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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102,
+June 25, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 25, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 20, 2005  [eBook #14747]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 102, JUNE 25, 1892***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14747-h.htm or 14747-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14747/14747-h/14747-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14747/14747-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 102
+
+June 25, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+"VERSAILLES" IN LEICESTER SQUARE.
+
+(OR, THE NEW BALLET AT THE EMPIRE, AS IT APPEARS THROUGH MR. PUNCH'S
+PINCE-NEZ.)
+
+TABLEAU I.--The Park at Versailles. "_Gardeners_," according to the
+"Argument" supplied with programmes, "_are seen busily preparing for
+the arrival of King Louis the Fourteenth and his Court._" If tickling
+the gravel gently with brooms, and depositing one petal a-piece
+in large baskets is "busily preparing," they _are_. The Gardeners,
+feeling that they have done a very fair afternoon's work, dance a
+_farandole_ in _sabots_, after which Ladies and Cavaliers arrive
+and prepare to dance too; the Cavaliers select their partners by
+chasing them on tiptoe, the Ladies run backwards, and coyly slap
+their favourites' faces with bouquets. Here, according to Argument,
+"_refreshments are served by Pages_." Don't see any; these particular
+Pages seem to have been cut. Dance follows: the _Vicomte Raoul de
+Bragelonne_ arrives, but stands apart, taking no part in the dance,
+and looking melancholy. Fancy he is wishing he had learnt dancing in
+his boyhood, or else waiting for the refreshments to be served. On
+referring to Argument, however, discover that "_his mind is occupied
+by thoughts of Louise de Lavalliere, who was betrothed to him in her
+childhood._" Stupid not to see this for oneself. So obvious. Enter
+_Louise_. Think _Raoul_ informs her in pantomime that one of the
+bows on her dress has "come undone;" she rewards him for this act
+of politeness by taking the bow off and pinning it on his breast.
+_Raoul_ not satisfied, pleads for another, to put on his hat. _Louise_
+refuses, can't ruin her new frock like that for _him_. Find I'm wrong
+again. Argument says, "_he implores her to fulfil the wish of his
+own and their parents' hearts by naming the nuptial day. Louise is
+confused, and bids him wait._" He retires brokenhearted, in search of
+the refreshments, and the Cavaliers, with whom a very little dancing
+on gravel and a warm afternoon goes a long way, retire with him. The
+ladies, left alone, "_now freely express their opinions on the merits
+of their late companions_," which seems natural enough. _Louise_
+dissents; doesn't see anything particularly rude in their conduct,
+"Cavaliers _are_ like that--_will_ rush off for refreshments alone
+after every dance and leave their partners." At least, that's how _I_
+understood her. Missed the point again. Argument informs me she has
+been answering, "_abruptly that the Sun (meaning the King) absorbs her
+whole soul, and that she has no thoughts to bestow on mere planets_."
+She said all that in a shake of the head and two shrugs, so "abruptly"
+is quite the right word. Other ladies annoyed with her, and show it by
+walking past and waggling their fingers in her face, which appears to
+depress _Louise_ considerably. Then they go out, after the Cavaliers,
+or the refreshments. Meanwhile _Louis the Fourteenth_ has entered
+at the back and overheard all. _He_ knows what the shake and shrugs
+meant, and smiles and nods knowingly to himself. "Oh, I _am_ an
+irresistible Monarch, _I_ am!" he seems to be saying. "I'll follow
+this up." So he struts down with a fixed smile on his face, like the
+impudent young dog he is, and pats his chest passionately at her.
+_Louise_ startled. "Don't go away," says _Louis_ in pantomime. "I say,
+there's an arbour in that shrubbery,--let's go and sit in it--_do_!"
+_Louise_ undecided; tries to excuse herself. "Earwiggy? not a bit of
+it!" _Louis_ assures her (he wouldn't be so confident about it if he
+had seen his Gardeners at work); "_come_ along!" _Louise_ still timid;
+suggests spiders. _Louis_ vows that no spider shall harm her while he
+lives to protect her, and draws her gently towards the shrubbery; he
+does this several times, but on each occasion her dread of insects
+returns, and she recoils shrinking. The King puts his arms round
+her to give her courage, and at this instant, _Raoul de Bragelonne_
+returns, sees the back of someone embracing the maiden who was
+betrothed to him in childhood, draws his sword--and recognises his
+Sovereign. "Whew!" his expression says plainly enough. "Now I _have_
+put my foot in it nicely!" He takes off his hat and apologises
+profusely; but _Louis_ is indignant. What's the use of being a _Roi
+Soleil_ if you can't ask a lady of your Court to sit in an arbour
+without being interrupted like this? He swells visibly, and intimates
+that he will pay _Raoul_ out for this in various highly unpleasant
+ways. _Louise_ kneels to him for pardon. _Louis_ subsides gradually,
+but still shows the whites of his eyes; finally he tells _Raoul_ to be
+off. _Raoul_ is submissive--only wants to know where he's to _go_ to.
+_Louis_ points to Heaven, evidently regal politeness forbids him to
+indicate any other place. _Raoul_ goes off perplexed, and no wonder.
+Then, as the Argument explains, "_a trumpet-call is heard_," and
+_Louise "bewildered_," perhaps because it is the signal to go and
+dress for dinner, escapes to the palace; and _Louis_, feeling that
+the arbour is only a question of time, follows. Then Musketeers come
+off duty and get up an assault-at-arms, until their careful captain,
+afraid that they will hurt themselves with those nasty swords, orders
+them to stop, and the First _Tableau_ is over.
+
+[Illustration: "He swells visibly."]
+
+TABLEAU II.--Rich hangings have fallen close to the footlights,
+to represent an "Ante-room in the Palace." Attendants bring on two
+dressing-tables. Enter the two principal _danseuses_, who are about to
+dress for the Grand Ballet, when _Lulli_, the Composer, and _Prevot_,
+the _Maitre de dance du Roi_, come in and very inconsiderately propose
+a rehearsal, which of course must be an _un_dress rehearsal--then and
+there. This not unnaturally puts both the ladies out of temper; they
+object to the ballet-skirts supplied by the Management as skimpy, and
+one of them throws up her part, which almost reduces _Lulli_ to tears.
+The other undertakes it at a moment's notice, whereupon the first lady
+tries to scratch her eyes out, and then has a fit of hysterics. Both
+ladies have hysterics. A bell rings and, suddenly remembering that a
+Royal Ante-room is _rather_ a public place to dress in, they catch
+up the ballet-skirts and flee, Attendants remove the dressing-tables.
+_Tableau_ over. Plot where it was.
+
+TABLEAU III.--Grand Reception Room in the Palace. Enter the Queen,
+sulky, because _Louis_ has taken all the Pages, and only left her
+a couple of Chamberlains. Enter _Louis_, more impudent than ever.
+They take their places on a _dais_; the hangings at head of a
+flight of steps behind are withdrawn, and the first "Grand Ballet
+Divertissement" begins. _Louis_ frankly bored, knowing there's another
+to come after that. Ballet charming, but he doesn't deign to glance
+at it, gives all his attention to a stuffed lamb on the top of the
+steps. Bevy after bevy of maidens disclosed behind hangings, each
+more bewitching and gorgeously attired than the last--but they don't
+interest _Louis_,--or else the presence of the Queen restrains him.
+Instructive to note the partiality of the _Corps de Ballet_. When
+Signorina DE SORTIS dances, they are so overcome that they lean
+backwards with outstretched arms in a sort of semi-swoon of delight.
+But the other lady may prance and whirl and run about on the points
+of her toes till she requires support, and they merely retire up and
+ignore her altogether. There is a dancing Signor in pearl grey, who
+supports first one Signorina and then the other with the strictest
+impartiality, and finally dances with both together, to show that he
+makes no distinctions and has no serious intentions. All this time
+_Louis_ has been getting more and more restless; now and then he makes
+some remark, evidently disparaging, to the Queen, who receives it
+coldly. But at last he can't stand it any longer. "Call this dancing!
+_I'll_ show 'em how to dance!" his look says. "Where's LOUISE?" And he
+gets up, pulls himself together, and invites her to come and dance a
+minuet. Queen disgusted with him, but pretends not to notice. _Louis_
+goes through minuet with extreme satisfaction to himself. Enter Page
+with an immense cushion, on which is "_a bracelet of great value_"
+(Argument again). Queen excited--thinks it's for _her_; but _Louis_
+stops the dance, takes the bracelet, and gives it to _Louise_. "A
+present from Paris. There, that's for being a good girl--take it, and
+say no more about it." She does, and they finish the minuet. _Louis_,
+on turning round to the _dais_, discovers that the Queen has gone
+away, which he seems to think most unreasonable of her--just when he
+was dancing his very best! There is more ballet, after which the King
+discovers that _Louise_ is missing too. Her Page comes on and hands
+him a letter, which he opens triumphantly. "A _rendezvous_, eh? Never
+knew jewellery fail yet! How I _am_ carrying on, to be sure!" says
+his face. But, as he reads, his eyes begin to roll, and he has another
+attack of swelling. Then the curtains at the back are withdrawn again,
+and on the top of the steps, where the stuffed lambs were, he sees
+_Louise de Lavalliere_ in a nun's robe, entering a Convent. _Louis_
+can't believe it; he thinks it must be part of the performance, though
+not on the original programme. As he goes nearer to see, the curtains
+close, open again--and there is nothing. And the baffled monarch
+realises the melancholy truth--_Louise_ has gone into a nunnery,
+without even returning the "bracelet of great value"! Whereupon the
+Act-drop mercifully falls, and veils his discomfiture. And that's all!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO NICE OF HER!
+
+_Captain Muffet._ "MAY I VENTURE TO HOPE THAT YOU WILL GIVE ME A WALTZ
+OR QUADRILLE?"
+
+_Lady Sparker._ "OH, I'M SO SORRY, I'M ENGAGED FOR EVERY DANCE! I'M
+ENGAGED ALSO FOR SUPPER TWICE; BUT I PROMISE YOU FAITHFULLY YOU SHALL
+HAVE MY THIRD GLASS OF LEMONADE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH.--Several people who do not know me as the writer
+of the "Selections," have told me that they took the tip about
+"_Balmoral_" for the Manchester Cup, but backed it to _win_ instead of
+to be _last_--thereby winning money!--now--of course the last thing
+a tipster wishes, is that his prophecy should turn out successful,
+therefore I am delighted at the result, as also was Sir MINTING
+BLOUNDELL, who won a good stake, and is the only person who knows
+the secret of my incognito. He congratulated me most heartily on my
+success, which he said was the more wonderful as he knew the owner
+did not much fancy the horse!--but, as I told him--if owners of
+race-horses knew as much as some of the public--(to say nothing of the
+prophets)--they would never lose the money they do, and would probably
+give up racing! The selection was entirely my own "fancy." I need
+scarcely say, I never _ask_ an owner anything, and if he volunteers
+the information that he thinks his horse "has a good chance," I find
+as a rule, it's just as well to "let the horse run loose," as they
+put it; though that is an expression I never quite understood, as I've
+never yet seen a horse "run loose" in a race, except on one or two
+occasions when the jockey has been thrown at the start--which now I
+come to think of it, may be the origin of the expression!
+
+So Ascot is once more a departed glory! We all shivered on Tuesday,
+got roasted on Wednesday, were comfortable on Thursday, and resigned
+on Friday--and on the whole the toilette show was successful; though
+I fancy some of the best gowns were held over for Goodwood--_one_
+of mine was at all events--but my goodness!--if only our great
+grandmothers could have seen some of our modern petticoats!--more
+elaborate than any _dress_ they ever saw!--but then, as Lord HARPER
+REDCLYFFE said, our great grandmothers never got off and on coaches
+with an admiring crowd looking on, as _we_ have to do now-a-days; and
+you have to be pretty smart not to get hung up on the wheels--though
+as Lady HARRIETT ENTOUCAS said, "my dear Lady GAY--what _is_ the use
+of wearing all this loveliness unless one--" but perhaps it will annoy
+her if I tell what she _did_ say!
+
+The Royal Hunt Cup was a beautiful race, although the winner was not
+supposed to be the best of "JEWITT's lot;" but I am told he is one
+of those who "will not do his best at home," being beaten in the
+trial--and after all, how _very_ human that is--for how many men one
+knows who are perfect _bears_ in their home circle!
+
+Of the horses I advised my readers to "Keep an eye on," only one,
+_Buccaneer_, put in an appearance, and won the Gold Cup; so that my
+warning as to the difficulty of doing this, was fully borne out by
+the result. My Gold Cup selection did not run, and had I known that
+_Ermak_ would have been his sole opponent, I should have made him my
+tip; but I do not pretend to be Ermakulate! (That's _awful_--please
+forgive me, _dear Mr. Punch_!) From the way _St. Angelo_ won the
+Palace Stakes, I can't help thinking he would have won the Derby
+but for the French horse _Rueil_, who tried to _eat him_ during the
+race--(how shameful to let the poor thing get so hungry)--and this of
+course interfered with his chance--as you really cannot attend to two
+things at a time with a satisfactory result, unless they be sleeping
+and snoring!
+
+I presume that this sort of thing is meant when one reads in the
+sporting papers that such-and-such a horse was "nibbled at!"--but
+I really think that those who saw _St. Angelo_ on Thursday, saw the
+winner of the Leger! There is no race of any special importance next
+week, either at Windsor or Sandown, but I will give my weekly tip
+for the probable last in the Windsor June Handicap, and meanwhile I
+may as well say that I shall grace with my presence the Newmarket
+July Meeting, and, emulating the example of other tipsters who
+send "Paddock Wires," I shall be happy to supply anyone with my
+two-horse-a-day "_Songs from the Birdcage_," at five guineas
+a-week--(a reduction to _owners_)--at which price my selections _must_
+be cheap.
+
+Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.
+
+WINDSOR JUNE HANDICAP.
+
+  If "SHAKSPEARE" spells "ruin," as Managers say,
+    Tragedians all should be needy!
+  But a fortune was made by the best of his day,
+    And an Actor of "notes" was "_Macready_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why is the Dissolution of Parliament like the human tongue?--Because
+it is in everybody's mouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CUTS!" OR, WE NEVER SPEAK AS WE PASS BY.
+
+[Illustration: _Otto, the Wedding-Guest, singeth:_--]
+
+  We never speak as we pass by!
+    Alas! it was not always so.
+  But now I cannot catch his eye,
+    And, when I come, he's prompt to go.
+  "_Il me reverra._" So I said
+    When I resigned, his love to try,
+  But see how WILHELM turns his head!
+    We never speak as we pass by!
+
+  _Not_ indispensable! Absurd!
+    I built the Empire, made the Crown.
+  Of Emperor WILHELM who had heard
+    But for _my_ prowess and renown?
+  And Emperor WILHELM cocks his nose,
+    Regards me with averted eye;
+  And, just as though, we now were foes,
+    We never speak as we pass by!
+
+  The boy, the ingrate, the young cock,
+    Who thinks he's eagle when he crows;
+  Old Aquila is _he_ to mock?
+    I'll cut his comb ere matters close.
+  And yet, and yet he keeps it up,
+    And Germany demands not _why_!
+  He bangs away like a big Krupp--
+    We never speak as we pass by.
+
+  My HERBERT, _you_ should hold my place,
+    But you must share your sire's cold snub.
+  Did I promote the lion's race
+    To be kicked out by its least cub?
+  This wedding-favour's gay and smart.
+    I to Vienna's bridal fly;
+  But something rankles in my heart;--
+  We never speak as we pass by!
+
+  Will FRANCIS-JOSEPH see his way
+    To--help _Coriolanus_ back?
+  I can't believe I've had my day;
+    It makes ambition's heart-strings crack.
+  But that imperious youngster shuts
+    The door of hope howe'er I try.
+  Are we for ever to be "cuts,"
+    And _never_ speak as we pass by?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ADVANTAGES OF MARSUPIALISM.
+
+"I'M SO TIRED, MUMMY. I WISH YOU WERE A KANGAROO!"
+
+"WHY, DARLING?"
+
+"TO CARRY ME HOME IN YOUR POCKET!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EARL'S COURT IDYL.
+
+    SCENE--_A knick-knack stall outside the Wild West Arena.
+    Behind the counter is a pretty and pert maiden of seventeen
+    or so. A tall and stately Indian Warrior, wrapped in a blue
+    blanket, lounges up, and leans against the corner, silent and
+    inscrutable._
+
+_The Maiden_ (_with easy familiarity_). 'Ullo, CHOC'LIT, what do
+you want? (_The Chieftain smiles at her with infinite subtlety,
+and fingers a small fancy article shaped like a bottle, in seeming
+confusion._) Like to see what's inside of it? Look 'ere then. (_She
+removes the cork, touches a spring, and a paper fan expands out of
+the neck of the bottle; CHOCOLATE is grimly pleased, and possibly
+impressed, by this phenomenon, which he repeats several times for his
+own satisfaction._) Ah, _that_ fetches you, don't it, CHOC'LIT? (_The
+Warrior nods, and says something unintelligible in his own tongue._)
+Why don't yer talk sense, 'stead o' that rubbish?
+
+    [_CHOCOLATE watches her slyly out of the corners of his eyes;
+    presently he puts the bottled-fan inside his blanket, and
+    slouches off in a fit of pretended abstraction._
+
+_The Maiden_ (_imperiously_). 'Ere, come back, will yer? Walkin' off
+with my things like that! Fetch it 'ere--d'jear what I _tell_ yer?
+(CHOCOLATE _lounges over the counter of an adjoining Bovril stall, and
+affects a bland unconsciousness of being addressed. After awhile he
+peeps round and pats his blanket knowingly, and, finding she takes no
+further notice of him, lounges back to his corner again._) Oh, _'ere_
+you are again! Now jest you put that bottle back. (_The Warrior
+giggles, with much appreciation of his own playfulness._) Look sharp
+now. I know you've got it!
+
+_Chocolate_ (_with another giggle_). Me no got.
+
+    [_He intimates that the person at the Bovril stall has it._
+
+_The Maiden._ You needn't think to get over Me that way! It's inside
+o' that old blanket o' yours. Out with it now, or I'll make yer!
+(_CHOCOLATE produces it chuckling, after which he loses all further
+interest in it, his notice having been attracted by a small painted
+metal monkey holding a miniature cup and saucer._) Want to buy one
+o' them monkeys? (_She sets its head nodding at the Indian, who is
+gravely interested in this product of European civilisation._) All
+right, _pay_ for it then--they're ninepence each.
+
+    [_The Warrior plays with it thoughtfully, apparently in the
+    faint hope that she may be induced to make him a present of
+    it, but, finding that her heart shows no sign of softening to
+    such an extent, the desire of acquiring the monkey becomes so
+    irresistible that, after much diving into his robes, he fishes
+    up three coppers, which he tenders as a reasonable ransom._
+
+_The Maiden_ (_encouragingly_). That's all right, so far as it _goes_;
+you've on'y got to give me another sixpence--twice as much as that,
+you know. Come on! (_CHOCOLATE meditates whether as an economical
+Indian Chieftain, he can afford this outlay, and finally shakes his
+head sadly, and withdraws the coppers._) Oh, very _well_, then;
+please yourself, I'm sure! (_CHOCOLATE's small black eyes regard her
+admiringly, as he tries one last persuasive smile, probably to express
+the degree to which the possession of a nodding monkey would brighten
+his existence._) It ain't a bit o' good, CHOC'LIT, I can't lower my
+price for you; and what's more, I'm not going to!
+
+    [_CHOCOLATE examines the monkey once more undecidedly, then
+    puts it gently down with a wistful reluctance, and drifts
+    off._
+
+_The Maiden_ (_calling after him_). You like to do _your_ shoppin'
+cheap, don't you, CHOC'LIT? Everythink for nothen' is what _you_ want,
+ain't it? _I_ know yer!
+
+    [_The Warrior stalks on impassively, ignoring these gibes;
+    whether he is reflecting on the beauty and heartlessness of
+    the Pale-face Maiden, or resolving to save up for the monkey
+    if it takes him a lifetime, or thinking of something else
+    totally different, or of nothing whatever, is a dark secret
+    which he keeps to himself._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAYFUL SALLY.
+
+[Illustration: "How Abbey could I be with either!"]
+
+O SARAH B.! O Mr. ABBEY! What un-ABBEY thought induced you to select
+so dreary a play as _Pauline Blanchard_ wherewith to weary the
+British Public? And what a finish! _Pauline_, all for the sake of
+her disappointed lover, kills her husband with a sickle!--a sickle-ly
+sight--and then reaps her reward. M. PERON, the Maire, was effective.
+Ancient _Angelina_, Mme. GILBERTE FLEURY, "fetched" everybody, and in
+her turn was fetched by M. FLEURY from a loft where stage-business
+had taken her in the previous Act, in order to receive her share of
+the plaudits. We hear that SARAH has accepted a One-Act piece called
+_Salammbo_, by OSCAR WILDE. Naturally we all see SARAH in the first
+part of _Sal_. Perhaps the "_ambo_" means SARAH and OSCAR. Being an
+Eastern subject, SARAH sees the chance in it of a Sara-scenic success.
+On Saturday last, with her wonderful _La Tosca_ in the afternoon, and
+her _Dame aux Camelias_ (the "O'Camelias" sounds like an Irish title)
+at night, SARAH regularly "knocked them" in the Shaftesbury Avenue.
+No one interested in dramatic art should miss seeing SARAH, at all
+events, in _La Dame aux Camelias_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARTICULAR AND GENERAL RELATIONSHIP.--Mr. GEORGE CURZON, as the
+_Saturday Review_ remarks in its notice of _Curzon's Persia_, "is
+not the first of his family who has written a good book of Eastern
+travel." The author, then, is not a first, but a second, or third
+CURZON, and this particular work of authorship creates a new kinship,
+as his travels are, now, related to the public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+[Illustration: Isolde, seated on a sham rock, awaiting the coming of
+her lover. Alas! all ends unharpily!]
+
+_Wednesday._--The Irish Question, heard for the first time
+operatically, put by The O'WAGNER in his music-story of "_Tristan und
+Isolde_." The story is decidedly a _triste 'un and is old_ no doubt
+of it. Frau SUCHER first rate as the Irish Princess _Isolde_. Herr
+ALVARY plays _Her Tristan_; good, but not great. All vary well. As
+_Kurwenal_, Herr KNAPP, in spite of his name, kept everyone awake,
+and did his very best; in fact, "went Knapp."
+
+Fraeulein RALPH was charming as _Braugaene_, and her manner of
+inducing the Princess of the Most Distressful Country to take to the
+bottle--KINAHAN's L.L.L.--deserved the encore which she ought to have
+received. No matter--Fraeulein RALPH played with spirit, which is a
+dangerous thing to do as a rule. House crammed: not packed.
+
+[Illustration: "HOW'S YOUR POOR FEET?"
+
+The Pedicure Motif. Shepherd, with pipe, suffering from "Corno
+Inglese," showing Triste 'Un, the Cornish Knight, where he may seek
+relief from his Bunions' Pilgrim's Progress.]
+
+_Thursday._--Long live the _Don_! _Vive_ MOZART! _Don Giovanni's_
+taste as to ladies changed as he grew older. The two musical Duchesses
+who accompany _Don Ottavio_ when he is singing are usually, fine and
+large; but _Zerlina_, the _Don's_ latest fancy, is _petite_. Why does
+Signor CARACCIOLO make _Masetto_ an idiotic old bumpkin? EDOUARD DE
+RESZKE is admirable as the cowardly _Leporello_, and MAUREL fine as
+the Im-maurel Don. With what an air he salutes _Zerlina_! The air
+is MOZART's "_La ci darem_," and therefore perfect. ZELIE DE LUSSAN
+delightful as that arrant flirt _Zerlina_. The Statue was rather in
+the dark. The Stalls couldn't see him "noddin', nid nid noddin'."
+Let Sir DRURIOLANUS look to this, and say to the Limelighter, quoting
+GOETHE, "More light! More light!"
+
+_Friday._--_Carmen._ Commend me at once to Madame DESCHAMPS-JEHIN
+as _Carmen_. Her name is too long, and there's a little too much of
+her, figure-ratively speaking. A trifle over-size for quite an ideal
+_Carmen_, but then Madame D.-JEHIN is so good that we cannot have
+too much of her. Acting excellent. Madame EMMA EAMES EMMA-nently
+first-rate as _Michaela_. We all know JEAN DE RESZKE'S _Don Jose_,
+which up to now is hard to beat; so for LASSALLE as _Escamillo_,--the
+great song encored, of course. Signor CARACCIOLO as _Dancairo_ (of
+a mixed race, Irish Dan and Egyptian Cairo--a regular Bohemian), and
+RINALDINI as _Remendado_, capital, not overdone. Mlle. BAUERMEISTER
+as _Frasquita_, and AGNES JANSON as _Mercedes_, looked winning,
+especially when playing cards.
+
+_Saturday._--_Cavalleria Rusticana._ Most appropriate when everybody
+is talking of the elections and "going to the country."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GIRLS OF THE PERIOD.
+
+LETTER I.
+
+(_From Miss Mary Logic to Miss Rosa Blackbord._)
+
+_Coached Cottage._
+
+MY DEAR ROSA,
+
+I fancy I told you that my Uncle JACK was coming home from sea. I
+had not seen him for six years--in fact he left England when I was a
+child of four or so. As you know, I am now ten. I naturally was rather
+curious to meet him. Well he is here, and I am fairly puzzled. He is
+rather a nice fellow--partly educated. He is distinctly shaky with his
+Classics, and has evidently forgotten half his Mathematics. However
+we got on pretty well. He seemed to be interested in my lecture
+upon Astronomy, and said "I seemed to be a hand at Chemistry." Well
+so I am. As you know, when I was a mere child I was always fond of
+experiments of an analytical character. He asked me if I had a doll,
+and I suppose he referred to the old lay-figure that I was wont to
+sketch before I took to studying from the nude. And now you will ask,
+why I am writing to you, when both you and I are so busy--when we are
+both preparing for matriculation? When we have so little spare time at
+our disposal?
+
+I will tell you. The fact is, he accuses me of ignorance in the
+biographical section of my studies. He gave me the history of a
+gentleman who used a blue dye for his moustache and murdered his wives
+with impunity. Then he related the adventures of a lady who slept for
+a hundred years from the wound of a spinning needle. I had to confess
+(although a constant reader of the _Lancet_) I had never heard of the
+case before. Then he recounted the adventures of a traveller who seems
+to have had a life of considerable interest. This person obtained
+quite a number of diamonds, with the assistance of a huge bird called
+a Roc. Then he had much to say about a dwarf who defeated (in really
+gallant style) several men of abnormally large stature. He laughed
+when I had to confess that I had never heard of these people before.
+He gave me their names. The wife-slaughterer was called _Bluebeard_;
+the lady who slumbered for a hundred years, _The Sleeping Beauty_ (I
+suppose she preferred to keep her anonymity); the traveller's name was
+_Sindbad_, and the dwarf was _Jack the Giant-Killer_. Have you heard
+of any of these people?
+
+Your affectionate Cousin, MARY.
+
+LETTER II.
+
+(_Reply to Same, from Miss Rosa Blackbord._)
+
+_Algebra Lodge._
+
+MY DEAR MARY,
+
+As you are many weeks my junior (to be precise, exactly two months),
+I hasten to answer your letter. I have searched all my Biographical
+Dictionaries, but cannot find the people of whom you are in search.
+As for myself, I have never heard of _Bluebeard_, know nothing of _The
+Sleeping Beauty_, and am sceptical of the existence of _Sindbad_ and
+_Jack the Giant-Killer_. Like _Mrs. Prig_, who doubted the existence
+of _Mrs. Harris_, "I don't believe there were no such persons." By
+the way, you ought to read DICKENS. He is distinctly funny, and I can
+quite understand his amusing our grandmothers. I generally turn to his
+works after a long day with HOMER or EURIPIDES.
+
+Your affectionate Cousin, ROSA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NE PLUS ULSTER."--Decidedly, Ulster can't go beyond "its last," or
+rather, its latest, most utter utterances. So far, "words, words,
+words;" but from words to blows there is a long interval, especially
+when their supply of breath having been considerably exhausted, there
+is not much to be feared from their "blows." However, so far, the men
+with Ulsterior views have been patted on the back by the _Times_, and
+"approbation from Sir HUBERT STANLEY is praise indeed." Yet, had the
+meeting been of Nationalists! "But," as Mr. KIPLING's phrase goes,
+"that is another story." For, from the _Times_ leader-writer's point
+of view, "that in the Orangeman's but a choleric word which in the
+Nationalist is rank blasphemy." However, the steam is let off through
+the spout, and by the time the Nationalist's dream of Home Rule is
+realised, all efforts to the contrary on The part of gallant little
+Ulster will probably be "_Ulster vires_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE GRATIS.--DEAFNESS. (To "EXPERIMENTALIST.")--Yours seems a
+peculiar form of this painful complaint. We cannot understand why you
+should feel "as if wind were always coming from your left ear." Try
+blowing into the ear with the bellows three times a day. It may drive
+the wind back. For the "fulness, throbbing, &c.," we should advise
+ramming a good-sized darning-needle as far as it will go into the
+orifice. After that--or even before--it might be best to consult a
+competent medical man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EARLY MISGIVINGS.
+
+_Newly-Married M.P._ "BY JOVE, TEN O'CLOCK! I _MUST_ GO DOWN TO THE
+HOUSE, IF ONLY TO FIND SOMEONE TO PAIR WITH."
+
+_His Wife._ "OH, DARLING, I THOUGHT YOU AND I HAD PAIRED FOR LIFE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK;"
+
+OR, MANOEUVRING FOR A HOLD.
+
+  Ye who have read in HOMER's mighty song
+  How sage ULYSSES, AJAX towering strong,
+  Met at the funeral games on Trojan sands,
+  With knotted limbs and grip of sinewy hands,
+  To wrestle for the prize, attend, draw near,
+  And a new tale of coming tussle hear!
+
+  When great ACHILLES called them to the lists,
+  Those men of massive thews and ponderous fists,
+  "Scarce did the chief the vigorous strife propose,
+  When tower-like AJAX and ULYSSES rose.
+  Amid the ring each nervous rival stands
+  Embracing rigid with implicit hands."
+  Now Greek meets Greek again, but wrestling now
+  Is not as on old Ilion's shore, I trow;
+  Not now the olive crown, the long-wool'd sheep,
+  Is prize; 'tis Power they strive to win and keep.
+  By diverse dodges and by novel "chips,"
+  Subtler "approaches," and more artful "grips,"
+  The rival champions strive to lock and fell,
+  Gallia's devices, found to answer well
+  In wary onset and in finish slow,
+  Old Attic swiftness, seen in hold and throw.
+  Supplement or supplant. When AJAX stood
+  Before ULYSSES, neither seemed in mood
+  For long manoeuvring. To the clutch they came
+  With sinews of snap-steel and souls of flame.
+  "Close lock'd above, their heads and arm are mix'd;
+  Below their planted feet at distance fix'd:
+  Like two strong rafters, which the builder forms
+  Proof to the wintry winds and howling storms;
+  Their tops connected, but at wider space
+  Fix'd on the centre stands their solid base."
+  So in old days. Now wrestlers shift like snakes,
+  And dodge _a la_ DUBOIS, for mightier stakes
+  Than olive, parsley, or the champion's belt
+  Can furnish forth.
+                     Long time hath it been felt
+  That two superior champions, age-long foes,
+  At last must come to a conclusive close.
+  "Defiled with honourable dust they roll,
+  Still breathing strife, and unsubdued of soul;
+  Again they rage, again to combat rise,"--
+  For one must win; these cannot _share_ the prize.
+  Great GLADSTONIDES--place allow to age!--
+  A chief of seasoned strength and generous rage,
+  Fell, at their last encounter, to the skill
+  Of him the swart of look, the stern of will,
+  Broad-shouldered SALISBURION. Such defeat
+  Valiant and vigorous veteran well might fret.
+  He erst invincible, the Full of Days,
+  The Grand Old One, full-fed with power and praise.
+  ACHILLES-NESTOR, to no younger foe,
+  Because of one chance slip and casual throw,
+  The Champion's Belt is ready to resign;
+  Nor may his foe the final fall decline.
+  So "Greek meets Greek" in wrestling rig once more.
+  Not AJAX or ULYSSES sly of yore,
+  Nor modern STEAD MAN, JAMESON, or WEIGHT,
+  Was e'er more eager for the sinewy fight.
+  Much time is spent in "getting into grips."
+  Mark how each wrestler crouches, feints, and slips!
+  Mark how they circle round and round the ring,
+  Like wary "pug," like tiger on the spring,
+  Cautious as one, though as the other bold,
+  Eye, foot, and hand manoeuvring for a hold!
+  And when indeed they close in mutual clutch,
+  And put the champion honours to the touch,
+  Strain every muscle, try each latest "chip,"
+  Which man shall first relax his sinewy grip,
+  Be hiped, back-heeled, cross-buttocked, or bored down,--
+  That's just the question that now stirs the town.
+  The funeral games of a dead Parliament
+  Bring every hero eager from his tent:
+  Say, will ULYSSES, for his art renown'd,
+  O'erturn the strength of AJAX on the ground?
+  Or will the strength of AJAX overthrow
+  The watchful caution of his artful foe?
+  Will SALISBURION fairly hold his own,
+  Or be by white-lock'd GLADSTONIDES thrown?
+  All ask, all wonder much, but who may say?
+  "Another story" that, and for another day!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM's attention was directed to a letter in the
+_Standard_, of June 14, headed:--"Nancy and the Cambridge Delegates."
+She supposes that "this is another Spinning House case like that of
+DAISY HOPKINS and the Cambridge Undergraduates." Mrs. M. is indignant.
+"Delegate, indeed! most in-delegate _I_ call it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INHARMONIOUS COLOURS.--"It is understood," observes the _Observer_,
+"that Mrs. BROWNE-POTTER and Mr. BELLEW part company." Evidently
+BROWNE and B(EL)LEW don't go well together. Even the Potter's Art
+cannot effect a successful blend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "DEGREE BETTER."--Why should not a bankrupt who has successfully
+passed his examination be granted a degree, and add "C.B."
+("Certificated Bankrupt") to his name?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WILD WEST KENSINGTON.
+
+OUR LITTLE FRIEND, TREMLOW, WHOSE DAILY WALK TO THE CITY LEADS PAST
+THE HORTICULTURAL EXHIBITION, IS NOT A BELIEVER IN THE IMPORTATION OF
+THE RED VARIETY OF FOREIGN EXOTICS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SLY OLD SOCRATES!
+
+(_A FRAGMENT FROM THE VERY NEWEST "REPUBLIC."_)
+
+_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_after introducing a Deputation_). What we
+demand is a legal reduction of the hours of labour, and what we want
+of you, SOCRATES, is your invaluable aid in getting it.
+
+_Socrates_ (_smiling_). Most heartily do I wish you _may_ get it--in
+both cases. But how say you; is the principle of permanence in a state
+or community, or class, best effected by harmony, or as it were, unity
+of action in all its members?
+
+_All_ (_after looking at each other, and rubbing their chins_). How
+not, SOCRATES?
+
+_Socrates_ (_rubbing his hands_). Entirely so! And your class then are
+unanimous in favour of a legal reduction of the hours of labour?
+
+_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_bothered_). Well--ahem!--hardly so,
+perhaps. But (_valiantly_), at least three-quarters of a million who
+met in the Park gathering at sixteen platforms, were substantially
+agreed.
+
+_Socrates._ Humph! Over forty-six thousand to each platform. That's
+a far greater number than even _I_ ever addressed. How did you count
+them, or ascertain their views?
+
+_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_flustered_). Well, I've had twenty years'
+experience of mob-mustering, and I think I _ought_ to know.
+
+_Polemarchus-Steadmanides._ But will you, SOCRATES, give us your
+opinions of the opinion of these three-quarters of a million.
+
+_Socrates_ (_laughing_). By Hercules! that were a task more tremendous
+than all his Labours.
+
+_Cephalus-Pearsonides_ (_aside_). By Vulcan, this is his wonted irony.
+He never inclines to answer a question forthrightly, but to use irony,
+or evasion, or what the Hibernians call "shenanigan," rather than
+answer, if anyone asks him anything.
+
+_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_aside, hastily_). Yes, yes! But you must
+not tell him that, here and now!
+
+_Socrates_ (_blandly_). Friends, as you suggest that the proceedings
+should be of a conversational or dialectical nature, a plan which
+falleth in with my views also, I will, if you please, catechise you
+categorically, so as to get further into the interior of the question,
+and of your--ahem!--minds.
+
+_Of this catechising, the reporter gives the following condensed
+summary._
+
+Do you suggest that I should turn my back on myself? _No, that would
+be rude._ Or give myself away? _Nay, that were--unthrifty._ Can two
+solid things occupy the same space at the same time? _By Zeus, no!_
+Home-Rule--a _very_ solid thing--fully occupies my mind--for the
+present. When a Gladstone-bag is _full_, can you put more into it?
+_By Mercury, no! But could you not reconsider the packing!_ Not if the
+contents consist of _one_ article only. You would like me to pack it
+with your Eight Hours' Bill? _Prodigiously! Your strong personality,
+would push forward even a worse thing._ How near are you to unanimity?
+_As near as considerable difference of opinion will allow us to come._
+Is an unascertained minority to coerce an unwilling majority? _Our
+Council has not discussed that?_ Do you know the relative proportions
+of majority and majority in organised and unorganised trades; how
+their respective opinions are to be ascertained, and, if ascertained,
+how legally enforced; if, and how, two millions and a half are to
+commit eleven millions to certain binding laws, and involve them in
+legal consequences? _No! Yes! Hardly! Not quite! More or less! Well,
+we're not quite sure, &c., &c._
+
+_Socrates_ (_smiling_). Now, tell me, THRASYMACHUS, is _this_ the
+"harmony, or, as it were, unity of action," on which only, as we
+agreed, we could found "the principle of permanency in a state or
+community?"
+
+_Thrasymachus-Shiptonides_ (_hurriedly_). Well, what you say,
+SOCRATES, is very nice, and clear, and logical, and conclusive,
+in an argumentative sense, and your attitude is very noble and
+high-and-mighty--I mean highminded and all that. And we're _very_
+grateful--but deeply disappointed that you couldn't say something
+quite different--_in view of the General Election, you know!_
+(_Meaningly._)
+
+_Socrates_ (_mildly, but firmly_). It is not my political duty to say
+pleasant things all round, but to ascertain--and tell--the Truth.
+
+_All_ (_deferentially_). Well, we are all _tremendously_ thankful!
+(_aside_) for small mercies! Logic scores in argument, but votes tell
+at the poll. And if we do not run at least a hundred Labour Candidates
+to enlighten you as to our "unanimity," call us--items! [_Exeunt._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Matinees_ of _Peril_ are advertised at the Haymarket. Most _Matinees_
+deserve this description.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARCHDEACON ANSWERED.
+
+    [At the Annual Meeting of the Curates' Augmentation Fund,
+    Archdeacon KAYE, of Lincoln, urged the desirability of
+    imposing some limitation to the number ordained to the
+    Ministry of the Church of England, as three-fifths of the
+    Clergy were in poverty.]
+
+  "Oh, sad indeed it is to think,"
+    Quoth good Archdeacon KAYE,
+  "That though our Clergy are so 'High,'
+    So low should be their pay!
+
+  "They fly to money-lenders' lures,
+    To speculative chances;
+  Advancement they appear to lack.
+    And so they get advances.
+
+  "This 'Discipline of Clergy' Bill
+    On us is rather rough;
+  Surely the bills our tradesmen bring
+    Are discipline enough!
+
+  "A fresh supply of Rectories
+    Must really soon be found;
+  All would be _square_, if once there were
+    Sufficient to go _round_.
+
+  "To get the Clergy out of their
+    Pecuniary holes,
+  The sole and only cure I see
+    Would be--a Cure of Souls!
+
+  "'One man, one Vicarage!'--the cry
+    To stir a thoughtless nation;
+  But just at present let us try
+    Restricted Ordination!"
+
+  "Free Trade in Curates!" shout our girls,
+    Responsive from their pew;
+  "You say there are too many, but
+    _We_ know there are too few!
+
+  "Think of the budding Candidates
+    For Orders, whom, no doubt,
+  This limiting of out-put would
+    Excessively put out!
+
+  "If Curates now are destitute,
+    A brighter future beacons;
+  'Tis only fair that all should share
+    The stipends of Archdeacons!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HONORIS CAUSA.
+
+[The University of Dublin has decided to confer the Degree of D.C.L.
+on Mr. HENRY IRVING.]
+
+_J.L.T._ (_to Dr. Irving_). "I SAY, HENRY,--'SCUSE MY GLOVE,--I'VE
+BEEN A DON MYSELF, DON'TCHERKNOW. I CAN GIVE YOU A TIP OR TWO ABOUT
+PLAYING THE PART!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GIFTED BEING.--The _Daily Telegraph_ of June 11, in giving us
+some news from Cambridge about the Mathematical Tripos, had this
+paragraph--
+
+    "The Senior Wrangler, Mr. PHILIP HERBERT COWELL, son of Mr.
+    H. COWELL, Privy Council Bar, was born in 1870, and was
+    previously educated at Rev. E. St. JOHN PARRY's School, Stoke,
+    Slough."
+
+Now didn't such a start in life as being educated "_previously_" to
+being "born," give Mr. COWELL a somewhat unfair advantage over the
+other competitors? Very few come into the world with such a chance.
+"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness
+thrust upon them," says SHAKSPEARE. But to come into the world, like
+MINERVA, armed _College-cap-a-pie_, is, as _Dominie Sampson_ would
+have said, "Pro-di-gi-ous!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: "Francis George."]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June_ 13.--House filled up in marvellous
+style to-night. Through all last week Benches nearly empty; the few
+Members present sunk in depths of depression. To-night, scene changed;
+Benches crowded; buzz of conversation testified to ill-repressed
+excitement. Mr. G., amongst others, back in his place. "And looking
+uncommonly fit too," says FRANCIS GEORGE, Viscount BARING; "not at all
+sure he won't, after all, outlive Our JOE. At any rate, he's in fine
+condition for the little mill that's coming off."
+
+[Illustration: "Scenting the Battle from afar."]
+
+What everyone gathered to hear was Prince ARTHUR's views as to date
+of Dissolution. He has, up to now, successfully maintained attitude
+of absolute ignorance that Dissolution is even pending. Up to to-night
+the blessed word on everyone's tongue has not passed his lips. When,
+a fortnight ago, Mr. G. diplomatically approached topic, the Prince,
+with charmingly puzzled look, talked of something else. Nearest
+approach he can bring himself to make to topic, is to refer to
+arrangements of public business. This afternoon, when he stood at
+Table, a ringing cheer went up from serried hosts of Ministerialists;
+answered by closed-up ranks of Opposition. "Ha! ha!" said STUART,
+scenting the battle from afar, "that is the first challenge and
+reply in the great fight. Soon as BALFOUR's finished I shall take the
+Shoreditch 'bus, and look up my Constituents at Hoxton."
+
+Prince ARTHUR, with eyebrows slightly raised, stood waiting for
+opportunity to speak; evidently marvelling at this unwonted and
+unaccountable outburst of clamour. When it ceased, he observed, quite
+incidentally, that perhaps it would be convenient for him to make a
+statement "as to prospects of concluding business before termination
+of the Session." The Session, note. Not the life of Parliament, nor
+anything to do with so disturbing a thing as Dissolution. Kept this
+up through long business statement; only at conclusion accidentally
+stumbled on the word, and then regarded the prospect as so
+uninteresting and immaterial, that he could not come nearer to its
+contemplation than an interval of seven days. Not before the end
+of one week, and not after the middle of another, was as near as he
+thought it worth while to approach such trifling contingency.
+
+_Business done._--A great deal.
+
+_Tuesday._--Quite touching to observe SQUIRE OF MALWOOD's friendly
+interest in progress of public Bills. GORST, in arranging business
+of Sitting, anxious not to appear too grasping, put down only limited
+number of Bills on Orders. "Why not put down all you've got?" the
+Squire asks, with mildly benevolent glance bent on Treasury Bench.
+"Supposing list is run through, there is end of your opportunity;
+whereas, if you put 'em all down you're ready to benefit by any
+accident, and may some night do wonderful stroke of business, working
+everything off."
+
+[Illustration: MR. GLADSTONE has addressed a letter to the
+Press:--"SIR,--The requests addressed to me by Liberal friends ... for
+personal visits, speeches, and letters have at this juncture become so
+numerous that it is impossible to reply to them,... or to do more than
+to assure them that my time and thoughts are incessantly applied to
+the best mode I can devise to the promotion of our common cause."]
+
+Prince ARTHUR listens attentively, regarding with questioning look the
+Grand Grey Figure on other side of Table. "When I was at school," he
+says, "we were taught, in a foreign tongue, a maxim about fearing
+the Greeks when they brought presents. Not quite sure the right Hon.
+Gentleman is chiefly concerned for interests of Government and advance
+of public business. But I'll consider his suggestion."
+
+[Illustration: "Big with indignation."]
+
+Business advancing by leaps and bounds; attendance small; Opposition
+effaced itself; only CLARK and ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS take objection to
+anything. Being in Committee of Supply they naturally want to know
+about things. The Squire privily approaches them in turn and entreats
+them to desist, which they regretfully do. Presently trouble breaks
+out in fresh quarter. FERGUSSON takes opportunity on Post Office Vote
+to ask Candidates at forthcoming Election to ignore appeal made to
+them by Telegraph Clerks for pledge to vote for Select Committee to
+inquire into working of Telegraph service. Says Mr. G. and Squire
+concur with him in his protest. This brings up GEORGE HOWELL, big with
+indignation at what he calls "a conspiracy against the Working Men
+of the country." HARRY LAWSON and STOREY join in. FERGUSSON sorry he
+spoke; didn't mean anything; Opposition mollified; vote agreed to.
+
+_Business done._--Supply closed.
+
+_Thursday._--Mr. G. hurried in just now, a little late. Been these two
+hours at Carlton Gardens wrestling with representatives of the British
+workman on Eight Hours' Question. A little out of breath with skipping
+upstairs and running along corridor to be in time. Otherwise, as fresh
+as if his afternoon had been spent lounging on lawn at Dollis Hill,
+where the other night the Archbishop of CANTERBURY went to dine
+with him. Wants to know about the date of Dissolution. It will be
+convenient, he says, "at least, for those who have youth and vigour
+sufficient again to submit themselves to the constituencies." Mr.
+G.'s face wrinkled into smile as he uttered this witticism. House
+spontaneously burst into cheer as hearty on the Conservative side as
+with Opposition.
+
+Rattling on with business. SPEAKER out of breath with putting the
+question and declaring "the Ayes have it." Irish Education Bill not
+only passed Committee, but reported and read a Third Time. SEXTON sits
+content, having done good stroke of work in amending Bill. Managed
+affair with skill, address and indomitable perseverance. Resisted all
+temptation to make long speeches; pegged away at his Amendments, and
+carried the most important in teeth of the Ulstermen.
+
+"All very well," said DUNBAR BARTON, "JACKSON giving way to those
+fellows, and Prince ARTHUR saying, as TOOLE does on the House-boat,
+'Oh, it's nothing!' It may be nothing to him, but it's a good deal
+to us. MACARTNEY and I have done our duty. For myself I shall say no
+more. I was christened DUNBAR BARTON. Henceforth let me be known as
+DUM BARTON."
+
+_Business done._--More than ever.
+
+_Friday._--Met BROOKFIELD in corridor just now. Capital fellow
+BROOKFIELD, though not very well known in House, much less to
+fame outside. Was in the 13th Hussars; is now promoted to the
+Lieutenant-Colonelcy of 1st Cinque Ports Rifle Volunteers. Has sat for
+Rye these seven years, but never yet spoke. This the more remarkable
+since he is a trained student of art of public speaking; has, indeed,
+just written profound treatise on the business. FISHER UNWIN sent me
+copy from Paternoster Square. Sat up all night reading it. The speech
+of "our worthy Member," proposing "The Town and Trade of X," is
+thrilling. Another, put into the mouth of "the youngest bachelor
+present," responding for "the Ladies," makes your flesh creep.
+BROOKFIELD's idea novel and ingenious. Sets forth what he calls a
+conventional speech. This fills up Column A. In Column B. he comments
+on it, rather severely sometimes; in Column C. throws out suggestions
+which, duly followed, make speech perfect. All possible occasions
+are dealt with, whether responding for Bishop and Clergy, Army, Navy,
+Reserve Forces, House of Commons, or House of Lords. BROOKFIELD,
+moreover, goes behind the scenes; shows the wretched man who has to
+make speech preparing it. You see him making up his mind what he has
+to say; jotting down a note; revising it after asking everyone he
+meets what he thinks of it. Then you write out your speech; learn it
+off; get up to address company; things swim before your eyes; tongue
+cleaves to roof of mouth; and you sit down.
+
+[Illustration: An Apt Pupil.]
+
+Admirable book: useful on all occasions of daily life; invaluable
+on eve of General Election. Surprised to find BROOKFIELD looking
+miserably dejected. Tell him he ought to be quite otherwise. Explains
+that, fact is, means to catch SPEAKER's eye. Parliament can't last
+many more days; hasn't made maiden speech yet; must do it now, or
+never; Rye getting anxious. Could I give him a few hints? With
+great pleasure; full of the subject. Begin at the beginning. Ideas;
+memoranda; methods: (a) The arrangement of speech, (b) the management
+of the voice, (c) attitude or gesture. On this last I am very
+particular. "Holding up one finger," I say, "is a favourite way of
+bespeaking special attention to some 'point' which you are trying to
+make; and waving the right hand, with outstretched arm, the forefinger
+leading, is an easy and not ungraceful method of illustrating the
+narrative portion of your speech. For the more vehement passages,
+a sudden flourish of the hand upwards, over your head, generally
+accompanies some aggressive, triumphant assertion, such as, 'I care
+not _who_ he may be!' And a similar movement downwards, with both
+hands, would indicate some indignant complaint, such as, 'And _never_,
+from that day to this, have they fulfilled their promise.'"
+
+"Excellent!" cried LEVESON-GOWER, who, as I spoke, involuntarily waved
+the right hand, the forefinger leading.
+
+"Yes." said BROOKFIELD, looking a little more uneasy than before;
+"very clear, and to the point; but fancy--er--I've heard it before."
+
+"Of course you have," I said. "It's in your book; see page 123. Mind
+you let me know when your speech in the House is coming off, After
+reading _The Speaker's A B C_, I wouldn't miss it for anything."
+_Business done._--Dissolution postponed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HORACE IN LONDON.
+
+TO A MINERAL WATER. (_AD FONTEM BANDUSIUM._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  O well of Malvern, immaculate fountain;
+  Worthy to blend with the Dew of the Mountain,
+    To-morrow, thy rill, gushing brightly,
+      SCHWEPPE shall aerate slightly;
+
+  SCHWEPPE (pronounced with an accent as spelt, Sir.)
+  SCHWEPPE, purveyor of soda and seltzer,
+    And potass (for gout in one's joint meant.)
+      Unto the QUEEN, "by appointment."
+
+  Thee not the furnace of Sirius raging
+  Touches; thy natural cool is assuaging,
+    Unmixed, to the temperate classes,
+      Mixed, for the thirst of wild asses.
+
+  Malvern, with me for thy rhapsodist, what'll
+  Rival the sparkle of bard and of bottle--
+    The bottle in cups effervescent,
+      In couplets the bard, as at present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LIKE NIOBE" (_suggested advertisement for the Strand Theatre_).
+Instead of boards up on which is inscribed, "_House Full_," "_No
+Standing Room_," and so forth, why not simply, "Niobe--all tiers"
+(full).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case
+be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+102, JUNE 25, 1892***
+
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