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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14592-0.txt b/14592-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..032a872 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1195 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14592 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +April 9th, 1892. + + + + +BOAT-RACE DAY. + + _The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith Bridge, + and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sightseers towards + Mortlake. The banks are already occupied--although it still wants half + an hour to the time fixed for the start--by a triple row of the more + patient and prudent spectators. On the left of the path, various more + or less_ Shady Characters _have established their "pitches," and are + doing their best to beguile the unsophisticated._ + +_First Shady Character_ (_presiding over a particoloured roulette board +with a revolving and not unmanageable index_). Three to one any colour you +like! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a layin'.... Pop it on, +you sportsmen! (_Two_ Sportsmen--_a couple of shop-boys_--"_pop it on_," +_in coppers_.) Yaller was your colour--and it _is_ a yaller cap, sure +enough! _I_'m a payin' this time. Try it again! (_They do._) Blue's your +fancy this turn, my lord. And green it _is_! Good ole Hireland for ever! +Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yer +luck--'ave another go. _Red_ did you put your coppers on? And it's _yaller_ +again--and _you _ lose! (_The_ Sportsmen _pass on--with empty pockets_.) +Fairest game _in_ the world! + +_Second S.C._ (_who has been conducting a Confidence Auction from a barrow +and egg-box_). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if you ain't +--(_candidly_)--it don't make no bloomin' difference to me, for I'm +orf--these premises is comin' down fur alterations. [_He gets off the +barrow, shoulders the egg-box, and departs in search of fresh dupes._ + +_A Vendor._ Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and amusement, jest +you stop and invest a penny in this little article I am now about to +introdooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient in the 'ole art +and practice of Photography in the small space of five seconds and a +arf--and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't possible to become an +expert photographer at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. 'Ere I +'old in my 'and a simple little machine, consistin' of a small sheet of +glorss in a gilt frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd-and-forty-one +times, never been bit by a mad dog in my life, and all these articles have +been thoroughly fumigated before leaving the factory, therefore you'll +agree with me you needn't be afraid o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell +me it's nearly died out now--and no wonder, with everythink a cure for +it--but this article is a _certain_ remedy. All you've got to do is to bite +off a corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at the +time, chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, call +for a pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this way--the +minoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the microbe, +preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you to +suffocate 'im with the four ale. (_To the Reader._) Will you allow me to +show you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? kindly 'old it +in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the plate for the space +of a few seconds. (_All of which the Reader, being the soul of courtesy, +obligingly does--and is immediately rewarded by observing the outline of a +donkey's head produced upon the glass._) Now if you'll 'and that round, +Sir, to allow the company to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness-- + [_But here the Reader will probably prefer to pass on._ + +_Third S.C._ (_who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half covered with +a rug, and yelling_). Ow-ow-ow-ow!... Come an' see the wonderful little +popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, walk round, shake +'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where he was keptured! + + [_Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which--as soon + as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing--reveals itself as an + illicit lottery. Speculators purchase numbered tickets freely; balls + are shaken up in the tin box--and the popsy-wopsy invariably gets + distinctly the best of it._ + +[Illustration: "I'm ole Billy Fairplay, _I_ am!"] + +_Fourth S.C._ (_an extremely disreputable-looking old gentleman, with a +cunningly curled piece of tape on a board_), 'Ere, I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, +_I_ am! Come an' try yer fortins at little 'Ide an' Find! Arf a crown yer +don't prick the middle o' this bit o' tape. Bet arf a crown, to win five +shillin's! (_A school-boy sees his way to doubling his last tip, and +speculates._) Wrong agin, my boy! It's old BILLY FAIRPLAY'S luck--for +_once_ in a way! [_The School-boy departs, saddened by this +most unexpected result._ + +_Fifth S.C._ (_a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who is trying +desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too familiar +purse-trick_). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellin' yer all, fair _an_' +frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I _can_; but, if you kin ketch me on my +_merits_, why, _I_ shan't grumble--I'll promise yer that much! Well, +now--(_to a stolid and respectable young Clerk_)--jest to show you don't +know _me_, and I don't know _you_--(_he throws three half-crowns into the +purse_). There, 'old _that_ for me. Shut it. (_The Clerk does so, +grinning._) Thank you--you're a gentleman, though you mayn't look like +it--but perhaps you're one in disguise. _Now_ gimme 'arf a crown for it. +Yer won't? _Any_ one gimme arf a crown for it? Why--(_unprintable +language_)--if ever I see sech a blanky lot o' mugs in _my_ life! 'Ere, +I'll try yer once more! (_He does._) _Now_ oo'll gimme arf a crown for it? +(_To a Genteel Onlooker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible +comment_) "See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter, with a glazier's shop where +yer eye orter be! Well, if anyone had 'a told me I should stand 'ere, on +Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob for arf a crown, and no one with the +ordinary pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my word, I'd have +suspected that man of tellin' me a untruth! (_To a simple-looking +spectator._) Will _you_ 'old this purse for me? Yer will? Well. I like the +manly way yer speak up! (_Here the_ Gent. Onl., _observing a seedy man +slinking about outside, warns the company to "mind their pockets"--which +excites the_ Purse-seller's _just indignation_.) "Ere!--(_to the_ G.O.) you +take _your_ 'ook! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave. You're a bloomin' sight +too officious, _you_ are! Not much in _your_ pockets to mind--'cept the key +o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I'll lay! If you carn't beyave as a +Gentleman _among _ Gentlemen, go 'ome to where you 'ad your 'air cut +last--to Pentonville! (_The_ G.O. _retires._) There, we shall get along +better without '_im_. 'Ow long are you goin' to keep me 'ere? Upon my word +an' honour, it's enough to sicken a man to see what the world's come to! +Where's yer courage? Where's yer own common sense? Where's your faith in +'umin nature? What do yer _expect_? (_Scathingly._) Want me to wrop it up +in a porcel, and send it 'ome for yer? Is _that_ what yer waitin' for! +Dammy, if this goes on, I shall git wild, and take and give the bloomin' +purse a bath! (_The_ Simple Spectator _feels in his pockets--evidently for +a half-crown_.) 'Ere, _you_ look more intelligent than the rest--I'll try +yer jest this once. Jest to show yer don't know me, and--(_Shouts of +"They're off! They're coming!" from the bank; the_ Purse-seller's _audience +suddenly melts away, leaving him alone with the_ Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere, JIM, +we may as well turn it up. 'Ere come them blanky boats! + +_A Juvenile Plunger_ (_with rather a complicated book on the event_). If +Oxford wins, I've got ter git a penny out of 'im, and if Kimebridge wins, +you've got ter git a penny outer _me_! + +_Crowd_ (_as the Crews flash by_). Go it, Oxford! Ox--ford! No, Kimebridge! +Well rowed, Kimebridge!... Oxford wins! No, it don't. _I'll_ lay it don't! +Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was Oxford? The inside one. No, it worn't-- +they was _outside_. Well, Oxford was _leadin_', anyway!... There, _that's_ +all over till next year! Not much to come out for, either--on'y just see +'em for a second or so. Oh, _I_ come out for the lark of it, _I_ do.... +There goes the pidgins orf.... We shan't be long knowin' now.... 'Ere's the +Press Boat comin' back.... There, wot did I _tell_ yer, now? Well, they +didn't orter ha' won. that's all--the others was the best crew.... 'Ere +they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see? Seem friendly enough, too, +considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor, they wouldn't bear no +malice now it's over! + + [_Crowd disperse, and patronise_ "_Popsy Wopsy_," _the Roulette_, _Ole + Billy Fairplay_, _&c._, _&c._, _with renewed zest._ + + * * * * * + +Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much +delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last +understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus." + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM THE WHALER, AND HIS GREAT LONE WHALING EXPEDITION. + +MODERN IMPERIAL GERMAN VERSION. (BY BIZZY THE PILOT.) + +["The arrangements for the German Emperor's Whale-hunting excursion have +been made."--_The Times._] + +[Illustration] + + 'Twas arter he'd got rid o' Me, + Brave boys. + When Will-I-AM he did sa-a-a-ail, + In a bit of a boat + Which would scarcely float, + And he went for to catch a Whale, + Brave boys! + All alone for to catch a Whale. + + His Sire and his Grandsire trusted Me, + Brave boys! + Who was never known for to fa-a-a-il; + But _he_ thought he knew + More than Cap'en _and_ crew, + In the matter o' catching a Whale, + Brave boys! + In the matter o' catching a Whale. + + He'd inwented a new harpoon, + Brave boys + As was shaped on a whoppingish sca-a-a-le + And he thought with delight, + (The "magnanimous" mite!) + He was _going_ to catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He made cocksure o' catching that Whale! + + There were several Whales about, + Brave boys! + Here and there a twitching a ta-a-a-il; + And he thinks, thinks he, + "I will catch all three, + But pertikler that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most pertikler that big black Whale." + + + Enraptured with his bit of a boat, + Brave boys! + He set forth to sea in a g-a-a-a-le; + Which was altogether + The wrong sort o'weather + For a novice to capture a Whale, + Brave boys! + A mere nipper for to capture a Whale. + + + I gives him the best of adwice, + Brave boys! + For I knowed he was bound for to fa-a-a-il; + But he ups, and he offs, + And he snubs me, and he scoffs + At the notion of a-missing that Whale, + Brave boys! + The mere notion of _not_ catching that Whale. + + And he bobbles about on the waves, + Brave boys! + And his stout heart doth not qua-a-a-ail; + He's a foolish little chuck, + But he's got a lot o' pluck, + Still, he will not catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He ain't going for to catch that Whale. + + There was three whopping Whales in the offing, + Brave boys! + And them he did loudly h-a-a-ail; + But to such a voice as his'n + They worn't a-going to listen, + Especially that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most especially that big black Whale. + + He crept up with his big harpoon, + Brave boys! + That monster to impa-a-a-ale, + And stubbornly he kep' on + A hurling of his weapon, + Till he managed to hit that Whale, + Brave boys! + He managed to prick that Whale. + + Then he thought he'd done a mighty clever thing, + Brave boys! + But the Whale gave a fhwisk! with his ta-a-a-ail, + And then vanished from his view, + _With the harpoon wot he threw_, + And WILL-I-AM nearly followed that Whale, + Brave boys! + Wos werry near to _following_ that Whale: + + Then WILL-I-AM the Whaler looked dumfoozled, + Brave boys! + And _I_ sings out--a being within ha-a-a-il-- + "I told you, noble Cap'en, + Exactly wot would happen!" + So--he didn't catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + _No--he never caught that Whale!_ + + * * * * * + +"NAMES AND THEIR MEANING."--_À propos_ of some correspondence in the +_Morning Post_ under the above heading, we would ask, Why not make the +Second Chief Commissioner for the Behring Straits Difficulty, Mr. SEALE +HAYNE, M.P., with Lord SAY AND SELE to speak on the subject, and then sign +the official documents? + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has heard much lately about the "Sandringham Stud" and the "St. +Andrews Links," both of which, she understands, are very large. She can't +make out how gentlemen prefer them to nice, neat little shirt-buttons! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROTHER PASTELLIST. + +[Messrs. GOUPIL admit Artists and Students free to Mr. WHISTLER'S +Exhibition.] + +_Gatekeeper (stopping squalid Stranger)._ "NOW THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" + +_S.S._ "COME TO SEE JIMMY'S SHOW." _Gatekeeper._ "ONE SHILLING, +PLEASE!" + +_S.S._ "NOT ME! I'M A ARTIST--CORNER O' BAKER STREET--CHALKS. LE'MME +THROUGH!" [_Chucked!_] + + * * * * * + +"Signs" of the Times. + + ["He was brought up to speak in the ante-stumping era."--_Lord Rosebery + on Lord Granville._"] + + You do well, my dear Lord, to spread GRANVILLE'S renown. + Knightly, loyal, and courteous to monarch or clown, + He had pluck, and swift speech, though no mere Party Pump. + To our late platform level he hardly worked down; + But the popular sign of _his_ day was "The Crown," + Of _ours_ 'tis "The Magpie and Stump." + + * * * * * + + A PROPHECY AS TO THE U.B.R. + + When the Eights are reaching Chiswick, + One will give the other physic. + + * * * * * + +TWO DROMIOS.--One day last week at Highgate, a certain or uncertain WILLIAM +PEA, horsedealer, was summoned by the Police for furious driving. The +Police knew him well by sight, but not well enough, as he clearly proved +what _Mr. Weller Senior_ called "a alleybi." Evidently Mr. PEA has a +double, and "as like as two Peas" is peculiarly applicable in this case. +For if the other one isn't a Pea, he has been taken for one by the +Pee-lers. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF POLITENESS.--Except in the case of a man's father having been +"a big gun" at any time, to call anyone "a Son of a Gun," has hitherto been +considered a gross insult. Is it equally insulting to speak of a Lady as "a +Daughter of a Canon?" + + * * * * * + +AN EMPTY TRIUMPH. + +(_A Story of Show Sunday._) + +It was Show Sunday; lovers of Art were streaming in and out of every Studio +they could hunt up, fired with a laudable ambition to break the record by +the number they visited in the hours between luncheon and dusk. + +[Illustration] + +The residence of so rising a painter as TINTORETTO TICKLER was naturally a +place in which no person of any self-respect would neglect to be seen; and +on this particular afternoon the entrance-hall, sitting-rooms, and studio +were simply choked with an eager throng of friends, acquaintances, and +utter strangers; for TINTORETTO'S lavish hospitality was well known, and no +expense had been spared to give his guests as favourable an impression of +his talent as possible. A couple of knights, clad in complete steel--the +local greengrocer and an Italian model--took the guests' hats, and +announced their names; there were daffodils and azaleas in profusion; the +Red Roumanians performed national airs in the studio-gallery; Italian +mandolinists sang and strummed on the staircase, and, in the dining-room, +trim maid-servants, in becoming white caps and streamers, dispensed coffee, +claret-cup, and ices to a swarm of well-conducted social locusts. + +Just outside his painting-room stood TINTORETTO TICKLER, at the receipt of +compliment, which was abundantly and cheerfully paid. Indeed, the torrent +of congratulation and delicately-expressed eulogy was almost overwhelming. +One lovely and enthusiastic person told him that the sight of his "_Dryad +Disturbing a Beanfeast_" had just marked an epoch in her mental +development, and that she considered it quite the supreme achievement of +the Art of the Century. A ponderous man in spectacles, whom TICKLER had no +recollection of having ever met before in his life, encouraged him by his +solemn assurance that his "_Jews Sitting in a Dentist's Waiting-room, in +the reign of King John_," was perfectly marvellous in its realism and +historical accuracy, and that it ought to become the property of the +Nation; while an elderly lady, in furs and a crimped front, declared that +the pathos of his nursery subject--a child endeavouring to induce a +mechanical rabbit to share its bread-and-milk--was sending her home with +tears in her eyes. Some talked learnedly of his "values," his "atmosphere," +and the subtlety of his modelling; all agreed that he had surpassed himself +and every living artist by his last year's work, and no one made any +mistake about the nature of his subjects, perhaps because--in consideration +for the necessities of the British Art-patron--they had been fully +announced and described in the artistic notes of several Sunday papers. + +When they got outside, it is true, their enthusiasm slightly evaporated; +TICKLER was going off, he was repeating himself, he had nothing that was +likely to produce a sensation this year, and most of his pictures would +probably never be seen again. + +As, however, these last remarks were not made in TINTORETTO'S presence, it +might have been thought that the unmistakable evidences of his success +which he did hear would have rendered him a proud and happy painter,--but +if he was, all that can be said was that he certainly did not look it. He +accepted the most effusive tributes with the same ghastly and conventional +smile; from feminine glances of unutterable gratitude and admiration he +turned away with an inarticulate mumble and an averted eye; at times he +almost seemed to be suppressing a squirm. If expression is any index to the +thoughts, he was neither grateful nor gratified, and distinctly +uncomfortable. + +A painter-friend of his, who had been patiently watching his opportunity to +get a word with him as he stood there exchanging handshakes, managed at +last to get near enough for conversation. "Very glad to find there's no +truth in it!" he began, cordially. "No truth in _what_!" said TICKLER, a +little snappishly, for he was getting extremely fractious, "the +compliments"? + +"No, no, my dear boy. I mean in what a fellow told me outside just +now--that some burglars broke into your studio last night, and carried off +all your canvasses--a lie, of course!" + +"Oh, _that_?" said TICKLER, "that's true enough--they left nothing behind +'em but the beastly frames!" + +"Then what on earth----?" began the other, in perplexity, for another group +was just coming up, beaming with an ecstasy that demanded the relief of +instant expression. + +"Well--er--fact is," explained poor TICKLER, in an undertone, "I _did_ +think of shutting the studio up and getting away somewhere--but my wife +wouldn't hear of it, you know; said it would be such a pity to have had all +the expense and trouble for nothing, and didn't believe the mere absence of +pictures would make any particular difference. And--er--I'm bound to say +that, as you can see for yourself, it _hasn't_!" + +And even as he spoke, he had to resign himself once more to a farewell +burst of positively fulsome appreciation. + + * * * * * + +THE KING AND THE CLOWN. + +[Illustration: PAYNFUL PROCEEDINGS; OR, AFTER THE PANTOMIME'S OVER. + +[See _Times_ Report, Friday last, April 1st, "All Fools' Day."]] + +KING HERBERT CAMPBELL THE FIRST, and HARRY PAYNE, the Clown, were sitting +together, quaffing, after hours, and when work was done, just as in the +good old times was the wont of _The King and the Cobbler_, or _The King and +the Miller_. To them entered a Constable, intent on duty, and no respecter +of persons. Often had he seen the Clown maltreat a policeman on the stage, +nay, had seen him unstuff him, cut his head off and blow him limb from limb +from a gun, and then put him together again; the only mistake being that +the unfortunate official's head was turned the wrong way. So this +Constable, too, looking backwards, as had done the poor pantomimic +policeman, remembered all the slights, insults, and injuries, publicly +inflicted on his cloth for many years, and now rejoiced--Ha! ha!--at last +at having the Clown, the original JOEY, nay, the last of the JOEYS, in his +grasp. + +Poor KING HERBERT the Merry Monarch the Constable pitied, but still +"constabulary duty must be done," as he had heard sung; and remembering +that my Lord Chief Justice, in days gone by, had sent off the Heir Apparent +to prison, so now he the Constable, in the name of the Law, would hale KING +HERBERT before the Magistrate. So King and Clown were had up accordingly. +Did the Clown whimper, and cry, "Oh, please, Sir, it wasn't me, Sir; it was +t'other boy, Sir!" and did the good King prepare to meet his fate like a +man? and was he ready to put his head cheerfully on the wig-block and +declare with his latest breath (up to 12.55 P.M.) that in his closing hours +he died for the benefit of the Public? We know not--except that both +delinquents were let off--like squibs--and Mine Host, the Boniface, had to +pay all the fines. He at all events had a Fine old time of it! _Sic +transit_! So fitly ends the long run of a good Pantomime. _Finis coronat +opus_! + + * * * * * + +The Volunteer Review at Dover. + +_General Idea of Officers in Command._--To make as few mistakes as possible +in handling some thousands of imperfectly-drilled and entirely +undisciplined bodies of men. + +_The same of the Rank and File._--To spend an annual holiday in marching +and counter-marching, and then, after thirty miles of moving over a heavy +country, to return to London dead beat. + + * * * * * + +EFFECTIVELY SETTLING IT.--A "par" in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday +informed us that "The Bishop of EXETER administered, yesterday, the rite of +confirmation to thirty-eight patients of the Western Counties' Idiot Asylum +at Starcross. This is the first time such a rite has been conferred upon +inmates of this institution." Very hard on these inmates, as, previous to +the ceremony there might have been some hope of their recovery; but now +they have become "confirmed idiots." + + * * * * * + +ODE TO A GIRAFFE. + +(_On hearing that the Solitary Specimen at the Zoo had just died._) + +[Illustration] + + So Death has paid the Zoo a call, + And claimed you for his own, + Who "neck or nothing" had been left + To bloom--and die--alone. + From far I gazed into your face, + I did not know your name, + You looked uncomfortable, but + I loved you all the same. + + Your neck _was_ just a trifle long, + I think you must confess. + I've often thought if, as a fact, + You could have done with less. + But we must take you all in all, + And so I hear with pain + That probably we shall not look + Upon your like again. + + I could have spared a buffalo + Or elephant with ease, + An armadillo, or a bear, + A dozen chimpanzees. + When _Jumbo_ left for foreign skies, + I did not shed a tear, + For though his _Alice_ mourned his loss, + I knew that _you_ were here. + + You've gone to heaven, if that's where + The good giraffes all go. + I wonder if you'll ever see + What happens down below. + I hope, for your own comfort, not, + But, if you ever do, + Please recognise me as the Man + Who sadly haunts the Zoo. + + * * * * * + +THE POET AND THE SONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I HAD a thought, a dainty thought, + A quaint and cunning fancy, + I said, "A theme with humour fraught + Within my grasp I can see. + This thought will work into a set + Of verses fit for singing." + A voice rasped, "Oh, a deal o' wet!" + And off that thought went winging. + + And once again that thought returned, + With yet more brightness on it-- + This time with the desire I burned + To weave it in a sonnet. + I'd get an artist chum to do + The subject in a rare cut. + Alas! before 'twas grasped it flew, + Alarmed by, "Git yer 'air cut!" + + I strayed in silent solitude + That lost thought to recover, + And, as my journey I pursued, + 'Twould still around me hover. + Almost I grasped, one fatal day, + That fancy, quaint and clever, + A cad shrieked, "Tara-boom-de-ay!" + And off it flew--for ever! + + * * * * * + +SUNDAY OBSERVANCE. + +[Illustration] + + WHAT a shocking state of things, + Oh, my goodness, Mrs. GRUNDY! + There's a man that plays and sings + In a Blackpool hall on Sunday! + + Oh, what wickedness, oh, dear! + Sunday music! What a scandal! + Folks might even go and hear + Things by HAYDN or by HANDEL! + + Rush and find some obsolete + Act of wise and pious GEORGES, + Which will help us to defeat + Such abominable orgies! + + But here's worse news, I declare; + Gracious patience, Mrs. GRUNDY! + Eastbourne people cannot bear + Nice Salvation bands on Sunday! + + Acts, not words, again we need, + Just to show them they are silly. + Sunday Music stopped? Indeed, + They _must_ like it, willy nilly! + + * * * * * + +THEATRES AND MUSIC HALLS COMMISSION. + +(_A Matinée, by Our Own Reporter._) + +[Illustration] + +IN reply to Mr. WOODALL, Mr. J.L. TOOLE said he was happy to come there. +_Name is JOHN LAWRENCE TOOLE_? Yes. "JACK with my familiars,"--hem!-- +SHAKSPEARE. Being in Witness-box,--JACK in the Box. _What he would take_? +Nothing, thanks, not even his oath. He was quite prepared to kiss the +book--in the absence of the belle. Little joke that--has heard of "bell, +book, and candle." Couldn't bring the candle in,--would if he could, +though, just to--ahem!--make it a light entertainment. Would they excuse +his glove? What did they want to know? _Whether the sanitary arrangements +at his Theatre were good_? Rather--he could only say they were "fust-rate." +A 1, in fact, like the performance. The house held over two thousand +pounds, and was crowded nightly to see _Walker, London. Did he consider the +structure safe_? Of course he did--safe as Houses--that is, safe as his +houses for _Walker, London_ were going to be for the next three years and a +half, when his tenancy would expire, and he should then be in the Army. +_Did the Committee want to know how it was that he would be in the Army_? +He'd tell them; because, when he gave up that Theatre, he would be a "Left +Tenant." Not bad that, for a beginner. We're a getting on, we are. As to +ventilation--well, he couldn't have too much ventilation for _Walker, +London_. He should like it aired everywhere. _Then the Committee might take +it that he was satisfied with the structure_? Well--if they put it in that +way--yes--he thought the structure a bit faulty---but what's the odds as +long as the public like the piece? He didn't consider _Walker, London_, a +model of dramatic construction, but he looked upon the House Boat built on +the stage as quite a model of construction; the end of the piece was a bit +hazy, and he didn't yet know why everybody allowed him to go off with the +punt, which they wouldn't get back, unless his friend, Mr. SHELTON, who was +splendidly made up as a riverside boatman, brought it back, and, begging +the Committee's pardon if they'd excuse his glove, he couldn't tell; not +that it was a secret, because the clever author, a very nice retiring chap +called BARRIE, hadn't confided it to him,--but--what was he saying?--oh, +yes--he couldn't tell how it was all the characters on board didn't see +ELIZA JOHNSON as _Sarah_ in the punt. But as _Walker_ says, "Oh, that's +nothing! that's nothing!" _The Chairman wished to know if there is an +egress at the back of the Theatre?_ He (Mr. TOOLE) did not remember ever +having seen a negress there. There were two beautiful young ladies--Miss +IRENE VANBRUGH and Miss MARY ANSELL--now playing, and, he might say it who +shouldn't, playing charmingly in _Walker, London_. _The Chairman didn't +mean that_. No? But _he_ (Mr. TOOLE) did, and he might add, though "it was +nothing, a mere nothing," that the performance of his three young men--Mr. +C.M. LOWNE, as the sensible lover; Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS, as the young medical +student; and Mr. CECIL RAMSEY, as "W.G.," a youthful athlete, was +admirable. They were all in _Walker, London_. In reply to Mr. T.H. BOLTON, +who wished to know _if the Witness considered his Theatre a substantial +edifice_, Mr. TOOLE said that he certainly did, because, you see, the +Theatre would never go to pieces as long as the pieces went to the Theatre, +and as long as it was supported by the public. _Have I any complaint_? +Nothing to speak of, except a touch of gout. Oh, beg pardon, you meant +_complaint as to the Theatre_? Oh, no, except it's not large enough to hold +the millions who can't be crammed in nightly. Has an excellent Acting +Manager in Mr. GEORGE LEE, and as to friend BILLINGTON'S stage-management +of the House Boat (the scene, he might say, was painted by Mr. HARKER, a +name not unknown at the Mansion House), it is the best thing of the sort +ever done. Any evening that Mr. PLUNKET, Mr. WOODALL, or Mr. BOLTON, or any +other of the Honourable Gentlemen would like to look in and see _Walker, +London_, they have only to send to the Box Office, or any of the Libraries, +and book in advance--he couldn't say fairer than that--because it was +advice that he always gave to "Friend IRVING," and which he had adopted. No +more? Hope he doesn't intrude. Would the Committee excuse his glove? Yes? +Then, remember, _Walker, London_. + +Mr. J.L. TOOLE then hurried out. After his departure it was found that all +the spectators had on their backs adhesive labels advertising _Walker, +London_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WARNING. + +_Archie_ (_to his Sister, who has been reading him Fairy Tales_). "WON'T +THERE BE A LOT OF _US_, IF NONE OF US GO AND GET MARRIED? WORSE THAN _HOP +O'MY THUMB_!" + +_Sister._ "YES; BUT YOU KNOW _I_ MEAN TO BE MARRIED!" + +_Archie._ "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'D GO AND LIVE ALONE WITH A MAN AFTER +READING _BLUEBEARD_?"] + + * * * * * + +A WAITING GAME. + +WARY WILLIAM, _loquitur_:-- + + _Drat that dog_! + Dogs are mixed,--like men. + Few know how to _jog_; + Hasty tongue and pen, + Many a bungler bog, + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + Lots of dogs I've bred. + Most want whip, a deal. + This one, be it said, + Is more hot than leal; + Wants to go ahead, + Hates to come to heel! + + Skies are overcast; + Slowly comes the spring, + Quarry's tracked--at last, + Strong, though, on the wing. + Steady! Not so fast! + Waiting game's the thing. + + 'Tother WILLIAM'S style + Rather spoiled this pup. + _Steady_! Wait awhile! + H-RC-RT's like a Krupp. + I can stroll, and smile-- + Till the birds get up. + + Half-bred dogs--well, well, + Mustn't talk like that! + Else they'll call _me_ "swell." + _Down! What are you at_? + Scurry and pell-mell + Do not 'bell the cat.' + + Sport is not a mere + Game of "Spill and pelt" + Patience! End is near. + _Down_! Brute wants a welt! + Modern breed runs queer; + That I long have felt. + + 'Tother WILLIAM snorts, + L-BBY only grins; + But at most all sports + It is _judgment_ wins. + Breed, though, now consorts + With mongrels--for its sins! + + Long the sport I've loved, + Mean to try again, + I should be reproved + Did I speak too plain: + But--are dogs improved + By that Irish strain? + + Steady, my lad, steady! + Nearly slipped me then! + You're too hot and heady-- + (Like no end of men!--) + _Near_!--but not _quite_ ready. + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + * * * * * + +VESTRYMEN CLIMBING DOWN.--Say the unfortunate Nonconformist Vestrymen of +St. George's, Southwark,--"We won't pay the Rector's Rate; but we won't go +to prison, at any rate." + + * * * * * + +PRUDES AND NUDES. + + [An "Officer of high rank" has written to _Truth_, complaining of the + naked statues and pictures he saw at Londonderry House, at a sale on + behalf of Irish Home Industries.] + + ATTEND and hear the story of a most uncommon _militaire_, + Whom the sight of naked statues caused to tingle to his boots, + Who was seen to beat his breast, and (which was far more flat and silly) + tear + His hair by blushing handfuls from its shocked and modest roots. + + It was dreadful! There were Duchesses (Heav'n bless their handsome + faces!) + And a host of pretty Countesses, and Maidens by the score, + And they sold some Irish Industries--embroideries and laces-- + And MADGE described to AMY all the pretty frocks they wore. + + But the statues and the paintings didn't seem at all to worry them, + Having work to do they did it just as quiet as a mouse, + Though this soldier took his daughter and his wife, and tried to hurry + them + In the cause of outraged virtue far from Londonderry House. + + So when next he goes where statues are, we'll do our best to hide them, + Since to prudes all things are prudish, lest his modesty take hurt. + Though some one else, perhaps, may write, and say he can't abide them, + When Apollo stands in trousers, or when Venus wears a skirt. + + * * * * * + +FROM ROBERT.--"Sir, I'm proud of my furrin co-profeshunal LHÉROT, the +himminint Waiter, wot nobbled the bomb-ta-ra (hif I may so igspress my +sentimenx) waggybun, RAVACHOL. This Waiter is wot my french frend calls a +'_Tray bong Gassong_,' and the wunnerful manner the french Waiters has of +carryin a tray loded with drinkabels is worthy of the hippythep. He sez +orlso has is name, hinsted of LHÉROT, ort to be andid down to posterittory +as 'L'HÉROS'--wich word as rote down by hisself means 'The Hero.' He got a +1000 Franks, wich is rayther more nor wos ever got by one BOB." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WAITING GAME. + +THE OLD KEEPER. "GENTLY! GENTLY!--MY BEAUTY! I'LL SAY '_WHEN_'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REALLY PLEASANT! + +SIX MILES FROM HOME, HORSE DEAD LAME, AWFULLY TENDER FEET, AND HORRIBLY +TIGHT BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOAT-RACE NOVEL. + +STONYBROKE. + +CHAPTER I. + +IT was the eve of the University Boat-Race. In the remote East the gorgeous +August sun was sinking to his rest behind the purple clouds, gilding with +his expiring rays the elevated battlements of Aginanwater Court, the +ancestral seat of His Grace the Duke of AVADRYNKE, K.C.B., G.I.N., whose +Norman features might have been observed convulsively pressed against the +plate-glass window of his alabaster dining-hall. There was in the +atmosphere a strange electric hush, scarcely broken by the myriad voices of +hoarse betting-men, raucously roaring out the market odds of "Fifty to one. +Oxbridge!" or "Two ponies to a thick 'un, Camford!" Well would it have been +for the Duke of AVADRYNKE had he never offered the hospitality of his +famous river-side residence to the Oxbridge Crew. But the Duke had the +courage of his ancient boating-race whose banner waved proudly upon the +topmost turret, bearing upon its crimson folds the proud family motto, +"_Dum Vivo Bibo_." + +And the sun went down, and within Aginanwater Court the sounds of wild +revelry shook the massive beams. + +CHAPTER II. + +THE Oxbridge Crew still sat in the marble supper-room, amid the _débris_ of +the feast that the Duke's Seneschal had laid out for them. The floor was +paved with Magnums and Maximums of the best Heidanseekerer champagne, most +of them as empty as the foolish head of the Duchess of AVADRYNKE, which was +at that moment reposing upon the brawny chest of Lord PODOPHLIN, the +celebrated No. 5 of the Oxbridge Crew. On a raised dais at the end of the +room the ladies of the Tarara _corps de ballet_ were performing the final +steps of the Sinuous Shadow-dance, specially dedicated to the Oxbridge Crew +by the _chef d'orchestre_ of Tarara's Halls. + +"May I be jiggered," observed the Oxbridge President, Sir WELFORARD +LONGSTROKE, as he selected his fourth regalia from the Duke's pearl- +encrusted box, and lit it with all the _abandon_ of a Society darling, "may +I be jiggered if this is not ripping! What say you?" he continued, +addressing young PULYER WRIGHT, the Coxswain, and tossing him playfully +four times to the raftered ceiling--"shall we not beat the dastard foe from +Camford to-morrow?" A roar of applause sprang from the smoking mouths of +his seven companions. + +But at this moment the Duchess of AVADRYNKE and Lord PODOPHLIN rose +unobserved and quitted the room. In another minute the sound of hurrying +wheels, gradually growing fainter in the distance, was heard by no one in +the avenue. And the dance went on, and revelry rose to its maddest pitch. +But no one, who, as has been recorded above, had heard the sound of the +wheels, gave a thought to the Duke of AVADRYNKE, as he sat tearing his hair +in the violet bedroom, having learnt from the faithful Seneschal the +terrible news of the Duchess's elopement with the heir to the house of +PODOPHLIN. + +CHAPTER III. + +THE morn of the race dawned clear and sparkling. Far as the eye could +reach, the banks of the river were rich with Millions, and firm enough to +bear any run upon them however heavy. But Sir WELFORARD LONGSTROKE was ill +at ease. His No. 5 had fled leaving no trace, and he had no one to fill the +vacancy. He looked the very model of an aquatic hero. His broad chest was +loosely clad in a pair of blue satin shorts, and his fair hair fell in +waving masses over his muscular back. His thoughts were bitter. The Camford +crew had started on the race some ten minutes ago, and the Oxbridge craft +still waited idly in the docks for want of a No. 5. + +"Surely," Sir WELFORARD thought to himself, "PODOPHLIN might have postponed +the elopement for one day." A confused noise interrupted his meditations. +Some ten yards from him a man roughly clad, but with the immense muscular +development of the Arri Furnese Apollo, was engaged in fighting three +bargees at once. As Sir WELFORARD stepped forward, this individual struck a +terrible blow. His ponderous fist, urged by the force of a thirty-inch +biceps, crashed through the chest of his first foe, severed the head of the +second from his body, and struck the third, a tall man, full in the +midriff, propelling him through the air into the middle of the river. +"That's enough for one day," he said, as with an air of haughty melancholy +he removed his clay-pipe from his mouth. His face seemed familiar to Sir +WELFORARD. Who could he be? All doubt was removed when he advanced, grasped +Sir WELFORARD by the hand, and, in tones broken with emotion, said, "Don't +you recognise me? I am your old College chum, Viscount STONYBROKE." + +CHAPTER IV. + +"SAVED! Saved!" shouted Sir WELFORARD, joyously--"there is yet time!" Then, +rushing into rhyme, he asked, "Will you row in the race, In PODOPHLIN'S +place?" + +[Illustration: Touching Finale.] + +"Will I row in the race?" repeated Lord STONYBROKE--"just won't I!" And, +without removing his hobnails, or his corduroys, he sprang lightly into the +Oxbridge racing-boat. The rest is soon told. In less time than it takes to +narrate the story, the Camford lead was wiped out. The exertion proved too +much for seven men in the Oxbridge Crew, but the gigantic strength of the +eighth, Lord STONYBROKE, was sufficient of itself to win the race by fifty +lengths. And that night, when the Prime Minister handed to him the reward +of victory in the shape of a massive gold dessert service, he was also able +to announce that the STONYBROKE estates and the STONYBROKE title had been, +by the Monarch's command, restored to their original possessor, as a reward +of conspicuous valour and strength. [THE END.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS WAX-WORKS. THE CHIEF GROUPS.] + + * * * * * + +Walt Whitman. + + "The good grey Poet" gone! Brave, hopeful WALT! + He might not be a singer without fault, + And his large rough-hewn rhythm did not chime + With dulcet daintiness of time and rhyme. + He was no neater than wide Nature's wild, + More metrical than sea-winds. Culture's child, + Lapped in luxurious laws of line and lilt, + Shrank from him shuddering, who was roughly built + As cyclopean temples. Yet there rang + True music through his rhapsodies, as he sang + Of brotherhood, and freedom, love and hope, + With strong wide sympathy which dared to cope + With all life's phases, and call nought unclean. + Whilst hearts are generous, and whilst woods are green, + He shall find hearers, who, in a slack time + Of puny bards and pessimistic rhyme, + Dared to bid men adventure and rejoice. + His "yawp barbaric" was a human voice; + The singer was a man. America + Is poorer by a stalwart soul to-day, + And may feel pride that she hath given birth + To this stout laureate of old Mother Earth. + + * * * * * + +OUR CRICKETERS.--The English Cricketing Team came to the end of their +Australian tour last week, where, under the leadership of Lord SHEFFIELD, +out of twenty-six matches they won thirteen, lost two, and eleven were +drawn. The Eleven of course were drawn over and over again, _i.e._, +photographed. It will henceforth be a recommendation for any Cricketer to +say he was out under this distinguished captaincy, as to this introduction +the host will rejoin, "Ah, I know that man, he comes from SHEFFIELD." Not +only were the English team successful playfully, but also artistically, as +in every match they played with GRACE. + + * * * * * + +BRAWLING AT HOME AND ABROAD.--On the same day in the papers appeared +accounts of brawling in a Church in Paris, where a free fight ensued and no +police interfered, and of a row in a Church in London Road, when the police +walked off with an anti-curate and put an end to the disturbance. Some +things we _do_ manage better in England. + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY CLASSICS.--Of the Guildhall Loan Collection, Mr. Deputy HORA is the +Chairman. As a Deputy must be a representative officer--except, perhaps, in +the case of a "Depitty Sawbones," _vide Sam Weller_--the temporary motto of +the Deputy's Ward might well be, "_Hora pro nobis_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW COMET. + +["Mr. DENNING, whose name is well known as a comet-finder, discovered a +_small_ FAINT _Comet_ on Friday, March 18, at Bishopton, Bristol."-- +_Times_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HASTY! + +_Mary._ "IF MISSUS DON'T WITHDRAW WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME, I SHALL LEAVE +THE HOUSE!" + +_Thomas._ "WHAT DID SHE SAY?" + +_Mary._ "SHE SAID, 'I GIVE YOU A MONTH'S NOTICE!'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Seymour-Keay.] + +_House of Commons, Monday. March 28._--Strange sight witnessed in House +to-night. Subject of Debate, Indian Council Bill; Benches nearly full. Pup +and dog, I've known the House for nineteen years, and never before saw the +like. Explanation not found in fact of CURZON making his maiden speech as +Minister in charge of Bill, though that had some influence at outset. Able +speech it proved, our newest Minister having the great gift of lucidity. It +was later than that when House filled, nearly two hours later, for in +meantime SCHWANN had delivered Address as long as the Ganges, and MACLEAN +(who was waiting his turn to speak) says, nearly as muddy. + +Curious how India seems to affect eminent orators, making them for the time +pointless, dull, and above all, verbose. Probably no subject other than +India could unite such galaxy of born orators and debaters. SWIFT MACNEILL, +RICHARD TEMPLE, SAMUEL SMITH, OCTAVIUS MORGAN, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON and +SEYMOUR-KEAY--one followed the other as in a necklet of diamonds gem +succeeds gem, till the wearied eyesight can scarce decide which is the more +brilliant. SEYMOUR-KEAY was, indeed, too much for the SPEAKER, who thrice +called him to order, the last time with stern voice and threatening brow +that made SEYMOUR tremble from the altitude of his boot-heels. + +It was none of these who filled the House with Members listening intently +to a speech on internal affairs of India, It was Mr. G. who performed the +miracle. No one expected to find him in this galley; being there, the banks +were rapidly crowded with a throng lost in admiration of his strong, swift, +graceful stroke. Difficult to say which the most admirable, the lofty +height, far above the littleness of Party conflict, from which he surveyed +the topic, the charm of his language or the dexterity with which, without +seeming to rebuke the follower who had moved the Amendment and the eminent +men who were prepared to support it, he sustained the Ministry in their +effort to reconstruct the Indian Councils, and suggested that the Amendment +should with all haste be put into the fire. Whilst SCHWANN appropriated an +hour of the Sitting, and SEYMOUR-KEAY exceeded that time, twenty-five +minutes served Mr. G. for a speech delivered without note, apparently +without preparation, and which left nothing more to be said. + +"Upon my word, Sir," I said, a little out of breath trying to keep pace +with him running up the Duke of YORK'S steps going home to dinner, "you +grow younger every year, and, if I may say so, mellower." + +"You certainly may say so, TOBY, if you like," he smilingly replied, "but +the calendar says otherwise." + +"What," I asked-- + + "What has the calendar to do + With Mr. G.? What Time's fruitless tooth + With gay immortals such as you, + Whose years but emphasise your youth?" + +"Ah, I know that--with a slight difference. LOWELL wrote it to WENDEL +HOLMES on his seventy-fifth birthday. I knew HOLMES too; he used to crow +over me because he was just four months older, and yet, as he said, whilst +I pleaded age as a reason why I could not visit the United States, he +crossed the Atlantic at seventy-seven. Perhaps when I've got this Home-Rule +question off my hands, I may find time to go to the United States." + +"Yes," I said, "you'll be another year younger then, and more at leisure." + +_Business done._--Indian Council Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration: R. Cuninghame Graham.] + +_Tuesday._--Some sensation created at Morning Sitting by discovery of +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM addressing House from Conservative Benches. There was a +well-known Member of the Parliament of 1874 who hit upon new device for, as +he reckoned, doubling his chance of catching SPEAKER'S eye. Noted that +SPEAKER called alternately upon Members from either side. If debate were +opened from Opposition Benches, SPEAKER would next turn to other side of +House, and call on Ministerialist. Happy thought occurred to our old +friend. After rising several times from his seat below Gangway on +Opposition Benches, and been passed over by SPEAKER in favour of another, +he, whilst Member was speaking, crossed floor of House, and, when speech +concluded, jumped up from other side. Being again ignored by the startled +SPEAKER, went back to own place again to try his chances there. Don't +remember that the manoeuvre was a success. Certainly not been generally +adopted. + +GRAHAM seems now to have recurred to it; or can it be the case that he, +too, has joined "the Gentlemen of England"? House so agitated by this +problem, that it quite loses thread of debate; a thrilling discussion, to +which FERGUSSON contributed a luminous speech, upon the Telephone. + +WILFRID LAWSON much interested in new development of affairs. + +"The Government," he says, "if only with the instincts of self- +preservation, should hasten the Dissolution. If they go on a little longer, +no saying what they may come to, with JOE as their principal champion in +town and country, with JOHN REDMOND as their favourite orator; led into the +Lobby the other day by BURT against the Eight Hours Bill, they only want to +recruit CUNINGHAME GRAHAM to their ranks to make the medley complete. If +they go on another three months, we shall see them some Sunday following +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM'S red flag as he leads them to Trafalgar Square, there to +be addressed by Alderman JOHN BURNS." + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Civil Service Estimates. + +[Illustration: "Crude and wasteful."] + +_Thursday._--Scotch Members made a night of it. Great muster of the Clans. +Government have £265,000 to make over to Scotland in relief of Local +Taxation and promotion of Education. Scotch Members don't object to the +money, but take exception to its plan of distribution. Member after Member +rises from Opposition Benches, biting at hand that proffers the boon. +"Crude and wasteful," BUCHANAN calls this scheme, and Scotch Members +lustily cheer. + +A capital debate of its kind, but not picturesque; Benches empty, only the +LORD-ADVOCATE on the Treasury Bench. + +"I'll tell you how you can manage these fellows, my dear CASABLANCA," said +JEMMY LOWTHER, crossing the Gangway, and seating himself for a moment by +the solitary Minister. + +"Beg your pardon, my name is PEARSON." + +"Of course," said JEMMY, "I know very well; only a quotation; thinking of +the Boy who stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, doncha. +Was going to tell you how you can get out of this trouble. Fellows opposite +righteously indignant at your proposed disposition of money. Very well; you +get up, say you're sorry to have offended; had no idea you'd made such a +mistake; only atonement you can offer is to withdraw the proposed grant +altogether. Then you'll see how they'll sit up." + +"Excellent idea," said LORD-ADVOCATE. "Shall mention it to GOSCHEN when he +comes back--if he ever does," he added with weary voice, looking down the +deserted Bench. Scotch Members, all unconscious of JEMMY LOWTHER'S +machination, went on talking till midnight, when debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday._--In Committee of Supply; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE thinks +opportunity favourable for Prince ARTHUR to tell all he knows about +Dissolution. Prince ARTHUR quite agreeable, but really knows nothing. +Radicals look angry at being thus put off; show signs of intention to +discuss the matter. Mr. G. interposes; makes one of his bland speeches; +wouldn't press question now (a suggestion that pleases Ministers); +by-and-by time will come, then we shall see; whereat SAGE and his friends +brighten up; Mr. G. sits down having pleased everybody; storm blown off. + +Curious to note the altered condition in atmosphere of House since Mr. G. +came back. Turmoil stopped; restlessness soothed; Ministerial work goes on +smoothly, whilst the GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR looks on benevolently. + +"Yes," said PRINCE ARTHUR, uneasily, "this is all very well. He holds back +the curs that would snap at our heels; but it's only because he, a wilier +tactician, knows that no practical advantage is to be gained from that kind +of sport. Wait till he thinks the hour has struck, and you'll see he'll not +only let slip the dogs of war, but lead the rush himself." + +_Business done._--In Committee of Supply. + + * * * * * + +REMBRANDT, TITIEN, VÉLASQUEZ, ET CIE. WHISTLER, SUCCESSEUR. + +[Illustration] + + Oh, what a catalogue! Whatever made you think + Numbers should mix in a way never seen? + 3, that's a flood of milk, 20, a flood of ink, + Touching a gruel-like sea, that's 15. + + Next time, to make a delightful variety, + Hang upside down all the works in your show, + Whilst, on their heads, the _élite_ of Society, + Gasp, "_Fin de Siècle_, quite _chic_, don't you know!" + + Why play such pranks to draw people who scoff? It is + They to whose critical words you are deaf. + Though in your country you are not a prophet, is + This how you make one, that's spelt with an F? + + Strange that the only kind critic you mention + Is French. He compares you with REMBRANDT & CO.; + His words seem the sole ones that claim your attention: + We'll end in his tongue, like the list of your show. + + _Cher Monsieur_ VISTLAIRE, _allez chez la nation_ + _Voisine, et emportez ces oeuvres_ "_splendides_," + "_Destinées à l'éternité des admirations_," + _Ainsi que dit ce critique candide_! + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +102, April 9th, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14592 *** diff --git a/14592-h/14592-h.htm b/14592-h/14592-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac2a4b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/14592-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1492 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, April 9th, 1892.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14592 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 9th, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page169" id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> + +<h3>BOAT-RACE DAY.</h3> + + <blockquote><i>The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed + Hammersmith Bridge, and is being carried along by a jostling stream of + sightseers towards Mortlake. The banks are already + occupied—although it still wants half an hour to the time fixed for + the start—by a triple row of the more patient and prudent + spectators. On the left of the path, various more or less</i> Shady + Characters <i>have established their "pitches," and are doing their best + to beguile the unsophisticated.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>First Shady Character</i> (<i>presiding over a particoloured + roulette board with a revolving and not unmanageable index</i>). Three to + one any colour you like! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a + layin'.... Pop it on, you sportsmen! (<i>Two</i> Sportsmen—<i>a + couple of shop-boys</i>—"<i>pop it on</i>," <i>in coppers</i>.) + Yaller was your colour—and it <i>is</i> a yaller cap, sure enough! + <i>I</i>'m a payin' this time. Try it again! (<i>They do.</i>) Blue's + your fancy this turn, my lord. And green it <i>is</i>! Good ole Hireland + for ever! Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' + yer luck—'ave another go. <i>Red</i> did you put your coppers on? + And it's <i>yaller</i> again—and <i>you </i> lose! (<i>The</i> + Sportsmen <i>pass on—with empty pockets</i>.) Fairest game + <i>in</i> the world!</p> + + <p><i>Second S.C.</i> (<i>who has been conducting a Confidence Auction + from a barrow and egg-box</i>). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if + you ain't —(<i>candidly</i>)—it don't make no bloomin' + difference to me, for I'm orf—these premises is comin' down fur + alterations. [<i>He gets off the barrow, shoulders the egg-box, and + departs in search of fresh dupes.</i></p> + + <p><i>A Vendor.</i> Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and + amusement, jest you stop and invest a penny in this little article I am + now about to introdooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient + in the 'ole art and practice of Photography in the small space of five + seconds and a arf—and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't + possible to become an expert photographer at a smaller expense than the + sum of one penny. 'Ere I 'old in my 'and a simple little machine, + consistin' of a small sheet of glorss in a gilt frame. I've been + vaccinated five 'underd-and-forty-one times, never been bit by a mad dog + in my life, and all these articles have been thoroughly fumigated before + leaving the factory, therefore you'll agree with me you needn't be afraid + o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell me it's nearly died out + now—and no wonder, with everythink a cure for it—but this + article is a <i>certain</i> remedy. All you've got to do is to bite off a + corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at the time, + chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, call for a + pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this + way—the minoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the + microbe, preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you + to suffocate 'im with the four ale. (<i>To the Reader.</i>) Will you + allow me to show you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? + kindly 'old it in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the + plate for the space of a few seconds. (<i>All of which the Reader, being + the soul of courtesy, obligingly does—and is immediately rewarded + by observing the outline of a donkey's head produced upon the glass.</i>) + Now if you'll 'and that round, Sir, to allow the company to judge whether + it ain't a correct likeness— + [<i>But here the Reader will probably + prefer to pass on.</i></p> + + <p><i>Third S.C.</i> (<i>who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half + covered with a rug, and yelling</i>). Ow-ow-ow-ow!... Come an' see the + wonderful little popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, + walk round, shake 'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where + he was keptured!</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, + which—as soon as an inconvenient Constable is out of + hearing—reveals itself as an illicit lottery. Speculators purchase + numbered tickets freely; balls are shaken up in the tin box—and the + popsy-wopsy invariably gets distinctly the best of it.</i></blockquote> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/169.png"><img width="100%" src="images/169.png" + alt="I'm ole Billy Fairplay, I am!" /></a> + "I'm ole Billy Fairplay, <i>I</i> am!" + </div> + <p><i>Fourth S.C.</i> (<i>an extremely disreputable-looking old + gentleman, with a cunningly curled piece of tape on a board</i>), 'Ere, + I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, <i>I</i> am! Come an' try yer fortins at little + 'Ide an' Find! Arf a crown yer don't prick the middle o' this bit o' + tape. Bet arf a crown, to win five shillin's! (<i>A school-boy sees his + way to doubling his last tip, and speculates.</i>) Wrong agin, my boy! + It's old BILLY FAIRPLAY'S luck—for <i>once</i> in a way! + [<i>The + School-boy departs, saddened by this most unexpected result.</i></p> + + <p><i>Fifth S.C.</i> (<i>a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who + is trying desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too + familiar purse-trick</i>). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellin' yer all, + fair <i>an</i>' frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I <i>can</i>; but, if + you kin ketch me on my <i>merits</i>, why, <i>I</i> shan't + grumble—I'll promise yer that much! Well, now—(<i>to a stolid + and respectable young Clerk</i>)—jest to show you don't know + <i>me</i>, and I don't know <i>you</i>—(<i>he throws three + half-crowns into the purse</i>). There, 'old <i>that</i> for me. Shut it. + (<i>The Clerk does so, grinning.</i>) Thank you—you're a gentleman, + though you mayn't look like it—but perhaps you're one in disguise. + <i>Now</i> gimme 'arf a crown for it. Yer won't? <i>Any</i> one gimme arf + a crown for it? Why—(<i>unprintable language</i>)—if ever I + see sech a blanky lot o' mugs in <i>my</i> life! 'Ere, I'll try yer once + more! (<i>He does.</i>) <i>Now</i> oo'll gimme arf a crown for it? (<i>To + a Genteel Onlooker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible + comment</i>) "See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter, with a glazier's shop + where yer eye orter be! Well, if anyone had 'a told me I should stand + 'ere, on Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob for arf a crown, and no one + with the ordinary pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my word, + I'd have suspected that man of tellin' me a untruth! (<i>To a + simple-looking spectator.</i>) Will <i>you</i> 'old this purse for me? + Yer will? Well. I like the manly way yer speak up! (<i>Here the</i> Gent. + Onl., <i>observing a seedy man slinking about outside, warns the company + to "mind their pockets"—which excites the</i> Purse-seller's + <i>just indignation</i>.) "Ere!—(<i>to the</i> G.O.) you take + <i>your</i> 'ook! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave. You're a bloomin' sight + too officious, <i>you</i> are! Not much in <i>your</i> pockets to + mind—'cept the key o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I'll lay! + If you carn't beyave as a Gentleman <i>among </i> Gentlemen, go 'ome to + where you 'ad your 'air cut last—to Pentonville! (<i>The</i> G.O. + <i>retires.</i>) There, we shall get along better without '<i>im</i>. 'Ow + long are you goin' to keep me 'ere? Upon my word an' honour, it's enough + to sicken a man to see what the world's come to! Where's yer courage? + Where's yer own common sense? Where's your faith in 'umin nature? What do + yer <i>expect</i>? (<i>Scathingly.</i>) Want me to wrop it up in a + porcel, and send it 'ome for yer? Is <i>that</i> what yer waitin' for! + Dammy, if this goes on, I shall git wild, and take and give the bloomin' + purse a bath! (<i>The</i> Simple Spectator <i>feels in his + pockets—evidently for a half-crown</i>.) 'Ere, <i>you</i> look more + intelligent than the rest—I'll try yer jest this once. Jest to show + yer don't know me, and—(<i>Shouts of "They're off! They're coming!" + from the bank; the</i> Purse-seller's <i>audience suddenly melts away, + leaving him alone with the</i> Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere, JIM, we may as well + turn it up. 'Ere come them blanky boats!</p> + + <p><i>A Juvenile Plunger</i> (<i>with rather a complicated book on the + event</i>). If Oxford wins, I've got ter git a penny out of 'im, and if + Kimebridge wins, you've got ter git a penny outer <i>me</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Crowd</i> (<i>as the Crews flash by</i>). Go it, Oxford! + Ox—ford! No, Kimebridge! Well rowed, Kimebridge!... Oxford wins! + No, it don't. <i>I'll</i> lay it don't! Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was + Oxford? The inside one. No, it worn't—they was <i>outside</i>. + Well, Oxford was <i>leadin</i>', anyway!... There, <i>that's</i> all over + till next year! Not much to come out for, either—on'y just see 'em + for a second or so. Oh, <i>I</i> come out for the lark of it, <i>I</i> + do.... There goes the pidgins orf.... We shan't be long knowin' now.... + 'Ere's the Press Boat comin' back.... There, wot did I <i>tell</i> yer, + now? Well, they didn't orter ha' won. that's all—the others was the + best crew.... 'Ere they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see? Seem + friendly enough, too, considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor, + they wouldn't bear no malice now it's over!</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>Crowd disperse, and patronise</i> "<i>Popsy Wopsy</i>," + <i>the Roulette</i>, <i>Ole Billy Fairplay</i>, <i>&c.</i>, + <i>&c.</i>, <i>with renewed zest.</i></blockquote> + +<hr /> + + <p>Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much + delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last + understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span> + + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <h3>WILLIAM THE WHALER, AND HIS GREAT LONE WHALING EXPEDITION.</h3> + + <p class="center">MODERN IMPERIAL GERMAN VERSION. (BY BIZZY THE PILOT.)</p> + + <p class="center">["The arrangements for the German Emperor's + Whale-hunting excursion have been made."—<i>The Times.</i>]</p> + <a href="images/170.png"><img width="100%" src="images/170.png" + alt="William the Whaler" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas arter he'd got rid o' Me,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys.</p> + <p>When Will-I-AM he did sa-a-a-ail,</p> + <p class="i4">In a bit of a boat</p> + <p class="i4">Which would scarcely float,</p> + <p>And he went for to catch a Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>All alone for to catch a Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His Sire and his Grandsire trusted Me,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Who was never known for to fa-a-a-il;</p> + <p class="i4">But <i>he</i> thought he knew</p> + <p class="i4">More than Cap'en <i>and</i> crew,</p> + <p>In the matter o' catching a Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>In the matter o' catching a Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He'd inwented a new harpoon,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys</p> + <p>As was shaped on a whoppingish sca-a-a-le</p> + <p class="i4">And he thought with delight,</p> + <p class="i4">(The "magnanimous" mite!)</p> + <p>He was <i>going</i> to catch that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He made cocksure o' catching that Whale!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There were several Whales about,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Here and there a twitching a ta-a-a-il;</p> + <p class="i4">And he thinks, thinks he,</p> + <p class="i4">"I will catch all three,</p> + <p>But pertikler that big black Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Most pertikler that big black Whale."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Enraptured with his bit of a boat,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He set forth to sea in a g-a-a-a-le;</p> + <p class="i4">Which was altogether</p> + <p class="i4">The wrong sort o'weather</p> + <p>For a novice to capture a Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>A mere nipper for to capture a Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I gives him the best of adwice,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>For I knowed he was bound for to fa-a-a-il;</p> + <p class="i4">But he ups, and he offs,</p> + <p class="i4">And he snubs me, and he scoffs</p> + <p>At the notion of a-missing that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>The mere notion of <i>not</i> catching that Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And he bobbles about on the waves,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>And his stout heart doth not qua-a-a-ail;</p> + <p class="i4">He's a foolish little chuck,</p> + <p class="i4">But he's got a lot o' pluck,</p> + <p>Still, he will not catch that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He ain't going for to catch that Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was three whopping Whales in the offing,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>And them he did loudly h-a-a-ail;</p> + <p class="i4">But to such a voice as his'n</p> + <p class="i4">They worn't a-going to listen,</p> + <p>Especially that big black Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Most especially that big black Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He crept up with his big harpoon,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>That monster to impa-a-a-ale,</p> + <p class="i4">And stubbornly he kep' on</p> + <p class="i4">A hurling of his weapon,</p> + <p>Till he managed to hit that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He managed to prick that Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then he thought he'd done a mighty clever thing,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>But the Whale gave a fhwisk! with his ta-a-a-ail,</p> + <p class="i4">And then vanished from his view,</p> + <p class="i4"><i>With the harpoon wot he threw</i>,</p> + <p>And WILL-I-AM nearly followed that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Wos werry near to <i>following</i> that Whale:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then WILL-I-AM the Whaler looked dumfoozled,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>And <i>I</i> sings out—a being within ha-a-a-il—</p> + <p class="i4">"I told you, noble Cap'en,</p> + <p class="i4">Exactly wot would happen!"</p> + <p>So—he didn't catch that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p><i>No—he never caught that Whale!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>"NAMES AND THEIR MEANING."—<i>À propos</i> of some + correspondence in the <i>Morning Post</i> under the above heading, we + would ask, Why not make the Second Chief Commissioner for the Behring + Straits Difficulty, Mr. SEALE HAYNE, M.P., with Lord SAY AND SELE to + speak on the subject, and then sign the official documents?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>MRS. R. has heard much lately about the "Sandringham Stud" and the + "St. Andrews Links," both of which, she understands, are very large. She + can't make out how gentlemen prefer them to nice, neat little + shirt-buttons!</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/171.png"><img width="100%" src="images/171.png" + alt="A Brother Pastellist." /></a> + <h3>A BROTHER PASTELLIST.</h3> + + <p class="center">[Messrs. GOUPIL admit Artists and Students free to Mr. WHISTLER'S + Exhibition.]</p> + + <p><i>Gatekeeper (stopping squalid Stranger).</i> "NOW THEN, WHAT DO + YOU WANT?"</p> + + <p><i>S.S.</i> "COME TO SEE JIMMY'S SHOW." + <i>Gatekeeper.</i> "ONE SHILLING, + PLEASE!"</p> + + <p><i>S.S.</i> "NOT ME! I'M A ARTIST—CORNER O' BAKER + STREET—CHALKS. LE'MME THROUGH!" + [<i>Chucked!</i></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>"Signs" of the Times.</h4> + + <blockquote>["He was brought up to speak in the ante-stumping + era."—<i>Lord Rosebery on Lord Granville.</i>"]</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You do well, my dear Lord, to spread GRANVILLE'S renown.</p> + <p>Knightly, loyal, and courteous to monarch or clown,</p> + <p class="i2">He had pluck, and swift speech, though no mere Party Pump.</p> + <p>To our late platform level he hardly worked down;</p> + <p>But the popular sign of <i>his</i> day was "The Crown,"</p> + <p class="i2">Of <i>ours</i> 'tis "The Magpie and Stump."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">A PROPHECY AS TO THE U.B.R.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the Eights are reaching Chiswick,</p> + <p>One will give the other physic.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>TWO DROMIOS.—One day last week at Highgate, a certain or + uncertain WILLIAM PEA, horsedealer, was summoned by the Police for + furious driving. The Police knew him well by sight, but not well enough, + as he clearly proved what <i>Mr. Weller Senior</i> called "a alleybi." + Evidently Mr. PEA has a double, and "as like as two Peas" is peculiarly + applicable in this case. For if the other one isn't a Pea, he has been + taken for one by the Pee-lers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>QUESTION OF POLITENESS.—Except in the case of a man's father + having been "a big gun" at any time, to call anyone "a Son of a Gun," has + hitherto been considered a gross insult. Is it equally insulting to speak + of a Lady as "a Daughter of a Canon?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page172" id="page172"></a>[pg 172]</span> + +<h3>AN EMPTY TRIUMPH.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Story of Show Sunday.</i>)</p> + + <p>It was Show Sunday; lovers of Art were streaming in and out of every + Studio they could hunt up, fired with a laudable ambition to break the + record by the number they visited in the hours between luncheon and + dusk.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/172a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/172a.png" + alt="Tintoretto Tickler" /></a> + </div> + <p>The residence of so rising a painter as TINTORETTO TICKLER was + naturally a place in which no person of any self-respect would neglect to + be seen; and on this particular afternoon the entrance-hall, + sitting-rooms, and studio were simply choked with an eager throng of + friends, acquaintances, and utter strangers; for TINTORETTO'S lavish + hospitality was well known, and no expense had been spared to give his + guests as favourable an impression of his talent as possible. A couple of + knights, clad in complete steel—the local greengrocer and an + Italian model—took the guests' hats, and announced their names; + there were daffodils and azaleas in profusion; the Red Roumanians + performed national airs in the studio-gallery; Italian mandolinists sang + and strummed on the staircase, and, in the dining-room, trim + maid-servants, in becoming white caps and streamers, dispensed coffee, + claret-cup, and ices to a swarm of well-conducted social locusts.</p> + + <p>Just outside his painting-room stood TINTORETTO TICKLER, at the + receipt of compliment, which was abundantly and cheerfully paid. Indeed, + the torrent of congratulation and delicately-expressed eulogy was almost + overwhelming. One lovely and enthusiastic person told him that the sight + of his "<i>Dryad Disturbing a Beanfeast</i>" had just marked an epoch in + her mental development, and that she considered it quite the supreme + achievement of the Art of the Century. A ponderous man in spectacles, + whom TICKLER had no recollection of having ever met before in his life, + encouraged him by his solemn assurance that his "<i>Jews Sitting in a + Dentist's Waiting-room, in the reign of King John</i>," was perfectly + marvellous in its realism and historical accuracy, and that it ought to + become the property of the Nation; while an elderly lady, in furs and a + crimped front, declared that the pathos of his nursery subject—a + child endeavouring to induce a mechanical rabbit to share its + bread-and-milk—was sending her home with tears in her eyes. Some + talked learnedly of his "values," his "atmosphere," and the subtlety of + his modelling; all agreed that he had surpassed himself and every living + artist by his last year's work, and no one made any mistake about the + nature of his subjects, perhaps because—in consideration for the + necessities of the British Art-patron—they had been fully announced + and described in the artistic notes of several Sunday papers.</p> + + <p>When they got outside, it is true, their enthusiasm slightly + evaporated; TICKLER was going off, he was repeating himself, he had + nothing that was likely to produce a sensation this year, and most of his + pictures would probably never be seen again.</p> + + <p>As, however, these last remarks were not made in TINTORETTO'S + presence, it might have been thought that the unmistakable evidences of + his success which he did hear would have rendered him a proud and happy + painter,—but if he was, all that can be said was that he certainly + did not look it. He accepted the most effusive tributes with the same + ghastly and conventional smile; from feminine glances of unutterable + gratitude and admiration he turned away with an inarticulate mumble and + an averted eye; at times he almost seemed to be suppressing a squirm. If + expression is any index to the thoughts, he was neither grateful nor + gratified, and distinctly uncomfortable.</p> + + <p>A painter-friend of his, who had been patiently watching his + opportunity to get a word with him as he stood there exchanging + handshakes, managed at last to get near enough for conversation. "Very + glad to find there's no truth in it!" he began, cordially. "No truth in + <i>what</i>!" said TICKLER, a little snappishly, for he was getting + extremely fractious, "the compliments"?</p> + + <p>"No, no, my dear boy. I mean in what a fellow told me outside just + now—that some burglars broke into your studio last night, and + carried off all your canvasses—a lie, of course!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, <i>that</i>?" said TICKLER, "that's true enough—they left + nothing behind 'em but the beastly frames!"</p> + + <p>"Then what on earth——?" began the other, in perplexity, + for another group was just coming up, beaming with an ecstasy that + demanded the relief of instant expression.</p> + + <p>"Well—er—fact is," explained poor TICKLER, in an + undertone, "I <i>did</i> think of shutting the studio up and getting away + somewhere—but my wife wouldn't hear of it, you know; said it would + be such a pity to have had all the expense and trouble for nothing, and + didn't believe the mere absence of pictures would make any particular + difference. And—er—I'm bound to say that, as you can see for + yourself, it <i>hasn't</i>!"</p> + + <p>And even as he spoke, he had to resign himself once more to a farewell + burst of positively fulsome appreciation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE KING AND THE CLOWN.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/172b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/172b.png" + alt="Paynful Proceedings" /></a> + <p class="center">PAYNFUL PROCEEDINGS; OR, AFTER THE PANTOMIME'S + OVER.</p> + + <p class="center">[See <i>Times</i> Report, Friday last, April 1st, + "All Fools' Day."]</p> + </div> + <p>KING HERBERT CAMPBELL THE FIRST, and HARRY PAYNE, the Clown, were + sitting together, quaffing, after hours, and when work was done, just as + in the good old times was the wont of <i>The King and the Cobbler</i>, or + <i>The King and the Miller</i>. To them entered a Constable, intent on + duty, and no respecter of persons. Often had he seen the Clown maltreat a + policeman on the stage, nay, had seen him unstuff him, cut his head off + and blow him limb from limb from a gun, and then put him together again; + the only mistake being that the unfortunate official's head was turned + the wrong way. So this Constable, too, looking backwards, as had done the + poor pantomimic policeman, remembered all the slights, insults, and + injuries, publicly inflicted on his cloth for many years, and now + rejoiced—Ha! ha!—at last at having the Clown, the original + JOEY, nay, the last of the JOEYS, in his grasp.</p> + + <p>Poor KING HERBERT the Merry Monarch the Constable pitied, but still + "constabulary duty must be done," as he had heard sung; and remembering + that my Lord Chief Justice, in days gone by, had sent off the Heir + Apparent to prison, so now he the Constable, in the name of the Law, + would hale KING HERBERT before the Magistrate. So King and Clown were had + up accordingly. Did the Clown whimper, and cry, "Oh, please, Sir, it + wasn't me, Sir; it was t'other boy, Sir!" and did the good King prepare + to meet his fate like a man? and was he ready to put his head cheerfully + on the wig-block and declare with his latest breath (up to 12.55 P.M.) + that in his closing hours he died for the benefit of the Public? We know + not—except that both delinquents were let off—like + squibs—and Mine Host, the Boniface, had to pay all the fines. He at + all events had a Fine old time of it! <i>Sic transit</i>! So fitly ends + the long run of a good Pantomime. <i>Finis coronat opus</i>!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Volunteer Review at Dover.</h4> + + <p><i>General Idea of Officers in Command.</i>—To make as few + mistakes as possible in handling some thousands of imperfectly-drilled + and entirely undisciplined bodies of men.</p> + + <p><i>The same of the Rank and File.</i>—To spend an annual holiday + in marching and counter-marching, and then, after thirty miles of moving + over a heavy country, to return to London dead beat.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>EFFECTIVELY SETTLING IT.—A "par" in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> + last Friday informed us that "The Bishop of EXETER administered, + yesterday, the rite of confirmation to thirty-eight patients of the + Western Counties' Idiot Asylum at Starcross. This is the first time such + a rite has been conferred upon inmates of this institution." Very hard on + these inmates, as, previous to the ceremony there might have been some + hope of their recovery; but now they have become "confirmed idiots."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span> + +<h3>ODE TO A GIRAFFE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>On hearing that the Solitary Specimen at the Zoo +had just died.</i>)</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/173a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173a.png" + alt="The Giraffe" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So Death has paid the Zoo a call,</p> + <p class="i2">And claimed you for his own,</p> + <p>Who "neck or nothing" had been left</p> + <p class="i2">To bloom—and die—alone.</p> + <p>From far I gazed into your face,</p> + <p class="i2">I did not know your name,</p> + <p>You looked uncomfortable, but</p> + <p class="i2">I loved you all the same.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your neck <i>was</i> just a trifle long,</p> + <p class="i2">I think you must confess.</p> + <p>I've often thought if, as a fact,</p> + <p class="i2">You could have done with less.</p> + <p>But we must take you all in all,</p> + <p class="i2">And so I hear with pain</p> + <p>That probably we shall not look</p> + <p class="i2">Upon your like again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I could have spared a buffalo</p> + <p class="i2">Or elephant with ease,</p> + <p>An armadillo, or a bear,</p> + <p class="i2">A dozen chimpanzees.</p> + <p>When <i>Jumbo</i> left for foreign skies,</p> + <p class="i2">I did not shed a tear,</p> + <p>For though his <i>Alice</i> mourned his loss,</p> + <p class="i2">I knew that <i>you</i> were here.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You've gone to heaven, if that's where</p> + <p class="i2">The good giraffes all go.</p> + <p>I wonder if you'll ever see</p> + <p class="i2">What happens down below.</p> + <p>I hope, for your own comfort, not,</p> + <p class="i2">But, if you ever do,</p> + <p>Please recognise me as the Man</p> + <p class="i2">Who sadly haunts the Zoo.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE POET AND THE SONGS.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/173b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173b.png" + alt="The Poet" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I HAD a thought, a dainty thought,</p> + <p class="i2">A quaint and cunning fancy,</p> + <p>I said, "A theme with humour fraught</p> + <p class="i2">Within my grasp I can see.</p> + <p>This thought will work into a set</p> + <p class="i2">Of verses fit for singing."</p> + <p>A voice rasped, "Oh, a deal o' wet!"</p> + <p class="i2">And off that thought went winging.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And once again that thought returned,</p> + <p class="i2">With yet more brightness on it—</p> + <p>This time with the desire I burned</p> + <p class="i2">To weave it in a sonnet.</p> + <p>I'd get an artist chum to do</p> + <p class="i2">The subject in a rare cut.</p> + <p>Alas! before 'twas grasped it flew,</p> + <p class="i2">Alarmed by, "Git yer 'air cut!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I strayed in silent solitude</p> + <p class="i2">That lost thought to recover,</p> + <p>And, as my journey I pursued,</p> + <p class="i2">'Twould still around me hover.</p> + <p>Almost I grasped, one fatal day,</p> + <p class="i2">That fancy, quaint and clever,</p> + <p>A cad shrieked, "Tara-boom-de-ay!"</p> + <p class="i2">And off it flew—for ever!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>SUNDAY OBSERVANCE.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/173c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173c.png" + alt="There's a man that plays and sings..." /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>WHAT a shocking state of things,</p> + <p class="i2">Oh, my goodness, Mrs. GRUNDY!</p> + <p>There's a man that plays and sings</p> + <p class="i2">In a Blackpool hall on Sunday!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, what wickedness, oh, dear!</p> + <p class="i2">Sunday music! What a scandal!</p> + <p>Folks might even go and hear</p> + <p class="i2">Things by HAYDN or by HANDEL!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Rush and find some obsolete</p> + <p class="i2">Act of wise and pious GEORGES,</p> + <p>Which will help us to defeat</p> + <p class="i2">Such abominable orgies!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But here's worse news, I declare;</p> + <p class="i2">Gracious patience, Mrs. GRUNDY!</p> + <p>Eastbourne people cannot bear</p> + <p class="i2">Nice Salvation bands on Sunday!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Acts, not words, again we need,</p> + <p class="i2">Just to show them they are silly.</p> + <p>Sunday Music stopped? Indeed,</p> + <p class="i2">They <i>must</i> like it, willy nilly!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THEATRES AND MUSIC HALLS COMMISSION.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Matinée, by Our Own Reporter.</i>)</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/173d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173d.png" + alt="Jack in the Box." /></a> + </div> + <p>IN reply to Mr. WOODALL, Mr. J.L. TOOLE said he was happy to come + there. <i>Name is JOHN LAWRENCE TOOLE</i>? Yes. "JACK with my + familiars,"—hem!—SHAKSPEARE. Being in Witness-box,—JACK + in the Box. <i>What he would take</i>? Nothing, thanks, not even his + oath. He was quite prepared to kiss the book—in the absence of the + belle. Little joke that—has heard of "bell, book, and candle." + Couldn't bring the candle in,—would if he could, though, just + to—ahem!—make it a light entertainment. Would they excuse his + glove? What did they want to know? <i>Whether the sanitary arrangements + at his Theatre were good</i>? Rather—he could only say they were + "fust-rate." A 1, in fact, like the performance. The house held over two + thousand pounds, and was crowded nightly to see <i>Walker, London. Did he + consider the structure safe</i>? Of course he did—safe as + Houses—that is, safe as his houses for <i>Walker, London</i> were + going to be for the next three years and a half, when his tenancy would + expire, and he should then be in the Army. <i>Did the Committee want to + know how it was that he would be in the Army</i>? He'd tell them; + because, when he gave up that Theatre, he would be a "Left Tenant." Not + bad that, for a beginner. We're a getting on, we are. As to + ventilation—well, he couldn't have too much ventilation for + <i>Walker, London</i>. He should like it aired everywhere. <i>Then the + Committee might take it that he was satisfied with the structure</i>? + Well—if they put it in that way—yes—he thought the + structure a bit faulty—-but what's the odds as long as the public + like the piece? He didn't consider <i>Walker, London</i>, a model of + dramatic construction, but he looked upon the House Boat built on the + stage as quite a model of construction; the end of the piece was a bit + hazy, and he didn't yet know why everybody allowed him to go off with the + punt, which they wouldn't get back, unless his friend, Mr. SHELTON, who + was splendidly made up as a riverside boatman, brought it back, and, + begging the Committee's pardon if they'd excuse his glove, he couldn't + tell; not that it was a secret, because the clever author, a very nice + retiring chap called BARRIE, hadn't confided it to + him,—but—what was he saying?—oh, yes—he couldn't + tell how it was all the characters on board didn't see ELIZA JOHNSON as + <i>Sarah</i> in the punt. But as <i>Walker</i> says, "Oh, that's nothing! + that's nothing!" <i>The Chairman wished to know if there is an egress at + the back of the Theatre?</i> He (Mr. TOOLE) did not remember ever having + seen a negress there. There were two beautiful young ladies—Miss + IRENE VANBRUGH and Miss MARY ANSELL—now playing, and, he might say + it who shouldn't, playing charmingly in <i>Walker, London</i>. <i>The + Chairman didn't mean that</i>. No? But <i>he</i> (Mr. TOOLE) did, and he + might add, though "it was nothing, a mere nothing," that the performance + of his three young men—Mr. C.M. LOWNE, as the sensible lover; Mr. + SEYMOUR HICKS, as the young medical student; and Mr. CECIL RAMSEY, as + "W.G.," a youthful athlete, was admirable. They were all in <i>Walker, + London</i>. In reply to Mr. T.H. BOLTON, who wished to know <i>if the + Witness considered his Theatre a substantial edifice</i>, Mr. TOOLE said + that he certainly did, because, you see, the Theatre would never go to + pieces as long as the pieces went to the Theatre, and as long as it was + supported by the public. <i>Have I any complaint</i>? Nothing to speak + of, except a touch of gout. Oh, beg pardon, you meant <i>complaint as to + the Theatre</i>? Oh, no, except it's not large enough to hold the + millions who can't be crammed in nightly. Has an excellent Acting Manager + in Mr. GEORGE LEE, and as to friend BILLINGTON'S stage-management of the + House Boat (the scene, he might say, was painted by Mr. HARKER, a name + not unknown at the Mansion House), it is the best thing of the sort ever + done. Any evening that Mr. PLUNKET, Mr. WOODALL, or Mr. BOLTON, or any + other of the Honourable Gentlemen would like to look in and see + <i>Walker, London</i>, they have only to send to the Box Office, or any + of the Libraries, and book in advance—he couldn't say fairer than + that—because it was advice that he always gave to "Friend IRVING," + and which he had adopted. No more? Hope he doesn't intrude. Would the + Committee excuse his glove? Yes? Then, remember, <i>Walker, + London</i>.</p> + + <p>Mr. J.L. TOOLE then hurried out. After his departure it was found that + all the spectators had on their backs adhesive labels advertising + <i>Walker, London</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page174" id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/174.png"><img width="100%" src="images/174.png" + alt="A Warning." /></a> + <h3>A WARNING.</h3> + + <p><i>Archie</i> (<i>to his Sister, who has been reading him Fairy + Tales</i>). "WON'T THERE BE A LOT OF <i>US</i>, IF NONE OF US GO AND + GET MARRIED? WORSE THAN <i>HOP O'MY THUMB</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>Sister.</i> "YES; BUT YOU KNOW <i>I</i> MEAN TO BE MARRIED!"</p> + + <p><i>Archie.</i> "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'D GO AND LIVE ALONE WITH A + MAN AFTER READING <i>BLUEBEARD</i>?"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>A WAITING GAME.</h3> + + <p>WARY WILLIAM, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Drat that dog</i>!</p> + <p class="i2">Dogs are mixed,—like men.</p> + <p>Few know how to <i>jog</i>;</p> + <p class="i2">Hasty tongue and pen,</p> + <p>Many a bungler bog,</p> + <p class="i2">Steady! <i>I</i>'ll say when!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lots of dogs I've bred.</p> + <p class="i2">Most want whip, a deal.</p> + <p>This one, be it said,</p> + <p class="i2">Is more hot than leal;</p> + <p>Wants to go ahead,</p> + <p class="i2">Hates to come to heel!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Skies are overcast;</p> + <p class="i2">Slowly comes the spring,</p> + <p>Quarry's tracked—at last,</p> + <p class="i2">Strong, though, on the wing.</p> + <p>Steady! Not so fast!</p> + <p class="i2">Waiting game's the thing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tother WILLIAM'S style</p> + <p class="i2">Rather spoiled this pup.</p> + <p><i>Steady</i>! Wait awhile!</p> + <p class="i2">H-RC-RT's like a Krupp.</p> + <p>I can stroll, and smile—</p> + <p class="i2">Till the birds get up.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Half-bred dogs—well, well,</p> + <p class="i2">Mustn't talk like that!</p> + <p>Else they'll call <i>me</i> "swell."</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Down! What are you at</i>?</p> + <p>Scurry and pell-mell</p> + <p class="i2">Do not 'bell the cat.'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sport is not a mere</p> + <p class="i2">Game of "Spill and pelt"</p> + <p>Patience! End is near.</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Down</i>! Brute wants a welt!</p> + <p>Modern breed runs queer;</p> + <p class="i2">That I long have felt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tother WILLIAM snorts,</p> + <p class="i2">L-BBY only grins;</p> + <p>But at most all sports</p> + <p class="i2">It is <i>judgment</i> wins.</p> + <p>Breed, though, now consorts</p> + <p class="i2">With mongrels—for its sins!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long the sport I've loved,</p> + <p class="i2">Mean to try again,</p> + <p>I should be reproved</p> + <p class="i2">Did I speak too plain:</p> + <p>But—are dogs improved</p> + <p class="i2">By that Irish strain?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Steady, my lad, steady!</p> + <p class="i2">Nearly slipped me then!</p> + <p>You're too hot and heady—</p> + <p class="i2">(Like no end of men!—)</p> + <p><i>Near</i>!—but not <i>quite</i> ready.</p> + <p class="i2">Steady! <i>I</i>'ll say when!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>VESTRYMEN CLIMBING DOWN.—Say the unfortunate Nonconformist + Vestrymen of St. George's, Southwark,—"We won't pay the Rector's + Rate; but we won't go to prison, at any rate."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>PRUDES AND NUDES.</h3> + + <blockquote>[An "Officer of high rank" has written to <i>Truth</i>, + complaining of the naked statues and pictures he saw at Londonderry + House, at a sale on behalf of Irish Home Industries.]</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ATTEND and hear the story of a most uncommon <i>militaire</i>,</p> + <p class="i2">Whom the sight of naked statues caused to tingle to his boots,</p> + <p>Who was seen to beat his breast, and (which was far more flat and silly) tear</p> + <p class="i2">His hair by blushing handfuls from its shocked and modest roots.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was dreadful! There were Duchesses (Heav'n bless their handsome faces!)</p> + <p class="i2">And a host of pretty Countesses, and Maidens by the score,</p> + <p>And they sold some Irish Industries—embroideries and laces—</p> + <p class="i2">And MADGE described to AMY all the pretty frocks they wore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the statues and the paintings didn't seem at all to worry them,</p> + <p class="i2">Having work to do they did it just as quiet as a mouse,</p> + <p>Though this soldier took his daughter and his wife, and tried to hurry them</p> + <p class="i2">In the cause of outraged virtue far from Londonderry House.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So when next he goes where statues are, we'll do our best to hide them,</p> + <p class="i2">Since to prudes all things are prudish, lest his modesty take hurt.</p> + <p>Though some one else, perhaps, may write, and say he can't abide them,</p> + <p class="i2">When Apollo stands in trousers, or when Venus wears a skirt.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>FROM ROBERT.—"Sir, I'm proud of my furrin co-profeshunal LHÉROT, + the himminint Waiter, wot nobbled the bomb-ta-ra (hif I may so igspress + my sentimenx) waggybun, RAVACHOL. This Waiter is wot my french frend + calls a '<i>Tray bong Gassong</i>,' and the wunnerful manner the french + Waiters has of carryin a tray loded with drinkabels is worthy of the + hippythep. He sez orlso has is name, hinsted of LHÉROT, ort to be andid + down to posterittory as 'L'HÉROS'—wich word as rote down by hisself + means 'The Hero.' He got a 1000 Franks, wich is rayther more nor wos ever + got by one BOB."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page175" id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/175.png"><img width="100%" src="images/175.png" + alt="A Waiting Game." /></a> + <h2>A WAITING GAME.</h2> + + THE OLD KEEPER. "GENTLY! GENTLY!—MY BEAUTY! I'LL SAY + '<i>WHEN</i>'!" + </div> +<hr /> + +<!-- Page 176 Blank --> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/177a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/177a.png" + alt="Really Pleasant!" /></a> + <h3>REALLY PLEASANT!</h3> + + SIX MILES FROM HOME, HORSE DEAD LAME, AWFULLY TENDER FEET, AND HORRIBLY + TIGHT BOOTS. + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>MR. PUNCH'S BOAT-RACE NOVEL.</h4> + +<h3>STONYBROKE.</h3> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER I.</p> + + <p>IT was the eve of the University Boat-Race. In the remote East the + gorgeous August sun was sinking to his rest behind the purple clouds, + gilding with his expiring rays the elevated battlements of Aginanwater + Court, the ancestral seat of His Grace the Duke of AVADRYNKE, K.C.B., + G.I.N., whose Norman features might have been observed convulsively + pressed against the plate-glass window of his alabaster dining-hall. + There was in the atmosphere a strange electric hush, scarcely broken by + the myriad voices of hoarse betting-men, raucously roaring out the market + odds of "Fifty to one. Oxbridge!" or "Two ponies to a thick 'un, + Camford!" Well would it have been for the Duke of AVADRYNKE had he never + offered the hospitality of his famous river-side residence to the + Oxbridge Crew. But the Duke had the courage of his ancient boating-race + whose banner waved proudly upon the topmost turret, bearing upon its + crimson folds the proud family motto, "<i>Dum Vivo Bibo</i>."</p> + + <p>And the sun went down, and within Aginanwater Court the sounds of wild + revelry shook the massive beams.</p> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER II.</p> + + <p>THE Oxbridge Crew still sat in the marble supper-room, amid the + <i>débris</i> of the feast that the Duke's Seneschal had laid out for + them. The floor was paved with Magnums and Maximums of the best + Heidanseekerer champagne, most of them as empty as the foolish head of + the Duchess of AVADRYNKE, which was at that moment reposing upon the + brawny chest of Lord PODOPHLIN, the celebrated No. 5 of the Oxbridge + Crew. On a raised dais at the end of the room the ladies of the Tarara + <i>corps de ballet</i> were performing the final steps of the Sinuous + Shadow-dance, specially dedicated to the Oxbridge Crew by the <i>chef + d'orchestre</i> of Tarara's Halls.</p> + + <p>"May I be jiggered," observed the Oxbridge President, Sir WELFORARD + LONGSTROKE, as he selected his fourth regalia from the Duke's + pearl-encrusted box, and lit it with all the <i>abandon</i> of a Society + darling, "may I be jiggered if this is not ripping! What say you?" he + continued, addressing young PULYER WRIGHT, the Coxswain, and tossing him + playfully four times to the raftered ceiling—"shall we not beat the + dastard foe from Camford to-morrow?" A roar of applause sprang from the + smoking mouths of his seven companions.</p> + + <p>But at this moment the Duchess of AVADRYNKE and Lord PODOPHLIN rose + unobserved and quitted the room. In another minute the sound of hurrying + wheels, gradually growing fainter in the distance, was heard by no one in + the avenue. And the dance went on, and revelry rose to its maddest pitch. + But no one, who, as has been recorded above, had heard the sound of the + wheels, gave a thought to the Duke of AVADRYNKE, as he sat tearing his + hair in the violet bedroom, having learnt from the faithful Seneschal the + terrible news of the Duchess's elopement with the heir to the house of + PODOPHLIN.</p> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER III.</p> + + <p>THE morn of the race dawned clear and sparkling. Far as the eye could + reach, the banks of the river were rich with Millions, and firm enough to + bear any run upon them however heavy. But Sir WELFORARD LONGSTROKE was + ill at ease. His No. 5 had fled leaving no trace, and he had no one to + fill the vacancy. He looked the very model of an aquatic hero. His broad + chest was loosely clad in a pair of blue satin shorts, and his fair hair + fell in waving masses over his muscular back. His thoughts were bitter. + The Camford crew had started on the race some ten minutes ago, and the + Oxbridge craft still waited idly in the docks for want of a No. 5.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/177b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/177b.png" + alt="Touching Finale." /></a> + Touching Finale. + </div> + + <p>"Surely," Sir WELFORARD thought to himself, "PODOPHLIN might have + postponed the elopement for one day." A confused noise interrupted his + meditations. Some ten yards from him a man roughly clad, but with the + immense muscular development of the Arri Furnese Apollo, was engaged in + fighting three bargees at once. As Sir WELFORARD stepped forward, this + individual struck a terrible blow. His ponderous fist, urged by the force + of a thirty-inch biceps, crashed through the chest of his first foe, + severed the head of the second from his body, and struck the third, a + tall man, full in the midriff, propelling him through the air into the + middle of the river. "That's enough for one day," he said, as with an air + of haughty melancholy he removed his clay-pipe from his mouth. His face + seemed familiar to Sir WELFORARD. Who could he be? All doubt was removed + when he advanced, grasped Sir WELFORARD by the hand, and, in tones broken + with emotion, said, "Don't you recognise me? I am your old College chum, + Viscount STONYBROKE."</p> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER IV.</p> + + <p>"SAVED! Saved!" shouted Sir WELFORARD, joyously—"there is yet + time!" Then, rushing into rhyme, he asked, "Will you row in the race, In + PODOPHLIN'S place?"</p> + + <p>"Will I row in the race?" repeated Lord STONYBROKE—"just won't + I!" And, without removing his hobnails, or his corduroys, he sprang + lightly into the Oxbridge racing-boat. The rest is soon told. In less + time than it takes to narrate the story, the Camford lead was wiped out. + The exertion proved too much for seven men in the Oxbridge Crew, but the + gigantic strength of the eighth, Lord STONYBROKE, was sufficient of + itself to win the race by fifty lengths. And that night, when the Prime + Minister handed to him the reward of victory in the shape of a massive + gold dessert service, he was also able to announce that the STONYBROKE + estates and the STONYBROKE title had been, by the Monarch's command, + restored to their original possessor, as a reward of conspicuous valour + and strength. + [THE END.]</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" src="images/178.png" + alt="The House of Commons Wax-works." /></a> + <h3>THE HOUSE OF COMMONS WAX-WORKS. THE CHIEF GROUPS.</h3> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + +<h3>Walt Whitman.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The good grey Poet" gone! Brave, hopeful WALT!</p> + <p>He might not be a singer without fault,</p> + <p>And his large rough-hewn rhythm did not chime</p> + <p>With dulcet daintiness of time and rhyme.</p> + <p>He was no neater than wide Nature's wild,</p> + <p>More metrical than sea-winds. Culture's child,</p> + <p>Lapped in luxurious laws of line and lilt,</p> + <p>Shrank from him shuddering, who was roughly built</p> + <p>As cyclopean temples. Yet there rang</p> + <p>True music through his rhapsodies, as he sang</p> + <p>Of brotherhood, and freedom, love and hope,</p> + <p>With strong wide sympathy which dared to cope</p> + <p>With all life's phases, and call nought unclean.</p> + <p>Whilst hearts are generous, and whilst woods are green,</p> + <p>He shall find hearers, who, in a slack time</p> + <p>Of puny bards and pessimistic rhyme,</p> + <p>Dared to bid men adventure and rejoice.</p> + <p>His "yawp barbaric" was a human voice;</p> + <p>The singer was a man. America</p> + <p>Is poorer by a stalwart soul to-day,</p> + <p>And may feel pride that she hath given birth</p> + <p>To this stout laureate of old Mother Earth.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>OUR CRICKETERS.—The English Cricketing Team came to the end of + their Australian tour last week, where, under the leadership of Lord + SHEFFIELD, out of twenty-six matches they won thirteen, lost two, and + eleven were drawn. The Eleven of course were drawn over and over again, + <i>i.e.</i>, photographed. It will henceforth be a recommendation for any + Cricketer to say he was out under this distinguished captaincy, as to + this introduction the host will rejoin, "Ah, I know that man, he comes + from SHEFFIELD." Not only were the English team successful playfully, but + also artistically, as in every match they played with GRACE.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>BRAWLING AT HOME AND ABROAD.—On the same day in the papers + appeared accounts of brawling in a Church in Paris, where a free fight + ensued and no police interfered, and of a row in a Church in London Road, + when the police walked off with an anti-curate and put an end to the + disturbance. Some things we <i>do</i> manage better in England.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>COCKNEY CLASSICS.—Of the Guildhall Loan Collection, Mr. Deputy + HORA is the Chairman. As a Deputy must be a representative + officer—except, perhaps, in the case of a "Depitty Sawbones," + <i>vide Sam Weller</i>—the temporary motto of the Deputy's Ward + might well be, "<i>Hora pro nobis</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/179a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179a.png" + alt="A new comet." /></a> + <h3>A NEW COMET.</h3> + + <p>["Mr. DENNING, whose name is well known as a comet-finder, + discovered a <i>small</i> FAINT <i>Comet</i> on Friday, March 18, at + Bishopton, Bristol."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/179b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179b.png" + alt="Hasty!" /></a> + <h3>HASTY!</h3> + + <p><i>Mary.</i> "IF MISSUS DON'T WITHDRAW WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME, I + SHALL LEAVE THE HOUSE!"</p> + + <p><i>Thomas.</i> "WHAT DID SHE SAY?"</p> + + <p><i>Mary.</i> "SHE SAID, 'I GIVE YOU A MONTH'S NOTICE!'"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + +<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/179c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179c.png" + alt="Seymour-Keay." /></a> + Seymour-Keay. + </div> + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday. March 28.</i>—Strange sight + witnessed in House to-night. Subject of Debate, Indian Council Bill; + Benches nearly full. Pup and dog, I've known the House for nineteen + years, and never before saw the like. Explanation not found in fact of + CURZON making his maiden speech as Minister in charge of Bill, though + that had some influence at outset. Able speech it proved, our newest + Minister having the great gift of lucidity. It was later than that when + House filled, nearly two hours later, for in meantime SCHWANN had + delivered Address as long as the Ganges, and MACLEAN (who was waiting his + turn to speak) says, nearly as muddy.</p> + + <p>Curious how India seems to affect eminent orators, making them for the + time pointless, dull, and above all, verbose. Probably no subject other + than India could unite such galaxy of born orators and debaters. SWIFT + MACNEILL, RICHARD TEMPLE, SAMUEL SMITH, OCTAVIUS MORGAN, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL + PICTON and SEYMOUR-KEAY—one followed the other as in a necklet of + diamonds gem succeeds gem, till the wearied eyesight can scarce decide + which is the more brilliant. SEYMOUR-KEAY was, indeed, too much for the + SPEAKER, who thrice called him to order, the last time with stern voice + and threatening brow that made SEYMOUR tremble from the altitude of his + boot-heels.</p> + + <p>It was none of these who filled the House with Members listening + intently to a speech on internal affairs of India, It was Mr. G. who + performed the miracle. No one expected to find him in this galley; being + there, the banks were rapidly crowded with a throng lost in admiration of + his strong, swift, graceful stroke. Difficult to say which the most + admirable, the lofty height, far above the littleness of Party conflict, + from which he surveyed the topic, the charm of his language or the + dexterity with which, without seeming to rebuke the follower who had + moved the Amendment and the eminent men who were prepared to support it, + he sustained the <span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" + id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> Ministry in their effort to reconstruct + the Indian Councils, and suggested that the Amendment should with all + haste be put into the fire. Whilst SCHWANN appropriated an hour of the + Sitting, and SEYMOUR-KEAY exceeded that time, twenty-five minutes served + Mr. G. for a speech delivered without note, apparently without + preparation, and which left nothing more to be said.</p> + + <p>"Upon my word, Sir," I said, a little out of breath trying to keep + pace with him running up the Duke of YORK'S steps going home to dinner, + "you grow younger every year, and, if I may say so, mellower."</p> + + <p>"You certainly may say so, TOBY, if you like," he smilingly replied, + "but the calendar says otherwise."</p> + + <p>"What," I asked—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What has the calendar to do</p> + <p class="i2">With Mr. G.? What Time's fruitless tooth</p> + <p>With gay immortals such as you,</p> + <p class="i2">Whose years but emphasise your youth?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Ah, I know that—with a slight difference. LOWELL wrote it to + WENDEL HOLMES on his seventy-fifth birthday. I knew HOLMES too; he used + to crow over me because he was just four months older, and yet, as he + said, whilst I pleaded age as a reason why I could not visit the United + States, he crossed the Atlantic at seventy-seven. Perhaps when I've got + this Home-Rule question off my hands, I may find time to go to the United + States."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "you'll be another year younger then, and more at + leisure."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Indian Council Bill read Second Time.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/180a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180a.png" + alt="R. Cuninghame Graham." /></a> + R. Cuninghame Graham. + </div> + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Some sensation created at Morning Sitting by + discovery of CUNINGHAME GRAHAM addressing House from Conservative + Benches. There was a well-known Member of the Parliament of 1874 who hit + upon new device for, as he reckoned, doubling his chance of catching + SPEAKER'S eye. Noted that SPEAKER called alternately upon Members from + either side. If debate were opened from Opposition Benches, SPEAKER would + next turn to other side of House, and call on Ministerialist. Happy + thought occurred to our old friend. After rising several times from his + seat below Gangway on Opposition Benches, and been passed over by SPEAKER + in favour of another, he, whilst Member was speaking, crossed floor of + House, and, when speech concluded, jumped up from other side. Being again + ignored by the startled SPEAKER, went back to own place again to try his + chances there. Don't remember that the manœuvre was a success. + Certainly not been generally adopted.</p> + + <p>GRAHAM seems now to have recurred to it; or can it be the case that + he, too, has joined "the Gentlemen of England"? House so agitated by this + problem, that it quite loses thread of debate; a thrilling discussion, to + which FERGUSSON contributed a luminous speech, upon the Telephone.</p> + + <p>WILFRID LAWSON much interested in new development of affairs.</p> + + <p>"The Government," he says, "if only with the instincts of + self-preservation, should hasten the Dissolution. If they go on a little + longer, no saying what they may come to, with JOE as their principal + champion in town and country, with JOHN REDMOND as their favourite + orator; led into the Lobby the other day by BURT against the Eight Hours + Bill, they only want to recruit CUNINGHAME GRAHAM to their ranks to make + the medley complete. If they go on another three months, we shall see + them some Sunday following CUNINGHAME GRAHAM'S red flag as he leads them + to Trafalgar Square, there to be addressed by Alderman JOHN BURNS."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Got into Committee on Civil Service + Estimates.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/180b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180b.png" + alt="Crude and wasteful." /></a> + "Crude and wasteful." + </div> + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Scotch Members made a night of it. Great muster + of the Clans. Government have £265,000 to make over to Scotland in relief + of Local Taxation and promotion of Education. Scotch Members don't object + to the money, but take exception to its plan of distribution. Member + after Member rises from Opposition Benches, biting at hand that proffers + the boon. "Crude and wasteful," BUCHANAN calls this scheme, and Scotch + Members lustily cheer.</p> + + <p>A capital debate of its kind, but not picturesque; Benches empty, only + the LORD-ADVOCATE on the Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p>"I'll tell you how you can manage these fellows, my dear CASABLANCA," + said JEMMY LOWTHER, crossing the Gangway, and seating himself for a + moment by the solitary Minister.</p> + + <p>"Beg your pardon, my name is PEARSON."</p> + + <p>"Of course," said JEMMY, "I know very well; only a quotation; thinking + of the Boy who stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, + doncha. Was going to tell you how you can get out of this trouble. + Fellows opposite righteously indignant at your proposed disposition of + money. Very well; you get up, say you're sorry to have offended; had no + idea you'd made such a mistake; only atonement you can offer is to + withdraw the proposed grant altogether. Then you'll see how they'll sit + up."</p> + + <p>"Excellent idea," said LORD-ADVOCATE. "Shall mention it to GOSCHEN + when he comes back—if he ever does," he added with weary voice, + looking down the deserted Bench. Scotch Members, all unconscious of JEMMY + LOWTHER'S machination, went on talking till midnight, when debate stood + adjourned.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—None.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—In Committee of Supply; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE + thinks opportunity favourable for Prince ARTHUR to tell all he knows + about Dissolution. Prince ARTHUR quite agreeable, but really knows + nothing. Radicals look angry at being thus put off; show signs of + intention to discuss the matter. Mr. G. interposes; makes one of his + bland speeches; wouldn't press question now (a suggestion that pleases + Ministers); by-and-by time will come, then we shall see; whereat SAGE and + his friends brighten up; Mr. G. sits down having pleased everybody; storm + blown off.</p> + + <p>Curious to note the altered condition in atmosphere of House since Mr. + G. came back. Turmoil stopped; restlessness soothed; Ministerial work + goes on smoothly, whilst the GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR looks on + benevolently.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said PRINCE ARTHUR, uneasily, "this is all very well. He holds + back the curs that would snap at our heels; but it's only because he, a + wilier tactician, knows that no practical advantage is to be gained from + that kind of sport. Wait till he thinks the hour has struck, and you'll + see he'll not only let slip the dogs of war, but lead the rush + himself."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee of Supply.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>REMBRANDT, TITIEN, VÉLASQUEZ, ET CIE.<br /> +WHISTLER, SUCCESSEUR.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/180c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180c.png" + alt="Monsieur Vistlaire" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, what a catalogue! Whatever made you think</p> + <p class="i2">Numbers should mix in a way never seen?</p> + <p>3, that's a flood of milk, 20, a flood of ink,</p> + <p class="i2">Touching a gruel-like sea, that's 15.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next time, to make a delightful variety,</p> + <p class="i2">Hang upside down all the works in your show,</p> + <p>Whilst, on their heads, the <i>élite</i> of Society,</p> + <p class="i2">Gasp, "<i>Fin de Siècle</i>, quite <i>chic</i>, don't you know!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why play such pranks to draw people who scoff? It is</p> + <p class="i2">They to whose critical words you are deaf.</p> + <p>Though in your country you are not a prophet, is</p> + <p class="i2">This how you make one, that's spelt with an F?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Strange that the only kind critic you mention</p> + <p class="i2">Is French. He compares you with REMBRANDT & CO.;</p> + <p>His words seem the sole ones that claim your attention:</p> + <p class="i2">We'll end in his tongue, like the list of your show.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cher Monsieur</i> VISTLAIRE, <i>allez chez la nation</i></p> + <p class="i2"><i>Voisine, et emportez ces œuvres</i> "<i>splendides</i>,"</p> + <p>"<i>Destinées à l'éternité des admirations</i>,"</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Ainsi que dit ce critique candide</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figleft" style="margin-bottom:8em"> <img src="images/pointer.png" alt="pointer" /> </div> + <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</b></p><br clear="all" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14592 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14592-h/images/169.png b/14592-h/images/169.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d100e38 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/169.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/170.png b/14592-h/images/170.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6ddc416 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/170.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/171.png b/14592-h/images/171.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f3eb14 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/171.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/172a.png b/14592-h/images/172a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..29cde87 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/172a.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/172b.png b/14592-h/images/172b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5daff9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/172b.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/173a.png b/14592-h/images/173a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5af40a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/173a.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/173b.png b/14592-h/images/173b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1415ff1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/173b.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/173c.png b/14592-h/images/173c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9de9b8e --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/173c.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/173d.png b/14592-h/images/173d.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..23208dd --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/173d.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/174.png b/14592-h/images/174.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eea702f --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/174.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/175.png b/14592-h/images/175.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1d21d14 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/175.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/177a.png b/14592-h/images/177a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6d66e63 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/177a.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/177b.png b/14592-h/images/177b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..60af1dc --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/177b.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/178.png b/14592-h/images/178.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a137698 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/178.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/179a.png b/14592-h/images/179a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4f4ba0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/179a.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/179b.png b/14592-h/images/179b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c52183 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/179b.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/179c.png b/14592-h/images/179c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..699e0b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/179c.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/180a.png b/14592-h/images/180a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..348db0e --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/180a.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/180b.png b/14592-h/images/180b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e8e22b --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/180b.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/180c.png b/14592-h/images/180c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a8a5637 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/180c.png diff --git a/14592-h/images/pointer.png b/14592-h/images/pointer.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a7b795 --- /dev/null +++ b/14592-h/images/pointer.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5278f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14592 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14592) diff --git a/old/14592-8.txt b/old/14592-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f54fe5f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14592-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1585 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +April 9th, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 9th, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 4, 2005 [EBook #14592] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +April 9th, 1892. + + + + +BOAT-RACE DAY. + + _The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith Bridge, + and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sightseers towards + Mortlake. The banks are already occupied--although it still wants half + an hour to the time fixed for the start--by a triple row of the more + patient and prudent spectators. On the left of the path, various more + or less_ Shady Characters _have established their "pitches," and are + doing their best to beguile the unsophisticated._ + +_First Shady Character_ (_presiding over a particoloured roulette board +with a revolving and not unmanageable index_). Three to one any colour you +like! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a layin'.... Pop it on, +you sportsmen! (_Two_ Sportsmen--_a couple of shop-boys_--"_pop it on_," +_in coppers_.) Yaller was your colour--and it _is_ a yaller cap, sure +enough! _I_'m a payin' this time. Try it again! (_They do._) Blue's your +fancy this turn, my lord. And green it _is_! Good ole Hireland for ever! +Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yer +luck--'ave another go. _Red_ did you put your coppers on? And it's _yaller_ +again--and _you _ lose! (_The_ Sportsmen _pass on--with empty pockets_.) +Fairest game _in_ the world! + +_Second S.C._ (_who has been conducting a Confidence Auction from a barrow +and egg-box_). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if you ain't +--(_candidly_)--it don't make no bloomin' difference to me, for I'm +orf--these premises is comin' down fur alterations. [_He gets off the +barrow, shoulders the egg-box, and departs in search of fresh dupes._ + +_A Vendor._ Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and amusement, jest +you stop and invest a penny in this little article I am now about to +introdooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient in the 'ole art +and practice of Photography in the small space of five seconds and a +arf--and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't possible to become an +expert photographer at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. 'Ere I +'old in my 'and a simple little machine, consistin' of a small sheet of +glorss in a gilt frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd-and-forty-one +times, never been bit by a mad dog in my life, and all these articles have +been thoroughly fumigated before leaving the factory, therefore you'll +agree with me you needn't be afraid o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell +me it's nearly died out now--and no wonder, with everythink a cure for +it--but this article is a _certain_ remedy. All you've got to do is to bite +off a corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at the +time, chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, call +for a pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this way--the +minoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the microbe, +preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you to +suffocate 'im with the four ale. (_To the Reader._) Will you allow me to +show you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? kindly 'old it +in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the plate for the space +of a few seconds. (_All of which the Reader, being the soul of courtesy, +obligingly does--and is immediately rewarded by observing the outline of a +donkey's head produced upon the glass._) Now if you'll 'and that round, +Sir, to allow the company to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness-- + [_But here the Reader will probably prefer to pass on._ + +_Third S.C._ (_who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half covered with +a rug, and yelling_). Ow-ow-ow-ow!... Come an' see the wonderful little +popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, walk round, shake +'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where he was keptured! + + [_Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which--as soon + as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing--reveals itself as an + illicit lottery. Speculators purchase numbered tickets freely; balls + are shaken up in the tin box--and the popsy-wopsy invariably gets + distinctly the best of it._ + +[Illustration: "I'm ole Billy Fairplay, _I_ am!"] + +_Fourth S.C._ (_an extremely disreputable-looking old gentleman, with a +cunningly curled piece of tape on a board_), 'Ere, I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, +_I_ am! Come an' try yer fortins at little 'Ide an' Find! Arf a crown yer +don't prick the middle o' this bit o' tape. Bet arf a crown, to win five +shillin's! (_A school-boy sees his way to doubling his last tip, and +speculates._) Wrong agin, my boy! It's old BILLY FAIRPLAY'S luck--for +_once_ in a way! [_The School-boy departs, saddened by this +most unexpected result._ + +_Fifth S.C._ (_a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who is trying +desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too familiar +purse-trick_). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellin' yer all, fair _an_' +frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I _can_; but, if you kin ketch me on my +_merits_, why, _I_ shan't grumble--I'll promise yer that much! Well, +now--(_to a stolid and respectable young Clerk_)--jest to show you don't +know _me_, and I don't know _you_--(_he throws three half-crowns into the +purse_). There, 'old _that_ for me. Shut it. (_The Clerk does so, +grinning._) Thank you--you're a gentleman, though you mayn't look like +it--but perhaps you're one in disguise. _Now_ gimme 'arf a crown for it. +Yer won't? _Any_ one gimme arf a crown for it? Why--(_unprintable +language_)--if ever I see sech a blanky lot o' mugs in _my_ life! 'Ere, +I'll try yer once more! (_He does._) _Now_ oo'll gimme arf a crown for it? +(_To a Genteel Onlooker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible +comment_) "See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter, with a glazier's shop where +yer eye orter be! Well, if anyone had 'a told me I should stand 'ere, on +Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob for arf a crown, and no one with the +ordinary pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my word, I'd have +suspected that man of tellin' me a untruth! (_To a simple-looking +spectator._) Will _you_ 'old this purse for me? Yer will? Well. I like the +manly way yer speak up! (_Here the_ Gent. Onl., _observing a seedy man +slinking about outside, warns the company to "mind their pockets"--which +excites the_ Purse-seller's _just indignation_.) "Ere!--(_to the_ G.O.) you +take _your_ 'ook! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave. You're a bloomin' sight +too officious, _you_ are! Not much in _your_ pockets to mind--'cept the key +o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I'll lay! If you carn't beyave as a +Gentleman _among _ Gentlemen, go 'ome to where you 'ad your 'air cut +last--to Pentonville! (_The_ G.O. _retires._) There, we shall get along +better without '_im_. 'Ow long are you goin' to keep me 'ere? Upon my word +an' honour, it's enough to sicken a man to see what the world's come to! +Where's yer courage? Where's yer own common sense? Where's your faith in +'umin nature? What do yer _expect_? (_Scathingly._) Want me to wrop it up +in a porcel, and send it 'ome for yer? Is _that_ what yer waitin' for! +Dammy, if this goes on, I shall git wild, and take and give the bloomin' +purse a bath! (_The_ Simple Spectator _feels in his pockets--evidently for +a half-crown_.) 'Ere, _you_ look more intelligent than the rest--I'll try +yer jest this once. Jest to show yer don't know me, and--(_Shouts of +"They're off! They're coming!" from the bank; the_ Purse-seller's _audience +suddenly melts away, leaving him alone with the_ Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere, JIM, +we may as well turn it up. 'Ere come them blanky boats! + +_A Juvenile Plunger_ (_with rather a complicated book on the event_). If +Oxford wins, I've got ter git a penny out of 'im, and if Kimebridge wins, +you've got ter git a penny outer _me_! + +_Crowd_ (_as the Crews flash by_). Go it, Oxford! Ox--ford! No, Kimebridge! +Well rowed, Kimebridge!... Oxford wins! No, it don't. _I'll_ lay it don't! +Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was Oxford? The inside one. No, it worn't-- +they was _outside_. Well, Oxford was _leadin_', anyway!... There, _that's_ +all over till next year! Not much to come out for, either--on'y just see +'em for a second or so. Oh, _I_ come out for the lark of it, _I_ do.... +There goes the pidgins orf.... We shan't be long knowin' now.... 'Ere's the +Press Boat comin' back.... There, wot did I _tell_ yer, now? Well, they +didn't orter ha' won. that's all--the others was the best crew.... 'Ere +they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see? Seem friendly enough, too, +considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor, they wouldn't bear no +malice now it's over! + + [_Crowd disperse, and patronise_ "_Popsy Wopsy_," _the Roulette_, _Ole + Billy Fairplay_, _&c._, _&c._, _with renewed zest._ + + * * * * * + +Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much +delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last +understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus." + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM THE WHALER, AND HIS GREAT LONE WHALING EXPEDITION. + +MODERN IMPERIAL GERMAN VERSION. (BY BIZZY THE PILOT.) + +["The arrangements for the German Emperor's Whale-hunting excursion have +been made."--_The Times._] + +[Illustration] + + 'Twas arter he'd got rid o' Me, + Brave boys. + When Will-I-AM he did sa-a-a-ail, + In a bit of a boat + Which would scarcely float, + And he went for to catch a Whale, + Brave boys! + All alone for to catch a Whale. + + His Sire and his Grandsire trusted Me, + Brave boys! + Who was never known for to fa-a-a-il; + But _he_ thought he knew + More than Cap'en _and_ crew, + In the matter o' catching a Whale, + Brave boys! + In the matter o' catching a Whale. + + He'd inwented a new harpoon, + Brave boys + As was shaped on a whoppingish sca-a-a-le + And he thought with delight, + (The "magnanimous" mite!) + He was _going_ to catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He made cocksure o' catching that Whale! + + There were several Whales about, + Brave boys! + Here and there a twitching a ta-a-a-il; + And he thinks, thinks he, + "I will catch all three, + But pertikler that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most pertikler that big black Whale." + + + Enraptured with his bit of a boat, + Brave boys! + He set forth to sea in a g-a-a-a-le; + Which was altogether + The wrong sort o'weather + For a novice to capture a Whale, + Brave boys! + A mere nipper for to capture a Whale. + + + I gives him the best of adwice, + Brave boys! + For I knowed he was bound for to fa-a-a-il; + But he ups, and he offs, + And he snubs me, and he scoffs + At the notion of a-missing that Whale, + Brave boys! + The mere notion of _not_ catching that Whale. + + And he bobbles about on the waves, + Brave boys! + And his stout heart doth not qua-a-a-ail; + He's a foolish little chuck, + But he's got a lot o' pluck, + Still, he will not catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He ain't going for to catch that Whale. + + There was three whopping Whales in the offing, + Brave boys! + And them he did loudly h-a-a-ail; + But to such a voice as his'n + They worn't a-going to listen, + Especially that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most especially that big black Whale. + + He crept up with his big harpoon, + Brave boys! + That monster to impa-a-a-ale, + And stubbornly he kep' on + A hurling of his weapon, + Till he managed to hit that Whale, + Brave boys! + He managed to prick that Whale. + + Then he thought he'd done a mighty clever thing, + Brave boys! + But the Whale gave a fhwisk! with his ta-a-a-ail, + And then vanished from his view, + _With the harpoon wot he threw_, + And WILL-I-AM nearly followed that Whale, + Brave boys! + Wos werry near to _following_ that Whale: + + Then WILL-I-AM the Whaler looked dumfoozled, + Brave boys! + And _I_ sings out--a being within ha-a-a-il-- + "I told you, noble Cap'en, + Exactly wot would happen!" + So--he didn't catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + _No--he never caught that Whale!_ + + * * * * * + +"NAMES AND THEIR MEANING."--_À propos_ of some correspondence in the +_Morning Post_ under the above heading, we would ask, Why not make the +Second Chief Commissioner for the Behring Straits Difficulty, Mr. SEALE +HAYNE, M.P., with Lord SAY AND SELE to speak on the subject, and then sign +the official documents? + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has heard much lately about the "Sandringham Stud" and the "St. +Andrews Links," both of which, she understands, are very large. She can't +make out how gentlemen prefer them to nice, neat little shirt-buttons! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROTHER PASTELLIST. + +[Messrs. GOUPIL admit Artists and Students free to Mr. WHISTLER'S +Exhibition.] + +_Gatekeeper (stopping squalid Stranger)._ "NOW THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" + +_S.S._ "COME TO SEE JIMMY'S SHOW." _Gatekeeper._ "ONE SHILLING, +PLEASE!" + +_S.S._ "NOT ME! I'M A ARTIST--CORNER O' BAKER STREET--CHALKS. LE'MME +THROUGH!" [_Chucked!_] + + * * * * * + +"Signs" of the Times. + + ["He was brought up to speak in the ante-stumping era."--_Lord Rosebery + on Lord Granville._"] + + You do well, my dear Lord, to spread GRANVILLE'S renown. + Knightly, loyal, and courteous to monarch or clown, + He had pluck, and swift speech, though no mere Party Pump. + To our late platform level he hardly worked down; + But the popular sign of _his_ day was "The Crown," + Of _ours_ 'tis "The Magpie and Stump." + + * * * * * + + A PROPHECY AS TO THE U.B.R. + + When the Eights are reaching Chiswick, + One will give the other physic. + + * * * * * + +TWO DROMIOS.--One day last week at Highgate, a certain or uncertain WILLIAM +PEA, horsedealer, was summoned by the Police for furious driving. The +Police knew him well by sight, but not well enough, as he clearly proved +what _Mr. Weller Senior_ called "a alleybi." Evidently Mr. PEA has a +double, and "as like as two Peas" is peculiarly applicable in this case. +For if the other one isn't a Pea, he has been taken for one by the +Pee-lers. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF POLITENESS.--Except in the case of a man's father having been +"a big gun" at any time, to call anyone "a Son of a Gun," has hitherto been +considered a gross insult. Is it equally insulting to speak of a Lady as "a +Daughter of a Canon?" + + * * * * * + +AN EMPTY TRIUMPH. + +(_A Story of Show Sunday._) + +It was Show Sunday; lovers of Art were streaming in and out of every Studio +they could hunt up, fired with a laudable ambition to break the record by +the number they visited in the hours between luncheon and dusk. + +[Illustration] + +The residence of so rising a painter as TINTORETTO TICKLER was naturally a +place in which no person of any self-respect would neglect to be seen; and +on this particular afternoon the entrance-hall, sitting-rooms, and studio +were simply choked with an eager throng of friends, acquaintances, and +utter strangers; for TINTORETTO'S lavish hospitality was well known, and no +expense had been spared to give his guests as favourable an impression of +his talent as possible. A couple of knights, clad in complete steel--the +local greengrocer and an Italian model--took the guests' hats, and +announced their names; there were daffodils and azaleas in profusion; the +Red Roumanians performed national airs in the studio-gallery; Italian +mandolinists sang and strummed on the staircase, and, in the dining-room, +trim maid-servants, in becoming white caps and streamers, dispensed coffee, +claret-cup, and ices to a swarm of well-conducted social locusts. + +Just outside his painting-room stood TINTORETTO TICKLER, at the receipt of +compliment, which was abundantly and cheerfully paid. Indeed, the torrent +of congratulation and delicately-expressed eulogy was almost overwhelming. +One lovely and enthusiastic person told him that the sight of his "_Dryad +Disturbing a Beanfeast_" had just marked an epoch in her mental +development, and that she considered it quite the supreme achievement of +the Art of the Century. A ponderous man in spectacles, whom TICKLER had no +recollection of having ever met before in his life, encouraged him by his +solemn assurance that his "_Jews Sitting in a Dentist's Waiting-room, in +the reign of King John_," was perfectly marvellous in its realism and +historical accuracy, and that it ought to become the property of the +Nation; while an elderly lady, in furs and a crimped front, declared that +the pathos of his nursery subject--a child endeavouring to induce a +mechanical rabbit to share its bread-and-milk--was sending her home with +tears in her eyes. Some talked learnedly of his "values," his "atmosphere," +and the subtlety of his modelling; all agreed that he had surpassed himself +and every living artist by his last year's work, and no one made any +mistake about the nature of his subjects, perhaps because--in consideration +for the necessities of the British Art-patron--they had been fully +announced and described in the artistic notes of several Sunday papers. + +When they got outside, it is true, their enthusiasm slightly evaporated; +TICKLER was going off, he was repeating himself, he had nothing that was +likely to produce a sensation this year, and most of his pictures would +probably never be seen again. + +As, however, these last remarks were not made in TINTORETTO'S presence, it +might have been thought that the unmistakable evidences of his success +which he did hear would have rendered him a proud and happy painter,--but +if he was, all that can be said was that he certainly did not look it. He +accepted the most effusive tributes with the same ghastly and conventional +smile; from feminine glances of unutterable gratitude and admiration he +turned away with an inarticulate mumble and an averted eye; at times he +almost seemed to be suppressing a squirm. If expression is any index to the +thoughts, he was neither grateful nor gratified, and distinctly +uncomfortable. + +A painter-friend of his, who had been patiently watching his opportunity to +get a word with him as he stood there exchanging handshakes, managed at +last to get near enough for conversation. "Very glad to find there's no +truth in it!" he began, cordially. "No truth in _what_!" said TICKLER, a +little snappishly, for he was getting extremely fractious, "the +compliments"? + +"No, no, my dear boy. I mean in what a fellow told me outside just +now--that some burglars broke into your studio last night, and carried off +all your canvasses--a lie, of course!" + +"Oh, _that_?" said TICKLER, "that's true enough--they left nothing behind +'em but the beastly frames!" + +"Then what on earth----?" began the other, in perplexity, for another group +was just coming up, beaming with an ecstasy that demanded the relief of +instant expression. + +"Well--er--fact is," explained poor TICKLER, in an undertone, "I _did_ +think of shutting the studio up and getting away somewhere--but my wife +wouldn't hear of it, you know; said it would be such a pity to have had all +the expense and trouble for nothing, and didn't believe the mere absence of +pictures would make any particular difference. And--er--I'm bound to say +that, as you can see for yourself, it _hasn't_!" + +And even as he spoke, he had to resign himself once more to a farewell +burst of positively fulsome appreciation. + + * * * * * + +THE KING AND THE CLOWN. + +[Illustration: PAYNFUL PROCEEDINGS; OR, AFTER THE PANTOMIME'S OVER. + +[See _Times_ Report, Friday last, April 1st, "All Fools' Day."]] + +KING HERBERT CAMPBELL THE FIRST, and HARRY PAYNE, the Clown, were sitting +together, quaffing, after hours, and when work was done, just as in the +good old times was the wont of _The King and the Cobbler_, or _The King and +the Miller_. To them entered a Constable, intent on duty, and no respecter +of persons. Often had he seen the Clown maltreat a policeman on the stage, +nay, had seen him unstuff him, cut his head off and blow him limb from limb +from a gun, and then put him together again; the only mistake being that +the unfortunate official's head was turned the wrong way. So this +Constable, too, looking backwards, as had done the poor pantomimic +policeman, remembered all the slights, insults, and injuries, publicly +inflicted on his cloth for many years, and now rejoiced--Ha! ha!--at last +at having the Clown, the original JOEY, nay, the last of the JOEYS, in his +grasp. + +Poor KING HERBERT the Merry Monarch the Constable pitied, but still +"constabulary duty must be done," as he had heard sung; and remembering +that my Lord Chief Justice, in days gone by, had sent off the Heir Apparent +to prison, so now he the Constable, in the name of the Law, would hale KING +HERBERT before the Magistrate. So King and Clown were had up accordingly. +Did the Clown whimper, and cry, "Oh, please, Sir, it wasn't me, Sir; it was +t'other boy, Sir!" and did the good King prepare to meet his fate like a +man? and was he ready to put his head cheerfully on the wig-block and +declare with his latest breath (up to 12.55 P.M.) that in his closing hours +he died for the benefit of the Public? We know not--except that both +delinquents were let off--like squibs--and Mine Host, the Boniface, had to +pay all the fines. He at all events had a Fine old time of it! _Sic +transit_! So fitly ends the long run of a good Pantomime. _Finis coronat +opus_! + + * * * * * + +The Volunteer Review at Dover. + +_General Idea of Officers in Command._--To make as few mistakes as possible +in handling some thousands of imperfectly-drilled and entirely +undisciplined bodies of men. + +_The same of the Rank and File._--To spend an annual holiday in marching +and counter-marching, and then, after thirty miles of moving over a heavy +country, to return to London dead beat. + + * * * * * + +EFFECTIVELY SETTLING IT.--A "par" in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday +informed us that "The Bishop of EXETER administered, yesterday, the rite of +confirmation to thirty-eight patients of the Western Counties' Idiot Asylum +at Starcross. This is the first time such a rite has been conferred upon +inmates of this institution." Very hard on these inmates, as, previous to +the ceremony there might have been some hope of their recovery; but now +they have become "confirmed idiots." + + * * * * * + +ODE TO A GIRAFFE. + +(_On hearing that the Solitary Specimen at the Zoo had just died._) + +[Illustration] + + So Death has paid the Zoo a call, + And claimed you for his own, + Who "neck or nothing" had been left + To bloom--and die--alone. + From far I gazed into your face, + I did not know your name, + You looked uncomfortable, but + I loved you all the same. + + Your neck _was_ just a trifle long, + I think you must confess. + I've often thought if, as a fact, + You could have done with less. + But we must take you all in all, + And so I hear with pain + That probably we shall not look + Upon your like again. + + I could have spared a buffalo + Or elephant with ease, + An armadillo, or a bear, + A dozen chimpanzees. + When _Jumbo_ left for foreign skies, + I did not shed a tear, + For though his _Alice_ mourned his loss, + I knew that _you_ were here. + + You've gone to heaven, if that's where + The good giraffes all go. + I wonder if you'll ever see + What happens down below. + I hope, for your own comfort, not, + But, if you ever do, + Please recognise me as the Man + Who sadly haunts the Zoo. + + * * * * * + +THE POET AND THE SONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I HAD a thought, a dainty thought, + A quaint and cunning fancy, + I said, "A theme with humour fraught + Within my grasp I can see. + This thought will work into a set + Of verses fit for singing." + A voice rasped, "Oh, a deal o' wet!" + And off that thought went winging. + + And once again that thought returned, + With yet more brightness on it-- + This time with the desire I burned + To weave it in a sonnet. + I'd get an artist chum to do + The subject in a rare cut. + Alas! before 'twas grasped it flew, + Alarmed by, "Git yer 'air cut!" + + I strayed in silent solitude + That lost thought to recover, + And, as my journey I pursued, + 'Twould still around me hover. + Almost I grasped, one fatal day, + That fancy, quaint and clever, + A cad shrieked, "Tara-boom-de-ay!" + And off it flew--for ever! + + * * * * * + +SUNDAY OBSERVANCE. + +[Illustration] + + WHAT a shocking state of things, + Oh, my goodness, Mrs. GRUNDY! + There's a man that plays and sings + In a Blackpool hall on Sunday! + + Oh, what wickedness, oh, dear! + Sunday music! What a scandal! + Folks might even go and hear + Things by HAYDN or by HANDEL! + + Rush and find some obsolete + Act of wise and pious GEORGES, + Which will help us to defeat + Such abominable orgies! + + But here's worse news, I declare; + Gracious patience, Mrs. GRUNDY! + Eastbourne people cannot bear + Nice Salvation bands on Sunday! + + Acts, not words, again we need, + Just to show them they are silly. + Sunday Music stopped? Indeed, + They _must_ like it, willy nilly! + + * * * * * + +THEATRES AND MUSIC HALLS COMMISSION. + +(_A Matinée, by Our Own Reporter._) + +[Illustration] + +IN reply to Mr. WOODALL, Mr. J.L. TOOLE said he was happy to come there. +_Name is JOHN LAWRENCE TOOLE_? Yes. "JACK with my familiars,"--hem!-- +SHAKSPEARE. Being in Witness-box,--JACK in the Box. _What he would take_? +Nothing, thanks, not even his oath. He was quite prepared to kiss the +book--in the absence of the belle. Little joke that--has heard of "bell, +book, and candle." Couldn't bring the candle in,--would if he could, +though, just to--ahem!--make it a light entertainment. Would they excuse +his glove? What did they want to know? _Whether the sanitary arrangements +at his Theatre were good_? Rather--he could only say they were "fust-rate." +A 1, in fact, like the performance. The house held over two thousand +pounds, and was crowded nightly to see _Walker, London. Did he consider the +structure safe_? Of course he did--safe as Houses--that is, safe as his +houses for _Walker, London_ were going to be for the next three years and a +half, when his tenancy would expire, and he should then be in the Army. +_Did the Committee want to know how it was that he would be in the Army_? +He'd tell them; because, when he gave up that Theatre, he would be a "Left +Tenant." Not bad that, for a beginner. We're a getting on, we are. As to +ventilation--well, he couldn't have too much ventilation for _Walker, +London_. He should like it aired everywhere. _Then the Committee might take +it that he was satisfied with the structure_? Well--if they put it in that +way--yes--he thought the structure a bit faulty---but what's the odds as +long as the public like the piece? He didn't consider _Walker, London_, a +model of dramatic construction, but he looked upon the House Boat built on +the stage as quite a model of construction; the end of the piece was a bit +hazy, and he didn't yet know why everybody allowed him to go off with the +punt, which they wouldn't get back, unless his friend, Mr. SHELTON, who was +splendidly made up as a riverside boatman, brought it back, and, begging +the Committee's pardon if they'd excuse his glove, he couldn't tell; not +that it was a secret, because the clever author, a very nice retiring chap +called BARRIE, hadn't confided it to him,--but--what was he saying?--oh, +yes--he couldn't tell how it was all the characters on board didn't see +ELIZA JOHNSON as _Sarah_ in the punt. But as _Walker_ says, "Oh, that's +nothing! that's nothing!" _The Chairman wished to know if there is an +egress at the back of the Theatre?_ He (Mr. TOOLE) did not remember ever +having seen a negress there. There were two beautiful young ladies--Miss +IRENE VANBRUGH and Miss MARY ANSELL--now playing, and, he might say it who +shouldn't, playing charmingly in _Walker, London_. _The Chairman didn't +mean that_. No? But _he_ (Mr. TOOLE) did, and he might add, though "it was +nothing, a mere nothing," that the performance of his three young men--Mr. +C.M. LOWNE, as the sensible lover; Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS, as the young medical +student; and Mr. CECIL RAMSEY, as "W.G.," a youthful athlete, was +admirable. They were all in _Walker, London_. In reply to Mr. T.H. BOLTON, +who wished to know _if the Witness considered his Theatre a substantial +edifice_, Mr. TOOLE said that he certainly did, because, you see, the +Theatre would never go to pieces as long as the pieces went to the Theatre, +and as long as it was supported by the public. _Have I any complaint_? +Nothing to speak of, except a touch of gout. Oh, beg pardon, you meant +_complaint as to the Theatre_? Oh, no, except it's not large enough to hold +the millions who can't be crammed in nightly. Has an excellent Acting +Manager in Mr. GEORGE LEE, and as to friend BILLINGTON'S stage-management +of the House Boat (the scene, he might say, was painted by Mr. HARKER, a +name not unknown at the Mansion House), it is the best thing of the sort +ever done. Any evening that Mr. PLUNKET, Mr. WOODALL, or Mr. BOLTON, or any +other of the Honourable Gentlemen would like to look in and see _Walker, +London_, they have only to send to the Box Office, or any of the Libraries, +and book in advance--he couldn't say fairer than that--because it was +advice that he always gave to "Friend IRVING," and which he had adopted. No +more? Hope he doesn't intrude. Would the Committee excuse his glove? Yes? +Then, remember, _Walker, London_. + +Mr. J.L. TOOLE then hurried out. After his departure it was found that all +the spectators had on their backs adhesive labels advertising _Walker, +London_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WARNING. + +_Archie_ (_to his Sister, who has been reading him Fairy Tales_). "WON'T +THERE BE A LOT OF _US_, IF NONE OF US GO AND GET MARRIED? WORSE THAN _HOP +O'MY THUMB_!" + +_Sister._ "YES; BUT YOU KNOW _I_ MEAN TO BE MARRIED!" + +_Archie._ "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'D GO AND LIVE ALONE WITH A MAN AFTER +READING _BLUEBEARD_?"] + + * * * * * + +A WAITING GAME. + +WARY WILLIAM, _loquitur_:-- + + _Drat that dog_! + Dogs are mixed,--like men. + Few know how to _jog_; + Hasty tongue and pen, + Many a bungler bog, + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + Lots of dogs I've bred. + Most want whip, a deal. + This one, be it said, + Is more hot than leal; + Wants to go ahead, + Hates to come to heel! + + Skies are overcast; + Slowly comes the spring, + Quarry's tracked--at last, + Strong, though, on the wing. + Steady! Not so fast! + Waiting game's the thing. + + 'Tother WILLIAM'S style + Rather spoiled this pup. + _Steady_! Wait awhile! + H-RC-RT's like a Krupp. + I can stroll, and smile-- + Till the birds get up. + + Half-bred dogs--well, well, + Mustn't talk like that! + Else they'll call _me_ "swell." + _Down! What are you at_? + Scurry and pell-mell + Do not 'bell the cat.' + + Sport is not a mere + Game of "Spill and pelt" + Patience! End is near. + _Down_! Brute wants a welt! + Modern breed runs queer; + That I long have felt. + + 'Tother WILLIAM snorts, + L-BBY only grins; + But at most all sports + It is _judgment_ wins. + Breed, though, now consorts + With mongrels--for its sins! + + Long the sport I've loved, + Mean to try again, + I should be reproved + Did I speak too plain: + But--are dogs improved + By that Irish strain? + + Steady, my lad, steady! + Nearly slipped me then! + You're too hot and heady-- + (Like no end of men!--) + _Near_!--but not _quite_ ready. + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + * * * * * + +VESTRYMEN CLIMBING DOWN.--Say the unfortunate Nonconformist Vestrymen of +St. George's, Southwark,--"We won't pay the Rector's Rate; but we won't go +to prison, at any rate." + + * * * * * + +PRUDES AND NUDES. + + [An "Officer of high rank" has written to _Truth_, complaining of the + naked statues and pictures he saw at Londonderry House, at a sale on + behalf of Irish Home Industries.] + + ATTEND and hear the story of a most uncommon _militaire_, + Whom the sight of naked statues caused to tingle to his boots, + Who was seen to beat his breast, and (which was far more flat and silly) + tear + His hair by blushing handfuls from its shocked and modest roots. + + It was dreadful! There were Duchesses (Heav'n bless their handsome + faces!) + And a host of pretty Countesses, and Maidens by the score, + And they sold some Irish Industries--embroideries and laces-- + And MADGE described to AMY all the pretty frocks they wore. + + But the statues and the paintings didn't seem at all to worry them, + Having work to do they did it just as quiet as a mouse, + Though this soldier took his daughter and his wife, and tried to hurry + them + In the cause of outraged virtue far from Londonderry House. + + So when next he goes where statues are, we'll do our best to hide them, + Since to prudes all things are prudish, lest his modesty take hurt. + Though some one else, perhaps, may write, and say he can't abide them, + When Apollo stands in trousers, or when Venus wears a skirt. + + * * * * * + +FROM ROBERT.--"Sir, I'm proud of my furrin co-profeshunal LHÉROT, the +himminint Waiter, wot nobbled the bomb-ta-ra (hif I may so igspress my +sentimenx) waggybun, RAVACHOL. This Waiter is wot my french frend calls a +'_Tray bong Gassong_,' and the wunnerful manner the french Waiters has of +carryin a tray loded with drinkabels is worthy of the hippythep. He sez +orlso has is name, hinsted of LHÉROT, ort to be andid down to posterittory +as 'L'HÉROS'--wich word as rote down by hisself means 'The Hero.' He got a +1000 Franks, wich is rayther more nor wos ever got by one BOB." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WAITING GAME. + +THE OLD KEEPER. "GENTLY! GENTLY!--MY BEAUTY! I'LL SAY '_WHEN_'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REALLY PLEASANT! + +SIX MILES FROM HOME, HORSE DEAD LAME, AWFULLY TENDER FEET, AND HORRIBLY +TIGHT BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOAT-RACE NOVEL. + +STONYBROKE. + +CHAPTER I. + +IT was the eve of the University Boat-Race. In the remote East the gorgeous +August sun was sinking to his rest behind the purple clouds, gilding with +his expiring rays the elevated battlements of Aginanwater Court, the +ancestral seat of His Grace the Duke of AVADRYNKE, K.C.B., G.I.N., whose +Norman features might have been observed convulsively pressed against the +plate-glass window of his alabaster dining-hall. There was in the +atmosphere a strange electric hush, scarcely broken by the myriad voices of +hoarse betting-men, raucously roaring out the market odds of "Fifty to one. +Oxbridge!" or "Two ponies to a thick 'un, Camford!" Well would it have been +for the Duke of AVADRYNKE had he never offered the hospitality of his +famous river-side residence to the Oxbridge Crew. But the Duke had the +courage of his ancient boating-race whose banner waved proudly upon the +topmost turret, bearing upon its crimson folds the proud family motto, +"_Dum Vivo Bibo_." + +And the sun went down, and within Aginanwater Court the sounds of wild +revelry shook the massive beams. + +CHAPTER II. + +THE Oxbridge Crew still sat in the marble supper-room, amid the _débris_ of +the feast that the Duke's Seneschal had laid out for them. The floor was +paved with Magnums and Maximums of the best Heidanseekerer champagne, most +of them as empty as the foolish head of the Duchess of AVADRYNKE, which was +at that moment reposing upon the brawny chest of Lord PODOPHLIN, the +celebrated No. 5 of the Oxbridge Crew. On a raised dais at the end of the +room the ladies of the Tarara _corps de ballet_ were performing the final +steps of the Sinuous Shadow-dance, specially dedicated to the Oxbridge Crew +by the _chef d'orchestre_ of Tarara's Halls. + +"May I be jiggered," observed the Oxbridge President, Sir WELFORARD +LONGSTROKE, as he selected his fourth regalia from the Duke's pearl- +encrusted box, and lit it with all the _abandon_ of a Society darling, "may +I be jiggered if this is not ripping! What say you?" he continued, +addressing young PULYER WRIGHT, the Coxswain, and tossing him playfully +four times to the raftered ceiling--"shall we not beat the dastard foe from +Camford to-morrow?" A roar of applause sprang from the smoking mouths of +his seven companions. + +But at this moment the Duchess of AVADRYNKE and Lord PODOPHLIN rose +unobserved and quitted the room. In another minute the sound of hurrying +wheels, gradually growing fainter in the distance, was heard by no one in +the avenue. And the dance went on, and revelry rose to its maddest pitch. +But no one, who, as has been recorded above, had heard the sound of the +wheels, gave a thought to the Duke of AVADRYNKE, as he sat tearing his hair +in the violet bedroom, having learnt from the faithful Seneschal the +terrible news of the Duchess's elopement with the heir to the house of +PODOPHLIN. + +CHAPTER III. + +THE morn of the race dawned clear and sparkling. Far as the eye could +reach, the banks of the river were rich with Millions, and firm enough to +bear any run upon them however heavy. But Sir WELFORARD LONGSTROKE was ill +at ease. His No. 5 had fled leaving no trace, and he had no one to fill the +vacancy. He looked the very model of an aquatic hero. His broad chest was +loosely clad in a pair of blue satin shorts, and his fair hair fell in +waving masses over his muscular back. His thoughts were bitter. The Camford +crew had started on the race some ten minutes ago, and the Oxbridge craft +still waited idly in the docks for want of a No. 5. + +"Surely," Sir WELFORARD thought to himself, "PODOPHLIN might have postponed +the elopement for one day." A confused noise interrupted his meditations. +Some ten yards from him a man roughly clad, but with the immense muscular +development of the Arri Furnese Apollo, was engaged in fighting three +bargees at once. As Sir WELFORARD stepped forward, this individual struck a +terrible blow. His ponderous fist, urged by the force of a thirty-inch +biceps, crashed through the chest of his first foe, severed the head of the +second from his body, and struck the third, a tall man, full in the +midriff, propelling him through the air into the middle of the river. +"That's enough for one day," he said, as with an air of haughty melancholy +he removed his clay-pipe from his mouth. His face seemed familiar to Sir +WELFORARD. Who could he be? All doubt was removed when he advanced, grasped +Sir WELFORARD by the hand, and, in tones broken with emotion, said, "Don't +you recognise me? I am your old College chum, Viscount STONYBROKE." + +CHAPTER IV. + +"SAVED! Saved!" shouted Sir WELFORARD, joyously--"there is yet time!" Then, +rushing into rhyme, he asked, "Will you row in the race, In PODOPHLIN'S +place?" + +[Illustration: Touching Finale.] + +"Will I row in the race?" repeated Lord STONYBROKE--"just won't I!" And, +without removing his hobnails, or his corduroys, he sprang lightly into the +Oxbridge racing-boat. The rest is soon told. In less time than it takes to +narrate the story, the Camford lead was wiped out. The exertion proved too +much for seven men in the Oxbridge Crew, but the gigantic strength of the +eighth, Lord STONYBROKE, was sufficient of itself to win the race by fifty +lengths. And that night, when the Prime Minister handed to him the reward +of victory in the shape of a massive gold dessert service, he was also able +to announce that the STONYBROKE estates and the STONYBROKE title had been, +by the Monarch's command, restored to their original possessor, as a reward +of conspicuous valour and strength. [THE END.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS WAX-WORKS. THE CHIEF GROUPS.] + + * * * * * + +Walt Whitman. + + "The good grey Poet" gone! Brave, hopeful WALT! + He might not be a singer without fault, + And his large rough-hewn rhythm did not chime + With dulcet daintiness of time and rhyme. + He was no neater than wide Nature's wild, + More metrical than sea-winds. Culture's child, + Lapped in luxurious laws of line and lilt, + Shrank from him shuddering, who was roughly built + As cyclopean temples. Yet there rang + True music through his rhapsodies, as he sang + Of brotherhood, and freedom, love and hope, + With strong wide sympathy which dared to cope + With all life's phases, and call nought unclean. + Whilst hearts are generous, and whilst woods are green, + He shall find hearers, who, in a slack time + Of puny bards and pessimistic rhyme, + Dared to bid men adventure and rejoice. + His "yawp barbaric" was a human voice; + The singer was a man. America + Is poorer by a stalwart soul to-day, + And may feel pride that she hath given birth + To this stout laureate of old Mother Earth. + + * * * * * + +OUR CRICKETERS.--The English Cricketing Team came to the end of their +Australian tour last week, where, under the leadership of Lord SHEFFIELD, +out of twenty-six matches they won thirteen, lost two, and eleven were +drawn. The Eleven of course were drawn over and over again, _i.e._, +photographed. It will henceforth be a recommendation for any Cricketer to +say he was out under this distinguished captaincy, as to this introduction +the host will rejoin, "Ah, I know that man, he comes from SHEFFIELD." Not +only were the English team successful playfully, but also artistically, as +in every match they played with GRACE. + + * * * * * + +BRAWLING AT HOME AND ABROAD.--On the same day in the papers appeared +accounts of brawling in a Church in Paris, where a free fight ensued and no +police interfered, and of a row in a Church in London Road, when the police +walked off with an anti-curate and put an end to the disturbance. Some +things we _do_ manage better in England. + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY CLASSICS.--Of the Guildhall Loan Collection, Mr. Deputy HORA is the +Chairman. As a Deputy must be a representative officer--except, perhaps, in +the case of a "Depitty Sawbones," _vide Sam Weller_--the temporary motto of +the Deputy's Ward might well be, "_Hora pro nobis_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW COMET. + +["Mr. DENNING, whose name is well known as a comet-finder, discovered a +_small_ FAINT _Comet_ on Friday, March 18, at Bishopton, Bristol."-- +_Times_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HASTY! + +_Mary._ "IF MISSUS DON'T WITHDRAW WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME, I SHALL LEAVE +THE HOUSE!" + +_Thomas._ "WHAT DID SHE SAY?" + +_Mary._ "SHE SAID, 'I GIVE YOU A MONTH'S NOTICE!'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Seymour-Keay.] + +_House of Commons, Monday. March 28._--Strange sight witnessed in House +to-night. Subject of Debate, Indian Council Bill; Benches nearly full. Pup +and dog, I've known the House for nineteen years, and never before saw the +like. Explanation not found in fact of CURZON making his maiden speech as +Minister in charge of Bill, though that had some influence at outset. Able +speech it proved, our newest Minister having the great gift of lucidity. It +was later than that when House filled, nearly two hours later, for in +meantime SCHWANN had delivered Address as long as the Ganges, and MACLEAN +(who was waiting his turn to speak) says, nearly as muddy. + +Curious how India seems to affect eminent orators, making them for the time +pointless, dull, and above all, verbose. Probably no subject other than +India could unite such galaxy of born orators and debaters. SWIFT MACNEILL, +RICHARD TEMPLE, SAMUEL SMITH, OCTAVIUS MORGAN, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON and +SEYMOUR-KEAY--one followed the other as in a necklet of diamonds gem +succeeds gem, till the wearied eyesight can scarce decide which is the more +brilliant. SEYMOUR-KEAY was, indeed, too much for the SPEAKER, who thrice +called him to order, the last time with stern voice and threatening brow +that made SEYMOUR tremble from the altitude of his boot-heels. + +It was none of these who filled the House with Members listening intently +to a speech on internal affairs of India, It was Mr. G. who performed the +miracle. No one expected to find him in this galley; being there, the banks +were rapidly crowded with a throng lost in admiration of his strong, swift, +graceful stroke. Difficult to say which the most admirable, the lofty +height, far above the littleness of Party conflict, from which he surveyed +the topic, the charm of his language or the dexterity with which, without +seeming to rebuke the follower who had moved the Amendment and the eminent +men who were prepared to support it, he sustained the Ministry in their +effort to reconstruct the Indian Councils, and suggested that the Amendment +should with all haste be put into the fire. Whilst SCHWANN appropriated an +hour of the Sitting, and SEYMOUR-KEAY exceeded that time, twenty-five +minutes served Mr. G. for a speech delivered without note, apparently +without preparation, and which left nothing more to be said. + +"Upon my word, Sir," I said, a little out of breath trying to keep pace +with him running up the Duke of YORK'S steps going home to dinner, "you +grow younger every year, and, if I may say so, mellower." + +"You certainly may say so, TOBY, if you like," he smilingly replied, "but +the calendar says otherwise." + +"What," I asked-- + + "What has the calendar to do + With Mr. G.? What Time's fruitless tooth + With gay immortals such as you, + Whose years but emphasise your youth?" + +"Ah, I know that--with a slight difference. LOWELL wrote it to WENDEL +HOLMES on his seventy-fifth birthday. I knew HOLMES too; he used to crow +over me because he was just four months older, and yet, as he said, whilst +I pleaded age as a reason why I could not visit the United States, he +crossed the Atlantic at seventy-seven. Perhaps when I've got this Home-Rule +question off my hands, I may find time to go to the United States." + +"Yes," I said, "you'll be another year younger then, and more at leisure." + +_Business done._--Indian Council Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration: R. Cuninghame Graham.] + +_Tuesday._--Some sensation created at Morning Sitting by discovery of +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM addressing House from Conservative Benches. There was a +well-known Member of the Parliament of 1874 who hit upon new device for, as +he reckoned, doubling his chance of catching SPEAKER'S eye. Noted that +SPEAKER called alternately upon Members from either side. If debate were +opened from Opposition Benches, SPEAKER would next turn to other side of +House, and call on Ministerialist. Happy thought occurred to our old +friend. After rising several times from his seat below Gangway on +Opposition Benches, and been passed over by SPEAKER in favour of another, +he, whilst Member was speaking, crossed floor of House, and, when speech +concluded, jumped up from other side. Being again ignored by the startled +SPEAKER, went back to own place again to try his chances there. Don't +remember that the manoeuvre was a success. Certainly not been generally +adopted. + +GRAHAM seems now to have recurred to it; or can it be the case that he, +too, has joined "the Gentlemen of England"? House so agitated by this +problem, that it quite loses thread of debate; a thrilling discussion, to +which FERGUSSON contributed a luminous speech, upon the Telephone. + +WILFRID LAWSON much interested in new development of affairs. + +"The Government," he says, "if only with the instincts of self- +preservation, should hasten the Dissolution. If they go on a little longer, +no saying what they may come to, with JOE as their principal champion in +town and country, with JOHN REDMOND as their favourite orator; led into the +Lobby the other day by BURT against the Eight Hours Bill, they only want to +recruit CUNINGHAME GRAHAM to their ranks to make the medley complete. If +they go on another three months, we shall see them some Sunday following +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM'S red flag as he leads them to Trafalgar Square, there to +be addressed by Alderman JOHN BURNS." + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Civil Service Estimates. + +[Illustration: "Crude and wasteful."] + +_Thursday._--Scotch Members made a night of it. Great muster of the Clans. +Government have £265,000 to make over to Scotland in relief of Local +Taxation and promotion of Education. Scotch Members don't object to the +money, but take exception to its plan of distribution. Member after Member +rises from Opposition Benches, biting at hand that proffers the boon. +"Crude and wasteful," BUCHANAN calls this scheme, and Scotch Members +lustily cheer. + +A capital debate of its kind, but not picturesque; Benches empty, only the +LORD-ADVOCATE on the Treasury Bench. + +"I'll tell you how you can manage these fellows, my dear CASABLANCA," said +JEMMY LOWTHER, crossing the Gangway, and seating himself for a moment by +the solitary Minister. + +"Beg your pardon, my name is PEARSON." + +"Of course," said JEMMY, "I know very well; only a quotation; thinking of +the Boy who stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, doncha. +Was going to tell you how you can get out of this trouble. Fellows opposite +righteously indignant at your proposed disposition of money. Very well; you +get up, say you're sorry to have offended; had no idea you'd made such a +mistake; only atonement you can offer is to withdraw the proposed grant +altogether. Then you'll see how they'll sit up." + +"Excellent idea," said LORD-ADVOCATE. "Shall mention it to GOSCHEN when he +comes back--if he ever does," he added with weary voice, looking down the +deserted Bench. Scotch Members, all unconscious of JEMMY LOWTHER'S +machination, went on talking till midnight, when debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday._--In Committee of Supply; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE thinks +opportunity favourable for Prince ARTHUR to tell all he knows about +Dissolution. Prince ARTHUR quite agreeable, but really knows nothing. +Radicals look angry at being thus put off; show signs of intention to +discuss the matter. Mr. G. interposes; makes one of his bland speeches; +wouldn't press question now (a suggestion that pleases Ministers); +by-and-by time will come, then we shall see; whereat SAGE and his friends +brighten up; Mr. G. sits down having pleased everybody; storm blown off. + +Curious to note the altered condition in atmosphere of House since Mr. G. +came back. Turmoil stopped; restlessness soothed; Ministerial work goes on +smoothly, whilst the GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR looks on benevolently. + +"Yes," said PRINCE ARTHUR, uneasily, "this is all very well. He holds back +the curs that would snap at our heels; but it's only because he, a wilier +tactician, knows that no practical advantage is to be gained from that kind +of sport. Wait till he thinks the hour has struck, and you'll see he'll not +only let slip the dogs of war, but lead the rush himself." + +_Business done._--In Committee of Supply. + + * * * * * + +REMBRANDT, TITIEN, VÉLASQUEZ, ET CIE. WHISTLER, SUCCESSEUR. + +[Illustration] + + Oh, what a catalogue! Whatever made you think + Numbers should mix in a way never seen? + 3, that's a flood of milk, 20, a flood of ink, + Touching a gruel-like sea, that's 15. + + Next time, to make a delightful variety, + Hang upside down all the works in your show, + Whilst, on their heads, the _élite_ of Society, + Gasp, "_Fin de Siècle_, quite _chic_, don't you know!" + + Why play such pranks to draw people who scoff? It is + They to whose critical words you are deaf. + Though in your country you are not a prophet, is + This how you make one, that's spelt with an F? + + Strange that the only kind critic you mention + Is French. He compares you with REMBRANDT & CO.; + His words seem the sole ones that claim your attention: + We'll end in his tongue, like the list of your show. + + _Cher Monsieur_ VISTLAIRE, _allez chez la nation_ + _Voisine, et emportez ces oeuvres_ "_splendides_," + "_Destinées à l'éternité des admirations_," + _Ainsi que dit ce critique candide_! + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 9th, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 4, 2005 [EBook #14592] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 9th, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page169" id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> + +<h3>BOAT-RACE DAY.</h3> + + <blockquote><i>The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed + Hammersmith Bridge, and is being carried along by a jostling stream of + sightseers towards Mortlake. The banks are already + occupied—although it still wants half an hour to the time fixed for + the start—by a triple row of the more patient and prudent + spectators. On the left of the path, various more or less</i> Shady + Characters <i>have established their "pitches," and are doing their best + to beguile the unsophisticated.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>First Shady Character</i> (<i>presiding over a particoloured + roulette board with a revolving and not unmanageable index</i>). Three to + one any colour you like! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a + layin'.... Pop it on, you sportsmen! (<i>Two</i> Sportsmen—<i>a + couple of shop-boys</i>—"<i>pop it on</i>," <i>in coppers</i>.) + Yaller was your colour—and it <i>is</i> a yaller cap, sure enough! + <i>I</i>'m a payin' this time. Try it again! (<i>They do.</i>) Blue's + your fancy this turn, my lord. And green it <i>is</i>! Good ole Hireland + for ever! Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' + yer luck—'ave another go. <i>Red</i> did you put your coppers on? + And it's <i>yaller</i> again—and <i>you </i> lose! (<i>The</i> + Sportsmen <i>pass on—with empty pockets</i>.) Fairest game + <i>in</i> the world!</p> + + <p><i>Second S.C.</i> (<i>who has been conducting a Confidence Auction + from a barrow and egg-box</i>). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if + you ain't —(<i>candidly</i>)—it don't make no bloomin' + difference to me, for I'm orf—these premises is comin' down fur + alterations. [<i>He gets off the barrow, shoulders the egg-box, and + departs in search of fresh dupes.</i></p> + + <p><i>A Vendor.</i> Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and + amusement, jest you stop and invest a penny in this little article I am + now about to introdooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient + in the 'ole art and practice of Photography in the small space of five + seconds and a arf—and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't + possible to become an expert photographer at a smaller expense than the + sum of one penny. 'Ere I 'old in my 'and a simple little machine, + consistin' of a small sheet of glorss in a gilt frame. I've been + vaccinated five 'underd-and-forty-one times, never been bit by a mad dog + in my life, and all these articles have been thoroughly fumigated before + leaving the factory, therefore you'll agree with me you needn't be afraid + o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell me it's nearly died out + now—and no wonder, with everythink a cure for it—but this + article is a <i>certain</i> remedy. All you've got to do is to bite off a + corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at the time, + chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, call for a + pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this + way—the minoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the + microbe, preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you + to suffocate 'im with the four ale. (<i>To the Reader.</i>) Will you + allow me to show you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? + kindly 'old it in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the + plate for the space of a few seconds. (<i>All of which the Reader, being + the soul of courtesy, obligingly does—and is immediately rewarded + by observing the outline of a donkey's head produced upon the glass.</i>) + Now if you'll 'and that round, Sir, to allow the company to judge whether + it ain't a correct likeness— + [<i>But here the Reader will probably + prefer to pass on.</i></p> + + <p><i>Third S.C.</i> (<i>who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half + covered with a rug, and yelling</i>). Ow-ow-ow-ow!... Come an' see the + wonderful little popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, + walk round, shake 'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where + he was keptured!</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, + which—as soon as an inconvenient Constable is out of + hearing—reveals itself as an illicit lottery. Speculators purchase + numbered tickets freely; balls are shaken up in the tin box—and the + popsy-wopsy invariably gets distinctly the best of it.</i></blockquote> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/169.png"><img width="100%" src="images/169.png" + alt="I'm ole Billy Fairplay, I am!" /></a> + "I'm ole Billy Fairplay, <i>I</i> am!" + </div> + <p><i>Fourth S.C.</i> (<i>an extremely disreputable-looking old + gentleman, with a cunningly curled piece of tape on a board</i>), 'Ere, + I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, <i>I</i> am! Come an' try yer fortins at little + 'Ide an' Find! Arf a crown yer don't prick the middle o' this bit o' + tape. Bet arf a crown, to win five shillin's! (<i>A school-boy sees his + way to doubling his last tip, and speculates.</i>) Wrong agin, my boy! + It's old BILLY FAIRPLAY'S luck—for <i>once</i> in a way! + [<i>The + School-boy departs, saddened by this most unexpected result.</i></p> + + <p><i>Fifth S.C.</i> (<i>a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who + is trying desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too + familiar purse-trick</i>). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellin' yer all, + fair <i>an</i>' frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I <i>can</i>; but, if + you kin ketch me on my <i>merits</i>, why, <i>I</i> shan't + grumble—I'll promise yer that much! Well, now—(<i>to a stolid + and respectable young Clerk</i>)—jest to show you don't know + <i>me</i>, and I don't know <i>you</i>—(<i>he throws three + half-crowns into the purse</i>). There, 'old <i>that</i> for me. Shut it. + (<i>The Clerk does so, grinning.</i>) Thank you—you're a gentleman, + though you mayn't look like it—but perhaps you're one in disguise. + <i>Now</i> gimme 'arf a crown for it. Yer won't? <i>Any</i> one gimme arf + a crown for it? Why—(<i>unprintable language</i>)—if ever I + see sech a blanky lot o' mugs in <i>my</i> life! 'Ere, I'll try yer once + more! (<i>He does.</i>) <i>Now</i> oo'll gimme arf a crown for it? (<i>To + a Genteel Onlooker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible + comment</i>) "See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter, with a glazier's shop + where yer eye orter be! Well, if anyone had 'a told me I should stand + 'ere, on Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob for arf a crown, and no one + with the ordinary pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my word, + I'd have suspected that man of tellin' me a untruth! (<i>To a + simple-looking spectator.</i>) Will <i>you</i> 'old this purse for me? + Yer will? Well. I like the manly way yer speak up! (<i>Here the</i> Gent. + Onl., <i>observing a seedy man slinking about outside, warns the company + to "mind their pockets"—which excites the</i> Purse-seller's + <i>just indignation</i>.) "Ere!—(<i>to the</i> G.O.) you take + <i>your</i> 'ook! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave. You're a bloomin' sight + too officious, <i>you</i> are! Not much in <i>your</i> pockets to + mind—'cept the key o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I'll lay! + If you carn't beyave as a Gentleman <i>among </i> Gentlemen, go 'ome to + where you 'ad your 'air cut last—to Pentonville! (<i>The</i> G.O. + <i>retires.</i>) There, we shall get along better without '<i>im</i>. 'Ow + long are you goin' to keep me 'ere? Upon my word an' honour, it's enough + to sicken a man to see what the world's come to! Where's yer courage? + Where's yer own common sense? Where's your faith in 'umin nature? What do + yer <i>expect</i>? (<i>Scathingly.</i>) Want me to wrop it up in a + porcel, and send it 'ome for yer? Is <i>that</i> what yer waitin' for! + Dammy, if this goes on, I shall git wild, and take and give the bloomin' + purse a bath! (<i>The</i> Simple Spectator <i>feels in his + pockets—evidently for a half-crown</i>.) 'Ere, <i>you</i> look more + intelligent than the rest—I'll try yer jest this once. Jest to show + yer don't know me, and—(<i>Shouts of "They're off! They're coming!" + from the bank; the</i> Purse-seller's <i>audience suddenly melts away, + leaving him alone with the</i> Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere, JIM, we may as well + turn it up. 'Ere come them blanky boats!</p> + + <p><i>A Juvenile Plunger</i> (<i>with rather a complicated book on the + event</i>). If Oxford wins, I've got ter git a penny out of 'im, and if + Kimebridge wins, you've got ter git a penny outer <i>me</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Crowd</i> (<i>as the Crews flash by</i>). Go it, Oxford! + Ox—ford! No, Kimebridge! Well rowed, Kimebridge!... Oxford wins! + No, it don't. <i>I'll</i> lay it don't! Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was + Oxford? The inside one. No, it worn't—they was <i>outside</i>. + Well, Oxford was <i>leadin</i>', anyway!... There, <i>that's</i> all over + till next year! Not much to come out for, either—on'y just see 'em + for a second or so. Oh, <i>I</i> come out for the lark of it, <i>I</i> + do.... There goes the pidgins orf.... We shan't be long knowin' now.... + 'Ere's the Press Boat comin' back.... There, wot did I <i>tell</i> yer, + now? Well, they didn't orter ha' won. that's all—the others was the + best crew.... 'Ere they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see? Seem + friendly enough, too, considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor, + they wouldn't bear no malice now it's over!</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>Crowd disperse, and patronise</i> "<i>Popsy Wopsy</i>," + <i>the Roulette</i>, <i>Ole Billy Fairplay</i>, <i>&c.</i>, + <i>&c.</i>, <i>with renewed zest.</i></blockquote> + +<hr /> + + <p>Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much + delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last + understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span> + + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <h3>WILLIAM THE WHALER, AND HIS GREAT LONE WHALING EXPEDITION.</h3> + + <p class="center">MODERN IMPERIAL GERMAN VERSION. (BY BIZZY THE PILOT.)</p> + + <p class="center">["The arrangements for the German Emperor's + Whale-hunting excursion have been made."—<i>The Times.</i>]</p> + <a href="images/170.png"><img width="100%" src="images/170.png" + alt="William the Whaler" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas arter he'd got rid o' Me,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys.</p> + <p>When Will-I-AM he did sa-a-a-ail,</p> + <p class="i4">In a bit of a boat</p> + <p class="i4">Which would scarcely float,</p> + <p>And he went for to catch a Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>All alone for to catch a Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His Sire and his Grandsire trusted Me,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Who was never known for to fa-a-a-il;</p> + <p class="i4">But <i>he</i> thought he knew</p> + <p class="i4">More than Cap'en <i>and</i> crew,</p> + <p>In the matter o' catching a Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>In the matter o' catching a Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He'd inwented a new harpoon,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys</p> + <p>As was shaped on a whoppingish sca-a-a-le</p> + <p class="i4">And he thought with delight,</p> + <p class="i4">(The "magnanimous" mite!)</p> + <p>He was <i>going</i> to catch that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He made cocksure o' catching that Whale!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There were several Whales about,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Here and there a twitching a ta-a-a-il;</p> + <p class="i4">And he thinks, thinks he,</p> + <p class="i4">"I will catch all three,</p> + <p>But pertikler that big black Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Most pertikler that big black Whale."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Enraptured with his bit of a boat,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He set forth to sea in a g-a-a-a-le;</p> + <p class="i4">Which was altogether</p> + <p class="i4">The wrong sort o'weather</p> + <p>For a novice to capture a Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>A mere nipper for to capture a Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I gives him the best of adwice,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>For I knowed he was bound for to fa-a-a-il;</p> + <p class="i4">But he ups, and he offs,</p> + <p class="i4">And he snubs me, and he scoffs</p> + <p>At the notion of a-missing that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>The mere notion of <i>not</i> catching that Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And he bobbles about on the waves,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>And his stout heart doth not qua-a-a-ail;</p> + <p class="i4">He's a foolish little chuck,</p> + <p class="i4">But he's got a lot o' pluck,</p> + <p>Still, he will not catch that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He ain't going for to catch that Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was three whopping Whales in the offing,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>And them he did loudly h-a-a-ail;</p> + <p class="i4">But to such a voice as his'n</p> + <p class="i4">They worn't a-going to listen,</p> + <p>Especially that big black Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Most especially that big black Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He crept up with his big harpoon,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>That monster to impa-a-a-ale,</p> + <p class="i4">And stubbornly he kep' on</p> + <p class="i4">A hurling of his weapon,</p> + <p>Till he managed to hit that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>He managed to prick that Whale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then he thought he'd done a mighty clever thing,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>But the Whale gave a fhwisk! with his ta-a-a-ail,</p> + <p class="i4">And then vanished from his view,</p> + <p class="i4"><i>With the harpoon wot he threw</i>,</p> + <p>And WILL-I-AM nearly followed that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>Wos werry near to <i>following</i> that Whale:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then WILL-I-AM the Whaler looked dumfoozled,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p>And <i>I</i> sings out—a being within ha-a-a-il—</p> + <p class="i4">"I told you, noble Cap'en,</p> + <p class="i4">Exactly wot would happen!"</p> + <p>So—he didn't catch that Whale,</p> + <p class="i16">Brave boys!</p> + <p><i>No—he never caught that Whale!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>"NAMES AND THEIR MEANING."—<i>À propos</i> of some + correspondence in the <i>Morning Post</i> under the above heading, we + would ask, Why not make the Second Chief Commissioner for the Behring + Straits Difficulty, Mr. SEALE HAYNE, M.P., with Lord SAY AND SELE to + speak on the subject, and then sign the official documents?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>MRS. R. has heard much lately about the "Sandringham Stud" and the + "St. Andrews Links," both of which, she understands, are very large. She + can't make out how gentlemen prefer them to nice, neat little + shirt-buttons!</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/171.png"><img width="100%" src="images/171.png" + alt="A Brother Pastellist." /></a> + <h3>A BROTHER PASTELLIST.</h3> + + <p class="center">[Messrs. GOUPIL admit Artists and Students free to Mr. WHISTLER'S + Exhibition.]</p> + + <p><i>Gatekeeper (stopping squalid Stranger).</i> "NOW THEN, WHAT DO + YOU WANT?"</p> + + <p><i>S.S.</i> "COME TO SEE JIMMY'S SHOW." + <i>Gatekeeper.</i> "ONE SHILLING, + PLEASE!"</p> + + <p><i>S.S.</i> "NOT ME! I'M A ARTIST—CORNER O' BAKER + STREET—CHALKS. LE'MME THROUGH!" + [<i>Chucked!</i></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>"Signs" of the Times.</h4> + + <blockquote>["He was brought up to speak in the ante-stumping + era."—<i>Lord Rosebery on Lord Granville.</i>"]</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You do well, my dear Lord, to spread GRANVILLE'S renown.</p> + <p>Knightly, loyal, and courteous to monarch or clown,</p> + <p class="i2">He had pluck, and swift speech, though no mere Party Pump.</p> + <p>To our late platform level he hardly worked down;</p> + <p>But the popular sign of <i>his</i> day was "The Crown,"</p> + <p class="i2">Of <i>ours</i> 'tis "The Magpie and Stump."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">A PROPHECY AS TO THE U.B.R.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the Eights are reaching Chiswick,</p> + <p>One will give the other physic.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>TWO DROMIOS.—One day last week at Highgate, a certain or + uncertain WILLIAM PEA, horsedealer, was summoned by the Police for + furious driving. The Police knew him well by sight, but not well enough, + as he clearly proved what <i>Mr. Weller Senior</i> called "a alleybi." + Evidently Mr. PEA has a double, and "as like as two Peas" is peculiarly + applicable in this case. For if the other one isn't a Pea, he has been + taken for one by the Pee-lers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>QUESTION OF POLITENESS.—Except in the case of a man's father + having been "a big gun" at any time, to call anyone "a Son of a Gun," has + hitherto been considered a gross insult. Is it equally insulting to speak + of a Lady as "a Daughter of a Canon?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page172" id="page172"></a>[pg 172]</span> + +<h3>AN EMPTY TRIUMPH.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Story of Show Sunday.</i>)</p> + + <p>It was Show Sunday; lovers of Art were streaming in and out of every + Studio they could hunt up, fired with a laudable ambition to break the + record by the number they visited in the hours between luncheon and + dusk.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/172a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/172a.png" + alt="Tintoretto Tickler" /></a> + </div> + <p>The residence of so rising a painter as TINTORETTO TICKLER was + naturally a place in which no person of any self-respect would neglect to + be seen; and on this particular afternoon the entrance-hall, + sitting-rooms, and studio were simply choked with an eager throng of + friends, acquaintances, and utter strangers; for TINTORETTO'S lavish + hospitality was well known, and no expense had been spared to give his + guests as favourable an impression of his talent as possible. A couple of + knights, clad in complete steel—the local greengrocer and an + Italian model—took the guests' hats, and announced their names; + there were daffodils and azaleas in profusion; the Red Roumanians + performed national airs in the studio-gallery; Italian mandolinists sang + and strummed on the staircase, and, in the dining-room, trim + maid-servants, in becoming white caps and streamers, dispensed coffee, + claret-cup, and ices to a swarm of well-conducted social locusts.</p> + + <p>Just outside his painting-room stood TINTORETTO TICKLER, at the + receipt of compliment, which was abundantly and cheerfully paid. Indeed, + the torrent of congratulation and delicately-expressed eulogy was almost + overwhelming. One lovely and enthusiastic person told him that the sight + of his "<i>Dryad Disturbing a Beanfeast</i>" had just marked an epoch in + her mental development, and that she considered it quite the supreme + achievement of the Art of the Century. A ponderous man in spectacles, + whom TICKLER had no recollection of having ever met before in his life, + encouraged him by his solemn assurance that his "<i>Jews Sitting in a + Dentist's Waiting-room, in the reign of King John</i>," was perfectly + marvellous in its realism and historical accuracy, and that it ought to + become the property of the Nation; while an elderly lady, in furs and a + crimped front, declared that the pathos of his nursery subject—a + child endeavouring to induce a mechanical rabbit to share its + bread-and-milk—was sending her home with tears in her eyes. Some + talked learnedly of his "values," his "atmosphere," and the subtlety of + his modelling; all agreed that he had surpassed himself and every living + artist by his last year's work, and no one made any mistake about the + nature of his subjects, perhaps because—in consideration for the + necessities of the British Art-patron—they had been fully announced + and described in the artistic notes of several Sunday papers.</p> + + <p>When they got outside, it is true, their enthusiasm slightly + evaporated; TICKLER was going off, he was repeating himself, he had + nothing that was likely to produce a sensation this year, and most of his + pictures would probably never be seen again.</p> + + <p>As, however, these last remarks were not made in TINTORETTO'S + presence, it might have been thought that the unmistakable evidences of + his success which he did hear would have rendered him a proud and happy + painter,—but if he was, all that can be said was that he certainly + did not look it. He accepted the most effusive tributes with the same + ghastly and conventional smile; from feminine glances of unutterable + gratitude and admiration he turned away with an inarticulate mumble and + an averted eye; at times he almost seemed to be suppressing a squirm. If + expression is any index to the thoughts, he was neither grateful nor + gratified, and distinctly uncomfortable.</p> + + <p>A painter-friend of his, who had been patiently watching his + opportunity to get a word with him as he stood there exchanging + handshakes, managed at last to get near enough for conversation. "Very + glad to find there's no truth in it!" he began, cordially. "No truth in + <i>what</i>!" said TICKLER, a little snappishly, for he was getting + extremely fractious, "the compliments"?</p> + + <p>"No, no, my dear boy. I mean in what a fellow told me outside just + now—that some burglars broke into your studio last night, and + carried off all your canvasses—a lie, of course!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, <i>that</i>?" said TICKLER, "that's true enough—they left + nothing behind 'em but the beastly frames!"</p> + + <p>"Then what on earth——?" began the other, in perplexity, + for another group was just coming up, beaming with an ecstasy that + demanded the relief of instant expression.</p> + + <p>"Well—er—fact is," explained poor TICKLER, in an + undertone, "I <i>did</i> think of shutting the studio up and getting away + somewhere—but my wife wouldn't hear of it, you know; said it would + be such a pity to have had all the expense and trouble for nothing, and + didn't believe the mere absence of pictures would make any particular + difference. And—er—I'm bound to say that, as you can see for + yourself, it <i>hasn't</i>!"</p> + + <p>And even as he spoke, he had to resign himself once more to a farewell + burst of positively fulsome appreciation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE KING AND THE CLOWN.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/172b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/172b.png" + alt="Paynful Proceedings" /></a> + <p class="center">PAYNFUL PROCEEDINGS; OR, AFTER THE PANTOMIME'S + OVER.</p> + + <p class="center">[See <i>Times</i> Report, Friday last, April 1st, + "All Fools' Day."]</p> + </div> + <p>KING HERBERT CAMPBELL THE FIRST, and HARRY PAYNE, the Clown, were + sitting together, quaffing, after hours, and when work was done, just as + in the good old times was the wont of <i>The King and the Cobbler</i>, or + <i>The King and the Miller</i>. To them entered a Constable, intent on + duty, and no respecter of persons. Often had he seen the Clown maltreat a + policeman on the stage, nay, had seen him unstuff him, cut his head off + and blow him limb from limb from a gun, and then put him together again; + the only mistake being that the unfortunate official's head was turned + the wrong way. So this Constable, too, looking backwards, as had done the + poor pantomimic policeman, remembered all the slights, insults, and + injuries, publicly inflicted on his cloth for many years, and now + rejoiced—Ha! ha!—at last at having the Clown, the original + JOEY, nay, the last of the JOEYS, in his grasp.</p> + + <p>Poor KING HERBERT the Merry Monarch the Constable pitied, but still + "constabulary duty must be done," as he had heard sung; and remembering + that my Lord Chief Justice, in days gone by, had sent off the Heir + Apparent to prison, so now he the Constable, in the name of the Law, + would hale KING HERBERT before the Magistrate. So King and Clown were had + up accordingly. Did the Clown whimper, and cry, "Oh, please, Sir, it + wasn't me, Sir; it was t'other boy, Sir!" and did the good King prepare + to meet his fate like a man? and was he ready to put his head cheerfully + on the wig-block and declare with his latest breath (up to 12.55 P.M.) + that in his closing hours he died for the benefit of the Public? We know + not—except that both delinquents were let off—like + squibs—and Mine Host, the Boniface, had to pay all the fines. He at + all events had a Fine old time of it! <i>Sic transit</i>! So fitly ends + the long run of a good Pantomime. <i>Finis coronat opus</i>!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Volunteer Review at Dover.</h4> + + <p><i>General Idea of Officers in Command.</i>—To make as few + mistakes as possible in handling some thousands of imperfectly-drilled + and entirely undisciplined bodies of men.</p> + + <p><i>The same of the Rank and File.</i>—To spend an annual holiday + in marching and counter-marching, and then, after thirty miles of moving + over a heavy country, to return to London dead beat.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>EFFECTIVELY SETTLING IT.—A "par" in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> + last Friday informed us that "The Bishop of EXETER administered, + yesterday, the rite of confirmation to thirty-eight patients of the + Western Counties' Idiot Asylum at Starcross. This is the first time such + a rite has been conferred upon inmates of this institution." Very hard on + these inmates, as, previous to the ceremony there might have been some + hope of their recovery; but now they have become "confirmed idiots."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span> + +<h3>ODE TO A GIRAFFE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>On hearing that the Solitary Specimen at the Zoo +had just died.</i>)</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/173a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173a.png" + alt="The Giraffe" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So Death has paid the Zoo a call,</p> + <p class="i2">And claimed you for his own,</p> + <p>Who "neck or nothing" had been left</p> + <p class="i2">To bloom—and die—alone.</p> + <p>From far I gazed into your face,</p> + <p class="i2">I did not know your name,</p> + <p>You looked uncomfortable, but</p> + <p class="i2">I loved you all the same.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your neck <i>was</i> just a trifle long,</p> + <p class="i2">I think you must confess.</p> + <p>I've often thought if, as a fact,</p> + <p class="i2">You could have done with less.</p> + <p>But we must take you all in all,</p> + <p class="i2">And so I hear with pain</p> + <p>That probably we shall not look</p> + <p class="i2">Upon your like again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I could have spared a buffalo</p> + <p class="i2">Or elephant with ease,</p> + <p>An armadillo, or a bear,</p> + <p class="i2">A dozen chimpanzees.</p> + <p>When <i>Jumbo</i> left for foreign skies,</p> + <p class="i2">I did not shed a tear,</p> + <p>For though his <i>Alice</i> mourned his loss,</p> + <p class="i2">I knew that <i>you</i> were here.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You've gone to heaven, if that's where</p> + <p class="i2">The good giraffes all go.</p> + <p>I wonder if you'll ever see</p> + <p class="i2">What happens down below.</p> + <p>I hope, for your own comfort, not,</p> + <p class="i2">But, if you ever do,</p> + <p>Please recognise me as the Man</p> + <p class="i2">Who sadly haunts the Zoo.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE POET AND THE SONGS.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/173b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173b.png" + alt="The Poet" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I HAD a thought, a dainty thought,</p> + <p class="i2">A quaint and cunning fancy,</p> + <p>I said, "A theme with humour fraught</p> + <p class="i2">Within my grasp I can see.</p> + <p>This thought will work into a set</p> + <p class="i2">Of verses fit for singing."</p> + <p>A voice rasped, "Oh, a deal o' wet!"</p> + <p class="i2">And off that thought went winging.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And once again that thought returned,</p> + <p class="i2">With yet more brightness on it—</p> + <p>This time with the desire I burned</p> + <p class="i2">To weave it in a sonnet.</p> + <p>I'd get an artist chum to do</p> + <p class="i2">The subject in a rare cut.</p> + <p>Alas! before 'twas grasped it flew,</p> + <p class="i2">Alarmed by, "Git yer 'air cut!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I strayed in silent solitude</p> + <p class="i2">That lost thought to recover,</p> + <p>And, as my journey I pursued,</p> + <p class="i2">'Twould still around me hover.</p> + <p>Almost I grasped, one fatal day,</p> + <p class="i2">That fancy, quaint and clever,</p> + <p>A cad shrieked, "Tara-boom-de-ay!"</p> + <p class="i2">And off it flew—for ever!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>SUNDAY OBSERVANCE.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/173c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173c.png" + alt="There's a man that plays and sings..." /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>WHAT a shocking state of things,</p> + <p class="i2">Oh, my goodness, Mrs. GRUNDY!</p> + <p>There's a man that plays and sings</p> + <p class="i2">In a Blackpool hall on Sunday!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, what wickedness, oh, dear!</p> + <p class="i2">Sunday music! What a scandal!</p> + <p>Folks might even go and hear</p> + <p class="i2">Things by HAYDN or by HANDEL!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Rush and find some obsolete</p> + <p class="i2">Act of wise and pious GEORGES,</p> + <p>Which will help us to defeat</p> + <p class="i2">Such abominable orgies!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But here's worse news, I declare;</p> + <p class="i2">Gracious patience, Mrs. GRUNDY!</p> + <p>Eastbourne people cannot bear</p> + <p class="i2">Nice Salvation bands on Sunday!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Acts, not words, again we need,</p> + <p class="i2">Just to show them they are silly.</p> + <p>Sunday Music stopped? Indeed,</p> + <p class="i2">They <i>must</i> like it, willy nilly!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THEATRES AND MUSIC HALLS COMMISSION.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Matinée, by Our Own Reporter.</i>)</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/173d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/173d.png" + alt="Jack in the Box." /></a> + </div> + <p>IN reply to Mr. WOODALL, Mr. J.L. TOOLE said he was happy to come + there. <i>Name is JOHN LAWRENCE TOOLE</i>? Yes. "JACK with my + familiars,"—hem!—SHAKSPEARE. Being in Witness-box,—JACK + in the Box. <i>What he would take</i>? Nothing, thanks, not even his + oath. He was quite prepared to kiss the book—in the absence of the + belle. Little joke that—has heard of "bell, book, and candle." + Couldn't bring the candle in,—would if he could, though, just + to—ahem!—make it a light entertainment. Would they excuse his + glove? What did they want to know? <i>Whether the sanitary arrangements + at his Theatre were good</i>? Rather—he could only say they were + "fust-rate." A 1, in fact, like the performance. The house held over two + thousand pounds, and was crowded nightly to see <i>Walker, London. Did he + consider the structure safe</i>? Of course he did—safe as + Houses—that is, safe as his houses for <i>Walker, London</i> were + going to be for the next three years and a half, when his tenancy would + expire, and he should then be in the Army. <i>Did the Committee want to + know how it was that he would be in the Army</i>? He'd tell them; + because, when he gave up that Theatre, he would be a "Left Tenant." Not + bad that, for a beginner. We're a getting on, we are. As to + ventilation—well, he couldn't have too much ventilation for + <i>Walker, London</i>. He should like it aired everywhere. <i>Then the + Committee might take it that he was satisfied with the structure</i>? + Well—if they put it in that way—yes—he thought the + structure a bit faulty—-but what's the odds as long as the public + like the piece? He didn't consider <i>Walker, London</i>, a model of + dramatic construction, but he looked upon the House Boat built on the + stage as quite a model of construction; the end of the piece was a bit + hazy, and he didn't yet know why everybody allowed him to go off with the + punt, which they wouldn't get back, unless his friend, Mr. SHELTON, who + was splendidly made up as a riverside boatman, brought it back, and, + begging the Committee's pardon if they'd excuse his glove, he couldn't + tell; not that it was a secret, because the clever author, a very nice + retiring chap called BARRIE, hadn't confided it to + him,—but—what was he saying?—oh, yes—he couldn't + tell how it was all the characters on board didn't see ELIZA JOHNSON as + <i>Sarah</i> in the punt. But as <i>Walker</i> says, "Oh, that's nothing! + that's nothing!" <i>The Chairman wished to know if there is an egress at + the back of the Theatre?</i> He (Mr. TOOLE) did not remember ever having + seen a negress there. There were two beautiful young ladies—Miss + IRENE VANBRUGH and Miss MARY ANSELL—now playing, and, he might say + it who shouldn't, playing charmingly in <i>Walker, London</i>. <i>The + Chairman didn't mean that</i>. No? But <i>he</i> (Mr. TOOLE) did, and he + might add, though "it was nothing, a mere nothing," that the performance + of his three young men—Mr. C.M. LOWNE, as the sensible lover; Mr. + SEYMOUR HICKS, as the young medical student; and Mr. CECIL RAMSEY, as + "W.G.," a youthful athlete, was admirable. They were all in <i>Walker, + London</i>. In reply to Mr. T.H. BOLTON, who wished to know <i>if the + Witness considered his Theatre a substantial edifice</i>, Mr. TOOLE said + that he certainly did, because, you see, the Theatre would never go to + pieces as long as the pieces went to the Theatre, and as long as it was + supported by the public. <i>Have I any complaint</i>? Nothing to speak + of, except a touch of gout. Oh, beg pardon, you meant <i>complaint as to + the Theatre</i>? Oh, no, except it's not large enough to hold the + millions who can't be crammed in nightly. Has an excellent Acting Manager + in Mr. GEORGE LEE, and as to friend BILLINGTON'S stage-management of the + House Boat (the scene, he might say, was painted by Mr. HARKER, a name + not unknown at the Mansion House), it is the best thing of the sort ever + done. Any evening that Mr. PLUNKET, Mr. WOODALL, or Mr. BOLTON, or any + other of the Honourable Gentlemen would like to look in and see + <i>Walker, London</i>, they have only to send to the Box Office, or any + of the Libraries, and book in advance—he couldn't say fairer than + that—because it was advice that he always gave to "Friend IRVING," + and which he had adopted. No more? Hope he doesn't intrude. Would the + Committee excuse his glove? Yes? Then, remember, <i>Walker, + London</i>.</p> + + <p>Mr. J.L. TOOLE then hurried out. After his departure it was found that + all the spectators had on their backs adhesive labels advertising + <i>Walker, London</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page174" id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/174.png"><img width="100%" src="images/174.png" + alt="A Warning." /></a> + <h3>A WARNING.</h3> + + <p><i>Archie</i> (<i>to his Sister, who has been reading him Fairy + Tales</i>). "WON'T THERE BE A LOT OF <i>US</i>, IF NONE OF US GO AND + GET MARRIED? WORSE THAN <i>HOP O'MY THUMB</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>Sister.</i> "YES; BUT YOU KNOW <i>I</i> MEAN TO BE MARRIED!"</p> + + <p><i>Archie.</i> "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'D GO AND LIVE ALONE WITH A + MAN AFTER READING <i>BLUEBEARD</i>?"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>A WAITING GAME.</h3> + + <p>WARY WILLIAM, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Drat that dog</i>!</p> + <p class="i2">Dogs are mixed,—like men.</p> + <p>Few know how to <i>jog</i>;</p> + <p class="i2">Hasty tongue and pen,</p> + <p>Many a bungler bog,</p> + <p class="i2">Steady! <i>I</i>'ll say when!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lots of dogs I've bred.</p> + <p class="i2">Most want whip, a deal.</p> + <p>This one, be it said,</p> + <p class="i2">Is more hot than leal;</p> + <p>Wants to go ahead,</p> + <p class="i2">Hates to come to heel!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Skies are overcast;</p> + <p class="i2">Slowly comes the spring,</p> + <p>Quarry's tracked—at last,</p> + <p class="i2">Strong, though, on the wing.</p> + <p>Steady! Not so fast!</p> + <p class="i2">Waiting game's the thing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tother WILLIAM'S style</p> + <p class="i2">Rather spoiled this pup.</p> + <p><i>Steady</i>! Wait awhile!</p> + <p class="i2">H-RC-RT's like a Krupp.</p> + <p>I can stroll, and smile—</p> + <p class="i2">Till the birds get up.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Half-bred dogs—well, well,</p> + <p class="i2">Mustn't talk like that!</p> + <p>Else they'll call <i>me</i> "swell."</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Down! What are you at</i>?</p> + <p>Scurry and pell-mell</p> + <p class="i2">Do not 'bell the cat.'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sport is not a mere</p> + <p class="i2">Game of "Spill and pelt"</p> + <p>Patience! End is near.</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Down</i>! Brute wants a welt!</p> + <p>Modern breed runs queer;</p> + <p class="i2">That I long have felt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tother WILLIAM snorts,</p> + <p class="i2">L-BBY only grins;</p> + <p>But at most all sports</p> + <p class="i2">It is <i>judgment</i> wins.</p> + <p>Breed, though, now consorts</p> + <p class="i2">With mongrels—for its sins!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long the sport I've loved,</p> + <p class="i2">Mean to try again,</p> + <p>I should be reproved</p> + <p class="i2">Did I speak too plain:</p> + <p>But—are dogs improved</p> + <p class="i2">By that Irish strain?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Steady, my lad, steady!</p> + <p class="i2">Nearly slipped me then!</p> + <p>You're too hot and heady—</p> + <p class="i2">(Like no end of men!—)</p> + <p><i>Near</i>!—but not <i>quite</i> ready.</p> + <p class="i2">Steady! <i>I</i>'ll say when!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>VESTRYMEN CLIMBING DOWN.—Say the unfortunate Nonconformist + Vestrymen of St. George's, Southwark,—"We won't pay the Rector's + Rate; but we won't go to prison, at any rate."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>PRUDES AND NUDES.</h3> + + <blockquote>[An "Officer of high rank" has written to <i>Truth</i>, + complaining of the naked statues and pictures he saw at Londonderry + House, at a sale on behalf of Irish Home Industries.]</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ATTEND and hear the story of a most uncommon <i>militaire</i>,</p> + <p class="i2">Whom the sight of naked statues caused to tingle to his boots,</p> + <p>Who was seen to beat his breast, and (which was far more flat and silly) tear</p> + <p class="i2">His hair by blushing handfuls from its shocked and modest roots.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was dreadful! There were Duchesses (Heav'n bless their handsome faces!)</p> + <p class="i2">And a host of pretty Countesses, and Maidens by the score,</p> + <p>And they sold some Irish Industries—embroideries and laces—</p> + <p class="i2">And MADGE described to AMY all the pretty frocks they wore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the statues and the paintings didn't seem at all to worry them,</p> + <p class="i2">Having work to do they did it just as quiet as a mouse,</p> + <p>Though this soldier took his daughter and his wife, and tried to hurry them</p> + <p class="i2">In the cause of outraged virtue far from Londonderry House.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So when next he goes where statues are, we'll do our best to hide them,</p> + <p class="i2">Since to prudes all things are prudish, lest his modesty take hurt.</p> + <p>Though some one else, perhaps, may write, and say he can't abide them,</p> + <p class="i2">When Apollo stands in trousers, or when Venus wears a skirt.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>FROM ROBERT.—"Sir, I'm proud of my furrin co-profeshunal LHÉROT, + the himminint Waiter, wot nobbled the bomb-ta-ra (hif I may so igspress + my sentimenx) waggybun, RAVACHOL. This Waiter is wot my french frend + calls a '<i>Tray bong Gassong</i>,' and the wunnerful manner the french + Waiters has of carryin a tray loded with drinkabels is worthy of the + hippythep. He sez orlso has is name, hinsted of LHÉROT, ort to be andid + down to posterittory as 'L'HÉROS'—wich word as rote down by hisself + means 'The Hero.' He got a 1000 Franks, wich is rayther more nor wos ever + got by one BOB."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page175" id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/175.png"><img width="100%" src="images/175.png" + alt="A Waiting Game." /></a> + <h2>A WAITING GAME.</h2> + + THE OLD KEEPER. "GENTLY! GENTLY!—MY BEAUTY! I'LL SAY + '<i>WHEN</i>'!" + </div> +<hr /> + +<!-- Page 176 Blank --> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/177a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/177a.png" + alt="Really Pleasant!" /></a> + <h3>REALLY PLEASANT!</h3> + + SIX MILES FROM HOME, HORSE DEAD LAME, AWFULLY TENDER FEET, AND HORRIBLY + TIGHT BOOTS. + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>MR. PUNCH'S BOAT-RACE NOVEL.</h4> + +<h3>STONYBROKE.</h3> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER I.</p> + + <p>IT was the eve of the University Boat-Race. In the remote East the + gorgeous August sun was sinking to his rest behind the purple clouds, + gilding with his expiring rays the elevated battlements of Aginanwater + Court, the ancestral seat of His Grace the Duke of AVADRYNKE, K.C.B., + G.I.N., whose Norman features might have been observed convulsively + pressed against the plate-glass window of his alabaster dining-hall. + There was in the atmosphere a strange electric hush, scarcely broken by + the myriad voices of hoarse betting-men, raucously roaring out the market + odds of "Fifty to one. Oxbridge!" or "Two ponies to a thick 'un, + Camford!" Well would it have been for the Duke of AVADRYNKE had he never + offered the hospitality of his famous river-side residence to the + Oxbridge Crew. But the Duke had the courage of his ancient boating-race + whose banner waved proudly upon the topmost turret, bearing upon its + crimson folds the proud family motto, "<i>Dum Vivo Bibo</i>."</p> + + <p>And the sun went down, and within Aginanwater Court the sounds of wild + revelry shook the massive beams.</p> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER II.</p> + + <p>THE Oxbridge Crew still sat in the marble supper-room, amid the + <i>débris</i> of the feast that the Duke's Seneschal had laid out for + them. The floor was paved with Magnums and Maximums of the best + Heidanseekerer champagne, most of them as empty as the foolish head of + the Duchess of AVADRYNKE, which was at that moment reposing upon the + brawny chest of Lord PODOPHLIN, the celebrated No. 5 of the Oxbridge + Crew. On a raised dais at the end of the room the ladies of the Tarara + <i>corps de ballet</i> were performing the final steps of the Sinuous + Shadow-dance, specially dedicated to the Oxbridge Crew by the <i>chef + d'orchestre</i> of Tarara's Halls.</p> + + <p>"May I be jiggered," observed the Oxbridge President, Sir WELFORARD + LONGSTROKE, as he selected his fourth regalia from the Duke's + pearl-encrusted box, and lit it with all the <i>abandon</i> of a Society + darling, "may I be jiggered if this is not ripping! What say you?" he + continued, addressing young PULYER WRIGHT, the Coxswain, and tossing him + playfully four times to the raftered ceiling—"shall we not beat the + dastard foe from Camford to-morrow?" A roar of applause sprang from the + smoking mouths of his seven companions.</p> + + <p>But at this moment the Duchess of AVADRYNKE and Lord PODOPHLIN rose + unobserved and quitted the room. In another minute the sound of hurrying + wheels, gradually growing fainter in the distance, was heard by no one in + the avenue. And the dance went on, and revelry rose to its maddest pitch. + But no one, who, as has been recorded above, had heard the sound of the + wheels, gave a thought to the Duke of AVADRYNKE, as he sat tearing his + hair in the violet bedroom, having learnt from the faithful Seneschal the + terrible news of the Duchess's elopement with the heir to the house of + PODOPHLIN.</p> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER III.</p> + + <p>THE morn of the race dawned clear and sparkling. Far as the eye could + reach, the banks of the river were rich with Millions, and firm enough to + bear any run upon them however heavy. But Sir WELFORARD LONGSTROKE was + ill at ease. His No. 5 had fled leaving no trace, and he had no one to + fill the vacancy. He looked the very model of an aquatic hero. His broad + chest was loosely clad in a pair of blue satin shorts, and his fair hair + fell in waving masses over his muscular back. His thoughts were bitter. + The Camford crew had started on the race some ten minutes ago, and the + Oxbridge craft still waited idly in the docks for want of a No. 5.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/177b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/177b.png" + alt="Touching Finale." /></a> + Touching Finale. + </div> + + <p>"Surely," Sir WELFORARD thought to himself, "PODOPHLIN might have + postponed the elopement for one day." A confused noise interrupted his + meditations. Some ten yards from him a man roughly clad, but with the + immense muscular development of the Arri Furnese Apollo, was engaged in + fighting three bargees at once. As Sir WELFORARD stepped forward, this + individual struck a terrible blow. His ponderous fist, urged by the force + of a thirty-inch biceps, crashed through the chest of his first foe, + severed the head of the second from his body, and struck the third, a + tall man, full in the midriff, propelling him through the air into the + middle of the river. "That's enough for one day," he said, as with an air + of haughty melancholy he removed his clay-pipe from his mouth. His face + seemed familiar to Sir WELFORARD. Who could he be? All doubt was removed + when he advanced, grasped Sir WELFORARD by the hand, and, in tones broken + with emotion, said, "Don't you recognise me? I am your old College chum, + Viscount STONYBROKE."</p> + +<p class="center">CHAPTER IV.</p> + + <p>"SAVED! Saved!" shouted Sir WELFORARD, joyously—"there is yet + time!" Then, rushing into rhyme, he asked, "Will you row in the race, In + PODOPHLIN'S place?"</p> + + <p>"Will I row in the race?" repeated Lord STONYBROKE—"just won't + I!" And, without removing his hobnails, or his corduroys, he sprang + lightly into the Oxbridge racing-boat. The rest is soon told. In less + time than it takes to narrate the story, the Camford lead was wiped out. + The exertion proved too much for seven men in the Oxbridge Crew, but the + gigantic strength of the eighth, Lord STONYBROKE, was sufficient of + itself to win the race by fifty lengths. And that night, when the Prime + Minister handed to him the reward of victory in the shape of a massive + gold dessert service, he was also able to announce that the STONYBROKE + estates and the STONYBROKE title had been, by the Monarch's command, + restored to their original possessor, as a reward of conspicuous valour + and strength. + [THE END.]</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" src="images/178.png" + alt="The House of Commons Wax-works." /></a> + <h3>THE HOUSE OF COMMONS WAX-WORKS. THE CHIEF GROUPS.</h3> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + +<h3>Walt Whitman.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The good grey Poet" gone! Brave, hopeful WALT!</p> + <p>He might not be a singer without fault,</p> + <p>And his large rough-hewn rhythm did not chime</p> + <p>With dulcet daintiness of time and rhyme.</p> + <p>He was no neater than wide Nature's wild,</p> + <p>More metrical than sea-winds. Culture's child,</p> + <p>Lapped in luxurious laws of line and lilt,</p> + <p>Shrank from him shuddering, who was roughly built</p> + <p>As cyclopean temples. Yet there rang</p> + <p>True music through his rhapsodies, as he sang</p> + <p>Of brotherhood, and freedom, love and hope,</p> + <p>With strong wide sympathy which dared to cope</p> + <p>With all life's phases, and call nought unclean.</p> + <p>Whilst hearts are generous, and whilst woods are green,</p> + <p>He shall find hearers, who, in a slack time</p> + <p>Of puny bards and pessimistic rhyme,</p> + <p>Dared to bid men adventure and rejoice.</p> + <p>His "yawp barbaric" was a human voice;</p> + <p>The singer was a man. America</p> + <p>Is poorer by a stalwart soul to-day,</p> + <p>And may feel pride that she hath given birth</p> + <p>To this stout laureate of old Mother Earth.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>OUR CRICKETERS.—The English Cricketing Team came to the end of + their Australian tour last week, where, under the leadership of Lord + SHEFFIELD, out of twenty-six matches they won thirteen, lost two, and + eleven were drawn. The Eleven of course were drawn over and over again, + <i>i.e.</i>, photographed. It will henceforth be a recommendation for any + Cricketer to say he was out under this distinguished captaincy, as to + this introduction the host will rejoin, "Ah, I know that man, he comes + from SHEFFIELD." Not only were the English team successful playfully, but + also artistically, as in every match they played with GRACE.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>BRAWLING AT HOME AND ABROAD.—On the same day in the papers + appeared accounts of brawling in a Church in Paris, where a free fight + ensued and no police interfered, and of a row in a Church in London Road, + when the police walked off with an anti-curate and put an end to the + disturbance. Some things we <i>do</i> manage better in England.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>COCKNEY CLASSICS.—Of the Guildhall Loan Collection, Mr. Deputy + HORA is the Chairman. As a Deputy must be a representative + officer—except, perhaps, in the case of a "Depitty Sawbones," + <i>vide Sam Weller</i>—the temporary motto of the Deputy's Ward + might well be, "<i>Hora pro nobis</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/179a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179a.png" + alt="A new comet." /></a> + <h3>A NEW COMET.</h3> + + <p>["Mr. DENNING, whose name is well known as a comet-finder, + discovered a <i>small</i> FAINT <i>Comet</i> on Friday, March 18, at + Bishopton, Bristol."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/179b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179b.png" + alt="Hasty!" /></a> + <h3>HASTY!</h3> + + <p><i>Mary.</i> "IF MISSUS DON'T WITHDRAW WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME, I + SHALL LEAVE THE HOUSE!"</p> + + <p><i>Thomas.</i> "WHAT DID SHE SAY?"</p> + + <p><i>Mary.</i> "SHE SAID, 'I GIVE YOU A MONTH'S NOTICE!'"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + +<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/179c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179c.png" + alt="Seymour-Keay." /></a> + Seymour-Keay. + </div> + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday. March 28.</i>—Strange sight + witnessed in House to-night. Subject of Debate, Indian Council Bill; + Benches nearly full. Pup and dog, I've known the House for nineteen + years, and never before saw the like. Explanation not found in fact of + CURZON making his maiden speech as Minister in charge of Bill, though + that had some influence at outset. Able speech it proved, our newest + Minister having the great gift of lucidity. It was later than that when + House filled, nearly two hours later, for in meantime SCHWANN had + delivered Address as long as the Ganges, and MACLEAN (who was waiting his + turn to speak) says, nearly as muddy.</p> + + <p>Curious how India seems to affect eminent orators, making them for the + time pointless, dull, and above all, verbose. Probably no subject other + than India could unite such galaxy of born orators and debaters. SWIFT + MACNEILL, RICHARD TEMPLE, SAMUEL SMITH, OCTAVIUS MORGAN, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL + PICTON and SEYMOUR-KEAY—one followed the other as in a necklet of + diamonds gem succeeds gem, till the wearied eyesight can scarce decide + which is the more brilliant. SEYMOUR-KEAY was, indeed, too much for the + SPEAKER, who thrice called him to order, the last time with stern voice + and threatening brow that made SEYMOUR tremble from the altitude of his + boot-heels.</p> + + <p>It was none of these who filled the House with Members listening + intently to a speech on internal affairs of India, It was Mr. G. who + performed the miracle. No one expected to find him in this galley; being + there, the banks were rapidly crowded with a throng lost in admiration of + his strong, swift, graceful stroke. Difficult to say which the most + admirable, the lofty height, far above the littleness of Party conflict, + from which he surveyed the topic, the charm of his language or the + dexterity with which, without seeming to rebuke the follower who had + moved the Amendment and the eminent men who were prepared to support it, + he sustained the <span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" + id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> Ministry in their effort to reconstruct + the Indian Councils, and suggested that the Amendment should with all + haste be put into the fire. Whilst SCHWANN appropriated an hour of the + Sitting, and SEYMOUR-KEAY exceeded that time, twenty-five minutes served + Mr. G. for a speech delivered without note, apparently without + preparation, and which left nothing more to be said.</p> + + <p>"Upon my word, Sir," I said, a little out of breath trying to keep + pace with him running up the Duke of YORK'S steps going home to dinner, + "you grow younger every year, and, if I may say so, mellower."</p> + + <p>"You certainly may say so, TOBY, if you like," he smilingly replied, + "but the calendar says otherwise."</p> + + <p>"What," I asked—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What has the calendar to do</p> + <p class="i2">With Mr. G.? What Time's fruitless tooth</p> + <p>With gay immortals such as you,</p> + <p class="i2">Whose years but emphasise your youth?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Ah, I know that—with a slight difference. LOWELL wrote it to + WENDEL HOLMES on his seventy-fifth birthday. I knew HOLMES too; he used + to crow over me because he was just four months older, and yet, as he + said, whilst I pleaded age as a reason why I could not visit the United + States, he crossed the Atlantic at seventy-seven. Perhaps when I've got + this Home-Rule question off my hands, I may find time to go to the United + States."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "you'll be another year younger then, and more at + leisure."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Indian Council Bill read Second Time.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/180a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180a.png" + alt="R. Cuninghame Graham." /></a> + R. Cuninghame Graham. + </div> + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Some sensation created at Morning Sitting by + discovery of CUNINGHAME GRAHAM addressing House from Conservative + Benches. There was a well-known Member of the Parliament of 1874 who hit + upon new device for, as he reckoned, doubling his chance of catching + SPEAKER'S eye. Noted that SPEAKER called alternately upon Members from + either side. If debate were opened from Opposition Benches, SPEAKER would + next turn to other side of House, and call on Ministerialist. Happy + thought occurred to our old friend. After rising several times from his + seat below Gangway on Opposition Benches, and been passed over by SPEAKER + in favour of another, he, whilst Member was speaking, crossed floor of + House, and, when speech concluded, jumped up from other side. Being again + ignored by the startled SPEAKER, went back to own place again to try his + chances there. Don't remember that the manœuvre was a success. + Certainly not been generally adopted.</p> + + <p>GRAHAM seems now to have recurred to it; or can it be the case that + he, too, has joined "the Gentlemen of England"? House so agitated by this + problem, that it quite loses thread of debate; a thrilling discussion, to + which FERGUSSON contributed a luminous speech, upon the Telephone.</p> + + <p>WILFRID LAWSON much interested in new development of affairs.</p> + + <p>"The Government," he says, "if only with the instincts of + self-preservation, should hasten the Dissolution. If they go on a little + longer, no saying what they may come to, with JOE as their principal + champion in town and country, with JOHN REDMOND as their favourite + orator; led into the Lobby the other day by BURT against the Eight Hours + Bill, they only want to recruit CUNINGHAME GRAHAM to their ranks to make + the medley complete. If they go on another three months, we shall see + them some Sunday following CUNINGHAME GRAHAM'S red flag as he leads them + to Trafalgar Square, there to be addressed by Alderman JOHN BURNS."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Got into Committee on Civil Service + Estimates.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/180b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180b.png" + alt="Crude and wasteful." /></a> + "Crude and wasteful." + </div> + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Scotch Members made a night of it. Great muster + of the Clans. Government have £265,000 to make over to Scotland in relief + of Local Taxation and promotion of Education. Scotch Members don't object + to the money, but take exception to its plan of distribution. Member + after Member rises from Opposition Benches, biting at hand that proffers + the boon. "Crude and wasteful," BUCHANAN calls this scheme, and Scotch + Members lustily cheer.</p> + + <p>A capital debate of its kind, but not picturesque; Benches empty, only + the LORD-ADVOCATE on the Treasury Bench.</p> + + <p>"I'll tell you how you can manage these fellows, my dear CASABLANCA," + said JEMMY LOWTHER, crossing the Gangway, and seating himself for a + moment by the solitary Minister.</p> + + <p>"Beg your pardon, my name is PEARSON."</p> + + <p>"Of course," said JEMMY, "I know very well; only a quotation; thinking + of the Boy who stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, + doncha. Was going to tell you how you can get out of this trouble. + Fellows opposite righteously indignant at your proposed disposition of + money. Very well; you get up, say you're sorry to have offended; had no + idea you'd made such a mistake; only atonement you can offer is to + withdraw the proposed grant altogether. Then you'll see how they'll sit + up."</p> + + <p>"Excellent idea," said LORD-ADVOCATE. "Shall mention it to GOSCHEN + when he comes back—if he ever does," he added with weary voice, + looking down the deserted Bench. Scotch Members, all unconscious of JEMMY + LOWTHER'S machination, went on talking till midnight, when debate stood + adjourned.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—None.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—In Committee of Supply; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE + thinks opportunity favourable for Prince ARTHUR to tell all he knows + about Dissolution. Prince ARTHUR quite agreeable, but really knows + nothing. Radicals look angry at being thus put off; show signs of + intention to discuss the matter. Mr. G. interposes; makes one of his + bland speeches; wouldn't press question now (a suggestion that pleases + Ministers); by-and-by time will come, then we shall see; whereat SAGE and + his friends brighten up; Mr. G. sits down having pleased everybody; storm + blown off.</p> + + <p>Curious to note the altered condition in atmosphere of House since Mr. + G. came back. Turmoil stopped; restlessness soothed; Ministerial work + goes on smoothly, whilst the GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR looks on + benevolently.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said PRINCE ARTHUR, uneasily, "this is all very well. He holds + back the curs that would snap at our heels; but it's only because he, a + wilier tactician, knows that no practical advantage is to be gained from + that kind of sport. Wait till he thinks the hour has struck, and you'll + see he'll not only let slip the dogs of war, but lead the rush + himself."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee of Supply.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>REMBRANDT, TITIEN, VÉLASQUEZ, ET CIE.<br /> +WHISTLER, SUCCESSEUR.</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/180c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180c.png" + alt="Monsieur Vistlaire" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, what a catalogue! Whatever made you think</p> + <p class="i2">Numbers should mix in a way never seen?</p> + <p>3, that's a flood of milk, 20, a flood of ink,</p> + <p class="i2">Touching a gruel-like sea, that's 15.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next time, to make a delightful variety,</p> + <p class="i2">Hang upside down all the works in your show,</p> + <p>Whilst, on their heads, the <i>élite</i> of Society,</p> + <p class="i2">Gasp, "<i>Fin de Siècle</i>, quite <i>chic</i>, don't you know!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why play such pranks to draw people who scoff? It is</p> + <p class="i2">They to whose critical words you are deaf.</p> + <p>Though in your country you are not a prophet, is</p> + <p class="i2">This how you make one, that's spelt with an F?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Strange that the only kind critic you mention</p> + <p class="i2">Is French. He compares you with REMBRANDT & CO.;</p> + <p>His words seem the sole ones that claim your attention:</p> + <p class="i2">We'll end in his tongue, like the list of your show.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cher Monsieur</i> VISTLAIRE, <i>allez chez la nation</i></p> + <p class="i2"><i>Voisine, et emportez ces œuvres</i> "<i>splendides</i>,"</p> + <p>"<i>Destinées à l'éternité des admirations</i>,"</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Ainsi que dit ce critique candide</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figleft" style="margin-bottom:8em"> <img src="images/pointer.png" alt="pointer" /> </div> + <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</b></p><br clear="all" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +102, April 9th, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14592-h.htm or 14592-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/5/9/14592/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 9th, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 4, 2005 [EBook #14592] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +April 9th, 1892. + + + + +BOAT-RACE DAY. + + _The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith Bridge, + and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sightseers towards + Mortlake. The banks are already occupied--although it still wants half + an hour to the time fixed for the start--by a triple row of the more + patient and prudent spectators. On the left of the path, various more + or less_ Shady Characters _have established their "pitches," and are + doing their best to beguile the unsophisticated._ + +_First Shady Character_ (_presiding over a particoloured roulette board +with a revolving and not unmanageable index_). Three to one any colour you +like! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a layin'.... Pop it on, +you sportsmen! (_Two_ Sportsmen--_a couple of shop-boys_--"_pop it on_," +_in coppers_.) Yaller was your colour--and it _is_ a yaller cap, sure +enough! _I_'m a payin' this time. Try it again! (_They do._) Blue's your +fancy this turn, my lord. And green it _is_! Good ole Hireland for ever! +Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yer +luck--'ave another go. _Red_ did you put your coppers on? And it's _yaller_ +again--and _you _ lose! (_The_ Sportsmen _pass on--with empty pockets_.) +Fairest game _in_ the world! + +_Second S.C._ (_who has been conducting a Confidence Auction from a barrow +and egg-box_). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if you ain't +--(_candidly_)--it don't make no bloomin' difference to me, for I'm +orf--these premises is comin' down fur alterations. [_He gets off the +barrow, shoulders the egg-box, and departs in search of fresh dupes._ + +_A Vendor._ Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and amusement, jest +you stop and invest a penny in this little article I am now about to +introdooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient in the 'ole art +and practice of Photography in the small space of five seconds and a +arf--and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't possible to become an +expert photographer at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. 'Ere I +'old in my 'and a simple little machine, consistin' of a small sheet of +glorss in a gilt frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd-and-forty-one +times, never been bit by a mad dog in my life, and all these articles have +been thoroughly fumigated before leaving the factory, therefore you'll +agree with me you needn't be afraid o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell +me it's nearly died out now--and no wonder, with everythink a cure for +it--but this article is a _certain_ remedy. All you've got to do is to bite +off a corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at the +time, chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, call +for a pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this way--the +minoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the microbe, +preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you to +suffocate 'im with the four ale. (_To the Reader._) Will you allow me to +show you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? kindly 'old it +in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the plate for the space +of a few seconds. (_All of which the Reader, being the soul of courtesy, +obligingly does--and is immediately rewarded by observing the outline of a +donkey's head produced upon the glass._) Now if you'll 'and that round, +Sir, to allow the company to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness-- + [_But here the Reader will probably prefer to pass on._ + +_Third S.C._ (_who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half covered with +a rug, and yelling_). Ow-ow-ow-ow!... Come an' see the wonderful little +popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, walk round, shake +'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where he was keptured! + + [_Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which--as soon + as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing--reveals itself as an + illicit lottery. Speculators purchase numbered tickets freely; balls + are shaken up in the tin box--and the popsy-wopsy invariably gets + distinctly the best of it._ + +[Illustration: "I'm ole Billy Fairplay, _I_ am!"] + +_Fourth S.C._ (_an extremely disreputable-looking old gentleman, with a +cunningly curled piece of tape on a board_), 'Ere, I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, +_I_ am! Come an' try yer fortins at little 'Ide an' Find! Arf a crown yer +don't prick the middle o' this bit o' tape. Bet arf a crown, to win five +shillin's! (_A school-boy sees his way to doubling his last tip, and +speculates._) Wrong agin, my boy! It's old BILLY FAIRPLAY'S luck--for +_once_ in a way! [_The School-boy departs, saddened by this +most unexpected result._ + +_Fifth S.C._ (_a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who is trying +desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too familiar +purse-trick_). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellin' yer all, fair _an_' +frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I _can_; but, if you kin ketch me on my +_merits_, why, _I_ shan't grumble--I'll promise yer that much! Well, +now--(_to a stolid and respectable young Clerk_)--jest to show you don't +know _me_, and I don't know _you_--(_he throws three half-crowns into the +purse_). There, 'old _that_ for me. Shut it. (_The Clerk does so, +grinning._) Thank you--you're a gentleman, though you mayn't look like +it--but perhaps you're one in disguise. _Now_ gimme 'arf a crown for it. +Yer won't? _Any_ one gimme arf a crown for it? Why--(_unprintable +language_)--if ever I see sech a blanky lot o' mugs in _my_ life! 'Ere, +I'll try yer once more! (_He does._) _Now_ oo'll gimme arf a crown for it? +(_To a Genteel Onlooker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible +comment_) "See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter, with a glazier's shop where +yer eye orter be! Well, if anyone had 'a told me I should stand 'ere, on +Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob for arf a crown, and no one with the +ordinary pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my word, I'd have +suspected that man of tellin' me a untruth! (_To a simple-looking +spectator._) Will _you_ 'old this purse for me? Yer will? Well. I like the +manly way yer speak up! (_Here the_ Gent. Onl., _observing a seedy man +slinking about outside, warns the company to "mind their pockets"--which +excites the_ Purse-seller's _just indignation_.) "Ere!--(_to the_ G.O.) you +take _your_ 'ook! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave. You're a bloomin' sight +too officious, _you_ are! Not much in _your_ pockets to mind--'cept the key +o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I'll lay! If you carn't beyave as a +Gentleman _among _ Gentlemen, go 'ome to where you 'ad your 'air cut +last--to Pentonville! (_The_ G.O. _retires._) There, we shall get along +better without '_im_. 'Ow long are you goin' to keep me 'ere? Upon my word +an' honour, it's enough to sicken a man to see what the world's come to! +Where's yer courage? Where's yer own common sense? Where's your faith in +'umin nature? What do yer _expect_? (_Scathingly._) Want me to wrop it up +in a porcel, and send it 'ome for yer? Is _that_ what yer waitin' for! +Dammy, if this goes on, I shall git wild, and take and give the bloomin' +purse a bath! (_The_ Simple Spectator _feels in his pockets--evidently for +a half-crown_.) 'Ere, _you_ look more intelligent than the rest--I'll try +yer jest this once. Jest to show yer don't know me, and--(_Shouts of +"They're off! They're coming!" from the bank; the_ Purse-seller's _audience +suddenly melts away, leaving him alone with the_ Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere, JIM, +we may as well turn it up. 'Ere come them blanky boats! + +_A Juvenile Plunger_ (_with rather a complicated book on the event_). If +Oxford wins, I've got ter git a penny out of 'im, and if Kimebridge wins, +you've got ter git a penny outer _me_! + +_Crowd_ (_as the Crews flash by_). Go it, Oxford! Ox--ford! No, Kimebridge! +Well rowed, Kimebridge!... Oxford wins! No, it don't. _I'll_ lay it don't! +Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was Oxford? The inside one. No, it worn't-- +they was _outside_. Well, Oxford was _leadin_', anyway!... There, _that's_ +all over till next year! Not much to come out for, either--on'y just see +'em for a second or so. Oh, _I_ come out for the lark of it, _I_ do.... +There goes the pidgins orf.... We shan't be long knowin' now.... 'Ere's the +Press Boat comin' back.... There, wot did I _tell_ yer, now? Well, they +didn't orter ha' won. that's all--the others was the best crew.... 'Ere +they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see? Seem friendly enough, too, +considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor, they wouldn't bear no +malice now it's over! + + [_Crowd disperse, and patronise_ "_Popsy Wopsy_," _the Roulette_, _Ole + Billy Fairplay_, _&c._, _&c._, _with renewed zest._ + + * * * * * + +Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much +delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last +understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus." + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM THE WHALER, AND HIS GREAT LONE WHALING EXPEDITION. + +MODERN IMPERIAL GERMAN VERSION. (BY BIZZY THE PILOT.) + +["The arrangements for the German Emperor's Whale-hunting excursion have +been made."--_The Times._] + +[Illustration] + + 'Twas arter he'd got rid o' Me, + Brave boys. + When Will-I-AM he did sa-a-a-ail, + In a bit of a boat + Which would scarcely float, + And he went for to catch a Whale, + Brave boys! + All alone for to catch a Whale. + + His Sire and his Grandsire trusted Me, + Brave boys! + Who was never known for to fa-a-a-il; + But _he_ thought he knew + More than Cap'en _and_ crew, + In the matter o' catching a Whale, + Brave boys! + In the matter o' catching a Whale. + + He'd inwented a new harpoon, + Brave boys + As was shaped on a whoppingish sca-a-a-le + And he thought with delight, + (The "magnanimous" mite!) + He was _going_ to catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He made cocksure o' catching that Whale! + + There were several Whales about, + Brave boys! + Here and there a twitching a ta-a-a-il; + And he thinks, thinks he, + "I will catch all three, + But pertikler that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most pertikler that big black Whale." + + + Enraptured with his bit of a boat, + Brave boys! + He set forth to sea in a g-a-a-a-le; + Which was altogether + The wrong sort o'weather + For a novice to capture a Whale, + Brave boys! + A mere nipper for to capture a Whale. + + + I gives him the best of adwice, + Brave boys! + For I knowed he was bound for to fa-a-a-il; + But he ups, and he offs, + And he snubs me, and he scoffs + At the notion of a-missing that Whale, + Brave boys! + The mere notion of _not_ catching that Whale. + + And he bobbles about on the waves, + Brave boys! + And his stout heart doth not qua-a-a-ail; + He's a foolish little chuck, + But he's got a lot o' pluck, + Still, he will not catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + He ain't going for to catch that Whale. + + There was three whopping Whales in the offing, + Brave boys! + And them he did loudly h-a-a-ail; + But to such a voice as his'n + They worn't a-going to listen, + Especially that big black Whale, + Brave boys! + Most especially that big black Whale. + + He crept up with his big harpoon, + Brave boys! + That monster to impa-a-a-ale, + And stubbornly he kep' on + A hurling of his weapon, + Till he managed to hit that Whale, + Brave boys! + He managed to prick that Whale. + + Then he thought he'd done a mighty clever thing, + Brave boys! + But the Whale gave a fhwisk! with his ta-a-a-ail, + And then vanished from his view, + _With the harpoon wot he threw_, + And WILL-I-AM nearly followed that Whale, + Brave boys! + Wos werry near to _following_ that Whale: + + Then WILL-I-AM the Whaler looked dumfoozled, + Brave boys! + And _I_ sings out--a being within ha-a-a-il-- + "I told you, noble Cap'en, + Exactly wot would happen!" + So--he didn't catch that Whale, + Brave boys! + _No--he never caught that Whale!_ + + * * * * * + +"NAMES AND THEIR MEANING."--_A propos_ of some correspondence in the +_Morning Post_ under the above heading, we would ask, Why not make the +Second Chief Commissioner for the Behring Straits Difficulty, Mr. SEALE +HAYNE, M.P., with Lord SAY AND SELE to speak on the subject, and then sign +the official documents? + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has heard much lately about the "Sandringham Stud" and the "St. +Andrews Links," both of which, she understands, are very large. She can't +make out how gentlemen prefer them to nice, neat little shirt-buttons! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROTHER PASTELLIST. + +[Messrs. GOUPIL admit Artists and Students free to Mr. WHISTLER'S +Exhibition.] + +_Gatekeeper (stopping squalid Stranger)._ "NOW THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" + +_S.S._ "COME TO SEE JIMMY'S SHOW." _Gatekeeper._ "ONE SHILLING, +PLEASE!" + +_S.S._ "NOT ME! I'M A ARTIST--CORNER O' BAKER STREET--CHALKS. LE'MME +THROUGH!" [_Chucked!_] + + * * * * * + +"Signs" of the Times. + + ["He was brought up to speak in the ante-stumping era."--_Lord Rosebery + on Lord Granville._"] + + You do well, my dear Lord, to spread GRANVILLE'S renown. + Knightly, loyal, and courteous to monarch or clown, + He had pluck, and swift speech, though no mere Party Pump. + To our late platform level he hardly worked down; + But the popular sign of _his_ day was "The Crown," + Of _ours_ 'tis "The Magpie and Stump." + + * * * * * + + A PROPHECY AS TO THE U.B.R. + + When the Eights are reaching Chiswick, + One will give the other physic. + + * * * * * + +TWO DROMIOS.--One day last week at Highgate, a certain or uncertain WILLIAM +PEA, horsedealer, was summoned by the Police for furious driving. The +Police knew him well by sight, but not well enough, as he clearly proved +what _Mr. Weller Senior_ called "a alleybi." Evidently Mr. PEA has a +double, and "as like as two Peas" is peculiarly applicable in this case. +For if the other one isn't a Pea, he has been taken for one by the +Pee-lers. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION OF POLITENESS.--Except in the case of a man's father having been +"a big gun" at any time, to call anyone "a Son of a Gun," has hitherto been +considered a gross insult. Is it equally insulting to speak of a Lady as "a +Daughter of a Canon?" + + * * * * * + +AN EMPTY TRIUMPH. + +(_A Story of Show Sunday._) + +It was Show Sunday; lovers of Art were streaming in and out of every Studio +they could hunt up, fired with a laudable ambition to break the record by +the number they visited in the hours between luncheon and dusk. + +[Illustration] + +The residence of so rising a painter as TINTORETTO TICKLER was naturally a +place in which no person of any self-respect would neglect to be seen; and +on this particular afternoon the entrance-hall, sitting-rooms, and studio +were simply choked with an eager throng of friends, acquaintances, and +utter strangers; for TINTORETTO'S lavish hospitality was well known, and no +expense had been spared to give his guests as favourable an impression of +his talent as possible. A couple of knights, clad in complete steel--the +local greengrocer and an Italian model--took the guests' hats, and +announced their names; there were daffodils and azaleas in profusion; the +Red Roumanians performed national airs in the studio-gallery; Italian +mandolinists sang and strummed on the staircase, and, in the dining-room, +trim maid-servants, in becoming white caps and streamers, dispensed coffee, +claret-cup, and ices to a swarm of well-conducted social locusts. + +Just outside his painting-room stood TINTORETTO TICKLER, at the receipt of +compliment, which was abundantly and cheerfully paid. Indeed, the torrent +of congratulation and delicately-expressed eulogy was almost overwhelming. +One lovely and enthusiastic person told him that the sight of his "_Dryad +Disturbing a Beanfeast_" had just marked an epoch in her mental +development, and that she considered it quite the supreme achievement of +the Art of the Century. A ponderous man in spectacles, whom TICKLER had no +recollection of having ever met before in his life, encouraged him by his +solemn assurance that his "_Jews Sitting in a Dentist's Waiting-room, in +the reign of King John_," was perfectly marvellous in its realism and +historical accuracy, and that it ought to become the property of the +Nation; while an elderly lady, in furs and a crimped front, declared that +the pathos of his nursery subject--a child endeavouring to induce a +mechanical rabbit to share its bread-and-milk--was sending her home with +tears in her eyes. Some talked learnedly of his "values," his "atmosphere," +and the subtlety of his modelling; all agreed that he had surpassed himself +and every living artist by his last year's work, and no one made any +mistake about the nature of his subjects, perhaps because--in consideration +for the necessities of the British Art-patron--they had been fully +announced and described in the artistic notes of several Sunday papers. + +When they got outside, it is true, their enthusiasm slightly evaporated; +TICKLER was going off, he was repeating himself, he had nothing that was +likely to produce a sensation this year, and most of his pictures would +probably never be seen again. + +As, however, these last remarks were not made in TINTORETTO'S presence, it +might have been thought that the unmistakable evidences of his success +which he did hear would have rendered him a proud and happy painter,--but +if he was, all that can be said was that he certainly did not look it. He +accepted the most effusive tributes with the same ghastly and conventional +smile; from feminine glances of unutterable gratitude and admiration he +turned away with an inarticulate mumble and an averted eye; at times he +almost seemed to be suppressing a squirm. If expression is any index to the +thoughts, he was neither grateful nor gratified, and distinctly +uncomfortable. + +A painter-friend of his, who had been patiently watching his opportunity to +get a word with him as he stood there exchanging handshakes, managed at +last to get near enough for conversation. "Very glad to find there's no +truth in it!" he began, cordially. "No truth in _what_!" said TICKLER, a +little snappishly, for he was getting extremely fractious, "the +compliments"? + +"No, no, my dear boy. I mean in what a fellow told me outside just +now--that some burglars broke into your studio last night, and carried off +all your canvasses--a lie, of course!" + +"Oh, _that_?" said TICKLER, "that's true enough--they left nothing behind +'em but the beastly frames!" + +"Then what on earth----?" began the other, in perplexity, for another group +was just coming up, beaming with an ecstasy that demanded the relief of +instant expression. + +"Well--er--fact is," explained poor TICKLER, in an undertone, "I _did_ +think of shutting the studio up and getting away somewhere--but my wife +wouldn't hear of it, you know; said it would be such a pity to have had all +the expense and trouble for nothing, and didn't believe the mere absence of +pictures would make any particular difference. And--er--I'm bound to say +that, as you can see for yourself, it _hasn't_!" + +And even as he spoke, he had to resign himself once more to a farewell +burst of positively fulsome appreciation. + + * * * * * + +THE KING AND THE CLOWN. + +[Illustration: PAYNFUL PROCEEDINGS; OR, AFTER THE PANTOMIME'S OVER. + +[See _Times_ Report, Friday last, April 1st, "All Fools' Day."]] + +KING HERBERT CAMPBELL THE FIRST, and HARRY PAYNE, the Clown, were sitting +together, quaffing, after hours, and when work was done, just as in the +good old times was the wont of _The King and the Cobbler_, or _The King and +the Miller_. To them entered a Constable, intent on duty, and no respecter +of persons. Often had he seen the Clown maltreat a policeman on the stage, +nay, had seen him unstuff him, cut his head off and blow him limb from limb +from a gun, and then put him together again; the only mistake being that +the unfortunate official's head was turned the wrong way. So this +Constable, too, looking backwards, as had done the poor pantomimic +policeman, remembered all the slights, insults, and injuries, publicly +inflicted on his cloth for many years, and now rejoiced--Ha! ha!--at last +at having the Clown, the original JOEY, nay, the last of the JOEYS, in his +grasp. + +Poor KING HERBERT the Merry Monarch the Constable pitied, but still +"constabulary duty must be done," as he had heard sung; and remembering +that my Lord Chief Justice, in days gone by, had sent off the Heir Apparent +to prison, so now he the Constable, in the name of the Law, would hale KING +HERBERT before the Magistrate. So King and Clown were had up accordingly. +Did the Clown whimper, and cry, "Oh, please, Sir, it wasn't me, Sir; it was +t'other boy, Sir!" and did the good King prepare to meet his fate like a +man? and was he ready to put his head cheerfully on the wig-block and +declare with his latest breath (up to 12.55 P.M.) that in his closing hours +he died for the benefit of the Public? We know not--except that both +delinquents were let off--like squibs--and Mine Host, the Boniface, had to +pay all the fines. He at all events had a Fine old time of it! _Sic +transit_! So fitly ends the long run of a good Pantomime. _Finis coronat +opus_! + + * * * * * + +The Volunteer Review at Dover. + +_General Idea of Officers in Command._--To make as few mistakes as possible +in handling some thousands of imperfectly-drilled and entirely +undisciplined bodies of men. + +_The same of the Rank and File._--To spend an annual holiday in marching +and counter-marching, and then, after thirty miles of moving over a heavy +country, to return to London dead beat. + + * * * * * + +EFFECTIVELY SETTLING IT.--A "par" in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday +informed us that "The Bishop of EXETER administered, yesterday, the rite of +confirmation to thirty-eight patients of the Western Counties' Idiot Asylum +at Starcross. This is the first time such a rite has been conferred upon +inmates of this institution." Very hard on these inmates, as, previous to +the ceremony there might have been some hope of their recovery; but now +they have become "confirmed idiots." + + * * * * * + +ODE TO A GIRAFFE. + +(_On hearing that the Solitary Specimen at the Zoo had just died._) + +[Illustration] + + So Death has paid the Zoo a call, + And claimed you for his own, + Who "neck or nothing" had been left + To bloom--and die--alone. + From far I gazed into your face, + I did not know your name, + You looked uncomfortable, but + I loved you all the same. + + Your neck _was_ just a trifle long, + I think you must confess. + I've often thought if, as a fact, + You could have done with less. + But we must take you all in all, + And so I hear with pain + That probably we shall not look + Upon your like again. + + I could have spared a buffalo + Or elephant with ease, + An armadillo, or a bear, + A dozen chimpanzees. + When _Jumbo_ left for foreign skies, + I did not shed a tear, + For though his _Alice_ mourned his loss, + I knew that _you_ were here. + + You've gone to heaven, if that's where + The good giraffes all go. + I wonder if you'll ever see + What happens down below. + I hope, for your own comfort, not, + But, if you ever do, + Please recognise me as the Man + Who sadly haunts the Zoo. + + * * * * * + +THE POET AND THE SONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I HAD a thought, a dainty thought, + A quaint and cunning fancy, + I said, "A theme with humour fraught + Within my grasp I can see. + This thought will work into a set + Of verses fit for singing." + A voice rasped, "Oh, a deal o' wet!" + And off that thought went winging. + + And once again that thought returned, + With yet more brightness on it-- + This time with the desire I burned + To weave it in a sonnet. + I'd get an artist chum to do + The subject in a rare cut. + Alas! before 'twas grasped it flew, + Alarmed by, "Git yer 'air cut!" + + I strayed in silent solitude + That lost thought to recover, + And, as my journey I pursued, + 'Twould still around me hover. + Almost I grasped, one fatal day, + That fancy, quaint and clever, + A cad shrieked, "Tara-boom-de-ay!" + And off it flew--for ever! + + * * * * * + +SUNDAY OBSERVANCE. + +[Illustration] + + WHAT a shocking state of things, + Oh, my goodness, Mrs. GRUNDY! + There's a man that plays and sings + In a Blackpool hall on Sunday! + + Oh, what wickedness, oh, dear! + Sunday music! What a scandal! + Folks might even go and hear + Things by HAYDN or by HANDEL! + + Rush and find some obsolete + Act of wise and pious GEORGES, + Which will help us to defeat + Such abominable orgies! + + But here's worse news, I declare; + Gracious patience, Mrs. GRUNDY! + Eastbourne people cannot bear + Nice Salvation bands on Sunday! + + Acts, not words, again we need, + Just to show them they are silly. + Sunday Music stopped? Indeed, + They _must_ like it, willy nilly! + + * * * * * + +THEATRES AND MUSIC HALLS COMMISSION. + +(_A Matinee, by Our Own Reporter._) + +[Illustration] + +IN reply to Mr. WOODALL, Mr. J.L. TOOLE said he was happy to come there. +_Name is JOHN LAWRENCE TOOLE_? Yes. "JACK with my familiars,"--hem!-- +SHAKSPEARE. Being in Witness-box,--JACK in the Box. _What he would take_? +Nothing, thanks, not even his oath. He was quite prepared to kiss the +book--in the absence of the belle. Little joke that--has heard of "bell, +book, and candle." Couldn't bring the candle in,--would if he could, +though, just to--ahem!--make it a light entertainment. Would they excuse +his glove? What did they want to know? _Whether the sanitary arrangements +at his Theatre were good_? Rather--he could only say they were "fust-rate." +A 1, in fact, like the performance. The house held over two thousand +pounds, and was crowded nightly to see _Walker, London. Did he consider the +structure safe_? Of course he did--safe as Houses--that is, safe as his +houses for _Walker, London_ were going to be for the next three years and a +half, when his tenancy would expire, and he should then be in the Army. +_Did the Committee want to know how it was that he would be in the Army_? +He'd tell them; because, when he gave up that Theatre, he would be a "Left +Tenant." Not bad that, for a beginner. We're a getting on, we are. As to +ventilation--well, he couldn't have too much ventilation for _Walker, +London_. He should like it aired everywhere. _Then the Committee might take +it that he was satisfied with the structure_? Well--if they put it in that +way--yes--he thought the structure a bit faulty---but what's the odds as +long as the public like the piece? He didn't consider _Walker, London_, a +model of dramatic construction, but he looked upon the House Boat built on +the stage as quite a model of construction; the end of the piece was a bit +hazy, and he didn't yet know why everybody allowed him to go off with the +punt, which they wouldn't get back, unless his friend, Mr. SHELTON, who was +splendidly made up as a riverside boatman, brought it back, and, begging +the Committee's pardon if they'd excuse his glove, he couldn't tell; not +that it was a secret, because the clever author, a very nice retiring chap +called BARRIE, hadn't confided it to him,--but--what was he saying?--oh, +yes--he couldn't tell how it was all the characters on board didn't see +ELIZA JOHNSON as _Sarah_ in the punt. But as _Walker_ says, "Oh, that's +nothing! that's nothing!" _The Chairman wished to know if there is an +egress at the back of the Theatre?_ He (Mr. TOOLE) did not remember ever +having seen a negress there. There were two beautiful young ladies--Miss +IRENE VANBRUGH and Miss MARY ANSELL--now playing, and, he might say it who +shouldn't, playing charmingly in _Walker, London_. _The Chairman didn't +mean that_. No? But _he_ (Mr. TOOLE) did, and he might add, though "it was +nothing, a mere nothing," that the performance of his three young men--Mr. +C.M. LOWNE, as the sensible lover; Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS, as the young medical +student; and Mr. CECIL RAMSEY, as "W.G.," a youthful athlete, was +admirable. They were all in _Walker, London_. In reply to Mr. T.H. BOLTON, +who wished to know _if the Witness considered his Theatre a substantial +edifice_, Mr. TOOLE said that he certainly did, because, you see, the +Theatre would never go to pieces as long as the pieces went to the Theatre, +and as long as it was supported by the public. _Have I any complaint_? +Nothing to speak of, except a touch of gout. Oh, beg pardon, you meant +_complaint as to the Theatre_? Oh, no, except it's not large enough to hold +the millions who can't be crammed in nightly. Has an excellent Acting +Manager in Mr. GEORGE LEE, and as to friend BILLINGTON'S stage-management +of the House Boat (the scene, he might say, was painted by Mr. HARKER, a +name not unknown at the Mansion House), it is the best thing of the sort +ever done. Any evening that Mr. PLUNKET, Mr. WOODALL, or Mr. BOLTON, or any +other of the Honourable Gentlemen would like to look in and see _Walker, +London_, they have only to send to the Box Office, or any of the Libraries, +and book in advance--he couldn't say fairer than that--because it was +advice that he always gave to "Friend IRVING," and which he had adopted. No +more? Hope he doesn't intrude. Would the Committee excuse his glove? Yes? +Then, remember, _Walker, London_. + +Mr. J.L. TOOLE then hurried out. After his departure it was found that all +the spectators had on their backs adhesive labels advertising _Walker, +London_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WARNING. + +_Archie_ (_to his Sister, who has been reading him Fairy Tales_). "WON'T +THERE BE A LOT OF _US_, IF NONE OF US GO AND GET MARRIED? WORSE THAN _HOP +O'MY THUMB_!" + +_Sister._ "YES; BUT YOU KNOW _I_ MEAN TO BE MARRIED!" + +_Archie._ "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'D GO AND LIVE ALONE WITH A MAN AFTER +READING _BLUEBEARD_?"] + + * * * * * + +A WAITING GAME. + +WARY WILLIAM, _loquitur_:-- + + _Drat that dog_! + Dogs are mixed,--like men. + Few know how to _jog_; + Hasty tongue and pen, + Many a bungler bog, + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + Lots of dogs I've bred. + Most want whip, a deal. + This one, be it said, + Is more hot than leal; + Wants to go ahead, + Hates to come to heel! + + Skies are overcast; + Slowly comes the spring, + Quarry's tracked--at last, + Strong, though, on the wing. + Steady! Not so fast! + Waiting game's the thing. + + 'Tother WILLIAM'S style + Rather spoiled this pup. + _Steady_! Wait awhile! + H-RC-RT's like a Krupp. + I can stroll, and smile-- + Till the birds get up. + + Half-bred dogs--well, well, + Mustn't talk like that! + Else they'll call _me_ "swell." + _Down! What are you at_? + Scurry and pell-mell + Do not 'bell the cat.' + + Sport is not a mere + Game of "Spill and pelt" + Patience! End is near. + _Down_! Brute wants a welt! + Modern breed runs queer; + That I long have felt. + + 'Tother WILLIAM snorts, + L-BBY only grins; + But at most all sports + It is _judgment_ wins. + Breed, though, now consorts + With mongrels--for its sins! + + Long the sport I've loved, + Mean to try again, + I should be reproved + Did I speak too plain: + But--are dogs improved + By that Irish strain? + + Steady, my lad, steady! + Nearly slipped me then! + You're too hot and heady-- + (Like no end of men!--) + _Near_!--but not _quite_ ready. + Steady! _I_'ll say when! + + * * * * * + +VESTRYMEN CLIMBING DOWN.--Say the unfortunate Nonconformist Vestrymen of +St. George's, Southwark,--"We won't pay the Rector's Rate; but we won't go +to prison, at any rate." + + * * * * * + +PRUDES AND NUDES. + + [An "Officer of high rank" has written to _Truth_, complaining of the + naked statues and pictures he saw at Londonderry House, at a sale on + behalf of Irish Home Industries.] + + ATTEND and hear the story of a most uncommon _militaire_, + Whom the sight of naked statues caused to tingle to his boots, + Who was seen to beat his breast, and (which was far more flat and silly) + tear + His hair by blushing handfuls from its shocked and modest roots. + + It was dreadful! There were Duchesses (Heav'n bless their handsome + faces!) + And a host of pretty Countesses, and Maidens by the score, + And they sold some Irish Industries--embroideries and laces-- + And MADGE described to AMY all the pretty frocks they wore. + + But the statues and the paintings didn't seem at all to worry them, + Having work to do they did it just as quiet as a mouse, + Though this soldier took his daughter and his wife, and tried to hurry + them + In the cause of outraged virtue far from Londonderry House. + + So when next he goes where statues are, we'll do our best to hide them, + Since to prudes all things are prudish, lest his modesty take hurt. + Though some one else, perhaps, may write, and say he can't abide them, + When Apollo stands in trousers, or when Venus wears a skirt. + + * * * * * + +FROM ROBERT.--"Sir, I'm proud of my furrin co-profeshunal LHEROT, the +himminint Waiter, wot nobbled the bomb-ta-ra (hif I may so igspress my +sentimenx) waggybun, RAVACHOL. This Waiter is wot my french frend calls a +'_Tray bong Gassong_,' and the wunnerful manner the french Waiters has of +carryin a tray loded with drinkabels is worthy of the hippythep. He sez +orlso has is name, hinsted of LHEROT, ort to be andid down to posterittory +as 'L'HEROS'--wich word as rote down by hisself means 'The Hero.' He got a +1000 Franks, wich is rayther more nor wos ever got by one BOB." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WAITING GAME. + +THE OLD KEEPER. "GENTLY! GENTLY!--MY BEAUTY! I'LL SAY '_WHEN_'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REALLY PLEASANT! + +SIX MILES FROM HOME, HORSE DEAD LAME, AWFULLY TENDER FEET, AND HORRIBLY +TIGHT BOOTS.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOAT-RACE NOVEL. + +STONYBROKE. + +CHAPTER I. + +IT was the eve of the University Boat-Race. In the remote East the gorgeous +August sun was sinking to his rest behind the purple clouds, gilding with +his expiring rays the elevated battlements of Aginanwater Court, the +ancestral seat of His Grace the Duke of AVADRYNKE, K.C.B., G.I.N., whose +Norman features might have been observed convulsively pressed against the +plate-glass window of his alabaster dining-hall. There was in the +atmosphere a strange electric hush, scarcely broken by the myriad voices of +hoarse betting-men, raucously roaring out the market odds of "Fifty to one. +Oxbridge!" or "Two ponies to a thick 'un, Camford!" Well would it have been +for the Duke of AVADRYNKE had he never offered the hospitality of his +famous river-side residence to the Oxbridge Crew. But the Duke had the +courage of his ancient boating-race whose banner waved proudly upon the +topmost turret, bearing upon its crimson folds the proud family motto, +"_Dum Vivo Bibo_." + +And the sun went down, and within Aginanwater Court the sounds of wild +revelry shook the massive beams. + +CHAPTER II. + +THE Oxbridge Crew still sat in the marble supper-room, amid the _debris_ of +the feast that the Duke's Seneschal had laid out for them. The floor was +paved with Magnums and Maximums of the best Heidanseekerer champagne, most +of them as empty as the foolish head of the Duchess of AVADRYNKE, which was +at that moment reposing upon the brawny chest of Lord PODOPHLIN, the +celebrated No. 5 of the Oxbridge Crew. On a raised dais at the end of the +room the ladies of the Tarara _corps de ballet_ were performing the final +steps of the Sinuous Shadow-dance, specially dedicated to the Oxbridge Crew +by the _chef d'orchestre_ of Tarara's Halls. + +"May I be jiggered," observed the Oxbridge President, Sir WELFORARD +LONGSTROKE, as he selected his fourth regalia from the Duke's pearl- +encrusted box, and lit it with all the _abandon_ of a Society darling, "may +I be jiggered if this is not ripping! What say you?" he continued, +addressing young PULYER WRIGHT, the Coxswain, and tossing him playfully +four times to the raftered ceiling--"shall we not beat the dastard foe from +Camford to-morrow?" A roar of applause sprang from the smoking mouths of +his seven companions. + +But at this moment the Duchess of AVADRYNKE and Lord PODOPHLIN rose +unobserved and quitted the room. In another minute the sound of hurrying +wheels, gradually growing fainter in the distance, was heard by no one in +the avenue. And the dance went on, and revelry rose to its maddest pitch. +But no one, who, as has been recorded above, had heard the sound of the +wheels, gave a thought to the Duke of AVADRYNKE, as he sat tearing his hair +in the violet bedroom, having learnt from the faithful Seneschal the +terrible news of the Duchess's elopement with the heir to the house of +PODOPHLIN. + +CHAPTER III. + +THE morn of the race dawned clear and sparkling. Far as the eye could +reach, the banks of the river were rich with Millions, and firm enough to +bear any run upon them however heavy. But Sir WELFORARD LONGSTROKE was ill +at ease. His No. 5 had fled leaving no trace, and he had no one to fill the +vacancy. He looked the very model of an aquatic hero. His broad chest was +loosely clad in a pair of blue satin shorts, and his fair hair fell in +waving masses over his muscular back. His thoughts were bitter. The Camford +crew had started on the race some ten minutes ago, and the Oxbridge craft +still waited idly in the docks for want of a No. 5. + +"Surely," Sir WELFORARD thought to himself, "PODOPHLIN might have postponed +the elopement for one day." A confused noise interrupted his meditations. +Some ten yards from him a man roughly clad, but with the immense muscular +development of the Arri Furnese Apollo, was engaged in fighting three +bargees at once. As Sir WELFORARD stepped forward, this individual struck a +terrible blow. His ponderous fist, urged by the force of a thirty-inch +biceps, crashed through the chest of his first foe, severed the head of the +second from his body, and struck the third, a tall man, full in the +midriff, propelling him through the air into the middle of the river. +"That's enough for one day," he said, as with an air of haughty melancholy +he removed his clay-pipe from his mouth. His face seemed familiar to Sir +WELFORARD. Who could he be? All doubt was removed when he advanced, grasped +Sir WELFORARD by the hand, and, in tones broken with emotion, said, "Don't +you recognise me? I am your old College chum, Viscount STONYBROKE." + +CHAPTER IV. + +"SAVED! Saved!" shouted Sir WELFORARD, joyously--"there is yet time!" Then, +rushing into rhyme, he asked, "Will you row in the race, In PODOPHLIN'S +place?" + +[Illustration: Touching Finale.] + +"Will I row in the race?" repeated Lord STONYBROKE--"just won't I!" And, +without removing his hobnails, or his corduroys, he sprang lightly into the +Oxbridge racing-boat. The rest is soon told. In less time than it takes to +narrate the story, the Camford lead was wiped out. The exertion proved too +much for seven men in the Oxbridge Crew, but the gigantic strength of the +eighth, Lord STONYBROKE, was sufficient of itself to win the race by fifty +lengths. And that night, when the Prime Minister handed to him the reward +of victory in the shape of a massive gold dessert service, he was also able +to announce that the STONYBROKE estates and the STONYBROKE title had been, +by the Monarch's command, restored to their original possessor, as a reward +of conspicuous valour and strength. [THE END.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS WAX-WORKS. THE CHIEF GROUPS.] + + * * * * * + +Walt Whitman. + + "The good grey Poet" gone! Brave, hopeful WALT! + He might not be a singer without fault, + And his large rough-hewn rhythm did not chime + With dulcet daintiness of time and rhyme. + He was no neater than wide Nature's wild, + More metrical than sea-winds. Culture's child, + Lapped in luxurious laws of line and lilt, + Shrank from him shuddering, who was roughly built + As cyclopean temples. Yet there rang + True music through his rhapsodies, as he sang + Of brotherhood, and freedom, love and hope, + With strong wide sympathy which dared to cope + With all life's phases, and call nought unclean. + Whilst hearts are generous, and whilst woods are green, + He shall find hearers, who, in a slack time + Of puny bards and pessimistic rhyme, + Dared to bid men adventure and rejoice. + His "yawp barbaric" was a human voice; + The singer was a man. America + Is poorer by a stalwart soul to-day, + And may feel pride that she hath given birth + To this stout laureate of old Mother Earth. + + * * * * * + +OUR CRICKETERS.--The English Cricketing Team came to the end of their +Australian tour last week, where, under the leadership of Lord SHEFFIELD, +out of twenty-six matches they won thirteen, lost two, and eleven were +drawn. The Eleven of course were drawn over and over again, _i.e._, +photographed. It will henceforth be a recommendation for any Cricketer to +say he was out under this distinguished captaincy, as to this introduction +the host will rejoin, "Ah, I know that man, he comes from SHEFFIELD." Not +only were the English team successful playfully, but also artistically, as +in every match they played with GRACE. + + * * * * * + +BRAWLING AT HOME AND ABROAD.--On the same day in the papers appeared +accounts of brawling in a Church in Paris, where a free fight ensued and no +police interfered, and of a row in a Church in London Road, when the police +walked off with an anti-curate and put an end to the disturbance. Some +things we _do_ manage better in England. + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY CLASSICS.--Of the Guildhall Loan Collection, Mr. Deputy HORA is the +Chairman. As a Deputy must be a representative officer--except, perhaps, in +the case of a "Depitty Sawbones," _vide Sam Weller_--the temporary motto of +the Deputy's Ward might well be, "_Hora pro nobis_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW COMET. + +["Mr. DENNING, whose name is well known as a comet-finder, discovered a +_small_ FAINT _Comet_ on Friday, March 18, at Bishopton, Bristol."-- +_Times_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HASTY! + +_Mary._ "IF MISSUS DON'T WITHDRAW WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME, I SHALL LEAVE +THE HOUSE!" + +_Thomas._ "WHAT DID SHE SAY?" + +_Mary._ "SHE SAID, 'I GIVE YOU A MONTH'S NOTICE!'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Seymour-Keay.] + +_House of Commons, Monday. March 28._--Strange sight witnessed in House +to-night. Subject of Debate, Indian Council Bill; Benches nearly full. Pup +and dog, I've known the House for nineteen years, and never before saw the +like. Explanation not found in fact of CURZON making his maiden speech as +Minister in charge of Bill, though that had some influence at outset. Able +speech it proved, our newest Minister having the great gift of lucidity. It +was later than that when House filled, nearly two hours later, for in +meantime SCHWANN had delivered Address as long as the Ganges, and MACLEAN +(who was waiting his turn to speak) says, nearly as muddy. + +Curious how India seems to affect eminent orators, making them for the time +pointless, dull, and above all, verbose. Probably no subject other than +India could unite such galaxy of born orators and debaters. SWIFT MACNEILL, +RICHARD TEMPLE, SAMUEL SMITH, OCTAVIUS MORGAN, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON and +SEYMOUR-KEAY--one followed the other as in a necklet of diamonds gem +succeeds gem, till the wearied eyesight can scarce decide which is the more +brilliant. SEYMOUR-KEAY was, indeed, too much for the SPEAKER, who thrice +called him to order, the last time with stern voice and threatening brow +that made SEYMOUR tremble from the altitude of his boot-heels. + +It was none of these who filled the House with Members listening intently +to a speech on internal affairs of India, It was Mr. G. who performed the +miracle. No one expected to find him in this galley; being there, the banks +were rapidly crowded with a throng lost in admiration of his strong, swift, +graceful stroke. Difficult to say which the most admirable, the lofty +height, far above the littleness of Party conflict, from which he surveyed +the topic, the charm of his language or the dexterity with which, without +seeming to rebuke the follower who had moved the Amendment and the eminent +men who were prepared to support it, he sustained the Ministry in their +effort to reconstruct the Indian Councils, and suggested that the Amendment +should with all haste be put into the fire. Whilst SCHWANN appropriated an +hour of the Sitting, and SEYMOUR-KEAY exceeded that time, twenty-five +minutes served Mr. G. for a speech delivered without note, apparently +without preparation, and which left nothing more to be said. + +"Upon my word, Sir," I said, a little out of breath trying to keep pace +with him running up the Duke of YORK'S steps going home to dinner, "you +grow younger every year, and, if I may say so, mellower." + +"You certainly may say so, TOBY, if you like," he smilingly replied, "but +the calendar says otherwise." + +"What," I asked-- + + "What has the calendar to do + With Mr. G.? What Time's fruitless tooth + With gay immortals such as you, + Whose years but emphasise your youth?" + +"Ah, I know that--with a slight difference. LOWELL wrote it to WENDEL +HOLMES on his seventy-fifth birthday. I knew HOLMES too; he used to crow +over me because he was just four months older, and yet, as he said, whilst +I pleaded age as a reason why I could not visit the United States, he +crossed the Atlantic at seventy-seven. Perhaps when I've got this Home-Rule +question off my hands, I may find time to go to the United States." + +"Yes," I said, "you'll be another year younger then, and more at leisure." + +_Business done._--Indian Council Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration: R. Cuninghame Graham.] + +_Tuesday._--Some sensation created at Morning Sitting by discovery of +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM addressing House from Conservative Benches. There was a +well-known Member of the Parliament of 1874 who hit upon new device for, as +he reckoned, doubling his chance of catching SPEAKER'S eye. Noted that +SPEAKER called alternately upon Members from either side. If debate were +opened from Opposition Benches, SPEAKER would next turn to other side of +House, and call on Ministerialist. Happy thought occurred to our old +friend. After rising several times from his seat below Gangway on +Opposition Benches, and been passed over by SPEAKER in favour of another, +he, whilst Member was speaking, crossed floor of House, and, when speech +concluded, jumped up from other side. Being again ignored by the startled +SPEAKER, went back to own place again to try his chances there. Don't +remember that the manoeuvre was a success. Certainly not been generally +adopted. + +GRAHAM seems now to have recurred to it; or can it be the case that he, +too, has joined "the Gentlemen of England"? House so agitated by this +problem, that it quite loses thread of debate; a thrilling discussion, to +which FERGUSSON contributed a luminous speech, upon the Telephone. + +WILFRID LAWSON much interested in new development of affairs. + +"The Government," he says, "if only with the instincts of self- +preservation, should hasten the Dissolution. If they go on a little longer, +no saying what they may come to, with JOE as their principal champion in +town and country, with JOHN REDMOND as their favourite orator; led into the +Lobby the other day by BURT against the Eight Hours Bill, they only want to +recruit CUNINGHAME GRAHAM to their ranks to make the medley complete. If +they go on another three months, we shall see them some Sunday following +CUNINGHAME GRAHAM'S red flag as he leads them to Trafalgar Square, there to +be addressed by Alderman JOHN BURNS." + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Civil Service Estimates. + +[Illustration: "Crude and wasteful."] + +_Thursday._--Scotch Members made a night of it. Great muster of the Clans. +Government have L265,000 to make over to Scotland in relief of Local +Taxation and promotion of Education. Scotch Members don't object to the +money, but take exception to its plan of distribution. Member after Member +rises from Opposition Benches, biting at hand that proffers the boon. +"Crude and wasteful," BUCHANAN calls this scheme, and Scotch Members +lustily cheer. + +A capital debate of its kind, but not picturesque; Benches empty, only the +LORD-ADVOCATE on the Treasury Bench. + +"I'll tell you how you can manage these fellows, my dear CASABLANCA," said +JEMMY LOWTHER, crossing the Gangway, and seating himself for a moment by +the solitary Minister. + +"Beg your pardon, my name is PEARSON." + +"Of course," said JEMMY, "I know very well; only a quotation; thinking of +the Boy who stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, doncha. +Was going to tell you how you can get out of this trouble. Fellows opposite +righteously indignant at your proposed disposition of money. Very well; you +get up, say you're sorry to have offended; had no idea you'd made such a +mistake; only atonement you can offer is to withdraw the proposed grant +altogether. Then you'll see how they'll sit up." + +"Excellent idea," said LORD-ADVOCATE. "Shall mention it to GOSCHEN when he +comes back--if he ever does," he added with weary voice, looking down the +deserted Bench. Scotch Members, all unconscious of JEMMY LOWTHER'S +machination, went on talking till midnight, when debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done._--None. + +_Friday._--In Committee of Supply; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE thinks +opportunity favourable for Prince ARTHUR to tell all he knows about +Dissolution. Prince ARTHUR quite agreeable, but really knows nothing. +Radicals look angry at being thus put off; show signs of intention to +discuss the matter. Mr. G. interposes; makes one of his bland speeches; +wouldn't press question now (a suggestion that pleases Ministers); +by-and-by time will come, then we shall see; whereat SAGE and his friends +brighten up; Mr. G. sits down having pleased everybody; storm blown off. + +Curious to note the altered condition in atmosphere of House since Mr. G. +came back. Turmoil stopped; restlessness soothed; Ministerial work goes on +smoothly, whilst the GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR looks on benevolently. + +"Yes," said PRINCE ARTHUR, uneasily, "this is all very well. He holds back +the curs that would snap at our heels; but it's only because he, a wilier +tactician, knows that no practical advantage is to be gained from that kind +of sport. Wait till he thinks the hour has struck, and you'll see he'll not +only let slip the dogs of war, but lead the rush himself." + +_Business done._--In Committee of Supply. + + * * * * * + +REMBRANDT, TITIEN, VELASQUEZ, ET CIE. WHISTLER, SUCCESSEUR. + +[Illustration] + + Oh, what a catalogue! Whatever made you think + Numbers should mix in a way never seen? + 3, that's a flood of milk, 20, a flood of ink, + Touching a gruel-like sea, that's 15. + + Next time, to make a delightful variety, + Hang upside down all the works in your show, + Whilst, on their heads, the _elite_ of Society, + Gasp, "_Fin de Siecle_, quite _chic_, don't you know!" + + Why play such pranks to draw people who scoff? It is + They to whose critical words you are deaf. + Though in your country you are not a prophet, is + This how you make one, that's spelt with an F? + + Strange that the only kind critic you mention + Is French. He compares you with REMBRANDT & CO.; + His words seem the sole ones that claim your attention: + We'll end in his tongue, like the list of your show. + + _Cher Monsieur_ VISTLAIRE, _allez chez la nation_ + _Voisine, et emportez ces oeuvres_ "_splendides_," + "_Destinees a l'eternite des admirations_," + _Ainsi que dit ce critique candide_! + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +102, April 9th, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14592.txt or 14592.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/5/9/14592/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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