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diff --git a/14747-0.txt b/14747-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ae03dc --- /dev/null +++ b/14747-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1137 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14747 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14747-h.htm or 14747-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14747/14747-h/14747-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14747/14747-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +June 25, 1892 + + + + + + + +"VERSAILLES" IN LEICESTER SQUARE. + +(OR, THE NEW BALLET AT THE EMPIRE, AS IT APPEARS THROUGH MR. PUNCH'S +PINCE-NEZ.) + +TABLEAU I.--The Park at Versailles. "_Gardeners_," according to the +"Argument" supplied with programmes, "_are seen busily preparing for +the arrival of King Louis the Fourteenth and his Court._" If tickling +the gravel gently with brooms, and depositing one petal a-piece +in large baskets is "busily preparing," they _are_. The Gardeners, +feeling that they have done a very fair afternoon's work, dance a +_farandole_ in _sabots_, after which Ladies and Cavaliers arrive +and prepare to dance too; the Cavaliers select their partners by +chasing them on tiptoe, the Ladies run backwards, and coyly slap +their favourites' faces with bouquets. Here, according to Argument, +"_refreshments are served by Pages_." Don't see any; these particular +Pages seem to have been cut. Dance follows: the _Vicomte Raoul de +Bragelonne_ arrives, but stands apart, taking no part in the dance, +and looking melancholy. Fancy he is wishing he had learnt dancing in +his boyhood, or else waiting for the refreshments to be served. On +referring to Argument, however, discover that "_his mind is occupied +by thoughts of Louise de Lavallière, who was betrothed to him in her +childhood._" Stupid not to see this for oneself. So obvious. Enter +_Louise_. Think _Raoul_ informs her in pantomime that one of the +bows on her dress has "come undone;" she rewards him for this act +of politeness by taking the bow off and pinning it on his breast. +_Raoul_ not satisfied, pleads for another, to put on his hat. _Louise_ +refuses, can't ruin her new frock like that for _him_. Find I'm wrong +again. Argument says, "_he implores her to fulfil the wish of his +own and their parents' hearts by naming the nuptial day. Louise is +confused, and bids him wait._" He retires brokenhearted, in search of +the refreshments, and the Cavaliers, with whom a very little dancing +on gravel and a warm afternoon goes a long way, retire with him. The +ladies, left alone, "_now freely express their opinions on the merits +of their late companions_," which seems natural enough. _Louise_ +dissents; doesn't see anything particularly rude in their conduct, +"Cavaliers _are_ like that--_will_ rush off for refreshments alone +after every dance and leave their partners." At least, that's how _I_ +understood her. Missed the point again. Argument informs me she has +been answering, "_abruptly that the Sun (meaning the King) absorbs her +whole soul, and that she has no thoughts to bestow on mere planets_." +She said all that in a shake of the head and two shrugs, so "abruptly" +is quite the right word. Other ladies annoyed with her, and show it by +walking past and waggling their fingers in her face, which appears to +depress _Louise_ considerably. Then they go out, after the Cavaliers, +or the refreshments. Meanwhile _Louis the Fourteenth_ has entered +at the back and overheard all. _He_ knows what the shake and shrugs +meant, and smiles and nods knowingly to himself. "Oh, I _am_ an +irresistible Monarch, _I_ am!" he seems to be saying. "I'll follow +this up." So he struts down with a fixed smile on his face, like the +impudent young dog he is, and pats his chest passionately at her. +_Louise_ startled. "Don't go away," says _Louis_ in pantomime. "I say, +there's an arbour in that shrubbery,--let's go and sit in it--_do_!" +_Louise_ undecided; tries to excuse herself. "Earwiggy? not a bit of +it!" _Louis_ assures her (he wouldn't be so confident about it if he +had seen his Gardeners at work); "_come_ along!" _Louise_ still timid; +suggests spiders. _Louis_ vows that no spider shall harm her while he +lives to protect her, and draws her gently towards the shrubbery; he +does this several times, but on each occasion her dread of insects +returns, and she recoils shrinking. The King puts his arms round +her to give her courage, and at this instant, _Raoul de Bragelonne_ +returns, sees the back of someone embracing the maiden who was +betrothed to him in childhood, draws his sword--and recognises his +Sovereign. "Whew!" his expression says plainly enough. "Now I _have_ +put my foot in it nicely!" He takes off his hat and apologises +profusely; but _Louis_ is indignant. What's the use of being a _Roi +Soleil_ if you can't ask a lady of your Court to sit in an arbour +without being interrupted like this? He swells visibly, and intimates +that he will pay _Raoul_ out for this in various highly unpleasant +ways. _Louise_ kneels to him for pardon. _Louis_ subsides gradually, +but still shows the whites of his eyes; finally he tells _Raoul_ to be +off. _Raoul_ is submissive--only wants to know where he's to _go_ to. +_Louis_ points to Heaven, evidently regal politeness forbids him to +indicate any other place. _Raoul_ goes off perplexed, and no wonder. +Then, as the Argument explains, "_a trumpet-call is heard_," and +_Louise "bewildered_," perhaps because it is the signal to go and +dress for dinner, escapes to the palace; and _Louis_, feeling that +the arbour is only a question of time, follows. Then Musketeers come +off duty and get up an assault-at-arms, until their careful captain, +afraid that they will hurt themselves with those nasty swords, orders +them to stop, and the First _Tableau_ is over. + +[Illustration: "He swells visibly."] + +TABLEAU II.--Rich hangings have fallen close to the footlights, +to represent an "Ante-room in the Palace." Attendants bring on two +dressing-tables. Enter the two principal _danseuses_, who are about to +dress for the Grand Ballet, when _Lulli_, the Composer, and _Prévot_, +the _Maître de dance du Roi_, come in and very inconsiderately propose +a rehearsal, which of course must be an _un_dress rehearsal--then and +there. This not unnaturally puts both the ladies out of temper; they +object to the ballet-skirts supplied by the Management as skimpy, and +one of them throws up her part, which almost reduces _Lulli_ to tears. +The other undertakes it at a moment's notice, whereupon the first lady +tries to scratch her eyes out, and then has a fit of hysterics. Both +ladies have hysterics. A bell rings and, suddenly remembering that a +Royal Ante-room is _rather_ a public place to dress in, they catch +up the ballet-skirts and flee, Attendants remove the dressing-tables. +_Tableau_ over. Plot where it was. + +TABLEAU III.--Grand Reception Room in the Palace. Enter the Queen, +sulky, because _Louis_ has taken all the Pages, and only left her +a couple of Chamberlains. Enter _Louis_, more impudent than ever. +They take their places on a _daïs_; the hangings at head of a +flight of steps behind are withdrawn, and the first "Grand Ballet +Divertissement" begins. _Louis_ frankly bored, knowing there's another +to come after that. Ballet charming, but he doesn't deign to glance +at it, gives all his attention to a stuffed lamb on the top of the +steps. Bevy after bevy of maidens disclosed behind hangings, each +more bewitching and gorgeously attired than the last--but they don't +interest _Louis_,--or else the presence of the Queen restrains him. +Instructive to note the partiality of the _Corps de Ballet_. When +Signorina DE SORTIS dances, they are so overcome that they lean +backwards with outstretched arms in a sort of semi-swoon of delight. +But the other lady may prance and whirl and run about on the points +of her toes till she requires support, and they merely retire up and +ignore her altogether. There is a dancing Signor in pearl grey, who +supports first one Signorina and then the other with the strictest +impartiality, and finally dances with both together, to show that he +makes no distinctions and has no serious intentions. All this time +_Louis_ has been getting more and more restless; now and then he makes +some remark, evidently disparaging, to the Queen, who receives it +coldly. But at last he can't stand it any longer. "Call this dancing! +_I'll_ show 'em how to dance!" his look says. "Where's LOUISE?" And he +gets up, pulls himself together, and invites her to come and dance a +minuet. Queen disgusted with him, but pretends not to notice. _Louis_ +goes through minuet with extreme satisfaction to himself. Enter Page +with an immense cushion, on which is "_a bracelet of great value_" +(Argument again). Queen excited--thinks it's for _her_; but _Louis_ +stops the dance, takes the bracelet, and gives it to _Louise_. "A +present from Paris. There, that's for being a good girl--take it, and +say no more about it." She does, and they finish the minuet. _Louis_, +on turning round to the _daïs_, discovers that the Queen has gone +away, which he seems to think most unreasonable of her--just when he +was dancing his very best! There is more ballet, after which the King +discovers that _Louise_ is missing too. Her Page comes on and hands +him a letter, which he opens triumphantly. "A _rendezvous_, eh? Never +knew jewellery fail yet! How I _am_ carrying on, to be sure!" says +his face. But, as he reads, his eyes begin to roll, and he has another +attack of swelling. Then the curtains at the back are withdrawn again, +and on the top of the steps, where the stuffed lambs were, he sees +_Louise de Lavallière_ in a nun's robe, entering a Convent. _Louis_ +can't believe it; he thinks it must be part of the performance, though +not on the original programme. As he goes nearer to see, the curtains +close, open again--and there is nothing. And the baffled monarch +realises the melancholy truth--_Louise_ has gone into a nunnery, +without even returning the "bracelet of great value"! Whereupon the +Act-drop mercifully falls, and veils his discomfiture. And that's all! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO NICE OF HER! + +_Captain Muffet._ "MAY I VENTURE TO HOPE THAT YOU WILL GIVE ME A WALTZ +OR QUADRILLE?" + +_Lady Sparker._ "OH, I'M SO SORRY, I'M ENGAGED FOR EVERY DANCE! I'M +ENGAGED ALSO FOR SUPPER TWICE; BUT I PROMISE YOU FAITHFULLY YOU SHALL +HAVE MY THIRD GLASS OF LEMONADE!"] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH.--Several people who do not know me as the writer +of the "Selections," have told me that they took the tip about +"_Balmoral_" for the Manchester Cup, but backed it to _win_ instead of +to be _last_--thereby winning money!--now--of course the last thing +a tipster wishes, is that his prophecy should turn out successful, +therefore I am delighted at the result, as also was Sir MINTING +BLOUNDELL, who won a good stake, and is the only person who knows +the secret of my incognito. He congratulated me most heartily on my +success, which he said was the more wonderful as he knew the owner +did not much fancy the horse!--but, as I told him--if owners of +race-horses knew as much as some of the public--(to say nothing of the +prophets)--they would never lose the money they do, and would probably +give up racing! The selection was entirely my own "fancy." I need +scarcely say, I never _ask_ an owner anything, and if he volunteers +the information that he thinks his horse "has a good chance," I find +as a rule, it's just as well to "let the horse run loose," as they +put it; though that is an expression I never quite understood, as I've +never yet seen a horse "run loose" in a race, except on one or two +occasions when the jockey has been thrown at the start--which now I +come to think of it, may be the origin of the expression! + +So Ascot is once more a departed glory! We all shivered on Tuesday, +got roasted on Wednesday, were comfortable on Thursday, and resigned +on Friday--and on the whole the toilette show was successful; though +I fancy some of the best gowns were held over for Goodwood--_one_ +of mine was at all events--but my goodness!--if only our great +grandmothers could have seen some of our modern petticoats!--more +elaborate than any _dress_ they ever saw!--but then, as Lord HARPER +REDCLYFFE said, our great grandmothers never got off and on coaches +with an admiring crowd looking on, as _we_ have to do now-a-days; and +you have to be pretty smart not to get hung up on the wheels--though +as Lady HARRIETT ENTOUCAS said, "my dear Lady GAY--what _is_ the use +of wearing all this loveliness unless one--" but perhaps it will annoy +her if I tell what she _did_ say! + +The Royal Hunt Cup was a beautiful race, although the winner was not +supposed to be the best of "JEWITT's lot;" but I am told he is one +of those who "will not do his best at home," being beaten in the +trial--and after all, how _very_ human that is--for how many men one +knows who are perfect _bears_ in their home circle! + +Of the horses I advised my readers to "Keep an eye on," only one, +_Buccaneer_, put in an appearance, and won the Gold Cup; so that my +warning as to the difficulty of doing this, was fully borne out by +the result. My Gold Cup selection did not run, and had I known that +_Ermak_ would have been his sole opponent, I should have made him my +tip; but I do not pretend to be Ermakulate! (That's _awful_--please +forgive me, _dear Mr. Punch_!) From the way _St. Angelo_ won the +Palace Stakes, I can't help thinking he would have won the Derby +but for the French horse _Rueil_, who tried to _eat him_ during the +race--(how shameful to let the poor thing get so hungry)--and this of +course interfered with his chance--as you really cannot attend to two +things at a time with a satisfactory result, unless they be sleeping +and snoring! + +I presume that this sort of thing is meant when one reads in the +sporting papers that such-and-such a horse was "nibbled at!"--but +I really think that those who saw _St. Angelo_ on Thursday, saw the +winner of the Leger! There is no race of any special importance next +week, either at Windsor or Sandown, but I will give my weekly tip +for the probable last in the Windsor June Handicap, and meanwhile I +may as well say that I shall grace with my presence the Newmarket +July Meeting, and, emulating the example of other tipsters who +send "Paddock Wires," I shall be happy to supply anyone with my +two-horse-a-day "_Songs from the Birdcage_," at five guineas +a-week--(a reduction to _owners_)--at which price my selections _must_ +be cheap. + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +WINDSOR JUNE HANDICAP. + + If "SHAKSPEARE" spells "ruin," as Managers say, + Tragedians all should be needy! + But a fortune was made by the best of his day, + And an Actor of "notes" was "_Macready_." + + * * * * * + +Why is the Dissolution of Parliament like the human tongue?--Because +it is in everybody's mouth. + + * * * * * + +"CUTS!" OR, WE NEVER SPEAK AS WE PASS BY. + +[Illustration: _Otto, the Wedding-Guest, singeth:_--] + + We never speak as we pass by! + Alas! it was not always so. + But now I cannot catch his eye, + And, when I come, he's prompt to go. + "_Il me reverra._" So I said + When I resigned, his love to try, + But see how WILHELM turns his head! + We never speak as we pass by! + + _Not_ indispensable! Absurd! + I built the Empire, made the Crown. + Of Emperor WILHELM who had heard + But for _my_ prowess and renown? + And Emperor WILHELM cocks his nose, + Regards me with averted eye; + And, just as though, we now were foes, + We never speak as we pass by! + + The boy, the ingrate, the young cock, + Who thinks he's eagle when he crows; + Old Aquila is _he_ to mock? + I'll cut his comb ere matters close. + And yet, and yet he keeps it up, + And Germany demands not _why_! + He bangs away like a big Krupp-- + We never speak as we pass by. + + My HERBERT, _you_ should hold my place, + But you must share your sire's cold snub. + Did I promote the lion's race + To be kicked out by its least cub? + This wedding-favour's gay and smart. + I to Vienna's bridal fly; + But something rankles in my heart;-- + We never speak as we pass by! + + Will FRANCIS-JOSEPH see his way + To--help _Coriolanus_ back? + I can't believe I've had my day; + It makes ambition's heart-strings crack. + But that imperious youngster shuts + The door of hope howe'er I try. + Are we for ever to be "cuts," + And _never_ speak as we pass by? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ADVANTAGES OF MARSUPIALISM. + +"I'M SO TIRED, MUMMY. I WISH YOU WERE A KANGAROO!" + +"WHY, DARLING?" + +"TO CARRY ME HOME IN YOUR POCKET!"] + + * * * * * + +AN EARL'S COURT IDYL. + + SCENE--_A knick-knack stall outside the Wild West Arena. + Behind the counter is a pretty and pert maiden of seventeen + or so. A tall and stately Indian Warrior, wrapped in a blue + blanket, lounges up, and leans against the corner, silent and + inscrutable._ + +_The Maiden_ (_with easy familiarity_). 'Ullo, CHOC'LIT, what do +you want? (_The Chieftain smiles at her with infinite subtlety, +and fingers a small fancy article shaped like a bottle, in seeming +confusion._) Like to see what's inside of it? Look 'ere then. (_She +removes the cork, touches a spring, and a paper fan expands out of +the neck of the bottle; CHOCOLATE is grimly pleased, and possibly +impressed, by this phenomenon, which he repeats several times for his +own satisfaction._) Ah, _that_ fetches you, don't it, CHOC'LIT? (_The +Warrior nods, and says something unintelligible in his own tongue._) +Why don't yer talk sense, 'stead o' that rubbish? + + [_CHOCOLATE watches her slyly out of the corners of his eyes; + presently he puts the bottled-fan inside his blanket, and + slouches off in a fit of pretended abstraction._ + +_The Maiden_ (_imperiously_). 'Ere, come back, will yer? Walkin' off +with my things like that! Fetch it 'ere--d'jear what I _tell_ yer? +(CHOCOLATE _lounges over the counter of an adjoining Bovril stall, and +affects a bland unconsciousness of being addressed. After awhile he +peeps round and pats his blanket knowingly, and, finding she takes no +further notice of him, lounges back to his corner again._) Oh, _'ere_ +you are again! Now jest you put that bottle back. (_The Warrior +giggles, with much appreciation of his own playfulness._) Look sharp +now. I know you've got it! + +_Chocolate_ (_with another giggle_). Me no got. + + [_He intimates that the person at the Bovril stall has it._ + +_The Maiden._ You needn't think to get over Me that way! It's inside +o' that old blanket o' yours. Out with it now, or I'll make yer! +(_CHOCOLATE produces it chuckling, after which he loses all further +interest in it, his notice having been attracted by a small painted +metal monkey holding a miniature cup and saucer._) Want to buy one +o' them monkeys? (_She sets its head nodding at the Indian, who is +gravely interested in this product of European civilisation._) All +right, _pay_ for it then--they're ninepence each. + + [_The Warrior plays with it thoughtfully, apparently in the + faint hope that she may be induced to make him a present of + it, but, finding that her heart shows no sign of softening to + such an extent, the desire of acquiring the monkey becomes so + irresistible that, after much diving into his robes, he fishes + up three coppers, which he tenders as a reasonable ransom._ + +_The Maiden_ (_encouragingly_). That's all right, so far as it _goes_; +you've on'y got to give me another sixpence--twice as much as that, +you know. Come on! (_CHOCOLATE meditates whether as an economical +Indian Chieftain, he can afford this outlay, and finally shakes his +head sadly, and withdraws the coppers._) Oh, very _well_, then; +please yourself, I'm sure! (_CHOCOLATE's small black eyes regard her +admiringly, as he tries one last persuasive smile, probably to express +the degree to which the possession of a nodding monkey would brighten +his existence._) It ain't a bit o' good, CHOC'LIT, I can't lower my +price for you; and what's more, I'm not going to! + + [_CHOCOLATE examines the monkey once more undecidedly, then + puts it gently down with a wistful reluctance, and drifts + off._ + +_The Maiden_ (_calling after him_). You like to do _your_ shoppin' +cheap, don't you, CHOC'LIT? Everythink for nothen' is what _you_ want, +ain't it? _I_ know yer! + + [_The Warrior stalks on impassively, ignoring these gibes; + whether he is reflecting on the beauty and heartlessness of + the Pale-face Maiden, or resolving to save up for the monkey + if it takes him a lifetime, or thinking of something else + totally different, or of nothing whatever, is a dark secret + which he keeps to himself._ + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYFUL SALLY. + +[Illustration: "How Abbey could I be with either!"] + +O SARAH B.! O Mr. ABBEY! What un-ABBEY thought induced you to select +so dreary a play as _Pauline Blanchard_ wherewith to weary the +British Public? And what a finish! _Pauline_, all for the sake of +her disappointed lover, kills her husband with a sickle!--a sickle-ly +sight--and then reaps her reward. M. PERON, the Maire, was effective. +Ancient _Angelina_, Mme. GILBERTE FLEURY, "fetched" everybody, and in +her turn was fetched by M. FLEURY from a loft where stage-business +had taken her in the previous Act, in order to receive her share of +the plaudits. We hear that SARAH has accepted a One-Act piece called +_Salammbô_, by OSCAR WILDE. Naturally we all see SARAH in the first +part of _Sal_. Perhaps the "_ambo_" means SARAH and OSCAR. Being an +Eastern subject, SARAH sees the chance in it of a Sara-scenic success. +On Saturday last, with her wonderful _La Tosca_ in the afternoon, and +her _Dame aux Camélias_ (the "O'Camélias" sounds like an Irish title) +at night, SARAH regularly "knocked them" in the Shaftesbury Avenue. +No one interested in dramatic art should miss seeing SARAH, at all +events, in _La Dame aux Camélias_. + + * * * * * + +PARTICULAR AND GENERAL RELATIONSHIP.--Mr. GEORGE CURZON, as the +_Saturday Review_ remarks in its notice of _Curzon's Persia_, "is +not the first of his family who has written a good book of Eastern +travel." The author, then, is not a first, but a second, or third +CURZON, and this particular work of authorship creates a new kinship, +as his travels are, now, related to the public. + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: Isolde, seated on a sham rock, awaiting the coming of +her lover. Alas! all ends unharpily!] + +_Wednesday._--The Irish Question, heard for the first time +operatically, put by The O'WAGNER in his music-story of "_Tristan und +Isolde_." The story is decidedly a _triste 'un and is old_ no doubt +of it. Frau SUCHER first rate as the Irish Princess _Isolde_. Herr +ALVARY plays _Her Tristan_; good, but not great. All vary well. As +_Kurwenal_, Herr KNAPP, in spite of his name, kept everyone awake, +and did his very best; in fact, "went Knapp." + +Fräulein RALPH was charming as _Braugäne_, and her manner of +inducing the Princess of the Most Distressful Country to take to the +bottle--KINAHAN's L.L.L.--deserved the encore which she ought to have +received. No matter--Fräulein RALPH played with spirit, which is a +dangerous thing to do as a rule. House crammed: not packed. + +[Illustration: "HOW'S YOUR POOR FEET?" + +The Pedicure Motif. Shepherd, with pipe, suffering from "Corno +Inglese," showing Triste 'Un, the Cornish Knight, where he may seek +relief from his Bunions' Pilgrim's Progress.] + +_Thursday._--Long live the _Don_! _Vive_ MOZART! _Don Giovanni's_ +taste as to ladies changed as he grew older. The two musical Duchesses +who accompany _Don Ottavio_ when he is singing are usually, fine and +large; but _Zerlina_, the _Don's_ latest fancy, is _petite_. Why does +Signor CARACCIOLO make _Masetto_ an idiotic old bumpkin? EDOUARD DE +RESZKÉ is admirable as the cowardly _Leporello_, and MAUREL fine as +the Im-maurel Don. With what an air he salutes _Zerlina_! The air +is MOZART's "_La ci darem_," and therefore perfect. ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN +delightful as that arrant flirt _Zerlina_. The Statue was rather in +the dark. The Stalls couldn't see him "noddin', nid nid noddin'." +Let Sir DRURIOLANUS look to this, and say to the Limelighter, quoting +GOËTHE, "More light! More light!" + +_Friday._--_Carmen._ Commend me at once to Madame DESCHAMPS-JEHIN +as _Carmen_. Her name is too long, and there's a little too much of +her, figure-ratively speaking. A trifle over-size for quite an ideal +_Carmen_, but then Madame D.-JEHIN is so good that we cannot have +too much of her. Acting excellent. Madame EMMA EAMES EMMA-nently +first-rate as _Michaela_. We all know JEAN DE RESZKÉ'S _Don José_, +which up to now is hard to beat; so for LASSALLE as _Escamillo_,--the +great song encored, of course. Signor CARACCIOLO as _Dancairo_ (of +a mixed race, Irish Dan and Egyptian Cairo--a regular Bohemian), and +RINALDINI as _Remendado_, capital, not overdone. Mlle. BAUERMEISTER +as _Frasquita_, and AGNES JANSON as _Mercedes_, looked winning, +especially when playing cards. + +_Saturday._--_Cavalleria Rusticana._ Most appropriate when everybody +is talking of the elections and "going to the country." + + * * * * * + +GIRLS OF THE PERIOD. + +LETTER I. + +(_From Miss Mary Logic to Miss Rosa Blackbord._) + +_Coached Cottage._ + +MY DEAR ROSA, + +I fancy I told you that my Uncle JACK was coming home from sea. I +had not seen him for six years--in fact he left England when I was a +child of four or so. As you know, I am now ten. I naturally was rather +curious to meet him. Well he is here, and I am fairly puzzled. He is +rather a nice fellow--partly educated. He is distinctly shaky with his +Classics, and has evidently forgotten half his Mathematics. However +we got on pretty well. He seemed to be interested in my lecture +upon Astronomy, and said "I seemed to be a hand at Chemistry." Well +so I am. As you know, when I was a mere child I was always fond of +experiments of an analytical character. He asked me if I had a doll, +and I suppose he referred to the old lay-figure that I was wont to +sketch before I took to studying from the nude. And now you will ask, +why I am writing to you, when both you and I are so busy--when we are +both preparing for matriculation? When we have so little spare time at +our disposal? + +I will tell you. The fact is, he accuses me of ignorance in the +biographical section of my studies. He gave me the history of a +gentleman who used a blue dye for his moustache and murdered his wives +with impunity. Then he related the adventures of a lady who slept for +a hundred years from the wound of a spinning needle. I had to confess +(although a constant reader of the _Lancet_) I had never heard of the +case before. Then he recounted the adventures of a traveller who seems +to have had a life of considerable interest. This person obtained +quite a number of diamonds, with the assistance of a huge bird called +a Roc. Then he had much to say about a dwarf who defeated (in really +gallant style) several men of abnormally large stature. He laughed +when I had to confess that I had never heard of these people before. +He gave me their names. The wife-slaughterer was called _Bluebeard_; +the lady who slumbered for a hundred years, _The Sleeping Beauty_ (I +suppose she preferred to keep her anonymity); the traveller's name was +_Sindbad_, and the dwarf was _Jack the Giant-Killer_. Have you heard +of any of these people? + +Your affectionate Cousin, MARY. + +LETTER II. + +(_Reply to Same, from Miss Rosa Blackbord._) + +_Algebra Lodge._ + +MY DEAR MARY, + +As you are many weeks my junior (to be precise, exactly two months), +I hasten to answer your letter. I have searched all my Biographical +Dictionaries, but cannot find the people of whom you are in search. +As for myself, I have never heard of _Bluebeard_, know nothing of _The +Sleeping Beauty_, and am sceptical of the existence of _Sindbad_ and +_Jack the Giant-Killer_. Like _Mrs. Prig_, who doubted the existence +of _Mrs. Harris_, "I don't believe there were no such persons." By +the way, you ought to read DICKENS. He is distinctly funny, and I can +quite understand his amusing our grandmothers. I generally turn to his +works after a long day with HOMER or EURIPIDES. + +Your affectionate Cousin, ROSA. + + * * * * * + +"NE PLUS ULSTER."--Decidedly, Ulster can't go beyond "its last," or +rather, its latest, most utter utterances. So far, "words, words, +words;" but from words to blows there is a long interval, especially +when their supply of breath having been considerably exhausted, there +is not much to be feared from their "blows." However, so far, the men +with Ulsterior views have been patted on the back by the _Times_, and +"approbation from Sir HUBERT STANLEY is praise indeed." Yet, had the +meeting been of Nationalists! "But," as Mr. KIPLING's phrase goes, +"that is another story." For, from the _Times_ leader-writer's point +of view, "that in the Orangeman's but a choleric word which in the +Nationalist is rank blasphemy." However, the steam is let off through +the spout, and by the time the Nationalist's dream of Home Rule is +realised, all efforts to the contrary on The part of gallant little +Ulster will probably be "_Ulster vires_." + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--DEAFNESS. (To "EXPERIMENTALIST.")--Yours seems a +peculiar form of this painful complaint. We cannot understand why you +should feel "as if wind were always coming from your left ear." Try +blowing into the ear with the bellows three times a day. It may drive +the wind back. For the "fulness, throbbing, &c.," we should advise +ramming a good-sized darning-needle as far as it will go into the +orifice. After that--or even before--it might be best to consult a +competent medical man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EARLY MISGIVINGS. + +_Newly-Married M.P._ "BY JOVE, TEN O'CLOCK! I _MUST_ GO DOWN TO THE +HOUSE, IF ONLY TO FIND SOMEONE TO PAIR WITH." + +_His Wife._ "OH, DARLING, I THOUGHT YOU AND I HAD PAIRED FOR LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + +"WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK;" + +OR, MANOEUVRING FOR A HOLD. + + Ye who have read in HOMER's mighty song + How sage ULYSSES, AJAX towering strong, + Met at the funeral games on Trojan sands, + With knotted limbs and grip of sinewy hands, + To wrestle for the prize, attend, draw near, + And a new tale of coming tussle hear! + + When great ACHILLES called them to the lists, + Those men of massive thews and ponderous fists, + "Scarce did the chief the vigorous strife propose, + When tower-like AJAX and ULYSSES rose. + Amid the ring each nervous rival stands + Embracing rigid with implicit hands." + Now Greek meets Greek again, but wrestling now + Is not as on old Ilion's shore, I trow; + Not now the olive crown, the long-wool'd sheep, + Is prize; 'tis Power they strive to win and keep. + By diverse dodges and by novel "chips," + Subtler "approaches," and more artful "grips," + The rival champions strive to lock and fell, + Gallia's devices, found to answer well + In wary onset and in finish slow, + Old Attic swiftness, seen in hold and throw. + Supplement or supplant. When AJAX stood + Before ULYSSES, neither seemed in mood + For long manoeuvring. To the clutch they came + With sinews of snap-steel and souls of flame. + "Close lock'd above, their heads and arm are mix'd; + Below their planted feet at distance fix'd: + Like two strong rafters, which the builder forms + Proof to the wintry winds and howling storms; + Their tops connected, but at wider space + Fix'd on the centre stands their solid base." + So in old days. Now wrestlers shift like snakes, + And dodge _à la_ DUBOIS, for mightier stakes + Than olive, parsley, or the champion's belt + Can furnish forth. + Long time hath it been felt + That two superior champions, age-long foes, + At last must come to a conclusive close. + "Defiled with honourable dust they roll, + Still breathing strife, and unsubdued of soul; + Again they rage, again to combat rise,"-- + For one must win; these cannot _share_ the prize. + Great GLADSTONIDES--place allow to age!-- + A chief of seasoned strength and generous rage, + Fell, at their last encounter, to the skill + Of him the swart of look, the stern of will, + Broad-shouldered SALISBURION. Such defeat + Valiant and vigorous veteran well might fret. + He erst invincible, the Full of Days, + The Grand Old One, full-fed with power and praise. + ACHILLES-NESTOR, to no younger foe, + Because of one chance slip and casual throw, + The Champion's Belt is ready to resign; + Nor may his foe the final fall decline. + So "Greek meets Greek" in wrestling rig once more. + Not AJAX or ULYSSES sly of yore, + Nor modern STEAD MAN, JAMESON, or WEIGHT, + Was e'er more eager for the sinewy fight. + Much time is spent in "getting into grips." + Mark how each wrestler crouches, feints, and slips! + Mark how they circle round and round the ring, + Like wary "pug," like tiger on the spring, + Cautious as one, though as the other bold, + Eye, foot, and hand manoeuvring for a hold! + And when indeed they close in mutual clutch, + And put the champion honours to the touch, + Strain every muscle, try each latest "chip," + Which man shall first relax his sinewy grip, + Be hiped, back-heeled, cross-buttocked, or bored down,-- + That's just the question that now stirs the town. + The funeral games of a dead Parliament + Bring every hero eager from his tent: + Say, will ULYSSES, for his art renown'd, + O'erturn the strength of AJAX on the ground? + Or will the strength of AJAX overthrow + The watchful caution of his artful foe? + Will SALISBURION fairly hold his own, + Or be by white-lock'd GLADSTONIDES thrown? + All ask, all wonder much, but who may say? + "Another story" that, and for another day! + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAMSBOTHAM's attention was directed to a letter in the +_Standard_, of June 14, headed:--"Nancy and the Cambridge Delegates." +She supposes that "this is another Spinning House case like that of +DAISY HOPKINS and the Cambridge Undergraduates." Mrs. M. is indignant. +"Delegate, indeed! most in-delegate _I_ call it." + + * * * * * + +INHARMONIOUS COLOURS.--"It is understood," observes the _Observer_, +"that Mrs. BROWNE-POTTER and Mr. BELLEW part company." Evidently +BROWNE and B(EL)LEW don't go well together. Even the Potter's Art +cannot effect a successful blend. + + * * * * * + +A "DEGREE BETTER."--Why should not a bankrupt who has successfully +passed his examination be granted a degree, and add "C.B." +("Certificated Bankrupt") to his name? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WILD WEST KENSINGTON. + +OUR LITTLE FRIEND, TREMLOW, WHOSE DAILY WALK TO THE CITY LEADS PAST +THE HORTICULTURAL EXHIBITION, IS NOT A BELIEVER IN THE IMPORTATION OF +THE RED VARIETY OF FOREIGN EXOTICS.] + + * * * * * + +SLY OLD SOCRATES! + +(_A FRAGMENT FROM THE VERY NEWEST "REPUBLIC."_) + +_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_after introducing a Deputation_). What we +demand is a legal reduction of the hours of labour, and what we want +of you, SOCRATES, is your invaluable aid in getting it. + +_Socrates_ (_smiling_). Most heartily do I wish you _may_ get it--in +both cases. But how say you; is the principle of permanence in a state +or community, or class, best effected by harmony, or as it were, unity +of action in all its members? + +_All_ (_after looking at each other, and rubbing their chins_). How +not, SOCRATES? + +_Socrates_ (_rubbing his hands_). Entirely so! And your class then are +unanimous in favour of a legal reduction of the hours of labour? + +_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_bothered_). Well--ahem!--hardly so, +perhaps. But (_valiantly_), at least three-quarters of a million who +met in the Park gathering at sixteen platforms, were substantially +agreed. + +_Socrates._ Humph! Over forty-six thousand to each platform. That's +a far greater number than even _I_ ever addressed. How did you count +them, or ascertain their views? + +_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_flustered_). Well, I've had twenty years' +experience of mob-mustering, and I think I _ought_ to know. + +_Polemarchus-Steadmanides._ But will you, SOCRATES, give us your +opinions of the opinion of these three-quarters of a million. + +_Socrates_ (_laughing_). By Hercules! that were a task more tremendous +than all his Labours. + +_Cephalus-Pearsonides_ (_aside_). By Vulcan, this is his wonted irony. +He never inclines to answer a question forthrightly, but to use irony, +or evasion, or what the Hibernians call "shenanigan," rather than +answer, if anyone asks him anything. + +_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_aside, hastily_). Yes, yes! But you must +not tell him that, here and now! + +_Socrates_ (_blandly_). Friends, as you suggest that the proceedings +should be of a conversational or dialectical nature, a plan which +falleth in with my views also, I will, if you please, catechise you +categorically, so as to get further into the interior of the question, +and of your--ahem!--minds. + +_Of this catechising, the reporter gives the following condensed +summary._ + +Do you suggest that I should turn my back on myself? _No, that would +be rude._ Or give myself away? _Nay, that were--unthrifty._ Can two +solid things occupy the same space at the same time? _By Zeus, no!_ +Home-Rule--a _very_ solid thing--fully occupies my mind--for the +present. When a Gladstone-bag is _full_, can you put more into it? +_By Mercury, no! But could you not reconsider the packing!_ Not if the +contents consist of _one_ article only. You would like me to pack it +with your Eight Hours' Bill? _Prodigiously! Your strong personality, +would push forward even a worse thing._ How near are you to unanimity? +_As near as considerable difference of opinion will allow us to come._ +Is an unascertained minority to coerce an unwilling majority? _Our +Council has not discussed that?_ Do you know the relative proportions +of majority and majority in organised and unorganised trades; how +their respective opinions are to be ascertained, and, if ascertained, +how legally enforced; if, and how, two millions and a half are to +commit eleven millions to certain binding laws, and involve them in +legal consequences? _No! Yes! Hardly! Not quite! More or less! Well, +we're not quite sure, &c., &c._ + +_Socrates_ (_smiling_). Now, tell me, THRASYMACHUS, is _this_ the +"harmony, or, as it were, unity of action," on which only, as we +agreed, we could found "the principle of permanency in a state or +community?" + +_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_hurriedly_). Well, what you say, +SOCRATES, is very nice, and clear, and logical, and conclusive, +in an argumentative sense, and your attitude is very noble and +high-and-mighty--I mean highminded and all that. And we're _very_ +grateful--but deeply disappointed that you couldn't say something +quite different--_in view of the General Election, you know!_ +(_Meaningly._) + +_Socrates_ (_mildly, but firmly_). It is not my political duty to say +pleasant things all round, but to ascertain--and tell--the Truth. + +_All_ (_deferentially_). Well, we are all _tremendously_ thankful! +(_aside_) for small mercies! Logic scores in argument, but votes tell +at the poll. And if we do not run at least a hundred Labour Candidates +to enlighten you as to our "unanimity," call us--items! [_Exeunt._ + + * * * * * + +_Matinées_ of _Peril_ are advertised at the Haymarket. Most _Matinées_ +deserve this description. + + * * * * * + +THE ARCHDEACON ANSWERED. + + [At the Annual Meeting of the Curates' Augmentation Fund, + Archdeacon KAYE, of Lincoln, urged the desirability of + imposing some limitation to the number ordained to the + Ministry of the Church of England, as three-fifths of the + Clergy were in poverty.] + + "Oh, sad indeed it is to think," + Quoth good Archdeacon KAYE, + "That though our Clergy are so 'High,' + So low should be their pay! + + "They fly to money-lenders' lures, + To speculative chances; + Advancement they appear to lack. + And so they get advances. + + "This 'Discipline of Clergy' Bill + On us is rather rough; + Surely the bills our tradesmen bring + Are discipline enough! + + "A fresh supply of Rectories + Must really soon be found; + All would be _square_, if once there were + Sufficient to go _round_. + + "To get the Clergy out of their + Pecuniary holes, + The sole and only cure I see + Would be--a Cure of Souls! + + "'One man, one Vicarage!'--the cry + To stir a thoughtless nation; + But just at present let us try + Restricted Ordination!" + + "Free Trade in Curates!" shout our girls, + Responsive from their pew; + "You say there are too many, but + _We_ know there are too few! + + "Think of the budding Candidates + For Orders, whom, no doubt, + This limiting of out-put would + Excessively put out! + + "If Curates now are destitute, + A brighter future beacons; + 'Tis only fair that all should share + The stipends of Archdeacons!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONORIS CAUSÂ. + +[The University of Dublin has decided to confer the Degree of D.C.L. +on Mr. HENRY IRVING.] + +_J.L.T._ (_to Dr. Irving_). "I SAY, HENRY,--'SCUSE MY GLOVE,--I'VE +BEEN A DON MYSELF, DON'TCHERKNOW. I CAN GIVE YOU A TIP OR TWO ABOUT +PLAYING THE PART!"] + + * * * * * + +A GIFTED BEING.--The _Daily Telegraph_ of June 11, in giving us +some news from Cambridge about the Mathematical Tripos, had this +paragraph-- + + "The Senior Wrangler, Mr. PHILIP HERBERT COWELL, son of Mr. + H. COWELL, Privy Council Bar, was born in 1870, and was + previously educated at Rev. E. St. JOHN PARRY's School, Stoke, + Slough." + +Now didn't such a start in life as being educated "_previously_" to +being "born," give Mr. COWELL a somewhat unfair advantage over the +other competitors? Very few come into the world with such a chance. +"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness +thrust upon them," says SHAKSPEARE. But to come into the world, like +MINERVA, armed _College-cap-à-pie_, is, as _Dominie Sampson_ would +have said, "Pro-di-gi-ous!" + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: "Francis George."] + +_House of Commons, Monday, June_ 13.--House filled up in marvellous +style to-night. Through all last week Benches nearly empty; the few +Members present sunk in depths of depression. To-night, scene changed; +Benches crowded; buzz of conversation testified to ill-repressed +excitement. Mr. G., amongst others, back in his place. "And looking +uncommonly fit too," says FRANCIS GEORGE, Viscount BARING; "not at all +sure he won't, after all, outlive Our JOE. At any rate, he's in fine +condition for the little mill that's coming off." + +[Illustration: "Scenting the Battle from afar."] + +What everyone gathered to hear was Prince ARTHUR's views as to date +of Dissolution. He has, up to now, successfully maintained attitude +of absolute ignorance that Dissolution is even pending. Up to to-night +the blessed word on everyone's tongue has not passed his lips. When, +a fortnight ago, Mr. G. diplomatically approached topic, the Prince, +with charmingly puzzled look, talked of something else. Nearest +approach he can bring himself to make to topic, is to refer to +arrangements of public business. This afternoon, when he stood at +Table, a ringing cheer went up from serried hosts of Ministerialists; +answered by closed-up ranks of Opposition. "Ha! ha!" said STUART, +scenting the battle from afar, "that is the first challenge and +reply in the great fight. Soon as BALFOUR's finished I shall take the +Shoreditch 'bus, and look up my Constituents at Hoxton." + +Prince ARTHUR, with eyebrows slightly raised, stood waiting for +opportunity to speak; evidently marvelling at this unwonted and +unaccountable outburst of clamour. When it ceased, he observed, quite +incidentally, that perhaps it would be convenient for him to make a +statement "as to prospects of concluding business before termination +of the Session." The Session, note. Not the life of Parliament, nor +anything to do with so disturbing a thing as Dissolution. Kept this +up through long business statement; only at conclusion accidentally +stumbled on the word, and then regarded the prospect as so +uninteresting and immaterial, that he could not come nearer to its +contemplation than an interval of seven days. Not before the end +of one week, and not after the middle of another, was as near as he +thought it worth while to approach such trifling contingency. + +_Business done._--A great deal. + +_Tuesday._--Quite touching to observe SQUIRE OF MALWOOD's friendly +interest in progress of public Bills. GORST, in arranging business +of Sitting, anxious not to appear too grasping, put down only limited +number of Bills on Orders. "Why not put down all you've got?" the +Squire asks, with mildly benevolent glance bent on Treasury Bench. +"Supposing list is run through, there is end of your opportunity; +whereas, if you put 'em all down you're ready to benefit by any +accident, and may some night do wonderful stroke of business, working +everything off." + +[Illustration: MR. GLADSTONE has addressed a letter to the +Press:--"SIR,--The requests addressed to me by Liberal friends ... for +personal visits, speeches, and letters have at this juncture become so +numerous that it is impossible to reply to them,... or to do more than +to assure them that my time and thoughts are incessantly applied to +the best mode I can devise to the promotion of our common cause."] + +Prince ARTHUR listens attentively, regarding with questioning look the +Grand Grey Figure on other side of Table. "When I was at school," he +says, "we were taught, in a foreign tongue, a maxim about fearing +the Greeks when they brought presents. Not quite sure the right Hon. +Gentleman is chiefly concerned for interests of Government and advance +of public business. But I'll consider his suggestion." + +[Illustration: "Big with indignation."] + +Business advancing by leaps and bounds; attendance small; Opposition +effaced itself; only CLARK and ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS take objection to +anything. Being in Committee of Supply they naturally want to know +about things. The Squire privily approaches them in turn and entreats +them to desist, which they regretfully do. Presently trouble breaks +out in fresh quarter. FERGUSSON takes opportunity on Post Office Vote +to ask Candidates at forthcoming Election to ignore appeal made to +them by Telegraph Clerks for pledge to vote for Select Committee to +inquire into working of Telegraph service. Says Mr. G. and Squire +concur with him in his protest. This brings up GEORGE HOWELL, big with +indignation at what he calls "a conspiracy against the Working Men +of the country." HARRY LAWSON and STOREY join in. FERGUSSON sorry he +spoke; didn't mean anything; Opposition mollified; vote agreed to. + +_Business done._--Supply closed. + +_Thursday._--Mr. G. hurried in just now, a little late. Been these two +hours at Carlton Gardens wrestling with representatives of the British +workman on Eight Hours' Question. A little out of breath with skipping +upstairs and running along corridor to be in time. Otherwise, as fresh +as if his afternoon had been spent lounging on lawn at Dollis Hill, +where the other night the Archbishop of CANTERBURY went to dine +with him. Wants to know about the date of Dissolution. It will be +convenient, he says, "at least, for those who have youth and vigour +sufficient again to submit themselves to the constituencies." Mr. +G.'s face wrinkled into smile as he uttered this witticism. House +spontaneously burst into cheer as hearty on the Conservative side as +with Opposition. + +Rattling on with business. SPEAKER out of breath with putting the +question and declaring "the Ayes have it." Irish Education Bill not +only passed Committee, but reported and read a Third Time. SEXTON sits +content, having done good stroke of work in amending Bill. Managed +affair with skill, address and indomitable perseverance. Resisted all +temptation to make long speeches; pegged away at his Amendments, and +carried the most important in teeth of the Ulstermen. + +"All very well," said DUNBAR BARTON, "JACKSON giving way to those +fellows, and Prince ARTHUR saying, as TOOLE does on the House-boat, +'Oh, it's nothing!' It may be nothing to him, but it's a good deal +to us. MACARTNEY and I have done our duty. For myself I shall say no +more. I was christened DUNBAR BARTON. Henceforth let me be known as +DUM BARTON." + +_Business done._--More than ever. + +_Friday._--Met BROOKFIELD in corridor just now. Capital fellow +BROOKFIELD, though not very well known in House, much less to +fame outside. Was in the 13th Hussars; is now promoted to the +Lieutenant-Colonelcy of 1st Cinque Ports Rifle Volunteers. Has sat for +Rye these seven years, but never yet spoke. This the more remarkable +since he is a trained student of art of public speaking; has, indeed, +just written profound treatise on the business. FISHER UNWIN sent me +copy from Paternoster Square. Sat up all night reading it. The speech +of "our worthy Member," proposing "The Town and Trade of X," is +thrilling. Another, put into the mouth of "the youngest bachelor +present," responding for "the Ladies," makes your flesh creep. +BROOKFIELD's idea novel and ingenious. Sets forth what he calls a +conventional speech. This fills up Column A. In Column B. he comments +on it, rather severely sometimes; in Column C. throws out suggestions +which, duly followed, make speech perfect. All possible occasions +are dealt with, whether responding for Bishop and Clergy, Army, Navy, +Reserve Forces, House of Commons, or House of Lords. BROOKFIELD, +moreover, goes behind the scenes; shows the wretched man who has to +make speech preparing it. You see him making up his mind what he has +to say; jotting down a note; revising it after asking everyone he +meets what he thinks of it. Then you write out your speech; learn it +off; get up to address company; things swim before your eyes; tongue +cleaves to roof of mouth; and you sit down. + +[Illustration: An Apt Pupil.] + +Admirable book: useful on all occasions of daily life; invaluable +on eve of General Election. Surprised to find BROOKFIELD looking +miserably dejected. Tell him he ought to be quite otherwise. Explains +that, fact is, means to catch SPEAKER's eye. Parliament can't last +many more days; hasn't made maiden speech yet; must do it now, or +never; Rye getting anxious. Could I give him a few hints? With +great pleasure; full of the subject. Begin at the beginning. Ideas; +memoranda; methods: (a) The arrangement of speech, (b) the management +of the voice, (c) attitude or gesture. On this last I am very +particular. "Holding up one finger," I say, "is a favourite way of +bespeaking special attention to some 'point' which you are trying to +make; and waving the right hand, with outstretched arm, the forefinger +leading, is an easy and not ungraceful method of illustrating the +narrative portion of your speech. For the more vehement passages, +a sudden flourish of the hand upwards, over your head, generally +accompanies some aggressive, triumphant assertion, such as, 'I care +not _who_ he may be!' And a similar movement downwards, with both +hands, would indicate some indignant complaint, such as, 'And _never_, +from that day to this, have they fulfilled their promise.'" + +"Excellent!" cried LEVESON-GOWER, who, as I spoke, involuntarily waved +the right hand, the forefinger leading. + +"Yes." said BROOKFIELD, looking a little more uneasy than before; +"very clear, and to the point; but fancy--er--I've heard it before." + +"Of course you have," I said. "It's in your book; see page 123. Mind +you let me know when your speech in the House is coming off, After +reading _The Speaker's A B C_, I wouldn't miss it for anything." +_Business done._--Dissolution postponed. + + * * * * * + +HORACE IN LONDON. + +TO A MINERAL WATER. (_AD FONTEM BANDUSIUM._) + +[Illustration] + + O well of Malvern, immaculate fountain; + Worthy to blend with the Dew of the Mountain, + To-morrow, thy rill, gushing brightly, + SCHWEPPÉ shall aërate slightly; + + SCHWEPPÉ (pronounced with an accent as spelt, Sir.) + SCHWEPPÉ, purveyor of soda and seltzer, + And potass (for gout in one's joint meant.) + Unto the QUEEN, "by appointment." + + Thee not the furnace of Sirius raging + Touches; thy natural cool is assuaging, + Unmixed, to the temperate classes, + Mixed, for the thirst of wild asses. + + Malvern, with me for thy rhapsodist, what'll + Rival the sparkle of bard and of bottle-- + The bottle in cups effervescent, + In couplets the bard, as at present. + + * * * * * + +"LIKE NIOBE" (_suggested advertisement for the Strand Theatre_). +Instead of boards up on which is inscribed, "_House Full_," "_No +Standing Room_," and so forth, why not simply, "Niobe--all tiers" +(full). + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14747 *** |