initial commit of ebook 14450HEADmain

1 files changed, 1958 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/old/14450.txt b/old/14450.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..121f7f7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14450.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1958 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152,
+Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 152, Feb. 7, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 24, 2004 [EBook #14450]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 7th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical performance,
+entitled _The German Blacksmith_, of which he was part author. It is not
+yet known in what way his people had offended him.
+
+       ***
+
+It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted the
+Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even prepared to
+put out his tongue at the KAISER.
+
+       ***
+
+Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of selling
+his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest German Note to
+America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given them away.
+
+       ***
+
+As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance in
+Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported that
+the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the _role_
+of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the furtherance of the
+league to enforce peace.
+
+       ***
+
+Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg _Fremdenblatt_,
+received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of the Fatherland, fight
+on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers have written across the
+cards, "Fight on what?"
+
+       ***
+
+After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in this
+country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few honourable
+exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien business men
+have sedulously concealed their identity.
+
+       ***
+
+The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the
+middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has
+already thrown out some nice strong suckers.
+
+       ***
+
+"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1_s._ 6_d._ a pound in Norwich."
+But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of Wensleydale
+cheese in Ilfracombe.
+
+       ***
+
+The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel, the
+other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused. It
+appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal before a
+new Government department commandeered the place.
+
+       ***
+
+The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates'
+expenses shall not exceed 4_d._ per elector in three-member boroughs, and
+several political agents have written to point out that it cannot possibly
+be done in view of the recent increase in the price of beer.
+
+       ***
+
+The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course from
+18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved should be
+added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal from the FOOD
+CONTROLLER.
+
+       ***
+
+A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13_s._ 6_d._ a week, board and
+lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work fifteen hours a day. It
+is understood that this insidious attempt to popularise agriculture at the
+expense of the army has been the subject of a heated interchange of letters
+between the War Office and the Board of Agriculture.
+
+       ***
+
+"The warmest places in England yesterday," says _The Pall Mall Gazette_,
+"were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got into trouble
+before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great Britain as
+England, but we never said a thing like that.
+
+       ***
+
+A London doctor, says _The Daily Mail_, estimates that colds cost this
+country L15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once that
+we think the charge is excessive.
+
+       ***
+
+A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph messenger
+running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a position to
+clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in question was in the
+act of going off duty.
+
+       ***
+
+There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets--until a suitable
+palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary responsible
+for this feature.
+
+       ***
+
+The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is likely
+that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in vogue in
+Soho restaurants.
+
+       ***
+
+The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues, and
+several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if income tax
+has been deducted at the source.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T
+YOU HEAR ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"
+
+_Geordie (a trade-unionist)._ "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE KILLED MA
+FOWER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke of York's
+    in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in
+    1894."--_The Stage_.
+
+Is it _really_ only twenty-three years?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant surprise. A
+    sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into glassy ice,
+    which made walking impossible without some assistance. A walking-stick,
+    without some sort of boot covering, was of little avail."--_Oxford
+    Times_.
+
+That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely
+bootless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD-LARKS.
+
+Our mess was situated on the crest of a ridge, and enjoyed an uninterrupted
+view of rolling leagues of mud; it had the appearance of a packing-case
+floating on an ocean of ooze.
+
+We and our servants, and our rats and our cockroaches, and our other
+bosom-companions slept in tents pitched round and about the mess.
+
+The whole camp was connected with the outer world by a pathway of
+ammunition boxes, laid stepping-stone-wise; we went to and fro, lepping
+from box to box as leps the chamois from Alp to Alp. Should you miss your
+lep there would be a swirl of mud, a gulping noise, and that was the end of
+you; your sorrowing comrades shed a little chloride of lime over the spot
+where you were last seen, posted you as "Believed missing" and indented for
+another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-Marshal, as the case might be).
+
+Our mess was constructed of loosely piled shell boxes, and roofed by a tin
+lid. We stole the ingredients box by box, and erected the house with our
+own fair hands, so we loved it with parental love; but it had its little
+drawbacks. Whenever the field guns in our neighbourhood did any business,
+the tin lid rattled madly and the shell boxes jostled each other all over
+the place. It was quite possible to leave our mess at peep o'day severely
+Gothic in design, and to return at dewy eve to find it rakishly Rococo.
+
+William, our Transport Officer and Mess President, was everlastingly piping
+all hands on deck at unseemly hours to save the home and push it back into
+shape; we were householders in the fullest sense of the term.
+
+Before the War, William assures us, he was a bright young thing, full of
+merry quips and jolly practical jokes, the life and soul of any party, but
+what with the contortions of the mess and the vagaries of the transport
+mules he had become a saddened man.
+
+Between them--the mules and the mess--he never got a whole night in bod;
+either the mules were having bad dreams, sleep-walking into strange lines
+and getting themselves abhorred, or the field guns were on the job and the
+mess had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had not been the perfect little
+gentleman he is, and had dropped a shell anywhere near us (instead of
+assiduously spraying a distant ridge where nobody ever was, is, or will be)
+our mess would have been with Tyre and Sidon; but Hans never forgot himself
+for a moment; it was our own side we distrusted. The Heavies, for instance.
+The Heavies warped themselves laboriously into position behind our hill,
+disguised themselves as gooseberry bushes, and gave an impression of the
+crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy morning.
+
+Our mess immediately broke out into St. Vitus's dance, and William piped
+all hands on deck.
+
+The Skipper, picturesquely clad in boots (gum, high) and a goat's skin,
+flung himself on the east wing, and became an animated buttress. Albert
+Edward climbed aloft and sat on the tin lid, which was opening and shutting
+at every pore. Mactavish put his shoulder to the south wall to keep it from
+working round to the north. I clung to the pantry, which was coming adrift
+from its parent stem, while William ran about everywhere, giving advice and
+falling over things. The mess passed rapidly through every style of
+architecture, from a Chinese pagoda to a Swiss chalet, and was on the point
+of confusing itself with a Spanish castle when the Heavies switched off
+their hate and went to bed. And not a second too soon. Another moment and I
+should have dropped the pantry, Albert Edward would have been sea-sick, and
+the Skipper would have let the east wing go west.
+
+We pushed the mess back into shape, and went inside it for a peg of
+something and a consultation. Next evening William called on the Heavies'
+commander and decoyed him up to dine. We regaled him with wassail and
+gramophone and explained the situation to him. The Lord of the Heavies, a
+charming fellow, nearly burst into tears when he heard of the ill he had
+unwittingly done us, and was led home by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing to
+withdraw his infernal machines, or beat them into ploughshares, the very
+next day. The very next night our mess, without any sort of preliminary
+warning, lost its balance, sat down with a crash, and lay littered about a
+quarter of an acre of ground. We all turned out and miserably surveyed the
+ruins. What had done it? We couldn't guess. The field guns had gone to
+bye-bye, the Heavies had gone elsewhere. Hans, the Hun, couldn't have made
+a mistake and shelled us? Never! It was a mystery; so we all lifted up our
+voices and wailed for William. He was Mess President; it was his fault, of
+course.
+
+At that moment William hove out of the night, driving his tent before him
+by bashing it with a mallet.
+
+According to William there was one, "Sunny Jim," a morbid transport mule,
+inside the tent, providing the motive power. "Sunny Jim" had always been
+something of a somnambulist, and this time he had sleep-walked clean
+through our mess and on into William's tent, where the mallet woke him up.
+He was then making the best of his way home to lines again, expedited by
+William and the mallet.
+
+So now we are messless; now we crouch shivering in tents and talk lovingly
+of the good old times beneath our good old tin roof-tree, of the wonderful
+view of the mud we used to get from our window, and of the homely tune our
+shell-boxes used to perform as they jostled together of a stormy night.
+
+And sometimes, as we crouch shivering in our tents, we hear a strange sound
+stealing up-hill from the lines. It is the mules laughing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+I.
+
+  Goddess, hear me--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+  Patroness of parturition,
+  Pray make this a special mission;
+  Prove a kind inaugurator
+  Of my votive incubator!
+
+  Seventy eggs I put into it--
+  Each a chick, if you ensue it.
+  Pray you, let me not be saddled
+  With a single "clear" or addled.
+  See! the temperature is steady.
+  Now then, Goddess, _are you ready?_
+
+  Hear me, Goddess, next invoking
+  You to keep the lamp from smoking,
+  And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're
+  _Sure_ to regulate the moisture?
+  Oh, Lucina, 'twill be ripping
+  When we hear the eggs all pipping!
+
+  When no chick the shell encumbers,
+  Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers!
+  Then, O patroness of hatches,
+  We will try some further batches.
+  Goddess, hear me!--oh, incline a
+  Gracious ear to me, Lucina!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATRIMONY.--Two young, respectable fellows wish to meet two
+    respectable young girls, between the ages of 20 and 30, view
+    above.--T.S.R. and E.C.P., Clematis P.O., Paradise."--_Melbourne
+    Argus._
+
+If marriages are made in heaven these respectable young fellows have
+selected a really promising postal address.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Nine petty officers were landed from the damaged German destroyer V69
+    and brought to the Willem Barrentz Hotel, Ymuiden, to-night. My
+    correspondent engaged them in conversation at a late hour. After some
+    Dutch Bock beer they rapidly recovered their spirits and began to sing
+    Luther's well-known hymn, 'Ein Feste Bung.'"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a loose "Bung" have pleased them even
+better?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLAIN DUTY.
+
+"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK! I'M GOING IN HERE TO DO MY BIT,
+THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MORE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR THE WAR LOAN,
+THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "STICK TO HIM--STICK TO HIM!"
+
+"I'LL STICK TO HIM, SIR. BUT WHICH ONE DO YOU MEAN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.
+
+IV.
+
+MY DEAR JERRY,--I am writing this from my position on top of a small hill,
+while my devoted band of followers sits round me and waits for me to speak.
+I always sit here, because if I wanted to go somewhere else I should have
+to climb down this hill and then up another one. I hate hills. So does the
+devoted band.
+
+Behind another little hill a hundred yards away we believe there lurks an
+army corps of Bulgars, but we are afraid to look and see. Instead, we fix
+and unfix bayonets every ten minutes and make martial noises. This, we
+hope, affects the enemy's _moral_, and having your _moral_ affected every
+ten minutes is no joke, I can tell you.
+
+The spirit of our troops remains excellent. You can see that this is true
+from the fact that my joke still works. Every night for the last three
+months, while administering quinine to my army, I have exhorted them not to
+be greedy and not to take too much. They still laugh heartily, nay
+uproariously. We are a wonderful nation.
+
+Our chief source of combined instruction and amusement is still the antheap
+beside us, and in this connection, Jeremiah, I must introduce to you
+Herbert, a young officer in the ant A.S.C.
+
+When we first knew Herbert (or "'Erb" as he was known in those days), he
+was an impudent and pushful private. When his corps were engaged in
+removing the larger pieces of straw out of their hole in the hill, many a
+time I have seen him staggering manfully towards the entrance with an
+enormous piece on his slender shoulders, against the tide of his comrades;
+for he never could resist the temptation to replace the really big stalks
+in the hole. As he knocked against one and another the older ants would
+step aside, lay down their loads, and expostulate with him, always ending
+by giving him a good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was never dismayed.
+
+Now and again, during a temporary slackness in the stream, he would
+disappear triumphantly into the hole, his log trailing behind him; but his
+triumph was always short-lived. I would seem to hear a scuffle and two
+bumps, and 'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards, followed by his burden, and
+fall in a heap beside the door. However, as soon as he recovered he would
+try again. On one sultry afternoon I noticed he succeeded in effecting an
+entrance after twenty-three successive chuck-outs.
+
+His persistence piqued my curiosity. I wondered why he should so
+obstinately try to do a thing which was obviously distasteful to all his
+seniors. And then, yesterday, there was a change.
+
+'Erb was resting after his eighth chuck-out under a plank when a venerable
+ant, heavy with the accumulated wisdom and weakness of years, approached
+the exit from within and tried to get out, but in vain. He swore and
+struggled in a futile sort of way, while his attendant subordinates stood
+about helplessly. 'Erb saw his opportunity. He seized his plank, dashed
+forward--you may not believe me, Jerry, but it is the gospel truth--saluted
+smartly, and laid down his plank as a sort of ladder. Supporting himself
+upon it the veteran crawled out. Then he spoke to 'Erb, and I think I saw
+him asking someone the lad's name.
+
+That is why Second Lieutenant Herbert is to-day in charge of a working
+party. He is now engaged in clipping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine
+there must have been some lack of discipline. Possibly his inferior had
+addressed him as "Erb."
+
+Well, all our prospects are pleasing and only Bulgar vile. I must now make
+a martial noise, so _au revoir._
+
+          Thine,
+          PETER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.
+
+_Tommy_ (_by roadside_). "OUT ON THE SPREE AGAIN? GOING TO THE PICTURES?"
+
+_Highlander_. "NO. WE'RE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE GUARD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "_The Motor Cycle_ says over 165,000 magnates have been made in Britain
+    for war purposes."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+And the New Year Honours List (political services) has yet to appear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We owed all this more to our splendid navy and its silent virgil than
+    to anything else."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+We suppose the CENSOR won't let him narrate the epic exploits of the Fleet,
+but he might have allowed him a capital initial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Surbiton residents have supplied for British prisoners in Germany 800
+    waistcoats made from 2,100 old kid gloves."      _Manchester Evening
+    News_.
+
+A notable instance of large-handed generosity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIX VILE VERBS.
+
+(_To the makers of journalese, and others, from a fastidious reader._)
+
+  When I see on a poster
+    A programme which "features"
+  CHARLIE CHAPLIN and other
+    Delectable creatures,
+  I feel just as if
+    Someone hit me a slam
+  Or a strenuous biff
+    On the mid diaphragm.
+
+  When I read in a story,
+    Though void of offences,
+  That somebody "glimpses"
+    Or somebody "senses,"
+  The chord that is struck
+    Fills my bosom with ire,
+  And I'm ready to chuck
+    The whole book in the fire.
+
+  When against any writer
+    It's urged that he "stresses"
+  His points, or that something
+    His fancy "obsesses,"
+  In awarding his blame
+    Though the critic be right,
+  Yet I feel all the same
+    I could shoot him at sight.
+
+  But (worst of these horrors)
+    Whenever I read
+  That somebody "voices"
+    A national need,
+  As the Bulgars and Greeks
+    Are abhorred by the Serb,
+  So I feel toward the freaks
+    Who employ this vile verb.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some of the public men of Rawmarsh have high ambitions for their
+    township, and at the Council meeting on Wednesday there was
+    considerable industrial developments immediately after the war."
+    _Botherham Advertiser_.
+
+Happy Rawmarsh! In our part of the country it is not over yet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "NAVY Pram. for Sale, good condition."      _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Just the thing to prepare baby for being "rocked in the cradle of the
+deep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUPER-CHAR.
+
+    SCENE.--_A square in Kensington. At every other door is seen the lady
+    of the house at work with pail, broom, scrubbing-brush, rags,
+    metal-polish, etc._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    In days before the War
+      Had turned the world to Hades
+        We did not soil
+        Our hands with toil--
+      We all were perfect ladies;
+    To scrub the kitchen floor
+      Was _infra dig._--disgusting;
+        We'd cook, at most,
+        A slice of toast
+      Or do a bit of dusting.
+
+    But those old days are flown,
+      And now we ply our labours:
+        We cook and scrub,
+        We scour and rub,
+      Regardless of our neighbours;
+    The steps we bravely stone,
+      Nor care a straw who passes
+        The while we clean
+        With shameless mien
+      Quite brazenly the brasses.
+
+  _First Lady_. Lo! Who approaches? Some great dame of state?
+  _Second Lady_. Rather I think some walking fashion-plate.
+  _Third Lady_. What clothes! What furs!
+  _First Lady_. And tango boots! How thrilling!
+    They must have cost five guineas if a shilling.
+  _Second Lady_. Sh, dears! It eyes us hard. What can it be?
+  _Third Lady_. It would be spoke to.
+  _Second Lady_.          Would it?
+  _First Lady_.                    Let us see!
+
+                  _Enter the_ Super-Char.
+
+  _Super-char_. My friend the butcher told me 'e'd 'eard say
+    You 'adn't got no servants round this way,
+    And as I've time on 'and--more than I wish,
+    Seein' as all the kids is in munish--
+    I thought as 'ow, pervided that the wige
+    Should suit, I might be willin' to oblige.
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+      O joy! O rapture!
+      If we capture
+          Such a prize as this!
+    Then we may become once more
+    Ladies, as in days of yore,
+    Lay aside the brooms and pails,
+    Manicure our broken nails,
+    Try the last complexion cream--
+    What a dream
+          Of bliss!
+
+  _Super-Char_. 'Old on! Let's get to business, and no kidding!
+    I'm up for auction; 'oo will start the bidding?
+  _First Lady. _I want a charlady from ten to four,
+    To cook the lunch and scrub the basement floor.
+  _Super-Char. _Cook? Scrub? Thanks! Nothink doin'! Next, please! You, Mum,
+    What are the dooties you would 'ave me do, Mum?
+  _Second Lady_. I want a lady who will kindly call
+    And help me dust the dining-room and hall;
+    At tea, if need be, bring an extra cup,
+    And sometimes do a little washing up.
+  _Super-Char_. A little bit of dusting I might lump,
+    But washing up--it gives me fair the 'ump!
+    Next, please!
+  _Third Lady_. My foremost thought would always be
+    The comfort of the lady helping me.
+    We have a cask of beer that's solely for
+    Your use--we are teetotal for the War.
+    I am a cook of more than moderate skill;
+    I'll gladly cook whatever dish you will--
+    Soups, entrees.
+  _Super-Char_. Now you're talkin'! That's some sense!
+    So kindly let me 'ave your reference,
+    And if I finds it satisfact'ry, Mum,
+    Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to come.
+  _Third Lady_. My last good lady left six months ago
+    Because she said I'd singed the _souffle_ so;
+    She gave me no address to write to--
+  _Super-Char_. What!
+    You've got no reference?
+  _Third Lady_.     Alas, I've not!
+  _Super-Char_. Of course I could not dream of taking you
+    Without  one, so there's  nothing more to do.
+    These women--'ow they spoil one's temper! Pah!
+    Hi! (_she hails a passing taxi_) Drive me to the nearest cinema.
+                  [_She steps into the taxi and is whirled off._
+
+                  _Chorus of Ladies._
+
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream;
+    Not yet the barber dresses
+    Our dusty tousled tresses;
+    The thought of titivation
+      Is still a distant dream;
+    Not yet the consolation
+      Of manicure and cream.
+
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub;
+    With rag and metal polish
+    The dirt we must demolish;
+    Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,
+      Among the grates we grub;
+    Still, still, with vim and vigour,
+      'Tis ours to scour and scrub.
+
+                  CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.
+
+"Coincidences," said the ordinary seaman, "are rum things. Now I can tell
+you of a rum un that happened to me."
+
+It said Royal Naval Reserve round his cap, but he looked as if he ought to
+be wearing gold earrings and a gaudy handkerchief.
+
+"When I was a young feller I made a voyage or two in an old hooker called
+the _Pearl of Asia_. Her old man at that time was old Captain Gillson, him
+that had the gold tooth an' the swell ma'ogany fist in place o' the one
+that got blowed off by a rocket in Falmouth Roads. Well, I was walkin' out
+with a young woman at Liverpool--nice young thing--an' she give me a ring
+to keep to remember 'er by, the day before we sailed. Nice thing it was; it
+had 'Mizpah' wrote on it.
+
+"We 'ad two or three fellers in the crowd for'ard that voyage as would
+'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or too 'eavy which explains why I got
+into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o' vallybles, such as joolery, into a bit
+of a cache I found all nice and 'andy in the planking' back o' my bunk.
+
+"We 'ad a long passage of it 'ome, a 'undred-and-sixty days from Portland,
+Oregon, to London River, an' what with thinkin' of the thumpin' lump o' pay
+I'd have to draw an' one thing an' another, I clean forgot all about the
+ring I'd left cached in the little place back o' my bunk yonder.
+
+"Well, I drew my pay all right, and after a bit I tramped it to Liverpool,
+to look out for another ship. An' the first person I met in Liverpool was
+the young woman I 'ad the ring of.
+
+"'Where's my ring?' she says, before I'd time to look round.
+
+"Now, I never was one as liked 'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched her
+a nice yarn about the cache I 'ad at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I vallied
+'er ring that 'igh I stowed it there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I'd slid down
+the anchor cable an' swum ashore an' left everything I 'ad behind me, I was
+that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.
+
+"'Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, 'ye gave it to one o' them nasty yaller
+gals ye sing about.'
+
+"'I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she says; 'I didn't,' says I. An' we went on
+like that for a bit until I says at last, 'If I can get aboard the old
+_Pearl_ again,' I says, 'I'll get the ring,' I says, 'an' send it you in a
+letter,' I says, 'an' then per'aps you'll be sorry for the nasty way you've
+spoke to me,' I says.
+
+"'Ho, yes,' she says, sniffy-like, 'per'aps I will, per'aps I won't,' an'
+off she goes with 'er nose in the air.
+
+"My next ship was for Frisco to load grain; and I made sure of droppin'
+acrost the _Pearl_ there, for she was bound the same way. But I never did.
+She was dismasted in the South Pacific on the outward passage, and had to
+put in to one of them Chile ports for repairs. So she never got to Frisco
+until after we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the way it went on. She kep'
+dodgin' me all over the seven seas, an' the nearest I got to 'er was when
+we give 'er a cheer off Sydney Heads, outward bound, when we was just
+pickin' up our pilot. The last I 'eard of 'er after that was from a feller
+that 'ad seen 'er knockin' round the South Pacific, sailin' out o' Carrizal
+or Antofagasta or one o' them places. I was in the Western Ocean mail-boat
+service at the time, and so o' course she was off my run altogether.
+
+"I was still in the same mail-boat when she give up the passenger business
+an' went on the North Sea patrol.
+
+"Well, one day we boarded a Chile barque in the ordinary course o' duty,
+and I was one o' those as went on board with the lootenant. They generally
+takes me on them jobs, the reason bein' that I know a deal o' foreign
+languages. I don't believe there's a country in the world where I couldn't
+make myself understood, partic'lar when I'm wantin' a drink bad.
+
+"I wasn't takin' that much notice of this 'ere ship at the time (there was
+a bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for one thing, and we 'ad our work
+cut out gettin' alongside), except that 'er name was the _Maria de
+Somethink-or-other_--some Dago name. But while we was waitin' for the
+lootenant to finish 'is business with Old Monkey Brand, which was the
+black-faced Chileno captain she 'ad, it come over me all of a suddent.
+
+"'Strike me pink!' I says, 'may my name be Dennis if I 'aven't seen that
+there bit o' fancy-work on the poop ladder rails before;' which so I 'ad,
+for I done it myself in the doldrums, an' a nice bit o' work it was, too.
+
+"You'll 'ave guessed by now that she was none other than the _Pearl of
+Asia_; an' no wonder I 'adn't reckernised 'er, what with the mess she was
+in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint all over the poop railin's as would
+'ave made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.
+
+"'You carry on 'ere,' I says to the feller that was with me; 'I'm goin'
+for'ard a minute.'
+
+"'Arf a minute, an' I was in my old bunk; an' there was the cache all
+right, just like I left it."
+
+He paused dramatically; I supposed it was for histrionic effect, but it
+lasted so long that I said, "And so I suppose you sent the ring to the girl
+after all?"
+
+"Oh! '_er!_" he said, with an air of surprise, "I've forgot 'er name and
+all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother in one o' them monkey-boats of
+ELDER DEMPSTER'S--'e 'ad the biggest thirst I ever struck."
+
+"But the ring?" I said. "I suppose it was there all right?"
+
+He stopped his pipe down with his thumb, with an enigmatical expression.
+
+"That's where the bloomin' coincidence come in," he said; "it weren't."
+
+C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_to private told off to act as caddie_). "NOW I
+HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAN I HAD PUT ME RIGHT OFF. HAVE
+YOU EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE?"
+
+_Private_. "NOT SINCE I PLAYED IN THE AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP, SIR." (_Colonel
+is put off again._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Miss ----, the World-renounced Teacher of Dancing."--_Southern Standard_.
+
+Another victim of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Major-General_ (_addressing the men before practising an
+attack behind the lines_). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A
+DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL, AND THE REAL THING. THERE ARE THREE
+ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY. NOW (_turning to
+the Regimental Sergeant-Major_) WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENCE?"
+
+_Sergeant-Major_. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO TOWSER.
+
+  No pampered pound of peevish fluff
+  That goggles from a lady's muff
+  Art thou, my Towser. In the Park
+  Thy form occasions no remark
+  Unless it be a friendly call
+  From soldiers walking in the Mall,
+  Or the impertinence of pugs
+  Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.
+  For thou art sturdy and thy fur
+  Is rougher than the prickly burr,
+  Thy manners brusque, thy deep "bow wow"
+  (Inherited, but Lord knows how!)
+  Far other than the frenzied yaps
+  That emanate from ladies' laps,
+  Thou art, in fact, of doggy size
+  And hast the brown and faithful eyes,
+  So full of love, so void of blame,
+  That fill a master's heart with shame
+  Because he knows he never can
+  Be more a dog and less a man.
+  No champion of a hundred shows,
+  The prey of every draught that blows,
+  Art thou; in fact thy charms present
+  The earmarks of a mixed descent.
+  And, though too proud to start a fight
+  With every cur that looms in sight,
+  None ever saw thee quail beneath
+  A foeman worthy of thy teeth.
+  Thou art, in brief, a model hound,
+  Not so much beautiful as sound
+  In heart and limb; not always strong
+  When nose and eyes impel to wrong,
+  Nor always doing just as bid,
+  But sterling as the minted quid.
+  And I have loved thee in my fashion,
+  Shared with thy face my frugal ration,
+  Squandered my balance at the bank
+  When thou didst chew the postman's shank,
+  And gone in debt replacing stocks
+  Of private cats and Plymouth Rocks.
+  And, when they claimed the annual fee
+  That seals the bond twixt thee and me,
+  Against harsh Circumstance's edge
+  Did I not put my fob in pledge
+  And cheat the minions of excise
+  Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize?
+  And thou with leaps of lightsome mood
+  Didst bark eternal gratitude
+  And seek my feelings to assail
+  With agitations of the tail.
+  Yet are there beings lost to grace
+  Who claim that thou art out of place,
+  That when the dogs of war are loose
+  Domestic kinds are void of use,
+  And that a chicken or a hog
+  Should take the place of every dog,
+  Which, though with appetite endued,
+  Is not itself a source of food.
+  What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll
+  Renounce the cheap but wholesome meal
+  That men begrudge us, and we'll take
+  Our leave of bones and puppy cake.
+  Back to the woods we'll hie, and there
+  Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,
+  Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,
+  Dine upon rabbits' eggs and dig
+  With practised paw and eager snuffle
+  The shy but oh! so toothsome truffle.
+                  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens to close the natural course of
+    the River Ebbw, seriously interfering with its ffllww."--_Star_.
+
+It certainly sounds rather diverting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of gramophone records:--
+
+    "Nothing could seem easier in the wide world than the emission of the
+    cascade of notes that falls from the mouth of the horn--which might
+    indeed be Tetrazzini's own mouth."
+
+"The diameter of my own gramophone horn is eighteen inches," writes the
+sender of the extract.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE ROAD TO VICTORY."
+
+GERMANY. "ARE WE NEARLY THERE, ALL-HIGHEST?"
+
+ALL-HIGHEST. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'AVE YOU 'EARD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE ZEPPELINS
+THEY'RE MAKIN'?"
+
+"YES. BUT I DON'T RECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OF 'EM OVER 'ERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAXIS AND TALK.
+
+Conversation in the streets of London has never been easy; not, at any
+rate, until the small hours, when the best of it is done. But it becomes
+even more complex when one of the talkers is pressed for time and wants a
+taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare as new jokes in a revue.
+
+Let the following dialogue prove it. I leave open the question whether or
+not I have reported the real terms of our conversation, merely reminding
+you that two men together, removed from the frivolity of women, tend, even
+in the street and when the thermometer is below freezing-point, to a high
+seriousness rare when the sexes are mingled.
+
+Imagine us facing a wind from the east composed of steel filings and all
+uncharity. We are somewhere in Chelsea, and for some reason or other, or
+none at all, I am accompanying him.
+
+_He_ (_looking at his watch_). I've got to be at Grosvenor Gardens by
+half-past one and there's not a taxi anywhere. We must walk fast and
+perhaps we'll meet one. Dash this War anyhow. (_He said, as a matter of
+fact, "damn," but I am getting so tired of that word, in print that I shall
+employ alternatives every time. Someone really must institute a close
+season for "damns" or they won't any longer be funny on the stage; and,
+since to laugh in theatres has become a national duty, that, in the present
+state of the wit market, would be privation indeed._)
+
+_I_ (_submerged by brain wave_). Perhaps we'll meet one.
+
+_He._ Keep a sharp look out, won't you? I 've got to be there by half-past
+one, and I hate to be late.
+
+_I._ Those tailors you were asking me about--I think you'll find them very
+decent people. They----
+
+_He_ (_excitedly_). Here comes one. Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_A taxi, obviously full of people, approaches and passes, the driver
+    casting a pitying glance at my poor signalling friend._
+
+_He._ I thought it was free.
+
+_I._ The flag was down.
+
+_He._ I couldn't be sure. What were you saying? Sorry.
+
+_I._ Oh, only about those tailors. If you really want to change, you know,
+I could----
+
+_He._ Do you mind walking a little faster?
+
+_I_ (_mendaciously_). Not at all. I could give you my card, don't you know.
+But of course you might not like them. Tastes differ. To me they seem to be
+first-rate, as tailors go.
+
+_He_ (_profoundly--though he is not more profound than I am_). Of course,
+as tailors go.
+
+_I._ They 're best at----
+
+_He_ (_excited again_). Here's another. Hi! Hi! Taxi. No, it's engaged.
+
+_I_ (_with a kind impulse_). If you'll ask me, I'll tell you whether the
+flags are up or not. I think I must be able to see farther than you.
+
+_He._ Do.
+
+_I._ I was always rather famous for long sight. It's----
+
+_He (turning round)_). Isn't that one behind us? Is that free?
+
+_I._ I can't tell yet.
+
+_He._ Surely the flag's up.
+
+    [_He steps into the road and waves his stick._
+
+_I._ It's a private car.
+
+_He._ Hang the thing! so it is. They ought to be painted white or
+something. Life is not worth living just now.
+
+_I._ They're best for trousers, I should say. Their overcoats----
+
+_He_ (_pointing up side-street_). Isn't that one there? Hi, taxi! Good
+heavens, that other fellow's got it. We really must walk faster. If there
+isn't one on the rank in Sloane Square, I'm done. If there's one thing I
+hate it's being late. Besides, I'm blamed hungry. When I'm hungry I'm
+miserable till I eat. No good to anyone.
+
+_I._ As I was saying----
+
+_He._ What I want to know is, where are the taxis? They're not on the
+streets, anyway; then where are they? One never sees a yard full of them,
+but they must be somewhere. It's a scandal--a positive outrage.
+
+_I._ Their overcoats can be very disappointing. I don't know how it is, but
+they don't seem to understand overcoats. But they're so good in other ways,
+you know, that really if you are thinking----
+
+_He._ Here's one, really empty. Hi! Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!
+
+    [_The flag is up but the driver shakes his head, makes a noise which
+    sounds like "dinner" and glides serenely on._
+
+_He._ Well, I'm blamed! Did you ever see anything like it? What's that he
+said?
+
+_I._ It sounded like "dinner."
+
+_He._ Dinner! Of all the something cheek! Dinner! What's the world coming
+to?
+
+_I_ (_brilliantly_). Perhaps he's hungry.
+
+_He._ Hungry! Greedy, you mean. Hansom drivers never refused to take you
+because they were hungry. It's monstrous. Bless the War, anyway. (_Looking
+at his watch_) I say, we must put a spurt on. You don't mind, do you?
+
+_I_ (_more mendaciously, and wondering why I'm so weak_). Oh, no.
+
+    [_We both begin to scuttle, half run and half walk._
+
+_I_ (_panting_). As I was saying, they're not A1 at overcoats, but they've
+a first-class cutter for everything else. Just tell me if you want to
+change and I'll introduce you, and then you'll get special treatment.
+There's nothing they wouldn't do for me.
+
+_He_ (_breathlessly_). Ah! There's the rank. There's just one cab there.
+How awful if it were to be taken before he saw us. Run like Heaven.
+
+_I_ (_running like Heaven_). I think I'll leave you here.
+
+_He_ (_running still more like Heaven, a little ahead_). Oh no, come on. I
+want to hear about those tailors. Hi! Hi! Wave your stick like Heaven!
+
+    [_We both wave our sticks like Heaven._
+
+_He_ (_subsiding into a walk_). Ah! it's all right. He's seen us. (_Taking
+out his watch_) I've got four minutes. We shall just do it. Good-bye.
+
+    [_He leaps into the cab and I turn away wondering where I shall get
+    lunch._
+
+_He_ (_shouting from window_). Let me know about those tailors some day; if
+they're any good, you know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ARE YE WOUNDED, TERENCE?"
+
+"I AM THAT, MICHAEL; 'TIS IN THE FUT."
+
+"BAD CESS TO THIM BODY-SHIELDS! I NIVER HAD MUCH FAITH IN THIM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The best people are still wearing their own clothes,' said Mr.
+    Williams."--_Star_.
+
+With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the best people are wearing the KING'S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DONKEYS.--Wanted to purchase 100 reasonable. Apply M.S."
+          _Advt. in Colonial Paper_.
+
+We have never met this kind of donkey ourselves, but we wish M.S. the best
+of luck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"ANTHONY IN WONDERLAND."
+
+It was not till about the middle of the play, and after a narcotic had been
+administered to him, that _Anthony_ got there; but we were in Wonderland
+almost from the start, without the aid of drugs. For we were asked to
+believe that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was a visionary, amorous of an ideal which
+no earthly woman could realise for him. Occasionally he had caught a
+glimpse of it in the creations of Art--at the Tate Gallery or Madame
+TUSSAUD'S or the cinema; but in Bond Street never.
+
+And the pity of it was that he had come in for a fortune of seven hundred
+thousand pounds odd, which would pass elsewhere unless he married by a
+given date. It was therefore the clear duty of his relatives--a couple of
+sisters and their husbands--to find a wife for him. After vainly trying him
+with every pretty woman of their acquaintance they had resort, in
+desperation, to the black art of a certain _Mr. Mortimer John_ (U.S.A.), an
+infallible inventor of stunts, who made a rapid diagnosis of the case and
+at once pronounced himself confident of success.
+
+Briefly--for it is a long and elaborate story--his scheme is to choose a
+charming girl, and make a film drama round her. _Anthony_, with family, is
+taken to see the show and occupies the best box in the Prince of Wales's
+Theatre, from which, after a little critical comment upon us in the
+audience, he falls in love with the heroine. It is the typical film of
+lurid life on a Californian ranch, and might almost have been modelled on
+one of Mr. Punch's cinema burlesques. There are the familiar scenes of a
+plot to hang the girl's lover, swiftly alternating with scenes of her
+progress on horseback through the primeval forest, and concluding with her
+arrival just in time to shoot the villain and untie the noose that
+encircles her lover's carotid.
+
+On the return of the party from the cinema, _Mortimer John_ describes to
+_Anthony_ the powers of a drug which induces the most vivid of dreams. He,
+_John_, had once been in _Anthony's_ pitiful case, and through the services
+of this drug had achieved his quest of the ideal woman. _Anthony_, greatly
+intrigued, consents to swallow a sample of the potion. It is a simple
+narcotic, and under its influence he is conveyed, in a state of coma and a
+suitable change of apparel, into the heart of Surrey, where at sunrise he
+is restored to animation and has the scenes of the evening's drama
+re-enacted before his eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition. Under the
+impression that this is merely the vivid dream that he had been promised,
+he himself takes part in the living drama, playing the noble _role_ of an
+exceptionally white man. In the course of it he exchanges pledges of
+eternal love with _Aloney_ the heroine. Finally, in a spasm of heroic
+self-sacrifice, he takes poison with the alleged purpose of saving the
+heroine's life. We never quite gather how his suicide should serve this
+end, but then the whole atmosphere is charged with that obscurity which is
+the very breath of the film-drama.
+
+[Illustration: AN IDYLL OF MOVIE-LAND.
+
+_Anthony Silvertree_ MR. CHARLES HAWTREY.
+
+_Aloney_ MISS WINIFRED BARNES.]
+
+The poison is nothing worse than another dose of the narcotic, and under
+its spell he is spirited back to London, where, on arrival, he is
+confronted with the lady of his "dream," and _Mortimer John_ secures a
+colossal fee. In addition, for he has had the happy thought of selecting
+his own daughter for the heroine, he secures a plutocrat for his
+son-in-law.
+
+The worst of a play in which one is conducted out of ordinary life into the
+regions of improbability by processes of which every step has to be just
+conceivably possible, is that the conscientious development of the scheme
+is apt to be tedious. And, frankly, the first scene or two, though
+lightened by expectation, were on the heavy side.
+
+But the film itself, when we got to it, was excellent fooling, and the
+reconstruction of the original drama at Dorking-in-the-Wild-West was really
+delightful. You can easily guess that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, as a cinema
+hero, very conscious of his heroism ("it's a way we have in Montague
+Square"), but always comfortably aware that in a dream, as he imagines it
+to be, he can well afford to make the handsomest of sacrifices, had a great
+chance. And he took it.
+
+As the heroine, who has to play a rather thankless part in the mercenary
+designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED BARNES contrived, very naively and
+prettily, to preserve an air of maiden reluctance under the most
+discouraging conditions. As _Mortimer John_ Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE had
+admirable scope for his sound and businesslike methods. Of _Anthony's_
+relations, all very natural and human, Miss LYDIA BILBROOKE was an
+attractive figure, and the part of _Herbert Clatterby_, K.C., was played by
+Mr. EDMUND MAURICE with his accustomed ease of manner.
+
+If I wanted to find fault with any detail of the construction, it would be
+in the matter of the ring which _Anthony_ places on the finger of _Aloney_
+in the cinema play. This was a spontaneous act not included in the scheme
+for which _Mortimer John_ was given the credit. Yet as the means by which
+_Anthony_ identified her on his return to consciousness it went far to
+bring that scheme to fruition. I think also that he ought to have shown
+some trace of surprise (I should myself) on finding that he had
+unconsciously exchanged his spotless evening clothes for the kit of a
+broncho-buster.
+
+I have hinted already at the comparative dulness of the long introduction
+to what is the _clou_ of the play--the film and its reconstructed scenes.
+Why not take a further wrinkle from the cinematic drama and throw upon the
+screen a succinct resume of the previous argument? Three or four minutes of
+steady application to the text, and we might plunge into the very heart of
+things. I throw out this suggestion not with any hope of reward, but in
+part payment of my debt for some very joyous laughter.     O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Gentlewoman a few days old."      _The Lady_.
+
+This is much prettier than "Baby taken from birth."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ--]
+
+[Illustration: --WHATEVER HAPPENS--]
+
+[Illustration: --SEE YOU KEEP--]
+
+[Illustration: --THEM HANDS OF YOURS--]
+
+[Illustration: --WELL ABOVE--]
+
+[Illustration: --YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF THE WOODLAND ELVES.
+
+  We hear the ruthless axes; we watch our rafters fall;
+  The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-hall;
+  Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn--
+  Yet more would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.
+
+  For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours;
+  The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;
+  And we were forest rangers before these woods had name,
+  And we were elves in England before the Romans came.
+
+  We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild bulls feed;
+  We gave our oaks to ALFRED to build his ships at need;
+  And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood
+  Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.
+
+  But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,
+  The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away;
+  For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,
+  Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.
+                  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD OLD GOTHIC.
+
+    [An agitation for the total disuse of the Latin character, we learn
+    from Press quotations published in _The Daily Chronicle_, is raging
+    through the German Empire, and the Prussian Minister of the Interior
+    has forbidden the use of any other character than German Gothic in the
+    publications of the Statistical Bureau.]
+
+  The ways of the Hun comprehension elude,
+  They're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude;
+  For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,
+  He is often incurably stupid and dense
+  To the point of allowing his patriot zeal
+  To put a large spoke in his own driving-wheel.
+
+  An excellent instance of zeal of this sort
+  Is the movement, endorsed by official support,
+  To ban Latin type in the papers that flow
+  From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.
+
+  Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe
+  And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic type;
+  It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,
+  For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat;
+  It adds to the labour of reading, and tries
+  The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,
+  And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid
+  To people engaged in the spectacle trade.
+  But these manifest drawbacks to little amount
+  When tried by the only criteria that count:
+  Though the people who use it don't really need it,
+  It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.
+  It is solid, _echt-Deutsch_, free from Frenchified froth,
+  And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.
+
+  So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau
+  Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,
+  They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope
+  Will be followed beyond its original scope;
+  For the more German books that in Gothic are printed
+  The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,
+  And the larger the number, released from its gripe,
+  Of the students of Latin ideas--and type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frames, nicely
+    upholstered and sound, 12/6 each; also 2 armchairs, 4 small chairs,
+    walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, L2; 5 other chairs,
+    upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each."--_The Bazaar_.
+
+Has this sort of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval? Some hens are already too
+much inclined to sit when we want them to lay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIPINBANOLA.
+
+"There," I said, "you've interrupted me again."
+
+"Tut tut," said Francesca.
+
+"And the dogs are barking," I said, "and the guinea-hens are squawking."
+
+"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-hens; they're much
+too far away."
+
+"Yes, but I know they're squawking--they always are--and for a sensitive
+highly-strung man it's the same thing."
+
+"Tut-t----"
+
+"Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, "for I am engaged in a
+most complicated and difficult arithmetical calculation."
+
+"If," said Francesca deliberately, "two men in corduroys, with straps below
+their knees, and a boy in flannel shorts, all working seven hours and a
+half per day for a week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an acre of
+land, how many girls in knickerbockers will be required to----"
+
+"Stop, Francesca," I said, "or I shall go mad."
+
+"If," she continued inexorably, "a train travelling at the rate of
+sixty-two miles and three-quarters in an hour takes two and a half seconds
+to pass a lame man walking in the same direction find how many men with one
+arm each can board a motor-bus in Piccadilly Circus, having first extracted
+the square root of the wheel-base."
+
+"Stow it," I said.
+
+"Isn't that rude?" she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "it was intended to be."
+
+"Well, but what _are_ you doing?"
+
+"I'm calculating rates of percentage on the new War Loan," I said.
+
+"Why worry over that?" she said. "It announces itself as a five-per-center,
+and I'm willing to take it at its word. What's your difficulty? Surely you
+do not impute prevarication to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."
+
+"No," I said, "far from it. I have the greatest possible respect for him.
+I'm sure he would not deceive a poor investor; but he doesn't know my
+difficulties. It's this getting L100 by paying only L95 that's knocking me
+sideways; and then there's the income tax, and the other loan at four per
+cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and the conversion of the
+old four-and-a-half per cent. War Loan, and of the various lots of
+Exchequer Bonds. It's all as generous as it can be, but for a man whose
+mathematical education has been, shall we say, defective, it's as bad as a
+barbed-wire entanglement."
+
+"Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just plank down your
+money and take what they give you. That's my motto."
+
+"No doubt," I said; "that's all very well for you. You aren't the head of
+the household, with all its cares depending on you. Heads of households
+ought-to know their exact position."
+
+"Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt their arithmetic
+better and remembered more of it. The children and I haven't allowed
+ourselves to be hindered by little obstacles of that kind."
+
+"What," I said, "are you and the children in it too?"
+
+"Yes, we're all in it. I've put in the spare money from the
+housekeeping----"
+
+"I always knew you got too much."
+
+"And the children have chipped in with their savings."
+
+"Savings?" I said. "How have they got any savings?"
+
+"Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which were put into the
+Post Office Savings Bank. They're all out now and into the Loan--all, that
+is, except Frederick's little all."
+
+"And what's happened to that?"
+
+"That's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea. He was fascinated
+by the poster, and insisted that his money should go in the purchase of
+cartridges, so there it is."
+
+"And at the end of five years he'll get back L1 for every 15_s._ 6_d._ he's
+put in."
+
+"Yes, he'll get L5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."
+
+"You don't mean to say he jibbed about getting his money back?"
+
+"That's precisely what did happen. He said he'd _given_ the money for
+cartridge buying, and how could he take it back with a bit extra after the
+cartridges had been bought. He's really rather annoyed about it."
+
+"I shall tell him," I said, "not to let it worry him, and shall explain to
+him how much _per cent._ he's getting _per annum_."
+
+"You'll have to work it out yourself first of all," she said, "and I know
+you can't do that. And, by the way, you may as well be ready for him; he's
+going to ask you if he may join the Army as a drummer-boy."
+
+"What on earth's put that into his head?"
+
+"He's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he's invented a musical
+instrument of his own. It's made out of a cardboard box, some pins and two
+or three elastic bands. There it is--you'll find its name inscribed on it."
+
+I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pencilled letters this
+strange device: "THE TIPINBANOLA; made for soldiers only."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "it's a superb name. Where did he get it from?"
+
+"Out of his head," she said.
+
+"I wonder," I said, "if he keeps any arithmetic there?"
+
+"Ask him; I'm sure he'd be proud to help you."
+
+"No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."
+
+"And the guinea-hens," she said, "are still squawking."
+
+"Yes," I said, "isn't it awful?"
+
+"I'll go and stop them," she said.
+
+"It's no good," I said, "I shan't hear them stop."
+
+  R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN RALEIGH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his
+    shutters."--_A farmer in "The Daily News."_
+
+And if the shop-walker is taken, the tradesman may as well let his windows
+lie fallow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HORSE BEFORE
+THE CALL SOUNDED?"
+
+_Recruit_. "I DIDN'T THINK AS 'OW 'E'D START EATING BEFORE THE TRUMPET
+BLEW, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+Mr. S.P.B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to _Interlude_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL),
+tells us that he has "simply tried to show what a man constituted like
+Shelley would have made of his life had he bean alive in 1917." Without any
+doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however, bound to add this warning
+(if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough), that a novel with such a purpose is not, and
+could not be, milk for babes. Nothing that I had previously read of Mr.
+MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he shows here. Obviously
+attached to the modern school of novelists, he has many of its faults and
+more of its virtues. One may accept his main point of view, yet be offended
+sometimes by his details. But the fact remains that in _Geoffrey Battersby_
+he has given us a piece of character-drawing almost flawlessly perfect. Not
+for a very long time has it been my good fortune to attend such a triumph,
+and I wish to proclaim it. The women by whom _Geoffrey_, the weak and the
+wayward, was attracted hither and thither are also well drawn; but here Mr.
+MAIS shows his present limitations. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has
+within him the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if he
+will free himself from certain marked prejudices his future lies straight
+and clear before him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FINDLATER to call their
+new book of short stories _Seen and Heard_ (SMITH, ELDER), with the
+sub-title, _Before and After 1914_. I say short stories, but actually these
+have so far outgrown the term that a half-dozen of them make up the volume.
+They are all examples of the same gentle and painstaking craft that their
+writers have before now exhibited elsewhere. Here are no sensational
+happenings; the drama of the tales is wholly emotional. My own favourites
+are the first, called "The Little Tinker," a half-ironical study of the
+temptation of a tramp mother to surrender her child to the blessings of
+civilisation; and how, by the intervention of a terrible old woman, the
+queen of the tribe, this momentary weakness was overcome. My other choice,
+the last tale in the collection (and the only one contributed by Miss MARY
+FINDLATER), is a dour little comedy of the regeneration, through poverty
+and hard work, of two underemployed and unpleasant elderly ladies. A
+restful book, such as will keep no one awake at nights, but will give
+pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies of ordinary life sketched
+with precise and careful finish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Their Lives_ (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of originality, that
+it ends with the wedding of somebody other than the heroine, or rather, I
+should say, the chief heroine, because, strictly speaking, all three
+daughters of _Mr._ and _Mrs. Radmall_ might be said jointly to fill this
+post, but it is _Christina_, the eldest, who fills most of it. The other
+two were named _Virgilia_ and _Orinthia_, and I can't say that these
+horrific labels did them any injustice. As for the story of "their lives,"
+as VIOLET HUNT tells it, there is really nothing very much to charm in a
+history of three disagreeable children developing into detestable young
+women. Perhaps it may have some value as a study of feminine adolescence,
+but I defy anyone to call the result attractive. Its chief incident, which
+is (not to mince matters) the attempted seduction by _Christina_ of a
+middle-aged man, the father of one of her friends, mercifully comes to
+nothing. I like to believe that this sort of thing is as unusual as it is
+unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of the "artistic" household in which
+the children grew up, of their managing mother, and the slightly soured and
+disappointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough. But what
+unamiable people they all are! "MILES IGNOTUS," who supplies a quaintly
+attractive little preface, in which he speaks of having read the book in
+proof under shell-fire, affects to discover in them a kinship with Prussia.
+Certainly they are almost frightful enough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Having read all about _The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan_ (DUCKWORTH) from
+obscurity to wealth, literary success and aristocratic wedlock, I should be
+infinitely content to leave him at that and have done; but Mr. ALFRED
+TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to follow, and even hints
+that the sequel, opening in July, 1914, may in many respects be far indeed
+from the dulness of happily-ever-after. If _Ledgar_ had been satisfied to
+marry the sweetheart of his school-days there might have been some danger
+of such a disaster; but, having put his humble past, including his
+Nonconformist conscience, too diligently behind him for that, he will have
+to face whatever his author and the KAISER may have in store, supported
+only by a wife who is going, I trust and believe, to revenge on him all the
+irritation which she and I both felt at his attitude of unemotional
+superiority towards all the world. Some people may think it almost a pity
+that the lady cannot deal similarly with Mr. SHEPPARD himself in just
+reprisal for his long-winded and nebulous way of talking about Anti-Christ
+and Armageddon, and for his revolting incidents of murder and insanity
+introduced without any excuse of necessity. The book contains a
+considerable element of lively if undiscriminating humour, but its
+insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless his hero's future
+fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript one would like to remind
+the author that essays in this kind are the easiest form of all literary
+effort and the least supportable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_With Serbia into Exile_ (MELROSE) is a book that will suffer little from
+the fact that its tragic tale has already been told by several other pens.
+Mr. FORTIER JONES, the writer, has much that is fresh to say, and a very
+fresh and vigorous way of saying it. His book and himself are both American
+of the best kind--which is to say, wonderfully resourceful, observant,
+sympathetic and alive. From a newspaper flung away by a stranger on the
+Broadway Express, Mr. JONES first became aware that men were wanted for
+relief work in Serbia, and "in an hour I had become part of the
+expedition." That is a phrase characteristic of the whole book. Though the
+matter of it is the story, "incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a
+nation going into exile, Mr. JONES has always a keen eye for the
+picturesque and even humorous aspects of the tragedy; he has a quick sense
+of the effective which enables him to touch in many haunting pictures--the
+delusive peace of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian mountains; the face
+of KING PETER seen for a moment by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees; and
+countless others. More than a passing mention also is due to the many quite
+admirable snapshots with which the volume is illustrated. The author seems
+successfully to have communicated his own gifts of observation and
+selection to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those who
+look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons to think that our
+American cousins will read this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Man in the Fog_ (HEATH, CRANTON) is a book that I find exceedingly
+hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY TIGHE, has several previous stories
+to his credit, all of which seem to have moved the critics to pleasant
+sayings. But for my own part I have frankly to confess that I found _The
+Man in the Fog_ somewhat wheezy company. The _Man_ of the title was a kind
+of Northern Joseph, dismissed from a promising partnership with Potiphar
+after a domestic intrigue on the lines of the original. The fog happens
+when, years later, he meets the daughter of Mrs. Potiphar returning to her
+mother's house, and (at the risk of the poor girl catching her death)
+detains her on the front step with foggy allusions to the mysterious past.
+I may mention that his own conduct in the interval had been such as I can
+only regard as a lamentable relapse from the altitude of the earlier
+chapters. But it is all vastly serious--it would perhaps be unkind to say
+sententious--and wholly unruffled by the faintest suggestion of comedy. For
+which reason I should never be startled to learn that HARRY TIGHE was
+either youthful, Scotch, or female (or indeed, for that matter, all three).
+In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent my parting
+advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch, and the selection of such
+words as come easily from the tongue. Some of the dialogue in the present
+book is painfully unhuman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN! SHE _IS_ THOUGHTFUL. I TOLD 'ER
+THERE WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IF SHE
+'ASN'T SENT ME A PAIR OF SKATES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Great Problem Solved.
+
+Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands, others fasten them on
+their wrists, others wear them attached to cords. A correspondent writes:--
+
+    "In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement excellently suited
+    for the purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that it shall be at
+    once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a horizontal
+    slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of the coat,
+    and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of linen, the
+    whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off with a
+    flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of ordinary
+    dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those who may not be
+    acquainted with it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who are
+    fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took the
+    field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for
+    twenty years with equanimity."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Or even for the duration of the War.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+152, Feb. 7, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14450.txt or 14450.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/5/14450/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.