initial commit of ebook 14639HEADmain

1 files changed, 1971 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/old/14639.txt b/old/14639.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..30e1c45
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14639.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1971 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,  February 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 9, 2005 [EBook #14639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 28th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the
+thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this
+is impossible.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having
+misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT,
+we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British.
+
+       ***
+
+In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a
+fine musician and his execution is good." It would be.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE.
+
+_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT
+FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA
+MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."]
+
+       ***
+
+No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the
+beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the
+liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the
+awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised.
+Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued
+for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly
+the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were
+permitted to growl.
+
+       ***
+
+A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one
+years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not
+thought that he did it purposely.
+
+       ***
+
+At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine
+children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There
+seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now
+fairly well advertised.
+
+       ***
+
+Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most
+ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is
+foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style.
+
+       ***
+
+Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a
+day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to
+compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts.
+
+       ***
+
+"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do
+not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar
+sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s.
+
+       ***
+
+"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate
+in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to
+hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two
+thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus
+which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers.
+
+       ***
+
+Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food
+tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food.
+
+       ***
+
+The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water
+Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already
+hoisted his bargee.
+
+       ***
+
+Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a
+news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three
+months ago nothing could have averted a General Election.
+
+       ***
+
+A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which
+fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being
+done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of
+ostentatious patriotism.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in
+the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church
+magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy.
+
+       ***
+
+Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their
+customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green
+peas and rolling them home.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing
+from the table." We have often noticed it do so.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch
+women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in
+warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a
+time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives.
+
+       ***
+
+A Felicitous Juxtaposition.
+
+    "EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.
+    COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_.
+
+       ***
+
+    "PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls.
+
+       ***
+
+    "The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the
+    battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest.
+
+       ***
+
+The New Greeting: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO GERMANIA
+
+FROM SOMEBODY WHO OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON.
+
+_Air_--"To Althaea from Prison."
+
+  When Peace with wide and shining wings
+    Invades this warring isle,
+  And my beloved Germania brings
+    Wearing her largest smile;
+  When close about her waist I coil
+    And mouth to mouth apply,
+  Not SNOWDEN, patriot son of toil,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When round the No-Conscription board
+    The wines of Rhineland flow,
+  And many a rousing _Hoch!_ is roared
+    To toast the _status quo_;
+  When o'er the swiftly-circling bowl
+    Our happy tears run dry,
+  Not PONSONBY, that loyal soul,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  When sausages and sauerkraut
+    Fulfil the air with spice,
+  And loosened tongues the praise shall shout
+    Of Peace-at-any-price;
+  When German weeds our lips employ
+    And hearts are full and high,
+  Not CHARLES TREVELYAN, blind with joy,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+  Stone walls do not my feet confine
+    Nor yet a barbed-wire cage;
+  I talk at large and claim as mine
+    The freeman's heritage;
+  And, if this wicked War but end
+    Ere German hopes can die,
+  Not WILLIAM'S self, my dearest friend,
+    Will be more pleased than I.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BROKEN SOLDIERS.
+
+"Now," I suggested as we left the drapery department, "you've got as much
+as you can carry." Unfortunately it was impossible to relieve her of the
+parcels as I had all my work cut out to manipulate those confounded
+crutches.
+
+"There's only the toy department," returned Pamela, leading the way with
+her armful of packages. "I do hope you're not frightfully tired." Of course
+it seemed ridiculous, but I had not been out of hospital many days, and as
+yet I had not grown used to stumping about in this manner.
+
+"Do you happen," asked Pamela at the counter, "to have such a thing as a
+box of broken soldiers?"
+
+The young woman looked astonished and even a little hurt, but offered, with
+condescension, to inquire.
+
+"Do you want them for Dick?" I asked, Dick being Pamela's youngest brother.
+
+"For Dick and Alice," said Pamela. Alice was her sister, younger still.
+
+"Why shouldn't I buy them a box of whole ones?"
+
+"That wouldn't answer the purpose. They have three large boxes already,"
+answered Pamela, as a young man appeared in a frock coat, with a silver
+badge on the right lapel, "For Services Rendered." In his hand was a dusty
+cardboard box, and in the box lay five damaged leaden soldiers, up-to-date
+soldiers in khaki; two without heads, two armless, one who had lost both
+legs.
+
+"Those will do splendidly," said Pamela, and the young man with the silver
+badge obligingly put the soldiers into my tunic pocket. It seemed to be
+understood that they and I had been knocked out in the same campaign.
+
+"Why," I asked on the way home in the taxi, "did you want the soldiers to
+be broken?"
+
+"I--I didn't," murmured Pamela, with a sigh.
+
+"Why did Dick?" I persisted.
+
+"The children are so dreadfully realistic now-a-days. You see, Father
+objected to his breaking heads and arms off his new ones. Dick was quite
+rebellious. He wanted to know what he was to do for wounded; and Alice was
+more disappointed still."
+
+"I should have thought it was too painful a notion for her," I suggested.
+
+"Oh!" cried Pamela, with a laugh, "Alice is a Red Cross nurse, you know.
+She's made a hospital out of a Noah's Ark. She only thinks of healing
+them."
+
+"All the King's horses and all the King's men cannot put Humpty Dumpty
+together again," I said.
+
+"Poor old boy!" whispered Pamela.
+
+"I wonder whether broken soldiers have an interest for you as well," I
+remarked ... and Dick and Alice were completely forgotten until they met us
+clamorously in the hall.
+
+"Did you get any, Pam?" cried Dick.
+
+"Only five," was the answer, as I took the small paper parcel from my
+pocket and handed it over.
+
+"Is that all?" demanded Alice.
+
+"There's one more," I said.
+
+"Is that for me?" cried Alice; but Pamela shook her head and smiled very
+nicely as she took my arm.
+
+"No, that's for me," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY OF THE SEA.
+
+The night was a very dark one, for a cold damp fog hung over the Channel.
+The few lights we carried reflected in-board only, and, leaning over the
+rail, it was with difficulty that I could distinguish the dark waters
+washing below. Shore-ward I could see nothing, though I knew that a
+good-sized town lay there.
+
+I had soon had enough of the inclement night. Keeping my feet with some
+difficulty upon the wet boards, I groped my way to a door and, pushing it
+open, entered.
+
+A strange scene met my gaze. A spruce man in the uniform of a naval officer
+was seated at a table. Before him stood a tall well-set-up young seaman.
+His dishevelled head was hatless, but otherwise he looked trim, and his
+garments fitted him better than a seaman's garments generally do. On each
+side of him stood an armed guard.
+
+"Have you anything to say for yourself?" asked the officer sternly.
+
+"No, Sir, only that I am innocent," answered the man. He held his head
+high, almost defiantly. I could not but admire his courageous bearing, and
+yet there was an air of unreality about the whole thing. I felt almost as
+if I were dreaming it, but I knew that this was not a dream.
+
+"The evidence against you is overwhelming," said the officer. "I have no
+alternative but to sentence you to death. The sentence will be carried out
+at dawn. Remove the prisoner."
+
+The seaman took a step forward. For a moment he seemed to be struggling
+with himself, anxious to speak, yet forcing himself to silence. Then he
+bowed his head, and, turning, placed himself between the guards and was
+marched away.
+
+The officer sighed. "It's a bad business," he said. "He's the best man I
+ever had on my ship."
+
+He was speaking to himself, and again I had that strange sense of
+unreality, as indeed I well might, for this was the Third Act of _True to
+the Death_, a melodrama in the pavilion at the end of the pier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RETORT CELESTIAL.
+
+[China has threatened to break off relations with the German Government on
+account of its barbarity. It will be recalled that the KAISER once designed
+an allegorical picture entitled "The Yellow Peril."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.
+
+_Grocer_. "A LITTLE SUGAR WITH MY TART, PLEASE."
+
+_Waitress_ (_late grocer's assistant_). "CERTAINLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL ALSO
+TAKE MUSTARD, PEPPER, SALT, YORKSHIRE RELISH AND SALAD DRESSING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER-VANES.
+
+It was 2 A.M. The mosquitoes were singing their nightly chorus, and the
+situation reports were coming in from the battalions in the line. With his
+hair sizzling in the flame of the candle, the Brigade Orderly Officer who
+was on duty for the night tried to decipher the feathery scrawl on the pink
+form.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind moderate N.E.," it read.
+
+"Great Scott!" said the O.O. "North-East!" (Hun gas waits upon a wind with
+East in it). "Give me the message book."
+
+Laboriously he wrote out warnings to the battalions and machine gun
+sections, etc., under the Brigade's control. Then he turned to the next
+message.
+
+"Situation normal A-A-A wind light S.W."
+
+"South-West?" said the O.O. blankly, viewing his now useless handiwork.
+"Which way _is_ the wind then?"
+
+The orderly went out to see, and returned presently with a moistened
+forefinger and the information that it was "blowing acrossways, leastways
+it seemed like it." The O.O. got out of his little wire bed, searched in
+his pyjamas for the North Star, and, finally deciding that if there was any
+wind at all (which was doubtful) it was due South, reported it as such. The
+responsibility incurred kept him awake for some time, but when the Brigade
+on the right flank reported a totally different wind he concluded there
+must be a whirlwind in the line, and, putting up a barrage of bad language,
+went to sleep.
+
+In due course the matter came to the ears of the Staff Captain, who
+broached the subject at breakfast as the General was probing his second
+poached egg.
+
+"This," said the General, who is rather given to the vernacular, "is the
+limit. A North-South-East-West report is preposterous. Something must be
+done. Haven't we got a weather-vane of our own? Pass the marmalade, will
+you?"
+
+Four people reached hastily for the delicacy, and the O.O. feeling out of
+it passed the milk for no reason. (Generals really get a very good time.
+People have been known to pass things to them unasked.)
+
+"What about those two vanes in our last headquarters, Sir?" said the Staff
+Captain brightly--he is very bright and bird-like in the mornings--"the
+ones the padre thought were Russian fire-guards. Can't we get them? They
+aren't ours, but then they aren't anybody's--they've been there a year, the
+old woman told me."
+
+"Where's the Orderly Officer?" (He was there with a mouthful of toast.)
+"Take the mess limber and fetch 'em back if the Heavy Group Artillery will
+let you--they're in there now, aren't they?"
+
+"And if you're g-going into the town g-get some fish for dinner," said the
+Brigade Major; "everlasting ration beef makes my s-stammer worse."
+
+"Why?" said the General.
+
+"Indigestion--nerves, Sir; I can hardly talk over the telephone at all
+after dinner."
+
+"Good heavens!" said the General; "bring a turbot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Fish!" said the B.M. at dinner. "Bong!"
+
+"I brought the vanes, Sir."
+
+"Have any trouble?"
+
+"No, Sir. I saw the A.D.C., and said we had 'left them behind,' which was
+true, you know, Sir." (The O.O. for once felt himself the centre of
+interest and desired to improve the occasion). "We _did_ 'leave them
+behind,' so it wasn't a lie exactly ..."
+
+"I don't care if it was," said the General; "you've got 'em, that's the
+main thing."
+
+"Where will you have one put, Sir?"
+
+"In the fields," said the B.M.
+
+"Not too low," said the Captain.
+
+"Or too high," said Signals.
+
+"Or too far away," said the attached officer.
+
+"Well, now you know," said the General, "pass the chutney."
+
+They all passed it as well as several other things until he was thoroughly
+dug-in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Another N.S.E.W. report, Sir," said the Staff Captain next morning.
+
+"----!" said the General. (I think I mentioned his partiality for the
+vernacular). "Where's our vane?"
+
+"It's up, Sir," said the O.O., shining proudly again, "and I--"
+
+"We'll have' a look at it," and out they all went--General, Brigade Major
+(enunciating pedantically after a fish breakfast), Staff Captain (bright
+and birdlike), and the O.O. It was a brilliant spectacle.
+
+"North is--there!" said the General in his best field-day manner, "and this
+is pointing--due East!" He touched the vane gently. It did not budge. He
+touched it again. A cold sweat broke out on the forehead of the O.O.
+
+"Paralysed," said the B.M.
+
+"Give it a 'stand-east,' Sir," said the Staff Captain.
+
+"It's stiff!" said the General; "wants-oil" (pause); "wants _oil_!" and the
+O.O. slid away, returning at once with oil (salad, bottle, one).
+
+"Now pour it over the top--top, boy, top!"
+
+A flood sprayed over the top flange, and the B.M. searched hastily for a
+handkerchief.
+
+"Making a salad of you?" said the General. "Ha! ha!"
+
+The B.M. smiled a smile (sickly, one).
+
+"That's better!" The General spun it round. "What's it say now? East!"
+
+"Better wait," said the B.M., "it'll change its mind in a minute."
+
+"It's going!" cried the General excitedly. "There! Well, I'm--West!"
+
+"The padre was right--it must be a fireguard, after all," said the Staff
+Captain.
+
+"Or a s-sundial," muttered the B.M.
+
+I believe the meteorological report was finally entered as: "Wind light to
+moderate (to strong), varying from East to West (_via_ North and South)."
+
+"Of course," said the General kindly to the O.O., "it's not quite
+perpendicular, it's a bit too low; wants a stronger prop, wires are a bit
+slack, the vane itself wants looking to, and the whole thing is in rather a
+bad position, but otherwise it's all right--quite all right."
+
+"Yes, Sir," said the O.O.
+
+"And there's too much oil," added the General, as he moved off.
+
+"There is," said the B.M., discovering another blob on his shiny boots,
+"and on m-me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Staff were unaccountably late. The O.O. breakfasted alone. For three
+days he had been the despair of the small and perspiring body of pioneers,
+who towards the end had fled at the mere sight of him. But at last the vane
+was working.
+
+"Well," said the General when he came in, "how's the wind, expert?"
+
+"N.N.E.," said the O.O. proudly. (It was the first thing he had done since
+he came on the Brigade three weeks before, and he was pleased at the
+interest the Staff had taken in his little achievement.) "I've had the
+pioneers working on it, and we've got it up another four feet, Sir,
+tightened the pole, and wired it on to the supports on every side. It's
+quite perpendicular now. I've marked out the points of the compass on it,
+and fixed up a little arrangement for gauging the strength of the
+wind--that flap thing, you know, Sir--"
+
+"Yes, yes," said the General, who seemed to have lost his first keenness,
+"I'm glad it's working all right. By the way, we shall be moving from here
+to-morrow; the division's going back."
+
+The O.O. drained the teapot in silence, and was glad it was strong and
+bitter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT OUR COMPANY SMOKER.
+
+_The Major_ (_sings_). "AND WE DIDN'T CARE A BUTTON IF THE ODDS WERE ON THE
+FOE TEN--TWENTY--THIRTY--FORTY--"
+
+_Colonel_ (_roused from surreptitious snooze_). "AS YOU WERE!--NUMBER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Result of the Blockade.
+
+Notice on a railway bookstall:--
+
+"MEN AROUND THE KAISER.
+MUCH REDUCED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the pier a man was arrested who declared excitedly that he was
+    Frederick Hohenzollern, the Kaiser's nephew, but he appeared quite
+    harmless."--_Daily News_.
+
+Obviously an impostor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The khaki-clad boys were as merry as a party of undergraduates
+    celebrating some joyous event at the college tuck-shop."--_Yorkshire
+    Herald_.
+
+What memories of the Junior Common Room are recalled by this artless
+phrase.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Super-Submarine.
+
+    "The Lyman M. Law was stopped by a gunshot fired by a submarine, which
+    boarded the American boat, took the names of all on board, and then
+    authorised the continuation of the voyage."--_Evening News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Experiences of Mr. GERARD'S party:--
+
+    "Our first surprise on reaching Paris was to find taxi-cabs, and
+    taxi-cubs with pneumatic tyres."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+We suggest that our M.F.H.'s should import a few of these in time for next
+season's cubbing. They give an excellent run for the money--a mile for
+eightpence or so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING LEADER.
+
+  What is Master WINSTON doing?
+  What new paths is he pursuing?
+  What  strange  broth   can   he   be brewing?
+
+  Is he painting, by commission,
+  Portraits of the Coalition
+  For the R.A. exhibition?
+
+  Is he Jacky-obin or anti?
+  Is he likely to "go Fanti,"
+  Or becoming shrewd and canty?
+
+  Is he in disguise at Kovel,
+  Living in a moujik's hovel,
+  Making a tremendous novel?
+
+  Does he run a photo-play show?
+  Or in _saeva indignatio_
+  Is he writing for HORATIO?
+
+  Fired by the divine afflatus
+  Does he weekly lacerate us,
+  Like a Juvenal _renatus?_
+
+  As the great financial purist,
+  Will he smite the sinecurist
+  Or emerge as a Futurist?
+
+  Is he regularly sending
+  HAIG and BEATTY screeds unending,
+  Good advice with censure blending?
+
+  Is he ploughing, is he hoeing?
+  Is he planting beet, or going
+  In for early 'tato-growing?
+
+  Is he writing verse or prosing,
+  Or intent upon disclosing
+  Gifts for musical composing?
+
+  Is he lecturing to flappers?
+  Is he tunnelling with sappers?
+  Has he joined the U-boat trappers?
+
+  Or, to petrify recorders
+  Of events within our borders,
+  _Has he taken Holy Orders?_
+
+  Is he well or ill or middling?
+  Is he fighting, is he fiddling?--
+  He can't only be thumb-twiddling.
+
+  These are merely dim surmises,
+  But experience advises
+  Us to look for weird surprises,
+  Somersaults, and strange disguises.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Thus we summed the situation
+  When Sir HEDWORTH MEUX' oration
+  Brought about a transformation.
+
+  Lo! the Blenheim Boanerges
+  On a sudden re-emerges
+  And, to calm the naval _gurges_,
+  FISHER'S restoration urges.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Work of Supererogation.
+
+    "At an interval in the evening some carols were sung by members of our
+    G.F.S., and a collection was taken on behalf of a fund for providing
+    Huns for our soldiers."--_Parish Magazine_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFORMATION WANTED.
+
+No one can answer the question, and I have not the pluck--being a
+law-abiding citizen--to try for myself. But I do so want to know. I ask
+everyone. I ask my partners at dinner (when any dinner comes my way). I ask
+casual acquaintances. I would ask the officials themselves, only they are
+so preoccupied. But the words certainly set up a very engrossing problem,
+and upon this problem many minor problems depend, clustering round it like
+chickens round the maternal hen. But I should be quite content with an
+answer only to the hen; the rest could wait. Yet there is an
+inter-dependence between them that cannot be overlooked. For example, did
+someone once do it and meet with such a calamity that everyone else had to
+be warned? Or is it merely that the authorities dislike us to be comfy? Or
+is it thought that the public might get so much attracted by the habit as
+to convert the place into a house where a dance is in progress? I wish I
+knew these things.
+
+Will not some Member ask for information in the House, and then--arising
+out of this question--get all the other subsidiary facts? We are told so
+many things that don't matter, such as the enormous number of Ministers in
+the new Government, which was formed, if I remember rightly, as a protest
+against too large a Cabinet; such as the colossal genius of each and every
+performer in Mr. COCHRANE'S theatrical companies; such as the best place in
+Oxford Street to contract the shopping habit; such as the breaks made day
+by day all through the War by billiard champions; such as the departure of
+Mr. G.B. SHAW on his bewildering and, one would think, totally unnecessary
+visit to the Front and his return from that experience; such as--but
+enough. I am told by the informative Press all these and more things, but
+no one tells me the one thing I want to know.
+
+Perhaps YOU can.
+
+I want to know why we may not sit on the Tube moving staircases, and I want
+to know what would happen if we did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What to do with Our Dogs.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--Pure Bred Irish Terrier Dog, right thing to wear now.
+    Seamless, comfortable. All Wool."--_Bedford Daily Circular_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Bread embroideries encircle the figure."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+An appropriate adornment for the bread basket, no doubt, but too
+extravagant in these times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUNNY'S LITTLE BIT.
+
+  This scheme of keeping rabbits
+    To fatten them as food
+  Breaks up the kindly habits
+    Acquired in babyhood;
+  For we, as youthful scions,
+    Were taught to love the dears
+  And bring them dandelions
+    And lift them by the ears.
+
+  We learned how each new litter
+    That came to Flip or Fan
+  Grew finer and grew fitter
+    With tea-leaves in the bran;
+  We learned which stalks were milky
+    And which were merely tough,
+  What grass was good for Silky
+    And what was good for Fluff.
+
+  Such moral mild up-bringing
+    Now makes me much distressed
+  When little necks need wringing
+    And little paws protest,
+  Lest wraiths from empty hutches
+    Should haunt me, hung in pairs,
+  And ghosts--'tis here it touches--
+    Of happy Belgian hares.
+
+  However, with my morals
+    I manfully shall cope,
+  And back my country's quarrels,
+    But none the less I hope
+  Before poor Bunny's taken
+    As stuff for knife and fork
+  The hedge-hog will be bacon,
+    The guinea-pig be pork.
+
+W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBLEMS FOR PETROLEUSES.
+
+The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police having decided to sanction women
+taxicab drivers, we understand that all applicants for licences will be
+required to pass a severe examination in "knowledge of London." As,
+however, this will be concerned mainly with localities and quickest routes,
+we venture to suggest to the examiners a few supplementary questions of a
+more general character:--
+
+(I.) How far should a cab-wheel revolving at fifteen miles an hour, be able
+to fling a pint of London mud?
+
+(II.) Has a pedestrian any right to cross a road? and, if so, how much?
+
+(III.) With three toots of an ordinary motor-horn indicate the
+following:--(_a_) contempt, (_b_) rage, (_c_) homicidal mania.
+
+(IV.) Under what circumstances, if any, should the words "Thank you" be
+employed?
+
+(V.) Having been engaged at 11.35 P.M. to drive an elderly gentleman,
+wearing a fur-coat, to Golder's Green, you are tendered the legal fare
+plus twopence. Express, within ladylike limits, your appreciation of
+this generosity.
+
+(VI.) On subsequently discovering the same gentleman to be a member of the
+Petrol Control Committee, revise your answer accordingly.
+
+(VII.) Sketch, within ten sheets of MS., your idea of a becoming and
+serviceable uniform for a lady-driver.
+
+(VIII.) Who said, and in what connection--
+
+  "The hand that stops the traffic rules the world"?
+  "This flag shall not be lowered at the bidding of an alien"?
+
+(IX.) At the top of St. James's Street you are hailed simultaneously by two
+spinster ladies with hand luggage, wishing to be driven to Euston, and by a
+single unencumbered gentleman whose destination is the Savoy Grill. Well?
+
+(X.) At what hour do performances at the London theatres end, and which do
+you consider the best places of concealment in which to secrete yourself at
+that time?
+
+(XI.) What would be your correct procedure on receiving a simple direction
+to "The Palace" from--
+
+  (a) The PRIME MINISTER?
+  (b) The Bishop of LONDON?
+  (c) Any Second-Lieutenant?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_buying records to send to France--to assistant
+in Gramophone Department_).
+
+"IF THAT ONE IS THE SONG CALLED, 'THERE'S A SHIP THAT'S BOUND FOR BLIGHTY,'
+I'LL TAKE IT. BUT WILL YOU FIRST LET ME KNOW IF IT CONTAINS ANY INFORMATION
+WHICH COULD BE OF ADVANTAGE TO THE ENEMY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PROPHET OF EVIL.
+
+    "SIR EDWARD CARSON ON THE ADMIRALTY'S NEW FIGHTING POLICY.
+
+    'IT CAN AND WILL BE DEFEATED.'"--_Headlines in_ "_The Daily
+    Chronicle_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official circular relating to the British Industries Fair:--
+
+    "Information regarding the best means of reaching the Fair from all
+    parts of London will be obtainable at the Fair, but will not be
+    available before the opening day."
+
+You must get there first, if you want to be told how to get there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_to Mrs. Bloggs, who has been describing the
+insulting behaviour of the lady next door_). "WELL, WELL, IT MUST BE MOST
+UNPLEASANT BEING SHOUTED AT OVER THE WALL, BUT I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING IS
+TO TAKE NO NOTICE."
+
+_Mrs. Bloggs_. "THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO DO, SIR. BUT O' COURSE I 'AS
+TO GIVE 'ER A ANSWER BACK NOW AND AGAIN--JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE, LIKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACTING BOMBARDIER.
+
+  When JOOLIUS CAESAR took 'is guns along the pavvy road
+    An' strafed the bloomin' 'eathens on the Rhine,
+  The men 'oo did 'is dirty work an' bore the 'eavy load
+    Was the men 'ose job did correspond to mine.
+  When  NAP. dug in 'is swossung-kangs be'ind the ugly Fosse
+    And made the Prooshians sweat their souls with fear,
+  The men 'oo 'elped 'im most of all to slip it well across
+    Was the men with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, the  Colonel strafes the Old Man, an' 'e strafes the Capting too,
+    Then to the subs the 'eavy language flows;
+  They comes an' calls their Numbers One an inefficient crew
+    An' down it comes to junior N.C.O.'s;
+  An' then the B.S.M. chips in an' gives 'em 'oly 'ell,
+    An' the full edition's poured into the ear
+  Of the  man that's got  to be ubeek (an' you be--blest as well),
+    The man with actin' rank o' bombardier.
+
+  Or, if there's nothin' doin' of a winter afternoon,
+    The Old Man's at 'eadquarters 'avin' tea,
+  The section subs is feedin' up with oysters in Bethoon,
+    The Capting's snorin' out at the O.P.;
+  The Sergeant-Major's cleaned 'is teeth an' gone a prommynard,
+    The N.C.O.s is somewhere drinkin' beer,
+  An' the man they've left to work an' drill an' grouse an' mount the guard
+  Is of course your 'umble actin' bombardier.
+
+  Oh, I'm the man that takes fatigues for bringin' stores at night,
+    Conductin' G.S. wagons in the snow,
+  An' I'm the man that scrounges round to keep the 'ome fires bright
+    ("An' don't you bloomin' well be pinched, you know");
+  An' I'm the man that lashes F.P.1.'s up to the gun,
+    An' acts the nursemaid 'alf the ruddy day;
+  An' fifty other little jobs that ain't exactly fun
+    Accompany one stripe (without the pay).
+
+  But no, we never grouses in the Roy'l Artillerie,
+    Of cheerful things to think there's quite a lot;
+  Old Sergeant Blobbs is goin' 'ome the end of Februree
+    To do instructin' stunts at Aldershot;
+  The S.M.'s recommended ('Eavens!) for commissioned rank,
+    An' little changes means a step up 'ere,
+  So if I keep me temper an' go easy with vang blank,
+    I'll soon drop "_actin_'" off the "bombardier."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHO FOLLOWS?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: OPPOSITION APPROVAL OF THE NEW BOYS.
+
+{ MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL (_patting Sir EDWARD CARSON on the back_) }
+{ MR. HERBERT SAMUEL (_patting Mr. BONAR LAW on the back_)        }
+
+"HE'S BEEN TALKING SENSE."]
+
+_Monday, February 19th_.--The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER announced that
+the "new money" subscribed for the War Loan amounted to at least seven
+hundred millions. Being a modest man he refrained from saying, "A loan, I
+did it," though it was largely due to his faith in the generosity and good
+sense of his fellow-citizens that the rate of interest was not more onerous
+to the State.
+
+Mr. LYNCH thinks it would be a good idea if Ireland were specially
+represented at the Peace Conference, in order that her delegates might
+assert her right to self-government. I dare say, if pressed, he would be
+prepared to nominate at least one of her representatives. Having regard to
+the Nationalist attitude towards military service Mr. BALFOUR might have
+retorted that only belligerents would be represented at the Peace
+Conference, but he contented himself with a simple negative.
+
+There is an erroneous impression that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE sits in his private
+room scheming out new Departments and murmuring like the gentleman in the
+advertisement of the elastic bookcase, "How beautifully it grows!" Up to
+the present, however, there are only thirty-three actual Ministers of the
+Crown, not counting such small fry as Under-Secretaries, and their salaries
+merely amount to the trifle of L133,500. It is pleasant to learn that a
+branch of the Shipping Controller's department is appropriately housed in
+the Lake Dwellings in St. James's Park; and, in view of Mr. KING'S
+objection that the members of the Secret Service with whom he has come into
+contact make no sort of secret about their business (one pictures them
+confiding in this gentleman), it is expected that the Board of Works will
+shortly commandeer a strip of Tube Railway to conceal them in.
+
+_Tuesday, February 20th_.--In one respect the two representatives of the
+War Office in the House of Commons are singularly alike. When answering
+their daily catechism both wear spectacles--Mr. FORSTER an ordinary
+gold-rimmed pair, Mr. MACPHERSON the fearsome tortoise-shell variety which
+gives an air of antiquity to the most youthful countenance; and each, when
+he has to answer an awkward "supplementary," begins by carefully taking off
+his glasses and so giving himself an extra moment or two to frame a telling
+reply.
+
+This afternoon Mr. MACPHERSON'S spectacles were on and off half-a-dozen
+times as he withstood an assault directed from various quarters against the
+refusal of the War Office to admit the profession of "manipulative surgery"
+to the Army Medical Service. In vain he was informed of wonderful cures
+effected by this means on generals and admirals, and even members of the
+Government; in vain Mr. LYNCH sought from him an admission that the life of
+one private soldier was more valuable than that of the two Front Benches
+put together. All these attempts at manipulative surgery quite failed to
+reduce Mr. MACPHERSON'S obstinate stiff neck; and at last the SPEAKER had
+to intervene to stop the treatment.
+
+The persistence with which a little knot of Members below the Gangway
+advances the proposition that all Germany is longing to make an honourable
+peace, and that it is only the insatiate ambition of the Allies which
+stands in the way, would be pathetic if it were not mischievous. Mr.
+PONSONBY, Mr. TREVELYAN, and Mr. SNOWDEN once more argued this hopeless
+case with a good deal of varied ability. A small house listened politely,
+but was more impressed by a masterly expose of the facts by Mr. RONALD
+M'NEILL, and an Imperialist slogan by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD; while later in
+the debate Mr. BONAR LAW restated the national aims in the War with a
+cogency that drew from Mr. SAMUEL a generous pledge "on behalf of those who
+sit opposite the Government" to give Ministers their whole-hearted support.
+
+_Wednesday, February 21st_.--The House learned with satisfaction that crews
+of our river gun-boats in Mesopotamia are to get their hard-lying money;
+and when the authors of the Turkish _communiques_ hear of it they are
+expected to put in a similar claim.
+
+Lord FISHER was in his customary place over the Clock--his friends all tell
+us that he is superior to Time; Lord BERESFORD was at a suitable--I had
+almost said respectful--distance from him in the Peers' Gallery; and
+conspicuous among the Distinguished Strangers was Sir JOHN JELLICOE. They
+and all of us listened intently while for over an hour Sir EDWARD CARSON,
+now as much at home on the quarter-deck as ever he was at quarter sessions,
+discoursed eloquently and frankly on the wonderful and never-ending work of
+the Senior Service.
+
+He did not underestimate the danger of the submarines, or pretend that the
+Admiralty had yet discovered any sovran remedy for their attacks. Nor could
+he say--for reasons which seemed to satisfy the House--how many of them had
+already been captured or sunk. But he told us enough to convict Admiral VON
+CAPELLE, who was at that moment declaring that not a single U-boat had been
+lost since the opening of the new campaign, of being either singularly
+misinformed or highly imaginative.
+
+_Thursday, February 22nd_.--A strange sympathy seems to exist between the
+SPEAKER and Mr. GINNELL. Each, I fancy, has a soft spot somewhere. Mr.
+LOWTHER'S is in his heart, and makes him go out of his way to help the
+wayward Member for North Westmeath. Mr. GINNELL, whose soft spot seems to
+be higher up, wanted to show that he did not approve of Mr. MACPHERSON, and
+called him an impertinent Minister. Ordered to withdraw the expression, he
+substituted "impudent." That would not do either, and there seemed danger
+of a deadlock and another expulsion until Mr. LOWTHER suggested that
+"incorrect" was a Parliamentary epithet which might suit the hon. Member's
+purpose. Mr. GINNELL handsomely accepted this variation in the spirit in
+which it was offered.
+
+Sir GEORGE CAVE is the Ministerial maid-of-all-work. Whenever there is a
+disagreeable or awkward measure to introduce it falls to the Quite-at-Home
+Secretary, if I may borrow an expression coined by my friend, TOBY, M.P.,
+for one of Sir GEORGE'S predecessors. So judiciously did he accentuate the
+good points and soften the possible asperities of the National Service Bill
+that even Sir CHARLES HOBHOUSE, who had come to condemn, remained to bless.
+
+_Friday, February 23rd_.--Owing to a variety of causes, we are short of
+tonnage, and unless we manage to grow more and consume less we shall before
+very long be within reach of the gaunt finger of Famine. That was the
+burden of the PRIME MINISTER'S appeal to the Nation. The farmer is to have
+a guaranteed minimum price for his produce, the agricultural labourer is to
+be raised to comparative affluence by a minimum wage of 25_s._ a week, and
+the rest of us are to go without most of our imported luxuries and a good
+many necessities. So impressed were Members by the gloominess of the
+prospect that the moment the speech was over they rushed out to secure what
+they felt might be their last really substantial luncheon, and Mr. DAVID
+MASON, who had nobly essayed to fill the breach caused by Mr. ASQUITH'S
+absence, was soon talking to empty benches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Big 'Un._ "MY DEAR FELLOW! IS IT REALLY TRUE THAT YOU
+HAVE TO JOIN UP?"
+
+_The Little 'Un._ "YES; BUT DON'T LET IT GET ABOUT. YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS TO
+SPRING IT ON THE GERMANS, AS IT WERE, IN MARCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ACROBAT, HAVING BEEN OFFICIALLY INFORMED THAT HE BELONGS TO
+ONE OF THE NON-ESSENTIAL PROFESSIONS, DETERMINES NEVERTHELESS TO DEVOTE HIS
+TALENT TO THE CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING FELLOW-COUNTRYMEN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMPLIMENT.
+
+We all know the man with a grievance and avoid him. But there is another
+man with a grievance whom I rather like, and this is his story. I must, of
+course, let him tell it in the first-person-singular, because otherwise
+what is the use of having a grievance at all? The first-person-singular
+narrative form is the grievance's compensation. Listen.
+
+"I am an old Oxonian who joined the Royal Naval Division as an ordinary
+seaman not long after the outbreak of the War, and being perhaps not too
+physically vigorous and having a certain rhetorical gift, developed at the
+Union, I was told off, after some months' training, to take part in a
+recruiting campaign. We pursued the usual tactics. First a trumpeter
+awakened the neighbourhood, very much as Mr. HAWTREY is aroused from his
+coma in his delightful new play, and then the people drew round. One by one
+we mounted whatever rostrum there was--a drinking fountain, say--and spoke
+our little piece, urging the claims of country.
+
+"As a rule the audience was either errand-boys, girls or old men; but we
+did our best.
+
+"Sometimes, however, there would be an evening meeting in a public
+building, and then the proceedings were more formal and pretentious. The
+trumpeter disappeared and a chairman would open the ball. The occasion of
+which I am thinking was one of these meetings in the East End, where the
+Chairman was a local tradesman. He said that this was a war for liberty and
+that England could never sheathe the sword until Belgium was free; he told
+the audience how many of his relations were fighting; and then he made way
+for our gallant boys in blue who were to address the company.
+
+"Well, we addressed the company, I by no means the least of the orators,
+and then the Chairman wound up the meeting. He said how much he had enjoyed
+the speeches and how much he hoped that they would bear good fruit; and
+indeed he felt confident of that, because 'we 'ere in the East End are
+plain straight-forward folk, who like plain straight-forward talk, and we
+would rather listen to the honest 'omely sailors who 'ave been talking to
+us this evening, than any fine Oxford gentleman.'"
+
+That is the story of my friend with a grievance. And yet, now I come to
+think about it again, and his manner of telling it, I'm not sure I ought
+not rather to call him a man with a triumph.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Farmer's Daughter wanted, to learn daughter Cheddar cheesemaking for 1
+    month, from March 25th; 25 cows; treated as family."--_Bristol Times
+    and Mirror_.
+
+A little less than kin and more than kine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Thursday.
+
+    The representatives of thirty leading American railways have agreed
+    virtually to an embargo on eastern shipments of freight for export
+    until the present congestion on the eastern sideboard is
+    relieved."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+This is all very well for the Americans, but what we are concerned about is
+the depletion of our own sideboard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official advertisement in favour of tillage:--
+
+    "An acre of Oats will
+       feed for a week . . 100 people.
+    An acre of Potatoes  . 200   "
+     "  "   of Beef    . .   8   " "--_Irish Times_.
+
+We understand that Lord DEVONPORT accepts no responsibility for the last
+statement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Father_. "YOU'RE VERY BACKWARD. THERE'S NORMAN SMITHERS,
+THE SAME AGE AS YOU, AND HE'S TWO FORMS HIGHER. AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?"
+
+_Hopeful_. "NO. HE CAN'T HELP IT--IT'S HEREDITARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAMMAL-SAURIAN WAR.
+
+A PARABLE OF GERMANY'S COLONIES.
+
+  Long ages ere the Age of Man,
+    While yet this earthly crust was thinnish,
+  The War of Might and Right began,
+    Proceeding swiftly to a finish;
+  And this provides in many ways
+  An object-lesson nowadays.
+
+  The Saurians, clad in coats of mail,
+    Shone with a most attractive lustre;
+  Strong claws, long limbs, a longer tail--
+    They pinned their faith to bulk and bluster;
+  They laid their eggs in every land
+  And hid them deftly in the sand.
+
+  The Mammals, small as yet and few,
+    Relying less on scales and muscles,
+  Developed diaphragms, and grew
+    Non-nucleated red corpuscles;
+  They walked more nimbly on their legs
+  And learnt the art of sucking eggs.
+
+  The Saurians, spoiling for a fight,
+    Went off in high explosive fashion;
+  They lashed themselves to left and right
+    Into a pre-historic passion;
+  The Mammals, on the other hand,
+  Ate all their eggs up in the sand.
+
+  Those precious eggs, a source of pride
+    On which the Saurian hopes depended,
+  Kept all their enemies supplied
+    With life by which their own was ended;
+  And where they fondly hoped to spread
+  The Mammals lived and throve instead.
+
+  And so the Saurians passed from view,
+    Leaving behind the faintest traces,
+  No longer bent on hacking through,
+    Though looking still for sunny places;
+  Dwarfed to a more convenient size
+  They spend their time in catching flies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NON-STOP LINGUIST.
+
+    "To O.C. ... From ... Brigade. ---- Corps requires services of an
+    officer who can speak Italian fluently for four or five days."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Under the auspices of the Women's Reform Club, a Ladies' Fancy Dress
+    Ball will be held at the Residential Club, Main Street. No Gentlemen.
+    No Wallflowers. Ladies may appear in mail attire."--_Bulawayo
+    Chronicle_.
+
+In their "knighties," so to speak?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Bosley and district churchmen have thus a gaol set before them which
+    it should be and, no doubt, will be their aim to reach as soon as
+    possible."--_Congleton Chronicle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A few minutes later, with his suit-case in one hand and his
+    type-writer in the other, he let himself out at the
+    front-door,"--_Munsey's Magazine_.
+
+Another case of the Hidden Hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason
+    sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a
+master of that weight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield
+    Gazette_.
+
+Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr.
+    Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_.
+
+Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?"
+
+"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his
+ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you."
+
+"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems
+to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food."
+
+"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get
+tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day."
+
+"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a
+joy to me."
+
+"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their
+eatables tough."
+
+"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."
+
+"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"
+
+"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a
+great help when you're being rationed."
+
+"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for
+that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating."
+
+"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at
+irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked
+abundance. To a man it is--"
+
+"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt
+even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed
+you'd never have found it out."
+
+"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last
+week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that
+can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a
+chop to-night instead of a rissole."
+
+"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet."
+
+"Well, anyhow," I said, "we don't seem to be doing as much as we might for
+Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"You're wrong," she said; "I'm keeping hens in the stable-yard."
+
+"Hens? What do you know about hens?"
+
+"For the matter of that, what do you?"
+
+"That's not the question," I said, "but I'll answer it all the same. I know
+that most hens are called Buff Orpingtons, and that they never lay any eggs
+unless you put a china egg in their nest just to coax them along and rouse
+their ambition. Francesca, have you put a china egg where our Buff
+Orpingtons can see it?"
+
+"Frederick is looking after these domestic details. He seems to think that
+if he goes to the hen-house every ten minutes or so the laying of eggs will
+be promoted. Won't you go round with him next time?"
+
+"No," I said, "I've never seen a hen lay an egg yet, and I'm not going to
+begin at my time of life. Besides, I've already said they never lay eggs
+even when you don't watch them."
+
+"Wrong again," she said. "We got one egg this morning."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "this _is_ exciting. Did the happy mother announce the
+event to the world in the usual way?"
+
+"Yes, she screamed and cackled for about a quarter-of-an-hour, and
+Frederick came along and seized the subject of her rejoicing. You're going
+to have it to-night, boiled, instead of soup and fish."
+
+"Isn't that splendid?" I said. "At this rate we shall soon be
+self-supporting, and then we can snap our fingers at Lord DEVONPORT."
+
+"I never snap my fingers," she said. "No well-brought-up hen-keeper ever
+does. Besides, it's our duty to help the Government all we can, so that
+Lord DEVONPORT may have so much more to play with."
+
+"Why should he want to play with it?" I said. "He doesn't strike me as
+being that kind of man at all."
+
+"I daresay he plays in his off-hours."
+
+"A man like that," I said, "hasn't any off-hours. He's chin-deep in his
+work."
+
+"Anyhow," she said, "I should like him to know that we're pulling up the
+herbaceous border and planting it with potatoes, and that we've started
+keeping hens, and that we've already got one egg, and that when the time
+comes we shall not lack for chicken, roast or boiled."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "how can you allude so flippantly to the tragedies
+which are inseparable from the possession of Buff Orpingtons? In the
+morning a young bird struts about in his pride, resolved to live his life
+fearlessly and to salute the dawn at any and every hour before the break of
+day. Then something happens: a gardener, a family man not naturally
+ruthless, comes upon the scene; there is a short but terrible struggle; a
+neck (not the gardener's) is wrung, and there is chicken for dinner."
+
+"Don't move me," she said, "to tears, or I shall have to countermand your
+egg. Besides, I don't think I could ever make a real friend of a fowl.
+They've got such silly ways and their eyes are so beady."
+
+"Their ways are not sillier nor are their eyes beadier than our Mrs.
+Burwell's, yet she is honoured as a pillar of propriety, while they--no
+matter; I hope the chicken when its moment comes will be tender and
+succulent."
+
+"Hark!" said Francesca.
+
+"Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick
+rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too
+late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my
+chop,--I mean cutlet."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles."
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK.
+
+  I remember a day when I felt quite tall
+    Because of a gift of five whole shillings;
+  I was Johnson major then, I recall,
+    And didn't I swank and put on frillings!
+
+  Well, we know that children are parents of men;
+    And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager,
+  Here am I pleased with a crown again,
+    And signing myself as Johnson, Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would
+    take England."--_Irish Times_.
+
+The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of
+    Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our
+    line."--_Continental Daily Mail_.
+
+There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the
+Trunks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four
+    miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South
+    for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North
+    for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
+
+With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves
+all the greater credit for his success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
+RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH."
+
+_He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_War and the Future_ (CASSELL), by Mr. H.G. WELLS, is not a sustained
+thesis but just jets of comment and flashes of epigram about the War as he
+has seen it on the French, Italian and British fronts, and has thought
+about it in peaceful Essex. A characteristic opening chapter, "The Passing
+of the Effigy," suggests that "the Kaiser is perhaps the last of that long
+series of crowned and cloaked and semi-divine personages which has included
+Caesar and Alexander and Napoleon the First--and Third. In the light of the
+new time we see the emperor-god for the guy he is." Generalissimo JOFFRE,
+on the other hand, he found to be a decent most capable man, without fuss
+and flummery, doing a distasteful job of work singularly well. There is
+some particularly interesting matter about aeroplane work, and the writer
+betrays a keen distress lest the cavalry notions of the soldiers of the old
+school should make them put their trust in the horsemen rather than the
+airmen in the break-through. As for "tanks," he offers the alternative of
+organised world control or a new warfare of mammoth landships, to which the
+devastation of this War will be merely sketchy; but I doubt if he quite
+makes his point here. And finally this swift-dreaming thinker proclaims a
+vision which he has seen of a new world-wide interrelated republicanism
+founded on a recognition of the over-lordship of God.... You put the book
+down feeling you have had a long, desultory and intimate conversation with
+a very interesting fellow-traveller.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Really, if Mr. ROBERT HICHENS continues his present spendthrift course,
+whatever Board controls the consumption of paper will have to put him on
+half rations. I believe that his literary health would benefit enormously
+by such a regime. This was my first thought in contemplating the almost six
+hundred pages of _In the Wilderness_ (METHUEN), and it persists,
+strengthened now that I have turned the last, of them. Here is a direct and
+moving tragedy of three lives, much of the appeal of which is lost in a fog
+of superfluous words. Of its theme I will tell you only this, that it shows
+the contrasting loves, material and physical, of two widely divergent types
+of womanhood. Probably human nature, rather than Mr. HICHENS, should be
+blamed for the fact that the unmoral _Cynthia_ is many times more
+interesting than the virtuous but slightly fatiguing _Rosamund_. The former
+is indeed far the most vital character in the tale, a figure none the less
+sinister for its clever touch of austerity. Possibly, however, her success
+is to some extent due to contrast; for certainly both _Rosamund_ and
+_Dion_, the husband whom she alienated by her unforgiving nature, embody
+all the worst characteristics of Mr. HICHEN'S creations. Perhaps you know
+what I mean. Chiefly it is a matter of super-sensibility to surroundings,
+which renders them so fluid that often the scenery seems to push them
+about. It is this, coupled with the author's own lingering pleasure in a
+romantic setting, that delays the conflict, which is the real motive of the
+book, over long. But once this has come to grips the interest and the skill
+of it will hold you a willing captive to Mr. HICHENS at his best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Much as I have enjoyed some previous work by Baroness VON HUTTEN I am glad
+to say that I consider _Magpie_ (HUTCHINSON) her best yet. It is indeed a
+long time since I read a happier or more holding story. The title is a
+punning one, as the heroine's name is really _Margaret Pye_, but I am more
+than willing to overlook this for the sake of the pleasantly-drawn young
+woman to whom it refers and the general interest of the tale. Briefly, this
+has two movements, one forward, which deals with the evolution of _Mag_
+from a fat, rather down-at-heel little carrier of washing into the charming
+young lady of the cover; the other retrospective, and concerned with the
+mystery of a wonderful artist who has disappeared before the story opens. I
+have no idea of clearing up, or even further indicating, this problem to
+you. But I will say that the secret is so adroitly kept that the perfect
+orgy of elucidation in the final chapter left me a little breathless. Of
+course the whole thing is a fairy tale, with a baker's dozen of glaring
+improbabilities; but I am much mistaken if you will enjoy it the less for
+that. A quaint personal touch, which (to anyone who does not recall the
+cast of _Pinkie and the Fairies_ on its revival) might well seem an
+impertinence, produced in me the comfortable glow of superiority that
+rewards the well-informed. But I can assure Baroness VON HUTTEN that she is
+all wrong about the acting of that particular part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As it is not Mr. Punch's habit to admit reviews of periodical publications,
+I ought to say that the case of _The New Europe_ (CONSTABLE), whose first
+completed volume lies before me, is exceptional. In thirty years'
+experience of journalism I never remember a paper containing so much
+"meat"--some of it pretty strong meat, too--in proportion to its size. In
+hardly a single week since its first issue in October last have I failed to
+find between its tangerine-coloured covers some article giving me
+information that I did not know before, or furnishing a fresh view of
+something with which I thought myself familiar. And I take it there are
+many other writers--and even, perhaps, some statesmen--who have enjoyed the
+same experience. Dr. SETON-WATSON and the accomplished collaborators who
+march under his orange oriflamme may not always convince us (I am not sure,
+for example, that _Austria est delenda_ may prove the only or the best
+prescription for bringing freedom to the Jugo-Slavs of South-Eastern
+Europe), but they always furnish the reader with the facts enabling him to
+test their conclusions; and that in these times is a great merit. My own
+feeling is that if they had begun their concerted labours a few years
+earlier the War might never have happened; or at least we should have gone
+into it with a much more accurate notion of the real aims of the Central
+Powers, and a much better chance of quickly defeating them. The tragedies
+of Serbia and Roumania would almost certainly have been averted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am unable to hold out much prospect that you will find _Frailty_
+(CASSELL) a specially enlivening book. The scope of Miss OLIVE WADSLEY'S
+story, sufficiently indicated by its title, does not admit of humorous
+relief. But it is both vigorous and vital. Certainly it seemed hard luck on
+_Charles Ley_ that, after heroically curing himself of the drug habit, he
+should marry the girl of his choice only to find her a victim to strong
+drink. But of course, had this not happened, the "punch" of Miss WADSLEY'S
+tale would have been weakened by half. Do not, however, be alarmed; the
+author knows when to stop, and confines her awful examples to these two,
+thereby avoiding the error of Mrs. HENRY WOOD, who (you may recall) plunged
+the entire cast of _Danesbury House_ into a flood of alcohol. Not that Miss
+WADSLEY herself lacks for courage; she can rise unusually to the demands of
+a situation, and I have seldom read chapters more moving of their kind than
+those that depict the gradual conquest of _Charles_ by the cocaine fiend,
+and his subsequent struggle back to freedom. Here the "strong" writing
+seemed to me both natural and in place; ever so much more convincing
+therefore than when employed upon the love scenes. I have my doubts
+whether, even in this age of what I might call the trampling suitor, anyone
+was over quite so heavy-booted over the affair as was _Charles_ when he
+carried off his chosen mate from a small-and-early in Grosvenor Square.
+Fortunately the other parts of the story are less melodramatic, and make it
+emphatically a book not to be missed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Happy is the reviewer with a book which gives him so much delightful
+information that he tries to ration himself to so many pages per day. This
+is what I resolved to do with _In the Northern Mists_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON); but I could not keep to my resolution, so attractive was the
+fare. These sketches are the work of a Grand Fleet Chaplain, and are packed
+with wisdom from all the ages. If you haven't the luck to be a sailor you
+will learn a lot from this admirable theologian about the men and methods
+and the spirit of the Grand Fleet. His book fills me with pride; yet I dare
+not express it for fear of offending the notorious modesty of the senior
+service. So shy indeed is our Fleet of praise that I feel my apologies are
+due to their Chaplain for my perfectly honest commendation of his book. But
+he seems human enough to pardon the more venial sins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE FOR RATIONING.
+
+"YOUR LITTLE DOG DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND THE WEATHER. I SUPPOSE HIS COAT KEEPS
+HIM WARM."
+
+"I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT ALTOGETHER. YOU SEE, HE HAS RUM-AND-MILK WITH HIS
+CUTLET EVERY MORNING BEFORE HE GOES OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Peterborough's youngest investor was Herbert Trollope Gill, barely
+    three months old, who subscribed the whole of his life's savings. He
+    arrived at the bank with his mother, and there was poured out before
+    the astonished gaze of the officials four hundred threepenny
+    pieces."--_Weekly Dispatch_.
+
+We congratulate HERBERT on his patriotism and regret that it should have
+compelled him to go into liquidation.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152,  February 28, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14639.txt or 14639.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/6/3/14639/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.