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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Perfect Behavior
+       A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises
+
+Author: Donald Ogden Stewart
+
+Posting Date: August 26, 2008 [EBook #1446]
+Release Date: September, 1998
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Keller
+
+
+
+
+
+PERFECT BEHAVIOR
+
+By Donald Ogden Stewart
+
+A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises
+
+
+     Those who are not self-possessed obtrude
+     and pain us.--EMERSON
+
+
+
+
+PERFECT BEHAVIOR
+
+
+     A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of "A Parody
+     Outline of History"
+
+     The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes
+     pain.--OLD PROVERB
+
+
+
+
+     TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED
+     BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE
+     ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT
+     ARM OF HER FATHER
+     With Deepest Sympathy
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+  Chapter
+  I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP
+  A Few Words about Love--Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab--A
+  Silly Girl--Correct Introductions and how to Make Them--A
+  Well Known Congressman's Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish
+  Bath--Cards and Flowers--Flowers and their Message in
+  Courtship--"A Clean Tooth Never Decays"--Receiving an
+  Invitation to Call--The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone
+  Girl's Horrible End--Making the First Call--Conversation and
+  Some of its Uses--A Proper Call--The Proposal Proper-The Proposal
+  Improper--What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the
+  ex-Clergyman's Niece.
+
+  II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS
+  The Historic Aspect--Announcing the Engagement--A Breton Fisher
+  Girl's Experience with a Traveling Salesman--The Bride-to-Be--The
+  Engagement Luncheon--Selecting the Bridal Party--Invitations and
+  Wedding Presents--A Good Joke on the Groom--"Madam, those are
+  my trousers"--Duties of the Best Man--A Demented Taxidermist's
+  Strange Gift--The Bride's Tea--The Maid of Honor--What Aunt
+  Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some
+  Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda--The Rehearsal--The
+  Bridal Dinner--A Church Wedding.
+
+  III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL
+  Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism--Description of a Walk around
+  Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837--Travelling by Rail--
+  Good Form on a Street Car--In the Subway--Fun with an Old
+  Gentleman's Whiskers--A Honeymoon in a Subway--Travelling under
+  Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in
+  His Lower Berth.
+
+  IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA
+  Listening to a Symphony Orchestra--Curious Effect of Debussy's
+  "Apres-midi d'un Faune" and four gin fizzes on Uncle
+  Frederick--"No, fool like an old fool"--Correct Behavior at a
+  Piano Recital--Choosing One's Nearest Exit--In a Box at the
+  Opera--What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old
+  Victrola Records.
+
+  V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS
+  Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition--Interesting Effect of Whisky
+  on Goldfish--The College Graduate as Dry Agent--Aunt Emily's
+  Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a
+  Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes--A California
+  Motion Picture Actress's Bad Taste--Good Form for Dry Agents
+  During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead.
+
+  VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS
+  Selecting a Proper School--Account of an Interesting Trip Down
+  the Eric Canal with Miss Spence--Correct Equipment for the
+  Schoolgirl--En Route--ln New York--A journey Around the
+  City--Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in
+  1858--The First Days in the New School--"After Lights" in a
+  Dormitory--An "Old Schoolgirl's" Confessions--Becoming
+  Acclimatized--A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets.
+
+  VIIS. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS
+  Golf as a Pastime--What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His
+  Niblic--An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice--"Shoot you
+  for your ear trumpet, grandfather!"--Correct Behavior on a
+  Picnic--A Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato
+  Chips--Boxing in American Society--A Good Joke on an Amateur
+  Boxer--"He didn't know it was Jack Dempsey!"--Bridge
+  Whist--Formal and Informal Drinking--A jolly Hallowe'en
+  Party--Invitations--Receiving the Guests--How to
+  Mystify--Games.
+
+  VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS
+  Correspondence for Young Ladies--College Boys How to Order a Full
+  Dress Suit by Mail--Letters to Parents--A Prominent Retired
+  Bank President's Advice to Correspondents--Letters from
+  Parents--Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York--Letters
+  to Prospective Fathers-in-Law--A Correct Form of Letter to a
+  Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for
+  Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents--Love
+  Letters--Correspondence of Public Officials---Letters to
+  Strangers--Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.--Invitations,
+  Acceptances and Regrets.
+
+  IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS
+  Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children--Removing
+  Stains from Gray Silk--A Child's Garden of Etiquette--Etiquette
+  in the School--Conversation at Dinner--What a New Jersey Lady Did
+  with Her Olive Seeds--Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner
+  Table Conversation--"It Seems that Pat and Mike"--Balls and
+  Dances---Artificial Respiration--Mixed Dancing--Hints for Stags.
+
+  A Word of Warning and Encouragement
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP
+
+
+A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE
+
+Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in
+some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing
+of white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the
+etiquette of courtship were apparently connected in some way with the
+custom of "love" between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms
+still survive in the modern courtship. It is generally agreed among
+students of the history of etiquette that when "love" first began to
+become popular among the better class of younger people they took to it
+with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of rules
+for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These rules, together
+with various amendments, now constitute the etiquette of courtship.
+
+Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe
+desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young
+girl of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the
+bond business. One morning there comes into your financial institution
+a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention
+by her genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the
+president of your company "father." So many young people seem to think
+it "smart" to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are
+certain, as soon as you hear her say "Hello, father" to your employer,
+that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship.
+
+
+CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM
+
+Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction.
+Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and
+many errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of savoir faire
+(correct form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example,
+it is not au fait (correct form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to
+shake hands with my friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde
+(correct form) this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss
+Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady first,
+unless you are introducing some one to the President of the United
+States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a
+baron, or a customer. The person who is being "introduced" then extends
+his (or her) right ungloved hand and says, "Shake." You "shake," saying
+at the same time, "It's warm (cool) for November (May)," to which the
+other replies, "I'll say it is."
+
+This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to
+each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally
+done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of course you know
+Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, so that it sounds like
+any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in
+nine cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, "I didn't
+get the name," at which you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner
+several times, saying at the same time, "Well, well--so you didn't
+get the name--you didn't get the name--well, well." If the man still
+persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced,
+the best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a
+club or convenient slab of paving stone.
+
+The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the
+introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as
+follows:
+
+Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of
+the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register,
+preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, and go there
+on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the rope across the
+sidewalk in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the
+ground. Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to
+the young lady's house in several places and retire behind a convenient
+tree. After some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to
+run out of her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement
+she will fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across
+the sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an
+introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, you
+say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I
+cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the sidewalk." If she
+is well bred, she will not at first speak to you, as you are a perfect
+stranger. This silence, however, should be your cue to once more tip
+your hat and remark, "I realize, Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor
+of an introduction, but you will admit that you are lying prone on the
+sidewalk. Here is my card--and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother."
+At that you should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each
+containing your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her
+family--aunts, grandmothers, et cetera--it is correct to leave cards for
+them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the name on the calling
+card is generally sufficient for identification purposes without the
+addition of the thumbprint.
+
+When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after
+which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from
+the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at
+this time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it
+would be well to bow and retire.
+
+
+{illustration caption = Every one knows that table manners betray one's
+bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to
+wish a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been
+restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet's shoulder, upon
+which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while
+Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner. PERFECT
+BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal Dinners.}
+
+
+{illustration caption = When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to
+whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has
+been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely
+lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street
+etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.}
+
+{illustration caption = You are, let us pretend, walking in the park.
+You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would
+you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a
+young man just out of college--(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid
+embarrassment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.}
+
+
+{illustration caption = A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a
+house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been
+educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the
+jew's harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the
+world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming
+evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you--be honest!--have
+recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having
+referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?}
+
+
+{illustration caption = The young mother in the picture is traveling
+from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great
+a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a
+hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in PERFECT
+BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have produced
+quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for
+the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider area.}
+
+
+
+CARDS AND FLOWERS
+
+The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of
+your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling
+the events of the preceding evening--nothing intimate, but simply a
+reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly
+desire to continue the acquaintanceship. Quotations from poetry of the
+better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might
+be nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers--"'This is the
+forest primeval'--H. W. Longfellow," or "'Take, oh take, those lips
+away'--W. Shakespeare." You will find there are hundreds of lines
+equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this
+connection it might be well to display a little originality at times by
+substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional
+quotations. For example--"This is the forest primeval, I regret your
+last evening's upheaval," shows the young lady in question that not only
+are you well-read in classic poetry, but also you have no mean talent
+of your own. Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in
+polite social intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors
+of the social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk
+on their own hook.
+
+Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should
+receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: "My dear Mr. Roe:
+Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I
+cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance
+fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely
+of you."
+
+
+FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP
+
+It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courtship.
+Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is
+"interested," and the next move is "up to you." Probably she will soon
+come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have
+ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted
+geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of
+the correct species, for in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have
+different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because
+a suitor sent his lady a buttercup, meaning "That's the last dance I'll
+ever take you to, you big cow," instead of a plant with a more tender
+significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in
+courtship are as follows:
+
+Fringed Gentian--"I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30."
+
+Poppy--"I would be proud to be the father of your children."
+
+Golden-rod--"I hear that you have hay-fever."
+
+Tuberose--"Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway station."
+
+Blood-root--"Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday."
+
+Dutchman's Breeches--"That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has
+arrived. Come on over."
+
+Iris--"Could you learn to love an optician?"
+
+Aster--"Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the
+hotel lobby Friday?"
+
+Deadly Nightshade--"Pull down those blinds, quick!"
+
+Passion Flower--"Phone Main 1249--ask for Eddie."
+
+Raspberry--"I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O'Keefe Tuesday."
+
+Wild Thyme--"I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon."
+
+
+The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as,
+for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia
+creeper generally signifies the following, "The reason I didn't call for
+you yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot
+of engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh,
+I'm sorry!"
+
+But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss Doe
+leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left
+hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat
+(or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, "I
+beg your pardon, miss, but didn't you drop this?" A great deal depends
+upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives
+it. If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means,
+"Dare I hope?" Reversed, it signifies, "Your petticoat shows about an
+inch, or an inch and a half." If she receives the plant in her right
+hand, it means, "I am"; left hand, "You are"; both hands--"He, she or it
+is." If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it
+with great force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your
+only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology.
+
+
+RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL
+
+Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner
+that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move
+should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This
+should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to
+suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, "Oh--so you live
+on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the
+evening, but I have never called on any girl there--YET." The "yet"
+may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a
+friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually "dense" she
+will probably "take the hint" and invite you to come and see her some
+evening. At once you should say, "WHAT evening? How about TO-NIGHT?" If
+she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar
+out of your pocket and remark, "Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday?
+I really have no engagements between now and October. Saturday? Sunday?"
+This will show her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and
+she will probably say, "Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you
+had better telephone me first."
+
+
+THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING
+
+On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public
+telephone-booth in order to call the young lady's house. The etiquette
+of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred
+people often make themselves conspicuous because they do not know
+the correct procedure in using this modern but almost indispensable
+invention. Upon entering the telephone-booth, which is located, say, in
+some drug store, you remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the
+requisite coin in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes
+a young lady (referred to as "Central") will ask for your "Number,
+please." Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove
+your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece.
+"Central" will then say, "Rhinelander 4310." To which you reply, "NO,
+Central--BRYANT 4310." Central then says, "I beg your pardon--Bryant
+4310," to which you reply, "Yes, please." In a few minutes a voice at
+the other end of the line says, "Hello," to which you answer, "Is
+Miss Doe at home?" The voice then says, "Who?" You say, "Miss Doe,
+please--Miss Dorothy Doe." You then hear the following, "Wait a minute.
+Say, Charlie, is they anybody works around here by the name of Doe?
+There's a guy wants to talk to a Miss Doe. Here--you answer it." Another
+voice then says, "Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "What do you
+want?" You reply, "I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "What
+department does she work in?" You reply, "Is this the residence of J.
+Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?" He says, "Wait a
+minute." You wait a minute. You wait several. Another voice--a new voice
+says-"Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "Give me Stuyvesant 8864." You
+say, "But I'm trying to get Miss Doe--Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "Who?"
+You say, "Is this the residence of--" He says, "Naw--this is Goebel
+Brothers, Wholesale Grocers--what number do you want?" You say, "Bryant
+4310." He says, "Well, this is Rhinelander 4310." You then hang up the
+receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and inasmuch
+as you are the only person near the phone you take up the receiver and
+say, "Hello." A female voice, says, "Hello, dearie--don't you know who
+this is?" You say, politely but firmly, "No." She says, "Guess!" You
+guess "Mrs. Warren G. Harding." She says, "No. This is Ethel. Is Walter
+there?" You reply, "Walter?" She says, "Ask him to come to the phone,
+will you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell 'Walter' at
+the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him--no,
+wait--tell him it's Madge." Being a gentleman, you comply with the
+lady's request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you obligingly wait
+for some twenty minutes while he converses with Ethel--no, Madge. When
+he has finished, you once more enter the booth and tell "Central" you
+want Bryant 4310. After a few minutes "Central" says, "What number did
+you call?" You say patiently, "Bryant 4310." She replies, "Bryant 4310
+has been changed to Schuyler 6372." You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally
+a woman's voice says, "Yass." You say, "Is Miss Doe in?" She replies,
+"Yass." You say, "May I speak to her?" She says, "Who?" You reply, "You
+said Miss Doe was at home, didn't you?" She replies, "Yass." You say,
+"Well, may I speak to her?" The voice says, "Who?" You shout, "Miss
+Doe." The voice says, "She ban out." You shriek, "Oh, go to hell!" and
+assuming a graceful, easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear the
+telephone from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three
+hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for
+the evening's visit.
+
+
+MAKING THE FIRST CALL
+
+The custom of social "calls" between young men and young women is one
+of the prettiest of etiquette's older conventions, and one around which
+clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. In this day and
+generation, what with horseless carriages, electric telephones and
+telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a great many of the older forms have
+been allowed to die out, greatly, I believe, to our discredit. "Speed,
+not manners," seems to be the motto of this century. I hope that there
+still exist a few young men who care enough about "good form" to study
+carefully to perfect themselves in the art of "calling." Come, Tom, Dick
+and Harry--drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill your minds with
+something besides steam engines and pneumatic tires!
+
+The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an extremely
+important social function, and too great care can not be taken that you
+prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It would be well to leave your
+work an hour or two earlier in the afternoon, so that you can go
+home and practice such necessary things as entering or leaving a room
+correctly. Most young men are extremely careless in this particular, and
+unless you rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are
+apt to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit through
+a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the proper door.
+
+
+CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES
+
+Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. Select
+some topic in which you think your lady friend will be interested, such
+as, for example, the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and "read up" on
+the subject so that you can discuss it in an intelligent manner. Find
+out, for example, how many people had tonsils removed in February,
+March, April. Contrast this with the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900.
+Learn two or three amusing anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett's
+"Familiar Quotations" for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and
+throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance through
+four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot's Five Foot Shelf, for nothing so
+completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to refer familiarly
+to the various volumes of the Harvard classics.
+
+
+A PROPER CALL
+
+Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house where the
+young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German police dog will
+begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a maid will finally come
+to the door. Removing your hat and one glove, you say, "Is Miss Doe
+home?" The maid replies, "Yass, ay tank so." You give her your card and
+the dog rushes out and bites you on either the right or left leg. You
+are then ushered into a room in which is seated an old man with a long
+white beard. He is fast asleep. "Dot's grampaw," says the maid, to which
+you reply, "Oh." She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a
+while he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then
+says, "Did the dog bite you?" You answer, "Yes, sir." Grampaw then says,
+"He bites everybody," and goes back to sleep. Reassured, you light
+a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come to the door, and, after
+examining you carefully for several minutes, they burst into giggling
+laughter and run away. You feel to see if you have forgotten to put on
+a necktie. A severe looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and
+bow. "I am Miss Doe's grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,"
+she says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a hint
+for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, "I've only
+got Fatimas, but if you care to try one--" It should be your aim to
+seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member of the young lady's
+family. Try to engage the grandmother in conversation, taking care to
+select subjects in which you feel she would be interested. Conversation
+is largely the art of "playing up" to the other person's favorite
+subject. In this particular case, for example, it would be a mistake
+to say to Miss Doe's grandmother, "Have you ever tried making synthetic
+gin?" or "Do you think any one will EVER lick Dempsey?" A more
+experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of old
+people, would probably begin by remarking, "Well, I see that Jeremiah
+Smith died of cancer Thursday," or "That was a lovely burial they gave
+Mrs. Watts, wasn't it?" If you are tactful, you should soon win the old
+lady's favor completely, so that before long she will tell you all about
+her rheumatism and what grampaw can and can't eat.
+
+Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, "Have you been waiting
+long? Hilda didn't tell me you were here," to which you reply, "No--I
+just arrived." She then says, "Shall we go in the drawing-room?" The
+answer to this is, "For God's sake, yes!" In a few minutes you find
+yourself alone in the drawing-room with the lady of your choice and the
+courtship proper can then begin.
+
+The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation around to
+the subject of the "modern girl." After your preliminary remarks about
+tonsils and adenoids have been thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly
+say, "Well I don't think girls--nice girls--are really that way." She
+replies, of course, "WHAT way?" You answer, "Oh, the way they are in
+these modern novels. This 'petting,' for instance." She says, "WHAT
+petting'?" You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. "Oh,"
+you say, "these novelists make me sick--they seem to think that in our
+generation every time a young man and woman are left alone on a lounge
+together, they haven't a thing better to do than put out the light and
+'pet.' It's disgusting, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" she agrees and reaching
+over she accidentally pulls the lamp cord, which puts out the light.
+
+On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30.
+
+
+THE PROPOSAL PROPER
+
+About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is customary
+for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has been "out" for
+three or four years and has several younger sisters coming along, it
+is customary for her to accept him. They then become "engaged," and the
+courtship is concluded.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS
+
+THE HISTORIC ASPECT
+
+"Matrimony," sings Homer, the poet, "is a holy estate and not lightly to
+be entered into." The "old Roman" is right.
+
+A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of social
+customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now forced to
+devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, grooms, ushers
+and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. Weeks are generally
+required in preparation for an up-to-date wedding; months are necessary
+in recovering from such an affair. Indeed, some of the participants,
+notably the bride and groom, never quite get over the effects of a
+marriage.
+
+It was not "always thus." Time was when the wedding was a comparatively
+simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells
+of England points out in his able "Outline of History"), there is no
+evidence of any particular ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of
+"a male and a female." Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding
+seems to have been consummated by the rather simple process of having
+the bridegroom crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented
+stone ax. There were no ushers--no bridesmaids. But shortly after that
+(c- 10,329--30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, living
+in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that the prolonged
+distillation of common barley resulted in the creation of an
+amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally, produced a curious
+and not unpleasant effect.
+
+This discovery had--and still has--a remarkable effect upon the
+celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around the
+wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers' discovery of Scotch
+whiskey began, as a matter of course, the institution of the "bachelor
+dinner." "Necessity is the mother of invention," and exactly twelve
+years after the first "bachelor dinner" came the discovery of
+bicarbonate of soda. From that time down to the present day the history
+of the etiquette of weddings has been that of an increasing number of
+intricate forms and ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit
+of ritual. The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an
+"Outline of History" itself.
+
+
+ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT
+
+LET us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor
+characters at a wedding--the Groom. Suppose that you are an eligible
+young man named Richard Roe, who has just become "engaged" to a young
+lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend to "marry the girl," it is
+customary that some formal announcement of the engagement be made, for
+which you must have the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It
+is not generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will
+surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady whom you
+believe to be your fiancee to consent to a public announcement of the
+fact. The reason for this probably is that an engagement which has been
+"announced" often leads to matrimony, and matrimony, in polite society,
+often lasts for several years. After you have secured the girl's
+permission, it is next necessary that you notify her father of the
+engagement. In this particular case, as he happens to be your employer,
+the notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, it
+would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. Aim to put
+him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the subject gradually and
+tactfully. Abruptness is never "good form." The following is suggested
+as a possible model. "Good morning, Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story
+from a traveling salesman last night. It seems that there was a young
+married couple--(here insert a good story about a young married
+couple). Wasn't that RICH? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing--a great
+institution. Every young man ought to get married, don't you think? You
+do? Well, Mr. Doe, I've got a surprise for you, (here move toward the
+door). I'm going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the room)
+your daughter" (close the door quickly).
+
+
+THE BRIDE-TO-BE
+
+Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary for the
+bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young men to whom
+she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes should be kindly,
+sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be written to all, provided
+there is no chance of their comparing notes. The following is suggested:
+
+"Dear Bob--
+
+Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to
+Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine fellow
+and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. I feel that
+he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you to be the first to
+know about it. Your friendship will always remain one of the brightest
+things in my life, Bob, but, of course, I probably won't be able to go
+to the Aiken dance with you now. Please don't tell anybody about it yet.
+I shall never forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and
+will you please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you
+yours."
+
+
+{illustration caption = Nothing so completely betrays the "Cockney" as a
+faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just
+returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the dashing "lead,"
+who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of
+the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, "S--o--o! I
+see you've had a good day's hunting!" The use of this unsportsmanlike
+expression--in stead of the correct "Hope you had a good run," or "Where
+did you find?"--at once discloses the hostess's mean origin and the
+young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her
+house.}
+
+{illustration caption = In this work-a-day world, one is likely to
+forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an
+etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess
+refuse to invite this or that person to her home for a game of billiards
+on the ground that he or she is a "bum sport" or a "rotten loser." The
+above scene illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders
+that people make. The gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive
+shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is ripping the baize off the
+table with the sharp end. This display is not in the best taste.
+
+{illustration caption = Good form at the beach is still a question of
+debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque
+type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more
+fashionable. One thing is certain--it is absolutely incorrect for ladies
+who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear
+in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also considered
+rude to hold one's swimming partner under water for more then the formal
+quarter of an hour.}
+
+
+THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON
+
+THE engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the parents
+of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, only fifteen
+or twenty of the most intimate friends of the engaged "couple" being
+invited. It is one of the customs of engagement luncheons that all
+the guests shall be tremendously surprised at the news, and great care
+should be taken to aid them in carrying out this tradition. On the
+invitations, for example, should be written some misleading phrase, such
+as "To meet General Pershing" or "Not to Announce the Engagement of our
+Daughter."
+
+The announcement itself which should be made soon after the guests are
+seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display of originality
+and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and perhaps a laugh, for
+laughter of a certain quiet kind is often welcome at social functions.
+One of the most favored methods of announcing an engagement is by the
+use of symbolic figures embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus,
+for example, in the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to
+Dorothy Doe it would be "unique" to have the first course at luncheon
+consist of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a
+heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be mystified,
+but soon cries of "Oh, how sweet!" will arise and congratulations are
+then in order. Great care should be taken, however, that the symbolic
+figures are not misunderstood; it would be extremely embarrassing,
+for example, if in the above instance, a young man named "Shad" or
+"Aquarium" were to receive the congratulations instead of the proper
+person. Other suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the
+more common names are as follows:
+
+"Cohan-O'Brien"--ice cream cones on a plate of O'Brien potatoes.
+
+"Ames-Green--green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at something.
+
+"Thorne-Hoyt--figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from foot
+with expression on his face signifying "This hoits."
+
+"Bullitt-Bartlett--bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre
+bullets.
+
+"Tweed-Ellis"--frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a solitary
+figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit.
+
+"Gordon-Fuller"--two paper-mache figures--one representing a young man
+full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man fuller.
+
+"Hatch-Gillette"--figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched a
+safety razor.
+
+"Graves-Colgate"--figure of a man brushing his teeth in a cemetery.
+
+"Heinz-Fish"--57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one plate.
+
+
+SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY
+
+AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of
+the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten
+bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. In
+making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind that no
+wedding party is complete without the following:
+
+1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales.
+
+2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody.
+
+1 bridesmaid who doesn't "Pet."
+
+1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence's.
+
+1 bridesmaid who talks "Southern."
+
+1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once.
+
+1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley.
+
+1 usher who doesn't drink anything.
+
+9 ushers who drink anything.
+
+
+In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary for the
+bride's friends, to give for her a number of "showers." These are for
+the purpose of providing her with various necessities for her wedded
+household life. These affairs should be informal and only her dearest
+or wealthiest friends should be invited. A clever bride will generally
+arrange secretly for several of these "showers" by promising a certain
+percentage (usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all
+over that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more
+customary "showers" of common household articles for the new bride are
+toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of Service's poems,
+Cape Cod lighters, pictures of "Age of Innocence" and back numbers of
+the "Atlantic Monthly."
+
+
+INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS
+
+The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between two
+and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although the
+out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to allow the
+recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. As the gifts are
+received, a check mark should be placed after the name of the donor,
+together with a short description of the present and an estimate as
+to its probable cost. This list is to be used later, at the wedding
+reception, in determining the manner in which the bride is to greet the
+various guests. It has been found helpful by many brides to devise some
+sort of memory system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain
+responses, thus:
+
+"Mr. Snodgrass--copy of 'Highways and Byways in Old France'"--c.
+$6.50--"how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?"
+
+"Mr. Brackett--Solid silver candlesticks--$68.50"--"hello, Bob, you old
+peach. How about a kiss?"
+
+The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the
+ceremony, with the arrival of the "wedding party," in which party the
+most responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you
+are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties?
+
+In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a
+course of training extending for over a month or more prior to the
+actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into such a
+condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours
+to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and consume an unending
+amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the
+bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the wedding, and the wedding reception.
+
+
+DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN
+
+Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you
+will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the
+bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the bride's father.
+"This is my best man," says the groom. "The best man?" replies her
+father. "Well, may the best man win." At once you reply, "Ha! Ha!
+Ha!" He then says, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" to which the
+correct answer is, "Yes, sir, but I hope it isn't my last."
+
+The bride's mother then appears. "This is my best man," says the groom.
+"Well," says she, "remember--the best man doesn't always win." "Ha! Ha!
+Ha!" you at once reply. "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" says she,
+to which you answer, "Yes--but I hope it isn't my last."
+
+You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack.
+In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the
+brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, "Is this
+your first visit to Chicago?" "What are you doing?" is his answer.
+"Unpacking," you reply. "What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply.
+"What's that?" says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt."
+"What's that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he.
+"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?" "No,"
+says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of relief, "is
+a razor. Here--take it and play with it." In three minutes, if you have
+any luck at all, the bride's brother will have cut himself severely in
+several places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can
+then finish unpacking.
+
+
+THE BRIDE'S TEA
+
+The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea
+at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become
+"acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the
+ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave
+on this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, "For God's sake,
+remember to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed
+to drinking in any form." This is an awfully good joke on her father and
+mother.
+
+As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a
+chorus shouting, "Mademoiselle from Armentieres--parlez vous!" Those are
+your ushers.
+
+Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, "Fellows,
+we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's go." At this,
+ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, "Yeaaa--the best
+man--give the best man a drink!" From then on, at twelve minute
+intervals, it is your duty to say, "Fellows, we have got to go to a tea
+right away. Come on--let's go." Each time you will be handed another
+drink, which you may take with either your right or left hand.
+
+After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will
+say, "Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers," to which you reply,
+"We are just leaving." He then says, "And don't forget to tell them what
+I told you about her father and mother."
+
+You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say,
+"Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It's a message which
+is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows--her father and mother
+object to the use of alcohol in any form."
+
+This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all
+then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and
+leave the room singing, "Her father and mother object to drink--parlez
+vous."
+
+The tea given by the bride's parents is generally a small affair to
+which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and
+the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the
+bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow
+to the bride's father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your
+lateness. Nothing so betrays the social "oil can" as a failure to make
+a plausible excuse for tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you
+must always have ready some good reason for your fault, such as, "Excuse
+me, Mrs. Doe, I'm afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was
+dressing, this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put
+back in." If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would
+be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in question, although if
+they are "well-bred" they will probably in most cases take you at your
+word.
+
+
+THE MAID OF HONOR
+
+You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the
+maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride's
+older sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the
+wedding festivities, she will say, "The best man? Well, they say that
+the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!" This puts her in class G 6 without
+further examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life
+throughout the next two days lies in the frequent and periodic
+administration of stimulants.
+
+
+THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER
+
+That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is
+known as a "bachelor dinner." It is his farewell to his men friends
+as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out
+generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony
+participated in by most of those present.
+
+It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following
+day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how
+you got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or
+pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your
+pajamas. In one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few
+minutes there will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually
+the groom, also in evening dress with the exception that he has tried
+to put on the trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then
+say, "What happened?" to which he replies, "Oh, Judas." You wait several
+minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower bath and some
+one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling continues. The door then
+opens and there enters one of the ushers. He is the usher who always
+"feels great" the next day after the bachelor dinner. He says to you,
+"Well, boys, you look all in." You do not reply. He continues, "Gosh,
+I feel fine." You make no response. He then begins to chuckle, "I don't
+suppose you remember," he says, "what you said to the bride's mother
+when I brought you home last night." You sit quickly up in bed. "What
+did I say?" you ask. "Was I tight?" "Were you tight?" he replies, still
+chuckling. "Don't you remember what you said? And don't you remember
+trying to get the bride's father to slide down the banisters with you?
+Were you tight--Oh, my gosh!" He then exits, chuckling. Statistics of
+several important life insurance companies show that that type of man
+generally dies a violent death before the age of thirty.
+
+
+THE REHEARSAL
+
+The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on the
+afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of course, are
+an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an opportunity to meet
+the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long chat about religion, while
+the best man (Atheist) talks to the eighty-three year old sexton who
+buried the bride's grandpa and grandma and has knowed little Miss
+Dorothy come twenty years next Michaelmas. The best man's offer of
+twenty-five dollars, if the sexton will at once bury the maid of honor,
+is generally refused as a matter of courtesy.
+
+
+THE BRIDAL DINNER
+
+In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, to
+which all the relatives and close friends of the family are invited.
+Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia Dare wine, and
+much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. Speeches are usually made
+by the bride and groom, their parents, the best man, the maid of honor,
+the minister and Aunt Harriet.
+
+Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible!
+
+
+A CHURCH WEDDING
+
+On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church
+an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should
+be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the
+groom.
+
+It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding.
+As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale,
+wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is
+the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. "What time is
+it?" he says. You reply, "Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting
+dressed." "Oh, my God!" says the groom. Ten minutes pass. "What time is
+it?" says the groom. "Twenty of three," you reply. "Here's your shirt."
+"Oh, my God!" says the groom.
+
+He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. "Better have a
+little Scotch, old man," you say. "What time is it?" he replies. "Five
+of three," you say. "Oh, my God!" says the groom.
+
+At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at
+three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little
+side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few
+brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o'clock.
+Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in
+his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his
+dying words. "Have--you--got--the ring?" he whispers. "Yes," you reply.
+"Everything's fine. You look great, too, old man." The sound of the
+organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. "Have you got the ring?" he
+says.
+
+Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the
+invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will
+always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation
+to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their
+seats. "It's a nice day, isn't it?" is suggested as a perfectly safe
+and yet not too unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by
+remarking, "Isn't it a nice day?" or in some cases, where you do not
+wish to appear too forward, "Is it a nice day, or isn't it?" An usher
+should also remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither
+a floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as "Something in a
+dotted Swiss?" or "Third aisle over--second pew--next the ribbon goods,"
+are decidedly non au fait.
+
+The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved
+for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established
+custom that the ushers shall seat in these "family pews" at least three
+people with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight
+error always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery
+with the family cook.
+
+With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to
+start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn's or Wagner's. About
+this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third
+candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which
+causes a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist
+improvises one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening
+strains of the march.
+
+Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by
+the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three
+or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time
+or rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little
+humor to the performance.
+
+After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, there come
+the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father's
+arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride.
+
+In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and
+awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four
+hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly
+to one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation
+which is the signal for the bride's little niece to ask loudly, "What's
+that funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?"
+
+Then follows the religious ceremony.
+
+Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride's
+home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two
+invited guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the
+reception it is customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off
+in separate corners and die.
+
+The wedding "festivities" are generally concluded with the disappearance
+of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of
+the most valuable presents.
+
+
+{illustration caption = The man of culture and refinement, while
+always considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any
+circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though
+the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his
+steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make an
+exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain view of
+numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a "guy"
+of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the gallery
+raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly.}
+
+
+{illustration caption = The Romans had a proverb, "Litera scripta
+manet," which means "The written letter remains." The subtle wisdom of
+these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic
+Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving
+never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social
+correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful experience
+of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve
+perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried elder sons
+of our most aristocratic families to express their appreciation of
+the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the sensible, though
+plebeian, telephone.}
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL
+
+The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has
+undergone several important changes with the advent of "democracy" and
+the "mechanical age." Time was when travel was indulged in only by the
+better classes of society and the rules of travellers' etiquette were
+well defined and acknowledged by all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed
+brought the "mountain to Mahomet"; the "iron horse" and the "Pullman
+coach" have, I believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new
+customs and manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel
+correctly. Truly, the "old order changeth" and it is, perhaps, only
+proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of the word),
+"abreast" of the times.
+
+
+HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN
+
+Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of
+established social position in one of the many cities of our great
+middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home to New York
+City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions of that metropolis
+of which I need perhaps only mention the Aquarium or Grant's Tomb or the
+Eden Musee. Now there are many ways of getting to New York, such as (a)
+on foot, (b) via "rail"; it should be your first duty to select one
+of these methods of transportation. Walking to New York ("a" above)
+is often rejected because of the time and effort involved and it is
+undoubtedly true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle
+west one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one's journey.
+The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for long
+distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many rules for
+correct behavior among pedestrians.
+
+In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young lady,
+either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the sidewalk. A young
+"miss" who persists in walking in the gutters is more apt to lose than
+to make friends among the socially "worth while."
+
+Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking after
+dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks.
+
+It is not au fait for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress to
+"catch on behind" passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time and energy
+saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be driven thus past
+other members of one's particular social "set."
+
+Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to gentlemen
+unless they have been previously introduced or are out of work with
+winter coming on.
+
+A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young woman whom
+he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, bows and passes on,
+unless she looks awfully good.
+
+Debutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; in the
+Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of aristocratic court
+life, this custom is reversed.
+
+A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping
+accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, removes
+his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible.
+
+It is never correct for young people of either "sex" to push older
+ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or street cars.
+
+A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange lady,
+should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an introduction can be
+arranged; the person driving the car usually speaks first.
+
+An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab driven
+by someone in her own "set," usually says "Why the hell don't you look
+where you're going?" to which the taxi driver, removing his hat, replies
+"Why the hell don't YOU?"
+
+A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets of a
+city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), socks (2),
+undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, coat and hat. For
+pedestrians of the "opposite" sex the costume is practically the same
+with the exception of the socks, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar,
+vest and coat. However, many women now affect "knickerbockers" and vice
+versa.
+
+A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not talk
+or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. "Capers" (e. g. climbing trees,
+etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly fashionable in certain
+"speedy" circles, are of questionable taste for ladies, especially
+if indulged in to excess or while walking with young gentlemen on the
+Sabbath. Sport is sport, and no one loves a stiff game of "fives" or
+"rounders" more than I, but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and
+her escort hanging by their limbs on the Lord's Day from the second
+or third cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying
+things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of "golf" and lawn
+"tennis."
+
+A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball or the
+opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are both in evening
+dress and have a long distance to go. It is never incorrect to suggest
+the use of a street car, or as one gets near the Opera House, a carriage
+or a "taxicab."
+
+A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, always
+gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his wife or his
+sister.
+
+So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give here all
+the rules for those who "go afoot" and I can only say that the safest
+principle for correct behavior in this, as in many social matters, is
+the now famous reply Thomas Edison once made to the stranger who asked
+him with what he mixed his paints in order to get such marvellous
+effects. "One part inspiration," replied the great inventor, "and NINE
+parts perspiration." In other words, etiquette is not so much a matter
+of "genius" as of steady application to small details.
+
+
+TRAVELLING BY RAIL
+
+In America much of the travelling is done by "rail." The etiquette of
+railroad behavior is extremely complicated, especially if one is forced
+to spend the night en route (on the way) and many and ludicrous are the
+mistakes made by those whose social training has apparently fitted them
+more for a freight car than for an up-to-date "parlor" or "Pullman"
+coach.
+
+
+GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR
+
+Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms of rail
+transportation, such as, for example, the electric street or "tram" car
+now to be seen on the main highways and byways of all our larger cities.
+The rules governing behavior on these vehicles often appear at first
+quite complicated, but when one has learned the "ropes," as they say in
+the Navy, one should have no difficulty.
+
+An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to take
+a street car, should always stand directly under a large sign marked
+"Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner." As the car approaches she
+should run quickly out to the car tracks and signal violently to the
+motorman with the umbrella. As the car whizzes past without stopping she
+should cease signalling, remark "Well I'll be God damned!" and return
+to the curbstone. After this performance has been repeated with three
+successive cars she should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a
+dignified manner, across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten
+the motorman of the next "tram" will see her lying there and will be
+gentleman enough to stop his car.
+
+When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the street
+and stand outside the door marked "Exit Only" until the motorman opens
+it for her. She should then enter with the remark, "I signalled to three
+cars and not one of them stopped," to which the motorman will reply,
+"But, lady, that sign there says they don't stop on this corner." The
+lady should then say "What's your number--I'm going to report you."
+
+After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite end
+of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant seats;
+instead of taking one of these she should stand up in front of some
+young man and glare at him until he gets up and gives her his place.
+
+It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank gentlemen who
+provide them with seats.
+
+After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and ask
+"Does this car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." She should
+then turn to the man on her left and ask "Does this car go to Madison
+Heights?" He will answer "No." Her next question--"Does this car go to
+Madison Heights?"--should be addressed to a man across the aisle, and
+the answer will be "No." She should then listen attentively while
+the conductor calls out the names of the streets and as he shouts
+"Blawmnoo!" she should ask the man at her right "Did he say Madison
+Heights?" He will reply "No." At the next street the conductor will
+shout "Blawmnoo!" at which she should ask "Did he say Madison Heights?"
+Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will proceed, the
+conductor will now call "Blawmnoo!" and as the elderly lady once more
+says "Did he say Madison Heights?" the man at her left, the man at her
+right, the man across the aisle and eight other male passengers will
+shout "YES!"
+
+It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully waiting
+until the conductor has pulled the "go ahead" signal, she should cry
+"Wait a minute, conductor--I want to get off here." The car will then
+be stopped and she should say "Is this Madison Heights?" to which the
+conductor will reply "This ain't the Madison Heights car, lady." She
+should then say "But you called out Madison Heights," to which he will
+answer "No, lady--that's eight miles in the opposite direction." She
+should then leave the street car, not forgetting, however, to take the
+conductor's number again.
+
+The above hints for "tram" car etiquette apply, of course, only to
+elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be in many
+cases quite different. A young married woman, for example, on entering a
+street car, should always have her ticket or small "change" so securely
+buried in the fourth inside pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot
+possibly find it inside of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged
+ladies, riding together, should never decide as to who is to pay the
+fare until the conductor has gone stark raving mad.
+
+
+{illustration caption = Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a
+provincial and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and
+half audible chuckles follow her about the room. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would
+have taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned
+dud--even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very
+expensive--to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other
+method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who
+leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights
+when, at the end of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to
+loosen her grip, he will carry her into the garden under false pretences
+and there play the hose on her until she drowns.
+
+
+{illustration caption = They are leaving the home of an intimate friend
+of several weeks' standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical.
+Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess's kindness
+but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The
+Book of PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have pointed out to them that the only
+adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite
+the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend
+an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale.
+
+
+
+IN THE SUBWAY
+
+The rules governing correct behavior in the underground "subway" systems
+of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) are, however,
+much more simple and elemental than the etiquette for surface cars. In
+the subway, for example, if you are a married man and living with your
+wife, or head of a family, i. e., a person who actually supports one or
+more persons living in (or under) his (or her) household on the last
+day of the preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons
+shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday then
+on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) have filed
+a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you should precede a
+lady when entering, and follow a lady when leaving, the train.
+
+
+A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY
+
+On the other hand, a wedding or a "honeymoon" trip in a subway brings
+up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely different from the
+above. Let us suppose, for example, that the wedding takes place at high
+noon in exclusive old "Trinity" church, New York. The nearest subway
+is of course the "Interborough" (West Side) and immediately after the
+ceremony the lucky couple can run poste haste to the "Battery" and board
+a Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should change
+at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz them past 18th
+St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania Station where they can
+again transfer, this time to a Broadway Local. In a jiffy and two winks
+of an eye they will be at Times Square, the heart of the "Great White
+Way" (that Mecca of pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they
+can either change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway
+to historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the
+busy little "shuttle" which will hurry them over to the Grand Central
+Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side Subway, either
+"up" or "down" town. The trip "up town" (Lexington Ave. Express) passes
+under some of the better class residential districts, but the journey
+in the other direction is perhaps more interesting, including as it does
+such stops as 14th St., Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the
+financial center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the
+East River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without
+getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from
+one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they have
+exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the Interborough they can
+change, with the additional cost of only a few cents apiece, to the B.
+R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will gladly carry them to a thousand new
+and interesting places--a veritable Aladdin's lamp on rails.
+
+
+TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM
+
+And now we come to that most complex form of travel--the railroad
+journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New York
+you have elected to go on the "train." On the day of your departure you
+should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking care to strap and
+lock it securely. You can then immediately unstrap and unlock it in
+order to put in the tooth paste and shaving brush which you forgot to
+bring from the bathroom.
+
+Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the train
+to depart you will find that because of "daylight saving time" you
+have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be amusingly and
+economically spent in the station as follows: 11 weighing machines
+@.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 weighing machine (out
+of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate and gum) @.01 =.17. Total
+cost--.50, unless, of course, you eat the chocolate.
+
+Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that
+you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and
+entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and
+two small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of
+oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a
+toy balloon, half a "cookie" and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will
+then say to you "Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to
+which you answer "Yes." She will then say "Well say--we've got the
+upper--and I wonder if you would mind--" "Not at, all," you reply, "I
+should be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done.
+
+After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady's
+little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he has repeated
+this eleven times his mother will say to you "I wonder if you would mind
+holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?"
+
+The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to
+master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct
+under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for beginners and one which is
+difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left
+and right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time
+clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left
+and praying to God that the damn thing won't drop.
+
+In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the
+aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin
+to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have
+had children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all
+that is necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason.
+First of all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should
+at once ask the porter to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then
+carefully go over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to
+spell out and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would
+you like some nice assorted hors d'oeuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says
+the baby. "No hors d'oeuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue points,
+perhaps--you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out a blue point
+or two, as in charades, so that the child will understand what you mean.
+In case, however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten
+the first three or four courses, you should not insist on a salad and a
+dessert, for probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry.
+Perhaps it is a pin, in which case you should at once bend every
+effort to the discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally
+accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large
+electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the pin
+(if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, too, many
+small children cry merely because they have swallowed something which
+does not agree with them, such as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe
+horn; the remedy in this case consists in IMMEDIATELY feeding the child
+the proper counter irritant. There is, really, no great mystery
+about the successful raising of children and with a few common sense
+principles, such as presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a
+great deal of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression
+here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are tomorrow's
+citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the proper way.
+
+But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer
+will have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as
+to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few minutes later, however,
+little Elmer will say "Mama, I want the window open." This request will
+be duly referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty
+to assume a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed
+on both feet, and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a
+terrific struggle to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and
+forty seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the
+train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal
+smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should seize little
+Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and make your escape to
+the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the rear of your car.
+
+In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will be
+saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a
+thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say "Well down
+where I come from there's men who never took a drink before prohibition
+who get drunk all the time now." The third will say "Well, I tell you,
+men--the saloon had to go."
+
+Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of the
+equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you should leave
+your companions in the "smoker" and walk through the train until you
+reach the "diner." Here you will seat yourself at a table with three
+other gentlemen, the first of whom will be remarking, as you sit
+down, "and I know for a fact that this bootlegger is making over fifty
+thousand dollars a year."
+
+
+A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN
+
+Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well travel over
+night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible for the traveller
+to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug and comfortable as the
+proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after dinner the porter will "make
+up" the berths in the car and when you desire to retire for the night you
+should ask him to bring you the ladder in order that you may ascend to
+upper 9. While you are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove
+your coat, vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase
+which you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach under
+berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position the train
+will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth number 12. A
+woman's voice will then say "Alice?" to which you should of course
+answer "No" and climb quickly up the ladder into your proper berth.
+
+A great deal of "to do" is often made of the difficulty involved in
+undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite uncalled for.
+Experienced travellers now generally wait until the lights of the car
+have been dimmed or extinguished when the disrobing can be done quite
+simply in five counts, as follows: One--unloosen all clothing and lie
+flat on the back. The respiration should be natural, easy and through
+the lungs. The muscles should be relaxed; Two--pivoting on the back of
+the head and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the
+muscles of the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring;
+Three--spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), catching the
+bell cord (which extends along the roof of the train) with the teeth,
+hands and feet; Four--holding firmly to the cord with the knees,
+describe a sudden arc downward with the head and body, returning to
+position as soon as the shirt and undershirt have dropped off into
+the aisle; Five--taking a firm hold on the cord with the teeth, let go
+sharply with the knees. The trousers, etc., should at once slide off,
+and you can (and, in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into
+your berth and pajamas.
+
+Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and
+when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the--------engineer
+will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel
+sleeping cars.
+
+In the morning you will be in New York.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA
+
+In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much
+more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to music
+intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two
+fundamental facts.
+
+The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in
+Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a
+daughter at Vassar.
+
+Not very difficult, surely--but it is remarkable how much enjoyment one
+can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a
+little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort
+even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the
+celeste is only used in connection with Aida, or that a minor triad is
+perhaps a young wood nymph.
+
+One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be
+expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of
+this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction
+which comes with finding one's opinions shared by the music critics in
+the daily press.
+
+
+{illustration caption = The young lady in the picture has just laid out
+a perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the
+gentleman playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards
+down the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s.,
+has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake,
+if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his
+niblick, if we assume that she called "Fore!" when the ball had attained
+to within three feet of the gentleman?}
+
+{illustration caption = You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the
+scene depicted above, "Cherchez la femme." It is, however, nothing
+so serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an
+inexperienced "gun" at a shooting-party, who has begun following his
+bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy
+violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a
+doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his
+coat-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus.}
+
+
+LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
+
+The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to express
+the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven's Fifth. If your
+companion then says "Fifth what?" you are safe with him for the rest
+of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, he says "So do
+I"--this is a danger signal and he may require careful handling.
+
+The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite good
+looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is "Oh dear--not a
+very interesting program, to-night. But George--LOOK at what they are
+playing next Thursday! My, I wish--." If George shies at this, it can be
+tried again later--say during an "appassionato" passage for the violins
+and cellos.
+
+As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be directed
+toward discovering someone who is making a noise--whispering or
+coughing; having once located such a creature, you should immediately
+"sh-sh" him. Should he continue the offence, a severe frown must
+accompany the next "sh-sh," a lorgnette--if available--adding great
+effectiveness to the rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your
+neighbors and serve to establish your position socially, as well as
+musically--for perfect "sh-shers" do not come from the lower classes.
+
+At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is "hmmm,"
+accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one
+of a number of remarks, as for example, "Well, I suppose Mendelssohn
+appeals to a great many people," or "That was meaningless enough to have
+been written by a Russian." This latter is to be preferred, for it leads
+your companion to say, "But don't you like TschaiKOWsky?", pronouncing
+the second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can
+then reply, "Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky DID write some rather good
+music--although it's all neurotic and obviously Teutonic." Don't fail to
+stress the "v."
+
+The next number on the program will probably be the soloist--say, a
+coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don't really
+care for the human voice--the reason being, of course, that symphonic
+Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics.
+This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you
+prefer.
+
+Ans.--Why, a piano concerto, of course.
+
+Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist?
+
+Ans.--Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe
+--SHOOT! "Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?"
+
+Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow
+at the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My
+own particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low
+sigh: "After all--Beethoven IS Beethoven."
+
+
+CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL
+
+The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with
+the possible addition of certain phrases such as "Yes--of course, she
+has technique--but, my dear, so has an electric piano." This remark
+gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr.
+Duo-Art and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word
+"soul"--pronounced with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to
+a stupid waiter--may be introduced effectively several times.
+
+The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that
+at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a
+splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music
+is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of
+smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this faux pas is committed,
+unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the REAL
+conclusion. This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the
+beginner; the chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure
+way to avoid anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and
+refrain altogether from any expression of approval--a procedure which
+is heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the
+practise among the majority of the critics.
+
+
+IN A BOX AT THE OPERA
+
+The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the
+same way that the army drill command of "At Ease!" differs from "Rest!"
+When one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a
+battalion in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera,
+of course, corresponds to that command.
+
+Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for the
+opera goer to pay some attention to the performance--at least while
+certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to the enjoyment
+of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one can devote one's
+entire attention to other more important things, safe in one's knowledge
+that one has Galli-Curci at home on the Vic.
+
+In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of study
+and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at this time to
+cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would recommend to the earnest
+student such supplemental information as can be obtained from Lady
+Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Tecla and Pinaud.
+
+Upon entering one's box the true opera lover at once assumes a musical
+attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, before a mirror
+until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders and back can be seen
+from any part of the house. Then, with the aid of a pair of strong opera
+glasses, she may proceed to scrutinize carefully the occupants of the
+boxes--noting carefully any irregular features. Technical phraseology,
+useful in this connection, includes "unearthly creature," "stray
+leopard" or, simply, "that person."
+
+Your two magical formulas--the Russian "w" and the sad story about
+Rachmaninoff's daughter--may, of course, be held in reserve--but the
+chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during an evening
+at the opera there will probably be no mention of music.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS
+
+SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION
+
+In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the
+success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of
+the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it
+is now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex-saloons anything
+in the least resembling whiskey or gin,--there still remains the
+distressing suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner
+parties and dances of our more socially prominent people, liquor--or its
+equivalent--is openly being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on
+several occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts
+have met, for the most part, with scant success.
+
+The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is
+too little versed in the customs and manners of polite society. It is
+lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully planned society dry
+raid been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was
+wearing white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his
+dessert spoon on the hors d'oeuvres.
+
+The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual
+procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs (though,
+unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our younger college
+generation are already casting envious eyes toward the rich rewards,
+the social opportunities and the exciting life of the professional
+bootlegger.
+
+It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters in the
+no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition Enforcement Officer.
+At present the chief difficulty seems to lie in the fact that, in our
+preparatory schools and colleges, a young man acquires a certain code
+of honor which causes him to look with distaste on what he calls
+pussyfooting and sneaking.
+
+People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a
+universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, I hope,
+only a matter of years before this distrust of the "sneak" will have
+died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be regarded with the
+reverence and respect due to one who devotes his life to the altruistic
+investigation of his neighbor's affairs.
+
+
+THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT
+
+Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry Agents
+by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary rewards. This
+difficulty is only an imaginary one--for, luckily, as soon as a man's
+code of honor has been elevated to the extent that it permits him to
+take up a career of pussy-footing there is generally eliminated at the
+same time any objection he might have to what is often called bribery.
+Thus, by a fortunate combination of circumstances, a Dry Agent is
+enabled to serve mankind and, at the same time, greatly increase his own
+personal fortune.
+
+But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard
+pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the material at
+our disposal. We must in some way educate our present Dry Agents so
+that they can go to any function in polite society and remain as
+inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the host. As a first step
+in such a social training I offer the following suggestions, in the hope
+that before long no function will be complete without the presence
+of four or five correctly dressed National Prohibition Enforcement
+Officers, ready and eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the
+guests on the slightest provocation.
+
+
+PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL
+
+Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that your name
+is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief are sitting around
+the Dry Agent's Club and he says to you, "Izzy--I see by the paper
+that there's a swell society masquerade ball to be given by the younger
+married set tomorrow night at the Glen Cove Country Club. Take your
+squad to cover it." At this point you doubtless say, "Chief, I'm afraid
+I can't use my squad. My men have been disguised as trained seals all
+this week, and tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses'
+dressing rooms at the Hippodrome" and then the Chief says, "Well, Izzy,
+you'll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by yourself."
+
+
+A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES
+
+Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you have a
+high voice (although really there is no reason for supposing that all
+Dry Agents have high voices), you might well attend the masquerade
+disguised as a lady. One of the neatest and, on the whole, most
+satisfactory of ladies' disguises is that of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as
+you know, was once Queen of Egypt and the costume is quite simple and
+attractive. It may be, however, that you would prefer to appear as a
+modern rather than an ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge
+from the illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit
+and carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the
+masquerade as an allegorical figure--say "2000 Years of Progress"--you
+might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the umbrella. Or you might
+go attired as some other less prominent member of the nobility--for
+instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose delightful costume is more or less
+featured in the advertising on our better class subways and street cars,
+and can be obtained at a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry
+goods store.
+
+Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a male
+costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly conceal
+your real identity. You might, for example, attend the ball as Jurgen--a
+costume which would assure you a pleasurable evening and many pleasing
+acquaintances. You might, with equal satisfaction, go as an Indian.
+
+It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the party
+dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly lost in the
+uproar of laughter which would greet your announcement of your disguise;
+many men would probably so far enter into the spirit of the joke as to
+offer you drinks from their flasks, and much valuable evidence could
+be obtained in this way. And the costume is quite easy--simply wear a
+pleated soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the
+ends of your black tie under your collar.
+
+
+{illustration caption = Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks
+of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all
+make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be
+presented to the Bride or to the Groom PERFECT BEHAVIOR has, we feel,
+settled the question of future happiness in many a new-made home.}
+
+{illustration caption = You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending
+the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte '69.
+Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in
+getting at its contents? The correct methods of choosing and using table
+hardware are explained in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.}
+
+{illustration caption = The young couple in the picture are trying
+to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a
+house-party. Had they consulted their PERFECT BEHAVIOR they would have
+known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation
+whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to write
+the attached model letter.}
+
+{illustration caption = Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands
+waiting for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and
+the best of health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst
+possible taste. PERFECT BEHAVIOR tells all about the correct appearance
+and conduct of Bridegrooms.}
+
+{illustration caption = The Best Man has just been introduced to the
+Maid of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make
+the acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room.
+This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he
+could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman.
+PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have told him how the man of birth and breeding
+learns to face anything with perfect "Sang froid."}
+
+{illustration caption = The Groom has just presented his Best Man to
+his sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at
+home, has failed to make at once the pun "de rigueur" on the words "best
+man." An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should one of
+the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, which?
+PERFECT BEHAVIOR covers the whole subject of making the "best man" pun
+authoritatively.}
+
+{illustration caption = The young man at the right does not know how to
+drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man
+at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of
+doing what he should do under the circumstances, he is making himself
+conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing "Mademoiselle
+from Alabam'." Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of
+PERFECT BEHAVIOR he would have known better than to have selected him.}
+
+
+GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID
+
+After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a breath.
+The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your identity; the
+latter is essential at any party where you wish to remain inconspicuous.
+A good whisky breath can usually be obtained from a bottle of any of the
+better known brands of Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity
+of the liquor in the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of
+course, necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would
+suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at
+present being manufactured for domestic consumption several brands
+which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, say, three
+seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve several of your more
+important teeth.
+
+On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry Agent
+costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good breath--you
+jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country Club. And, as
+you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, probably, as Martha
+Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is not because she thinks
+you are George Washington; it is because she drank that eighth Bronx
+cocktail at dinner.
+
+And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed their
+ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them are wofully
+ignorant of the correct way to handle such a situation. Your average Dry
+Agent, not being accustomed to the ways of Younger Marrieds, is often
+confused upon being unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays
+his unfortunate lack of social training.
+
+The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental
+rule of all social etiquette--common sense. Return the lady's kiss in an
+easy, natural manner and pass on. If she follows you, lead her at once
+to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head
+with a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that
+this is the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it
+is really only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from
+embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the evening.
+
+After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room where
+you will find the dance in full swing--full being of course used in its
+common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the stag line and don't,
+under any circumstances, allow anyone to induce you to cut in on any of
+the dancers. In the first place, you won't be able to dance because Dry
+Agents, like Englishmen, never can; secondly, if you TRY to dance, you
+are taking the enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man
+who introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the
+evening, leaving you with Somebody's Albatross hanging around your
+neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps farthest
+South--especially if she happens to be a little tight and wants to talk
+about her husband and children.
+
+Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete non-partisanship. If
+you do not dance, do not let yourself be drawn into conversation, and do
+not, above all things, show any consideration for the host or hostess.
+By closely observing the actions of the men and women about you, by
+wandering down into the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles
+parked outside the club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient
+evidence of the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when
+you have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your attention
+to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where the same thing is
+going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress suit, you might take him with
+you, and show him just how beautifully Prohibition is working and how
+enthusiastic the better classes of American society are about it.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS
+
+Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East to
+the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. For the
+benefit of those who are making this trip for the first time, we outline
+a few of the more important points in connection with the preliminaries
+to the trip East, together with minute instructions as to the journey
+itself.
+
+
+SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL
+
+This is, of course, mainly a parent's problem and is best solved by
+resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two young
+girls' finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones (X), from the
+West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from the same city, sends
+her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local social register, it is
+found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member of the Union, Colonial, Town
+and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; upon consulting the telephone
+directory it is found that the Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and
+that Mr. Borax is an undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her
+daughter Annette to A or to B, and why?
+
+Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not
+its goal.
+
+
+CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL
+
+Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is a
+suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United States
+are often surprised to discover that the clothes which they have
+purchased at the best store in their home town are totally unsuited
+for the rough climate of the East. I would, therefore, recommend the
+following list, subject, of course, to variation in individual cases.
+
+     1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing.
+     1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting.
+     1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or
+     1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white.
+     15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink.
+     4 bottles perfume, domestic, or
+     1 bottle, perfume, French.
+     12 Dozen Dorine, men's pocket size.
+     6 Soles, cami, assorted.
+     1 Brassiere, or riding habit.
+     100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties.
+     1 wave, permanent, for conversation.
+     24 waves, temporary.
+     10,000 nets, hair.
+     100,000 pins, hair.
+     1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout.
+
+
+EN ROUTE
+
+After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to say
+goodbye to one's local friends. Partings are always somewhat sad, but
+it will be found that much simple pleasure may be derived from the last
+nights with the various boys to whom one is engaged.
+
+In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any rash
+statements regarding undying friendship and affection, because, when you
+next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, you will have been three
+months in the East, while they have been at the State University, and
+really, after one starts dancing with Yale men--well, it's a funny
+world.
+
+In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the surest
+way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to buy a copy of
+the Atlantic Monthly and carry it, in plain view. Next to a hare lip,
+this is the safest protection for a travelling young girl that I know
+of; it has, however, the one objection that all the old ladies on the
+train are likely to tell you what they think of Katherine Fullerton
+Gerould, or their rheumatism.
+
+If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will probably
+sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the waiter "George."
+Along about the second course he will say to you, "It's warm for
+September, isn't it?" to which you should answer "No." That will dispose
+of the Elk.
+
+Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, going
+to visit their boy Elmer's wife's folks in Schenectady. When the fish is
+served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. Let him choke, but do
+not be too hopeful, as the chances are that he will dislodge the bone.
+All will go well until the dessert, when his wife will begin telling how
+raspberry sherbet always disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry
+sherbet.
+
+After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter will
+probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will also be
+found that the light in your berth does not work, so you will be awake
+for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving Buffalo, you will at
+last get to sleep, and when you open your eyes again, you will be--in
+Buffalo.
+
+There will be two more awakenings that night--once at Batavia, where a
+merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow the lucky bride
+and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, where the Pullman car
+shock-absorbing tests are held. The next morning, tired but unhappy, you
+will reach New York.
+
+
+A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK
+
+The Aquarium. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to 42nd
+Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block south to
+the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found underneath the
+hanging clock, near the telephone booths.
+
+Grant's Tomb. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at
+Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the end of
+the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same way you came,
+followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light supper and early to bed.
+If you do not feel better in the morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and
+uncooked foods for a while.
+
+Metropolitan Museum of Art. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) Then
+ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell you.
+
+The Bronx. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of
+vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold.
+
+The Ritz. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty dollars
+the filet of sole Marguery is very good.
+
+Brooklyn Bridge. Terrible. And their auction is worse.
+
+When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time to take
+the train to your school.
+
+
+THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL
+
+The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, and we
+can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do anything rash
+under the influence of homesickness. It is in this initial period that
+many girls, feeling utterly alone and friendless, write those letters to
+boys back home which are later so difficult to pass off with a laugh.
+It is during this first attack of homesickness also that many girls,
+in their loneliness, recklessly accept the friendship of other strange
+girls, only to find out later that their new acquaintance's mother was a
+Miss Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south side
+of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first.
+
+
+BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED
+
+In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your room
+you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that this will be
+your room mate for the year. You will find that you have drawn a blank,
+that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her paw made his money in oil,
+and that she is religious. You will be nice to her for the first week,
+because you aren't taking any chances at the start; you will tolerate
+her for the rest of the year, because she will do your lessons for you
+every night.
+
+Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are back for
+their second year. One of them will remind you of the angel painted on
+the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, until she starts telling
+about her summer at Narragansett; from the other you will learn how to
+inhale.
+
+
+A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON
+
+About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, that
+freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like to come
+up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you can have your
+cousin visit you. She sniffs at the "cousin" and tell's you that she
+must have a letter from Charley's father, one from Charley's minister,
+one from the governor of your state, and one from some disinterested
+party certifying that Charley has never been in the penitentiary, has
+never committed arson, and is a legitimate child. After you have secured
+these letters, Miss French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to
+see you next Saturday from four till five.
+
+Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. While he
+is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk slowly, one by
+one, past the open door and look in at him. This will cause Charley to
+perspire freely and to wish to God he had worn his dark suit.
+
+It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New Haven
+during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this city, founded in
+1638, is rich in historical interest. It was here, for example, in 1893,
+that Yale defeated Harvard at football, and the historic Pigskin which
+was used that day is still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics
+are to be seen in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past
+which bring to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things
+gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing
+which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of the
+mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as the sight of
+a member of the class of 1875 after three days' intensive drinking. Eheu
+fugaces!
+
+
+{illustration caption = "Who shall write first?" is a question that
+has perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct
+thing under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief
+note or a "P. P. C." ("pour prendre conge," i.e., "to take leave") card
+to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her husband and
+if she has left town with his business partner. Neither the note nor the
+card requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband takes pleasure in
+penning his congratulations to the lady, concluding with an expression
+of gratitude to his friend.}
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS
+
+GOLF AS A PASTIME
+
+"Golf" (from an old Scottish word meaning "golf") is becoming
+increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city now
+has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish
+pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the popular
+enthusiasm has reached such heights that free "public" courses have been
+provided for the citizens with, I may say, somewhat laughable results,
+as witness the fact that I myself have often seen persons playing on
+these "public" courses in ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes,
+and SUSPENDERS.
+
+The influence of this "democratization" on the etiquette of what was
+once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and
+I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their
+graves were they to "play around" today on one of the "public" courses.
+In no pastime are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined,
+and it is essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who
+contemplates an afternoon on the "links" devote considerable time and
+attention to the various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and
+honorable game.
+
+A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should
+always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely
+difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can
+be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having
+swung and missed the ball completely one or two times, has managed to
+drive a distance of some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the
+young man should take care to miss the ball completely THREE times, and
+then drive forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally
+done by closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just
+before hitting the ball.
+
+On the "greens" it is customary for a young man to "concede" his
+employer every "putt" which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the
+employer insists on "putting" [Ed. note:--He won't] and misses, the
+young man should take care to miss his own "putt." After both have
+"holed out," the young man should ask, "how many strokes, sir?" The
+employer will reply, "Let me see--I think I took seven for this hole,
+didn't I?" A well-bred young man will not under any circumstances remind
+his employer that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive,
+three strokes for his second shot, four strokes in the "rough," seven
+strokes in the "bunker," and three "putts" on the "green," but will
+at once reply, "No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether." The
+employer will then say, "Well, well, call it six. I generally get
+five on this hole. What did you take?" The young man should then laugh
+cheerily and reply, "Oh, I took my customary seven." To which the
+employer will sympathetically say, "Too bad!"
+
+After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to
+offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps
+the most trying part of the afternoon's sport, but a young man of
+correct breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an
+older man, and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer
+for God's sake shut up before he gets a brassie in his-------- ear.
+
+A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to
+make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when
+possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, "If at first you don't
+succeed, try, try again," and she should aid him with her advice when
+she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore
+tree on number eleven, she should say, "Don't you think, dear, that if
+you aimed a little bit more to the right...." et cetera. When they come
+to number fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake,
+she should remark, "Perhaps you didn't hit it hard enough, dear." And
+when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story
+window of the club-house, she should say, "Dear, I wonder if you didn't
+hit that too hard?" Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a
+pretty ornament on which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes,
+and if he is the right sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain
+from striking her with a niblick after this last remark.
+
+A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be
+of great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night,
+while he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a
+four on number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under
+fours. Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and
+pity due one's fellow creatures who are "unfortunate." The sins of the
+fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always remember
+that it is not, after all, the poor caddy's fault that he was born
+blind.
+
+
+AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE
+
+"Craps" is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men's
+coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, balls,
+recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that "craps" is
+a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically
+taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which
+started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a crap game, with
+all the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to
+the host's efforts to make expenses for the evening.
+
+It is in connection with these "mixed" games, however, that most of the
+more serious questions of "craps" etiquette arise. If, for example, you
+are a young man desirous of "shooting craps" with your grandmother, the
+correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a
+public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say "Shoot
+a nickel, Grandmother?" If she wishes to play she will reply "Shoot,
+boy!" and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and
+assist her, if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be
+an added mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon
+which to rest her knees.
+
+You should then take out the dice and "shoot." Your grandmother will
+look at your "throw" and say, "Oh, boy! He fives--he fives--a three and
+a two--never make a five--come on, you baby seven!" You should then
+take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while your
+grandmother chants, "A four and a three--a four and a two--dicety
+dice, and an old black joe--come on, you SEVEN!" You should then again
+"shoot." This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother
+will then exclaim, "He sevens--the boy sevens--come on to grandmother,
+dice--talk to the nice old lady--Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa
+needs a new pair of shoes--shoot a dime!"
+
+She will then "throw," and so the game will go on until the old lady
+evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are
+"cleaned out." In this latter case, however, it would be a customary
+act of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your
+grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several
+more chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be
+recommended that young men never make a mistake in going a little out of
+their way on occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the
+aged.
+
+
+CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC
+
+There often comes a time in the life of the members of "society" when
+they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, balls and
+dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend a "picnic."
+
+A day spent in the "open," with the blue sky over one's head, is indeed
+a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake
+of thinking that because he (or she) is "roughing it" for a day, he (or
+she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) "manners," for such is not
+the case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who
+disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the
+"shoe" in this case is decidedly "on the other foot."
+
+A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany
+her on a "family picnic." To this invitation he should, after some
+consideration, reply either "Yes" or "No," and if the former, he should
+present himself at the young lady's house promptly on the day set for
+the affair (usually Sunday).
+
+A "family picnic" generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a
+daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you),
+two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence.
+
+The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the
+mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch
+baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is
+a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are
+conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour
+and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun.
+
+"We're off!" cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal.
+Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has
+begun. The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you
+in walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs.
+
+It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the
+rear seat is not allowed to lag. "It's a great day," you remark, as the
+car speeds along. "I think it's going to rain," replies Aunt Florence.
+"Not too fast, Will!" says mother. "Mother!" says the daughter.
+
+Ten minutes later you should again remark, "My, what a wonderful day!"
+"Those clouds are gathering in the west," says Aunt Florence, "I think
+we had better put the top up." "I think this is the wrong road," says
+mother.
+
+"Dear, I know what I'm doing," replies father.
+
+The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the "hobby" of the
+person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out
+several "feelers" in order to find out the things in which his partner
+is most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, "Don't
+you think this is a glorious day for a picnic?" to which she will reply,
+"Well, I'm sure this is the wrong road. Hadn't you better ask?" The
+husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, "I think I
+felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don't put the top up now, we'll all be
+drenched."
+
+The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put
+up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the
+second and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he
+can not use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the
+rain curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get
+out and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of
+the LEFT hand.
+
+No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject,
+and when you are once more "under way" you should remark to the mother,
+"I think that motoring is great fun, don't you, Mrs. Caldwell?" Her
+answer will be, "I wish you wouldn't drive so fast!" You should then
+smile and say to Aunt Florence, "Don't YOU think that motoring is great
+fun, Mrs. Lockwood?" As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will
+blow out with a loud noise and the car will come to a bumping stop.
+
+The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the
+"puncture" occurs one should at once remark, "Is there anything I can
+do?" This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking
+care, however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a
+young man who is a "guest" on a motor trip on which a "blow-out" occurs
+is, of course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay.
+This can be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as
+card tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making
+funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire.
+
+When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding
+along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as
+father's best "jack" and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly
+remark, "I'm hungry." His father will then reply, "We'll be at a fine
+place to eat in ten minutes." Thirty minutes later mother will remark,
+"Will, that looks like a good place for a picnic over there." The father
+will reply, "No--we're coming to a wonderful place--just trust me,
+Mary!" Twenty minutes later Aunt Florence will say, "Will, I think that
+grove over there would be fine for our lunch," to which the husband
+will reply, "We're almost at the place I know about--it's ideal for a
+picnic." Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and point
+to a clump of trees. "There," he will say, "what do you think of that?"
+"Oh, we can't eat THERE!" will be the answer of mother, daughter and
+Aunt Florence. "Drive on a bit further--I think I know a place."
+
+Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal
+lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a
+wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, "Well, we
+might as well eat here." The "picnic" will then be held in the car, and
+nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does
+warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side
+curtains on.
+
+After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father
+have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party
+will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught
+pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your
+day's outing in the lap of old Mother Nature.
+
+
+{illustration caption = Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused
+than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancee's
+flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet
+for his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing,
+in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition
+without further ado, or should she request the guard to introduce the
+gentleman first?}
+
+
+{illustration caption = The young lady has received an invitation to a
+quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply,
+she has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her
+surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to
+such an invitation beginning "Dear Mrs. Peartree," "Dear Mrs. Rombouts,"
+and "Dear Mrs. Bevy," and one invitation to a christening beginning,
+"Dear Mrs. Steenwyck," but no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee
+beginning "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck." PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such
+perplexities.}
+
+{illustration caption = Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper
+are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one's social
+position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear
+the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it
+is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet.
+Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be
+recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather
+solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted
+above.}
+
+
+
+BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY
+
+Although many of America's foremost boxers have been persons whom one
+would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had
+out of the "manly art" if practised in a gentlemanly manner.
+
+"Boxing parties" are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of
+one's home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square
+ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and
+gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn.
+
+The contests should be between various members of one's social "set"
+who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times
+that they are gentlemen.
+
+The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of
+one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but
+two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be
+proclaimed the "champion."
+
+Great fun can then be had by announcing that the "champion" will be
+permitted to box three rounds with a "masked marvel." The identity
+of this "unknown" (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted
+professional pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the
+guests are in a glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins,
+and you can imagine their delight and happy enthusiasm when the "masked
+marvel" cleverly knocks the "champion" for a double loop through the
+ropes into the lap of some tittering "dowager."
+
+Refreshments should then be served and the "champion" can be carried
+home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host.
+
+
+BRIDGE WHIST
+
+"Bridge whist," or "Bridge," as it is often called by the younger
+generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good
+society, and "bridge" parties are much en vogue for both afternoon and
+evening entertainments. In order to become an expert "bridge" player
+one must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the
+game, but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe,
+pick up the fundamentals of "bridge" in a short while.
+
+Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a "young man about town," are
+invited to play "bridge" on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth,
+at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played
+the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the
+fact, for in good society one is supposed to play "bridge" just as one
+is supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday,
+November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at
+Mrs. Gregory's home.
+
+There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few
+minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will
+take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your
+partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880)
+is considered one of the most expert "bridge" players in the city, while
+Mr. Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central
+part of the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the
+plain one).
+
+As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst "bridge"
+player in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency
+by keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for
+nothing so enlivens a game of "bridge" as a young man or woman with
+a pleasing personality and a gift for "small talk." Thus, at the very
+beginning, after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in
+what seems to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest
+stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, "We are
+waiting for your bid, Mr. S----."
+
+The etiquette of "bidding," as far as you are concerned, should resolve
+itself into a consistent effort on your part to become "dummy" for each
+and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything,
+it should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter
+what the cost.
+
+Thus, on the first hand, you "pass." Mr. Watts then says, "Wait a
+minute, till I get these cards fixed"; to which Mrs. Watts replies,
+"Theodore, for Heaven's sake, how long do you want?" Mr. Watts then
+says, "Which is higher--clubs or hearts?" to which Mrs. Watts replies,
+"Clubs." Mrs. Dollings then says, "I beg your pardon, but hearts have
+always been considered higher than clubs." Mrs. Watts says, "Oh, yes,
+of course," and gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, "I
+bid--let's see--I bid two spades--no, two diamonds." Mrs. Dollings
+quickly says, "Two lilies," Mr. Watts says, "What's a lily?" to which
+Mrs. Watts replies, "Theodore!" and then bids "Two spades," at which
+Mrs. Dollings says, "I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades."
+Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts),
+"I beg your pardon." Mrs. Watts then bids "Three spades," at which you
+quickly say, "Four spades."
+
+This bid is not "raised." Mrs. Dollings then says to you, "I am counting
+on your spades to help me out," at which you look at the only spade in
+your hand (the three) and answer, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" There is then a wait
+of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, "It is
+your first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?" Mrs. Watts then blushes, says,
+"Oh, I beg your pardon!" and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down
+your "dummy" hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just
+what you have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, "Excuse me,
+but I want to use the telephone a minute." You should then go into the
+next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings
+will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts,
+and Mr. Watts will be saying, "Well, it's a silly game, anyway."
+
+You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent
+limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be
+considered a thoughtful and gracious "gesture" if, during the next two
+or three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how
+Mrs. Dollings is "getting on," or you might even send some flowers or a
+nice potted plant.
+
+
+FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING
+
+"Drinking" has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members
+of the better classes of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this
+pastime been so great in America as since the advent of "prohibition."
+Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for "drinking" have now
+given up almost all other amusements in favor of this fascinating sport;
+young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully
+as expert in the game as their parents. In many cities "drinking" has
+become more popular than "bridge" or dancing and it is predicted that,
+with a few more years of "prohibition," "drinking" will supersede golf
+and baseball as the great American pastime.
+
+The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental
+rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has
+been no less marked. What was considered "good form" in this pastime
+among our forefathers now decidedly demode, and the correct drinker
+of 1910 is as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the
+"frock-coat."
+
+The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking.
+"Formal drinking" is usually played after dinner and is more and more
+coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances,
+magic lantern shows, "dumb crambo," et cetera, as the parlor amusement
+par excellence. "Formal drinking" can be played by from one to fifteen
+people in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is
+generally better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police,
+fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, ice,
+and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin.
+
+The sport is begun by the host's wife, who says, "How would you all like
+to play a little bridge?" This is followed by silence. Another wife then
+says, "I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge." One of
+the men players then steps forward and says "I think it would be awfully
+nice to have a little drink."
+
+An "It" is then selected--always, by courtesy, the host. The "It" then
+says, "How would you all like to have a little drink?" The men players
+then answer in the affirmative and the "It's" wife says, "Now Henry
+dear, please--remember what happened last time." The "It" replies, "Yes,
+dear," and goes into the cellar, while the "It's" wife, after providing
+each guest with a glass, puts away the Dresden china clock, the
+porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe.
+
+Sides are chosen--usually with the husbands on one "team" and the wives
+on the other. The purpose of the game is for the "husbands', team" to
+try to drink up all the "It's" liquor before the "wives' team" can get
+them to go home.
+
+When the "It" returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each
+player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The
+"It's" wife then says, "Now--how about a few rubbers of bridge?" She is
+immediately elected "team captain" for the rest of the evening. It is
+the duty of the "team captain" to provide cracked ice and water, to get
+ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer's hand, to keep
+Eddie Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and
+to break up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when
+(1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the "It" (or three guests) have passed
+"out," (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences.
+"Informal" drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations
+and can be played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The
+person who is caught with the liquor is "It," and the object of the game
+is to take all the liquor away from the "It" as soon as possible. In
+order to avoid being "It," many players sometimes resort to various low
+subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room
+during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with great
+disfavor--especially by that increasingly large group of citizens who
+are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of a "dry America" by
+consuming all of the present rapidly diminishing visible supply.
+
+
+A JOLLY HALLOWE'EN PARTY
+
+The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one's informal
+parties is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in
+recent years. How often has it happened that just when you had gotten
+your guests nicely seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso
+record, some ill-mannered fellow would remark, "Oh, Lord--let's go over
+to the Tom Phillips' and get something to drink." How many times in the
+past have you prepared original little "get-together" games, such as
+Carol Kennicott did in Main Street, only to find that, when you again
+turned the lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening.
+
+Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but
+Hallowe'en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid
+opportunity for originality and "peppy" fun. The following suggestions
+are presented to ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no
+matter what other reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not
+be bored.
+
+
+{illustration caption = Few people realize the value of picture
+post-cards as indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the
+sender, yet nothing so definitely "places" a person socially as his
+choice of these souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the
+above cards?}
+
+{illustration caption = In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes,
+the gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society
+when, having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his
+coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so,
+reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden about his person.
+This sort of thing, while often tolerated at less formal "stag"
+poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible when ladies are present. The
+young man was simply ignorant of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the
+Great is the generally accepted authority on cards in the "beau monde."}
+
+
+
+INVITATIONS
+
+The whole spirit of Hallowe'en is, of course, one of "spooky" gayety and
+light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance
+and black cats howl. "More work for the undertaker" should be the
+leitmotif of the evening's fun.
+
+The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the
+preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who
+gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with
+each bidding to the evening's gayeties. It is, of course, not at all
+necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything
+dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There
+is such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and
+the canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed.
+
+Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper
+in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are
+inscribed. Such as:
+
+ "Next Monday night is Hallowe'en,
+ You big stiff."
+     or
+ "On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even,
+ My grandmother's maiden name was Stephens."
+     or
+ "On Hallowe'en you may see a witch
+ If you don't look out, you funny fellow."
+     or
+ "Harry and I are giving a Hallowe'en party;
+ Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be
+     prompt.
+     or
+ "Monday night the ghosts do dance;
+ Why didn't you enlist and go to France,
+ You slacker?"
+
+
+Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper
+thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one
+of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper
+up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a "spooky" gummed
+sticker, and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the
+invitation, he will be surprised to read the following:
+
+ Now what on earth
+ do you suppose
+ is in this
+ little folder
+ keep turning
+ ha ha ha
+ further
+ ha ha ha
+ further
+ ha ha ha,
+ further
+ ha ha ha
+ further
+
+
+It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom
+you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time
+of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by
+failing to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them;
+the two cents which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be
+returned in a novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them
+in sandwiches or stuffed tomatoes.
+
+For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the
+following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number
+of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or other high
+explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine,
+being careful not to put too much; a quantity sufficient to wreck a room
+20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that
+the explosion will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card,
+neatly decorated with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written
+
+ "Midnight is the mystic hour
+ Of yawning graves and coffins dour.
+ Beneath your bed this clock please hide
+ And when it strikes---you'll be surprised."
+
+
+These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the
+guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband's
+business associates, or because they were nice to your mother when she
+did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part
+of relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to
+them that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe'en fun; it
+might even help to invite them to one of your next parties.
+
+
+RECEIVING THE GUESTS
+
+On Hallowe'en night great care should be taken in the preparations for
+receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in
+the effort to start the evening off with a "bang."
+
+Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the
+right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take
+the street number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your
+next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they
+are perfectly impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere.
+Extinguish all the lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes
+downstairs twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly
+tell your bewildered friends specifically where to go.
+
+When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which
+house on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign
+reading:
+
+ "If you would be my Valentine,
+ Follow please the bright green line."
+
+
+Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest proceeds
+to follow, according to directions. This cord should guide the way to
+the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has recently purchased an
+automatic revolver under the delusion that burglars are operating in the
+neighborhood. As your bewildered guest gropes his way about the cellar,
+it is quite likely that he will be shot at several times and by the time
+he emerges (if he does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the
+informal spirit of Hallowe'en and ready for anything.
+
+
+HOW TO MYSTIFY
+
+At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly rush
+out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that he will pick
+up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot--an event which often
+adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the evening's fun. If, however,
+no such event occurs, the guest should be blindfolded and led into the
+house. Once inside he is conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will
+find three or four earlier arrivals also blindfolded.
+
+The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they are
+told that they are to be left there all evening. This is really a great
+joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, believe what you say,
+and when you come up to untie them the next morning, their shame-faced
+discomposure is truly laughable.
+
+The green-cord-into-neighbor's-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly varied
+by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green line lead in
+that direction. Great care should be taken, however, to keep an exact
+account of the number of guests who succumb to this trick, for although
+an unexpected "ducking" is excruciatingly humorous, drowning often
+results fatally.
+
+Great fun can be added to the evening's entertainment by dressing
+several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these costumes
+can be quite simply and economically made in the home, or can be
+procured from some reliable department store.
+
+An "old-fashioned" witch's costume consists of a union suit (Munsing or
+any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, chemise, underpetticoat,
+overpetticoat, long black skirt, long black stockings, shoes, black
+waist and shawl, with a pointed witch's hat and a broomstick. The
+"modern" witch's costume is much simpler and inexpensive in many
+details.
+
+A particularly novel and "hair raising" effect may be produced by
+painting the entire body of one of the male guests with phosphorus. As
+this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the darkened rooms you may
+easily imagine the ghastly effect--especially upon his wife.
+
+
+GAMES
+
+After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the ghosts
+and witches it will be time to commence some of the many games which are
+always associated with Hallowe'en. "Bobbing for apples" is, of course,
+the most common of these games and great sport it is, too, to watch the
+awkward efforts of the guests as they try to pick up with their teeth
+the apples floating in a large tub. I know of one hostess who added
+greatly to the evening's fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the
+tub; the effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except
+for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to sleep
+in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as playfully to throw
+all the floating fruit at the hostess' pet Pomeranian.
+
+Most Hallowe'en games concern themselves with delving into the future in
+the hopes that one may there discover one's husband or bride-to-be.
+In one of these games the men stand at one end of the room, facing the
+girls, with their hands behind their backs and eyes tightly closed. The
+girls are blindfolded and one by one they are led to within six feet of
+the expectant men and given a soft pin cushion which they hurl forward.
+The tradition is that whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry.
+Great fun can be added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock
+or iron dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion.
+
+Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe'en tradition is as
+follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk upstairs into
+the room at the end of the hall where, by looking in a mirror, she will
+see her future husband. Have it arranged so that you are concealed alone
+in the room. When the girl arrives, look over her shoulder into the
+mirror. She had better go downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that
+another girl can come up. This tradition dates from before William the
+Conqueror.
+
+No Hallowe'en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. Dress
+yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one to hear their
+fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a caldron, from which
+you extract the slip of paper containing the particular fortune.
+These slips of paper should be prepared beforehand. The following are
+suggested:
+
+"You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands you
+better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?"
+
+"You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you ordered
+last month. And it's about time you kicked across with some of your
+own."
+
+"You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your golf
+score as you did last Sunday on Number 12."
+
+Still another pleasing Hallowe'en game, based on the revelation of one's
+matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted candles are
+placed in a row on a table. The men are then blindfolded, whirled
+around three times and commanded to blow out the candles. The number
+extinguished at a blow tells the number of years before they meet their
+bride. This game only grows interesting, of course, when some old goat
+with long whiskers can be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out
+the candles. Have Pyrene convenient--but not too convenient to spoil the
+fun.
+
+For the older members of the party, the host should provide various
+games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly spirit of the
+occasion, it would be well to have the dice carefully loaded. Many hosts
+have thus been able to make all expenses and often a handsome profit out
+of the evening's entertainment.
+
+If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not hesitate to
+provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, too, the spirit of
+fun and jollity should prevail, and great merriment is always provoked
+by the ludicrous expression of the guest who has broken two teeth on the
+cast-iron olive. Other delightful surprises should be arranged, and a
+little Sloan's liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream
+will go a long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when
+the guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you
+have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of their
+evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to run up stairs
+and lock yourself securely in your room.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS
+
+CORRESPONDENCE
+
+It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the other
+side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on one occasion,
+when a vainglorious American was boasting of his country's prowess in
+digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited until he had finished and
+then replied, with an indescribable smile, "Ah--but you Americans do not
+know how to write letters." Needless to say the discomfited young man
+took himself off at the earliest opportunity.
+
+There is much truth, alas, in the English lady's clever retort, for the
+automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal card have done
+much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art of correspondence.
+As one American woman recently remarked to a visitor (with more wit,
+however, than good taste), "Yes, we do have correspondents here--but
+they are all in the divorce courts."
+
+
+CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES
+
+There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which must
+be followed by all who would "take their pen in hand." Young people are
+the most apt to offend in this respect against the accepted canons of
+good taste and it is to these that I would first address the contents of
+this chapter. A young girl often lets her high spirits run away with
+her amour propre, with the result that her letters, especially those
+addressed to strangers, are often lacking in that dignity which is the
+sine qua non of correct correspondence.
+
+Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss
+Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to a
+taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently stuffed
+her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters illustrates the evil
+to which I have just referred, viz., the complete absence of proper
+dignity. The second, written with the aid of her mama, whose experience
+in social affairs has been considerable, shows the correct method of
+corresponding with comparative strangers.
+
+
+An Incorrect Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for
+Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice
+
+  DEAR MR. Epps:
+
+  Aren't you an old PEACH to have gone and stuffed Alice so
+  prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of
+  taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a
+  dinner party last night and EVERYBODY was just wild about it and
+  wanted to know who had done it. How on EARTH did you manage to
+  get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too
+  priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it's so
+  DARNED natural that I can't believe Alice is really dead. I guess
+  you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have
+  done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how
+  perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was
+  such a PEACH of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway,
+  thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly
+  gorgeous bit of taxidermy.
+                 Gratefully,
+                      FLORENCE CHASE.
+  593 Fifth Avenue,
+  New York City.
+
+
+The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with which
+young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and especially those
+who are not in their own social "set." Slang may be excusable in shop
+girls or baseball players, but never in the mouth of a young lady with
+any pretensions to breeding. And the use of "darned" and "dog-goned" is
+simply unpardonable. Notice, now, the way in which Miss Florence writes
+the letter after, her mama has given her the proper instruction.
+
+A Correct Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for
+Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice
+
+  Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist,
+  New York City.
+  DEAR SIR:
+
+  It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to
+  compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have
+  rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice.
+  Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an
+  unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic
+  appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I
+  pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of
+  the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of
+  the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty
+  Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit,
+  who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation.
+                 Sincerely yours,
+                      FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE.
+  December 11, 1922.
+
+
+{illustration caption = The young man is leaving the home of his host
+in "high dudgeon." He is of the type rather slangily known among the
+members of our younger set as "finale hopper" which means, in the
+"King's English," one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is
+well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the socially
+elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either the quantity of
+soup consumed or the method of consumption adopted. These things should
+be left for the privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will
+afford much innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his
+kindly meant but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.}
+
+{illustration caption = The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just
+been guilty of a gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret
+of popularity lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that the
+son of his hostess is about to enter a dental school, he has removed
+the excellent teeth (false) from his mouth and passed them around for
+inspection. The fact that the teeth are of the latest mode does not in
+any way condone the breach. Leniency in such matters is not recommended.
+"Facilis descensus Averni" as one of the great poets of the Middle Ages
+so aptly put it.}
+
+
+
+COLLEGE BOYS
+
+It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in young
+people, and especially is this true of the mischievous pranks of college
+boys. If Harvard football heroes and their "rooters," for example, wish
+to let their hair grow long and wear high turtle-necked red "sweaters,"
+corduroy trousers and huge "frat" pins, I, for one, can see no grave
+objection, for "boys will be boys" and I am, I hope, no "old fogy" in
+such matters. But I also see no reason why these same young fellows
+should not be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of
+the drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters,
+illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young college
+men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some place in our
+college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment:
+
+An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student
+Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory
+
+  DEAR MIKE:
+
+  Here's your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds.
+                           ED.
+  P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific
+  welt on my forehead and somebody's hat with the initials L. G.
+  T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S.
+  Please for God's sake don't cash this check until the fifteenth
+  or I'm ruined.
+
+
+And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same letter be
+indited.
+
+A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student
+Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory
+
+
+  MY DEAR "FRIENDLY ENEMY":
+
+  Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn't it, and it was so good to
+  see you in "Old Nassau." I am sorry that you could not have come
+  earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I
+  also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday,
+  for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the
+  Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower.
+  However, "better luck next time."
+
+  The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our
+  wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost
+  glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any
+  form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught
+  me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think
+  me a "prig," dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you
+  will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a
+  football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling
+  with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make
+  this our last wager--or at least, next time, let us not lend it
+  the appearance of professional gambling by giving "odds," such as
+  I gave you this year.
+
+  You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen
+  you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn,
+  but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the
+  day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My
+  indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which
+  befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a
+  scalp wound was the only result and a few days' rest in my cozy
+  dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however,
+  that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden
+  departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they
+  were--and I am only too glad to find that the "bulldogs" are as
+  thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I
+  discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that
+  in taking my departure I inadvertently "walked off" with the hat
+  and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I
+  am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by
+  the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner.
+
+  Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to
+  visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been
+  curious to observe the many interesting sights of "Eli land."
+  Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have
+  given New Haven its name of "the City of Elms," and the
+  collection of primitive paintings for which your college is
+  justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request
+  that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the
+  fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding,
+  I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being
+  "overdrawn."
+
+  Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and
+  yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of
+  your "eleven,"
+       Your devoted friend and well wisher,
+            EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN.
+
+
+LETTERS TO PARENTS
+
+Of course, when young people write to the members of their immediate
+family, it is not necessary that they employ such reserve as in
+correspondence with friends. The following letter well illustrates the
+change in tone which is permissible in such intimate correspondence:
+
+A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her Parents
+
+
+  DEAR MOTHER:
+
+  Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of
+  coming to visit me here at school next week, but don't you think
+  it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up
+  here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The
+  railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are
+  usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for
+  their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats
+  and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to
+  have you come only I wouldn't want you or father to get some
+  terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least
+  three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get
+  here the accommodations aren't very good for outsiders, many of
+  the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating
+  ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don't you
+  really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father
+  stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the
+  conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at
+  the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get
+  permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday
+  and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her
+  "permitted" list.
+
+  However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be
+  better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn't
+  like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am
+  sure that he couldn't get his glass of hot water in the morning
+  before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New
+  York. But if he does come please mother don't let him wear that
+  old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn't you get him
+  to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And
+  please, mother dear, make him put those "stogies" of his in an
+  inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch
+  father's employees gave you last Christmas?
+
+  I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be
+  better if you let me come to New York where you and father will
+  be ever so much more comfortable.
+                 Your loving daughter,
+                                JEANNETTE.
+
+
+LETTERS FROM PARENTS
+
+THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when corresponding with
+their children, with, of course, the addition of a certain amount of
+dignity commensurate with the fact that they are, as it were, in loco
+parentis. The following example will no doubt be of aid to parents in
+correctly corresponding with their children:
+
+A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on His
+Election to the Presidency of the United States
+
+  DEAR FREDERICK:
+
+  I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United
+  States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough
+  to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him
+  give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely
+  has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York
+  whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been
+  almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good
+  wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she
+  told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think
+  you had better get a new overcoat--a heavy warm one. She also
+  told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks
+  and pajamas. I hope that you aren't going to be so foolish as to
+  wear those short B. V. D.'s all winter because now that you are
+  president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you
+  keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those
+  dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on
+  to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered
+  when you go out--Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always
+  cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the "movies"
+  the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain
+  without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a
+  fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of
+  pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and
+  let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him EVERYTHING.
+            Your LOVING mother.
+  P. S. What direction does your window face?
+
+
+LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW
+
+A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite society,
+"pop the question" to her by mail, unless she happens, at the time,
+to be out of the city or otherwise unable to "receive." It is often
+advisable, however, after she has said "yes," to write a letter to her
+father instead of calling on him to ask for his permission to the match,
+as a personal interview is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In
+writing these letters to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point
+is, of course, the creation by the young man of a good impression in
+the mind of the father, and for this purpose he should study to make
+his letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older gentleman's
+habits and tastes.
+
+Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a "business
+man," the following form is suggested:
+
+A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man
+
+
+                                My letter,
+                                10-6-22
+                                Your letter,
+       In reply please refer to: --------
+                      File--Love--personal--
+                      N. Y.--1922
+                      No. G, 16 19
+  Mr. Harrison Williams,
+  Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co.,
+  Buffalo, N. Y.
+
+  DEAR SIR:
+
+  Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with
+  your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your
+  daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in
+  this matter would be greatly appreciated.
+                 Yours truly,
+                           EDWARD FISH.
+  Copy to your Daughter                   per E. F.
+    "  "  "   Wife
+  EF/F
+
+
+Or, should the girl's father be prominent in the advertising business,
+the following would probably create a favorable impression, especially
+if printed on a blotter or other useful article:
+
+A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the
+Advertising Business
+
+  JUST A MOMENT!
+
+  Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren?
+
+  Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America
+  are GRANDFATHERS?
+
+  Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in
+  America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN?
+
+  Honestly, now, don't there come moments, after the day's work is
+  done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when
+  you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to
+  call you GRANDPA?
+
+  Be fair to your daughter
+  Give her a College educated husband!
+  COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH
+
+
+Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of
+Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better class stores,
+the following might prove effective:
+
+A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a
+Credit Department
+
+  MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS:     10-6-22
+
+  I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which
+  no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere.
+  This is not to be considered as a "dun" but merely as a gentle
+  reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you
+  could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of
+  next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your
+  immediate attention.
+            Yours truly,
+                      ED. FISH.
+
+                                11-2-22
+  DEAR MR. ROBERTS:
+
+  As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22
+  regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not
+  at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I
+  referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that
+  my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request
+  that you let me have some word from you before the first of next
+  month.
+            Yours truly,
+                      EDWARD FISH.
+
+            (Registered Mail)             12-2-22
+  DEAR SIR:
+
+  You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and
+  11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this
+  matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and
+  Nusselmann, 41 City Nat'l Bank Bldg.
+                                E. FISH.
+
+
+Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its conclusion and
+if no reply is received to this last letter it might be well to call on
+the gentleman in his place of business--or, possibly, it might even
+be better to call off the engagement. "None but the brave deserve the
+fair"--but there is also a line in one of Byron's poems which goes, I
+believe, "Here sleep the brave."
+
+
+LOVE LETTERS
+
+A young man corresponding with his fiancee is never, of course, as
+formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, however,
+that his correspondence should be full of silly meaningless "nothings."
+On the contrary, he should aim to instruct and benefit his future spouse
+as well as convey to her his tokens of affection. The following letter
+well illustrates the manner in which a young man may write his fiancee
+a letter which, while it is replete with proper expressions of
+amatory good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful
+information:
+
+A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His Fiancee
+
+
+  MY DEAREST EDITH:
+
+  How I long to see you--to hold tight your hand--to look into your
+  eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as
+  you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the
+  so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85
+  feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5
+  1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me
+  in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population
+  (1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches,
+  and I wish--oh, how I wish--that you might be here with me.
+  Yesterday, for example, I went to the Pere Lachaise cemetery
+  which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in
+  Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air
+  sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made
+  me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d.
+  1695) and Moliere (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this
+  cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments--not the last
+  resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the
+  Op<ra Comique fire (1887)--no, dearest, it was the tomb of
+  Abelard and Heloise, those late 11th early 12th century lovers,
+  and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young
+  lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed
+  at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of
+  sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of
+  Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube).
+
+  Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear
+  picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is
+  the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high
+  (Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great
+  Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it
+  seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as
+  this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000
+  tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by
+  2,500,000 iron rivets.
+
+  Farewell, my dearest one--I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a
+  huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly
+  three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries
+  lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are
+  escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M.
+  I long to hold you in my arms.
+                      Devotedly,
+                                PAUL.
+
+
+CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS
+
+Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful
+correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by the
+public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a letter meant
+for public consumption which distinguishes it from correspondence of
+a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, writing a "public letter,"
+would cast it in the following form:
+
+A Correct "Public Letter" from a Congressman
+
+  Mr. Ellison Lothrop,
+  Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. "Better Citizenship" League,
+
+  MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP:
+
+  You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better
+  Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president,
+  some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition.
+
+  Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right
+  thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth
+  Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit
+  which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is
+  reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the
+  manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up
+  gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use
+  of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money
+  in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night
+  debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many--"the
+  greatest good of the greatest number" is the slogan. And I, for
+  one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body
+  which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the
+  Eighteenth Amendment.
+
+  I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great
+  organization,
+            Sincerely yours,
+                      WALTER G. TOWNSLEY.
+
+
+A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman
+
+  DEAR BOB:
+
+  Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case
+  for Scotch and $90 for gin DELIVERED and not a cent more.
+                           W. G. T.
+
+
+{illustration caption = The problem of an introduction when there is no
+mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having
+had the good taste to purchase a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, is having no
+difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in front of the
+lady's house and, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, has set
+fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady will eventually
+emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a gentleman of
+gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively simple.}
+
+{illustration caption = A knowledge of the language of flowers is
+essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain.
+With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to present
+the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total ignorance.
+The young lady, being a faithful student of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, knows its
+exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for her to turn and,
+with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man's head. Alas, how
+differently this romance might have ended if the so-called "friends" of
+the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a
+book on etiquette such as PERFECT BEHAVIOR.}
+
+
+
+LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC.
+
+Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is intended
+for publication in some periodical. This is usually written by elderly
+gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in the following form:
+
+
+A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a Newspaper
+or Magazine
+
+  To the Editor:
+  SIR:
+
+  On February next, Deo volente, I shall have been a constant
+  reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel,
+  sir, that that record gives me the right ipso facto to offer my
+  humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by
+  that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. Humanum est
+  errare, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have
+  unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me
+  for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I
+  might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now
+  long past, it was not considered infra dig for a critic to reply
+  to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this
+  epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my
+  complaint.
+
+  I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and
+  public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing
+  Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you
+  don't) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog
+  Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I
+  believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I
+  ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of '68
+  when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went
+  into the old Boston Museum to see Our American Cousin. Joe
+  Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I
+  think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe,
+  afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many
+  men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from
+  in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and "Sam" Caldwell, who was
+  one of the nominees for vice president in '92. I sat next to Sam
+  in "Bull" Warren's Greek class. THERE was one of the finest
+  scholars this country has ever produced--a stern taskmaster, and
+  a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger
+  generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom,
+  with "Bull" pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling
+  in our shoes. But Delenda est Carthago--fuit Ilium--Requiescat in
+  pace. I last saw "Bull" at our fifteenth reunion and we were all
+  just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis.
+
+  But I digress. Tempus fugit,--which reminds me of a story "Billy"
+  Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association
+  in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant
+  after-dinner speaker I have ever heard--with the possible
+  exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that
+  Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign.
+
+  But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of
+  the November issue of your worthy magazine that The Easiest Way
+  is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun
+  forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is
+  it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as Hamlet and
+  Othello? I think not. Fiat justitia, ruat colum.
+                      Sincerely,
+                           SHERWIN G. COLLINS.
+
+
+A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low Ideals
+
+  To the Editor: Sir:
+
+  I have a son--a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my
+  name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have
+  spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth.
+
+  I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those
+  worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought
+  and--aye--died. I do not believe that there existed in our
+  neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy.
+
+  From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have
+  kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put
+  in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not
+  allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than
+  the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last
+  year, a film called Snow White and Rose Red; we have forbidden
+  him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never
+  in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex.
+
+  Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland--my boy who, for
+  fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin--rushed in
+  last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening
+  game of Bezique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine
+  which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend's
+  house. "Papa, look," said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of
+  the magazine. "What are these?"
+
+  Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have.
+  My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called--in
+  barroom parlance--a "nude." And not ONE nude but TWELVE!
+
+  Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I
+  trust you are satisfied.
+                      Yours, etc.,
+                           EVERETT G. PRINGLE.
+
+A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains should be
+taken in answering such letters as it should always be our aim to lend a
+hand to those aspiring toward better things.
+
+  To the Editor:
+  Dear Sir:
+
+  I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the
+  other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on
+  my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell
+  me and anyway it don't do no harm to ask what I want to know is
+  will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this
+  coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply.
+                      Yrs.
+                           ED. WALSH.
+
+A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a Periodical,
+inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be referred to the persons
+mentioned in the letter who will probably take prompt and vigorous
+action.
+
+  Literary Editors:
+  Dear Sirs:
+
+  I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and
+  Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I
+  wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of
+  information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her
+  mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who
+  was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort
+  of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it's a
+  small world after all, isn't it? and I shouldn't be at all
+  surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say
+  hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes
+  down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He'll know who I
+  mean.
+                      Ever sincerely,
+                           MAY WINTERS.
+
+
+LETTERS TO STRANGERS
+
+In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight acquaintance,
+it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show the stranger that
+you are interested in the things in which he is interested. Thus, for
+example, if you were to write a letter to a Frenchman who was visiting
+your city for the first time, you would endeavor, as in the following
+example, to speak to him in his own idiom and put him at his ease by
+referring to the things with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is
+only a "boor" who seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a
+stranger, disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the
+latter.
+
+
+A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR
+
+  Monsieur Jules La Chaise,
+  Hotel Enterprise,
+  City.
+
+  MONSIEUR:
+
+  I hope that you have had a bon voyage on your trip from la belle
+  France, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to
+  our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so
+  justly remarked, "L'etat, c'est moi," yet I believe that I can
+  entertain you comme il faut during your stay here. But all bon
+  mots aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride
+  around the city? If you say the word, voila! we shall be at your
+  hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much
+  that is interesting to a native of Lafayette's great country and
+  especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that
+  this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery je ne
+  sais quoi which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are
+  not to be compared to yours, mon Dieu, but we have recently
+  completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I
+  think might almost be denominated an objet d'art.
+
+  I am enclosing a visitor's card to the City Club here, which I
+  wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find
+  there several bon vivants who will be glad to join you in a game
+  of vingt et un, and in the large room on the second floor is a
+  victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of "La
+  Marseillaise."
+
+  Au revoir until I see you this afternoon.
+                                Robert C. Crocker.
+
+
+And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, seek
+to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful to the
+recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been utterly ruined
+because one of the parties, in her correspondence or conversation,
+carelessly referred to some matter--perhaps some physical
+peculiarity--upon which the other was extremely sensitive. The following
+letter well illustrates how the use of a little tact may go "a long
+way."
+
+
+A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY
+
+  My dear Mrs. Lenox:
+
+  I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday
+  evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night,
+  which accounts for our selection of that particular evening.
+  "Beggars cannot be choosers," and while personally we would all
+  rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do
+  not refuse the Cromwells' generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is
+  really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for
+  the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope,
+  therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear "The Barber
+  of Seville."
+                      Sincerely,
+                 Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin.
+
+
+INVITATIONS
+
+The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the character of
+the function to which one wishes to invite the guests to whom one issues
+the invitation. Or, to put it more simply, invitations differ according
+to the nature of the party to which one invites the guests. In other
+words, when issuing invitations to invited guests one must have due
+regard for the fact that these invitations vary with the various types
+of entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to
+say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation to a
+wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an iron-clad rule
+in polite society.
+
+For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems,
+respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a
+gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following
+engraved invitation:
+
+          MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS
+
+          request the pleasure of
+
+          MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK'S
+
+          company at dinner
+
+          on Tuesday January the tenth
+
+          at half after seven o'clock
+
+          1063 Railroad Avenue.
+
+
+This invitation would of course be worded differently for different
+circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the people giving
+the party wasn't Weems or if they didn't live at 1063 Railroad Ave.,
+or if they didn't have any intention of giving a dinner party on that
+particular evening.
+
+Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead of the
+engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be fairly informal.
+This sort of invitation should, however, be extremely simple. I think
+that most well-informed hostesses would agree that the following is too
+verbose:
+
+
+  DEAR MR. BURPEE.
+
+  It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on
+  Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr.
+  Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia?
+                 Cordially,
+                      ESTELLE G. BESSERABO.
+
+
+For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in this
+manner:
+
+
+          MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT
+
+          request the pleasure of your company
+
+          on Friday evening February sixth
+
+          from nine to twelve
+
+          AT DELMONICO'S
+
+          to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and
+
+          Mrs. SCHMIDT
+
+
+Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus:
+
+     THE SENIOR CLASS
+
+     of the
+
+     SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE
+
+     requests the honor of your presence at the
+
+     Commencement Exercises
+
+     on Tuesday evening, June the fifth
+
+     at eight o'clock
+
+     MASONIC OPERA HOUSE
+
+     "That Six- Orchestra.
+
+
+ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS
+
+Responses to invitations usually take the form of "acceptances" or
+"regrets." It is never correct, for example, to write the following sort
+of note:
+
+  DEAR MRS. CRONICK:
+
+  Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would
+  advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify
+  whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience
+  furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed
+  affair--number of guests, character of refreshments, size of
+  orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am,
+                 Yours truly,
+                      ALFRED CASS NAPE.
+
+
+If one wishes to attend the party, one "accepts" on a clean sheet of
+note-paper with black ink from a "fountain" pen or inkwell. A hostess
+should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a large number of
+"acceptances" implies that anybody really wishes to attend her party.
+
+The following is a standard form of acceptance:
+
+
+  Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs.
+  Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth,
+  at half after eight.
+
+This note need not be signed. The following "acceptance" is decidedly
+demode:
+
+  DEAR MRS. ASTOR:
+
+  Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim?
+  Count on me sure.                       FRED.
+
+
+It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write "accepted" across the
+face of the invitation and return it signed to the hostess.
+
+If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one's
+"regrets" although one just as often sends one's "acceptances,"
+depending largely upon the social position of one's hostess. The proper
+form of "regret" is generally as follows:
+
+
+  Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind
+  invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday
+  evening at half after eight.
+
+
+Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the
+"regret," as for example:
+
+
+  Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the
+  left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and
+  down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind
+  invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday
+  evening at half after eight, at "The Bananas."
+
+This is not, however, always necessary.
+
+{illustration caption = This is an admirable picture with which to test
+the "kiddies'" knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It will
+also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture since the "faux pas"
+illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little
+ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have been
+conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the brighter ones
+discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left standing in the cup,
+that the coffee is being served from the right instead of the left side,
+and that the lettering of the motto on the wall too nearly resembles
+the German style to be quite "au fait" in the home of any red-blooded
+American citizen.}
+
+
+{illustration caption = Dessert has been reached and the gentleman
+in the picture is perspiring freely--in itself a deplorable breach of
+etiquette. He has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on
+either side of him in conversation on babies, Camp's Reducing Exercises,
+politics, Camp's Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to
+be rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on
+the other. If he had taken the precaution to consult Stewart's Lightning
+Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social
+success to be found in PERFECT BEHAVIOR) he would have realized the
+bad taste characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made
+himself a marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table.}
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS
+
+FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA
+
+Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the better
+classes of society almost without interruption from earliest times. And
+"society," like the potentate of the parable whose touch transformed
+every object into gold, has embellished and adorned the all-too-common
+habit of eating, until there has been evolved throughout the ages that
+most charming and exquisite product of human culture--the formal dinner
+party. The gentleman of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and
+escorts into a ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other
+celebrity, is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers
+for having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of
+spending his time.
+
+But "before one runs, one must learn to walk"--and the joys of the
+dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary course
+of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow when he
+discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was causing humorous
+comment up and down the "board" and was drawing upon himself the haughty
+glances of an outraged hostess. The first requisite of success in dining
+out is the possession of a complete set of correct table manners--and
+these, like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study
+and daily practise.
+
+
+TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN
+
+AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire the
+technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best possible place
+for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. Children should be taught
+at an early age the fundamentals of "table" manners in such a way that
+by the time they have reached the years of manhood the correct use of
+knife, fork, spoon and fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But
+the parents should remember, above everything else, to instruct their
+children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his lessons.
+This is the method which is employed today in every successful school
+or "kindergarten"; this is the method which really produces satisfactory
+results.
+
+Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward persists in
+bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, you should
+not punish or scold him; a much more effective and graphic method of
+correcting this habit would be for you to suddenly pick up the tadpole
+one day at luncheon and swallow it. No whipping or scolding would so
+impress upon the growing boy the importance of the fact that the dinner
+table is not the place for pets.
+
+Another effective way of teaching table manners to children consists
+in making up attractive games about the various lessons to be learned.
+Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the children can play "Boner"
+which consists in watching the visitor closely all during the meal in
+order to catch him in any irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as
+the guest has committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points
+his finger at him and shouts, "Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!" and the
+boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of "Boners" during the
+evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the following table of
+points:
+
+ If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points.
+ If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points.
+ If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points.
+ If the guest blows on soup, 5 points.
+ If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points.
+ If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points.
+ If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point.
+
+
+Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in advance
+in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will enter thoroughly
+into the spirit of this helpful sport.
+
+
+A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE
+
+Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted to
+them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable facts about
+the dinner table can be embodied in children's verses. A few of these
+which I can remember from my own happy childhood are as follows:
+
+ Oh, wouldn't it be jolly
+ To be a nice hors d'oeuvre
+ And just bring joy to people
+ Whom fondest you were of.
+
+ Soup is eaten with a spoon
+ But not to any haunting tune.
+
+ Oysters live down in the sea
+ In zones both temp. and torrid,
+ And when they are good they are very good      indeed,
+ And when they are bad they are horrid.
+
+ My papa makes a lovely Bronx
+ With gin so rare and old,
+ And two of them will set you right
+ But four will knock you cold.
+
+ The boys with Polly will not frolic
+ Because she's eaten too much garlic.
+ Mama said the other day,
+ "A little goes a long, long way."
+
+ A wind came up out of the sea
+ And said, "Those dams are not for me."
+
+ Uncle Frank choked on a bone
+ From eating shad au gratin
+ Aunt Ethel said it served him right
+ And went back to her flat in
+     NEWARK (spoken)
+     Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted)
+
+ I love my little finger bowl
+ So full of late filet of sole.
+
+ Cousin George at lunch one day
+ Remarked, "That apple looks quite tasty.
+ Now George a dentist's bill must pay
+ Because he was so very hasty.
+ The proverb's teachings we must hold
+ "All that glitters is not gold."
+ And mama said to George, "Oh, shoot,
+ You've gone and ruined my glass fruit."
+
+ Jim broke bread into his soup,
+ Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop.
+ Kate drank from her finger bowl,
+ Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal.
+ Children who perform such tricks
+ Are socially in Class G-6.
+
+
+ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL
+
+OF course, as the children become older, the instruction should
+gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the
+youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and
+intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested that the
+teachings during this period may be successfully combined with the
+young gentleman's or lady's other schoolroom studies; in the case of
+mathematics, for example, the instruction might be handled in somewhat
+the following manner:
+
+
+A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)
+
+A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He swims for
+five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and for three minutes
+at the rate of four miles per hour. He then reaches the other bank,
+where he sees a young lady five feet ten inches tall, walking around a
+tree, in a circle the circumference of which is forty-two yards.
+
+  A. What is the diameter of the circle?
+  B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream?
+  C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current
+  in the stream?
+  D. At what point does the swimmer actually land?
+  E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?
+
+
+And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first formal
+dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the fundamentals of
+correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, as in every sport or
+profession, there are certain refinements--certain niceties which
+come only after long experience--and it is with a view of helping the
+ambitious diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest
+that he study carefully the following "unwritten laws" which govern
+every dinner party.
+
+In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the menu
+which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes a habit of
+saying "Squab, you know, never agrees with me--I wonder if I might have
+a couple of poached eggs," is apt to find that such squeamishness does
+not pay in the long run.
+
+Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this sort.
+I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is out of place,
+but such "stunts" as pulling the hostess' chair out from under her--or
+gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor under the table and
+shouting "Guess who?"--are decidedly among the "non-ests" of correct
+modern dinner-table behaviour.
+
+Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain
+or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it was
+considered correct for a young man who could do card or other tricks to
+add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, but that time
+is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make a "hit" by pulling a
+live rabbit or a potted plant from the back of the mystified hostess or
+one of the butlers, is in reality only making a "fool" of himself if
+he only knew it. The same "taboo" also holds good as concerns feats of
+juggling and no hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second
+invitation to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by
+balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a lighted
+candle. "Cleverness" is a valuable asset but only up to a certain
+point, and I know of one unfortunately "clever" young chap who almost
+completely ruined a promising social career by the unexpected failure
+of one of his pet juggling tricks and the consequent dumping of a large
+dish of mashed potatoes on the head of a vice-president of the Equitable
+Trust Company. Besides, people almost always distrust "clever" persons.
+
+It does not "do," either, to "ride your hobby" at a dinner party, and
+the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism of
+young Freddie H----, a New York clubman of some years ago (now happily
+deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who had developed
+a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a mania, very nearly ruined
+a dinner party given by a prominent Boston society matron by attempting
+to shoot the whiskers off a certain elderly gentleman, who happened to
+be a direct descendant of John Smith and Priscilla Alden.
+
+It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical
+gifts--such as the ability to wriggle one's ears or do the "splits"--is
+in itself no "open sesame" to lasting social success. "Slow and sure"
+is a good rule for the young man to follow, and although he may somewhat
+enviously watch his more brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary
+applause by their ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt
+water through a hole in their front teeth, yet he may console himself
+with the thought that "the race is not always to the swift" and that
+"Rome was not built in a day." The gifts of this world have been
+distributed fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who
+has been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell
+difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune. Ventriloquism, by
+the way, is also passing out as a form of dinner party diversion, and it
+is no longer considered a priceless accomplishment to be able to make a
+dog bark or a baby cry under the hostess's chair.
+
+
+CONVERSATION AT DINNER
+
+Gradually, however, conversation--real conversation--is coming into its
+own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young man or lady
+who can keep the conversational "ball" rolling is coming more and more
+into demand. Good conversationalists are, I fear, born and not made--but
+by study and practise any ambitious young man can probably acquire the
+technique, and, with time, mould himself into the kind of person upon
+whom hostesses depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this
+direction I have prepared the following chart which I would advise all
+my readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at
+their next dinner party it can be readily consulted.
+
+
+STEWART'S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION
+
+This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under each
+course is given what I call an "opening sentence," together with your
+partner's probable reply and the topic which is then introduced for
+discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each such topic I have
+listed certain helpful facts which will enable you to prolong the
+conversation along those lines until the arrival of the next course,
+and the consequent opening of another field for discussion. The chart
+follows:
+
+I. Cocktails.
+
+You say to the partner on your right: "What terrible gin!" She (he)
+replies: "Perfectly ghastly." This leads to a discussion of: Some
+Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts:
+
+1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven minutes.
+
+2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869.
+
+3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces internal
+disorders.
+
+II. Oysters.
+
+You say to the partner on your right: "Think of being an oyster!"
+
+She (he) replies: "How perfectly ghastly."
+
+This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters.
+
+Helpful Facts:
+
+1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours.
+
+2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters.
+
+3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783).
+
+III. Fish.
+
+You say to the partner at your right: "Do you enjoy fish?"
+
+She (he) replies: "I simply adore fish."
+
+This leads to a discussion of: Fish--Then, and Now.
+
+Helpful Facts:
+
+1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to do
+many novel tricks.
+
+2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer.
+
+3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter.
+
+
+IV. Meat. You say to the partner at your right: "Have you ever been
+through the Stock-Yards?"
+
+She (he) replies: "No." ("Yes.")
+
+This leads to a discussion of: "The Meat Industry in America."
+
+Helpful Facts:
+
+1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer is
+killed in Chicago--and oftener.
+
+2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two years of
+age.
+
+3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds.
+
+4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago.
+
+V. Salad.
+
+You say to the partner at your right: "What is your favorite salad?"
+
+She (he) replies: "I don't know, what's yours?"
+
+This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things.
+
+
+Helpful Facts:
+
+1. Richard Barthelmess is married.
+
+2. B. V. D. stands for "Best Value Delivered."
+
+3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars.
+
+VI. Dessert.
+
+You say to the partner at your right: "I love ice cream."
+
+She (he) replies: "So do I."
+
+This leads to a discussion of: Love.
+
+Helpful Facts:
+
+1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in America.
+
+2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria.
+
+3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard.
+
+
+BALLS AND DANCES
+
+In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the
+ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or lady of
+fashion must today be possessed of the following two requisites: i.
+A "Line." 2. A closed car. The latter of these "sine qua nons" is now
+owned as a matter of course by most families and is no longer regarded
+as a mark of distinction. The former requisite, however, is not so
+common, but it is nevertheless true that any young person with ambition
+and a good memory can eventually acquire a quite effective "Line." It
+is a great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year or
+more at one of our leading eastern universities or "finishing schools."
+These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it does not pay
+to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who would insist that the
+Princeton "Line" is more effective than the Harvard ditto, or that the
+Westover "Line" flows more smoothly than that of Farmington or Spence,
+one can only say "De gustibus non disputandum est." "Lines" vary also
+in accordance with the different types of girls who happen to be using
+them, and (to misquote a rather vulgar proverb) "What is one girl's food
+may be another girl's poison." Thus it happens that the "Line" which is
+most universally and interminably employed by the "beautiful" type of
+girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words "How perfectly
+priceless") would never in the world do for the young miss whose chief
+asset is a kind heart or a love for really good books.
+
+
+{illustration caption = The above diagram (one of man), filling the
+instructive and refined pages of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, will serve as a model
+to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to achieve social
+eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence to
+the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the pace
+is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently guarantee
+complete success to those who, in reverence and faith, keep the final
+goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep the sacred flame
+burning and to pass the torch along from father to son, from mother
+to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they do not make any
+mesalliances, which is just as important in America, whatever may be
+said to the contrary, as among our "English cousins."}
+
+
+
+MIXED DANCING
+
+Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, especially
+to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have become largely a
+trick of keeping abreast of the latest "mode" and while, personally, I
+greatly regret the passing of the stately lancers and other dignified
+"round dances," yet, if "mixed dancing" has come to stay, it is the
+duty of every young person to learn to dance as well as possible in
+the generally accepted manner, even though this often involves some
+compromising of one's amour propre.
+
+But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really great
+person--the true super man or woman of the ballroom--must be possessed
+of that certain divine something, that je ne sais quoi ability to rise
+superior to all occasions, to overcome the most difficult situations,
+which has distinguished the great men and women of all ages. Joan of Arc
+had it, George Washington had it, Napoleon had it--and I venture to say
+that any of these three, had they lived today, Would have been a social
+success. But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a
+typical instance in the ballroom in which "When duty whispered low 'Thou
+must,' the youth replied 'I can.'"
+
+
+HINTS FOR STAGS
+
+Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has been
+invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country Club. It is
+your original intention, let us say, to attend as a "stag," but on the
+afternoon of the party you receive a note from a young lady of your
+acquaintance asking if you would be so kind as to accompany to the ball
+a guest of hers, a "sweet girl from South Orange" who was in her class
+at college.
+
+The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner coat
+with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself correctly,
+you should drive in your car to the young lady's home. There you are
+presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who is six feet tall and
+has protruding teeth. After the customary words of greeting and a few
+brief bits of pleasantry, you set off with your partner for the dance.
+
+Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in "full swing,"
+and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you should ask your
+partner if she would care to dance.
+
+The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you should
+politely murmur, "My fault." But when she begins to sing in your ear it
+is proper to steer her over toward the "stag line" in order to petition
+for an injunction or a temporary restraining order.
+
+The "stag line" consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and most
+hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one roof. The
+original purpose of a "stag line" was to provide a place where
+unattached young men might stand while searching for a partner, but the
+institution has now come to be a form of Supreme Court, passing life or
+death sentence upon the various debutantes who pass before it.
+
+After you have piloted your partner five times along the length of this
+line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or demerits, and, in
+this particular case, you have a pretty fair idea as to just what the
+evening holds out for you. When the music stops you should therefore
+lead the girl over to a chair and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass
+of punch.
+
+Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your steps
+toward the "stag line." There you will find several young men whom only
+as late as that afternoon you counted among your very best friends, but
+who do not, at the present, seem to remember ever having met you before.
+Seizing the arm of one of these you say, "Tom, I want you to meet----"
+That is as far as you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you
+by remarking, "Excuse me a minute, Ed--, I see a girl over there I've
+simply got to speak to. I'll come right back."
+
+He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And after you
+have met with the same response from four other so-called friends, you
+should return to the South Orange visitor and "carry on."
+
+At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to
+clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for future
+ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the slough of
+despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty and the pursuit
+of happiness. And when the music has once more ceased, you should ask
+your partner if she would not care to take a jaunt in the open air.
+
+"I know a lovely walk," you should say, "across a quaint old bridge."
+
+The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint old
+bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet deep, you
+should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and push her, not too
+roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge.
+
+And, if you are really a genius, and not merely "one of the crowd" you
+will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young lady who was
+responsible for your having met the sweet girl from South Orange, you
+will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly.
+
+"I know a lovely walk," you will say, "across a quaint old bridge."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart
+
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