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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14516 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14516-h.htm or 14516-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h/14516-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 152
+
+JANUARY 31, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The birth-rate in Berlin, it appears, is considerably lower this year than
+last. We can quite understand this reluctance to being born a German just
+now.
+
+       ***
+
+The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove beyond doubt
+that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans would have won this
+battle.
+
+       ***
+
+The German military authorities have declined to introduce bathless days.
+Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal habits that the Teuton does
+not pursue to a vicious excess.
+
+       ***
+
+Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the Midland Railway
+owing to the publicity given by the FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's
+one-and-ninepenny luncheon basket. Many people are finding it more
+economical to purchase a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the
+train than to go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.
+
+       ***
+
+An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round has been laid by
+a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood that a proposal by the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard should be adopted as the compulsory
+minimum for the duration of the War is meeting with some opposition from
+Mr. PROTHERO.
+
+       ***
+
+"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the _Berliner
+Tageblatt_. We understand that, acting upon this advice, several high
+command officers have volunteered to sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.
+
+       ***
+
+The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from the date of
+their leaving work to those employees who until recently have been held
+under arrest for participation in the Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of
+making them a grant for Kit and Field allowances has not yet come under
+consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take flowers with
+them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral shall be a quiet one.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories for the U.S.
+Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted by a British firm. The
+explanation is of course that the former are primarily designed to enforce
+universal peace.
+
+       ***
+
+A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to assist in
+farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians--a jeweller, a hairdresser and
+a tailor. His complaint is, we understand, that while he wanted his land to
+be well-dressed he didn't want it overdone.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.
+
+CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.]
+
+       ***
+
+A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the announcement that it is
+still open for business, the action of the Court having only deprived it of
+the right to sell intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of
+_Hamlet_ without the familiar spirit.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in a
+recent address. Germany, we are happy to state, is war-weary and will soon
+be Maximilian-Hardened.
+
+       ***
+
+The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has been settled
+once for all. "The War has provided many incidents for this revue," says a
+stage paper of a new production.
+
+       ***
+
+A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in East Essex.
+The general idea is not new, though it is more usual to plant a rose-garden
+round your pig-sty, as a corrective.
+
+       ***
+
+It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official prohibition of
+"fishing, washing and bathing" in the St. James's Park pond is superfluous,
+as the pond was dried up two years ago. In view of the exceptional severity
+of the weather the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by
+another merely prohibiting skating.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider proposals for
+the reform of the British Consular service. The suggestion, however, that
+not more than seventy-five per cent. of our Consular representatives should
+be natives of Germany and the countries of her Allies seems a little too
+drastic.
+
+       ***
+
+"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a really ideal
+soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the Inns of Court O.T.C. On
+the other hand we still have a number of distinguished soldiers who before
+the War attached paramount importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.
+
+       ***
+
+The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the view of
+mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened streets. It is pointed out
+that the use of luminous language has already proved of extreme value in
+critical situations.
+
+       ***
+
+"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley Tribunal to an
+employer who was said to have an indoor staff of thirteen servants. As a
+beginning he proposes to take a reef in the butler.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will adversely affect
+the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says a manager, "require chocolate
+in the cinema." It is feared that they will have to go back to the
+old-fashioned plan of chewing the corner of the programme.
+
+       ***
+
+At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's shop. No blame
+attaches, we understand, to the driver, who sounded his gong three times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.
+
+    [The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the
+    Somme. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the effect
+    that the Germans have "reached the appointed goal."]
+
+  On footer fields two goals are situated,
+    One, as a rule, at either end:
+  This for attack (in front) is indicated,
+    And this (to rearward) you defend;
+  In your remark projected on the screen
+    You don't say which you mean.
+
+  If you refer to ours in that ambiguous
+    And filmy phrase, why then you lie;
+  And if to yours--we hope to be contiguous
+    To our objective by-and-by,
+  But for the present, though the end is sure,
+    Your statement's premature.
+
+  In fact--to follow up the sporting image
+    In which you "reach the appointed goal"--
+  With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage
+    Forward and back the fight will roll,
+  Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line
+    (This represents the Rhine).
+
+  Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,
+    And wish the call of Time were blown,
+  To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring
+    Gratuitously on his own,
+  You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)
+    To make the thing a draw.
+
+  Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll
+    Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at last,
+  Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,
+    He wants to blow the final blast;
+  Time will be called, I fancy, when the score
+    Suits us, and not before.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+    (_The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: On the Telephone_).
+
+_The King._ HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are you there, I say?
+
+_The Kaiser._ All right, all right. Who's talking?
+
+_The King._ KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the KAISER.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.
+
+_The King._ Is that you, WILLIE?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much time.
+
+_The King._ I say, the most awful thing has happened. The Allies have sent
+me an Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ A what?
+
+_The King._ An Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more
+plainly. I can't hear a word you say.
+
+_The King._ The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did you hear that time?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes, most of it.
+
+_The King._ Well.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well.
+
+_The King._ What do you think about it?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Not very much. Lots of other people have had ultimatums and
+haven't been one pfennig the worse for them.
+
+_The King._ Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums. It's a
+regular ultimatissimum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ What do they want you to do?
+
+_The King._ All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance, I am to move my
+troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get them out of harm's way.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, move them. What are troops for except to be moved
+about? You can always move them back again, you know. I keep on moving
+troops forward and backward all the time. It's a mere nothing when you once
+get accustomed to it. Just you try it and see. Anything more?
+
+_The King._ Yes; I'm to release from prison the followers of the
+pestilential VENIZELOS.
+
+_The Kaiser._ That's unpleasant, of course, for a patent Greek War-Lord;
+but I should do it if I were you, and then you can let me know how it
+feels.
+
+_The King._ Look here, William, I don't know what's the matter with you,
+but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny. You seem to think the whole
+affair's a sort of German joke. So it is, by Zeus--that's to say it's no
+joke at all.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Manners, TINO, manners.
+
+_The King._ I'm sick and tired of all this talk.
+
+_The Kaiser._ If you go on like that I shall not talk to you any more.
+
+_The King._ Don't say that; I could not bear such a loss. But, seriously,
+are you going to help as you promised?
+
+_The Kaiser._ I cannot help you now. You must play for time.
+
+_The King._ I've exhausted all the possibilities of playing for time. It
+wouldn't be the least good. They really mean it this time, and they've
+given me a strictly limited period for compliance.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, I suppose you know best, but I should have thought you
+could have spun out negotiations for a hit--given them a little promise
+here and a little promise there on the chance of something turning up.
+
+_The King._ The long and the short of it is that you promised to help us,
+but it was only a little promise here or there, and you don't mean to keep
+it. I shall accept the ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ The what? The telephone's buzzing again.
+
+_The King._ The ULTIMATUM!!
+
+_The Kaiser._ Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means accept it. And, by the
+way, I'm publishing a volume of my War-speeches, and will make a point of
+sending you an early copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.
+
+_The King._ Gr-r-r.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL GOVERNMENT.
+
+    "Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
+    ADVICE."--_Daily Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC MODESTY.
+
+    "The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the _Daily Gazette_
+    already exceeds that of last year's Christmas Number by more than 50
+    per cent. The sell is still going on actively."--_Daily Gazette
+    (Karachi)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yes, I think we have it at last--I mean the stranglehold round the
+    enemy's neck. I seem to hear the death rattle in his guttural
+    throat."--_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you might have
+    fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London, for the types of
+    well-turned-out men out-Englished the English, from top hat to
+    varnished boot."--_American Paper._
+
+That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNMADE IN GERMANY.
+
+BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE VIOLATION OF
+BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED. SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."
+
+(The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German pamphlet which
+ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and says that "nobody need be
+surprised at the rumour which is going through Germany that he has been
+bought by England.")]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_after bringing his men to attention, to
+knock-kneed recruit_). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON
+THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LV.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Notwithstanding the reckless speed of the leave train and
+the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company on the leave boat, our gallant
+warriors continue to volunteer in thousands for that desperate enterprise
+known as "Proceeding on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain
+artfulness in the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.
+
+In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon extending by any
+means short of the criminal the duration of the leave. When Robert first
+went on leave he was young and innocent. He had four days given him; he
+left his unit on the first of them and was back with it on the last of
+them. The second time he improved on this and left France very early on the
+morning of his first day and arrived in France again very late on the last
+night of it. Then his friend John regarded _his_ leave as beginning and
+ending in England, which, if the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at
+midnight, is not a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave
+was for seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His explanation
+was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on military authorities;
+after that, leave got fixed at ten days net, ten days of the inelastic
+sort.
+
+Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell and he is no man
+if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover, how is one to fill in the
+dismal vacuum subsequent on the return from one leave otherwise than by the
+discussion of subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The
+duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only remained to
+improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John ferreted about and became
+aware of the existence of a civilian train to the port and of a Staff boat
+to the other port. He worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin
+de Fer, and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very
+regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff boat. He was
+able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on the return journey, and
+had therefore every reason to be proud of his efforts. Nevertheless he
+firmly decided to say nothing about it to anybody lest the idea should get
+overworked. But he told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of
+other people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and is
+now (_vide_ General Routine Orders, _passim_) unworkable.
+
+There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next time. There are
+other ways of getting to ports than by train. Why hold aloof from Motor
+Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be above making a personal friend or two
+among them? And if Orders limit the use of cars to officers of very senior
+rank, why be too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to
+the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and if you want
+the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use arguing about it. You
+sulk unostentatiously in the background until both boats are full, and then
+you state a piteous case of urgent family affairs to the right officer, to
+find yourself eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in
+their special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he wangled
+it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months' time, he decided to
+tell no one about it, not even John. But he did tell John as soon as he saw
+him, and John told the world. Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got
+written, published, and very carefully brought to the attention of all
+ranks.
+
+The earth having become full of free booklets containing watertight rules
+and regulations for keeping officers to the straight and narrow path to the
+U.K., and the roads, railways, quays and gangways being policed with
+stalwarts whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into the
+sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the Officer in Charge. I am
+told, at first hand, that there is as much variety in the reasons urged in
+support of applications as there is in the manner of the applicants. They
+attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future in England, to shame
+him with gruesome pictures of their recent past in France, to hustle him
+with emergencies or special duties, or to bully him with dark references to
+unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself, who was highly
+suspicious even of me, until he understood that I only wanted one thing in
+the world, and that was someone interesting to talk to while I waited for
+the leave boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low
+cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to guess, he had
+proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as he said, this might suggest
+some hardness of heart on his part, but I readily agreed, was even the
+first to state, that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to
+assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned holiday. But he
+just couldn't do it. I put it for him that he was but the powerless and
+insignificant agent of an authority greater than himself.
+
+To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe answer. True, he had
+his duty to perform, and right well he performed it, we agreed. But he had
+also his powers, his responsibilities--might we say, his scope? Yet, I
+gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of himself and
+his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for example. I suggested
+(very cautiously) that it would require a very much greater authority than
+himself to give relief to an ordinary person like myself, with no stronger
+reason to travel by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future
+and domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing to that;
+I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I knew quite well that he
+would help me if he could. We were unanimous as to the kindness of his
+heart. It was because I quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask
+him or think of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for
+England--but not by the leave boat.
+
+Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor more able to
+be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the brethren. I bragged; and
+now I'm told there is a printed order posted outside that M.L.O.'s office,
+making it a crime punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave
+to converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the M.L.O.
+
+The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon this subject,
+is the application of a very earnest young lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would
+always obey all rules and regulations, both in letter and spirit, with
+scrupulous regard. His application is worth setting out in full:--"I have
+the honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married from
+January 9th to January 18th inclusive."
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."
+
+"DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE AUGUSTS.
+
+A WAR-TIME DRAMA.
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August, 1914._
+
+    _There is a door_ R., _leading into the hall. There is also a door_ L.,
+    _but it only leads into a cupboard that_ Mary _really needs._
+
+    Marmaduke Beltravers, _a well-dressed man of thirty-five, is standing
+    by a small table pressing his suit_ (_his matrimonial suit, of
+    course_), _but without success. His bold black eyes are flashing._
+    Mary's _lovely face (_by an ingenious manipulation of the limelight_)
+    is quivering._
+
+_Marmaduke Beltravers_ (_hoarsely_). I have laid at your feet my hand, my
+heart and my flourishing business, and thus--thus I am supplanted by that
+puling saint, George Jeffreys. A-ha!      [_Gnaws his moustache._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _an English gentleman._
+
+_George Jeffreys_ (_furiously_). You here? You hound! You blackguard! You
+...
+
+_Mary_ (_realising that this is going to be no place for a lady_). The
+butcher--know his ring.      [_Exit by door_ R.
+
+_G.J._ (_pointing fiercely to cupboard_). Go!
+
+_M.B._ (_going_). Bah! You triumph now, but my day will dawn yettah.
+(_Starts._) What was that?
+
+_Newsboy_ (_outside_). War with Germany! War with Germany!
+
+_G.J._ War? Then I am a pauper.      [_He does not say how, but presumably
+he knows best._
+
+_M.B._ (_ceasing to go_). My day has dawned _now_.
+
+_G.J._ How so?
+
+_M.B._ Your conscience calls you, does it not, to enlist? (George _nods._)
+I have no conscience. While you fight I shall continue to press my suit.
+
+_G.J._ (_despairingly to himself_). Alas! what chance will that sweet girl
+have against his dark saturnine beauty and his wealth? (_Aloud, hopefully,
+as a thought strikes him_) But stay--war with Germany--perhaps you are a
+pauper also?
+
+_M.B._ Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha!      [_Twirls his
+moustache._
+
+_G.J._ (_losing his temper_). Cur!      [_Exit, to enlist, into cupboard.
+Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain falls._
+
+ACT II.
+
+    _Hyde Park, August, 1915._
+
+    _A dozen energetic supers, by being extremely glad to see one another
+    very many times, are creating the illusion of a gay and fashionable
+    throng. Enter_ Marmaduke Beltravers _with_ Mary. _She is distraite._
+
+_M.B._ (_in full hearing of fashionable throng_). Darling, I have waited
+patiently for you. Say that you will marry me now.
+
+_Mary._ Marmaduke, you are rich, you are beautiful and you are kind to me
+in your rather wicked way. But, alas! I cannot forget the noble figure of
+George--my George.     [_She sobs._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _in the uniform of a private._
+
+_G.J._ Mary!
+
+_M.B._ (_intervening jauntily_). Well, my man?
+
+_G.J._ (_his vocabulary strengthened by Army life_). You dash blank
+blighter! You ruddy plague-spot!
+
+_Mary_ (_gazing at him with horror_). Oh, George,
+those--clothes--don't--fit!      [_Sobs heartbrokenly._
+
+_M.B._ (_striking while the iron is hot_). Mary, you shall choose between
+us, here and now.
+
+_G.J._ (_yearningly_). Mary, with you to cheer me on I will win the V.C. I
+swear it. My beloved, come with me; there will be a separation allowance.
+
+_Mary_ (_shuddering_). Not in those trousers. I--can't.      [_She swoons
+in_ Marmaduke's _arms._ George _raises his fist to strike_ Marmaduke.
+_Enter_ Sergeant Tompkins.
+
+_Sergt. T._ 'Ere, none o' that. Private Jeffreys, 'SHUN! Right--TURN!
+About--TURN! Left--TURN! Quick--MARCH!      [_Exit_ George _to win V.C._
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT III.
+
+    Marmaduke's _Mansion in Park Lane, August, 1916._
+
+    [_Enter_ Mary Beltravers (_née_ Gray), _unhappy._
+
+_Mary._ My little dog--my only friend--I cannot find him. (_She rummages
+absently among the papers on her husband's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a
+document, reads it through and clutches at her throat._) My husband--a
+German ser-py! (_She turns savagely on_ Marmaduke, _who has just entered._)
+So this--this is the source of our wealth! Your munitions arm our enemies.
+You play the German game.
+
+_M.B._ (_simply_). I do. I have a birth qualification.
+
+_Mary_ (_wildly_). But I'll thwart you; I'll denounce you (_seizes
+telephone_). You shall rue the day you married a true daughter of England.
+
+_M.B._ (_with sinister significance_). Remember, Mary, "to love, honour and
+OBEY." Put down that instrument.      [_With a gesture of despair she lets
+the receiver fall, thus driving the girl at the exchange nearly frantic.
+Suddenly the door is thrown open. Enter_ Captain George Jeffreys _with_
+Sergeant-Major Tompkins _and squad of soldiers._
+
+_G.J._ Marmaduke Beltravers, _né_ Heinrich Hoggenheimer, the game is up.
+(Marmaduke _dashes to the window. The dozen supers outside raise a howl of
+execration mingled with cries of "Lynch the spy!_") You see, there is no
+way of escape.
+
+_M.B._ (_drawing revolver_). You shall not long enjoy your triumph. I have
+but one cartridge, but perchance it will be enough for you.      [_Pulls
+trigger, but finds action rather stiff._
+
+_G.J._ Look out, Mary! These things are rather tricky in inexperienced
+hands.      [Marmaduke _succeeds in pulling trigger. There is a violent
+explosion and a large hole appears in_ George's _breeches._
+
+_G.J._ (_calmly to the baffled_ Marmaduke). Bad luck! That's my cork one. I
+lost the original when I got this.      [_Touches V.C. pinned on his
+breast._
+
+_M.B._ (_annoyed_). Curse, and curse again!      [_Gnawing his moustache he
+falls in with squad._
+
+_Sergt.-Major T._ Prisoner and escort, 'SHUN! Stand at--EASE. 'SHUN. Move
+to the right in fours. Form--FOURS. RIGHT. By the left, quick--MARCH.
+[_Exeunt, leaving_ Mary _in_ George's _arms. The howls of execration
+redouble. Then there is a tense silence, broken by the sound of a volley._
+
+_George._ Mary, my own! At last!
+
+_Mary._ My hero.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.
+
+The enterprise of the London and North-Western Railway officials, in
+designing a button to obviate delays at the gate caused by the new
+show-your-season order, has (we understand) spurred other lines to a
+similar ingenuity. Below are some of the latest novelties in
+ticket-substitutes.
+
+THE POM-POM.--May be worn in any variety of hat. Very suitable for short
+travellers. A simple inclination of the head permits verification by the
+inspector. Made in two shades--dark green, covering any distance up to
+twenty-five miles of town, or red (as worn by anarchists and the staff of
+the L. & S.W.R.), covering a journey up to fifty miles.
+
+UMBRELLA AND STICK TOPS, unscrewable, faced with plate-glass, permitting
+the insertion of a ticket, and its easy verification on being thrust under
+the nose of an official. Special quality fitted with small electric bulb
+for evening wear.
+
+For those who desire a really striking and chic novelty, that up-to-date
+line, the Great Eccentric, is reported to have engaged a staff of expert
+tattoo artists, who will puncture the date and designation of the pass upon
+the left cheek of the holder. Being not only elegant in design but
+practically irremovable, these markings will form a permanent and
+increasingly interesting memento of the Great War. Price according to
+distance and lettering.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.
+
+_First C.O._ "_I_ TELL YOU WHAT. FIND ME A MAN WHO CAN COOK CUTLETS
+DECENTLY, AND YOU SHALL HAVE OUR SECOND-BEST PIERROT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACTLESS.
+
+    "THANKSGIVING SERVICE on Sunday, February 18th, Canon ----'s last day
+    as Vicar of ----."--_Midland Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE OBVIOUS.
+
+    "There is very general agreement in banking circles in the City as to
+    the satisfactory character of the response which has already been made
+    to the new War Loan, but good though it has been, the total must still
+    be small compared with the need, and must fall infinitely short of the
+    figure aimed at, which, of course, is unlimited."--_Sunday Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SMILE OF VICTORY.
+
+    [According to Reuter's Washington Correspondent, women suffragists have
+    of late regularly picketed the White House. When President WILSON
+    appears "they deploy so that he cannot fail to see their banners. The
+    President smiles broadly and passes on."]
+
+  Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical speeches
+  And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches,
+  Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its portals--
+  Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.
+
+  He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries off
+  To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;
+  And, while studying closely his putts, to explore
+  The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.
+
+  To cope with emergency once in a way
+  Is nothing to facing it every day;
+  And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is seen,
+  He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.
+
+  O happy idealist! Others may weep
+  At the crimes and the horrors that murder their sleep;
+  You've two perfect specifics your cares to beguile--
+  An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb when he
+    could live at Bournemouth?'"--_Morning Paper._
+
+The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it had not come
+    Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised goat is fate would have
+    been miserable beyond swallowed by the boat-constrictor, so Great
+    Britain would have been absorbed by Germany."--_Evening Paper._
+
+With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift of the
+paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a new kind of
+submarine?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR LAND-WORKERS.
+
+_Mabel_ (_discussing a turn for the village Red Cross Concert_). "WHAT
+ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS GIRLS?"
+
+_Ethel._ "YES--BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INFANTRYMAN.
+
+  The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury,
+  The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,
+  The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back,
+  In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack;
+  Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job, say I)
+  Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on high,
+  But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began
+  Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman.
+
+  The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in,
+  And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s begin,
+  And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet,
+  But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet.
+  Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit,
+  He's always there where the fighting is--he's there unless he's hit;
+  Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can;
+  He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantryman!
+
+  Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging mire--
+  Steady in front, go steady! Close up there!  Mind the wire!
+  Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of the ditch, jump
+      clear!
+  Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck when the shells come
+      near!
+  Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench,
+  With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden
+      khaki's stench!
+  Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can--
+  This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE IS THE CENSOR?
+
+    "A woman has been fined £10 for chipping lyddite out of a shell which
+    had been over-filled by means of a screwdriver."--_Evening Paper._
+
+We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform the enemy in this
+way of our methods of filling shells.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DEAD FROST.
+
+PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"
+
+"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF PETROL IN THE BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.
+
+_From Adjutant to O.C. A Company._
+
+Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please expedite.
+
+(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last Sunday? Isn't it
+positively the outside edge?)
+
+  ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,
+      _Mrs. and Adjutant._
+
+
+_Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant._
+
+I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday, as otherwise I
+shall not be able to attend the sales, and my Sam Browne is quite the
+dowdiest in tho whole battalion.
+
+  JOAN DARLING,
+      _Second-Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster._
+
+Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for bottle, scent,
+one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has not been supplied with bottle
+since joining this unit I take it that such will be a free issue.
+
+  EMMA PIPP,
+      _Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. A Company to Quartermaster._
+
+Please note fact that the boots, khaki suède uppers, pair, one, issued
+yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not supplied with regulation
+Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are therefore herewith returned.
+
+  BOADICEA BLUNT.
+      _Capt. O.C. A Coy._
+
+
+_From O.C. B Company to O.C. D Company._
+
+Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O. Jones, B
+Company, attached D Company, for your attention and necessary action,
+please.
+
+(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged, and she has
+asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be bridesmaids! Not that _I_
+wanted to take it on. But think of poor dear O.C. C! _Won't_ she look
+too-too?)
+
+  MILDRED NORTON,
+      _Capt. O.C. B Coy._
+
+
+_From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O. Marshall._
+
+Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of Survey, which
+assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st for the purpose of
+inquiring into the circumstances whereby box, powder, face, one, on charge
+of this unit, became used up suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for
+the necessary witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to
+the Adjutant in triplicate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR MILITARY EXPERTS.
+
+    "The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly and with luck,
+    would involve a threat to the French left and to the communications
+    with Italy."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of Holland would in
+very much the same way threaten the British right and our communications
+with Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering parrots is
+    advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent announcements from the
+    battlefields of Europe that 'brayless' mules have been perfected for
+    trench and other battle-front labours by a simple operation on the
+    nostrils and the nerves affecting the vocal cords."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Why not speechless Presidents?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XVI.
+
+MARYLEBONE.
+
+  Mary Lebone
+    She gets no meat,
+  She never has anything
+    Nice to eat;
+  A supper fit
+    For a dog alone
+  Is all the fare
+    Of poor Mary Lebone.
+  She squats by the corner
+    Of Baker Street
+  And snuffs the air
+    So spicy and sweet
+  When the Bakers are baking
+    Their puddings and pies,
+  Their buns and their biscuits
+    And Banburies--
+  A tart for Jocelyn
+    A cake for Joan,
+  And nothing at all
+    For poor Mary Lebone!
+
+XVII.
+
+SCOTLAND YARD.
+
+  "How long's the Yard in Scotland?
+    Tell me that now, Mother."
+  "Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,
+    Just like any other."
+  "O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?"
+    "No more than thirty-seven."
+  "Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid
+    Will never get to heaven."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger._ "I HEAR THEY'RE THINKING OF ELECTRIFYING THIS
+PART OF THE LINE."
+
+_Porter._ "AY; THEY'RE ALLUS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME. THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING
+_US_ NEXT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWARD.
+
+Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a free-and-easy way with him.
+His free-and-easy way shows itself chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and
+waving his hand to all those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is
+talkative at times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is
+limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several words, or
+says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I have--or a less rigid
+regard for the truth.
+
+You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To be exact, it is
+thirteen months since he first saw the light in this troubled world. Not
+that the world is a troubled one to Edward; on the contrary.
+
+Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the sea-front of his
+native town. His free-and-easy way has secured him a large circle of
+acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen stop and speak to him, which he
+likes, so long as they do not pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent
+among elderly gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises,
+though in their hearts they are probably comparing him unfavourably with
+their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a cheery life.
+
+Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little man--so little,
+indeed, that most people would have called him a dwarf. He was walking in
+the same direction as Edward, and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand
+and smiled and waved again.
+
+For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at length he felt
+obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate, who propels the perambulator,
+"Seems friendly like;" to which Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to
+everyone."
+
+Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled by that remark.
+For myself I may say that, though Edward always smiles when we meet, I do
+not greatly value it because I know he smiles in the same way upon everyone
+else.
+
+But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with "everyone," to be
+placed by Edward on an equality with the strong and graceful, sent a warm
+glow to his heart.
+
+So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the boy-scouts, done one
+good deed that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The system of women and girls acting as field labourers, ploughing and
+    shepherding, etc., in itself produces a rough state of
+    society."--_Country Life._
+
+However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the following:--
+
+    "ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.
+
+    "Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's College, 6."--_The Times._
+
+Splendid! These colleges think of everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.
+
+So much good has notoriously been done during the great conflict by letters
+to the Press that Mr. Punch, recognising the importance of having this
+branch of War-work taught to the young, has engaged a gentleman of ample
+leisure and few responsibilities, who hides behind the _nom de guerre_
+"Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of instructive lectures on the
+subject. By the time the student has absorbed a complete course he will he
+qualified to write to the papers on any topic, and, to adopt every tone
+from the pleading and querulous to the indignant and hectoring. From this
+can follow nothing less than the complete rout of the Germans.
+
+SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.
+
+_I.--A World in Darkness._
+
+The world before newspapers--Unbearable thought--No Street and no Man in
+it--Unfortunate position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL,
+CÆSAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military experts--Their
+fatal ignorance of public opinion--Serious handicaps in the past--LEONIDAS
+never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip--ALCIBIADES never stimulated by attacks
+in Athens journals--No brainy onlooker at defeat of Armada.
+
+_II.--The Growth of the Press._
+
+The birth of a happier era--The first English newspaper--Rapid development
+of the new arm--A nation made articulate--Unfortunate quietistic
+tendencies: ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON--Foreshadowings of the real
+thing--Arrival of the real thing--The Fourth Estate--The Tenth Muse--The
+Editor as Dictator--The Millennium.
+
+_III.--The Vigilant Correspondent._
+
+The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth--Importance of attending to other
+people's affairs--True citizenship the improvement of one's
+neighbours--Neglect of one's own character a national virtue--Brief sketch
+of Paul Pry--Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty--Keepers of the public
+conscience--Human alarm-clocks--Samples of reforms delayed by absence of
+letters to the Press--The circulation of the blood--The law of gravity--The
+movement of the solar system--Value of iteration and undauntability.
+
+_IV.--Range of Subject._
+
+Every stick useful in beating dogs--Nothing too trivial to yoke with such
+words as "scandal" and "outrage"--Suspicion and mistrust the
+letter-writer's life-blood--Necessity for believing everyone in office
+negligent or corrupt--Reasons why it is better to write to the papers than
+to the individual--The sacredness of publicity--Importance also of victim
+seeing the indictment--Value of _Who's Who?_--Postal rates for newspapers.
+
+_V.--Signatures._
+
+Real names and pseudonyms--Cases where real names are best--Cases where
+pseudonyms are best--Danger of giving both name and address--The
+Knobkerry--The Dog-Whip--The Art of Self-Defence--The Law Directory--Choice
+of pseudonyms--Latin _v._ English--An Advantage of "One Who Knows" over
+"Audi Alteram Partem"--"Scrutator" better than "Spectator ab extra"--"One
+who is doing his bit" better than "Junius"--Reasons for "War-Winner" being
+the best at present moment.
+
+_VI.--Model Letter with Remarks._
+
+At the present moment no type of letter is more effective than the
+following:--
+
+SIR,--Could anything be more deplorable than the spectacle, which every
+hour of the day and night affords, of young and vigorous men made up to
+look like grandfathers. I am told that the theatrical costumiers and
+perruquiers are worn to a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible
+shirkers have subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful
+influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a courageous
+investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of London, were to snatch
+at the bald scalps so much in evidence there, he would in nine cases out of
+ten find that they came away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the
+youthful and fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I
+shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and vigilant and
+their net so tightly drawn that no one can get through; but we all know
+what bunglers the English authorities are, whether at the War Office or
+elsewhere. It is only in newspaper offices that true efficiency can be
+found. I enclose my card and am,
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+      "WAR-WINNER."
+
+Analysis of above--Reasons for thinking it perfect--Importance of
+compliment to editors--Estimate of its probable result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extremes.
+
+    "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers) and
+    commanded that famous regiment in the Boer War."--_Evening
+    Telegraph_ (_Dundee_).
+
+    "Sergeant ----, who is 2 years of age, is married, and has two
+    children."--_Same Paper, same date._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was bitten by a made
+    bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last evening by the Talaimannar train
+    for treatment."--_Ceylon Independent._
+
+But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a shoemaker's advertisement:
+
+    "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."--_High River Times_ (_Alberta,
+    Canada_).
+
+The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written to me I have
+    the honour to reply that they are all blackguards."--_Advt. in
+    Ceylon Paper._
+
+Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in full sympathy
+with the writer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW
+YOU'RE A SOLDIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.
+
+    (_Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on eccentric place
+    names._)
+
+  Now that the rise in railway fares
+    (At which no patriot cavils)
+  Has chained us elders to our chairs
+    And circumscribed our travels,
+  I love to play the festive game
+    Of astral gravitation
+  To any neighbourhood whose name
+    Is fraught with fascination.
+
+  I've never sampled in the flesh
+    The varied charms of Bootle,
+  But mentally I find them fresh
+    And redolent of footle;
+  And, though my steps to that resort
+    I never up till now bent,
+  Imagination can transport
+    My spirit into Chowbent.
+
+  Always alert upon the track
+    Of rich and strange emotion,
+  To Pudsey and to Wibsey Slack
+    I pay my fond devotion;
+  My heart is in the Highlands oft,
+    Though age its glow enfeebles,
+  And soars triumphantly aloft
+    At the mere sound of Peebles.
+
+  The nightingale in leafy June,
+    I own, divinely warbles,
+  But equal magic fills the tune-
+    ful name of Scotia's Gorbals;
+  And if you ever should desire
+    A subject to wax funny on,
+  What theme more fitly can inspire
+    The Muse than Ballybunnion?
+
+  Some places on my astral rounds
+    I'm strong upon tabooing,
+  On anti-alcoholic grounds
+    Grogport and Rum eschewing;
+  But no such painful stigma robs
+    Proud Potto of its lustre,
+  Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and Stobs,
+    A memorable cluster.
+
+  The pictures rising in my brain
+    Are strange; sometimes I muddle 'em,
+  Confounding Pleck with Plodder Lane,
+    Titley with Tillietudlem;
+  In short, it's not a game of skill,
+    Else I should scarce essay at;
+  But it is harmless, costs me _nil_;
+    And nobody need play it.
+
+  The plan is simple; choose a spot,
+    Then focus with decision
+  Your thoughts upon it till you've got
+    A clear-cut mental vision;
+  And though from fact it widely errs,
+    Remember in conclusion
+  Only the man of prose prefers
+    Eyewitness to illusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
+
+Extract from a soldier's letter:--
+
+    "DEAR MOTHER,--I am thoroughly run down, and have grown so thin that
+    when I get a pain in my middle I cannot tell whether it is a backache
+    or a stomachache."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each station along the route by
+    rending sacred songs and solos as The Kano Express drew in."--_Lagos
+    Weekly Record._
+
+"That's torn it," said the conductor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Britons never shall be slaves if they will only remember the solemn
+    warning of the author of the words--'To thine own self be true, and
+    then thou canst be false to any man.'"--_Letter in Scotch Paper._
+
+One recognises the note of liberty, but we fear the writer must have got
+hold of a German edition of "Unser Shakspeare."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+As Jim and me lies in hospital gettin' better from our wounds we talks over
+what we've been through in this War.
+
+There was the time when we was billeted with Mrs. Dawkins, just before we
+went to the Front, which dwells in our memories. When the billetin' orficer
+introduced us into her kitchen Mrs. Dawkins went down on the bricks and
+prayed she might do her duty by the two noble defenders of her country--she
+meant me and Jim--who the Lord had pleased to deliver into her care. Then
+she begun unlacin' Jim's boots. In a minute Mr. Dawkins come in; he said we
+was hearty welcome, and was just goin' to shake 'ands with us when Mrs.
+Dawkins turned on 'im and asked 'im what he meant by standin' there like a
+gawk and not unlacin' mine. Jim and me was very uncomfortable.
+
+Then some little Dawkinses come in, Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda, and
+was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their respecks to us, and do it proper or
+she'd know the reason why. Sammy saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him
+unmerciful. Jim and me begun to feel regler low-spirited.
+
+After that she set out the tea. It was as butiful a tea as we could wish
+for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste and sardines, and bein' hungry after
+a long march we cheered up and looked forward to enjoyin' it. As was
+correck Jim 'anded all the dishes to Mrs. Dawkins first, but she said, "No,
+thank you, such things are for the defenders of the country, and it is our
+duty to provide them, but bread-and-dripping is good enough for me and Mr.
+Dawkins and the children."
+
+Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda all begun to cry, and their father sat
+lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery. It clean took away our appetites.
+She piled our plates with jam and sardines, but we couldn't swaller a
+mouthful with them poor kids sobbin' all round the table. We was thankful
+they was put to bed before supper. Mrs. Dawkins fried potaters and sausages
+and set 'em down in front of me Jim, with a jug of porter, and she and
+Dawkins and a young man lodger sat at the other end, behind half a Dutch
+cheese and some water. All the meals was the same.
+
+There was only three rooms upstairs, and Jim and me couldn't make out how
+it was we had a bedroom apiece till we come across the lodger sleepin' on
+the kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle and Sammy in one of the dresser
+drawers. Then we asked to be allowed to sleep together, with the lodger to
+one side; but Mrs. Dawkins said, "I thank the Lord we're blessed with two
+good beds in our house, and as long as I have two defenders of the country
+in my care I should like to catch anyone belonging to me getting into
+either of their beds. If we're all getting wore out for want of sleep we
+can't help ourselves, we're doing our duty."
+
+Then she asked Jim if he was warm enough nights, and before he'd time to
+think he'd blurted out he wasn't quite. That evening she come down
+shiverin' to supper in her petticut, and said what did it matter her
+catchin' her death of cold if them she had in her care slept warm and
+comfortable under her meriner skirt. We felt downright brutes.
+
+But what hurt us most was the way them kids took against us. Me and Jim is
+fond of kids, and we wanted to make friends and play with 'em, but it
+weren't no good. They was always puttin' their tongues out at us when Mrs.
+Dawkins' back was turned and talkin' loud to one another: "I say, Sammy, I
+'ates soldiers, don't you? Soldiers is greedy; poor little children don't
+have nothink where soldiers is. Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says his 'ome
+is a 'ell since the soldiers come. 'Ere they are walkin' down the street.
+Quick, Billy! Mother ain't lookin'; turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."
+
+To make up for her kindness to us Jim and me tried to do little odd jobs
+about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but somehow it all turned to wormwood. We
+slipped out early one Sunday morning and begun siftin' the cinders in the
+backyard, but she caught sight of us and 'ollered so at Dawkins she woke up
+all the neighbours: "How can you lay there snorin', you great lazy
+good-for-nothing, and look on while the defenders of your country is
+wearin' themselves out 'siftin' your cinders?"
+
+Dawkins tumbled off the mangle, thinkin' it was a fire, and he swore
+terrible at me and Jim.
+
+The young man lodger took against us too. When his washin' was on the line
+we couldn't help noticin' he was very bad off for underclothes, and Jim and
+me, havin' more shirts and socks that kind ladies had give us than we
+knowed how' to wear, we took the liberty of wrappin' three of each in paper
+with a label, "Hopin' no offence," and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse
+where he was in the habit of doin' his hair. We was pleased to notice next
+day he had got one of the shirts on. Of course we made no remark; no more
+did he. But at supper-time Mrs. Dawkins caught sight of his cuffs. She took
+the poor feller by the collar and we was afraid she would have shook the
+life out of him.
+
+"You thievin' rascal!" she said. "To think I should 'arbour in my house a
+man as ain't ashamed to rob the defenders of his country of the shirts off
+their backs!" Then she begun callin' for the police.
+
+Jim and me tried to explain, but it weren't no use. The first chance he had
+the young man lodger got out through the door. He come back in half a
+minute with his feet bare and his weskit all anyhow. The shirts and socks
+was under his arm.
+
+"Damn you and yer clothes!" he said, and flung 'em at me and Jim. It were
+very disheartenin'.
+
+When it come to leavin' we felt we ought to show our gratitude for the
+treatment we had received by makin' Mrs. Dawkins a little present. Bein' of
+an uncommon disposition it were difficult to choose what would please her.
+I were in favour of a pink shawl; but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin'
+anybody any more clothes. In the end we chose a pair of earrings.
+
+Directly we give 'em to her we saw we'd done wrong. She turned on Dawkins
+like a hyener. "'Ave I done my duty and starved us all to death and given
+them two the best in the house and slept cold every night to be paid in
+gewgaws?" she said. "Didn't I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it agen? and
+are you a man or a cur that you stand there expectin' me to put them things
+into my ears instead of behind the fire?" In another minute the earrings
+was melted. It were some consolation to me and Jim that she didn't refuse
+to shake 'ands with us when we come away; but Dawkins did, and so did the
+young man lodger, and all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We never have
+been able to make out who were to blame. We thinks sometimes it were Mrs.
+Dawkins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it strikes the Hyphenated.
+
+An extract from _Los Angeles Germania_, which describes itself as "An
+American newspaper printed in the German and American languages":--
+
+    "At last the mask is removed from the hypocritical face of England. The
+    cloven hoof of British insolence has struck square into the face of
+    Uncle Sam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Holders of the old War Loan who are not yet converted to conversion may be
+led to a decision by the discovery that "BONAR LAW" spells "War Loan 'B.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses' Home where nurses do not sleep."--
+     _Women's Employment._
+
+Applicants should beware, as insomnia is very catching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "KEEP YER POINT UP LIKE YER DOIN' NOW, CAN'T
+YER? YOU WON'T NEVER GET YER MAN IF YER DON'T KEEP YER POINT UP. HAVE YER
+NEVER DONE NO BAYONET PRACTICE BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_ (_just out of hospital, very bored_). "I'VE DONE THIS 'ERE TO THE
+BLOOMIN' BOSCHES, I 'AVE."
+
+_Sergeant._ "OH. YOU 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? NO WONDER THE WAR'S LASTED TWO AND A
+'ALF YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE wrote, some
+years ago, about a pack of schoolmasters who got so monstrously upon one
+another's nerves that the result was attempted murder? I have just been
+reading a new story that may be regarded as the female counterpart of the
+same tragedy. _Regiment of Women_ (HEINEMANN) is described as a first
+novel; and there are indeed signs of this in a certain verbosity and
+diffuseness of attack. But it is at least equally clear that the writer,
+CLEMENCE DANE, has the root of the matter in her. As in the book with which
+I have compared it, the setting of this is scholastic--a girls' school
+here, with all its restricted outlook, its small intrigues, and exaggerated
+friendships, mercilessly exposed. You will be willing to admit that it is
+at least aptly named when I tell you that not till page 135 does so much as
+the shadow of a man appear, and then but fleetingly as the father of the
+poor child, _Louise_, the tragedy of whose death is the central incident of
+the book. Naturally it can be nothing else than a painful story; in
+particular the figure of _Clare_, the adored teacher, whose cruel
+egoistical friendship, with its alternations of encouragement and
+brutality, first drives _Louise_ to suicide, and all but wrecks the life of
+the young assistant-mistress, _Alwynne_, has in it something coldly
+sinister that haunts the memory. But of its power there can be no question.
+On one small point of psychology I am at issue with the writer. I doubt
+whether the child _Louise_ could have played _Arthur_ in the school
+theatricals so marvellously as we are asked to believe without cheering
+herself, by such an artistic success, out of the temptation to suicide. But
+the ways of morbidity are unsearchable, and this is no more than an
+expression of individual opinion. It is not meant to qualify my admiration
+for the skill of this remarkable and arresting story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the long postponement of the appearance of another novel--_Vesprie
+Towers_ (SMITH, ELDER)--by the late Mr. THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am
+careful not to say it does) that the author never intended it to see the
+light of day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have been wisdom
+in that decision, for the story of _Violet Vesprie_, though touched with a
+certain charm and distinction, sadly lacks the imaginative intensity of
+_Aylwin_. The plot is commonplace, being the familiar record of how the
+country seat of a once illustrious family nearly, but of course not quite,
+passed into the hands of strangers when the last of the race came to
+poverty. Even the inevitable flight to London is not spared us or the
+heroine, and it is really only when the writer tires of his attempted
+conventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The return of
+_Violet_ to her old home, for instance, is most fortunate in its failure to
+follow the rules, that attractive young lady being quite content to be
+whisked back in the turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the
+place she loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle has been
+wrought; while we, reader and author alike, equally in the dark, are too
+happy to have her home to worry about it either, preferring to wander with
+her through the dear old rooms and let explanations go hang. Anyhow,
+perhaps one can forgive a certain amount of looseness in a story that holds
+such pleasant things as a family rainbow, an "osier ait" and a sailor-poet
+worshipping from afar. And indeed, though far from brilliant, the book is
+really rather lovable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Leatherwood God_ (JENKINS) Mr. W.D. HOWELLS has written a powerful
+and very interesting study of an unusual theme. Religious mania, and those
+queer manifestations of it that hover uncertainly between fraud and
+hysteria, have always provided a subject of attraction for the curious. Mr.
+HOWELLS sets his romance in the early days of the last century, at the
+backwoods settlement of _Leatherwood_, where the community of the faithful
+are perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a stranger, one _Dylks_, who
+claims divine origin and the power to work miracles. Actually, this _Dylks_
+was about as bad a hat as any made. He had deserted his legal wife,
+_Nancy_, and allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry a _de facto_
+husband whom she adored. So you will see that the turning up again of
+Number One, unrecognised and surrounded by the trappings of god-head and
+the adoration of the Elect, creates for _Nancy_ a very pretty and absorbing
+problem in social ethics. But Mr. HOWELLS has done more than this. Having
+shown _Dylks_ as the arch-villain and impostor that he is, he proceeds to
+the subtler task of enlisting our sympathy for him. It is this that gives
+the story its higher quality. The horror of the poor wretch's position,
+driven on by his own words, almost, in time, coming himself to a kind of
+belief in them, haunted always by the increasing demands of his dupes, is
+most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end we hear of his death
+(by suicide or accident) with an emotion of relief and pity that is a real
+tribute to his creator. _The Leatherwood God_ is not a long story, but for
+concentrated power it deserves to be classed amongst the outstanding work
+of the season.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter--of course in a strictly
+literary sense. It must at this moment have required some courage to make
+your hero an agent of the British Secret Service. And having done this she
+certainly shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the situation so
+created. In the interest of his profession, and for no reward save the
+service of his country, _Marcus Janover_ is called upon to sacrifice love,
+friendship, even his personal honour. Just how all this comes about I leave
+you to discover by _The Light above the Cross Roads_ (DUCKWORTH). It is a
+powerful and highly original story that has the distinction of breaking
+entirely new ground in war-novels. The scenes of it, laid partly in
+Ireland, partly in Berlin, or behind the German lines, are themselves
+guarantees of the unusual. One slight criticism that I have to make rises
+from the question whether so expert an "agent" as _Marcus_ would really
+employ blot-producing ink for his map tracery when, on his own confession,
+he might have used pencil. But if the blots had not been there the
+Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning of _Marcus's_ presence
+amongst them) would never have arrested _Ursule_, and thus provided a
+dramatic and unhackneyed situation. There is a gravity and distinction,
+moreover, about the tale that somehow reminds me of the late Monsignor
+BENSON. It is undoubtedly a story that should be read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am rather puzzled what to say about the _The Grey Shepherd_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), because it is essentially a story that will appeal very
+differently to readers of different temperaments. Some people will say,
+"How beautiful!" Others perhaps, "How precious!" and both with a certain
+truth. For my own part, I should select a middle course, and say that Mrs.
+J.E. BUCKROSE has had a wholly admirable idea for a short story, which she
+has done her best to spoil by enlarging it to book dimensions, and a little
+over-sweetening it. There is real delicacy and beauty in her theme. The
+youth forced by partial blindness to give up all the hopes for which he had
+been educated, who becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his pipe
+(musical) and the simplicities of country lore for the loss of love and
+ambition; and eventually, after his death, is deified by rustic tradition
+into a supernatural helper of "all things that are kind"--here is an idea
+for the tenderest handling. My feeling is, while giving Mrs. BUCKROSE every
+credit for such an inspiration, that she should have been a little sterner
+with herself over the treatment, and thus avoided a certain stickiness that
+may irritate those who prefer the simplicity of nature to a not quite
+sufficiently concealed art. But, as I began by saying, it all depends on
+the individual palate; and, anyhow, the book has the historic excuse of
+being a very little one, which you can read, with pleasure or irritation,
+within the hour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels in which the hero
+and heroine dally over-long in falling in love you will get it by reading
+_The Fur-Bringers_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon
+preliminaries, not a minute; and as soon as _Ambrose Deane_ and _Colina
+Gaviller_ have met and discovered at sight that they are just made for each
+other the really exciting part of the story begins. I forget how many times
+_Ambrose_ is arrested during the course of the tale, but I do know that
+things keep on happening all the time, and that the rescue of the hero by
+the Indian girl _Nesis_ is delightfully told. Altogether Mr. HULBERT
+FOOTNER'S picture of the life of a trader in Athabasca is particularly
+attractive. I like it all, including the cover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOUCEUR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a discharged
+    soldier, was sentenced to ten months' imprisonment for bigamy."--_Pall
+    Mall Gazette._
+
+  A proper verdict this, that for a while
+  Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14516 ***