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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14601-h.htm or 14601-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h/14601-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 102
+
+MAY 7, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+'ARRY ON WHEELS.
+
+[Illustration: Our 'Arry Laureate.]
+
+  DEAR CHARLIE,--Spring's on us at last, and a proper old April
+          we've 'ad,
+  Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made 'oliday makers
+          feel mad.
+  Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems somehow to take a
+          delight
+  In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was out of sheer
+          spite.
+
+  When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in orfice or
+          fact'ry, or shop,
+  The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller feels fair on the
+          'op;
+  But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings all round is
+          in train,
+  It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster of rain.
+
+  It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go as crooked as Z.
+  Feelosophers _may_ think it out, 'ARRY ain't got the 'eart, or the
+          'ead;
+  But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's fust laws, and
+          no kid.
+  If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good 'ealth and
+          _no_ quid!
+
+  'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good outing--on wheels;
+  For I've took to the bicycle, yus,--and can show a good many my
+          'eels.
+  You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a smooth bit of
+          straight road,
+  And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of wheeling, I'm
+          blowed.
+
+  Larks fust and larks larst is _my_ motter. Old RICHARDSON's rumbo
+          is rot.
+  Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts to a sanit'ry
+          pot;
+  But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty scenery, and
+          that,
+  As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly is not sech a
+          flat.
+
+  Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for good 'ealth,
+          I've no doubt
+  That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is mere turning
+          about,
+  Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, wheeling _as_
+          wheeling's 'ard work,
+  And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I always did
+          shirk.
+
+  _I_ ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with a chest 'ollered
+          out, and a 'ump,
+  Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or go slap off
+          their chump.
+  You don't ketch _me_ straining my 'eart till it cracks for a big
+          silver mug.
+  No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel cosy and snug.
+
+  Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up to champion form.
+  And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the Wheel-World
+          by storm,
+  Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' to lace up 'is
+          boot.
+  Let them go for _that_ game as are mind to, here's one as it
+          certn'y won't soot.
+
+  But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd 'ardly
+          emagine 'ow much,
+  If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and skyfoozled some
+          dawdling old Dutch.
+  Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly the doddering
+          old sort
+  As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! that makes
+          a'rf the sport!
+
+  'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled tremenjus at fust,
+  Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a thundering
+          thust;
+  I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling about on the loose,
+  As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and about as much
+          use.
+
+  Now I _don't_ like to look like a juggins, it's wot I carn't
+          stand, s'elp my bob;
+  But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, when I'm fair
+          on the job.
+  So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of grass and tall
+          trees,
+  Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer 'twas "go as
+          yer please."
+
+  They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as Solsberry Plain,
+  Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when it's welting with
+          rain;
+  Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and studyus old stodges
+          live there,
+  And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; but wot did _I_
+          care.
+
+  When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked 'em a smart bit
+          o' lip,
+  With a big D or two--for the ladies--and wosn't they soon on the
+          skip!
+  'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I could fair
+          feel my feet;
+  If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure it'll do you a
+          treat.
+
+  I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties don't run yer
+          much risk,
+  And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle along pooty brisk;
+  And _then_ came the barney, my bloater! I jined 'arf a dozen prime
+          pals,
+  And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, and espessh'lly
+          the gals.
+
+  No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, sportsman
+          form, and sech muck.
+  I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and trust to
+          pot-luck.
+  A rush twelve-a-breast _is_ a gammock, twelve squeakers a going
+          like one;
+  But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer sperrits, and
+          spile all the fun.
+
+  The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, mugs will keep
+          spouting it still;
+  But wot _is_ it to me and my mates, treadles loose, and a-chargin'
+          down 'ill?
+  Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, our 'owls,
+          women's shrieks, and men's swears!
+  Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a busting
+          down-stairs.
+
+  Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming girl's school on
+          the trot,
+  May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't _my_ form by a
+          lot.
+  Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the old buffers as
+          prowl
+  Along green country roads at their ease, till they're scared by my
+          squeak, or my 'owl?
+
+  My "alarm" _is_ a caution I tell yer; it sounds like some shrill
+          old macaw,
+  Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives yer a twist in
+          the jaw,
+  And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till I shake in my
+          socks
+  When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump like a
+          Jack-in-the-box.
+
+  I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray likewise, dear boy.
+  'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that chorus,--a boon
+          and a joy!
+  Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables jest makes me
+          bust;
+  When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus than the row
+          and the dust!
+
+  We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our spins out of town;
+  Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we just ladle it
+          down?
+  And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder well over the
+          wheel,
+  And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer I make the
+          thing squeal.
+
+  My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well back on my 'ed,
+  And my spine fairly _'umped_ to it, CHARLIE, and then carn't I
+          paint the town red?
+  They call me "The Camel" for that, _and_ my stomach-capas'ty for
+          "wet."
+  Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the liquor,--you
+          bet!
+
+  There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long squeals to the
+          _Times_ about hus.
+  They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! it's all
+          fidgets and fuss.
+  I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got no heye for a
+          lark.
+  _I_ know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and squirm if we makes
+          a remark.
+
+  If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em the haffable
+          nod;
+  Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being scowled at, it's
+          hodd.
+  Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although they may look a
+          mite shy;
+  It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or fie-fie.
+
+  We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of hus--BUGGINS and
+          me,
+  MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and TOFF JONES, and
+          MICK SHEE;
+  All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along comes a gurl on
+          a 'orse.
+  Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and gave 'er a
+          rouser, in course.
+
+  'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked so remarkable
+          rum,
+  That we _couldn't_ 'elp doing a larf, though the gurl wos
+          pertikler yum-yum;
+  We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a swell, and he
+          swore,
+  And--would you believe it, old pal?--went for BUGGINS, and give
+          'im wot for!!!
+
+  Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, surely, about sech
+          a hact!
+  Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere crackpots as
+          ain't got no tact.
+  We all did a guy like greased lightning; you _can_ when you're
+          once on your wheel--
+  Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls can do nothink
+          but squeal.
+
+  That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's beastly to
+          think a fine sport
+  And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be kiboshed by mugs of
+          that sort.
+  All boko! dear boy, those _Times_ letters! I mean the new barney
+          to carry,
+  As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their meddlesome mawleys orf
+
+'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
+
+Lady Clara Robinson (née Vere de Vere). "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS
+MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"
+
+Conductor. "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY DECAYED ARISTOCRACY
+TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS UP THEIR MANNERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.
+
+(AFTER A CELEBRATED MODEL.)
+
+COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892.
+
+    ["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
+    sonnets on the South-Eastern."--Mr. Barry Pain, "In the
+    Smoking-Room."]
+
+  Earth has not anything to show less fair:
+  Patient were he of soul who could pass by
+  A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry
+  Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,
+  Without one single, solitary swear.
+  The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,
+  The prompt "next platform" (which is all my eye),
+  The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;
+  Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,
+  Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one ill;
+  The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!
+  The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.
+  Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,
+  That the long humbugged Public stands it still?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.--A good combination of names is to be found in
+an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly,
+on the evening of May 11, to be given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr.
+A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made
+Concert." If REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give
+credit? _Solvitur ambulando_--that is, Walk in, and you'll find out.
+It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, "Master G.," who
+is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, as his REDDIE-witted
+companion playfully observes, "The youthful pianist will out-Erard
+ERARD."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CALL YOU THIS BACKING YOUR FRIENDS?"
+
+(BY A CONFUSED CONSERVATIVE.)
+
+  To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough rage,
+    Conservatism is as shield and fetter meant;
+  And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;
+    And RITCHIE tells us he approves of "Betterment"!
+  O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,
+  Is _this_ to be the end of all our dreams?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.
+
+    SCENE--Interior of a Foreign Law Court. Numerous officials in
+    attendance performing their various duties in an apprehensive
+    sort of way. Audience small but determined.
+
+_Judge_ (_nervously_). Now are we really protected from disturbance?
+
+_General in Command of Troops._ I think so. The Court House is
+surrounded by an Army Corps, and the Engineers find that the place has
+not been undermined to at least a distance of a thousand feet.
+
+_Judge_ (_somewhat reassured_). Well, now I think we may proceed with
+the trial. Admit the accused.
+
+    [_The Prisoner is bowed into the dock, and accommodated with
+    a comfortably cushioned arm-chair._
+
+_Prisoner._ Good morning. (_To Judge._) You can resume your hat.
+
+_Judge_ (_bowing to the Prisoner_). Accused, I am deeply honoured
+by your courtesy. I trust you have been comfortable in the State
+apartments that have been recently supplied to you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_firmly_). State apartment! Why it was a prison! You know
+it, _M. le Juge_, and you, Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses.
+(_The entire audience shudder apprehensively._) And, what is more, my
+friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and thrown into
+prison. Yes, they know that, and will act accordingly.
+
+_Judge_ (_tearfully_). I am sure none of us wished to offend you!
+
+_Members of the Bar_ (_in a breath_). Certainly not!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose you don't want
+any evidence. You have heard what I have said. You know that I regret
+having caused inconvenience to my innocent victims. They would forgive
+me for my innocent intentions. I only wished to save everybody by
+blowing everybody up.
+
+_The Court generally._ Yes, yes!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, I have just done. And now what say the Jury? Where
+are they?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury_ (_white with fear_). I am, Sir,--very pleased to
+see you, Sir,--hope you are well, Sir?
+
+_Prisoner_ (_condescendingly_). Tol lol. And now what do you say? am I
+Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We will talk it over,
+Sir--if you don't mind, Sir.
+
+_Prisoner._ I need not tell you that my friends outside take the
+greatest possible interest in your proceedings.
+
+_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Why, yes, Sir! The fact is we have all had
+anonymous letters daily, saying that we shall be blown out of house
+and home if we harm you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_laughing_). Oh, be under no apprehension. It is merely
+the circular of my friends. Only a compilation of hints for the
+guidance of the Gentlemen of the Jury.
+
+_Foreman._ Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that spirit.
+
+_Prisoner._ You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have surely had time to
+make up your minds. Do you find me Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman_ (_earnestly_). Why, Not Guilty, to be sure.
+
+_Judge._ Release the accused! Sir, you have my congratulations. Pray
+accept my distinguished consideration.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_coldly_). You are very good. And now adieu, and off to
+breakfast with what appetite ye may!
+
+_The Entire Court_ (_falling on their knees, and raising their hands
+in supplication_). Mercy, Sir! For pity's sake, mercy!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_fiercely_). Mercy! What, after I have been arrested!
+Mercy! after I have been cast into gaol!
+
+_Judge_ (_in tears._) They thought they were right. They were,
+doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the remainder of the row
+of houses! Can you not consider this a plea for extenuating
+circumstances?
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_sternly_). No. It was my business, not theirs. It
+was I who paid for the dynamite--not they. (_Preparing to leave the
+Court._) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my friends!
+
+_Judge_ (_following him to the door_). Nay, stay! See us--we kneel
+to you. (_To audience._) Kneel, friends, kneel! (_Everybody obeys the
+direction._) One last appeal! (_In a voice broken with emotion._) We
+all have Mothers!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_thunder-stricken_). You all have Mothers! I knew
+not this. I pardon you! [_The audience utter shouts of joy, and
+the Ex-Prisoner extends his hands towards them in the attitude of
+benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HESITATION.
+
+Russian Recruiting Sergeant.. "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS
+LAD, TAKE THE IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN
+YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY FAMILIAR FRIEND
+FOR THE R.A. SEASON.
+
+[Illustration: No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror, privately
+practicing production of glass bowl full of water from nowhere in
+particular; a subject not unnaturally associated with the name of
+Waterhouse, A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the
+Iron's hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a hit
+immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes, A. (and "A. 1,"
+adds _Mr. P._), prepare to receive congratulations!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow
+shower-bath? by G.F. Watts, R.A.]
+
+No. 16. It is called "_A Toast._ By AGNES E. WALKER." It should be
+called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to represent an eminent
+tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, &c., when staying at home, and
+taking the mixture as before.
+
+No. 19. A musical subject, "_The Open C._" By HENRY MOORE, A.
+
+No. 24. "_Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too much._" Black
+Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a row. The person who "calls
+himself a Gentleman" is seen as a retiring person in another mirror.
+ETTORE TITO.
+
+No. 40. _Little Bo Peep after Lunch_, supported by a tree. Early
+intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come home, leave tails
+b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.
+
+No. 56. _Ben Ledi._ This is a puzzle picture by Mr. JAMES ELLIOT. Of
+course there is in it, somewhere or other, a portrait of the eminent
+Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find him.
+
+No. 83. "_The Coming Sneeze._" Picture of a Lady evidently saying, "Oh
+dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. BENHAM.
+
+No. 89. "_Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN Point._"
+JOHN PETTIE, R.A.
+
+No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a bald-headed
+bust, and singing to a maiden, "_Get your Hair Cut!_" RALPH PEACOCK.
+
+No. 97. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!_" "Must hide it
+before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.
+
+No. 102. "_Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn Tennis
+Player._" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie Bridge man.
+
+No. 105. "_Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it._" _Vide Sam Weller._
+"JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"
+
+No. 107. "_Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing Dairymaid._" Taken
+in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him several inches of canvas, and
+he'll take a NELL) as she was about to put a little water out of the
+stream into the fresh milk pail.
+
+[Illustration: No. 212. "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you
+are, indeed! Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most
+expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if the confounded
+cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten to send my right gauntlet!" John
+Pettie, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 173. "A First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor,
+Mr. Gommersal of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the
+Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the author of the
+Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The Battle of Waterloo' was
+seated finishing the last Act. 'What do you think of this?' asked Mr.
+G., triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the author, sharply.
+'What!' exclaimed the astonished veteran, 'do you mean to say my
+make-up for Napoleon isn't good! Well I'm ----' 'You will be, if
+you appear like that,' interrupted the author decisively,"--Vide
+_Widdicomb's History of the Battle of Waterloo at Astley's_. W.Q.
+Orchardson, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of
+Illustration. Interval during change of costume. "Behold these
+graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.]
+
+No. 130. _A (Sir Donald) Currie_, admirably done in P. and O. (Paint
+and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A wealth of
+colour. The subject is this:--After an ample school-feast, the girls
+sat drowsily under an orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled
+by the appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy Jane," cried
+Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt yer, 'ee only comes from the
+Lowther Harkade." Sir Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.]
+
+No. 211. "_Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind._"--_As You Like It._ But we
+_don't_ like it--we mean, the wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and
+dreary! We suppose that in order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must
+have been thoroughly wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir
+J.E. MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.
+
+No. 228. "_The Great Auk's Egg._" "Auk-ward moment: is it genuine or
+not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably been auk'd about
+before, genuine or not There'll be a _great tauk (!)_ about it," says
+H.S. MARKS, R.A.
+
+  No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow here,
+  Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a sheep."
+
+_Old Song_, illustrated by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 458. "Peas and War." Club Committee ordering
+dinner. See corner figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The
+Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r remonstrates
+strongly, "What! not have peas? Nonsense!" That's how the row began,
+and they "gave him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and
+managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody; which the
+limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.]
+
+No. 250. "_Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early in the Ear._"
+"She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to herself, 'Shall I have many
+dances this season?' 'You've got a ball in hand,' whispered small and
+early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand
+is indeed worth a whisper in the ear.'" _From the Greek of Akephalos._
+W. ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.
+
+No. 272. _The Flying Farini Family._ Nothing like bringing 'em up to
+the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 290. "_Sittin' and Satin._" IRLAM BRIGGS. [N.B.--_Mr. P._ always
+delighted to welcome the immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of
+JOHN LEECH's boys drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,--hung!]
+
+No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking directly at
+the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the right man in the right
+place, _i.e., on the line_." Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.
+
+No. 311. _Popping in on them_, in not quite a friendly way, by Very
+Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.
+
+No. 317. "_Strong Op-inions._" A Political Picture by a Liberal
+Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.
+
+No. 342. _A Person sitting uprightly._ By BENTLEY.
+
+No. 351. "_Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!_" By J.T.
+NETTLESHIP.
+
+No. 373. "_There is a Flower that bloometh._" The Mayor of AVON, as he
+appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 412. "_Hush a bye, Bibby!_" Capital picture, speaks for itself. "I
+know that man, he comes from--Liverpool." Brought here by LUKE FILDES,
+R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 699. "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not
+caught yet. C.N. Henry.]
+
+No. 440. "_Poppylar Error._" _Old Lady_ (_loq._). "Oh, dear! I've
+eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up poppies, and I do feel so--Oh! I feel
+my colour is gradually PALIN (W.M.)."
+
+[Illustration: No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a
+boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.--Your eye is sure to be caught by
+this Hook. But the picture must be looked at from our point of view,
+from the opposite side of the room.]]
+
+No. 502. "_What, no Soap!_" She may appear a trifle cracky, but no one
+can say that this picture represents her as having gone "clean mad."
+ANNA BILINSKA.
+
+No. 553. _Margate Sands in Ancient Times_. Cruel conduct of an Ancient
+Warrior towards a young lady who refused to bathe in the sea. Full of
+life by E.M. HALE (and Hearty).
+
+No. 575. "_Poor Thing!_" Touching picture of ideal patient in Æsthetic
+Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.
+
+No. 636. "_A Clever Examiner drawing him out._" [N.B.--This ought to
+have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.
+
+No. 686. _Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq._ The Artist has, of
+course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but little here below,"
+but he doesn't get anything at all, being cut off, so to speak, in his
+prime about the second shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken
+before the Artist at "Pettie Sessions."
+
+No. 1041. "_Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King Charles's
+Martyrdom._" FRED HALL.
+
+SCULPTURE.--The descriptions in the Guide are too painful. We prefer
+not, to give any names, but here are specimens:--"Mr. So-and-so, _to
+be executed in bronze_"; "The late Thingummy--_bust_!" These will
+suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "_All Three going to Bath_" by GEORGE
+FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means least, a very good likeness
+of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY, R.A., and while we think of it, we'll
+treat him as a cabman and "take his number," which it's 1941, done by
+JOHN ADAMS-ACTON, and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude
+our pick of the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with
+_one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARS LONGA.
+
+  Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of May,
+  That is "ART," which you start with a thundering A.
+  Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete way.
+  Some think "art" would impart all the work of to-day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.
+
+"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR--AND THOSE ARE HIS CHILDREN!"
+
+"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"
+
+"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE UGLY ONES
+THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+Mr. P.C. BULL, _loquitur_:--
+
+  Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,
+    From lands less free! I grudge you room
+  Among my hosts of honest workers.
+    Had I the settling of your doom,
+  Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.
+  As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.
+
+  A Land of Liberty! Precisely.
+    And curs of that advantage take.
+  But, if you want my tip concisely,--
+    We hate the wolf and loathe the snake:
+  And as you seem a blend of both,
+  To crush you I'd be little loth.
+
+  Freedom we love, and, to secure it,
+    Take rough and smooth with constant mind.
+  Espionage? We ill endure it,
+    But Liberty need not be blind.
+  Sorrow's asylum is our isle;
+  But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.
+
+  To flout that isle foes are not chary,
+    When of its shelter not in need;
+  But, when in search of sanctuary,
+    They fly thereto with wondrous speed.
+  Asylum? Ay! But learn--in time--
+  'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.
+
+  Foes dub me sinister, satanic,
+    A friend of Nihilists and knaves;
+  Because I will not let mere panic
+    Rob me of sympathy with slaves,
+  And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!
+  Their railings will not make me budge.
+
+  I've taken up my stand for freedom,
+    I'll jackal to no autocrat;
+  But rogues with hands as red as Edom,
+    Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,
+  I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.
+  I have no sympathy with vermin.
+
+  Doors open, welcome hospitable
+    For all, unchallenged, is my style;
+  But trust not to the fatuous fable
+    That _Caliban_'s free of my isle
+  With prosperous _Prospero's_ free consent.
+  Such lies mad autocrats invent.
+
+  Such for some centuries they've been telling,
+    Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush
+  Upon the threshold of my dwelling,
+    But shall not join a purblind rush
+  Of panic-stricken fools to play
+  The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!
+
+  But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,
+    Who, frightened now by those you'd fright,
+  Would fain slink off among the shadows,
+    To plot out further deeds of night,
+  Our isle's immunity you boast!--
+  You're reckoning without your host.
+
+  I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries
+    I think you'll find it hard to scare;
+  _We_ worship no Anarchic furies,
+    For menace are not wont to care,
+  Here red-caught Crime in vain advances
+  "Extenuating Circumstances!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUPLET BY A CYNIC.
+
+(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show.)
+
+  Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks
+  Whilst it gives Private Views--of Pretty Frocks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORLD ON WHEELS.
+
+MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world on a
+bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new social force."
+Possibly. But certain writers to the _Times_ on "The Tyranny of the
+Road," seem to prove that it is also a new _anti_-social force, when
+it frightens horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb,
+we may say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"--well, all over
+the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain. Whilst
+welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not allow the
+"new social force" to develop into a new social despotism. To put it
+pointedly:--
+
+  We welcome these new steeds of steel,
+    (In spite of whistles and of "squealers,")
+  But cannot have the common weal
+    _Too_ much disturbed by common "Wheelers"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.--After the Presidential orations, the
+success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's speech. His audience
+were delighted at being thus "butchered to make" an artistic
+"holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed his regret that "the House
+of Commons did not possess a Hanging Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we
+now and again hear of a Member being "suspended" for some considerable
+time? On such occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There
+was one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged
+with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to himself,
+as, meditating many things, he stood by the much-sounding soda-water,
+"Odd! a lot of speeches; and yet,--_not a word about Orme!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!--VE SHALL NOT BE INTERRUPT IN ZIS
+FREE ENGLAND!"
+
+BULL A1 (_sotto voce_). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO! YOU'LL FIND NO
+_EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES_ HERE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.
+
+BY MRS. PAYLEY.
+
+III.--THE CHOICE OF A POSE.
+
+[Illustration: {Young girl, posing.}]
+
+All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression which
+they wish to create. The natural girl is always either impolite
+or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl who appears
+artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural, and to appear
+natural, is the end at which the young girl should aim. Much, then,
+will depend on the choice of a pose. It should be suitable; there
+should be something in your appearance and abilities to support the
+illusion. I once knew a fat girl, with red hair (the _wrong_ red), &
+good appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the romantic
+pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was quite unable
+to look the part. If she had done the Capital Housekeeper, or the
+Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have married a middle-aged Rector.
+She threw away her chances by choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same
+time the reasons for your choice should never be obvious. There was
+another case, which amused me slightly--a dark girl, with fine eyes.
+She was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some accident
+in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to walk with a stick,
+and her back was bent. She posed as a man-hater. The part suited her
+well enough, for she had rather a pretty wit. "But," I said to her,
+"it is too plainly a case of the fox and the grapes; you hate men
+because you are a cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She
+did not take this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she
+has never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite true.
+She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with love; if you
+ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as well get a wooden
+heart at the same time. But her pose was too obvious--ridiculously
+obvious. She would have done better with something in the way of a
+religious enthusiasm--something very mystical. It would have been
+impressive.
+
+In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards supporting her
+pose; but she must have the intuitions and perceptions of an artist.
+
+The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl in
+London is not naturally child-like. There should be a suggestion
+of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be simple, loose and
+sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon round its neck; say that you
+like chocolate-creams; open your eyes very wide, and suck the tip of
+one finger occasionally. Let your manner generally vary between the
+pensive and the mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially
+of things which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt
+this pose unless your figure is _mignon_ and your complexion pink. Do
+not be _too_ realistic; never be sticky or dirty--men do not care for
+it.
+
+A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is that of
+"the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly the result of
+liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul. The dress should be
+sombre, trailing, and rather distraught: there is a way of arranging
+a _fichu_ which of itself suggests that the heart beneath it is
+blighted. If you happen to possess a few ornaments which are not
+too expensive, distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a
+repressed voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let
+it be known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to
+spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one flower;
+occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you hear music.
+The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower middle-classes, but
+wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir, which either never opens or
+never comes off. Smile sometimes, of course; but be careful to smile
+unnaturally. On all festive occasions divide your time between your
+bedroom and the churchyard.
+
+Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you have
+no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of the
+philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid will be
+your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate in the homes
+of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and, on returning, to
+disseminate in the homes of the rich some of the diseases of the poor.
+Everything about you must be flat; your hats, hair and heels must be
+flat; your denials must be particularly flat. Always take your meals
+in your jacket and a hurry, never with the rest of your family; never
+have time to eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.
+
+I cannot understand why any girl should object to the assumption of
+a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that she preferred to be
+what she seemed to be. She was an exceptional case; I disbelieved in
+her protestations that she was perfectly natural, and managed to get
+some opportunities for observation when she did not know that she was
+observed. I must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to
+get married--suburban happiness and no position--but, as I said, she
+was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I should never have been
+married if I had seemed to be what I really was. I cannot understand
+this desire to be natural--it _is_ so affected.
+
+My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In spite of my
+disclaimer last week, I have been asked several questions which are
+not connected with Sentiment and Propriety. "BELLADONNA" asks my
+advice on rather a delicate case; she is almost engaged to a man, A.,
+and her greatest friend is a girl, B. Happening, the other day, to
+open B.'s Diary by mistake for her own, she discovered that B. is
+also very much in love with A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think
+the most honourable course would be to report in her own Diary a
+statement by A. that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B.
+might mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she
+cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has read
+"BELLADONNA's" Diary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.
+
+SCENE I.--_At the Haymarket.--Darkness visible. Out of it come
+Voices._
+
+_First Voice_ (_probably on stage_). "_Who's there?_"
+
+_Second V._ (_probably in auditorium_). I can't see. Is it TREE?
+
+_Third V._ "_Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself._"
+
+_Fourth V._ I wish I could unfold the seat to let people pass.
+
+_Third V._ "_You come most carefully upon your hour._"
+
+_Fourth V._ Why on earth can't people be more punctual?
+
+_First V._ "_'Tis now struck twelve._"
+
+_Fourth V._ About a dozen people have hit my head scrambling past in
+the dark.
+
+_Third V._ "_For this relief much thanks._"
+
+_Fourth V._ They seem to have got in at last.
+
+_Third V._ "_'Tis bitter cold._"
+
+_Fifth V._ Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send away the ghost, and
+turn up the lights.
+
+_Third V._ "_Not a mouse stirring._" [_Crash._
+
+_Sixth V._ There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a job to find it.
+
+_Third V._ "_Stand, ho!_"
+
+_Seventh V._ Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware that you're standing
+on my foot?
+
+_Third V._ "BERNARDO _has my place._"
+
+_Sixth V._ Here's someone taken my seat!
+
+_First V._ "_What, is_ HORATIO _there?_"
+
+_Eighth V._ Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't see you--but now
+the light's a bit up--(_&c., &c._).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRITERION OF MORALS.--Astutely doing "The Puff Preliminary" in a
+letter to the papers before the production of _The Fringe of Society_
+(i.e., _Le Demi-monde_ freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes
+that "there is no such class, in any recognisable degree, as the
+_demi-monde_ in England." "Recognisable" is good, very good, it saves
+the situation, as of course the _demi-monde_ is _not_, on any account,
+to be recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of the
+world which never knows what the other half is doing. If _The Fringe_,
+as it at first went in to the Licenser, had to be trimmed, CHARLES our
+Friend might have announced his latest version as re-"adapted from the
+_Fringe_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"--ORME. [No others count.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.
+
+BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.
+
+A STORY OF _THE_ SEX.
+
+    (By THOMAS OF WESSEX, Author of "Guess how a Murder feels,"
+    "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a Shoe," "One in
+    a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her," "The Flight of the
+    Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd," "A Lay o' Deceivers,"
+    &c.)
+
+    ["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this book,
+    "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life in modern
+    Wessex. It is well known, of course, that although I often
+    write agricultural novels, I invariably call a spade a spade,
+    and not an agricultural implement. Thus I am led to speak in
+    plain language of women, their misdoings, and their undoings.
+    Unstrained dialect is a speciality. If you want to know the
+    extent of Wessex, consult histories of the Heptarchy with
+    maps."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from the point
+where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards Icenhurst on its way
+to Wintoncester, having on one side the hamlet of Batton, on the
+other the larger town of Casterbridge, stands the farmhouse wherewith
+in this narrative we have to deal. There for generations had dwelt
+the rustic family of the PEEPS, handing down from father to son
+a well-stocked cow-shed and a tradition of rural virtues which
+yet excluded not an overgreat affection on the male side for the
+home-brewed ale and the homemade language in which, as is known,
+the Wessex peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose
+thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though ashamed of
+bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a degree of temperature
+not far removed from the zero-mark of the local Fahrenheit. Within,
+a fire of good Wessex logs crackled cheerily upon the hearth. Old
+ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of the fireplace, his figure yet telling
+a tale of former vigour. On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless,
+neutral, slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may
+find with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair between
+them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an absent inmate.
+A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an ancient clock that had
+ticked away the mortality of many a past and gone PEEP.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+[Illustration: {Bonduca Peep.}]
+
+"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his chair
+so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view. "Like enough
+she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird of a feller, TOM
+TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle round the hills. My soul,
+but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor slammick of a chap."
+
+Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like other
+realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle of
+infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet
+contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it must
+be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have stood as
+pressing concretions which chafe body and soul--a most disagreeable
+state of things, peculiar to the miserably passive existence of a
+Wessex peasant woman.
+
+"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak irrelevance.
+"She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men have bin after
+her--fourteen of 'em, all the best lads round about, some of 'em wi'
+bags and bags of gold to their names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be
+their lawful wedded wife."
+
+ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard lines
+of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist down upon his
+knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the richest, and let him carry
+BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks wear badly, and good characters be
+of no account; but the gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued,
+meditatively, "the old house could be new thatched, and you and me
+live like Lords and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in
+silks and satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles
+to our feet."
+
+POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and thoroughly
+understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of the Wessex peasant.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP--little BO PEEP was the name by which the
+country-folk all knew her--sat dreaming upon the hill-side, looking
+out with a premature woman's eyes upon the rich valley that stretched
+away to the horizon. The rest of the landscape was made up of
+agricultural scenes and incidents which the slightest knowledge of
+Wessex novels can fill in amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of
+dairymen, maidens to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the
+rich pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect, and
+gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as far as
+the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that Bo had that
+morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a flexuous and
+finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a vanished knight
+and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust now mouldered in many
+churchyards. There was about her an amplitude of curve which, joined
+to a certain luxuriance of moulding, betrayed her sex even to a
+careless observer. And when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic
+utterance in a monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of
+startling her relations into temporary propriety.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an amiable
+tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle behind her caused
+her to turn her head, and she saw a strange procession advancing over
+the parched fields where--[Two pages of field-scenery omitted.--ED.]
+One by one they toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply
+defined against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and
+full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled on
+some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its stamp. But
+what most distinguished these remarkable processionists in the clear
+noon of this winter day was that each one carried in her arms an
+infant. And each one, as she reached the place where the enthralled
+BONDUCA sat obliviscent of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid
+the baby down. First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an
+interval by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To
+them succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and Squire
+PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX, the Honourable
+LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY, brought up the rear.
+
+BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young life to
+be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm after all, and the
+audition of these squalling nurslings vexed her. What could the matter
+mean? No answer was given to these questionings. A man's figure,
+vast and terrible, appeared on the hill's brow, with a cruel look of
+triumph on his wicked face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered;
+the noble dames fled shrieking down the valley.
+
+"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in the
+spectrum of your young life."
+
+"Say those words quickly," she retorted.
+
+"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray, Broo-re-ray,
+Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA and his own imperfect
+tongue-power, "you are fooling me. Beware!"
+
+"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she bowed herself
+submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall therefore marry you.
+Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon her.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to
+come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself
+before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity.
+
+And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether rolled
+her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways
+of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic
+completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed,
+irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in it, and rustics
+danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were "blasted," like poor
+BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the calm nonchalance of a
+Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched into a world of reviews,
+where the multitude of readers is not as to their external
+displacements, but as to their subjective experiences.
+
+[THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW GALLERY.
+
+This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all shapes and
+sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the young Ladies:--
+
+No. 13. "_White Roses._" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns here, evidently,
+judging by the young woman's look of anguish. And this is the moral
+POYNTER points.
+
+No. 66. "_A War Cloud._" A Music-HALLÉ singing "_Rule Britannia!_"
+with proper dressings.
+
+No. 18. "_Paderewski._" Surely it ought to be PATTY REWSKY, with
+"Miss" before the name. _Moral_, "Get your hair cut!"
+
+No. 284. "_Nightfall in the Dauphinée._" "_Might_ fall," it ought to
+be, and no wonder if she walked about on so dark a night with such a
+load in her arms!
+
+No. 165. "_Che sara sara._" A pedestrian match in the Metropolis. In
+fact, _Walker, London_. A portrait of _Sarah_, after she has been
+let down into the punt, the shock having dislocated her shoulder. She
+might have kept _Col. Neal's_ clothes round her neck to hide her back.
+
+No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND KHNPFF. Our
+Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that he went out to get
+assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to pronounce the painter's
+name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now in a precarious state.
+Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant
+Sub-Critic, and a few extra Supernumerary Critics, then went in a
+body and looked at this young woman's head, apparently taken after
+an interview with Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all
+sides, and finally stood on their own, but they could not make head
+or tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning, and
+paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this journal.
+
+There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young Ladies, but
+those mentioned above are the most remarkable in the New Girlery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANY MAN TO ANY WOMAN.
+
+  O woman, in our hours of ease,
+  We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"
+  But when there's prospect of a row,
+  _You're_ best out of it anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, THAT TUNE!"
+
+A Sketch of an Unintentional and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie
+Collins.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO ARCHERS.--In the _P.M.G._ of Saturday last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in
+a signed article, criticises a book on "_How to Write a Good Play_, by
+FRANK ARCHER." In expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes
+Frank--unpleasantly Frank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RIDDLE.
+
+  While Publishers their fortunes make
+    And wax exceeding fat,
+  The Author still is like a rake.
+    Now, pray account for that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers
+    Out of this room, where we think more of ham
+  Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than HERKOMERS,
+    Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON with lamb,
+
+  Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and celery,
+    And not of the drawings at which we should look;
+  Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,
+    But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of "Cook."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+House of Commons, Monday, April 25.--Session resumed to-day after
+Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says, Session comes but Members
+linger. Not forty present when business commenced. "May as well go
+on." said the SPEAKER, whom everybody glad to see looking brisk and
+hearty after his holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."
+
+So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or
+enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got to
+business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to be measure
+involving closest interests of the great empire that CLIVE helped to
+make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after. Appearance of House suggestive
+rather of some local question affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney
+Marsh. Below Gangway, on Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present.
+Member for Oldham a sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space.
+Above Gangway RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE
+CURZON had Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing
+how cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite
+staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his looks,
+sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought. Pretty to
+see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made graceful allusion to
+his genius and statesmanlike conduct of affairs. "Approbation from Sir
+HUBERT STANLEY," as he later observed, "is praise indeed."
+
+[Illustration: "So-and-So."]
+
+Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above Gangway
+opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's vacant place
+as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party brimful of energy,
+enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopædic knowledge--MORTON, SEYMOUR
+KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE
+OF CAMBORNE, who has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows
+all about India.
+
+Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN whilst
+he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS PELLY, who
+really knew something about India, and therefore would probably not
+have spoken had he been here to-night. A kindly, courteous, upright,
+valiant gentleman, who took a little too seriously the joke House had
+with him about the Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous
+speech on the question, with its graphic description of forced marches
+"from So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to
+So-forth."
+
+PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he, too, has
+made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on into the unmapped
+So-forth.
+
+MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous desolate House. Only one
+other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several speeches
+dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me will bear me out
+when I say--" Instant commotion below Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on
+his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against
+MORTON. All animated by desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth.
+He breathlessly explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and,
+they reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter end.
+
+Business done.--Practically none.
+
+Tuesday.--Amid the pomps and vanities of a wicked world there is
+something refreshing and reassuring in spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN
+ANNE'S GATE going about his daily business. One would describe him
+as childlike and bland, only for recollection that combination of
+harmless endearing epithet has been applied in another connection and
+might be misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that
+so accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to pose
+Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution. Wanted to know
+whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between months of September
+and December in present year, a Bill would be brought in to accelerate
+Registration? Terms of question being set forth on printed paper, not
+necessary for the SAGE to recite them. For this he seemed grateful.
+It relieved him from the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR
+by a reference to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt
+at being asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his
+seat--so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not impose his
+full height on the eyesight of the Minister--"begged to ask the FIRST
+LORD OF THE TREASURY Question No. 8."
+
+Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he looked at
+the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the question addressed
+to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually wanting to know something
+about the date of the Dissolution, and what would follow in certain
+contingencies. As a philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the
+vagaries of the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his
+large leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of
+doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number, indulging
+in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the contingency
+referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they had not even
+contemplated taking any steps to meet it.
+
+Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose, the
+Government would act in the manner he had suggested?
+
+No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in full view
+of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw that deduction from
+what he had said.
+
+[Illustration: Cap'n Birkbeck.]
+
+The House, having listened intently to this artless conversation,
+proceeded to business of the day, which happily included the adoption
+of a Resolution engaging the Government to connect with the mainland,
+by telephone or telegraph, the lighthouses and lightships that
+twinkle round our stormy coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved
+this Resolution, seconded from other side in admirable speech by
+MARJORIBANKS.
+
+Business done.--Excellent.
+
+Wednesday.--Much surprised, strolling down to House this afternoon,
+to find place in sort of state of siege. Policemen, policemen
+everywhere, and, as one sadly observed, "not a drop to drink." Haven't
+seen anything like it since KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops
+from his mane as he walked through Palace Yard, passing through
+enthusiastic crowd into House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts
+in Old Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old
+GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table, scene was
+somewhat similar.
+
+"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our able and
+indefatigable Superintendent striding about the Corridor, as NAPOLEON
+visited the outposts on the eve of Austerlitz.
+
+"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of them at
+St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman driven off at
+point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up; party of the name of
+BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on the flat of his back."
+
+"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for oratorical
+effort. But you seem to have got new men at the various posts?"
+
+"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice to whisper;
+"we've picked em out. Gone through the Force; mustered all the
+bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion of argument on Woman's
+Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night, floor nearly ankle-deep in
+loose hair. They don't get much off _my_ men," said HORSLEY, proudly.
+
+[Illustration: "So young and so iniquitous!"]
+
+Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably they had
+something to do with the almost disappointing result. Everything
+passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate had been India,
+or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million or two. Ladies locked
+up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with lime-lights playing on placards
+hung on walls enforcing "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH
+should come on early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had
+marvellously sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later,
+ASQUITH demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars,
+that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a shrill
+whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR, dexterously
+intervening, soothed the angry breast by his chivalrous advocacy of
+Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat there floated over the charmed
+House, coming "So young and so as it were from heavenly spheres above
+the iniquitous!" SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a
+man!"
+
+Business done.--Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected by 175 Votes against
+152.
+
+Friday Night.--Little sparring match between Front Benches. Mr.
+G. and all his merry men anxious, above all things, to know when
+Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR
+interested, but ignorant. Can't understand why people should always
+be talking about Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a
+sufficient majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the
+month of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence
+in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there will
+be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme. Let him
+contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and not trouble
+his head about indefinite details like Dissolutions.
+
+This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he became
+Leader.
+
+Business done.--None.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE WEATHER.
+
+  The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,
+    The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for tea.
+  It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;
+    Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and me.
+  With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent leather),
+    My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my hair,
+  Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the weather,
+    I am safe--the barometer points to "Set Fair."
+
+  So I'm off--why, what's that? Yes, by Jove, there's a sputter
+    Of rain on the pavement!--the sunshine retires;
+  And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to utter
+    The thoughts that this changeable weather inspires.
+  Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and disgusted;
+    In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt it again;
+  And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted
+    The barometer's index, which now points to "Rain."
+
+  Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and "bowler,"--
+    My STELLA thinks more of a man than his dress.
+  I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console her.
+    Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll love me no less.
+  Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy them--
+    Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing away!
+  The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry them.
+    Well, there, I give up, and retire for the day!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 ***</div>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102,
+May 7, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1>
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 102.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>May 7, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page217"
+       id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span>
+
+    <h2>'ARRY ON WHEELS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/217.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/217.png"
+             alt="Our 'Arry Laureate." /></a>Our 'Arry Laureate.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>DEAR CHARLIE,&mdash;Spring's on us at last, and a
+            proper old April we've 'ad,</p>
+
+            <p>Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made
+            'oliday makers feel mad.</p>
+
+            <p>Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems
+            somehow to take a delight</p>
+
+            <p>In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was
+            out of sheer spite.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in
+            orfice or fact'ry, or shop,</p>
+
+            <p>The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller
+            feels fair on the 'op;</p>
+
+            <p>But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings
+            all round is in train,</p>
+
+            <p>It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster
+            of rain.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go
+            as crooked as Z.</p>
+
+            <p>Feelosophers <i>may</i> think it out, 'ARRY ain't
+            got the 'eart, or the 'ead;</p>
+
+            <p>But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's
+            fust laws, and no kid.</p>
+
+            <p>If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good
+            'ealth and <i>no</i> quid!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good
+            outing&mdash;on wheels;</p>
+
+            <p>For I've took to the bicycle, yus,&mdash;and can
+            show a good many my 'eels.</p>
+
+            <p>You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a
+            smooth bit of straight road,</p>
+
+            <p>And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of
+            wheeling, I'm blowed.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Larks fust and larks larst is <i>my</i> motter. Old
+            RICHARDSON's rumbo is rot.</p>
+
+            <p>Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts
+            to a sanit'ry pot;</p>
+
+            <p>But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty
+            scenery, and that,</p>
+
+            <p>As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly
+            is not sech a flat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for
+            good 'ealth, I've no doubt</p>
+
+            <p>That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is
+            mere turning about,</p>
+
+            <p>Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No,
+            wheeling <i>as</i> wheeling's 'ard work,</p>
+
+            <p>And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I
+            always did shirk.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>I</i> ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with
+            a chest 'ollered out, and a 'ump,</p>
+
+            <p>Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or
+            go slap off their chump.</p>
+
+            <p>You don't ketch <i>me</i> straining my 'eart till it
+            cracks for a big silver mug.</p>
+
+            <p>No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel
+            cosy and snug.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up
+            to champion form.</p>
+
+            <p>And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the
+            Wheel-World by storm,</p>
+
+            <p>Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin'
+            to lace up 'is boot.</p>
+
+            <p>Let them go for <i>that</i> game as are mind to,
+            here's one as it certn'y won't soot.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd
+            'ardly emagine 'ow much,</p>
+
+            <p>If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and
+            skyfoozled some dawdling old Dutch.</p>
+
+            <p>Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly
+            the doddering old sort</p>
+
+            <p>As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it!
+            that makes a'rf the sport!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled
+            tremenjus at fust,</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a
+            thundering thust;</p>
+
+            <p>I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling
+            about on the loose,</p>
+
+            <p>As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and
+            about as much use.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now I <i>don't</i> like to look like a juggins, it's
+            wot I carn't stand, s'elp my bob;</p>
+
+            <p>But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal,
+            when I'm fair on the job.</p>
+
+            <p>So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of
+            grass and tall trees,</p>
+
+            <p>Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer
+            'twas "go as yer please."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as
+            Solsberry Plain,</p>
+
+            <p>Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when
+            it's welting with rain;</p>
+
+            <p>Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and
+            studyus old stodges live there,</p>
+
+            <p>And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel;
+            but wot did <i>I</i> care.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked
+            'em a smart bit o' lip,</p>
+
+            <p>With a big D or two&mdash;for the ladies&mdash;and
+            wosn't they soon on the skip!</p>
+
+            <p>'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I
+            could fair feel my feet;</p>
+
+            <p>If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure
+            it'll do you a treat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties
+            don't run yer much risk,</p>
+
+            <p>And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle
+            along pooty brisk;</p>
+
+            <p>And <i>then</i> came the barney, my bloater! I jined
+            'arf a dozen prime pals,</p>
+
+            <p>And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts,
+            and espessh'lly the gals.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules,
+            sportsman form, and sech muck.</p>
+
+            <p>I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and
+            trust to pot-luck.</p>
+
+            <p>A rush twelve-a-breast <i>is</i> a gammock, twelve
+            squeakers a going like one;</p>
+
+            <p>But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer
+            sperrits, and spile all the fun.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well,
+            mugs will keep spouting it still;</p>
+
+            <p>But wot <i>is</i> it to me and my mates, treadles
+            loose, and a-chargin' down 'ill?</p>
+
+            <p>Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers,
+            our 'owls, women's shrieks, and men's swears!</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a
+            busting down-stairs.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming
+            girl's school on the trot,</p>
+
+            <p>May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't
+            <i>my</i> form by a lot.</p>
+
+            <p>Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the
+            old buffers as prowl</p>
+
+            <p>Along green country roads at their ease, till
+            they're scared by my squeak, or my 'owl?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My "alarm" <i>is</i> a caution I tell yer; it sounds
+            like some shrill old macaw,</p>
+
+            <p>Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives
+            yer a twist in the jaw,</p>
+
+            <p>And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till
+            I shake in my socks</p>
+
+            <p>When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump
+            like a Jack-in-the-box.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray
+            likewise, dear boy.</p>
+
+            <p>'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that
+            chorus,&mdash;a boon and a joy!</p>
+
+            <p>Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables
+            jest makes me bust;</p>
+
+            <p>When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus
+            than the row and the dust!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our
+            spins out of town;</p>
+
+            <p>Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we
+            just ladle it down?</p>
+
+            <p>And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder
+            well over the wheel,</p>
+
+            <p>And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer
+            I make the thing squeal.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well
+            back on my 'ed,</p>
+
+            <p>And my spine fairly <i>'umped</i> to it, CHARLIE,
+            and then carn't I paint the town red?</p>
+
+            <p>They call me "The Camel" for that, <i>and</i> my
+            stomach-capas'ty for "wet."</p>
+
+            <p>Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the
+            liquor,&mdash;you bet!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long
+            squeals to the <i>Times</i> about hus.</p>
+
+            <p>They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor!
+            it's all fidgets and fuss.</p>
+
+            <p>I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got
+            no heye for a lark.</p>
+
+            <p><i>I</i> know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and
+            squirm if we makes a remark.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em
+            the haffable nod;</p>
+
+            <p>Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being
+            scowled at, it's hodd.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although
+            they may look a mite shy;</p>
+
+            <p>It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or
+            fie-fie.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of
+            hus&mdash;BUGGINS and me,</p>
+
+            <p>MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and
+            TOFF JONES, and MICK SHEE;</p>
+
+            <p>All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along
+            comes a gurl on a 'orse.</p>
+
+            <p>Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and
+            gave 'er a rouser, in course.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked
+            so remarkable rum,</p>
+
+            <p>That we <i>couldn't</i> 'elp doing a larf, though
+            the gurl wos pertikler yum-yum;</p>
+
+            <p>We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a
+            swell, and he swore,</p>
+
+            <p>And&mdash;would you believe it, old pal?&mdash;went
+            for BUGGINS, and give 'im wot for!!!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike,
+            surely, about sech a hact!</p>
+
+            <p>Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere
+            crackpots as ain't got no tact.</p>
+
+            <p>We all did a guy like greased lightning; you
+            <i>can</i> when you're once on your wheel&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls
+            can do nothink but squeal.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's
+            beastly to think a fine sport</p>
+
+            <p>And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be
+            kiboshed by mugs of that sort.</p>
+
+            <p>All boko! dear boy, those <i>Times</i> letters! I
+            mean the new barney to carry,</p>
+
+            <p>As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their
+            meddlesome mawleys orf</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">'ARRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218"
+       id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/218.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/218.png"
+             alt="THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Clara Robinson</i> (<i>née Vere de Vere</i>).
+        "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN
+        I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Conductor.</i> "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY
+        DECAYED ARISTOCRACY TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS
+        UP THEIR MANNERS!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>After a Celebrated Model.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <center>
+        COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892.
+    </center>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
+        sonnets on the South-Eastern."&mdash;<i>Mr. Barry Pain, "In
+        the Smoking-Room."</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Earth has not anything to show less fair:</p>
+
+            <p>Patient were he of soul who could pass by</p>
+
+            <p>A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry</p>
+
+            <p>Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,</p>
+
+            <p>Without one single, solitary swear.</p>
+
+            <p>The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,</p>
+
+            <p>The prompt "next platform" (which is all my
+            eye),</p>
+
+            <p>The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;</p>
+
+            <p>Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,</p>
+
+            <p>Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one
+            ill;</p>
+
+            <p>The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!</p>
+
+            <p>The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.</p>
+
+            <p>Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,</p>
+
+            <p>That the long humbugged Public stands it still?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.&mdash;A good combination of names is
+    to be found in an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at
+    Prince's Hall, Piccadilly, on the evening of May 11, to be
+    given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr. A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it
+    might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made Concert." If
+    REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give credit?
+    <i>Solvitur ambulando</i>&mdash;that is, Walk in, and you'll
+    find out. It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY,
+    "Master G.," who is going to perform on an Erard piano, when,
+    as his REDDIE-witted companion playfully observes, "The
+    youthful pianist will out-Erard ERARD."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"Call you this Backing your Friends?"</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Confused Conservative.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough
+            rage,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Conservatism is as shield and fetter
+            meant;</p>
+
+            <p>And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And RITCHIE tells us he approves of
+            "Betterment"!</p>
+
+            <p>O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,</p>
+
+            <p>Is <i>this</i> to be the end of all our dreams?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.</h2>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Interior of a Foreign Law Court.
+            Numerous officials in attendance performing their
+            various duties in an apprehensive sort of way. Audience
+            small but determined.</i></p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>nervously</i>). Now are we really
+        protected from disturbance?</p>
+
+        <p><i>General in Command of Troops.</i> I think so. The
+        Court House is surrounded by an Army Corps, and the
+        Engineers find that the place has not been undermined to at
+        least a distance of a thousand feet.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>somewhat reassured</i>). Well, now I
+        think we may proceed with the trial. Admit the accused.</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>[<i>The</i> Prisoner <i>is bowed into the dock, and
+            accommodated with a comfortably cushioned
+            arm-chair.</i></p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Good morning. (<i>To</i> Judge.) You
+        can resume your hat.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>bowing to the</i> Prisoner). Accused, I
+        am deeply honoured by your courtesy. I trust you have been
+        comfortable in the State apartments that have been recently
+        supplied to you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>firmly</i>). State apartment! Why it
+        was a prison! You know it, <i>M. le Juge</i>, and you,
+        Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses. (<i>The entire
+        audience shudder apprehensively.</i>) And, what is more, my
+        friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and
+        thrown into prison. Yes, they know that, and will act
+        accordingly.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>tearfully</i>). I am sure none of us
+        wished to offend you!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Members of the Bar</i> (<i>in a breath</i>).
+        Certainly not!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose
+        you don't want any evidence. You have heard what I have
+        said. You know that I regret having caused inconvenience to
+        my innocent victims. They would forgive me for my innocent
+        intentions. I only wished to save everybody by blowing
+        everybody up.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Court generally.</i> Yes, yes!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Well, I have just done. And now what
+        say the Jury? Where are they?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman of the Jury</i> (<i>white with fear</i>). I
+        am, Sir,&mdash;very pleased to see you, Sir,&mdash;hope you
+        are well, Sir?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>). Tol lol. And
+        now what do you say? am I Guilty or Not Guilty?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We
+        will talk it over, Sir&mdash;if you don't mind, Sir.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> I need not tell you that my friends
+        outside take the greatest possible interest in your
+        proceedings.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>promptly</i>). Why, yes, Sir! The
+        fact is we have all had anonymous letters daily, saying
+        that we shall be blown out of house and home if we harm
+        you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>laughing</i>). Oh, be under no
+        apprehension. It is merely the circular of my friends. Only
+        a compilation of hints for the guidance of the Gentlemen of
+        the Jury.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman.</i> Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that
+        spirit.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have
+        surely had time to make up your minds. Do you find me
+        Guilty or Not Guilty?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>earnestly</i>). Why, Not Guilty, to
+        be sure.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge.</i> Release the accused! Sir, you have my
+        congratulations. Pray accept my distinguished
+        consideration.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>coldly</i>). You are very good. And
+        now adieu, and off to breakfast with what appetite ye
+        may!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Entire Court</i> (<i>falling on their knees, and
+        raising their hands in supplication</i>). Mercy, Sir! For
+        pity's sake, mercy!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>fiercely</i>). Mercy! What, after
+        I have been arrested! Mercy! after I have been cast into
+        gaol!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>in tears.</i>) They thought they were
+        right. They were, doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the
+        remainder of the row of houses! Can you not consider this a
+        plea for extenuating circumstances?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>sternly</i>). No. It was my
+        business, not theirs. It was I who paid for the
+        dynamite&mdash;not they. (<i>Preparing to leave the
+        Court.</i>) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my
+        friends!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>following him to the door</i>). Nay,
+        stay! See us&mdash;we kneel to you. (<i>To audience.</i>)
+        Kneel, friends, kneel! (<i>Everybody obeys the
+        direction.</i>) One last appeal! (<i>In a voice broken with
+        emotion.</i>) We all have Mothers!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>thunder-stricken</i>). You all
+        have Mothers! I knew not this. I pardon you! [<i>The
+        audience utter shouts of joy, and the</i> Ex-Prisoner
+        <i>extends his hands towards them in the attitude of
+        benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux.</i></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page219"
+       id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/219.png"><img width="60%"
+             src="images/219.png"
+             alt="HESITATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>HESITATION.</h3><i>Russian Recruiting Sergeant.</i>.
+        "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS LAD, TAKE THE
+        IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN
+        YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page220"
+       id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY
+    FAMILIAR FRIEND FOR THE R.A. SEASON.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:24%;">
+        <a href="images/220-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-1.png"
+             alt="No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror," />
+             </a>No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror,
+             privately practicing production of glass bowl full of
+             water from nowhere in particular; a subject not
+             unnaturally associated with the name of Waterhouse, A.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:24%;">
+        <a href="images/220-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-3.png"
+             alt="No. 164. Watts the douche is this?" /></a>No.
+             164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow shower-bath?
+             by G.F. Watts, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 16. It is called "<i>A Toast.</i> By AGNES E. WALKER."
+    It should be called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to
+    represent an eminent tenor unavoidably prevented by cold,
+    &amp;c., when staying at home, and taking the mixture as
+    before.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 19. A musical subject, "<i>The Open C.</i>" By HENRY
+    MOORE, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 24. "<i>Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too
+    much.</i>" Black Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a
+    row. The person who "calls himself a Gentleman" is seen as a
+    retiring person in another mirror. ETTORE TITO.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 40. <i>Little Bo Peep after Lunch</i>, supported by a
+    tree. Early intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come
+    home, leave tails b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 56. <i>Ben Ledi.</i> This is a puzzle picture by Mr.
+    JAMES ELLIOT. Of course there is in it, somewhere or other, a
+    portrait of the eminent Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find
+    him.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/220-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-2.png"
+             alt="No. 287. 'Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the Iron's hot!'" />
+        </a>No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the Iron's
+        hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a
+        hit immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes,
+        A. (and "A. 1," adds <i>Mr. P.</i>), prepare to receive
+        congratulations!
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 83. "<i>The Coming Sneeze.</i>" Picture of a Lady
+    evidently saying, "Oh dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S.
+    BENHAM.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 89. "<i>Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN
+    Point.</i>" JOHN PETTIE, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a
+    bald-headed bust, and singing to a maiden, "<i>Get your Hair
+    Cut!</i>" RALPH PEACOCK.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 97. "<i>Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!</i>"
+    "Must hide it before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE,
+    R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 102. "<i>Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn
+    Tennis Player.</i>" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie
+    Bridge man.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 105. "<i>Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it.</i>" <i>Vide
+    Sam Weller.</i> "JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:27%;">
+        <a href="images/220-4.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-4.png"
+             alt="No. 212. 'The Left-out Gauntlet.'" /></a>No. 212.
+             "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you are, indeed!
+             Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most
+             expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if
+             the confounded cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten
+             to send my right gauntlet!" John Pettie, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 107. "<i>Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing
+    Dairymaid.</i>" Taken in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him
+    several inches of canvas, and he'll take a NELL) as she was
+    about to put a little water out of the stream into the fresh
+    milk pail.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:53%;">
+        <a href="images/220-5.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-5.png"
+             alt="No. 173. 'A First Rehearsal.'" /></a>No. 173. "A
+             First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor, Mr. Gommersal
+             of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the
+             Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the
+             author of the Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The
+             Battle of Waterloo' was seated finishing the last Act.
+             'What do you think of this?' asked Mr. G.,
+             triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the
+             author, sharply. 'What!' exclaimed the astonished
+             veteran, 'do you mean to say my make-up for Napoleon
+             isn't good! Well I'm &mdash;&mdash;' 'You will be, if
+             you appear like that,' interrupted the author
+             decisively,"&mdash;Vide <i>Widdicomb's History of the
+             Battle of Waterloo at Astley's</i>. W.Q. Orchardson,
+             R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:22%;">
+        <a href="images/220-6.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-6.png"
+             alt="No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment." /></a>No.
+             344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of
+             Illustration. Interval during change of costume.
+             "Behold these graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page221"
+       id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span>
+
+    <p>No. 130. <i>A (Sir Donald) Currie</i>, admirably done in P.
+    and O. (Paint and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 211. "<i>Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind.</i>"&mdash;<i>As
+    You Like It.</i> But we <i>don't</i> like it&mdash;we mean, the
+    wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and dreary! We suppose that in
+    order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must have been thoroughly
+    wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir J.E. MILLAIS,
+    Bart., R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 228. "<i>The Great Auk's Egg.</i>" "Auk-ward moment: is
+    it genuine or not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably
+    been auk'd about before, genuine or not There'll be a <i>great
+    tauk (!)</i> about it," says H.S. MARKS, R.A.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow
+            here,</p>
+
+            <p>Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a
+            sheep."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Old Song</i>, illustrated by SIDNEY
+    COOPER, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 250. "<i>Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early
+    in the Ear.</i>" "She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to
+    herself, 'Shall I have many dances this season?' 'You've got a
+    ball in hand,' whispered small and early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,'
+    she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand is indeed worth a
+    whisper in the ear.'" <i>From the Greek of Akephalos.</i> W.
+    ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/221-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-1.png"
+             alt="No. 204. 'Three Little Maids from School.'" />
+             </a>No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A
+             wealth of colour. The subject is this:&mdash;After an
+             ample school-feast, the girls sat drowsily under an
+             orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled by the
+             appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy
+             Jane," cried Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt
+             yer, 'ee only comes from the Lowther Harkade." Sir
+             Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 272. <i>The Flying Farini Family.</i> Nothing like
+    bringing 'em up to the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R.
+    MORRIS, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 290. "<i>Sittin' and Satin.</i>" IRLAM BRIGGS.
+    [N.B.&mdash;<i>Mr. P.</i> always delighted to welcome the
+    immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of JOHN LEECH's boys
+    drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,&mdash;hung!]</p>
+
+    <p>No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking
+    directly at the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the
+    right man in the right place, <i>i.e., on the line</i>."
+    Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 311. <i>Popping in on them</i>, in not quite a friendly
+    way, by Very Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 317. "<i>Strong Op-inions.</i>" A Political Picture by a
+    Liberal Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 342. <i>A Person sitting uprightly.</i> By BENTLEY.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 351. "<i>Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!</i>"
+    By J.T. NETTLESHIP.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/221-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-2.png"
+             alt="No. 458. 'Peas and War.'" /></a>No. 458. "Peas
+             and War." Club Committee ordering dinner. See corner
+             figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The
+             Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r
+             remonstrates strongly, "What! not have peas?
+             Nonsense!" That's how the row began, and they "gave
+             him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and
+             managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody;
+             which the limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 373. "<i>There is a Flower that bloometh.</i>" The Mayor
+    of AVON, as he appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL
+    R. MORRIS, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 412. "<i>Hush a bye, Bibby!</i>" Capital picture, speaks
+    for itself. "I know that man, he comes from&mdash;Liverpool."
+    Brought here by LUKE FILDES, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 440. "<i>Poppylar Error.</i>" <i>Old Lady</i>
+    (<i>loq.</i>). "Oh, dear! I've eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up
+    poppies, and I do feel so&mdash;Oh! I feel my colour is
+    gradually PALIN (W.M.)."</p>
+
+    <p>No. 502. "<i>What, no Soap!</i>" She may appear a trifle
+    cracky, but no one can say that this picture represents her as
+    having gone "clean mad." ANNA BILINSKA.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/221-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-3.png"
+             alt="No. 699. 'Very Like a Whale,'" /></a>No. 699.
+             "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not caught yet.
+             C.N. Henry.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 553. <i>Margate Sands in Ancient Times</i>. Cruel
+    conduct of an Ancient Warrior towards a young lady who refused
+    to bathe in the sea. Full of life by E.M. HALE (and
+    Hearty).</p>
+
+    <p>No. 575. "<i>Poor Thing!</i>" Touching picture of ideal
+    patient in Æsthetic Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 636. "<i>A Clever Examiner drawing him out.</i>"
+    [N.B.&mdash;This ought to have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's
+    Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/221-4.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-4.png"
+             alt="No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a boiled lobster." />
+        </a>No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a
+        boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.&mdash;Your eye is sure
+        to be caught by this Hook. But the picture must be looked
+        at from our point of view, from the opposite side of the
+        room.]
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 686. <i>Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq.</i> The
+    Artist has, of course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but
+    little here below," but he doesn't get anything at all, being
+    cut off, so to speak, in his prime about the second
+    shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken before the
+    Artist at "Pettie Sessions."</p>
+
+    <p>No. 1041. "<i>Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King
+    Charles's Martyrdom.</i>" FRED HALL.</p>
+
+    <p>SCULPTURE.&mdash;The descriptions in the Guide are too
+    painful. We prefer not, to give any names, but here are
+    specimens:&mdash;"Mr. So-and-so, <i>to be executed in
+    bronze</i>"; "The late Thingummy&mdash;<i>bust</i>!" These will
+    suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "<i>All Three going to
+    Bath</i>" by GEORGE FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means
+    least, a very good likeness of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY,
+    R.A., and while we think of it, we'll treat him as a cabman and
+    "take his number," which it's 1941, done by JOHN ADAMS-ACTON,
+    and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude our pick of
+    the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with
+    <i>one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>ARS LONGA.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of
+            May,</p>
+
+            <p>That is "<b>A</b>RT," which you start with a
+            thundering <b>A</b>.</p>
+
+            <p>Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete
+            way.</p>
+
+            <p>Some think "<small>art</small>" would impart all the
+            work of to-day.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page222"
+       id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/222.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/222.png"
+             alt="THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.</h3>
+
+        <p>"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR&mdash;AND THOSE ARE HIS
+        CHILDREN!"</p>
+
+        <p>"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"</p>
+
+        <p>"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE
+        UGLY ONES THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.</h2>
+
+    <center>
+        Mr. P.C. BULL, <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From lands less free! I grudge you
+            room</p>
+
+            <p>Among my hosts of honest workers.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Had I the settling of your doom,</p>
+
+            <p>Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.</p>
+
+            <p>As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A Land of Liberty! Precisely.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And curs of that advantage take.</p>
+
+            <p>But, if you want my tip concisely,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We hate the wolf and loathe the
+            snake:</p>
+
+            <p>And as you seem a blend of both,</p>
+
+            <p>To crush you I'd be little loth.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Freedom we love, and, to secure it,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Take rough and smooth with constant
+            mind.</p>
+
+            <p>Espionage? We ill endure it,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But Liberty need not be blind.</p>
+
+            <p>Sorrow's asylum is our isle;</p>
+
+            <p>But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To flout that isle foes are not chary,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When of its shelter not in need;</p>
+
+            <p>But, when in search of sanctuary,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They fly thereto with wondrous speed.</p>
+
+            <p>Asylum? Ay! But learn&mdash;in time&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Foes dub me sinister, satanic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A friend of Nihilists and knaves;</p>
+
+            <p>Because I will not let mere panic</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Rob me of sympathy with slaves,</p>
+
+            <p>And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!</p>
+
+            <p>Their railings will not make me budge.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I've taken up my stand for freedom,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll jackal to no autocrat;</p>
+
+            <p>But rogues with hands as red as Edom,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,</p>
+
+            <p>I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.</p>
+
+            <p>I have no sympathy with vermin.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Doors open, welcome hospitable</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For all, unchallenged, is my style;</p>
+
+            <p>But trust not to the fatuous fable</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That <i>Caliban</i>'s free of my isle</p>
+
+            <p>With prosperous <i>Prospero's</i> free consent.</p>
+
+            <p>Such lies mad autocrats invent.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Such for some centuries they've been telling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush</p>
+
+            <p>Upon the threshold of my dwelling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But shall not join a purblind rush</p>
+
+            <p>Of panic-stricken fools to play</p>
+
+            <p>The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who, frightened now by those you'd
+            fright,</p>
+
+            <p>Would fain slink off among the shadows,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To plot out further deeds of night,</p>
+
+            <p>Our isle's immunity you boast!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>You're reckoning without your host.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I think you'll find it hard to scare;</p>
+
+            <p><i>We</i> worship no Anarchic furies,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For menace are not wont to care,</p>
+
+            <p>Here red-caught Crime in vain advances</p>
+
+            <p>"Extenuating Circumstances!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Couplet by a Cynic.</h3>
+
+    <center>
+        (<i>After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture
+        Show.</i>)
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks</p>
+
+            <p>Whilst it gives Private Views&mdash;of Pretty
+            Frocks!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE WORLD ON WHEELS.</h3>
+
+    <p>MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world
+    on a bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new
+    social force." Possibly. But certain writers to the
+    <i>Times</i> on "The Tyranny of the Road," seem to prove that
+    it is also a new <i>anti</i>-social force, when it frightens
+    horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb, we may
+    say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"&mdash;well, all over
+    the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain.
+    Whilst welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not
+    allow the "new social force" to develop into a new social
+    despotism. To put it pointedly:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We welcome these new steeds of steel,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(In spite of whistles and of
+            "squealers,")</p>
+
+            <p>But cannot have the common weal</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Too</i> much disturbed by common
+            "Wheelers"!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.&mdash;After the Presidential
+    orations, the success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's
+    speech. His audience were delighted at being thus "butchered to
+    make" an artistic "holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed
+    his regret that "the House of Commons did not possess a Hanging
+    Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we now and again hear of a Member
+    being "suspended" for some considerable time? On such
+    occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There was
+    one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged
+    with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to
+    himself, as, meditating many things, he stood by the
+    much-sounding soda-water, "Odd! a lot of speeches; and
+    yet,&mdash;<i>not a word about Orme!</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page223"
+       id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/223.png"><img width="60%"
+             src="images/223.png"
+             alt="RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST." /></a>
+
+        <h3>RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.</h3>
+
+        <p>FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!&mdash;VE SHALL NOT BE
+        INTERRUPT IN ZIS FREE ENGLAND!"</p>
+
+        <p>BULL A1 (<i>sotto voce</i>). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO!
+        YOU'LL FIND NO <i>EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES</i> HERE!!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page225"
+       id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>By Mrs. Payley.</i></h4>
+
+    <h3>III.&mdash;THE CHOICE OF A POSE.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/225.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225.png"
+             alt="Young girl, posing." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression
+    which they wish to create. The natural girl is always either
+    impolite or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl
+    who appears artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural,
+    and to appear natural, is the end at which the young girl
+    should aim. Much, then, will depend on the choice of a pose. It
+    should be suitable; there should be something in your
+    appearance and abilities to support the illusion. I once knew a
+    fat girl, with red hair (the <i>wrong</i> red), &amp; good
+    appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the
+    romantic pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was
+    quite unable to look the part. If she had done the Capital
+    Housekeeper, or the Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have
+    married a middle-aged Rector. She threw away her chances by
+    choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same time the reasons for
+    your choice should never be obvious. There was another case,
+    which amused me slightly&mdash;a dark girl, with fine eyes. She
+    was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some
+    accident in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to
+    walk with a stick, and her back was bent. She posed as a
+    man-hater. The part suited her well enough, for she had rather
+    a pretty wit. "But," I said to her, "it is too plainly a case
+    of the fox and the grapes; you hate men because you are a
+    cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She did not take
+    this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she has
+    never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite
+    true. She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with
+    love; if you ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as
+    well get a wooden heart at the same time. But her pose was too
+    obvious&mdash;ridiculously obvious. She would have done better
+    with something in the way of a religious
+    enthusiasm&mdash;something very mystical. It would have been
+    impressive.</p>
+
+    <p>In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards
+    supporting her pose; but she must have the intuitions and
+    perceptions of an artist.</p>
+
+    <p>The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl
+    in London is not naturally child-like. There should be a
+    suggestion of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be
+    simple, loose and sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon
+    round its neck; say that you like chocolate-creams; open your
+    eyes very wide, and suck the tip of one finger occasionally.
+    Let your manner generally vary between the pensive and the
+    mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially of things
+    which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt
+    this pose unless your figure is <i>mignon</i> and your
+    complexion pink. Do not be <i>too</i> realistic; never be
+    sticky or dirty&mdash;men do not care for it.</p>
+
+    <p>A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is
+    that of "the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly
+    the result of liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul.
+    The dress should be sombre, trailing, and rather distraught:
+    there is a way of arranging a <i>fichu</i> which of itself
+    suggests that the heart beneath it is blighted. If you happen
+    to possess a few ornaments which are not too expensive,
+    distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a repressed
+    voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let it be
+    known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to
+    spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one
+    flower; occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you
+    hear music. The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower
+    middle-classes, but wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir,
+    which either never opens or never comes off. Smile sometimes,
+    of course; but be careful to smile unnaturally. On all festive
+    occasions divide your time between your bedroom and the
+    churchyard.</p>
+
+    <p>Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you
+    have no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of
+    the philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid
+    will be your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate
+    in the homes of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and,
+    on returning, to disseminate in the homes of the rich some of
+    the diseases of the poor. Everything about you must be flat;
+    your hats, hair and heels must be flat; your denials must be
+    particularly flat. Always take your meals in your jacket and a
+    hurry, never with the rest of your family; never have time to
+    eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.</p>
+
+    <p>I cannot understand why any girl should object to the
+    assumption of a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that
+    she preferred to be what she seemed to be. She was an
+    exceptional case; I disbelieved in her protestations that she
+    was perfectly natural, and managed to get some opportunities
+    for observation when she did not know that she was observed. I
+    must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to get
+    married&mdash;suburban happiness and no position&mdash;but, as
+    I said, she was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I
+    should never have been married if I had seemed to be what I
+    really was. I cannot understand this desire to be
+    natural&mdash;it <i>is</i> so affected.</p>
+
+    <p>My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In
+    spite of my disclaimer last week, I have been asked several
+    questions which are not connected with Sentiment and Propriety.
+    "BELLADONNA" asks my advice on rather a delicate case; she is
+    almost engaged to a man, A., and her greatest friend is a girl,
+    B. Happening, the other day, to open B.'s Diary by mistake for
+    her own, she discovered that B. is also very much in love with
+    A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think the most honourable
+    course would be to report in her own Diary a statement by A.
+    that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B. might
+    mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she
+    cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has
+    read "BELLADONNA's" Diary.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.</h2>
+
+    <center>
+        SCENE I.&mdash;<i>At the Haymarket.&mdash;Darkness visible.
+        Out of it come Voices.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>probably on stage</i>). "<i>Who's
+        there?</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second V.</i> (<i>probably in auditorium</i>). I
+        can't see. Is it TREE?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Nay, answer me: stand and unfold
+        yourself.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> I wish I could unfold the seat to let
+        people pass.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>You come most carefully upon your
+        hour.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> Why on earth can't people be more
+        punctual?</p>
+
+        <p><i>First V.</i> "<i>'Tis now struck twelve.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> About a dozen people have hit my head
+        scrambling past in the dark.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>For this relief much
+        thanks.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> They seem to have got in at last.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>'Tis bitter cold.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fifth V.</i> Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send
+        away the ghost, and turn up the lights.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Not a mouse stirring.</i>"
+        [<i>Crash.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Sixth V.</i> There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a
+        job to find it.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Stand, ho!</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Seventh V.</i> Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware
+        that you're standing on my foot?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "BERNARDO <i>has my place.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Sixth V.</i> Here's someone taken my seat!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First V.</i> "<i>What, is</i> HORATIO
+        <i>there?</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Eighth V.</i> Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't
+        see you&mdash;but now the light's a bit
+        up&mdash;(<i>&amp;c., &amp;c.</i>).</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A CRITERION OF MORALS.&mdash;Astutely doing "The Puff
+    Preliminary" in a letter to the papers before the production of
+    <i>The Fringe of Society</i> (<i>i.e.</i>, <i>Le Demi-monde</i>
+    freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes that "there is no
+    such class, in any recognisable degree, as the
+    <i>demi-monde</i> in England." "Recognisable" is good, very
+    good, it saves the situation, as of course the
+    <i>demi-monde</i> is <i>not</i>, on any account, to be
+    recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of
+    the world which never knows what the other half is doing. If
+    <i>The Fringe</i>, as it at first went in to the Licenser, had
+    to be trimmed, CHARLES our Friend might have announced his
+    latest version as re-"adapted from the <i>Fringe</i>."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"&mdash;ORME. [No others
+    count.]</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page226"
+       id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.</h2>
+
+    <h3>BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.</h3>
+
+    <h4>A STORY OF <i>THE</i> SEX.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>(<i>By</i> THOMAS OF WESSEX, <i>Author of "Guess how a
+        Murder feels," "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a
+        Shoe," "One in a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her,"
+        "The Flight of the Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd,"
+        "A Lay o' Deceivers," &amp;c.</i>)</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this
+        book, "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life
+        in modern Wessex. It is well known, of course, that
+        although I often write agricultural novels, I invariably
+        call a spade a spade, and not an agricultural implement.
+        Thus I am led to speak in plain language of women, their
+        misdoings, and their undoings. Unstrained dialect is a
+        speciality. If you want to know the extent of Wessex,
+        consult histories of the Heptarchy with maps."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <p>In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from
+    the point where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards
+    Icenhurst on its way to Wintoncester, having on one side the
+    hamlet of Batton, on the other the larger town of Casterbridge,
+    stands the farmhouse wherewith in this narrative we have to
+    deal. There for generations had dwelt the rustic family of the
+    PEEPS, handing down from father to son a well-stocked cow-shed
+    and a tradition of rural virtues which yet excluded not an
+    overgreat affection on the male side for the home-brewed ale
+    and the homemade language in which, as is known, the Wessex
+    peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose
+    thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though
+    ashamed of bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a
+    degree of temperature not far removed from the zero-mark of the
+    local Fahrenheit. Within, a fire of good Wessex logs crackled
+    cheerily upon the hearth. Old ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of
+    the fireplace, his figure yet telling a tale of former vigour.
+    On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless, neutral,
+    slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may find
+    with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair
+    between them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an
+    absent inmate. A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an
+    ancient clock that had ticked away the mortality of many a past
+    and gone PEEP.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/226.png"
+             alt="Bonduca Peep." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his
+    chair so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view.
+    "Like enough she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird
+    of a feller, TOM TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle
+    round the hills. My soul, but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor
+    slammick of a chap."</p>
+
+    <p>Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like
+    other realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle
+    of infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet
+    contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it
+    must be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have
+    stood as pressing concretions which chafe body and soul&mdash;a
+    most disagreeable state of things, peculiar to the miserably
+    passive existence of a Wessex peasant woman.</p>
+
+    <p>"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak
+    irrelevance. "She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men
+    have bin after her&mdash;fourteen of 'em, all the best lads
+    round about, some of 'em wi' bags and bags of gold to their
+    names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be their lawful wedded
+    wife."</p>
+
+    <p>ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard
+    lines of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist
+    down upon his knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the
+    richest, and let him carry BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks
+    wear badly, and good characters be of no account; but the
+    gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued, meditatively, "the
+    old house could be new thatched, and you and me live like Lords
+    and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in silks and
+    satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles to
+    our feet."</p>
+
+    <p>POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and
+    thoroughly understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of
+    the Wessex peasant.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP&mdash;little BO PEEP was the name by
+    which the country-folk all knew her&mdash;sat dreaming upon the
+    hill-side, looking out with a premature woman's eyes upon the
+    rich valley that stretched away to the horizon. The rest of the
+    landscape was made up of agricultural scenes and incidents
+    which the slightest knowledge of Wessex novels can fill in
+    amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of dairymen, maidens
+    to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the rich
+    pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect,
+    and gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as
+    far as the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that
+    Bo had that morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a
+    flexuous and finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a
+    vanished knight and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust
+    now mouldered in many churchyards. There was about her an
+    amplitude of curve which, joined to a certain luxuriance of
+    moulding, betrayed her sex even to a careless observer. And
+    when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic utterance in a
+    monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of startling
+    her relations into temporary propriety.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+    <p>Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an
+    amiable tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle
+    behind her caused her to turn her head, and she saw a strange
+    procession advancing over the parched fields where&mdash;[Two
+    pages of field-scenery omitted.&mdash;ED.] One by one they
+    toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply defined
+    against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and
+    full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled
+    on some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its
+    stamp. But what most distinguished these remarkable
+    processionists in the clear noon of this winter day was that
+    each one carried in her arms an infant. And each one, as she
+    reached the place where the enthralled BONDUCA sat obliviscent
+    of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid the baby down.
+    First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an interval
+    by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To them
+    succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and
+    Squire PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX,
+    the Honourable LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY,
+    brought up the rear.</p>
+
+    <p>BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young
+    life to be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm
+    after all, and the audition of these squalling nurslings vexed
+    her. What could the matter mean? No answer was given to these
+    questionings. A man's figure, vast and terrible, appeared on
+    the hill's brow, with a cruel look of triumph on his wicked
+    face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered; the noble dames
+    fled shrieking down the valley.</p>
+
+    <p>"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in
+    the spectrum of your young life."</p>
+
+    <p>"Say those words quickly," she retorted.</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray,
+    Broo-re-ray, Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA
+    and his own imperfect tongue-power, "you are fooling me.
+    Beware!"</p>
+
+    <p>"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she
+    bowed herself submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall
+    therefore marry you. Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon
+    her.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4>
+
+    <p>Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy
+    tail-bearers to come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She
+    did but humble herself before the manifestation of a Wessex
+    necessity.</p>
+
+    <p>And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether
+    rolled her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained
+    highways of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with
+    the tragic completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing,
+    steam-fed, irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in
+    it, and rustics danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were
+    "blasted," like poor BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the
+    calm nonchalance of a Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched
+    into a world of reviews, where the multitude of readers is not
+    as to their external displacements, but as to their subjective
+    experiences.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[THE END.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page227"
+       id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE NEW GALLERY.</h2>
+
+    <p>This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all
+    shapes and sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the
+    young Ladies:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>No. 13. "<i>White Roses.</i>" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns
+    here, evidently, judging by the young woman's look of anguish.
+    And this is the moral POYNTER points.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 66. "<i>A War Cloud.</i>" A Music-HALLÉ singing "<i>Rule
+    Britannia!</i>" with proper dressings.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 18. "<i>Paderewski.</i>" Surely it ought to be PATTY
+    REWSKY, with "Miss" before the name. <i>Moral</i>, "Get your
+    hair cut!"</p>
+
+    <p>No. 284. "<i>Nightfall in the Dauphinée.</i>" "<i>Might</i>
+    fall," it ought to be, and no wonder if she walked about on so
+    dark a night with such a load in her arms!</p>
+
+    <p>No. 165. "<i>Che sara sara.</i>" A pedestrian match in the
+    Metropolis. In fact, <i>Walker, London</i>. A portrait of
+    <i>Sarah</i>, after she has been let down into the punt, the
+    shock having dislocated her shoulder. She might have kept
+    <i>Col. Neal's</i> clothes round her neck to hide her back.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND
+    KHNPFF. Our Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that
+    he went out to get assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to
+    pronounce the painter's name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now
+    in a precarious state. Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant
+    Critic, Deputy Assistant Sub-Critic, and a few extra
+    Supernumerary Critics, then went in a body and looked at this
+    young woman's head, apparently taken after an interview with
+    Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all sides, and
+    finally stood on their own, but they could not make head or
+    tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning,
+    and paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this
+    journal.</p>
+
+    <p>There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young
+    Ladies, but those mentioned above are the most remarkable in
+    the New Girlery.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Any Man to Any Woman.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O woman, in our hours of ease,</p>
+
+            <p>We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"</p>
+
+            <p>But when there's prospect of a row,</p>
+
+            <p><i>You're</i> best out of it anyhow.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/227-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227-1.png"
+             alt="'OH, THAT TUNE!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"OH, THAT TUNE!"</h3><i>A Sketch of an Unintentional
+        and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie Collins.</i>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE TWO ARCHERS.&mdash;In the <i>P.M.G.</i> of Saturday
+    last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in a signed article, criticises a book on
+    "<i>How to Write a Good Play</i>, by FRANK ARCHER." In
+    expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes
+    Frank&mdash;unpleasantly Frank.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A Riddle.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>While Publishers their fortunes make</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And wax exceeding fat,</p>
+
+            <p>The Author still is like a rake.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now, pray account for that.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:22%;">
+        <a href="images/227-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Out of this room, where we think more of
+            ham</p>
+
+            <p>Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than
+            HERKOMERS,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON
+            with lamb,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and
+            celery,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And not of the drawings at which we
+            should look;</p>
+
+            <p>Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of
+            "Cook."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 25.</i>&mdash;Session
+    resumed to-day after Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says,
+    Session comes but Members linger. Not forty present when
+    business commenced. "May as well go on." said the SPEAKER, whom
+    everybody glad to see looking brisk and hearty after his
+    holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."</p>
+
+    <p>So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or
+    enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got
+    to business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to
+    be measure involving closest interests of the great empire that
+    CLIVE helped to make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after.
+    Appearance of House suggestive rather of some local question
+    affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney Marsh. Below Gangway, on
+    Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present. Member for Oldham a
+    sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space. Above Gangway
+    RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE CURZON had
+    Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing how
+    cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite
+    staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his
+    looks, sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought.
+    Pretty to see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made
+    graceful allusion to his genius and statesmanlike conduct of
+    affairs. "Approbation from Sir HUBERT STANLEY," as he later
+    observed, "is praise indeed."</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/227-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227-3.png"
+             alt="'So-and-So.'" /></a>"So-and-So."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above
+    Gangway opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's
+    vacant place as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party
+    brimful of energy, enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopædic
+    knowledge&mdash;MORTON, SEYMOUR KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS
+    'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE OF CAMBORNE, who
+    has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows all about
+    India.</p>
+
+    <p>Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN
+    whilst he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS
+    PELLY, who really knew something about India, and therefore
+    would probably not have spoken had he been here to-night. A
+    kindly, courteous, upright, valiant gentleman, who took a
+    little too seriously the joke House had with him about the
+    Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous speech on the
+    question, with its graphic description of forced marches "from
+    So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to
+    So-forth."</p>
+
+    <p>PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he,
+    too, has made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on
+    into the unmapped So-forth.</p>
+
+    <p>MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page228"
+       id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span> desolate House. Only one
+       other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several
+       speeches dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me
+       will bear me out when I say&mdash;" Instant commotion below
+       Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over
+       PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against MORTON. All animated by
+       desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth. He breathlessly
+       explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and, they
+       reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter
+       end.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Practically none.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Amid the pomps and vanities of a
+    wicked world there is something refreshing and reassuring in
+    spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE going about his daily
+    business. One would describe him as childlike and bland, only
+    for recollection that combination of harmless endearing epithet
+    has been applied in another connection and might be
+    misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that so
+    accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to
+    pose Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution.
+    Wanted to know whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between
+    months of September and December in present year, a Bill would
+    be brought in to accelerate Registration? Terms of question
+    being set forth on printed paper, not necessary for the SAGE to
+    recite them. For this he seemed grateful. It relieved him from
+    the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR by a reference
+    to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt at being
+    asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his
+    seat&mdash;so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not
+    impose his full height on the eyesight of the
+    Minister&mdash;"begged to ask the FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY
+    Question No. 8."</p>
+
+    <p>Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he
+    looked at the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the
+    question addressed to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually
+    wanting to know something about the date of the Dissolution,
+    and what would follow in certain contingencies. As a
+    philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the vagaries of
+    the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his large
+    leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of
+    doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number,
+    indulging in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the
+    contingency referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they
+    had not even contemplated taking any steps to meet it.</p>
+
+    <p>Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose,
+    the Government would act in the manner he had suggested?</p>
+
+    <p>No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in
+    full view of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw
+    that deduction from what he had said.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:27%;">
+        <a href="images/228-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-1.png"
+             alt="Cap'n Birkbeck." /></a>Cap'n Birkbeck.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The House, having listened intently to this artless
+    conversation, proceeded to business of the day, which happily
+    included the adoption of a Resolution engaging the Government
+    to connect with the mainland, by telephone or telegraph, the
+    lighthouses and lightships that twinkle round our stormy
+    coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved this Resolution,
+    seconded from other side in admirable speech by
+    MARJORIBANKS.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Excellent.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Much surprised, strolling down to
+    House this afternoon, to find place in sort of state of siege.
+    Policemen, policemen everywhere, and, as one sadly observed,
+    "not a drop to drink." Haven't seen anything like it since
+    KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops from his mane as he walked
+    through Palace Yard, passing through enthusiastic crowd into
+    House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts in Old
+    Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old
+    GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table,
+    scene was somewhat similar.</p>
+
+    <p>"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our
+    able and indefatigable Superintendent striding about the
+    Corridor, as NAPOLEON visited the outposts on the eve of
+    Austerlitz.</p>
+
+    <p>"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of
+    them at St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman
+    driven off at point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up;
+    party of the name of BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on
+    the flat of his back."</p>
+
+    <p>"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for
+    oratorical effort. But you seem to have got new men at the
+    various posts?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice
+    to whisper; "we've picked em out. Gone through the Force;
+    mustered all the bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion
+    of argument on Woman's Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night,
+    floor nearly ankle-deep in loose hair. They don't get much off
+    <i>my</i> men," said HORSLEY, proudly.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:15%;">
+        <a href="images/228-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-2.png"
+             alt="'So young and so iniquitous!'" /></a>"So young
+             and so iniquitous!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably
+    they had something to do with the almost disappointing result.
+    Everything passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate
+    had been India, or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million
+    or two. Ladies locked up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with
+    lime-lights playing on placards hung on walls enforcing
+    "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH should come on
+    early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had marvellously
+    sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later, ASQUITH
+    demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars,
+    that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a
+    shrill whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR,
+    dexterously intervening, soothed the angry breast by his
+    chivalrous advocacy of Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat
+    there floated over the charmed House, coming "So young and so
+    as it were from heavenly spheres above the iniquitous!"
+    SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a man!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected
+    by 175 Votes against 152.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;Little sparring match between
+    Front Benches. Mr. G. and all his merry men anxious, above all
+    things, to know when Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
+    starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR interested, but ignorant. Can't
+    understand why people should always be talking about
+    Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a sufficient
+    majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the month
+    of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence
+    in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there
+    will be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme.
+    Let him contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and
+    not trouble his head about indefinite details like
+    Dissolutions.</p>
+
+    <p>This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he
+    became Leader.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;None.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SEASONABLE WEATHER.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for
+            tea.</p>
+
+            <p>It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and
+            me.</p>
+
+            <p>With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent
+            leather),</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my
+            hair,</p>
+
+            <p>Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the
+            weather,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I am safe&mdash;the barometer points to
+            "Set Fair."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So I'm off&mdash;why, what's that? Yes, by Jove,
+            there's a sputter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of rain on the pavement!&mdash;the
+            sunshine retires;</p>
+
+            <p>And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to
+            utter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The thoughts that this changeable weather
+            inspires.</p>
+
+            <p>Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and
+            disgusted;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt
+            it again;</p>
+
+            <p>And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The barometer's index, which now points
+            to "Rain."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and
+            "bowler,"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My STELLA thinks more of a man than his
+            dress.</p>
+
+            <p>I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console
+            her.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll
+            love me no less.</p>
+
+            <p>Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy
+            them&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing
+            away!</p>
+
+            <p>The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry
+            them.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, there, I give up, and retire for
+            the day!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14601 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
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+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14601 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14601)
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102,
+May 7, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, May 7, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2005  [eBook #14601]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOLUME 102, MAY 7, 1892***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14601-h.htm or 14601-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h/14601-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 102
+
+MAY 7, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+'ARRY ON WHEELS.
+
+[Illustration: Our 'Arry Laureate.]
+
+  DEAR CHARLIE,--Spring's on us at last, and a proper old April
+          we've 'ad,
+  Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made 'oliday makers
+          feel mad.
+  Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems somehow to take a
+          delight
+  In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was out of sheer
+          spite.
+
+  When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in orfice or
+          fact'ry, or shop,
+  The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller feels fair on the
+          'op;
+  But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings all round is
+          in train,
+  It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster of rain.
+
+  It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go as crooked as Z.
+  Feelosophers _may_ think it out, 'ARRY ain't got the 'eart, or the
+          'ead;
+  But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's fust laws, and
+          no kid.
+  If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good 'ealth and
+          _no_ quid!
+
+  'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good outing--on wheels;
+  For I've took to the bicycle, yus,--and can show a good many my
+          'eels.
+  You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a smooth bit of
+          straight road,
+  And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of wheeling, I'm
+          blowed.
+
+  Larks fust and larks larst is _my_ motter. Old RICHARDSON's rumbo
+          is rot.
+  Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts to a sanit'ry
+          pot;
+  But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty scenery, and
+          that,
+  As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly is not sech a
+          flat.
+
+  Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for good 'ealth,
+          I've no doubt
+  That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is mere turning
+          about,
+  Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, wheeling _as_
+          wheeling's 'ard work,
+  And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I always did
+          shirk.
+
+  _I_ ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with a chest 'ollered
+          out, and a 'ump,
+  Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or go slap off
+          their chump.
+  You don't ketch _me_ straining my 'eart till it cracks for a big
+          silver mug.
+  No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel cosy and snug.
+
+  Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up to champion form.
+  And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the Wheel-World
+          by storm,
+  Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' to lace up 'is
+          boot.
+  Let them go for _that_ game as are mind to, here's one as it
+          certn'y won't soot.
+
+  But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd 'ardly
+          emagine 'ow much,
+  If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and skyfoozled some
+          dawdling old Dutch.
+  Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly the doddering
+          old sort
+  As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! that makes
+          a'rf the sport!
+
+  'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled tremenjus at fust,
+  Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a thundering
+          thust;
+  I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling about on the loose,
+  As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and about as much
+          use.
+
+  Now I _don't_ like to look like a juggins, it's wot I carn't
+          stand, s'elp my bob;
+  But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, when I'm fair
+          on the job.
+  So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of grass and tall
+          trees,
+  Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer 'twas "go as
+          yer please."
+
+  They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as Solsberry Plain,
+  Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when it's welting with
+          rain;
+  Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and studyus old stodges
+          live there,
+  And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; but wot did _I_
+          care.
+
+  When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked 'em a smart bit
+          o' lip,
+  With a big D or two--for the ladies--and wosn't they soon on the
+          skip!
+  'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I could fair
+          feel my feet;
+  If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure it'll do you a
+          treat.
+
+  I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties don't run yer
+          much risk,
+  And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle along pooty brisk;
+  And _then_ came the barney, my bloater! I jined 'arf a dozen prime
+          pals,
+  And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, and espessh'lly
+          the gals.
+
+  No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, sportsman
+          form, and sech muck.
+  I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and trust to
+          pot-luck.
+  A rush twelve-a-breast _is_ a gammock, twelve squeakers a going
+          like one;
+  But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer sperrits, and
+          spile all the fun.
+
+  The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, mugs will keep
+          spouting it still;
+  But wot _is_ it to me and my mates, treadles loose, and a-chargin'
+          down 'ill?
+  Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, our 'owls,
+          women's shrieks, and men's swears!
+  Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a busting
+          down-stairs.
+
+  Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming girl's school on
+          the trot,
+  May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't _my_ form by a
+          lot.
+  Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the old buffers as
+          prowl
+  Along green country roads at their ease, till they're scared by my
+          squeak, or my 'owl?
+
+  My "alarm" _is_ a caution I tell yer; it sounds like some shrill
+          old macaw,
+  Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives yer a twist in
+          the jaw,
+  And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till I shake in my
+          socks
+  When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump like a
+          Jack-in-the-box.
+
+  I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray likewise, dear boy.
+  'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that chorus,--a boon
+          and a joy!
+  Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables jest makes me
+          bust;
+  When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus than the row
+          and the dust!
+
+  We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our spins out of town;
+  Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we just ladle it
+          down?
+  And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder well over the
+          wheel,
+  And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer I make the
+          thing squeal.
+
+  My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well back on my 'ed,
+  And my spine fairly _'umped_ to it, CHARLIE, and then carn't I
+          paint the town red?
+  They call me "The Camel" for that, _and_ my stomach-capas'ty for
+          "wet."
+  Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the liquor,--you
+          bet!
+
+  There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long squeals to the
+          _Times_ about hus.
+  They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! it's all
+          fidgets and fuss.
+  I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got no heye for a
+          lark.
+  _I_ know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and squirm if we makes
+          a remark.
+
+  If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em the haffable
+          nod;
+  Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being scowled at, it's
+          hodd.
+  Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although they may look a
+          mite shy;
+  It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or fie-fie.
+
+  We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of hus--BUGGINS and
+          me,
+  MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and TOFF JONES, and
+          MICK SHEE;
+  All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along comes a gurl on
+          a 'orse.
+  Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and gave 'er a
+          rouser, in course.
+
+  'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked so remarkable
+          rum,
+  That we _couldn't_ 'elp doing a larf, though the gurl wos
+          pertikler yum-yum;
+  We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a swell, and he
+          swore,
+  And--would you believe it, old pal?--went for BUGGINS, and give
+          'im wot for!!!
+
+  Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, surely, about sech
+          a hact!
+  Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere crackpots as
+          ain't got no tact.
+  We all did a guy like greased lightning; you _can_ when you're
+          once on your wheel--
+  Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls can do nothink
+          but squeal.
+
+  That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's beastly to
+          think a fine sport
+  And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be kiboshed by mugs of
+          that sort.
+  All boko! dear boy, those _Times_ letters! I mean the new barney
+          to carry,
+  As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their meddlesome mawleys orf
+
+'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
+
+Lady Clara Robinson (née Vere de Vere). "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS
+MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"
+
+Conductor. "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY DECAYED ARISTOCRACY
+TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS UP THEIR MANNERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.
+
+(AFTER A CELEBRATED MODEL.)
+
+COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892.
+
+    ["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
+    sonnets on the South-Eastern."--Mr. Barry Pain, "In the
+    Smoking-Room."]
+
+  Earth has not anything to show less fair:
+  Patient were he of soul who could pass by
+  A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry
+  Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,
+  Without one single, solitary swear.
+  The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,
+  The prompt "next platform" (which is all my eye),
+  The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;
+  Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,
+  Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one ill;
+  The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!
+  The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.
+  Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,
+  That the long humbugged Public stands it still?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.--A good combination of names is to be found in
+an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly,
+on the evening of May 11, to be given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr.
+A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made
+Concert." If REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give
+credit? _Solvitur ambulando_--that is, Walk in, and you'll find out.
+It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, "Master G.," who
+is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, as his REDDIE-witted
+companion playfully observes, "The youthful pianist will out-Erard
+ERARD."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CALL YOU THIS BACKING YOUR FRIENDS?"
+
+(BY A CONFUSED CONSERVATIVE.)
+
+  To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough rage,
+    Conservatism is as shield and fetter meant;
+  And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;
+    And RITCHIE tells us he approves of "Betterment"!
+  O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,
+  Is _this_ to be the end of all our dreams?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.
+
+    SCENE--Interior of a Foreign Law Court. Numerous officials in
+    attendance performing their various duties in an apprehensive
+    sort of way. Audience small but determined.
+
+_Judge_ (_nervously_). Now are we really protected from disturbance?
+
+_General in Command of Troops._ I think so. The Court House is
+surrounded by an Army Corps, and the Engineers find that the place has
+not been undermined to at least a distance of a thousand feet.
+
+_Judge_ (_somewhat reassured_). Well, now I think we may proceed with
+the trial. Admit the accused.
+
+    [_The Prisoner is bowed into the dock, and accommodated with
+    a comfortably cushioned arm-chair._
+
+_Prisoner._ Good morning. (_To Judge._) You can resume your hat.
+
+_Judge_ (_bowing to the Prisoner_). Accused, I am deeply honoured
+by your courtesy. I trust you have been comfortable in the State
+apartments that have been recently supplied to you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_firmly_). State apartment! Why it was a prison! You know
+it, _M. le Juge_, and you, Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses.
+(_The entire audience shudder apprehensively._) And, what is more, my
+friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and thrown into
+prison. Yes, they know that, and will act accordingly.
+
+_Judge_ (_tearfully_). I am sure none of us wished to offend you!
+
+_Members of the Bar_ (_in a breath_). Certainly not!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose you don't want
+any evidence. You have heard what I have said. You know that I regret
+having caused inconvenience to my innocent victims. They would forgive
+me for my innocent intentions. I only wished to save everybody by
+blowing everybody up.
+
+_The Court generally._ Yes, yes!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, I have just done. And now what say the Jury? Where
+are they?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury_ (_white with fear_). I am, Sir,--very pleased to
+see you, Sir,--hope you are well, Sir?
+
+_Prisoner_ (_condescendingly_). Tol lol. And now what do you say? am I
+Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We will talk it over,
+Sir--if you don't mind, Sir.
+
+_Prisoner._ I need not tell you that my friends outside take the
+greatest possible interest in your proceedings.
+
+_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Why, yes, Sir! The fact is we have all had
+anonymous letters daily, saying that we shall be blown out of house
+and home if we harm you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_laughing_). Oh, be under no apprehension. It is merely
+the circular of my friends. Only a compilation of hints for the
+guidance of the Gentlemen of the Jury.
+
+_Foreman._ Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that spirit.
+
+_Prisoner._ You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have surely had time to
+make up your minds. Do you find me Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman_ (_earnestly_). Why, Not Guilty, to be sure.
+
+_Judge._ Release the accused! Sir, you have my congratulations. Pray
+accept my distinguished consideration.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_coldly_). You are very good. And now adieu, and off to
+breakfast with what appetite ye may!
+
+_The Entire Court_ (_falling on their knees, and raising their hands
+in supplication_). Mercy, Sir! For pity's sake, mercy!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_fiercely_). Mercy! What, after I have been arrested!
+Mercy! after I have been cast into gaol!
+
+_Judge_ (_in tears._) They thought they were right. They were,
+doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the remainder of the row
+of houses! Can you not consider this a plea for extenuating
+circumstances?
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_sternly_). No. It was my business, not theirs. It
+was I who paid for the dynamite--not they. (_Preparing to leave the
+Court._) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my friends!
+
+_Judge_ (_following him to the door_). Nay, stay! See us--we kneel
+to you. (_To audience._) Kneel, friends, kneel! (_Everybody obeys the
+direction._) One last appeal! (_In a voice broken with emotion._) We
+all have Mothers!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_thunder-stricken_). You all have Mothers! I knew
+not this. I pardon you! [_The audience utter shouts of joy, and
+the Ex-Prisoner extends his hands towards them in the attitude of
+benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HESITATION.
+
+Russian Recruiting Sergeant.. "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS
+LAD, TAKE THE IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN
+YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY FAMILIAR FRIEND
+FOR THE R.A. SEASON.
+
+[Illustration: No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror, privately
+practicing production of glass bowl full of water from nowhere in
+particular; a subject not unnaturally associated with the name of
+Waterhouse, A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the
+Iron's hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a hit
+immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes, A. (and "A. 1,"
+adds _Mr. P._), prepare to receive congratulations!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow
+shower-bath? by G.F. Watts, R.A.]
+
+No. 16. It is called "_A Toast._ By AGNES E. WALKER." It should be
+called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to represent an eminent
+tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, &c., when staying at home, and
+taking the mixture as before.
+
+No. 19. A musical subject, "_The Open C._" By HENRY MOORE, A.
+
+No. 24. "_Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too much._" Black
+Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a row. The person who "calls
+himself a Gentleman" is seen as a retiring person in another mirror.
+ETTORE TITO.
+
+No. 40. _Little Bo Peep after Lunch_, supported by a tree. Early
+intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come home, leave tails
+b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.
+
+No. 56. _Ben Ledi._ This is a puzzle picture by Mr. JAMES ELLIOT. Of
+course there is in it, somewhere or other, a portrait of the eminent
+Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find him.
+
+No. 83. "_The Coming Sneeze._" Picture of a Lady evidently saying, "Oh
+dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. BENHAM.
+
+No. 89. "_Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN Point._"
+JOHN PETTIE, R.A.
+
+No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a bald-headed
+bust, and singing to a maiden, "_Get your Hair Cut!_" RALPH PEACOCK.
+
+No. 97. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!_" "Must hide it
+before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.
+
+No. 102. "_Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn Tennis
+Player._" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie Bridge man.
+
+No. 105. "_Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it._" _Vide Sam Weller._
+"JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"
+
+No. 107. "_Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing Dairymaid._" Taken
+in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him several inches of canvas, and
+he'll take a NELL) as she was about to put a little water out of the
+stream into the fresh milk pail.
+
+[Illustration: No. 212. "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you
+are, indeed! Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most
+expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if the confounded
+cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten to send my right gauntlet!" John
+Pettie, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 173. "A First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor,
+Mr. Gommersal of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the
+Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the author of the
+Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The Battle of Waterloo' was
+seated finishing the last Act. 'What do you think of this?' asked Mr.
+G., triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the author, sharply.
+'What!' exclaimed the astonished veteran, 'do you mean to say my
+make-up for Napoleon isn't good! Well I'm ----' 'You will be, if
+you appear like that,' interrupted the author decisively,"--Vide
+_Widdicomb's History of the Battle of Waterloo at Astley's_. W.Q.
+Orchardson, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of
+Illustration. Interval during change of costume. "Behold these
+graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.]
+
+No. 130. _A (Sir Donald) Currie_, admirably done in P. and O. (Paint
+and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A wealth of
+colour. The subject is this:--After an ample school-feast, the girls
+sat drowsily under an orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled
+by the appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy Jane," cried
+Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt yer, 'ee only comes from the
+Lowther Harkade." Sir Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.]
+
+No. 211. "_Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind._"--_As You Like It._ But we
+_don't_ like it--we mean, the wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and
+dreary! We suppose that in order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must
+have been thoroughly wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir
+J.E. MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.
+
+No. 228. "_The Great Auk's Egg._" "Auk-ward moment: is it genuine or
+not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably been auk'd about
+before, genuine or not There'll be a _great tauk (!)_ about it," says
+H.S. MARKS, R.A.
+
+  No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow here,
+  Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a sheep."
+
+_Old Song_, illustrated by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 458. "Peas and War." Club Committee ordering
+dinner. See corner figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The
+Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r remonstrates
+strongly, "What! not have peas? Nonsense!" That's how the row began,
+and they "gave him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and
+managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody; which the
+limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.]
+
+No. 250. "_Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early in the Ear._"
+"She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to herself, 'Shall I have many
+dances this season?' 'You've got a ball in hand,' whispered small and
+early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand
+is indeed worth a whisper in the ear.'" _From the Greek of Akephalos._
+W. ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.
+
+No. 272. _The Flying Farini Family._ Nothing like bringing 'em up to
+the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 290. "_Sittin' and Satin._" IRLAM BRIGGS. [N.B.--_Mr. P._ always
+delighted to welcome the immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of
+JOHN LEECH's boys drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,--hung!]
+
+No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking directly at
+the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the right man in the right
+place, _i.e., on the line_." Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.
+
+No. 311. _Popping in on them_, in not quite a friendly way, by Very
+Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.
+
+No. 317. "_Strong Op-inions._" A Political Picture by a Liberal
+Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.
+
+No. 342. _A Person sitting uprightly._ By BENTLEY.
+
+No. 351. "_Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!_" By J.T.
+NETTLESHIP.
+
+No. 373. "_There is a Flower that bloometh._" The Mayor of AVON, as he
+appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 412. "_Hush a bye, Bibby!_" Capital picture, speaks for itself. "I
+know that man, he comes from--Liverpool." Brought here by LUKE FILDES,
+R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 699. "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not
+caught yet. C.N. Henry.]
+
+No. 440. "_Poppylar Error._" _Old Lady_ (_loq._). "Oh, dear! I've
+eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up poppies, and I do feel so--Oh! I feel
+my colour is gradually PALIN (W.M.)."
+
+[Illustration: No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a
+boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.--Your eye is sure to be caught by
+this Hook. But the picture must be looked at from our point of view,
+from the opposite side of the room.]]
+
+No. 502. "_What, no Soap!_" She may appear a trifle cracky, but no one
+can say that this picture represents her as having gone "clean mad."
+ANNA BILINSKA.
+
+No. 553. _Margate Sands in Ancient Times_. Cruel conduct of an Ancient
+Warrior towards a young lady who refused to bathe in the sea. Full of
+life by E.M. HALE (and Hearty).
+
+No. 575. "_Poor Thing!_" Touching picture of ideal patient in Æsthetic
+Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.
+
+No. 636. "_A Clever Examiner drawing him out._" [N.B.--This ought to
+have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.
+
+No. 686. _Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq._ The Artist has, of
+course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but little here below,"
+but he doesn't get anything at all, being cut off, so to speak, in his
+prime about the second shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken
+before the Artist at "Pettie Sessions."
+
+No. 1041. "_Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King Charles's
+Martyrdom._" FRED HALL.
+
+SCULPTURE.--The descriptions in the Guide are too painful. We prefer
+not, to give any names, but here are specimens:--"Mr. So-and-so, _to
+be executed in bronze_"; "The late Thingummy--_bust_!" These will
+suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "_All Three going to Bath_" by GEORGE
+FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means least, a very good likeness
+of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY, R.A., and while we think of it, we'll
+treat him as a cabman and "take his number," which it's 1941, done by
+JOHN ADAMS-ACTON, and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude
+our pick of the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with
+_one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARS LONGA.
+
+  Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of May,
+  That is "ART," which you start with a thundering A.
+  Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete way.
+  Some think "art" would impart all the work of to-day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.
+
+"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR--AND THOSE ARE HIS CHILDREN!"
+
+"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"
+
+"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE UGLY ONES
+THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+Mr. P.C. BULL, _loquitur_:--
+
+  Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,
+    From lands less free! I grudge you room
+  Among my hosts of honest workers.
+    Had I the settling of your doom,
+  Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.
+  As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.
+
+  A Land of Liberty! Precisely.
+    And curs of that advantage take.
+  But, if you want my tip concisely,--
+    We hate the wolf and loathe the snake:
+  And as you seem a blend of both,
+  To crush you I'd be little loth.
+
+  Freedom we love, and, to secure it,
+    Take rough and smooth with constant mind.
+  Espionage? We ill endure it,
+    But Liberty need not be blind.
+  Sorrow's asylum is our isle;
+  But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.
+
+  To flout that isle foes are not chary,
+    When of its shelter not in need;
+  But, when in search of sanctuary,
+    They fly thereto with wondrous speed.
+  Asylum? Ay! But learn--in time--
+  'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.
+
+  Foes dub me sinister, satanic,
+    A friend of Nihilists and knaves;
+  Because I will not let mere panic
+    Rob me of sympathy with slaves,
+  And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!
+  Their railings will not make me budge.
+
+  I've taken up my stand for freedom,
+    I'll jackal to no autocrat;
+  But rogues with hands as red as Edom,
+    Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,
+  I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.
+  I have no sympathy with vermin.
+
+  Doors open, welcome hospitable
+    For all, unchallenged, is my style;
+  But trust not to the fatuous fable
+    That _Caliban_'s free of my isle
+  With prosperous _Prospero's_ free consent.
+  Such lies mad autocrats invent.
+
+  Such for some centuries they've been telling,
+    Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush
+  Upon the threshold of my dwelling,
+    But shall not join a purblind rush
+  Of panic-stricken fools to play
+  The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!
+
+  But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,
+    Who, frightened now by those you'd fright,
+  Would fain slink off among the shadows,
+    To plot out further deeds of night,
+  Our isle's immunity you boast!--
+  You're reckoning without your host.
+
+  I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries
+    I think you'll find it hard to scare;
+  _We_ worship no Anarchic furies,
+    For menace are not wont to care,
+  Here red-caught Crime in vain advances
+  "Extenuating Circumstances!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUPLET BY A CYNIC.
+
+(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show.)
+
+  Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks
+  Whilst it gives Private Views--of Pretty Frocks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORLD ON WHEELS.
+
+MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world on a
+bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new social force."
+Possibly. But certain writers to the _Times_ on "The Tyranny of the
+Road," seem to prove that it is also a new _anti_-social force, when
+it frightens horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb,
+we may say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"--well, all over
+the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain. Whilst
+welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not allow the
+"new social force" to develop into a new social despotism. To put it
+pointedly:--
+
+  We welcome these new steeds of steel,
+    (In spite of whistles and of "squealers,")
+  But cannot have the common weal
+    _Too_ much disturbed by common "Wheelers"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.--After the Presidential orations, the
+success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's speech. His audience
+were delighted at being thus "butchered to make" an artistic
+"holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed his regret that "the House
+of Commons did not possess a Hanging Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we
+now and again hear of a Member being "suspended" for some considerable
+time? On such occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There
+was one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged
+with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to himself,
+as, meditating many things, he stood by the much-sounding soda-water,
+"Odd! a lot of speeches; and yet,--_not a word about Orme!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!--VE SHALL NOT BE INTERRUPT IN ZIS
+FREE ENGLAND!"
+
+BULL A1 (_sotto voce_). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO! YOU'LL FIND NO
+_EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES_ HERE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.
+
+BY MRS. PAYLEY.
+
+III.--THE CHOICE OF A POSE.
+
+[Illustration: {Young girl, posing.}]
+
+All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression which
+they wish to create. The natural girl is always either impolite
+or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl who appears
+artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural, and to appear
+natural, is the end at which the young girl should aim. Much, then,
+will depend on the choice of a pose. It should be suitable; there
+should be something in your appearance and abilities to support the
+illusion. I once knew a fat girl, with red hair (the _wrong_ red), &
+good appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the romantic
+pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was quite unable
+to look the part. If she had done the Capital Housekeeper, or the
+Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have married a middle-aged Rector.
+She threw away her chances by choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same
+time the reasons for your choice should never be obvious. There was
+another case, which amused me slightly--a dark girl, with fine eyes.
+She was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some accident
+in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to walk with a stick,
+and her back was bent. She posed as a man-hater. The part suited her
+well enough, for she had rather a pretty wit. "But," I said to her,
+"it is too plainly a case of the fox and the grapes; you hate men
+because you are a cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She
+did not take this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she
+has never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite true.
+She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with love; if you
+ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as well get a wooden
+heart at the same time. But her pose was too obvious--ridiculously
+obvious. She would have done better with something in the way of a
+religious enthusiasm--something very mystical. It would have been
+impressive.
+
+In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards supporting her
+pose; but she must have the intuitions and perceptions of an artist.
+
+The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl in
+London is not naturally child-like. There should be a suggestion
+of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be simple, loose and
+sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon round its neck; say that you
+like chocolate-creams; open your eyes very wide, and suck the tip of
+one finger occasionally. Let your manner generally vary between the
+pensive and the mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially
+of things which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt
+this pose unless your figure is _mignon_ and your complexion pink. Do
+not be _too_ realistic; never be sticky or dirty--men do not care for
+it.
+
+A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is that of
+"the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly the result of
+liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul. The dress should be
+sombre, trailing, and rather distraught: there is a way of arranging
+a _fichu_ which of itself suggests that the heart beneath it is
+blighted. If you happen to possess a few ornaments which are not
+too expensive, distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a
+repressed voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let
+it be known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to
+spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one flower;
+occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you hear music.
+The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower middle-classes, but
+wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir, which either never opens or
+never comes off. Smile sometimes, of course; but be careful to smile
+unnaturally. On all festive occasions divide your time between your
+bedroom and the churchyard.
+
+Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you have
+no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of the
+philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid will be
+your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate in the homes
+of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and, on returning, to
+disseminate in the homes of the rich some of the diseases of the poor.
+Everything about you must be flat; your hats, hair and heels must be
+flat; your denials must be particularly flat. Always take your meals
+in your jacket and a hurry, never with the rest of your family; never
+have time to eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.
+
+I cannot understand why any girl should object to the assumption of
+a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that she preferred to be
+what she seemed to be. She was an exceptional case; I disbelieved in
+her protestations that she was perfectly natural, and managed to get
+some opportunities for observation when she did not know that she was
+observed. I must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to
+get married--suburban happiness and no position--but, as I said, she
+was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I should never have been
+married if I had seemed to be what I really was. I cannot understand
+this desire to be natural--it _is_ so affected.
+
+My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In spite of my
+disclaimer last week, I have been asked several questions which are
+not connected with Sentiment and Propriety. "BELLADONNA" asks my
+advice on rather a delicate case; she is almost engaged to a man, A.,
+and her greatest friend is a girl, B. Happening, the other day, to
+open B.'s Diary by mistake for her own, she discovered that B. is
+also very much in love with A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think
+the most honourable course would be to report in her own Diary a
+statement by A. that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B.
+might mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she
+cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has read
+"BELLADONNA's" Diary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.
+
+SCENE I.--_At the Haymarket.--Darkness visible. Out of it come
+Voices._
+
+_First Voice_ (_probably on stage_). "_Who's there?_"
+
+_Second V._ (_probably in auditorium_). I can't see. Is it TREE?
+
+_Third V._ "_Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself._"
+
+_Fourth V._ I wish I could unfold the seat to let people pass.
+
+_Third V._ "_You come most carefully upon your hour._"
+
+_Fourth V._ Why on earth can't people be more punctual?
+
+_First V._ "_'Tis now struck twelve._"
+
+_Fourth V._ About a dozen people have hit my head scrambling past in
+the dark.
+
+_Third V._ "_For this relief much thanks._"
+
+_Fourth V._ They seem to have got in at last.
+
+_Third V._ "_'Tis bitter cold._"
+
+_Fifth V._ Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send away the ghost, and
+turn up the lights.
+
+_Third V._ "_Not a mouse stirring._" [_Crash._
+
+_Sixth V._ There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a job to find it.
+
+_Third V._ "_Stand, ho!_"
+
+_Seventh V._ Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware that you're standing
+on my foot?
+
+_Third V._ "BERNARDO _has my place._"
+
+_Sixth V._ Here's someone taken my seat!
+
+_First V._ "_What, is_ HORATIO _there?_"
+
+_Eighth V._ Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't see you--but now
+the light's a bit up--(_&c., &c._).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRITERION OF MORALS.--Astutely doing "The Puff Preliminary" in a
+letter to the papers before the production of _The Fringe of Society_
+(i.e., _Le Demi-monde_ freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes
+that "there is no such class, in any recognisable degree, as the
+_demi-monde_ in England." "Recognisable" is good, very good, it saves
+the situation, as of course the _demi-monde_ is _not_, on any account,
+to be recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of the
+world which never knows what the other half is doing. If _The Fringe_,
+as it at first went in to the Licenser, had to be trimmed, CHARLES our
+Friend might have announced his latest version as re-"adapted from the
+_Fringe_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"--ORME. [No others count.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.
+
+BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.
+
+A STORY OF _THE_ SEX.
+
+    (By THOMAS OF WESSEX, Author of "Guess how a Murder feels,"
+    "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a Shoe," "One in
+    a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her," "The Flight of the
+    Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd," "A Lay o' Deceivers,"
+    &c.)
+
+    ["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this book,
+    "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life in modern
+    Wessex. It is well known, of course, that although I often
+    write agricultural novels, I invariably call a spade a spade,
+    and not an agricultural implement. Thus I am led to speak in
+    plain language of women, their misdoings, and their undoings.
+    Unstrained dialect is a speciality. If you want to know the
+    extent of Wessex, consult histories of the Heptarchy with
+    maps."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from the point
+where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards Icenhurst on its way
+to Wintoncester, having on one side the hamlet of Batton, on the
+other the larger town of Casterbridge, stands the farmhouse wherewith
+in this narrative we have to deal. There for generations had dwelt
+the rustic family of the PEEPS, handing down from father to son
+a well-stocked cow-shed and a tradition of rural virtues which
+yet excluded not an overgreat affection on the male side for the
+home-brewed ale and the homemade language in which, as is known,
+the Wessex peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose
+thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though ashamed of
+bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a degree of temperature
+not far removed from the zero-mark of the local Fahrenheit. Within,
+a fire of good Wessex logs crackled cheerily upon the hearth. Old
+ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of the fireplace, his figure yet telling
+a tale of former vigour. On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless,
+neutral, slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may
+find with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair between
+them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an absent inmate.
+A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an ancient clock that had
+ticked away the mortality of many a past and gone PEEP.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+[Illustration: {Bonduca Peep.}]
+
+"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his chair
+so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view. "Like enough
+she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird of a feller, TOM
+TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle round the hills. My soul,
+but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor slammick of a chap."
+
+Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like other
+realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle of
+infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet
+contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it must
+be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have stood as
+pressing concretions which chafe body and soul--a most disagreeable
+state of things, peculiar to the miserably passive existence of a
+Wessex peasant woman.
+
+"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak irrelevance.
+"She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men have bin after
+her--fourteen of 'em, all the best lads round about, some of 'em wi'
+bags and bags of gold to their names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be
+their lawful wedded wife."
+
+ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard lines
+of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist down upon his
+knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the richest, and let him carry
+BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks wear badly, and good characters be
+of no account; but the gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued,
+meditatively, "the old house could be new thatched, and you and me
+live like Lords and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in
+silks and satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles
+to our feet."
+
+POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and thoroughly
+understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of the Wessex peasant.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP--little BO PEEP was the name by which the
+country-folk all knew her--sat dreaming upon the hill-side, looking
+out with a premature woman's eyes upon the rich valley that stretched
+away to the horizon. The rest of the landscape was made up of
+agricultural scenes and incidents which the slightest knowledge of
+Wessex novels can fill in amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of
+dairymen, maidens to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the
+rich pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect, and
+gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as far as
+the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that Bo had that
+morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a flexuous and
+finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a vanished knight
+and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust now mouldered in many
+churchyards. There was about her an amplitude of curve which, joined
+to a certain luxuriance of moulding, betrayed her sex even to a
+careless observer. And when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic
+utterance in a monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of
+startling her relations into temporary propriety.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an amiable
+tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle behind her caused
+her to turn her head, and she saw a strange procession advancing over
+the parched fields where--[Two pages of field-scenery omitted.--ED.]
+One by one they toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply
+defined against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and
+full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled on
+some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its stamp. But
+what most distinguished these remarkable processionists in the clear
+noon of this winter day was that each one carried in her arms an
+infant. And each one, as she reached the place where the enthralled
+BONDUCA sat obliviscent of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid
+the baby down. First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an
+interval by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To
+them succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and Squire
+PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX, the Honourable
+LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY, brought up the rear.
+
+BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young life to
+be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm after all, and the
+audition of these squalling nurslings vexed her. What could the matter
+mean? No answer was given to these questionings. A man's figure,
+vast and terrible, appeared on the hill's brow, with a cruel look of
+triumph on his wicked face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered;
+the noble dames fled shrieking down the valley.
+
+"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in the
+spectrum of your young life."
+
+"Say those words quickly," she retorted.
+
+"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray, Broo-re-ray,
+Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA and his own imperfect
+tongue-power, "you are fooling me. Beware!"
+
+"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she bowed herself
+submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall therefore marry you.
+Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon her.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to
+come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself
+before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity.
+
+And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether rolled
+her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways
+of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic
+completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed,
+irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in it, and rustics
+danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were "blasted," like poor
+BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the calm nonchalance of a
+Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched into a world of reviews,
+where the multitude of readers is not as to their external
+displacements, but as to their subjective experiences.
+
+[THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW GALLERY.
+
+This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all shapes and
+sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the young Ladies:--
+
+No. 13. "_White Roses._" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns here, evidently,
+judging by the young woman's look of anguish. And this is the moral
+POYNTER points.
+
+No. 66. "_A War Cloud._" A Music-HALLÉ singing "_Rule Britannia!_"
+with proper dressings.
+
+No. 18. "_Paderewski._" Surely it ought to be PATTY REWSKY, with
+"Miss" before the name. _Moral_, "Get your hair cut!"
+
+No. 284. "_Nightfall in the Dauphinée._" "_Might_ fall," it ought to
+be, and no wonder if she walked about on so dark a night with such a
+load in her arms!
+
+No. 165. "_Che sara sara._" A pedestrian match in the Metropolis. In
+fact, _Walker, London_. A portrait of _Sarah_, after she has been
+let down into the punt, the shock having dislocated her shoulder. She
+might have kept _Col. Neal's_ clothes round her neck to hide her back.
+
+No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND KHNPFF. Our
+Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that he went out to get
+assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to pronounce the painter's
+name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now in a precarious state.
+Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant
+Sub-Critic, and a few extra Supernumerary Critics, then went in a
+body and looked at this young woman's head, apparently taken after
+an interview with Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all
+sides, and finally stood on their own, but they could not make head
+or tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning, and
+paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this journal.
+
+There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young Ladies, but
+those mentioned above are the most remarkable in the New Girlery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANY MAN TO ANY WOMAN.
+
+  O woman, in our hours of ease,
+  We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"
+  But when there's prospect of a row,
+  _You're_ best out of it anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, THAT TUNE!"
+
+A Sketch of an Unintentional and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie
+Collins.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO ARCHERS.--In the _P.M.G._ of Saturday last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in
+a signed article, criticises a book on "_How to Write a Good Play_, by
+FRANK ARCHER." In expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes
+Frank--unpleasantly Frank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RIDDLE.
+
+  While Publishers their fortunes make
+    And wax exceeding fat,
+  The Author still is like a rake.
+    Now, pray account for that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers
+    Out of this room, where we think more of ham
+  Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than HERKOMERS,
+    Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON with lamb,
+
+  Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and celery,
+    And not of the drawings at which we should look;
+  Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,
+    But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of "Cook."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+House of Commons, Monday, April 25.--Session resumed to-day after
+Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says, Session comes but Members
+linger. Not forty present when business commenced. "May as well go
+on." said the SPEAKER, whom everybody glad to see looking brisk and
+hearty after his holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."
+
+So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or
+enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got to
+business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to be measure
+involving closest interests of the great empire that CLIVE helped to
+make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after. Appearance of House suggestive
+rather of some local question affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney
+Marsh. Below Gangway, on Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present.
+Member for Oldham a sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space.
+Above Gangway RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE
+CURZON had Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing
+how cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite
+staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his looks,
+sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought. Pretty to
+see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made graceful allusion to
+his genius and statesmanlike conduct of affairs. "Approbation from Sir
+HUBERT STANLEY," as he later observed, "is praise indeed."
+
+[Illustration: "So-and-So."]
+
+Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above Gangway
+opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's vacant place
+as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party brimful of energy,
+enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopædic knowledge--MORTON, SEYMOUR
+KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE
+OF CAMBORNE, who has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows
+all about India.
+
+Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN whilst
+he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS PELLY, who
+really knew something about India, and therefore would probably not
+have spoken had he been here to-night. A kindly, courteous, upright,
+valiant gentleman, who took a little too seriously the joke House had
+with him about the Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous
+speech on the question, with its graphic description of forced marches
+"from So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to
+So-forth."
+
+PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he, too, has
+made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on into the unmapped
+So-forth.
+
+MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous desolate House. Only one
+other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several speeches
+dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me will bear me out
+when I say--" Instant commotion below Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on
+his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against
+MORTON. All animated by desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth.
+He breathlessly explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and,
+they reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter end.
+
+Business done.--Practically none.
+
+Tuesday.--Amid the pomps and vanities of a wicked world there is
+something refreshing and reassuring in spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN
+ANNE'S GATE going about his daily business. One would describe him
+as childlike and bland, only for recollection that combination of
+harmless endearing epithet has been applied in another connection and
+might be misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that
+so accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to pose
+Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution. Wanted to know
+whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between months of September
+and December in present year, a Bill would be brought in to accelerate
+Registration? Terms of question being set forth on printed paper, not
+necessary for the SAGE to recite them. For this he seemed grateful.
+It relieved him from the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR
+by a reference to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt
+at being asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his
+seat--so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not impose his
+full height on the eyesight of the Minister--"begged to ask the FIRST
+LORD OF THE TREASURY Question No. 8."
+
+Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he looked at
+the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the question addressed
+to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually wanting to know something
+about the date of the Dissolution, and what would follow in certain
+contingencies. As a philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the
+vagaries of the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his
+large leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of
+doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number, indulging
+in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the contingency
+referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they had not even
+contemplated taking any steps to meet it.
+
+Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose, the
+Government would act in the manner he had suggested?
+
+No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in full view
+of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw that deduction from
+what he had said.
+
+[Illustration: Cap'n Birkbeck.]
+
+The House, having listened intently to this artless conversation,
+proceeded to business of the day, which happily included the adoption
+of a Resolution engaging the Government to connect with the mainland,
+by telephone or telegraph, the lighthouses and lightships that
+twinkle round our stormy coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved
+this Resolution, seconded from other side in admirable speech by
+MARJORIBANKS.
+
+Business done.--Excellent.
+
+Wednesday.--Much surprised, strolling down to House this afternoon,
+to find place in sort of state of siege. Policemen, policemen
+everywhere, and, as one sadly observed, "not a drop to drink." Haven't
+seen anything like it since KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops
+from his mane as he walked through Palace Yard, passing through
+enthusiastic crowd into House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts
+in Old Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old
+GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table, scene was
+somewhat similar.
+
+"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our able and
+indefatigable Superintendent striding about the Corridor, as NAPOLEON
+visited the outposts on the eve of Austerlitz.
+
+"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of them at
+St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman driven off at
+point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up; party of the name of
+BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on the flat of his back."
+
+"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for oratorical
+effort. But you seem to have got new men at the various posts?"
+
+"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice to whisper;
+"we've picked em out. Gone through the Force; mustered all the
+bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion of argument on Woman's
+Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night, floor nearly ankle-deep in
+loose hair. They don't get much off _my_ men," said HORSLEY, proudly.
+
+[Illustration: "So young and so iniquitous!"]
+
+Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably they had
+something to do with the almost disappointing result. Everything
+passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate had been India,
+or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million or two. Ladies locked
+up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with lime-lights playing on placards
+hung on walls enforcing "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH
+should come on early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had
+marvellously sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later,
+ASQUITH demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars,
+that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a shrill
+whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR, dexterously
+intervening, soothed the angry breast by his chivalrous advocacy of
+Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat there floated over the charmed
+House, coming "So young and so as it were from heavenly spheres above
+the iniquitous!" SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a
+man!"
+
+Business done.--Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected by 175 Votes against
+152.
+
+Friday Night.--Little sparring match between Front Benches. Mr.
+G. and all his merry men anxious, above all things, to know when
+Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR
+interested, but ignorant. Can't understand why people should always
+be talking about Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a
+sufficient majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the
+month of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence
+in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there will
+be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme. Let him
+contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and not trouble
+his head about indefinite details like Dissolutions.
+
+This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he became
+Leader.
+
+Business done.--None.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE WEATHER.
+
+  The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,
+    The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for tea.
+  It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;
+    Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and me.
+  With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent leather),
+    My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my hair,
+  Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the weather,
+    I am safe--the barometer points to "Set Fair."
+
+  So I'm off--why, what's that? Yes, by Jove, there's a sputter
+    Of rain on the pavement!--the sunshine retires;
+  And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to utter
+    The thoughts that this changeable weather inspires.
+  Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and disgusted;
+    In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt it again;
+  And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted
+    The barometer's index, which now points to "Rain."
+
+  Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and "bowler,"--
+    My STELLA thinks more of a man than his dress.
+  I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console her.
+    Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll love me no less.
+  Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy them--
+    Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing away!
+  The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry them.
+    Well, there, I give up, and retire for the day!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOLUME 102, MAY 7, 1892***
+
+
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102,
+May 7, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, May 7, 1892</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: January 5, 2005  [eBook #14601]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOLUME 102, MAY 7, 1892***</p>
+<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br />
+                and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br />
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 102.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>May 7, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page217"
+       id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span>
+
+    <h2>'ARRY ON WHEELS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/217.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/217.png"
+             alt="Our 'Arry Laureate." /></a>Our 'Arry Laureate.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>DEAR CHARLIE,&mdash;Spring's on us at last, and a
+            proper old April we've 'ad,</p>
+
+            <p>Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made
+            'oliday makers feel mad.</p>
+
+            <p>Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems
+            somehow to take a delight</p>
+
+            <p>In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was
+            out of sheer spite.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in
+            orfice or fact'ry, or shop,</p>
+
+            <p>The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller
+            feels fair on the 'op;</p>
+
+            <p>But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings
+            all round is in train,</p>
+
+            <p>It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster
+            of rain.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go
+            as crooked as Z.</p>
+
+            <p>Feelosophers <i>may</i> think it out, 'ARRY ain't
+            got the 'eart, or the 'ead;</p>
+
+            <p>But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's
+            fust laws, and no kid.</p>
+
+            <p>If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good
+            'ealth and <i>no</i> quid!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good
+            outing&mdash;on wheels;</p>
+
+            <p>For I've took to the bicycle, yus,&mdash;and can
+            show a good many my 'eels.</p>
+
+            <p>You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a
+            smooth bit of straight road,</p>
+
+            <p>And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of
+            wheeling, I'm blowed.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Larks fust and larks larst is <i>my</i> motter. Old
+            RICHARDSON's rumbo is rot.</p>
+
+            <p>Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts
+            to a sanit'ry pot;</p>
+
+            <p>But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty
+            scenery, and that,</p>
+
+            <p>As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly
+            is not sech a flat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for
+            good 'ealth, I've no doubt</p>
+
+            <p>That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is
+            mere turning about,</p>
+
+            <p>Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No,
+            wheeling <i>as</i> wheeling's 'ard work,</p>
+
+            <p>And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I
+            always did shirk.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>I</i> ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with
+            a chest 'ollered out, and a 'ump,</p>
+
+            <p>Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or
+            go slap off their chump.</p>
+
+            <p>You don't ketch <i>me</i> straining my 'eart till it
+            cracks for a big silver mug.</p>
+
+            <p>No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel
+            cosy and snug.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up
+            to champion form.</p>
+
+            <p>And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the
+            Wheel-World by storm,</p>
+
+            <p>Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin'
+            to lace up 'is boot.</p>
+
+            <p>Let them go for <i>that</i> game as are mind to,
+            here's one as it certn'y won't soot.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd
+            'ardly emagine 'ow much,</p>
+
+            <p>If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and
+            skyfoozled some dawdling old Dutch.</p>
+
+            <p>Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly
+            the doddering old sort</p>
+
+            <p>As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it!
+            that makes a'rf the sport!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled
+            tremenjus at fust,</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a
+            thundering thust;</p>
+
+            <p>I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling
+            about on the loose,</p>
+
+            <p>As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and
+            about as much use.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now I <i>don't</i> like to look like a juggins, it's
+            wot I carn't stand, s'elp my bob;</p>
+
+            <p>But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal,
+            when I'm fair on the job.</p>
+
+            <p>So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of
+            grass and tall trees,</p>
+
+            <p>Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer
+            'twas "go as yer please."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as
+            Solsberry Plain,</p>
+
+            <p>Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when
+            it's welting with rain;</p>
+
+            <p>Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and
+            studyus old stodges live there,</p>
+
+            <p>And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel;
+            but wot did <i>I</i> care.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked
+            'em a smart bit o' lip,</p>
+
+            <p>With a big D or two&mdash;for the ladies&mdash;and
+            wosn't they soon on the skip!</p>
+
+            <p>'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I
+            could fair feel my feet;</p>
+
+            <p>If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure
+            it'll do you a treat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties
+            don't run yer much risk,</p>
+
+            <p>And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle
+            along pooty brisk;</p>
+
+            <p>And <i>then</i> came the barney, my bloater! I jined
+            'arf a dozen prime pals,</p>
+
+            <p>And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts,
+            and espessh'lly the gals.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules,
+            sportsman form, and sech muck.</p>
+
+            <p>I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and
+            trust to pot-luck.</p>
+
+            <p>A rush twelve-a-breast <i>is</i> a gammock, twelve
+            squeakers a going like one;</p>
+
+            <p>But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer
+            sperrits, and spile all the fun.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well,
+            mugs will keep spouting it still;</p>
+
+            <p>But wot <i>is</i> it to me and my mates, treadles
+            loose, and a-chargin' down 'ill?</p>
+
+            <p>Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers,
+            our 'owls, women's shrieks, and men's swears!</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a
+            busting down-stairs.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming
+            girl's school on the trot,</p>
+
+            <p>May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't
+            <i>my</i> form by a lot.</p>
+
+            <p>Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the
+            old buffers as prowl</p>
+
+            <p>Along green country roads at their ease, till
+            they're scared by my squeak, or my 'owl?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My "alarm" <i>is</i> a caution I tell yer; it sounds
+            like some shrill old macaw,</p>
+
+            <p>Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives
+            yer a twist in the jaw,</p>
+
+            <p>And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till
+            I shake in my socks</p>
+
+            <p>When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump
+            like a Jack-in-the-box.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray
+            likewise, dear boy.</p>
+
+            <p>'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that
+            chorus,&mdash;a boon and a joy!</p>
+
+            <p>Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables
+            jest makes me bust;</p>
+
+            <p>When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus
+            than the row and the dust!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our
+            spins out of town;</p>
+
+            <p>Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we
+            just ladle it down?</p>
+
+            <p>And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder
+            well over the wheel,</p>
+
+            <p>And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer
+            I make the thing squeal.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well
+            back on my 'ed,</p>
+
+            <p>And my spine fairly <i>'umped</i> to it, CHARLIE,
+            and then carn't I paint the town red?</p>
+
+            <p>They call me "The Camel" for that, <i>and</i> my
+            stomach-capas'ty for "wet."</p>
+
+            <p>Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the
+            liquor,&mdash;you bet!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long
+            squeals to the <i>Times</i> about hus.</p>
+
+            <p>They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor!
+            it's all fidgets and fuss.</p>
+
+            <p>I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got
+            no heye for a lark.</p>
+
+            <p><i>I</i> know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and
+            squirm if we makes a remark.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em
+            the haffable nod;</p>
+
+            <p>Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being
+            scowled at, it's hodd.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although
+            they may look a mite shy;</p>
+
+            <p>It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or
+            fie-fie.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of
+            hus&mdash;BUGGINS and me,</p>
+
+            <p>MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and
+            TOFF JONES, and MICK SHEE;</p>
+
+            <p>All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along
+            comes a gurl on a 'orse.</p>
+
+            <p>Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and
+            gave 'er a rouser, in course.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked
+            so remarkable rum,</p>
+
+            <p>That we <i>couldn't</i> 'elp doing a larf, though
+            the gurl wos pertikler yum-yum;</p>
+
+            <p>We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a
+            swell, and he swore,</p>
+
+            <p>And&mdash;would you believe it, old pal?&mdash;went
+            for BUGGINS, and give 'im wot for!!!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike,
+            surely, about sech a hact!</p>
+
+            <p>Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere
+            crackpots as ain't got no tact.</p>
+
+            <p>We all did a guy like greased lightning; you
+            <i>can</i> when you're once on your wheel&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls
+            can do nothink but squeal.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's
+            beastly to think a fine sport</p>
+
+            <p>And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be
+            kiboshed by mugs of that sort.</p>
+
+            <p>All boko! dear boy, those <i>Times</i> letters! I
+            mean the new barney to carry,</p>
+
+            <p>As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their
+            meddlesome mawleys orf</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">'ARRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218"
+       id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/218.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/218.png"
+             alt="THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Clara Robinson</i> (<i>née Vere de Vere</i>).
+        "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN
+        I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Conductor.</i> "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY
+        DECAYED ARISTOCRACY TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS
+        UP THEIR MANNERS!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>After a Celebrated Model.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <center>
+        COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892.
+    </center>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
+        sonnets on the South-Eastern."&mdash;<i>Mr. Barry Pain, "In
+        the Smoking-Room."</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Earth has not anything to show less fair:</p>
+
+            <p>Patient were he of soul who could pass by</p>
+
+            <p>A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry</p>
+
+            <p>Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,</p>
+
+            <p>Without one single, solitary swear.</p>
+
+            <p>The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,</p>
+
+            <p>The prompt "next platform" (which is all my
+            eye),</p>
+
+            <p>The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;</p>
+
+            <p>Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,</p>
+
+            <p>Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one
+            ill;</p>
+
+            <p>The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!</p>
+
+            <p>The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.</p>
+
+            <p>Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,</p>
+
+            <p>That the long humbugged Public stands it still?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.&mdash;A good combination of names is
+    to be found in an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at
+    Prince's Hall, Piccadilly, on the evening of May 11, to be
+    given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr. A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it
+    might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made Concert." If
+    REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give credit?
+    <i>Solvitur ambulando</i>&mdash;that is, Walk in, and you'll
+    find out. It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY,
+    "Master G.," who is going to perform on an Erard piano, when,
+    as his REDDIE-witted companion playfully observes, "The
+    youthful pianist will out-Erard ERARD."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"Call you this Backing your Friends?"</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Confused Conservative.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough
+            rage,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Conservatism is as shield and fetter
+            meant;</p>
+
+            <p>And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And RITCHIE tells us he approves of
+            "Betterment"!</p>
+
+            <p>O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,</p>
+
+            <p>Is <i>this</i> to be the end of all our dreams?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.</h2>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Interior of a Foreign Law Court.
+            Numerous officials in attendance performing their
+            various duties in an apprehensive sort of way. Audience
+            small but determined.</i></p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>nervously</i>). Now are we really
+        protected from disturbance?</p>
+
+        <p><i>General in Command of Troops.</i> I think so. The
+        Court House is surrounded by an Army Corps, and the
+        Engineers find that the place has not been undermined to at
+        least a distance of a thousand feet.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>somewhat reassured</i>). Well, now I
+        think we may proceed with the trial. Admit the accused.</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>[<i>The</i> Prisoner <i>is bowed into the dock, and
+            accommodated with a comfortably cushioned
+            arm-chair.</i></p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Good morning. (<i>To</i> Judge.) You
+        can resume your hat.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>bowing to the</i> Prisoner). Accused, I
+        am deeply honoured by your courtesy. I trust you have been
+        comfortable in the State apartments that have been recently
+        supplied to you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>firmly</i>). State apartment! Why it
+        was a prison! You know it, <i>M. le Juge</i>, and you,
+        Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses. (<i>The entire
+        audience shudder apprehensively.</i>) And, what is more, my
+        friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and
+        thrown into prison. Yes, they know that, and will act
+        accordingly.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>tearfully</i>). I am sure none of us
+        wished to offend you!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Members of the Bar</i> (<i>in a breath</i>).
+        Certainly not!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose
+        you don't want any evidence. You have heard what I have
+        said. You know that I regret having caused inconvenience to
+        my innocent victims. They would forgive me for my innocent
+        intentions. I only wished to save everybody by blowing
+        everybody up.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Court generally.</i> Yes, yes!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> Well, I have just done. And now what
+        say the Jury? Where are they?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman of the Jury</i> (<i>white with fear</i>). I
+        am, Sir,&mdash;very pleased to see you, Sir,&mdash;hope you
+        are well, Sir?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>). Tol lol. And
+        now what do you say? am I Guilty or Not Guilty?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We
+        will talk it over, Sir&mdash;if you don't mind, Sir.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> I need not tell you that my friends
+        outside take the greatest possible interest in your
+        proceedings.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>promptly</i>). Why, yes, Sir! The
+        fact is we have all had anonymous letters daily, saying
+        that we shall be blown out of house and home if we harm
+        you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>laughing</i>). Oh, be under no
+        apprehension. It is merely the circular of my friends. Only
+        a compilation of hints for the guidance of the Gentlemen of
+        the Jury.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman.</i> Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that
+        spirit.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner.</i> You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have
+        surely had time to make up your minds. Do you find me
+        Guilty or Not Guilty?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>earnestly</i>). Why, Not Guilty, to
+        be sure.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge.</i> Release the accused! Sir, you have my
+        congratulations. Pray accept my distinguished
+        consideration.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>coldly</i>). You are very good. And
+        now adieu, and off to breakfast with what appetite ye
+        may!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Entire Court</i> (<i>falling on their knees, and
+        raising their hands in supplication</i>). Mercy, Sir! For
+        pity's sake, mercy!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>fiercely</i>). Mercy! What, after
+        I have been arrested! Mercy! after I have been cast into
+        gaol!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>in tears.</i>) They thought they were
+        right. They were, doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the
+        remainder of the row of houses! Can you not consider this a
+        plea for extenuating circumstances?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>sternly</i>). No. It was my
+        business, not theirs. It was I who paid for the
+        dynamite&mdash;not they. (<i>Preparing to leave the
+        Court.</i>) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my
+        friends!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>following him to the door</i>). Nay,
+        stay! See us&mdash;we kneel to you. (<i>To audience.</i>)
+        Kneel, friends, kneel! (<i>Everybody obeys the
+        direction.</i>) One last appeal! (<i>In a voice broken with
+        emotion.</i>) We all have Mothers!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ex-Prisoner</i> (<i>thunder-stricken</i>). You all
+        have Mothers! I knew not this. I pardon you! [<i>The
+        audience utter shouts of joy, and the</i> Ex-Prisoner
+        <i>extends his hands towards them in the attitude of
+        benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux.</i></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page219"
+       id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/219.png"><img width="60%"
+             src="images/219.png"
+             alt="HESITATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>HESITATION.</h3><i>Russian Recruiting Sergeant.</i>.
+        "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS LAD, TAKE THE
+        IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN
+        YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page220"
+       id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY
+    FAMILIAR FRIEND FOR THE R.A. SEASON.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:24%;">
+        <a href="images/220-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-1.png"
+             alt="No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror," />
+             </a>No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror,
+             privately practicing production of glass bowl full of
+             water from nowhere in particular; a subject not
+             unnaturally associated with the name of Waterhouse, A.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:24%;">
+        <a href="images/220-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-3.png"
+             alt="No. 164. Watts the douche is this?" /></a>No.
+             164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow shower-bath?
+             by G.F. Watts, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 16. It is called "<i>A Toast.</i> By AGNES E. WALKER."
+    It should be called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to
+    represent an eminent tenor unavoidably prevented by cold,
+    &amp;c., when staying at home, and taking the mixture as
+    before.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 19. A musical subject, "<i>The Open C.</i>" By HENRY
+    MOORE, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 24. "<i>Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too
+    much.</i>" Black Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a
+    row. The person who "calls himself a Gentleman" is seen as a
+    retiring person in another mirror. ETTORE TITO.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 40. <i>Little Bo Peep after Lunch</i>, supported by a
+    tree. Early intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come
+    home, leave tails b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 56. <i>Ben Ledi.</i> This is a puzzle picture by Mr.
+    JAMES ELLIOT. Of course there is in it, somewhere or other, a
+    portrait of the eminent Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find
+    him.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/220-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-2.png"
+             alt="No. 287. 'Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the Iron's hot!'" />
+        </a>No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the Iron's
+        hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a
+        hit immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes,
+        A. (and "A. 1," adds <i>Mr. P.</i>), prepare to receive
+        congratulations!
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 83. "<i>The Coming Sneeze.</i>" Picture of a Lady
+    evidently saying, "Oh dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S.
+    BENHAM.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 89. "<i>Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN
+    Point.</i>" JOHN PETTIE, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a
+    bald-headed bust, and singing to a maiden, "<i>Get your Hair
+    Cut!</i>" RALPH PEACOCK.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 97. "<i>Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!</i>"
+    "Must hide it before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE,
+    R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 102. "<i>Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn
+    Tennis Player.</i>" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie
+    Bridge man.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 105. "<i>Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it.</i>" <i>Vide
+    Sam Weller.</i> "JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:27%;">
+        <a href="images/220-4.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-4.png"
+             alt="No. 212. 'The Left-out Gauntlet.'" /></a>No. 212.
+             "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you are, indeed!
+             Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most
+             expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if
+             the confounded cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten
+             to send my right gauntlet!" John Pettie, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 107. "<i>Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing
+    Dairymaid.</i>" Taken in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him
+    several inches of canvas, and he'll take a NELL) as she was
+    about to put a little water out of the stream into the fresh
+    milk pail.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:53%;">
+        <a href="images/220-5.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-5.png"
+             alt="No. 173. 'A First Rehearsal.'" /></a>No. 173. "A
+             First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor, Mr. Gommersal
+             of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the
+             Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the
+             author of the Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The
+             Battle of Waterloo' was seated finishing the last Act.
+             'What do you think of this?' asked Mr. G.,
+             triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the
+             author, sharply. 'What!' exclaimed the astonished
+             veteran, 'do you mean to say my make-up for Napoleon
+             isn't good! Well I'm &mdash;&mdash;' 'You will be, if
+             you appear like that,' interrupted the author
+             decisively,"&mdash;Vide <i>Widdicomb's History of the
+             Battle of Waterloo at Astley's</i>. W.Q. Orchardson,
+             R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:22%;">
+        <a href="images/220-6.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/220-6.png"
+             alt="No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment." /></a>No.
+             344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of
+             Illustration. Interval during change of costume.
+             "Behold these graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page221"
+       id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span>
+
+    <p>No. 130. <i>A (Sir Donald) Currie</i>, admirably done in P.
+    and O. (Paint and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 211. "<i>Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind.</i>"&mdash;<i>As
+    You Like It.</i> But we <i>don't</i> like it&mdash;we mean, the
+    wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and dreary! We suppose that in
+    order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must have been thoroughly
+    wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir J.E. MILLAIS,
+    Bart., R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 228. "<i>The Great Auk's Egg.</i>" "Auk-ward moment: is
+    it genuine or not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably
+    been auk'd about before, genuine or not There'll be a <i>great
+    tauk (!)</i> about it," says H.S. MARKS, R.A.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow
+            here,</p>
+
+            <p>Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a
+            sheep."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Old Song</i>, illustrated by SIDNEY
+    COOPER, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 250. "<i>Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early
+    in the Ear.</i>" "She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to
+    herself, 'Shall I have many dances this season?' 'You've got a
+    ball in hand,' whispered small and early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,'
+    she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand is indeed worth a
+    whisper in the ear.'" <i>From the Greek of Akephalos.</i> W.
+    ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/221-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-1.png"
+             alt="No. 204. 'Three Little Maids from School.'" />
+             </a>No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A
+             wealth of colour. The subject is this:&mdash;After an
+             ample school-feast, the girls sat drowsily under an
+             orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled by the
+             appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy
+             Jane," cried Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt
+             yer, 'ee only comes from the Lowther Harkade." Sir
+             Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 272. <i>The Flying Farini Family.</i> Nothing like
+    bringing 'em up to the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R.
+    MORRIS, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 290. "<i>Sittin' and Satin.</i>" IRLAM BRIGGS.
+    [N.B.&mdash;<i>Mr. P.</i> always delighted to welcome the
+    immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of JOHN LEECH's boys
+    drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,&mdash;hung!]</p>
+
+    <p>No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking
+    directly at the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the
+    right man in the right place, <i>i.e., on the line</i>."
+    Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 311. <i>Popping in on them</i>, in not quite a friendly
+    way, by Very Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 317. "<i>Strong Op-inions.</i>" A Political Picture by a
+    Liberal Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 342. <i>A Person sitting uprightly.</i> By BENTLEY.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 351. "<i>Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!</i>"
+    By J.T. NETTLESHIP.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/221-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-2.png"
+             alt="No. 458. 'Peas and War.'" /></a>No. 458. "Peas
+             and War." Club Committee ordering dinner. See corner
+             figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The
+             Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r
+             remonstrates strongly, "What! not have peas?
+             Nonsense!" That's how the row began, and they "gave
+             him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and
+             managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody;
+             which the limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 373. "<i>There is a Flower that bloometh.</i>" The Mayor
+    of AVON, as he appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL
+    R. MORRIS, A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 412. "<i>Hush a bye, Bibby!</i>" Capital picture, speaks
+    for itself. "I know that man, he comes from&mdash;Liverpool."
+    Brought here by LUKE FILDES, R.A.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 440. "<i>Poppylar Error.</i>" <i>Old Lady</i>
+    (<i>loq.</i>). "Oh, dear! I've eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up
+    poppies, and I do feel so&mdash;Oh! I feel my colour is
+    gradually PALIN (W.M.)."</p>
+
+    <p>No. 502. "<i>What, no Soap!</i>" She may appear a trifle
+    cracky, but no one can say that this picture represents her as
+    having gone "clean mad." ANNA BILINSKA.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/221-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-3.png"
+             alt="No. 699. 'Very Like a Whale,'" /></a>No. 699.
+             "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not caught yet.
+             C.N. Henry.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 553. <i>Margate Sands in Ancient Times</i>. Cruel
+    conduct of an Ancient Warrior towards a young lady who refused
+    to bathe in the sea. Full of life by E.M. HALE (and
+    Hearty).</p>
+
+    <p>No. 575. "<i>Poor Thing!</i>" Touching picture of ideal
+    patient in Æsthetic Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 636. "<i>A Clever Examiner drawing him out.</i>"
+    [N.B.&mdash;This ought to have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's
+    Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/221-4.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/221-4.png"
+             alt="No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a boiled lobster." />
+        </a>No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a
+        boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.&mdash;Your eye is sure
+        to be caught by this Hook. But the picture must be looked
+        at from our point of view, from the opposite side of the
+        room.]
+    </div>
+
+    <p>No. 686. <i>Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq.</i> The
+    Artist has, of course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but
+    little here below," but he doesn't get anything at all, being
+    cut off, so to speak, in his prime about the second
+    shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken before the
+    Artist at "Pettie Sessions."</p>
+
+    <p>No. 1041. "<i>Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King
+    Charles's Martyrdom.</i>" FRED HALL.</p>
+
+    <p>SCULPTURE.&mdash;The descriptions in the Guide are too
+    painful. We prefer not, to give any names, but here are
+    specimens:&mdash;"Mr. So-and-so, <i>to be executed in
+    bronze</i>"; "The late Thingummy&mdash;<i>bust</i>!" These will
+    suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "<i>All Three going to
+    Bath</i>" by GEORGE FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means
+    least, a very good likeness of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY,
+    R.A., and while we think of it, we'll treat him as a cabman and
+    "take his number," which it's 1941, done by JOHN ADAMS-ACTON,
+    and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude our pick of
+    the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with
+    <i>one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>ARS LONGA.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of
+            May,</p>
+
+            <p>That is "<b>A</b>RT," which you start with a
+            thundering <b>A</b>.</p>
+
+            <p>Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete
+            way.</p>
+
+            <p>Some think "<small>art</small>" would impart all the
+            work of to-day.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page222"
+       id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/222.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/222.png"
+             alt="THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.</h3>
+
+        <p>"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR&mdash;AND THOSE ARE HIS
+        CHILDREN!"</p>
+
+        <p>"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"</p>
+
+        <p>"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE
+        UGLY ONES THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.</h2>
+
+    <center>
+        Mr. P.C. BULL, <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From lands less free! I grudge you
+            room</p>
+
+            <p>Among my hosts of honest workers.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Had I the settling of your doom,</p>
+
+            <p>Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.</p>
+
+            <p>As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A Land of Liberty! Precisely.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And curs of that advantage take.</p>
+
+            <p>But, if you want my tip concisely,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We hate the wolf and loathe the
+            snake:</p>
+
+            <p>And as you seem a blend of both,</p>
+
+            <p>To crush you I'd be little loth.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Freedom we love, and, to secure it,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Take rough and smooth with constant
+            mind.</p>
+
+            <p>Espionage? We ill endure it,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But Liberty need not be blind.</p>
+
+            <p>Sorrow's asylum is our isle;</p>
+
+            <p>But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To flout that isle foes are not chary,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When of its shelter not in need;</p>
+
+            <p>But, when in search of sanctuary,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They fly thereto with wondrous speed.</p>
+
+            <p>Asylum? Ay! But learn&mdash;in time&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Foes dub me sinister, satanic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A friend of Nihilists and knaves;</p>
+
+            <p>Because I will not let mere panic</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Rob me of sympathy with slaves,</p>
+
+            <p>And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!</p>
+
+            <p>Their railings will not make me budge.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I've taken up my stand for freedom,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll jackal to no autocrat;</p>
+
+            <p>But rogues with hands as red as Edom,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,</p>
+
+            <p>I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.</p>
+
+            <p>I have no sympathy with vermin.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Doors open, welcome hospitable</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For all, unchallenged, is my style;</p>
+
+            <p>But trust not to the fatuous fable</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That <i>Caliban</i>'s free of my isle</p>
+
+            <p>With prosperous <i>Prospero's</i> free consent.</p>
+
+            <p>Such lies mad autocrats invent.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Such for some centuries they've been telling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush</p>
+
+            <p>Upon the threshold of my dwelling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But shall not join a purblind rush</p>
+
+            <p>Of panic-stricken fools to play</p>
+
+            <p>The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who, frightened now by those you'd
+            fright,</p>
+
+            <p>Would fain slink off among the shadows,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To plot out further deeds of night,</p>
+
+            <p>Our isle's immunity you boast!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>You're reckoning without your host.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I think you'll find it hard to scare;</p>
+
+            <p><i>We</i> worship no Anarchic furies,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For menace are not wont to care,</p>
+
+            <p>Here red-caught Crime in vain advances</p>
+
+            <p>"Extenuating Circumstances!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Couplet by a Cynic.</h3>
+
+    <center>
+        (<i>After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture
+        Show.</i>)
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks</p>
+
+            <p>Whilst it gives Private Views&mdash;of Pretty
+            Frocks!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE WORLD ON WHEELS.</h3>
+
+    <p>MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world
+    on a bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new
+    social force." Possibly. But certain writers to the
+    <i>Times</i> on "The Tyranny of the Road," seem to prove that
+    it is also a new <i>anti</i>-social force, when it frightens
+    horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb, we may
+    say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"&mdash;well, all over
+    the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain.
+    Whilst welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not
+    allow the "new social force" to develop into a new social
+    despotism. To put it pointedly:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We welcome these new steeds of steel,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(In spite of whistles and of
+            "squealers,")</p>
+
+            <p>But cannot have the common weal</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Too</i> much disturbed by common
+            "Wheelers"!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.&mdash;After the Presidential
+    orations, the success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's
+    speech. His audience were delighted at being thus "butchered to
+    make" an artistic "holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed
+    his regret that "the House of Commons did not possess a Hanging
+    Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we now and again hear of a Member
+    being "suspended" for some considerable time? On such
+    occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There was
+    one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged
+    with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to
+    himself, as, meditating many things, he stood by the
+    much-sounding soda-water, "Odd! a lot of speeches; and
+    yet,&mdash;<i>not a word about Orme!</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page223"
+       id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/223.png"><img width="60%"
+             src="images/223.png"
+             alt="RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST." /></a>
+
+        <h3>RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.</h3>
+
+        <p>FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!&mdash;VE SHALL NOT BE
+        INTERRUPT IN ZIS FREE ENGLAND!"</p>
+
+        <p>BULL A1 (<i>sotto voce</i>). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO!
+        YOU'LL FIND NO <i>EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES</i> HERE!!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page225"
+       id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>By Mrs. Payley.</i></h4>
+
+    <h3>III.&mdash;THE CHOICE OF A POSE.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/225.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/225.png"
+             alt="Young girl, posing." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression
+    which they wish to create. The natural girl is always either
+    impolite or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl
+    who appears artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural,
+    and to appear natural, is the end at which the young girl
+    should aim. Much, then, will depend on the choice of a pose. It
+    should be suitable; there should be something in your
+    appearance and abilities to support the illusion. I once knew a
+    fat girl, with red hair (the <i>wrong</i> red), &amp; good
+    appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the
+    romantic pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was
+    quite unable to look the part. If she had done the Capital
+    Housekeeper, or the Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have
+    married a middle-aged Rector. She threw away her chances by
+    choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same time the reasons for
+    your choice should never be obvious. There was another case,
+    which amused me slightly&mdash;a dark girl, with fine eyes. She
+    was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some
+    accident in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to
+    walk with a stick, and her back was bent. She posed as a
+    man-hater. The part suited her well enough, for she had rather
+    a pretty wit. "But," I said to her, "it is too plainly a case
+    of the fox and the grapes; you hate men because you are a
+    cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She did not take
+    this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she has
+    never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite
+    true. She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with
+    love; if you ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as
+    well get a wooden heart at the same time. But her pose was too
+    obvious&mdash;ridiculously obvious. She would have done better
+    with something in the way of a religious
+    enthusiasm&mdash;something very mystical. It would have been
+    impressive.</p>
+
+    <p>In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards
+    supporting her pose; but she must have the intuitions and
+    perceptions of an artist.</p>
+
+    <p>The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl
+    in London is not naturally child-like. There should be a
+    suggestion of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be
+    simple, loose and sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon
+    round its neck; say that you like chocolate-creams; open your
+    eyes very wide, and suck the tip of one finger occasionally.
+    Let your manner generally vary between the pensive and the
+    mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially of things
+    which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt
+    this pose unless your figure is <i>mignon</i> and your
+    complexion pink. Do not be <i>too</i> realistic; never be
+    sticky or dirty&mdash;men do not care for it.</p>
+
+    <p>A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is
+    that of "the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly
+    the result of liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul.
+    The dress should be sombre, trailing, and rather distraught:
+    there is a way of arranging a <i>fichu</i> which of itself
+    suggests that the heart beneath it is blighted. If you happen
+    to possess a few ornaments which are not too expensive,
+    distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a repressed
+    voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let it be
+    known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to
+    spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one
+    flower; occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you
+    hear music. The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower
+    middle-classes, but wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir,
+    which either never opens or never comes off. Smile sometimes,
+    of course; but be careful to smile unnaturally. On all festive
+    occasions divide your time between your bedroom and the
+    churchyard.</p>
+
+    <p>Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you
+    have no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of
+    the philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid
+    will be your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate
+    in the homes of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and,
+    on returning, to disseminate in the homes of the rich some of
+    the diseases of the poor. Everything about you must be flat;
+    your hats, hair and heels must be flat; your denials must be
+    particularly flat. Always take your meals in your jacket and a
+    hurry, never with the rest of your family; never have time to
+    eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.</p>
+
+    <p>I cannot understand why any girl should object to the
+    assumption of a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that
+    she preferred to be what she seemed to be. She was an
+    exceptional case; I disbelieved in her protestations that she
+    was perfectly natural, and managed to get some opportunities
+    for observation when she did not know that she was observed. I
+    must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to get
+    married&mdash;suburban happiness and no position&mdash;but, as
+    I said, she was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I
+    should never have been married if I had seemed to be what I
+    really was. I cannot understand this desire to be
+    natural&mdash;it <i>is</i> so affected.</p>
+
+    <p>My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In
+    spite of my disclaimer last week, I have been asked several
+    questions which are not connected with Sentiment and Propriety.
+    "BELLADONNA" asks my advice on rather a delicate case; she is
+    almost engaged to a man, A., and her greatest friend is a girl,
+    B. Happening, the other day, to open B.'s Diary by mistake for
+    her own, she discovered that B. is also very much in love with
+    A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think the most honourable
+    course would be to report in her own Diary a statement by A.
+    that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B. might
+    mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she
+    cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has
+    read "BELLADONNA's" Diary.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.</h2>
+
+    <center>
+        SCENE I.&mdash;<i>At the Haymarket.&mdash;Darkness visible.
+        Out of it come Voices.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>probably on stage</i>). "<i>Who's
+        there?</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second V.</i> (<i>probably in auditorium</i>). I
+        can't see. Is it TREE?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Nay, answer me: stand and unfold
+        yourself.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> I wish I could unfold the seat to let
+        people pass.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>You come most carefully upon your
+        hour.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> Why on earth can't people be more
+        punctual?</p>
+
+        <p><i>First V.</i> "<i>'Tis now struck twelve.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> About a dozen people have hit my head
+        scrambling past in the dark.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>For this relief much
+        thanks.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth V.</i> They seem to have got in at last.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>'Tis bitter cold.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fifth V.</i> Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send
+        away the ghost, and turn up the lights.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Not a mouse stirring.</i>"
+        [<i>Crash.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Sixth V.</i> There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a
+        job to find it.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "<i>Stand, ho!</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Seventh V.</i> Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware
+        that you're standing on my foot?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third V.</i> "BERNARDO <i>has my place.</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Sixth V.</i> Here's someone taken my seat!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First V.</i> "<i>What, is</i> HORATIO
+        <i>there?</i>"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Eighth V.</i> Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't
+        see you&mdash;but now the light's a bit
+        up&mdash;(<i>&amp;c., &amp;c.</i>).</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A CRITERION OF MORALS.&mdash;Astutely doing "The Puff
+    Preliminary" in a letter to the papers before the production of
+    <i>The Fringe of Society</i> (<i>i.e.</i>, <i>Le Demi-monde</i>
+    freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes that "there is no
+    such class, in any recognisable degree, as the
+    <i>demi-monde</i> in England." "Recognisable" is good, very
+    good, it saves the situation, as of course the
+    <i>demi-monde</i> is <i>not</i>, on any account, to be
+    recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of
+    the world which never knows what the other half is doing. If
+    <i>The Fringe</i>, as it at first went in to the Licenser, had
+    to be trimmed, CHARLES our Friend might have announced his
+    latest version as re-"adapted from the <i>Fringe</i>."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"&mdash;ORME. [No others
+    count.]</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page226"
+       id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.</h2>
+
+    <h3>BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.</h3>
+
+    <h4>A STORY OF <i>THE</i> SEX.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>(<i>By</i> THOMAS OF WESSEX, <i>Author of "Guess how a
+        Murder feels," "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a
+        Shoe," "One in a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her,"
+        "The Flight of the Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd,"
+        "A Lay o' Deceivers," &amp;c.</i>)</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this
+        book, "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life
+        in modern Wessex. It is well known, of course, that
+        although I often write agricultural novels, I invariably
+        call a spade a spade, and not an agricultural implement.
+        Thus I am led to speak in plain language of women, their
+        misdoings, and their undoings. Unstrained dialect is a
+        speciality. If you want to know the extent of Wessex,
+        consult histories of the Heptarchy with maps."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <p>In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from
+    the point where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards
+    Icenhurst on its way to Wintoncester, having on one side the
+    hamlet of Batton, on the other the larger town of Casterbridge,
+    stands the farmhouse wherewith in this narrative we have to
+    deal. There for generations had dwelt the rustic family of the
+    PEEPS, handing down from father to son a well-stocked cow-shed
+    and a tradition of rural virtues which yet excluded not an
+    overgreat affection on the male side for the home-brewed ale
+    and the homemade language in which, as is known, the Wessex
+    peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose
+    thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though
+    ashamed of bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a
+    degree of temperature not far removed from the zero-mark of the
+    local Fahrenheit. Within, a fire of good Wessex logs crackled
+    cheerily upon the hearth. Old ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of
+    the fireplace, his figure yet telling a tale of former vigour.
+    On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless, neutral,
+    slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may find
+    with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair
+    between them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an
+    absent inmate. A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an
+    ancient clock that had ticked away the mortality of many a past
+    and gone PEEP.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/226.png"
+             alt="Bonduca Peep." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his
+    chair so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view.
+    "Like enough she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird
+    of a feller, TOM TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle
+    round the hills. My soul, but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor
+    slammick of a chap."</p>
+
+    <p>Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like
+    other realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle
+    of infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet
+    contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it
+    must be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have
+    stood as pressing concretions which chafe body and soul&mdash;a
+    most disagreeable state of things, peculiar to the miserably
+    passive existence of a Wessex peasant woman.</p>
+
+    <p>"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak
+    irrelevance. "She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men
+    have bin after her&mdash;fourteen of 'em, all the best lads
+    round about, some of 'em wi' bags and bags of gold to their
+    names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be their lawful wedded
+    wife."</p>
+
+    <p>ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard
+    lines of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist
+    down upon his knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the
+    richest, and let him carry BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks
+    wear badly, and good characters be of no account; but the
+    gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued, meditatively, "the
+    old house could be new thatched, and you and me live like Lords
+    and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in silks and
+    satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles to
+    our feet."</p>
+
+    <p>POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and
+    thoroughly understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of
+    the Wessex peasant.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP&mdash;little BO PEEP was the name by
+    which the country-folk all knew her&mdash;sat dreaming upon the
+    hill-side, looking out with a premature woman's eyes upon the
+    rich valley that stretched away to the horizon. The rest of the
+    landscape was made up of agricultural scenes and incidents
+    which the slightest knowledge of Wessex novels can fill in
+    amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of dairymen, maidens
+    to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the rich
+    pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect,
+    and gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as
+    far as the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that
+    Bo had that morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a
+    flexuous and finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a
+    vanished knight and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust
+    now mouldered in many churchyards. There was about her an
+    amplitude of curve which, joined to a certain luxuriance of
+    moulding, betrayed her sex even to a careless observer. And
+    when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic utterance in a
+    monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of startling
+    her relations into temporary propriety.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+    <p>Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an
+    amiable tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle
+    behind her caused her to turn her head, and she saw a strange
+    procession advancing over the parched fields where&mdash;[Two
+    pages of field-scenery omitted.&mdash;ED.] One by one they
+    toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply defined
+    against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and
+    full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled
+    on some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its
+    stamp. But what most distinguished these remarkable
+    processionists in the clear noon of this winter day was that
+    each one carried in her arms an infant. And each one, as she
+    reached the place where the enthralled BONDUCA sat obliviscent
+    of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid the baby down.
+    First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an interval
+    by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To them
+    succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and
+    Squire PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX,
+    the Honourable LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY,
+    brought up the rear.</p>
+
+    <p>BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young
+    life to be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm
+    after all, and the audition of these squalling nurslings vexed
+    her. What could the matter mean? No answer was given to these
+    questionings. A man's figure, vast and terrible, appeared on
+    the hill's brow, with a cruel look of triumph on his wicked
+    face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered; the noble dames
+    fled shrieking down the valley.</p>
+
+    <p>"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in
+    the spectrum of your young life."</p>
+
+    <p>"Say those words quickly," she retorted.</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray,
+    Broo-re-ray, Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA
+    and his own imperfect tongue-power, "you are fooling me.
+    Beware!"</p>
+
+    <p>"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she
+    bowed herself submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall
+    therefore marry you. Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon
+    her.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4>
+
+    <p>Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy
+    tail-bearers to come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She
+    did but humble herself before the manifestation of a Wessex
+    necessity.</p>
+
+    <p>And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether
+    rolled her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained
+    highways of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with
+    the tragic completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing,
+    steam-fed, irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in
+    it, and rustics danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were
+    "blasted," like poor BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the
+    calm nonchalance of a Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched
+    into a world of reviews, where the multitude of readers is not
+    as to their external displacements, but as to their subjective
+    experiences.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">[THE END.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page227"
+       id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE NEW GALLERY.</h2>
+
+    <p>This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all
+    shapes and sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the
+    young Ladies:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>No. 13. "<i>White Roses.</i>" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns
+    here, evidently, judging by the young woman's look of anguish.
+    And this is the moral POYNTER points.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 66. "<i>A War Cloud.</i>" A Music-HALLÉ singing "<i>Rule
+    Britannia!</i>" with proper dressings.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 18. "<i>Paderewski.</i>" Surely it ought to be PATTY
+    REWSKY, with "Miss" before the name. <i>Moral</i>, "Get your
+    hair cut!"</p>
+
+    <p>No. 284. "<i>Nightfall in the Dauphinée.</i>" "<i>Might</i>
+    fall," it ought to be, and no wonder if she walked about on so
+    dark a night with such a load in her arms!</p>
+
+    <p>No. 165. "<i>Che sara sara.</i>" A pedestrian match in the
+    Metropolis. In fact, <i>Walker, London</i>. A portrait of
+    <i>Sarah</i>, after she has been let down into the punt, the
+    shock having dislocated her shoulder. She might have kept
+    <i>Col. Neal's</i> clothes round her neck to hide her back.</p>
+
+    <p>No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND
+    KHNPFF. Our Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that
+    he went out to get assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to
+    pronounce the painter's name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now
+    in a precarious state. Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant
+    Critic, Deputy Assistant Sub-Critic, and a few extra
+    Supernumerary Critics, then went in a body and looked at this
+    young woman's head, apparently taken after an interview with
+    Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all sides, and
+    finally stood on their own, but they could not make head or
+    tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning,
+    and paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this
+    journal.</p>
+
+    <p>There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young
+    Ladies, but those mentioned above are the most remarkable in
+    the New Girlery.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Any Man to Any Woman.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O woman, in our hours of ease,</p>
+
+            <p>We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"</p>
+
+            <p>But when there's prospect of a row,</p>
+
+            <p><i>You're</i> best out of it anyhow.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/227-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227-1.png"
+             alt="'OH, THAT TUNE!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"OH, THAT TUNE!"</h3><i>A Sketch of an Unintentional
+        and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie Collins.</i>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>THE TWO ARCHERS.&mdash;In the <i>P.M.G.</i> of Saturday
+    last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in a signed article, criticises a book on
+    "<i>How to Write a Good Play</i>, by FRANK ARCHER." In
+    expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes
+    Frank&mdash;unpleasantly Frank.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A Riddle.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>While Publishers their fortunes make</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And wax exceeding fat,</p>
+
+            <p>The Author still is like a rake.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now, pray account for that.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:22%;">
+        <a href="images/227-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Out of this room, where we think more of
+            ham</p>
+
+            <p>Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than
+            HERKOMERS,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON
+            with lamb,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and
+            celery,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And not of the drawings at which we
+            should look;</p>
+
+            <p>Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of
+            "Cook."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 25.</i>&mdash;Session
+    resumed to-day after Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says,
+    Session comes but Members linger. Not forty present when
+    business commenced. "May as well go on." said the SPEAKER, whom
+    everybody glad to see looking brisk and hearty after his
+    holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."</p>
+
+    <p>So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or
+    enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got
+    to business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to
+    be measure involving closest interests of the great empire that
+    CLIVE helped to make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after.
+    Appearance of House suggestive rather of some local question
+    affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney Marsh. Below Gangway, on
+    Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present. Member for Oldham a
+    sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space. Above Gangway
+    RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE CURZON had
+    Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing how
+    cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite
+    staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his
+    looks, sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought.
+    Pretty to see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made
+    graceful allusion to his genius and statesmanlike conduct of
+    affairs. "Approbation from Sir HUBERT STANLEY," as he later
+    observed, "is praise indeed."</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/227-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/227-3.png"
+             alt="'So-and-So.'" /></a>"So-and-So."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above
+    Gangway opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's
+    vacant place as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party
+    brimful of energy, enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopædic
+    knowledge&mdash;MORTON, SEYMOUR KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS
+    'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE OF CAMBORNE, who
+    has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows all about
+    India.</p>
+
+    <p>Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN
+    whilst he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS
+    PELLY, who really knew something about India, and therefore
+    would probably not have spoken had he been here to-night. A
+    kindly, courteous, upright, valiant gentleman, who took a
+    little too seriously the joke House had with him about the
+    Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous speech on the
+    question, with its graphic description of forced marches "from
+    So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to
+    So-forth."</p>
+
+    <p>PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he,
+    too, has made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on
+    into the unmapped So-forth.</p>
+
+    <p>MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page228"
+       id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span> desolate House. Only one
+       other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several
+       speeches dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me
+       will bear me out when I say&mdash;" Instant commotion below
+       Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over
+       PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against MORTON. All animated by
+       desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth. He breathlessly
+       explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and, they
+       reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter
+       end.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Practically none.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Amid the pomps and vanities of a
+    wicked world there is something refreshing and reassuring in
+    spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE going about his daily
+    business. One would describe him as childlike and bland, only
+    for recollection that combination of harmless endearing epithet
+    has been applied in another connection and might be
+    misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that so
+    accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to
+    pose Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution.
+    Wanted to know whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between
+    months of September and December in present year, a Bill would
+    be brought in to accelerate Registration? Terms of question
+    being set forth on printed paper, not necessary for the SAGE to
+    recite them. For this he seemed grateful. It relieved him from
+    the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR by a reference
+    to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt at being
+    asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his
+    seat&mdash;so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not
+    impose his full height on the eyesight of the
+    Minister&mdash;"begged to ask the FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY
+    Question No. 8."</p>
+
+    <p>Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he
+    looked at the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the
+    question addressed to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually
+    wanting to know something about the date of the Dissolution,
+    and what would follow in certain contingencies. As a
+    philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the vagaries of
+    the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his large
+    leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of
+    doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number,
+    indulging in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the
+    contingency referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they
+    had not even contemplated taking any steps to meet it.</p>
+
+    <p>Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose,
+    the Government would act in the manner he had suggested?</p>
+
+    <p>No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in
+    full view of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw
+    that deduction from what he had said.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:27%;">
+        <a href="images/228-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-1.png"
+             alt="Cap'n Birkbeck." /></a>Cap'n Birkbeck.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The House, having listened intently to this artless
+    conversation, proceeded to business of the day, which happily
+    included the adoption of a Resolution engaging the Government
+    to connect with the mainland, by telephone or telegraph, the
+    lighthouses and lightships that twinkle round our stormy
+    coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved this Resolution,
+    seconded from other side in admirable speech by
+    MARJORIBANKS.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Excellent.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Much surprised, strolling down to
+    House this afternoon, to find place in sort of state of siege.
+    Policemen, policemen everywhere, and, as one sadly observed,
+    "not a drop to drink." Haven't seen anything like it since
+    KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops from his mane as he walked
+    through Palace Yard, passing through enthusiastic crowd into
+    House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts in Old
+    Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old
+    GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table,
+    scene was somewhat similar.</p>
+
+    <p>"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our
+    able and indefatigable Superintendent striding about the
+    Corridor, as NAPOLEON visited the outposts on the eve of
+    Austerlitz.</p>
+
+    <p>"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of
+    them at St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman
+    driven off at point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up;
+    party of the name of BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on
+    the flat of his back."</p>
+
+    <p>"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for
+    oratorical effort. But you seem to have got new men at the
+    various posts?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice
+    to whisper; "we've picked em out. Gone through the Force;
+    mustered all the bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion
+    of argument on Woman's Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night,
+    floor nearly ankle-deep in loose hair. They don't get much off
+    <i>my</i> men," said HORSLEY, proudly.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:15%;">
+        <a href="images/228-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/228-2.png"
+             alt="'So young and so iniquitous!'" /></a>"So young
+             and so iniquitous!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably
+    they had something to do with the almost disappointing result.
+    Everything passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate
+    had been India, or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million
+    or two. Ladies locked up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with
+    lime-lights playing on placards hung on walls enforcing
+    "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH should come on
+    early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had marvellously
+    sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later, ASQUITH
+    demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars,
+    that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a
+    shrill whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR,
+    dexterously intervening, soothed the angry breast by his
+    chivalrous advocacy of Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat
+    there floated over the charmed House, coming "So young and so
+    as it were from heavenly spheres above the iniquitous!"
+    SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a man!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected
+    by 175 Votes against 152.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;Little sparring match between
+    Front Benches. Mr. G. and all his merry men anxious, above all
+    things, to know when Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
+    starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR interested, but ignorant. Can't
+    understand why people should always be talking about
+    Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a sufficient
+    majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the month
+    of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence
+    in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there
+    will be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme.
+    Let him contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and
+    not trouble his head about indefinite details like
+    Dissolutions.</p>
+
+    <p>This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he
+    became Leader.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;None.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SEASONABLE WEATHER.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for
+            tea.</p>
+
+            <p>It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and
+            me.</p>
+
+            <p>With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent
+            leather),</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my
+            hair,</p>
+
+            <p>Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the
+            weather,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I am safe&mdash;the barometer points to
+            "Set Fair."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So I'm off&mdash;why, what's that? Yes, by Jove,
+            there's a sputter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of rain on the pavement!&mdash;the
+            sunshine retires;</p>
+
+            <p>And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to
+            utter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The thoughts that this changeable weather
+            inspires.</p>
+
+            <p>Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and
+            disgusted;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt
+            it again;</p>
+
+            <p>And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The barometer's index, which now points
+            to "Rain."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and
+            "bowler,"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My STELLA thinks more of a man than his
+            dress.</p>
+
+            <p>I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console
+            her.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll
+            love me no less.</p>
+
+            <p>Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy
+            them&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing
+            away!</p>
+
+            <p>The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry
+            them.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, there, I give up, and retire for
+            the day!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
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+    <hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOLUME 102, MAY 7, 1892***</p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1829 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102,
+May 7, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, May 7, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2005  [eBook #14601]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOLUME 102, MAY 7, 1892***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14601-h.htm or 14601-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h/14601-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/6/0/14601/14601-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 102
+
+MAY 7, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+'ARRY ON WHEELS.
+
+[Illustration: Our 'Arry Laureate.]
+
+  DEAR CHARLIE,--Spring's on us at last, and a proper old April
+          we've 'ad,
+  Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made 'oliday makers
+          feel mad.
+  Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems somehow to take a
+          delight
+  In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was out of sheer
+          spite.
+
+  When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in orfice or
+          fact'ry, or shop,
+  The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller feels fair on the
+          'op;
+  But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings all round is
+          in train,
+  It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster of rain.
+
+  It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go as crooked as Z.
+  Feelosophers _may_ think it out, 'ARRY ain't got the 'eart, or the
+          'ead;
+  But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's fust laws, and
+          no kid.
+  If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good 'ealth and
+          _no_ quid!
+
+  'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good outing--on wheels;
+  For I've took to the bicycle, yus,--and can show a good many my
+          'eels.
+  You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a smooth bit of
+          straight road,
+  And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of wheeling, I'm
+          blowed.
+
+  Larks fust and larks larst is _my_ motter. Old RICHARDSON's rumbo
+          is rot.
+  Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts to a sanit'ry
+          pot;
+  But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty scenery, and
+          that,
+  As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly is not sech a
+          flat.
+
+  Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for good 'ealth,
+          I've no doubt
+  That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is mere turning
+          about,
+  Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, wheeling _as_
+          wheeling's 'ard work,
+  And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I always did
+          shirk.
+
+  _I_ ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with a chest 'ollered
+          out, and a 'ump,
+  Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or go slap off
+          their chump.
+  You don't ketch _me_ straining my 'eart till it cracks for a big
+          silver mug.
+  No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel cosy and snug.
+
+  Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up to champion form.
+  And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the Wheel-World
+          by storm,
+  Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' to lace up 'is
+          boot.
+  Let them go for _that_ game as are mind to, here's one as it
+          certn'y won't soot.
+
+  But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd 'ardly
+          emagine 'ow much,
+  If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and skyfoozled some
+          dawdling old Dutch.
+  Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly the doddering
+          old sort
+  As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! that makes
+          a'rf the sport!
+
+  'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled tremenjus at fust,
+  Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a thundering
+          thust;
+  I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling about on the loose,
+  As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and about as much
+          use.
+
+  Now I _don't_ like to look like a juggins, it's wot I carn't
+          stand, s'elp my bob;
+  But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, when I'm fair
+          on the job.
+  So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of grass and tall
+          trees,
+  Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer 'twas "go as
+          yer please."
+
+  They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as Solsberry Plain,
+  Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when it's welting with
+          rain;
+  Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and studyus old stodges
+          live there,
+  And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; but wot did _I_
+          care.
+
+  When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked 'em a smart bit
+          o' lip,
+  With a big D or two--for the ladies--and wosn't they soon on the
+          skip!
+  'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I could fair
+          feel my feet;
+  If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure it'll do you a
+          treat.
+
+  I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties don't run yer
+          much risk,
+  And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle along pooty brisk;
+  And _then_ came the barney, my bloater! I jined 'arf a dozen prime
+          pals,
+  And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, and espessh'lly
+          the gals.
+
+  No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, sportsman
+          form, and sech muck.
+  I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and trust to
+          pot-luck.
+  A rush twelve-a-breast _is_ a gammock, twelve squeakers a going
+          like one;
+  But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer sperrits, and
+          spile all the fun.
+
+  The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, mugs will keep
+          spouting it still;
+  But wot _is_ it to me and my mates, treadles loose, and a-chargin'
+          down 'ill?
+  Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, our 'owls,
+          women's shrieks, and men's swears!
+  Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a busting
+          down-stairs.
+
+  Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming girl's school on
+          the trot,
+  May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't _my_ form by a
+          lot.
+  Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the old buffers as
+          prowl
+  Along green country roads at their ease, till they're scared by my
+          squeak, or my 'owl?
+
+  My "alarm" _is_ a caution I tell yer; it sounds like some shrill
+          old macaw,
+  Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives yer a twist in
+          the jaw,
+  And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till I shake in my
+          socks
+  When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump like a
+          Jack-in-the-box.
+
+  I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray likewise, dear boy.
+  'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that chorus,--a boon
+          and a joy!
+  Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables jest makes me
+          bust;
+  When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus than the row
+          and the dust!
+
+  We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our spins out of town;
+  Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we just ladle it
+          down?
+  And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder well over the
+          wheel,
+  And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer I make the
+          thing squeal.
+
+  My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well back on my 'ed,
+  And my spine fairly _'umped_ to it, CHARLIE, and then carn't I
+          paint the town red?
+  They call me "The Camel" for that, _and_ my stomach-capas'ty for
+          "wet."
+  Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the liquor,--you
+          bet!
+
+  There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long squeals to the
+          _Times_ about hus.
+  They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! it's all
+          fidgets and fuss.
+  I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got no heye for a
+          lark.
+  _I_ know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and squirm if we makes
+          a remark.
+
+  If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em the haffable
+          nod;
+  Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being scowled at, it's
+          hodd.
+  Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although they may look a
+          mite shy;
+  It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or fie-fie.
+
+  We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of hus--BUGGINS and
+          me,
+  MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and TOFF JONES, and
+          MICK SHEE;
+  All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along comes a gurl on
+          a 'orse.
+  Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and gave 'er a
+          rouser, in course.
+
+  'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked so remarkable
+          rum,
+  That we _couldn't_ 'elp doing a larf, though the gurl wos
+          pertikler yum-yum;
+  We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a swell, and he
+          swore,
+  And--would you believe it, old pal?--went for BUGGINS, and give
+          'im wot for!!!
+
+  Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, surely, about sech
+          a hact!
+  Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere crackpots as
+          ain't got no tact.
+  We all did a guy like greased lightning; you _can_ when you're
+          once on your wheel--
+  Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls can do nothink
+          but squeal.
+
+  That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's beastly to
+          think a fine sport
+  And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be kiboshed by mugs of
+          that sort.
+  All boko! dear boy, those _Times_ letters! I mean the new barney
+          to carry,
+  As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their meddlesome mawleys orf
+
+'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
+
+Lady Clara Robinson (nee Vere de Vere). "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS
+MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"
+
+Conductor. "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY DECAYED ARISTOCRACY
+TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS UP THEIR MANNERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.
+
+(AFTER A CELEBRATED MODEL.)
+
+COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892.
+
+    ["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
+    sonnets on the South-Eastern."--Mr. Barry Pain, "In the
+    Smoking-Room."]
+
+  Earth has not anything to show less fair:
+  Patient were he of soul who could pass by
+  A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry
+  Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,
+  Without one single, solitary swear.
+  The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,
+  The prompt "next platform" (which is all my eye),
+  The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;
+  Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,
+  Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one ill;
+  The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!
+  The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.
+  Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,
+  That the long humbugged Public stands it still?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.--A good combination of names is to be found in
+an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly,
+on the evening of May 11, to be given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr.
+A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made
+Concert." If REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give
+credit? _Solvitur ambulando_--that is, Walk in, and you'll find out.
+It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, "Master G.," who
+is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, as his REDDIE-witted
+companion playfully observes, "The youthful pianist will out-Erard
+ERARD."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CALL YOU THIS BACKING YOUR FRIENDS?"
+
+(BY A CONFUSED CONSERVATIVE.)
+
+  To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough rage,
+    Conservatism is as shield and fetter meant;
+  And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;
+    And RITCHIE tells us he approves of "Betterment"!
+  O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,
+  Is _this_ to be the end of all our dreams?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.
+
+    SCENE--Interior of a Foreign Law Court. Numerous officials in
+    attendance performing their various duties in an apprehensive
+    sort of way. Audience small but determined.
+
+_Judge_ (_nervously_). Now are we really protected from disturbance?
+
+_General in Command of Troops._ I think so. The Court House is
+surrounded by an Army Corps, and the Engineers find that the place has
+not been undermined to at least a distance of a thousand feet.
+
+_Judge_ (_somewhat reassured_). Well, now I think we may proceed with
+the trial. Admit the accused.
+
+    [_The Prisoner is bowed into the dock, and accommodated with
+    a comfortably cushioned arm-chair._
+
+_Prisoner._ Good morning. (_To Judge._) You can resume your hat.
+
+_Judge_ (_bowing to the Prisoner_). Accused, I am deeply honoured
+by your courtesy. I trust you have been comfortable in the State
+apartments that have been recently supplied to you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_firmly_). State apartment! Why it was a prison! You know
+it, _M. le Juge_, and you, Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses.
+(_The entire audience shudder apprehensively._) And, what is more, my
+friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and thrown into
+prison. Yes, they know that, and will act accordingly.
+
+_Judge_ (_tearfully_). I am sure none of us wished to offend you!
+
+_Members of the Bar_ (_in a breath_). Certainly not!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose you don't want
+any evidence. You have heard what I have said. You know that I regret
+having caused inconvenience to my innocent victims. They would forgive
+me for my innocent intentions. I only wished to save everybody by
+blowing everybody up.
+
+_The Court generally._ Yes, yes!
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, I have just done. And now what say the Jury? Where
+are they?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury_ (_white with fear_). I am, Sir,--very pleased to
+see you, Sir,--hope you are well, Sir?
+
+_Prisoner_ (_condescendingly_). Tol lol. And now what do you say? am I
+Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We will talk it over,
+Sir--if you don't mind, Sir.
+
+_Prisoner._ I need not tell you that my friends outside take the
+greatest possible interest in your proceedings.
+
+_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Why, yes, Sir! The fact is we have all had
+anonymous letters daily, saying that we shall be blown out of house
+and home if we harm you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_laughing_). Oh, be under no apprehension. It is merely
+the circular of my friends. Only a compilation of hints for the
+guidance of the Gentlemen of the Jury.
+
+_Foreman._ Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that spirit.
+
+_Prisoner._ You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have surely had time to
+make up your minds. Do you find me Guilty or Not Guilty?
+
+_Foreman_ (_earnestly_). Why, Not Guilty, to be sure.
+
+_Judge._ Release the accused! Sir, you have my congratulations. Pray
+accept my distinguished consideration.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_coldly_). You are very good. And now adieu, and off to
+breakfast with what appetite ye may!
+
+_The Entire Court_ (_falling on their knees, and raising their hands
+in supplication_). Mercy, Sir! For pity's sake, mercy!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_fiercely_). Mercy! What, after I have been arrested!
+Mercy! after I have been cast into gaol!
+
+_Judge_ (_in tears._) They thought they were right. They were,
+doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the remainder of the row
+of houses! Can you not consider this a plea for extenuating
+circumstances?
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_sternly_). No. It was my business, not theirs. It
+was I who paid for the dynamite--not they. (_Preparing to leave the
+Court._) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my friends!
+
+_Judge_ (_following him to the door_). Nay, stay! See us--we kneel
+to you. (_To audience._) Kneel, friends, kneel! (_Everybody obeys the
+direction._) One last appeal! (_In a voice broken with emotion._) We
+all have Mothers!
+
+_Ex-Prisoner_ (_thunder-stricken_). You all have Mothers! I knew
+not this. I pardon you! [_The audience utter shouts of joy, and
+the Ex-Prisoner extends his hands towards them in the attitude of
+benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HESITATION.
+
+Russian Recruiting Sergeant.. "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS
+LAD, TAKE THE IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN
+YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY FAMILIAR FRIEND
+FOR THE R.A. SEASON.
+
+[Illustration: No. 20. Japanese Jenny, the Female Conjuror, privately
+practicing production of glass bowl full of water from nowhere in
+particular; a subject not unnaturally associated with the name of
+Waterhouse, A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 287. "Forgers at Work; or, Strike while the
+Iron's hot!" Portrait of the recently elected Associate making a hit
+immediately on his election. Stan'up, Stanhope Forbes, A. (and "A. 1,"
+adds _Mr. P._), prepare to receive congratulations!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 164. Watts the douche is this? A rainbow
+shower-bath? by G.F. Watts, R.A.]
+
+No. 16. It is called "_A Toast._ By AGNES E. WALKER." It should be
+called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to represent an eminent
+tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, &c., when staying at home, and
+taking the mixture as before.
+
+No. 19. A musical subject, "_The Open C._" By HENRY MOORE, A.
+
+No. 24. "_Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too much._" Black
+Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a row. The person who "calls
+himself a Gentleman" is seen as a retiring person in another mirror.
+ETTORE TITO.
+
+No. 40. _Little Bo Peep after Lunch_, supported by a tree. Early
+intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come home, leave tails
+b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.
+
+No. 56. _Ben Ledi._ This is a puzzle picture by Mr. JAMES ELLIOT. Of
+course there is in it, somewhere or other, a portrait of the eminent
+Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find him.
+
+No. 83. "_The Coming Sneeze._" Picture of a Lady evidently saying, "Oh
+dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. BENHAM.
+
+No. 89. "_Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN Point._"
+JOHN PETTIE, R.A.
+
+No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a bald-headed
+bust, and singing to a maiden, "_Get your Hair Cut!_" RALPH PEACOCK.
+
+No. 97. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!_" "Must hide it
+before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.
+
+No. 102. "_Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn Tennis
+Player._" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie Bridge man.
+
+No. 105. "_Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it._" _Vide Sam Weller._
+"JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"
+
+No. 107. "_Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing Dairymaid._" Taken
+in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him several inches of canvas, and
+he'll take a NELL) as she was about to put a little water out of the
+stream into the fresh milk pail.
+
+[Illustration: No. 212. "The Left-out Gauntlet." "Come as you
+are, indeed! Nonsense. It's most annoying! Here am I got up most
+expensively as a Knight in Armour, and I'm blessed if the confounded
+cuss of a cusstumier hasn't forgotten to send my right gauntlet!" John
+Pettie, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 173. "A First Rehearsal." "The celebrated actor,
+Mr. Gommersal of Astley's Amphitheatre, made up and attired as the
+Great Napoleon, entered the Manager's room, where the author of the
+Equestrian Spectacular Melodrama of 'The Battle of Waterloo' was
+seated finishing the last Act. 'What do you think of this?' asked Mr.
+G., triumphantly. 'Not a bit like it,' returned the author, sharply.
+'What!' exclaimed the astonished veteran, 'do you mean to say my
+make-up for Napoleon isn't good! Well I'm ----' 'You will be, if
+you appear like that,' interrupted the author decisively,"--Vide
+_Widdicomb's History of the Battle of Waterloo at Astley's_. W.Q.
+Orchardson, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 344. The Reeds' Entertainment. Gallery of
+Illustration. Interval during change of costume. "Behold these
+graceful Reeds!" Arthur Hacker.]
+
+No. 130. _A (Sir Donald) Currie_, admirably done in P. and O. (Paint
+and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 204. "Three Little Maids from School." A wealth of
+colour. The subject is this:--After an ample school-feast, the girls
+sat drowsily under an orange-tree, when they were suddenly startled
+by the appearance of a snake. "Don't be frightened, Betsy Jane," cried
+Anna Maria, the eldest; "'ee won't 'urt yer, 'ee only comes from the
+Lowther Harkade." Sir Fred. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.]
+
+No. 211. "_Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind._"--_As You Like It._ But we
+_don't_ like it--we mean, the wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and
+dreary! We suppose that in order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must
+have been thoroughly wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir
+J.E. MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.
+
+No. 228. "_The Great Auk's Egg._" "Auk-ward moment: is it genuine or
+not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably been auk'd about
+before, genuine or not There'll be a _great tauk (!)_ about it," says
+H.S. MARKS, R.A.
+
+  No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow here,
+  Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a sheep."
+
+_Old Song_, illustrated by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 458. "Peas and War." Club Committee ordering
+dinner. See corner figure (L.H. of picture) with Cookery Book. The
+Steward says, "We can't have peas." Mr. J.S. B-lf-r remonstrates
+strongly, "What! not have peas? Nonsense!" That's how the row began,
+and they "gave him beans." "A limner then his visage caught," and
+managed the awkward subject so as to please everybody; which the
+limner's name is Hubert Herkomer, R.A.]
+
+No. 250. "_Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early in the Ear._"
+"She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to herself, 'Shall I have many
+dances this season?' 'You've got a ball in hand,' whispered small and
+early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand
+is indeed worth a whisper in the ear.'" _From the Greek of Akephalos._
+W. ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.
+
+No. 272. _The Flying Farini Family._ Nothing like bringing 'em up to
+the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 290. "_Sittin' and Satin._" IRLAM BRIGGS. [N.B.--_Mr. P._ always
+delighted to welcome the immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of
+JOHN LEECH's boys drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,--hung!]
+
+No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking directly at
+the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the right man in the right
+place, _i.e., on the line_." Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.
+
+No. 311. _Popping in on them_, in not quite a friendly way, by Very
+Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.
+
+No. 317. "_Strong Op-inions._" A Political Picture by a Liberal
+Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.
+
+No. 342. _A Person sitting uprightly._ By BENTLEY.
+
+No. 351. "_Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!_" By J.T.
+NETTLESHIP.
+
+No. 373. "_There is a Flower that bloometh._" The Mayor of AVON, as he
+appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL R. MORRIS, A.
+
+No. 412. "_Hush a bye, Bibby!_" Capital picture, speaks for itself. "I
+know that man, he comes from--Liverpool." Brought here by LUKE FILDES,
+R.A.
+
+[Illustration: No. 699. "Very Like a Whale," only it's a buoy not
+caught yet. C.N. Henry.]
+
+No. 440. "_Poppylar Error._" _Old Lady_ (_loq._). "Oh, dear! I've
+eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up poppies, and I do feel so--Oh! I feel
+my colour is gradually PALIN (W.M.)."
+
+[Illustration: No. 989. La Seagull. Awful fight between a gull and a
+boiled lobster. Allan J. Hook. [N.B.--Your eye is sure to be caught by
+this Hook. But the picture must be looked at from our point of view,
+from the opposite side of the room.]]
+
+No. 502. "_What, no Soap!_" She may appear a trifle cracky, but no one
+can say that this picture represents her as having gone "clean mad."
+ANNA BILINSKA.
+
+No. 553. _Margate Sands in Ancient Times_. Cruel conduct of an Ancient
+Warrior towards a young lady who refused to bathe in the sea. Full of
+life by E.M. HALE (and Hearty).
+
+No. 575. "_Poor Thing!_" Touching picture of ideal patient in AEsthetic
+Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.
+
+No. 636. "_A Clever Examiner drawing him out._" [N.B.--This ought to
+have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.
+
+No. 686. _Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq._ The Artist has, of
+course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but little here below,"
+but he doesn't get anything at all, being cut off, so to speak, in his
+prime about the second shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken
+before the Artist at "Pettie Sessions."
+
+No. 1041. "_Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King Charles's
+Martyrdom._" FRED HALL.
+
+SCULPTURE.--The descriptions in the Guide are too painful. We prefer
+not, to give any names, but here are specimens:--"Mr. So-and-so, _to
+be executed in bronze_"; "The late Thingummy--_bust_!" These will
+suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "_All Three going to Bath_" by GEORGE
+FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means least, a very good likeness
+of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY, R.A., and while we think of it, we'll
+treat him as a cabman and "take his number," which it's 1941, done by
+JOHN ADAMS-ACTON, and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude
+our pick of the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with
+_one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARS LONGA.
+
+  Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of May,
+  That is "ART," which you start with a thundering A.
+  Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete way.
+  Some think "art" would impart all the work of to-day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.
+
+"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR--AND THOSE ARE HIS CHILDREN!"
+
+"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"
+
+"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE UGLY ONES
+THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+Mr. P.C. BULL, _loquitur_:--
+
+  Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,
+    From lands less free! I grudge you room
+  Among my hosts of honest workers.
+    Had I the settling of your doom,
+  Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.
+  As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.
+
+  A Land of Liberty! Precisely.
+    And curs of that advantage take.
+  But, if you want my tip concisely,--
+    We hate the wolf and loathe the snake:
+  And as you seem a blend of both,
+  To crush you I'd be little loth.
+
+  Freedom we love, and, to secure it,
+    Take rough and smooth with constant mind.
+  Espionage? We ill endure it,
+    But Liberty need not be blind.
+  Sorrow's asylum is our isle;
+  But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.
+
+  To flout that isle foes are not chary,
+    When of its shelter not in need;
+  But, when in search of sanctuary,
+    They fly thereto with wondrous speed.
+  Asylum? Ay! But learn--in time--
+  'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.
+
+  Foes dub me sinister, satanic,
+    A friend of Nihilists and knaves;
+  Because I will not let mere panic
+    Rob me of sympathy with slaves,
+  And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!
+  Their railings will not make me budge.
+
+  I've taken up my stand for freedom,
+    I'll jackal to no autocrat;
+  But rogues with hands as red as Edom,
+    Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,
+  I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.
+  I have no sympathy with vermin.
+
+  Doors open, welcome hospitable
+    For all, unchallenged, is my style;
+  But trust not to the fatuous fable
+    That _Caliban_'s free of my isle
+  With prosperous _Prospero's_ free consent.
+  Such lies mad autocrats invent.
+
+  Such for some centuries they've been telling,
+    Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush
+  Upon the threshold of my dwelling,
+    But shall not join a purblind rush
+  Of panic-stricken fools to play
+  The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!
+
+  But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,
+    Who, frightened now by those you'd fright,
+  Would fain slink off among the shadows,
+    To plot out further deeds of night,
+  Our isle's immunity you boast!--
+  You're reckoning without your host.
+
+  I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries
+    I think you'll find it hard to scare;
+  _We_ worship no Anarchic furies,
+    For menace are not wont to care,
+  Here red-caught Crime in vain advances
+  "Extenuating Circumstances!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUPLET BY A CYNIC.
+
+(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show.)
+
+  Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks
+  Whilst it gives Private Views--of Pretty Frocks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORLD ON WHEELS.
+
+MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world on a
+bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new social force."
+Possibly. But certain writers to the _Times_ on "The Tyranny of the
+Road," seem to prove that it is also a new _anti_-social force, when
+it frightens horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb,
+we may say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"--well, all over
+the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain. Whilst
+welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not allow the
+"new social force" to develop into a new social despotism. To put it
+pointedly:--
+
+  We welcome these new steeds of steel,
+    (In spite of whistles and of "squealers,")
+  But cannot have the common weal
+    _Too_ much disturbed by common "Wheelers"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.--After the Presidential orations, the
+success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's speech. His audience
+were delighted at being thus "butchered to make" an artistic
+"holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed his regret that "the House
+of Commons did not possess a Hanging Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we
+now and again hear of a Member being "suspended" for some considerable
+time? On such occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There
+was one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged
+with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to himself,
+as, meditating many things, he stood by the much-sounding soda-water,
+"Odd! a lot of speeches; and yet,--_not a word about Orme!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.
+
+FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!--VE SHALL NOT BE INTERRUPT IN ZIS
+FREE ENGLAND!"
+
+BULL A1 (_sotto voce_). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO! YOU'LL FIND NO
+_EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES_ HERE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.
+
+BY MRS. PAYLEY.
+
+III.--THE CHOICE OF A POSE.
+
+[Illustration: {Young girl, posing.}]
+
+All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression which
+they wish to create. The natural girl is always either impolite
+or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl who appears
+artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural, and to appear
+natural, is the end at which the young girl should aim. Much, then,
+will depend on the choice of a pose. It should be suitable; there
+should be something in your appearance and abilities to support the
+illusion. I once knew a fat girl, with red hair (the _wrong_ red), &
+good appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the romantic
+pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was quite unable
+to look the part. If she had done the Capital Housekeeper, or the
+Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have married a middle-aged Rector.
+She threw away her chances by choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same
+time the reasons for your choice should never be obvious. There was
+another case, which amused me slightly--a dark girl, with fine eyes.
+She was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some accident
+in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to walk with a stick,
+and her back was bent. She posed as a man-hater. The part suited her
+well enough, for she had rather a pretty wit. "But," I said to her,
+"it is too plainly a case of the fox and the grapes; you hate men
+because you are a cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She
+did not take this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she
+has never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite true.
+She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with love; if you
+ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as well get a wooden
+heart at the same time. But her pose was too obvious--ridiculously
+obvious. She would have done better with something in the way of a
+religious enthusiasm--something very mystical. It would have been
+impressive.
+
+In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards supporting her
+pose; but she must have the intuitions and perceptions of an artist.
+
+The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl in
+London is not naturally child-like. There should be a suggestion
+of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be simple, loose and
+sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon round its neck; say that you
+like chocolate-creams; open your eyes very wide, and suck the tip of
+one finger occasionally. Let your manner generally vary between the
+pensive and the mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially
+of things which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt
+this pose unless your figure is _mignon_ and your complexion pink. Do
+not be _too_ realistic; never be sticky or dirty--men do not care for
+it.
+
+A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is that of
+"the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly the result of
+liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul. The dress should be
+sombre, trailing, and rather distraught: there is a way of arranging
+a _fichu_ which of itself suggests that the heart beneath it is
+blighted. If you happen to possess a few ornaments which are not
+too expensive, distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a
+repressed voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let
+it be known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to
+spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one flower;
+occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you hear music.
+The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower middle-classes, but
+wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir, which either never opens or
+never comes off. Smile sometimes, of course; but be careful to smile
+unnaturally. On all festive occasions divide your time between your
+bedroom and the churchyard.
+
+Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you have
+no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of the
+philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid will be
+your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate in the homes
+of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and, on returning, to
+disseminate in the homes of the rich some of the diseases of the poor.
+Everything about you must be flat; your hats, hair and heels must be
+flat; your denials must be particularly flat. Always take your meals
+in your jacket and a hurry, never with the rest of your family; never
+have time to eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.
+
+I cannot understand why any girl should object to the assumption of
+a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that she preferred to be
+what she seemed to be. She was an exceptional case; I disbelieved in
+her protestations that she was perfectly natural, and managed to get
+some opportunities for observation when she did not know that she was
+observed. I must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to
+get married--suburban happiness and no position--but, as I said, she
+was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I should never have been
+married if I had seemed to be what I really was. I cannot understand
+this desire to be natural--it _is_ so affected.
+
+My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In spite of my
+disclaimer last week, I have been asked several questions which are
+not connected with Sentiment and Propriety. "BELLADONNA" asks my
+advice on rather a delicate case; she is almost engaged to a man, A.,
+and her greatest friend is a girl, B. Happening, the other day, to
+open B.'s Diary by mistake for her own, she discovered that B. is
+also very much in love with A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think
+the most honourable course would be to report in her own Diary a
+statement by A. that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B.
+might mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she
+cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has read
+"BELLADONNA's" Diary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.
+
+SCENE I.--_At the Haymarket.--Darkness visible. Out of it come
+Voices._
+
+_First Voice_ (_probably on stage_). "_Who's there?_"
+
+_Second V._ (_probably in auditorium_). I can't see. Is it TREE?
+
+_Third V._ "_Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself._"
+
+_Fourth V._ I wish I could unfold the seat to let people pass.
+
+_Third V._ "_You come most carefully upon your hour._"
+
+_Fourth V._ Why on earth can't people be more punctual?
+
+_First V._ "_'Tis now struck twelve._"
+
+_Fourth V._ About a dozen people have hit my head scrambling past in
+the dark.
+
+_Third V._ "_For this relief much thanks._"
+
+_Fourth V._ They seem to have got in at last.
+
+_Third V._ "_'Tis bitter cold._"
+
+_Fifth V._ Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send away the ghost, and
+turn up the lights.
+
+_Third V._ "_Not a mouse stirring._" [_Crash._
+
+_Sixth V._ There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a job to find it.
+
+_Third V._ "_Stand, ho!_"
+
+_Seventh V._ Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware that you're standing
+on my foot?
+
+_Third V._ "BERNARDO _has my place._"
+
+_Sixth V._ Here's someone taken my seat!
+
+_First V._ "_What, is_ HORATIO _there?_"
+
+_Eighth V._ Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't see you--but now
+the light's a bit up--(_&c., &c._).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRITERION OF MORALS.--Astutely doing "The Puff Preliminary" in a
+letter to the papers before the production of _The Fringe of Society_
+(i.e., _Le Demi-monde_ freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes
+that "there is no such class, in any recognisable degree, as the
+_demi-monde_ in England." "Recognisable" is good, very good, it saves
+the situation, as of course the _demi-monde_ is _not_, on any account,
+to be recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of the
+world which never knows what the other half is doing. If _The Fringe_,
+as it at first went in to the Licenser, had to be trimmed, CHARLES our
+Friend might have announced his latest version as re-"adapted from the
+_Fringe_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"--ORME. [No others count.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.
+
+BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.
+
+A STORY OF _THE_ SEX.
+
+    (By THOMAS OF WESSEX, Author of "Guess how a Murder feels,"
+    "The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a Shoe," "One in
+    a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her," "The Flight of the
+    Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd," "A Lay o' Deceivers,"
+    &c.)
+
+    ["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this book,
+    "one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life in modern
+    Wessex. It is well known, of course, that although I often
+    write agricultural novels, I invariably call a spade a spade,
+    and not an agricultural implement. Thus I am led to speak in
+    plain language of women, their misdoings, and their undoings.
+    Unstrained dialect is a speciality. If you want to know the
+    extent of Wessex, consult histories of the Heptarchy with
+    maps."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale, not far from the point
+where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards Icenhurst on its way
+to Wintoncester, having on one side the hamlet of Batton, on the
+other the larger town of Casterbridge, stands the farmhouse wherewith
+in this narrative we have to deal. There for generations had dwelt
+the rustic family of the PEEPS, handing down from father to son
+a well-stocked cow-shed and a tradition of rural virtues which
+yet excluded not an overgreat affection on the male side for the
+home-brewed ale and the homemade language in which, as is known,
+the Wessex peasantry delights. On this winter morning the smoke rose
+thinly into the still atmosphere, and faded there as though ashamed of
+bringing a touch of Thermidorean warmth into a degree of temperature
+not far removed from the zero-mark of the local Fahrenheit. Within,
+a fire of good Wessex logs crackled cheerily upon the hearth. Old
+ABRAHAM PEEP sat on one side of the fireplace, his figure yet telling
+a tale of former vigour. On the other sat POLLY, his wife, an aimless,
+neutral, slatternly peasant woman, such as in these parts a man may
+find with the profusion of Wessex blackberries. An empty chair between
+them spoke with all an empty chair's eloquence of an absent inmate.
+A butter-churn stood in a corner next to an ancient clock that had
+ticked away the mortality of many a past and gone PEEP.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+[Illustration: {Bonduca Peep.}]
+
+"Where be BONDUCA?" said ABRAHAM, shifting his body upon his chair
+so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view. "Like enough
+she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird of a feller, TOM
+TATTERS. And she'll let the sheep draggle round the hills. My soul,
+but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor slammick of a chap."
+
+Mrs. PEEP smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like other
+realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle of
+infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet
+contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it must
+be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have stood as
+pressing concretions which chafe body and soul--a most disagreeable
+state of things, peculiar to the miserably passive existence of a
+Wessex peasant woman.
+
+"BONDUCA went early," she said, adding, with a weak irrelevance.
+"She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. A mampus o' men have bin after
+her--fourteen of 'em, all the best lads round about, some of 'em wi'
+bags and bags of gold to their names, and all wanting BONDUCA to be
+their lawful wedded wife."
+
+ABRAHAM shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard lines
+of his face. "POLLY," he said, bringing his closed fist down upon his
+knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the richest, and let him carry
+BONDUCA to the pa'son. Good looks wear badly, and good characters be
+of no account; but the gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued,
+meditatively, "the old house could be new thatched, and you and me
+live like Lords and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in
+silks and satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles
+to our feet."
+
+POLLY nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and thoroughly
+understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of the Wessex peasant.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Meanwhile BONDUCA PEEP--little BO PEEP was the name by which the
+country-folk all knew her--sat dreaming upon the hill-side, looking
+out with a premature woman's eyes upon the rich valley that stretched
+away to the horizon. The rest of the landscape was made up of
+agricultural scenes and incidents which the slightest knowledge of
+Wessex novels can fill in amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of
+dairymen, maidens to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the
+rich pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect, and
+gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as far as
+the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that Bo had that
+morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a flexuous and
+finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a vanished knight
+and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust now mouldered in many
+churchyards. There was about her an amplitude of curve which, joined
+to a certain luxuriance of moulding, betrayed her sex even to a
+careless observer. And when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic
+utterance in a monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of
+startling her relations into temporary propriety.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an amiable
+tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle behind her caused
+her to turn her head, and she saw a strange procession advancing over
+the parched fields where--[Two pages of field-scenery omitted.--ED.]
+One by one they toiled along, a far-stretching line of women sharply
+defined against the sky. All were young, and most of them haughty and
+full of feminine waywardness. Here and there a coronet sparkled on
+some noble brow where predestined suffering had set its stamp. But
+what most distinguished these remarkable processionists in the clear
+noon of this winter day was that each one carried in her arms an
+infant. And each one, as she reached the place where the enthralled
+BONDUCA sat obliviscent of her sheep, stopped for a moment and laid
+the baby down. First came the Duchess of HAMPTONSHIRE followed at an
+interval by Lady MOTTISFONT and the Marchioness of STONEHENGE. To
+them succeeded BARBARA of the House of GREBE, Lady ICENWAY and Squire
+PETRICK's lady. Next followed the Countess of WESSEX, the Honourable
+LAURA and the Lady PENELOPE. ANNA, Lady BAXBY, brought up the rear.
+
+BONDUCA shuddered at the terrible rencounter. Was her young life to
+be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm after all, and the
+audition of these squalling nurslings vexed her. What could the matter
+mean? No answer was given to these questionings. A man's figure,
+vast and terrible, appeared on the hill's brow, with a cruel look of
+triumph on his wicked face. It was THOMAS TATTERS. BONDUCA cowered;
+the noble dames fled shrieking down the valley.
+
+"Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in the
+spectrum of your young life."
+
+"Say those words quickly," she retorted.
+
+"Certainly," said TATTERS. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray, Broo-re-ray,
+Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with BONDUCA and his own imperfect
+tongue-power, "you are fooling me. Beware!"
+
+"I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she bowed herself
+submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall therefore marry you.
+Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon her.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to
+come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself
+before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity.
+
+And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether rolled
+her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways
+of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic
+completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed,
+irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in it, and rustics
+danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were "blasted," like poor
+BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the calm nonchalance of a
+Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched into a world of reviews,
+where the multitude of readers is not as to their external
+displacements, but as to their subjective experiences.
+
+[THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW GALLERY.
+
+This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all shapes and
+sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the young Ladies:--
+
+No. 13. "_White Roses._" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns here, evidently,
+judging by the young woman's look of anguish. And this is the moral
+POYNTER points.
+
+No. 66. "_A War Cloud._" A Music-HALLE singing "_Rule Britannia!_"
+with proper dressings.
+
+No. 18. "_Paderewski._" Surely it ought to be PATTY REWSKY, with
+"Miss" before the name. _Moral_, "Get your hair cut!"
+
+No. 284. "_Nightfall in the Dauphinee._" "_Might_ fall," it ought to
+be, and no wonder if she walked about on so dark a night with such a
+load in her arms!
+
+No. 165. "_Che sara sara._" A pedestrian match in the Metropolis. In
+fact, _Walker, London_. A portrait of _Sarah_, after she has been
+let down into the punt, the shock having dislocated her shoulder. She
+might have kept _Col. Neal's_ clothes round her neck to hide her back.
+
+No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND KHNPFF. Our
+Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that he went out to get
+assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to pronounce the painter's
+name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now in a precarious state.
+Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant
+Sub-Critic, and a few extra Supernumerary Critics, then went in a
+body and looked at this young woman's head, apparently taken after
+an interview with Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all
+sides, and finally stood on their own, but they could not make head
+or tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning, and
+paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this journal.
+
+There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young Ladies, but
+those mentioned above are the most remarkable in the New Girlery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANY MAN TO ANY WOMAN.
+
+  O woman, in our hours of ease,
+  We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"
+  But when there's prospect of a row,
+  _You're_ best out of it anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, THAT TUNE!"
+
+A Sketch of an Unintentional and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie
+Collins.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO ARCHERS.--In the _P.M.G._ of Saturday last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in
+a signed article, criticises a book on "_How to Write a Good Play_, by
+FRANK ARCHER." In expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes
+Frank--unpleasantly Frank.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RIDDLE.
+
+  While Publishers their fortunes make
+    And wax exceeding fat,
+  The Author still is like a rake.
+    Now, pray account for that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers
+    Out of this room, where we think more of ham
+  Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than HERKOMERS,
+    Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON with lamb,
+
+  Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and celery,
+    And not of the drawings at which we should look;
+  Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,
+    But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of "Cook."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+House of Commons, Monday, April 25.--Session resumed to-day after
+Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says, Session comes but Members
+linger. Not forty present when business commenced. "May as well go
+on." said the SPEAKER, whom everybody glad to see looking brisk and
+hearty after his holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."
+
+So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or
+enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got to
+business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to be measure
+involving closest interests of the great empire that CLIVE helped to
+make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after. Appearance of House suggestive
+rather of some local question affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney
+Marsh. Below Gangway, on Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present.
+Member for Oldham a sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space.
+Above Gangway RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE
+CURZON had Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing
+how cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite
+staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his looks,
+sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought. Pretty to
+see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made graceful allusion to
+his genius and statesmanlike conduct of affairs. "Approbation from Sir
+HUBERT STANLEY," as he later observed, "is praise indeed."
+
+[Illustration: "So-and-So."]
+
+Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above Gangway
+opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's vacant place
+as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party brimful of energy,
+enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopaedic knowledge--MORTON, SEYMOUR
+KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE
+OF CAMBORNE, who has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows
+all about India.
+
+Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN whilst
+he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS PELLY, who
+really knew something about India, and therefore would probably not
+have spoken had he been here to-night. A kindly, courteous, upright,
+valiant gentleman, who took a little too seriously the joke House had
+with him about the Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous
+speech on the question, with its graphic description of forced marches
+"from So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to
+So-forth."
+
+PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he, too, has
+made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on into the unmapped
+So-forth.
+
+MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous desolate House. Only one
+other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several speeches
+dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me will bear me out
+when I say--" Instant commotion below Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on
+his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against
+MORTON. All animated by desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth.
+He breathlessly explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and,
+they reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter end.
+
+Business done.--Practically none.
+
+Tuesday.--Amid the pomps and vanities of a wicked world there is
+something refreshing and reassuring in spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN
+ANNE'S GATE going about his daily business. One would describe him
+as childlike and bland, only for recollection that combination of
+harmless endearing epithet has been applied in another connection and
+might be misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that
+so accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to pose
+Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution. Wanted to know
+whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between months of September
+and December in present year, a Bill would be brought in to accelerate
+Registration? Terms of question being set forth on printed paper, not
+necessary for the SAGE to recite them. For this he seemed grateful.
+It relieved him from the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR
+by a reference to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt
+at being asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his
+seat--so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not impose his
+full height on the eyesight of the Minister--"begged to ask the FIRST
+LORD OF THE TREASURY Question No. 8."
+
+Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he looked at
+the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the question addressed
+to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually wanting to know something
+about the date of the Dissolution, and what would follow in certain
+contingencies. As a philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the
+vagaries of the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his
+large leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of
+doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number, indulging
+in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the contingency
+referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they had not even
+contemplated taking any steps to meet it.
+
+Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose, the
+Government would act in the manner he had suggested?
+
+No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in full view
+of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw that deduction from
+what he had said.
+
+[Illustration: Cap'n Birkbeck.]
+
+The House, having listened intently to this artless conversation,
+proceeded to business of the day, which happily included the adoption
+of a Resolution engaging the Government to connect with the mainland,
+by telephone or telegraph, the lighthouses and lightships that
+twinkle round our stormy coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved
+this Resolution, seconded from other side in admirable speech by
+MARJORIBANKS.
+
+Business done.--Excellent.
+
+Wednesday.--Much surprised, strolling down to House this afternoon,
+to find place in sort of state of siege. Policemen, policemen
+everywhere, and, as one sadly observed, "not a drop to drink." Haven't
+seen anything like it since KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops
+from his mane as he walked through Palace Yard, passing through
+enthusiastic crowd into House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts
+in Old Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old
+GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table, scene was
+somewhat similar.
+
+"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our able and
+indefatigable Superintendent striding about the Corridor, as NAPOLEON
+visited the outposts on the eve of Austerlitz.
+
+"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of them at
+St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman driven off at
+point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up; party of the name of
+BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on the flat of his back."
+
+"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for oratorical
+effort. But you seem to have got new men at the various posts?"
+
+"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice to whisper;
+"we've picked em out. Gone through the Force; mustered all the
+bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion of argument on Woman's
+Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night, floor nearly ankle-deep in
+loose hair. They don't get much off _my_ men," said HORSLEY, proudly.
+
+[Illustration: "So young and so iniquitous!"]
+
+Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably they had
+something to do with the almost disappointing result. Everything
+passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate had been India,
+or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million or two. Ladies locked
+up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with lime-lights playing on placards
+hung on walls enforcing "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH
+should come on early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had
+marvellously sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later,
+ASQUITH demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars,
+that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a shrill
+whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR, dexterously
+intervening, soothed the angry breast by his chivalrous advocacy of
+Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat there floated over the charmed
+House, coming "So young and so as it were from heavenly spheres above
+the iniquitous!" SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a
+man!"
+
+Business done.--Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected by 175 Votes against
+152.
+
+Friday Night.--Little sparring match between Front Benches. Mr.
+G. and all his merry men anxious, above all things, to know when
+Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR
+interested, but ignorant. Can't understand why people should always
+be talking about Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a
+sufficient majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the
+month of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence
+in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there will
+be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme. Let him
+contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and not trouble
+his head about indefinite details like Dissolutions.
+
+This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he became
+Leader.
+
+Business done.--None.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE WEATHER.
+
+  The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,
+    The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for tea.
+  It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;
+    Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and me.
+  With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent leather),
+    My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my hair,
+  Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the weather,
+    I am safe--the barometer points to "Set Fair."
+
+  So I'm off--why, what's that? Yes, by Jove, there's a sputter
+    Of rain on the pavement!--the sunshine retires;
+  And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to utter
+    The thoughts that this changeable weather inspires.
+  Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and disgusted;
+    In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt it again;
+  And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted
+    The barometer's index, which now points to "Rain."
+
+  Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and "bowler,"--
+    My STELLA thinks more of a man than his dress.
+  I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console her.
+    Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll love me no less.
+  Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy them--
+    Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing away!
+  The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry them.
+    Well, there, I give up, and retire for the day!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
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+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
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