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diff --git a/old/14662-8.txt b/old/14662-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7edb339 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14662-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8768 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Around The Tea-Table, by T. De Witt Talmage + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Around The Tea-Table + +Author: T. De Witt Talmage + +Release Date: January 11, 2005 [EBook #14662] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AROUND THE TEA-TABLE *** + + + + +Produced by David Newman, Melissa Er-Raqabi and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net). + + + + + + + +AROUND THE TEA-TABLE. + + +BY T. DE WITT TALMAGE, + +_Author of "Crumbs Swept Up," "Abominations of Modern Society," "Old Wells +Dug Out," Etc._ + +PUBLISHED BY +THE CHRISTIAN HERALD, +LOUIS KLOPSCH, Proprietor, +BIBLE HOUSE, NEW YORK. + + + +BY LOUIS KLOPSCH. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +At breakfast we have no time to spare, for the duties of the day are +clamoring for attention; at the noon-day dining hour some of the family +are absent; but at six o'clock in the evening we all come to the +tea-table for chit-chat and the recital of adventures. We take our +friends in with us--the more friends, the merrier. You may imagine that +the following chapters are things said or conversations indulged in, or +papers read, or paragraphs, made up from that interview. We now open +the doors very wide and invite all to come in and be seated around the +tea-table. + +T. DEW. T. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + CHAP. + I.--The table-cloth is spread + II.--Mr. Givemfits and Dr. Butterfield + III.--A growler soothed + IV.--Carlo and the freezer + V.--Old games repeated + VI.--The full-blooded cow + VII.--The dregs in Leatherback's tea-cup + VIII.--The hot axle + IX.--Beefsteak for ministers + X.--Autobiography of an old pair of scissors + XI.--A lie, zoologically considered + XII.--A breath of English air + XIII.--The midnight lecture + XIV.--The sexton + XV.--The old cradle + XVI.--The horse's letter + XVII.--Kings of the kennel + XVIII.--The massacre of church music + XIX.--The battle of pew and pulpit + XX.--The devil's grist-mill + XXI.--The conductor's dream + XXII.--Push & Pull + XXIII.--Bostonians + XXIV.--Jonah vs. the whale + XXV.--Something under the sofa + XXVI.--The way to keep fresh + XXVII.--Christmas bells + XXVIII.--Poor preaching + XXIX.--Shelves a man's index + XXX.--Behavior at church + XXXI.--Masculine and feminine + XXXII.--Literary felony + XXXIII.--Literary abstinence + XXXIV.--Short or long pastorates + XXXV.--An editor's chip basket + XXXVI.--The manhood of service + XXXVII.--Balky people +XXXVIII.--Anonymous letters + XXXIX.--Brawn or brain + XL.--Warm-weather religion + XLI.--Hiding eggs for Easter + XLII.--Sink or swim + XLIII.--Shells from the beach + XLIV.--Catching the bay mare + XLV.--Our first and last cigar + XLVI.--Move, moving, moved + XLVII.--The advantage of small libraries + XLVIII.--Reformation in letter writing + XLIX.--Royal marriages + L.--Three visits + LI.--Manahachtanienks + LII.--A dip in the sea + LIII.--Hard shell considerations + LIV.--Wiseman, Heavyasbricks and Quizzle + LV.--A layer of waffles + LVI.--Friday evening + +SABBATH EVENINGS. + + LVII.--The Sabbath evening tea-table + LVIII.--The warm heart of Christ + LIX.--Sacrifice everything + LX.--The youngsters have left + LXI.--Family prayers + LXII.--A call to sailors + LXIII.--Jehoshaphat's shipping + LXIV.--All about mercy + LXV.--Under the camel's saddle + LXVI.--Half-and-half churches + LXVII.--Thorns + LXVIII.--Who touched me? + + + +AROUND THE TEA-TABLE. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE TABLE-CLOTH IS SPREAD. + + +Our theory has always been, "Eat lightly in the evening." While, +therefore, morning and noon there is bountifulness, we do not have much +on our tea-table but dishes and talk. The most of the world's work +ought to be finished by six o'clock p.m. The children are home from +school. The wife is done mending or shopping. The merchant has got +through with dry-goods or hardware. Let the ring of the tea-bell be +sharp and musical. Walk into the room fragrant with Oolong or Young +Hyson. Seat yourself at the tea-table wide enough apart to have room to +take out your pocket-handkerchief if you want to cry at any pitiful +story of the day, or to spread yourself in laughter if some one +propound an irresistible conundrum. + +The bottle rules the sensual world, but the tea-cup is queen in all the +fair dominions. Once this leaf was very rare, and fifty dollars a pound; +and when the East India Company made a present to the king of two pounds +and two ounces, it was considered worth a mark in history. But now Uncle +Sam and his wife every year pour thirty million pounds of it into their +saucers. Twelve hundred years ago, a Chinese scholar by the name of Lo Yu +wrote of tea, "It tempers the spirits and harmonizes the mind, dispels +lassitude and relieves fatigue, awakens thought and prevents drowsiness, +lightens and refreshes the body, and clears the perceptive faculties." Our +own observation is that there is nothing that so loosens the hinge of the +tongue, soothes the temper, exhilarates the diaphragm, kindles sociality +and makes the future promising. Like one of the small glasses in the wall +of Barnum's old museum, through which you could see cities and mountains +bathed in sunshine, so, as you drink from the tea-cup, and get on toward +the bottom so that it is sufficiently elevated, you can see almost anything +glorious that you want to. We had a great-aunt who used to come from town +with the pockets of her bombazine dress standing way out with nice things +for the children, but she would come in looking black as a thunder cloud +until she had got through with her first cup of tea, when she would empty +her right pocket of sugarplums, and having finished her second cup would +empty the other pocket, and after she had taken an extra third cup, because +she felt so very chilly, it took all the sitting-room and parlor and +kitchen to contain her exhilaration. + +Be not surprised if, after your friends are seated at the table, the style +of the conversation depends very much on the kind of tea that the housewife +pours for the guests. If it be genuine Young Hyson, the leaves of which are +gathered early in the season, the talk will be fresh, and spirited, and +sunshiny. If it be what the Chinese call Pearl tea, but our merchants have +named Gunpowder, the conversation will be explosive, and somebody's +reputation will be killed before you get through. If it be green tea, +prepared by large infusion of Prussian blue and gypsum, or black tea mixed +with pulverized black lead, you may expect there will be a poisonous effect +in the conversation and the moral health damaged. The English Parliament +found that there had come into that country two million pounds of what the +merchants call "lie tea," and, as far as I can estimate, about the same +amount has been imported into the United States; and when the housewife +pours into the cups of her guests a decoction of this "lie tea," the group +are sure to fall to talking about their neighbors, and misrepresenting +everything they touch. One meeting of a "sewing society" up in Canada, +where this tea was served, resulted in two law-suits for slander, four +black eyes that were not originally of that color, the expulsion of the +minister, and the abrupt removal from the top of the sexton's head of all +capillary adornment. + +But on our tea-table we will have first-rate Ningyong, or Pouchong, or +Souchong, or Oolong, so that the conversation may be pure and healthy. + +We propose from time to time to report some of the talk of our visitors at +the tea-table. We do not entertain at tea many very great men. The fact is +that great men at the tea-table for the most part are a bore. They are apt +to be self-absorbed, or so profound I cannot understand them, or analytical +of food, or nervous from having studied themselves half to death, or exhume +a piece of brown bread from their coat-tail because they are dyspeptic, or +make such solemn remarks about hydro-benzamide or sulphindigotic acid that +the children get frightened and burst out crying, thinking something +dreadful is going to happen. Learned Johnson, splashing his pompous wit +over the table for Boswell to pick up, must have been a sublime nuisance. +It was said of Goldsmith that "he wrote like an angel and talked like poor +Poll." There is more interest in the dining-room when we have ordinary +people than when we have extraordinary. + +There are men and women who occasionally meet at our tea-table whose +portraits are worth taking. There are Dr. Butterfield, Mr. Givemfits, Dr. +Heavyasbricks, Miss Smiley and Miss Stinger, who come to see us. We expect +to invite them all to tea very soon; and as you will in future hear of +their talk, it is better that I tell you now some of their characteristics. + +Dr. Butterfield is one of our most welcome visitors at the tea-table. As +his name indicates, he is both melting and beautiful. He always takes +pleasant views of things. He likes his tea sweet; and after his cup is +passed to him, he frequently hands it back, and says, "This is really +delightful, but a little more sugar, if you please." He has a mellowing +effect upon the whole company. After hearing him talk a little while, I +find tears standing in my eyes without any sufficient reason. It is almost +as good as a sermon to see him wipe his mouth with a napkin. I would not +want him all alone to tea, because it would be making a meal of sweetmeats. +But when he is present with others of different temperament, he is +entertaining. He always reminds me of the dessert called floating island, +beaten egg on custard. On all subjects--political, social and religious--he +takes the smooth side. He is a minister, and preached a course of fifty-one +sermons on heaven in one year, saying that he would preach on the last and +fifty-second Sunday concerning a place of quite opposite character; but the +audience assembling on that day, in August, he rose and said that it was +too hot to preach, and so dismissed them immediately with a benediction. At +the tea-table I never could persuade him to take any currant-jelly, for he +always preferred strawberry-jam. He rejects acidity. + +We generally place opposite him at the tea-table Mr. Givemfits. He is the +very antipodes of Dr. Butterfield; and when the two talk, you get both +sides of a subject. I have to laugh to hear them talk; and my little girl, +at the controversial collisions, gets into such hysterics that we have to +send her with her mouth full into the next room, to be pounded on the back +to stop her from choking. My friend Givemfits is "down on" almost +everything but tea, and I think one reason of his nervous, sharp, petulant +way is that he takes too much of this beverage. He thinks the world is very +soon coming to an end, and says, "The sooner the better, confound it!" He +is a literary man, a newspaper writer, a book critic, and so on; but if he +were a minister, he would preach a course of fifty-one sermons on "future +punishment," proposing to preach the fifty-second and last Sabbath on +"future rewards;" but the last Sabbath, coming in December, he would say to +his audience, "Really, it is too cold to preach. We will close with the +doxology and omit the benediction, as I must go down by the stove to warm." + +He does not like women--thinks they are of no use in the world, save to set +the tea a-drawing. Says there was no trouble in Paradise till a female came +there, and that ever since Adam lost the rib woman has been to man a bad +pain in the side. He thinks that Dr. Butterfield, who sits opposite him at +the tea-table, is something of a hypocrite, and asks him all sorts of +puzzling questions. The fact is, it is vinegar-cruet against sugar-bowl in +perpetual controversy. I do not blame Givemfits as much as many do. His +digestion is poor. The chills and fever enlarged his spleen. He has +frequent attacks of neuralgia. Once a week he has the sick headache. His +liver is out of order. He has twinges of rheumatism. Nothing he ever takes +agrees with him but tea, and that doesn't. He has had a good deal of trial, +and the thunder of trouble has soured the milk of human kindness. When he +gets criticising Dr. Butterfield's sermons and books, I have sometimes to +pretend that I hear somebody at the front door, so that I can go out in the +hall and have an uproarious laugh without being indecorous. It is one of +the great amusements of my life to have on opposite sides of my tea-table +Dr. Butterfield and Mr. Givemfits. + +But we have many others who come to our tea-table: Miss Smiley, who often +runs in about six o'clock. All sweetness is Miss Smiley. She seems to like +everybody, and everybody seems to like her. Also Miss Stinger, sharp as a +hornet, prides herself on saying things that cut; dislikes men; cannot bear +the sight of a pair of boots; loathes a shaving apparatus; thinks Eve would +have shown better capacity for housekeeping if she had, the first time she +used her broom, swept Adam out of Paradise. Besides these ladies, many +good, bright, useful and sensible people of all kinds. In a few days we +shall invite a group of them to tea, and you shall hear some of their +discussions of men and books and things. We shall order a canister of the +best Young Hyson, pull out the extension-table, hang on the kettle, stir +the blaze, and with chamois and silver-powder scour up the tea-set that we +never use save when we have company. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +MR. GIVEMFITS AND DR. BUTTERFIELD. + + +The tea-kettle never sang a sweeter song than on the evening I speak of. It +evidently knew that company was coming. At the appointed time our two +friends, Dr. Butterfield and Mr. Givemfits, arrived. As already intimated, +they were opposite in temperament--the former mild, mellow, fat, +good-natured and of fine digestion, always seeing the bright side of +anything; the other, splenetic, harsh, and when he swallowed anything was +not sure whether he would be the death of it, or it would be the death of +him. + +No sooner had they taken their places opposite each other at the table than +conversation opened. As my wife was handing the tea over to Mr. Givemfits +the latter broke out in a tirade against the weather. He said that this +winter was the most unbearable that had ever been known in the almanacs. +When it did not rain, it snowed; and when it was not mud, it was sleet. At +this point he turned around and coughed violently, and said that in such +atmosphere it was impossible to keep clear of colds. He thought he would go +South. He would rather not live at all than live in such a climate as this. +No chance here, save for doctors and undertakers, and even they have to +take their own medicines and lie in their own coffins. At this Dr. +Butterfield gave a good-natured laugh, and said, "I admit the +inconveniences of the weather; but are you not aware that there has been a +drought for three years in the country, and great suffering in the land for +lack of rain? We need all this wet weather to make an equilibrium. What is +discomfort to you is the wealth of the land. Besides that, I find that if I +cannot get sunshine in the open air I can carry it in the crown of my hat. +He who has a warm coat, and a full stove, and a comfortable house, ought +not to spend much of his time in complaint." + +Miss Smiley slid this moment into the conversation with a hearty "Ha! ha!" +She said, "This last winter has been the happiest of my life. I never hear +the winds gallop but I want to join them. The snow is only the winter in +blossom. Instead of here and there on the pond, the whole country is +covered with white lilies. I have seen gracefulness enough in the curve of +a snowdrift to keep me in admiration for a week. Do you remember that +morning after the storm of sleet, when every tree stood in mail of ice, +with drawn sword of icicle? Besides, I think the winter drives us in, and +drives us together. We have never had such a time at our house with +checker-boards and dominoes, and blind-man's-buff, and the piano, as this +winter. Father and mother said it seemed to them like getting married over +again. Besides that, on nights when the storm was so great that the +door-bell went to bed and slept soundly, Charles Dickens stepped in from +Gad's Hill; and Henry W. Longfellow, without knocking, entered the +sitting-room, his hair white as if he had walked through the snow with his +hat off; and William H. Prescott, with his eyesight restored, happened in +from Mexico, a cactus in his buttonhole; and Audubon set a cage of birds on +the table--Baltimore oriole, chaffinch, starling and bobolink doing their +prettiest; and Christopher North thumped his gun down on the hall floor, +and hung his 'sporting jacket' on the hat-rack, and shook the carpet brown +with Highland heather. As Walter Scott came in his dog scampered in after +him, and put both paws up on the marble-top table; and Minnie asked the +old man why he did not part his hair better, instead of letting it hang all +over his forehead, and he apologized for it by the fact that he had been on +a long tramp from Melrose Abbey to Kenilworth Castle. But I think as +thrilling an evening as we had this winter was with a man who walked in +with a prison-jacket, his shoes mouldy, and his cheek pallid for the want +of the sunlight. He was so tired that he went immediately to sleep. He +would not take the sofa, saying he was not used to that, but he stretched +himself on the floor and put his head on an ottoman. At first he snored +dreadfully, and it was evident he had a horrid dream; but after a while he +got easier, and a smile came over his face, and he woke himself singing and +shouting. I said, 'What is the matter with you, and what were you dreaming +about?' 'Well,' he said, 'the bad dream I had was about the City of +Destruction, and the happy dream was about the Celestial City;' and we all +knew him right away, and shouted, 'Glorious old John Bunyan! How is +Christiana?' So, you see," said Miss Smiley, "on stormy nights we really +have a pleasanter time than when the moon and stars are reigning." + +Miss Stinger had sat quietly looking into her tea-cup until this moment, +when she clashed her spoon into the saucer, and said, "If there is any +thing I dislike, it is an attempt at poetry when you can't do it. I know +some people who always try to show themselves in public; but when they are +home, they never have their collar on straight, and in the morning look +like a whirlwind breakfasting on a haystack. As for me, I am practical, and +winter is winter, and sleet is sleet, and ice is ice, and a tea-cup is a +tea-cup; and if you will pass mine up to the hostess to be resupplied, I +will like it a great deal better than all this sentimentalism. No +sweetening, if you please. I do not like things sweet. Do not put in any of +your beautiful snow for sugar, nor stir it with an icicle." + +This sudden jerk in the conversation snapped it off, and for a moment there +was quiet. I knew not how to get conversation started again. Our usual way +is to talk about the weather; but that subject had been already exhausted. + +Suddenly I saw the color for the first time in years come into the face of +Mr. Givemfits. The fact was that, in biting a hard crust of bread, he had +struck a sore tooth which had been troubling him, and he broke out with the +exclamation, "Dr. Butterfield, the physical and moral world is +degenerating. Things get worse and worse. Look, for instance, at the tone +of many of the newspapers; gossip, abuse, lies, blackmail, make up the +chief part of them, and useful intelligence is the exception. The public +have more interest in murders and steamboat explosions than in the items of +mental and spiritual progress. Church and State are covered up with +newspaper mud." + +"Stop!" said Dr. Butterfield. "Don't you ever buy newspapers?" + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +A GROWLER SOOTHED. + + +Givemfits said to Dr. Butterfield, "You asked me last evening if I ever +bought newspapers. I reply, Yes, and write for them too. + +"But I see their degeneracy. Once you could believe nearly all they said; +now he is a fool who believes a tenth part of it. There is the New York +'Scandalmonger,' and the Philadelphia 'Prestidigitateur,' and the Boston +'Prolific,' which do nothing but hoodwink and confound the public mind. Ten +dollars will get a favorable report of a meeting, or as much will get it +caricatured. There is a secret spring behind almost every column. It +depends on what the editor had for supper the night before whether he wants +Foster hung or his sentence commuted. If the literary man had toast and +tea, as weak as this before me, he sleeps soundly, and next day says in his +columns that Foster ought not to be executed; he is a good fellow, and the +clergymen who went to Albany to get him pardoned were engaged in a holy +calling, and their congregations had better hold fast of them lest they go +up like Elijah. But if the editor had a supper at eleven, o'clock at night +of scallops fried in poor lard, and a little too much bourbon, the next day +he is headachy, and says Foster, the scalawag, ought to be hung, or beaten +to death with his own car-hook, and the ministers who went to Albany to get +him pardoned might better have been taking tea with some of the old ladies. +I have been behind the scenes and know all about it, and must admit that I +have done some of the bad work myself. I have on my writing-stand thirty +or forty books to discuss as a critic, and the column must be made up. Do +you think I take time to read the thirty or forty books? No. I first take a +dive into the index, a second dive into the preface, a third dive into the +four hundredth page, the fourth dive into the seventieth page, and then +seize my pen and do up the whole job in fifteen minutes. I make up my mind +to like the book or not to like it, according as I admire or despise the +author. But the leniency or severity of my article depends on whether the +room is cold and my rheumatism that day is sharp or easy. Speaking of these +things reminds me that the sermon which the Right Reverend Bishop +Goodenough preached last Sunday, on 'Growth in Grace,' was taken down and +brought to our office by a reporter who fell over the door-sill of the +sanctum so drunk we had to help him up and fish in his pockets for the +bishop's sermon on holiness of heart and life, which we were sure was +somewhere about him." + +"Tut! tut!" cried Dr. Butterfield. "I think, Mr. Givemfits, you are +entirely mistaken. (The doctor all the while stirring the sugar in his +cup.) I think the printing-press is a mighty agency for the world's +betterment. If I were not a minister, I would be an editor. There are +Bohemians in the newspaper profession, as in all others, but do not +denounce the entire apostleship for the sake of one Judas. Reporters, as I +know them, are clever fellows, worked almost to death, compelled to keep +unseasonable hours, and have temptations to fight which few other +occupations endure. Considering the blunders and indistinctness of the +public speaker, I think they get things wonderfully accurate. The speaker +murders the king's English, and is mad because the reporter cannot +resuscitate the corpse. I once made a speech at an ice-cream festival amid +great embarrassments, and hemmed, and hawed, and expectorated cotton from +my dry mouth, and sweat like a Turkish bath, the adjectives, and the nouns, +and verbs, and prepositions of my address keeping an Irish wake; but the +next day, in the 'Johnstown Advocate,' my remarks read as gracefully as +Addison's 'Spectator.' I knew a phonographer in Washington whose entire +business it was to weed out from Congressmen's speeches the sins against +Anglo-Saxon; but the work was too much for him, and he died of delirium +tremens, from having drank too much of the wine of syntax, in his ravings +imagining that 'interrogations' were crawling over him like snakes, and +that 'interjections' were thrusting him through with daggers and 'periods' +struck him like bullets, and his body seemed torn apart by disjunctive +conjunctions. No, Mr. Givemfits, you are too hard. And as to the +book-critics whom you condemn, they do more for the circulation of books +than any other class, especially if they denounce and caricature, for then +human nature will see the book at any price. After I had published my book +on 'The Philosophy of Civilization,' it was so badgered by the critics and +called so many hard names that my publishers could not print it fast enough +to meet the demands of the curious. Besides, what would we do without the +newspaper? With, the iron rake of the telegraph it draws the whole world to +our door every morning. The sermon that the minister preached to five +hundred people on Sabbath the newspaper next day preaches to fifty +thousand. It takes the verses which the poet chimed in his small room of +ten feet by six, and rings them into the ears of the continent. The +cylinder of the printing-press is to be one of the wheels of the Lord's +chariot. The good newspapers will overcome the bad ones, and the +honey-bees will outnumber the hornets. Instead of the three or four +religious newspapers that once lived on gruel and pap, sitting down once a +week on some good man's door-step to rest, thankful if not kicked off, now +many of the denominations have stalwart journals that swing their scythe +through the sins of the world, and are avant couriers of the Lord's +coming." + +As Dr. Butterfield concluded this sentence his face shone like a harvest +moon. We had all dropped our knives, and were looking at him. The Young +Hyson tea was having its mollifying effect on the whole company. Mr. +Givemfits had made way with his fourth cup (they were small cups, the set +we use for company), and he was entirely soothed and moderated in his +opinions about everything, and actually clapped his hands at Dr. +Butterfield's peroration. Even Miss Stinger was in a glow, for she had +drank large quantities of the fragrant beverage while piping hot, and in +her delight she took Givemfits' arm, and asked him if he ever meant to get +married. Miss Smiley smiled. Then Dr. Butterfield lifted his cup, and +proposed a toast which we all drank standing: "The mission of the +printing-press! The salubrity of the climate! The prospects ahead! The +wonders of Oolong and Young Hyson!" + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +CARLO AND THE FREEZER. + + +We had a jolly time at our tea-table this evening. We had not seen our old +friend for ten years. When I heard his voice in the hall, it seemed like a +snatch of "Auld Lang Syne." He came from Belleville, where was the first +home we ever set up for ourselves. It was a stormy evening, and we did not +expect company, but we soon made way for him at the table. Jennie was very +willing to stand up at the corner; and after a fair napkin had been thrown +over the place where she had dropped a speck of jelly, our friend and I +began the rehearsal of other days. While I was alluding to a circumstance +that occurred between me and one of my Belleville neighbors the children +cried out with stentorian voice, "Tell us about Carlo and the freezer;" and +they kicked the leg of the table, and beat with both hands, and clattered +the knives on the plate, until I was compelled to shout, "Silence! You act +like a band of Arabs! Frank, you had better swallow what you have in your +mouth before you attempt to talk." Order having been gained, I began: + +We sat in the country parsonage, on a cold winter day, looking out of our +back window toward the house of a neighbor. She was a model of kindness, +and a most convenient neighbor to have. It was a rule between us that when +either house was in want of anything it should borrow of the other. The +rule worked well for the parsonage, but rather badly for the neighbor, +because on our side of the fence we had just begun to keep house, and +needed to borrow everything, while we had nothing to lend, except a few +sermons, which the neighbor never tried to borrow, from the fact that she +had enough of them on Sundays. There is no danger that your neighbor will +burn a hole in your new brass kettle if you have none to lend. It will +excite no surprise to say that we had an interest in all that happened on +the other side of the parsonage fence, and that any injury inflicted on so +kind a woman would rouse our sympathy. + +On the wintry morning of which we speak our neighbor had been making +ice-cream; but there being some defect in the machinery, the cream had not +sufficiently congealed, and so she set the can of the freezer containing +the luxury on her back steps, expecting the cold air would completely +harden it. What was our dismay to see that our dog Carlo, on whose early +education we were expending great care, had taken upon himself the office +of ice-cream inspector, and was actually busy with the freezer! We hoisted +the window and shouted at him, but his mind was so absorbed in his +undertaking he did not stop to listen. Carlo was a greyhound, thin, gaunt +and long-nosed, and he was already making his way on down toward the bottom +of the can. His eyes and all his head had disappeared in the depths of the +freezer. Indeed, he was so far submerged that when he heard us, with quick +and infuriate pace, coming up close behind him, he could not get his head +out, and so started with the encumbrance on his head, in what direction he +knew not. No dog was ever in a more embarrassing position--freezer to the +right of him, freezer to the left of him, freezer on the top of him, +freezer under him. + +So, thoroughly blinded, he rushed against the fence then against the side +of the house, then against a tree. He barked as though he thought he might +explode the nuisance with loud sound, but the sound was confined in so +strange a speaking-trumpet that he could not have known his own voice. His +way seemed hedged up. Fright and anger and remorse and shame whirled him +about without mercy. + +A feeling of mirthfulness, which sometimes takes me on most inappropriate +occasions, seized me, and I sat down on the ground, powerless at the moment +when Carlo most needed help. If I only could have got near enough, I would +have put my foot on the freezer, and, taking hold of the dog's tail, +dislodged him instantly; but this I was not permitted to do. At this stage +of the disaster my neighbor appeared with a look of consternation, her +cap-strings flying in the cold wind. I tried to explain, but the aforesaid +untimely hilarity hindered me. All I could do was to point at the flying +freezer and the adjoining dog and ask her to call off her freezer, and, +with assumed indignation, demand what she meant by trying to kill my +greyhound. + +The poor dog's every attempt at escape only wedged himself more thoroughly +fast. But after a while, in time to save the dog, though not to save the +ice-cream, my neighbor and myself effected a rescue. Edwin Landseer, the +great painter of dogs and their friends, missed his best chance by not +being there when the parishioner took hold of the freezer and the pastor +seized the dog's tail, and, pulling mightily in opposite directions, they +each got possession of their own property. + +Carlo was cured of his love for luxuries, and the sight of the freezer on +the back steps till the day of his death would send him howling away. + +Carlo found, as many people have found, that it is easier to get into +trouble than to get out. Nothing could be more delicious than while he was +eating his way in, but what must have been his feelings when he found it +impossible to get out! While he was stealing the freezer the freezer stole +him. + +Lesson for dogs and men! "Come in!" says the gray spider to the house-fly; +"I have entertained a great many flies. I have plenty of room, fine meals +and a gay life. Walk on this suspension bridge. Give me your hand. Come in, +my sweet lady fly. These walls are covered with silk, and the tapestry is +gobelin. I am a wonderful creature. I have eight eyes, and of course can +see your best interest. Philosophers have written volumes about my antennae +and cephalothorax." House-fly walks gently in. The web rocks like a cradle +in the breeze. The house-fly feels honored to be the guest of such a big +spider. We all have regard for big bugs. "But what is this?" cries the fly, +pointing to a broken wing, "and this fragment of an insect's foot. There +must have been a murder here! Let me go back!" "Ha! ha!" says the spider, +"the gate is locked, the drawbridge is up. I only contracted to bring you +in. I cannot afford to let you out. Take a drop of this poison, and it will +quiet your nerves. I throw this hook of a fang over your neck to keep you +from falling off." Word went back to the house-fly's family, and a choir of +great green-bottled insects sang this psalm at the funeral: + + "An unfortunate fly a-visiting went, + And in a gossamer web found himself pent." + +The first five years of a dissipated life are comparatively easy, for it is +all down hill; but when the man wakes up and finds his tongue wound with +blasphemies, and his eyes swimming in rheum, and the antennae of vice +feeling along his nerves, and the spiderish poison eating through his very +life, and, he resolves to return, he finds it hard traveling, for it is up +hill, and the fortresses along the road open on him their batteries. We go +into sin, hop, skip and jump; we come out of it creeping on all fours. + +Let flies and dogs and men keep out of mischief. It is smooth all the way +there, and rough all the way back. It is ice-cream for Carlo clear down to +the bottom of the can, but afterward it is blinded eyes and sore neck and +great fright. It is only eighteen inches to go into the freezer; it is +three miles out. For Robert Burns it is rich wine and clapping hands and +carnival all the way going to Edinburgh; but going back, it is worn-out +body, and lost estate, and stinging conscience, and broken heart, and a +drunkard's grave. + +Better moderate our desires. Carlo had that morning as good a breakfast as +any dog need to have. It was a law of the household that he should be well +fed. Had he been satisfied with bread and meat, all would have been well. +But he sauntered out for luxuries. He wanted ice-cream. He got it, but +brought upon his head the perils and damages of which I have written. As +long as we have reasonable wants we get on comfortably, but it is the +struggle after luxuries that fills society with distress, and populates +prisons, and sends hundreds of people stark mad. Dissatisfied with a plain +house, and ordinary apparel, and respectable surroundings, they plunge +their head into enterprises and speculations from which they have to sneak +out in disgrace. Thousands of men have sacrificed honor and religion for +luxuries, and died with the freezer about their ears. + +Young Catchem has one horse, but wants six. Lives in a nice house on +Thirtieth street, but wants one on Madison Square. Has one beautiful wife, +but wants four. Owns a hundred thousand dollars of Erie stock, but wants a +million. Plunges his head into schemes of all sorts, eats his way to the +bottom of the can till he cannot extricate himself, and constables, and +sheriffs, and indignant society, which would have said nothing had he been +successful, go to pounding him because he cannot get his head out. + +Our poor old Carlo is dead now. We all cried when we found that he would +never frisk again at our coming, nor put up his paw against us. But he +lived long enough to preach the sermon about caution and contentment of +which I have been the stenographer. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +OLD GAMES REPEATED. + + +We tarried longer in the dining-room this evening than usual, and the +children, losing their interest in what we were saying got to playing all +about us in a very boisterous way, but we said nothing, for it is the +evening hour, and I think it keeps one fresh to have these things going on +around us. Indeed, we never get over being boys and girls. The good, +healthy man sixty years of age is only a boy with added experience. A woman +is only an old girl. Summer is but an older spring. August is May in its +teens. We shall be useful in proportion as we keep young in our feelings. +There is no use for fossils except in museums and on the shelf. I like +young old folks. + +Indeed, we all keep doing over what we did in childhood. You thought that +long ago you got through with "blind-man's-buff," and "hide-and-seek," and +"puss in the corner," and "tick-tack-to," and "leap-frog," but all our +lives are passed in playing those old games over again. + +You say, "What a racket those children make in the other room! When Squire +Jones' boys come over to spend the evening with our children, it seems as +if they would tear the house down." "Father, be patient!" the wife says; +"we once played 'blind-man's-buff' ourselves." Sure enough, father is +playing it now, if he only knew it. Much of our time in life we go about +blindfolded, stumbling over mistakes, trying to catch things that we miss, +while people stand round the ring and titter, and break out with +half-suppressed laughter, and push us ahead, and twitch the corner of our +eye-bandage. After a while we vehemently clutch something with both hands, +and announce to the world our capture; the blindfold is taken from our +eyes, and, amid the shouts of the surrounding spectators, we find we have, +after all, caught the wrong thing. What is that but "blind-man's buff" over +again? + +You say, "Jenny and Harry, go to bed. It seems so silly for you to sit +there making two parallel lines perpendicular, and two parallel lines +horizontal, and filling up the blanks with crosses and o's, and then crying +out 'tick-tack-to.'" My dear man, you are doing every day in business just +what your children are doing in the nursery. You find it hard to get things +into a line. You have started out for worldly success. You get one or two +things fixed but that is not what you want. After a while you have had two +fine successes. You say, "If I can have a third success, I will come out +ahead." But somebody is busy on the same slate, trying to hinder you +getting the game. You mark; he marks. I think you will win. To the first +and second success which you have already gained you add the third, for +which you have long been seeking. The game is yours, and you clap your +hands, and hunch your opponent in the side, and shout, + + "Tick-tack-to, + Three in a row." + +The funniest play that I ever joined in at school, and one that sets me +a-laughing now as I think of it so I can hardly write, is "leap-frog." It +is unartistic and homely. It is so humiliating to the boy who bends himself +over and puts his hands down on his knees, and it is so perilous to the boy +who, placing his hands on the stooped shoulders, attempts to fly over. But +I always preferred the risk of the one who attempted the leap rather than +the humiliation of the one who consented to be vaulted over. It was often +the case that we both failed in our part and we went down together. For +this Jack Snyder carried a grudge against me and would not speak, because +he said I pushed him down a-purpose. But I hope he has forgiven me by this +time, for he has been out as a missionary. Indeed, if Jack will come this +way, I will right the wrong of olden time by stooping down in my study and +letting him spring over me as my children do. + +Almost every autumn I see that old-time schoolboy feat repeated. Mr. +So-and-so says, "You make me governor and I will see that you get to be +senator. Make me mayor and I will see that you become assessor. Get me the +office of street-sweeper and you shall have one of the brooms. You stoop +down and let me jump over you, and then I will stoop down and let you jump +over me. Elect me deacon and you shall be trustee. You write a good thing +about me and I will write a good thing about you." The day of election in +Church or State arrives. A man once very upright in his principles and +policy begins to bend. You cannot understand it. He goes down lower and +lower, until he gets his hands away down on his knees. Then a spry +politician or ecclesiastic comes up behind him, puts his hand on the bowed +strategist and springs clear over into some great position. Good thing to +have so good a man in a prominent place. But after a while he himself +begins to bend. Everybody says, "What is the matter now? It cannot be +possible that he is going down too." Oh yes! Turn-about is fair play. Jack +Snyder holds it against me to this day, because, after he had stooped down +to let me leap over him, I would not stoop down to let him leap over me. +One half the strange things in Church and State may be accounted for by the +fact that, ever since Adam bowed down so low as to let the race, putting +its hands on him, fly over into ruin, there has been a universal and +perpetual tendency to political and ecclesiastical "leap-frog." In one +sense, life is a great "game of ball." We all choose sides and gather into +denominational and political parties. We take our places on the ball +ground. Some are to pitch; they are the radicals. Some are to catch; they +are the conservatives. Some are to strike; they are those fond of polemics +and battle. Some are to run; they are the candidates. There are four +hunks--youth, manhood, old age and death. Some one takes the bat, lifts it +and strikes for the prize and misses it, while the man who was behind +catches it and goes in. This man takes his turn at the bat, sees the flying +ball of success, takes good aim and strikes it high, amid the clapping of +all the spectators. We all have a chance at the ball. Some of us run to all +the four hunks, from youth to manhood, from manhood to old age, from old +age to death. At the first hunk we bound with uncontrollable mirth; coming +to the second, we run with a slower but stronger tread; coming to the +third, our step is feeble; coming to the fourth, our breath entirely gives +out. We throw down the bat on the black hunk of death, and in the evening +catchers and pitchers go home to find the family gathered and the food +prepared. So may we all find the candles lighted, and the table set, and +the old folks at home. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE FULL-BLOODED COW. + + +We never had any one drop in about six o'clock p.m. whom we were more glad +to see than Fielding, the Orange County farmer. In the first place, he +always had a good appetite, and it did not make much difference what we had +to eat. He would not nibble about the end of a piece of bread, undecided as +to whether he had better take it, nor sit sipping his tea as though the +doctor had ordered him to take only ten drops at a time, mixed with a +little sugar and hot water. Perpetual contact with fresh air and the fields +and the mountains gave him a healthy body, while the religion that he +learned in the little church down by the mill-dam kept him in healthy +spirits. Fielding keeps a great drove of cattle and has an overflowing +dairy. As we handed him the cheese he said, "I really believe this is of my +own making." "Fielding," I inquired, "how does your dairy thrive, and have +you any new stock on your farm? Come give us a little touch of the +country." He gave me a mischievous look and said, "I will not tell you a +word until you let me know all about that full-blooded cow, of which I have +heard something. You need not try to hide that story any longer." So we +yielded to his coaxing. It was about like this: + +The man had not been able to pay his debts. The mortgage on the farm had +been foreclosed. Day of sale had come. The sheriff stood on a box reading +the terms of vendue. All payments to be made in six months. The auctioneer +took his place. The old man and his wife and the children all cried as the +piano, and the chairs, and the pictures, and the carpets, and the bedsteads +went at half their worth. When the piano went, it seemed to the old people +as if the sheriff were selling all the fingers that had ever played on it; +and when the carpets were struck off, I think father and mother thought of +the little feet that had tramped it; and when the bedstead was sold, it +brought to mind the bright, curly heads that had slept on it long before +the dark days had come, and father had put his name on the back of a note, +signing his own death warrant. The next thing to being buried alive is to +have the sheriff sell you out when you have been honest and have tried +always to do right. There are so many envious ones to chuckle at your fall, +and come in to buy your carriage, blessing the Lord that the time has come +for you to walk and for them to ride. + +But to us the auction reached its climax of interest when we went to the +barn. We were spending our summers in the country, and must have a cow. +There were ten or fifteen sukies to be sold. There were reds, and piebalds, +and duns, and browns, and brindles, short horns, long horns, crumpled horns +and no horns. But we marked for our own a cow that was said to be +full-blooded, whether Alderney, or Durham, or Galloway, or Ayrshire, I will +not tell lest some cattle fancier feel insulted by what I say; and if there +is any grace that I pride myself on, it is prudence and a determination +always to say smooth things. "How much is bid for this magnificent, +full-blooded cow?" cried the auctioneer. "Seventy-five dollars," shouted +some one. I made it eighty. He made it ninety. Somebody else quickly made +it a hundred. After the bids had risen to one hundred and twenty-five +dollars, I got animated, and resolved that I would have that cow if it +took my last cent. "One hundred and forty dollars," shouted my opponent. +The auctioneer said it was the finest cow he had ever sold; and not knowing +much about vendues, of course I believed him. It was a good deal of money +for a minister to pay, but then I could get the whole matter off my hands +by giving "a note." In utter defiance of everything I cried out, "One +hundred and fifty dollars!" "Going at that," said the auctioneer. "Going at +that! once! twice! three times! gone! Mr. Talmage has it." It was one of +the proudest moments of our life. There she stood, tall, immense in the +girth, horns branching graceful as a tree branch, full-uddered, +silk-coated, pensive-eyed. + +We hired two boys to drive her home while we rode in a carriage. No sooner +had we started than the cow showed what turned out to be one of her +peculiarities, great speed of hoof. She left the boys, outran my horse, +jumped the fence, frightened nearly to death a group of schoolchildren, and +by the time we got home we all felt as if we had all day been put on a +fox-chase. + +We never had any peace with that cow. She knew more tricks than a juggler. +She could let down any bars, open any gate, outrun any dog and ruin the +patience of any minister. We had her a year, and yet she never got over +wanting to go to the vendue. Once started out of the yard, she was bound to +see the sheriff. We coaxed her with carrots, and apples, and cabbage, and +sweetest stalks, and the richest beverage of slops, but without avail. + +As a milker she was a failure. "Mike," who lived just back of our place, +would come in at nights from his "Kerry cow," a scraggly runt that lived on +the commons, with his pail so full he had to carry it cautiously lest it +spill over. But after our full-blooded had been in clover to her eyes all +day, Bridget would go out to the barnyard, and tug and pull for a supply +enough to make two or three custards. I said, "Bridget, you don't know how +to milk. Let me try." I sat down by the cow, tried the full force of +dynamics, but just at the moment when my success was about to be +demonstrated, a sudden thought took her somewhere between the horns, and +she started for the vendue, with one stroke of her back foot upsetting the +small treasure I had accumulated, and leaving me a mere wreck of what I +once was. + +She had, among other bad things, a morbid appetite. Notwithstanding we gave +her the richest herbaceous diet, she ate everything she could put her mouth +on. She was fond of horse blankets and articles of human clothing. I found +her one day at the clothes line, nearly choked to death, for she had +swallowed one leg of something and seemed dissatisfied that she could not +get down the other. The most perfect nuisance that I ever had about my +place was that full-blooded. + +Having read in our agricultural journals of cows that were slaughtered +yielding fourteen hundred pounds neat weight, we concluded to sell her to +the butcher. We set a high price upon her and got it--that is, we took a +note for it, which is the same thing. My bargain with the butcher was the +only successful chapter in my bovine experiences. The only taking-off in +the whole transaction was that the butcher ran away, leaving me nothing but +a specimen of poor chirography, and I already had enough of that among my +manuscripts. + +My friend, never depend on high-breeds. Some of the most useless of cattle +had ancestors spoken of in the "Commentaries of Caesar." That Alderney +whose grandfather used to graze on a lord's park in England may not be +worth the grass she eats. + +Do not depend too much on the high-sounding name of Durham or Devon. As +with animals, so with men. Only one President ever had a President for a +son. Let every cow make her own name, and every man achieve his own +position. It is no great credit to a fool that he had a wise grandfather. +Many an Ayrshire and Hereford has had the hollow-horn and the foot-rot. +Both man and animal are valuable in proportion as they are useful. "Mike's" +cow beat my full-blooded. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE DREGS IN LEATHERBACKS' TEA-CUP. + + +We have an earlier tea this evening than usual, for we have a literary +friend who comes about this time of the week, and he must go home to retire +about eight o'clock. His nervous system is so weak that he must get three +or four hours sleep before midnight; otherwise he is next day so cross and +censorious he scalps every author he can lay his hand on. As he put his +hand on the table with an indelible blot of ink on his thumb and two +fingers, which blot he had not been able to wash off, I said, "Well, my old +friend Leatherbacks, what books have you been reading to-day?" + +He replied, "I have been reading 'Men and Things.' Some books touch only +the head and make us think; other books touch only the heart and make us +feel; here and there one touches us under the fifth rib and makes us laugh; +but the book on 'Men and Things,' by the Rev. Dr. C.S. Henry, touched me +all over. I have felt better ever since. I have not seen the author but +once since the old university days, when he lectured us and pruned us and +advised us and did us more good than almost any other instructor we ever +had. Oh, those were grand days! No better than the present, for life grows +brighter to me all the time; but we shall not forget the quaint, strong, +brusque professor who so unceremoniously smashed things which he did not +like, and shook, the class with merriment or indignation. The widest awake +professorial room in the land was Dr. Henry's, in the New York University. +But the participators in those scenes are all scattered. I know the +whereabouts of but three or four. So we meet for a little while on earth, +and then we separate. There must be a better place somewhere ahead of us. + +"I have also been looking over a book that overhauls the theology and moral +character of Abraham Lincoln. This is the only kind of slander that is +safe. I have read all the stuff for the last three years published about +Abraham Lincoln's unfair courtships and blank infidelity. The protracted +discussion has made only one impression upon me, and that is this: How safe +it is to slander a dead man! You may say what you will in print about him, +he brings no rebutting evidence. I have heard that ghosts do a great many +things, but I never heard of one as printing a book or editing a newspaper +to vindicate himself. Look out how you vilify a living man, for he may +respond with pen, or tongue, or cowhide; but only get a man thoroughly dead +(that is, so certified by the coroner) and have a good, heavy tombstone put +on the top of him, and then you may say what you will with impunity. + +"But I have read somewhere in an old book that there is a day coming when +all wrongs will be righted; and I should not wonder if then the dead were +vindicated, and all the swine who have uprooted graveyards should, like +their ancestors of Gadara, run down a steep place into the sea and get +choked. The fact that there are now alive men so debauched of mind and soul +that they rejoice in mauling the reputation of those who spent their lives +in illustrious achievement for God and their country, and then died as +martyrs for their principles, makes me believe in eternal damnation." + +With this last sentence my friend Leatherbacks gave a violent gesture that +upset his cup and left the table-cloth sopping wet. + +"By the way," said he, "have you heard that Odger is coming?" + +"What!" said I. He continued without looking up, for he was at that moment +running his knife, not over-sharp, through a lamb-chop made out of old +sheep. (Wife, we will have to change our butcher!) He continued with a +severity perhaps partly caused by the obstinacy of the meat: "I see in the +'Pall-Mall Budget' the startling intelligence that Mr. Odger is coming to +the United States on a lecturing expedition. Our American newspapers do not +seem, as yet, to have got hold of this news, but the tidings will soon fly, +and great excitement may be expected to follow." + +Some unwise person might ask the foolish question, "Who is Odger?" I hope, +however, that such inquiry will not be made, for I would be compelled to +say that I do not know. Whether he is a clergyman or a reformer, or an +author, or all these in one, we cannot say. Suffice it he is a foreigner, +and that is enough to make us all go wild. A foreigner does not need more +than half as much brain or heart to do twice as well as an American, either +at preaching or lecturing. There is for many Americans a bewitchment in a +foreign brogue. I do not know but that he may have dined with the queen, or +have a few drops of lordly blood distributed through his arteries. + +I notice, however, that much of this charm has been broken. I used to think +that all English lords were talented, till I heard one of them make the +only poor speech that was made at the opening meeting of the Evangelical +Alliance. Our lecturing committees would not pay very large prices next +year for Mr. Bradlaugh and Edmund Yates. Indeed, we expect that the time +will soon come when the same kind of balances will weigh Englishmen, +Scotchmen, Irishmen, Frenchmen and Americans. + +If a man can do anything well, he will be acceptable without reference to +whether he was born by the Clyde, the Thames, the Seine, or the Hudson. But +until those scales be lifted it is sufficient to announce the joyful +tidings that "Odger is coming." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE HOT AXLE. + + +The express train was flying from Cork to Queenstown. It was going like +sixty--that is, about sixty miles an hour. No sight of an Irish village to +arrest our speed, no sign of break-down, and yet the train halted. We +looked out of the window, saw the brakemen and a crowd of passengers +gathering around the locomotive and a dense smoke arising. What was the +matter? A hot axle! + +We were on the lightning train for Cleveland. We had no time to spare. If +we stopped for a half hour we should be greeted by the anathema of a +lecturing committee. We felt a sort of presentiment that we should be too +late, when to confirm it the whistle blew, and the brakes fell, and the cry +all along the train was, "What is the matter?" Answer: "A hot axle!" The +wheels had been making too many revolutions in a minute. The car was on +fire. It was a very difficult thing to put it out; water, sand and swabs +were tried, and caused long detention and a smoke that threatened flame +down to the end of the journey. + +We thought then, and think now, this is what is the matter with people +everywhere. In this swift, "express," American life, we go too fast for our +endurance. We think ourselves getting on splendidly, when in the midst of +our successes we come to a dead halt. What is the matter? Nerves or muscles +or brains give out. We have made too many revolutions in an hour. A hot +axle! + +Men make the mistake of working according to their opportunities, and not +according to their capacity of endurance. "Can I run this train from +Springfield to Boston at the rate of fifty miles an hour?" says an +engineer. Yes. "Then I will run it reckless of consequences." Can I be a +merchant, and the president of a bank, and a director in a life insurance +company, and a school commissioner, and help edit a paper, and supervise +the politics of our ward, and run for Congress? "I can!" the man says to +himself. The store drives him; the school drives him; politics drive him. +He takes all the scoldings and frets and exasperations of each position. +Some day at the height of the business season he does not come to the +store; from the most important meetings of the bank directors he is absent. +In the excitements of the political canvass he fails to be at the place +appointed. What is the matter? His health has broken down. The train halts +long before it gets to the station. A hot axle! + +Literary men have great opportunities opening in this day. If they take all +that open, they are dead men, or worse, living men who ought to be dead. +The pen runs so easy when you have good ink, and smooth paper, and an easy +desk to write on, and the consciousness of an audience of one, two or three +hundred thousand readers. There are the religious newspapers through which +you preach, and the musical journals through which you may sing, and the +agricultural periodicals through which you can plough, and family +newspapers in which you may romp with the whole household around the +evening stand. There are critiques to be written, and reviews to be +indulged in, and poems to be chimed, and novels to be constructed. When out +of a man's pen he can shake recreation, and friendship, and usefulness, +and bread, he is apt to keep it shaking. So great are the invitations to +literary work that the professional men of the day are overcome. They sit +faint and fagged out on the verge of newspapers and books. Each one does +the work of three, and these men sit up late nights, and choke down chunks +of meat without mastication, and scold their wives through irritability, +and maul innocent authors, and run the physical machinery with a liver +miserably given out. The driving shaft has gone fifty times a second. They +stop at no station. The steam-chest is hot and swollen. The brain and the +digestion begin to smoke. Stop, ye flying quills! "Down brakes!" A hot +axle! + +Some of the worst tempered people of the day are religious people, from the +fact that they have no rest. Added to the necessary work of the world, they +superintend two Sunday-schools, listen to two sermons, and every night have +meetings of charitable and Christian institutions. They look after the +beggars, hold conventions, speak at meetings, wait on ministers, serve as +committeemen, take all the hypercriticisms that inevitably come to earnest +workers, rush up and down the world and develop their hearts at the expense +of all the other functions. They are the best men on earth, and Satan knows +it, and is trying to kill them as fast as possible. They know not that it +is as much a duty to take care of their health as to go to the sacrament. +It is as much a sin to commit suicide with the sword of truth as with a +pistol. + +Our earthly life is a treasure to be guarded, it is an outrageous thing to +die when we ought to live. There is no use in firing up a Cunarder to such +a speed that the boiler bursts mid-Atlantic, when at a more moderate rate +it might have reached the docks at Liverpool. It is a sin to try to do the +work of thirty years in five years. + +A Rocky Mountain locomotive engineer told us that at certain places they +change locomotives and let the machine rest, as a locomotive always kept in +full heat soon got out of order. Our advice to all overworked good people +is, "Slow up!" Slacken your speed as you come to the crossings. All your +faculties for work at this rate will be consumed. You are on fire now--see +the premonitory smoke. A hot axle! + +Some of our young people have read till they are crazed of learned +blacksmiths who at the forge conquered thirty languages, and of shoemakers +who, pounding sole-leather, got to be philosophers, and of milliners who, +while their customers were at the glass trying on their spring hats, wrote +a volume of first-rate poems. The fact is no blacksmith ought to be +troubled with more than five languages; and instead of shoemakers becoming +philosophers, we would like to turn our surplus of philosophers into +shoemakers; and the supply of poetry is so much greater than the demand +that we wish milliners would stick to their business. Extraordinary +examples of work and endurance may do as much harm as good. Because +Napoleon slept only three hours a night, hundreds of students have tried +the experiment; but instead of Austerlitz and Saragossa, there came of it +only a sick headache and a botch of a recitation. We are told of how many +books a man can read in the five spare minutes before breakfast, and the +ten minutes at noon, but I wish some one could tell us how much rest a man +can get in fifteen minutes after dinner, or how much health in an hour's +horseback ride, or how much fun in a Saturday afternoon of cricket. He who +has such an idea of the value of time that he takes none of it for rest +wastes all his time. + +Most Americans do not take time for sufficient sleep. We account for our +own extraordinary health by the fact that we are fanatics on the subject of +sleep. We differ from our friend Napoleon Bonaparte in one respect: we want +nine hours' sleep, and we take it--eight hours at night and one hour in the +day. If we miss our allowance one week, as we often do, we make it up the +next week or the next month. We have sometimes been twenty-one hours in +arrearages. We formerly kept a memorandum of the hours for sleep lost. We +pursued those hours till we caught them. If at the beginning of our summer +vacation we are many hours behind in slumber, we go down to the sea-shore +or among the mountains and sleep a month. If the world abuses us at any +time, we go and take an extra sleep; and when we wake up, all the world is +smiling on us. If we come to a knotty point in our discourse, we take a +sleep; and when we open our eyes, the opaque has become transparent. We +split every day in two by a nap in the afternoon. Going to take that +somniferous interstice, we say to the servants, "Do not call me for +anything. If the house takes fire, first get the children out and my +private papers; and when the roof begins to fall in call me." Through such +fanaticism we have thus far escaped the hot axle. + +Somebody ought to be congratulated--I do not know who, and so I will shake +hands all around--on the fact that the health of the country seems +improving. Whether Dio Lewis, with his gymnastic clubs, has pounded to +death American sickness, or whether the coming here of many English ladies +with their magnificent pedestrian habits, or whether the medicines in the +apothecary shops through much adulteration have lost their force, or +whether the multiplication of bathtubs has induced to cleanliness people +who were never washed but once, and that just after their arrival on this +planet, I cannot say. But sure I am that I never saw so many bright, +healthy-faced people as of late. + +Our maidens have lost the languor they once cultivated, and walk the street +with stout step, and swing the croquet mallet with a force that sends the +ball through two arches, cracking the opposing ball with great emphasis. +Our daughters are not ashamed to culture flower beds, and while they plant +the rose in the ground a corresponding rose blooms in their own cheek. + +But we need another proclamation of emancipation. The human locomotive goes +too fast. Cylinder, driving-boxes, rock-shaft, truck and valve-gear need to +"slow up." Oh! that some strong hand would unloose the burdens from our +over-tasked American life, that there might be fewer bent shoulders, and +pale cheeks, and exhausted lungs, and quenched eyes, the law, and medicine, +and theology less frequently stopped in their glorious progress, because of +the hot axle! + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +BEEFSTEAK FOR MINISTERS. + + +There have been lately several elaborate articles remarking upon what they +call the lack of force and fire in the clergy. The world wonders that, with +such a rousing theme as the gospel, and with such a grand work as saving +souls, the ministry should ever be nerveless. Some ascribe it to lack of +piety, and some to timidity of temperament. We believe that in a great +number of cases it is from the lack of nourishing food. Many of the +clerical brotherhood are on low diet. After jackets and sacks have been +provided for the eight or ten children of the parsonage, the father and +mother must watch the table with severest economy. Coming in suddenly upon +the dinner-hour of the country clergyman, the housewife apologizes for what +she calls "a picked-up" dinner, when, alas! it is nearly always picked up. + +Congregations sometimes mourn over dull preaching when themselves are to +blame. Give your minister more beefsteak and he will have more fire. Next +to the divine unction, the minister needs blood; and he cannot make that +out of tough leather. One reason why the apostles preached so powerfully +was that they had healthy food. Fish was cheap along Galilee, and this, +with unbolted bread, gave them plenty of phosphorus for brain food. These +early ministers were never invited out to late suppers, with chicken salad +and doughnuts. Nobody ever embroidered slippers for the big foot of Simon +Peter, the fisherman preacher. Tea parties, with hot waffles, at ten +o'clock at night, make namby-pamby ministers; but good hours and +substantial diet, that furnish nitrates for the muscles, and phosphates for +the brain, and carbonates for the whole frame, prepare a man for effective +work. When the water is low, the mill-wheel goes slow; but a full race, and +how fast the grists are ground! In a man the arteries are the mill-race and +the brain the wheel, and the practical work of life is the grist ground. +The reason our soldiers failed in some of the battles was because their +stomachs had for several days been innocent of everything but "hard tack." +See that your minister has a full haversack. Feed him on gruel during the +week and on Sunday he will give you gruel. What is called the "parson's +nose" in a turkey or fowl is an allegory setting forth that in many +communities the minister comes out behind. + +Eight hundred or a thousand dollars for a minister is only a slow way of +killing him, and is the worst style of homicide. Why do not the trustees +and elders take a mallet or an axe, and with one blow put him out of his +misery? The damage begins in the college boarding house. The theological +student has generally small means, and he must go to a cheap boarding +house. A frail piece of sausage trying to swim across a river of gravy on +the breakfast plate, but drowned at last, "the linked sweetness long drawn +out" of flies in the molasses cup, the gristle of a tough ox, and measly +biscuit, and buckwheat cakes tough as the cook's apron, and old peas in +which the bugs lost their life before they had time to escape from the +saucepan, and stale cucumbers cut up into small slices of cholera +morbus,--are the provender out of which we are trying at Princeton and Yale +and New Brunswick to make sons of thunder. Sons of mush! From such +depletion we step gasping into the pulpit, and look so heavenly pale that +the mothers in Israel are afraid we will evaporate before we get through +our first sermon. + +Many of our best young men in preparation for the ministry are going +through this martyrdom. The strongest mind in our theological class +perished, the doctors said afterward from lack of food. The only time he +could afford a doctor was for his post-mortem examination. + +I give the financial condition of many of our young theological students +when I say: + + Income $250 00 + Outgo: + Board at $3 per week (cheap place) 156 00 + Clothing (shoddy) 100 00 + Books (no morocco) 25 00 + Traveling expenses 20 00 + + Total $301 00 + +Here you see a deficit of fifty-one dollars. As there are no "stealings" in +a theological seminary, he makes up the balance by selling books or +teaching school. He comes into life cowed down, with a patch on both knees +and several other places, and a hat that has been "done over" four or five +times, and so weak that the first sharp wind that whistles round the corner +blows him into glory. The inertness you complain of in the ministry starts +early. Do you suppose that if Paul had spent seven years in a cheap +boarding house, and the years after in a poorly-supplied parsonage, he +would have made Felix tremble? No! The first glance of the Roman procurator +would have made him apologize for intrusion. + +Do not think that all your eight-hundred-dollar minister needs is a +Christmas present of an elegantly-bound copy of "Calvin's Institutes." He +is sound already on the doctrine of election, and it is a poor consolation +if in this way you remind him that he has been foreordained to starve to +death. Keep your minister on artichokes and purslain, and he will be fit to +preach nothing but funeral sermons from the text "All flesh is grass." +While feeling most of all our need of the life that comes from above, let +us not ignore the fact that many of the clergy to-day need more gymnastics, +more fresh air, more nutritious food. Prayer cannot do the work of +beefsteak. You cannot keep a hot fire in the furnace with poor fuel and the +damper turned. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN OLD PAIR OF SCISSORS. + + +I was born in Sheffield, England, at the close of the last century, and +was, like all those who study Brown's Shorter Catechism, made out of dust. +My father was killed at Herculaneum at the time of the accident there, and +buried with other scissors and knives and hooks and swords. On my mother's +side I am descended from a pair of shears that came to England during the +Roman invasion. My cousin hung to the belt of a duchess. My uncle belonged +to Hampton Court, and used to trim the king's hair. I came to the United +States while the grandfathers of the present generation of children were +boys. + +When I was young I was a gay fellow--indeed, what might have been called "a +perfect blade." I look old and rusty hanging here on the nail, but take me +down, and though my voice is a little squeaky with old age, I can tell you +a pretty tale. I am sharper than I look. Old scissors know more than you +think. They say I am a little garrulous, and perhaps I may tell things I +ought not. + +I helped your grandmother prepare for her wedding. I cut out and fitted all +the apparel of that happy day. I hear her scold the young folks now for +being so dressy, but I can tell you she was once that way herself. Did not +I, sixty years ago, lie on the shelf and laugh as I saw her stand by the +half hour before the glass, giving an extra twist to her curl and an +additional dash of white powder on her hair--now fretted because the +powder was too thick, now fretted because it was too thin? She was as proud +in cambric and calico and nankeen as Harriet is to-day in white tulle and +organdy. I remember how careful she was when she ran me along the edges of +the new dress. With me she clipped and notched and gored and trimmed, and +day and night I went click! click! click! and it seemed as if she would +never let me rest from cutting. + +I split the rags for the first carpet on the old homestead, and what a +merry time we had when the neighbors came to "the quilting!" I lay on the +coverlet that was stretched across the quilting-frame and heard all the +gossip of 1799. Reputations were ripped and torn just as they are now. +Fashions were chattered about, the coalscuttle bonnet of some offensive +neighbor (who was not invited to the quilting) was criticised, and the +suspicion started that she laced too tight; and an old man who happened to +have the best farm in the county was overhauled for the size of his +knee-buckles, and the exorbitant ruffles on his shirt, and the costly silk +lace to his hat. I lay so still that no one supposed I was listening. I +trembled on the coverlet with rage and wished that I could clip the end of +their tattling tongues, but found no chance for revenge, till, in the hand +of a careless neighbor, I notched and nearly spoiled the patch-work. + +Yes, I am a pair of old scissors. I cut out many a profile of old-time +faces, and the white dimity bed curtains. I lay on the stand when your +grandparents were courting--for that had to be done then as well as +now--and it was the same story of chairs wide apart, and chairs coming +nearer, and arm over the back of the chair, and late hours, and four or +five gettings up to go with the determination to stay, protracted +interviews on the front steps, blushes and kisses. Your great-grandmother, +out of patience at the lateness of the hour, shouted over the banister to +your immediate grandmother, "Mary! come to bed!" Because the old people sit +in the corner looking so very grave, do not suppose their eyes were never +roguish, nor their lips ruby, nor their hair flaxen, nor their feet spry, +nor that they always retired at half-past eight o'clock at night. After a +while, I, the scissors, was laid on the shelf, and finally thrown into a +box among nails and screws and files. Years of darkness and disgrace for a +scissors so highly born as I. But one day I was hauled out. A bell tinkled +in the street. An Italian scissors-grinder wanted a job. I was put upon the +stone, and the grinder put his foot upon the treadle, and the bands pulled, +and the wheel sped, and the fire flew, and it seemed as if, in the heat and +pressure and agony, I should die. I was ground, and rubbed, and oiled, and +polished, till I glittered in the sun; and one day, when young Harriet was +preparing for the season, I plunged into the fray. I almost lost my senses +among the ribbons, and flew up and down among the flounces, and went mad +amongst the basques. I move round as gay as when I was young; and modern +scissors, with their stumpy ends, and loose pivots, and weak blades, and +glaring bows, and course shanks, are stupid beside an old family piece like +me. You would be surprised how spry I am flying around the sewing-room, +cutting corsage into heart-shape, and slitting a place for button holes, +and making double-breasted jackets, and hollowing scallops, and putting the +last touches on velvet arabesques and Worth overskirts. I feel almost as +well at eighty years of age as at ten, and I lie down to sleep at night +amid all the fineries of the wardrobe, on olive-green cashmere, and beside +pannier puffs, and pillowed on feathers of ostrich. + +Oh! what a gay life the scissors live! I may lie on gayest lady's lap, and +little children like me better than almost anything else to play with. The +trembling octogenarian takes me by the hand, and the rollicking +four-year-old puts on me his dimpled fingers. Mine are the children's curls +and the bride's veil. I am welcomed to the Christmas tree, and the +sewing-machine, and the editor's table. I have cut my way through the ages. +Beside pen, and sword, and needle, I dare to stand anywhere, indispensable +to the race, the world-renowned scissors! + +But I had a sad mission once. The bell tolled in the New England village +because a soul had passed. I sat up all the night cutting the pattern for a +shroud. Oh, it was gloomy work. There was wailing in the house, but I could +not stop to mourn. I had often made the swaddling-clothes for a child, but +that was the only time I fashioned a robe for the grave. To fit it around +the little neck, and make the sleeves just long enough for the quiet +arms--it hurt me more than the tilt hammers that smote me in Sheffield, +than the files of the scissors-grinder at the door. I heard heart-strings +snap as I went through the linen, and in the white pleats to be folded over +the still heart I saw the snow banked on a grave. Give me, the old +scissors, fifty bridal dresses to make rather than one shroud to prepare. + +I never recovered from the chill of those dismal days, but at the end of +life I can look back and feel that I have done my work well. Other scissors +have frayed and unraveled the garments they touched, but I have always made +a clean path through the linen or the damask I was called to divide. Others +screeched complainingly at their toil; I smoothly worked my jaws. Many of +the fingers that wrought with me have ceased to open and shut, and my own +time will soon come to die, and I shall be buried in a grave of rust amid +cast-off tenpenny nails and horse-shoes. But I have stayed long enough to +testify, first, that these days are no worse than the old ones, the +granddaughter now no more proud than the grandmother was; secondly, that we +all need to be hammered and ground in order to take off the rust; and +thirdly, that an old scissors, as well as an old man, may be scoured up and +made practically useful. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +A LIE, ZOOLOGICALLY CONSIDERED. + + +We stand agape in the British Museum, looking at the monstrous skeletons of +the mastodon, megatherium and iguanodon, and conclude that all the great +animals thirty feet long and eleven feet high are extinct. + +Now, while we do not want to frighten children or disturb nervous people, +we have to say that the other day we caught a glimpse of a monster beside +which the lizards of the saurian era were short, and the elephants of the +mammalian period were insignificant. We saw it in full spring, and on the +track of its prey. Children would call the creature "a fib;" rough persons +would term it "a whopper;" polite folks would say it was "a fabrication;" +but plain and unscientific people would style it "a lie." Naturalists might +assign it to the species "Tigris regalis," or "Felis pardus." + +We do not think that anatomical and zoological justice has been done to the +lie. It is to be found in all zones. Livingstone saw it in Central Africa; +Dr. Kane found it on an iceberg beside a polar bear; Agassiz discovered it +in Brazil. It thrives about as well in one clime as another, with perhaps a +little preference for the temperate zone. It lives on berries, or bananas, +or corn, grapes, or artichokes; drinks water, or alcohol, or tea. It eats +up a great many children, and would have destroyed the boy who afterward +became the father of his country had he not driven it back with his +hatchet. (See the last two hundred Sunday-school addresses.) + +The first peculiarity of this Tigris regalis or Felis pardus, commonly +called a lie, is its + +LONGEVITY. + +If it once get born, it lives on almost interminably. Sometimes it has +followed a man for ten, twenty or forty years, and has been as healthy in +its last leap as in the first. It has run at every president from General +Washington to General Grant, and helped kill Horace Greeley. It has barked +at every good man since Adam, and every good woman since Eve, and every +good boy since Abel, and every good cow since Pharaoh's lean kine. Malarias +do not poison it, nor fires burn it, nor winters freeze it. Just now it is +after your neighbor; to-morrow it will be after you. It is the healthiest +of all monsters. Its tooth knocks out the "tooth of time." Its hair never +turns white with age, nor does it limp with decrepitude. It is +distinguished for its longevity. + + +THE LENGTH OF ITS LEGS. + +It keeps up with the express train, and is present at the opening and the +shutting of the mailbags. It takes a morning run from New York to San +Francisco or over to London before breakfast. It can go a thousand miles at +a jump. It would despise seven-league boots as tedious. A telegraph pole is +just knee-high to this monster, and from that you can judge its speed of +locomotion. It never gets out of wind, carries a bag of reputations made up +in cold hash, so that it does not have to stop for victuals. It goes so +fast that sometimes five million people have seen it the same morning. + + +KEENNESS OF NOSTRIL. + +It can smell a moral imperfection fifty miles away. The crow has no faculty +compared with this for finding carrion. It has scented something a hundred +miles off, and before night "treed" its game. It has a great genius for +smelling. It can find more than is actually there. When it begins to snuff +the air, you had better look out. It has great length and breadth and +depth, and height of nose. + + +ACUTENESS OF EAR. + +The rabbit has no such power to listen as this creature we speak of. It +hears all the sounds that come from five thousand keyholes. It catches a +whisper from the other side the room, and can understand the scratch of a +pen. It has one ear open toward the east and the other toward the west, and +hears everything in both directions. All the tittle-tattle of the world +pours into those ears like vinegar through a funnel. They are always up and +open, and to them a meeting of the sewing society is a jubilee and a +political campaign is heaven. + + +SIZE OF THROAT. + +The snake has hard work to choke down a toad, and the crocodile has a +mighty struggle to take in the calf; but the monster of which I speak can +swallow anything. It has a throat bigger than the whale that took down the +minister who declined the call to Nineveh, and has swallowed whole +presbyteries and conferences of clergymen. A Brobdingnagian goes down as +easily as a Liliputian. The largest story about business dishonor, or +female frailty, or political deception, slips through with the ease of a +homoeopathic pellet. Its throat is sufficient for anything round, or +square, or angular, or octagonal. + +Nothing in all the earth is too big for its mastication and digestion save +the truth, and that will stick in its gullet. + +IT IS GREGARIOUS. + +It goes in a flock with others of its kind. If one takes after a man or +woman, there are at least ten in its company. As soon as anything bad is +charged against a man, there are many others who know things just as +deleterious. Lies about himself, lies about his wife, lies about his +children, lies about his associates, lies about his house, lies about his +barn, lies about his store--swarms of them, broods of them, herds of them. +Kill one of them, and there will be twelve alive to act as its +pall-bearers, another to preach its funeral sermon, and still another to +write its obituary. + +These monsters beat all the extinct species. They are white, spotted and +black. They have a sleek hide, a sharp claw and a sting in their tail. They +prowl through every street of the city, craunch in the restaurants, sleep +in the hall of Congress, and in grandest parlor have one paw under the +piano, another under the sofa, one by the mantel and the other on the +door-sill. + +Now, many people spend half their time in hunting lies. You see a man +rushing anxiously about to correct a newspaper paragraph, or a husband, +with fist clenched, on the way to pound some one who has told a false thing +about his wife. There is a woman on the next street who heard, last Monday, +a falsehood about her husband, and has had her hat and shawl on ever since +in the effort to correct wrong impressions. Our object in this zoological +sketch of a lie is to persuade you of the folly of such a hunting +excursion. If these monsters have such long legs, and go a hundred miles at +a jump, you might as well give up the chase. If they have such keenness of +nostril, they can smell you across the State, and get out of your way. If +they have such long ears, they can hear the hunter's first step in the +woods. If they have such great throats, they can swallow you at a gape. If +they are gregarious, while you shoot one, forty will run upon you like mad +buffaloes, and trample you to death. Arrows bound back from their thick +hide; and as for gunpowder, they use it regularly for pinches of snuff. +After a shower of bullets has struck their side, they lift their hind foot +to scratch the place, supposing a black fly has been biting. Henry the +Eighth, in a hawking party, on foot, attempted to leap a ditch in +Hertfordshire, and with his immense avoirdupois weight went splashing into +the mud and slime, and was hauled out by his footman half dead. And that is +the fate of men who spend their time hunting for lies. Better go to your +work, and let the lies run. Their bloody muzzles have tough work with a man +usefully busy. You cannot so easily overcome them with sharp retort as with +adze and yardstick. All the howlings of Californian wolves at night do not +stop the sun from kindling victorious morn on the Sierra Nevadas, and all +the ravenings of defamation and revenge cannot hinder the resplendent dawn +of heaven on a righteous soul. + +But they who spend their time in trying to lasso and decapitate a lie will +come back worsted, as did the English cockneys from a fox chase described +in the poem entitled "Pills to Purge Melancholy:" + + "And when they had done their sport, they came to London, where they dwell, + Their faces all so torn and scratched their wives scarce knew them well; + For 'twas a very great mercy so many 'scaped alive, + For of twenty saddles carried out, they brought again but five." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +A BREATH OF ENGLISH AIR. + + +My friend looked white as the wall, flung the "London Times" half across +the room, kicked one slipper into the air and shouted, "Talmage, where on +earth did you come from?" as one summer I stepped into his English home. +"Just come over the ferry to dine with you," I responded. After some +explanation about the health of my family, which demanded a sea voyage, and +thus necessitated my coming, we planned two or three excursions. + +At eight o'clock in the morning we gathered in the parlor in the Red Horse +Hotel, at Stratford-on-Avon. Two pictures of Washington Irving, the chair +in which the father of American literature sat, and the table on which he +wrote, immortalizing his visit to that hotel, adorn the room. From thence +we sallied forth to see the clean, quaint village of Stratford. It was +built just to have Shakspeare born in. We have not heard that there was any +one else ever born there, before or since. If, by any strange possibility, +it could be proved that the great dramatist was born anywhere else, it +would ruin all the cab drivers, guides and hostelries of the place. + +We went of course to the house where Shakspeare first appeared on the stage +of life, and enacted the first act of his first play. Scene the first. +Enter John Shakspeare, the father; Mrs. Shakspeare, the mother, and the old +nurse, with young William. + +A very plain house it is. Like the lark, which soars highest, but builds +its nest lowest, so with genius; it has humble beginnings. I think ten +thousand dollars would be a large appraisement for all the houses where the +great poets were born. But all the world comes to this lowly dwelling. +Walter Scott was glad to scratch his name on the window, and you may see it +now. Charles Dickens, Edmund Kean, Albert Smith, Mark Lemon and Tennyson, +so very sparing of their autographs, have left their signatures on the +wall. There are the jambs of the old fire-place where the poet warmed +himself and combed wool, and began to think for all time. Here is the chair +in which he sat while presiding at the club, forming habits of drink which +killed him at the last, his own life ending in a tragedy as terrible as any +he ever wrote. Exeunt wine-bibbers, topers, grogshop keepers, Drayton, Ben +Jonson and William Shakspeare. Here also is the letter which Richard Quyney +sent to Shakspeare, asking to borrow thirty pounds. I hope he did not loan +it; for if he did, it was a dead loss. + +We went to the church where the poet is buried. It dates back seven hundred +years, but has been often restored. It has many pictures, and is the +sleeping place of many distinguished dead; but one tomb within the chancel +absorbs all the attention of the stranger. For hundreds of years the world +has looked upon the unadorned stone lying flat over the dust of William +Shakspeare, and read the epitaph written by himself: + + "Good friend, for Jesus' sake forbeare + To dig the dust enclosed here; + Bleste be ye man yt spares these stones, + And curst be he that moves my bones." + +Under such anathema the body has slept securely. A sexton once looked in at +the bones, but did not dare to touch them, lest his "quietus" should be +made with a bare bodkin. + +From the church door we mounted our carriage; and crossing the Avon on a +bridge which the lord mayor of London built four hundred years ago, we +start on one of the most memorable rides of our life. The country looked +fresh and luxuriant from recent rains. The close-trimmed hedges, the sleek +cattle, the snug cottages, the straggling villages with their historic +inns, the castle from whose park Shakspeare stole the deer, the gate called +"Shakspeare's stile," curious in the fact that it looks like ordinary bars +of fence, but as you attempt to climb over, the whole thing gives way, and +lets you fall flat, righting itself as soon as it is unburdened of you; the +rabbits darting along the hedges, undisturbed, because it is unlawful, save +for licensed hunters, to shoot, and then not on private property; the +perfect weather, the blue sky, the exhilarating breeze, the glorious elms +and oaks by the way,--make it a day that will live when most other days are +dead. + +At two o'clock we came in sight of Kenilworth Castle. Oh, this is the place +to stir the blood. It is the king of ruins. Warwick is nothing; Melrose is +nothing, compared with it. A thousand great facts look out through the +broken windows. Earls and kings and queens sit along the shattered sides of +the banqueting halls. The stairs are worn deep with the feet that have +clambered them for eight hundred years. As a loving daughter arranges the +dress of an old man, so every season throws a thick mantle of ivy over the +mouldering wall. The roof that caught and echoed back the merriment of dead +ages has perished. Time has struck his chisel into every inch of the +structure. By the payment of only three-pence you find access to places +where only the titled were once permitted to walk. You go in, and are +overwhelmed with the thoughts of past glory and present decay. These halls +were promenaded by Richard Coeur de Lion; in this chapel burned the tomb +lights over the grave of Geoffrey de Clinton; in these dungeons kings +groaned; in these doorways duchesses fainted. Scene of gold, and silver, +and scroll work, and chiseled arch, and mosaic. Here were heard the +carousals of the Round Table; from those very stables the caparisoned +horses came prancing out for the tournament; through that gateway strong, +weak, heroic, mean, splendid, Queen Elizabeth advanced to the castle, while +the waters of the lake gleamed under torchlights, and the battlements were +aflame with rockets; and cornet, and hautboy, and trumpet poured their +music on the air; and goddesses glided out from the groves to meet her; and +from turret to foundation Kenilworth trembled under a cannonade, and for +seventeen days, at a cost of five thousand dollars a day, the festival was +kept. Four hundred servants standing in costly livery; sham battles between +knights on horseback; jugglers tumbling on the grass; thirteen bears baited +for the amusement of the guests; three hundred and twenty hogsheads of beer +consumed, till all Europe applauded, denounced and stood amazed. + +Where is the glory now? What has become of the velvet? Who wears the +jewels? Would Amy Robsart have so longed to get into the castle had she +known its coming ruin? Where are those who were waited on, and those who +waited? What has become of Elizabeth, the visitor, and Robert Dudley, the +visited? Cromwell's men dashed upon the scene; they drained the lakes; they +befouled the banquet hall; they dismantled the towers; they turned the +castle into a tomb, on whose scarred and riven sides ambition and cruelty +and lust may well read their doom. "So let all thine enemies perish, O +Lord; but let them that love him be as the sun when he goeth forth in his +might." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +THE MIDNIGHT LECTURE. + + +At eight o'clock precisely, on consecutive nights, we stepped on the +rostrum at Chicago, Zanesville. Indianapolis, Detroit, Jacksonville, +Cleveland and Buffalo. But it seemed that Dayton was to be a failure. We +telegraphed from Indianapolis, "Missed connection. Cannot possibly meet +engagement at Dayton." Telegram came back saying, "Take a locomotive and +come on!" We could not get a locomotive. Another telegram arrived: "Mr. +Gale, the superintendent of railroad, will send you in an extra train. Go +immediately to the depot!" We gathered up our traps from the hotel floor +and sofa, and hurled them at the satchel. They would not go in. We put a +collar in our hat, and the shaving apparatus in our coat pocket; got on the +satchel with both feet, and declared the thing should go shut if it split +everything between Indianapolis and Dayton. Arriving at the depot, the +train was ready. We had a locomotive and one car. There were six of us on +the train--namely, the engineer and stoker on the locomotive; while +following were the conductor, a brakeman at each end of the car, and the +pastor of a heap of ashes on Schermerhorn street, Brooklyn. "When shall we +get to Dayton?" we asked. "Half-past nine o'clock!" responded the +conductor. "Absurd!" we said; "no audience will wait till half-past nine at +night for a lecturer." + +Away we flew. The car, having such a light load, frisked and kicked, and +made merry of a journey that to us was becoming very grave. Going round a +sharp curve at break-neck speed, we felt inclined to suggest to the +conductor that it would make no especial difference if we did not get to +Dayton till a quarter to ten. The night was cold, and the hard ground +thundered and cracked. The bridges, instead of roaring, as is their wont, +had no time to give any more than a grunt as we struck them and passed on. +At times it was so rough we were in doubt as to whether we were on the +track or taking a short cut across the field to get to our destination a +little sooner. The flagmen would hastily open their windows and look at the +screeching train. The whistle blew wildly, not so much to give the villages +warning as to let them know that something terrible had gone through. +Stopped to take in wood and water. A crusty old man crawled out of a depot, +and said to the engineer, "Jim, what on earth is the matter?" "Don't know," +said Jim; "that fellow in the car yonder is bound to get to Dayton, and we +are putting things through." Brakes lifted, bell rung, and off again. Amid +the rush and pitch of the train there was no chance to prepare our toilet, +and no looking-glass, and it was quite certain that we would have to step +from the train immediately into the lecturing hall. We were unfit to be +seen. We were sure our hair was parted in five or six different places, and +that the cinders had put our face in mourning, and that something must be +done. What time we could spare from holding on to the bouncing seat we gave +to our toilet, and the arrangements we made, though far from satisfactory, +satisfied our conscience that we had done what we could. A button broke as +we were fastening our collar--indeed, a button always does break when you +are in a hurry and nobody to sew it on. "How long before we get there?" we +anxiously asked. "I have miscalculated," said the conductor; "we cannot +get there till five minutes of ten o'clock." "My dear man," I cried, "you +might as well turn round and go back; the audience will be gone long before +ten o'clock." "No!" said the conductor; "at the last depot I got a telegram +saying they are waiting patiently, and telling us to hurry on." The +locomotive seemed to feel it was on the home stretch. At times, what with +the whirling smoke and the showering sparks, and the din, and rush, and +bang, it seemed as if we were on our last ride, and that the brakes would +not fall till we stopped for ever. + +At five minutes of ten o'clock we rolled into the Dayton depot, and before +the train came to a halt we were in a carriage with the lecturing +committee, going at the horse's full run toward the opera house. Without an +instant in which to slacken our pulses, the chairman rushed in upon the +stage, and introduced the lecturer of the evening. After in the quickest +way shedding overcoat and shawl, we confronted the audience, and with our +head yet swimming from the motion of the rail-train, we accosted the +people--many of whom had been waiting since seven o'clock'--with the words, +"Long-suffering but patient ladies and gentlemen, you are the best-natured +audience I ever saw." When we concluded what we had to say, it was about +midnight, and hence the title of this little sketch. + +We would have felt it more worthy of the railroad chase if it had been a +sermon rather than a lecture. Why do not the Young Men's Christian +Associations of the country intersperse religious discourses with the +secular, the secular demanding an admission fee, the religious without +money or price? If such associations would take as fine a hall, and pay as +much for advertising, the audience to hear the sermon would be as large as +the audience to hear the lecture. What consecrated minister would not +rather tell the story of Christ and heaven free of charge than to get five +hundred dollars for a secular address? Wake up, Young Men's Christian +Associations, to your glorious opportunity, it would afford a pleasing +change. Let Wendell Phillips give in the course his great lecture on "The +Lost Arts;" and A.A. Willitts speak on "Sunshine," himself the best +illustration of his subject; and Mr. Milburn, by "What a Blind Man Saw in +England," almost prove that eyes are a superfluity; and W.H.H. Murray talk +of the "Adirondacks," till you can hear the rifle crack and the fall of the +antlers on the rock. But in the very midst of all this have a religious +discourse that shall show that holiness is the lost art, and that Christ is +the sunshine, and that the gospel helps a blind man to see, and that from +Pisgah and Mount Zion there is a better prospect than from the top of fifty +Adirondacks. + +As for ourselves, save in rare and peculiar circumstances, good-bye to the +lecturing platform, while we try for the rest of our life to imitate the +minister who said, "This one thing I do!" There are exhilarations about +lecturing that one finds it hard to break from, and many a minister who +thought himself reformed of lecturing has, over-tempted, gone up to the +American Library or Boston Lyceum Bureau, and drank down raw, a hundred +lecturing engagements. Still, a man once in a while finds a new pair of +spectacles to look through. + +Between Indianapolis and Dayton, on that wild, swift ride, we found a moral +which we close with--for the printer-boy with inky fingers is waiting for +this paragraph--Never take the last train when you can help it. Much of the +trouble in life is caused by the fact that people, in their engagements, +wait til' the last minute. The seven-o'clock train will take them to the +right place if everything goes straight, but in this world things are very +apt to go crooked. So you had better take the train that starts an hour +earlier. In everything we undertake let us leave a little margin. We tried, +jokingly, to persuade Captain Berry, when off Cape Hatteras, to go down and +get his breakfast, while we took his place and watched the course of the +steamer. He intimated to us that we were running too near the bar to allow +a greenhorn to manage matters just there. There is always danger in sailing +near a coast, whether in ship or in plans and morals. Do not calculate too +closely on possibilities. Better have room and time to spare. Do not take +the last train. Not heeding this counsel makes bad work for this world and +the next. There are many lines of communication between earth and heaven. +Men say they can start at any time. After a while, in great excitement, +they rush into the depot of mercy and find that the final opportunity has +left, and, behold! it is the last train! + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE SEXTON. + + +King David, it is evident, once thought something of becoming a church +sexton, for he said, "I had rather be a doorkeeper," and so on. But he +never carried out the plan, perhaps because he had not the qualification. +It requires more talent in some respects to be sexton than to be king. A +sexton, like a poet, is born. A church, in order to peace and success, +needs the right kind of man at the prow, and the right kind at the +stern--that is, a good minister and a good sexton. So far as we have +observed, there are four kinds of janitors. + + +THE FIDGETY SEXTON. + +He is never still. His being in any one place proves to him that he ought +to be in some other. In the most intense part of the service, every ear +alert to the truth, the minister at the very climax of his subject, the +fidgety official starts up the aisle. The whole congregation instantly turn +from the consideration of judgment and eternity to see what the sexton +wants. The minister looks, the elders look, the people in the gallery get +up to look. It is left in universal doubt as to why the sexton frisked +about at just that moment. He must have seen a fly on the opposite side of +the church wall that needed to be driven off before it spoiled the fresco, +or he may have suspicion that a rat terrier is in one of the pews by the +pulpit, from the fact that he saw two or three children laughing. Now, +there is nothing more perplexing than a dog chase during religious +services. At a prayer meeting once in my house, a snarling poodle came in, +looked around, and then went and sat under the chair of its owner. We had +no objection to its being there (dogs should not be shut out from all +advantages), but the intruder would not keep quiet. A brother of dolorous +whine was engaged in prayer, when poodle evidently thought that the time +for response had come, and gave a loud yawn that had no tendency to +solemnize the occasion. I resolved to endure it no longer. I started to +extirpate the nuisance. I made a fearful pass of my hand in the direction +of the dog, but missed him. A lady arose to give me a better chance at the +vile pup, but I discovered that he had changed position. I felt by that +time obstinately determined to eject him. He had got under a rocking chair, +at a point beyond our reach, unless we got on our knees; and it being a +prayer meeting, we felt no inappropriateness in taking that position. Of +course the exercise had meanwhile been suspended, and the eyes of all were +upon my undertaking. The elders wished me all success in this police duty, +but the mischievous lads by the door were hoping for my failure. Knowing +this I resolved that if the exercises were never resumed, I would +consummate the work and eject the disturber. While in this mood I gave a +lunge for the dog, not looking to my feet, and fell over a rocker; but +there were sympathetic hands to help me up, and I kept on until by the back +of the neck I grasped the grizzly-headed pup, as he commenced kicking, +scratching, barking, yelping, howling, and carried him to the door in +triumph, and, without any care as to where he landed, hurled him out into +the darkness. + +Give my love to the sexton, and tell him never to chase a dog in religious +service. Better let it alone, though it should, like my friend's +poll-parrot, during prayer time, break out with the song, "I would not live +alway!" But the fidgety sexton is ever on the chase; his boots are apt to +be noisy and say as he goes up the aisle, "Creakety-crack! Here I come. +Creakety-crack!" Why should he come in to call the doctor out of his pew +when the case is not urgent? Cannot the patient wait twenty minutes, or is +this the cheap way the doctor has of advertising? Dr. Camomile had but +three cases in three months, and, strange coincidence, they all came to him +at half-past eleven o'clock Sunday morning, while he was in church. If +windows are to be lowered, or blinds closed, or register to be shut off, +let it be before the sermon. + + +THE LAZY SEXTON. + +He does not lead the stranger to the pew, but goes a little way on the +aisle, and points, saying, "Out yonder!" You leave the photograph of your +back in the dust of the seat you occupy; the air is in an atmospheric hash +of what was left over last Sunday. Lack of oxygen will dull the best +sermon, and clip the wings of gladdest song, and stupefy an audience. +People go out from the poisoned air of our churches to die of pneumonia. +What a sin, when there is so much fresh air, to let people perish for lack +of it! The churches are the worst ventilated buildings on the continent. No +amount of grace can make stale air sacred. "The prince of the power of the +air" wants nothing but poisoned air for the churches. After audiences have +assembled, and their cheeks are flushed, and their respiration has become +painful, it is too late to change it. Open a window or door now, and you +ventilate only the top of that man's bald head, and the back of the neck of +that delicate woman, and you send off hundreds of people coughing and +sneezing. One reason why the Sabbaths are so wide apart is that every +church building may have six days of atmospheric purification. The best +man's breath once ejected is not worth keeping. Our congregations are dying +of asphyxia. In the name of all the best interests of the church, I indict +one-half the sextons. + + +THE GOOD SEXTON. + +He is the minister's blessing, the church's joy, a harbinger of the +millennium. People come to church to have him help them up the aisle. He +wears slippers. He stands or sits at the end of the church during an +impressive discourse, and feels that, though he did not furnish the ideas, +he at least furnished the wind necessary in preaching it. He has a quick +nostril to detect unconsecrated odors, and puts the man who eats garlic on +the back seat in the corner. He does not regulate the heat by a broken +thermometer, minus the mercury. He has the window blinds arranged just +right--the light not too glaring so as to show the freckles, nor too dark +so as to cast a gloom, but a subdued light that makes the plainest face +attractive. He rings the bell merrily for Christmas festival, and tolls it +sadly for the departed. He has real pity for the bereaved in whose house he +goes for the purpose of burying their dead--not giving by cold, +professional manner the impression that his sympathy for the troubled is +overpowered by the joy that he has in selling another coffin. He forgets +not his own soul; and though his place is to stand at the door of the ark, +it is surely inside of it. After a while, a Sabbath comes when everything +is wrong in church: the air is impure, the furnaces fail in their work, and +the eyes of the people are blinded with an unpleasant glare. Everybody +asks, "Where is our old sexton?" Alas! he will never come again. He has +gone to join Obededom and Berechiah, the doorkeepers of the ancient ark. He +will never again take the dusting; whisk from the closet under the church +stairs, for it is now with him "Dust to dust." The bell he so often rang +takes up its saddest tolling for him who used to pull it, and the minister +goes into his disordered and unswept pulpit, and finds the Bible upside +down as he takes it up to read his text in Psalms, 84th chapter and 10th +verse: "I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than to dwell +in the tents of wickedness!" + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +THE OLD CRADLE. + + +The historic and old-time cradle is dead, and buried in the rubbish of the +garret. A baby of five months, filled with modern notions, would spurn to +be rocked in the awkward and rustic thing. The baby spits the "Alexandra +feeding-bottle" out of its mouth, and protests against the old-fashioned +cradle, giving emphasis to its utterances by throwing down a rattle that +cost seven dollars, and kicking off a shoe imported at fabulous expense, +and upsetting the "baby-basket," with all its treasures of ivory hair +brushes and "Meen Fun." Not with voice, but by violence of gesture and +kicks and squirms, it says: "What! You going to put me in that old cradle? +Where is the nurse? My patience! What does mother mean? Get me a 'patented +self-rocker!'" + +The parents yield. In comes the new-fangled crib. The machine is wound up, +the baby put in, the crib set in motion, and mother goes off to make a +first-rate speech at the "Woman's Rights Convention!" + +Conundrum: Why is a maternal elocutionist of this sort like a mother of old +time, who trained four sons for the holy ministry, and through them was the +means of reforming and saving a thousand souls, and through that thousand +of saving ten thousand more? You answer: "No resemblance at all!" You are +right. Guessed the conundrum the first time. Go up to the head of the +class! + +Now, the "patented self-rockers," no doubt, have their proper use; but go +up with me into the garret of your old homestead, and exhume the cradle +that you, a good while ago, slept in. The rockers are somewhat rough, as +though a farmer's plane had fashioned them, and the sides just high enough +for a child to learn to walk by. What a homely thing, take it all in all! +You say: Stop your depreciation! We were all rocked in that. For about +fifteen years that cradle was going much of the time. When the older child +was taken out, a smaller child was put in. The crackle of the rockers is +pleasant yet in my ears. There I took my first lessons in music as mother +sang to me. Have heard what you would call far better singing since then, +but none that so thoroughly touched me. She never got five hundred dollars +per night for singing three songs at the Academy, with two or three encores +grudgefully thrown in; but without pay she sometimes sang all night, and +came out whenever encored, though she had only two little ears for an +audience. It was a low, subdued tone that sings to me yet across +thirty-five years. + +You see the edge of that rocker worn quite deep? That is where her foot was +placed while she sat with her knitting or sewing, on summer afternoons, +while the bees hummed at the door and the shout of the boy at the oxen was +heard afield. From the way the rocker is worn, I think that sometimes the +foot must have been very tired and the ankle very sore; but I do not think +she stopped for that. When such a cradle as that got a-going, it kept on +for years. + +Scarlet-fever came in the door, and we all had it; and oh, how the cradle +did go! We contended as to who should lie in it, for sickness, you know, +makes babies of us all. But after a while we surrendered it to Charlie. He +was too old to lie in it, but he seemed so very, very sick; and with him in +the cradle it was "Rock!" "Rock!" "Rock!" But one day, just as long ago as +you can remember, the cradle stopped. When a child is asleep, there is no +need of rocking. Charlie was asleep. He was sound asleep. Nothing would +wake him. He needed taking up. Mother was too weak to do it. The neighbors +came in to do that, and put a flower, fresh out of the garden-dew, between +the two still hands. The fever had gone out of the cheek, and left it +white, very white--the rose exchanged for the lily. There was one less to +contend for the cradle. It soon started again, and with a voice not quite +so firm as before, but more tender, the old song came back: "Bye! bye! +bye!" which meant more to you than "Il Trovatore," rendered by opera troupe +in the presence of an American audience, all leaning forward and nodding to +show how well they understood Italian. + +There was a wooden canopy at the head of the old cradle that somehow got +loose and was taken off. But your infantile mind was most impressed with +the face which much of the time hovered over you. Other women sometimes +looked in at the child, and said: "That child's hair will be red!" or, +"What a peculiar chin!" or, "Do you think that child will live to grow up?" +and although you were not old enough to understand their talk, by instinct +you knew it was something disagreeable, and began to cry till the dear, +sweet, familiar face again hovered and the rainbow arched the sky. Oh, we +never get away from the benediction of such a face! It looks at us through +storm and night. It smiles all to pieces the world's frown. After +thirty-five years of rough, tumbling on the world's couch, it puts us in +the cradle again, and hushes us as with the very lullaby of heaven. + +Let the old cradle rest in the garret. It has earned its quiet. The hands +that shook up its pillow have quit work. The foot that kept the rocker in +motion is through with its journey. The face that hovered has been veiled +from mortal sight. Cradle of blessed memories! Cradle that soothed so many +little griefs! Cradle that kindled so many hopes! Cradle that rested so +many fatigues! Sleep now thyself, after so many years of putting others to +sleep! + +One of the great wants of the age is the right kind of a cradle and the +right kind of a foot to rock it. We are opposed to the usurpation of +"patented self-rockers." When I hear a boy calling his grandfather "old +daddy," and see the youngster whacking his mother across the face because +she will not let him have ice-cream and lemonade in the same stomach, and +at some refusal holding his breath till he gets black in the face, so that +to save the child from fits the mother is compelled to give him another +dumpling, and he afterward goes out into the world stubborn, willful, +selfish and intractable,--I say that boy was brought up in a "patented +self-rocker." The old-time mother would have put him down in the +old-fashioned cradle, and sung to him, + + "Hush, my dear, lie still and slumber, + Holy angels guard thy bed;" + +and if that did not take the spunk put of him would have laid him in an +inverted position across her lap, with his face downward, and with a +rousing spank made him more susceptible to the music. + +When a mother, who ought to be most interested in training her children for +usefulness and heaven, gives her chief time to fixing up her back hair, and +is worried to death because the curls she bought are not of the same shade +as the sparsely-settled locks of her own raising; and culturing the +dromedarian hump of dry-goods on her back till, as she comes into church, a +good old elder bursts into laughter behind his pocket-handkerchief, making +the merriment sound as much like a sneeze as possible; her waking moments +employed with discussions about polonaise, and vert-de-gris velvets, and +ecru percale, and fringed guipure, and poufs, and sashes, and rose-de-chêne +silks, and scalloped flounces; her happiness in being admired at balls and +parties and receptions,--you may know that she has thrown off the care of +her children, that they are looking after themselves, that they are being +brought up by machinery instead of loving hands--in a word, that there is +in her home a "patented self-rocker!" + +So far as possible, let all women dress beautifully: so God dresses the +meadows and the mountains. Let them wear pearls and diamonds if they can +afford it: God has hung round the neck of his world strings of diamonds, +and braided the black locks of the storm with bright ribbons of rainbow. +Especially before and right after breakfast, ere they expect to be seen of +the world, let them look neat and attractive for the family's sake. One of +the most hideous sights is a slovenly woman at the breakfast table. Let +woman adorn herself. Let her speak on platforms so far as she may have time +and ability to do so. But let not mothers imagine that there is any new way +of successfully training children, or of escaping the old-time self-denial +and continuous painstaking. + +Let this be the commencement of the law suit: + + OLD CRADLE + versus + PATENTED SELF-ROCKER. + +Attorneys for plaintiff--all the cherished memories of the past. + +Attorneys for the defendant--all the humbugs of the present. + +For jury--the good sense of all Christendom. + +Crier, open the court and let the jury be empaneled. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +A HORSE'S LETTER. + +[TRANSLATED FOR THE TEA-TABLE.] + + + Brooklyn Livery Stables, + January 20, 1874. + + My dear Gentlemen and Ladies: I am aware that this is the first time a + horse has ever taken upon himself to address any member of the human + family. True, a second cousin of our household once addressed Balaam, but + his voice for public speaking was so poor that he got unmercifully + whacked, and never tried it again. We have endured in silence all the + outrages of many thousands of years, but feel it now time to make + remonstrance. Recent attentions have made us aware of our worth. During + the epizoötic epidemic we had at our stables innumerable calls from + doctors and judges and clergymen. Everybody asked about our health. + Groomsmen bathed our throats, and sat up with us nights, and furnished us + pocket-handkerchiefs. For the first time in years we had quiet Sundays. + We overheard a conversation that made us think that the commerce and the + fashion of the world waited the news from the stable. Telegraphs + announced our condition across the land and under the sea, and we came to + believe that this world was originally made for the horse, and man for + his groom. + + But things are going back again to where they were. Yesterday I was + driven fifteen miles, jerked in the mouth, struck on the back, watered + when I was too warm; and instead of the six quarts of oats that my + driver ordered for me, I got two. Last week I was driven to a wedding, + and I heard music and quick feet and laughter that made the chandeliers + rattle, while I stood unblanketed in the cold. Sometimes the doctor hires + me, and I stand at twenty doors waiting for invalids to rehearse all + their pains. Then the minister hires me, and I have to stay till Mrs. + Tittle-Tattle has time to tell the dominie all the disagreeable things of + the parish. + + The other night, after our owner had gone home and the hostlers were + asleep, we held an indignation meeting in our livery stable. "Old Sorrel" + presided, and there was a long line of vice-presidents and secretaries, + mottled bays and dappled grays and chestnuts, and Shetland and Arabian + ponies. "Charley," one of the old inhabitants of the stable, began a + speech, amid great stamping on the part of the audience. But he soon + broke down for lack of wind. For five years he had been suffering with + the "heaves." Then "Pompey," a venerable nag, took his place; and though + he had nothing to say, he held out his spavined leg, which dramatic + posture excited the utmost enthusiasm of the audience. "Fanny Shetland," + the property of a lady, tried to damage the meeting by saying that horses + had no wrongs. She said, "Just look at my embroidered blanket. I never go + out when the weather is bad. Everybody who comes near pats me on the + shoulder. What can be more beautiful than going out on a sunshiny + afternoon to make an excursion through the park, amid the clatter of the + hoofs of the stallions? I walk, or pace, or canter, or gallop, as I + choose. Think of the beautiful life we live, with the prospect, after our + easy work is done, of going up and joining Elijah's horses of fire." + + Next, I took the floor, and said that I was born in a warm, snug + Pennsylvania barn; was, on my father's side, descended from Bucephalus; + on my mother's side, from a steed that Queen Elizabeth rode in a steeple + chase. My youth was passed in clover pastures and under trusses of + sweet-smelling hay. I flung my heels in glee at the farmer when he came + to catch me. But on a dark day I was over-driven, and my joints + stiffened, and my fortunes went down, and my whole family was sold. My + brother, with head down and sprung in the knees, pulls the street car. My + sister makes her living on the tow path, hearing the canal boys swear. My + aunt died of the epizoötic. My uncle--blind, and afflicted with the bots, + the ringbone and the spring-halt--wanders about the commons, trying to + persuade somebody to shoot him. And here I stand, old and sick, to cry + out against the wrongs of horses--the saddles that gall, the spurs that + prick, the snaffles that pinch, the loads that kill. + + At this a vicious-looking nag, with mane half pulled out, and a + "watch-eye," and feet "interfering," and a tail from which had been + subtracted enough hair to make six "waterfalls," squealed out the + suggestion that it was time for a rebellion, and she moved that we take + the field, and that all those who could kick should kick, and that all + those who could bite should bite, and that all those who could bolt + should bolt, and that all those who could run away should run away, and + that thus we fill the land with broken wagons and smashed heads, and + teach our oppressors that the day of retribution has come, and that our + down-trodden race will no more be trifled with. + + When this resolution was put to vote, not one said "Aye," but all cried + "Nay, nay," and for the space of half an hour kept on neighing. Instead + of this harsh measure, it was voted that, by the hand of Henry Bergh, + president of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, I + should write this letter of remonstrance. + + My dear gentlemen and ladies, remember that we, like yourselves, have + moods, and cannot always be frisky and cheerful. You do not slap your + grandmother in the face because this morning she does not feel as well as + usual; why, then do you slash us? Before you pound us, ask whether we + have been up late the night before, or had our meals at irregular hours, + or whether our spirits have been depressed by being kicked by a drunken + hostler. We have only about ten or twelve years in which to enjoy + ourselves, and then we go out to be shot into nothingness. Take care of + us while you may. Job's horse was "clothed with thunder," but all we ask + is a plain blanket. When we are sick, put us in a "horse-pital." Do not + strike us when we stumble or scare. Suppose you were in the harness and I + were in the wagon, I had the whip and you the traces, what an ardent + advocate you would be for kindness to the irrational creation! Do not let + the blacksmith drive the nail into the quick when he shoes me, or burn my + fetlocks with a hot file. Do not mistake the "dead-eye" that nature put + on my foreleg for a wart to be exterminated. Do not cut off my tail short + in fly-time. Keep the north wind out of our stables. Care for us at some + other time than during the epizoötics, so that we may see your kindness + is not selfish. + + My dear friends, our interests are mutual. I am a silent partner in your + business. Under my sound hoof is the diamond of national prosperity. + Beyond my nostril the world's progress may not go. With thrift, and + wealth, and comfort, I daily race neck and neck. Be kind to me if you + want me to be useful to you. And near be the day when the red horse of + war shall be hocked and impotent, and the pale horse of death shall be + hurled back on his haunches, but the white horse of peace, and joy, and + triumph shall pass on, its rider with face like the sun, all nations + following! + + Your most obedient servant, + Charley Bucephalus. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +KINGS OF THE KENNEL. + + +I said, when I lost Carlo, that I would never own another dog. We all sat +around, like big children, crying about it; and what made the grief worse, +we had no sympathizers. Our neighbors were glad of it, for he had not +always done the fair thing with them. One of them had lost a chicken when +it was stuffed and all ready for the pan, and suspicions were upon Carlo. + +I was the only counsel for the defendant; and while I had to acknowledge +that the circumstantial evidence was against him, I proved his general +character for integrity, and showed that the common and criminal law were +on our side, Coke and Blackstone in our favor, and a long list of +authorities and decisions: II. Revised Statutes, New York, 132, § 27; also, +Watch vs. Towser, Crompton and Meeson, p. 375; also, State of New Jersey +vs. Sicem Blanchard. + +When I made these citations, my neighbor and his wife, who were judges and +jurors in the case, looked confounded; and so I followed up the advantage I +had gained with the law maxim, "Non minus ex dolo quam ex culpa quisque hac +lege tenetur," which I found afterward was the wrong Latin, but it had its +desired effect, so that the jury did not agree, and Carlo escaped with his +life; and on the way home he went spinning round like a top, and +punctuating his glee with a semicolon made by both paws on my new clothes. + +Yet, notwithstanding all his predicaments and frailties, at his decease we +resolved, in our trouble, that we would never own another dog. But this, +like many another resolution of our life, has been broken; and here is +Nick, the Newfoundland, lying sprawled on the mat. He has a jaw set with +strength; an eye mild, but indicative of the fact that he does not want too +many familiarities from strangers; a nostril large enough to snuff a wild +duck across the meadows; knows how to shake hands, and can talk with head, +and ear, and tail; and, save an unreasonable antipathy to cats, is perfect, +and always goes with me on my walk out of town. + +He knows more than a great many people. Never do we take a walk but the +poodles, and the rat-terriers, and the grizzly curs with stringy hair and +damp nose, get after him. They tumble off the front door step and out of +the kennels, and assault him front and rear. I have several times said to +him (not loud enough for Presbytery to hear), "Nick, why do you stand all +this? Go at them!" He never takes my advice. He lets them bark and snap, +and passes on unprovokedly without sniff or growl. He seems to say, "They +are not worth minding. Let them bark. It pleases them and don't hurt me. I +started out for a six-mile tramp, and I cannot be diverted. Newfoundlanders +like me have a mission. My father pulled three drowning men to the beach, +and my uncle on my mother's side saved a child from the snow. If you have +anything brave, or good, or great for me to do, just clap your hand and +point out the work, and I will do it, but I cannot waste my time on +rat-terriers." + +If Nick had put that in doggerel, I think it would have read well. It was +wise enough to become the dogma of a school. Men and women are more easily +diverted from the straight course than is Nick. No useful people escape +being barked at. Mythology represents Cerberus a monster dog at the mouth +of hell, but he has had a long line of puppies. They start out at editors, +teachers, philanthropists and Christians. If these men go right on their +way, they perform their mission and get their reward, but one-half of them +stop and make attempt to silence the literary, political and ecclesiastical +curs that snap at them. + +Many an author has got a drop of printers' ink spattered in his eye, and +collapsed. The critic who had lobsters for supper the night before, and +whose wife in the morning had parted his hair on the wrong side, snarled at +the new book, and the time that the author might have spent in new work he +squanders in gunning for critics. You might better have gone straight +ahead, Nick! You will come to be estimated for exactly what you are worth. +If a fool, no amount of newspaper or magazine puffery can set you up; and +if you are useful, no amount of newspaper or magazine detraction can keep +you down. For every position there are twenty aspirants; only one man can +get it; forthwith the other nineteen are on the offensive. People are silly +enough to think that they can build themselves up with the bricks they pull +out of your wall. Pass on and leave them. What a waste of powder for a +hunter to go into the woods to shoot black flies, or for a man of great +work to notice infinitesimal assault! My Newfoundland would scorn to be +seen making a drive at a black-and-tan terrier. + +But one day, on my walk with Nick, we had an awful time. We were coming in +at great speed, much of the time on a brisk run, my mind full of white +clover tops and the balm that exudes from the woods in full leafage, when, +passing the commons, we saw a dog fight in which there mingled a +Newfoundland as large as Nick, a blood-hound and a pointer. They had been +interlocked for some time in terrific combat. They had gnashed upon and +torn each other until there was getting to be a great scarcity of ears, and +eyes and tails. + +Nick's head was up, but I advised him that he had better keep out of that +canine misunderstanding. But he gave one look, as much as to say, "Here at +last is an occasion worthy of me," and at that dashed into the fray. There +had been no order in the fight before, but as Nick entered they all pitched +at him. They took him fore, and aft, and midships. It was a greater +undertaking than he had anticipated. He shook, and bit, and hauled, and +howled. He wanted to get out of the fight, but found that more difficult +than to get in. + +Now, if there is anything I like, it is fair play. I said, "Count me in!" +and with stick and other missiles I came in like Blucher at nightfall. Nick +saw me and plucked up courage, and we gave it to them right and left, till +our opponents went scampering down the hill, and I laid down the weapons of +conflict and resumed my profession as a minister, and gave the mortified +dog some good advice on keeping out of scrapes, which homily had its proper +effect, for with head down and penitent look, he jogged back with me to the +city. + +Lesson for dogs and men: Keep out of fights. If you see a church contest, +or a company of unsanctified females overhauling each other's good name +until there is nothing left of them but a broken hoop skirt and one curl of +back hair, you had better stand clear. Once go in, and your own character +will be an invitation to their muzzles. Nick's long, clean ear was a +temptation to all the teeth. You will have enough battles of your own, +without getting a loan of conflicts at twenty per cent a month. + +Every time since the unfortunate struggle I have described, when Nick and +I take a country walk and pass a dog fight, he comes close up by my side, +and looks me in the eye with one long wipe of the tongue over his chops, as +much as to say, "Easier to get into a fight than to get out of it. Better +jog along our own way;" and then I preach him a short sermon from Proverbs +xxvi. 17: "He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to +him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +THE MASSACRE OF CHURCH MUSIC. + + +There has been an effort made for the last twenty years to kill +congregational singing. The attempt has been tolerably successful; but it +seems to me that some rules might be given by which the work could be done +more quickly, and completely. What is the use of having it lingering on in +this uncertain way? Why not put it out of its misery? If you are going to +kill a snake, kill it thoroughly, and do not let it keep on wagging its +tail till sundown. Congregational singing is a nuisance, anyhow, to many of +the people. It interferes with their comfort. It offends their taste. It +disposes their nose to flexibility in the upward direction. It is too +democratic in its tendency. Down with congregational singing, and let us +have no more of it. + +The first rule for killing it is to have only such tunes as the people +cannot sing! + +In some churches it is the custom for choirs at each service to sing one +tune which the people know. It is very generous of the choir to do that. +The people ought to be very thankful for the donation. They do not deserve +it. They are all "miserable offenders" (I heard them say so), and, if +permitted once in a service to sing, ought to think themselves highly +favored. But I oppose this singing of even the one tune that the people +understand. It spoils them. It gets them hankering after more. Total +abstinence is the only safety; for if you allow them to imbibe at all, they +will after a while get in the habit of drinking too much of it, and the +first thing you know they will be going around drunk on sacred psalmody. + +Beside that, if you let them sing one tune at a service, they will be +putting their oar into the other tunes and bothering the choir. There is +nothing more annoying to the choir than, at some moment when they have +drawn out a note to exquisite fineness, thin as a split hair, to have some +blundering elder to come in with a "Praise ye the Lord!" Total abstinence, +I say! Let all the churches take the pledge even against the milder musical +beverages; for they who tamper with champagne cider soon get to Hock and +old Burgundy. + +Now, if all the tunes are new, there will be no temptation to the people. +They will not keep humming along, hoping they will find some bars down +where they can break into the clover pasture. They will take the tune as an +inextricable conundrum, and give it up. Besides that, Pisgah, Ortonville +and Brattle Street are old fashioned. They did very well in their day. Our +fathers were simple-minded people, and the tunes fitted them. But our +fathers are gone, and they ought to have taken their baggage with them. It +is a nuisance to have those old tunes floating around the church, and +sometime, just as we have got the music as fine as an opera, to have a +revival of religion come, and some new-born soul break out in "Rock of +Ages, Cleft for Me!" till the organist stamps the pedal with indignation, +and the leader of the tune gets red in the face and swears. Certainly +anything that makes a man swear is wrong--ergo, congregational singing is +wrong. "Quod erat demonstrandum;" which, being translated, means "Plain as +the nose on a man's face." + +What right have people to sing who know nothing about rhythmics, melodies, +dynamics? The old tunes ought to be ashamed of themselves when compared +with our modern beauties. Let Dundee, and Portuguese Hymn, and Silver +Street hide their heads beside what we heard not long ago in a church--just +where I shall not tell. The minister read the hymn beautifully. The organ +began, and the choir sang, as near as I could understand, as follows: + + Oo--aw--gee--bah + Ah--me--la--he + O--pah--sah--dah + Wo--haw--gee-e-e-e. + +My wife, seated beside me, did not like the music. But I said: "What +beautiful sentiment! My dear, it is a pastoral. You might have known that +from 'Wo-haw-gee!' You have had your taste ruined by attending the Brooklyn +Tabernacle." The choir repeated the last line of the hymn four times. Then +the prima donna leaped on to the first line, and slipped, and fell on to +the second, and that broke and let her through into the third. The other +voices came in to pick her up, and got into a grand wrangle, and the bass +and the soprano had it for about ten seconds; but the soprano beat (women +always do), and the bass rolled down into the cellar, and the soprano went +up into the garret, but the latter kept on squalling as though the bass, in +leaving her, had wickedly torn out all her back hair. I felt anxious about +the soprano, and looked back to see if she had fainted; but found her +reclining in the arms of a young man who looked strong enough to take care +of her. + +Now, I admit that we cannot all have such things in our churches. It costs +like sixty. In the Church of the Holy Bankak it coats one hundred dollars +to have sung that communion, piece: + + "Ye wretched, hungry, starving poor!" + +But let us come as near to it as we can. The tune "Pisgah" has been +standing long enough on "Jordan's stormy banks." Let it pass over and get +out of the wet weather. Good-bye, "Antioch," "Harwell" and "Boylston." +Good-bye till we meet in glory. + +But if the prescription of new tunes does not end congregational singing, I +have another suggestion. Get an irreligious choir, and put them in a high +balcony back of the congregation. I know choirs who are made up chiefly of +religious people, or those, at least, respectful for sacred things. That +will never do, if you want to kill the music. The theatrical troupe are not +busy elsewhere on Sabbath, and you can get them at half price to sing the +praises of the Lord. Meet them in the green room at the close of the "Black +Crook" and secure them. They will come to church with opera-glasses, which +will bring the minister so near to them they can, from their high perch, +look clear down his throat and see his sermon before it is delivered. They +will make excellent poetry on Deacon Goodsoul as he carries around the +missionary box. They will write dear little notes to Gonzaldo, asking him +how his cold is and how he likes gum-drops. Without interfering with the +worship below, they can discuss the comparative fashionableness of the +"basque" and the "polonaise," the one lady vowing she thinks the first +style is "horrid," and the other saying she would rather die than be seen +in the latter; all this while the chorister is gone out during sermon to +refresh himself with a mint-julep, hastening back in time to sing the last +hymn. How much like heaven it will be when, at the close of a solemn +service, we are favored with snatches from Verdi's "Trovatore," +Meyerbeer's "Huguenots" and Bellini's "Sonnambula," from such artists as + + Mademoiselle Squintelle, + Prima Donna Soprano, from Grand Opera House, Paris. + Signor Bombastani, + Basso Buffo, from Royal Italian Opera. + Carl Schneiderine, + First Baritone, of His Majesty's Theatre, Berlin. + +If after three months of taking these two prescriptions the congregational +singing is not thoroughly dead, send me a letter directed to my name, with +the title of O.F.M. (Old Fogy in Music), and I will, on the receipt +thereof, write Another prescription, which I am sure will kill it dead as a +door nail, and that is the deadest thing in all history. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +THE BATTLE OF PEW AND PULPIT. + + +Two more sermons unloaded, and Monday morning I went sauntering down town, +ready for almost anything. I met several of my clerical friends going to a +ministers' meeting. I do not often go there, for I have found that some of +the clerical meetings are gridirons where they roast clergymen who do not +do things just as we do them. I like a Presbyterian gridiron no better than +a Methodist one, and prefer to either of them an old-fashioned spit, such +as I saw one summer in Oxford, England, where the rabbit is kept turning +round before a slow fire, in blessed state of itinerancy, the rabbit +thinking he is merely taking a ride, while he is actually roasting. + +As on the Monday morning I spoke of I was passing down the street, I heard +high words in a church. What could it be? Was it the minister, and the +sexton, and the trustees fighting? I went in to see, when, lo! I found that +the Pew and the Pulpit were bantering each other at a great rate, and +seemed determined to tell each one the other's faults. I stood still as a +mouse that I might hear all that was said, and my presence not be noticed. + +The Pew was speaking as I went in, and said to the Pulpit, in anything but +a reverential tone: "Why don't you speak out on other days as well as you +do to-day? The fact is, I never knew a Pulpit that could not be heard when +it was thoroughly mad. But when you give out the hymn on Sabbaths, I cannot +tell whether it is the seventieth or the hundredth. When you read the +chapter, you are half through with it before I know whether it is Exodus or +Deuteronomy. Why do you begin your sermon in so low a key? If the +introduction is not worth hearing, it is not worth delivering. Are you +explaining the text? If so, the Lord's meaning is as important as anything +you will have in your sermon. Throw back your shoulders, open your mouth! +Make your voice strike against the opposite wall! Pray not only for a clean +heart, but for stout lungs. I have nearly worn out my ears trying to catch +your utterances. When a captain on a battlefield gives an order, the +company all hear; and if you want to be an officer in the Lord's army, do +not mumble your words. The elocution of Christ's sermon is described when +we are told he opened his mouth and taught them--that is, spoke distinctly, +as those cannot who keep their lips half closed. Do you think it a sign of +modesty to speak so low? I think the most presuming thing on earth for a +Pulpit to do is to demand that an audience sit quiet when they cannot hear, +simply looking. The handsomest minister I ever saw is not worth looking at +for an hour and a half at a stretch. The truth is that I have often been so +provoked with your inarticulate speech, that I would have got up and left +the church, had it not been for the fact that I am nailed fast, and my +appearance on the outside on a Sabbath-day, walking up and down, would have +brought around me a crowd of unsanctified boys to gaze at me, a poor church +pew on its travels." + +The Pulpit responded in anything but a pious tone: "The reason you do not +hear is that your mind on Sundays is full of everything but the gospel. You +work so hard during the week that you rob the Lord of his twenty-four +hours. The man who works on Sunday as well as the rest of the week is no +worse than you who abstain on that day, because your excessive devotion to +business during the week kills your Sunday; and a dead Sunday is no Sunday +at all. You throw yourself into church as much as to say, 'Here, Lord, I am +too tired to work any more for myself; you can have the use of me while I +am resting!' Besides that, O Pew! you have a miserable habit. Even when you +can hear my voice on the Sabbath and are wide awake, you have a way of +putting your head down or shutting your eyes, and looking as if your soul +had vacated the premises for six weeks. You are one of those hearers who +think it is pious to look dull; and you think that the Pew on the other +side the aisle is an old sinner because he hunches the Pew behind him, and +smiles when the truth hits the mark. If you want me to speak out, it is +your duty not only to be wide awake, but to look so. Give us the benefit of +your two eyes. There is one of the elders whose eyes I have never caught +while speaking, save once, and that was when I was preaching from Psalm +cxiii. 12, 'They compassed me about like bees,' and by a strange +coincidence a bumble-bee got into church, and I had my attention divided +between my text and the annoying insect, which flew about like an +illustration I could not catch. A dull Pew is often responsible for a dull +Pulpit. Do not put your head down on the back of the seat in front, +pretending you are very much affected with the sermon, for we all know you +are napping." + +The Pew: "If you want me to be alert, give me something fresh and +startling. Your sermons all sound alike. It don't make any difference where +you throw the net, you never fish up anything but moss-bunkers. You are +always talking about stale things. Why don't you give us a touch, of +learned discussion, such as the people hear every Sunday in the church of +Reverend Doctor Heavyasbricks, when, with one eye on heaven and the other +on the old man in the gallery, he speaks of the Tridentine theory of +original sin, and Patristic Soteriology, Mediæval Trinitarianism, and +Antiochian Anthropology? Why do you not give us some uncommon words, and +instead of 'looking back upon your subject,' sometimes 'recapitulate,' and +instead of talking about a man's 'peculiarities,' mention his +'idiot-sin-crasies,' and describe the hair as the capillary adornment; and +instead of speaking of a thing as tied together, say it was 'inosculated.'" + +The Pulpit: "You keep me so poor I cannot buy the books necessary to keep +me fresh. After the babies are clothed, and the table is provided for, and +the wardrobe supplied, my purse is empty, and you know the best carpenter +cannot make good shingles without tools. Better pay up your back salary +instead of sitting there howling at me. You eased your conscience by +subscribing for the support of the gospel, but the Lord makes no record of +what a man subscribes; he waits to see whether he pays. The poor widow with +the two mites is applauded in Scripture because she paid cash down. I have +always noticed that you Pews make a big noise about Pulpit deficiencies, +just in proportion to the little you do. The fifty cents you pay is only +premium on your policy of five dollars' worth of grumbling. O critical Pew! +you had better scour the brass number on your own door before you begin to +polish the silver knob on mine." + +The Pew: "I think it is time for you to go away. I am glad that conference +is coming. I shall see the bishop, and have you removed to some other part +of the Lord's vineyard. You are too plain a Pulpit for such an elegant +Pew. Just look at your big hands and feet. We want a spiritual guide whose +fingers taper to a fine point, and one who could wear, if need be, a lady's +shoe. Get out, with your great paws and clodhoppers! We want in this church +a Pulpit that will talk about heaven, and make no allusion to the other +place. I have a highly educated nose, and can stand the smell of garlic and +assafoetida better than brimstone. We want an oleaginous minister, commonly +called oily. We want him distinguished for his unctuosity. We want an +ecclesiastical scent-bag, or, as you might call him, a heavenly nosegay, +perfect in every respect, his ordinary sneeze as good as a doxology. If he +cry during some emotional part of his discourse, let it not be an +old-fashioned cry, with big hands or coat sleeve sopping up the tears, but +let there be just two elegant tears, one from each eye, rolling down +parallel into a pocket-handkerchief richly embroidered by the sewing +society, and inscribed with the names of all the young ladies' Bible class. +If he kneel before sermon, let it not be a coming down like a soul in want, +but on one knee, so artistically done that the foot shall show the +twelve-dollar patent leather shoe, while the aforesaid pocket-handkerchief +is just peeping from the coat pocket, to see if the ladies who made it are +all there--the whole scene a religious tableau. We want a Pulpit that will +not get us into a tearing-down revival, where the people go shouting and +twisting about, regardless of carpets and fine effects, but a revival that +shall be born in a band-box, and wrapped in ruffles, and lie on a church +rug, so still that nobody will know it is there. If we could have such a +Pulpit as that, all my fellow-Pews would join me, and we would give it a +handsome support; yes, we would pay him; if we got just what we want, we +could afford to give, in case he were thoroughly eloquent, Demosthenic and +bewitching--I am quite certain we could, although I should not want myself +to be held responsible; yes, he should have eight hundred dollars a year, +and that is seven hundred and sixty dollars more than Milton got for his +'Paradise Lost,' about which one of his learned contemporaries wrote: 'The +old blind schoolmaster, John Milton, hath published a tedious poem on the +fall of man; if its length be not considered a merit, it has no other.' +Nothing spoils ministers like too big a salary. Jeshurun waxed fat and +kicked; if it had not been for the wax and the fat, he would not have +kicked. Sirloin steaks and mince pies are too rich for ministers. Put these +men down on catfish and flounders, as were the fishermen apostles. Too much +oats makes horses frisky, and a minister high-fed is sure to get his foot +over the shaft. If we want to keep our pulpits spiritual, we must keep them +poor. Blessed are the poor!" + +"Stop! stop!" cried the Pulpit; and it seemed to rise higher than before, +and to tremble from head to foot with excitement, and the banisters to +twist as if to fly in indignation at the Pew, and the plush on the +book-board to look red as fire; and seeing there was going to be a +collision between Pulpit and Pew, I ran up the aisle and got between them +(they were wide enough apart to allow me to get in), and I cried, "Silence! +This is great talk for a church. Pulpits ought not to scold, and Pews ought +not to grumble. As far as I can see, you are both to blame. Better shake +hands and pray for a better spirit. It wants more than a bishop to settle +this difficulty. The Lord Almighty alone can make Pulpit and Pew what they +ought to be. You both need to be baptized over again!" Then, taking up a +silver bowl that stood on the communion table, half full of the water +yesterday used at a babe's christening, I stood between the belligerents, +and sprinkled Pew and Pulpit with a Christian baptism, in the name of the +Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost. And when I got through, I could +not tell whether Pew or Pulpit said Amen the louder. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + +THE DEVIL'S GRIST-MILL. + + +The above name has been given to one of the geysers of California, that +group of boiling springs, now famous. Indeed, the whole region has been +baptized with Satanic nomenclature. + +The guide showed us what he called the "Devil's Mush-pot," the "Devil's +Pulpit," the "Devil's Machine Shop," and, hearing a shrill whistle in the +distance, we were informed it was the "Devil's Tea-kettle." Seeing some +black water rushing from a fountain, from which the people of the +neighborhood and tourists dip up genuine ink, we were told it was the +"Devil's Ink-stand." Indeed, you are prepared for this on the Pacific +Railroad, as your guide book points you to the "Devil's Gate," and the +"Devil's Slide," and the "Devil's Peak." + +We protest against this surrender of all the geysers to the arch demon. All +the writers talk of the place as infernal. We do not believe this place so +near to hell as to heaven. We doubt if Satan ever comes here. He knows +enough of hot climates, by experience, to fly from the hiss of these +subterraneous furnaces. Standing amid the roaring, thundering, stupendous +wonder of two hundred spouting water springs, we felt like crying out, +"Great and marvelous are thy works, Lord God almighty!" + +Let all the chemists and geologists of the world come and see the footstep +of God in crystals of alum and sulphur and salt. Here is the chemist's shop +of the continent. Enough black indelible ink rushes out of this well, with +terrific plash, to supply all the scribes of the world. There are infinite +fortunes for those who will delve for the borax, nitric and sulphuric acid, +soda, magnesia and other valuables. Enough sulphur here to purify the blood +of the race, or in gunpowder to kill it; enough salt to savor all the +vegetables of the world. Its acid water, which waits only for a little +sugar to make it delicious lemonade, may yet be found in all the drug +stores of the country. The water in one place roars like a steamboat +discharging its steam. Your boots curl with the heat as you stand on the +hot rocks, looking. Almost anywhere a thrust of your cane will evoke a gush +of steam. Our thermometer, plunged into one spring, answered one hundred +and seventy-five degrees of heat. Thrust in the "Witch's Caldron," it +asserted two hundred and fifteen degrees. "The Ink-stand" declared itself +two hundred degrees. An artificial whistle placed at the mouth of one of +these geysers may be heard miles away. You get a hot bath without paying +for it. The guide warns you off the crust in certain places, lest you at +the same moment be drowned and boiled. Here an egg cooks hard in three +minutes. + +The whole scene is unique and incomparable. The Yosemite makes us think of +the Alps; San Francisco reminds us of Chicago; Foss, the stage driver, +hurling his passengers down the mountain at break-neck speed, suggests the +driver of an Alpine diligence; Hutchings' mountain horse, that stumbled and +fell flat upon us, suggested our mule-back experiences in Tête Noir Pass of +Switzerland; but the geysers remind us of nothing that we ever saw, or ever +expect to see. They have a voice, a bubble, a smoke, a death-rattle, +peculiar to themselves. No photographist can picture them, no words +describe them, no fancy sketch them. + +You may visit them by either of two routes; but do not take the advice of +Foss, the celebrated stage driver. You ought to go by one route, and return +the other; yet Foss has made thousands of travelers believe that the only +safe and interesting way to return is the way they go--namely, by his +route. They who take his counsel miss some of the grandest scenery on the +continent. Any stage driver who by his misrepresentations would shut a +tourist out of the entrancing beauties of the "Russian Valley" ought to be +thrashed with his own raw-hide. We heard Foss bamboozling a group of +travelers with the idea that on the other route the roads were dangerous, +the horses poor, the accommodations wretched and the scenery worthless. We +came up in time to combat the statement with our own happy experiences of +the Russian Valley, and to save his passengers from the oft-repeated +imposition. + +And thus I have suggested the chief annoyance of California travel. The +rivalries of travel are so great that it is almost impossible to get +accurate information. The stage drivers, guides and hotel proprietors, for +the most part, are financially interested in different routes. Going to +Yosemite Valley by the "Calaveras route," from the office in San Francisco +where you buy your ticket to the end of your journey, everybody assures you +that J.M. Hutchings, one of the hotel keepers of Yosemite, is a scholar, a +poet, a gentleman and a Christian, and that to him all the world is +indebted for the opening of the valley. But if you go in by the "Mariposa +route," then from the office where you get your ticket, along by all the +way stations and through the mountain passes, you are assured that Mr. +Liedig, the hotel keeper of Yosemite, is the poet and Christian, and that +J.M. Hutchings aforesaid is a nobody, a blower, a dead beat, the chief +impediment to the interests of Yosemite--or, to use a generic term, a +scalawag. + +The fact is that no one can afford in California to take the same route +twice, for each one has a glory of its own. If a traveler have but one day +for the Louvre Gallery, he cannot afford to spend it all in one corridor; +and as California is one great picture gallery, filled with the +masterpieces of Him who paints with sunshine and dew and fire, and +sculptures with chisel of hurricane and thunderbolt, we cannot afford to +pass more than once before any canvas or marble. + +But whatever route you choose for the "Hot Springs," and whatever pack of +stage driver yarns you accept, know this--that in all this matchless +California, with climate of perpetual summer, the sky cloudless and the +wind blowing six months from the genial west; the open field a safe +threshing floor for the grandest wheat harvests of the world; nectarines +and pomegranates and pears in abundance that perish for lack of enough +hands to pick; by a product in one year of six million five hundred +thousand gallons of wine proving itself the vineyard of this hemisphere; +African callas, and wild verbenas, and groves of oleander and nutmeg; the +hills red with five thousand cattle in a herd, and white with a hundred and +fifty thousand sheep in a flock; the neighboring islands covered with wild +birds' eggs, that enrich the markets, or sounding with the constant +"yoi-hoi," "yoi-hoi," of the sea-lions that tumble over them; a State that +might be called the "Central Park" of the world; the gulches of gold +pouring more than fifty million of dollars a year into the national lap; +lofty lakes, like Tahoe, set crystalline in the crown of the mountain; +waterfalls so weird that you do not wonder that the Indians think that +whosoever points his finger at them must die, and in one place the water +plunging from a height more than sixteen times greater than Niagara,--even +in such a country of marvels as this, there is nothing that makes you ask +more questions, or bow in profounder awe, or come away with more +interesting reminiscences than the world renowned California geysers. + +There is a bang at your bed-room door at five-o'clock in the morning, +rousing you to go up and explore them; and after spending an hour or two in +wandering among them, you come back to the breakfast prepared by the model +landlord of California, jolly, obliging, intelligent, reasonable. As you +mount the stage for departure you give him a warm shake of the hand, and +suggest that it would be a grand thing if some one with a vein of poetry in +his mind and the faith of God in his heart would come round some day, and +passing among the geysers with a sprinkle of hot steam, would baptize them +with a Christian name. + +Let us ascribe to Satan nothing that is grand, or creative, or wise. He +could not make one of these grains of alum. He could not blow up one of +these bubbles on the spring. He does some things that seem smart; but +taking him all in all, he is the biggest fool in the universe. + +If the devil wants to boil his "Tea-kettle," or stir his "Mush-pot," or +whirl his "Grist-mill," let him do it in his own territory. Meanwhile, let +the water and the fire and the vapor, at the lift of David's orchestral +baton, praise the Lord! + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +THE CONDUCTOR'S DREAM. + + +He had been on the train all day, had met all kinds of people, received all +sorts of treatment, punctured all kinds of tickets, shouted "All out!" and +"All aboard!" till throat, and head, and hand, and foot were weary. It +would be a long while before we would get to another depot, and so he +sagged down in the corner of the car to sleep. He was in the most +uncomfortable position possible. The wind blew in his neck, his arm was +hung over the back of the seat, he had one foot under him, and his knee +pressing hard against a brass hinge. In that twisted and convoluted +position he fell asleep, and soon began to dream. + +It seemed to him, in his sleep, that the car was full of disagreeables. +Here was a man who persisted in having a window up, while the rain and +sleet drove in. There was a man who occupied the whole seat, and let the +ladies stand. Here sat a man smoking three poor cigars at once, and +expectorating into the beaver hat of the gentleman in front. Yonder was a +burglar on his way to jail, and opposite a murderer going to the gallows. +He thought that pickpockets took his watch and ruffians refused to pay +their fare. A woman traveling alone shot at him a volley of questions: +"Say, conductor, how long before we will get to the Junction?" "Are you +sure we have not passed it?" "Do you always stop there?" "What time is it?" +Madam, do keep quiet! "None of your impudence!" "How far from here to the +Junction?" "Do you think that other train will wait?" "Do you think we +will get there in time?" "Say, conductor, how many miles yet?" "Are you +looking out?" "Now, you won't let me go past, will you?" "Here! conductor, +here! Help me out with my carpet bag, and band-box, and shawl, and +umbrella, and this bundle of sausage and head-cheese." What was worse, the +train got going one hundred and fifty miles an hour, and pulling the +connecting rope, it broke, and the cars got off the track, and leaped on +again, and the stove changed places with the wood box, and things seemed +going to terrible split and unmitigated smash. The cities flew past. The +brakes were powerless. The whistle grew into a fiend's shriek. Then the +train began to slow up, and sheeted ghosts swung lanterns along the track, +and the cars rolled into a white depot, which turned out to be a great +marble tomb; and looking back to see his passengers, they were all stark +dead, frozen in upright horror to the car backs. + +Hearing by the man's snore, and seeing by his painful look, he was having +an awful dream, we tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Conductor! Turn +over that seat, and take my shawl, and stretch yourself out, and have a +comfortable nap." "Thank you, sir," he said, and immediately sprawled +himself out in the easiest way possible. He began his slumbers just as an +express train glides gracefully out of Pittsburg depot; then went at it +more earnestly, lifted all the brakes, put on all the steam, and in five +minutes was under splendid headway. He began a second dream, but it was the +opposite of the first. He thought that he had just stepped on the platform +of his car, and a lady handed him a bouquet fresh from the hot house. A +long line of railroad presidents and superintendents had come to the depot +to see him off, and tipped their hats as he glided out into the open air. +The car was an improvement on Pullman's best. Three golden goblets stood at +the end, and every time he turned the spigot of the water cask, it foamed +soda-water--vanilla if you turned it one way, strawberry if you turned it +the other. The spittoon was solid silver, and had never been used but once, +when a child threw into it an orange peeling. The car was filled with lords +and duchesses, who rose and bowed as he passed through to collect the fare. +They all insisted on paying twice as much as was demanded, telling him to +give half to the company and keep the rest for himself. Stopped a few +minutes at Jolly Town, Gleeville and Velvet Junction, making connection +with the Grand Trunk and Pan-Handle route for Paradise. But when the train +halted there was no jolt, and when it started there was no jerk. The track +was always clear, no freight train in the way, no snow bank to be +shoveled--train always on time. Banks of roses on either side, bridges with +piers of bronze, and flagmen clad in cloth-of-gold. The train went three +hundred miles the hour, but without any risk, for all the passengers were +insured against accident in a company that was willing to pay four times +the price of what any neck was worth. The steam whistle breathed as sweetly +as any church choir chanting its opening piece. Nobody asked the conductor +to see his time-table, for the only dread any passenger had was that of +coming to the end of its journey. + +As night came on the self-adjusting couches spread themselves on either +side; patent bootjacks rolled up and took your boots off; unseen fingers +tucked the damask covers all about you, and the porter took your +pocket-book to keep till morning, returning it then with twice what you +had in it at nightfall. After a while the train slackens to one hundred +and seventy-five miles an hour, and the conductor, in his dream, announces +that they are coming near the terminus. More brakes are dropped and they +are running but ninety miles the hour; and some one, looking out of the +window, says, "How slow we go!" "Yes," says the conductor, "we are holding +up." Now they have almost stopped, going at only seventy miles the hour. +The long line of depot lamps are flashing along the track. On the platform +of the station are the lovers who are waiting for their betrothed, and +parents who have come down to greet their children, returned with a +fortune, and wives who have not been able to eat or drink since their +spouses went away three weeks before. As the cushioned train flashes into +the depot and stops, wedding bells peal, and the gong of many banquets +sounds, and white arms are flung about necks, reckless of mistake, and +innumerable percussions of affection echo through the depot, so crisp and +loud that they wake the conductor, who thought that the boisterous smack +was on his own cheek, but finds that he is nothing but a bachelor railroad +man, with a lantern, at midnight getting out into a snow bank. + +Application: Get an easy position when you sleep, if you have any choice +between angels and gorgons. At midnight, seizing a chair, I ran into the +next room, resolving to kill, at the first stroke, the ruffian who was +murdering a member of my household. But there was no ruffian. The sweet +girl had, during the day, been reading of St. Bartholomew's massacre, and +was now lying on her back, dreaming it all over again. When dreams find +anyone lying flat on the back, they cry out, "Here is a flat surface on +which to skate and play ball," and from scalp to toe they sport +themselves. The hardest nag in all the world to ride is the nightmare. +Many think that sleep is lost time. But the style of your work will be +mightily affected by the style of your slumber. Sound Asleep is sister of +Wide Awake. Adam was the only man who ever lost a rib by napping too +soundly; but when he woke up, he found that, instead of the twelve ribs +with which he started, he really had nigh two dozen. By this I prove that +sleep is not subtraction, but addition. This very night may that angel put +balm on both your eyelids five minutes after you touch the pillow! + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +PUSH & PULL. + + +We have long been acquainted with a business firm whose praises have never +been sung. I doubt whether their names are ever mentioned on Exchange. They +seem to be doing more business and have more branch houses than the +Stewarts or Lippincotts. You see their names almost everywhere on the door. +It is the firm of Push & Pull. They generally have one of their partners' +names on outside of the door, and the other on the inside: "Push" on the +outside and "Pull" on the inside. I have found their business-houses in New +York, Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Boston, London and Edinburgh. It is under my +eye, whether I go to buy a hat, a shawl, or a paper of pins, or watch, or +ream of foolscap. They are in all kinds of business; and from the way they +branch out, and put up new stores, and multiply their signboards on the +outside and inside of doors, I conclude that the largest business firm on +earth to-day is Push & Pull. + +When these gentlemen join the church, they make things go along vigorously. +The roof stops leaking; a new carpet blooms on the church floor; the fresco +is retouched; the high pulpit is lowered till it comes into the same +climate with the pew; strangers are courteously seated; the salary of the +minister is paid before he gets hopelessly in debt to butcher and baker; +and all is right, financially and spiritually, because Push & Pull have +connected themselves with the enterprise. + +A new parsonage is to be built, but the movement does not get started. +Eight or ten men of slow circulation of blood and stagnant liver put their +hands on the undertaking, but it will not budge. The proposed improvement +is about to fail when Push comes up behind it and gives it a shove, and +Pull goes in front and lays into the traces; and, lo! the enterprise +advances, the goal is reached! And all the people who had talked about the +improvement, but done nothing toward it, invite the strangers who come to +town to go up and see "our" parsonage. + +Push & Pull are wide-awake men. They never stand round with their hands in +their pockets, as though feeling for money that they cannot find. They have +made up their minds that there is a work for them to do; and without +wasting any time in reverie, they go to work and do it. They start a "life +insurance company." Push is the president, and Pull the secretary. Before +you know it, all the people are running in to have their lungs sounded, and +to tell how many times they have had the rheumatism; how old they are; +whether they ever had fits; and at what age their father and mother +expired; and putting all the family secrets on paper, and paying Push & +Pull two hundred dollars to read it. When this firm starts a clothing +house, they make a great stir in the city. They advertise in such strong +and emphatic way that the people are haunted with the matter, and dream +about it, and go round the block to avoid that store door, lest they be +persuaded in and induced to buy something they cannot afford. But some time +the man forgets himself, and finds he is in front of the new clothing +store, and, at the first gleaner of goods in the show window, is tempted to +enter. Push comes up behind him, and Pull comes up before him, and the man +is convinced of the shabbiness of his present appearance--that his hat +will not do, that his coat and vest and all the rest of his clothes, clean +down to his shoes, are unfit; and before one week is past, a boy runs up +the steps of this customer with a pasteboard box marked, "From the clothing +establishment of Push & Pull. C.O.D." + +These men can do anything they set their hands to--publish a newspaper, lay +out a street, build a house, control a railroad, manage a church, +revolutionize a city. In fact, any two industrious, honorable, enterprising +men can accomplish wonders. One does the out-door work of the store, and +the other the indoor work. One leads, the other follows; but both working +in one direction, all obstacles are leveled before them. + +I wish that more of our young men could graduate from the store of Push & +Pull. We have tens of thousands of young men doing nothing. There must be +work somewhere if they will only do it. They stand round, with soap locks +and scented pocket-handkerchiefs, tipping their hats to the ladies; while, +instead of waiting for business to come to them, they ought to go to work +and make a business. Here is the ladder of life. The most of those who +start at the top of the ladder spend their life in coming down, while those +who start at the bottom may go up. Those who are born with a gold spoon in +their mouth soon lose the spoon. The two school bullies that used to +flourish their silk pocket-handkerchiefs in my face, and with their +ivory-handled, four-bladed knives punch holes through my kite--one of them +is in the penitentiary, and the other ought to be. + +Young man, the road of life is up hill, and our load heavy. Better take off +your kid gloves, and patent leathers, and white vest, and ask Push, with +his stout shoulder, and Pull, with his strong grip, to help you. Energy, +pluck, courage, obstinate determination are to be cultured. Eat strong +meat, drop pastries, stop reading sickly novelettes, pray at both ends of +the day and in the middle, look a man in the eye when you talk to him, and +if you want to be a giant keep your head out of the lap of indulgences that +would put a pair of shears through your locks. + +If you cannot get the right kind of business partner, marry a good, honest +wife. Fine cheeks and handsome curls are very well, but let them be mere +incidentals. Let our young men select practical women; there are a few of +them left. With such a one you can get on with almost all heavy loads of +life. You will be Pull, and she Push; and if you do not get the house built +and the fortune established, send me word, and I will tear this article up +in such small pieces that no one will ever be able to find it. + +Life is earnest work, and cannot be done with the tips of the fingers. We +want more crowbars and fewer gold toothpicks. The obstacles before you +cannot be looked out of countenance by a quizzing glass. Let sloth and +softliness go to the wall, but three cheers for Push & Pull, and all their +branch business houses! + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +BOSTONIANS. + + +We ran up to the Boston anniversaries to cast our vote with those good +people who are in that city on the side of the right. We like to go to the +modern Athens two or three times a year. Among other advantages, Boston +always soothes our nerves. It has a quieting effect upon us. The people +there are better satisfied than any people we know of. Judging from a few +restless spirits who get on some of the erratic platforms of that city, and +who fret and fume about things in general, the world has concluded that +Boston is at unrest. But you may notice that the most of the restless +people who go there are imported speakers, whom Boston hires to come once a +year and do for her all the necessary fretting. + +The genuine Bostonian is satisfied. He rises moderately early, goes to +business without any especial haste, dresses comfortably, talks +deliberately, lunches freely, and goes home to his family at plausible +hours. He would like to have the world made better, but is not going to +make himself sick in trying to cure the moral ailments of others. + +The genuine Bostonian is, for the most part, pleased with himself, has +confidence that the big elm will last another hundred years, keeps his +patriotism fresh by an occasional walk near the meat market under Faneuil +Hall, and reads the "Atlantic Monthly." We believe there is less fidgeting +in Boston than in any city of the country. We think that the average of +human life must be longer there than in most cities. Dyspepsia is a +rarity; for when a mutton chop is swallowed of a Bostonian it gives up, +knowing that there is no need of fighting against such inexorable +digestion. + +The ladies of Boston have more color in their cheeks than those of many +cities, and walk as though they would live to get round the next corner. It +is not so fashionable to be delicate. They are robust in mind and always +ready for an argument. State what you consider an indisputable proposition, +and they will say: "Yes, but then--" They are not afraid to attack the +theology of a minister, or the jurisprudence of a lawyer, or the pharmacy +of a doctor. If you do not look out, the Boston woman will throw off her +shawl and upset your logic in a public meeting. + +We like the men and women of Boston. They have opinions about +everything--some of them adverse to your own, but even in that case so well +expressed that, in admiration for the rhetoric, you excuse the divergence +of sentiment. We never found a half-and-half character in Boston. The +people do not wait till they see which way the smoke of their neighbors' +chimneys blows before they make up their own minds. + +The most conspicuous book on the parlor table of the hotels of other cities +is a book of engravings or a copy of the Bible. In some of the Boston +hotels, the prominent book on the parlor table is "Webster's Unabridged +Dictionary." You may be left in doubt about the Bostonian's character, but +need not doubt his capacity to parse a sentence, or spell without any +resemblance of blunder the word "idiosyncrasy." + +Boston, having made up its mind, sticks to it. Many years ago it decided +that the religious societies ought to hold a public anniversary in June, +and it never wavers. New York is tired of these annual demonstrations, and +goes elsewhere; but in the early part of every June, Boston puts its +umbrella under its arm and starts for Tremont Temple, or Music Hall, +determined to find an anniversary, and finds it. You see on the stage the +same spectacles that shone on the speakers ten years ago, and the same bald +heads, for the solid men of Boston got in the way of wearing their hair +thin in front a quarter of a century ago, and all the solid men of Boston +will, for the next century, wear their hair thin in front. + +There are fewer dandies in Boston than in most cities. Clothes, as a +general thing, do not make fun of the people they sit on. The humps on the +ladies' backs are not within two feet of being as high as in some of the +other cities, and a dromedary could look at them without thinking itself +caricatured. You see more of the outlandishness of fashion in one day on +Broadway than in a week on any one street of Boston. Doubtless, Boston is +just as proud as New York, but her pride is that of brains, and those, from +the necessities of the case, are hidden. + +Go out on the fashionable drive of Boston, and you find that the horses are +round limbed, and look as well satisfied as their owners. A restless man +always has a thin horse. He does not give the creature time to eat, wears +out on him so many whip lashes, and keeps jerking perpetually at the reins. +Boston horses are, for the most part, fat, feel their oats, and know that +the eyes of the world are upon them. You see, we think it no dishonor to a +minister to admire good horses, provided he does not trade too often, and +impose a case of glanders and bots on his unsophisticated neighbor. We +think that, as a minister is set up for an example to his flock, he ought +to have the best horse in the congregation. A minister is no more sacred +when riding behind a spavined and ringboned nag than when whirling along +after a horse that can swallow a mile in 2.30. + +The anniversary week in Boston closed by a display of flowers and fruits in +Horticultural Hall. It was appropriate that philanthropists and Christians, +hot from discussions of moral and religious topics, should go in and take a +bath of rose leaves and geraniums. Indeed, I think the sweetest anniversary +of the week was that of these flowers. A large rhododendron presided. +Azaleas and verbenas took part in the meeting. The Chinese honeysuckle and +clematis joined in the doxology. A magnolia pronounced the benediction. And +we went home praying for the time when the lily of the valley shall be +planted in every heart, and the desert shall blossom as the rose. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +JONAH VERSUS THE WHALE. + + +Unbelievers have often told us that the story of the prophet swallowed by a +great fish was an absurdity. They say that, so long in the stomach of the +monster, the minister would have been digested. We have no difficulty in +this matter. Jonah, was a most unwilling guest of the whale. He wanted to +get out. However much he may have liked fish, he did not want it three +times a day and all the time. So he kept up a fidget, and a struggle, and a +turning over, and he gave the whale no time to assimilate him. The man knew +that if he was ever to get out he must be in perpetual motion. We know men +that are so lethargic they would have given the matter up, and lain down so +quietly that in a few hours they would have gone into flukes and fish +bones, blow-holes and blubber. + +Now we see men all around us who have been swallowed by monstrous +misfortunes. Some of them sit down on a piece of whalebone and give up. +They say: "No use! I will never get back my money, or restore my good name, +or recover my health." They float out to sea and are never again heard of. +Others, the moment they go down the throat of some great trouble, begin +immediately to plan for egress. They make rapid estimate of the length of +the vertebrate, and come to the conclusion how far they are in. They dig up +enough spermaceti out of the darkness to make a light, and keep turning +this way and that, till the first you know they are out. Determination to +get well has much to do with recovered invalidism. Firm will to defeat +bankruptcy decides financial deliverance. Never surrender to misfortune or +discouragement. You can, if you are spry enough, make it as uncomfortable +for the whale as the whale can make it uncomfortable for you. There will be +some place where you can brace your foot against his ribs, and some long +upper tooth around which you may take hold, and he will be as glad to get +rid of you for tenant as you are to get rid of him for landlord. There is a +way, if you are determined to find it. All our sympathies are with the +plaintiff in the suit of Jonah versus Leviathan. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +SOMETHING UNDER THE SOFA. + + +Not more than twenty-five miles from New York city, and not more than two +years ago, there stood a church in which occurred a novelty. We promised +not to tell; but as we omit all names, we think ourselves warranted in +writing the sketch. The sacred edifice had stood more than a hundred years, +until the doors were rickety, and often stood open during the secular week. +The window glass in many places had been broken out. The shingles were off +and the snow drifted in, and the congregation during a shower frequently +sat under the droppings of the sanctuary. All of which would have been a +matter for sympathy, had it not been for the fact that the people of the +neighborhood were nearly all wealthy, and lived in large and comfortable +farm houses, making the appearance of their church a fit subject for +satire. + +The pulpit was giving way with the general wreck, was unpainted, and the +upholstery on book-board and sofa seemed calling out with Jew's voice, "Any +old clo'? Any old clo'?" One Sabbath, the minister felt some uneasiness +under the sofa while the congregation were singing, and could not imagine +the cause; but found out the next day that a maternal cat had made her nest +there with her group of offspring, who had entered upon mortal life amid +these honorable surroundings. + +Highly-favored kittens! If they do not turn out well, it will not be the +fault of their mother, who took them so early under good influences. In +the temple of old the swallow found a nest for herself where she might lay +her young; but this is the first time we ever knew of the conference of +such honors on the Felis domestica. It could not have been anything +mercenary that took the old cat into the pulpit, for "poor as a church +mouse" has become proverbial. Nothing but lofty aspirations could have +taken her there, and a desire that her young should have advantages of high +birth. If in the "Historical Society" there are mummied cats two thousand +years old, much more will post-mortem honors be due this ecclesiastical +Pussy. + +We see many churches in city as well as town that need rehabilitation and +reconstruction. People of a neighborhood have no right to live in houses +better constructed than their church. Better touch up the fresco, and put +on a new roof, and tear out the old pews which ignore the shape of a man's +back, and supersede the smoky lamps by clarified kerosene or cheap gas +brackets. Lower you high pulpit that your preacher may come down from the +Mont Blanc of his isolation and solitariness into the same climate of +sympathy with his audience. Tear away the old sofa, ragged and +spring-broken, on which the pastors of forty years have been obliged to +sit, and see whether there are any cats in your antediluvian pulpit. + +Would it not be well for us all to look under our church sofas and see if +there be anything lurking there that we do not suspect? A cat, in all +languages, has been the symbol of deceit and spitefulness, and she is more +fit for an ash barrel than a pulpit. Since we heard that story of feline +nativity, whenever we see a minister of religion, on some question of +Christian reform, skulking behind a barrier, and crawling away into some +half-and-half position on the subject of temperance or oppression, and +daring not to speak out, instead of making his pulpit a height from which +to hurl the truth against the enemies of God, turning it into a cowardly +hiding place, we say, "Another cat in the pulpit." + +Whenever we see a professed minister of religion lacking in frankness of +soul, deceitful in his friendship, shaking hands heartily when you meet +him, but in private taking every possible opportunity of giving you a long, +deep scratch, or in public newspapers giving you a sly dig with the claw of +his pen, we say: "Another cat in the pulpit!" + +Once a year let all our churches be cleaned with soap, and sand, and mop, +and scrubbing brush, and the sexton not forget to give one turn of his +broom under the pastor's chair. Would that with one bold and emphatic +"scat!" we could drive the last specimen of deceitfulness and skulking from +the American pulpit! + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +THE WAY TO KEEP FRESH. + + +How to get out of the old rut without twisting off the wheel, or snapping +the shafts, or breaking the horse's leg, is a question not more appropriate +to every teamster than to every Christian worker. Having once got out of +the old rut, the next thing is to keep out. There is nothing more killing +than ecclesiastical humdrum. Some persons do not like the Episcopal Church +because they have the same prayers every Sabbath, but have we not for the +last ten years been hearing the same prayers over and over again, the +product of a self-manufactured liturgy that has not the thousandth part of +the excellency of those petitions that we hear in the Episcopal Church? + +In many of our churches sinners hear the same exhortations that they have +been hearing for the last fifteen years, so that the impenitent man knows, +the moment the exhorter clears his throat, just what is going to be said; +and the hearer himself is able to recite the exhortation as we teach our +children the multiplication table forward or backward. We could not +understand the doleful strain of a certain brother's prayer till we found +out that he composed it on a fast day during the yellow fever in 1821, and +has been using it ever since. + +There are laymen who do not like to hear a sermon preached the second time +who yet give their pastors the same prayer every week at the devotional +meeting--that is, fifty-two times the year, with occasional slices of it +between meals. If they made any spiritual advancement, they would have new +wants to express and new thanksgivings to offer. But they have been for a +decade of years stuck fast in the mud, and they splash the same thing on +you every week. We need a universal church cleaning by which all canting +and humdrum shall be scrubbed out. + +If we would keep fresh, let us make occasional excursions into other +circles than our own. Artists generally go with artists, farmers with +farmers, mechanics with mechanics, clergymen with clergymen, Christian +workers with Christian workers. But there is nothing that sooner freshens +one up than to get in a new group, mingling with people whose thought and +work run in different channels. For a change put the minister on the hay +rack and the farmer in the clergyman's study. + +Let us read books not in our own line. After a man has been delving in +nothing but theological works for three months, a few pages in the +Patent-office Report will do him more good than Doctor Dick on "The +Perseverance of the Saints." Better than this, as a diversion, is it to +have some department of natural history or art to which you may turn, a +case of shells or birds, or a season ticket to some picture gallery. If you +do nothing but play on one string of the bass viol, you will wear it out +and get no healthy tune. Better take the bow and sweep it clear across in +one grand swirl, bringing all four strings and all eight stops into +requisition. + +Let us go much into the presence of the natural world if we can get at it. +Especially if we live in great thoroughfares let us make occasional flight +to the woods and the mountains. Even the trees in town seem artificial. +They dare not speak where there are so many to listen, and the hyacinth +and geranium in flower pots in the window seem to know they are on +exhibition. If we would once in a while romp the fields, we would not have +so many last year's rose leaves in our sermons, but those just plucked, +dewy and redolent. + +We cannot see the natural world through the books or the eyes of others. +All this talk about "babbling brooks" is a stereotyped humbug. Brooks never +"babble." To babble is to be unintelligent and imperfect of tongue. But +when the brooks speak, they utter lessons of beauty that the dullest ear +can understand. We have wandered from the Androscoggin in Maine to the +Tombigbee in Alabama, and we never found a brook, that "babbled." The +people babble who talk about them, not knowing what a brook is. We have +heard about the nightingale and the morning lark till we tire of them. +Catch for your next prayer meeting talk a chewink or a brown thresher. It +is high time that we hoist our church windows, especially those over the +pulpit, and let in some fresh air from the fields and mountains. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +CHRISTMAS BELLS. + + +The sexton often goes into the tower on a sad errand. He gives a strong +pull at the rope, and forth from the tower goes a dismal sound that makes +the heart sink. But he can now go up the old stairs with a lithe step and +pull quick and sharp, waking up all the echoes of cavern and hill with +Christmas bells. The days of joy have come, days of reunion, days of +congratulation. "Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy that shall be +to all people." + +First, let the bells ring at the birth of Jesus! Mary watching, the camels +moaning, the shepherds rousing up, the angels hovering, all Bethlehem +stirring. What a night! Out of its black wing is plucked the pen from which +to write the brightest songs of earth and the richest doxologies of heaven. +Let camel or ox stabled that night in Bethlehem, after the burden-bearing +of the day, stand and look at Him who is to carry the burdens of the world. +Put back the straw and hear the first cry of Him who is come to assuage the +lamentation of all ages. + +Christmas bells ring out the peace of nations! We want on our standards +less of the lion and eagle and more of the dove. Let all the cannon be +dismounted, and the war horses change their gorgeous caparisons for plough +harness. Let us have fewer bullets and more bread. Life is too precious to +dash it out against the brick casements. The first Peace Society was born +in the clouds, and its resolution was passed unanimously by angelic +voices, "Peace on earth, good-will to men." + +Christmas bells ring in family reunions! The rail trains crowded with +children coming home. The poultry, fed as never since they were born, stand +wondering at the farmer's generosity. The markets are full of massacred +barnyards. The great table will be spread and crowded with two, or three, +or four generations. Plant the fork astride the breast bone, and with +skillful twitch, that we could never learn, give to all the hungry +lookers-on a specimen of holiday anatomy. Mary is disposed to soar, give +her the wing. The boy is fond of music, give him the drum stick. The +minister is dining with you, give him the parson's nose. May the joy reach +from grandfather, who is so dreadful old he can hardly find the way to his +plate, down to the baby in the high chair with one smart pull of the table +cloth upsetting the gravy into the cranberry. Send from your table a +liberal portion to the table of the poor, some of the white meat as well as +the dark, not confining your generosity to gizzards and scraps. Do not, as +in some families, keep a plate and chair for those who are dead and gone. +Your holiday feast would be but poor fare for them; they are at a better +banquet in the skies. + +Let the whole land be full of chime and carol. Let bells, silver and +brazen, take their sweetest voice, and all the towers of Christendom rain +music. + +We wish all our friends a merry Christmas. Let them hang up their +stockings; and if Santa Claus has any room for us in his sleigh, we will +get in and ride down their chimney, upsetting all over the hearth a +thousand good wishes. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +POOR PREACHING. + + +There never was a time when in all denominations of Christians there was so +much attractive sermonizing as to-day. Princeton, and Middletown, and +Rochester, and New Brunswick, are sending into the ministry a large number +of sharp, earnest, consecrated men. Stupidity, after being regularly +ordained, is found to be no more acceptable to the people than before, and +the title of Doctorate cannot any longer be substituted for brains. +Perhaps, however, there may get to be a surfeit of fine discourses. Indeed, +we have so many appliances for making bright and incisive preachers that we +do not know but that after a while, when we want a sleepy discourse as an +anodyne, we shall have to go to the ends of the earth to find one; and dull +sermons may be at a premium, congregations of limited means not being able +to afford them at all; and so we shall have to fall back on chloral or +morphine. + +Are we not, therefore, doing a humanitarian work when we give to +congregations some rules by which, if they want it, they may always have +poor preaching? + +First. Keep your minister poor. There is nothing more ruinous than to pay a +pastor too much salary. Let every board of trustees look over their books +and see if they have erred in this direction; and if so, let them cut down +the minister's wages. There are churches which pay their pastors eight +hundred dollars per annum. What these good men do with so much money we +cannot imagine. Our ministers must be taken in. If by occasional fasting +for a day our Puritan fathers in New England became so good, what might we +not expect of our ministers if we kept them in perpetual fast? No doubt +their spiritual capacity would enlarge in proportion to their shrinkage at +the waistcoat. The average salary of ministers in the United States is +about six hundred dollars. Perhaps by some spiritual pile-driver we might +send it down to five hundred dollars; and then the millennium, for the lion +by that time would be so hungry he would let the lamb lie down inside of +him. We would suggest a very economical plan: give your spiritual adviser a +smaller income, and make it up by a donation visit. When everything else +fails to keep him properly humble, that succeeds. We speak from experience. +Fourteen years ago we had one, and it has been a means of grace to us ever +since. + +Secondly. For securing poor preaching, wait on your pastor with frequent +committees. Let three men some morning tie their horses at the dominie's +gate, and go in and tell him how to preach, and pray, and visit. Tell him +all the disagreeable things said about him for six months, and what a great +man his predecessor was, how much plainer his wife dressed, and how much +better his children behaved. Pastoral committees are not like the +small-pox--you can have them more than once; they are more like the mumps, +which you may have first on one side and then on the other. If, after a man +has had the advantage of being manipulated by three church committees, he +has any pride or spirit left, better give him up as incorrigible. + +Thirdly. To secure poor preaching, keep the minister on the trot. Scold him +when he comes to see you because he did not come before, and tell him how +often you were visited by the former pastor. Oh, that blessed predecessor! +Strange they did not hold on to the angel when they had him. Keep your +minister going. Expect him to respond to every whistle. Have him at all the +tea parties and "the raisings." Stand him in the draught of the door at the +funeral--a frequent way of declaring a pulpit vacant. Keep him busy all the +week in out-door miscellaneous work; and if at the end of that time he +cannot preach a weak discourse, send for us, and we will show him how to do +it. Of course there are exceptions to all rules; but if the plan of +treatment we have proposed be carried out, we do not see that any church in +city or country need long be in want of poor preaching. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + +SHELVES A MAN'S INDEX. + + +In Chelsea, a suburb of London, and on a narrow street, with not even a +house in front, but, instead thereof, a long range of brick wall, is the +house of Thomas Carlyle. You go through a narrow hall and turn to the left, +and are in the literary workshop where some of the strongest thunderbolts +of the world have been forged. The two front windows have on them scant +curtains of reddish calico, hung at the top of the lower sash, so as not to +keep the sun from looking down, but to hinder the street from looking in. + +The room has a lounge covered with the same material, and of construction +such as you would find in the plainest house among the mountains. It looks +as if it had been made by an author not accustomed to saw or hammer, and in +the interstices of mental work. On the wall are a few wood-cuts in plain +frames or pinned against the wall; also a photograph of Mr. Carlyle taken +one day, as his family told us, when he had a violent toothache and could +attend to nothing else, it is his favorite picture, though it gives him a +face more than ordinarily severe and troubled. + +In long shelves, unpainted and unsheltered by glass or door, is the library +of the world-renowned thinker. The books are worn, as though he had bought +them to read. Many of them are uncommon books, the titles of which we never +saw before. American literature is almost ignored, while Germany +monopolizes many of the spaces. We noticed the absence of theological +works, save those of Thomas Chalmers, whose name and genius he well-nigh +worshiped. The carpets are old and worn and faded--not because he cannot +afford better, but because he would have his home a perpetual protest +against the world's sham. It is a place not calculated to give inspiration +to a writer. No easy chairs, no soft divans, no wealth of upholstery, but +simply a place to work and stay. Never having heard a word about it, it was +nevertheless just such a place as we expected. + +We had there confirmed our former theory of a man's study as only a part of +himself, or a piece of tight-fitting clothing. It is the shell of the +tortoise, just made to fit the tortoise's back. Thomas Carlyle could have +no other kind of a workshop. What would he do with a damask-covered table, +or a gilded inkstand, or an upholstered window? Starting with the idea that +the intellect is all and the body naught but an adjunct or appendage, he +will show that the former can live and thrive without any approval of the +latter. He will give the intellect all costly stimulus, and send the body +supperless to bed. Thomas Carlyle taken as a premise, this shabby room is +the inevitable conclusion. Behold the principle. + +We have a poetic friend. The backs of his books are scrolled and +transfigured. A vase of japonicas, even in mid-winter, adorns his writing +desk. The hot-house is as important to him as the air. There are soft +engravings on the wall. This study-chair was made out of the twisted roots +of a banyan. A dog, sleek-skinned, lies on the mat, and gets up as you come +in. There stand in vermilion all the poets from Homer to Tennyson. Here and +there are chamois heads and pressed seaweed. He writes on gilt-edged paper +with a gold pen and handle twisted with a serpent. His inkstand is a +mystery of beauty which unskilled hands dare not touch, lest the ink +spring at him from some of the open mouths, or sprinkle on him from the +bronze wings, or with some unexpected squirt dash into his eyes the +blackness of darkness. + +We have a very precise friend. Everything is in severe order. Finding his +door-knob in the dark, you could reason out the position of stove, and +chair, and table; and placing an arrow at the back of the book on one end +of the shelf, it would fly to the other end, equally grazing all the +bindings. It is ten years since John Milton, or Robert Southey, or Sir +William Hamilton have been out of their places, and that was when an +ignoramus broke into the study. The volumes of the encyclopedias never +change places. Manuscripts unblotted, and free from interlineation, and +labeled. The spittoon knows its place in the corner, as if treated by +tobacco chewers with oft indignity. You could go into that study with your +eyes shut, turn around, and without feeling for the chair throw yourself +back with perfect confidence that the furniture would catch you. No better +does a hat fit his head, or shoe his foot, or the glove his hand, than the +study fits his whole nature. + +We have a facetious friend. You pick off the corner of his writing table +"Noctes Ambrosianæ" or the London "Punch." His chair is wide, so that he +can easily roll off on the floor when he wants a good time at laughing. His +inkstand is a monkey, with the variations. His study-cap would upset a +judge's risibilities. Scrap books with droll caricatures and facetiæ. An +odd stove, exciting your wonder as to where the coal is put in or the poker +thrust for a shaking. All the works of Douglass Jerrold, and Sydney Smith, +and Sterne, the scalawag ecclesiastic. India-rubber faces capable of being +squashed into anything. Puzzles that you cannot untangle. The four walls +covered with cuts and engravings sheared from weekly pictorials and +recklessly taken from parlor table books. Prints that put men and women +into hopeless satire. + +We have a friend of many peculiarities. Entering his house, you find +nothing in the place where you expected it. "Don Quixote," with, all its +windmills mixed up with "Dr. Dick on the Sacraments," Mark Twain's "Jumping +Frog," and "Charnock on the Attributes." Passing across the room, you +stumble against the manuscript of his last lecture, or put your foot in a +piece of pie that has fallen off the end of the writing table. You mistake +his essay on the "Copernican System" for blotting paper. Many of his books +are bereft of the binding; and in attempting to replace the covers, +Hudibras gets the cover which belongs to "Barnes on the Acts of the +Apostles." An earthquake in the room would be more apt to improve than to +unsettle. There are marks where the inkstand became unstable and made a +handwriting on the wall that even Daniel could not have interpreted. If, +some fatal day, the wife or housekeeper come in, while the occupant is +absent, to "clear up," a damage is done that requires weeks to repair. For +many days the question is, "Where is my pen? Who has the concordance? What +on earth has become of the dictionary? Where is the paper cutter?" Work is +impeded, patience lost, engagements are broken, because it was not +understood that the study is a part of the student's life, and that you +might as well try to change the knuckles to the inside of the hand, or to +set the eyes in the middle of the forehead, as to make the man of whom we +speak keep his pen on the rack, or his books off the floor, or the blotting +paper straight in the portfolio. + +The study is a part of the mental development. Don't blame a man for the +style of his literary apartments any more than you would for the color of +his hair or the shape of his nose. If Hobbes carries his study with him, +and his pen and his inkstand in the top of his cane, so let him carry them. +If Lamartine can best compose while walking his park, paper and pencil in +hand, so let him ramble. If Robert Hall thinks easiest when lying flat on +his back, let him be prostrate. If Lamasius writes best surrounded by +children, let loose on him the whole nursery. Don't criticise Charles +Dickens because he threw all his study windows wide open and the shades up. +It may fade the carpet, but it will pour sunshine into the hearts of a +million readers. If Thomas Carlyle chose to call around an ink-spattered +table Goethe, and Schiller, and Jean Paul Frederick Richter, and dissect +the shams of the world with a plain goose-quill, so be it. The horns of an +ox's head are not more certainly a part of the ox than Thomas Carlyle's +study and all its appointments are a part of Thomas Carlyle. + +The gazelle will have soft fur, and the lion a shaggy hide, and the sanctum +sanctorum is the student's cuticle. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + +BEHAVIOR AT CHURCH. + + +Around the door of country meeting-houses it has always been the custom for +the people to gather before and after church for social intercourse and the +shaking of hands. Perhaps because we, ourselves, were born in the country +and had never got over it, the custom pleases us. In the cities we arrive +the last moment before service and go away the first moment after. We act +as though the church were a rail-car, into which we go when the time for +starting arrives, and we get out again as soon as the depot of the Doxology +is reached. We protest against this business way of doing things. Shake +hands when the benediction is pronounced with those who sat before and +those who sat behind you. Meet the people in the aisle, and give them +Christian salutation. Postponement of the dining hour for fifteen minutes +will damage neither you nor the dinner. That is the moment to say a +comforting word to the man or woman in trouble. The sermon was preached to +the people in general; it is your place to apply it to the individual +heart. + +The church aisle may be made the road to heaven. Many a man who was +unaffected by what the minister said has been captured for God by the +Christian word of an unpretending layman on the way out. + +You may call it personal magnetism, or natural cordiality, but there are +some Christians who have such an ardent way of shaking hands after meeting +that it amounts to a benediction. Such greeting is not made with the left +hand. The left hand is good for a great many things, for instance to hold a +fork or twist a curl, but it was never made to shake hands with, unless you +have lost the use of the right. Nor is it done by the tips of the fingers +laid loosely in the palm of another. Nor is it done with a glove on. Gloves +are good to keep out the cold and make one look well, but have them so they +can easily be removed, as they should be, for they are non-conductors of +Christian magnetism. Make bare the hand. Place it in the palm of your +friend. Clench the fingers across the back part of the hand you grip. Then +let all the animation of your heart rush to the shoulder, and from there to +the elbow, and then through the fore arm and through the wrist, till your +friend gets the whole charge of gospel electricity. + +In Paul's time he told the Christians to greet each other with a holy kiss. +We are glad the custom has been dropped, for there are many good people who +would not want to kiss us, as we would not want to kiss them. Very +attractive persons would find the supply greater than the demand. But let +us have a substitute suited to our age and land. Let it be good, hearty, +enthusiastic, Christian hand-shaking. + +Governor Wiseman, our grave friend at tea, broke in upon us at this moment +and said: I am not fond of indiscriminate hand-shaking, and so am not +especially troubled by the lack of cordiality on the part of church-goers. +But I am sometimes very much annoyed on Sabbaths with the habit of some +good people in church. It may be foolish in me; but when the wind blows +from the east, it takes but little to disturb me. + +There are some of the best Christian people who do not know how to carry +themselves in religious assemblage. They never laugh. They never applaud. +They never hiss. Yet, notwithstanding, are disturbers of public worship. + +There is, for instance, the coughing brigade. If any individual right ought +to be maintained at all hazards, it is the right of coughing. There are +times when you must cough. There is an irresistible tickling in the throat +which demands audible demonstration. It is moved, seconded and unanimously +carried that those who have irritated windpipes be heard. But there are +ways with hand or handkerchief of breaking the repercussion. A smothered +cough is dignified and acceptable if you have nothing better to offer. But +how many audiences have had their peace sacrificed by unrestrained +expulsion of air through the glottis! After a sudden change in the weather, +there is a fearful charge made by the coughing brigade. They open their +mouths wide, and make the arches ring with the racket. They begin with a +faint "Ahem!" and gradually rise and fall through all the scale of +dissonance, as much as to say: "Hear, all ye good people! I have a cold! I +have a bad cold! I have an awful bad cold! Hear how it racks me, tears me, +torments me. It seems as if my diaphragm must be split. I took this awful +bad cold the other night. I added to it last Sunday. Hear how it goes off! +There it is again. Oh dear me! If I only had 'Brown's troches,' or the +syrup of squills, or a mustard plaster, or a woolen stocking turned wrong +side out around my neck!" Brethren and sisters who took cold by sitting in +the same draught join the clamor, and it is glottis to glottis, and +laryngitis to laryngitis, and a chorus of scrapings and explosions which +make the service hideous for a preacher of sensitive nerves. + +We have seen people under the pulpit coughing with their mouth so far open +we have been tempted to jump into it. There are some persons who have a +convenient ecclesiastical cough. It does not trouble them ordinarily; but +when in church you get them thoroughly cornered with some practical truth, +they smother the end of the sentences with a favorite paroxysm. There is a +man in our church who is apt to be taken with one of these fits just as the +contribution box comes to him, and cannot seem to get his breath again till +he hears the pennies rattling in the box behind him. Cough by all means, +but put on the brakes when you come to the down grade, or send the racket +through at least one fold of your pocket-handkerchief. + +Governor Wiseman went on further to say that the habits of the pulpit +sometimes annoyed him as much as the habits of the pew. The Governor said: +I cannot bear the "preliminaries" of religious service. + +By common consent the exercises in the churches going before the sermon are +called "preliminaries." The dictionary says that a "preliminary" is that +which precedes the main business. We do not think the sermon ought to be +considered the main business. When a pastor at the beginning of the first +prayer says "O God!" he has entered upon the most important duty of the +service. We would not depreciate the sermon, but we plead for more +attention to the "preliminaries." If a minister cannot get the attention of +the people for prayer or Bible reading, it is his own fault. Much of the +interest of a service depends upon how it is launched. + +The "preliminaries" are, for the most part, the time in which people in +church examine their neighbors' clothes. Milliners and tailors get the +advantage of the first three-quarters of an hour. The "preliminaries" are +the time to scrutinize the fresco, and look round to see who is there, and +get yourself generally fixed. + +This idea is fostered by home elocutionary professors who would have the +minister take the earlier exercises of the occasion to get his voice in +tune. You must not speak out at first. It is to be a private interview +between you and heaven. The people will listen to the low grumble, and +think it must be very good if they could only hear it. As for ourselves, we +refuse to put down our head in public prayer until we find out whether or +not we are going to be able to hear. Though you preach like an angel, you +will not say anything more important than that letter of St. Paul to the +Corinthians, or that Psalm of David which you have just now read to the +backs of the heads of the congregation. Laymen and ministers, speak out! +The opening exercises were not instituted to clear your voice, but to save +souls. If need be, squeeze a lemon and eat "Brown's troches" for the sake +of your voice before you go to church; but once there, make your first +sentence resonant and mighty for God. An hour and a half is short time +anyhow to get five hundred or five thousand people ready for heaven. It is +thought classic and elegant to have a delicate utterance, and that loud +tones are vulgar. But we never heard of people being converted by anything +they could not hear. It is said that on the Mount of Olives Christ opened +His mouth and taught them, by which we conclude He spake out distinctly. +God has given most Christians plenty of lungs, but they are too lazy to use +them. There are in the churches old people hard of hearing who, if the +exercises be not clear and emphatic, get no advantage save that of looking +at the blessed minister. + +People say in apology for their inaudible tones: "It is not the thunder +that kills, but the lightning." True enough; but I think that God thinks +well of the thunder or He would not use so much of it. First of all, make +the people hear the prayer and the chapter. If you want to hold up at all, +let it be on the sermon and the notices. Let the pulpit and all the pews +feel that there are no "preliminaries." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + +MASCULINE AND FEMININE. + + +There are men who suppose they have all the annoyances. They say it is the +store that ruffles the disposition; but if they could only stay at home as +do their wives, and sisters, and daughters, they would be, all the time, +sweet and fair as a white pond lily. Let some of the masculine lecturers on +placidity of temper try for one week the cares of the household and the +family. Let the man sleep with a baby on one arm all night, and one ear +open to the children with the whooping-cough in the adjoining apartment. +Let him see the tray of crockery and the cook fall down stairs, and nothing +saved but the pieces. Let the pump give out on a wash-day, and the stove +pipe, when too hot for handling, get dislocated. Let the pudding come out +of the stove stiff as a poker. Let the gossiping gabbler of next door come +in and tell all the disagreeable things that neighbors have been saying. +Let the lungs be worn out by staying indoors without fresh air, and the +needle be threaded with nerves exhausted. After one week's household +annoyances, he would conclude that Wall street is heaven and the clatter of +the Stock Exchange rich as Beethoven's symphony. + +We think Mary of Bethany a little to blame for not helping Martha get the +dinner. If women sympathize with men in the troubles of store and field, +let the men also sympathize with the women in the troubles of housekeeping. +Many a housewife has died of her annoyances. A bar of soap may become a +murderous weapon. The poor cooking stove has sometimes been the slow fire +on which the wife has been roasted. In the day when Latimer and Ridley are +honored before the universe as the martyrs of the fire, we do not think the +Lord will forget the long line of wives, mothers, daughters and sisters who +have been the martyrs of the kitchen. + +Accompanying masculine criticism of woman's temper goes the popular +criticism of woman's dress. + +A convention has recently been held in Vineland, attended by the women who +are opposed to extravagance in dress. They propose, not only by formal +resolution, but by personal example, to teach the world lessons of economy +by wearing less adornment and dragging fewer yards of silk. + +We wish them all success, although we would have more confidence in the +movement if so many of the delegates had not worn bloomer dress. Moses +makes war upon that style of apparel in Deuteronomy xxii. 5: "The woman +shall not wear that which pertaineth unto man." Nevertheless we favor every +effort to stop the extravagant use of dry goods and millinery. + +We have, however, no sympathy with the implication that women are worse +than men in this respect. Men wear all they can without interfering with +their locomotion, but man is such an awkward creature he cannot find any +place on his body to hang a great many fineries. He could not get round in +Wall street with eight or ten flounces, and a big-handled parasol, and a +mountain of back hair. Men wear less than women, not because they are more +moral, but because they cannot stand it. As it is, many of our young men +are padded to a superlative degree, and have corns and bunions on every +separate toe from wearing shoes too tight. + +Neither have we any sympathy with the implication that the present is +worse than the past in matters of dress. Compare the fashion plates of the +seventeenth century with the fashion plates of the nineteenth, and you +decide in favor of our day. The women of Isaiah's time beat anything now. +Do we have the kangaroo fashion Isaiah speaks of--the daughters who walked +with "stretched forth necks?" Talk of hoops! Isaiah speaks of women with +"round tires like the moon." Do we have hot irons for curling our hair? +Isaiah speaks of "wimples and crisping pins." Do we sometimes wear glasses +astride our nose, not because we are near-sighted, but for beautification? +Isaiah speaks of the "glasses, and the earrings, and the nose jewels." The +dress of to-day is far more sensible than that of a hundred or a thousand +years ago. + +But the largest room in the world is room for improvement, and we would +cheer on those who would attempt reformation either in male or female +attire. Meanwhile, we rejoice that so many of the pearls, and emeralds, and +amethysts, and diamonds of the world are coming in the possession of +Christian women. Who knows but that the spirit of ancient consecration may +some day come upon them, and it shall again be as it was in the time of +Moses, that for the prosperity of the house of the Lord the women may bring +their bracelets, and earrings, and tablets and jewels? The precious stones +of earth will never have their proper place till they are set around the +Pearl of Great Price. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + +LITERARY FELONY. + + +We have recently seen many elaborate discussions as to whether plagiarism +is virtuous or criminal--in other words, whether writers may steal. If a +minister can find a sermon better than any one he can make, why not preach +it? If an author can find a paragraph for his book better than any he can +himself manufacture, why not appropriate it? + +That sounds well. But why not go further and ask, if a woman find a set of +furs better than she has in her wardrobe, why not take them? If a man find +that his neighbor has a cow full Alderney, while he has in his own yard +only a scrawny runt, why not drive home the Alderney? Theft is taking +anything that does not belong to you, whether it be sheep, oxen, hats, +coats or literary material. + +Without attempting to point put the line that divides the lawful +appropriation of another's ideas from the appropriation of another's +phraseology, we have only to say that a literary man always knows when he +is stealing. Whether found out or not, the process is belittling, and a man +is through it blasted for this world and damaged for the next one. The ass +in the fable wanted to die because he was beaten so much, but after death +they changed his hide into a drum-head, and thus he was beaten more than +ever. So the plagiarist is so vile a cheat that there is not much chance +for him, living or dead. A minister who hopes to do good with each burglary +will no more be a successful ambassador to men than a foreign minister +despatched by our government to-day would succeed if he presented himself +at the court of St. James with the credentials that he stole from the +archives of those illustrious ex-ministers, James Buchanan or Benjamin +Franklin. + +What every minister needs is a fresh message that day from the Lord. We +would sell cheap all our parchments of licensure to preach. God gives his +ministers a license every Sabbath and a new message. He sends none of us +out so mentally poor that we have nothing to furnish but a cold hash of +other people's sermons. Our haystack is large enough for all the sheep that +come round it, and there is no need of our taking a single forkful from any +other barrack. By all means use all the books you can get at, but devour +them, chew them fine and digest them, till they become a part of the blood +and bone of your own nature. There is no harm in delivering an oration or +sermon belonging to some one else provided you so announce it. Quotation +marks are cheap, and let us not be afraid to use them. Do you know why +"quotation" marks are made up of four commas, two at the head of the +paragraph adopted and two at the close of it? Those four commas mean that +you should stop four times before you steal anything. + +If there were no question of morals involved, plagiarism is nevertheless +most perilous. There are a great many constables out for the arrest of such +defrauders. That stolen paragraph that you think will never be recognized +has been committed to memory by that old lady with green goggles in the +front pew. That very same brilliant passage you have just pronounced was +delivered by the clergyman who preached in that pulpit the Sabbath before: +two thieves met in one hen-roost. All we know of Doctor Hayward of Queen +Elizabeth's time is that he purloined from Tacitus. Be dishonest once in +this respect, and when you do really say something original and good the +world will cry out, "Yes, very fine! I always did like Joseph Addison!" + +Sermons are successful not according to the head involved in them, but +according to the heart implied, and no one can feel aright while preaching +a literary dishonesty. Let us be content to wear our own coat, though the +nap on it is not quite as well looking, to ride on our own horse, though he +do not gallop as gracefully and will "break up" when others are passing. +There is a work for us all to do, and God gives us just the best tools to +do it. What folly to be hankering after our neighbor's chalk line and +gimlet! + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + +LITERARY ABSTINENCE. + + +It is as much an art not to read as to read. With what pains, and thumps, +and whacks at school we first learned the way to put words together! + +We did not mind so much being whipped by the schoolmaster for not knowing +how to read our lesson, but to have to go out ourselves and cut the hickory +switch with which the chastisement was to be inflicted seemed to us then, +as it does now, a great injustice. + +Notwithstanding all our hard work in learning to read we find it quite as +hard now to learn how not to read. There are innumerable books and +newspapers from which one had better abstain. + +There are but very few newspapers which it is safe to read all through, +though we know of one that it is best to peruse from beginning to end, but +modesty forbids us stating which one that is. In this day readers need as +never before to carry a sieve. + +It requires some heroism to say you have not read such and such a book. +Your friend gives you a stare which implies your literary inferiority. Do +not, in order to answer the question affirmatively, wade through +indiscriminate slush. + +We have to say that three-fourths of the novels of the day are a mental +depletion to those who read them. The man who makes wholesale denunciation +of notion pitches overboard "Pilgrim's Progress" and the parables of our +Lord. But the fact is that some of the publishing houses that once were +cautious about the moral tone of their books have become reckless about +every thing but the number of copies sold. It is all the same to them +whether the package they send out be corn starch, jujube paste or +hellebore. They wrap up fifty copies and mark them C.O.D. But if the +expressman, according to that mark, should collect on delivery all the +curses that shall come on the head of the publishing house which printed +them, he would break down his wagon and kill his horses with the load. Let +parents and guardians be especially watchful. Have a quarantine at your +front door for all books and newspapers. Let the health doctor go abroad +and see whether there is any sickness there before you let it come to +wharfage. + +Whether young or old, be cautious about what you read in the newspapers. +You cannot day after day go through three columns of murder trial without +being a worse man than when you began. While you are trying to find out +whether Stokes was lying in wait for Fisk, Satan is lying in wait for you. +Skip that half page of divorce case. Keep out of the mud. The Burdell and +Sickles cases, through the unclean reading they afforded to millions of +people long ago, led their thousands into abandoned lives and pitched them +off the edge of a lost eternity. With so much healthful literature of all +sorts, there is no excuse for bringing your minds in contact with evil. If +there were a famine, there might be some reason for eating garbage, but the +land is full of bread. When we may, with our families, sit around the clean +warm fire-hearth of Christian knowledge, why go hunting in the ash barrels +for cinders? + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + +SHORT OR LONG PASTORATES. + + +The question is being discussed in many journals, "How long ought a +minister to stay in one place?" Clergymen and laymen and editors are +wagging tongue and pen on the subject--a most practical question and easy +to answer. Let a minister stay in a place till he gets done--that is, when +he has nothing more to say or do. + +Some ministers are such ardent students of the Bible and of men, they are +after a twenty-five years' residence in a parish so full of things that +ought to be said, that their resignation would be a calamity. Others get +through in three months and ought to go; but it takes an earthquake to get +them away. They must be moved on by committees, and pelted with +resolutions, stuck through with the needles of the ladies' sewing society, +and advised by neighboring ministers, and hauled up before presbyteries and +consociations; and after they have killed the church and killed themselves, +the pastoral relation is dissolved. + +We knew of a man who got a unanimous call. He wore the finest pair of +gaiters that ever went into that pulpit; and when he took up the Psalm book +to give out the song, it was the perfection of gracefulness. His tongue was +dipped in "balm of a thousand flowers," and it was like the roll of one of +Beethoven's symphonies to hear him read the hardest Bible names, Jechonias, +Zerubbabel and Tiglath-pileser. It was worth all the salary paid him to see +the way he lifted his pocket-handkerchief to his eyelids. + +But that brother, without knowing it, got through in six weeks. He had sold +out his entire stock of goods, and ought to have shut up shop. +Congregations enjoy flowers and well-folded pocket-handkerchiefs for +occasional desserts, but do not like them for a regular meal. The most +urbane elder was sent to the minister to intimate that the Lord was +probably calling him to some other field, but the elder was baffled by the +graciousness of his pastor, and unable to discharge his mission, and after +he had for an hour hemmed and hawed, backed out. + +Next, a woman with a very sharp tongue was sent to talk to the minister's +wife. The war-cloud thickened, the pickets were driven in, and then a +skirmish, and after a while all the batteries were opened, and each side +said that the other side lied, and the minister dropped his +pocket-handkerchief and showed his claws as long as those of Nebuchadnezzar +after he had been three years eating grass like an ox. We admire long +pastorates when it is agreeable to both parties, we know ministers who +boast they have been thirty years in one place, though all the world knows +they have been there twenty-nine years too long. Their congregations are +patiently waiting their removal to a higher latitude. Meanwhile, those +churches are like a man with chronic rheumatism, very quiet--not because +they admire rheumatism, but because there is no use kicking with a swollen +foot, since it would hurt them more than the object assaulted. + +If a pastorate can be maintained only through conflict or ecclesiastical +tyranny, it might better be abandoned. There are many ministers who go away +from their settlements before they ought, but we think there are quite as +many who do not go soon enough. A husband might just as well try to keep +his wife by choking her to death with a marriage ring as a minister to try +to keep a church's love by ecclesiastical violence. Study the best time to +quit. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + +AN EDITOR'S CHIP-BASKET. + + +On our way out the newspaper rooms we stumbled over the basket in which is +deposited the literary material we cannot use. The basket upset and +surprised us with its contents. On the top were some things that looked +like fifteen or twenty poems. People outside have no idea of the amount of +rhyme that comes to a printing office. The fact is that at some period in +every one's life he writes "poetry." His existence depends upon it. We +wrote ten or fifteen verses ourselves once. Had we not written them just +then and there, we might not be here. They were in long metre, and "Old +Hundred" would have fitted them grandly. + +Many people are seized with the poetic spasm when they are sick, and their +lines are apt to begin with. + + "O mortality! how frail art thou!" + +Others on Sabbath afternoons write Sabbath-school hymns, adding to the +batch of infinite nonsense that the children are compelled to swallow. For +others a beautiful curl is a corkscrew pulling out canto after canto. +Nine-tenths of the rhyme that comes to a printing office cannot be used. +You hear a rough tear of paper, and you look around to see the managing +editor adding to the responsibilities of his chip-basket. What a way that +is to treat incipient Tennysons and Longfellows! + +Next to the poetic effusions tumble out treatises on "constitutional law" +heavy enough to break the basket. We have noticed that after a man has got +so dull he can get no one willing to hear him he takes to profound +exposition. Out from the same chip-basket rolls a great pile of +announcements that people want put among the editorials, so as to save the +expense of the advertising column. They tell us the article they wish +recommended will have a highly beneficial effect upon the Church and world. +It is a religious churn, or a moral horse-rake, or a consecrated fly trap. +They almost get us crying over their new kind of grindstone, and we put the +letter down on the table while we get out our pocket-handkerchief, when our +assistant takes hold the document and gives it a ruthless rip, and pitches +it into the chip-basket. + +Next in the pile of torn and upset things is the speech of some one on the +momentous occasion of the presentation of a gold-headed cane, or silver +pitcher, or brass kettle for making preserves. It was "unexpected," a +"surprise" and "undeserved," and would "long be cherished." "Great +applause, and not a dry eye in the house," etc., etc. But there is not much +room in a paper for speeches. In this country everybody speaks. + +An American is in his normal condition when he is making a speech. He is +born with "fellow-citizens" in his mouth, and closes his earthly life by +saying, "One word more, and I have done." Speeches being so common, +newspaper readers do not want a large supply, and so many of these +utterances, intended to be immortal, drop into oblivion through that +inexhaustible reservoir, the editorial chip-basket. + +But there is a hovering of pathos over this wreck of matter. Some of these +wasted things were written for bread by intelligent wives with drunken +husbands trying to support their families with the pen. Over that mutilated +manuscript some weary man toiled until daybreak. How we wish we could have +printed what they wrote! Alas for the necessity that disappoints the +literary struggle of so many women and men, when it is ten dollars for that +article or children gone supperless to bed! + +Let no one enter the field of literature for the purpose of "making a +living" unless as a very last resort. There are thousands of persons to-day +starving to death with a steel pen in their hand. The story of Grub street +and poets living on thin soup is being repeated all over this land, +although the modern cases are not so conspicuous. Poverty is no more +agreeable because classical and set in hexameters. The hungry author cannot +breakfast on "odes to summer." On this, cold day how many of the literati +are shivering! Martyrs have perished in the fire, but more persons have +perished for lack of fire. Let no editor through hypercriticism of +contributed articles add to this educated suffering. + +What is that we hear in the next room? It is the roar of a big fire as it +consumes unavailable literary material--epics, sonnets, homilies, +tractates, compilations, circulars, dissertations. Some of them were +obscure, and make a great deal of smoke. Some of them were merry, and +crackle. All of them have ended their mission and gone down, ashes to ashes +and dust to dust. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + +THE MANHOOD OF SERVICE. + + +At the Crawford House, White Mountains, we noticed, one summer, unusual +intelligence and courtesy on the part of those who served the tables. We +found out that many of them were students from the colleges and +seminaries--young men and women who had taken this mode of replenishing +their purses and getting the benefit of mountain air. We felt like +applauding them. We have admiration for those who can be independent of the +oppressive conventionalities of society. May not all of us practically +adopt the Christian theory that any work is honorable that is useful? The +slaves of an ignominious pride, how many kill themselves earning a living! +We have tens of thousands of women in our cities, sitting in cold rooms, +stabbing their life out with their needles, coughing their lungs into +tubercles and suffering the horrors of the social inquisition, for whom +there waits plenty of healthy, happy homes in the country, if they could +only, like these sons and daughters of Dartmouth and Northampton, consent +to serve. We wish some one would explain to us how a sewing machine is any +more respectable than a churn, or a yard stick is better than a pitchfork. +We want a new Declaration of Independence, signed by all the laboring +classes. There is plenty of work for all kinds of people, if they were not +too proud to do it. Though the country is covered with people who can find +nothing to do, we would be willing to open a bureau to-morrow, warranting +to give to all the unemployed of the land occupation, if they would only +consent to do what might be assigned them. We believe anything is more +honorable than idleness. + +During very hard times two Italian artists called at our country home, +asking if we did not want some sketching done, and they unrolled some +elegant pictures, showing their fine capacity. We told them we had no +desire for sketches, but we had a cistern to clean, and would pay them well +for doing it. Off went their coats, and in a few hours the work was done +and their wages awarded. How much more honorable for them to do what they +could get to do rather than to wait for more adapted employment! + +Why did not the girls of Northampton spend their summers embroidering +slippers or hemming handkerchiefs, and thus keep at work unobserved and +more popular? Because they were not fools. They said: "Let us go up and see +Mount Adams, and the Profile, and Mount Washington. We shall have to work +only five hours a day, and all the time we will be gathering health and +inspiration." Young men, those are the girls to seek when you want a wife, +rather than the wheezing victims of ruinous work chosen because it is more +popular. About the last thing we would want to marry is a medicine-chest. +Why did not the students of Dartmouth, during their vacation, teach school? +First, because teaching is a science, and they did not want to do three +months of damage to the children of the common school. Secondly, because +they wanted freedom from books as man makes them, and opportunity to open +the ponderous tome of boulder and strata as God printed them. Churches and +scientific institutions, these will be the men to call--brawny and +independent, rather than the bilious, short-breathed, nerveless graduates +who, too proud to take healthful recreation, tumble, at commencement day, +into the lap of society so many Greek roots. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + +BALKY PEOPLE. + + +Passing along a country road quite recently, we found a man, a horse and +wagon in trouble. The vehicle was slight and the road was good, but the +horse refused to draw, and his driver was in a bad predicament. He had +already destroyed his whip in applying inducements to progress in travel. +He had pulled the horse's ears with a sharp string. He had backed him into +the ditch. He had built a fire of straw underneath him, the only result a +smashed dash-board. The chief effect of the violences and cruelties applied +was to increase the divergency of feeling between the brute and his master. +We said to the besweated and outraged actor in the scene that the best +thing for him to do was to let his horse stand for a while unwhipped and +uncoaxed, setting some one to watch him while he, the driver, went away to +cool off. We learned that the plan worked admirably; that the cold air, and +the appetite for oats, and the solitude of the road, favorable for +contemplation, had made the horse move for adjournment to some other place +and time; and when the driver came up, he had but to take up the reins, and +the beast, erst so obstinate, dashed down the road at a perilous speed. + +There is not as much difference between horses and men as you might +suppose. The road between mind and equine instinct is short and soon +traveled. The horse is sometimes superior to his rider. If anything is good +and admirable in proportion as it answers the end of its being, then the +horse that bends into its traces before a Fourth avenue car is better than +its blaspheming driver. He who cannot manage a horse cannot manage a man. + +We know of pastors who have balky parishioners. When any important move is +to take place, and all the other horses of the team are willing to draw, +they lay themselves back in the harness. + +First the pastor pats the obstreperous elder or deacon on the neck and +tells him how much he thinks of him. This only makes him shake his mane and +grind his bit. He will die first before he consents to such a movement. +Next, he is pulled by the ear, with a good many sharp insinuations as to +his motives for holding back. Fires of indignation are built under him for +the purpose of consuming his balkiness. He is whipped with the scourge of +public opinion, but this only makes him kick fiercely and lie harder in the +breeching-straps. He is backed down into the ditch of scorn and contempt, +but still is not willing to draw an ounce. O foolish minister, trying in +that way to manage a balky parishioner! Let him alone. Go on and leave him +there. Pay less attention to the horse that balks, and give more oats to +those that pull. Leave him out in the cold. Some day you will come back and +find him glad to start. At your first advance he will arch his neck, paw +his hoof, bend into the bit, stiffen the traces and dash on. We have the +same prescription for balky horses and men: for a little while let them +alone. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + +ANONYMOUS LETTERS. + + +In boyhood days we were impressed with the fertility of a certain author +whose name so often appeared in the spelling books and readers, styled +Anon. He seemed to write more than Isaac Watts, or Shakespeare, or Blair. +In the index, and scattered throughout all our books, was the name of Anon. +He appeared in all styles of poetry and prose and dialogue. We wondered +where he lived, what his age was, and how he looked, it was not until quite +late in boyhood that we learned that Anon was an abbreviation for +anonymous, and that he was sometimes the best saint and at other times the +most extraordinary villain. + +After centuries of correspondence old Anonymous is as fertile of thought +and brain and stratagem as ever, and will probably keep on writing till the +last fire burns up his pen and cracks to pieces his ink bottle. Anonymous +letters sometimes have a mission of kindness and gratitude and good cheer. +Genuine modesty may sometimes hide the name of an epistolary author or +authoress. It may be a "God bless you" from some one who thinks herself +hardly in a position to address you. It may be the discovery of a plot for +your damage, in which the revelator does not care to take the +responsibility of a witness. It may be any one of a thousand things that +mean frankness and delicacy and honor and Christian principle. We have +received anonymous letters which we have put away among our most sacred +archives. + +But we suppose every one chiefly associates the idea of anonymous +communications with everything cowardly and base. There are in all +neighborhoods perfidious, sneaking, dastardly, filthy, calumnious, +vermin-infested wretches, spewed up from perdition, whose joy it is to +write letters with fictitious signatures. Sometimes they take the shape of +a valentine, the fourteenth of February being a great outlet for this +obscene spawn. If your nose be long, or your limbs slender, or your waist +thick around, they will be pictorially presented. Sometimes they take the +form of a delicate threat that if you do not thus or so there will be a +funeral at your house, yourself the chief object of interest. Sometimes +they will be denunciatory of your friends. Once being called to preside at +a meeting for the relief of the sewing women of Philadelphia, and having +been called in the opening speech to say something about oppressive +contractors, we received some twenty anonymous letters, the purport of +which was that it would be unsafe for us to go out of doors after dark. +Three months after moving to Brooklyn we preached a sermon reviewing one of +the sins of the city, and anonymous letters came saying that we would not +last six months in the city of churches. + +Sometimes the anonymous crime takes the form of a newspaper article; and if +the matter be pursued, the editor-in-chief puts it off on the managing +editor, and the managing editor upon the book critic, and the book critic +upon the reporter. + +Whether Adam or Eve or the serpent was the most to be blamed for the +disappearance of the fair apple of reputation is uncertain; the only thing +you can be sure of is that the apple is gone. No honest man will ever write +a thing for a newspaper, in editorial or any other column, that he would be +ashamed to sign with the Christian name that his mother had him baptized +with. They who go skulking about under the editorial "we," unwilling to +acknowledge their identity, are more fit for Delaware whipping-posts than +the position of public educators. It is high time that such hounds were +muzzled. + +Let every young man know that when he is tempted to pen anything which +requires him to disguise his handwriting he is in fearful danger. You +despoil your own nature by such procedure more than you can damage any one +else. Bowie-knife and dagger are more honorable than an anonymous pen +sharpened for defamation of character. Better try putting strychnine in the +flour barrel. Better mix ratsbane in the jelly cake. That behavior would be +more elegant and Christian. + +After much observation we have fixed upon this plan: If any one writes us +in defamation of another, we adopt the opposite theory. If the letter says +that the assaulted one lies, we take it as eulogistic of his veracity; or +that he is unchaste, we set him down as pure; or fraudulent, we are seized +with a desire to make him our executor. We do so on logical and +unmistakable grounds. A defamatory letter is from the devil or his +satellites. The devil hates only the good. The devil hates Mr. A; ergo, Mr. +A is good. + +Much of the work of the day of judgment will be with the authors of +anonymous letters. The majority of other crimes against society were found +out, but these creatures so disguised their handwriting in the main text of +the letter, or so willfully misspelled the direction on the envelope, and +put it in such a distant post-office, and looked so innocent when you met +them, that it shall be for the most part a dead secret till the books are +opened; and when that is done, we do not think these abandoned souls will +wait to have their condemnation read, but, ashamed to meet the +announcement, will leap pell-mell into the pit, crying, "We wrote them." + +If, since the world stood, there have been composed and sent off by mail or +private postmen 1,600,378 anonymous letters derogatory of character, then +1,600,378 were vicious and damnable. If you are compelled to choose between +writing a letter with false signature vitriolic of any man's integrity or +any woman's honor on the one hand, and the writing a letter with a red-hot +nail dipped in adder's poison on a sheet woven of leper scales, choose the +latter. It were healthier, nobler, and could better endure the test of +man's review and God's scrutiny. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + +BRAWN OR BRAIN. + + +Governor Wiseman (our oracular friend who talked in the style of an +oration) was with us this evening at the tea-table, and we were mentioning +the fact that about thirty colleges last summer in the United States +contested for the championship in boat-racing. About two hundred thousand +young ladies could not sleep nights, so anxious were they to know whether +Yale or Williams would be the winner. The newspapers gave three and four +columns to the particulars, the telegraph wires thrilled the victory to all +parts of the land. Some of the religions papers condemned the whole affair, +enlarging upon the strained wrists, broken blood-vessels and barbaric +animalism of men who ought to have been rowing their race with the Binomial +Theorem for one oar and Kames' Elements of Criticism for the other. + +For the most part, we sympathized with the boys, and confess that at our +hotel we kept careful watch of the bulletin to see whose boat came in +ahead. We are disposed to applaud anything that will give our young men +muscular development. Students have such a tendency to lounge, and mope, +and chew, and eat almond-nuts at midnight, and read novels after they go to +bed, the candlestick set up on Webster's dictionary or the Bible, that we +prize anything that makes them cautious about their health, as they must be +if they would enter the list of contestants. How many of our country boys +enter the freshman class of college in robust health, which lasts them +about a twelvemonth; then in the sophomore they lose their liver; in the +junior they lose their stomach; in the senior they lose their back bone; +graduating skeletons, more fit for an anatomical museum than the bar or +pulpit. + +"Midnight oil," so much eulogized, is the poorest kind of kerosene. Where +hard study kills one student, bad habits kill a hundred. Kirk White, while +at Cambridge, wrote beautiful hymns; but if he had gone to bed at ten +o'clock that night instead of three o'clock the next morning, he would have +been of more service to the world and a healthier example to all +collegians. Much of the learning of the day is morbid, and much of the +religion bilious. We want, first of all, a clean heart, and next a strong +stomach. Falling from grace is often chargeable to derangement of gastric +juices. Oar and bat may become salutary weapons. + +But, after all, there was something wrong about those summer boat-races. A +student with a stout arm, and great girth, and full chest, and nothing +else, is not at all admirable. Mind and body need to be driven tandem, the +body for the wheel horse and the intellect the leader. We want what is now +proposed in some directions--a grand collegiate literary race. Let the +mental contest be on the same week with the muscular. Let Yale and Harvard +and Williams and Princeton and Dartmouth see who has the champion among +scholars. Let there be a Waterloo in belles-lettres and rhetoric and +mathematics and philosophy. Let us see whether the students of Doctors +McCosh, or Porter, or Campbell, or Smith are most worthy to wear the belt. +About twelve o'clock at noon let the literary flotilla start prow and prow, +oar-lock and oar-lock. Let Helicon empty its waters to swell the river of +knowledge on which they row. Right foot on right rib of the boat, and left +foot on the left rib--bend into it, my hearties, bend!--and our craft come +out four lengths ahead. + +Give the brain a chance as well as the arm. Do not let the animal eat up +the soul. Let the body be the well-fashioned hulk, and the mind the white +sails, all hoisted, everything, from flying jib to spanker, bearing on +toward the harbor of glorious achievement. When that boat starts, we want +to be on the bank to cheer, and after sundown help fill the air with +sky-rockets. + +"By the way," I said, "Governor Wiseman, do you not think that we need more +out-door exercise, and that contact with the natural world would have a +cheering tendency? Governor, do you ever have the blues?" + +The governor, putting his knife across the plate and throwing his +spectacles up on his forehead, replied: + +Almost every nature, however sprightly, sometimes will drop into a minor +key, or a subdued mood that in common parlance is recognized as "the +blues." There may be no adverse causes at work, but somehow the bells of +the soul stop ringing, and you feel like sitting quiet, and you strike off +fifty per cent from all your worldly and spiritual prospects. The immediate +cause may be a northeast wind, or a balky liver, or an enlarged spleen, or +pickled oysters at twelve o'clock the night before. + +In such depressed state no one can afford to sit for an hour. First of all +let him get up and go out of doors. Fresh air, and the faces of cheerful +men, and pleasant women, and frolicsome children, will in fifteen minutes +kill moping. The first moment your friend strikes the keyboard of your soul +it will ring music. A hen might as well try on populous Broadway to hatch +out a feathery group as for a man to successfully brood over his ills in +lively society. Do not go for relief among those who feel as badly as you +do. Let not toothache, and rheumatism, and hypochondria go to see +toothache, rheumatism and hypochondria. On one block in Brooklyn live a +doctor, an undertaker and a clergyman. That is not the row for a nervous +man to walk on, lest he soon need all three. Throw back all the shutters of +your soul and let the sunlight of genial faces shine in. + +Besides that, why sit ye here with the blues, ye favored sons and daughters +of men? Shone upon by such stars, and breathed on by such air, and sung to +by so many pleasant sounds, you ought not to be seen moping. Especially if +light from the better world strikes its aurora through your night sky, +ought you be cheerful. You can afford to have a rough luncheon by the way +if it is soon to end amid the banqueters in white. Sailing toward such a +blessed port, do not have your flag at half mast. Leave to those who take +too much wine "the gloomy raven tapping at the chamber door, on the night's +Plutonian shore," and give us the robin red-breast and the chaffinch. Let +some one with a strong voice give out the long-metre doxology, and the +whole world "Praise God, from whom all blessings flow." + +"But do you not suppose, Governor Wiseman, that every man has his irritated +days?" + +Yes, yes, responded the governor. There are times when everything seems to +go wrong. From seven o'clock a.m. till ten p.m. affairs are in a twist. You +rise in the morning, and the room is cold, and a button is off, and the +breakfast is tough, and the stove smokes, and the pipes burst, and you +start down the street nettled from head to foot. All day long things are +adverse. Insinuations, petty losses, meanness on the part of customers. The +ink bottle upsets and spoils the carpet. Some one gives a wrong turn to +the damper, and the gas escapes. An agent comes in determined to insure +your life, when it is already insured for more than it is worth, and you +are afraid some one will knock you on the head to get the price of your +policy; but he sticks to you, showing you pictures of old Time and the +hour-glass, and Death's scythe and a skeleton, making it quite certain that +you will die before your time unless you take out papers in his company. +Besides this, you have a cold in your head, and a grain of dirt in your +eye, and you are a walking uneasiness. The day is out of joint, and no +surgeon can set it. + +The probability is that if you would look at the weather-vane you would +find that the wind is northeast, and you might remember that you have lost +much sleep lately. It might happen to be that you are out of joint instead +of the day. Be careful and not write many letters while you are in that +irritated mood. You will pen some things that you will be sorry for +afterward. + +Let us remember that these spiked nettles of life are part of our +discipline. Life would get nauseating if it were all honey. That table +would be poorly set that had on it nothing but treacle. We need a little +vinegar, mustard, pepper and horse-radish that brings the tears even when +we do not feel pathetic. If this world were all smoothness, we would never +be ready for emigration to a higher and better. Blustering March and +weeping April prepare us for shining May. This world is a poor hitching +post. Instead of tying fast on the cold mountains, we had better whip up +and hasten on toward the warm inn where our good friends are looking out of +the window, watching to see us come up. + +Interrupting the governor at this point, we asked him if he did not think +that rowing, ball playing and other athletic exercises might be made an +antidote to the morbid religion that is sometimes manifest. The governor +replied: + +No doubt much of the Christian character of the day lacks in swarthiness +and power. It is gentle enough, and active enough, and well meaning enough, +but is wanting in moral muscle. It can sweetly sing at a prayer meeting, +and smile graciously when it is the right time to smile, and makes an +excellent nurse to pour out with steady hand a few drops of peppermint for +a child that feels disturbances under the waistband, but has no +qualification for the robust Christian work that is demanded. + +One reason for this is the ineffable softness of much of what is called +Christian literature. The attempt is to bring us up on tracts made up of +thin exhortations and goodish maxims. A nerveless treatise on commerce or +science in that style would be crumpled up by the first merchant and thrown +into his waste-basket. Religious twaddle is of no more use than worldly +twaddle. If a man has nothing to say, he had better keep his pen wiped and +his tongue still. There needs an infusion of strong Anglo-Saxon into +religious literature, and a brawnier manliness and more impatience with +insipidity, though it be prayerful and sanctimonious. He who stands with +irksome repetitions asking people to "Come to Jesus," while he gives no +strong common-sense reason why they should come, drives back the souls of +men. If, with all the thrilling realities of eternity at hand, a man has +nothing to write which can gather up and master the thoughts and feelings +of men, his writing and speaking are a slander on the religion which he +wishes to eulogize. + +Morbidity in religion might be partially cured by more out-door exercise. +There are some duties we can perform better on our feet than on our knees. +If we carry the grace of God with us down into every-day practical +Christian work, we will get more spiritual strength in five minutes than by +ten hours of kneeling. If Daniel had not served God save when three times a +day he worshiped toward the temple, the lions would have surely eaten him +up. The school of Christ is as much out-of-doors as in-doors. Hard, rough +work for God will develop an athletic soul. Religion will not conquer +either the admiration or the affections of men by effeminacy, but by +strength. Because the heart is soft is no reason why the head should be +soft. The spirit of genuine religion is a spirit of great power. When +Christ rides in apocalyptic vision, it is not on a weak and stupid beast, +but on a horse--emblem of majesty and strength: "And he went forth +conquering and to conquer." + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + +WARM-WEATHER RELIGION. + + +It takes more grace to be an earnest and useful Christian in summer than in +any other season. The very destitute, through lack of fuel and thick +clothing, may find the winter the trying season, but those comfortably +circumstanced find summer the Thermopylæ that tests their Christian courage +and endurance. + +The spring is suggestive of God and heaven and a resurrection day. That eye +must be blind that does not see God's footstep in the new grass, and hear +His voice in the call of the swallow at the eaves. In the white blossoms of +the orchards we find suggestion of those whose robes have been made white +in the blood of the Lamb. A May morning is a door opening into heaven. + +So autumn mothers a great many moral and religious suggestions. The season +of corn husking, the gorgeous woods that are becoming the catafalque of the +dead year, remind the dullest of his own fading and departure. + +But summer fatigues and weakens, and no man keeps his soul in as desirable +a frame unless by positive resolution and especial implorations. Pulpit and +pew often get stupid together, and ardent devotion is adjourned until +September. + +But who can afford to lose two months out of each year, when the years are +so short and so few? He who stops religious growth in July and August will +require the next six months to get over it. Nay, he never recovers. At the +season when the fields are most full of leafage and life let us not be +lethargic and stupid. + +Let us remember that iniquity does not cease in summer-time. She never +takes a vacation. The devil never leaves town. The child of want, living up +that dark alley, has not so much fresh air nor sees as many flowers as in +winter-time. In cold weather the frost blossoms on her window pane, and the +snow falls in wreaths in the alley. God pity the wretchedness that pants +and sweats and festers and dies on the hot pavements and in the suffocating +cellars of the town! + +Let us remember that our exit from this world will more probably be in the +summer than in any other season, and we cannot afford to die at a time when +we are least alert and worshipful. At mid-summer the average of departures +is larger than in cool weather. The sun-strokes, the dysenteries, the +fevers, the choleras, have affinity for July and August. On the edge of +summer Death stands whetting his scythe for a great harvest. We are most +careful to have our doors locked, and our windows fastened, and our +"burglar alarm" set at times when thieves are most busy, and at a season of +the year when diseases are most active in their burglaries of life we need +to be ready. + +Our charge, therefore, is, make no adjournment of your religion till cool +weather. Whether you stay in town, or seek the farm house, or the +sea-shore, or the mountains, be faithful in prayer, in Bible reading and in +attendance upon Christian ordinances. He who throws away two months of life +wastes that for which many a dying sinner would have been willing to give +all his possessions when he found that the harvest was past and the summer +was ended. + +The thermometer to-day has stood at a high mark. The heat has been fierce. +As far as possible people have kept within doors or walked on the shady +side of the street. But we can have but a faint idea of what the people +suffer crossing a desert or in a tropical clime. The head faints, the +tongue swells and deathly sickness comes upon the whole body when long +exposed to the summer sun. I see a whole caravan pressing on through the +hot sands. "Oh," say the camel-drivers, "for water and shade!" At last they +see an elevation against the sky. They revive at the eight and push on. +That which they saw proves to be a great rock, and camels and drivers throw +themselves down under the long shadow. Isaiah, who lived and wrote in a +scorching climate, draws his figure from what he had seen and felt when he +represents God as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land. + +Many people have found this world a desert-march. They go half consumed of +trouble all their days. But glory be to God! we are not turned out on a +desert to die. Here is the long, cool, certain, refreshing shadow of the +Lord. + +A tree, when in full leafage, drops a great deal of refreshment; but in a +little while the sun strikes through, and you keep shifting your position, +until, after a while, the sun is set at such a point that you have no shade +at all. But go in the heart of some great rock, such as you see in Yosemite +or the Alps, and there is everlasting shadow. There has been thick shade +there for six thousand years, and will be for the next six thousand. So our +divine Rock, once covering us, always covers us. The same yesterday, to-day +and for ever! always good, always kind, always sympathetic! You often hold +a sunshade over your head passing along the road or a street; but after a +while your arm gets tired, and the very effort to create the shadow makes +you weary. But the rock in the mountains, with fingers of everlasting +stone, holds its own shadow. So God's sympathy needs no holding up from us. +Though we are too weak from sickness or trouble to do anything but lie +down, over us He stretches the shadow of His benediction. + +It is our misfortune that we mistake God's shadow for the night. If a man +come and stand between you and the sun, his shadow falls upon you. So God +sometimes comes and stands between us and worldly successes, and His shadow +falls upon us, and we wrongly think that it is night. As a father in a +garden stoops down to kiss his child the shadow of his body falls upon it; +and so many of the dark misfortunes of our life are not God going away from +us, but our heavenly Father stooping down to give us the kiss of His +infinite and everlasting love. It is the shadow of a sheltering Rock, and +not of a devouring lion. + +Instead of standing right out in the blistering noon-day sun of earthly +trial and trouble, come under the Rock. You may drive into it the longest +caravan of disasters. Room for the suffering, heated, sunstruck, dying, of +all generations, in the shadow of the great Rock: + + "Rock of ages, cleft for me, + Let me hide myself in Thee." + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + +HIDING EGGS FOR EASTER. + + +Those who were so unfortunate as to have been born and brought up in the +city know nothing about that chapter in a boy's history of which I speak. + +About a month before Easter there comes to the farmhouse a scarcity of +eggs. The farmer's wife begins to abuse the weasels and the cats as the +probable cause of the paucity. The feline tribe are assaulted with many a +harsh "Scat!" on the suspicion of their fondness for omelets in the raw. +Custards fail from the table. The Dominick hens are denounced as not worth +their mush. Meanwhile, the boys stand round the corner in a broad grin at +what is the discomfiture of the rest of the family. + +The truth must be told that the boys, in anticipation of Easter, have, in +some hole in the mow or some barrel in the wagon-house, been hiding eggs. +If the youngsters understand their business, they will compromise the +matter, and see that at least a small supply goes to the house every day. +Too great greed on the part of the boy will discover the whole plot, and +the charge will be made: "De Witt, I believe you are hiding the eggs!" +Forthwith the boy is collared and compelled to disgorge his possessions. + +Now, there is nothing more trying to a boy than, after great care in +accumulating these shelly resources, to have to place them in a basket and +bring them forth to the light two weeks before Easter. Boys, therefore, +manage with skill and dexterity. At this season of the year you see them +lurking much about the hayrick and the hay-loft. You see them crawling out +from stacks of straw and walking away rapidly with their hands behind them. +They look very innocent, for I have noticed that the look of innocence in +boys is proportioned to the amount of mischief with which they are stuffed. +They seem to be determined to risk their lives on mow-poles where the hay +lies thin. They come out from under the stable floor in a despicable state +of toilet, and cannot give any excuse for their depreciation of apparel. +Hens flutter off the nest with an unusual squawk, for the boys cannot wait +any longer for the slow process of laying, and hens have no business to +stand in the way of Easter. The most tedious hours of my boyhood were spent +in waiting for a hen to get off her nest. No use to scare her off, for then +she will get mad, and just as like as not take the egg with her. Indeed, I +think the boy is excusable for his haste if his brother has a dozen eggs +and he has only eleven. + +At this season of the year the hens are melancholy. They want to hatch, but +how can they? They have the requisite disposition, and the capacity, and +the feathers, and the nest, and everything but the eggs. With that deficit, +they sometimes sit obstinately and defy the boy's approaches. Many a boy +has felt the sharp bill of old Dominick strike the back of his hand, +inflicting a wound that would have roused up the whole farmhouse to see +what was the matter had it not been that the boy wanted to excite no +suspicion as to the nature of his expedition. Immediately over the hen's +head comes the boy's cap, and there is a scatteration of feathers all over +the hay-mow, and the boy is victor. + +But at last the evening before Easter comes. While the old people are on +the piazza the children come in with the accumulated treasures of many +weeks, and put down the baskets. Eggs large and small, white-shelled and +brown, Cochin-Chinas and Brahmapooters. The character of the hens is +vindicated. The cat may now lie in the sun without being kicked by false +suspicions. The surprised exclamation of parents more than compensates the +boys for the strategy of long concealment. The meanest thing in the world +is for father and mother not to look surprised in such circumstances. + +It sometimes happens that, in the agitation of bringing the eggs into the +household harbor, the boy drops the hat or the basket, and the whole +enterprise is shipwrecked. From our own experience, it is very difficult to +pick up eggs after you have once dropped them. You have found the same +experience in after life. Your hens laid a whole nestful of golden eggs on +Wall street. You had gathered them up. You were bringing them in. You +expected a world of congratulations, but just the day before the +consummation, something adverse ran against you, and you dropped the +basket, and the eggs broke. Wise man were you if, instead of sitting down +to cry or attempting to gather up the spilled yolks, you built new nests +and invited a new laying. + +It is sometimes found on Easter morning that the eggs have been kept too +long. The boy's intentions were good enough, but the enterprise had been +too protracted, and the casting out of the dozen was sudden and +precipitate. Indeed, that is the trouble with some older boys I wot of. +They keep their money, or their brain, or their influence hidden till it +rots. They are not willing to come forth day by day on a humble mission, +doing what little good they may, but are keeping themselves hidden till +some great Easter-day of triumph, and then they will astonish the Church +and the world; but they find that faculties too long hidden are faculties +ruined. Better for an egg to have succeeded in making one plain cake for a +poor man's table than to have failed in making a banquet for the House of +Lords. + +That was a glad time when on Easter morning the eggs went into the +saucepan, and came out striped, and spotted, and blue, and yellow, and the +entire digestive capacity of the children was tested. You have never had +anything so good to eat since. You found the eggs. You hid them. They were +your contribution to the table. Since then you have seen eggs scrambled, +eggs poached, eggs in omelet, eggs boiled, eggs done on one side and eggs +in a nog, but you shall never find anything like the flavor of that Easter +morning in boyhood. + +Alas for the boys in town! Easter comes to them on stilts, and they buy +their eggs out of the store. There is no room for a boy to swing round. +There is no good place in town to fly a kite, or trundle a hoop, or even +shout without people's throwing up the window to see who is killed. The +holidays are robbed of half their life because some wiseacre will persist +in telling him who Santa Claus is, while yet he is hanging up his first +pair of stockings. Here the boy pays half a dollar for a bottle of perfume +as big as his finger, when out of town, for nothing but the trouble of +breathing it, he may smell a country full of new-mown hay and wild +honeysuckle. In a painted bath-tub he takes his Saturday bath careful lest +he hit his head against the spigot, while in the meadow-brook the boys +plunge in wild glee, and pluck up health and long life from the pebbly +bottom. Oh, the joy in the spring day, when, after long teasing of mother +to let you take off your shoes, you dash out on the cool grass barefoot, or +down the road, the dust curling about the instep in warm enjoyment, and, +henceforth, for months, there shall be no shoes to tie or blacken. + +Let us send the boys out into the country every year for an airing. If +their grandfather and grandmother be yet alive, they will give them a good +time. They will learn in a little while the mysteries of the hay-mow, how +to drive oxen and how to keep Easter. They will take the old people back to +the time when you yourself were a boy. There will be for the grandson an +extra cake in each oven. And grandfather and grandmother will sit and watch +the prodigy, and wonder if any other family ever had such grandchildren. It +will be a good thing when the evenings are short, and the old folks' +eyesight is somewhat dim, if you can set up in their house for a little +while one or two of these lights of childhood. For the time the aches and +pains of old age will be gone, and they will feel as lithe and merry as +when sixty years ago they themselves rummaged hayrick, and mow and +wagon-house, hiding eggs for Easter. + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + +SINK OR SWIM. + + +We entered the ministry with a mortal horror of extemporaneous speaking. +Each week we wrote two sermons and a lecture all out, from the text to the +amen. We did not dare to give out the notice of a prayer-meeting unless it +was on paper. We were a slave to manuscript, and the chains were galling; +and three months more of such work would have put us in the graveyard. We +resolved on emancipation. The Sunday night was approaching when we expected +to make violent rebellion against this bondage of pen and paper. We had an +essay about ten minutes long on some Christian subject, which we proposed +to preach as an introduction to the sermon, resolved, at the close of that +brief composition, to launch out on the great sea of extemporaneousness. + +It so happened that the coming Sabbath night Was to be eventful in the +village. The trustees of the church had been building a gasometer back of +the church, and the night I speak of the building was for the first time to +be lighted in the modern way. The church was, of course, crowded--not so +much to hear the preacher as to see how the gas would burn. Many were +unbelieving, and said that there would be an explosion, or a big fire, or +that in the midst of the service the lights would go out. Several brethren +disposed to hang on to old customs declared that candles and oil were the +only fit material for lighting a church, and they denounced the innovation +as indicative of vanity on the part of the new-comers. They used oil in the +ancient temple, and it was that which ran down on Aaron's beard, and +anything that was good enough for the whiskers of an old-time priest was +good enough for a country meeting-house. These sticklers for the oil were +present that night, hoping--and I think some of them secretly praying--that +the gas might go out. + +With our ten-minute manuscript we went into the pulpit, all in a tremor. +Although the gas did not burn as brightly as its friends had hoped, still +it was bright enough to show the people the perspiration that stood in +beads on our forehead. We began our discourse, and every sentence gave us +the feeling that we were one step nearer the gallows. We spoke very slowly, +so as to make the ten-minute notes last fifteen minutes. During the +preachment of the brief manuscript we concluded that we had never been +called to the ministry. We were in a hot bath of excitement. People noticed +our trepidation, and supposed it was because we were afraid the gas would +go out. Alas! our fear was that it would not go out. As we came toward the +close of our brief we joined the anti-gas party, and prayed that before we +came to the last written line something would burst, and leave us in the +darkness. Indeed, we discovered an encouraging flicker amid the burners, +which gave us the hope that the brief which lay before us would be long +enough for all practical purposes, and that the hour of execution might be +postponed to some other night. As we came to the sentence next to the last +the lights fell down to half their size, and we could just manage to see +the audience as they were floating away from our vision. We said to +ourselves, "Why can't these lights be obliging, and go out entirely?" The +wish was gratified. As we finished the last line of our brief, and stood on +the verge of rhetorical destruction, the last glimmer of light was +extinguished. "It is impossible to proceed," we cried out; "receive the +benediction!" + +We crawled down the pulpit in a state of exhilaration; we never before saw +such handsome darkness. The odor of the escaping gas was to us like "gales +from Araby." Did a frightened young man ever have such fortunate +deliverance? The providence was probably intended to humble the trustees, +yet the scared preacher took advantage of it. + +But after we got home we saw the wickedness of being in such dread. As the +Lord got us out of that predicament, we resolved never again to be cornered +in one similar. Forthwith the thralldom was broken, we hope never again to +be felt. How demeaning that a man with a message from the Lord Almighty +should be dependent upon paper-mills and gasometers! Paper is a +non-conductor of gospel electricity. If a man have a five-thousand-dollar +bill of goods to sell a customer, he does not go up to the purchaser and +say, "I have some remarks to make to you about these goods, but just wait +till I get out my manuscript." Before he got through reading the argument +the customer would be in the next door, making purchases from another +house. + +What cowardice! Because a few critical hearers sit with lead-pencils out to +mark down the inaccuracies of extemporaneousness, shall the pulpit cower? +If these critics do not repent, they will go to hell, and take their +lead-pencils with them. While the great congregation are ready to take the +bread hot out of the oven shall the minister be crippled in his work +because the village doctor or lawyer sits carping before him? To please a +few learned ninnies a thousand ministers sit writing sermons on Saturday +night till near the break of day, their heads hot, their feet cold, and +their nerves a-twitch. Sermons born on Saturday night are apt to have the +rickets. Instead of cramping our chests over writing-desks, and being the +slaves of the pen, let us attend to our physical health, that we may have +more pulpit independence. + +It would be a grand thing if every minister felt strong enough in body to +thrash any man in his audience improperly behaving, but always kept back +from such assault by the fact that it would be wrong to do so. There is a +good deal of heart and head in our theology, but not enough liver and +backbone. We need a more stalwart Christian character, more roast beef +rare, and less calf's-foot jelly. This will make the pulpit more bold and +the pew more manly. + +Which thoughts came to us this week as we visited again the village church +aforesaid, and preached out of the same old Bible in which, years ago, we +laid the ten-minute manuscript, and we looked upon the same lights that +once behaved so badly. But we found it had been snowing since the time we +lived there, and heads that then were black are white now, and some of the +eyes which looked up to us that memorable night when the gasometer failed +us, thirteen years ago, are closed now, and for them all earthly lights +have gone out for ever. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + +SHELLS FROM THE BEACH. + + +Our summer-house is a cottage at East Hampton, Long Island, overlooking the +sea. Seventeen vessels in sight, schooners, clippers, hermaphrodite brigs, +steamers, great craft and small. Wonder where they come from, and where +they are going to, and who is aboard? Just enough clovertops to sweeten the +briny air into the most delightful tonic. We do not know the geological +history of this place, but imagine that the rest of Long Island is the +discourse of which East Hampton is the peroration. There are enough bluffs +to relieve the dead level, enough grass to clothe the hills, enough trees +to drop the shadow, enough society to keep one from inanity, and enough +quietude to soothe twelve months of perturbation. The sea hums us to sleep +at night, and fills our dreams with intimations of the land where the +harmony is like "the voice of many waters." In smooth weather the billows +take a minor key; but when the storm gives them the pitch, they break forth +with the clash and uproar of an overture that fills the heavens and makes +the beach tremble. Strange that that which rolls perpetually and never +rests itself should be a psalm of rest to others! With these sands of the +beach we help fill the hour-glass of life. Every moment of the day there +comes in over the waves a flotilla of joy and rest and health, and our +piazza is the wharf where the stevedores unburden their cargo. We have +sunrise with her bannered hosts in cloth of gold, and moonrise with her +innumerable helmets and shields and swords and ensigns of silver, the +morning and the night being the two buttresses from which are swung a +bridge of cloud suspended on strands of sunbeam, all the glories of the sky +passing to and fro with airy feet in silent procession. + +We have wandered far and wide, but found no such place to rest in. We can +live here forty-eight hours in one day, and in a night get a Rip Van Winkle +sleep, waking up without finding our gun rusty or our dog dead. + +No wonder that Mr. James, the first minister of this place, lived to eighty +years of age, and Mr. Hunting, his successor, lived to be eighty-one years +of age, and Doctor Buel, his successor, lived to be eighty-two years of +age. Indeed, it seems impossible for a minister regularly settled in this +place to get out of the world before his eightieth year. It has been only +in cases of "stated supply," or removal from the place, that early demise +has been possible. And in each of these cases of decease at fourscore it +was some unnecessary imprudence on their part, or who knows but that they +might be living yet? That which is good for settled pastors being good for +other people, you may judge the climate here is salutary and delectable for +all. + +The place was settled in 1648, and that is so long ago that it will +probably never be unsettled. The Puritans took possession of it first, and +have always held it for the Sabbath, for the Bible and for God. Much +maligned Puritans! The world will stop deriding them after a while, and the +caricaturists of their stalwart religion will want to claim them as +ancestors, but it will be too late then; for since these latter-day folks +lie about the Puritans now, we will not believe them when they want to get +into the illustrious genealogical line. + +East Hampton has always been a place of good morals. One of the earliest +Puritan regulations of this place was that licensed liquor-sellers should +not sell to the young, and that half a pint only should be given to four +men--an amount so small that most drinkers would consider it only a +tantalization. A woman here, in those days, was sentenced "to pay a fine of +fifteen dollars, or to stand one hour with a cleft stick upon her tongue, +for saying that her husband had brought her to a place where there was +neither gospel nor magistracy." She deserved punishment of some kind, but +they ought to have let her off with a fine, for no woman's tongue ought to +be interfered with. When in olden time a Yankee peddler with the measles +went to church here on the Sabbath for the purpose of selling his +knick-knacks, his behavior was considered so perfidious that before the +peddler left town the next morning the young men gave him a free ride upon +what seems to us an uncomfortable and insufficient vehicle, namely, a rail, +and then dropped him into the duck-pond. But such conduct was not +sanctioned by the better people of the place. Nothing could be more +unwholesome for a man with the measles than a plunge in a duck-pond, and so +the peddler recovered one thousand dollars damage. So you see that every +form of misdemeanor was sternly put down. Think of the high state of morals +and religion which induced this people, at an early day, at a political +town-meeting, to adopt this decree: "We do sociate and conjoin ourselves +and successors to be one town or corporation, and do for ourselves and our +successors, and such as shall be adjoined to us at any time hereafter, +enter into combination and confederation together to maintain and preserve +the purity of the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ which we now possess." + +The pledge of that day has been fully kept; and for sobriety, industry, +abhorrence of evil and adherence to an unmixed gospel, we know not the +equal of this place. + +That document of two centuries ago reads strangely behind the times, but it +will be some hundreds of years yet before other communities come up to the +point where that document stops. All our laws and institutions are yet to +be Christianized. The Puritans took possession of this land in the name of +Christ, and it belongs to Him; and if people do not like that religion, let +them go somewhere else. They can find many lands where there is no +Christian religion to bother them. Let them emigrate to Greenland, and we +will provide them with mittens, or to the South Sea Islands, and we will +send them ice-coolers. This land is for Christ. Our Legislatures and +Congresses shall yet pass laws as radically evangelical as the venerable +document above referred to. East Hampton, instead of being two hundred +years behind, is two hundred years ahead. + +Glorious place to summer! Darwin and Stuart, Mill and Huxley and Renan have +not been through here yet. May they miss the train the day they start for +this place! With an Atlantic Ocean in which to wash, and a great-hearted, +practical, sympathetic gospel to take care of all the future, who could not +be happy in East Hampton? + +The strong sea-breeze ruffles the sheet upon which we write, and the "white +caps" are tossing up as if in greeting to Him who walks the pavements of +emerald and opal: + + "Waft, waft, ye winds, His story, + And you, ye waters, roll, + Till, like a sea of glory, + It spreads from pole to pole." + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV. + +CATCHING THE BAY MARE. + + +It may be a lack of education on our part, but we confess to a dislike for +horse-races. We never attended but three; the first in our boyhood, the +second at a country fair, where we were deceived as to what would +transpire, the third last Sabbath morning. We see our friends flush with +indignation at this last admission; but let them wait a moment before they +launch their verdict. + +Our horse was in the pasture-field. It was almost time to start for church, +and we needed the animal harnessed. The boy came in saying it was +impossible to catch the bay mare, and calling for our assistance. We had on +our best clothes, and did not feel like exposing ourself to rough usage; +but we vaulted the fence with pail of water in hand, expecting to try the +effect of rewards rather than punishments. The horse came out generously to +meet us. We said to the boy, "She is very tame. Strange you cannot catch +her." She came near enough to cautiously smell the pail, when she suddenly +changed her mind, and with one wild snort dashed off to the other end of +the field. + +Whether she was not thirsty, or was critical of the manner of presentation, +or had apprehensions of our motive, or was seized with desire for exercise +in the open air, she gave us no chance to guess. We resolved upon more +caution of advance and gentler voice, and so laboriously approached her; +for though a pail of water is light for a little way, it gets heavy after +you have gone a considerable distance, though its contents be half spilled +away. + +This time we succeeded in getting her nose inserted into the bright +beverage. We called her by pet names, addressing her as "Poor Dolly!" not +wishing to suggest any pauperism by that term, but only sympathy for the +sorrows of the brute creation, and told her that she was the finest horse +that ever was. It seemed to take well. Flattery always does--with horses. + +We felt that the time had come for us to produce the rope halter, which +with our left hand we had all the while kept secreted behind our back. We +put it over her neck, when the beast wheeled, and we seized her by the +point where the copy-books say we ought to take Time, namely, the forelock. +But we had poor luck. We ceased all caressing tone, and changed the +subjunctive mood for the imperative. There never was a greater divergence +of sentiment than at that instant between us and the bay mare. She pulled +one way, we pulled the other. Turning her back upon us, she ejaculated into +the air two shining horse-shoes, both the shape of the letter O, the one +interjection in contempt for the ministry, and the other in contempt for +the press. + +But catch the horse we must, for we were bound to be at church, though jute +then we did not feel at all devotional. We resolved, therefore, with the +boy, to run her down; so, by the way of making an animated start, we slung +the pail at the horse's head, and put out on a Sunday morning horse-race. +Every time she stood at the other end of the field waiting for us to come +up. She trotted, galloped and careered about us, with an occasional neigh +cheerfully given to encourage us in the pursuit. We were getting more +unprepared in body, mind and soul for the sanctuary. Meanwhile, quite a +household audience lined the fence; the children and visitors shouting like +excited Romans in an amphitheatre at a contest with wild beasts, and it +was uncertain whether the audience was in sympathy with us or the bay mare. + +At this unhappy juncture, she who some years ago took us for "better or for +worse" came to the rescue, finding us in the latter condition. She advanced +to the field with a wash-basin full of water, offering that as sole +inducement, and gave one call, when the horse went out to meet her, and +under a hand, not half as strong as ours, gripping the mane, the refractory +beast was led to the manger. + +Standing with our feet in the damp grass and our new clothes wet to a sop, +we learned then and there how much depends on the way you do a thing. The +proposition we made to the bay mare was far better than that offered by our +companion; but ours failed and hers succeeded. Not the first nor the last +time that a wash-basin has beaten a pail. So some of us go all through life +clumsily coaxing and awkwardly pursuing things which we want to halter and +control. We strain every nerve, only to find ourselves befooled and left +far behind, while some Christian man or woman comes into the field, and by +easy art captures that which evaded us. + +We heard a good sermon that day, but it was no more impressive than the +besweated lesson of the pasture-field, which taught us that no more depends +upon the thing you do than upon the way you do it. The difference between +the clean swath of that harvester in front of our house and the ragged work +of his neighbor is in the way he swings the scythe, and not in the scythe +itself. There are ten men with one talent apiece who do more good than the +one man with ten talents. A basin properly lifted may accomplish more than +a pail unskillfully swung. A minister for an hour in his sermon attempts to +chase down those brutish in their habits, attempting to fetch them under +the harness of Christian restraint, and perhaps miserably fails, when some +gentle hand of sisterly or motherly affection laid upon the wayward one +brings him safely in. + +There is a knack in doing things. If all those who plough in State and +Church had known how to hold the handles, and turn a straight furrow, and +stop the team at the end of the tiled, the world would long ago have been +ploughed into an Eden. What many people want is gumption--a word as yet +undefined; but if you do not know what it means, it is very certain you do +not possess the quality it describes. We all need to study Christian tact. +The boys in the Baskinridge school-house laughed at William L. Dayton's +impediment of speech, but that did not hinder him from afterward making +court-room and senate-chamber thrill under the spell of his words. + +In our early home there was a vicious cat that would invade the milk-pans, +and we, the boys, chased her with hoes and rakes, always hitting the place +where she had been just before, till one day father came out with a plain +stick of oven-wood, and with one little clip back of the ear put an end to +all of her nine lives. You see everything depends upon the style of the +stroke, and not upon the elaborateness of the weapon. The most valuable +things you try to take will behave like the bay mare; but what you cannot +overcome by coarse persuasion, or reach at full run, you can catch with +apostolic guile. Learn the first-rate art of doing secular or Christian +work, and then it matters not whether your weapon be a basin or a pail. + + + + +CHAPTER XLV. + +OUR FIRST AND LAST CIGAR. + + +The time had come in our boyhood which we thought demanded of us a capacity +to smoke. The old people of the household could abide neither the sight nor +the smell of the Virginia weed. When ministers came there, not by positive +injunction but by a sort of instinct as to what would be safest, they +whiffed their pipe on the back steps. If the house could not stand +sanctified smoke, you may know how little chance there was for adolescent +cigar-puffing. + +By some rare good fortune which put in our hands three cents, we found +access to a tobacco store. As the lid of the long, narrow, fragrant box +opened, and for the first time we own a cigar, our feelings of elation, +manliness, superiority and anticipation can scarcely be imagined, save by +those who have had the same sensation. Our first ride on horseback, though +we fell off before we got to the barn, and our first pair of new boots +(real squeakers) we had thought could never be surpassed in interest; but +when we put the cigar to our lips, and stuck the lucifer match to the end +of the weed, and commenced to pull with an energy that brought every facial +muscle to its utmost tension, our satisfaction with this world was so +great, our temptation was never to want to leave it. + +The cigar did not burn well. It required an amount of suction that tasked +our determination to the utmost. You see that our worldly means had limited +us to a quality that cost only three cents. But we had been taught that +nothing great was accomplished without effort, and so we puffed away. +Indeed, we had heard our older brothers in their Latin lessons say, Omnia +vincet labor; which translated means, If you want to make anything go, you +must scratch for it. + +With these sentiments we passed down the village street and out toward our +country home. Our head did not feel exactly right, and the street began to +rock from side to side, so that it was uncertain to us which side of the +street we were on. So we crossed over, but found ourself on the same side +that we were on before we crossed over. Indeed, we imagined that we were on +both sides at the same time, and several fast teams driving between. We met +another boy, who asked us why we looked so pale, and we told him we did not +look pale, but that he was pale himself. + +We sat down under the bridge and began to reflect on the prospect of early +decease, and on the uncertainty of all earthly expectations. We had +determined to smoke the cigar all up and thus get the worth of our money, +but were obliged to throw three-fourths of it away, yet knew just where we +threw it, in case we felt better the next day. + +Getting home, the old people were frightened, and demanded that we state +what kept us so late and what was the matter with us. Not feeling that we +were called to go into particulars, and not wishing to increase our +parents' apprehension that we were going to turn out badly, we summed up +the case with the statement that we felt miserable at the pit of the +stomach. We had mustard plasters administered, and careful watching for +some hours, when we fell asleep and forgot our disappointment and +humiliation in being obliged to throw away three-fourths of our first +cigar. Being naturally reticent, we have never mentioned it until this +time. + +But how about our last cigar? It was three o'clock Sabbath morning in our +Western home. We had smoked three or four cigars since tea. At that time we +wrote our sermons and took another cigar with each new head of discourse. +We thought we were getting the inspiration from above, but were getting +much of it from beneath. Our hand trembled along the line; and strung up to +the last tension of nerves, we finished our work and started from the room. +A book standing on the table fell over; and although it was not a large +book, its fall sounded to our excited system like the crack of a pistol. As +we went down the stairs their creaking made our hair stand on end. As we +flung ourselves on a sleepless pillow we resolved, God helping, that we had +smoked our last cigar, and committed our last sin of night-study. + +We kept our promise. With the same resolution went overboard coffee and +tea. That night we were born into a new physical, mental and moral life. +Perhaps it may be better for some to smoke, and study nights, and take +exciting temperance beverages; but we are persuaded that if thousands of +people who now go moping, and nervous, and half exhausted through life, +down with "sick headaches" and rasped by irritabilities, would try a good +large dose of abstinence, they would thank God for this paragraph of +personal experience, and make the world the same bright place we find it--a +place so attractive that nothing short of heaven would be good enough to +exchange for it. + +The first cigar made us desperately sick; the throwing away of our last +made us gloriously well. For us the croaking of the midnight owl hath +ceased, and the time of the singing of birds has come. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI. + +MOVE, MOVING, MOVED. + + +The first of May is to many the beginning of the year. From that are dated +the breakages, the social startings, the ups and downs, of domestic life. +One-half New York is moving into smaller houses, the other half into +larger. The past year's success or failure decides which way the horses of +the furniture-wagon shall turn their heads. + +Days before, the work of packing commenced. It is astonishing how many +boxes and barrels are required to contain all your wares. You come upon a +thousand things that you had forgotten, too good to throw away and too poor +to keep: old faded carpet-bags that would rouse the mirth of the town if +you dared to carry them into the street; straw hats out of the fashion; +beavers that you ought to have given away while they might have been +useful; odd gloves, shoes, coats and slips of carpet that have been the +nest of rats, and a thousand things that you laid away because you some day +might want them, but never will. + +For the last few days in the old house the accommodations approach the +intolerable. Everything is packed up. The dinner comes to you on shattered +crockery which is about to be thrown away, and the knives are only painful +reminiscences of what they once were. The teapot that we used before we got +our "new set" comes on time to remind us how common we once were. You can +upset the coffee without soiling the table-cloth, for there is none. The +salt and sugar come to you in cups looking so much alike that you find out +for the first time how coffee tastes when salted, or fish when it is +sweetened. There is no place to sit down, and you have no time to do so if +you found one. The bedsteads are down, and you roll into the corner at +night, a self-elected pauper, and all the night long have a quarrel with +your pillow, which persists in getting out of bed, and your foot wanders +out into the air, feeling for greater length of cover. If the children cry +in the night, you will not find the matches nor the lamp nor anything else +save a trunk just in time to fall over it, getting up with confused notions +as to which is the way to bed, unless there be some friendly voice to hail +you through the darkness. + +The first of May dawns. The carts come. It threatens rain, but not a drop +until you get your best rosewood chairs out of doors, and your bedding on +the top of the wagon. Be out at twelve o'clock you must, for another family +are on your heels, and Thermopylæ was a very tame pass compared with the +excitement which rises when two families meet in the same hall--these +moving out and those moving in. They swear, unless they have positive +principles to prohibit. A mere theory on the subject of swearing will be no +hindrance. Long-established propriety of speech, buttressed up by the most +stalwart determination is the only safety. Men who talk right all the rest +of the year sometimes let slip on the first of May. We know a member of the +church who uses no violence of speech except on moving day, and then he +frequently cries out: "By the great United States!" + +All day long the house is full of racket: "Look out how you scratch that +table!" "There! you have dropped the leg out of that piano!" "There goes +the looking-glass!" "Ouch! you have smashed my finger!" "Didn't you see you +were pushing me against the wall?" "Get out of our way! It's one o'clock, +and your things are not half moved! Carmen! take hold and tumble these +things into the street!" Our carmen and theirs get into a fight. Our +servants on our side, their servants on theirs. We, opposed to anything but +peace, try to quiet the strife, yet, if they must go on, feel we would like +to have our men triumph. Like England during our late war, we remain +neutral, yet have our preferences as to which shall beat. Now dash comes +the rain, and the water cools off the heat of the combatants. The carmen +must drive fast, so as to get the things out of the wet, but slow, so as +not to rub the furniture. + +As our last load starts we go in to take a farewell look at the old place. +In that parlor we have been gay with our friends many a time, and as we +glance round the room we seem to see the great group of their faces. The +best furniture we ever had in our parlor was a circle of well-wishers. Here +is the bed-room where we slept off the world's cares, and got up glad as +the lark when the morning sky beckons it upward. Many a time this room has +been full of sleep from door-sill to ceiling. We always did feel grandly +after we had put an eight-hour nap between us and life's perplexities. We +are accustomed to divide our time into two parts: the first to be devoted +to hard, blistering, consuming work, and the rest to be given to the most +jubilant fun; and sleep comes under the last head. + +We step into the nursery for a last look. The crib is gone, and the doll +babies and the blockhouses, but the echoes have not yet stopped galloping; +May's laugh, and Edith's glee, and Frank's shout, as he urged the +hobby-horse to its utmost speed, both heels struck into the flanks, till +out of his glass eye the horse seemed to say: + +"Do that again, and I will throw you to the other side of the +trundle-bed!" Farewell, old house! It did not suit us exactly, but thank +God for the good times we had in it! + +Moving-day is almost gone. It is almost night. Tumble everything into the +new house. Put up the bedsteads. But who has the wrench, and who the +screws? Packed up, are they? In what box? It may be any one of the half +dozen. Ah! now I know in which box you will find it; in the last one you +open! Hungry, are you? No time to talk of food till the crockery is +unpacked. True enough, here they come. That last jolt of the cart finished +the teacups. The jolt before that fractured some of the plates, and Bridget +now drops the rest of them. The Paradise of crockery-merchants is +moving-day. I think, from the results which I see, that they must about the +first of May spend most of their time in praying for success in business. + +Seated on the boxes, you take tea, and then down with the carpets. They +must be stretched, and pieced, and pulled, and matched. The whole family +are on their knees at the work, and red in the face, and before the tacks +are driven all the fingers have been hammered once and are taking a second +bruising. Nothing is where you expected to find it. Where is the hammer? +Where are the tacks? Where the hatchet? Where the screw-driver? Where the +nails? Where the window-shades? Where is the slat to that old bedstead? +Where are the rollers to that stand? The sweet-oil has been emptied into +the blackberry-jam. The pickles and the plums have gone out together +a-swimming. The lard and the butter have united as skillfully as though a +grocer had mixed them. The children who thought it would be grand sport to +move are satiated, and one-half the city of New York at the close of +May-day go to bed worn out, sick and disgusted. It is a social earthquake +that annually shakes the city. + +It may be that very soon some of our rich relatives will, at their demise, +"will" us each one a house, so that we shall be permanently fixed. We +should be sorry to have them quit the world under any circumstances; but +if, determined to go anyhow, they should leave us a house, the void would +not be so large, especially if it were a house, well furnished and having +all the modern improvements. We would be thankful for any good advice they +might leave us, but should more highly appreciate a house. + +May all the victims of moving-day find their new home attractive! If they +have gone into a smaller house, let them congratulate themselves at the +thought that it takes less time to keep a small house clean than a big one. +May they have plenty of Spaulding's glue with which to repair breakages! +May the carpets fit better than they expected, and the family that moved +out have taken all their cockroaches and bedbugs with them! + +And, better than all--and this time in sober earnest--by the time that +moving-day comes again, may they have made enough money to buy a house from +which they will never have to move until the House of many mansions be +ready to receive them! + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII. + +ADVANTAGE OF SMALL LIBRARIES. + + +We never see a valuable book without wanting it. The most of us have been +struck through with a passion for books. Town, city and state libraries to +us are an enchantment. We hear of a private library of ten thousand +volumes, and think what a heaven the owner must be living in. But the +probability is that the man who has five hundred volumes is better off than +the man who has five thousand. The large private libraries in uniform +editions, and unbroken sets, and Russia covers, are, for the most part, the +idlers of the day; while the small libraries, with broken-backed books, and +turned-down leaves, and lead-pencil scribbles in the margin, are doing the +chief work for the world and the Church. + +For the most part, the owners of large collections have their chief anxiety +about the binding and the type. Take down the whole set of Walter Scott's +novels, and find that only one of them has been read through. There are +Motley's histories on that shelf; but get into conversation about the +Prince of Orange, and see that Motley has not been read. I never was more +hungry than once while walking in a Charleston mill amid whole harvests of +rice. One handful of that grain in a pudding would have been worth more to +me than a thousand tierces uncooked. Great libraries are of but little +value if unread, and amid great profusion of books the temptation is to +read but little. If a man take up a book, and feel he will never have a +chance to see it again, he says: "I must read it now or never," and before +the day is past has devoured it. The owner of the large library says: "I +have it on my shelf, and any time can refer to it." + +What we can have any time we never have. I found a group of men living at +the foot of Whiteface Mountain who had never been to the top, while I had +come hundreds of miles to ascend it. They could go any time so easily. It +is often the case that those who have plain copies of history are better +acquainted with the past than those who have most highly adorned editions +of Bancroft, Prescott, Josephus and Herodotus. It ought not so to be, you +say. I cannot help that; so it is. + +Books are sometimes too elegantly bound to be read. The gilt, the tinge, +the ivory, the clasps, seem to say: "Hands off!" The thing that most +surprised me in Thomas Carlyle's library was the fewness of the books. They +had all seen service. None of them had paraded in holiday dress. They were +worn and battered. He had flung them at the ages. + +More beautiful than any other adornments are the costly books of a princely +library; but let not the man of small library stand looking into the +garnished alcoves wishing for these unused volumes. The workman who dines +on roast beef and new Irish potatoes will be healthier and stronger than he +who begins with "mock-turtle," and goes up through the lane of a luxuriant +table till he comes to almond-nuts. I put the man of one hundred books, +mastered, against the man of one thousand books of which he has only a +smattering. + +On lecturing routes I have sometimes been turned into costly private +libraries to spend the day; and I reveled in the indexes, and scrutinized +the lids, and set them back in as straight a row as when I found them, yet +learned little. But on my way home in the cars I took out of my satchel a +book that had cost me only one dollar and a half, and afterward found that +it had changed the course of my life and helped decide my eternal destiny. + +We get many letters from clergymen asking advice about reading, and +deploring their lack of books. I warrant they all have books enough to +shake earth and heaven with, if the books were rightly used. A man who owns +a Bible has, to begin with, a library as long as from here to heaven. The +dullest preachers I know of have splendid libraries. They own everything +that has been written on a miracle, and yet when you hear them preach, if +you did not get sound asleep, that would be a miracle. They have all that +Calvin and other learned men wrote about election, and while you hear them +you feel that you have been elected to be bored. They have been months and +years turning over the heavy tomes on the divine attributes, trying to +understand God, while some plain Christian, with a New Testament in his +hand, goes into the next alley, and sees in the face of an invalid woman +peace and light and comfort and joy which teach him in one hour what God +is. + +There are two kinds of dullness--learned dullness and ignorant dullness. We +think the latter preferable, for it is apt to be more spicy. You cannot +measure the length of a man's brain, nor the width of his heart, nor the +extent of his usefulness by the size of his library. + +Life is so short you cannot know everything. There are but few things we +need to know, but let us know them well. People who know everything do +nothing. You cannot read all that comes out. Every book read without +digestion is so much dyspepsia. Sixteen apple-dumplings at one meal are not +healthy. + +In our age, when hundreds of books are launched every day from the press, +do not be ashamed to confess ignorance of the majority of the volumes +printed. If you have no artistic appreciation, spend neither your dollars +nor your time on John Ruskin. Do not say that you are fond of Shakespeare +if you are not interested in him, and after a year's study would not know +Romeo from John Falstaff. There is an amazing amount of lying about +Shakespeare. + +Use to the utmost what books you have, and do not waste your time in +longing after a great library. You wish you could live in the city and have +access to some great collection of books. Be not deceived. The book of the +library which you want will be out the day you want it. I longed to live in +town that I might be in proximity to great libraries. Have lived in town +thirteen years, and never found in the public library the book I asked for +but once; and getting that home, I discovered it was not the one I wanted. +Besides, it is the book that you own that most profits, not that one which +you take from "The Athenæum" for a few days. + +Excepting in rare cases, you might as well send to the foundling hospital +and borrow a baby as to borrow a book with the idea of its being any great +satisfaction. We like a baby in our cradle, but prefer that one which +belongs to the household. We like a book, but want to feel it is ours. We +never yet got any advantage from a borrowed book. We hope those never +reaped any profit from the books they borrowed from us, but never returned. +We must have the right to turn down the leaf, and underscore the favorite +passage, and write an observation in the margin in such poor chirography +that no one else can read it and we ourselves are sometimes confounded. + +All success to great libraries, and skillful book-bindery, and exquisite +typography, and fine-tinted plate paper, and beveled boards, and gilt +edges, and Turkey morocco! but we are determined that frescoed alcoves +shall not lord it over common shelves, and Russia binding shall not +overrule sheepskin, and that "full calf" shall not look down on pasteboard. +We war not against great libraries. We only plead for the better use of +small ones. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII. + +REFORMATION IN LETTER-WRITING. + + +We congratulate the country on the revolution in epistolary correspondence. +Through postal cards we not only come to economy in stamps, and paper, and +ink, and envelopes, but to education in brevity. As soon as men and women +get facility in composition they are tempted to prolixity. Hence some of us +formed the habit of beginning to read a letter on the second page, because +we knew that the writer would not get a-going before that; and then we were +apt to stop a page or two before the close, knowing that the remaining +portions would be taken in putting down the brakes. + +The postal card is a national deliverance. Without the conventional "I take +my pen in hand," or other rigmarole--which being translated means, "I am +not quite _ready_ to begin just now, but will very soon"--the writer states +directly, and in ten or twenty words, all his business. + +While no one can possibly have keener appreciation than we of letters of +sympathy, encouragement and good cheer, there is a vast amount of +letter-writing that amounts to nothing. Some of them we carry in our +pockets, and read over and over again, until they are worn out with +handling. But we average about twenty begging letters a day. They are +always long, the first page taken up in congratulations upon "big heart," +"wide influence," "Christian sympathies," and so on, winding up with a +solicitation for five dollars, more or less. We always know from the amount +of lather put on that we are going to be shaved. The postal card will soon +invade even that verbosity, and the correspondent will simply say, +"Poor--very--children ten--chills and fever myself--no quinine--desperate-- +your money or your life--Bartholomew Wiggins, Dismal Swamp, Ia." + +The advantage of such a thing is that, if you do not answer such a letter +no offence is taken, it is so short and costs only a cent; whereas, if the +author had taken a great sheet of letter paper, filled it with compliments +and graceful solicitations, folded it, and run the gummed edge along the +lips at the risk of being poisoned, and stuck on a stamp (after tedious +examination of it to see whether or not it had been used before, or had +only been mauled in your vest pocket), the offence would have been mortal, +and you would have been pronounced mean and unfit for the ministry. + +Postal cards are likewise a relief to that large class of persons who by +sealed envelope are roused to inquisitiveness. As such a closed letter lies +on the mantel-piece unopened, they wonder whom it is from, and what is in +it, and they hold it up between them and the light to see what are the +indications, and stand close by and look over your shoulder while you read +it, and decipher from your looks whether it is a love-letter or a dun. The +postal card is immediate relief to them, for they can read for themselves, +and can pick up information on various subjects free of charge. + +But, after all, the great advantage of this new postal arrangement is +economy in the consumption of time. It will practically add several years +to a man's life, and will keep us a thousand times, at the beginning of our +letters, from saying "Dear Sir" to those who are not at all dear, and will +save us from surrendering ourselves with a "Yours, truly," to those to whom +we will never belong. We hail the advent of the postal-card system. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIX. + +ROYAL MARRIAGES. + + +There has lately been such a jingle of bells in St. Petersburg and London +that we have heard them quite across the sea. The queen's son has married +the daughter of the Russian emperor. We are glad of it. It is always well +to have people marry who are on the same level. The famous affiancing in +New York of a coachman with the daughter of the millionaire who employed +him did not turn out well. It was bad for her, but worse for the coachman. +Eagle and ox are both well in their places, but let them not marry. The ox +would be dizzy in the eyrie, and the eagle ill at home in the barnyard. +When the children of two royal homes are united, there ought be no +begrudging of powder for the cannonading, or of candles for the +illumination. All joy to the Duke of Edinburgh and his fortunate duchess. + +But let not our friends across the sea imagine that we have no royal +marriages here in this western wilderness. Whenever two hearts come +together pledged to make each other happy, binding all their hopes and +fears and anticipations in one sheaf, calling on God to bless and angels to +witness, though no organ may sound the wedding-march, and no bells may +chime, and no Dean of Westminster travel a thousand miles to pronounce the +ceremony,--that is a royal marriage. + +When two young people start out on life together with nothing but a +determination to succeed, avoiding the invasion of each other's +idiosyncrasies, not carrying the candle near the gunpowder, sympathetic +with each other's employment, willing to live on small means till they get +large facilities, paying as they go, taking life here as a discipline, with +four eyes watching its perils, and with four hands fighting its battles, +whatever others may say or do,--that is a royal marriage. It is so set down +in the heavenly archives, and the orange blossoms shall wither on neither +side the grave. + +We deplore the fact that because of the fearful extravagances of modern +society many of our best people conclude that they cannot possibly afford +to marry. + +We are getting a fearful crop of old bachelors. They swarm around us. They +go through life lopsided. Half dressed, they sit round cold mornings, all +a-shiver, sewing on buttons and darning socks, and then go down to a long +boarding-house table which is bounded on the north and south and east and +west by the Great Sahara Desert. We do not pity them at all. May all their +buttons be off to-morrow morning! Why do they not set up a plain home of +their own and come into the ark two and two? + +The supporting of a wife is looked upon as a great horror. Why, dear +friends, with right and healthy notions of time and eternity it is very +easy to support a wife if she be of the kind worth supporting. If she be +educated into false notions of refinement and have "young ladies' +institutes" piled on her head till she be imbecile, you will never be able +to support her. Everything depends on whether you take for your wife a +woman or a doll-baby. Our opinion is that three-fourths the successful men +of the day owe much of their prosperity to the wife's help. The load of +life is so heavy it takes a team of two to draw it. The ship wants not only +a captain, but a first mate. Society to-day, trans-Atlantic and +cis-Atlantic, very much needs more royal marriages. + + + + +CHAPTER L. + +THREE VISITS. + + +Yesterday was Saturday to you, but it was Sunday to me. In other words, it +was a day of rest. We cannot always be working. If you drive along in a +deep rut, and then try to turn off, you are very apt to break the shafts. A +skillful driver is careful not to get into a deep rut. You cannot always be +keeping on in the same way. We must have times of leisure and recreation. + +A great deal of Christian work amounts to nothing, from the fact that it is +not prefaced and appendixed by recreation. Better take hold of a hammer and +give one strong stroke and lay it down than to be all the time so fagged +out that we cannot move the hammer. + +Well, yesterday being a day of rest to me, I made three visits in New York. + +The first was to the Tombs--an institution seemingly full now, a man or +woman or boy at every wicket. A great congregation of burglars, thieves, +pickpockets and murderers. For the most part, they are the clumsy villains +of society; the nimble, spry ones get out of the way, and are not caught. +There are those who are agile as well as depraved in that dark place. +Stokes, representing the aristocracy of crime; Foster, the democracy of +sin; and Rozensweig, the brute. Each cell a commentary upon the Scripture +passage, "The way of the transgressor is hard." + +I was amazed to see that the youth are in the majority in that building. I +said to the turnkey: "What a pity it is that that bright fellow is in +here!" "Oh," he says, "these bright fellows keep us busy." I talked some +with the boys, and they laughed; but there was a catch in the guffaw, as +though the laughter on its way had stumbled over a groan. It was not a deep +laugh and a laugh all over, as boys generally do when they are merry. These +boys have had no chance. They have been in the school of crime all their +days, and are now only taking their degree of "M.V."--master of villainy. + +God hasten the time when our Sabbath-schools, instead of being flower-pots +for a few choice children, shall gather up the perishing rabble outside, +like Ralph Wells' school in New York, and Father Hawley's school in +Hartford, and John Wanamaker's school in Philadelphia! There is not much +chance in our fashionable Sunday-schools for a boy out at the elbows. Many +of our schools pride themselves on being gilt-edged; and when-we go out to +fulfill the Saviour's command, "Feed my lambs," we look out chiefly for +white fleeces. I like that school the best, which, in addition to the +glorious gospel, carries soap and fine-tooth combs. God save the dying +children of the street! I saw a child in the Tombs four years of age, and +said, "What in the world can this little child be doing here?" They told me +the father had been arrested and the child had to go with him. Allegory, +parable, prophecy: "Where the father goes the child goes." Father inside +the grates, and son outside waiting to get in. + +All through the corridors of that prison I saw Scripture passages: "I am +the way of life;" "Believe in the Lord, and thou shalt be saved;" and like +passages. Who placed them there? The turnkey? No. The sheriff? No. They are +marks left by the city missionary and Christian philanthropist in +recognition of that gospel by which the world is to be regenerated or +never saved at all. + +I wish they would get some other name for that--the Tombs--for it is the +cleanest prison I ever saw. But the great want of that prison and of all +others is sunshine. God's light is a purifier. You cannot expect +reformation where you brood over a man with perpetual midnight. Oh that +some Howard or Elizabeth Fry would cry through all the dungeons of the +earth, "Let there be light!" I never heard of anybody being brought to God +or reformed through darkness. God Himself is light, and that which is most +like God is most healthful and pure. + +Saddened by this awful wreck of men and morals, we came along the corridors +where the wives stood weeping at the wicket-door of their husbands, and +parents over their lost children. It was a very sad place. There were some +men I was surprised to find there--men whom I had seen in other places, in +holy places, in consecrated places. + +We came out into the sunlight after that, and found ourselves very soon in +the art-gallery at Twenty-third street. That was my second visit. Mr. +Kensett, the great artist, recently died, and six hundred and fifty of his +pictures are now on exhibition. In contrast with the dark prison scene, how +beautiful the canvas! Mr. Kensett had an irresistible way of calling trees +and rocks and waters into his pictures. He only beckoned and they came. +Once come, he pinioned them for ever. Why, that man could paint a breeze on +the water, so it almost wet your face with the spray. So restful are his +pictures you feel after seeing them as though for half a day you had been +sprawled under a tree in July weather, summered through and through. + +Thirty of such pictures he painted each year in one hundred and twenty +days, and then died--quickly and unwarned, dropping his magician's wand, to +be picked up never. I wondered if he was ready, and if the God whom he had +often met amid the moss on the sea-cliffs and in the offing was the God who +pardoned sin and by His grace saves painter and boor. The Lord bless the +unappreciated artists; they do a glorious work for God and the world, but +for the most part live in penury, and the brightest color on their palette +is crimson with their own blood. + +May the time hasten when the Frenchmen who put on canvas their Cupids +poorly clad, and the Germans who hang up homely Dutch babies in the arms of +the Virgin Mary and call them Madonnas, shall be overruled by the artists +who, like Kensett, make their canvas a psalm of praise to the Lord of the +winds and the waters! + +I stepped across the way into the Young Men's Christian Association of New +York, with its reading-rooms and library and gymnasium and bath-rooms, all +means of grace--a place that proposes to charm young men from places of sin +by making religion attractive. It is a palace for the Lord--the pride of +New York, or ought to be; I do not believe it really is, but it ought to +be. It is fifty churches with its arms of Christian usefulness stretched +out toward the young men. + +If a young man come in mentally worn out, it gives him dumb-bells, parallel +bars and a bowling-alley with no rum at either end of it. If physically +worsted, it rests him amid pictures and books and newspapers. If a young +man come in wanting something for the soul, there are the Bible-classes, +prayer-meetings and preaching of the gospel. + +Religion wears no monk's cowl in that place, no hair shirt, no spiked +sandals, but the floor and the ceiling and the lounges and the tables and +the cheerful attendants seem to say: "Her ways are ways of pleasantness, +and all her paths are peace." + +I never saw a more beautiful scene in any public building than on one of +these bright sofas, fit for any parlor in New York, where lay a weary, +plain, exhausted man resting--sound asleep. + +Another triumph of Christianity that building is--a Christianity that is +erecting lighthouses on all the coasts, and planting its batteries on every +hill-top, and spreading its banquets all the world over. + +Well, with these reflections I started for Brooklyn. It was just after six +o'clock, and tired New York was going home. Street cars and ferries all +crowded. Going home! Some to bright places; to be lovingly greeted and +warmed and fed and rested. Others to places dark and uncomely; but as I sat +down in my own home I could not help thinking of the three spectacles. I +had seen during the day Sin, in its shame; Art, in its beauty; Religion, in +its work of love. God give repentance to the first, wider appreciation to +the second, and universal conquest to the third! + + + + +CHAPTER LI. + +MANAHACHTANIENKS. + + +We should like to tell so many of our readers as have survived the +pronunciation of the above word that the Indians first called the site on +which New York was built Manahachtanienks. The translation of it is, "The +place where they all got drunk." Most uncomplimentary title; We are glad +that it has been changed; for though New York has several thousand +unlicensed grogshops, we consider the name inappropriate, although, if +intemperance continues to increase as rapidly for the next hundred years as +during the last twenty years, the time will come when New York may +appropriately take its old Indian nomenclature. + +Old-time New York is being rapidly forgotten, and it may be well to revive +some historical facts. At an expense of three thousand dollars a year men +with guide-book in hand go through the pyramids of Egypt and the +picture-galleries of Rome and the ruins of Pompeii, when they have never +seen the strange and historical scenes at home. + +We advise the people who live in Brooklyn, Jersey City and up-town New York +to go on an exploration. + +Go to No. 1 Broadway and remember that George Washington and Lord +Cornwallis once lived there. + +Go to the United States Treasury, on Wall Street, and remember that in +front of it used to stand a pillory and a whipping-post. + +In a building that stood where the United States Treasury stands, General +Washington was installed as President. In the open balcony he stood with +silver buckles and powdered hair, in dress of dark silk velvet. (People in +those days dressed more than we moderns. Think of James Buchanan or General +Grant inaugurated with hair and shoes fixed up like that!) + +Go to the corner of Pearl and Broad streets, and remember that was the +scene of Washington's farewell to the officers with whom he had been so +long associated. + +Go to Canal street, and remember it was so called because it once was +literally a canal. + +The electric telegraph was born in the steeple of the old Dutch Church, now +the New York post-office--that is, Benjamin Franklin made there his first +experiments in electricity. When the other denominations charge the Dutch +Church with being slow, they do not know that the world got its lightning +out of one of its church steeples. + +Washington Irving was born in William street, halfway between John and +Fulton. "Knickerbocker" was considered very saucy; but if any man ever had +a right to say mirthful things about New York, it was Washington Irving, +who was born there. At the corner of Varick and Charlton streets was a +house in which Washington, John Adams and Aaron Burr resided. + +George Whitefield preached at the corner of Beekman and Nassau streets. + +But why particularize, when there is not a block or a house on the great +thoroughfare which has not been the scene of a tragedy, a fortune ruined, a +reputation sacrificed, an agony suffered or a soul lost? + + + + +CHAPTER LII. + +A DIP IN THE SEA. + + +Shakespeare has been fiercely mauled by the critics for confusion of +metaphor in speaking of taking up "arms against a sea of troubles." The +smart fellows say, How could a man take "arms against a sea?" In other +words, it is not possible to shoot the Pacific Ocean. But what Shakespeare +suggests is, this jocund morning, being done all around the coast from +Florida to Newfoundland, especial regiments going out from Cape May, Long +Branch, East Hampton, Newport and Nahant; ten thousand bathers, with hands +thrown into the air, "taking up arms against the sea." But the old giant +has only to roll over once on his bed of seaweed, and all this attacking +host are flung prostrate upon the beach. + +The sensation of sea-bathing is about the same everywhere. First you have +the work of putting on the appropriate dress, sometimes wet and chill from +the previous bathing. You get into the garments cautiously, touching them +at as few points as possible, your face askew, and with a swift draft of +breath through your front teeth, punctuating the final lodgment of each +sleeve and fold with a spasmodic "Oh!" Then, having placed your watch where +no villainous straggler may be induced to examine it to see whether he can +get to the depot in time for the next train, you issue forth ingloriously, +your head down in consciousness that you are cutting a sorry figure before +the world. Barefoot as a mendicant, your hair disheveled in the wind, the +stripes of your clothes strongly suggestive of Sing Sing, your appearance +a caricature of humankind, you wander up and down the beach a creature that +the land is evidently trying to shake off and the sea is unwilling to take. +But you are consoled by the fact that all the rest are as mean and +forlorn-looking as yourself; and so you wade in, over foot-top, unto the +knee, and waist deep. The water is icy-cold, so that your teeth chatter and +your frame quakes, until you make a bold dive; and in a moment you and the +sea are good friends, and you are not certain whether you have surrendered +to the ocean or the ocean has surrendered to you. + +At this point begin the raptures of bathing. You have left the world on the +beach, and are caught up in the arms of experiences that you never feel on +land. If you are far enough out, the breaking wave curves over you like a +roof inlaid and prismatic, bending down on the other side of you in layers +of chalk and drifts of snow, and the lightning flash of the foam ends in +the thunder of the falling wave. You fling aside from your arms, as +worthless, amethyst and emerald and chrysoprase. Your ears are filled with +the halo of sporting elements, and your eyes with all tints and tinges and +double-dyes and liquid emblazonment. You leap and shout and clap your +hands, and tell the billows to come on, and in excess of glee greet persons +that you never saw before and never will again, and never want to, and act +so wildly that others would think you demented but that they also are as +fully let loose; so that if there be one imbecile there is a whole asylum +of lunatics. + +It is astonishing how many sounds mingle in the water: the faint squall of +the affrighted child, the shrill shriek of the lady just introduced to the +uproarious hilarities, the souse of the diver, the snort of the +half-strangled, the clear giggle of maidens, the hoarse bellow of swamped +obesity, the whine of the convalescent invalid, the yell of unmixed +delight, the te-hee and squeak of the city exquisite learning how to laugh +out loud, the splash of the brine, the cachinnation of a band of harmless +savages, the stun of the surge on your right ear, the hiss of the surf, the +saturnalia of the elements; while overpowering all other sounds are the +orchestral harmonics of the sea, which roll on through the ages, all +shells, all winds, all caverns, all billows heard in "the oratorio of the +creation." + +But while bathing, the ludicrous will often break through the grand. Swept +hither and thither, you find, moving in reel and cotillon, saraband and +rigadoon and hornpipe, Quakers and Presbyterians who are down on the dance. +Your sparse clothing feels the stress of the waves, and you think what an +awful thing it would be if the girdle should burst or a button break, and +you should have, out of respect to the feelings of others, to go up the +beach sidewise or backward or on your hands and knees. + +Close beside you, in the surf, is a judge of the Court of Appeals, with a +garment on that looks like his grandmother's night-gown just lifted from +the wash-tub and not yet wrung out. On the other side is a maiden with a +twenty-five-cent straw hat on a head that ordinarily sports a hundred +dollars' worth of millinery. Yonder is a doctor of divinity with his head +in the sand and his feet beating the air, traveling heavenward, while his +right hand clutches his wife's foot, as much as to say, "My feet are +useless in this emergency; give me the benefit of yours." + +Now a stronger wave, for which none are ready, dashes in, and with it +tumble ashore, in one great wreck of humanity, small craft and large, stout +hulk and swift clipper, helm first, topsail down, forestay-sail in +tatters, keel up, everything gone to pieces in the swash of the surges. + +Oh, the glee of sea-bathing! It rouses the apathetic. It upsets the +supercilious and pragmatical. It is balsamic for mental wounds. It is a +tonic for those who need strength, and an anodyne for those who require +soothing, and a febrifuge for those who want their blood cooled; a filling +up for minds pumped dry, a breviary for the superstitious with endless +matins and vespers, and to the Christian an apocalyptic vision where the +morning sun gilds the waters, and there is spread before him "a sea of +glass mingled with fire." "Thy way, O God, is in the sea, and thy path in +the great waters!" + + + + +CHAPTER LIII. + +HARD SHELL CONSIDERATIONS. + + +The plumage of the robin red-breast, the mottled sides of the Saranac +trout, the upholstery of a spider's web, the waist of the wasp fashionably +small without tight lacing, the lustrous eye of the gazelle, the ganglia of +the star-fish, have been discoursed upon; but it is left to us, fagged out +from a long ramble, to sit down on a log and celebrate the admirable +qualities of a turtle. We refer not to the curious architecture of its +house--ribbed, plated, jointed, carapace and plastron divinely +fashioned--but to its instincts, worthy almost of being called mental and +moral qualities. + +The tortoise is wiser than many people we wot of, in the fact that he knows +when to keep his head in his shell. No sooner did we just now appear on the +edge of the wood than this animal of the order Testudinata modestly +withdrew. He knew he was no match for us. But how many of the human race +are in the habit of projecting their heads into things for which they have +no fittedness! They thrust themselves into discussions where they are +almost sure to get trod on. They will dispute about vertebrae with Cuvier, +or metaphysics with William Hamilton, or paintings with Ruskin, or medicine +with Doctor Rush, and attempt to sting Professor Jaeger to death with his +own insects. The first and last important lesson for such persons to learn +is, like this animal at our foot, to shut up their shell. If they could see +how, in the case of this roadside tortoise, at our appearance the carapace +suddenly came down on the plastron, or, in other words, how the upper bone +snapped against the lower bone, they might become as wise as this reptile. + +We admire also the turtle's capacity of being at home everywhere. He +carries with him his parlor, nursery, kitchen, bed-chamber and bathroom. +Would that we all had an equal faculty of domestication! In such a +beautiful world, and with so many comfortable surroundings, we ought to +feel at home in any place we are called to be. While we cannot, like the +tortoise, carry our house on our back, we are better off than he, for by +the right culture of a contented spirit we may make the sky itself the +mottled shell of our residence, and the horizon all around us shall be the +place where the carapace shuts down on the plastron. + +We admire still more the tortoise's determination to right itself. By way +of experiment, turn it upside down, and then go off a piece to see it +regain its position. Now, there is nothing when put upon its back which has +such little prospect of getting to its feet again as this animal. It has no +hands to push with and nothing against which to brace its feet, and one +would think that a turtle once upside down would be upside down for ever. +But put on its back, it keeps on scrabbling till it is right side up. We +would like to pick up this animal from the dust and put it down on +Broadway, if men passing by would learn from it never to stop exertion, +even when overthrown. You cannot by commercial disasters be more thoroughly +flat on your back than five minutes ago was this poor thing; but see it +yonder nimbly making for the bushes. Vanderbilt or Jay Gould may treat you +as we did the tortoise a few moments ago. But do not lie still, +discouraged. Make an effort to get up. Throw your feet out, first in one +direction and then in another. Scrabble! + +We find from this day's roadside observation that the turtle uses its head +before it does its feet: in other words, it looks around before it moves. +You never catch a turtle doing anything without previous careful +inspection. We would, all of us, do better if we always looked before we +leaped. It is easier to get into trouble than to get out. Better have goods +weighed before we buy them. Better know where a road comes out before we +start on it. We caught one hundred flies in our sitting-room yesterday +because they sacrificed all their caution to a love of molasses. Better use +your brain before you do your hands and feet. Before starting, the turtle +always sticks its head out of its shell. + +But tortoises die. They sometimes last two hundred years. We read that one +of them outlived seven bishops. They have a quiet life and no wear and tear +upon their nervous system. Yet they, after a while, notwithstanding all +their glow travel, reach the end of their journey. For the last time they +draw their head inside their shell and shut out the world for ever. But +notwithstanding the useful thoughts they suggest while living, they are of +still more worth when dead. We fashion their bodies into soup and their +carapace into combs for the hair, and tinged drops for the ear, and +bracelets for the wrist. One of Delmonico's soup tureens is waiting for the +hero we celebrate, and Tiffany for his eight plates of bone. Will we be as +useful after we are dead? Some men are thrown aside like a turtle-shell +crushed by a cart-wheel; but others, by deeds done or words spoken, are +useful long after they quit life, their example an encouragement, their +memory a banquet. He who helps build an asylum or gives healthful and +cultured starting to a young man may twenty years after his decease be +doing more for the world than during his residence upon it. Stephen Girard +and George Peabody are of more use to the race than when Philadelphia and +London saw them. + +But we must get up off this log, for the ante are crawling over us, and the +bull-frogs croak as though the night were coming on. The evening star hangs +its lantern at the door of the night to light the tired day to rest. The +wild roses in the thicket are breathing vespers at an altar cushioned with +moss, while the fire-flies are kindling their dim lamps in the cathedral of +the woods. The evening dew on strings of fern is counting its beads in +prayer. The "Whip-poor-will" takes up its notes of complaint, making us +wonder on our way home what "Will" it was that in boyhood maltreated the +ancestors of this species of birds, whether William Wordsworth, or William +Cowper, or William Shakspeare, so that the feathered descendants keep +through all the forests, year after year, demanding for the cruel +perpetrator a sound threshing, forgetting the Bryant that praised them and +the Tennyson that petted them and the Jean Ingelow who throws them crumbs, +in their anxiety to have some one whip poor Will. + + + + +CHAPTER LIV. + +WISEMAN, HEAVYASBRICKS AND QUIZZLE. + + +We had muffins that night. Indeed, we always had either muffins or waffles +when Governor Wiseman was at tea. The reason for this choice of food was +that a muffin or a waffle seemed just suited to the size of Wiseman's +paragraphs of conversation. In other words, a muffin lasted him about as +long as any one subject of discourse; and when the muffin was done, the +subject was done. + +We never knew why he was called governor, for he certainly never ruled over +any State, but perhaps it was his wise look that got him the name. He never +laughed; had his round spectacles far down on the end of his nose, so that +he could see as far into his plate as any man that ever sat at our +tea-table. When he talked, the conversation was all on his side. He +considered himself oracular on most subjects. You had but to ask him a +question, and without lifting his head, his eye vibrating from fork to +muffin, he would go on till he had said all he knew on that theme. We did +not invite him to our house more than once in about three months, for too +much of a good thing is a bad thing. + +At the same sitting we always had our young friend Fred Quizzle. He did not +know much, but he was mighty in asking questions. So when we had Governor +Wiseman, the well, we had Quizzle, the pump. + +Fred was long and thin and jerky, and you never knew just where he would +put his foot. Indeed, he was not certain himself. He was thoroughly +illogical, and the question he asked would sometimes seem quite foreign to +the subject being discoursed upon. His legs were crooked and reminded you +of interrogation points, and his arms were interrogations, and his neck was +an interrogation, while his eyes had a very inquisitive look. + +Fred Quizzle did not talk until over two years of age, notwithstanding all +his parents' exertions toward getting him to say "papa" and "mamma." After +his parents had made up their minds that he would never talk at all, he one +day rose from his block houses, looked into his father's eyes, and cried +out, "How?" as if inquiring in what manner he had found his way into this +world. His parent, outraged at the child's choice of an adverb for his +first expression instead of a noun masculine or a noun feminine indicative +of filial affection, proceeded to chastise the youngster, when Fred Quizzle +cried out for his second, "Why?" as though inquiring the cause of such +hasty punishment. + +This early propensity for asking questions grew on him till at twenty-three +years of age he was a prodigy in this respect. So when we had Governor +Wiseman we also had Fred Quizzle, the former to discourse, the latter to +start him and keep him going. + +Doctor Heavyasbricks was generally present at the same interview. We took +the doctor as a sort of sedative. After a season of hard work and nervous +excitement, Doctor Heavyasbricks had a quieting influence upon us. There +was no lightning in his disposition. He was a great laugher, but never at +any recent merriment. It took a long while for him to understand a joke. +Indeed, if it were subtle or elaborate, he never understood it. But give +the doctor, when in good health, a plain pun or repartee, and let him have +a day or two to think over it, and he would come in with uproarious +merriment that well-nigh would choke him to death, if the paroxysm happened +to take him with his mouth full of muffins. + +When at our table, the time not positively occupied in mastication he +employed in looking first at Quizzle, the interlocutor, and then at +Governor Wiseman, the responding oracle. + +Quizzle.--How have you, Governor Wiseman, kept yourself in such robust +health so long a time? + +Wiseman.--By never trifling with it, sir. I never eat muffins too hot. This +one, you see, has had some time to cool. Besides, when I am at all +disordered, I immediately send for the doctor. + +There are books proposing that we all become our own medical attendant. +Whenever we are seized with any sort of physical disorder, we are to take +down some volume in homeopathy, allopathy, hydropathy, and running our +finger along the index, alight upon the malady that may be afflicting us. +We shall find in the same page the name of the disease and the remedy. +Thus: chapped hands--glycerine; cold--squills; lumbago--mustard-plasters; +nervous excitement--valerian; sleeplessness--Dover's powders. + +This may be very well for slight ailments, but we have attended more +funerals of people who were their own doctor than obsequies of any other +sort. In your inexperience you will be apt to get the wrong remedy. Look +out for the agriculturist who farms by book, neglecting the counsel of his +long-experienced neighbors. He will have poor turnips and starveling wheat, +and kill his fields with undue apportionments of guano and bonedust. Look +out just as much for the patient who in the worship of some "pathy" blindly +adheres to a favorite hygienic volume, rejecting in important cases +medical admonition. + +In ordinary cases the best doctor you can have is mother or grandmother, +who has piloted through the rocks of infantile disease a whole family. She +has salve for almost everything, and knows how to bind a wound or cool an +inflammation. But if mother be dead or you are afflicted with a maternal +ancestor that never knew anything practical, and never ill, better in +severe cases have the doctor right away. You say that it is expensive to do +that, while a book on the treatment of diseases will cost you only a dollar +and a half. I reply that in the end it is very expensive for an +inexperienced man to be his own doctor; for in addition to the price of the +book there are the undertaker's expenses. + +Some of the younger persons at the table laughed at the closing sentence of +Wiseman, when Doctor Heavyasbricks looked up, put down his knife and said: +"My young friends, what are you laughing at? I see no cause of merriment in +the phrase 'undertaker's expenses.' It seems to me to be a sad business. +When I think of the scenes amid which an undertaker moves, I feel more like +tears than hilarity." + +Quizzle.--If you are opposed, Governor Wiseman, to one's being his own +doctor, what do you think of every man's being his own lawyer? + +Wiseman.--I think just as badly of that. + +Books setting forth forms for deeds, mortgages, notes, and contracts, are +no doubt valuable. It should be a part of every young man's education to +know something of these. We cannot for the small business transactions of +life be hunting up the "attorney-at-law" or the village squire. But economy +in the transfer of property or in the making of wills is sometimes a +permanent disaster. There are so many quirks in the law, so many +hiding-places for scamps, so many modes of twisting phraseology, so many +decisions, precedents and rulings, so many John Does who have brought suits +against Richard Roes, that you had better in all important business matters +seek out an honest lawyer. + +"There are none such!" cries out Quizzle. + +Why, where have you lived? There are as many honest men in the legal +profession as in any other, and rogues more than enough in all professions. +Many a farmer, going down to attend court in the county-seat, takes a load +of produce to the market, carefully putting the specked apples at the +bottom of the barrel, and hiding among the fresh ones the egg which some +discouraged hen after five weeks of "setting" had abandoned, and having +secured the sale of his produce and lost his suit in the "Court of Common +Pleas," has come home denouncing the scoundrelism of attorneys. + +You shall find plenty of honest lawyers if you really need them; and in +matters involving large interests you had better employ them. + +Especially avoid the mistake of making your own "last will and testament" +unless you have great legal skillfulness. Better leave no will at all than +one inefficiently constructed. The "Orphans' Court" could tell many a +tragedy of property distributed adverse to the intention of the testator. +You save twenty to a hundred dollars from your counsel by writing your own +will, and your heirs pay ten thousand dollars to lawyers in disputes over +it. Perhaps those whom you have wished especially to favor will get the +least of your estate, and a relative against whom you always had especial +dislike will get the most, and your charities will be apportioned +differently from what you anticipated--a hundred dollars to the Bible +Society, and three thousand to the "hook and ladder company." + +Quizzle.--Do you not think, governor (to go back to the subject from which +we wandered), that your good spirits have had much to do with your good +health? + +Wiseman.--No doubt. I see no reason why, because I am advancing in years, I +should become melancholy. + +One of the heartiest things I have seen of late is the letter of Rev. Dr. +Dowling as he retires from active work in the ministry. He hands over his +work to the younger brethren without sigh, or groan, or regret. He sees the +sun is quite far down in the west, and he feels like hanging up his scythe +in the first apple tree he comes to. Our opinion is that he has made a +little mistake in the time of day, and that while he thinks it is about +half-past five in the afternoon, it is only about three. I guess his watch +is out of order, and that he has been led to think it later than it really +is. But when we remember how much good he has done, we will not begrudge +him his rest either here or hereafter. + +At any rate, taking the doctor's cheerful valedictory for a text, I might +preach a little bit of a sermon on the best way of getting old. Do not be +fretted because you have to come to spectacles. While glasses look +premature on a young man's nose, they are an adornment on an octogenarian's +face. Besides that, when your eyesight is poor, you miss seeing a great +many unpleasant things that youngsters are obliged to look at. + +Do not be worried because your ear is becoming dull. In that way you escape +being bored with many of the foolish things that are said. If the gates of +sound keep out some of the music, they also keep out much of the discord. +If the hair be getting thin, it takes less time to comb it, and then it is +not all the time falling down over your eyes; or if it be getting white, I +think that color is quite as respectable as any other: that is the color +of the snow, and of the blossoms, and of the clouds, and of angelic +habiliments. + +Do not worry because the time comes on when you must go into the next +world. It is only a better room, with finer pictures, brighter society and +sweeter music. Robert McCheyne, and John Knox, and Harriet Newell, and Mrs. +Hemans, and John Milton, and Martin Luther will be good enough company for +the most of us. The cornshocks standing in the fields to-day will not sigh +dismally when the buskers leap over the fence, and throwing their arms +around the stack, swing it to the ground. It is only to take the golden ear +from the husk. Death to the aged Christian is only husking-time, and then +the load goes in from the frosts to the garner. + +My congratulations to those who are nearly done with the nuisances of this +world. Give your staff to your little grandson to ride horse on. You are +going to be young again, and you will have no need of crutches. May the +clouds around the setting sun be golden, and such as to lead the +"weather-wise" to prophesy a dear morning! + +Quizzle.--But, Governor Wiseman, does it not give you a little uneasiness +in this day of so much talk about cremation as to what will become of your +body after you leave this sphere? + +At this point Doctor Heavyasbricks wiped his spectacles, as though he could +not see well, and interrupted the conversation by saying, "Cremation! +Cremation! What's that?" Sitting at the head of the table, I explained that +it was the reduction of the deceased human body through fire into ashes to +be preserved in an urn. "Ah! ah!" said Doctor Heavyasbricks, "I had the +idea, from the sound of that word 'cremation,' it must be something +connected with cream. I will take a little more of that delicious bovine +liquid in my tea, if you please," said the doctor as he passed his cup +toward the urn, adding, to the lady of the house, "I hope that urn you have +your hand on has nothing to do with cremation." This explanation having +been made, Governor Wiseman proceeded to answer the question of Quizzle: + +No; I have no uneasiness about my body after I have left it. The idea you +speak of will never be carried out. I know that the papers are ardently +discussing whether or not it will be best to burn the bodies of the dead, +instead of burying them. Scientific journals contend that our cemeteries +are the means of unhealthy exhalations, and that cremation is the only safe +way of disposing of the departed. Some have advocated the chemical +reduction of the physical system. + +I have, as yet, been unable to throw myself into a mood sufficiently +scientific to appreciate this proposal. It seems to me partly horrible and +partly ludicrous. I think that the dead populations of the world are really +the most quiet and unharmful. They make no war upon us, and we need make no +war upon them. I am very certain that all the damage we shall ever do this +world, will be while we are animate. It is not the dead people that are +hard to manage, but the living. Some whistle to keep their courage up while +going along by graveyards; I whistle while moving among the wide awake. +Before attempting this barbaric disposal of the human form as a sanitary +improvement, it would be better to clear the streets and "commons" of our +cities of their pestiferous surroundings. Try your cremation on the dogs +and cats with extinct animation. + +We think Greenwood is healthier than Broadway, and Laurel Hill than +Chestnut street, Père la Chaise than Champs Elysées. Urns, with ashes +scientifically prepared, may look very well in Madras or Pekin, but not in +a Christian country. Not having been able to shake off the Bible notions +about Christian burial, we adhere to the mode that was observed when devout +men carried Stephen to his burial. Better not come around here with your +chemical apparatus for the reduction of the human body. I give fair warning +that if your philosopher attempts such a process on my bones, and I am of +the same way of thinking as now, he will be sorry for it. + +But I have no fear that I shall thus be desecrated by my surviving friends. +I have more fear of epitaphs. I do not wonder that people have sometimes +dictated the inscription on their own tombstones when I see what +inappropriate lines are chiseled on many a slab. There needs to be a +reformation in epitaphiology. + +People often ask me for appropriate inscriptions for the graves of their +dead. They tell the virtues of the father, or wife, or child, and want me +to put in compressed shape all that catalogue of excellences. + +Of course I fail in the attempt. The story of a lifetime cannot be chiseled +by the stone-cutter on the side of a marble slab. But it is not a rare +thing to go a few months after by the sacred spot and find that the bereft +friends, unable to get from others an epitaph sufficiently eulogistic, have +put their own brain and heart to work and composed a rhyme. Now, the most +unfit sphere on earth for an inexperienced mind to exercise the poetic +faculty is in epitaphiology. It does very well in copy-books, but it is +most unfair to blot the resting-place of the dead with unskilled poetic +scribble. It seems to me that the owners of cemeteries and graveyards +should keep in their own hand the right to refuse inappropriate and +ludicrous epitaph. + +Nine-tenths of those who think they can write respectable poetry are +mistaken. I do not say that poesy has passed from the earth, but it does +seem as if the fountain Hippocrene had been drained off to run a saw-mill. +It is safe to say that most of the home-made poetry of graveyards is an +offence to God and man. + +One would have thought that the New Hampshire village would have risen in +mob to prevent the inscription that was really placed on one of its +tombstones descriptive of a man who had lost his life at the foot of a +vicious mare on the way to brook: + + "As this man was leading her to drink + She kick'd and kill'd him quicker'n a wink." + +One would have thought that even conservative New Jersey would have been in +rebellion at a child's epitaph which in a village of that State reads thus: + + "She was not smart, she was not fair, + But hearts with grief for her are swellin'; + All empty stands her little chair: + She died of eatin' watermelon." + +Let not such discretions be allowed in hallowed places. Let not poetizers +practice on the tombstone. My uniform advice to all those who want +acceptable and suggestive epitaph is, Take a passage of Scripture. That +will never wear out. From generation to generation it will bring down upon +all visitors a holy hush; and if before that stone has crumbled the day +comes for waking up of all the graveyard sleepers, the very words chiseled +on the marble may be the ones that shall ring from the trumpet of the +archangel. + +While the governor was buttering another muffin, and, according to the +dietetic principle a little while ago announced, allowing it sufficiently +to cool off, he continued the subject already opened by saying: I keep +well by allowing hardly anything to trouble me, and by looking on the +bright side of everything. One half of the people fret themselves to death. + +Four months ago the air was full of evil prophecies. If a man believed one +half he saw in the newspapers, he must have felt that this world was a +failure, not paying more than ten cents on a dollar. To one good prophet +like Isaiah or Ezekiel we had a thousand Balaams, each mounted on his +appropriate nag. + +First came the fearful announcement that in consequence of the financial +depression we would have bread-riots innumerable and great slaughter. But +where have been your riots? There was here and there a swinging of +shillalahs, and a few broken heads which would probably have got broken +anyhow; but the men who made the disturbance were found to be lounging +vagabonds who never worked even when they had a chance. + +Prophecy was also made that there would be a general starvation. We do not +believe that in the United States there have been twenty sober people +famished in the last year. Aware of the unusual stress upon the poor, the +hand of charity has been more active and full than ever; and though many +have been denied their accustomed luxuries, there has been bread for all. + +Weather prophets also promised us a winter of unusual severity. They knew +it from the amount of investment the squirrels had made in winter stock, +and from the superabundance of wool on the sheep's back, and the lavishness +of the dog's hair. Are the liars ready to confess their fault? The boys +have found but little chance to use their skates, and I think the +sheep-shearing of the flocks on celestial pasture-fields must have been +omitted, judging from the small amount of snowy fleece that has fallen +through the air. I have not had on my big mittens but once or twice, and my +long-ago frost-bitten left ear has not demanded an extra pinching. To make +up for the lack of fuel on the hearth, the great brass handiron of the sun +has been kept unusually bright and hot. And yesterday we heard the horn of +the south wind telling that the flowery bands of spring are on the way up +from Florida. + +The necessity for retrenchment has blessed the whole land. Many of us have +learned how to make a thousand dollars do what fifteen hundred dollars-- + +Quizzle broke in at the first opportunity and said, "No doubt, governor, it +is easy for you to be placid, for everything has gone well with you since +you started life, whereas my mother died when I was little, and I was +kicked and cuffed about by a step-mother whose name I cannot bear to hear." + +Ha! ha! said Governor Wiseman. It is the old story of step-mothers. I don't +believe they are any worse than other people, taking the average. I have +often wondered why it is that the novels and romances always make the +step-mother turn out so very badly. She always dresses too much and bangs +the children. The authors, if writing out of their own experience, must +have had a very hard time. + +In society it has become a proverb: "Cruel as a step-mother." I am +disposed, however, to think that, while there may be marked exceptions, +step-mothers are the most self-sacrificing beings in all the world. They +come into the family scrutinized by the household and the relatives of the +one who used to occupy the motherly position. Neighborly busybodies meet +the children on the street and sigh over them and ask them how their new +mother treats them. The wardrobe of the youngsters comes under the severe +inspection of outsiders. + +The child, haying been taught that the lady of the household is "nothing +but a step-mother," screams at the least chastisement, knowing that the +neighbors' window is up and this will be a good way of making publication. +That is called cruelty which is only a most reasonable, moderate and +Christian spanking. What a job she has in navigating a whole nursery of +somebody else's children through mumps, measles, whooping-cough and +chicken-pox! One of the things that I rejoice over in life is that it is +impossible that I ever become a step-mother. In many cases she has the +largest possible toil for the least reward. + +Blessed be the Lord who setteth the solitary in families that there are +glorious exceptions! The new mother comes to the new home, and the children +gather the first day around her as the natural protector. They never know +the difference between the first and second mother. They seem like two +verses of the same hymn, two days of the summer, two strokes of the same +bell, two blessings from the same God. + +She is watchful all night long over the sick little one, bathing the brow +and banishing the scare of the feverish dream. After a while those children +will rise up to do her honor; and when her work is done, she will go up to +get the large reward that awaits a faithful, great-hearted Christian +step-mother in the land where the neighbors all mind their own business. + + + + +CHAPTER LV. + +A LAYER OF WAFFLES. + + +Several months had passed along since we had enjoyed the society of +Governor Wiseman, Doctor Heavyasbricks and Fred Quizzle. At our especial +call they had come again. + +The evening air was redolent with waffles baked in irons that had given +them the square imprint which has come down through the ages as the only +orthodox pattern. + +No sooner had our friends seated themselves at the tea-table than-- + +Quizzle began: I see, Governor Wiseman, that the races have just come off +in England. What do you think of horse-racing? + +Wiseman.--That has become a very important question for every moralist to +answer. I see that last week England took carriage and horses and went out +to Epsom Downs to see the Derby races. The race was won by Sir George +Frederick; that is the name of the successful horse. All the particulars +come by telegraph. There is much now being done for the turf in this +country as well as in England, and these horses are improved year by year. +I wonder if the race of men who frequent these entertainments are as much +improved as the horses? I like horses very much, but I like men better. So +far as we can judge, the horses are getting the best part of these +exercises, for they never bet, and always come home sober. If the horses +continue to come up as much as they have, and our sporting friends continue +to go down in the same ratio, by an inevitable law of progression we shall +after a while have two men going round the course neck and neck, while +Dexter and Sir George Frederick are on the judges' stand deciding which +man is the winner. + +Quizzle.--But do you not, Governor Wiseman, believe in out-door sports and +recreations? + +Yes, said the governor, but it ought to be something that helps a man as +well as the brute. I prefer those recreations that are good both for a +man's body and soul. We want our entire nature developed. + +Two thousand people one morning waited at the depot in Albany for the +arrival of the remains of the great pugilist, Heenan. Then they covered the +coffin with immortelles. No wonder they felt badly. The poor fellow's work +was done. He had broken the last nose. He had knocked out the last tooth. +He had bunged up the last eye. He had at last himself thrown up the sponge. +The dead hero belonged to the aristocracy of hard-hitters. If I remember +rightly, he drew the first blood in the conflict with one who afterward +became one of the rulers of the nation--the Honorable John Morrissey, +member of Congress of the United States and chief gambler at Saratoga. + +There is just now an attempt at the glorification of muscle. The man who +can row the swiftest, or strike a ball the farthest, or drop the strongest +wrestler is coming to be of more importance. Strong muscle is a grand thing +to have, but everything depends on how you use it. If Heenan had become a +Christian, he would have made a capital professor in Polemic Theology. If +the Harvard or Yale student shall come in from the boat-race and apply his +athletic strength to rowing the world out of the breakers, we say "All +hail!" to him. The more physical force a man has, the better; but if Samson +finds nothing more useful to do than carrying of gate-posts, his strong +muscle is only a nuisance. + +By all means let us culture physical energy. Let there be more gymnasiums +in our colleges and theological seminaries. Let the student know how to +wield oar and bat, and in good boyish wrestle see who is the strongest. The +health of mental and spiritual work often depends on physical health. If I +were not opposed to betting, I would lay a wager that I can tell from the +book column in any of the newspapers or magazines of the land the condition +of each critic's liver and spleen at the time of his writing. + +A very prominent literary man apologized to me the other day for his +merciless attack on one of my books, saying that he felt miserable that +morning and must pitch into something; and my book being the first one on +the table, he pitched into that. Our health decides our style of work. If +this world is to be taken for God, we want more sanctified muscle. The man +who comes to his Christian work having had sound sleep the night before, +and the result of roast beef rare in his organism, can do almost anything. +Luther was not obliged to nurse his appetite with any plantation bitters, +but was ready for the coarsest diet, even the "Diet of Worms." + +But while I advocate all sports, and exercises, and modes of life that +improve the physical organism, I have no respect for bone, and nerve, and +muscle in the abstract. Health is a fine harp, but I want to know what tune +you are going to play on it. I have not one daisy to put on the grave of a +dead pugilist or mere boat-racer, but all the garlands I can twist for the +tomb of the man who serves God, though he be as physically weak as Richard +Baxter, whose ailments were almost as many as his books, and they numbered +forty. + +At this last sentence the company at the table, forgetful of the presence +of Doctor Heavyasbricks, showed some disposition at good humor, when the +doctor's brows lifted in surprise, and he observed that he thought a man +with forty ailments was a painful spectacle, and ought to be calculated to +depress a tea-table rather than exhilarate it. + +"But, Governor Wiseman," said Quizzle, "do you not think that it is +possible to combine physical, mental and spiritual recreations?" + +Oh yes, replied the governor; I like this new mode of mingling religion +with summer pleasures. Soon the Methodists will be shaking out their tents +and packing their lunch-baskets and buying their railroad and steamboat +tickets for the camp-meeting grounds. Martha's Vineyard, Round Lake, Ocean +Grove and Sea Cliff will soon mingle psalms and prayers with the voice of +surf and forest. Rev. Doctor J.H. Vincent, the silver trumpet of +Sabbath-schoolism, is marshaling a meeting for the banks of Chautauqua Lake +which will probably be the grandest religious picnic ever held since the +five thousand sat down on the grass and had a surplus of provision to take +home to those who were too stupid to go. From the arrangement being made +for that meeting in August, I judge there will be so much consecrated +enthusiasm that there may be danger that some morning, as the sun strikes +gloriously through the ascending mist of Chautauqua Lake, our friends may +all go up in a chariot of fire, leaving our Sunday-schools in a bereft +condition. If they do go up in that way, may their mantle or their straw +hat fall this way! + +Why not have all our churches and denominations take a summer airing? The +breath of the pine woods or a wrestle with the waters would put an end to +everything like morbid religion. One reason why the apostles had such +healthy theology is that they went-a-fishing. We would like to see the day +when we will have Presbyterian camp-meetings, and Episcopalian +camp-meetings, and Baptist camp-meetings, and Congregational camp-meetings, +or, what would be still better, when, forgetful of all minor distinctions, +we could have a church universal camp-meeting. I would like to help plant +the tent-pole for such a convocation. + +Quizzle.--Do you not think, governor, that there are inexpensive modes of +recreation which are quite as good as those that absorb large means? + +Yes, said the governor; we need to cut the coat according to our cloth. +When I see that the Prince of Wales is three hundred thousand dollars in +debt, notwithstanding his enormous income, I am forcibly reminded that it +is not the amount of money a man gets that makes him well off, but the +margin between the income and the outgo. The young man who while he makes a +dollar spends a dollar and one cent is on the sure road either to +bankruptcy or the penitentiary. + +Next to the evil of living beyond one's means is that of spending all one's +income. There are multitudes who are sailing so near shore that a slight +wind in the wrong direction founders them. They get on well while the times +are usual and the wages promptly paid; but a panic or a short period of +sickness, and they drop helpless. Many a father has gone with his family in +a fine carriage drawn by a spanking team till he came up to his grave; then +he lay down, and his children have got out of the carriage, and not only +been compelled to walk, but to go barefoot. Against parsimony and +niggardliness I proclaim war; but with the same sentence I condemn those +who make a grand splash while they live, leaving their families in +destitution when they die. + +Quizzle.--Where, governor, do you expect to recreate this coming summer? + +Wiseman.--Have not yet made up my mind. The question is coming up in all +our households as to the best mode of vacation. We shall all need rest. The +first thing to do is to measure the length of your purse; you cannot make a +short purse reach around Saratoga and the White Mountains. There may be as +much health, good cheer and recuperation in a country farmhouse where the +cows come up every night and yield milk without any chalk in it. + +What the people of our cities need is quiet. What the people of the country +need is sightseeing. Let the mountains come to New York and New York go to +the mountains. The nearest I ever get to heaven in this world is lying flat +down on my back under a tree, looking up through the branches, five miles +off from a post-office or a telegraph station. But this would be torture to +others. + +Independent of what others do or say, let us in the selection of summer +recreations study our own temperament and finances. It does not pay to +spend so much money in July and August that you have to go pinched and half +mad the rest of the year. The healthiest recreations do not cost much. In +boyhood, with a string and a crooked pin attached to it, I fished up more +fun from the mill-pond than last summer with a five-dollar apparatus I +caught among the Franconia Mountains. + +There is a great area of enjoyment within the circumference of one dollar +if you only know how to make the circuit. More depends upon ourselves than +upon the affluence of our surroundings. If you are compelled to stay home +all summer, you may be as happy as though you went away. The enjoyment of +the first of July, when I go off, is surpassed by nothing but the first of +September, when I come home. + +There being a slight pause in the conversation, Doctor Heavyasbricks woke +gradually up and began to move his lips and to show strong symptoms of +intention to ask for himself a question. He said: I have been attending the +anniversaries in New York, and find that they are about dead. Wiseman, can +you tell me what killed them? + +Governor Wiseman replied: It is a great pity that the anniversaries are +dead. They once lived a robust life, but began some fifteen years ago to +languish, and have finally expired. To the appropriate question, What +killed them? I answer, Peregrination was one of the causes. There never has +been any such place for the anniversaries as the Broadway Tabernacle. It +was large and social and central. When that place was torn down, the +anniversaries began their travels. Going some morning out of the warm +sunshine into some cathedral-looking place, they got the chills, and under +the dark stained glass everything looked blue. In the afternoon they would +enter some great square hall where everything was formal. + +It is almost impossible to have a genial and successful meeting in a square +hall. When in former days the country pastor said to his congregation, +"Meet me at the New York anniversaries," they all knew where to go; but +after the old Broadway Tabernacle went down, the aforesaid congregation +might have looked in five or six places and not found their minister. The +New York anniversaries died on the street between the old Tabernacle and +St. Paul's Methodist Cathedral. + +Prolix reports also helped to kill the patient. Nothing which was not in +its nature immortal could have survived these. The secretary would read +till he got out of wind, and would then say that the remainder of the +report would be found in the printed copies in the pews. The speakers +following had the burden of galvanizing an exhausted meeting, and the +Christian man who attended the anniversary on retiring that evening had the +nightmare in the shape of a portly secretary sitting astride his chest +reading from a huge scroll of documents. + +Diluted Christian oratory also helped to kill the anniversaries. The men +whom we heard in our boyhood on the Broadway platform believed in a whole +Bible, and felt that if the gospel did not save the world nothing ever +would; consequently, they spoke in blood-red earnestness and made the place +quake with their enthusiasm. There came afterward a weak-kneed stock of +ministers who thought that part of the Bible was true, if they were not +very much mistaken, and that, on the whole, religion was a good thing for +most people, certainly if they had weak constitutions, and that man could +be easily saved if we could get the phrenologist to fix up his head, and +the gymnasium to develop his muscle, and the minister to coax him out of +his indiscretions. Well, the anniversaries could not live on pap and +confectionery, and so they died for lack of strong meat. + +But the day of resurrection will come. Mark that! The tide of Bible +evangelism will come up again. We may be dead, but our children will see +it. New York will be thronged with men and women who will come up once a +year to count the sheaves of harvest, and in some great building thronged +from the platform to the vestibule an aroused Christian audience will +applaud the news, just received by telegraph, of a nation born in a day, +and sing with more power than when Thomas Hastings used to act as +precentor: + + "The year of jubilee has come; + Return, ye ransom'd sinners, home." + +Quizzle.--You speak, governor, of the ruinous effect of prolixity in +religious service. How long ought a public service continue? + +Wiseman.--There is much discussion in the papers as to how long or short +sermons and prayers ought to be. Some say a discourse ought to last thirty +minutes, and others forty, and others an hour, and prayers should be three +minutes long, or five, or fifteen. You might as well discuss how long a +frock-coat ought to be, or how many ounces of food a man ought to eat. In +the one case, everything depends upon the man's size; in the other, +everything on the capacity of his stomach. A sermon or a prayer ought to go +on as long as it is of any profit. If it is doing no good, the sermon is +half an hour too long, though it take only thirty minutes. If the audience +cough, or fidget, or shuffle their feet, you had better stop praying. There +is no excuse, for a man's talking or praying too long if he have good +eyesight and hearing. + +But suppose a man have his sermon written and before him. You say he must +go through with it? Oh no. Let him skip a few leaves. Better sacrifice +three or four sheets of sermon-paper than sacrifice the interest of your +hearers. But it is a silly thing for a man in a prayer-meeting or pulpit to +stop merely because a certain number of minutes have expired while the +interest is deepening--absurd as a hunter on the track of a roebuck, and +within two minutes of bringing down its antlers, stopping because his wife +said that at six o'clock precisely he must be home to supper. Keep on +hunting till your ammunition gives out. + +Still, we must all admit that the danger is on the side of prolixity. The +most interesting prayers we ever hear are by new converts, who say +everything they have to say and break down in one minute. There are men +who, from the way they begin their supplications, indicate a long siege. +They first pray you into a good frame, and then pray you out. They take +literally what Paul meant to be figurative: "Pray without ceasing." + +Quizzle.--I see there was no lack of interest when the brewers' convention +met the other day in Boston, and that in their longest session the +attention did not flag. + +Wiseman.--Yes; I see that speeches were made on the beneficial use of +fermented liquors. The announcement was made that during the year 8,910,823 +barrels of the precious stuff had been manufactured. I suppose that while +the convention was there Boston must have smelt like one great ale-pitcher. +The delegates were invited to visit the suburbs of the city. Strange that +nobody thought of inviting them to visit the cemeteries and graveyards, +especially the potter's field, where thousands of their victims are buried. +Perhaps you are in sympathy with these brewers, and say that if people +would take beer instead of alcohol drunkenness would cease. But for the +vast majority who drink, beer is only introductory to something stronger. +It is only one carriage in the same funeral. Do not spell it b-e-e-r, but +spell it b-i-e-r. May the lightnings of heaven strike and consume all the +breweries from river Penobscot to the Golden Horn! + +Quizzle.--I see, governor, that you were last week in Washington. How do +things look there? + +Wiseman.--Very well. The general appearance of our national capital never +changes. It is always just as far from the Senate-chamber to the White +House; indeed, so far that many of our great men have never been able to +travel it. There are the usual number of petitioners for governmental +patronage hanging around the hotels and the congressional lobbies. They are +willing to take almost anything they can get, from minister to Spain to +village postmaster. They come in with the same kind of carpet-bags, look +stupid and anxious for several days, and having borrowed money enough from +the member from their district to pay their fare, take the cars for home, +denouncing the administration and the ungratefulness of republics. + +I think that the two houses of Congress are the best and most capable of +any almost ever assembled. Of course there is a dearth of great men. Only +here and there a Senator or Representative you ever before heard of. +Indeed, the nuisances of our national council in other days were the great +men who took, in making great speeches, the time that ought to have been +spent in attending to business. We all know that it was eight or ten +"honorable" bloats of the last thirty years who made our chief +international troubles. + +Our Congress is made up mostly of practical every-day men. They have no +speeches to make, and no past political reputation to nurse, and no +national fame to achieve. I like the new crop of statesmen better than the +old, although it is a shorter crop. They do not drink so much rum, and not +so large a proportion of them will die of delirium tremens. They may not +have such resounding names as some of their predecessors, but I prefer a +Congress of ordinary men to a group of Senators and Representatives +overawed and led about by five or six overgrown, political Brobdingnagians. + +While in Washington we had a startling occurrence. A young man in high +society shot another young man, who fell dead instantly. + +I wonder that there is not more havoc with human life in this day, when it +is getting so popular to carry firearms. Most of our young men, and many of +our boys, do not feel themselves in tune unless they have a pistol +accompaniment. Men are locked up or fined if found with daggers or +slung-shot upon their persons, but revolvers go free. There is not half so +much danger from knife as pistol. The former may let the victim escape +minus a good large slice, but the latter is apt to drop him dead. On the +frontiers, or engaged in police duty, firearms may be necessary; but in the +ordinary walk of life pistols are, to say the least, a superfluity. Better +empty your pockets of these dangerous weapons, and see that your sons do +not carry them. In all the ordinary walks of life an honest countenance and +orderly behavior are sufficient defence. You had better stop going into +society where you must always be ready to shoot somebody. + +But do not think, my dear Fred, that I am opposed to everything because I +have this evening spoken against so many different things. I cannot take +the part of those who pride themselves in hurling a stout No against +everything. + +A friend called my attention to the fact that Sanballat wanted to hold +consultation with Nehemiah in the plain of O-no. That is the place where +more people stay, to-day, than in any other. They are always protesting, +throwing doubt on grand undertakings; and while you are in the mountain of +O-yes, they spend their time on the plain of O-no. In the harness of +society they are breeching-straps, good for nothing but to hold back. + +You propose to call a minister. All the indications are that he is the +right man. Nine-tenths of the congregation are united in his favor. The +matter is put to vote. The vast majority say "Ay!" the handful of opponents +responded "O no!" + +You propose to build a new church. About the site, the choice of architect, +the upholstery, the plumbing and the day of dedication there is almost a +unanimity. You hope that the crooked sticks will all lie still, and that +the congregation will move in solid phalanx. But not so. Sanballat sends +for Nehemiah, proposing to meet him in the plain of O-no. + +Some men were born backward, and have been going that way ever since. +Opposition to everything has become chronic. The only way they feel +comfortable is when harnessed with the face toward the whiffletree and +their back to the end of the shafts. They may set down their name in the +hotel register as living in Boston, Chicago, Savannah or Brooklyn, but they +really have been spending all their lives on the plain of O-no. There let +them be buried with their face toward the west, for in that way they will +lie more comfortably, as other people are buried with their face to the +east. Do not impose upon them by putting them in the majority. O-no! + +We rejoice that there seems more liberality among good men, and that they +have made up their minds to let each one work in his own way. The +scalping-knives are being dulled. + +The cheerfulness and good humor which have this year characterized our +church courts is remarkable and in strong contrast with the old-time +ecclesiastical fights which shook synods and conferences. Religious +controversies always have been the most bitter of all controversies; and +when ministers do fight, they fight like vengeance. Once a church court +visiting a place would not only spend much of their own time in sharp +contention, but would leave the religious community to continue the quarrel +after adjournment. Now they have a time of good cheer while in convention, +and leave only one dispute behind them among the families, and that arising +from the fact that each one claims it had the best ministers and elders at +their house. Contention is a child of the darkness, peace the daughter of +the light. The only help for a cow's hollow horn is a gimlet-hole bored +through it, and the best way to cure religious combatants is to let more +gospel light through their antlers. + +As we sat at the head of the table interested in all that was going on, and +saw Governor Wiseman with his honorable name, and Quizzle and Heavyasbricks +with their unattractive titles, we thought of the affliction of an awkward +or ill-omened name. + +When there are so many pleasant names by which children may be called, what +right has a parent to place on his child's head a disadvantage at the +start? Worse than the gauntlet of measles and whooping-cough and mumps +which the little ones have to run is this parental outrage. + +What a struggle in life that child will have who has been baptized Jedekiah +or Mehitabel! If a child is "called after" some one living, let that one be +past mid-life and of such temperament that there shall be no danger of his +becoming an absconder and a cheat. As far as possible let the name given be +short, so that in the course of a lifetime there be not too many weeks or +months taken up in the mere act of signature. The burdens of life are heavy +enough without putting upon any one the extra weight of too much +nomenclature. It is a sad thing when an infant has two bachelor uncles, +both rich and with outrageous names, for the baby will have to take both +titles, and that is enough to make a case of infant mortality. + +Quizzle.--You seem to me, governor, to be more sprightly at every +interview. + +Well, that is so, but I do not know how long it will last; stout people +like myself often go the quickest. + +There is a constant sympathy expressed by robust people for those of +slight physical constitution. I think the sympathy ought to turn in the +opposite direction. It is the delicate people who escape the most fearful +disorders, and in three cases out of four live the longest. These gigantic +structures are almost always reckless of health. They say, "Nothing hurts +me," and so they stand in draughts, and go out into the night air to cool +off, and eat crabs at midnight, and doff their flannels in April, and +carelessly get their feet wet. + +But the delicate people are shy of peril. They know that disease has been +fishing for them for twenty years, and they keep away from the hook. No +trout can be caught if he sees the shadow of the sportsman on the brook. +These people whom everybody expects to die, live on most tenaciously. + +I know of a young lady who evidently married a very wealthy man of +eighty-five years on the ground he was very delicate, and with reference to +her one-third. But the aged invalid is so careful of his health, and the +young wife so reckless of hers, that it is now uncertain whether she will +inherit his store-houses or he inherit her wedding-rings. + +Health and longevity depend more upon caution and intelligent management of +one's self than upon original physical outfit. Paul's advice to the sheriff +is appropriate to people in all occupations: "Do thyself no harm!" + +Besides that, said the governor, I have moved and settled in very +comfortable quarters since I was at this table before. The house I have +moved in is not a better house, but somehow I feel more contented. + +Most of our households are quieted after the great annual upsetting. The +last carpet is tacked down. The strings that were scattered along the +floor have been rolled up in a ball. We begin to know the turns in the +stairway. Things are settling down, and we shall soon feel at home in our +new residence. If it is a better house than we had, do not let us be too +proud of the door-plate, nor worship too ardently the fine cornice, nor +have any idea that superb surroundings are going to make us any happier +than we were in the old house. + +Set not your affections on luxurious upholstery and spacious drawing-room. +Be grateful and be humble. + +If the house is not as large nor in as good neighborhood as the one you +formerly occupied, make the best of it. It is astonishing what a good time +you may have in a small room. Your present neighbors are just as kind as +those you left, if you only knew them. Do not go around your house sticking +up your nose at the small pantry, and the ugly mantel-pieces, and the low +ceiling. It is a better place than your divine Master occupied, and to say +the least you are no better than He. If you are a Christian, you are on +your way to a King's mansion, and you are now only stopping a little in the +porter's lodge at the gate. Go down in the dark lanes of the city and see +how much poorer off many of your fellow-citizens are. If the heart be +right, the home will be right. + + + + +CHAPTER LVI. + +FRIDAY EVENING. + + +Our friend Churchill was a great man for religious meetings. As he shoved +back from our tea-table he said, "I must be off to church." + +Then he yawned as though he expected to have a dull time, and asked me why +it was that religious meetings were often so very insipid and that many +people went to them merely as a matter of duty. Without waiting for me to +give my opinion, he said he thought that there was a sombre hue given to +such meetings that was killing and in a sort of soliloquy continued: + +There is one thing Satan does well. He is good at stating the discouraging +side. He knows how to fish for obstacles, and every time brings up his net +full. Do not let us help him in his work. If you have anything to say in +prayer-meeting that is disheartening, may you forget your speech! Tell us +something on the bright side. + +I know a Christian man who did something outrageously wrong. Some one said +to me: "Why do you not expose him?" I replied: "That is the devil's work +and it will be thoroughly done. If there is anything good about him, we +would rather speak of that." + +Give us no sermons or newspaper articles that are depressing. We know all +that before you start; amid the greatest disheartenments there are hopeful +things that may be said. While the Mediterranean corn-ship was going to +smash, Paul told the crew to "Be of good cheer." We like apple trees +because, though they are not handsome, they have bright blossoms and good +fruit, but we despise weeping willows because they never do anything but +cry. + +On a dark day do not go around closing the window-shutters. The world is +dark enough without your making it more so. Is there anybody in the room +who has a match? Please then strike it. There is only one kind of champagne +that we temperance folks can take, and that is encouraging remark. It is a +stimulus, and what makes it better than all other kinds of champagne is it +leaves no headache. + +I said to him, I think religious meetings have been improved in the last +few years. One of the grandest results of the Fulton street prayer-meeting +is the fact that all the devotional services of the country have been +revolutionized. The tap of the bell of that historical prayer-meeting has +shortened the prayers and exhortations of the church universal. + +But since it has become the custom to throw open the meetings for remark +and exhortation, there has been a jubilee among the religious bores who +wander around pestering the churches. We have two or three outsiders who +come about once in six weeks into our prayer-meeting; and if they can get a +chance to speak, they damage all the interest. They talk long and loud in +proportion as they have nothing to say. They empty on us several bushels of +"ohs" and "ahs." But they seldom get a chance, for we never throw the +meeting open when we see they are there. We make such a close hedge of +hymns and prayers that they cannot break into the garden. + +One of them we are free of because, one night, seeing him wiggle-waggle in +his seat as if about to rise, we sent an elder to him to say that his +remarks were not acceptable. The elder blushed and halted a little when we +gave him the mission, but setting his teeth together he started for the +offensive brother, leaned over the back of the pew and discharged the +duty. We have never seen that brother since, but once in the street, and +then he was looking the other way. + +By what right such men go about in ecclesiastical vagabondism to spoil the +peace of devotional meetings it is impossible to tell. Either that nuisance +must be abated or we must cease to "throw open" our prayer-meetings for +exhortation. + +A few words about the uses of a week-night service. Many Christians do not +appreciate it; indeed, it is a great waste of time, unless there be some +positive advantage gained. + +The French nation at one time tried having a Sabbath only once in ten days. +The intelligent Christian finds he needs a Sabbath every three or four +days, and so builds a brief one on the shore of a week-day in the shape of +an extra religious service. He gets grace on Sabbath to bridge the chasm of +worldliness between that and the next Sabbath, but finds the arch of the +bridge very great, and so runs up a pier midway to help sustain the +pressure. + +There are one hundred and sixty-eight hours in a week, and but two hours of +public religious service on Sabbath. What chance have two hours in a battle +with one hundred and sixty-eight? + +A week-night meeting allows church membership utterance. A minister cannot +know how to preach unless in a conference meeting he finds the religious +state of the people. He must feel the pulse before giving the medicine, +otherwise he will not know whether it ought to be an anodyne or a +stimulant. Every Christian ought to have something to say. Every man is a +walking eternity. The plainest man has Omnipotence to defend him, +Omniscience to watch him, infinite Goodness to provide for him. The tamest +religious experience has in it poems, tragedies, histories, Iliads, +Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained. Ought not such a one have something to +say? + +If you were ever in the army you know what it is to see an officer on +horseback dash swiftly past carrying a dispatch. You wondered as he went +what the news was. Was the army to advance, or was an enemy coming? + +So every Christian carries a dispatch from God to the world. Let him ride +swiftly to deliver it. The army is to advance and the enemy is coming. Go +out and fulfill your mission. You may have had a letter committed to your +care, and after some days you find it in one of your pockets, you forgot to +deliver it. Great was your chagrin when you found that it pertained to some +sickness or trouble. God gives every man a letter of warning or invitation +to carry, and what will be your chagrin in the judgment to find that you +nave forgotten it! + +A week-night meeting widens the pulpit till all the people can stand on it. +Such a service tests one's piety. No credit for going to church on Sabbath. +Places of amusement are all closed, and there is no money to be made. But +week-nights every kind of temptation and opportunity spreads before a man, +and if he goes to the praying circle he must give up these things. The man +who goes to the weekly service regularly through moonlight and pitch +darkness, through good walking and slush ankle-deep, will in the book of +judgment find it set down to his credit. He will have a better seat in +heaven than the man who went only when the walking was good, and the +weather comfortable, and the services attractive, and his health perfect. +That service which costs nothing God accounts as nothing. + +A week-night service thrusts religion in the secularities of the week. It +is as much as to say, "This is God's Wednesday, or God's Thursday, or +God's Friday, or God's week." You would not give much for a property the +possession of which you could have only one-seventh of the time, and God +does not want that man whose services he can have only on Sabbath. If you +paid full wages to a man and found out that six-sevenths of the time he was +serving a rival house, you would be indignant; and the man who takes God's +goodness and gives six-sevenths of his time to the world, the flesh and the +devil is an abomination to the Lord. The whole week ought to be a temple of +seven rooms dedicated to God. You may, if you will, make one room the holy +of holies, but let all the temple be consecrate. + +The week-night service gives additional opportunity of religious culture, +and we find it so difficult to do right and be right that we cannot afford +to miss any opportunity. Such a service is a lunch between the Sabbath +meals, and if we do not take it we get weak and faint. A truth coming to us +then ought to be especially effective. + +If you are on a railroad train, and stop at the depot, and a boy comes in +with a telegram, all the passengers lean forward and wonder if it is for +them. It may be news from home. It must be urgent or it would not be +brought there. Now, if while we are rushing on in the whirl of every-day +excitement, a message of God meets us, it must be an urgent and important +message. If God speaks to us in a meeting mid-week, it is because there is +something that needs to be said before next Sunday. + + + + +SABBATH EVENING + +TEA-TABLE. + + + + +CHAPTER LVII. + +THE SABBATH EVENING TEA-TABLE. + + +When this evening comes we do not have any less on our table because it is +a sacred day, but a little more. On other evenings we have in our +dining-hall three of the gas-burners lighted, but on Sabbath evening we +have four. We try to have the conversation cheerfully religious. + +After the children are sleepy we do not keep them up to recite the "Larger +Catechism." During summer vacation, when we have no evening service to +attend at church, we sometimes have a few chapters of a Christian book read +or a column of a Christian newspaper, or if any one has an essay on any +religious theme, we hear that. + +We tarry long after the tea has got cold. We do not care if the things are +not cleared off till next morning. If any one has a perplexing passage of +Scripture to explain, we gather all the lights possible on that subject. We +send up stairs for concordance and Bible dictionary. It may be ten o'clock +at night before the group is dispersed from the Sabbath evening tea-table. + +Some of the chapters following may be considered as conversations condensed +or as paragraphs read. You will sometimes ascribe them to the host, at +other times to the hostess, at other times to the strangers within the +gates. + +Old Dominie Scattergood often came in on Sabbath evenings. He was too old +to preach, and so had much leisure. Now, an old minister is a great joy to +us, especially if life has put sugar rather than vinegar in his +disposition. Dominie Scattergood had in his face and temper the smiles of +all the weddings he had ever solemnized, and in his hand-shaking all the +hearty congratulations that had ever been offered him. + +His hair was as white as any snow-bank through which he had waded to meet +his appointments. He sympathized with every one, could swing from mood to +mood very easily, and found the bridge between laughter and tears a short +one and soon crossed. He was like an orchard in October after some of the +frosts, the fruit so ripe and mellow that the least breeze would fill the +laps of the children. He ate scarcely anything at the tea-table, for you do +not want to put much fuel in an engine when it has nearly reached the +depot. Old Dominie Scattergood gave his entire time to religious discourse +when he sat with us at the close of the Lord's day. + +How calm and bright and restful the light that falls on the Sabbath evening +tea-table! Blessed be its memories for ever and ever! and Jessie, and De +Witt, and May, and Edith, and Frank, and the baby, and all the visitors, +old and young, thick-haired and bald-headed, say Amen! + + + + +CHAPTER LVIII. + +THE WARM HEART OF CHRIST. + + +The first night that old Dominie Scattergood sat at our tea-table, we asked +him whether he could make his religion work in the insignificant affairs of +life, or whether he was accustomed to apply his religion on a larger scale. +The Dominie turned upon us like a day-dawn, and addressed us as follows: + +There is no warmer Bible phrase than this: "Touched with the feeling of our +infirmities." The Divine nature is so vast, and the human so small, that we +are apt to think that they do not touch each other at any point. We might +have ever so many mishaps, the government at Washington would not hear of +them, and there are multitudes in Britain whose troubles Victoria never +knows; but there is a throne against which strike our most insignificant +perplexities. What touches us, touches Christ. What annoys us, annoys +Christ. What robs us, robs Christ. He is the great nerve-centre to which +thrill all sensations which touch us who are his members. + +He is touched with our physical infirmities. I do not mean that he merely +sympathizes with a patient in collapse of cholera, or in the delirium of a +yellow fever, or in the anguish of a broken back, or in all those +annoyances that come from a disordered nervous condition. In our excited +American life sound nerves are a rarity. Human sympathy in the case I +mention amounts to nothing. Your friends laugh at you and say you have "the +blues," or "the high strikes," or "the dumps," or "the fidgets." But Christ +never laughs at the whims, the notions, the conceits, the weaknesses, of +the nervously disordered. Christ probably suffered in something like this +way, for He had lack of sleep, lack of rest, lack of right food, lack of +shelter, and His temperament was finely strung. + +Chronic complaints, the rheumatism, the neuralgia, the dyspepsia, after a +while cease to excite human sympathy, but with Christ they never become an +old story. He is as sympathetic as when you felt the first twinge of +inflamed muscle or the first pang of indigestion. When you cannot sleep, +Christ keeps awake with you. All the pains you ever had in your head are +not equal to the pains Christ had in His head. All the acute suffering you +ever had in your feet is not equal to the acute suffering Christ had in His +feet. By His own hand He fashioned your every bone, strung every nerve, +grew every eyelash, set every tooth in its socket, and your every physical +disorder is patent to Him, and touches His sympathies. + +He is also touched with the infirmities of our prayers. Nothing bothers the +Christian more than the imperfections of his prayers. His getting down on +his knees seems to be the signal for his thoughts to fly every whither. +While praying about one thing he is thinking about another. Could you ever +keep your mind ten minutes on one supplication? I never could. While you +are praying, your store comes in, your kitchen comes in, your losses and +gains come in. The minister spreads his hands for prayer, and you put your +head on the back of the pew in front, and travel round the world in five +minutes. + +A brother rises in prayer-meeting to lead in supplication. After he has +begun, the door slams, and you peep through your fingers to see who is +coming in. You say to yourself, "What a finely expressed prayer, or what a +blundering specimen! But how long he keeps on! Wish he would stop! He prays +for the world's conversion. I wonder how much he gives toward it? There! I +don't think I turned the gas down in the parlor! Wonder if Bridget has got +home yet? Wonder if they have thought to take that cake out of the oven? Oh +what a fool I was to put my name on the back of that note! Ought to have +sold those goods for cash and not on credit!" And so you go on tumbling +over one thing after another until the gentleman closes his prayer with +Amen! and you lift up your head, saying, "There! I haven't prayed one bit. +I am not a Christian!" Yes, you are, if you have resisted the tendency. +Christ knows how much you have resisted, and how thoroughly we are +disordered of sin, and He will pick out the one earnest petition from the +rubbish and answer it. To the very depth of His nature He sympathizes with +the infirmity of our prayers. + +He is touched with the infirmity of our temper. + +There are some who, notwithstanding all that is said or done to them can +smile back. But many of you are so constructed that if a man insults you, +you either knock him down or wish you could. While with all resolution and +prayer you resist this, remember that Christ knows how much you have been +lied about, and misrepresented, and trod on. He knows that though you said +something that was hot, you kept back something that was ten times hotter. +He takes into account your explosive temperament. He knows that it requires +more skill to drive a fiery span than a tame roadster. He knows how hard +you have put down the "brakes" and is touched with the feeling of your +infirmity. + +Christ also sympathizes with our poor efforts at doing good. + +Our work does not seem to amount to much. We teach a class, or distribute +a bundle of tracts, or preach a sermon, and we say, "Oh, if I had done it +some other way!" Christ will make no record of our bungling way, if we did +the best we could. He will make record of our intention and the earnestness +of our attempt. We cannot get the attention of our class, or we break down +in our exhortation, or our sermon falls dead, and we go home disgusted, and +sorry we tried to speak, and feel Christ is afar off. Why, He is nearer +than if we had succeeded, for He knows that we need sympathy, and is +touched with our infirmity. + +It is comforting to know that it is not the learned and the great and the +eloquent that Christ seems to stand closest by. The "Swamp-angel" was a big +gun, and made a stunning noise, but it burst before it accomplished +anything, while many an humble rifle helped decide the contest. Christ made +salve out of spittle to cure a blind man, and the humblest instrumentality +may, under God, cure the blindness of the soul. Blessed be God for the +comfort of His gospel! + + + + +CHAPTER LIX. + +SACRIFICING EVERYTHING. + + +Ourselves.--Dominie Scattergood, why did Christ tell the man inquiring +about his soul to sell all he had and give everything to the poor? Is it +necessary for one to impoverish himself in order to be a Christian? + +The Dominie.--You mistake the purport of Christ's remark. He was not here +teaching the importance of benevolence, but the duty of self-conquest. That +young man had an all absorbing love of wealth. Money was his god, and +Christ is not willing to occupy the throne conjointly with any other deity. +This was a case for what the doctors call heroic treatment. If a physician +meet a case of unimportant sickness, he prescribes a mild curative, but +sometimes he comes to a room where the case is almost desperate; ordinary +medicine would not touch it. It is "kill or cure," and he treats +accordingly. This young man that Christ was medicating was such a case. +There did not seem much prospect, and He gives him this powerful dose, +"Sell all that thou hast and give to the poor!" + +It does not follow that we must all do the same, any more than because +belladonna or arsenic is administered in one case of illness we should +therefore all go to taking belladonna or arsenic. Because one man in the +hospital must have his arm amputated all the patients need not expect +amputation. The silliest thing that business-men could do would be to give +all their property away and turn their families into the street. The most +Christian thing for you to do is to invest your money in the best way +possible, and out of your business, industriously carried on, to contribute +the largest possible percentage to the kingdom of God. + +Still, we must admire the manner in which the Great Physician took the +diagnosis of this man's case and grappled it. We all need heroic spiritual +treatment. We do not get well of sin because we do not realize what a dire +disease it is, and that we cannot cure it with a spiritual panacea, a +gentle antidote, a few grains of spiritual morphine, a mild moral +corrective or a few drops of peppermint on white sugar. + +We want our pride killed, and we read an essay on that sweet grace of +humility, and we go on as proud as ever. The pleasant lozenge does not do +the work. Rather let us set ourselves to do that for Christ which is most +oppugnant to our natural feelings. You do not take part in prayer-meeting +because you cannot pray like Edward Payson, or exhort like John +Summerfield. If you want to crush your pride, get up anyhow, though your +knees knock together, and your tongue catches fast, and you see some +godless hearer in prayer-meeting laughing as though she would burst. + +Deal with your avarice in the same heroic style. Having heard the +charitable cause presented, at the first right impulse thrust your hand in +your pocket where the money is, and pull it out though it half kills you. +Pull till it comes. Put it on the plate with an emphasis, and turn your +face away before you are tempted to take it back again. All your sweet +contemplation about benevolence will not touch your case. Heroic treatment +or nothing! + +In the same way destroy the vindictiveness of your nature. Treatises on +Christian brotherhood are not what you need. Select the man most +disagreeable to you, and the one who has said the hardest things about +you. Go up and shake hands with him, and ask him how his family is, and how +his soul prospers. All your enmities will fly like a flock of quails at the +bang of a rifle. + +We treat our sins too politely. We ought to call them by their right names. +Hatred to our neighbor should not be called hard thoughts, but murder: +"whoso hateth his brother is a murderer!" Sin is abominable. It has tusks +and claws, and venom in its bite, and death in its stroke. Mild treatment +will not do. It is loathsome, filthy and disgusting. If we bid a dog in +gentle words to go out of the house, he will lie down under the table. It +wants a sharp voice and a determined manner to make him clear out, and so +sin is a vile cur that cannot be ejected by any conservative policy. It +must be kicked out! + +Alas for the young man of the text! He refused Christ's word and went away +to die, and there are now those who cannot submit to Christ's command, and +after fooling their time away with moral elixirs suddenly relapse and +perish. They might have been cured, but would not take the medicine. + + + + +CHAPTER LX. + +THE YOUNGSTERS HAVE LEFT. + + +The children after quitting the tea-table were too noisy for Sabbath night, +and some things were said at the table critical of their behavior, when old +Dominie Scattergood dawned upon the subject and said: + +We expect too much of our children when they become Christians. Do not let +us measure their qualifications by our own bushel. We ought not to look for +a gravity and deep appreciation of eternal things such as we find in grown +persons. We have seen old sheep in the pasture-field look anxious and +troubled because the lambs would frisk. + +No doubt the children that were lifted by their mothers in Christ's arms, +and got His blessing, five minutes after He set them down were as full of +romp as before they came to Him. The boy that because he has become a +Christian is disgusted with ball-playing, the little girl who because she +has given her heart to God has lost her interest in her waxen-doll, are +morbid and unhealthy. You ought not to set the life of a vivacious child to +the tune of Old Hundred. + +When the little ones come before you and apply for church membership, do +not puzzle them with big words, and expect large "experiences." It is now +in the church as when the disciples of old told the mothers not to bother +Christ with their babes. As in some households the grown people eat first, +and the children have to wait till the second table, so there are persons +who talk as though God would have the grown people first sit down at His +banquet; and if there is anything over the little ones may come in for a +share. + +No, no! If the supply at the Lord's table were limited, He would let the +children come in first and the older ones go without, as a punishment for +not having come in while they themselves were children. If the wind is from +the northeast, and the air is full of frost and snow, and part of the flock +must be left out on the mountains, let it be the old sheep, for they can +stand it better than the lambs. O Shepherd of Israel, crowd them all in +before the coming of the tempest! + +Myself.--Dominie Scattergood, what do yow think of this discussion in the +papers on the subject of liturgies? + +Scattergood.--I know there has been much talk of late about liturgies in +the churches, and whether or not audiences should take audible part in +religious service. While others are discussing that point, let me say that +all the service of the Church ought to be responsive if not with audible +"Amen," and unanimous "Good Lord, deliver us," then with hearty outburst of +soul. + +Let not the prayer of him that conducts public service go up solitary and +alone, but accompanied by the heartfelt ejaculation of all the auditory. We +sit down on a soft cushion, in a pew by architectural skill arranged to fit +the shape of our back, and are tempted to fall into unprofitable reveries. +Let the effort be on the part of every minister to make the prayer and the +Scripture-reading and the giving out of the hymn so emphatic that the +audience cannot help but respond with all the soul. + +Let the minister, before going into the pulpit, look over the whole field +and recall what are the styles of bereavement in the congregation--whether +they be widowhood, orphanage or childlessness; what are the kinds of +temporal loss his people may recently have suffered--whether in health, in +reputation or estate; and then get both his shoulders under these troubles, +and in his prayer give one earnest and tremendous lift, and there will be +no dullness, no indifference, no lack of multitudinous response. + +The reason that congregations have their heads bobbing about in prayer-time +is because the officiating clergyman is apt to petition in the abstract. He +who calls the troubles of his people by their right names, and tenderly +lays hold of the cancers of the souls before him, will not lack in getting +immediate heartfelt, if not audible, response. + +While we have not as much interest in the agitated question of liturgies as +would make us say ten words about it, we are interested more than we can +tell in the question, How shall the officiating ministers, in all the +churches, give so much point, and adaptedness, and vigor and blood-red +earnestness of soul to their public devotions as shall make all the people +in church feel that it is the struggle for their immortal life in which the +pastor is engaged? Whether it be in tones that strike the ear, or with a +spiritual emphasis heard only in the silent corridor of the heart, let all +the people say Amen! + +Myself.--What do you think, Dominie, about all this talk about +sensationalism in the pulpit? + +Scattergood.--As far as I can understand, it seems to be a war between +stagnation and sensationalism, and I dislike both. + +I do not know which word is the worst. It is the national habit in +literature and religion to call that sensationalism which we ourselves +cannot do. If an author write a book that will not sell, he is apt to +charge the books of the day which do succeed as being sensational. There +are a great many men who, in the world and the Church, are dead failures, +who spend their time in letting the public know that they are not +sensationalists. The fact is that they never made any stir while living, +nor will they in dying, save as they rob the undertaker of his fees, they +not leaving enough to pay their dismission expenses. + +I hate sensationalism in the pulpit so far as that word means the preaching +of everything but the gospel, but the simple fact is that whenever and +wherever faith and repentance and heaven and hell are proclaimed with +emphasis there will be a sensation. The people in our great cities are +hungry for the old gospel of Christ. If our young men in the ministry want +large audiences, let them quit philosophizing, and hair-splitting, and +botanizing, and without gloves take hold of men's sins and troubles, and +there will be no lack of hearers. Stagnation is worse than sensationalism. + +I have always noticed that just in proportion as a man cannot get along +himself he is fearful of some one else making an excitement. Last week a +mud-turtle down by the brook opened its shell and discoursed to a horse +that was coming down to drink. The mud-turtle said to the horse: "Just as I +get sound asleep you are sure to come past and wake me up. We always used +to have a good quiet time down here in the swamp till you got in the habit +of thumping along this way. I am conservative and like to keep in my shell. +I have been pastor of thirteen other mud-turtles, and we always had peace +until you came, and next week at our semi-annual meeting of mud-turtles we +shall either have you voted a nuisance or will talk it over in private, +eight, or ten of us, which will probably be the more prudent way." Then the +mud-turtle's shell went shut with a snap, at which the horse kicked up his +heels as he turned to go up to the barn to be harnessed to a load of corn +that was ready for the market. + +Let us all wake up and go to work. There are in the private membership of +our churches and in the ministry a great many men who are dead, but have +never had the common decency to get buried. With the harvest white and +"lodging" for lack of a sickle, instead of lying under the trees +criticising the sweating reapers who are at work, let us throw off our own +coat and go out to see how good a swathe we can cut. + +Myself.--You seem, Dominie Scattergood, though you have been preaching a +great while, to be very healthy and to have a sound throat. + +Scattergood.--Yes; I don't know any reason why ministers should not be as +well as other persons. I have never had the ministers' sore throat, but +have avoided it by the observance of two or three rules which I commend to +you of less experience. The drug stores are full of troches, lozenges and +compounds for speakers and singers. All these medicines have an important +mission, but how much better would it be to avoid the ills than to spend +one's time in trying to cure them! + +1. Speak naturally. Let not incompetent elocutionists or the barbarisms of +custom give you tones or enunciations at war with those that God implanted. +Study the vocal instrument and then play the best tune on it possible, but +do not try to make a flute sound like a trumpet, or a bagpipe do the work +of a violin. + +2. Remember that the throat and lungs were no more intended to speak with +than the whole body. If the vocal organs get red hot during a religious +service, while the rest of the body does not sympathize with them, there +will be inflammation, irritation and decay. But if the man shall, by +appreciation of some great theme of time and eternity, go into it with all +his body and soul, there will be an equalization of the whole physical +organism, and bronchitis will not know whether to attack the speaker in his +throat, right knee or left ankle, and while it is deciding at what point to +make assault the speaker will go scot-free. The man who besieges an +audience only with his throat attempts to take a castle with one gun, but +he who comes at them with head, eyes, hand, heart, feet, unlimbers against +it a whole park of artillery. Then Sebastopol is sure to be taken. + +Myself.--I notice, Dominie, that your handwriting is not as good as your +health. Your letter in reply to my invitation to be here was so indistinct +that I could not tell whether it was an acceptance or a declinature. + +Scattergood.--Well, I have not taken much care of my autograph. I know that +the attempt has been made to reduce handwriting to a science. Many persons +have been busy in gathering the signatures of celebrated men and women. A +Scotchman, by the name of Watson, has paid seventy-five thousand dollars +for rare autographs. Rev. Dr. Sprague, of Albany, has a collection +marvelous for interest. + +After we read an interesting book we want to see the author's face and his +autograph. But there is almost always a surprise or disappointment felt +when for the first time we come upon the handwriting of persons of whom we +have heard or read much. We often find that the bold, dashing nature +sometimes wields a trembling pen, and that some man eminent for weakness +has a defiant penmanship that looks as if he wrote with a splinter of +thunderbolt. + +I admit that there are instances in which the character of the man decides +the style of his penmanship. Lord Byron's autograph was as reckless as its +author. George Washington's signature was a reflection of his dignity. The +handwriting of Samuel Rogers was as smooth as his own nature. Robespierre's +fierce-looking autograph seems to have been written with the dagger of a +French revolution. + +On the contrary, one's handwriting is often the antipodes of his character. +An unreasonable schoolmaster has often, by false instruction, cramped or +ruined the pupil's chirography for ever. If people only knew how a brutal +pedagogue in the academy used to pull my ears while learning to write, I +should not be so often censured for my own miserable scribble. I defy any +boy to learn successfully to make "hooks and trammels" in his copy-book, or +ever after learn to trace a graceful calligraphy, if he had "old Talyor" +bawling over him. I hope never to meet that man this side of heaven, lest +my memory of the long-ago past be too much for the sense of ministerial +propriety. + +There are great varieties of circumstances that influence and decide the +autograph. I have no faith in the science of chirography. I could, from a +pack of letters in one pigeon-hole, put to rout the whole theory. I have +come to the conclusion that he who judges of a man's character by his +penmanship makes a very poor guess. The boldest specimen of chirography I +ever received was from a man whose wife keeps him in perpetual tremor, he +surrendering every time she looks toward the broomstick. + +Myself.--What do you think, Dominie, of the fact that laymen have begun to +preach? and what is your opinion of the work they are doing in Scotland? + +For the first time in many a day the old Dominie grew sarcastic, and said: + +What are we coming to? Get out your fire-engines. There is a conflagration. +What work Messrs. Moody, Sankey, Phillips, Bliss, Jacobs, Burnell, Durant +and fifty other laymen have done. Wherever they go they have large +concourses of people, and powerful revivals of religion follow. Had we not +better appoint a meeting of conference or presbytery to overhaul these men +who are saving souls without license? No! What we want is ten thousand men +just like them, coming up from among the people, with no professional garb, +and hearts hot with religious fervor, and bound by no conventionalities or +stereotyped notions about the way things ought to be done. + +I have a sly suspicion that the layman who has for seven years given the +most of his time to the study of the truth is better prepared to preach the +gospel than a man who has given that length of time in theological +seminaries to the study of what other people say about the Bible. In other +words, we like water just dipped from the spring, though handed in a gourd, +rather than water that has been standing a week in a silver pitcher. + +After Calvin has twisted us one way, and Arminius has twisted us another, +and we get our head full of the old Andover and New Haven theological +fights, and the difference between Ante-Nicene Trinitarianism and +Post-Nicene Trinitarianism, it is a luxury to meet some evangelist who can +tell us in our common mother-tongue of Him who came to seek and to save +that which was lost. + +I say let our learned institutions push theological education to its +highest excellency, preparing men for spheres which none but the cultured +and scholarly are fit for, but somehow let us beat the drum and gather a +battalion of lay-workers. We have enough wise men to tell us about fishes, +about birds, about rocks, about stars--enough Leyden jars, enough +telescopes, enough electric batteries; but we have not more than one man +where we ought to have a hundred to tell the story of Christ and the soul. + +Some cry out, "It is dangerous to have laymen take such prominent positions +in the Church." Dangerous to what? Our dignity, our prerogatives, our +clerical rights? It is the same old story. If we have a mill on the stream, +we do not want some one else to build a mill on the same stream. It will +take the water off our wheel. But, blessed be God! the river of salvation +is deep and strong enough to grind corn for all nations. + +If a pulpit is so weak that the wave of religious zeal on the part of the +laity submerges it, then let it go under. We cannot expect all other +shipping to forsake the sea lest they run down our craft. We want more +watchmen on the wall, more sentinels at the gate, more recruits for the +field. Forward the whole Christian laity! Throw up no barrier to their +advancement. Do not hang the Church until dead by the neck with "red-tape." + +I laughed outright, though I ought to have cried, when I read in one of our +papers a statement of the work of Moody and Sankey in Edinburgh, which +statement closed with the luscious remark that "Probably the Lord is +blessing their work." I never saw a word put in more awkward and forced and +pitiable predicament than that word probably. While heaven and earth and +hell have recognized the stupendous work now going on in Scotland under God +and through the instrumentality of these American evangelists, a +correspondent thinks that probably something has happened. + +Oh how hard it is to acknowledge that men are doing good if they do not +work in our way and by our methods! One's heart must have got awfully +twisted and near being damned who can look on a great outpouring of the +Holy Ghost and have any use for probabilities. The tendency is even among +Christians to depreciate that which goes on independent of themselves and +in a way oppugnant to their personal taste. People do not like those who do +a thing which they themselves have not been able to accomplish. + +The first cry is, "The people converted are the lower population, and not +the educated." We wonder if five hundred souls brought to Christ from the +"Cowgate" and "Coalhole," and made kings and priests unto God, and at last +seated on thrones so high they will not be able to reach down with their +foot to the crown of an earthly monarch, is not worth some consideration? + +Then the cry is, "They will not hold out." Time only will show that. +They are doing all they can. You cannot expect them to hold out ten +years in six weeks. The most faithful Christians we have ever known +were brought in through revivals, and the meanest, stingiest, dullest, +hardest-to-get-on-with Christians have joined when the church was dead. + +When a candidate for admission comes before session in revival times, I ask +him only seven or eight questions; but when he comes during a cold state of +religion, I ask him twenty questions, and get the elders to ask him as many +more. In other words, I have more faith in conversions under special +religious influence than under ordinary. + +The best luck I ever had in fishing was when I dropped the net in the bay +and brought up at one haul twenty bluefish, with only three or four +moss-bunkers, and the poorest luck I ever had was when, after standing two +hours in the soggy meadow with one hook on the line, I felt I had a bite, +and began to pull, more and more persuaded of the great size of the +captive, until I flung to the shore a snapping-turtle. As a gospel +fisherman I would rather run the risk of a large haul than of a solitary +angling. I can soon sort out and throw overboard the few moss-bunkers. + +Oh for great awakenings all over Christendom! + +We have had a drought so long we can stand a freshet. Let the Hudson and +the Thames and the Susquehanna rise and overflow the lowlands, and the +earth be full of the knowledge of God as the waters fill the seas. That +time is hastening, probably! + + + + +CHAPTER LXI. + +FAMILY PRAYERS. + + +Take first the statement that unless our children are saved in early life +they probably never will be. They who go over the twentieth year without +Christ are apt to go all the way without Him. Grace, like flower-seed, +needs to be sown in spring. The first fifteen years of life, and often the +first six, decide the eternal destiny. + +The first thing to do with a lamb is to put it in the arms of the Great +Shepherd. Of course we must observe natural laws. Give a child excessive +meat diet, and it will grow up sensual, and catechism three times a day, +and sixty grains in each dose, won't prevent it. Talk much in your child's +presence about the fashions, and it will be fond of dress, notwithstanding +all your lectures on humility. Fill your house with gossip, and your +children will tattle. Culture them as much as you will, but give them +plenty of money to spend, and they will go to destruction. + +But while we are to use common sense in every direction respecting a child, +the first thing is to strive for its conversion, and there is nothing more +potent than family prayers. No child ever gets over having heard parents +pray for him. I had many sound threshings when I was a boy (not as many as +I ought to have had, for I was the last child and my parents let me off), +but the most memorable scene in my childhood was father and mother at +morning and evening prayers. I cannot forget it, for I used often to be +squirming around on the floor and looking at them while they were praying. +Your son may go to the ends of the earth, and run through the whole +catalogue of transgression, but he will remember the family altar, and it +will be a check, and a call, and perhaps his redemption. + +Family prayers are often of no use. Perhaps they are too hurried. We have +so much before us of the day's work that we must hustle the children +together. We get half through the chapter before the family are seated. We +read as if we were reading for a wager. We drop on our knees, are in the +second or third sentence before they all get down. It is an express train, +with amen for the first depot. We rush for the hat and overcoat, and are on +the way to the store, leaving the impression that family prayers are a +necessary nuisance, and we had better not have had any gathering of the +family at all. Better have given them a kiss all around; it would have +taken less time and would have been more acceptable to God and them. + +Family prayers often fail in adaptedness. Do not read for the morning +lesson a genealogical chapter, or about Samson setting the foxes' tails on +fire, or the prophecy about the horses, black and red, and speckled, unless +you explain why they were speckled. For all the good your children get from +such reading, you might as well have read a Chinese almanac. Rather give +the story of Jesus, and the children climbing into his arms, or the lad +with the loaves and fishes, or the Sea of Galilee dropping to sleep under +Christ's lullaby. + +Stop and ask questions. Make the exercise so interesting that little Johnny +will stop playing with his shoe-strings, and Jenny will quit rubbing the +cat's fur the wrong way. Let the prayer be pointed and made up of small +words, and no wise information to the Lord about things He knows without +your telling Him. Let the children feel they are prayed for. Have a hymn +if any of you can sing. Let the season be spirited, appropriate and gladly +solemn. + +Family prayer also fails when the whole day is not in harmony with it. A +family prayer, to be worth anything, ought to be twenty-four hours long. It +ought to give the pitch to all the day's work and behavior. The day when we +get thoroughly mad upsets the morning devotion. The life must be in the +same key with the devotion. + +Family prayer is infinitely important. If you are a parent, and are not a +professor of religion, and do not feel able to compose a prayer, get some +one of the many books that have been written, put it down before you, and +read prayers for the household. God has said that He will "pour out His +fury upon the family that call not upon His name." + +Prayer for our children will be answered. My grandmother was a praying +woman. My father's name was David. One day, he and other members of the +family started for a gay party. Grandmother said: "Go, David, and enjoy +yourself; but all the time you and your brothers and sisters are there, I +will be praying for you." They went, but did not have a very good time, +knowing that their mother was praying for them. + +The next morning, grandmother heard loud weeping in the room below. She +went down and found her daughter crying violently. What was the matter? She +was in anxiety about her soul--an anxiety that found no relief short of the +cross. Word came that David was at the barn in great agony. Grandmother +went and found him on the barn floor, praying for the life of his soul. + +The news spread to the neighboring houses, and other parents became anxious +about their children, and the influence spread to the village of +Somerville, and there was a great turning unto God; and over two hundred +souls, in one day, stood up in the village church to profess faith in +Christ. And it all started from my grandmother's prayer for her sons and +daughters. May God turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the +hearts of the children to their fathers, lest He come and smite the earth +with a curse! + + + + +CHAPTER LXII. + +CALL TO SAILORS. + + +One of the children asked us at the tea-table if we had ever preached at +sea. We answered, No! but we talked one Sabbath, mid-Atlantic, to the +officers, crew and passengers of the steamship "China." By the way, I have +it as it was taken down at the time and afterward appeared in a newspaper, +and here is the extract: + +No persons bound from New York to Liverpool ever had more cause for +thanksgiving to God than we. The sea so smooth, the ship so staunch, the +companionship so agreeable, all the circumstances so favorable. O Thou who +holdest the winds in Thy fist, blessed be Thy glorious name for ever! + +Englishmen, Costa Ricans, Germans, Spaniards, Japanese, Irishmen, +Americans--gathered, never to meet again till the throne of judgment is +lifted--let us join hands to-day around the cross of Jesus and calculate +our prospect for eternity. A few moments ago we all had our sea-glasses up +watching the vessel that went by. "What is her name?" we all asked, and +"Whither is she bound?" + +We pass each other on the ocean of life to-day. We only catch a glimpse of +each other. The question is, "Whither are we bound? For harbor of light or +realm of darkness?" As we decide these questions, we decide everything. + +No man gets to heaven by accident. If we arrive there, it will be because +we turn the helm, set the sail, watch the compass and stand on the +"lookout" with reference to that destination. There are many ways of being +lost--only one way of being saved; Jesus Christ is the way. He comes +across the sea to-day, His feet on the glass of the wave, as on Galilee, +His arm as strong, His voice as soothing, His heart as warm. Whosoever will +may have His comfort, His pardon, His heaven. + +Officers and crew of this ship, have you not often felt the need of divine +help? In the hour of storm and shipwreck, far away from your homes, have +you not called for heavenly rescue? The God who then heard thy prayer will +hear thee now. Risk not your soul in the great future without compass, or +chart, or anchor, or helmsman. You will soon have furled your last sail, +and run up the last ratline, and weathered the last gale, and made the last +voyage. What next? Where then will be your home, who your companions, what +your occupation? + +Let us all thank God for this Sabbath which has come to us on the sea. How +beautifully it bridges the Atlantic! It hovers above every barque and brig +and steamer, it speaks of a Jesus risen, a grave conquered, a heaven open. +It is the same old Sabbath that blessed our early days. It is tropical in +its luxuriance, but all its leaves are prayers, and all its blossoms +praise. Sabbath on the sea! How solemn! How suggestive! Let all its hours, +on deck, in cabin, in forecastle, be sacred. + +Some of the old tunes that these sailors heard in boyhood times would sound +well to-day floating among the rigging. Try "Jesus, lover of my soul," or +"Come, ye sinners, poor and needy," or "There is a fountain filled with +blood." As soon as they try those old hymns, the memory of loved ones would +come back again, and the familiar group of their childhood would gather, +and father would be there, and mother who gave them such good advice when +they came to sea, and sisters and brothers long since scattered and gone. + +Some of you have been pursued by benedictions for many years. I care not +how many knots an hour you may glide along, the prayers once offered up for +your welfare still keep up with you. I care not on what shore you land, +those benedictions stand there to greet you. They will capture you yet for +heaven. The prodigal after a while gets tired of the swine-herd and starts +for home, and the father comes out to greet him, and the old homestead +rings with clapping cymbals, and quick feet, and the clatter of a banquet. +If the God of thy childhood days should accost thee with forgiving mercy, +this ship would be a Bethel, and your hammock to-night would be the foot of +the ladder down which the angels of God's love would come trooping. + +Now, may the blessing of God come down upon officers and crew and +passengers! Whatever our partings, our losses, our mistakes, our disasters +in life, let none of us miss heaven. On that shore may we land amid the +welcome of those who have gone before. They have long been waiting our +arrival, and are now ready to conduct us to the foot of the throne. Look, +all ye voyagers for eternity! Land ahead! Weeping may endure for a night, +but joy cometh in the morning. + +What Paul said to the crew and passengers on the corn-ship of the +Mediterranean is appropriate here: "Now I exhort you to be of good cheer!" +God fit us for the day when the archangel, with one foot on the sea and the +other on the land, shall swear by Him that liveth for ever and ever that +time shall be no longer! + + + + +CHAPTER LXIII. + +JEHOSHAPHAT'S SHIPPING. + + +Your attention is called to a Bible incident that you may not have noticed. +Jehoshaphat was unfortunate with his shipping. He was about to start +another vessel. The wicked men of Ahaziah wanted to go aboard that vessel +as sailors. Jehoshaphat refused to allow them to go, for the reason that he +did not want his own men to mingle with those vicious people. + +In other words, he knew what you and I know very well, that it is never +safe to go in the same boat with the wicked. But there are various +applications of that idea. We too often forget it, and are not as wise as +Jehoshaphat was when he refused to allow his men to be in companionship in +the same boat with the wicked men of Ahaziah. + +The principle I stated is appropriate to the formation, in the first place, +of all domestic alliances. I have often known women who married men for the +purpose of reforming them from dissipated habits. I never knew one +successful in the undertaking. Instead of the woman lifting the man up, the +man drags her down. This is inevitably the case. The greatest risk that one +ever undertakes is attempting the voyage of life in a boat in which the +wicked sail; this remark being most appropriate to the young persons who +are in my presence. It is never safe to sail with the sons of Ahaziah. The +aged men around me will bear out the statement that I have made. There is +no exception to it. + +The principle is just as true in regard to all business alliances. I know +it is often the case that men have not the choice of their worldly +associations, but there are instances where they may make their choice, and +in that case I wish them to understand that it is never safe to go in the +same boat with the vicious. No man can afford to stand in associations +where Christ is maligned and scoffed at, or the things of eternity +caricatured. Instead of your Christianizing them, they will heathenize you. +While you propose to lift them up, they will drag you down. It is a sad +thing when a man is obliged to stand in a business circle where men are +deriding the religion of the Lord Jesus Christ. For instance, rather than +to be associated in business circles with Frothinghamite infidelity, give +me a first-class Mohammedan, or an unconverted Chinese, or an unmixed +Hottentot. There is no danger that they will draw me down to their +religion. + +If, therefore, you have a choice when you go out in the world as to whether +you will be associated in business circles with men who love God, or those +who are hostile to the Christian religion, you might better sacrifice some +of your financial interests and go among the people of God than risk the +interests of your immortal soul. + +Jehoshaphat knew it was unsafe for his men to go in one boat with the men +of Ahaziah, and you cannot afford to have business associations with those +who despise God, and heed not His commandments. I admit the fact that a +great many men are forced into associations they despise, and there are +business circles in which we are compelled to go which we do not like, but +if you have a choice, see that you make an intelligent and safe one. + +This principle is just as true in regard to social connections. Let no +young man or woman go in a social circle where the influences are vicious +or hostile to the Christian religion. You will begin by reproving their +faults, and end by copying them. Sin is contagious. You go among those who +are profane, and you will be profane. You go among those who use impure +language, and you will use impure language. Go among those who are given to +strong drink, and you will inevitably become an inebriate. There is no +exception to the rule. A man is no better than the company he continually +keeps. + +It is always best to keep ourselves under Christian influences. It is not +possible, if you mingle in associations that are positively Christian, not +to be made better men or women. The Christian people with whom you +associate may not be always talking their religion, but there is something +in the moral atmosphere that will be life to your soul. You choose out for +your most intimate associates eight or ten Christian people. You mingle in +that association; you take their counsel; you are guided by their example, +and you live a useful life, and die a happy death, and go to a blessed +eternity. There is no possibility of mistaking it; there is not an +exception in all the universe or ages--not one. + +For this reason I wish that Christians engage in more religious +conversation. I do not really think that Christian talk is of so high a +type as it used to be. Some of you can look back to your very early days +and remember how the neighbors used to come in and talk by the hour about +Christ and heaven and their hopes of the eternal world. There has a great +deal of that gone out of fashion. + +I suppose that if ten or fifteen of us should happen to come into a circle +to spend the evening, we would talk about the late presidential election, +or the recent flurry in Wall street, and about five hundred other things, +and perhaps we would not talk any about Jesus Christ and our hopes of +heaven. That is not Christianity; that is heathenism. Indeed, I have +sometimes been amazed to find Christian people actually lacking in subjects +of conversation, while the two persons knew each of the other that he was a +Christian. + +You take two Christian people of this modern day and place them in the same +room (I suppose the two men may have no worldly subjects in common). What +are they talking about? There being no worldly subject common to them, they +are in great stress for a subject, and after a long pause Mr. A remarks: +"It is a pleasant evening." + +Again there is a long pause. These two men, both redeemed by the blood of +the Lord Jesus Christ, heaven above them, hell beneath them, eternity +before them, the glorious history of the Church of Jesus Christ behind +them, certainly after a while they will converse on the subject of +religion. A few minutes have passed and Mr. B remarks: "Fine autumn we are +having." + +Again there is a profound quiet. Now, you suppose that their religious +feelings have really been dammed back for a little while; the men have been +postponing the things of God and eternity that they may approach the +subject with more deliberation, and you wonder what useful thing Mr. B will +say to Mr. A in conversation. + +It is the third time, and perhaps it is the last that these two Christian +men will ever meet until they come face to face before the throne of God. +They know it. The third attempt is now made. Mr. A says to Mr. B: "Feels +like snow!" + +My opinion is, it must have felt more like ice. Oh, how little real, +practical religious conversation there is in this day! I would to God that +we might get back to the old-time Christianity, when men and women came +into associations, and felt, "Here I must use all the influence I can for +Christ upon that soul, and get all the good I can. This may be the last +opportunity I shall have in this world of interviewing that immortal +spirit." + +But there are Christian associations where men and women do talk out their +religion; and my advice to you is to seek out all those things, and +remember that just in proportion as you seek such society will you be +elevated and blessed. After all, the gospel boat is the only safe boat to +sail in. The ships of Jehoshaphat went all to pieces at Eziongeber. + +Come aboard this gospel craft, made in the dry-dock of heaven and launched +nineteen hundred years ago in Bethlehem amid the shouting of the angels. +Christ is the captain, and the children of God are the crew. The cargo is +made up of the hopes and joys of all the ransomed. It is a ship bound +heavenward, and all the batteries of God will boom a greeting as we sail in +and drop anchor in the still waters. Come aboard that ship; it is a safe +craft! The fare is cheap! It is a certain harbor! + +The men of Ahaziah were forbidden to come aboard the ships of Jehoshaphat, +but all the world is invited to board this gospel craft. The vessel of +Jehoshaphat went to pieces, but this craft shall drop anchor within the +harbor, and mountains shall depart, and hills shall be removed, and seas +shall dry up, and time itself shall perish, but the mercy of the Lord is +from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him. + + + + +CHAPTER LXIV. + +ALL ABOUT MERCY. + + +Benedict XIII. decreed that when the German: Catholics met each other, they +should always give the following salutation, the one first speaking saying, +"Praised be Jesus Christ," the other responding, "For ever, amen," a +salutation fit for Protestants whenever they come together. + +The word "mercy" is used in the Bible two hundred and fourteen times; it +seems to be the favorite word of all the Scriptures. Sometimes it glances +feebly upon us like dew in the starlight; then with bolder hand it seems to +build an arched bridge from one storm-cloud of trouble to another; and then +again it trickles like a fountain upon the thirst of the traveler. + +The finest roads I ever saw are in Switzerland. They are built by the +government, and at very short intervals you come across water pouring out +of the rocks. The government provides cups for men and troughs for the +animals to drink out of. And our King has so arranged it that on the +highway we are traveling toward heaven, ever and anon there shall dash upon +us the clear, sweet water that flows from the eternal Rock. I propose to +tell you some things about God's mercy. + +First, think of His pardoning mercy. The gospel finds us shipwrecked; the +wave beneath ready to swallow us, the storm above pelting us, our good +works foundered, there is no such thing as getting ashore unhelped. The +gospel finds us incarcerated; of all those who have been in thick dungeon +darkness, not one soul ever escaped by his own power. If a soul is +delivered at all, it is because some one on the outside shall shove the +bolt and swing open the door, and let the prisoner come out free. + +The sin of the soul is not, as some would seem to think, just a little dust +on the knee or elbow that you can strike off in a moment and without any +especial damage to you. Sin has utterly discomfited us; it has ransacked +our entire nature; it has ruined us so completely that no human power can +ever reconstruct us; but through the darkness of our prison gloom and +through the storm there comes a voice from heaven, saying, "I will +abundantly pardon." + +Then think of His restraining mercy. I do not believe that it is possible +for any man to tell his capacity for crime until he has been tested. There +have been men who denounced all kinds of frauds, who scorned all mean +transactions, who would have had you believe that it was impossible for +them ever to be tempted to dishonesty, and yet they may be owning to-day +the chief part of the stock in the Credit Mobilier. + +There are men who once said they never could be tempted to intemperance. +They had no mercy on the drunkard. They despised any man who became a +victim of strong drink. Time passed on, and now they are the victims of the +bottle, so far gone in their dissipation that it is almost impossible that +they ever should be rescued. + +So there have been those who were very hard on all kinds of impurity, and +who scoffed at unchastity, and who said that it was impossible that they +should ever be led astray; but to-night they are in the house whose gates +are the gates of hell! It is a very dangerous thing for a man to make a +boast and say, "Such and such a sin I never could be tempted to commit." + +There are ten thousand hands of mercy holding us up; there are ten thousand +hands of mercy holding us back, or we would long ago have gone over the +precipice, and instead of sitting to-night in a Christian sanctuary, amid +the respected and the good, our song would have been that of the drunkard, +or we would be "hail fellows well met" with the renegade and the +profligate. Oh, the restraining mercy of God! Have you never celebrated it? +Have you never rejoiced in it? + +Think also of His guiding mercy. You have sometimes been on a journey, and +come to where there were three roads--one ahead of you, one to the right +and one to the left. It was a lonely place, and you had no one of whom to +ask advice. You took the left-hand road, thinking that was the right one, +but before night you found out your mistake, and yet your horse was too +exhausted and you were too tired to retrace your steps, and the mistake you +made was an irretrievable mistake. + +You come on in life, many a time, and find there are three or four or fifty +roads, and which one of the fifty to take you do not know. Let me say that +there are forty-nine chances out of fifty that you will take the wrong one, +unless God directs you, since it is a great deal easier to do that which is +wrong than that which is right, our nature being corrupt and depraved. + +Blessed be God, we have a directory! As a man lost on the mountains takes +out his map and sees the right road marked down, and makes up his mind what +to do, so the Lord, in His gospel map, has said: "This is the way, walk ye +in it." Blessed be God for His guiding mercy! + +Think also of the comforting mercy of God. In the days when men lived five +or six or seven hundred years, I suppose that troubles and misfortunes came +to them at very great intervals. Life did not go so fast. There were not so +many vicissitudes; there was not so much jostling. I suppose that now a +man in forty years will have as many vexations and annoyances and hardships +and trials and temptations as those antediluvians had in four hundred +years. + +No one escapes. If you are not wounded in this side, you must be wounded in +that. There are foes all around about you. There is no one who has come up +to this moment without having been cleft of misfortunes, without having +been disappointed and vexed and outraged and trampled on. + +The world comes and tries to solace us, but I think the most impotent thing +on earth is human comfort when there is no gospel mixed with it. It is a +sham and an insult to a wounded spirit--all the comfort that this world can +offer a man; but in his time of darkness and perplexity and bereavement and +persecution and affliction, Christ comes to him with the solace of His +Spirit, and He says: "Oh, thou tempted one, thou shalt not be tempted above +that thou art able." He tells the invalid, "There is a land where the +inhabitants never say, 'I am sick.'" He says to the assaulted one, "You are +no better than I am; they maltreated me, and the servant ought not to +expect to have it easier than his Lord." + +He comes to the bereaved one and says: "I am the resurrection and the life; +he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." And if +the trouble be intricate, if there be so many prongs to it, so many horns +to it, so many hoofs to it, that he cannot take any of the other promises +and comforts of God's word to his soul, he can take that other promise made +for a man in the last emergency and when everything else fails: "All things +work together for good to those that love God." Oh, have you never sung of +the comforting mercy of God? + +Think also of His enthroning mercy. Notwithstanding there are so many +comforts in Christ's gospel, I do not think that we could stand the assault +and rebuff of the world for ever. We all were so weary of the last war. It +seemed as if those four years were as long as any fifteen or twenty years +of our life. But how could we endure one hundred years, or five hundred +years, or a thousand years, of earthly assault? Methinks the spirit would +wear down under the constant chafing and the assault of the world. + +Blessed be God, this story of grief and trouble and perplexity will come to +an end! There are twelve gates to heaven, and they are all gates of mercy. +There are paths coming into all those gates, and they are all paths of +mercy. There are bells that ring in the eternal towers, and they are all +chimes of mercy. There are mansions prepared for us in this good land when +we have done with the toils of earth, and all those mansions are mansions +of mercy. Can you not now strike upon your soul, saying, "Bless the Lord, O +my soul, for thy pardoning mercy, for thy restraining mercy, for thy +guiding mercy, for thy comforting mercy, for thy enthroning mercy!" + + + + +CHAPTER LXV. + +UNDER THE CAMEL'S SADDLE. + + +Rachel had been affianced to Jacob, and one day while her father, Laban, +was away from home she eloped with Jacob. Laban returned home and expressed +great sorrow that he had not been there when his daughter went away, saying +that he would have allowed her to go, and that she might have been +accompanied with a harp and the dance and with many beautiful presents. + +Laban started for Rachel and Jacob. He was very anxious to recover the gods +that had been stolen from his household. He supposed that Rachel had taken +them, as she really had. He came up in the course of a few days to the +party and demanded the gods that had been taken from his house. Jacob knew +nothing about the felony, but Rachel was secreting these household gods. + +Laban came into the tent where she was, and asked for them. She sat upon a +saddle of a camel, the saddle having been laid down at the side of the +tent, and under this camel's saddle were the images. Rachel pretended to be +sick, and said she could not rise. Her father, Laban, supposed that she +told the truth, and looked everywhere but under the camel's saddle, where +really the lost images were. He failed in the search, and went back home +without them. + +It was a strange thing for Laban to do. He pretended to be a worshiper of +the true God. What did he want of those images? Ah, the fact was, that +though he worshiped God, he worshiped with only half a heart, and he +sometimes, I suppose, repented of the fact that he worshiped him at all, +and really had a hankering after those old gods which in his earliest days +he had worshiped. And now we find him in Rachel's tent looking for them. + +Do not let us, however, be too severely critical of Laban. He is only the +representative of thousands of Christian men and women, who, once having +espoused the worship of God, go back to their idols. When a man professes +faith in Christ on communion-day, with the sacramental cup in his hand, he +swears allegiance to the Lord God Almighty, and says, "Let all my idols +perish!" but how many of us have forsaken our fealty to God, and have gone +back to our old idols! + +There are many who sacrifice their soul's interests in the idolatry of +wealth. There was a time when you saw the folly of trying with, money to +satisfy the longing of your soul. You said, when you saw men going down +into the dust and tussle of life, "Whatever god I worship, it won't be a +golden calf." You saw men plunge into the life of a spendthrift, or go down +into the life of a miser, like one of old smothered to death in his own +money-chest, and you thought, "I shall be very careful never to be caught +in these traps in which so many men have fallen, to their souls' eternal +discomfiture." + +But you went down into the world; you felt-the force of temptation; you saw +men all around you making money very fast, some of them sacrificing all +their Christian principle; you felt the fascination come upon your own +soul, and before you knew it, you were with Laban going down to hunt in +Rachel's tent for your lost idols. + +On one of our pieces of money you find the head of a goddess, a poor +inscription for an American coin; far better the inscription that the old +Jews put upon the shekel, a pot of manna and an almond rod, alluding to the +mercy and deliverance of God in their behalf in other days. But how seldom +it is that money is consecrated to Christ! Instead of the man owning the +money, the money owns the man. It is evident, especially to those with whom +they do business every day, that they have an idol, or that, having once +forsaken the idol, they are now in search of it, far away from the house of +God, in Rachel's tent looking for the lost images. + +One of the mighty men of India said to his servants: "Go not near the cave +in such a ravine." The servants talked the matter over, and said: "There +must be gold there, or certainly this mighty man would not warn us against +going." They went, expecting to find a pile of gold; they rolled away the +stone from the door of the cave, when a tiger sprang out upon them and +devoured them. + +Many a man in the search of gold has been craunched in the jaws of +destruction. Going out far away from the God whom they originally +worshiped, they are seeking in the tent of Rachel, Laban's lost images. + +There are a great many Christians in this day renewing the idolatry of +human opinion. There was a time when they woke up to the folly of listening +to what men said to them. They soliloquized in this way: "I have a God to +worship, and I am responsible only to Him. I must go straight on and do my +whole duty, whether the world likes it or don't like it;" and they turned a +deaf ear to the fascinations of public applause. After a while they did +something very popular. They had the popular ear and the popular heart. Men +approved them, and poured gentle words of flattery into their ear, and +before they realized it they went into the search of that which they had +given up, and were, with Laban, hunting in Rachel's tent for the lost +images. + +Between eleven and twelve o'clock one June night, Gibbon, the great +historian, finished his history. Seated in a summer garden, he says that as +he wrote the last line of that wonderful work he felt great satisfaction. +He closed the manuscript, walked out into the moonlight in the garden, and +then, he said, he felt an indescribable melancholy come upon his soul at +the thought that so soon he must leave all the fame that he would acquire +by that manuscript. + +The applause of this world is a very mean god to worship. It is a Dagon +that falls upon its worshipers and crushes them to death. Alas for those +who, fascinated by human applause, give up the service of the Lord God and +go with Laban to hunt in Rachel's tent for the lost images! + +There are many Christians being sacrificed to appetite. There was a time +when they said: "I will not surrender to evil appetites." For a while they +seemed to break away from all the allurements by which they were +surrounded, but sometimes they felt that they were living upon a severe +regimen. They said: "After all, I will go back to my old bondage;" and they +fell away from the house of God, and fell away from respectability, and +fell away for ever. + +One of the kings in olden times, the legend says, consented that the devil +might kiss him on both shoulders, but no sooner were the kisses imprinted +upon the shoulders than serpents grew forth and began to devour him, and as +the king tried to tear off the serpents he found he was tearing his own +life out. And there are men who are all enfolded in adders of evil appetite +and passion that no human power can ever crush; and unless the grace of God +seizes hold of them, these adders will become "the worm that never dies." +Alas for those who, once having broken away from the mastery of evil +appetites and passion, go back to the sins that they once renounced, and, +with Laban in Rachel's tent, go to hunt for the lost images! + +There are a great many also sacrificed by indolence. In the hour of their +conversion they looked off upon the world, and said: "Oh how much work to +be done, how many harvests to be gathered, how many battles to be fought, +how many tears to be wiped away, and how many wounds to be bound up!" and +they looked with positive surprise upon those who could sit idle in the +kingdom of God while there was so much work to do. After a while they found +their efforts were unappreciated, that some of their best work in behalf of +Christ was caricatured and they were laughed at, and they began to relax +their effort, and the question was no more, "What can I do for Christ?" but +"How can I take my ease? where can I find my rest?" Are there not some of +you who in the hour of your consecration started out nobly, bravely and +enthusiastically for the Saviour's kingdom who have fallen back into ease +of body and ease of soul, less anxious about the salvation of men than you +once were, and are actually this moment in Rachel's tent hunting up the +lost images? + +Oh, why go down hunting for our old idols? We have found out they are +insufficient for the soul. Eyes have they, but they see not; ears have +they, but, they hear not; and hands have they, but they handle not. There +is only one God to worship, and He sits in the heavens. + +How do I know that there is only one God? I know it just as the boy knew it +when his teacher asked him how many Gods there are. He said, "There is but +one." + +"How do you know that?" inquired the teacher. + +The boy replied, "There is only room for one, for He fills the heavens and +the earth." + +Come into the worship of that God. He is a wise God. He can plan out all +the affairs of your life. He can mark out all the steps that you ought to +take. He will put the sorrows in the right place, and the victories in the +right place, and the defeats in the right place; and coming to the end of +your life, if you have served Him faithfully, you will be compelled to say, +"Just and true are thy ways; thou art, O Lord, always right." + +He is a mighty God. Have Him on your side, and you need not fear earth or +hell. He can ride down all your spiritual foes. He is mighty to overthrow +your enemies. He is mighty to save your soul. Ay, He is a loving God. He +will put the arms of His love around about your neck. He will bring you +close to His heart and shelter you from the storm. In times of trouble He +will put upon your soul the balm of precious promises. He will lead you all +through the vale of tears trustfully and happily, and then at last take you +to dwell in His presence, where there is fullness of joy, and at His right +hand, where there are pleasures for evermore. Oh, compared with such a wise +God, such a mighty God, such a loving God, what are all the images under +the camel's saddle in the tent of Rachel? + + + + +CHAPTER LXVI. + +HALF-AND-HALF CHURCHES. + + +There is a verse in Revelation that presents a nauseated Christ: "Because +thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my +mouth." + +After we have been taking a long walk on a summer day, or been on a hunting +chase, a draught of cold water exhilarates. On the other hand, after +standing or walking in the cold air and being chilled, hot water, mingled +with some beverage, brings life and comfort to the whole body; but tepid +water, neither hot nor cold, is nauseating. + +Now, Christ says that a church of that temperature acts on him as an +emetic: I will spew thee out of my mouth. + +The church that is red hot with religious emotion, praying, singing, +working, Christ having taken full possession of the membership, must be to +God satisfactory. + +On the other hand, a frozen church may have its uses. The minister reads +elegant essays, and improves the session or the vestry in rhetorical +composition. The music is artistic and improves the ear of the people, so +that they can better appreciate concert and opera. + +The position of such a church is profitable to the book-binder who +furnishes the covers to the liturgy, and the dry-goods merchants who supply +the silks, and the clothiers who furnish the broadcloth. Such a church is +good for the business world, makes trade lively and increases the demand +for fineries of all sorts, for a luxurious religion demands furs and coats, +and gaiters to match. Christ says he gets along with a church, cold or +hot. + +But an unmitigated nuisance to God and man is a half-and-half church, with +piety tepid. The pulpit in such a church makes more of orthodoxy than it +does of Christ. It is immense on definitions. It treats of justification +and sanctification as though they were two corpses to be dissected. Its +sermons all have a black morocco cover, which some affectionate sister gave +the pastor before he was married, to wrap his discourse in, lest it get +mussed in the dust of the pulpit. Its gestures are methodical, as though +the man were ever conscious that they had been decreed from all eternity, +and he were afraid of interfering with the decree by his own free agency. + +Such a pulpit never startles the people with the horrors of an undone +eternity. No strong meat, but only pap, flour and water, mostly water. The +church prayer-meeting is attended only by a few gray heads who have been in +the habit of going there for twenty years, not because they expect any +arousing time or rapturous experiences, but because they feel only a few +will be there, and they ought to go. + +The minister is sound. The membership sound. The music sound. If, standing +in a city of a hundred thousand people, there are five or ten conversions +in a year, everything is thought to be "encouraging." But Christ says that +such a church is an emetic. "Because thou art neither cold nor hot, I will +spew thee out of my mouth." + +My friends, you had better warm up or freeze over. Better set the kettle +outside in the atmosphere at zero, or put it on the altar of God and stir +up the coals into a blaze. If we do not, God will remove us. + +Christian men are not always taken to heaven as a reward, but sometimes to +get them out of the way on earth. They go to join the tenth-rate saints in +glory; for if such persons think they will stand with Paul, and Harlan +Page, and Charlotte Elizabeth, they are much mistaken. + +When God takes them up, the church here is better off. We mourn slightly to +have them go, because we have got used to having them around, and at the +funeral the minister says all the good things about the man that can well +be thought of, because we want to make the funeral as respectable as +possible. I never feel so much tempted to lie as when an inconsistent and +useless Christian has died, and I want in my final remarks to make a good +case out for the poor fellow. Still, it is an advantage to have such a man +get out of the way. He is opposed to all new enterprises. He puts back +everything he tries to help. His digestion of religious things is impaired, +and his circulation is so poor that no amount of friction can arouse him. + +Now, it is dangerous for any of you to stay in that condition. If you +cannot be moved, God will kill you, and He will put in your place those who +will do the work you are neglecting. + +My friends, let all arouse! The nearness of our last account, the greatness +of the work to be done, and the calls of God's word and providence, ought +to stir our souls. After having been in the harvest field so long it would +be a shame in the nightfall of death to go home empty-handed. Gather up a +few gleanings from the field, and beat them out, that it may be found that +Ruth had at least "one ephah of barley." + + + + +CHAPTER LXVII. + +THORNS. + + +The Christian world has long been guessing what Paul's thorn in the flesh +was. I have a book that in ten pages tries to show what Paul's thorn was +not, and in another ten pages tries to show what it was. + +Many of the theological doctors have felt Paul's pulse to see what was the +matter with him. I suppose that the reason he did not tell us what it was +may have been because he did not want us to know. He knew that if he stated +what it was there would have been a great many people from Corinth +bothering him with prescriptions as to how he might cure it. + +Some say it was diseased eyes, some that it was a humped back. It may have +been neuralgia. Perhaps it was gout, although his active habits and a +sparse diet throw doubt on the supposition. Suffice to say it was a +thorn--that is, it stuck him. It was sharp. + +It was probably of not much account in the eyes of the world. It was not a +trouble that could be compared to a lion or a boisterous sea. It was like a +thorn that you may have in your hand or foot and no one know it. Thus we +see that it becomes a type of those little nettlesome worries of life that +exasperate the spirit. + +Every one has a thorn sticking him. The housekeeper finds it in unfaithful +domestics; or an inmate who keeps things disordered; or a house too small +for convenience or too large to be kept cleanly. The professional man finds +it in perpetual interruptions or calls for "more copy." The Sabbath-school +teacher finds it in inattentive scholars, or neighboring teachers that talk +loud and make a great noise in giving a little instruction. + +One man has a rheumatic joint which, when the wind is northeast, lifts the +storm signal. Another a business partner who takes full half the profits, +but does not help earn them. These trials are the more nettlesome because, +like Paul's thorn, they are not to be mentioned. Men get sympathy for +broken bones and mashed feet, but not for the end of sharp thorns that have +been broken off in the fingers. + +Let us start out with the idea that we must have annoyances. It seems to +take a certain number of them to keep us humble, wakeful and prayerful. To +Paul the thorn was as disciplinary as the shipwreck. If it is not one +thing, it is another. If the stove does not smoke, the boiler must leak. If +the pen is good, the ink must be poor. If the editorial column be able, +there must be a typographical blunder. If the thorn does not pierce the +knee, it must take you in the back. Life must have sharp things in it. We +cannot make up our robe of Christian character without pins and needles. + +We want what Paul got--grace to bear these things. Without it we become +cross, censorious and irascible. We get in the habit of sticking our thorns +into other people's fingers. But God helping us, we place these annoyances +in the category of the "all things that work together for good." We see how +much shorter these thorns are than the spikes that struck through the palms +of Christ's hands; and remembering that he had on his head a whole crown of +thorns, we take to ourselves the consolation that if we suffer with him on +earth we shall be glorified with him in heaven. + +But how could Paul positively rejoice in these infirmities? I answer that +the school of Christ has three classes of scholars. In the first class we +learn how to be stuck with thorns without losing our patience. In the +second class we learn how to make the sting positively advantageous. In the +third class of this school we learn how even to rejoice in being pierced +and wounded, but that is the senior class; and when we get to that, we are +near graduation into glory. + + + + +CHAPTER LXVIII. + +WHO TOUCHED ME? + + +There is nothing more unreasonable and ungovernable than a crowd of people. +Men who standing alone or in small groups are deliberate in all they do, +lose their self-control when they come to stand in a crowd. You have +noticed this, if you have heard a cry of fire in a large assemblage, or +have seen people moving about in great excitement in some mass-meeting, +shoving, jostling and pulling at each other. + +But while the Lord Jesus had been performing some wonderful works, and a +great mob of people were around Him, shoving this way and that way, all the +jostling He received evoked from Him no response. + +After a while I see a wan and wasted woman pressing through the crowd. She +seems to have a very urgent errand. I can see from her countenance that she +has been a great sufferer. She comes close enough to put her finger on the +hem of Christ's garment, and the very moment she puts her finger on that +garment, Jesus says: "Who touched me?" + +I would like to talk to you of the extreme sensitiveness of Jesus. It is +very often the case that those men who are mighty, have very little +fineness of feeling; but notwithstanding the fact that the Lord Jesus +Christ was the King of glory, having all power in heaven and on earth, so +soon as this sick woman comes up and puts her finger on the hem of His +garment, that moment all the feelings of His soul are aroused, and He cries +out: "Who touched me?" + +I remark that poverty touches Him. The Bible says that this woman had +spent all her money on physicians; she had not got the worth of her money. +Those physicians in Oriental lands were very incompetent for their work, +and very exorbitant in their demands. You know they have a habit even to +this day in those countries of making very singular charges. Sometimes they +examine the capacity of the person to pay, and they take the entire estate. + +At any rate, this woman spoken of in the text had spent her money on +physicians, and very poor physicians at that. The Lord saw her poverty and +destitution. He knew from what a miserable home she had come. He did not +ask, "Who touched me?" because He did not know; He wanted to evoke that +woman's response, and He wanted to point all the multitude to her +particular case before her cure was effected, in order that the miraculous +power might be demonstrated before all the people, and that they might be +made to believe. + +In this day, as then, the touch of poverty always evokes Christ's +attention. If you be one who has had a hard struggle to get daily bread--if +the future is all dark before you--if you are harassed and perplexed, and +know not which way to turn, I want you to understand that, although in this +world there may be no sympathy for you, the heart of the Lord Jesus Christ +is immediately moved, and you have but to go to Him and touch Him with your +little finger, and you arouse all the sympathies of His infinite nature. + +I also learn that sickness touches Him. She had been an invalid for twelve +years. How many sleepless nights, what loss of appetite, what nervousness, +what unrest, what pain of body, the world knew not. But when she came up +and put her finger on Christ's garment, all her suffering thrilled through +the heart of Christ instantaneously. + +When we are cast down with Asiatic cholera or yellow fever, we cry to God +for pity; but in the ailments of life that continue from day to day, month +to month and year to year are you in the habit of going to Christ for +sympathy? Is it in some fell disaster alone that you call to God for mercy, +or is it in the little aches and pains of your life that you implore Him? +Don't try to carry these burdens alone. These chronic diseases are the +diseases that wear out and exhaust Christian grace, and you need to get a +new supply. Go to Him this night, if never before, with all your ailments +of body, and say: "Lord Jesus, look upon my aches and pains. In this humble +and importunate prayer I touch thee." + +I remark further that the Saviour is touched with all bereavements. Perhaps +there is not a single room in your house but reminds you of some one who +has gone. You cannot look at a picture without thinking she admired that. +You cannot see a toy but you think she played with it. You cannot sit down +and put your fingers on the piano without thinking she used to handle this +instrument, and everything that is beautiful in your home is suggestive of +positive sadness. + +Graves! graves! graves! It is the history of how many families to-night! +You measure your life from tear to tear, from groan to groan, from anguish +to anguish, and sometimes you feel that God has forsaken you, and you say, +"Is His mercy clean gone forever, and will He be favorable no more?" + +Can it be, my afflicted friends, that you have been so foolish as to try to +carry the burden alone, when there is an almighty arm willing to be thrust +under you? Can it be that you have traveled that desert not willing to +drink of the fountains that God opened at your feet? Oh, have you not +realized the truth that Jesus is sympathetic with bereavement? Did He not +mourn at the grave of Lazarus, and will He not weep with all those who are +mourning over the dead? + +You may feel faint from your bereavements, and you may not know which way +to turn, and all human solace may go for nothing; but if you would this +night with your broken heart just go one step further forward, pressing +through all the crowd of your perplexities, anxieties and sorrows, you +might with one finger move His heart, and He would say, looking upon you +with infinite comfort and compassion, "Who touched me?" + +I remark that all our sins touch Him. It is generally the fact that we make +a record only of those sins which are sins of the action; but where there +is one sin of the action there are thousands of thought. Let us remember +that God puts down in His book all the iniquitous thoughts that have ever +gone through your souls. There they stand--the sins of 1820; the sins of +1825; all the sins of 1831; the sins of 1835; the sins of 1840; the sins of +1846; the sins of 1850; the sins of 1853; the sins of 1859; the sins of +1860; the sins of 1865; the sins of 1870; the sins of 1874. Oh, I can't +think of it with any degree of composure. I should fly in terror did I not +feel that those sins had been erased by the hand of my Lord Jesus +Christ--that hand which was wounded for my transgression. + +The snow falls on the Alps flake by flake, and day after day, and month +after month, and after a while, at the touch of a traveler's foot, the +avalanche slides down upon the villages with terrific crash and thunder. So +the sins of our life accumulate and pile up, and after a while, unless we +are rescued by the grace of our Lord Jesus, they will come down upon our +souls in an avalanche of eternal ruin. + +When we think of our sins, we are apt to think of those we have recently +committed--those sins of the past day, or the past week, or the past year; +those sins that have been in the far distance are all gone from our memory. +You can't call a half dozen of them up in your mind. But God remembers +every one of them. There is a record made of them. They will be your +overthrow unless you somehow get them out of that book. + +In the great day of judgment, God will call the roll, and they will all +answer, "here!" "here!" "here!" + +Oh, how they have wounded Jesus! Did He not come into this world to save +us? Have not these sins been committed against the heart and mercy of our +Lord Jesus? Sins committed against us by an enemy we can stand; but by a +friend, how hard it is to bear! Have we not wounded the Lord Jesus Christ +in the house of His friends? + +Since we stood up in the presence of the great congregation and attested +our love for Christ and said from this time we will serve the Lord, have we +not all been recreant? Have we not gone astray like lost sheep, and there +is no health in us? Oh, they touch Christ; they have touched Him on the +tenderest spot of His heart. + +Let us bemoan this treatment of our best friend. It seems to me Christ was +never so lovely as He is now--the chief among ten thousand and the one +altogether lovely. Why can't you come and put your trust in Him? He is an +infinite Saviour. He can take all the iniquities of your life and cast them +behind His back. Blessed is the man who has obtained His forgiveness, and +whose sins are covered! + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Around The Tea-Table, by T. 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