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We can quite understand this reluctance to + being born a German just now.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove + beyond doubt that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans + would have won this battle.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German military authorities have declined to introduce + bathless days. Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal + habits that the Teuton does not pursue to a vicious excess.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the + Midland Railway owing to the publicity given by the + FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's one-and-ninepenny luncheon + basket. Many people are finding it more economical to purchase + a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the train than to + go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round + has been laid by a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood + that a proposal by the FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard + should be adopted as the compulsory minimum for the duration of + the War is meeting with some opposition from Mr. PROTHERO.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the + <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>. We understand that, acting upon this + advice, several high command officers have volunteered to + sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from + the date of their leaving work to those employees who until + recently have been held under arrest for participation in the + Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of making them a grant for Kit + and Field allowances has not yet come under consideration.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take + flowers with them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral + shall be a quiet one.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories + for the U.S. Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted + by a British firm. The explanation is of course that the former + are primarily designed to enforce universal peace.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to + assist in farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians—a + jeweller, a hairdresser and a tailor. His complaint is, we + understand, that while he wanted his land to be well-dressed he + didn't want it overdone.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/69a.png"><img width="320" + src="images/69a.png" + alt="Nature's tactless mimicry." /></a> + + <h4>NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.</h4>CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED + BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS. + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the + announcement that it is still open for business, the action of + the Court having only deprived it of the right to sell + intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of + <i>Hamlet</i> without the familiar spirit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON + CHURCHILL in a recent address. Germany, we are happy to state, + is war-weary and will soon be Maximilian-Hardened.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has + been settled once for all. "The War has provided many incidents + for this revue," says a stage paper of a new production.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in + East Essex. The general idea is not new, though it is more + usual to plant a rose-garden round your pig-sty, as a + corrective.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official + prohibition of "fishing, washing and bathing" in the St. + James's Park pond is superfluous, as the pond was dried up two + years ago. In view of the exceptional severity of the weather + the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by + another merely prohibiting skating.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider + proposals for the reform of the British Consular service. The + suggestion, however, that not more than seventy-five per cent. + of our Consular representatives should be natives of Germany + and the countries of her Allies seems a little too drastic.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a + really ideal soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the + Inns of Court O.T.C. On the other hand we still have a number + of distinguished soldiers who before the War attached paramount + importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the + view of mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened + streets. It is pointed out that the use of luminous language + has already proved of extreme value in critical situations.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley + Tribunal to an employer who was said to have an indoor staff of + thirteen servants. As a beginning he proposes to take a reef in + the butler.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will + adversely affect the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says + a manager, "require chocolate in the cinema." It is feared that + they will have to go back to the old-fashioned plan of chewing + the corner of the programme.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's + shop. No blame attaches, we understand, to the driver, who + sounded his gong three times.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <h3>TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.</h3> + + <blockquote> + [The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the + fighting on the Somme. At the close a statement is thrown + upon the screen to the effect that the Germans have + "reached the appointed goal."] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>On footer fields two goals are situated,</p> + + <p class="i2">One, as a rule, at either end:</p> + + <p>This for attack (in front) is indicated,</p> + + <p class="i2">And this (to rearward) you defend;</p> + + <p>In your remark projected on the screen</p> + + <p class="i2">You don't say which you mean.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you refer to ours in that ambiguous</p> + + <p class="i2">And filmy phrase, why then you lie;</p> + + <p>And if to yours—we hope to be contiguous</p> + + <p class="i2">To our objective by-and-by,</p> + + <p>But for the present, though the end is sure,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your statement's premature.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In fact—to follow up the sporting image</p> + + <p class="i2">In which you "reach the appointed + goal"—</p> + + <p>With many a loose and many a tight-packed + scrimmage</p> + + <p class="i2">Forward and back the fight will roll,</p> + + <p>Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line</p> + + <p class="i2">(This represents the Rhine).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And wish the call of Time were blown,</p> + + <p>To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring</p> + + <p class="i2">Gratuitously on his own,</p> + + <p>You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a + straw)</p> + + <p class="i2">To make the thing a draw.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll</p> + + <p class="i2">Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at + last,</p> + + <p>Not having checked those breaches with his + whistle,</p> + + <p class="i2">He wants to blow the final blast;</p> + + <p>Time will be called, I fancy, when the score</p> + + <p class="i2">Suits us, and not before.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: + On the Telephone</i>).</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are + you there, I say?</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> All right, all right. Who's talking?</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the + KAISER.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> Is that you, WILLIE?</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much + time.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> I say, the most awful thing has happened. + The Allies have sent me an Ultimatum.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> A what?</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> An Ultimatum.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> I say, old man, you really must speak + louder and more plainly. I can't hear a word you say.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did + you hear that time?</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Yes, most of it.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> Well.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> What do you think about it?</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Not very much. Lots of other people have + had ultimatums and haven't been one pfennig the worse for + them.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> Oh, but this is the very last thing in + ultimatums. It's a regular ultimatissimum.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> What do they want you to do?</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> All sorts of disagreeable things. For + instance, I am to move my troops to the Peloponnese, so as to + get them out of harm's way.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well, move them. What are troops for + except to be moved about? You can always move them back again, + you know. I keep on moving troops forward and backward all the + time. It's a mere nothing when you once get accustomed to it. + Just you try it and see. Anything more?</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> Yes; I'm to release from prison the + followers of the pestilential VENIZELOS.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> That's unpleasant, of course, for a + patent Greek War-Lord; but I should do it if I were you, and + then you can let me know how it feels.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> Look here, William, I don't know what's the + matter with you, but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny. + You seem to think the whole affair's a sort of German joke. So + it is, by Zeus—that's to say it's no joke at all.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Manners, TINO, manners.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> I'm sick and tired of all this talk.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> If you go on like that I shall not talk + to you any more.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> Don't say that; I could not bear such a + loss. But, seriously, are you going to help as you + promised?</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> I cannot help you now. You must play for + time.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> I've exhausted all the possibilities of + playing for time. It wouldn't be the least good. They really + mean it this time, and they've given me a strictly limited + period for compliance.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well, I suppose you know best, but I + should have thought you could have spun out negotiations for a + hit—given them a little promise here and a little promise + there on the chance of something turning up.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> The long and the short of it is that you + promised to help us, but it was only a little promise here or + there, and you don't mean to keep it. I shall accept the + ultimatum.</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> The what? The telephone's buzzing + again.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> The ULTIMATUM!!</p> + + <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means + accept it. And, by the way, I'm publishing a volume of my + War-speeches, and will make a point of sending you an early + copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.</p> + + <p><i>The King.</i> Gr-r-r.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Our Helpful Government.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL + ADVICE."—<i>Daily Express.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>Journalistic Modesty.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the <i>Daily + Gazette</i> already exceeds that of last year's Christmas + Number by more than 50 per cent. The sell is still going on + actively."—<i>Daily Gazette (Karachi).</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Yes, I think we have it at last—I mean the + stranglehold round the enemy's neck. I seem to hear the + death rattle in his guttural throat."—<i>Sunday + Pictorial.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you + might have fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London, + for the types of well-turned-out men out-Englished the + English, from top hat to varnished boot."—<i>American + Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/71a.png"><img width="350" + src="images/71a.png" + alt="Chancellor Bethmann-Hollweg, offended." /></a> + + <h3>UNMADE IN GERMANY.</h3> + + <p>BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE + VIOLATION OF BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED. + SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."</p> + + <p>[The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German + pamphlet which ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and + says that "nobody need be surprised at the rumour which is + going through Germany that he has been bought by + England."]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/72a.png"><img width="670" + src="images/72a.png" + alt="Sergeant bringing his men to attention." /></a> + + <p><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>after bringing his men to attention, + to knock-kneed recruit</i>). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4. + ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO + MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE WATCH DOGS.</h3> + + <h4>LV.</h4> + + <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,—Notwithstanding the reckless speed of + the leave train and the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company + on the leave boat, our gallant warriors continue to volunteer + in thousands for that desperate enterprise known as "Proceeding + on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain artfulness in + the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.</p> + + <p>In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon + extending by any means short of the criminal the duration of + the leave. When Robert first went on leave he was young and + innocent. He had four days given him; he left his unit on the + first of them and was back with it on the last of them. The + second time he improved on this and left France very early on + the morning of his first day and arrived in France again very + late on the last night of it. Then his friend John regarded + <i>his</i> leave as beginning and ending in England, which, if + the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at midnight, is not + a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave was for + seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His + explanation was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on + military authorities; after that, leave got fixed at ten days + net, ten days of the inelastic sort.</p> + + <p>Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell + and he is no man if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover, + how is one to fill in the dismal vacuum subsequent on the + return from one leave otherwise than by the discussion of + subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The + duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only + remained to improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John + ferreted about and became aware of the existence of a civilian + train to the port and of a Staff boat to the other port. He + worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin de Fer, + and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very + regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff + boat. He was able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on + the return journey, and had therefore every reason to be proud + of his efforts. Nevertheless he firmly decided to say nothing + about it to anybody lest the idea should get overworked. But he + told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of other + people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and + is now (<i>vide</i> General Routine Orders, <i>passim</i>) + unworkable.</p> + + <p>There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next + time. There are other ways of getting to ports than by train. + Why hold aloof from Motor Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be + above making a personal friend or two among them? And if Orders + limit the use of cars to officers of very senior rank, why be + too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to + the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and + if you want the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use + arguing about it. You sulk unostentatiously in the background + until both boats are full, and then you state a piteous case of + urgent family affairs to the right officer, to find yourself + eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in their + special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he + wangled it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months' + time, he decided to tell no one about it, not even John. But he + did tell John as soon as he saw him, and John told the world. + Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got written, published, and + very carefully brought to the attention of all ranks.</p> + + <p>The earth having become full of free booklets containing + watertight rules and regulations for keeping officers to the + straight and narrow path to the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" + id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> U.K., and the roads, + railways, quays and gangways being policed with stalwarts + whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into + the sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the + Officer in Charge. I am told, at first hand, that there is + as much variety in the reasons urged in support of + applications as there is in the manner of the applicants. + They attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future + in England, to shame him with gruesome pictures of their + recent past in France, to hustle him with emergencies or + special duties, or to bully him with dark references to + unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself, + who was highly suspicious even of me, until he understood + that I only wanted one thing in the world, and that was + someone interesting to talk to while I waited for the leave + boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low + cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to + guess, he had proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as + he said, this might suggest some hardness of heart on his + part, but I readily agreed, was even the first to state, + that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to + assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned + holiday. But he just couldn't do it. I put it for him that + he was but the powerless and insignificant agent of an + authority greater than himself.</p> + + <p>To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe + answer. True, he had his duty to perform, and right well he + performed it, we agreed. But he had also his powers, his + responsibilities—might we say, his scope? Yet, I + gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of + himself and his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for + example. I suggested (very cautiously) that it would require a + very much greater authority than himself to give relief to an + ordinary person like myself, with no stronger reason to travel + by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future and + domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing + to that; I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I + knew quite well that he would help me if he could. We were + unanimous as to the kindness of his heart. It was because I + quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask him or think + of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for + England—but not by the leave boat.</p> + + <p>Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor + more able to be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the + brethren. I bragged; and now I'm told there is a printed order + posted outside that M.L.O.'s office, making it a crime + punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave to + converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the + M.L.O.</p> + + <p>The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon + this subject, is the application of a very earnest young + lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would always obey all rules and + regulations, both in letter and spirit, with scrupulous regard. + His application is worth setting out in full:—"I have the + honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married + from January 9th to January 18th inclusive."</p> + + <p class="author">Yours ever, <br /> + HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/73a.png"><img width="655" + src="images/73a.png" + alt="A flooded trench." /></a><br /> + "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."<br /> + "DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" + id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span> + + <h3>THREE AUGUSTS.</h3> + + <h4>A WAR-TIME DRAMA.</h4> + + <h4>ACT I.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <i>A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August, + 1914.</i> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <i>There is a door</i> R., <i>leading into the hall. There + is also a door</i> L., <i>but it only leads into a cupboard + that</i> Mary <i>really needs.</i> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + Marmaduke Beltravers, <i>a well-dressed man of thirty-five, + is standing by a small table pressing his suit (his + matrimonial suit, of course), but without success. + His bold black eyes are flashing.</i> Mary's <i>lovely + face (by an ingenious manipulation of the + limelight) is quivering.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Marmaduke Beltravers</i> (<i>hoarsely</i>). I have laid + at your feet my hand, my heart and my flourishing business, and + thus—thus I am supplanted by that puling saint, George + Jeffreys. A-ha! [<i>Gnaws his + moustache.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <i>Enter</i> George Jeffreys, <i>an English gentleman.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>George Jeffreys</i> (<i>furiously</i>). You here? You + hound! You blackguard! You ...</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>realising that this is going to be no place + for a lady</i>). The butcher—know his ring. + [<i>Exit by door</i> R.</p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>pointing fiercely to cupboard</i>). Go!</p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>going</i>). Bah! You triumph now, but my day + will dawn yettah. (<i>Starts.</i>) What was that?</p> + + <p><i>Newsboy</i> (<i>outside</i>). War with Germany! War with + Germany!</p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> War? Then I am a pauper. + [<i>He does not say how, but + presumably he knows best.</i></p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>ceasing to go</i>). My day has dawned + <i>now</i>.</p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> How so?</p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> Your conscience calls you, does it not, to + enlist? (George <i>nods.</i>) I have no conscience. While you + fight I shall continue to press my suit.</p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>despairingly to himself</i>). Alas! what + chance will that sweet girl have against his dark saturnine + beauty and his wealth? (<i>Aloud, hopefully, as a thought + strikes him</i>) But stay—war with Germany—perhaps + you are a pauper also?</p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha! + [<i>Twirls his moustache.</i></p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>losing his temper</i>). Cur! + [<i>Exit, to enlist, into + cupboard. Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain + falls.</i></p> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <i>Hyde Park, August, 1915.</i> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <i>A dozen energetic supers, by being extremely glad to see + one another very many times, are creating the illusion of a + gay and fashionable throng. Enter</i> Marmaduke Beltravers + <i>with</i> Mary. <i>She is distraite.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>in full hearing of fashionable throng</i>). + Darling, I have waited patiently for you. Say that you will + marry me now.</p> + + <p><i>Mary.</i> Marmaduke, you are rich, you are beautiful and + you are kind to me in your rather wicked way. But, alas! I + cannot forget the noble figure of George—my + George. [<i>She sobs.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <i>Enter</i> George Jeffreys, <i>in the uniform of a + private.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> Mary!</p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>intervening jauntily</i>). Well, my man?</p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>his vocabulary strengthened by Army + life</i>). You dash blank blighter! You ruddy plague-spot!</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>gazing at him with horror</i>). Oh, George, + those—clothes—don't—fit! + [<i>Sobs heartbrokenly.</i></p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>striking while the iron is hot</i>). Mary, + you shall choose between us, here and now.</p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>yearningly</i>). Mary, with you to cheer me + on I will win the V.C. I swear it. My beloved, come with me; + there will be a separation allowance.</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>shuddering</i>). Not in those trousers. + I—can't. [<i>She swoons + in</i> Marmaduke's <i>arms.</i> George <i>raises his fist to + strike</i> Marmaduke. <i>Enter</i> Sergeant Tompkins.</p> + + <p><i>Sergt. T.</i> 'Ere, none o' that. Private Jeffreys, + 'SHUN! Right—TURN! About—TURN! Left—TURN! + Quick—MARCH! [<i>Exit</i> + George <i>to win V.C.</i></p> + + <p class="center">CURTAIN.</p> + + <h4>ACT III.</h4> + + <blockquote> + Marmaduke's <i>Mansion in Park Lane, August, 1916.</i> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + [<i>Enter</i> Mary Beltravers (<i>née</i> Gray), + <i>unhappy.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mary.</i> My little dog—my only friend—I + cannot find him. (<i>She rummages absently among the papers on + her husband's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a document, reads + it through and clutches at her throat.</i>) My husband—a + German ser-py! (<i>She turns savagely on</i> Marmaduke, <i>who + has just entered.</i>) So this—this is the source of our + wealth! Your munitions arm our enemies. You play the German + game.</p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>simply</i>). I do. I have a birth + qualification.</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>wildly</i>). But I'll thwart you; I'll + denounce you (<i>seizes telephone</i>). You shall rue the day + you married a true daughter of England.</p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>with sinister significance</i>). Remember, + Mary, "to love, honour and OBEY." Put down that instrument. + [<i>With a gesture of despair she + lets the receiver fall, thus driving the girl at the exchange + nearly frantic. Suddenly the door is thrown open. Enter</i> + Captain George Jeffreys <i>with</i> Sergeant-Major Tompkins + <i>and squad of soldiers.</i></p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> Marmaduke Beltravers, <i>né</i> Heinrich + Hoggenheimer, the game is up. (Marmaduke <i>dashes to the + window. The dozen supers outside raise a howl of execration + mingled with cries of "Lynch the spy!</i>") You see, there is + no way of escape.</p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>drawing revolver</i>). You shall not long + enjoy your triumph. I have but one cartridge, but perchance it + will be enough for you. [<i>Pulls + trigger, but finds action rather stiff.</i></p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> Look out, Mary! These things are rather tricky + in inexperienced hands. + [Marmaduke <i>succeeds in pulling + trigger. There is a violent explosion and a large hole appears + in</i> George's <i>breeches.</i></p> + + <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>calmly to the baffled</i> Marmaduke). Bad + luck! That's my cork one. I lost the original when I got this. + [<i>Touches V.C. pinned on his + breast.</i></p> + + <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Curse, and curse again! + [<i>Gnawing his moustache he + falls in with squad.</i></p> + + <p><i>Sergt.-Major T.</i> Prisoner and escort, 'SHUN! Stand + at—EASE. 'SHUN. Move to the right in fours. + Form—FOURS. RIGHT. By the left, quick—MARCH. + [<i>Exeunt, leaving</i> Mary + <i>in</i> George's <i>arms. The howls of execration redouble. + Then there is a tense silence, broken by the sound of a + volley.</i></p> + + <p><i>George.</i> Mary, my own! At last!</p> + + <p><i>Mary.</i> My hero.</p> + + <p class="center">CURTAIN.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.</h4> + + <p>The enterprise of the London and North-Western Railway + officials, in designing a button to obviate delays at the gate + caused by the new show-your-season order, has (we understand) + spurred other lines to a similar ingenuity. Below are some of + the latest novelties in ticket-substitutes.</p> + + <p>THE POM-POM.—May be worn in any variety of hat. Very + suitable for short travellers. A simple inclination of the head + permits verification by the inspector. Made in two + shades—dark green, covering any distance up to + twenty-five miles of town, or red (as worn by anarchists and + the staff of the L. & S.W.R.), covering a journey up to + fifty miles.</p> + + <p>UMBRELLA AND STICK TOPS, unscrewable, faced with + plate-glass, permitting the insertion of a ticket, and its easy + verification on being thrust under the nose of an official. + Special quality <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" + id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> fitted with small electric + bulb for evening wear.</p> + + <p>For those who desire a really striking and chic novelty, + that up-to-date line, the Great Eccentric, is reported to have + engaged a staff of expert tattoo artists, who will puncture the + date and designation of the pass upon the left cheek of the + holder. Being not only elegant in design but practically + irremovable, these markings will form a permanent and + increasingly interesting memento of the Great War. Price + according to distance and lettering.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/75a.png"><img width="643" + src="images/75a.png" + alt="Real problems at the Front" /></a> + + <h3>REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.</h3> + + <p><i>First C.O.</i> "<i>I</i> TELL YOU WHAT. FIND ME A MAN + WHO CAN COOK CUTLETS DECENTLY, AND YOU SHALL HAVE OUR + SECOND-BEST PIERROT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Tactless.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "THANKSGIVING SERVICE on Sunday, February 18th, Canon + ——'s last day as Vicar of + ——."—<i>Midland Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>Another Glimpse of the Obvious.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "There is very general agreement in banking circles in the + City as to the satisfactory character of the response which + has already been made to the new War Loan, but good though + it has been, the total must still be small compared with + the need, and must fall infinitely short of the figure + aimed at, which, of course, is unlimited."—<i>Sunday + Times.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE SMILE OF VICTORY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + [According to Reuter's Washington Correspondent, women + suffragists have of late regularly picketed the White + House. When President WILSON appears "they deploy so that + he cannot fail to see their banners. The President smiles + broadly and passes on."] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical + speeches</p> + + <p>And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches,</p> + + <p>Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its + portals—</p> + + <p>Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries + off</p> + + <p>To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;</p> + + <p>And, while studying closely his putts, to + explore</p> + + <p>The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To cope with emergency once in a way</p> + + <p>Is nothing to facing it every day;</p> + + <p>And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is + seen,</p> + + <p>He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O happy idealist! Others may weep</p> + + <p>At the crimes and the horrors that murder their + sleep;</p> + + <p>You've two perfect specifics your cares to + beguile—</p> + + <p>An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb + when he could live at Bournemouth?'"—<i>Morning + Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it + had not come Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised + goat is fate would have been miserable beyond swallowed by + the boat-constrictor, so Great Britain would have been + absorbed by Germany."—<i>Evening Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift + of the paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a + new kind of submarine?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" + id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/76a.png"><img width="671" + src="images/76a.png" + alt="Our land-workers." /></a> + + <h3>OUR LAND-WORKERS.</h3> + + <p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>discussing a turn for the village Red + Cross Concert</i>). "WHAT ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS + GIRLS?"</p> + + <p><i>Ethel.</i> "YES—BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR + IT?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE INFANTRYMAN.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in + luxury,</p> + + <p>The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,</p> + + <p>The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long + way back,</p> + + <p>In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little + shack;</p> + + <p>Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his + job, say I)</p> + + <p>Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him + from on high,</p> + + <p>But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever + the War began</p> + + <p>Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the + infantryman.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The guns can pound the villages and smash the + trenches in,</p> + + <p>And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s + begin,</p> + + <p>And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a + parapet,</p> + + <p>But the real work is the work that's done with bomb + and bayonet.</p> + + <p>Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub + and kit,</p> + + <p>He's always there where the fighting is—he's + there unless he's hit;</p> + + <p>Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the + living can;</p> + + <p>He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the + British infantryman!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in + the clinging mire—</p> + + <p>Steady in front, go steady! Close up there! Mind the + wire!</p> + + <p>Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of + the ditch, jump clear!</p> + + <p>Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck + when the shells come near!</p> + + <p>Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy + trench,</p> + + <p>With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain + and the sodden khaki's stench!</p> + + <p>Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you + can—</p> + + <p>This is the work that wins the War, the work of the + infantryman.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Where is the Censor?</h4> + + <blockquote> + "A woman has been fined £10 for chipping lyddite out + of a shell which had been over-filled by means of a + screwdriver."—<i>Evening Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform + the enemy in this way of our methods of filling shells.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" + id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/77a.png"><img width="400" + src="images/77a.png" + alt="Peace without Victory." /></a> + + <h3>A DEAD FROST.</h3>PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE + DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78" + id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/78a.png"><img width="673" + src="images/78a.png" + alt="I say, someone's stolen my car!" /></a> + + <p>"I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"</p> + + <p>"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"</p> + + <p>"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF + PETROL IN THE BACK."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>From Adjutant to O.C. A Company.</i></p> + + <p>Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please + expedite.</p> + + <p>(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last + Sunday? Isn't it positively the outside edge?)</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em;">ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Mrs. and Adjutant.</i></p> + + <p class="center"><i>Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant.</i></p> + + <p>I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday, + as otherwise I shall not be able to attend the sales, and my + Sam Browne is quite the dowdiest in tho whole battalion.</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em;">JOAN DARLING,</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Second-Lieut.</i></p> + + <p class="center"><i>O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster.</i></p> + + <p>Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for + bottle, scent, one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has + not been supplied with bottle since joining this unit I take it + that such will be a free issue.</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em;">EMMA PIPP,</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Lieut.</i></p> + + <p class="center"><i>O.C. A Company to Quartermaster.</i></p> + + <p>Please note fact that the boots, khaki suède uppers, + pair, one, issued yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not + supplied with regulation Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are + therefore herewith returned.</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em;">BOADICEA BLUNT.</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Capt. O.C. A Coy.</i></p> + + <p class="center"><i>From O.C. B Company to O.C. D + Company.</i></p> + + <p>Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O. + Jones, B Company, attached D Company, for your attention and + necessary action, please.</p> + + <p>(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged, + and she has asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be + bridesmaids! Not that <i>I</i> wanted to take it on. But think + of poor dear O.C. C! <i>Won't</i> she look too-too?)</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em;">MILDRED NORTON,</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Capt. O.C. B Coy.</i></p> + + <p class="center"><i>From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O. + Marshall.</i></p> + + <p>Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of + Survey, which assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st + for the purpose of inquiring into the circumstances whereby + box, powder, face, one, on charge of this unit, became used up + suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for the necessary + witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to + the Adjutant in triplicate.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Our Military Experts.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly + and with luck, would involve a threat to the French left + and to the communications with Italy."—<i>Pall Mall + Gazette.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of + Holland would in very much the same way threaten the British + right and our communications with Scotland.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering + parrots is advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent + announcements from the battlefields of Europe that + 'brayless' mules have been perfected for trench and other + battle-front labours by a simple operation on the nostrils + and the nerves affecting the vocal cords."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why not speechless Presidents?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" + id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span> + + <h3>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h3> + + <h4>(SECOND SERIES.)</h4> + + <p class="center">XVI.</p> + + <p class="center">MARYLEBONE.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mary Lebone</p> + + <p class="i2">She gets no meat,</p> + + <p>She never has anything</p> + + <p class="i2">Nice to eat;</p> + + <p>A supper fit</p> + + <p class="i2">For a dog alone</p> + + <p>Is all the fare</p> + + <p class="i2">Of poor Mary Lebone.</p> + + <p>She squats by the corner</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Baker Street</p> + + <p>And snuffs the air</p> + + <p class="i2">So spicy and sweet</p> + + <p>When the Bakers are baking</p> + + <p class="i2">Their puddings and pies,</p> + + <p>Their buns and their biscuits</p> + + <p class="i2">And Banburies—</p> + + <p>A tart for Jocelyn</p> + + <p class="i2">A cake for Joan,</p> + + <p>And nothing at all</p> + + <p class="i2">For poor Mary Lebone!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">XVII.</p> + + <p class="center">SCOTLAND YARD.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"How long's the Yard in Scotland?</p> + + <p class="i2">Tell me that now, Mother."</p> + + <p>"Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just like any other."</p> + + <p>"O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?"</p> + + <p class="i2">"No more than thirty-seven."</p> + + <p>"Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid</p> + + <p class="i2">Will never get to heaven."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/79.png"><img width="435" + src="images/79.png" + alt="I hear they're thinking of electrifying this part of the line." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Passenger.</i> "I HEAR THEY'RE THINKING OF + ELECTRIFYING THIS PART OF THE LINE."</p> + + <p><i>Porter.</i> "AY; THEY'RE ALLUS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME. + THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING <i>US</i> NEXT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>EDWARD.</h3> + + <p>Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a + free-and-easy way with him. His free-and-easy way shows itself + chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and waving his hand to all + those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is talkative at + times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is + limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several + words, or says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I + have—or a less rigid regard for the truth.</p> + + <p>You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To + be exact, it is thirteen months since he first saw the light in + this troubled world. Not that the world is a troubled one to + Edward; on the contrary.</p> + + <p>Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the + sea-front of his native town. His free-and-easy way has secured + him a large circle of acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen + stop and speak to him, which he likes, so long as they do not + pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent among elderly + gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises, + though in their hearts they are probably comparing him + unfavourably with their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a + cheery life.</p> + + <p>Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little + man—so little, indeed, that most people would have called + him a dwarf. He was walking in the same direction as Edward, + and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand and smiled and + waved again.</p> + + <p>For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at + length he felt obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate, + who propels the perambulator, "Seems friendly like;" to which + Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to everyone."</p> + + <p>Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled + by that remark. For myself I may say that, though Edward always + smiles when we meet, I do not greatly value it because I know + he smiles in the same way upon everyone else.</p> + + <p>But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with + "everyone," to be placed by Edward on an equality with the + strong and graceful, sent a warm glow to his heart.</p> + + <p>So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the + boy-scouts, done one good deed that day.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The system of women and girls acting as field labourers, + ploughing and shepherding, etc., in itself produces a rough + state of society."—<i>Country Life.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the + following:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY. + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + "Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's College, + 6."—<i>The Times.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Splendid! These colleges think of everything.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80" + id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span> + + <h3>OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.</h3> + + <p>So much good has notoriously been done during the great + conflict by letters to the Press that Mr. Punch, recognising + the importance of having this branch of War-work taught to the + young, has engaged a gentleman of ample leisure and few + responsibilities, who hides behind the <i>nom de guerre</i> + "Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of instructive lectures on + the subject. By the time the student has absorbed a complete + course he will he qualified to write to the papers on any + topic, and, to adopt every tone from the pleading and querulous + to the indignant and hectoring. From this can follow nothing + less than the complete rout of the Germans.</p> + + <h4>SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.</h4> + + <p class="center"><i>I.—A World in Darkness.</i></p> + + <p>The world before newspapers—Unbearable + thought—No Street and no Man in it—Unfortunate + position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL, + CÆSAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military + experts—Their fatal ignorance of public + opinion—Serious handicaps in the past—LEONIDAS + never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip—ALCIBIADES never + stimulated by attacks in Athens journals—No brainy + onlooker at defeat of Armada.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>II.—The Growth of the Press.</i></p> + + <p>The birth of a happier era—The first English + newspaper—Rapid development of the new arm—A nation + made articulate—Unfortunate quietistic tendencies: + ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON—Foreshadowings of the real + thing—Arrival of the real thing—The Fourth + Estate—The Tenth Muse—The Editor as + Dictator—The Millennium.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>III.—The Vigilant + Correspondent.</i></p> + + <p>The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth—Importance of + attending to other people's affairs—True citizenship the + improvement of one's neighbours—Neglect of one's own + character a national virtue—Brief sketch of Paul + Pry—Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty—Keepers of the + public conscience—Human alarm-clocks—Samples of + reforms delayed by absence of letters to the Press—The + circulation of the blood—The law of gravity—The + movement of the solar system—Value of iteration and + undauntability.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>IV.—Range of Subject.</i></p> + + <p>Every stick useful in beating dogs—Nothing too trivial + to yoke with such words as "scandal" and + "outrage"—Suspicion and mistrust the letter-writer's + life-blood—Necessity for believing everyone in office + negligent or corrupt—Reasons why it is better to write to + the papers than to the individual—The sacredness of + publicity—Importance also of victim seeing the + indictment—Value of <i>Who's Who?</i>—Postal rates + for newspapers.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>V.—Signatures.</i></p> + + <p>Real names and pseudonyms—Cases where real names are + best—Cases where pseudonyms are best—Danger of + giving both name and address—The Knobkerry—The + Dog-Whip—The Art of Self-Defence—The Law + Directory—Choice of pseudonyms—Latin <i>v.</i> + English—An Advantage of "One Who Knows" over "Audi + Alteram Partem"—"Scrutator" better than "Spectator ab + extra"—"One who is doing his bit" better than + "Junius"—Reasons for "War-Winner" being the best at + present moment.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>VI.—Model Letter with + Remarks.</i></p> + + <p>At the present moment no type of letter is more effective + than the following:—</p> + + <p>SIR,—Could anything be more deplorable than the + spectacle, which every hour of the day and night affords, of + young and vigorous men made up to look like grandfathers. I am + told that the theatrical costumiers and perruquiers are worn to + a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible shirkers have + subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful + influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a + courageous investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of + London, were to snatch at the bald scalps so much in evidence + there, he would in nine cases out of ten find that they came + away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the youthful and + fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I + shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and + vigilant and their net so tightly drawn that no one can get + through; but we all know what bunglers the English authorities + are, whether at the War Office or elsewhere. It is only in + newspaper offices that true efficiency can be found. I enclose + my card and am,</p> + + <p class="center" + style="margin-top:-1em;">Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p class="author" + style="margin-top:-1.5em;">"WAR-WINNER."</p> + + <p>Analysis of above—Reasons for thinking it + perfect—Importance of compliment to + editors—Estimate of its probable result.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/80.png"><img width="350" + src="images/80.png" + alt="To the Wedding Cake License Office." /></a> + + <p>THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Extremes.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers) + and commanded that famous regiment in the Boer + War."—<i>Evening Telegraph</i> (<i>Dundee</i>). + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + "Sergeant ——, who is 2 years of age, is + married, and has two children."—<i>Same Paper, same + date.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was + bitten by a made bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last + evening by the Talaimannar train for treatment." + —<i>Ceylon Independent.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a shoemaker's advertisement:</p> + + <blockquote> + "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."—<i>High River Times</i> + (<i>Alberta, Canada</i>). + </blockquote> + + <p>The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written + to me I have the honour to reply that they are all + blackguards."—<i>Advt. in Ceylon Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in + full sympathy with the writer.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81" + id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/81a.png"><img width="653" + src="images/81a.png" + alt="Oh! Do wear your khaki tie, Dad!" /></a><br /> + "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW + YOU'RE A SOLDIER." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.</h3> + + <blockquote> + (<i>Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on + eccentric place names.</i>) + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now that the rise in railway fares</p> + + <p class="i2">(At which no patriot cavils)</p> + + <p>Has chained us elders to our chairs</p> + + <p class="i2">And circumscribed our travels,</p> + + <p>I love to play the festive game</p> + + <p class="i2">Of astral gravitation</p> + + <p>To any neighbourhood whose name</p> + + <p class="i2">Is fraught with fascination.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've never sampled in the flesh</p> + + <p class="i2">The varied charms of Bootle,</p> + + <p>But mentally I find them fresh</p> + + <p class="i2">And redolent of footle;</p> + + <p>And, though my steps to that resort</p> + + <p class="i2">I never up till now bent,</p> + + <p>Imagination can transport</p> + + <p class="i2">My spirit into Chowbent.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Always alert upon the track</p> + + <p class="i2">Of rich and strange emotion,</p> + + <p>To Pudsey and to Wibsey Slack</p> + + <p class="i2">I pay my fond devotion;</p> + + <p>My heart is in the Highlands oft,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though age its glow enfeebles,</p> + + <p>And soars triumphantly aloft</p> + + <p class="i2">At the mere sound of Peebles.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The nightingale in leafy June,</p> + + <p class="i2">I own, divinely warbles,</p> + + <p>But equal magic fills the tune-</p> + + <p class="i2">ful name of Scotia's Gorbals;</p> + + <p>And if you ever should desire</p> + + <p class="i2">A subject to wax funny on,</p> + + <p>What theme more fitly can inspire</p> + + <p class="i2">The Muse than Ballybunnion?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some places on my astral rounds</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm strong upon tabooing,</p> + + <p>On anti-alcoholic grounds</p> + + <p class="i2">Grogport and Rum eschewing;</p> + + <p>But no such painful stigma robs</p> + + <p class="i2">Proud Potto of its lustre,</p> + + <p>Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and Stobs,</p> + + <p class="i2">A memorable cluster.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The pictures rising in my brain</p> + + <p class="i2">Are strange; sometimes I muddle 'em,</p> + + <p>Confounding Pleck with Plodder Lane,</p> + + <p class="i2">Titley with Tillietudlem;</p> + + <p>In short, it's not a game of skill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Else I should scarce essay at;</p> + + <p>But it is harmless, costs me <i>nil</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">And nobody need play it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The plan is simple; choose a spot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then focus with decision</p> + + <p>Your thoughts upon it till you've got</p> + + <p class="i2">A clear-cut mental vision;</p> + + <p>And though from fact it widely errs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Remember in conclusion</p> + + <p>Only the man of prose prefers</p> + + <p class="i2">Eyewitness to illusion.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>From the Back of the Front.</h4> + + <p>Extract from a soldier's letter:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "DEAR MOTHER,—I am thoroughly run down, and have + grown so thin that when I get a pain in my middle I cannot + tell whether it is a backache or a stomachache." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each station along the + route by rending sacred songs and solos as The Kano Express + drew in." —<i>Lagos Weekly Record.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>"That's torn it," said the conductor.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Britons never shall be slaves if they will only remember + the solemn warning of the author of the words—'To + thine own self be true, and then thou canst be false to any + man.'"—<i>Letter in Scotch Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>One recognises the note of liberty, but we fear the writer + must have got hold of a German edition of "Unser + Shakspeare."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82" + id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span> + + <h3>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h3> + + <p>As Jim and me lies in hospital gettin' better from our + wounds we talks over what we've been through in this War.</p> + + <p>There was the time when we was billeted with Mrs. Dawkins, + just before we went to the Front, which dwells in our memories. + When the billetin' orficer introduced us into her kitchen Mrs. + Dawkins went down on the bricks and prayed she might do her + duty by the two noble defenders of her country—she meant + me and Jim—who the Lord had pleased to deliver into her + care. Then she begun unlacin' Jim's boots. In a minute Mr. + Dawkins come in; he said we was hearty welcome, and was just + goin' to shake 'ands with us when Mrs. Dawkins turned on 'im + and asked 'im what he meant by standin' there like a gawk and + not unlacin' mine. Jim and me was very uncomfortable.</p> + + <p>Then some little Dawkinses come in, Susan, Sammy, Billy and + Elfreda, and was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their respecks to + us, and do it proper or she'd know the reason why. Sammy + saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him unmerciful. Jim and me + begun to feel regler low-spirited.</p> + + <p>After that she set out the tea. It was as butiful a tea as + we could wish for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste and + sardines, and bein' hungry after a long march we cheered up and + looked forward to enjoyin' it. As was correck Jim 'anded all + the dishes to Mrs. Dawkins first, but she said, "No, thank you, + such things are for the defenders of the country, and it is our + duty to provide them, but bread-and-dripping is good enough for + me and Mr. Dawkins and the children."</p> + + <p>Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda all begun to cry, and their + father sat lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery. It clean took + away our appetites. She piled our plates with jam and sardines, + but we couldn't swaller a mouthful with them poor kids sobbin' + all round the table. We was thankful they was put to bed before + supper. Mrs. Dawkins fried potaters and sausages and set 'em + down in front of me Jim, with a jug of porter, and she and + Dawkins and a young man lodger sat at the other end, behind + half a Dutch cheese and some water. All the meals was the + same.</p> + + <p>There was only three rooms upstairs, and Jim and me couldn't + make out how it was we had a bedroom apiece till we come across + the lodger sleepin' on the kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle + and Sammy in one of the dresser drawers. Then we asked to be + allowed to sleep together, with the lodger to one side; but + Mrs. Dawkins said, "I thank the Lord we're blessed with two + good beds in our house, and as long as I have two defenders of + the country in my care I should like to catch anyone belonging + to me getting into either of their beds. If we're all getting + wore out for want of sleep we can't help ourselves, we're doing + our duty."</p> + + <p>Then she asked Jim if he was warm enough nights, and before + he'd time to think he'd blurted out he wasn't quite. That + evening she come down shiverin' to supper in her petticut, and + said what did it matter her catchin' her death of cold if them + she had in her care slept warm and comfortable under her + meriner skirt. We felt downright brutes.</p> + + <p>But what hurt us most was the way them kids took against us. + Me and Jim is fond of kids, and we wanted to make friends and + play with 'em, but it weren't no good. They was always puttin' + their tongues out at us when Mrs. Dawkins' back was turned and + talkin' loud to one another: "I say, Sammy, I 'ates soldiers, + don't you? Soldiers is greedy; poor little children don't have + nothink where soldiers is. Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says + his 'ome is a 'ell since the soldiers come. 'Ere they are + walkin' down the street. Quick, Billy! Mother ain't lookin'; + turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."</p> + + <p>To make up for her kindness to us Jim and me tried to do + little odd jobs about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but somehow + it all turned to wormwood. We slipped out early one Sunday + morning and begun siftin' the cinders in the backyard, but she + caught sight of us and 'ollered so at Dawkins she woke up all + the neighbours: "How can you lay there snorin', you great lazy + good-for-nothing, and look on while the defenders of your + country is wearin' themselves out 'siftin' your cinders?"</p> + + <p>Dawkins tumbled off the mangle, thinkin' it was a fire, and + he swore terrible at me and Jim.</p> + + <p>The young man lodger took against us too. When his washin' + was on the line we couldn't help noticin' he was very bad off + for underclothes, and Jim and me, havin' more shirts and socks + that kind ladies had give us than we knowed how' to wear, we + took the liberty of wrappin' three of each in paper with a + label, "Hopin' no offence," and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse + where he was in the habit of doin' his hair. We was pleased to + notice next day he had got one of the shirts on. Of course we + made no remark; no more did he. But at supper-time Mrs. Dawkins + caught sight of his cuffs. She took the poor feller by the + collar and we was afraid she would have shook the life out of + him.</p> + + <p>"You thievin' rascal!" she said. "To think I should 'arbour + in my house a man as ain't ashamed to rob the defenders of his + country of the shirts off their backs!" Then she begun callin' + for the police.</p> + + <p>Jim and me tried to explain, but it weren't no use. The + first chance he had the young man lodger got out through the + door. He come back in half a minute with his feet bare and his + weskit all anyhow. The shirts and socks was under his arm.</p> + + <p>"Damn you and yer clothes!" he said, and flung 'em at me and + Jim. It were very disheartenin'.</p> + + <p>When it come to leavin' we felt we ought to show our + gratitude for the treatment we had received by makin' Mrs. + Dawkins a little present. Bein' of an uncommon disposition it + were difficult to choose what would please her. I were in + favour of a pink shawl; but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin' + anybody any more clothes. In the end we chose a pair of + earrings.</p> + + <p>Directly we give 'em to her we saw we'd done wrong. She + turned on Dawkins like a hyener. "'Ave I done my duty and + starved us all to death and given them two the best in the + house and slept cold every night to be paid in gewgaws?" she + said. "Didn't I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it agen? and + are you a man or a cur that you stand there expectin' me to put + them things into my ears instead of behind the fire?" In + another minute the earrings was melted. It were some + consolation to me and Jim that she didn't refuse to shake 'ands + with us when we come away; but Dawkins did, and so did the + young man lodger, and all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We + never have been able to make out who were to blame. We thinks + sometimes it were Mrs. Dawkins.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>How it strikes the Hyphenated.</h4> + + <p>An extract from <i>Los Angeles Germania</i>, which describes + itself as "An American newspaper printed in the German and + American languages":—</p> + + <blockquote> + "At last the mask is removed from the hypocritical face of + England. The cloven hoof of British insolence has struck + square into the face of Uncle Sam." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Holders of the old War Loan who are not yet converted to + conversion may be led to a decision by the discovery that + "BONAR LAW" spells "War Loan 'B.'"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses' Home where nurses do not + sleep." —<i>Women's Employment.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Applicants should beware, as insomnia is very catching.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83" + id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/83a.png"><img width="669" + src="images/83a.png" + alt="Bayonet Practice" /></a> + + <p><i>Sergeant.</i> "KEEP YER POINT UP LIKE YER DOIN' NOW, + CAN'T YER? YOU WON'T NEVER GET YER MAN IF YER DON'T KEEP + YER POINT UP. HAVE YER NEVER DONE NO BAYONET PRACTICE + BEFORE?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i> (<i>just out of hospital, very + bored</i>). "I'VE DONE THIS 'ERE TO THE BLOOMIN' BOSCHES, I + 'AVE."</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant.</i> "OH. YOU 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? NO WONDER THE + WAR'S LASTED TWO AND A 'ALF YEARS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE + wrote, some years ago, about a pack of schoolmasters who got so + monstrously upon one another's nerves that the result was + attempted murder? I have just been reading a new story that may + be regarded as the female counterpart of the same tragedy. + <i>Regiment of Women</i> (HEINEMANN) is described as a first + novel; and there are indeed signs of this in a certain + verbosity and diffuseness of attack. But it is at least equally + clear that the writer, CLEMENCE DANE, has the root of the + matter in her. As in the book with which I have compared it, + the setting of this is scholastic—a girls' school here, + with all its restricted outlook, its small intrigues, and + exaggerated friendships, mercilessly exposed. You will be + willing to admit that it is at least aptly named when I tell + you that not till page 135 does so much as the shadow of a man + appear, and then but fleetingly as the father of the poor + child, <i>Louise</i>, the tragedy of whose death is the central + incident of the book. Naturally it can be nothing else than a + painful story; in particular the figure of <i>Clare</i>, the + adored teacher, whose cruel egoistical friendship, with its + alternations of encouragement and brutality, first drives + <i>Louise</i> to suicide, and all but wrecks the life of the + young assistant-mistress, <i>Alwynne</i>, has in it something + coldly sinister that haunts the memory. But of its power there + can be no question. On one small point of psychology I am at + issue with the writer. I doubt whether the child <i>Louise</i> + could have played <i>Arthur</i> in the school theatricals so + marvellously as we are asked to believe without cheering + herself, by such an artistic success, out of the temptation to + suicide. But the ways of morbidity are unsearchable, and this + is no more than an expression of individual opinion. It is not + meant to qualify my admiration for the skill of this remarkable + and arresting story.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If the long postponement of the appearance of another + novel—<i>Vesprie Towers</i> (SMITH, ELDER)—by the + late Mr. THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am careful not to say + it does) that the author never intended it to see the light of + day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have been + wisdom in that decision, for the story of <i>Violet + Vesprie</i>, though touched with a certain charm and + distinction, sadly lacks the imaginative intensity of + <i>Aylwin</i>. The plot is commonplace, being the familiar + record of how the country seat of a once illustrious family + nearly, but of course not quite, passed into the hands of + strangers when the last of the race came to poverty. Even the + inevitable flight to London is not spared us or the heroine, + and it is really only when the writer tires of his attempted + conventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The + return of <i>Violet</i> to her old home, for instance, is most + fortunate in its failure to follow the rules, that attractive + young lady being quite content to be whisked back in the + turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the place she + loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle has + been wrought; while we, reader and author alike, equally in the + dark, are too happy to have her home to worry about it either, + preferring to wander with her through the dear old rooms and + let explanations go hang. Anyhow, perhaps + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84" + id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> one can forgive a certain + amount of looseness in a story that holds such pleasant + things as a family rainbow, an "osier ait" and a sailor-poet + worshipping from afar. And indeed, though far from + brilliant, the book is really rather lovable.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>The Leatherwood God</i> (JENKINS) Mr. W.D. HOWELLS has + written a powerful and very interesting study of an unusual + theme. Religious mania, and those queer manifestations of it + that hover uncertainly between fraud and hysteria, have always + provided a subject of attraction for the curious. Mr. HOWELLS + sets his romance in the early days of the last century, at the + backwoods settlement of <i>Leatherwood</i>, where the community + of the faithful are perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a + stranger, one <i>Dylks</i>, who claims divine origin and the + power to work miracles. Actually, this <i>Dylks</i> was about + as bad a hat as any made. He had deserted his legal wife, + <i>Nancy</i>, and allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry + a <i>de facto</i> husband whom she adored. So you will see that + the turning up again of Number One, unrecognised and surrounded + by the trappings of god-head and the adoration of the Elect, + creates for <i>Nancy</i> a very pretty and absorbing problem in + social ethics. But Mr. HOWELLS has done more than this. Having + shown <i>Dylks</i> as the arch-villain and impostor that he is, + he proceeds to the subtler task of enlisting our sympathy for + him. It is this that gives the story its higher quality. The + horror of the poor wretch's position, driven on by his own + words, almost, in time, coming himself to a kind of belief in + them, haunted always by the increasing demands of his dupes, is + most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end we hear + of his death (by suicide or accident) with an emotion of relief + and pity that is a real tribute to his creator. <i>The + Leatherwood God</i> is not a long story, but for concentrated + power it deserves to be classed amongst the outstanding work of + the season.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter—of + course in a strictly literary sense. It must at this moment + have required some courage to make your hero an agent of the + British Secret Service. And having done this she certainly + shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the situation so + created. In the interest of his profession, and for no reward + save the service of his country, <i>Marcus Janover</i> is + called upon to sacrifice love, friendship, even his personal + honour. Just how all this comes about I leave you to discover + by <i>The Light above the Cross Roads</i> (DUCKWORTH). It is a + powerful and highly original story that has the distinction of + breaking entirely new ground in war-novels. The scenes of it, + laid partly in Ireland, partly in Berlin, or behind the German + lines, are themselves guarantees of the unusual. One slight + criticism that I have to make rises from the question whether + so expert an "agent" as <i>Marcus</i> would really employ + blot-producing ink for his map tracery when, on his own + confession, he might have used pencil. But if the blots had not + been there the Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning + of <i>Marcus's</i> presence amongst them) would never have + arrested <i>Ursule</i>, and thus provided a dramatic and + unhackneyed situation. There is a gravity and distinction, + moreover, about the tale that somehow reminds me of the late + Monsignor BENSON. It is undoubtedly a story that should be + read.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am rather puzzled what to say about the <i>The Grey + Shepherd</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), because it is essentially + a story that will appeal very differently to readers of + different temperaments. Some people will say, "How beautiful!" + Others perhaps, "How precious!" and both with a certain truth. + For my own part, I should select a middle course, and say that + Mrs. J.E. BUCKROSE has had a wholly admirable idea for a short + story, which she has done her best to spoil by enlarging it to + book dimensions, and a little over-sweetening it. There is real + delicacy and beauty in her theme. The youth forced by partial + blindness to give up all the hopes for which he had been + educated, who becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his + pipe (musical) and the simplicities of country lore for the + loss of love and ambition; and eventually, after his death, is + deified by rustic tradition into a supernatural helper of "all + things that are kind"—here is an idea for the tenderest + handling. My feeling is, while giving Mrs. BUCKROSE every + credit for such an inspiration, that she should have been a + little sterner with herself over the treatment, and thus + avoided a certain stickiness that may irritate those who prefer + the simplicity of nature to a not quite sufficiently concealed + art. But, as I began by saying, it all depends on the + individual palate; and, anyhow, the book has the historic + excuse of being a very little one, which you can read, with + pleasure or irritation, within the hour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels in + which the hero and heroine dally over-long in falling in love + you will get it by reading <i>The Fur-Bringers</i> (HODDER AND + STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon preliminaries, not a minute; + and as soon as <i>Ambrose Deane</i> and <i>Colina Gaviller</i> + have met and discovered at sight that they are just made for + each other the really exciting part of the story begins. I + forget how many times <i>Ambrose</i> is arrested during the + course of the tale, but I do know that things keep on happening + all the time, and that the rescue of the hero by the Indian + girl <i>Nesis</i> is delightfully told. Altogether Mr. HULBERT + FOOTNER'S picture of the life of a trader in Athabasca is + particularly attractive. I like it all, including the + cover.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/84.png"><img width="379" + src="images/84.png" + alt="The Douceur." /></a> + + <h3>THE DOUCEUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a + discharged soldier, was sentenced to ten months' + imprisonment for bigamy."—<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A proper verdict this, that for a while</p> + + <p>Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.</p> + </div> + </div> +<p> </p> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14516 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |