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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:39 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:39 -0700 |
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diff --git a/14483-h/14483-h.htm b/14483-h/14483-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e8b0d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/14483-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1344 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, March 5th, 1892.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 5th, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span> + +<h3>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.</h3> + + <blockquote>Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a + rattling refrain or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always + popular. What wonder clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S + "<i>Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay</i>!" is all the rage? "Her greatest creation" + (<i>vide</i> advertisements), "sung and danced with the utmost + <i>verve</i>," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to attach a + meaning to it? Let us try:—</blockquote> + +<p class="center">No. VI.—THAT'S HOW WE +BOOM TO-DAY!</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/109a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109a.png" + alt="Tra-la! We boom to-day!" /></a> + </div> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be</p> + <p>To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety;</p> + <p>Not too strict, of swagger free,</p> + <p>And as "fly" as "fly" can be.</p> + <p>Ever pushing, ever bold,</p> + <p>(Else one's left "out in the cold")</p> + <p>Thus Success you grasp, and hold.</p> + <p>And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Chorus.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i4">That's how we "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i4">Bra-va! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i4">Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i12">[<i>And so on, six times or more.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">II.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All want to "Boom." But don't be shy,</p> + <p>For modesty is all my eye.</p> + <p>Shun all reserve, if you would try</p> + <p>For "paying" notoriety.</p> + <p>If you would "make your pile" in haste,</p> + <p>You must not bother about "taste."</p> + <p><i>Every</i> chance must be embraced,</p> + <p>If you would sing when fairly "placed,"</p> + <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>—Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i12">[<i>Over and over again.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">III.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far</p> + <p>Than 'twas of old to be a Star.</p> + <p>Hit on some trick crepuscular,</p> + <p>Like smudge or smoke, and there you are!</p> + <p>They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So</p> + <p>You're sure—in time—to be a go.</p> + <p>You will catch on, and sell, although</p> + <p>Your meaning not a soul may know,—</p> + <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>—Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i12">[<i>Ad libitum.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">IV.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Humour is your little line,</p> + <p>Coherent sense you must resign,</p> + <p>Cry, "Paradox alone's divine!</p> + <p>LAMB had <i>his</i> manner, <i>this</i> is Mine!"</p> + <p>Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone</p> + <p>Of mirth till all the marrow's gone;</p> + <p>And crowds, who first stared like a stone,</p> + <p>Your "subtle genius" soon will own.</p> + <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>—Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i12">[<i>Ad nauseam.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">V.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred?</p> + <p>There you may "boom" it like a bird.</p> + <p>Turn on the Absolute-Absurd;</p> + <p>By that strange tap the mob is stirred.</p> + <p>Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim;</p> + <p>Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim,</p> + <p>Anything meaning morbid whim;</p> + <p>Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what <i>vim</i>!"</p> + <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>—Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i12">[<i>As long as you like</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">VI.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or would you even higher fly,</p> + <p>And found a "Cult"? You've but to try.</p> + <p>That blend fools follow in full cry,</p> + <p>Meaninglessness <i>plus</i> Mystery!</p> + <p>A witch astride upon a broom,</p> + <p>A bogie in a darkened room,</p> + <p>Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,—</p> + <p>Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"!</p> + <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>—Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i12">[<i>Till you are tired of it.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">VII.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent.,</p> + <p>With that Big Drum, Advertisement.</p> + <p>Nonsense, with <i>nous</i> discreetly blent,</p> + <p>Finds the world cheated—and content.</p> + <p>But "make your game" while yet there's room,</p> + <p>For novel shapes of quackery. Doom</p> + <p>Awaits us in the outer gloom:</p> + <p>A day <i>may</i> come when Bosh <i>won't</i> "Boom"!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Chorus.</i></p> + <p class="i4">That's how we "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i4">Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p> + <p class="i12">[<i>And so on till further orders.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/109b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109b.png" + alt="ASSISTED EDUCATION." /></a> + "ASSISTED EDUCATION." + </div> +<hr /> + + <p><b>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</b>—Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants + to his Chief, "Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the + memory of CHARLES DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr. + LAWRENCE HUTTON who has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE & CO. who + publish, a series of letters addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They + bear date between the years 1851 and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S + papers after his death, and prove not the least precious of his + possessions. <i>Foster's Life of Dickens</i> will undoubtedly remain the + medium through which the outer world shall know the great novelist." + "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way in which + admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd among us. + You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your observations + interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed continued. "But, + Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste those volumes + leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many of the + letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase of his + character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with some + tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little volume + of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best, whether as + a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work."</p> + + <p>BARON DE BOOKWORMS & CO.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/109c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109c.png" + alt="JOINT OCCUPATION." /></a> + <p class="center">"JOINT OCCUPATION."</p> + + <p class="center">(<i>Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt.</i>)</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/110.png"><img width="100%" src="images/110.png" + alt="THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND." /></a> + <h3>THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.</h3> <p + class="center">"WITH RAVISHED EARS,</p> <p class="center">THE MONARCH + HEARS,</p> <p class="center">ASSUMES THE GOD,</p> <p + class="center">AFFECTS TO NOD,</p> <p class="center">AND SEEMS TO SHAKE + THE SPHERES!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png" + alt="QUITE UP TO DATE." /></a> + <h3>QUITE UP TO DATE.</h3> + + <i>Cousin Madge.</i> "WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. SO MANY THANKS FOR + TAKING CARE OF US!" + <i>Charlie.</i> "<i>NOT AT ALL</i>!" + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST</h3> + +<p class="center">OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long +way after Dryden.</i>)</p> + + <blockquote>["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN + EMPEROR said:—'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally + attends me in my work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my + task, and to advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this + are added the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my + unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and Dennewitz, + will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite pains with our + ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot suppose he has done + this for no purpose.... My course is the right one, and it will be + persevered in."—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set</p> + <p class="i4">For Providence's pet:</p> + <p class="i4">Aloft in Teuton state</p> + <p class="i4">The god-like hero sate</p> + <p class="i8">On his Imperial throne:</p> + <p class="i2">His Brandenburgers listened round,</p> + <p class="i2">Appreciative of the Power of Sound;</p> + <p class="i2">All admire shouting—when the Shouter's crowned!</p> + <p class="i4">The Jovian Eagle at his side</p> + <p class="i4">Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed</p> + <p class="i4">The Olympian hero in his pride.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Happy, happy, happy Chief!</p> + <p class="i4">None but the loud,</p> + <p class="i4">None but the loud,</p> + <p>From the crass crowd may win belief!</p> + <p>His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled,</p> + <p>And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World!</p> + <p class="i2">The listening crowd admire the lofty sound.</p> + <p class="i2">"A present deity!" they shout around.</p> + <p class="i2">"A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound.</p> + <p class="i4">With ravished ears,</p> + <p class="i4">The monarch hears,</p> + <p class="i6">Assumes the god,</p> + <p class="i6">Affects to nod,</p> + <p class="i4">And seems to shake the spheres!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke,</p> + <p class="i2">In language like a huge thrasonic joke.</p> + <p class="i2">The newest god in triumph comes;</p> + <p class="i2">Blare the trumpets, thump the drums:</p> + <p class="i2">Flushed with a purple grace,</p> + <p class="i2">He lifts his Jovian face!</p> + <p>Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes!</p> + <p>New ALEXANDER fair and young,</p> + <p>Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again</p> + <p class="i4">To Brandenburg, that treasure</p> + <p class="i4">Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure,</p> + <p class="i4">Rich the treasure,</p> + <p class="i4">Sweet the pleasure,</p> + <p class="i2">Which to the gods has given such pain!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain,</p> + <p>Fights all his battles o'er again;</p> + <p>'Twas Heaven that routed all <i>his</i> foes, Olympus slew <i>his</i> slain.</p> + <p class="i2"><i>He</i> has the greatest of allies!</p> + <p class="i2">Doubters are dastards in <i>his</i> eyes,</p> + <p class="i2">And grumblers at their deified</p> + <p class="i2">Young Emperor in his proper pride.</p> + <p class="i4">Should shake from their false shoes</p> + <p class="i4">Germania's dust. The Muse</p> + <p class="i2">Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good,</p> + <p class="i4">By a benignant fate</p> + <p class="i4">Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted,</p> + <p class="i4">Lifted to a god's estate,</p> + <p class="i8">Olympian in his mood:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> * * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The mighty Master smiled to see,</p> + <p>Infant-in-Arms, young Germany,</p> + <p>Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap,</p> + <p>And, quite a promising young chap,</p> + <p>Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle,</p> + <p>And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle,</p> + <p class="i2">Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles,</p> + <p class="i2">Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles,</p> + <p class="i2">A tremendous time beginning;</p> + <p class="i4">Fighting still, all foes destroying:—</p> + <p class="i4">"A world-empire's worth the winning!</p> + <p class="i4">Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying.</p> + <p class="i6">The new god now sits beside ye,</p> + <p class="i6">Take the gifts he will provide ye!</p> + <p class="i6">He's your young Orbilian schooler,</p> + <p class="i6">Your Hereditary Ruler!"</p> + <p>(The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.)</p> + <p>"<i>My</i> course is right, and glorious is <i>my</i> Cause!!!"</p> + <p class="i2">The Prince, the god unable to restrain,</p> + <p class="i6">Rose from his chair,</p> + <p class="i6">With Jovian air,</p> + <p class="i2">And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care,</p> + <p class="i2">What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare,</p> + <p class="i2">The nectar gulped again and yet again:</p> + <p>Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on,</p> + <p>Voted himself the New God—Jupiter-(G)Ammon!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> * * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">"Let ALEXANDER yield the prize</p> + <p class="i8">To WILHELM of the Iron Crown;</p> + <p class="i6"><i>He</i> raised himself unto the skies,</p> + <p class="i8"><i>I</i> bring Olympus <i>down</i>!!!"</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page112" id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span> + +<h3>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h3> + +<p class="center">No. XI.—TO PLAUSIBILITY.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR PLAU,</p> + + <p>I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the + pleasure I have received during my life from the society of your friends + and <i>protégés</i>. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money + advantages. Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be + found that in these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still + due to me. Who knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose + here and there I did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to + indulge these gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had + conquered me. No. What I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have + derived from some of the finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the + boards) that the world ever saw, acting in which I protest that the + tears, the sighs, the misery, the gallantry, the courage, the loyal + sentiments and the honourable promises all rang with so sincere a sound + that the very actor himself was subdued like the dyer's hand to the + colours he worked in, until he believed himself to be the most unjustly + persecuted of mankind, the most upright of gentlemen, or whatever the + special emotion he simulated required that he should seem to be for the + moment. That he might possibly be what, as a matter of fact, he often + was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at the time. He was + evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in any case they + could not spoil my æsthetic enjoyment of a notable performance. And after + all who is to undertake to draw the line between the good man and the + bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced that they were + admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery; somewhere in the + backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of intellectual + implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened, ever came to + open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious owners of it + passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and their actions + still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of course, were not + so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them, revealed them to + themselves and others, and in many cases only left them, alas, after + cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave these + divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I rather + wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and the + chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/112.png"><img width="100%" src="images/112.png" + alt="Mr Wilfrid Cobbyn." /></a> + </div> + <p>I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old + friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have + heard of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement, + and retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST—LEONIDAS + MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST he had been christened by a warlike father, whose + military aspirations had been crushed by the necessity for a commercial + career, and who had taken it out of fate by devoting his son to heroism + at the baptismal font, and by subsequently buying him a commission in a + crack regiment—General TEMPEST was, in the days of which I speak, a + hospitable veteran whose amiability and good-nature had survived many + severe campaigns in which he had taken and given hard knocks wherever + hard knocks were to be found. His benevolence and hospitality were + proverbial far beyond the limits of Dansington, and his daughter CLARA + was one of the prettiest girls in the United Kingdom.</p> + + <p>On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical + WILFRID COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a + fortnight, I learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and + had made himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they + got to know him I never quite discovered—indeed, I doubt if any of + them could have told me—and as to his previous history all they + seemed to know was that his father had property "somewhere in the West of + England," that he himself had travelled a great deal, and was now close + upon thirty years old. I am free to admit that after my first dinner in + his company I had very little inclination to worry myself about the + details of his past, so cheerful and fascinating did I find his gay + companionship. I cannot quite explain the charm of the man. He had a + roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion, and a laugh that seemed + to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to carry those who heard it + in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what stories the fellow + could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual convulsions, and even + ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth, much weighed down by + the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford, was pleased to unbend + and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the wizard COBBYN.</p> + + <p>One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to + repeat it as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a + certain travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania. + It was a story that never seemed to cease,—a bad recommendation for + most stories, I admit; but in this case so artfully and with such + surprising humour and force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long + series of ludicrous sufferings culminating in the total loss of the + sufferer's clothes and his involuntary appearance in the full uniform of + a Turkish Zaptieh, with other surprising and endless episodes, that at + the last we had in the midst of our gasps of helpless laughter to implore + the narrator to stop for the sake of our sides and the resounding rafters + of the General's house.</p> + + <p>At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as + the gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some + deathless story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved + from disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our + imaginations, which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower + flights, soared obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible + romance. Nor did he stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of + old-world punctilio, but before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN, + of whom he knew nothing except what COBBYN told him, to all the best + people in Dansington; nor shall I ever forget the air with which this + glorious rascal took the portly old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her + second supper at the County Ball. He rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and + ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's ancient retainer went on his many + errands, and neither the General nor his man saw anything out of the way + in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I thought, with some + favour—but as CLARA always breaks into indignant denials whenever + this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the members of the + Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises. The young + sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks repeated + to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an uncommon + good fellow, by Gad."</p> + + <p>To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering + politeness which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade + cleverer and sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day + before my departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me + and writing my London address with much ceremony on the back of an + envelope, which I afterwards found lying about in a passage of the + General's house.</p> + + <p>Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had + gone away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and + the Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the + result was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely + foolish, and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM + SPINDLE, who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of + DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income + with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for £1,000. Sir + PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him + £500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put £300 into + the Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been + the managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had + fleeced all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the + clouds. How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered + the avarice of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of + PACKTHREAD, and subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known. + Partly, no doubt, he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful + and candid. He <i>was</i> the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the + father had long since ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he + had really travelled and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts + were his good-humour, his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue + that gained for him the trusting confidence of his victims almost before + he himself knew that he meant to victimise them.</p> + + <p>They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America. + Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular—for a time.</p> + + <p>Goodbye, dear old PLAU!</p> + + <p class="i16" style="margin-top: -1em;">I hope I haven't bored you.</p> + +<p class="center" style="margin-top: -1em;">Yours trustfully,</p> + +<p class="author">DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span> + +<h3>A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY.</h3> + + <blockquote>SCENE—<i>A Theatre with Audience and Company complete. + The former "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking + forward to the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but + over.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>to</i> Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in + the Hall. May she come up?</p> + + <p><i>Countess.</i> Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?</p> + + <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>arranging his powdered hair in a glass</i>). + Because in cases of exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up + herself!</p> + + <p><i>Countess</i> (<i>smiling</i>). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not + know that cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is + more than half found out?</p> + + <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>taking up coal scuttle</i>). Like the hair of your + Lady-ship—out of curl! + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Countess.</i> A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me + avoid him. A married man is quite out of date—save when he forms + the subject of his own obituary. + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>A pause. Enter the</i> Duchess of BATTERSEA.</p> + + <p><i>Duchess.</i> Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke + with me, after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his + head when he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to + catch a 'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me—where's the + difference?</p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Earl PENNYPLAINE.</p> + + <p><i>Earl</i> (<i>angrily</i>). You here!</p> + + <p><i>Duchess</i> (<i>with an appealing gesture</i>). You are not pleased + to see me! You regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A + past unblessed by a clergyman—in fact, a past without a pastor!</p> + + <p><i>Earl.</i> Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no + home for old jokes!</p> + + <p><i>Duchess.</i> You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you + so badly? Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a + rival? Why I have blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of + pounds? Do you know why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. + Because I am your Mother-in-law!</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3> + + <a href="images/113.png"><img width="100%" src="images/113.png" + alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a> + + <p class="center">QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!</p> + + <p><i>Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic + author, Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq.</i></p> + + <p>["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of + ladies, pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning + and half-smoked cigarette."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p> + </div> + + <p><i>Earl</i> (<i>in a choking voice</i>). I suspected as much from the + very first!</p> + + <p><i>Re-enter the</i> Countess, <i>carrying a heap of family + portraits.</i></p> + + <p><i>Countess.</i> Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I + have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his + predecessors. Take 'em, and bless you!</p> + + <p><i>Duchess</i> (<i>overflowing with emotion</i>). My dear, this is too + much. (<i>Weeps.</i>) You un<i>woman</i>—I should say + un<i>lady</i>—me!</p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.</p> + + <p><i>Lord T.C.</i> Come and marry me.</p> + + <p><i>Duchess.</i> With pleasure! + Lawks-a-mussy! + [<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + + <p><i>Earl.</i> And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the + moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Quick Curtain.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his +thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette.</i></p> + + <p><i>Author.</i> Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion + nowadays to do what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco + while I enjoy a smoke myself. (<i>Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst + the audience à la</i> HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my + tail-coat for a smoking jacket? Thank you! (<i>Makes the necessary + alteration of costume in the presence of the audience.</i>) And now I + will have a chair. (<i>Stamps, when up comes through a trap a table + supporting a lounge</i>), and a cup of tea. (<i>Another table appears + through another trap, bringing up with it a tray and a five o'clock + set.</i>) And now I think we are comfortable. (<i>Helps himself to tea, + smokes, &c.</i>) I must tell you I think my piece excellent. And all + the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I hope + you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored with + this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to catch + a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a quarter of + an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train—I repeat, as I have + to catch a train—</p> + + <p><i>Entire Audience.</i> And so have we! + [<i>Exeunt.</i> (<i>Thus the Play ends in + smoke.</i>)</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>HOW TO SAVE LONDON.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Rather more than a Fairy Story.</i>)</p> + + <p>JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the + fact that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the + coal dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter. + He watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small + creature appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and + did not notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and + began to address him.</p> + + <p>"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct + voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you + that, unless you wake up, you will come to grief."</p> + + <p>"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?"</p> + + <p>"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned + the Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the + chances are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording + your vote." "What election?"</p> + + <p>"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the + Members of the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on + Saturday, the 5th of March, and will from that date remain in power for + four years!"</p> + + <p>And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it + was in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him + seemed intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There + were to be free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers' + shops, free ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free + boot-makers, free gas companies, free waterworks—in fact, + everything was to be gratis.</p> + + <p>"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.</p> + + <p>"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the + paymaster. You will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a + commencement, with additional crowns to follow!"</p> + + <p>"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of + genuine alarm.</p> + + <p>"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the + Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."</p> + + <p>And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN + SMITH found himself sprawling upon the floor.</p> + + <p>"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.</p> + + <p>And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling + stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.</p> + + <p>At least it is to be hoped he will!</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/114.png"><img width="100%" src="images/114.png" + alt="A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN." /></a> + <h3>A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN.</h3> + + <p class="center">SCENE—<i>A Third-Class Carriage.</i> + TIME—<i>Three Hours before the next + Station.</i> DRAMATIS PERSONÆ— + <i>Jones and Robinson.</i></p> + + <p class="center">"IT'S THE <i>LAST</i>!—AND IT'S A TÄNDSTICKOR. + IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!"</p> + + <p class="center">"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;—BUT FOR HEAVEN'S + SAKE, BE CAREFUL!"</p> + + <p class="center">"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT + OF WINDOW!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + +<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 21.</i>—"What a day he + <i>is</i> having to be sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking + across the table at the other eminent country gentleman who is our First + Minister of Agriculture.</p> + + <p>Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height. + Just the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew + lurid picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with + Small Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings, + and recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's + prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however + entirely foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on + contrary, made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right + in both instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the + conviction, still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct + contradiction was peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman + addressing the House, displaying a flexibility of genius not common to + mankind.</p> + + <p>CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear. + To-night, standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to + swell wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the + speech observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar + strategic movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN + was, so to speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.</p> + + <p>House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN, + remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces + uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of + fifty-five minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general + observations prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind + of pompous platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old + times, Members used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like + the wedding guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed—though as + PLUNKET reminds me, the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is + not—the House could not help but hear. Once, when the orator + dropped easily into autobiographical episode, described himself strolling + about the fields of Lincolnshire, turning up a turnip here, drawing forth + a casual carrot there, meditating on the days when</p> + + <p>(<i>Continued page 117</i>)</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/115.png"><img width="100%" src="images/115.png" + alt="YOUNGER THAN EVER!" /></a> + <h3>YOUNGER THAN EVER!</h3> + + THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!—TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!— + OVER!!" + </div> +<hr /> + +<!-- page116 blank --> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span> + + <p>every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on + his back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by + permission of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a + tankard of chill October—at this stage, it is true, there were + signs of impatience amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about + the Bill.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/117a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117a.png" + alt="Mr. G. dreams a Dream." /></a> + Mr. G. dreams a Dream. + </div> + <p>But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn + prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could + not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the + Minister of Agriculture.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Small Holdings Bill introduced.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH + and he of SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight; + attracted by debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY + couldn't restrain his astonishment at scene.</p> + + <p>"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he + whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the + outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them + leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now, + the House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches + crowded; all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers + filling the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than + eighteen Members present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is + demonstrating how much happier Wales is under the benediction of the + Church than she would be without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST. + ASAPH, of—er—well, of an eight o'clock morning service in + inclement weather."</p> + + <p>"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I + mean, in contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer + in Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty + benches, and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by + the small congregation—which I may say finds eloquent expression on + the face of our friend JOHN G. TALBOT—simply mean that they have + heard all these speeches before, and have made up their minds on the + subject. They are ready to vote, but they will not remain to hear the + speeches. As you say, in such circumstances it would appear more + businesslike to take the vote at once, and get along with other work. But + that is unparliamentary. This will be kept going till there is just time + left before the adjournment to divide. <i>Then</i> you'll see how dear is + this question to the hearts of our friends, and how virulent is the + persistence of the adversary."</p> + + <p>Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten, + Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the + debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to + see how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the + Church, were careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the + clerical white tie.</p> + + <p>"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at + night, but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken. + "I could wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front + displayed, our friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that + their coat-collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection, + and the white tie at least indicates nice feeling."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales + negatived by 267 Votes against 220.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill, + and, what's more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells + me that, though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom + over them. Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say, + in casual way, "Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed, + gone so far as commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These + are now, of course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language + not rich in provision of similar openings for wit.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried. + Rare opportunity for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords + to-night. Asked the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment + of Joint Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist + in words; suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty; + wouldn't say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious + part of the Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed; + hinted at rupture with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying + that if Motion for Committee were submitted, he would do his best to + induce their Lordships to adopt it.</p> + + <p>Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all + about it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged + their head in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in + involved speech and well affected hesitation.</p> + + <p>MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat—I mean the fog, + out of the bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government + have made up their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This + Joint Committee will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure + based on its Report will be carried through both Houses; everything will + be ready for return of unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.</p> + + <p>"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not + unkindly. "But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's + been in my mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little + shrill; Free Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only + so-so. The Fog's the thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to + our standard, and with London at our back we can face the country."</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/117b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117b.png" + alt="Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge." /></a> + <p>Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St. Raphael, + the Riviera.</p> + </div> + <p>Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span> + completely is mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog + problem, that to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE + brought in Bill allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on + for six hours; at end of that time discovered that whole proceedings + irregular. As involving money question, introduction of Bill should have + been preceded by Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate + abruptly adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.</p> + + <p>"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win. + This is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned + as people think) in support of our new Fog policy."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light + looms behind the Fog.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea. + All his friends on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the + Sunny South. No need whatever for his return; things going on admirably; + not missed in the least; shocking weather here; better stay where he + is.</p> + + <p>"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light + flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD + getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in + the slightest. Very well, then; <i>I'll go home.</i>"</p> + + <p>MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY + downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious + dream. Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way, + others another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G. + leaping up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them + back to Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for + Unionist encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, + distinctly saw one sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.</p> + + <p>"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning + for a twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made + up for the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or + more watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son + (which I admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better + done to. Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud + of his chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of + me, and freshen me up. Fancy I've worn <i>him</i> out; instead of his + taking care of me, have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again + within sound of Big Ben. Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well; + but he'll have to tuck in his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's + place."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Miscellaneous.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/118.png"><img width="100%" src="images/118.png" + alt="PASSING IT ON." /></a> + <h3>"PASSING IT ON."</h3> + + <p><i>Rupert</i> (<i>just back from School, where he has been + tremendously fagged</i>). "LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND + DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU SHALL FINISH THE JAM—<i>WHEN I'VE QUITE + DONE</i>!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.</h3> + + <blockquote>["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done + before, than to do a wise thing that has never been tried."—<i>Mr. + Balfour in the House of Commons.</i>]</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,</p> + <p>He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.</p> + <p>All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;</p> + <p>Trousers we love when most they need repair,</p> + <p>Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,</p> + <p>And hats all crushed and battered into holes.</p> + <p>Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true,</p> + <p>Do all the vanished ages used to do.</p> + <p>We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,</p> + <p>And at the stake teach wretches to repent.</p> + <p>Clad <i>cap-à-pie</i> in mail we'll face our foes,</p> + <p>And arm our British soldiery with bows.</p> + <p>Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,</p> + <p>The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.</p> + <p>Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,</p> + <p>Collect stupidities and do them all.</p> + <p>Uneducate our men, unplough our land,</p> + <p>Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;</p> + <p>Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,</p> + <p>Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.</p> + <p>Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,</p> + <p>And in a word call Chaos back again.</p> + <p>Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,</p> + <p>"Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.—Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at + Oxford. Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under + lock and screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere + thought conjures up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on + the other, and loyal Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round + them. Never mind, BERNARD. It was a capital puff for the Socialistic + wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took care it should not be wasted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h3>A FUDGE FORMULA.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."</p> + <p>That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;</p> + <p>Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses</p> + <p>In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."</p> + <p>He thinks that all efforts injustice to right</p> + <p>Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.</p> + <p>He might just as well urge that morality's rules</p> + <p>Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;</p> + <p>Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes</p> + <p>Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."—The Engineers of London and + Birmingham have been requested, says the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, to "lay + their heads together," so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be + effected. This is an instance where to have "water on the brain" is + absolutely necessary. Odd to think that in this "water difficulty" are + contained all the elements of a burning question; so much so indeed, that + the Engineers who may be clever enough to solve the problem without + getting themselves into hot water, may confidently be expected to follow + up their achievement by proceeding to "set the Thames on fire."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—CURRENCY REFORM.—I see that the CHANCELLOR + OF THE EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I + have all seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to + my lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This + would form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. + GOSCHEN seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be + inscribed on the new One Pound Notes, be—"<i>Quid, pro + quo?</i>"—SLY-METALLIST.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119.png" + alt="LONDON IN VENICE." /></a> + <h3>LONDON IN VENICE.</h3> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/120a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120a.png" + alt="A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER." /></a> + </div> +<h3>HORACE IN LONDON.</h3> + +<p class="center">TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (<i>AD CHLORIN.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>FORBEAR this painted show to strut</p> + <p class="i2">Of girlish toilet, manner skittish:</p> + <p>It may be <i>Fin-de-Siècle</i>, but</p> + <p class="i2">It isn't British.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To dance, to swell the betting rank,</p> + <p class="i2">To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow;</p> + <p>To try to break your husband's bank</p> + <p class="i2">At Monte Carlo,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;"</p> + <p class="i2">The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,</p> + <p>If act you must is scarce the part</p> + <p class="i2">For sixty summers.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let Age be decent: keep your hair</p> + <p class="i2">Confined, if nothing else, to one dye:</p> + <p>I'd rather see you, I declare,</p> + <p class="i2">Like Mrs. GRUNDY!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>What it may come to.</i>)</p> + + <blockquote>["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our + soldiers, and compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as + highly as they do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and + comfort."—<i>Daily Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's + Committee.</i>]</blockquote> + +<p class="center">SCENE—<i>A Public Place.</i></p> + +<p class="center">Sergeant KITE <i>and a</i> Possible Recruit <i>in conversation.</i></p> + + <p><i>Sergeant Kite</i> (<i>continuing</i>). Then you must remember that + we are exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.</p> + + <p><i>Possible Recruit</i> (<i>pained</i>). <i>Rations</i>! I suppose you + mean <i>courses</i>! I find that in all the large firms in London the + assistants have a dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to + follow. I couldn't think of joining the Army unless I had the same.</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with suppressed emotion</i>). If it must be so, + then it must. Who's to pay the piper, <i>I</i> don't know! The Public, I + suppose.</p> + + <p><i>P. R.</i> I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number + of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours + at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the + convenience of private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly + mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I + should never be called before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and + shaving-water might be brought to me at nine.</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>after an interval</i>). Called! Early cup of + tea! Shaving-water! Oh, this is <i>too</i> much!</p> + + <p><i>P.R.</i> (<i>coolly</i>). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. + There are other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow + feather-beds?</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Feather-beds!</p> + + <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes. A <i>sine quâ non</i>, I assure you. Then as to pay + and pensions, and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by + the month, with liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's + notice.</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with sarcasm</i>). And you would wish to retire + at a week's notice if war were declared?</p> + + <p><i>P.R.</i> (<i>surprised</i>). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with + Honour" would be my motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get + if I went in for civil employment?</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do + with it. You surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work + of a beggarly counter-jumper?</p> + + <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day + easily in a shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as + I might do better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Any other point you would like to mention?</p> + + <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to + get damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The + principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, + so that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as + he probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue + him when we got back to England. You understand my point?</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every + soldier present at the battle from suing also?</p> + + <p><i>P.R.</i> Nothing at all. Of course they <i>would</i> all sue. So no + General must be permitted to go into action without first of all + depositing in the High Court at home security for costs if + defeated,—say half a million or so.</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with forced politeness</i>). Well, I'm glad to + have heard your views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to + please him.</p> + + <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My + offer only remains open till to-morrow morning.</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Oh—!</p> + + <p>[<i>The remainder of the gallant</i> Sergeant's <i>observations are + not necessary for publication, neither would they be accepted as a + guarantee of his good faith. Exit to recruit.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>"THE RING AND THE BOOK."</h3> + + <div class="figright" style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/120b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120b.png" + alt="As practised at Eton." /></a> + </div> + <p>FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of <i>The Battle of + Waterloo</i> and <i>Scenes in the Circle</i>, with the once-renowned + WIDDICOMB as Master of the Ring, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has ever been + particularly fond of the old-fashioned equestrian entertainment. The Ring + to which he has just made allusion is, it need hardly be added, The + Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE READE. <i>Mr. P.</i> is not + sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in which the chances of + danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against the performer; and + especially does he object to children of very tender years being utilised + in order to earn money for their parents or guardians by exhibiting their + precocious agility. <i>Mr. P.</i> approves of the ancient use of the + birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is quite of + the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the rod; + which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously + applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern + Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going + so utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as + corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in + or out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for + this circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances. + Does <i>Mr. Punch</i>, representing the public generally, quite approve + of this portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return + only a qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural + but extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the + method of training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it + altogether: and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public + appearance until they were at least sixteen; their previous training + having been under the supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to + the training of animals for the circus business. If the training system + means "all done by kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just + application of a considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards + and punishments, then <i>Mr. P.</i> approves; but where cruelty comes in, + whether in the training of child or beast, <i>Mr. Punch</i> would have + such trainer of youth punished as <i>Nicholas Nickleby</i> punished + <i>Squeers</i>, in addition to imprisonment and fine; and for cruelty to + dumb animals <i>Mr. P.</i> would order the garotter's punishment and + plenty of it. Having professed this faith, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, after thus + "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would like to + know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story entitled, + <i>Slaves of the Sawdust</i>? As literature it is poor stuff, but as + written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged + systematic cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the + circus-equestrian acrobatic life, the book should not only attract + general notice, but should also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to + some united action of all responsible circus-managers against the author + of this work, which would result in either the said managers or the + authoress being "brought to book." <i>Mr. Punch</i> hath spoken. <i>Verb. + sap.</i></p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figleft" style="margin-bottom:8em"> <img src="images/pointer.png" alt="pointer" /> </div> + <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</b></p><br clear="all" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14483-h/images/109a.png b/14483-h/images/109a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ab8680 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/109a.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/109b.png b/14483-h/images/109b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..02a06a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/109b.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/109c.png b/14483-h/images/109c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c66ce0d --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/109c.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/110.png b/14483-h/images/110.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2654442 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/110.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/111.png b/14483-h/images/111.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8957c25 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/111.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/112.png b/14483-h/images/112.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f20a70e --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/112.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/113.png b/14483-h/images/113.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f004ac3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/113.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/114.png b/14483-h/images/114.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f44eba8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/114.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/115.png b/14483-h/images/115.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d995fd1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/115.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/117a.png b/14483-h/images/117a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f011d0f --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/117a.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/117b.png b/14483-h/images/117b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..82fa559 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/117b.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/118.png b/14483-h/images/118.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f64c14c --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/118.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/119.png b/14483-h/images/119.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5580e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/119.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/120a.png b/14483-h/images/120a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4b21d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/120a.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/120b.png b/14483-h/images/120b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e5bc3e --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/120b.png diff --git a/14483-h/images/pointer.png b/14483-h/images/pointer.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a7b795 --- /dev/null +++ b/14483-h/images/pointer.png |
