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diff --git a/14450-h/14450-h.htm b/14450-h/14450-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..872bf73 --- /dev/null +++ b/14450-h/14450-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1866 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 7th, 1917.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .typewriter {font-family: courier new, courier, monospace;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14450 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 7th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> + +<h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3> + + <p>To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical + performance, entitled <i>The German Blacksmith</i>, of which he was part + author. It is not yet known in what way his people had offended him.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted + the Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even + prepared to put out his tongue at the KAISER.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of + selling his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest + German Note to America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given + them away.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance + in Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported + that the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the + <i>rôle</i> of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the + furtherance of the league to enforce peace.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg + <i>Fremdenblatt</i>, received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of + the Fatherland, fight on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers + have written across the cards, "Fight on what?"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in + this country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few + honourable exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien + business men have sedulously concealed their identity.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the + middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has + already thrown out some nice strong suckers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a pound + in Norwich." But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of + Wensleydale cheese in Ilfracombe.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel, + the other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused. + It appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal + before a new Government department commandeered the place.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates' + expenses shall not exceed 4<i>d.</i> per elector in three-member + boroughs, and several political agents have written to point out that it + cannot possibly be done in view of the recent increase in the price of + beer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course + from 18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved + should be added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal + from the FOOD CONTROLLER.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a + week, board and lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work + fifteen hours a day. It is understood that this insidious attempt to + popularise agriculture at the expense of the army has been the subject of + a heated interchange of letters between the War Office and the Board of + Agriculture.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The warmest places in England yesterday," says <i>The Pall Mall + Gazette</i>, "were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got + into trouble before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great + Britain as England, but we never said a thing like that.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A London doctor, says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, estimates that colds cost + this country £15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once + that we think the charge is excessive.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph + messenger running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a + position to clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in + question was in the act of going off duty.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets—until a + suitable palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary + responsible for this feature.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is + likely that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in + vogue in Soho restaurants.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues, + and several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if + income tax has been deducted at the source.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" src="images/85thumb.png" + alt="What the devil are you doing down that shell-hole?" /></a> + <p>"WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T YOU HEAR + ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"</p> + + <p><i>Geordie (a trade-unionist).</i> "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE + KILLED MA FOWER."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke + of York's in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in + 1894."—<i>The Stage</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>Is it <i>really</i> only twenty-three years?</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant + surprise. A sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into + glassy ice, which made walking impossible without some assistance. A + walking-stick, without some sort of boot covering, was of little + avail."—<i>Oxford Times</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely + bootless.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> + +<h3>THE MUD-LARKS.</h3> + + <p>Our mess was situated on the crest of a ridge, and enjoyed an + uninterrupted view of rolling leagues of mud; it had the appearance of a + packing-case floating on an ocean of ooze.</p> + + <p>We and our servants, and our rats and our cockroaches, and our other + bosom-companions slept in tents pitched round and about the mess.</p> + + <p>The whole camp was connected with the outer world by a pathway of + ammunition boxes, laid stepping-stone-wise; we went to and fro, lepping + from box to box as leps the chamois from Alp to Alp. Should you miss your + lep there would be a swirl of mud, a gulping noise, and that was the end + of you; your sorrowing comrades shed a little chloride of lime over the + spot where you were last seen, posted you as "Believed missing" and + indented for another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-Marshal, as the case + might be).</p> + + <p>Our mess was constructed of loosely piled shell boxes, and roofed by a + tin lid. We stole the ingredients box by box, and erected the house with + our own fair hands, so we loved it with parental love; but it had its + little drawbacks. Whenever the field guns in our neighbourhood did any + business, the tin lid rattled madly and the shell boxes jostled each + other all over the place. It was quite possible to leave our mess at peep + o'day severely Gothic in design, and to return at dewy eve to find it + rakishly Rococo.</p> + + <p>William, our Transport Officer and Mess President, was everlastingly + piping all hands on deck at unseemly hours to save the home and push it + back into shape; we were householders in the fullest sense of the + term.</p> + + <p>Before the War, William assures us, he was a bright young thing, full + of merry quips and jolly practical jokes, the life and soul of any party, + but what with the contortions of the mess and the vagaries of the + transport mules he had become a saddened man.</p> + + <p>Between them—the mules and the mess—he never got a whole + night in bod; either the mules were having bad dreams, sleep-walking into + strange lines and getting themselves abhorred, or the field guns were on + the job and the mess had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had not been the + perfect little gentleman he is, and had dropped a shell anywhere near us + (instead of assiduously spraying a distant ridge where nobody ever was, + is, or will be) our mess would have been with Tyre and Sidon; but Hans + never forgot himself for a moment; it was our own side we distrusted. The + Heavies, for instance. The Heavies warped themselves laboriously into + position behind our hill, disguised themselves as gooseberry bushes, and + gave an impression of the crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy morning.</p> + + <p>Our mess immediately broke out into St. Vitus's dance, and William + piped all hands on deck.</p> + + <p>The Skipper, picturesquely clad in boots (gum, high) and a goat's + skin, flung himself on the east wing, and became an animated buttress. + Albert Edward climbed aloft and sat on the tin lid, which was opening and + shutting at every pore. Mactavish put his shoulder to the south wall to + keep it from working round to the north. I clung to the pantry, which was + coming adrift from its parent stem, while William ran about everywhere, + giving advice and falling over things. The mess passed rapidly through + every style of architecture, from a Chinese pagoda to a Swiss châlet, and + was on the point of confusing itself with a Spanish castle when the + Heavies switched off their hate and went to bed. And not a second too + soon. Another moment and I should have dropped the pantry, Albert Edward + would have been sea-sick, and the Skipper would have let the east wing go + west.</p> + + <p>We pushed the mess back into shape, and went inside it for a peg of + something and a consultation. Next evening William called on the Heavies' + commander and decoyed him up to dine. We regaled him with wassail and + gramophone and explained the situation to him. The Lord of the Heavies, a + charming fellow, nearly burst into tears when he heard of the ill he had + unwittingly done us, and was led home by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing + to withdraw his infernal machines, or beat them into ploughshares, the + very next day. The very next night our mess, without any sort of + preliminary warning, lost its balance, sat down with a crash, and lay + littered about a quarter of an acre of ground. We all turned out and + miserably surveyed the ruins. What had done it? We couldn't guess. The + field guns had gone to bye-bye, the Heavies had gone elsewhere. Hans, the + Hun, couldn't have made a mistake and shelled us? Never! It was a + mystery; so we all lifted up our voices and wailed for William. He was + Mess President; it was his fault, of course.</p> + + <p>At that moment William hove out of the night, driving his tent before + him by bashing it with a mallet.</p> + + <p>According to William there was one, "Sunny Jim," a morbid transport + mule, inside the tent, providing the motive power. "Sunny Jim" had always + been something of a somnambulist, and this time he had sleep-walked clean + through our mess and on into William's tent, where the mallet woke him + up. He was then making the best of his way home to lines again, expedited + by William and the mallet.</p> + + <p>So now we are messless; now we crouch shivering in tents and talk + lovingly of the good old times beneath our good old tin roof-tree, of the + wonderful view of the mud we used to get from our window, and of the + homely tune our shell-boxes used to perform as they jostled together of a + stormy night.</p> + + <p>And sometimes, as we crouch shivering in our tents, we hear a strange + sound stealing up-hill from the lines. It is the mules laughing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.</h4> + +<p class="center">I.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Goddess, hear me—oh, incline a</p> + <p>Gracious ear to me, Lucina!</p> + <p>Patroness of parturition,</p> + <p>Pray make this a special mission;</p> + <p>Prove a kind inaugurator</p> + <p>Of my votive incubator!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Seventy eggs I put into it—</p> + <p>Each a chick, if you ensue it.</p> + <p>Pray you, let me not be saddled</p> + <p>With a single "clear" or addled.</p> + <p>See! the temperature is steady.</p> + <p>Now then, Goddess, <i>are you ready?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hear me, Goddess, next invoking</p> + <p>You to keep the lamp from smoking,</p> + <p>And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're</p> + <p><i>Sure</i> to regulate the moisture?</p> + <p>Oh, Lucina, 'twill be ripping</p> + <p>When we hear the eggs all pipping!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When no chick the shell encumbers,</p> + <p>Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers!</p> + <p>Then, O patroness of hatches,</p> + <p>We will try some further batches.</p> + <p>Goddess, hear me!—oh, incline a</p> + <p>Gracious ear to me, Lucina!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"MATRIMONY.—Two young, respectable fellows wish to meet + two respectable young girls, between the ages of 20 and 30, view + above.—T.S.R. and E.C.P., Clematis P.O., + Paradise."—<i>Melbourne Argus.</i></blockquote> + + <p>If marriages are made in heaven these respectable young fellows have + selected a really promising postal address.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Nine petty officers were landed from the damaged German + destroyer V69 and brought to the Willem Barrentz Hotel, Ymuiden, + to-night. My correspondent engaged them in conversation at a late hour. + After some Dutch Bock beer they rapidly recovered their spirits and began + to sing Luther's well-known hymn, 'Ein Feste Bung.'"—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></blockquote> + + <p>Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a loose "Bung" have pleased them + even better?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/87.png"><img width="100%" src="images/87thumb.png" + alt="A Plain Duty." /></a> + <h2>A PLAIN DUTY.</h2> + + <p>"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK! I'M GOING IN HERE TO DO MY + BIT, THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MORE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR THE + WAR LOAN, THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%" src="images/88thumb.png" + alt="Stick to him!" /></a> + <p class="center">"STICK TO HIM—STICK TO HIM!"</p> + + <p class="center">"I'LL STICK TO HIM, SIR. BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU + MEAN?"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.</h3> + +<p class="center">IV.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR JERRY,—I am writing this from my position on top of a + small hill, while my devoted band of followers sits round me and waits + for me to speak. I always sit here, because if I wanted to go somewhere + else I should have to climb down this hill and then up another one. I + hate hills. So does the devoted band.</p> + + <p>Behind another little hill a hundred yards away we believe there lurks + an army corps of Bulgars, but we are afraid to look and see. Instead, we + fix and unfix bayonets every ten minutes and make martial noises. This, + we hope, affects the enemy's <i>moral</i>, and having your <i>moral</i> + affected every ten minutes is no joke, I can tell you.</p> + + <p>The spirit of our troops remains excellent. You can see that this is + true from the fact that my joke still works. Every night for the last + three months, while administering quinine to my army, I have exhorted + them not to be greedy and not to take too much. They still laugh + heartily, nay uproariously. We are a wonderful nation.</p> + + <p>Our chief source of combined instruction and amusement is still the + antheap beside us, and in this connection, Jeremiah, I must introduce to + you Herbert, a young officer in the ant A.S.C.</p> + + <p>When we first knew Herbert (or "'Erb" as he was known in those days), + he was an impudent and pushful private. When his corps were engaged in + removing the larger pieces of straw out of their hole in the hill, many a + time I have seen him staggering manfully towards the entrance with an + enormous piece on his slender shoulders, against the tide of his + comrades; for he never could resist the temptation to replace the really + big stalks in the hole. As he knocked against one and another the older + ants would step aside, lay down their loads, and expostulate with him, + always ending by giving him a good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was never + dismayed.</p> + + <p>Now and again, during a temporary slackness in the stream, he would + disappear triumphantly into the hole, his log trailing behind him; but + his triumph was always short-lived. I would seem to hear a scuffle and + two bumps, and 'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards, followed by his + burden, and fall in a heap beside the door. However, as soon as he + recovered he would try again. On one sultry afternoon I noticed he + succeeded in effecting an entrance after twenty-three successive + chuck-outs.</p> + + <p>His persistence piqued my curiosity. I wondered why he should so + obstinately try to do a thing which was obviously distasteful to all his + seniors. And then, yesterday, there was a change.</p> + + <p>'Erb was resting after his eighth chuck-out under a plank when a + venerable ant, heavy with the accumulated wisdom and weakness of years, + approached the exit from within and tried to get out, but in vain. He + swore and struggled in a futile sort of way, while his attendant + subordinates stood about helplessly. 'Erb saw his opportunity. He seized + his plank, dashed forward—you may not believe me, Jerry, but it is + the gospel truth—saluted smartly, and laid down his plank as a sort + of ladder. Supporting himself upon it the veteran crawled out. Then he + spoke to 'Erb, and I think I saw him asking someone the lad's name.</p> + + <p>That is why Second Lieutenant Herbert is to-day in charge of a working + party. He is now engaged in clipping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine + there must have been some lack of <span class="pagenum"><a name="page89" + id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> discipline. Possibly his inferior had + addressed him as "Erb."</p> + + <p>Well, all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile. I must now + make a martial noise, so <i>au revoir.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">Thine,</p> + <p class="i8">PETER.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/89.png"><img width="100%" src="images/89thumb.png" + alt="Distractions of camp life." /></a> + <h3>DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.</h3> + + <p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>by roadside</i>). "OUT ON THE SPREE AGAIN? GOING TO + THE PICTURES?"</p> + + <p><i>Highlander</i>. "NO. WE'RE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE + GUARD."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"<i>The Motor Cycle</i> says over 165,000 magnates have been + made in Britain for war purposes."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>And the New Year Honours List (political services) has yet to + appear.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"We owed all this more to our splendid navy and its silent + virgil than to anything else."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>We suppose the CENSOR won't let him narrate the epic exploits of the + Fleet, but he might have allowed him a capital initial.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Surbiton residents have supplied for British prisoners in + Germany 800 waistcoats made from 2,100 old kid gloves." + <i>Manchester Evening + News</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>A notable instance of large-handed generosity.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>SIX VILE VERBS.</h4> + +<p class="center">(<i>To the makers of journalese, and others, +from a fastidious reader.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I see on a poster</p> + <p class="i2">A programme which "features"</p> + <p>CHARLIE CHAPLIN and other</p> + <p class="i2">Delectable creatures,</p> + <p>I feel just as if</p> + <p class="i2">Someone hit me a slam</p> + <p>Or a strenuous biff</p> + <p class="i2">On the mid diaphragm.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I read in a story,</p> + <p class="i2">Though void of offences,</p> + <p>That somebody "glimpses"</p> + <p class="i2">Or somebody "senses,"</p> + <p>The chord that is struck</p> + <p class="i2">Fills my bosom with ire,</p> + <p>And I'm ready to chuck</p> + <p class="i2">The whole book in the fire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When against any writer</p> + <p class="i2">It's urged that he "stresses"</p> + <p>His points, or that something</p> + <p class="i2">His fancy "obsesses,"</p> + <p>In awarding his blame</p> + <p class="i2">Though the critic be right,</p> + <p>Yet I feel all the same</p> + <p class="i2">I could shoot him at sight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But (worst of these horrors)</p> + <p class="i2">Whenever I read</p> + <p>That somebody "voices"</p> + <p class="i2">A national need,</p> + <p>As the Bulgars and Greeks</p> + <p class="i2">Are abhorred by the Serb,</p> + <p>So I feel toward the freaks</p> + <p class="i2">Who employ this vile verb.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"Some of the public men of Rawmarsh have high ambitions for + their township, and at the Council meeting on Wednesday there was + considerable industrial developments immediately after the war." + <i>Botherham Advertiser</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>Happy Rawmarsh! In our part of the country it is not over yet.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"NAVY Pram. for Sale, good condition." + <i>Provincial Paper</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>Just the thing to prepare baby for being "rocked in the cradle of the + deep."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span> + +<h3>THE SUPER-CHAR.</h3> + + <blockquote>SCENE.—<i>A square in Kensington. At every other door + is seen the lady of the house at work with pail, broom, scrubbing-brush, + rags, metal-polish, etc.</i></blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">In days before the War</p> + <p class="i4">Had turned the world to Hades</p> + <p class="i6">We did not soil</p> + <p class="i6">Our hands with toil—</p> + <p class="i4">We all were perfect ladies;</p> + <p class="i2">To scrub the kitchen floor</p> + <p class="i4">Was <i>infra dig.</i>—disgusting;</p> + <p class="i6">We'd cook, at most,</p> + <p class="i6">A slice of toast</p> + <p class="i4">Or do a bit of dusting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">But those old days are flown,</p> + <p class="i4">And now we ply our labours:</p> + <p class="i6">We cook and scrub,</p> + <p class="i6">We scour and rub,</p> + <p class="i4">Regardless of our neighbours;</p> + <p class="i2">The steps we bravely stone,</p> + <p class="i4">Nor care a straw who passes</p> + <p class="i6">The while we clean</p> + <p class="i6">With shameless mien</p> + <p class="i4">Quite brazenly the brasses.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>First Lady</i>. Lo! Who approaches? Some great dame of state?</p> + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. Rather I think some walking fashion-plate.</p> + <p><i>Third Lady</i>. What clothes! What furs!</p> + <p><i>First Lady</i>. And tango boots! How thrilling!</p> + <p class="i2">They must have cost five guineas if a shilling.</p> + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. Sh, dears! It eyes us hard. What can it be?</p> + <p><i>Third Lady</i>. It would be spoke to.</p> + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. Would it?</p> + <p><i>First Lady</i>. Let us see!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><i>Enter the</i> Super-Char.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Super-char</i>. My friend the butcher told me 'e'd 'eard say</p> + <p class="i2">You 'adn't got no servants round this way,</p> + <p class="i2">And as I've time on 'and—more than I wish,</p> + <p class="i2">Seein' as all the kids is in munish—</p> + <p class="i2">I thought as 'ow, pervided that the wige</p> + <p class="i2">Should suit, I might be willin' to oblige.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">O joy! O rapture!</p> + <p class="i4">If we capture</p> + <p class="i8">Such a prize as this!</p> + <p class="i2">Then we may become once more</p> + <p class="i2">Ladies, as in days of yore,</p> + <p class="i2">Lay aside the brooms and pails,</p> + <p class="i2">Manicure our broken nails,</p> + <p class="i2">Try the last complexion cream—</p> + <p class="i2">What a dream</p> + <p class="i8">Of bliss!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Super-Char</i>. 'Old on! Let's get to business, and no kidding!</p> + <p class="i2">I'm up for auction; 'oo will start the bidding?</p> + <p><i>First Lady. </i>I want a charlady from ten to four,</p> + <p class="i2">To cook the lunch and scrub the basement floor.</p> + <p><i>Super-Char. </i>Cook? Scrub? Thanks! Nothink doin'! Next, please! You, Mum,</p> + <p class="i2">What are the dooties you would 'ave me do, Mum?</p> + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. I want a lady who will kindly call</p> + <p class="i2">And help me dust the dining-room and hall;</p> + <p class="i2">At tea, if need be, bring an extra cup,</p> + <p class="i2">And sometimes do a little washing up.</p> + <p><i>Super-Char</i>. A little bit of dusting I might lump,</p> + <p class="i2">But washing up—it gives me fair the 'ump!</p> + <p class="i2">Next, please!</p> + <p><i>Third Lady</i>. My foremost thought would always be</p> + <p class="i2">The comfort of the lady helping me.</p> + <p class="i2">We have a cask of beer that's solely for</p> + <p class="i2">Your use—we are teetotal for the War.</p> + <p class="i2">I am a cook of more than moderate skill;</p> + <p class="i2">I'll gladly cook whatever dish you will—</p> + <p class="i2">Soups, entrées.</p> + <p><i>Super-Char</i>. Now you're talkin'! That's some sense!</p> + <p class="i2">So kindly let me 'ave your reference,</p> + <p class="i2">And if I finds it satisfact'ry, Mum,</p> + <p class="i2">Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to come.</p> + <p><i>Third Lady</i>. My last good lady left six months ago</p> + <p class="i2">Because she said I'd singed the <i>soufflé</i> so;</p> + <p class="i2">She gave me no address to write to—</p> + <p><i>Super-Char</i>. What!</p> + <p class="i2">You've got no reference?</p> + <p><i>Third Lady</i>. Alas, I've not!</p> + <p><i>Super-Char</i>. Of course I could not dream of taking you</p> + <p class="i2">Without one, so there's nothing more to do.</p> + <p class="i2">These women—'ow they spoil one's temper! Pah!</p> + <p class="i2">Hi! (<i>she hails a passing taxi</i>) Drive me to the nearest cinema.</p> + <p class="i16">[<i>She steps into the taxi and is whirled off.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><i>Chorus of Ladies.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Not yet the consolation</p> + <p class="i4">Of manicure and cream;</p> + <p class="i2">Not yet the barber dresses</p> + <p class="i2">Our dusty tousled tresses;</p> + <p class="i2">The thought of titivation</p> + <p class="i4">Is still a distant dream;</p> + <p class="i2">Not yet the consolation</p> + <p class="i4">Of manicure and cream.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Still, still, with vim and vigour,</p> + <p class="i4">'Tis ours to scour and scrub;</p> + <p class="i2">With rag and metal polish</p> + <p class="i2">The dirt we must demolish;</p> + <p class="i2">Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,</p> + <p class="i4">Among the grates we grub;</p> + <p class="i2">Still, still, with vim and vigour,</p> + <p class="i4">'Tis ours to scour and scrub.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">CURTAIN.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.</h3> + + <p>"Coincidences," said the ordinary seaman, "are rum things. Now I can + tell you of a rum un that happened to me."</p> + + <p>It said Royal Naval Reserve round his cap, but he looked as if he + ought to be wearing gold earrings and a gaudy handkerchief.</p> + + <p>"When I was a young feller I made a voyage or two in an old hooker + called the <i>Pearl of Asia</i>. Her old man at that time was old Captain + Gillson, him that had the gold tooth an' the swell ma'ogany fist in place + o' the one that got blowed off by a rocket in Falmouth Roads. Well, I was + walkin' out with a young woman at Liverpool—nice young + thing—an' she give me a ring to keep to remember 'er by, the day + before we sailed. Nice thing it was; it had 'Mizpah' wrote on it.</p> + + <p>"We 'ad two or three fellers in the crowd for'ard that voyage as would + 'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or too 'eavy which explains why I got + into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o' vallybles, such as joolery, into a + bit of a cache I found all nice and 'andy in the planking' back o' my + bunk.</p> + + <p>"We 'ad a long passage of it 'ome, a 'undred-and-sixty days from + Portland, Oregon, to London River, an' what with thinkin' of the thumpin' + lump o' pay I'd have to draw an' one thing an' another, I clean forgot + all about the ring I'd left cached in the little place back o' my bunk + yonder.</p> + + <p>"Well, I drew my pay all right, and after a bit I tramped it to + Liverpool, to look out for another ship. An' the first person I met in + Liverpool was the young woman I 'ad the ring of.</p> + + <p>"'Where's my ring?' she says, before I'd time to look round.</p> + + <p>"Now, I never was one as liked 'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched + her a nice yarn about the cache I 'ad at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I + vallied 'er ring that 'igh I stowed it there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I'd + slid down the anchor cable an' swum ashore an' left everything I 'ad + behind me, I was that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span> + + <p>"'Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, 'ye gave it to one o' them nasty + yaller gals ye sing about.'</p> + + <p>"'I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she says; 'I didn't,' says I. An' we + went on like that for a bit until I says at last, 'If I can get aboard + the old <i>Pearl</i> again,' I says, 'I'll get the ring,' I says, 'an' + send it you in a letter,' I says, 'an' then per'aps you'll be sorry for + the nasty way you've spoke to me,' I says.</p> + + <p>"'Ho, yes,' she says, sniffy-like, 'per'aps I will, per'aps I won't,' + an' off she goes with 'er nose in the air.</p> + + <p>"My next ship was for Frisco to load grain; and I made sure of + droppin' acrost the <i>Pearl</i> there, for she was bound the same way. + But I never did. She was dismasted in the South Pacific on the outward + passage, and had to put in to one of them Chile ports for repairs. So she + never got to Frisco until after we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the way + it went on. She kep' dodgin' me all over the seven seas, an' the nearest + I got to 'er was when we give 'er a cheer off Sydney Heads, outward + bound, when we was just pickin' up our pilot. The last I 'eard of 'er + after that was from a feller that 'ad seen 'er knockin' round the South + Pacific, sailin' out o' Carrizal or Antofagasta or one o' them places. I + was in the Western Ocean mail-boat service at the time, and so o' course + she was off my run altogether.</p> + + <p>"I was still in the same mail-boat when she give up the passenger + business an' went on the North Sea patrol.</p> + + <p>"Well, one day we boarded a Chile barque in the ordinary course o' + duty, and I was one o' those as went on board with the lootenant. They + generally takes me on them jobs, the reason bein' that I know a deal o' + foreign languages. I don't believe there's a country in the world where I + couldn't make myself understood, partic'lar when I'm wantin' a drink + bad.</p> + + <p>"I wasn't takin' that much notice of this 'ere ship at the time (there + was a bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for one thing, and we 'ad our + work cut out gettin' alongside), except that 'er name was the <i>Maria de + Somethink-or-other</i>—some Dago name. But while we was waitin' for + the lootenant to finish 'is business with Old Monkey Brand, which was the + black-faced Chileno captain she 'ad, it come over me all of a + suddent.</p> + + <p>"'Strike me pink!' I says, 'may my name be Dennis if I 'aven't seen + that there bit o' fancy-work on the poop ladder rails before;' which so I + 'ad, for I done it myself in the doldrums, an' a nice bit o' work it was, + too.</p> + + <p>"You'll 'ave guessed by now that she was none other than the <i>Pearl + of Asia</i>; an' no wonder I 'adn't reckernised 'er, what with the mess + she was in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint all over the poop + railin's as would 'ave made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.</p> + + <p>"'You carry on 'ere,' I says to the feller that was with me; 'I'm + goin' for'ard a minute.'</p> + + <p>"'Arf a minute, an' I was in my old bunk; an' there was the cache all + right, just like I left it."</p> + + <p>He paused dramatically; I supposed it was for histrionic effect, but + it lasted so long that I said, "And so I suppose you sent the ring to the + girl after all?"</p> + + <p>"Oh! '<i>er!</i>" he said, with an air of surprise, "I've forgot 'er + name and all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother in one o' them + monkey-boats of ELDER DEMPSTER'S—'e 'ad the biggest thirst I ever + struck."</p> + + <p>"But the ring?" I said. "I suppose it was there all right?"</p> + + <p>He stopped his pipe down with his thumb, with an enigmatical + expression.</p> + + <p>"That's where the bloomin' coincidence come in," he said; "it + weren't."</p> + + <p>C.F.S.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%" src="images/91thumb.png" + alt="Golfing Colonel and private told off to act as caddie." /></a> + <p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>to private told off to act as caddie</i>). "NOW I + HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAN I HAD PUT ME RIGHT OFF. + HAVE YOU EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "NOT SINCE I PLAYED IN THE AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP, + SIR." (<i>Colonel is put off again.</i>)</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <p>"Miss ——, the World-renounced Teacher of + Dancing."—<i>Southern Standard</i>.</p> + + <p>Another victim of the War.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page92" id="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/92.png"><img width="100%" src="images/92thumb.png" + alt="Major-General addressing his men before practising an attack behind the lines" /></a> + <p><i>Major-General</i> (<i>addressing the men before practising an + attack behind the lines</i>). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A + DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL, AND THE REAL THING. THERE ARE THREE + ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY. NOW (<i>turning + to the Regimental Sergeant-Major</i>) WHAT IS THE SECOND + DIFFERENCE?"</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant-Major</i>. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>TO TOWSER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No pampered pound of peevish fluff</p> + <p>That goggles from a lady's muff</p> + <p>Art thou, my Towser. In the Park</p> + <p>Thy form occasions no remark</p> + <p>Unless it be a friendly call</p> + <p>From soldiers walking in the Mall,</p> + <p>Or the impertinence of pugs</p> + <p>Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.</p> + <p>For thou art sturdy and thy fur</p> + <p>Is rougher than the prickly burr,</p> + <p>Thy manners brusque, thy deep "bow wow"</p> + <p>(Inherited, but Lord knows how!)</p> + <p>Far other than the frenzied yaps</p> + <p>That emanate from ladies' laps,</p> + <p>Thou art, in fact, of doggy size</p> + <p>And hast the brown and faithful eyes,</p> + <p>So full of love, so void of blame,</p> + <p>That fill a master's heart with shame</p> + <p>Because he knows he never can</p> + <p>Be more a dog and less a man.</p> + <p>No champion of a hundred shows,</p> + <p>The prey of every draught that blows,</p> + <p>Art thou; in fact thy charms present</p> + <p>The earmarks of a mixed descent.</p> + <p>And, though too proud to start a fight</p> + <p>With every cur that looms in sight,</p> + <p>None ever saw thee quail beneath</p> + <p>A foeman worthy of thy teeth.</p> + <p>Thou art, in brief, a model hound,</p> + <p>Not so much beautiful as sound</p> + <p>In heart and limb; not always strong</p> + <p>When nose and eyes impel to wrong,</p> + <p>Nor always doing just as bid,</p> + <p>But sterling as the minted quid.</p> + <p>And I have loved thee in my fashion,</p> + <p>Shared with thy face my frugal ration,</p> + <p>Squandered my balance at the bank</p> + <p>When thou didst chew the postman's shank,</p> + <p>And gone in debt replacing stocks</p> + <p>Of private cats and Plymouth Rocks.</p> + <p>And, when they claimed the annual fee</p> + <p>That seals the bond twixt thee and me,</p> + <p>Against harsh Circumstance's edge</p> + <p>Did I not put my fob in pledge</p> + <p>And cheat the minions of excise</p> + <p>Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize?</p> + <p>And thou with leaps of lightsome mood</p> + <p>Didst bark eternal gratitude</p> + <p>And seek my feelings to assail</p> + <p>With agitations of the tail.</p> + <p>Yet are there beings lost to grace</p> + <p>Who claim that thou art out of place,</p> + <p>That when the dogs of war are loose</p> + <p>Domestic kinds are void of use,</p> + <p>And that a chicken or a hog</p> + <p>Should take the place of every dog,</p> + <p>Which, though with appetite endued,</p> + <p>Is not itself a source of food.</p> + <p>What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll</p> + <p>Renounce the cheap but wholesome meal</p> + <p>That men begrudge us, and we'll take</p> + <p>Our leave of bones and puppy cake.</p> + <p>Back to the woods we'll hie, and there</p> + <p>Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,</p> + <p>Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,</p> + <p>Dine upon rabbits' eggs and dig</p> + <p>With practised paw and eager snuffle</p> + <p>The shy but oh! so toothsome truffle.</p> + <p class="i16">ALGOL.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens to close the natural + course of the River Ebbw, seriously interfering with its + ffllww."—<i>Star</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>It certainly sounds rather diverting.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a list of gramophone records:—</p> + + <blockquote>"Nothing could seem easier in the wide world than the + emission of the cascade of notes that falls from the mouth of the + horn—which might indeed be Tetrazzini's own mouth."</blockquote> + + <p>"The diameter of my own gramophone horn is eighteen inches," writes + the sender of the extract.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/93.png"><img width="100%" src="images/93thumb.png" + alt="The Road to Victory" /></a> + <h2>"THE ROAD TO VICTORY."</h2> + + <p class="center">GERMANY. "ARE WE NEARLY THERE, ALL-HIGHEST?"</p> + + <p class="center">ALL-HIGHEST. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END + NOW."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/94.png"><img width="100%" src="images/94thumb.png" + alt="The new invisible Zeppelins" /></a> + <p class="center">"'AVE YOU 'EARD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE + ZEPPELINS THEY'RE MAKIN'?"</p> + + <p class="center">"YES. BUT I DON'T RECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OF 'EM + OVER 'ERE."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>TAXIS AND TALK.</h3> + + <p>Conversation in the streets of London has never been easy; not, at any + rate, until the small hours, when the best of it is done. But it becomes + even more complex when one of the talkers is pressed for time and wants a + taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare as new jokes in a revue.</p> + + <p>Let the following dialogue prove it. I leave open the question whether + or not I have reported the real terms of our conversation, merely + reminding you that two men together, removed from the frivolity of women, + tend, even in the street and when the thermometer is below + freezing-point, to a high seriousness rare when the sexes are + mingled.</p> + + <p>Imagine us facing a wind from the east composed of steel filings and + all uncharity. We are somewhere in Chelsea, and for some reason or other, + or none at all, I am accompanying him.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>looking at his watch</i>). I've got to be at Grosvenor + Gardens by half-past one and there's not a taxi anywhere. We must walk + fast and perhaps we'll meet one. Dash this War anyhow. (<i>He said, as a + matter of fact, "damn," but I am getting so tired of that word, in print + that I shall employ alternatives every time. Someone really must + institute a close season for "damns" or they won't any longer be funny on + the stage; and, since to laugh in theatres has become a national duty, + that, in the present state of the wit market, would be privation + indeed.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>I</i> (<i>submerged by brain wave</i>). Perhaps we'll meet one.</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Keep a sharp look out, won't you? I 've got to be there by + half-past one, and I hate to be late.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> Those tailors you were asking me about—I think you'll + find them very decent people. They——</p> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Here comes one. Hi! Hi!</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>A taxi, obviously full of people, approaches and passes, + the driver casting a pitying glance at my poor signalling + friend.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>He.</i> I thought it was free.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> The flag was down.</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> I couldn't be sure. What were you saying? Sorry.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> Oh, only about those tailors. If you really want to change, + you know, I could——</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Do you mind walking a little faster?</p> + + <p><i>I</i> (<i>mendaciously</i>). Not at all. I could give you my card, + don't you know. But of course you might not like them. Tastes differ. To + me they seem to be first-rate, as tailors go.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>profoundly—though he is not more profound than I + am</i>). Of course, as tailors go.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> They 're best at——</p> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>excited again</i>). Here's another. Hi! Hi! Taxi. No, + it's engaged.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> (<i>with a kind impulse</i>). If you'll ask me, I'll tell you + whether the flags are up or not. I think I must be able to see farther + than you.</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Do.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> I was always rather famous for long sight. + It's——</p> + + <p><i>He (turning round)</i>). Isn't that one behind us? Is that + free?</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> I can't tell yet.</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Surely the flag's up.</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>He steps into the road and waves his + stick.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>I.</i> It's a private car.</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Hang the thing! so it is. They <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page95" id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> ought to be painted white or + something. Life is not worth living just now.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> They're best for trousers, I should say. Their + overcoats——</p> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>pointing up side-street</i>). Isn't that one there? Hi, + taxi! Good heavens, that other fellow's got it. We really must walk + faster. If there isn't one on the rank in Sloane Square, I'm done. If + there's one thing I hate it's being late. Besides, I'm blamed hungry. + When I'm hungry I'm miserable till I eat. No good to anyone.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> As I was saying——</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> What I want to know is, where are the taxis? They're not on + the streets, anyway; then where are they? One never sees a yard full of + them, but they must be somewhere. It's a scandal—a positive + outrage.</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> Their overcoats can be very disappointing. I don't know how + it is, but they don't seem to understand overcoats. But they're so good + in other ways, you know, that really if you are + thinking——</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Here's one, really empty. Hi! Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>The flag is up but the driver shakes his head, makes a + noise which sounds like "dinner" and glides serenely on.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>He.</i> Well, I'm blamed! Did you ever see anything like it? What's + that he said?</p> + + <p><i>I.</i> It sounded like "dinner."</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Dinner! Of all the something cheek! Dinner! What's the + world coming to?</p> + + <p><i>I</i> (<i>brilliantly</i>). Perhaps he's hungry.</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> Hungry! Greedy, you mean. Hansom drivers never refused to + take you because they were hungry. It's monstrous. Bless the War, anyway. + (<i>Looking at his watch</i>) I say, we must put a spurt on. You don't + mind, do you?</p> + + <p><i>I</i> (<i>more mendaciously, and wondering why I'm so weak</i>). + Oh, no.</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>We both begin to scuttle, half run and half + walk.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>I</i> (<i>panting</i>). As I was saying, they're not A1 at + overcoats, but they've a first-class cutter for everything else. Just + tell me if you want to change and I'll introduce you, and then you'll get + special treatment. There's nothing they wouldn't do for me.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>breathlessly</i>). Ah! There's the rank. There's just + one cab there. How awful if it were to be taken before he saw us. Run + like Heaven.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> (<i>running like Heaven</i>). I think I'll leave you + here.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>running still more like Heaven, a little ahead</i>). Oh + no, come on. I want to hear about those tailors. Hi! Hi! Wave your stick + like Heaven!</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>We both wave our sticks like Heaven.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>subsiding into a walk</i>). Ah! it's all right. He's + seen us. (<i>Taking out his watch</i>) I've got four minutes. We shall + just do it. Good-bye.</p> + + <blockquote>[<i>He leaps into the cab and I turn away wondering where I + shall get lunch.</i></blockquote> + + <p><i>He</i> (<i>shouting from window</i>). Let me know about those + tailors some day; if they're any good, you know.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/95.png"><img width="100%" src="images/95thumb.png" + alt="Are ye wounded, Terence?" /></a> + <p>"ARE YE WOUNDED, TERENCE?"</p> + + <p>"I AM THAT, MICHAEL; 'TIS IN THE FUT."</p> + + <p>"BAD CESS TO THIM BODY-SHIELDS! I NIVER HAD MUCH FAITH IN THIM!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"'The best people are still wearing their own clothes,' said + Mr. Williams."—<i>Star</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the best people are wearing the + KING'S.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"DONKEYS.—Wanted to purchase 100 reasonable. Apply + M.S." <i>Advt. in Colonial + Paper</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>We have never met this kind of donkey ourselves, but we wish M.S. the + best of luck.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span> + +<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3> + +<p class="center">"ANTHONY IN WONDERLAND."</p> + + <p>It was not till about the middle of the play, and after a narcotic had + been administered to him, that <i>Anthony</i> got there; but we were in + Wonderland almost from the start, without the aid of drugs. For we were + asked to believe that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was a visionary, amorous of an + ideal which no earthly woman could realise for him. Occasionally he had + caught a glimpse of it in the creations of Art—at the Tate Gallery + or Madame TUSSAUD'S or the cinema; but in Bond Street never.</p> + + <p>And the pity of it was that he had come in for a fortune of seven + hundred thousand pounds odd, which would pass elsewhere unless he married + by a given date. It was therefore the clear duty of his relatives—a + couple of sisters and their husbands—to find a wife for him. After + vainly trying him with every pretty woman of their acquaintance they had + resort, in desperation, to the black art of a certain <i>Mr. Mortimer + John</i> (U.S.A.), an infallible inventor of stunts, who made a rapid + diagnosis of the case and at once pronounced himself confident of + success.</p> + + <p>Briefly—for it is a long and elaborate story—his scheme is + to choose a charming girl, and make a film drama round her. + <i>Anthony</i>, with family, is taken to see the show and occupies the + best box in the Prince of Wales's Theatre, from which, after a little + critical comment upon us in the audience, he falls in love with the + heroine. It is the typical film of lurid life on a Californian ranch, and + might almost have been modelled on one of Mr. Punch's cinema burlesques. + There are the familiar scenes of a plot to hang the girl's lover, swiftly + alternating with scenes of her progress on horseback through the primeval + forest, and concluding with her arrival just in time to shoot the villain + and untie the noose that encircles her lover's carotid.</p> + + <p>On the return of the party from the cinema, <i>Mortimer John</i> + describes to <i>Anthony</i> the powers of a drug which induces the most + vivid of dreams. He, <i>John</i>, had once been in <i>Anthony's</i> + pitiful case, and through the services of this drug had achieved his + quest of the ideal woman. <i>Anthony</i>, greatly intrigued, consents to + swallow a sample of the potion. It is a simple narcotic, and under its + influence he is conveyed, in a state of coma and a suitable change of + apparel, into the heart of Surrey, where at sunrise he is restored to + animation and has the scenes of the evening's drama re-enacted before his + eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition. Under the impression that this + is merely the vivid dream that he had been promised, he himself takes + part in the living drama, playing the noble <i>rôle</i> of an + exceptionally white man. In the course of it he exchanges pledges of + eternal love with <i>Aloney</i> the heroine. Finally, in a spasm of + heroic self-sacrifice, he takes poison with the alleged purpose of saving + the heroine's life. We never quite gather how his suicide should serve + this end, but then the whole atmosphere is charged with that obscurity + which is the very breath of the film-drama.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/96.png"><img width="100%" src="images/96thumb.png" + alt="An Idyll of Movie-land." /></a> + <h4>AN IDYLL OF MOVIE-LAND.</h4> + + <p class="center"><i>Anthony Silvertree</i> MR. CHARLES HAWTREY.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Aloney</i> MISS WINIFRED BARNES.</p> + </div> + <p>The poison is nothing worse than another dose of the narcotic, and + under its spell he is spirited back to London, where, on arrival, he is + confronted with the lady of his "dream," and <i>Mortimer John</i> secures + a colossal fee. In addition, for he has had the happy thought of + selecting his own daughter for the heroine, he secures a plutocrat for + his son-in-law.</p> + + <p>The worst of a play in which one is conducted out of ordinary life + into the regions of improbability by processes of which every step has to + be just conceivably possible, is that the conscientious development of + the scheme is apt to be tedious. And, frankly, the first scene or two, + though lightened by expectation, were on the heavy side.</p> + + <p>But the film itself, when we got to it, was excellent fooling, and the + reconstruction of the original drama at Dorking-in-the-Wild-West was + really delightful. You can easily guess that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, as a + cinema hero, very conscious of his heroism ("it's a way we have in + Montague Square"), but always comfortably aware that in a dream, as he + imagines it to be, he can well afford to make the handsomest of + sacrifices, had a great chance. And he took it.</p> + + <p>As the heroine, who has to play a rather thankless part in the + mercenary designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED BARNES contrived, very + naïvely and prettily, to preserve an air of maiden reluctance under the + most discouraging conditions. As <i>Mortimer John</i> Mr. SYDNEY + VALENTINE had admirable scope for his sound and businesslike methods. Of + <i>Anthony's</i> relations, all very natural and human, Miss LYDIA + BILBROOKE was an attractive figure, and the part of <i>Herbert + Clatterby</i>, K.C., was played by Mr. EDMUND MAURICE with his accustomed + ease of manner.</p> + + <p>If I wanted to find fault with any detail of the construction, it + would be in the matter of the ring which <i>Anthony</i> places on the + finger of <i>Aloney</i> in the cinema play. This was a spontaneous act + not included in the scheme for which <i>Mortimer John</i> was given the + credit. Yet as the means by which <i>Anthony</i> identified her on his + return to consciousness it went far to bring that scheme to fruition. I + think also that he ought to have shown some trace of surprise (I should + myself) on finding that he had unconsciously exchanged his spotless + evening clothes for the kit of a broncho-buster.</p> + + <p>I have hinted already at the comparative dulness of the long + introduction to what is the <i>clou</i> of the play—the film and + its reconstructed scenes. Why not take a further wrinkle from the + cinematic drama and throw upon the screen a succinct résumé of the + previous argument? Three or four minutes of steady application to the + text, and we might plunge into the very heart of things. I throw out this + suggestion not with any hope of reward, but in part payment of my debt + for some very joyous laughter. O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"Wanted, Gentlewoman a few days old." + <i>The Lady</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>This is much prettier than "Baby taken from birth."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> + +<table><tr><td> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97athumb.png" + alt="And look here, Fritz" /></a> + <p class="center">"AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ—</p> + </div> +</td><td> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97bthumb.png" + alt="whatever happens" /></a> + <p class="center">—WHATEVER HAPPENS—</p> + </div> +</td><td> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97cthumb.png" + alt="see you keep" /></a> + <p class="center">—SEE YOU KEEP—</p> + </div> +</td></tr><tr><td> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97dthumb.png" + alt="them hands of yours" /></a> + <p class="center">—THEM HANDS OF YOURS—</p> + </div> +</td><td> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97e.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97ethumb.png" + alt="well above" /></a> + <p class="center">—WELL ABOVE—</p> + </div> +</td><td> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97f.png"><img width="100%" src="images/97fthumb.png" + alt="your blinkin' head." /></a> + <p class="center">—YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."</p> + </div> +</td></tr></table> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A SONG OF THE WOODLAND ELVES.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We hear the ruthless axes; we watch our rafters fall;</p> + <p>The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-hall;</p> + <p>Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn—</p> + <p>Yet more would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours;</p> + <p>The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;</p> + <p>And we were forest rangers before these woods had name,</p> + <p>And we were elves in England before the Romans came.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild bulls feed;</p> + <p>We gave our oaks to ALFRED to build his ships at need;</p> + <p>And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood</p> + <p>Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,</p> + <p>The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away;</p> + <p>For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,</p> + <p>Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.</p> + <p class="i16">W.H.O.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>GOOD OLD GOTHIC.</h4> + + <blockquote>[An agitation for the total disuse of the Latin character, we + learn from Press quotations published in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, is + raging through the German Empire, and the Prussian Minister of the + Interior has forbidden the use of any other character than German Gothic + in the publications of the Statistical Bureau.]</blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The ways of the Hun comprehension elude,</p> + <p>They're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude;</p> + <p>For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,</p> + <p>He is often incurably stupid and dense</p> + <p>To the point of allowing his patriot zeal</p> + <p>To put a large spoke in his own driving-wheel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An excellent instance of zeal of this sort</p> + <p>Is the movement, endorsed by official support,</p> + <p>To ban Latin type in the papers that flow</p> + <p>From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe</p> + <p>And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic type;</p> + <p>It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,</p> + <p>For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat;</p> + <p>It adds to the labour of reading, and tries</p> + <p>The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,</p> + <p>And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid</p> + <p>To people engaged in the spectacle trade.</p> + <p>But these manifest drawbacks to little amount</p> + <p>When tried by the only criteria that count:</p> + <p>Though the people who use it don't really need it,</p> + <p>It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.</p> + <p>It is solid, <i>echt-Deutsch</i>, free from Frenchified froth,</p> + <p>And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau</p> + <p>Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,</p> + <p>They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope</p> + <p>Will be followed beyond its original scope;</p> + <p>For the more German books that in Gothic are printed</p> + <p>The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,</p> + <p>And the larger the number, released from its gripe,</p> + <p>Of the students of Latin ideas—and type.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frames, + nicely upholstered and sound, 12/6 each; also 2 armchairs, 4 small + chairs, walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, £2; 5 other chairs, + upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each."—<i>The + Bazaar</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>Has this sort of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval? Some hens are already + too much inclined to sit when we want them to lay.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span> + +<h3>THE TIPINBANOLA.</h3> + + <p>"There," I said, "you've interrupted me again."</p> + + <p>"Tut tut," said Francesca.</p> + + <p>"And the dogs are barking," I said, "and the guinea-hens are + squawking."</p> + + <p>"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-hens; they're + much too far away."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but I know they're squawking—they always are—and for + a sensitive highly-strung man it's the same thing."</p> + + <p>"Tut-t——"</p> + + <p>"Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, "for I am engaged in + a most complicated and difficult arithmetical calculation."</p> + + <p>"If," said Francesca deliberately, "two men in corduroys, with straps + below their knees, and a boy in flannel shorts, all working seven hours + and a half per day for a week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an + acre of land, how many girls in knickerbockers will be required + to——"</p> + + <p>"Stop, Francesca," I said, "or I shall go mad."</p> + + <p>"If," she continued inexorably, "a train travelling at the rate of + sixty-two miles and three-quarters in an hour takes two and a half + seconds to pass a lame man walking in the same direction find how many + men with one arm each can board a motor-bus in Piccadilly Circus, having + first extracted the square root of the wheel-base."</p> + + <p>"Stow it," I said.</p> + + <p>"Isn't that rude?" she said.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said; "it was intended to be."</p> + + <p>"Well, but what <i>are</i> you doing?"</p> + + <p>"I'm calculating rates of percentage on the new War Loan," I said.</p> + + <p>"Why worry over that?" she said. "It announces itself as a + five-per-center, and I'm willing to take it at its word. What's your + difficulty? Surely you do not impute prevarication to the CHANCELLOR OF + THE EXCHEQUER."</p> + + <p>"No," I said, "far from it. I have the greatest possible respect for + him. I'm sure he would not deceive a poor investor; but he doesn't know + my difficulties. It's this getting £100 by paying only £95 that's + knocking me sideways; and then there's the income tax, and the other loan + at four per cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and the + conversion of the old four-and-a-half per cent. War Loan, and of the + various lots of Exchequer Bonds. It's all as generous as it can be, but + for a man whose mathematical education has been, shall we say, defective, + it's as bad as a barbed-wire entanglement."</p> + + <p>"Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just plank down your + money and take what they give you. That's my motto."</p> + + <p>"No doubt," I said; "that's all very well for you. You aren't the head + of the household, with all its cares depending on you. Heads of + households ought-to know their exact position."</p> + + <p>"Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt their arithmetic + better and remembered more of it. The children and I haven't allowed + ourselves to be hindered by little obstacles of that kind."</p> + + <p>"What," I said, "are you and the children in it too?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, we're all in it. I've put in the spare money from the + housekeeping——"</p> + + <p>"I always knew you got too much."</p> + + <p>"And the children have chipped in with their savings."</p> + + <p>"Savings?" I said. "How have they got any savings?"</p> + + <p>"Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which were put into + the Post Office Savings Bank. They're all out now and into the + Loan—all, that is, except Frederick's little all."</p> + + <p>"And what's happened to that?"</p> + + <p>"That's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea. He was + fascinated by the poster, and insisted that his money should go in the + purchase of cartridges, so there it is."</p> + + <p>"And at the end of five years he'll get back £1 for every 15<i>s.</i> + 6<i>d.</i> he's put in."</p> + + <p>"Yes, he'll get £5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."</p> + + <p>"You don't mean to say he jibbed about getting his money back?"</p> + + <p>"That's precisely what did happen. He said he'd <i>given</i> the money + for cartridge buying, and how could he take it back with a bit extra + after the cartridges had been bought. He's really rather annoyed about + it."</p> + + <p>"I shall tell him," I said, "not to let it worry him, and shall + explain to him how much <i>per cent.</i> he's getting <i>per + annum</i>."</p> + + <p>"You'll have to work it out yourself first of all," she said, "and I + know you can't do that. And, by the way, you may as well be ready for + him; he's going to ask you if he may join the Army as a drummer-boy."</p> + + <p>"What on earth's put that into his head?"</p> + + <p>"He's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he's invented a musical + instrument of his own. It's made out of a cardboard box, some pins and + two or three elastic bands. There it is—you'll find its name + inscribed on it."</p> + + <p>I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pencilled letters this + strange device: "THE TIPINBANOLA; made for soldiers only."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "it's a superb name. Where did he get it + from?"</p> + + <p>"Out of his head," she said.</p> + + <p>"I wonder," I said, "if he keeps any arithmetic there?"</p> + + <p>"Ask him; I'm sure he'd be proud to help you."</p> + + <p>"No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."</p> + + <p>"And the guinea-hens," she said, "are still squawking."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "isn't it awful?"</p> + + <p>"I'll go and stop them," she said.</p> + + <p>"It's no good," I said, "I shan't hear them stop."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>R.C.L.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/98.png"><img width="100%" src="images/98thumb.png" + alt="The Modern Raleigh" /></a> + <h4>THE MODERN RALEIGH.</h4> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote>"If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his + shutters."—<i>A farmer in "The Daily News."</i></blockquote> + + <p>And if the shop-walker is taken, the tradesman may as well let his + windows lie fallow.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/99.png"><img width="100%" src="images/99thumb.png" + alt="What do you mean by feeding that horse?" /></a> + <p><i>Officer</i>. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HORSE BEFORE THE + CALL SOUNDED?"</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. "I DIDN'T THINK AS 'OW 'E'D START EATING BEFORE THE + TRUMPET BLEW, SIR."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h4> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</p> + + <p>Mr. S.P.B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to <i>Interlude</i> (CHAPMAN + AND HALL), tells us that he has "simply tried to show what a man + constituted like Shelley would have made of his life had he bean alive in + 1917." Without any doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however, bound + to add this warning (if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough), that a novel with such + a purpose is not, and could not be, milk for babes. Nothing that I had + previously read of Mr. MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he + shows here. Obviously attached to the modern school of novelists, he has + many of its faults and more of its virtues. One may accept his main point + of view, yet be offended sometimes by his details. But the fact remains + that in <i>Geoffrey Battersby</i> he has given us a piece of + character-drawing almost flawlessly perfect. Not for a very long time has + it been my good fortune to attend such a triumph, and I wish to proclaim + it. The women by whom <i>Geoffrey</i>, the weak and the wayward, was + attracted hither and thither are also well drawn; but here Mr. MAIS shows + his present limitations. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has within him + the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if he will free + himself from certain marked prejudices his future lies straight and clear + before him.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FINDLATER to call + their new book of short stories <i>Seen and Heard</i> (SMITH, ELDER), + with the sub-title, <i>Before and After 1914</i>. I say short stories, + but actually these have so far outgrown the term that a half-dozen of + them make up the volume. They are all examples of the same gentle and + painstaking craft that their writers have before now exhibited elsewhere. + Here are no sensational happenings; the drama of the tales is wholly + emotional. My own favourites are the first, called "The Little Tinker," a + half-ironical study of the temptation of a tramp mother to surrender her + child to the blessings of civilisation; and how, by the intervention of a + terrible old woman, the queen of the tribe, this momentary weakness was + overcome. My other choice, the last tale in the collection (and the only + one contributed by Miss MARY FINDLATER), is a dour little comedy of the + regeneration, through poverty and hard work, of two underemployed and + unpleasant elderly ladies. A restful book, such as will keep no one awake + at nights, but will give pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies of + ordinary life sketched with precise and careful finish.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Their Lives</i> (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of + originality, that it ends with the wedding of somebody other than the + heroine, or rather, I should say, the chief heroine, because, strictly + speaking, all three daughters of <i>Mr.</i> and <i>Mrs. Radmall</i> might + be said jointly to fill this post, but it is <i>Christina</i>, the + eldest, who fills most of it. The other two were named <i>Virgilia</i> + and <i>Orinthia</i>, and I can't say that these horrific labels did them + any injustice. As for the story of "their lives," as VIOLET HUNT tells + it, there is really nothing very much to charm in a history of three + disagreeable children developing into detestable young women. Perhaps it + may have some value as a study of feminine adolescence, but I defy anyone + to call the result attractive. Its chief incident, which is (not to mince + matters) the attempted seduction by <i>Christina</i> of a middle-aged + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span> + man, the father of one of her friends, mercifully comes to nothing. I + like to believe that this sort of thing is as unusual as it is + unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of the "artistic" household in + which the children grew up, of their managing mother, and the slightly + soured and disappointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough. + But what unamiable people they all are! "MILES IGNOTUS," who supplies a + quaintly attractive little preface, in which he speaks of having read the + book in proof under shell-fire, affects to discover in them a kinship + with Prussia. Certainly they are almost frightful enough.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Having read all about <i>The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan</i> (DUCKWORTH) + from obscurity to wealth, literary success and aristocratic wedlock, I + should be infinitely content to leave him at that and have done; but Mr. + ALFRED TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to follow, and even + hints that the sequel, opening in July, 1914, may in many respects be far + indeed from the dulness of happily-ever-after. If <i>Ledgar</i> had been + satisfied to marry the sweetheart of his school-days there might have + been some danger of such a disaster; but, having put his humble past, + including his Nonconformist conscience, too diligently behind him for + that, he will have to face whatever his author and the KAISER may have in + store, supported only by a wife who is going, I trust and believe, to + revenge on him all the irritation which she and I both felt at his + attitude of unemotional superiority towards all the world. Some people + may think it almost a pity that the lady cannot deal similarly with Mr. + SHEPPARD himself in just reprisal for his long-winded and nebulous way of + talking about Anti-Christ and Armageddon, and for his revolting incidents + of murder and insanity introduced without any excuse of necessity. The + book contains a considerable element of lively if undiscriminating + humour, but its insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless + his hero's future fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript one + would like to remind the author that essays in this kind are the easiest + form of all literary effort and the least supportable.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>With Serbia into Exile</i> (MELROSE) is a book that will suffer + little from the fact that its tragic tale has already been told by + several other pens. Mr. FORTIER JONES, the writer, has much that is fresh + to say, and a very fresh and vigorous way of saying it. His book and + himself are both American of the best kind—which is to say, + wonderfully resourceful, observant, sympathetic and alive. From a + newspaper flung away by a stranger on the Broadway Express, Mr. JONES + first became aware that men were wanted for relief work in Serbia, and + "in an hour I had become part of the expedition." That is a phrase + characteristic of the whole book. Though the matter of it is the story, + "incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a nation going into exile, + Mr. JONES has always a keen eye for the picturesque and even humorous + aspects of the tragedy; he has a quick sense of the effective which + enables him to touch in many haunting pictures—the delusive peace + of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian mountains; the face of KING PETER + seen for a moment by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees; and countless + others. More than a passing mention also is due to the many quite + admirable snapshots with which the volume is illustrated. The author + seems successfully to have communicated his own gifts of observation and + selection to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those who + look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons to think that our + American cousins will read this book.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Man in the Fog</i> (HEATH, CRANTON) is a book that I find + exceedingly hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY TIGHE, has several + previous stories to his credit, all of which seem to have moved the + critics to pleasant sayings. But for my own part I have frankly to + confess that I found <i>The Man in the Fog</i> somewhat wheezy company. + The <i>Man</i> of the title was a kind of Northern Joseph, dismissed from + a promising partnership with Potiphar after a domestic intrigue on the + lines of the original. The fog happens when, years later, he meets the + daughter of Mrs. Potiphar returning to her mother's house, and (at the + risk of the poor girl catching her death) detains her on the front step + with foggy allusions to the mysterious past. I may mention that his own + conduct in the interval had been such as I can only regard as a + lamentable relapse from the altitude of the earlier chapters. But it is + all vastly serious—it would perhaps be unkind to say + sententious—and wholly unruffled by the faintest suggestion of + comedy. For which reason I should never be startled to learn that HARRY + TIGHE was either youthful, Scotch, or female (or indeed, for that matter, + all three). In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent + my parting advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch, and the + selection of such words as come easily from the tongue. Some of the + dialogue in the present book is painfully unhuman.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/100.png"><img width="100%" src="images/100thumb.png" + alt="God bless the old woman!" /></a> + <p>"GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN! SHE <i>IS</i> THOUGHTFUL. I TOLD 'ER THERE + WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IF SHE + 'ASN'T SENT ME A PAIR OF SKATES!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>A Great Problem Solved.</h4> + + <p>Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands, others fasten them + on their wrists, others wear them attached to cords. A correspondent + writes:—</p> + + <blockquote>"In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement + excellently suited for the purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that + it shall be at once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a + horizontal slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of + the coat, and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of + linen, the whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off + with a flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of + ordinary dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those who may + not be acquainted with it."</blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote>"Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who + are fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took + the field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for + twenty years with equanimity."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</blockquote> + + <p>Or even for the duration of the War.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14450 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14450-h/images/100.png b/14450-h/images/100.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7aafed0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14450-h/images/100.png diff --git a/14450-h/images/100thumb.png b/14450-h/images/100thumb.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..06b4349 --- /dev/null +++ b/14450-h/images/100thumb.png diff --git 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