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diff --git a/old/14747-h/14747-h.htm b/old/14747-h/14747-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1d7de16 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14747-h/14747-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2090 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 25, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + a:link {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:#ff0000} + pre {font-size: 8pt;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +June 25, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 25, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: January 20, 2005 [eBook #14747]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, JUNE 25, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 25, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" + id="page301"></a>[pg 301]</span> + + <h2>"VERSAILLES" IN LEICESTER SQUARE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Or, the New Ballet at the Empire, as it appears through + Mr. Punch's Pince-nez.</i>)</h4> + + <p>TABLEAU I.—The Park at Versailles. "<i>Gardeners</i>," + according to the "Argument" supplied with programmes, "<i>are + seen busily preparing for the arrival of King Louis the + Fourteenth and his Court.</i>" If tickling the gravel gently + with brooms, and depositing one petal a-piece in large baskets + is "busily preparing," they <i>are</i>. The Gardeners, feeling + that they have done a very fair afternoon's work, dance a + <i>farandole</i> in <i>sabots</i>, after which Ladies and + Cavaliers arrive and prepare to dance too; the Cavaliers select + their partners by chasing them on tiptoe, the Ladies run + backwards, and coyly slap their favourites' faces with + bouquets. Here, according to Argument, "<i>refreshments are + served by Pages</i>." Don't see any; these particular Pages + seem to have been cut. Dance follows: the <i>Vicomte Raoul de + Bragelonne</i> arrives, but stands apart, taking no part in the + dance, and looking melancholy. Fancy he is wishing he had + learnt dancing in his boyhood, or else waiting for the + refreshments to be served. On referring to Argument, however, + discover that "<i>his mind is occupied by thoughts of Louise de + Lavalličre, who was betrothed to him in her childhood.</i>" + Stupid not to see this for oneself. So obvious. Enter + <i>Louise</i>. Think <i>Raoul</i> informs her in pantomime that + one of the bows on her dress has "come undone;" she rewards him + for this act of politeness by taking the bow off and pinning it + on his breast. <i>Raoul</i> not satisfied, pleads for another, + to put on his hat. <i>Louise</i> refuses, can't ruin her new + frock like that for <i>him</i>. Find I'm wrong again. Argument + says, "<i>he implores her to fulfil the wish of his own and + their parents' hearts by naming the nuptial day. Louise is + confused, and bids him wait.</i>" He retires brokenhearted, in + search of the refreshments, and the Cavaliers, with whom a very + little dancing on gravel and a warm afternoon goes a long way, + retire with him. The ladies, left alone, "<i>now freely express + their opinions on the merits of their late companions</i>," + which seems natural enough. <i>Louise</i> dissents; doesn't see + anything particularly rude in their conduct, "Cavaliers + <i>are</i> like that—<i>will</i> rush off for + refreshments alone after every dance and leave their partners." + At least, that's how <i>I</i> understood her. Missed the point + again. Argument informs me she has been answering, "<i>abruptly + that the Sun (meaning the King) absorbs her whole soul, and + that she has no thoughts to bestow on mere planets</i>." She + said all that in a shake of the head and two shrugs, so + "abruptly" is quite the right word. Other ladies annoyed with + her, and show it by walking past and waggling their fingers in + her face, which appears to depress <i>Louise</i> considerably. + Then they go out, after the Cavaliers, or the refreshments. + Meanwhile <i>Louis the Fourteenth</i> has entered at the back + and overheard all. <i>He</i> knows what the shake and shrugs + meant, and smiles and nods knowingly to himself. "Oh, I + <i>am</i> an irresistible Monarch, <i>I</i> am!" he seems to be + saying. "I'll follow this up." So he struts down with a fixed + smile on his face, like the impudent young dog he is, and pats + his chest passionately at her. <i>Louise</i> startled. "Don't + go away," says <i>Louis</i> in pantomime. "I say, there's an + arbour in that shrubbery,—let's go and sit in + it—<i>do</i>!" <i>Louise</i> undecided; tries to excuse + herself. "Earwiggy? not a bit of it!" <i>Louis</i> assures her + (he wouldn't be so confident about it if he had seen his + Gardeners at work); "<i>come</i> along!" <i>Louise</i> still + timid; suggests spiders. <i>Louis</i> vows that no spider shall + harm her while he lives to protect her, and draws her gently + towards the shrubbery; he does this several times, but on each + occasion her dread of insects returns, and she recoils + shrinking. The King puts his arms round her to give her + courage, and at this instant, <i>Raoul de Bragelonne</i> + returns, sees the back of someone embracing the maiden who was + betrothed to him in childhood, draws his sword—and + recognises his Sovereign. "Whew!" his expression says plainly + enough. "Now I <i>have</i> put my foot in it nicely!" He takes + off his hat and apologises profusely; but <i>Louis</i> is + indignant. What's the use of being a <i>Roi Soleil</i> if you + can't ask a lady of your Court to sit in an arbour without + being interrupted like this? He swells visibly, and intimates + that he will pay <i>Raoul</i> out for this in various highly + unpleasant ways. <i>Louise</i> kneels to him for pardon. + <i>Louis</i> subsides gradually, but still shows the whites of + his eyes; finally he tells <i>Raoul</i> to be off. <i>Raoul</i> + is submissive—only wants to know where he's to <i>go</i> + to. <i>Louis</i> points to Heaven, evidently regal politeness + forbids him to indicate any other place. <i>Raoul</i> goes off + perplexed, and no wonder. Then, as the Argument explains, "<i>a + trumpet-call is heard</i>," and <i>Louise "bewildered</i>," + perhaps because it is the signal to go and dress for dinner, + escapes to the palace; and <i>Louis</i>, feeling that the + arbour is only a question of time, follows. Then Musketeers + come off duty and get up an assault-at-arms, until their + careful captain, afraid that they will hurt themselves with + those nasty swords, orders them to stop, and the First + <i>Tableau</i> is over.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/301.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/301.png" + alt="'He swells visibly.'" /></a>"He swells visibly." + </div> + + <p>TABLEAU II.—Rich hangings have fallen close to the + footlights, to represent an "Ante-room in the Palace." + Attendants bring on two dressing-tables. Enter the two + principal <i>danseuses</i>, who are about to dress for the + Grand Ballet, when <i>Lulli</i>, the Composer, and + <i>Prévot</i>, the <i>Maître de dance du Roi</i>, come in and + very inconsiderately propose a rehearsal, which of course must + be an <i>un</i>dress rehearsal—then and there. This not + unnaturally puts both the ladies out of temper; they object to + the ballet-skirts supplied by the Management as skimpy, and one + of them throws up her part, which almost reduces <i>Lulli</i> + to tears. The other undertakes it at a moment's notice, + whereupon the first lady tries to scratch her eyes out, and + then has a fit of hysterics. Both ladies have hysterics. A bell + rings and, suddenly remembering that a Royal Ante-room is + <i>rather</i> a public place to dress in, they catch up the + ballet-skirts and flee, Attendants remove the dressing-tables. + <i>Tableau</i> over. Plot where it was.</p> + + <p>TABLEAU III.—Grand Reception Room in the Palace. Enter + the Queen, sulky, because <i>Louis</i> has taken all the Pages, + and only left her a couple of Chamberlains. Enter <i>Louis</i>, + more impudent than ever. They take their places on a + <i>daďs</i>; the hangings at head of a flight of steps behind + are withdrawn, and the first "Grand Ballet Divertissement" + begins. <i>Louis</i> frankly bored, knowing there's another to + come after that. Ballet charming, but he doesn't deign to + glance at it, gives all his attention to a stuffed lamb on the + top of the steps. Bevy after bevy of maidens disclosed behind + hangings, each more bewitching and gorgeously attired than the + last—but they don't interest <i>Louis</i>,—or else + the presence of the Queen restrains him. Instructive to note + the partiality of the <i>Corps de Ballet</i>. When Signorina DE + SORTIS dances, they are so overcome that they lean backwards + with outstretched arms in a sort of semi-swoon of delight. But + the other lady may prance and whirl and run about on the points + of her toes till she requires support, and they merely retire + up and ignore her altogether. There is a dancing Signor in + pearl grey, who supports first one Signorina and then the other + with the strictest impartiality, and finally dances with both + together, to show that he makes no distinctions and has no + serious intentions. All this time <i>Louis</i> has been getting + more and more restless; now and then he makes some remark, + evidently disparaging, to the Queen, who receives it coldly. + But at last he can't stand it any longer. "Call this dancing! + <i>I'll</i> show 'em how to dance!" his look says. "Where's + LOUISE?" And he gets up, pulls himself together, and invites + her to come and dance a minuet. Queen disgusted with him, but + pretends not to notice. <i>Louis</i> goes through minuet with + extreme satisfaction to himself. Enter Page with an immense + cushion, on which is "<i>a bracelet of great value</i>" + (Argument again). Queen excited—thinks it's for + <i>her</i>; but <i>Louis</i> stops the dance, takes the + bracelet, and gives it to <i>Louise</i>. "A present from Paris. + There, that's for being a good girl—take it, and say no + more about it." She does, and they finish the minuet. + <i>Louis</i>, on turning round to the <i>daďs</i>, discovers + that the Queen has gone away, which he seems to think most + unreasonable of her—just when he was dancing his very + best! There is more ballet, after which the King discovers that + <i>Louise</i> is missing too. Her Page comes on and hands him a + letter, which he opens triumphantly. "A <i>rendezvous</i>, eh? + Never knew jewellery fail yet! How I <i>am</i> carrying on, to + be sure!" says his face. But, as he reads, his eyes begin to + roll, and he has another attack of swelling. Then the curtains + at the back are withdrawn again, and on the top of the steps, + where the stuffed lambs were, he sees <i>Louise de + Lavalličre</i> in a nun's robe, entering a Convent. + <i>Louis</i> can't believe it; he thinks it must be part of the + performance, though not on the original programme. As he goes + nearer to see, the curtains close, open again—and there + is nothing. And the baffled monarch realises the melancholy + truth—<i>Louise</i> has gone into a nunnery, without even + returning the "bracelet of great value"! Whereupon the Act-drop + mercifully falls, and veils his discomfiture. And that's + all!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" + id="page302"></a>[pg 302]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/302.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/302.png" + alt="SO NICE OF HER!" /></a> + + <h3>SO NICE OF HER!</h3> + + <p><i>Captain Muffet.</i> "MAY I VENTURE TO HOPE THAT YOU + WILL GIVE ME A WALTZ OR QUADRILLE?"</p> + + <p><i>Lady Sparker.</i> "OH, I'M SO SORRY, I'M ENGAGED FOR + EVERY DANCE! I'M ENGAGED ALSO FOR SUPPER TWICE; BUT I + PROMISE YOU FAITHFULLY YOU SHALL HAVE MY THIRD GLASS OF + LEMONADE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH.—Several people who do not know me as + the writer of the "Selections," have told me that they took the + tip about "<i>Balmoral</i>" for the Manchester Cup, but backed + it to <i>win</i> instead of to be <i>last</i>—thereby + winning money!—now—of course the last thing a + tipster wishes, is that his prophecy should turn out + successful, therefore I am delighted at the result, as also was + Sir MINTING BLOUNDELL, who won a good stake, and is the only + person who knows the secret of my incognito. He congratulated + me most heartily on my success, which he said was the more + wonderful as he knew the owner did not much fancy the + horse!—but, as I told him—if owners of race-horses + knew as much as some of the public—(to say nothing of the + prophets)—they would never lose the money they do, and + would probably give up racing! The selection was entirely my + own "fancy." I need scarcely say, I never <i>ask</i> an owner + anything, and if he volunteers the information that he thinks + his horse "has a good chance," I find as a rule, it's just as + well to "let the horse run loose," as they put it; though that + is an expression I never quite understood, as I've never yet + seen a horse "run loose" in a race, except on one or two + occasions when the jockey has been thrown at the + start—which now I come to think of it, may be the origin + of the expression!</p> + + <p>So Ascot is once more a departed glory! We all shivered on + Tuesday, got roasted on Wednesday, were comfortable on + Thursday, and resigned on Friday—and on the whole the + toilette show was successful; though I fancy some of the best + gowns were held over for Goodwood—<i>one</i> of mine was + at all events—but my goodness!—if only our great + grandmothers could have seen some of our modern + petticoats!—more elaborate than any <i>dress</i> they + ever saw!—but then, as Lord HARPER REDCLYFFE said, our + great grandmothers never got off and on coaches with an + admiring crowd looking on, as <i>we</i> have to do now-a-days; + and you have to be pretty smart not to get hung up on the + wheels—though as Lady HARRIETT ENTOUCAS said, "my dear + Lady GAY—what <i>is</i> the use of wearing all this + loveliness unless one—" but perhaps it will annoy her if + I tell what she <i>did</i> say!</p> + + <p>The Royal Hunt Cup was a beautiful race, although the winner + was not supposed to be the best of "JEWITT's lot;" but I am + told he is one of those who "will not do his best at home," + being beaten in the trial—and after all, how <i>very</i> + human that is—for how many men one knows who are perfect + <i>bears</i> in their home circle!</p> + + <p>Of the horses I advised my readers to "Keep an eye on," only + one, <i>Buccaneer</i>, put in an appearance, and won the Gold + Cup; so that my warning as to the difficulty of doing this, was + fully borne out by the result. My Gold Cup selection did not + run, and had I known that <i>Ermak</i> would have been his sole + opponent, I should have made him my tip; but I do not pretend + to be Ermakulate! (That's <i>awful</i>—please forgive me, + <i>dear Mr. Punch</i>!) From the way <i>St. Angelo</i> won the + Palace Stakes, I can't help thinking he would have won the + Derby but for the French horse <i>Rueil</i>, who tried to + <i>eat him</i> during the race—(how shameful to let the + poor thing get so hungry)—and this of course interfered + with his chance—as you really cannot attend to two things + at a time with a satisfactory result, unless they be sleeping + and snoring!</p> + + <p>I presume that this sort of thing is meant when one reads in + the sporting papers that such-and-such a horse was "nibbled + at!"—but I really think that those who saw <i>St. + Angelo</i> on Thursday, saw the winner of the Leger! There is + no race of any special importance next week, either at Windsor + or Sandown, but I will give my weekly tip for the probable last + in the Windsor June Handicap, and meanwhile I may as well say + that I shall grace with my presence the Newmarket July Meeting, + and, emulating the example of other tipsters who send "Paddock + Wires," I shall be happy to supply anyone with my + two-horse-a-day "<i>Songs from the Birdcage</i>," at five + guineas a-week—(a reduction to <i>owners</i>)—at + which price my selections <i>must</i> be cheap.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Windsor June Handicap.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If "SHAKSPEARE" spells "ruin," as Managers say,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tragedians all should be needy!</p> + + <p>But a fortune was made by the best of his day,</p> + + <p class="i2">And an Actor of "notes" was + "<i>Macready</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Why is the Dissolution of Parliament like the human + tongue?—Because it is in everybody's mouth.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" + id="page303"></a>[pg 303]</span> + + <h2>"CUTS!" OR, WE NEVER SPEAK AS WE PASS BY.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/303.png"><img width="75%" + src="images/303.png" + alt="<i>Otto, the Wedding-Guest, singeth:</i>—" /> + </a><br /> + <i>Otto, the Wedding-Guest, singeth:</i>— + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We never speak as we pass by!</p> + + <p class="i2">Alas! it was not always so.</p> + + <p>But now I cannot catch his eye,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when I come, he's prompt to + go.</p> + + <p>"<i>Il me reverra.</i>" So I said</p> + + <p class="i2">When I resigned, his love to try,</p> + + <p>But see how WILHELM turns his head!</p> + + <p class="i2">We never speak as we pass by!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Not</i> indispensable! Absurd!</p> + + <p class="i2">I built the Empire, made the + Crown.</p> + + <p>Of Emperor WILHELM who had heard</p> + + <p class="i2">But for <i>my</i> prowess and + renown?</p> + + <p>And Emperor WILHELM cocks his nose,</p> + + <p class="i2">Regards me with averted eye;</p> + + <p>And, just as though, we now were foes,</p> + + <p class="i2">We never speak as we pass by!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The boy, the ingrate, the young cock,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who thinks he's eagle when he + crows;</p> + + <p>Old Aquila is <i>he</i> to mock?</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll cut his comb ere matters + close.</p> + + <p>And yet, and yet he keeps it up,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Germany demands not + <i>why</i>!</p> + + <p>He bangs away like a big Krupp—</p> + + <p class="i2">We never speak as we pass by.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My HERBERT, <i>you</i> should hold my place,</p> + + <p class="i2">But you must share your sire's cold + snub.</p> + + <p>Did I promote the lion's race</p> + + <p class="i2">To be kicked out by its least + cub?</p> + + <p>This wedding-favour's gay and smart.</p> + + <p class="i2">I to Vienna's bridal fly;</p> + + <p>But something rankles in my heart;—</p> + + <p>We never speak as we pass by!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will FRANCIS-JOSEPH see his way</p> + + <p class="i2">To—help <i>Coriolanus</i> + back?</p> + + <p>I can't believe I've had my day;</p> + + <p class="i2">It makes ambition's heart-strings + crack.</p> + + <p>But that imperious youngster shuts</p> + + <p class="i2">The door of hope howe'er I try.</p> + + <p>Are we for ever to be "cuts,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And <i>never</i> speak as we pass + by?</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page304" + id="page304"></a>[pg 304]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/304-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/304-1.png" + alt="ADVANTAGES OF MARSUPIALISM." /></a> + + <h3>ADVANTAGES OF MARSUPIALISM.</h3>"I'M SO TIRED, MUMMY. I + WISH YOU WERE A KANGAROO!"<br /> + "WHY, DARLING?"<br /> + "TO CARRY ME HOME IN YOUR POCKET!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN EARL'S COURT IDYL.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A knick-knack stall outside the Wild West + Arena. Behind the counter is a pretty and pert maiden of + seventeen or so. A tall and stately Indian Warrior, wrapped + in a blue blanket, lounges up, and leans against the + corner, silent and inscrutable.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Maiden</i> (<i>with easy familiarity</i>). 'Ullo, + CHOC'LIT, what do you want? (<i>The Chieftain smiles at her + with infinite subtlety, and fingers a small fancy article + shaped like a bottle, in seeming confusion.</i>) Like to + see what's inside of it? Look 'ere then. (<i>She removes + the cork, touches a spring, and a paper fan expands out of + the neck of the bottle</i>; CHOCOLATE <i>is grimly pleased, + and possibly impressed, by this phenomenon, which he + repeats several times for his own satisfaction.</i>) Ah, + <i>that</i> fetches you, don't it, CHOC'LIT? (<i>The + Warrior nods, and says something unintelligible in his own + tongue.</i>) Why don't yer talk sense, 'stead o' that + rubbish?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CHOCOLATE <i>watches her slyly out of the corners of + his eyes; presently he puts the bottled-fan inside his + blanket, and slouches off in a fit of pretended + abstraction.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Maiden</i> (<i>imperiously</i>). 'Ere, come back, + will yer? Walkin' off with my things like that! Fetch it + 'ere—d'jear what I <i>tell</i> yer? (CHOCOLATE + <i>lounges over the counter of an adjoining Bovril stall, + and affects a bland unconsciousness of being addressed. + After awhile he peeps round and pats his blanket knowingly, + and, finding she takes no further notice of him, lounges + back to his corner again.</i>) Oh, <i>'ere</i> you are + again! Now jest you put that bottle back. (<i>The Warrior + giggles, with much appreciation of his own + playfulness.</i>) Look sharp now. I know you've got it!</p> + + <p><i>Chocolate</i> (<i>with another giggle</i>). Me no + got.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He intimates that the person at the Bovril stall has + it.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Maiden.</i> You needn't think to get over Me that + way! It's inside o' that old blanket o' yours. Out with it + now, or I'll make yer! (CHOCOLATE <i>produces it chuckling, + after which he loses all further interest in it, his notice + having been attracted by a small painted metal monkey + holding a miniature cup and saucer.</i>) Want to buy one o' + them monkeys? (<i>She sets its head nodding at the Indian, + who is gravely interested in this product of European + civilisation.</i>) All right, <i>pay</i> for it + then—they're ninepence each.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Warrior plays with it thoughtfully, apparently + in the faint hope that she may be induced to make him a + present of it, but, finding that her heart shows no sign of + softening to such an extent, the desire of acquiring the + monkey becomes so irresistible that, after much diving into + his robes, he fishes up three coppers, which he tenders as + a reasonable ransom.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Maiden</i> (<i>encouragingly</i>). That's all + right, so far as it <i>goes</i>; you've on'y got to give me + another sixpence—twice as much as that, you know. + Come on! (CHOCOLATE <i>meditates whether as an economical + Indian Chieftain, he can afford this outlay, and finally + shakes his head sadly, and withdraws the coppers.</i>) Oh, + very <i>well</i>, then; please yourself, I'm sure! + (CHOCOLATE's <i>small black eyes regard her admiringly, as + he tries one last persuasive smile, probably to express the + degree to which the possession of a nodding monkey would + brighten his existence.</i>) It ain't a bit o' good, + CHOC'LIT, I can't lower my price for you; and what's more, + I'm not going to!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CHOCOLATE <i>examines the monkey once more undecidedly, + then puts it gently down with a wistful reluctance, and + drifts off.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Maiden</i> (<i>calling after him</i>). You like + to do <i>your</i> shoppin' cheap, don't you, CHOC'LIT? + Everythink for nothen' is what <i>you</i> want, ain't it? + <i>I</i> know yer!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Warrior stalks on impassively, ignoring these + gibes; whether he is reflecting on the beauty and + heartlessness of the Pale-face</i> Maiden, <i>or resolving + to save up for the monkey if it takes him a lifetime, or + thinking of something else totally different, or of nothing + whatever, is a dark secret which he keeps to + himself.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PLAYFUL SALLY.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/304-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/304-2.png" + alt="'How Abbey could I be with either!'" /></a>"How + Abbey could I be with either!" + </div> + + <p>O SARAH B.! O Mr. ABBEY! What un-ABBEY thought induced you + to select so dreary a play as <i>Pauline Blanchard</i> + wherewith to weary the British Public? And what a finish! + <i>Pauline</i>, all for the sake of her disappointed lover, + kills her husband with a sickle!—a sickle-ly + sight—and then reaps her reward. M. PERON, the Maire, was + effective. Ancient <i>Angelina</i>, Mme. GILBERTE FLEURY, + "fetched" everybody, and in her turn was fetched by M. FLEURY + from a loft where stage-business had taken her in the previous + Act, in order to receive her share of the plaudits. We hear + that SARAH has accepted a One-Act piece called <i>Salammbô</i>, + by OSCAR WILDE. Naturally we all see SARAH in the first part of + <i>Sal</i>. Perhaps the "<i>ambo</i>" means SARAH and OSCAR. + Being an Eastern subject, SARAH sees the chance in it of a + Sara-scenic success. On Saturday last, with her wonderful <i>La + Tosca</i> in the afternoon, and her <i>Dame aux Camélias</i> + (the "O'Camélias" sounds like an Irish title) at night, SARAH + regularly "knocked them" in the Shaftesbury Avenue. No one + interested in dramatic art should miss seeing SARAH, at all + events, in <i>La Dame aux Camélias</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PARTICULAR AND GENERAL RELATIONSHIP.—Mr. GEORGE + CURZON, as the <i>Saturday Review</i> remarks in its notice of + <i>Curzon's Persia</i>, "is not the first of his family who has + written a good book of Eastern travel." The author, then, is + not a first, but a second, or third CURZON, and this particular + work of authorship creates a new kinship, as his travels are, + now, related to the public.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" + id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:36%;"> + <a href="images/305-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/305-1.png" + alt="Isolde, seated on a sham rock, awaiting the coming of her lover. Alas! all ends unharpily!" /> + </a>Isolde, seated on a sham rock, awaiting the coming of + her lover. Alas! all ends unharpily! + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—The Irish Question, heard for the + first time operatically, put by The O'WAGNER in his music-story + of "<i>Tristan und Isolde</i>." The story is decidedly a + <i>triste 'un and is old</i> no doubt of it. Frau SUCHER first + rate as the Irish Princess <i>Isolde</i>. Herr ALVARY plays + <i>Her Tristan</i>; good, but not great. All vary well. As + <i>Kurwenal</i>, Herr KNAPP, in spite of his name, kept + everyone awake, and did his very best; in fact, "went + Knapp."</p> + + <p>Fräulein RALPH was charming as <i>Braugäne</i>, and her + manner of inducing the Princess of the Most Distressful Country + to take to the bottle—KINAHAN's L.L.L.—deserved the + encore which she ought to have received. No + matter—Fräulein RALPH played with spirit, which is a + dangerous thing to do as a rule. House crammed: not packed.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/305-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/305-2.png" + alt="'HOW'S YOUR POOR FEET?'" /></a> + + <h4 class="sc">"How's your Poor Feet?"</h4>The Pedicure + Motif. Shepherd, with pipe, suffering from "Corno Inglese," + showing Triste 'Un, the Cornish Knight, where he may seek + relief from his Bunions' Pilgrim's Progress. + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Long live the <i>Don</i>! <i>Vive</i> + MOZART! <i>Don Giovanni's</i> taste as to ladies changed as he + grew older. The two musical Duchesses who accompany <i>Don + Ottavio</i> when he is singing are usually, fine and large; but + <i>Zerlina</i>, the <i>Don's</i> latest fancy, is + <i>petite</i>. Why does Signor CARACCIOLO make <i>Masetto</i> + an idiotic old bumpkin? EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ is admirable as the + cowardly <i>Leporello</i>, and MAUREL fine as the Im-maurel + Don. With what an air he salutes <i>Zerlina</i>! The air is + MOZART's "<i>La ci darem</i>," and therefore perfect. ZÉLIE DE + LUSSAN delightful as that arrant flirt <i>Zerlina</i>. The + Statue was rather in the dark. The Stalls couldn't see him + "noddin', nid nid noddin'." Let Sir DRURIOLANUS look to this, + and say to the Limelighter, quoting GOËTHE, "More light! More + light!"</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—<i>Carmen.</i> Commend me at once to + Madame DESCHAMPS-JEHIN as <i>Carmen</i>. Her name is too long, + and there's a little too much of her, figure-ratively speaking. + A trifle over-size for quite an ideal <i>Carmen</i>, but then + Madame D.-JEHIN is so good that we cannot have too much of her. + Acting excellent. Madame EMMA EAMES EMMA-nently first-rate as + <i>Michaela</i>. We all know JEAN DE RESZKÉ'S <i>Don José</i>, + which up to now is hard to beat; so for LASSALLE as + <i>Escamillo</i>,—the great song encored, of course. + Signor CARACCIOLO as <i>Dancairo</i> (of a mixed race, Irish + Dan and Egyptian Cairo—a regular Bohemian), and RINALDINI + as <i>Remendado</i>, capital, not overdone. Mlle. BAUERMEISTER + as <i>Frasquita</i>, and AGNES JANSON as <i>Mercedes</i>, + looked winning, especially when playing cards.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday.</i>—<i>Cavalleria Rusticana.</i> Most + appropriate when everybody is talking of the elections and + "going to the country."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>GIRLS OF THE PERIOD.</h2> + + <h4>LETTER I.</h4> + + <center> + (<i>From Miss Mary Logic to Miss Rosa Blackbord.</i>) + </center> + + <p class="author"><i>Coached Cottage.</i></p> + + <p>MY DEAR ROSA,</p> + + <p>I fancy I told you that my Uncle JACK was coming home from + sea. I had not seen him for six years—in fact he left + England when I was a child of four or so. As you know, I am now + ten. I naturally was rather curious to meet him. Well he is + here, and I am fairly puzzled. He is rather a nice + fellow—partly educated. He is distinctly shaky with his + Classics, and has evidently forgotten half his Mathematics. + However we got on pretty well. He seemed to be interested in my + lecture upon Astronomy, and said "I seemed to be a hand at + Chemistry." Well so I am. As you know, when I was a mere child + I was always fond of experiments of an analytical character. He + asked me if I had a doll, and I suppose he referred to the old + lay-figure that I was wont to sketch before I took to studying + from the nude. And now you will ask, why I am writing to you, + when both you and I are so busy—when we are both + preparing for matriculation? When we have so little spare time + at our disposal?</p> + + <p>I will tell you. The fact is, he accuses me of ignorance in + the biographical section of my studies. He gave me the history + of a gentleman who used a blue dye for his moustache and + murdered his wives with impunity. Then he related the + adventures of a lady who slept for a hundred years from the + wound of a spinning needle. I had to confess (although a + constant reader of the <i>Lancet</i>) I had never heard of the + case before. Then he recounted the adventures of a traveller + who seems to have had a life of considerable interest. This + person obtained quite a number of diamonds, with the assistance + of a huge bird called a Roc. Then he had much to say about a + dwarf who defeated (in really gallant style) several men of + abnormally large stature. He laughed when I had to confess that + I had never heard of these people before. He gave me their + names. The wife-slaughterer was called <i>Bluebeard</i>; the + lady who slumbered for a hundred years, <i>The Sleeping + Beauty</i> (I suppose she preferred to keep her anonymity); the + traveller's name was <i>Sindbad</i>, and the dwarf was <i>Jack + the Giant-Killer</i>. Have you heard of any of these + people?</p> + + <p class="author">Your affectionate Cousin,<br /> + MARY.</p> + + <h4>LETTER II.</h4> + + <center> + (<i>Reply to Same, from Miss Rosa Blackbord.</i>) + </center> + + <p class="author"><i>Algebra Lodge.</i></p> + + <p>MY DEAR MARY,</p> + + <p>As you are many weeks my junior (to be precise, exactly two + months), I hasten to answer your letter. I have searched all my + Biographical Dictionaries, but cannot find the people of whom + you are in search. As for myself, I have never heard of + <i>Bluebeard</i>, know nothing of <i>The Sleeping Beauty</i>, + and am sceptical of the existence of <i>Sindbad</i> and <i>Jack + the Giant-Killer</i>. Like <i>Mrs. Prig</i>, who doubted the + existence of <i>Mrs. Harris</i>, "I don't believe there were no + such persons." By the way, you ought to read DICKENS. He is + distinctly funny, and I can quite understand his amusing our + grandmothers. I generally turn to his works after a long day + with HOMER or EURIPIDES.</p> + + <p class="author">Your affectionate Cousin,<br /> + ROSA.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"NE PLUS ULSTER."—Decidedly, Ulster can't go beyond + "its last," or rather, its latest, most utter utterances. So + far, "words, words, words;" but from words to blows there is a + long interval, especially when their supply of breath having + been considerably exhausted, there is not much to be feared + from their "blows." However, so far, the men with Ulsterior + views have been patted on the back by the <i>Times</i>, and + "approbation from Sir HUBERT STANLEY is praise indeed." Yet, + had the meeting been of Nationalists! "But," as Mr. KIPLING's + phrase goes, "that is another story." For, from the + <i>Times</i> leader-writer's point of view, "that in the + Orangeman's but a choleric word which in the Nationalist is + rank blasphemy." However, the steam is let off through the + spout, and by the time the Nationalist's dream of Home Rule is + realised, all efforts to the contrary on The part of gallant + little Ulster will probably be "<i>Ulster vires</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ADVICE GRATIS.—DEAFNESS. (To + "EXPERIMENTALIST.")—Yours seems a peculiar form of this + painful complaint. We cannot understand why you should feel "as + if wind were always coming from your left ear." Try blowing + into the ear with the bellows three times a day. It may drive + the wind back. For the "fulness, throbbing, &c.," we should + advise ramming a good-sized darning-needle as far as it will go + into the orifice. After that—or even before—it + might be best to consult a competent medical man.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page306" + id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/306.png"><img width="80%" + src="images/306.png" + alt="EARLY MISGIVINGS." /></a> + + <h3>EARLY MISGIVINGS.</h3> + + <p><i>Newly-Married M.P.</i> "BY JOVE, TEN O'CLOCK! I + <i>MUST</i> GO DOWN TO THE HOUSE, IF ONLY TO FIND SOMEONE + TO PAIR WITH."</p> + + <p><i>His Wife.</i> "OH, DARLING, I THOUGHT YOU AND I HAD + PAIRED FOR LIFE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK;"</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">Or, Manoeuvring for a Hold.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye who have read in HOMER's mighty song</p> + + <p>How sage ULYSSES, AJAX towering strong,</p> + + <p>Met at the funeral games on Trojan sands,</p> + + <p>With knotted limbs and grip of sinewy hands,</p> + + <p>To wrestle for the prize, attend, draw near,</p> + + <p>And a new tale of coming tussle hear!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When great ACHILLES called them to the lists,</p> + + <p>Those men of massive thews and ponderous fists,</p> + + <p>"Scarce did the chief the vigorous strife + propose,</p> + + <p>When tower-like AJAX and ULYSSES rose.</p> + + <p>Amid the ring each nervous rival stands</p> + + <p>Embracing rigid with implicit hands."</p> + + <p>Now Greek meets Greek again, but wrestling now</p> + + <p>Is not as on old Ilion's shore, I trow;</p> + + <p>Not now the olive crown, the long-wool'd sheep,</p> + + <p>Is prize; 'tis Power they strive to win and + keep.</p> + + <p>By diverse dodges and by novel "chips,"</p> + + <p>Subtler "approaches," and more artful "grips,"</p> + + <p>The rival champions strive to lock and fell,</p> + + <p>Gallia's devices, found to answer well</p> + + <p>In wary onset and in finish slow,</p> + + <p>Old Attic swiftness, seen in hold and throw.</p> + + <p>Supplement or supplant. When AJAX stood</p> + + <p>Before ULYSSES, neither seemed in mood</p> + + <p>For long manoeuvring. To the clutch they came</p> + + <p>With sinews of snap-steel and souls of flame.</p> + + <p>"Close lock'd above, their heads and arm are + mix'd;</p> + + <p>Below their planted feet at distance fix'd:</p> + + <p>Like two strong rafters, which the builder forms</p> + + <p>Proof to the wintry winds and howling storms;</p> + + <p>Their tops connected, but at wider space</p> + + <p>Fix'd on the centre stands their solid base."</p> + + <p>So in old days. Now wrestlers shift like snakes,</p> + + <p>And dodge <i>ŕ la</i> DUBOIS, for mightier + stakes</p> + + <p>Than olive, parsley, or the champion's belt</p> + + <p>Can furnish forth.</p> + + <p class="i10">Long time hath it been felt</p> + + <p>That two superior champions, age-long foes,</p> + + <p>At last must come to a conclusive close.</p> + + <p>"Defiled with honourable dust they roll,</p> + + <p>Still breathing strife, and unsubdued of soul;</p> + + <p>Again they rage, again to combat rise,"—</p> + + <p>For one must win; these cannot <i>share</i> the + prize.</p> + + <p>Great GLADSTONIDES—place allow to + age!—</p> + + <p>A chief of seasoned strength and generous rage,</p> + + <p>Fell, at their last encounter, to the skill</p> + + <p>Of him the swart of look, the stern of will,</p> + + <p>Broad-shouldered SALISBURION. Such defeat</p> + + <p>Valiant and vigorous veteran well might fret.</p> + + <p>He erst invincible, the Full of Days,</p> + + <p>The Grand Old One, full-fed with power and + praise.</p> + + <p>ACHILLES-NESTOR, to no younger foe,</p> + + <p>Because of one chance slip and casual throw,</p> + + <p>The Champion's Belt is ready to resign;</p> + + <p>Nor may his foe the final fall decline.</p> + + <p>So "Greek meets Greek" in wrestling rig once + more.</p> + + <p>Not AJAX or ULYSSES sly of yore,</p> + + <p>Nor modern STEAD MAN, JAMESON, or WEIGHT,</p> + + <p>Was e'er more eager for the sinewy fight.</p> + + <p>Much time is spent in "getting into grips."</p> + + <p>Mark how each wrestler crouches, feints, and + slips!</p> + + <p>Mark how they circle round and round the ring,</p> + + <p>Like wary "pug," like tiger on the spring,</p> + + <p>Cautious as one, though as the other bold,</p> + + <p>Eye, foot, and hand manoeuvring for a hold!</p> + + <p>And when indeed they close in mutual clutch,</p> + + <p>And put the champion honours to the touch,</p> + + <p>Strain every muscle, try each latest "chip,"</p> + + <p>Which man shall first relax his sinewy grip,</p> + + <p>Be hiped, back-heeled, cross-buttocked, or bored + down,—</p> + + <p>That's just the question that now stirs the + town.</p> + + <p>The funeral games of a dead Parliament</p> + + <p>Bring every hero eager from his tent:</p> + + <p>Say, will ULYSSES, for his art renown'd,</p> + + <p>O'erturn the strength of AJAX on the ground?</p> + + <p>Or will the strength of AJAX overthrow</p> + + <p>The watchful caution of his artful foe?</p> + + <p>Will SALISBURION fairly hold his own,</p> + + <p>Or be by white-lock'd GLADSTONIDES thrown?</p> + + <p>All ask, all wonder much, but who may say?</p> + + <p>"Another story" that, and for another day!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAMSBOTHAM's attention was directed to a letter in the + <i>Standard</i>, of June 14, headed:—"Nancy and the + Cambridge Delegates." She supposes that "this is another + Spinning House case like that of DAISY HOPKINS and the + Cambridge Undergraduates." Mrs. M. is indignant. "Delegate, + indeed! most in-delegate <i>I</i> call it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>INHARMONIOUS COLOURS.—"It is understood," observes the + <i>Observer</i>, "that Mrs. BROWNE-POTTER and Mr. BELLEW part + company." Evidently BROWNE and B(EL)LEW don't go well together. + Even the Potter's Art cannot effect a successful blend.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A "DEGREE BETTER."—Why should not a bankrupt who has + successfully passed his examination be granted a degree, and + add "C.B." ("Certificated Bankrupt") to his name?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" + id="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/307.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/307.png" + alt="'WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK.'" /></a> + + <h3>"WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" + id="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/309-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/309-1.png" + alt="WILD WEST KENSINGTON." /></a> + + <h3>WILD WEST KENSINGTON.</h3>OUR LITTLE FRIEND, TREMLOW, + WHOSE DAILY WALK TO THE CITY LEADS PAST THE HORTICULTURAL + EXHIBITION, IS NOT A BELIEVER IN THE IMPORTATION OF THE RED + VARIETY OF FOREIGN EXOTICS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SLY OLD SOCRATES!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Fragment from the Very Newest "Republic."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Thrasymachus-Shiptonides</i> (<i>after introducing a + Deputation</i>). What we demand is a legal reduction of the + hours of labour, and what we want of you, SOCRATES, is your + invaluable aid in getting it.</p> + + <p><i>Socrates</i> (<i>smiling</i>). Most heartily do I + wish you <i>may</i> get it—in both cases. But how say + you; is the principle of permanence in a state or + community, or class, best effected by harmony, or as it + were, unity of action in all its members?</p> + + <p><i>All</i> (<i>after looking at each other, and rubbing + their chins</i>). How not, SOCRATES?</p> + + <p><i>Socrates</i> (<i>rubbing his hands</i>). Entirely so! + And your class then are unanimous in favour of a legal + reduction of the hours of labour?</p> + + <p><i>Thrasymachus-Shiptonides</i> (<i>bothered</i>). + Well—ahem!—hardly so, perhaps. But + (<i>valiantly</i>), at least three-quarters of a million + who met in the Park gathering at sixteen platforms, were + substantially agreed.</p> + + <p><i>Socrates.</i> Humph! Over forty-six thousand to each + platform. That's a far greater number than even <i>I</i> + ever addressed. How did you count them, or ascertain their + views?</p> + + <p><i>Thrasymachus-Shiptonides</i> (<i>flustered</i>). + Well, I've had twenty years' experience of mob-mustering, + and I think I <i>ought</i> to know.</p> + + <p><i>Polemarchus-Steadmanides.</i> But will you, SOCRATES, + give us your opinions of the opinion of these + three-quarters of a million.</p> + + <p><i>Socrates</i> (<i>laughing</i>). By Hercules! that + were a task more tremendous than all his Labours.</p> + + <p><i>Cephalus-Pearsonides</i> (<i>aside</i>). By Vulcan, + this is his wonted irony. He never inclines to answer a + question forthrightly, but to use irony, or evasion, or + what the Hibernians call "shenanigan," rather than answer, + if anyone asks him anything.</p> + + <p><i>Thrasymachus-Shiptonides</i> (<i>aside, hastily</i>). + Yes, yes! But you must not tell him that, here and now!</p> + + <p><i>Socrates</i> (<i>blandly</i>). Friends, as you + suggest that the proceedings should be of a conversational + or dialectical nature, a plan which falleth in with my + views also, I will, if you please, catechise you + categorically, so as to get further into the interior of + the question, and of your—ahem!—minds.</p> + + <center> + <i>Of this catechising, the reporter gives the + following condensed summary.</i> + </center> + + <p>Do you suggest that I should turn my back on myself? + <i>No, that would be rude.</i> Or give myself away? <i>Nay, + that were—unthrifty.</i> Can two solid things occupy + the same space at the same time? <i>By Zeus, no!</i> + Home-Rule—a <i>very</i> solid thing—fully + occupies my mind—for the present. When a + Gladstone-bag is <i>full</i>, can you put more into it? + <i>By Mercury, no! But could you not reconsider the + packing!</i> Not if the contents consist of <i>one</i> + article only. You would like me to pack it with your Eight + Hours' Bill? <i>Prodigiously! Your strong personality, + would push forward even a worse thing.</i> How near are you + to unanimity? <i>As near as considerable difference of + opinion will allow us to come.</i> Is an unascertained + minority to coerce an unwilling majority? <i>Our Council + has not discussed that?</i> Do you know the relative + proportions of majority and majority in organised and + unorganised trades; how their respective opinions are to be + ascertained, and, if ascertained, how legally enforced; if, + and how, two millions and a half are to commit eleven + millions to certain binding laws, and involve them in legal + consequences? <i>No! Yes! Hardly! Not quite! More or less! + Well, we're not quite sure, &c., &c.</i></p> + + <p><i>Socrates</i> (<i>smiling</i>). Now, tell me, + THRASYMACHUS, is <i>this</i> the "harmony, or, as it were, + unity of action," on which only, as we agreed, we could + found "the principle of permanency in a state or + community?"</p> + + <p><i>Thrasymachus-Shiptonides</i> (<i>hurriedly</i>). + Well, what you say, SOCRATES, is very nice, and clear, and + logical, and conclusive, in an argumentative sense, and + your attitude is very noble and high-and-mighty—I + mean highminded and all that. And we're <i>very</i> + grateful—but deeply disappointed that you couldn't + say something quite different—<i>in view of the + General Election, you know!</i> (<i>Meaningly.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Socrates</i> (<i>mildly, but firmly</i>). It is not + my political duty to say pleasant things all round, but to + ascertain—and tell—the Truth.</p> + + <p><i>All</i> (<i>deferentially</i>). Well, we are all + <i>tremendously</i> thankful! (<i>aside</i>) for small + mercies! Logic scores in argument, but votes tell at the + poll. And if we do not run at least a hundred Labour + Candidates to enlighten you as to our "unanimity," call + us—items! [<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Matinées</i> of <i>Peril</i> are advertised at the + Haymarket. Most <i>Matinées</i> deserve this description.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" + id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span> + + <h2>THE ARCHDEACON ANSWERED.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[At the Annual Meeting of the Curates' Augmentation + Fund, Archdeacon KAYE, of Lincoln, urged the desirability + of imposing some limitation to the number ordained to the + Ministry of the Church of England, as three-fifths of the + Clergy were in poverty.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, sad indeed it is to think,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Quoth good Archdeacon KAYE,</p> + + <p>"That though our Clergy are so 'High,'</p> + + <p class="i2">So low should be their pay!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"They fly to money-lenders' lures,</p> + + <p class="i2">To speculative chances;</p> + + <p>Advancement they appear to lack.</p> + + <p class="i2">And so they get advances.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"This 'Discipline of Clergy' Bill</p> + + <p class="i2">On us is rather rough;</p> + + <p>Surely the bills our tradesmen bring</p> + + <p class="i2">Are discipline enough!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A fresh supply of Rectories</p> + + <p class="i2">Must really soon be found;</p> + + <p>All would be <i>square</i>, if once there were</p> + + <p class="i2">Sufficient to go <i>round</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"To get the Clergy out of their</p> + + <p class="i2">Pecuniary holes,</p> + + <p>The sole and only cure I see</p> + + <p class="i2">Would be—a Cure of Souls!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'One man, one Vicarage!'—the cry</p> + + <p class="i2">To stir a thoughtless nation;</p> + + <p>But just at present let us try</p> + + <p class="i2">Restricted Ordination!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Free Trade in Curates!" shout our girls,</p> + + <p class="i2">Responsive from their pew;</p> + + <p>"You say there are too many, but</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> know there are too few!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Think of the budding Candidates</p> + + <p class="i2">For Orders, whom, no doubt,</p> + + <p>This limiting of out-put would</p> + + <p class="i2">Excessively put out!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If Curates now are destitute,</p> + + <p class="i2">A brighter future beacons;</p> + + <p>'Tis only fair that all should share</p> + + <p class="i2">The stipends of Archdeacons!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/310-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/310-1.png" + alt="HONORIS CAUSÂ." /></a> + + <h3>HONORIS CAUSÂ.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[The University of Dublin has decided to confer the + Degree of D.C.L. on Mr. HENRY IRVING.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>J.L.T.</i> (<i>to Dr. Irving</i>). "I SAY, + HENRY,—'SCUSE MY GLOVE,—I'VE BEEN A DON MYSELF, + DON'TCHERKNOW. I CAN GIVE YOU A TIP OR TWO ABOUT PLAYING + THE PART!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A GIFTED BEING.—The <i>Daily Telegraph</i> of June 11, + in giving us some news from Cambridge about the Mathematical + Tripos, had this paragraph—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Senior Wrangler, Mr. PHILIP HERBERT COWELL, son of + Mr. H. COWELL, Privy Council Bar, was born in 1870, and was + previously educated at Rev. E. St. JOHN PARRY's School, + Stoke, Slough."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Now didn't such a start in life as being educated + "<i>previously</i>" to being "born," give Mr. COWELL a somewhat + unfair advantage over the other competitors? Very few come into + the world with such a chance. "Some are born great, some + achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them," + says SHAKSPEARE. But to come into the world, like MINERVA, + armed <i>College-cap-ŕ-pie</i>, is, as <i>Dominie Sampson</i> + would have said, "Pro-di-gi-ous!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/310-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/310-2.png" + alt="'Francis George.'" /></a>"Francis George." + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June</i> 13.—House filled + up in marvellous style to-night. Through all last week Benches + nearly empty; the few Members present sunk in depths of + depression. To-night, scene changed; Benches crowded; buzz of + conversation testified to ill-repressed excitement. Mr. G., + amongst others, back in his place. "And looking uncommonly fit + too," says FRANCIS GEORGE, Viscount BARING; "not at all sure he + won't, after all, outlive Our JOE. At any rate, he's in fine + condition for the little mill that's coming off."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/310-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/310-3.png" + alt="'Scenting the Battle from afar.'" /></a>"Scenting + the Battle from afar." + </div> + + <p>What everyone gathered to hear was Prince ARTHUR's views as + to date of Dissolution. He has, up to now, successfully + maintained attitude of absolute ignorance that Dissolution is + even pending. Up to to-night the blessed word on everyone's + tongue has not passed his lips. When, a fortnight ago, Mr. G. + diplomatically approached topic, the Prince, with charmingly + puzzled look, talked of something else. Nearest approach he can + bring himself to make to topic, is to refer to arrangements of + public business. This afternoon, when he stood at Table, a + ringing cheer went up from serried hosts of Ministerialists; + answered by closed-up ranks of Opposition. "Ha! ha!" said + STUART, scenting the battle from afar, "that is the first + challenge and reply in the great fight. Soon as BALFOUR's + finished I shall take the Shoreditch 'bus, and look up my + Constituents at Hoxton."</p> + + <p>Prince ARTHUR, with eyebrows slightly raised, stood waiting + for opportunity to speak; evidently marvelling at this unwonted + and unaccountable outburst of clamour. When it ceased, he + observed, quite incidentally, that perhaps it would be + convenient for him to make a statement "as to prospects of + concluding business before termination of the Session." The + Session, note. Not the life of Parliament, nor anything to do + with so disturbing a thing as Dissolution. Kept this up through + long business statement; only at conclusion accidentally + stumbled on the word, and then regarded the prospect as so + uninteresting and immaterial, that he could not come nearer to + its contemplation than an interval of seven days. Not before + the end of one week, and not after the middle of another, was + as near as he thought it worth while to approach such trifling + contingency.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—A great deal.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Quite touching to observe SQUIRE OF + MALWOOD's friendly interest in progress of public Bills. GORST, + in arranging business of Sitting, anxious not to appear too + grasping, put down only limited number of Bills on Orders. "Why + not put down all you've got?" the Squire asks, with mildly + benevolent glance bent on Treasury Bench. "Supposing list is + run through, there is end of your opportunity; whereas, if you + put 'em all down you're ready to benefit by any accident, and + may some night do wonderful stroke of business, working + everything off."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" + id="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/311.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/311.png" + alt="MR. GLADSTONE" /></a><br /> + MR. GLADSTONE has addressed + a letter to the Press:—"SIR,—The requests + addressed to me by Liberal friends ... for personal + visits, speeches, and letters have at this juncture + become so numerous that it is impossible to reply to + them,... or to do more than to assure them that my + time and thoughts are incessantly applied to the best + mode I can devise to the promotion of our common + cause." + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page312" + id="page312"></a>[pg 312]</span> + + <p>Prince ARTHUR listens attentively, regarding with + questioning look the Grand Grey Figure on other side of Table. + "When I was at school," he says, "we were taught, in a foreign + tongue, a maxim about fearing the Greeks when they brought + presents. Not quite sure the right Hon. Gentleman is chiefly + concerned for interests of Government and advance of public + business. But I'll consider his suggestion."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/312-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/312-1.png" + alt="'Big with indignation.'" /></a>"Big with + indignation." + </div> + + <p>Business advancing by leaps and bounds; attendance small; + Opposition effaced itself; only CLARK and ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS take + objection to anything. Being in Committee of Supply they + naturally want to know about things. The Squire privily + approaches them in turn and entreats them to desist, which they + regretfully do. Presently trouble breaks out in fresh quarter. + FERGUSSON takes opportunity on Post Office Vote to ask + Candidates at forthcoming Election to ignore appeal made to + them by Telegraph Clerks for pledge to vote for Select + Committee to inquire into working of Telegraph service. Says + Mr. G. and Squire concur with him in his protest. This brings + up GEORGE HOWELL, big with indignation at what he calls "a + conspiracy against the Working Men of the country." HARRY + LAWSON and STOREY join in. FERGUSSON sorry he spoke; didn't + mean anything; Opposition mollified; vote agreed to.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Supply closed.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Mr. G. hurried in just now, a little + late. Been these two hours at Carlton Gardens wrestling with + representatives of the British workman on Eight Hours' + Question. A little out of breath with skipping upstairs and + running along corridor to be in time. Otherwise, as fresh as if + his afternoon had been spent lounging on lawn at Dollis Hill, + where the other night the Archbishop of CANTERBURY went to dine + with him. Wants to know about the date of Dissolution. It will + be convenient, he says, "at least, for those who have youth and + vigour sufficient again to submit themselves to the + constituencies." Mr. G.'s face wrinkled into smile as he + uttered this witticism. House spontaneously burst into cheer as + hearty on the Conservative side as with Opposition.</p> + + <p>Rattling on with business. SPEAKER out of breath with + putting the question and declaring "the Ayes have it." Irish + Education Bill not only passed Committee, but reported and read + a Third Time. SEXTON sits content, having done good stroke of + work in amending Bill. Managed affair with skill, address and + indomitable perseverance. Resisted all temptation to make long + speeches; pegged away at his Amendments, and carried the most + important in teeth of the Ulstermen.</p> + + <p>"All very well," said DUNBAR BARTON, "JACKSON giving way to + those fellows, and Prince ARTHUR saying, as TOOLE does on the + House-boat, 'Oh, it's nothing!' It may be nothing to him, but + it's a good deal to us. MACARTNEY and I have done our duty. For + myself I shall say no more. I was christened DUNBAR BARTON. + Henceforth let me be known as DUM BARTON."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—More than ever.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Met BROOKFIELD in corridor just now. + Capital fellow BROOKFIELD, though not very well known in House, + much less to fame outside. Was in the 13th Hussars; is now + promoted to the Lieutenant-Colonelcy of 1st Cinque Ports Rifle + Volunteers. Has sat for Rye these seven years, but never yet + spoke. This the more remarkable since he is a trained student + of art of public speaking; has, indeed, just written profound + treatise on the business. FISHER UNWIN sent me copy from + Paternoster Square. Sat up all night reading it. The speech of + "our worthy Member," proposing "The Town and Trade of X," is + thrilling. Another, put into the mouth of "the youngest + bachelor present," responding for "the Ladies," makes your + flesh creep. BROOKFIELD's idea novel and ingenious. Sets forth + what he calls a conventional speech. This fills up Column A. In + Column B. he comments on it, rather severely sometimes; in + Column C. throws out suggestions which, duly followed, make + speech perfect. All possible occasions are dealt with, whether + responding for Bishop and Clergy, Army, Navy, Reserve Forces, + House of Commons, or House of Lords. BROOKFIELD, moreover, goes + behind the scenes; shows the wretched man who has to make + speech preparing it. You see him making up his mind what he has + to say; jotting down a note; revising it after asking everyone + he meets what he thinks of it. Then you write out your speech; + learn it off; get up to address company; things swim before + your eyes; tongue cleaves to roof of mouth; and you sit + down.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/312-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/312-2.png" + alt="An Apt Pupil." /></a>An Apt Pupil. + </div> + + <p>Admirable book: useful on all occasions of daily life; + invaluable on eve of General Election. Surprised to find + BROOKFIELD looking miserably dejected. Tell him he ought to be + quite otherwise. Explains that, fact is, means to catch + SPEAKER's eye. Parliament can't last many more days; hasn't + made maiden speech yet; must do it now, or never; Rye getting + anxious. Could I give him a few hints? With great pleasure; + full of the subject. Begin at the beginning. Ideas; memoranda; + methods: (<i>a</i>) The arrangement of speech, (<i>b</i>) the + management of the voice, (<i>c</i>) attitude or gesture. On + this last I am very particular. "Holding up one finger," I say, + "is a favourite way of bespeaking special attention to some + 'point' which you are trying to make; and waving the right + hand, with outstretched arm, the forefinger leading, is an easy + and not ungraceful method of illustrating the narrative portion + of your speech. For the more vehement passages, a sudden + flourish of the hand upwards, over your head, generally + accompanies some aggressive, triumphant assertion, such as, 'I + care not <i>who</i> he may be!' And a similar movement + downwards, with both hands, would indicate some indignant + complaint, such as, 'And <i>never</i>, from that day to this, + have they fulfilled their promise.'"</p> + + <p>"Excellent!" cried LEVESON-GOWER, who, as I spoke, + involuntarily waved the right hand, the forefinger leading.</p> + + <p>"Yes." said BROOKFIELD, looking a little more uneasy than + before; "very clear, and to the point; but + fancy—er—I've heard it before."</p> + + <p>"Of course you have," I said. "It's in your book; see page + 123. Mind you let me know when your speech in the House is + coming off, After reading <i>The Speaker's A B C</i>, I + wouldn't miss it for anything." <i>Business + done.</i>—Dissolution postponed.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HORACE IN LONDON.</h2> + + <h4 class="sc">To a Mineral Water. (<i>Ad Fontem + Bandusium.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/312-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/312-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O well of Malvern, immaculate fountain;</p> + + <p>Worthy to blend with the Dew of the Mountain,</p> + + <p class="i2">To-morrow, thy rill, gushing + brightly,</p> + + <p class="i4">SCHWEPPÉ shall aërate slightly;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>SCHWEPPÉ (pronounced with an accent as spelt, + Sir.)</p> + + <p>SCHWEPPÉ, purveyor of soda and seltzer,</p> + + <p class="i2">And potass (for gout in one's joint + meant.)</p> + + <p class="i4">Unto the QUEEN, "by appointment."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thee not the furnace of Sirius raging</p> + + <p>Touches; thy natural cool is assuaging,</p> + + <p class="i2">Unmixed, to the temperate classes,</p> + + <p class="i4">Mixed, for the thirst of wild asses.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Malvern, with me for thy rhapsodist, what'll</p> + + <p>Rival the sparkle of bard and of bottle—</p> + + <p class="i2">The bottle in cups effervescent,</p> + + <p class="i4">In couplets the bard, as at present.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"LIKE NIOBE" (<i>suggested advertisement for the Strand + Theatre</i>). Instead of boards up on which is inscribed, + "<i>House Full</i>," "<i>No Standing Room</i>," and so forth, + why not simply, "Niobe—all tiers" (full).</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, JUNE 25, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 14747-h.txt or 14747-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/4/14747">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/4/14747</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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