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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14390 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+April 2, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+"'TIS MERRY IN HALL."
+
+[Illustration: "Knock'd 'em!"]
+
+"What's in an 'at without an 'ed?" DISTAFFINA DE COCKAIGNE was wont
+to inquire, and "what's an 'all" (of Music like the London Pavilion)
+"without a NED" in the shape of Mr. EDWARD SWANBOROUGH, the
+all-knowing yet ever-green Acting Manager at this place of
+entertainment, who possessing the secret of perpetual youth in all the
+glory of ever-resplendent hat and ever-dazzling shirt-front, ushers
+us into the Stalls in time to hear the best part of an excellent
+all-round show. It is sad to think that, probably as we were disputing
+with the cabman, the celebrated Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA, alias LOTTIE
+COLLINS, Serio-Comic and Dancer, was "booming" and "teraying" before
+the eyes of a delighted audience. Strange that we should not yet
+have heard the great original. But as she is not (so to adapt a line
+from the "_Last Rose of Summer_") "left booming alone," we have
+not escaped hearing several of her male and female imitators who,
+by her kind permission and that of her publishers, trade on her
+present exceptional success. However, when we entered the Stalls,
+Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA had disappeared, and somebody with a song had
+"intervened"--a mode of proceeding not necessarily limited to the
+Queen's Proctor--before the object of our visit walked on to the
+stage, and when he did come a pretty object he was too, seeing that
+it was Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, the unequalled and inimitable Comedian
+of the Costermongers. He is a thorough artist in this particular
+line, and no indifferent one in others; but his Coster ballads are
+artistically first rate. The fashion of calling English singers by
+Italian names is on the wane, otherwise Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, of
+French extraction, would find an excellent Italian alias, closely
+associated with the operatic and musical professions, and most
+appropriate to the line he has adopted, in the name of "SIGNOR COSTA."
+The melody of Mr. CHEVALIER's "_Coster's Serenade_," of which, I
+rather think, he is the composer as well as librettist, is as charming
+as it is strikingly original. After the _Chevalier sans peur et sans
+approche_ had retired, clever and sprightly Miss JENNY HILL gave as
+a taste of lodging-house-keeperism, following whom came the Two MACS
+belabouring each other in their old hopelessly idiotic, but always
+utterly irresistible style; and then Lieutenant W. COLE--King COLE
+we "crowned him long ago"--gave his ventriloquial entertainment, who,
+with his troop of talking dolls, should have his address at Dollis
+Hill. There were many "turns" yet to follow when we left, at a
+comparatively early hour; "and so," to quote old PEPYS, "home with
+much content."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO HAVE AND TO HOLD."
+
+  Big promises and Party scoldings
+  Won't cure "Small Savings" by "Small Holdings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MARVELS OF MODERN SCIENCE.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of Small Box containing telephone with book
+    of addresses. Enter hurriedly_ Impatient Subscriber.
+
+_Impatient Subscriber_ (_turning over leaves of address-book_).
+Of course I can't find it! Ah! here it is! 142086. (_Rings bell
+of telephone, and listens with receivers to his ear._) Now I have
+forgotten it! (_Puts back receivers on rests, and refers again to
+book. Telephone bell rings in answer. He hurries back and calls._)
+One hundred and forty-two nought eighty-six.
+
+_First Voice_ (_from telephone_). One hundred and forty-two?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and nought eighty-six.
+
+_First Voice_. Which do you want?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Why, both.
+
+_First Voice_. You can't. Must have one at a time.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ It's only one. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. One four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. Very well. Why didn't you give the number before?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). Well, I have given it now. (_He listens
+intently, exclaiming now and again_, "_Are you there_?" _and then
+rings_.) One four two nought eight six, please.
+
+_First Voice_ (_after a pause_). What!
+
+_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six, please.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_First Voice_ (_as if the number is now heard for the first time_).
+One four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. And look sharp!
+
+_First Voice_. What?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. I hear. One four two nought eight six. [_The
+communication is cut off for a couple of minutes._
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_for the sixth time_). Are you there?
+
+_Second Voice_. Yes. Who is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ I am BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
+
+_Second Voice_. RUSH, RUDDLE & CO.?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No. BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, no--we are still speaking. I want to know if you have
+sent that case of champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Second Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_speaking very slowly, as if dictating to imperfectly
+educated infants_). Have--you--sent--that--case--of--cham--pagne--to
+BUM--BLE--TON?
+
+_Second Voice_ (_puzzled_). Sent a case of champagne?
+
+_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Yes--have you sent a case of
+champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Second Voice_. Sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON? No; why should
+we?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Because you promised TICKLEBY you would.
+
+_Second Voice_ (_evidently perplexed_). Promised TICKLEBY?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of reproach_). Yes, promised TICKLEBY.
+
+_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking; please don't cut us off.
+(_Returning to the champagne subject_). Yes, you promised TICKLEBY you
+would send the case of champagne to BUMBLETON. (_With inspiration._)
+You are the Arctic Wine Company, aren't you?
+
+_Second Voice_. No. I am Secretary of the Curate's Papier Mâché Church
+Company.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of sorrow_). Aren't you one four two nought
+eight six?
+
+_Third Voice_ (_coming from somewhere_). Mind and bring a gun with
+you, and--.
+
+_Second Voice_. No. We are two four eight nought six seven. Good
+morning!
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). I have not begun! You have put me on the
+wrong number!
+
+_First Voice_ (_calmly_). What number do you want?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. Two four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_with suppressed rage_). No, _one_ four two nought eight
+six.
+
+_First Voice_. Very well. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and don't make a mistake.
+
+    [_Long pause, during which he asks_, "_Are you there?_" _at
+    intervals._
+
+_Fourth Voice_. What is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Are you Arctic Wine Company?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. Yes, all right! What is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_joyfully_). Have you sent a case of champagne to
+BUMBLETON?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
+
+_First Voice_. (_interposing_). Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Have you sent a case of
+champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. We can't hear you. Send a messenger.
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_shouting_). Yes! (_Is cut off._) Shorter to have done so
+at once!
+
+    [_Uses intemperate language, and hurries off to get a
+    Messenger. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHURLISH CABMAN.
+
+AIR--"_BALLYHOOLEY_."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  The Cabman's thrifty fares,
+  Who would seek suburban airs,
+    Desire, of course, a more extended "radius;"
+  But, Cabby, it is clear,
+  Thinks quite otherwise. I fear
+    The controversy's growing rather "taydious."
+  Whether by night or day,
+  A fair fare the fare should pay,
+    And Cabby should not overcharge unduly;
+  But _this_ is what riles _me_,
+  When churl Cabby _will_ not see
+    A would-be fare, but just ignores him coolly.
+
+  _Chorus_.
+
+  "_Hi! hi! Cab! Hi_!" Oh, no!
+  On the sullen brute will go;
+  When he _wants_ a fare, he's clamorous and unruly;
+  But if he wants a _drink_,
+  With a sneer or with a wink,
+  He'll rumble on and just ignore you coolly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH
+LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER SMART ALL ROUND.
+
+_Lady Di._ (_who has been trying a Horse with a view to purchase_).
+"AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HE'S QUITE UP TO MY WEIGHT, MR. SPAVIN?"
+
+_Spavin._ "LOR! MY LADY, HE'D CARRY TWO OF YOU!"
+
+_Lady Di._ "WHAT? DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT I'M ONLY HALF A HORSEWOMAN?"
+
+_Spavin._ "BY NO MEANS, MY LADY. BUT ANOTHER LIKE YOUR LADYSHIP WOULD
+LOOK SO WELL ON THE OTHER SIDE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO REPORT THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS.
+
+(_NEWEST STYLE._)
+
+Scarcely had the tintinabulum fixed on the altitude of the clock tower
+of the ecclesiastical building known to fame and rowing men as Putney
+Church sounded out the merry chimes of eleven in the forenoon, when
+the wielders of the sky-blue (or dark-blue) blades were observed by
+the eager frequenters of the tow-path carrying their trim-built ship
+to the water's edge. Not many moments were cut to waste before each
+man had safely ensconced himself on the thwart built for him under the
+experienced eyes of the champion boat-builder. The men looked, it must
+in all fairness be admitted, in the high level of condition. In each
+eye there blazed a stern determination to do or die on every possible
+occasion. When the signal to start was given, the boat was observed
+to move with the bounding speed of a highly-trained greyhound. The
+oars dipped into the water like one man, though a marked inclination
+was observed on the part of two or three of the oarsmen to "hurry,"
+while the rest seemed equally disposed to be "late." A few fatherly
+words from the prince of modern coaches soon had the desired effect
+of placing matters on a more completely satisfactory footing. The
+suggestion often made in these columns that a swifter rate of striking
+should be introduced, was acted upon. The boat moved with perfect
+evenness, while the wavelets played round her like young dolphins out
+for a holiday.
+
+I need only add that our old friend Jupiter Pluvius proved once again
+to be a kind friend to those who tempted the dangers of the foaming
+tide in Putney Reach. In conclusion, it must be observed that the
+stroke was sometimes "short" and occasionally "long," but the "slides"
+moved like things of life, and contributed greatly to the pleasure of
+a very enjoyable outing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESTROYING THE SPIDER'S WEB;
+
+_OR, THE THIRTEENTH LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES._
+
+  "To Lion-Hearted Hercules," the strong,
+  Sounded the clarion of Homeric song.
+  "Alcides, forcefullest of all the brood
+  Of men enforced with need of earthly food."
+  _Punch_ will sing gallant Herschelles, than whom
+  Who was more worthy of Alcmene's womb
+  Or Jovian parentage? Behold him stand
+  With lion-hide on loins, and club in hand!
+  Forceful and formidable to all foes,
+  But fatal most especially to those
+  Of Hydra presence and Stymphalian beak,
+  Whose quarry is unseasoned youth, who seek
+  By subtle snares the Infant's steps to trip,
+  And catch the Minor in their harpy grip.
+  To his Twelve Labours, against monsters grim,
+  Who might have lived in safety but for him,
+  To snare, to slay, to humbug, and to cozen,
+  Herschelles, just to make a baker's dozen,
+  Adds a Thirteenth!
+                     A wily, wicked wight,
+  Dwelling in noxious nooks as dark as night,
+  Beyond the radius of the housemaid's broom,
+  And thence dispensing dire disgrace and doom
+  Long time our homes hath haunted. Greedy Ghoul,
+  As furtive of advance as fierce of soul,
+  The Money-lending Spider is his name,
+  And grim and gruesome was his little game.
+  Of swollen body, of protuberant beak,
+  He knew that Youths were green, and Infants weak,
+  And spun his web, invisible but strong,
+  Where'er GRAY's well-named "little triflers" throng,
+  Who, verily unmindful of their doom,
+  He watched from forth his grubby haunts of gloom,
+  And strove by sinister device to lure,
+  Till, 'midst his viscous mazes once secure,
+  Them he might seize and suck.
+                                The Birds, the Boar,
+  The Lion, or the Bull, all whom before
+  Great Herschelles had tackled, were not worse
+  Than the Colossal Spider, Albion's curse,
+  The scourge of childish Wealth and youthful Rank,
+  The Moloch of our Minors! Fathers, thank
+  Our new Alcides, who, with legal club,
+  Could dare the web assault, the Spider drub!
+  Worse than Tarantula venom hath the bite
+  Of this Conkiferous Ogre, which to fight
+  Herschelles did adventure! Thump! Bang! Whack!
+  The web is burst, the Spider's on his back,
+  All impotently spluttering poisonous spleen
+  Let's hope such monster may no more be seen.
+  And let us hail great Herschelles, whose skill
+  The high-nosed horror hath availed to kill.
+  Blow, Infants, blow the pipe, and thump the tabor,
+  In honour of the hero's Thirteenth Labour!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+VII.--THE DUFFER WITH A SALMON-ROD.
+
+No pursuit is more sedentary, if one may talk of a sedentary pursuit,
+and none more to my taste, than trout-fishing as practised in the
+South of England. Given fine weather, and a good novel, nothing can he
+more soothing than to sit on a convenient stump, under a willow, and
+watch the placid kine standing in the water, while the brook murmurs
+on, and perhaps the kingfisher flits to and fro. Here you sit and
+fleet the time carelessly, till a trout rises. Then, indeed, duty
+demands that you shall crawl in the manner of the serpent till you
+come within reach of him, and cast a fly, which usually makes him
+postpone his dinner-hour. But he will come on again, there is no need
+for you to change your position, and you can always fill your basket
+easily--with irises and marsh-marigolds.
+
+[Illustration: "I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe
+with the rod."]
+
+Such are our county contents, but woe befall the day when I took to
+salmon-fishing. The outfit is expensive, "half-crown flees" soon mount
+up, especially if you never go out without losing your fly-book. If
+you buy a light rod, say of fourteen feet, the chances are that it
+will not cover the water, and a longer rod requires in the fisherman
+the strength of a SANDOW. You need wading-breeches, which come up
+nearly to the neck, and weigh a couple of stone. The question has been
+raised, can one swim in them, in case of an accident? For _one_, I can
+answer, he can't. The reel is about the size of a butter-keg, the line
+measures hundreds of yards, and the place where you fish for salmon
+is usually at the utter ends of the earth. Some enthusiasts begin in
+February. Covered with furs, they sit in the stern of a boat, and are
+pulled in a funereal manner up and down Loch Tay, while the rods fish
+for themselves. The angler's only business is to pick them up if a
+salmon bites, and when this has gone on for a few days, with no bite,
+Influenza, or a hard frost with curling, would be rather a relief.
+This kind of thing is not really angling, and a Duffer is as good at
+it as an expert.
+
+Real difficulties and sufferings begin when you reach the
+Cruach-na-spiel-bo, which sounds like Gaelic, and will serve us as
+a name for the river. It is, of course, extremely probable that you
+pay a large rent for the right to gaze at a series of red and raging
+floods, or at a pale and attenuated trickle of water, murmuring
+peevishly through a drought. But suppose, for the sake of argument,
+that the water is "in order," and only running with deep brown swirls
+at some thirty miles an hour. Suppose also, a large presumption, that
+the Duffer does not leave any indispensable part of his equipment
+at home. He arrives at the stream, and as he detests a gillie, whose
+contempt for the Duffer breeds familiarity, he puts up his rod,
+selects a casting line, knots on the kind of fly which is locally
+recommended, and steps into the water. Oh, how cold it is! I begin
+casting at the top of the stream, and step from a big boulder into a
+hole. Stagger, stumble, violent bob forwards, recovery, trip up, and
+here one is in a sitting position in the bed of the stream. However,
+the high india-rubber breeks have kept the water out, except about a
+pailful, which gradually illustrates the equilibrium of fluids in the
+soles of one's stockings. However, I am on my feet again, and walking
+more gingerly, though to the spectator, my movements suggest partial
+intoxication. That is because the bed of the stream is full of
+boulders, which one cannot see, owing to the darkness of the water.
+There was a fish rose near the opposite side. My heart is in my mouth.
+I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe with the rod. A
+frantic tug behind, crash, there goes the top of the rod! I am caught
+up in the root of a pine-tree, high up on the bank at my back. No
+use in the language of imprecation. I waddle out, climb the bank,
+extricate the fly, get out a spare top, and to work again, more
+cautiously. Something wrong, the hook has caught in my coat, between
+my shoulders. I must get the coat off somehow, not an easy thing to
+do, on account of my india-rubber armour. It is off at last. I cut
+the hook out with a knife making a big hole in the coat, and cast
+again. That was over him! I let the fly float down, working it
+scientifically. No response. Perhaps better look at the fly. Just my
+luck, I have cracked it off!
+
+Where is the fly-book? Where indeed? A feverish search for the
+fly-book follows--no use: it is not in the basket, it is not in my
+pocket; must have fallen out when I fell into the river. No good in
+looking for it, the water is too thick, I _thought_ I heard a splash.
+Luckily there are some flies in my cap, it looks knowing to have
+some flies in one's cap, and it is not so easy to lose a cap, without
+noticing it, as to lose most things. Here is a big Silver Doctor that
+may do as the water is thick. I put one on, and begin again casting
+over where that fish rose. By George, there he came at me, at least
+I think it must have been at me, a great dark swirl, "the purple wave
+bowed over it like a hill," but he never touched me. Give him five
+minutes law, the hook is sure to be well fastened on, need not bother
+looking at that again. Five minutes take a long time in passing, when
+you are giving a salmon a rest. Good times and bad times and all times
+pass, so here goes. It is correct to begin a good way above him and
+come down to him. I'm past him; no, there is a long heavy drag under
+water, I get the point up, he is off like a shot, while I stand in a
+rather stupid attitude, holding on. If I cannot get out and run down
+the bank, he has me at his mercy. I do stagger out, somehow, falling
+on my back, but keeping the point up with my right hand. No bones
+broken, but surely he is gone! I begin reeling up the line, with a
+heavy heart, and try to lift it out of the water. It won't come, he
+is here still, he has only doubled back. Hooray! Nothing so nice
+as being all alone when you hook a salmon. No gillie to scream out
+contradictory orders. He is taking it very easy, but suddenly he moves
+out a few yards, and begins jiggering, that is, giving a series of
+short heavy tugs. They say he is never well hooked, when he jiggers.
+The rod thrills unpleasantly in my hands, I wish he wouldn't do that.
+It is very disagreeable and makes me very nervous. Hullo! he is off
+again up-stream, the reel ringing like mad: he gets into the thin
+water at the top, and jumps high in the air. He is a monster. Hullo!
+what's that splash? The reel has fallen off, it was always loose, and
+has got into the water. How am I to act now? He is coming back like
+mad, and all the line is loose, and I can't reel up. I begin pulling
+at the line to bring up the reel, but the reel only lets the line
+out, and now he is off again, down stream this time, and I after him,
+and the line running out at both ends at once, and now my legs get
+entangled in it, it is twisted all round me. He runs again and jumps,
+the line comes back in my face, all slack, something has given. It
+is the hook, it was not knotted on firmly to start with. He flings
+himself out of the water once more to be sure that he is free, and I
+sit down and gnaw the reel. Had ever anybody such bad fortune, but it
+is just my luck!
+
+I go back to the place where the reel fell in, and by pulling
+cautiously I extract it from the stream. It shan't come off again; I
+tie it on with the leather lace of one of my brogues. Then I reel up
+the slack, and put on another fly, out of my cap, a Popham. Then I
+fish down the rest of the pool. Near the edge, in the slower part of
+the water, there is a long slow draw, before I can lift the point of
+the rod, a salmon jumps high out of the water at me,--and is gone!
+I never struck him, was too much taken aback at the moment; did not
+expect him then. Thank goodness, the hook is not off this time.
+
+The next stream is very deep, strong and narrow; the best chance is
+close in on my side. By Jove, here he is, he took almost beside the
+rock. He sails leisurely out into the strength of the stream, if he
+will come up, I can manage him, but if he goes down, the water is
+very swift and broken, there are big boulders, and then a sheer wall
+of rock difficult to pass in cold blood, and then the Big Pool. He
+insists on going down, I hold hard on him, and refuse line. But he
+leaps, and then, well he _will_ have it; down he rushes, I after him,
+over the stones, scrambling along the rocky face; great heavens! _the
+top joint of the rod is loose_; I did not tie it on, thought it would
+hold well enough. But down it runs, right down the line; it must be
+touching the fish. It is; he does not like it, he jiggers like a mad
+thing, rushes across the Big Pool, nearly on to the opposite bank.
+Why won't the line run? The line is entangled in my boot-lace. He is
+careering about; I feel that I am trembling like a leaf. There, I knew
+it would happen; he is off with my last casting-line, hook and all. A
+beauty he was, clear as silver and fresh from the sea. Well, there is
+nothing for it but a walk back to the house. I have lost one fly-book,
+two hooks, a couple of casting-lines, three salmon, a top joint, and I
+have torn a great hole in my coat. On changing my dress before lunch,
+I find my fly-book in my breast pocket, where I had not thought of
+looking for it somehow. Then the rain comes, and there is not another
+fishing day in my fortnight. Still, it decidedly was "one crowded hour
+of glorious life," while it lasted. The other men caught four or five
+salmon apiece; it is their Red Letter Day. It is marked in black in my
+calendar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOOTING.
+
+    ["It is a noteworthy fact that while debates have been
+    languishing at Westminster, at Tooting there have been Members
+    enough to 'make a House' any day during the past fortnight,
+    so keen an interest is the 'Royal and Ancient' game
+    exciting."--_Daily Telegraph._]
+
+  What's the use of hooting.
+  Or cir-cum-lo-cuting?
+      M.P.'s off
+      To play at Golf.
+  All the way to Tooting!
+
+  Petty points PAT's mooting!
+  Chances not computing,
+      M.P. slips,
+      (Despite the Whips)
+  Off to Golf at Tooting!
+
+  Landlords _may_ be looting,
+  Tenants _may_ be shooting;
+      Where's the fun
+      In _that_? Let's run
+  Off to Golf at Tooting!
+
+  So M.P.'s are "scooting,"
+  On-the-gay-galoot-ing;
+      Cut the House
+      (It shows their _nous_)
+  For the Links at Tooting!
+
+  There is joy in shooting,
+  Wine-ing or cherooting,
+      Dinners, Moors,
+      Weeds--_all_ are bores,
+  Compared with Golf at Tooting!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS.
+
+_Tommy._ "I HAD _SUCH_ A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT, GRANDPAPA!"
+
+_The Admiral._ "TELL IT ME, TOMMY."
+
+_Tommy._ "OH NO! IT WOULD ONLY FRIGHTEN YOU AS IT FRIGHTENED ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE."
+
+    ["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any Lady
+    or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable
+    HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can at
+    once secure above reward. Address, &c."]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing this
+Advertisement in the _Times_, I was seized with a wild desire to "at
+once secure above reward." Said I to myself, "I have 'wealthy and
+influential friends.' There is my cousin's uncle, who has, I believe,
+thirty thousand a-year, though I never saw any part of it, or of him,
+for the matter of that; and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose
+second husband is a K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know
+where he lives." So I sat and thought about it for a time with my
+eyes shut, and then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined
+it must be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was
+so much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last,
+edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and asked
+him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned a pitying
+eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled the station, said,
+wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know, cos they've all arst me.
+You'd better foller 'em."
+
+This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and struggled
+through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and influential
+friends" until I reached the open street. By that time I was
+exhausted, and, finding that the street was even fuller than the
+station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw that the reserve
+of gold at the Bank of England would not have sufficed to pay each
+applicant the promised £50. In any case I felt sure that by that time
+the whole of the money in the town must have been used up. So, without
+hat or umbrella, and with my coat as much divided up the back as
+up the front, I returned--to consciousness, and went on reading the
+newspaper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE FORESTERS."
+
+  All the greatest swells
+    Of the U.S.A.
+  Come to see a new,
+    Fascinating play.
+  Verses by a Lord!
+    Music by a Knight!
+  Just the thing in which
+    Democrats delight.
+  When the hearty praise
+    Bursts from Yankee lips,
+  "Pass and blush the news
+    Over glowing ships;"
+  What are "glowing ships"?
+    That I've never guessed,
+  "Pass the happy news,
+    Blush it thro' the West;"
+  This I simply quote
+    From the poet's muse;
+  Hang me if I know
+    How you "blush the news"!
+  Anyhow, you do,
+    If the lines will scan,
+  "Till the red man dance,"
+    Do you think he can?
+  "And the red man's babe
+    Leap beyond the sea."
+  Active sort of child,
+    Surely, that must be!
+  "Blush from West to East,"
+    Blush from left to right,
+  "Till the West is East,"
+    And the black is white,
+  DALY is the man!
+    Daily is the play,
+  "Dailies" puff it up,
+    In the kindest way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE APPROPRIATE.--The Senate House, where the Degree Examinations
+take place, might well be termed "The Spinning House." It is there
+that unfortunate Candidates are "spun."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.
+
+_Little Jones_. "YOU'LL GIVE ME A DANCE TO-MORROW NIGHT, WON'T YOU,
+MRS. FOOTE?"
+
+_Mrs. Foote_ (_who is anxious to show her matronly consideration for
+Unmarried Girls_). "WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE, AND IF THE MEN RUN _SHORT_,
+YOU KNOW, I SHAN'T DANCE AT ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;
+
+OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.
+
+    ["Far from taking up and developing the new mode of
+    communication thus given into its hands, it (the Post Office)
+    could not forget its attitude of hostility to the innovation,
+    or conceive any larger policy than one of repressing the
+    telephone in order to make people stick to the telegraph....
+    The result is that England lags far behind all other civilised
+    countries in the use of the telephone."--_Times_.]
+
+AIR--"_Ulalume_."
+
+  _Cinderella_, you sit and look sober,
+    _Cinderella_, you mope and look queer--
+    You mope, and look dolefully queer;
+  As chill as JOHN MILLAIS' "_October_,"
+    As you have done, this many a year.
+  It is hard on you; MOZART or AUBER
+    Might fail your depression to cheer--
+  Had you taken the draught named of Glauber,
+  You could scarce look duller, my dear
+
+II.
+
+  Our times, dear, are truly Titanic,
+    Perfection seems Science's goal--
+    Dim, distant, dark Science's goal--
+  But we're still a bit given to panic.
+        Monopolies moodily roll--
+        Monopolies restlessly roll--
+  That's why there's a movement volcanic
+    That stirs us from pole unto pole--
+  A moaning that's vainly volcanic,
+    In the realms of the (Telegraph) pole.
+
+III.
+
+  Deputations are serious and sober,
+    Officials look palsied and sere--
+    They indulge in rhetoric small-beer
+  (Instead of sound sparkling October)
+    They're frightened about _you_, my dear--
+    (You, at present in two senses, dear!)
+  They would scan the far future, and probe her,
+    But can't--and it makes them feel queer;
+  As you sit by the fire, looking sober,
+    You make _them_ sit up and feel queer.
+
+IV.
+
+  Your sisters, whose airs are unpleasant,
+    Regard you with arrogant scorn--
+    With arrogant, uneasy scorn--
+  True, they have the pull, for the present,
+    But fear you, the fair youngest born.
+  They know that your glory is crescent,
+    And, though each uplifteth her horn,
+  Each feels that _her_ glory's senescent,
+    In spite of their duplicate scorn.
+
+V.
+
+  _Miss Telegraph_, lifting her finger,
+    Says--"Sadly this minx I mistrust--
+    Her manners I strangely mistrust--
+  She'll distance us, dear, if we linger!
+    Ah, haste!--let us haste!--for we must!
+  She'll eclipse us--that _would_ be a stinger!
+    She'll rise, and our business is "bust"--
+  My dear, we must snub her, and bring her
+    Presumptuous pride to the dust--
+    Till she sorrowfully sinks in the dust."
+
+VI.
+
+  _Post_ replies--"Oh, it's nothing but dreaming,
+    Her hoping to put out _our_ light!--
+    Our brilliant and duplicate light!
+  What did FERGUSSON say, blandly beaming
+    Upon the tired House t'other night?
+    He said _he_ would make it all right.
+  Ah, we safely may trust to his scheming--
+    Be sure he will lead us aright--
+  He won't let the damsel there dreaming
+    Despoil us of what is our right--
+    The monopoly plainly _our_ right!"
+
+VII.
+
+  Yet watch _Cinderella_, and list her!
+    She yet will emerge from her gloom--
+    Time will conquer her fears and her gloom.
+  Before her she hath a bright vista.[1]
+    The fairy Godmother will come!
+    Redtape shall not long seal her doom.
+  What is written is written! No "sister,"
+    (Though scorning her beauty, and broom)
+    Shall shroud her bright light in the tomb
+    Which yet the whole land shall illume!
+
+VIII.
+
+  She's "some pumpkins"--though now she looks sober--
+    She's brilliant; she is "no small beer."
+    No, no, _Cinderella_, my dear!
+    Your envious "sisters" may jeer,
+    And sit on you yet, for a year;
+    Redtape your advancement may fear,
+    And Monopoly's patrons look queer;
+  But, as sure as the month of October
+    Is famous for sound British beer,
+  Vested Interest time shall prove _no_ bar
+    To your final triumph, my dear!
+
+[Footnote 1: POE, not _Mr. Punch_, should have the credit of this and
+certain other Cockney rhymes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE."--"The competition for the Evill Prize
+also took place yesterday" (i.e., last Thursday. _Vide Times_). The
+prize so Evilly named was won by Mr. PHILIP BROZEL, of the Royal
+Academy of Music, who must have expressed himself as being at least
+deucedly delighted, even if he did not use some much stronger and
+wronger expression. Henceforth PHILIP BROZEL has an Evill reputation.
+Let us hope he will live up to it, and so live it down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;
+
+OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATINÉE MANIA.
+
+(_A SKETCH AT ANY THEATRE ON MOST AFTERNOONS._)
+
+    SCENE--_The Front of the House. In the Boxes and Dress-circle
+    are friends and relations of the_ Author. _In the Stalls are a
+    couple of Stray Critics who leave early, actors and actresses
+    "resting" more friends and relations. In the Pit, the front
+    row is filled by the_ Author's _domestic servants, the
+    landladies of several of the performers, and a theatrical
+    charwoman or two, behind them a sprinkling of the general
+    public, whose time apparently hangs heavily on their hands.
+    In a Stage-box is the_ Author _herself, with a sycophantic_
+    Companion. _A murky gloom pervades the Auditorium; a scratch
+    orchestra is playing a lame and tuneless Schottische for
+    the second time, to compensate for a little delay of fifteen
+    minutes between the first and second Tableaux in the Second
+    Act. The orchestra ceases, and a Checktaker at the Pit door
+    whistles "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!" Some restless spirits stamp
+    feebly._
+
+[Illustration: "Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few
+words."]
+
+_The Author._ I wish they would be a _little_ quicker. I've a good
+mind to go behind myself and hurry them up. The audience are beginning
+to get impatient.
+
+_Her Companion._ But that shows how _interested_ they are, _doesn't_
+it, dear?
+
+_Author._ I think it _ought_ to interest them, but I _did_ expect they
+would have shown a little more enthusiasm over that situation in the
+last _tableau_--they're rather a _cold_ audience!
+
+_Comp._ It's above their heads, dear, that's where it is--plays are
+such rubbish nowadays, people don't appreciate a really _great_ drama
+just at first. I do hope Mr. IRVING, Mr. HARE and Mr. BEERBOHM TREE
+will come in--I'm sure they'll be only too _anxious_ to secure it!
+
+_Author._ I don't know that I should care for it to come out at the
+Lyceum, but of course if the terms were very--oh, they're beginning
+at last! I hope this light comedy scene will go well. (_Curtain
+rises: Comic dialogue--nothing whatever to do with the plot--between a
+Footman and a Matinée Maidservant in short sleeves, a lace tucker, and
+a diamond necklace; depression of audience. Serious characters enter
+and tell one another long and irrelevant stories, all about nothing.
+When the auditor remarks,_ "Your story is indeed a sad one--but go
+on," _a shudder goes through the house, which becomes a groan ten
+minutes later when the listener says:_ "You have told me _your_
+history--now hear _mine_!" _He tells it; it proves, if possible,
+duller and more irrelevant than the other man's. A love-scene follows,
+characterised by all the sparkle and brilliancy of "Temperance
+Champagne"; the House witnesses the fall of the Curtain with apathy._)
+
+_Author._ That love-scene was perfectly _ruined_ by the acting! She
+_ought_ to have turned her head aside when he said, "Dash the teapot!"
+but she never _did_, and he left out _all_ that about dreaming of her
+when he was ill with measles in Mashonaland! I wish they wouldn't have
+such long waits, though. We timed the piece at rehearsal, and, with
+the cuts I made, it only played about four hours; but I'm afraid it
+will take longer than that to-day.
+
+_Comp._ I don't care _how_ long it is--it's so _beautifully_ written!
+
+_Author._ Well, I put my whole _soul_ into it, you know; but it's not
+till this next Act that I show my full power. [_Curtain rises on a
+drawing-room, furnished with dingy wrecks from the property-room--the
+home of_ JASPER, the Villain, _who is about to give an evening party.
+Enter a hooded crone._ "Sir JASPER, I have a secret of importance,
+which can only be revealed to your private ear!" (_Shivers of
+apprehension amongst the audience._) _Sir J._ "Certainly, go
+into yonder apartment, and await me there." (_Sigh of relief from
+spectators_.) _A Footman._ "Sir, the guests wait!" _Sir J._ (_with
+lordly ease_). "Bid them enter!" (_They troop in unannounced and
+sit down against the wall, entertaining one another in dumb-show._)
+_Footman_ (_re-entering_). "Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger, who says
+he knew you in Norway, under an _alias_, requests a few words." _Sir
+J._ "Confusion!--one of my former accomplices in crime--my guests
+must not be present at this interview!" (_To Guests._) "Ladies and
+Gentlemen, will you step into the adjoining room for a few minutes,
+and examine my collection of war-weapons?" (_Guests retire, with
+amiable anticipations of enjoyment. The Stranger enters, and tells
+another long story._) "I smile still," he concludes--"but even a
+_dead_ man's skull will smile. Allow me then the privileges of death!"
+(_At this an irreverent Pittite suddenly guffaws, and the Audience
+from that moment perceives that the piece possesses a humorous side.
+The Stranger goes; the Guests return. Re-enter Footman_). "Sir, an
+elderly man, who was acquainted with your family years ago, insists
+on seeing you, and will take no denial!" _Villain_ (_with presence
+of mind--to Guests._) "Ladies and Gentlemen, will you step into the
+neighbouring apartment, and join the dancers?" (_The Guests obey. The_
+Elderly Man _enters, and denounces_ JASPER, _who mendaciously declares
+that he is his own second cousin_ JOSEPH; _whereupon the visitor
+turns down his coat-collar, and takes off a false beard._) "Do you
+know me now, JASPER SHOPPUN?" he cries. "_I_ am JOSEPH--your second
+cousin!"... "What, ho, Sir Insolence!" the Villain retorts. "And so
+you come to deliver me to Justice?"... "Not so," says JOSEPH. "Long
+years ago I swore to my dying Aunt to protect your reputation, even
+at the expense of my own. I come to warn you that"--&c., &c. (_The
+Audience, who are now in excellent spirits, receive every incident
+with uncontrollable merriment till the end of the Act. Another long
+wait, enlivened by a piccolo solo._)
+
+_Author._ LAVINIA, it's _too_ disgraceful--it's a deliberate
+conspiracy to turn the piece into ridicule. I never thought my _own
+relations_ would turn against me--and yet I might have known!
+
+_Comp._ It wasn't the _play_ they laughed at, dear--that's lovely--but
+it's so ridiculously _acted_, you know!
+
+_Author._ Of course the acting _is_ abominable--but they might make
+allowances for _that_. It _is_ so unfair! [_The Play proceeds. The
+Heroine's jealousy has been excited by the Villain, for vague purposes
+of his own, and the Hero is trying to disarm her suspicions._ _She._
+"But why are you constantly going from Paris to London at the beck
+and call of that man?" _He_ (_aside_). "If she only knew that I do it
+to shield my second cousin, JASPER--but my oath!--I cannot tell her!
+(_To her._) The reason is very simple, darling--he is my Private
+Secretary!" (_Roars of inextinguishable laughter, drowning the Wife's
+expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence. The Hero wants to
+go out; the Wife begs him to stay; she has 'a presentiment of evil--a
+dread of something unseen, unknown.' He goes: the Villain enters in
+evening dress._) _Villain._ "Your husband is false to you. Meet me
+in half an hour at the lonely hut by the cross-roads, and you shall
+have proof of his guilt." (_The Wife departs at once, just as she is.
+Villain, soliloquising._) "So--my diabolical schemes prosper. I have
+got JOSEPH out of the way by stratagem, decoyed his wife--my early
+love--to a lonely hut, where my minions wait to seize her. Now to
+abduct the child, destroy the certificate of vaccination which alone
+stands between me and a Peerage, set fire to the home of my ancestors,
+accuse JOSEPH of all my crimes, and take my seat in the House of
+Lords as the Earl of Addelegg! Ha-ha--a good night's work! a good--"
+_Joseph_ (_from back_). "Not so. I have heard all. I will _not_ have
+it. You _shall_ not!" (_&c., &c._) _Villain._ "You would thwart my
+schemes?" _Joseph_ (_firmly_). "I would. My wife and child shall
+_not_--" (_&c., &c._) _Villain_ (_slowly_). "And the oath you swore
+to my Mother, your dying Aunt, would you break that?" _Joseph_
+(_overcome_). "My oath! my Aunt! Ah, no, I cannot, I _must_ not break
+it. JASPER SHOPPUN, I am powerless--you must do your evil will!" (_He
+sinks on a settee: Triumph of Villain, tableau, and Curtain._)
+
+_Author._ I wouldn't have _believed_ that a modern audience would
+treat heroic conduct like that as if it was _laughable_. It's enough
+to make one give up play-writing altogether!
+
+_Comp._ Oh, I wouldn't do _that_, dear. You mustn't punish Posterity!
+[_The Play goes on and on; the Villain removes inconveniently
+repentant tools, and saddles the Hero with his nefarious deeds. The
+Hero is arrested, but reappears, at liberty, in the next Act (about
+the Ninth), and no reference whatever is made to the past. Old serious
+characters turn up again, and are welcomed with uproarious delight.
+At the end of a conversation, lasting a quarter of an hour, the
+Lady's-maid remarks that "her Mistress has been very ill, and must
+not talk too much." Cheers from Audience. General joy when the Villain
+returns a hopeless maniac. Curtain about six, and loud calls for
+Author._)
+
+_Author._ Nothing will _induce_ me to take a call after the shameful
+way they've behaved! And it's all the fault of the acting. When we
+get home, I'll read the play all through to you again, and you'll see
+now it _ought_ to have been done! A hundred and twenty pounds simply
+thrown away!
+
+    [_Retires, consoled by her_ Companion, _and the consciousness
+    that true genius is invariably unappreciated._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 21._--Uneasy feeling spread through
+House to-night consequent on question addressed by MACINNES to
+UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS. Wants to know "whether his
+attention has been called to the increase of drinking among Natives
+in the Coast Towns?" CAUSTON particularly depressed.
+
+[Illustration: "Sir, I am not--"]
+
+[Illustration: "--an Agricultural Labourer."]
+
+"I sat for Colchester for five years, you know," he said, "and grew
+into habit of regarding the Natives as my constituents. For five years
+never swallowed one without thinking I was reducing the number on
+the Register. Used to excuse myself on the ground that the particular
+bivalve that had disappeared must have been a Conservative, or it
+would never have been so stupid as to leave its comfortable bed to
+embark on such a journey. My interest in the oyster is now secondary.
+They don't flourish in Southwark; whelks more in our way down there.
+Still one cannot forget old associations, and confess I'm rather
+knocked over to hear this report MACINNES has brought up. Can't
+imagine anything more distressing than the spectacle of a drunken
+oyster--probably with dishevelled beard--coming home late at night and
+trying to get into another Native's shell under impression that he has
+recognised his own front door. Must see WILFRID LAWSON about this; get
+up an Oyster Temperance Society; framed certificates, blue ribbon, and
+all that, if the thing spreads, we shall have oysters emitting quite a
+rum-punch flavour when we add the lemon."
+
+Gloom dissipated two hours later by appearance of BOBBY SPENCER at the
+Table. BOBBY doesn't often witch the House with oratory. Content with
+important though to outsiders obscure position he occupies in Party
+administration. His is the hand that pulls the strings to which
+Liberal Party dance. SCHNADHORST gets some credit, but everybody knows
+BOBBY's the man. To see these two political strategists in conference
+is sufficient to reassure the Liberal Party on the possible issues of
+the General Election.
+
+SCHNADHORST complains that BOBBY has a trick, after addressing him
+through the ear-trumpet he (S.) carries in reminiscence of JOSHUA
+REYNOLDS, of putting his ear to the trumpet as if he expected the
+answer to arrive through that medium.
+
+[Illustration: MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON "THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT."]
+
+"Very embarrassing." SCHNADHORST says, "to have a fellow first putting
+his mouth and then his ear to other end of your trumpet. Sometimes
+I say to him, sharply, '_I_ don't speak through the trumpet.' 'Oh,
+no, of course not,' he says, 'I beg your pardon,' and draws away.
+Presently he's back again, politely, as I speak, applying his ear
+to the trumpet. But it's only the absence of mind that arises from
+preoccupation in matters of State."
+
+BOBBY, besides being the political director of the strategy of the
+Liberal Party, is a County Member. It was in this last capacity
+he appeared at Table to-night in Debate on Second Reading of Small
+Holdings Bill. House received him with hearty cheer. No one more
+popular than BOBBY. Delight uproariously manifested when, daintily
+pulling at his abundant shirt-cuff, and settling his fair young
+head more comfortably upon summit of his monumental collar, he
+deprecatingly observed--
+
+"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer."
+
+The speech a model of Parliamentary debating, full of point, resting
+on sound argument, lucidly stated, and all over in five minutes.
+_Business done._--Debate on Small Holdings Bill.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Morning Sitting. SEXTON at length worked off the speech
+on Irish Education Bill, that has hung over House like cloud since
+Bill was introduced in earliest days of Session. Wasn't in his place
+the first night; so friends and colleagues wore out the sitting to
+preserve his opportunity. When this next presented itself, SEXTON
+thought the hour and condition of House unsuitable for person of his
+consequence; declined to speak. To-day, his last chance, things worse
+than ever. Benches empty, as usual at Morning Sitting. But now or
+never, and at least there would be long report in Irish papers. So
+went at it by the hour. Finished at a quarter to five. At Morning
+Sitting, debate automatically suspended at ten minutes to seven;
+two hours and five minutes for everyone else to speak. SINCLAIR long
+waiting chance to thrust in his nose. Found it at last; but House
+wearied and worn out; glad when seven o'clock approached, and Bill
+read First Time.
+
+[Illustration: THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE--(VIDE THE OPPOSITION PRESS.)]
+
+At Evening Sitting, Lawyers had it all to themselves. ROBERTSON opened
+Debate on Law of Conspiracy in admirable speech. Later came LOCKWOOD,
+speaking disrespectfully of "B." Then SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, girding at
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL; MATTHEWS followed, with plump assertion that Squire
+had not been talking about the Resolution. Finally CHARLES RUSSELL,
+with demonstration that "the Right Hon. Gentleman (meaning MATTHEWS)
+had displayed a complete misconception of the character and objects of
+the Resolution." Being thus demonstrated upon unimpeachable authority
+that nobody knew anything about the Resolution, House proceeded
+to vote upon it. For, 180; against, 226. Ministerialists cheered;
+Opposition apparently equally delighted. So home I to bed, everyone
+determined first thing in morning get hold of newspaper, and see what
+the Resolution really was about. _Business done_.--Miscellaneous.
+
+_Wednesday_.--"I wonder," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, curiously
+regarding CHAMBERLAIN discoursing on the Eight Hours Bill, "whom JOE
+meant by his reference at Birmingham on Saturday night to 'the funny
+man of the House of Commons,'--'A man who has a natural taste for
+buffoonery, which he has cultivated with great art, who has a hatred
+of every Government and all kinds of restraint, and especially, of
+course, of the Government that happens to be in office.' Couldn't be
+HENEAGE, and I don't suppose he had JESSE in his mind at the moment.
+Pity a man can't make his points clearly. JOE used to be lucid enough.
+But he's falling off now in that as in other matters. Made me rub my
+eyes when I read his remarks about House of Lords, and remembered what
+he used to say on subject when he and I ran together. Certainly JOE
+is a man of courage. There are topics he might, with memory of past
+speeches, easily avoid or circumnavigate. But he goes straight at
+'em, whether fence or ditch, takes them at a stride regardless of
+his former self, splashed with mud in the jump, or smitten with the
+horse's hoof. Makes me quite sentimental when I sit and listen to him,
+and recall days that are no more. _Mrs. Gummidge_ thinking of the
+Old 'Un is nothing to me thinking of the Young 'Un who came up from
+Birmingham in 1876, and who from '80 to '85 walked hand in hand with
+me.
+
+  We were patriots together.--Ah! placeman and peer
+    Are the patrons who smile on your labours to-day;
+  And Lords of the Treasury lustily cheer
+    Whatever you do and whatever you say.
+  Go, pocket, my JOSEPH, as much as you will,
+    The times are quite altered we very well know;
+  But will you not, will you not, talk to us still,
+    As you talked to us once long ago, long ago?
+
+  We were patriots together!--I know you will think
+    Of the cobbler's caresses, the coalheaver's cries,
+  Of the stones that we throw, and the toasts that we drink
+    Of our pamphlets and pledges, our libels and lies!
+  When the truth shall awake, and the country and town
+    Be heartily weary of BALFOUR & CO.,
+  My JOSEPH, hark back to the Radical frown,
+    Let us be what we were, long ago, long ago!"
+
+"Bless me," I cried, "how beautiful! I didn't know that, among your
+many accomplishments, you were given to dropping into poetry."
+
+"Tut, tut!" said the SAGE, blushing, "it isn't all my own; written
+years ago by MACKWORTH PRAED, about JOHN CAM HOBHOUSE. I've only
+brought it up to date."
+
+_Business done_.--Eight Hours' Bill thrown out on a Division.
+
+_Thursday_.--Private O'GRADY, of the Welsh Fusiliers, the hero of the
+hour. His annals short and simple. Got up early in the morning of St.
+Patrick's Day; provided himself with handful of shamrock, which he
+stuck in his glengarry. (_Note_.--O'GRADY, an Irishman, belongs to a
+Welsh Regiment, and, to complete the pickle, wears a Scotch cap.) The
+ignorant Saxon officer in command observing the patriot muster with
+what he, all unconscious of St. Patrick's Day, thought was "a handful
+of greens" in his cap, instructed the non-commissioned officer to
+order him to take it out.
+
+"I won't do't," said gallant Private O'GRADY, the hot Celtic blood
+swiftly brought to boiling pitch by this insult to St. Patrick. Irish
+Members vociferously cheered when STANHOPE read the passage from
+Colonel's report. Another non-commissioned officer advancing from the
+rear, repeated order.
+
+"I won't do't!" roared the implacable Private O'GRADY.
+
+Once more the Irish Members burst into cheering, whilst a soldier
+in uniform in Strangers' Gallery looked on and listened. Would like
+to hear his account of scene confided to comrades in privacy of
+barrack-room.
+
+When STANHOPE finished reading report of officer commanding battalion,
+Irish Members leaped to their feet in body, each anxious to stand
+shoulder to shoulder with Private O'GRADY defying the Saxon. NOLAN,
+who had set ball rolling, might have got in first, but was so
+excited as to be momentarily speechless; could only paw at the air in
+direction of Treasury Bench where STANHOPE sat, PAT O'BRIEN, ARTHUR
+O'CONNOR, the wily WEBB, and the flaccid FLYNN, all shouting together.
+But SEXTON beat them all, and will duly figure in Parliamentary Report
+as Vindicator of Nationality, Defender of St. Patrick, and Patron of
+Private O'GRADY.
+
+"There's nothing new about Ireland," said POLTALLOCH, talking the
+matter over later in the Lobby. "'Tis the most distressful country
+that ever yet was seen, Where they punish T. O'GRADY For the wearing
+of the Green."
+
+_Business done_.--Small Holdings Bill read Second Time.
+
+_Friday Night_.--House behaved nobly to-night; FENWICK brought forward
+Motion proposing payment of Members. House arbiter of situation; might
+have voted itself anything a year it pleased. Only say the word, and
+JOKIM would have been bound to find the money. Members flocked down in
+large numbers: CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, seated on Front Opposition Bench,
+declares he could distinctly hear smacking of lips of Hon. Members
+below Gangway when FENWICK observed he thought £365 a year would be
+reasonable allowance. However insidious temptation may have been, it
+was nobly resisted. Of nearly 400 Members who took part in Division,
+only 162 reached out their hand for the pittance, 227 lofty souls
+going into other Lobby.
+
+_Business done_.--Private Bill Procedure Bill brought in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'SAFETY MATCHES' FOR LIFE.--The following notice has
+been issued by the Salvation Army: 'Safety matches are now made by the
+Social Wing without sulphur or phosphorus, which will flame without
+striking. What do we mean? Just this. That if you are unmarried, and
+do not know where to chose a partner, you can communicate with Colonel
+BARKER, Matrimonial Bureau, 101, Queen Victoria Street, E.C., and
+he will most probably supply you with just what you want--somebody
+loveable and good.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY ORCHID!
+
+    ["The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the
+    life of a Peer is not a happy one."--_Mr. Chamberlain, before
+    the Jewellers' and Silversmiths' Association at Birmingham_.]
+
+  The Orchid is a thoughtful plant--it loves the lordly hot-house,
+  And naturally reprobates poor gilliflowers as "pot-house;"
+  'Tis rich, exotic, somewhat miscellaneously florid;
+  The rough herbaceous annuals it vulgar deems, and horrid.
+
+  With all that's forced and precious it should fraternise in reason,
+  With luscious fruits and rarest roots, and produce out of season;
+  It may perhaps at primroses a condescending hand point;
+  It might be friends with stocks--but from a pure commercial
+          standpoint.
+
+  And yet--it is a thoughtful plant--though such a growth fastidious,
+  The proud but simple strawberry still seems to it invidious;
+  Those ducal leaves that shine and twine around the nation's garden,
+  It fancies more delectable than all the blooms of Hawarden.
+
+  This orchid's bosom bleeds to feel that, while he flaunts in colour,
+  The chaplet of the strawberry should duller pine and duller,
+  That obsoleteness, though delayed, should still be on the _tapis_,
+  That, pending its extinction, its existence isn't happy.
+
+  O courtly leaves of strawberries, old England's grace and glory,
+  Emblazoned o'er the castle-keeps that moulder nigh and hoary,
+  What comfort for your drooping days, what balm in dire dejection,
+  That yonder orchid spruce extends his shelter and protection.
+
+  But, garland sere of Vere de Vere, wan ornaments of Fable,
+  The orchid is a thoughtful plant, and likes a gorgeous table;
+  And, should from out your coronals one berry bright be shining,
+  His patronage may snap it up--to save it from declining!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, April 2, 1892, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14390 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14390 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 102.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>April 2, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157"
+       id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+
+    <h2>"'TIS MERRY IN HALL."</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/157-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157-1.png"
+             alt="'Knock'd 'em!'" /></a>"Knock'd 'em!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"What's in an 'at without an 'ed?" DISTAFFINA DE COCKAIGNE
+    was wont to inquire, and "what's an 'all" (of Music like the
+    London Pavilion) "without a NED" in the shape of Mr. EDWARD
+    SWANBOROUGH, the all-knowing yet ever-green Acting Manager at
+    this place of entertainment, who possessing the secret of
+    perpetual youth in all the glory of ever-resplendent hat and
+    ever-dazzling shirt-front, ushers us into the Stalls in time to
+    hear the best part of an excellent all-round show. It is sad to
+    think that, probably as we were disputing with the cabman, the
+    celebrated Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA, alias LOTTIE COLLINS,
+    Serio-Comic and Dancer, was "booming" and "teraying" before the
+    eyes of a delighted audience. Strange that we should not yet
+    have heard the great original. But as she is not (so to adapt a
+    line from the "<i>Last Rose of Summer</i>") "left booming
+    alone," we have not escaped hearing several of her male and
+    female imitators who, by her kind permission and that of her
+    publishers, trade on her present exceptional success. However,
+    when we entered the Stalls, Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA had disappeared,
+    and somebody with a song had "intervened"&mdash;a mode of
+    proceeding not necessarily limited to the Queen's
+    Proctor&mdash;before the object of our visit walked on to the
+    stage, and when he did come a pretty object he was too, seeing
+    that it was Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, the unequalled and inimitable
+    Comedian of the Costermongers. He is a thorough artist in this
+    particular line, and no indifferent one in others; but his
+    Coster ballads are artistically first rate. The fashion of
+    calling English singers by Italian names is on the wane,
+    otherwise Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, of French extraction, would
+    find an excellent Italian alias, closely associated with the
+    operatic and musical professions, and most appropriate to the
+    line he has adopted, in the name of "SIGNOR COSTA." The melody
+    of Mr. CHEVALIER's "<i>Coster's Serenade</i>," of which, I
+    rather think, he is the composer as well as librettist, is as
+    charming as it is strikingly original. After the <i>Chevalier
+    sans peur et sans approche</i> had retired, clever and
+    sprightly Miss JENNY HILL gave as a taste of
+    lodging-house-keeperism, following whom came the Two MACS
+    belabouring each other in their old hopelessly idiotic, but
+    always utterly irresistible style; and then Lieutenant W.
+    COLE&mdash;King COLE we "crowned him long ago"&mdash;gave his
+    ventriloquial entertainment, who, with his troop of talking
+    dolls, should have his address at Dollis Hill. There were many
+    "turns" yet to follow when we left, at a comparatively early
+    hour; "and so," to quote old PEPYS, "home with much
+    content."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"TO HAVE AND TO HOLD."</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Big promises and Party scoldings</p>
+
+            <p>Won't cure "Small Savings" by "Small Holdings."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MARVELS OF MODERN SCIENCE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Interior of Small Box containing
+        telephone with book of addresses. Enter hurriedly</i>
+        Impatient Subscriber.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Impatient Subscriber</i> (<i>turning over leaves of
+        address-book</i>). Of course I can't find it! Ah! here it
+        is! 142086. (<i>Rings bell of telephone, and listens with
+        receivers to his ear.</i>) Now I have forgotten it!
+        (<i>Puts back receivers on rests, and refers again to book.
+        Telephone bell rings in answer. He hurries back and
+        calls.</i>) One hundred and forty-two nought
+        eighty-six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>from telephone</i>). One hundred
+        and forty-two?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, and nought eighty-six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Which do you want?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Why, both.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. You can't. Must have one at a
+        time.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> It's only one. One four two nought
+        eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. One four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, please. One four two nought eight
+        six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Very well. Why didn't you give the
+        number before?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>angrily</i>). Well, I have given it
+        now. (<i>He listens intently, exclaiming now and again</i>,
+        "<i>Are you there</i>?" <i>and then rings</i>.) One four
+        two nought eight six, please.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). What!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> One four two nought eight six,
+        please.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:16%;">
+        <a href="images/157-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>as if the number is now heard for
+        the first time</i>). One four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, please. And look sharp!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. What?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> One four two nought eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. I hear. One four two nought eight
+        six. [<i>The communication is cut off for a couple of
+        minutes.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>for the sixth time</i>). Are you
+        there?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. Yes. Who is it?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> I am BOSH, BOODLE &amp; CO.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. RUSH, RUDDLE &amp; CO.?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No. BOSH, BOODLE &amp; CO.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Have you finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, no&mdash;we are still speaking. I
+        want to know if you have sent that case of champagne to
+        BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. What? I can't hear you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>speaking very slowly, as if
+        dictating to imperfectly educated infants</i>).
+        Have&mdash;you&mdash;sent&mdash;that&mdash;case&mdash;of&mdash;cham&mdash;pagne&mdash;to
+        BUM&mdash;BLE&mdash;TON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i> (<i>puzzled</i>). Sent a case of
+        champagne?</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>interposing</i>.) Have you
+        finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, we are still speaking.
+        Yes&mdash;have you sent a case of champagne to
+        BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. Sent a case of champagne to
+        BUMBLETON? No; why should we?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Because you promised TICKLEBY you
+        would.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i> (<i>evidently perplexed</i>).
+        Promised TICKLEBY?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>in a tone of reproach</i>). Yes,
+        promised TICKLEBY.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>interposing</i>.) Have you
+        finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, we are still speaking; please don't
+        cut us off. (<i>Returning to the champagne subject</i>).
+        Yes, you promised TICKLEBY you would send the case of
+        champagne to BUMBLETON. (<i>With inspiration.</i>) You are
+        the Arctic Wine Company, aren't you?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. No. I am Secretary of the Curate's
+        Papier Mâché Church Company.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>in a tone of sorrow</i>). Aren't
+        you one four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third Voice</i> (<i>coming from somewhere</i>). Mind
+        and bring a gun with you, and&mdash;.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. No. We are two four eight nought
+        six seven. Good morning!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Have you finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>angrily</i>). I have not begun! You
+        have put me on the wrong number!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>calmly</i>). What number do you
+        want?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>angrily</i>). One four two nought
+        eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Two four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>with suppressed rage</i>). No,
+        <i>one</i> four two nought eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Very well. One four two nought eight
+        six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, and don't make a mistake.</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>[<i>Long pause, during which he asks</i>, "<i>Are
+            you there?</i>" <i>at intervals.</i></p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. What is it?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Are you Arctic Wine Company?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. Yes, all right! What is it?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>joyfully</i>). Have you sent a case
+        of champagne to BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. What? I can't hear you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. (<i>interposing</i>). Have you
+        finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, we are still speaking. Have you
+        sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. We can't hear you. Send a
+        messenger.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Have you finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>shouting</i>). Yes! (<i>Is cut
+        off.</i>) Shorter to have done so at once!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Uses intemperate language, and hurries off to get a
+        Messenger. Curtain.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE CHURLISH CABMAN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>AIR&mdash;"<i>Ballyhooley</i>."</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:21%;">
+        <a href="images/157-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157-3.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Cabman's thrifty fares,</p>
+
+            <p>Who would seek suburban airs,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Desire, of course, a more extended
+            "radius;"</p>
+
+            <p>But, Cabby, it is clear,</p>
+
+            <p>Thinks quite otherwise. I fear</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The controversy's growing rather
+            "taydious."</p>
+
+            <p>Whether by night or day,</p>
+
+            <p>A fair fare the fare should pay,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Cabby should not overcharge
+            unduly;</p>
+
+            <p>But <i>this</i> is what riles <i>me</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>When churl Cabby <i>will</i> not see</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A would-be fare, but just ignores him
+            coolly.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <center>
+                <i>Chorus</i>.
+            </center>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"<i>Hi! hi! Cab! Hi</i>!" Oh, no!</p>
+
+            <p>On the sullen brute will go;</p>
+
+            <p>When he <i>wants</i> a fare, he's clamorous and
+            unruly;</p>
+
+            <p>But if he wants a <i>drink</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>With a sneer or with a wink,</p>
+
+            <p>He'll rumble on and just ignore you coolly.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158"
+       id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/158.png"
+             alt="DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH
+        LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page159"
+       id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/159.png"
+             alt="RATHER SMART ALL ROUND." /></a>
+
+        <h3>RATHER SMART ALL ROUND.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Di.</i> (<i>who has been trying a Horse with a
+        view to purchase</i>). "AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HE'S
+        QUITE UP TO MY WEIGHT, MR. SPAVIN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Spavin.</i> "LOR! MY LADY, HE'D CARRY TWO OF
+        YOU!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Di.</i> "WHAT? DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT I'M ONLY
+        HALF A HORSEWOMAN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Spavin.</i> "BY NO MEANS, MY LADY. BUT ANOTHER LIKE
+        YOUR LADYSHIP WOULD LOOK SO WELL ON THE OTHER SIDE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HOW TO REPORT THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Newest Style.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>Scarcely had the tintinabulum fixed on the altitude of the
+    clock tower of the ecclesiastical building known to fame and
+    rowing men as Putney Church sounded out the merry chimes of
+    eleven in the forenoon, when the wielders of the sky-blue (or
+    dark-blue) blades were observed by the eager frequenters of the
+    tow-path carrying their trim-built ship to the water's edge.
+    Not many moments were cut to waste before each man had safely
+    ensconced himself on the thwart built for him under the
+    experienced eyes of the champion boat-builder. The men looked,
+    it must in all fairness be admitted, in the high level of
+    condition. In each eye there blazed a stern determination to do
+    or die on every possible occasion. When the signal to start was
+    given, the boat was observed to move with the bounding speed of
+    a highly-trained greyhound. The oars dipped into the water like
+    one man, though a marked inclination was observed on the part
+    of two or three of the oarsmen to "hurry," while the rest
+    seemed equally disposed to be "late." A few fatherly words from
+    the prince of modern coaches soon had the desired effect of
+    placing matters on a more completely satisfactory footing. The
+    suggestion often made in these columns that a swifter rate of
+    striking should be introduced, was acted upon. The boat moved
+    with perfect evenness, while the wavelets played round her like
+    young dolphins out for a holiday.</p>
+
+    <p>I need only add that our old friend Jupiter Pluvius proved
+    once again to be a kind friend to those who tempted the dangers
+    of the foaming tide in Putney Reach. In conclusion, it must be
+    observed that the stroke was sometimes "short" and occasionally
+    "long," but the "slides" moved like things of life, and
+    contributed greatly to the pleasure of a very enjoyable
+    outing.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>DESTROYING THE SPIDER'S WEB;</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>Or, The Thirteenth Labour of Herschelles.</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"To Lion-Hearted Hercules," the strong,</p>
+
+            <p>Sounded the clarion of Homeric song.</p>
+
+            <p>"Alcides, forcefullest of all the brood</p>
+
+            <p>Of men enforced with need of earthly food."</p>
+
+            <p><i>Punch</i> will sing gallant Herschelles, than
+            whom</p>
+
+            <p>Who was more worthy of Alcmene's womb</p>
+
+            <p>Or Jovian parentage? Behold him stand</p>
+
+            <p>With lion-hide on loins, and club in hand!</p>
+
+            <p>Forceful and formidable to all foes,</p>
+
+            <p>But fatal most especially to those</p>
+
+            <p>Of Hydra presence and Stymphalian beak,</p>
+
+            <p>Whose quarry is unseasoned youth, who seek</p>
+
+            <p>By subtle snares the Infant's steps to trip,</p>
+
+            <p>And catch the Minor in their harpy grip.</p>
+
+            <p>To his Twelve Labours, against monsters grim,</p>
+
+            <p>Who might have lived in safety but for him,</p>
+
+            <p>To snare, to slay, to humbug, and to cozen,</p>
+
+            <p>Herschelles, just to make a baker's dozen,</p>
+
+            <p>Adds a Thirteenth!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A wily, wicked wight,</p>
+
+            <p>Dwelling in noxious nooks as dark as night,</p>
+
+            <p>Beyond the radius of the housemaid's broom,</p>
+
+            <p>And thence dispensing dire disgrace and doom</p>
+
+            <p>Long time our homes hath haunted. Greedy Ghoul,</p>
+
+            <p>As furtive of advance as fierce of soul,</p>
+
+            <p>The Money-lending Spider is his name,</p>
+
+            <p>And grim and gruesome was his little game.</p>
+
+            <p>Of swollen body, of protuberant beak,</p>
+
+            <p>He knew that Youths were green, and Infants
+            weak,</p>
+
+            <p>And spun his web, invisible but strong,</p>
+
+            <p>Where'er GRAY's well-named "little triflers"
+            throng,</p>
+
+            <p>Who, verily unmindful of their doom,</p>
+
+            <p>He watched from forth his grubby haunts of
+            gloom,</p>
+
+            <p>And strove by sinister device to lure,</p>
+
+            <p>Till, 'midst his viscous mazes once secure,</p>
+
+            <p>Them he might seize and suck.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">The Birds, the Boar,</p>
+
+            <p>The Lion, or the Bull, all whom before</p>
+
+            <p>Great Herschelles had tackled, were not worse</p>
+
+            <p>Than the Colossal Spider, Albion's curse,</p>
+
+            <p>The scourge of childish Wealth and youthful
+            Rank,</p>
+
+            <p>The Moloch of our Minors! Fathers, thank</p>
+
+            <p>Our new Alcides, who, with legal club,</p>
+
+            <p>Could dare the web assault, the Spider drub!</p>
+
+            <p>Worse than Tarantula venom hath the bite</p>
+
+            <p>Of this Conkiferous Ogre, which to fight</p>
+
+            <p>Herschelles did adventure! Thump! Bang! Whack!</p>
+
+            <p>The web is burst, the Spider's on his back,</p>
+
+            <p>All impotently spluttering poisonous spleen</p>
+
+            <p>Let's hope such monster may no more be seen.</p>
+
+            <p>And let us hail great Herschelles, whose skill</p>
+
+            <p>The high-nosed horror hath availed to kill.</p>
+
+            <p>Blow, Infants, blow the pipe, and thump the
+            tabor,</p>
+
+            <p>In honour of the hero's Thirteenth Labour!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160"
+       id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+    <h2>CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2>
+
+    <h3>VII.&mdash;THE DUFFER WITH A SALMON-ROD.</h3>
+
+    <p>No pursuit is more sedentary, if one may talk of a sedentary
+    pursuit, and none more to my taste, than trout-fishing as
+    practised in the South of England. Given fine weather, and a
+    good novel, nothing can he more soothing than to sit on a
+    convenient stump, under a willow, and watch the placid kine
+    standing in the water, while the brook murmurs on, and perhaps
+    the kingfisher flits to and fro. Here you sit and fleet the
+    time carelessly, till a trout rises. Then, indeed, duty demands
+    that you shall crawl in the manner of the serpent till you come
+    within reach of him, and cast a fly, which usually makes him
+    postpone his dinner-hour. But he will come on again, there is
+    no need for you to change your position, and you can always
+    fill your basket easily&mdash;with irises and
+    marsh-marigolds.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160.png"
+             alt="'I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe with the rod.'" />
+        </a>"I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe
+        with the rod."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Such are our county contents, but woe befall the day when I
+    took to salmon-fishing. The outfit is expensive, "half-crown
+    flees" soon mount up, especially if you never go out without
+    losing your fly-book. If you buy a light rod, say of fourteen
+    feet, the chances are that it will not cover the water, and a
+    longer rod requires in the fisherman the strength of a SANDOW.
+    You need wading-breeches, which come up nearly to the neck, and
+    weigh a couple of stone. The question has been raised, can one
+    swim in them, in case of an accident? For <i>one</i>, I can
+    answer, he can't. The reel is about the size of a butter-keg,
+    the line measures hundreds of yards, and the place where you
+    fish for salmon is usually at the utter ends of the earth. Some
+    enthusiasts begin in February. Covered with furs, they sit in
+    the stern of a boat, and are pulled in a funereal manner up and
+    down Loch Tay, while the rods fish for themselves. The angler's
+    only business is to pick them up if a salmon bites, and when
+    this has gone on for a few days, with no bite, Influenza, or a
+    hard frost with curling, would be rather a relief. This kind of
+    thing is not really angling, and a Duffer is as good at it as
+    an expert.</p>
+
+    <p>Real difficulties and sufferings begin when you reach the
+    Cruach-na-spiel-bo, which sounds like Gaelic, and will serve us
+    as a name for the river. It is, of course, extremely probable
+    that you pay a large rent for the right to gaze at a series of
+    red and raging floods, or at a pale and attenuated trickle of
+    water, murmuring peevishly through a drought. But suppose, for
+    the sake of argument, that the water is "in order," and only
+    running with deep brown swirls at some thirty miles an hour.
+    Suppose also, a large presumption, that the Duffer does not
+    leave any indispensable part of his equipment at home. He
+    arrives at the stream, and as he detests a gillie, whose
+    contempt for the Duffer breeds familiarity, he puts up his rod,
+    selects a casting line, knots on the kind of fly which is
+    locally recommended, and steps into the water. Oh, how cold it
+    is! I begin casting at the top of the stream, and step from a
+    big boulder into a hole. Stagger, stumble, violent bob
+    forwards, recovery, trip up, and here one is in a sitting
+    position in the bed of the stream. However, the high
+    india-rubber breeks have kept the water out, except about a
+    pailful, which gradually illustrates the equilibrium of fluids
+    in the soles of one's stockings. However, I am on my feet
+    again, and walking more gingerly, though to the spectator, my
+    movements suggest partial intoxication. That is because the bed
+    of the stream is full of boulders, which one cannot see, owing
+    to the darkness of the water. There was a fish rose near the
+    opposite side. My heart is in my mouth. I wade in as far as I
+    can, and make a tremendous swipe with the rod. A frantic tug
+    behind, crash, there goes the top of the rod! I am caught up in
+    the root of a pine-tree, high up on the bank at my back. No use
+    in the language of imprecation. I waddle out, climb the bank,
+    extricate the fly, get out a spare top, and to work again, more
+    cautiously. Something wrong, the hook has caught in my coat,
+    between my shoulders. I must get the coat off somehow, not an
+    easy thing to do, on account of my india-rubber armour. It is
+    off at last. I cut the hook out with a knife making a big hole
+    in the coat, and cast again. That was over him! I let the fly
+    float down, working it scientifically. No response. Perhaps
+    better look at the fly. Just my luck, I have cracked it
+    off!</p>
+
+    <p>Where is the fly-book? Where indeed? A feverish search for
+    the fly-book follows&mdash;no use: it is not in the basket, it
+    is not in my pocket; must have fallen out when I fell into the
+    river. No good in looking for it, the water is too thick, I
+    <i>thought</i> I heard a splash. Luckily there are some flies
+    in my cap, it looks knowing to have some flies in one's cap,
+    and it is not so easy to lose a cap, without noticing it, as to
+    lose most things. Here is a big Silver Doctor that may do as
+    the water is thick. I put one on, and begin again casting over
+    where that fish rose. By George, there he came at me, at least
+    I think it must have been at me, a great dark swirl, "the
+    purple wave bowed over it like a hill," but he never touched
+    me. Give him five minutes law, the hook is sure to be well
+    fastened on, need not bother looking at that again. Five
+    minutes take a long time in passing, when you are giving a
+    salmon a rest. Good times and bad times and all times pass, so
+    here goes. It is correct to begin a good way above him and come
+    down to him. I'm past him; no, there is a long heavy drag under
+    water, I get the point up, he is off like a shot, while I stand
+    in a rather stupid attitude, holding on. If I cannot get out
+    and run down the bank, he has me at his mercy. I do stagger
+    out, somehow, falling on my back, but keeping the point up with
+    my right hand. No bones broken, but surely he is gone! I begin
+    reeling up the line, with a heavy heart, and try to lift it out
+    of the water. It won't come, he is here still, he has only
+    doubled back. Hooray! Nothing so nice as being all alone when
+    you hook a salmon. No gillie to scream out contradictory
+    orders. He is taking it very easy, but suddenly he moves out a
+    few yards, and begins jiggering, that is, giving a series of
+    short heavy tugs. They say he is never well hooked, when he
+    jiggers. The rod thrills unpleasantly in my hands, I wish he
+    wouldn't do that. It is very disagreeable and makes me very
+    nervous. Hullo! he is off again up-stream, the reel ringing
+    like mad: he gets into the thin water at the top, and jumps
+    high in the air. He is a monster. Hullo! what's that splash?
+    The reel has fallen off, it was always loose, and has got into
+    the water. How am I to act now? He is coming back like mad, and
+    all the line is loose, and I can't reel up. I begin pulling at
+    the line to bring up the reel, but the reel only lets the line
+    out, and now he is off again, down stream this time, and I
+    after him, and the line running out at both ends at once, and
+    now my legs get entangled in it, it is twisted all round me. He
+    runs again and jumps, the line comes back in my face, all
+    slack, something has given. It is the hook, it was not knotted
+    on firmly to start with. He flings himself out of the water
+    once more to be sure that he is free, and I sit down and gnaw
+    the reel. Had ever anybody such bad fortune, but it is just my
+    luck!</p>
+
+    <p>I go back to the place where the reel fell in, and by
+    pulling cautiously I extract it from the stream. It shan't come
+    off again; I tie it on with the leather lace of one of my
+    brogues. Then I reel up the slack, and put on another fly, out
+    of my cap, a Popham. Then I fish down the rest of the pool.
+    Near the edge, in the slower part of the water, there is a long
+    slow draw, before I can lift the point of the rod, a salmon
+    jumps high out of the water at me,&mdash;and is gone! I never
+    struck him, was too much taken aback at the moment; did not
+    expect him then. Thank goodness, the hook is not off this
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p>The next stream is very deep, strong and narrow; the best
+    chance is close in on my side. By Jove, here he is, he took
+    almost beside the rock. He sails leisurely out into the
+    strength of the stream, if he will come up, I can manage him,
+    but if he goes down, the water is very swift and broken, there
+    are big boulders, and then a sheer wall of rock difficult to
+    pass in cold blood, and then the Big Pool.
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161"
+       id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> He insists on going down, I
+       hold hard on him, and refuse line. But he leaps, and then,
+       well he <i>will</i> have it; down he rushes, I after him,
+       over the stones, scrambling along the rocky face; great
+       heavens! <i>the top joint of the rod is loose</i>; I did not
+       tie it on, thought it would hold well enough. But down it
+       runs, right down the line; it must be touching the fish. It
+       is; he does not like it, he jiggers like a mad thing, rushes
+       across the Big Pool, nearly on to the opposite bank. Why
+       won't the line run? The line is entangled in my boot-lace.
+       He is careering about; I feel that I am trembling like a
+       leaf. There, I knew it would happen; he is off with my last
+       casting-line, hook and all. A beauty he was, clear as silver
+       and fresh from the sea. Well, there is nothing for it but a
+       walk back to the house. I have lost one fly-book, two hooks,
+       a couple of casting-lines, three salmon, a top joint, and I
+       have torn a great hole in my coat. On changing my dress
+       before lunch, I find my fly-book in my breast pocket, where
+       I had not thought of looking for it somehow. Then the rain
+       comes, and there is not another fishing day in my fortnight.
+       Still, it decidedly was "one crowded hour of glorious life,"
+       while it lasted. The other men caught four or five salmon
+       apiece; it is their Red Letter Day. It is marked in black in
+       my calendar.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TOOTING.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["It is a noteworthy fact that while debates have been
+        languishing at Westminster, at Tooting there have been
+        Members enough to 'make a House' any day during the past
+        fortnight, so keen an interest is the 'Royal and Ancient'
+        game exciting."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What's the use of hooting.</p>
+
+            <p>Or cir-cum-lo-cuting?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">M.P.'s off</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">To play at Golf.</p>
+
+            <p>All the way to Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Petty points PAT's mooting!</p>
+
+            <p>Chances not computing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">M.P. slips,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">(Despite the Whips)</p>
+
+            <p>Off to Golf at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Landlords <i>may</i> be looting,</p>
+
+            <p>Tenants <i>may</i> be shooting;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Where's the fun</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">In <i>that</i>? Let's run</p>
+
+            <p>Off to Golf at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So M.P.'s are "scooting,"</p>
+
+            <p>On-the-gay-galoot-ing;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Cut the House</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">(It shows their <i>nous</i>)</p>
+
+            <p>For the Links at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There is joy in shooting,</p>
+
+            <p>Wine-ing or cherooting,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Dinners, Moors,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Weeds&mdash;<i>all</i> are bores,</p>
+
+            <p>Compared with Golf at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-1.png"
+             alt="CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Tommy.</i> "I HAD <i>SUCH</i> A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT,
+        GRANDPAPA!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Admiral.</i> "TELL IT ME, TOMMY."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Tommy.</i> "OH NO! IT WOULD ONLY FRIGHTEN YOU AS IT
+        FRIGHTENED ME!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE."</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any
+        Lady or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable
+        HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can
+        at once secure above reward. Address, &amp;c."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing
+    this Advertisement in the <i>Times</i>, I was seized with a
+    wild desire to "at once secure above reward." Said I to myself,
+    "I have 'wealthy and influential friends.' There is my cousin's
+    uncle, who has, I believe, thirty thousand a-year, though I
+    never saw any part of it, or of him, for the matter of that;
+    and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose second husband is a
+    K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know where he lives."
+    So I sat and thought about it for a time with my eyes shut, and
+    then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined it must
+    be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was so
+    much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last,
+    edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and
+    asked him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned
+    a pitying eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled
+    the station, said, wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know,
+    cos they've all arst me. You'd better foller 'em."</p>
+
+    <p>This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and
+    struggled through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and
+    influential friends" until I reached the open street. By that
+    time I was exhausted, and, finding that the street was even
+    fuller than the station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw
+    that the reserve of gold at the Bank of England would not have
+    sufficed to pay each applicant the promised £50. In any case I
+    felt sure that by that time the whole of the money in the town
+    must have been used up. So, without hat or umbrella, and with
+    my coat as much divided up the back as up the front, I
+    returned&mdash;to consciousness, and went on reading the
+    newspaper.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"THE FORESTERS."</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All the greatest swells</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of the U.S.A.</p>
+
+            <p>Come to see a new,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fascinating play.</p>
+
+            <p>Verses by a Lord!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Music by a Knight!</p>
+
+            <p>Just the thing in which</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Democrats delight.</p>
+
+            <p>When the hearty praise</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bursts from Yankee lips,</p>
+
+            <p>"Pass and blush the news</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Over glowing ships;"</p>
+
+            <p>What are "glowing ships"?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That I've never guessed,</p>
+
+            <p>"Pass the happy news,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blush it thro' the West;"</p>
+
+            <p>This I simply quote</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From the poet's muse;</p>
+
+            <p>Hang me if I know</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">How you "blush the news"!</p>
+
+            <p>Anyhow, you do,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If the lines will scan,</p>
+
+            <p>"Till the red man dance,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Do you think he can?</p>
+
+            <p>"And the red man's babe</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Leap beyond the sea."</p>
+
+            <p>Active sort of child,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Surely, that must be!</p>
+
+            <p>"Blush from West to East,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blush from left to right,</p>
+
+            <p>"Till the West is East,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the black is white,</p>
+
+            <p>DALY is the man!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Daily is the play,</p>
+
+            <p>"Dailies" puff it up,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the kindest way.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MORE APPROPRIATE.&mdash;The Senate House, where the Degree
+    Examinations take place, might well be termed "The Spinning
+    House." It is there that unfortunate Candidates are "spun."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162"
+       id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/162.png"
+             alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Little Jones</i>. "YOU'LL GIVE ME A DANCE TO-MORROW
+        NIGHT, WON'T YOU, MRS. FOOTE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Foote</i> (<i>who is anxious to show her
+        matronly consideration for Unmarried Girls</i>). "WELL, I
+        CAN'T PROMISE, AND IF THE MEN RUN <i>SHORT</i>, YOU KNOW, I
+        SHAN'T DANCE AT ALL!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;</h2>
+
+    <h3>OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["Far from taking up and developing the new mode of
+        communication thus given into its hands, it (the Post
+        Office) could not forget its attitude of hostility to the
+        innovation, or conceive any larger policy than one of
+        repressing the telephone in order to make people stick to
+        the telegraph.... The result is that England lags far
+        behind all other civilised countries in the use of the
+        telephone."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <center>
+        AIR&mdash;"<i>Ulalume</i>."
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Cinderella</i>, you sit and look sober,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Cinderella</i>, you mope and look
+            queer&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You mope, and look dolefully queer;</p>
+
+            <p>As chill as JOHN MILLAIS' "<i>October</i>,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As you have done, this many a year.</p>
+
+            <p>It is hard on you; MOZART or AUBER</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Might fail your depression to
+            cheer&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Had you taken the draught named of Glauber,</p>
+
+            <p>You could scarce look duller, my dear</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        II.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our times, dear, are truly Titanic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Perfection seems Science's
+            goal&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dim, distant, dark Science's
+            goal&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>But we're still a bit given to panic.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Monopolies moodily roll&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Monopolies restlessly roll&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>That's why there's a movement volcanic</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That stirs us from pole unto
+            pole&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>A moaning that's vainly volcanic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the realms of the (Telegraph)
+            pole.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        III.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Deputations are serious and sober,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Officials look palsied and
+            sere&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They indulge in rhetoric small-beer</p>
+
+            <p>(Instead of sound sparkling October)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They're frightened about <i>you</i>, my
+            dear&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(You, at present in two senses,
+            dear!)</p>
+
+            <p>They would scan the far future, and probe her,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But can't&mdash;and it makes them feel
+            queer;</p>
+
+            <p>As you sit by the fire, looking sober,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You make <i>them</i> sit up and feel
+            queer.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        IV.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Your sisters, whose airs are unpleasant,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Regard you with arrogant scorn&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With arrogant, uneasy scorn&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>True, they have the pull, for the present,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But fear you, the fair youngest born.</p>
+
+            <p>They know that your glory is crescent,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And, though each uplifteth her horn,</p>
+
+            <p>Each feels that <i>her</i> glory's senescent,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In spite of their duplicate scorn.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        V.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Miss Telegraph</i>, lifting her finger,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Says&mdash;"Sadly this minx I
+            mistrust&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her manners I strangely
+            mistrust&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>She'll distance us, dear, if we linger!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ah, haste!&mdash;let us haste!&mdash;for
+            we must!</p>
+
+            <p>She'll eclipse us&mdash;that <i>would</i> be a
+            stinger!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She'll rise, and our business is
+            "bust"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>My dear, we must snub her, and bring her</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Presumptuous pride to the dust&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Till she sorrowfully sinks in the
+            dust."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        VI.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Post</i> replies&mdash;"Oh, it's nothing but
+            dreaming,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her hoping to put out <i>our</i>
+            light!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our brilliant and duplicate light!</p>
+
+            <p>What did FERGUSSON say, blandly beaming</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Upon the tired House t'other night?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He said <i>he</i> would make it all
+            right.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, we safely may trust to his scheming&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Be sure he will lead us aright&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>He won't let the damsel there dreaming</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Despoil us of what is our
+            right&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The monopoly plainly <i>our</i>
+            right!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        VII.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yet watch <i>Cinderella</i>, and list her!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She yet will emerge from her
+            gloom&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Time will conquer her fears and her
+            gloom.</p>
+
+            <p>Before her she hath a bright
+            vista.<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The fairy Godmother will come!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Redtape shall not long seal her doom.</p>
+
+            <p>What is written is written! No "sister,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Though scorning her beauty, and
+            broom)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shall shroud her bright light in the
+            tomb</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which yet the whole land shall
+            illume!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        VIII.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>She's "some pumpkins"&mdash;though now she looks
+            sober&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She's brilliant; she is "no small
+            beer."</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No, no, <i>Cinderella</i>, my dear!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your envious "sisters" may jeer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And sit on you yet, for a year;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Redtape your advancement may fear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Monopoly's patrons look queer;</p>
+
+            <p>But, as sure as the month of October</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is famous for sound British beer,</p>
+
+            <p>Vested Interest time shall prove <i>no</i> bar</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To your final triumph, my dear!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>POE, not <i>Mr. Punch</i>, should have the credit of
+        this and certain other Cockney rhymes.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE."&mdash;"The competition for the
+    Evill Prize also took place yesterday" (<i>i.e.</i>, last
+    Thursday. <i>Vide Times</i>). The prize so Evilly named was won
+    by Mr. PHILIP BROZEL, of the Royal Academy of Music, who must
+    have expressed himself as being at least deucedly delighted,
+    even if he did not use some much stronger and wronger
+    expression. Henceforth PHILIP BROZEL has an Evill reputation.
+    Let us hope he will live up to it, and so live it down.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163"
+       id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/163.png"
+             alt="THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;" /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;</h3>OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165"
+       id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span>
+
+    <h2>MATINÉE MANIA.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Sketch at any Theatre on most afternoons.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>The Front of the House. In the Boxes and
+        Dress-circle are friends and relations of the</i> Author.
+        <i>In the Stalls are a couple of Stray Critics who leave
+        early, actors and actresses "resting" more friends and
+        relations. In the Pit, the front row is filled by the</i>
+        Author's <i>domestic servants, the landladies of several of
+        the performers, and a theatrical charwoman or two, behind
+        them a sprinkling of the general public, whose time
+        apparently hangs heavily on their hands. In a Stage-box is
+        the</i> Author <i>herself, with a sycophantic</i>
+        Companion. <i>A murky gloom pervades the Auditorium; a
+        scratch orchestra is playing a lame and tuneless
+        Schottische for the second time, to compensate for a little
+        delay of fifteen minutes between the first and second
+        Tableaux in the Second Act. The orchestra ceases, and a
+        Checktaker at the Pit door whistles "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!"
+        Some restless spirits stamp feebly.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/165.png"
+             alt="'Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few words.'" />
+        </a>"Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few
+        words."
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The Author.</i> I wish they would be a <i>little</i>
+        quicker. I've a good mind to go behind myself and hurry
+        them up. The audience are beginning to get impatient.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Companion.</i> But that shows how
+        <i>interested</i> they are, <i>doesn't</i> it, dear?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> I think it <i>ought</i> to interest them,
+        but I <i>did</i> expect they would have shown a little more
+        enthusiasm over that situation in the last
+        <i>tableau</i>&mdash;they're rather a <i>cold</i>
+        audience!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> It's above their heads, dear, that's where
+        it is&mdash;plays are such rubbish nowadays, people don't
+        appreciate a really <i>great</i> drama just at first. I do
+        hope Mr. IRVING, Mr. HARE and Mr. BEERBOHM TREE will come
+        in&mdash;I'm sure they'll be only too <i>anxious</i> to
+        secure it!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> I don't know that I should care for it to
+        come out at the Lyceum, but of course if the terms were
+        very&mdash;oh, they're beginning at last! I hope this light
+        comedy scene will go well. (<i>Curtain rises: Comic
+        dialogue&mdash;nothing whatever to do with the
+        plot&mdash;between a Footman and a Matinée Maidservant in
+        short sleeves, a lace tucker, and a diamond necklace;
+        depression of audience. Serious characters enter and tell
+        one another long and irrelevant stories, all about nothing.
+        When the auditor remarks,</i> "Your story is indeed a sad
+        one&mdash;but go on," <i>a shudder goes through the house,
+        which becomes a groan ten minutes later when the listener
+        says:</i> "You have told me <i>your</i> history&mdash;now
+        hear <i>mine</i>!" <i>He tells it; it proves, if possible,
+        duller and more irrelevant than the other man's. A
+        love-scene follows, characterised by all the sparkle and
+        brilliancy of "Temperance Champagne"; the House witnesses
+        the fall of the Curtain with apathy.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> That love-scene was perfectly
+        <i>ruined</i> by the acting! She <i>ought</i> to have
+        turned her head aside when he said, "Dash the teapot!" but
+        she never <i>did</i>, and he left out <i>all</i> that about
+        dreaming of her when he was ill with measles in
+        Mashonaland! I wish they wouldn't have such long waits,
+        though. We timed the piece at rehearsal, and, with the cuts
+        I made, it only played about four hours; but I'm afraid it
+        will take longer than that to-day.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> I don't care <i>how</i> long it
+        is&mdash;it's so <i>beautifully</i> written!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> Well, I put my whole <i>soul</i> into it,
+        you know; but it's not till this next Act that I show my
+        full power. [<i>Curtain rises on a drawing-room, furnished
+        with dingy wrecks from the property-room&mdash;the home
+        of</i> JASPER, the Villain, <i>who is about to give an
+        evening party. Enter a hooded crone.</i> "Sir JASPER, I
+        have a secret of importance, which can only be revealed to
+        your private ear!" (<i>Shivers of apprehension amongst the
+        audience.</i>) <i>Sir J.</i> "Certainly, go into yonder
+        apartment, and await me there." (<i>Sigh of relief from
+        spectators</i>.) <i>A Footman.</i> "Sir, the guests wait!"
+        <i>Sir J.</i> (<i>with lordly ease</i>). "Bid them enter!"
+        (<i>They troop in unannounced and sit down against the
+        wall, entertaining one another in dumb-show.</i>)
+        <i>Footman</i> (<i>re-entering</i>). "Sir, a
+        roughly-dressed stranger, who says he knew you in Norway,
+        under an <i>alias</i>, requests a few words." <i>Sir J.</i>
+        "Confusion!&mdash;one of my former accomplices in
+        crime&mdash;my guests must not be present at this
+        interview!" (<i>To Guests.</i>) "Ladies and Gentlemen, will
+        you step into the adjoining room for a few minutes, and
+        examine my collection of war-weapons?" (<i>Guests retire,
+        with amiable anticipations of enjoyment. The Stranger
+        enters, and tells another long story.</i>) "I smile still,"
+        he concludes&mdash;"but even a <i>dead</i> man's skull will
+        smile. Allow me then the privileges of death!" (<i>At this
+        an irreverent Pittite suddenly guffaws, and the Audience
+        from that moment perceives that the piece possesses a
+        humorous side. The Stranger goes; the Guests return.
+        Re-enter Footman</i>). "Sir, an elderly man, who was
+        acquainted with your family years ago, insists on seeing
+        you, and will take no denial!" <i>Villain</i> (<i>with
+        presence of mind&mdash;to Guests.</i>) "Ladies and
+        Gentlemen, will you step into the neighbouring apartment,
+        and join the dancers?" (<i>The Guests obey. The</i> Elderly
+        Man <i>enters, and denounces</i> JASPER, <i>who
+        mendaciously declares that he is his own second cousin</i>
+        JOSEPH; <i>whereupon the visitor turns down his
+        coat-collar, and takes off a false beard.</i>) "Do you know
+        me now, JASPER SHOPPUN?" he cries. "<i>I</i> am
+        JOSEPH&mdash;your second cousin!"... "What, ho, Sir
+        Insolence!" the Villain retorts. "And so you come to
+        deliver me to Justice?"... "Not so," says JOSEPH. "Long
+        years ago I swore to my dying Aunt to protect your
+        reputation, even at the expense of my own. I come to warn
+        you that"&mdash;&amp;c., &amp;c. (<i>The Audience, who are
+        now in excellent spirits, receive every incident with
+        uncontrollable merriment till the end of the Act. Another
+        long wait, enlivened by a piccolo solo.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> LAVINIA, it's <i>too</i>
+        disgraceful&mdash;it's a deliberate conspiracy to turn the
+        piece into ridicule. I never thought my <i>own
+        relations</i> would turn against me&mdash;and yet I might
+        have known!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> It wasn't the <i>play</i> they laughed at,
+        dear&mdash;that's lovely&mdash;but it's so ridiculously
+        <i>acted</i>, you know!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> Of course the acting <i>is</i>
+        abominable&mdash;but they might make allowances for
+        <i>that</i>. It <i>is</i> so unfair! [<i>The Play proceeds.
+        The Heroine's jealousy has been excited by the Villain, for
+        vague purposes of his own, and the Hero is trying to disarm
+        her suspicions.</i> <i>She.</i> "But why are you constantly
+        going from Paris to London at the beck and call of that
+        man?" <i>He</i> (<i>aside</i>). "If she only knew that I do
+        it to shield my second cousin, JASPER&mdash;but my
+        oath!&mdash;I cannot tell her! (<i>To her.</i>) The reason
+        is very simple, darling&mdash;he is my Private Secretary!"
+        (<i>Roars of inextinguishable laughter, drowning the Wife's
+        expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence. The
+        Hero wants to go out; the Wife begs him to stay; she has 'a
+        presentiment of evil&mdash;a dread of something unseen,
+        unknown.' He goes: the Villain enters in evening
+        dress.</i>) <i>Villain.</i> "Your husband is false to you.
+        Meet me in half an hour at the lonely hut by the
+        cross-roads, and you shall have proof of his guilt."
+        (<i>The Wife departs at once, just as she is. Villain,
+        soliloquising.</i>) "So&mdash;my diabolical schemes
+        prosper. I have got JOSEPH out of the way by stratagem,
+        decoyed his wife&mdash;my early love&mdash;to a lonely hut,
+        where my minions wait to seize her. Now to abduct the
+        child, destroy the certificate of vaccination which alone
+        stands between me and a Peerage, set fire to the home of my
+        ancestors, accuse JOSEPH of all my crimes, and take my seat
+        in the House of Lords as the Earl of Addelegg!
+        Ha-ha&mdash;a good night's work! a good&mdash;"
+        <i>Joseph</i> (<i>from back</i>). "Not so. I have heard
+        all. I will <i>not</i> have it. You <i>shall</i> not!"
+        (<i>&amp;c., &amp;c.</i>) <i>Villain.</i> "You would thwart
+        my schemes?" <i>Joseph</i> (<i>firmly</i>). "I would. My
+        wife and child shall <i>not</i>&mdash;" (<i>&amp;c.,
+        &amp;c.</i>) <i>Villain</i> (<i>slowly</i>). "And the oath
+        you swore to my Mother, your dying Aunt, would you break
+        that?" <i>Joseph</i> (<i>overcome</i>). "My oath! my Aunt!
+        Ah, no, I cannot, I <i>must</i> not break it. JASPER
+        <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166"
+           id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> SHOPPUN, I am
+           powerless&mdash;you must do your evil will!" (<i>He
+           sinks on a settee: Triumph of Villain, tableau, and
+           Curtain.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> I wouldn't have <i>believed</i> that a
+        modern audience would treat heroic conduct like that as if
+        it was <i>laughable</i>. It's enough to make one give up
+        play-writing altogether!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> Oh, I wouldn't do <i>that</i>, dear. You
+        mustn't punish Posterity! [<i>The Play goes on and on; the
+        Villain removes inconveniently repentant tools, and saddles
+        the Hero with his nefarious deeds. The Hero is arrested,
+        but reappears, at liberty, in the next Act (about the
+        Ninth), and no reference whatever is made to the past. Old
+        serious characters turn up again, and are welcomed with
+        uproarious delight. At the end of a conversation, lasting a
+        quarter of an hour, the Lady's-maid remarks that "her
+        Mistress has been very ill, and must not talk too much."
+        Cheers from Audience. General joy when the Villain returns
+        a hopeless maniac. Curtain about six, and loud calls for
+        Author.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> Nothing will <i>induce</i> me to take a
+        call after the shameful way they've behaved! And it's all
+        the fault of the acting. When we get home, I'll read the
+        play all through to you again, and you'll see now it
+        <i>ought</i> to have been done! A hundred and twenty pounds
+        simply thrown away!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Retires, consoled by her</i> Companion, <i>and the
+        consciousness that true genius is invariably
+        unappreciated.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 21.</i>&mdash;Uneasy
+    feeling spread through House to-night consequent on question
+    addressed by MACINNES to UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS.
+    Wants to know "whether his attention has been called to the
+    increase of drinking among Natives in the Coast Towns?" CAUSTON
+    particularly depressed.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:16%;">
+        <a href="images/166-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166-1.png"
+             alt="'Sir, I am not&mdash;'" /></a>"Sir, I am
+             not&mdash;"
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/166-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166-3.png"
+             alt="'&mdash;an Agricultural Labourer.'" />
+             </a>"&mdash;an Agricultural Labourer."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"I sat for Colchester for five years, you know," he said,
+    "and grew into habit of regarding the Natives as my
+    constituents. For five years never swallowed one without
+    thinking I was reducing the number on the Register. Used to
+    excuse myself on the ground that the particular bivalve that
+    had disappeared must have been a Conservative, or it would
+    never have been so stupid as to leave its comfortable bed to
+    embark on such a journey. My interest in the oyster is now
+    secondary. They don't flourish in Southwark; whelks more in our
+    way down there. Still one cannot forget old associations, and
+    confess I'm rather knocked over to hear this report MACINNES
+    has brought up. Can't imagine anything more distressing than
+    the spectacle of a drunken oyster&mdash;probably with
+    dishevelled beard&mdash;coming home late at night and trying to
+    get into another Native's shell under impression that he has
+    recognised his own front door. Must see WILFRID LAWSON about
+    this; get up an Oyster Temperance Society; framed certificates,
+    blue ribbon, and all that, if the thing spreads, we shall have
+    oysters emitting quite a rum-punch flavour when we add the
+    lemon."</p>
+
+    <p>Gloom dissipated two hours later by appearance of BOBBY
+    SPENCER at the Table. BOBBY doesn't often witch the House with
+    oratory. Content with important though to outsiders obscure
+    position he occupies in Party administration. His is the hand
+    that pulls the strings to which Liberal Party dance.
+    SCHNADHORST gets some credit, but everybody knows BOBBY's the
+    man. To see these two political strategists in conference is
+    sufficient to reassure the Liberal Party on the possible issues
+    of the General Election.</p>
+
+    <p>SCHNADHORST complains that BOBBY has a trick, after
+    addressing him through the ear-trumpet he (S.) carries in
+    reminiscence of JOSHUA REYNOLDS, of putting his ear to the
+    trumpet as if he expected the answer to arrive through that
+    medium.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/166-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166-2.png"
+             alt="MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON 'THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT.'" />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON "THE HUMOURS OF
+        PARLIAMENT."</h3>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Very embarrassing." SCHNADHORST says, "to have a fellow
+    first putting his mouth and then his ear to other end of your
+    trumpet. Sometimes I say to him, sharply, '<i>I</i> don't speak
+    through the trumpet.' 'Oh, no, of course not,' he says, 'I beg
+    your pardon,' and draws away. Presently he's back again,
+    politely, as I speak, applying his ear to the trumpet. But it's
+    only the absence of mind that arises from preoccupation in
+    matters of State."</p>
+
+    <p>BOBBY, besides being the political director of the strategy
+    of the Liberal Party, is a County Member. It was in this last
+    capacity he appeared at Table to-night in Debate on Second
+    Reading of Small Holdings Bill. House received him with hearty
+    cheer. No one more popular than BOBBY. Delight uproariously
+    manifested when, daintily pulling at his abundant shirt-cuff,
+    and settling his fair young head more comfortably upon summit
+    of his monumental collar, he deprecatingly observed&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer."</p>
+
+    <p>The speech a model of Parliamentary debating, full of point,
+    resting on sound argument, lucidly stated, and all over in five
+    minutes. <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Debate on Small Holdings
+    Bill.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;Morning Sitting. SEXTON at length
+    worked off the speech on Irish Education Bill, that has hung
+    over House like cloud since Bill was introduced in earliest
+    days of Session. Wasn't in his place the first night; so
+    friends and colleagues wore out the sitting to preserve his
+    opportunity. When this next presented itself, SEXTON thought
+    the hour and condition of House unsuitable for person of his
+    consequence; declined to speak. To-day, his last chance, things
+    worse than ever. Benches empty, as usual at Morning Sitting.
+    But now or never, and at least there would be long report in
+    Irish papers. So went at it by the hour. Finished at a quarter
+    to five. At Morning Sitting, debate automatically suspended at
+    ten minutes to seven; two hours and five minutes for everyone
+    else to speak. SINCLAIR long waiting chance to thrust in his
+    nose. Found it at last; but House wearied and worn out; glad
+    when seven o'clock approached, and Bill read First
+    Time.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page167"
+       id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/167.png"
+             alt="THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE&mdash;(VIDE THE OPPOSITION PRESS.)" />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE&mdash;(VIDE THE OPPOSITION
+        PRESS.)</h3>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page168"
+       id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span>
+
+    <p>At Evening Sitting, Lawyers had it all to themselves.
+    ROBERTSON opened Debate on Law of Conspiracy in admirable
+    speech. Later came LOCKWOOD, speaking disrespectfully of "B."
+    Then SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, girding at SOLICITOR-GENERAL; MATTHEWS
+    followed, with plump assertion that Squire had not been talking
+    about the Resolution. Finally CHARLES RUSSELL, with
+    demonstration that "the Right Hon. Gentleman (meaning MATTHEWS)
+    had displayed a complete misconception of the character and
+    objects of the Resolution." Being thus demonstrated upon
+    unimpeachable authority that nobody knew anything about the
+    Resolution, House proceeded to vote upon it. For, 180; against,
+    226. Ministerialists cheered; Opposition apparently equally
+    delighted. So home I to bed, everyone determined first thing in
+    morning get hold of newspaper, and see what the Resolution
+    really was about. <i>Business
+    done</i>.&mdash;Miscellaneous.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;"I wonder," said SAGE OF QUEEN
+    ANNE'S GATE, curiously regarding CHAMBERLAIN discoursing on the
+    Eight Hours Bill, "whom JOE meant by his reference at
+    Birmingham on Saturday night to 'the funny man of the House of
+    Commons,'&mdash;'A man who has a natural taste for buffoonery,
+    which he has cultivated with great art, who has a hatred of
+    every Government and all kinds of restraint, and especially, of
+    course, of the Government that happens to be in office.'
+    Couldn't be HENEAGE, and I don't suppose he had JESSE in his
+    mind at the moment. Pity a man can't make his points clearly.
+    JOE used to be lucid enough. But he's falling off now in that
+    as in other matters. Made me rub my eyes when I read his
+    remarks about House of Lords, and remembered what he used to
+    say on subject when he and I ran together. Certainly JOE is a
+    man of courage. There are topics he might, with memory of past
+    speeches, easily avoid or circumnavigate. But he goes straight
+    at 'em, whether fence or ditch, takes them at a stride
+    regardless of his former self, splashed with mud in the jump,
+    or smitten with the horse's hoof. Makes me quite sentimental
+    when I sit and listen to him, and recall days that are no more.
+    <i>Mrs. Gummidge</i> thinking of the Old 'Un is nothing to me
+    thinking of the Young 'Un who came up from Birmingham in 1876,
+    and who from '80 to '85 walked hand in hand with me.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We were patriots together.&mdash;Ah! placeman and
+            peer</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are the patrons who smile on your labours
+            to-day;</p>
+
+            <p>And Lords of the Treasury lustily cheer</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whatever you do and whatever you say.</p>
+
+            <p>Go, pocket, my JOSEPH, as much as you will,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The times are quite altered we very well
+            know;</p>
+
+            <p>But will you not, will you not, talk to us
+            still,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As you talked to us once long ago, long
+            ago?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We were patriots together!&mdash;I know you will
+            think</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of the cobbler's caresses, the
+            coalheaver's cries,</p>
+
+            <p>Of the stones that we throw, and the toasts that we
+            drink</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of our pamphlets and pledges, our libels
+            and lies!</p>
+
+            <p>When the truth shall awake, and the country and
+            town</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Be heartily weary of BALFOUR &amp;
+            CO.,</p>
+
+            <p>My JOSEPH, hark back to the Radical frown,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Let us be what we were, long ago, long
+            ago!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Bless me," I cried, "how beautiful! I didn't know that,
+    among your many accomplishments, you were given to dropping
+    into poetry."</p>
+
+    <p>"Tut, tut!" said the SAGE, blushing, "it isn't all my own;
+    written years ago by MACKWORTH PRAED, about JOHN CAM HOBHOUSE.
+    I've only brought it up to date."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Eight Hours' Bill thrown out on
+    a Division.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Private O'GRADY, of the Welsh
+    Fusiliers, the hero of the hour. His annals short and simple.
+    Got up early in the morning of St. Patrick's Day; provided
+    himself with handful of shamrock, which he stuck in his
+    glengarry. (<i>Note</i>.&mdash;O'GRADY, an Irishman, belongs to
+    a Welsh Regiment, and, to complete the pickle, wears a Scotch
+    cap.) The ignorant Saxon officer in command observing the
+    patriot muster with what he, all unconscious of St. Patrick's
+    Day, thought was "a handful of greens" in his cap, instructed
+    the non-commissioned officer to order him to take it out.</p>
+
+    <p>"I won't do't," said gallant Private O'GRADY, the hot Celtic
+    blood swiftly brought to boiling pitch by this insult to St.
+    Patrick. Irish Members vociferously cheered when STANHOPE read
+    the passage from Colonel's report. Another non-commissioned
+    officer advancing from the rear, repeated order.</p>
+
+    <p>"I won't do't!" roared the implacable Private O'GRADY.</p>
+
+    <p>Once more the Irish Members burst into cheering, whilst a
+    soldier in uniform in Strangers' Gallery looked on and
+    listened. Would like to hear his account of scene confided to
+    comrades in privacy of barrack-room.</p>
+
+    <p>When STANHOPE finished reading report of officer commanding
+    battalion, Irish Members leaped to their feet in body, each
+    anxious to stand shoulder to shoulder with Private O'GRADY
+    defying the Saxon. NOLAN, who had set ball rolling, might have
+    got in first, but was so excited as to be momentarily
+    speechless; could only paw at the air in direction of Treasury
+    Bench where STANHOPE sat, PAT O'BRIEN, ARTHUR O'CONNOR, the
+    wily WEBB, and the flaccid FLYNN, all shouting together. But
+    SEXTON beat them all, and will duly figure in Parliamentary
+    Report as Vindicator of Nationality, Defender of St. Patrick,
+    and Patron of Private O'GRADY.</p>
+
+    <p>"There's nothing new about Ireland," said POLTALLOCH,
+    talking the matter over later in the Lobby. "'Tis the most
+    distressful country that ever yet was seen, Where they punish
+    T. O'GRADY For the wearing of the Green."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Small Holdings Bill read Second
+    Time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday Night</i>.&mdash;House behaved nobly to-night;
+    FENWICK brought forward Motion proposing payment of Members.
+    House arbiter of situation; might have voted itself anything a
+    year it pleased. Only say the word, and JOKIM would have been
+    bound to find the money. Members flocked down in large numbers:
+    CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, seated on Front Opposition Bench, declares
+    he could distinctly hear smacking of lips of Hon. Members below
+    Gangway when FENWICK observed he thought £365 a year would be
+    reasonable allowance. However insidious temptation may have
+    been, it was nobly resisted. Of nearly 400 Members who took
+    part in Division, only 162 reached out their hand for the
+    pittance, 227 lofty souls going into other Lobby.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Private Bill Procedure Bill
+    brought in.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:70%;">
+        <a href="images/168.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168.png"
+             alt="'SAFETY MATCHES' FOR LIFE." /></a>"'SAFETY
+             MATCHES' FOR LIFE.&mdash;The following notice has been
+             issued by the Salvation Army: 'Safety matches are now
+             made by the Social Wing without sulphur or phosphorus,
+             which will flame without striking. What do we mean?
+             Just this. That if you are unmarried, and do not know
+             where to chose a partner, you can communicate with
+             Colonel BARKER, Matrimonial Bureau, 101, Queen
+             Victoria Street, E.C., and he will most probably
+             supply you with just what you want&mdash;somebody
+             loveable and good.'"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>VERY ORCHID!</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The more I think about it, the more I am convinced
+        that the life of a Peer is not a happy one."&mdash;<i>Mr.
+        Chamberlain, before the Jewellers' and Silversmiths'
+        Association at Birmingham</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Orchid is a thoughtful plant&mdash;it loves the
+            lordly hot-house,</p>
+
+            <p>And naturally reprobates poor gilliflowers as
+            "pot-house;"</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis rich, exotic, somewhat miscellaneously
+            florid;</p>
+
+            <p>The rough herbaceous annuals it vulgar deems, and
+            horrid.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With all that's forced and precious it should
+            fraternise in reason,</p>
+
+            <p>With luscious fruits and rarest roots, and produce
+            out of season;</p>
+
+            <p>It may perhaps at primroses a condescending hand
+            point;</p>
+
+            <p>It might be friends with stocks&mdash;but from a
+            pure commercial standpoint.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And yet&mdash;it is a thoughtful plant&mdash;though
+            such a growth fastidious,</p>
+
+            <p>The proud but simple strawberry still seems to it
+            invidious;</p>
+
+            <p>Those ducal leaves that shine and twine around the
+            nation's garden,</p>
+
+            <p>It fancies more delectable than all the blooms of
+            Hawarden.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This orchid's bosom bleeds to feel that, while he
+            flaunts in colour,</p>
+
+            <p>The chaplet of the strawberry should duller pine and
+            duller,</p>
+
+            <p>That obsoleteness, though delayed, should still be
+            on the <i>tapis</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>That, pending its extinction, its existence isn't
+            happy.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O courtly leaves of strawberries, old England's
+            grace and glory,</p>
+
+            <p>Emblazoned o'er the castle-keeps that moulder nigh
+            and hoary,</p>
+
+            <p>What comfort for your drooping days, what balm in
+            dire dejection,</p>
+
+            <p>That yonder orchid spruce extends his shelter and
+            protection.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But, garland sere of Vere de Vere, wan ornaments of
+            Fable,</p>
+
+            <p>The orchid is a thoughtful plant, and likes a
+            gorgeous table;</p>
+
+            <p>And, should from out your coronals one berry bright
+            be shining,</p>
+
+            <p>His patronage may snap it up&mdash;to save it from
+            declining!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14390 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
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+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14390 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14390)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+April 2, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, April 2, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 20, 2004 [EBook #14390]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+April 2, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+"'TIS MERRY IN HALL."
+
+[Illustration: "Knock'd 'em!"]
+
+"What's in an 'at without an 'ed?" DISTAFFINA DE COCKAIGNE was wont
+to inquire, and "what's an 'all" (of Music like the London Pavilion)
+"without a NED" in the shape of Mr. EDWARD SWANBOROUGH, the
+all-knowing yet ever-green Acting Manager at this place of
+entertainment, who possessing the secret of perpetual youth in all the
+glory of ever-resplendent hat and ever-dazzling shirt-front, ushers
+us into the Stalls in time to hear the best part of an excellent
+all-round show. It is sad to think that, probably as we were disputing
+with the cabman, the celebrated Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA, alias LOTTIE
+COLLINS, Serio-Comic and Dancer, was "booming" and "teraying" before
+the eyes of a delighted audience. Strange that we should not yet
+have heard the great original. But as she is not (so to adapt a line
+from the "_Last Rose of Summer_") "left booming alone," we have
+not escaped hearing several of her male and female imitators who,
+by her kind permission and that of her publishers, trade on her
+present exceptional success. However, when we entered the Stalls,
+Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA had disappeared, and somebody with a song had
+"intervened"--a mode of proceeding not necessarily limited to the
+Queen's Proctor--before the object of our visit walked on to the
+stage, and when he did come a pretty object he was too, seeing that
+it was Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, the unequalled and inimitable Comedian
+of the Costermongers. He is a thorough artist in this particular
+line, and no indifferent one in others; but his Coster ballads are
+artistically first rate. The fashion of calling English singers by
+Italian names is on the wane, otherwise Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, of
+French extraction, would find an excellent Italian alias, closely
+associated with the operatic and musical professions, and most
+appropriate to the line he has adopted, in the name of "SIGNOR COSTA."
+The melody of Mr. CHEVALIER's "_Coster's Serenade_," of which, I
+rather think, he is the composer as well as librettist, is as charming
+as it is strikingly original. After the _Chevalier sans peur et sans
+approche_ had retired, clever and sprightly Miss JENNY HILL gave as
+a taste of lodging-house-keeperism, following whom came the Two MACS
+belabouring each other in their old hopelessly idiotic, but always
+utterly irresistible style; and then Lieutenant W. COLE--King COLE
+we "crowned him long ago"--gave his ventriloquial entertainment, who,
+with his troop of talking dolls, should have his address at Dollis
+Hill. There were many "turns" yet to follow when we left, at a
+comparatively early hour; "and so," to quote old PEPYS, "home with
+much content."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO HAVE AND TO HOLD."
+
+  Big promises and Party scoldings
+  Won't cure "Small Savings" by "Small Holdings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MARVELS OF MODERN SCIENCE.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of Small Box containing telephone with book
+    of addresses. Enter hurriedly_ Impatient Subscriber.
+
+_Impatient Subscriber_ (_turning over leaves of address-book_).
+Of course I can't find it! Ah! here it is! 142086. (_Rings bell
+of telephone, and listens with receivers to his ear._) Now I have
+forgotten it! (_Puts back receivers on rests, and refers again to
+book. Telephone bell rings in answer. He hurries back and calls._)
+One hundred and forty-two nought eighty-six.
+
+_First Voice_ (_from telephone_). One hundred and forty-two?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and nought eighty-six.
+
+_First Voice_. Which do you want?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Why, both.
+
+_First Voice_. You can't. Must have one at a time.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ It's only one. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. One four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. Very well. Why didn't you give the number before?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). Well, I have given it now. (_He listens
+intently, exclaiming now and again_, "_Are you there_?" _and then
+rings_.) One four two nought eight six, please.
+
+_First Voice_ (_after a pause_). What!
+
+_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six, please.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_First Voice_ (_as if the number is now heard for the first time_).
+One four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. And look sharp!
+
+_First Voice_. What?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. I hear. One four two nought eight six. [_The
+communication is cut off for a couple of minutes._
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_for the sixth time_). Are you there?
+
+_Second Voice_. Yes. Who is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ I am BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
+
+_Second Voice_. RUSH, RUDDLE & CO.?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No. BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, no--we are still speaking. I want to know if you have
+sent that case of champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Second Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_speaking very slowly, as if dictating to imperfectly
+educated infants_). Have--you--sent--that--case--of--cham--pagne--to
+BUM--BLE--TON?
+
+_Second Voice_ (_puzzled_). Sent a case of champagne?
+
+_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Yes--have you sent a case of
+champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Second Voice_. Sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON? No; why should
+we?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Because you promised TICKLEBY you would.
+
+_Second Voice_ (_evidently perplexed_). Promised TICKLEBY?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of reproach_). Yes, promised TICKLEBY.
+
+_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking; please don't cut us off.
+(_Returning to the champagne subject_). Yes, you promised TICKLEBY you
+would send the case of champagne to BUMBLETON. (_With inspiration._)
+You are the Arctic Wine Company, aren't you?
+
+_Second Voice_. No. I am Secretary of the Curate's Papier Mâché Church
+Company.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of sorrow_). Aren't you one four two nought
+eight six?
+
+_Third Voice_ (_coming from somewhere_). Mind and bring a gun with
+you, and--.
+
+_Second Voice_. No. We are two four eight nought six seven. Good
+morning!
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). I have not begun! You have put me on the
+wrong number!
+
+_First Voice_ (_calmly_). What number do you want?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. Two four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_with suppressed rage_). No, _one_ four two nought eight
+six.
+
+_First Voice_. Very well. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and don't make a mistake.
+
+    [_Long pause, during which he asks_, "_Are you there?_" _at
+    intervals._
+
+_Fourth Voice_. What is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Are you Arctic Wine Company?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. Yes, all right! What is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_joyfully_). Have you sent a case of champagne to
+BUMBLETON?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
+
+_First Voice_. (_interposing_). Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Have you sent a case of
+champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. We can't hear you. Send a messenger.
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_shouting_). Yes! (_Is cut off._) Shorter to have done so
+at once!
+
+    [_Uses intemperate language, and hurries off to get a
+    Messenger. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHURLISH CABMAN.
+
+AIR--"_BALLYHOOLEY_."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  The Cabman's thrifty fares,
+  Who would seek suburban airs,
+    Desire, of course, a more extended "radius;"
+  But, Cabby, it is clear,
+  Thinks quite otherwise. I fear
+    The controversy's growing rather "taydious."
+  Whether by night or day,
+  A fair fare the fare should pay,
+    And Cabby should not overcharge unduly;
+  But _this_ is what riles _me_,
+  When churl Cabby _will_ not see
+    A would-be fare, but just ignores him coolly.
+
+  _Chorus_.
+
+  "_Hi! hi! Cab! Hi_!" Oh, no!
+  On the sullen brute will go;
+  When he _wants_ a fare, he's clamorous and unruly;
+  But if he wants a _drink_,
+  With a sneer or with a wink,
+  He'll rumble on and just ignore you coolly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH
+LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER SMART ALL ROUND.
+
+_Lady Di._ (_who has been trying a Horse with a view to purchase_).
+"AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HE'S QUITE UP TO MY WEIGHT, MR. SPAVIN?"
+
+_Spavin._ "LOR! MY LADY, HE'D CARRY TWO OF YOU!"
+
+_Lady Di._ "WHAT? DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT I'M ONLY HALF A HORSEWOMAN?"
+
+_Spavin._ "BY NO MEANS, MY LADY. BUT ANOTHER LIKE YOUR LADYSHIP WOULD
+LOOK SO WELL ON THE OTHER SIDE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO REPORT THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS.
+
+(_NEWEST STYLE._)
+
+Scarcely had the tintinabulum fixed on the altitude of the clock tower
+of the ecclesiastical building known to fame and rowing men as Putney
+Church sounded out the merry chimes of eleven in the forenoon, when
+the wielders of the sky-blue (or dark-blue) blades were observed by
+the eager frequenters of the tow-path carrying their trim-built ship
+to the water's edge. Not many moments were cut to waste before each
+man had safely ensconced himself on the thwart built for him under the
+experienced eyes of the champion boat-builder. The men looked, it must
+in all fairness be admitted, in the high level of condition. In each
+eye there blazed a stern determination to do or die on every possible
+occasion. When the signal to start was given, the boat was observed
+to move with the bounding speed of a highly-trained greyhound. The
+oars dipped into the water like one man, though a marked inclination
+was observed on the part of two or three of the oarsmen to "hurry,"
+while the rest seemed equally disposed to be "late." A few fatherly
+words from the prince of modern coaches soon had the desired effect
+of placing matters on a more completely satisfactory footing. The
+suggestion often made in these columns that a swifter rate of striking
+should be introduced, was acted upon. The boat moved with perfect
+evenness, while the wavelets played round her like young dolphins out
+for a holiday.
+
+I need only add that our old friend Jupiter Pluvius proved once again
+to be a kind friend to those who tempted the dangers of the foaming
+tide in Putney Reach. In conclusion, it must be observed that the
+stroke was sometimes "short" and occasionally "long," but the "slides"
+moved like things of life, and contributed greatly to the pleasure of
+a very enjoyable outing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESTROYING THE SPIDER'S WEB;
+
+_OR, THE THIRTEENTH LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES._
+
+  "To Lion-Hearted Hercules," the strong,
+  Sounded the clarion of Homeric song.
+  "Alcides, forcefullest of all the brood
+  Of men enforced with need of earthly food."
+  _Punch_ will sing gallant Herschelles, than whom
+  Who was more worthy of Alcmene's womb
+  Or Jovian parentage? Behold him stand
+  With lion-hide on loins, and club in hand!
+  Forceful and formidable to all foes,
+  But fatal most especially to those
+  Of Hydra presence and Stymphalian beak,
+  Whose quarry is unseasoned youth, who seek
+  By subtle snares the Infant's steps to trip,
+  And catch the Minor in their harpy grip.
+  To his Twelve Labours, against monsters grim,
+  Who might have lived in safety but for him,
+  To snare, to slay, to humbug, and to cozen,
+  Herschelles, just to make a baker's dozen,
+  Adds a Thirteenth!
+                     A wily, wicked wight,
+  Dwelling in noxious nooks as dark as night,
+  Beyond the radius of the housemaid's broom,
+  And thence dispensing dire disgrace and doom
+  Long time our homes hath haunted. Greedy Ghoul,
+  As furtive of advance as fierce of soul,
+  The Money-lending Spider is his name,
+  And grim and gruesome was his little game.
+  Of swollen body, of protuberant beak,
+  He knew that Youths were green, and Infants weak,
+  And spun his web, invisible but strong,
+  Where'er GRAY's well-named "little triflers" throng,
+  Who, verily unmindful of their doom,
+  He watched from forth his grubby haunts of gloom,
+  And strove by sinister device to lure,
+  Till, 'midst his viscous mazes once secure,
+  Them he might seize and suck.
+                                The Birds, the Boar,
+  The Lion, or the Bull, all whom before
+  Great Herschelles had tackled, were not worse
+  Than the Colossal Spider, Albion's curse,
+  The scourge of childish Wealth and youthful Rank,
+  The Moloch of our Minors! Fathers, thank
+  Our new Alcides, who, with legal club,
+  Could dare the web assault, the Spider drub!
+  Worse than Tarantula venom hath the bite
+  Of this Conkiferous Ogre, which to fight
+  Herschelles did adventure! Thump! Bang! Whack!
+  The web is burst, the Spider's on his back,
+  All impotently spluttering poisonous spleen
+  Let's hope such monster may no more be seen.
+  And let us hail great Herschelles, whose skill
+  The high-nosed horror hath availed to kill.
+  Blow, Infants, blow the pipe, and thump the tabor,
+  In honour of the hero's Thirteenth Labour!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+VII.--THE DUFFER WITH A SALMON-ROD.
+
+No pursuit is more sedentary, if one may talk of a sedentary pursuit,
+and none more to my taste, than trout-fishing as practised in the
+South of England. Given fine weather, and a good novel, nothing can he
+more soothing than to sit on a convenient stump, under a willow, and
+watch the placid kine standing in the water, while the brook murmurs
+on, and perhaps the kingfisher flits to and fro. Here you sit and
+fleet the time carelessly, till a trout rises. Then, indeed, duty
+demands that you shall crawl in the manner of the serpent till you
+come within reach of him, and cast a fly, which usually makes him
+postpone his dinner-hour. But he will come on again, there is no need
+for you to change your position, and you can always fill your basket
+easily--with irises and marsh-marigolds.
+
+[Illustration: "I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe
+with the rod."]
+
+Such are our county contents, but woe befall the day when I took to
+salmon-fishing. The outfit is expensive, "half-crown flees" soon mount
+up, especially if you never go out without losing your fly-book. If
+you buy a light rod, say of fourteen feet, the chances are that it
+will not cover the water, and a longer rod requires in the fisherman
+the strength of a SANDOW. You need wading-breeches, which come up
+nearly to the neck, and weigh a couple of stone. The question has been
+raised, can one swim in them, in case of an accident? For _one_, I can
+answer, he can't. The reel is about the size of a butter-keg, the line
+measures hundreds of yards, and the place where you fish for salmon
+is usually at the utter ends of the earth. Some enthusiasts begin in
+February. Covered with furs, they sit in the stern of a boat, and are
+pulled in a funereal manner up and down Loch Tay, while the rods fish
+for themselves. The angler's only business is to pick them up if a
+salmon bites, and when this has gone on for a few days, with no bite,
+Influenza, or a hard frost with curling, would be rather a relief.
+This kind of thing is not really angling, and a Duffer is as good at
+it as an expert.
+
+Real difficulties and sufferings begin when you reach the
+Cruach-na-spiel-bo, which sounds like Gaelic, and will serve us as
+a name for the river. It is, of course, extremely probable that you
+pay a large rent for the right to gaze at a series of red and raging
+floods, or at a pale and attenuated trickle of water, murmuring
+peevishly through a drought. But suppose, for the sake of argument,
+that the water is "in order," and only running with deep brown swirls
+at some thirty miles an hour. Suppose also, a large presumption, that
+the Duffer does not leave any indispensable part of his equipment
+at home. He arrives at the stream, and as he detests a gillie, whose
+contempt for the Duffer breeds familiarity, he puts up his rod,
+selects a casting line, knots on the kind of fly which is locally
+recommended, and steps into the water. Oh, how cold it is! I begin
+casting at the top of the stream, and step from a big boulder into a
+hole. Stagger, stumble, violent bob forwards, recovery, trip up, and
+here one is in a sitting position in the bed of the stream. However,
+the high india-rubber breeks have kept the water out, except about a
+pailful, which gradually illustrates the equilibrium of fluids in the
+soles of one's stockings. However, I am on my feet again, and walking
+more gingerly, though to the spectator, my movements suggest partial
+intoxication. That is because the bed of the stream is full of
+boulders, which one cannot see, owing to the darkness of the water.
+There was a fish rose near the opposite side. My heart is in my mouth.
+I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe with the rod. A
+frantic tug behind, crash, there goes the top of the rod! I am caught
+up in the root of a pine-tree, high up on the bank at my back. No
+use in the language of imprecation. I waddle out, climb the bank,
+extricate the fly, get out a spare top, and to work again, more
+cautiously. Something wrong, the hook has caught in my coat, between
+my shoulders. I must get the coat off somehow, not an easy thing to
+do, on account of my india-rubber armour. It is off at last. I cut
+the hook out with a knife making a big hole in the coat, and cast
+again. That was over him! I let the fly float down, working it
+scientifically. No response. Perhaps better look at the fly. Just my
+luck, I have cracked it off!
+
+Where is the fly-book? Where indeed? A feverish search for the
+fly-book follows--no use: it is not in the basket, it is not in my
+pocket; must have fallen out when I fell into the river. No good in
+looking for it, the water is too thick, I _thought_ I heard a splash.
+Luckily there are some flies in my cap, it looks knowing to have
+some flies in one's cap, and it is not so easy to lose a cap, without
+noticing it, as to lose most things. Here is a big Silver Doctor that
+may do as the water is thick. I put one on, and begin again casting
+over where that fish rose. By George, there he came at me, at least
+I think it must have been at me, a great dark swirl, "the purple wave
+bowed over it like a hill," but he never touched me. Give him five
+minutes law, the hook is sure to be well fastened on, need not bother
+looking at that again. Five minutes take a long time in passing, when
+you are giving a salmon a rest. Good times and bad times and all times
+pass, so here goes. It is correct to begin a good way above him and
+come down to him. I'm past him; no, there is a long heavy drag under
+water, I get the point up, he is off like a shot, while I stand in a
+rather stupid attitude, holding on. If I cannot get out and run down
+the bank, he has me at his mercy. I do stagger out, somehow, falling
+on my back, but keeping the point up with my right hand. No bones
+broken, but surely he is gone! I begin reeling up the line, with a
+heavy heart, and try to lift it out of the water. It won't come, he
+is here still, he has only doubled back. Hooray! Nothing so nice
+as being all alone when you hook a salmon. No gillie to scream out
+contradictory orders. He is taking it very easy, but suddenly he moves
+out a few yards, and begins jiggering, that is, giving a series of
+short heavy tugs. They say he is never well hooked, when he jiggers.
+The rod thrills unpleasantly in my hands, I wish he wouldn't do that.
+It is very disagreeable and makes me very nervous. Hullo! he is off
+again up-stream, the reel ringing like mad: he gets into the thin
+water at the top, and jumps high in the air. He is a monster. Hullo!
+what's that splash? The reel has fallen off, it was always loose, and
+has got into the water. How am I to act now? He is coming back like
+mad, and all the line is loose, and I can't reel up. I begin pulling
+at the line to bring up the reel, but the reel only lets the line
+out, and now he is off again, down stream this time, and I after him,
+and the line running out at both ends at once, and now my legs get
+entangled in it, it is twisted all round me. He runs again and jumps,
+the line comes back in my face, all slack, something has given. It
+is the hook, it was not knotted on firmly to start with. He flings
+himself out of the water once more to be sure that he is free, and I
+sit down and gnaw the reel. Had ever anybody such bad fortune, but it
+is just my luck!
+
+I go back to the place where the reel fell in, and by pulling
+cautiously I extract it from the stream. It shan't come off again; I
+tie it on with the leather lace of one of my brogues. Then I reel up
+the slack, and put on another fly, out of my cap, a Popham. Then I
+fish down the rest of the pool. Near the edge, in the slower part of
+the water, there is a long slow draw, before I can lift the point of
+the rod, a salmon jumps high out of the water at me,--and is gone!
+I never struck him, was too much taken aback at the moment; did not
+expect him then. Thank goodness, the hook is not off this time.
+
+The next stream is very deep, strong and narrow; the best chance is
+close in on my side. By Jove, here he is, he took almost beside the
+rock. He sails leisurely out into the strength of the stream, if he
+will come up, I can manage him, but if he goes down, the water is
+very swift and broken, there are big boulders, and then a sheer wall
+of rock difficult to pass in cold blood, and then the Big Pool. He
+insists on going down, I hold hard on him, and refuse line. But he
+leaps, and then, well he _will_ have it; down he rushes, I after him,
+over the stones, scrambling along the rocky face; great heavens! _the
+top joint of the rod is loose_; I did not tie it on, thought it would
+hold well enough. But down it runs, right down the line; it must be
+touching the fish. It is; he does not like it, he jiggers like a mad
+thing, rushes across the Big Pool, nearly on to the opposite bank.
+Why won't the line run? The line is entangled in my boot-lace. He is
+careering about; I feel that I am trembling like a leaf. There, I knew
+it would happen; he is off with my last casting-line, hook and all. A
+beauty he was, clear as silver and fresh from the sea. Well, there is
+nothing for it but a walk back to the house. I have lost one fly-book,
+two hooks, a couple of casting-lines, three salmon, a top joint, and I
+have torn a great hole in my coat. On changing my dress before lunch,
+I find my fly-book in my breast pocket, where I had not thought of
+looking for it somehow. Then the rain comes, and there is not another
+fishing day in my fortnight. Still, it decidedly was "one crowded hour
+of glorious life," while it lasted. The other men caught four or five
+salmon apiece; it is their Red Letter Day. It is marked in black in my
+calendar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOOTING.
+
+    ["It is a noteworthy fact that while debates have been
+    languishing at Westminster, at Tooting there have been Members
+    enough to 'make a House' any day during the past fortnight,
+    so keen an interest is the 'Royal and Ancient' game
+    exciting."--_Daily Telegraph._]
+
+  What's the use of hooting.
+  Or cir-cum-lo-cuting?
+      M.P.'s off
+      To play at Golf.
+  All the way to Tooting!
+
+  Petty points PAT's mooting!
+  Chances not computing,
+      M.P. slips,
+      (Despite the Whips)
+  Off to Golf at Tooting!
+
+  Landlords _may_ be looting,
+  Tenants _may_ be shooting;
+      Where's the fun
+      In _that_? Let's run
+  Off to Golf at Tooting!
+
+  So M.P.'s are "scooting,"
+  On-the-gay-galoot-ing;
+      Cut the House
+      (It shows their _nous_)
+  For the Links at Tooting!
+
+  There is joy in shooting,
+  Wine-ing or cherooting,
+      Dinners, Moors,
+      Weeds--_all_ are bores,
+  Compared with Golf at Tooting!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS.
+
+_Tommy._ "I HAD _SUCH_ A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT, GRANDPAPA!"
+
+_The Admiral._ "TELL IT ME, TOMMY."
+
+_Tommy._ "OH NO! IT WOULD ONLY FRIGHTEN YOU AS IT FRIGHTENED ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE."
+
+    ["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any Lady
+    or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable
+    HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can at
+    once secure above reward. Address, &c."]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing this
+Advertisement in the _Times_, I was seized with a wild desire to "at
+once secure above reward." Said I to myself, "I have 'wealthy and
+influential friends.' There is my cousin's uncle, who has, I believe,
+thirty thousand a-year, though I never saw any part of it, or of him,
+for the matter of that; and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose
+second husband is a K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know
+where he lives." So I sat and thought about it for a time with my
+eyes shut, and then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined
+it must be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was
+so much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last,
+edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and asked
+him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned a pitying
+eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled the station, said,
+wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know, cos they've all arst me.
+You'd better foller 'em."
+
+This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and struggled
+through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and influential
+friends" until I reached the open street. By that time I was
+exhausted, and, finding that the street was even fuller than the
+station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw that the reserve
+of gold at the Bank of England would not have sufficed to pay each
+applicant the promised £50. In any case I felt sure that by that time
+the whole of the money in the town must have been used up. So, without
+hat or umbrella, and with my coat as much divided up the back as
+up the front, I returned--to consciousness, and went on reading the
+newspaper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE FORESTERS."
+
+  All the greatest swells
+    Of the U.S.A.
+  Come to see a new,
+    Fascinating play.
+  Verses by a Lord!
+    Music by a Knight!
+  Just the thing in which
+    Democrats delight.
+  When the hearty praise
+    Bursts from Yankee lips,
+  "Pass and blush the news
+    Over glowing ships;"
+  What are "glowing ships"?
+    That I've never guessed,
+  "Pass the happy news,
+    Blush it thro' the West;"
+  This I simply quote
+    From the poet's muse;
+  Hang me if I know
+    How you "blush the news"!
+  Anyhow, you do,
+    If the lines will scan,
+  "Till the red man dance,"
+    Do you think he can?
+  "And the red man's babe
+    Leap beyond the sea."
+  Active sort of child,
+    Surely, that must be!
+  "Blush from West to East,"
+    Blush from left to right,
+  "Till the West is East,"
+    And the black is white,
+  DALY is the man!
+    Daily is the play,
+  "Dailies" puff it up,
+    In the kindest way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE APPROPRIATE.--The Senate House, where the Degree Examinations
+take place, might well be termed "The Spinning House." It is there
+that unfortunate Candidates are "spun."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.
+
+_Little Jones_. "YOU'LL GIVE ME A DANCE TO-MORROW NIGHT, WON'T YOU,
+MRS. FOOTE?"
+
+_Mrs. Foote_ (_who is anxious to show her matronly consideration for
+Unmarried Girls_). "WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE, AND IF THE MEN RUN _SHORT_,
+YOU KNOW, I SHAN'T DANCE AT ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;
+
+OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.
+
+    ["Far from taking up and developing the new mode of
+    communication thus given into its hands, it (the Post Office)
+    could not forget its attitude of hostility to the innovation,
+    or conceive any larger policy than one of repressing the
+    telephone in order to make people stick to the telegraph....
+    The result is that England lags far behind all other civilised
+    countries in the use of the telephone."--_Times_.]
+
+AIR--"_Ulalume_."
+
+  _Cinderella_, you sit and look sober,
+    _Cinderella_, you mope and look queer--
+    You mope, and look dolefully queer;
+  As chill as JOHN MILLAIS' "_October_,"
+    As you have done, this many a year.
+  It is hard on you; MOZART or AUBER
+    Might fail your depression to cheer--
+  Had you taken the draught named of Glauber,
+  You could scarce look duller, my dear
+
+II.
+
+  Our times, dear, are truly Titanic,
+    Perfection seems Science's goal--
+    Dim, distant, dark Science's goal--
+  But we're still a bit given to panic.
+        Monopolies moodily roll--
+        Monopolies restlessly roll--
+  That's why there's a movement volcanic
+    That stirs us from pole unto pole--
+  A moaning that's vainly volcanic,
+    In the realms of the (Telegraph) pole.
+
+III.
+
+  Deputations are serious and sober,
+    Officials look palsied and sere--
+    They indulge in rhetoric small-beer
+  (Instead of sound sparkling October)
+    They're frightened about _you_, my dear--
+    (You, at present in two senses, dear!)
+  They would scan the far future, and probe her,
+    But can't--and it makes them feel queer;
+  As you sit by the fire, looking sober,
+    You make _them_ sit up and feel queer.
+
+IV.
+
+  Your sisters, whose airs are unpleasant,
+    Regard you with arrogant scorn--
+    With arrogant, uneasy scorn--
+  True, they have the pull, for the present,
+    But fear you, the fair youngest born.
+  They know that your glory is crescent,
+    And, though each uplifteth her horn,
+  Each feels that _her_ glory's senescent,
+    In spite of their duplicate scorn.
+
+V.
+
+  _Miss Telegraph_, lifting her finger,
+    Says--"Sadly this minx I mistrust--
+    Her manners I strangely mistrust--
+  She'll distance us, dear, if we linger!
+    Ah, haste!--let us haste!--for we must!
+  She'll eclipse us--that _would_ be a stinger!
+    She'll rise, and our business is "bust"--
+  My dear, we must snub her, and bring her
+    Presumptuous pride to the dust--
+    Till she sorrowfully sinks in the dust."
+
+VI.
+
+  _Post_ replies--"Oh, it's nothing but dreaming,
+    Her hoping to put out _our_ light!--
+    Our brilliant and duplicate light!
+  What did FERGUSSON say, blandly beaming
+    Upon the tired House t'other night?
+    He said _he_ would make it all right.
+  Ah, we safely may trust to his scheming--
+    Be sure he will lead us aright--
+  He won't let the damsel there dreaming
+    Despoil us of what is our right--
+    The monopoly plainly _our_ right!"
+
+VII.
+
+  Yet watch _Cinderella_, and list her!
+    She yet will emerge from her gloom--
+    Time will conquer her fears and her gloom.
+  Before her she hath a bright vista.[1]
+    The fairy Godmother will come!
+    Redtape shall not long seal her doom.
+  What is written is written! No "sister,"
+    (Though scorning her beauty, and broom)
+    Shall shroud her bright light in the tomb
+    Which yet the whole land shall illume!
+
+VIII.
+
+  She's "some pumpkins"--though now she looks sober--
+    She's brilliant; she is "no small beer."
+    No, no, _Cinderella_, my dear!
+    Your envious "sisters" may jeer,
+    And sit on you yet, for a year;
+    Redtape your advancement may fear,
+    And Monopoly's patrons look queer;
+  But, as sure as the month of October
+    Is famous for sound British beer,
+  Vested Interest time shall prove _no_ bar
+    To your final triumph, my dear!
+
+[Footnote 1: POE, not _Mr. Punch_, should have the credit of this and
+certain other Cockney rhymes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE."--"The competition for the Evill Prize
+also took place yesterday" (i.e., last Thursday. _Vide Times_). The
+prize so Evilly named was won by Mr. PHILIP BROZEL, of the Royal
+Academy of Music, who must have expressed himself as being at least
+deucedly delighted, even if he did not use some much stronger and
+wronger expression. Henceforth PHILIP BROZEL has an Evill reputation.
+Let us hope he will live up to it, and so live it down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;
+
+OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATINÉE MANIA.
+
+(_A SKETCH AT ANY THEATRE ON MOST AFTERNOONS._)
+
+    SCENE--_The Front of the House. In the Boxes and Dress-circle
+    are friends and relations of the_ Author. _In the Stalls are a
+    couple of Stray Critics who leave early, actors and actresses
+    "resting" more friends and relations. In the Pit, the front
+    row is filled by the_ Author's _domestic servants, the
+    landladies of several of the performers, and a theatrical
+    charwoman or two, behind them a sprinkling of the general
+    public, whose time apparently hangs heavily on their hands.
+    In a Stage-box is the_ Author _herself, with a sycophantic_
+    Companion. _A murky gloom pervades the Auditorium; a scratch
+    orchestra is playing a lame and tuneless Schottische for
+    the second time, to compensate for a little delay of fifteen
+    minutes between the first and second Tableaux in the Second
+    Act. The orchestra ceases, and a Checktaker at the Pit door
+    whistles "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!" Some restless spirits stamp
+    feebly._
+
+[Illustration: "Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few
+words."]
+
+_The Author._ I wish they would be a _little_ quicker. I've a good
+mind to go behind myself and hurry them up. The audience are beginning
+to get impatient.
+
+_Her Companion._ But that shows how _interested_ they are, _doesn't_
+it, dear?
+
+_Author._ I think it _ought_ to interest them, but I _did_ expect they
+would have shown a little more enthusiasm over that situation in the
+last _tableau_--they're rather a _cold_ audience!
+
+_Comp._ It's above their heads, dear, that's where it is--plays are
+such rubbish nowadays, people don't appreciate a really _great_ drama
+just at first. I do hope Mr. IRVING, Mr. HARE and Mr. BEERBOHM TREE
+will come in--I'm sure they'll be only too _anxious_ to secure it!
+
+_Author._ I don't know that I should care for it to come out at the
+Lyceum, but of course if the terms were very--oh, they're beginning
+at last! I hope this light comedy scene will go well. (_Curtain
+rises: Comic dialogue--nothing whatever to do with the plot--between a
+Footman and a Matinée Maidservant in short sleeves, a lace tucker, and
+a diamond necklace; depression of audience. Serious characters enter
+and tell one another long and irrelevant stories, all about nothing.
+When the auditor remarks,_ "Your story is indeed a sad one--but go
+on," _a shudder goes through the house, which becomes a groan ten
+minutes later when the listener says:_ "You have told me _your_
+history--now hear _mine_!" _He tells it; it proves, if possible,
+duller and more irrelevant than the other man's. A love-scene follows,
+characterised by all the sparkle and brilliancy of "Temperance
+Champagne"; the House witnesses the fall of the Curtain with apathy._)
+
+_Author._ That love-scene was perfectly _ruined_ by the acting! She
+_ought_ to have turned her head aside when he said, "Dash the teapot!"
+but she never _did_, and he left out _all_ that about dreaming of her
+when he was ill with measles in Mashonaland! I wish they wouldn't have
+such long waits, though. We timed the piece at rehearsal, and, with
+the cuts I made, it only played about four hours; but I'm afraid it
+will take longer than that to-day.
+
+_Comp._ I don't care _how_ long it is--it's so _beautifully_ written!
+
+_Author._ Well, I put my whole _soul_ into it, you know; but it's not
+till this next Act that I show my full power. [_Curtain rises on a
+drawing-room, furnished with dingy wrecks from the property-room--the
+home of_ JASPER, the Villain, _who is about to give an evening party.
+Enter a hooded crone._ "Sir JASPER, I have a secret of importance,
+which can only be revealed to your private ear!" (_Shivers of
+apprehension amongst the audience._) _Sir J._ "Certainly, go
+into yonder apartment, and await me there." (_Sigh of relief from
+spectators_.) _A Footman._ "Sir, the guests wait!" _Sir J._ (_with
+lordly ease_). "Bid them enter!" (_They troop in unannounced and
+sit down against the wall, entertaining one another in dumb-show._)
+_Footman_ (_re-entering_). "Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger, who says
+he knew you in Norway, under an _alias_, requests a few words." _Sir
+J._ "Confusion!--one of my former accomplices in crime--my guests
+must not be present at this interview!" (_To Guests._) "Ladies and
+Gentlemen, will you step into the adjoining room for a few minutes,
+and examine my collection of war-weapons?" (_Guests retire, with
+amiable anticipations of enjoyment. The Stranger enters, and tells
+another long story._) "I smile still," he concludes--"but even a
+_dead_ man's skull will smile. Allow me then the privileges of death!"
+(_At this an irreverent Pittite suddenly guffaws, and the Audience
+from that moment perceives that the piece possesses a humorous side.
+The Stranger goes; the Guests return. Re-enter Footman_). "Sir, an
+elderly man, who was acquainted with your family years ago, insists
+on seeing you, and will take no denial!" _Villain_ (_with presence
+of mind--to Guests._) "Ladies and Gentlemen, will you step into the
+neighbouring apartment, and join the dancers?" (_The Guests obey. The_
+Elderly Man _enters, and denounces_ JASPER, _who mendaciously declares
+that he is his own second cousin_ JOSEPH; _whereupon the visitor
+turns down his coat-collar, and takes off a false beard._) "Do you
+know me now, JASPER SHOPPUN?" he cries. "_I_ am JOSEPH--your second
+cousin!"... "What, ho, Sir Insolence!" the Villain retorts. "And so
+you come to deliver me to Justice?"... "Not so," says JOSEPH. "Long
+years ago I swore to my dying Aunt to protect your reputation, even
+at the expense of my own. I come to warn you that"--&c., &c. (_The
+Audience, who are now in excellent spirits, receive every incident
+with uncontrollable merriment till the end of the Act. Another long
+wait, enlivened by a piccolo solo._)
+
+_Author._ LAVINIA, it's _too_ disgraceful--it's a deliberate
+conspiracy to turn the piece into ridicule. I never thought my _own
+relations_ would turn against me--and yet I might have known!
+
+_Comp._ It wasn't the _play_ they laughed at, dear--that's lovely--but
+it's so ridiculously _acted_, you know!
+
+_Author._ Of course the acting _is_ abominable--but they might make
+allowances for _that_. It _is_ so unfair! [_The Play proceeds. The
+Heroine's jealousy has been excited by the Villain, for vague purposes
+of his own, and the Hero is trying to disarm her suspicions._ _She._
+"But why are you constantly going from Paris to London at the beck
+and call of that man?" _He_ (_aside_). "If she only knew that I do it
+to shield my second cousin, JASPER--but my oath!--I cannot tell her!
+(_To her._) The reason is very simple, darling--he is my Private
+Secretary!" (_Roars of inextinguishable laughter, drowning the Wife's
+expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence. The Hero wants to
+go out; the Wife begs him to stay; she has 'a presentiment of evil--a
+dread of something unseen, unknown.' He goes: the Villain enters in
+evening dress._) _Villain._ "Your husband is false to you. Meet me
+in half an hour at the lonely hut by the cross-roads, and you shall
+have proof of his guilt." (_The Wife departs at once, just as she is.
+Villain, soliloquising._) "So--my diabolical schemes prosper. I have
+got JOSEPH out of the way by stratagem, decoyed his wife--my early
+love--to a lonely hut, where my minions wait to seize her. Now to
+abduct the child, destroy the certificate of vaccination which alone
+stands between me and a Peerage, set fire to the home of my ancestors,
+accuse JOSEPH of all my crimes, and take my seat in the House of
+Lords as the Earl of Addelegg! Ha-ha--a good night's work! a good--"
+_Joseph_ (_from back_). "Not so. I have heard all. I will _not_ have
+it. You _shall_ not!" (_&c., &c._) _Villain._ "You would thwart my
+schemes?" _Joseph_ (_firmly_). "I would. My wife and child shall
+_not_--" (_&c., &c._) _Villain_ (_slowly_). "And the oath you swore
+to my Mother, your dying Aunt, would you break that?" _Joseph_
+(_overcome_). "My oath! my Aunt! Ah, no, I cannot, I _must_ not break
+it. JASPER SHOPPUN, I am powerless--you must do your evil will!" (_He
+sinks on a settee: Triumph of Villain, tableau, and Curtain._)
+
+_Author._ I wouldn't have _believed_ that a modern audience would
+treat heroic conduct like that as if it was _laughable_. It's enough
+to make one give up play-writing altogether!
+
+_Comp._ Oh, I wouldn't do _that_, dear. You mustn't punish Posterity!
+[_The Play goes on and on; the Villain removes inconveniently
+repentant tools, and saddles the Hero with his nefarious deeds. The
+Hero is arrested, but reappears, at liberty, in the next Act (about
+the Ninth), and no reference whatever is made to the past. Old serious
+characters turn up again, and are welcomed with uproarious delight.
+At the end of a conversation, lasting a quarter of an hour, the
+Lady's-maid remarks that "her Mistress has been very ill, and must
+not talk too much." Cheers from Audience. General joy when the Villain
+returns a hopeless maniac. Curtain about six, and loud calls for
+Author._)
+
+_Author._ Nothing will _induce_ me to take a call after the shameful
+way they've behaved! And it's all the fault of the acting. When we
+get home, I'll read the play all through to you again, and you'll see
+now it _ought_ to have been done! A hundred and twenty pounds simply
+thrown away!
+
+    [_Retires, consoled by her_ Companion, _and the consciousness
+    that true genius is invariably unappreciated._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 21._--Uneasy feeling spread through
+House to-night consequent on question addressed by MACINNES to
+UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS. Wants to know "whether his
+attention has been called to the increase of drinking among Natives
+in the Coast Towns?" CAUSTON particularly depressed.
+
+[Illustration: "Sir, I am not--"]
+
+[Illustration: "--an Agricultural Labourer."]
+
+"I sat for Colchester for five years, you know," he said, "and grew
+into habit of regarding the Natives as my constituents. For five years
+never swallowed one without thinking I was reducing the number on
+the Register. Used to excuse myself on the ground that the particular
+bivalve that had disappeared must have been a Conservative, or it
+would never have been so stupid as to leave its comfortable bed to
+embark on such a journey. My interest in the oyster is now secondary.
+They don't flourish in Southwark; whelks more in our way down there.
+Still one cannot forget old associations, and confess I'm rather
+knocked over to hear this report MACINNES has brought up. Can't
+imagine anything more distressing than the spectacle of a drunken
+oyster--probably with dishevelled beard--coming home late at night and
+trying to get into another Native's shell under impression that he has
+recognised his own front door. Must see WILFRID LAWSON about this; get
+up an Oyster Temperance Society; framed certificates, blue ribbon, and
+all that, if the thing spreads, we shall have oysters emitting quite a
+rum-punch flavour when we add the lemon."
+
+Gloom dissipated two hours later by appearance of BOBBY SPENCER at the
+Table. BOBBY doesn't often witch the House with oratory. Content with
+important though to outsiders obscure position he occupies in Party
+administration. His is the hand that pulls the strings to which
+Liberal Party dance. SCHNADHORST gets some credit, but everybody knows
+BOBBY's the man. To see these two political strategists in conference
+is sufficient to reassure the Liberal Party on the possible issues of
+the General Election.
+
+SCHNADHORST complains that BOBBY has a trick, after addressing him
+through the ear-trumpet he (S.) carries in reminiscence of JOSHUA
+REYNOLDS, of putting his ear to the trumpet as if he expected the
+answer to arrive through that medium.
+
+[Illustration: MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON "THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT."]
+
+"Very embarrassing." SCHNADHORST says, "to have a fellow first putting
+his mouth and then his ear to other end of your trumpet. Sometimes
+I say to him, sharply, '_I_ don't speak through the trumpet.' 'Oh,
+no, of course not,' he says, 'I beg your pardon,' and draws away.
+Presently he's back again, politely, as I speak, applying his ear
+to the trumpet. But it's only the absence of mind that arises from
+preoccupation in matters of State."
+
+BOBBY, besides being the political director of the strategy of the
+Liberal Party, is a County Member. It was in this last capacity
+he appeared at Table to-night in Debate on Second Reading of Small
+Holdings Bill. House received him with hearty cheer. No one more
+popular than BOBBY. Delight uproariously manifested when, daintily
+pulling at his abundant shirt-cuff, and settling his fair young
+head more comfortably upon summit of his monumental collar, he
+deprecatingly observed--
+
+"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer."
+
+The speech a model of Parliamentary debating, full of point, resting
+on sound argument, lucidly stated, and all over in five minutes.
+_Business done._--Debate on Small Holdings Bill.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Morning Sitting. SEXTON at length worked off the speech
+on Irish Education Bill, that has hung over House like cloud since
+Bill was introduced in earliest days of Session. Wasn't in his place
+the first night; so friends and colleagues wore out the sitting to
+preserve his opportunity. When this next presented itself, SEXTON
+thought the hour and condition of House unsuitable for person of his
+consequence; declined to speak. To-day, his last chance, things worse
+than ever. Benches empty, as usual at Morning Sitting. But now or
+never, and at least there would be long report in Irish papers. So
+went at it by the hour. Finished at a quarter to five. At Morning
+Sitting, debate automatically suspended at ten minutes to seven;
+two hours and five minutes for everyone else to speak. SINCLAIR long
+waiting chance to thrust in his nose. Found it at last; but House
+wearied and worn out; glad when seven o'clock approached, and Bill
+read First Time.
+
+[Illustration: THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE--(VIDE THE OPPOSITION PRESS.)]
+
+At Evening Sitting, Lawyers had it all to themselves. ROBERTSON opened
+Debate on Law of Conspiracy in admirable speech. Later came LOCKWOOD,
+speaking disrespectfully of "B." Then SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, girding at
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL; MATTHEWS followed, with plump assertion that Squire
+had not been talking about the Resolution. Finally CHARLES RUSSELL,
+with demonstration that "the Right Hon. Gentleman (meaning MATTHEWS)
+had displayed a complete misconception of the character and objects of
+the Resolution." Being thus demonstrated upon unimpeachable authority
+that nobody knew anything about the Resolution, House proceeded
+to vote upon it. For, 180; against, 226. Ministerialists cheered;
+Opposition apparently equally delighted. So home I to bed, everyone
+determined first thing in morning get hold of newspaper, and see what
+the Resolution really was about. _Business done_.--Miscellaneous.
+
+_Wednesday_.--"I wonder," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, curiously
+regarding CHAMBERLAIN discoursing on the Eight Hours Bill, "whom JOE
+meant by his reference at Birmingham on Saturday night to 'the funny
+man of the House of Commons,'--'A man who has a natural taste for
+buffoonery, which he has cultivated with great art, who has a hatred
+of every Government and all kinds of restraint, and especially, of
+course, of the Government that happens to be in office.' Couldn't be
+HENEAGE, and I don't suppose he had JESSE in his mind at the moment.
+Pity a man can't make his points clearly. JOE used to be lucid enough.
+But he's falling off now in that as in other matters. Made me rub my
+eyes when I read his remarks about House of Lords, and remembered what
+he used to say on subject when he and I ran together. Certainly JOE
+is a man of courage. There are topics he might, with memory of past
+speeches, easily avoid or circumnavigate. But he goes straight at
+'em, whether fence or ditch, takes them at a stride regardless of
+his former self, splashed with mud in the jump, or smitten with the
+horse's hoof. Makes me quite sentimental when I sit and listen to him,
+and recall days that are no more. _Mrs. Gummidge_ thinking of the
+Old 'Un is nothing to me thinking of the Young 'Un who came up from
+Birmingham in 1876, and who from '80 to '85 walked hand in hand with
+me.
+
+  We were patriots together.--Ah! placeman and peer
+    Are the patrons who smile on your labours to-day;
+  And Lords of the Treasury lustily cheer
+    Whatever you do and whatever you say.
+  Go, pocket, my JOSEPH, as much as you will,
+    The times are quite altered we very well know;
+  But will you not, will you not, talk to us still,
+    As you talked to us once long ago, long ago?
+
+  We were patriots together!--I know you will think
+    Of the cobbler's caresses, the coalheaver's cries,
+  Of the stones that we throw, and the toasts that we drink
+    Of our pamphlets and pledges, our libels and lies!
+  When the truth shall awake, and the country and town
+    Be heartily weary of BALFOUR & CO.,
+  My JOSEPH, hark back to the Radical frown,
+    Let us be what we were, long ago, long ago!"
+
+"Bless me," I cried, "how beautiful! I didn't know that, among your
+many accomplishments, you were given to dropping into poetry."
+
+"Tut, tut!" said the SAGE, blushing, "it isn't all my own; written
+years ago by MACKWORTH PRAED, about JOHN CAM HOBHOUSE. I've only
+brought it up to date."
+
+_Business done_.--Eight Hours' Bill thrown out on a Division.
+
+_Thursday_.--Private O'GRADY, of the Welsh Fusiliers, the hero of the
+hour. His annals short and simple. Got up early in the morning of St.
+Patrick's Day; provided himself with handful of shamrock, which he
+stuck in his glengarry. (_Note_.--O'GRADY, an Irishman, belongs to a
+Welsh Regiment, and, to complete the pickle, wears a Scotch cap.) The
+ignorant Saxon officer in command observing the patriot muster with
+what he, all unconscious of St. Patrick's Day, thought was "a handful
+of greens" in his cap, instructed the non-commissioned officer to
+order him to take it out.
+
+"I won't do't," said gallant Private O'GRADY, the hot Celtic blood
+swiftly brought to boiling pitch by this insult to St. Patrick. Irish
+Members vociferously cheered when STANHOPE read the passage from
+Colonel's report. Another non-commissioned officer advancing from the
+rear, repeated order.
+
+"I won't do't!" roared the implacable Private O'GRADY.
+
+Once more the Irish Members burst into cheering, whilst a soldier
+in uniform in Strangers' Gallery looked on and listened. Would like
+to hear his account of scene confided to comrades in privacy of
+barrack-room.
+
+When STANHOPE finished reading report of officer commanding battalion,
+Irish Members leaped to their feet in body, each anxious to stand
+shoulder to shoulder with Private O'GRADY defying the Saxon. NOLAN,
+who had set ball rolling, might have got in first, but was so
+excited as to be momentarily speechless; could only paw at the air in
+direction of Treasury Bench where STANHOPE sat, PAT O'BRIEN, ARTHUR
+O'CONNOR, the wily WEBB, and the flaccid FLYNN, all shouting together.
+But SEXTON beat them all, and will duly figure in Parliamentary Report
+as Vindicator of Nationality, Defender of St. Patrick, and Patron of
+Private O'GRADY.
+
+"There's nothing new about Ireland," said POLTALLOCH, talking the
+matter over later in the Lobby. "'Tis the most distressful country
+that ever yet was seen, Where they punish T. O'GRADY For the wearing
+of the Green."
+
+_Business done_.--Small Holdings Bill read Second Time.
+
+_Friday Night_.--House behaved nobly to-night; FENWICK brought forward
+Motion proposing payment of Members. House arbiter of situation; might
+have voted itself anything a year it pleased. Only say the word, and
+JOKIM would have been bound to find the money. Members flocked down in
+large numbers: CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, seated on Front Opposition Bench,
+declares he could distinctly hear smacking of lips of Hon. Members
+below Gangway when FENWICK observed he thought £365 a year would be
+reasonable allowance. However insidious temptation may have been, it
+was nobly resisted. Of nearly 400 Members who took part in Division,
+only 162 reached out their hand for the pittance, 227 lofty souls
+going into other Lobby.
+
+_Business done_.--Private Bill Procedure Bill brought in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'SAFETY MATCHES' FOR LIFE.--The following notice has
+been issued by the Salvation Army: 'Safety matches are now made by the
+Social Wing without sulphur or phosphorus, which will flame without
+striking. What do we mean? Just this. That if you are unmarried, and
+do not know where to chose a partner, you can communicate with Colonel
+BARKER, Matrimonial Bureau, 101, Queen Victoria Street, E.C., and
+he will most probably supply you with just what you want--somebody
+loveable and good.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY ORCHID!
+
+    ["The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the
+    life of a Peer is not a happy one."--_Mr. Chamberlain, before
+    the Jewellers' and Silversmiths' Association at Birmingham_.]
+
+  The Orchid is a thoughtful plant--it loves the lordly hot-house,
+  And naturally reprobates poor gilliflowers as "pot-house;"
+  'Tis rich, exotic, somewhat miscellaneously florid;
+  The rough herbaceous annuals it vulgar deems, and horrid.
+
+  With all that's forced and precious it should fraternise in reason,
+  With luscious fruits and rarest roots, and produce out of season;
+  It may perhaps at primroses a condescending hand point;
+  It might be friends with stocks--but from a pure commercial
+          standpoint.
+
+  And yet--it is a thoughtful plant--though such a growth fastidious,
+  The proud but simple strawberry still seems to it invidious;
+  Those ducal leaves that shine and twine around the nation's garden,
+  It fancies more delectable than all the blooms of Hawarden.
+
+  This orchid's bosom bleeds to feel that, while he flaunts in colour,
+  The chaplet of the strawberry should duller pine and duller,
+  That obsoleteness, though delayed, should still be on the _tapis_,
+  That, pending its extinction, its existence isn't happy.
+
+  O courtly leaves of strawberries, old England's grace and glory,
+  Emblazoned o'er the castle-keeps that moulder nigh and hoary,
+  What comfort for your drooping days, what balm in dire dejection,
+  That yonder orchid spruce extends his shelter and protection.
+
+  But, garland sere of Vere de Vere, wan ornaments of Fable,
+  The orchid is a thoughtful plant, and likes a gorgeous table;
+  And, should from out your coronals one berry bright be shining,
+  His patronage may snap it up--to save it from declining!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, April 2, 1892, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+April 2, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, April 2, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 20, 2004 [EBook #14390]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 102.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>April 2, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157"
+       id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+
+    <h2>"'TIS MERRY IN HALL."</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/157-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157-1.png"
+             alt="'Knock'd 'em!'" /></a>"Knock'd 'em!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"What's in an 'at without an 'ed?" DISTAFFINA DE COCKAIGNE
+    was wont to inquire, and "what's an 'all" (of Music like the
+    London Pavilion) "without a NED" in the shape of Mr. EDWARD
+    SWANBOROUGH, the all-knowing yet ever-green Acting Manager at
+    this place of entertainment, who possessing the secret of
+    perpetual youth in all the glory of ever-resplendent hat and
+    ever-dazzling shirt-front, ushers us into the Stalls in time to
+    hear the best part of an excellent all-round show. It is sad to
+    think that, probably as we were disputing with the cabman, the
+    celebrated Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA, alias LOTTIE COLLINS,
+    Serio-Comic and Dancer, was "booming" and "teraying" before the
+    eyes of a delighted audience. Strange that we should not yet
+    have heard the great original. But as she is not (so to adapt a
+    line from the "<i>Last Rose of Summer</i>") "left booming
+    alone," we have not escaped hearing several of her male and
+    female imitators who, by her kind permission and that of her
+    publishers, trade on her present exceptional success. However,
+    when we entered the Stalls, Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA had disappeared,
+    and somebody with a song had "intervened"&mdash;a mode of
+    proceeding not necessarily limited to the Queen's
+    Proctor&mdash;before the object of our visit walked on to the
+    stage, and when he did come a pretty object he was too, seeing
+    that it was Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, the unequalled and inimitable
+    Comedian of the Costermongers. He is a thorough artist in this
+    particular line, and no indifferent one in others; but his
+    Coster ballads are artistically first rate. The fashion of
+    calling English singers by Italian names is on the wane,
+    otherwise Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, of French extraction, would
+    find an excellent Italian alias, closely associated with the
+    operatic and musical professions, and most appropriate to the
+    line he has adopted, in the name of "SIGNOR COSTA." The melody
+    of Mr. CHEVALIER's "<i>Coster's Serenade</i>," of which, I
+    rather think, he is the composer as well as librettist, is as
+    charming as it is strikingly original. After the <i>Chevalier
+    sans peur et sans approche</i> had retired, clever and
+    sprightly Miss JENNY HILL gave as a taste of
+    lodging-house-keeperism, following whom came the Two MACS
+    belabouring each other in their old hopelessly idiotic, but
+    always utterly irresistible style; and then Lieutenant W.
+    COLE&mdash;King COLE we "crowned him long ago"&mdash;gave his
+    ventriloquial entertainment, who, with his troop of talking
+    dolls, should have his address at Dollis Hill. There were many
+    "turns" yet to follow when we left, at a comparatively early
+    hour; "and so," to quote old PEPYS, "home with much
+    content."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"TO HAVE AND TO HOLD."</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Big promises and Party scoldings</p>
+
+            <p>Won't cure "Small Savings" by "Small Holdings."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MARVELS OF MODERN SCIENCE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>Interior of Small Box containing
+        telephone with book of addresses. Enter hurriedly</i>
+        Impatient Subscriber.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Impatient Subscriber</i> (<i>turning over leaves of
+        address-book</i>). Of course I can't find it! Ah! here it
+        is! 142086. (<i>Rings bell of telephone, and listens with
+        receivers to his ear.</i>) Now I have forgotten it!
+        (<i>Puts back receivers on rests, and refers again to book.
+        Telephone bell rings in answer. He hurries back and
+        calls.</i>) One hundred and forty-two nought
+        eighty-six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>from telephone</i>). One hundred
+        and forty-two?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, and nought eighty-six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Which do you want?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Why, both.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. You can't. Must have one at a
+        time.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> It's only one. One four two nought
+        eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. One four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, please. One four two nought eight
+        six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Very well. Why didn't you give the
+        number before?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>angrily</i>). Well, I have given it
+        now. (<i>He listens intently, exclaiming now and again</i>,
+        "<i>Are you there</i>?" <i>and then rings</i>.) One four
+        two nought eight six, please.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). What!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> One four two nought eight six,
+        please.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:16%;">
+        <a href="images/157-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>as if the number is now heard for
+        the first time</i>). One four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, please. And look sharp!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. What?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> One four two nought eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. I hear. One four two nought eight
+        six. [<i>The communication is cut off for a couple of
+        minutes.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>for the sixth time</i>). Are you
+        there?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. Yes. Who is it?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> I am BOSH, BOODLE &amp; CO.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. RUSH, RUDDLE &amp; CO.?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No. BOSH, BOODLE &amp; CO.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Have you finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, no&mdash;we are still speaking. I
+        want to know if you have sent that case of champagne to
+        BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. What? I can't hear you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>speaking very slowly, as if
+        dictating to imperfectly educated infants</i>).
+        Have&mdash;you&mdash;sent&mdash;that&mdash;case&mdash;of&mdash;cham&mdash;pagne&mdash;to
+        BUM&mdash;BLE&mdash;TON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i> (<i>puzzled</i>). Sent a case of
+        champagne?</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>interposing</i>.) Have you
+        finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, we are still speaking.
+        Yes&mdash;have you sent a case of champagne to
+        BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. Sent a case of champagne to
+        BUMBLETON? No; why should we?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Because you promised TICKLEBY you
+        would.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i> (<i>evidently perplexed</i>).
+        Promised TICKLEBY?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>in a tone of reproach</i>). Yes,
+        promised TICKLEBY.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>interposing</i>.) Have you
+        finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, we are still speaking; please don't
+        cut us off. (<i>Returning to the champagne subject</i>).
+        Yes, you promised TICKLEBY you would send the case of
+        champagne to BUMBLETON. (<i>With inspiration.</i>) You are
+        the Arctic Wine Company, aren't you?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. No. I am Secretary of the Curate's
+        Papier Mâché Church Company.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>in a tone of sorrow</i>). Aren't
+        you one four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Third Voice</i> (<i>coming from somewhere</i>). Mind
+        and bring a gun with you, and&mdash;.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Voice</i>. No. We are two four eight nought
+        six seven. Good morning!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Have you finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>angrily</i>). I have not begun! You
+        have put me on the wrong number!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i> (<i>calmly</i>). What number do you
+        want?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>angrily</i>). One four two nought
+        eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Two four two nought eight six?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>with suppressed rage</i>). No,
+        <i>one</i> four two nought eight six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Very well. One four two nought eight
+        six.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Yes, and don't make a mistake.</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>[<i>Long pause, during which he asks</i>, "<i>Are
+            you there?</i>" <i>at intervals.</i></p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. What is it?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> Are you Arctic Wine Company?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. Yes, all right! What is it?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>joyfully</i>). Have you sent a case
+        of champagne to BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. What? I can't hear you.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. (<i>interposing</i>). Have you
+        finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> No, we are still speaking. Have you
+        sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fourth Voice</i>. We can't hear you. Send a
+        messenger.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Voice</i>. Have you finished?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Imp. Sub.</i> (<i>shouting</i>). Yes! (<i>Is cut
+        off.</i>) Shorter to have done so at once!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Uses intemperate language, and hurries off to get a
+        Messenger. Curtain.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE CHURLISH CABMAN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>AIR&mdash;"<i>Ballyhooley</i>."</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:21%;">
+        <a href="images/157-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157-3.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Cabman's thrifty fares,</p>
+
+            <p>Who would seek suburban airs,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Desire, of course, a more extended
+            "radius;"</p>
+
+            <p>But, Cabby, it is clear,</p>
+
+            <p>Thinks quite otherwise. I fear</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The controversy's growing rather
+            "taydious."</p>
+
+            <p>Whether by night or day,</p>
+
+            <p>A fair fare the fare should pay,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Cabby should not overcharge
+            unduly;</p>
+
+            <p>But <i>this</i> is what riles <i>me</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>When churl Cabby <i>will</i> not see</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A would-be fare, but just ignores him
+            coolly.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <center>
+                <i>Chorus</i>.
+            </center>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"<i>Hi! hi! Cab! Hi</i>!" Oh, no!</p>
+
+            <p>On the sullen brute will go;</p>
+
+            <p>When he <i>wants</i> a fare, he's clamorous and
+            unruly;</p>
+
+            <p>But if he wants a <i>drink</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>With a sneer or with a wink,</p>
+
+            <p>He'll rumble on and just ignore you coolly.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158"
+       id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/158.png"
+             alt="DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH
+        LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page159"
+       id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/159.png"
+             alt="RATHER SMART ALL ROUND." /></a>
+
+        <h3>RATHER SMART ALL ROUND.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Di.</i> (<i>who has been trying a Horse with a
+        view to purchase</i>). "AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HE'S
+        QUITE UP TO MY WEIGHT, MR. SPAVIN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Spavin.</i> "LOR! MY LADY, HE'D CARRY TWO OF
+        YOU!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Di.</i> "WHAT? DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT I'M ONLY
+        HALF A HORSEWOMAN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Spavin.</i> "BY NO MEANS, MY LADY. BUT ANOTHER LIKE
+        YOUR LADYSHIP WOULD LOOK SO WELL ON THE OTHER SIDE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HOW TO REPORT THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Newest Style.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>Scarcely had the tintinabulum fixed on the altitude of the
+    clock tower of the ecclesiastical building known to fame and
+    rowing men as Putney Church sounded out the merry chimes of
+    eleven in the forenoon, when the wielders of the sky-blue (or
+    dark-blue) blades were observed by the eager frequenters of the
+    tow-path carrying their trim-built ship to the water's edge.
+    Not many moments were cut to waste before each man had safely
+    ensconced himself on the thwart built for him under the
+    experienced eyes of the champion boat-builder. The men looked,
+    it must in all fairness be admitted, in the high level of
+    condition. In each eye there blazed a stern determination to do
+    or die on every possible occasion. When the signal to start was
+    given, the boat was observed to move with the bounding speed of
+    a highly-trained greyhound. The oars dipped into the water like
+    one man, though a marked inclination was observed on the part
+    of two or three of the oarsmen to "hurry," while the rest
+    seemed equally disposed to be "late." A few fatherly words from
+    the prince of modern coaches soon had the desired effect of
+    placing matters on a more completely satisfactory footing. The
+    suggestion often made in these columns that a swifter rate of
+    striking should be introduced, was acted upon. The boat moved
+    with perfect evenness, while the wavelets played round her like
+    young dolphins out for a holiday.</p>
+
+    <p>I need only add that our old friend Jupiter Pluvius proved
+    once again to be a kind friend to those who tempted the dangers
+    of the foaming tide in Putney Reach. In conclusion, it must be
+    observed that the stroke was sometimes "short" and occasionally
+    "long," but the "slides" moved like things of life, and
+    contributed greatly to the pleasure of a very enjoyable
+    outing.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>DESTROYING THE SPIDER'S WEB;</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>Or, The Thirteenth Labour of Herschelles.</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"To Lion-Hearted Hercules," the strong,</p>
+
+            <p>Sounded the clarion of Homeric song.</p>
+
+            <p>"Alcides, forcefullest of all the brood</p>
+
+            <p>Of men enforced with need of earthly food."</p>
+
+            <p><i>Punch</i> will sing gallant Herschelles, than
+            whom</p>
+
+            <p>Who was more worthy of Alcmene's womb</p>
+
+            <p>Or Jovian parentage? Behold him stand</p>
+
+            <p>With lion-hide on loins, and club in hand!</p>
+
+            <p>Forceful and formidable to all foes,</p>
+
+            <p>But fatal most especially to those</p>
+
+            <p>Of Hydra presence and Stymphalian beak,</p>
+
+            <p>Whose quarry is unseasoned youth, who seek</p>
+
+            <p>By subtle snares the Infant's steps to trip,</p>
+
+            <p>And catch the Minor in their harpy grip.</p>
+
+            <p>To his Twelve Labours, against monsters grim,</p>
+
+            <p>Who might have lived in safety but for him,</p>
+
+            <p>To snare, to slay, to humbug, and to cozen,</p>
+
+            <p>Herschelles, just to make a baker's dozen,</p>
+
+            <p>Adds a Thirteenth!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A wily, wicked wight,</p>
+
+            <p>Dwelling in noxious nooks as dark as night,</p>
+
+            <p>Beyond the radius of the housemaid's broom,</p>
+
+            <p>And thence dispensing dire disgrace and doom</p>
+
+            <p>Long time our homes hath haunted. Greedy Ghoul,</p>
+
+            <p>As furtive of advance as fierce of soul,</p>
+
+            <p>The Money-lending Spider is his name,</p>
+
+            <p>And grim and gruesome was his little game.</p>
+
+            <p>Of swollen body, of protuberant beak,</p>
+
+            <p>He knew that Youths were green, and Infants
+            weak,</p>
+
+            <p>And spun his web, invisible but strong,</p>
+
+            <p>Where'er GRAY's well-named "little triflers"
+            throng,</p>
+
+            <p>Who, verily unmindful of their doom,</p>
+
+            <p>He watched from forth his grubby haunts of
+            gloom,</p>
+
+            <p>And strove by sinister device to lure,</p>
+
+            <p>Till, 'midst his viscous mazes once secure,</p>
+
+            <p>Them he might seize and suck.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">The Birds, the Boar,</p>
+
+            <p>The Lion, or the Bull, all whom before</p>
+
+            <p>Great Herschelles had tackled, were not worse</p>
+
+            <p>Than the Colossal Spider, Albion's curse,</p>
+
+            <p>The scourge of childish Wealth and youthful
+            Rank,</p>
+
+            <p>The Moloch of our Minors! Fathers, thank</p>
+
+            <p>Our new Alcides, who, with legal club,</p>
+
+            <p>Could dare the web assault, the Spider drub!</p>
+
+            <p>Worse than Tarantula venom hath the bite</p>
+
+            <p>Of this Conkiferous Ogre, which to fight</p>
+
+            <p>Herschelles did adventure! Thump! Bang! Whack!</p>
+
+            <p>The web is burst, the Spider's on his back,</p>
+
+            <p>All impotently spluttering poisonous spleen</p>
+
+            <p>Let's hope such monster may no more be seen.</p>
+
+            <p>And let us hail great Herschelles, whose skill</p>
+
+            <p>The high-nosed horror hath availed to kill.</p>
+
+            <p>Blow, Infants, blow the pipe, and thump the
+            tabor,</p>
+
+            <p>In honour of the hero's Thirteenth Labour!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160"
+       id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+    <h2>CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2>
+
+    <h3>VII.&mdash;THE DUFFER WITH A SALMON-ROD.</h3>
+
+    <p>No pursuit is more sedentary, if one may talk of a sedentary
+    pursuit, and none more to my taste, than trout-fishing as
+    practised in the South of England. Given fine weather, and a
+    good novel, nothing can he more soothing than to sit on a
+    convenient stump, under a willow, and watch the placid kine
+    standing in the water, while the brook murmurs on, and perhaps
+    the kingfisher flits to and fro. Here you sit and fleet the
+    time carelessly, till a trout rises. Then, indeed, duty demands
+    that you shall crawl in the manner of the serpent till you come
+    within reach of him, and cast a fly, which usually makes him
+    postpone his dinner-hour. But he will come on again, there is
+    no need for you to change your position, and you can always
+    fill your basket easily&mdash;with irises and
+    marsh-marigolds.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160.png"
+             alt="'I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe with the rod.'" />
+        </a>"I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe
+        with the rod."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Such are our county contents, but woe befall the day when I
+    took to salmon-fishing. The outfit is expensive, "half-crown
+    flees" soon mount up, especially if you never go out without
+    losing your fly-book. If you buy a light rod, say of fourteen
+    feet, the chances are that it will not cover the water, and a
+    longer rod requires in the fisherman the strength of a SANDOW.
+    You need wading-breeches, which come up nearly to the neck, and
+    weigh a couple of stone. The question has been raised, can one
+    swim in them, in case of an accident? For <i>one</i>, I can
+    answer, he can't. The reel is about the size of a butter-keg,
+    the line measures hundreds of yards, and the place where you
+    fish for salmon is usually at the utter ends of the earth. Some
+    enthusiasts begin in February. Covered with furs, they sit in
+    the stern of a boat, and are pulled in a funereal manner up and
+    down Loch Tay, while the rods fish for themselves. The angler's
+    only business is to pick them up if a salmon bites, and when
+    this has gone on for a few days, with no bite, Influenza, or a
+    hard frost with curling, would be rather a relief. This kind of
+    thing is not really angling, and a Duffer is as good at it as
+    an expert.</p>
+
+    <p>Real difficulties and sufferings begin when you reach the
+    Cruach-na-spiel-bo, which sounds like Gaelic, and will serve us
+    as a name for the river. It is, of course, extremely probable
+    that you pay a large rent for the right to gaze at a series of
+    red and raging floods, or at a pale and attenuated trickle of
+    water, murmuring peevishly through a drought. But suppose, for
+    the sake of argument, that the water is "in order," and only
+    running with deep brown swirls at some thirty miles an hour.
+    Suppose also, a large presumption, that the Duffer does not
+    leave any indispensable part of his equipment at home. He
+    arrives at the stream, and as he detests a gillie, whose
+    contempt for the Duffer breeds familiarity, he puts up his rod,
+    selects a casting line, knots on the kind of fly which is
+    locally recommended, and steps into the water. Oh, how cold it
+    is! I begin casting at the top of the stream, and step from a
+    big boulder into a hole. Stagger, stumble, violent bob
+    forwards, recovery, trip up, and here one is in a sitting
+    position in the bed of the stream. However, the high
+    india-rubber breeks have kept the water out, except about a
+    pailful, which gradually illustrates the equilibrium of fluids
+    in the soles of one's stockings. However, I am on my feet
+    again, and walking more gingerly, though to the spectator, my
+    movements suggest partial intoxication. That is because the bed
+    of the stream is full of boulders, which one cannot see, owing
+    to the darkness of the water. There was a fish rose near the
+    opposite side. My heart is in my mouth. I wade in as far as I
+    can, and make a tremendous swipe with the rod. A frantic tug
+    behind, crash, there goes the top of the rod! I am caught up in
+    the root of a pine-tree, high up on the bank at my back. No use
+    in the language of imprecation. I waddle out, climb the bank,
+    extricate the fly, get out a spare top, and to work again, more
+    cautiously. Something wrong, the hook has caught in my coat,
+    between my shoulders. I must get the coat off somehow, not an
+    easy thing to do, on account of my india-rubber armour. It is
+    off at last. I cut the hook out with a knife making a big hole
+    in the coat, and cast again. That was over him! I let the fly
+    float down, working it scientifically. No response. Perhaps
+    better look at the fly. Just my luck, I have cracked it
+    off!</p>
+
+    <p>Where is the fly-book? Where indeed? A feverish search for
+    the fly-book follows&mdash;no use: it is not in the basket, it
+    is not in my pocket; must have fallen out when I fell into the
+    river. No good in looking for it, the water is too thick, I
+    <i>thought</i> I heard a splash. Luckily there are some flies
+    in my cap, it looks knowing to have some flies in one's cap,
+    and it is not so easy to lose a cap, without noticing it, as to
+    lose most things. Here is a big Silver Doctor that may do as
+    the water is thick. I put one on, and begin again casting over
+    where that fish rose. By George, there he came at me, at least
+    I think it must have been at me, a great dark swirl, "the
+    purple wave bowed over it like a hill," but he never touched
+    me. Give him five minutes law, the hook is sure to be well
+    fastened on, need not bother looking at that again. Five
+    minutes take a long time in passing, when you are giving a
+    salmon a rest. Good times and bad times and all times pass, so
+    here goes. It is correct to begin a good way above him and come
+    down to him. I'm past him; no, there is a long heavy drag under
+    water, I get the point up, he is off like a shot, while I stand
+    in a rather stupid attitude, holding on. If I cannot get out
+    and run down the bank, he has me at his mercy. I do stagger
+    out, somehow, falling on my back, but keeping the point up with
+    my right hand. No bones broken, but surely he is gone! I begin
+    reeling up the line, with a heavy heart, and try to lift it out
+    of the water. It won't come, he is here still, he has only
+    doubled back. Hooray! Nothing so nice as being all alone when
+    you hook a salmon. No gillie to scream out contradictory
+    orders. He is taking it very easy, but suddenly he moves out a
+    few yards, and begins jiggering, that is, giving a series of
+    short heavy tugs. They say he is never well hooked, when he
+    jiggers. The rod thrills unpleasantly in my hands, I wish he
+    wouldn't do that. It is very disagreeable and makes me very
+    nervous. Hullo! he is off again up-stream, the reel ringing
+    like mad: he gets into the thin water at the top, and jumps
+    high in the air. He is a monster. Hullo! what's that splash?
+    The reel has fallen off, it was always loose, and has got into
+    the water. How am I to act now? He is coming back like mad, and
+    all the line is loose, and I can't reel up. I begin pulling at
+    the line to bring up the reel, but the reel only lets the line
+    out, and now he is off again, down stream this time, and I
+    after him, and the line running out at both ends at once, and
+    now my legs get entangled in it, it is twisted all round me. He
+    runs again and jumps, the line comes back in my face, all
+    slack, something has given. It is the hook, it was not knotted
+    on firmly to start with. He flings himself out of the water
+    once more to be sure that he is free, and I sit down and gnaw
+    the reel. Had ever anybody such bad fortune, but it is just my
+    luck!</p>
+
+    <p>I go back to the place where the reel fell in, and by
+    pulling cautiously I extract it from the stream. It shan't come
+    off again; I tie it on with the leather lace of one of my
+    brogues. Then I reel up the slack, and put on another fly, out
+    of my cap, a Popham. Then I fish down the rest of the pool.
+    Near the edge, in the slower part of the water, there is a long
+    slow draw, before I can lift the point of the rod, a salmon
+    jumps high out of the water at me,&mdash;and is gone! I never
+    struck him, was too much taken aback at the moment; did not
+    expect him then. Thank goodness, the hook is not off this
+    time.</p>
+
+    <p>The next stream is very deep, strong and narrow; the best
+    chance is close in on my side. By Jove, here he is, he took
+    almost beside the rock. He sails leisurely out into the
+    strength of the stream, if he will come up, I can manage him,
+    but if he goes down, the water is very swift and broken, there
+    are big boulders, and then a sheer wall of rock difficult to
+    pass in cold blood, and then the Big Pool.
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161"
+       id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> He insists on going down, I
+       hold hard on him, and refuse line. But he leaps, and then,
+       well he <i>will</i> have it; down he rushes, I after him,
+       over the stones, scrambling along the rocky face; great
+       heavens! <i>the top joint of the rod is loose</i>; I did not
+       tie it on, thought it would hold well enough. But down it
+       runs, right down the line; it must be touching the fish. It
+       is; he does not like it, he jiggers like a mad thing, rushes
+       across the Big Pool, nearly on to the opposite bank. Why
+       won't the line run? The line is entangled in my boot-lace.
+       He is careering about; I feel that I am trembling like a
+       leaf. There, I knew it would happen; he is off with my last
+       casting-line, hook and all. A beauty he was, clear as silver
+       and fresh from the sea. Well, there is nothing for it but a
+       walk back to the house. I have lost one fly-book, two hooks,
+       a couple of casting-lines, three salmon, a top joint, and I
+       have torn a great hole in my coat. On changing my dress
+       before lunch, I find my fly-book in my breast pocket, where
+       I had not thought of looking for it somehow. Then the rain
+       comes, and there is not another fishing day in my fortnight.
+       Still, it decidedly was "one crowded hour of glorious life,"
+       while it lasted. The other men caught four or five salmon
+       apiece; it is their Red Letter Day. It is marked in black in
+       my calendar.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TOOTING.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["It is a noteworthy fact that while debates have been
+        languishing at Westminster, at Tooting there have been
+        Members enough to 'make a House' any day during the past
+        fortnight, so keen an interest is the 'Royal and Ancient'
+        game exciting."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What's the use of hooting.</p>
+
+            <p>Or cir-cum-lo-cuting?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">M.P.'s off</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">To play at Golf.</p>
+
+            <p>All the way to Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Petty points PAT's mooting!</p>
+
+            <p>Chances not computing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">M.P. slips,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">(Despite the Whips)</p>
+
+            <p>Off to Golf at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Landlords <i>may</i> be looting,</p>
+
+            <p>Tenants <i>may</i> be shooting;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Where's the fun</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">In <i>that</i>? Let's run</p>
+
+            <p>Off to Golf at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So M.P.'s are "scooting,"</p>
+
+            <p>On-the-gay-galoot-ing;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Cut the House</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">(It shows their <i>nous</i>)</p>
+
+            <p>For the Links at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There is joy in shooting,</p>
+
+            <p>Wine-ing or cherooting,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Dinners, Moors,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Weeds&mdash;<i>all</i> are bores,</p>
+
+            <p>Compared with Golf at Tooting!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-1.png"
+             alt="CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Tommy.</i> "I HAD <i>SUCH</i> A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT,
+        GRANDPAPA!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Admiral.</i> "TELL IT ME, TOMMY."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Tommy.</i> "OH NO! IT WOULD ONLY FRIGHTEN YOU AS IT
+        FRIGHTENED ME!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE."</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any
+        Lady or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable
+        HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can
+        at once secure above reward. Address, &amp;c."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing
+    this Advertisement in the <i>Times</i>, I was seized with a
+    wild desire to "at once secure above reward." Said I to myself,
+    "I have 'wealthy and influential friends.' There is my cousin's
+    uncle, who has, I believe, thirty thousand a-year, though I
+    never saw any part of it, or of him, for the matter of that;
+    and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose second husband is a
+    K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know where he lives."
+    So I sat and thought about it for a time with my eyes shut, and
+    then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined it must
+    be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was so
+    much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last,
+    edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and
+    asked him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned
+    a pitying eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled
+    the station, said, wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know,
+    cos they've all arst me. You'd better foller 'em."</p>
+
+    <p>This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and
+    struggled through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and
+    influential friends" until I reached the open street. By that
+    time I was exhausted, and, finding that the street was even
+    fuller than the station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw
+    that the reserve of gold at the Bank of England would not have
+    sufficed to pay each applicant the promised £50. In any case I
+    felt sure that by that time the whole of the money in the town
+    must have been used up. So, without hat or umbrella, and with
+    my coat as much divided up the back as up the front, I
+    returned&mdash;to consciousness, and went on reading the
+    newspaper.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"THE FORESTERS."</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All the greatest swells</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of the U.S.A.</p>
+
+            <p>Come to see a new,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fascinating play.</p>
+
+            <p>Verses by a Lord!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Music by a Knight!</p>
+
+            <p>Just the thing in which</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Democrats delight.</p>
+
+            <p>When the hearty praise</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bursts from Yankee lips,</p>
+
+            <p>"Pass and blush the news</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Over glowing ships;"</p>
+
+            <p>What are "glowing ships"?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That I've never guessed,</p>
+
+            <p>"Pass the happy news,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blush it thro' the West;"</p>
+
+            <p>This I simply quote</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From the poet's muse;</p>
+
+            <p>Hang me if I know</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">How you "blush the news"!</p>
+
+            <p>Anyhow, you do,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If the lines will scan,</p>
+
+            <p>"Till the red man dance,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Do you think he can?</p>
+
+            <p>"And the red man's babe</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Leap beyond the sea."</p>
+
+            <p>Active sort of child,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Surely, that must be!</p>
+
+            <p>"Blush from West to East,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blush from left to right,</p>
+
+            <p>"Till the West is East,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the black is white,</p>
+
+            <p>DALY is the man!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Daily is the play,</p>
+
+            <p>"Dailies" puff it up,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the kindest way.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MORE APPROPRIATE.&mdash;The Senate House, where the Degree
+    Examinations take place, might well be termed "The Spinning
+    House." It is there that unfortunate Candidates are "spun."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162"
+       id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/162.png"
+             alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Little Jones</i>. "YOU'LL GIVE ME A DANCE TO-MORROW
+        NIGHT, WON'T YOU, MRS. FOOTE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Foote</i> (<i>who is anxious to show her
+        matronly consideration for Unmarried Girls</i>). "WELL, I
+        CAN'T PROMISE, AND IF THE MEN RUN <i>SHORT</i>, YOU KNOW, I
+        SHAN'T DANCE AT ALL!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;</h2>
+
+    <h3>OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["Far from taking up and developing the new mode of
+        communication thus given into its hands, it (the Post
+        Office) could not forget its attitude of hostility to the
+        innovation, or conceive any larger policy than one of
+        repressing the telephone in order to make people stick to
+        the telegraph.... The result is that England lags far
+        behind all other civilised countries in the use of the
+        telephone."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <center>
+        AIR&mdash;"<i>Ulalume</i>."
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Cinderella</i>, you sit and look sober,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Cinderella</i>, you mope and look
+            queer&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You mope, and look dolefully queer;</p>
+
+            <p>As chill as JOHN MILLAIS' "<i>October</i>,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As you have done, this many a year.</p>
+
+            <p>It is hard on you; MOZART or AUBER</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Might fail your depression to
+            cheer&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Had you taken the draught named of Glauber,</p>
+
+            <p>You could scarce look duller, my dear</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        II.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our times, dear, are truly Titanic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Perfection seems Science's
+            goal&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dim, distant, dark Science's
+            goal&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>But we're still a bit given to panic.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Monopolies moodily roll&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Monopolies restlessly roll&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>That's why there's a movement volcanic</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That stirs us from pole unto
+            pole&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>A moaning that's vainly volcanic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the realms of the (Telegraph)
+            pole.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        III.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Deputations are serious and sober,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Officials look palsied and
+            sere&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They indulge in rhetoric small-beer</p>
+
+            <p>(Instead of sound sparkling October)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They're frightened about <i>you</i>, my
+            dear&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(You, at present in two senses,
+            dear!)</p>
+
+            <p>They would scan the far future, and probe her,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But can't&mdash;and it makes them feel
+            queer;</p>
+
+            <p>As you sit by the fire, looking sober,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You make <i>them</i> sit up and feel
+            queer.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        IV.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Your sisters, whose airs are unpleasant,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Regard you with arrogant scorn&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With arrogant, uneasy scorn&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>True, they have the pull, for the present,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But fear you, the fair youngest born.</p>
+
+            <p>They know that your glory is crescent,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And, though each uplifteth her horn,</p>
+
+            <p>Each feels that <i>her</i> glory's senescent,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In spite of their duplicate scorn.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        V.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Miss Telegraph</i>, lifting her finger,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Says&mdash;"Sadly this minx I
+            mistrust&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her manners I strangely
+            mistrust&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>She'll distance us, dear, if we linger!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ah, haste!&mdash;let us haste!&mdash;for
+            we must!</p>
+
+            <p>She'll eclipse us&mdash;that <i>would</i> be a
+            stinger!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She'll rise, and our business is
+            "bust"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>My dear, we must snub her, and bring her</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Presumptuous pride to the dust&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Till she sorrowfully sinks in the
+            dust."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        VI.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Post</i> replies&mdash;"Oh, it's nothing but
+            dreaming,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her hoping to put out <i>our</i>
+            light!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our brilliant and duplicate light!</p>
+
+            <p>What did FERGUSSON say, blandly beaming</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Upon the tired House t'other night?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He said <i>he</i> would make it all
+            right.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, we safely may trust to his scheming&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Be sure he will lead us aright&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>He won't let the damsel there dreaming</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Despoil us of what is our
+            right&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The monopoly plainly <i>our</i>
+            right!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        VII.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yet watch <i>Cinderella</i>, and list her!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She yet will emerge from her
+            gloom&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Time will conquer her fears and her
+            gloom.</p>
+
+            <p>Before her she hath a bright
+            vista.<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The fairy Godmother will come!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Redtape shall not long seal her doom.</p>
+
+            <p>What is written is written! No "sister,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Though scorning her beauty, and
+            broom)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shall shroud her bright light in the
+            tomb</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which yet the whole land shall
+            illume!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        VIII.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>She's "some pumpkins"&mdash;though now she looks
+            sober&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She's brilliant; she is "no small
+            beer."</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No, no, <i>Cinderella</i>, my dear!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your envious "sisters" may jeer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And sit on you yet, for a year;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Redtape your advancement may fear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Monopoly's patrons look queer;</p>
+
+            <p>But, as sure as the month of October</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is famous for sound British beer,</p>
+
+            <p>Vested Interest time shall prove <i>no</i> bar</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To your final triumph, my dear!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>POE, not <i>Mr. Punch</i>, should have the credit of
+        this and certain other Cockney rhymes.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE."&mdash;"The competition for the
+    Evill Prize also took place yesterday" (<i>i.e.</i>, last
+    Thursday. <i>Vide Times</i>). The prize so Evilly named was won
+    by Mr. PHILIP BROZEL, of the Royal Academy of Music, who must
+    have expressed himself as being at least deucedly delighted,
+    even if he did not use some much stronger and wronger
+    expression. Henceforth PHILIP BROZEL has an Evill reputation.
+    Let us hope he will live up to it, and so live it down.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163"
+       id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/163.png"
+             alt="THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;" /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;</h3>OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165"
+       id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span>
+
+    <h2>MATINÉE MANIA.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Sketch at any Theatre on most afternoons.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>The Front of the House. In the Boxes and
+        Dress-circle are friends and relations of the</i> Author.
+        <i>In the Stalls are a couple of Stray Critics who leave
+        early, actors and actresses "resting" more friends and
+        relations. In the Pit, the front row is filled by the</i>
+        Author's <i>domestic servants, the landladies of several of
+        the performers, and a theatrical charwoman or two, behind
+        them a sprinkling of the general public, whose time
+        apparently hangs heavily on their hands. In a Stage-box is
+        the</i> Author <i>herself, with a sycophantic</i>
+        Companion. <i>A murky gloom pervades the Auditorium; a
+        scratch orchestra is playing a lame and tuneless
+        Schottische for the second time, to compensate for a little
+        delay of fifteen minutes between the first and second
+        Tableaux in the Second Act. The orchestra ceases, and a
+        Checktaker at the Pit door whistles "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!"
+        Some restless spirits stamp feebly.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/165.png"
+             alt="'Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few words.'" />
+        </a>"Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few
+        words."
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The Author.</i> I wish they would be a <i>little</i>
+        quicker. I've a good mind to go behind myself and hurry
+        them up. The audience are beginning to get impatient.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Companion.</i> But that shows how
+        <i>interested</i> they are, <i>doesn't</i> it, dear?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> I think it <i>ought</i> to interest them,
+        but I <i>did</i> expect they would have shown a little more
+        enthusiasm over that situation in the last
+        <i>tableau</i>&mdash;they're rather a <i>cold</i>
+        audience!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> It's above their heads, dear, that's where
+        it is&mdash;plays are such rubbish nowadays, people don't
+        appreciate a really <i>great</i> drama just at first. I do
+        hope Mr. IRVING, Mr. HARE and Mr. BEERBOHM TREE will come
+        in&mdash;I'm sure they'll be only too <i>anxious</i> to
+        secure it!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> I don't know that I should care for it to
+        come out at the Lyceum, but of course if the terms were
+        very&mdash;oh, they're beginning at last! I hope this light
+        comedy scene will go well. (<i>Curtain rises: Comic
+        dialogue&mdash;nothing whatever to do with the
+        plot&mdash;between a Footman and a Matinée Maidservant in
+        short sleeves, a lace tucker, and a diamond necklace;
+        depression of audience. Serious characters enter and tell
+        one another long and irrelevant stories, all about nothing.
+        When the auditor remarks,</i> "Your story is indeed a sad
+        one&mdash;but go on," <i>a shudder goes through the house,
+        which becomes a groan ten minutes later when the listener
+        says:</i> "You have told me <i>your</i> history&mdash;now
+        hear <i>mine</i>!" <i>He tells it; it proves, if possible,
+        duller and more irrelevant than the other man's. A
+        love-scene follows, characterised by all the sparkle and
+        brilliancy of "Temperance Champagne"; the House witnesses
+        the fall of the Curtain with apathy.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> That love-scene was perfectly
+        <i>ruined</i> by the acting! She <i>ought</i> to have
+        turned her head aside when he said, "Dash the teapot!" but
+        she never <i>did</i>, and he left out <i>all</i> that about
+        dreaming of her when he was ill with measles in
+        Mashonaland! I wish they wouldn't have such long waits,
+        though. We timed the piece at rehearsal, and, with the cuts
+        I made, it only played about four hours; but I'm afraid it
+        will take longer than that to-day.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> I don't care <i>how</i> long it
+        is&mdash;it's so <i>beautifully</i> written!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> Well, I put my whole <i>soul</i> into it,
+        you know; but it's not till this next Act that I show my
+        full power. [<i>Curtain rises on a drawing-room, furnished
+        with dingy wrecks from the property-room&mdash;the home
+        of</i> JASPER, the Villain, <i>who is about to give an
+        evening party. Enter a hooded crone.</i> "Sir JASPER, I
+        have a secret of importance, which can only be revealed to
+        your private ear!" (<i>Shivers of apprehension amongst the
+        audience.</i>) <i>Sir J.</i> "Certainly, go into yonder
+        apartment, and await me there." (<i>Sigh of relief from
+        spectators</i>.) <i>A Footman.</i> "Sir, the guests wait!"
+        <i>Sir J.</i> (<i>with lordly ease</i>). "Bid them enter!"
+        (<i>They troop in unannounced and sit down against the
+        wall, entertaining one another in dumb-show.</i>)
+        <i>Footman</i> (<i>re-entering</i>). "Sir, a
+        roughly-dressed stranger, who says he knew you in Norway,
+        under an <i>alias</i>, requests a few words." <i>Sir J.</i>
+        "Confusion!&mdash;one of my former accomplices in
+        crime&mdash;my guests must not be present at this
+        interview!" (<i>To Guests.</i>) "Ladies and Gentlemen, will
+        you step into the adjoining room for a few minutes, and
+        examine my collection of war-weapons?" (<i>Guests retire,
+        with amiable anticipations of enjoyment. The Stranger
+        enters, and tells another long story.</i>) "I smile still,"
+        he concludes&mdash;"but even a <i>dead</i> man's skull will
+        smile. Allow me then the privileges of death!" (<i>At this
+        an irreverent Pittite suddenly guffaws, and the Audience
+        from that moment perceives that the piece possesses a
+        humorous side. The Stranger goes; the Guests return.
+        Re-enter Footman</i>). "Sir, an elderly man, who was
+        acquainted with your family years ago, insists on seeing
+        you, and will take no denial!" <i>Villain</i> (<i>with
+        presence of mind&mdash;to Guests.</i>) "Ladies and
+        Gentlemen, will you step into the neighbouring apartment,
+        and join the dancers?" (<i>The Guests obey. The</i> Elderly
+        Man <i>enters, and denounces</i> JASPER, <i>who
+        mendaciously declares that he is his own second cousin</i>
+        JOSEPH; <i>whereupon the visitor turns down his
+        coat-collar, and takes off a false beard.</i>) "Do you know
+        me now, JASPER SHOPPUN?" he cries. "<i>I</i> am
+        JOSEPH&mdash;your second cousin!"... "What, ho, Sir
+        Insolence!" the Villain retorts. "And so you come to
+        deliver me to Justice?"... "Not so," says JOSEPH. "Long
+        years ago I swore to my dying Aunt to protect your
+        reputation, even at the expense of my own. I come to warn
+        you that"&mdash;&amp;c., &amp;c. (<i>The Audience, who are
+        now in excellent spirits, receive every incident with
+        uncontrollable merriment till the end of the Act. Another
+        long wait, enlivened by a piccolo solo.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> LAVINIA, it's <i>too</i>
+        disgraceful&mdash;it's a deliberate conspiracy to turn the
+        piece into ridicule. I never thought my <i>own
+        relations</i> would turn against me&mdash;and yet I might
+        have known!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> It wasn't the <i>play</i> they laughed at,
+        dear&mdash;that's lovely&mdash;but it's so ridiculously
+        <i>acted</i>, you know!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> Of course the acting <i>is</i>
+        abominable&mdash;but they might make allowances for
+        <i>that</i>. It <i>is</i> so unfair! [<i>The Play proceeds.
+        The Heroine's jealousy has been excited by the Villain, for
+        vague purposes of his own, and the Hero is trying to disarm
+        her suspicions.</i> <i>She.</i> "But why are you constantly
+        going from Paris to London at the beck and call of that
+        man?" <i>He</i> (<i>aside</i>). "If she only knew that I do
+        it to shield my second cousin, JASPER&mdash;but my
+        oath!&mdash;I cannot tell her! (<i>To her.</i>) The reason
+        is very simple, darling&mdash;he is my Private Secretary!"
+        (<i>Roars of inextinguishable laughter, drowning the Wife's
+        expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence. The
+        Hero wants to go out; the Wife begs him to stay; she has 'a
+        presentiment of evil&mdash;a dread of something unseen,
+        unknown.' He goes: the Villain enters in evening
+        dress.</i>) <i>Villain.</i> "Your husband is false to you.
+        Meet me in half an hour at the lonely hut by the
+        cross-roads, and you shall have proof of his guilt."
+        (<i>The Wife departs at once, just as she is. Villain,
+        soliloquising.</i>) "So&mdash;my diabolical schemes
+        prosper. I have got JOSEPH out of the way by stratagem,
+        decoyed his wife&mdash;my early love&mdash;to a lonely hut,
+        where my minions wait to seize her. Now to abduct the
+        child, destroy the certificate of vaccination which alone
+        stands between me and a Peerage, set fire to the home of my
+        ancestors, accuse JOSEPH of all my crimes, and take my seat
+        in the House of Lords as the Earl of Addelegg!
+        Ha-ha&mdash;a good night's work! a good&mdash;"
+        <i>Joseph</i> (<i>from back</i>). "Not so. I have heard
+        all. I will <i>not</i> have it. You <i>shall</i> not!"
+        (<i>&amp;c., &amp;c.</i>) <i>Villain.</i> "You would thwart
+        my schemes?" <i>Joseph</i> (<i>firmly</i>). "I would. My
+        wife and child shall <i>not</i>&mdash;" (<i>&amp;c.,
+        &amp;c.</i>) <i>Villain</i> (<i>slowly</i>). "And the oath
+        you swore to my Mother, your dying Aunt, would you break
+        that?" <i>Joseph</i> (<i>overcome</i>). "My oath! my Aunt!
+        Ah, no, I cannot, I <i>must</i> not break it. JASPER
+        <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166"
+           id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> SHOPPUN, I am
+           powerless&mdash;you must do your evil will!" (<i>He
+           sinks on a settee: Triumph of Villain, tableau, and
+           Curtain.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> I wouldn't have <i>believed</i> that a
+        modern audience would treat heroic conduct like that as if
+        it was <i>laughable</i>. It's enough to make one give up
+        play-writing altogether!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Comp.</i> Oh, I wouldn't do <i>that</i>, dear. You
+        mustn't punish Posterity! [<i>The Play goes on and on; the
+        Villain removes inconveniently repentant tools, and saddles
+        the Hero with his nefarious deeds. The Hero is arrested,
+        but reappears, at liberty, in the next Act (about the
+        Ninth), and no reference whatever is made to the past. Old
+        serious characters turn up again, and are welcomed with
+        uproarious delight. At the end of a conversation, lasting a
+        quarter of an hour, the Lady's-maid remarks that "her
+        Mistress has been very ill, and must not talk too much."
+        Cheers from Audience. General joy when the Villain returns
+        a hopeless maniac. Curtain about six, and loud calls for
+        Author.</i>)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Author.</i> Nothing will <i>induce</i> me to take a
+        call after the shameful way they've behaved! And it's all
+        the fault of the acting. When we get home, I'll read the
+        play all through to you again, and you'll see now it
+        <i>ought</i> to have been done! A hundred and twenty pounds
+        simply thrown away!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Retires, consoled by her</i> Companion, <i>and the
+        consciousness that true genius is invariably
+        unappreciated.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 21.</i>&mdash;Uneasy
+    feeling spread through House to-night consequent on question
+    addressed by MACINNES to UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS.
+    Wants to know "whether his attention has been called to the
+    increase of drinking among Natives in the Coast Towns?" CAUSTON
+    particularly depressed.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:16%;">
+        <a href="images/166-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166-1.png"
+             alt="'Sir, I am not&mdash;'" /></a>"Sir, I am
+             not&mdash;"
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/166-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166-3.png"
+             alt="'&mdash;an Agricultural Labourer.'" />
+             </a>"&mdash;an Agricultural Labourer."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"I sat for Colchester for five years, you know," he said,
+    "and grew into habit of regarding the Natives as my
+    constituents. For five years never swallowed one without
+    thinking I was reducing the number on the Register. Used to
+    excuse myself on the ground that the particular bivalve that
+    had disappeared must have been a Conservative, or it would
+    never have been so stupid as to leave its comfortable bed to
+    embark on such a journey. My interest in the oyster is now
+    secondary. They don't flourish in Southwark; whelks more in our
+    way down there. Still one cannot forget old associations, and
+    confess I'm rather knocked over to hear this report MACINNES
+    has brought up. Can't imagine anything more distressing than
+    the spectacle of a drunken oyster&mdash;probably with
+    dishevelled beard&mdash;coming home late at night and trying to
+    get into another Native's shell under impression that he has
+    recognised his own front door. Must see WILFRID LAWSON about
+    this; get up an Oyster Temperance Society; framed certificates,
+    blue ribbon, and all that, if the thing spreads, we shall have
+    oysters emitting quite a rum-punch flavour when we add the
+    lemon."</p>
+
+    <p>Gloom dissipated two hours later by appearance of BOBBY
+    SPENCER at the Table. BOBBY doesn't often witch the House with
+    oratory. Content with important though to outsiders obscure
+    position he occupies in Party administration. His is the hand
+    that pulls the strings to which Liberal Party dance.
+    SCHNADHORST gets some credit, but everybody knows BOBBY's the
+    man. To see these two political strategists in conference is
+    sufficient to reassure the Liberal Party on the possible issues
+    of the General Election.</p>
+
+    <p>SCHNADHORST complains that BOBBY has a trick, after
+    addressing him through the ear-trumpet he (S.) carries in
+    reminiscence of JOSHUA REYNOLDS, of putting his ear to the
+    trumpet as if he expected the answer to arrive through that
+    medium.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/166-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166-2.png"
+             alt="MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON 'THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT.'" />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON "THE HUMOURS OF
+        PARLIAMENT."</h3>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Very embarrassing." SCHNADHORST says, "to have a fellow
+    first putting his mouth and then his ear to other end of your
+    trumpet. Sometimes I say to him, sharply, '<i>I</i> don't speak
+    through the trumpet.' 'Oh, no, of course not,' he says, 'I beg
+    your pardon,' and draws away. Presently he's back again,
+    politely, as I speak, applying his ear to the trumpet. But it's
+    only the absence of mind that arises from preoccupation in
+    matters of State."</p>
+
+    <p>BOBBY, besides being the political director of the strategy
+    of the Liberal Party, is a County Member. It was in this last
+    capacity he appeared at Table to-night in Debate on Second
+    Reading of Small Holdings Bill. House received him with hearty
+    cheer. No one more popular than BOBBY. Delight uproariously
+    manifested when, daintily pulling at his abundant shirt-cuff,
+    and settling his fair young head more comfortably upon summit
+    of his monumental collar, he deprecatingly observed&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer."</p>
+
+    <p>The speech a model of Parliamentary debating, full of point,
+    resting on sound argument, lucidly stated, and all over in five
+    minutes. <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Debate on Small Holdings
+    Bill.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;Morning Sitting. SEXTON at length
+    worked off the speech on Irish Education Bill, that has hung
+    over House like cloud since Bill was introduced in earliest
+    days of Session. Wasn't in his place the first night; so
+    friends and colleagues wore out the sitting to preserve his
+    opportunity. When this next presented itself, SEXTON thought
+    the hour and condition of House unsuitable for person of his
+    consequence; declined to speak. To-day, his last chance, things
+    worse than ever. Benches empty, as usual at Morning Sitting.
+    But now or never, and at least there would be long report in
+    Irish papers. So went at it by the hour. Finished at a quarter
+    to five. At Morning Sitting, debate automatically suspended at
+    ten minutes to seven; two hours and five minutes for everyone
+    else to speak. SINCLAIR long waiting chance to thrust in his
+    nose. Found it at last; but House wearied and worn out; glad
+    when seven o'clock approached, and Bill read First
+    Time.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page167"
+       id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/167.png"
+             alt="THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE&mdash;(VIDE THE OPPOSITION PRESS.)" />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE&mdash;(VIDE THE OPPOSITION
+        PRESS.)</h3>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page168"
+       id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span>
+
+    <p>At Evening Sitting, Lawyers had it all to themselves.
+    ROBERTSON opened Debate on Law of Conspiracy in admirable
+    speech. Later came LOCKWOOD, speaking disrespectfully of "B."
+    Then SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, girding at SOLICITOR-GENERAL; MATTHEWS
+    followed, with plump assertion that Squire had not been talking
+    about the Resolution. Finally CHARLES RUSSELL, with
+    demonstration that "the Right Hon. Gentleman (meaning MATTHEWS)
+    had displayed a complete misconception of the character and
+    objects of the Resolution." Being thus demonstrated upon
+    unimpeachable authority that nobody knew anything about the
+    Resolution, House proceeded to vote upon it. For, 180; against,
+    226. Ministerialists cheered; Opposition apparently equally
+    delighted. So home I to bed, everyone determined first thing in
+    morning get hold of newspaper, and see what the Resolution
+    really was about. <i>Business
+    done</i>.&mdash;Miscellaneous.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;"I wonder," said SAGE OF QUEEN
+    ANNE'S GATE, curiously regarding CHAMBERLAIN discoursing on the
+    Eight Hours Bill, "whom JOE meant by his reference at
+    Birmingham on Saturday night to 'the funny man of the House of
+    Commons,'&mdash;'A man who has a natural taste for buffoonery,
+    which he has cultivated with great art, who has a hatred of
+    every Government and all kinds of restraint, and especially, of
+    course, of the Government that happens to be in office.'
+    Couldn't be HENEAGE, and I don't suppose he had JESSE in his
+    mind at the moment. Pity a man can't make his points clearly.
+    JOE used to be lucid enough. But he's falling off now in that
+    as in other matters. Made me rub my eyes when I read his
+    remarks about House of Lords, and remembered what he used to
+    say on subject when he and I ran together. Certainly JOE is a
+    man of courage. There are topics he might, with memory of past
+    speeches, easily avoid or circumnavigate. But he goes straight
+    at 'em, whether fence or ditch, takes them at a stride
+    regardless of his former self, splashed with mud in the jump,
+    or smitten with the horse's hoof. Makes me quite sentimental
+    when I sit and listen to him, and recall days that are no more.
+    <i>Mrs. Gummidge</i> thinking of the Old 'Un is nothing to me
+    thinking of the Young 'Un who came up from Birmingham in 1876,
+    and who from '80 to '85 walked hand in hand with me.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We were patriots together.&mdash;Ah! placeman and
+            peer</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are the patrons who smile on your labours
+            to-day;</p>
+
+            <p>And Lords of the Treasury lustily cheer</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whatever you do and whatever you say.</p>
+
+            <p>Go, pocket, my JOSEPH, as much as you will,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The times are quite altered we very well
+            know;</p>
+
+            <p>But will you not, will you not, talk to us
+            still,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As you talked to us once long ago, long
+            ago?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We were patriots together!&mdash;I know you will
+            think</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of the cobbler's caresses, the
+            coalheaver's cries,</p>
+
+            <p>Of the stones that we throw, and the toasts that we
+            drink</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of our pamphlets and pledges, our libels
+            and lies!</p>
+
+            <p>When the truth shall awake, and the country and
+            town</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Be heartily weary of BALFOUR &amp;
+            CO.,</p>
+
+            <p>My JOSEPH, hark back to the Radical frown,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Let us be what we were, long ago, long
+            ago!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Bless me," I cried, "how beautiful! I didn't know that,
+    among your many accomplishments, you were given to dropping
+    into poetry."</p>
+
+    <p>"Tut, tut!" said the SAGE, blushing, "it isn't all my own;
+    written years ago by MACKWORTH PRAED, about JOHN CAM HOBHOUSE.
+    I've only brought it up to date."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Eight Hours' Bill thrown out on
+    a Division.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Private O'GRADY, of the Welsh
+    Fusiliers, the hero of the hour. His annals short and simple.
+    Got up early in the morning of St. Patrick's Day; provided
+    himself with handful of shamrock, which he stuck in his
+    glengarry. (<i>Note</i>.&mdash;O'GRADY, an Irishman, belongs to
+    a Welsh Regiment, and, to complete the pickle, wears a Scotch
+    cap.) The ignorant Saxon officer in command observing the
+    patriot muster with what he, all unconscious of St. Patrick's
+    Day, thought was "a handful of greens" in his cap, instructed
+    the non-commissioned officer to order him to take it out.</p>
+
+    <p>"I won't do't," said gallant Private O'GRADY, the hot Celtic
+    blood swiftly brought to boiling pitch by this insult to St.
+    Patrick. Irish Members vociferously cheered when STANHOPE read
+    the passage from Colonel's report. Another non-commissioned
+    officer advancing from the rear, repeated order.</p>
+
+    <p>"I won't do't!" roared the implacable Private O'GRADY.</p>
+
+    <p>Once more the Irish Members burst into cheering, whilst a
+    soldier in uniform in Strangers' Gallery looked on and
+    listened. Would like to hear his account of scene confided to
+    comrades in privacy of barrack-room.</p>
+
+    <p>When STANHOPE finished reading report of officer commanding
+    battalion, Irish Members leaped to their feet in body, each
+    anxious to stand shoulder to shoulder with Private O'GRADY
+    defying the Saxon. NOLAN, who had set ball rolling, might have
+    got in first, but was so excited as to be momentarily
+    speechless; could only paw at the air in direction of Treasury
+    Bench where STANHOPE sat, PAT O'BRIEN, ARTHUR O'CONNOR, the
+    wily WEBB, and the flaccid FLYNN, all shouting together. But
+    SEXTON beat them all, and will duly figure in Parliamentary
+    Report as Vindicator of Nationality, Defender of St. Patrick,
+    and Patron of Private O'GRADY.</p>
+
+    <p>"There's nothing new about Ireland," said POLTALLOCH,
+    talking the matter over later in the Lobby. "'Tis the most
+    distressful country that ever yet was seen, Where they punish
+    T. O'GRADY For the wearing of the Green."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Small Holdings Bill read Second
+    Time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday Night</i>.&mdash;House behaved nobly to-night;
+    FENWICK brought forward Motion proposing payment of Members.
+    House arbiter of situation; might have voted itself anything a
+    year it pleased. Only say the word, and JOKIM would have been
+    bound to find the money. Members flocked down in large numbers:
+    CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, seated on Front Opposition Bench, declares
+    he could distinctly hear smacking of lips of Hon. Members below
+    Gangway when FENWICK observed he thought £365 a year would be
+    reasonable allowance. However insidious temptation may have
+    been, it was nobly resisted. Of nearly 400 Members who took
+    part in Division, only 162 reached out their hand for the
+    pittance, 227 lofty souls going into other Lobby.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Private Bill Procedure Bill
+    brought in.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:70%;">
+        <a href="images/168.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168.png"
+             alt="'SAFETY MATCHES' FOR LIFE." /></a>"'SAFETY
+             MATCHES' FOR LIFE.&mdash;The following notice has been
+             issued by the Salvation Army: 'Safety matches are now
+             made by the Social Wing without sulphur or phosphorus,
+             which will flame without striking. What do we mean?
+             Just this. That if you are unmarried, and do not know
+             where to chose a partner, you can communicate with
+             Colonel BARKER, Matrimonial Bureau, 101, Queen
+             Victoria Street, E.C., and he will most probably
+             supply you with just what you want&mdash;somebody
+             loveable and good.'"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>VERY ORCHID!</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The more I think about it, the more I am convinced
+        that the life of a Peer is not a happy one."&mdash;<i>Mr.
+        Chamberlain, before the Jewellers' and Silversmiths'
+        Association at Birmingham</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Orchid is a thoughtful plant&mdash;it loves the
+            lordly hot-house,</p>
+
+            <p>And naturally reprobates poor gilliflowers as
+            "pot-house;"</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis rich, exotic, somewhat miscellaneously
+            florid;</p>
+
+            <p>The rough herbaceous annuals it vulgar deems, and
+            horrid.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With all that's forced and precious it should
+            fraternise in reason,</p>
+
+            <p>With luscious fruits and rarest roots, and produce
+            out of season;</p>
+
+            <p>It may perhaps at primroses a condescending hand
+            point;</p>
+
+            <p>It might be friends with stocks&mdash;but from a
+            pure commercial standpoint.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And yet&mdash;it is a thoughtful plant&mdash;though
+            such a growth fastidious,</p>
+
+            <p>The proud but simple strawberry still seems to it
+            invidious;</p>
+
+            <p>Those ducal leaves that shine and twine around the
+            nation's garden,</p>
+
+            <p>It fancies more delectable than all the blooms of
+            Hawarden.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This orchid's bosom bleeds to feel that, while he
+            flaunts in colour,</p>
+
+            <p>The chaplet of the strawberry should duller pine and
+            duller,</p>
+
+            <p>That obsoleteness, though delayed, should still be
+            on the <i>tapis</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>That, pending its extinction, its existence isn't
+            happy.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O courtly leaves of strawberries, old England's
+            grace and glory,</p>
+
+            <p>Emblazoned o'er the castle-keeps that moulder nigh
+            and hoary,</p>
+
+            <p>What comfort for your drooping days, what balm in
+            dire dejection,</p>
+
+            <p>That yonder orchid spruce extends his shelter and
+            protection.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But, garland sere of Vere de Vere, wan ornaments of
+            Fable,</p>
+
+            <p>The orchid is a thoughtful plant, and likes a
+            gorgeous table;</p>
+
+            <p>And, should from out your coronals one berry bright
+            be shining,</p>
+
+            <p>His patronage may snap it up&mdash;to save it from
+            declining!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, April 2, 1892, by Various
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,1645 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+April 2, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, April 2, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 20, 2004 [EBook #14390]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+April 2, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+"'TIS MERRY IN HALL."
+
+[Illustration: "Knock'd 'em!"]
+
+"What's in an 'at without an 'ed?" DISTAFFINA DE COCKAIGNE was wont
+to inquire, and "what's an 'all" (of Music like the London Pavilion)
+"without a NED" in the shape of Mr. EDWARD SWANBOROUGH, the
+all-knowing yet ever-green Acting Manager at this place of
+entertainment, who possessing the secret of perpetual youth in all the
+glory of ever-resplendent hat and ever-dazzling shirt-front, ushers
+us into the Stalls in time to hear the best part of an excellent
+all-round show. It is sad to think that, probably as we were disputing
+with the cabman, the celebrated Miss BOOM-TE-RE-SA, alias LOTTIE
+COLLINS, Serio-Comic and Dancer, was "booming" and "teraying" before
+the eyes of a delighted audience. Strange that we should not yet
+have heard the great original. But as she is not (so to adapt a line
+from the "_Last Rose of Summer_") "left booming alone," we have
+not escaped hearing several of her male and female imitators who,
+by her kind permission and that of her publishers, trade on her
+present exceptional success. However, when we entered the Stalls,
+Miss BOOM-TE-RE-SA had disappeared, and somebody with a song had
+"intervened"--a mode of proceeding not necessarily limited to the
+Queen's Proctor--before the object of our visit walked on to the
+stage, and when he did come a pretty object he was too, seeing that
+it was Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, the unequalled and inimitable Comedian
+of the Costermongers. He is a thorough artist in this particular
+line, and no indifferent one in others; but his Coster ballads are
+artistically first rate. The fashion of calling English singers by
+Italian names is on the wane, otherwise Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, of
+French extraction, would find an excellent Italian alias, closely
+associated with the operatic and musical professions, and most
+appropriate to the line he has adopted, in the name of "SIGNOR COSTA."
+The melody of Mr. CHEVALIER's "_Coster's Serenade_," of which, I
+rather think, he is the composer as well as librettist, is as charming
+as it is strikingly original. After the _Chevalier sans peur et sans
+approche_ had retired, clever and sprightly Miss JENNY HILL gave as
+a taste of lodging-house-keeperism, following whom came the Two MACS
+belabouring each other in their old hopelessly idiotic, but always
+utterly irresistible style; and then Lieutenant W. COLE--King COLE
+we "crowned him long ago"--gave his ventriloquial entertainment, who,
+with his troop of talking dolls, should have his address at Dollis
+Hill. There were many "turns" yet to follow when we left, at a
+comparatively early hour; "and so," to quote old PEPYS, "home with
+much content."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO HAVE AND TO HOLD."
+
+  Big promises and Party scoldings
+  Won't cure "Small Savings" by "Small Holdings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MARVELS OF MODERN SCIENCE.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of Small Box containing telephone with book
+    of addresses. Enter hurriedly_ Impatient Subscriber.
+
+_Impatient Subscriber_ (_turning over leaves of address-book_).
+Of course I can't find it! Ah! here it is! 142086. (_Rings bell
+of telephone, and listens with receivers to his ear._) Now I have
+forgotten it! (_Puts back receivers on rests, and refers again to
+book. Telephone bell rings in answer. He hurries back and calls._)
+One hundred and forty-two nought eighty-six.
+
+_First Voice_ (_from telephone_). One hundred and forty-two?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and nought eighty-six.
+
+_First Voice_. Which do you want?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Why, both.
+
+_First Voice_. You can't. Must have one at a time.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ It's only one. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. One four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. Very well. Why didn't you give the number before?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). Well, I have given it now. (_He listens
+intently, exclaiming now and again_, "_Are you there_?" _and then
+rings_.) One four two nought eight six, please.
+
+_First Voice_ (_after a pause_). What!
+
+_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six, please.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_First Voice_ (_as if the number is now heard for the first time_).
+One four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. And look sharp!
+
+_First Voice_. What?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. I hear. One four two nought eight six. [_The
+communication is cut off for a couple of minutes._
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_for the sixth time_). Are you there?
+
+_Second Voice_. Yes. Who is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ I am BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
+
+_Second Voice_. RUSH, RUDDLE & CO.?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No. BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, no--we are still speaking. I want to know if you have
+sent that case of champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Second Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_speaking very slowly, as if dictating to imperfectly
+educated infants_). Have--you--sent--that--case--of--cham--pagne--to
+BUM--BLE--TON?
+
+_Second Voice_ (_puzzled_). Sent a case of champagne?
+
+_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Yes--have you sent a case of
+champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Second Voice_. Sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON? No; why should
+we?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Because you promised TICKLEBY you would.
+
+_Second Voice_ (_evidently perplexed_). Promised TICKLEBY?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of reproach_). Yes, promised TICKLEBY.
+
+_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking; please don't cut us off.
+(_Returning to the champagne subject_). Yes, you promised TICKLEBY you
+would send the case of champagne to BUMBLETON. (_With inspiration._)
+You are the Arctic Wine Company, aren't you?
+
+_Second Voice_. No. I am Secretary of the Curate's Papier Mache Church
+Company.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of sorrow_). Aren't you one four two nought
+eight six?
+
+_Third Voice_ (_coming from somewhere_). Mind and bring a gun with
+you, and--.
+
+_Second Voice_. No. We are two four eight nought six seven. Good
+morning!
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). I have not begun! You have put me on the
+wrong number!
+
+_First Voice_ (_calmly_). What number do you want?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). One four two nought eight six.
+
+_First Voice_. Two four two nought eight six?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_with suppressed rage_). No, _one_ four two nought eight
+six.
+
+_First Voice_. Very well. One four two nought eight six.
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and don't make a mistake.
+
+    [_Long pause, during which he asks_, "_Are you there?_" _at
+    intervals._
+
+_Fourth Voice_. What is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ Are you Arctic Wine Company?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. Yes, all right! What is it?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_joyfully_). Have you sent a case of champagne to
+BUMBLETON?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
+
+_First Voice_. (_interposing_). Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Have you sent a case of
+champagne to BUMBLETON?
+
+_Fourth Voice_. We can't hear you. Send a messenger.
+
+_First Voice_. Have you finished?
+
+_Imp. Sub._ (_shouting_). Yes! (_Is cut off._) Shorter to have done so
+at once!
+
+    [_Uses intemperate language, and hurries off to get a
+    Messenger. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHURLISH CABMAN.
+
+AIR--"_BALLYHOOLEY_."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  The Cabman's thrifty fares,
+  Who would seek suburban airs,
+    Desire, of course, a more extended "radius;"
+  But, Cabby, it is clear,
+  Thinks quite otherwise. I fear
+    The controversy's growing rather "taydious."
+  Whether by night or day,
+  A fair fare the fare should pay,
+    And Cabby should not overcharge unduly;
+  But _this_ is what riles _me_,
+  When churl Cabby _will_ not see
+    A would-be fare, but just ignores him coolly.
+
+  _Chorus_.
+
+  "_Hi! hi! Cab! Hi_!" Oh, no!
+  On the sullen brute will go;
+  When he _wants_ a fare, he's clamorous and unruly;
+  But if he wants a _drink_,
+  With a sneer or with a wink,
+  He'll rumble on and just ignore you coolly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESTROYING THE MONEY-LENDER'S WEB; OR, THE THIRTEENTH
+LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER SMART ALL ROUND.
+
+_Lady Di._ (_who has been trying a Horse with a view to purchase_).
+"AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HE'S QUITE UP TO MY WEIGHT, MR. SPAVIN?"
+
+_Spavin._ "LOR! MY LADY, HE'D CARRY TWO OF YOU!"
+
+_Lady Di._ "WHAT? DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT I'M ONLY HALF A HORSEWOMAN?"
+
+_Spavin._ "BY NO MEANS, MY LADY. BUT ANOTHER LIKE YOUR LADYSHIP WOULD
+LOOK SO WELL ON THE OTHER SIDE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO REPORT THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS.
+
+(_NEWEST STYLE._)
+
+Scarcely had the tintinabulum fixed on the altitude of the clock tower
+of the ecclesiastical building known to fame and rowing men as Putney
+Church sounded out the merry chimes of eleven in the forenoon, when
+the wielders of the sky-blue (or dark-blue) blades were observed by
+the eager frequenters of the tow-path carrying their trim-built ship
+to the water's edge. Not many moments were cut to waste before each
+man had safely ensconced himself on the thwart built for him under the
+experienced eyes of the champion boat-builder. The men looked, it must
+in all fairness be admitted, in the high level of condition. In each
+eye there blazed a stern determination to do or die on every possible
+occasion. When the signal to start was given, the boat was observed
+to move with the bounding speed of a highly-trained greyhound. The
+oars dipped into the water like one man, though a marked inclination
+was observed on the part of two or three of the oarsmen to "hurry,"
+while the rest seemed equally disposed to be "late." A few fatherly
+words from the prince of modern coaches soon had the desired effect
+of placing matters on a more completely satisfactory footing. The
+suggestion often made in these columns that a swifter rate of striking
+should be introduced, was acted upon. The boat moved with perfect
+evenness, while the wavelets played round her like young dolphins out
+for a holiday.
+
+I need only add that our old friend Jupiter Pluvius proved once again
+to be a kind friend to those who tempted the dangers of the foaming
+tide in Putney Reach. In conclusion, it must be observed that the
+stroke was sometimes "short" and occasionally "long," but the "slides"
+moved like things of life, and contributed greatly to the pleasure of
+a very enjoyable outing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESTROYING THE SPIDER'S WEB;
+
+_OR, THE THIRTEENTH LABOUR OF HERSCHELLES._
+
+  "To Lion-Hearted Hercules," the strong,
+  Sounded the clarion of Homeric song.
+  "Alcides, forcefullest of all the brood
+  Of men enforced with need of earthly food."
+  _Punch_ will sing gallant Herschelles, than whom
+  Who was more worthy of Alcmene's womb
+  Or Jovian parentage? Behold him stand
+  With lion-hide on loins, and club in hand!
+  Forceful and formidable to all foes,
+  But fatal most especially to those
+  Of Hydra presence and Stymphalian beak,
+  Whose quarry is unseasoned youth, who seek
+  By subtle snares the Infant's steps to trip,
+  And catch the Minor in their harpy grip.
+  To his Twelve Labours, against monsters grim,
+  Who might have lived in safety but for him,
+  To snare, to slay, to humbug, and to cozen,
+  Herschelles, just to make a baker's dozen,
+  Adds a Thirteenth!
+                     A wily, wicked wight,
+  Dwelling in noxious nooks as dark as night,
+  Beyond the radius of the housemaid's broom,
+  And thence dispensing dire disgrace and doom
+  Long time our homes hath haunted. Greedy Ghoul,
+  As furtive of advance as fierce of soul,
+  The Money-lending Spider is his name,
+  And grim and gruesome was his little game.
+  Of swollen body, of protuberant beak,
+  He knew that Youths were green, and Infants weak,
+  And spun his web, invisible but strong,
+  Where'er GRAY's well-named "little triflers" throng,
+  Who, verily unmindful of their doom,
+  He watched from forth his grubby haunts of gloom,
+  And strove by sinister device to lure,
+  Till, 'midst his viscous mazes once secure,
+  Them he might seize and suck.
+                                The Birds, the Boar,
+  The Lion, or the Bull, all whom before
+  Great Herschelles had tackled, were not worse
+  Than the Colossal Spider, Albion's curse,
+  The scourge of childish Wealth and youthful Rank,
+  The Moloch of our Minors! Fathers, thank
+  Our new Alcides, who, with legal club,
+  Could dare the web assault, the Spider drub!
+  Worse than Tarantula venom hath the bite
+  Of this Conkiferous Ogre, which to fight
+  Herschelles did adventure! Thump! Bang! Whack!
+  The web is burst, the Spider's on his back,
+  All impotently spluttering poisonous spleen
+  Let's hope such monster may no more be seen.
+  And let us hail great Herschelles, whose skill
+  The high-nosed horror hath availed to kill.
+  Blow, Infants, blow the pipe, and thump the tabor,
+  In honour of the hero's Thirteenth Labour!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+VII.--THE DUFFER WITH A SALMON-ROD.
+
+No pursuit is more sedentary, if one may talk of a sedentary pursuit,
+and none more to my taste, than trout-fishing as practised in the
+South of England. Given fine weather, and a good novel, nothing can he
+more soothing than to sit on a convenient stump, under a willow, and
+watch the placid kine standing in the water, while the brook murmurs
+on, and perhaps the kingfisher flits to and fro. Here you sit and
+fleet the time carelessly, till a trout rises. Then, indeed, duty
+demands that you shall crawl in the manner of the serpent till you
+come within reach of him, and cast a fly, which usually makes him
+postpone his dinner-hour. But he will come on again, there is no need
+for you to change your position, and you can always fill your basket
+easily--with irises and marsh-marigolds.
+
+[Illustration: "I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe
+with the rod."]
+
+Such are our county contents, but woe befall the day when I took to
+salmon-fishing. The outfit is expensive, "half-crown flees" soon mount
+up, especially if you never go out without losing your fly-book. If
+you buy a light rod, say of fourteen feet, the chances are that it
+will not cover the water, and a longer rod requires in the fisherman
+the strength of a SANDOW. You need wading-breeches, which come up
+nearly to the neck, and weigh a couple of stone. The question has been
+raised, can one swim in them, in case of an accident? For _one_, I can
+answer, he can't. The reel is about the size of a butter-keg, the line
+measures hundreds of yards, and the place where you fish for salmon
+is usually at the utter ends of the earth. Some enthusiasts begin in
+February. Covered with furs, they sit in the stern of a boat, and are
+pulled in a funereal manner up and down Loch Tay, while the rods fish
+for themselves. The angler's only business is to pick them up if a
+salmon bites, and when this has gone on for a few days, with no bite,
+Influenza, or a hard frost with curling, would be rather a relief.
+This kind of thing is not really angling, and a Duffer is as good at
+it as an expert.
+
+Real difficulties and sufferings begin when you reach the
+Cruach-na-spiel-bo, which sounds like Gaelic, and will serve us as
+a name for the river. It is, of course, extremely probable that you
+pay a large rent for the right to gaze at a series of red and raging
+floods, or at a pale and attenuated trickle of water, murmuring
+peevishly through a drought. But suppose, for the sake of argument,
+that the water is "in order," and only running with deep brown swirls
+at some thirty miles an hour. Suppose also, a large presumption, that
+the Duffer does not leave any indispensable part of his equipment
+at home. He arrives at the stream, and as he detests a gillie, whose
+contempt for the Duffer breeds familiarity, he puts up his rod,
+selects a casting line, knots on the kind of fly which is locally
+recommended, and steps into the water. Oh, how cold it is! I begin
+casting at the top of the stream, and step from a big boulder into a
+hole. Stagger, stumble, violent bob forwards, recovery, trip up, and
+here one is in a sitting position in the bed of the stream. However,
+the high india-rubber breeks have kept the water out, except about a
+pailful, which gradually illustrates the equilibrium of fluids in the
+soles of one's stockings. However, I am on my feet again, and walking
+more gingerly, though to the spectator, my movements suggest partial
+intoxication. That is because the bed of the stream is full of
+boulders, which one cannot see, owing to the darkness of the water.
+There was a fish rose near the opposite side. My heart is in my mouth.
+I wade in as far as I can, and make a tremendous swipe with the rod. A
+frantic tug behind, crash, there goes the top of the rod! I am caught
+up in the root of a pine-tree, high up on the bank at my back. No
+use in the language of imprecation. I waddle out, climb the bank,
+extricate the fly, get out a spare top, and to work again, more
+cautiously. Something wrong, the hook has caught in my coat, between
+my shoulders. I must get the coat off somehow, not an easy thing to
+do, on account of my india-rubber armour. It is off at last. I cut
+the hook out with a knife making a big hole in the coat, and cast
+again. That was over him! I let the fly float down, working it
+scientifically. No response. Perhaps better look at the fly. Just my
+luck, I have cracked it off!
+
+Where is the fly-book? Where indeed? A feverish search for the
+fly-book follows--no use: it is not in the basket, it is not in my
+pocket; must have fallen out when I fell into the river. No good in
+looking for it, the water is too thick, I _thought_ I heard a splash.
+Luckily there are some flies in my cap, it looks knowing to have
+some flies in one's cap, and it is not so easy to lose a cap, without
+noticing it, as to lose most things. Here is a big Silver Doctor that
+may do as the water is thick. I put one on, and begin again casting
+over where that fish rose. By George, there he came at me, at least
+I think it must have been at me, a great dark swirl, "the purple wave
+bowed over it like a hill," but he never touched me. Give him five
+minutes law, the hook is sure to be well fastened on, need not bother
+looking at that again. Five minutes take a long time in passing, when
+you are giving a salmon a rest. Good times and bad times and all times
+pass, so here goes. It is correct to begin a good way above him and
+come down to him. I'm past him; no, there is a long heavy drag under
+water, I get the point up, he is off like a shot, while I stand in a
+rather stupid attitude, holding on. If I cannot get out and run down
+the bank, he has me at his mercy. I do stagger out, somehow, falling
+on my back, but keeping the point up with my right hand. No bones
+broken, but surely he is gone! I begin reeling up the line, with a
+heavy heart, and try to lift it out of the water. It won't come, he
+is here still, he has only doubled back. Hooray! Nothing so nice
+as being all alone when you hook a salmon. No gillie to scream out
+contradictory orders. He is taking it very easy, but suddenly he moves
+out a few yards, and begins jiggering, that is, giving a series of
+short heavy tugs. They say he is never well hooked, when he jiggers.
+The rod thrills unpleasantly in my hands, I wish he wouldn't do that.
+It is very disagreeable and makes me very nervous. Hullo! he is off
+again up-stream, the reel ringing like mad: he gets into the thin
+water at the top, and jumps high in the air. He is a monster. Hullo!
+what's that splash? The reel has fallen off, it was always loose, and
+has got into the water. How am I to act now? He is coming back like
+mad, and all the line is loose, and I can't reel up. I begin pulling
+at the line to bring up the reel, but the reel only lets the line
+out, and now he is off again, down stream this time, and I after him,
+and the line running out at both ends at once, and now my legs get
+entangled in it, it is twisted all round me. He runs again and jumps,
+the line comes back in my face, all slack, something has given. It
+is the hook, it was not knotted on firmly to start with. He flings
+himself out of the water once more to be sure that he is free, and I
+sit down and gnaw the reel. Had ever anybody such bad fortune, but it
+is just my luck!
+
+I go back to the place where the reel fell in, and by pulling
+cautiously I extract it from the stream. It shan't come off again; I
+tie it on with the leather lace of one of my brogues. Then I reel up
+the slack, and put on another fly, out of my cap, a Popham. Then I
+fish down the rest of the pool. Near the edge, in the slower part of
+the water, there is a long slow draw, before I can lift the point of
+the rod, a salmon jumps high out of the water at me,--and is gone!
+I never struck him, was too much taken aback at the moment; did not
+expect him then. Thank goodness, the hook is not off this time.
+
+The next stream is very deep, strong and narrow; the best chance is
+close in on my side. By Jove, here he is, he took almost beside the
+rock. He sails leisurely out into the strength of the stream, if he
+will come up, I can manage him, but if he goes down, the water is
+very swift and broken, there are big boulders, and then a sheer wall
+of rock difficult to pass in cold blood, and then the Big Pool. He
+insists on going down, I hold hard on him, and refuse line. But he
+leaps, and then, well he _will_ have it; down he rushes, I after him,
+over the stones, scrambling along the rocky face; great heavens! _the
+top joint of the rod is loose_; I did not tie it on, thought it would
+hold well enough. But down it runs, right down the line; it must be
+touching the fish. It is; he does not like it, he jiggers like a mad
+thing, rushes across the Big Pool, nearly on to the opposite bank.
+Why won't the line run? The line is entangled in my boot-lace. He is
+careering about; I feel that I am trembling like a leaf. There, I knew
+it would happen; he is off with my last casting-line, hook and all. A
+beauty he was, clear as silver and fresh from the sea. Well, there is
+nothing for it but a walk back to the house. I have lost one fly-book,
+two hooks, a couple of casting-lines, three salmon, a top joint, and I
+have torn a great hole in my coat. On changing my dress before lunch,
+I find my fly-book in my breast pocket, where I had not thought of
+looking for it somehow. Then the rain comes, and there is not another
+fishing day in my fortnight. Still, it decidedly was "one crowded hour
+of glorious life," while it lasted. The other men caught four or five
+salmon apiece; it is their Red Letter Day. It is marked in black in my
+calendar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOOTING.
+
+    ["It is a noteworthy fact that while debates have been
+    languishing at Westminster, at Tooting there have been Members
+    enough to 'make a House' any day during the past fortnight,
+    so keen an interest is the 'Royal and Ancient' game
+    exciting."--_Daily Telegraph._]
+
+  What's the use of hooting.
+  Or cir-cum-lo-cuting?
+      M.P.'s off
+      To play at Golf.
+  All the way to Tooting!
+
+  Petty points PAT's mooting!
+  Chances not computing,
+      M.P. slips,
+      (Despite the Whips)
+  Off to Golf at Tooting!
+
+  Landlords _may_ be looting,
+  Tenants _may_ be shooting;
+      Where's the fun
+      In _that_? Let's run
+  Off to Golf at Tooting!
+
+  So M.P.'s are "scooting,"
+  On-the-gay-galoot-ing;
+      Cut the House
+      (It shows their _nous_)
+  For the Links at Tooting!
+
+  There is joy in shooting,
+  Wine-ing or cherooting,
+      Dinners, Moors,
+      Weeds--_all_ are bores,
+  Compared with Golf at Tooting!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS.
+
+_Tommy._ "I HAD _SUCH_ A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT, GRANDPAPA!"
+
+_The Admiral._ "TELL IT ME, TOMMY."
+
+_Tommy._ "OH NO! IT WOULD ONLY FRIGHTEN YOU AS IT FRIGHTENED ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE."
+
+    ["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any Lady
+    or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable
+    HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can at
+    once secure above reward. Address, &c."]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing this
+Advertisement in the _Times_, I was seized with a wild desire to "at
+once secure above reward." Said I to myself, "I have 'wealthy and
+influential friends.' There is my cousin's uncle, who has, I believe,
+thirty thousand a-year, though I never saw any part of it, or of him,
+for the matter of that; and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose
+second husband is a K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know
+where he lives." So I sat and thought about it for a time with my
+eyes shut, and then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined
+it must be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was
+so much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last,
+edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and asked
+him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned a pitying
+eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled the station, said,
+wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know, cos they've all arst me.
+You'd better foller 'em."
+
+This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and struggled
+through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and influential
+friends" until I reached the open street. By that time I was
+exhausted, and, finding that the street was even fuller than the
+station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw that the reserve
+of gold at the Bank of England would not have sufficed to pay each
+applicant the promised L50. In any case I felt sure that by that time
+the whole of the money in the town must have been used up. So, without
+hat or umbrella, and with my coat as much divided up the back as
+up the front, I returned--to consciousness, and went on reading the
+newspaper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE FORESTERS."
+
+  All the greatest swells
+    Of the U.S.A.
+  Come to see a new,
+    Fascinating play.
+  Verses by a Lord!
+    Music by a Knight!
+  Just the thing in which
+    Democrats delight.
+  When the hearty praise
+    Bursts from Yankee lips,
+  "Pass and blush the news
+    Over glowing ships;"
+  What are "glowing ships"?
+    That I've never guessed,
+  "Pass the happy news,
+    Blush it thro' the West;"
+  This I simply quote
+    From the poet's muse;
+  Hang me if I know
+    How you "blush the news"!
+  Anyhow, you do,
+    If the lines will scan,
+  "Till the red man dance,"
+    Do you think he can?
+  "And the red man's babe
+    Leap beyond the sea."
+  Active sort of child,
+    Surely, that must be!
+  "Blush from West to East,"
+    Blush from left to right,
+  "Till the West is East,"
+    And the black is white,
+  DALY is the man!
+    Daily is the play,
+  "Dailies" puff it up,
+    In the kindest way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE APPROPRIATE.--The Senate House, where the Degree Examinations
+take place, might well be termed "The Spinning House." It is there
+that unfortunate Candidates are "spun."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.
+
+_Little Jones_. "YOU'LL GIVE ME A DANCE TO-MORROW NIGHT, WON'T YOU,
+MRS. FOOTE?"
+
+_Mrs. Foote_ (_who is anxious to show her matronly consideration for
+Unmarried Girls_). "WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE, AND IF THE MEN RUN _SHORT_,
+YOU KNOW, I SHAN'T DANCE AT ALL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;
+
+OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.
+
+    ["Far from taking up and developing the new mode of
+    communication thus given into its hands, it (the Post Office)
+    could not forget its attitude of hostility to the innovation,
+    or conceive any larger policy than one of repressing the
+    telephone in order to make people stick to the telegraph....
+    The result is that England lags far behind all other civilised
+    countries in the use of the telephone."--_Times_.]
+
+AIR--"_Ulalume_."
+
+  _Cinderella_, you sit and look sober,
+    _Cinderella_, you mope and look queer--
+    You mope, and look dolefully queer;
+  As chill as JOHN MILLAIS' "_October_,"
+    As you have done, this many a year.
+  It is hard on you; MOZART or AUBER
+    Might fail your depression to cheer--
+  Had you taken the draught named of Glauber,
+  You could scarce look duller, my dear
+
+II.
+
+  Our times, dear, are truly Titanic,
+    Perfection seems Science's goal--
+    Dim, distant, dark Science's goal--
+  But we're still a bit given to panic.
+        Monopolies moodily roll--
+        Monopolies restlessly roll--
+  That's why there's a movement volcanic
+    That stirs us from pole unto pole--
+  A moaning that's vainly volcanic,
+    In the realms of the (Telegraph) pole.
+
+III.
+
+  Deputations are serious and sober,
+    Officials look palsied and sere--
+    They indulge in rhetoric small-beer
+  (Instead of sound sparkling October)
+    They're frightened about _you_, my dear--
+    (You, at present in two senses, dear!)
+  They would scan the far future, and probe her,
+    But can't--and it makes them feel queer;
+  As you sit by the fire, looking sober,
+    You make _them_ sit up and feel queer.
+
+IV.
+
+  Your sisters, whose airs are unpleasant,
+    Regard you with arrogant scorn--
+    With arrogant, uneasy scorn--
+  True, they have the pull, for the present,
+    But fear you, the fair youngest born.
+  They know that your glory is crescent,
+    And, though each uplifteth her horn,
+  Each feels that _her_ glory's senescent,
+    In spite of their duplicate scorn.
+
+V.
+
+  _Miss Telegraph_, lifting her finger,
+    Says--"Sadly this minx I mistrust--
+    Her manners I strangely mistrust--
+  She'll distance us, dear, if we linger!
+    Ah, haste!--let us haste!--for we must!
+  She'll eclipse us--that _would_ be a stinger!
+    She'll rise, and our business is "bust"--
+  My dear, we must snub her, and bring her
+    Presumptuous pride to the dust--
+    Till she sorrowfully sinks in the dust."
+
+VI.
+
+  _Post_ replies--"Oh, it's nothing but dreaming,
+    Her hoping to put out _our_ light!--
+    Our brilliant and duplicate light!
+  What did FERGUSSON say, blandly beaming
+    Upon the tired House t'other night?
+    He said _he_ would make it all right.
+  Ah, we safely may trust to his scheming--
+    Be sure he will lead us aright--
+  He won't let the damsel there dreaming
+    Despoil us of what is our right--
+    The monopoly plainly _our_ right!"
+
+VII.
+
+  Yet watch _Cinderella_, and list her!
+    She yet will emerge from her gloom--
+    Time will conquer her fears and her gloom.
+  Before her she hath a bright vista.[1]
+    The fairy Godmother will come!
+    Redtape shall not long seal her doom.
+  What is written is written! No "sister,"
+    (Though scorning her beauty, and broom)
+    Shall shroud her bright light in the tomb
+    Which yet the whole land shall illume!
+
+VIII.
+
+  She's "some pumpkins"--though now she looks sober--
+    She's brilliant; she is "no small beer."
+    No, no, _Cinderella_, my dear!
+    Your envious "sisters" may jeer,
+    And sit on you yet, for a year;
+    Redtape your advancement may fear,
+    And Monopoly's patrons look queer;
+  But, as sure as the month of October
+    Is famous for sound British beer,
+  Vested Interest time shall prove _no_ bar
+    To your final triumph, my dear!
+
+[Footnote 1: POE, not _Mr. Punch_, should have the credit of this and
+certain other Cockney rhymes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE."--"The competition for the Evill Prize
+also took place yesterday" (i.e., last Thursday. _Vide Times_). The
+prize so Evilly named was won by Mr. PHILIP BROZEL, of the Royal
+Academy of Music, who must have expressed himself as being at least
+deucedly delighted, even if he did not use some much stronger and
+wronger expression. Henceforth PHILIP BROZEL has an Evill reputation.
+Let us hope he will live up to it, and so live it down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TELEPHONE CINDERELLA;
+
+OR, WANTED A GODMOTHER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATINEE MANIA.
+
+(_A SKETCH AT ANY THEATRE ON MOST AFTERNOONS._)
+
+    SCENE--_The Front of the House. In the Boxes and Dress-circle
+    are friends and relations of the_ Author. _In the Stalls are a
+    couple of Stray Critics who leave early, actors and actresses
+    "resting" more friends and relations. In the Pit, the front
+    row is filled by the_ Author's _domestic servants, the
+    landladies of several of the performers, and a theatrical
+    charwoman or two, behind them a sprinkling of the general
+    public, whose time apparently hangs heavily on their hands.
+    In a Stage-box is the_ Author _herself, with a sycophantic_
+    Companion. _A murky gloom pervades the Auditorium; a scratch
+    orchestra is playing a lame and tuneless Schottische for
+    the second time, to compensate for a little delay of fifteen
+    minutes between the first and second Tableaux in the Second
+    Act. The orchestra ceases, and a Checktaker at the Pit door
+    whistles "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!" Some restless spirits stamp
+    feebly._
+
+[Illustration: "Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few
+words."]
+
+_The Author._ I wish they would be a _little_ quicker. I've a good
+mind to go behind myself and hurry them up. The audience are beginning
+to get impatient.
+
+_Her Companion._ But that shows how _interested_ they are, _doesn't_
+it, dear?
+
+_Author._ I think it _ought_ to interest them, but I _did_ expect they
+would have shown a little more enthusiasm over that situation in the
+last _tableau_--they're rather a _cold_ audience!
+
+_Comp._ It's above their heads, dear, that's where it is--plays are
+such rubbish nowadays, people don't appreciate a really _great_ drama
+just at first. I do hope Mr. IRVING, Mr. HARE and Mr. BEERBOHM TREE
+will come in--I'm sure they'll be only too _anxious_ to secure it!
+
+_Author._ I don't know that I should care for it to come out at the
+Lyceum, but of course if the terms were very--oh, they're beginning
+at last! I hope this light comedy scene will go well. (_Curtain
+rises: Comic dialogue--nothing whatever to do with the plot--between a
+Footman and a Matinee Maidservant in short sleeves, a lace tucker, and
+a diamond necklace; depression of audience. Serious characters enter
+and tell one another long and irrelevant stories, all about nothing.
+When the auditor remarks,_ "Your story is indeed a sad one--but go
+on," _a shudder goes through the house, which becomes a groan ten
+minutes later when the listener says:_ "You have told me _your_
+history--now hear _mine_!" _He tells it; it proves, if possible,
+duller and more irrelevant than the other man's. A love-scene follows,
+characterised by all the sparkle and brilliancy of "Temperance
+Champagne"; the House witnesses the fall of the Curtain with apathy._)
+
+_Author._ That love-scene was perfectly _ruined_ by the acting! She
+_ought_ to have turned her head aside when he said, "Dash the teapot!"
+but she never _did_, and he left out _all_ that about dreaming of her
+when he was ill with measles in Mashonaland! I wish they wouldn't have
+such long waits, though. We timed the piece at rehearsal, and, with
+the cuts I made, it only played about four hours; but I'm afraid it
+will take longer than that to-day.
+
+_Comp._ I don't care _how_ long it is--it's so _beautifully_ written!
+
+_Author._ Well, I put my whole _soul_ into it, you know; but it's not
+till this next Act that I show my full power. [_Curtain rises on a
+drawing-room, furnished with dingy wrecks from the property-room--the
+home of_ JASPER, the Villain, _who is about to give an evening party.
+Enter a hooded crone._ "Sir JASPER, I have a secret of importance,
+which can only be revealed to your private ear!" (_Shivers of
+apprehension amongst the audience._) _Sir J._ "Certainly, go
+into yonder apartment, and await me there." (_Sigh of relief from
+spectators_.) _A Footman._ "Sir, the guests wait!" _Sir J._ (_with
+lordly ease_). "Bid them enter!" (_They troop in unannounced and
+sit down against the wall, entertaining one another in dumb-show._)
+_Footman_ (_re-entering_). "Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger, who says
+he knew you in Norway, under an _alias_, requests a few words." _Sir
+J._ "Confusion!--one of my former accomplices in crime--my guests
+must not be present at this interview!" (_To Guests._) "Ladies and
+Gentlemen, will you step into the adjoining room for a few minutes,
+and examine my collection of war-weapons?" (_Guests retire, with
+amiable anticipations of enjoyment. The Stranger enters, and tells
+another long story._) "I smile still," he concludes--"but even a
+_dead_ man's skull will smile. Allow me then the privileges of death!"
+(_At this an irreverent Pittite suddenly guffaws, and the Audience
+from that moment perceives that the piece possesses a humorous side.
+The Stranger goes; the Guests return. Re-enter Footman_). "Sir, an
+elderly man, who was acquainted with your family years ago, insists
+on seeing you, and will take no denial!" _Villain_ (_with presence
+of mind--to Guests._) "Ladies and Gentlemen, will you step into the
+neighbouring apartment, and join the dancers?" (_The Guests obey. The_
+Elderly Man _enters, and denounces_ JASPER, _who mendaciously declares
+that he is his own second cousin_ JOSEPH; _whereupon the visitor
+turns down his coat-collar, and takes off a false beard._) "Do you
+know me now, JASPER SHOPPUN?" he cries. "_I_ am JOSEPH--your second
+cousin!"... "What, ho, Sir Insolence!" the Villain retorts. "And so
+you come to deliver me to Justice?"... "Not so," says JOSEPH. "Long
+years ago I swore to my dying Aunt to protect your reputation, even
+at the expense of my own. I come to warn you that"--&c., &c. (_The
+Audience, who are now in excellent spirits, receive every incident
+with uncontrollable merriment till the end of the Act. Another long
+wait, enlivened by a piccolo solo._)
+
+_Author._ LAVINIA, it's _too_ disgraceful--it's a deliberate
+conspiracy to turn the piece into ridicule. I never thought my _own
+relations_ would turn against me--and yet I might have known!
+
+_Comp._ It wasn't the _play_ they laughed at, dear--that's lovely--but
+it's so ridiculously _acted_, you know!
+
+_Author._ Of course the acting _is_ abominable--but they might make
+allowances for _that_. It _is_ so unfair! [_The Play proceeds. The
+Heroine's jealousy has been excited by the Villain, for vague purposes
+of his own, and the Hero is trying to disarm her suspicions._ _She._
+"But why are you constantly going from Paris to London at the beck
+and call of that man?" _He_ (_aside_). "If she only knew that I do it
+to shield my second cousin, JASPER--but my oath!--I cannot tell her!
+(_To her._) The reason is very simple, darling--he is my Private
+Secretary!" (_Roars of inextinguishable laughter, drowning the Wife's
+expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence. The Hero wants to
+go out; the Wife begs him to stay; she has 'a presentiment of evil--a
+dread of something unseen, unknown.' He goes: the Villain enters in
+evening dress._) _Villain._ "Your husband is false to you. Meet me
+in half an hour at the lonely hut by the cross-roads, and you shall
+have proof of his guilt." (_The Wife departs at once, just as she is.
+Villain, soliloquising._) "So--my diabolical schemes prosper. I have
+got JOSEPH out of the way by stratagem, decoyed his wife--my early
+love--to a lonely hut, where my minions wait to seize her. Now to
+abduct the child, destroy the certificate of vaccination which alone
+stands between me and a Peerage, set fire to the home of my ancestors,
+accuse JOSEPH of all my crimes, and take my seat in the House of
+Lords as the Earl of Addelegg! Ha-ha--a good night's work! a good--"
+_Joseph_ (_from back_). "Not so. I have heard all. I will _not_ have
+it. You _shall_ not!" (_&c., &c._) _Villain._ "You would thwart my
+schemes?" _Joseph_ (_firmly_). "I would. My wife and child shall
+_not_--" (_&c., &c._) _Villain_ (_slowly_). "And the oath you swore
+to my Mother, your dying Aunt, would you break that?" _Joseph_
+(_overcome_). "My oath! my Aunt! Ah, no, I cannot, I _must_ not break
+it. JASPER SHOPPUN, I am powerless--you must do your evil will!" (_He
+sinks on a settee: Triumph of Villain, tableau, and Curtain._)
+
+_Author._ I wouldn't have _believed_ that a modern audience would
+treat heroic conduct like that as if it was _laughable_. It's enough
+to make one give up play-writing altogether!
+
+_Comp._ Oh, I wouldn't do _that_, dear. You mustn't punish Posterity!
+[_The Play goes on and on; the Villain removes inconveniently
+repentant tools, and saddles the Hero with his nefarious deeds. The
+Hero is arrested, but reappears, at liberty, in the next Act (about
+the Ninth), and no reference whatever is made to the past. Old serious
+characters turn up again, and are welcomed with uproarious delight.
+At the end of a conversation, lasting a quarter of an hour, the
+Lady's-maid remarks that "her Mistress has been very ill, and must
+not talk too much." Cheers from Audience. General joy when the Villain
+returns a hopeless maniac. Curtain about six, and loud calls for
+Author._)
+
+_Author._ Nothing will _induce_ me to take a call after the shameful
+way they've behaved! And it's all the fault of the acting. When we
+get home, I'll read the play all through to you again, and you'll see
+now it _ought_ to have been done! A hundred and twenty pounds simply
+thrown away!
+
+    [_Retires, consoled by her_ Companion, _and the consciousness
+    that true genius is invariably unappreciated._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 21._--Uneasy feeling spread through
+House to-night consequent on question addressed by MACINNES to
+UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS. Wants to know "whether his
+attention has been called to the increase of drinking among Natives
+in the Coast Towns?" CAUSTON particularly depressed.
+
+[Illustration: "Sir, I am not--"]
+
+[Illustration: "--an Agricultural Labourer."]
+
+"I sat for Colchester for five years, you know," he said, "and grew
+into habit of regarding the Natives as my constituents. For five years
+never swallowed one without thinking I was reducing the number on
+the Register. Used to excuse myself on the ground that the particular
+bivalve that had disappeared must have been a Conservative, or it
+would never have been so stupid as to leave its comfortable bed to
+embark on such a journey. My interest in the oyster is now secondary.
+They don't flourish in Southwark; whelks more in our way down there.
+Still one cannot forget old associations, and confess I'm rather
+knocked over to hear this report MACINNES has brought up. Can't
+imagine anything more distressing than the spectacle of a drunken
+oyster--probably with dishevelled beard--coming home late at night and
+trying to get into another Native's shell under impression that he has
+recognised his own front door. Must see WILFRID LAWSON about this; get
+up an Oyster Temperance Society; framed certificates, blue ribbon, and
+all that, if the thing spreads, we shall have oysters emitting quite a
+rum-punch flavour when we add the lemon."
+
+Gloom dissipated two hours later by appearance of BOBBY SPENCER at the
+Table. BOBBY doesn't often witch the House with oratory. Content with
+important though to outsiders obscure position he occupies in Party
+administration. His is the hand that pulls the strings to which
+Liberal Party dance. SCHNADHORST gets some credit, but everybody knows
+BOBBY's the man. To see these two political strategists in conference
+is sufficient to reassure the Liberal Party on the possible issues of
+the General Election.
+
+SCHNADHORST complains that BOBBY has a trick, after addressing him
+through the ear-trumpet he (S.) carries in reminiscence of JOSHUA
+REYNOLDS, of putting his ear to the trumpet as if he expected the
+answer to arrive through that medium.
+
+[Illustration: MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON "THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT."]
+
+"Very embarrassing." SCHNADHORST says, "to have a fellow first putting
+his mouth and then his ear to other end of your trumpet. Sometimes
+I say to him, sharply, '_I_ don't speak through the trumpet.' 'Oh,
+no, of course not,' he says, 'I beg your pardon,' and draws away.
+Presently he's back again, politely, as I speak, applying his ear
+to the trumpet. But it's only the absence of mind that arises from
+preoccupation in matters of State."
+
+BOBBY, besides being the political director of the strategy of the
+Liberal Party, is a County Member. It was in this last capacity
+he appeared at Table to-night in Debate on Second Reading of Small
+Holdings Bill. House received him with hearty cheer. No one more
+popular than BOBBY. Delight uproariously manifested when, daintily
+pulling at his abundant shirt-cuff, and settling his fair young
+head more comfortably upon summit of his monumental collar, he
+deprecatingly observed--
+
+"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer."
+
+The speech a model of Parliamentary debating, full of point, resting
+on sound argument, lucidly stated, and all over in five minutes.
+_Business done._--Debate on Small Holdings Bill.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Morning Sitting. SEXTON at length worked off the speech
+on Irish Education Bill, that has hung over House like cloud since
+Bill was introduced in earliest days of Session. Wasn't in his place
+the first night; so friends and colleagues wore out the sitting to
+preserve his opportunity. When this next presented itself, SEXTON
+thought the hour and condition of House unsuitable for person of his
+consequence; declined to speak. To-day, his last chance, things worse
+than ever. Benches empty, as usual at Morning Sitting. But now or
+never, and at least there would be long report in Irish papers. So
+went at it by the hour. Finished at a quarter to five. At Morning
+Sitting, debate automatically suspended at ten minutes to seven;
+two hours and five minutes for everyone else to speak. SINCLAIR long
+waiting chance to thrust in his nose. Found it at last; but House
+wearied and worn out; glad when seven o'clock approached, and Bill
+read First Time.
+
+[Illustration: THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE--(VIDE THE OPPOSITION PRESS.)]
+
+At Evening Sitting, Lawyers had it all to themselves. ROBERTSON opened
+Debate on Law of Conspiracy in admirable speech. Later came LOCKWOOD,
+speaking disrespectfully of "B." Then SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, girding at
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL; MATTHEWS followed, with plump assertion that Squire
+had not been talking about the Resolution. Finally CHARLES RUSSELL,
+with demonstration that "the Right Hon. Gentleman (meaning MATTHEWS)
+had displayed a complete misconception of the character and objects of
+the Resolution." Being thus demonstrated upon unimpeachable authority
+that nobody knew anything about the Resolution, House proceeded
+to vote upon it. For, 180; against, 226. Ministerialists cheered;
+Opposition apparently equally delighted. So home I to bed, everyone
+determined first thing in morning get hold of newspaper, and see what
+the Resolution really was about. _Business done_.--Miscellaneous.
+
+_Wednesday_.--"I wonder," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, curiously
+regarding CHAMBERLAIN discoursing on the Eight Hours Bill, "whom JOE
+meant by his reference at Birmingham on Saturday night to 'the funny
+man of the House of Commons,'--'A man who has a natural taste for
+buffoonery, which he has cultivated with great art, who has a hatred
+of every Government and all kinds of restraint, and especially, of
+course, of the Government that happens to be in office.' Couldn't be
+HENEAGE, and I don't suppose he had JESSE in his mind at the moment.
+Pity a man can't make his points clearly. JOE used to be lucid enough.
+But he's falling off now in that as in other matters. Made me rub my
+eyes when I read his remarks about House of Lords, and remembered what
+he used to say on subject when he and I ran together. Certainly JOE
+is a man of courage. There are topics he might, with memory of past
+speeches, easily avoid or circumnavigate. But he goes straight at
+'em, whether fence or ditch, takes them at a stride regardless of
+his former self, splashed with mud in the jump, or smitten with the
+horse's hoof. Makes me quite sentimental when I sit and listen to him,
+and recall days that are no more. _Mrs. Gummidge_ thinking of the
+Old 'Un is nothing to me thinking of the Young 'Un who came up from
+Birmingham in 1876, and who from '80 to '85 walked hand in hand with
+me.
+
+  We were patriots together.--Ah! placeman and peer
+    Are the patrons who smile on your labours to-day;
+  And Lords of the Treasury lustily cheer
+    Whatever you do and whatever you say.
+  Go, pocket, my JOSEPH, as much as you will,
+    The times are quite altered we very well know;
+  But will you not, will you not, talk to us still,
+    As you talked to us once long ago, long ago?
+
+  We were patriots together!--I know you will think
+    Of the cobbler's caresses, the coalheaver's cries,
+  Of the stones that we throw, and the toasts that we drink
+    Of our pamphlets and pledges, our libels and lies!
+  When the truth shall awake, and the country and town
+    Be heartily weary of BALFOUR & CO.,
+  My JOSEPH, hark back to the Radical frown,
+    Let us be what we were, long ago, long ago!"
+
+"Bless me," I cried, "how beautiful! I didn't know that, among your
+many accomplishments, you were given to dropping into poetry."
+
+"Tut, tut!" said the SAGE, blushing, "it isn't all my own; written
+years ago by MACKWORTH PRAED, about JOHN CAM HOBHOUSE. I've only
+brought it up to date."
+
+_Business done_.--Eight Hours' Bill thrown out on a Division.
+
+_Thursday_.--Private O'GRADY, of the Welsh Fusiliers, the hero of the
+hour. His annals short and simple. Got up early in the morning of St.
+Patrick's Day; provided himself with handful of shamrock, which he
+stuck in his glengarry. (_Note_.--O'GRADY, an Irishman, belongs to a
+Welsh Regiment, and, to complete the pickle, wears a Scotch cap.) The
+ignorant Saxon officer in command observing the patriot muster with
+what he, all unconscious of St. Patrick's Day, thought was "a handful
+of greens" in his cap, instructed the non-commissioned officer to
+order him to take it out.
+
+"I won't do't," said gallant Private O'GRADY, the hot Celtic blood
+swiftly brought to boiling pitch by this insult to St. Patrick. Irish
+Members vociferously cheered when STANHOPE read the passage from
+Colonel's report. Another non-commissioned officer advancing from the
+rear, repeated order.
+
+"I won't do't!" roared the implacable Private O'GRADY.
+
+Once more the Irish Members burst into cheering, whilst a soldier
+in uniform in Strangers' Gallery looked on and listened. Would like
+to hear his account of scene confided to comrades in privacy of
+barrack-room.
+
+When STANHOPE finished reading report of officer commanding battalion,
+Irish Members leaped to their feet in body, each anxious to stand
+shoulder to shoulder with Private O'GRADY defying the Saxon. NOLAN,
+who had set ball rolling, might have got in first, but was so
+excited as to be momentarily speechless; could only paw at the air in
+direction of Treasury Bench where STANHOPE sat, PAT O'BRIEN, ARTHUR
+O'CONNOR, the wily WEBB, and the flaccid FLYNN, all shouting together.
+But SEXTON beat them all, and will duly figure in Parliamentary Report
+as Vindicator of Nationality, Defender of St. Patrick, and Patron of
+Private O'GRADY.
+
+"There's nothing new about Ireland," said POLTALLOCH, talking the
+matter over later in the Lobby. "'Tis the most distressful country
+that ever yet was seen, Where they punish T. O'GRADY For the wearing
+of the Green."
+
+_Business done_.--Small Holdings Bill read Second Time.
+
+_Friday Night_.--House behaved nobly to-night; FENWICK brought forward
+Motion proposing payment of Members. House arbiter of situation; might
+have voted itself anything a year it pleased. Only say the word, and
+JOKIM would have been bound to find the money. Members flocked down in
+large numbers: CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, seated on Front Opposition Bench,
+declares he could distinctly hear smacking of lips of Hon. Members
+below Gangway when FENWICK observed he thought L365 a year would be
+reasonable allowance. However insidious temptation may have been, it
+was nobly resisted. Of nearly 400 Members who took part in Division,
+only 162 reached out their hand for the pittance, 227 lofty souls
+going into other Lobby.
+
+_Business done_.--Private Bill Procedure Bill brought in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'SAFETY MATCHES' FOR LIFE.--The following notice has
+been issued by the Salvation Army: 'Safety matches are now made by the
+Social Wing without sulphur or phosphorus, which will flame without
+striking. What do we mean? Just this. That if you are unmarried, and
+do not know where to chose a partner, you can communicate with Colonel
+BARKER, Matrimonial Bureau, 101, Queen Victoria Street, E.C., and
+he will most probably supply you with just what you want--somebody
+loveable and good.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY ORCHID!
+
+    ["The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the
+    life of a Peer is not a happy one."--_Mr. Chamberlain, before
+    the Jewellers' and Silversmiths' Association at Birmingham_.]
+
+  The Orchid is a thoughtful plant--it loves the lordly hot-house,
+  And naturally reprobates poor gilliflowers as "pot-house;"
+  'Tis rich, exotic, somewhat miscellaneously florid;
+  The rough herbaceous annuals it vulgar deems, and horrid.
+
+  With all that's forced and precious it should fraternise in reason,
+  With luscious fruits and rarest roots, and produce out of season;
+  It may perhaps at primroses a condescending hand point;
+  It might be friends with stocks--but from a pure commercial
+          standpoint.
+
+  And yet--it is a thoughtful plant--though such a growth fastidious,
+  The proud but simple strawberry still seems to it invidious;
+  Those ducal leaves that shine and twine around the nation's garden,
+  It fancies more delectable than all the blooms of Hawarden.
+
+  This orchid's bosom bleeds to feel that, while he flaunts in colour,
+  The chaplet of the strawberry should duller pine and duller,
+  That obsoleteness, though delayed, should still be on the _tapis_,
+  That, pending its extinction, its existence isn't happy.
+
+  O courtly leaves of strawberries, old England's grace and glory,
+  Emblazoned o'er the castle-keeps that moulder nigh and hoary,
+  What comfort for your drooping days, what balm in dire dejection,
+  That yonder orchid spruce extends his shelter and protection.
+
+  But, garland sere of Vere de Vere, wan ornaments of Fable,
+  The orchid is a thoughtful plant, and likes a gorgeous table;
+  And, should from out your coronals one berry bright be shining,
+  His patronage may snap it up--to save it from declining!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, April 2, 1892, by Various
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