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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102,
+May 7, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, May 7, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2005  [eBook #14601]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOLUME 102, MAY 7, 1892***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14601-h.htm or 14601-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h/14601-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 102
+
+MAY 7, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+'ARRY ON WHEELS.
+
+[Illustration: Our 'Arry Laureate.]
+
+  DEAR CHARLIE,--Spring's on us at last, and a proper old April
+          we've 'ad,
+  Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made 'oliday makers
+          feel mad.
+  Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems somehow to take a
+          delight
+  In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was out of sheer
+          spite.
+
+  When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in orfice or
+          fact'ry, or shop,
+  The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller feels fair on the
+          'op;
+  But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings all round is
+          in train,
+  It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster of rain.
+
+  It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go as crooked as Z.
+  Feelosophers _may_ think it out, 'ARRY ain't got the 'eart, or the
+          'ead;
+  But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's fust laws, and
+          no kid.
+  If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good 'ealth and
+          _no_ quid!
+
+  'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good outing--on wheels;
+  For I've took to the bicycle, yus,--and can show a good many my
+          'eels.
+  You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a smooth bit of
+          straight road,
+  And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of wheeling, I'm
+          blowed.
+
+  Larks fust and larks larst is _my_ motter. Old RICHARDSON's rumbo
+          is rot.
+  Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts to a sanit'ry
+          pot;
+  But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty scenery, and
+          that,
+  As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly is not sech a
+          flat.
+
+  Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for good 'ealth,
+          I've no doubt
+  That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is mere turning
+          about,
+  Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, wheeling _as_
+          wheeling's 'ard work,
+  And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I always did
+          shirk.
+
+  _I_ ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with a chest 'ollered
+          out, and a 'ump,
+  Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or go slap off
+          their chump.
+  You don't ketch _me_ straining my 'eart till it cracks for a big
+          silver mug.
+  No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel cosy and snug.
+
+  Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up to champion form.
+  And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the Wheel-World
+          by storm,
+  Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' to lace up 'is
+          boot.
+  Let them go for _that_ game as are mind to, here's one as it
+          certn'y won't soot.
+
+  But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd 'ardly
+          emagine 'ow much,
+  If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and skyfoozled some
+          dawdling old Dutch.
+  Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly the doddering
+          old sort
+  As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! that makes
+          a'rf the sport!
+
+  'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled tremenjus at fust,
+  Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a thundering
+          thust;
+  I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling about on the loose,
+  As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and about as much
+          use.
+
+  Now I _don't_ like to look like a juggins, it's wot I carn't
+          stand, s'elp my bob;
+  But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, when I'm fair
+          on the job.
+  So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of grass and tall
+          trees,
+  Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer 'twas "go as
+          yer please."
+
+  They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as Solsberry Plain,
+  Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when it's welting with
+          rain;
+  Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and studyus old stodges
+          live there,
+  And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; but wot did _I_
+          care.
+
+  When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked 'em a smart bit
+          o' lip,
+  With a big D or two--for the ladies--and wosn't they soon on the
+          skip!
+  'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I could fair
+          feel my feet;
+  If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure it'll do you a
+          treat.
+
+  I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties don't run yer
+          much risk,
+  And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle along pooty brisk;
+  And _then_ came the barney, my bloater! I jined 'arf a dozen prime
+          pals,
+  And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, and espessh'lly
+          the gals.
+
+  No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, sportsman
+          form, and sech muck.
+  I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and trust to
+          pot-luck.
+  A rush twelve-a-breast _is_ a gammock, twelve squeakers a going
+          like one;
+  But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer sperrits, and
+          spile all the fun.
+
+  The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, mugs will keep
+          spouting it still;
+  But wot _is_ it to me and my mates, treadles loose, and a-chargin'
+          down 'ill?
+  Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, our 'owls,
+          women's shrieks, and men's swears!
+  Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a busting
+          down-stairs.
+
+  Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming girl's school on
+          the trot,
+  May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't _my_ form by a
+          lot.
+  Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the old buffers as
+          prowl
+  Along green country roads at their ease, till they're scared by my
+          squeak, or my 'owl?
+
+  My "alarm" _is_ a caution I tell yer; it sounds like some shrill
+          old macaw,
+  Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives yer a twist in
+          the jaw,
+  And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till I shake in my
+          socks
+  When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump like a
+          Jack-in-the-box.
+
+  I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray likewise, dear boy.
+  'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that chorus,--a boon
+          and a joy!
+  Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables jest makes me
+          bust;
+  When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus than the row
+          and the dust!
+
+  We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our spins out of town;
+  Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we just ladle it
+          down?
+  And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder well over the
+          wheel,
+  And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer I make the
+          thing squeal.
+
+  My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well back on my 'ed,
+  And my spine fairly _'umped_ to it, CHARLIE, and then carn't I
+          paint the town red?
+  They call me "The Camel" for that, _and_ my stomach-capas'ty for
+          "wet."
+  Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the liquor,--you
+          bet!
+
+  There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long squeals to the
+          _Times_ about hus.
+  They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! it's all
+          fidgets and fuss.
+  I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got no heye for a
+          lark.
+  _I_ know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and squirm if we makes
+          a remark.
+
+  If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em the haffable
+          nod;
+  Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being scowled at, it's
+          hodd.
+  Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although they may look a
+          mite shy;
+  It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or fie-fie.
+
+  We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of hus--BUGGINS and
+          me,
+  MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and TOFF JONES, and
+          MICK SHEE;
+  All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along comes a gurl on
+          a 'orse.
+  Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and gave 'er a
+          rouser, in course.
+
+  'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked so remarkable
+          rum,
+  That we _couldn't_ 'elp doing a larf, though the gurl wos
+          pertikler yum-yum;
+  We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a swell, and he
+          swore,
+  And--would you believe it, old pal?--went for BUGGINS, and give
+          'im wot for!!!
+
+  Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, surely, about sech
+          a hact!
+  Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere crackpots as
+          ain't got no tact.
+  We all did a guy like greased lightning; you _can_ when you're
+          once on your wheel--
+  Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls can do nothink
+          but squeal.
+
+  That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's beastly to
+          think a fine sport
+  And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be kiboshed by mugs of
+          that sort.
+  All boko! dear boy, those _Times_ letters! I mean the new barney
+          to carry,
+  As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their meddlesome mawleys orf
+
+'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
+
+Lady Clara Robinson (nee Vere de Vere). "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS
+MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"
+
+Conductor. "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY DECAYED ARISTOCRACY
+TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS UP THEIR MANNERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.
+
+(AFTER A CELEBRATED MODEL.)
+
+COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892.
+
+    ["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
+    sonnets on the South-Eastern."--Mr. Barry Pain, "In the
+    Smoking-Room."]
+
+  Earth has not anything to show less fair:
+  Patient were he of soul who could pass by
+  A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry
+  Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,
+  Without one single, solitary swear.
+  The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,
+  The prompt "next platform" (which is all my eye),
+  The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;
+  Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,
+  Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one ill;
+  The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!
+  The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.
+  Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,
+  That the long humbugged Public stands it still?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.--A good combination of names is to be found in
+an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly,
+on the evening of May 11, to be given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr.
+A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made
+Concert." If REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give
+credit? _Solvitur ambulando_--that is, Walk in, and you'll find out.
+It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, "Master G.," who
+is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, as his REDDIE-witted
+companion playfully observes, "The youthful pianist will out-Erard
+ERARD."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CALL YOU THIS BACKING YOUR FRIENDS?"
+
+(BY A CONFUSED CONSERVATIVE.)
+
+  To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough rage,
+    Conservatism is as shield and fetter meant;
+  And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;
+    And RITCHIE tells us he approves of "Betterment"!
+  O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,
+  Is _this_ to be the end of all our dreams?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.
+
+    SCENE--Interior of a Foreign Law Court. Numerous officials in
+    attendance performing their various duties in an apprehensive
+    sort of way. Audience small but determined.
+
+_Judge_ (_nervously_). Now are we really protected from disturbance?
+
+_General in Command of Troops._ I think so. The Court House is
+surrounded by an Army Corps, and the Engineers find that the place has
+not been undermined to at least a distance of a thousand feet.
+
+_Judge_ (_somewhat reassured_). Well, now I think we may proceed with
+the trial. Admit the accused.
+
+    [_The Prisoner is bowed into the dock, and accommodated with
+    a comfortably cushioned arm-chair._
+
+_Prisoner._ Good morning. (_To Judge._) You can resume your hat.
+
+_Judge_ (_bowing to the Prisoner_). Accused, I am deeply honoured
+by your courtesy. I trust you have been comfortable in the State
+apartments that have been recently supplied to you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_firmly_). State apartment! Why it was a prison! You know
+it, _M. le Juge_, and you, Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses.
+(_The entire audience shudder apprehensively._) And, what is more, my
+friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and thrown into
+prison. Yes, they know that, and will act accordingly.
+
+_Judge_ (_tearfully_). I am sure none of us wished to offend you!
+
+_Members of the Bar_ (_in a breath_). Certainly not!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose you don't want
+any evidence. You have heard what I have said. You know that I regret
+having caused inconvenience to my innocent victims. They would forgive
+me for my innocent intentions. I only wished to save everybody by
+blowing everybody up.
+
+_The Court generally._ Yes, yes!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, I have just done. And now what say the Jury? Where
+are they?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury_ (_white with fear_). I am, Sir,--very pleased to
+see you, Sir,--hope you are well, Sir?
+
+_Prisoner_ (_condescendingly_). Tol lol. And now what do you say? am I
+Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We will talk it over,
+Sir--if you don't mind, Sir.
+
+_Prisoner._ I need not tell you that my friends outside take the
+greatest possible interest in your proceedings.
+
+_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Why, yes, Sir! The fact is we have all had
+anonymous letters daily, saying that we shall be blown out of house
+and home if we harm you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_laughing_). Oh, be under no apprehension. It is merely
+the circular of my friends. Only a compilation of hints for the
+guidance of the Gentlemen of the Jury.
+
+_Foreman._ Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that spirit.
+
+_Prisoner._ You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have surely had time to
+make up your minds. Do you find me Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman_ (_earnestly_). Why, Not Guilty, to be sure.
+
+_Judge._ Release the accused! Sir, you have my congratulations. Pray
+accept my distinguished consideration.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_coldly_). You are very good. And now adieu, and off to
+breakfast with what appetite ye may!
+
+_The Entire Court_ (_falling on their knees, and raising their hands
+in supplication_). Mercy, Sir! For pity's sake, mercy!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_fiercely_). Mercy! What, after I have been arrested!
+Mercy! after I have been cast into gaol!
+
+_Judge_ (_in tears._) They thought they were right. They were,
+doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the remainder of the row
+of houses! Can you not consider this a plea for extenuating
+circumstances?
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_sternly_). No. It was my business, not theirs. It
+was I who paid for the dynamite--not they. (_Preparing to leave the
+Court._) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my friends!
+
+_Judge_ (_following him to the door_). Nay, stay! See us--we kneel
+to you. (_To audience._) Kneel, friends, kneel! (_Everybody obeys the
+direction._) One last appeal! (_In a voice broken with emotion._) We
+all have Mothers!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_thunder-stricken_). You all have Mothers! I knew
+not this. I pardon you! [_The audience utter shouts of joy, and
+the Ex-Prisoner extends his hands towards them in the attitude of
+benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HESITATION.
+
+Russian Recruiting Sergeant.. "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS
+LAD, TAKE THE IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN
+YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY FAMILIAR FRIEND
+FOR THE R.A. SEASON.
+
+[Illustration: No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror, privately
+practicing production of glass bowl full of water from nowhere in
+particular; a subject not unnaturally associated with the name of
+Waterhouse, A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the
+Iron's hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a hit
+immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes, A. (and "A. 1,"
+adds _Mr. P._), prepare to receive congratulations!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow
+shower-bath? by G.F. Watts, R.A.]
+
+No. 16. It is called "_A Toast._ By AGNES E. WALKER." It should be
+called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to represent an eminent
+tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, &c., when staying at home, and
+taking the mixture as before.
+
+No. 19. A musical subject, "_The Open C._" By HENRY MOORE, A.
+
+No. 24. "_Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too much._" Black
+Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a row. The person who "calls
+himself a Gentleman" is seen as a retiring person in another mirror.
+ETTORE TITO.
+
+No. 40. _Little Bo Peep after Lunch_, supported by a tree. Early
+intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come home, leave tails
+b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.
+
+No. 56. _Ben Ledi._ This is a puzzle picture by Mr. JAMES ELLIOT. Of
+course there is in it, somewhere or other, a portrait of the eminent
+Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find him.
+
+No. 83. "_The Coming Sneeze._" Picture of a Lady evidently saying, "Oh
+dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. BENHAM.
+
+No. 89. "_Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN Point._"
+JOHN PETTIE, R.A.
+
+No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a bald-headed
+bust, and singing to a maiden, "_Get your Hair Cut!_" RALPH PEACOCK.
+
+No. 97. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!_" "Must hide it
+before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.
+
+No. 102. "_Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn Tennis
+Player._" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie Bridge man.
+
+No. 105. "_Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it._" _Vide Sam Weller._
+"JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"
+
+No. 107. "_Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing Dairymaid._" Taken
+in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him several inches of canvas, and
+he'll take a NELL) as she was about to put a little water out of the
+stream into the fresh milk pail.
+
+[Illustration: No. 212. "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you
+are, indeed! Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most
+expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if the confounded
+cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten to send my right gauntlet!" John
+Pettie, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 173. "A First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor,
+Mr. Gommersal of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the
+Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the author of the
+Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The Battle of Waterloo' was
+seated finishing the last Act. 'What do you think of this?' asked Mr.
+G., triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the author, sharply.
+'What!' exclaimed the astonished veteran, 'do you mean to say my
+make-up for Napoleon isn't good! Well I'm ----' 'You will be, if
+you appear like that,' interrupted the author decisively,"--Vide
+_Widdicomb's History of the Battle of Waterloo at Astley's_. W.Q.
+Orchardson, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of
+Illustration. Interval during change of costume. "Behold these
+graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.]
+
+No. 130. _A (Sir Donald) Currie_, admirably done in P. and O. (Paint
+and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A wealth of
+colour. The subject is this:--After an ample school-feast, the girls
+sat drowsily under an orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled
+by the appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy Jane," cried
+Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt yer, 'ee only comes from the
+Lowther Harkade." Sir Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.]
+
+No. 211. "_Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind._"--_As You Like It._ But we
+_don't_ like it--we mean, the wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and
+dreary! We suppose that in order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must
+have been thoroughly wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir
+J.E. MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.
+
+No. 228. "_The Great Auk's Egg._" "Auk-ward moment: is it genuine or
+not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably been auk'd about
+before, genuine or not There'll be a _great tauk (!)_ about it," says
+H.S. MARKS, R.A.
+
+  No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow here,
+  Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a sheep."
+
+_Old Song_, illustrated by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 458. "Peas and War." Club Committee ordering
+dinner. See corner figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The
+Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r remonstrates
+strongly, "What! not have peas? Nonsense!" That's how the row began,
+and they "gave him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and
+managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody; which the
+limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.]
+
+No. 250. "_Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early in the Ear._"
+"She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to herself, 'Shall I have many
+dances this season?' 'You've got a ball in hand,' whispered small and
+early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand
+is indeed worth a whisper in the ear.'" _From the Greek of Akephalos._
+W. ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.
+
+No. 272. _The Flying Farini Family._ Nothing like bringing 'em up to
+the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 290. "_Sittin' and Satin._" IRLAM BRIGGS. [N.B.--_Mr. P._ always
+delighted to welcome the immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of
+JOHN LEECH's boys drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,--hung!]
+
+No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking directly at
+the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the right man in the right
+place, _i.e., on the line_." Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.
+
+No. 311. _Popping in on them_, in not quite a friendly way, by Very
+Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.
+
+No. 317. "_Strong Op-inions._" A Political Picture by a Liberal
+Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.
+
+No. 342. _A Person sitting uprightly._ By BENTLEY.
+
+No. 351. "_Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!_" By J.T.
+NETTLESHIP.
+
+No. 373. "_There is a Flower that bloometh._" The Mayor of AVON, as he
+appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 412. "_Hush a bye, Bibby!_" Capital picture, speaks for itself. "I
+know that man, he comes from--Liverpool." Brought here by LUKE FILDES,
+R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 699. "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not
+caught yet. C.N. Henry.]
+
+No. 440. "_Poppylar Error._" _Old Lady_ (_loq._). "Oh, dear! I've
+eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up poppies, and I do feel so--Oh! I feel
+my colour is gradually PALIN (W.M.)."
+
+[Illustration: No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a
+boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.--Your eye is sure to be caught by
+this Hook. But the picture must be looked at from our point of view,
+from the opposite side of the room.]]
+
+No. 502. "_What, no Soap!_" She may appear a trifle cracky, but no one
+can say that this picture represents her as having gone "clean mad."
+ANNA BILINSKA.
+
+No. 553. _Margate Sands in Ancient Times_. Cruel conduct of an Ancient
+Warrior towards a young lady who refused to bathe in the sea. Full of
+life by E.M. HALE (and Hearty).
+
+No. 575. "_Poor Thing!_" Touching picture of ideal patient in AEsthetic
+Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.
+
+No. 636. "_A Clever Examiner drawing him out._" [N.B.--This ought to
+have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.
+
+No. 686. _Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq._ The Artist has, of
+course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but little here below,"
+but he doesn't get anything at all, being cut off, so to speak, in his
+prime about the second shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken
+before the Artist at "Pettie Sessions."
+
+No. 1041. "_Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King Charles's
+Martyrdom._" FRED HALL.
+
+SCULPTURE.--The descriptions in the Guide are too painful. We prefer
+not, to give any names, but here are specimens:--"Mr. So-and-so, _to
+be executed in bronze_"; "The late Thingummy--_bust_!" These will
+suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "_All Three going to Bath_" by GEORGE
+FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means least, a very good likeness
+of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY, R.A., and while we think of it, we'll
+treat him as a cabman and "take his number," which it's 1941, done by
+JOHN ADAMS-ACTON, and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude
+our pick of the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with
+_one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARS LONGA.
+
+  Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of May,
+  That is "ART," which you start with a thundering A.
+  Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete way.
+  Some think "art" would impart all the work of to-day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.
+
+"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR--AND THOSE ARE HIS CHILDREN!"
+
+"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"
+
+"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE UGLY ONES
+THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+Mr. P.C. BULL, _loquitur_:--
+
+  Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,
+    From lands less free! I grudge you room
+  Among my hosts of honest workers.
+    Had I the settling of your doom,
+  Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.
+  As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.
+
+  A Land of Liberty! Precisely.
+    And curs of that advantage take.
+  But, if you want my tip concisely,--
+    We hate the wolf and loathe the snake:
+  And as you seem a blend of both,
+  To crush you I'd be little loth.
+
+  Freedom we love, and, to secure it,
+    Take rough and smooth with constant mind.
+  Espionage? We ill endure it,
+    But Liberty need not be blind.
+  Sorrow's asylum is our isle;
+  But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.
+
+  To flout that isle foes are not chary,
+    When of its shelter not in need;
+  But, when in search of sanctuary,
+    They fly thereto with wondrous speed.
+  Asylum? Ay! But learn--in time--
+  'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.
+
+  Foes dub me sinister, satanic,
+    A friend of Nihilists and knaves;
+  Because I will not let mere panic
+    Rob me of sympathy with slaves,
+  And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!
+  Their railings will not make me budge.
+
+  I've taken up my stand for freedom,
+    I'll jackal to no autocrat;
+  But rogues with hands as red as Edom,
+    Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,
+  I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.
+  I have no sympathy with vermin.
+
+  Doors open, welcome hospitable
+    For all, unchallenged, is my style;
+  But trust not to the fatuous fable
+    That _Caliban_'s free of my isle
+  With prosperous _Prospero's_ free consent.
+  Such lies mad autocrats invent.
+
+  Such for some centuries they've been telling,
+    Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush
+  Upon the threshold of my dwelling,
+    But shall not join a purblind rush
+  Of panic-stricken fools to play
+  The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!
+
+  But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,
+    Who, frightened now by those you'd fright,
+  Would fain slink off among the shadows,
+    To plot out further deeds of night,
+  Our isle's immunity you boast!--
+  You're reckoning without your host.
+
+  I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries
+    I think you'll find it hard to scare;
+  _We_ worship no Anarchic furies,
+    For menace are not wont to care,
+  Here red-caught Crime in vain advances
+  "Extenuating Circumstances!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUPLET BY A CYNIC.
+
+(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show.)
+
+  Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks
+  Whilst it gives Private Views--of Pretty Frocks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORLD ON WHEELS.
+
+MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world on a
+bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new social force."
+Possibly. But certain writers to the _Times_ on "The Tyranny of the
+Road," seem to prove that it is also a new _anti_-social force, when
+it frightens horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb,
+we may say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"--well, all over
+the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain. Whilst
+welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not allow the
+"new social force" to develop into a new social despotism. To put it
+pointedly:--
+
+  We welcome these new steeds of steel,
+    (In spite of whistles and of "squealers,")
+  But cannot have the common weal
+    _Too_ much disturbed by common "Wheelers"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.--After the Presidential orations, the
+success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's speech. His audience
+were delighted at being thus "butchered to make" an artistic
+"holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed his regret that "the House
+of Commons did not possess a Hanging Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we
+now and again hear of a Member being "suspended" for some considerable
+time? On such occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There
+was one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged
+with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to himself,
+as, meditating many things, he stood by the much-sounding soda-water,
+"Odd! a lot of speeches; and yet,--_not a word about Orme!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!--VE SHALL NOT BE INTERRUPT IN ZIS
+FREE ENGLAND!"
+
+BULL A1 (_sotto voce_). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO! YOU'LL FIND NO
+_EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES_ HERE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.
+
+BY MRS. PAYLEY.
+
+III.--THE CHOICE OF A POSE.
+
+[Illustration: {Young girl, posing.}]
+
+All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression which
+they wish to create. The natural girl is always either impolite
+or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl who appears
+artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural, and to appear
+natural, is the end at which the young girl should aim. Much, then,
+will depend on the choice of a pose. It should be suitable; there
+should be something in your appearance and abilities to support the
+illusion. I once knew a fat girl, with red hair (the _wrong_ red), &
+good appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the romantic
+pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was quite unable
+to look the part. If she had done the Capital Housekeeper, or the
+Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have married a middle-aged Rector.
+She threw away her chances by choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same
+time the reasons for your choice should never be obvious. There was
+another case, which amused me slightly--a dark girl, with fine eyes.
+She was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some accident
+in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to walk with a stick,
+and her back was bent. She posed as a man-hater. The part suited her
+well enough, for she had rather a pretty wit. "But," I said to her,
+"it is too plainly a case of the fox and the grapes; you hate men
+because you are a cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She
+did not take this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she
+has never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite true.
+She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with love; if you
+ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as well get a wooden
+heart at the same time. But her pose was too obvious--ridiculously
+obvious. She would have done better with something in the way of a
+religious enthusiasm--something very mystical. It would have been
+impressive.
+
+In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards supporting her
+pose; but she must have the intuitions and perceptions of an artist.
+
+The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl in
+London is not naturally child-like. There should be a suggestion
+of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be simple, loose and
+sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon round its neck; say that you
+like chocolate-creams; open your eyes very wide, and suck the tip of
+one finger occasionally. Let your manner generally vary between the
+pensive and the mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially
+of things which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt
+this pose unless your figure is _mignon_ and your complexion pink. Do
+not be _too_ realistic; never be sticky or dirty--men do not care for
+it.
+
+A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is that of
+"the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly the result of
+liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul. The dress should be
+sombre, trailing, and rather distraught: there is a way of arranging
+a _fichu_ which of itself suggests that the heart beneath it is
+blighted. If you happen to possess a few ornaments which are not
+too expensive, distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a
+repressed voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let
+it be known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to
+spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one flower;
+occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you hear music.
+The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower middle-classes, but
+wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir, which either never opens or
+never comes off. Smile sometimes, of course; but be careful to smile
+unnaturally. On all festive occasions divide your time between your
+bedroom and the churchyard.
+
+Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you have
+no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of the
+philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid will be
+your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate in the homes
+of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and, on returning, to
+disseminate in the homes of the rich some of the diseases of the poor.
+Everything about you must be flat; your hats, hair and heels must be
+flat; your denials must be particularly flat. Always take your meals
+in your jacket and a hurry, never with the rest of your family; never
+have time to eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.
+
+I cannot understand why any girl should object to the assumption of
+a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that she preferred to be
+what she seemed to be. She was an exceptional case; I disbelieved in
+her protestations that she was perfectly natural, and managed to get
+some opportunities for observation when she did not know that she was
+observed. I must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to
+get married--suburban happiness and no position--but, as I said, she
+was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I should never have been
+married if I had seemed to be what I really was. I cannot understand
+this desire to be natural--it _is_ so affected.
+
+My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In spite of my
+disclaimer last week, I have been asked several questions which are
+not connected with Sentiment and Propriety. "BELLADONNA" asks my
+advice on rather a delicate case; she is almost engaged to a man, A.,
+and her greatest friend is a girl, B. Happening, the other day, to
+open B.'s Diary by mistake for her own, she discovered that B. is
+also very much in love with A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think
+the most honourable course would be to report in her own Diary a
+statement by A. that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B.
+might mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she
+cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has read
+"BELLADONNA's" Diary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.
+
+SCENE I.--_At the Haymarket.--Darkness visible. Out of it come
+Voices._
+
+_First Voice_ (_probably on stage_). "_Who's there?_"
+
+_Second V._ (_probably in auditorium_). I can't see. Is it TREE?
+
+_Third V._ "_Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself._"
+
+_Fourth V._ I wish I could unfold the seat to let people pass.
+
+_Third V._ "_You come most carefully upon your hour._"
+
+_Fourth V._ Why on earth can't people be more punctual?
+
+_First V._ "_'Tis now struck twelve._"
+
+_Fourth V._ About a dozen people have hit my head scrambling past in
+the dark.
+
+_Third V._ "_For this relief much thanks._"
+
+_Fourth V._ They seem to have got in at last.
+
+_Third V._ "_'Tis bitter cold._"
+
+_Fifth V._ Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send away the ghost, and
+turn up the lights.
+
+_Third V._ "_Not a mouse stirring._" [_Crash._
+
+_Sixth V._ There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a job to find it.
+
+_Third V._ "_Stand, ho!_"
+
+_Seventh V._ Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware that you're standing
+on my foot?
+
+_Third V._ "BERNARDO _has my place._"
+
+_Sixth V._ Here's someone taken my seat!
+
+_First V._ "_What, is_ HORATIO _there?_"
+
+_Eighth V._ Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't see you--but now
+the light's a bit up--(_&c., &c._).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRITERION OF MORALS.--Astutely doing "The Puff Preliminary" in a
+letter to the papers before the production of _The Fringe of Society_
+(i.e., _Le Demi-monde_ freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes
+that "there is no such class, in any recognisable degree, as the
+_demi-monde_ in England." "Recognisable" is good, very good, it saves
+the situation, as of course the _demi-monde_ is _not_, on any account,
+to be recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of the
+world which never knows what the other half is doing. If _The Fringe_,
+as it at first went in to the Licenser, had to be trimmed, CHARLES our
+Friend might have announced his latest version as re-"adapted from the
+_Fringe_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"--ORME. [No others count.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.
+
+BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.
+
+A STORY OF _THE_ SEX.
+
+    (By THOMAS OF WESSEX, Author of "Guess how a Murder feels,"
+    "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a Shoe," "One in
+    a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her," "The Flight of the
+    Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd," "A Lay o' Deceivers,"
+    &c.)
+
+    ["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this book,
+    "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life in modern
+    Wessex. It is well known, of course, that although I often
+    write agricultural novels, I invariably call a spade a spade,
+    and not an agricultural implement. Thus I am led to speak in
+    plain language of women, their misdoings, and their undoings.
+    Unstrained dialect is a speciality. If you want to know the
+    extent of Wessex, consult histories of the Heptarchy with
+    maps."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from the point
+where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards Icenhurst on its way
+to Wintoncester, having on one side the hamlet of Batton, on the
+other the larger town of Casterbridge, stands the farmhouse wherewith
+in this narrative we have to deal. There for generations had dwelt
+the rustic family of the PEEPS, handing down from father to son
+a well-stocked cow-shed and a tradition of rural virtues which
+yet excluded not an overgreat affection on the male side for the
+home-brewed ale and the homemade language in which, as is known,
+the Wessex peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose
+thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though ashamed of
+bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a degree of temperature
+not far removed from the zero-mark of the local Fahrenheit. Within,
+a fire of good Wessex logs crackled cheerily upon the hearth. Old
+ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of the fireplace, his figure yet telling
+a tale of former vigour. On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless,
+neutral, slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may
+find with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair between
+them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an absent inmate.
+A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an ancient clock that had
+ticked away the mortality of many a past and gone PEEP.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+[Illustration: {Bonduca Peep.}]
+
+"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his chair
+so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view. "Like enough
+she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird of a feller, TOM
+TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle round the hills. My soul,
+but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor slammick of a chap."
+
+Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like other
+realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle of
+infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet
+contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it must
+be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have stood as
+pressing concretions which chafe body and soul--a most disagreeable
+state of things, peculiar to the miserably passive existence of a
+Wessex peasant woman.
+
+"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak irrelevance.
+"She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men have bin after
+her--fourteen of 'em, all the best lads round about, some of 'em wi'
+bags and bags of gold to their names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be
+their lawful wedded wife."
+
+ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard lines
+of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist down upon his
+knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the richest, and let him carry
+BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks wear badly, and good characters be
+of no account; but the gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued,
+meditatively, "the old house could be new thatched, and you and me
+live like Lords and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in
+silks and satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles
+to our feet."
+
+POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and thoroughly
+understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of the Wessex peasant.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP--little BO PEEP was the name by which the
+country-folk all knew her--sat dreaming upon the hill-side, looking
+out with a premature woman's eyes upon the rich valley that stretched
+away to the horizon. The rest of the landscape was made up of
+agricultural scenes and incidents which the slightest knowledge of
+Wessex novels can fill in amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of
+dairymen, maidens to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the
+rich pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect, and
+gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as far as
+the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that Bo had that
+morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a flexuous and
+finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a vanished knight
+and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust now mouldered in many
+churchyards. There was about her an amplitude of curve which, joined
+to a certain luxuriance of moulding, betrayed her sex even to a
+careless observer. And when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic
+utterance in a monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of
+startling her relations into temporary propriety.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an amiable
+tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle behind her caused
+her to turn her head, and she saw a strange procession advancing over
+the parched fields where--[Two pages of field-scenery omitted.--ED.]
+One by one they toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply
+defined against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and
+full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled on
+some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its stamp. But
+what most distinguished these remarkable processionists in the clear
+noon of this winter day was that each one carried in her arms an
+infant. And each one, as she reached the place where the enthralled
+BONDUCA sat obliviscent of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid
+the baby down. First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an
+interval by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To
+them succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and Squire
+PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX, the Honourable
+LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY, brought up the rear.
+
+BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young life to
+be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm after all, and the
+audition of these squalling nurslings vexed her. What could the matter
+mean? No answer was given to these questionings. A man's figure,
+vast and terrible, appeared on the hill's brow, with a cruel look of
+triumph on his wicked face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered;
+the noble dames fled shrieking down the valley.
+
+"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in the
+spectrum of your young life."
+
+"Say those words quickly," she retorted.
+
+"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray, Broo-re-ray,
+Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA and his own imperfect
+tongue-power, "you are fooling me. Beware!"
+
+"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she bowed herself
+submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall therefore marry you.
+Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon her.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to
+come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself
+before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity.
+
+And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether rolled
+her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways
+of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic
+completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed,
+irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in it, and rustics
+danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were "blasted," like poor
+BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the calm nonchalance of a
+Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched into a world of reviews,
+where the multitude of readers is not as to their external
+displacements, but as to their subjective experiences.
+
+[THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW GALLERY.
+
+This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all shapes and
+sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the young Ladies:--
+
+No. 13. "_White Roses._" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns here, evidently,
+judging by the young woman's look of anguish. And this is the moral
+POYNTER points.
+
+No. 66. "_A War Cloud._" A Music-HALLE singing "_Rule Britannia!_"
+with proper dressings.
+
+No. 18. "_Paderewski._" Surely it ought to be PATTY REWSKY, with
+"Miss" before the name. _Moral_, "Get your hair cut!"
+
+No. 284. "_Nightfall in the Dauphinee._" "_Might_ fall," it ought to
+be, and no wonder if she walked about on so dark a night with such a
+load in her arms!
+
+No. 165. "_Che sara sara._" A pedestrian match in the Metropolis. In
+fact, _Walker, London_. A portrait of _Sarah_, after she has been
+let down into the punt, the shock having dislocated her shoulder. She
+might have kept _Col. Neal's_ clothes round her neck to hide her back.
+
+No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND KHNPFF. Our
+Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that he went out to get
+assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to pronounce the painter's
+name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now in a precarious state.
+Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant
+Sub-Critic, and a few extra Supernumerary Critics, then went in a
+body and looked at this young woman's head, apparently taken after
+an interview with Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all
+sides, and finally stood on their own, but they could not make head
+or tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning, and
+paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this journal.
+
+There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young Ladies, but
+those mentioned above are the most remarkable in the New Girlery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANY MAN TO ANY WOMAN.
+
+  O woman, in our hours of ease,
+  We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"
+  But when there's prospect of a row,
+  _You're_ best out of it anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, THAT TUNE!"
+
+A Sketch of an Unintentional and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie
+Collins.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO ARCHERS.--In the _P.M.G._ of Saturday last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in
+a signed article, criticises a book on "_How to Write a Good Play_, by
+FRANK ARCHER." In expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes
+Frank--unpleasantly Frank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RIDDLE.
+
+  While Publishers their fortunes make
+    And wax exceeding fat,
+  The Author still is like a rake.
+    Now, pray account for that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers
+    Out of this room, where we think more of ham
+  Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than HERKOMERS,
+    Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON with lamb,
+
+  Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and celery,
+    And not of the drawings at which we should look;
+  Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,
+    But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of "Cook."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+House of Commons, Monday, April 25.--Session resumed to-day after
+Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says, Session comes but Members
+linger. Not forty present when business commenced. "May as well go
+on." said the SPEAKER, whom everybody glad to see looking brisk and
+hearty after his holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."
+
+So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or
+enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got to
+business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to be measure
+involving closest interests of the great empire that CLIVE helped to
+make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after. Appearance of House suggestive
+rather of some local question affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney
+Marsh. Below Gangway, on Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present.
+Member for Oldham a sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space.
+Above Gangway RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE
+CURZON had Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing
+how cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite
+staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his looks,
+sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought. Pretty to
+see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made graceful allusion to
+his genius and statesmanlike conduct of affairs. "Approbation from Sir
+HUBERT STANLEY," as he later observed, "is praise indeed."
+
+[Illustration: "So-and-So."]
+
+Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above Gangway
+opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's vacant place
+as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party brimful of energy,
+enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopaedic knowledge--MORTON, SEYMOUR
+KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE
+OF CAMBORNE, who has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows
+all about India.
+
+Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN whilst
+he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS PELLY, who
+really knew something about India, and therefore would probably not
+have spoken had he been here to-night. A kindly, courteous, upright,
+valiant gentleman, who took a little too seriously the joke House had
+with him about the Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous
+speech on the question, with its graphic description of forced marches
+"from So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to
+So-forth."
+
+PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he, too, has
+made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on into the unmapped
+So-forth.
+
+MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous desolate House. Only one
+other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several speeches
+dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me will bear me out
+when I say--" Instant commotion below Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on
+his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against
+MORTON. All animated by desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth.
+He breathlessly explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and,
+they reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter end.
+
+Business done.--Practically none.
+
+Tuesday.--Amid the pomps and vanities of a wicked world there is
+something refreshing and reassuring in spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN
+ANNE'S GATE going about his daily business. One would describe him
+as childlike and bland, only for recollection that combination of
+harmless endearing epithet has been applied in another connection and
+might be misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that
+so accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to pose
+Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution. Wanted to know
+whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between months of September
+and December in present year, a Bill would be brought in to accelerate
+Registration? Terms of question being set forth on printed paper, not
+necessary for the SAGE to recite them. For this he seemed grateful.
+It relieved him from the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR
+by a reference to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt
+at being asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his
+seat--so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not impose his
+full height on the eyesight of the Minister--"begged to ask the FIRST
+LORD OF THE TREASURY Question No. 8."
+
+Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he looked at
+the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the question addressed
+to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually wanting to know something
+about the date of the Dissolution, and what would follow in certain
+contingencies. As a philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the
+vagaries of the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his
+large leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of
+doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number, indulging
+in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the contingency
+referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they had not even
+contemplated taking any steps to meet it.
+
+Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose, the
+Government would act in the manner he had suggested?
+
+No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in full view
+of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw that deduction from
+what he had said.
+
+[Illustration: Cap'n Birkbeck.]
+
+The House, having listened intently to this artless conversation,
+proceeded to business of the day, which happily included the adoption
+of a Resolution engaging the Government to connect with the mainland,
+by telephone or telegraph, the lighthouses and lightships that
+twinkle round our stormy coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved
+this Resolution, seconded from other side in admirable speech by
+MARJORIBANKS.
+
+Business done.--Excellent.
+
+Wednesday.--Much surprised, strolling down to House this afternoon,
+to find place in sort of state of siege. Policemen, policemen
+everywhere, and, as one sadly observed, "not a drop to drink." Haven't
+seen anything like it since KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops
+from his mane as he walked through Palace Yard, passing through
+enthusiastic crowd into House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts
+in Old Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old
+GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table, scene was
+somewhat similar.
+
+"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our able and
+indefatigable Superintendent striding about the Corridor, as NAPOLEON
+visited the outposts on the eve of Austerlitz.
+
+"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of them at
+St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman driven off at
+point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up; party of the name of
+BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on the flat of his back."
+
+"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for oratorical
+effort. But you seem to have got new men at the various posts?"
+
+"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice to whisper;
+"we've picked em out. Gone through the Force; mustered all the
+bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion of argument on Woman's
+Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night, floor nearly ankle-deep in
+loose hair. They don't get much off _my_ men," said HORSLEY, proudly.
+
+[Illustration: "So young and so iniquitous!"]
+
+Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably they had
+something to do with the almost disappointing result. Everything
+passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate had been India,
+or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million or two. Ladies locked
+up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with lime-lights playing on placards
+hung on walls enforcing "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH
+should come on early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had
+marvellously sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later,
+ASQUITH demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars,
+that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a shrill
+whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR, dexterously
+intervening, soothed the angry breast by his chivalrous advocacy of
+Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat there floated over the charmed
+House, coming "So young and so as it were from heavenly spheres above
+the iniquitous!" SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a
+man!"
+
+Business done.--Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected by 175 Votes against
+152.
+
+Friday Night.--Little sparring match between Front Benches. Mr.
+G. and all his merry men anxious, above all things, to know when
+Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR
+interested, but ignorant. Can't understand why people should always
+be talking about Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a
+sufficient majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the
+month of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence
+in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there will
+be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme. Let him
+contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and not trouble
+his head about indefinite details like Dissolutions.
+
+This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he became
+Leader.
+
+Business done.--None.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE WEATHER.
+
+  The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,
+    The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for tea.
+  It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;
+    Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and me.
+  With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent leather),
+    My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my hair,
+  Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the weather,
+    I am safe--the barometer points to "Set Fair."
+
+  So I'm off--why, what's that? Yes, by Jove, there's a sputter
+    Of rain on the pavement!--the sunshine retires;
+  And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to utter
+    The thoughts that this changeable weather inspires.
+  Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and disgusted;
+    In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt it again;
+  And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted
+    The barometer's index, which now points to "Rain."
+
+  Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and "bowler,"--
+    My STELLA thinks more of a man than his dress.
+  I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console her.
+    Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll love me no less.
+  Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy them--
+    Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing away!
+  The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry them.
+    Well, there, I give up, and retire for the day!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
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+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
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