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diff --git a/1462.txt b/1462.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ec187d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/1462.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1249 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of Some Roundabout Papers, by Thackeray +#3 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +Some Roundabout Papers + +by W. M. 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Foulis edition by Stephen +Rice, email srice01@ibm.net + + + + + +Some Roundabout Papers + + + + +ON SOME CARP AT SANS SOUCI + + + +We have lately made the acquaintance of an old lady of ninety, +who has passed the last twenty-five years of her old life in a +great metropolitan establishment, the workhouse, namely, of the +parish of Saint Lazarus. Stay -- twenty-three or four years ago, +she came out once, and thought to earn a little money by hop- +picking; but being overworked, and having to lie out at night, +she got a palsy which has incapacitated her from all further +labour, and has caused her poor old limbs to shake ever since. + +An illustration of that dismal proverb which tells us how poverty +makes us acquainted with strange bed-fellows, this poor old +shaking body has to lay herself down every night in her workhouse +bed by the side of some other old woman with whom she may or may +not agree. She herself can't be a very pleasant bed-fellow, poor +thing! with her shaking old limbs and cold feet. She lies awake +a deal of the night, to be sure, not thinking of happy old times, +for hers never were happy; but sleepless with aches, and agues, +and rheumatism of old age. "The gentleman gave me brandy-and- +water," she said, her old voice shaking with rapture at the +thought. I never had a great love for Queen Charlotte, but I +like her better now from what this old lady told me. The Queen, +who loved snuff herself, has left a legacy of snuff to certain +poorhouses; and, in her watchful nights, this old woman takes a +pinch of Queen Charlotte's snuff, "and it do comfort me, sir, +that it do!" Pulveris exigui munus. Here is a forlorn aged +creature, shaking with palsy, with no soul among the great +struggling multitude of mankind to care for her, not quite +trampled out of life, but past and forgotten in the rush, made a +little happy, and soothed in her hours of unrest by this penny +legacy. Let me think as I write. (The next month's sermon, +thank goodness! is safe to press.) This discourse will appear at +the season when I have read that wassail-bowls make their +appearance; at the season of pantomime, turkey and sausages, +plum-puddings, jollifications for schoolboys; Christmas bills, +and reminiscences more or less sad and sweet for elders. If we +oldsters are not merry, we shall be having a semblance of +merriment. We shall see the young folks laughing round the +holly-bush. We shall pass the bottle round cosily as we sit by +the fire. That old thing will have a sort of festival too. +Beef, beer, and pudding will be served to her for that day also. +Christmas falls on a Thursday. Friday is the workhouse day for +coming out. Mary, remember that old Goody Twoshoes has her +invitation for Friday, 26th December! Ninety is she, poor old +soul? Ah! what a bonny face to catch under a mistletoe! "Yes, +ninety, sir," she says, "and my mother was a hundred, and my +grandmother was a hundred and two." + +Herself ninety, her mother a hundred, her grandmother a hundred +and two? What a queer calculation! + +Ninety! Very good, granny: you were born, then, in 1772. + +Your mother, we will say, was twenty-seven when you were born, +and was born therefore in 1745. + +Your grandmother was thirty-five when her daughter was born, and +was born therefore in 1710. + +We will begin with the present granny first. My good old +creature, you can't of course remember, but that little gentleman +for whom you mother was laundress in the Temple was the ingenious +Mr Goldsmith, author of a "History of England," the "Vicar of +Wakefield," and many diverting pieces. You were brought almost +an infant to his chambers in Brick Court, and he gave you some +sugar-candy, for the doctor was always good to children. That +gentleman who well-nigh smothered you by sitting down on you as +you lay in a chair asleep was the learned Mr S. Johnson, whose +history of "Rasselas" you have never read, my pour soul; and +whose tragedy of "Irene" I don't believe any man in these +kingdoms ever perused. That tipsy Scotch gentleman who used to +come to the chambers sometimes, and at whom everybody laughed, +wrote a more amusing book than any of the scholars, your Mr Burke +and your Mr Johnson, and your Dr Goldsmith. Your father often +took him home in a chair to his lodgings; and has done as much +for Parson Sterne in Bond Street, the famous wit. Of course, my +good creature, you remember the Gordon Riots, and crying No +Popery before Mr Langdale's house, the Popish distiller's, and +that bonny fire of my Lord Mansfield's books in Bloomsbury +Square? Bless us, what a heap of illuminations you have seen! +For the glorious victory over the Americans at Breed's Hill; for +the peace in 1814, and the beautiful Chinese bridge in St James's +Park; for the coronation of his Majesty, whom you recollect as +Prince of Wales, Goody, don't you? Yes; and you went in a +procession of laundresses to pay your respects to his good lady, +the injured Queen of England, at Brandenburg House; and you +remember your mother told you how she was taken to see the Scotch +lords executed at the Tower. And as for your grandmother, she +was born five months after the battle of Malplaquet, she was; +where her poor father was killed, fighting like a bold Briton for +the Queen. With the help of a "Wade's Chronology," I can make +out ever so queer a history for you, my poor old body, and a +pedigree as authentic as many in the peerage-books. + +Peerage-books and pedigrees? What does she know about them? +Battles and victories, treasons, kings, and beheadings, literary +gentlemen, and the like, what have they ever been to her? +Granny, did you ever hear of General Wolfe? Your mother may have +seen him embark, and your father may have carried a musket under +him. Your grandmother may have cried huzza for Marlborough; but +what is the Prince Duke to you, and did you ever so much as hear +tell of his name? How many hundred or thousand of years had that +toad lived who was in the coal at the defunct exhibition? -- and +yet he was not a bit better informed than toads seven or eight +hundred years younger. + +"Don't talk to me your nonsense about Exhibitions, and Prince +Dukes, and toads in coals, or coals in toads, or what is it?" +says granny. "I know there was a good Queen Charlotte, for she +left me snuff; and it comforts me of a night when I lie awake." + +To me there is something very touching in the notion of that +little pinch of comfort doled out to granny, and gratefully +inhaled by her in the darkness. Don't you remember what +traditions there used to be of chests of plate, bulses of +diamonds, laces of inestimable value, sent out of the country +privately by the old Queen, to enrich certain relatives in M-ckl- +nb-rg Str-l-tz? Not all the treasure went. Non omnis moritur. +A poor old palsied thing at midnight is made happy sometimes as +she lifts her shaking old hand to her nose. Gliding noiselessly +among the beds where lie the poor creatures huddled in their +cheerless dormitory, I fancy an old ghost with a snuff-box that +does not creak. "There, Goody, take of my rappee. You will not +sneeze, and I shall not say 'God bless you.' But you will think +kindly of old Queen Charlotte, won't you? Ah! I had a many +troubles, a many troubles. I was a prisoner almost so much as +you are. I had to eat boiled mutton every day: entre nous, I +abominated it. But I never complained. I swallowed it. I made +the best of a hard life. We have all our burdens to bear. But +hark! I hear the cock-crow, and snuff the morning air." And +with this the royal ghost vanishes up the chimney -- if there be +a chimney in that dismal harem, where poor old Twoshoes and her +companions pass their nights -- their dreary nights, their +restless nights, their cold long nights, shared in what glum +companionship, illumined by what a feeble taper! + +"Did I understand you, my good Twoshoes, to say that your mother +was seven-and-twenty years old when you were born, and that she +married your esteemed father when she herself was twenty-five? +1745, then, was the date of your dear mother's birth. I daresay +her father was absent in the Low Countries, with his Royal +Highness the Duke of Cumberland, under whom he had the honour of +carrying a halberd at the famous engagement of Fontenoy -- or if +not there, he may have been at Preston Pans, under General Sir +John Cope, when the wild Highlanders broke through all the laws +of discipline and the English lines; and, being on the spot, did +he see the famous ghost which didn't appear to Colonel Gardner of +the Dragoons? My good creature, is it possible you don't +remember that Doctor Swift, Sir Robert Walpole (my Lord Orford, +as you justly say), old Sarah Marlborough, and little Mr Pope, of +Twitnam, died in the year of your birth? What a wretched memory +you have! What? haven't they a library, and the commonest books +of reference at the old convent of Saint Lazarus, where you +dwell?" + +"Convent of Saint Lazarus, Prince William, Dr Swift, Atossa, and +Mr Pope, of Twitnam! What is the gentleman talking about?" says +old goody, with a "Ho! ho!" and a laugh like a old parrot -- you +know they live to be as old as Methuselah, parrots do, and a +parrot of a hundred is comparatively young (ho! ho! ho!). Yes, +and likewise carps live to an immense old age. Some which +Frederick the Great fed at Sans Souci are there now, with great +humps of blue mould on their old backs; and they could tell all +sorts of queer stories, if they chose to speak -- but they are +very silent, carps are -- of their nature peu communicatives. +Oh! what has been thy long life, old goody, but a dole of bread +and water and a perch on a cage; a dreary swim round and round a +Lethe of a pond? What are Rossbach or Jena to those mouldy ones, +and do they know it is a grandchild of England who brings bread +to feed them? + +No! Those Sans Souci carps may live to be a thousand years old +and have nothing to tell but that one day is like another; and +the history of friend Goody Twoshoes has not much more variety +than theirs. Hard labour, hard fare, hard bed, numbing cold all +night, and gnawing hunger most days. That is her lot. Is it +lawful in my prayers to say, "Thank heaven, I am not as one of +these"? If I were eighty, would I like to feel the hunger always +gnawing, gnawing? to have to get up and make a bow when Mr Bumble +the beadle entered the common room? to have to listen to Miss +Prim, who came to give me her ideas of the next world? If I were +eighty, I own I should not like to have to sleep with another +gentleman of my own age, gouty, a bad sleeper, kicking in his old +dreams, and snoring; to march down my vale of years at word of +command, accommodating my tottering old steps to those of the +other prisoners in my dingy, hopeless old gang; to hold out a +trembling hand for a sickly pittance of gruel, and say, "Thank +you, ma'am," to Miss Prim, when she has done reading her sermon. +John! when Goody Twoshoes comes next Friday, I desire she may not +be disturbed by theological controversies. You have a fair +voice, and I heard you and the maids singing a hymn very sweetly +the other night, and was thankful that our humble household +should be in such harmony. Poor old Twoshoes is so old and +toothless and quaky, that she can't sing a bit; but don't be +giving yourself airs over her, because she can't sing and you +can. Make her comfortable at our kitchen hearth. Set that old +kettle to sing by our hob. Warm her old stomach with nut-brown +ale and a toast laid in the fire. Be kind to the poor old +school-girl of ninety, who has had leave to come out for a day of +Christmas holiday. Shall there be many more Christmases for +thee? Think of the ninety she has seen already; the fourscore +and ten cold, cheerless, nipping New Years! + +If you were in her place, would you like to have a remembrance of +better early days, when you were young and happy, and loving, +perhaps; or would you prefer to have no past on which your mind +could rest? About the year 1788, Goody, were your cheeks rosy, +and your eyes bright, and did some young fellow in powder and a +pigtail look in them? We may grow old, but to us some stories +never are old. On a sudden they rise up, not dead, but living -- +not forgotten, but freshly remembered. The eyes gleam on us as +they used to do. The dear voice thrills in our hearts. The +rapture of the meeting, the terrible, terrible parting, again and +again the tragedy is acted over. Yesterday, in the street, I saw +a pair of eyes so like two which used to brighten at my coming +once, that the whole past came back as I walked lonely, in the +rush of the Strand, and I was young again in the midst of joys +and sorrows, alike sweet and sad, alike sacred and fondly +remembered. + +If I tell a tale out of school, will any harm come to my old +school-girl? Once, a lady gave her a half-sovereign, which was a +source of great pain and anxiety to Goody Twoshoes. She sewed it +away in her old stays somewhere, thinking here at least was a +safe investment -- (vestis -- a vest -- an investment, -- pardon +me, thou poor old thing, but I cannot help the pleasantry). And +what do you think? Another pensionnaire of the establishment cut +the coin out of Goody's stays -- an old woman who went upon two +crutches! Faugh, the old witch! What? Violence amongst these +toothless, tottering, trembling, feeble ones? Robbery amongst +the penniless? Dogs coming and snatching Lazarus's crumbs out of +his lap? Ah, how indignant Goody was as she told the story! To +that pond at Potsdam where the carps live for hundreds of +hundreds of years, with hunches of blue mould on their back, I +daresay the little Prince and Princess of Preussen-Britannien +come sometimes with crumbs and cakes to feed the mouldy ones. +Those eyes may have goggled from beneath the weeds at Napoleon's +jack-boots: they have seen Frederick's lean shanks reflected in +their pool; and perhaps Monsieur de Voltaire has fed them, and +now for a crumb of biscuit they will fight, push, hustle, rob, +squabble, gobble, relapsing into their tranquillity when the +ignoble struggle is over. Sans souci, indeed! It is mighty well +writing "Sans souci" over the gate; but where is the gate +through which Care has not slipped? She perches on the shoulders +of the sentry in the sentry-box: she whispers the porter +sleeping in his arm-chair: she glides up the staircase, and lies +down between the king and queen in their bed-royal: this very +night I daresay she will perch upon poor old Goody Twoshoes' +meagre bolster, and whisper, "Will the gentleman and those ladies +ask me again! No, no; they will forget poor old Twoshoes." +Goody! For shame of yourself! Do not be cynical. Do not +mistrust your fellow-creatures. What? Has the Christmas morning +dawned upon thee ninety times? For four-score and ten years has +it been thy lot to totter on this earth, hungry and obscure? +Peace and goodwill to thee, let us say at this Christmas season. +Come, drink, eat, rest awhile at our hearth, thou poor old +pilgrim! And of the bread which God's bounty gives us, I pray, +brother reader, we may not forget to set aside a part for those +noble and silent poor, from whose innocent hands war has torn the +means of labour. Enough! As I hope for beef at Christmas, I vow +a note shall be sent to Saint Lazarus Union House, in which Mr +Roundabout requests the honour of Mrs Twoshoes' company on +Friday, 26th December. + + + +DE JUVENTUTE + + + +We who lived before railways, and survive out of the ancient +world, are like Father Noah and his family out of the Ark. The +children will gather round and say to us patriarchs, "Tell us, +grandpapa, about the old world." And we shall mumble our old +stories; and we shall drop off one by one; and there will be +fewer and fewer of us, and these very old and feeble. There will +be but ten prae-railroadites left: then three -- then two -- +then one -- then 0! If the hippopotamus had the least +sensibility (of which I cannot trace any signs either in his hide +or his face), I think he would go down to the bottom of his tank, +and never come up again. Does he not see that he belongs to +bygone ages, and that his great hulking barrel of a body is out +of place in these times? What has he in common with the brisk +young life surrounding him? In the watches of the night, when +the keepers are asleep, when the birds are on one leg, when even +the little armadillo is quiet, and the monkeys have ceased their +chatter, he -- I mean the hippopotamus -- and the elephant, and +the long-necked giraffe, perhaps may lay their heads together and +have a colloquy about the great silent antediluvian world which +they remember, where mighty monsters floundered through the ooze, +crocodiles basked on the banks, and dragons darted out of the +caves and waters before men were made to slay them. We who lived +before railways are antediluvians -- we must pass away. We are +growing scarcer every day; and old -- old -- very old relicts of +the times when George was still fighting the Dragon. + +Not long since, a company of horseriders paid a visit to our +watering-place. We went to see them, and I bethought me that +young Walter Juvenis, who was in the place, might like also to +witness the performance. A pantomime is not always amusing to +persons who have attained a certain age; but a boy at a +pantomime is always amused and amusing, and to see his pleasure +is good for most hypochondriacs. + +We sent to Walter's mother, requesting that he might join us, and +the kind lady replied that the boy had already been at the +morning performance of the equestrians, but was most eager to go +in the evening likewise. And go he did; and laughed at all Mr +Merryman's remarks, though he remembered them with remarkable +accuracy, and insisted upon waiting to the very end of the fun, +and was only induced to retire just before its conclusion by +representations that the ladies of the party would be incommoded +if they were to wait and undergo the rush and trample of the +crowd round about. When this fact was pointed out to him, he +yielded at once, though with a heavy heart, his eyes looking +longingly towards the ring as we retreated out of the booth. We +were scarcely clear of the place, when we heard "God save the +Queen," played by the equestrian band, the signal that all was +over. Our companion entertained us with scraps of the dialogue +on our way home -- precious crumbs of wit which he had brought +away from that feast. He laughed over them again as he walked +under the stars. He has them now, and takes them out of the +pocket of his memory, and crunches a bit, and relishes it with a +sentimental tenderness, too, for he is, no doubt, back at school +by this time; the holidays are over; and Doctor Birch's young +friends have reassembled. + +Queer jokes, which caused a thousand simple mouths to grin! As +the jaded Merryman uttered them to the old gentleman with the +whip, some of the old folks in the audience, I daresay, indulged +in reflections of their own. There was one joke -- I utterly +forget it -- but it began with Merryman saying what he had for +dinner. He had mutton for dinner, at one o'clock, after which +"he had to come to business." And then came the point. Walter +Juvenis, Esq., Rev. Doctor Birch's, Market Rodborough, if you +read this, will you please send me a line, and let me know what +was the joke Mr Merryman made about having his dinner? You +remember well enough. But do I want to know? Suppose a boy +takes a favourite, long-cherished lump of cake out of his pocket, +and offers you a bit? Merci! The fact is, I don't care much +about knowing that joke of Mr Merryman's. + +But whilst he was talking about his dinner, and his mutton, and +his landlord, and his business, I felt a great interest about Mr +M. in private life -- about his wife, lodgings, earnings, and +general history, and I daresay was forming a picture of those in +my mind: -- wife cooking the mutton; children waiting for it; +Merryman in his plain clothes, and so forth; during which +contemplation the joke was uttered and laughed at, and Mr M., +resuming his professional duties, was tumbling over head and +heels. Do not suppose I am going, sicut est mos, to indulge in +moralities about buffoons, paint, motley, and mountebanking. +Nay, Prime Ministers rehearse their jokes; Opposition leaders +prepare and polish them: Tabernacle preachers must arrange them +in their minds before they utter them. All I mean is, that I +would like to know any one of these performers thoroughly, and +out of his uniform: that preacher, and why in his travels this +and that point struck him; wherein lies his power of pathos, +humour, eloquence; -- that Minister of State, and what moves +him, and how his private heart is working; -- I would only say +that, at a certain time of life certain things cease to interest: +but about some things when we cease to care, what will be the use +of life, sight, hearing? Poems are written, and we cease to +admire. Lady Jones invites us, and we yawn; she ceases to +invite us, and we are resigned. The last time I saw a ballet at +the opera -- oh! it is many years ago -- I fell asleep in the +stalls, wagging my head in insane dreams, and I hope affording +amusement to the company, while the feet of five hundred nymphs +were cutting flicflacs on the stage at a few paces distant. Ah, +I remember a different state of things! Credite posteri. To see +these nymphs -- gracious powers, how beautiful they were! That +leering, painted, shrivelled, thin-armed, thick-ankled old thing, +cutting dreary capers, coming thumping down on her board out of +time -- that an opera-dancer? Pooh! My dear Walter, the great +difference between my time and yours, who will enter life some +two or three years hence, is that, now, the dancing women and +singing women are ludicrously old, out of time, and out of tune; +the paint is so visible, and the dinge and wrinkles of their +wretched old cotton stockings, that I am surprised how anybody +can like to look at them. And as for laughing at me for falling +asleep, I can't understand a man of sense doing otherwise. In my +time, a la bonne heure. In the reign of George IV., I give you +my honour, all the dancers at the opera were as beautiful as +Houris. Even in William IV.'s time, when I think of Duvernay +prancing in as the Bayadere, -- I say it was a vision of +loveliness such as mortal eyes can't see nowadays. How well I +remember the tune to which she used to appear! Kaled used to say +to the Sultan, "My lord, a troop of those dancing and singing +gurls called Bayaderes approaches," and, to the clash of cymbals, +and the thumping of my heart, in she used to dance! There has +never been anything like it -- never. There never will be -- I +laugh to scorn old people who tell me about your Noblet, your +Montessu, your Vistris, your Parisot -- pshaw, the senile +twaddlers! And the impudence of the young men, with their music +and their dancers of to-day! I tell you the women are dreary old +creatures. I tell you one air in an opera is just like another, +and they send all rational creatures to sleep. Ah, Ronzi de +Begnis, thou lovely one! Ah, Caradori, thou smiling angel! Ah, +Malibran! Nay, I will come to modern times, and acknowledge that +Lablache was a very good singer thirty years ago (though Porto +was the boy for me): and they we had Ambrogetti, and Curioni, +and Donzelli, a rising young singer. + +But what is most certain and lamentable is the decay of stage +beauty since the days of George IV. Think of Sontag! I remember +her in Otello and the Donna del Lago in `28. I remember being +behind the scenes at the opera (where numbers of us young fellows +of fashion used to go), and seeing Sontag let her hair fall down +over her shoulders previous to her murder by Donzelli. Young +fellows have never seen beauty like that, heard such a voice, +seen such hair, such eyes. Don't tell me! A man who has been +about town since the reign of George IV., ought he not to know +better than you young lads who have seen nothing? The +deterioration of women is lamentable; and the conceit of the +young fellows more lamentable still, that they won't see this +fact, but persist in thinking their time as good as ours. + +Bless me! when I was a lad, the stage was covered with angels, +who sang, acted, and danced. When I remember the Adelphi, and +the actresses there: when I think of Miss Chester, and Miss +Love, and Mrs Serle at Sadler's Wells, and her forty glorious +pupils -- of the Opera and Noblet, and the exquisite young +Taglioni, and Pauline Leroux, and a host more! One much-admired +being of those days I confess I never cared for, and that was the +chief male dancer -- a very important personage then, with a bare +neck, bare arms, a tunic, and a hat and feathers, who used to +divide the applause with the ladies, and who has now sunk down a +trap-door for ever. And this frank admission ought to show that +I am not your mere twaddling laudator temporis acti -- your old +fogey who can see no good except in his own time. + +They say that claret is better nowadays, and cookery much +improved since the days of my monarch -- of George IV. Pastry +Cookery is certainly not so good. I have often eaten half-a- +crown's worth (including, I trust, ginger-beer) at our school +pastrycook's, and that is a proof that the pastry must have been +very good, for could I do as much now? I passed by the +pastrycook's shop lately, having occasion to visit my old school. +It looked a very dingy old baker's; misfortunes may have come +over him -- those penny tarts certainly did not look so nice as I +remember them: but he may have grown careless as he has grown +old (I should judge him to be now about ninety-six years of age), +and his hand may have lost its cunning. + +Not that we were not great epicures. I remember how we +constantly grumbled at the quantity of the food in our master's +house -- which on my conscience I believe was excellent and +plentiful -- and how we tried once or twice to eat him out of +house and home. At the pastrycook's we may have over-eaten +ourselves (I have admitted half-a-crown's worth for my own part, +but I don't like to mention the real figure for fear of +perverting the present generation of boys by my monstrous +confession) -- we may have eaten too much, I say. We did; but +what then? The school apothecary was sent for: a couple of +small globules at night, a trifling preparation of senna in the +morning, and we had not to go to school, so that the draught was +an actual pleasure. + +For our amusements, besides the games in vogue, which were pretty +much in old times as they are now (except cricket par exemple -- +and I wish the present youth joy of their bowling, and suppose +Armstrong and Whitworth will bowl at them with light field-pieces +next), there were novels -- ah! I trouble you to find such novels +in the present day! O Scottish Chiefs, didn't we weep over you! +O Mysteries of Udolpho, didn't I and Briggs Minor draw pictures +out of you, as I have said? Efforts, feeble indeed, but still +giving pleasure to us and our friends. "I say, old boy, draw us +Vivaldi tortured in the Inquisition," or, "Draw us Don Quixote +and the windmills, you know," amateurs would say, to boys who had +a love of drawing. "Peregrine Pickle" we liked, our fathers +admiring it, and telling us (the sly old boys) it was capital +fun; but I think I was rather bewildered by it, though "Roderick +Random" was and remains delightful. I don't remember having +Sterne in the school library, no doubt because the works of that +divine were not considered decent for young people. Ah! not +against thy genius, O father of Uncle Toby and Trim, would I say +a word in disrespect. But I am thankful to live in times when +men no longer have the temptation to write so as to call blushes +on women's cheeks, and would shame to whisper wicked allusions to +honest boys. Then, above all, we had Walter Scott, the kindly, +the generous, the pure -- the companion of what countless +delightful hours; the purveyor of how much happiness; the +friend whom we recall as the constant benefactor of our youth! +How well I remember the type and the brownish paper of the old +duodecimo "Tales of My Landlord!" I have never dared to read the +"Pirate," and the "Bride of Lammermoor," or "Kenilworth," from +that day to this, because the finale is unhappy, and people die, +and are murdered at the end. But "Ivanhoe," and "Quentin +Durward"! Oh! for a half-holiday, and a quiet corner, and one of +those books again! Those books, and perhaps those eyes with +which we read them; and, it may be, the brains behind the eyes! +It may be the tart was good; but how fresh the appetite was! If +the gods would give me the desire of my heart, I should be able +to write a story which boys would relish for the next few dozen +of centuries. The boy-critic loves the story: grown up, he +loves the author who wrote the story. Hence the kindly tie is +established between writer and reader, and lasts pretty nearly +for life. I meet people now who don't care of Walter Scott, or +the "Arabian Nights"; I am sorry for them, unless they in their +time have found their romancer -- their charming Scheherazade. +By the way, Walter, when you are writing, tell me who is the +favourite novelist in the fourth form now? Have you got anything +so good and kindly as dear Miss Edgeworth's Frank? It used to +belong to a fellow's sisters generally; but though he pretended +to despise it, and said, "Oh, stuff for girls!" he read it; and +I think there were one or two passages which would try my eyes +now, were I to meet with the little book. + +As for Thomas and Jeremiah (it is only my witty way of calling +Tom and Jerry), I went to the British Museum the other day on +purpose to get it; but somehow, if you will press the question +so closely, on reperusal, Tom and Jerry is not so brilliant as I +had supposed it to be. The pictures are just as fine as ever; +and I shook hands with broad-backed Jerry Hawthorn and Corinthian +Tom with delight, after many year's absence. But the style of +the writing, I own, was not pleasing to me; I even thought it a +little vulgar -- well! well! other writers have been considered +vulgar -- and as a description of the sports and amusements of +London in the ancient times, more curious than amusing. + +But the pictures! -- oh! the pictures are noble still! First, +there is Jerry arriving from the country, in a green coat and +leather gaiters, and being measured for a fashionable suit at +Corinthian House, by Corinthian Tom's tailor. Then away for the +career of pleasure and fashion. The park! delicious excitement! +The theatre! the saloon!! the green-room!!! Rapturous bliss -- +the opera itself! and then perhaps to Temple Bar, to knock down a +Charley there! There are Jerry and Tom, with their tights and +little cocked hats, coming from the opera -- very much as +gentlemen in waiting on royalty are habited now. There they are +at Almack's itself, amidst a crowd of high-bred personages, with +the Duke of Clarence himself looking at them dancing. Now, +strange change, they are in Tom Cribb's parlour, where they don't +seem to be a whit less at home than in fashion's gilded halls; +and now they are at Newgate, seeing the irons knocked off the +malefactors' legs previous to execution. What hardened ferocity +in the countenance of the desperado in yellow breeches! What +compunction in the face of the gentleman in black (who, I +suppose, has been forging), and who clasps his hands, and listens +to the chaplain! Now we haste away to merrier scenes: to +Tattersall's (ah gracious powers! what a funny fellow that actor +was who performed Dicky Green in that scene in the play!); and +now we are at a private party, at which Corinthian Tom is +waltzing (and very gracefully too, as you must confess) with +Corinthian Kate, whilst Bob Logic, the Oxonian, is playing on the +piano! + +"After," the text says, "the Oxonian had played several pieces of +lively music, he requested as a favour that Kate and his friend +Tom would perform a waltz. Kate without any hesitation +immediately stood up. Tom offered his hand to his fascinating +partner, and the dance took place. The plate conveys a correct +representation of the `gay scene' at that precise moment. The +anxiety of the Oxonian to witness the attitudes of the elegant +pair had nearly put a stop to their movements. On turning round +from the pianoforte and presenting his comical mug, Kate could +scarcely suppress a laugh." + +And no wonder; just look at it now (as I have copied it to the +best of my humble ability), and compare Master Logic's +countenance and attitude with the splendid elegance of Tom! Now +every London man is weary and blase. There is an enjoyment of +life in these young bucks of 1823 which contrasts strangely with +our feelings of 1860. Here, for instance, is a specimen of their +talk and walk, "`If,' says LOGIC -- `if enjoyment is your motto, +you may make the most of an evening at Vauxhall, more than at any +other place in the metropolis. It is all free and easy. Stay as +long as you like, and depart when you think proper.' -- `Your +description is so flattering,' replied JERRY, `that I do not care +how soon the time arrives for us to start.' LOGIC proposed a +`bit of a stroll' in order to get rid of an hour or two, which +was immediately accepted by Tom and Jerry. A turn or two in Bond +Street, a stroll through Piccadilly, a look in at TATTERSALL's, a +ramble through Pall Mall, and a strut on the Corinthian path, +fully occupied the time of our heroes until the hour for dinner +arrived, when a few glasses of TOM's rich wines soon put them on +the qui vive. VAUXHALL was then the object in view, and the TRIO +started, bent upon enjoying the pleasures which this place so +amply affords." + +How nobly those inverted commas, those italics, those capitals, +bring out the writer's wit and relieve the eye! They are as good +as jokes, though you mayn't quite preceive the point. Mark the +varieties of lounge in which the young men indulge -- now a +stroll, then a look in, then a ramble, and presently a strut. +When George, Prince of Wales, was twenty, I have read in an old +Magazine, "the Prince's lounge" was a peculiar manner of walking +which the young bucks imitated. At Windsor George III. had a +cat's path -- a sly early walk which the good old king took in +the grey morning before his household was astir. What was the +Corinthian path here recorded? Does any antiquary know? And +what were the rich wines which our friends took, and which enable +them to enjoy Vauxhall? Vauxhall is gone, but the wines which +could occasion such a delightful perversion of the intellect as +to enable it to enjoy ample pleasures there, what were they? + +So the game of life proceeds, until Jerry Hawthorn, the rustic, +is fairly knocked up by all this excitement and is forced to go +home, and the last picture represents him getting into the coach +at the "White Horse Cellar," he being one of six inside; whilst +his friends shake him by the hand; whilst the sailor mounts on +the roof; whilst the Jews hang round with oranges, knives, and +sealing-wax: whilst the guard is closing the door. Where are +they now, those sealing-wax vendors? where are the guards? where +are the jolly teams? where are the coaches? and where the youth +that climbed inside and out of them; that heard the merry horn +which sounds no more; that saw the sun rise over Stonehenge; +that rubbed away the bitter tears at night after parting as the +coach sped on the journey to school and London; that looked out +with beating heart as the milestones flew by, for the welcome +corner where began home and holidays. + +It is night now: and here is home. Gathered under the quiet +roof elders and children lie alike at rest. In the midst of a +great peace and calm, the stars look out from the heavens. The +silence is peopled with the past; sorrowful remorses for sins +and shortcomings -- memories of passionate joys and griefs rise +out of their graves, both now alike calm and sad. Eyes, as I +shut mine, look at me, that have long ceased to shine. The town +and the fair landscape sleep under the starlight, wreathed in the +autumn mists. Twinkling among the houses a light keeps watch +here and there, in what may be a sick chamber or two. The clock +tolls sweetly in the silent air. Here is night and rest. An +awful sense of thanks makes the heart swell, and the head bow, as +I pass to my room through the sleeping house, and feel as though +a hushed blessing were upon it. + + + +ROUND ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS TREE + + + +The kindly Christmas tree, from which I trust every gentle reader +has pulled out a bonbon or two, is yet all aflame whilst I am +writing, and sparkles with the sweet fruits of its season. You +young ladies, may you have plucked pretty giftlings from it; and +out of the cracker sugar-plum which you have split with the +captain or the sweet young curate may you have read one of those +delicious conundrums which the confectioners introduce into the +sweetmeats, and which apply to the cunning passion of love. +Those riddles are to be read at your age, when I daresay they are +amusing. As for Dolly, Merry, and Bell, who are standing at the +tree, they don't care about the love-riddle part, but understand +the sweet-almoned portion very well. They are four, five, six +years old. Patience, little people! A dozen merry Christmases +more, and you will be reading those wonderful love-conundrums, +too. As for us elderly folks, we watch the babies at their +sport, and the young people pulling at the branches: and instead +of finding bonbons or sweeties in the packets which we pluck off +the boughs, we find enclosed Mr Carnifex's review of the +quarter's meat; Mr Sartor's compliments, and little statement +for self and the young gentlemen; and Madame de Sainte- +Crinoline's respects to the young ladies, who encloses her +account, and will sent on Saturday, please; or we stretch our +hand out to the educational branch of the Christmas tree, and +there find a lively and amusing article from the Rev. Henry +Holyshade, containing our dear Tommy's exceedingly moderate +account for the last term's school expenses. + +The tree yet sparkles, I say. I am writing on the day before +Twelfth Day, if you must know; but already ever so many of the +fruits have been pulled, and the Christmas lights have gone out. +Bobby Miseltow, who has been staying with us for a week (and who +has been sleeping mysteriously in the bath-room), comes to say he +is going away to spend the rest of the holidays with his +grandmother -- and I brush away the manly tear of regret as I +part with the dear child. "Well, Bob, good-bye, since you will +go. Compliments to grandmamma. Thank her for the turkey. +Here's ----" (A slight pecuniary transaction takes place at this +juncture, and Bob nods and winks, and puts his hand in his +waistcoat pocket.) "You have had a pleasant week?" + +Bob. -- "Haven't I!" (And exit, anxious to know the amount of the +coin which has just changed hands.) + +He is gone, and as the dear boy vanishes through the door (behind +which I see him perfectly), I too cast up a little account of our +past Christmas week. When Bob's holidays are over, and the +printer has sent me back this manuscript, I know Christmas will +be an old story. All the fruit will be off the Christmas tree +then; the crackers will have cracked off; the almonds will have +been crunched; and the sweet-bitter riddles will have been read; +the lights will have perished off the dark green boughs; the +toys growing on them will have been distributed, fought for, +cherished, neglected, broken. Ferdinand and Fidelia will each +keep out of it (be still, my gushing heart!) the remembrance of a +riddle read together, of a double almond munched together, and of +the moiety of an exploded cracker.... The maids, I say, will have +taken down all that holly stuff and nonsense about the clocks, +lamps, and looking-glasses, the dear boys will be back at school, +fondly thinking of the pantomime fairies whom they have seen; +whose gaudy gossamer wings are battered by this time; and whose +pink cotton (or silk is it?) lower extremities are all dingy and +dusty. Yet but a few days, Bob, and flakes of paint will have +cracked off the fairy flower-bowers, and the revolving temples of +adamantine lustre will be as shabby as the city of Pekin. When +you read this, will Clown still be going on lolling his tongue +out of his mouth, and saying, "How are you to-morrow?" To- +morrow, indeed! He must be almost ashamed of himself (if that +cheek is still capable of the blush of shame) for asking the +absurd question. To-morrow, indeed! To-morrow the diffugient +snows will give place to spring; the snowdrops will lift their +heads; Ladyday may be expected, and the pecuniary duties +peculiar to that feast; in place of bonbons, trees will have an +eruption of light green knobs; the whitebait season will +bloom ... as if one need go on describing these vernal phenomena, +when Christmas is still here, though ending, and the subject of +my discourse! + +We have all admired the illustrated papers, and noted how +boisterously jolly they become at Christmas time. What wassail- +bowls, robin-redbreasts, waits, snow landscapes, bursts of +Christmas song! And then to think that these festivities are +prepared months before -- that these Christmas pieces are +prophetic! How kind of artists and poets to devise the +festivities beforehand, and serve them pat at the proper time! +We ought to be grateful to them, as to the cook who gets up at +midnight and sets the pudding a-boiling, which is to feast us at +six o'clock. I often think with gratitude of the famous Mr +Nelson Lee -- the author of I don't know how many hundred +glorious pantomimes -- walking by the summer wave at Margate, or +Brighton perhaps, revolving in his mind the idea of some new +gorgeous spectacle of faery, which the winter shall see complete. +He is like cook at midnight (si parva licet). He watches and +thinks. He pounds the sparkling sugar of benevolence, the plums +of fancy, the sweetmeats of fun, the figs of -- well, the figs of +fairy fiction, let us say, and pops the whole in the seething +cauldron of imagination, and at due season serves up the +Pantomime. + +Very few men in the course of nature can expect to see all the +pantomimes in one season, but I hope to the end of my life I +shall never forego reading about them in that delicious sheet of +The Times which appears on the morning after Boxing-day. Perhaps +reading is even better than seeing. The best way, I think, is to +say you are ill, lie in bed, and have the paper for two hours, +reading all the way down from Drury Lane to the Britannia at +Hoxton. Bob and I went to two pantomimes. One was at the +Theatre of Fancy, and the other at the Fairy Opera, and I don't +know which we liked the best. + +At the Fancy, we saw "Harlequin Hamlet, or Daddy's Ghost and +Nunky's Pison," which is all very well -- but, gentlemen, if you +don't respect Shakspeare, to whom will you be civil? The palace +and ramparts of Elsinore by moon and snowlight is one of +Loutherbourg's finest efforts. The banqueting hall of the palace +is illuminated: the peaks and gables glitter with the snow: the +sentinels march blowing their fingers with the cold -- the +freezing of the nose of one of them is very neatly and +dexterously arranged: the snow storm rises: the winds howl +awfully along the battlements: the waves come curling, leaping, +foaming to shore. Hamlet's umbrella is whirled away in the +storm. He and his two friends stamp on each other's toes to keep +them warm. The storm-spirits rise in the air, and are whirled +howling round the palace and the rocks. My eyes! what tiles and +chimney-pots fly hurtling through the air! As the storm reaches +its height (here the wind instruments come in with prodigious +effect, and I compliment Mr Brumby and the violoncellos) -- as +the snow storm rises (queek, queek, queek, go the fiddles, and +then thrumpty thrump comes a pizzicato movement in Bob Major, +which sends a shiver into your very boot-soles), the thunder- +clouds deepen (bong, bong, bong, from the violoncellos). The +forked lightning quivers through the clouds in a zig-zag scream +of violins -- and look, look, look! as the frothing, roaring +waves come rushing up the battlements, and over the reeling +parapet, each hissing wave becomes a ghost, sends the gun- +carriages rolling over the platform, and plunges into the water +again. + +Hamlet's mother comes on to the battlements to look for her son. +The storm whips her umbrella out of her hands, and she retires +screaming in pattens. + +The cabs on the stand in the great market-place at Elsinore are +seen to drive off, and several people are drowned. The gas-lamps +along the street are wrenched from their foundations, and shoot +through the troubled air. Whist, rush, hish! how the rain roars +and pours! The darkness becomes awful, always deepened by the +power of the music -- and see -- in the midst of a rush, and +whirl, and scream of spirits of air and wave -- what is that +ghastly figure moving hither? It becomes bigger, bigger, as it +advances down the platform -- more ghastly, more horrible, +enormous! It is as tall as the whole stage. It seems to be +advancing on the stalls and pit, and the whole house screams with +terror, as the Ghost of the Late Hamlet comes in, and begins to +speak. Several people faint, and the light-fingered gentry pick +pockets furiously in the darkness. + +In the pitchy darkness, this awful figure throwing his eyes +about, the gas in the boxes shuddering out of sight, and the +wind-instruments bugling the most horrible wails, the boldest +spectator must have felt frightened. But hark! what is that +silver shimmer of the fiddles? Is it -- can it be -- the grey +dawn peeping in the stormy east? The ghost's eyes look blankly +towards it, and roll a ghastly agony. Quicker, quicker ply the +violins of Phoebus Apollo. Redder, redder grow the orient +clouds. Cockadoodledoo! crows that great cock which has just +come out on the roof of the palace. And now the round sun +himself pops up from behind the waves of night. Where is the +ghost? He is gone! Purple shadows of morn "slant o'er the snowy +sward," the city wakes up in life and sunshine, and we confess we +are very much relieved at the disappearance of the ghost. We +don't like those dark scenes in pantomimes. + +After the usual business, that Ophelia should be turned into +Columbine was to be expected; but I confess I was a little +shocked when Hamlet's mother became Pantaloon, and was instantly +knocked down by Clown Claudius. Grimaldi is getting a little old +now, but for real humour there are few clowns like him. Mr +Shuter, as the gravedigger, was chaste and comic, as he always +is, and the scene-painters surpassed themselves. + +"Harlequin Conqueror and the Field of Hastings," at the other +house, is very pleasant too. The irascible William is acted with +great vigour by Snoxall, and the battle of Hastings is a good +piece of burlesque. Some trifling liberties are taken with +history, but what liberties will not the merry genius of +pantomime permit himself? At the battle of Hastings, William is +on the point of being defeated by the Sussex volunteers, very +elegantly led by the always pretty Miss Waddy (as Haco +Sharpshooter), when a shot from the Normans kills Harold. The +Fairy Edith hereupon comes forward, and finds his body, which +straightway leaps up a live harlequin, whilst the Conqueror makes +an excellent clown, and the Archbishop of Bayeux a diverting +pantaloon, &c. &c. &c. + +Perhaps these are not the pantomimes we really saw; but one +description will do as well as another. The plots, you see, are +a little intricate and difficult to understand in pantomimes; +and I may have mixed up one with another. That I was at the +theatre on Boxing-night is certain -- but the pit was so full +that I could only see fairy legs glittering in the distance, as I +stood at the door. And if I was badly off, I think there was a +young gentleman behind me worse off still. I own that he has +good reason (though others have not) to speak ill of me behind my +back, and hereby beg his pardon. + +Likewise to the gentleman who picked up a party in Piccadilly, +who had slipped and fallen in the snow, and was there on his +back, uttering energetic expressions: that party begs to offer +thanks, and compliments of the season. + +Bob's behaviour on New Year's day, I can assure Dr Holyshade, was +highly creditable to the boy. He had expressed a determination +to partake of every dish which was put on the table; but after +soup, fish, roast-beef, and roast-goose, he retired from active +business until the pudding and mince-pies made their appearance, +of which he partook liberally, but not too freely. And he +greatly advanced in my good opinion by praising the punch, which +was of my own manufacture, and which some gentlemen present (Mr +O'M--g--n, amongst others) pronounced to be too weak. Too weak! +A bottle of rum, a bottle of Madeira, half a bottle of brandy, +and two bottles and a half of water -- can this mixture be said +to be too weak for any mortal? Our young friend amused the +company during the evening, by exhibiting a two-shilling magic- +lantern, which he had purchased, and likewise by singing "Sally, +come up!" a quaint, but rather monotonous melody, which I am told +is sung by the poor negro on the banks of the broad Mississippi. + +What other enjoyments did we proffer for the child's amusement +during the Christmas week? A great philosopher was giving a +lecture to young folks at the British Institution. But when this +diversion was proposed to our young friend Bob, he said, +"Lecture? No, thank you. Not as I knows on," and made sarcastic +signals on his nose. Perhaps he is of Dr Johnson's opinion about +lectures: "Lectures, sir! what man would go to hear that +imperfectly at a lecture, which he can read at leisure in a +book?" I never went, of my own choice, to a lecture; that I can +vow. As for sermons, they are different; I delight in them, and +they cannot, of course, be too long. + +Well, we partook of yet other Christmas delights besides +pantomime, pudding, and pie. One glorious, one delightful, one +most unlucky and pleasant day, we drove in a brougham, with a +famous horse, which carried us more quickly and briskly than any +of your vulgar railways, over Battersea Bridge, on which the +horse's hoofs rung as if it had been iron; through suburban +villages, plum-caked with snow; under a leaden sky, in which the +sun hung like a red-hot warming-pan; by pond after pond, where +not only men and boys, but scores after scores of women and +girls, were sliding, and roaring, and clapping their lean old +sides with laughter, as they tumbled down, and their hobnailed +shoes flew up in the air; the air frosty with a lilac haze, +through which villas, and commons, and churches, and plantations +glimmered. We drive up the hill, Bob and I; we make the last +two miles in eleven minutes; we pass that poor, armless man who +sits there in the cold, following you with his eyes. I don't +give anything, and Bob looks disappointed. We are set down +neatly at the gate, and a horse-holder opens the brougham door. +I don't give anything; again disappointment on Bob's part. I +pay a shilling apiece, and we enter into the glorious building, +which is decorated for Christmas, and straightway forgetfulness +on Bob's part of everything but that magnificent scene. The +enormous edifice is all decorated for Bob and Christmas. The +stalls, the columns, the fountains, courts, statues, splendours, +are all crowned for Christmas. The delicious negro is singing +his Alabama choruses for Christmas and Bob. He has scarcely +done, when, Tootarootatoo! Mr Punch is performing his surprising +actions, and hanging the beadle. The stalls are decorated. The +refreshment-tables are piled with good things; at many fountains +"Mulled Claret" is written up in appetizing capitals. "Mulled +Claret -- oh, jolly! How cold it is!" says Bob; I pass on. +"It's only three o'clock," says Bob. "No, only three," I say +meekly. "We dine at seven," sighs Bob, "and it's so-o-o coo- +old." I still would take no hints. No claret, no refreshment, +no sandwiches, no sausage-rolls for Bob. At last I am obliged to +tell him all. Just before we left home, a little Christmas bill +popped in at the door and emptied my purse at the threshold. I +forgot all about the transaction, and had to borrow half-a-crown +from John Coachman to pay for our entrance into the palace of +delight. Now you see, Bob, why I could not treat you on that +second of January when we drove to the palace together; when the +girls and boys were sliding on the ponds at Dulwich; when the +darkling river was full of floating ice, and the sun was like a +warming-pan in the leaden sky. + +One more Christmas sight we had, of course; and that sight I +think I like as well as Bob himself at Christmas, and at all +seasons. We went to a certain garden of delight, where, whatever +your cares are, I think you can manage to forget some of them, +and muse, and be not unhappy; to a garden beginning with a Z, +which is as lively as Noah's ark; where the fox has brought his +brush, and the cock has brought his comb, and the elephant has +brought his trunk, and the kangaroo has brought his bag, and the +condor his old white wig and black satin hood. On this day it +was so cold that the white bears winked their pink eyes, as they +plapped up and down by their pool, and seemed to say, "Aha, this +weather reminds us of dear home!" "Cold! bah! I have got such a +warm coat," says brother Bruin, "I don't mind"; and he laughs on +his pole, and clucks down a bun. The squealing hyaenas gnashed +their teeth and laughed at us quite refreshingly at their window; +and, cold as it was, Tiger, Tiger, burning bright, glared at us +red-hot through his bars, and snorted blasts of hell. The woolly +camel leered at us quite kindly as he paced round his ring on his +silent pads. We went to our favourite places. Our dear wambat +came up, and had himself scratched very affably. Our fellow- +creatures in the monkey room held out their little black hands, +and piteously asked us for Christmas alms. Those darling +alligators on their rock winked at us in the most friendly way. +The solemn eagles sat alone, and scowled at us from their peaks; +whilst little Tom Ratel tumbled over head and heels for us in his +usual diverting manner. If I have cares in my mind, I come to +the Zoo, and fancy they don't pass the gate. I recognise my +friends, my enemies, in countless cages. I entertained the +eagle, the vulture, the old billy-goat, and the black-pated, +crimson-necked, blear-eyed, baggy, hook-beaked old marabou stork +yesterday at dinner; and when Bob's aunt came to tea in the +evening, and asked him what he had seen, he stepped up to her +gravely, and said -- + +"First I saw the white bear, then I saw the black, +Then I saw the camel with a hump upon his back. + +Chorus of Children + +Then I saw the camel with a HUMP upon his back! + +Then I saw the grey wolf, with mutton in his maw; +Then I saw the wambat waddle in the straw; +Then I saw the elephant with his waving trunk, +Then I saw the monkeys -- mercy, how unpleasantly they -- smelt!" + +There. No one can beat that piece of wit, can he Bob? And so it +is over; but we had a jolly time, whilst you were with us, +hadn't we? Present my respects to the doctor; and I hope, my +boy, we may spend another merry Christmas next year. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Some Roundabout Papers, by Thackeray + |