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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:17:10 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:17:10 -0700 |
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diff --git a/1446-h/1446-h.htm b/1446-h/1446-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b38e40 --- /dev/null +++ b/1446-h/1446-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5306 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +body { margin-left: 20%; + margin-right: 20%; + text-align: justify; } + +h1, h2, h3, h4, h5 {text-align: center; font-style: normal; font-weight: +normal; line-height: 1.5; margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: .5em;} + +h1 {font-size: 300%; + margin-top: 0.6em; + margin-bottom: 0.6em; + letter-spacing: 0.12em; + word-spacing: 0.2em; + text-indent: 0em;} +h2 {font-size: 150%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 1em;} +h3 {font-size: 130%; margin-top: 1em;} +h4 {font-size: 120%;} +h5 {font-size: 110%;} + +hr {width: 80%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em;} + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always; margin-top: 4em;} + +p {text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: 0.25em; + margin-bottom: 0.25em; } + +.p2 {margin-top: 2em;} + +p.poem {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: 90%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +p.letter {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +p.noindent {text-indent: 0% } + +p.center {text-align: center; + text-indent: 0em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +p.right {text-align: right; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; } + +div.fig { display:block; + margin:0 auto; + text-align:center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em;} + +a:link {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:visited {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:hover {color:red} + +</style> + +</head> + +<body> + +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrator: Ralph Barton + +Release Date: September, 1998 [EBook #1446] +[Most recently updated: February 14, 2020] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Perfect Behavior</h1> + +<h2>by Donald Ogden Stewart</h2> + +<h3>Illustrated by Ralph Barton</h3> + +<h4>A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises</h4> + +<hr /> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image01.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="frontispiece" /> +</div> + +<p class="letter"> +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude +and pain us.—EMERSON +<br/> +<br/> +<br/> +A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody +Outline of History”<br/> +<br/> +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.—OLD PROVERB +<br/><br/><br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="center"> + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED<br/> + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE<br/> + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT<br/> + ARM OF HER FATHER<br/> + <i>With Deepest Sympathy</i> +</p> + +<h2>Contents</h2> + +<table summary="" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto"> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap01">CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap02">CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap03">CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap04">CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap05">CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap06">CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap07">CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap08">CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap09">CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + + + <h2> + CONTENTS + </h2> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap01">I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</a> A Few Words about +Love—Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly +Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make Them—A Well Known +Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish Bath—Cards and +Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean Tooth +Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette +of Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First +Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The +Proposal Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow +Said to the ex-Clergyman’s Niece.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap02">II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</a> The +Historic Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher +Girl’s Experience with a Traveling Salesman—The +Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting the Bridal +Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the +Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best +Man—A Demented Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s +Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The +Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of +Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church Wedding.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap03">III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</a> Hints for the Correct +Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo +Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street +Car—In the Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s +Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct +Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap04">IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</a> Listening to a Symphony +Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un +Faune” and four gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like +an old fool”—Correct Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing +One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the Opera—What a Kansas City +Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola Records.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap05">V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</a> Some Broader Aspects of +Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College +Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart +of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct +Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good +Form for Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. +Volstead.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap06">VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</a> Selecting a Proper +School—Account of an Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss +Spence—Correct Equipment for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New +York—A journey Around the City—Description of the Visit of Ed. +Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The First Days in the New +School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old +Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A +Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap07">VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</a> Golf as a +Pastime—What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An +Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear +trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish +Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating Potato Chips—Boxing in American +Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur Boxer—“He didn’t know +it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and Informal +Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving +the Guests—How to Mystify—Games.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap08">VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</a> Correspondence for +Young Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by +Mail—Letters to Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s +Advice to Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the +Divorce Laws of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A +Correct Form of Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery +Bill for Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love +Letters—Correspondence of Public Officials—-Letters to +Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.—Invitations, +Acceptances and Regrets.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap09">IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</a> Formal Dinners in +America-Table Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A +Child’s Garden of Etiquette—Etiquette in the +School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New Jersey Lady Did with Her +Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table +Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and +Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. +A Word of Warning and Encouragement +</p> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap01"></a>CHAPTER ONE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</h2> + + <h3> + A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + </h3> + <p> + Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in some + countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing of + white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the etiquette of + courtship were apparently connected in some way with the custom of “love” + between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the + modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the history of + etiquette that when “love” first began to become popular among the better + class of younger people they took to it with such avidity that it was + necessary to devise some sort of rules for the conduct of formal or + informal love-making. These rules, together with various amendments, now + constitute the etiquette of courtship. + </p> + <p> + Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe + desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young girl + of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the bond + business. One morning there comes into your financial institution a young + lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention by her + genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the president + of your company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart” to + refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are certain, as soon + as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your employer, that she is + undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + </h3> + <p> + Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction. + Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and many + errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of <i>savoir faire</i> (correct + form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not + <i>au fait</i> (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands + with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the <i>beau monde</i> (correct form) + this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy (or Miss Doe), shake + hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of the lady first, unless you + are introducing some one to the President of the United States, the + Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a baron, or a + customer. The person who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) + right ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same + time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other replies, + “I’ll say it is.” + </p> + <p> + This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to each + other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally done by + saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of course you know Miss + Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, so that it sounds like any + name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in nine + cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, “I didn’t get + the name,” at which you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several + times, saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the + name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still + persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, the + best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a club or + convenient slab of paving stone. + </p> + <p> + The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the + introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as + follows: + </p> + <p> + Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of the + better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, + preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, and go there on + some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the rope across the sidewalk + in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the ground. + Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to the young + lady’s house in several places and retire behind a convenient tree. After + some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of + her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will fail + to notice the rope which you have stretched across the sidewalk and will + fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an introduction. Stepping up to + her and touching your hat politely, you say, in a well modulated voice, “I + beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I cannot help noticing that you are lying + prone on the sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak + to you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should be + your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, Miss Doe, that + I have not had the honor of an introduction, but you will admit that you + are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is my card—and here is one for + Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you should hand her two plain engraved + calling cards, each containing your name and address. If there are any + other ladies in her family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it + is correct to leave cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, + as the name on the calling card is generally sufficient for identification + purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + </p> + <p> + When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after + which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from the + sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at this + time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it would + be well to bow and retire. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image02.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Every one knows that table manners betray one’s +bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish a +meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been restored by a +deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had +inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was +making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner.</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal +Dinners</i>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image03.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Hat? Toupee? or Book?" /> +<span class="caption"><i>When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she +has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been married, is +the man expected to accept the greeting and politely lift his hat or should he +lift both his hat and his toupee? Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively +and finally in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image04.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Park Benches and Their Uses" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come +upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know which +bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young man just out of +college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid embarrassment look this +up in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image05.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Travelling with a Player Piano" /> +<span class="caption"><i>A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party +in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, has +never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew’s harp or the +saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, attempting to +contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming evenings by bringing along his +player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have recognized his action as a +serious social blunder without having referred to</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small>?</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image06.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young mother in the picture is traveling from one +point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance as +possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not +having dipped into the chapter on travel in</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have +produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for +the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider +area</i>.</span> +</div> + + <h3> + CARDS AND FLOWERS + </h3> + + <p> + The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of your + cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling the + events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate, but simply a + reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly + desire to continue the acquaintanceship. Quotations from poetry of the + better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might be + nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the + forest primeval’—H. W. Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips + away’—W. Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines + equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection + it might be well to display a little originality at times by substituting + pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional quotations. For + example—“This is the forest primeval, I regret your last evening’s + upheaval,” shows the young lady in question that not only are you + well-read in classic poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. + Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social + intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the social + ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk on their own + hook. + </p> + <p> + Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should + receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My dear Mr. Roe: + Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I + cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance + fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of + you.” + </p> + <h3> + FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + </h3> + <p> + It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courtship. + Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is + “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.” Probably she will soon + come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have + ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted + geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of the + correct species, for in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have + different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because a + suitor sent his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever + take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender + significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in courtship + are as follows: + </p> + <p> + Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.” + </p> + <p> + Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.” + </p> + <p> + Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.” + </p> + <p> + Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway station.” + </p> + <p> + Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.” + </p> + <p> + Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has + arrived. Come on over.” + </p> + <p> + Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?” + </p> + <p> + Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the + hotel lobby Friday?” + </p> + <p> + Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!” + </p> + <p> + Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.” + </p> + <p> + Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe + Tuesday.” + </p> + <p> + Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.” + </p> + <p> + The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as, for + example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia creeper + generally signifies the following, “The reason I didn’t call for you + yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot of + engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m + sorry!” + </p> + <p> + But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss Doe + leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left + hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat + (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, “I + beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you drop this?” A great deal depends + upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives it. + If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I + hope?” Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or an + inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand, it means, + “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it is.” If, + however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it with great + force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your only correct + course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology. + </p> + <h3> + RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner + that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move + should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This + should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to + suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, “Oh—so you live + on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the + evening, but I have never called on any girl there—<i>yet</i>.” The “yet” + may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a + friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will + probably “take the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. + At once you should say, “<i>What</i> evening? How about <i>to-night</i>?” If she says + that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar out of your + pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? I really have + no engagements between now and October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show + her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably + say, “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better telephone + me first.” + </p> + <h3> + THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + </h3> + <p> + On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public telephone-booth + in order to call the young lady’s house. The etiquette of telephoning is + quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred people often make + themselves conspicuous because they do not know the correct procedure in + using this modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the + telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you remove the + receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin in the coin box. + After an interval of some minutes a young lady (referred to as “Central”) + will ask for your “Number, please.” Suppose, for example, that you wish to + get Bryant 4310. Remove your hat politely and speak that number into the + mouthpiece. “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you + reply, “NO, Central—<i>Bryant</i> 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your + pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few + minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to which you + answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says, “Who?” You say, “Miss + Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then hear the following, “Wait a + minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody works around here by the name of + Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” + Another voice then says, “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you + want?” You reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What + department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence of J. + Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He says, “Wait a + minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several. Another voice—a new + voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” + You say, “But I’m trying to get Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, + “Who?” You say, “Is this the residence of—” He says, “Naw—this + is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale Grocers—what number do you want?” You + say, “Bryant 4310.” He says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then + hang up the receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and + inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up the + receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello, dearie—don’t + you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly, “No.” She says, + “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She says, “No. This is Ethel. + Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?” She says, “Ask him to come to the + phone, will you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell + ‘Walter’ at the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to + him—no, wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you + comply with the lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you + obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with Ethel—no, + Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the booth and tell + “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few minutes “Central” says, “What + number did you call?” You say patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, + “Bryant 4310 has been changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler + 6372. Finally a woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?” You + reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She replies, “Yass.” + You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice says, “Who?” You shout, + “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” + and assuming a graceful, easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear + the telephone from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or + three hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange + for the evening’s visit. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image07.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Crude Bridegroom" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting +for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of health. +Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible taste.</i> +<small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>tells all about the correct appearance and +conduct of Bridegrooms</i>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image08.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Best Man’s Blunder" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of +Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. This +constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he could never +again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman</i>. <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image09.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Pun “De Rigueur”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his +sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has +failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words +“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? +Should one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, +which?</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>covers the whole subject of +making the “best man” pun authoritatively.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image10.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young man at the right does not know how to drink. +Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man at his +wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of doing what he should +do under the circumstances, he is making himself conspicuous by remaining +coherent while the others sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” +Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>he would have known better than to have selected +him.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + MAKING THE FIRST CALL + </h3> + <p> + The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is one of + the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one around which + clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. In this day and + generation, what with horseless carriages, electric telephones and + telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a great many of the older forms have + been allowed to die out, greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not + manners,” seems to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still + exist a few young men who care enough about “good form” to study carefully + to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come, Tom, Dick and Harry—drop + your bicycles for an afternoon and fill your minds with something besides + steam engines and pneumatic tires! + </p> + <p> + The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an extremely + important social function, and too great care can not be taken that you + prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It would be well to leave your + work an hour or two earlier in the afternoon, so that you can go home and + practice such necessary things as entering or leaving a room correctly. + Most young men are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you + rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt to find + later on to your dismay that you have made your exit through a window onto + the fire-escape instead of through the proper door. + </p> + <h3> + CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + </h3> + <p> + Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. Select + some topic in which you think your lady friend will be interested, such + as, for example, the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and “read up” on the + subject so that you can discuss it in an intelligent manner. Find out, for + example, how many people had tonsils removed in February, March, April. + Contrast this with the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or + three amusing anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar + Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and throat + troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance through four or five + volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for nothing so completely marks + the cultivated man as the ability to refer familiarly to the various + volumes of the Harvard classics. + </p> + <h3> + A PROPER CALL + </h3> + <p> + Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house where the + young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German police dog will + begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a maid will finally come to + the door. Removing your hat and one glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” + The maid replies, “Yass, ay tank so.” You give her your card and the dog + rushes out and bites you on either the right or left leg. You are then + ushered into a room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. + He is fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply, + “Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while he opens + his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then says, “Did the dog + bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw then says, “He bites + everybody,” and goes back to sleep. Reassured, you light a cigaret. A + little boy and girl then come to the door, and, after examining you + carefully for several minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run + away. You feel to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe + looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am Miss Doe’s + grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she says, and sits down + opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a hint for a cigaret and you + should not make the mistake of saying, “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you + care to try one—” It should be your aim to seek to impress yourself + favorably upon every member of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the + grandmother in conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you + feel she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of “playing + up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this particular case, for + example, it would be a mistake to say to Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you + ever tried making synthetic gin?” or “Do you think any one will <i>ever</i> lick + Dempsey?” A more experienced person, and some one who had studied the + hobbies of old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see + that Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely burial + they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you should soon win + the old lady’s favor completely, so that before long she will tell you all + about her rheumatism and what grampaw can and can’t eat. + </p> + <p> + Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been waiting + long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you reply, “No—I + just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the drawing-room?” The + answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a few minutes you find + yourself alone in the drawing-room with the lady of your choice and the + courtship proper can then begin. + </p> + <p> + The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation around to + the subject of the “modern girl.” After your preliminary remarks about + tonsils and adenoids have been thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly + say, “Well I don’t think girls—nice girls—are really that + way.” She replies, of course, “<i>What</i> way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they + are in these modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “<i>What</i> + petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. “Oh,” you + say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think that in our + generation every time a young man and woman are left alone on a lounge + together, they haven’t a thing better to do than put out the light and + ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching + over she accidentally pulls the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + </p> + <p> + On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + </p> + <h3> + THE PROPOSAL PROPER + </h3> + <p> + About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is customary for + the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has been “out” for three or + four years and has several younger sisters coming along, it is customary + for her to accept him. They then become “engaged,” and the courtship is + concluded. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap02"></a>CHAPTER TWO:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</h2> + + <h3> + THE HISTORIC ASPECT + </h3> + <p> + “Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not lightly to + be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right. + </p> + <p> + A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of social + customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now forced to + devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, grooms, ushers and + bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. Weeks are generally required in + preparation for an up-to-date wedding; months are necessary in recovering + from such an affair. Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride + and groom, never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + </p> + <p> + It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a comparatively + simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells of + England points out in his able “Outline of History”), there is no evidence + of any particular ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a + female.” Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have + been consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom + crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone ax. There + were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that (c- 10,329—30 + B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, living in what is now + supposed to be Scotland, discovered that the prolonged distillation of + common barley resulted in the creation of an amber-colored liquid which, + when taken internally, produced a curious and not unpleasant effect. + </p> + <p> + This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the + celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around the + wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’ discovery of Scotch + whiskey began, as a matter of course, the institution of the “bachelor + dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of invention,” and exactly twelve years + after the first “bachelor dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of + soda. From that time down to the present day the history of the etiquette + of weddings has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and + ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. The modern + wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an “Outline of History” + itself. + </p> + <h3> + ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + </h3> + <p> + Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor characters + at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an eligible young man + named Richard Roe, who has just become “engaged” to a young lady named + Dorothy Doe. If you really intend to “marry the girl,” it is customary + that some formal announcement of the engagement be made, for which you + must have the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not + generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will surprise + you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady whom you believe to + be your fiancée to consent to a public announcement of the fact. The + reason for this probably is that an engagement which has been “announced” + often leads to matrimony, and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts + for several years. After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is + next necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this + particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the notification can + take place in his office. First of all, however, it would be advisable to + prepare some sort of speech in advance. Aim to put him as far as possible + at his ease, lead up to the subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is + never “good form.” The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good + morning, Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last + night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here insert a + good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that <i>rich</i>? Yes, sir, + marriage is a great thing—a great institution. Every young man ought + to get married, don’t you think? You do? Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a + surprise for you, (here move toward the door). I’m going to (here open the + door) marry (step out of the room) your daughter” (close the door + quickly). + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDE-TO-BE + </h3> + <p> + Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary for the + bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young men to whom she + happens to be engaged at the time. These notes should be kindly, + sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be written to all, provided + there is no chance of their comparing notes. The following is suggested: + </p> + <p> + “Dear Bob— + </p> + <p> + Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to Richard + Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine fellow and I would + rather have you like him than any one I know. I feel that he and I shall + be very happy together, and I want you to be the first to know about it. + Your friendship will always remain one of the brightest things in my life, + Bob, but, of course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance + with you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never forget + the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you please return + those silly letters of mine. I am sending you yours.” + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image11.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Nothing so completely betrays the +“Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady +at the left has just returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the +dashing “lead,” who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her +hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, +“S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good day’s +hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of +the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you +find?”—at once discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the +young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her +house.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image12.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture" /> +<span class="caption"><i>In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that +there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of dancing or +the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that +person to her home for a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a +“bum sport” or a “rotten loser.” The above scene +illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders that people make. The +gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over +his knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This +display is not in the best taste.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image13.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. +Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is preferable, +while others claim that the Byzantine is more fashionable. One thing is +certain—it is absolutely incorrect for ladies who weigh less than 75 or +more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend +against modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one’s swimming +partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + </h3> + <p> + The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the parents + of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, only fifteen or + twenty of the most intimate friends of the engaged “couple” being invited. + It is one of the customs of engagement luncheons that all the guests shall + be tremendously surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to + aid them in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, + should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet General + Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our Daughter.” + </p> + <p> + The announcement itself which should be made soon after the guests are + seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display of originality and + should aim to afford the guest a surprise and perhaps a laugh, for + laughter of a certain quiet kind is often welcome at social functions. One + of the most favored methods of announcing an engagement is by the use of + symbolic figures embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for + example, in the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy + Doe it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist of a + diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a heart shaped + order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be mystified, but soon cries + of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and congratulations are then in order. + Great care should be taken, however, that the symbolic figures are not + misunderstood; it would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the + above instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive the + congratulations instead of the proper person. Other suggestions for + symbolistic announcements of some of the more common names are as follows: + </p> + <p> + “<i>Cohan-O’Brien</i>”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Ames-Green</i>—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at + something. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Thorne-Hoyt</i>—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from foot + with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Bullitt-Bartlett</i>—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre + bullets. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Tweed-Ellis</i>”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a + solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Gordon-Fuller</i>”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a + young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man fuller. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Hatch-Gillette</i>”—figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched a + safety razor. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Graves-Colgate</i>”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a cemetery. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Heinz-Fish</i>”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one plate. + </p> + <h3> + SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + </h3> + <p> + AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of the + prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten bridesmaids, + while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. In making these + selections it should be carefully borne in mind that no wedding party is + complete without the following: + </p> + <p class="letter"> +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales.<br/> +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.”<br/> +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.”<br/> +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley.<br/> +1 usher who doesn’t drink anything.<br/> +9 ushers who drink anything. + </p> + <p> + In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary for the + bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.” These are for the + purpose of providing her with various necessities for her wedded household + life. These affairs should be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest + friends should be invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly + for several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage (usually + 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over that amount) to + the friend who gives the party. Some of the more customary “showers” of + common household articles for the new bride are toothpaste, milk of + magnesia, screen doors, copies of Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, + pictures of “Age of Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.” + </p> + <h3> + INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + </h3> + <p> + The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between two and + three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although the out-of-town + invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to allow the recipient to + purchase and forward a suitable present. As the gifts are received, a + check mark should be placed after the name of the donor, together with a + short description of the present and an estimate as to its probable cost. + This list is to be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining + the manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has been + found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory system whereby + certain names immediately suggest certain responses, thus: + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c. + $6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, + Bob, you old peach. How about a kiss?” + </p> + <p> + The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the + ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which party the most + responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you are to + be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties? + </p> + <p> + In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a course + of training extending for over a month or more prior to the actual event. + It should be your aim to work yourself into such a condition that you can + go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours to the most impossibly + stupid of young women, and consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are + then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, + the wedding, and the wedding reception. + </p> + <h3> + DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + </h3> + <p> + Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you will + be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the bride where + you are to stay. There you are met by the bride’s father. “This is my best + man,” says the groom. “The best man?” replies her father. “Well, may the + best man win.” At once you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this + your first visit to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, + but I hope it isn’t my last.” + </p> + <p> + The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the groom. + “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always win.” “Ha! + Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” says + she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it isn’t my last.” + </p> + <p> + You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack. + In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the + brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, “Is this + your first visit to Chicago?” “What are you doing?” is his answer. + “Unpacking,” you reply. “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. + “What’s that?” says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” + “What’s that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. + “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” “No,” says + he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of relief, “is a razor. + Here—take it and play with it.” In three minutes, if you have any + luck at all, the bride’s brother will have cut himself severely in several + places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can then + finish unpacking. + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDE’S TEA + </h3> + <p> + The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea at + the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become + “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the + ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave on + this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, “For God’s sake, remember + to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed to drinking + in any form.” This is an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + </p> + <p> + As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a + chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—<i>parlez vous!</i>” Those + are your ushers. + </p> + <p> + Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, “Fellows, we + have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” At this, ten + young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, “Yeaaa—the best man—give + the best man a drink!” From then on, at twelve minute intervals, it is + your duty to say, “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s + go.” Each time you will be handed another drink, which you may take with + either your right or left hand. + </p> + <p> + After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will say, + “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which you reply, “We are + just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget to tell them what I told + you about her father and mother.” + </p> + <p> + You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, “Fellows, + I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message which is of deep + importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father and mother object + to the use of alcohol in any form.” + </p> + <p> + This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all then + take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and leave the + room singing, “Her father and mother object to drink—<i>parlez vous</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair to which + only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and the ushers + arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the bridesmaids + waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow to the bride’s + father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so + betrays the social “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for + tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready + some good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m afraid + I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, this filling + dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put back in.” If the host and + hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would be well to show them the + recalcitrant filling in question, although if they are “well-bred” they + will probably in most cases take you at your word. + </p> + <h3> + THE MAID OF HONOR + </h3> + <p> + You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the maid + of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride’s older + sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the wedding + festivities, she will say, “The best man? Well, they say that the best man + wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This puts her in class G 6 without further + examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life throughout the + next two days lies in the frequent and periodic administration of + stimulants. + </p> + <h3> + THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + </h3> + <p> + That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is known + as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men friends as he passes + out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out generally occurs + toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony participated in by + most of those present. + </p> + <p> + It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following + day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how you + got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or pleated + bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In + one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there + will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in + evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the trousers + of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, “What happened?” to + which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait several minutes. In the next room + you hear the sound of a shower bath and some one whistling. The bath + stops; the whistling continues. The door then opens and there enters one + of the ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day after + the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look all in.” You do + not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You make no response. He + then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you remember,” he says, “what you + said to the bride’s mother when I brought you home last night.” You sit + quickly up in bed. “What did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you + tight?” he replies, still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? + And don’t you remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the + banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits, + chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance companies show + that that type of man generally dies a violent death before the age of + thirty. + </p> + <h3> + THE REHEARSAL + </h3> + <p> + The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on the + afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of course, are an + hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an opportunity to meet the + minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long chat about religion, while the best + man (Atheist) talks to the eighty-three year old sexton who buried the + bride’s grandpa and grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty + years next Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the + sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused as a + matter of courtesy. + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDAL DINNER + </h3> + <p> + In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, to which + all the relatives and close friends of the family are invited. Toasts are + drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia Dare wine, and much + good-natured fun is indulged in by all. Speeches are usually made by the + bride and groom, their parents, the best man, the maid of honor, the + minister and Aunt Harriet. + </p> + <p> + Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + </p> + <h3> + A CHURCH WEDDING + </h3> + <p> + On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church an + hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should be + dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the + groom. + </p> + <p> + It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding. As + you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale, wan, + emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is the happy + bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. “What time is it?” he says. + You reply, “Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my + God!” says the groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom. + “Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!” says the + groom. + </p> + <p> + He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better have a + little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he replies. “Five of + three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom. + </p> + <p> + At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at + three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little + side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few brief + hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o’clock. Occasionally + he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. + His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the + ring?” he whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great, + too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. + “Have you got the ring?” he says. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the + invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will always + have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation to make the + guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their seats. “It’s a + nice day, isn’t it?” is suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too + unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it + a nice day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too + forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also remember + that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a floor-walker nor a bond + salesman, and remarks such as “Something in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third + aisle over—second pew—next the ribbon goods,” are decidedly + <i>non au fait</i>. + </p> + <p> + The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved + for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established custom + that the ushers shall seat in these “family pews” at least three people + with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight error + always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the + family cook. + </p> + <p> + With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to + start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s or Wagner’s. About + this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third + candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which causes + a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist improvises + one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the + march. + </p> + <p> + Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by + the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three + or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time or + rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little humor + to the performance. + </p> + <p> + After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, there come + the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father’s arm + (unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and + awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four + hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly to + one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation which + is the signal for the bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that + funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?” + </p> + <p> + Then follows the religious ceremony. + </p> + <p> + Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride’s + home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two invited + guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the reception it is + customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off in separate corners + and die. + </p> + <p> + The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the disappearance + of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of the + most valuable presents. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image14.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The man of culture and refinement, while always +considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, +loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the +picture may be touchingly fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably +bad form for him to make an exhibition of his affection while going over the +brush in plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is +making a “guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if +those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile +knowingly.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image15.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Romans had a proverb, “Litera scripta +manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The subtle +wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later +Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never +heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social correspondence in +mind he would have avoided the painful experience of hearing his obsolete +emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary +nowadays for unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express +their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the +sensible, though plebeian, telephone.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap03"></a>CHAPTER THREE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</h2> + + <p> + The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has + undergone several important changes with the advent of “democracy” and the + “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was indulged in only by the better + classes of society and the rules of travellers’ etiquette were well + defined and acknowledged by all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought + the “mountain to Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, + I believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and manners + for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel correctly. Truly, the + “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps, only proper that one should keep + (if you will pardon the use of the word), “abreast” of the times. + </p> + <h3> + HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of established + social position in one of the many cities of our great middle west, and it + is your desire to travel from your home to New York City for the purpose + of viewing the many attractions of that metropolis of which I need perhaps + only mention the Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are + many ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”; it + should be your first duty to select one of these methods of + transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected because + of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly true that if one + attempted to journey afoot from the middle west one would probably be + quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey. The etiquette of walking, + however, is the same for short as for long distances, and I shall at this + point give a few of the many rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young lady, + either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the sidewalk. A young + “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters is more apt to lose than to + make friends among the socially “worth while.” + </p> + <p> + Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking after + dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + </p> + <p> + It is not <i>au fait</i> for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress to “catch + on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time and energy saved are + doubtfully repaid should one happen to be driven thus past other members + of one’s particular social “set.” + </p> + <p> + Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to gentlemen + unless they have been previously introduced or are out of work with winter + coming on. + </p> + <p> + A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young woman whom he + has not met socially, removes his hat politely, bows and passes on, unless + she looks awfully good. + </p> + <p> + Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; in the + Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of aristocratic court + life, this custom is reversed. + </p> + <p> + A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping + accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, removes his + hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + </p> + <p> + It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push older ladies + in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or street cars. + </p> + <p> + A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange lady, should + lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an introduction can be arranged; + the person driving the car usually speaks first. + </p> + <p> + An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab driven by + someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell don’t you look where + you’re going?” to which the taxi driver, removing his hat, replies “Why + the hell don’t <i>you?</i>” + </p> + <p> + A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets of a city, + either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), socks (2), + undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, coat and hat. For + pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume is practically the same with + the exception of the socks, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and + coat. However, many women now affect “knickerbockers” and <i>vice versa</i>. + </p> + <p> + A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not talk or + laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g. climbing trees, etc.), + while good exercise and undoubtedly fashionable in certain “speedy” + circles, are of questionable taste for ladies, especially if indulged in + to excess or while walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is + sport, and no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I, + but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort hanging by + their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third cross arm of an + electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying things a bit too far, in my + opinion, even in this age of “golf” and lawn “tennis.” + </p> + <p> + A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball or the + opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are both in evening + dress and have a long distance to go. It is never incorrect to suggest the + use of a street car, or as one gets near the Opera House, a carriage or a + “taxicab.” + </p> + <p> + A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, always + gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his wife or his + sister. + </p> + <p> + So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give here all + the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say that the safest + principle for correct behavior in this, as in many social matters, is the + now famous reply Thomas Edison once made to the stranger who asked him + with what he mixed his paints in order to get such marvellous effects. + “One part inspiration,” replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts + perspiration.” In other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of + “genius” as of steady application to small details. + </p> + <h3> + TRAVELLING BY RAIL + </h3> + <p> + In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The etiquette of + railroad behavior is extremely complicated, especially if one is forced to + spend the night <i>en route</i> (on the way) and many and ludicrous are the + mistakes made by those whose social training has apparently fitted them + more for a freight car than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach. + </p> + <h3> + GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + </h3> + <p> + Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms of rail + transportation, such as, for example, the electric street or “tram” car + now to be seen on the main highways and byways of all our larger cities. + The rules governing behavior on these vehicles often appear at first quite + complicated, but when one has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the + Navy, one should have no difficulty. + </p> + <p> + An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to take a + street car, should always stand directly under a large sign marked “Street + Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car approaches she should run + quickly out to the car tracks and signal violently to the motorman with + the umbrella. As the car whizzes past without stopping she should cease + signalling, remark “Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. + After this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she + should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, across + the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of the next “tram” + will see her lying there and will be gentleman enough to stop his car. + </p> + <p> + When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the street + and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the motorman opens it + for her. She should then enter with the remark, “I signalled to three cars + and not one of them stopped,” to which the motorman will reply, “But, + lady, that sign there says they don’t stop on this corner.” The lady + should then say “What’s your number—I’m going to report you.” + </p> + <p> + After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite end of + the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant seats; instead + of taking one of these she should stand up in front of some young man and + glare at him until he gets up and gives her his place. + </p> + <p> + It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank gentlemen who + provide them with seats. + </p> + <p> + After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and ask “Does + this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” She should then turn + to the man on her left and ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He + will answer “No.” Her next question—“Does this car go to Madison + Heights?”—should be addressed to a man across the aisle, and the + answer will be “No.” She should then listen attentively while the + conductor calls out the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” + she should ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will + reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout “Blawmnoo!” at + which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?” Once more the answer + will be in the negative. The car will proceed, the conductor will now call + “Blawmnoo!” and as the elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison + Heights?” the man at her left, the man at her right, the man across the + aisle and eight other male passengers will shout “YES!” + </p> + <p> + It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully waiting + until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she should cry “Wait + a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The car will then be + stopped and she should say “Is this Madison Heights?” to which the + conductor will reply “This ain’t the Madison Heights car, lady.” She + should then say “But you called out Madison Heights,” to which he will + answer “No, lady—that’s eight miles in the opposite direction.” She + should then leave the street car, not forgetting, however, to take the + conductor’s number again. + </p> + <p> + The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only to elderly + ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be in many cases quite + different. A young married woman, for example, on entering a street car, + should always have her ticket or small “change” so securely buried in the + fourth inside pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it + inside of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding + together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until the + conductor has gone stark raving mad. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image16.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial +and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible chuckles +follow her about the room.</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have +taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud—even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other +method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves +in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights when, at the end +of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will +carry her into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image17.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette" /> +<span class="caption"><i>They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of +several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. +Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess’s kindness +but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The Book +of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have pointed out to them that +the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite +the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend an +Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + IN THE SUBWAY + </h3> + <p> + The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway” systems + of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) are, however, much + more simple and elemental than the etiquette for surface cars. In the + subway, for example, if you are a married man and living with your wife, + or head of a family, i. e., a person who actually supports one or more + persons living in (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the + preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons shall not on + or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday then on the day + nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) have filed a separate + report as provided in paragraph (g), you should precede a lady when + entering, and follow a lady when leaving, the train. + </p> + <h3> + A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + </h3> + <p> + On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway brings up + certain problems of etiquette which are entirely different from the above. + Let us suppose, for example, that the wedding takes place at high noon in + exclusive old “Trinity” church, New York. The nearest subway is of course + the “Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the + lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a Lenox Ave. + Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should change at once to a + Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz them past 18th St., 23rd St. + and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania Station where they can again transfer, + this time to a Broadway Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they + will be at Times Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of + pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either change to a + Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to historic Columbia + University and Harlem, or they can take the busy little “shuttle” which + will hurry them over to the Grand Central Station. There they can board + the aristocratic East Side Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip + “up town” (Lexington Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class + residential districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps + more interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., Brooklyn + Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial center) etc., not to + mention a delightful passage under the East River to Brooklyn, the city of + homes and churches. Thus without getting out of their seats the happy pair + can be transported from one fascinating end of the great city to the other + and when they have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the + Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a few cents + apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will gladly carry them + to a thousand new and interesting places—a veritable Aladdin’s lamp + on rails. + </p> + <h3> + TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + </h3> + <p> + And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad + journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New York you + have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your departure you should + carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking care to strap and lock it + securely. You can then immediately unstrap and unlock it in order to put + in the tooth paste and shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the + bathroom. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the train to + depart you will find that because of “daylight saving time” you have + exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be amusingly and + economically spent in the station as follows: 11 weighing machines @.01 + =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 weighing machine (out of order).09; + 17 slot machines (chocolate and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, + unless, of course, you eat the chocolate. + </p> + <p> + Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that you + have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and + entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and two + small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of + oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy + balloon, half a “cookie” and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then + say to you “Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you + answer “Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and + I wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be + only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done. + </p> + <p> + After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady’s little + boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he has repeated this + eleven times his mother will say to you “I wonder if you would mind + holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?” + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to + master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct + under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for beginners and one which is + difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left and + right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time + clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left and + praying to God that the damn thing won’t drop. + </p> + <p> + In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the + aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin to + cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have had + children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all that is + necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason. First of + all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask + the porter to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go + over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out and + explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you like some nice + assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says the baby. “No hors + d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue points, perhaps—you + know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out a blue point or two, as in + charades, so that the child will understand what you mean. In case, + however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten the first three + or four courses, you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for + probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a + pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the discovery + and removal of the irritant. The most generally accepted modern way of + effecting this consists in passing a large electro-magnet over every + portion of the child’s anatomy and the pin (if pin there be) will of + course at once come to light. Then, too, many small children cry merely + because they have swallowed something which does not agree with them, such + as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case + consists in <i>immediately</i> feeding the child the proper counter irritant. + There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising of + children and with a few common sense principles, such as presented above, + any mother may relieve herself of a great deal of useless anxiety. I hope + I may be pardoned for a digression here, but I feel very strongly that + “today’s babies are tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought + up in the proper way. + </p> + <p> + But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer will + have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as to the + cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few minutes later, however, little + Elmer will say “Mama, I want the window open.” This request will be duly + referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty to assume + a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, + and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle + to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty seconds you + will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the train will at once + enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal smoke. In the resulting + darkness and confusion you should seize little Elmer, throw him quickly + out of the open window and make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking + compartment in the rear of your car. + </p> + <p> + In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will be saying + “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a thousand + dollars a week since January.” The second will say “Well down where I come + from there’s men who never took a drink before prohibition who get drunk + all the time now.” The third will say “Well, I tell you, men—the + saloon had to go.” + </p> + <p> + Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of the + equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you should leave your + companions in the “smoker” and walk through the train until you reach the + “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at a table with three other + gentlemen, the first of whom will be remarking, as you sit down, “and I + know for a fact that this bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars + a year.” + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + </h3> + <p> + Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well travel over + night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible for the traveller to + go to bed en route and be every bit as snug and comfortable as the + proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after dinner the porter will “make up” + the berths in the car and when you desire to retire for the night you + should ask him to bring you the ladder in order that you may ascend to + upper 9. While you are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove + your coat, vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase + which you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach under + berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position the train will + give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth number 12. A woman’s + voice will then say “Alice?” to which you should of course answer “No” and + climb quickly up the ladder into your proper berth. + </p> + <p> + A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved in + undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite uncalled for. + Experienced travellers now generally wait until the lights of the car have + been dimmed or extinguished when the disrobing can be done quite simply in + five counts, as follows: <i>One</i>—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on + the back. The respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. + The muscles should be relaxed; <i>Two</i>—pivoting on the back of the head + and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of the legs + and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; <i>Three</i>—spring + suddenly upward and to the right (or left), catching the bell cord (which + extends along the roof of the train) with the teeth, hands and feet; <i>Four</i>—holding + firmly to the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the + head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and undershirt + have dropped off into the aisle; <i>Five</i>—taking a firm hold on the cord + with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. The trousers, etc., should + at once slide off, and you can (and, in fact, should) then swing yourself + quickly back into your berth and pajamas. + </p> + <p> + Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and + when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the————engineer + will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel + sleeping cars. + </p> + <p> + In the morning you will be in New York. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap04"></a>CHAPTER FOUR:<br/>AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</h2> + + <p> + In order to listen to music intelligently—or what is really much + more important—in order to give the appearance of listening to music + intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two + fundamental facts. + </p> + <p> + The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in Russian + is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a daughter at + Vassar. + </p> + <p> + Not very difficult, surely—but it is remarkable how much enjoyment + one can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a + little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort + even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the + celeste is only used in connection with <i>Aïda</i>, or that a minor triad is + perhaps a young wood nymph. + </p> + <p> + One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be + expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of + this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction + which comes with finding one’s opinions shared by the music critics in the + daily press. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image18.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young lady in the picture has just laid out a +perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman +playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, +and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman +squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the gentleman making +in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we assume that she called +“Fore!” when the ball had attained to within three feet of the +gentleman?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image19.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="An Inexperienced “Gun”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the scene +depicted above, “Cherchez la femme.” It is, however, nothing so +serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced “gun” at a shooting-party, who has begun following +his bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that +he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his coat-of-arms can +never again be looked upon as anything but bogus.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + </h3> + <p> + The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to express the + wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven’s Fifth. If your companion + then says “Fifth what?” you are safe with him for the rest of the evening; + no metal can touch you. If, however, he says “So do I”—this is a + danger signal and he may require careful handling. + </p> + <p> + The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite good + looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is “Oh dear—not a + very interesting program, to-night. But George—<i>look</i> at what they are + playing next Thursday! My, I wish—.” If George shies at this, it can + be tried again later—say during an “appassionato” passage for the + violins and cellos. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be directed toward + discovering someone who is making a noise—whispering or coughing; + having once located such a creature, you should immediately “sh-sh” him. + Should he continue the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next + “sh-sh,” a lorgnette—if available—adding great effectiveness + to the rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and serve + to establish your position socially, as well as musically—for + perfect “sh-shers” do not come from the lower classes. + </p> + <p> + At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is “hmmm,” + accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one of + a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I suppose Mendelssohn appeals + to a great many people,” or “That was meaningless enough to have been + written by a Russian.” This latter is to be preferred, for it leads your + companion to say, “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the + second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then reply, + “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky <i>did</i> write some rather good music—although + it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t fail to stress the “v.” + </p> + <p> + The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say, a + coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t really care + for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that symphonic + Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics. + This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you + prefer. + </p> + <p> + Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course. + </p> + <p> + Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist? + </p> + <p> + Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe + —SHOOT! <i>“Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”</i> + </p> + <p> + Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow at + the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My own + particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low sigh: + “After all—Beethoven IS Beethoven.” + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + </h3> + <p> + The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with + the possible addition of certain phrases such as “Yes—of course, she + has technique—but, my dear, so has an electric piano.” This remark + gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art + and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced + with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may + be introduced effectively several times. + </p> + <p> + The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that at a + symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a + splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music is + really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of + smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this <i>faux pas</i> is committed, + unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the <i>real</i> conclusion. + This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the + chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid + anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain altogether + from any expression of approval—a procedure which is heartily + recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the practise among + the majority of the critics. + </p> + <h3> + IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + </h3> + <p> + The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the same + way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs from “Rest!” When + one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a battalion + in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera, of course, + corresponds to that command. + </p> + <p> + Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for the + opera goer to pay some attention to the performance—at least while + certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to the enjoyment of + opera has now fortunately been overcome and one can devote one’s entire + attention to other more important things, safe in one’s knowledge that one + has Galli-Curci at home on the Vic. + </p> + <p> + In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of study and + preparation is required in advance; I have not space at this time to cover + these preliminaries thoroughly, but would recommend to the earnest student + such supplemental information as can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or + Messrs. Tiffany, Técla and Pinaud. + </p> + <p> + Upon entering one’s box the true opera lover at once assumes a musical + attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, before a mirror + until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders and back can be seen from + any part of the house. Then, with the aid of a pair of strong opera + glasses, she may proceed to scrutinize carefully the occupants of the + boxes—noting carefully any irregular features. Technical + phraseology, useful in this connection, includes “unearthly creature,” + “stray leopard” or, simply, “that person.” + </p> + <p> + Your two magical formulas—the Russian “w” and the sad story about + Rachmaninoff’s daughter—may, of course, be held in reserve—but + the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during an evening + at the opera there will probably be no mention of music. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap05"></a>CHAPTER FIVE:<br/>ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</h2> + + <h3> + SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + </h3> + <p> + In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the + success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of + the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it is + now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex-saloons anything in the + least resembling whiskey or gin,—there still remains the distressing + suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of + our more socially prominent people, liquor—or its equivalent—is + openly being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several + occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts have met, + for the most part, with scant success. + </p> + <p> + The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is too + little versed in the customs and manners of polite society. It is + lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully planned society dry raid + been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was wearing + white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his dessert + spoon on the hors d’œuvres. + </p> + <p> + The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual procuring + of a better class of dry agent. There are signs (though, unfortunately, in + the wrong direction) that some of our younger college generation are + already casting envious eyes toward the rich rewards, the social + opportunities and the exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + </p> + <p> + It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters in the no + less exciting occupation of National Prohibition Enforcement Officer. At + present the chief difficulty seems to lie in the fact that, in our + preparatory schools and colleges, a young man acquires a certain code of + honor which causes him to look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting + and sneaking. + </p> + <p> + People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a + universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, I hope, + only a matter of years before this distrust of the “sneak” will have died + out, and the Dry Agent will come to be regarded with the reverence and + respect due to one who devotes his life to the altruistic investigation of + his neighbor’s affairs. + </p> + <h3> + THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + </h3> + <p> + Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry Agents by + thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary rewards. This + difficulty is only an imaginary one—for, luckily, as soon as a man’s + code of honor has been elevated to the extent that it permits him to take + up a career of pussy-footing there is generally eliminated at the same + time any objection he might have to what is often called bribery. Thus, by + a fortunate combination of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve + mankind and, at the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + </p> + <p> + But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard pussyfooting + as a career. We must do what we can with the material at our disposal. We + must in some way educate our present Dry Agents so that they can go to any + function in polite society and remain as inconspicuous and as completely + disregarded as the host. As a first step in such a social training I offer + the following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function will + be complete without the presence of four or five correctly dressed + National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and eager to arrest the + host and hostess and all the guests on the slightest provocation. + </p> + <h3> + PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that your name + is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief are sitting around + the Dry Agent’s Club and he says to you, “Izzy—I see by the paper + that there’s a swell society masquerade ball to be given by the younger + married set tomorrow night at the Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad + to cover it.” At this point you doubtless say, “Chief, I’m afraid I can’t + use my squad. My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, + and tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses’ dressing rooms at + the Hippodrome” and then the Chief says, “Well, Izzy, you’ll have to rent + a costume and pull off the raid all by yourself.” + </p> + <h3> + A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + </h3> + <p> + Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you have a high + voice (although really there is no reason for supposing that all Dry + Agents have high voices), you might well attend the masquerade disguised + as a lady. One of the neatest and, on the whole, most satisfactory of + ladies’ disguises is that of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once + Queen of Egypt and the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, + however, that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an + ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the illustrated + foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and carries a tightly + rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the masquerade as an + allegorical figure—say “2000 Years of Progress”—you might wear + the Cleopatra costume and carry the umbrella. Or you might go attired as + some other less prominent member of the nobility—for instance, Lady + Dartmouth, whose delightful costume is more or less featured in the + advertising on our better class subways and street cars, and can be + obtained at a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + </p> + <p> + Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a male + costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly conceal your + real identity. You might, for example, attend the ball as Jurgen—a + costume which would assure you a pleasurable evening and many pleasing + acquaintances. You might, with equal satisfaction, go as an Indian. + </p> + <p> + It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the party + dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly lost in the + uproar of laughter which would greet your announcement of your disguise; + many men would probably so far enter into the spirit of the joke as to + offer you drinks from their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be + obtained in this way. And the costume is quite easy—simply wear a + pleated soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends + of your black tie under your collar. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image20.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Packets of Old Letters Make Acceptable Wedding Gifts" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, +pressed flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable +wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be presented to the Bride or +to the Groom</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>has, we feel, settled the +question of future happiness in many a new-made home.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image21.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Methods of Using Table Hardware" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending the +Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte ’69. Can you +select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in getting at its +contents? The correct methods of choosing and using table hardware are +explained in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:70%;"> +<img src="images/image22.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="It Is Sometimes Best to Be Frank" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young couple in the picture are trying to word a +plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a house-party. Had +they consulted their</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>they would have +known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to write the +attached model letter.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + </h3> + <p> + After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a breath. The + former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your identity; the latter + is essential at any party where you wish to remain inconspicuous. A good + whisky breath can usually be obtained from a bottle of any of the better + known brands of Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the + liquor in the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, + necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would suggest + that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at present being + manufactured for domestic consumption several brands which, if held in the + mouth for a longer interval than, say, three seconds, are apt to eat away + the tongue or dissolve several of your more important teeth. + </p> + <p> + On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry Agent + costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good breath—you + jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country Club. And, as you + enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, probably, as Martha + Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is not because she thinks you + are George Washington; it is because she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail + at dinner. + </p> + <p> + And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed their + ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them are wofully + ignorant of the correct way to handle such a situation. Your average Dry + Agent, not being accustomed to the ways of Younger Marrieds, is often + confused upon being unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his + unfortunate lack of social training. + </p> + <p> + The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental + rule of all social etiquette—common sense. Return the lady’s kiss in + an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she follows you, lead her at once + to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head with + a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that this is + the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really + only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from embarrassing you + with her attentions during the rest of the evening. + </p> + <p> + After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room where you + will find the dance in full swing—full being of course used in its + common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the stag line and don’t, + under any circumstances, allow anyone to induce you to cut in on any of + the dancers. In the first place, you won’t be able to dance because Dry + Agents, like Englishmen, never can; secondly, if you <i>try</i> to dance, you are + taking the enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who + introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the evening, + leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around your neck. And, of + all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps farthest South—especially + if she happens to be a little tight and wants to talk about her husband + and children. + </p> + <p> + Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete non-partisanship. If you + do not dance, do not let yourself be drawn into conversation, and do not, + above all things, show any consideration for the host or hostess. By + closely observing the actions of the men and women about you, by wandering + down into the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the + club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of the + presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you have raided the + Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your attention to the 12,635,439 + other clubs and private houses where the same thing is going on. And, if + Mr. Volstead has a dress suit, you might take him with you, and show him + just how beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the + better classes of American society are about it. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap06"></a>CHAPTER SIX:<br/>A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</h2> + + <p> + Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East to the + various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. For the benefit + of those who are making this trip for the first time, we outline a few of + the more important points in connection with the preliminaries to the trip + East, together with minute instructions as to the journey itself. + </p> + <h3> + SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + This is, of course, mainly a parent’s problem and is best solved by + resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two young girls’ + finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones (X), from the West, + sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from the same city, sends her + daughter to B. Upon consulting the local social register, it is found that + Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, + and Valley Hunt Clubs; upon consulting the telephone directory it is found + that the Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an + undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette to A or + to B, and why? + </p> + <p> + Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not its + goal. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + </h3> + <p> + Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is a + suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United States are + often surprised to discover that the clothes which they have purchased at + the best store in their home town are totally unsuited for the rough + climate of the East. I would, therefore, recommend the following list, + subject, of course, to variation in individual cases. + </p> +<p class="letter"> + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing.<br/> + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting.<br/> + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or<br/> + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white.<br/> + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink.<br/> + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or<br/> + 1 bottle, perfume, French.<br/> + 12 Dozen Dorine, men’s pocket size.<br/> + 6 Soles, cami, assorted.<br/> + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit.<br/> + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties.<br/> + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation.<br/> + 24 waves, temporary.<br/> + 10,000 nets, hair.<br/> + 100,000 pins, hair.<br/> + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. +</p> + <h3> + EN ROUTE + </h3> + <p> + After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to say + goodbye to one’s local friends. Partings are always somewhat sad, but it + will be found that much simple pleasure may be derived from the last + nights with the various boys to whom one is engaged. + </p> + <p> + In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any rash + statements regarding undying friendship and affection, because, when you + next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, you will have been three + months in the East, while they have been at the State University, and + really, after one starts dancing with Yale men—well, it’s a funny + world. + </p> + <p> + In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the surest way + to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to buy a copy of the + <i>Atlantic Monthly</i> and carry it, in plain view. Next to a hare lip, this is + the safest protection for a travelling young girl that I know of; it has, + however, the one objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely + to tell you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their + rheumatism. + </p> + <p> + If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will probably sit + beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the waiter “George.” Along + about the second course he will say to you, “It’s warm for September, + isn’t it?” to which you should answer “No.” That will dispose of the Elk. + </p> + <p> + Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, going to + visit their boy Elmer’s wife’s folks in Schenectady. When the fish is + served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. Let him choke, but do not + be too hopeful, as the chances are that he will dislodge the bone. All + will go well until the dessert, when his wife will begin telling how + raspberry sherbet always disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry + sherbet. + </p> + <p> + After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter will + probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will also be found + that the light in your berth does not work, so you will be awake for a + long time; finally, just as you are leaving Buffalo, you will at last get + to sleep, and when you open your eyes again, you will be—in Buffalo. + </p> + <p> + There will be two more awakenings that night—once at Batavia, where + a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow the lucky bride + and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, where the Pullman car + shock-absorbing tests are held. The next morning, tired but unhappy, you + will reach New York. + </p> + <h3> + A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + </h3> + <p> + <i>The Aquarium</i>. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to 42nd + Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block south to the + Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found underneath the hanging + clock, near the telephone booths. + </p> + <p> + <i>Grant’s Tomb</i>. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at + Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the end of the + line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same way you came, + followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light supper and early to bed. If + you do not feel better in the morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and + uncooked foods for a while. + </p> + <p> + <i>Metropolitan Museum of Art</i>. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) Then ask + the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Bronx</i>. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of vermouth, + with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Ritz</i>. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty dollars + the filet of sole Marguéry is very good. + </p> + <p> + <i>Brooklyn Bridge</i>. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + </p> + <p> + When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time to take + the train to your school. + </p> + <h3> + THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, and we can + not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do anything rash under the + influence of homesickness. It is in this initial period that many girls, + feeling utterly alone and friendless, write those letters to boys back + home which are later so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during + this first attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their + loneliness, recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only + to find out later that their new acquaintance’s mother was a Miss + Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south side of + Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + </p> + <h3> + BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + </h3> + <p> + In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your room you + will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that this will be your + room mate for the year. You will find that you have drawn a blank, that + she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her paw made his money in oil, and that + she is religious. You will be nice to her for the first week, because you + aren’t taking any chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest + of the year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + </p> + <p> + Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are back for + their second year. One of them will remind you of the angel painted on the + ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, until she starts telling about + her summer at Narragansett; from the other you will learn how to inhale. + </p> + <h3> + A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + </h3> + <p> + About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, that + freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like to come up + and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you can have your cousin + visit you. She sniffs at the “cousin” and tell’s you that she must have a + letter from Charley’s father, one from Charley’s minister, one from the + governor of your state, and one from some disinterested party certifying + that Charley has never been in the penitentiary, has never committed + arson, and is a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, + Miss French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next + Saturday from four till five. + </p> + <p> + Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. While he is + sitting there alone, the entire school will walk slowly, one by one, past + the open door and look in at him. This will cause Charley to perspire + freely and to wish to God he had worn his dark suit. + </p> + <p> + It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New Haven during + your first year, which is quite a pity, as this city, founded in 1638, is + rich in historical interest. It was here, for example, in 1893, that Yale + defeated Harvard at football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that + day is still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen in + and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring to the + younger generation a knowledge and respect for things gone. In the month + of June, for example, there is really nothing which quite conjures up for + the college youth of today a sense of the mutability and impermanence of + this mortal life so much as the sight of a member of the class of 1875 + after three days’ intensive drinking. <i>Eheu fugaces!</i> + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image23.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="“Who Shall Write First?”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>“Who shall write first?” is a question that has + perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct thing + under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief note or + a “P. P. C.” (“pour prendre congé,” i.e., “to take leave”) card to a + gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her husband and if she + has left town with his business partner. Neither the note nor the card + requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband takes pleasure in penning + his congratulations to the lady, concluding with an expression of + gratitude to his friend.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap07"></a>CHAPTER SEVEN:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</h2> + + <h3> + GOLF AS A PASTIME + </h3> + <p> + “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming increasingly + popular in the United States, and almost every city now has at least one + private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish pastime. Indeed, in + many of our larger metropolises, the popular enthusiasm has reached such + heights that free “public” courses have been provided for the citizens + with, I may say, somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I + myself have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in + ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and <i>suspenders</i>. + </p> + <p> + The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what was once + an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and I am sure + that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their graves were + they to “play around” today on one of the “public” courses. In no pastime + are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is + essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an + afternoon on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the + various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable game. + </p> + <p> + A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should always + take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely difficult, + but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can be overcome. On + the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having swung and missed + the ball completely one or two times, has managed to drive a distance of + some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care + to miss the ball completely <i>three</i> times, and then drive forty-eight yards + to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the eyes tightly + and rising up sharply on both toes just before hitting the ball. + </p> + <p> + On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his employer + every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the employer + insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and misses, the young man + should take care to miss his own “putt.” After both have “holed out,” the + young man should ask, “how many strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, + “Let me see—I think I took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A + well-bred young man will not under any circumstances remind his employer + that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes + for his second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the + “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once reply, “No, + sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The employer will then say, + “Well, well, call it six. I generally get five on this hole. What did you + take?” The young man should then laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my + customary seven.” To which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too + bad!” + </p> + <p> + After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to + offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps the + most trying part of the afternoon’s sport, but a young man of correct + breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an older man, + and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake + shut up before he gets a brassie in his———— ear. + </p> + <p> + A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to make + the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when + possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If at first you don’t + succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid him with her advice when she + thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore tree on + number eleven, she should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a + little bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number + fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, she should + remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.” And when, on the + eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story window of the + club-house, she should say, “Dear, I wonder if you didn’t hit that too + hard?” Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on + which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right + sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her with a + niblick after this last remark. + </p> + <p> + A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be of + great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night, while + he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a four on + number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. + Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due one’s + fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the fathers are + visited upon the children, and one should always remember that it is not, + after all, the poor caddy’s fault that he was born blind. + </p> + <h3> + AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + </h3> + <p> + “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men’s + coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, balls, + recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that “craps” is a + sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically + taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which + started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all + the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the + host’s efforts to make expenses for the evening. + </p> + <p> + It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most of the + more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for example, you + are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with your grandmother, the + correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a + public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say “Shoot a + nickel, Grandmother?” If she wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” + and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, + if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added mark + of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon which to rest her + knees. + </p> + <p> + You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother will look + at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a three + and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You + should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while + your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four and a two—dicety + dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!” You should then + again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your + grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the boy sevens—come + on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old lady—Phoebe for + grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of shoes—shoot a dime!” + </p> + <p> + She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old lady + evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are + “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would be a customary act + of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your + grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several more + chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be recommended that + young men never make a mistake in going a little out of their way on + occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + </h3> + <p> + There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society” when they + grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, balls and dinners, and + for such I would not hesitate to recommend a “picnic.” + </p> + <p> + A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is indeed a + splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake of + thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it” for a day, he (or she) + can therefore leave behind his (or her) “manners,” for such is not the + case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who + disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” + in this case is decidedly “on the other foot.” + </p> + <p> + A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany her + on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should, after some + consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the former, he should + present himself at the young lady’s house promptly on the day set for the + affair (usually Sunday). + </p> + <p> + A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a + daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you), + two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence. + </p> + <p> + The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the + mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch + baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is a + distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are + conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour and + forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + </p> + <p> + “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal. + Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has begun. + The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you in + walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs. + </p> + <p> + It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the rear + seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you remark, as the car + speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,” replies Aunt Florence. “Not + too fast, Will!” says mother. “Mother!” says the daughter. + </p> + <p> + Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful day!” + “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt Florence, “I think we + had better put the top up.” “I think this is the wrong road,” says mother. + </p> + <p> + “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father. + </p> + <p> + The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby” of the + person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out + several “feelers” in order to find out the things in which his partner is + most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you + think this is a glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, + “Well, I’m sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The + husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I + felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll all be + drenched.” + </p> + <p> + The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put up + the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the second + and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he can not + use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the rain + curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get out + and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of the + <i>left</i> hand. + </p> + <p> + No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject, and + when you are once more “under way” you should remark to the mother, “I + think that motoring is great fun, don’t you, Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer + will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so fast!” You should then smile and + say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t <i>you</i> think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. + Lockwood?” As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with + a loud noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the + “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I can do?” + This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking care, + however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a young + man who is a “guest” on a motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of + course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can + be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card tricks, + handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making funny jokes + about the host who is at work on the tire. + </p> + <p> + When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding along, + leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as father’s best + “jack” and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly remark, “I’m + hungry.” His father will then reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in + ten minutes.” Thirty minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks + like a good place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re + coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes + later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over there would + be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will reply, “We’re almost at + the place I know about—it’s ideal for a picnic.” Forty minutes after + this, father will stop the car and point to a clump of trees. “There,” he + will say, “what do you think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat <i>there!</i>” will be + the answer of mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I + think I know a place.” + </p> + <p> + Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal + lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a + wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, “Well, we + might as well eat here.” The “picnic” will then be held in the car, and + nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does + warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side + curtains on. + </p> + <p> + After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father have + ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party will + proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught pneumonia, + you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your day’s outing + in the lap of old Mother Nature. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image24.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than +our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancée’s flat +in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for his +intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing, in exchange for +her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition without further ado, or +should she request the guard to introduce the gentleman first?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image25.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young lady has received an invitation to a +quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she +has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and +dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to such an invitation +beginning “Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” +and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and one invitation to a christening +beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but no reply to an invitation to +a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck.”</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>settles such perplexities.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image26.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="What to Avoid in Crests" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no +longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear the +family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is permissible +to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. Care should be +exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as +that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a good +stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + </h3> + <p> + Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom one + would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had out + of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly manner. + </p> + <p> + “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of one’s + home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square ring + roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and gentlemen + who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn. + </p> + <p> + The contests should be between various members of one’s social “set” who + are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times that + they are gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of + one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but two + have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be + proclaimed the “champion.” + </p> + <p> + Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will be + permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The identity of this + “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted professional + pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the guests are in a + glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine + their delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly + knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into the lap of + some tittering “dowager.” + </p> + <p> + Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be carried home + in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host. + </p> + <h3> + BRIDGE WHIST + </h3> + <p> + “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger + generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good + society, and “bridge” parties are much <i>en vogue</i> for both afternoon and + evening entertainments. In order to become an expert “bridge” player one + must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the game, + but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe, pick up + the fundamentals of “bridge” in a short while. + </p> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about town,” are + invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, + at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played + the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the + fact, for in good society one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is + supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, + November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at + Mrs. Gregory’s home. + </p> + <p> + There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few + minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will take + their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your + partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is + considered one of the most expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. + Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of + the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain one). + </p> + <p> + As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst “bridge” player + in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency by + keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for nothing + so enlivens a game of “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing + personality and a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, + after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems + to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest stories, at + the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, “We are waiting for + your bid, Mr. S——.” + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should resolve + itself into a consistent effort on your part to become “dummy” for each + and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, it + should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter what + the cost. + </p> + <p> + Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a minute, + till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Theodore, for + Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. Watts then says, “Which is + higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. + Dollings then says, “I beg your pardon, but hearts have always been + considered higher than clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and + gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I + bid two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two + lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, + “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. Dollings says, “I + beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, + and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. + Watts then bids “Three spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.” + </p> + <p> + This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am counting + on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the only spade in + your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” There is then a wait of + four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, “It is your + first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I + beg your pardon!” and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your + “dummy” hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you + have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me, but I want + to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go into the next room and + wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings will have + disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. + Watts will be saying, “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.” + </p> + <p> + You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent + limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be + considered a thoughtful and gracious “gesture” if, during the next two or + three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. + Dollings is “getting on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice + potted plant. + </p> + <h3> + FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + </h3> + <p> + “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members + of the better classes of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this + pastime been so great in America as since the advent of “prohibition.” + Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for “drinking” have now + given up almost all other amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; + young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as + expert in the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become + more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that, with a few + more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede golf and baseball + as the great American pastime. + </p> + <p> + The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental + rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has + been no less marked. What was considered “good form” in this pastime among + our forefathers now decidedly <i>démodé</i>, and the correct drinker of 1910 is + as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the “frock-coat.” + </p> + <p> + The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking. + “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is more and more + coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances, magic + lantern shows, “dumb crambo,” et cetera, as the parlor amusement <i>par + excellence</i>. “Formal drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people + in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally + better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, fire and + plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, ice, and a dozen + bottles of either whisky or gin. + </p> + <p> + The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you all like + to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence. Another wife then + says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge.” One of + the men players then steps forward and says “I think it would be awfully + nice to have a little drink.” + </p> + <p> + An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It” + then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The men + players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife says, “Now + Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.” The “It” + replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while the “It’s” wife, + after providing each guest with a glass, puts away the Dresden china + clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe. + </p> + <p> + Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the + wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the “husbands’, team” + to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before the “wives’ team” can get + them to go home. + </p> + <p> + When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each + player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The + “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers of bridge?” She + is immediately elected “team captain” for the rest of the evening. It is + the duty of the “team captain” to provide cracked ice and water, to get + ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie + Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break + up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when (1) the + liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have passed “out,” (3) + Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences. “Informal” + drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations and can be + played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The person who is + caught with the liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all + the liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid being + “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low subterfuges, such as + sneaking down alone to the club locker-room during a dance, but this + practise is generally looked upon with great disfavor—especially by + that increasingly large group of citizens who are unselfishly devoting + their lives to the cause of a “dry America” by consuming all of the + present rapidly diminishing visible supply. + </p> + <h3> + A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY + </h3> + <p> + The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s informal parties + is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in recent years. + How often has it happened that just when you had gotten your guests nicely + seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered + fellow would remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ + and get something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared + original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did in <i>Main + Street</i>, only to find that, when you again turned the lights on, half the + company had disappeared for the evening. + </p> + <p> + Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but Hallowe’en, + which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid opportunity for + originality and “peppy” fun. The following suggestions are presented to + ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no matter what other + reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image27.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as +indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so +definitely “places” a person socially as his choice of these +souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above cards?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image28.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor" /> +<span class="caption"><i>In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the +gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, having +been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat +during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of +several useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often +tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever, +permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the +fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally accepted authority on +cards in the “beau monde.”</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + INVITATIONS + </h3> + <p> + The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky” gayety and + light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance and + black cats howl. “More work for the undertaker” should be the leitmotif of + the evening’s fun. + </p> + <p> + The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the + preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who + gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with + each bidding to the evening’s gayeties. It is, of course, not at all + necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything + dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is + such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and the + canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed. + </p> + <p> + Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper + in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are + inscribed. Such as: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en,<br/> + You big stiff.”<br/> + or<br/> + “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even,<br/> + My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.”<br/> + or<br/> + “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch<br/> + If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.”<br/> + or<br/> + “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party;<br/> + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt.<br/> + or<br/> + “Monday night the ghosts do dance;<br/> + Why didn’t you enlist and go to France,<br/> + You slacker?” +</p> + <p> + Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper + thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one of + the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper up, + inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a “spooky” gummed sticker, + and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the invitation, + he will be surprised to read the following: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + Now what on earth<br/> + do you suppose<br/> + is in this<br/> + little folder<br/> + keep turning<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha,<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further +</p> + <p> + It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom + you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time of + the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by failing + to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them; the two cents + which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be returned in a + novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or + stuffed tomatoes. + </p> + <p> + For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the + following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number of small + alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or other high explosive. + Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine, being careful + not to put too much; a quantity sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will + generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion + will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated + with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “Midnight is the mystic hour<br/> + Of yawning graves and coffins dour.<br/> + Beneath your bed this clock please hide<br/> + And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.” +</p> + <p> + These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the + guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband’s + business associates, or because they were nice to your mother when she did + her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part of + relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to them + that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might + even help to invite them to one of your next parties. + </p> + <h3> + RECEIVING THE GUESTS + </h3> + <p> + On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the preparations for + receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in the + effort to start the evening off with a “bang.” + </p> + <p> + Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the right + informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take the street + number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your next door + neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they are perfectly + impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the + lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs + twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your + bewildered friends specifically where to go. + </p> + <p> + When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which house + on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign reading: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “If you would be my Valentine,<br/> + Follow please the bright green line.” +</p> + <p> + Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest proceeds + to follow, according to directions. This cord should guide the way to the + coal cellar of your other neighbor who has recently purchased an automatic + revolver under the delusion that burglars are operating in the + neighborhood. As your bewildered guest gropes his way about the cellar, it + is quite likely that he will be shot at several times and by the time he + emerges (if he does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the + informal spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything. + </p> + <h3> + HOW TO MYSTIFY + </h3> + <p> + At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly rush out + at him; there is always the delightful possibility that he will pick up a + convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an event which often adds + an unexpected touch of gayety to the evening’s fun. If, however, no such + event occurs, the guest should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once + inside he is conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or + four earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + </p> + <p> + The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they are told + that they are to be left there all evening. This is really a great joke, + because they do not, of course, at the time, believe what you say, and + when you come up to untie them the next morning, their shame-faced + discomposure is truly laughable. + </p> + <p> + The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly varied by + taking the lid off your cistern and making the green line lead in that + direction. Great care should be taken, however, to keep an exact account + of the number of guests who succumb to this trick, for although an + unexpected “ducking” is excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results + fatally. + </p> + <p> + Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing several + of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these costumes can be + quite simply and economically made in the home, or can be procured from + some reliable department store. + </p> + <p> + An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit (Munsing or + any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, chemise, underpetticoat, + overpetticoat, long black skirt, long black stockings, shoes, black waist + and shawl, with a pointed witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” + witch’s costume is much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + </p> + <p> + A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by painting + the entire body of one of the male guests with phosphorus. As this glowing + nude stalks uncannily through the darkened rooms you may easily imagine + the ghastly effect—especially upon his wife. + </p> + <h3> + GAMES + </h3> + <p> + After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the ghosts and + witches it will be time to commence some of the many games which are + always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for apples” is, of course, the + most common of these games and great sport it is, too, to watch the + awkward efforts of the guests as they try to pick up with their teeth the + apples floating in a large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to + the evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the effect + on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except for the + unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to sleep in the + tub, the other so far forgetting himself as playfully to throw all the + floating fruit at the hostess’ pet Pomeranian. + </p> + <p> + Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the future in + the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or bride-to-be. In one + of these games the men stand at one end of the room, facing the girls, + with their hands behind their backs and eyes tightly closed. The girls are + blindfolded and one by one they are led to within six feet of the + expectant men and given a soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The + tradition is that whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great + fun can be added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron + dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + </p> + <p> + Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as follows: + A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk upstairs into the room + at the end of the hall where, by looking in a mirror, she will see her + future husband. Have it arranged so that you are concealed alone in the + room. When the girl arrives, look over her shoulder into the mirror. She + had better go downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl + can come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + </p> + <p> + No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. Dress + yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one to hear their + fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a caldron, from which you + extract the slip of paper containing the particular fortune. These slips + of paper should be prepared beforehand. The following are suggested: + </p> + <p> + “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands you better + than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?” + </p> + <p> + “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you ordered + last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with some of your own.” + </p> + <p> + “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your golf score + as you did last Sunday on Number 12.” + </p> + <p> + Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation of one’s + matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted candles are placed + in a row on a table. The men are then blindfolded, whirled around three + times and commanded to blow out the candles. The number extinguished at a + blow tells the number of years before they meet their bride. This game + only grows interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers + can be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have + Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + </p> + <p> + For the older members of the party, the host should provide various games + of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly spirit of the occasion, it + would be well to have the dice carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been + able to make all expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s + entertainment. + </p> + <p> + If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not hesitate to + provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, too, the spirit of + fun and jollity should prevail, and great merriment is always provoked by + the ludicrous expression of the guest who has broken two teeth on the + cast-iron olive. Other delightful surprises should be arranged, and a + little Sloan’s liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will + go a long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the + guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you have cut + cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of their evening wraps + and over coats, it would perhaps be well to run up stairs and lock + yourself securely in your room. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap08"></a>CHAPTER EIGHT:<br/>CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</h2> + + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE + </h3> + <p> + It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the other + side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on one occasion, + when a vainglorious American was boasting of his country’s prowess in + digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited until he had finished and then + replied, with an indescribable smile, “Ah—but you Americans do not + know how to write letters.” Needless to say the discomfited young man took + himself off at the earliest opportunity. + </p> + <p> + There is much truth, alas, in the English lady’s clever retort, for the + automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal card have done + much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art of correspondence. As + one American woman recently remarked to a visitor (with more wit, however, + than good taste), “Yes, we do have correspondents here—but they are + all in the divorce courts.” + </p> + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + </h3> + <p> + There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which must be + followed by all who would “take their pen in hand.” Young people are the + most apt to offend in this respect against the accepted canons of good + taste and it is to these that I would first address the contents of this + chapter. A young girl often lets her high spirits run away with her <i>amour + propre</i>, with the result that her letters, especially those addressed to + strangers, are often lacking in that dignity which is the <i>sine qua non</i> of + correct correspondence. + </p> + <p> + Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss Florence + ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to a taxidermist + thanking him for his neat work in having recently stuffed her deceased pet + Alice. The first of these letters illustrates the evil to which I have + just referred, viz., the complete absence of proper dignity. The second, + written with the aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has + been considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with + comparative strangers. + </p> + <h3> + An Incorrect Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for + Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + </h3> +<p class="letter"> + DEAR MR. Epps:<br/> +<br/> + Aren’t you an old <i>peach</i> to have gone and stuffed Alice so + prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of + taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a + dinner party last night and <i>everybody</i> was just wild about it and + wanted to know who had done it. How on <i>earth</i> did you manage to + get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too + priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it’s so + <i>darned</i> natural that I can’t believe Alice is really dead. I guess + you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have + done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how + perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was + such a <i>peach</i> of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, + thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly + gorgeous bit of taxidermy.<br/> + </p> +<p class="right"> + Gratefully,<br/> + FLORENCE CHASE.<br/> + <i>593 Fifth Avenue,<br/> + New York City.</i> +</p> + <p> + The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with which young + ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and especially those who are + not in their own social “set.” Slang may be excusable in shop girls or + baseball players, but never in the mouth of a young lady with any + pretensions to breeding. And the use of “darned” and “dog-goned” is simply + unpardonable. Notice, now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the + letter after, her mama has given her the proper instruction. + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for Having + Stuffed Her Pet Alice + </h3> +<p class="letter"> + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist,<br/> + New York City.<br/> + DEAR SIR:<br/> +<br/> + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to + compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have + rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. + Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an + unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic + appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I + pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of + the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of + the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty + Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, + who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation.<br/> +</p> +<p class="right"> + Sincerely yours,<br/> + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE.<br/> + <i>December</i> 11, 1922. +</p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image29.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="It Is Not the Custom to Comment on the Quantity of Soup Consumed by a Guest" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young man is leaving the home of his host in +“high dudgeon.” He is of the type rather slangily known among the +members of our younger set as “finale hopper” which means, in the +“King’s English,” one who is very fond of dancing. His +indignation is well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the +socially elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either the quantity +of soup consumed or the method of consumption adopted. These things should be +left for the privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much +innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant but +perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image30.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="False Teeth Should Remain in the Mouth throughout any Given Dinner" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been +guilty of a gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of popularity +lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that the son of his hostess is +about to enter a dental school, he has removed the excellent teeth (false) from +his mouth and passed them around for inspection. The fact that the teeth are of +the latest mode does not in any way condone the breach. Leniency in such +matters is not recommended. “Facilis descensus Averni” as one of +the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + COLLEGE BOYS + </h3> + <p> + It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in young + people, and especially is this true of the mischievous pranks of college + boys. If Harvard football heroes and their “rooters,” for example, wish to + let their hair grow long and wear high turtle-necked red “sweaters,” + corduroy trousers and huge “frat” pins, I, for one, can see no grave + objection, for “boys will be boys” and I am, I hope, no “old fogy” in such + matters. But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not + be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the drawing-room. + Consider, for example, the following two letters, illustrating the correct + and incorrect method in which two young college men should correspond, and + tell me if there is not some place in our college curriculum for a + Professor of Deportment: + </p> + <h3> + An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MIKE: + + Here’s your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. + P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific + welt on my forehead and somebody’s hat with the initials L. G. + T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. + Please for God’s sake don’t cash this check until the fifteenth + or I’m ruined. +</pre> + <p> + And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same letter be + indited. + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student Congratulating + the Latter on His Football Victory + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAR “FRIENDLY ENEMY”: + + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn’t it, and it was so good to + see you in “Old Nassau.” I am sorry that you could not have come + earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I + also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, + for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the + Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. + However, “better luck next time.” + + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our + wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost + glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any + form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught + me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think + me a “prig,” dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you + will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a + football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling + with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make + this our last wager—or at least, next time, let us not lend it + the appearance of professional gambling by giving “odds,” such as + I gave you this year. + + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen + you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, + but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the + day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My + indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which + befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a + scalp wound was the only result and a few days’ rest in my cozy + dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, + that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden + departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they + were—and I am only too glad to find that the “bulldogs” are as + thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I + discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that + in taking my departure I inadvertently “walked off” with the hat + and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I + am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by + the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to + visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been + curious to observe the many interesting sights of “Eli land.” + Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have + given New Haven its name of “the City of Elms,” and the + collection of primitive paintings for which your college is + justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request + that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the + fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, + I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being + “overdrawn.” + + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your “eleven,” + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO PARENTS + </h3> + <p> + Of course, when young people write to the members of their immediate + family, it is not necessary that they employ such reserve as in + correspondence with friends. The following letter well illustrates the + change in tone which is permissible in such intimate correspondence: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her Parents + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MOTHER: + + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don’t you think + it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up + here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The + railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are + usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for + their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats + and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to + have you come only I wouldn’t want you or father to get some + terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least + three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get + here the accommodations aren’t very good for outsiders, many of + the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating + ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don’t you + really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father + stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at + the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday + and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + “permitted” list. + + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be + better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn’t + like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am + sure that he couldn’t get his glass of hot water in the morning + before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New + York. But if he does come please mother don’t let him wear that + old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn’t you get him + to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And + please, mother dear, make him put those “stogies” of his in an + inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch + father’s employees gave you last Christmas? + + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will + be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS FROM PARENTS + </h3> + <p> + THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when corresponding with + their children, with, of course, the addition of a certain amount of + dignity commensurate with the fact that they are, as it were, <i>in loco + parentis</i>. The following example will no doubt be of aid to parents in + correctly corresponding with their children: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on His + Election to the Presidency of the United States + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR FREDERICK: + + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough + to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him + give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely + has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York + whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been + almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good + wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she + told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think + you had better get a new overcoat—a heavy warm one. She also + told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks + and pajamas. I hope that you aren’t going to be so foolish as to + wear those short B. V. D.’s all winter because now that you are + president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you + keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those + dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on + to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered + when you go out—Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the “movies” + the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain + without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a + fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of + pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and + let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him <i>everything</i>. + Your <i>loving</i> mother. + P. S. What direction does your window face? +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + </h3> + <p> + A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite society, + “pop the question” to her by mail, unless she happens, at the time, to be + out of the city or otherwise unable to “receive.” It is often advisable, + however, after she has said “yes,” to write a letter to her father instead + of calling on him to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal + interview is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these + letters to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, + the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of the + father, and for this purpose he should study to make his letter one which + will appeal irresistibly to the older gentleman’s habits and tastes. + </p> + <p> + Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a “business + man,” the following form is suggested: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: ———— + File—Love—personal— + N. Y.—1922 + No. G, 16 19 + Mr. Harrison Williams, + Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., + Buffalo, N. Y. + + DEAR SIR: + + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with + your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your + daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in + this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + “ “ “ Wife + EF/F +</pre> + <p> + Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising business, the + following would probably create a favorable impression, especially if + printed on a blotter or other useful article: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the Advertising + Business + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + JUST A MOMENT! + + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America + are GRANDFATHERS? + + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in + America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + + Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is + done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when + you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to + call you GRANDPA? + + <i>Be fair to your daughter + Give her a College educated husband!</i> + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH +</pre> + <p> + Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of + Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better class stores, + the following might prove effective: + </p> + <p> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a + Credit Department + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which + no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. + This is not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle + reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you + could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of + next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your + immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 + DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not + at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I + referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that + my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request + that you let me have some word from you before the first of next + month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 + DEAR SIR: + + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. +</pre> + <p> + Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its conclusion and if + no reply is received to this last letter it might be well to call on the + gentleman in his place of business—or, possibly, it might even be + better to call off the engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but + there is also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here + sleep the brave.” + </p> + <h3> + LOVE LETTERS + </h3> + <p> + A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course, as formal + as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, however, that his + correspondence should be full of silly meaningless “nothings.” On the + contrary, he should aim to instruct and benefit his future spouse as well + as convey to her his tokens of affection. The following letter well + illustrates the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter + which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory good will, + yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful information: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His Fiancée + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAREST EDITH: + + How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your + eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as + you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the + so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 + feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 + 1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me + in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population + (1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, + and I wish—oh, how I wish—that you might be here with me. + Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père Lachaise cemetery + which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in + Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air + sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made + me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. + 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this + cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the last + resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of + Abelard and Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, + and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young + lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed + at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of + sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of + Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is + the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high + (Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great + Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it + seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as + this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 + tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by + 2,500,000 iron rivets. + + Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a + huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly + three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries + lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are + escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. + I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. +</pre> + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + </h3> + <p> + Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful + correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by the + public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a letter meant + for public consumption which distinguishes it from correspondence of a + more private nature. Thus a Congressman, writing a “public letter,” would + cast it in the following form: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, + Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship” League, + + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, + some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right + thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth + Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit + which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is + reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the + manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up + gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use + of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money + in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night + debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many—“the + greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan. And I, for + one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body + which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great + organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR BOB: + + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case + for Scotch and $90 for gin <i>delivered</i> and not a cent more. + W. G. T. +</pre> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image31.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The problem of an introduction when there is no mutual +acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having had the good +taste to purchase a copy of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>is having +no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in front of the +lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, has set fire +to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady will eventually emerge and in +her haste will fall over the rope. To a gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity +the rest should be comparatively simple.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image32.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="“Say It with Flowers”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>A knowledge of the language of flowers is essential to +a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. With the best +intentions in the world the young man is about to present the young lady with a +flower of whose meaning he is in total ignorance. The young lady, being a +faithful student of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>knows its exact +meaning and it will be perfectly correct for her to turn and, with a frigid +bow, break the pot over the young man’s head. Alas, how differently this +romance might have ended if the so-called “friends” of the young +man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a book on +etiquette such as</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + + <h3> + LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + </h3> + <p> + Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is intended for + publication in some periodical. This is usually written by elderly + gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in the following form: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a Newspaper or + Magazine + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: + SIR: + + On February next, <i>Deo volente</i>, I shall have been a constant + reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, + sir, that that record gives me the right <i>ipso facto</i> to offer my + humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by + that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. <i>Humanum est + errare</i>, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have + unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me + for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I + might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now + long past, it was not considered <i>infra dig</i> for a critic to reply + to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this + epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my + complaint. + + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and + public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing + Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you + don’t) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog + Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I + believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I + ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of ’68 + when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went + into the old Boston Museum to see <i>Our American Cousin</i>. Joe + Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I + think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, + afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many + men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from + in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell, who was + one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to Sam + in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. <i>There</i> was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and + a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger + generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, + with “Bull” pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling + in our shoes. But <i>Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in + pace</i>. I last saw “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all + just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + + But I digress. <i>Tempus fugit</i>,—which reminds me of a story “Billy” + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association + in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible + exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that + Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of + the November issue of your worthy magazine that <i>The Easiest Way</i> + is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun + forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is + it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as <i>Hamlet</i> and + <i>Othello?</i> I think not. <i>Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum.</i> + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low Ideals + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: Sir: + + I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those + worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought + and—aye—died. I do not believe that there existed in our + neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have + kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put + in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not + allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than + the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last + year, a film called <i>Snow White and Rose Red;</i> we have forbidden + him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never + in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in + last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening + game of Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine + which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s + house. “Papa, look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of + the magazine. “What are these?” + + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. + My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in + barroom parlance—a “nude.” And not <i>one</i> nude but <i>twelve!</i> + + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. +</pre> + <h3> + A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains should be + taken in answering such letters as it should always be our aim to lend a + hand to those aspiring toward better things. + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: + Dear Sir: + + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the + other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on + my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell + me and anyway it don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is + will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this + coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a Periodical, + inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be referred to the persons + mentioned in the letter who will probably take prompt and vigorous action. + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Literary Editors: + Dear Sirs: + + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I + wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of + information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her + mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who + was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort + of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it’s a + small world after all, isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all + surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say + hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes + down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He’ll know who I + mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO STRANGERS + </h3> + <p> + In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight acquaintance, it + is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show the stranger that you are + interested in the things in which he is interested. Thus, for example, if + you were to write a letter to a Frenchman who was visiting your city for + the first time, you would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak + to him in his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things + with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who seeks to + impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, disregarding + entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the latter. + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, + Hotel Enterprise, + City. + + MONSIEUR: + + I hope that you have had a <i>bon voyage</i> on your trip from <i>la belle + France</i>, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, “<i>L’etat, c’est moi</i>,” yet I believe that I can + entertain you <i>comme il faut</i> during your stay here. But all <i>bon + mots</i> aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, <i>voila!</i> we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much + that is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery <i>je ne + sais quoi</i> which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, <i>mon Dieu</i>, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an <i>objet d’art</i>. + + I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I + wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find + there several <i>bon vivants</i> who will be glad to join you in a game + of <i>vingt et un</i>, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La + Marseillaise.” + + <i>Au revoir</i> until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. +</pre> + <p> + And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, seek to + avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful to the recipient + of the letter. Many a friendship has been utterly ruined because one of + the parties, in her correspondence or conversation, carelessly referred to + some matter—perhaps some physical peculiarity—upon which the + other was extremely sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how + the use of a little tact may go “a long way.” + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. + “Beggars cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all + rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do + not refuse the Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is + really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for + the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, + therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber + of Seville.” + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. +</pre> + <h3> + INVITATIONS + </h3> + <p> + The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the character of the + function to which one wishes to invite the guests to whom one issues the + invitation. Or, to put it more simply, invitations differ according to the + nature of the party to which one invites the guests. In other words, when + issuing invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the + fact that these invitations vary with the various types of entertainments + for which one issues the invitations. That is to say, one would obviously + not send out the same form of invitation to a wedding as to a dinner + party, and vice versa. This is an iron-clad rule in polite society. + </p> + <p> + For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, respectively, + living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a gentleman named Mr. + Cleek to dinner, would send him the following engraved invitation: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + + <i>request the pleasure of</i> + + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S + + <i>company at dinner + + on Tuesday January the tenth + + at half after seven o’clock</i> + + 1063 Railroad Avenue. +</pre> + <p> + This invitation would of course be worded differently for different + circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the people giving the + party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at 1063 Railroad Ave., or if + they didn’t have any intention of giving a dinner party on that particular + evening. + </p> + <p> + Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead of the + engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be fairly informal. + This sort of invitation should, however, be extremely simple. I think that + most well-informed hostesses would agree that the following is too + verbose: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on + Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. + Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. +</pre> + <p> + For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in this + manner: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + + <i>request the pleasure of your company + + on Friday evening February sixth + + from nine to twelve</i> + + AT DELMONICO’S + + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + + Mrs. SCHMIDT +</pre> + <p> + Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE SENIOR CLASS + + of the + + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + + requests the honor of your presence at the + + Commencement Exercises + + <i>on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + + at eight o’clock</i> + + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + + <i>“That Six” Orchestra.</i> +</pre> + <h3> + ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + </h3> + <p> + Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances” or + “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the following sort + of note: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would + advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify + whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience + furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed + affair—number of guests, character of refreshments, size of + orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. +</pre> + <p> + If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet of + note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A hostess + should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a large number of + “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes to attend her party. + </p> + <p> + The following is a standard form of acceptance: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, + at half after eight. +</pre> + <p> + This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is decidedly + demode: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? + Count on me sure. FRED. +</pre> + <p> + It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted” across the + face of the invitation and return it signed to the hostess. + </p> + <p> + If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s “regrets” + although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,” depending largely + upon the social position of one’s hostess. The proper form of “regret” is + generally as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight. +</pre> + <p> + Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the + “regret,” as for example: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the + left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and + down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight, at “The Bananas.” +</pre> + <p> + This is not, however, always necessary. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image33.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid" /> +<span class="caption"><i>This is an admirable picture with which to test the +“kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It +will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture since the “faux +pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have been +conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the brighter ones discover +that the spoon has been incorrectly left standing in the cup, that the coffee +is being served from the right instead of the left side, and that the lettering +of the motto on the wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite +“au fait” in the home of any red-blooded American +citizen.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image34.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the +picture is perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. +He has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him +in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, +Camp’s Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be +rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If +he had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be found +in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>) <i>he would have realized the bad taste +characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a marked +figure at this well-appointed dinner table.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap09"></a>CHAPTER NINE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</h2> + + <h3> + FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + </h3> + <p> + Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the better + classes of society almost without interruption from earliest times. And + “society,” like the potentate of the parable whose touch transformed every + object into gold, has embellished and adorned the all-too-common habit of + eating, until there has been evolved throughout the ages that most + charming and exquisite product of human culture—the formal dinner + party. The gentleman of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and + escorts into a ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other + celebrity, is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for + having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of spending + his time. + </p> + <p> + But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the + dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary course + of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow when he + discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was causing humorous + comment up and down the “board” and was drawing upon himself the haughty + glances of an outraged hostess. The first requisite of success in dining + out is the possession of a complete set of correct table manners—and + these, like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study + and daily practise. + </p> + <h3> + TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + </h3> + <p> + AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire the + technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best possible place + for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. Children should be taught + at an early age the fundamentals of “table” manners in such a way that by + the time they have reached the years of manhood the correct use of knife, + fork, spoon and fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the + parents should remember, above everything else, to instruct their children + in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his lessons. This is the + method which is employed today in every successful school or + “kindergarten”; this is the method which really produces satisfactory + results. + </p> + <p> + Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward persists in + bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, you should not + punish or scold him; a much more effective and graphic method of + correcting this habit would be for you to suddenly pick up the tadpole one + day at luncheon and swallow it. No whipping or scolding would so impress + upon the growing boy the importance of the fact that the dinner table is + not the place for pets. + </p> + <p> + Another effective way of teaching table manners to children consists in + making up attractive games about the various lessons to be learned. Thus, + whenever you have guests for dinner, the children can play “Boner” which + consists in watching the visitor closely all during the meal in order to + catch him in any irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has + committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his finger at + him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and the boy or girl who + discovers the greatest number of “Boners” during the evening is rewarded + with a prize, based on the following table of points: + </p> +<p class="letter"> + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points.<br/> + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points.<br/> + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points.<br/> + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. +</p> + <p> + Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in advance in + order that they may not feel embarrassed but will enter thoroughly into + the spirit of this helpful sport. + </p> + <h3> + A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + </h3> + <p> + Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted to them + in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable facts about the + dinner table can be embodied in children’s verses. A few of these which I + can remember from my own happy childhood are as follows: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly<br/> + To be a nice <i>hors d’œuvre</i><br/> + And just bring joy to people<br/> + Whom fondest you were of.<br/> +<br/> + Soup is eaten with a spoon<br/> + But not to any haunting tune.<br/> +<br/> + Oysters live down in the sea<br/> + In zones both temp. and torrid,<br/> + And when they are good they are very good indeed,<br/> + And when they are bad they are horrid.<br/> +<br/> + My papa makes a lovely Bronx<br/> + With gin so rare and old,<br/> + And two of them will set you right<br/> + But four will knock you cold.<br/> +<br/> + The boys with Polly will not frolic<br/> + Because she’s eaten too much garlic.<br/> + Mama said the other day,<br/> + “A little goes a long, long way.”<br/> +<br/> + A wind came up out of the sea<br/> + And said, “Those dams are not for me.”<br/> +<br/> + Uncle Frank choked on a bone<br/> + From eating shad <i>au gratin</i><br/> + Aunt Ethel said it served him right<br/> + And went back to her flat in<br/> + NEWARK (spoken)<br/> + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted)<br/> +<br/> + I love my little finger bowl<br/> + So full of late filet of sole.<br/> +<br/> + Cousin George at lunch one day<br/> + Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty.<br/> + Now George a dentist’s bill must pay<br/> + Because he was so very hasty.<br/> + The proverb’s teachings we must hold<br/> + “All that glitters is not gold.”<br/> + And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot,<br/> + You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.”<br/> +<br/> + Jim broke bread into his soup,<br/> + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop.<br/> + Kate drank from her finger bowl,<br/> + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal.<br/> + Children who perform such tricks<br/> + Are socially in Class G-6.<br/> +</p> + <h3> + ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should gradually + come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the youthful games and + rhymes should give way to the more complex and intricate problems of + mature social etiquette. It is suggested that the teachings during this + period may be successfully combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s + other schoolroom studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the + instruction might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + </p> + <p class="p2"> + <i>A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He swims for + five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and for three minutes at + the rate of four miles per hour. He then reaches the other bank, where he + sees a young lady five feet ten inches tall, walking around a tree, in a + circle the circumference of which is forty-two yards.</i> + </p> +<p class="letter"> + <i>A. What is the diameter of the circle?<br/> + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream?<br/> + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current<br/> + in the stream?<br/> + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land?<br/> + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?</i> +</p> + <p class="p2"> + And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first formal + dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the fundamentals of + correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, as in every sport or + profession, there are certain refinements—certain niceties which + come only after long experience—and it is with a view of helping the + ambitious diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest + that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which govern every + dinner party. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the menu + which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes a habit of + saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder if I might + have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that such squeamishness + does not pay in the long run. + </p> + <p> + Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this sort. I + do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is out of place, but + such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out from under her—or + gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor under the table and shouting + “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the “non-ests” of correct modern + dinner-table behaviour. + </p> + <p> + Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain or feats + of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it was considered + correct for a young man who could do card or other tricks to add to the + gayety of the party by displaying his skill, but that time is past, and + the guest of today, who thinks to make a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or + a potted plant from the back of the mystified hostess or one of the + butlers, is in reality only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. + The same “taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no + hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation to a + young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by balancing, on his + nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a lighted candle. + “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a certain point, and I + know of one unfortunately “clever” young chap who almost completely ruined + a promising social career by the unexpected failure of one of his pet + juggling tricks and the consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed + potatoes on the head of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. + Besides, people almost always distrust “clever” persons. + </p> + <p> + It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party, and the + real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism of young Freddie + H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now happily + deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who had developed a + craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a mania, very nearly ruined a + dinner party given by a prominent Boston society matron by attempting to + shoot the whiskers off a certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a + direct descendant of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + </p> + <p> + It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical gifts—such + as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the “splits”—is in itself + no “open sesame” to lasting social success. “Slow and sure” is a good rule + for the young man to follow, and although he may somewhat enviously watch + his more brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their + ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole + in their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought that + “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not built in a + day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed fairly equally, and + you may be sure that the young girl who has been born a ventriloquist very + likely is totally unable to spell difficult words correctly or carry even + a simple tune. Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of + dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a priceless + accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby cry under the + hostess’s chair. + </p> + <h3> + CONVERSATION AT DINNER + </h3> + <p> + Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming + into its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young man + or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is coming more and + more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I fear, born and not made—but + by study and practise any ambitious young man can probably acquire the + technique, and, with time, mould himself into the kind of person upon whom + hostesses depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this + direction I have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my + readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at their + next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + </p> + <h3> + STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + </h3> + <p> + This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under each + course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together with your + partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then introduced for + discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each such topic I have listed + certain helpful facts which will enable you to prolong the conversation + along those lines until the arrival of the next course, and the consequent + opening of another field for discussion. The chart follows: + </p> + <p> + I. <i>Cocktails.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She (he) + replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: Some Aspects + of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven minutes. + </p> + <p> + 2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + </p> + <p> + 3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces internal + disorders. + </p> + <p> + II. <i>Oysters.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + </p> + <p> + 2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + </p> + <p> + 3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + </p> + <p> + III. <i>Fish.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to do many + novel tricks. + </p> + <p> + 2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + </p> + <p> + 3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + </p> + <p> + IV. <i>Meat.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been + through the Stock-Yards?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”) + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.” + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer is + killed in Chicago—and oftener. + </p> + <p> + 2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two years of + age. + </p> + <p> + 3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + </p> + <p> + 4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + </p> + <p> + V. <i>Salad.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite salad?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + </p> + <p> + 2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.” + </p> + <p> + 3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + </p> + <p> + <i>VI. Dessert.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “So do I.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Love. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in America. + </p> + <p> + 2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + </p> + <p> + 3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + </p> + <h3> + BALLS AND DANCES + </h3> + <p> + In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the + ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or lady of + fashion must today be possessed of the following two requisites: i. A + “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these “sine qua nons” is now owned + as a matter of course by most families and is no longer regarded as a mark + of distinction. The former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is + nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good memory + can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a great aid in this + direction if one happens to have spent a year or more at one of our + leading eastern universities or “finishing schools.” These vary, of + course, in degree of excellence, but it does not pay to be dogmatic on + this subject, and to those who would insist that the Princeton “Line” is + more effective than the Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows + more smoothly than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De + gustibus non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the + different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to misquote a + rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be another girl’s + poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is most universally and + interminably employed by the “beautiful” type of girl (consisting, in its + entirety, of the three words “How perfectly priceless”) would never in the + world do for the young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love + for really good books. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image35.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Word of Warning and Encouragement" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The above diagram (one of man), filling the +instructive and refined pages of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>will +serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to +achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence +to the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the pace is +likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently guarantee complete +success to those who, in reverence and faith, keep the final goal always in +sight. His (or hers) be it to keep the sacred flame burning and to pass the +torch along from father to son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, +or so long as they do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in +America, whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English +cousins.”</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + MIXED DANCING + </h3> + <p> + Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, especially to + girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have become largely a trick + of keeping abreast of the latest “mode” and while, personally, I greatly + regret the passing of the stately lancers and other dignified “round + dances,” yet, if “mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every + young person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally + accepted manner, even though this often involves some compromising of + one’s <i>amour propre</i>. + </p> + <p> + But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really great + person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be + possessed of that certain divine something, that <i>je ne sais quoi</i> ability + to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the most difficult + situations, which has distinguished the great men and women of all ages. + Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had it, Napoleon had it—and I + venture to say that any of these three, had they lived today, Would have + been a social success. But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by + taking a typical instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered + low ‘Thou must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’” + </p> + <h3> + HINTS FOR STAGS + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has been invited + to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country Club. It is your original + intention, let us say, to attend as a “stag,” but on the afternoon of the + party you receive a note from a young lady of your acquaintance asking if + you would be so kind as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet + girl from South Orange” who was in her class at college. + </p> + <p> + The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner coat with + a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself correctly, you + should drive in your car to the young lady’s home. There you are presented + to the sweet girl from South Orange, who is six feet tall and has + protruding teeth. After the customary words of greeting and a few brief + bits of pleasantry, you set off with your partner for the dance. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full swing,” and + after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you should ask your + partner if she would care to dance. + </p> + <p> + The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you should + politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing in your ear it is + proper to steer her over toward the “stag line” in order to petition for + an injunction or a temporary restraining order. + </p> + <p> + The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and most + hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one roof. The original + purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a place where unattached young men + might stand while searching for a partner, but the institution has now + come to be a form of Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon + the various debutantes who pass before it. + </p> + <p> + After you have piloted your partner five times along the length of this + line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or demerits, and, in + this particular case, you have a pretty fair idea as to just what the + evening holds out for you. When the music stops you should therefore lead + the girl over to a chair and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of + punch. + </p> + <p> + Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your steps + toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young men whom only as + late as that afternoon you counted among your very best friends, but who + do not, at the present, seem to remember ever having met you before. + Seizing the arm of one of these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” + That is as far as you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by + remarking, “Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve + simply got to speak to. I’ll come right back.” + </p> + <p> + He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And after you + have met with the same response from four other so-called friends, you + should return to the South Orange visitor and “carry on.” + </p> + <p> + At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to clear, + and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for future ballroom + leadership, you should gradually throw off the slough of despond and + determine to make a fight for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. + And when the music has once more ceased, you should ask your partner if + she would not care to take a jaunt in the open air. + </p> + <p> + “I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old bridge.” + </p> + <p> + The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint old + bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet deep, you + should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and push her, not too + roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + </p> + <p> + And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the crowd” you + will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young lady who was + responsible for your having met the sweet girl from South Orange, you will + offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + </p> + <p> + “I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old bridge.” + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image36.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="endpiece" /> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446-h.htm or 1446-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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