diff options
Diffstat (limited to '14652-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 14652-0.txt | 1022 |
1 files changed, 1022 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/14652-0.txt b/14652-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2bf99aa --- /dev/null +++ b/14652-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1022 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14652 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +June 4, 1892. + + + + +LOST LUGGAGE. + +(_OR THE EXPERIENCES OF A "VACUUS VIATOR."_) + +_At the Douane, Ostend._--Just off _Princesse Henriette_; passengers +hovering about excitedly with bunches of keys, waiting for their +luggage to be brought ashore. Why can't they take things quietly--like +_me_? _I_ don't worry. Saw my portmanteau and bag labelled at +Victoria. Sure to turn up in due time. Some men when they travel +insist on taking hand-bags into the carriage with them--foolish, when +they might have them put in the van and get rid of all responsibility. +The _douaniers_ are examining the luggage--don't see mine--as yet. +It's all _right_, of course. People who are going on to Brussels and +Antwerp at once would naturally have their luggage brought out first. +Don't see the good of rushing about like that myself. I shall stay the +night here--put up at one of the hotels on the Digue, dine, and get +through the evening pleasantly at the Kursaal--sure to be _something_ +going on. Then I can go comfortably on by a mid-day train to-morrow. +Meanwhile my luggage still tarries. If I was a nervous man--luckily +I'm _not_. Come--that's the _bag_ at all events, with everything I +shall want for the night.... Annoying. Some other fellow's bag.... +No more luggage being brought out. Getting anxious--at least, just a +shade uneasy. Perhaps if I asked somebody--Accost a Belgian porter; +he wants my baggage ticket. They never gave me any ticket. It _did_ +occur to me (in the train) that I had always had my luggage registered +on going abroad before, but I supposed _they_ knew best, and didn't +worry. I came away to get a rest and avoid worry, and I _won't_ +worry.... The Porter and I have gone on board to hunt for the things. +They aren't _there_. Left behind at Dover probably. Wire for them at +once. No idea how difficult it was to describe luggage vividly and +yet economically till I tried. However, it will be sent on by the next +boat, and arrive some time in the evening, so it's of no consequence. +Now for the Hotel. Ask for the bus for the _Continental_. The +_Continental_ is not open yet. Very well, the _Hôtel de la Plage_, +then. Closed! All the hotels facing the sea _are_, it seems. +Sympathetic Porter recommends one in the town, and promises to come +and tell me as soon as the luggage turns up. + +[Illustration: "Please, de tings!"] + +_At the Hotel._--Find, on getting out of the omnibus, that the Hotel +is being painted; entrance blocked by ladders and pails. Squeeze past, +and am received in the hall by the Proprietress and a German Waiter. +"Certainly they can give me a room--my baggage shall be taken up +immed--" Here I have to explain that this is impracticable, as my +baggage has unfortunately been left behind. Think I see a change in +their manner at this. A stranger who comes abroad with nothing but +a stick and an umbrella cannot _expect_ to inspire confidence, I +suppose. I remark to the Waiter that the luggage is sure to follow me +by the next boat, but it strikes even myself that I do not bring this +out with quite a sincere ring. Not at all the manner of a man who +possesses a real portmanteau. I order dinner--the kind of dinner, +I feel, that a man who did not intend to pay for it _would_ order. +I detect this impression in the Waiter's eye. If he dared, I know +he would suggest tea and a boiled egg as more seemly under the +circumstances. + +_On the Digue._--Thought, it being holiday time, that there would +be more gaiety; but Ostend just now perhaps a little lacking in +liveliness--hotels, villas, and even the Kursaal all closely boarded +up with lead-coloured shutters. Only other person on Promenade a +fisher-boy scrooping over the tiles in _sabots_. I come to a glazed +shelter, and find the seats choked with drifting sand, and protected +with barbed wire. This depresses me. I did not want to sit down--but +the barbed wire _does_ seem needlessly unkind. Walk along the +sand-dunes; must pass the time somehow till dinner, and the arrival of +my luggage. Wonder whether it really _was_ labelled "Ostend." Suppose +the porter thought I said "Rochester" ... in that case--I will _not_ +worry about it like this. I will go back and see the town. + +I have; it is like a good many other foreign towns. I am melancholy. +I _can't_ dismiss that miserable luggage from my mind. To be alone +in a foreign land, without so much as a clean sock, is a distressing +position for a sensitive person. If I could only succeed in seeing a +humorous element in it, it would be _something_--but I can't. It is +too forlorn to be at all funny. And there is still an hour and a half +to get through before dinner! + +I have dined--in a small room, with a stove, a carved buffet, and a +portrait of the King of the BELGIANS; but my spirits are still low. +German Waiter dubious about me; reserving his opinion for the present. +He comes in with a touch of new deference in his manner. "Please, +a man from de shdation for you." I go out--to find the sympathetic +Porter. My baggage has arrived? It has; it is at the Douane, waiting +for me. I am saved! I tell the Waiter, without elation, but with +what, I trust, is a calm dignity--the dignity of a man who has been +misunderstood, but would scorn to resent it. + +_At the Station._--I have accompanied the Porter to the Terminus, such +a pleasant helpful fellow, so intelligent! The Ostend streets much +less dull at night. Feel relieved, in charity with all the world, now +that my prodigal portmanteau is safely reclaimed. Porter takes me +into a large luggage-room. Don't see my things just at first. "Your +baggage--_ere!_" says the Porter, proudly, and points out a little +drab valise with shiny black leather covers and brass studs--the kind +of thing a man goes a journey with in a French Melodrama! He is quite +hurt when I repudiate it indignantly; he tries to convince me that +it is mine--the fool! There is no other baggage of any sort, and mine +can't possibly arrive now before to-morrow afternoon, if then. Nothing +for it but to go back, luggageless, to the Hotel--and face that +confounded Waiter. + +Walk about the streets. Somehow I don't feel quite up to going back +to the Hotel just yet. The shops, which are small and rather dimly +lighted, depress me. There is no theatre, nor _café chantant_ open +apparently. If there were, I haven't the heart for them to-night. Hear +music from a small _estaminet_ in a back street; female voice, with +fine Cockney accent, is singing "_Oh, dem Golden Slippers!_" Wonder +where _my_ slippers are! + +_In my Bedroom._--I have had to come back at last, and get it +over with the Waiter. If he felt _any_ surprise, I think it was +to see me back at all. I have had to ask him if he could get me +some sleeping-things to pass the night in. _And_ a piece of soap. +Humiliating, but unavoidable. He promised, but he has not brought +them. Probably this last request has done for me, and he is now +communicating with the police.... + +A tap at my door. "Please, de tings!" says the Waiter. I have wronged +him. He has brought me _such_ a nightgown! Never saw anything in the +least like it before. It has flowers embroidered all down the front +and round the cuffs, and on every button something is worked in tiny +blue letters, which, on inspection, turns out to be "Good-night." I +don't quite know why, but, in my present state, I find this strangely +consoling, and even touching--like a benediction. After all, he _must_ +believe in me, or he would hardly confide his purple and fine linen to +me like this. Go to bed gorgeous, and dream that my portmanteau, bag, +and self-respect are all restored to me by the afternoon boat.... +There must be something in dreams, for, oddly enough, this is exactly +what _does_ happen. + +Next morning, at breakfast, I am handed a mysterious and, at first +sight, rather alarming telegram from the Station-master at Dover. +"Your bones will be sent on next boat." Suspect the word in the +original was "_boxes_." But they may call them what they like, so +long as I get them back again. + + * * * * * + +"_The Campaign against the Jebus. Gallant Advance of the British._" +Dear old Mrs. RAM wants to know "who is commanding the British forces +in the campaign against the Jebus" (which she spells "Gibus")? +_Mr. Punch_ is glad to inform his estimable correspondent that the +principal officers commanding in the Gibus Campaign are Generals +WIDE-AWAKE, BILLICOCK, JIMCROW, POTT, and BELTOPPER. Their strategical +movements are worthy of the First Nap. + + * * * * * + +CONSIDERATE.--Arrangements are to be made for all Standing Committees +in future to sit at certain hours. "For this relief, much thanks," as +WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, M.P., observed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RECIPROCAL. + +_Sporting Gentleman._ "WELL, SIR, I'M VERY PLEASED TO HAVE MADE YOUR +ACQUAINTANCE, AND HAD THE OPPORTUNITY OF HEARING A CHURCHMAN'S VIEWS +ON THE QUESTION OF TITHES. OF COURSE, AS A COUNTRY LANDOWNER, I'M +INTERESTED IN CHURCH MATTERS, AND--" + +_The Parson._ "QUITE SO--DELIGHTED, I'M SURE. ER--BY THE BYE, COULD +YOU TELL ME _WHAT'S WON TO-DAY_?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BURIAL OF THE "BROAD-GAUGE." + +MAY 23, 1892. + + ["Drivers of Broad-Gauge Engines wandering disconsolately + about with their engine-lamps in their hands; followed by + their firemen with pick and shovel over their shoulder, + waiting in anxious expectation of the time when that + new-fangled machine, a narrow-gauge engine, should come down + a day or two after."--_Times' Special at Plymouth on Death of + Broad Gauge._] + + Not a whistle was heard, not a brass bell-note, + As his corse o'er the sleepers we hurried; + Not a fog-signal wailed from a husky throat + O'er the grave where our "Broad-Gauge" we buried. + + We buried him darkly, at dead of night, + The sod with our pickaxes turning, + By the danger-signal's ruddy light, + And our oil-lamps dimly burning. + + No useless tears, though we loved him well! + Long years to his fire-box had bound us. + We fancied we glimpsed the great shade of BRUNEL, + In sad sympathy hovering round us. + + Few and gruff were the words we said, + But we thought, with a natural sorrow, + Of the Narrow-Gauge foe of the Loco. just dead, + _We_ should have to attend on the morrow. + + We thought, as we hollowed his big broad bed, + And piled the brown earth o'er his funnel, + How his foe o'er the Great-Western metals would tread, + Shrieking triumph through cutting and tunnel. + + Lightly they'll talk of him now he is gone, + For the cheap "Narrow Gauge" has outstayed him, + Yet BULL _might_ have found, had he let it go on, + That BRUNEL's Big Idea would have paid him! + + But the battle is ended, our task is done; + After forty years' fight he's retiring.[1] + This hour sees thy triumph, O STEPHENSON; + Old "Broad Gauge" no more will need firing. + + The "Dutchman" must now be "divided in two"!-- + Well, well, they shan't mangle or mess _you_! + Accept the last words of friends faithful, if few:-- + "Good-bye, poor old Broad-Gauge, God bless you!"[2] + + Slowly and sadly we laid him down. + He has filled a great chapter in story. + We sang not a dirge--we raised not a stone, + But we left the "Broad Gauge" to his glory! + +[Footnote 1: The Royal Commission appointed to inquire into the + uniformity of railway gauges, presented their report to Parliament + on May 30, 1846.] + +[Footnote 2: Words found written on one of the G.-W. rails.] + + * * * * * + +TO A DEAR YOUNG FEMININE FRIEND, WHO SPELT "WAGON" AS "WAGGON." + + Bad spelling? Oh dear no! So tender, she + Wished that the cart should have an extra "_gee_." + + * * * * * + +KILLING NO MURDER. + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF "PUNCH."_) + +MY DEAR SIR,--I have just been reading with a great deal of surprise +"_The Life and Letters of Charles Samuel Keene_, by GEORGE SOMES +LAYARD." Seeing the name of one of your colleagues as the first line +of the "Index," I turned to page 74 and looked him out. I found him +mentioned in an account given by Mr. M.H. SPIELMANN of the _Punch_ +Dinner, which Mr. GEORGE SOMES LAYARD had extracted from _Black and +White_, no doubt to assist in making up his book. The following is +the quotation:--"The Editor, as I have said, presides; should he be +unavoidably absent, another writer--usually, nowadays, Mr. ARTHUR +A'BECKETT--takes his place, the duty never falling to an artist." +Then, to show how thoroughly Mr. GEORGE SOMES LAYARD is up to date, +he adds to the name of Mr. ARTHUR A'BECKETT (after the fashion of +_Mr. Punch_ in the drama disposing of the clown or the beadle), "since +dead." Now Mr. ARTHUR A'BECKETT is not dead, but very much alive. +Do you not think, Sir, it would be better were gentlemen who write +about yourself and your colleagues, to verify their facts before they +attempt to give obituary notices, even if they be as brief as the one +in question? + + Yours, truly, + MORE GAY THAN GRAVE. + + * * * * * + +NEW AND APPROPRIATE NAME FOR MODERN PUGILISM.--The "Nobble" Art. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BURIAL OF THE "BROAD-GAUGE."] + + * * * * * + +STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY. + +The world is of course aware by this time that a New Poetry has +arisen, and has asserted itself by the mouths of many loud-voiced +"boomers." It has been _Mr. Punch's_ good fortune to secure several +specimens of this new product, not through the intervention of middle +men, but from the manufacturers themselves. He proposes to publish +them for the benefit and enlightenment of his readers. But first a +word of warning. There are perhaps some who believe that a poem should +not only express high and noble thoughts, or recount great deeds, but +that it should do so in verse that is musical, cadenced, rhythmical, +instinct with grace, and reserved rather than boisterous. If any +such there be, let them know at once that they are hopelessly +old-fashioned. The New Poetry in its _highest_ expression banishes +form, regularity and rhythm, and treats rhyme with unexampled +barbarity. Here and there, it is true, rhymes get paired off quite +happily in the conventional manner, but directly afterwards you may +come upon a poor weak little rhyme who will cry in vain for his mate +through half a dozen interloping lines. Indeed, cases have been known +of rhymes that have been left on a sort of desert island of a verse, +and have never been fetched away. And sometimes when the lines have +got chopped very short, the rhymes have tumbled overboard altogether. +That is really what is meant by "impressionism" in poetry carried to +its highest excellence. There are, of course, other forms of the New +Poetry. There is the "blustering, hob-nailed" variety which clatters +up and down with immense noise, elbows you here, and kicks you there, +and if it finds a pardonable weakness strolling about in the middle of +the street, immediately knocks it down and tramples upon it. Then too +there is the "coarse, but manly" kind which swears by the great god, +Jingo, and keeps a large stock of spread eagles always ready to swoop +and tear without the least provocation. + +However, _Mr. Punch_ may as well let his specimens speak for +themselves. Here, then, is + +NO. I.--A GRAVESEND GREGORIAN. + +BY W.E. H-NL-Y. (_CON BRIO._) + + Deep in a murky hole, + Cavernous, untransparent, fetid, dank, + The demiurgus of the servants' hall, + The scuttle-bearing buttons, boon and blank + And grimy loads his evening load of coals, + Filled with respect for the cook's and butler's rank, + Lo, the round cook half fills the hot retreat, + Her kitchen, where the odours of the meat, + The cabbage and sweets all merge as in a pall, + The stale unsavoury remnants of the feast. + Here, with abounding confluences of onion, + Whose vastitudes of perfume tear the soul + In wish of the not unpotatoed stew, + They float and fade and flutter like morning dew. + And all the copper pots and pans in line, + A burnished army of bright utensils, shine; + And the stern butler heedless of his bunion + Looks happy, and the tabby-cat of the house + Forgets the elusive, but recurrent mouse + And purrs and dreams; + And in his corner the black-beetle seems + A plumed Black Prince arrayed in gleaming mail; + Whereat the shrinking scullery-maid grows pale, + And flies for succour to THOMAS of the calves, + Who, doing nought by halves, + Circles a gallant arm about her waist, + And takes unflinching the cheek-slap of the chaste + And giggling fair, nor counts his labour lost. + Then, beer, beer, beer. + Spume-headed, bitter, golden like the gold + Buried by cutlassed pirates tempest-tossed, + Red-capped, immitigable, over-bold + With blood and rapine, spreaders of fire and fear. + The kitchen table + Is figured with the ancient, circular stains + Of the pint-pot's bottom; beer is all the go. + And every soul in the servants' hall is able + To drink his pint or hers until they grow + Glorious with golden beer, and count as gains + The glowing draughts that presage morning pains. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUITE UNANSWERABLE. + +_Ethel._ "MAMMY DEAR! WHY DO YOU POWDER YOUR FACE, AND WHY DOES THOMAS +POWDER HIS HAIR? I DON'T DO EITHER!"] + + * * * * * + +EPISCOPACY IN DANGER.--_Mr. Punch_ congratulates Dr. PEROWNE, Bishop +of Worcester, on his narrow fire-escape some days ago, when his lawn +sleeves (a costume more appropriate for a garden-party than a pulpit) +caught fire. It was extinguished by a bold Churchwarden. In future let +Churchwardens be prepared with hose whenever a prelate runs any chance +of ignition from his own "burning eloquence." If _Mr. Punch's_ advice +as above is acted upon, a Bishop if "put out" may probably mutter, +"Darn your hose." But this can be easily explained away. + + * * * * * + +BETTER AND BETTER.--The Report last week about Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN +was that "he hopes to go to the country shortly." So do our political +parties. Sir ARTHUR cannot restrain himself from writing new and +original music at a rapid pace. This, is a consequence of his having +taken so many composing draughts. + + * * * * * + +"OUR BOOKING OFFICE."--Not open this week, as the Baron has been +making a book. Interesting subject, "On the Derby and Oaks." Being +in sporting mood, the Baron adopts as his motto King SOLOMON's +words of wisdom, out of his (King SOLOMON's) own mines of golden +treasures,--"And of book-making there is no end." He substitutes +"book-making" for "making of books," and with the poetic CAMPBELL +(HERBERT of that ilk) he sings, "it makes no difference." + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE EVENT.--Last Sunday week was the one day in the year when +ancient Joe Millers were permissible. It was "Chestnut Sunday." We +didn't like to mention it before. + + * * * * * + +The Royal General Theatrical Fund Dinner, held last Thursday, will be +remembered in the annals of the Stage as "ALEXANDER's Feast." + + * * * * * + +HORACE IN LONDON. TO A COQUETTE. (AD PYRRHAM.) + +[Illustration] + + What stripling, flowered and scent-bedewed, + Now courts thee in what solitude? + For whom dost thou in order set + Thy tresses' aureole, Coquette. + + "Neat, but not gaudy"?--Soon Despond + (Too soon!) at flouted faith and fond, + Soon tempests halcyon tides above + Shall wreck this raw recruit of Love; + + Who counts for gold each tinsel whim, + And hopes thee always all for him, + And trusts thee, smiling, spite of doom + And traitorous breezes! Hapless, whom + + Thy glamour holds untried. For me, + I've dared enough that fitful sea; + Its "breach of promise" grim hath curst + Both purse and person with its worst. + + My "dripping weeds" are doffed; and I + Sit "landed," like my wine, and "dry;" + What "weeds" survive I smoke, and rub + My hands in harbour at my Club! + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday._--_L'Amico Fritz_ at last! Better late than never. A Dramatic +Operatic Idyl. "Nothing in it," as _Sir Charles Coldstream_ observes, +except the music, the singing, and the acting of Signor DE LUCIA as +_Fritz_ Our Friend, of M. DUFRICHE as the _Rabbi_ of Mlle. GIULIA +RAVOGLI as _Boy Beppe_, of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER as _Caterina_, and of +Madame CALVÉ as _Suzel_. Not an indifferent performer or singer among +them, and not an individual in the audience indifferent to their +performance. Cherry-Tree Duet, between _Suzel_ and _Fritz_, great hit. +Admirably sung and acted, and vociferously encored. Nay, they would +have had it three times if they could, but though Sir DRURIOLANUS sets +his face against encores, allowing not too much encore but just encore +enough, he, as an astute Manager, cannot see why persons who have +paid to hear a thing only once should hear it three times for the same +money. No; if they like it so much that they want it again, and must +have it, and won't be happy till they get it, then let them encore +their own performance of paying for their seats, and come and hear +their favourite _morçeaux_ over and over again as often as they like +to pay. He will grant one encore no more. Sir DRURIOLANUS is right. Do +we insist on Mr. IRVING giving us "To be or not to be," or any other +soliloquy, all over again, simply because he has done it once so well? +Do we ask Mr. J.L. TOOLE to repeat his author's good jokes--or his own +when his author has failed him? No; we applaud to the echo, we laugh +till, as Mr. CHEVALIER says, "we thort we should ha' died," but +we don't encore the comic jokes, telling situations, or serious +soliloquies as rendered by our accomplished histrions. + +[Illustration: The Rabbinical-Hat-Beer-Jug.] + +Were a collection of pictures made of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER in different +characters, it would, for interest and variety, become a formidable +rival of the CHARLES MATHEWS series now in the possession of the +Garrick Club. To-night she is the busy, bustling _Caterina_, _Friend +Fritz's_ housekeeper, who, as she has to provide all the food for +their breakfast, and set it on the table, might be distinguished as +_Catering Caterina_. No one now cares to see an Opera without Mlle. +BAUERMEISTER in it, whether she appear as a dashing lady of the Court, +probably in a riding-habit, or as a middle-class German housekeeper, +or as Cupid God of Love, or as _Juliet's_ ancient nurse, or as an +impudent waiting-maid, or as an unhappy mother, or as,--well,--any +number of characters that I cannot now recall, but all done +excellently well. Never have I heard of her being either "sick or +sorry." Some few seasons ago I drew public attention to this most +useful and ornamental _artiste_, and now I am glad to see that here +and there a critic has awoke to the fact of her existence, and has +done her tardy justice. Long may the Bauermeistersinger be able to +give her valuable assistance, without which no Covent Garden Opera +Company could possibly be perfect. + +[Illustration: Bob-Cherry Duet.] + +As to _L'Amico Fritz_, I should suggest that it be played in one +Scene and two Acts. That this one Scene should be the Exterior of +Cherry-Tree Farm (which should be _Fritz's_, not the _Rabbi's_) +and that instead of lowering the Curtain, the _intermezzo_--not I +venture to opine equal to the marvellous _intermezzo_ in _Cavalleria +Rusticana_--should be played. _L'Amico_ is certain of an encore, and +this will give the singers a rest. It could then commence at nine--a +more convenient hour to those who would like to hear every note of it, +than 8:15, and it would be over by eleven sharp. A nod is as good as a +wink to Sir DRURIOLANUS, but all the same, Heaven forefend I should +be guilty of either indiscretion in the Imperial Operatorial presence. +Thus much at present. + +_Friday._--"It's the smiles of its AUGUSTUS and the heat of its +July"--adapted quotation from "Old Song." "I cannot sing the old +song"--except under a sense of the deepest and most unpardonable +provocation; and when I do!!--_Cave canem, ruat coelum!_ I bring down +the house as Madame DELILAH's SAMSON did. To-night _Manon_ is indeed +warmly welcomed. "A nice Opera," says a young lady, fanning herself. +"I wish it were an iced Opera," groans WAGSTAFF, re-issuing one of +his earliest side-splitters. M. VAN DYCK strong as the weak _Des +Grieux_, but Madame MRAVINA apparently not strong enough. "What made +author-chap think of calling her _Manon_?" asks languid person in +Stalls. WAGSTAFF, revived after an iced B.-and-S., is equal to the +occasion. "Such a bad lot, you know--regular man-catcher; hooked a +_man on_, then, when he was done with, hooked another man on. Reason +for name evident, see?" The _Cavalleria Rusticana_ is the favourite +for Derby Night. All right up to now, Sir DRURIOLANUS. + + * * * * * + +TENNER SONG FOR DERBY DAY.--"_He's got it on!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE SMALL AND SUSCEPTIBLE ONE) HAS TO +PUT UP WITH. + +_Miss Binks._ "PRAY, MR. TITMOUSE, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DRAW SUCH +IMMENSELY TALL WOMEN?" + +_Our Artist._ "WELL, MISS BINKS, I SUPPOSE IT'S BECAUSE I'M SUCH A +TINY LITTLE MAN MYSELF. CONTRAST, YOU SEE!" + +_Miss Binks._ "AH, YES, CONTRAST! THAT IS HOW WE TINY LITTLE WOMEN +ALWAYS ATTRACT ALL THE FINE TALL MEN! THAT'S HOW _WE_ SCORE!" + +_Our Artist._ "EXACTLY. I ONLY WISH TO GOODNESS YOU'D ATTRACT THAT +VERY FINE TALL MAN AWAY FROM MISS JONES--THEN _I_ MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE, +PERHAPS!"] + + * * * * * + +A VERY "DARK HORSE." + + ["The Country knows ... what it is we desire to do. What the + Right Hon. Gentleman (Mr. GLADSTONE) desires to do no human + being knows. If we have done our part, as we have done, to + clear the issues, all we can ask him is to do his part, to + lay before the electorate of this country in the same plain, + unmistakable outline, the policy which he desires to see + adopted."--_Mr. Balfour on Second Reading of Irish Local + Government Bill._] + + SCENE--_The Paddock, before the Great Race. Rising Young + Jockey_, ARTHUR BALFOUR, _mounted on the Crack Irish Horse. + Enter Grand Old Jockey, at the moment minus a mount._ + +_Grand Old Jockey_ (_aside_). Humph! Don't look so bad, now, despite + the dead set + That against him we've made since his very first running, + Do they mean him to win after all? Artful set, + That Stable! It strikes me they've been playing cunning. + One wouldn't have backed him, first off, for a bob. + His owner concerning him scarcely seemed caring. + Eugh! No one supposed he was fair "on the job"; + A mere trial-horse, simply "out for an airing." + When he first stripped in public he looked such a screw, + He was hailed with a general chorus of laughter; + Young BAL seemed abashed at the general yahboo! + And pooh-poohed his new mount! What the doose is he after? + I'm bound to admit the Horse _looks_ pretty fit, + And the boy sits him well, and as though he meant _trying_. + I say, this won't do! I must bounce him a bit. + Most awkward, you know, if his "slug" takes to _flying_! + +_Rising Young Jockey_ (_aside_). Hillo! There's Old WILLIAM! He's out + on the scoot. + The artful Old Hand! Hope he'll like what he looks on! + He slated this nag as a peacocky brute, + Whose utter collapse they've been building their books on. + How now, my spry veteran? Only a boy + On a three-legged crock? Well, I own you are older, + And watching your riding's a thing to enjoy; + There isn't a Jock who is defter _and_ bolder; + Your power, authority, eloquence--yes, + For your gift of the gab is a caution--are splendid; + But--the youngster _may_ teach you a lesson, I guess, + As to judgment of pace ere the contest is ended. + +_Grand Old Jockey_ (_aloud_). Well, ARTHUR my lad, in the saddle + again! + Is _that_ your crack mount? + +_Rising Young Jockey._ The identical one, WILL. + +_Grand Old Jockey._ Dear, dear, what a pity! It quite gives me pain + To see you so wasted. + +_Rising Young Jockey._ That's only your fun, WILL. + +_Grand Old Jockey._ Nay, nay, not at all! Don't think much of his + points. + He's not bred like a true-blood, nor built like a winner. + Not well put together, so coarse in his joints, + In fact--only fit for a hunting-pack's dinner! + +_Rising Young Jockey_ (_laughing_). Oh! "Cat's-meat!" is your cry, is + it, WILLIAM? Well, well! + We shall see about that when the winning-post's handy. + +_Grand Old Jockey._ _You_ won't, my brave boy; that a novice could + tell. + You'll be left in the ruck at the end, my young dandy, + +_Rising Young Jockey._ Perhaps! Still the pencillers haven't,--as + yet-- + Quite knocked the nag out with their furious fever + Of hot opposition. Some cool ones still bet + On his chance of a win. + +_Grand Old Jockey_ (_contemptuously_). Ah, you're wonderful clever. + But we have got one in _our_ Stable, my lad, + Who can--just lick his head off! + +_Rising Young Jockey_ (_drily_). Now have you indeed, WILL? + I fancy I've heard that before. Very glad + That your lot are in luck; and I hope you'll succeed, WILL, + But bless me! yours seems such a _very_ Dark Horse! + Oh! there, don't fire up so! Your word I won't doubt, WILL. + You say so, and one must believe you, of course; + But--_isn't_ it time that you _brought the nag out_, WILL? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VERY "DARK HORSE." + +OLD JOCKEY. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIS POINTS! WE'VE ONE IN OUR STABLE +CAN LICK HIS HEAD OFF!" + +YOUNG JOCKEY. "_HAVE_ YOU? THEN WHY DON'T YOU _BRING HIM OUT_?"] + + * * * * * + +HISTORY AS SHE IS PLAYED! + +_Questioner._ Why should M.V. SARDOU be called the Historian of the + French Revolution? + +_Answerer._ Because in _Thermidor_ he has given an entirely new + version of the "Reign of Terror." + +_Q._ Was the "Reign of Terror" very terrible? + +_A._ Not very. At the Opéra Comique it had its comic side. + +_Q._ How was that? + +_A._ For instance, _les tricoteuses_ were represented by comely, + albeit plump maidens, who seemed more inclined to dance round a + Maypole than haunt a scaffold. + +_Q._ Were ROBESPIERRE, ST. JUST, and the rest, cruel and vindictive? + +_A._ I should say not; and I found my conclusion on the fact that they + engaged an actor given to practical joking as an officer of the Public + Security. + +_Q._ From this, do you take it that ROBESPIERRE must have had a subtle +sense of humour? + +_A._ I do; and the impression is strengthened by his order for a + general slaughter of Ursuline Nuns. + +_Q._ Why should he order such a massacre? + +_A._ To catch the heroine of _Thermidor_, a lady who had taken the + vows under the impression that her lover had been killed by the enemy. + +_Q._ Had her lover been killed? + +_A._ Certainly not; he had preferred to surrender. + +_Q._ Can you give me any idea of the component part of a revolutionary + crowd? + +_A._ At the Opéra Comique, a revolutionary crowd seems to consist of + a number of mournful loungers, who have nothing to do save to take + a languid interest in the fate of a tearful maiden, and a few _gens + d'armes_ a little uncertain about their parade-ground. + +_Q._ How do the mournful loungers express their interest in the fate + of the tearful maiden? + +_A._ By pointing her out one to another, and when she is ordered off + to execution removing their hats, and fixing I their attention on + something concealed behind the scenes. + +_Q._ What is your present idea of the Reign of Terror? + +_A._ My present idea of the Reign of Terror is, that it was the + mildest thing imaginable. In my opinion, not even a child in arms + would have been frightened at it. + +_Q._ Do you not consider M. MAYER deserving of honour? + +_A._ Certainly I do. For has he not removed (with the assistance of M. + SARDOU and the Opéra Comique) several fond illusions of my youth? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NATURE V. ART. + +_Æsthetic Friend._ "YES, THIS ROOM'S RATHER NICE, ALL BUT THE WINDOW, +WITH THESE LARGE BLANK PANES OF PLATE-GLASS! I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE SOME +SORT OF PATTERN ON THEM--LITTLE SQUARES OR LOZENGES OR ARABESQUES--" + +_Philistine._ "WELL, BUT THOSE LOVELY CHERRY BLOSSOMS, AND THE LAKE, +AND THE DISTANT MOUNTAIN, AND THE BEAUTIFUL SUNSETS, AND THE PURPLE +CLOUDS--ISN'T THAT PATTERN ENOUGH?"] + + * * * * * + +THE MORNING OF THE DERBY.--_Hamlet_ considering whether he shall go +to Epsom for the great race or not, soliloquises, "Der-_be_ or not +Der-_be_, that is the question." [N.B.--As to the other lines, go as +you please. "The rest is silence."] + + * * * * * + +"MARRIED AND SINGLE" should be played by Lady-Cricketers. No single +young person under seventeen should be permitted an innings, as any +two sweet sixteens would be "not out," and there would be no chance +for the other side. Match-makers are only interested in the Single. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--For the first time have I seen myself in print!--and +I must say I think it very becoming--and so nice and cool too this +hot weather! You are indeed a sweet creature for adopting my idea +so readily--and I really must say that if these obstinate Members of +Parliament who oppose Women's Suffrage would only alter their views, +it would be much better for the Country--or worse--I don't know which! + +[Illustration] + +Sir MINTING BLOUNDELL, whose criticism on my contribution to your +well-written journal I invited, complimented me on my style, and +suggested that when giving my selections it might be as well to +refer to the "Home Trials" of the horses mentioned--but I venture +to disagree with him! Goodness knows we all have home trials enough! +(Lord ARTHUR and I frequently do not speak for a week unless someone +is present)--but I do not think these things should be made public, +and besides, it is an unwritten law amongst "smart" people to avoid +subjects that "chafe"--which sounds like an anachronism--whatever that +means! Having an opportunity of a "last word" on the Derby, I should +like to say that, although my confidence in my last week's selection, +_La Flêche_, is unshaken, I wish to have a second "arrow" to my bow +in _Llanthony_--of whom a very keen judge of racing (Lord BOURNEMOUTH +to wit) has formed the opinion that--in his own words--"he will be +on the premises"! The premises in question being Epsom Downs, there +will undoubtedly be room for him without his filling an unnecessarily +prominent position, so I will couple _Llanthony_ with _La Flêche_ to +supply the probable last in the Derby. + +Meanwhile, I must say a word or two about the Ladies' Race at Epsom +on Friday next. There is absolutely no knowing what will start for +the Oaks nowadays until the numbers go up--and no Turf Prophet will +venture a selection until the morning of the race--and _this_ is where +the perspicuity of an Editor like yourself, _Mr. Punch_, scores a +distinct hit--for such a paltry consideration as "knowing nothing +about it" is not likely to daunt a woman who takes as her motto the +well-known line from SHAKSPEARE: "Thus Angels rush where Cowards fear +to tread!"--so herewith I confidently append my verse selection for +the last Mare in the Oaks! + + Yours devotedly, + LADY GAY. + +THE TIP. + + 'Tis the voice of the Sluggard, I hear him complain, + You have waked me too soon--an unpleasant surprise! + In an hour or so later pray call me again, + When, if feeling refreshed, I will straightway "_Arise!_" + + * * * * * + +QUITE IN KEEPING.--The Earl of DYSART has left the ranks of the +Liberal Unionists and become a Gladstonian Home-Ruler. "What more +natural?" asked one of his former Unionist friends. "Of course he's +dysarted us!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MISUNDERSTANDING. + +_He._ "OH, IF I'D ONLY BEEN A 'BEAR'!" + +_She._ "IF YOU HAD BEEN, YOU COULDN'T GROWL WORSE THAN YOU DO!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 23._--REDMOND, Junior, said really +funny thing just now. Rising to take part in resumed Debate on Irish +Local Government Bill, he announced in loud angry tone that it would +be waste of time to discuss a Bill the Government evidently did not +intend to press through this Session, and he for one would be no party +to such a farce. Then he went on to talk for half an hour. + +[Illustration: "Joe!"] + +Debate on the whole something better than last week's contribution. +O'BRIEN delivered himself of glowing denunciation full of felicitous +phrases, all got through in half an hour. CHAMBERLAIN followed; +has not yet got over startling novelty of his interposition in +Debate being welcomed by loud cheers from Conservatives; thinks +of old Aston-Park days, when the cheering was, as WEBSTER (not +Attorney-General) says, "on the other boot." Now, when JOSEPH gets +up to demolish his Brethren sitting near, Conservatives opposite +settle themselves down with the peculiar rustling motion with which +a congregation in crowded church or chapel arrange themselves to +listen to a favourite preacher. Pretty to watch them as CHAMBERLAIN +goes forward with his speech, delighting them with surprise to find +how much better is their position than they thought when it was +recommended or extolled from their own side. JOSEPH not nearly so +acrimonious to-night as sometimes. Still, as usual, his speech +chiefly directed to his former Brethren who sit attentive, thinking +occasionally with regret of the fatal shallowness of the pit, and +the absence of arrangement for hermetically sealing it. If only--But +that is another story. COURTNEY at end of Bench is thinking of still +another, which has the rare charm of being true. It befel at a quiet +dinner where JOSEPH, finding himself in contiguity with Chairman of +Committees, took opportunity of rebuking him for his alleged laxity +in repressing disorder. + +[Illustration: The Fighting Colonel.] + +"I should like to know," he asked, "whether, supposing I were to fire +a pistol across the House, you would call it a breach of order." + +"I don't think, CHAMBERLAIN," said Prince ARTHUR, who was sitting at +the other side of the table, "that if you were going to fire a pistol +in the Commons, you would point it across the House." TIM HEALY just +back from Dublin, where he's been appearing in his favourite character +of pacificator; followed CHAMBERLAIN, and later came SAUNDERSON. But +even he suffered from prevailing tone of dulness, and WILFRID LAWSON, +fast asleep in the corner by Cross Benches, did not miss much. +_Business done._--More talk on Local Government Bill. + +_Tuesday._--If anyone looking on at House of Commons at three o'clock +this afternoon had predicted that within an hour it would be teeming +with life, brimming over with human interest, he would have been +looked upon with cold suspicion. NOLAN had taken the floor, and was +understood to be expressing his deliberate opinion on merits of Irish +Local Government Bill. He was certainly saying something, but what it +might be no man could tell. LYON PLAYFAIR, who is up in all kinds of +statistics, tells me 120 words per minute is the average utterance +of articulate speech. NOLAN was doing his 300, and sometimes exceeded +that rate. Not a comma in a column of it. A humming-top on the subject +would have been precisely as instructive and convincing. Some twenty +Members sat there fascinated by the performance. It was not delivered +in a monotone, in which case one could have slept. NOLAN was evidently +arguing in incisive manner, shirking no obstacle, avoiding no point +in the Bill, or any hit made by previous speaker. His voice rose and +fell with convincing modulation. He seemed to be always dropping into +an aside, which led him into another, that opened a sort of Clapham +Junction of converging points. One after the other, the Colonel, with +full steam up, ran along; when he reached terminus of siding, racing +back at sixty miles an hour; and so up and down another. Only guessed +this from modulation of his voice and the intelligent nodding of the +head with which he compelled the attention of ATTORNEY-GENERAL for +IRELAND. For just over half an hour he kept up this pace, and, saving +a trot for the avenue, fell back into his seat gasping for breath, +having concluded a sentence nine hundred words long worked off in +three minutes by the astonished clock. + +[Illustration: THE GLADSTONIAN BAGMAN. + +["I regard myself as a commercial traveller."--_Speech by Sir William +Harcourt at Bristol, May_ 11, 1892.]] + +[Illustration: "T.W."] + +An interval of T.W. RUSSELL, with one of his adroitly-argued, +lucidly-arranged speeches. Then Mr. G. and transformation scene. House +filled up as if by magic. In ten minutes not a seat vacant on floor; +Members running into Side Gallery, nimbly hopping over Benches, to get +on front line so as to watch as well as hear the last and the greatest +of the old Parliamentarians. As suddenly and swiftly as the House had +filled, the limp lay figure of the Debate throbbed with life. Scene of +the kind witnessed only once or twice in Session. Six hundred pair of +eyes all turned eagerly upon figure standing at Table, denouncing with +uplifted arm, and voice ringing with indignation, the iniquities of +the MARKISS, safely absent, and of his nephew, Prince ARTHUR, serenely +present. + +A great speech; an achievement which, if it stood alone, sufficient to +make a reputation. And yet, when result of Division announced, it was +found that majority of an iniquitous Government had run up to 92! + +Everyone delighted to hear the interesting news from 27, St. +James's Place, which gives an heir to the Spencer Earldom, and has +spread a feeling of joy and contentment throughout Althorpe and +Mid-Northamptonshire. The latest news, brought down just now by +MARJORIBANKS, is "BOBBY is doing as well as can be expected." +_Business done._--Irish Local Government Bill read Second Time, by +339 votes against 247. + +_Wednesday._--Hail! Sir HENRY WIGGIN, Bart, M.P.; B.B.K., as ARTHUR +ORTON called himself when resident in the wilds of Australia, and +explained that the style imported Baronet of the British Kingdom. +_Now_ we know what was the meaning of that foray upon the House the +other day, when, with the Chairman in the Chair, and Committee fully +constituted, the waggish WIGGIN walked adown the House, with his +hat cocked on one side of his head, in defiance of Parliamentary +etiquette. The Birthday Gazette was even then being drafted, and +to-day the wanton WIGGIN is Sir HENRY, Baronet of the United Kingdom. +_Not_ a more popular announcement in the list. An honest, kindly, +shrewd WIGGIN it is, with a face whose genial smile all people, +warming under it, instinctively return. + +_Business done._--WIGGIN made B.B.K. + +_Thursday._--Quite a long time reaching Vote on Account; two hours +taken for discussion of Birmingham Water Bill; Gentlemen in Radical +camp much exercised about size of fish in streams annexed for purposes +of Birmingham water supply. CHAMBERLAIN, who has charge of Bill, says +he never caught one longer than two inches. DILLWYN protests that +fishing in same waters he rarely caught one less than a pound weight. +Evidently a mistake somewhere. House perplexed, finally passed Bill +through Committee. + +[Illustration: The Noble Baron.] + +Then Rev. SAM SMITH wants to know more about Polynesian Labour +Traffic. The NOBLE BARON who has charge of Colonial affairs in +Commons, whilst controverting all his statements, says "everyone must +admit that the Hon. Member has spoken from his heart." "Which," NOVAR +says, "it reminds me of the couplet _Joe Gargery_ meant to put on the +tombstone of his lamented father, 'What-sume'er the failings on his +part, Remember, reader, he were that good in his hart.'" + +At length in Committee of Supply; Vote on Account moved; Mr. G. on his +feet wanting to know you know; doesn't once mention the Dissolution; +but puts it to Prince ARTHUR whether, really, the time hasn't come +when House should learn something with respect to intentions of +Government touching finance, their principal Bills, and, in short, "so +far foreshadowing the probable termination of the Session?" Wouldn't +on any account hurry him; any day he likes will do; only getting time +something should be said. Prince ARTHUR, gratefully acknowledging +Mr. G.'s kind way of putting it, agreed with his view. Some day he +will tell us something; to-day he will say nothing. A pretty bit +of by-play; excellently done by both leading Gentlemen; perfectly +understood by laughing House. + +_Business done._--Shadow of Dissolution gathering close. + +_Friday._--I see TAY PAY, in the interesting Sunday journal he +admirably edits, reproaches me because, in this particular page +of history, "Mr. SEXTON," he says, "is derided constantly and +shamefully." _Anglicè_: Occasionally when, in a faithful record of +Parliamentary events, SEXTON's part in the proceedings must needs be +noticed, it is gently hinted that among his many admirable qualities +terseness of diction is not prominent. In fact he has been sometimes +alluded to by the playful prefix WINDBAG. If TAY PAY had been +content to administer reproof, it would have been well. But he +goes on to discuss SEXTON's parliamentary style, and comes to this +conclusion:--"Mr. SEXTON's one fault as a speaker is that he does +not proportion his observations sufficiently at certain stages in his +speeches; and that preparation sometimes has the effect of tempting +him to over-elaboration." If TAY PAY likes to put it that way, no one +can object. Only, space in this journal being more valuable, the same +thing is said in a single word. + +_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill sent on to the Lords. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT EARL'S COURT. + +_Old Buffer._ "UGH! I'M TIRED TO DEATH OF BEING HUNTED! BLESSED IF +I'LL RUN AWAY FROM THOSE BLANK CARTRIDGES AGAIN!" + +_Broncho._ "YES, YOU BET! AND I'VE MADE UP MY MIND TO QUIT BUCKING. +IT'S PERFECTLY SICKENING HAVING TO DO IT FROM YEAR'S END TO YEAR'S +END!"] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +102, June 4, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14652 *** |