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diff --git a/14601-0.txt b/14601-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9a1016 --- /dev/null +++ b/14601-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1436 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14601-h.htm or 14601-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h/14601-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +MAY 7, 1892 + + + + + + + +'ARRY ON WHEELS. + +[Illustration: Our 'Arry Laureate.] + + DEAR CHARLIE,--Spring's on us at last, and a proper old April + we've 'ad, + Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made 'oliday makers + feel mad. + Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems somehow to take a + delight + In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was out of sheer + spite. + + When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in orfice or + fact'ry, or shop, + The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller feels fair on the + 'op; + But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings all round is + in train, + It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster of rain. + + It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go as crooked as Z. + Feelosophers _may_ think it out, 'ARRY ain't got the 'eart, or the + 'ead; + But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's fust laws, and + no kid. + If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good 'ealth and + _no_ quid! + + 'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good outing--on wheels; + For I've took to the bicycle, yus,--and can show a good many my + 'eels. + You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a smooth bit of + straight road, + And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of wheeling, I'm + blowed. + + Larks fust and larks larst is _my_ motter. Old RICHARDSON's rumbo + is rot. + Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts to a sanit'ry + pot; + But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty scenery, and + that, + As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly is not sech a + flat. + + Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for good 'ealth, + I've no doubt + That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is mere turning + about, + Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, wheeling _as_ + wheeling's 'ard work, + And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I always did + shirk. + + _I_ ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with a chest 'ollered + out, and a 'ump, + Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or go slap off + their chump. + You don't ketch _me_ straining my 'eart till it cracks for a big + silver mug. + No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel cosy and snug. + + Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up to champion form. + And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the Wheel-World + by storm, + Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' to lace up 'is + boot. + Let them go for _that_ game as are mind to, here's one as it + certn'y won't soot. + + But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd 'ardly + emagine 'ow much, + If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and skyfoozled some + dawdling old Dutch. + Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly the doddering + old sort + As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! that makes + a'rf the sport! + + 'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled tremenjus at fust, + Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a thundering + thust; + I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling about on the loose, + As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and about as much + use. + + Now I _don't_ like to look like a juggins, it's wot I carn't + stand, s'elp my bob; + But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, when I'm fair + on the job. + So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of grass and tall + trees, + Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer 'twas "go as + yer please." + + They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as Solsberry Plain, + Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when it's welting with + rain; + Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and studyus old stodges + live there, + And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; but wot did _I_ + care. + + When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked 'em a smart bit + o' lip, + With a big D or two--for the ladies--and wosn't they soon on the + skip! + 'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I could fair + feel my feet; + If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure it'll do you a + treat. + + I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties don't run yer + much risk, + And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle along pooty brisk; + And _then_ came the barney, my bloater! I jined 'arf a dozen prime + pals, + And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, and espessh'lly + the gals. + + No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, sportsman + form, and sech muck. + I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and trust to + pot-luck. + A rush twelve-a-breast _is_ a gammock, twelve squeakers a going + like one; + But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer sperrits, and + spile all the fun. + + The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, mugs will keep + spouting it still; + But wot _is_ it to me and my mates, treadles loose, and a-chargin' + down 'ill? + Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, our 'owls, + women's shrieks, and men's swears! + Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a busting + down-stairs. + + Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming girl's school on + the trot, + May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't _my_ form by a + lot. + Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the old buffers as + prowl + Along green country roads at their ease, till they're scared by my + squeak, or my 'owl? + + My "alarm" _is_ a caution I tell yer; it sounds like some shrill + old macaw, + Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives yer a twist in + the jaw, + And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till I shake in my + socks + When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump like a + Jack-in-the-box. + + I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray likewise, dear boy. + 'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that chorus,--a boon + and a joy! + Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables jest makes me + bust; + When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus than the row + and the dust! + + We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our spins out of town; + Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we just ladle it + down? + And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder well over the + wheel, + And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer I make the + thing squeal. + + My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well back on my 'ed, + And my spine fairly _'umped_ to it, CHARLIE, and then carn't I + paint the town red? + They call me "The Camel" for that, _and_ my stomach-capas'ty for + "wet." + Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the liquor,--you + bet! + + There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long squeals to the + _Times_ about hus. + They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! it's all + fidgets and fuss. + I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got no heye for a + lark. + _I_ know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and squirm if we makes + a remark. + + If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em the haffable + nod; + Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being scowled at, it's + hodd. + Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although they may look a + mite shy; + It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or fie-fie. + + We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of hus--BUGGINS and + me, + MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and TOFF JONES, and + MICK SHEE; + All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along comes a gurl on + a 'orse. + Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and gave 'er a + rouser, in course. + + 'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked so remarkable + rum, + That we _couldn't_ 'elp doing a larf, though the gurl wos + pertikler yum-yum; + We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a swell, and he + swore, + And--would you believe it, old pal?--went for BUGGINS, and give + 'im wot for!!! + + Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, surely, about sech + a hact! + Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere crackpots as + ain't got no tact. + We all did a guy like greased lightning; you _can_ when you're + once on your wheel-- + Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls can do nothink + but squeal. + + That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's beastly to + think a fine sport + And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be kiboshed by mugs of + that sort. + All boko! dear boy, those _Times_ letters! I mean the new barney + to carry, + As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their meddlesome mawleys orf + +'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE. + +Lady Clara Robinson (née Vere de Vere). "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS +MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?" + +Conductor. "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY DECAYED ARISTOCRACY +TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS UP THEIR MANNERS!"] + + * * * * * + +SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN. + +(AFTER A CELEBRATED MODEL.) + +COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892. + + ["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write + sonnets on the South-Eastern."--Mr. Barry Pain, "In the + Smoking-Room."] + + Earth has not anything to show less fair: + Patient were he of soul who could pass by + A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry + Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear, + Without one single, solitary swear. + The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie, + The prompt "next platform" (which is all my eye), + The choky waiting-room, the smoky air; + Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep, + Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one ill; + The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep! + The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will. + Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep, + That the long humbugged Public stands it still? + + * * * * * + +REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.--A good combination of names is to be found in +an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly, +on the evening of May 11, to be given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr. +A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made +Concert." If REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give +credit? _Solvitur ambulando_--that is, Walk in, and you'll find out. +It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, "Master G.," who +is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, as his REDDIE-witted +companion playfully observes, "The youthful pianist will out-Erard +ERARD." + + * * * * * + +"CALL YOU THIS BACKING YOUR FRIENDS?" + +(BY A CONFUSED CONSERVATIVE.) + + To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough rage, + Conservatism is as shield and fetter meant; + And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage; + And RITCHIE tells us he approves of "Betterment"! + O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS, + Is _this_ to be the end of all our dreams? + + * * * * * + +LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO. + + SCENE--Interior of a Foreign Law Court. Numerous officials in + attendance performing their various duties in an apprehensive + sort of way. Audience small but determined. + +_Judge_ (_nervously_). Now are we really protected from disturbance? + +_General in Command of Troops._ I think so. The Court House is +surrounded by an Army Corps, and the Engineers find that the place has +not been undermined to at least a distance of a thousand feet. + +_Judge_ (_somewhat reassured_). Well, now I think we may proceed with +the trial. Admit the accused. + + [_The Prisoner is bowed into the dock, and accommodated with + a comfortably cushioned arm-chair._ + +_Prisoner._ Good morning. (_To Judge._) You can resume your hat. + +_Judge_ (_bowing to the Prisoner_). Accused, I am deeply honoured +by your courtesy. I trust you have been comfortable in the State +apartments that have been recently supplied to you. + +_Prisoner_ (_firmly_). State apartment! Why it was a prison! You know +it, _M. le Juge_, and you, Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses. +(_The entire audience shudder apprehensively._) And, what is more, my +friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and thrown into +prison. Yes, they know that, and will act accordingly. + +_Judge_ (_tearfully_). I am sure none of us wished to offend you! + +_Members of the Bar_ (_in a breath_). Certainly not! + +_Prisoner._ Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose you don't want +any evidence. You have heard what I have said. You know that I regret +having caused inconvenience to my innocent victims. They would forgive +me for my innocent intentions. I only wished to save everybody by +blowing everybody up. + +_The Court generally._ Yes, yes! + +_Prisoner._ Well, I have just done. And now what say the Jury? Where +are they? + +_Foreman of the Jury_ (_white with fear_). I am, Sir,--very pleased to +see you, Sir,--hope you are well, Sir? + +_Prisoner_ (_condescendingly_). Tol lol. And now what do you say? am I +Guilty or Not Guilty? + +_Foreman of the Jury._ Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We will talk it over, +Sir--if you don't mind, Sir. + +_Prisoner._ I need not tell you that my friends outside take the +greatest possible interest in your proceedings. + +_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Why, yes, Sir! The fact is we have all had +anonymous letters daily, saying that we shall be blown out of house +and home if we harm you. + +_Prisoner_ (_laughing_). Oh, be under no apprehension. It is merely +the circular of my friends. Only a compilation of hints for the +guidance of the Gentlemen of the Jury. + +_Foreman._ Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that spirit. + +_Prisoner._ You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have surely had time to +make up your minds. Do you find me Guilty or Not Guilty? + +_Foreman_ (_earnestly_). Why, Not Guilty, to be sure. + +_Judge._ Release the accused! Sir, you have my congratulations. Pray +accept my distinguished consideration. + +_Prisoner_ (_coldly_). You are very good. And now adieu, and off to +breakfast with what appetite ye may! + +_The Entire Court_ (_falling on their knees, and raising their hands +in supplication_). Mercy, Sir! For pity's sake, mercy! + +_Ex-Prisoner_ (_fiercely_). Mercy! What, after I have been arrested! +Mercy! after I have been cast into gaol! + +_Judge_ (_in tears._) They thought they were right. They were, +doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the remainder of the row +of houses! Can you not consider this a plea for extenuating +circumstances? + +_Ex-Prisoner_ (_sternly_). No. It was my business, not theirs. It +was I who paid for the dynamite--not they. (_Preparing to leave the +Court._) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my friends! + +_Judge_ (_following him to the door_). Nay, stay! See us--we kneel +to you. (_To audience._) Kneel, friends, kneel! (_Everybody obeys the +direction._) One last appeal! (_In a voice broken with emotion._) We +all have Mothers! + +_Ex-Prisoner_ (_thunder-stricken_). You all have Mothers! I knew +not this. I pardon you! [_The audience utter shouts of joy, and +the Ex-Prisoner extends his hands towards them in the attitude of +benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HESITATION. + +Russian Recruiting Sergeant.. "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS +LAD, TAKE THE IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN +YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY FAMILIAR FRIEND +FOR THE R.A. SEASON. + +[Illustration: No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror, privately +practicing production of glass bowl full of water from nowhere in +particular; a subject not unnaturally associated with the name of +Waterhouse, A.] + +[Illustration: No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the +Iron's hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a hit +immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes, A. (and "A. 1," +adds _Mr. P._), prepare to receive congratulations!] + +[Illustration: No. 164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow +shower-bath? by G.F. Watts, R.A.] + +No. 16. It is called "_A Toast._ By AGNES E. WALKER." It should be +called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to represent an eminent +tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, &c., when staying at home, and +taking the mixture as before. + +No. 19. A musical subject, "_The Open C._" By HENRY MOORE, A. + +No. 24. "_Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too much._" Black +Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a row. The person who "calls +himself a Gentleman" is seen as a retiring person in another mirror. +ETTORE TITO. + +No. 40. _Little Bo Peep after Lunch_, supported by a tree. Early +intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come home, leave tails +b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA. + +No. 56. _Ben Ledi._ This is a puzzle picture by Mr. JAMES ELLIOT. Of +course there is in it, somewhere or other, a portrait of the eminent +Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find him. + +No. 83. "_The Coming Sneeze._" Picture of a Lady evidently saying, "Oh +dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. BENHAM. + +No. 89. "_Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN Point._" +JOHN PETTIE, R.A. + +No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a bald-headed +bust, and singing to a maiden, "_Get your Hair Cut!_" RALPH PEACOCK. + +No. 97. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!_" "Must hide it +before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, R.A. + +No. 102. "_Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn Tennis +Player._" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie Bridge man. + +No. 105. "_Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it._" _Vide Sam Weller._ +"JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!" + +No. 107. "_Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing Dairymaid._" Taken +in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him several inches of canvas, and +he'll take a NELL) as she was about to put a little water out of the +stream into the fresh milk pail. + +[Illustration: No. 212. "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you +are, indeed! Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most +expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if the confounded +cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten to send my right gauntlet!" John +Pettie, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 173. "A First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor, +Mr. Gommersal of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the +Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the author of the +Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The Battle of Waterloo' was +seated finishing the last Act. 'What do you think of this?' asked Mr. +G., triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the author, sharply. +'What!' exclaimed the astonished veteran, 'do you mean to say my +make-up for Napoleon isn't good! Well I'm ----' 'You will be, if +you appear like that,' interrupted the author decisively,"--Vide +_Widdicomb's History of the Battle of Waterloo at Astley's_. W.Q. +Orchardson, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of +Illustration. Interval during change of costume. "Behold these +graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.] + +No. 130. _A (Sir Donald) Currie_, admirably done in P. and O. (Paint +and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A. + +[Illustration: No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A wealth of +colour. The subject is this:--After an ample school-feast, the girls +sat drowsily under an orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled +by the appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy Jane," cried +Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt yer, 'ee only comes from the +Lowther Harkade." Sir Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.] + +No. 211. "_Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind._"--_As You Like It._ But we +_don't_ like it--we mean, the wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and +dreary! We suppose that in order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must +have been thoroughly wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir +J.E. MILLAIS, Bart., R.A. + +No. 228. "_The Great Auk's Egg._" "Auk-ward moment: is it genuine or +not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably been auk'd about +before, genuine or not There'll be a _great tauk (!)_ about it," says +H.S. MARKS, R.A. + + No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow here, + Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a sheep." + +_Old Song_, illustrated by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A. + +[Illustration: No. 458. "Peas and War." Club Committee ordering +dinner. See corner figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The +Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r remonstrates +strongly, "What! not have peas? Nonsense!" That's how the row began, +and they "gave him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and +managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody; which the +limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.] + +No. 250. "_Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early in the Ear._" +"She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to herself, 'Shall I have many +dances this season?' 'You've got a ball in hand,' whispered small and +early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand +is indeed worth a whisper in the ear.'" _From the Greek of Akephalos._ +W. ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU. + +No. 272. _The Flying Farini Family._ Nothing like bringing 'em up to +the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. MORRIS, A. + +No. 290. "_Sittin' and Satin._" IRLAM BRIGGS. [N.B.--_Mr. P._ always +delighted to welcome the immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of +JOHN LEECH's boys drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,--hung!] + +No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking directly at +the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the right man in the right +place, _i.e., on the line_." Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A. + +No. 311. _Popping in on them_, in not quite a friendly way, by Very +Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A. + +No. 317. "_Strong Op-inions._" A Political Picture by a Liberal +Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD. + +No. 342. _A Person sitting uprightly._ By BENTLEY. + +No. 351. "_Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!_" By J.T. +NETTLESHIP. + +No. 373. "_There is a Flower that bloometh._" The Mayor of AVON, as he +appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL R. MORRIS, A. + +No. 412. "_Hush a bye, Bibby!_" Capital picture, speaks for itself. "I +know that man, he comes from--Liverpool." Brought here by LUKE FILDES, +R.A. + +[Illustration: No. 699. "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not +caught yet. C.N. Henry.] + +No. 440. "_Poppylar Error._" _Old Lady_ (_loq._). "Oh, dear! I've +eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up poppies, and I do feel so--Oh! I feel +my colour is gradually PALIN (W.M.)." + +[Illustration: No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a +boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.--Your eye is sure to be caught by +this Hook. But the picture must be looked at from our point of view, +from the opposite side of the room.]] + +No. 502. "_What, no Soap!_" She may appear a trifle cracky, but no one +can say that this picture represents her as having gone "clean mad." +ANNA BILINSKA. + +No. 553. _Margate Sands in Ancient Times_. Cruel conduct of an Ancient +Warrior towards a young lady who refused to bathe in the sea. Full of +life by E.M. HALE (and Hearty). + +No. 575. "_Poor Thing!_" Touching picture of ideal patient in Æsthetic +Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS. + +No. 636. "_A Clever Examiner drawing him out._" [N.B.--This ought to +have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY. + +No. 686. _Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq._ The Artist has, of +course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but little here below," +but he doesn't get anything at all, being cut off, so to speak, in his +prime about the second shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken +before the Artist at "Pettie Sessions." + +No. 1041. "_Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King Charles's +Martyrdom._" FRED HALL. + +SCULPTURE.--The descriptions in the Guide are too painful. We prefer +not, to give any names, but here are specimens:--"Mr. So-and-so, _to +be executed in bronze_"; "The late Thingummy--_bust_!" These will +suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "_All Three going to Bath_" by GEORGE +FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means least, a very good likeness +of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY, R.A., and while we think of it, we'll +treat him as a cabman and "take his number," which it's 1941, done by +JOHN ADAMS-ACTON, and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude +our pick of the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with +_one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!_ + + * * * * * + +ARS LONGA. + + Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of May, + That is "ART," which you start with a thundering A. + Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete way. + Some think "art" would impart all the work of to-day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES. + +"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR--AND THOSE ARE HIS CHILDREN!" + +"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!" + +"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE UGLY ONES +THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST. + +Mr. P.C. BULL, _loquitur_:-- + + Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers, + From lands less free! I grudge you room + Among my hosts of honest workers. + Had I the settling of your doom, + Your shrift were short, and brief your stay. + As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way. + + A Land of Liberty! Precisely. + And curs of that advantage take. + But, if you want my tip concisely,-- + We hate the wolf and loathe the snake: + And as you seem a blend of both, + To crush you I'd be little loth. + + Freedom we love, and, to secure it, + Take rough and smooth with constant mind. + Espionage? We ill endure it, + But Liberty need not be blind. + Sorrow's asylum is our isle; + But we'd not harbour ruffians vile. + + To flout that isle foes are not chary, + When of its shelter not in need; + But, when in search of sanctuary, + They fly thereto with wondrous speed. + Asylum? Ay! But learn--in time-- + 'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime. + + Foes dub me sinister, satanic, + A friend of Nihilists and knaves; + Because I will not let mere panic + Rob me of sympathy with slaves, + And hatred of oppressors. Fudge! + Their railings will not make me budge. + + I've taken up my stand for freedom, + I'll jackal to no autocrat; + But rogues with hands as red as Edom, + Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat, + I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine. + I have no sympathy with vermin. + + Doors open, welcome hospitable + For all, unchallenged, is my style; + But trust not to the fatuous fable + That _Caliban_'s free of my isle + With prosperous _Prospero's_ free consent. + Such lies mad autocrats invent. + + Such for some centuries they've been telling, + Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush + Upon the threshold of my dwelling, + But shall not join a purblind rush + Of panic-stricken fools to play + The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay! + + But you, foul, furtive desperadoes, + Who, frightened now by those you'd fright, + Would fain slink off among the shadows, + To plot out further deeds of night, + Our isle's immunity you boast!-- + You're reckoning without your host. + + I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries + I think you'll find it hard to scare; + _We_ worship no Anarchic furies, + For menace are not wont to care, + Here red-caught Crime in vain advances + "Extenuating Circumstances!" + + * * * * * + +COUPLET BY A CYNIC. + +(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show.) + + Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks + Whilst it gives Private Views--of Pretty Frocks! + + * * * * * + +THE WORLD ON WHEELS. + +MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world on a +bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new social force." +Possibly. But certain writers to the _Times_ on "The Tyranny of the +Road," seem to prove that it is also a new _anti_-social force, when +it frightens horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb, +we may say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"--well, all over +the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain. Whilst +welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not allow the +"new social force" to develop into a new social despotism. To put it +pointedly:-- + + We welcome these new steeds of steel, + (In spite of whistles and of "squealers,") + But cannot have the common weal + _Too_ much disturbed by common "Wheelers"! + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.--After the Presidential orations, the +success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's speech. His audience +were delighted at being thus "butchered to make" an artistic +"holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed his regret that "the House +of Commons did not possess a Hanging Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we +now and again hear of a Member being "suspended" for some considerable +time? On such occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There +was one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged +with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to himself, +as, meditating many things, he stood by the much-sounding soda-water, +"Odd! a lot of speeches; and yet,--_not a word about Orme!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST. + +FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!--VE SHALL NOT BE INTERRUPT IN ZIS +FREE ENGLAND!" + +BULL A1 (_sotto voce_). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO! YOU'LL FIND NO +_EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES_ HERE!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION. + +BY MRS. PAYLEY. + +III.--THE CHOICE OF A POSE. + +[Illustration: {Young girl, posing.}] + +All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression which +they wish to create. The natural girl is always either impolite +or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl who appears +artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural, and to appear +natural, is the end at which the young girl should aim. Much, then, +will depend on the choice of a pose. It should be suitable; there +should be something in your appearance and abilities to support the +illusion. I once knew a fat girl, with red hair (the _wrong_ red), & +good appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the romantic +pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was quite unable +to look the part. If she had done the Capital Housekeeper, or the +Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have married a middle-aged Rector. +She threw away her chances by choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same +time the reasons for your choice should never be obvious. There was +another case, which amused me slightly--a dark girl, with fine eyes. +She was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some accident +in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to walk with a stick, +and her back was bent. She posed as a man-hater. The part suited her +well enough, for she had rather a pretty wit. "But," I said to her, +"it is too plainly a case of the fox and the grapes; you hate men +because you are a cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She +did not take this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she +has never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite true. +She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with love; if you +ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as well get a wooden +heart at the same time. But her pose was too obvious--ridiculously +obvious. She would have done better with something in the way of a +religious enthusiasm--something very mystical. It would have been +impressive. + +In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards supporting her +pose; but she must have the intuitions and perceptions of an artist. + +The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl in +London is not naturally child-like. There should be a suggestion +of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be simple, loose and +sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon round its neck; say that you +like chocolate-creams; open your eyes very wide, and suck the tip of +one finger occasionally. Let your manner generally vary between the +pensive and the mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially +of things which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt +this pose unless your figure is _mignon_ and your complexion pink. Do +not be _too_ realistic; never be sticky or dirty--men do not care for +it. + +A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is that of +"the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly the result of +liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul. The dress should be +sombre, trailing, and rather distraught: there is a way of arranging +a _fichu_ which of itself suggests that the heart beneath it is +blighted. If you happen to possess a few ornaments which are not +too expensive, distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a +repressed voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let +it be known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to +spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one flower; +occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you hear music. +The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower middle-classes, but +wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir, which either never opens or +never comes off. Smile sometimes, of course; but be careful to smile +unnaturally. On all festive occasions divide your time between your +bedroom and the churchyard. + +Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you have +no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of the +philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid will be +your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate in the homes +of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and, on returning, to +disseminate in the homes of the rich some of the diseases of the poor. +Everything about you must be flat; your hats, hair and heels must be +flat; your denials must be particularly flat. Always take your meals +in your jacket and a hurry, never with the rest of your family; never +have time to eat enough, but always have time to brag about it. + +I cannot understand why any girl should object to the assumption of +a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that she preferred to be +what she seemed to be. She was an exceptional case; I disbelieved in +her protestations that she was perfectly natural, and managed to get +some opportunities for observation when she did not know that she was +observed. I must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to +get married--suburban happiness and no position--but, as I said, she +was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I should never have been +married if I had seemed to be what I really was. I cannot understand +this desire to be natural--it _is_ so affected. + +My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In spite of my +disclaimer last week, I have been asked several questions which are +not connected with Sentiment and Propriety. "BELLADONNA" asks my +advice on rather a delicate case; she is almost engaged to a man, A., +and her greatest friend is a girl, B. Happening, the other day, to +open B.'s Diary by mistake for her own, she discovered that B. is +also very much in love with A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think +the most honourable course would be to report in her own Diary a +statement by A. that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B. +might mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she +cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has read +"BELLADONNA's" Diary. + + * * * * * + +HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK. + +SCENE I.--_At the Haymarket.--Darkness visible. Out of it come +Voices._ + +_First Voice_ (_probably on stage_). "_Who's there?_" + +_Second V._ (_probably in auditorium_). I can't see. Is it TREE? + +_Third V._ "_Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself._" + +_Fourth V._ I wish I could unfold the seat to let people pass. + +_Third V._ "_You come most carefully upon your hour._" + +_Fourth V._ Why on earth can't people be more punctual? + +_First V._ "_'Tis now struck twelve._" + +_Fourth V._ About a dozen people have hit my head scrambling past in +the dark. + +_Third V._ "_For this relief much thanks._" + +_Fourth V._ They seem to have got in at last. + +_Third V._ "_'Tis bitter cold._" + +_Fifth V._ Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send away the ghost, and +turn up the lights. + +_Third V._ "_Not a mouse stirring._" [_Crash._ + +_Sixth V._ There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a job to find it. + +_Third V._ "_Stand, ho!_" + +_Seventh V._ Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware that you're standing +on my foot? + +_Third V._ "BERNARDO _has my place._" + +_Sixth V._ Here's someone taken my seat! + +_First V._ "_What, is_ HORATIO _there?_" + +_Eighth V._ Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't see you--but now +the light's a bit up--(_&c., &c._). + + * * * * * + +A CRITERION OF MORALS.--Astutely doing "The Puff Preliminary" in a +letter to the papers before the production of _The Fringe of Society_ +(i.e., _Le Demi-monde_ freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes +that "there is no such class, in any recognisable degree, as the +_demi-monde_ in England." "Recognisable" is good, very good, it saves +the situation, as of course the _demi-monde_ is _not_, on any account, +to be recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of the +world which never knows what the other half is doing. If _The Fringe_, +as it at first went in to the Licenser, had to be trimmed, CHARLES our +Friend might have announced his latest version as re-"adapted from the +_Fringe_." + + * * * * * + +"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"--ORME. [No others count.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL. + +BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP. + +A STORY OF _THE_ SEX. + + (By THOMAS OF WESSEX, Author of "Guess how a Murder feels," + "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a Shoe," "One in + a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her," "The Flight of the + Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd," "A Lay o' Deceivers," + &c.) + + ["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this book, + "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life in modern + Wessex. It is well known, of course, that although I often + write agricultural novels, I invariably call a spade a spade, + and not an agricultural implement. Thus I am led to speak in + plain language of women, their misdoings, and their undoings. + Unstrained dialect is a speciality. If you want to know the + extent of Wessex, consult histories of the Heptarchy with + maps."] + +CHAPTER I. + +In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from the point +where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards Icenhurst on its way +to Wintoncester, having on one side the hamlet of Batton, on the +other the larger town of Casterbridge, stands the farmhouse wherewith +in this narrative we have to deal. There for generations had dwelt +the rustic family of the PEEPS, handing down from father to son +a well-stocked cow-shed and a tradition of rural virtues which +yet excluded not an overgreat affection on the male side for the +home-brewed ale and the homemade language in which, as is known, +the Wessex peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose +thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though ashamed of +bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a degree of temperature +not far removed from the zero-mark of the local Fahrenheit. Within, +a fire of good Wessex logs crackled cheerily upon the hearth. Old +ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of the fireplace, his figure yet telling +a tale of former vigour. On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless, +neutral, slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may +find with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair between +them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an absent inmate. +A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an ancient clock that had +ticked away the mortality of many a past and gone PEEP. + +CHAPTER II. + +[Illustration: {Bonduca Peep.}] + +"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his chair +so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view. "Like enough +she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird of a feller, TOM +TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle round the hills. My soul, +but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor slammick of a chap." + +Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like other +realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle of +infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet +contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it must +be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have stood as +pressing concretions which chafe body and soul--a most disagreeable +state of things, peculiar to the miserably passive existence of a +Wessex peasant woman. + +"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak irrelevance. +"She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men have bin after +her--fourteen of 'em, all the best lads round about, some of 'em wi' +bags and bags of gold to their names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be +their lawful wedded wife." + +ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard lines +of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist down upon his +knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the richest, and let him carry +BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks wear badly, and good characters be +of no account; but the gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued, +meditatively, "the old house could be new thatched, and you and me +live like Lords and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in +silks and satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles +to our feet." + +POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and thoroughly +understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of the Wessex peasant. + +CHAPTER III. + +Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP--little BO PEEP was the name by which the +country-folk all knew her--sat dreaming upon the hill-side, looking +out with a premature woman's eyes upon the rich valley that stretched +away to the horizon. The rest of the landscape was made up of +agricultural scenes and incidents which the slightest knowledge of +Wessex novels can fill in amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of +dairymen, maidens to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the +rich pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect, and +gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as far as +the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that Bo had that +morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a flexuous and +finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a vanished knight +and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust now mouldered in many +churchyards. There was about her an amplitude of curve which, joined +to a certain luxuriance of moulding, betrayed her sex even to a +careless observer. And when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic +utterance in a monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of +startling her relations into temporary propriety. + +CHAPTER IV. + +Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an amiable +tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle behind her caused +her to turn her head, and she saw a strange procession advancing over +the parched fields where--[Two pages of field-scenery omitted.--ED.] +One by one they toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply +defined against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and +full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled on +some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its stamp. But +what most distinguished these remarkable processionists in the clear +noon of this winter day was that each one carried in her arms an +infant. And each one, as she reached the place where the enthralled +BONDUCA sat obliviscent of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid +the baby down. First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an +interval by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To +them succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and Squire +PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX, the Honourable +LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY, brought up the rear. + +BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young life to +be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm after all, and the +audition of these squalling nurslings vexed her. What could the matter +mean? No answer was given to these questionings. A man's figure, +vast and terrible, appeared on the hill's brow, with a cruel look of +triumph on his wicked face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered; +the noble dames fled shrieking down the valley. + +"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in the +spectrum of your young life." + +"Say those words quickly," she retorted. + +"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray, Broo-re-ray, +Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA and his own imperfect +tongue-power, "you are fooling me. Beware!" + +"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she bowed herself +submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall therefore marry you. +Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon her. + +CHAPTER V. + +Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to +come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself +before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity. + +And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether rolled +her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways +of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic +completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed, +irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in it, and rustics +danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were "blasted," like poor +BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the calm nonchalance of a +Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched into a world of reviews, +where the multitude of readers is not as to their external +displacements, but as to their subjective experiences. + +[THE END. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW GALLERY. + +This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all shapes and +sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the young Ladies:-- + +No. 13. "_White Roses._" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns here, evidently, +judging by the young woman's look of anguish. And this is the moral +POYNTER points. + +No. 66. "_A War Cloud._" A Music-HALLÉ singing "_Rule Britannia!_" +with proper dressings. + +No. 18. "_Paderewski._" Surely it ought to be PATTY REWSKY, with +"Miss" before the name. _Moral_, "Get your hair cut!" + +No. 284. "_Nightfall in the Dauphinée._" "_Might_ fall," it ought to +be, and no wonder if she walked about on so dark a night with such a +load in her arms! + +No. 165. "_Che sara sara._" A pedestrian match in the Metropolis. In +fact, _Walker, London_. A portrait of _Sarah_, after she has been +let down into the punt, the shock having dislocated her shoulder. She +might have kept _Col. Neal's_ clothes round her neck to hide her back. + +No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND KHNPFF. Our +Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that he went out to get +assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to pronounce the painter's +name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now in a precarious state. +Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant +Sub-Critic, and a few extra Supernumerary Critics, then went in a +body and looked at this young woman's head, apparently taken after +an interview with Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all +sides, and finally stood on their own, but they could not make head +or tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning, and +paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this journal. + +There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young Ladies, but +those mentioned above are the most remarkable in the New Girlery. + + * * * * * + +ANY MAN TO ANY WOMAN. + + O woman, in our hours of ease, + We smile, and say, "Go as you please!" + But when there's prospect of a row, + _You're_ best out of it anyhow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, THAT TUNE!" + +A Sketch of an Unintentional and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie +Collins.] + + * * * * * + +THE TWO ARCHERS.--In the _P.M.G._ of Saturday last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in +a signed article, criticises a book on "_How to Write a Good Play_, by +FRANK ARCHER." In expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes +Frank--unpleasantly Frank. + + * * * * * + +A RIDDLE. + + While Publishers their fortunes make + And wax exceeding fat, + The Author still is like a rake. + Now, pray account for that. + + * * * * * + +THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY. + +[Illustration] + + Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers + Out of this room, where we think more of ham + Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than HERKOMERS, + Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON with lamb, + + Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and celery, + And not of the drawings at which we should look; + Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery, + But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of "Cook." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +House of Commons, Monday, April 25.--Session resumed to-day after +Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says, Session comes but Members +linger. Not forty present when business commenced. "May as well go +on." said the SPEAKER, whom everybody glad to see looking brisk and +hearty after his holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by." + +So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or +enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got to +business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to be measure +involving closest interests of the great empire that CLIVE helped to +make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after. Appearance of House suggestive +rather of some local question affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney +Marsh. Below Gangway, on Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present. +Member for Oldham a sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space. +Above Gangway RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE +CURZON had Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing +how cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite +staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his looks, +sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought. Pretty to +see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made graceful allusion to +his genius and statesmanlike conduct of affairs. "Approbation from Sir +HUBERT STANLEY," as he later observed, "is praise indeed." + +[Illustration: "So-and-So."] + +Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above Gangway +opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's vacant place +as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party brimful of energy, +enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopædic knowledge--MORTON, SEYMOUR +KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE +OF CAMBORNE, who has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows +all about India. + +Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN whilst +he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS PELLY, who +really knew something about India, and therefore would probably not +have spoken had he been here to-night. A kindly, courteous, upright, +valiant gentleman, who took a little too seriously the joke House had +with him about the Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous +speech on the question, with its graphic description of forced marches +"from So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to +So-forth." + +PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he, too, has +made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on into the unmapped +So-forth. + +MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous desolate House. Only one +other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several speeches +dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me will bear me out +when I say--" Instant commotion below Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on +his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against +MORTON. All animated by desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth. +He breathlessly explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and, +they reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter end. + +Business done.--Practically none. + +Tuesday.--Amid the pomps and vanities of a wicked world there is +something refreshing and reassuring in spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN +ANNE'S GATE going about his daily business. One would describe him +as childlike and bland, only for recollection that combination of +harmless endearing epithet has been applied in another connection and +might be misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that +so accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to pose +Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution. Wanted to know +whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between months of September +and December in present year, a Bill would be brought in to accelerate +Registration? Terms of question being set forth on printed paper, not +necessary for the SAGE to recite them. For this he seemed grateful. +It relieved him from the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR +by a reference to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt +at being asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his +seat--so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not impose his +full height on the eyesight of the Minister--"begged to ask the FIRST +LORD OF THE TREASURY Question No. 8." + +Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he looked at +the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the question addressed +to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually wanting to know something +about the date of the Dissolution, and what would follow in certain +contingencies. As a philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the +vagaries of the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his +large leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of +doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number, indulging +in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the contingency +referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they had not even +contemplated taking any steps to meet it. + +Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose, the +Government would act in the manner he had suggested? + +No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in full view +of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw that deduction from +what he had said. + +[Illustration: Cap'n Birkbeck.] + +The House, having listened intently to this artless conversation, +proceeded to business of the day, which happily included the adoption +of a Resolution engaging the Government to connect with the mainland, +by telephone or telegraph, the lighthouses and lightships that +twinkle round our stormy coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved +this Resolution, seconded from other side in admirable speech by +MARJORIBANKS. + +Business done.--Excellent. + +Wednesday.--Much surprised, strolling down to House this afternoon, +to find place in sort of state of siege. Policemen, policemen +everywhere, and, as one sadly observed, "not a drop to drink." Haven't +seen anything like it since KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops +from his mane as he walked through Palace Yard, passing through +enthusiastic crowd into House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts +in Old Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old +GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table, scene was +somewhat similar. + +"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our able and +indefatigable Superintendent striding about the Corridor, as NAPOLEON +visited the outposts on the eve of Austerlitz. + +"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of them at +St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman driven off at +point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up; party of the name of +BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on the flat of his back." + +"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for oratorical +effort. But you seem to have got new men at the various posts?" + +"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice to whisper; +"we've picked em out. Gone through the Force; mustered all the +bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion of argument on Woman's +Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night, floor nearly ankle-deep in +loose hair. They don't get much off _my_ men," said HORSLEY, proudly. + +[Illustration: "So young and so iniquitous!"] + +Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably they had +something to do with the almost disappointing result. Everything +passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate had been India, +or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million or two. Ladies locked +up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with lime-lights playing on placards +hung on walls enforcing "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH +should come on early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had +marvellously sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later, +ASQUITH demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars, +that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a shrill +whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR, dexterously +intervening, soothed the angry breast by his chivalrous advocacy of +Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat there floated over the charmed +House, coming "So young and so as it were from heavenly spheres above +the iniquitous!" SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a +man!" + +Business done.--Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected by 175 Votes against +152. + +Friday Night.--Little sparring match between Front Benches. Mr. +G. and all his merry men anxious, above all things, to know when +Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR +interested, but ignorant. Can't understand why people should always +be talking about Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a +sufficient majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the +month of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence +in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there will +be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme. Let him +contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and not trouble +his head about indefinite details like Dissolutions. + +This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he became +Leader. + +Business done.--None. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE WEATHER. + + The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA, + The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for tea. + It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella; + Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and me. + With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent leather), + My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my hair, + Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the weather, + I am safe--the barometer points to "Set Fair." + + So I'm off--why, what's that? Yes, by Jove, there's a sputter + Of rain on the pavement!--the sunshine retires; + And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to utter + The thoughts that this changeable weather inspires. + Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and disgusted; + In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt it again; + And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted + The barometer's index, which now points to "Rain." + + Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and "bowler,"-- + My STELLA thinks more of a man than his dress. + I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console her. + Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll love me no less. + Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy them-- + Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing away! + The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry them. + Well, there, I give up, and retire for the day! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 *** |