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diff --git a/old/14455-8.txt b/old/14455-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..06b1e73 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14455-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1828 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152, +March 21, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152, March 21, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 25, 2004 [EBook #14455] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +March 21st, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +There is a convict at Pentonville who is said to be exactly like the +KAISER. He feels that in view of the great inconvenience he has suffered it +is the KAISER'S duty at once to remove his moustache or grow side whiskers. + + *** + +The KAISER is in a bit of a hole. Attending a special service for the +success of the War, he is reported to have "sung the _De Profundis_ at the +top of his voice." All the rest of him, including the lower part of his +voice, seems to have been submerged. + + *** + +The revolutionary spirit in Germany seems to have extended to the vegetable +kingdom. In a riot at Barmen which occurred recently the chief of police +was "seriously wounded" by a turnip. + + *** + +The _Berliner Tageblatt_ states that for appearing at a private concert a +famous opera singer has been paid in food, including sixty eggs. The custom +is not unknown to some of our own music-hall artistes, who however are +usually more than content with receiving "the bird." + + *** + +According to a _Globe_ report Mr. CHARLES GULLIVER is giving at the +Palladium "a programme of real entertainers." Enterprise and originality +are always to be commended in a manager. + + *** + +A telegram from Mexico City announces that General CARRANZA has been +elected President of the Mexican Republic. It is expected that a full list +of the casualties will be published shortly. + + *** + +A Melbourne despatch states that Mr. HUGHES has been offered thirty-four +seats in the forthcoming elections. The Opposition, it is understood, has +expressed its willingness to allow Mr. HUGHES to occupy all thirty-four. + + *** + +So effective has been the attempt to reduce circulation that we are not +surprised to find a provincial paper advertising in _The Daily Telegraph_ +for "A Reader." + + *** + +"There is no monument more enduring than brass," writes Mr. GEORGE BERNARD +SHAW, War Correspondent. The general feeling, however, is that there is a +kind of brass that is beyond enduring. + + *** + +The idea of blaming _Queen Elizabeth_ for the Dardanelles fiasco is so +entirely satisfactory to all parties concerned that it is being freely +asked why the Commission couldn't have thought of that itself. + + *** + +The new order prohibiting newspapers from printing contents bills is +bearing hardly in certain quarters, and it is rumoured that at least one +sensational contemporary has offered to forgo publishing itself in return +for the privilege of selling its posters. + + *** + +By order of the General Officer Commanding the London District the Grafton +Galleries have been placed out of bounds. Or, as they say in the best +War-time dancing circles, out of leaps and bounds. + + *** + +[Illustration: PROGRESS.] + + *** + +Kensington Council states that 300,000 tons of food are consumed annually +by thousands of dogs which serve no useful purpose. The dogs, on the other +hand, are asking what would become of the nation's womanhood if there were +no dogs to take it out for exercise in the afternoon. + + *** + +The Government, it appears, is determined to keep Charing Cross Railway +Station on the North side of the river. All the objections to the present +site, they point out, are easily outweighed by its proximity to the +National Gallery. + + *** + +At Highgate, says a news item, a man named YELLS was fined for having in +his possession pork which was not sound. It was suggested that defendant +had held back the squeal for his own purposes. + + *** + +An applicant recently informed the House of Commons' Tribunal that cutting +sandwiches was highly skilled work, which could not be done satisfactorily +by women. The difficulty appears to consist not in the actual cutting, but +in conveying the hammy taste from the knife to the bread without actually +parting with the ham itself. + + *** + +Skipping is recommended as a healthy recreation. Several Germans on the +Ancre say they already owe their lives to this practice. + + *** + +It is now proposed that Telephone Directories should be charged for. The +idea appears to be to bring them into line with other light literature; but +_Punch_ fears no rivals. + + *** + +It has been decided by Mr. PAUL TAYLOR at Marylebone that bacon is meat. +Lord DEVONPORT, now that his suspicion has been judicially confirmed, has +announced his intention of going ahead on that basis. + + *** + +From a school-girl's examination paper:--"_Question._ What do you know of +Tantalus? _Answer_: Tantalus suffered from continual hunger and thirst in +internal regions." + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +III. + +ITS OWN REWARD. + +"What fun!" cried the wasp. + +"Where?" asked the bee looking up with a subdued smile. + +"I mean I can't help laughing," said the wasp. + +"A disgusting habit," said the bee. + +"Look at those people nearly out of their wits. Here goes for old +Bless-my-Soul again!" He flew off and buzzed round the old gentleman's neck +and then flew back to the bee, laughing louder than ever at his purple +rage. + +"I don't know what you think of your conduct," said the bee severely, "but +I think it is insects like you who give us all a bad name." + +"Be hanged to your bad name," scoffed the wasp. "A short life and a merry +one, say I." + +"A busy life and a useful one, rather," said the bee. "I am proud to be the +friend of man." + +"Good heavens!" shouted the wasp. "Here comes old Bless-my-Soul bent on +murder. Look out! I'm going for his neck." + +Old Bless-my-Soul slashed wildly with his table-napkin and slew the bee. He +went back triumphantly with his spoil. + +"A bee!" shouted everybody. "I thought it was a wasp. I didn't know bees +were like that." + +"All insects are vicious," said old Bless-my-Soul. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "LONDON PAVILION. CHEERIO! at 8.30.--'Just the thing for a dull + evening.'"--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + + "A few of the waiting women abandoned hope of getting potatoes, and + substituted the purchase by parsnips and sweres."--_Daily Mirror._ + +In the circumstances who shall blame them? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE. + +In order to meet the national need for economy in the consumption of paper, +the Proprietors of _Punch_ are compelled to reduce the number of its pages, +but propose that the amount of matter published in _Punch_ shall by +condensation and compression be maintained and even, it is hoped, +increased. + +It is further necessary that means should be taken to restrict the +circulation of _Punch_, and its price has been raised to Sixpence. The +Proprietors believe that the public will prefer an increase of price to a +reduction of matter. + +Readers are urged to place an order with their Newsagent for the regular +delivery of copies, as _Punch_ may otherwise be unobtainable, the shortage +of paper making imperative the withdrawal from Newsagents of the +"on-sale-or-return" privilege. + +In consequence of the increase in the price of _Punch_ the period covered +by subscriptions already paid direct to the _Punch_ Office will be +proportionately shortened; or the unexpired value will be refunded, if +desired. + +The next issue of _Punch_ (March 28th) will be a Navy Double Number, price +Sixpence. The Proprietors regret that arrangements for this Number were +completed before the further drastic restrictions in the paper supply were +announced. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Unlucky One_ (_after perusing latest list of honours_). +"NEVER HAVE HAD ANY LUCK. MONTHS AGO I SAVED A SERGEANT CHAP FROM A ROTTEN +PLACE--CARRIED THE FELLOW ALL THE WAY BACK--AND TOLD HIM NOT TO SAY A WORD +ABOUT IT!" + +_Friend._ "WELL, WHAT'S WRONG? HAS HE BEEN TALKING?" + +_Unlucky One._ "NOT A WORD, CURSE HIM!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +When I was young, my parents sent me to a boarding school, not in any hopes +of getting me educated, but because they wanted a quiet home. + +At that boarding school I met one Frederick Delane Milroy, a chubby +flame-coloured brat who had no claims to genius, excepting as a +_littérateur_. + +The occasion that established his reputation with the pen was a Natural +History essay. We were given five sheets of foolscap, two hours and our own +choice of subject. I chose the elephant, I remember, having once been kind +to one through the medium of a bag of nuts. + +Frederick D. Milroy headed his effort "THE FERT" in large capitals, and +began, "The fert is a noble animal--" He got no further, the extreme +nobility of the ferret having apparently blinded him to its other +characteristics. + +The other day, as I was wandering about on the "line," dodging Bosch crumps +with more agility than grace, I met Milroy (Frederick Delane) once more. + +He was standing at the entrance of a cosy little funk-hole, his boots and +tunic undone, sniffing the morning nitro-glycerine. He had swollen +considerably since our literary days, but was wearing his hair as red as +ever, and I should have known it anywhere--on the darkest night. I dived +for him and his hole, pushed him into it, and re-introduced myself. He +remembered me quite well, shook my chilblains heartily, and invited me +further underground for tea and talk. + +It was a nice hole, cramped and damp, but very deep, and with those Bosch +love-tokens thudding away upstairs I felt that the nearer Australia the +better. But the rats! Never before have I seen rats in such quantities; +they flowed unchidden all over the dug-out, rummaged in the cupboards, +played kiss-in-the-ring in the shadows, and sang and brawled behind the old +oak panelling until you could barely hear yourself shout. I am fond of +animals, but I do not like having to share my tea with a bald-headed rodent +who gets noisy in his cups, or having a brace of high-spirited youngsters +wrestle out the championship of the district on my bread-and-butter. + +Freddy apologised for them; they were getting a bit above themselves, he +was afraid, but they were seldom dangerous, seldom attacked one unprovoked. +"Live and let live" was their motto. For all that they _did_ get a trifle +_de trop_ sometimes; he himself had lost his temper when he awoke one +morning to find a brawny rat sitting on his face combing his whiskers in +mistake for his own (a pardonable error in the dark); and, determining to +teach them a lesson, had bethought him of his old friend, the noble fert. +He therefore sent home for two of the best. + +The ferrets arrived in due course, received the names Burroughs and +Welcome, were blessed and turned loose. + +They had had a rough trip over at the bottom of the mail sack and were +looking for trouble. An old rat strolled out of his club to see what all +the noise was about, and got the excitement he needed. Seven friends came +to his funeral and never smiled again. There was great rejoicing in that +underground Mess that evening; Burroughs and Welcome were fêted on bully +beef and condensed milk, and made honorary members. + +For three days the good work went on; there was weeping in the cupboards +and gnashing of teeth behind the old oak panelling. Then on the fourth day +Burroughs and Welcome disappeared, and the rats swarmed to their own again. +The deserters were found a week later; they had wormed through a system of +rat-holes into the next dug-out, inhabited by the Atkinses, and had +remained there, honoured guests. + +It is the nature of the British Atkins to make a pet of anything, from a +toad to a sucking pig--he cannot help it. The story about St. George, doyen +of British soldiers, killing that dragon--nonsense! He would have spanked +it, may be, until it promised to reform, then given it a cigarette, and +taken it home to amuse the children. To return to our ferrets, Burroughs +and Welcome provided no exception to the rule; they were taught to sit up +and beg, and lie down and die, to turn handsprings and play the +mouth-organ; they were gorged with Maconochie, plum jam and rum ration; it +was doubtful if they ever went to bed sober. Times out of number they were +borne back to the Officers' Mess and exhorted to do their bit, but they +returned immediately to their friends the Atkinses, _viâ_ their private +route, not unnaturally preferring a life of continuous carousal and +vaudeville among the flesh-pots to sapping and mining down wet rat-holes. + +Freddy was of opinion that, when the battalion proceeded up Unter den +Linden, Burroughs and Welcome would be with it as regimental mascots, +marching behind the band, bells on their fingers, rings on their toes. He +also assured me that if he ever again has to write an essay on the Fert, +its characteristics, the adjective "noble" will not figure so prominently. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +III. + +SWEET MARJORAM. + + _"Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!"_ + (Sang an old dame standing on the kerb); + "You may hear a thousand ballads, + You may pick a thousand salads, + Ere you light on such another herb. + + _Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!_ + (Let its virtues evermore be sung); + Oh, 'twill make your Sunday clo'es gay, + If you wear it in a nosegay, + Pretty mistress, like when I was young. + + _"Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!_ + (Sing of sweet old gardens all a-glow); + It will scent your dower drawer, dear, + Folk would strew it on the floor, dear, + Long ago--long ago--long ago. + + _"Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!"_ + _(Sang the old dame standing on the kerb);_ + _"You may hear a thousand ballads,_ + _You may pick a thousand salads,_ + _Ere you light on such another herb."_ + + * * * * * + + "The recipients [of the medals] were:--Sergeant W.A. Norris, D.C.M. and + Military Private A. Trichney, M.M., andtootompPUF. Medal ..." _Daily + Paper._ + +Private TRICHNEY'S second distinction was awarded presumably for something +extra good in the bombing line. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Beauchamp, opening an Economy Exhibition at Gloucester on + Saturday, said that among many interesting exhibits was one described + as 'Frocks for the twins from Uncle's pyjamas.' He hoped that the child + who sent this exhibit would get the prize it deserved."--_Daily Mail._ + +Uncle has probably seen to that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BREAKING OF THE FETTERS.] + + * * * * * + +ELLA REEVE. + +One can't be too careful how one boasts, especially if there is the chance +of the boast being put quickly to the proof. In fact, it is better perhaps +not to boast at all. + +I was sitting with a friend and a stranger in a London restaurant, having +joined their table for coffee. The stranger, on introduction, turned out to +be connected with the stage in some capacity as agent, and among his +regular clients were the managers of various big provincial theatres, for +whom he provided the leading lights of pantomime, or, as he would call it, +panto. Panto was indeed the mainstay of his business; it was even the warp +and woof of his life. He lived for panto, he thought panto, and he talked +panto. No one, according to him, had a more abysmal knowledge of principal +boys with adequate legs, principal (if that is still the word) girls with +sufficient voices, contralto fairy queens with abundant bosoms, basso demon +kings, Prince Dandinis, Widow Twankays, Ugly Sisters, and all the other +personages of this strange grease-paint mythology of ours. Listening to +him, I learned--as those who are humble in spirit may learn of all men. I +learned, for example, that Ugly Sisters are at Christmas-time always Ugly +Sisters, and very often use again the same dialogue, merely transferring +themselves from, say, Glasgow to Wigan, or from Bristol to Dublin; and this +will be their destiny until they become such very old men that not even the +kindly British public will stand it any longer. England, it seems, is full +of performers who, touring the halls from March to December, are then +claimed for panto as her own, arriving a little before Christmas not less +regularly than the turkey; and the aim of all of them is as nearly as +possible to do the next Christmas what they did last Christmas. + +Not only did my new acquaintance know all these people, their capabilities +and the lowest salary that could be offered to them with any chance of +acceptance, but he was also, it seemed, beloved by them all. Between agent +and client never in the history of the world had such charming relations +subsisted as between every pro. on his books and himself. + +It was then that Ella Reeve came in. + +Accompanied by two expensive-looking men, whose ancestors had beyond any +doubt crossed the Red Sea with Moses, this new and glittering star, who had +but just "made good," or "got over," or "clicked" (my new acquaintance used +all these phrases indiscriminately when referring to his own Herschellian +triumphs as a watcher of the skies), walked confidently to a distant table +which was being held in reserve for her party, and drew off her gloves with +the happy anticipatory assurance of one who is about to lunch a little too +well. (All this, I should say, happened before the War. I am reminded of it +to-day by the circumstance that I have just heard of the death of the agent +whom I then met.) + +The impact of the lady on this gentleman was terrific. + +"Look, look!" he said. "That's Ella Reeve, one of my discoveries. She was +principal boy at Blackpool two years ago. I put her there. She got fifteen +pounds a week, and to-day she gets two hundred. I spotted her in a chorus, +asked her to call and see me, and this is the result. I made her. There's +nothing she wouldn't do for me, she's so grateful. If she knew I was in the +room she'd be over here in a jiffy." + +Having told us all this, he, being a very normal man, told it again, all +the while craning his neck in the hope that his old client (she had now, it +seemed, passed out of his hands, having forsaken panto for London and +revue) might catch sight of his dear face. But she was far too much +occupied either with the lobster on her plate or with the yellow fluid, +strange to me, that moved restlessly in a long-stemmed shallow glass at her +side. + +And then, being, as I say, not in any way an eccentric or exorbitant +character, the agent told it us a third time, with a digression here and +there as to the deep friendships that members of his profession could form +and cement if only they were decent fellows and not mere money-grubbing +machines out for nothing but their commission. "That's what the wise man +does," he concluded; "he makes real friends with his clients, such as I did +with Ella Reeve. The result is we never had any hitches, and there's +nothing she wouldn't do for me. She's a darling!" + +Getting a little tired of this, but obviously anything but unwilling to +shake the new star's slender hand and listen to the vivacious flow of +speech from such attractive lips, my friend said at last, "Well, as you and +she are such pals, and as she has only to know that you are here to jump +over the tables to get to you, why not send your card to her?" + +The agent agreed, and we watched the waiter threading his way among the +tables towards that one at which the new and grateful star was seated and +hand the card to her. + +The end of this story is so tragic that I should prefer not to tell it. + +Ella Reeve took the card, read it, laid it down, and resumed conversation +with her friends. She did not even glance in our direction. + +I felt sorry for the agent, whose mortification was very real, though he +made a brave effort to carry it off; and now that he is dead I feel +sorrier. As for Ella Reeve (which is not really her name, but one which +with great ingenuity I devised for her from the French: thus, _Elle +arrive_) I often see her, under her true style, in her triumphs, and I +always wonder whether her treatment of the agent, or his assurance of her +dependence on his cordiality, represents more nearly the truth. She looks +such a good sort. Some day, when the War is over, I must acquire a shiny +tall hat and a glossy shirt front and a youthful manner and get someone to +introduce me, and then, bit by bit, extract the truth. + +Meanwhile the fact remains that it is dangerous to boast. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy (back from Blighty)_. "YUS, I GRANT YER A BIT O' +LEAVE'S ALL RIGHT. BUT IT'S AWFUL DEPRESSIN', TOO, AT HOME--NOTHIN' BUT +WAR--WAR! IT GIVES YER THE FAIR 'UMP."] + + * * * * * + +"JAPANESE POLITICS. + +PRIME MINISTER'S ATTACK ON THE DIET."--_Daily Paper._ + +We wouldn't be the Food Controller in Japan for anything. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted situation as Groom Coachman or Coachman General; disengaged + early in March; can milk and care motor if required."--_Irish Paper_. + +A modern improvement, we suppose, on "the cow with the iron tail." + + * * * * * + + "At a special meeting of the Duma held to-day, the Minister for + Agriculture, M. Rittich, in reply to an urgent question on the measures + for supplying Petrograd, stated the supplies were sufficient for the + present. Difficulties in purchase are due to excessive building and + storing by individuals in the shape of rusks."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +No authority for this remarkable statement is given, but we suspect the +_Russky Invalid_. + + * * * * * + + "A trifle of a trinket for his women-folk is the only saving as an + insurance for the poor against famine and starvation for a rainless + day."--_A Native Writer in "The Times of India."_ + +KIPLING was right, East is East and West is West. + + * * * * * + + "The undersigned has great pleasure in informing all the ladies, + gentlemen and the other travellers in the Station that a very nice + comfortable motor car can be obtained on hire from him for a walk in or + out of the Station for any period of time at very reasonable + charges."--_Peshawar Daily News_. + +The petrol shortage evidently extends to India. + + * * * * * + + "Ireland is accustomed to disappointment; she is accustomed to what she + signalises as betrayal, but her spirit remains unbroken, and she goes + on her way undaunted to seek, it may be by new methods and a new road, + her appointed gaol."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +Irishmen may justifiably resent this cynicism on the part of an old friend. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MODIFIED SALIENT. + +_The Old 'Un (surveying recently called-up warrior)._ "WELL, JARGE, YOU'M +STILL TURR'BLE FAT, BUT THE ARMY DO ZEEM TO 'AVE REARRANGED IT, LIKE."] + + * * * * * + +GOLD BRAID. + + Same old crossing, same old boat, + Same old dust round Rouen way, + Same old narsty one-franc note, + Same old "Mercy, sivvoo play;" + Same old scramble up the line, + Same old 'orse-box, same old stror, + Same old weather, wet or fine, + Same old blooming War. + + _Ho Lor, it isn't a dream,_ + _It's just as it used to be, every bit;_ + _Same old whistle and same old bang,_ + _And me to stay 'ere till I'm 'it._ + + + 'Twas up by Loos I got me first; + I just dropped gently, crawled a yard + And rested sickish, with a thirst-- + The 'eat, I thought, and smoking 'ard ... + Then someone offers me a drink, + What poets call "the cooling draft," + And seeing 'im I done a think: + "_Blighty_," I thinks--and laughed. + + I'm not a soldier natural, + No more than most of us to-day; + I runs a business with a pal + (Meaning the Missis) Fulham way; + Greengrocery--the cabbages + And fruit and things I take meself, + And she has daffs and crocuses + A-smiling on a shelf. + + "Blighty," I thinks. The doctor knows; + 'E talks of punctured damn-the-things. + It's me for Blighty. Down I goes; + I ain't a singer, but I sings; + "Oh, 'oo goes 'ome?" I sort of 'ums; + "Oh, 'oo's for dear old England's shores?" + And by-and-by Southampton comes-- + "Blighty!" I says and roars. + + I s'pose I thort I done my bit; + I s'pose I thort the War would stop; + I saw myself a-getting fit + With Missis at the little shop; + The same like as it used to be, + The same old markets, same old crowd. + The same old marrers, same old me, + But 'er as proud as proud.... + + The regiment is where it was, + I'm in the same old ninth platoon; + New faces most, and keen becos + They 'ope the thing is ending soon; + I ain't complaining, mind, but still, + When later on some newish bloke + Stops one and laughs, "A blighty, Bill," + I'll wonder, "Where's the joke?" + + Same old trenches, same old view, + Same old rats and just as tame, + Same old dug-outs, nothing new, + Same old smell, the very same, + Same old bodies out in front, + Same old _strafe_ from 2 till 4, + Same old scratching, same old 'unt, + Same old bloody War. + + _Ho Lor, it isn't a dream,_ + _It's just as it used to be, every bit;_ + _Same old whistle and same old bang_ + _And me out again to be 'it._ + A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW POSTER.] + + * * * * * + + "The important now development in the cotton situation is that the ½ + Prime Minister has consented to receive a deputation."--_Manchester + Guardian._ + +All the same, he refused to adopt a ½ measure. + + * * * * * + + "The history of the development of the ¾eppelin is well-known."--_Daily + Chronicle._ + +Particularly since our airmen ceased to give it any quarter. + + * * * * * + +From an official notice of the sale of an enemy business:-- + + "Lot 2. The goodwill of the business of the company attaching to goods + shipped from England to Nigeria, marked with the unregistered or + common-law trade-marks known as 'Eagle on Rocks' and 'Lion and Flag.'" + +We are not surprised to hear of the "Eagle on Rocks" when it had the "Lion +and Flag" after it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TILLERS OF THE SOIL. + +STUDY OF URBAN DWELLERS PREPARING FOR THE WORST.] + + * * * * * + +THE JOY-RIDER AT THE FRONT. + + (_Being a free version of Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S articles in "The Daily + Chronicle" on his visit to the seat of War_.) + + "Since the good man, RAMSAY MACDONALD, while touring in the East + Went out to shoot the tiger, that homicidal beast, + The most electrifying humanitarian stunt + Has been my khaki joy-ride along the British Front. + + "It wasn't my own suggestion; I went as the Government's guest, + Invited to see how the brass-hats were running the show on the West; + I've never been sweet on soldiers, but I only went for a week, + And it gave me heaps of chances of studying war technique. + + "If they really thought to convert me by the loan of a khaki suit, + Or by conferring upon me the right to claim a salute, + It wouldn't at all surprise me, for dullards have always tried + To bribe true men of genius to take the popular side. + + "Well, I went, I saw, I 'joy-rode,' and my verdict remains the same; + There's no use having a country unless she's always to blame; + For of all the appalling prospects that human life can lend + The worst is to be unable to play the candid friend. + + "Men talk of France, the Martyr; of her precious blood outpoured; + Of the innocent helpless victims of the brutal Hunnish horde; + Presuming, insensate idiots, to label as beast and brute + The race that has always held me in the very highest repute! + + "While France has failed completely, at least in those later days, + To show appreciation of my Prefaces and Plays; + It wouldn't be therefore worthy of a genuine superman + To show undue compassion for the sorrows of 'Marianne.' + + "And as for the sheer destruction of noble and ancient fanes + Which the prejudiced Hun-hater indignantly arraigns, + The simple truth compels me in honesty to state + That the style of some ruined buildings was utterly second-rate. + + "But to quit these trivial matters--let weaklings wail and weep, + The loss of a few cathedrals will never affect my sleep-- + What lifts this Armageddon to an altitude sublime + Is the crowning fact that it gave me a perfectly glorious time. + + "As an ultra-neutral observer I entered the battle zone + And emerged unmoved, unshaken, with a heart as cool as a stone; + No sight could touch or daunt me, no sound my soul untune; + From pity or tears or sorrow I still remained immune. + + "I own that before my arrival I felt an occasional qualm + Lest the shock of the unexpected might shatter my wonted calm; + But it gave me the richest rapture to find I was wholly free + From the crude and vulgar emotions that harass the plain V.C. + + "I inspected the great war-engine, and, instead of its going strong, + I saw that in each of its workings there was always something wrong; + In fact, with the old black powder and the obsolete Brown Bess + The chances of missing your target were infinitely less. + + "The so-called arm of precision scores only by lucky hits, + Though the 'heavies' and high explosives may possibly blow you to bits; + I saw one corpse on my 'joy-ride,' the head had been blown away, + And the thought of this painless ending produced in me no dismay." + + _Now he's back in the finest feather from his holiday with the Staff,_ + _And we're sure that no one will grudge him the meed of this epitaph:_ + _"He went through the fiery furnace, but never a hair was missed_ + _From the heels of our most colossal Arch-Super-Egotist."_ + + * * * * * + +"GREAT WHITE SALE. + +UNREPEATABLE BARGAINS IN LINGERIE."--_Daily Paper._ + +We respect this reticence. + + * * * * * + + "The public are responding but slowly to the appeal of the Post Office + to facilitate the delay of correspondence in London by using the new + numbered addresses."--_Daily Mail._ + +If that is really the object, why hurry? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CANCELLED + +BY ORDER OF THE COMPETENT MILITARY AUTHORITY.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 12th._--Having declared war upon the Government the +Nationalists are seeking a suitable plan of campaign. The Home Rule demand +never obtained much support among the Irish farmers until FINTAN LALOR +hitched it on to the Land question, and ever since Mr. WYNDHAM'S Land +Purchase Act turned the tenants into prospective owners it has been +steadily losing momentum. Mr. GINNELL, who made his reputation as a +perverse species of cowboy, now witnesses with grim satisfaction the +efforts of his colleagues to borrow his policy and break up the grass +farms. It was rather hard on him that the Parliamentary printer should have +ruined one of his questions on the subject by making him say "that the +reason"--instead of the season--"for breaking this land is passing away." + +The HOME SECRETARY is regarded by those who do not know him intimately as a +somewhat austere person, but given the right atmosphere he can be as lively +as anybody. Questioned about the reopening of Ciro's, he betrayed a minute +acquaintance with the details of its programme. I was beginning to wonder +if he were related to that famous Early-Victorian family, the Caves of +Harmony, when his knowledge broke down. On being asked by his old friend +Mr. BUTCHER to define a cabaret-entertainment he was nonplussed, and could +only refer him to Colonel LOCKWOOD as a probable authority. + +No one was more delighted at Mr. BONAR LAW'S announcement of the capture of +Baghdad than the Member for Cockermouth, who knows the region well. +Mesopotamia may or may not be the Garden of Eden, but Baghdad was at one +time unquestionably the abode of BLISS. + +Mr. CATHCART WASON was a little puzzled when Mr. FORSTER informed him that +the peeling of potatoes by Army cooks is strictly forbidden, "except when +the dietary of the troops makes it necessary." Why should there be any +exception at all, he wondered, until a neighbour, better informed about the +new meat-ration, whispered, "Sausages and _mashed_." + +A grave statement by Mr. MACPHERSON as to the recent losses of the Royal +Flying Corps on the Western Front, and the increased activity of the German +airmen, created some natural depression, which might have been more +pronounced had not Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING seized the occasion to reiterate +his charges of "Murder" already condemned as baseless by two judicial +tribunals. The House will do anything in reason, but it refuses to +accompany Mr. BILLING in his flights of imagination. + +_Tuesday, March 13th._--In the Lords, the Bill to deprive enemy peers of +their titles was supported by Lord MIDLETON, who nobly offered to sacrifice +his Red Eagle on the altar of patriotism. On the other hand Lord COURTNEY +condemned it; but there is no truth in the story that the Yellow Waistcoat +which he habitually wears was originally conferred upon him by the KAISER. +It is, I understand, an example of protective colouring, designed to ward +off the attacks of the Yellow Press. + +_Wednesday, March 14th._--The explosive qualities of cotton when suitably +combined with other ingredients are well known. Of these ingredients the +Lancashire spirit is perhaps the most potent. Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN began +his defence of the proposed Indian cotton duties with an appeal to Imperial +sentiment based upon what India had done and was doing. The Maharajah of +BIKANIR, seated in the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, listened with +appreciation to the praises of his famous Camel Corps. Then followed what +might be called the Home Rule argument--we could not refuse what the Indian +people so much desired--delivered with so much earnestness that Mr. +JEREMIAH MACVEAGH loudly invited Mr. CHAMBERLAIN to "come over and sit on +these benches." + +[Illustration: MEGAPHONES FOR MINISTERS. A SUGGESTION FROM THE PRESS +GALLERY.] + +But his best card was his last, when, after a tribute to Mr. ASQUITH'S +"loyalty to colleagues," which roused tremendous cheering from the +Liberals, he invited the late Prime Minister to cast his vote with the +Government. Mr. ASQUITH did even more, for at the end of a speech, critical +but not censorious, he suggested an amendment to the Resolution which +enabled his Free Trade followers to "save their face." A few stalwarts from +Lancashire insisted none the less on taking a division, and were joined on +general principles by the Nationalists and other habitual malcontents. But +India, the Government and Mr. ASQUITH had the comfortable majority of 140. + +_Thursday, March 15th._--Under the present rules of procedure (the products +of Irish obstruction in the past) the Nationalists find it difficult to put +their declaration of war against the Government to much effect. Their best +chance comes during the first hour of the sitting, and their most useful +weapon is the Supplementary Question. No sooner has Mr. DUKE read the +official reply to the inquiry on the Paper than there comes a strident +"Arising out of that, Mr. SPEAKER-R." Fortunately the CHIEF SECRETARY +possesses a Job-like patience, and is rarely betrayed into any departure +from his polite if somewhat ponderous manner. To badger Mr. BIRRELL was an +exciting pastime rather like punching the ball. To heckle Mr. DUKE is like +hammering a sandbag. + +It would be interesting to know how many Members of the House of Commons +have volunteered under the National Service scheme. I only know of one; +that is Dr. MACNAMARA, who modestly avowed the fact when challenged by Mr. +PRINGLE, though I doubt whether the Admiralty will consent to dispense with +his services. On the other hand I only know of one who has not; and that is +Mr. PRINGLE himself, who, on the same challenge being put to him, replied, +"No, and don't intend." There is evidently someone, possibly Mr. HOGGE, who +thinks Mr. PRINGLE'S present services indispensable to the winning of the +War. + +The debate on the new Vote of Credit dragged along in a thin and somnolent +House until Mr. BONAR LAW woke it up with the startling news that there had +been a revolution in Russia, and that the TSAR had abdicated. Everybody +seemed pleased, including Mr. DEVLIN, who was quite statesmanlike in his +appreciation. But no one noticed that henceforward we must rank the late +Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN among the prophets. Addressing the Members of +the Inter-parliamentary Conference assembled in the Palace of Westminster +on July 23rd, 1906, just after the dissolution of Russia's first elected +Parliament, he said, "_La Duma est morte; vive la Duma!_" For a Prime +Minister this outburst was regarded as a little tactless; its essential +wisdom has been justified by the event. + +_Friday, March 16th._--To-morrow being St. Patrick's Day, Mr. BONAR LAW +seized the opportunity to address a little homily to Members from Ireland. +Unless they mend their ways pretty soon they may have to go back to their +constituents and tackle the Sinn Feiners themselves. + + * * * * * + +WINGED VICTORY. + +"_Per ardua ad astra._" + +"One of our machines did not return." + + I like to think it did not fall to earth, + A wounded bird that trails a broken wing, + But to the heavenly blue that gave it birth + Faded in silence, a mysterious thing, + Cleaving its radiant course where honour lies, + Like a winged victory mounting to the skies. + + The clouds received it and the pathless night; + Swift as a flame, its eager force unspent, + We saw no limit to its daring flight; + Only its pilot knew the way it went, + And how it pierced the maze of flickering stars + Straight to its goal in the red planet Mars. + + So to the entrance of that fiery gate, + Borne by no current, driven by no breeze, + Knowing no guide but some compelling fate, + Bold navigators of uncharted seas, + Courage and youth went proudly sweeping by, + To win the unchallenged freedom of the sky. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Curate (to unfailing supporter)._ "OH, MISS TOOTSBY, IT'S +GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN. IT WOULDN'T SEEM LIKE A JUMBLE SALE WITHOUT +YOU."] + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_Enter PASHA and the Sultan of TURKEY._) + +_The Sultan._ Then you want me to press the GERMAN KAISER to come to +Constantinople and pay me a visit. Is that it? + +_Enver._ Yes, your Majesty, that is about it. It would produce a splendid +effect on the populace and would electrify the soldiers. + +_The Sultan._ But I've already told you that I cordially dislike this +KAISER of yours. Wherever he goes he turns everything upside down, and +there's not a moment's peace or repose for anybody. He must have reviews of +troops morning, noon and night, and it's all quite useless, for our +Generals tell me that he doesn't really understand anything about soldiers +and their movements. You know they've had to keep him away from the +fighting, both in France and Russia, because he would insist on giving the +most absurd orders, and when things didn't go right immediately he always +broke out into shouting and cursing, and praying and crying until his Staff +felt so ashamed of him and themselves that they didn't know which way to +look. There's never any knowing what a man like that will do. He's as +likely as not to want to preach a sermon in St. Sophia, or to ride his +horse up the steps of the Palace. + +_Enver._ These are certainly faults, but they are the faults of an +enthusiastic nature. + +_The Sultan._ Well, I don't like that kind of enthusiastic nature. I prefer +something quieter. Besides, I am told that his behaviour in the house and +his table-manners are dreadful. He's quite capable, if he doesn't like a +dish, of throwing it at the attendants. Then he gets so angry when people +don't agree with him; the least contradiction makes him purple, absolutely +purple, with passion. My dear ENVER, you would have to pretend you knew +nothing about Turkey when you talked with him--at any rate nothing in +comparison with his knowledge--and I'm sure you wouldn't like that; nobody +would. No, I can't say the prospect of having him here as my guest allures +me, but of course, if you say it _must_ be done, I'm ready to sacrifice +myself. Only I warn you it will spoil everything for me to have him here +prancing about in a Turkish uniform. + +_Enver._ I didn't know your Majesty's feelings were so strong on the +subject. Perhaps it will not, after all, be necessary. I will see what can +be done. + +_The Sultan._ Yes, do, there's a good fellow. If I had to entertain that +man for a week I should suffer from indigestion for the rest of my life. + +_Enver._ If possible we will see that your Majesty is spared such an +affliction. With your Majesty's leave I will now withdraw. + +_The Sultan._ Do by all means. No--stop; you haven't given me any of the +War news. I keep on asking for it, but nobody pays any attention to my +requests. Honestly, I don't see much use in being a Sultan if one can't get +anyone to do what one asks. + +_Enver._ Oh, you want to hear some War news, do you? Well, I may as well +tell you now as later. Baghdad's gone. + +_The Sultan._ What--captured? + +_Enver._ Yes, the infernal English have got it. + +_The Sultan._ I knew it was bound to happen. I told you so only last +Tuesday--at least, if it wasn't you it was somebody else. "Baghdad," I +said, "is sure to be captured. The English are in great force, and if we +don't watch it carefully they're sure to snatch it from us." That's what I +said; but you wouldn't have it. You were all so cock-sure, and now where +are you? + +_Enver._ Who can fight against treachery? + +_The Sultan._ Treachery? It's simply stupidity and incompetence. You and +your KAISER keep patting one another on the back, and then one fine morning +you wake up and discover that Baghdad has fallen. ENVER, you'll find it +rather difficult to explain this to the people. They know my advice hasn't +counted for anything in this; they'll put it all down to you; and you can't +murder them all, as you murdered poor old NAZIM. + +_Enver._ Silence, or-- + +_The Sultan._ Yes, I know, but I will not keep silence. Rather, I will ask +again, why have you sent my best regiments to help the Austrians and +Germans on their own fronts? Even I could have managed better than that. +And why are we fighting in this War at all? Answer me that. + +_Enver._ We fight for the greatness of Turkey. + +_The Sultan._ Well, we don't seem very successful. It was a good deal +bigger before we lost Erzerum and Baghdad... + +(_Left wrangling._) + + * * * * * + +Conscience-Money? + + "The Commissioners of Inland Revenue acknowledge the receipt of first + half of £100 note from 'Berlin.'"--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Half-a-dozen deer escaped from Hatfield Park some weeks ago through a + gate having been carelessly left open. A wholesale clearance of + vegetables followed in the district, and the damage was so serious + that, with the Marquis of Salisbury's approval, shooting parties of + farmers went out, and the raiders have now been run to + earth."--_Manchester Paper._ + +It looks as if they were only rabbits, after all. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"REMNANT." + +I wish now that I had not been compelled to postpone my visit to the +Royalty, for I think the fall of Baghdad must have put me a bit above +myself. Anyhow, I was less moved than usual by the triumph of virtue and +the downing of vice; and permitted myself to wonder how a play like +_Remnant_ ever found its way into the Royalty (of all theatres), and what +Mr. DENNIS EADIE (of all actors) was doing in this galley, this +melted-butter boat. And indeed there were moments when I could see that Mr. +EADIE himself shared my wonder, if I rightly interpreted certain signs of +indifference and detachment in his performance. I even suspected a sinister +intention in the title, though, of course, Messrs. MORTON and NICCODEMI +didn't really get their play off in the course of a bargain sale of +superannuated goods. + +Apart from the Second Act, where Miss MARIE LÖHR (looking rather like a +nice Dutch doll) delivered the blunt gaucheries of _Remnant_ with a +delightfully stolid naïveté, the design of the play and its simple little +devices might almost have been the work of amateurs. The sordid quarrels +between _Tony_ and his preposterous mistress (whom I took to be a model, +till I found that he was only an artist in steam locomotives) were +extraordinarily lacking in subtlety. In all this Bohemian business one +looked in vain for a touch of the art of MURGER. What would one not have +given for something even distantly reminiscent of the _Juliet_ scene--"_et +le pigeon chantait toujours_"? And it wasn't as if this was supposed to be +a sham Americanised _quartier_ of to-day. We were in the true period--under +Louis PHILIPPE. Indeed I know no other reason (costumes always excepted) +why the scene was the Paris of 1840. For the purposes of the play _Tony_ +might just as well have been a British designer of tanks (London, 1916). +Nor was there anything even conventionally French about the girl _Remnant_, +who might have been born next-door to Bow Bells. + +[Illustration: REMNANT BARGAIN DAY. + +_Tony_ ... MR. DENNIS EADIE. + +"_Remnant_" ... MISS MARIE LÖHR.] + +Miss MARIE LÖHR was the life and soul of the party. Her true comedy manner, +when she was serious, was always fascinating. She said with great +discretion her little Barriesque piece about the desirability of babies, +and she did all she knew to keep the sentiment from being too sickly-sweet. +Here she had strong assistance from Mr. EADIE as her lover _Tony_; for, +though he got a fine flash out of the green eye of jealousy when he +suspected his patron, _Jules_, of jumping his love-claim, it was obvious at +the end that the success of his professional ambitions was far more to him +than any affair of the heart. And, after all, when _Remnant_ complained of +a curious _bourdonnement_ in her ears, and _Tony_ had to reply solemnly, +"That which you hear is the beating of your heart to the music of your +soul," you could hardly expect a man with Mr. EADIE'S sense of humour to +throw much conviction into the statement. + +Mr. C.M. LOWNE was a very passable _beau_, and made love to _Remnant_ with +that rich fruitiness of voice of which he is a past master. It was her +business (as she explained to _Tony_ when he surprised their two faces +within kissing distance of each other) to keep _Jules_ in good humour since +_Tony's_ chances depended upon his patronage. But it couldn't have helped +much to tell _Jules_ with such appalling candour that the shiver produced +by his kiss was the same kind as she had once felt when a rat ran over her +face during sleep. However, _Jules_ was not a _beau_ for nothing and could +afford this exceptional set-back to one of his many amours. There was, by +the way, an excellent little comedy scene between him and his wife, played +by Miss MURIEL POPE with a quiet humour as piquant as her gown. + +As _Manon_, the querulous termagant that _Tony_ had taken for mistress, +Miss HILDA MOORE was not very kindly served by her part--so rudimentary +that its highest flight was achieved when, with a Parthian shot, she +referred to _Tony_ as a geni-ass. + +I will not forecast a limited success for this play, for who would dare to +say that there is not always room in the broad British bosom for yet +another triumph of sentiment over ideas--I speak of the play itself and not +of the performance? If only for Miss LÖHR'S sake I could wish that the best +of fortune may attend it; for to have worn her hair as she did in the +Second Act, out of regard for the period, was a sacrifice as fine as any +that women have shown in the course of Armageddon (if I may judge of them +by their portraits in the Photographic Press), and she ought to have her +reward, bless her heart! O.S. + + * * * * * + +"GENERAL POST." + +It would be easy to make fun of the exaggerations and ultra-simplifications +of Mr. TERRY'S new comedy. It is much pleasanter (and juster) to dwell on +its wholesomeness, its easy humour and its effect of honest entertainment. +Not a highbrow adventure, it is not to be judged by highbrow standards. It +is decently in key, and an exceptionally clever cast carried it adroitly +over any rough places. Remarkable, too, as almost the first popular +testimonial since the War began to the too-much-taken-for-granted +Territorials, who worked in the old days while we scoffed and golfed. +That's all to the good. + +[Illustration: THE TAILOR WHO DID NOT NEED TO PRESS HIS SUIT. + +_Sir Dennys Broughton_ ... MR. NORMAN MCKINNEL. + +_Lady Broughton_ ... MISS LILIAN BRAITHWAITE. + +_Edward Smith (tailor)_ ... MR. GEORGE TULLY.] + +Our author's hero is an excellent provincial tailor, who is also keen +_Captain Smith_ in the Sheffingham Terriers. As tailor his chief customer, +as soldier his contemptuous scandalised critic, is _Sir Dennys Broughton_, +whose wayward flapper daughter _Betty_ is in the early fierce stages of +revolt against the stuffiness of life at Grange Court, meets _Smith_ over +some boys' club work, and, finding brains and dreams in him (a formidable +contrast to her loafing brother), falls into passionate first-love. _Smith_ +is just as badly if more soberly hit, and recognising the impossibility of +the situation (quite apart from demonstrations by the alarmed _Broughtons_) +decides to take his tape and shears to his London house of business. The +date of all this being about the time of the misguided _Panther's_ fateful +leap on Agadir. + +Act II. brings us to the second year of the War. Young _Broughton_, puppy +no longer, is gloriously in it, and has just been gazetted to a Territorial +regiment whose Colonel bears the not uncommon name of Smith. Our tailor, of +course, and a rattling fine soldier too. Having discovered this latter fact +and also formed a remarkably cordial relationship apparently in a single +day, the enthusiastic cub subaltern (distemper and snobbishness over and +done with) motors up his C.O., who is visiting his brother and partner, and +brings him in to Grange Court on the way. _Sir Dennys_, now a brassarded +private and otherwise a converted man, is still confoundedly embarrassed, +and stands anything but easy in the presence of his youngster's Colonel. +_Lady Broughton_, least malleable of the group, is frankly appalled by this +new _mésalliance_. Perhaps Mr. TERRY'S version of blue-blooded insolence +and fatuity is for his stage purpose rather crudely coloured, but who shall +say that the doctrine that a man in khaki who has been an elementary +schoolmaster or a tailor is a man for a' that, is quite universally +accepted in the best circles even in this year of grace? _Betty_, now a +grown girl in the cynical stage, revenges herself with feline savagery on +the knight of the shears for the imagined slight of his defection. + +Act III. is dated 19? just after peace is declared. The tailor is not (as I +half expected) back in his shop, but a _Brigadier-General Smith, V.C._, is +being invested with the freedom of Sheffingham and is making a spirited +attack on the defences of _Betty_. She puts up enough of a fight to ensure +a good Third Act, and capitulates charmingly to the delight, now, of all +the _Broughton_ household--butler included. I hope Mr. TERRY is right and +that the places taken in this great war game of _General Post_ and the +values registered will have permanence. + +I won't deny that the excellent moral of the play goes far to disarm one's +critical faculty. Why not confess that one lost one's heart to the nicest +tailor since _Evan Harrington_? Indeed, Mr. TULLY (always, I find, quite +admirable in characterisation, and that no mere matter of outward trick, +but duly charged with feeling) made just such a decent, lovable, sideless +officer as it has been the pride of the nation of shopkeepers to produce in +the day of challenge. Whoever was it dared cast Mr. MCKINNEL for the part +of a weak kindly old ass of a baronet, without any ruggedness or violence +in his composition? Congratulations to the unknown perspicacious hero and +to Mr. MCKINNEL! Miss MADGE TITHERADGE flapped prettily as a flapper; bit +cleanly and cruelly in her biting mood; surrendered most engagingly. This +is less than justice. She used her queer caressing voice and her reserves +of emotional power to fine effect. Miss LILIAN BRAITHWAITE made her _Lady +Broughton_ nearly credible and less "unsympathetic" than was just. Mr. +DANIELL is new to me. He played one of those difficult foil parts with a +really nice discretion. + +The audience was genuinely pleased. It dragged from the author a becomingly +modest acknowledgment. He _did_ owe a great deal to his players, but a +writer of stage plays need not be ashamed of that. T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ethel (playing at grown-ups)._ "IS YOUR HUSBAND IN THE WAR, +MRS. BROWN?" _Mabel._ "OH YES, OF COURSE, MRS. SMITH." + +_Ethel._ "IS HE IN FRANCE?" _Mabel._ "NO, HE'S IN THE WAR LOAN."] + + * * * * * + +THE PLOT PRECAUTIONARY. + +(_The KAISER addresses his Transatlantic Faithful._) + + Ye stalwart Huns and strident, + Who can't come home again, + Because base Albion's trident, + Though largely on the wane, + Still occupies successfully the surface of the main; + + Give ear, my gallant fellows, + While I the truth declare; + Britain's expiring bellows + Will shortly rend the air; + Wiping the earth up then will be a simplified affair. + + But, while at home our Hunnish + Valour obtains the day, + It must be yours to punish + The craven U.S.A., + Debouching on them unawares from Sinaloa way. + + I make the rough suggestion, + And it shall be your care + To solve the minor question + Of how and when and where, + Aided by Gen. CARRANZA, the party with the hair. + + Some pesos and centavos + He will of course demand + Before he leads his bravos + Across the Rio Grande; + Offer the fellow all he wants--in German notes of hand. + + Meanwhile the Hyphenated, + Busy with bomb and knife, + Will likewise hand the hated + Gringos a taste of strife, + Starting with Colonel ROOSEVELT and the Editor of _Life_. + + These are, in brief, the vistas + That swim before my ken; + So tell the Carranzistas + To up and act like men; + And say the money's coming on, but do not mention when. + + Bid them with sword and fire wreck + The pale Pacific West; + And tell SYLVESTER VIERECK + And BARTHOLDT and the rest + To call the Lagerbund to arms and jump on WILSON'S chest. + + There'll be some opposition-- + That I can quite foresee; + But bear in mind your mission + Must primarily be + To keep the swine-dog Yankees from jumping on to _me_! + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +Our Commercial Stylists. + +"--, SONS & CO., LTD., + +ARE SHOWING A DELIGHTFUL RANGE OF CORSETS, EMBRACING THE MOST APPROVED +MODELS."--_Glasgow Herald._ + + * * * * * + + "Dover: Gas up 5d. a 1,000. + Tunbridge Wells: Gas up 2d. a 1,000. + Lord Selborne is up again, after a chill."--_Evening News._ + +Good, but how much? + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics._) + +_The Snare_ (SECKER) impressed me as a tale emphatically prededicate to the +footlights. Actually, by the way, Mr. RAFAEL SABATINI has dedicated it "to +LEON M. LEON, who told me this story"--which, of course, only strengthens +my belief. Anyhow, it has every mark of the romantic drama--a picturesque +setting, that of the Peninsular War, rich in possibilities for the scenic +and sartorial arts; and a strongly emotional plot, leading up to a +situation that could be relied upon to bring down the house. I shall, of +course, not tell you the plot. It contains a jealous husband, an +injudicious wife, a hero and heroine, a villain (of foreign extraction) and +a god in the machine, who is none other than our IRON DUKE himself. And the +situation in the last Act offers as pretty a piece of table-turning as any +audience need desire. I wish I could explain how the DUKE plays with his +enemies, and finally--but no, I said I wouldn't, and I will keep my word. +Two little carpings, however. Surely it is wrong to speak of "catch +half-penny" journalism in the time of WELLINGTON. My impression is that the +journalists of those days caught at least fourpence by their wares. And I +confess to an emotion of disappointment when the heroine bounced up at the +court-martial and said that the hero couldn't have committed the murder +because he was "in her arms" at the time. Of course he hadn't been; and I +very much doubt whether any Court would have believed her for two minutes. +But leading ladies love saying it, so I suppose the very out-worn device +will have to be retained in the stage version. I look forward to this with +much pleasure. + + * * * * * + +That clever lady, ELINOR MORDAUNT, has collected into the volume that she +calls _Before Midnight_ (CASSELL) a series of short stories of a psychic +(though not always ghostly) character, which, while not very eerie, or on +the same high level, are at their best both original and impressive. The +first of them, which affords excuse for a highly-intriguing cover-picture, +is at once the most spooksome and the least satisfactory. That is to say +that, though it opens with a genuine and quite horrible thrill, the +"explanation" is obscure and tame. Far more successful, to my mind, is "The +Vision," a delicate little idyll of a Midland schoolmarm, to whom is shown +the death of Adonis and the lamenting of his goddess-lover. The writing of +this touches real beauty (the high-fantastic, instead of the merely +high-falutin', which in such connection would have been so fatally easy). +To sum up, though one at least of these "dreams before midnight" may quite +possibly become a nightmare after it, I fancy that, to all lovers of the +occult, the game will be found well worth the bed-room candle. + + * * * * * + +There are qualities in _The Bird of Life_, by GERTRUDE VAUGHAN (CHAPMAN AND +HALL), which cause me to look forward to this lady's future work with very +considerable interest. In the present novel she sets out the life story of +_Rachel_ up to a point boldly given as being beyond the conclusion of the +War, in which, by the way, both her husband and the man whom she ought to +have married are killed on the same day. The first eighty-four pages of the +book raised my hopes very high. They describe with great simplicity and +sympathy the thoughts and feelings, the romances and difficulties, of an +affectionate and lonely little girl living with her _Uncle Matthew_ and her +_Aunt Elizabeth_, and loving them both with a childlike fervour. There is +no exaggeration; the writing goes true to its mark, and the effect designed +by the writer is admirably well made. Then _Uncle Matthew_ dies and +_Rachel_ finds a new home in the Vicarage of _Mr. Venning_, a family man if +ever there was one, for he has fifteen children. From this point the +interest is slightly diluted, and the excellence of the book diminishes. +One does not recognise in the more mature _Rachel_ the girl one had +expected to find after one's initiation into the secrets of her baby mind. +She marries _Edward Venning_, and finds too late that he is, like his +father, made up of convention and narrowness. She plans a disappearance, +and leaves some of her belongings on the edge of a bottomless tarn. Then, +being hypothetically dead, she begins to live her life in her own way. +Later on she returns to _Edward_, "on approval for six months"; but this +period was apparently not sufficient to break the chain that bound her to +Another, and, the War intervening, she is left almost doubly widowed. I +feel that I have not quite done justice to Miss VAUGHAN'S book, but, on the +other hand, I am sure that she has not quite done justice to her +unquestionable talent. + + * * * * * + +A volume entitled _Friends of France: The Field Service of the American +Ambulance_ (SMITH, ELDER) has appeared in a happy hour to remind one, if +that were necessary, that in the great nation that awaits Mr. WILSON'S call +there have always been found some eager to give their services and, if need +be, life itself to prove their love for the other great Republic. I don't +think either you or I will grudge such an affection at this date, founded +historically though it may be on a mutual dislike of ourselves, and +consequently it is a very pleasant impression that is produced by this +record of American efficiency and courage in Red Cross work on the French +front. This being clearly remembered one need not be afraid to admit that +in detail the book will be of interest mainly to the friends of those +concerned, since the method of multiple authorship adopted necessarily +involves overlapping, and a good deal of the volume is given up to +monotonous, though undoubtedly well-earned, "tributes and citations" from +the French authorities. Neither is the bulk of the matter, most generously +illustrated though it is, particularly intriguing, for by now one is +sufficiently familiar with accounts of the removal of wounded under fire +and the sort of work at which these four hundred American University men +proved themselves so adept at half-a-dozen points between Flanders and +Alsace. Americans, long at odds with "ruthlessness" (and at last forced to +the inevitable logical conclusion in regard to it), may well be glad to be +able to point, amongst other creditable things, to this history of service +given without hesitation in acknowledgment of their debt to the +civilisation of the Old World; and we also shall be no less glad to +remember it. + + * * * * * + +It is perhaps natural that in _Winnowed Memories_ (CASSELL), by +Field-Marshal Sir EVELYN WOOD, V.C., one should look at first to see what +references they contain to modern events. On these matters, as on all +others covered by this volume, we are told nothing that is not invigorating +and to the point, and the tributes here paid to the fighting qualities of +our armies of to-day form a fitting conclusion to a book that is full of +sound sense and good cheer. Sir EVELYN has had a vast experience and enjoys +an evergreen vigour. What is rarer still, he has a kindly nature that +admits no trace of the disappointments he must from time to time have +suffered. As everyone knows, he was always an advocate of Compulsory +Universal Service for Home Defence, but he casts no stone at those who so +long and parlously delayed to learn their lesson. Like the true soldier +that he is, he seems to have no time or taste for those recriminations +which are best left to small political fry. And I rejoice that in a book of +such authority the note is largely one of happiness and hope. + + * * * * * + +"Owing to congestion on the railways there is a food shortage in Petrograd, +which has led some of the less irresponsible citizens to demonstrate during +the session of the Council of the Empire and the Duma."--_Daily Sketch._ + +Subsequent news shows that "less irresponsible" was not a misprint but a +prophecy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sympathetic Newsboy (to proprietor of Coffee Stall.)_ "WOT +YER TRYIN' TO DO WIV THE OLD 'OTEL, GUVNER? TAKIN' IT 'OME FOR FEAR OF +'AVIN' IT COMMANDEERED?"] + + * * * * * + + "It is claimed that about thirty Merman firms construct the Diesel + motors originally used for submarines."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +We wish these motors a speedy return to the fishy scenes of their origin. + + * * * * * + + "Several eligible sires for workmen's dwellings, of which some 300 are + needed, have been selected by the Southport Town Planning + Committee."--_Daily Paper._ + +They must not be confused with "the rude forefathers of the hamlet" +mentioned by GRAY. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +152, March 21, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14455-8.txt or 14455-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/5/14455/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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