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diff --git a/14483-0.txt b/14483-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..240210d --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1101 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +March 5th, 1892. + + + + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. + + Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a rattling refrain + or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always popular. What wonder + clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_!" is all the rage? + "Her greatest creation" (_vide_ advertisements), "sung and danced with + the utmost _verve_," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to + attach a meaning to it? Let us try:-- + +No. VI.--THAT'S HOW WE BOOM TO-DAY! + +[Illustration] + + I. + + A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be + To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety; + Not too strict, of swagger free, + And as "fly" as "fly" can be. + Ever pushing, ever bold, + (Else one's left "out in the cold") + Thus Success you grasp, and hold. + And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,-- + + _Chorus._ + + Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! + That's how we "boom" to-day! + Bra-va! We "boom" to-day! + Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day! + [_And so on, six times or more._ + + II. + + All want to "Boom." But don't be shy, + For modesty is all my eye. + Shun all reserve, if you would try + For "paying" notoriety. + If you would "make your pile" in haste, + You must not bother about "taste." + _Every_ chance must be embraced, + If you would sing when fairly "placed," + _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! + [_Over and over again._ + + III. + + Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far + Than 'twas of old to be a Star. + Hit on some trick crepuscular, + Like smudge or smoke, and there you are! + They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So + You're sure--in time--to be a go. + You will catch on, and sell, although + Your meaning not a soul may know,-- + _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day! + [_Ad libitum._ + + IV. + + If Humour is your little line, + Coherent sense you must resign, + Cry, "Paradox alone's divine! + LAMB had _his_ manner, _this_ is Mine!" + Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone + Of mirth till all the marrow's gone; + And crowds, who first stared like a stone, + Your "subtle genius" soon will own. + _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! + [_Ad nauseam._ + + V. + + Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred? + There you may "boom" it like a bird. + Turn on the Absolute-Absurd; + By that strange tap the mob is stirred. + Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim; + Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim, + Anything meaning morbid whim; + Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what _vim_!" + _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day! + [_As long as you like_! + + VI. + + Or would you even higher fly, + And found a "Cult"? You've but to try. + That blend fools follow in full cry, + Meaninglessness _plus_ Mystery! + A witch astride upon a broom, + A bogie in a darkened room, + Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,-- + Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"! + _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! + [_Till you are tired of it._ + + VII. + + Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent., + With that Big Drum, Advertisement. + Nonsense, with _nous_ discreetly blent, + Finds the world cheated--and content. + But "make your game" while yet there's room, + For novel shapes of quackery. Doom + Awaits us in the outer gloom: + A day _may_ come when Bosh _won't_ "Boom"! + + _Chorus._ + That's how we "boom" to-day! + Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! + Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day! + Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! + [_And so on till further orders._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ASSISTED EDUCATION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants to his Chief, +"Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the memory of CHARLES +DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr. LAWRENCE HUTTON who +has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE & CO. who publish, a series of letters +addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They bear date between the years 1851 +and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S papers after his death, and prove not +the least precious of his possessions. _Foster's Life of Dickens_ will +undoubtedly remain the medium through which the outer world shall know the +great novelist." "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way +in which admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd +among us. You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your +observations interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed +continued. "But, Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste +those volumes leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many +of the letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase +of his character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with +some tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little +volume of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best, +whether as a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work." + +BARON DE BOOKWORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION." + +(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND. "WITH +RAVISHED EARS, THE MONARCH HEARS, ASSUMES THE GOD, AFFECTS TO NOD, AND +SEEMS TO SHAKE THE SPHERES!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE. + +_Cousin Madge._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. SO MANY THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF +US!" _Charlie._ "_NOT AT ALL_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST + +OR, THE POWER OF SOUND. + +(_An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long way after Dryden._) + + ["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN EMPEROR said:-- + 'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally attends me in my + work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my task, and to + advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this are added + the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my + unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and + Dennewitz, will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite + pains with our ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot + suppose he has done this for no purpose.... My course is the right one, + and it will be persevered in."--_Daily Paper._] + + 'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set + For Providence's pet: + Aloft in Teuton state + The god-like hero sate + On his Imperial throne: + His Brandenburgers listened round, + Appreciative of the Power of Sound; + All admire shouting--when the Shouter's crowned! + The Jovian Eagle at his side + Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed + The Olympian hero in his pride. + + Happy, happy, happy Chief! + None but the loud, + None but the loud, + From the crass crowd may win belief! + His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled, + And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World! + The listening crowd admire the lofty sound. + "A present deity!" they shout around. + "A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound. + With ravished ears, + The monarch hears, + Assumes the god, + Affects to nod, + And seems to shake the spheres! + + In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke, + In language like a huge thrasonic joke. + The newest god in triumph comes; + Blare the trumpets, thump the drums: + Flushed with a purple grace, + He lifts his Jovian face! + Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes! + New ALEXANDER fair and young, + Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again + To Brandenburg, that treasure + Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure, + Rich the treasure, + Sweet the pleasure, + Which to the gods has given such pain! + + Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain, + Fights all his battles o'er again; + 'Twas Heaven that routed all _his_ foes, Olympus slew _his_ slain. + _He_ has the greatest of allies! + Doubters are dastards in _his_ eyes, + And grumblers at their deified + Young Emperor in his proper pride. + Should shake from their false shoes + Germania's dust. The Muse + Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good, + By a benignant fate + Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted, + Lifted to a god's estate, + Olympian in his mood: + + * * * * * + + The mighty Master smiled to see, + Infant-in-Arms, young Germany, + Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap, + And, quite a promising young chap, + Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle, + And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle, + Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles, + Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles, + A tremendous time beginning; + Fighting still, all foes destroying:-- + "A world-empire's worth the winning! + Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying. + The new god now sits beside ye, + Take the gifts he will provide ye! + He's your young Orbilian schooler, + Your Hereditary Ruler!" + (The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.) + "_My_ course is right, and glorious is _my_ Cause!!!" + The Prince, the god unable to restrain, + Rose from his chair, + With Jovian air, + And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care, + What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare, + The nectar gulped again and yet again: + Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on, + Voted himself the New God--Jupiter-(G)Ammon! + + * * * * * + + "Let ALEXANDER yield the prize + To WILHELM of the Iron Crown; + _He_ raised himself unto the skies, + _I_ bring Olympus _down_!!!" + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +No. XI.--TO PLAUSIBILITY. + +MY DEAR PLAU, + +I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the pleasure +I have received during my life from the society of your friends and +_protégés_. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money advantages. +Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be found that in +these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still due to me. Who +knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose here and there I +did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to indulge these +gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had conquered me. No. What +I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have derived from some of the +finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the boards) that the world ever +saw, acting in which I protest that the tears, the sighs, the misery, the +gallantry, the courage, the loyal sentiments and the honourable promises +all rang with so sincere a sound that the very actor himself was subdued +like the dyer's hand to the colours he worked in, until he believed himself +to be the most unjustly persecuted of mankind, the most upright of +gentlemen, or whatever the special emotion he simulated required that he +should seem to be for the moment. That he might possibly be what, as a +matter of fact, he often was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at +the time. He was evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in +any case they could not spoil my æsthetic enjoyment of a notable +performance. And after all who is to undertake to draw the line between the +good man and the bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced +that they were admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery; +somewhere in the backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of +intellectual implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened, +ever came to open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious +owners of it passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and +their actions still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of +course, were not so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them, +revealed them to themselves and others, and in many cases only left them, +alas, after cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave +these divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I +rather wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and +the chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN. + +[Illustration] + +I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old +friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have heard +of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement, and +retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST--LEONIDAS MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST +he had been christened by a warlike father, whose military aspirations had +been crushed by the necessity for a commercial career, and who had taken it +out of fate by devoting his son to heroism at the baptismal font, and by +subsequently buying him a commission in a crack regiment--General TEMPEST +was, in the days of which I speak, a hospitable veteran whose amiability +and good-nature had survived many severe campaigns in which he had taken +and given hard knocks wherever hard knocks were to be found. His +benevolence and hospitality were proverbial far beyond the limits of +Dansington, and his daughter CLARA was one of the prettiest girls in the +United Kingdom. + +On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical WILFRID +COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a fortnight, I +learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and had made +himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they got to know +him I never quite discovered--indeed, I doubt if any of them could have +told me--and as to his previous history all they seemed to know was that +his father had property "somewhere in the West of England," that he himself +had travelled a great deal, and was now close upon thirty years old. I am +free to admit that after my first dinner in his company I had very little +inclination to worry myself about the details of his past, so cheerful and +fascinating did I find his gay companionship. I cannot quite explain the +charm of the man. He had a roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion, +and a laugh that seemed to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to +carry those who heard it in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what +stories the fellow could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual +convulsions, and even ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth, +much weighed down by the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford, +was pleased to unbend and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the +wizard COBBYN. + +One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to repeat it +as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a certain +travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania. It was a +story that never seemed to cease,--a bad recommendation for most stories, I +admit; but in this case so artfully and with such surprising humour and +force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long series of ludicrous +sufferings culminating in the total loss of the sufferer's clothes and his +involuntary appearance in the full uniform of a Turkish Zaptieh, with other +surprising and endless episodes, that at the last we had in the midst of +our gasps of helpless laughter to implore the narrator to stop for the sake +of our sides and the resounding rafters of the General's house. + +At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as the +gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some deathless +story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved from +disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our imaginations, +which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower flights, soared +obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible romance. Nor did he +stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of old-world punctilio, but +before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN, of whom he knew nothing +except what COBBYN told him, to all the best people in Dansington; nor +shall I ever forget the air with which this glorious rascal took the portly +old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her second supper at the County Ball. He +rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's +ancient retainer went on his many errands, and neither the General nor his +man saw anything out of the way in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I +thought, with some favour--but as CLARA always breaks into indignant +denials whenever this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the +members of the Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises. +The young sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks +repeated to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an +uncommon good fellow, by Gad." + +To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering politeness +which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade cleverer and +sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day before my +departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me and writing my +London address with much ceremony on the back of an envelope, which I +afterwards found lying about in a passage of the General's house. + +Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had gone +away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and the +Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the result +was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely foolish, +and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM SPINDLE, +who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of +DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income +with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for £1,000. Sir +PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him +£500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put £300 into the +Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been the +managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had fleeced +all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the clouds. +How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered the avarice +of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of PACKTHREAD, and +subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known. Partly, no doubt, +he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful and candid. He +_was_ the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the father had long since +ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he had really travelled +and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts were his good-humour, +his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue that gained for him the +trusting confidence of his victims almost before he himself knew that he +meant to victimise them. + +They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America. +Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular--for a time. + +Goodbye, dear old PLAU! + I hope I haven't bored you. + Yours trustfully, + DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY. + + SCENE--_A Theatre with Audience and Company complete. The former + "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking forward to + the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but over._ + +_Servant_ (_to_ Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in the Hall. May she +come up? + +_Countess._ Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once? + +_Servant_ (_arranging his powdered hair in a glass_). Because in cases of +exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up herself! + +_Countess_ (_smiling_). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not know that +cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is more than +half found out? + +_Servant_ (_taking up coal scuttle_). Like the hair of your Lady-ship--out +of curl! [_Exit._ + +_Countess._ A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me avoid him. A +married man is quite out of date--save when he forms the subject of his own +obituary. [_Exit._ + +_A pause. Enter the_ Duchess of BATTERSEA. + +_Duchess._ Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke with me, +after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his head when +he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to catch a +'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me--where's the difference? + +_Enter_ Earl PENNYPLAINE. + +_Earl_ (_angrily_). You here! + +_Duchess_ (_with an appealing gesture_). You are not pleased to see me! You +regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A past unblessed +by a clergyman--in fact, a past without a pastor! + +_Earl._ Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no home for +old jokes! + +_Duchess._ You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you so badly? +Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival? Why I have +blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds? Do you know +why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. Because I am your +Mother-in-law! + +_Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first! + +_Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._ + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!! + +_Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author, +Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq._ + +["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies, +pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half- +smoked cigarette."--_Daily Telegraph._]] + +_Countess._ Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have +brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take +'em, and bless you! + +_Duchess_ (_overflowing with emotion_). My dear, this is too much. +(_Weeps._) You un_woman_--I should say un_lady_--me! + +_Enter_ Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD. + +_Lord T.C._ Come and marry me. + +_Duchess._ With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy! [_Exeunt._ + +_Earl._ And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings +like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA. + +_Quick Curtain._ + +_Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and +forefinger a lighted cigarette._ + +_Author._ Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do +what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a +smoke myself. (_Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience à la_ +HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking +jacket? Thank you! (_Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the +presence of the audience._) And now I will have a chair. (_Stamps, when up +comes through a trap a table supporting a lounge_), and a cup of tea. +(_Another table appears through another trap, bringing up with it a tray +and a five o'clock set._) And now I think we are comfortable. (_Helps +himself to tea, smokes, &c._) I must tell you I think my piece excellent. +And all the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I +hope you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored +with this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to +catch a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a +quarter of an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train--I repeat, as I +have to catch a train-- + +_Entire Audience._ And so have we! [_Exeunt._ (_Thus the Play +ends in smoke._) + + * * * * * + +HOW TO SAVE LONDON. + +(_Rather more than a Fairy Story._) + +JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the fact +that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the coal +dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter. He +watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small creature +appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and did not +notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and began to +address him. + +"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct +voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you that, +unless you wake up, you will come to grief." + +"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?" + +"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned the +Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the chances +are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording your vote." +"What election?" + +"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the Members of +the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on Saturday, the 5th of +March, and will from that date remain in power for four years!" + +And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it was +in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him seemed +intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There were to be +free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers' shops, free +ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free boot-makers, +free gas companies, free waterworks--in fact, everything was to be gratis. + +"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London. + +"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the paymaster. You +will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a commencement, with +additional crowns to follow!" + +"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of genuine +alarm. + +"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the +Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning." + +And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN SMITH +found himself sprawling upon the floor. + +"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed. + +And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling +stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates. + +At least it is to be hoped he will! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN. + +SCENE--_A Third-Class Carriage._ TIME--_Three Hours before the next +Station._ DRAMATIS PERSONÆ--_Jones and Robinson._ + +"IT'S THE _LAST_!--AND IT'S A TÄNDSTICKOR. IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!" + +"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;--BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL!" + +"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT OF WINDOW!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 21._--"What a day he _is_ having to be +sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking across the table at the +other eminent country gentleman who is our First Minister of Agriculture. + +Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height. Just +the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew lurid +picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with Small +Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings, and +recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's +prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however entirely +foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on contrary, +made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right in both +instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the conviction, +still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct contradiction was +peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman addressing the House, +displaying a flexibility of genius not common to mankind. + +CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear. To-night, +standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to swell +wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the speech +observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar strategic +movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN was, so to +speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own. + +House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN, +remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces +uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of fifty-five +minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general observations +prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind of pompous +platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old times, Members +used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like the wedding +guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed--though as PLUNKET reminds me, +the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is not--the House could not help +but hear. Once, when the orator dropped easily into autobiographical +episode, described himself strolling about the fields of Lincolnshire, +turning up a turnip here, drawing forth a casual carrot there, meditating +on the days when + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: YOUNGER THAN EVER! + +THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!--TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!--OVER!!"] + + * * * * * + +every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on his +back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by permission +of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a tankard of +chill October--at this stage, it is true, there were signs of impatience +amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about the Bill. + +[Illustration: Mr. G. dreams a Dream.] + +But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn +prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could +not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the Minister +of Agriculture. + +_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill introduced. + +_Tuesday._--Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH and he of +SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight; attracted by +debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY couldn't restrain his +astonishment at scene. + +"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he +whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the +outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them +leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now, the +House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches crowded; +all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers filling +the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than eighteen Members +present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is demonstrating how much +happier Wales is under the benediction of the Church than she would be +without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST. ASAPH, of--er--well, of an +eight o'clock morning service in inclement weather." + +"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I mean, in +contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer in +Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty benches, +and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by the small +congregation--which I may say finds eloquent expression on the face of our +friend JOHN G. TALBOT--simply mean that they have heard all these speeches +before, and have made up their minds on the subject. They are ready to +vote, but they will not remain to hear the speeches. As you say, in such +circumstances it would appear more businesslike to take the vote at once, +and get along with other work. But that is unparliamentary. This will be +kept going till there is just time left before the adjournment to divide. +_Then_ you'll see how dear is this question to the hearts of our friends, +and how virulent is the persistence of the adversary." + +Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten, +Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the +debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to see +how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the Church, were +careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the clerical white +tie. + +"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at night, +but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken. "I could +wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front displayed, our +friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that their coat- +collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection, and the white +tie at least indicates nice feeling." + +_Business done._--Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales negatived by 267 +Votes against 220. + +_Wednesday._--PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill, and, what's +more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells me that, +though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom over them. +Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say, in casual way, +"Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed, gone so far as +commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These are now, of +course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language not rich in +provision of similar openings for wit. + +_Business done._--Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried. Rare opportunity +for Scotch joke hopelessly lost. + +_Thursday._--MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords to-night. Asked +the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment of Joint +Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist in words; +suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty; wouldn't +say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious part of the +Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed; hinted at rupture +with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying that if Motion for +Committee were submitted, he would do his best to induce their Lordships to +adopt it. + +Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all about +it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged their head +in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in involved +speech and well affected hesitation. + +MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat--I mean the fog, out of the +bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government have made up +their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This Joint Committee +will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure based on its Report +will be carried through both Houses; everything will be ready for return of +unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November. + +"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not unkindly. +"But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's been in my +mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little shrill; Free +Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only so-so. The Fog's the +thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to our standard, and with +London at our back we can face the country." + +[Illustration: Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St. +Raphael, the Riviera.] + +Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So completely is +mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog problem, that +to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE brought in Bill +allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on for six hours; at +end of that time discovered that whole proceedings irregular. As involving +money question, introduction of Bill should have been preceded by +Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate abruptly +adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals. + +"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win. This +is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned as +people think) in support of our new Fog policy." + +_Business done._--Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light looms behind the +Fog. + +_Friday._--News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea. All his friends +on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the Sunny South. No need +whatever for his return; things going on admirably; not missed in the +least; shocking weather here; better stay where he is. + +"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light +flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in +the slightest. Very well, then; _I'll go home._" + +MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY +downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious dream. +Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way, others +another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G. leaping +up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them back to +Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for Unionist +encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, distinctly saw one +sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass. + +"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning for a +twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made up for +the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or more +watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son (which I +admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better done to. +Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud of his +chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of me, and +freshen me up. Fancy I've worn _him_ out; instead of his taking care of me, +have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again within sound of Big Ben. +Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well; but he'll have to tuck in +his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's place." + +_Business done._--Miscellaneous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PASSING IT ON." + +_Rupert_ (_just back from School, where he has been tremendously fagged_). +"LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU +SHALL FINISH THE JAM--_WHEN I'VE QUITE DONE_!"] + + * * * * * + +PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY. + + ["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before, than to + do a wise thing that has never been tried."--_Mr. Balfour in the House + of Commons._] + + HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd, + He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word. + All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear; + Trousers we love when most they need repair, + Boots without heels, completely lacking soles, + And hats all crushed and battered into holes. + Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true, + Do all the vanished ages used to do. + We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent, + And at the stake teach wretches to repent. + Clad _cap-à-pie_ in mail we'll face our foes, + And arm our British soldiery with bows. + Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore, + The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore. + Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal, + Collect stupidities and do them all. + Uneducate our men, unplough our land, + Bid heathen temples rise on every hand; + Unmake our progress and revoke our laws, + Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws. + Let light die out and brooding darkness reign, + And in a word call Chaos back again. + Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee, + "Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!" + + * * * * * + +SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.--Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at Oxford. +Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under lock and +screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought conjures +up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on the other, and loyal +Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round them. Never mind, BERNARD. +It was a capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took +care it should not be wasted. + + * * * * * + +A FUDGE FORMULA. + + "To set class against class is the crime of all crimes." + That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times; + Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses + In rancorous railings concerning "the masses." + He thinks that all efforts injustice to right + Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight. + He might just as well urge that morality's rules + Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools; + Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes + Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes! + + * * * * * + +"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."--The Engineers of London and Birmingham have +been requested, says the _Daily Telegraph_, to "lay their heads together," +so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be effected. This is an +instance where to have "water on the brain" is absolutely necessary. Odd to +think that in this "water difficulty" are contained all the elements of a +burning question; so much so indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever +enough to solve the problem without getting themselves into hot water, may +confidently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding to +"set the Thames on fire." + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--CURRENCY REFORM.--I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I have all +seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my +lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This would +form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN +seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the +new One Pound Notes, be--"_Quid, pro quo?_"--SLY-METALLIST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONDON IN VENICE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +HORACE IN LONDON. + +TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (_AD CHLORIN._) + + FORBEAR this painted show to strut + Of girlish toilet, manner skittish: + It may be _Fin-de-Siècle_, but + It isn't British. + + To dance, to swell the betting rank, + To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow; + To try to break your husband's bank + At Monte Carlo, + + Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;" + The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers, + If act you must is scarce the part + For sixty summers. + + Let Age be decent: keep your hair + Confined, if nothing else, to one dye: + I'd rather see you, I declare, + Like Mrs. GRUNDY! + + * * * * * + +THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC. + +(_What it may come to._) + + ["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and + compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they + do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."--_Daily + Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee._] + +SCENE--_A Public Place._ + +Sergeant KITE _and a_ Possible Recruit _in conversation._ + +_Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are +exceedingly generous in the matter of rations. + +_Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I +find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of +six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of +joining the Army unless I had the same. + +_Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must. +Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose. + +_P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these +useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which +they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of +private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should +not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called +before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to +me at nine. + +_Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving- +water! Oh, this is _too_ much! + +_P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are +other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds? + +_Sergeant K._ Feather-beds! + +_P.R._ Yes. A _sine quâ non_, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions, +and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with +liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice. + +_Sergeant K._ (_with sarcasm_). And you would wish to retire at a week's +notice if war were declared? + +_P.R._ (_surprised_). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my +motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for +civil employment? + +_Sergeant K._ No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You +surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly +counter-jumper? + +_P.R._ Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a +shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do +better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service. + +_Sergeant K._ Any other point you would like to mention? + +_P.R._ Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get +damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The +principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so +that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he +probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him +when we got back to England. You understand my point? + +_Sergeant K._ Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier +present at the battle from suing also? + +_P.R._ Nothing at all. Of course they _would_ all sue. So no General must +be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High +Court at home security for costs if defeated,--say half a million or so. + +_Sergeant K._ (_with forced politeness_). Well, I'm glad to have heard your +views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him. + +_P.R._ Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only +remains open till to-morrow morning. + +_Sergeant K._ Oh--! + +[_The remainder of the gallant_ Sergeant's _observations are not necessary +for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good +faith. Exit to recruit._ + + * * * * * + +"THE RING AND THE BOOK." + +[Illustration] + +FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of _The Battle of Waterloo_ and +_Scenes in the Circle_, with the once-renowned WIDDICOMB as Master of the +Ring, _Mr. Punch_ has ever been particularly fond of the old-fashioned +equestrian entertainment. The Ring to which he has just made allusion is, +it need hardly be added, The Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE +READE. _Mr. P._ is not sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in +which the chances of danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against +the performer; and especially does he object to children of very tender +years being utilised in order to earn money for their parents or guardians +by exhibiting their precocious agility. _Mr. P._ approves of the ancient +use of the birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is +quite of the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the +rod; which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously +applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern +Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going so +utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as +corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in or +out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for this +circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances. Does +_Mr. Punch_, representing the public generally, quite approve of this +portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return only a +qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural but +extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the method of +training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it altogether: +and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public appearance until +they were at least sixteen; their previous training having been under the +supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to the training of animals +for the circus business. If the training system means "all done by +kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just application of a +considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards and punishments, +then _Mr. P._ approves; but where cruelty comes in, whether in the training +of child or beast, _Mr. Punch_ would have such trainer of youth punished as +_Nicholas Nickleby_ punished _Squeers_, in addition to imprisonment and +fine; and for cruelty to dumb animals _Mr. P._ would order the garotter's +punishment and plenty of it. Having professed this faith, _Mr. Punch_, +after thus "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would +like to know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story +entitled, _Slaves of the Sawdust_? As literature it is poor stuff, but as +written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged systematic +cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the circus-equestrian +acrobatic life, the book should not only attract general notice, but should +also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to some united action of all +responsible circus-managers against the author of this work, which would +result in either the said managers or the authoress being "brought to +book." _Mr. Punch_ hath spoken. _Verb. sap._ + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, March 5, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 *** |