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diff --git a/old/14592.txt b/old/14592.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b7443c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14592.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1585 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +April 9th, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 9th, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 4, 2005 [EBook #14592] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +April 9th, 1892. + + + + +BOAT-RACE DAY. + + _The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith Bridge, + and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sightseers towards + Mortlake. The banks are already occupied--although it still wants half + an hour to the time fixed for the start--by a triple row of the more + patient and prudent spectators. On the left of the path, various more + or less_ Shady Characters _have established their "pitches," and are + doing their best to beguile the unsophisticated._ + +_First Shady Character_ (_presiding over a particoloured roulette board +with a revolving and not unmanageable index_). Three to one any colour you +like! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a layin'.... Pop it on, +you sportsmen! (_Two_ Sportsmen--_a couple of shop-boys_--"_pop it on_," +_in coppers_.) Yaller was your colour--and it _is_ a yaller cap, sure +enough! _I_'m a payin' this time. Try it again! (_They do._) Blue's your +fancy this turn, my lord. And green it _is_! Good ole Hireland for ever! +Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yer +luck--'ave another go. _Red_ did you put your coppers on? And it's _yaller_ +again--and _you _ lose! (_The_ Sportsmen _pass on--with empty pockets_.) +Fairest game _in_ the world! + +_Second S.C._ (_who has been conducting a Confidence Auction from a barrow +and egg-box_). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if you ain't +--(_candidly_)--it don't make no bloomin' difference to me, for I'm +orf--these premises is comin' down fur alterations. [_He gets off the +barrow, shoulders the egg-box, and departs in search of fresh dupes._ + +_A Vendor._ Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and amusement, jest +you stop and invest a penny in this little article I am now about to +introdooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient in the 'ole art +and practice of Photography in the small space of five seconds and a +arf--and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't possible to become an +expert photographer at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. 'Ere I +'old in my 'and a simple little machine, consistin' of a small sheet of +glorss in a gilt frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd-and-forty-one +times, never been bit by a mad dog in my life, and all these articles have +been thoroughly fumigated before leaving the factory, therefore you'll +agree with me you needn't be afraid o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell +me it's nearly died out now--and no wonder, with everythink a cure for +it--but this article is a _certain_ remedy. All you've got to do is to bite +off a corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at the +time, chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, call +for a pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this way--the +minoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the microbe, +preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you to +suffocate 'im with the four ale. (_To the Reader._) Will you allow me to +show you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? kindly 'old it +in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the plate for the space +of a few seconds. (_All of which the Reader, being the soul of courtesy, +obligingly does--and is immediately rewarded by observing the outline of a +donkey's head produced upon the glass._) Now if you'll 'and that round, +Sir, to allow the company to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness-- + [_But here the Reader will probably prefer to pass on._ + +_Third S.C._ (_who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half covered with +a rug, and yelling_). Ow-ow-ow-ow!... Come an' see the wonderful little +popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, walk round, shake +'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where he was keptured! + + [_Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which--as soon + as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing--reveals itself as an + illicit lottery. Speculators purchase numbered tickets freely; balls + are shaken up in the tin box--and the popsy-wopsy invariably gets + distinctly the best of it._ + +[Illustration: "I'm ole Billy Fairplay, _I_ am!"] + +_Fourth S.C._ (_an extremely disreputable-looking old gentleman, with a +cunningly curled piece of tape on a board_), 'Ere, I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, +_I_ am! Come an' try yer fortins at little 'Ide an' Find! Arf a crown yer +don't prick the middle o' this bit o' tape. Bet arf a crown, to win five +shillin's! (_A school-boy sees his way to doubling his last tip, and +speculates._) Wrong agin, my boy! It's old BILLY FAIRPLAY'S luck--for +_once_ in a way! [_The School-boy departs, saddened by this +most unexpected result._ + +_Fifth S.C._ (_a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who is trying +desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too familiar +purse-trick_). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellin' yer all, fair _an_' +frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I _can_; but, if you kin ketch me on my +_merits_, why, _I_ shan't grumble--I'll promise yer that much! Well, +now--(_to a stolid and respectable young Clerk_)--jest to show you don't +know _me_, and I don't know _you_--(_he throws three half-crowns into the +purse_). There, 'old _that_ for me. Shut it. (_The Clerk does so, +grinning._) Thank you--you're a gentleman, though you mayn't look like +it--but perhaps you're one in disguise. _Now_ gimme 'arf a crown for it. +Yer won't? _Any_ one gimme arf a crown for it? Why--(_unprintable +language_)--if ever I see sech a blanky lot o' mugs in _my_ life! 'Ere, +I'll try yer once more! (_He does._) _Now_ oo'll gimme arf a crown for it? +(_To a Genteel Onlooker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible +comment_) "See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter, with a glazier's shop where +yer eye orter be! Well, if anyone had 'a told me I should stand 'ere, on +Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob for arf a crown, and no one with the +ordinary pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my word, I'd have +suspected that man of tellin' me a untruth! (_To a simple-looking +spectator._) Will _you_ 'old this purse for me? Yer will? Well. I like the +manly way yer speak up! (_Here the_ Gent. Onl., _observing a seedy man +slinking about outside, warns the company to "mind their pockets"--which +excites the_ Purse-seller's _just indignation_.) "Ere!--(_to the_ G.O.) you +take _your_ 'ook! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave. You're a bloomin' sight +too officious, _you_ are! Not much in _your_ pockets to mind--'cept the key +o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I'll lay! If you carn't beyave as a +Gentleman _among _ Gentlemen, go 'ome to where you 'ad your 'air cut +last--to Pentonville! (_The_ G.O. _retires._) There, we shall get along +better without '_im_. 'Ow long are you goin' to keep me 'ere? Upon my word +an' honour, it's enough to sicken a man to see what the world's come to! +Where's yer courage? Where's yer own common sense? Where's your faith in +'umin nature? What do yer _expect_? (_Scathingly._) Want me to wrop it up +in a porcel, and send it 'ome for yer? Is _that_ what yer waitin' for! +Dammy, if this goes on, I shall git wild, and take and give the bloomin' +purse a bath! (_The_ Simple Spectator _feels in his pockets--evidently for +a half-crown_.) 'Ere, _you_ look more intelligent than the rest--I'll try +yer jest this once. Jest to show yer don't know me, and--(_Shouts of +"They're off! They're coming!" from the bank; the_ Purse-seller's _audience +suddenly melts away, leaving him alone with the_ Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere, JIM, +we may as well turn it up. 'Ere come them blanky boats! + +_A Juvenile Plunger_ (_with rather a complicated book on the event_). If +Oxford wins, I've got ter git a penny out of 'im, and if Kimebridge wins, +you've got ter git a penny outer _me_! + +_Crowd_ (_as the Crews flash by_). Go it, Oxford! Ox--ford! No, Kimebridge! +Well rowed, Kimebridge!... Oxford wins! No, it don't. _I'll_ lay it don't! +Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was Oxford? The inside one. No, it worn't-- +they was _outside_. Well, Oxford was _leadin_', anyway!... There, _that's_ +all over till next year! Not much to come out for, either--on'y just see +'em for a second or so. Oh, _I_ come out for the lark of it, _I_ do.... +There goes the pidgins orf.... We shan't be long knowin' now.... 'Ere's the +Press Boat comin' back.... There, wot did I _tell_ yer, now? Well, they +didn't orter ha' won. that's all--the others was the best crew.... 'Ere +they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see? Seem friendly enough, too, +considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor, they wouldn't bear no +malice now it's over! + + [_Crowd disperse, and patronise_ "_Popsy Wopsy_," _the Roulette_, _Ole + Billy Fairplay_, _&c._, _&c._, _with renewed zest._ + + * * * * * + +Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much +delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last +understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus." + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM THE WHALER, AND HIS GREAT LONE WHALING EXPEDITION. + +MODERN IMPERIAL GERMAN VERSION. (BY BIZZY THE PILOT.) + +["The arrangements for the German Emperor's Whale-hunting excursion have +been made."--_The Times._] + +[Illustration] + + 'Twas arter he'd got rid o' Me, + Brave boys. + When Will-I-AM he did sa-a-a-ail, + In a bit of a boat + Which would scarcely float, + And he went for to catch a Whale, + Brave boys! + All alone for to catch a Whale. + + His Sire and his Grandsire trusted Me, + Brave boys! + Who was never known for to fa-a-a-il; + But _he_ thought he knew + More than Cap'en _and_ crew, + In the matter o' catching a Whale, + Brave boys! + In the matter o' catching a Whale. + + He'd inwented a new harpoon, + Brave boys + As was shaped on a whoppingish sca-a-a-le + And he thought with delight, + (The "magnanimous" mite!) + He was _going_ to catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He made cocksure o' catching that Whale! + + There were several Whales about, + Brave boys! + Here and there a twitching a ta-a-a-il; + And he thinks, thinks he, + "I will catch all three, + But pertikler that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most pertikler that big black Whale." + + + Enraptured with his bit of a boat, + Brave boys! + He set forth to sea in a g-a-a-a-le; + Which was altogether + The wrong sort o'weather + For a novice to capture a Whale, + Brave boys! + A mere nipper for to capture a Whale. + + + I gives him the best of adwice, + Brave boys! + For I knowed he was bound for to fa-a-a-il; + But he ups, and he offs, + And he snubs me, and he scoffs + At the notion of a-missing that Whale, + Brave boys! + The mere notion of _not_ catching that Whale. + + And he bobbles about on the waves, + Brave boys! + And his stout heart doth not qua-a-a-ail; + He's a foolish little chuck, + But he's got a lot o' pluck, + Still, he will not catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He ain't going for to catch that Whale. + + There was three whopping Whales in the offing, + Brave boys! + And them he did loudly h-a-a-ail; + But to such a voice as his'n + They worn't a-going to listen, + Especially that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most especially that big black Whale. + + He crept up with his big harpoon, + Brave boys! + That monster to impa-a-a-ale, + And stubbornly he kep' on + A hurling of his weapon, + Till he managed to hit that Whale, + Brave boys! + He managed to prick that Whale. + + Then he thought he'd done a mighty clever thing, + Brave boys! + But the Whale gave a fhwisk! with his ta-a-a-ail, + And then vanished from his view, + _With the harpoon wot he threw_, + And WILL-I-AM nearly followed that Whale, + Brave boys! + Wos werry near to _following_ that Whale: + + Then WILL-I-AM the Whaler looked dumfoozled, + Brave boys! + And _I_ sings out--a being within ha-a-a-il-- + "I told you, noble Cap'en, + Exactly wot would happen!" + So--he didn't catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + _No--he never caught that Whale!_ + + * * * * * + +"NAMES AND THEIR MEANING."--_A propos_ of some correspondence in the +_Morning Post_ under the above heading, we would ask, Why not make the +Second Chief Commissioner for the Behring Straits Difficulty, Mr. SEALE +HAYNE, M.P., with Lord SAY AND SELE to speak on the subject, and then sign +the official documents? + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has heard much lately about the "Sandringham Stud" and the "St. +Andrews Links," both of which, she understands, are very large. She can't +make out how gentlemen prefer them to nice, neat little shirt-buttons! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROTHER PASTELLIST. + +[Messrs. GOUPIL admit Artists and Students free to Mr. WHISTLER'S +Exhibition.] + +_Gatekeeper (stopping squalid Stranger)._ "NOW THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" + +_S.S._ "COME TO SEE JIMMY'S SHOW." _Gatekeeper._ "ONE SHILLING, +PLEASE!" + +_S.S._ "NOT ME! I'M A ARTIST--CORNER O' BAKER STREET--CHALKS. LE'MME +THROUGH!" [_Chucked!_] + + * * * * * + +"Signs" of the Times. + + ["He was brought up to speak in the ante-stumping era."--_Lord Rosebery + on Lord Granville._"] + + You do well, my dear Lord, to spread GRANVILLE'S renown. + Knightly, loyal, and courteous to monarch or clown, + He had pluck, and swift speech, though no mere Party Pump. + To our late platform level he hardly worked down; + But the popular sign of _his_ day was "The Crown," + Of _ours_ 'tis "The Magpie and Stump." + + * * * * * + + A PROPHECY AS TO THE U.B.R. + + When the Eights are reaching Chiswick, + One will give the other physic. + + * * * * * + +TWO DROMIOS.--One day last week at Highgate, a certain or uncertain WILLIAM +PEA, horsedealer, was summoned by the Police for furious driving. The +Police knew him well by sight, but not well enough, as he clearly proved +what _Mr. Weller Senior_ called "a alleybi." Evidently Mr. PEA has a +double, and "as like as two Peas" is peculiarly applicable in this case. +For if the other one isn't a Pea, he has been taken for one by the +Pee-lers. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF POLITENESS.--Except in the case of a man's father having been +"a big gun" at any time, to call anyone "a Son of a Gun," has hitherto been +considered a gross insult. Is it equally insulting to speak of a Lady as "a +Daughter of a Canon?" + + * * * * * + +AN EMPTY TRIUMPH. + +(_A Story of Show Sunday._) + +It was Show Sunday; lovers of Art were streaming in and out of every Studio +they could hunt up, fired with a laudable ambition to break the record by +the number they visited in the hours between luncheon and dusk. + +[Illustration] + +The residence of so rising a painter as TINTORETTO TICKLER was naturally a +place in which no person of any self-respect would neglect to be seen; and +on this particular afternoon the entrance-hall, sitting-rooms, and studio +were simply choked with an eager throng of friends, acquaintances, and +utter strangers; for TINTORETTO'S lavish hospitality was well known, and no +expense had been spared to give his guests as favourable an impression of +his talent as possible. A couple of knights, clad in complete steel--the +local greengrocer and an Italian model--took the guests' hats, and +announced their names; there were daffodils and azaleas in profusion; the +Red Roumanians performed national airs in the studio-gallery; Italian +mandolinists sang and strummed on the staircase, and, in the dining-room, +trim maid-servants, in becoming white caps and streamers, dispensed coffee, +claret-cup, and ices to a swarm of well-conducted social locusts. + +Just outside his painting-room stood TINTORETTO TICKLER, at the receipt of +compliment, which was abundantly and cheerfully paid. Indeed, the torrent +of congratulation and delicately-expressed eulogy was almost overwhelming. +One lovely and enthusiastic person told him that the sight of his "_Dryad +Disturbing a Beanfeast_" had just marked an epoch in her mental +development, and that she considered it quite the supreme achievement of +the Art of the Century. A ponderous man in spectacles, whom TICKLER had no +recollection of having ever met before in his life, encouraged him by his +solemn assurance that his "_Jews Sitting in a Dentist's Waiting-room, in +the reign of King John_," was perfectly marvellous in its realism and +historical accuracy, and that it ought to become the property of the +Nation; while an elderly lady, in furs and a crimped front, declared that +the pathos of his nursery subject--a child endeavouring to induce a +mechanical rabbit to share its bread-and-milk--was sending her home with +tears in her eyes. Some talked learnedly of his "values," his "atmosphere," +and the subtlety of his modelling; all agreed that he had surpassed himself +and every living artist by his last year's work, and no one made any +mistake about the nature of his subjects, perhaps because--in consideration +for the necessities of the British Art-patron--they had been fully +announced and described in the artistic notes of several Sunday papers. + +When they got outside, it is true, their enthusiasm slightly evaporated; +TICKLER was going off, he was repeating himself, he had nothing that was +likely to produce a sensation this year, and most of his pictures would +probably never be seen again. + +As, however, these last remarks were not made in TINTORETTO'S presence, it +might have been thought that the unmistakable evidences of his success +which he did hear would have rendered him a proud and happy painter,--but +if he was, all that can be said was that he certainly did not look it. He +accepted the most effusive tributes with the same ghastly and conventional +smile; from feminine glances of unutterable gratitude and admiration he +turned away with an inarticulate mumble and an averted eye; at times he +almost seemed to be suppressing a squirm. If expression is any index to the +thoughts, he was neither grateful nor gratified, and distinctly +uncomfortable. + +A painter-friend of his, who had been patiently watching his opportunity to +get a word with him as he stood there exchanging handshakes, managed at +last to get near enough for conversation. "Very glad to find there's no +truth in it!" he began, cordially. "No truth in _what_!" said TICKLER, a +little snappishly, for he was getting extremely fractious, "the +compliments"? + +"No, no, my dear boy. I mean in what a fellow told me outside just +now--that some burglars broke into your studio last night, and carried off +all your canvasses--a lie, of course!" + +"Oh, _that_?" said TICKLER, "that's true enough--they left nothing behind +'em but the beastly frames!" + +"Then what on earth----?" began the other, in perplexity, for another group +was just coming up, beaming with an ecstasy that demanded the relief of +instant expression. + +"Well--er--fact is," explained poor TICKLER, in an undertone, "I _did_ +think of shutting the studio up and getting away somewhere--but my wife +wouldn't hear of it, you know; said it would be such a pity to have had all +the expense and trouble for nothing, and didn't believe the mere absence of +pictures would make any particular difference. And--er--I'm bound to say +that, as you can see for yourself, it _hasn't_!" + +And even as he spoke, he had to resign himself once more to a farewell +burst of positively fulsome appreciation. + + * * * * * + +THE KING AND THE CLOWN. + +[Illustration: PAYNFUL PROCEEDINGS; OR, AFTER THE PANTOMIME'S OVER. + +[See _Times_ Report, Friday last, April 1st, "All Fools' Day."]] + +KING HERBERT CAMPBELL THE FIRST, and HARRY PAYNE, the Clown, were sitting +together, quaffing, after hours, and when work was done, just as in the +good old times was the wont of _The King and the Cobbler_, or _The King and +the Miller_. To them entered a Constable, intent on duty, and no respecter +of persons. Often had he seen the Clown maltreat a policeman on the stage, +nay, had seen him unstuff him, cut his head off and blow him limb from limb +from a gun, and then put him together again; the only mistake being that +the unfortunate official's head was turned the wrong way. So this +Constable, too, looking backwards, as had done the poor pantomimic +policeman, remembered all the slights, insults, and injuries, publicly +inflicted on his cloth for many years, and now rejoiced--Ha! ha!--at last +at having the Clown, the original JOEY, nay, the last of the JOEYS, in his +grasp. + +Poor KING HERBERT the Merry Monarch the Constable pitied, but still +"constabulary duty must be done," as he had heard sung; and remembering +that my Lord Chief Justice, in days gone by, had sent off the Heir Apparent +to prison, so now he the Constable, in the name of the Law, would hale KING +HERBERT before the Magistrate. So King and Clown were had up accordingly. +Did the Clown whimper, and cry, "Oh, please, Sir, it wasn't me, Sir; it was +t'other boy, Sir!" and did the good King prepare to meet his fate like a +man? and was he ready to put his head cheerfully on the wig-block and +declare with his latest breath (up to 12.55 P.M.) that in his closing hours +he died for the benefit of the Public? We know not--except that both +delinquents were let off--like squibs--and Mine Host, the Boniface, had to +pay all the fines. He at all events had a Fine old time of it! _Sic +transit_! So fitly ends the long run of a good Pantomime. _Finis coronat +opus_! + + * * * * * + +The Volunteer Review at Dover. + +_General Idea of Officers in Command._--To make as few mistakes as possible +in handling some thousands of imperfectly-drilled and entirely +undisciplined bodies of men. + +_The same of the Rank and File._--To spend an annual holiday in marching +and counter-marching, and then, after thirty miles of moving over a heavy +country, to return to London dead beat. + + * * * * * + +EFFECTIVELY SETTLING IT.--A "par" in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday +informed us that "The Bishop of EXETER administered, yesterday, the rite of +confirmation to thirty-eight patients of the Western Counties' Idiot Asylum +at Starcross. This is the first time such a rite has been conferred upon +inmates of this institution." Very hard on these inmates, as, previous to +the ceremony there might have been some hope of their recovery; but now +they have become "confirmed idiots." + + * * * * * + +ODE TO A GIRAFFE. + +(_On hearing that the Solitary Specimen at the Zoo had just died._) + +[Illustration] + + So Death has paid the Zoo a call, + And claimed you for his own, + Who "neck or nothing" had been left + To bloom--and die--alone. + From far I gazed into your face, + I did not know your name, + You looked uncomfortable, but + I loved you all the same. + + Your neck _was_ just a trifle long, + I think you must confess. + I've often thought if, as a fact, + You could have done with less. + But we must take you all in all, + And so I hear with pain + That probably we shall not look + Upon your like again. + + I could have spared a buffalo + Or elephant with ease, + An armadillo, or a bear, + A dozen chimpanzees. + When _Jumbo_ left for foreign skies, + I did not shed a tear, + For though his _Alice_ mourned his loss, + I knew that _you_ were here. + + You've gone to heaven, if that's where + The good giraffes all go. + I wonder if you'll ever see + What happens down below. + I hope, for your own comfort, not, + But, if you ever do, + Please recognise me as the Man + Who sadly haunts the Zoo. + + * * * * * + +THE POET AND THE SONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I HAD a thought, a dainty thought, + A quaint and cunning fancy, + I said, "A theme with humour fraught + Within my grasp I can see. + This thought will work into a set + Of verses fit for singing." + A voice rasped, "Oh, a deal o' wet!" + And off that thought went winging. + + And once again that thought returned, + With yet more brightness on it-- + This time with the desire I burned + To weave it in a sonnet. + I'd get an artist chum to do + The subject in a rare cut. + Alas! before 'twas grasped it flew, + Alarmed by, "Git yer 'air cut!" + + I strayed in silent solitude + That lost thought to recover, + And, as my journey I pursued, + 'Twould still around me hover. + Almost I grasped, one fatal day, + That fancy, quaint and clever, + A cad shrieked, "Tara-boom-de-ay!" + And off it flew--for ever! + + * * * * * + +SUNDAY OBSERVANCE. + +[Illustration] + + WHAT a shocking state of things, + Oh, my goodness, Mrs. GRUNDY! + There's a man that plays and sings + In a Blackpool hall on Sunday! + + Oh, what wickedness, oh, dear! + Sunday music! What a scandal! + Folks might even go and hear + Things by HAYDN or by HANDEL! + + Rush and find some obsolete + Act of wise and pious GEORGES, + Which will help us to defeat + Such abominable orgies! + + But here's worse news, I declare; + Gracious patience, Mrs. GRUNDY! + Eastbourne people cannot bear + Nice Salvation bands on Sunday! + + Acts, not words, again we need, + Just to show them they are silly. + Sunday Music stopped? Indeed, + They _must_ like it, willy nilly! + + * * * * * + +THEATRES AND MUSIC HALLS COMMISSION. + +(_A Matinee, by Our Own Reporter._) + +[Illustration] + +IN reply to Mr. WOODALL, Mr. J.L. TOOLE said he was happy to come there. +_Name is JOHN LAWRENCE TOOLE_? Yes. "JACK with my familiars,"--hem!-- +SHAKSPEARE. Being in Witness-box,--JACK in the Box. _What he would take_? +Nothing, thanks, not even his oath. He was quite prepared to kiss the +book--in the absence of the belle. Little joke that--has heard of "bell, +book, and candle." Couldn't bring the candle in,--would if he could, +though, just to--ahem!--make it a light entertainment. Would they excuse +his glove? What did they want to know? _Whether the sanitary arrangements +at his Theatre were good_? Rather--he could only say they were "fust-rate." +A 1, in fact, like the performance. The house held over two thousand +pounds, and was crowded nightly to see _Walker, London. Did he consider the +structure safe_? Of course he did--safe as Houses--that is, safe as his +houses for _Walker, London_ were going to be for the next three years and a +half, when his tenancy would expire, and he should then be in the Army. +_Did the Committee want to know how it was that he would be in the Army_? +He'd tell them; because, when he gave up that Theatre, he would be a "Left +Tenant." Not bad that, for a beginner. We're a getting on, we are. As to +ventilation--well, he couldn't have too much ventilation for _Walker, +London_. He should like it aired everywhere. _Then the Committee might take +it that he was satisfied with the structure_? Well--if they put it in that +way--yes--he thought the structure a bit faulty---but what's the odds as +long as the public like the piece? He didn't consider _Walker, London_, a +model of dramatic construction, but he looked upon the House Boat built on +the stage as quite a model of construction; the end of the piece was a bit +hazy, and he didn't yet know why everybody allowed him to go off with the +punt, which they wouldn't get back, unless his friend, Mr. SHELTON, who was +splendidly made up as a riverside boatman, brought it back, and, begging +the Committee's pardon if they'd excuse his glove, he couldn't tell; not +that it was a secret, because the clever author, a very nice retiring chap +called BARRIE, hadn't confided it to him,--but--what was he saying?--oh, +yes--he couldn't tell how it was all the characters on board didn't see +ELIZA JOHNSON as _Sarah_ in the punt. But as _Walker_ says, "Oh, that's +nothing! that's nothing!" _The Chairman wished to know if there is an +egress at the back of the Theatre?_ He (Mr. TOOLE) did not remember ever +having seen a negress there. There were two beautiful young ladies--Miss +IRENE VANBRUGH and Miss MARY ANSELL--now playing, and, he might say it who +shouldn't, playing charmingly in _Walker, London_. _The Chairman didn't +mean that_. No? But _he_ (Mr. TOOLE) did, and he might add, though "it was +nothing, a mere nothing," that the performance of his three young men--Mr. +C.M. LOWNE, as the sensible lover; Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS, as the young medical +student; and Mr. CECIL RAMSEY, as "W.G.," a youthful athlete, was +admirable. They were all in _Walker, London_. In reply to Mr. T.H. BOLTON, +who wished to know _if the Witness considered his Theatre a substantial +edifice_, Mr. TOOLE said that he certainly did, because, you see, the +Theatre would never go to pieces as long as the pieces went to the Theatre, +and as long as it was supported by the public. _Have I any complaint_? +Nothing to speak of, except a touch of gout. Oh, beg pardon, you meant +_complaint as to the Theatre_? Oh, no, except it's not large enough to hold +the millions who can't be crammed in nightly. Has an excellent Acting +Manager in Mr. GEORGE LEE, and as to friend BILLINGTON'S stage-management +of the House Boat (the scene, he might say, was painted by Mr. HARKER, a +name not unknown at the Mansion House), it is the best thing of the sort +ever done. Any evening that Mr. PLUNKET, Mr. WOODALL, or Mr. BOLTON, or any +other of the Honourable Gentlemen would like to look in and see _Walker, +London_, they have only to send to the Box Office, or any of the Libraries, +and book in advance--he couldn't say fairer than that--because it was +advice that he always gave to "Friend IRVING," and which he had adopted. No +more? Hope he doesn't intrude. Would the Committee excuse his glove? Yes? +Then, remember, _Walker, London_. + +Mr. J.L. TOOLE then hurried out. After his departure it was found that all +the spectators had on their backs adhesive labels advertising _Walker, +London_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WARNING. + +_Archie_ (_to his Sister, who has been reading him Fairy Tales_). "WON'T +THERE BE A LOT OF _US_, IF NONE OF US GO AND GET MARRIED? WORSE THAN _HOP +O'MY THUMB_!" + +_Sister._ "YES; BUT YOU KNOW _I_ MEAN TO BE MARRIED!" + +_Archie._ "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'D GO AND LIVE ALONE WITH A MAN AFTER +READING _BLUEBEARD_?"] + + * * * * * + +A WAITING GAME. + +WARY WILLIAM, _loquitur_:-- + + _Drat that dog_! + Dogs are mixed,--like men. + Few know how to _jog_; + Hasty tongue and pen, + Many a bungler bog, + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + Lots of dogs I've bred. + Most want whip, a deal. + This one, be it said, + Is more hot than leal; + Wants to go ahead, + Hates to come to heel! + + Skies are overcast; + Slowly comes the spring, + Quarry's tracked--at last, + Strong, though, on the wing. + Steady! Not so fast! + Waiting game's the thing. + + 'Tother WILLIAM'S style + Rather spoiled this pup. + _Steady_! Wait awhile! + H-RC-RT's like a Krupp. + I can stroll, and smile-- + Till the birds get up. + + Half-bred dogs--well, well, + Mustn't talk like that! + Else they'll call _me_ "swell." + _Down! What are you at_? + Scurry and pell-mell + Do not 'bell the cat.' + + Sport is not a mere + Game of "Spill and pelt" + Patience! End is near. + _Down_! Brute wants a welt! + Modern breed runs queer; + That I long have felt. + + 'Tother WILLIAM snorts, + L-BBY only grins; + But at most all sports + It is _judgment_ wins. + Breed, though, now consorts + With mongrels--for its sins! + + Long the sport I've loved, + Mean to try again, + I should be reproved + Did I speak too plain: + But--are dogs improved + By that Irish strain? + + Steady, my lad, steady! + Nearly slipped me then! + You're too hot and heady-- + (Like no end of men!--) + _Near_!--but not _quite_ ready. + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + * * * * * + +VESTRYMEN CLIMBING DOWN.--Say the unfortunate Nonconformist Vestrymen of +St. George's, Southwark,--"We won't pay the Rector's Rate; but we won't go +to prison, at any rate." + + * * * * * + +PRUDES AND NUDES. + + [An "Officer of high rank" has written to _Truth_, complaining of the + naked statues and pictures he saw at Londonderry House, at a sale on + behalf of Irish Home Industries.] + + ATTEND and hear the story of a most uncommon _militaire_, + Whom the sight of naked statues caused to tingle to his boots, + Who was seen to beat his breast, and (which was far more flat and silly) + tear + His hair by blushing handfuls from its shocked and modest roots. + + It was dreadful! There were Duchesses (Heav'n bless their handsome + faces!) + And a host of pretty Countesses, and Maidens by the score, + And they sold some Irish Industries--embroideries and laces-- + And MADGE described to AMY all the pretty frocks they wore. + + But the statues and the paintings didn't seem at all to worry them, + Having work to do they did it just as quiet as a mouse, + Though this soldier took his daughter and his wife, and tried to hurry + them + In the cause of outraged virtue far from Londonderry House. + + So when next he goes where statues are, we'll do our best to hide them, + Since to prudes all things are prudish, lest his modesty take hurt. + Though some one else, perhaps, may write, and say he can't abide them, + When Apollo stands in trousers, or when Venus wears a skirt. + + * * * * * + +FROM ROBERT.--"Sir, I'm proud of my furrin co-profeshunal LHEROT, the +himminint Waiter, wot nobbled the bomb-ta-ra (hif I may so igspress my +sentimenx) waggybun, RAVACHOL. This Waiter is wot my french frend calls a +'_Tray bong Gassong_,' and the wunnerful manner the french Waiters has of +carryin a tray loded with drinkabels is worthy of the hippythep. He sez +orlso has is name, hinsted of LHEROT, ort to be andid down to posterittory +as 'L'HEROS'--wich word as rote down by hisself means 'The Hero.' He got a +1000 Franks, wich is rayther more nor wos ever got by one BOB." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WAITING GAME. + +THE OLD KEEPER. "GENTLY! GENTLY!--MY BEAUTY! I'LL SAY '_WHEN_'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REALLY PLEASANT! + +SIX MILES FROM HOME, HORSE DEAD LAME, AWFULLY TENDER FEET, AND HORRIBLY +TIGHT BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOAT-RACE NOVEL. + +STONYBROKE. + +CHAPTER I. + +IT was the eve of the University Boat-Race. In the remote East the gorgeous +August sun was sinking to his rest behind the purple clouds, gilding with +his expiring rays the elevated battlements of Aginanwater Court, the +ancestral seat of His Grace the Duke of AVADRYNKE, K.C.B., G.I.N., whose +Norman features might have been observed convulsively pressed against the +plate-glass window of his alabaster dining-hall. There was in the +atmosphere a strange electric hush, scarcely broken by the myriad voices of +hoarse betting-men, raucously roaring out the market odds of "Fifty to one. +Oxbridge!" or "Two ponies to a thick 'un, Camford!" Well would it have been +for the Duke of AVADRYNKE had he never offered the hospitality of his +famous river-side residence to the Oxbridge Crew. But the Duke had the +courage of his ancient boating-race whose banner waved proudly upon the +topmost turret, bearing upon its crimson folds the proud family motto, +"_Dum Vivo Bibo_." + +And the sun went down, and within Aginanwater Court the sounds of wild +revelry shook the massive beams. + +CHAPTER II. + +THE Oxbridge Crew still sat in the marble supper-room, amid the _debris_ of +the feast that the Duke's Seneschal had laid out for them. The floor was +paved with Magnums and Maximums of the best Heidanseekerer champagne, most +of them as empty as the foolish head of the Duchess of AVADRYNKE, which was +at that moment reposing upon the brawny chest of Lord PODOPHLIN, the +celebrated No. 5 of the Oxbridge Crew. On a raised dais at the end of the +room the ladies of the Tarara _corps de ballet_ were performing the final +steps of the Sinuous Shadow-dance, specially dedicated to the Oxbridge Crew +by the _chef d'orchestre_ of Tarara's Halls. + +"May I be jiggered," observed the Oxbridge President, Sir WELFORARD +LONGSTROKE, as he selected his fourth regalia from the Duke's pearl- +encrusted box, and lit it with all the _abandon_ of a Society darling, "may +I be jiggered if this is not ripping! What say you?" he continued, +addressing young PULYER WRIGHT, the Coxswain, and tossing him playfully +four times to the raftered ceiling--"shall we not beat the dastard foe from +Camford to-morrow?" A roar of applause sprang from the smoking mouths of +his seven companions. + +But at this moment the Duchess of AVADRYNKE and Lord PODOPHLIN rose +unobserved and quitted the room. In another minute the sound of hurrying +wheels, gradually growing fainter in the distance, was heard by no one in +the avenue. And the dance went on, and revelry rose to its maddest pitch. +But no one, who, as has been recorded above, had heard the sound of the +wheels, gave a thought to the Duke of AVADRYNKE, as he sat tearing his hair +in the violet bedroom, having learnt from the faithful Seneschal the +terrible news of the Duchess's elopement with the heir to the house of +PODOPHLIN. + +CHAPTER III. + +THE morn of the race dawned clear and sparkling. Far as the eye could +reach, the banks of the river were rich with Millions, and firm enough to +bear any run upon them however heavy. But Sir WELFORARD LONGSTROKE was ill +at ease. His No. 5 had fled leaving no trace, and he had no one to fill the +vacancy. He looked the very model of an aquatic hero. His broad chest was +loosely clad in a pair of blue satin shorts, and his fair hair fell in +waving masses over his muscular back. His thoughts were bitter. The Camford +crew had started on the race some ten minutes ago, and the Oxbridge craft +still waited idly in the docks for want of a No. 5. + +"Surely," Sir WELFORARD thought to himself, "PODOPHLIN might have postponed +the elopement for one day." A confused noise interrupted his meditations. +Some ten yards from him a man roughly clad, but with the immense muscular +development of the Arri Furnese Apollo, was engaged in fighting three +bargees at once. As Sir WELFORARD stepped forward, this individual struck a +terrible blow. His ponderous fist, urged by the force of a thirty-inch +biceps, crashed through the chest of his first foe, severed the head of the +second from his body, and struck the third, a tall man, full in the +midriff, propelling him through the air into the middle of the river. +"That's enough for one day," he said, as with an air of haughty melancholy +he removed his clay-pipe from his mouth. His face seemed familiar to Sir +WELFORARD. Who could he be? All doubt was removed when he advanced, grasped +Sir WELFORARD by the hand, and, in tones broken with emotion, said, "Don't +you recognise me? I am your old College chum, Viscount STONYBROKE." + +CHAPTER IV. + +"SAVED! Saved!" shouted Sir WELFORARD, joyously--"there is yet time!" Then, +rushing into rhyme, he asked, "Will you row in the race, In PODOPHLIN'S +place?" + +[Illustration: Touching Finale.] + +"Will I row in the race?" repeated Lord STONYBROKE--"just won't I!" And, +without removing his hobnails, or his corduroys, he sprang lightly into the +Oxbridge racing-boat. The rest is soon told. In less time than it takes to +narrate the story, the Camford lead was wiped out. The exertion proved too +much for seven men in the Oxbridge Crew, but the gigantic strength of the +eighth, Lord STONYBROKE, was sufficient of itself to win the race by fifty +lengths. And that night, when the Prime Minister handed to him the reward +of victory in the shape of a massive gold dessert service, he was also able +to announce that the STONYBROKE estates and the STONYBROKE title had been, +by the Monarch's command, restored to their original possessor, as a reward +of conspicuous valour and strength. [THE END.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS WAX-WORKS. THE CHIEF GROUPS.] + + * * * * * + +Walt Whitman. + + "The good grey Poet" gone! Brave, hopeful WALT! + He might not be a singer without fault, + And his large rough-hewn rhythm did not chime + With dulcet daintiness of time and rhyme. + He was no neater than wide Nature's wild, + More metrical than sea-winds. Culture's child, + Lapped in luxurious laws of line and lilt, + Shrank from him shuddering, who was roughly built + As cyclopean temples. Yet there rang + True music through his rhapsodies, as he sang + Of brotherhood, and freedom, love and hope, + With strong wide sympathy which dared to cope + With all life's phases, and call nought unclean. + Whilst hearts are generous, and whilst woods are green, + He shall find hearers, who, in a slack time + Of puny bards and pessimistic rhyme, + Dared to bid men adventure and rejoice. + His "yawp barbaric" was a human voice; + The singer was a man. America + Is poorer by a stalwart soul to-day, + And may feel pride that she hath given birth + To this stout laureate of old Mother Earth. + + * * * * * + +OUR CRICKETERS.--The English Cricketing Team came to the end of their +Australian tour last week, where, under the leadership of Lord SHEFFIELD, +out of twenty-six matches they won thirteen, lost two, and eleven were +drawn. The Eleven of course were drawn over and over again, _i.e._, +photographed. It will henceforth be a recommendation for any Cricketer to +say he was out under this distinguished captaincy, as to this introduction +the host will rejoin, "Ah, I know that man, he comes from SHEFFIELD." Not +only were the English team successful playfully, but also artistically, as +in every match they played with GRACE. + + * * * * * + +BRAWLING AT HOME AND ABROAD.--On the same day in the papers appeared +accounts of brawling in a Church in Paris, where a free fight ensued and no +police interfered, and of a row in a Church in London Road, when the police +walked off with an anti-curate and put an end to the disturbance. Some +things we _do_ manage better in England. + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY CLASSICS.--Of the Guildhall Loan Collection, Mr. Deputy HORA is the +Chairman. As a Deputy must be a representative officer--except, perhaps, in +the case of a "Depitty Sawbones," _vide Sam Weller_--the temporary motto of +the Deputy's Ward might well be, "_Hora pro nobis_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW COMET. + +["Mr. DENNING, whose name is well known as a comet-finder, discovered a +_small_ FAINT _Comet_ on Friday, March 18, at Bishopton, Bristol."-- +_Times_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HASTY! + +_Mary._ "IF MISSUS DON'T WITHDRAW WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME, I SHALL LEAVE +THE HOUSE!" + +_Thomas._ "WHAT DID SHE SAY?" + +_Mary._ "SHE SAID, 'I GIVE YOU A MONTH'S NOTICE!'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Seymour-Keay.] + +_House of Commons, Monday. March 28._--Strange sight witnessed in House +to-night. Subject of Debate, Indian Council Bill; Benches nearly full. Pup +and dog, I've known the House for nineteen years, and never before saw the +like. Explanation not found in fact of CURZON making his maiden speech as +Minister in charge of Bill, though that had some influence at outset. Able +speech it proved, our newest Minister having the great gift of lucidity. It +was later than that when House filled, nearly two hours later, for in +meantime SCHWANN had delivered Address as long as the Ganges, and MACLEAN +(who was waiting his turn to speak) says, nearly as muddy. + +Curious how India seems to affect eminent orators, making them for the time +pointless, dull, and above all, verbose. Probably no subject other than +India could unite such galaxy of born orators and debaters. SWIFT MACNEILL, +RICHARD TEMPLE, SAMUEL SMITH, OCTAVIUS MORGAN, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON and +SEYMOUR-KEAY--one followed the other as in a necklet of diamonds gem +succeeds gem, till the wearied eyesight can scarce decide which is the more +brilliant. SEYMOUR-KEAY was, indeed, too much for the SPEAKER, who thrice +called him to order, the last time with stern voice and threatening brow +that made SEYMOUR tremble from the altitude of his boot-heels. + +It was none of these who filled the House with Members listening intently +to a speech on internal affairs of India, It was Mr. G. who performed the +miracle. No one expected to find him in this galley; being there, the banks +were rapidly crowded with a throng lost in admiration of his strong, swift, +graceful stroke. Difficult to say which the most admirable, the lofty +height, far above the littleness of Party conflict, from which he surveyed +the topic, the charm of his language or the dexterity with which, without +seeming to rebuke the follower who had moved the Amendment and the eminent +men who were prepared to support it, he sustained the Ministry in their +effort to reconstruct the Indian Councils, and suggested that the Amendment +should with all haste be put into the fire. Whilst SCHWANN appropriated an +hour of the Sitting, and SEYMOUR-KEAY exceeded that time, twenty-five +minutes served Mr. G. for a speech delivered without note, apparently +without preparation, and which left nothing more to be said. + +"Upon my word, Sir," I said, a little out of breath trying to keep pace +with him running up the Duke of YORK'S steps going home to dinner, "you +grow younger every year, and, if I may say so, mellower." + +"You certainly may say so, TOBY, if you like," he smilingly replied, "but +the calendar says otherwise." + +"What," I asked-- + + "What has the calendar to do + With Mr. G.? What Time's fruitless tooth + With gay immortals such as you, + Whose years but emphasise your youth?" + +"Ah, I know that--with a slight difference. LOWELL wrote it to WENDEL +HOLMES on his seventy-fifth birthday. I knew HOLMES too; he used to crow +over me because he was just four months older, and yet, as he said, whilst +I pleaded age as a reason why I could not visit the United States, he +crossed the Atlantic at seventy-seven. Perhaps when I've got this Home-Rule +question off my hands, I may find time to go to the United States." + +"Yes," I said, "you'll be another year younger then, and more at leisure." + +_Business done._--Indian Council Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration: R. Cuninghame Graham.] + +_Tuesday._--Some sensation created at Morning Sitting by discovery of +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM addressing House from Conservative Benches. There was a +well-known Member of the Parliament of 1874 who hit upon new device for, as +he reckoned, doubling his chance of catching SPEAKER'S eye. Noted that +SPEAKER called alternately upon Members from either side. If debate were +opened from Opposition Benches, SPEAKER would next turn to other side of +House, and call on Ministerialist. Happy thought occurred to our old +friend. After rising several times from his seat below Gangway on +Opposition Benches, and been passed over by SPEAKER in favour of another, +he, whilst Member was speaking, crossed floor of House, and, when speech +concluded, jumped up from other side. Being again ignored by the startled +SPEAKER, went back to own place again to try his chances there. Don't +remember that the manoeuvre was a success. Certainly not been generally +adopted. + +GRAHAM seems now to have recurred to it; or can it be the case that he, +too, has joined "the Gentlemen of England"? House so agitated by this +problem, that it quite loses thread of debate; a thrilling discussion, to +which FERGUSSON contributed a luminous speech, upon the Telephone. + +WILFRID LAWSON much interested in new development of affairs. + +"The Government," he says, "if only with the instincts of self- +preservation, should hasten the Dissolution. If they go on a little longer, +no saying what they may come to, with JOE as their principal champion in +town and country, with JOHN REDMOND as their favourite orator; led into the +Lobby the other day by BURT against the Eight Hours Bill, they only want to +recruit CUNINGHAME GRAHAM to their ranks to make the medley complete. If +they go on another three months, we shall see them some Sunday following +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM'S red flag as he leads them to Trafalgar Square, there to +be addressed by Alderman JOHN BURNS." + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Civil Service Estimates. + +[Illustration: "Crude and wasteful."] + +_Thursday._--Scotch Members made a night of it. Great muster of the Clans. +Government have L265,000 to make over to Scotland in relief of Local +Taxation and promotion of Education. Scotch Members don't object to the +money, but take exception to its plan of distribution. Member after Member +rises from Opposition Benches, biting at hand that proffers the boon. +"Crude and wasteful," BUCHANAN calls this scheme, and Scotch Members +lustily cheer. + +A capital debate of its kind, but not picturesque; Benches empty, only the +LORD-ADVOCATE on the Treasury Bench. + +"I'll tell you how you can manage these fellows, my dear CASABLANCA," said +JEMMY LOWTHER, crossing the Gangway, and seating himself for a moment by +the solitary Minister. + +"Beg your pardon, my name is PEARSON." + +"Of course," said JEMMY, "I know very well; only a quotation; thinking of +the Boy who stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, doncha. +Was going to tell you how you can get out of this trouble. Fellows opposite +righteously indignant at your proposed disposition of money. Very well; you +get up, say you're sorry to have offended; had no idea you'd made such a +mistake; only atonement you can offer is to withdraw the proposed grant +altogether. Then you'll see how they'll sit up." + +"Excellent idea," said LORD-ADVOCATE. "Shall mention it to GOSCHEN when he +comes back--if he ever does," he added with weary voice, looking down the +deserted Bench. Scotch Members, all unconscious of JEMMY LOWTHER'S +machination, went on talking till midnight, when debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday._--In Committee of Supply; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE thinks +opportunity favourable for Prince ARTHUR to tell all he knows about +Dissolution. Prince ARTHUR quite agreeable, but really knows nothing. +Radicals look angry at being thus put off; show signs of intention to +discuss the matter. Mr. G. interposes; makes one of his bland speeches; +wouldn't press question now (a suggestion that pleases Ministers); +by-and-by time will come, then we shall see; whereat SAGE and his friends +brighten up; Mr. G. sits down having pleased everybody; storm blown off. + +Curious to note the altered condition in atmosphere of House since Mr. G. +came back. Turmoil stopped; restlessness soothed; Ministerial work goes on +smoothly, whilst the GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR looks on benevolently. + +"Yes," said PRINCE ARTHUR, uneasily, "this is all very well. He holds back +the curs that would snap at our heels; but it's only because he, a wilier +tactician, knows that no practical advantage is to be gained from that kind +of sport. Wait till he thinks the hour has struck, and you'll see he'll not +only let slip the dogs of war, but lead the rush himself." + +_Business done._--In Committee of Supply. + + * * * * * + +REMBRANDT, TITIEN, VELASQUEZ, ET CIE. WHISTLER, SUCCESSEUR. + +[Illustration] + + Oh, what a catalogue! Whatever made you think + Numbers should mix in a way never seen? + 3, that's a flood of milk, 20, a flood of ink, + Touching a gruel-like sea, that's 15. + + Next time, to make a delightful variety, + Hang upside down all the works in your show, + Whilst, on their heads, the _elite_ of Society, + Gasp, "_Fin de Siecle_, quite _chic_, don't you know!" + + Why play such pranks to draw people who scoff? It is + They to whose critical words you are deaf. + Though in your country you are not a prophet, is + This how you make one, that's spelt with an F? + + Strange that the only kind critic you mention + Is French. He compares you with REMBRANDT & CO.; + His words seem the sole ones that claim your attention: + We'll end in his tongue, like the list of your show. + + _Cher Monsieur_ VISTLAIRE, _allez chez la nation_ + _Voisine, et emportez ces oeuvres_ "_splendides_," + "_Destinees a l'eternite des admirations_," + _Ainsi que dit ce critique candide_! + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +102, April 9th, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14592.txt or 14592.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/5/9/14592/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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