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diff --git a/14601-h/14601-h.htm b/14601-h/14601-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc1ce69 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/14601-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2146 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, May 7, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img, .inline img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + a:link {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:#ff0000} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, +May 7, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 7, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" + id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span> + + <h2>'ARRY ON WHEELS.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/217.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/217.png" + alt="Our 'Arry Laureate." /></a>Our 'Arry Laureate. + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>DEAR CHARLIE,—Spring's on us at last, and a + proper old April we've 'ad,</p> + + <p>Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made + 'oliday makers feel mad.</p> + + <p>Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems + somehow to take a delight</p> + + <p>In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was + out of sheer spite.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in + orfice or fact'ry, or shop,</p> + + <p>The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller + feels fair on the 'op;</p> + + <p>But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings + all round is in train,</p> + + <p>It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster + of rain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go + as crooked as Z.</p> + + <p>Feelosophers <i>may</i> think it out, 'ARRY ain't + got the 'eart, or the 'ead;</p> + + <p>But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's + fust laws, and no kid.</p> + + <p>If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good + 'ealth and <i>no</i> quid!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good + outing—on wheels;</p> + + <p>For I've took to the bicycle, yus,—and can + show a good many my 'eels.</p> + + <p>You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a + smooth bit of straight road,</p> + + <p>And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of + wheeling, I'm blowed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Larks fust and larks larst is <i>my</i> motter. Old + RICHARDSON's rumbo is rot.</p> + + <p>Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts + to a sanit'ry pot;</p> + + <p>But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty + scenery, and that,</p> + + <p>As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly + is not sech a flat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for + good 'ealth, I've no doubt</p> + + <p>That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is + mere turning about,</p> + + <p>Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, + wheeling <i>as</i> wheeling's 'ard work,</p> + + <p>And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I + always did shirk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>I</i> ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with + a chest 'ollered out, and a 'ump,</p> + + <p>Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or + go slap off their chump.</p> + + <p>You don't ketch <i>me</i> straining my 'eart till it + cracks for a big silver mug.</p> + + <p>No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel + cosy and snug.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up + to champion form.</p> + + <p>And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the + Wheel-World by storm,</p> + + <p>Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' + to lace up 'is boot.</p> + + <p>Let them go for <i>that</i> game as are mind to, + here's one as it certn'y won't soot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd + 'ardly emagine 'ow much,</p> + + <p>If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and + skyfoozled some dawdling old Dutch.</p> + + <p>Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly + the doddering old sort</p> + + <p>As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! + that makes a'rf the sport!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled + tremenjus at fust,</p> + + <p>Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a + thundering thust;</p> + + <p>I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling + about on the loose,</p> + + <p>As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and + about as much use.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now I <i>don't</i> like to look like a juggins, it's + wot I carn't stand, s'elp my bob;</p> + + <p>But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, + when I'm fair on the job.</p> + + <p>So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of + grass and tall trees,</p> + + <p>Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer + 'twas "go as yer please."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as + Solsberry Plain,</p> + + <p>Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when + it's welting with rain;</p> + + <p>Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and + studyus old stodges live there,</p> + + <p>And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; + but wot did <i>I</i> care.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked + 'em a smart bit o' lip,</p> + + <p>With a big D or two—for the ladies—and + wosn't they soon on the skip!</p> + + <p>'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I + could fair feel my feet;</p> + + <p>If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure + it'll do you a treat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties + don't run yer much risk,</p> + + <p>And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle + along pooty brisk;</p> + + <p>And <i>then</i> came the barney, my bloater! I jined + 'arf a dozen prime pals,</p> + + <p>And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, + and espessh'lly the gals.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, + sportsman form, and sech muck.</p> + + <p>I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and + trust to pot-luck.</p> + + <p>A rush twelve-a-breast <i>is</i> a gammock, twelve + squeakers a going like one;</p> + + <p>But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer + sperrits, and spile all the fun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, + mugs will keep spouting it still;</p> + + <p>But wot <i>is</i> it to me and my mates, treadles + loose, and a-chargin' down 'ill?</p> + + <p>Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, + our 'owls, women's shrieks, and men's swears!</p> + + <p>Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a + busting down-stairs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming + girl's school on the trot,</p> + + <p>May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't + <i>my</i> form by a lot.</p> + + <p>Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the + old buffers as prowl</p> + + <p>Along green country roads at their ease, till + they're scared by my squeak, or my 'owl?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My "alarm" <i>is</i> a caution I tell yer; it sounds + like some shrill old macaw,</p> + + <p>Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives + yer a twist in the jaw,</p> + + <p>And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till + I shake in my socks</p> + + <p>When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump + like a Jack-in-the-box.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray + likewise, dear boy.</p> + + <p>'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that + chorus,—a boon and a joy!</p> + + <p>Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables + jest makes me bust;</p> + + <p>When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus + than the row and the dust!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our + spins out of town;</p> + + <p>Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we + just ladle it down?</p> + + <p>And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder + well over the wheel,</p> + + <p>And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer + I make the thing squeal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well + back on my 'ed,</p> + + <p>And my spine fairly <i>'umped</i> to it, CHARLIE, + and then carn't I paint the town red?</p> + + <p>They call me "The Camel" for that, <i>and</i> my + stomach-capas'ty for "wet."</p> + + <p>Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the + liquor,—you bet!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long + squeals to the <i>Times</i> about hus.</p> + + <p>They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! + it's all fidgets and fuss.</p> + + <p>I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got + no heye for a lark.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and + squirm if we makes a remark.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em + the haffable nod;</p> + + <p>Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being + scowled at, it's hodd.</p> + + <p>Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although + they may look a mite shy;</p> + + <p>It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or + fie-fie.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of + hus—BUGGINS and me,</p> + + <p>MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and + TOFF JONES, and MICK SHEE;</p> + + <p>All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along + comes a gurl on a 'orse.</p> + + <p>Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and + gave 'er a rouser, in course.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked + so remarkable rum,</p> + + <p>That we <i>couldn't</i> 'elp doing a larf, though + the gurl wos pertikler yum-yum;</p> + + <p>We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a + swell, and he swore,</p> + + <p>And—would you believe it, old pal?—went + for BUGGINS, and give 'im wot for!!!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, + surely, about sech a hact!</p> + + <p>Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere + crackpots as ain't got no tact.</p> + + <p>We all did a guy like greased lightning; you + <i>can</i> when you're once on your wheel—</p> + + <p>Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls + can do nothink but squeal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's + beastly to think a fine sport</p> + + <p>And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be + kiboshed by mugs of that sort.</p> + + <p>All boko! dear boy, those <i>Times</i> letters! I + mean the new barney to carry,</p> + + <p>As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their + meddlesome mawleys orf</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">'ARRY.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" + id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/218.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/218.png" + alt="THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE." /></a> + + <h3>THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.</h3> + + <p><i>Lady Clara Robinson</i> (<i>née Vere de Vere</i>). + "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN + I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"</p> + + <p><i>Conductor.</i> "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY + DECAYED ARISTOCRACY TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS + UP THEIR MANNERS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>After a Celebrated Model.</i>)</h4> + + <center> + COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892. + </center> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write + sonnets on the South-Eastern."—<i>Mr. Barry Pain, "In + the Smoking-Room."</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Earth has not anything to show less fair:</p> + + <p>Patient were he of soul who could pass by</p> + + <p>A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry</p> + + <p>Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,</p> + + <p>Without one single, solitary swear.</p> + + <p>The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,</p> + + <p>The prompt "next platform" (which is all my + eye),</p> + + <p>The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;</p> + + <p>Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,</p> + + <p>Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one + ill;</p> + + <p>The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!</p> + + <p>The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.</p> + + <p>Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,</p> + + <p>That the long humbugged Public stands it still?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.—A good combination of names is + to be found in an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at + Prince's Hall, Piccadilly, on the evening of May 11, to be + given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr. A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it + might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made Concert." If + REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give credit? + <i>Solvitur ambulando</i>—that is, Walk in, and you'll + find out. It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, + "Master G.," who is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, + as his REDDIE-witted companion playfully observes, "The + youthful pianist will out-Erard ERARD."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Call you this Backing your Friends?"</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Confused Conservative.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough + rage,</p> + + <p class="i2">Conservatism is as shield and fetter + meant;</p> + + <p>And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;</p> + + <p class="i2">And RITCHIE tells us he approves of + "Betterment"!</p> + + <p>O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,</p> + + <p>Is <i>this</i> to be the end of all our dreams?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.</h2> + + <div class="drama"> + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of a Foreign Law Court. + Numerous officials in attendance performing their + various duties in an apprehensive sort of way. Audience + small but determined.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>nervously</i>). Now are we really + protected from disturbance?</p> + + <p><i>General in Command of Troops.</i> I think so. The + Court House is surrounded by an Army Corps, and the + Engineers find that the place has not been undermined to at + least a distance of a thousand feet.</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>somewhat reassured</i>). Well, now I + think we may proceed with the trial. Admit the accused.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Prisoner <i>is bowed into the dock, and + accommodated with a comfortably cushioned + arm-chair.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Good morning. (<i>To</i> Judge.) You + can resume your hat.</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>bowing to the</i> Prisoner). Accused, I + am deeply honoured by your courtesy. I trust you have been + comfortable in the State apartments that have been recently + supplied to you.</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>firmly</i>). State apartment! Why it + was a prison! You know it, <i>M. le Juge</i>, and you, + Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses. (<i>The entire + audience shudder apprehensively.</i>) And, what is more, my + friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and + thrown into prison. Yes, they know that, and will act + accordingly.</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>tearfully</i>). I am sure none of us + wished to offend you!</p> + + <p><i>Members of the Bar</i> (<i>in a breath</i>). + Certainly not!</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose + you don't want any evidence. You have heard what I have + said. You know that I regret having caused inconvenience to + my innocent victims. They would forgive me for my innocent + intentions. I only wished to save everybody by blowing + everybody up.</p> + + <p><i>The Court generally.</i> Yes, yes!</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Well, I have just done. And now what + say the Jury? Where are they?</p> + + <p><i>Foreman of the Jury</i> (<i>white with fear</i>). I + am, Sir,—very pleased to see you, Sir,—hope you + are well, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>). Tol lol. And + now what do you say? am I Guilty or Not Guilty?</p> + + <p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We + will talk it over, Sir—if you don't mind, Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner.</i> I need not tell you that my friends + outside take the greatest possible interest in your + proceedings.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>promptly</i>). Why, yes, Sir! The + fact is we have all had anonymous letters daily, saying + that we shall be blown out of house and home if we harm + you.</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>laughing</i>). Oh, be under no + apprehension. It is merely the circular of my friends. Only + a compilation of hints for the guidance of the Gentlemen of + the Jury.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman.</i> Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that + spirit.</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner.</i> You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have + surely had time to make up your minds. Do you find me + Guilty or Not Guilty?</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>earnestly</i>). Why, Not Guilty, to + be sure.</p> + + <p><i>Judge.</i> Release the accused! Sir, you have my + congratulations. Pray accept my distinguished + consideration.</p> + + <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>coldly</i>). You are very good. And + now adieu, and off to breakfast with what appetite ye + may!</p> + + <p><i>The Entire Court</i> (<i>falling on their knees, and + raising their hands in supplication</i>). Mercy, Sir! For + pity's sake, mercy!</p> + + <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>fiercely</i>). Mercy! What, after + I have been arrested! Mercy! after I have been cast into + gaol!</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>in tears.</i>) They thought they were + right. They were, doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the + remainder of the row of houses! Can you not consider this a + plea for extenuating circumstances?</p> + + <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>sternly</i>). No. It was my + business, not theirs. It was I who paid for the + dynamite—not they. (<i>Preparing to leave the + Court.</i>) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my + friends!</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>following him to the door</i>). Nay, + stay! See us—we kneel to you. (<i>To audience.</i>) + Kneel, friends, kneel! (<i>Everybody obeys the + direction.</i>) One last appeal! (<i>In a voice broken with + emotion.</i>) We all have Mothers!</p> + + <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>thunder-stricken</i>). You all + have Mothers! I knew not this. I pardon you! [<i>The + audience utter shouts of joy, and the</i> Ex-Prisoner + <i>extends his hands towards them in the attitude of + benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" + id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/219.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/219.png" + alt="HESITATION." /></a> + + <h3>HESITATION.</h3><i>Russian Recruiting Sergeant.</i>. + "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS LAD, TAKE THE + IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN + YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" + id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY + FAMILIAR FRIEND FOR THE R.A. SEASON.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:24%;"> + <a href="images/220-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-1.png" + alt="No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror," /> + </a>No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror, + privately practicing production of glass bowl full of + water from nowhere in particular; a subject not + unnaturally associated with the name of Waterhouse, A. + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:24%;"> + <a href="images/220-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-3.png" + alt="No. 164. Watts the douche is this?" /></a>No. + 164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow shower-bath? + by G.F. Watts, R.A. + </div> + + <p>No. 16. It is called "<i>A Toast.</i> By AGNES E. WALKER." + It should be called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to + represent an eminent tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, + &c., when staying at home, and taking the mixture as + before.</p> + + <p>No. 19. A musical subject, "<i>The Open C.</i>" By HENRY + MOORE, A.</p> + + <p>No. 24. "<i>Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too + much.</i>" Black Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a + row. The person who "calls himself a Gentleman" is seen as a + retiring person in another mirror. ETTORE TITO.</p> + + <p>No. 40. <i>Little Bo Peep after Lunch</i>, supported by a + tree. Early intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come + home, leave tails b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.</p> + + <p>No. 56. <i>Ben Ledi.</i> This is a puzzle picture by Mr. + JAMES ELLIOT. Of course there is in it, somewhere or other, a + portrait of the eminent Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find + him.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/220-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-2.png" + alt="No. 287. 'Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the Iron's hot!'" /> + </a>No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the Iron's + hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a + hit immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes, + A. (and "A. 1," adds <i>Mr. P.</i>), prepare to receive + congratulations! + </div> + + <p>No. 83. "<i>The Coming Sneeze.</i>" Picture of a Lady + evidently saying, "Oh dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. + BENHAM.</p> + + <p>No. 89. "<i>Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN + Point.</i>" JOHN PETTIE, R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a + bald-headed bust, and singing to a maiden, "<i>Get your Hair + Cut!</i>" RALPH PEACOCK.</p> + + <p>No. 97. "<i>Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!</i>" + "Must hide it before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, + R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 102. "<i>Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn + Tennis Player.</i>" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie + Bridge man.</p> + + <p>No. 105. "<i>Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it.</i>" <i>Vide + Sam Weller.</i> "JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/220-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-4.png" + alt="No. 212. 'The Left-out Gauntlet.'" /></a>No. 212. + "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you are, indeed! + Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most + expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if + the confounded cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten + to send my right gauntlet!" John Pettie, R.A. + </div> + + <p>No. 107. "<i>Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing + Dairymaid.</i>" Taken in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him + several inches of canvas, and he'll take a NELL) as she was + about to put a little water out of the stream into the fresh + milk pail.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:53%;"> + <a href="images/220-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-5.png" + alt="No. 173. 'A First Rehearsal.'" /></a>No. 173. "A + First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor, Mr. Gommersal + of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the + Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the + author of the Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The + Battle of Waterloo' was seated finishing the last Act. + 'What do you think of this?' asked Mr. G., + triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the + author, sharply. 'What!' exclaimed the astonished + veteran, 'do you mean to say my make-up for Napoleon + isn't good! Well I'm ——' 'You will be, if + you appear like that,' interrupted the author + decisively,"—Vide <i>Widdicomb's History of the + Battle of Waterloo at Astley's</i>. W.Q. Orchardson, + R.A. + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/220-6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-6.png" + alt="No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment." /></a>No. + 344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of + Illustration. Interval during change of costume. + "Behold these graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker. + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page221" + id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span> + + <p>No. 130. <i>A (Sir Donald) Currie</i>, admirably done in P. + and O. (Paint and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 211. "<i>Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind.</i>"—<i>As + You Like It.</i> But we <i>don't</i> like it—we mean, the + wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and dreary! We suppose that in + order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must have been thoroughly + wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir J.E. MILLAIS, + Bart., R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 228. "<i>The Great Auk's Egg.</i>" "Auk-ward moment: is + it genuine or not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably + been auk'd about before, genuine or not There'll be a <i>great + tauk (!)</i> about it," says H.S. MARKS, R.A.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow + here,</p> + + <p>Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a + sheep."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>Old Song</i>, illustrated by SIDNEY + COOPER, R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 250. "<i>Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early + in the Ear.</i>" "She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to + herself, 'Shall I have many dances this season?' 'You've got a + ball in hand,' whispered small and early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' + she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand is indeed worth a + whisper in the ear.'" <i>From the Greek of Akephalos.</i> W. + ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/221-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-1.png" + alt="No. 204. 'Three Little Maids from School.'" /> + </a>No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A + wealth of colour. The subject is this:—After an + ample school-feast, the girls sat drowsily under an + orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled by the + appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy + Jane," cried Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt + yer, 'ee only comes from the Lowther Harkade." Sir + Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A. + </div> + + <p>No. 272. <i>The Flying Farini Family.</i> Nothing like + bringing 'em up to the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. + MORRIS, A.</p> + + <p>No. 290. "<i>Sittin' and Satin.</i>" IRLAM BRIGGS. + [N.B.—<i>Mr. P.</i> always delighted to welcome the + immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of JOHN LEECH's boys + drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,—hung!]</p> + + <p>No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking + directly at the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the + right man in the right place, <i>i.e., on the line</i>." + Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 311. <i>Popping in on them</i>, in not quite a friendly + way, by Very Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.</p> + + <p>No. 317. "<i>Strong Op-inions.</i>" A Political Picture by a + Liberal Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.</p> + + <p>No. 342. <i>A Person sitting uprightly.</i> By BENTLEY.</p> + + <p>No. 351. "<i>Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!</i>" + By J.T. NETTLESHIP.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/221-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-2.png" + alt="No. 458. 'Peas and War.'" /></a>No. 458. "Peas + and War." Club Committee ordering dinner. See corner + figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The + Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r + remonstrates strongly, "What! not have peas? + Nonsense!" That's how the row began, and they "gave + him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and + managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody; + which the limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A. + </div> + + <p>No. 373. "<i>There is a Flower that bloometh.</i>" The Mayor + of AVON, as he appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL + R. MORRIS, A.</p> + + <p>No. 412. "<i>Hush a bye, Bibby!</i>" Capital picture, speaks + for itself. "I know that man, he comes from—Liverpool." + Brought here by LUKE FILDES, R.A.</p> + + <p>No. 440. "<i>Poppylar Error.</i>" <i>Old Lady</i> + (<i>loq.</i>). "Oh, dear! I've eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up + poppies, and I do feel so—Oh! I feel my colour is + gradually PALIN (W.M.)."</p> + + <p>No. 502. "<i>What, no Soap!</i>" She may appear a trifle + cracky, but no one can say that this picture represents her as + having gone "clean mad." ANNA BILINSKA.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/221-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-3.png" + alt="No. 699. 'Very Like a Whale,'" /></a>No. 699. + "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not caught yet. + C.N. Henry. + </div> + + <p>No. 553. <i>Margate Sands in Ancient Times</i>. Cruel + conduct of an Ancient Warrior towards a young lady who refused + to bathe in the sea. Full of life by E.M. HALE (and + Hearty).</p> + + <p>No. 575. "<i>Poor Thing!</i>" Touching picture of ideal + patient in Æsthetic Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.</p> + + <p>No. 636. "<i>A Clever Examiner drawing him out.</i>" + [N.B.—This ought to have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's + Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/221-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-4.png" + alt="No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a boiled lobster." /> + </a>No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a + boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.—Your eye is sure + to be caught by this Hook. But the picture must be looked + at from our point of view, from the opposite side of the + room.] + </div> + + <p>No. 686. <i>Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq.</i> The + Artist has, of course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but + little here below," but he doesn't get anything at all, being + cut off, so to speak, in his prime about the second + shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken before the + Artist at "Pettie Sessions."</p> + + <p>No. 1041. "<i>Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King + Charles's Martyrdom.</i>" FRED HALL.</p> + + <p>SCULPTURE.—The descriptions in the Guide are too + painful. We prefer not, to give any names, but here are + specimens:—"Mr. So-and-so, <i>to be executed in + bronze</i>"; "The late Thingummy—<i>bust</i>!" These will + suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "<i>All Three going to + Bath</i>" by GEORGE FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means + least, a very good likeness of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY, + R.A., and while we think of it, we'll treat him as a cabman and + "take his number," which it's 1941, done by JOHN ADAMS-ACTON, + and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude our pick of + the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with + <i>one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>ARS LONGA.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of + May,</p> + + <p>That is "<b>A</b>RT," which you start with a + thundering <b>A</b>.</p> + + <p>Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete + way.</p> + + <p>Some think "<small>art</small>" would impart all the + work of to-day.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page222" + id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/222.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/222.png" + alt="THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES." /></a> + + <h3>THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.</h3> + + <p>"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR—AND THOSE ARE HIS + CHILDREN!"</p> + + <p>"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"</p> + + <p>"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE + UGLY ONES THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.</h2> + + <center> + Mr. P.C. BULL, <i>loquitur</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,</p> + + <p class="i2">From lands less free! I grudge you + room</p> + + <p>Among my hosts of honest workers.</p> + + <p class="i2">Had I the settling of your doom,</p> + + <p>Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.</p> + + <p>As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Land of Liberty! Precisely.</p> + + <p class="i2">And curs of that advantage take.</p> + + <p>But, if you want my tip concisely,—</p> + + <p class="i2">We hate the wolf and loathe the + snake:</p> + + <p>And as you seem a blend of both,</p> + + <p>To crush you I'd be little loth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Freedom we love, and, to secure it,</p> + + <p class="i2">Take rough and smooth with constant + mind.</p> + + <p>Espionage? We ill endure it,</p> + + <p class="i2">But Liberty need not be blind.</p> + + <p>Sorrow's asylum is our isle;</p> + + <p>But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To flout that isle foes are not chary,</p> + + <p class="i2">When of its shelter not in need;</p> + + <p>But, when in search of sanctuary,</p> + + <p class="i2">They fly thereto with wondrous speed.</p> + + <p>Asylum? Ay! But learn—in time—</p> + + <p>'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Foes dub me sinister, satanic,</p> + + <p class="i2">A friend of Nihilists and knaves;</p> + + <p>Because I will not let mere panic</p> + + <p class="i2">Rob me of sympathy with slaves,</p> + + <p>And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!</p> + + <p>Their railings will not make me budge.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've taken up my stand for freedom,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll jackal to no autocrat;</p> + + <p>But rogues with hands as red as Edom,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,</p> + + <p>I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.</p> + + <p>I have no sympathy with vermin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Doors open, welcome hospitable</p> + + <p class="i2">For all, unchallenged, is my style;</p> + + <p>But trust not to the fatuous fable</p> + + <p class="i2">That <i>Caliban</i>'s free of my isle</p> + + <p>With prosperous <i>Prospero's</i> free consent.</p> + + <p>Such lies mad autocrats invent.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such for some centuries they've been telling,</p> + + <p class="i2">Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush</p> + + <p>Upon the threshold of my dwelling,</p> + + <p class="i2">But shall not join a purblind rush</p> + + <p>Of panic-stricken fools to play</p> + + <p>The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who, frightened now by those you'd + fright,</p> + + <p>Would fain slink off among the shadows,</p> + + <p class="i2">To plot out further deeds of night,</p> + + <p>Our isle's immunity you boast!—</p> + + <p>You're reckoning without your host.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries</p> + + <p class="i2">I think you'll find it hard to scare;</p> + + <p><i>We</i> worship no Anarchic furies,</p> + + <p class="i2">For menace are not wont to care,</p> + + <p>Here red-caught Crime in vain advances</p> + + <p>"Extenuating Circumstances!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Couplet by a Cynic.</h3> + + <center> + (<i>After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture + Show.</i>) + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks</p> + + <p>Whilst it gives Private Views—of Pretty + Frocks!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE WORLD ON WHEELS.</h3> + + <p>MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world + on a bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new + social force." Possibly. But certain writers to the + <i>Times</i> on "The Tyranny of the Road," seem to prove that + it is also a new <i>anti</i>-social force, when it frightens + horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb, we may + say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"—well, all over + the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain. + Whilst welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not + allow the "new social force" to develop into a new social + despotism. To put it pointedly:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We welcome these new steeds of steel,</p> + + <p class="i2">(In spite of whistles and of + "squealers,")</p> + + <p>But cannot have the common weal</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Too</i> much disturbed by common + "Wheelers"!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.—After the Presidential + orations, the success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's + speech. His audience were delighted at being thus "butchered to + make" an artistic "holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed + his regret that "the House of Commons did not possess a Hanging + Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we now and again hear of a Member + being "suspended" for some considerable time? On such + occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There was + one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged + with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to + himself, as, meditating many things, he stood by the + much-sounding soda-water, "Odd! a lot of speeches; and + yet,—<i>not a word about Orme!</i>"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page223" + id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/223.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/223.png" + alt="RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST." /></a> + + <h3>RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.</h3> + + <p>FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!—VE SHALL NOT BE + INTERRUPT IN ZIS FREE ENGLAND!"</p> + + <p>BULL A1 (<i>sotto voce</i>). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO! + YOU'LL FIND NO <i>EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES</i> HERE!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page225" + id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span> + + <h2>THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.</h2> + + <h4><i>By Mrs. Payley.</i></h4> + + <h3>III.—THE CHOICE OF A POSE.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/225.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/225.png" + alt="Young girl, posing." /></a> + </div> + + <p>All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression + which they wish to create. The natural girl is always either + impolite or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl + who appears artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural, + and to appear natural, is the end at which the young girl + should aim. Much, then, will depend on the choice of a pose. It + should be suitable; there should be something in your + appearance and abilities to support the illusion. I once knew a + fat girl, with red hair (the <i>wrong</i> red), & good + appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the + romantic pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was + quite unable to look the part. If she had done the Capital + Housekeeper, or the Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have + married a middle-aged Rector. She threw away her chances by + choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same time the reasons for + your choice should never be obvious. There was another case, + which amused me slightly—a dark girl, with fine eyes. She + was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some + accident in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to + walk with a stick, and her back was bent. She posed as a + man-hater. The part suited her well enough, for she had rather + a pretty wit. "But," I said to her, "it is too plainly a case + of the fox and the grapes; you hate men because you are a + cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She did not take + this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she has + never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite + true. She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with + love; if you ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as + well get a wooden heart at the same time. But her pose was too + obvious—ridiculously obvious. She would have done better + with something in the way of a religious + enthusiasm—something very mystical. It would have been + impressive.</p> + + <p>In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards + supporting her pose; but she must have the intuitions and + perceptions of an artist.</p> + + <p>The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl + in London is not naturally child-like. There should be a + suggestion of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be + simple, loose and sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon + round its neck; say that you like chocolate-creams; open your + eyes very wide, and suck the tip of one finger occasionally. + Let your manner generally vary between the pensive and the + mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially of things + which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt + this pose unless your figure is <i>mignon</i> and your + complexion pink. Do not be <i>too</i> realistic; never be + sticky or dirty—men do not care for it.</p> + + <p>A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is + that of "the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly + the result of liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul. + The dress should be sombre, trailing, and rather distraught: + there is a way of arranging a <i>fichu</i> which of itself + suggests that the heart beneath it is blighted. If you happen + to possess a few ornaments which are not too expensive, + distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a repressed + voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let it be + known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to + spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one + flower; occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you + hear music. The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower + middle-classes, but wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir, + which either never opens or never comes off. Smile sometimes, + of course; but be careful to smile unnaturally. On all festive + occasions divide your time between your bedroom and the + churchyard.</p> + + <p>Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you + have no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of + the philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid + will be your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate + in the homes of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and, + on returning, to disseminate in the homes of the rich some of + the diseases of the poor. Everything about you must be flat; + your hats, hair and heels must be flat; your denials must be + particularly flat. Always take your meals in your jacket and a + hurry, never with the rest of your family; never have time to + eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.</p> + + <p>I cannot understand why any girl should object to the + assumption of a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that + she preferred to be what she seemed to be. She was an + exceptional case; I disbelieved in her protestations that she + was perfectly natural, and managed to get some opportunities + for observation when she did not know that she was observed. I + must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to get + married—suburban happiness and no position—but, as + I said, she was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I + should never have been married if I had seemed to be what I + really was. I cannot understand this desire to be + natural—it <i>is</i> so affected.</p> + + <p>My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In + spite of my disclaimer last week, I have been asked several + questions which are not connected with Sentiment and Propriety. + "BELLADONNA" asks my advice on rather a delicate case; she is + almost engaged to a man, A., and her greatest friend is a girl, + B. Happening, the other day, to open B.'s Diary by mistake for + her own, she discovered that B. is also very much in love with + A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think the most honourable + course would be to report in her own Diary a statement by A. + that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B. might + mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she + cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has + read "BELLADONNA's" Diary.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.</h2> + + <center> + SCENE I.—<i>At the Haymarket.—Darkness visible. + Out of it come Voices.</i> + </center> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>probably on stage</i>). "<i>Who's + there?</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Second V.</i> (<i>probably in auditorium</i>). I + can't see. Is it TREE?</p> + + <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Nay, answer me: stand and unfold + yourself.</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Fourth V.</i> I wish I could unfold the seat to let + people pass.</p> + + <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>You come most carefully upon your + hour.</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Fourth V.</i> Why on earth can't people be more + punctual?</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> "<i>'Tis now struck twelve.</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Fourth V.</i> About a dozen people have hit my head + scrambling past in the dark.</p> + + <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>For this relief much + thanks.</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Fourth V.</i> They seem to have got in at last.</p> + + <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>'Tis bitter cold.</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Fifth V.</i> Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send + away the ghost, and turn up the lights.</p> + + <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Not a mouse stirring.</i>" + [<i>Crash.</i></p> + + <p><i>Sixth V.</i> There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a + job to find it.</p> + + <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Stand, ho!</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Seventh V.</i> Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware + that you're standing on my foot?</p> + + <p><i>Third V.</i> "BERNARDO <i>has my place.</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Sixth V.</i> Here's someone taken my seat!</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> "<i>What, is</i> HORATIO + <i>there?</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Eighth V.</i> Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't + see you—but now the light's a bit + up—(<i>&c., &c.</i>).</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A CRITERION OF MORALS.—Astutely doing "The Puff + Preliminary" in a letter to the papers before the production of + <i>The Fringe of Society</i> (<i>i.e.</i>, <i>Le Demi-monde</i> + freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes that "there is no + such class, in any recognisable degree, as the + <i>demi-monde</i> in England." "Recognisable" is good, very + good, it saves the situation, as of course the + <i>demi-monde</i> is <i>not</i>, on any account, to be + recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of + the world which never knows what the other half is doing. If + <i>The Fringe</i>, as it at first went in to the Licenser, had + to be trimmed, CHARLES our Friend might have announced his + latest version as re-"adapted from the <i>Fringe</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"—ORME. [No others + count.]</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page226" + id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.</h2> + + <h3>BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.</h3> + + <h4>A STORY OF <i>THE</i> SEX.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>By</i> THOMAS OF WESSEX, <i>Author of "Guess how a + Murder feels," "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a + Shoe," "One in a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her," + "The Flight of the Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd," + "A Lay o' Deceivers," &c.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this + book, "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life + in modern Wessex. It is well known, of course, that + although I often write agricultural novels, I invariably + call a spade a spade, and not an agricultural implement. + Thus I am led to speak in plain language of women, their + misdoings, and their undoings. Unstrained dialect is a + speciality. If you want to know the extent of Wessex, + consult histories of the Heptarchy with maps."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from + the point where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards + Icenhurst on its way to Wintoncester, having on one side the + hamlet of Batton, on the other the larger town of Casterbridge, + stands the farmhouse wherewith in this narrative we have to + deal. There for generations had dwelt the rustic family of the + PEEPS, handing down from father to son a well-stocked cow-shed + and a tradition of rural virtues which yet excluded not an + overgreat affection on the male side for the home-brewed ale + and the homemade language in which, as is known, the Wessex + peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose + thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though + ashamed of bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a + degree of temperature not far removed from the zero-mark of the + local Fahrenheit. Within, a fire of good Wessex logs crackled + cheerily upon the hearth. Old ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of + the fireplace, his figure yet telling a tale of former vigour. + On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless, neutral, + slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may find + with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair + between them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an + absent inmate. A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an + ancient clock that had ticked away the mortality of many a past + and gone PEEP.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/226.png" + alt="Bonduca Peep." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his + chair so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view. + "Like enough she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird + of a feller, TOM TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle + round the hills. My soul, but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor + slammick of a chap."</p> + + <p>Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like + other realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle + of infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet + contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it + must be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have + stood as pressing concretions which chafe body and soul—a + most disagreeable state of things, peculiar to the miserably + passive existence of a Wessex peasant woman.</p> + + <p>"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak + irrelevance. "She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men + have bin after her—fourteen of 'em, all the best lads + round about, some of 'em wi' bags and bags of gold to their + names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be their lawful wedded + wife."</p> + + <p>ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard + lines of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist + down upon his knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the + richest, and let him carry BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks + wear badly, and good characters be of no account; but the + gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued, meditatively, "the + old house could be new thatched, and you and me live like Lords + and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in silks and + satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles to + our feet."</p> + + <p>POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and + thoroughly understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of + the Wessex peasant.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP—little BO PEEP was the name by + which the country-folk all knew her—sat dreaming upon the + hill-side, looking out with a premature woman's eyes upon the + rich valley that stretched away to the horizon. The rest of the + landscape was made up of agricultural scenes and incidents + which the slightest knowledge of Wessex novels can fill in + amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of dairymen, maidens + to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the rich + pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect, + and gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as + far as the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that + Bo had that morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a + flexuous and finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a + vanished knight and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust + now mouldered in many churchyards. There was about her an + amplitude of curve which, joined to a certain luxuriance of + moulding, betrayed her sex even to a careless observer. And + when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic utterance in a + monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of startling + her relations into temporary propriety.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an + amiable tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle + behind her caused her to turn her head, and she saw a strange + procession advancing over the parched fields where—[Two + pages of field-scenery omitted.—ED.] One by one they + toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply defined + against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and + full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled + on some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its + stamp. But what most distinguished these remarkable + processionists in the clear noon of this winter day was that + each one carried in her arms an infant. And each one, as she + reached the place where the enthralled BONDUCA sat obliviscent + of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid the baby down. + First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an interval + by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To them + succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and + Squire PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX, + the Honourable LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY, + brought up the rear.</p> + + <p>BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young + life to be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm + after all, and the audition of these squalling nurslings vexed + her. What could the matter mean? No answer was given to these + questionings. A man's figure, vast and terrible, appeared on + the hill's brow, with a cruel look of triumph on his wicked + face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered; the noble dames + fled shrieking down the valley.</p> + + <p>"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in + the spectrum of your young life."</p> + + <p>"Say those words quickly," she retorted.</p> + + <p>"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray, + Broo-re-ray, Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA + and his own imperfect tongue-power, "you are fooling me. + Beware!"</p> + + <p>"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she + bowed herself submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall + therefore marry you. Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon + her.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4> + + <p>Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy + tail-bearers to come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She + did but humble herself before the manifestation of a Wessex + necessity.</p> + + <p>And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether + rolled her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained + highways of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with + the tragic completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, + steam-fed, irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in + it, and rustics danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were + "blasted," like poor BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the + calm nonchalance of a Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched + into a world of reviews, where the multitude of readers is not + as to their external displacements, but as to their subjective + experiences.</p> + + <p class="author">[THE END.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page227" + id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span> + + <h2>THE NEW GALLERY.</h2> + + <p>This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all + shapes and sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the + young Ladies:—</p> + + <p>No. 13. "<i>White Roses.</i>" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns + here, evidently, judging by the young woman's look of anguish. + And this is the moral POYNTER points.</p> + + <p>No. 66. "<i>A War Cloud.</i>" A Music-HALLÉ singing "<i>Rule + Britannia!</i>" with proper dressings.</p> + + <p>No. 18. "<i>Paderewski.</i>" Surely it ought to be PATTY + REWSKY, with "Miss" before the name. <i>Moral</i>, "Get your + hair cut!"</p> + + <p>No. 284. "<i>Nightfall in the Dauphinée.</i>" "<i>Might</i> + fall," it ought to be, and no wonder if she walked about on so + dark a night with such a load in her arms!</p> + + <p>No. 165. "<i>Che sara sara.</i>" A pedestrian match in the + Metropolis. In fact, <i>Walker, London</i>. A portrait of + <i>Sarah</i>, after she has been let down into the punt, the + shock having dislocated her shoulder. She might have kept + <i>Col. Neal's</i> clothes round her neck to hide her back.</p> + + <p>No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND + KHNPFF. Our Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that + he went out to get assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to + pronounce the painter's name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now + in a precarious state. Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant + Critic, Deputy Assistant Sub-Critic, and a few extra + Supernumerary Critics, then went in a body and looked at this + young woman's head, apparently taken after an interview with + Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all sides, and + finally stood on their own, but they could not make head or + tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning, + and paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this + journal.</p> + + <p>There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young + Ladies, but those mentioned above are the most remarkable in + the New Girlery.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Any Man to Any Woman.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O woman, in our hours of ease,</p> + + <p>We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"</p> + + <p>But when there's prospect of a row,</p> + + <p><i>You're</i> best out of it anyhow.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/227-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/227-1.png" + alt="'OH, THAT TUNE!'" /></a> + + <h3>"OH, THAT TUNE!"</h3><i>A Sketch of an Unintentional + and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie Collins.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE TWO ARCHERS.—In the <i>P.M.G.</i> of Saturday + last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in a signed article, criticises a book on + "<i>How to Write a Good Play</i>, by FRANK ARCHER." In + expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes + Frank—unpleasantly Frank.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Riddle.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While Publishers their fortunes make</p> + + <p class="i2">And wax exceeding fat,</p> + + <p>The Author still is like a rake.</p> + + <p class="i2">Now, pray account for that.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/227-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/227-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers</p> + + <p class="i2">Out of this room, where we think more of + ham</p> + + <p>Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than + HERKOMERS,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON + with lamb,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and + celery,</p> + + <p class="i2">And not of the drawings at which we + should look;</p> + + <p>Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,</p> + + <p class="i2">But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of + "Cook."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 25.</i>—Session + resumed to-day after Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says, + Session comes but Members linger. Not forty present when + business commenced. "May as well go on." said the SPEAKER, whom + everybody glad to see looking brisk and hearty after his + holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."</p> + + <p>So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or + enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got + to business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to + be measure involving closest interests of the great empire that + CLIVE helped to make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after. + Appearance of House suggestive rather of some local question + affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney Marsh. Below Gangway, on + Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present. Member for Oldham a + sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space. Above Gangway + RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE CURZON had + Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing how + cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite + staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his + looks, sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought. + Pretty to see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made + graceful allusion to his genius and statesmanlike conduct of + affairs. "Approbation from Sir HUBERT STANLEY," as he later + observed, "is praise indeed."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/227-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/227-3.png" + alt="'So-and-So.'" /></a>"So-and-So." + </div> + + <p>Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above + Gangway opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's + vacant place as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party + brimful of energy, enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopædic + knowledge—MORTON, SEYMOUR KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS + 'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE OF CAMBORNE, who + has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows all about + India.</p> + + <p>Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN + whilst he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS + PELLY, who really knew something about India, and therefore + would probably not have spoken had he been here to-night. A + kindly, courteous, upright, valiant gentleman, who took a + little too seriously the joke House had with him about the + Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous speech on the + question, with its graphic description of forced marches "from + So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to + So-forth."</p> + + <p>PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he, + too, has made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on + into the unmapped So-forth.</p> + + <p>MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page228" + id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span> desolate House. Only one + other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several + speeches dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me + will bear me out when I say—" Instant commotion below + Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over + PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against MORTON. All animated by + desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth. He breathlessly + explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and, they + reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter + end.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Practically none.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Amid the pomps and vanities of a + wicked world there is something refreshing and reassuring in + spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE going about his daily + business. One would describe him as childlike and bland, only + for recollection that combination of harmless endearing epithet + has been applied in another connection and might be + misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that so + accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to + pose Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution. + Wanted to know whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between + months of September and December in present year, a Bill would + be brought in to accelerate Registration? Terms of question + being set forth on printed paper, not necessary for the SAGE to + recite them. For this he seemed grateful. It relieved him from + the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR by a reference + to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt at being + asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his + seat—so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not + impose his full height on the eyesight of the + Minister—"begged to ask the FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY + Question No. 8."</p> + + <p>Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he + looked at the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the + question addressed to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually + wanting to know something about the date of the Dissolution, + and what would follow in certain contingencies. As a + philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the vagaries of + the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his large + leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of + doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number, + indulging in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the + contingency referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they + had not even contemplated taking any steps to meet it.</p> + + <p>Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose, + the Government would act in the manner he had suggested?</p> + + <p>No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in + full view of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw + that deduction from what he had said.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/228-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/228-1.png" + alt="Cap'n Birkbeck." /></a>Cap'n Birkbeck. + </div> + + <p>The House, having listened intently to this artless + conversation, proceeded to business of the day, which happily + included the adoption of a Resolution engaging the Government + to connect with the mainland, by telephone or telegraph, the + lighthouses and lightships that twinkle round our stormy + coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved this Resolution, + seconded from other side in admirable speech by + MARJORIBANKS.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Excellent.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Much surprised, strolling down to + House this afternoon, to find place in sort of state of siege. + Policemen, policemen everywhere, and, as one sadly observed, + "not a drop to drink." Haven't seen anything like it since + KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops from his mane as he walked + through Palace Yard, passing through enthusiastic crowd into + House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts in Old + Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old + GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table, + scene was somewhat similar.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our + able and indefatigable Superintendent striding about the + Corridor, as NAPOLEON visited the outposts on the eve of + Austerlitz.</p> + + <p>"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of + them at St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman + driven off at point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up; + party of the name of BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on + the flat of his back."</p> + + <p>"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for + oratorical effort. But you seem to have got new men at the + various posts?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice + to whisper; "we've picked em out. Gone through the Force; + mustered all the bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion + of argument on Woman's Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night, + floor nearly ankle-deep in loose hair. They don't get much off + <i>my</i> men," said HORSLEY, proudly.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/228-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/228-2.png" + alt="'So young and so iniquitous!'" /></a>"So young + and so iniquitous!" + </div> + + <p>Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably + they had something to do with the almost disappointing result. + Everything passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate + had been India, or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million + or two. Ladies locked up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with + lime-lights playing on placards hung on walls enforcing + "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH should come on + early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had marvellously + sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later, ASQUITH + demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars, + that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a + shrill whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR, + dexterously intervening, soothed the angry breast by his + chivalrous advocacy of Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat + there floated over the charmed House, coming "So young and so + as it were from heavenly spheres above the iniquitous!" + SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a man!"</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected + by 175 Votes against 152.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night.</i>—Little sparring match between + Front Benches. Mr. G. and all his merry men anxious, above all + things, to know when Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD + starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR interested, but ignorant. Can't + understand why people should always be talking about + Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a sufficient + majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the month + of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence + in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there + will be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme. + Let him contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and + not trouble his head about indefinite details like + Dissolutions.</p> + + <p>This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he + became Leader.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—None.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>SEASONABLE WEATHER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,</p> + + <p class="i2">The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for + tea.</p> + + <p>It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;</p> + + <p class="i2">Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and + me.</p> + + <p>With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent + leather),</p> + + <p class="i2">My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my + hair,</p> + + <p>Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the + weather,</p> + + <p class="i2">I am safe—the barometer points to + "Set Fair."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I'm off—why, what's that? Yes, by Jove, + there's a sputter</p> + + <p class="i2">Of rain on the pavement!—the + sunshine retires;</p> + + <p>And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to + utter</p> + + <p class="i2">The thoughts that this changeable weather + inspires.</p> + + <p>Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and + disgusted;</p> + + <p class="i2">In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt + it again;</p> + + <p>And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted</p> + + <p class="i2">The barometer's index, which now points + to "Rain."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and + "bowler,"—</p> + + <p class="i2">My STELLA thinks more of a man than his + dress.</p> + + <p>I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console + her.</p> + + <p class="i2">Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll + love me no less.</p> + + <p>Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy + them—</p> + + <p class="i2">Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing + away!</p> + + <p>The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry + them.</p> + + <p class="i2">Well, there, I give up, and retire for + the day!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14601-h/images/217.png b/14601-h/images/217.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f4a17c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/217.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/218.png b/14601-h/images/218.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2dda40e --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/218.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/219.png b/14601-h/images/219.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3aee202 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/219.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/220-1.png b/14601-h/images/220-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..11007c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/220-1.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/220-2.png b/14601-h/images/220-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c54788 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/220-2.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/220-3.png b/14601-h/images/220-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..42d83bf --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/220-3.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/220-4.png b/14601-h/images/220-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..582d13e --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/220-4.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/220-5.png b/14601-h/images/220-5.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..85fbb64 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/220-5.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/220-6.png b/14601-h/images/220-6.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..946d251 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/220-6.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/221-1.png b/14601-h/images/221-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..925d20f --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/221-1.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/221-2.png b/14601-h/images/221-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e83408e --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/221-2.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/221-3.png b/14601-h/images/221-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba5548b --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/221-3.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/221-4.png b/14601-h/images/221-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..29b610d --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/221-4.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/222.png b/14601-h/images/222.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45c2cbd --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/222.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/223.png b/14601-h/images/223.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1eaa04 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/223.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/225.png b/14601-h/images/225.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4ee704f --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/225.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/226.png b/14601-h/images/226.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6afa24b --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/226.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/227-1.png b/14601-h/images/227-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f0c40c --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/227-1.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/227-2.png b/14601-h/images/227-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b82723e --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/227-2.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/227-3.png b/14601-h/images/227-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5cdab8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/227-3.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/228-1.png b/14601-h/images/228-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5002944 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/228-1.png diff --git a/14601-h/images/228-2.png b/14601-h/images/228-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ae4aad7 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-h/images/228-2.png |
