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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+March 5th, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.
+
+    Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a rattling refrain
+    or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always popular. What wonder
+    clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_!" is all the rage?
+    "Her greatest creation" (_vide_ advertisements), "sung and danced with
+    the utmost _verve_," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to
+    attach a meaning to it? Let us try:--
+
+No. VI.--THAT'S HOW WE BOOM TO-DAY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+              I.
+
+  A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be
+  To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety;
+  Not too strict, of swagger free,
+  And as "fly" as "fly" can be.
+  Ever pushing, ever bold,
+  (Else one's left "out in the cold")
+  Thus Success you grasp, and hold.
+  And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,--
+
+              _Chorus._
+
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+      That's how we "boom" to-day!
+      Bra-va! We "boom" to-day!
+      Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_And so on, six times or more._
+
+              II.
+
+  All want to "Boom." But don't be shy,
+  For modesty is all my eye.
+  Shun all reserve, if you would try
+  For "paying" notoriety.
+  If you would "make your pile" in haste,
+  You must not bother about "taste."
+  _Every_ chance must be embraced,
+  If you would sing when fairly "placed,"
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Over and over again._
+
+              III.
+
+  Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far
+  Than 'twas of old to be a Star.
+  Hit on some trick crepuscular,
+  Like smudge or smoke, and there you are!
+  They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So
+  You're sure--in time--to be a go.
+  You will catch on, and sell, although
+  Your meaning not a soul may know,--
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!
+              [_Ad libitum._
+
+              IV.
+
+  If Humour is your little line,
+  Coherent sense you must resign,
+  Cry, "Paradox alone's divine!
+  LAMB had _his_ manner, _this_ is Mine!"
+  Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone
+  Of mirth till all the marrow's gone;
+  And crowds, who first stared like a stone,
+  Your "subtle genius" soon will own.
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Ad nauseam._
+
+              V.
+
+  Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred?
+  There you may "boom" it like a bird.
+  Turn on the Absolute-Absurd;
+  By that strange tap the mob is stirred.
+  Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim;
+  Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim,
+  Anything meaning morbid whim;
+  Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what _vim_!"
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!
+              [_As long as you like_!
+
+              VI.
+
+  Or would you even higher fly,
+  And found a "Cult"? You've but to try.
+  That blend fools follow in full cry,
+  Meaninglessness _plus_ Mystery!
+  A witch astride upon a broom,
+  A bogie in a darkened room,
+  Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,--
+  Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"!
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Till you are tired of it._
+
+              VII.
+
+  Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent.,
+  With that Big Drum, Advertisement.
+  Nonsense, with _nous_ discreetly blent,
+  Finds the world cheated--and content.
+  But "make your game" while yet there's room,
+  For novel shapes of quackery. Doom
+  Awaits us in the outer gloom:
+  A day _may_ come when Bosh _won't_ "Boom"!
+
+              _Chorus._
+      That's how we "boom" to-day!
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+      Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day!
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_And so on till further orders._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ASSISTED EDUCATION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants to his Chief,
+"Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the memory of CHARLES
+DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr. LAWRENCE HUTTON who
+has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE & CO. who publish, a series of letters
+addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They bear date between the years 1851
+and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S papers after his death, and prove not
+the least precious of his possessions. _Foster's Life of Dickens_ will
+undoubtedly remain the medium through which the outer world shall know the
+great novelist." "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way
+in which admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd
+among us. You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your
+observations interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed
+continued. "But, Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste
+those volumes leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many
+of the letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase
+of his character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with
+some tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little
+volume of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best,
+whether as a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work."
+
+BARON DE BOOKWORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION."
+
+(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND. "WITH
+RAVISHED EARS, THE MONARCH HEARS, ASSUMES THE GOD, AFFECTS TO NOD, AND
+SEEMS TO SHAKE THE SPHERES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE.
+
+_Cousin Madge._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. SO MANY THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF
+US!"          _Charlie._ "_NOT AT ALL_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST
+
+OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.
+
+(_An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long way after Dryden._)
+
+    ["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN EMPEROR said:--
+    'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally attends me in my
+    work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my task, and to
+    advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this are added
+    the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my
+    unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and
+    Dennewitz, will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite
+    pains with our ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot
+    suppose he has done this for no purpose.... My course is the right one,
+    and it will be persevered in."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+  'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set
+      For Providence's pet:
+      Aloft in Teuton state
+      The god-like hero sate
+          On his Imperial throne:
+    His Brandenburgers listened round,
+    Appreciative of the Power of Sound;
+    All admire shouting--when the Shouter's crowned!
+      The Jovian Eagle at his side
+      Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed
+      The Olympian hero in his pride.
+
+  Happy, happy, happy Chief!
+      None but the loud,
+      None but the loud,
+  From the crass crowd may win belief!
+  His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled,
+  And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World!
+    The listening crowd admire the lofty sound.
+    "A present deity!" they shout around.
+    "A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound.
+      With ravished ears,
+      The monarch hears,
+        Assumes the god,
+        Affects to nod,
+      And seems to shake the spheres!
+
+  In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke,
+    In language like a huge thrasonic joke.
+    The newest god in triumph comes;
+    Blare the trumpets, thump the drums:
+    Flushed with a purple grace,
+    He lifts his Jovian face!
+  Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes!
+  New ALEXANDER fair and young,
+  Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again
+      To Brandenburg, that treasure
+      Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure,
+      Rich the treasure,
+      Sweet the pleasure,
+    Which to the gods has given such pain!
+
+  Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain,
+  Fights all his battles o'er again;
+  'Twas Heaven that routed all _his_ foes, Olympus slew _his_ slain.
+    _He_ has the greatest of allies!
+    Doubters are dastards in _his_ eyes,
+    And grumblers at their deified
+    Young Emperor in his proper pride.
+      Should shake from their false shoes
+      Germania's dust. The Muse
+    Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good,
+      By a benignant fate
+      Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted,
+      Lifted to a god's estate,
+          Olympian in his mood:
+
+    *     *     *     *     *
+
+  The mighty Master smiled to see,
+  Infant-in-Arms, young Germany,
+  Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap,
+  And, quite a promising young chap,
+  Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle,
+  And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle,
+    Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles,
+    Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles,
+    A tremendous time beginning;
+      Fighting still, all foes destroying:--
+      "A world-empire's worth the winning!
+      Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying.
+        The new god now sits beside ye,
+        Take the gifts he will provide ye!
+        He's your young Orbilian schooler,
+        Your Hereditary Ruler!"
+  (The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.)
+  "_My_ course is right, and glorious is _my_ Cause!!!"
+    The Prince, the god unable to restrain,
+        Rose from his chair,
+        With Jovian air,
+    And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care,
+    What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare,
+    The nectar gulped again and yet again:
+  Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on,
+  Voted himself the New God--Jupiter-(G)Ammon!
+
+    *     *     *     *     *
+
+        "Let ALEXANDER yield the prize
+          To WILHELM of the Iron Crown;
+        _He_ raised himself unto the skies,
+          _I_ bring Olympus _down_!!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+No. XI.--TO PLAUSIBILITY.
+
+MY DEAR PLAU,
+
+I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the pleasure
+I have received during my life from the society of your friends and
+_protégés_. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money advantages.
+Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be found that in
+these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still due to me. Who
+knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose here and there I
+did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to indulge these
+gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had conquered me. No. What
+I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have derived from some of the
+finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the boards) that the world ever
+saw, acting in which I protest that the tears, the sighs, the misery, the
+gallantry, the courage, the loyal sentiments and the honourable promises
+all rang with so sincere a sound that the very actor himself was subdued
+like the dyer's hand to the colours he worked in, until he believed himself
+to be the most unjustly persecuted of mankind, the most upright of
+gentlemen, or whatever the special emotion he simulated required that he
+should seem to be for the moment. That he might possibly be what, as a
+matter of fact, he often was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at
+the time. He was evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in
+any case they could not spoil my æsthetic enjoyment of a notable
+performance. And after all who is to undertake to draw the line between the
+good man and the bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced
+that they were admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery;
+somewhere in the backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of
+intellectual implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened,
+ever came to open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious
+owners of it passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and
+their actions still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of
+course, were not so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them,
+revealed them to themselves and others, and in many cases only left them,
+alas, after cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave
+these divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I
+rather wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and
+the chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old
+friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have heard
+of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement, and
+retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST--LEONIDAS MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST
+he had been christened by a warlike father, whose military aspirations had
+been crushed by the necessity for a commercial career, and who had taken it
+out of fate by devoting his son to heroism at the baptismal font, and by
+subsequently buying him a commission in a crack regiment--General TEMPEST
+was, in the days of which I speak, a hospitable veteran whose amiability
+and good-nature had survived many severe campaigns in which he had taken
+and given hard knocks wherever hard knocks were to be found. His
+benevolence and hospitality were proverbial far beyond the limits of
+Dansington, and his daughter CLARA was one of the prettiest girls in the
+United Kingdom.
+
+On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical WILFRID
+COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a fortnight, I
+learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and had made
+himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they got to know
+him I never quite discovered--indeed, I doubt if any of them could have
+told me--and as to his previous history all they seemed to know was that
+his father had property "somewhere in the West of England," that he himself
+had travelled a great deal, and was now close upon thirty years old. I am
+free to admit that after my first dinner in his company I had very little
+inclination to worry myself about the details of his past, so cheerful and
+fascinating did I find his gay companionship. I cannot quite explain the
+charm of the man. He had a roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion,
+and a laugh that seemed to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to
+carry those who heard it in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what
+stories the fellow could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual
+convulsions, and even ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth,
+much weighed down by the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford,
+was pleased to unbend and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the
+wizard COBBYN.
+
+One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to repeat it
+as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a certain
+travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania. It was a
+story that never seemed to cease,--a bad recommendation for most stories, I
+admit; but in this case so artfully and with such surprising humour and
+force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long series of ludicrous
+sufferings culminating in the total loss of the sufferer's clothes and his
+involuntary appearance in the full uniform of a Turkish Zaptieh, with other
+surprising and endless episodes, that at the last we had in the midst of
+our gasps of helpless laughter to implore the narrator to stop for the sake
+of our sides and the resounding rafters of the General's house.
+
+At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as the
+gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some deathless
+story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved from
+disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our imaginations,
+which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower flights, soared
+obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible romance. Nor did he
+stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of old-world punctilio, but
+before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN, of whom he knew nothing
+except what COBBYN told him, to all the best people in Dansington; nor
+shall I ever forget the air with which this glorious rascal took the portly
+old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her second supper at the County Ball. He
+rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's
+ancient retainer went on his many errands, and neither the General nor his
+man saw anything out of the way in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I
+thought, with some favour--but as CLARA always breaks into indignant
+denials whenever this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the
+members of the Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises.
+The young sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks
+repeated to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an
+uncommon good fellow, by Gad."
+
+To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering politeness
+which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade cleverer and
+sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day before my
+departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me and writing my
+London address with much ceremony on the back of an envelope, which I
+afterwards found lying about in a passage of the General's house.
+
+Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had gone
+away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and the
+Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the result
+was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely foolish,
+and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM SPINDLE,
+who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of
+DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income
+with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for £1,000. Sir
+PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him
+£500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put £300 into the
+Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been the
+managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had fleeced
+all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the clouds.
+How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered the avarice
+of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of PACKTHREAD, and
+subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known. Partly, no doubt,
+he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful and candid. He
+_was_ the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the father had long since
+ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he had really travelled
+and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts were his good-humour,
+his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue that gained for him the
+trusting confidence of his victims almost before he himself knew that he
+meant to victimise them.
+
+They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America.
+Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular--for a time.
+
+Goodbye, dear old PLAU!
+                I hope I haven't bored you.
+                                Yours trustfully,
+                                                DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY.
+
+    SCENE--_A Theatre with Audience and Company complete. The former
+    "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking forward to
+    the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but over._
+
+_Servant_ (_to_ Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in the Hall. May she
+come up?
+
+_Countess._ Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?
+
+_Servant_ (_arranging his powdered hair in a glass_). Because in cases of
+exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up herself!
+
+_Countess_ (_smiling_). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not know that
+cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is more than
+half found out?
+
+_Servant_ (_taking up coal scuttle_). Like the hair of your Lady-ship--out
+of curl!           [_Exit._
+
+_Countess._ A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me avoid him. A
+married man is quite out of date--save when he forms the subject of his own
+obituary.           [_Exit._
+
+_A pause. Enter the_ Duchess of BATTERSEA.
+
+_Duchess._ Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke with me,
+after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his head when
+he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to catch a
+'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me--where's the difference?
+
+_Enter_ Earl PENNYPLAINE.
+
+_Earl_ (_angrily_). You here!
+
+_Duchess_ (_with an appealing gesture_). You are not pleased to see me! You
+regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A past unblessed
+by a clergyman--in fact, a past without a pastor!
+
+_Earl._ Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no home for
+old jokes!
+
+_Duchess._ You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you so badly?
+Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival? Why I have
+blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds? Do you know
+why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. Because I am your
+Mother-in-law!
+
+_Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first!
+
+_Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.
+
+QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!
+
+_Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author,
+Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq._
+
+["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies,
+pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half-
+smoked cigarette."--_Daily Telegraph._]]
+
+_Countess._ Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have
+brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take
+'em, and bless you!
+
+_Duchess_ (_overflowing with emotion_). My dear, this is too much.
+(_Weeps._) You un_woman_--I should say un_lady_--me!
+
+_Enter_ Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.
+
+_Lord T.C._ Come and marry me.
+
+_Duchess._ With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy!           [_Exeunt._
+
+_Earl._ And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings
+like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.
+
+_Quick Curtain._
+
+_Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and
+forefinger a lighted cigarette._
+
+_Author._ Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do
+what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a
+smoke myself. (_Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience à la_
+HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking
+jacket? Thank you! (_Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the
+presence of the audience._) And now I will have a chair. (_Stamps, when up
+comes through a trap a table supporting a lounge_), and a cup of tea.
+(_Another table appears through another trap, bringing up with it a tray
+and a five o'clock set._) And now I think we are comfortable. (_Helps
+himself to tea, smokes, &c._) I must tell you I think my piece excellent.
+And all the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I
+hope you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored
+with this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to
+catch a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a
+quarter of an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train--I repeat, as I
+have to catch a train--
+
+_Entire Audience._ And so have we!           [_Exeunt._ (_Thus the Play
+ends in smoke._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SAVE LONDON.
+
+(_Rather more than a Fairy Story._)
+
+JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the fact
+that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the coal
+dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter. He
+watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small creature
+appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and did not
+notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and began to
+address him.
+
+"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct
+voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you that,
+unless you wake up, you will come to grief."
+
+"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?"
+
+"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned the
+Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the chances
+are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording your vote."
+"What election?"
+
+"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the Members of
+the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on Saturday, the 5th of
+March, and will from that date remain in power for four years!"
+
+And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it was
+in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him seemed
+intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There were to be
+free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers' shops, free
+ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free boot-makers,
+free gas companies, free waterworks--in fact, everything was to be gratis.
+
+"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.
+
+"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the paymaster. You
+will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a commencement, with
+additional crowns to follow!"
+
+"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of genuine
+alarm.
+
+"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the
+Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."
+
+And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN SMITH
+found himself sprawling upon the floor.
+
+"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.
+
+And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling
+stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.
+
+At least it is to be hoped he will!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN.
+
+SCENE--_A Third-Class Carriage._       TIME--_Three Hours before the next
+Station._       DRAMATIS PERSONÆ--_Jones and Robinson._
+
+"IT'S THE _LAST_!--AND IT'S A TÄNDSTICKOR. IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!"
+
+"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;--BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL!"
+
+"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT OF WINDOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 21._--"What a day he _is_ having to be
+sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking across the table at the
+other eminent country gentleman who is our First Minister of Agriculture.
+
+Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height. Just
+the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew lurid
+picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with Small
+Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings, and
+recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's
+prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however entirely
+foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on contrary,
+made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right in both
+instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the conviction,
+still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct contradiction was
+peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman addressing the House,
+displaying a flexibility of genius not common to mankind.
+
+CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear. To-night,
+standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to swell
+wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the speech
+observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar strategic
+movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN was, so to
+speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.
+
+House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN,
+remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces
+uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of fifty-five
+minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general observations
+prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind of pompous
+platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old times, Members
+used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like the wedding
+guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed--though as PLUNKET reminds me,
+the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is not--the House could not help
+but hear. Once, when the orator dropped easily into autobiographical
+episode, described himself strolling about the fields of Lincolnshire,
+turning up a turnip here, drawing forth a casual carrot there, meditating
+on the days when
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YOUNGER THAN EVER!
+
+THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!--TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!--OVER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on his
+back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by permission
+of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a tankard of
+chill October--at this stage, it is true, there were signs of impatience
+amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about the Bill.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. G. dreams a Dream.]
+
+But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn
+prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could
+not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the Minister
+of Agriculture.
+
+_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill introduced.
+
+_Tuesday._--Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH and he of
+SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight; attracted by
+debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY couldn't restrain his
+astonishment at scene.
+
+"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he
+whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the
+outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them
+leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now, the
+House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches crowded;
+all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers filling
+the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than eighteen Members
+present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is demonstrating how much
+happier Wales is under the benediction of the Church than she would be
+without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST. ASAPH, of--er--well, of an
+eight o'clock morning service in inclement weather."
+
+"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I mean, in
+contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer in
+Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty benches,
+and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by the small
+congregation--which I may say finds eloquent expression on the face of our
+friend JOHN G. TALBOT--simply mean that they have heard all these speeches
+before, and have made up their minds on the subject. They are ready to
+vote, but they will not remain to hear the speeches. As you say, in such
+circumstances it would appear more businesslike to take the vote at once,
+and get along with other work. But that is unparliamentary. This will be
+kept going till there is just time left before the adjournment to divide.
+_Then_ you'll see how dear is this question to the hearts of our friends,
+and how virulent is the persistence of the adversary."
+
+Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten,
+Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the
+debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to see
+how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the Church, were
+careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the clerical white
+tie.
+
+"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at night,
+but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken. "I could
+wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front displayed, our
+friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that their coat-
+collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection, and the white
+tie at least indicates nice feeling."
+
+_Business done._--Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales negatived by 267
+Votes against 220.
+
+_Wednesday._--PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill, and, what's
+more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells me that,
+though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom over them.
+Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say, in casual way,
+"Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed, gone so far as
+commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These are now, of
+course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language not rich in
+provision of similar openings for wit.
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried. Rare opportunity
+for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.
+
+_Thursday._--MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords to-night. Asked
+the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment of Joint
+Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist in words;
+suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty; wouldn't
+say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious part of the
+Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed; hinted at rupture
+with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying that if Motion for
+Committee were submitted, he would do his best to induce their Lordships to
+adopt it.
+
+Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all about
+it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged their head
+in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in involved
+speech and well affected hesitation.
+
+MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat--I mean the fog, out of the
+bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government have made up
+their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This Joint Committee
+will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure based on its Report
+will be carried through both Houses; everything will be ready for return of
+unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.
+
+"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not unkindly.
+"But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's been in my
+mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little shrill; Free
+Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only so-so. The Fog's the
+thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to our standard, and with
+London at our back we can face the country."
+
+[Illustration: Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St.
+Raphael, the Riviera.]
+
+Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So completely is
+mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog problem, that
+to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE brought in Bill
+allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on for six hours; at
+end of that time discovered that whole proceedings irregular. As involving
+money question, introduction of Bill should have been preceded by
+Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate abruptly
+adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.
+
+"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win. This
+is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned as
+people think) in support of our new Fog policy."
+
+_Business done._--Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light looms behind the
+Fog.
+
+_Friday._--News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea. All his friends
+on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the Sunny South. No need
+whatever for his return; things going on admirably; not missed in the
+least; shocking weather here; better stay where he is.
+
+"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light
+flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
+getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in
+the slightest. Very well, then; _I'll go home._"
+
+MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY
+downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious dream.
+Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way, others
+another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G. leaping
+up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them back to
+Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for Unionist
+encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, distinctly saw one
+sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.
+
+"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning for a
+twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made up for
+the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or more
+watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son (which I
+admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better done to.
+Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud of his
+chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of me, and
+freshen me up. Fancy I've worn _him_ out; instead of his taking care of me,
+have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again within sound of Big Ben.
+Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well; but he'll have to tuck in
+his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's place."
+
+_Business done._--Miscellaneous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PASSING IT ON."
+
+_Rupert_ (_just back from School, where he has been tremendously fagged_).
+"LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU
+SHALL FINISH THE JAM--_WHEN I'VE QUITE DONE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.
+
+    ["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before, than to
+    do a wise thing that has never been tried."--_Mr. Balfour in the House
+    of Commons._]
+
+  HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,
+  He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.
+  All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;
+  Trousers we love when most they need repair,
+  Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,
+  And hats all crushed and battered into holes.
+  Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true,
+  Do all the vanished ages used to do.
+  We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,
+  And at the stake teach wretches to repent.
+  Clad _cap-à-pie_ in mail we'll face our foes,
+  And arm our British soldiery with bows.
+  Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,
+  The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.
+  Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,
+  Collect stupidities and do them all.
+  Uneducate our men, unplough our land,
+  Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;
+  Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,
+  Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.
+  Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,
+  And in a word call Chaos back again.
+  Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,
+  "Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.--Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at Oxford.
+Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under lock and
+screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought conjures
+up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on the other, and loyal
+Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round them. Never mind, BERNARD.
+It was a capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took
+care it should not be wasted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FUDGE FORMULA.
+
+  "To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."
+  That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;
+  Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses
+  In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."
+  He thinks that all efforts injustice to right
+  Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.
+  He might just as well urge that morality's rules
+  Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;
+  Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes
+  Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."--The Engineers of London and Birmingham have
+been requested, says the _Daily Telegraph_, to "lay their heads together,"
+so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be effected. This is an
+instance where to have "water on the brain" is absolutely necessary. Odd to
+think that in this "water difficulty" are contained all the elements of a
+burning question; so much so indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever
+enough to solve the problem without getting themselves into hot water, may
+confidently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding to
+"set the Thames on fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.--CURRENCY REFORM.--I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE
+EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I have all
+seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my
+lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This would
+form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN
+seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the
+new One Pound Notes, be--"_Quid, pro quo?_"--SLY-METALLIST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LONDON IN VENICE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HORACE IN LONDON.
+
+TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (_AD CHLORIN._)
+
+  FORBEAR this painted show to strut
+    Of girlish toilet, manner skittish:
+  It may be _Fin-de-Siècle_, but
+    It isn't British.
+
+  To dance, to swell the betting rank,
+    To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow;
+  To try to break your husband's bank
+    At Monte Carlo,
+
+  Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;"
+    The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,
+  If act you must is scarce the part
+    For sixty summers.
+
+  Let Age be decent: keep your hair
+    Confined, if nothing else, to one dye:
+  I'd rather see you, I declare,
+    Like Mrs. GRUNDY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.
+
+(_What it may come to._)
+
+    ["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and
+    compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they
+    do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."--_Daily
+    Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee._]
+
+SCENE--_A Public Place._
+
+Sergeant KITE _and a_ Possible Recruit _in conversation._
+
+_Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are
+exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.
+
+_Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I
+find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of
+six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of
+joining the Army unless I had the same.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must.
+Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose.
+
+_P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these
+useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which
+they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of
+private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should
+not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called
+before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to
+me at nine.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving-
+water! Oh, this is _too_ much!
+
+_P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are
+other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?
+
+_Sergeant K._ Feather-beds!
+
+_P.R._ Yes. A _sine quâ non_, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions,
+and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with
+liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with sarcasm_). And you would wish to retire at a week's
+notice if war were declared?
+
+_P.R._ (_surprised_). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my
+motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for
+civil employment?
+
+_Sergeant K._ No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You
+surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly
+counter-jumper?
+
+_P.R._ Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a
+shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do
+better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.
+
+_Sergeant K._ Any other point you would like to mention?
+
+_P.R._ Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get
+damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The
+principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so
+that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he
+probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him
+when we got back to England. You understand my point?
+
+_Sergeant K._ Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier
+present at the battle from suing also?
+
+_P.R._ Nothing at all. Of course they _would_ all sue. So no General must
+be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High
+Court at home security for costs if defeated,--say half a million or so.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with forced politeness_). Well, I'm glad to have heard your
+views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him.
+
+_P.R._ Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only
+remains open till to-morrow morning.
+
+_Sergeant K._ Oh--!
+
+[_The remainder of the gallant_ Sergeant's _observations are not necessary
+for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good
+faith. Exit to recruit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE RING AND THE BOOK."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of _The Battle of Waterloo_ and
+_Scenes in the Circle_, with the once-renowned WIDDICOMB as Master of the
+Ring, _Mr. Punch_ has ever been particularly fond of the old-fashioned
+equestrian entertainment. The Ring to which he has just made allusion is,
+it need hardly be added, The Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE
+READE. _Mr. P._ is not sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in
+which the chances of danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against
+the performer; and especially does he object to children of very tender
+years being utilised in order to earn money for their parents or guardians
+by exhibiting their precocious agility. _Mr. P._ approves of the ancient
+use of the birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is
+quite of the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the
+rod; which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously
+applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern
+Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going so
+utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as
+corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in or
+out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for this
+circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances. Does
+_Mr. Punch_, representing the public generally, quite approve of this
+portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return only a
+qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural but
+extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the method of
+training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it altogether:
+and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public appearance until
+they were at least sixteen; their previous training having been under the
+supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to the training of animals
+for the circus business. If the training system means "all done by
+kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just application of a
+considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards and punishments,
+then _Mr. P._ approves; but where cruelty comes in, whether in the training
+of child or beast, _Mr. Punch_ would have such trainer of youth punished as
+_Nicholas Nickleby_ punished _Squeers_, in addition to imprisonment and
+fine; and for cruelty to dumb animals _Mr. P._ would order the garotter's
+punishment and plenty of it. Having professed this faith, _Mr. Punch_,
+after thus "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would
+like to know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story
+entitled, _Slaves of the Sawdust_? As literature it is poor stuff, but as
+written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged systematic
+cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the circus-equestrian
+acrobatic life, the book should not only attract general notice, but should
+also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to some united action of all
+responsible circus-managers against the author of this work, which would
+result in either the said managers or the authoress being "brought to
+book." _Mr. Punch_ hath spoken. _Verb. sap._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, March 5, 1892, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 ***
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+  <title>Punch, March 5th, 1892.</title>
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+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 ***</div>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 102.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>March 5th, 1892.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span>
+
+<h3>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a
+  rattling refrain or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always
+  popular. What wonder clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S
+  "<i>Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay</i>!" is all the rage? "Her greatest creation"
+  (<i>vide</i> advertisements), "sung and danced with the utmost
+  <i>verve</i>," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to attach a
+  meaning to it? Let us try:&mdash;</blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">No. VI.&mdash;THAT'S HOW WE
+BOOM TO-DAY!</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/109a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109a.png"
+      alt="Tra-la! We boom to-day!" /></a>
+  </div>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">I.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be</p>
+      <p>To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety;</p>
+      <p>Not too strict, of swagger free,</p>
+      <p>And as "fly" as "fly" can be.</p>
+      <p>Ever pushing, ever bold,</p>
+      <p>(Else one's left "out in the cold")</p>
+      <p>Thus Success you grasp, and hold.</p>
+      <p>And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,&mdash;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12"><i>Chorus.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">That's how we "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Bra-va! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>And so on, six times or more.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">II.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>All want to "Boom." But don't be shy,</p>
+      <p>For modesty is all my eye.</p>
+      <p>Shun all reserve, if you would try</p>
+      <p>For "paying" notoriety.</p>
+      <p>If you would "make your pile" in haste,</p>
+      <p>You must not bother about "taste."</p>
+      <p><i>Every</i> chance must be embraced,</p>
+      <p>If you would sing when fairly "placed,"</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Over and over again.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">III.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far</p>
+      <p>Than 'twas of old to be a Star.</p>
+      <p>Hit on some trick crepuscular,</p>
+      <p>Like smudge or smoke, and there you are!</p>
+      <p>They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So</p>
+      <p>You're sure&mdash;in time&mdash;to be a go.</p>
+      <p>You will catch on, and sell, although</p>
+      <p>Your meaning not a soul may know,&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Ad libitum.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">IV.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>If Humour is your little line,</p>
+      <p>Coherent sense you must resign,</p>
+      <p>Cry, "Paradox alone's divine!</p>
+      <p>LAMB had <i>his</i> manner, <i>this</i> is Mine!"</p>
+      <p>Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone</p>
+      <p>Of mirth till all the marrow's gone;</p>
+      <p>And crowds, who first stared like a stone,</p>
+      <p>Your "subtle genius" soon will own.</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Ad nauseam.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">V.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred?</p>
+      <p>There you may "boom" it like a bird.</p>
+      <p>Turn on the Absolute-Absurd;</p>
+      <p>By that strange tap the mob is stirred.</p>
+      <p>Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim;</p>
+      <p>Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim,</p>
+      <p>Anything meaning morbid whim;</p>
+      <p>Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what <i>vim</i>!"</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>As long as you like</i>!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">VI.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Or would you even higher fly,</p>
+      <p>And found a "Cult"? You've but to try.</p>
+      <p>That blend fools follow in full cry,</p>
+      <p>Meaninglessness <i>plus</i> Mystery!</p>
+      <p>A witch astride upon a broom,</p>
+      <p>A bogie in a darkened room,</p>
+      <p>Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"!</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Till you are tired of it.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">VII.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent.,</p>
+      <p>With that Big Drum, Advertisement.</p>
+      <p>Nonsense, with <i>nous</i> discreetly blent,</p>
+      <p>Finds the world cheated&mdash;and content.</p>
+      <p>But "make your game" while yet there's room,</p>
+      <p>For novel shapes of quackery. Doom</p>
+      <p>Awaits us in the outer gloom:</p>
+      <p>A day <i>may</i> come when Bosh <i>won't</i> "Boom"!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12"><i>Chorus.</i></p>
+      <p class="i4">That's how we "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>And so on till further orders.</i></p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/109b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109b.png"
+      alt="ASSISTED EDUCATION." /></a>
+    "ASSISTED EDUCATION."
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <p><b>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</b>&mdash;Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants
+  to his Chief, "Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the
+  memory of CHARLES DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr.
+  LAWRENCE HUTTON who has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE &amp; CO. who
+  publish, a series of letters addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They
+  bear date between the years 1851 and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S
+  papers after his death, and prove not the least precious of his
+  possessions. <i>Foster's Life of Dickens</i> will undoubtedly remain the
+  medium through which the outer world shall know the great novelist."
+  "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way in which
+  admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd among us.
+  You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your observations
+  interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed continued. "But,
+  Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste those volumes
+  leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many of the
+  letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase of his
+  character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with some
+  tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little volume
+  of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best, whether as
+  a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work."</p>
+
+  <p>BARON DE BOOKWORMS &amp; CO.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/109c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109c.png"
+      alt="JOINT OCCUPATION." /></a>
+    <p class="center">"JOINT OCCUPATION."</p>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt.</i>)</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/110.png"><img width="100%" src="images/110.png"
+      alt="THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND." /></a>
+    <h3>THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.</h3> <p
+    class="center">"WITH RAVISHED EARS,</p> <p class="center">THE MONARCH
+    HEARS,</p> <p class="center">ASSUMES THE GOD,</p> <p
+    class="center">AFFECTS TO NOD,</p> <p class="center">AND SEEMS TO SHAKE
+    THE SPHERES!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png"
+      alt="QUITE UP TO DATE." /></a>
+    <h3>QUITE UP TO DATE.</h3>
+
+    <i>Cousin Madge.</i> "WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. SO MANY THANKS FOR
+    TAKING CARE OF US!"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Charlie.</i> "<i>NOT AT ALL</i>!"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST</h3>
+
+<p class="center">OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long
+way after Dryden.</i>)</p>
+
+  <blockquote>["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN
+  EMPEROR said:&mdash;'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally
+  attends me in my work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my
+  task, and to advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this
+  are added the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my
+  unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and Dennewitz,
+  will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite pains with our
+  ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot suppose he has done
+  this for no purpose.... My course is the right one, and it will be
+  persevered in."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set</p>
+      <p class="i4">For Providence's pet:</p>
+      <p class="i4">Aloft in Teuton state</p>
+      <p class="i4">The god-like hero sate</p>
+      <p class="i8">On his Imperial throne:</p>
+      <p class="i2">His Brandenburgers listened round,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Appreciative of the Power of Sound;</p>
+      <p class="i2">All admire shouting&mdash;when the Shouter's crowned!</p>
+      <p class="i4">The Jovian Eagle at his side</p>
+      <p class="i4">Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed</p>
+      <p class="i4">The Olympian hero in his pride.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Happy, happy, happy Chief!</p>
+      <p class="i4">None but the loud,</p>
+      <p class="i4">None but the loud,</p>
+      <p>From the crass crowd may win belief!</p>
+      <p>His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled,</p>
+      <p>And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World!</p>
+      <p class="i2">The listening crowd admire the lofty sound.</p>
+      <p class="i2">"A present deity!" they shout around.</p>
+      <p class="i2">"A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound.</p>
+      <p class="i4">With ravished ears,</p>
+      <p class="i4">The monarch hears,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Assumes the god,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Affects to nod,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And seems to shake the spheres!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke,</p>
+      <p class="i2">In language like a huge thrasonic joke.</p>
+      <p class="i2">The newest god in triumph comes;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Blare the trumpets, thump the drums:</p>
+      <p class="i2">Flushed with a purple grace,</p>
+      <p class="i2">He lifts his Jovian face!</p>
+      <p>Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes!</p>
+      <p>New ALEXANDER fair and young,</p>
+      <p>Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again</p>
+      <p class="i4">To Brandenburg, that treasure</p>
+      <p class="i4">Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Rich the treasure,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Sweet the pleasure,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Which to the gods has given such pain!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain,</p>
+      <p>Fights all his battles o'er again;</p>
+      <p>'Twas Heaven that routed all <i>his</i> foes, Olympus slew <i>his</i> slain.</p>
+      <p class="i2"><i>He</i> has the greatest of allies!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Doubters are dastards in <i>his</i> eyes,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And grumblers at their deified</p>
+      <p class="i2">Young Emperor in his proper pride.</p>
+      <p class="i4">Should shake from their false shoes</p>
+      <p class="i4">Germania's dust. The Muse</p>
+      <p class="i2">Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good,</p>
+      <p class="i4">By a benignant fate</p>
+      <p class="i4">Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Lifted to a god's estate,</p>
+      <p class="i8">Olympian in his mood:</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The mighty Master smiled to see,</p>
+      <p>Infant-in-Arms, young Germany,</p>
+      <p>Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap,</p>
+      <p>And, quite a promising young chap,</p>
+      <p>Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle,</p>
+      <p>And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles,</p>
+      <p class="i2">A tremendous time beginning;</p>
+      <p class="i4">Fighting still, all foes destroying:&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i4">"A world-empire's worth the winning!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying.</p>
+      <p class="i6">The new god now sits beside ye,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Take the gifts he will provide ye!</p>
+      <p class="i6">He's your young Orbilian schooler,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Your Hereditary Ruler!"</p>
+      <p>(The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.)</p>
+      <p>"<i>My</i> course is right, and glorious is <i>my</i> Cause!!!"</p>
+      <p class="i2">The Prince, the god unable to restrain,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Rose from his chair,</p>
+      <p class="i6">With Jovian air,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care,</p>
+      <p class="i2">What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare,</p>
+      <p class="i2">The nectar gulped again and yet again:</p>
+      <p>Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on,</p>
+      <p>Voted himself the New God&mdash;Jupiter-(G)Ammon!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i6">"Let ALEXANDER yield the prize</p>
+      <p class="i8">To WILHELM of the Iron Crown;</p>
+      <p class="i6"><i>He</i> raised himself unto the skies,</p>
+      <p class="i8"><i>I</i> bring Olympus <i>down</i>!!!"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page112" id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span>
+
+<h3>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">No. XI.&mdash;TO PLAUSIBILITY.</p>
+
+  <p>MY DEAR PLAU,</p>
+
+  <p>I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the
+  pleasure I have received during my life from the society of your friends
+  and <i>protégés</i>. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money
+  advantages. Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be
+  found that in these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still
+  due to me. Who knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose
+  here and there I did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to
+  indulge these gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had
+  conquered me. No. What I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have
+  derived from some of the finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the
+  boards) that the world ever saw, acting in which I protest that the
+  tears, the sighs, the misery, the gallantry, the courage, the loyal
+  sentiments and the honourable promises all rang with so sincere a sound
+  that the very actor himself was subdued like the dyer's hand to the
+  colours he worked in, until he believed himself to be the most unjustly
+  persecuted of mankind, the most upright of gentlemen, or whatever the
+  special emotion he simulated required that he should seem to be for the
+  moment. That he might possibly be what, as a matter of fact, he often
+  was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at the time. He was
+  evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in any case they
+  could not spoil my æsthetic enjoyment of a notable performance. And after
+  all who is to undertake to draw the line between the good man and the
+  bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced that they were
+  admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery; somewhere in the
+  backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of intellectual
+  implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened, ever came to
+  open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious owners of it
+  passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and their actions
+  still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of course, were not
+  so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them, revealed them to
+  themselves and others, and in many cases only left them, alas, after
+  cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave these
+  divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I rather
+  wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and the
+  chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <a href="images/112.png"><img width="100%" src="images/112.png"
+      alt="Mr Wilfrid Cobbyn." /></a>
+  </div>
+  <p>I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old
+  friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have
+  heard of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement,
+  and retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST&mdash;LEONIDAS
+  MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST he had been christened by a warlike father, whose
+  military aspirations had been crushed by the necessity for a commercial
+  career, and who had taken it out of fate by devoting his son to heroism
+  at the baptismal font, and by subsequently buying him a commission in a
+  crack regiment&mdash;General TEMPEST was, in the days of which I speak, a
+  hospitable veteran whose amiability and good-nature had survived many
+  severe campaigns in which he had taken and given hard knocks wherever
+  hard knocks were to be found. His benevolence and hospitality were
+  proverbial far beyond the limits of Dansington, and his daughter CLARA
+  was one of the prettiest girls in the United Kingdom.</p>
+
+  <p>On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical
+  WILFRID COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a
+  fortnight, I learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and
+  had made himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they
+  got to know him I never quite discovered&mdash;indeed, I doubt if any of
+  them could have told me&mdash;and as to his previous history all they
+  seemed to know was that his father had property "somewhere in the West of
+  England," that he himself had travelled a great deal, and was now close
+  upon thirty years old. I am free to admit that after my first dinner in
+  his company I had very little inclination to worry myself about the
+  details of his past, so cheerful and fascinating did I find his gay
+  companionship. I cannot quite explain the charm of the man. He had a
+  roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion, and a laugh that seemed
+  to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to carry those who heard it
+  in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what stories the fellow
+  could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual convulsions, and even
+  ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth, much weighed down by
+  the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford, was pleased to unbend
+  and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the wizard COBBYN.</p>
+
+  <p>One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to
+  repeat it as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a
+  certain travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania.
+  It was a story that never seemed to cease,&mdash;a bad recommendation for
+  most stories, I admit; but in this case so artfully and with such
+  surprising humour and force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long
+  series of ludicrous sufferings culminating in the total loss of the
+  sufferer's clothes and his involuntary appearance in the full uniform of
+  a Turkish Zaptieh, with other surprising and endless episodes, that at
+  the last we had in the midst of our gasps of helpless laughter to implore
+  the narrator to stop for the sake of our sides and the resounding rafters
+  of the General's house.</p>
+
+  <p>At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as
+  the gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some
+  deathless story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved
+  from disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our
+  imaginations, which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower
+  flights, soared obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible
+  romance. Nor did he stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of
+  old-world punctilio, but before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN,
+  of whom he knew nothing except what COBBYN told him, to all the best
+  people in Dansington; nor shall I ever forget the air with which this
+  glorious rascal took the portly old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her
+  second supper at the County Ball. He rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and
+  ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's ancient retainer went on his many
+  errands, and neither the General nor his man saw anything out of the way
+  in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I thought, with some
+  favour&mdash;but as CLARA always breaks into indignant denials whenever
+  this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the members of the
+  Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises. The young
+  sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks repeated
+  to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an uncommon
+  good fellow, by Gad."</p>
+
+  <p>To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering
+  politeness which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade
+  cleverer and sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day
+  before my departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me
+  and writing my London address with much ceremony on the back of an
+  envelope, which I afterwards found lying about in a passage of the
+  General's house.</p>
+
+  <p>Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had
+  gone away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and
+  the Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the
+  result was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely
+  foolish, and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM
+  SPINDLE, who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of
+  DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income
+  with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for £1,000. Sir
+  PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him
+  £500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put £300 into
+  the Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been
+  the managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had
+  fleeced all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the
+  clouds. How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered
+  the avarice of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of
+  PACKTHREAD, and subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known.
+  Partly, no doubt, he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful
+  and candid. He <i>was</i> the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the
+  father had long since ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he
+  had really travelled and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts
+  were his good-humour, his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue
+  that gained for him the trusting confidence of his victims almost before
+  he himself knew that he meant to victimise them.</p>
+
+  <p>They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America.
+  Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular&mdash;for a time.</p>
+
+  <p>Goodbye, dear old PLAU!</p>
+
+  <p class="i16" style="margin-top: -1em;">I hope I haven't bored you.</p>
+
+<p class="center" style="margin-top: -1em;">Yours trustfully,</p>
+
+<p class="author">DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span>
+
+<h3>A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>SCENE&mdash;<i>A Theatre with Audience and Company complete.
+  The former "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking
+  forward to the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but
+  over.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>to</i> Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in
+  the Hall. May she come up?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess.</i> Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>arranging his powdered hair in a glass</i>).
+  Because in cases of exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up
+  herself!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess</i> (<i>smiling</i>). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not
+  know that cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is
+  more than half found out?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>taking up coal scuttle</i>). Like the hair of your
+  Lady-ship&mdash;out of curl!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess.</i> A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me
+  avoid him. A married man is quite out of date&mdash;save when he forms
+  the subject of his own obituary.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>A pause. Enter the</i> Duchess of BATTERSEA.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess.</i> Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke
+  with me, after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his
+  head when he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to
+  catch a 'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me&mdash;where's the
+  difference?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Enter</i> Earl PENNYPLAINE.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Earl</i> (<i>angrily</i>). You here!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess</i> (<i>with an appealing gesture</i>). You are not pleased
+  to see me! You regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A
+  past unblessed by a clergyman&mdash;in fact, a past without a pastor!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Earl.</i> Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no
+  home for old jokes!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess.</i> You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you
+  so badly? Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a
+  rival? Why I have blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of
+  pounds? Do you know why I have done all this and more? I will tell you.
+  Because I am your Mother-in-law!</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+    <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>
+
+	  <a href="images/113.png"><img width="100%" src="images/113.png"
+      alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a>
+
+    <p class="center">QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic
+    author, Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq.</i></p>
+
+    <p>["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of
+    ladies, pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning
+    and half-smoked cigarette."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p>
+  </div>
+
+  <p><i>Earl</i> (<i>in a choking voice</i>). I suspected as much from the
+  very first!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Re-enter the</i> Countess, <i>carrying a heap of family
+  portraits.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess.</i> Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I
+  have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his
+  predecessors. Take 'em, and bless you!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess</i> (<i>overflowing with emotion</i>). My dear, this is too
+  much. (<i>Weeps.</i>) You un<i>woman</i>&mdash;I should say
+  un<i>lady</i>&mdash;me!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Enter</i> Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Lord T.C.</i> Come and marry me.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess.</i> With pleasure!
+  Lawks-a-mussy!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Earl.</i> And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the
+  moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Quick Curtain.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his
+thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Author.</i> Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion
+  nowadays to do what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco
+  while I enjoy a smoke myself. (<i>Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst
+  the audience à la</i> HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my
+  tail-coat for a smoking jacket? Thank you! (<i>Makes the necessary
+  alteration of costume in the presence of the audience.</i>) And now I
+  will have a chair. (<i>Stamps, when up comes through a trap a table
+  supporting a lounge</i>), and a cup of tea. (<i>Another table appears
+  through another trap, bringing up with it a tray and a five o'clock
+  set.</i>) And now I think we are comfortable. (<i>Helps himself to tea,
+  smokes, &amp;c.</i>) I must tell you I think my piece excellent. And all
+  the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I hope
+  you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored with
+  this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to catch
+  a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a quarter of
+  an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train&mdash;I repeat, as I have
+  to catch a train&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>Entire Audience.</i> And so have we!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt.</i> (<i>Thus the Play ends in
+  smoke.</i>)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOW TO SAVE LONDON.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Rather more than a Fairy Story.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the
+  fact that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the
+  coal dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter.
+  He watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small
+  creature appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and
+  did not notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and
+  began to address him.</p>
+
+  <p>"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct
+  voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you
+  that, unless you wake up, you will come to grief."</p>
+
+  <p>"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned
+  the Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the
+  chances are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording
+  your vote." "What election?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the
+  Members of the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on
+  Saturday, the 5th of March, and will from that date remain in power for
+  four years!"</p>
+
+  <p>And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it
+  was in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him
+  seemed intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There
+  were to be free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers'
+  shops, free ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free
+  boot-makers, free gas companies, free waterworks&mdash;in fact,
+  everything was to be gratis.</p>
+
+  <p>"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the
+  paymaster. You will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a
+  commencement, with additional crowns to follow!"</p>
+
+  <p>"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of
+  genuine alarm.</p>
+
+  <p>"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the
+  Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."</p>
+
+  <p>And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN
+  SMITH found himself sprawling upon the floor.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.</p>
+
+  <p>And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling
+  stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.</p>
+
+  <p>At least it is to be hoped he will!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/114.png"><img width="100%" src="images/114.png"
+      alt="A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN." /></a>
+    <h3>A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">SCENE&mdash;<i>A Third-Class Carriage.</i> &nbsp;
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; TIME&mdash;<i>Three Hours before the next
+    Station.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; DRAMATIS PERSONÆ&mdash;
+    <i>Jones and Robinson.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center">"IT'S THE <i>LAST</i>!&mdash;AND IT'S A TÄNDSTICKOR.
+    IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;&mdash;BUT FOR HEAVEN'S
+    SAKE, BE CAREFUL!"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT
+    OF WINDOW!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+  <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 21.</i>&mdash;"What a day he
+  <i>is</i> having to be sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking
+  across the table at the other eminent country gentleman who is our First
+  Minister of Agriculture.</p>
+
+  <p>Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height.
+  Just the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew
+  lurid picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with
+  Small Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings,
+  and recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's
+  prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however
+  entirely foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on
+  contrary, made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right
+  in both instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the
+  conviction, still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct
+  contradiction was peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman
+  addressing the House, displaying a flexibility of genius not common to
+  mankind.</p>
+
+  <p>CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear.
+  To-night, standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to
+  swell wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the
+  speech observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar
+  strategic movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN
+  was, so to speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.</p>
+
+  <p>House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN,
+  remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces
+  uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of
+  fifty-five minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general
+  observations prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind
+  of pompous platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old
+  times, Members used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like
+  the wedding guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed&mdash;though as
+  PLUNKET reminds me, the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is
+  not&mdash;the House could not help but hear. Once, when the orator
+  dropped easily into autobiographical episode, described himself strolling
+  about the fields of Lincolnshire, turning up a turnip here, drawing forth
+  a casual carrot there, meditating on the days when</p>
+
+  <p>(<i>Continued page 117</i>)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/115.png"><img width="100%" src="images/115.png"
+      alt="YOUNGER THAN EVER!" /></a>
+    <h3>YOUNGER THAN EVER!</h3>
+
+    THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!&mdash;TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!&mdash;
+    OVER!!"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<!-- page116 blank -->
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span>
+
+  <p>every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on
+  his back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by
+  permission of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a
+  tankard of chill October&mdash;at this stage, it is true, there were
+  signs of impatience amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about
+  the Bill.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:60%;">
+      <a href="images/117a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117a.png"
+      alt="Mr. G. dreams a Dream." /></a>
+     Mr. G. dreams a Dream.
+  </div>
+  <p>But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn
+  prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could
+  not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the
+  Minister of Agriculture.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Small Holdings Bill introduced.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH
+  and he of SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight;
+  attracted by debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY
+  couldn't restrain his astonishment at scene.</p>
+
+  <p>"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he
+  whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the
+  outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them
+  leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now,
+  the House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches
+  crowded; all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers
+  filling the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than
+  eighteen Members present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is
+  demonstrating how much happier Wales is under the benediction of the
+  Church than she would be without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST.
+  ASAPH, of&mdash;er&mdash;well, of an eight o'clock morning service in
+  inclement weather."</p>
+
+  <p>"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I
+  mean, in contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer
+  in Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty
+  benches, and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by
+  the small congregation&mdash;which I may say finds eloquent expression on
+  the face of our friend JOHN G. TALBOT&mdash;simply mean that they have
+  heard all these speeches before, and have made up their minds on the
+  subject. They are ready to vote, but they will not remain to hear the
+  speeches. As you say, in such circumstances it would appear more
+  businesslike to take the vote at once, and get along with other work. But
+  that is unparliamentary. This will be kept going till there is just time
+  left before the adjournment to divide. <i>Then</i> you'll see how dear is
+  this question to the hearts of our friends, and how virulent is the
+  persistence of the adversary."</p>
+
+  <p>Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten,
+  Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the
+  debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to
+  see how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the
+  Church, were careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the
+  clerical white tie.</p>
+
+  <p>"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at
+  night, but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken.
+  "I could wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front
+  displayed, our friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that
+  their coat-collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection,
+  and the white tie at least indicates nice feeling."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales
+  negatived by 267 Votes against 220.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill,
+  and, what's more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells
+  me that, though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom
+  over them. Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say,
+  in casual way, "Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed,
+  gone so far as commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These
+  are now, of course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language
+  not rich in provision of similar openings for wit.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried.
+  Rare opportunity for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords
+  to-night. Asked the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment
+  of Joint Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist
+  in words; suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty;
+  wouldn't say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious
+  part of the Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed;
+  hinted at rupture with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying
+  that if Motion for Committee were submitted, he would do his best to
+  induce their Lordships to adopt it.</p>
+
+  <p>Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all
+  about it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged
+  their head in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in
+  involved speech and well affected hesitation.</p>
+
+  <p>MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat&mdash;I mean the fog,
+  out of the bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government
+  have made up their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This
+  Joint Committee will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure
+  based on its Report will be carried through both Houses; everything will
+  be ready for return of unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.</p>
+
+  <p>"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not
+  unkindly. "But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's
+  been in my mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little
+  shrill; Free Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only
+  so-so. The Fog's the thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to
+  our standard, and with London at our back we can face the country."</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/117b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117b.png"
+      alt="Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge." /></a>
+    <p>Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St. Raphael,
+    the Riviera.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So <span
+  class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span>
+  completely is mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog
+  problem, that to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE
+  brought in Bill allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on
+  for six hours; at end of that time discovered that whole proceedings
+  irregular. As involving money question, introduction of Bill should have
+  been preceded by Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate
+  abruptly adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.</p>
+
+  <p>"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win.
+  This is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned
+  as people think) in support of our new Fog policy."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light
+  looms behind the Fog.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea.
+  All his friends on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the
+  Sunny South. No need whatever for his return; things going on admirably;
+  not missed in the least; shocking weather here; better stay where he
+  is.</p>
+
+  <p>"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light
+  flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
+  getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in
+  the slightest. Very well, then; <i>I'll go home.</i>"</p>
+
+  <p>MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY
+  downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious
+  dream. Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way,
+  others another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G.
+  leaping up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them
+  back to Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for
+  Unionist encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber,
+  distinctly saw one sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.</p>
+
+  <p>"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning
+  for a twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made
+  up for the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or
+  more watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son
+  (which I admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better
+  done to. Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud
+  of his chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of
+  me, and freshen me up. Fancy I've worn <i>him</i> out; instead of his
+  taking care of me, have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again
+  within sound of Big Ben. Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well;
+  but he'll have to tuck in his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's
+  place."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Miscellaneous.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+      <a href="images/118.png"><img width="100%" src="images/118.png"
+      alt="PASSING IT ON." /></a>
+    <h3>"PASSING IT ON."</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Rupert</i> (<i>just back from School, where he has been
+    tremendously fagged</i>). "LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND
+    DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU SHALL FINISH THE JAM&mdash;<i>WHEN I'VE QUITE
+    DONE</i>!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done
+  before, than to do a wise thing that has never been tried."&mdash;<i>Mr.
+  Balfour in the House of Commons.</i>]</blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,</p>
+      <p>He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.</p>
+      <p>All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;</p>
+      <p>Trousers we love when most they need repair,</p>
+      <p>Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,</p>
+      <p>And hats all crushed and battered into holes.</p>
+      <p>Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true,</p>
+      <p>Do all the vanished ages used to do.</p>
+      <p>We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,</p>
+      <p>And at the stake teach wretches to repent.</p>
+      <p>Clad <i>cap-à-pie</i> in mail we'll face our foes,</p>
+      <p>And arm our British soldiery with bows.</p>
+      <p>Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,</p>
+      <p>The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.</p>
+      <p>Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,</p>
+      <p>Collect stupidities and do them all.</p>
+      <p>Uneducate our men, unplough our land,</p>
+      <p>Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;</p>
+      <p>Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,</p>
+      <p>Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.</p>
+      <p>Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,</p>
+      <p>And in a word call Chaos back again.</p>
+      <p>Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,</p>
+      <p>"Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.&mdash;Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at
+  Oxford. Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under
+  lock and screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere
+  thought conjures up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on
+  the other, and loyal Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round
+  them. Never mind, BERNARD. It was a capital puff for the Socialistic
+  wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took care it should not be wasted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>A FUDGE FORMULA.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."</p>
+      <p>That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;</p>
+      <p>Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses</p>
+      <p>In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."</p>
+      <p>He thinks that all efforts injustice to right</p>
+      <p>Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.</p>
+      <p>He might just as well urge that morality's rules</p>
+      <p>Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;</p>
+      <p>Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes</p>
+      <p>Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."&mdash;The Engineers of London and
+  Birmingham have been requested, says the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, to "lay
+  their heads together," so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be
+  effected. This is an instance where to have "water on the brain" is
+  absolutely necessary. Odd to think that in this "water difficulty" are
+  contained all the elements of a burning question; so much so indeed, that
+  the Engineers who may be clever enough to solve the problem without
+  getting themselves into hot water, may confidently be expected to follow
+  up their achievement by proceeding to "set the Thames on fire."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>QUEER QUERIES.&mdash;CURRENCY REFORM.&mdash;I see that the CHANCELLOR
+  OF THE EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I
+  have all seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to
+  my lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This
+  would form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr.
+  GOSCHEN seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be
+  inscribed on the new One Pound Notes, be&mdash;"<i>Quid, pro
+  quo?</i>"&mdash;SLY-METALLIST.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119.png"
+      alt="LONDON IN VENICE." /></a>
+    <h3>LONDON IN VENICE.</h3>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/120a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120a.png"
+      alt="A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER." /></a>
+  </div>
+<h3>HORACE IN LONDON.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (<i>AD CHLORIN.</i>)</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>FORBEAR this painted show to strut</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of girlish toilet, manner skittish:</p>
+      <p>It may be <i>Fin-de-Siècle</i>, but</p>
+      <p class="i2">It isn't British.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>To dance, to swell the betting rank,</p>
+      <p class="i2">To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow;</p>
+      <p>To try to break your husband's bank</p>
+      <p class="i2">At Monte Carlo,</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;"</p>
+      <p class="i2">The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,</p>
+      <p>If act you must is scarce the part</p>
+      <p class="i2">For sixty summers.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Let Age be decent: keep your hair</p>
+      <p class="i2">Confined, if nothing else, to one dye:</p>
+      <p>I'd rather see you, I declare,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Like Mrs. GRUNDY!</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>What it may come to.</i>)</p>
+
+  <blockquote>["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our
+  soldiers, and compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as
+  highly as they do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and
+  comfort."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's
+  Committee.</i>]</blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">SCENE&mdash;<i>A Public Place.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">Sergeant KITE <i>and a</i> Possible Recruit <i>in conversation.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant Kite</i> (<i>continuing</i>). Then you must remember that
+  we are exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Possible Recruit</i> (<i>pained</i>). <i>Rations</i>! I suppose you
+  mean <i>courses</i>! I find that in all the large firms in London the
+  assistants have a dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to
+  follow. I couldn't think of joining the Army unless I had the same.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with suppressed emotion</i>). If it must be so,
+  then it must. Who's to pay the piper, <i>I</i> don't know! The Public, I
+  suppose.</p>
+
+  <p><i>P. R.</i> I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number
+  of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours
+  at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the
+  convenience of private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly
+  mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I
+  should never be called before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and
+  shaving-water might be brought to me at nine.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>after an interval</i>). Called! Early cup of
+  tea! Shaving-water! Oh, this is <i>too</i> much!</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> (<i>coolly</i>). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough.
+  There are other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow
+  feather-beds?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Feather-beds!</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes. A <i>sine quâ non</i>, I assure you. Then as to pay
+  and pensions, and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by
+  the month, with liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's
+  notice.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with sarcasm</i>). And you would wish to retire
+  at a week's notice if war were declared?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> (<i>surprised</i>). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with
+  Honour" would be my motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get
+  if I went in for civil employment?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do
+  with it. You surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work
+  of a beggarly counter-jumper?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day
+  easily in a shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as
+  I might do better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Any other point you would like to mention?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to
+  get damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The
+  principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army,
+  so that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as
+  he probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue
+  him when we got back to England. You understand my point?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every
+  soldier present at the battle from suing also?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Nothing at all. Of course they <i>would</i> all sue. So no
+  General must be permitted to go into action without first of all
+  depositing in the High Court at home security for costs if
+  defeated,&mdash;say half a million or so.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with forced politeness</i>). Well, I'm glad to
+  have heard your views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to
+  please him.</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My
+  offer only remains open till to-morrow morning.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Oh&mdash;!</p>
+
+  <p>[<i>The remainder of the gallant</i> Sergeant's <i>observations are
+  not necessary for publication, neither would they be accepted as a
+  guarantee of his good faith. Exit to recruit.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"THE RING AND THE BOOK."</h3>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:25%;">
+      <a href="images/120b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120b.png"
+      alt="As practised at Eton." /></a>
+  </div>
+  <p>FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of <i>The Battle of
+  Waterloo</i> and <i>Scenes in the Circle</i>, with the once-renowned
+  WIDDICOMB as Master of the Ring, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has ever been
+  particularly fond of the old-fashioned equestrian entertainment. The Ring
+  to which he has just made allusion is, it need hardly be added, The
+  Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE READE. <i>Mr. P.</i> is not
+  sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in which the chances of
+  danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against the performer; and
+  especially does he object to children of very tender years being utilised
+  in order to earn money for their parents or guardians by exhibiting their
+  precocious agility. <i>Mr. P.</i> approves of the ancient use of the
+  birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is quite of
+  the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the rod;
+  which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously
+  applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern
+  Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going
+  so utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as
+  corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in
+  or out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for
+  this circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances.
+  Does <i>Mr. Punch</i>, representing the public generally, quite approve
+  of this portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return
+  only a qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural
+  but extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the
+  method of training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it
+  altogether: and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public
+  appearance until they were at least sixteen; their previous training
+  having been under the supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to
+  the training of animals for the circus business. If the training system
+  means "all done by kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just
+  application of a considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards
+  and punishments, then <i>Mr. P.</i> approves; but where cruelty comes in,
+  whether in the training of child or beast, <i>Mr. Punch</i> would have
+  such trainer of youth punished as <i>Nicholas Nickleby</i> punished
+  <i>Squeers</i>, in addition to imprisonment and fine; and for cruelty to
+  dumb animals <i>Mr. P.</i> would order the garotter's punishment and
+  plenty of it. Having professed this faith, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, after thus
+  "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would like to
+  know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story entitled,
+  <i>Slaves of the Sawdust</i>? As literature it is poor stuff, but as
+  written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged
+  systematic cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the
+  circus-equestrian acrobatic life, the book should not only attract
+  general notice, but should also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to
+  some united action of all responsible circus-managers against the author
+  of this work, which would result in either the said managers or the
+  authoress being "brought to book." <i>Mr. Punch</i> hath spoken. <i>Verb.
+  sap.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figleft" style="margin-bottom:8em"> <img src="images/pointer.png" alt="pointer" /> </div>
+  <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+  Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+  Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+  returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+  Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+  exception.</b></p><br clear="all" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14483 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14483 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14483)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+March 5, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 5, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 27, 2004 [EBook #14483]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+March 5th, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.
+
+    Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a rattling refrain
+    or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always popular. What wonder
+    clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_!" is all the rage?
+    "Her greatest creation" (_vide_ advertisements), "sung and danced with
+    the utmost _verve_," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to
+    attach a meaning to it? Let us try:--
+
+No. VI.--THAT'S HOW WE BOOM TO-DAY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+              I.
+
+  A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be
+  To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety;
+  Not too strict, of swagger free,
+  And as "fly" as "fly" can be.
+  Ever pushing, ever bold,
+  (Else one's left "out in the cold")
+  Thus Success you grasp, and hold.
+  And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,--
+
+              _Chorus._
+
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+      That's how we "boom" to-day!
+      Bra-va! We "boom" to-day!
+      Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_And so on, six times or more._
+
+              II.
+
+  All want to "Boom." But don't be shy,
+  For modesty is all my eye.
+  Shun all reserve, if you would try
+  For "paying" notoriety.
+  If you would "make your pile" in haste,
+  You must not bother about "taste."
+  _Every_ chance must be embraced,
+  If you would sing when fairly "placed,"
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Over and over again._
+
+              III.
+
+  Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far
+  Than 'twas of old to be a Star.
+  Hit on some trick crepuscular,
+  Like smudge or smoke, and there you are!
+  They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So
+  You're sure--in time--to be a go.
+  You will catch on, and sell, although
+  Your meaning not a soul may know,--
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!
+              [_Ad libitum._
+
+              IV.
+
+  If Humour is your little line,
+  Coherent sense you must resign,
+  Cry, "Paradox alone's divine!
+  LAMB had _his_ manner, _this_ is Mine!"
+  Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone
+  Of mirth till all the marrow's gone;
+  And crowds, who first stared like a stone,
+  Your "subtle genius" soon will own.
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Ad nauseam._
+
+              V.
+
+  Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred?
+  There you may "boom" it like a bird.
+  Turn on the Absolute-Absurd;
+  By that strange tap the mob is stirred.
+  Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim;
+  Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim,
+  Anything meaning morbid whim;
+  Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what _vim_!"
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!
+              [_As long as you like_!
+
+              VI.
+
+  Or would you even higher fly,
+  And found a "Cult"? You've but to try.
+  That blend fools follow in full cry,
+  Meaninglessness _plus_ Mystery!
+  A witch astride upon a broom,
+  A bogie in a darkened room,
+  Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,--
+  Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"!
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Till you are tired of it._
+
+              VII.
+
+  Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent.,
+  With that Big Drum, Advertisement.
+  Nonsense, with _nous_ discreetly blent,
+  Finds the world cheated--and content.
+  But "make your game" while yet there's room,
+  For novel shapes of quackery. Doom
+  Awaits us in the outer gloom:
+  A day _may_ come when Bosh _won't_ "Boom"!
+
+              _Chorus._
+      That's how we "boom" to-day!
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+      Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day!
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_And so on till further orders._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ASSISTED EDUCATION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants to his Chief,
+"Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the memory of CHARLES
+DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr. LAWRENCE HUTTON who
+has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE & CO. who publish, a series of letters
+addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They bear date between the years 1851
+and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S papers after his death, and prove not
+the least precious of his possessions. _Foster's Life of Dickens_ will
+undoubtedly remain the medium through which the outer world shall know the
+great novelist." "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way
+in which admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd
+among us. You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your
+observations interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed
+continued. "But, Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste
+those volumes leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many
+of the letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase
+of his character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with
+some tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little
+volume of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best,
+whether as a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work."
+
+BARON DE BOOKWORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION."
+
+(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND. "WITH
+RAVISHED EARS, THE MONARCH HEARS, ASSUMES THE GOD, AFFECTS TO NOD, AND
+SEEMS TO SHAKE THE SPHERES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE.
+
+_Cousin Madge._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. SO MANY THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF
+US!"          _Charlie._ "_NOT AT ALL_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST
+
+OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.
+
+(_An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long way after Dryden._)
+
+    ["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN EMPEROR said:--
+    'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally attends me in my
+    work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my task, and to
+    advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this are added
+    the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my
+    unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and
+    Dennewitz, will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite
+    pains with our ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot
+    suppose he has done this for no purpose.... My course is the right one,
+    and it will be persevered in."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+  'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set
+      For Providence's pet:
+      Aloft in Teuton state
+      The god-like hero sate
+          On his Imperial throne:
+    His Brandenburgers listened round,
+    Appreciative of the Power of Sound;
+    All admire shouting--when the Shouter's crowned!
+      The Jovian Eagle at his side
+      Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed
+      The Olympian hero in his pride.
+
+  Happy, happy, happy Chief!
+      None but the loud,
+      None but the loud,
+  From the crass crowd may win belief!
+  His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled,
+  And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World!
+    The listening crowd admire the lofty sound.
+    "A present deity!" they shout around.
+    "A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound.
+      With ravished ears,
+      The monarch hears,
+        Assumes the god,
+        Affects to nod,
+      And seems to shake the spheres!
+
+  In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke,
+    In language like a huge thrasonic joke.
+    The newest god in triumph comes;
+    Blare the trumpets, thump the drums:
+    Flushed with a purple grace,
+    He lifts his Jovian face!
+  Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes!
+  New ALEXANDER fair and young,
+  Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again
+      To Brandenburg, that treasure
+      Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure,
+      Rich the treasure,
+      Sweet the pleasure,
+    Which to the gods has given such pain!
+
+  Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain,
+  Fights all his battles o'er again;
+  'Twas Heaven that routed all _his_ foes, Olympus slew _his_ slain.
+    _He_ has the greatest of allies!
+    Doubters are dastards in _his_ eyes,
+    And grumblers at their deified
+    Young Emperor in his proper pride.
+      Should shake from their false shoes
+      Germania's dust. The Muse
+    Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good,
+      By a benignant fate
+      Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted,
+      Lifted to a god's estate,
+          Olympian in his mood:
+
+    *     *     *     *     *
+
+  The mighty Master smiled to see,
+  Infant-in-Arms, young Germany,
+  Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap,
+  And, quite a promising young chap,
+  Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle,
+  And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle,
+    Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles,
+    Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles,
+    A tremendous time beginning;
+      Fighting still, all foes destroying:--
+      "A world-empire's worth the winning!
+      Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying.
+        The new god now sits beside ye,
+        Take the gifts he will provide ye!
+        He's your young Orbilian schooler,
+        Your Hereditary Ruler!"
+  (The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.)
+  "_My_ course is right, and glorious is _my_ Cause!!!"
+    The Prince, the god unable to restrain,
+        Rose from his chair,
+        With Jovian air,
+    And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care,
+    What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare,
+    The nectar gulped again and yet again:
+  Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on,
+  Voted himself the New God--Jupiter-(G)Ammon!
+
+    *     *     *     *     *
+
+        "Let ALEXANDER yield the prize
+          To WILHELM of the Iron Crown;
+        _He_ raised himself unto the skies,
+          _I_ bring Olympus _down_!!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+No. XI.--TO PLAUSIBILITY.
+
+MY DEAR PLAU,
+
+I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the pleasure
+I have received during my life from the society of your friends and
+_protégés_. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money advantages.
+Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be found that in
+these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still due to me. Who
+knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose here and there I
+did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to indulge these
+gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had conquered me. No. What
+I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have derived from some of the
+finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the boards) that the world ever
+saw, acting in which I protest that the tears, the sighs, the misery, the
+gallantry, the courage, the loyal sentiments and the honourable promises
+all rang with so sincere a sound that the very actor himself was subdued
+like the dyer's hand to the colours he worked in, until he believed himself
+to be the most unjustly persecuted of mankind, the most upright of
+gentlemen, or whatever the special emotion he simulated required that he
+should seem to be for the moment. That he might possibly be what, as a
+matter of fact, he often was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at
+the time. He was evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in
+any case they could not spoil my æsthetic enjoyment of a notable
+performance. And after all who is to undertake to draw the line between the
+good man and the bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced
+that they were admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery;
+somewhere in the backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of
+intellectual implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened,
+ever came to open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious
+owners of it passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and
+their actions still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of
+course, were not so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them,
+revealed them to themselves and others, and in many cases only left them,
+alas, after cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave
+these divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I
+rather wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and
+the chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old
+friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have heard
+of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement, and
+retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST--LEONIDAS MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST
+he had been christened by a warlike father, whose military aspirations had
+been crushed by the necessity for a commercial career, and who had taken it
+out of fate by devoting his son to heroism at the baptismal font, and by
+subsequently buying him a commission in a crack regiment--General TEMPEST
+was, in the days of which I speak, a hospitable veteran whose amiability
+and good-nature had survived many severe campaigns in which he had taken
+and given hard knocks wherever hard knocks were to be found. His
+benevolence and hospitality were proverbial far beyond the limits of
+Dansington, and his daughter CLARA was one of the prettiest girls in the
+United Kingdom.
+
+On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical WILFRID
+COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a fortnight, I
+learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and had made
+himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they got to know
+him I never quite discovered--indeed, I doubt if any of them could have
+told me--and as to his previous history all they seemed to know was that
+his father had property "somewhere in the West of England," that he himself
+had travelled a great deal, and was now close upon thirty years old. I am
+free to admit that after my first dinner in his company I had very little
+inclination to worry myself about the details of his past, so cheerful and
+fascinating did I find his gay companionship. I cannot quite explain the
+charm of the man. He had a roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion,
+and a laugh that seemed to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to
+carry those who heard it in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what
+stories the fellow could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual
+convulsions, and even ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth,
+much weighed down by the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford,
+was pleased to unbend and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the
+wizard COBBYN.
+
+One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to repeat it
+as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a certain
+travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania. It was a
+story that never seemed to cease,--a bad recommendation for most stories, I
+admit; but in this case so artfully and with such surprising humour and
+force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long series of ludicrous
+sufferings culminating in the total loss of the sufferer's clothes and his
+involuntary appearance in the full uniform of a Turkish Zaptieh, with other
+surprising and endless episodes, that at the last we had in the midst of
+our gasps of helpless laughter to implore the narrator to stop for the sake
+of our sides and the resounding rafters of the General's house.
+
+At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as the
+gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some deathless
+story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved from
+disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our imaginations,
+which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower flights, soared
+obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible romance. Nor did he
+stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of old-world punctilio, but
+before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN, of whom he knew nothing
+except what COBBYN told him, to all the best people in Dansington; nor
+shall I ever forget the air with which this glorious rascal took the portly
+old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her second supper at the County Ball. He
+rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's
+ancient retainer went on his many errands, and neither the General nor his
+man saw anything out of the way in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I
+thought, with some favour--but as CLARA always breaks into indignant
+denials whenever this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the
+members of the Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises.
+The young sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks
+repeated to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an
+uncommon good fellow, by Gad."
+
+To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering politeness
+which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade cleverer and
+sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day before my
+departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me and writing my
+London address with much ceremony on the back of an envelope, which I
+afterwards found lying about in a passage of the General's house.
+
+Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had gone
+away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and the
+Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the result
+was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely foolish,
+and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM SPINDLE,
+who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of
+DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income
+with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for £1,000. Sir
+PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him
+£500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put £300 into the
+Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been the
+managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had fleeced
+all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the clouds.
+How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered the avarice
+of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of PACKTHREAD, and
+subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known. Partly, no doubt,
+he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful and candid. He
+_was_ the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the father had long since
+ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he had really travelled
+and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts were his good-humour,
+his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue that gained for him the
+trusting confidence of his victims almost before he himself knew that he
+meant to victimise them.
+
+They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America.
+Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular--for a time.
+
+Goodbye, dear old PLAU!
+                I hope I haven't bored you.
+                                Yours trustfully,
+                                                DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY.
+
+    SCENE--_A Theatre with Audience and Company complete. The former
+    "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking forward to
+    the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but over._
+
+_Servant_ (_to_ Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in the Hall. May she
+come up?
+
+_Countess._ Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?
+
+_Servant_ (_arranging his powdered hair in a glass_). Because in cases of
+exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up herself!
+
+_Countess_ (_smiling_). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not know that
+cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is more than
+half found out?
+
+_Servant_ (_taking up coal scuttle_). Like the hair of your Lady-ship--out
+of curl!           [_Exit._
+
+_Countess._ A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me avoid him. A
+married man is quite out of date--save when he forms the subject of his own
+obituary.           [_Exit._
+
+_A pause. Enter the_ Duchess of BATTERSEA.
+
+_Duchess._ Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke with me,
+after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his head when
+he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to catch a
+'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me--where's the difference?
+
+_Enter_ Earl PENNYPLAINE.
+
+_Earl_ (_angrily_). You here!
+
+_Duchess_ (_with an appealing gesture_). You are not pleased to see me! You
+regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A past unblessed
+by a clergyman--in fact, a past without a pastor!
+
+_Earl._ Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no home for
+old jokes!
+
+_Duchess._ You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you so badly?
+Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival? Why I have
+blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds? Do you know
+why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. Because I am your
+Mother-in-law!
+
+_Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first!
+
+_Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.
+
+QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!
+
+_Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author,
+Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq._
+
+["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies,
+pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half-
+smoked cigarette."--_Daily Telegraph._]]
+
+_Countess._ Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have
+brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take
+'em, and bless you!
+
+_Duchess_ (_overflowing with emotion_). My dear, this is too much.
+(_Weeps._) You un_woman_--I should say un_lady_--me!
+
+_Enter_ Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.
+
+_Lord T.C._ Come and marry me.
+
+_Duchess._ With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy!           [_Exeunt._
+
+_Earl._ And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings
+like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.
+
+_Quick Curtain._
+
+_Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and
+forefinger a lighted cigarette._
+
+_Author._ Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do
+what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a
+smoke myself. (_Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience à la_
+HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking
+jacket? Thank you! (_Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the
+presence of the audience._) And now I will have a chair. (_Stamps, when up
+comes through a trap a table supporting a lounge_), and a cup of tea.
+(_Another table appears through another trap, bringing up with it a tray
+and a five o'clock set._) And now I think we are comfortable. (_Helps
+himself to tea, smokes, &c._) I must tell you I think my piece excellent.
+And all the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I
+hope you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored
+with this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to
+catch a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a
+quarter of an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train--I repeat, as I
+have to catch a train--
+
+_Entire Audience._ And so have we!           [_Exeunt._ (_Thus the Play
+ends in smoke._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SAVE LONDON.
+
+(_Rather more than a Fairy Story._)
+
+JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the fact
+that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the coal
+dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter. He
+watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small creature
+appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and did not
+notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and began to
+address him.
+
+"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct
+voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you that,
+unless you wake up, you will come to grief."
+
+"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?"
+
+"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned the
+Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the chances
+are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording your vote."
+"What election?"
+
+"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the Members of
+the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on Saturday, the 5th of
+March, and will from that date remain in power for four years!"
+
+And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it was
+in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him seemed
+intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There were to be
+free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers' shops, free
+ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free boot-makers,
+free gas companies, free waterworks--in fact, everything was to be gratis.
+
+"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.
+
+"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the paymaster. You
+will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a commencement, with
+additional crowns to follow!"
+
+"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of genuine
+alarm.
+
+"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the
+Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."
+
+And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN SMITH
+found himself sprawling upon the floor.
+
+"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.
+
+And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling
+stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.
+
+At least it is to be hoped he will!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN.
+
+SCENE--_A Third-Class Carriage._       TIME--_Three Hours before the next
+Station._       DRAMATIS PERSONÆ--_Jones and Robinson._
+
+"IT'S THE _LAST_!--AND IT'S A TÄNDSTICKOR. IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!"
+
+"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;--BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL!"
+
+"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT OF WINDOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 21._--"What a day he _is_ having to be
+sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking across the table at the
+other eminent country gentleman who is our First Minister of Agriculture.
+
+Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height. Just
+the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew lurid
+picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with Small
+Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings, and
+recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's
+prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however entirely
+foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on contrary,
+made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right in both
+instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the conviction,
+still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct contradiction was
+peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman addressing the House,
+displaying a flexibility of genius not common to mankind.
+
+CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear. To-night,
+standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to swell
+wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the speech
+observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar strategic
+movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN was, so to
+speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.
+
+House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN,
+remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces
+uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of fifty-five
+minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general observations
+prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind of pompous
+platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old times, Members
+used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like the wedding
+guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed--though as PLUNKET reminds me,
+the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is not--the House could not help
+but hear. Once, when the orator dropped easily into autobiographical
+episode, described himself strolling about the fields of Lincolnshire,
+turning up a turnip here, drawing forth a casual carrot there, meditating
+on the days when
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YOUNGER THAN EVER!
+
+THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!--TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!--OVER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on his
+back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by permission
+of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a tankard of
+chill October--at this stage, it is true, there were signs of impatience
+amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about the Bill.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. G. dreams a Dream.]
+
+But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn
+prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could
+not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the Minister
+of Agriculture.
+
+_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill introduced.
+
+_Tuesday._--Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH and he of
+SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight; attracted by
+debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY couldn't restrain his
+astonishment at scene.
+
+"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he
+whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the
+outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them
+leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now, the
+House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches crowded;
+all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers filling
+the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than eighteen Members
+present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is demonstrating how much
+happier Wales is under the benediction of the Church than she would be
+without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST. ASAPH, of--er--well, of an
+eight o'clock morning service in inclement weather."
+
+"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I mean, in
+contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer in
+Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty benches,
+and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by the small
+congregation--which I may say finds eloquent expression on the face of our
+friend JOHN G. TALBOT--simply mean that they have heard all these speeches
+before, and have made up their minds on the subject. They are ready to
+vote, but they will not remain to hear the speeches. As you say, in such
+circumstances it would appear more businesslike to take the vote at once,
+and get along with other work. But that is unparliamentary. This will be
+kept going till there is just time left before the adjournment to divide.
+_Then_ you'll see how dear is this question to the hearts of our friends,
+and how virulent is the persistence of the adversary."
+
+Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten,
+Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the
+debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to see
+how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the Church, were
+careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the clerical white
+tie.
+
+"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at night,
+but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken. "I could
+wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front displayed, our
+friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that their coat-
+collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection, and the white
+tie at least indicates nice feeling."
+
+_Business done._--Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales negatived by 267
+Votes against 220.
+
+_Wednesday._--PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill, and, what's
+more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells me that,
+though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom over them.
+Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say, in casual way,
+"Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed, gone so far as
+commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These are now, of
+course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language not rich in
+provision of similar openings for wit.
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried. Rare opportunity
+for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.
+
+_Thursday._--MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords to-night. Asked
+the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment of Joint
+Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist in words;
+suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty; wouldn't
+say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious part of the
+Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed; hinted at rupture
+with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying that if Motion for
+Committee were submitted, he would do his best to induce their Lordships to
+adopt it.
+
+Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all about
+it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged their head
+in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in involved
+speech and well affected hesitation.
+
+MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat--I mean the fog, out of the
+bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government have made up
+their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This Joint Committee
+will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure based on its Report
+will be carried through both Houses; everything will be ready for return of
+unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.
+
+"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not unkindly.
+"But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's been in my
+mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little shrill; Free
+Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only so-so. The Fog's the
+thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to our standard, and with
+London at our back we can face the country."
+
+[Illustration: Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St.
+Raphael, the Riviera.]
+
+Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So completely is
+mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog problem, that
+to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE brought in Bill
+allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on for six hours; at
+end of that time discovered that whole proceedings irregular. As involving
+money question, introduction of Bill should have been preceded by
+Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate abruptly
+adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.
+
+"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win. This
+is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned as
+people think) in support of our new Fog policy."
+
+_Business done._--Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light looms behind the
+Fog.
+
+_Friday._--News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea. All his friends
+on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the Sunny South. No need
+whatever for his return; things going on admirably; not missed in the
+least; shocking weather here; better stay where he is.
+
+"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light
+flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
+getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in
+the slightest. Very well, then; _I'll go home._"
+
+MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY
+downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious dream.
+Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way, others
+another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G. leaping
+up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them back to
+Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for Unionist
+encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, distinctly saw one
+sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.
+
+"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning for a
+twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made up for
+the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or more
+watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son (which I
+admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better done to.
+Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud of his
+chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of me, and
+freshen me up. Fancy I've worn _him_ out; instead of his taking care of me,
+have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again within sound of Big Ben.
+Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well; but he'll have to tuck in
+his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's place."
+
+_Business done._--Miscellaneous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PASSING IT ON."
+
+_Rupert_ (_just back from School, where he has been tremendously fagged_).
+"LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU
+SHALL FINISH THE JAM--_WHEN I'VE QUITE DONE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.
+
+    ["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before, than to
+    do a wise thing that has never been tried."--_Mr. Balfour in the House
+    of Commons._]
+
+  HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,
+  He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.
+  All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;
+  Trousers we love when most they need repair,
+  Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,
+  And hats all crushed and battered into holes.
+  Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true,
+  Do all the vanished ages used to do.
+  We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,
+  And at the stake teach wretches to repent.
+  Clad _cap-à-pie_ in mail we'll face our foes,
+  And arm our British soldiery with bows.
+  Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,
+  The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.
+  Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,
+  Collect stupidities and do them all.
+  Uneducate our men, unplough our land,
+  Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;
+  Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,
+  Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.
+  Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,
+  And in a word call Chaos back again.
+  Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,
+  "Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.--Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at Oxford.
+Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under lock and
+screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought conjures
+up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on the other, and loyal
+Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round them. Never mind, BERNARD.
+It was a capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took
+care it should not be wasted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FUDGE FORMULA.
+
+  "To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."
+  That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;
+  Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses
+  In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."
+  He thinks that all efforts injustice to right
+  Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.
+  He might just as well urge that morality's rules
+  Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;
+  Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes
+  Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."--The Engineers of London and Birmingham have
+been requested, says the _Daily Telegraph_, to "lay their heads together,"
+so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be effected. This is an
+instance where to have "water on the brain" is absolutely necessary. Odd to
+think that in this "water difficulty" are contained all the elements of a
+burning question; so much so indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever
+enough to solve the problem without getting themselves into hot water, may
+confidently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding to
+"set the Thames on fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.--CURRENCY REFORM.--I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE
+EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I have all
+seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my
+lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This would
+form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN
+seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the
+new One Pound Notes, be--"_Quid, pro quo?_"--SLY-METALLIST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LONDON IN VENICE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HORACE IN LONDON.
+
+TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (_AD CHLORIN._)
+
+  FORBEAR this painted show to strut
+    Of girlish toilet, manner skittish:
+  It may be _Fin-de-Siècle_, but
+    It isn't British.
+
+  To dance, to swell the betting rank,
+    To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow;
+  To try to break your husband's bank
+    At Monte Carlo,
+
+  Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;"
+    The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,
+  If act you must is scarce the part
+    For sixty summers.
+
+  Let Age be decent: keep your hair
+    Confined, if nothing else, to one dye:
+  I'd rather see you, I declare,
+    Like Mrs. GRUNDY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.
+
+(_What it may come to._)
+
+    ["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and
+    compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they
+    do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."--_Daily
+    Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee._]
+
+SCENE--_A Public Place._
+
+Sergeant KITE _and a_ Possible Recruit _in conversation._
+
+_Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are
+exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.
+
+_Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I
+find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of
+six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of
+joining the Army unless I had the same.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must.
+Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose.
+
+_P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these
+useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which
+they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of
+private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should
+not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called
+before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to
+me at nine.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving-
+water! Oh, this is _too_ much!
+
+_P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are
+other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?
+
+_Sergeant K._ Feather-beds!
+
+_P.R._ Yes. A _sine quâ non_, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions,
+and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with
+liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with sarcasm_). And you would wish to retire at a week's
+notice if war were declared?
+
+_P.R._ (_surprised_). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my
+motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for
+civil employment?
+
+_Sergeant K._ No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You
+surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly
+counter-jumper?
+
+_P.R._ Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a
+shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do
+better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.
+
+_Sergeant K._ Any other point you would like to mention?
+
+_P.R._ Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get
+damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The
+principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so
+that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he
+probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him
+when we got back to England. You understand my point?
+
+_Sergeant K._ Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier
+present at the battle from suing also?
+
+_P.R._ Nothing at all. Of course they _would_ all sue. So no General must
+be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High
+Court at home security for costs if defeated,--say half a million or so.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with forced politeness_). Well, I'm glad to have heard your
+views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him.
+
+_P.R._ Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only
+remains open till to-morrow morning.
+
+_Sergeant K._ Oh--!
+
+[_The remainder of the gallant_ Sergeant's _observations are not necessary
+for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good
+faith. Exit to recruit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE RING AND THE BOOK."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of _The Battle of Waterloo_ and
+_Scenes in the Circle_, with the once-renowned WIDDICOMB as Master of the
+Ring, _Mr. Punch_ has ever been particularly fond of the old-fashioned
+equestrian entertainment. The Ring to which he has just made allusion is,
+it need hardly be added, The Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE
+READE. _Mr. P._ is not sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in
+which the chances of danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against
+the performer; and especially does he object to children of very tender
+years being utilised in order to earn money for their parents or guardians
+by exhibiting their precocious agility. _Mr. P._ approves of the ancient
+use of the birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is
+quite of the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the
+rod; which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously
+applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern
+Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going so
+utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as
+corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in or
+out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for this
+circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances. Does
+_Mr. Punch_, representing the public generally, quite approve of this
+portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return only a
+qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural but
+extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the method of
+training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it altogether:
+and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public appearance until
+they were at least sixteen; their previous training having been under the
+supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to the training of animals
+for the circus business. If the training system means "all done by
+kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just application of a
+considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards and punishments,
+then _Mr. P._ approves; but where cruelty comes in, whether in the training
+of child or beast, _Mr. Punch_ would have such trainer of youth punished as
+_Nicholas Nickleby_ punished _Squeers_, in addition to imprisonment and
+fine; and for cruelty to dumb animals _Mr. P._ would order the garotter's
+punishment and plenty of it. Having professed this faith, _Mr. Punch_,
+after thus "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would
+like to know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story
+entitled, _Slaves of the Sawdust_? As literature it is poor stuff, but as
+written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged systematic
+cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the circus-equestrian
+acrobatic life, the book should not only attract general notice, but should
+also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to some united action of all
+responsible circus-managers against the author of this work, which would
+result in either the said managers or the authoress being "brought to
+book." _Mr. Punch_ hath spoken. _Verb. sap._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, March 5, 1892, by Various
+
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+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, March 5th, 1892.</title>
+
+  <style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  p.center             {text-align: center;}
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+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
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+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+  .note
+  {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i12          {margin-left: 6em;}
+        p.i16          {margin-left: 8em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+March 5, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 5, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 27, 2004 [EBook #14483]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 102.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>March 5th, 1892.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span>
+
+<h3>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a
+  rattling refrain or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always
+  popular. What wonder clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S
+  "<i>Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay</i>!" is all the rage? "Her greatest creation"
+  (<i>vide</i> advertisements), "sung and danced with the utmost
+  <i>verve</i>," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to attach a
+  meaning to it? Let us try:&mdash;</blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">No. VI.&mdash;THAT'S HOW WE
+BOOM TO-DAY!</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/109a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109a.png"
+      alt="Tra-la! We boom to-day!" /></a>
+  </div>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">I.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be</p>
+      <p>To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety;</p>
+      <p>Not too strict, of swagger free,</p>
+      <p>And as "fly" as "fly" can be.</p>
+      <p>Ever pushing, ever bold,</p>
+      <p>(Else one's left "out in the cold")</p>
+      <p>Thus Success you grasp, and hold.</p>
+      <p>And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,&mdash;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12"><i>Chorus.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">That's how we "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Bra-va! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>And so on, six times or more.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">II.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>All want to "Boom." But don't be shy,</p>
+      <p>For modesty is all my eye.</p>
+      <p>Shun all reserve, if you would try</p>
+      <p>For "paying" notoriety.</p>
+      <p>If you would "make your pile" in haste,</p>
+      <p>You must not bother about "taste."</p>
+      <p><i>Every</i> chance must be embraced,</p>
+      <p>If you would sing when fairly "placed,"</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Over and over again.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">III.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far</p>
+      <p>Than 'twas of old to be a Star.</p>
+      <p>Hit on some trick crepuscular,</p>
+      <p>Like smudge or smoke, and there you are!</p>
+      <p>They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So</p>
+      <p>You're sure&mdash;in time&mdash;to be a go.</p>
+      <p>You will catch on, and sell, although</p>
+      <p>Your meaning not a soul may know,&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Ad libitum.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">IV.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>If Humour is your little line,</p>
+      <p>Coherent sense you must resign,</p>
+      <p>Cry, "Paradox alone's divine!</p>
+      <p>LAMB had <i>his</i> manner, <i>this</i> is Mine!"</p>
+      <p>Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone</p>
+      <p>Of mirth till all the marrow's gone;</p>
+      <p>And crowds, who first stared like a stone,</p>
+      <p>Your "subtle genius" soon will own.</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Ad nauseam.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">V.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred?</p>
+      <p>There you may "boom" it like a bird.</p>
+      <p>Turn on the Absolute-Absurd;</p>
+      <p>By that strange tap the mob is stirred.</p>
+      <p>Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim;</p>
+      <p>Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim,</p>
+      <p>Anything meaning morbid whim;</p>
+      <p>Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what <i>vim</i>!"</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>As long as you like</i>!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">VI.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Or would you even higher fly,</p>
+      <p>And found a "Cult"? You've but to try.</p>
+      <p>That blend fools follow in full cry,</p>
+      <p>Meaninglessness <i>plus</i> Mystery!</p>
+      <p>A witch astride upon a broom,</p>
+      <p>A bogie in a darkened room,</p>
+      <p>Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"!</p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>Till you are tired of it.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12">VII.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent.,</p>
+      <p>With that Big Drum, Advertisement.</p>
+      <p>Nonsense, with <i>nous</i> discreetly blent,</p>
+      <p>Finds the world cheated&mdash;and content.</p>
+      <p>But "make your game" while yet there's room,</p>
+      <p>For novel shapes of quackery. Doom</p>
+      <p>Awaits us in the outer gloom:</p>
+      <p>A day <i>may</i> come when Bosh <i>won't</i> "Boom"!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i12"><i>Chorus.</i></p>
+      <p class="i4">That's how we "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!</p>
+      <p class="i12">[<i>And so on till further orders.</i></p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/109b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109b.png"
+      alt="ASSISTED EDUCATION." /></a>
+    "ASSISTED EDUCATION."
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <p><b>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</b>&mdash;Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants
+  to his Chief, "Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the
+  memory of CHARLES DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr.
+  LAWRENCE HUTTON who has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE &amp; CO. who
+  publish, a series of letters addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They
+  bear date between the years 1851 and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S
+  papers after his death, and prove not the least precious of his
+  possessions. <i>Foster's Life of Dickens</i> will undoubtedly remain the
+  medium through which the outer world shall know the great novelist."
+  "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way in which
+  admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd among us.
+  You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your observations
+  interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed continued. "But,
+  Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste those volumes
+  leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many of the
+  letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase of his
+  character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with some
+  tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little volume
+  of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best, whether as
+  a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work."</p>
+
+  <p>BARON DE BOOKWORMS &amp; CO.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/109c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109c.png"
+      alt="JOINT OCCUPATION." /></a>
+    <p class="center">"JOINT OCCUPATION."</p>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt.</i>)</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/110.png"><img width="100%" src="images/110.png"
+      alt="THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND." /></a>
+    <h3>THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.</h3> <p
+    class="center">"WITH RAVISHED EARS,</p> <p class="center">THE MONARCH
+    HEARS,</p> <p class="center">ASSUMES THE GOD,</p> <p
+    class="center">AFFECTS TO NOD,</p> <p class="center">AND SEEMS TO SHAKE
+    THE SPHERES!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png"
+      alt="QUITE UP TO DATE." /></a>
+    <h3>QUITE UP TO DATE.</h3>
+
+    <i>Cousin Madge.</i> "WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. SO MANY THANKS FOR
+    TAKING CARE OF US!"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Charlie.</i> "<i>NOT AT ALL</i>!"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST</h3>
+
+<p class="center">OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long
+way after Dryden.</i>)</p>
+
+  <blockquote>["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN
+  EMPEROR said:&mdash;'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally
+  attends me in my work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my
+  task, and to advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this
+  are added the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my
+  unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and Dennewitz,
+  will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite pains with our
+  ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot suppose he has done
+  this for no purpose.... My course is the right one, and it will be
+  persevered in."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set</p>
+      <p class="i4">For Providence's pet:</p>
+      <p class="i4">Aloft in Teuton state</p>
+      <p class="i4">The god-like hero sate</p>
+      <p class="i8">On his Imperial throne:</p>
+      <p class="i2">His Brandenburgers listened round,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Appreciative of the Power of Sound;</p>
+      <p class="i2">All admire shouting&mdash;when the Shouter's crowned!</p>
+      <p class="i4">The Jovian Eagle at his side</p>
+      <p class="i4">Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed</p>
+      <p class="i4">The Olympian hero in his pride.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Happy, happy, happy Chief!</p>
+      <p class="i4">None but the loud,</p>
+      <p class="i4">None but the loud,</p>
+      <p>From the crass crowd may win belief!</p>
+      <p>His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled,</p>
+      <p>And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World!</p>
+      <p class="i2">The listening crowd admire the lofty sound.</p>
+      <p class="i2">"A present deity!" they shout around.</p>
+      <p class="i2">"A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound.</p>
+      <p class="i4">With ravished ears,</p>
+      <p class="i4">The monarch hears,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Assumes the god,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Affects to nod,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And seems to shake the spheres!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke,</p>
+      <p class="i2">In language like a huge thrasonic joke.</p>
+      <p class="i2">The newest god in triumph comes;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Blare the trumpets, thump the drums:</p>
+      <p class="i2">Flushed with a purple grace,</p>
+      <p class="i2">He lifts his Jovian face!</p>
+      <p>Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes!</p>
+      <p>New ALEXANDER fair and young,</p>
+      <p>Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again</p>
+      <p class="i4">To Brandenburg, that treasure</p>
+      <p class="i4">Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Rich the treasure,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Sweet the pleasure,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Which to the gods has given such pain!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain,</p>
+      <p>Fights all his battles o'er again;</p>
+      <p>'Twas Heaven that routed all <i>his</i> foes, Olympus slew <i>his</i> slain.</p>
+      <p class="i2"><i>He</i> has the greatest of allies!</p>
+      <p class="i2">Doubters are dastards in <i>his</i> eyes,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And grumblers at their deified</p>
+      <p class="i2">Young Emperor in his proper pride.</p>
+      <p class="i4">Should shake from their false shoes</p>
+      <p class="i4">Germania's dust. The Muse</p>
+      <p class="i2">Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good,</p>
+      <p class="i4">By a benignant fate</p>
+      <p class="i4">Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted,</p>
+      <p class="i4">Lifted to a god's estate,</p>
+      <p class="i8">Olympian in his mood:</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The mighty Master smiled to see,</p>
+      <p>Infant-in-Arms, young Germany,</p>
+      <p>Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap,</p>
+      <p>And, quite a promising young chap,</p>
+      <p>Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle,</p>
+      <p>And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles,</p>
+      <p class="i2">A tremendous time beginning;</p>
+      <p class="i4">Fighting still, all foes destroying:&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i4">"A world-empire's worth the winning!</p>
+      <p class="i4">Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying.</p>
+      <p class="i6">The new god now sits beside ye,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Take the gifts he will provide ye!</p>
+      <p class="i6">He's your young Orbilian schooler,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Your Hereditary Ruler!"</p>
+      <p>(The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.)</p>
+      <p>"<i>My</i> course is right, and glorious is <i>my</i> Cause!!!"</p>
+      <p class="i2">The Prince, the god unable to restrain,</p>
+      <p class="i6">Rose from his chair,</p>
+      <p class="i6">With Jovian air,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care,</p>
+      <p class="i2">What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare,</p>
+      <p class="i2">The nectar gulped again and yet again:</p>
+      <p>Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on,</p>
+      <p>Voted himself the New God&mdash;Jupiter-(G)Ammon!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;* &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i6">"Let ALEXANDER yield the prize</p>
+      <p class="i8">To WILHELM of the Iron Crown;</p>
+      <p class="i6"><i>He</i> raised himself unto the skies,</p>
+      <p class="i8"><i>I</i> bring Olympus <i>down</i>!!!"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page112" id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span>
+
+<h3>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">No. XI.&mdash;TO PLAUSIBILITY.</p>
+
+  <p>MY DEAR PLAU,</p>
+
+  <p>I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the
+  pleasure I have received during my life from the society of your friends
+  and <i>protégés</i>. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money
+  advantages. Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be
+  found that in these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still
+  due to me. Who knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose
+  here and there I did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to
+  indulge these gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had
+  conquered me. No. What I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have
+  derived from some of the finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the
+  boards) that the world ever saw, acting in which I protest that the
+  tears, the sighs, the misery, the gallantry, the courage, the loyal
+  sentiments and the honourable promises all rang with so sincere a sound
+  that the very actor himself was subdued like the dyer's hand to the
+  colours he worked in, until he believed himself to be the most unjustly
+  persecuted of mankind, the most upright of gentlemen, or whatever the
+  special emotion he simulated required that he should seem to be for the
+  moment. That he might possibly be what, as a matter of fact, he often
+  was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at the time. He was
+  evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in any case they
+  could not spoil my æsthetic enjoyment of a notable performance. And after
+  all who is to undertake to draw the line between the good man and the
+  bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced that they were
+  admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery; somewhere in the
+  backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of intellectual
+  implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened, ever came to
+  open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious owners of it
+  passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and their actions
+  still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of course, were not
+  so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them, revealed them to
+  themselves and others, and in many cases only left them, alas, after
+  cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave these
+  divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I rather
+  wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and the
+  chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <a href="images/112.png"><img width="100%" src="images/112.png"
+      alt="Mr Wilfrid Cobbyn." /></a>
+  </div>
+  <p>I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old
+  friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have
+  heard of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement,
+  and retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST&mdash;LEONIDAS
+  MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST he had been christened by a warlike father, whose
+  military aspirations had been crushed by the necessity for a commercial
+  career, and who had taken it out of fate by devoting his son to heroism
+  at the baptismal font, and by subsequently buying him a commission in a
+  crack regiment&mdash;General TEMPEST was, in the days of which I speak, a
+  hospitable veteran whose amiability and good-nature had survived many
+  severe campaigns in which he had taken and given hard knocks wherever
+  hard knocks were to be found. His benevolence and hospitality were
+  proverbial far beyond the limits of Dansington, and his daughter CLARA
+  was one of the prettiest girls in the United Kingdom.</p>
+
+  <p>On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical
+  WILFRID COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a
+  fortnight, I learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and
+  had made himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they
+  got to know him I never quite discovered&mdash;indeed, I doubt if any of
+  them could have told me&mdash;and as to his previous history all they
+  seemed to know was that his father had property "somewhere in the West of
+  England," that he himself had travelled a great deal, and was now close
+  upon thirty years old. I am free to admit that after my first dinner in
+  his company I had very little inclination to worry myself about the
+  details of his past, so cheerful and fascinating did I find his gay
+  companionship. I cannot quite explain the charm of the man. He had a
+  roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion, and a laugh that seemed
+  to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to carry those who heard it
+  in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what stories the fellow
+  could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual convulsions, and even
+  ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth, much weighed down by
+  the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford, was pleased to unbend
+  and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the wizard COBBYN.</p>
+
+  <p>One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to
+  repeat it as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a
+  certain travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania.
+  It was a story that never seemed to cease,&mdash;a bad recommendation for
+  most stories, I admit; but in this case so artfully and with such
+  surprising humour and force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long
+  series of ludicrous sufferings culminating in the total loss of the
+  sufferer's clothes and his involuntary appearance in the full uniform of
+  a Turkish Zaptieh, with other surprising and endless episodes, that at
+  the last we had in the midst of our gasps of helpless laughter to implore
+  the narrator to stop for the sake of our sides and the resounding rafters
+  of the General's house.</p>
+
+  <p>At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as
+  the gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some
+  deathless story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved
+  from disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our
+  imaginations, which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower
+  flights, soared obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible
+  romance. Nor did he stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of
+  old-world punctilio, but before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN,
+  of whom he knew nothing except what COBBYN told him, to all the best
+  people in Dansington; nor shall I ever forget the air with which this
+  glorious rascal took the portly old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her
+  second supper at the County Ball. He rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and
+  ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's ancient retainer went on his many
+  errands, and neither the General nor his man saw anything out of the way
+  in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I thought, with some
+  favour&mdash;but as CLARA always breaks into indignant denials whenever
+  this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the members of the
+  Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises. The young
+  sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks repeated
+  to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an uncommon
+  good fellow, by Gad."</p>
+
+  <p>To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering
+  politeness which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade
+  cleverer and sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day
+  before my departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me
+  and writing my London address with much ceremony on the back of an
+  envelope, which I afterwards found lying about in a passage of the
+  General's house.</p>
+
+  <p>Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had
+  gone away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and
+  the Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the
+  result was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely
+  foolish, and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM
+  SPINDLE, who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of
+  DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income
+  with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for £1,000. Sir
+  PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him
+  £500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put £300 into
+  the Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been
+  the managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had
+  fleeced all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the
+  clouds. How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered
+  the avarice of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of
+  PACKTHREAD, and subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known.
+  Partly, no doubt, he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful
+  and candid. He <i>was</i> the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the
+  father had long since ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he
+  had really travelled and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts
+  were his good-humour, his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue
+  that gained for him the trusting confidence of his victims almost before
+  he himself knew that he meant to victimise them.</p>
+
+  <p>They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America.
+  Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular&mdash;for a time.</p>
+
+  <p>Goodbye, dear old PLAU!</p>
+
+  <p class="i16" style="margin-top: -1em;">I hope I haven't bored you.</p>
+
+<p class="center" style="margin-top: -1em;">Yours trustfully,</p>
+
+<p class="author">DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span>
+
+<h3>A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>SCENE&mdash;<i>A Theatre with Audience and Company complete.
+  The former "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking
+  forward to the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but
+  over.</i></blockquote>
+
+  <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>to</i> Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in
+  the Hall. May she come up?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess.</i> Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>arranging his powdered hair in a glass</i>).
+  Because in cases of exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up
+  herself!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess</i> (<i>smiling</i>). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not
+  know that cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is
+  more than half found out?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Servant</i> (<i>taking up coal scuttle</i>). Like the hair of your
+  Lady-ship&mdash;out of curl!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess.</i> A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me
+  avoid him. A married man is quite out of date&mdash;save when he forms
+  the subject of his own obituary.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>A pause. Enter the</i> Duchess of BATTERSEA.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess.</i> Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke
+  with me, after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his
+  head when he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to
+  catch a 'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me&mdash;where's the
+  difference?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Enter</i> Earl PENNYPLAINE.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Earl</i> (<i>angrily</i>). You here!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess</i> (<i>with an appealing gesture</i>). You are not pleased
+  to see me! You regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A
+  past unblessed by a clergyman&mdash;in fact, a past without a pastor!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Earl.</i> Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no
+  home for old jokes!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess.</i> You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you
+  so badly? Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a
+  rival? Why I have blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of
+  pounds? Do you know why I have done all this and more? I will tell you.
+  Because I am your Mother-in-law!</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+    <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>
+
+	  <a href="images/113.png"><img width="100%" src="images/113.png"
+      alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a>
+
+    <p class="center">QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic
+    author, Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq.</i></p>
+
+    <p>["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of
+    ladies, pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning
+    and half-smoked cigarette."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p>
+  </div>
+
+  <p><i>Earl</i> (<i>in a choking voice</i>). I suspected as much from the
+  very first!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Re-enter the</i> Countess, <i>carrying a heap of family
+  portraits.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Countess.</i> Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I
+  have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his
+  predecessors. Take 'em, and bless you!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess</i> (<i>overflowing with emotion</i>). My dear, this is too
+  much. (<i>Weeps.</i>) You un<i>woman</i>&mdash;I should say
+  un<i>lady</i>&mdash;me!</p>
+
+  <p><i>Enter</i> Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Lord T.C.</i> Come and marry me.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Duchess.</i> With pleasure!
+  Lawks-a-mussy!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Earl.</i> And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the
+  moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Quick Curtain.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his
+thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Author.</i> Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion
+  nowadays to do what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco
+  while I enjoy a smoke myself. (<i>Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst
+  the audience à la</i> HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my
+  tail-coat for a smoking jacket? Thank you! (<i>Makes the necessary
+  alteration of costume in the presence of the audience.</i>) And now I
+  will have a chair. (<i>Stamps, when up comes through a trap a table
+  supporting a lounge</i>), and a cup of tea. (<i>Another table appears
+  through another trap, bringing up with it a tray and a five o'clock
+  set.</i>) And now I think we are comfortable. (<i>Helps himself to tea,
+  smokes, &amp;c.</i>) I must tell you I think my piece excellent. And all
+  the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I hope
+  you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored with
+  this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to catch
+  a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a quarter of
+  an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train&mdash;I repeat, as I have
+  to catch a train&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><i>Entire Audience.</i> And so have we!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt.</i> (<i>Thus the Play ends in
+  smoke.</i>)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOW TO SAVE LONDON.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Rather more than a Fairy Story.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the
+  fact that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the
+  coal dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter.
+  He watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small
+  creature appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and
+  did not notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and
+  began to address him.</p>
+
+  <p>"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct
+  voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you
+  that, unless you wake up, you will come to grief."</p>
+
+  <p>"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned
+  the Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the
+  chances are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording
+  your vote." "What election?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the
+  Members of the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on
+  Saturday, the 5th of March, and will from that date remain in power for
+  four years!"</p>
+
+  <p>And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it
+  was in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him
+  seemed intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There
+  were to be free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers'
+  shops, free ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free
+  boot-makers, free gas companies, free waterworks&mdash;in fact,
+  everything was to be gratis.</p>
+
+  <p>"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the
+  paymaster. You will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a
+  commencement, with additional crowns to follow!"</p>
+
+  <p>"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of
+  genuine alarm.</p>
+
+  <p>"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the
+  Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."</p>
+
+  <p>And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN
+  SMITH found himself sprawling upon the floor.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.</p>
+
+  <p>And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling
+  stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.</p>
+
+  <p>At least it is to be hoped he will!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/114.png"><img width="100%" src="images/114.png"
+      alt="A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN." /></a>
+    <h3>A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">SCENE&mdash;<i>A Third-Class Carriage.</i> &nbsp;
+    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; TIME&mdash;<i>Three Hours before the next
+    Station.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; DRAMATIS PERSONÆ&mdash;
+    <i>Jones and Robinson.</i></p>
+
+    <p class="center">"IT'S THE <i>LAST</i>!&mdash;AND IT'S A TÄNDSTICKOR.
+    IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;&mdash;BUT FOR HEAVEN'S
+    SAKE, BE CAREFUL!"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT
+    OF WINDOW!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+  <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 21.</i>&mdash;"What a day he
+  <i>is</i> having to be sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking
+  across the table at the other eminent country gentleman who is our First
+  Minister of Agriculture.</p>
+
+  <p>Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height.
+  Just the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew
+  lurid picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with
+  Small Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings,
+  and recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's
+  prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however
+  entirely foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on
+  contrary, made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right
+  in both instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the
+  conviction, still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct
+  contradiction was peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman
+  addressing the House, displaying a flexibility of genius not common to
+  mankind.</p>
+
+  <p>CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear.
+  To-night, standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to
+  swell wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the
+  speech observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar
+  strategic movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN
+  was, so to speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.</p>
+
+  <p>House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN,
+  remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces
+  uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of
+  fifty-five minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general
+  observations prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind
+  of pompous platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old
+  times, Members used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like
+  the wedding guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed&mdash;though as
+  PLUNKET reminds me, the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is
+  not&mdash;the House could not help but hear. Once, when the orator
+  dropped easily into autobiographical episode, described himself strolling
+  about the fields of Lincolnshire, turning up a turnip here, drawing forth
+  a casual carrot there, meditating on the days when</p>
+
+  <p>(<i>Continued page 117</i>)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/115.png"><img width="100%" src="images/115.png"
+      alt="YOUNGER THAN EVER!" /></a>
+    <h3>YOUNGER THAN EVER!</h3>
+
+    THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!&mdash;TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!&mdash;
+    OVER!!"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<!-- page116 blank -->
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span>
+
+  <p>every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on
+  his back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by
+  permission of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a
+  tankard of chill October&mdash;at this stage, it is true, there were
+  signs of impatience amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about
+  the Bill.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:60%;">
+      <a href="images/117a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117a.png"
+      alt="Mr. G. dreams a Dream." /></a>
+     Mr. G. dreams a Dream.
+  </div>
+  <p>But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn
+  prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could
+  not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the
+  Minister of Agriculture.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Small Holdings Bill introduced.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH
+  and he of SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight;
+  attracted by debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY
+  couldn't restrain his astonishment at scene.</p>
+
+  <p>"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he
+  whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the
+  outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them
+  leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now,
+  the House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches
+  crowded; all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers
+  filling the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than
+  eighteen Members present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is
+  demonstrating how much happier Wales is under the benediction of the
+  Church than she would be without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST.
+  ASAPH, of&mdash;er&mdash;well, of an eight o'clock morning service in
+  inclement weather."</p>
+
+  <p>"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I
+  mean, in contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer
+  in Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty
+  benches, and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by
+  the small congregation&mdash;which I may say finds eloquent expression on
+  the face of our friend JOHN G. TALBOT&mdash;simply mean that they have
+  heard all these speeches before, and have made up their minds on the
+  subject. They are ready to vote, but they will not remain to hear the
+  speeches. As you say, in such circumstances it would appear more
+  businesslike to take the vote at once, and get along with other work. But
+  that is unparliamentary. This will be kept going till there is just time
+  left before the adjournment to divide. <i>Then</i> you'll see how dear is
+  this question to the hearts of our friends, and how virulent is the
+  persistence of the adversary."</p>
+
+  <p>Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten,
+  Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the
+  debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to
+  see how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the
+  Church, were careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the
+  clerical white tie.</p>
+
+  <p>"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at
+  night, but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken.
+  "I could wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front
+  displayed, our friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that
+  their coat-collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection,
+  and the white tie at least indicates nice feeling."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales
+  negatived by 267 Votes against 220.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill,
+  and, what's more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells
+  me that, though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom
+  over them. Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say,
+  in casual way, "Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed,
+  gone so far as commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These
+  are now, of course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language
+  not rich in provision of similar openings for wit.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried.
+  Rare opportunity for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords
+  to-night. Asked the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment
+  of Joint Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist
+  in words; suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty;
+  wouldn't say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious
+  part of the Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed;
+  hinted at rupture with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying
+  that if Motion for Committee were submitted, he would do his best to
+  induce their Lordships to adopt it.</p>
+
+  <p>Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all
+  about it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged
+  their head in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in
+  involved speech and well affected hesitation.</p>
+
+  <p>MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat&mdash;I mean the fog,
+  out of the bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government
+  have made up their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This
+  Joint Committee will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure
+  based on its Report will be carried through both Houses; everything will
+  be ready for return of unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.</p>
+
+  <p>"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not
+  unkindly. "But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's
+  been in my mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little
+  shrill; Free Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only
+  so-so. The Fog's the thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to
+  our standard, and with London at our back we can face the country."</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/117b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117b.png"
+      alt="Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge." /></a>
+    <p>Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St. Raphael,
+    the Riviera.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So <span
+  class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span>
+  completely is mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog
+  problem, that to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE
+  brought in Bill allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on
+  for six hours; at end of that time discovered that whole proceedings
+  irregular. As involving money question, introduction of Bill should have
+  been preceded by Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate
+  abruptly adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.</p>
+
+  <p>"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win.
+  This is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned
+  as people think) in support of our new Fog policy."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light
+  looms behind the Fog.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea.
+  All his friends on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the
+  Sunny South. No need whatever for his return; things going on admirably;
+  not missed in the least; shocking weather here; better stay where he
+  is.</p>
+
+  <p>"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light
+  flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
+  getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in
+  the slightest. Very well, then; <i>I'll go home.</i>"</p>
+
+  <p>MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY
+  downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious
+  dream. Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way,
+  others another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G.
+  leaping up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them
+  back to Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for
+  Unionist encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber,
+  distinctly saw one sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.</p>
+
+  <p>"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning
+  for a twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made
+  up for the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or
+  more watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son
+  (which I admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better
+  done to. Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud
+  of his chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of
+  me, and freshen me up. Fancy I've worn <i>him</i> out; instead of his
+  taking care of me, have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again
+  within sound of Big Ben. Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well;
+  but he'll have to tuck in his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's
+  place."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Miscellaneous.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+      <a href="images/118.png"><img width="100%" src="images/118.png"
+      alt="PASSING IT ON." /></a>
+    <h3>"PASSING IT ON."</h3>
+
+    <p><i>Rupert</i> (<i>just back from School, where he has been
+    tremendously fagged</i>). "LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND
+    DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU SHALL FINISH THE JAM&mdash;<i>WHEN I'VE QUITE
+    DONE</i>!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done
+  before, than to do a wise thing that has never been tried."&mdash;<i>Mr.
+  Balfour in the House of Commons.</i>]</blockquote>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,</p>
+      <p>He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.</p>
+      <p>All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;</p>
+      <p>Trousers we love when most they need repair,</p>
+      <p>Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,</p>
+      <p>And hats all crushed and battered into holes.</p>
+      <p>Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true,</p>
+      <p>Do all the vanished ages used to do.</p>
+      <p>We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,</p>
+      <p>And at the stake teach wretches to repent.</p>
+      <p>Clad <i>cap-à-pie</i> in mail we'll face our foes,</p>
+      <p>And arm our British soldiery with bows.</p>
+      <p>Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,</p>
+      <p>The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.</p>
+      <p>Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,</p>
+      <p>Collect stupidities and do them all.</p>
+      <p>Uneducate our men, unplough our land,</p>
+      <p>Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;</p>
+      <p>Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,</p>
+      <p>Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.</p>
+      <p>Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,</p>
+      <p>And in a word call Chaos back again.</p>
+      <p>Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,</p>
+      <p>"Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.&mdash;Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at
+  Oxford. Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under
+  lock and screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere
+  thought conjures up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on
+  the other, and loyal Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round
+  them. Never mind, BERNARD. It was a capital puff for the Socialistic
+  wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took care it should not be wasted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>A FUDGE FORMULA.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."</p>
+      <p>That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;</p>
+      <p>Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses</p>
+      <p>In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."</p>
+      <p>He thinks that all efforts injustice to right</p>
+      <p>Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.</p>
+      <p>He might just as well urge that morality's rules</p>
+      <p>Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;</p>
+      <p>Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes</p>
+      <p>Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."&mdash;The Engineers of London and
+  Birmingham have been requested, says the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, to "lay
+  their heads together," so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be
+  effected. This is an instance where to have "water on the brain" is
+  absolutely necessary. Odd to think that in this "water difficulty" are
+  contained all the elements of a burning question; so much so indeed, that
+  the Engineers who may be clever enough to solve the problem without
+  getting themselves into hot water, may confidently be expected to follow
+  up their achievement by proceeding to "set the Thames on fire."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>QUEER QUERIES.&mdash;CURRENCY REFORM.&mdash;I see that the CHANCELLOR
+  OF THE EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I
+  have all seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to
+  my lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This
+  would form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr.
+  GOSCHEN seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be
+  inscribed on the new One Pound Notes, be&mdash;"<i>Quid, pro
+  quo?</i>"&mdash;SLY-METALLIST.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119.png"
+      alt="LONDON IN VENICE." /></a>
+    <h3>LONDON IN VENICE.</h3>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/120a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120a.png"
+      alt="A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER." /></a>
+  </div>
+<h3>HORACE IN LONDON.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (<i>AD CHLORIN.</i>)</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>FORBEAR this painted show to strut</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of girlish toilet, manner skittish:</p>
+      <p>It may be <i>Fin-de-Siècle</i>, but</p>
+      <p class="i2">It isn't British.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>To dance, to swell the betting rank,</p>
+      <p class="i2">To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow;</p>
+      <p>To try to break your husband's bank</p>
+      <p class="i2">At Monte Carlo,</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;"</p>
+      <p class="i2">The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,</p>
+      <p>If act you must is scarce the part</p>
+      <p class="i2">For sixty summers.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Let Age be decent: keep your hair</p>
+      <p class="i2">Confined, if nothing else, to one dye:</p>
+      <p>I'd rather see you, I declare,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Like Mrs. GRUNDY!</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>What it may come to.</i>)</p>
+
+  <blockquote>["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our
+  soldiers, and compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as
+  highly as they do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and
+  comfort."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's
+  Committee.</i>]</blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">SCENE&mdash;<i>A Public Place.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">Sergeant KITE <i>and a</i> Possible Recruit <i>in conversation.</i></p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant Kite</i> (<i>continuing</i>). Then you must remember that
+  we are exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Possible Recruit</i> (<i>pained</i>). <i>Rations</i>! I suppose you
+  mean <i>courses</i>! I find that in all the large firms in London the
+  assistants have a dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to
+  follow. I couldn't think of joining the Army unless I had the same.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with suppressed emotion</i>). If it must be so,
+  then it must. Who's to pay the piper, <i>I</i> don't know! The Public, I
+  suppose.</p>
+
+  <p><i>P. R.</i> I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number
+  of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours
+  at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the
+  convenience of private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly
+  mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I
+  should never be called before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and
+  shaving-water might be brought to me at nine.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>after an interval</i>). Called! Early cup of
+  tea! Shaving-water! Oh, this is <i>too</i> much!</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> (<i>coolly</i>). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough.
+  There are other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow
+  feather-beds?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Feather-beds!</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes. A <i>sine quâ non</i>, I assure you. Then as to pay
+  and pensions, and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by
+  the month, with liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's
+  notice.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with sarcasm</i>). And you would wish to retire
+  at a week's notice if war were declared?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> (<i>surprised</i>). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with
+  Honour" would be my motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get
+  if I went in for civil employment?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do
+  with it. You surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work
+  of a beggarly counter-jumper?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day
+  easily in a shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as
+  I might do better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Any other point you would like to mention?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to
+  get damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The
+  principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army,
+  so that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as
+  he probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue
+  him when we got back to England. You understand my point?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every
+  soldier present at the battle from suing also?</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Nothing at all. Of course they <i>would</i> all sue. So no
+  General must be permitted to go into action without first of all
+  depositing in the High Court at home security for costs if
+  defeated,&mdash;say half a million or so.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> (<i>with forced politeness</i>). Well, I'm glad to
+  have heard your views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to
+  please him.</p>
+
+  <p><i>P.R.</i> Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My
+  offer only remains open till to-morrow morning.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sergeant K.</i> Oh&mdash;!</p>
+
+  <p>[<i>The remainder of the gallant</i> Sergeant's <i>observations are
+  not necessary for publication, neither would they be accepted as a
+  guarantee of his good faith. Exit to recruit.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"THE RING AND THE BOOK."</h3>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:25%;">
+      <a href="images/120b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120b.png"
+      alt="As practised at Eton." /></a>
+  </div>
+  <p>FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of <i>The Battle of
+  Waterloo</i> and <i>Scenes in the Circle</i>, with the once-renowned
+  WIDDICOMB as Master of the Ring, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has ever been
+  particularly fond of the old-fashioned equestrian entertainment. The Ring
+  to which he has just made allusion is, it need hardly be added, The
+  Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE READE. <i>Mr. P.</i> is not
+  sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in which the chances of
+  danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against the performer; and
+  especially does he object to children of very tender years being utilised
+  in order to earn money for their parents or guardians by exhibiting their
+  precocious agility. <i>Mr. P.</i> approves of the ancient use of the
+  birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is quite of
+  the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the rod;
+  which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously
+  applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern
+  Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going
+  so utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as
+  corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in
+  or out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for
+  this circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances.
+  Does <i>Mr. Punch</i>, representing the public generally, quite approve
+  of this portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return
+  only a qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural
+  but extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the
+  method of training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it
+  altogether: and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public
+  appearance until they were at least sixteen; their previous training
+  having been under the supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to
+  the training of animals for the circus business. If the training system
+  means "all done by kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just
+  application of a considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards
+  and punishments, then <i>Mr. P.</i> approves; but where cruelty comes in,
+  whether in the training of child or beast, <i>Mr. Punch</i> would have
+  such trainer of youth punished as <i>Nicholas Nickleby</i> punished
+  <i>Squeers</i>, in addition to imprisonment and fine; and for cruelty to
+  dumb animals <i>Mr. P.</i> would order the garotter's punishment and
+  plenty of it. Having professed this faith, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, after thus
+  "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would like to
+  know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story entitled,
+  <i>Slaves of the Sawdust</i>? As literature it is poor stuff, but as
+  written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged
+  systematic cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the
+  circus-equestrian acrobatic life, the book should not only attract
+  general notice, but should also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to
+  some united action of all responsible circus-managers against the author
+  of this work, which would result in either the said managers or the
+  authoress being "brought to book." <i>Mr. Punch</i> hath spoken. <i>Verb.
+  sap.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figleft" style="margin-bottom:8em"> <img src="images/pointer.png" alt="pointer" /> </div>
+  <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+  Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+  Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+  returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+  Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+  exception.</b></p><br clear="all" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, March 5, 1892, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+March 5, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 5, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 27, 2004 [EBook #14483]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+March 5th, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.
+
+    Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a rattling refrain
+    or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always popular. What wonder
+    clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_!" is all the rage?
+    "Her greatest creation" (_vide_ advertisements), "sung and danced with
+    the utmost _verve_," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to
+    attach a meaning to it? Let us try:--
+
+No. VI.--THAT'S HOW WE BOOM TO-DAY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+              I.
+
+  A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be
+  To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety;
+  Not too strict, of swagger free,
+  And as "fly" as "fly" can be.
+  Ever pushing, ever bold,
+  (Else one's left "out in the cold")
+  Thus Success you grasp, and hold.
+  And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,--
+
+              _Chorus._
+
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+      That's how we "boom" to-day!
+      Bra-va! We "boom" to-day!
+      Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_And so on, six times or more._
+
+              II.
+
+  All want to "Boom." But don't be shy,
+  For modesty is all my eye.
+  Shun all reserve, if you would try
+  For "paying" notoriety.
+  If you would "make your pile" in haste,
+  You must not bother about "taste."
+  _Every_ chance must be embraced,
+  If you would sing when fairly "placed,"
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Over and over again._
+
+              III.
+
+  Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far
+  Than 'twas of old to be a Star.
+  Hit on some trick crepuscular,
+  Like smudge or smoke, and there you are!
+  They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So
+  You're sure--in time--to be a go.
+  You will catch on, and sell, although
+  Your meaning not a soul may know,--
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!
+              [_Ad libitum._
+
+              IV.
+
+  If Humour is your little line,
+  Coherent sense you must resign,
+  Cry, "Paradox alone's divine!
+  LAMB had _his_ manner, _this_ is Mine!"
+  Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone
+  Of mirth till all the marrow's gone;
+  And crowds, who first stared like a stone,
+  Your "subtle genius" soon will own.
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Ad nauseam._
+
+              V.
+
+  Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred?
+  There you may "boom" it like a bird.
+  Turn on the Absolute-Absurd;
+  By that strange tap the mob is stirred.
+  Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim;
+  Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim,
+  Anything meaning morbid whim;
+  Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what _vim_!"
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day!
+              [_As long as you like_!
+
+              VI.
+
+  Or would you even higher fly,
+  And found a "Cult"? You've but to try.
+  That blend fools follow in full cry,
+  Meaninglessness _plus_ Mystery!
+  A witch astride upon a broom,
+  A bogie in a darkened room,
+  Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,--
+  Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"!
+      _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_Till you are tired of it._
+
+              VII.
+
+  Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent.,
+  With that Big Drum, Advertisement.
+  Nonsense, with _nous_ discreetly blent,
+  Finds the world cheated--and content.
+  But "make your game" while yet there's room,
+  For novel shapes of quackery. Doom
+  Awaits us in the outer gloom:
+  A day _may_ come when Bosh _won't_ "Boom"!
+
+              _Chorus._
+      That's how we "boom" to-day!
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+      Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day!
+      Tra-la! We "boom" to-day!
+              [_And so on till further orders._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ASSISTED EDUCATION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants to his Chief,
+"Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the memory of CHARLES
+DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr. LAWRENCE HUTTON who
+has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE & CO. who publish, a series of letters
+addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They bear date between the years 1851
+and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S papers after his death, and prove not
+the least precious of his possessions. _Foster's Life of Dickens_ will
+undoubtedly remain the medium through which the outer world shall know the
+great novelist." "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way
+in which admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd
+among us. You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your
+observations interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed
+continued. "But, Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste
+those volumes leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many
+of the letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase
+of his character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with
+some tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little
+volume of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best,
+whether as a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work."
+
+BARON DE BOOKWORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION."
+
+(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND. "WITH
+RAVISHED EARS, THE MONARCH HEARS, ASSUMES THE GOD, AFFECTS TO NOD, AND
+SEEMS TO SHAKE THE SPHERES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE UP TO DATE.
+
+_Cousin Madge._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. SO MANY THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF
+US!"          _Charlie._ "_NOT AT ALL_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST
+
+OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.
+
+(_An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long way after Dryden._)
+
+    ["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN EMPEROR said:--
+    'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally attends me in my
+    work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my task, and to
+    advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this are added
+    the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my
+    unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and
+    Dennewitz, will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite
+    pains with our ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot
+    suppose he has done this for no purpose.... My course is the right one,
+    and it will be persevered in."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+  'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set
+      For Providence's pet:
+      Aloft in Teuton state
+      The god-like hero sate
+          On his Imperial throne:
+    His Brandenburgers listened round,
+    Appreciative of the Power of Sound;
+    All admire shouting--when the Shouter's crowned!
+      The Jovian Eagle at his side
+      Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed
+      The Olympian hero in his pride.
+
+  Happy, happy, happy Chief!
+      None but the loud,
+      None but the loud,
+  From the crass crowd may win belief!
+  His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled,
+  And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World!
+    The listening crowd admire the lofty sound.
+    "A present deity!" they shout around.
+    "A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound.
+      With ravished ears,
+      The monarch hears,
+        Assumes the god,
+        Affects to nod,
+      And seems to shake the spheres!
+
+  In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke,
+    In language like a huge thrasonic joke.
+    The newest god in triumph comes;
+    Blare the trumpets, thump the drums:
+    Flushed with a purple grace,
+    He lifts his Jovian face!
+  Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes!
+  New ALEXANDER fair and young,
+  Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again
+      To Brandenburg, that treasure
+      Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure,
+      Rich the treasure,
+      Sweet the pleasure,
+    Which to the gods has given such pain!
+
+  Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain,
+  Fights all his battles o'er again;
+  'Twas Heaven that routed all _his_ foes, Olympus slew _his_ slain.
+    _He_ has the greatest of allies!
+    Doubters are dastards in _his_ eyes,
+    And grumblers at their deified
+    Young Emperor in his proper pride.
+      Should shake from their false shoes
+      Germania's dust. The Muse
+    Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good,
+      By a benignant fate
+      Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted,
+      Lifted to a god's estate,
+          Olympian in his mood:
+
+    *     *     *     *     *
+
+  The mighty Master smiled to see,
+  Infant-in-Arms, young Germany,
+  Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap,
+  And, quite a promising young chap,
+  Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle,
+  And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle,
+    Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles,
+    Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles,
+    A tremendous time beginning;
+      Fighting still, all foes destroying:--
+      "A world-empire's worth the winning!
+      Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying.
+        The new god now sits beside ye,
+        Take the gifts he will provide ye!
+        He's your young Orbilian schooler,
+        Your Hereditary Ruler!"
+  (The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.)
+  "_My_ course is right, and glorious is _my_ Cause!!!"
+    The Prince, the god unable to restrain,
+        Rose from his chair,
+        With Jovian air,
+    And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care,
+    What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare,
+    The nectar gulped again and yet again:
+  Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on,
+  Voted himself the New God--Jupiter-(G)Ammon!
+
+    *     *     *     *     *
+
+        "Let ALEXANDER yield the prize
+          To WILHELM of the Iron Crown;
+        _He_ raised himself unto the skies,
+          _I_ bring Olympus _down_!!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+No. XI.--TO PLAUSIBILITY.
+
+MY DEAR PLAU,
+
+I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the pleasure
+I have received during my life from the society of your friends and
+_proteges_. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money advantages.
+Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be found that in
+these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still due to me. Who
+knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose here and there I
+did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to indulge these
+gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had conquered me. No. What
+I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have derived from some of the
+finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the boards) that the world ever
+saw, acting in which I protest that the tears, the sighs, the misery, the
+gallantry, the courage, the loyal sentiments and the honourable promises
+all rang with so sincere a sound that the very actor himself was subdued
+like the dyer's hand to the colours he worked in, until he believed himself
+to be the most unjustly persecuted of mankind, the most upright of
+gentlemen, or whatever the special emotion he simulated required that he
+should seem to be for the moment. That he might possibly be what, as a
+matter of fact, he often was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at
+the time. He was evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in
+any case they could not spoil my aesthetic enjoyment of a notable
+performance. And after all who is to undertake to draw the line between the
+good man and the bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced
+that they were admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery;
+somewhere in the backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of
+intellectual implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened,
+ever came to open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious
+owners of it passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and
+their actions still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of
+course, were not so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them,
+revealed them to themselves and others, and in many cases only left them,
+alas, after cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave
+these divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I
+rather wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and
+the chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old
+friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have heard
+of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement, and
+retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST--LEONIDAS MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST
+he had been christened by a warlike father, whose military aspirations had
+been crushed by the necessity for a commercial career, and who had taken it
+out of fate by devoting his son to heroism at the baptismal font, and by
+subsequently buying him a commission in a crack regiment--General TEMPEST
+was, in the days of which I speak, a hospitable veteran whose amiability
+and good-nature had survived many severe campaigns in which he had taken
+and given hard knocks wherever hard knocks were to be found. His
+benevolence and hospitality were proverbial far beyond the limits of
+Dansington, and his daughter CLARA was one of the prettiest girls in the
+United Kingdom.
+
+On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical WILFRID
+COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a fortnight, I
+learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and had made
+himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they got to know
+him I never quite discovered--indeed, I doubt if any of them could have
+told me--and as to his previous history all they seemed to know was that
+his father had property "somewhere in the West of England," that he himself
+had travelled a great deal, and was now close upon thirty years old. I am
+free to admit that after my first dinner in his company I had very little
+inclination to worry myself about the details of his past, so cheerful and
+fascinating did I find his gay companionship. I cannot quite explain the
+charm of the man. He had a roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion,
+and a laugh that seemed to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to
+carry those who heard it in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what
+stories the fellow could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual
+convulsions, and even ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth,
+much weighed down by the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford,
+was pleased to unbend and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the
+wizard COBBYN.
+
+One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to repeat it
+as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a certain
+travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania. It was a
+story that never seemed to cease,--a bad recommendation for most stories, I
+admit; but in this case so artfully and with such surprising humour and
+force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long series of ludicrous
+sufferings culminating in the total loss of the sufferer's clothes and his
+involuntary appearance in the full uniform of a Turkish Zaptieh, with other
+surprising and endless episodes, that at the last we had in the midst of
+our gasps of helpless laughter to implore the narrator to stop for the sake
+of our sides and the resounding rafters of the General's house.
+
+At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as the
+gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some deathless
+story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved from
+disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our imaginations,
+which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower flights, soared
+obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible romance. Nor did he
+stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of old-world punctilio, but
+before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN, of whom he knew nothing
+except what COBBYN told him, to all the best people in Dansington; nor
+shall I ever forget the air with which this glorious rascal took the portly
+old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her second supper at the County Ball. He
+rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's
+ancient retainer went on his many errands, and neither the General nor his
+man saw anything out of the way in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I
+thought, with some favour--but as CLARA always breaks into indignant
+denials whenever this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the
+members of the Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises.
+The young sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks
+repeated to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an
+uncommon good fellow, by Gad."
+
+To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering politeness
+which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade cleverer and
+sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day before my
+departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me and writing my
+London address with much ceremony on the back of an envelope, which I
+afterwards found lying about in a passage of the General's house.
+
+Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had gone
+away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and the
+Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the result
+was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely foolish,
+and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM SPINDLE,
+who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of
+DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income
+with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for L1,000. Sir
+PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him
+L500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put L300 into the
+Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been the
+managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had fleeced
+all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the clouds.
+How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered the avarice
+of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of PACKTHREAD, and
+subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known. Partly, no doubt,
+he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful and candid. He
+_was_ the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the father had long since
+ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he had really travelled
+and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts were his good-humour,
+his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue that gained for him the
+trusting confidence of his victims almost before he himself knew that he
+meant to victimise them.
+
+They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America.
+Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular--for a time.
+
+Goodbye, dear old PLAU!
+                I hope I haven't bored you.
+                                Yours trustfully,
+                                                DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY.
+
+    SCENE--_A Theatre with Audience and Company complete. The former
+    "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking forward to
+    the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but over._
+
+_Servant_ (_to_ Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in the Hall. May she
+come up?
+
+_Countess._ Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?
+
+_Servant_ (_arranging his powdered hair in a glass_). Because in cases of
+exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up herself!
+
+_Countess_ (_smiling_). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not know that
+cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is more than
+half found out?
+
+_Servant_ (_taking up coal scuttle_). Like the hair of your Lady-ship--out
+of curl!           [_Exit._
+
+_Countess._ A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me avoid him. A
+married man is quite out of date--save when he forms the subject of his own
+obituary.           [_Exit._
+
+_A pause. Enter the_ Duchess of BATTERSEA.
+
+_Duchess._ Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke with me,
+after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his head when
+he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to catch a
+'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me--where's the difference?
+
+_Enter_ Earl PENNYPLAINE.
+
+_Earl_ (_angrily_). You here!
+
+_Duchess_ (_with an appealing gesture_). You are not pleased to see me! You
+regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A past unblessed
+by a clergyman--in fact, a past without a pastor!
+
+_Earl._ Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no home for
+old jokes!
+
+_Duchess._ You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you so badly?
+Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival? Why I have
+blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds? Do you know
+why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. Because I am your
+Mother-in-law!
+
+_Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first!
+
+_Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.
+
+QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!
+
+_Being Lady Windy-mere's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author,
+Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq._
+
+["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies,
+pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half-
+smoked cigarette."--_Daily Telegraph._]]
+
+_Countess._ Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have
+brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take
+'em, and bless you!
+
+_Duchess_ (_overflowing with emotion_). My dear, this is too much.
+(_Weeps._) You un_woman_--I should say un_lady_--me!
+
+_Enter_ Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.
+
+_Lord T.C._ Come and marry me.
+
+_Duchess._ With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy!           [_Exeunt._
+
+_Earl._ And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings
+like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.
+
+_Quick Curtain._
+
+_Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and
+forefinger a lighted cigarette._
+
+_Author._ Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do
+what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a
+smoke myself. (_Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience a la_
+HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking
+jacket? Thank you! (_Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the
+presence of the audience._) And now I will have a chair. (_Stamps, when up
+comes through a trap a table supporting a lounge_), and a cup of tea.
+(_Another table appears through another trap, bringing up with it a tray
+and a five o'clock set._) And now I think we are comfortable. (_Helps
+himself to tea, smokes, &c._) I must tell you I think my piece excellent.
+And all the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I
+hope you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored
+with this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to
+catch a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a
+quarter of an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train--I repeat, as I
+have to catch a train--
+
+_Entire Audience._ And so have we!           [_Exeunt._ (_Thus the Play
+ends in smoke._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SAVE LONDON.
+
+(_Rather more than a Fairy Story._)
+
+JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the fact
+that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the coal
+dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter. He
+watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small creature
+appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and did not
+notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and began to
+address him.
+
+"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct
+voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you that,
+unless you wake up, you will come to grief."
+
+"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?"
+
+"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned the
+Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the chances
+are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording your vote."
+"What election?"
+
+"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the Members of
+the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on Saturday, the 5th of
+March, and will from that date remain in power for four years!"
+
+And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it was
+in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him seemed
+intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There were to be
+free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers' shops, free
+ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free boot-makers,
+free gas companies, free waterworks--in fact, everything was to be gratis.
+
+"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.
+
+"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the paymaster. You
+will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a commencement, with
+additional crowns to follow!"
+
+"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of genuine
+alarm.
+
+"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the
+Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."
+
+And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN SMITH
+found himself sprawling upon the floor.
+
+"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.
+
+And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling
+stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.
+
+At least it is to be hoped he will!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN.
+
+SCENE--_A Third-Class Carriage._       TIME--_Three Hours before the next
+Station._       DRAMATIS PERSONAE--_Jones and Robinson._
+
+"IT'S THE _LAST_!--AND IT'S A TAeNDSTICKOR. IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!"
+
+"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;--BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL!"
+
+"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT OF WINDOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 21._--"What a day he _is_ having to be
+sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking across the table at the
+other eminent country gentleman who is our First Minister of Agriculture.
+
+Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height. Just
+the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew lurid
+picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with Small
+Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings, and
+recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's
+prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however entirely
+foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on contrary,
+made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right in both
+instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the conviction,
+still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct contradiction was
+peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman addressing the House,
+displaying a flexibility of genius not common to mankind.
+
+CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear. To-night,
+standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to swell
+wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the speech
+observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar strategic
+movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN was, so to
+speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.
+
+House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN,
+remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces
+uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of fifty-five
+minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general observations
+prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind of pompous
+platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old times, Members
+used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like the wedding
+guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed--though as PLUNKET reminds me,
+the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is not--the House could not help
+but hear. Once, when the orator dropped easily into autobiographical
+episode, described himself strolling about the fields of Lincolnshire,
+turning up a turnip here, drawing forth a casual carrot there, meditating
+on the days when
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YOUNGER THAN EVER!
+
+THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!--TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!--OVER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on his
+back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by permission
+of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a tankard of
+chill October--at this stage, it is true, there were signs of impatience
+amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about the Bill.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. G. dreams a Dream.]
+
+But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn
+prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could
+not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the Minister
+of Agriculture.
+
+_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill introduced.
+
+_Tuesday._--Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH and he of
+SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight; attracted by
+debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY couldn't restrain his
+astonishment at scene.
+
+"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he
+whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the
+outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them
+leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now, the
+House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches crowded;
+all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers filling
+the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than eighteen Members
+present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is demonstrating how much
+happier Wales is under the benediction of the Church than she would be
+without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST. ASAPH, of--er--well, of an
+eight o'clock morning service in inclement weather."
+
+"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I mean, in
+contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer in
+Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty benches,
+and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by the small
+congregation--which I may say finds eloquent expression on the face of our
+friend JOHN G. TALBOT--simply mean that they have heard all these speeches
+before, and have made up their minds on the subject. They are ready to
+vote, but they will not remain to hear the speeches. As you say, in such
+circumstances it would appear more businesslike to take the vote at once,
+and get along with other work. But that is unparliamentary. This will be
+kept going till there is just time left before the adjournment to divide.
+_Then_ you'll see how dear is this question to the hearts of our friends,
+and how virulent is the persistence of the adversary."
+
+Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten,
+Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the
+debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to see
+how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the Church, were
+careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the clerical white
+tie.
+
+"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at night,
+but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken. "I could
+wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front displayed, our
+friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that their coat-
+collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection, and the white
+tie at least indicates nice feeling."
+
+_Business done._--Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales negatived by 267
+Votes against 220.
+
+_Wednesday._--PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill, and, what's
+more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells me that,
+though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom over them.
+Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say, in casual way,
+"Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed, gone so far as
+commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These are now, of
+course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language not rich in
+provision of similar openings for wit.
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried. Rare opportunity
+for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.
+
+_Thursday._--MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords to-night. Asked
+the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment of Joint
+Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist in words;
+suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty; wouldn't
+say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious part of the
+Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed; hinted at rupture
+with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying that if Motion for
+Committee were submitted, he would do his best to induce their Lordships to
+adopt it.
+
+Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all about
+it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged their head
+in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in involved
+speech and well affected hesitation.
+
+MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat--I mean the fog, out of the
+bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government have made up
+their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This Joint Committee
+will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure based on its Report
+will be carried through both Houses; everything will be ready for return of
+unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.
+
+"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not unkindly.
+"But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's been in my
+mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little shrill; Free
+Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only so-so. The Fog's the
+thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to our standard, and with
+London at our back we can face the country."
+
+[Illustration: Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St.
+Raphael, the Riviera.]
+
+Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So completely is
+mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog problem, that
+to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE brought in Bill
+allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on for six hours; at
+end of that time discovered that whole proceedings irregular. As involving
+money question, introduction of Bill should have been preceded by
+Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate abruptly
+adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.
+
+"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win. This
+is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned as
+people think) in support of our new Fog policy."
+
+_Business done._--Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light looms behind the
+Fog.
+
+_Friday._--News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea. All his friends
+on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the Sunny South. No need
+whatever for his return; things going on admirably; not missed in the
+least; shocking weather here; better stay where he is.
+
+"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light
+flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
+getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in
+the slightest. Very well, then; _I'll go home._"
+
+MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY
+downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious dream.
+Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way, others
+another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G. leaping
+up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them back to
+Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for Unionist
+encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, distinctly saw one
+sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.
+
+"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning for a
+twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made up for
+the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or more
+watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son (which I
+admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better done to.
+Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud of his
+chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of me, and
+freshen me up. Fancy I've worn _him_ out; instead of his taking care of me,
+have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again within sound of Big Ben.
+Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well; but he'll have to tuck in
+his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's place."
+
+_Business done._--Miscellaneous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PASSING IT ON."
+
+_Rupert_ (_just back from School, where he has been tremendously fagged_).
+"LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU
+SHALL FINISH THE JAM--_WHEN I'VE QUITE DONE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.
+
+    ["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before, than to
+    do a wise thing that has never been tried."--_Mr. Balfour in the House
+    of Commons._]
+
+  HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,
+  He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.
+  All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;
+  Trousers we love when most they need repair,
+  Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,
+  And hats all crushed and battered into holes.
+  Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true,
+  Do all the vanished ages used to do.
+  We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,
+  And at the stake teach wretches to repent.
+  Clad _cap-a-pie_ in mail we'll face our foes,
+  And arm our British soldiery with bows.
+  Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,
+  The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.
+  Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,
+  Collect stupidities and do them all.
+  Uneducate our men, unplough our land,
+  Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;
+  Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,
+  Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.
+  Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,
+  And in a word call Chaos back again.
+  Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,
+  "Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.--Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at Oxford.
+Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under lock and
+screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought conjures
+up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on the other, and loyal
+Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round them. Never mind, BERNARD.
+It was a capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took
+care it should not be wasted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FUDGE FORMULA.
+
+  "To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."
+  That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;
+  Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses
+  In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."
+  He thinks that all efforts injustice to right
+  Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.
+  He might just as well urge that morality's rules
+  Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;
+  Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes
+  Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."--The Engineers of London and Birmingham have
+been requested, says the _Daily Telegraph_, to "lay their heads together,"
+so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be effected. This is an
+instance where to have "water on the brain" is absolutely necessary. Odd to
+think that in this "water difficulty" are contained all the elements of a
+burning question; so much so indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever
+enough to solve the problem without getting themselves into hot water, may
+confidently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding to
+"set the Thames on fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.--CURRENCY REFORM.--I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE
+EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I have all
+seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my
+lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This would
+form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN
+seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the
+new One Pound Notes, be--"_Quid, pro quo?_"--SLY-METALLIST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LONDON IN VENICE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HORACE IN LONDON.
+
+TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (_AD CHLORIN._)
+
+  FORBEAR this painted show to strut
+    Of girlish toilet, manner skittish:
+  It may be _Fin-de-Siecle_, but
+    It isn't British.
+
+  To dance, to swell the betting rank,
+    To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow;
+  To try to break your husband's bank
+    At Monte Carlo,
+
+  Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;"
+    The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,
+  If act you must is scarce the part
+    For sixty summers.
+
+  Let Age be decent: keep your hair
+    Confined, if nothing else, to one dye:
+  I'd rather see you, I declare,
+    Like Mrs. GRUNDY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.
+
+(_What it may come to._)
+
+    ["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and
+    compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they
+    do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."--_Daily
+    Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee._]
+
+SCENE--_A Public Place._
+
+Sergeant KITE _and a_ Possible Recruit _in conversation._
+
+_Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are
+exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.
+
+_Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I
+find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of
+six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of
+joining the Army unless I had the same.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must.
+Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose.
+
+_P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these
+useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which
+they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of
+private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should
+not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called
+before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to
+me at nine.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving-
+water! Oh, this is _too_ much!
+
+_P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are
+other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?
+
+_Sergeant K._ Feather-beds!
+
+_P.R._ Yes. A _sine qua non_, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions,
+and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with
+liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with sarcasm_). And you would wish to retire at a week's
+notice if war were declared?
+
+_P.R._ (_surprised_). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my
+motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for
+civil employment?
+
+_Sergeant K._ No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You
+surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly
+counter-jumper?
+
+_P.R._ Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a
+shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do
+better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.
+
+_Sergeant K._ Any other point you would like to mention?
+
+_P.R._ Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get
+damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The
+principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so
+that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he
+probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him
+when we got back to England. You understand my point?
+
+_Sergeant K._ Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier
+present at the battle from suing also?
+
+_P.R._ Nothing at all. Of course they _would_ all sue. So no General must
+be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High
+Court at home security for costs if defeated,--say half a million or so.
+
+_Sergeant K._ (_with forced politeness_). Well, I'm glad to have heard your
+views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him.
+
+_P.R._ Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only
+remains open till to-morrow morning.
+
+_Sergeant K._ Oh--!
+
+[_The remainder of the gallant_ Sergeant's _observations are not necessary
+for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good
+faith. Exit to recruit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE RING AND THE BOOK."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of _The Battle of Waterloo_ and
+_Scenes in the Circle_, with the once-renowned WIDDICOMB as Master of the
+Ring, _Mr. Punch_ has ever been particularly fond of the old-fashioned
+equestrian entertainment. The Ring to which he has just made allusion is,
+it need hardly be added, The Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE
+READE. _Mr. P._ is not sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in
+which the chances of danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against
+the performer; and especially does he object to children of very tender
+years being utilised in order to earn money for their parents or guardians
+by exhibiting their precocious agility. _Mr. P._ approves of the ancient
+use of the birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is
+quite of the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the
+rod; which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously
+applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern
+Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going so
+utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as
+corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in or
+out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for this
+circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances. Does
+_Mr. Punch_, representing the public generally, quite approve of this
+portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return only a
+qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural but
+extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the method of
+training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it altogether:
+and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public appearance until
+they were at least sixteen; their previous training having been under the
+supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to the training of animals
+for the circus business. If the training system means "all done by
+kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just application of a
+considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards and punishments,
+then _Mr. P._ approves; but where cruelty comes in, whether in the training
+of child or beast, _Mr. Punch_ would have such trainer of youth punished as
+_Nicholas Nickleby_ punished _Squeers_, in addition to imprisonment and
+fine; and for cruelty to dumb animals _Mr. P._ would order the garotter's
+punishment and plenty of it. Having professed this faith, _Mr. Punch_,
+after thus "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would
+like to know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story
+entitled, _Slaves of the Sawdust_? As literature it is poor stuff, but as
+written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged systematic
+cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the circus-equestrian
+acrobatic life, the book should not only attract general notice, but should
+also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to some united action of all
+responsible circus-managers against the author of this work, which would
+result in either the said managers or the authoress being "brought to
+book." _Mr. Punch_ hath spoken. _Verb. sap._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, March 5, 1892, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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