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diff --git a/14455-h/14455-h.htm b/14455-h/14455-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..73284a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14455-h/14455-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1689 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, March 21st, 1917.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14455 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 21st, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + +<h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3> + + <p>There is a convict at Pentonville who is said to be exactly like the + KAISER. He feels that in view of the great inconvenience he has suffered + it is the KAISER'S duty at once to remove his moustache or grow side + whiskers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The KAISER is in a bit of a hole. Attending a special service for the + success of the War, he is reported to have "sung the <i>De Profundis</i> + at the top of his voice." All the rest of him, including the lower part + of his voice, seems to have been submerged.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The revolutionary spirit in Germany seems to have extended to the + vegetable kingdom. In a riot at Barmen which occurred recently the chief + of police was "seriously wounded" by a turnip.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> states that for appearing at a private + concert a famous opera singer has been paid in food, including sixty + eggs. The custom is not unknown to some of our own music-hall artistes, + who however are usually more than content with receiving "the bird."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a <i>Globe</i> report Mr. CHARLES GULLIVER is giving at + the Palladium "a programme of real entertainers." Enterprise and + originality are always to be commended in a manager.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A telegram from Mexico City announces that General CARRANZA has been + elected President of the Mexican Republic. It is expected that a full + list of the casualties will be published shortly.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Melbourne despatch states that Mr. HUGHES has been offered + thirty-four seats in the forthcoming elections. The Opposition, it is + understood, has expressed its willingness to allow Mr. HUGHES to occupy + all thirty-four.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>So effective has been the attempt to reduce circulation that we are + not surprised to find a provincial paper advertising in <i>The Daily + Telegraph</i> for "A Reader."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"There is no monument more enduring than brass," writes Mr. GEORGE + BERNARD SHAW, War Correspondent. The general feeling, however, is that + there is a kind of brass that is beyond enduring.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The idea of blaming <i>Queen Elizabeth</i> for the Dardanelles fiasco + is so entirely satisfactory to all parties concerned that it is being + freely asked why the Commission couldn't have thought of that itself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The new order prohibiting newspapers from printing contents bills is + bearing hardly in certain quarters, and it is rumoured that at least one + sensational contemporary has offered to forgo publishing itself in return + for the privilege of selling its posters.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>By order of the General Officer Commanding the London District the + Grafton Galleries have been placed out of bounds. Or, as they say in the + best War-time dancing circles, out of leaps and bounds.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/177.png"><img width="100%" src="images/177thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + PROGRESS. + </div> +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Kensington Council states that 300,000 tons of food are consumed + annually by thousands of dogs which serve no useful purpose. The dogs, on + the other hand, are asking what would become of the nation's womanhood if + there were no dogs to take it out for exercise in the afternoon.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Government, it appears, is determined to keep Charing Cross + Railway Station on the North side of the river. All the objections to the + present site, they point out, are easily outweighed by its proximity to + the National Gallery.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>At Highgate, says a news item, a man named YELLS was fined for having + in his possession pork which was not sound. It was suggested that + defendant had held back the squeal for his own purposes.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An applicant recently informed the House of Commons' Tribunal that + cutting sandwiches was highly skilled work, which could not be done + satisfactorily by women. The difficulty appears to consist not in the + actual cutting, but in conveying the hammy taste from the knife to the + bread without actually parting with the ham itself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Skipping is recommended as a healthy recreation. Several Germans on + the Ancre say they already owe their lives to this practice.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is now proposed that Telephone Directories should be charged for. + The idea appears to be to bring them into line with other light + literature; but <i>Punch</i> fears no rivals.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It has been decided by Mr. PAUL TAYLOR at Marylebone that bacon is + meat. Lord DEVONPORT, now that his suspicion has been judicially + confirmed, has announced his intention of going ahead on that basis.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a school-girl's examination paper:—"<i>Question.</i> What + do you know of Tantalus? <i>Answer</i>: Tantalus suffered from continual + hunger and thirst in internal regions."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3> + +<p class="center">III.</p> + +<p class="center">ITS OWN REWARD.</p> + + <p>"What fun!" cried the wasp.</p> + + <p>"Where?" asked the bee looking up with a subdued smile.</p> + + <p>"I mean I can't help laughing," said the wasp.</p> + + <p>"A disgusting habit," said the bee.</p> + + <p>"Look at those people nearly out of their wits. Here goes for old + Bless-my-Soul again!" He flew off and buzzed round the old gentleman's + neck and then flew back to the bee, laughing louder than ever at his + purple rage.</p> + + <p>"I don't know what you think of your conduct," said the bee severely, + "but I think it is insects like you who give us all a bad name."</p> + + <p>"Be hanged to your bad name," scoffed the wasp. "A short life and a + merry one, say I."</p> + + <p>"A busy life and a useful one, rather," said the bee. "I am proud to + be the friend of man."</p> + + <p>"Good heavens!" shouted the wasp. "Here comes old Bless-my-Soul bent + on murder. Look out! I'm going for his neck."</p> + + <p>Old Bless-my-Soul slashed wildly with his table-napkin and slew the + bee. He went back triumphantly with his spoil.</p> + + <p>"A bee!" shouted everybody. "I thought it was a wasp. I didn't know + bees were like that."</p> + + <p>"All insects are vicious," said old Bless-my-Soul.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + + <blockquote>"LONDON PAVILION. CHEERIO! at 8.30.—'Just the thing for + a dull evening.'"—<i>Daily News.</i></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"A few of the waiting women abandoned hope of getting + potatoes, and substituted the purchase by parsnips and + sweres."—<i>Daily Mirror.</i></blockquote> + + <p>In the circumstances who shall blame them?</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>NOTICE.</h3> + + <p>In order to meet the national need for economy in the consumption of + paper, the Proprietors of <i>Punch</i> are compelled to reduce the number + of its pages, but propose that the amount of matter published in + <i>Punch</i> shall by condensation and compression be maintained and + even, it is hoped, increased.</p> + + <p>It is further necessary that means should be taken to restrict the + circulation of <i>Punch</i>, and its price has been raised to Sixpence. + The Proprietors believe that the public will prefer an increase of price + to a reduction of matter.</p> + + <p>Readers are urged to place an order with their Newsagent for the + regular delivery of copies, as <i>Punch</i> may otherwise be + unobtainable, the shortage of paper making imperative the withdrawal from + Newsagents of the "on-sale-or-return" privilege.</p> + + <p>In consequence of the increase in the price of <i>Punch</i> the period + covered by subscriptions already paid direct to the <i>Punch</i> Office + will be proportionately shortened; or the unexpired value will be + refunded, if desired.</p> + + <p>The next issue of <i>Punch</i> (March 28th) will be a Navy Double + Number, price Sixpence. The Proprietors regret that arrangements for this + Number were completed before the further drastic restrictions in the + paper supply were announced.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" src="images/178thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Unlucky One</i> (<i>after perusing latest list of honours</i>). + "NEVER HAVE HAD ANY LUCK. MONTHS AGO I SAVED A SERGEANT CHAP FROM A + ROTTEN PLACE—CARRIED THE FELLOW ALL THE WAY BACK—AND TOLD + HIM NOT TO SAY A WORD ABOUT IT!"</p> + + <p><i>Friend.</i> "WELL, WHAT'S WRONG? HAS HE BEEN TALKING?"</p> + + <p><i>Unlucky One.</i> "NOT A WORD, CURSE HIM!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE MUD LARKS.</h3> + + <p>When I was young, my parents sent me to a boarding school, not in any + hopes of getting me educated, but because they wanted a quiet home.</p> + + <p>At that boarding school I met one Frederick Delane Milroy, a chubby + flame-coloured brat who had no claims to genius, excepting as a + <i>littérateur</i>.</p> + + <p>The occasion that established his reputation with the pen was a + Natural History essay. We were given five sheets of foolscap, two hours + and our own choice of subject. I chose the elephant, I remember, having + once been kind to one through the medium of a bag of nuts.</p> + + <p>Frederick D. Milroy headed his effort "THE FERT" in large capitals, + and began, "The fert is a noble animal—" He got no further, the + extreme nobility of the ferret having apparently blinded him to its other + characteristics.</p> + + <p>The other day, as I was wandering about on the "line," dodging Bosch + crumps with more agility than grace, I met Milroy (Frederick Delane) once + more.</p> + + <p>He was standing at the entrance of a cosy little funk-hole, his boots + and tunic undone, sniffing the morning nitro-glycerine. He had swollen + considerably since our literary days, but was wearing his hair as red as + ever, and I should have known it anywhere—on the darkest night. I + dived for him and his hole, pushed him into it, and re-introduced myself. + He remembered me quite well, shook my chilblains heartily, and invited me + further underground for tea and talk.</p> + + <p>It was a nice hole, cramped and damp, but very deep, and with those + Bosch love-tokens thudding away upstairs I felt that the nearer Australia + the better. But the rats! Never before have I seen rats in such + quantities; they flowed unchidden all over the dug-out, rummaged in the + cupboards, played kiss-in-the-ring in the shadows, and sang and brawled + behind the old oak panelling until you could barely hear yourself shout. + I am fond of animals, but I do not like having to share my tea with a + bald-headed rodent who gets noisy in his cups, or having a brace of + high-spirited youngsters wrestle out the championship of the district on + my bread-and-butter.</p> + + <p>Freddy apologised for them; they were getting a bit above themselves, + he was afraid, but they were seldom dangerous, seldom attacked one + unprovoked. "Live and let live" was their motto. For all that they + <i>did</i> get a trifle <i>de trop</i> sometimes; he himself had lost his + temper when he awoke one morning to find a brawny rat sitting on his face + combing his whiskers in mistake for his own (a pardonable error in the + dark); and, determining to teach them a lesson, had bethought him of his + old friend, the noble fert. He therefore sent home for two of the + best.</p> + + <p>The ferrets arrived in due course, received the names Burroughs and + Welcome, were blessed and turned loose.</p> + + <p>They had had a rough trip over at the bottom of the mail sack and were + looking for trouble. An old rat strolled out of his club to see what all + the noise was about, and got the excitement he needed. Seven friends came + to his funeral and never smiled again. There was great rejoicing in that + underground Mess that evening; Burroughs and Welcome were fêted on bully + beef and condensed milk, and made honorary members.</p> + + <p>For three days the good work went on; there was weeping in the + cupboards and gnashing of teeth behind the old oak panelling. Then on the + fourth day Burroughs and Welcome disappeared, and the rats swarmed to + their own again. The deserters were found a week later; they had wormed + through a system of rat-holes into the next dug-out, inhabited by the + Atkinses, and had remained there, honoured guests.</p> + + <p>It is the nature of the British Atkins to make a pet of anything, from + a toad to a sucking pig—he cannot help it. The story about St. + George, doyen of British soldiers, killing that dragon—nonsense! He + would have spanked it, may be, until it promised to reform, then given it + a cigarette, and taken it home to amuse the children. To return to our + ferrets, Burroughs and Welcome provided no exception to the rule; they + were taught to sit up and beg, and lie down and die, to turn handsprings + and play the mouth-organ; they were gorged with Maconochie, plum jam and + rum ration; it was doubtful if they ever went to bed sober. Times out of + number they were borne back to the Officers' Mess and exhorted to do + their bit, but they returned immediately to their friends the Atkinses, + <i>viâ</i> their private route, not unnaturally preferring a life of + continuous carousal and vaudeville among the flesh-pots to sapping and + mining down wet rat-holes.</p> + + <p>Freddy was of opinion that, when the battalion proceeded up Unter den + Linden, Burroughs and Welcome would be with it as regimental mascots, + marching behind the band, bells on their fingers, rings on their toes. He + also assured me that if he ever again has to write an essay on the Fert, + its characteristics, the adjective "noble" will not figure so + prominently.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>HERBS OF GRACE.</h3> + +<p class="center">III.</p> + +<p class="center">SWEET MARJORAM.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!"</i></p> + <p class="i2">(Sang an old dame standing on the kerb);</p> + <p>"You may hear a thousand ballads,</p> + <p>You may pick a thousand salads,</p> + <p class="i2">Ere you light on such another herb.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!</i></p> + <p class="i2">(Let its virtues evermore be sung);</p> + <p>Oh, 'twill make your Sunday clo'es gay,</p> + <p>If you wear it in a nosegay,</p> + <p class="i2">Pretty mistress, like when I was young.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!</i></p> + <p class="i2">(Sing of sweet old gardens all a-glow);</p> + <p>It will scent your dower drawer, dear,</p> + <p>Folk would strew it on the floor, dear,</p> + <p class="i2">Long ago—long ago—long ago.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Sweet Marjoram! Sweet Marjoram!"</i></p> + <p class="i2"><i>(Sang the old dame standing on the kerb);</i></p> + <p><i>"You may hear a thousand ballads,</i></p> + <p><i>You may pick a thousand salads,</i></p> + <p class="i2"><i>Ere you light on such another herb."</i></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"The recipients [of the medals] were:—Sergeant W.A. + Norris, D.C.M. and Military Private A. Trichney, M.M., andtootompPUF. + Medal ..." <i>Daily Paper.</i></blockquote> + + <p>Private TRICHNEY'S second distinction was awarded presumably for + something extra good in the bombing line.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Lord Beauchamp, opening an Economy Exhibition at Gloucester + on Saturday, said that among many interesting exhibits was one described + as 'Frocks for the twins from Uncle's pyjamas.' He hoped that the child + who sent this exhibit would get the prize it deserved."—<i>Daily + Mail.</i></blockquote> + + <p>Uncle has probably seen to that.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/179.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h2>THE BREAKING OF THE FETTERS.</h2> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> + +<h3>ELLA REEVE.</h3> + + <p>One can't be too careful how one boasts, especially if there is the + chance of the boast being put quickly to the proof. In fact, it is better + perhaps not to boast at all.</p> + + <p>I was sitting with a friend and a stranger in a London restaurant, + having joined their table for coffee. The stranger, on introduction, + turned out to be connected with the stage in some capacity as agent, and + among his regular clients were the managers of various big provincial + theatres, for whom he provided the leading lights of pantomime, or, as he + would call it, panto. Panto was indeed the mainstay of his business; it + was even the warp and woof of his life. He lived for panto, he thought + panto, and he talked panto. No one, according to him, had a more abysmal + knowledge of principal boys with adequate legs, principal (if that is + still the word) girls with sufficient voices, contralto fairy queens with + abundant bosoms, basso demon kings, Prince Dandinis, Widow Twankays, Ugly + Sisters, and all the other personages of this strange grease-paint + mythology of ours. Listening to him, I learned—as those who are + humble in spirit may learn of all men. I learned, for example, that Ugly + Sisters are at Christmas-time always Ugly Sisters, and very often use + again the same dialogue, merely transferring themselves from, say, + Glasgow to Wigan, or from Bristol to Dublin; and this will be their + destiny until they become such very old men that not even the kindly + British public will stand it any longer. England, it seems, is full of + performers who, touring the halls from March to December, are then + claimed for panto as her own, arriving a little before Christmas not less + regularly than the turkey; and the aim of all of them is as nearly as + possible to do the next Christmas what they did last Christmas.</p> + + <p>Not only did my new acquaintance know all these people, their + capabilities and the lowest salary that could be offered to them with any + chance of acceptance, but he was also, it seemed, beloved by them all. + Between agent and client never in the history of the world had such + charming relations subsisted as between every pro. on his books and + himself.</p> + + <p>It was then that Ella Reeve came in.</p> + + <p>Accompanied by two expensive-looking men, whose ancestors had beyond + any doubt crossed the Red Sea with Moses, this new and glittering star, + who had but just "made good," or "got over," or "clicked" (my new + acquaintance used all these phrases indiscriminately when referring to + his own Herschellian triumphs as a watcher of the skies), walked + confidently to a distant table which was being held in reserve for her + party, and drew off her gloves with the happy anticipatory assurance of + one who is about to lunch a little too well. (All this, I should say, + happened before the War. I am reminded of it to-day by the circumstance + that I have just heard of the death of the agent whom I then met.)</p> + + <p>The impact of the lady on this gentleman was terrific.</p> + + <p>"Look, look!" he said. "That's Ella Reeve, one of my discoveries. She + was principal boy at Blackpool two years ago. I put her there. She got + fifteen pounds a week, and to-day she gets two hundred. I spotted her in + a chorus, asked her to call and see me, and this is the result. I made + her. There's nothing she wouldn't do for me, she's so grateful. If she + knew I was in the room she'd be over here in a jiffy."</p> + + <p>Having told us all this, he, being a very normal man, told it again, + all the while craning his neck in the hope that his old client (she had + now, it seemed, passed out of his hands, having forsaken panto for London + and revue) might catch sight of his dear face. But she was far too much + occupied either with the lobster on her plate or with the yellow fluid, + strange to me, that moved restlessly in a long-stemmed shallow glass at + her side.</p> + + <p>And then, being, as I say, not in any way an eccentric or exorbitant + character, the agent told it us a third time, with a digression here and + there as to the deep friendships that members of his profession could + form and cement if only they were decent fellows and not mere + money-grubbing machines out for nothing but their commission. "That's + what the wise man does," he concluded; "he makes real friends with his + clients, such as I did with Ella Reeve. The result is we never had any + hitches, and there's nothing she wouldn't do for me. She's a + darling!"</p> + + <p>Getting a little tired of this, but obviously anything but unwilling + to shake the new star's slender hand and listen to the vivacious flow of + speech from such attractive lips, my friend said at last, "Well, as you + and she are such pals, and as she has only to know that you are here to + jump over the tables to get to you, why not send your card to her?"</p> + + <p>The agent agreed, and we watched the waiter threading his way among + the tables towards that one at which the new and grateful star was seated + and hand the card to her.</p> + + <p>The end of this story is so tragic that I should prefer not to tell + it.</p> + + <p>Ella Reeve took the card, read it, laid it down, and resumed + conversation with her friends. She did not even glance in our + direction.</p> + + <p>I felt sorry for the agent, whose mortification was very real, though + he made a brave effort to carry it off; and now that he is dead I feel + sorrier. As for Ella Reeve (which is not really her name, but one which + with great ingenuity I devised for her from the French: thus, <i>Elle + arrive</i>) I often see her, under her true style, in her triumphs, and I + always wonder whether her treatment of the agent, or his assurance of her + dependence on his cordiality, represents more nearly the truth. She looks + such a good sort. Some day, when the War is over, I must acquire a shiny + tall hat and a glossy shirt front and a youthful manner and get someone + to introduce me, and then, bit by bit, extract the truth.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the fact remains that it is dangerous to boast.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/180.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Tommy (back from Blighty)</i>. "YUS, I GRANT YER A BIT O' LEAVE'S + ALL RIGHT. BUT IT'S AWFUL DEPRESSIN', TOO, AT HOME—NOTHIN' BUT + WAR—WAR! IT GIVES YER THE FAIR 'UMP."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"JAPANESE POLITICS.</p> + +<p class="center">PRIME MINISTER'S ATTACK ON THE +DIET."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + <p>We wouldn't be the Food Controller in Japan for anything.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Wanted situation as Groom Coachman or Coachman General; + disengaged early in March; can milk and care motor if + required."—<i>Irish Paper</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>A modern improvement, we suppose, on "the cow with the iron tail."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"At a special meeting of the Duma held to-day, the Minister + for Agriculture, M. Rittich, in reply to an urgent question on the + measures for supplying Petrograd, stated the supplies were sufficient for + the present. Difficulties in purchase are due to excessive building and + storing by individuals in the shape of rusks."—<i>Daily + Chronicle</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>No authority for this remarkable statement is given, but we suspect + the <i>Russky Invalid</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"A trifle of a trinket for his women-folk is the only saving + as an insurance for the poor against famine and starvation for a rainless + day."—<i>A Native Writer in "The Times of India."</i></blockquote> + + <p>KIPLING was right, East is East and West is West.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"The undersigned has great pleasure in informing all the + ladies, gentlemen and the other travellers in the Station that a very + nice comfortable motor car can be obtained on hire from him for a walk in + or out of the Station for any period of time at very reasonable + charges."—<i>Peshawar Daily News</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>The petrol shortage evidently extends to India.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Ireland is accustomed to disappointment; she is accustomed + to what she signalises as betrayal, but her spirit remains unbroken, and + she goes on her way undaunted to seek, it may be by new methods and a new + road, her appointed gaol."—<i>Manchester Guardian.</i></blockquote> + + <p>Irishmen may justifiably resent this cynicism on the part of an old + friend.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/181a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/181athumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>A MODIFIED SALIENT.</h3> + + <p><i>The Old 'Un (surveying recently called-up warrior).</i> "WELL, + JARGE, YOU'M STILL TURR'BLE FAT, BUT THE ARMY DO ZEEM TO 'AVE + REARRANGED IT, LIKE."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>GOLD BRAID.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Same old crossing, same old boat,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old dust round Rouen way,</p> + <p>Same old narsty one-franc note,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old "Mercy, sivvoo play;"</p> + <p>Same old scramble up the line,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old 'orse-box, same old stror,</p> + <p>Same old weather, wet or fine,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old blooming War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4"><i>Ho Lor, it isn't a dream,</i></p> + <p class="i6"><i>It's just as it used to be, every bit;</i></p> + <p class="i4"><i>Same old whistle and same old bang,</i></p> + <p class="i6"><i>And me to stay 'ere till I'm 'it.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas up by Loos I got me first;</p> + <p class="i2">I just dropped gently, crawled a yard</p> + <p>And rested sickish, with a thirst—</p> + <p class="i2">The 'eat, I thought, and smoking 'ard ...</p> + <p>Then someone offers me a drink,</p> + <p class="i2">What poets call "the cooling draft,"</p> + <p>And seeing 'im I done a think:</p> + <p class="i2">"<i>Blighty</i>," I thinks—and laughed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm not a soldier natural,</p> + <p class="i2">No more than most of us to-day;</p> + <p>I runs a business with a pal</p> + <p class="i2">(Meaning the Missis) Fulham way;</p> + <p>Greengrocery—the cabbages</p> + <p class="i2">And fruit and things I take meself,</p> + <p>And she has daffs and crocuses</p> + <p class="i2">A-smiling on a shelf.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Blighty," I thinks. The doctor knows;</p> + <p class="i2">'E talks of punctured damn-the-things.</p> + <p>It's me for Blighty. Down I goes;</p> + <p class="i2">I ain't a singer, but I sings;</p> + <p>"Oh, 'oo goes 'ome?" I sort of 'ums;</p> + <p class="i2">"Oh, 'oo's for dear old England's shores?"</p> + <p>And by-and-by Southampton comes—</p> + <p> "Blighty!" I says and roars.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I s'pose I thort I done my bit;</p> + <p class="i2">I s'pose I thort the War would stop;</p> + <p>I saw myself a-getting fit</p> + <p class="i2">With Missis at the little shop;</p> + <p>The same like as it used to be,</p> + <p class="i2">The same old markets, same old crowd.</p> + <p>The same old marrers, same old me,</p> + <p class="i2">But 'er as proud as proud....</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The regiment is where it was,</p> + <p class="i2">I'm in the same old ninth platoon;</p> + <p>New faces most, and keen becos</p> + <p class="i2">They 'ope the thing is ending soon;</p> + <p>I ain't complaining, mind, but still,</p> + <p class="i2">When later on some newish bloke</p> + <p>Stops one and laughs, "A blighty, Bill,"</p> + <p class="i2">I'll wonder, "Where's the joke?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Same old trenches, same old view,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old rats and just as tame,</p> + <p>Same old dug-outs, nothing new,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old smell, the very same,</p> + <p>Same old bodies out in front,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old <i>strafe</i> from 2 till 4,</p> + <p>Same old scratching, same old 'unt,</p> + <p class="i2">Same old bloody War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4"><i>Ho Lor, it isn't a dream,</i></p> + <p class="i6"><i>It's just as it used to be, every bit;</i></p> + <p class="i4"><i>Same old whistle and same old bang</i></p> + <p class="i6"><i>And me out again to be 'it.</i></p> + <p class="i16">A.A.M.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/181b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/181bthumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + THE NEW POSTER. + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"The important now development in the cotton situation is + that the ½ Prime Minister has consented to receive a + deputation."—<i>Manchester Guardian.</i></blockquote> + + <p>All the same, he refused to adopt a ½ measure.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"The history of the development of the ¾eppelin is + well-known."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></blockquote> + + <p>Particularly since our airmen ceased to give it any quarter.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an official notice of the sale of an enemy business:—</p> + + <blockquote>"Lot 2. The goodwill of the business of the company attaching + to goods shipped from England to Nigeria, marked with the unregistered or + common-law trade-marks known as 'Eagle on Rocks' and 'Lion and + Flag.'"</blockquote> + + <p>We are not surprised to hear of the "Eagle on Rocks" when it had the + "Lion and Flag" after it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/182.png"><img width="100%" src="images/182thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>TILLERS OF THE SOIL.</h3> + + STUDY OF URBAN DWELLERS PREPARING FOR THE WORST. + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE JOY-RIDER AT THE FRONT.</h3> + + <blockquote>(<i>Being a free version of Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S articles in + "The Daily Chronicle" on his visit to the seat of War</i>.)</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Since the good man, RAMSAY MACDONALD, while touring in the East</p> + <p>Went out to shoot the tiger, that homicidal beast,</p> + <p>The most electrifying humanitarian stunt</p> + <p>Has been my khaki joy-ride along the British Front.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"It wasn't my own suggestion; I went as the Government's guest,</p> + <p>Invited to see how the brass-hats were running the show on the West;</p> + <p>I've never been sweet on soldiers, but I only went for a week,</p> + <p>And it gave me heaps of chances of studying war technique.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If they really thought to convert me by the loan of a khaki suit,</p> + <p>Or by conferring upon me the right to claim a salute,</p> + <p>It wouldn't at all surprise me, for dullards have always tried</p> + <p>To bribe true men of genius to take the popular side.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Well, I went, I saw, I 'joy-rode,' and my verdict remains the same;</p> + <p>There's no use having a country unless she's always to blame;</p> + <p>For of all the appalling prospects that human life can lend</p> + <p>The worst is to be unable to play the candid friend.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Men talk of France, the Martyr; of her precious blood outpoured;</p> + <p>Of the innocent helpless victims of the brutal Hunnish horde;</p> + <p>Presuming, insensate idiots, to label as beast and brute</p> + <p>The race that has always held me in the very highest repute!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"While France has failed completely, at least in those later days,</p> + <p>To show appreciation of my Prefaces and Plays;</p> + <p>It wouldn't be therefore worthy of a genuine superman</p> + <p>To show undue compassion for the sorrows of 'Marianne.'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And as for the sheer destruction of noble and ancient fanes</p> + <p>Which the prejudiced Hun-hater indignantly arraigns,</p> + <p>The simple truth compels me in honesty to state</p> + <p>That the style of some ruined buildings was utterly second-rate.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But to quit these trivial matters—let weaklings wail and weep,</p> + <p>The loss of a few cathedrals will never affect my sleep—</p> + <p>What lifts this Armageddon to an altitude sublime</p> + <p>Is the crowning fact that it gave me a perfectly glorious time.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"As an ultra-neutral observer I entered the battle zone</p> + <p>And emerged unmoved, unshaken, with a heart as cool as a stone;</p> + <p>No sight could touch or daunt me, no sound my soul untune;</p> + <p>From pity or tears or sorrow I still remained immune.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I own that before my arrival I felt an occasional qualm</p> + <p>Lest the shock of the unexpected might shatter my wonted calm;</p> + <p>But it gave me the richest rapture to find I was wholly free</p> + <p>From the crude and vulgar emotions that harass the plain V.C.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I inspected the great war-engine, and, instead of its going strong,</p> + <p>I saw that in each of its workings there was always something wrong;</p> + <p>In fact, with the old black powder and the obsolete Brown Bess</p> + <p>The chances of missing your target were infinitely less.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The so-called arm of precision scores only by lucky hits,</p> + <p>Though the 'heavies' and high explosives may possibly blow you to bits;</p> + <p>I saw one corpse on my 'joy-ride,' the head had been blown away,</p> + <p>And the thought of this painless ending produced in me no dismay."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Now he's back in the finest feather from his holiday with the Staff,</i></p> + <p><i>And we're sure that no one will grudge him the meed of this epitaph:</i></p> + <p><i>"He went through the fiery furnace, but never a hair was missed</i></p> + <p><i>From the heels of our most colossal Arch-Super-Egotist."</i></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"GREAT WHITE SALE.</p> + +<p class="center">UNREPEATABLE BARGAINS IN LINGERIE."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + <p>We respect this reticence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"The public are responding but slowly to the appeal of the + Post Office to facilitate the delay of correspondence in London by using + the new numbered addresses."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></blockquote> + + <p>If that is really the object, why hurry?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/183.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h2>CANCELLED</h2> + + BY ORDER OF THE COMPETENT MILITARY AUTHORITY. + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + + <p><i>Monday, March 12th.</i>—Having declared war upon the + Government the Nationalists are seeking a suitable plan of campaign. The + Home Rule demand never obtained much support among the Irish farmers + until FINTAN LALOR hitched it on to the Land question, and ever since Mr. + WYNDHAM'S Land Purchase Act turned the tenants into prospective owners it + has been steadily losing momentum. Mr. GINNELL, who made his reputation + as a perverse species of cowboy, now witnesses with grim satisfaction the + efforts of his colleagues to borrow his policy and break up the grass + farms. It was rather hard on him that the Parliamentary printer should + have ruined one of his questions on the subject by making him say "that + the reason"—instead of the season—"for breaking this land is + passing away."</p> + + <p>The HOME SECRETARY is regarded by those who do not know him intimately + as a somewhat austere person, but given the right atmosphere he can be as + lively as anybody. Questioned about the reopening of Ciro's, he betrayed + a minute acquaintance with the details of its programme. I was beginning + to wonder if he were related to that famous Early-Victorian family, the + Caves of Harmony, when his knowledge broke down. On being asked by his + old friend Mr. BUTCHER to define a cabaret-entertainment he was + nonplussed, and could only refer him to Colonel LOCKWOOD as a probable + authority.</p> + + <p>No one was more delighted at Mr. BONAR LAW'S announcement of the + capture of Baghdad than the Member for Cockermouth, who knows the region + well. Mesopotamia may or may not be the Garden of Eden, but Baghdad was + at one time unquestionably the abode of BLISS.</p> + + <p>Mr. CATHCART WASON was a little puzzled when Mr. FORSTER informed him + that the peeling of potatoes by Army cooks is strictly forbidden, "except + when the dietary of the troops makes it necessary." Why should there be + any exception at all, he wondered, until a neighbour, better informed + about the new meat-ration, whispered, "Sausages and <i>mashed</i>."</p> + + <p>A grave statement by Mr. MACPHERSON as to the recent losses of the + Royal Flying Corps on the Western Front, and the increased activity of + the German airmen, created some natural depression, which might have been + more pronounced had not Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING seized the occasion to + reiterate his charges of "Murder" already condemned as baseless by two + judicial tribunals. The House will do anything in reason, but it refuses + to accompany Mr. BILLING in his flights of imagination.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, March 13th.</i>—In the Lords, the Bill to deprive + enemy peers of their titles was supported by Lord MIDLETON, who nobly + offered to sacrifice his Red Eagle on the altar of patriotism. On the + other hand Lord COURTNEY condemned it; but there is no truth in the story + that the Yellow Waistcoat which he habitually wears was originally + conferred upon him by the KAISER. It is, I understand, an example of + protective colouring, designed to ward off the attacks of the Yellow + Press.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, March 14th.</i>—The explosive qualities of cotton + when suitably combined with other ingredients are well known. Of these + ingredients the Lancashire spirit is perhaps the most potent. Mr. AUSTEN + CHAMBERLAIN began his defence of the proposed Indian cotton duties with + an appeal to Imperial sentiment based upon what India had done and was + doing. The Maharajah of BIKANIR, seated in the Distinguished Strangers' + Gallery, listened with appreciation to the praises of his famous Camel + Corps. Then followed what might be called the Home Rule argument—we + could not refuse what the Indian people so much desired—delivered + with so much earnestness that Mr. JEREMIAH MACVEAGH loudly invited Mr. + CHAMBERLAIN to "come over and sit on these benches."</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/184.png"><img width="100%" src="images/184thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>MEGAPHONES FOR MINISTERS. A SUGGESTION FROM THE PRESS GALLERY.</p> + </div> + <p>But his best card was his last, when, after a tribute to Mr. ASQUITH'S + "loyalty to colleagues," which roused tremendous cheering from the + Liberals, he invited the late Prime Minister to cast his vote with the + Government. Mr. ASQUITH did even more, for at the end of a speech, + critical but not censorious, he suggested an amendment to the Resolution + which enabled his Free Trade followers to "save their face." A few + stalwarts from Lancashire insisted none the less on taking a division, + and were joined on general principles by the Nationalists and other + habitual malcontents. But India, the Government and Mr. ASQUITH had the + comfortable majority of 140.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, March 15th.</i>—Under the present rules of + procedure (the products of Irish obstruction in the past) the + Nationalists find it difficult to put their declaration of war against + the Government to much effect. Their best chance comes during the first + hour of the sitting, and their most useful weapon is the Supplementary + Question. No sooner has Mr. DUKE read the official reply to the inquiry + on the Paper than there comes a strident "Arising out of that, Mr. + SPEAKER-R." Fortunately the CHIEF SECRETARY possesses a Job-like + patience, and is rarely betrayed into any departure from his polite if + somewhat ponderous manner. To badger Mr. BIRRELL was an exciting pastime + rather like punching the ball. To heckle Mr. DUKE is like hammering a + sandbag.</p> + + <p>It would be interesting to know how many Members of the House of + Commons have volunteered under the National Service scheme. I only know + of one; that is Dr. MACNAMARA, who modestly avowed the fact when + challenged by Mr. PRINGLE, though I doubt whether the Admiralty will + consent to dispense with his services. On the other hand I only know of + one who has not; and that is Mr. PRINGLE himself, who, on the same + challenge being put to him, replied, "No, and don't intend." There is + evidently someone, possibly Mr. HOGGE, who thinks Mr. PRINGLE'S present + services indispensable to the winning of the War.</p> + + <p>The debate on the new Vote of Credit dragged along in a thin and + somnolent House until Mr. BONAR LAW woke it up with the startling news + that there had been a revolution in Russia, and that the TSAR had + abdicated. Everybody seemed pleased, including Mr. DEVLIN, who was quite + statesmanlike in his appreciation. But no one noticed that henceforward + we must rank the late Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN among the prophets. + Addressing the Members of the Inter-parliamentary Conference assembled in + the Palace of Westminster on July 23rd, 1906, just after the dissolution + of Russia's first elected Parliament, he said, "<i>La Duma est morte; + vive la Duma!</i>" For a Prime Minister this outburst was regarded as a + little tactless; its essential wisdom has been justified by the + event.</p> + + <p><i>Friday, March 16th.</i>—To-morrow being St. Patrick's Day, + Mr. BONAR LAW seized the opportunity to address a little homily to + Members from Ireland. Unless they mend their ways pretty soon they may + have to go back to their constituents and tackle the Sinn Feiners + themselves.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>WINGED VICTORY.</h3> + +<p class="center">"<i>Per ardua ad astra.</i>"</p> + +<p class="center">"One of our machines did not return."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I like to think it did not fall to earth,</p> + <p class="i2">A wounded bird that trails a broken wing,</p> + <p>But to the heavenly blue that gave it birth</p> + <p class="i2">Faded in silence, a mysterious thing,</p> + <p>Cleaving its radiant course where honour lies,</p> + <p>Like a winged victory mounting to the skies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The clouds received it and the pathless night;</p> + <p class="i2">Swift as a flame, its eager force unspent,</p> + <p>We saw no limit to its daring flight;</p> + <p class="i2">Only its pilot knew the way it went,</p> + <p>And how it pierced the maze of flickering stars</p> + <p>Straight to its goal in the red planet Mars.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So to the entrance of that fiery gate,</p> + <p class="i2">Borne by no current, driven by no breeze,</p> + <p>Knowing no guide but some compelling fate,</p> + <p class="i2">Bold navigators of uncharted seas,</p> + <p>Courage and youth went proudly sweeping by,</p> + <p>To win the unchallenged freedom of the sky.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page185" id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/185.png"><img width="100%" src="images/185thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Curate (to unfailing supporter).</i> "OH, MISS TOOTSBY, IT'S GOOD + TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN. IT WOULDN'T SEEM LIKE A JUMBLE SALE WITHOUT + YOU."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h3> + + <p>(<i>Enter PASHA and the Sultan of TURKEY.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> Then you want me to press the GERMAN KAISER to come + to Constantinople and pay me a visit. Is that it?</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> Yes, your Majesty, that is about it. It would produce a + splendid effect on the populace and would electrify the soldiers.</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> But I've already told you that I cordially dislike + this KAISER of yours. Wherever he goes he turns everything upside down, + and there's not a moment's peace or repose for anybody. He must have + reviews of troops morning, noon and night, and it's all quite useless, + for our Generals tell me that he doesn't really understand anything about + soldiers and their movements. You know they've had to keep him away from + the fighting, both in France and Russia, because he would insist on + giving the most absurd orders, and when things didn't go right + immediately he always broke out into shouting and cursing, and praying + and crying until his Staff felt so ashamed of him and themselves that + they didn't know which way to look. There's never any knowing what a man + like that will do. He's as likely as not to want to preach a sermon in + St. Sophia, or to ride his horse up the steps of the Palace.</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> These are certainly faults, but they are the faults of + an enthusiastic nature.</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> Well, I don't like that kind of enthusiastic + nature. I prefer something quieter. Besides, I am told that his behaviour + in the house and his table-manners are dreadful. He's quite capable, if + he doesn't like a dish, of throwing it at the attendants. Then he gets so + angry when people don't agree with him; the least contradiction makes him + purple, absolutely purple, with passion. My dear ENVER, you would have to + pretend you knew nothing about Turkey when you talked with him—at + any rate nothing in comparison with his knowledge—and I'm sure you + wouldn't like that; nobody would. No, I can't say the prospect of having + him here as my guest allures me, but of course, if you say it <i>must</i> + be done, I'm ready to sacrifice myself. Only I warn you it will spoil + everything for me to have him here prancing about in a Turkish + uniform.</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> I didn't know your Majesty's feelings were so strong on + the subject. Perhaps it will not, after all, be necessary. I will see + what can be done.</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> Yes, do, there's a good fellow. If I had to + entertain that man for a week I should suffer from indigestion for the + rest of my life.</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> If possible we will see that your Majesty is spared such + an affliction. With your Majesty's leave I will now withdraw.</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> Do by all means. No—stop; you haven't given + me any of the War news. I keep on asking for it, but nobody pays any + attention to my requests. Honestly, I don't see much use in being a + Sultan if one can't get anyone to do what one asks.</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> Oh, you want to hear some War news, do you? Well, I may + as well tell you now as later. Baghdad's gone.</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> What—captured?</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> Yes, the infernal English have got it.</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> I knew it was bound to happen. I told you so only + last Tuesday—at least, if it wasn't you it was somebody else. + "Baghdad," I said, "is sure to be captured. The English are in great + force, and if we don't watch it carefully they're sure to snatch it from + us." That's what I said; but you wouldn't have it. You were all so + cock-sure, and now where are you?</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> Who can fight against treachery?</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> Treachery? It's simply stupidity and incompetence. + You and your KAISER keep patting one another on the back, and then one + fine morning you wake up and discover that Baghdad has fallen. ENVER, + you'll find it rather difficult to explain this to the people. They know + my advice hasn't counted for anything in this; they'll put it all down to + you; and you can't murder them all, as you murdered poor old NAZIM.</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> Silence, or—</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> Yes, I know, but I will not keep silence. Rather, I + will ask again, why have you sent my best regiments to help the Austrians + and Germans on their own fronts? Even I could have managed better than + that. And why are we fighting in this War at all? Answer me that.</p> + + <p><i>Enver.</i> We fight for the greatness of Turkey.</p> + + <p><i>The Sultan.</i> Well, we don't seem very successful. It was a good + deal bigger before we lost Erzerum and Baghdad...</p> + + <p>(<i>Left wrangling.</i>)</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Conscience-Money?</h4> + + <blockquote>"The Commissioners of Inland Revenue acknowledge the receipt + of first half of £100 note from 'Berlin.'"—<i>Daily + Paper.</i></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Half-a-dozen deer escaped from Hatfield Park some weeks ago + through a gate having been carelessly left open. A wholesale clearance of + vegetables followed in the district, and the damage was so serious that, + with the Marquis of Salisbury's approval, shooting parties of farmers + went out, and the raiders have now been run to + earth."—<i>Manchester Paper.</i></blockquote> + + <p>It looks as if they were only rabbits, after all.</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span> + +<hr /> + +<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3> + +<p class="center">"REMNANT."</p> + + <p>I wish now that I had not been compelled to postpone my visit to the + Royalty, for I think the fall of Baghdad must have put me a bit above + myself. Anyhow, I was less moved than usual by the triumph of virtue and + the downing of vice; and permitted myself to wonder how a play like + <i>Remnant</i> ever found its way into the Royalty (of all theatres), and + what Mr. DENNIS EADIE (of all actors) was doing in this galley, this + melted-butter boat. And indeed there were moments when I could see that + Mr. EADIE himself shared my wonder, if I rightly interpreted certain + signs of indifference and detachment in his performance. I even suspected + a sinister intention in the title, though, of course, Messrs. MORTON and + NICCODEMI didn't really get their play off in the course of a bargain + sale of superannuated goods.</p> + + <p>Apart from the Second Act, where Miss MARIE LÖHR (looking rather like + a nice Dutch doll) delivered the blunt gaucheries of <i>Remnant</i> with + a delightfully stolid naïveté, the design of the play and its simple + little devices might almost have been the work of amateurs. The sordid + quarrels between <i>Tony</i> and his preposterous mistress (whom I took + to be a model, till I found that he was only an artist in steam + locomotives) were extraordinarily lacking in subtlety. In all this + Bohemian business one looked in vain for a touch of the art of MURGER. + What would one not have given for something even distantly reminiscent of + the <i>Juliet</i> scene—"<i>et le pigeon chantait toujours</i>"? + And it wasn't as if this was supposed to be a sham Americanised + <i>quartier</i> of to-day. We were in the true period—under Louis + PHILIPPE. Indeed I know no other reason (costumes always excepted) why + the scene was the Paris of 1840. For the purposes of the play <i>Tony</i> + might just as well have been a British designer of tanks (London, 1916). + Nor was there anything even conventionally French about the girl + <i>Remnant</i>, who might have been born next-door to Bow Bells.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/186a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/186athumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>REMNANT BARGAIN DAY.</p> + + <p><i>Tony</i> ... MR. DENNIS EADIE.</p> + + <p>"<i>Remnant</i>" ... MISS MARIE LÖHR.</p> + </div> + <p>Miss MARIE LÖHR was the life and soul of the party. Her true comedy + manner, when she was serious, was always fascinating. She said with great + discretion her little Barriesque piece about the desirability of babies, + and she did all she knew to keep the sentiment from being too + sickly-sweet. Here she had strong assistance from Mr. EADIE as her lover + <i>Tony</i>; for, though he got a fine flash out of the green eye of + jealousy when he suspected his patron, <i>Jules</i>, of jumping his + love-claim, it was obvious at the end that the success of his + professional ambitions was far more to him than any affair of the heart. + And, after all, when <i>Remnant</i> complained of a curious + <i>bourdonnement</i> in her ears, and <i>Tony</i> had to reply solemnly, + "That which you hear is the beating of your heart to the music of your + soul," you could hardly expect a man with Mr. EADIE'S sense of humour to + throw much conviction into the statement.</p> + + <p>Mr. C.M. LOWNE was a very passable <i>beau</i>, and made love to + <i>Remnant</i> with that rich fruitiness of voice of which he is a past + master. It was her business (as she explained to <i>Tony</i> when he + surprised their two faces within kissing distance of each other) to keep + <i>Jules</i> in good humour since <i>Tony's</i> chances depended upon his + patronage. But it couldn't have helped much to tell <i>Jules</i> with + such appalling candour that the shiver produced by his kiss was the same + kind as she had once felt when a rat ran over her face during sleep. + However, <i>Jules</i> was not a <i>beau</i> for nothing and could afford + this exceptional set-back to one of his many amours. There was, by the + way, an excellent little comedy scene between him and his wife, played by + Miss MURIEL POPE with a quiet humour as piquant as her gown.</p> + + <p>As <i>Manon</i>, the querulous termagant that <i>Tony</i> had taken + for mistress, Miss HILDA MOORE was not very kindly served by her + part—so rudimentary that its highest flight was achieved when, with + a Parthian shot, she referred to <i>Tony</i> as a geni-ass.</p> + + <p>I will not forecast a limited success for this play, for who would + dare to say that there is not always room in the broad British bosom for + yet another triumph of sentiment over ideas—I speak of the play + itself and not of the performance? If only for Miss LÖHR'S sake I could + wish that the best of fortune may attend it; for to have worn her hair as + she did in the Second Act, out of regard for the period, was a sacrifice + as fine as any that women have shown in the course of Armageddon (if I + may judge of them by their portraits in the Photographic Press), and she + ought to have her reward, bless her + heart! O.S.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">"GENERAL POST."</p> + + <p>It would be easy to make fun of the exaggerations and + ultra-simplifications of Mr. TERRY'S new comedy. It is much pleasanter + (and juster) to dwell on its wholesomeness, its easy humour and its + effect of honest entertainment. Not a highbrow adventure, it is not to be + judged by highbrow standards. It is decently in key, and an exceptionally + clever cast carried it adroitly over any rough places. Remarkable, too, + as almost the first popular testimonial since the War began to the + too-much-taken-for-granted Territorials, who worked in the old days while + we scoffed and golfed. That's all to the good.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/186b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/186bthumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>THE TAILOR WHO DID NOT NEED TO PRESS HIS SUIT.</p> + + <p><i>Sir Dennys Broughton</i> ... MR. NORMAN MCKINNEL.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Broughton</i> ... MISS LILIAN BRAITHWAITE.</p> + + <p><i>Edward Smith (tailor)</i> ... MR. GEORGE TULLY.</p> + </div> + <p>Our author's hero is an excellent provincial tailor, who is also keen + <i>Captain Smith</i> in the Sheffingham Terriers. As tailor his chief + customer, as soldier his contemptuous scandalised critic, is <i>Sir + Dennys Broughton</i>, whose wayward flapper daughter <i>Betty</i> is in + the early fierce stages of revolt against the stuffiness of life at + Grange Court, meets <i>Smith</i> over some boys' club work, and, finding + brains and dreams in him (a formidable contrast to her loafing brother), + falls into passionate first-love. <i>Smith</i> is just as badly if more + soberly hit, and recognising the impossibility of the situation (quite + apart from demonstrations by the alarmed <i>Broughtons</i>) decides to + take his tape and shears to his London house of business. The date of all + this being about the time of the misguided <i>Panther's</i> fateful leap + on Agadir.</p> + + <p>Act II. brings us to the second year of the War. Young + <i>Broughton</i>, puppy no longer, is gloriously in it, and has just been + gazetted to a Territorial regiment whose Colonel bears the not uncommon + name of Smith. Our tailor, of course, and a rattling fine soldier too. + Having discovered this latter fact and also formed a remarkably cordial + relationship apparently in a single day, the enthusiastic cub subaltern + (distemper and snobbishness over and done with) motors up his C.O., who + is visiting his brother and partner, and brings him in to Grange Court on + the way. <i>Sir Dennys</i>, now a brassarded private and otherwise a + converted man, is still confoundedly embarrassed, and stands anything but + easy in the presence of his youngster's Colonel. <i>Lady Broughton</i>, + least malleable of the group, is frankly appalled by this new + <i>mésalliance</i>. Perhaps Mr. TERRY'S version of blue-blooded insolence + and fatuity is for his stage purpose rather crudely coloured, but who + shall say <span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" id="page187"></a>[pg + 187]</span> that the doctrine that a man in khaki who has been an + elementary schoolmaster or a tailor is a man for a' that, is quite + universally accepted in the best circles even in this year of grace? + <i>Betty</i>, now a grown girl in the cynical stage, revenges herself + with feline savagery on the knight of the shears for the imagined slight + of his defection.</p> + + <p>Act III. is dated 19? just after peace is declared. The tailor is not + (as I half expected) back in his shop, but a <i>Brigadier-General Smith, + V.C.</i>, is being invested with the freedom of Sheffingham and is making + a spirited attack on the defences of <i>Betty</i>. She puts up enough of + a fight to ensure a good Third Act, and capitulates charmingly to the + delight, now, of all the <i>Broughton</i> household—butler + included. I hope Mr. TERRY is right and that the places taken in this + great war game of <i>General Post</i> and the values registered will have + permanence.</p> + + <p>I won't deny that the excellent moral of the play goes far to disarm + one's critical faculty. Why not confess that one lost one's heart to the + nicest tailor since <i>Evan Harrington</i>? Indeed, Mr. TULLY (always, I + find, quite admirable in characterisation, and that no mere matter of + outward trick, but duly charged with feeling) made just such a decent, + lovable, sideless officer as it has been the pride of the nation of + shopkeepers to produce in the day of challenge. Whoever was it dared cast + Mr. MCKINNEL for the part of a weak kindly old ass of a baronet, without + any ruggedness or violence in his composition? Congratulations to the + unknown perspicacious hero and to Mr. MCKINNEL! Miss MADGE TITHERADGE + flapped prettily as a flapper; bit cleanly and cruelly in her biting + mood; surrendered most engagingly. This is less than justice. She used + her queer caressing voice and her reserves of emotional power to fine + effect. Miss LILIAN BRAITHWAITE made her <i>Lady Broughton</i> nearly + credible and less "unsympathetic" than was just. Mr. DANIELL is new to + me. He played one of those difficult foil parts with a really nice + discretion.</p> + + <p>The audience was genuinely pleased. It dragged from the author a + becomingly modest acknowledgment. He <i>did</i> owe a great deal to his + players, but a writer of stage plays need not be ashamed of that. T.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/187.png"><img width="100%" src="images/187thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Ethel (playing at grown-ups).</i> "IS YOUR HUSBAND IN THE WAR, + MRS. BROWN?" <i>Mabel.</i> "OH YES, OF + COURSE, MRS. SMITH."</p> + + <p><i>Ethel.</i> "IS HE IN FRANCE?" + <i>Mabel.</i> "NO, HE'S IN THE WAR LOAN."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE PLOT PRECAUTIONARY.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>The KAISER addresses his Transatlantic Faithful.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Ye stalwart Huns and strident,</p> + <p class="i8">Who can't come home again,</p> + <p class="i4">Because base Albion's trident,</p> + <p class="i8">Though largely on the wane,</p> + <p>Still occupies successfully the surface of the main;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Give ear, my gallant fellows,</p> + <p class="i8">While I the truth declare;</p> + <p class="i4">Britain's expiring bellows</p> + <p class="i8">Will shortly rend the air;</p> + <p>Wiping the earth up then will be a simplified affair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">But, while at home our Hunnish</p> + <p class="i8">Valour obtains the day,</p> + <p class="i4">It must be yours to punish</p> + <p class="i8">The craven U.S.A.,</p> + <p>Debouching on them unawares from Sinaloa way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">I make the rough suggestion,</p> + <p class="i8">And it shall be your care</p> + <p class="i4">To solve the minor question</p> + <p class="i8">Of how and when and where,</p> + <p>Aided by Gen. CARRANZA, the party with the hair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Some pesos and centavos</p> + <p class="i8">He will of course demand</p> + <p class="i4">Before he leads his bravos</p> + <p class="i8">Across the Rio Grande;</p> + <p>Offer the fellow all he wants—in German notes of hand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Meanwhile the Hyphenated,</p> + <p class="i8">Busy with bomb and knife,</p> + <p class="i4">Will likewise hand the hated</p> + <p class="i8">Gringos a taste of strife,</p> + <p>Starting with Colonel ROOSEVELT and the Editor of <i>Life</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">These are, in brief, the vistas</p> + <p class="i8">That swim before my ken;</p> + <p class="i4">So tell the Carranzistas</p> + <p class="i8">To up and act like men;</p> + <p>And say the money's coming on, but do not mention when.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Bid them with sword and fire wreck</p> + <p class="i8">The pale Pacific West;</p> + <p class="i4">And tell SYLVESTER VIERECK</p> + <p class="i8">And BARTHOLDT and the rest</p> + <p>To call the Lagerbund to arms and jump on WILSON'S chest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">There'll be some opposition—</p> + <p class="i8">That I can quite foresee;</p> + <p class="i4">But bear in mind your mission</p> + <p class="i8">Must primarily be</p> + <p>To keep the swine-dog Yankees from jumping on to <i>me</i>!</p> + <p class="i16">ALGOL.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Commercial Stylists.</h4> + +<p class="center">"—, SONS & CO., LTD.,</p> + +<p class="center">ARE SHOWING A DELIGHTFUL RANGE OF CORSETS, +EMBRACING THE MOST APPROVED MODELS."—<i>Glasgow Herald.</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Dover: Gas up 5d. a 1,000.</p> + <p>Tunbridge Wells: Gas up 2d. a 1,000.</p> + <p>Lord Selborne is up again, after a chill."—<i>Evening News.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Good, but how much?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page188" id="page188"></a>[pg 188]</span> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Snare</i> (SECKER) impressed me as a tale emphatically + prededicate to the footlights. Actually, by the way, Mr. RAFAEL SABATINI + has dedicated it "to LEON M. LEON, who told me this story"—which, + of course, only strengthens my belief. Anyhow, it has every mark of the + romantic drama—a picturesque setting, that of the Peninsular War, + rich in possibilities for the scenic and sartorial arts; and a strongly + emotional plot, leading up to a situation that could be relied upon to + bring down the house. I shall, of course, not tell you the plot. It + contains a jealous husband, an injudicious wife, a hero and heroine, a + villain (of foreign extraction) and a god in the machine, who is none + other than our IRON DUKE himself. And the situation in the last Act + offers as pretty a piece of table-turning as any audience need desire. I + wish I could explain how the DUKE plays with his enemies, and + finally—but no, I said I wouldn't, and I will keep my word. Two + little carpings, however. Surely it is wrong to speak of "catch + half-penny" journalism in the time of WELLINGTON. My impression is that + the journalists of those days caught at least fourpence by their wares. + And I confess to an emotion of disappointment when the heroine bounced up + at the court-martial and said that the hero couldn't have committed the + murder because he was "in her arms" at the time. Of course he hadn't + been; and I very much doubt whether any Court would have believed her for + two minutes. But leading ladies love saying it, so I suppose the very + out-worn device will have to be retained in the stage version. I look + forward to this with much pleasure.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>That clever lady, ELINOR MORDAUNT, has collected into the volume that + she calls <i>Before Midnight</i> (CASSELL) a series of short stories of a + psychic (though not always ghostly) character, which, while not very + eerie, or on the same high level, are at their best both original and + impressive. The first of them, which affords excuse for a + highly-intriguing cover-picture, is at once the most spooksome and the + least satisfactory. That is to say that, though it opens with a genuine + and quite horrible thrill, the "explanation" is obscure and tame. Far + more successful, to my mind, is "The Vision," a delicate little idyll of + a Midland schoolmarm, to whom is shown the death of Adonis and the + lamenting of his goddess-lover. The writing of this touches real beauty + (the high-fantastic, instead of the merely high-falutin', which in such + connection would have been so fatally easy). To sum up, though one at + least of these "dreams before midnight" may quite possibly become a + nightmare after it, I fancy that, to all lovers of the occult, the game + will be found well worth the bed-room candle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There are qualities in <i>The Bird of Life</i>, by GERTRUDE VAUGHAN + (CHAPMAN AND HALL), which cause me to look forward to this lady's future + work with very considerable interest. In the present novel she sets out + the life story of <i>Rachel</i> up to a point boldly given as being + beyond the conclusion of the War, in which, by the way, both her husband + and the man whom she ought to have married are killed on the same day. + The first eighty-four pages of the book raised my hopes very high. They + describe with great simplicity and sympathy the thoughts and feelings, + the romances and difficulties, of an affectionate and lonely little girl + living with her <i>Uncle Matthew</i> and her <i>Aunt Elizabeth</i>, and + loving them both with a childlike fervour. There is no exaggeration; the + writing goes true to its mark, and the effect designed by the writer is + admirably well made. Then <i>Uncle Matthew</i> dies and <i>Rachel</i> + finds a new home in the Vicarage of <i>Mr. Venning</i>, a family man if + ever there was one, for he has fifteen children. From this point the + interest is slightly diluted, and the excellence of the book diminishes. + One does not recognise in the more mature <i>Rachel</i> the girl one had + expected to find after one's initiation into the secrets of her baby + mind. She marries <i>Edward Venning</i>, and finds too late that he is, + like his father, made up of convention and narrowness. She plans a + disappearance, and leaves some of her belongings on the edge of a + bottomless tarn. Then, being hypothetically dead, she begins to live her + life in her own way. Later on she returns to <i>Edward</i>, "on approval + for six months"; but this period was apparently not sufficient to break + the chain that bound her to Another, and, the War intervening, she is + left almost doubly widowed. I feel that I have not quite done justice to + Miss VAUGHAN'S book, but, on the other hand, I am sure that she has not + quite done justice to her unquestionable talent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A volume entitled <i>Friends of France: The Field Service of the + American Ambulance</i> (SMITH, ELDER) has appeared in a happy hour to + remind one, if that were necessary, that in the great nation that awaits + Mr. WILSON'S call there have always been found some eager to give their + services and, if need be, life itself to prove their love for the other + great Republic. I don't think either you or I will grudge such an + affection at this date, founded historically though it may be on a mutual + dislike of ourselves, and consequently it is a very pleasant impression + that is produced by this record of American efficiency and courage in Red + Cross work on the French front. This being clearly remembered one need + not be afraid to admit that in detail the book will be of interest mainly + to the friends of those concerned, since the method of multiple + authorship adopted necessarily involves overlapping, and a good deal of + the volume is given up to monotonous, though undoubtedly well-earned, + "tributes and citations" from the French authorities. Neither is the bulk + of the matter, most generously illustrated though it is, particularly + intriguing, for by now one is sufficiently familiar with accounts of the + removal of wounded under fire and the sort of work at which these four + hundred American University men proved themselves so adept at + half-a-dozen points between Flanders and Alsace. Americans, long at odds + with "ruthlessness" (and at last forced to the inevitable logical + conclusion in regard to it), may well be glad to be able to point, + amongst other creditable things, to this history of service given without + hesitation in acknowledgment of their debt to the civilisation of the Old + World; and we also shall be no less glad to remember it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is perhaps natural that in <i>Winnowed Memories</i> (CASSELL), by + Field-Marshal Sir EVELYN WOOD, V.C., one should look at first to see what + references they contain to modern events. On these matters, as on all + others covered by this volume, we are told nothing that is not + invigorating and to the point, and the tributes here paid to the fighting + qualities of our armies of to-day form a fitting conclusion to a book + that is full of sound sense and good cheer. Sir EVELYN has had a vast + experience and enjoys an evergreen vigour. What is rarer still, he has a + kindly nature that admits no trace of the disappointments he must from + time to time have suffered. As everyone knows, he was always an advocate + of Compulsory Universal Service for Home Defence, but he casts no stone + at those who so long and parlously delayed to learn their lesson. Like + the true soldier that he is, he seems to have no time or taste for those + recriminations which are best left to small political fry. And I rejoice + that in a book of such authority the note is largely one of happiness and + hope.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>"Owing to congestion on the railways there is a food shortage in + Petrograd, which has led some of the less irresponsible citizens to + demonstrate during the session of the Council of the Empire and the + Duma."—<i>Daily Sketch.</i></p> + + <p>Subsequent news shows that "less irresponsible" was not a misprint but + a prophecy.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/188.png"><img width="100%" src="images/188thumb.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Sympathetic Newsboy (to proprietor of Coffee Stall.)</i> "WOT YER + TRYIN' TO DO WIV THE OLD 'OTEL, GUVNER? TAKIN' IT 'OME FOR FEAR OF + 'AVIN' IT COMMANDEERED?"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"It is claimed that about thirty Merman firms construct the + Diesel motors originally used for submarines."—<i>Daily + Telegraph.</i></blockquote> + + <p>We wish these motors a speedy return to the fishy scenes of their + origin.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Several eligible sires for workmen's dwellings, of which + some 300 are needed, have been selected by the Southport Town Planning + Committee."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></blockquote> + + <p>They must not be confused with "the rude forefathers of the hamlet" + mentioned by GRAY.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14455 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14455-h/images/177.png b/14455-h/images/177.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b436030 --- /dev/null +++ b/14455-h/images/177.png diff --git a/14455-h/images/177thumb.png b/14455-h/images/177thumb.png Binary files differnew file mode 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