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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14516 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14516-h.htm or 14516-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h/14516-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 152
+
+JANUARY 31, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The birth-rate in Berlin, it appears, is considerably lower this year than
+last. We can quite understand this reluctance to being born a German just
+now.
+
+       ***
+
+The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove beyond doubt
+that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans would have won this
+battle.
+
+       ***
+
+The German military authorities have declined to introduce bathless days.
+Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal habits that the Teuton does
+not pursue to a vicious excess.
+
+       ***
+
+Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the Midland Railway
+owing to the publicity given by the FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's
+one-and-ninepenny luncheon basket. Many people are finding it more
+economical to purchase a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the
+train than to go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.
+
+       ***
+
+An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round has been laid by
+a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood that a proposal by the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard should be adopted as the compulsory
+minimum for the duration of the War is meeting with some opposition from
+Mr. PROTHERO.
+
+       ***
+
+"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the _Berliner
+Tageblatt_. We understand that, acting upon this advice, several high
+command officers have volunteered to sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.
+
+       ***
+
+The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from the date of
+their leaving work to those employees who until recently have been held
+under arrest for participation in the Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of
+making them a grant for Kit and Field allowances has not yet come under
+consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take flowers with
+them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral shall be a quiet one.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories for the U.S.
+Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted by a British firm. The
+explanation is of course that the former are primarily designed to enforce
+universal peace.
+
+       ***
+
+A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to assist in
+farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians--a jeweller, a hairdresser and
+a tailor. His complaint is, we understand, that while he wanted his land to
+be well-dressed he didn't want it overdone.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.
+
+CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.]
+
+       ***
+
+A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the announcement that it is
+still open for business, the action of the Court having only deprived it of
+the right to sell intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of
+_Hamlet_ without the familiar spirit.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in a
+recent address. Germany, we are happy to state, is war-weary and will soon
+be Maximilian-Hardened.
+
+       ***
+
+The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has been settled
+once for all. "The War has provided many incidents for this revue," says a
+stage paper of a new production.
+
+       ***
+
+A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in East Essex.
+The general idea is not new, though it is more usual to plant a rose-garden
+round your pig-sty, as a corrective.
+
+       ***
+
+It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official prohibition of
+"fishing, washing and bathing" in the St. James's Park pond is superfluous,
+as the pond was dried up two years ago. In view of the exceptional severity
+of the weather the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by
+another merely prohibiting skating.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider proposals for
+the reform of the British Consular service. The suggestion, however, that
+not more than seventy-five per cent. of our Consular representatives should
+be natives of Germany and the countries of her Allies seems a little too
+drastic.
+
+       ***
+
+"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a really ideal
+soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the Inns of Court O.T.C. On
+the other hand we still have a number of distinguished soldiers who before
+the War attached paramount importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.
+
+       ***
+
+The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the view of
+mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened streets. It is pointed out
+that the use of luminous language has already proved of extreme value in
+critical situations.
+
+       ***
+
+"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley Tribunal to an
+employer who was said to have an indoor staff of thirteen servants. As a
+beginning he proposes to take a reef in the butler.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will adversely affect
+the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says a manager, "require chocolate
+in the cinema." It is feared that they will have to go back to the
+old-fashioned plan of chewing the corner of the programme.
+
+       ***
+
+At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's shop. No blame
+attaches, we understand, to the driver, who sounded his gong three times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.
+
+    [The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the
+    Somme. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the effect
+    that the Germans have "reached the appointed goal."]
+
+  On footer fields two goals are situated,
+    One, as a rule, at either end:
+  This for attack (in front) is indicated,
+    And this (to rearward) you defend;
+  In your remark projected on the screen
+    You don't say which you mean.
+
+  If you refer to ours in that ambiguous
+    And filmy phrase, why then you lie;
+  And if to yours--we hope to be contiguous
+    To our objective by-and-by,
+  But for the present, though the end is sure,
+    Your statement's premature.
+
+  In fact--to follow up the sporting image
+    In which you "reach the appointed goal"--
+  With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage
+    Forward and back the fight will roll,
+  Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line
+    (This represents the Rhine).
+
+  Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,
+    And wish the call of Time were blown,
+  To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring
+    Gratuitously on his own,
+  You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)
+    To make the thing a draw.
+
+  Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll
+    Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at last,
+  Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,
+    He wants to blow the final blast;
+  Time will be called, I fancy, when the score
+    Suits us, and not before.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+    (_The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: On the Telephone_).
+
+_The King._ HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are you there, I say?
+
+_The Kaiser._ All right, all right. Who's talking?
+
+_The King._ KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the KAISER.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.
+
+_The King._ Is that you, WILLIE?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much time.
+
+_The King._ I say, the most awful thing has happened. The Allies have sent
+me an Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ A what?
+
+_The King._ An Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more
+plainly. I can't hear a word you say.
+
+_The King._ The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did you hear that time?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes, most of it.
+
+_The King._ Well.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well.
+
+_The King._ What do you think about it?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Not very much. Lots of other people have had ultimatums and
+haven't been one pfennig the worse for them.
+
+_The King._ Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums. It's a
+regular ultimatissimum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ What do they want you to do?
+
+_The King._ All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance, I am to move my
+troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get them out of harm's way.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, move them. What are troops for except to be moved
+about? You can always move them back again, you know. I keep on moving
+troops forward and backward all the time. It's a mere nothing when you once
+get accustomed to it. Just you try it and see. Anything more?
+
+_The King._ Yes; I'm to release from prison the followers of the
+pestilential VENIZELOS.
+
+_The Kaiser._ That's unpleasant, of course, for a patent Greek War-Lord;
+but I should do it if I were you, and then you can let me know how it
+feels.
+
+_The King._ Look here, William, I don't know what's the matter with you,
+but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny. You seem to think the whole
+affair's a sort of German joke. So it is, by Zeus--that's to say it's no
+joke at all.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Manners, TINO, manners.
+
+_The King._ I'm sick and tired of all this talk.
+
+_The Kaiser._ If you go on like that I shall not talk to you any more.
+
+_The King._ Don't say that; I could not bear such a loss. But, seriously,
+are you going to help as you promised?
+
+_The Kaiser._ I cannot help you now. You must play for time.
+
+_The King._ I've exhausted all the possibilities of playing for time. It
+wouldn't be the least good. They really mean it this time, and they've
+given me a strictly limited period for compliance.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, I suppose you know best, but I should have thought you
+could have spun out negotiations for a hit--given them a little promise
+here and a little promise there on the chance of something turning up.
+
+_The King._ The long and the short of it is that you promised to help us,
+but it was only a little promise here or there, and you don't mean to keep
+it. I shall accept the ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ The what? The telephone's buzzing again.
+
+_The King._ The ULTIMATUM!!
+
+_The Kaiser._ Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means accept it. And, by the
+way, I'm publishing a volume of my War-speeches, and will make a point of
+sending you an early copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.
+
+_The King._ Gr-r-r.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL GOVERNMENT.
+
+    "Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
+    ADVICE."--_Daily Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC MODESTY.
+
+    "The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the _Daily Gazette_
+    already exceeds that of last year's Christmas Number by more than 50
+    per cent. The sell is still going on actively."--_Daily Gazette
+    (Karachi)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yes, I think we have it at last--I mean the stranglehold round the
+    enemy's neck. I seem to hear the death rattle in his guttural
+    throat."--_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you might have
+    fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London, for the types of
+    well-turned-out men out-Englished the English, from top hat to
+    varnished boot."--_American Paper._
+
+That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNMADE IN GERMANY.
+
+BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE VIOLATION OF
+BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED. SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."
+
+(The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German pamphlet which
+ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and says that "nobody need be
+surprised at the rumour which is going through Germany that he has been
+bought by England.")]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_after bringing his men to attention, to
+knock-kneed recruit_). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON
+THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LV.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Notwithstanding the reckless speed of the leave train and
+the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company on the leave boat, our gallant
+warriors continue to volunteer in thousands for that desperate enterprise
+known as "Proceeding on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain
+artfulness in the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.
+
+In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon extending by any
+means short of the criminal the duration of the leave. When Robert first
+went on leave he was young and innocent. He had four days given him; he
+left his unit on the first of them and was back with it on the last of
+them. The second time he improved on this and left France very early on the
+morning of his first day and arrived in France again very late on the last
+night of it. Then his friend John regarded _his_ leave as beginning and
+ending in England, which, if the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at
+midnight, is not a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave
+was for seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His explanation
+was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on military authorities;
+after that, leave got fixed at ten days net, ten days of the inelastic
+sort.
+
+Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell and he is no man
+if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover, how is one to fill in the
+dismal vacuum subsequent on the return from one leave otherwise than by the
+discussion of subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The
+duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only remained to
+improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John ferreted about and became
+aware of the existence of a civilian train to the port and of a Staff boat
+to the other port. He worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin
+de Fer, and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very
+regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff boat. He was
+able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on the return journey, and
+had therefore every reason to be proud of his efforts. Nevertheless he
+firmly decided to say nothing about it to anybody lest the idea should get
+overworked. But he told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of
+other people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and is
+now (_vide_ General Routine Orders, _passim_) unworkable.
+
+There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next time. There are
+other ways of getting to ports than by train. Why hold aloof from Motor
+Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be above making a personal friend or two
+among them? And if Orders limit the use of cars to officers of very senior
+rank, why be too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to
+the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and if you want
+the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use arguing about it. You
+sulk unostentatiously in the background until both boats are full, and then
+you state a piteous case of urgent family affairs to the right officer, to
+find yourself eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in
+their special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he wangled
+it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months' time, he decided to
+tell no one about it, not even John. But he did tell John as soon as he saw
+him, and John told the world. Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got
+written, published, and very carefully brought to the attention of all
+ranks.
+
+The earth having become full of free booklets containing watertight rules
+and regulations for keeping officers to the straight and narrow path to the
+U.K., and the roads, railways, quays and gangways being policed with
+stalwarts whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into the
+sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the Officer in Charge. I am
+told, at first hand, that there is as much variety in the reasons urged in
+support of applications as there is in the manner of the applicants. They
+attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future in England, to shame
+him with gruesome pictures of their recent past in France, to hustle him
+with emergencies or special duties, or to bully him with dark references to
+unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself, who was highly
+suspicious even of me, until he understood that I only wanted one thing in
+the world, and that was someone interesting to talk to while I waited for
+the leave boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low
+cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to guess, he had
+proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as he said, this might suggest
+some hardness of heart on his part, but I readily agreed, was even the
+first to state, that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to
+assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned holiday. But he
+just couldn't do it. I put it for him that he was but the powerless and
+insignificant agent of an authority greater than himself.
+
+To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe answer. True, he had
+his duty to perform, and right well he performed it, we agreed. But he had
+also his powers, his responsibilities--might we say, his scope? Yet, I
+gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of himself and
+his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for example. I suggested
+(very cautiously) that it would require a very much greater authority than
+himself to give relief to an ordinary person like myself, with no stronger
+reason to travel by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future
+and domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing to that;
+I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I knew quite well that he
+would help me if he could. We were unanimous as to the kindness of his
+heart. It was because I quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask
+him or think of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for
+England--but not by the leave boat.
+
+Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor more able to
+be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the brethren. I bragged; and
+now I'm told there is a printed order posted outside that M.L.O.'s office,
+making it a crime punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave
+to converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the M.L.O.
+
+The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon this subject,
+is the application of a very earnest young lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would
+always obey all rules and regulations, both in letter and spirit, with
+scrupulous regard. His application is worth setting out in full:--"I have
+the honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married from
+January 9th to January 18th inclusive."
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."
+
+"DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE AUGUSTS.
+
+A WAR-TIME DRAMA.
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August, 1914._
+
+    _There is a door_ R., _leading into the hall. There is also a door_ L.,
+    _but it only leads into a cupboard that_ Mary _really needs._
+
+    Marmaduke Beltravers, _a well-dressed man of thirty-five, is standing
+    by a small table pressing his suit_ (_his matrimonial suit, of
+    course_), _but without success. His bold black eyes are flashing._
+    Mary's _lovely face (_by an ingenious manipulation of the limelight_)
+    is quivering._
+
+_Marmaduke Beltravers_ (_hoarsely_). I have laid at your feet my hand, my
+heart and my flourishing business, and thus--thus I am supplanted by that
+puling saint, George Jeffreys. A-ha!      [_Gnaws his moustache._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _an English gentleman._
+
+_George Jeffreys_ (_furiously_). You here? You hound! You blackguard! You
+...
+
+_Mary_ (_realising that this is going to be no place for a lady_). The
+butcher--know his ring.      [_Exit by door_ R.
+
+_G.J._ (_pointing fiercely to cupboard_). Go!
+
+_M.B._ (_going_). Bah! You triumph now, but my day will dawn yettah.
+(_Starts._) What was that?
+
+_Newsboy_ (_outside_). War with Germany! War with Germany!
+
+_G.J._ War? Then I am a pauper.      [_He does not say how, but presumably
+he knows best._
+
+_M.B._ (_ceasing to go_). My day has dawned _now_.
+
+_G.J._ How so?
+
+_M.B._ Your conscience calls you, does it not, to enlist? (George _nods._)
+I have no conscience. While you fight I shall continue to press my suit.
+
+_G.J._ (_despairingly to himself_). Alas! what chance will that sweet girl
+have against his dark saturnine beauty and his wealth? (_Aloud, hopefully,
+as a thought strikes him_) But stay--war with Germany--perhaps you are a
+pauper also?
+
+_M.B._ Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha!      [_Twirls his
+moustache._
+
+_G.J._ (_losing his temper_). Cur!      [_Exit, to enlist, into cupboard.
+Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain falls._
+
+ACT II.
+
+    _Hyde Park, August, 1915._
+
+    _A dozen energetic supers, by being extremely glad to see one another
+    very many times, are creating the illusion of a gay and fashionable
+    throng. Enter_ Marmaduke Beltravers _with_ Mary. _She is distraite._
+
+_M.B._ (_in full hearing of fashionable throng_). Darling, I have waited
+patiently for you. Say that you will marry me now.
+
+_Mary._ Marmaduke, you are rich, you are beautiful and you are kind to me
+in your rather wicked way. But, alas! I cannot forget the noble figure of
+George--my George.     [_She sobs._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _in the uniform of a private._
+
+_G.J._ Mary!
+
+_M.B._ (_intervening jauntily_). Well, my man?
+
+_G.J._ (_his vocabulary strengthened by Army life_). You dash blank
+blighter! You ruddy plague-spot!
+
+_Mary_ (_gazing at him with horror_). Oh, George,
+those--clothes--don't--fit!      [_Sobs heartbrokenly._
+
+_M.B._ (_striking while the iron is hot_). Mary, you shall choose between
+us, here and now.
+
+_G.J._ (_yearningly_). Mary, with you to cheer me on I will win the V.C. I
+swear it. My beloved, come with me; there will be a separation allowance.
+
+_Mary_ (_shuddering_). Not in those trousers. I--can't.      [_She swoons
+in_ Marmaduke's _arms._ George _raises his fist to strike_ Marmaduke.
+_Enter_ Sergeant Tompkins.
+
+_Sergt. T._ 'Ere, none o' that. Private Jeffreys, 'SHUN! Right--TURN!
+About--TURN! Left--TURN! Quick--MARCH!      [_Exit_ George _to win V.C._
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT III.
+
+    Marmaduke's _Mansion in Park Lane, August, 1916._
+
+    [_Enter_ Mary Beltravers (_née_ Gray), _unhappy._
+
+_Mary._ My little dog--my only friend--I cannot find him. (_She rummages
+absently among the papers on her husband's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a
+document, reads it through and clutches at her throat._) My husband--a
+German ser-py! (_She turns savagely on_ Marmaduke, _who has just entered._)
+So this--this is the source of our wealth! Your munitions arm our enemies.
+You play the German game.
+
+_M.B._ (_simply_). I do. I have a birth qualification.
+
+_Mary_ (_wildly_). But I'll thwart you; I'll denounce you (_seizes
+telephone_). You shall rue the day you married a true daughter of England.
+
+_M.B._ (_with sinister significance_). Remember, Mary, "to love, honour and
+OBEY." Put down that instrument.      [_With a gesture of despair she lets
+the receiver fall, thus driving the girl at the exchange nearly frantic.
+Suddenly the door is thrown open. Enter_ Captain George Jeffreys _with_
+Sergeant-Major Tompkins _and squad of soldiers._
+
+_G.J._ Marmaduke Beltravers, _né_ Heinrich Hoggenheimer, the game is up.
+(Marmaduke _dashes to the window. The dozen supers outside raise a howl of
+execration mingled with cries of "Lynch the spy!_") You see, there is no
+way of escape.
+
+_M.B._ (_drawing revolver_). You shall not long enjoy your triumph. I have
+but one cartridge, but perchance it will be enough for you.      [_Pulls
+trigger, but finds action rather stiff._
+
+_G.J._ Look out, Mary! These things are rather tricky in inexperienced
+hands.      [Marmaduke _succeeds in pulling trigger. There is a violent
+explosion and a large hole appears in_ George's _breeches._
+
+_G.J._ (_calmly to the baffled_ Marmaduke). Bad luck! That's my cork one. I
+lost the original when I got this.      [_Touches V.C. pinned on his
+breast._
+
+_M.B._ (_annoyed_). Curse, and curse again!      [_Gnawing his moustache he
+falls in with squad._
+
+_Sergt.-Major T._ Prisoner and escort, 'SHUN! Stand at--EASE. 'SHUN. Move
+to the right in fours. Form--FOURS. RIGHT. By the left, quick--MARCH.
+[_Exeunt, leaving_ Mary _in_ George's _arms. The howls of execration
+redouble. Then there is a tense silence, broken by the sound of a volley._
+
+_George._ Mary, my own! At last!
+
+_Mary._ My hero.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.
+
+The enterprise of the London and North-Western Railway officials, in
+designing a button to obviate delays at the gate caused by the new
+show-your-season order, has (we understand) spurred other lines to a
+similar ingenuity. Below are some of the latest novelties in
+ticket-substitutes.
+
+THE POM-POM.--May be worn in any variety of hat. Very suitable for short
+travellers. A simple inclination of the head permits verification by the
+inspector. Made in two shades--dark green, covering any distance up to
+twenty-five miles of town, or red (as worn by anarchists and the staff of
+the L. & S.W.R.), covering a journey up to fifty miles.
+
+UMBRELLA AND STICK TOPS, unscrewable, faced with plate-glass, permitting
+the insertion of a ticket, and its easy verification on being thrust under
+the nose of an official. Special quality fitted with small electric bulb
+for evening wear.
+
+For those who desire a really striking and chic novelty, that up-to-date
+line, the Great Eccentric, is reported to have engaged a staff of expert
+tattoo artists, who will puncture the date and designation of the pass upon
+the left cheek of the holder. Being not only elegant in design but
+practically irremovable, these markings will form a permanent and
+increasingly interesting memento of the Great War. Price according to
+distance and lettering.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.
+
+_First C.O._ "_I_ TELL YOU WHAT. FIND ME A MAN WHO CAN COOK CUTLETS
+DECENTLY, AND YOU SHALL HAVE OUR SECOND-BEST PIERROT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACTLESS.
+
+    "THANKSGIVING SERVICE on Sunday, February 18th, Canon ----'s last day
+    as Vicar of ----."--_Midland Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE OBVIOUS.
+
+    "There is very general agreement in banking circles in the City as to
+    the satisfactory character of the response which has already been made
+    to the new War Loan, but good though it has been, the total must still
+    be small compared with the need, and must fall infinitely short of the
+    figure aimed at, which, of course, is unlimited."--_Sunday Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SMILE OF VICTORY.
+
+    [According to Reuter's Washington Correspondent, women suffragists have
+    of late regularly picketed the White House. When President WILSON
+    appears "they deploy so that he cannot fail to see their banners. The
+    President smiles broadly and passes on."]
+
+  Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical speeches
+  And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches,
+  Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its portals--
+  Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.
+
+  He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries off
+  To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;
+  And, while studying closely his putts, to explore
+  The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.
+
+  To cope with emergency once in a way
+  Is nothing to facing it every day;
+  And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is seen,
+  He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.
+
+  O happy idealist! Others may weep
+  At the crimes and the horrors that murder their sleep;
+  You've two perfect specifics your cares to beguile--
+  An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb when he
+    could live at Bournemouth?'"--_Morning Paper._
+
+The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it had not come
+    Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised goat is fate would have
+    been miserable beyond swallowed by the boat-constrictor, so Great
+    Britain would have been absorbed by Germany."--_Evening Paper._
+
+With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift of the
+paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a new kind of
+submarine?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR LAND-WORKERS.
+
+_Mabel_ (_discussing a turn for the village Red Cross Concert_). "WHAT
+ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS GIRLS?"
+
+_Ethel._ "YES--BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INFANTRYMAN.
+
+  The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury,
+  The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,
+  The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back,
+  In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack;
+  Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job, say I)
+  Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on high,
+  But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began
+  Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman.
+
+  The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in,
+  And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s begin,
+  And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet,
+  But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet.
+  Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit,
+  He's always there where the fighting is--he's there unless he's hit;
+  Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can;
+  He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantryman!
+
+  Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging mire--
+  Steady in front, go steady! Close up there!  Mind the wire!
+  Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of the ditch, jump
+      clear!
+  Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck when the shells come
+      near!
+  Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench,
+  With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden
+      khaki's stench!
+  Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can--
+  This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE IS THE CENSOR?
+
+    "A woman has been fined £10 for chipping lyddite out of a shell which
+    had been over-filled by means of a screwdriver."--_Evening Paper._
+
+We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform the enemy in this
+way of our methods of filling shells.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DEAD FROST.
+
+PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"
+
+"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF PETROL IN THE BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.
+
+_From Adjutant to O.C. A Company._
+
+Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please expedite.
+
+(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last Sunday? Isn't it
+positively the outside edge?)
+
+  ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,
+      _Mrs. and Adjutant._
+
+
+_Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant._
+
+I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday, as otherwise I
+shall not be able to attend the sales, and my Sam Browne is quite the
+dowdiest in tho whole battalion.
+
+  JOAN DARLING,
+      _Second-Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster._
+
+Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for bottle, scent,
+one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has not been supplied with bottle
+since joining this unit I take it that such will be a free issue.
+
+  EMMA PIPP,
+      _Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. A Company to Quartermaster._
+
+Please note fact that the boots, khaki suède uppers, pair, one, issued
+yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not supplied with regulation
+Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are therefore herewith returned.
+
+  BOADICEA BLUNT.
+      _Capt. O.C. A Coy._
+
+
+_From O.C. B Company to O.C. D Company._
+
+Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O. Jones, B
+Company, attached D Company, for your attention and necessary action,
+please.
+
+(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged, and she has
+asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be bridesmaids! Not that _I_
+wanted to take it on. But think of poor dear O.C. C! _Won't_ she look
+too-too?)
+
+  MILDRED NORTON,
+      _Capt. O.C. B Coy._
+
+
+_From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O. Marshall._
+
+Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of Survey, which
+assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st for the purpose of
+inquiring into the circumstances whereby box, powder, face, one, on charge
+of this unit, became used up suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for
+the necessary witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to
+the Adjutant in triplicate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR MILITARY EXPERTS.
+
+    "The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly and with luck,
+    would involve a threat to the French left and to the communications
+    with Italy."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of Holland would in
+very much the same way threaten the British right and our communications
+with Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering parrots is
+    advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent announcements from the
+    battlefields of Europe that 'brayless' mules have been perfected for
+    trench and other battle-front labours by a simple operation on the
+    nostrils and the nerves affecting the vocal cords."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Why not speechless Presidents?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XVI.
+
+MARYLEBONE.
+
+  Mary Lebone
+    She gets no meat,
+  She never has anything
+    Nice to eat;
+  A supper fit
+    For a dog alone
+  Is all the fare
+    Of poor Mary Lebone.
+  She squats by the corner
+    Of Baker Street
+  And snuffs the air
+    So spicy and sweet
+  When the Bakers are baking
+    Their puddings and pies,
+  Their buns and their biscuits
+    And Banburies--
+  A tart for Jocelyn
+    A cake for Joan,
+  And nothing at all
+    For poor Mary Lebone!
+
+XVII.
+
+SCOTLAND YARD.
+
+  "How long's the Yard in Scotland?
+    Tell me that now, Mother."
+  "Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,
+    Just like any other."
+  "O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?"
+    "No more than thirty-seven."
+  "Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid
+    Will never get to heaven."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger._ "I HEAR THEY'RE THINKING OF ELECTRIFYING THIS
+PART OF THE LINE."
+
+_Porter._ "AY; THEY'RE ALLUS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME. THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING
+_US_ NEXT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWARD.
+
+Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a free-and-easy way with him.
+His free-and-easy way shows itself chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and
+waving his hand to all those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is
+talkative at times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is
+limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several words, or
+says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I have--or a less rigid
+regard for the truth.
+
+You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To be exact, it is
+thirteen months since he first saw the light in this troubled world. Not
+that the world is a troubled one to Edward; on the contrary.
+
+Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the sea-front of his
+native town. His free-and-easy way has secured him a large circle of
+acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen stop and speak to him, which he
+likes, so long as they do not pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent
+among elderly gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises,
+though in their hearts they are probably comparing him unfavourably with
+their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a cheery life.
+
+Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little man--so little,
+indeed, that most people would have called him a dwarf. He was walking in
+the same direction as Edward, and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand
+and smiled and waved again.
+
+For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at length he felt
+obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate, who propels the perambulator,
+"Seems friendly like;" to which Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to
+everyone."
+
+Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled by that remark.
+For myself I may say that, though Edward always smiles when we meet, I do
+not greatly value it because I know he smiles in the same way upon everyone
+else.
+
+But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with "everyone," to be
+placed by Edward on an equality with the strong and graceful, sent a warm
+glow to his heart.
+
+So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the boy-scouts, done one
+good deed that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The system of women and girls acting as field labourers, ploughing and
+    shepherding, etc., in itself produces a rough state of
+    society."--_Country Life._
+
+However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the following:--
+
+    "ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.
+
+    "Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's College, 6."--_The Times._
+
+Splendid! These colleges think of everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.
+
+So much good has notoriously been done during the great conflict by letters
+to the Press that Mr. Punch, recognising the importance of having this
+branch of War-work taught to the young, has engaged a gentleman of ample
+leisure and few responsibilities, who hides behind the _nom de guerre_
+"Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of instructive lectures on the
+subject. By the time the student has absorbed a complete course he will he
+qualified to write to the papers on any topic, and, to adopt every tone
+from the pleading and querulous to the indignant and hectoring. From this
+can follow nothing less than the complete rout of the Germans.
+
+SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.
+
+_I.--A World in Darkness._
+
+The world before newspapers--Unbearable thought--No Street and no Man in
+it--Unfortunate position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL,
+CÆSAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military experts--Their
+fatal ignorance of public opinion--Serious handicaps in the past--LEONIDAS
+never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip--ALCIBIADES never stimulated by attacks
+in Athens journals--No brainy onlooker at defeat of Armada.
+
+_II.--The Growth of the Press._
+
+The birth of a happier era--The first English newspaper--Rapid development
+of the new arm--A nation made articulate--Unfortunate quietistic
+tendencies: ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON--Foreshadowings of the real
+thing--Arrival of the real thing--The Fourth Estate--The Tenth Muse--The
+Editor as Dictator--The Millennium.
+
+_III.--The Vigilant Correspondent._
+
+The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth--Importance of attending to other
+people's affairs--True citizenship the improvement of one's
+neighbours--Neglect of one's own character a national virtue--Brief sketch
+of Paul Pry--Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty--Keepers of the public
+conscience--Human alarm-clocks--Samples of reforms delayed by absence of
+letters to the Press--The circulation of the blood--The law of gravity--The
+movement of the solar system--Value of iteration and undauntability.
+
+_IV.--Range of Subject._
+
+Every stick useful in beating dogs--Nothing too trivial to yoke with such
+words as "scandal" and "outrage"--Suspicion and mistrust the
+letter-writer's life-blood--Necessity for believing everyone in office
+negligent or corrupt--Reasons why it is better to write to the papers than
+to the individual--The sacredness of publicity--Importance also of victim
+seeing the indictment--Value of _Who's Who?_--Postal rates for newspapers.
+
+_V.--Signatures._
+
+Real names and pseudonyms--Cases where real names are best--Cases where
+pseudonyms are best--Danger of giving both name and address--The
+Knobkerry--The Dog-Whip--The Art of Self-Defence--The Law Directory--Choice
+of pseudonyms--Latin _v._ English--An Advantage of "One Who Knows" over
+"Audi Alteram Partem"--"Scrutator" better than "Spectator ab extra"--"One
+who is doing his bit" better than "Junius"--Reasons for "War-Winner" being
+the best at present moment.
+
+_VI.--Model Letter with Remarks._
+
+At the present moment no type of letter is more effective than the
+following:--
+
+SIR,--Could anything be more deplorable than the spectacle, which every
+hour of the day and night affords, of young and vigorous men made up to
+look like grandfathers. I am told that the theatrical costumiers and
+perruquiers are worn to a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible
+shirkers have subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful
+influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a courageous
+investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of London, were to snatch
+at the bald scalps so much in evidence there, he would in nine cases out of
+ten find that they came away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the
+youthful and fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I
+shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and vigilant and
+their net so tightly drawn that no one can get through; but we all know
+what bunglers the English authorities are, whether at the War Office or
+elsewhere. It is only in newspaper offices that true efficiency can be
+found. I enclose my card and am,
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+      "WAR-WINNER."
+
+Analysis of above--Reasons for thinking it perfect--Importance of
+compliment to editors--Estimate of its probable result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extremes.
+
+    "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers) and
+    commanded that famous regiment in the Boer War."--_Evening
+    Telegraph_ (_Dundee_).
+
+    "Sergeant ----, who is 2 years of age, is married, and has two
+    children."--_Same Paper, same date._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was bitten by a made
+    bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last evening by the Talaimannar train
+    for treatment."--_Ceylon Independent._
+
+But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a shoemaker's advertisement:
+
+    "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."--_High River Times_ (_Alberta,
+    Canada_).
+
+The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written to me I have
+    the honour to reply that they are all blackguards."--_Advt. in
+    Ceylon Paper._
+
+Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in full sympathy
+with the writer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW
+YOU'RE A SOLDIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.
+
+    (_Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on eccentric place
+    names._)
+
+  Now that the rise in railway fares
+    (At which no patriot cavils)
+  Has chained us elders to our chairs
+    And circumscribed our travels,
+  I love to play the festive game
+    Of astral gravitation
+  To any neighbourhood whose name
+    Is fraught with fascination.
+
+  I've never sampled in the flesh
+    The varied charms of Bootle,
+  But mentally I find them fresh
+    And redolent of footle;
+  And, though my steps to that resort
+    I never up till now bent,
+  Imagination can transport
+    My spirit into Chowbent.
+
+  Always alert upon the track
+    Of rich and strange emotion,
+  To Pudsey and to Wibsey Slack
+    I pay my fond devotion;
+  My heart is in the Highlands oft,
+    Though age its glow enfeebles,
+  And soars triumphantly aloft
+    At the mere sound of Peebles.
+
+  The nightingale in leafy June,
+    I own, divinely warbles,
+  But equal magic fills the tune-
+    ful name of Scotia's Gorbals;
+  And if you ever should desire
+    A subject to wax funny on,
+  What theme more fitly can inspire
+    The Muse than Ballybunnion?
+
+  Some places on my astral rounds
+    I'm strong upon tabooing,
+  On anti-alcoholic grounds
+    Grogport and Rum eschewing;
+  But no such painful stigma robs
+    Proud Potto of its lustre,
+  Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and Stobs,
+    A memorable cluster.
+
+  The pictures rising in my brain
+    Are strange; sometimes I muddle 'em,
+  Confounding Pleck with Plodder Lane,
+    Titley with Tillietudlem;
+  In short, it's not a game of skill,
+    Else I should scarce essay at;
+  But it is harmless, costs me _nil_;
+    And nobody need play it.
+
+  The plan is simple; choose a spot,
+    Then focus with decision
+  Your thoughts upon it till you've got
+    A clear-cut mental vision;
+  And though from fact it widely errs,
+    Remember in conclusion
+  Only the man of prose prefers
+    Eyewitness to illusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
+
+Extract from a soldier's letter:--
+
+    "DEAR MOTHER,--I am thoroughly run down, and have grown so thin that
+    when I get a pain in my middle I cannot tell whether it is a backache
+    or a stomachache."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each station along the route by
+    rending sacred songs and solos as The Kano Express drew in."--_Lagos
+    Weekly Record._
+
+"That's torn it," said the conductor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Britons never shall be slaves if they will only remember the solemn
+    warning of the author of the words--'To thine own self be true, and
+    then thou canst be false to any man.'"--_Letter in Scotch Paper._
+
+One recognises the note of liberty, but we fear the writer must have got
+hold of a German edition of "Unser Shakspeare."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+As Jim and me lies in hospital gettin' better from our wounds we talks over
+what we've been through in this War.
+
+There was the time when we was billeted with Mrs. Dawkins, just before we
+went to the Front, which dwells in our memories. When the billetin' orficer
+introduced us into her kitchen Mrs. Dawkins went down on the bricks and
+prayed she might do her duty by the two noble defenders of her country--she
+meant me and Jim--who the Lord had pleased to deliver into her care. Then
+she begun unlacin' Jim's boots. In a minute Mr. Dawkins come in; he said we
+was hearty welcome, and was just goin' to shake 'ands with us when Mrs.
+Dawkins turned on 'im and asked 'im what he meant by standin' there like a
+gawk and not unlacin' mine. Jim and me was very uncomfortable.
+
+Then some little Dawkinses come in, Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda, and
+was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their respecks to us, and do it proper or
+she'd know the reason why. Sammy saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him
+unmerciful. Jim and me begun to feel regler low-spirited.
+
+After that she set out the tea. It was as butiful a tea as we could wish
+for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste and sardines, and bein' hungry after
+a long march we cheered up and looked forward to enjoyin' it. As was
+correck Jim 'anded all the dishes to Mrs. Dawkins first, but she said, "No,
+thank you, such things are for the defenders of the country, and it is our
+duty to provide them, but bread-and-dripping is good enough for me and Mr.
+Dawkins and the children."
+
+Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda all begun to cry, and their father sat
+lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery. It clean took away our appetites.
+She piled our plates with jam and sardines, but we couldn't swaller a
+mouthful with them poor kids sobbin' all round the table. We was thankful
+they was put to bed before supper. Mrs. Dawkins fried potaters and sausages
+and set 'em down in front of me Jim, with a jug of porter, and she and
+Dawkins and a young man lodger sat at the other end, behind half a Dutch
+cheese and some water. All the meals was the same.
+
+There was only three rooms upstairs, and Jim and me couldn't make out how
+it was we had a bedroom apiece till we come across the lodger sleepin' on
+the kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle and Sammy in one of the dresser
+drawers. Then we asked to be allowed to sleep together, with the lodger to
+one side; but Mrs. Dawkins said, "I thank the Lord we're blessed with two
+good beds in our house, and as long as I have two defenders of the country
+in my care I should like to catch anyone belonging to me getting into
+either of their beds. If we're all getting wore out for want of sleep we
+can't help ourselves, we're doing our duty."
+
+Then she asked Jim if he was warm enough nights, and before he'd time to
+think he'd blurted out he wasn't quite. That evening she come down
+shiverin' to supper in her petticut, and said what did it matter her
+catchin' her death of cold if them she had in her care slept warm and
+comfortable under her meriner skirt. We felt downright brutes.
+
+But what hurt us most was the way them kids took against us. Me and Jim is
+fond of kids, and we wanted to make friends and play with 'em, but it
+weren't no good. They was always puttin' their tongues out at us when Mrs.
+Dawkins' back was turned and talkin' loud to one another: "I say, Sammy, I
+'ates soldiers, don't you? Soldiers is greedy; poor little children don't
+have nothink where soldiers is. Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says his 'ome
+is a 'ell since the soldiers come. 'Ere they are walkin' down the street.
+Quick, Billy! Mother ain't lookin'; turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."
+
+To make up for her kindness to us Jim and me tried to do little odd jobs
+about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but somehow it all turned to wormwood. We
+slipped out early one Sunday morning and begun siftin' the cinders in the
+backyard, but she caught sight of us and 'ollered so at Dawkins she woke up
+all the neighbours: "How can you lay there snorin', you great lazy
+good-for-nothing, and look on while the defenders of your country is
+wearin' themselves out 'siftin' your cinders?"
+
+Dawkins tumbled off the mangle, thinkin' it was a fire, and he swore
+terrible at me and Jim.
+
+The young man lodger took against us too. When his washin' was on the line
+we couldn't help noticin' he was very bad off for underclothes, and Jim and
+me, havin' more shirts and socks that kind ladies had give us than we
+knowed how' to wear, we took the liberty of wrappin' three of each in paper
+with a label, "Hopin' no offence," and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse
+where he was in the habit of doin' his hair. We was pleased to notice next
+day he had got one of the shirts on. Of course we made no remark; no more
+did he. But at supper-time Mrs. Dawkins caught sight of his cuffs. She took
+the poor feller by the collar and we was afraid she would have shook the
+life out of him.
+
+"You thievin' rascal!" she said. "To think I should 'arbour in my house a
+man as ain't ashamed to rob the defenders of his country of the shirts off
+their backs!" Then she begun callin' for the police.
+
+Jim and me tried to explain, but it weren't no use. The first chance he had
+the young man lodger got out through the door. He come back in half a
+minute with his feet bare and his weskit all anyhow. The shirts and socks
+was under his arm.
+
+"Damn you and yer clothes!" he said, and flung 'em at me and Jim. It were
+very disheartenin'.
+
+When it come to leavin' we felt we ought to show our gratitude for the
+treatment we had received by makin' Mrs. Dawkins a little present. Bein' of
+an uncommon disposition it were difficult to choose what would please her.
+I were in favour of a pink shawl; but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin'
+anybody any more clothes. In the end we chose a pair of earrings.
+
+Directly we give 'em to her we saw we'd done wrong. She turned on Dawkins
+like a hyener. "'Ave I done my duty and starved us all to death and given
+them two the best in the house and slept cold every night to be paid in
+gewgaws?" she said. "Didn't I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it agen? and
+are you a man or a cur that you stand there expectin' me to put them things
+into my ears instead of behind the fire?" In another minute the earrings
+was melted. It were some consolation to me and Jim that she didn't refuse
+to shake 'ands with us when we come away; but Dawkins did, and so did the
+young man lodger, and all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We never have
+been able to make out who were to blame. We thinks sometimes it were Mrs.
+Dawkins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it strikes the Hyphenated.
+
+An extract from _Los Angeles Germania_, which describes itself as "An
+American newspaper printed in the German and American languages":--
+
+    "At last the mask is removed from the hypocritical face of England. The
+    cloven hoof of British insolence has struck square into the face of
+    Uncle Sam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Holders of the old War Loan who are not yet converted to conversion may be
+led to a decision by the discovery that "BONAR LAW" spells "War Loan 'B.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses' Home where nurses do not sleep."--
+     _Women's Employment._
+
+Applicants should beware, as insomnia is very catching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "KEEP YER POINT UP LIKE YER DOIN' NOW, CAN'T
+YER? YOU WON'T NEVER GET YER MAN IF YER DON'T KEEP YER POINT UP. HAVE YER
+NEVER DONE NO BAYONET PRACTICE BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_ (_just out of hospital, very bored_). "I'VE DONE THIS 'ERE TO THE
+BLOOMIN' BOSCHES, I 'AVE."
+
+_Sergeant._ "OH. YOU 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? NO WONDER THE WAR'S LASTED TWO AND A
+'ALF YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE wrote, some
+years ago, about a pack of schoolmasters who got so monstrously upon one
+another's nerves that the result was attempted murder? I have just been
+reading a new story that may be regarded as the female counterpart of the
+same tragedy. _Regiment of Women_ (HEINEMANN) is described as a first
+novel; and there are indeed signs of this in a certain verbosity and
+diffuseness of attack. But it is at least equally clear that the writer,
+CLEMENCE DANE, has the root of the matter in her. As in the book with which
+I have compared it, the setting of this is scholastic--a girls' school
+here, with all its restricted outlook, its small intrigues, and exaggerated
+friendships, mercilessly exposed. You will be willing to admit that it is
+at least aptly named when I tell you that not till page 135 does so much as
+the shadow of a man appear, and then but fleetingly as the father of the
+poor child, _Louise_, the tragedy of whose death is the central incident of
+the book. Naturally it can be nothing else than a painful story; in
+particular the figure of _Clare_, the adored teacher, whose cruel
+egoistical friendship, with its alternations of encouragement and
+brutality, first drives _Louise_ to suicide, and all but wrecks the life of
+the young assistant-mistress, _Alwynne_, has in it something coldly
+sinister that haunts the memory. But of its power there can be no question.
+On one small point of psychology I am at issue with the writer. I doubt
+whether the child _Louise_ could have played _Arthur_ in the school
+theatricals so marvellously as we are asked to believe without cheering
+herself, by such an artistic success, out of the temptation to suicide. But
+the ways of morbidity are unsearchable, and this is no more than an
+expression of individual opinion. It is not meant to qualify my admiration
+for the skill of this remarkable and arresting story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the long postponement of the appearance of another novel--_Vesprie
+Towers_ (SMITH, ELDER)--by the late Mr. THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am
+careful not to say it does) that the author never intended it to see the
+light of day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have been wisdom
+in that decision, for the story of _Violet Vesprie_, though touched with a
+certain charm and distinction, sadly lacks the imaginative intensity of
+_Aylwin_. The plot is commonplace, being the familiar record of how the
+country seat of a once illustrious family nearly, but of course not quite,
+passed into the hands of strangers when the last of the race came to
+poverty. Even the inevitable flight to London is not spared us or the
+heroine, and it is really only when the writer tires of his attempted
+conventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The return of
+_Violet_ to her old home, for instance, is most fortunate in its failure to
+follow the rules, that attractive young lady being quite content to be
+whisked back in the turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the
+place she loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle has been
+wrought; while we, reader and author alike, equally in the dark, are too
+happy to have her home to worry about it either, preferring to wander with
+her through the dear old rooms and let explanations go hang. Anyhow,
+perhaps one can forgive a certain amount of looseness in a story that holds
+such pleasant things as a family rainbow, an "osier ait" and a sailor-poet
+worshipping from afar. And indeed, though far from brilliant, the book is
+really rather lovable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Leatherwood God_ (JENKINS) Mr. W.D. HOWELLS has written a powerful
+and very interesting study of an unusual theme. Religious mania, and those
+queer manifestations of it that hover uncertainly between fraud and
+hysteria, have always provided a subject of attraction for the curious. Mr.
+HOWELLS sets his romance in the early days of the last century, at the
+backwoods settlement of _Leatherwood_, where the community of the faithful
+are perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a stranger, one _Dylks_, who
+claims divine origin and the power to work miracles. Actually, this _Dylks_
+was about as bad a hat as any made. He had deserted his legal wife,
+_Nancy_, and allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry a _de facto_
+husband whom she adored. So you will see that the turning up again of
+Number One, unrecognised and surrounded by the trappings of god-head and
+the adoration of the Elect, creates for _Nancy_ a very pretty and absorbing
+problem in social ethics. But Mr. HOWELLS has done more than this. Having
+shown _Dylks_ as the arch-villain and impostor that he is, he proceeds to
+the subtler task of enlisting our sympathy for him. It is this that gives
+the story its higher quality. The horror of the poor wretch's position,
+driven on by his own words, almost, in time, coming himself to a kind of
+belief in them, haunted always by the increasing demands of his dupes, is
+most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end we hear of his death
+(by suicide or accident) with an emotion of relief and pity that is a real
+tribute to his creator. _The Leatherwood God_ is not a long story, but for
+concentrated power it deserves to be classed amongst the outstanding work
+of the season.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter--of course in a strictly
+literary sense. It must at this moment have required some courage to make
+your hero an agent of the British Secret Service. And having done this she
+certainly shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the situation so
+created. In the interest of his profession, and for no reward save the
+service of his country, _Marcus Janover_ is called upon to sacrifice love,
+friendship, even his personal honour. Just how all this comes about I leave
+you to discover by _The Light above the Cross Roads_ (DUCKWORTH). It is a
+powerful and highly original story that has the distinction of breaking
+entirely new ground in war-novels. The scenes of it, laid partly in
+Ireland, partly in Berlin, or behind the German lines, are themselves
+guarantees of the unusual. One slight criticism that I have to make rises
+from the question whether so expert an "agent" as _Marcus_ would really
+employ blot-producing ink for his map tracery when, on his own confession,
+he might have used pencil. But if the blots had not been there the
+Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning of _Marcus's_ presence
+amongst them) would never have arrested _Ursule_, and thus provided a
+dramatic and unhackneyed situation. There is a gravity and distinction,
+moreover, about the tale that somehow reminds me of the late Monsignor
+BENSON. It is undoubtedly a story that should be read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am rather puzzled what to say about the _The Grey Shepherd_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), because it is essentially a story that will appeal very
+differently to readers of different temperaments. Some people will say,
+"How beautiful!" Others perhaps, "How precious!" and both with a certain
+truth. For my own part, I should select a middle course, and say that Mrs.
+J.E. BUCKROSE has had a wholly admirable idea for a short story, which she
+has done her best to spoil by enlarging it to book dimensions, and a little
+over-sweetening it. There is real delicacy and beauty in her theme. The
+youth forced by partial blindness to give up all the hopes for which he had
+been educated, who becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his pipe
+(musical) and the simplicities of country lore for the loss of love and
+ambition; and eventually, after his death, is deified by rustic tradition
+into a supernatural helper of "all things that are kind"--here is an idea
+for the tenderest handling. My feeling is, while giving Mrs. BUCKROSE every
+credit for such an inspiration, that she should have been a little sterner
+with herself over the treatment, and thus avoided a certain stickiness that
+may irritate those who prefer the simplicity of nature to a not quite
+sufficiently concealed art. But, as I began by saying, it all depends on
+the individual palate; and, anyhow, the book has the historic excuse of
+being a very little one, which you can read, with pleasure or irritation,
+within the hour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels in which the hero
+and heroine dally over-long in falling in love you will get it by reading
+_The Fur-Bringers_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon
+preliminaries, not a minute; and as soon as _Ambrose Deane_ and _Colina
+Gaviller_ have met and discovered at sight that they are just made for each
+other the really exciting part of the story begins. I forget how many times
+_Ambrose_ is arrested during the course of the tale, but I do know that
+things keep on happening all the time, and that the rescue of the hero by
+the Indian girl _Nesis_ is delightfully told. Altogether Mr. HULBERT
+FOOTNER'S picture of the life of a trader in Athabasca is particularly
+attractive. I like it all, including the cover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOUCEUR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a discharged
+    soldier, was sentenced to ten months' imprisonment for bigamy."--_Pall
+    Mall Gazette._
+
+  A proper verdict this, that for a while
+  Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14516 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14516 ***</div>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+January 31, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>January 31st, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69"
+       id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>The birth-rate in Berlin, it appears, is considerably lower
+    this year than last. We can quite understand this reluctance to
+    being born a German just now.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove
+    beyond doubt that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans
+    would have won this battle.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German military authorities have declined to introduce
+    bathless days. Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal
+    habits that the Teuton does not pursue to a vicious excess.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the
+    Midland Railway owing to the publicity given by the
+    FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's one-and-ninepenny luncheon
+    basket. Many people are finding it more economical to purchase
+    a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the train than to
+    go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round
+    has been laid by a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood
+    that a proposal by the FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard
+    should be adopted as the compulsory minimum for the duration of
+    the War is meeting with some opposition from Mr. PROTHERO.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the
+    <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>. We understand that, acting upon this
+    advice, several high command officers have volunteered to
+    sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from
+    the date of their leaving work to those employees who until
+    recently have been held under arrest for participation in the
+    Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of making them a grant for Kit
+    and Field allowances has not yet come under consideration.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take
+    flowers with them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral
+    shall be a quiet one.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories
+    for the U.S. Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted
+    by a British firm. The explanation is of course that the former
+    are primarily designed to enforce universal peace.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to
+    assist in farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians&mdash;a
+    jeweller, a hairdresser and a tailor. His complaint is, we
+    understand, that while he wanted his land to be well-dressed he
+    didn't want it overdone.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/69a.png"><img width="320"
+             src="images/69a.png"
+             alt="Nature's tactless mimicry." /></a>
+
+        <h4>NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.</h4>CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED
+        BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the
+    announcement that it is still open for business, the action of
+    the Court having only deprived it of the right to sell
+    intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of
+    <i>Hamlet</i> without the familiar spirit.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON
+    CHURCHILL in a recent address. Germany, we are happy to state,
+    is war-weary and will soon be Maximilian-Hardened.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has
+    been settled once for all. "The War has provided many incidents
+    for this revue," says a stage paper of a new production.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in
+    East Essex. The general idea is not new, though it is more
+    usual to plant a rose-garden round your pig-sty, as a
+    corrective.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official
+    prohibition of "fishing, washing and bathing" in the St.
+    James's Park pond is superfluous, as the pond was dried up two
+    years ago. In view of the exceptional severity of the weather
+    the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by
+    another merely prohibiting skating.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider
+    proposals for the reform of the British Consular service. The
+    suggestion, however, that not more than seventy-five per cent.
+    of our Consular representatives should be natives of Germany
+    and the countries of her Allies seems a little too drastic.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a
+    really ideal soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the
+    Inns of Court O.T.C. On the other hand we still have a number
+    of distinguished soldiers who before the War attached paramount
+    importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the
+    view of mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened
+    streets. It is pointed out that the use of luminous language
+    has already proved of extreme value in critical situations.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley
+    Tribunal to an employer who was said to have an indoor staff of
+    thirteen servants. As a beginning he proposes to take a reef in
+    the butler.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will
+    adversely affect the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says
+    a manager, "require chocolate in the cinema." It is feared that
+    they will have to go back to the old-fashioned plan of chewing
+    the corner of the programme.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's
+    shop. No blame attaches, we understand, to the driver, who
+    sounded his gong three times.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70"
+       id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span>
+
+    <h3>TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the
+        fighting on the Somme. At the close a statement is thrown
+        upon the screen to the effect that the Germans have
+        "reached the appointed goal."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>On footer fields two goals are situated,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">One, as a rule, at either end:</p>
+
+            <p>This for attack (in front) is indicated,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And this (to rearward) you defend;</p>
+
+            <p>In your remark projected on the screen</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You don't say which you mean.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If you refer to ours in that ambiguous</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And filmy phrase, why then you lie;</p>
+
+            <p>And if to yours&mdash;we hope to be contiguous</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To our objective by-and-by,</p>
+
+            <p>But for the present, though the end is sure,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your statement's premature.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In fact&mdash;to follow up the sporting image</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In which you "reach the appointed
+            goal"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>With many a loose and many a tight-packed
+            scrimmage</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Forward and back the fight will roll,</p>
+
+            <p>Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(This represents the Rhine).</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And wish the call of Time were blown,</p>
+
+            <p>To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Gratuitously on his own,</p>
+
+            <p>You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a
+            straw)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To make the thing a draw.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at
+            last,</p>
+
+            <p>Not having checked those breaches with his
+            whistle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He wants to blow the final blast;</p>
+
+            <p>Time will be called, I fancy, when the score</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Suits us, and not before.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER:
+    On the Telephone</i>).</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are
+    you there, I say?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> All right, all right. Who's talking?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the
+    KAISER.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Is that you, WILLIE?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> I say, the most awful thing has happened.
+    The Allies have sent me an Ultimatum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> A what?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> An Ultimatum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> I say, old man, you really must speak
+    louder and more plainly. I can't hear a word you say.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did
+    you hear that time?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Yes, most of it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Well.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> What do you think about it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Not very much. Lots of other people have
+    had ultimatums and haven't been one pfennig the worse for
+    them.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Oh, but this is the very last thing in
+    ultimatums. It's a regular ultimatissimum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> What do they want you to do?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> All sorts of disagreeable things. For
+    instance, I am to move my troops to the Peloponnese, so as to
+    get them out of harm's way.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well, move them. What are troops for
+    except to be moved about? You can always move them back again,
+    you know. I keep on moving troops forward and backward all the
+    time. It's a mere nothing when you once get accustomed to it.
+    Just you try it and see. Anything more?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Yes; I'm to release from prison the
+    followers of the pestilential VENIZELOS.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> That's unpleasant, of course, for a
+    patent Greek War-Lord; but I should do it if I were you, and
+    then you can let me know how it feels.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Look here, William, I don't know what's the
+    matter with you, but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny.
+    You seem to think the whole affair's a sort of German joke. So
+    it is, by Zeus&mdash;that's to say it's no joke at all.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Manners, TINO, manners.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> I'm sick and tired of all this talk.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> If you go on like that I shall not talk
+    to you any more.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Don't say that; I could not bear such a
+    loss. But, seriously, are you going to help as you
+    promised?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> I cannot help you now. You must play for
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> I've exhausted all the possibilities of
+    playing for time. It wouldn't be the least good. They really
+    mean it this time, and they've given me a strictly limited
+    period for compliance.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well, I suppose you know best, but I
+    should have thought you could have spun out negotiations for a
+    hit&mdash;given them a little promise here and a little promise
+    there on the chance of something turning up.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> The long and the short of it is that you
+    promised to help us, but it was only a little promise here or
+    there, and you don't mean to keep it. I shall accept the
+    ultimatum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> The what? The telephone's buzzing
+    again.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> The ULTIMATUM!!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means
+    accept it. And, by the way, I'm publishing a volume of my
+    War-speeches, and will make a point of sending you an early
+    copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Gr-r-r.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Our Helpful Government.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
+        ADVICE."&mdash;<i>Daily Express.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>Journalistic Modesty.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the <i>Daily
+        Gazette</i> already exceeds that of last year's Christmas
+        Number by more than 50 per cent. The sell is still going on
+        actively."&mdash;<i>Daily Gazette (Karachi).</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Yes, I think we have it at last&mdash;I mean the
+        stranglehold round the enemy's neck. I seem to hear the
+        death rattle in his guttural throat."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Pictorial.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you
+        might have fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London,
+        for the types of well-turned-out men out-Englished the
+        English, from top hat to varnished boot."&mdash;<i>American
+        Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71"
+       id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/71a.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/71a.png"
+             alt="Chancellor Bethmann-Hollweg, offended." /></a>
+
+        <h3>UNMADE IN GERMANY.</h3>
+
+        <p>BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE
+        VIOLATION OF BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED.
+        SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."</p>
+
+        <p>[The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German
+        pamphlet which ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and
+        says that "nobody need be surprised at the rumour which is
+        going through Germany that he has been bought by
+        England."]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72"
+       id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/72a.png"><img width="670"
+             src="images/72a.png"
+             alt="Sergeant bringing his men to attention." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>after bringing his men to attention,
+        to knock-kneed recruit</i>). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4.
+        ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO
+        MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE WATCH DOGS.</h3>
+
+    <h4>LV.</h4>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,&mdash;Notwithstanding the reckless speed of
+    the leave train and the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company
+    on the leave boat, our gallant warriors continue to volunteer
+    in thousands for that desperate enterprise known as "Proceeding
+    on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain artfulness in
+    the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.</p>
+
+    <p>In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon
+    extending by any means short of the criminal the duration of
+    the leave. When Robert first went on leave he was young and
+    innocent. He had four days given him; he left his unit on the
+    first of them and was back with it on the last of them. The
+    second time he improved on this and left France very early on
+    the morning of his first day and arrived in France again very
+    late on the last night of it. Then his friend John regarded
+    <i>his</i> leave as beginning and ending in England, which, if
+    the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at midnight, is not
+    a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave was for
+    seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His
+    explanation was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on
+    military authorities; after that, leave got fixed at ten days
+    net, ten days of the inelastic sort.</p>
+
+    <p>Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell
+    and he is no man if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover,
+    how is one to fill in the dismal vacuum subsequent on the
+    return from one leave otherwise than by the discussion of
+    subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The
+    duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only
+    remained to improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John
+    ferreted about and became aware of the existence of a civilian
+    train to the port and of a Staff boat to the other port. He
+    worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin de Fer,
+    and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very
+    regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff
+    boat. He was able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on
+    the return journey, and had therefore every reason to be proud
+    of his efforts. Nevertheless he firmly decided to say nothing
+    about it to anybody lest the idea should get overworked. But he
+    told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of other
+    people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and
+    is now (<i>vide</i> General Routine Orders, <i>passim</i>)
+    unworkable.</p>
+
+    <p>There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next
+    time. There are other ways of getting to ports than by train.
+    Why hold aloof from Motor Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be
+    above making a personal friend or two among them? And if Orders
+    limit the use of cars to officers of very senior rank, why be
+    too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to
+    the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and
+    if you want the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use
+    arguing about it. You sulk unostentatiously in the background
+    until both boats are full, and then you state a piteous case of
+    urgent family affairs to the right officer, to find yourself
+    eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in their
+    special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he
+    wangled it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months'
+    time, he decided to tell no one about it, not even John. But he
+    did tell John as soon as he saw him, and John told the world.
+    Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got written, published, and
+    very carefully brought to the attention of all ranks.</p>
+
+    <p>The earth having become full of free booklets containing
+    watertight rules and regulations for keeping officers to the
+    straight and narrow path to the
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73"
+       id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> U.K., and the roads,
+       railways, quays and gangways being policed with stalwarts
+       whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into
+       the sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the
+       Officer in Charge. I am told, at first hand, that there is
+       as much variety in the reasons urged in support of
+       applications as there is in the manner of the applicants.
+       They attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future
+       in England, to shame him with gruesome pictures of their
+       recent past in France, to hustle him with emergencies or
+       special duties, or to bully him with dark references to
+       unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself,
+       who was highly suspicious even of me, until he understood
+       that I only wanted one thing in the world, and that was
+       someone interesting to talk to while I waited for the leave
+       boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low
+       cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to
+       guess, he had proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as
+       he said, this might suggest some hardness of heart on his
+       part, but I readily agreed, was even the first to state,
+       that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to
+       assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned
+       holiday. But he just couldn't do it. I put it for him that
+       he was but the powerless and insignificant agent of an
+       authority greater than himself.</p>
+
+    <p>To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe
+    answer. True, he had his duty to perform, and right well he
+    performed it, we agreed. But he had also his powers, his
+    responsibilities&mdash;might we say, his scope? Yet, I
+    gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of
+    himself and his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for
+    example. I suggested (very cautiously) that it would require a
+    very much greater authority than himself to give relief to an
+    ordinary person like myself, with no stronger reason to travel
+    by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future and
+    domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing
+    to that; I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I
+    knew quite well that he would help me if he could. We were
+    unanimous as to the kindness of his heart. It was because I
+    quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask him or think
+    of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for
+    England&mdash;but not by the leave boat.</p>
+
+    <p>Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor
+    more able to be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the
+    brethren. I bragged; and now I'm told there is a printed order
+    posted outside that M.L.O.'s office, making it a crime
+    punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave to
+    converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the
+    M.L.O.</p>
+
+    <p>The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon
+    this subject, is the application of a very earnest young
+    lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would always obey all rules and
+    regulations, both in letter and spirit, with scrupulous regard.
+    His application is worth setting out in full:&mdash;"I have the
+    honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married
+    from January 9th to January 18th inclusive."</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours ever,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
+     HENRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/73a.png"><img width="655"
+             src="images/73a.png"
+             alt="A flooded trench." /></a><br />
+             "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."<br />
+         "DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74"
+       id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+
+    <h3>THREE AUGUSTS.</h3>
+
+    <h4>A WAR-TIME DRAMA.</h4>
+
+    <h4>ACT I.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August,
+        1914.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>There is a door</i> R., <i>leading into the hall. There
+        is also a door</i> L., <i>but it only leads into a cupboard
+        that</i> Mary <i>really needs.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Marmaduke Beltravers, <i>a well-dressed man of thirty-five,
+        is standing by a small table pressing his suit (his
+        matrimonial suit, of course), but without success.
+        His bold black eyes are flashing.</i> Mary's <i>lovely
+        face (by an ingenious manipulation of the
+        limelight) is quivering.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Marmaduke Beltravers</i> (<i>hoarsely</i>). I have laid
+    at your feet my hand, my heart and my flourishing business, and
+    thus&mdash;thus I am supplanted by that puling saint, George
+    Jeffreys. A-ha! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Gnaws his
+    moustache.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Enter</i> George Jeffreys, <i>an English gentleman.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>George Jeffreys</i> (<i>furiously</i>). You here? You
+    hound! You blackguard! You ...</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>realising that this is going to be no place
+    for a lady</i>). The butcher&mdash;know his ring.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit by door</i> R.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>pointing fiercely to cupboard</i>). Go!</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>going</i>). Bah! You triumph now, but my day
+    will dawn yettah. (<i>Starts.</i>) What was that?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Newsboy</i> (<i>outside</i>). War with Germany! War with
+    Germany!</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> War? Then I am a pauper.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>He does not say how, but
+    presumably he knows best.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>ceasing to go</i>). My day has dawned
+    <i>now</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> How so?</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> Your conscience calls you, does it not, to
+    enlist? (George <i>nods.</i>) I have no conscience. While you
+    fight I shall continue to press my suit.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>despairingly to himself</i>). Alas! what
+    chance will that sweet girl have against his dark saturnine
+    beauty and his wealth? (<i>Aloud, hopefully, as a thought
+    strikes him</i>) But stay&mdash;war with Germany&mdash;perhaps
+    you are a pauper also?</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Twirls his moustache.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>losing his temper</i>). Cur!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit, to enlist, into
+    cupboard. Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain
+    falls.</i></p>
+
+    <h4>ACT II.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Hyde Park, August, 1915.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>A dozen energetic supers, by being extremely glad to see
+        one another very many times, are creating the illusion of a
+        gay and fashionable throng. Enter</i> Marmaduke Beltravers
+        <i>with</i> Mary. <i>She is distraite.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>in full hearing of fashionable throng</i>).
+    Darling, I have waited patiently for you. Say that you will
+    marry me now.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary.</i> Marmaduke, you are rich, you are beautiful and
+    you are kind to me in your rather wicked way. But, alas! I
+    cannot forget the noble figure of George&mdash;my
+    George.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>She sobs.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Enter</i> George Jeffreys, <i>in the uniform of a
+        private.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> Mary!</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>intervening jauntily</i>). Well, my man?</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>his vocabulary strengthened by Army
+    life</i>). You dash blank blighter! You ruddy plague-spot!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>gazing at him with horror</i>). Oh, George,
+    those&mdash;clothes&mdash;don't&mdash;fit!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Sobs heartbrokenly.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>striking while the iron is hot</i>). Mary,
+    you shall choose between us, here and now.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>yearningly</i>). Mary, with you to cheer me
+    on I will win the V.C. I swear it. My beloved, come with me;
+    there will be a separation allowance.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>shuddering</i>). Not in those trousers.
+    I&mdash;can't. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>She swoons
+    in</i> Marmaduke's <i>arms.</i> George <i>raises his fist to
+    strike</i> Marmaduke. <i>Enter</i> Sergeant Tompkins.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergt. T.</i> 'Ere, none o' that. Private Jeffreys,
+    'SHUN! Right&mdash;TURN! About&mdash;TURN! Left&mdash;TURN!
+    Quick&mdash;MARCH! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit</i>
+    George <i>to win V.C.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+
+    <h4>ACT III.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Marmaduke's <i>Mansion in Park Lane, August, 1916.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>Enter</i> Mary Beltravers (<i>n&eacute;e</i> Gray),
+        <i>unhappy.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mary.</i> My little dog&mdash;my only friend&mdash;I
+    cannot find him. (<i>She rummages absently among the papers on
+    her husband's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a document, reads
+    it through and clutches at her throat.</i>) My husband&mdash;a
+    German ser-py! (<i>She turns savagely on</i> Marmaduke, <i>who
+    has just entered.</i>) So this&mdash;this is the source of our
+    wealth! Your munitions arm our enemies. You play the German
+    game.</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>simply</i>). I do. I have a birth
+    qualification.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>wildly</i>). But I'll thwart you; I'll
+    denounce you (<i>seizes telephone</i>). You shall rue the day
+    you married a true daughter of England.</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>with sinister significance</i>). Remember,
+    Mary, "to love, honour and OBEY." Put down that instrument.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>With a gesture of despair she
+    lets the receiver fall, thus driving the girl at the exchange
+    nearly frantic. Suddenly the door is thrown open. Enter</i>
+    Captain George Jeffreys <i>with</i> Sergeant-Major Tompkins
+    <i>and squad of soldiers.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> Marmaduke Beltravers, <i>n&eacute;</i> Heinrich
+    Hoggenheimer, the game is up. (Marmaduke <i>dashes to the
+    window. The dozen supers outside raise a howl of execration
+    mingled with cries of "Lynch the spy!</i>") You see, there is
+    no way of escape.</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>drawing revolver</i>). You shall not long
+    enjoy your triumph. I have but one cartridge, but perchance it
+    will be enough for you. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Pulls
+    trigger, but finds action rather stiff.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> Look out, Mary! These things are rather tricky
+    in inexperienced hands.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[Marmaduke <i>succeeds in pulling
+    trigger. There is a violent explosion and a large hole appears
+    in</i> George's <i>breeches.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>calmly to the baffled</i> Marmaduke). Bad
+    luck! That's my cork one. I lost the original when I got this.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Touches V.C. pinned on his
+    breast.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Curse, and curse again!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Gnawing his moustache he
+    falls in with squad.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergt.-Major T.</i> Prisoner and escort, 'SHUN! Stand
+    at&mdash;EASE. 'SHUN. Move to the right in fours.
+    Form&mdash;FOURS. RIGHT. By the left, quick&mdash;MARCH.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt, leaving</i> Mary
+    <i>in</i> George's <i>arms. The howls of execration redouble.
+    Then there is a tense silence, broken by the sound of a
+    volley.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>George.</i> Mary, my own! At last!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary.</i> My hero.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.</h4>
+
+    <p>The enterprise of the London and North-Western Railway
+    officials, in designing a button to obviate delays at the gate
+    caused by the new show-your-season order, has (we understand)
+    spurred other lines to a similar ingenuity. Below are some of
+    the latest novelties in ticket-substitutes.</p>
+
+    <p>THE POM-POM.&mdash;May be worn in any variety of hat. Very
+    suitable for short travellers. A simple inclination of the head
+    permits verification by the inspector. Made in two
+    shades&mdash;dark green, covering any distance up to
+    twenty-five miles of town, or red (as worn by anarchists and
+    the staff of the L. &amp; S.W.R.), covering a journey up to
+    fifty miles.</p>
+
+    <p>UMBRELLA AND STICK TOPS, unscrewable, faced with
+    plate-glass, permitting the insertion of a ticket, and its easy
+    verification on being thrust under the nose of an official.
+    Special quality <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75"
+       id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> fitted with small electric
+       bulb for evening wear.</p>
+
+    <p>For those who desire a really striking and chic novelty,
+    that up-to-date line, the Great Eccentric, is reported to have
+    engaged a staff of expert tattoo artists, who will puncture the
+    date and designation of the pass upon the left cheek of the
+    holder. Being not only elegant in design but practically
+    irremovable, these markings will form a permanent and
+    increasingly interesting memento of the Great War. Price
+    according to distance and lettering.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/75a.png"><img width="643"
+             src="images/75a.png"
+             alt="Real problems at the Front" /></a>
+
+        <h3>REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>First C.O.</i> "<i>I</i> TELL YOU WHAT. FIND ME A MAN
+        WHO CAN COOK CUTLETS DECENTLY, AND YOU SHALL HAVE OUR
+        SECOND-BEST PIERROT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Tactless.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "THANKSGIVING SERVICE on Sunday, February 18th, Canon
+        &mdash;&mdash;'s last day as Vicar of
+        &mdash;&mdash;."&mdash;<i>Midland Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>Another Glimpse of the Obvious.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "There is very general agreement in banking circles in the
+        City as to the satisfactory character of the response which
+        has already been made to the new War Loan, but good though
+        it has been, the total must still be small compared with
+        the need, and must fall infinitely short of the figure
+        aimed at, which, of course, is unlimited."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE SMILE OF VICTORY.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [According to Reuter's Washington Correspondent, women
+        suffragists have of late regularly picketed the White
+        House. When President WILSON appears "they deploy so that
+        he cannot fail to see their banners. The President smiles
+        broadly and passes on."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical
+            speeches</p>
+
+            <p>And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches,</p>
+
+            <p>Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its
+            portals&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries
+            off</p>
+
+            <p>To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;</p>
+
+            <p>And, while studying closely his putts, to
+            explore</p>
+
+            <p>The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To cope with emergency once in a way</p>
+
+            <p>Is nothing to facing it every day;</p>
+
+            <p>And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is
+            seen,</p>
+
+            <p>He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O happy idealist! Others may weep</p>
+
+            <p>At the crimes and the horrors that murder their
+            sleep;</p>
+
+            <p>You've two perfect specifics your cares to
+            beguile&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb
+        when he could live at Bournemouth?'"&mdash;<i>Morning
+        Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it
+        had not come Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised
+        goat is fate would have been miserable beyond swallowed by
+        the boat-constrictor, so Great Britain would have been
+        absorbed by Germany."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift
+    of the paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a
+    new kind of submarine?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76"
+       id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/76a.png"><img width="671"
+             src="images/76a.png"
+             alt="Our land-workers." /></a>
+
+        <h3>OUR LAND-WORKERS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>discussing a turn for the village Red
+        Cross Concert</i>). "WHAT ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS
+        GIRLS?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ethel.</i> "YES&mdash;BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR
+        IT?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE INFANTRYMAN.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in
+            luxury,</p>
+
+            <p>The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,</p>
+
+            <p>The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long
+            way back,</p>
+
+            <p>In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little
+            shack;</p>
+
+            <p>Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his
+            job, say I)</p>
+
+            <p>Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him
+            from on high,</p>
+
+            <p>But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever
+            the War began</p>
+
+            <p>Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the
+            infantryman.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The guns can pound the villages and smash the
+            trenches in,</p>
+
+            <p>And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s
+            begin,</p>
+
+            <p>And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a
+            parapet,</p>
+
+            <p>But the real work is the work that's done with bomb
+            and bayonet.</p>
+
+            <p>Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub
+            and kit,</p>
+
+            <p>He's always there where the fighting is&mdash;he's
+            there unless he's hit;</p>
+
+            <p>Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the
+            living can;</p>
+
+            <p>He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the
+            British infantryman!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in
+            the clinging mire&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Steady in front, go steady! Close up there! Mind the
+            wire!</p>
+
+            <p>Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of
+            the ditch, jump clear!</p>
+
+            <p>Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck
+            when the shells come near!</p>
+
+            <p>Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy
+            trench,</p>
+
+            <p>With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain
+            and the sodden khaki's stench!</p>
+
+            <p>Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you
+            can&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>This is the work that wins the War, the work of the
+            infantryman.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Where is the Censor?</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A woman has been fined &pound;10 for chipping lyddite out
+        of a shell which had been over-filled by means of a
+        screwdriver."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform
+    the enemy in this way of our methods of filling shells.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77"
+       id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/77a.png"><img width="400"
+             src="images/77a.png"
+             alt="Peace without Victory." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A DEAD FROST.</h3>PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE
+        DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78"
+       id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/78a.png"><img width="673"
+             src="images/78a.png"
+             alt="I say, someone's stolen my car!" /></a>
+
+        <p>"I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"</p>
+
+        <p>"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"</p>
+
+        <p>"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF
+        PETROL IN THE BACK."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Adjutant to O.C. A Company.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please
+    expedite.</p>
+
+    <p>(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last
+    Sunday? Isn't it positively the outside edge?)</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Mrs. and Adjutant.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant.</i></p>
+
+    <p>I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday,
+    as otherwise I shall not be able to attend the sales, and my
+    Sam Browne is quite the dowdiest in tho whole battalion.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">JOAN DARLING,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Second-Lieut.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for
+    bottle, scent, one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has
+    not been supplied with bottle since joining this unit I take it
+    that such will be a free issue.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">EMMA PIPP,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Lieut.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>O.C. A Company to Quartermaster.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Please note fact that the boots, khaki su&egrave;de uppers,
+    pair, one, issued yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not
+    supplied with regulation Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are
+    therefore herewith returned.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">BOADICEA BLUNT.</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Capt. O.C. A Coy.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From O.C. B Company to O.C. D
+    Company.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O.
+    Jones, B Company, attached D Company, for your attention and
+    necessary action, please.</p>
+
+    <p>(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged,
+    and she has asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be
+    bridesmaids! Not that <i>I</i> wanted to take it on. But think
+    of poor dear O.C. C! <i>Won't</i> she look too-too?)</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">MILDRED NORTON,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Capt. O.C. B Coy.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O.
+    Marshall.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of
+    Survey, which assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st
+    for the purpose of inquiring into the circumstances whereby
+    box, powder, face, one, on charge of this unit, became used up
+    suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for the necessary
+    witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to
+    the Adjutant in triplicate.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Our Military Experts.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly
+        and with luck, would involve a threat to the French left
+        and to the communications with Italy."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall
+        Gazette.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of
+    Holland would in very much the same way threaten the British
+    right and our communications with Scotland.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering
+        parrots is advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent
+        announcements from the battlefields of Europe that
+        'brayless' mules have been perfected for trench and other
+        battle-front labours by a simple operation on the nostrils
+        and the nerves affecting the vocal cords."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Why not speechless Presidents?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79"
+       id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span>
+
+    <h3>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(SECOND SERIES.)</h4>
+
+    <p class="center">XVI.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">MARYLEBONE.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Mary Lebone</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She gets no meat,</p>
+
+            <p>She never has anything</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nice to eat;</p>
+
+            <p>A supper fit</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For a dog alone</p>
+
+            <p>Is all the fare</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of poor Mary Lebone.</p>
+
+            <p>She squats by the corner</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Baker Street</p>
+
+            <p>And snuffs the air</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So spicy and sweet</p>
+
+            <p>When the Bakers are baking</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their puddings and pies,</p>
+
+            <p>Their buns and their biscuits</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Banburies&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>A tart for Jocelyn</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A cake for Joan,</p>
+
+            <p>And nothing at all</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For poor Mary Lebone!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">XVII.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">SCOTLAND YARD.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"How long's the Yard in Scotland?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tell me that now, Mother."</p>
+
+            <p>"Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Just like any other."</p>
+
+            <p>"O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"No more than thirty-seven."</p>
+
+            <p>"Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will never get to heaven."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/79.png"><img width="435"
+             src="images/79.png"
+             alt="I hear they're thinking of electrifying this part of the line." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Passenger.</i> "I HEAR THEY'RE THINKING OF
+        ELECTRIFYING THIS PART OF THE LINE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Porter.</i> "AY; THEY'RE ALLUS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME.
+        THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING <i>US</i> NEXT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>EDWARD.</h3>
+
+    <p>Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a
+    free-and-easy way with him. His free-and-easy way shows itself
+    chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and waving his hand to all
+    those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is talkative at
+    times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is
+    limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several
+    words, or says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I
+    have&mdash;or a less rigid regard for the truth.</p>
+
+    <p>You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To
+    be exact, it is thirteen months since he first saw the light in
+    this troubled world. Not that the world is a troubled one to
+    Edward; on the contrary.</p>
+
+    <p>Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the
+    sea-front of his native town. His free-and-easy way has secured
+    him a large circle of acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen
+    stop and speak to him, which he likes, so long as they do not
+    pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent among elderly
+    gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises,
+    though in their hearts they are probably comparing him
+    unfavourably with their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a
+    cheery life.</p>
+
+    <p>Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little
+    man&mdash;so little, indeed, that most people would have called
+    him a dwarf. He was walking in the same direction as Edward,
+    and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand and smiled and
+    waved again.</p>
+
+    <p>For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at
+    length he felt obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate,
+    who propels the perambulator, "Seems friendly like;" to which
+    Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to everyone."</p>
+
+    <p>Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled
+    by that remark. For myself I may say that, though Edward always
+    smiles when we meet, I do not greatly value it because I know
+    he smiles in the same way upon everyone else.</p>
+
+    <p>But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with
+    "everyone," to be placed by Edward on an equality with the
+    strong and graceful, sent a warm glow to his heart.</p>
+
+    <p>So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the
+    boy-scouts, done one good deed that day.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The system of women and girls acting as field labourers,
+        ploughing and shepherding, etc., in itself produces a rough
+        state of society."&mdash;<i>Country Life.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the
+    following:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's College,
+        6."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Splendid! These colleges think of everything.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80"
+       id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>
+
+    <h3>OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.</h3>
+
+    <p>So much good has notoriously been done during the great
+    conflict by letters to the Press that Mr. Punch, recognising
+    the importance of having this branch of War-work taught to the
+    young, has engaged a gentleman of ample leisure and few
+    responsibilities, who hides behind the <i>nom de guerre</i>
+    "Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of instructive lectures on
+    the subject. By the time the student has absorbed a complete
+    course he will he qualified to write to the papers on any
+    topic, and, to adopt every tone from the pleading and querulous
+    to the indignant and hectoring. From this can follow nothing
+    less than the complete rout of the Germans.</p>
+
+    <h4>SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.</h4>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>I.&mdash;A World in Darkness.</i></p>
+
+    <p>The world before newspapers&mdash;Unbearable
+    thought&mdash;No Street and no Man in it&mdash;Unfortunate
+    position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL,
+    C&AElig;SAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military
+    experts&mdash;Their fatal ignorance of public
+    opinion&mdash;Serious handicaps in the past&mdash;LEONIDAS
+    never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip&mdash;ALCIBIADES never
+    stimulated by attacks in Athens journals&mdash;No brainy
+    onlooker at defeat of Armada.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>II.&mdash;The Growth of the Press.</i></p>
+
+    <p>The birth of a happier era&mdash;The first English
+    newspaper&mdash;Rapid development of the new arm&mdash;A nation
+    made articulate&mdash;Unfortunate quietistic tendencies:
+    ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON&mdash;Foreshadowings of the real
+    thing&mdash;Arrival of the real thing&mdash;The Fourth
+    Estate&mdash;The Tenth Muse&mdash;The Editor as
+    Dictator&mdash;The Millennium.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>III.&mdash;The Vigilant
+    Correspondent.</i></p>
+
+    <p>The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth&mdash;Importance of
+    attending to other people's affairs&mdash;True citizenship the
+    improvement of one's neighbours&mdash;Neglect of one's own
+    character a national virtue&mdash;Brief sketch of Paul
+    Pry&mdash;Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty&mdash;Keepers of the
+    public conscience&mdash;Human alarm-clocks&mdash;Samples of
+    reforms delayed by absence of letters to the Press&mdash;The
+    circulation of the blood&mdash;The law of gravity&mdash;The
+    movement of the solar system&mdash;Value of iteration and
+    undauntability.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>IV.&mdash;Range of Subject.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Every stick useful in beating dogs&mdash;Nothing too trivial
+    to yoke with such words as "scandal" and
+    "outrage"&mdash;Suspicion and mistrust the letter-writer's
+    life-blood&mdash;Necessity for believing everyone in office
+    negligent or corrupt&mdash;Reasons why it is better to write to
+    the papers than to the individual&mdash;The sacredness of
+    publicity&mdash;Importance also of victim seeing the
+    indictment&mdash;Value of <i>Who's Who?</i>&mdash;Postal rates
+    for newspapers.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>V.&mdash;Signatures.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Real names and pseudonyms&mdash;Cases where real names are
+    best&mdash;Cases where pseudonyms are best&mdash;Danger of
+    giving both name and address&mdash;The Knobkerry&mdash;The
+    Dog-Whip&mdash;The Art of Self-Defence&mdash;The Law
+    Directory&mdash;Choice of pseudonyms&mdash;Latin <i>v.</i>
+    English&mdash;An Advantage of "One Who Knows" over "Audi
+    Alteram Partem"&mdash;"Scrutator" better than "Spectator ab
+    extra"&mdash;"One who is doing his bit" better than
+    "Junius"&mdash;Reasons for "War-Winner" being the best at
+    present moment.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>VI.&mdash;Model Letter with
+    Remarks.</i></p>
+
+    <p>At the present moment no type of letter is more effective
+    than the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;Could anything be more deplorable than the
+    spectacle, which every hour of the day and night affords, of
+    young and vigorous men made up to look like grandfathers. I am
+    told that the theatrical costumiers and perruquiers are worn to
+    a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible shirkers have
+    subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful
+    influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a
+    courageous investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of
+    London, were to snatch at the bald scalps so much in evidence
+    there, he would in nine cases out of ten find that they came
+    away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the youthful and
+    fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I
+    shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and
+    vigilant and their net so tightly drawn that no one can get
+    through; but we all know what bunglers the English authorities
+    are, whether at the War Office or elsewhere. It is only in
+    newspaper offices that true efficiency can be found. I enclose
+    my card and am,</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;">"WAR-WINNER."</p>
+
+    <p>Analysis of above&mdash;Reasons for thinking it
+    perfect&mdash;Importance of compliment to
+    editors&mdash;Estimate of its probable result.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/80.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/80.png"
+             alt="To the Wedding Cake License Office." /></a>
+
+        <p>THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Extremes.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers)
+        and commanded that famous regiment in the Boer
+        War."&mdash;<i>Evening Telegraph</i> (<i>Dundee</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Sergeant &mdash;&mdash;, who is 2 years of age, is
+        married, and has two children."&mdash;<i>Same Paper, same
+        date.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was
+        bitten by a made bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last
+        evening by the Talaimannar train for treatment."
+        &mdash;<i>Ceylon Independent.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a shoemaker's advertisement:</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."&mdash;<i>High River Times</i>
+        (<i>Alberta, Canada</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written
+        to me I have the honour to reply that they are all
+        blackguards."&mdash;<i>Advt. in Ceylon Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in
+    full sympathy with the writer.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81"
+       id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/81a.png"><img width="653"
+             src="images/81a.png"
+             alt="Oh! Do wear your khaki tie, Dad!" /></a><br />
+             "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW
+             YOU'RE A SOLDIER."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        (<i>Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on
+        eccentric place names.</i>)
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now that the rise in railway fares</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(At which no patriot cavils)</p>
+
+            <p>Has chained us elders to our chairs</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And circumscribed our travels,</p>
+
+            <p>I love to play the festive game</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of astral gravitation</p>
+
+            <p>To any neighbourhood whose name</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is fraught with fascination.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I've never sampled in the flesh</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The varied charms of Bootle,</p>
+
+            <p>But mentally I find them fresh</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And redolent of footle;</p>
+
+            <p>And, though my steps to that resort</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I never up till now bent,</p>
+
+            <p>Imagination can transport</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My spirit into Chowbent.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Always alert upon the track</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of rich and strange emotion,</p>
+
+            <p>To Pudsey and to Wibsey Slack</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I pay my fond devotion;</p>
+
+            <p>My heart is in the Highlands oft,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though age its glow enfeebles,</p>
+
+            <p>And soars triumphantly aloft</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At the mere sound of Peebles.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The nightingale in leafy June,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I own, divinely warbles,</p>
+
+            <p>But equal magic fills the tune-</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">ful name of Scotia's Gorbals;</p>
+
+            <p>And if you ever should desire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A subject to wax funny on,</p>
+
+            <p>What theme more fitly can inspire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Muse than Ballybunnion?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Some places on my astral rounds</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'm strong upon tabooing,</p>
+
+            <p>On anti-alcoholic grounds</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Grogport and Rum eschewing;</p>
+
+            <p>But no such painful stigma robs</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Proud Potto of its lustre,</p>
+
+            <p>Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and Stobs,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A memorable cluster.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The pictures rising in my brain</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are strange; sometimes I muddle 'em,</p>
+
+            <p>Confounding Pleck with Plodder Lane,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Titley with Tillietudlem;</p>
+
+            <p>In short, it's not a game of skill,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Else I should scarce essay at;</p>
+
+            <p>But it is harmless, costs me <i>nil</i>;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And nobody need play it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The plan is simple; choose a spot,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then focus with decision</p>
+
+            <p>Your thoughts upon it till you've got</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A clear-cut mental vision;</p>
+
+            <p>And though from fact it widely errs,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Remember in conclusion</p>
+
+            <p>Only the man of prose prefers</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Eyewitness to illusion.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>From the Back of the Front.</h4>
+
+    <p>Extract from a soldier's letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "DEAR MOTHER,&mdash;I am thoroughly run down, and have
+        grown so thin that when I get a pain in my middle I cannot
+        tell whether it is a backache or a stomachache."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each station along the
+        route by rending sacred songs and solos as The Kano Express
+        drew in." &mdash;<i>Lagos Weekly Record.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"That's torn it," said the conductor.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Britons never shall be slaves if they will only remember
+        the solemn warning of the author of the words&mdash;'To
+        thine own self be true, and then thou canst be false to any
+        man.'"&mdash;<i>Letter in Scotch Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>One recognises the note of liberty, but we fear the writer
+    must have got hold of a German edition of "Unser
+    Shakspeare."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82"
+       id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>
+
+    <h3>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h3>
+
+    <p>As Jim and me lies in hospital gettin' better from our
+    wounds we talks over what we've been through in this War.</p>
+
+    <p>There was the time when we was billeted with Mrs. Dawkins,
+    just before we went to the Front, which dwells in our memories.
+    When the billetin' orficer introduced us into her kitchen Mrs.
+    Dawkins went down on the bricks and prayed she might do her
+    duty by the two noble defenders of her country&mdash;she meant
+    me and Jim&mdash;who the Lord had pleased to deliver into her
+    care. Then she begun unlacin' Jim's boots. In a minute Mr.
+    Dawkins come in; he said we was hearty welcome, and was just
+    goin' to shake 'ands with us when Mrs. Dawkins turned on 'im
+    and asked 'im what he meant by standin' there like a gawk and
+    not unlacin' mine. Jim and me was very uncomfortable.</p>
+
+    <p>Then some little Dawkinses come in, Susan, Sammy, Billy and
+    Elfreda, and was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their respecks to
+    us, and do it proper or she'd know the reason why. Sammy
+    saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him unmerciful. Jim and me
+    begun to feel regler low-spirited.</p>
+
+    <p>After that she set out the tea. It was as butiful a tea as
+    we could wish for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste and
+    sardines, and bein' hungry after a long march we cheered up and
+    looked forward to enjoyin' it. As was correck Jim 'anded all
+    the dishes to Mrs. Dawkins first, but she said, "No, thank you,
+    such things are for the defenders of the country, and it is our
+    duty to provide them, but bread-and-dripping is good enough for
+    me and Mr. Dawkins and the children."</p>
+
+    <p>Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda all begun to cry, and their
+    father sat lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery. It clean took
+    away our appetites. She piled our plates with jam and sardines,
+    but we couldn't swaller a mouthful with them poor kids sobbin'
+    all round the table. We was thankful they was put to bed before
+    supper. Mrs. Dawkins fried potaters and sausages and set 'em
+    down in front of me Jim, with a jug of porter, and she and
+    Dawkins and a young man lodger sat at the other end, behind
+    half a Dutch cheese and some water. All the meals was the
+    same.</p>
+
+    <p>There was only three rooms upstairs, and Jim and me couldn't
+    make out how it was we had a bedroom apiece till we come across
+    the lodger sleepin' on the kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle
+    and Sammy in one of the dresser drawers. Then we asked to be
+    allowed to sleep together, with the lodger to one side; but
+    Mrs. Dawkins said, "I thank the Lord we're blessed with two
+    good beds in our house, and as long as I have two defenders of
+    the country in my care I should like to catch anyone belonging
+    to me getting into either of their beds. If we're all getting
+    wore out for want of sleep we can't help ourselves, we're doing
+    our duty."</p>
+
+    <p>Then she asked Jim if he was warm enough nights, and before
+    he'd time to think he'd blurted out he wasn't quite. That
+    evening she come down shiverin' to supper in her petticut, and
+    said what did it matter her catchin' her death of cold if them
+    she had in her care slept warm and comfortable under her
+    meriner skirt. We felt downright brutes.</p>
+
+    <p>But what hurt us most was the way them kids took against us.
+    Me and Jim is fond of kids, and we wanted to make friends and
+    play with 'em, but it weren't no good. They was always puttin'
+    their tongues out at us when Mrs. Dawkins' back was turned and
+    talkin' loud to one another: "I say, Sammy, I 'ates soldiers,
+    don't you? Soldiers is greedy; poor little children don't have
+    nothink where soldiers is. Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says
+    his 'ome is a 'ell since the soldiers come. 'Ere they are
+    walkin' down the street. Quick, Billy! Mother ain't lookin';
+    turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."</p>
+
+    <p>To make up for her kindness to us Jim and me tried to do
+    little odd jobs about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but somehow
+    it all turned to wormwood. We slipped out early one Sunday
+    morning and begun siftin' the cinders in the backyard, but she
+    caught sight of us and 'ollered so at Dawkins she woke up all
+    the neighbours: "How can you lay there snorin', you great lazy
+    good-for-nothing, and look on while the defenders of your
+    country is wearin' themselves out 'siftin' your cinders?"</p>
+
+    <p>Dawkins tumbled off the mangle, thinkin' it was a fire, and
+    he swore terrible at me and Jim.</p>
+
+    <p>The young man lodger took against us too. When his washin'
+    was on the line we couldn't help noticin' he was very bad off
+    for underclothes, and Jim and me, havin' more shirts and socks
+    that kind ladies had give us than we knowed how' to wear, we
+    took the liberty of wrappin' three of each in paper with a
+    label, "Hopin' no offence," and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse
+    where he was in the habit of doin' his hair. We was pleased to
+    notice next day he had got one of the shirts on. Of course we
+    made no remark; no more did he. But at supper-time Mrs. Dawkins
+    caught sight of his cuffs. She took the poor feller by the
+    collar and we was afraid she would have shook the life out of
+    him.</p>
+
+    <p>"You thievin' rascal!" she said. "To think I should 'arbour
+    in my house a man as ain't ashamed to rob the defenders of his
+    country of the shirts off their backs!" Then she begun callin'
+    for the police.</p>
+
+    <p>Jim and me tried to explain, but it weren't no use. The
+    first chance he had the young man lodger got out through the
+    door. He come back in half a minute with his feet bare and his
+    weskit all anyhow. The shirts and socks was under his arm.</p>
+
+    <p>"Damn you and yer clothes!" he said, and flung 'em at me and
+    Jim. It were very disheartenin'.</p>
+
+    <p>When it come to leavin' we felt we ought to show our
+    gratitude for the treatment we had received by makin' Mrs.
+    Dawkins a little present. Bein' of an uncommon disposition it
+    were difficult to choose what would please her. I were in
+    favour of a pink shawl; but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin'
+    anybody any more clothes. In the end we chose a pair of
+    earrings.</p>
+
+    <p>Directly we give 'em to her we saw we'd done wrong. She
+    turned on Dawkins like a hyener. "'Ave I done my duty and
+    starved us all to death and given them two the best in the
+    house and slept cold every night to be paid in gewgaws?" she
+    said. "Didn't I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it agen? and
+    are you a man or a cur that you stand there expectin' me to put
+    them things into my ears instead of behind the fire?" In
+    another minute the earrings was melted. It were some
+    consolation to me and Jim that she didn't refuse to shake 'ands
+    with us when we come away; but Dawkins did, and so did the
+    young man lodger, and all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We
+    never have been able to make out who were to blame. We thinks
+    sometimes it were Mrs. Dawkins.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>How it strikes the Hyphenated.</h4>
+
+    <p>An extract from <i>Los Angeles Germania</i>, which describes
+    itself as "An American newspaper printed in the German and
+    American languages":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "At last the mask is removed from the hypocritical face of
+        England. The cloven hoof of British insolence has struck
+        square into the face of Uncle Sam."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Holders of the old War Loan who are not yet converted to
+    conversion may be led to a decision by the discovery that
+    "BONAR LAW" spells "War Loan 'B.'"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses' Home where nurses do not
+        sleep." &mdash;<i>Women's Employment.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Applicants should beware, as insomnia is very catching.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83"
+       id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/83a.png"><img width="669"
+             src="images/83a.png"
+             alt="Bayonet Practice" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sergeant.</i> "KEEP YER POINT UP LIKE YER DOIN' NOW,
+        CAN'T YER? YOU WON'T NEVER GET YER MAN IF YER DON'T KEEP
+        YER POINT UP. HAVE YER NEVER DONE NO BAYONET PRACTICE
+        BEFORE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Private</i> (<i>just out of hospital, very
+        bored</i>). "I'VE DONE THIS 'ERE TO THE BLOOMIN' BOSCHES, I
+        'AVE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Sergeant.</i> "OH. YOU 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? NO WONDER THE
+        WAR'S LASTED TWO AND A 'ALF YEARS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE
+    wrote, some years ago, about a pack of schoolmasters who got so
+    monstrously upon one another's nerves that the result was
+    attempted murder? I have just been reading a new story that may
+    be regarded as the female counterpart of the same tragedy.
+    <i>Regiment of Women</i> (HEINEMANN) is described as a first
+    novel; and there are indeed signs of this in a certain
+    verbosity and diffuseness of attack. But it is at least equally
+    clear that the writer, CLEMENCE DANE, has the root of the
+    matter in her. As in the book with which I have compared it,
+    the setting of this is scholastic&mdash;a girls' school here,
+    with all its restricted outlook, its small intrigues, and
+    exaggerated friendships, mercilessly exposed. You will be
+    willing to admit that it is at least aptly named when I tell
+    you that not till page 135 does so much as the shadow of a man
+    appear, and then but fleetingly as the father of the poor
+    child, <i>Louise</i>, the tragedy of whose death is the central
+    incident of the book. Naturally it can be nothing else than a
+    painful story; in particular the figure of <i>Clare</i>, the
+    adored teacher, whose cruel egoistical friendship, with its
+    alternations of encouragement and brutality, first drives
+    <i>Louise</i> to suicide, and all but wrecks the life of the
+    young assistant-mistress, <i>Alwynne</i>, has in it something
+    coldly sinister that haunts the memory. But of its power there
+    can be no question. On one small point of psychology I am at
+    issue with the writer. I doubt whether the child <i>Louise</i>
+    could have played <i>Arthur</i> in the school theatricals so
+    marvellously as we are asked to believe without cheering
+    herself, by such an artistic success, out of the temptation to
+    suicide. But the ways of morbidity are unsearchable, and this
+    is no more than an expression of individual opinion. It is not
+    meant to qualify my admiration for the skill of this remarkable
+    and arresting story.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>If the long postponement of the appearance of another
+    novel&mdash;<i>Vesprie Towers</i> (SMITH, ELDER)&mdash;by the
+    late Mr. THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am careful not to say
+    it does) that the author never intended it to see the light of
+    day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have been
+    wisdom in that decision, for the story of <i>Violet
+    Vesprie</i>, though touched with a certain charm and
+    distinction, sadly lacks the imaginative intensity of
+    <i>Aylwin</i>. The plot is commonplace, being the familiar
+    record of how the country seat of a once illustrious family
+    nearly, but of course not quite, passed into the hands of
+    strangers when the last of the race came to poverty. Even the
+    inevitable flight to London is not spared us or the heroine,
+    and it is really only when the writer tires of his attempted
+    conventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The
+    return of <i>Violet</i> to her old home, for instance, is most
+    fortunate in its failure to follow the rules, that attractive
+    young lady being quite content to be whisked back in the
+    turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the place she
+    loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle has
+    been wrought; while we, reader and author alike, equally in the
+    dark, are too happy to have her home to worry about it either,
+    preferring to wander with her through the dear old rooms and
+    let explanations go hang. Anyhow, perhaps
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84"
+       id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> one can forgive a certain
+       amount of looseness in a story that holds such pleasant
+       things as a family rainbow, an "osier ait" and a sailor-poet
+       worshipping from afar. And indeed, though far from
+       brilliant, the book is really rather lovable.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In <i>The Leatherwood God</i> (JENKINS) Mr. W.D. HOWELLS has
+    written a powerful and very interesting study of an unusual
+    theme. Religious mania, and those queer manifestations of it
+    that hover uncertainly between fraud and hysteria, have always
+    provided a subject of attraction for the curious. Mr. HOWELLS
+    sets his romance in the early days of the last century, at the
+    backwoods settlement of <i>Leatherwood</i>, where the community
+    of the faithful are perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a
+    stranger, one <i>Dylks</i>, who claims divine origin and the
+    power to work miracles. Actually, this <i>Dylks</i> was about
+    as bad a hat as any made. He had deserted his legal wife,
+    <i>Nancy</i>, and allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry
+    a <i>de facto</i> husband whom she adored. So you will see that
+    the turning up again of Number One, unrecognised and surrounded
+    by the trappings of god-head and the adoration of the Elect,
+    creates for <i>Nancy</i> a very pretty and absorbing problem in
+    social ethics. But Mr. HOWELLS has done more than this. Having
+    shown <i>Dylks</i> as the arch-villain and impostor that he is,
+    he proceeds to the subtler task of enlisting our sympathy for
+    him. It is this that gives the story its higher quality. The
+    horror of the poor wretch's position, driven on by his own
+    words, almost, in time, coming himself to a kind of belief in
+    them, haunted always by the increasing demands of his dupes, is
+    most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end we hear
+    of his death (by suicide or accident) with an emotion of relief
+    and pity that is a real tribute to his creator. <i>The
+    Leatherwood God</i> is not a long story, but for concentrated
+    power it deserves to be classed amongst the outstanding work of
+    the season.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter&mdash;of
+    course in a strictly literary sense. It must at this moment
+    have required some courage to make your hero an agent of the
+    British Secret Service. And having done this she certainly
+    shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the situation so
+    created. In the interest of his profession, and for no reward
+    save the service of his country, <i>Marcus Janover</i> is
+    called upon to sacrifice love, friendship, even his personal
+    honour. Just how all this comes about I leave you to discover
+    by <i>The Light above the Cross Roads</i> (DUCKWORTH). It is a
+    powerful and highly original story that has the distinction of
+    breaking entirely new ground in war-novels. The scenes of it,
+    laid partly in Ireland, partly in Berlin, or behind the German
+    lines, are themselves guarantees of the unusual. One slight
+    criticism that I have to make rises from the question whether
+    so expert an "agent" as <i>Marcus</i> would really employ
+    blot-producing ink for his map tracery when, on his own
+    confession, he might have used pencil. But if the blots had not
+    been there the Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning
+    of <i>Marcus's</i> presence amongst them) would never have
+    arrested <i>Ursule</i>, and thus provided a dramatic and
+    unhackneyed situation. There is a gravity and distinction,
+    moreover, about the tale that somehow reminds me of the late
+    Monsignor BENSON. It is undoubtedly a story that should be
+    read.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I am rather puzzled what to say about the <i>The Grey
+    Shepherd</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), because it is essentially
+    a story that will appeal very differently to readers of
+    different temperaments. Some people will say, "How beautiful!"
+    Others perhaps, "How precious!" and both with a certain truth.
+    For my own part, I should select a middle course, and say that
+    Mrs. J.E. BUCKROSE has had a wholly admirable idea for a short
+    story, which she has done her best to spoil by enlarging it to
+    book dimensions, and a little over-sweetening it. There is real
+    delicacy and beauty in her theme. The youth forced by partial
+    blindness to give up all the hopes for which he had been
+    educated, who becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his
+    pipe (musical) and the simplicities of country lore for the
+    loss of love and ambition; and eventually, after his death, is
+    deified by rustic tradition into a supernatural helper of "all
+    things that are kind"&mdash;here is an idea for the tenderest
+    handling. My feeling is, while giving Mrs. BUCKROSE every
+    credit for such an inspiration, that she should have been a
+    little sterner with herself over the treatment, and thus
+    avoided a certain stickiness that may irritate those who prefer
+    the simplicity of nature to a not quite sufficiently concealed
+    art. But, as I began by saying, it all depends on the
+    individual palate; and, anyhow, the book has the historic
+    excuse of being a very little one, which you can read, with
+    pleasure or irritation, within the hour.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels in
+    which the hero and heroine dally over-long in falling in love
+    you will get it by reading <i>The Fur-Bringers</i> (HODDER AND
+    STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon preliminaries, not a minute;
+    and as soon as <i>Ambrose Deane</i> and <i>Colina Gaviller</i>
+    have met and discovered at sight that they are just made for
+    each other the really exciting part of the story begins. I
+    forget how many times <i>Ambrose</i> is arrested during the
+    course of the tale, but I do know that things keep on happening
+    all the time, and that the rescue of the hero by the Indian
+    girl <i>Nesis</i> is delightfully told. Altogether Mr. HULBERT
+    FOOTNER'S picture of the life of a trader in Athabasca is
+    particularly attractive. I like it all, including the
+    cover.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/84.png"><img width="379"
+             src="images/84.png"
+             alt="The Douceur." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE DOUCEUR.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a
+        discharged soldier, was sentenced to ten months'
+        imprisonment for bigamy."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A proper verdict this, that for a while</p>
+
+            <p>Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14516 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14516 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14516)
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+January 31, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 31, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2005  [eBook #14516]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 152, JANUARY 31, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14516-h.htm or 14516-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h/14516-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 152
+
+JANUARY 31, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The birth-rate in Berlin, it appears, is considerably lower this year than
+last. We can quite understand this reluctance to being born a German just
+now.
+
+       ***
+
+The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove beyond doubt
+that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans would have won this
+battle.
+
+       ***
+
+The German military authorities have declined to introduce bathless days.
+Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal habits that the Teuton does
+not pursue to a vicious excess.
+
+       ***
+
+Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the Midland Railway
+owing to the publicity given by the FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's
+one-and-ninepenny luncheon basket. Many people are finding it more
+economical to purchase a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the
+train than to go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.
+
+       ***
+
+An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round has been laid by
+a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood that a proposal by the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard should be adopted as the compulsory
+minimum for the duration of the War is meeting with some opposition from
+Mr. PROTHERO.
+
+       ***
+
+"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the _Berliner
+Tageblatt_. We understand that, acting upon this advice, several high
+command officers have volunteered to sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.
+
+       ***
+
+The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from the date of
+their leaving work to those employees who until recently have been held
+under arrest for participation in the Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of
+making them a grant for Kit and Field allowances has not yet come under
+consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take flowers with
+them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral shall be a quiet one.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories for the U.S.
+Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted by a British firm. The
+explanation is of course that the former are primarily designed to enforce
+universal peace.
+
+       ***
+
+A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to assist in
+farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians--a jeweller, a hairdresser and
+a tailor. His complaint is, we understand, that while he wanted his land to
+be well-dressed he didn't want it overdone.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.
+
+CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.]
+
+       ***
+
+A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the announcement that it is
+still open for business, the action of the Court having only deprived it of
+the right to sell intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of
+_Hamlet_ without the familiar spirit.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in a
+recent address. Germany, we are happy to state, is war-weary and will soon
+be Maximilian-Hardened.
+
+       ***
+
+The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has been settled
+once for all. "The War has provided many incidents for this revue," says a
+stage paper of a new production.
+
+       ***
+
+A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in East Essex.
+The general idea is not new, though it is more usual to plant a rose-garden
+round your pig-sty, as a corrective.
+
+       ***
+
+It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official prohibition of
+"fishing, washing and bathing" in the St. James's Park pond is superfluous,
+as the pond was dried up two years ago. In view of the exceptional severity
+of the weather the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by
+another merely prohibiting skating.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider proposals for
+the reform of the British Consular service. The suggestion, however, that
+not more than seventy-five per cent. of our Consular representatives should
+be natives of Germany and the countries of her Allies seems a little too
+drastic.
+
+       ***
+
+"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a really ideal
+soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the Inns of Court O.T.C. On
+the other hand we still have a number of distinguished soldiers who before
+the War attached paramount importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.
+
+       ***
+
+The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the view of
+mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened streets. It is pointed out
+that the use of luminous language has already proved of extreme value in
+critical situations.
+
+       ***
+
+"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley Tribunal to an
+employer who was said to have an indoor staff of thirteen servants. As a
+beginning he proposes to take a reef in the butler.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will adversely affect
+the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says a manager, "require chocolate
+in the cinema." It is feared that they will have to go back to the
+old-fashioned plan of chewing the corner of the programme.
+
+       ***
+
+At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's shop. No blame
+attaches, we understand, to the driver, who sounded his gong three times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.
+
+    [The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the
+    Somme. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the effect
+    that the Germans have "reached the appointed goal."]
+
+  On footer fields two goals are situated,
+    One, as a rule, at either end:
+  This for attack (in front) is indicated,
+    And this (to rearward) you defend;
+  In your remark projected on the screen
+    You don't say which you mean.
+
+  If you refer to ours in that ambiguous
+    And filmy phrase, why then you lie;
+  And if to yours--we hope to be contiguous
+    To our objective by-and-by,
+  But for the present, though the end is sure,
+    Your statement's premature.
+
+  In fact--to follow up the sporting image
+    In which you "reach the appointed goal"--
+  With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage
+    Forward and back the fight will roll,
+  Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line
+    (This represents the Rhine).
+
+  Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,
+    And wish the call of Time were blown,
+  To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring
+    Gratuitously on his own,
+  You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)
+    To make the thing a draw.
+
+  Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll
+    Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at last,
+  Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,
+    He wants to blow the final blast;
+  Time will be called, I fancy, when the score
+    Suits us, and not before.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+    (_The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: On the Telephone_).
+
+_The King._ HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are you there, I say?
+
+_The Kaiser._ All right, all right. Who's talking?
+
+_The King._ KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the KAISER.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.
+
+_The King._ Is that you, WILLIE?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much time.
+
+_The King._ I say, the most awful thing has happened. The Allies have sent
+me an Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ A what?
+
+_The King._ An Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more
+plainly. I can't hear a word you say.
+
+_The King._ The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did you hear that time?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes, most of it.
+
+_The King._ Well.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well.
+
+_The King._ What do you think about it?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Not very much. Lots of other people have had ultimatums and
+haven't been one pfennig the worse for them.
+
+_The King._ Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums. It's a
+regular ultimatissimum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ What do they want you to do?
+
+_The King._ All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance, I am to move my
+troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get them out of harm's way.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, move them. What are troops for except to be moved
+about? You can always move them back again, you know. I keep on moving
+troops forward and backward all the time. It's a mere nothing when you once
+get accustomed to it. Just you try it and see. Anything more?
+
+_The King._ Yes; I'm to release from prison the followers of the
+pestilential VENIZELOS.
+
+_The Kaiser._ That's unpleasant, of course, for a patent Greek War-Lord;
+but I should do it if I were you, and then you can let me know how it
+feels.
+
+_The King._ Look here, William, I don't know what's the matter with you,
+but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny. You seem to think the whole
+affair's a sort of German joke. So it is, by Zeus--that's to say it's no
+joke at all.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Manners, TINO, manners.
+
+_The King._ I'm sick and tired of all this talk.
+
+_The Kaiser._ If you go on like that I shall not talk to you any more.
+
+_The King._ Don't say that; I could not bear such a loss. But, seriously,
+are you going to help as you promised?
+
+_The Kaiser._ I cannot help you now. You must play for time.
+
+_The King._ I've exhausted all the possibilities of playing for time. It
+wouldn't be the least good. They really mean it this time, and they've
+given me a strictly limited period for compliance.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, I suppose you know best, but I should have thought you
+could have spun out negotiations for a hit--given them a little promise
+here and a little promise there on the chance of something turning up.
+
+_The King._ The long and the short of it is that you promised to help us,
+but it was only a little promise here or there, and you don't mean to keep
+it. I shall accept the ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ The what? The telephone's buzzing again.
+
+_The King._ The ULTIMATUM!!
+
+_The Kaiser._ Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means accept it. And, by the
+way, I'm publishing a volume of my War-speeches, and will make a point of
+sending you an early copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.
+
+_The King._ Gr-r-r.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL GOVERNMENT.
+
+    "Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
+    ADVICE."--_Daily Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC MODESTY.
+
+    "The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the _Daily Gazette_
+    already exceeds that of last year's Christmas Number by more than 50
+    per cent. The sell is still going on actively."--_Daily Gazette
+    (Karachi)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yes, I think we have it at last--I mean the stranglehold round the
+    enemy's neck. I seem to hear the death rattle in his guttural
+    throat."--_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you might have
+    fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London, for the types of
+    well-turned-out men out-Englished the English, from top hat to
+    varnished boot."--_American Paper._
+
+That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNMADE IN GERMANY.
+
+BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE VIOLATION OF
+BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED. SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."
+
+(The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German pamphlet which
+ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and says that "nobody need be
+surprised at the rumour which is going through Germany that he has been
+bought by England.")]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_after bringing his men to attention, to
+knock-kneed recruit_). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON
+THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LV.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Notwithstanding the reckless speed of the leave train and
+the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company on the leave boat, our gallant
+warriors continue to volunteer in thousands for that desperate enterprise
+known as "Proceeding on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain
+artfulness in the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.
+
+In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon extending by any
+means short of the criminal the duration of the leave. When Robert first
+went on leave he was young and innocent. He had four days given him; he
+left his unit on the first of them and was back with it on the last of
+them. The second time he improved on this and left France very early on the
+morning of his first day and arrived in France again very late on the last
+night of it. Then his friend John regarded _his_ leave as beginning and
+ending in England, which, if the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at
+midnight, is not a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave
+was for seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His explanation
+was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on military authorities;
+after that, leave got fixed at ten days net, ten days of the inelastic
+sort.
+
+Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell and he is no man
+if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover, how is one to fill in the
+dismal vacuum subsequent on the return from one leave otherwise than by the
+discussion of subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The
+duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only remained to
+improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John ferreted about and became
+aware of the existence of a civilian train to the port and of a Staff boat
+to the other port. He worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin
+de Fer, and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very
+regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff boat. He was
+able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on the return journey, and
+had therefore every reason to be proud of his efforts. Nevertheless he
+firmly decided to say nothing about it to anybody lest the idea should get
+overworked. But he told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of
+other people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and is
+now (_vide_ General Routine Orders, _passim_) unworkable.
+
+There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next time. There are
+other ways of getting to ports than by train. Why hold aloof from Motor
+Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be above making a personal friend or two
+among them? And if Orders limit the use of cars to officers of very senior
+rank, why be too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to
+the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and if you want
+the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use arguing about it. You
+sulk unostentatiously in the background until both boats are full, and then
+you state a piteous case of urgent family affairs to the right officer, to
+find yourself eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in
+their special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he wangled
+it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months' time, he decided to
+tell no one about it, not even John. But he did tell John as soon as he saw
+him, and John told the world. Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got
+written, published, and very carefully brought to the attention of all
+ranks.
+
+The earth having become full of free booklets containing watertight rules
+and regulations for keeping officers to the straight and narrow path to the
+U.K., and the roads, railways, quays and gangways being policed with
+stalwarts whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into the
+sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the Officer in Charge. I am
+told, at first hand, that there is as much variety in the reasons urged in
+support of applications as there is in the manner of the applicants. They
+attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future in England, to shame
+him with gruesome pictures of their recent past in France, to hustle him
+with emergencies or special duties, or to bully him with dark references to
+unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself, who was highly
+suspicious even of me, until he understood that I only wanted one thing in
+the world, and that was someone interesting to talk to while I waited for
+the leave boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low
+cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to guess, he had
+proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as he said, this might suggest
+some hardness of heart on his part, but I readily agreed, was even the
+first to state, that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to
+assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned holiday. But he
+just couldn't do it. I put it for him that he was but the powerless and
+insignificant agent of an authority greater than himself.
+
+To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe answer. True, he had
+his duty to perform, and right well he performed it, we agreed. But he had
+also his powers, his responsibilities--might we say, his scope? Yet, I
+gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of himself and
+his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for example. I suggested
+(very cautiously) that it would require a very much greater authority than
+himself to give relief to an ordinary person like myself, with no stronger
+reason to travel by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future
+and domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing to that;
+I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I knew quite well that he
+would help me if he could. We were unanimous as to the kindness of his
+heart. It was because I quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask
+him or think of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for
+England--but not by the leave boat.
+
+Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor more able to
+be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the brethren. I bragged; and
+now I'm told there is a printed order posted outside that M.L.O.'s office,
+making it a crime punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave
+to converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the M.L.O.
+
+The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon this subject,
+is the application of a very earnest young lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would
+always obey all rules and regulations, both in letter and spirit, with
+scrupulous regard. His application is worth setting out in full:--"I have
+the honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married from
+January 9th to January 18th inclusive."
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."
+
+"DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE AUGUSTS.
+
+A WAR-TIME DRAMA.
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August, 1914._
+
+    _There is a door_ R., _leading into the hall. There is also a door_ L.,
+    _but it only leads into a cupboard that_ Mary _really needs._
+
+    Marmaduke Beltravers, _a well-dressed man of thirty-five, is standing
+    by a small table pressing his suit_ (_his matrimonial suit, of
+    course_), _but without success. His bold black eyes are flashing._
+    Mary's _lovely face (_by an ingenious manipulation of the limelight_)
+    is quivering._
+
+_Marmaduke Beltravers_ (_hoarsely_). I have laid at your feet my hand, my
+heart and my flourishing business, and thus--thus I am supplanted by that
+puling saint, George Jeffreys. A-ha!      [_Gnaws his moustache._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _an English gentleman._
+
+_George Jeffreys_ (_furiously_). You here? You hound! You blackguard! You
+...
+
+_Mary_ (_realising that this is going to be no place for a lady_). The
+butcher--know his ring.      [_Exit by door_ R.
+
+_G.J._ (_pointing fiercely to cupboard_). Go!
+
+_M.B._ (_going_). Bah! You triumph now, but my day will dawn yettah.
+(_Starts._) What was that?
+
+_Newsboy_ (_outside_). War with Germany! War with Germany!
+
+_G.J._ War? Then I am a pauper.      [_He does not say how, but presumably
+he knows best._
+
+_M.B._ (_ceasing to go_). My day has dawned _now_.
+
+_G.J._ How so?
+
+_M.B._ Your conscience calls you, does it not, to enlist? (George _nods._)
+I have no conscience. While you fight I shall continue to press my suit.
+
+_G.J._ (_despairingly to himself_). Alas! what chance will that sweet girl
+have against his dark saturnine beauty and his wealth? (_Aloud, hopefully,
+as a thought strikes him_) But stay--war with Germany--perhaps you are a
+pauper also?
+
+_M.B._ Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha!      [_Twirls his
+moustache._
+
+_G.J._ (_losing his temper_). Cur!      [_Exit, to enlist, into cupboard.
+Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain falls._
+
+ACT II.
+
+    _Hyde Park, August, 1915._
+
+    _A dozen energetic supers, by being extremely glad to see one another
+    very many times, are creating the illusion of a gay and fashionable
+    throng. Enter_ Marmaduke Beltravers _with_ Mary. _She is distraite._
+
+_M.B._ (_in full hearing of fashionable throng_). Darling, I have waited
+patiently for you. Say that you will marry me now.
+
+_Mary._ Marmaduke, you are rich, you are beautiful and you are kind to me
+in your rather wicked way. But, alas! I cannot forget the noble figure of
+George--my George.     [_She sobs._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _in the uniform of a private._
+
+_G.J._ Mary!
+
+_M.B._ (_intervening jauntily_). Well, my man?
+
+_G.J._ (_his vocabulary strengthened by Army life_). You dash blank
+blighter! You ruddy plague-spot!
+
+_Mary_ (_gazing at him with horror_). Oh, George,
+those--clothes--don't--fit!      [_Sobs heartbrokenly._
+
+_M.B._ (_striking while the iron is hot_). Mary, you shall choose between
+us, here and now.
+
+_G.J._ (_yearningly_). Mary, with you to cheer me on I will win the V.C. I
+swear it. My beloved, come with me; there will be a separation allowance.
+
+_Mary_ (_shuddering_). Not in those trousers. I--can't.      [_She swoons
+in_ Marmaduke's _arms._ George _raises his fist to strike_ Marmaduke.
+_Enter_ Sergeant Tompkins.
+
+_Sergt. T._ 'Ere, none o' that. Private Jeffreys, 'SHUN! Right--TURN!
+About--TURN! Left--TURN! Quick--MARCH!      [_Exit_ George _to win V.C._
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT III.
+
+    Marmaduke's _Mansion in Park Lane, August, 1916._
+
+    [_Enter_ Mary Beltravers (_née_ Gray), _unhappy._
+
+_Mary._ My little dog--my only friend--I cannot find him. (_She rummages
+absently among the papers on her husband's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a
+document, reads it through and clutches at her throat._) My husband--a
+German ser-py! (_She turns savagely on_ Marmaduke, _who has just entered._)
+So this--this is the source of our wealth! Your munitions arm our enemies.
+You play the German game.
+
+_M.B._ (_simply_). I do. I have a birth qualification.
+
+_Mary_ (_wildly_). But I'll thwart you; I'll denounce you (_seizes
+telephone_). You shall rue the day you married a true daughter of England.
+
+_M.B._ (_with sinister significance_). Remember, Mary, "to love, honour and
+OBEY." Put down that instrument.      [_With a gesture of despair she lets
+the receiver fall, thus driving the girl at the exchange nearly frantic.
+Suddenly the door is thrown open. Enter_ Captain George Jeffreys _with_
+Sergeant-Major Tompkins _and squad of soldiers._
+
+_G.J._ Marmaduke Beltravers, _né_ Heinrich Hoggenheimer, the game is up.
+(Marmaduke _dashes to the window. The dozen supers outside raise a howl of
+execration mingled with cries of "Lynch the spy!_") You see, there is no
+way of escape.
+
+_M.B._ (_drawing revolver_). You shall not long enjoy your triumph. I have
+but one cartridge, but perchance it will be enough for you.      [_Pulls
+trigger, but finds action rather stiff._
+
+_G.J._ Look out, Mary! These things are rather tricky in inexperienced
+hands.      [Marmaduke _succeeds in pulling trigger. There is a violent
+explosion and a large hole appears in_ George's _breeches._
+
+_G.J._ (_calmly to the baffled_ Marmaduke). Bad luck! That's my cork one. I
+lost the original when I got this.      [_Touches V.C. pinned on his
+breast._
+
+_M.B._ (_annoyed_). Curse, and curse again!      [_Gnawing his moustache he
+falls in with squad._
+
+_Sergt.-Major T._ Prisoner and escort, 'SHUN! Stand at--EASE. 'SHUN. Move
+to the right in fours. Form--FOURS. RIGHT. By the left, quick--MARCH.
+[_Exeunt, leaving_ Mary _in_ George's _arms. The howls of execration
+redouble. Then there is a tense silence, broken by the sound of a volley._
+
+_George._ Mary, my own! At last!
+
+_Mary._ My hero.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.
+
+The enterprise of the London and North-Western Railway officials, in
+designing a button to obviate delays at the gate caused by the new
+show-your-season order, has (we understand) spurred other lines to a
+similar ingenuity. Below are some of the latest novelties in
+ticket-substitutes.
+
+THE POM-POM.--May be worn in any variety of hat. Very suitable for short
+travellers. A simple inclination of the head permits verification by the
+inspector. Made in two shades--dark green, covering any distance up to
+twenty-five miles of town, or red (as worn by anarchists and the staff of
+the L. & S.W.R.), covering a journey up to fifty miles.
+
+UMBRELLA AND STICK TOPS, unscrewable, faced with plate-glass, permitting
+the insertion of a ticket, and its easy verification on being thrust under
+the nose of an official. Special quality fitted with small electric bulb
+for evening wear.
+
+For those who desire a really striking and chic novelty, that up-to-date
+line, the Great Eccentric, is reported to have engaged a staff of expert
+tattoo artists, who will puncture the date and designation of the pass upon
+the left cheek of the holder. Being not only elegant in design but
+practically irremovable, these markings will form a permanent and
+increasingly interesting memento of the Great War. Price according to
+distance and lettering.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.
+
+_First C.O._ "_I_ TELL YOU WHAT. FIND ME A MAN WHO CAN COOK CUTLETS
+DECENTLY, AND YOU SHALL HAVE OUR SECOND-BEST PIERROT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACTLESS.
+
+    "THANKSGIVING SERVICE on Sunday, February 18th, Canon ----'s last day
+    as Vicar of ----."--_Midland Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE OBVIOUS.
+
+    "There is very general agreement in banking circles in the City as to
+    the satisfactory character of the response which has already been made
+    to the new War Loan, but good though it has been, the total must still
+    be small compared with the need, and must fall infinitely short of the
+    figure aimed at, which, of course, is unlimited."--_Sunday Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SMILE OF VICTORY.
+
+    [According to Reuter's Washington Correspondent, women suffragists have
+    of late regularly picketed the White House. When President WILSON
+    appears "they deploy so that he cannot fail to see their banners. The
+    President smiles broadly and passes on."]
+
+  Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical speeches
+  And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches,
+  Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its portals--
+  Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.
+
+  He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries off
+  To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;
+  And, while studying closely his putts, to explore
+  The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.
+
+  To cope with emergency once in a way
+  Is nothing to facing it every day;
+  And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is seen,
+  He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.
+
+  O happy idealist! Others may weep
+  At the crimes and the horrors that murder their sleep;
+  You've two perfect specifics your cares to beguile--
+  An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb when he
+    could live at Bournemouth?'"--_Morning Paper._
+
+The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it had not come
+    Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised goat is fate would have
+    been miserable beyond swallowed by the boat-constrictor, so Great
+    Britain would have been absorbed by Germany."--_Evening Paper._
+
+With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift of the
+paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a new kind of
+submarine?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR LAND-WORKERS.
+
+_Mabel_ (_discussing a turn for the village Red Cross Concert_). "WHAT
+ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS GIRLS?"
+
+_Ethel._ "YES--BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INFANTRYMAN.
+
+  The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury,
+  The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,
+  The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back,
+  In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack;
+  Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job, say I)
+  Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on high,
+  But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began
+  Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman.
+
+  The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in,
+  And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s begin,
+  And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet,
+  But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet.
+  Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit,
+  He's always there where the fighting is--he's there unless he's hit;
+  Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can;
+  He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantryman!
+
+  Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging mire--
+  Steady in front, go steady! Close up there!  Mind the wire!
+  Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of the ditch, jump
+      clear!
+  Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck when the shells come
+      near!
+  Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench,
+  With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden
+      khaki's stench!
+  Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can--
+  This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE IS THE CENSOR?
+
+    "A woman has been fined £10 for chipping lyddite out of a shell which
+    had been over-filled by means of a screwdriver."--_Evening Paper._
+
+We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform the enemy in this
+way of our methods of filling shells.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DEAD FROST.
+
+PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"
+
+"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF PETROL IN THE BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.
+
+_From Adjutant to O.C. A Company._
+
+Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please expedite.
+
+(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last Sunday? Isn't it
+positively the outside edge?)
+
+  ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,
+      _Mrs. and Adjutant._
+
+
+_Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant._
+
+I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday, as otherwise I
+shall not be able to attend the sales, and my Sam Browne is quite the
+dowdiest in tho whole battalion.
+
+  JOAN DARLING,
+      _Second-Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster._
+
+Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for bottle, scent,
+one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has not been supplied with bottle
+since joining this unit I take it that such will be a free issue.
+
+  EMMA PIPP,
+      _Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. A Company to Quartermaster._
+
+Please note fact that the boots, khaki suède uppers, pair, one, issued
+yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not supplied with regulation
+Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are therefore herewith returned.
+
+  BOADICEA BLUNT.
+      _Capt. O.C. A Coy._
+
+
+_From O.C. B Company to O.C. D Company._
+
+Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O. Jones, B
+Company, attached D Company, for your attention and necessary action,
+please.
+
+(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged, and she has
+asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be bridesmaids! Not that _I_
+wanted to take it on. But think of poor dear O.C. C! _Won't_ she look
+too-too?)
+
+  MILDRED NORTON,
+      _Capt. O.C. B Coy._
+
+
+_From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O. Marshall._
+
+Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of Survey, which
+assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st for the purpose of
+inquiring into the circumstances whereby box, powder, face, one, on charge
+of this unit, became used up suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for
+the necessary witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to
+the Adjutant in triplicate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR MILITARY EXPERTS.
+
+    "The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly and with luck,
+    would involve a threat to the French left and to the communications
+    with Italy."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of Holland would in
+very much the same way threaten the British right and our communications
+with Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering parrots is
+    advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent announcements from the
+    battlefields of Europe that 'brayless' mules have been perfected for
+    trench and other battle-front labours by a simple operation on the
+    nostrils and the nerves affecting the vocal cords."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Why not speechless Presidents?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XVI.
+
+MARYLEBONE.
+
+  Mary Lebone
+    She gets no meat,
+  She never has anything
+    Nice to eat;
+  A supper fit
+    For a dog alone
+  Is all the fare
+    Of poor Mary Lebone.
+  She squats by the corner
+    Of Baker Street
+  And snuffs the air
+    So spicy and sweet
+  When the Bakers are baking
+    Their puddings and pies,
+  Their buns and their biscuits
+    And Banburies--
+  A tart for Jocelyn
+    A cake for Joan,
+  And nothing at all
+    For poor Mary Lebone!
+
+XVII.
+
+SCOTLAND YARD.
+
+  "How long's the Yard in Scotland?
+    Tell me that now, Mother."
+  "Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,
+    Just like any other."
+  "O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?"
+    "No more than thirty-seven."
+  "Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid
+    Will never get to heaven."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger._ "I HEAR THEY'RE THINKING OF ELECTRIFYING THIS
+PART OF THE LINE."
+
+_Porter._ "AY; THEY'RE ALLUS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME. THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING
+_US_ NEXT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWARD.
+
+Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a free-and-easy way with him.
+His free-and-easy way shows itself chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and
+waving his hand to all those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is
+talkative at times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is
+limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several words, or
+says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I have--or a less rigid
+regard for the truth.
+
+You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To be exact, it is
+thirteen months since he first saw the light in this troubled world. Not
+that the world is a troubled one to Edward; on the contrary.
+
+Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the sea-front of his
+native town. His free-and-easy way has secured him a large circle of
+acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen stop and speak to him, which he
+likes, so long as they do not pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent
+among elderly gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises,
+though in their hearts they are probably comparing him unfavourably with
+their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a cheery life.
+
+Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little man--so little,
+indeed, that most people would have called him a dwarf. He was walking in
+the same direction as Edward, and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand
+and smiled and waved again.
+
+For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at length he felt
+obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate, who propels the perambulator,
+"Seems friendly like;" to which Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to
+everyone."
+
+Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled by that remark.
+For myself I may say that, though Edward always smiles when we meet, I do
+not greatly value it because I know he smiles in the same way upon everyone
+else.
+
+But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with "everyone," to be
+placed by Edward on an equality with the strong and graceful, sent a warm
+glow to his heart.
+
+So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the boy-scouts, done one
+good deed that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The system of women and girls acting as field labourers, ploughing and
+    shepherding, etc., in itself produces a rough state of
+    society."--_Country Life._
+
+However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the following:--
+
+    "ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.
+
+    "Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's College, 6."--_The Times._
+
+Splendid! These colleges think of everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.
+
+So much good has notoriously been done during the great conflict by letters
+to the Press that Mr. Punch, recognising the importance of having this
+branch of War-work taught to the young, has engaged a gentleman of ample
+leisure and few responsibilities, who hides behind the _nom de guerre_
+"Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of instructive lectures on the
+subject. By the time the student has absorbed a complete course he will he
+qualified to write to the papers on any topic, and, to adopt every tone
+from the pleading and querulous to the indignant and hectoring. From this
+can follow nothing less than the complete rout of the Germans.
+
+SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.
+
+_I.--A World in Darkness._
+
+The world before newspapers--Unbearable thought--No Street and no Man in
+it--Unfortunate position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL,
+CÆSAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military experts--Their
+fatal ignorance of public opinion--Serious handicaps in the past--LEONIDAS
+never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip--ALCIBIADES never stimulated by attacks
+in Athens journals--No brainy onlooker at defeat of Armada.
+
+_II.--The Growth of the Press._
+
+The birth of a happier era--The first English newspaper--Rapid development
+of the new arm--A nation made articulate--Unfortunate quietistic
+tendencies: ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON--Foreshadowings of the real
+thing--Arrival of the real thing--The Fourth Estate--The Tenth Muse--The
+Editor as Dictator--The Millennium.
+
+_III.--The Vigilant Correspondent._
+
+The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth--Importance of attending to other
+people's affairs--True citizenship the improvement of one's
+neighbours--Neglect of one's own character a national virtue--Brief sketch
+of Paul Pry--Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty--Keepers of the public
+conscience--Human alarm-clocks--Samples of reforms delayed by absence of
+letters to the Press--The circulation of the blood--The law of gravity--The
+movement of the solar system--Value of iteration and undauntability.
+
+_IV.--Range of Subject._
+
+Every stick useful in beating dogs--Nothing too trivial to yoke with such
+words as "scandal" and "outrage"--Suspicion and mistrust the
+letter-writer's life-blood--Necessity for believing everyone in office
+negligent or corrupt--Reasons why it is better to write to the papers than
+to the individual--The sacredness of publicity--Importance also of victim
+seeing the indictment--Value of _Who's Who?_--Postal rates for newspapers.
+
+_V.--Signatures._
+
+Real names and pseudonyms--Cases where real names are best--Cases where
+pseudonyms are best--Danger of giving both name and address--The
+Knobkerry--The Dog-Whip--The Art of Self-Defence--The Law Directory--Choice
+of pseudonyms--Latin _v._ English--An Advantage of "One Who Knows" over
+"Audi Alteram Partem"--"Scrutator" better than "Spectator ab extra"--"One
+who is doing his bit" better than "Junius"--Reasons for "War-Winner" being
+the best at present moment.
+
+_VI.--Model Letter with Remarks._
+
+At the present moment no type of letter is more effective than the
+following:--
+
+SIR,--Could anything be more deplorable than the spectacle, which every
+hour of the day and night affords, of young and vigorous men made up to
+look like grandfathers. I am told that the theatrical costumiers and
+perruquiers are worn to a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible
+shirkers have subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful
+influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a courageous
+investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of London, were to snatch
+at the bald scalps so much in evidence there, he would in nine cases out of
+ten find that they came away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the
+youthful and fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I
+shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and vigilant and
+their net so tightly drawn that no one can get through; but we all know
+what bunglers the English authorities are, whether at the War Office or
+elsewhere. It is only in newspaper offices that true efficiency can be
+found. I enclose my card and am,
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+      "WAR-WINNER."
+
+Analysis of above--Reasons for thinking it perfect--Importance of
+compliment to editors--Estimate of its probable result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extremes.
+
+    "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers) and
+    commanded that famous regiment in the Boer War."--_Evening
+    Telegraph_ (_Dundee_).
+
+    "Sergeant ----, who is 2 years of age, is married, and has two
+    children."--_Same Paper, same date._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was bitten by a made
+    bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last evening by the Talaimannar train
+    for treatment."--_Ceylon Independent._
+
+But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a shoemaker's advertisement:
+
+    "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."--_High River Times_ (_Alberta,
+    Canada_).
+
+The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written to me I have
+    the honour to reply that they are all blackguards."--_Advt. in
+    Ceylon Paper._
+
+Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in full sympathy
+with the writer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW
+YOU'RE A SOLDIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.
+
+    (_Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on eccentric place
+    names._)
+
+  Now that the rise in railway fares
+    (At which no patriot cavils)
+  Has chained us elders to our chairs
+    And circumscribed our travels,
+  I love to play the festive game
+    Of astral gravitation
+  To any neighbourhood whose name
+    Is fraught with fascination.
+
+  I've never sampled in the flesh
+    The varied charms of Bootle,
+  But mentally I find them fresh
+    And redolent of footle;
+  And, though my steps to that resort
+    I never up till now bent,
+  Imagination can transport
+    My spirit into Chowbent.
+
+  Always alert upon the track
+    Of rich and strange emotion,
+  To Pudsey and to Wibsey Slack
+    I pay my fond devotion;
+  My heart is in the Highlands oft,
+    Though age its glow enfeebles,
+  And soars triumphantly aloft
+    At the mere sound of Peebles.
+
+  The nightingale in leafy June,
+    I own, divinely warbles,
+  But equal magic fills the tune-
+    ful name of Scotia's Gorbals;
+  And if you ever should desire
+    A subject to wax funny on,
+  What theme more fitly can inspire
+    The Muse than Ballybunnion?
+
+  Some places on my astral rounds
+    I'm strong upon tabooing,
+  On anti-alcoholic grounds
+    Grogport and Rum eschewing;
+  But no such painful stigma robs
+    Proud Potto of its lustre,
+  Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and Stobs,
+    A memorable cluster.
+
+  The pictures rising in my brain
+    Are strange; sometimes I muddle 'em,
+  Confounding Pleck with Plodder Lane,
+    Titley with Tillietudlem;
+  In short, it's not a game of skill,
+    Else I should scarce essay at;
+  But it is harmless, costs me _nil_;
+    And nobody need play it.
+
+  The plan is simple; choose a spot,
+    Then focus with decision
+  Your thoughts upon it till you've got
+    A clear-cut mental vision;
+  And though from fact it widely errs,
+    Remember in conclusion
+  Only the man of prose prefers
+    Eyewitness to illusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
+
+Extract from a soldier's letter:--
+
+    "DEAR MOTHER,--I am thoroughly run down, and have grown so thin that
+    when I get a pain in my middle I cannot tell whether it is a backache
+    or a stomachache."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each station along the route by
+    rending sacred songs and solos as The Kano Express drew in."--_Lagos
+    Weekly Record._
+
+"That's torn it," said the conductor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Britons never shall be slaves if they will only remember the solemn
+    warning of the author of the words--'To thine own self be true, and
+    then thou canst be false to any man.'"--_Letter in Scotch Paper._
+
+One recognises the note of liberty, but we fear the writer must have got
+hold of a German edition of "Unser Shakspeare."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+As Jim and me lies in hospital gettin' better from our wounds we talks over
+what we've been through in this War.
+
+There was the time when we was billeted with Mrs. Dawkins, just before we
+went to the Front, which dwells in our memories. When the billetin' orficer
+introduced us into her kitchen Mrs. Dawkins went down on the bricks and
+prayed she might do her duty by the two noble defenders of her country--she
+meant me and Jim--who the Lord had pleased to deliver into her care. Then
+she begun unlacin' Jim's boots. In a minute Mr. Dawkins come in; he said we
+was hearty welcome, and was just goin' to shake 'ands with us when Mrs.
+Dawkins turned on 'im and asked 'im what he meant by standin' there like a
+gawk and not unlacin' mine. Jim and me was very uncomfortable.
+
+Then some little Dawkinses come in, Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda, and
+was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their respecks to us, and do it proper or
+she'd know the reason why. Sammy saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him
+unmerciful. Jim and me begun to feel regler low-spirited.
+
+After that she set out the tea. It was as butiful a tea as we could wish
+for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste and sardines, and bein' hungry after
+a long march we cheered up and looked forward to enjoyin' it. As was
+correck Jim 'anded all the dishes to Mrs. Dawkins first, but she said, "No,
+thank you, such things are for the defenders of the country, and it is our
+duty to provide them, but bread-and-dripping is good enough for me and Mr.
+Dawkins and the children."
+
+Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda all begun to cry, and their father sat
+lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery. It clean took away our appetites.
+She piled our plates with jam and sardines, but we couldn't swaller a
+mouthful with them poor kids sobbin' all round the table. We was thankful
+they was put to bed before supper. Mrs. Dawkins fried potaters and sausages
+and set 'em down in front of me Jim, with a jug of porter, and she and
+Dawkins and a young man lodger sat at the other end, behind half a Dutch
+cheese and some water. All the meals was the same.
+
+There was only three rooms upstairs, and Jim and me couldn't make out how
+it was we had a bedroom apiece till we come across the lodger sleepin' on
+the kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle and Sammy in one of the dresser
+drawers. Then we asked to be allowed to sleep together, with the lodger to
+one side; but Mrs. Dawkins said, "I thank the Lord we're blessed with two
+good beds in our house, and as long as I have two defenders of the country
+in my care I should like to catch anyone belonging to me getting into
+either of their beds. If we're all getting wore out for want of sleep we
+can't help ourselves, we're doing our duty."
+
+Then she asked Jim if he was warm enough nights, and before he'd time to
+think he'd blurted out he wasn't quite. That evening she come down
+shiverin' to supper in her petticut, and said what did it matter her
+catchin' her death of cold if them she had in her care slept warm and
+comfortable under her meriner skirt. We felt downright brutes.
+
+But what hurt us most was the way them kids took against us. Me and Jim is
+fond of kids, and we wanted to make friends and play with 'em, but it
+weren't no good. They was always puttin' their tongues out at us when Mrs.
+Dawkins' back was turned and talkin' loud to one another: "I say, Sammy, I
+'ates soldiers, don't you? Soldiers is greedy; poor little children don't
+have nothink where soldiers is. Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says his 'ome
+is a 'ell since the soldiers come. 'Ere they are walkin' down the street.
+Quick, Billy! Mother ain't lookin'; turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."
+
+To make up for her kindness to us Jim and me tried to do little odd jobs
+about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but somehow it all turned to wormwood. We
+slipped out early one Sunday morning and begun siftin' the cinders in the
+backyard, but she caught sight of us and 'ollered so at Dawkins she woke up
+all the neighbours: "How can you lay there snorin', you great lazy
+good-for-nothing, and look on while the defenders of your country is
+wearin' themselves out 'siftin' your cinders?"
+
+Dawkins tumbled off the mangle, thinkin' it was a fire, and he swore
+terrible at me and Jim.
+
+The young man lodger took against us too. When his washin' was on the line
+we couldn't help noticin' he was very bad off for underclothes, and Jim and
+me, havin' more shirts and socks that kind ladies had give us than we
+knowed how' to wear, we took the liberty of wrappin' three of each in paper
+with a label, "Hopin' no offence," and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse
+where he was in the habit of doin' his hair. We was pleased to notice next
+day he had got one of the shirts on. Of course we made no remark; no more
+did he. But at supper-time Mrs. Dawkins caught sight of his cuffs. She took
+the poor feller by the collar and we was afraid she would have shook the
+life out of him.
+
+"You thievin' rascal!" she said. "To think I should 'arbour in my house a
+man as ain't ashamed to rob the defenders of his country of the shirts off
+their backs!" Then she begun callin' for the police.
+
+Jim and me tried to explain, but it weren't no use. The first chance he had
+the young man lodger got out through the door. He come back in half a
+minute with his feet bare and his weskit all anyhow. The shirts and socks
+was under his arm.
+
+"Damn you and yer clothes!" he said, and flung 'em at me and Jim. It were
+very disheartenin'.
+
+When it come to leavin' we felt we ought to show our gratitude for the
+treatment we had received by makin' Mrs. Dawkins a little present. Bein' of
+an uncommon disposition it were difficult to choose what would please her.
+I were in favour of a pink shawl; but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin'
+anybody any more clothes. In the end we chose a pair of earrings.
+
+Directly we give 'em to her we saw we'd done wrong. She turned on Dawkins
+like a hyener. "'Ave I done my duty and starved us all to death and given
+them two the best in the house and slept cold every night to be paid in
+gewgaws?" she said. "Didn't I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it agen? and
+are you a man or a cur that you stand there expectin' me to put them things
+into my ears instead of behind the fire?" In another minute the earrings
+was melted. It were some consolation to me and Jim that she didn't refuse
+to shake 'ands with us when we come away; but Dawkins did, and so did the
+young man lodger, and all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We never have
+been able to make out who were to blame. We thinks sometimes it were Mrs.
+Dawkins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it strikes the Hyphenated.
+
+An extract from _Los Angeles Germania_, which describes itself as "An
+American newspaper printed in the German and American languages":--
+
+    "At last the mask is removed from the hypocritical face of England. The
+    cloven hoof of British insolence has struck square into the face of
+    Uncle Sam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Holders of the old War Loan who are not yet converted to conversion may be
+led to a decision by the discovery that "BONAR LAW" spells "War Loan 'B.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses' Home where nurses do not sleep."--
+     _Women's Employment._
+
+Applicants should beware, as insomnia is very catching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "KEEP YER POINT UP LIKE YER DOIN' NOW, CAN'T
+YER? YOU WON'T NEVER GET YER MAN IF YER DON'T KEEP YER POINT UP. HAVE YER
+NEVER DONE NO BAYONET PRACTICE BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_ (_just out of hospital, very bored_). "I'VE DONE THIS 'ERE TO THE
+BLOOMIN' BOSCHES, I 'AVE."
+
+_Sergeant._ "OH. YOU 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? NO WONDER THE WAR'S LASTED TWO AND A
+'ALF YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE wrote, some
+years ago, about a pack of schoolmasters who got so monstrously upon one
+another's nerves that the result was attempted murder? I have just been
+reading a new story that may be regarded as the female counterpart of the
+same tragedy. _Regiment of Women_ (HEINEMANN) is described as a first
+novel; and there are indeed signs of this in a certain verbosity and
+diffuseness of attack. But it is at least equally clear that the writer,
+CLEMENCE DANE, has the root of the matter in her. As in the book with which
+I have compared it, the setting of this is scholastic--a girls' school
+here, with all its restricted outlook, its small intrigues, and exaggerated
+friendships, mercilessly exposed. You will be willing to admit that it is
+at least aptly named when I tell you that not till page 135 does so much as
+the shadow of a man appear, and then but fleetingly as the father of the
+poor child, _Louise_, the tragedy of whose death is the central incident of
+the book. Naturally it can be nothing else than a painful story; in
+particular the figure of _Clare_, the adored teacher, whose cruel
+egoistical friendship, with its alternations of encouragement and
+brutality, first drives _Louise_ to suicide, and all but wrecks the life of
+the young assistant-mistress, _Alwynne_, has in it something coldly
+sinister that haunts the memory. But of its power there can be no question.
+On one small point of psychology I am at issue with the writer. I doubt
+whether the child _Louise_ could have played _Arthur_ in the school
+theatricals so marvellously as we are asked to believe without cheering
+herself, by such an artistic success, out of the temptation to suicide. But
+the ways of morbidity are unsearchable, and this is no more than an
+expression of individual opinion. It is not meant to qualify my admiration
+for the skill of this remarkable and arresting story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the long postponement of the appearance of another novel--_Vesprie
+Towers_ (SMITH, ELDER)--by the late Mr. THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am
+careful not to say it does) that the author never intended it to see the
+light of day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have been wisdom
+in that decision, for the story of _Violet Vesprie_, though touched with a
+certain charm and distinction, sadly lacks the imaginative intensity of
+_Aylwin_. The plot is commonplace, being the familiar record of how the
+country seat of a once illustrious family nearly, but of course not quite,
+passed into the hands of strangers when the last of the race came to
+poverty. Even the inevitable flight to London is not spared us or the
+heroine, and it is really only when the writer tires of his attempted
+conventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The return of
+_Violet_ to her old home, for instance, is most fortunate in its failure to
+follow the rules, that attractive young lady being quite content to be
+whisked back in the turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the
+place she loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle has been
+wrought; while we, reader and author alike, equally in the dark, are too
+happy to have her home to worry about it either, preferring to wander with
+her through the dear old rooms and let explanations go hang. Anyhow,
+perhaps one can forgive a certain amount of looseness in a story that holds
+such pleasant things as a family rainbow, an "osier ait" and a sailor-poet
+worshipping from afar. And indeed, though far from brilliant, the book is
+really rather lovable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Leatherwood God_ (JENKINS) Mr. W.D. HOWELLS has written a powerful
+and very interesting study of an unusual theme. Religious mania, and those
+queer manifestations of it that hover uncertainly between fraud and
+hysteria, have always provided a subject of attraction for the curious. Mr.
+HOWELLS sets his romance in the early days of the last century, at the
+backwoods settlement of _Leatherwood_, where the community of the faithful
+are perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a stranger, one _Dylks_, who
+claims divine origin and the power to work miracles. Actually, this _Dylks_
+was about as bad a hat as any made. He had deserted his legal wife,
+_Nancy_, and allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry a _de facto_
+husband whom she adored. So you will see that the turning up again of
+Number One, unrecognised and surrounded by the trappings of god-head and
+the adoration of the Elect, creates for _Nancy_ a very pretty and absorbing
+problem in social ethics. But Mr. HOWELLS has done more than this. Having
+shown _Dylks_ as the arch-villain and impostor that he is, he proceeds to
+the subtler task of enlisting our sympathy for him. It is this that gives
+the story its higher quality. The horror of the poor wretch's position,
+driven on by his own words, almost, in time, coming himself to a kind of
+belief in them, haunted always by the increasing demands of his dupes, is
+most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end we hear of his death
+(by suicide or accident) with an emotion of relief and pity that is a real
+tribute to his creator. _The Leatherwood God_ is not a long story, but for
+concentrated power it deserves to be classed amongst the outstanding work
+of the season.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter--of course in a strictly
+literary sense. It must at this moment have required some courage to make
+your hero an agent of the British Secret Service. And having done this she
+certainly shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the situation so
+created. In the interest of his profession, and for no reward save the
+service of his country, _Marcus Janover_ is called upon to sacrifice love,
+friendship, even his personal honour. Just how all this comes about I leave
+you to discover by _The Light above the Cross Roads_ (DUCKWORTH). It is a
+powerful and highly original story that has the distinction of breaking
+entirely new ground in war-novels. The scenes of it, laid partly in
+Ireland, partly in Berlin, or behind the German lines, are themselves
+guarantees of the unusual. One slight criticism that I have to make rises
+from the question whether so expert an "agent" as _Marcus_ would really
+employ blot-producing ink for his map tracery when, on his own confession,
+he might have used pencil. But if the blots had not been there the
+Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning of _Marcus's_ presence
+amongst them) would never have arrested _Ursule_, and thus provided a
+dramatic and unhackneyed situation. There is a gravity and distinction,
+moreover, about the tale that somehow reminds me of the late Monsignor
+BENSON. It is undoubtedly a story that should be read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am rather puzzled what to say about the _The Grey Shepherd_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), because it is essentially a story that will appeal very
+differently to readers of different temperaments. Some people will say,
+"How beautiful!" Others perhaps, "How precious!" and both with a certain
+truth. For my own part, I should select a middle course, and say that Mrs.
+J.E. BUCKROSE has had a wholly admirable idea for a short story, which she
+has done her best to spoil by enlarging it to book dimensions, and a little
+over-sweetening it. There is real delicacy and beauty in her theme. The
+youth forced by partial blindness to give up all the hopes for which he had
+been educated, who becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his pipe
+(musical) and the simplicities of country lore for the loss of love and
+ambition; and eventually, after his death, is deified by rustic tradition
+into a supernatural helper of "all things that are kind"--here is an idea
+for the tenderest handling. My feeling is, while giving Mrs. BUCKROSE every
+credit for such an inspiration, that she should have been a little sterner
+with herself over the treatment, and thus avoided a certain stickiness that
+may irritate those who prefer the simplicity of nature to a not quite
+sufficiently concealed art. But, as I began by saying, it all depends on
+the individual palate; and, anyhow, the book has the historic excuse of
+being a very little one, which you can read, with pleasure or irritation,
+within the hour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels in which the hero
+and heroine dally over-long in falling in love you will get it by reading
+_The Fur-Bringers_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon
+preliminaries, not a minute; and as soon as _Ambrose Deane_ and _Colina
+Gaviller_ have met and discovered at sight that they are just made for each
+other the really exciting part of the story begins. I forget how many times
+_Ambrose_ is arrested during the course of the tale, but I do know that
+things keep on happening all the time, and that the rescue of the hero by
+the Indian girl _Nesis_ is delightfully told. Altogether Mr. HULBERT
+FOOTNER'S picture of the life of a trader in Athabasca is particularly
+attractive. I like it all, including the cover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOUCEUR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a discharged
+    soldier, was sentenced to ten months' imprisonment for bigamy."--_Pall
+    Mall Gazette._
+
+  A proper verdict this, that for a while
+  Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+152, JANUARY 31, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 14516-8.txt or 14516-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 31, 1917, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+January 31, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 31, 1917</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: January 5, 2005  [eBook #14516]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, JANUARY 31, 1917***</p>
+<br /><br /><h4>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins,<br />
+                and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h4><br /><br />
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>January 31st, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69"
+       id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>The birth-rate in Berlin, it appears, is considerably lower
+    this year than last. We can quite understand this reluctance to
+    being born a German just now.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove
+    beyond doubt that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans
+    would have won this battle.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German military authorities have declined to introduce
+    bathless days. Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal
+    habits that the Teuton does not pursue to a vicious excess.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the
+    Midland Railway owing to the publicity given by the
+    FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's one-and-ninepenny luncheon
+    basket. Many people are finding it more economical to purchase
+    a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the train than to
+    go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round
+    has been laid by a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood
+    that a proposal by the FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard
+    should be adopted as the compulsory minimum for the duration of
+    the War is meeting with some opposition from Mr. PROTHERO.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the
+    <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>. We understand that, acting upon this
+    advice, several high command officers have volunteered to
+    sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from
+    the date of their leaving work to those employees who until
+    recently have been held under arrest for participation in the
+    Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of making them a grant for Kit
+    and Field allowances has not yet come under consideration.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take
+    flowers with them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral
+    shall be a quiet one.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories
+    for the U.S. Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted
+    by a British firm. The explanation is of course that the former
+    are primarily designed to enforce universal peace.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to
+    assist in farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians&mdash;a
+    jeweller, a hairdresser and a tailor. His complaint is, we
+    understand, that while he wanted his land to be well-dressed he
+    didn't want it overdone.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/69a.png"><img width="320"
+             src="images/69a.png"
+             alt="Nature's tactless mimicry." /></a>
+
+        <h4>NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.</h4>CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED
+        BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the
+    announcement that it is still open for business, the action of
+    the Court having only deprived it of the right to sell
+    intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of
+    <i>Hamlet</i> without the familiar spirit.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON
+    CHURCHILL in a recent address. Germany, we are happy to state,
+    is war-weary and will soon be Maximilian-Hardened.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has
+    been settled once for all. "The War has provided many incidents
+    for this revue," says a stage paper of a new production.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in
+    East Essex. The general idea is not new, though it is more
+    usual to plant a rose-garden round your pig-sty, as a
+    corrective.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official
+    prohibition of "fishing, washing and bathing" in the St.
+    James's Park pond is superfluous, as the pond was dried up two
+    years ago. In view of the exceptional severity of the weather
+    the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by
+    another merely prohibiting skating.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider
+    proposals for the reform of the British Consular service. The
+    suggestion, however, that not more than seventy-five per cent.
+    of our Consular representatives should be natives of Germany
+    and the countries of her Allies seems a little too drastic.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a
+    really ideal soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the
+    Inns of Court O.T.C. On the other hand we still have a number
+    of distinguished soldiers who before the War attached paramount
+    importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the
+    view of mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened
+    streets. It is pointed out that the use of luminous language
+    has already proved of extreme value in critical situations.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley
+    Tribunal to an employer who was said to have an indoor staff of
+    thirteen servants. As a beginning he proposes to take a reef in
+    the butler.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will
+    adversely affect the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says
+    a manager, "require chocolate in the cinema." It is feared that
+    they will have to go back to the old-fashioned plan of chewing
+    the corner of the programme.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's
+    shop. No blame attaches, we understand, to the driver, who
+    sounded his gong three times.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70"
+       id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span>
+
+    <h3>TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the
+        fighting on the Somme. At the close a statement is thrown
+        upon the screen to the effect that the Germans have
+        "reached the appointed goal."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>On footer fields two goals are situated,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">One, as a rule, at either end:</p>
+
+            <p>This for attack (in front) is indicated,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And this (to rearward) you defend;</p>
+
+            <p>In your remark projected on the screen</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You don't say which you mean.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>If you refer to ours in that ambiguous</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And filmy phrase, why then you lie;</p>
+
+            <p>And if to yours&mdash;we hope to be contiguous</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To our objective by-and-by,</p>
+
+            <p>But for the present, though the end is sure,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your statement's premature.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In fact&mdash;to follow up the sporting image</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In which you "reach the appointed
+            goal"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>With many a loose and many a tight-packed
+            scrimmage</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Forward and back the fight will roll,</p>
+
+            <p>Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(This represents the Rhine).</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And wish the call of Time were blown,</p>
+
+            <p>To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Gratuitously on his own,</p>
+
+            <p>You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a
+            straw)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To make the thing a draw.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at
+            last,</p>
+
+            <p>Not having checked those breaches with his
+            whistle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He wants to blow the final blast;</p>
+
+            <p>Time will be called, I fancy, when the score</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Suits us, and not before.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER:
+    On the Telephone</i>).</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are
+    you there, I say?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> All right, all right. Who's talking?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the
+    KAISER.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Is that you, WILLIE?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> I say, the most awful thing has happened.
+    The Allies have sent me an Ultimatum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> A what?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> An Ultimatum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> I say, old man, you really must speak
+    louder and more plainly. I can't hear a word you say.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did
+    you hear that time?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Yes, most of it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Well.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> What do you think about it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Not very much. Lots of other people have
+    had ultimatums and haven't been one pfennig the worse for
+    them.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Oh, but this is the very last thing in
+    ultimatums. It's a regular ultimatissimum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> What do they want you to do?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> All sorts of disagreeable things. For
+    instance, I am to move my troops to the Peloponnese, so as to
+    get them out of harm's way.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well, move them. What are troops for
+    except to be moved about? You can always move them back again,
+    you know. I keep on moving troops forward and backward all the
+    time. It's a mere nothing when you once get accustomed to it.
+    Just you try it and see. Anything more?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Yes; I'm to release from prison the
+    followers of the pestilential VENIZELOS.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> That's unpleasant, of course, for a
+    patent Greek War-Lord; but I should do it if I were you, and
+    then you can let me know how it feels.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Look here, William, I don't know what's the
+    matter with you, but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny.
+    You seem to think the whole affair's a sort of German joke. So
+    it is, by Zeus&mdash;that's to say it's no joke at all.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Manners, TINO, manners.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> I'm sick and tired of all this talk.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> If you go on like that I shall not talk
+    to you any more.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Don't say that; I could not bear such a
+    loss. But, seriously, are you going to help as you
+    promised?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> I cannot help you now. You must play for
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> I've exhausted all the possibilities of
+    playing for time. It wouldn't be the least good. They really
+    mean it this time, and they've given me a strictly limited
+    period for compliance.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Well, I suppose you know best, but I
+    should have thought you could have spun out negotiations for a
+    hit&mdash;given them a little promise here and a little promise
+    there on the chance of something turning up.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> The long and the short of it is that you
+    promised to help us, but it was only a little promise here or
+    there, and you don't mean to keep it. I shall accept the
+    ultimatum.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> The what? The telephone's buzzing
+    again.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> The ULTIMATUM!!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Kaiser.</i> Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means
+    accept it. And, by the way, I'm publishing a volume of my
+    War-speeches, and will make a point of sending you an early
+    copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The King.</i> Gr-r-r.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Our Helpful Government.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
+        ADVICE."&mdash;<i>Daily Express.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>Journalistic Modesty.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the <i>Daily
+        Gazette</i> already exceeds that of last year's Christmas
+        Number by more than 50 per cent. The sell is still going on
+        actively."&mdash;<i>Daily Gazette (Karachi).</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Yes, I think we have it at last&mdash;I mean the
+        stranglehold round the enemy's neck. I seem to hear the
+        death rattle in his guttural throat."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Pictorial.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you
+        might have fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London,
+        for the types of well-turned-out men out-Englished the
+        English, from top hat to varnished boot."&mdash;<i>American
+        Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71"
+       id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/71a.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/71a.png"
+             alt="Chancellor Bethmann-Hollweg, offended." /></a>
+
+        <h3>UNMADE IN GERMANY.</h3>
+
+        <p>BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE
+        VIOLATION OF BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED.
+        SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."</p>
+
+        <p>[The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German
+        pamphlet which ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and
+        says that "nobody need be surprised at the rumour which is
+        going through Germany that he has been bought by
+        England."]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72"
+       id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/72a.png"><img width="670"
+             src="images/72a.png"
+             alt="Sergeant bringing his men to attention." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>after bringing his men to attention,
+        to knock-kneed recruit</i>). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4.
+        ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO
+        MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE WATCH DOGS.</h3>
+
+    <h4>LV.</h4>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,&mdash;Notwithstanding the reckless speed of
+    the leave train and the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company
+    on the leave boat, our gallant warriors continue to volunteer
+    in thousands for that desperate enterprise known as "Proceeding
+    on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain artfulness in
+    the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.</p>
+
+    <p>In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon
+    extending by any means short of the criminal the duration of
+    the leave. When Robert first went on leave he was young and
+    innocent. He had four days given him; he left his unit on the
+    first of them and was back with it on the last of them. The
+    second time he improved on this and left France very early on
+    the morning of his first day and arrived in France again very
+    late on the last night of it. Then his friend John regarded
+    <i>his</i> leave as beginning and ending in England, which, if
+    the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at midnight, is not
+    a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave was for
+    seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His
+    explanation was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on
+    military authorities; after that, leave got fixed at ten days
+    net, ten days of the inelastic sort.</p>
+
+    <p>Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell
+    and he is no man if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover,
+    how is one to fill in the dismal vacuum subsequent on the
+    return from one leave otherwise than by the discussion of
+    subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The
+    duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only
+    remained to improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John
+    ferreted about and became aware of the existence of a civilian
+    train to the port and of a Staff boat to the other port. He
+    worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin de Fer,
+    and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very
+    regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff
+    boat. He was able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on
+    the return journey, and had therefore every reason to be proud
+    of his efforts. Nevertheless he firmly decided to say nothing
+    about it to anybody lest the idea should get overworked. But he
+    told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of other
+    people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and
+    is now (<i>vide</i> General Routine Orders, <i>passim</i>)
+    unworkable.</p>
+
+    <p>There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next
+    time. There are other ways of getting to ports than by train.
+    Why hold aloof from Motor Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be
+    above making a personal friend or two among them? And if Orders
+    limit the use of cars to officers of very senior rank, why be
+    too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to
+    the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and
+    if you want the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use
+    arguing about it. You sulk unostentatiously in the background
+    until both boats are full, and then you state a piteous case of
+    urgent family affairs to the right officer, to find yourself
+    eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in their
+    special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he
+    wangled it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months'
+    time, he decided to tell no one about it, not even John. But he
+    did tell John as soon as he saw him, and John told the world.
+    Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got written, published, and
+    very carefully brought to the attention of all ranks.</p>
+
+    <p>The earth having become full of free booklets containing
+    watertight rules and regulations for keeping officers to the
+    straight and narrow path to the
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73"
+       id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> U.K., and the roads,
+       railways, quays and gangways being policed with stalwarts
+       whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into
+       the sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the
+       Officer in Charge. I am told, at first hand, that there is
+       as much variety in the reasons urged in support of
+       applications as there is in the manner of the applicants.
+       They attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future
+       in England, to shame him with gruesome pictures of their
+       recent past in France, to hustle him with emergencies or
+       special duties, or to bully him with dark references to
+       unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself,
+       who was highly suspicious even of me, until he understood
+       that I only wanted one thing in the world, and that was
+       someone interesting to talk to while I waited for the leave
+       boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low
+       cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to
+       guess, he had proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as
+       he said, this might suggest some hardness of heart on his
+       part, but I readily agreed, was even the first to state,
+       that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to
+       assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned
+       holiday. But he just couldn't do it. I put it for him that
+       he was but the powerless and insignificant agent of an
+       authority greater than himself.</p>
+
+    <p>To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe
+    answer. True, he had his duty to perform, and right well he
+    performed it, we agreed. But he had also his powers, his
+    responsibilities&mdash;might we say, his scope? Yet, I
+    gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of
+    himself and his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for
+    example. I suggested (very cautiously) that it would require a
+    very much greater authority than himself to give relief to an
+    ordinary person like myself, with no stronger reason to travel
+    by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future and
+    domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing
+    to that; I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I
+    knew quite well that he would help me if he could. We were
+    unanimous as to the kindness of his heart. It was because I
+    quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask him or think
+    of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for
+    England&mdash;but not by the leave boat.</p>
+
+    <p>Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor
+    more able to be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the
+    brethren. I bragged; and now I'm told there is a printed order
+    posted outside that M.L.O.'s office, making it a crime
+    punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave to
+    converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the
+    M.L.O.</p>
+
+    <p>The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon
+    this subject, is the application of a very earnest young
+    lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would always obey all rules and
+    regulations, both in letter and spirit, with scrupulous regard.
+    His application is worth setting out in full:&mdash;"I have the
+    honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married
+    from January 9th to January 18th inclusive."</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours ever,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
+     HENRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/73a.png"><img width="655"
+             src="images/73a.png"
+             alt="A flooded trench." /></a><br />
+             "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."<br />
+         "DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74"
+       id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+
+    <h3>THREE AUGUSTS.</h3>
+
+    <h4>A WAR-TIME DRAMA.</h4>
+
+    <h4>ACT I.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August,
+        1914.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>There is a door</i> R., <i>leading into the hall. There
+        is also a door</i> L., <i>but it only leads into a cupboard
+        that</i> Mary <i>really needs.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Marmaduke Beltravers, <i>a well-dressed man of thirty-five,
+        is standing by a small table pressing his suit (his
+        matrimonial suit, of course), but without success.
+        His bold black eyes are flashing.</i> Mary's <i>lovely
+        face (by an ingenious manipulation of the
+        limelight) is quivering.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Marmaduke Beltravers</i> (<i>hoarsely</i>). I have laid
+    at your feet my hand, my heart and my flourishing business, and
+    thus&mdash;thus I am supplanted by that puling saint, George
+    Jeffreys. A-ha! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Gnaws his
+    moustache.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Enter</i> George Jeffreys, <i>an English gentleman.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>George Jeffreys</i> (<i>furiously</i>). You here? You
+    hound! You blackguard! You ...</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>realising that this is going to be no place
+    for a lady</i>). The butcher&mdash;know his ring.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit by door</i> R.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>pointing fiercely to cupboard</i>). Go!</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>going</i>). Bah! You triumph now, but my day
+    will dawn yettah. (<i>Starts.</i>) What was that?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Newsboy</i> (<i>outside</i>). War with Germany! War with
+    Germany!</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> War? Then I am a pauper.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>He does not say how, but
+    presumably he knows best.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>ceasing to go</i>). My day has dawned
+    <i>now</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> How so?</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> Your conscience calls you, does it not, to
+    enlist? (George <i>nods.</i>) I have no conscience. While you
+    fight I shall continue to press my suit.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>despairingly to himself</i>). Alas! what
+    chance will that sweet girl have against his dark saturnine
+    beauty and his wealth? (<i>Aloud, hopefully, as a thought
+    strikes him</i>) But stay&mdash;war with Germany&mdash;perhaps
+    you are a pauper also?</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Twirls his moustache.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>losing his temper</i>). Cur!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit, to enlist, into
+    cupboard. Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain
+    falls.</i></p>
+
+    <h4>ACT II.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Hyde Park, August, 1915.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>A dozen energetic supers, by being extremely glad to see
+        one another very many times, are creating the illusion of a
+        gay and fashionable throng. Enter</i> Marmaduke Beltravers
+        <i>with</i> Mary. <i>She is distraite.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>in full hearing of fashionable throng</i>).
+    Darling, I have waited patiently for you. Say that you will
+    marry me now.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary.</i> Marmaduke, you are rich, you are beautiful and
+    you are kind to me in your rather wicked way. But, alas! I
+    cannot forget the noble figure of George&mdash;my
+    George.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>She sobs.</i></p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <i>Enter</i> George Jeffreys, <i>in the uniform of a
+        private.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> Mary!</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>intervening jauntily</i>). Well, my man?</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>his vocabulary strengthened by Army
+    life</i>). You dash blank blighter! You ruddy plague-spot!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>gazing at him with horror</i>). Oh, George,
+    those&mdash;clothes&mdash;don't&mdash;fit!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Sobs heartbrokenly.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>striking while the iron is hot</i>). Mary,
+    you shall choose between us, here and now.</p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>yearningly</i>). Mary, with you to cheer me
+    on I will win the V.C. I swear it. My beloved, come with me;
+    there will be a separation allowance.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>shuddering</i>). Not in those trousers.
+    I&mdash;can't. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>She swoons
+    in</i> Marmaduke's <i>arms.</i> George <i>raises his fist to
+    strike</i> Marmaduke. <i>Enter</i> Sergeant Tompkins.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergt. T.</i> 'Ere, none o' that. Private Jeffreys,
+    'SHUN! Right&mdash;TURN! About&mdash;TURN! Left&mdash;TURN!
+    Quick&mdash;MARCH! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit</i>
+    George <i>to win V.C.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+
+    <h4>ACT III.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Marmaduke's <i>Mansion in Park Lane, August, 1916.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>Enter</i> Mary Beltravers (<i>n&eacute;e</i> Gray),
+        <i>unhappy.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mary.</i> My little dog&mdash;my only friend&mdash;I
+    cannot find him. (<i>She rummages absently among the papers on
+    her husband's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a document, reads
+    it through and clutches at her throat.</i>) My husband&mdash;a
+    German ser-py! (<i>She turns savagely on</i> Marmaduke, <i>who
+    has just entered.</i>) So this&mdash;this is the source of our
+    wealth! Your munitions arm our enemies. You play the German
+    game.</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>simply</i>). I do. I have a birth
+    qualification.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary</i> (<i>wildly</i>). But I'll thwart you; I'll
+    denounce you (<i>seizes telephone</i>). You shall rue the day
+    you married a true daughter of England.</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>with sinister significance</i>). Remember,
+    Mary, "to love, honour and OBEY." Put down that instrument.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>With a gesture of despair she
+    lets the receiver fall, thus driving the girl at the exchange
+    nearly frantic. Suddenly the door is thrown open. Enter</i>
+    Captain George Jeffreys <i>with</i> Sergeant-Major Tompkins
+    <i>and squad of soldiers.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> Marmaduke Beltravers, <i>n&eacute;</i> Heinrich
+    Hoggenheimer, the game is up. (Marmaduke <i>dashes to the
+    window. The dozen supers outside raise a howl of execration
+    mingled with cries of "Lynch the spy!</i>") You see, there is
+    no way of escape.</p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>drawing revolver</i>). You shall not long
+    enjoy your triumph. I have but one cartridge, but perchance it
+    will be enough for you. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Pulls
+    trigger, but finds action rather stiff.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> Look out, Mary! These things are rather tricky
+    in inexperienced hands.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[Marmaduke <i>succeeds in pulling
+    trigger. There is a violent explosion and a large hole appears
+    in</i> George's <i>breeches.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>G.J.</i> (<i>calmly to the baffled</i> Marmaduke). Bad
+    luck! That's my cork one. I lost the original when I got this.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Touches V.C. pinned on his
+    breast.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>M.B.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Curse, and curse again!
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Gnawing his moustache he
+    falls in with squad.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergt.-Major T.</i> Prisoner and escort, 'SHUN! Stand
+    at&mdash;EASE. 'SHUN. Move to the right in fours.
+    Form&mdash;FOURS. RIGHT. By the left, quick&mdash;MARCH.
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt, leaving</i> Mary
+    <i>in</i> George's <i>arms. The howls of execration redouble.
+    Then there is a tense silence, broken by the sound of a
+    volley.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>George.</i> Mary, my own! At last!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mary.</i> My hero.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.</h4>
+
+    <p>The enterprise of the London and North-Western Railway
+    officials, in designing a button to obviate delays at the gate
+    caused by the new show-your-season order, has (we understand)
+    spurred other lines to a similar ingenuity. Below are some of
+    the latest novelties in ticket-substitutes.</p>
+
+    <p>THE POM-POM.&mdash;May be worn in any variety of hat. Very
+    suitable for short travellers. A simple inclination of the head
+    permits verification by the inspector. Made in two
+    shades&mdash;dark green, covering any distance up to
+    twenty-five miles of town, or red (as worn by anarchists and
+    the staff of the L. &amp; S.W.R.), covering a journey up to
+    fifty miles.</p>
+
+    <p>UMBRELLA AND STICK TOPS, unscrewable, faced with
+    plate-glass, permitting the insertion of a ticket, and its easy
+    verification on being thrust under the nose of an official.
+    Special quality <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75"
+       id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> fitted with small electric
+       bulb for evening wear.</p>
+
+    <p>For those who desire a really striking and chic novelty,
+    that up-to-date line, the Great Eccentric, is reported to have
+    engaged a staff of expert tattoo artists, who will puncture the
+    date and designation of the pass upon the left cheek of the
+    holder. Being not only elegant in design but practically
+    irremovable, these markings will form a permanent and
+    increasingly interesting memento of the Great War. Price
+    according to distance and lettering.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/75a.png"><img width="643"
+             src="images/75a.png"
+             alt="Real problems at the Front" /></a>
+
+        <h3>REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>First C.O.</i> "<i>I</i> TELL YOU WHAT. FIND ME A MAN
+        WHO CAN COOK CUTLETS DECENTLY, AND YOU SHALL HAVE OUR
+        SECOND-BEST PIERROT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Tactless.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "THANKSGIVING SERVICE on Sunday, February 18th, Canon
+        &mdash;&mdash;'s last day as Vicar of
+        &mdash;&mdash;."&mdash;<i>Midland Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>Another Glimpse of the Obvious.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "There is very general agreement in banking circles in the
+        City as to the satisfactory character of the response which
+        has already been made to the new War Loan, but good though
+        it has been, the total must still be small compared with
+        the need, and must fall infinitely short of the figure
+        aimed at, which, of course, is unlimited."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE SMILE OF VICTORY.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [According to Reuter's Washington Correspondent, women
+        suffragists have of late regularly picketed the White
+        House. When President WILSON appears "they deploy so that
+        he cannot fail to see their banners. The President smiles
+        broadly and passes on."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical
+            speeches</p>
+
+            <p>And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches,</p>
+
+            <p>Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its
+            portals&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries
+            off</p>
+
+            <p>To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;</p>
+
+            <p>And, while studying closely his putts, to
+            explore</p>
+
+            <p>The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To cope with emergency once in a way</p>
+
+            <p>Is nothing to facing it every day;</p>
+
+            <p>And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is
+            seen,</p>
+
+            <p>He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O happy idealist! Others may weep</p>
+
+            <p>At the crimes and the horrors that murder their
+            sleep;</p>
+
+            <p>You've two perfect specifics your cares to
+            beguile&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb
+        when he could live at Bournemouth?'"&mdash;<i>Morning
+        Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it
+        had not come Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised
+        goat is fate would have been miserable beyond swallowed by
+        the boat-constrictor, so Great Britain would have been
+        absorbed by Germany."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift
+    of the paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a
+    new kind of submarine?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76"
+       id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/76a.png"><img width="671"
+             src="images/76a.png"
+             alt="Our land-workers." /></a>
+
+        <h3>OUR LAND-WORKERS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>discussing a turn for the village Red
+        Cross Concert</i>). "WHAT ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS
+        GIRLS?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ethel.</i> "YES&mdash;BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR
+        IT?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE INFANTRYMAN.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in
+            luxury,</p>
+
+            <p>The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,</p>
+
+            <p>The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long
+            way back,</p>
+
+            <p>In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little
+            shack;</p>
+
+            <p>Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his
+            job, say I)</p>
+
+            <p>Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him
+            from on high,</p>
+
+            <p>But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever
+            the War began</p>
+
+            <p>Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the
+            infantryman.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The guns can pound the villages and smash the
+            trenches in,</p>
+
+            <p>And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s
+            begin,</p>
+
+            <p>And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a
+            parapet,</p>
+
+            <p>But the real work is the work that's done with bomb
+            and bayonet.</p>
+
+            <p>Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub
+            and kit,</p>
+
+            <p>He's always there where the fighting is&mdash;he's
+            there unless he's hit;</p>
+
+            <p>Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the
+            living can;</p>
+
+            <p>He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the
+            British infantryman!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in
+            the clinging mire&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Steady in front, go steady! Close up there! Mind the
+            wire!</p>
+
+            <p>Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of
+            the ditch, jump clear!</p>
+
+            <p>Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck
+            when the shells come near!</p>
+
+            <p>Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy
+            trench,</p>
+
+            <p>With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain
+            and the sodden khaki's stench!</p>
+
+            <p>Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you
+            can&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>This is the work that wins the War, the work of the
+            infantryman.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Where is the Censor?</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A woman has been fined &pound;10 for chipping lyddite out
+        of a shell which had been over-filled by means of a
+        screwdriver."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform
+    the enemy in this way of our methods of filling shells.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77"
+       id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/77a.png"><img width="400"
+             src="images/77a.png"
+             alt="Peace without Victory." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A DEAD FROST.</h3>PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE
+        DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78"
+       id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/78a.png"><img width="673"
+             src="images/78a.png"
+             alt="I say, someone's stolen my car!" /></a>
+
+        <p>"I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"</p>
+
+        <p>"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"</p>
+
+        <p>"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF
+        PETROL IN THE BACK."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Adjutant to O.C. A Company.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please
+    expedite.</p>
+
+    <p>(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last
+    Sunday? Isn't it positively the outside edge?)</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Mrs. and Adjutant.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant.</i></p>
+
+    <p>I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday,
+    as otherwise I shall not be able to attend the sales, and my
+    Sam Browne is quite the dowdiest in tho whole battalion.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">JOAN DARLING,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Second-Lieut.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for
+    bottle, scent, one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has
+    not been supplied with bottle since joining this unit I take it
+    that such will be a free issue.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">EMMA PIPP,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Lieut.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>O.C. A Company to Quartermaster.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Please note fact that the boots, khaki su&egrave;de uppers,
+    pair, one, issued yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not
+    supplied with regulation Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are
+    therefore herewith returned.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">BOADICEA BLUNT.</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Capt. O.C. A Coy.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From O.C. B Company to O.C. D
+    Company.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O.
+    Jones, B Company, attached D Company, for your attention and
+    necessary action, please.</p>
+
+    <p>(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged,
+    and she has asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be
+    bridesmaids! Not that <i>I</i> wanted to take it on. But think
+    of poor dear O.C. C! <i>Won't</i> she look too-too?)</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">MILDRED NORTON,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;"><i>Capt. O.C. B Coy.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O.
+    Marshall.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of
+    Survey, which assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st
+    for the purpose of inquiring into the circumstances whereby
+    box, powder, face, one, on charge of this unit, became used up
+    suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for the necessary
+    witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to
+    the Adjutant in triplicate.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Our Military Experts.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly
+        and with luck, would involve a threat to the French left
+        and to the communications with Italy."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall
+        Gazette.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of
+    Holland would in very much the same way threaten the British
+    right and our communications with Scotland.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering
+        parrots is advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent
+        announcements from the battlefields of Europe that
+        'brayless' mules have been perfected for trench and other
+        battle-front labours by a simple operation on the nostrils
+        and the nerves affecting the vocal cords."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Why not speechless Presidents?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79"
+       id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span>
+
+    <h3>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(SECOND SERIES.)</h4>
+
+    <p class="center">XVI.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">MARYLEBONE.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Mary Lebone</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She gets no meat,</p>
+
+            <p>She never has anything</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nice to eat;</p>
+
+            <p>A supper fit</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For a dog alone</p>
+
+            <p>Is all the fare</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of poor Mary Lebone.</p>
+
+            <p>She squats by the corner</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Baker Street</p>
+
+            <p>And snuffs the air</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So spicy and sweet</p>
+
+            <p>When the Bakers are baking</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their puddings and pies,</p>
+
+            <p>Their buns and their biscuits</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Banburies&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>A tart for Jocelyn</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A cake for Joan,</p>
+
+            <p>And nothing at all</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For poor Mary Lebone!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">XVII.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">SCOTLAND YARD.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"How long's the Yard in Scotland?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tell me that now, Mother."</p>
+
+            <p>"Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Just like any other."</p>
+
+            <p>"O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"No more than thirty-seven."</p>
+
+            <p>"Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will never get to heaven."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/79.png"><img width="435"
+             src="images/79.png"
+             alt="I hear they're thinking of electrifying this part of the line." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Passenger.</i> "I HEAR THEY'RE THINKING OF
+        ELECTRIFYING THIS PART OF THE LINE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Porter.</i> "AY; THEY'RE ALLUS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME.
+        THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING <i>US</i> NEXT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>EDWARD.</h3>
+
+    <p>Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a
+    free-and-easy way with him. His free-and-easy way shows itself
+    chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and waving his hand to all
+    those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is talkative at
+    times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is
+    limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several
+    words, or says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I
+    have&mdash;or a less rigid regard for the truth.</p>
+
+    <p>You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To
+    be exact, it is thirteen months since he first saw the light in
+    this troubled world. Not that the world is a troubled one to
+    Edward; on the contrary.</p>
+
+    <p>Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the
+    sea-front of his native town. His free-and-easy way has secured
+    him a large circle of acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen
+    stop and speak to him, which he likes, so long as they do not
+    pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent among elderly
+    gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises,
+    though in their hearts they are probably comparing him
+    unfavourably with their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a
+    cheery life.</p>
+
+    <p>Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little
+    man&mdash;so little, indeed, that most people would have called
+    him a dwarf. He was walking in the same direction as Edward,
+    and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand and smiled and
+    waved again.</p>
+
+    <p>For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at
+    length he felt obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate,
+    who propels the perambulator, "Seems friendly like;" to which
+    Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to everyone."</p>
+
+    <p>Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled
+    by that remark. For myself I may say that, though Edward always
+    smiles when we meet, I do not greatly value it because I know
+    he smiles in the same way upon everyone else.</p>
+
+    <p>But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with
+    "everyone," to be placed by Edward on an equality with the
+    strong and graceful, sent a warm glow to his heart.</p>
+
+    <p>So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the
+    boy-scouts, done one good deed that day.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The system of women and girls acting as field labourers,
+        ploughing and shepherding, etc., in itself produces a rough
+        state of society."&mdash;<i>Country Life.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the
+    following:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's College,
+        6."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Splendid! These colleges think of everything.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80"
+       id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>
+
+    <h3>OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.</h3>
+
+    <p>So much good has notoriously been done during the great
+    conflict by letters to the Press that Mr. Punch, recognising
+    the importance of having this branch of War-work taught to the
+    young, has engaged a gentleman of ample leisure and few
+    responsibilities, who hides behind the <i>nom de guerre</i>
+    "Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of instructive lectures on
+    the subject. By the time the student has absorbed a complete
+    course he will he qualified to write to the papers on any
+    topic, and, to adopt every tone from the pleading and querulous
+    to the indignant and hectoring. From this can follow nothing
+    less than the complete rout of the Germans.</p>
+
+    <h4>SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.</h4>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>I.&mdash;A World in Darkness.</i></p>
+
+    <p>The world before newspapers&mdash;Unbearable
+    thought&mdash;No Street and no Man in it&mdash;Unfortunate
+    position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL,
+    C&AElig;SAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military
+    experts&mdash;Their fatal ignorance of public
+    opinion&mdash;Serious handicaps in the past&mdash;LEONIDAS
+    never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip&mdash;ALCIBIADES never
+    stimulated by attacks in Athens journals&mdash;No brainy
+    onlooker at defeat of Armada.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>II.&mdash;The Growth of the Press.</i></p>
+
+    <p>The birth of a happier era&mdash;The first English
+    newspaper&mdash;Rapid development of the new arm&mdash;A nation
+    made articulate&mdash;Unfortunate quietistic tendencies:
+    ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON&mdash;Foreshadowings of the real
+    thing&mdash;Arrival of the real thing&mdash;The Fourth
+    Estate&mdash;The Tenth Muse&mdash;The Editor as
+    Dictator&mdash;The Millennium.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>III.&mdash;The Vigilant
+    Correspondent.</i></p>
+
+    <p>The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth&mdash;Importance of
+    attending to other people's affairs&mdash;True citizenship the
+    improvement of one's neighbours&mdash;Neglect of one's own
+    character a national virtue&mdash;Brief sketch of Paul
+    Pry&mdash;Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty&mdash;Keepers of the
+    public conscience&mdash;Human alarm-clocks&mdash;Samples of
+    reforms delayed by absence of letters to the Press&mdash;The
+    circulation of the blood&mdash;The law of gravity&mdash;The
+    movement of the solar system&mdash;Value of iteration and
+    undauntability.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>IV.&mdash;Range of Subject.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Every stick useful in beating dogs&mdash;Nothing too trivial
+    to yoke with such words as "scandal" and
+    "outrage"&mdash;Suspicion and mistrust the letter-writer's
+    life-blood&mdash;Necessity for believing everyone in office
+    negligent or corrupt&mdash;Reasons why it is better to write to
+    the papers than to the individual&mdash;The sacredness of
+    publicity&mdash;Importance also of victim seeing the
+    indictment&mdash;Value of <i>Who's Who?</i>&mdash;Postal rates
+    for newspapers.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>V.&mdash;Signatures.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Real names and pseudonyms&mdash;Cases where real names are
+    best&mdash;Cases where pseudonyms are best&mdash;Danger of
+    giving both name and address&mdash;The Knobkerry&mdash;The
+    Dog-Whip&mdash;The Art of Self-Defence&mdash;The Law
+    Directory&mdash;Choice of pseudonyms&mdash;Latin <i>v.</i>
+    English&mdash;An Advantage of "One Who Knows" over "Audi
+    Alteram Partem"&mdash;"Scrutator" better than "Spectator ab
+    extra"&mdash;"One who is doing his bit" better than
+    "Junius"&mdash;Reasons for "War-Winner" being the best at
+    present moment.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>VI.&mdash;Model Letter with
+    Remarks.</i></p>
+
+    <p>At the present moment no type of letter is more effective
+    than the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;Could anything be more deplorable than the
+    spectacle, which every hour of the day and night affords, of
+    young and vigorous men made up to look like grandfathers. I am
+    told that the theatrical costumiers and perruquiers are worn to
+    a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible shirkers have
+    subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful
+    influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a
+    courageous investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of
+    London, were to snatch at the bald scalps so much in evidence
+    there, he would in nine cases out of ten find that they came
+    away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the youthful and
+    fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I
+    shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and
+    vigilant and their net so tightly drawn that no one can get
+    through; but we all know what bunglers the English authorities
+    are, whether at the War Office or elsewhere. It is only in
+    newspaper offices that true efficiency can be found. I enclose
+    my card and am,</p>
+
+    <p class="center"
+       style="margin-top:-1em;">Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"
+       style="margin-top:-1.5em;">"WAR-WINNER."</p>
+
+    <p>Analysis of above&mdash;Reasons for thinking it
+    perfect&mdash;Importance of compliment to
+    editors&mdash;Estimate of its probable result.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/80.png"><img width="350"
+             src="images/80.png"
+             alt="To the Wedding Cake License Office." /></a>
+
+        <p>THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Extremes.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers)
+        and commanded that famous regiment in the Boer
+        War."&mdash;<i>Evening Telegraph</i> (<i>Dundee</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Sergeant &mdash;&mdash;, who is 2 years of age, is
+        married, and has two children."&mdash;<i>Same Paper, same
+        date.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was
+        bitten by a made bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last
+        evening by the Talaimannar train for treatment."
+        &mdash;<i>Ceylon Independent.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a shoemaker's advertisement:</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."&mdash;<i>High River Times</i>
+        (<i>Alberta, Canada</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written
+        to me I have the honour to reply that they are all
+        blackguards."&mdash;<i>Advt. in Ceylon Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in
+    full sympathy with the writer.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81"
+       id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/81a.png"><img width="653"
+             src="images/81a.png"
+             alt="Oh! Do wear your khaki tie, Dad!" /></a><br />
+             "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW
+             YOU'RE A SOLDIER."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        (<i>Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on
+        eccentric place names.</i>)
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now that the rise in railway fares</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(At which no patriot cavils)</p>
+
+            <p>Has chained us elders to our chairs</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And circumscribed our travels,</p>
+
+            <p>I love to play the festive game</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of astral gravitation</p>
+
+            <p>To any neighbourhood whose name</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is fraught with fascination.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I've never sampled in the flesh</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The varied charms of Bootle,</p>
+
+            <p>But mentally I find them fresh</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And redolent of footle;</p>
+
+            <p>And, though my steps to that resort</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I never up till now bent,</p>
+
+            <p>Imagination can transport</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My spirit into Chowbent.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Always alert upon the track</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of rich and strange emotion,</p>
+
+            <p>To Pudsey and to Wibsey Slack</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I pay my fond devotion;</p>
+
+            <p>My heart is in the Highlands oft,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though age its glow enfeebles,</p>
+
+            <p>And soars triumphantly aloft</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At the mere sound of Peebles.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The nightingale in leafy June,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I own, divinely warbles,</p>
+
+            <p>But equal magic fills the tune-</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">ful name of Scotia's Gorbals;</p>
+
+            <p>And if you ever should desire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A subject to wax funny on,</p>
+
+            <p>What theme more fitly can inspire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Muse than Ballybunnion?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Some places on my astral rounds</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'm strong upon tabooing,</p>
+
+            <p>On anti-alcoholic grounds</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Grogport and Rum eschewing;</p>
+
+            <p>But no such painful stigma robs</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Proud Potto of its lustre,</p>
+
+            <p>Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and Stobs,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A memorable cluster.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The pictures rising in my brain</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are strange; sometimes I muddle 'em,</p>
+
+            <p>Confounding Pleck with Plodder Lane,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Titley with Tillietudlem;</p>
+
+            <p>In short, it's not a game of skill,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Else I should scarce essay at;</p>
+
+            <p>But it is harmless, costs me <i>nil</i>;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And nobody need play it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The plan is simple; choose a spot,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then focus with decision</p>
+
+            <p>Your thoughts upon it till you've got</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A clear-cut mental vision;</p>
+
+            <p>And though from fact it widely errs,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Remember in conclusion</p>
+
+            <p>Only the man of prose prefers</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Eyewitness to illusion.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>From the Back of the Front.</h4>
+
+    <p>Extract from a soldier's letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "DEAR MOTHER,&mdash;I am thoroughly run down, and have
+        grown so thin that when I get a pain in my middle I cannot
+        tell whether it is a backache or a stomachache."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each station along the
+        route by rending sacred songs and solos as The Kano Express
+        drew in." &mdash;<i>Lagos Weekly Record.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"That's torn it," said the conductor.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Britons never shall be slaves if they will only remember
+        the solemn warning of the author of the words&mdash;'To
+        thine own self be true, and then thou canst be false to any
+        man.'"&mdash;<i>Letter in Scotch Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>One recognises the note of liberty, but we fear the writer
+    must have got hold of a German edition of "Unser
+    Shakspeare."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82"
+       id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>
+
+    <h3>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h3>
+
+    <p>As Jim and me lies in hospital gettin' better from our
+    wounds we talks over what we've been through in this War.</p>
+
+    <p>There was the time when we was billeted with Mrs. Dawkins,
+    just before we went to the Front, which dwells in our memories.
+    When the billetin' orficer introduced us into her kitchen Mrs.
+    Dawkins went down on the bricks and prayed she might do her
+    duty by the two noble defenders of her country&mdash;she meant
+    me and Jim&mdash;who the Lord had pleased to deliver into her
+    care. Then she begun unlacin' Jim's boots. In a minute Mr.
+    Dawkins come in; he said we was hearty welcome, and was just
+    goin' to shake 'ands with us when Mrs. Dawkins turned on 'im
+    and asked 'im what he meant by standin' there like a gawk and
+    not unlacin' mine. Jim and me was very uncomfortable.</p>
+
+    <p>Then some little Dawkinses come in, Susan, Sammy, Billy and
+    Elfreda, and was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their respecks to
+    us, and do it proper or she'd know the reason why. Sammy
+    saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him unmerciful. Jim and me
+    begun to feel regler low-spirited.</p>
+
+    <p>After that she set out the tea. It was as butiful a tea as
+    we could wish for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste and
+    sardines, and bein' hungry after a long march we cheered up and
+    looked forward to enjoyin' it. As was correck Jim 'anded all
+    the dishes to Mrs. Dawkins first, but she said, "No, thank you,
+    such things are for the defenders of the country, and it is our
+    duty to provide them, but bread-and-dripping is good enough for
+    me and Mr. Dawkins and the children."</p>
+
+    <p>Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda all begun to cry, and their
+    father sat lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery. It clean took
+    away our appetites. She piled our plates with jam and sardines,
+    but we couldn't swaller a mouthful with them poor kids sobbin'
+    all round the table. We was thankful they was put to bed before
+    supper. Mrs. Dawkins fried potaters and sausages and set 'em
+    down in front of me Jim, with a jug of porter, and she and
+    Dawkins and a young man lodger sat at the other end, behind
+    half a Dutch cheese and some water. All the meals was the
+    same.</p>
+
+    <p>There was only three rooms upstairs, and Jim and me couldn't
+    make out how it was we had a bedroom apiece till we come across
+    the lodger sleepin' on the kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle
+    and Sammy in one of the dresser drawers. Then we asked to be
+    allowed to sleep together, with the lodger to one side; but
+    Mrs. Dawkins said, "I thank the Lord we're blessed with two
+    good beds in our house, and as long as I have two defenders of
+    the country in my care I should like to catch anyone belonging
+    to me getting into either of their beds. If we're all getting
+    wore out for want of sleep we can't help ourselves, we're doing
+    our duty."</p>
+
+    <p>Then she asked Jim if he was warm enough nights, and before
+    he'd time to think he'd blurted out he wasn't quite. That
+    evening she come down shiverin' to supper in her petticut, and
+    said what did it matter her catchin' her death of cold if them
+    she had in her care slept warm and comfortable under her
+    meriner skirt. We felt downright brutes.</p>
+
+    <p>But what hurt us most was the way them kids took against us.
+    Me and Jim is fond of kids, and we wanted to make friends and
+    play with 'em, but it weren't no good. They was always puttin'
+    their tongues out at us when Mrs. Dawkins' back was turned and
+    talkin' loud to one another: "I say, Sammy, I 'ates soldiers,
+    don't you? Soldiers is greedy; poor little children don't have
+    nothink where soldiers is. Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says
+    his 'ome is a 'ell since the soldiers come. 'Ere they are
+    walkin' down the street. Quick, Billy! Mother ain't lookin';
+    turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."</p>
+
+    <p>To make up for her kindness to us Jim and me tried to do
+    little odd jobs about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but somehow
+    it all turned to wormwood. We slipped out early one Sunday
+    morning and begun siftin' the cinders in the backyard, but she
+    caught sight of us and 'ollered so at Dawkins she woke up all
+    the neighbours: "How can you lay there snorin', you great lazy
+    good-for-nothing, and look on while the defenders of your
+    country is wearin' themselves out 'siftin' your cinders?"</p>
+
+    <p>Dawkins tumbled off the mangle, thinkin' it was a fire, and
+    he swore terrible at me and Jim.</p>
+
+    <p>The young man lodger took against us too. When his washin'
+    was on the line we couldn't help noticin' he was very bad off
+    for underclothes, and Jim and me, havin' more shirts and socks
+    that kind ladies had give us than we knowed how' to wear, we
+    took the liberty of wrappin' three of each in paper with a
+    label, "Hopin' no offence," and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse
+    where he was in the habit of doin' his hair. We was pleased to
+    notice next day he had got one of the shirts on. Of course we
+    made no remark; no more did he. But at supper-time Mrs. Dawkins
+    caught sight of his cuffs. She took the poor feller by the
+    collar and we was afraid she would have shook the life out of
+    him.</p>
+
+    <p>"You thievin' rascal!" she said. "To think I should 'arbour
+    in my house a man as ain't ashamed to rob the defenders of his
+    country of the shirts off their backs!" Then she begun callin'
+    for the police.</p>
+
+    <p>Jim and me tried to explain, but it weren't no use. The
+    first chance he had the young man lodger got out through the
+    door. He come back in half a minute with his feet bare and his
+    weskit all anyhow. The shirts and socks was under his arm.</p>
+
+    <p>"Damn you and yer clothes!" he said, and flung 'em at me and
+    Jim. It were very disheartenin'.</p>
+
+    <p>When it come to leavin' we felt we ought to show our
+    gratitude for the treatment we had received by makin' Mrs.
+    Dawkins a little present. Bein' of an uncommon disposition it
+    were difficult to choose what would please her. I were in
+    favour of a pink shawl; but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin'
+    anybody any more clothes. In the end we chose a pair of
+    earrings.</p>
+
+    <p>Directly we give 'em to her we saw we'd done wrong. She
+    turned on Dawkins like a hyener. "'Ave I done my duty and
+    starved us all to death and given them two the best in the
+    house and slept cold every night to be paid in gewgaws?" she
+    said. "Didn't I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it agen? and
+    are you a man or a cur that you stand there expectin' me to put
+    them things into my ears instead of behind the fire?" In
+    another minute the earrings was melted. It were some
+    consolation to me and Jim that she didn't refuse to shake 'ands
+    with us when we come away; but Dawkins did, and so did the
+    young man lodger, and all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We
+    never have been able to make out who were to blame. We thinks
+    sometimes it were Mrs. Dawkins.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>How it strikes the Hyphenated.</h4>
+
+    <p>An extract from <i>Los Angeles Germania</i>, which describes
+    itself as "An American newspaper printed in the German and
+    American languages":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "At last the mask is removed from the hypocritical face of
+        England. The cloven hoof of British insolence has struck
+        square into the face of Uncle Sam."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Holders of the old War Loan who are not yet converted to
+    conversion may be led to a decision by the discovery that
+    "BONAR LAW" spells "War Loan 'B.'"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses' Home where nurses do not
+        sleep." &mdash;<i>Women's Employment.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Applicants should beware, as insomnia is very catching.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83"
+       id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/83a.png"><img width="669"
+             src="images/83a.png"
+             alt="Bayonet Practice" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sergeant.</i> "KEEP YER POINT UP LIKE YER DOIN' NOW,
+        CAN'T YER? YOU WON'T NEVER GET YER MAN IF YER DON'T KEEP
+        YER POINT UP. HAVE YER NEVER DONE NO BAYONET PRACTICE
+        BEFORE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Private</i> (<i>just out of hospital, very
+        bored</i>). "I'VE DONE THIS 'ERE TO THE BLOOMIN' BOSCHES, I
+        'AVE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Sergeant.</i> "OH. YOU 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? NO WONDER THE
+        WAR'S LASTED TWO AND A 'ALF YEARS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE
+    wrote, some years ago, about a pack of schoolmasters who got so
+    monstrously upon one another's nerves that the result was
+    attempted murder? I have just been reading a new story that may
+    be regarded as the female counterpart of the same tragedy.
+    <i>Regiment of Women</i> (HEINEMANN) is described as a first
+    novel; and there are indeed signs of this in a certain
+    verbosity and diffuseness of attack. But it is at least equally
+    clear that the writer, CLEMENCE DANE, has the root of the
+    matter in her. As in the book with which I have compared it,
+    the setting of this is scholastic&mdash;a girls' school here,
+    with all its restricted outlook, its small intrigues, and
+    exaggerated friendships, mercilessly exposed. You will be
+    willing to admit that it is at least aptly named when I tell
+    you that not till page 135 does so much as the shadow of a man
+    appear, and then but fleetingly as the father of the poor
+    child, <i>Louise</i>, the tragedy of whose death is the central
+    incident of the book. Naturally it can be nothing else than a
+    painful story; in particular the figure of <i>Clare</i>, the
+    adored teacher, whose cruel egoistical friendship, with its
+    alternations of encouragement and brutality, first drives
+    <i>Louise</i> to suicide, and all but wrecks the life of the
+    young assistant-mistress, <i>Alwynne</i>, has in it something
+    coldly sinister that haunts the memory. But of its power there
+    can be no question. On one small point of psychology I am at
+    issue with the writer. I doubt whether the child <i>Louise</i>
+    could have played <i>Arthur</i> in the school theatricals so
+    marvellously as we are asked to believe without cheering
+    herself, by such an artistic success, out of the temptation to
+    suicide. But the ways of morbidity are unsearchable, and this
+    is no more than an expression of individual opinion. It is not
+    meant to qualify my admiration for the skill of this remarkable
+    and arresting story.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>If the long postponement of the appearance of another
+    novel&mdash;<i>Vesprie Towers</i> (SMITH, ELDER)&mdash;by the
+    late Mr. THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am careful not to say
+    it does) that the author never intended it to see the light of
+    day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have been
+    wisdom in that decision, for the story of <i>Violet
+    Vesprie</i>, though touched with a certain charm and
+    distinction, sadly lacks the imaginative intensity of
+    <i>Aylwin</i>. The plot is commonplace, being the familiar
+    record of how the country seat of a once illustrious family
+    nearly, but of course not quite, passed into the hands of
+    strangers when the last of the race came to poverty. Even the
+    inevitable flight to London is not spared us or the heroine,
+    and it is really only when the writer tires of his attempted
+    conventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The
+    return of <i>Violet</i> to her old home, for instance, is most
+    fortunate in its failure to follow the rules, that attractive
+    young lady being quite content to be whisked back in the
+    turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the place she
+    loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle has
+    been wrought; while we, reader and author alike, equally in the
+    dark, are too happy to have her home to worry about it either,
+    preferring to wander with her through the dear old rooms and
+    let explanations go hang. Anyhow, perhaps
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84"
+       id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> one can forgive a certain
+       amount of looseness in a story that holds such pleasant
+       things as a family rainbow, an "osier ait" and a sailor-poet
+       worshipping from afar. And indeed, though far from
+       brilliant, the book is really rather lovable.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In <i>The Leatherwood God</i> (JENKINS) Mr. W.D. HOWELLS has
+    written a powerful and very interesting study of an unusual
+    theme. Religious mania, and those queer manifestations of it
+    that hover uncertainly between fraud and hysteria, have always
+    provided a subject of attraction for the curious. Mr. HOWELLS
+    sets his romance in the early days of the last century, at the
+    backwoods settlement of <i>Leatherwood</i>, where the community
+    of the faithful are perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a
+    stranger, one <i>Dylks</i>, who claims divine origin and the
+    power to work miracles. Actually, this <i>Dylks</i> was about
+    as bad a hat as any made. He had deserted his legal wife,
+    <i>Nancy</i>, and allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry
+    a <i>de facto</i> husband whom she adored. So you will see that
+    the turning up again of Number One, unrecognised and surrounded
+    by the trappings of god-head and the adoration of the Elect,
+    creates for <i>Nancy</i> a very pretty and absorbing problem in
+    social ethics. But Mr. HOWELLS has done more than this. Having
+    shown <i>Dylks</i> as the arch-villain and impostor that he is,
+    he proceeds to the subtler task of enlisting our sympathy for
+    him. It is this that gives the story its higher quality. The
+    horror of the poor wretch's position, driven on by his own
+    words, almost, in time, coming himself to a kind of belief in
+    them, haunted always by the increasing demands of his dupes, is
+    most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end we hear
+    of his death (by suicide or accident) with an emotion of relief
+    and pity that is a real tribute to his creator. <i>The
+    Leatherwood God</i> is not a long story, but for concentrated
+    power it deserves to be classed amongst the outstanding work of
+    the season.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter&mdash;of
+    course in a strictly literary sense. It must at this moment
+    have required some courage to make your hero an agent of the
+    British Secret Service. And having done this she certainly
+    shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the situation so
+    created. In the interest of his profession, and for no reward
+    save the service of his country, <i>Marcus Janover</i> is
+    called upon to sacrifice love, friendship, even his personal
+    honour. Just how all this comes about I leave you to discover
+    by <i>The Light above the Cross Roads</i> (DUCKWORTH). It is a
+    powerful and highly original story that has the distinction of
+    breaking entirely new ground in war-novels. The scenes of it,
+    laid partly in Ireland, partly in Berlin, or behind the German
+    lines, are themselves guarantees of the unusual. One slight
+    criticism that I have to make rises from the question whether
+    so expert an "agent" as <i>Marcus</i> would really employ
+    blot-producing ink for his map tracery when, on his own
+    confession, he might have used pencil. But if the blots had not
+    been there the Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning
+    of <i>Marcus's</i> presence amongst them) would never have
+    arrested <i>Ursule</i>, and thus provided a dramatic and
+    unhackneyed situation. There is a gravity and distinction,
+    moreover, about the tale that somehow reminds me of the late
+    Monsignor BENSON. It is undoubtedly a story that should be
+    read.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I am rather puzzled what to say about the <i>The Grey
+    Shepherd</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), because it is essentially
+    a story that will appeal very differently to readers of
+    different temperaments. Some people will say, "How beautiful!"
+    Others perhaps, "How precious!" and both with a certain truth.
+    For my own part, I should select a middle course, and say that
+    Mrs. J.E. BUCKROSE has had a wholly admirable idea for a short
+    story, which she has done her best to spoil by enlarging it to
+    book dimensions, and a little over-sweetening it. There is real
+    delicacy and beauty in her theme. The youth forced by partial
+    blindness to give up all the hopes for which he had been
+    educated, who becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his
+    pipe (musical) and the simplicities of country lore for the
+    loss of love and ambition; and eventually, after his death, is
+    deified by rustic tradition into a supernatural helper of "all
+    things that are kind"&mdash;here is an idea for the tenderest
+    handling. My feeling is, while giving Mrs. BUCKROSE every
+    credit for such an inspiration, that she should have been a
+    little sterner with herself over the treatment, and thus
+    avoided a certain stickiness that may irritate those who prefer
+    the simplicity of nature to a not quite sufficiently concealed
+    art. But, as I began by saying, it all depends on the
+    individual palate; and, anyhow, the book has the historic
+    excuse of being a very little one, which you can read, with
+    pleasure or irritation, within the hour.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels in
+    which the hero and heroine dally over-long in falling in love
+    you will get it by reading <i>The Fur-Bringers</i> (HODDER AND
+    STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon preliminaries, not a minute;
+    and as soon as <i>Ambrose Deane</i> and <i>Colina Gaviller</i>
+    have met and discovered at sight that they are just made for
+    each other the really exciting part of the story begins. I
+    forget how many times <i>Ambrose</i> is arrested during the
+    course of the tale, but I do know that things keep on happening
+    all the time, and that the rescue of the hero by the Indian
+    girl <i>Nesis</i> is delightfully told. Altogether Mr. HULBERT
+    FOOTNER'S picture of the life of a trader in Athabasca is
+    particularly attractive. I like it all, including the
+    cover.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/84.png"><img width="379"
+             src="images/84.png"
+             alt="The Douceur." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE DOUCEUR.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a
+        discharged soldier, was sentenced to ten months'
+        imprisonment for bigamy."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A proper verdict this, that for a while</p>
+
+            <p>Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, JANUARY 31, 1917***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 14516-h.txt or 14516-h.zip *******</p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1950 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+January 31, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 31, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2005  [eBook #14516]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 152, JANUARY 31, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14516-h.htm or 14516-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h/14516-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/5/1/14516/14516-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 152
+
+JANUARY 31, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The birth-rate in Berlin, it appears, is considerably lower this year than
+last. We can quite understand this reluctance to being born a German just
+now.
+
+       ***
+
+The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove beyond doubt
+that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans would have won this
+battle.
+
+       ***
+
+The German military authorities have declined to introduce bathless days.
+Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal habits that the Teuton does
+not pursue to a vicious excess.
+
+       ***
+
+Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the Midland Railway
+owing to the publicity given by the FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's
+one-and-ninepenny luncheon basket. Many people are finding it more
+economical to purchase a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the
+train than to go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.
+
+       ***
+
+An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round has been laid by
+a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood that a proposal by the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard should be adopted as the compulsory
+minimum for the duration of the War is meeting with some opposition from
+Mr. PROTHERO.
+
+       ***
+
+"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the _Berliner
+Tageblatt_. We understand that, acting upon this advice, several high
+command officers have volunteered to sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.
+
+       ***
+
+The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from the date of
+their leaving work to those employees who until recently have been held
+under arrest for participation in the Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of
+making them a grant for Kit and Field allowances has not yet come under
+consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take flowers with
+them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral shall be a quiet one.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories for the U.S.
+Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted by a British firm. The
+explanation is of course that the former are primarily designed to enforce
+universal peace.
+
+       ***
+
+A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to assist in
+farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians--a jeweller, a hairdresser and
+a tailor. His complaint is, we understand, that while he wanted his land to
+be well-dressed he didn't want it overdone.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.
+
+CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.]
+
+       ***
+
+A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the announcement that it is
+still open for business, the action of the Court having only deprived it of
+the right to sell intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of
+_Hamlet_ without the familiar spirit.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in a
+recent address. Germany, we are happy to state, is war-weary and will soon
+be Maximilian-Hardened.
+
+       ***
+
+The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has been settled
+once for all. "The War has provided many incidents for this revue," says a
+stage paper of a new production.
+
+       ***
+
+A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in East Essex.
+The general idea is not new, though it is more usual to plant a rose-garden
+round your pig-sty, as a corrective.
+
+       ***
+
+It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official prohibition of
+"fishing, washing and bathing" in the St. James's Park pond is superfluous,
+as the pond was dried up two years ago. In view of the exceptional severity
+of the weather the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by
+another merely prohibiting skating.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider proposals for
+the reform of the British Consular service. The suggestion, however, that
+not more than seventy-five per cent. of our Consular representatives should
+be natives of Germany and the countries of her Allies seems a little too
+drastic.
+
+       ***
+
+"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a really ideal
+soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the Inns of Court O.T.C. On
+the other hand we still have a number of distinguished soldiers who before
+the War attached paramount importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.
+
+       ***
+
+The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the view of
+mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened streets. It is pointed out
+that the use of luminous language has already proved of extreme value in
+critical situations.
+
+       ***
+
+"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley Tribunal to an
+employer who was said to have an indoor staff of thirteen servants. As a
+beginning he proposes to take a reef in the butler.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will adversely affect
+the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says a manager, "require chocolate
+in the cinema." It is feared that they will have to go back to the
+old-fashioned plan of chewing the corner of the programme.
+
+       ***
+
+At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's shop. No blame
+attaches, we understand, to the driver, who sounded his gong three times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.
+
+    [The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the
+    Somme. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the effect
+    that the Germans have "reached the appointed goal."]
+
+  On footer fields two goals are situated,
+    One, as a rule, at either end:
+  This for attack (in front) is indicated,
+    And this (to rearward) you defend;
+  In your remark projected on the screen
+    You don't say which you mean.
+
+  If you refer to ours in that ambiguous
+    And filmy phrase, why then you lie;
+  And if to yours--we hope to be contiguous
+    To our objective by-and-by,
+  But for the present, though the end is sure,
+    Your statement's premature.
+
+  In fact--to follow up the sporting image
+    In which you "reach the appointed goal"--
+  With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage
+    Forward and back the fight will roll,
+  Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line
+    (This represents the Rhine).
+
+  Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,
+    And wish the call of Time were blown,
+  To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring
+    Gratuitously on his own,
+  You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)
+    To make the thing a draw.
+
+  Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll
+    Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at last,
+  Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,
+    He wants to blow the final blast;
+  Time will be called, I fancy, when the score
+    Suits us, and not before.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+    (_The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: On the Telephone_).
+
+_The King._ HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are you there, I say?
+
+_The Kaiser._ All right, all right. Who's talking?
+
+_The King._ KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the KAISER.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.
+
+_The King._ Is that you, WILLIE?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much time.
+
+_The King._ I say, the most awful thing has happened. The Allies have sent
+me an Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ A what?
+
+_The King._ An Ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more
+plainly. I can't hear a word you say.
+
+_The King._ The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did you hear that time?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Yes, most of it.
+
+_The King._ Well.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well.
+
+_The King._ What do you think about it?
+
+_The Kaiser._ Not very much. Lots of other people have had ultimatums and
+haven't been one pfennig the worse for them.
+
+_The King._ Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums. It's a
+regular ultimatissimum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ What do they want you to do?
+
+_The King._ All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance, I am to move my
+troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get them out of harm's way.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, move them. What are troops for except to be moved
+about? You can always move them back again, you know. I keep on moving
+troops forward and backward all the time. It's a mere nothing when you once
+get accustomed to it. Just you try it and see. Anything more?
+
+_The King._ Yes; I'm to release from prison the followers of the
+pestilential VENIZELOS.
+
+_The Kaiser._ That's unpleasant, of course, for a patent Greek War-Lord;
+but I should do it if I were you, and then you can let me know how it
+feels.
+
+_The King._ Look here, William, I don't know what's the matter with you,
+but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny. You seem to think the whole
+affair's a sort of German joke. So it is, by Zeus--that's to say it's no
+joke at all.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Manners, TINO, manners.
+
+_The King._ I'm sick and tired of all this talk.
+
+_The Kaiser._ If you go on like that I shall not talk to you any more.
+
+_The King._ Don't say that; I could not bear such a loss. But, seriously,
+are you going to help as you promised?
+
+_The Kaiser._ I cannot help you now. You must play for time.
+
+_The King._ I've exhausted all the possibilities of playing for time. It
+wouldn't be the least good. They really mean it this time, and they've
+given me a strictly limited period for compliance.
+
+_The Kaiser._ Well, I suppose you know best, but I should have thought you
+could have spun out negotiations for a hit--given them a little promise
+here and a little promise there on the chance of something turning up.
+
+_The King._ The long and the short of it is that you promised to help us,
+but it was only a little promise here or there, and you don't mean to keep
+it. I shall accept the ultimatum.
+
+_The Kaiser._ The what? The telephone's buzzing again.
+
+_The King._ The ULTIMATUM!!
+
+_The Kaiser._ Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means accept it. And, by the
+way, I'm publishing a volume of my War-speeches, and will make a point of
+sending you an early copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.
+
+_The King._ Gr-r-r.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL GOVERNMENT.
+
+    "Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
+    ADVICE."--_Daily Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC MODESTY.
+
+    "The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the _Daily Gazette_
+    already exceeds that of last year's Christmas Number by more than 50
+    per cent. The sell is still going on actively."--_Daily Gazette
+    (Karachi)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yes, I think we have it at last--I mean the stranglehold round the
+    enemy's neck. I seem to hear the death rattle in his guttural
+    throat."--_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you might have
+    fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London, for the types of
+    well-turned-out men out-Englished the English, from top hat to
+    varnished boot."--_American Paper._
+
+That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNMADE IN GERMANY.
+
+BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE VIOLATION OF
+BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED. SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."
+
+(The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German pamphlet which
+ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and says that "nobody need be
+surprised at the rumour which is going through Germany that he has been
+bought by England.")]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_after bringing his men to attention, to
+knock-kneed recruit_). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON
+THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LV.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Notwithstanding the reckless speed of the leave train and
+the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company on the leave boat, our gallant
+warriors continue to volunteer in thousands for that desperate enterprise
+known as "Proceeding on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain
+artfulness in the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.
+
+In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon extending by any
+means short of the criminal the duration of the leave. When Robert first
+went on leave he was young and innocent. He had four days given him; he
+left his unit on the first of them and was back with it on the last of
+them. The second time he improved on this and left France very early on the
+morning of his first day and arrived in France again very late on the last
+night of it. Then his friend John regarded _his_ leave as beginning and
+ending in England, which, if the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at
+midnight, is not a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave
+was for seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His explanation
+was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on military authorities;
+after that, leave got fixed at ten days net, ten days of the inelastic
+sort.
+
+Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell and he is no man
+if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover, how is one to fill in the
+dismal vacuum subsequent on the return from one leave otherwise than by the
+discussion of subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The
+duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only remained to
+improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John ferreted about and became
+aware of the existence of a civilian train to the port and of a Staff boat
+to the other port. He worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin
+de Fer, and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very
+regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff boat. He was
+able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on the return journey, and
+had therefore every reason to be proud of his efforts. Nevertheless he
+firmly decided to say nothing about it to anybody lest the idea should get
+overworked. But he told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of
+other people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and is
+now (_vide_ General Routine Orders, _passim_) unworkable.
+
+There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next time. There are
+other ways of getting to ports than by train. Why hold aloof from Motor
+Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be above making a personal friend or two
+among them? And if Orders limit the use of cars to officers of very senior
+rank, why be too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to
+the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and if you want
+the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use arguing about it. You
+sulk unostentatiously in the background until both boats are full, and then
+you state a piteous case of urgent family affairs to the right officer, to
+find yourself eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in
+their special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he wangled
+it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months' time, he decided to
+tell no one about it, not even John. But he did tell John as soon as he saw
+him, and John told the world. Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got
+written, published, and very carefully brought to the attention of all
+ranks.
+
+The earth having become full of free booklets containing watertight rules
+and regulations for keeping officers to the straight and narrow path to the
+U.K., and the roads, railways, quays and gangways being policed with
+stalwarts whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into the
+sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the Officer in Charge. I am
+told, at first hand, that there is as much variety in the reasons urged in
+support of applications as there is in the manner of the applicants. They
+attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future in England, to shame
+him with gruesome pictures of their recent past in France, to hustle him
+with emergencies or special duties, or to bully him with dark references to
+unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself, who was highly
+suspicious even of me, until he understood that I only wanted one thing in
+the world, and that was someone interesting to talk to while I waited for
+the leave boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low
+cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to guess, he had
+proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as he said, this might suggest
+some hardness of heart on his part, but I readily agreed, was even the
+first to state, that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to
+assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned holiday. But he
+just couldn't do it. I put it for him that he was but the powerless and
+insignificant agent of an authority greater than himself.
+
+To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe answer. True, he had
+his duty to perform, and right well he performed it, we agreed. But he had
+also his powers, his responsibilities--might we say, his scope? Yet, I
+gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of himself and
+his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for example. I suggested
+(very cautiously) that it would require a very much greater authority than
+himself to give relief to an ordinary person like myself, with no stronger
+reason to travel by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future
+and domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing to that;
+I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I knew quite well that he
+would help me if he could. We were unanimous as to the kindness of his
+heart. It was because I quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask
+him or think of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for
+England--but not by the leave boat.
+
+Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor more able to
+be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the brethren. I bragged; and
+now I'm told there is a printed order posted outside that M.L.O.'s office,
+making it a crime punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave
+to converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the M.L.O.
+
+The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon this subject,
+is the application of a very earnest young lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would
+always obey all rules and regulations, both in letter and spirit, with
+scrupulous regard. His application is worth setting out in full:--"I have
+the honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married from
+January 9th to January 18th inclusive."
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."
+
+"DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE AUGUSTS.
+
+A WAR-TIME DRAMA.
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August, 1914._
+
+    _There is a door_ R., _leading into the hall. There is also a door_ L.,
+    _but it only leads into a cupboard that_ Mary _really needs._
+
+    Marmaduke Beltravers, _a well-dressed man of thirty-five, is standing
+    by a small table pressing his suit_ (_his matrimonial suit, of
+    course_), _but without success. His bold black eyes are flashing._
+    Mary's _lovely face (_by an ingenious manipulation of the limelight_)
+    is quivering._
+
+_Marmaduke Beltravers_ (_hoarsely_). I have laid at your feet my hand, my
+heart and my flourishing business, and thus--thus I am supplanted by that
+puling saint, George Jeffreys. A-ha!      [_Gnaws his moustache._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _an English gentleman._
+
+_George Jeffreys_ (_furiously_). You here? You hound! You blackguard! You
+...
+
+_Mary_ (_realising that this is going to be no place for a lady_). The
+butcher--know his ring.      [_Exit by door_ R.
+
+_G.J._ (_pointing fiercely to cupboard_). Go!
+
+_M.B._ (_going_). Bah! You triumph now, but my day will dawn yettah.
+(_Starts._) What was that?
+
+_Newsboy_ (_outside_). War with Germany! War with Germany!
+
+_G.J._ War? Then I am a pauper.      [_He does not say how, but presumably
+he knows best._
+
+_M.B._ (_ceasing to go_). My day has dawned _now_.
+
+_G.J._ How so?
+
+_M.B._ Your conscience calls you, does it not, to enlist? (George _nods._)
+I have no conscience. While you fight I shall continue to press my suit.
+
+_G.J._ (_despairingly to himself_). Alas! what chance will that sweet girl
+have against his dark saturnine beauty and his wealth? (_Aloud, hopefully,
+as a thought strikes him_) But stay--war with Germany--perhaps you are a
+pauper also?
+
+_M.B._ Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha!      [_Twirls his
+moustache._
+
+_G.J._ (_losing his temper_). Cur!      [_Exit, to enlist, into cupboard.
+Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain falls._
+
+ACT II.
+
+    _Hyde Park, August, 1915._
+
+    _A dozen energetic supers, by being extremely glad to see one another
+    very many times, are creating the illusion of a gay and fashionable
+    throng. Enter_ Marmaduke Beltravers _with_ Mary. _She is distraite._
+
+_M.B._ (_in full hearing of fashionable throng_). Darling, I have waited
+patiently for you. Say that you will marry me now.
+
+_Mary._ Marmaduke, you are rich, you are beautiful and you are kind to me
+in your rather wicked way. But, alas! I cannot forget the noble figure of
+George--my George.     [_She sobs._
+
+    _Enter_ George Jeffreys, _in the uniform of a private._
+
+_G.J._ Mary!
+
+_M.B._ (_intervening jauntily_). Well, my man?
+
+_G.J._ (_his vocabulary strengthened by Army life_). You dash blank
+blighter! You ruddy plague-spot!
+
+_Mary_ (_gazing at him with horror_). Oh, George,
+those--clothes--don't--fit!      [_Sobs heartbrokenly._
+
+_M.B._ (_striking while the iron is hot_). Mary, you shall choose between
+us, here and now.
+
+_G.J._ (_yearningly_). Mary, with you to cheer me on I will win the V.C. I
+swear it. My beloved, come with me; there will be a separation allowance.
+
+_Mary_ (_shuddering_). Not in those trousers. I--can't.      [_She swoons
+in_ Marmaduke's _arms._ George _raises his fist to strike_ Marmaduke.
+_Enter_ Sergeant Tompkins.
+
+_Sergt. T._ 'Ere, none o' that. Private Jeffreys, 'SHUN! Right--TURN!
+About--TURN! Left--TURN! Quick--MARCH!      [_Exit_ George _to win V.C._
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+ACT III.
+
+    Marmaduke's _Mansion in Park Lane, August, 1916._
+
+    [_Enter_ Mary Beltravers (_nee_ Gray), _unhappy._
+
+_Mary._ My little dog--my only friend--I cannot find him. (_She rummages
+absently among the papers on her husband's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a
+document, reads it through and clutches at her throat._) My husband--a
+German ser-py! (_She turns savagely on_ Marmaduke, _who has just entered._)
+So this--this is the source of our wealth! Your munitions arm our enemies.
+You play the German game.
+
+_M.B._ (_simply_). I do. I have a birth qualification.
+
+_Mary_ (_wildly_). But I'll thwart you; I'll denounce you (_seizes
+telephone_). You shall rue the day you married a true daughter of England.
+
+_M.B._ (_with sinister significance_). Remember, Mary, "to love, honour and
+OBEY." Put down that instrument.      [_With a gesture of despair she lets
+the receiver fall, thus driving the girl at the exchange nearly frantic.
+Suddenly the door is thrown open. Enter_ Captain George Jeffreys _with_
+Sergeant-Major Tompkins _and squad of soldiers._
+
+_G.J._ Marmaduke Beltravers, _ne_ Heinrich Hoggenheimer, the game is up.
+(Marmaduke _dashes to the window. The dozen supers outside raise a howl of
+execration mingled with cries of "Lynch the spy!_") You see, there is no
+way of escape.
+
+_M.B._ (_drawing revolver_). You shall not long enjoy your triumph. I have
+but one cartridge, but perchance it will be enough for you.      [_Pulls
+trigger, but finds action rather stiff._
+
+_G.J._ Look out, Mary! These things are rather tricky in inexperienced
+hands.      [Marmaduke _succeeds in pulling trigger. There is a violent
+explosion and a large hole appears in_ George's _breeches._
+
+_G.J._ (_calmly to the baffled_ Marmaduke). Bad luck! That's my cork one. I
+lost the original when I got this.      [_Touches V.C. pinned on his
+breast._
+
+_M.B._ (_annoyed_). Curse, and curse again!      [_Gnawing his moustache he
+falls in with squad._
+
+_Sergt.-Major T._ Prisoner and escort, 'SHUN! Stand at--EASE. 'SHUN. Move
+to the right in fours. Form--FOURS. RIGHT. By the left, quick--MARCH.
+[_Exeunt, leaving_ Mary _in_ George's _arms. The howls of execration
+redouble. Then there is a tense silence, broken by the sound of a volley._
+
+_George._ Mary, my own! At last!
+
+_Mary._ My hero.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.
+
+The enterprise of the London and North-Western Railway officials, in
+designing a button to obviate delays at the gate caused by the new
+show-your-season order, has (we understand) spurred other lines to a
+similar ingenuity. Below are some of the latest novelties in
+ticket-substitutes.
+
+THE POM-POM.--May be worn in any variety of hat. Very suitable for short
+travellers. A simple inclination of the head permits verification by the
+inspector. Made in two shades--dark green, covering any distance up to
+twenty-five miles of town, or red (as worn by anarchists and the staff of
+the L. & S.W.R.), covering a journey up to fifty miles.
+
+UMBRELLA AND STICK TOPS, unscrewable, faced with plate-glass, permitting
+the insertion of a ticket, and its easy verification on being thrust under
+the nose of an official. Special quality fitted with small electric bulb
+for evening wear.
+
+For those who desire a really striking and chic novelty, that up-to-date
+line, the Great Eccentric, is reported to have engaged a staff of expert
+tattoo artists, who will puncture the date and designation of the pass upon
+the left cheek of the holder. Being not only elegant in design but
+practically irremovable, these markings will form a permanent and
+increasingly interesting memento of the Great War. Price according to
+distance and lettering.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.
+
+_First C.O._ "_I_ TELL YOU WHAT. FIND ME A MAN WHO CAN COOK CUTLETS
+DECENTLY, AND YOU SHALL HAVE OUR SECOND-BEST PIERROT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACTLESS.
+
+    "THANKSGIVING SERVICE on Sunday, February 18th, Canon ----'s last day
+    as Vicar of ----."--_Midland Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE OBVIOUS.
+
+    "There is very general agreement in banking circles in the City as to
+    the satisfactory character of the response which has already been made
+    to the new War Loan, but good though it has been, the total must still
+    be small compared with the need, and must fall infinitely short of the
+    figure aimed at, which, of course, is unlimited."--_Sunday Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SMILE OF VICTORY.
+
+    [According to Reuter's Washington Correspondent, women suffragists have
+    of late regularly picketed the White House. When President WILSON
+    appears "they deploy so that he cannot fail to see their banners. The
+    President smiles broadly and passes on."]
+
+  Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical speeches
+  And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches,
+  Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its portals--
+  Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.
+
+  He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries off
+  To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;
+  And, while studying closely his putts, to explore
+  The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.
+
+  To cope with emergency once in a way
+  Is nothing to facing it every day;
+  And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is seen,
+  He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.
+
+  O happy idealist! Others may weep
+  At the crimes and the horrors that murder their sleep;
+  You've two perfect specifics your cares to beguile--
+  An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb when he
+    could live at Bournemouth?'"--_Morning Paper._
+
+The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it had not come
+    Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised goat is fate would have
+    been miserable beyond swallowed by the boat-constrictor, so Great
+    Britain would have been absorbed by Germany."--_Evening Paper._
+
+With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift of the
+paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a new kind of
+submarine?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR LAND-WORKERS.
+
+_Mabel_ (_discussing a turn for the village Red Cross Concert_). "WHAT
+ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS GIRLS?"
+
+_Ethel._ "YES--BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INFANTRYMAN.
+
+  The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury,
+  The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,
+  The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back,
+  In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack;
+  Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job, say I)
+  Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on high,
+  But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began
+  Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman.
+
+  The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in,
+  And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s begin,
+  And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet,
+  But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet.
+  Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit,
+  He's always there where the fighting is--he's there unless he's hit;
+  Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can;
+  He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantryman!
+
+  Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging mire--
+  Steady in front, go steady! Close up there!  Mind the wire!
+  Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of the ditch, jump
+      clear!
+  Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck when the shells come
+      near!
+  Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench,
+  With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden
+      khaki's stench!
+  Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can--
+  This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE IS THE CENSOR?
+
+    "A woman has been fined L10 for chipping lyddite out of a shell which
+    had been over-filled by means of a screwdriver."--_Evening Paper._
+
+We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform the enemy in this
+way of our methods of filling shells.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DEAD FROST.
+
+PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"
+
+"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF PETROL IN THE BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.
+
+_From Adjutant to O.C. A Company._
+
+Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please expedite.
+
+(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last Sunday? Isn't it
+positively the outside edge?)
+
+  ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,
+      _Mrs. and Adjutant._
+
+
+_Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant._
+
+I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday, as otherwise I
+shall not be able to attend the sales, and my Sam Browne is quite the
+dowdiest in tho whole battalion.
+
+  JOAN DARLING,
+      _Second-Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster._
+
+Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for bottle, scent,
+one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has not been supplied with bottle
+since joining this unit I take it that such will be a free issue.
+
+  EMMA PIPP,
+      _Lieut._
+
+
+_O.C. A Company to Quartermaster._
+
+Please note fact that the boots, khaki suede uppers, pair, one, issued
+yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not supplied with regulation
+Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are therefore herewith returned.
+
+  BOADICEA BLUNT.
+      _Capt. O.C. A Coy._
+
+
+_From O.C. B Company to O.C. D Company._
+
+Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O. Jones, B
+Company, attached D Company, for your attention and necessary action,
+please.
+
+(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged, and she has
+asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be bridesmaids! Not that _I_
+wanted to take it on. But think of poor dear O.C. C! _Won't_ she look
+too-too?)
+
+  MILDRED NORTON,
+      _Capt. O.C. B Coy._
+
+
+_From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O. Marshall._
+
+Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of Survey, which
+assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st for the purpose of
+inquiring into the circumstances whereby box, powder, face, one, on charge
+of this unit, became used up suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for
+the necessary witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to
+the Adjutant in triplicate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR MILITARY EXPERTS.
+
+    "The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly and with luck,
+    would involve a threat to the French left and to the communications
+    with Italy."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of Holland would in
+very much the same way threaten the British right and our communications
+with Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering parrots is
+    advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent announcements from the
+    battlefields of Europe that 'brayless' mules have been perfected for
+    trench and other battle-front labours by a simple operation on the
+    nostrils and the nerves affecting the vocal cords."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Why not speechless Presidents?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XVI.
+
+MARYLEBONE.
+
+  Mary Lebone
+    She gets no meat,
+  She never has anything
+    Nice to eat;
+  A supper fit
+    For a dog alone
+  Is all the fare
+    Of poor Mary Lebone.
+  She squats by the corner
+    Of Baker Street
+  And snuffs the air
+    So spicy and sweet
+  When the Bakers are baking
+    Their puddings and pies,
+  Their buns and their biscuits
+    And Banburies--
+  A tart for Jocelyn
+    A cake for Joan,
+  And nothing at all
+    For poor Mary Lebone!
+
+XVII.
+
+SCOTLAND YARD.
+
+  "How long's the Yard in Scotland?
+    Tell me that now, Mother."
+  "Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,
+    Just like any other."
+  "O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?"
+    "No more than thirty-seven."
+  "Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid
+    Will never get to heaven."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Passenger._ "I HEAR THEY'RE THINKING OF ELECTRIFYING THIS
+PART OF THE LINE."
+
+_Porter._ "AY; THEY'RE ALLUS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME. THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING
+_US_ NEXT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWARD.
+
+Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a free-and-easy way with him.
+His free-and-easy way shows itself chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and
+waving his hand to all those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is
+talkative at times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is
+limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several words, or
+says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I have--or a less rigid
+regard for the truth.
+
+You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To be exact, it is
+thirteen months since he first saw the light in this troubled world. Not
+that the world is a troubled one to Edward; on the contrary.
+
+Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the sea-front of his
+native town. His free-and-easy way has secured him a large circle of
+acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen stop and speak to him, which he
+likes, so long as they do not pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent
+among elderly gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises,
+though in their hearts they are probably comparing him unfavourably with
+their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a cheery life.
+
+Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little man--so little,
+indeed, that most people would have called him a dwarf. He was walking in
+the same direction as Edward, and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand
+and smiled and waved again.
+
+For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at length he felt
+obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate, who propels the perambulator,
+"Seems friendly like;" to which Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to
+everyone."
+
+Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled by that remark.
+For myself I may say that, though Edward always smiles when we meet, I do
+not greatly value it because I know he smiles in the same way upon everyone
+else.
+
+But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with "everyone," to be
+placed by Edward on an equality with the strong and graceful, sent a warm
+glow to his heart.
+
+So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the boy-scouts, done one
+good deed that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The system of women and girls acting as field labourers, ploughing and
+    shepherding, etc., in itself produces a rough state of
+    society."--_Country Life._
+
+However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the following:--
+
+    "ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.
+
+    "Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's College, 6."--_The Times._
+
+Splendid! These colleges think of everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.
+
+So much good has notoriously been done during the great conflict by letters
+to the Press that Mr. Punch, recognising the importance of having this
+branch of War-work taught to the young, has engaged a gentleman of ample
+leisure and few responsibilities, who hides behind the _nom de guerre_
+"Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of instructive lectures on the
+subject. By the time the student has absorbed a complete course he will he
+qualified to write to the papers on any topic, and, to adopt every tone
+from the pleading and querulous to the indignant and hectoring. From this
+can follow nothing less than the complete rout of the Germans.
+
+SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.
+
+_I.--A World in Darkness._
+
+The world before newspapers--Unbearable thought--No Street and no Man in
+it--Unfortunate position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL,
+CAESAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military experts--Their
+fatal ignorance of public opinion--Serious handicaps in the past--LEONIDAS
+never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip--ALCIBIADES never stimulated by attacks
+in Athens journals--No brainy onlooker at defeat of Armada.
+
+_II.--The Growth of the Press._
+
+The birth of a happier era--The first English newspaper--Rapid development
+of the new arm--A nation made articulate--Unfortunate quietistic
+tendencies: ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON--Foreshadowings of the real
+thing--Arrival of the real thing--The Fourth Estate--The Tenth Muse--The
+Editor as Dictator--The Millennium.
+
+_III.--The Vigilant Correspondent._
+
+The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth--Importance of attending to other
+people's affairs--True citizenship the improvement of one's
+neighbours--Neglect of one's own character a national virtue--Brief sketch
+of Paul Pry--Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty--Keepers of the public
+conscience--Human alarm-clocks--Samples of reforms delayed by absence of
+letters to the Press--The circulation of the blood--The law of gravity--The
+movement of the solar system--Value of iteration and undauntability.
+
+_IV.--Range of Subject._
+
+Every stick useful in beating dogs--Nothing too trivial to yoke with such
+words as "scandal" and "outrage"--Suspicion and mistrust the
+letter-writer's life-blood--Necessity for believing everyone in office
+negligent or corrupt--Reasons why it is better to write to the papers than
+to the individual--The sacredness of publicity--Importance also of victim
+seeing the indictment--Value of _Who's Who?_--Postal rates for newspapers.
+
+_V.--Signatures._
+
+Real names and pseudonyms--Cases where real names are best--Cases where
+pseudonyms are best--Danger of giving both name and address--The
+Knobkerry--The Dog-Whip--The Art of Self-Defence--The Law Directory--Choice
+of pseudonyms--Latin _v._ English--An Advantage of "One Who Knows" over
+"Audi Alteram Partem"--"Scrutator" better than "Spectator ab extra"--"One
+who is doing his bit" better than "Junius"--Reasons for "War-Winner" being
+the best at present moment.
+
+_VI.--Model Letter with Remarks._
+
+At the present moment no type of letter is more effective than the
+following:--
+
+SIR,--Could anything be more deplorable than the spectacle, which every
+hour of the day and night affords, of young and vigorous men made up to
+look like grandfathers. I am told that the theatrical costumiers and
+perruquiers are worn to a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible
+shirkers have subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful
+influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a courageous
+investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of London, were to snatch
+at the bald scalps so much in evidence there, he would in nine cases out of
+ten find that they came away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the
+youthful and fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I
+shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and vigilant and
+their net so tightly drawn that no one can get through; but we all know
+what bunglers the English authorities are, whether at the War Office or
+elsewhere. It is only in newspaper offices that true efficiency can be
+found. I enclose my card and am,
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+      "WAR-WINNER."
+
+Analysis of above--Reasons for thinking it perfect--Importance of
+compliment to editors--Estimate of its probable result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extremes.
+
+    "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers) and
+    commanded that famous regiment in the Boer War."--_Evening
+    Telegraph_ (_Dundee_).
+
+    "Sergeant ----, who is 2 years of age, is married, and has two
+    children."--_Same Paper, same date._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was bitten by a made
+    bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last evening by the Talaimannar train
+    for treatment."--_Ceylon Independent._
+
+But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a shoemaker's advertisement:
+
+    "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."--_High River Times_ (_Alberta,
+    Canada_).
+
+The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written to me I have
+    the honour to reply that they are all blackguards."--_Advt. in
+    Ceylon Paper._
+
+Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in full sympathy
+with the writer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW
+YOU'RE A SOLDIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.
+
+    (_Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on eccentric place
+    names._)
+
+  Now that the rise in railway fares
+    (At which no patriot cavils)
+  Has chained us elders to our chairs
+    And circumscribed our travels,
+  I love to play the festive game
+    Of astral gravitation
+  To any neighbourhood whose name
+    Is fraught with fascination.
+
+  I've never sampled in the flesh
+    The varied charms of Bootle,
+  But mentally I find them fresh
+    And redolent of footle;
+  And, though my steps to that resort
+    I never up till now bent,
+  Imagination can transport
+    My spirit into Chowbent.
+
+  Always alert upon the track
+    Of rich and strange emotion,
+  To Pudsey and to Wibsey Slack
+    I pay my fond devotion;
+  My heart is in the Highlands oft,
+    Though age its glow enfeebles,
+  And soars triumphantly aloft
+    At the mere sound of Peebles.
+
+  The nightingale in leafy June,
+    I own, divinely warbles,
+  But equal magic fills the tune-
+    ful name of Scotia's Gorbals;
+  And if you ever should desire
+    A subject to wax funny on,
+  What theme more fitly can inspire
+    The Muse than Ballybunnion?
+
+  Some places on my astral rounds
+    I'm strong upon tabooing,
+  On anti-alcoholic grounds
+    Grogport and Rum eschewing;
+  But no such painful stigma robs
+    Proud Potto of its lustre,
+  Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and Stobs,
+    A memorable cluster.
+
+  The pictures rising in my brain
+    Are strange; sometimes I muddle 'em,
+  Confounding Pleck with Plodder Lane,
+    Titley with Tillietudlem;
+  In short, it's not a game of skill,
+    Else I should scarce essay at;
+  But it is harmless, costs me _nil_;
+    And nobody need play it.
+
+  The plan is simple; choose a spot,
+    Then focus with decision
+  Your thoughts upon it till you've got
+    A clear-cut mental vision;
+  And though from fact it widely errs,
+    Remember in conclusion
+  Only the man of prose prefers
+    Eyewitness to illusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
+
+Extract from a soldier's letter:--
+
+    "DEAR MOTHER,--I am thoroughly run down, and have grown so thin that
+    when I get a pain in my middle I cannot tell whether it is a backache
+    or a stomachache."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each station along the route by
+    rending sacred songs and solos as The Kano Express drew in."--_Lagos
+    Weekly Record._
+
+"That's torn it," said the conductor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Britons never shall be slaves if they will only remember the solemn
+    warning of the author of the words--'To thine own self be true, and
+    then thou canst be false to any man.'"--_Letter in Scotch Paper._
+
+One recognises the note of liberty, but we fear the writer must have got
+hold of a German edition of "Unser Shakspeare."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+As Jim and me lies in hospital gettin' better from our wounds we talks over
+what we've been through in this War.
+
+There was the time when we was billeted with Mrs. Dawkins, just before we
+went to the Front, which dwells in our memories. When the billetin' orficer
+introduced us into her kitchen Mrs. Dawkins went down on the bricks and
+prayed she might do her duty by the two noble defenders of her country--she
+meant me and Jim--who the Lord had pleased to deliver into her care. Then
+she begun unlacin' Jim's boots. In a minute Mr. Dawkins come in; he said we
+was hearty welcome, and was just goin' to shake 'ands with us when Mrs.
+Dawkins turned on 'im and asked 'im what he meant by standin' there like a
+gawk and not unlacin' mine. Jim and me was very uncomfortable.
+
+Then some little Dawkinses come in, Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda, and
+was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their respecks to us, and do it proper or
+she'd know the reason why. Sammy saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him
+unmerciful. Jim and me begun to feel regler low-spirited.
+
+After that she set out the tea. It was as butiful a tea as we could wish
+for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste and sardines, and bein' hungry after
+a long march we cheered up and looked forward to enjoyin' it. As was
+correck Jim 'anded all the dishes to Mrs. Dawkins first, but she said, "No,
+thank you, such things are for the defenders of the country, and it is our
+duty to provide them, but bread-and-dripping is good enough for me and Mr.
+Dawkins and the children."
+
+Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda all begun to cry, and their father sat
+lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery. It clean took away our appetites.
+She piled our plates with jam and sardines, but we couldn't swaller a
+mouthful with them poor kids sobbin' all round the table. We was thankful
+they was put to bed before supper. Mrs. Dawkins fried potaters and sausages
+and set 'em down in front of me Jim, with a jug of porter, and she and
+Dawkins and a young man lodger sat at the other end, behind half a Dutch
+cheese and some water. All the meals was the same.
+
+There was only three rooms upstairs, and Jim and me couldn't make out how
+it was we had a bedroom apiece till we come across the lodger sleepin' on
+the kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle and Sammy in one of the dresser
+drawers. Then we asked to be allowed to sleep together, with the lodger to
+one side; but Mrs. Dawkins said, "I thank the Lord we're blessed with two
+good beds in our house, and as long as I have two defenders of the country
+in my care I should like to catch anyone belonging to me getting into
+either of their beds. If we're all getting wore out for want of sleep we
+can't help ourselves, we're doing our duty."
+
+Then she asked Jim if he was warm enough nights, and before he'd time to
+think he'd blurted out he wasn't quite. That evening she come down
+shiverin' to supper in her petticut, and said what did it matter her
+catchin' her death of cold if them she had in her care slept warm and
+comfortable under her meriner skirt. We felt downright brutes.
+
+But what hurt us most was the way them kids took against us. Me and Jim is
+fond of kids, and we wanted to make friends and play with 'em, but it
+weren't no good. They was always puttin' their tongues out at us when Mrs.
+Dawkins' back was turned and talkin' loud to one another: "I say, Sammy, I
+'ates soldiers, don't you? Soldiers is greedy; poor little children don't
+have nothink where soldiers is. Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says his 'ome
+is a 'ell since the soldiers come. 'Ere they are walkin' down the street.
+Quick, Billy! Mother ain't lookin'; turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."
+
+To make up for her kindness to us Jim and me tried to do little odd jobs
+about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but somehow it all turned to wormwood. We
+slipped out early one Sunday morning and begun siftin' the cinders in the
+backyard, but she caught sight of us and 'ollered so at Dawkins she woke up
+all the neighbours: "How can you lay there snorin', you great lazy
+good-for-nothing, and look on while the defenders of your country is
+wearin' themselves out 'siftin' your cinders?"
+
+Dawkins tumbled off the mangle, thinkin' it was a fire, and he swore
+terrible at me and Jim.
+
+The young man lodger took against us too. When his washin' was on the line
+we couldn't help noticin' he was very bad off for underclothes, and Jim and
+me, havin' more shirts and socks that kind ladies had give us than we
+knowed how' to wear, we took the liberty of wrappin' three of each in paper
+with a label, "Hopin' no offence," and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse
+where he was in the habit of doin' his hair. We was pleased to notice next
+day he had got one of the shirts on. Of course we made no remark; no more
+did he. But at supper-time Mrs. Dawkins caught sight of his cuffs. She took
+the poor feller by the collar and we was afraid she would have shook the
+life out of him.
+
+"You thievin' rascal!" she said. "To think I should 'arbour in my house a
+man as ain't ashamed to rob the defenders of his country of the shirts off
+their backs!" Then she begun callin' for the police.
+
+Jim and me tried to explain, but it weren't no use. The first chance he had
+the young man lodger got out through the door. He come back in half a
+minute with his feet bare and his weskit all anyhow. The shirts and socks
+was under his arm.
+
+"Damn you and yer clothes!" he said, and flung 'em at me and Jim. It were
+very disheartenin'.
+
+When it come to leavin' we felt we ought to show our gratitude for the
+treatment we had received by makin' Mrs. Dawkins a little present. Bein' of
+an uncommon disposition it were difficult to choose what would please her.
+I were in favour of a pink shawl; but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin'
+anybody any more clothes. In the end we chose a pair of earrings.
+
+Directly we give 'em to her we saw we'd done wrong. She turned on Dawkins
+like a hyener. "'Ave I done my duty and starved us all to death and given
+them two the best in the house and slept cold every night to be paid in
+gewgaws?" she said. "Didn't I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it agen? and
+are you a man or a cur that you stand there expectin' me to put them things
+into my ears instead of behind the fire?" In another minute the earrings
+was melted. It were some consolation to me and Jim that she didn't refuse
+to shake 'ands with us when we come away; but Dawkins did, and so did the
+young man lodger, and all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We never have
+been able to make out who were to blame. We thinks sometimes it were Mrs.
+Dawkins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it strikes the Hyphenated.
+
+An extract from _Los Angeles Germania_, which describes itself as "An
+American newspaper printed in the German and American languages":--
+
+    "At last the mask is removed from the hypocritical face of England. The
+    cloven hoof of British insolence has struck square into the face of
+    Uncle Sam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Holders of the old War Loan who are not yet converted to conversion may be
+led to a decision by the discovery that "BONAR LAW" spells "War Loan 'B.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses' Home where nurses do not sleep."--
+     _Women's Employment._
+
+Applicants should beware, as insomnia is very catching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "KEEP YER POINT UP LIKE YER DOIN' NOW, CAN'T
+YER? YOU WON'T NEVER GET YER MAN IF YER DON'T KEEP YER POINT UP. HAVE YER
+NEVER DONE NO BAYONET PRACTICE BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_ (_just out of hospital, very bored_). "I'VE DONE THIS 'ERE TO THE
+BLOOMIN' BOSCHES, I 'AVE."
+
+_Sergeant._ "OH. YOU 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? NO WONDER THE WAR'S LASTED TWO AND A
+'ALF YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE wrote, some
+years ago, about a pack of schoolmasters who got so monstrously upon one
+another's nerves that the result was attempted murder? I have just been
+reading a new story that may be regarded as the female counterpart of the
+same tragedy. _Regiment of Women_ (HEINEMANN) is described as a first
+novel; and there are indeed signs of this in a certain verbosity and
+diffuseness of attack. But it is at least equally clear that the writer,
+CLEMENCE DANE, has the root of the matter in her. As in the book with which
+I have compared it, the setting of this is scholastic--a girls' school
+here, with all its restricted outlook, its small intrigues, and exaggerated
+friendships, mercilessly exposed. You will be willing to admit that it is
+at least aptly named when I tell you that not till page 135 does so much as
+the shadow of a man appear, and then but fleetingly as the father of the
+poor child, _Louise_, the tragedy of whose death is the central incident of
+the book. Naturally it can be nothing else than a painful story; in
+particular the figure of _Clare_, the adored teacher, whose cruel
+egoistical friendship, with its alternations of encouragement and
+brutality, first drives _Louise_ to suicide, and all but wrecks the life of
+the young assistant-mistress, _Alwynne_, has in it something coldly
+sinister that haunts the memory. But of its power there can be no question.
+On one small point of psychology I am at issue with the writer. I doubt
+whether the child _Louise_ could have played _Arthur_ in the school
+theatricals so marvellously as we are asked to believe without cheering
+herself, by such an artistic success, out of the temptation to suicide. But
+the ways of morbidity are unsearchable, and this is no more than an
+expression of individual opinion. It is not meant to qualify my admiration
+for the skill of this remarkable and arresting story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the long postponement of the appearance of another novel--_Vesprie
+Towers_ (SMITH, ELDER)--by the late Mr. THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am
+careful not to say it does) that the author never intended it to see the
+light of day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have been wisdom
+in that decision, for the story of _Violet Vesprie_, though touched with a
+certain charm and distinction, sadly lacks the imaginative intensity of
+_Aylwin_. The plot is commonplace, being the familiar record of how the
+country seat of a once illustrious family nearly, but of course not quite,
+passed into the hands of strangers when the last of the race came to
+poverty. Even the inevitable flight to London is not spared us or the
+heroine, and it is really only when the writer tires of his attempted
+conventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The return of
+_Violet_ to her old home, for instance, is most fortunate in its failure to
+follow the rules, that attractive young lady being quite content to be
+whisked back in the turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the
+place she loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle has been
+wrought; while we, reader and author alike, equally in the dark, are too
+happy to have her home to worry about it either, preferring to wander with
+her through the dear old rooms and let explanations go hang. Anyhow,
+perhaps one can forgive a certain amount of looseness in a story that holds
+such pleasant things as a family rainbow, an "osier ait" and a sailor-poet
+worshipping from afar. And indeed, though far from brilliant, the book is
+really rather lovable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Leatherwood God_ (JENKINS) Mr. W.D. HOWELLS has written a powerful
+and very interesting study of an unusual theme. Religious mania, and those
+queer manifestations of it that hover uncertainly between fraud and
+hysteria, have always provided a subject of attraction for the curious. Mr.
+HOWELLS sets his romance in the early days of the last century, at the
+backwoods settlement of _Leatherwood_, where the community of the faithful
+are perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a stranger, one _Dylks_, who
+claims divine origin and the power to work miracles. Actually, this _Dylks_
+was about as bad a hat as any made. He had deserted his legal wife,
+_Nancy_, and allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry a _de facto_
+husband whom she adored. So you will see that the turning up again of
+Number One, unrecognised and surrounded by the trappings of god-head and
+the adoration of the Elect, creates for _Nancy_ a very pretty and absorbing
+problem in social ethics. But Mr. HOWELLS has done more than this. Having
+shown _Dylks_ as the arch-villain and impostor that he is, he proceeds to
+the subtler task of enlisting our sympathy for him. It is this that gives
+the story its higher quality. The horror of the poor wretch's position,
+driven on by his own words, almost, in time, coming himself to a kind of
+belief in them, haunted always by the increasing demands of his dupes, is
+most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end we hear of his death
+(by suicide or accident) with an emotion of relief and pity that is a real
+tribute to his creator. _The Leatherwood God_ is not a long story, but for
+concentrated power it deserves to be classed amongst the outstanding work
+of the season.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter--of course in a strictly
+literary sense. It must at this moment have required some courage to make
+your hero an agent of the British Secret Service. And having done this she
+certainly shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the situation so
+created. In the interest of his profession, and for no reward save the
+service of his country, _Marcus Janover_ is called upon to sacrifice love,
+friendship, even his personal honour. Just how all this comes about I leave
+you to discover by _The Light above the Cross Roads_ (DUCKWORTH). It is a
+powerful and highly original story that has the distinction of breaking
+entirely new ground in war-novels. The scenes of it, laid partly in
+Ireland, partly in Berlin, or behind the German lines, are themselves
+guarantees of the unusual. One slight criticism that I have to make rises
+from the question whether so expert an "agent" as _Marcus_ would really
+employ blot-producing ink for his map tracery when, on his own confession,
+he might have used pencil. But if the blots had not been there the
+Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning of _Marcus's_ presence
+amongst them) would never have arrested _Ursule_, and thus provided a
+dramatic and unhackneyed situation. There is a gravity and distinction,
+moreover, about the tale that somehow reminds me of the late Monsignor
+BENSON. It is undoubtedly a story that should be read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am rather puzzled what to say about the _The Grey Shepherd_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), because it is essentially a story that will appeal very
+differently to readers of different temperaments. Some people will say,
+"How beautiful!" Others perhaps, "How precious!" and both with a certain
+truth. For my own part, I should select a middle course, and say that Mrs.
+J.E. BUCKROSE has had a wholly admirable idea for a short story, which she
+has done her best to spoil by enlarging it to book dimensions, and a little
+over-sweetening it. There is real delicacy and beauty in her theme. The
+youth forced by partial blindness to give up all the hopes for which he had
+been educated, who becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his pipe
+(musical) and the simplicities of country lore for the loss of love and
+ambition; and eventually, after his death, is deified by rustic tradition
+into a supernatural helper of "all things that are kind"--here is an idea
+for the tenderest handling. My feeling is, while giving Mrs. BUCKROSE every
+credit for such an inspiration, that she should have been a little sterner
+with herself over the treatment, and thus avoided a certain stickiness that
+may irritate those who prefer the simplicity of nature to a not quite
+sufficiently concealed art. But, as I began by saying, it all depends on
+the individual palate; and, anyhow, the book has the historic excuse of
+being a very little one, which you can read, with pleasure or irritation,
+within the hour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels in which the hero
+and heroine dally over-long in falling in love you will get it by reading
+_The Fur-Bringers_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon
+preliminaries, not a minute; and as soon as _Ambrose Deane_ and _Colina
+Gaviller_ have met and discovered at sight that they are just made for each
+other the really exciting part of the story begins. I forget how many times
+_Ambrose_ is arrested during the course of the tale, but I do know that
+things keep on happening all the time, and that the rescue of the hero by
+the Indian girl _Nesis_ is delightfully told. Altogether Mr. HULBERT
+FOOTNER'S picture of the life of a trader in Athabasca is particularly
+attractive. I like it all, including the cover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOUCEUR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a discharged
+    soldier, was sentenced to ten months' imprisonment for bigamy."--_Pall
+    Mall Gazette._
+
+  A proper verdict this, that for a while
+  Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+152, JANUARY 31, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 14516.txt or 14516.zip *******
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