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diff --git a/14376-0.txt b/14376-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..737aaa0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14376-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10316 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14376 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14376-h.htm or 14376-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/3/7/14376/14376-h/14376-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/3/7/14376/14376-h.zip) + + + + + +SOMEWHERE IN RED GAP + +by + +HARRY LEON WILSON + +Illustrated by John R. Neill, F. R. Gruger, and Henry Raleigh + +New York +Grosset & Dunlap +Publishers + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "SHE WAS STANDING ON THE CENTRE TABLE BY NOW, SO SHE +COULD LAMP HERSELF IN THE GLASS OVER THE MANTEL"] + + + +To +GEORGE HORACE LORIMER + + +CONTENTS + +CHAPTER + +I. The Red Splash of Romance +II. Ma Pettengill and the Song of Songs +III. The Real Peruvian Doughnuts +IV. Once a Scotchman, Always +V. Non Plush Ultra +VI. Cousin Egbert Intervenes +VII. Kate; or, Up From the Depths +VIII. Pete's B'other-in-law +IX. Little Old New York + + + + +I + +THE RED SPLASH OF ROMANCE + + +The walls of the big living-room in the Arrowhead ranch house are +tastefully enlivened here and there with artistic spoils of the owner, +Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill. There are family portraits in crayon, +photo-engravings of noble beasts clipped from the _Breeder's Gazette_, +an etched cathedral or two, a stuffed and varnished trout of such size +that no one would otherwise have believed in it, a print in three +colours of a St. Bernard dog with a marked facial resemblance to the +late William E. Gladstone, and a triumph of architectural perspective +revealing two sides of the Pettengill block, corner of Fourth and Main +streets, Red Gap, made vivacious by a bearded fop on horseback who doffs +his silk hat to a couple of overdressed ladies with parasols in a +passing victoria. + +And there is the photograph of the fat man. He is very large--both high +and wide. He has filled the lens and now compels the eye. His broad face +beams a friendly interest. His moustache is a flourishing, uncurbed, +riotous growth above his billowy chin. + +The checked coat, held recklessly aside by a hand on each hip, reveals +an incredible expanse of waistcoat, the pattern of which raves +horribly. From pocket to pocket of this gaudy shield curves a watch +chain of massive links--nearly a yard of it, one guesses. + +Often I have glanced at this noisy thing tacked to the wall, entranced +by the simple width of the man. Now on a late afternoon I loitered +before it while my hostess changed from riding breeches to the gown of +lavender and lace in which she elects to drink tea after a day's hard +work along the valleys of the Arrowhead. And for the first time I +observed a line of writing beneath the portrait, the writing of my +hostess, a rough, downright, plain fashion of script: "Reading from left +to right--Mr. Ben Sutton, Popular Society Favourite of Nome, Alaska." + +"Reading from left to right!" Here was the intent facetious. And Ma +Pettengill is never idly facetious. Always, as the advertisements say, +"There's a reason!" And now, also for the first time, I noticed some +printed verses on a sheet of thickish yellow paper tacked to the wall +close beside the photograph--so close that I somehow divined an intimate +relationship between the two. With difficulty removing my gaze from the +gentleman who should be read from left to right, I scanned these verses: + + SONG OF THE OPEN ROAD + + A child of the road--a gypsy I-- + My path o'er the land and sea; + With the fire of youth I warm my nights + And my days are wild and free. + Then ho! for the wild, the open road! + Afar from the haunts of men. + The woods and the hills for my spirit untamed-- + I'm away to mountain and glen. + + If ever I tried to leave my hills + To abide in the cramped haunts of men, + The urge of the wild to her wayward child + Would drag me to freedom again. + + I'm slave to the call of the open road; + In your cities I'd stifle and die. + I'm off to the hills in fancy I see-- + On the breast of old earth I'll lie. + + WILFRED LENNOX, the Hobo Poet, + On a Coast-to-Coast Walking Tour. + These Cards for sale. + +I briefly pondered the lyric. It told its own simple story and could at +once have been dismissed but for its divined and puzzling relationship +to the popular society favourite of Nome, Alaska. What could there be in +this? + +Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill bustled in upon my speculation, but as +usual I was compelled to wait for the talk I wanted. For some moments +she would be only the tired owner of the Arrowhead Ranch--in the tea +gown of a debutante and with too much powder on one side of her +nose--and she must have at least one cup of tea so corrosive that the +Scotch whiskey she adds to it is but a merciful dilution. She now drank +eagerly of the fearful brew, dulled the bite of it with smoke from a +hurriedly built cigarette, and relaxed gratefully into one of those +chairs which are all that most of us remember William Morris for. Even +then she must first murmur of the day's annoyances, provided this time +by officials of the United States Forest Reserve. In the beginning I +must always allow her a little to have her own way. + +"The annual spring rumpus with them rangers," she wearily boomed. "Every +year they tell me just where to turn my cattle out on the Reserve, and +every year I go ahead and turn 'em out where I want 'em turned out, +which ain't the same place at all, and then I have to listen patiently +to their kicks and politely answer all letters from the higher-ups and +wait for the official permit, which always comes--and it's wearing on a +body. Darn it! They'd ought to know by this time I always get my own +way. If they wasn't such a decent bunch I'd have words with 'em, giving +me the same trouble year after year, probably because I'm a weak, +defenceless woman. However!" + +The lady rested largely, inert save for the hand that raised the +cigarette automatically to her lips. My moment had come. + +"What did Wilfred Lennox, the hobo poet, have to do with Mr. Ben Sutton, +of Nome, Alaska?" I gently inquired. + +"More than he wanted," replied the lady. Her glance warmed with +memories; she hovered musingly on the verge of recital. But the +cigarette was half done and at its best. I allowed her another moment, a +moment in which she laughed confidentially to herself, a little dry, +throaty laugh. I knew that laugh. She would be marshalling certain +events in their just and diverting order. But they seemed to be many and +of confusing values. + +"Some said he not only wasn't a hobo but wasn't even a poet," she +presently murmured, and smoked again. Then: "That Ben Sutton, now, he's +a case. Comes from Alaska and don't like fresh eggs for breakfast +because he says they ain't got any kick to 'em like Alaska eggs have +along in March, and he's got to have canned milk for his coffee. Say, I +got a three-quarters Jersey down in Red Gap gives milk so rich that the +cream just naturally trembles into butter if you speak sharply to it or +even give it a cross look; not for Ben though. Had to send out for +canned milk that morning. I drew the line at hunting up case eggs for +him though. He had to put up with insipid fresh ones. And fat, that man! +My lands! He travels a lot in the West when he does leave home, and he +tells me it's the fear of his life he'll get wedged into one of them +narrow-gauge Pullmans some time and have to be chopped out. Well, as I +was saying--" She paused. + +"But you haven't begun," I protested. I sharply tapped the printed +verses and the photograph reading from left to right. Now she became +animated, speaking as she expertly rolled a fresh cigarette. + +"Say, did you ever think what aggravating minxes women are after they +been married a few years--after the wedding ring gets worn a little bit +thin?" + +This was not only brutal; it seemed irrelevant. + +"Wilfred Lennox--" I tried to insist, but she commandingly raised the +new cigarette at me. + +"Yes, sir! Ever know one of 'em married for as long as ten years that +didn't in her secret heart have a sort of contempt for her life partner +as being a stuffy, plodding truck horse? Of course they keep a certain +dull respect for him as a provider, but they can't see him as dashing +and romantic any more; he ain't daring and adventurous. All he ever does +is go down and open up the store or push back the roll-top, and keep +from getting run over on the street. One day's like another with him, +never having any wild, lawless instincts or reckless moods that make a +man fascinating--about the nearest he ever comes to adventure is when he +opens the bills the first of the month. And she often seeing him without +any collar on, and needing a shave mebbe, and cherishing her own secret +romantic dreams, while like as not he's prosily figuring out how he's +going to make the next payment on the endowment policy. + +"It's a hard, tiresome life women lead, chained to these here plodders. +That's why rich widows generally pick out the dashing young devils they +do for their second, having buried the man that made it for 'em. Oh, +they like him well enough, call him 'Father' real tenderly, and see +that he changes to the heavy flannels on time, but he don't ever thrill +them, and when they order three hundred and fifty dollars' worth of duds +from the Boston Cash Emporium and dress up like a foreign countess, they +don't do it for Father, they do it for the romantic guy in the magazine +serial they're reading, the handsome, cynical adventurer that has such +an awful power over women. They know darned well they won't ever meet +him; still it's just as well to be ready in case he ever should make Red +Gap--or wherever they live--and it's easy with the charge account there, +and Father never fussing more than a little about the bills. + +"Not that I blame 'em. We're all alike--innocent enough, with freaks +here and there that ain't. Why, I remember about a thousand years ago I +was reading a book called 'Lillian's Honour,' in which the rightful earl +didn't act like an earl had ought to, but went travelling off over the +moors with a passel of gypsies, with all the she-gypsies falling in love +with him, and no wonder--he was that dashing. Well, I used to think what +might happen if he should come along while Lysander John was out with +the beef round-up or something. I was well-meaning, understand, but at +that I'd ought to have been laid out with a pick-handle. Oh, the nicest +of us got specks inside us--if ever we did cut loose the best one of us +would make the worst man of you look like nothing worse than a naughty +little boy cutting up in Sunday-school. What holds us, of course--we +always dream of being took off our feet; of being carried off by main +force against our wills while we snuggle up to the romantic brute and +plead with him to spare us--and the most reckless of 'em don't often get +their nerve up to that. Well, as I was saying--" + +But she was not saying. The thing moved too slowly. And still the woman +paltered with her poisoned tea and made cigarettes and muttered +inconsequently, as when she now broke out after a glance at the +photograph: + +"That Ben Sutton certainly runs amuck when he buys his vests. He must +have about fifty, and the quietest one in the lot would make a leopard +skin look like a piker." Again her glance dreamed off to visions. + +I seated myself before her with some emphasis and said firmly: "Now, +then!" It worked. + +"Wilfred Lennox," she began, "calling himself the hobo poet, gets into +Red Gap one day and makes the rounds with that there piece of poetry you +see; pushes into stores and offices and hands the piece out, and like as +not they crowd a dime or two bits onto him and send him along. That's +what I done. I was waiting in Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale's office for a +little painless dentistry, and I took Wilfred's poem and passed him a +two-bit piece, and Doc Martingale does the same, and Wilfred blew on to +the next office. A dashing and romantic figure he was, though kind of +fat and pasty for a man that was walking from coast to coast, but a +smooth talker with beautiful features and about nine hundred dollars' +worth of hair and a soft hat and one of these flowing neckties. Red it +was. + +"So I looked over his piece of poetry--about the open road for his +untamed spirit and him being stifled in the cramped haunts of men--and +of course I get his number. All right about the urge of the wild to her +wayward child, but here he was spending a lot of time in the cramped +haunts of men taking their small change away from 'em and not seeming to +stifle one bit. + +"Ain't this new style of tramp funny? Now instead of coming round to the +back door and asking for a hand-out like any self-respecting tramp had +ought to, they march up to the front door, and they're somebody with two +or three names that's walking round the world on a wager they made with +one of the Vanderbilt boys or John D. Rockefeller. They've walked +thirty-eight hundred miles already and got the papers to prove it--a +letter from the mayor of Scranton, Pennsylvania, and the mayor of +Davenport, Iowa, a picture post card of themselves on the courthouse +steps at Denver, and they've bet forty thousand dollars they could start +out without a cent and come back in twenty-two months with money in +their pocket--and ain't it a good joke?--with everybody along the way +entering into the spirit of it and passing them quarters and such, and +thank you very much for your two bits for the picture post card--and +they got another showing 'em in front of the Mormon Tabernacle at Salt +Lake City, if you'd like that, too--and thank you again--and now they'll +be off once more to the open road and the wild, free life. Not! Yes, two +or three good firm Nots. Having milked the town they'll be right down to +the dee-po with their silver changed to bills, waiting for No. 6 to come +along, and ho! for the open railroad and another town that will skin +pretty. I guess I've seen eight or ten of them boys in the last five +years, with their letters from mayors. + +"But this here Wilfred Lennox had a new graft. He was the first I'd give +up to for mere poetry. He didn't have a single letter from a mayor, nor +even a picture card of himself standing with his hat off in front of +Pike's Peak--nothing but poetry. But, as I said, he was there with a +talk about pining for the open road and despising the cramped haunts of +men, and he had appealing eyes and all this flowing hair and necktie. So +I says to myself: 'All right, Wilfred, you win!' and put my purse back +in my bag and thought no more of it. + +"Yet not so was it to be. Wilfred, working the best he could to make a +living doing nothing, pretty soon got to the office of Alonzo Price, +Choice Improved Real Estate and Price's Addition. Lon was out for the +moment, but who should be there waiting for him but his wife, Mrs. +Henrietta Templeton Price, recognized leader of our literary and +artistic set. Or I think they call it a 'group' or a 'coterie' or +something. Setting at Lon's desk she was, toying petulantly with horrid +old pens and blotters, and probably bestowing glances of disrelish from +time to time round the grimy office where her scrubby little husband +toiled his days away in unromantic squalor. + +"I got to tell you about Henrietta. She's one of them like I just said +the harsh things about, with the secret cry in her heart for romance and +adventure and other forbidden things and with a kindly contempt for +peaceful Alonzo. She admits to being thirty-six, so you can figure it +out for yourself. Of course she gets her husband wrong at that, as women +so often do. Alonzo has probably the last pair of side whiskers outside +of a steel engraving and stands five feet two, weighing a hundred and +twenty-six pounds at the ring side, but he's game as a swordfish, and as +for being romantic in the true sense of the word--well, no one that ever +heard him sell a lot in Price's Addition--three miles and a half up on +the mesa, with only the smoke of the canning factory to tell a body they +was still near the busy haunts of men, that and a mile of concrete +sidewalk leading a life of complete idleness--I say no one that ever +listened to Lon sell a lot up there, pointing out on a blue print the +proposed site of the Carnegie Library, would accuse him of not being +romantic. + +"But of course Henrietta never sees Lon's romance and he ain't always +had the greatest patience with hers--like the time she got up the Art +Loan Exhibit to get new books for the M.E. Sabbath-school library and +got Spud Mulkins of the El Adobe to lend 'em the big gold-framed oil +painting that hangs over his bar. Some of the other ladies objected to +this--the picture was a big pink hussy lying down beside the +ocean--but Henrietta says art for art's sake is pure to them that are +pure, or something, and they're doing such things constantly in the +East; and I'm darned if Spud didn't have his oil painting down and the +mosquito netting ripped off it before Alonzo heard about it and put the +Not-at-All on it. He wouldn't reason with Henrietta either. He just said +his objection was that every man that saw it would put one foot up +groping for the brass railing, which would be undignified for a +Sabbath-school scheme, and that she'd better hunt out something with +clothes on like Whistler's portrait of his mother, or, if she wanted the +nude in art, to get the Horse Fair or something with animals. + +"I tell you that to show you how they don't hit it off sometimes. Then +Henrietta sulks. Kind of pinched and hungry looking she is, drapes her +black hair down over one side of her high forehead, wears daring +gowns--that's what she calls 'em anyway--and reads the most outrageous +kinds of poetry out loud to them that will listen. Likes this Omar +Something stuff about your path being beset with pitfalls and gin fizzes +and getting soused out under a tree with your girl. + +"I'm just telling you so you'll get Henrietta when Wilfred Lennox drips +gracefully in with his piece of poetry in one hand. Of course she must +have looked long and nervously at Wilfred, then read his poetry, then +looked again. There before her was Romance against a background of +Alonzo Price, who never had an adventurous or evil thought in his life, +and wore rubbers! Oh, sure! He must have palsied her at once, this wild, +free creature of the woods who couldn't stand the cramped haunts of men. +And I have said that Wilfred was there with the wild, free words about +himself, and the hat and tie and the waving brown hair that give him so +much trouble. Shucks! I don't blame the woman. It's only a few years +since we been let out from under lock and key. Give us a little time to +get our bearings, say I. Wilfred was just one big red splash before her +yearning eyes; he blinded her. And he stood there telling how this here +life in the marts of trade would sure twist and blacken some of the very +finest chords in his being. Something like that it must have been. + +"Anyway, about a quarter to six a procession went up Fourth Street, +consisting of Wilfred Lennox, Henrietta, and Alonzo. The latter was +tripping along about three steps back of the other two and every once in +a while he would stop for a minute and simply look puzzled. I saw him. +It's really a great pity Lon insists on wearing a derby hat with his +side whiskers. To my mind the two never seem meant for each other. + +"The procession went to the Price mansion up on Ophir Avenue. And that +evening Henrietta had in a few friends to listen to the poet recite his +verses and tell anecdotes about himself. About five or six ladies in +the parlour and their menfolks smoking out on the front porch. The men +didn't seem to fall for Wilfred's open-road stuff the way the ladies +did. Wilfred was a good reciter and held the ladies with his voice and +his melting blue eyes with the long lashes, and Henrietta was envied for +having nailed him. That is, the women envied her. The men sort of +slouched off down to the front gate and then went down to the Temperance +Billiard Parlour, where several of 'em got stewed. Most of 'em, like old +Judge Ballard, who come to the country in '62, and Jeff Tuttle, who's +always had more than he wanted of the open road, were very cold indeed +to Wilfred's main proposition. It is probable that low mutterings might +have been heard among 'em, especially after a travelling man that was +playing pool said the hobo poet had come in on the Pullman of No. 6. + +"But I must say that Alonzo didn't seem to mutter any, from all I could +hear. Pathetic, the way that little man will believe right up to the +bitter end. He said that for a hobo Wilfred wrote very good poetry, +better than most hobos could write, he thought, and that Henrietta +always knew what she was doing. So the evening come to a peaceful end, +most of the men getting back for their wives and Alonzo showing up in +fair shape and plumb eager for the comfort of his guest. It was Alonzo's +notion that the guest would of course want to sleep out in the front +yard on the breast of old earth where he could look up at the pretty +stars and feel at home, and he was getting out a roll of blankets when +the guest said he didn't want to make the least bit of trouble and for +one night he'd manage to sleep inside four stifling walls in a regular +bed, like common people do. So Lon bedded him down in the guest chamber, +but opened up the four windows in it and propped the door wide open so +the poor fellow could have a breeze and not smother. He told this +downtown the next morning, and he was beginning to look right puzzled +indeed. He said the wayward child of Nature had got up after about half +an hour and shut all the windows and the door. Lon thought first he was +intending to commit suicide, but he didn't like to interfere. He was +telling Jeff Tuttle and me about it when we happened to pass his office. + +"'And there's another funny thing,'" he says. 'This chap was telling us +all the way up home last night that he never ate meat--simply fruits and +nuts with a mug of spring water. He said eating the carcasses of +murdered beasts was abhorrent to him. But when we got down to the table +he consented to partake of the roast beef and he did so repeatedly. We +usually have cold meat for lunch the day after a rib roast, but there +will be something else to-day; and along with the meat he drank two +bottles of beer, though with mutterings of disgust. He said spring water +in the hills was pure, but that water out of pipes was full of typhoid +germs. He admitted that there were times when the grosser appetites +assailed him. And they assailed him this morning, too. He said he might +bring himself to eat some chops, and he did it without scarcely a +struggle. He ate six. He said living the nauseous artificial life even +for one night brought back the hateful meat craving. I don't know. He is +undeniably peculiar. And of course you've heard about Pettikin's affair +for this evening?' + +"We had. Just before leaving the house I had received Henrietta's card +inviting me to the country club that evening 'to meet Mr. Wilfred +Lennox, Poet and Nature Lover, who will recite his original verses and +give a brief talk on "The World's Debt to Poetry."' And there you have +the whole trouble. Henrietta should have known better. But I've let out +what women really are. I told Alonzo I would sure be among those +present, I said it sounded good. And then Alonzo pipes up about Ben +Sutton coming to town on the eleven forty-two from the West. Ben makes a +trip out of Alaska every summer and never fails to stop off a day or two +with Lon, they having been partners up North in '98. + +"'Good old Ben will enjoy it, too,' says Alonzo; 'and, furthermore, Ben +will straighten out one or two little things that have puzzled me about +this poet. He will understand his complex nature in a way that I confess +I have been unequal to. What I mean is,' he says, 'there was talk when I +left this morning of the poet consenting to take a class in poetry for +several weeks in our thriving little city, and Henrietta was urging him +to make our house his home. I have a sort of feeling that Ben will be +able to make several suggestions of prime value. I have never known him +to fail at making suggestions.' + +"Funny, the way the little man tried to put it over on us, letting on he +was just puzzled--not really bothered, as he plainly was. You knew +Henrietta was still seeing the big red splash of Romance, behind which +the figure of her husband was totally obscured. Jeff Tuttle saw the +facts, and he up and spoke in a very common way about what would quickly +happen to any tramp that tried to camp in his house, poet or no poet, +but that's neither here nor there. We left Alonzo looking cheerily +forward to Ben Sutton on the eleven forty-two, and I went on to do some +errands. + +"In the course of these I discovered that others besides Henrietta had +fell hard for the poet of Nature. I met Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale +and she just bubbles about him, she having been at the Prices' the night +before. + +"'Isn't he a glorious thing!' she says; 'and how grateful we should be +for the dazzling bit of colour he brings into our drab existence!' She +is a good deal like that herself at times. And I met Beryl Mae Macomber, +a well known young society girl of seventeen, and Beryl Mae says: 'He's +awfully good looking, but do you think he's sincere?' And even Mrs. +Judge Ballard comes along and says: 'What a stimulus he should be to us +in our dull lives! How he shows us the big, vital bits!' and her at that +very minute going into Bullitt & Fleishacker's to buy shoes for her +nine year old twin grandsons! And the Reverend Mrs. Wiley Knapp in at +the Racquet Store wanting to know if the poet didn't make me think of +some wild, free creature of the woods--a deer or an antelope poised for +instant flight while for one moment he timidly overlooked man in his +hideous commercialism. But, of course, she was a minister's wife. I said +he made me feel just like that. I said so to all of 'em. What else could +I say? If I'd said what I thought there on the street I'd of been +pinched. So I beat it home in self-protection. I was sympathizing good +and hearty with Lon Price by that time and looking forward to Ben Sutton +myself. I had a notion Ben would see the right of it where these poor +dubs of husbands wouldn't--or wouldn't dast say it if they did. + +"About five o'clock I took another run downtown for some things I'd +forgot, with an eye out to see how Alonzo and Ben might be coming on. +The fact is, seeing each other only once a year that way they're apt to +kind of loosen up--if you know what I mean. + +"No sign of 'em at first. Nothing but ladies young and old--even some of +us older ranching set--making final purchases of ribbons and such for +the sole benefit of Wilfred Lennox, and talking in a flushed manner +about him whenever they met. Almost every darned one of 'em had made it +a point to stroll past the Price mansion that afternoon where Wilfred +was setting out on the lawn, in a wicker chair with some bottles of beer +surveying Nature with a look of lofty approval and chatting with +Henrietta about the real things of life. + +"Beryl Mae Macomber had traipsed past four times, changing her clothes +twice with a different shade of ribbon across her forehead and all her +college pins on, and at last she'd simply walked right in and asked if +she hadn't left her tennis racquet there last Tuesday. She says to Mrs. +Judge Ballard and Mrs. Martingale and me in the Cut-Rate Pharmacy, she +says: 'Oh, he's just awfully magnetic--but do you really think he's +sincere?' Then she bought an ounce of Breath of Orient perfume and kind +of two-stepped out. These other ladies spoke very sharply about the +freedom Beryl Mae's aunt allowed her. Mrs. Martingale said the poet, it +was true, had a compelling personality, but what was our young girls +coming to? And if that child was hers-- + +"So I left these two lady highbinders and went on into the retail side +of the Family Liquor Store to order up some cooking sherry, and there +over the partition from the bar side what do I hear but Alonzo Price and +Ben Sutton! Right off I could tell they'd been pinning a few on. In +fact, Alonzo was calling the bartender Mister. You don't know about Lon, +but when he calls the bartender Mister the ship has sailed. Ten minutes +after that he'll be crying over his operation. So I thought quick, +remembering that we had now established a grillroom at the country club, +consisting of a bar and three tables with bells on them, and a +Chinaman, and that if Alonzo and Ben Sutton come there at all they had +better come right--at least to start with. When I'd given my order I +sent Louis Meyer in to tell the two gentlemen a lady wished to speak to +them outside. + +"In a minute Ben comes out alone. He was awful glad to see me and I said +how well he looked, and he did look well, sort of cordial and +bulging--his forehead bulges and his eyes bulge and his moustache and +his chin, and he has cushions on his face. He beamed on me in a wide and +hearty manner and explained that Alonzo refused to come out to meet a +lady until he knew who she was, because you got to be careful in a small +town like this where every one talks. 'And besides,' says Ben, 'he's +just broke down and begun to cry about his appendicitis that was three +years ago. He's leaning his head on his arms down by the end of the bar +and sobbing bitterly over it. He seems to grieve about it as a personal +loss. I've tried to cheer him up and told him it was probably all for +the best, but he says when it comes over him this way he simply can't +stand it. And what shall I do?' + +"Well, of course I seen the worst had happened with Alonzo. So I says to +Ben: 'You know there's a party to-night and if that man ain't seen to he +will certainly sink the ship. Now you get him out of that swamp and I'll +think of something.' 'I'll do it,' says Ben, turning sideways so he +could go through the doorway again. 'I'll do it,' he says, 'if I have to +use force on the little scoundrel.' + +"And sure enough, in a minute he edged out again with Alonzo firmly +fastened to him in some way. Lon hadn't wanted to come and didn't want +to stay now, but he simply couldn't move. Say, that Ben Sutton would +make an awful grand anchor for a captive balloon. Alonzo wiped his eyes +until he could see who I was. Then I rebuked him, reminding him of his +sacred duties as a prominent citizen, a husband, and the secretary of +the Red Gap Chamber of Commerce. 'Of course it's all right to take a +drink now and then,' I says. + +"Alonzo brightened at this. 'Good!' says he; 'now it's now and pretty +soon it will be then. Let's go into a saloon or something like that!' + +"'You'll come with me,' I says firmly. And I marched 'em down to the +United States Grill, where I ordered tea and toast for 'em. Ben was +sensible enough, but Alonzo was horrified at the thought of tea. 'It's +tea or nice cold water for yours,' I says, and that set him off again. +'Water!' he sobs. 'Water! Water! Maybe you don't know that some dear +cousins of mine have just lost their all in the Dayton flood--twenty +years' gathering went in a minute, just like that!' and he tried to snap +his fingers. All the same I got some hot tea into him and sent for Eddie +Pierce to be out in front with his hack. While we was waiting for Eddie +it occurs to Alonzo to telephone his wife. He come back very solemn and +says: 'I told her I wouldn't be home to dinner because I was hungry and +there probably wouldn't be enough meat, what with a vegetarian poet in +the house. I told her I should sink to the level of a brute in the night +life of our gay little city. I said I was a wayward child of Nature +myself if you come right down to it.' + +"'Good for you,' I says, having got word that Eddie is outside with his +hack. 'And now for the open road!' 'Fine!' says Alonzo. 'My spirit is +certainly feeling very untamed, like some poet's!' So I hustled 'em out +and into the four wheeler. Then I give Eddie Pierce private +instructions. 'Get 'em out into the hills about four miles,' I says, +'out past the Catholic burying ground, then make an excuse that your +hack has broke down, and as soon as they set foot to the ground have +them skates of yours run away. Pay no attention whatever to their +pleadings or their profane threats, only yelling to 'em that you'll be +back as soon as possible. But don't go back. They'll wait an hour or so, +then walk. And they need to walk.' + +"'You said something there,' says Eddie, glancing back at 'em. Ben +Sutton was trying to cheer Alonzo up by reminding him of the Christmas +night they went to sleep in the steam room of the Turkish bath at Nome, +and the man forgot 'em and shut off the steam and they froze to the +benches and had to be chiselled off. And Eddie trotted off with his +load. You'd ought to seen the way the hack sagged down on Ben's side. +And I felt that I had done a good work, so I hurried home to get a bite +to eat and dress and make the party, which I still felt would be a good +party even if the husband of our hostess was among the killed or +missing. + +"I reached the clubhouse at eight o'clock of that beautiful June +evening, to find the party already well assembled on the piazza and the +front steps or strolling about the lawn, about eight or ten of our +prominent society matrons and near as many husbands. And mebbe those +dames hadn't lingered before their mirrors for final touches! Mrs. +Martingale had on all her rings and the jade bracelet and the art-craft +necklace with amethysts, and Mrs. Judge Ballard had done her hair a new +way, and Beryl Mae Macomber, there with her aunt, not only had a new +scarf with silver stars over her frail young shoulders and a band of +cherry coloured velvet across her forehead, but she was wearing the +first ankle watch ever seen in Red Gap. I couldn't begin to tell you the +fussy improvements them ladies had made in themselves--and all, mind +you, for the passing child of Nature who had never paid a bill for 'em +in his life. + +"Oh, it was a gay, careless throng with the mad light of pleasure in its +eyes, and all of 'em milling round Wilfred Lennox, who was eating it up. +Some bantered him roguishly and some spoke in chest tones of what was +the real inner meaning of life after all. Henrietta Templeton Price +hovered near with the glad light of capture in her eyes. Silent but +proud Henrietta was, careless but superior, reminding me of the hunter +that has his picture taken over in Africa with one negligent foot on +the head of a two-horned rhinoceros he's just killed. + +"But again the husbands was kind of lurking in the background, bunched +up together. They seemed abashed by this strange frenzy of their +womenfolks. How'd they know, the poor dubs, that a poet wasn't something +a business man had ought to be polite and grovelling to? They affected +an easy manner, but it was poor work. Even Judge Ballard, who seems nine +feet tall in his Prince Albert, and usually looks quite dignified and +hostile with his long dark face and his moustache and goatee--even the +good old judge was rattled after a brief and unhappy effort to hold a +bit of converse with the guest of honour. Him and Jeff Tuttle went to +the grillroom twice in ten minutes. The judge always takes his with a +dash of pepper sauce in it, but now it only seemed to make him more +gloomy. + +"Well, I was listening along, feeling elated that I'd put Alonzo and Ben +Sutton out of the way and wondering when the show would begin--Beryl Mae +in her high, innocent voice had just said to the poet: 'But seriously +now, are you sincere?' and I was getting some plenty of that, when up +the road in the dusk I seen Bush Jones driving a dray-load of furniture. +I wondered where in time any family could be moving out that way. I +didn't know any houses beyond the club and I was pondering about this, +idly as you might say, when Bush Jones pulls his team up right in front +of the clubhouse, and there on the load is the two I had tried to lose. +In a big armchair beside a varnished centre table sits Ben Sutton +reading something that I recognized as the yellow card with Wilfred's +verses on it. And across the dray from him on a red-plush sofa is Alonzo +Price singing 'My Wild Irish Rose' in a very noisy tenor. + +"Well, sir, I could have basted that fool Bush Jones with one of his own +dray stakes. That man's got an intellect just powerful enough to take +furniture from one house to another if the new address ain't too hard +for him to commit to memory. That's Bush Jones all right! He has the +machinery for thinking, but it all glitters as new as the day it was put +in. So he'd come a mile out of his way with these two riots--and people +off somewhere wondering where that last load of things was! + +"The ladies all affected to ignore this disgraceful spectacle, with +Henrietta sinking her nails into her bloodless palms, but the men broke +out and cheered a little in a half-scared manner and some of 'em went +down to help the newcomers climb out. Then Ben had words with Bush Jones +because he wanted him to wait there and take 'em back to town when the +party was over and Bush refused to wait. After suffering about twenty +seconds in the throes of mental effort I reckon he discovered that he +had business to attend to or was hungry or something. Anyway, Ben paid +him some money finally and he drove off after calling out 'Good-night, +all!' just as if nothing had happened. + +"Alonzo and Ben Sutton joined the party without further formality. They +didn't look so bad, either, so I saw my crooked work had done some good. +Lon quit singing almost at once and walked good and his eyes didn't +wabble, and he looked kind of desperate and respectable, and Ben was +first-class, except he was slightly oratorical and his collar had melted +the way fat men's do. And it was funny to see how every husband there +bucked up when Ben came forward, as if all they had wanted was some one +to make medicine for 'em before they begun the war dance. They mooched +right up round Ben when he trampled a way into the flushed group about +Wilfred. + +"'At last the well-known stranger!' says Ben cordially, seizing one of +Wilfred's pale, beautiful hands. 'I've been hearing so much of you, +wayward child of the open road that you are, and I've just been reading +your wonderful verses as I sat in my library. The woods and the hills +for your spirit untamed and the fire of youth to warm your +nights--that's the talk.' He paused and waved Wilfred's verses in a fat, +freckled hand. Then he looked at him hard and peculiar and says: 'When +you going to pull some of it for us?' + +"Wilfred had looked slightly rattled from the beginning. Now he smiled, +but only with his lips--he made it seem like a mere Swedish exercise or +something, and the next second his face looked as if it had been sewed +up for the winter. + +"'Little starry-eyed gypsy, I say, when are you going to pull some of +that open-road stuff?' says Ben again, all cordial and sinister. + +"Wilfred gulped and tried to be jaunty. 'Oh, as to that, I'm here to-day +and there to-morrow,' he murmurs, and nervously fixes his necktie. + +"'Oh, my, and isn't that nice!' says Ben heartily--'the urge of the wild +to her wayward child'--I know you're a slave to it. And now you're going +to tell us all about the open road, and then you and I are going to have +an intimate chat and I'll tell you about it--about some of the dearest +little open roads you ever saw, right round in these parts. I've just +counted nine, all leading out of town to the cunningest mountains and +glens that would make you write poetry hours at a time, with Nature's +glad fruits and nuts and a mug of spring water and some bottled beer and +a ham and some rump steak--' + +"The stillness of that group had become darned painful, I want to tell +you. There was a horrid fear that Ben Sutton might go too far, even for +a country club. Every woman was shuddering and smiling in a painful +manner, and the men regarding Ben with glistening eyes. And Ben felt it +himself all at once. So he says: 'But I fear I am detaining you,' and +let go of the end of Wilfred's tie that he had been toying with in a +somewhat firm manner. 'Let us be on with your part of the evening's +entertainment,' he says, 'but don't forget, gypsy wilding that you are, +that you and I must have a chat about open roads the moment you have +finished. I know we are cramping you. By that time you will be feeling +the old, restless urge and you might take a road that wasn't open if I +didn't direct you.' + +"He patted Wilfred loudly on the back a couple of times and Wilfred +ducked the third pat and got out of the group, and the ladies all began +to flurry their voices about the lovely June evening but wouldn't it be +pleasanter inside, and Henrietta tragically called from the doorway to +come at once, for God's sake, so they all went at once, with the men +only half trailing, and inside we could hear 'em fixing chairs round and +putting out a table for the poet to stand by, and so forth. + +"Alonzo, however, had not trailed. He was over on the steps holding +Beryl Mae Macomber by her new scarf and telling her how flowerlike her +beauty was. And old Judge Ballard was holding about half the men, +including Ben Sutton, while he made a speech. I hung back to listen. +'Sir,' he was saying to Ben, 'Secretary Seward some years since +purchased your territory from Russia for seven million dollars despite +the protests of a clamorous and purblind opposition. How niggardly seems +that purchase price at this moment! For Alaska has perfected you, sir, +if it did not produce you. Gentlemen, I feel that we dealt unfairly by +Russia. But that is in the dead past. It is not too late, however, to +tiptoe to the grillroom and offer a toast to our young sister of the +snows.' + +"There was subdued cheers and they tiptoed. Ben Sutton was telling the +judge that he felt highly complimented, but it was a mistake to ring in +that snow stuff on Alaska. She'd suffered from it too long. He was going +on to paint Alaska as something like Alabama--cooler nights, of course, +but bracing. Alonzo still had Beryl Mae by the scarf, telling her how +flowerlike her beauty was. + +"I went into the big room, picking a chair over by the door so I could +keep tabs on that grillroom. Only three or four of the meekest husbands +had come with us. And Wilfred started. I'll do him the justice to say he +was game. The ladies thought anything bordering on roughness was all +over, but Wilfred didn't. When he'd try to get a far-away look in his +eyes while he was reciting his poetry he couldn't get it any farther +away than the grillroom door. He was nervous but determined, for there +had been notice given of a silver offering for him. He recited the +verses on the card and the ladies all thrilled up at once, including +Beryl Mae, who'd come in without her scarf. They just clenched their +hands and hung on Wilfred's wild, free words. + +"And after the poetry he kind of lectured about how man had ought to +break away from the vile cities and seek the solace of great Mother +Nature, where his bruised spirit could be healed and the veneer of +civilization cast aside and the soul come into its own, and things like +that. And he went on to say that out in the open the perspective of life +is broadened and one is a laughing philosopher as long as the blue sky +is overhead and the green grass underfoot. 'To lie,' says he, 'with +relaxed muscles on the carpet of pine needles and look up through the +gently swaying branches of majestic trees at the fleecy white clouds, +dreaming away the hours far from the sordid activities of the market +place, is one of the best nerve tonics in all the world.' It was an +unfortunate phrase for Wilfred, because some of the husbands had tiptoed +out of the grillroom to listen, and there was a hearty cheer at this, +led by Jeff Tuttle. 'Sure! Some nerve tonic!' they called out, and +laughed coarsely. Then they rushed back to the grillroom without +tiptoeing. + +"The disgraceful interruption was tactfully covered by Wilfred and his +audience. He took a sip from the glass of water and went on to talk +about the world's debt to poetry. Then I sneaked out to the grillroom +myself. By this time the Chinaman had got tangled up with the orders and +was putting out drinks every which way. And they was being taken +willingly. Judge Ballard and Ben Sutton was now planting cotton in +Alaska and getting good crops every year, and Ben was also promising to +send the judge a lovely spotted fawnskin vest that an Indian had made +for him, but made too small--not having more than six or eight fawns, I +judged. And Alonzo had got a second start. Still he wasn't so bad yet, +with Beryl Mae's scarf over his arm, and talking of the unparalleled +beauties of Price's Addition to Red Gap, which he said he wouldn't trade +even for the whole of Alaska if it was offered to him to-morrow--not +that Ben Sutton wasn't the whitest soul God ever made and he'd like to +hear some one say different--and so on. + +"I mixed in with 'em and took a friendly drink myself, with the aim of +smoothing things down, but I saw it would be delicate work. About all I +could do was keep 'em reminded there was ladies present and it wasn't a +barroom where anything could be rightly started. Doc Martingale's +feelings was running high, too, account, I suppose, of certain +full-hearted things his wife had blurted out to him about the hypnotic +eyes of this here Nature lover. He was quiet enough, but vicious, acting +like he'd love to do some dental work on the poet that might or might +not be painless for all he cared a hoot. He was taking his own drinks +all alone, like clockwork--moody but systematic. + +"Then we hear chairs pushed round in the other room and the chink of +silver to be offered to the poet, and Henrietta come out to give word +for the refreshments to be served. She found Alonzo in the hallway +telling Beryl Mae how flowerlike her beauty was and giving her the elk's +tooth charm off his watch chain. Beryl Mae was giggling heartily until +she caught Henrietta's eye--like a cobra's. + +"The refreshments was handed round peaceful enough, with the ladies +pressing sardine sandwiches and chocolate cake and cups of coffee on to +Wilfred and asking him interesting questions about his adventurous life +in the open. And the plans was all made for his class in poetry to be +held at Henrietta's house, where the lady subscribers for a few weeks +could come into contact with the higher realities of life, at eight +dollars for the course, and Wilfred was beginning to cheer up again, +though still subject to dismay when one of the husbands would glare in +at him from the hall, and especially when Ben Sutton would look in with +his bulging and expressive eyes and kind of bark at him. + +"Then Ben Sutton come and stood in the doorway till he caught Wilfred's +eye and beckoned to him. Wilfred pretended not to notice the first time, +but Ben beckoned a little harder, so Wilfred excused himself to the six +or eight ladies and went out. It seemed to me he first looked quick +round him to make sure there wasn't any other way out. I was standing in +the hall when Ben led him tenderly into the grillroom with two fingers. + +"'Here is our well-known poet and _bon vivant_,' says Ben to Alonzo, who +had followed 'em in. So Alonzo bristles up to Wilfred and glares at him +and says: 'All joking aside, is that one of my new shirts you're wearing +or is it not?' + +"Wilfred gasped a couple times and says: 'Why, as to that, you see, the +madam insisted--' + +"Alonzo shut him off. 'How dare you drag a lady's name into a barroom +brawl?' says he. + +"'Don't shoot in here,' says Ben. 'You'd scare the ladies.' + +"Wilfred went pasty, indeed, thinking his host was going to gun him. + +"'Oh, very well, I won't then,' says Alonzo. 'I guess I can be a +gentleman when necessary. But all joking aside, I want to ask him this: +Does he consider poetry to be an accomplishment or a vice?' + +"'I was going to put something like that to him myself, only I couldn't +think of it,' says Doc Martingale, edging up and looking quite +restrained and nervous in the arms. I was afraid of the doc. I was +afraid he was going to blemish Wilfred a couple of times right there. + +"'An accomplishment or a vice? Answer yes or no!' orders the judge in a +hard voice. + +"The poet looks round at 'em and attempts to laugh merrily, but he only +does it from the teeth out. + +"'Laugh on, my proud beauty!' says Ben Sutton. Then he turns to the +bunch. 'What we really ought to do,' he says, 'we ought to make a +believer of him right here and now.' + +"Even then, mind you, the husbands would have lost their nerve if Ben +hadn't took the lead. Ben didn't have to live with their wives so what +cared he? Wilfred Lennox sort of shuffled his feet and smiled a smile of +pure anxiety. He knew some way that this was nothing to cheer about. + +"'I got it,' says Jeff Tuttle with the air of a thinker. 'We're cramping +the poor cuss here. What he wants is the open road.' + +"'What he really wants,' says Alonzo, 'is about six bottles of my pure, +sparkling beer, but maybe he'll take the open road if we show him a good +one.' + +"'He wants the open road--show him a good one!' yells the other husbands +in chorus. It was kind of like a song. + +"'I had meant to be on my way,' says Wilfred very cold and lofty. + +"'You're here to-day and there to-morrow,' says Ben; 'but how can you be +there to-morrow if you don't start from here now?--for the way is long +and lonely.' + +"'I was about to start,' says Wilfred, getting in a couple of steps +toward the door. + +"''Tis better so,' says Ben. 'This is no place for a county recorder's +son, and there's a bully road out here open at both ends.' + +"They made way for the poet, and a sickening silence reigned. Even the +women gathered about the door of the other room was silent. They knew +the thing had got out of their hands. The men closed in after Wilfred as +he reached the steps. He there took his soft hat out from under his coat +where he'd cached it. He went cautiously down the steps. Beryl Mae broke +the silence. + +"'Oh, Mr. Price,' says she, catching Alonzo by the sleeve, 'do you think +he's really sincere?' + +"'He is at this moment,' says Alonzo. 'He's behaving as sincerely as +ever I saw a man behave.' And just then at the foot of the steps Wilfred +made a tactical error. He started to run. The husbands and Ben Sutton +gave the long yell and went in pursuit. Wilfred would have left them all +if he hadn't run into the tennis net. He come down like a sack of meal. + +"'There!' says Ben Sutton. 'Now he's done it--broke his neck or +something. That's the way with some men--they'll try anything to get a +laugh.' + +"They went and picked the poet up. He was all right, only dazed. + +"'But that's one of the roads that ain't open,' says Ben. 'And besides, +you was going right toward the nasty old railroad that runs into the +cramped haunts of men. You must have got turned round. Here'--he pointed +out over the golf links--'it's off that way that Mother Nature awaits +her wayward child. Miles and miles of her--all open. Doesn't your gypsy +soul hear the call? This way for the hills and glens, thou star-eyed +woodling!' and he gently led Wilfred off over the links, the rest of the +men trailing after and making some word racket, believe me. They was all +good conversationalists at the moment. Doc Martingale was wanting the +poet to run into the tennis net again, just for fun, and Jeff Tuttle +says make him climb a tree like the monkeys do in their native glades, +but Ben says just keep him away from the railroad, that's all. Good +Mother Nature will attend to the rest. + +"The wives by now was huddled round the side of the clubhouse, too +scared to talk much, just muttering incoherently and wringing their +hands, and Beryl Mae pipes up and says: 'Oh, perhaps I wronged him +after all; perhaps deep down in his heart he was sincere.' + +"The moon had come up now and we could see the mob with its victim +starting off toward the Canadian Rockies. Then all at once they began to +run, and I knew Wilfred had made another dash for liberty. Pretty soon +they scattered out and seemed to be beating up the shrubbery down by the +creek. And after a bit some of 'em straggled back. They paid no +attention to us ladies, but made for the grillroom. + +"'We lost him in that brush beyond the fifth hole,' says Alonzo. 'None +of us is any match for him on level ground, but we got some good +trackers and we're guarding the line to keep him headed off from the +railroad and into his beloved hills.' + +"'We should hurry back with refreshment for the faithful watchers,' says +Judge Ballard. 'The fellow will surely try to double back to the +railroad.' + +"'Got to keep him away from the cramped haunts of business men,' says +Alonzo brightly. + +"'I wish Clay, my faithful old hound, were still alive,' says the judge +wistfully. + +"'Say, I got a peach of a terrier down to the house right now,' says +Jeff Tuttle, 'but he's only trained for bear--I never tried him on +poets.' + +"'He might tree him at that,' says Doc Martingale. + +"'Percy,' cries his wife, 'have you forgotten your manhood?' + +"'Yes,' says Percy. + +"'Darling,' calls Henrietta, 'will you listen to reason a moment?' + +"'No,' says Alonzo. + +"'It's that creature from Alaska leading them on,' says Mrs. Judge +Ballard--'that overdressed drunken rowdy!' + +"Ben Sutton looked right hurt at this. He buttoned his coat over his +checked vest and says: 'I take that unkindly, madam--calling me +overdressed. I selected this suiting with great care. It ain't nice to +call me overdressed. I feel it deeply.' + +"But they was off again before one thing could lead to another, taking +bottles of hard liquor they had uncorked. 'The open road! The open +road!' they yelled as they went. + +"Well, that's about all. Some of the wives begun to straggle off home, +mostly in tears, and some hung round till later. I was one of these, not +wishing to miss anything of an absorbing character. Edgar Tomlinson went +early, too. Edgar writes 'The Lounger in the Lobby' column for the +_Recorder_, and he'd come out to report the entertainment; but at one +o'clock he said it was a case for the sporting editor and he'd try to +get him out before the kill. + +"At different times one or two of the hunters would straggle back for +more drink. They said the quarry was making a long detour round their +left flank, trying his darndest to get to the railroad, but they had +hopes. And they scattered out. Ever and anon you would hear the long +howl of some lone drunkard that had got lost from the pack. + +"About sunup they all found themselves at the railroad track about a +mile beyond the clubhouse, just at the head of Stender's grade. There +they was voting to picket the track for a mile each way when along come +the four-thirty-two way freight. It had slowed up some making the grade, +and while they watched it what should dart out from a bunch of scrub oak +but the active figure of Wilfred Lennox. He made one of them iron +ladders all right and was on top of a car when the train come by, but +none of 'em dast jump it because it had picked up speed again. + +"They said Wilfred stood up and shook both fists at 'em and called 'em +every name he could lay his tongue to--using language so coarse you'd +never think it could have come from a poet's lips. They could see his +handsome face working violently long after they couldn't hear him. Just +my luck! I'm always missing something. + +"So they come grouching back to the clubhouse and I took 'em home to +breakfast. When we got down to the table old Judge Ballard says: 'What +might have been an evening of rare enjoyment was converted into a +detestable failure by that cur. I saw from the very beginning that he +was determined to spoil our fun.' + +"'The joke is sure on us,' says Ben Sutton, 'but I bear him no grudge. +In fact, I did him an injustice. I knew he wasn't a poet, but I didn't +believe he was even a hobo till he jumped that freight.' + +"Alonzo was out in the hall telephoning Henrietta. We could hear his +cheerful voice: 'No, Pettikins, no! It doesn't ache a bit. What's that? +Of course I still do! You are the only woman that ever meant anything to +me. What? What's that? Oh, I may have errant fancies now and again, like +the best of men--you know yourself how sensitive I am to a certain type +of flowerlike beauty--but it never touches my deeper nature. Yes, +certainly, I shall be right up the very minute good old Ben +leaves--to-morrow or next day. What's that? Now, now! Don't do that! +Just the minute he leaves--G'--by.' + +"And the little brute hung up on her!" + + + + +II + +MA PETTENGILL AND THE SONG OF SONGS + + +The hammock between the two jack pines at the back of the Arrowhead +ranch house had lured me to mid--afternoon slumber. The day was hot and +the morning had been toilsome--four miles of trout stream, rocky, +difficult miles. And my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, had +ridden off after luncheon to some remote fastness of her domain, leaving +me and the place somnolent. + +In the shadowed coolness, aching gratefully in many joints, I had +plunged into the hammock's Lethe, swooning shamelessly to a benign +oblivion. Dreamless it must long have been, for the shadows of ranch +house, stable, hay barn, corral, and bunk house were long to the east +when next I observed them. But I fought to this wakefulness through one +of those dreams of a monstrous futility that sometimes madden us from +sleep. Through a fearsome gorge a stream wound and in it I hunted one +certain giant trout. Savagely it took the fly, but always the line broke +when I struck; rather, it dissolved; there would be no resistance. And +the giant fish mocked me each time, jeered and flouted me, came +brazenly to the surface and derided me with antics weirdly human. + +Then, as I persisted, it surprisingly became a musical trout. It +whistled, it played a guitar, it sang. How pathetic our mildly amazed +acceptance of these miracles in dreams! I was only the more determined +to snare a fish that could whistle and sing simultaneously, and +accompany itself on a stringed instrument, and was six feet in length. +It was that by now and ever growing. It seemed only an attractive +novelty and I still believed a brown hackle would suffice. But then I +became aware that this trout, to its stringed accompaniment, ever +whistled and sang one song with a desperate intentness. That song was +"The Rosary." The fish had presumed too far. "This," I shrewdly told +myself, "is almost certainly a dream." The soundless words were magic. +Gorge and stream vanished, the versatile fish faded to blue sky showing +through the green needles of a jack pine. It was a sane world again and +still, I thought, with the shadows of ranch house, stable, hay barn, +corral, and bunk house going long to the east. I stretched in the +hammock, I tingled with a lazy well-being. The world was still; but was +it--quite? + +On a bench over by the corral gate crouched Buck Devine, doing something +needful to a saddle. And as he wrought he whistled. He whistled "The +Rosary" shrilly and with much feeling. Nor was the world still but for +this. From the bunk house came the mellow throbbing of a stringed +instrument, the guitar of Sandy Sawtelle, star rider of the Arrowhead, +temporarily withdrawn from a career of sprightly endeavour by a sprained +ankle and solacing his retirement with music. He was playing "The +Rosary"--very badly indeed, but one knew only too well what he meant. +The two performers were distant enough to be no affront to each other. +The hammock, less happily, was midway between them. + +I sat up with groans. I hated to leave the hammock. + +"The trout also sang it," I reminded myself. Followed the voice, a voice +from the stable, the cracked, whining tenor of a very aged vassal of the +Arrowhead, one Jimmie Time. Jimmie, I gathered, was currying a horse as +he sang, for each bar of the ballad was measured by the double thud of a +currycomb against the side of a stall. Whistle, guitar, and voice now +attacked the thing in differing keys and at varying points. Jimmie might +be said to prevail. There was a fatuous tenderness in his attack and the +thudding currycomb gave it spirit. Nor did he slur any of the affecting +words; they clave the air with an unctuous precision: + + The ow-wurs I spu-hend with thu-hee, dee-yur heart, + (The currycomb: Thud, thud!) + Are as a stru-hing of pur-rulls tuh me-e-e, + (The currycomb: Thud, thud!) + +Came a dramatic and equally soulful interpolation: "Whoa, dang you! You +would, would you? Whoa-a-a, now!" + +Again the melody: + + I count them o-vurr, ev-ry one apar-rut, + (Thud, thud!) + My ro-sah-ree--my ro-sah-ree! + (Thud, thud!) + +Buck Devine still mouthed his woful whistle and Sandy Sawtelle valiantly +strove for the true and just accord of his six strings. It was no place +for a passive soul. I parted swiftly from the hammock and made over the +sun-scorched turf for the ranch house. There was shelter and surcease; +doors and windows might be closed. The unctuous whine of Jimmie Time +pursued me: + + Each ow-wur a pur-rull, each pur-rull a prayer, + (Thud, thud!) + Tuh stu-hill a heart in absence wru-hung, + (Thud, thud!) + +As I reached the hospitable door of the living-room I observed Lew Wee, +Chinese chef of the Arrowhead, engaged in cranking one of those devices +with a musical intention which I have somewhere seen advertised. It is +an important-looking device in a polished mahogany case, and I recall in +the advertisement I saw it was surrounded by a numerous +enthralled-looking family in a costly drawing-room, while the ghost of +Beethoven simpered above it in ineffable benignancy. Something now told +me the worst, even as Lew Wee adjusted the needle to the revolving disk. +I waited for no more than the opening orchestral strains. It is a +leisurely rhythmed cacophony, and I had time to be almost beyond range +ere the voice took up a tale I was hearing too often in one day. Even so +I distantly perceived it to be a fruity contralto voice with an expert +sob. + +A hundred yards in front of the ranch house all was holy peace, peace in +the stilled air, peace dreaming along the neighbouring hills and lying +like a benediction over the wide river-flat below me, through which the +stream wove a shining course. I exulted in it, from the dangers passed. +Then appeared Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill from the fringe of +cottonwoods, jolting a tired horse toward me over the flat. + +"Come have some tea," she cordially boomed as she passed. I returned +uncertainly. Tea? Yes. But--However, the door would be shut and the +Asiatic probably diverted. + +As I came again to the rear of the ranch house Mrs. Pettengill, in khaki +riding breeches, flannel shirt, and the hat of her trade, towered +bulkily as an admirable figure of wrath, one hand on her hip, one +poising a quirt viciously aloft. By the corral gate Buck Devine drooped +cravenly above his damaged saddle; at the door of the bunk house Sandy +Sawtelle tottered precariously on one foot, his guitar under his arm, a +look of guilty horror on his set face. By the stable door stood the +incredibly withered Jimmie Time, shrinking a vast dismay. + +"You hear me!" exploded the infuriated chatelaine, and I knew she was +repeating the phrase. + +"Ain't I got to mend this latigo?" protested Buck Devine piteously. + +"You'll go up the gulch and beyond the dry fork and mend it, if you +whistle that tune again!" + +Sandy Sawtelle rumpled his pink hair to further disorder and found a few +weak words for his conscious guilt. + +"Now, I wasn't aiming to harm anybody, what with with my game laig and +shet up here like I am--" + +"Well, my Lord! Can't you play a sensible tune then?" + +Jimmie Time hereupon behaved craftily. He lifted his head, showing the +face of a boy who had somehow got to be seventy years old without ever +getting to be more than a boy, and began to whistle softly and +innocently--an air of which hardly anything could be definitely said +except that it was not "The Rosary." It was very flagrantly not "The +Rosary." His craft availed him not. + +"Yes, and you, too!" thundered the lady. "You was the worst--you was +singing. Didn't I hear you? How many times I got to tell you? First +thing you know, you little reprobate--" + +Jimmie Time cowered again. Visibly he took on unbelievable years. + +"Yes, ma'am," he whispered. + +"Yes, ma'am," meekly echoed the tottering instrumentalist. + +"Yes, ma'am," muttered Buck Devine, "not knowing you was anywheres +near--" + +"Makes no difference where I be--you hear me!" + +Although her back was toward me I felt her glare. The wretches winced. +She came a dozen steps toward me, then turned swiftly to glare again. +They shuddered, even though she spoke no word. Then she came on, +muttering hotly, and together we approached the ranch house. A dozen +feet from the door she bounded ahead of me with a cry of baffled rage. I +saw why. Lew Wee, unrecking her approach, was cold-bloodedly committing +an encore. She sped through the doorway, and I heard Lew Wee's +frightened squeal as he sped through another. When I stood in the room +she was putting violent hands to the throat of the thing. + +"The hours I spend with th--" The throttled note expired in a very +dreadful squawk of agony. It was as if foul murder had been done, and +done swiftly. The maddened woman faced me with the potentially evil disk +clutched in her hands. In a voice that is a notable loss to our revivals +of Greek tragedy she declaimed: + +"Ain't it the limit?--and the last thing I done was to hide out that +record up behind the clock where he couldn't find it!" + +In a sudden new alarm and with three long steps she reached the door of +the kitchen and flung it open. Through a window thus exposed we beheld +the offender. One so seldom thinks of the Chinese as athletes! Lew Wee +was well down the flat toward the cottonwoods and still going strong. + +"Ain't it the limit?" again demanded his employer. "Gosh all--excuse me, +but they got me into such a state. Here I am panting like a tuckered +hound. And now I got to make the tea myself. He won't dare come back +before suppertime." + +It seemed to be not yet an occasion for words from me. I tried for a +look of intelligent sympathy. In the kitchen I heard her noisily fill a +teakettle with water. She was not herself yet. She still muttered hotly. +I moved to the magazine--littered table and affected to be taken with +the portrait of a smug--looking prize Holstein on the first page of the +_Stock Breeder's Gazette_. + +The volcano presently seethed through the room and entered its own +apartment. + +Ten minutes later my hostess emerged with recovered aplomb. She had +donned a skirt and a flowered blouse, and dusted powder upon and about +her sunburned and rather blobby nose. Her crinkly gray hair had been +drawn to a knot at the back of her grenadier's head. Her widely set eyes +gleamed with the smile of her broad and competent mouth. + +"Tea in one minute," she promised more than audibly as she bustled into +the kitchen. It really came in five, and beside the tray she pleasantly +relaxed. The cups were filled and a breach was made upon the cake she +had brought. The tea was advertising a sufficient strength, yet she now +raised the dynamics of her own portion. + +"I'll just spill a hooker of this here Scotch into mine," she said, and +then, as she did even so: "My lands! Ain't I the cynical old Kate! And +silly! Letting them boys upset me that way with that there fool song." +She decanted a saucerful of the re-enforced tea and raised it to her +pursed lips. "Looking at you!" she murmured cavernously and drank deep. +She put the saucer back where nice persons leave theirs at all times. +"Say, it was hot over on that bench to-day. I was getting out that bunch +of bull calves, and all the time here was old Safety First mumbling +round--" + +This was rather promising, but I had resolved differently. + +"That song," I insinuated. "Of course there are people--" + +"You bet there are! I'm one of 'em, too! What that song's done to +me--and to other innocent bystanders in the last couple weeks--" + +She sighed hugely, drank more of the fortified brew--nicely from the cup +this time--and fashioned a cigarette from materials at her hand. + +In the flame of a lighted match Mrs. Pettengill's eyes sparkled with a +kind of savage retrospection. She shrugged it off impatiently. + +"I guess you thought I spoke a mite short when you asked about Nettie's +wedding yesterday." + +It was true. She had turned the friendly inquiry with a rather +mystifying abruptness. I murmured politely. She blew twin jets of smoke +from the widely separated corners of her generous mouth and then +shrewdly narrowed her gaze to some distant point of narration. + +"Yes, sir, I says to her, 'Woman's place is the home.' And what you +think she come back with? That she was going to be a leader of the New +Dawn. Yes, sir, just like that. Five feet one, a hundred and eight +pounds in her winter clothes, a confirmed pickle eater--pretty enough, +even if she is kind of peaked and spiritual looking--and going to lead +the New Dawn. + +"Where'd she catch it? My fault, of course, sending her back East to +school and letting her visit the W.B. Hemingways, Mrs. H. being the +well-known clubwoman like the newspapers always print under her photo in +evening dress. That's how she caught it all right. + +"I hadn't realized it when she first got back, except she was pale and +far-away in the eyes and et pickles heavily at every meal--oh, mustard, +dill, sour, sweet, anything that was pickles--and not enough meat and +regular victuals. Gaunted she was, but I didn't suspect her mind was +contaminated none till I sprung Chester Timmins on her as a good +marrying bet. You know Chet, son of old Dave that has the Lazy Eight +Ranch over on Pipe Stone--a good, clean boy that'll have the ranch to +himself as soon as old Dave dies of meanness, and that can't be long +now. It was then she come out delirious about not being the pampered toy +of any male--_male_, mind you! It seems when these hussies want to knock +man nowadays they call him a male. And she rippled on about the freedom +of her soul and her downtrod sisters and this here New Dawn. + +"Well, sir, a baby could have pushed me flat with one finger. At first I +didn' know no better'n to argue with her, I was that affrighted. 'Why, +Nettie Hosford,' I says, 'to think I've lived to hear my only sister's +only child talking in shrieks like that! To think I should have to tell +one of my own kin that women's place is the home. Look at me,' I +says--we was down in Red Gap at the time--'pretty soon I'll go up to the +ranch and what'll I do there?" I says. + +"'Well, listen,' I says, 'to a few of the things I'll be doing: I'll be +marking, branding, and vaccinating the calves, I'll be classing and +turning out the strong cattle on the range. I'll be having the colts +rid, breaking mules for haying, oiling and mending the team harness, +cutting and hauling posts, tattooing the ears and registering the +thoroughbred calves, putting in dams, cleaning ditches, irrigating the +flats, setting out the vegetable garden, building fence, swinging new +gates, overhauling the haying tools, receiving, marking, and branding +the new two--year--old bulls, plowing and seeding grain for our work +stock and hogs, breaking in new cooks and blacksmiths'--I was so mad I +went on till I was winded. 'And that ain't half of it,' I says. 'Women's +work is never done; her place is in the home and she finds so much to do +right there that she ain't getting any time to lead a New Dawn. I'll +start you easy,' I says; 'learn you to bake a batch of bread or do a tub +of washing--something simple--and there's Chet Timmins, waiting to give +you a glorious future as wife and mother and helpmeet.' + +"She just give me one look as cold as all arctics and says, 'It's +repellent'--that's all, just 'repellent.' I see I was up against it. No +good talking. Sometimes it comes over me like a flash when not to talk. +It does to some women. So I affected a light manner and pretended to +laugh it off, just as if I didn't see scandal threatening--think of +having it talked about that a niece of my own raising was a leader of +the New Dawn! + +"'All right,' I says, 'only, of course, Chet Timmins is a good friend +and neighbour of mine, even if he is a male, so I hope you won't mind +his dropping in now and again from time to time, just to say howdy and +eat a meal.' And she flusters me again with her coolness. + +"'No,' she says, 'I won't mind, but I know what you're counting on, and +it won't do either of you any good. I'm above the appeal of a man's mere +presence,' she says, 'for I've thrown off the age--long subjection; but +I won't mind his coming. I shall delight to study him. They're all +alike, and one specimen is as good as another for that. But neither of +you need expect anything,' she says, 'for the wrongs of my sisters have +armoured me against the grossness of mere sex appeal.' Excuse me for +getting off such things, but I'm telling you how she talked. + +"'Oh, shucks!' I says to myself profanely, for all at once I saw she +wasn't talking her own real thoughts but stuff she'd picked up from the +well-known lady friends of Mrs. W.B. Hemingway. I was mad all right; but +the minute I get plumb sure mad I get wily. 'I was just trying you out,' +I says. 'Of course you are right!' 'Of course I am,' says she, 'though I +hardly expected you to see it, you being so hardened a product of the +ancient ideal of slave marriage.' + +"At them words it was pretty hard for me to keep on being wily, but I +kept all right. I kept beautifully. I just laughed and said we'd have +Chet Timmins up for supper, and she laughed and said it would be +amusing. + +"And it was, or it would have been if it hadn't been so sad and +disgusting. Chet, you see, had plumb crumpled the first time he ever set +eyes on her, and he's never been able to uncrumple. He always choked up +the minute she'd come into the room, and that night he choked worse'n +ever because the little devil started in to lead him on--aiming to show +me how she could study a male, I reckon. He couldn't even ask for some +more of the creamed potatoes without choking up--with her all the time +using her eyes on him, and telling him how a great rough man like him +scared 'poor little me.' Chet's tan bleaches out a mite by the end of +winter, but she kept his face exactly the shade of that new mahogany +sideboard I got, and she told him several times that he ought to go see +a throat specialist right off about that choking of his. + +"And after supper I'm darned if she didn't lure him out onto the porch +in the moonlight, and stand there sad looking and helpless, simply +egging him on, mind you, her in one of them little squashy white dresses +that she managed to brush against him--all in the way of cold study, +mind you. Say, ain't we the lovely tame rattlesnakes when we want to be! +And this big husky lummox of a Chester Timmins--him she'd called a +male--what does he do but stand safely at a distance of four feet in the +grand romantic light of the full moon, and tell her vivaciously all +about the new saddle he's having made in Spokane. And even then he not +only chokes but he giggles. They do say a strong man in tears is a +terrible sight. But a husky man giggling is worse--take it from one who +has suffered. And all the time I knew his heart was furnishing enough +actual power to run a feed chopper. So did she! + +"'The creature is so typical,' she says when the poor cuss had finally +stumbled down the front steps. 'He's a real type.' Only she called it +'teep,' having studied the French language among other things. 'He is a +teep indeed!' she says. + +"I had to admit myself that Chester wasn't any self-starter. I saw he'd +have to be cranked by an outsider if he was going to win a place of his +own in the New Dawn. And I kept thinking wily, and the next P.M. when +Nettie and I was downtown I got my hunch. You know that music store on +Fourth Street across from the Boston Cash Emporium. It's kept by C. +Wilbur Todd, and out in front in a glass case he had a mechanical banjo +that was playing 'The Rosary' with variations when we come by. We +stopped a minute to watch the machinery picking the strings and in a +flash I says to myself, 'I got it! Eureka, California!' I says, 'it's +come to me!' + +"Of course that piece don't sound so awful tender when it's done on a +banjo with variations, but I'd heard it done right and swell one time +and so I says, 'There's the song of songs to bring foolish males and +females to their just mating sense.'" + +The speaker paused to drain her cup and to fashion another cigarette, +her eyes dreaming upon far vistas. + +"Ain't it fierce what music does to persons," she resumed. "Right off I +remembered the first time I'd heard that piece--in New York City four +years ago, in a restaurant after the theatre one night, where I'd gone +with Mrs. W.B. Hemingway and her husband. A grand, gay place it was, +with an orchestra. I picked at some untimely food and sipped a +highball--they wouldn't let a lady smoke there--and what interested me +was the folks that come in. Folks always do interest me something +amazing. Strange ones like that, I mean, where you set and try to +figure out all about 'em, what kind of homes they got, and how they act +when they ain't in a swell restaurant, and everything. Pretty soon comes +a couple to the table next us and, say, they was just plain Mr. and Mrs. +Mad. Both of 'em stall-fed. He was a large, shiny lad, with pink jowls +barbered to death and wicked looking, like a well-known clubman or +villain. The lady was spectacular and cynical, with a cold, thin nose +and eyes like a couple of glass marbles. Her hair was several shades off +a legal yellow and she was dressed! She would have made handsome loot, +believe me--aigrette, bracelets, rings, dog collar, gold-mesh bag, +vanity case--Oh, you could see at a glance that she was one of them +Broadway social favourites you read about. And both grouchy, like I +said. He scowled till you knew he'd just love to beat a crippled +step-child to death, and she--well, her work wasn't so coarse; she kept +her mad down better. She set there as nice and sweet as a pet scorpion. + +"'A scrap,' I says to myself, 'and they've only half finished. She's +threatened to quit and he, the cowardly dog, has dared her to.' Plain +enough. The waiter knew it soon as I did when he come to take their +order. Wouldn't speak to each other. Talked through him; fought it out +to something different for each one. Couldn't even agree on the same +kind of cocktail. Both slamming the waiter--before they fought the order +to a finish each had wanted to call the head waiter, only the other one +stopped it. + +"So I rubbered awhile, trying to figure out why such folks want to +finish up their fights in a restaurant, and then I forgot 'em, looking +at some other persons that come in. Then the orchestra started this song +and I seen a lady was getting up in front to sing it. I admit the piece +got me. It got me good. Really, ain't it the gooey mess of heart-throbs +when you come right down to it? This lady singer was a good-looking +sad-faced contralto in a low-cut black dress--and how she did get the +tears out of them low notes! Oh, I quit looking at people while her +chest was oozing out that music. And it got others, too. I noticed lots +of 'em had stopped eating when I looked round, and there was so much +clapping she had to get up and do it all over again. And what you think? +In the middle of the second time I look over to these fighters, and +darned if they ain't holding hands across the table; and more, she's got +a kind of pitiful, crying smile on and he's crying right out--crying +into his cold asparagus, plain as day. + +"What more would you want to know about the powers of this here piece of +music? They both spoke like human beings to the scared waiter when he +come back, and the lad left a five-spot on the tray when he paid his +check. Some song, yes? + +"And all this flashed back on me when Nettie and I stood there watching +this cute little banjo. So I says to myself, 'Here, my morbid vestal, +is where I put you sane; here's where I hurl an asphyxiating bomb into +the trenches of the New Dawn.' Out loud I only says, 'Let's go in and +see if Wilbur has got some new records.' + +"'Wilbur?' says she, and we went in. Nettie had not met Wilbur. + +"I may as well tell you here and now that C. Wilbur Todd is a shrimp. +Shrimp I have said and shrimp I always will say. He talks real brightly +in his way--he will speak words like an actor or something--but for +brains! Say, he always reminds me of the dumb friend of the great +detective in the magazine stories, the one that goes along to the scene +of the crime to ask silly questions and make fool guesses about the +guilty one, and never even suspects who done the murder, till the +detective tells on the last page when they're all together in the +library. + +"Sure, that's Wilbur. It would be an ideal position for him. Instead of +which he runs this here music store, sells these jitney pianos and +phonographs and truck like that. And serious! Honestly, if you seen him +coming down the street you'd say, 'There comes one of these here +musicians.' Wears long hair and a low collar and a flowing necktie and +talks about his technique. Yes, sir, about the technique of working a +machinery piano. Gives free recitals in the store every second Saturday +afternoon, and to see him set down and pump with his feet, and push +levers and pull handles, weaving himself back and forth, tossing his +long, silken locks back and looking dreamily off into the distance, +you'd think he was a Paderewski. As a matter of fact, I've seen +Paderewski play and he don't make a tenth of the fuss Wilbur does. And +after this recital I was at one Saturday he comes up to some of us +ladies, mopping his pale brow, and he says, 'It does take it out of one! +I'm always a nervous wreck after these little affairs of mine.' Would +that get you, or would it not? + +"So we go in the store and Wilbur looks up from a table he's setting at +in the back end. + +"'You find me studying some new manuscripts,' he says, pushing back the +raven locks from his brow. Say, it was a weary gesture he done it +with--sort of languid and world-weary. And what you reckon he meant by +studying manuscripts? Why, he had one of these rolls of paper with the +music punched into it in holes, and he was studying that line that tells +you when to play hard or soft and all like that. Honest, that was it! + +"'I always study these manuscripts of the masters conscientiously before +I play them,' says he. + +"Such is Wilbur. Such he will ever be. So I introduced him to Nettie and +asked if he had this here song on a phonograph record. He had. He had it +on two records. 'One by a barytone gentleman, and one by a +mezzo-soprano,' says Wilbur. I set myself back for both. He also had it +with variations on one of these punched rolls. He played that for us. It +took him three minutes to get set right at the piano and to dust his +fingers with a white silk handkerchief which he wore up his sleeve. And +he played with great expression and agony and bending exercises, ever +and anon tossing back his rebellious locks and fixing us with a look of +pained ecstasy. Of course it sounded better than the banjo, but you got +to have the voice with that song if you're meaning to do any crooked +work. Nettie was much taken with it even so, and Wilbur played it +another way. What he said was that it was another school of +interpretation. It seemed to have its points with him, though he +favoured the first school, he said, because of a certain almost rugged +fidelity. He said the other school was marked by a tendency to idealism, +and he pulled some of the handles to show how it was done. I'm merely +telling you how Wilbur talked. + +"Nettie listened very serious. There was a new look in her eyes. 'That +song has got to her even on a machinery piano,' I says, 'but wait till +we get the voice, with she and Chester out in the mischievous +moonlight.' Wasn't I the wily old hound! Nettie sort of lingered to hear +Wilbur, who was going good by this time. 'One must be the soul behind +the wood and wire,' he says; 'one rather feels just that, or one remains +merely a brutal mechanic.' + +"'I understand,' says Nettie. 'How you must have studied!' + +"'Oh, studied!' says Wilbur, and tossed his mane back and laughed in a +lofty and suffering manner. Studied! He'd gone one year to a business +college in Seattle after he got out of high school! + +"'I understand,' says Nettie, looking all reverent and buffaloed. + +"'It is the price one must pay for technique,' says Wilbur. 'And to-day +you found me in the mood. I am not always in the mood.' + +"'I understand,' says Nettie. + +"I'm just giving you an idea, understand. Then Wilbur says, 'I will +bring these records up this evening if I may. The mezzo-soprano requires +a radically different adjustment from the barytone.' 'My God!' thinks I, +'has he got technique on the phonograph, too!' But I says he must come +by all means, thinking he could tend the machine while Nettie and +Chester is out on the porch getting wise to each other. + +"'There's another teep for you,' I says to Nettie when we got out of the +place. 'He certainly is marked by tendencies,' I says. I meant it for a +nasty slam at Wilbur's painful deficiencies as a human being, but she +took it as serious as Wilbur took himself--which is some! + +"'Ah, yes, the artist teep,' says she,'the most complex, the most +baffling of all.' + +"That was a kind of a sickish jolt to me--the idea that something as low +in the animal kingdom as Wilbur could baffle anyone--but I thinks, +'Shucks! Wait till he lines up alongside of a regular human man like +Chet Timmins!' + +"I had Chet up to supper again. He still choked on words of one +syllable if Nettie so much as glanced at him, and turned all sorts of +painful colours like a cheap rug. But I keep thinking the piece will fix +that all right. + +"At eight o'clock Wilbur sifted in with his records and something else +flat and thin, done up in paper that I didn't notice much at the time. +My dear heart, how serious he was! As serious as--well, I chanced to be +present at the house of mourning when the barber come to shave old Judge +Armstead after he'd passed away--you know what I mean--kind of like him +Wilbur was, talking subdued and cat-footing round very solemn and +professional. I thought he'd never get that machine going. He cleaned +it, and he oiled it, and he had great trouble picking out the right +fibre needle, holding six or eight of 'em up to the light, doing secret +things to the machine's inwards, looking at us sharp as if we oughtn't +to be talking even then, and when she did move off I'm darned if he +didn't hang in a strained manner over that box, like he was the one that +was doing it all and it wouldn't get the notes right if he took his +attention off. + +"It was a first-class record, I'll say that. It was the male +barytone--one of them pleading voices that get all into you. It wasn't +half over before I seen Nettie was strongly moved, as they say, only she +was staring at Wilbur, who by now was leading the orchestra with one +graceful arm and looking absorbed and sodden, like he done it +unconsciously. Chester just set there with his mouth open, like +something you see at one of these here aquariums. + +"We moved round some when it was over, while Wilbur was picking out just +the right needle for the other record, and so I managed to cut that lump +of a Chester out of the bunch and hold him on the porch till I got +Nettie out, too. Then I said 'Sh-h-h!' so they wouldn't move when Wilbur +let the mezzo-soprano start. And they had to stay out there in the +golden moonlight with love's young dream and everything. The lady singer +was good, too. No use in talking, that song must have done a lot of +heart work right among our very best families. It had me going again so +I plumb forgot my couple outside. I even forgot Wilbur, standing by the +box showing the lady how to sing. + +"It come to the last--you know how it ends--'To kiss the cross, +sweetheart, to kiss the cross!' There was a rich and silent moment and I +says, 'If that Chet Timmins hasn't shown himself to be a regular male +teep by this time--' And here come Chet's voice, choking as usual, 'Yes, +paw switched to Durhams and Herefords over ten years ago--you see +Holsteins was too light; they don't carry the meat--' Honest! I'm +telling you what I heard. And yet when they come in I could see that +Chester had had tears in his eyes from that song, so still I didn't give +in, especially as Nettie herself looked very exalted, like she wasn't at +that minute giving two whoops in the bad place for the New Dawn. + +[Illustration: "CHESTER JUST SET THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN, LIKE +SOMETHING YOU SEE AT ONE OF THESE HERE AQUARIUMS"] + +"Nettie made for Wilbur, who was pushing back his hair with a weak but +graceful sweep of the arm--it had got down before his face like a +portière--and I took Chet into a corner and tried to get some of the +just wrath of God into his heart; but, my lands! You'd have said he +didn't know there was such a thing as a girl in the whole Kulanche +Valley. He didn't seem to hear me. He talked other matters. + +"'Paw thinks,' he says, 'that he might manage to take them hundred and +fifty bull calves off your hands.' 'Oh, indeed!' I says. 'And does he +think of buying 'em--as is often done in the cattle business--or is he +merely aiming to do me a favour?' I was that mad at the poor worm, but +he never knew. 'Why, now, paw says "You tell Maw Pettengill I might be +willing to take 'em off her hands at fifty dollars a head,"' he says. 'I +should think he might be,' I says, 'but they ain't bothering my hands +the least little mite. I like to have 'em on my hands at anything less +than sixty a head,' I says. 'Your pa,' I went on, 'is the man that +started this here safety-first cry. Others may claim the honour, but it +belongs solely to him.' 'He never said anything about that,' says poor +Chester. 'He just said you was going to be short of range this summer.' +'Be that all too true, as it may be,' I says, 'but I still got my +business faculties--' And I was going on some more, but just then I seen +Nettie and Wilbur was awful thick over something he'd unwrapped from the +other package he'd brought. It was neither more nor less than a big +photo of C. Wilbur Todd. Yes, sir, he'd brought her one. + +"'I think the artist has caught a bit of the real just there, if you +know what I mean,' says Wilbur, laying a pale thumb across the upper +part of the horrible thing. + +"'I understand,' says Nettie, 'the real you was expressing itself.' + +"'Perhaps,' concedes Wilbur kind of nobly. 'I dare say he caught me in +one of my rarer moods. You don't think it too idealized?' + +"'Don't jest,' says she, very pretty and severe. And they both gazed +spellbound. + +"'Chester,' I says in low but venomous tones, 'you been hanging round +that girl worse than Grant hung round Richmond, but you got to remember +that Grant was more than a hanger. He made moves, Chester, moves! Do you +get me?' + +"'About them calves,' says Chester, 'pa told me it's his honest +opinion--' + +"Well, that was enough for once. I busted up that party sudden and firm. + +"'It has meant much to me,' says Wilbur at parting. + +"'I understand,' says Nettie. + +"'When you come up to the ranch, Miss Nettie,' says Chester, 'you want +to ride over to the Lazy Eight, and see that there tame coyote I got. It +licks your hand like a dog.' + +"But what could I do, more than what I had done? Nettie was looking at +the photograph when I shut the door on 'em. 'The soul behind the wood +and wire,' she murmurs. I looked closer then and what do you reckon it +was? Just as true as I set here, it was Wilbur, leaning forward all +negligent and patronizing on a twelve-hundred-dollar grand piano, his +hair well forward and his eyes masterful, like that there noble +instrument was his bond slave. But wait! And underneath he'd writ a bar +of music with notes running up and down, and signed his name to it--not +plain, mind you, though he can write a good business hand if he wants +to, but all scrawly like some one important, so you couldn't tell if it +was meant for Dutch or English. Could you beat that for nerve--in a day, +in a million years? + +"'What's Wilbur writing that kind of music for?' I asks in a cold voice. +'He don't know that kind. What he had ought to of written is a bunch of +them hollow slats and squares like they punch in the only kind of music +he plays,' I says. + +"'Hush!' says Nettie. 'It's that last divine phrase, "To kiss the +cross!"' + +"I choked up myself then. And I went to bed and thought. And this is +what I thought: When you think you got the winning hand, keep on +raising. To call is to admit you got no faith in your judgment. Better +lay down than call. So I resolve not to say another word to the girl +about Chester, but simply to press the song in on her. Already it had +made her act like a human person. Of course I didn't worry none about +Wilbur. The wisdom of the ages couldn't have done that. But I seen I had +got to have a real first-class human voice in that song, like the one I +had heard in New York City. They'll just have to clench, I think, when +they hear a good A-number-one voice in it. + +"Next day I look in on Wilbur and say, 'What about this concert and +musical entertainment the North Side set is talking about giving for the +starving Belgians?' + +"'The plans are maturing,' he says, 'but I'm getting up a Brahms +concerto that I have promised to play--you know how terrifically +difficult Brahms is--so the date hasn't been set yet.' + +"'Well, set it and let's get to work,' I says. 'There'll be you, and the +North Side Ladies' String Quartet, and Ed Bughalter with a bass solo, +and Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale with the "Jewel Song" from Faust, +and I been thinking,' I says, 'that we had ought to get a good +professional lady concert singer down from Spokane.' + +"'I'm afraid the expenses would go over our receipts,' says Wilbur, and +I can see him figuring that this concert will cost the Belgians money +instead of helping 'em; so right off I says, 'If you can get a +good-looking, sad-faced contralto, with a low-cut black dress, that can +sing "The Rosary" like it had ought to be sung, why, you can touch me +for that part of the evening's entertainment.' + +"Wilbur says I'm too good, not suspicioning I'm just being wily, so he +says he'll write up and fix it. And a couple days later he says the lady +professional is engaged, and it'll cost me fifty, and he shows me her +picture and the dress is all right, and she had a sad, powerful face, +and the date is set and everything. + +"Meantime, I keep them two records het up for the benefit of my +reluctant couple: daytime for Nettie--she standing dreamy-eyed while it +was doing, showing she was coming more and more human, understand--and +evenings for both of 'em, when Chester Timmins would call. And Chet +himself about the third night begins to get a new look in his eyes, kind +of absent and desperate, so I thinks this here lady professional will +simply goad him to a frenzy. Oh, we had some sad musical week before +that concert! That was when this crazy Chink of mine got took by the +song. He don't know yet what it means, but it took him all right; he got +regular besotted with it, keeping the kitchen door open all the time, so +he wouldn't miss a single turn. It took his mind off his work, too. Talk +about the Yellow Peril! He got so locoed with that song one day, what +does he do but peel and cook up twelve dollars' worth of the Piedmont +Queen dahlia bulbs I'd ordered for the front yard. Sure! Served 'em with +cream sauce, and we et 'em, thinking they was some kind of a Chinese +vegetable. + +"But I was saying about this new look in Chester's eyes, kind of far-off +and criminal, when that song was playing. And then something give me a +pause, as they say. Chet showed up one evening with his nails all +manicured; yes, sir, polished till you needed smoked glasses to look at +'em. I knew all right where he'd been. I may as well tell you that Henry +Lehman was giving Red Gap a flash of form with his new barber +shop--tiled floor, plate-glass front, exposed plumbing, and a manicure +girl from Seattle; yes, sir, just like in the great wicked cities. It +had already turned some of our very best homes into domestic hells, and +no wonder! Decent, God-fearing men, who'd led regular lives and had +whiskers and grown children, setting down to a little spindle-legged +table with this creature, dipping their clumsy old hands into a pink +saucedish of suds and then going brazenly back to their innocent +families with their nails glittering like piano keys. Oh, that young +dame was bound to be a social pet among the ladies of the town, yes--no? +She was pretty and neat figured, with very careful hair, though its +colour had been tampered with unsuccessfully, and she wore little, +blue-striped shirtwaists that fitted very close--you know--with low +collars. It was said that she was a good conversationalist and would +talk in low, eager tones to them whose fingers she tooled. + +"Still, I didn't think anything of Chester resorting to that sanitary +den of vice. All I think is that he's trying to pretty himself up for +Nettie and maybe show her he can be a man-about-town, like them she has +known in Spokane and in Yonkers, New York, at the select home of Mrs. +W.B. Hemingway and her husband. How little we think when we had ought +to be thinking our darndest! Me? I just went on playing them two +records, the male barytone and the lady mezzo, and trying to curse that +Chinaman into keeping the kitchen door shut on his cooking, with Wilbur +dropping in now and then so him and Nettie could look at his photo, +which was propped up against a book on the centre table--one of them +large three-dollar books that you get stuck with by an agent and never +read--and Nettie dropping into his store now and then to hear him +practise over difficult bits from his piece that he was going to render +at the musical entertainment for the Belgians, with him asking her if +she thought he shaded the staccato passage a mite too heavy, or some +guff like that. + +"So here come the concert, with every seat sold and the hall draped +pretty with flags and cut flowers. Some of the boys was down from the +ranch, and you bet I made 'em all come across for tickets, and old +Safety First--Chet's father--I stuck him for a dollar one, though he had +an evil look in his eyes. That's how the boys got so crazy about this +here song. They brought that record back with 'em. And Buck Devine, that +I met on the street that very day of the concert, he give me another +kind of a little jolt. He'd been gossiping round town, the vicious way +men do, and he says to me: + +"'That Chester lad is taking awful chances for a man that needs his two +hands at his work. Of course if he was a foot-racer or something like +that, where he didn't need hands--' 'What's all this?' I asks. 'Why,' +says Buck, 'he's had his nails rasped down to the quick till he almost +screams if they touch anything, and he goes back for more every single +day. It's a wonder they ain't mortified on him already; and say, it +costs him six bits a throw and, of course, he don't take no change from +a dollar--he leaves the extra two bits for a tip. Gee! A dollar a day +for keeping your nails tuned up--and I ain't sure he don't have 'em done +twice on Sundays. Mine ain't never had a file teched to 'em yet,' he +says. 'I see that,' I says. 'If any foul-minded person ever accuses you +of it, you got abundant proofs of your innocence right there with you. +As for Chester,' I says, 'he has an object.' 'He has,' says Buck. 'Not +what you think,' I says. 'Very different from that. It's true,' I +concedes, 'that he ought to take that money and go to some good +osteopath and have his head treated, but he's all right at that. Don't +you set up nights worrying about it.' And I sent Buck slinking off +shamefaced but unconvinced, I could see. But I wasn't a bit scared. + +"Chet et supper with us the night of the concert and took Nettie and I +to the hall, and you bet I wedged them two close in next each other when +we got to our seats. This was my star play. If they didn't fall for each +other now--Shucks! They had to. And I noticed they was more confidential +already, with Nettie looking at him sometimes almost respectfully. + +"Well, the concert went fine, with the hired lady professional singer +giving us some operatic gems in various foreign languages in the first +part, and Ed Bughalter singing "A King of the Desert Am I, Ha, Ha!" very +bass--Ed always sounds to me like moving heavy furniture round that +ain't got any casters under it--and Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale +with the "Jewel Song" from Faust, that she learned in a musical +conservatory at Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and "Coming Through the Rye" +for an encore--holding the music rolled up in her hands, though the Lord +knows she knew every word and note of it by heart--and the North Side +Ladies' String Quartet, and Wilbur Todd, of course, putting on more airs +than as if he was the only son of old man Piano himself, while he +shifted the gears and pumped, and Nettie whispering that he always slept +two hours before performing in public and took no nourishment but one +cup of warm milk--just a bundle of nerves that way--and she sent him up +a bunch of lilies tied with lavender ribbon while he was bowing and +scraping, but I didn't pay no attention to that, for now it was coming. + +"Yes, sir, the last thing was this here lady professional, getting up +stern and kind of sweetish sad in her low-cut black dress to sing the +song of songs. I was awful excited for a party of my age, and I see they +was, too. Nettie nudged Chet and whispered, 'Don't you just love it?' +And Chet actually says, 'I love it,' so no wonder I felt sure, when up +to that time he'd hardly been able to say a word except about his pa +being willing to take them calves for almost nothing. Then I seen his +eyes glaze and point off across the hall, and darned if there wasn't +this manicure party in a cheek little hat and tailored gown, setting +with Mrs. Henry Lehman and her husband. But still I felt all right, +because him and Nettie was nudging each other intimately again when +Professor Gluckstein started in on the accompaniment--I bet Wilbur +thinks the prof is awful old-fashioned, playing with his fingers that +way; I know they don't speak on the street. + +"So this lady just floated into that piece with all the heart stops +pulled out, and after one line I didn't begrudge her a cent of my fifty. +I just set there and thrilled. I could feel Nettie and Chet thrilling, +too, and I says, 'There's nothing to it--not from now on.' + +"The applause didn't bust loose till almost a minute after she'd kissed +the cross in that rich brown voice of hers, and even then my couple +didn't join in. Nettie set still, all frozen and star-eyed, and Chester +was choking and sniffling awful emotionally. 'I've sure nailed the young +fools,' I thinks. And, of course, this lady had to sing it again, and +not half through was she when, sure enough, I glanced down sideways and +Chet's right hand and her left hand is squirming together till they look +like a bunch of eels. 'All over but the rice,' I says, and at that I +felt so good and thrilled! I was thinking back to my own time when I was +just husband-high, though that wasn't so little, Lysander John being a +scant six foot three--and our wedding tour to the Centennial and the +trip to Niagara Falls--just soaking in old memories that bless and bind +that this lady singer was calling up--well, you could have had anything +from me right then when she kissed that cross a second time, just +pouring her torn heart out. 'Worth every cent of that fifty,' I says. + +"Then everybody was standing up and moving out--wiping their eyes a lot +of 'em was--so I push on ahead quick, aiming to be more wily than ever +and leave my couple alone. They don't miss me, either. When I look back, +darned if they ain't kind of shaking hands right there in the hall. +'Quick work!' I says. 'You got to hand it to that song.' Even then I +noticed Nettie was looking back to where Wilbur was tripping down from +the platform, and Chester had his eyes glazed over on this manicure +party. Still, they was gripping each other's hands right there before +folks, and I think they're just a bit embarrassed. My old heart went +right on echoing that song as I pushed forward--not looking back again, +I was that certain. + +"And to show you the mushy state I was in, here is old Safety First +himself leering at me down by the door, with a clean shave and his other +clothes on, and he says all about how it was a grand evening's musical +entertainment and how much will the Belgians get in cold cash, anyway, +and how about them hundred and fifty head of bull calves that he was +willing to take off my hands, and me, all mushed up by that song as I +am telling you, saying to him in a hearty manner, 'They're yours, Dave! +Take 'em at your own price, old friend.' Honest, I said it just that +way, so you can see. 'Oh, I'll be stuck on 'em at fifty a head,' says +Dave, 'but I knew you'd listen to reason, we being such old neighbours.' +'I ain't heard reason since that last song,' I says. I'm listening to my +heart, and it's a grand pity yours never learned to talk.' 'Fifty a +head,' says the old robber. + +"So, thus throwing away at least fifteen hundred dollars like it was a +mere bagatelle or something, I walk out into the romantic night and beat +it for home, wanting to be in before my happy couple reached there, so +they'd feel free to linger over their parting. My, but I did feel +responsible and dangerous, directing human destinies so brashly the way +I had." + +There was a pause, eloquent with unworded emotions. + +Then "Human destinies, hell!" the lady at length intoned. + +Hereupon I amazingly saw that she believed her tale to be done. I +permitted the silence to go a minute, perhaps, while she fingered the +cigarette paper and loose tobacco. + +"And of course, then," I hinted, as the twin jets of smoke were rather +viciously expelled. + +"I should say so--'of course, then'--you got it. But I didn't get it for +near an hour yet. I set up to my bedroom window in the dark, waiting +excitedly, and pretty soon they slowly floated up to the front gate, +talking in hushed tones and gurgles. 'Male and female created He them,' +I says, flushed with triumph. The moon wasn't up yet, but you hadn't any +trouble making out they was such. He was acting outrageously like a male +and she was suffering it with the splendid courage which has long +distinguished our helpless sex. And there I set, warming my old heart in +it and expanding like one of them little squeezed-up sponges you see in +the drug-store window which swells up so astonishing when you put it in +water. I wasn't impatient for them to quit, oh, no! They seemed to +clench and unclench and clench again, as if they had all the time in the +world--with me doing nothing but applaud silently. + +"After spending about twenty years out there they loitered softly up the +walk and round to the side door where I'd left the light burning, and I +slipped over to the side window, which was also open, and looked down on +the dim fond pair, and she finally opened the door softly and the light +shone out." + +Again Ma Pettengill paused, her elbows on the arms of her chair, her +shoulders forward, her gray old head low between them. She drew a long +breath and rumbled fiercely: + +"And the mushy fool me, forcing that herd of calves on old Dave at that +scandalous price--after all, that's what really gaffed me the worst! My +stars! If I could have seen that degenerate old crook again that +night--but of course a trade's a trade, and I'd said it. Ain't I the old +silly!" + +"The door opened and the light shone out--" + +I gently prompted. + +She erected herself in the chair, threw back her shoulders, and her wide +mouth curved and lifted at the corners with the humour that never long +deserts this woman. + +"Yep! That light flooded out its golden rays on the reprehensible person +of C. Wilbur Todd," she crisply announced. "And like they say in the +stories, little remains to be told. + +"I let out a kind of strangled yell, and Wilbur beat it right across my +new lawn, and I beat it downstairs. But that girl was like a +sleepwalker--not to be talked to, I mean, like you could talk to +persons. + +"'Aunty,' she says in creepy tones, 'I have brought myself to the +ultimate surrender. I know the chains are about me, already I feel the +shackles, but I glory in them.' She kind of gasped and shivered in +horrible delight. 'I've kissed the cross at last,' she mutters. + +"I was so weak I dropped into a chair and I just looked at her. At first +I couldn't speak, then I saw it was no good speaking. She was free, +white, and twenty-one. So I never let on. I've had to take a jolt or two +in my time. I've learned how. But finally I did manage to ask how about +Chet Timmins. + +"'I wronged dear Chester,' she says. 'I admit it freely. He has a heart +of gold and a nature in a thousand. But, of course, there could never be +anything between him and a nature like mine; our egos function on +different planes,' she says. 'Dear Chester came to see it, too. It's +only in the last week we've come to understand each other. It was really +that wonderful song that brought us to our mutual knowledge. It helped +us to understand our mutual depths better than all the ages of eternity +could have achieved.' On she goes with this mutual stuff, till you'd +have thought she was reading a composition or something. 'And dear +Chester is so radiant in his own new-found happiness,' she says. 'What!' +I yells, for this was indeed some jolt. + +"'He has come into his own,' she says. 'They have eloped to Spokane, +though I promised to observe secrecy until the train had gone. A very +worthy creature I gather from what Chester tells me, a Miss +Macgillicuddy--' + +"'Not the manicure party?' I yells again. + +"'I believe she has been a wage-earner,' says Nettie. 'And dear Chester +is so grateful about that song. It was her favourite song, too, and it +seemed to bring them together, just as it opened my own soul to Wilbur. +He says she sings the song very charmingly herself, and he thought it +preferable that they be wed in Spokane before his father objected. And +oh, aunty, I do see how blind I was to my destiny, and how kind you were +to me in my blindness--you who had led the fuller life as I shall lead +it at Wilbur's side.' + +"'You beat it to your room,' I orders her, very savage and disorganized. +For I had stood about all the jolts in one day that God had meant me +to. And so they was married, Chester and his bride attending the +ceremony and Oscar Teetz' five-piece orchestra playing the--" She +broke off, with a suddenly blazing glance at the disk, and seized it +from the table rather purposefully. With a hand firmly at both edges she +stared inscrutably at it a long moment. + +"I hate to break the darned thing," she said musingly at last. "I guess +I'll just lock it up. Maybe some time I'll be feeling the need to hear +it again. I know I can still be had by it if all the circumstances is +right." + +Still she stared at the thing curiously. + +"Gee! It was hot getting them calves out to-day, and old Safety First +moaning about all over the place how he's being stuck with 'em, till +more than once I come near forgetting I was a lady--and, oh, yes"--she +brightened--"I was going to tell you. After it was all over, Wilbur, the +gallant young tone poet, comes gushing up to me and says, 'Now, aunty, +always when you are in town you must drop round and break bread with +us.' Aunty, mind you, right off the reel. 'Well,' I says, 'if I drop +round to break any bread your wife bakes I'll be sure to bring a +hammer.' I couldn't help it. He'll make a home for the girl all right, +but he does something sinful to my nerves every time he opens his face. +And then coming back here, where I looked for God's peace and quiet, and +being made to hear that darned song every time I turned round! + +"I give orders plain enough, but say, it's like a brush fire--you never +know when you got it stamped out." + +From the kitchen came the sound of a dropped armful of stove wood. Hard +upon this, the unctuous whining tenor of Jimmie Time: + + Oh-h-h mem-o-reez thu-hat blu-hess and bu-hurn! + +"You, Jimmie Time!" It is a voice meant for Greek tragedy and a theatre +open to the heavens. I could feel the terror of the aged vassal. + +"Yes, ma'am!" The tone crawled abasingly. "I forgot myself." + +I was glad, and I dare say he had the wit to be, that he had not to face +the menace of her glare. + + + + +III + +THE REAL PERUVIAN DOUGHNUTS + + +The affairs of Arrowhead Ranch are administered by its owner, Mrs. +Lysander John Pettengill, through a score or so of hired experts. As a +trout-fishing guest of the castle I found the retainers of this +excellent feudalism interesting enough and generally explicable. But +standing out among them, both as a spectacle and by reason of his +peculiar activities, is a shrunken little man whom I would hear +addressed as Jimmie Time. He alone piqued as well as interested. There +was a tang to all the surmises he prompted in me. + +I have said he is a man; but wait! The years have had him, have scoured +and rasped and withered him; yet his face is curiously but the face of a +boy, his eyes but the fresh, inquiring, hurt eyes of a boy who has been +misused for years threescore. Time has basely done all but age him. So +much for the wastrel as Nature has left him. But Art has furthered the +piquant values of him as a spectacle. + +In dress, speech, and demeanour Jimmie seems to be of the West, +Western--of the old, bad West of informal vendetta, when a man's +increase of years might lie squarely on his quickness in the "draw"; +when he went abundantly armed by day and slept lightly at +night--trigger fingers instinctively crooked. Of course such days have +very definitely passed; wherefore the engaging puzzle of certain +survivals in Jimmie Time--for I found him still a two-gun man. He wore +them rather consciously sagging from his lean hips--almost pompously, it +seemed. Nor did he appear properly unconscious of his remaining +attire--of the broad-brimmed hat, its band of rattlesnake skin; of the +fringed buckskin shirt, opening gallantly across his pinched throat; of +his corduroy trousers, fitting bedraggled; of his beautiful beaded +moccasins. + +He was perfect in detail--and yet he at once struck me as being too +acutely aware of himself. Could this suspicion ensue, I wondered, from +the circumstance that the light duties he discharged in and about the +Arrowhead Ranch house were of a semidomestic character; from a marked +incongruity in the sight of him, full panoplied for homicide, bearing +armfuls of wood to the house; or, with his wicked hat pulled desperately +over a scowling brow, and still with his flaunt of weapons, engaging a +sinkful of soiled dishes in the kitchen under the eyes of a mere unarmed +Chinaman who sat by and smoked an easy cigarette at him, scornful of +firearms? + +There were times, to be sure, when Jimmie's behaviour was in nice accord +with his dreadful appearance--as when I chanced to observe him late the +second afternoon of my arrival. Solitary in front of the bunk house, he +rapidly drew and snapped his side arms at an imaginary foe some paces +in front of him. They would be simultaneously withdrawn from their +holsters, fired from the hip and replaced, the performer snarling +viciously the while. The weapons were unloaded, but I inferred that the +foe crumpled each time. + +Then the old man varied the drama, vastly increasing the advantage of +the foe and the peril of his own emergency by turning a careless back on +the scene. The carelessness was only seeming. Swiftly he wheeled, and +even as he did so twin volleys came from the hip. It was spirited--the +weapons seemed to smoke; the smile of the marksman was evil and +masterly. Beyond all question the foe had crumpled again, despite his +tremendous advantage of approach. + +I drew gently near before the arms were again holstered and permitted +the full exposure of my admiration for this readiness of retort under +difficulties. The puissant one looked up at me with suspicion, hostile +yet embarrassed. I stood admiring ingenuously, stubborn in my +fascination. Slowly I won him. The coldness in his bright little eyes +warmed to awkward but friendly apology. + +"A gun fighter lets hisself git stiff," he winningly began; "then, first +thing he knows, some fine day--crack! Like that! All his own fault, too, +'cause he ain't kep' in trim." He jauntily twirled one of the heavy +revolvers on a forefinger. "Not me, though, pard! Keep m'self up and +comin', you bet! Ketch me not ready to fan the old forty-four! I guess +not! Some has thought they could. Oh, yes; plenty has thought they +could. Crack! Like that!" He wheeled, this time fatally intercepting the +foe as he treacherously crept round a corner of the bunk house. "Buryin' +ground for you, mister! That's all--bury-in' ground!" + +The desperado replaced one of the weapons and patted the other with +grisly affection. In the excess of my admiration I made bold to reach +for it. He relinquished it to me with a mother's yearning. And all too +legible in the polished butt of the thing were notches! Nine sinister +notches I counted--not fresh notches, but emphatic, eloquent, chilling. +I thrust the bloody record back on its gladdened owner. + +"Never think it to look at me?" said he as our eyes hung above that grim +bit of bookkeeping. + +"Never!" I warmly admitted. + +"Me--I always been one of them quiet, mild-mannered ones that you +wouldn't think butter would melt in their mouth--jest up to a certain +point. Lots of 'em fooled that way about me--jest up to a certain point, +mind you--then, crack! Buryin' ground--that's all! Never go huntin' +trouble--understand? But when it's put on me--say!" + +He lovingly replaced the weapon--with its mortuary statistics--doffed +the broad-brimmed hat with its snake-skin garniture, and placed a +forefinger athwart an area of his shining scalp which is said by a +certain pseudoscience to shield several of man's more spiritual +attributes. The finger traced an ancient but still evil looking scar. + +"One creased me there," he confessed--"a depity marshal--that time they +had a reward out for me, dead or alive." + +I was for details. + +"What did you do?" + +Jimmie Time stayed laconic. + +"Left him there--that's all!" + +It was arid, yet somehow informing. It conveyed to me that a marshal had +been cleverly put to needing a new deputy. + +"Burying ground?" I guessed. + +"That's all!" He laughed venomously--a short, dry, restrained laugh. +"They give me a nickname," said he. "They called me Little Sure Shot. No +wonder they did! Ho! I should think they would of called me something +like that." He lifted his voice. "Hey! Boogles!" + +I had been conscious of a stooping figure in the adjacent vegetable +garden. It now became erect, a figure of no distinction--short, rounded, +decked in carelessly worn garments of no elegance. It slouched +inquiringly toward us between rows of sprouted corn. Then I saw that the +head surmounting it was a noble head. It was uncovered, burnished to a +half circle of grayish fringe; but it was shaped in the grand manner and +well borne, and the full face of it was beautified by features of a very +Roman perfection. It was the face of a judge of the Supreme Court or +the face of an ideal senator. His large grave eyes bathed us in a +friendly regard; his full lips of an orator parted with leisurely and +promising unction. I awaited courtly phrases, richly rounded periods. + +"A regular hell-cat--what he is!" + +Thus vocalized the able lips. Jimmie Time glowed modestly. + +"Show him how I can shoot," said he. + +The amazing Boogies waddled--yet with dignity--to a point ten paces +distant, drew a coin from the pocket of his dingy overalls, and spun it +to the blue of heaven. Ere it fell the deadly weapon bore swiftly on it +and snapped. + +"Crack!" said the marksman grimly. + +His assistant recovered the coin, scrutinized it closely, rubbed a fat +thumb over its supposedly dented surface, and again spun it. The +desperado had turned his back. He drew as he wheeled, and again I was +given to understand that his aim had been faultless. + +"Good Little Sure Shot!" declaimed Boogies fulsomely. + +"Hold it in your hand oncet," directed Little Sure Shot. The intrepid +assistant gallantly extended the half dollar at arm's length between +thumb and finger and averted his statesman's face with practiced +apprehension. "Crack!" said Little Sure Shot, and the coin seemed to be +struck from the unscathed hand. "Only nicked the aidge of it," said he, +genially deprecating. "I don't like to take no chancet with the lad's +mitt." + +It had indeed been a pretty display of sharpshooting--and noiseless. + +"Had me nervous, you bet, first time he tried that," called Boogles. +"Didn't know his work then. Thought sure he'd wing me." + +Jimmie Time loftily ejected imaginary shells from his trusty firearm and +seemed to expel smoke from its delicate interior. Boogies waddled his +approach. + +"Any time they back Little Sure Shot up against the wall they want to +duck," said he warmly. "He has 'em hard to find in about a minute. Tell +him about that fresh depity marshal, Jimmie." + +"I already did," said Jimmie. + +"Ain't he the hell-cat?" demanded Boogles, mopping a brow that Daniel +Webster would have observed with instant and perhaps envious respect. + +"I been a holy terror in my time, all right, all right!" admitted the +hero. "Never think it to look at me though. One o' the deceivin' kind +till I'm put upon; then--good-night!" + +"Jest like that!" murmured Boogles. + +"Buryin' ground--that's all." The lips of the bad man shut grimly on +this. + +"Say," demanded Boogles, "on the level, ain't he the real Peruvian +doughnuts? Don't he jest make 'em all hunt their--" The tribute was +unfinished. + +"You ol' Jim! You ol' Jim Time!" Shrilly this came from Lew Wee, Chinese +cook of the Arrowhead framed in the kitchen doorway of the ranch house. +He brandished a scornful and commanding dish towel at the bad man, who +instantly and almost cravenly cowered under the distant assault. The +garment of his old bad past fell from him, leaving him as one exposed in +the market-place to the scornful towels of Chinamen. "You run, ol' Jim +Time! How you think catch 'um din' not have wood?" + +"Now I was jest goin' to," mumbled Jimmie Time; and he amazingly slunk +from the scene of his late triumphs toward the open front of a +woodhouse. + +His insulter turned back to the kitchen with a final affronting flourish +of the towel. The whisper of Boogles came hoarsely to me: "Some of these +days Little Sure Shot'll put a dose o' cold lead through that Chink's +heart." + +"Is he really dangerous?" I demanded. + +"Dangerous!" Boogles choked warmly on this. "Let me tell you, that old +boy is the real Peruvian doughnuts, and no mistake! Some day there won't +be so many Chinks round this dump. No, sir-ee! That little cutthroat'll +have another notch in his gun." + +The situation did indeed seem to brim with the cheerfullest promise; yet +something told me that Little Sure Shot was too good, too perfect. +Something warned me that he suffered delusions of grandeur--that he +fell, in fact, somewhat short of being the real doughnuts, either of a +Peruvian or any other valued sort. + +Nor had many hours passed ere it befell emphatically even so. There had +been the evening meal, followed by an hour or so of the always pleasing +and often instructive talk of my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, +who has largely known life for sixty years and found it entertaining and +good. And we had parted at an early nine, both tired from the work and +the play that had respectively engaged us the day long. + +My candle had just been extinguished when three closely fired shots +cracked the vast stillness of the night. Ensued vocal explosions of a +curdling shrillness from the back of the house. One instantly knew them +to be indignant and Chinese. Caucasian ears gathered this much. I looked +from an open window as the impassioned cries came nearer. The lucent +moon of the mountains flooded that side of the house, and starkly into +its light from round the nearest corner struggled Lew Wee, the Chinaman. +He shone refulgent, being yet in the white or full-dress uniform of his +calling. + +In one hand he held the best gun of Jimmie Time; in the other--there +seemed to be a well-gripped connection with the slack of a buckskin +shirt--writhed the alleged real doughnuts of a possibly Peruvian +character. The captor looked aloft and remained vocal, waving the gun, +waving Jimmie Time, playing them together as cymbals, never loosening +them. It was fine. It filled the eye and appeased the deepest longings +of the ear. + +Then from a neighbouring window projected the heroic head and shoulders +of my hostess, and there boomed into the already vivacious libretto a +passionate barytone, or thereabout, of sterling timbre. + +"What in the name of--" + +I leave it there. To do so is not only kind but necessary. The most +indulgent censor that ever guarded the columns of a print intended for +young and old about the evening lamp would swiftly delete from this +invocation, if not the name of Deity itself, at least the greater number +of the attributes with which she endowed it. A few were conventional +enough, but they served only to accentuate others that were too hastily +selected in the heat of this crisis. Enough to say that the lady +overbore by sheer mass of tone production the strident soprano of Lew +Wee, controlling it at length to a lucid disclosure of his grievance. + +From the doorway of his kitchen, inoffensively proffering a final +cigarette to the radiant night, he had been the target of three shots +with intent to kill. He submitted the weapon. He submitted the writhing +assassin. + +"I catch 'um!" he said effectively, and rested his case. + +"Now--I aimed over his head." It was Jimmie Time alias Little Sure Shot, +and he whimpered the words. "I jest went to play a sell on him." + +The voice of the judge boomed wrathfully on this: + +"You darned pestering mischief, you! Ain't I forbid you time and again +ever to load them guns? Where'd you get the ca'tridges?" + +"Now--I found 'em," pleaded the bad man. "I did so; I found 'em." + +"Cooned 'em, you mean!" thundered the judge. "You cooned 'em from Buck +or Sandy. Don't tell me, you young reprobate!" + +"He all like bad man," submitted the prosecution. "I tell 'um catch +stlovewood; he tell 'um me: 'You go to haitch!' I tell 'um: 'You ownself +go to haitch! He say: 'I flan you my gun plitty soon!' He do." + +"I aimed over the coward's head," protested the defendant. + +"Can happen!" sanely objected the prosecution. + +"Ain't I told you what I'd do if you loaded them guns?" roared the +judge. "Gentle, limping, baldheaded--" [Deleted by censor.] "How many +more times I got to tell you? Now you know what you'll get. You'll get +your needings--that's what you'll get! All day to-morrow! You hear me? +You'll wear 'em all day to-morrow! Put 'em on first thing in the morning +and wear 'em till sundown. No hiding out, neither! Wear 'em where folks +can see what a bad boy you are. And swearing, too! I got to be 'shamed +of you! Yes, sir! Everybody'll know how 'shamed I am to have a tough kid +like you on the place. I won't be able to hold my head up. You wear +'em!" + +"I--I--I aimed above--" Jimmie Time broke down. He was weeping bitterly. +His captor released him with a final shake, and he brought a forearm to +his streaming eyes. + +"You'll wear 'em all day to-morrow!" again thundered the judge as the +culprit sobbed a stumbling way into obscurity. + +"You'self go to haitch!" the unrelenting complainant called after him. + +The judge effected a rumbling withdrawal. The night was again calm. Then +I slept on the problem of the Arrowhead's two-gun bad man. It seemed now +pretty certain that the fatuous Boogles had grossly overpraised him. I +must question his being the real doughnuts of any sort--even the +mildest--much less the real Peruvian. But what was "'em" that in +degrading punishment and to the public shame of the Arrowhead he must +wear on the morrow? What, indeed, could "'em" be? + +I woke, still pondering the mystery. Nor could I be enlightened during +my breakfast, for this was solitary, my hostess being long abroad to far +places of the Arrowhead, and the stolid mask of Lew Wee inviting no +questions. + +Breakfast over, I stationed myself in the bracing sunlight that warmed +the east porch and aimlessly overhauled a book of flies. To three that +had proved most popular in the neighbouring stream I did small bits of +mending, ever with a questing eye on adjacent outbuildings, where Little +Sure Shot--_née_ Time--might be expected to show himself, wearing "'em." + +A blank hour elapsed. I no longer affected occupation with the flies. +Jimmie Time was irritating me. Had he not been specifically warned to +"wear 'em" full shamefully in the public eye? Was not the public eye +present, avid? Boogles I saw intermittently among beanpoles in the +garden. He appeared to putter, to have no care or system in his labour. +And at moments I noticed he was dropping all pretense of this to stand +motionless, staring intently at the shut door of the stable. + +Could his fallen idol be there, I wondered? Purposefully I also watched +the door of the stable. Presently it opened slightly; then, with evident +infinite caution, it was pushed outward until it hung half yawning. A +palpitant moment we gazed, Boogles and I. Then shot from the stable +gloom an astounding figure in headlong flight. Its goal appeared to be +the bunk house fifty yards distant; but its course was devious, laid +clearly with a view to securing such incidental brief shelter as would +be afforded by the corral wall, by a meagre clump of buck-brush, by a +wagon, by a stack of hay. Good time was made, however. The fugitive +vanished into the bunk house and the door of that structure was slammed +to. But now the small puzzle I had thought to solve had grown to be, in +that brief space--easily under eight seconds--a mystery of enormous, of +sheerly inhuman dimensions. For the swift and winged one had been all +too plainly a correctly uniformed messenger boy of the Western Union +Telegraph Company--that blue uniform with metal buttons, with the +corded red at the trouser sides, the flat cap fronted by a badge of +nickel--unthinkable, yet there. And the speedy bearer of this scenic +investiture had been the desperate, blood-letting, two-gun bad man of +the Arrowhead. + +It was a complication not to be borne with any restraint. I hastened to +stand before the shut door of the sanctuary. It slept in an unpromising +stillness. Invincibly reticent it seemed, even when the anguished face +of Jimmie Time, under that incredible cap with its nickeled badge, +wavered an instant back of the grimy window--wavered and vanished with +an effect of very stubborn finality. I would risk no defeat there. I +passed resolutely on to Boogles, who now most diligently trained up +tender young bean vines in the way they should go. + +"Why does he hide in there?" I demanded in a loud, indignant voice. I +was to have no nonsense about it. + +Boogles turned on me the slow, lofty, considering regard of a United +States senator submitting to photography for publication in a press that +has no respect for private rights. He lacked but a few clothes and the +portico of a capitol. Speech became immanent in him. One should not have +been surprised to hear him utter decorative words meant for the +rejoicing and incitement of voters. Yet he only said--or started to say: + +"Little Sure Shot'll get that Chink yet! I tell you, now, that old boy +is sure the real Peruvian--" + +This was absurdly too much. I then and there opened on Boogles, opened +flooding gates of wrath and scorn on him--for him and for his idol of +clay who, I flatly told him, could not be the real doughnuts of any +sort. As for his being the real Peruvian--Faugh! + +Often I had wished to test in speech the widely alleged merits of this +vocable. I found it do all that has been claimed for it. Its effect on +Boogles was so withering that I used it repeatedly in the next three +minutes. I even faughed him twice in succession, which is very insulting +and beneficial indeed, and has a pleasant feel on the lips. + +"And now then," I said, "if you don't give me the truth of this matter +here and now, one of us two is going to be mighty sorry for it." + +In the early moments of my violence Boogles had protested weakly; then +he began to quiver perilously. On this I soothed him, and at the +precisely right moment I cajoled. I lured him to the bench by the corral +gate, and there I conferred costly cigarettes on him as man to man. +Discreetly then I sounded for the origins of a certain bad man who had a +way--even though they might crease him--of leaving deputy marshals where +he found them. Boogles smoked one of the cigarettes before he succumbed; +but first: + +"Let me git my work," said he, and was off to the bunk house. + +I observed his part in an extended parley before the door was opened to +him. He came to me on the bench a moment later, bearing a ball of +scarlet yarn, a large crochet hook of bone, and something begun in the +zephyr but as yet without form. + +"I'm making the madam a red one for her birthday," he confided. + +He bent his statesman's head above the task and wrought with nimble +fingers the while he talked. It was difficult, this talk of his, +scattered, fragmentary; and his mind would go from it, his voice expire +untimely. He must be prompted, recalled, questioned. His hands worked +with a very certain skill, but in his narrative he dropped stitches. +Made to pick these up, the result was still a droning monotony burdened +with many irrelevancies. I am loath to transcribe his speech. It were +better reported with an eye strictly to salience. + +You may see, then--and I hope with less difficulty than I had in +seeing--Jimmie Time and Boogles on night duty at the front of the little +Western Union Office off Park Row in the far city of New York. The law +of that city is tender to the human young. Night messenger boys must be +adults. It is one of the preliminary shocks to the visitor--to ring for +the messenger boy of tradition and behold in his uniform a venerable +gentleman with perhaps a flowing white beard. I still think Jimmie Time +and Boogles were beating the law--on a technicality. Of course Jimmie +was far descended into the vale of years, and even Boogles was +forty--but adults! + +It is three o'clock of a warm spring morning. The two legal adults +converse in whispers, like bad boys kept after school. They whisper so +as not to waken the manager, a blasé, mature youth of twenty who sleeps +expertly in the big chair back of the railing. They whisper of the +terrific hazards and the precarious rewards of their adventurous +calling. The hazards are nearly all provided by the youngsters who come +on the day watch--hardy ruffians of sixteen or so who not only "pick on" +these two but, with sportive affectations, often rob them, when they +change from uniform to civilian attire, of any spoil the night may have +brought them. They are powerless against these aggressions. They can but +whisper their indignation. + +Boogles eyed the sleeping manager. + +"I struck it fine to-night, Jimmie!" he whispered. Jimmie mutely +questioned. "Got a whole case note. You know that guy over to the +newspaper office--the one that's such a tank drama--he had to send a +note up to a girl in a show that he couldn't be there." + +"That tank drama? Sure, I know him. He kids me every time he's stewed." + +"He kids me, too, something fierce; and he give me the case note." + +"Them strong arms'll cop it on you when they get here," warned Jimmie. + +"Took my collar off and hid her on the inside of it. Oh, I know tricks!" + +"Chee! You're all to the Wall Street!" + +"I got to look out for my stepmother, too. She'd crown me with a chair +if she thought I held out on her. Beans me about every day just for +nothing anyway." + +"Don't you stand for it!" + +"Yah! All right for you to talk. You're the lucky guy. You're an orphan. +S'pose you had a stepmother! I wish I was an orphan." + +Jimmie swelled with the pride of orphanship. + +"Yes; I'd hate to have any parents knocking me round," he said. "But if +it ain't a stepmother then it's somebody else that beans you. A guy in +this burg is always getting knocked round by somebody." + +"Read some more of the novel," pleaded Boogles, to change the +distressing topic. + +Jimmie drew a tattered paper romance from the pocket of his faded coat +and pushed the cap back from his seamed old forehead. It went back +easily, having been built for a larger head than his. He found the place +he had marked at the end of his previous half-hour with literature. +Boogles leaned eagerly toward him. He loved being read to. Doing it +himself was too slow and painful: + +"'No,' said our hero in a clear, ringing voice; 'all your tainted gold +would not keep me here in the foul, crowded city. I must have the free, +wild life of the plains, the canter after the Texas steers, and the +fierce battles with my peers. For me the boundless, the glorious West!'" + +"Chee! It must be something grand--that wild life!" interrupted +Boogles. "That's the real stuff--the cowboy and trapper on them +peraries, hunting bufflers and Injuns. I seen a film--" + +Jimmie Time frowned at this. He did not like interruptions. He firmly +resumed the tale: + +"With a gesture of disdain our hero waved aside the proffered gold of +the scoundrelly millionaire and dashed down the stairway of the proud +mansion to where his gallant steed, Midnight, was champing at the +hitching post. At that moment--" + +Romance was snatched from the hands of Jimmie Time. The manager towered +above him. + +"Ain't I told you guys not to be taking up the company's time with them +novels?" he demanded. He sternly returned to his big chair behind the +railing, where he no less sternly took up his own perusal of the +confiscated tale. + +"The big stiff!" muttered Jimmie. "That's the third one he's copped on +me this week. A kid in this choint ain't got no rights! I got a good +notion to throw 'em down cold and go with the Postal people." + +"Never mind! I'll blow you to an ice cream after work," consoled +Boogles. + +"Ice cream!" Jimmie Time was contemptuous. "I want the free, wild life +of the boundless peraries. I want b'ar steaks br'iled on the glowing +coals of the camp fire. I want to be Little Sure Shot, trapper, scout, +and guide--" + +"Next out!" yelled the manager. "Hustle now!" + +Jimmie Time was next out. He hustled sullenly. + +Boogles, alone, slept fitfully on his bench until the young thugs of the +day watch straggled in. Then he achieved the change of his uniform to +civilian garments, with only the accustomed minor maltreatment at the +hands of these tormentors. True, with sportive affectations--yet with +deadly intentness--they searched him for possible loot; but only his +pockets. His dollar bill, folded inside his collar, went unfound. With +assumed jauntiness he strolled from the outlaws' den and safely reached +the street. + +The gilding on the castellated towers of the tallest building in the +world dazzled his blinking, foolish eyes. That was a glorious summit +which sang to the new sun, but no higher than his own elation at the +moment. Had he not come off with his dollar? He found balm and a tender +stimulus in the morning air--an air for dreams and revolt. Boogles felt +this as thousands of others must have felt it who were yet tamely +issuing from subway caverns and the Brooklyn Bridge to be wage slaves. + +A block away from the office he encountered Jimmie Time, who seemed to +await him importantly. He seethed with excitement. + +"I got one, too!" he called. "That tank drama he sent another note +uptown to a restaurant where a party was, and he give me a case note, +too." + +He revealed it; and when Boogles withdrew his own treasure the two were +lovingly compared and admired. Nothing in all the world can be so foul +to the touch as the dollar bill that circulates in New York, but these +two were intrepidly fondled. + +"I ain't going back to change," said Jimmie Time. "Them other kids would +cop it on me." + +"Have some cigarettes," urged Boogies, and royally bought them--with +gilded tips, in a beautiful casket. + +"I had about enough of their helling," declared Jimmie, still glowing +with a fine desperation. + +They sought the William Street Tunnel under the Brooklyn Bridge. It was +cool and dark there. One might smoke and take his ease. And plan! They +sprawled on the stone pavement and smoked largely. + +"Chee! If we could get out West and do all them fine things!" mused +Boogies. + +"Let's!" said Jimmie Time. + +"Huh!" Boogies gasped blankly at this. + +"Let's beat it!" + +"Chee!" said Boogies. He stared at this bolder spirit with startled +admiration. + +"Me--I'm going," declared Jimmie Time stoutly, and waited. + +Boogies wavered a tremulous moment. + +"I'm going with you," he managed at last. + +He blurted the words. They had to rush out to beat down his native +caution with quick blows. + +"Listen!" said Jimmie Time impressively. "We got money enough to start. +Then we just strike out for the peraries." + +"Like the guy in the story!" Boogies glowed at the adept who before his +very eyes was turning a beautiful dream into stark reality. He was +praying that his own courage to face it would endure. + +"You hurry home," commanded Jimmie, "and cop an axe and all the grub you +can lay your hands on." + +Boogies fell from the heights as he had feared he would. + +"Aw, chee!" he said sanely. "And s'pose me stepmother gets her lamps on +me! Wouldn't she bean me? Sure she would!" + +"Bind her and gag her," said Jimmie promptly. "What's one weak woman?" + +"Yah! She's a hellion and you know it." + +"Listen!" said Jimmie sternly. "If you're going into the wild and +lawless life of the peraries with me you got to learn to get things. +Jesse James or Morgan's men could get me that axe and that grub, and not +make one-two-three of it." + +"Them guys had practice--and likely they never had to go against their +stepmothers." + +"Do I go alone, then?" + +"Well, now--" + +"Will you or won't you?" + +Boogies drew a fateful breath. + +"I'll take a chance. You wait here. If I ain't back in one hour you'll +know I been murdered." + +"Good, my man!" said Jimmie Time with the air of an outlaw chief. "Be +off at once." + +Boogies was off. And Boogies was back in less than the hour with a +delectable bulging meal sack. He was trembling but radiant. + +"She seen me gitting away and she yelled her head off," he gasped; "but +you bet I never stopped. I just thought of Jesse James and General +Grant, and run like hell!" + +"Good, my man!" said Jimmie Time; and then, with a sudden gleam of the +practical, he inventoried the commissary and quartermaster supplies in +the sack. He found them to be: One hatchet; one well-used boiled +hambone; six greasy sugared crullers; four dill pickles; a bottle of +catchup; two tomatoes all but obliterated in transit; two loaves of +bread; a flatiron. + +Jimmie cast the last item from him. + +"Wh'd you bring that for?" he demanded. + +"I don't know," confessed Boogies. "I just put it in. Mebbe I was afraid +she'd throw it at me when I was making my getaway. It'll be good for +cracking nuts if we find any on the peraries. I bet they have nuts!" + +"All right, then. You can carry it if you want to, pard." + +Jimmie thrust the bundle into Boogies' arms and valiantly led a +desperate way to the North River. Boogies panted under his burden as +they dodged impatient taxicabs. So they came into the maze of dock +traffic by way of Desbrosses Street. The eyes of both were lit by +adventure. Jimmie pushed through the crowd on the wharf to a ticket +office. A glimpse through a door of the huge shed had given him +inspiration. No common ferryboats for them! He had seen the stately +river steamer, _Robert Fulton_, gay with flags and bunting, awaiting the +throng of excursionists. He recklessly bought tickets. So far, so good. +A momentous start had been made. + +At this very interesting point in his discourse to me, however, Boogies +began to miss explosions too frequently. From the disorderly jumble of +his narrative to this moment I believe I have brought something like the +truth; I have caused the widely scattered parts to cohere. After this I +could make little of his maunderings. + +They were on the crowded boat and the boat steamed up the Hudson River; +and they disembarked at a thriving Western town--which, I gather, was +Yonkers--because Boogies feared his stepmother might trace him to this +boat, and because Jimmie Time became convinced that detectives were on +his track, wanting him for the embezzlement of a worn but still +practicable uniform of the Western Union Telegraph Company. So it was +agreed that they should take to the trackless forest, where there are +ways of throwing one's pursuers off the scent; where they would travel +by night, guided by the stars, and lay up by day, subsisting on spring +water and a little pemmican--source undisclosed. They were not going to +be taken alive--that was understood. + +They hurried through the streets of this thriving Western town, +ultimately boarding an electric car--with a shrewd eye out for the +hellhounds of the law; and the car took them to the beginning of the +frontier, where they found the trackless forest. They reached the depths +of this forest after climbing a stone wall; and Jimmie Time said the +West looked good to him and that he could already smell the "b'ar steaks +br'iling." + +Plain enough still, perhaps; but immediately it seemed that a princess +had for some time been sharing this great adventure. She was a beautiful +golden-haired princess, though quite small, and had flowers in her hair +and put some in the cap of Jimmie Time--behind the nickel badge--and +said she would make him her court dwarf or jester or knight, or +something; only the scout who was with her said this was rather silly +and that they had better be getting home or they knew very well what +would happen to them. But when they got lost Jimmie Time looked at this +scout's rifle and said it was a first-class rifle, and would knock an +Indian or a wild animal silly. + +And the scout smoked a cigarette and got sick by it, and cried something +fierce; so they made a fire, and the princess didn't get sick when she +smoked hers, but told them a couple of bully stories, like reading in a +book, and ate every one of the greasy sugared crullers, because she was +a genuine princess, and Boogies thought at this time that maybe the +boundless West wasn't what it was cracked up to be; so, after they met +the madam, the madam said, well, if they was wanting to go out West they +might as well come along here; and they said all right--as long as they +was wanting to go out West anyway, why, they might as well come along +with her as with anybody else. + +And that Chink would mighty soon find out if Little Sure Shot wasn't the +real Peruvian doughnuts, because that old murderer would sure have him +hard to find, come sundown; still, he was glad he had come along with +the madam, because back there it wasn't any job for you, account of +getting too fat for the uniform, with every one giving you the laugh +that way--and they wouldn't get you a bigger one--. + +I left Boogies then, though he seemed not to know it. His needle worked +swiftly on the red one he was making for the madam, and his aimless, +random phrases seemed to flow as before; but I knew now where to apply +for the details that had been too many for his slender gift of +narrative. + +At four that afternoon Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, accompanied by one +Buck Devine, a valued retainer, rode into the yard and dismounted. She +at once looked searchingly about her. Then she raised her voice, which +is a carrying voice even when not raised: "You, Jimmie Time!" + +Once was enough. The door of the bunk house swung slowly open and the +disgraced one appeared in all his shameful panoply. The cap was pulled +well down over a face hopelessly embittered. The shrunken little figure +drooped. + +"None of that hiding out!" admonished his judge. "You keep standing +round out here where decent folks can look at you and see what a bad +boy you are." + +With a glance she identified me as one of the decent she would have +edified. Jimmie Time muttered evilly in undertones and slouched forward, +head down. + +"Ain't he the hostile wretch?" called Buck Devine, who stood with the +horses. He spoke with a florid but false admiration. + +Jimmie Time, snarling, turned on him: "You go to--." + +I perceived that Lew Wee the night before had delicately indicated by a +mere initial letter a bad word that could fall trippingly from the lips +of Jimmie. + +"Sure!" agreed Buck Devine cordially. "And say, take this here telegram +up to the corner of Broadway and Harlem; and move lively now--don't you +stop to read any of them nickel liberries." + +I saw what a gentleman should do. I turned my back on the piteous figure +of Jimmie Time. I moved idly off, as if the spectacle of his ignominy +had never even briefly engaged me. + +"Shoot up a good cook, will you?" said the lady grimly. "I'll give you +your needings." She followed me to the house. + +On the west porch, when she had exchanged the laced boots, khaki riding +breeches, and army shirt for a most absurdly feminine house gown, we had +tea. Her nose was powdered, and her slippers were bronzed leather and +monstrous small. She mingled Scotch whiskey with the tea and drank her +first cupful from a capacious saucer. + +"That fresh bunch of campers!" she began. "What you reckon they did last +night? Cut my wire fence in two places over on the west flat--yes, +sir!--had a pair of wire clippers in the whip socket. What I didn't give +'em! Say, ain't it a downright wonder I still retain my girlish +laughter?" + +But then, after she had refused my made cigarette for one of her own +deft handiwork, she spoke as I wished her to: + +"Yes; three years ago. Me visiting a week at the home of Mrs. W.B. +Hemingway and her husband, just outside of Yonkers, back in York State. +A very nice swell home, with a nice front yard and everything. And also +Mrs. W.B.'s sister and her little boy, visiting her from Albany, the +sister's name being Mrs. L.H. Cummins, and the boy being nine years old +and named Rupert Cummins, Junior; and very junior he was for his age, +too--I will say that. He was a perfectly handsome little boy; but you +might call him a blubberhead if you wanted to, him always being scared +silly and pestered and rough-housed out of his senses by his little girl +cousin, Margery Hemingway--Mrs. W.B.'s little girl, you understand--and +her only seven, or two years younger than Junior, but leading him round +into all kinds of musses till his own mother was that demoralized after +a couple of days she said if that Margery child was hers she'd have her +put away in some good institution. + +"Of course she only told that to me, not to Margery's mother. I don't +know--mebbe she would of put her away, she was that frightened little +Margery would get Junior killed off in some horrible manner, like the +time she got him to see how high he dast jump out of the apple tree +from, or like the time she told him, one ironing day, that if he drank a +whole bowlful of starch it would make him have whiskers like his pa in +fifteen minutes. Things like that--not fatal, mebbe, but wearing. + +"Well, this day come a telegram about nine A.M. for Mrs. W.B., that her +aunt, with money, is very sick in New Jersey, which is near Yonkers; so +she and Mrs. L.H. Cummins, her sister, must go to see about this +aunt--and would I stay and look after the two kids and not let them get +poisoned or killed or anything serious? And they might have to stay +overnight, because the aunt was eccentric and often thought she was +sick; but this time she might be right. She was worth all the way from +three to four hundred thousand dollars. + +"So I said I'd love to stay and look after the little ones. I wanted to +stay. Shopping in New York City the day before, two bargain sales--one +being hand-embroidered Swiss waists from two-ninety-eight upward--I felt +as if a stampede of longhorns had caught me. Darned near bedfast I was! +Say, talk about the pale, weak, nervous city woman with exhausted +vitality! See 'em in action first, say I. There was a corn-fed hussy in +a plush bonnet with forget-me-nots, two hundred and thirty or forty on +the hoof, that exhausted my vitality all right--no holds barred, an arm +like first-growth hick'ry across my windpipe, and me up against a solid +pillar of structural ironwork! Once I was wrastled by a cinnamon bear +that had lately become a mother; but the poor old thing would have lost +her life with this dame after the hand-embroidereds. Gee! I was lame in +places I'd lived fifty-eight years and never knew I had. + +"So off went these ladies, with Mrs. L.H. Cummins giving me special and +private warning to be sure and keep Junior well out of it in case little +mischievous Margery started anything that would be likely to kill her. +And I looked forward to a quiet day on the lounge, where I could ache in +peace and read the 'Famous Crimes of History,' which the W.B.'s had in +twelve volumes--you wouldn't have thought there was that many, would +you? I dressed soft, out of respect to my corpse, and picked out a +corking volume of these here Crimes and lay on the big lounge by an open +window where the breeze could soothe me and where I could keep tabs on +the little ones at their sports; and everything went as right as if I +had been in some A-Number-One hospital where I had ought to of been. + +"Lunchtime come before I knew it; and I had mine brought to my bed of +pain by the Swede on a tray, while the kids et theirs in an orderly and +uproarious manner in the dining-room. Rupert, Junior, was dressed like +one of these boy scouts and had his air gun at the table with him, and +little Margery was telling him there was, too, fairy princes all round +in different places; and she bet she could find one any day she wanted +to. They seemed to be all safe enough, so I took up my Crimes again. +Really, ain't history the limit?--the things they done in it and got +away with--never even being arrested or fined or anything! + +"Pretty soon I could hear the merry prattle of the little ones again out +in the side yard. Ain't it funny how they get the gambling spirit so +young? I'd hear little Margery say: 'I bet you can't!' And Rupert, +Junior, would say:' I bet I can, too!' And off they'd go ninety miles on +a straight track: 'I bet you'd be afraid to!'--'I bet I wouldn't +be!'--'I bet you'd run as fast!'--'I bet I never would!' Ever see such +natural-born gamblers? And it's all about what Rupert, Junior, would do +if he seen a big tiger in some woods--Rupert betting he'd shoot it dead, +right between the eyes, and Margery taking the other end. She has by far +the best end of it, I think, it being at least a forty-to-one shot that +Rupert, the boy scout, is talking high and wide. And I drop into the +Crimes again at a good, murderous place with stilettos. + +"I can't tell even now how it happened. All I know is that it was two +o'clock, and all at once it was five-thirty P.M. by a fussy gold clock +over on the mantel with a gold young lady, wearing a spear, standing on +top of it. I woke up without ever suspicioning that I'd been asleep. +Anyway, I think I'm feeling better, and I stretch, though careful, +account of the dame in the plush bonnet with forget-me-nots; and I lie +there thinking mebbe I'll enter the ring again to-morrow for some other +truck I was needing, and thinking how quiet and peaceful it is--how +awful quiet! I got it then, all right. That quiet! If you'd known little +Margery better you'd know how sick that quiet made me all at once. My +gizzard or something turned clean over. + +"I let out a yell for them kids right where I lay. Then I bounded to my +feet and run through the rooms downstairs yelling. No sign of 'em! And +out into the kitchen--and here was Tillie, the maid, and Yetta, the +cook, both saying it's queer, but they ain't heard a sound of 'em +either, for near an hour. So I yelled out back to an old hick of a +gardener that's deef, and he comes running; but he don't know a thing on +earth about the kids or anything else. Then I am sick! I send Tillie one +way along the street and the gardener the other way to find out if any +neighbours had seen 'em. Then in a minute this here Yetta, the cook, +says: 'Why, now, Miss Margery was saying she'd go downtown to buy some +candy,' and Yetta says: 'You know, Miss Margery, your mother never 'ets +you have candy.' And Margery says: 'Well, she might change her mind any +minute--you can't tell; and it's best to have some on hand in case she +does.' And she'd got some poker chips out of the box to buy the candy +with--five blue chips she had, knowing they was nearly money anyway. + +"And when Yetta seen it was only poker chips she knew the kid couldn't +buy candy with 'em--not even in Yonkers; so she didn't think any more +about it until it come over her--just like that--how quiet everything +was. Oh, that Yetta would certainly be found bone clear to the centre if +her skull was ever drilled--the same stuff they slaughter the poor +elephants for over in Africa--going so far away, with Yetta right there +to their hands, as you might say. And I'm getting sicker and sicker! I'd +have retained my calm mind, mind you, if they had been my own kids--but +kids of others I'd been sacredly trusted with! + +"And then down the back stairs comes this here sandy-complected, +horse-faced plumber that had been frittering away his time all day up in +a bathroom over one little leak, and looking as sad and mournful as if +he hadn't just won eight dollars, or whatever it was. He must have been +born that way--not even being a plumber had cheered him up. + +"'Blackhanders!'" he says right off, kind of brightening a little bit. + +"I like to fainted for fair! He says they had lured the kids off with +candy and popcorn, and would hold 'em in a tenement house for ten +thousand dollars, to be left on a certain spot at twelve P.M. He seemed +to know a lot about their ways. + +"'They got the Honourable Simon T. Griffenbaugh's youngest that way,' +he says, 'only a month ago. Likely the same gang got these two.' + +"'How do you know?' I asks him. + +"'Well,' he says, 'they's a gang of over two hundred of these I-talian +Blackhanders working right now on a sewer job something about two miles +up the road. That's how I know,' he says. 'That's plain enough, ain't +it? It's as plain as the back of my hand. What chance would them two +defenceless little children have with a gang of two hundred +Blackhanders?' + +"But that looked foolish, even to me. 'Shucks!' I says. 'That don't +stand to reason.' But then I got another scare. 'How about water?' I +says. 'Any places round here they could fall into and get drownded?' + +"He'd looked glum again when I said two hundred Blackhanders didn't +sound reasonable; but he cheers up at this and says: 'Oh, yes; lots of +places they could drownd--cricks and rivers and lakes and ponds and +tanks--any number of places they could fall into and never come up +again.' Say, he made that whole neighbourhood sound like Venice, Italy. +You wondered how folks ever got round without gondolas or something. +'One of Dr. George F. Maybury's two kids was nearly drownded last +Tuesday--only the older one saved him; a wonder it was they didn't have +to drag the river and find 'em on the bottom locked in each other's +arms! And a boy by the name of Clifford Something, only the other day, +playing down by the railroad tracks--' + +"I shut him off, you bet! I told him to get out quick and go to his home +if he had one. + +"'I certainly hope I won't have to read anything horrible in to-morrow's +paper!' he says as he goes down the back stoop. 'Only last week they was +a nigger caught--' + +"I shut the door on him. Rattled good and plenty I was by then. Back +comes this silly old gardener--he'd gone with his hoe and was still +gripping it. The neighbours down that way hadn't seen the kids. Back +comes Tillie. One neighbour where she'd been had seen 'em climb on to a +street car--only it wasn't going downtown but into the country; and this +neighbour had said to herself that the boy would be likely to let some +one have it in the eye with his gun, the careless way he was lugging it. + +"Thank the Lord, that was a trace! I telephoned to the police and told +'em all about it. And I telephoned for a motor car for me and got into +some clothes. Good and scared--yes! I caught sight of my face in the +looking-glass, and, my! but it was pasty--it looked like one of these +cheap apple pies you see in the window of a two-bit lunch place! And +while I'm waiting for this motor car, what should come but a telegram +from Mr. W.B. himself saying that the aunt was worse and he would go to +New Jersey himself for the night! Some said this aunt was worth a good +deal more than she was supposed to be. And I not knowing the name of +this town in Jersey where they would all be!--it was East Something or +West Something, and hard to remember, and I'd forgot it. + +"I called the police again and they said descriptions was being sent +out, and that probably I'd better not worry, because they often had +cases like this. And I offered to bet them they hadn't a case since +Yonkers was first thought of that had meant so much spot cash to 'em as +this one would mean the minute I got a good grip on them kids. So this +cop said mebbe they had better worry a little, after all, and they'd +send out two cars of their own and scour the country, and try to find +the conductor of this street car that the neighbour woman had seen the +kids get on to. + +"I r'ared round that house till the auto come that I'd ordered. It was +late coming, naturally, and nearly dark when it got there; but we +covered a lot of miles while the daylight lasted, with the man looking +sharp out along the road, too, because he had three kids of his own that +would do any living thing sometimes, though safe at home and asleep at +that minute, thank God! + +"It was moisting when we started, and pretty soon it clouded up and the +dark came on, and I felt beat. We got fair locoed. We'd go down one road +and then back the same way. We stopped to ask everybody. Then we found +the two autos sent out by the police. I told the cops again what would +happen to 'em from me the minute the kids was found--the kids or their +bodies. I was so despairing--what with that damned plumber and +everything! I'll bet he's the merry chatterbox in his own home. The +police said cheer up--nothing like that, with the country as safe as a +church. But we went over to this Blackhanders' construction camp, just +the same, to make sure, and none of the men was missing, the boss said, +and no children had been seen; and anyway his men was ordinary decent +wops and not Blackhanders--and blamed if about fifty of 'em didn't turn +out to help look! Yes, sir, there they was--foreigners to the last man +except the boss, who was Irish--and acting just like human beings. + +"It was near ten o'clock now; so we went to a country saloon to +telephone police headquarters, and they had found the car conductor, he +remembering because he had threatened to put the boy scout off the car +if he didn't quit pointing his gun straight at an old man with gold +spectacles setting across the aisle. And finally they had got off +themselves about three miles down the road; he'd watched 'em climb over +a stone wall and start up a hill into some woods that was there. And he +was Conductor Number Twenty-seven, if we wanted to know that. + +"We beat it to that spot after I'd powdered my nose and we'd had a quick +round of drinks. The policemen knew where it was. It wasn't moisting any +more--it was raining for fair; and we done some ground-and-lofty +skidding before we got there. We found the stone wall all right and the +slope leading up to the woods; but, my Lord, there was a good half mile +of it! We strung out--four cops and my driver and me--hundreds of yards +apart and all yelling, so maybe the poor lost things would hear us. + +"We made up to the woods without raising a sign; and, my lands, wasn't +it dark inside the woods! I worked forward, trying to keep straight from +tree to tree; but I stumbled and tore my clothes and sprained my wrist, +and blacked one eye the prettiest you'd want to see--mighty near being a +blubberhead myself, I was--it not being my kids, you understand. Oh, I +kept to it though! I'd have gone straight up the grand old state of New +York into Lake Erie if something hadn't stopped me. + +"It was a light off through the pine and oak trees, and down in a kind +of little draw--not a lamplight but a fire blazing up. I yelled to both +sides toward the others. I can yell good when I'm put to it. Then I +started for the light. I could make out figures round the fire. Mebbe +it's a Blackhanders' camp, I think; so I didn't yell any more. I +cat-footed. And in a minute I was up close and seen 'em--there in the +dripping rain. + +"Rupert, Junior, was asleep, leaned setting up against a tree, with a +messenger boy's cap on. And Margery was asleep on a pile of leaves, with +her cheek on one hand and something over her. And a fat man was asleep +on his back, with his mouth open, making an awful fuss about it. And the +only one that wasn't asleep was a funny little old man setting against +another tree. He had on the scout's campaign hat and he held the gun +across his chest in the crook of his arm. He hadn't any coat on. Then I +see his coat was what was over Margery; and I looked closer and it was a +messenger boy's coat. + +"I was more floored than ever when I took that in. I made a little move, +and this funny old man must have heard me--he looked like one of them +silly little critters that play hob with Rip Van Winkle out on the +mountain before he goes to sleep. And he cocks his ears this way and +that; then he jumped to his feet, and I come forward where he could see +me. And darned if he didn't up with this here air gun of Rupert's, like +a flash, and plunk me with a buckshot it carried--right on my sprained +wrist, too! + +"Say, I let out a yell, and I had him by the neck of his shirt in one +grab. I was still shaking him when the others come to. The fat man set +up and rubbed his eyes and blinked. That's all he done. Rupert woke up +the same minute and begun to cry like a baby; and Margery woke up, but +she didn't cry. She took a good look at me and she says: 'You let him +alone! He's my knight--he slays all the dragons. He's a good knight!' + +"There I was, still shaking the little old man--I'd forgot all about +him. So I dropped him on the ground and reached for Margery; and I was +so afraid I was going to blubber like Rupert, the scout, that I let out +some words to keep from it. Yes, sir; I admit it. + +"'Oh! Oh! Oh! Swearing!' says Rupert. I shall tell mother and Aunt Hilda +just what you said!' + +"Mebby you can get Rupert's number from that. I did anyway. I stood up +from Margery and cuffed him. He went on sobbing, but not without reason. + +"'Margery Hemingway,' I says, 'how dare you!' And she looks up all cool +and cunning, and says: 'Ho! I bet I know worse words than what you said! +See if I don't.' So then I shut her off mighty quick. But still she +didn't cry. 'I s'pose I must go back home,' she says. 'And perhaps it is +all for the best. I have a very beautiful home. Perhaps I should stay +there oftener.' + +"I turned on the Blackhanders. + +"'Did these brutes entice you away with candy?' I demanded. 'Was they +holding you here for ransom?' + +"'Huh! I should think not!' she says. 'They are a couple of 'fraid-cats. +They were afraid as anything when we all got lost in these woods and +wanted to keep on finding our way out. And I said I bet they were awful +cowards, and the fat one said of course he was; but this old one became +very, very indignant and said he bet he wasn't any more of a coward than +I am, but we simply ought to go where there were more houses. And so I +consented and we got lost worse than ever--about a hundred miles, I +think--in this dense forest and we couldn't return to our beautiful +homes. And this one said he was a trapper, scout, and guide; so he built +this lovely fire and I ate a lot of crullers the silly things had +brought with them. And then this old one flung his robe over me because +I was a princess, and it made me invisible to prowling wolves; and +anyway he sat up to shoot them with his deadly rifle that he took away +from Cousin Rupert. And Cousin Rupert became very tearful indeed; so we +took his hat away, too, because it's a truly scout hat.' + +"'And she smoked a cigarette,' says Rupert, still sobbing. + +"'He smoked one, too, and I mean to tell his mother,' says Margery. +'It's something I think she ought to know.' + +"'It made me sick,' says Rupert. 'It was a poison cigarette; I nearly +died.' + +"'Mine never made me sick,' says Margery--'only it was kind of sting-y +to the tongue and I swallowed smoke through my nose repeatedly. And +first, this old one wouldn't give us the cigarettes at all, until I +threatened to cast a spell on him and turn him into a toad forever. I +never did that to any one, but I bet I could. And the fat one cried like +anything and begged me not to turn the old one into a toad, and the old +one said he didn't think I could in a thousand years, but he wouldn't +take any chances in the Far West; so he gave us the cigarettes, and +Rupert only smoked half of his and then he acted in a very common way, I +must say. And this old one said we would have br'iled b'ar steaks for +breakfast. What is a br'iled b'ar steak? I'm hungry.' + +"Such was little angel-faced Margery. Does she promise to make life +interesting for those who love her, or does she not? + +"Well, that's all. Of course these cops when they come up said the two +men was desperate crooks wanted in every state in the Union; but I swore +I knew them both well and they was harmless; and I made it right with +'em about the reward as soon as I got back to a check book. After that +they'd have believed anything I said. And I sent something over to the +Blackhanders that had turned out to help look, and something to +Conductor Number Twenty-seven. And the next day I squared myself with +Mrs. W.B. Hemingway and her husband, and Mrs. L.H. Cummins, when they +come back, the aunt not having been sick but only eccentric again. + +"And them two poor homeless boys--they kind of got me, I admit, after +I'd questioned 'em awhile. So I coaxed 'em out here where they could +lead the wild, free life. Kind of sad and pathetic, almost, they was. +The fat one I found was just a kind of natural-born one--a feeb you +understand--and the old one had a scar that the doctor said explained +him all right--you must have noticed it up over his temple. It's where +his old man laid him out once, when he was a kid, with a stovelifter. It +seemed to stop his works. + +"Yes; they're pretty good boys. Boogies was never bad but once, account +of two custard pies off the kitchen window sill. I threatened him with +his stepmother and he hid under the house for twenty-four hours. The +other one is pretty good, too. This is only the second time I had to +punish him for fooling with live ca'tridges. There! It's sundown and +he's got on his Wild Wests again." + +Jimmie Time swaggered from the bunk house in his fearsome regalia. Under +the awed observation of Boogles he wheeled, drew, and shot from the hip +one who had cravenly sought to attack him from the rear. + +"My, but he's hostile!" murmured my hostess. "Ain't he just the hostile +little wretch?" + + + + +IV + +ONCE A SCOTCHMAN, ALWAYS + + +Terrific sound waves beat upon the Arrowhead ranch house this night. At +five o'clock a hundred and twenty Hereford calves had been torn from +their anguished mothers for the first time and shut into a too adjacent +feeding pen. Mothers and offspring, kept a hundred yards apart by two +stout fences, unceasingly bawled their grief, a noble chorus of yearning +and despair. The calves projected a high, full-throated barytone, with +here and there a wailing tenor against the rumbling bass of their dams. +And ever and again pealed distantly into the chorus the flute obbligato +of an emotional coyote down on the flat. There was never a diminuendo. +The fortissimo had been steadily maintained for three hours and would +endure the night long, perhaps for two other nights. + +At eight o'clock I sleepily wondered how I should sleep. And thus +wondering, I marvelled at the indifference to the racket of my hostess, +Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill. Through dinner and now as she read a San +Francisco newspaper she had betrayed no consciousness of it. She read +her paper and from time to time she chuckled. + +"How do you like it?" I demanded, referring to the monstrous din. + +"It's great," she said, plainly referring to something else. "One of +them real upty-up weddings in high life, with orchestras and bowers of +orchids and the bride a vision of loveliness--" + +"I mean the noise." + +"What noise?" She put the paper aside and stared at me, listening +intently. I saw that she was honestly puzzled, even as the chorus +swelled to unbelievable volume. I merely waved a hand. The coyote was +then doing a most difficult tremolo high above the clamour. + +"Oh, that!" said my enlightened hostess. "That's nothing; just a little +bunch of calves being weaned. We never notice that--and say, they got +the groom's mother in here, too. Yes, sir, Ellabelle in all her tiaras +and sunbursts and dog collars and diamond chest protectors--Mrs. Angus +McDonald, mother of groom, in a stunning creation! I bet they didn't +need any flashlight when they took her, not with them stones all over +her person. They could have took her in a coal cellar." + +"How do you expect to sleep with all that going on?" I insisted. + +"All what? Oh, them calves. That's nothing! Angus says to her when they +first got money: 'Whatever you economize in, let it not be in diamonds!' +He says nothing looks so poverty-stricken as a person that can only +afford a few. Better wear none at all than just a mere handful, he +says. What do you think of that talk from a man named Angus McDonald? +You'd think a Scotchman and his money was soon parted, but I heard him +say it from the heart out. And yet Ellabelle never does seem to get him. +Only a year ago, when I was at this here rich place down from San +Francisco where they got the new marble palace, there was a lovely +blow-up and Ellabelle says to me in her hysteria: 'Once a Scotchman, +always a Scotchman!' Oh, she was hysteric all right! She was like what I +seen about one of the movie actresses, 'the empress of stormy emotion.' +Of course she feels better now, after the wedding and all this newspaper +guff. And it was a funny blow-up. I don't know as I blamed her at the +time." + +I now closed a window and a door upon the noisy September night. It +helped a little. I went back to a chair nearer to this woman with ears +trained in rejection. That helped more. I could hear her now, save in +the more passionate intervals of the chorus. + +"All right, then. What was the funny blow-up?" She caught the +significance of the closed door and window. + +"But that's music," she insisted. "Why, I'd like to have a good record +of about two hundred of them white-faced beauties being weaned, so I +could play it on a phonograph when I'm off visiting--only it would make +me too homesick." She glanced at the closed door and window in a way +that I found sinister. + +"I couldn't hear you," I suggested. + +"Oh, all right!" She listened wistfully a moment to the now slightly +dulled oratorio, then: "Yes, Angus McDonald is his name; but there are +two kinds of Scotch, and Angus is the other kind. Of course he's one of +the big millionaires now, with money enough to blind any kind of a +Scotchman, but he was the other kind even when he first come out to us, +a good thirty years ago, without a cent. He's a kind of second or third +cousin of mine by marriage or something--I never could quite work it +out--and he'd learned his trade back in Ohio; but he felt that the East +didn't have any future to speak of, so he decided to come West. He was a +painter and grainer and kalsominer and paperhanger, that kind of +thing--a good, quiet boy about twenty-five, not saying much, chunky and +slow-moving but sure, with a round Scotch head and a snub nose, and one +heavy eyebrow that run clean across his face--not cut in two like most +are. + +"He landed on the ranch and slowly looked things over and let on after a +few days that he mebbe would be a cowboy on account of it taking him +outdoors more than kalsomining would. Lysander John was pretty busy, but +he said all right, and gave him a saddle and bridle and a pair of bull +pants and warned him about a couple of cinch-binders that he mustn't try +to ride or they would murder him. And so one morning Angus asked a +little bronch-squeezer we had, named Everett Sloan, to pick him out +something safe to ride, and Everett done so. Brought him up a nice old +rope horse that would have been as safe as a supreme-court judge, but +the canny Angus says: 'No, none of your tricks now! That beast has the +very devil in his eye, and you wish to sit by and laugh your fool head +off when he displaces me.' 'Is that so?' says Everett. 'I suspect you,' +says Angus. 'I've read plentifully about the tricks of you cowlads.' +'Pick your own horse, then,' says Everett. 'I'd better,' says Angus, and +picks one over by the corral gate that was asleep standing up, with a +wisp of hay hanging out of his mouth like he'd been too tired to finish +eating it. 'This steed is more to my eye,' says Angus. 'He's old and +withered and he has no evil ambitions. But maybe I can wake him up.' +'Maybe you can,' says Everett, 'but are you dead sure you want to?' +Angus was dead sure. 'I shall thwart your murderous design,' says he. So +Everett with a stung look helped him saddle this one. He had his alibi +all right, and besides, nothing ever did worry that buckaroo as long as +his fingers wasn't too cold to roll a cigarette. + +"The beast was still asleep when Angus forked him. Without seeming to +wake up much he at once traded ends, poured Angus out of the saddle, and +stacked him up in some mud that was providentially there--mud soft +enough to mire your shadow. Angus got promptly up, landed a strong kick +in the ribs of the outlaw which had gone to sleep again before he lit, +shook hands warmly with Everett and says: 'What does a man need with two +trades anyway? Good-bye!' + +"But when Lysander John hears about it he says Angus has just the right +stuff in him for a cowman. He says he has never known one yet that you +could tell anything to before he found it out for himself, and Angus +must sure have the makings of a good one, so he persuades him to stay +round for a while, working at easy jobs that couldn't stack him up, and +later he sent him to Omaha with the bunch in charge of a trainload of +steers. + +"The trip back was when his romance begun. Angus had kept fancy-free up +to that time, being willing enough but thoroughly cautious. Do you +remember the eating-house at North Platte, Nebraska? The night train +from Omaha would reach there at breakfast time and you'd get out in the +frosty air, hungry as a confirmed dyspeptic, and rush into the big red +building past the man that was rapidly beating on a gong with one of +these soft-ended bass-drum sticks. My, the good hot smells inside! +Tables already loaded with ham and eggs and fried oysters and fried +chicken and sausage and fried potatoes and steaks and hot biscuits and +corn bread and hot cakes and regular coffee--till you didn't know which +to begin on, and first thing you knew you had your plate loaded with too +many things--but how you did eat!--and yes, thank you, another cup of +coffee, and please pass the sirup this way. And no worry about the +train pulling out, because there the conductor is at that other table +and it can't go without him, so take your time--and about three more of +them big fried oysters, the only good fried ones I ever had in the +world! To this day I get hungry thinking of that North Platte breakfast, +and mad when I go into the dining-car as we pass there and try to get +the languid mulatto to show a little enthusiasm. + +"Well, they had girls at that eating-house. Of course no one ever +noticed 'em much, being too famished and busy. You only knew in a +general way that females was passing the food along. But Angus actually +did notice Ellabelle, though it must have been at the end of the meal, +mebbe when she was pouring the third cup. Ellabelle was never right +pretty to my notion, but she had some figure and kind of a sad dignity, +and her brown hair lacked the towers and minarets and golden domes that +the other girls built with their own or theirs by right of purchase. And +she seems to have noticed Angus from the very first. Angus saw that when +she wasn't passing the fried chicken or the hot biscuits along, even for +half a minute, she'd pick up a book from the window sill and glance +studiously at its pages. He saw the book was called 'Lucile.' And he +looked her over some more--between mouthfuls, of course--the +neat-fitting black dress revealing every line of her lithe young figure, +like these magazine stories say, the starched white apron and the look +of sad dignity that had probably come of fresh drummers trying to teach +her how to take a joke, and the smooth brown hair--he'd probably got +wise to the other kind back in the social centres of Ohio--and all at +once he saw there was something about her. He couldn't tell what it was, +but he knew it was there. He heard one of the over-haired ones call her +Ellabelle, and he committed the name to memory. + +"He also remembered the book she was reading. He come back with a copy +he'd bought at Spokane and kept it on his bureau. Not that he read it +much. It was harder to get into than 'Peck's Bad Boy,' which was his +favourite reading just then. + +"Pretty soon another load of steers is ready--my sakes, what scrubby +runts we sent off the range in them days compared to now!--and Angus +pleads to go, so Lysander John makes a place for him and, coming back, +here's Ellabelle handing the hot things along same as ever, with +'Lucile' at hand for idle moments. This time Angus again made certain +there was something about her. He cross-examined her, I suppose, between +the last ham and eggs and the first hot cakes. Her folks was corn +farmers over in Iowa and she'd gone to high school and had meant to be a +teacher, but took this job because with her it was anything to get out +of Iowa, which she spoke of in a warm, harsh way. + +"Angus nearly lost the train that time, making certain there was +something about her. He told her to be sure and stay there till he +showed up again. He told me about her when he got back. 'There's +something about her,' he says. 'I suspect it's her eyes, though it might +be something else.' + +"Me? I suspected there was something about her, too; only I thought it +was just that North Platte breakfast and his appetite. No meal can ever +be like breakfast to them that's two-fisted, and Angus was. He'd think +there was something about any girl, I says to myself, seeing her through +the romantic golden haze of them North Platte breakfast victuals. Of +course I didn't suggest any such base notion to Angus, knowing how +little good it does to talk sense to a man when he thinks there's +something about a girl. He tried to read 'Lucile' again, but couldn't +seem to strike any funny parts. + +"Next time he went to Omaha, a month later, he took his other suit and +his new boots. 'I shall fling caution to the winds and seal my fate,' he +says. 'There's something about her, and some depraved scoundrel might +find it out.' 'All right, go ahead and seal,' I says. 'You can't expect +us to be shipping steers every month just to give you twenty minutes +with a North Platte waiter girl.' 'Will she think me impetuous?' says +he. 'Better that than have her think you ain't,' I warns him. 'Men have +been turned down for ten million reasons, and being impetuous is about +the only one that was never numbered among them. It will be strange +o'clock when that happens.' 'She's different,' says Angus. 'Of course,' +I says. 'We're all different. That's what makes us so much alike.' 'You +might know,' says he doubtfully. + +"He proved I did, on the trip back. He marched up to Ellabelle's end of +the table in his other suit and his new boots and a startling necktie +he'd bought at a place near the stockyards in South Omaha, and proposed +honourable marriage to her, probably after the first bite of sausage and +while she was setting his coffee down. 'And you've only twenty minutes,' +he says, 'so hurry and pack your grip. We'll be wed when we get off the +train.' 'You're too impetuous,' says Ellabelle, looking more than ever +as if there was something about her. 'There, I was afraid I'd be,' says +Angus, quitting on some steak and breaking out into scarlet rash. 'What +did you think I am?' demands Ellabelle. 'Did you think I would answer +your beck and call or your lightest nod as if I were your slave or +something? Little you know me,' she says, tossing her head indignantly. +'I apologize bitterly,' says Angus. 'The very idea is monstrous,' says +she. 'Twenty minutes--and with all my packing! You will wait over till +the four-thirty-two this afternoon,' she goes on, very stern and +nervous, 'or all is over between us.' 'I'll wait as long as that for +you,' says Angus, going to the steak again. 'Are the other meals here as +good as breakfast?' 'There's one up the street,' says Ellabelle; 'a +Presbyterian.' 'I would prefer a Presbyterian,' says Angus. 'Are those +fried oysters I see up there?' + +"That was about the way of it, I gathered later. Anyway, Angus brought +her back, eating on the way a whole wicker suitcase full of lunch that +she put up. And she seemed a good, capable girl, all right. She told me +there was something about Angus. She'd seen that from the first. Even +so, she said, she hadn't let him sweep her off her feet like he had +meant to, but had forced him to give her time to do her packing and +consider the grave step she was taking for better or worse, like every +true, serious-minded woman ought to. + +"Angus now said he couldn't afford to fritter away any more time in the +cattle business, having a wife to support in the style she had been +accustomed to, so he would go to work at his trade. He picked out +Wallace, just over in Idaho, as a young and growing town where he could +do well. He rented a nice four-room cottage there, with an icebox out on +the back porch and a hammock in the front yard, and begun to paper and +paint and grain and kalsomine and made good money from the start. +Ellabelle was a crackajack housekeeper and had plenty of time to lie out +in the hammock and read 'Lucile' of afternoons. + +"By and by Angus had some money saved up, and what should he do with +bits of it now and then but grubstake old Snowstorm Hickey, who'd been +scratching mountainsides all his life and never found a thing and likely +never would--a grouchy old hardshell with white hair and whiskers +whirling about his head in such quantities that a body just naturally +called him Snowstorm without thinking. It made him highly indignant, +but he never would get the things cut. Well, and what does this old +snow-scene-in-the-Alps do after about a year but mush along up the cañon +past Mullan and find a high-grade proposition so rich it was scandalous! +They didn't know how rich at first, of course, but Angus got assays and +they looked so good they must be a mistake, so they sunk a shaft and +drifted in a tunnel, and the assays got better, and people with money +was pretty soon taking notice. + +"One day Snowstorm come grouching down to Angus and tells about a +capitalist that had brought two experts with him and nosed over the +workings for three days. Snowstorm was awful dejected. He had hated the +capitalist right off. 'He wears a gold watch chain and silk underclothes +like one of these fly city dames,' says Snowstorm, who was a knowing old +scoundrel, 'and he says his syndicate on the reports of these two +thieving experts will pay twelve hundred for it and not a cent more. +What do you think of that for nerve?' + +"'Is that all?' says Angus, working away at his job in the new +International Hotel at Wallace. Graining a door in the dining-room he +was, with a ham rind and a stocking over one thumb nail, doing little +curlicues in the brown wet paint to make it look like what the wood was +at first before it was painted at all. 'Well,' he says, 'I suspected +from the assays that we might get a bit more, but if he had experts +with him you better let him have it for twelve hundred. After all, +twelve hundred dollars is a good bit of money.' + +"'Twelve hundred thousand,' says Snowstorm, still grouchy. + +"'Oh,' says Angus. 'In that case don't let him have it. If the shark +offers that it'll be worth more. I'll go into the mining business myself +as soon as I've done this door and the wainscoting and give them their +varnish.' + +"He did so. He had the International finished in three more days, turned +down a job in the new bank building cold, and went into the mining +business just like he'd do anything else--slow and sure, yet impetuous +here and there. It wasn't a hard proposition, the stuff being there +nearly from the grass roots, and the money soon come a-plenty. Snowstorm +not only got things trimmed up but had 'em dyed black as a crow's wing +and retired to a life of sinful ease in Spokane, eating bacon and beans +and cocoanut custard pie three times a day till the doctors found out +what a lot of expensive things he had the matter with him. + +"Angus not only kept on the job but branched out into other mines that +he bought up, and pretty soon he quit counting his money. You know what +that would mean to most of his race. It fazed him a mite at first. He +tried faithfully to act like a crazy fool with his money, experimenting +with revelry and champagne for breakfast, and buying up the Sans Soosy +dance hall every Saturday night for his friends and admirers. But he +wasn't gaited to go on that track long. Even Ellabelle wasn't worried +the least bit, and in fact she thought something of the kind was due his +position. And she was busy herself buying the things that are champagne +to a woman, only they're kept on the outside. That was when Angus told +her if she was going in for diamonds at all to get enough so she could +appear to be wasteful and contemptuous of them. Two thousand she give +for one little diamond circlet to pin her napkin up on her chest with. +It was her own idea. + +"Then Angus for a time complicated his amateur debauchery with fast +horses. He got him a pair of matched pacing stallions that would go +anywhere, he said. And he frequently put them there when he had the main +chandelier lighted. In driving them over a watering-trough one night an +accident of some sort happened. Angus didn't come to till after his leg +was set and the stitches in--eight in one place, six in another, and so +on; I wonder why they're always so careful to count the stitches in a +person that way--and he wished to know if his new side-bar buggy was +safe and they told him it wasn't, and he wanted to know where his team +was, but nobody knew that for three days, so he says to the doctors and +Ellabelle: 'Hereafter I suspect I shall take only soft drinks like beer +and sherry. Champagne has a bonnier look but it's too enterprising. I +might get into trouble some time.' And he's done so to this day. Oh, +I've seen him take a sip or two of champagne to some one's health, or +as much Scotch whiskey in a tumbler of water as you could dribble from a +medium-boilered fountain pen. But that's a high riot with him. He'll eat +one of these corned peaches in brandy, and mebbe take a cream pitcher of +beer on his oatmeal of a morning when his stomach don't feel just right, +but he's never been a willing performer since that experiment in +hurdling. + +"When he could walk again him and Ellabelle moved to the International +Hotel, where she wouldn't have to cook or split kindling and could make +a brutal display of diamonds at every meal, and we went down to see +them. That was when Angus give Lysander John the scarfpin he'd sent +clear to New York for--a big gold bull's head with ruby eyes and in its +mouth a nugget of platinum set with three diamonds. Of course Lysander +John never dast wear it except when Angus was going to see it. + +"Then along comes Angus, Junior, though poor Ellabelle thinks for +several days that he's Elwin. We'd gone down so I could be with her. + +"'Elwin is the name I have chosen for my son,' says she to Angus the +third day. + +"'Not so,' says Angus, slumping down his one eyebrow clear across in a +firm manner. 'You're too late. My son is already named. I named him +Angus the night before he was born.' + +"'How could you do that when you didn't know the sex?' demands Ellabelle +with a frightened air of triumph. + +"'I did it, didn't I?' says Angus. 'Then why ask how I could?' And he +curved the eyebrow up one side and down the other in a fighting way. + +"Ellabelle had been wedded wife of Angus long enough to know when the +Scotch curse was on him. 'Very well,' she says, though turning her face +to the wall. Angus straightened the eyebrow. 'Like we might have two +now, one of each kind,' says he quite soft, 'you'd name your daughter as +you liked, with perhaps no more than a bit of a suggestion from me, to +be taken or not by you, unless we'd contend amiably about it for a +length of time till we had it settled right as it should be. But a +son--my son--why, look at the chest on him already, projecting outward +like a clock shelf--and you would name him--but no matter! I was +forehanded, thank God.' Oh, you saw plainly that in case a girl ever +come along Ellabelle would have the privilege of naming it anything in +the world she wanted to that Angus thought suitable. + +"So that was settled reasonably, and Angus went on showing what to do +with your mine instead of selling it to a shark, and the baby fatted up, +being stall-fed, and Ellabelle got out into the world again, with more +money than ever to spend, but fewer things to buy, because in Wallace +she couldn't think of any more. Trust her, though! First the +International Hotel wasn't good enough. Angus said they'd have a +mansion, the biggest in Wallace, only without slippery hardwood floors, +because he felt brittle after his accident. Ellabelle says Wallace +itself ain't big enough for the mansion that ought to be a home to his +only son. She was learning how to get to Angus without seeming to. He +thought there might be something in that, still he didn't like to trust +the child away from him, and he had to stick there for a while. + +"So Ellabelle's health broke down. Yes, sir, she got to be a total +wreck. Of course the fool doctor in Wallace couldn't find it out. She +tried him and he told her she was strong as a horse and ought to be +doing a tub of washing that very minute. Which was no way to talk to the +wife of a rich mining man, so he lost quite a piece of money by it. +Ellabelle then went to Spokane and consulted a specialist. That's the +difference. You only see a doctor, but a specialist you consult. This +one confirmed her fears about herself in a very gentlemanly way and +reaped his reward on the spot. Ellabelle's came after she had convinced +Angus that even if she did have such a good appetite it wasn't a normal +one, but it was, in fact, one of her worst symptoms and threatened her +with a complete nervous breakdown. After about a year of this, when +Angus had horned his way into a few more mines--he said he might as well +have a bunch of them since he couldn't be there on the spot anyway--they +went to New York City. Angus had never been there except to pass from a +Clyde liner to Jersey City, and they do say that when he heard the +rates, exclusive of board, at the one Ellabelle had picked out from +reading the papers, he timidly asked her if they hadn't ought to go to +the other hotel. She told him there wasn't any other--not for them. She +told him further it was part of her mission to broaden his horizon, and +she firmly meant to do it if God would only vouchsafe her a remnant of +her once magnificent vitality. + +"She didn't have to work so hard either. Angus begun to get a broader +horizon in just a few days, corrupting every waiter he came in contact +with, and there was a report round the hotel the summer I was there that +a hat-boy had actually tried to reason with him, thinking he was a +foreigner making mistakes with his money by giving up a dollar bill +every time for having his hat snatched from him. As a matter of fact, +Angus can't believe to this day that dollar bills are money. He feels +apologetic when he gives 'em away. All the same I never believed that +report about the hat-boy till someone explained to me that he wasn't +allowed to keep his loot, not only having clothes made special without +pockets but being searched to the hide every night like them poor +unfortunate Zulus that toil in the diamond mines of Africa. Of course I +could see then that this boy had become merely enraged like a wild-cat +at having a dollar crowded onto him for some one else every time a head +waiter grovelled Angus out of the restaurant. + +"The novelty of that life wore off after about a year, even with side +trips to resorts where the prices were sufficiently outrageous to charm +Ellabelle. She'd begun right off to broaden her own horizon. After only +one week in New York she put her diamond napkin pincher to doing other +work, and after six months she dressed about as well as them prominent +society ladies that drift round the corridors of this hotel waiting for +parties that never seem on time, and looking none too austere while they +wait. + +"So Ellabelle, having in the meantime taken up art and literature and +gone to lectures where the professor would show sights and scenes in +foreign lands with his magic lantern, begun to feel the call of the Old +World. She'd got far beyond 'Lucile'--though 'Peck's Bad Boy' was still +the favourite of Angus when he got time for any serious reading--- and +was coming to loathe the crudities of our so-called American +civilization. So she said. She begun to let out to Angus that they +wasn't doing right by the little one, bringing him up in a hole like New +York City where he'd catch the American accent--though God knows where +she ever noticed that danger there!--and it was only fair to the child +to get him to England or Paris or some such place where he could have +decent advantages. I gather that Angus let out a holler at first so that +Ellabelle had to consult another specialist and have little Angus +consult one, too. They both said: 'Certainly, don't delay another day if +you value the child's life or your own,' and of course Angus had to give +in. I reckon that was the last real fight he ever put up till the time +I'm going to tell you about. + +"They went to England and bought a castle that had never known the +profane touch of a plumber, having been built in the time of the first +earl or something, and after that they had to get another castle in +France, account of little Angus having a weak throat that Ellabelle got +another gentlemanly specialist to find out about him; and so it went, +with Ellabelle hovering on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, and +taking up art and literature at different spots where fashion gathered, +going to Italy and India's coral strand to study the dead past, and so +forth, and learning to address her inferiors in a refined and hostile +manner, with little Angus having a maid and a governess and something +new the matter with him every time Ellabelle felt the need of a change. + +"At first Angus used to make two trips back every year, then he cut them +down to one, and at last he'd only come every two or three years, having +his hirelings come to him instead. He'd branched out a lot, even at that +distance, getting into copper and such, and being president of banks and +trusts here and there and equitable cooperative companies and all such +things that help to keep the lower classes trimmed proper. For a whole +lot of years I didn't see either of 'em. I sort of lost track of the +outfit, except as I'd see the name of Angus heading a new board of +directors after the reorganization, or renting the north half of +Scotland for the sage-hen and coyote shooting, or whatever the game is +there. Of course it took genius to do this with Angus, and I've never +denied that Ellabelle has it. I bet there wasn't a day in all them years +that Angus didn't believe himself to be a stubborn, domineering brute, +riding roughshod over the poor little wreck of a woman. If he didn't it +wasn't for want of his wife accusing him of it in so many words--and +perhaps a few more. + +"I guess she got to feeling so sure of herself she let her work coarsen +up. Anyway, when little Angus come to be eighteen his pa shocked her one +day by saying he must go back home to some good college. 'You mean +England,' says Ellabelle, they being at the time on some other foreign +domains. + +"'I do not,' says Angus, 'nor Sweden nor Japan nor East Africa. I mean +the United States.' 'You're jesting,' says she. 'You wrong me cruelly,' +says Angus. 'The lad's eighteen and threatening to be a foreigner. +Should he stay here longer it would set in his blood.' 'Remember his +weak throat,' says Ellabelle. 'I did,' says Angus. 'To save you trouble +I sent for a specialist to look him over. He says the lad has never a +flaw in his throat. We'll go soon.' + +"Of course it was dirty work on the part of Angus, getting to the +specialist first, but she saw she had to take it. She knew it was like +the time they agreed on his name--she could see the Scotch blood leaping +in his veins. So she gave in with never a mutter that Angus could hear. +That's part of the genius of Ellabelle, knowing when she can and when +she positively cannot, and making no foolish struggle in the latter +event. + +"Back they come to New York and young Angus went to the swellest college +Ellabelle could learn about, and they had a town house and a country +house and Ellabelle prepared to dazzle New York society, having met +frayed ends of it in her years abroad. But she couldn't seem to put it +over. Lots of male and female society foreigners that she'd met would +come and put up with her and linger on in the most friendly manner, but +Ellabelle never fools herself so very much. She knew she wasn't making +the least dent in New York itself. She got uncomfortable there. I bet +she had that feeling you get when you're riding your horse over soft +ground and all at once he begins to bog down. + +"Anyway, they come West after a year or so, where Angus had more drag +and Ellabelle could feel more important. Not back to Wallace, of course. +Ellabelle had forgotten the name of that town, and also they come over a +road that misses the thriving little town of North Platte by several +hundred miles. And pretty soon they got into this darned swell little +suburb out from San Francisco, through knowing one of the old families +that had lived there man and boy for upward of four years. It's a town +where I believe they won't let you get off the train unless you got a +visitor's card and a valet. + +"Here at last Ellabelle felt she might come into her own, for parties +seemed to recognize her true worth at once. Some of them indeed she +could buffalo right on the spot, for she hadn't lived in Europe and such +places all them years for nothing. So, camping in a miserable rented +shack that never cost a penny over seventy thousand dollars, with only +thirty-eight rooms and no proper space for the servants, they set to +work building their present marble palace--there's inside and outside +pictures of it in a magazine somewhere round here--bigger than the state +insane asylum and very tasty and expensive, with hand-painted ceilings +and pergolas and cafés and hot and cold water and everything. + +"It was then I first see Ellabelle after all the years, and I want to +tell you she was impressive. She looked like the descendant of a long +line of ancestry or something and she spoke as good as any reciter you +ever heard in a hall. Last time I had seen her she was still forgetting +about the r's--she'd say: 'Oh, there-urr you ah!' thus showing she was +at least half Iowa in breed--but nothing like that now. She could give +the English cards and spades and beat them at their own game. Her face +looked a little bit overmassaged and she was having trouble keeping her +hips down, and wore a patent chin-squeezer nights, and her hair couldn't +be trusted to itself long at a time; but she knew how to dress and she'd +learned decency in the use of the diamond except when it was really +proper to break out all over with 'em. You'd look at her twice in any +show ring. Ain't women the wonders! Gazing at Ellabelle when she had +everything on, you'd never dream that she'd come up from the vilest +dregs only a few years before--helping cook for the harvest hands in +Iowa, feeding Union Pacific passengers at twenty-two a month, or +splitting her own kindling at Wallace, Idaho, and dreaming about a new +silk dress for next year, or mebbe the year after if things went well. + +"Men ain't that way. Angus had took no care of his figure, which was now +pouchy, his hair was gray, and he was either shedding or had been +reached, and he had lines of care and food in his face, and took no +pains whatever with his accent--or with what he said, for that matter. I +never saw a man yet that could hide a disgraceful past like a woman can. +They don't seem to have any pride. Most of 'em act like they don't care +a hoot whether people find it out on 'em or not. + +"Angus was always reckless that way, adding to his wife's burden of +anxiety. She'd got her own vile past well buried, but she never knew +when his was going to stick its ugly head up out of its grave. He'd go +along all right for a while like one of the best set had ought to--then +Zooey! We was out to dinner at another millionaire's one night--in that +town you're either a millionaire or drawing wages from one--and Angus +talked along with his host for half an hour about the impossibility of +getting a decent valet on this side of the water, Americans not knowing +their place like the English do, till you'd have thought he was born to +it, and then all at once he breaks out about the hardwood finish to the +dining-room, and how the art of graining has perished and ought to be +revived. 'And I wish I had a silver dollar,' he says, 'for every door +like that one there that I've grained to resemble the natural wood so +cunningly you'd never guess it--hardly.' + +"At that his break didn't faze any one but Ellabelle. The host was an +old train-robber who'd cut your throat for two bits--I'll bet he +couldn't play an honest game of solitaire--and he let out himself right +off that he had once worked in a livery stable and was proud of it; but +poor Ellabelle, who'd been talking about the dear Countess of Comtessa +or somebody, and the dukes and earls that was just one-two-three with +her on the other side, she blushed up till it almost showed through the +second coating. Angus was certainly poison ivy to her on occasion, and +he'd refuse to listen to reason when she called him down about it. He'd +do most of the things she asked him to about food and clothes and so +forth--like the time he had the two gold teeth took out and replaced by +real porcelain nature fakers--but he never could understand why he +wasn't free to chat about the days when he earned what money he had. + +"It was this time that I first saw little Angus since he had changed +from a governess to a governor--or whatever they call the he-teacher of +a millionaire's brat. He was home for the summer vacation. Naturally I'd +been prejudiced against him not only by his mother's praise but by his +father's steady coppering of the same. Judiciously comparing the two, I +was led to expect a kind of cross between Little Lord Fauntleroy and the +late Sitting Bull, with the vices of each and the virtues of neither. +Instead of which I found him a winsome whelp of six-foot or so with +Scotch eyes and his mother's nose and chin and a good, big, straight +mouth, and full of the most engaging bedevilments for one and all. He +didn't seem to be any brighter in his studies than a brute of that age +should be, and though there was something easy and grand in his manner +that his pa and ma never had, he wasn't really any more foreign than +what I be. Of course he spoke Eastern American instead of Western, but +you forgive him that after a few minutes when you see how nice he +naturally meant to be. I admit we took to each other from the start. +They often say I'm a good mixer, but it took no talent to get next to +that boy. I woke up the first night thinking I knew what old silly would +do her darndest to adopt him if ever his poor pa and ma was to get +buttered over the right of way in some railroad accident. + +"And yet I didn't see Angus, Junior, one bit the way either of his +parents saw him. Ellabelle seemed to look on him merely as a smart +dresser and social know-it-all that would be a 98 cent credit to her in +the position of society queen for which the good God had always intended +her. And his father said he wasn't any good except to idle away his time +and spend money, and would come to a bad end by manslaughter in a +high-powered car; or in the alcoholic ward of some hospital; that he +was, in fact, a mere helling scapegrace that would have been put in some +good detention home years before if he hadn't been born to a father that +was all kinds of a so-and-so old Scotch fool. There you get Angus, +_fills_, from three different slants, and I ain't saying there wasn't +justification for the other two besides mine. The boy could act in a +crowd of tea-drinking women with a finish that made his father look like +some one edging in to ask where they wanted the load of coal dumped. But +also Angus, _peer_, was merely painting the lily, as they say, when he'd +tell all the different kinds of Indian the boy was. That very summer +before he went back to the educational centre where they teach such +arts, he helped wreck a road house a few miles up the line till it +looked like one of them pictures of what a Zeppelin does to a rare old +English drug store in London. And a week later he lost a race with the +Los Angeles flyer, account of not having as good a roadbed to run on as +the train had, and having to take too short a turn with his new car. + +"I remember we three was wondering where he could be that night the +telephone rung from the place where kindly strangers had hauled him for +first aid to the foolish. But it was the boy himself that was able to +talk and tell his anxious parents to forget all about it. His father +took the message and as soon as he got the sense of it he begun to get +hopeful that the kid had broke at least one leg--thinking, he must have +been, of the matched pacing stallions that once did himself such a good +turn without meaning to. His disappointment was pitiful as he turned to +us after learning that he had lit on his head but only sustained a few +bruises and sprains and concussions, with the wall-paper scraped off +here and there. + +"'Struck on his head, the only part of him that seems invulnerable,' +says the fond father. 'What's that?' he yells, for the boy was talking +again. He listened a minute, and it was right entertaining to watch his +face work as the words come along. It registered all the evil that +Scotland has suffered from her oppressors since they first thought up +the name for it. Finally he begun to splutter back--it must have sounded +fine at the other end--but he had to hang up, he was that emotional. +After he got his face human again he says to us: + +"'Would either of you think now that you could guess at what might have +been his dying speech? Would you guess it might be words of cheer to the +bereaved mother that nursed him, or even a word of comfort to the idiot +father that never touched whipleather to his back while he was still +husky enough to get by with it? Well, you'd guess wild. He's but +inflamed with indignation over the state of the road where he passed out +for some minutes. He says it's a disgrace to any civilized community, +and he means to make trouble about it with the county supervisor, who +must be a murderer at heart, and then he'll take it up to the supreme +court and see if we can't have roads in this country as good as +Napoleon the First made them build in France, so a gentleman can speed +up a bit over five miles an hour without breaking every bone in his +body, to say nothing of totally ruining a car costing forty-eight +hundred dollars of his good money, with the ink on the check for it +scarce dry. He was going on to say that he had the race for the crossing +as good as won and had just waved mockingly at the engineer of the +defeated train who was pretending to feel indifferent about it--but I +hung up on him. My strength was waning. Was he here this minute I make +no doubt I'd go to the mat with him, unequal as we are in prowess.' He +dribbled off into vicious mutterings of what he'd say to the boy if he +was to come to the door. + +"Then dear Ellabelle pipes up: 'And doesn't the dear boy say who was +with him in this prank?' + +"Angus snorted horribly at the word 'prank,' just like he'd never had +one single advantage of foreign travel. 'He does indeed--one of those +Hammersmith twin louts was with him--the speckled devil with the lisp, I +gather--and praise God his bones, at least, are broke in two places!' + +"Ellabelle's eyes shined up at this with real delight. 'How terrible!' +she says, not looking it. 'That's Gerald Hammersmith, son of Mrs. St. +John Hammersmith, leader of the most exclusive set here--oh, she's quite +in the lead of everything that has class! And after this we must know +each other far, far better than we have in the past. She has never +called up to this time. I must inquire after her poor boy directly +to-morrow comes.' That is Ellabelle. Trust her not to overlook a single +bet. + +"Angus again snorted in a common way. 'St. John Hammersmith!' says he, +steaming up, 'When he trammed ore for three-fifty a day and went to bed +with his clothes on any night he'd the price of a quart of gin-and-beer +mixed--liking to get his quick--his name was naked 'John' with never a +Saint to it, which his widow tacked on a dozen years later. And speaking +of names, Mrs. McDonald, I sorely regret you didn't name your own son +after your first willful fancy. It was no good day for his father when +you put my own name to him.' + +"But Ellabelle paid no attention whatever to this rough stuff, being +already engaged in courting the Hammersmith dame for the good of her +social importance. I make no doubt before the maid finished rubbing in +the complexion cream that night she had reduced this upstart to the +ranks and stepped into her place as leader of the most exclusive social +set between South San Francisco and old Henry Miller's ranch house at +Gilroy. Anyway, she kept talking to herself about it, almost over the +mangled remains of her own son, as you might say. + +"A year later the new mansion was done, setting in the centre of sixty +acres of well-manicured land as flat as a floor and naturally called +Hillcrest. Angus asked me down for another visit. There had been grand +doings to open the new house, and Ellabelle felt she was on the way to +ruling things social with an iron hand if she was just careful and +didn't overbet her cards. Angus, not being ashamed of his scandalous +past, was really all that kept her nerves strung up. It seems he'd give +her trouble while the painters and decorators was at work, hanging round +'em fascinated and telling 'em how he'd had to work ten hours a day in +his time and how he could grain a door till it looked exactly like the +natural wood, so they'd say it wasn't painted at all. And one day he +become so inflamed with evil desire that Ellabelle, escorting a bunch of +the real triple-platers through the mansion, found him with his coat off +learning how to rub down a hardwood panel with oil and pumice stone. +Gee! Wouldn't I like to of been there! I suppose I got a lower nature as +well as the rest of us. + +"After I'd been there a few days, along comes Angus, _fills_, out into +the world from college to make a name for himself. By ingenuity or +native brute force he had contrived to graduate. He was nice as ever and +told me he was going to look about a bit until he could decide what his +field of endeavour should be. Apparently it was breaking his neck in +outdoor sports, including loop-the-loop in his new car on roads not +meant for it, and delighting Ellabelle because he was a fine social drag +in her favour, and enraging his father by the same reasons. Ellabelle +was especially thrilled by his making up to a girl that was daughter to +this here old train-robber I mentioned. It was looking like he might +form an alliance, as they say, with this old family which had lived +quite a decent life since they actually got it. The girl looked to me +nice enough even for Angus, Junior, but his pa denounced her as a +yellow-haired pest with none but frivolous aims in life, who wouldn't +know whether a kitchen was a room in a house or a little woolly animal +from Paraguay. We had some nice, friendly breakfasts, I believe not, +whilst they discussed this poisonous topic, old Angus being only further +embittered when it comes out that the train-robber is also dead set +against this here alliance because his only daughter needs a decent, +reputable man who would come home nights from some low mahogany den in a +bank building, and not a worthless young hound that couldn't make a +dollar of his own and had displayed no talent except for winning the +notice of head waiters and policemen. Old Angus says he knows well +enough his son can be arrested out of most crowds just on that +description alone, but who is this So-and-So old thug to be saying it in +public? + +"And so it went, with Ellabelle living in high hopes and young Angus +busy inventing new ways to bump himself off, and old Angus getting more +and more seething--quiet enough outside, but so desperate inside that it +wasn't any time at all till I saw he was just waiting for a good chance +to make some horrible Scotch exhibition of himself. + +"Then comes the fatal polo doings, with young Angus playing on the side +that won, and Ellabelle being set up higher than ever till she actually +begins to snub people here and there at the game that look like they'd +swallow it, and old Angus ashamed and proud and glaring round as if he'd +like to hear some one besides himself call his son a worthless young +hound--if they wanted to start something. + +"And the polo victory of course had to be celebrated by a banquet at the +hotel, attended by all the players and their huskiest ruffian friends. +They didn't have the ponies there, but I guess they would of if they'd +thought of it. It must have been a good banquet, with vintages and song +and that sort of thing--I believe they even tried to have food at +first--and hearty indoor sports with the china and silver and chairs +that had been thoughtlessly provided and a couple of big mirrors that +looked as if you could throw a catsup bottle clear through them, only +you couldn't, because it would stop there after merely breaking the +glass, and spatter in a helpless way. + +"And of course there was speeches. The best one, as far as I could +learn, was made by the owner of the outraged premises at a late +hour--when the party was breaking up--as you might put it. He said the +bill would be about eighteen hundred dollars, as near as he could tell +at first glance. He was greeted with hearty laughter and applause from +the high-spirited young incendiaries and retired hastily through an +unsuspected door to the pantry as they rushed for him. It was then they +found out what to do with the rest of the catsup--and did it--so the +walls and ceiling wouldn't look so monotonous, and fixed the windows so +they would let out the foul tobacco smoke, and completed a large +painting of the Yosemite that hung on the wall, doing several things to +it that hadn't occurred to the artist in his hurry, and performed a +serious operation on the piano without the use of gas. The tables, I +believe, was left flat on their backs. + +"Angus, _fills_, was fetched home in a car by a gang of his roguish +young playmates. They stopped down on the stately drive under my window +and a quartet sung a pathetic song that run: + + "Don't forget your parents, + Think all they done for you! + +"Then young Angus ascended the marble steps to the top one, bared his +agreeable head to the moonlight, and made them a nice speech. He said +the campaign now in progress, fellow-citizens, marked the gravest crisis +in the affairs of our grand old state that an intelligent constituency +had ever been called upon to vote down, but that he felt they were on +the eve of a sweeping victory that would sweep the corrupt hell-hounds +of a venal opposition into an ignominy from which they would never be +swept by any base act of his while they honoured him with their +suffrages, because his life was an open book and he challenged any +son-of-a-gun within sound of his voice to challenge this to his face or +take the consequences of being swept into oblivion by the high tide of +a people's indignation that would sweep everything before it on the +third day of November next, having been aroused in its might at last +from the debasing sloth into which the corrupt hell-hounds of a venal +opposition had swept them, but a brighter day had dawned, which would +sweep the onrushing hordes of petty chicanery to where they would get +theirs; and, as one who had heard the call of an oppressed people, he +would accept this fitting testimonial, not for its intrinsic worth but +for the spirit in which it was tendered. As for the nefarious tariff on +watch springs, sawed lumber, and indigo, he would defer his masterly +discussion of these burning issues to a more fitting time because a man +had to get a little sleep now and then or he wasn't any good next day. +In the meantime he thanked them one and all, and so, gentlemen, +good-night. + +"The audience cheered hoarsely and drove off. I guess the speech would +have been longer if a light hadn't showed in the east wing of the castle +where Angus, _peer_, slept. And then all was peace and quiet till the +storm broke on a rocky coast next day. It didn't really break until +evening, but suspicious clouds no bigger than a man's hand might have +been observed earlier. If young Angus took any breakfast that morning it +was done in the privacy of his apartment under the pitying glances of a +valet or something. But here he was at lunch, blithe as ever, and full +of merry details about the late disaster. He spoke with much humour +about a wider use for tomato catsup than was ever encouraged by the old +school of house decorators. Old Angus listened respectfully, taking only +a few bites of food but chewing them long and thoughtfully. Ellabelle +was chiefly interested in the names of the hearty young vandals. She was +delighted to learn that they was all of the right set, and her eyes +glowed with pride. The eyes of Angus, _peer_, was now glowing with what +I could see was something else, though I couldn't make out just what it +was. He never once exploded like you'd of thought he was due to. + +"Then come a note for the boy which the perfect-mannered Englishman that +was tending us said was brought by a messenger. Young Angus glanced at +the page and broke out indignantly. 'The thieving old pirate!' he says. +'Last night he thought it would be about eighteen hundred dollars, and +that sounded hysterical enough for the few little things we'd scratched +or mussed up. I told him he would doubtless feel better this morning, +but in any event to send the bill to me and I would pay it.' + +"'Quite right of you,' says Ellabelle proudly. + +"'And now the scoundrel sends me one for twenty-three hundred and odd. +He's a robber, net!' + +"Old Angus said never a word, but chewed slowly, whilst various puzzling +expressions chased themselves acrost his eloquent face. I couldn't make +a thing out of any of them. + +"'Never patronize the fellow again,' says Ellabelle warmly. + +"'As to that,' says her son, 'he hinted something last night about +having me arrested if I ever tried to patronize him again, but that +isn't the point. He's robbing me now.' + +"'Oh, money!' says Ellabelle in a low tone of disgust and with a gesture +like she was rebuking her son for mentioning such a thing before the +servant. + +"'But I don't like to be taken advantage of,' says he, looking very +annoyed and grand. Then old Angus swallowed something he'd been chewing +for eight minutes and spoke up with an entirely new expression that +puzzled me more than ever. + +"'If you're sure you have the right of it, don't you submit to the +outrage.' + +"Angus, Junior, backed up a little bit at this, not knowing quite how to +take the old man's mildness. 'Oh, of course the fellow might win out if +he took it into court,' he says. 'Every one knows the courts are just a +mass of corruption.' + +"'True, I've heard gossip to that effect,' says his father. 'Yet there +must be some way to thwart the crook. I'm feeling strangely ingenious at +the moment.' He was very mild, and yet there was something sinister and +Scotch about him that the boy felt. + +"'Of course I'd pay it out of my own money,' he remarks generously. + +"'Even so, I hate to see you cheated,' says his father kindly. 'I hate +to have you pay unjust extortions out of the mere pittance your +tight-fisted old father allows you.' + +"Young Angus said nothing to this, but blushed and coughed +uncomfortably. + +"'If you hurt that hotel anything like twenty-three hundred dollars' +worth, it must be an interesting sight,' his father goes on brightly. + +"'Oh, it was funny at the time,' says Angus boy, cheering up again. + +"'Things often are,' says old Angus. 'I'll have a look.' + +"'At the bill?' + +"'No, at the wreck,' says he. The old boy was still quiet on the +outside, but was plainly under great excitement, for he now folded his +napkin with care, a crime of which I knew Ellabelle had broken him the +first week in New York, years before. I noticed their butler had the +fine feeling to look steadily away at the wall during this obscenity. +The offender then made a pleasant remark about the beauty of the day and +left the palatial apartment swiftly. Young Angus and his mother looked +at each other and strolled after him softly over rugs costing about +eighty thousand dollars. The husband and father was being driven off by +a man he could trust in a car they had let him have for his own use. +Later Ellabelle confides to me that she mistrusts old Angus is +contemplating some bit of his national deviltry. 'He had a strange look +on his face,' says she, 'and you know--once a Scotchman, always a +Scotchman! Oh, it would be pitiful if he did anything peculiarly Scotch +just at our most critical period here!' Then she felt of her face to +see if there was any nervous lines come into it, and there was, and she +beat it for the maid to have 'em rubbed out ere they set. + +"Yet at dinner that night everything seemed fine, with old Angus as +jovial as I'd ever seen him, and the meal come to a cheerful end and we +was having coffee in the Looey de Medisee saloon, I think it is, before +a word was said about this here injured hotel. + +"'You were far too modest this morning, you sly dog!' says Angus, +_peer_, at last, chuckling delightedly. 'You misled me grievously. That +job of wrecking shows genius of a quality that was all too rare in my +time. I suspect it's the college that does it. I shouldn't wonder now if +going through college is as good as a liberal education. I don't believe +mere uneducated house-wreckers could have done so pretty a job in twice +the time, and there's clever little touches they never would have +thought of at all.' + +"'It did look thorough when we left,' says young Angus, not quite +knowing whether to laugh. + +"'It's nothing short of sublime,' says his father proudly. 'I stood in +that deserted banquet hall, though it looks never a bit like one, with +ruin and desolation on every hand as far as the eye could reach. It +inspired such awe in the bereaved owner and me that we instinctively +spoke in hushed whispers. I've had no such gripping sensation as that +since I gazed upon the dead city of Pompeii. No longer can it be said +that Europe possesses all the impressive ruins.' + +"Angus boy grinned cheerfully now, feeling that this tribute was +heartfelt. + +"'I suspect now,' goes on the old boy, 'that when the wreckage is +cleared away we shall find the mangled bodies of several that perished +when the bolts descended from a clear sky upon the gay scene.' + +"'Perhaps under the tables,' says young Angus, chirking up still more at +this geniality. 'Two or three went down early and may still be there.' + +"'Yet twenty-three hundred for it is a monstrous outrage,' says the old +man, changing his voice just a mite. 'Too well I know the cost of such +repairs. Fifteen hundred at most would make the place better than +ever--and to think that you, struggling along to keep up appearances on +the little I give you, should be imposed upon by a crook that +undoubtedly has the law on his side! I could endure no thought of it, so +I foiled him.' + +"'How?' says young Angus, kind of alarmed. + +"Angus, _peer_, yawned and got up. 'It's a long story and would hardly +interest you,' says he, moving over to the door. 'Besides, I must be to +bed against the morrow, which will be a long, hard day for me.' His +voice had tightened up. + +"'What have you done?' demands Ellabelle passionately. + +"'Saved your son eight hundred dollars,' says Angus, 'or the equivalent +of his own earnings for something like eight hundred years at current +prices for labour.' + +"'I've a right to know,' says Ellabelle through her teeth and stiffening +in her chair. Young Angus just set there with his mouth open. + +"'So you have,' says old Angus, and he goes on as crisp as a bunch of +celery: 'I told you I felt ingenious. I've kept this money in the family +by the simple device of taking the job. I've engaged two other painters +and decorators besides myself, a carpenter, an electrician, a glazier, +and a few proletariats of minor talent for clearing away the wreckage. I +shall be on the job at eight. The loafers won't start at seven, as I +used to. Don't think I'd see any son of mine robbed before my very eyes. +My new overalls are laid out and my valet has instructions to get me +into them at seven, though he persists in believing I'm to attend a +fancy-dress ball at some strangely fashionable hour. So I bid you all +good evening.' + +"Well, I guess that was the first time Ellabelle had really let go of +herself since she was four years old or thereabouts. Talk about the +empress of stormy emotion! For ten minutes the room sounded like a +torture chamber of the dark Middle Ages. But the doctor reached there at +last in a swift car, and him and the two maids managed to get her laid +out all comfortable and moaning, though still with outbreaks about every +twenty minutes that I could hear clear over on my side of the house. + +"And down below my window on the marble porch Angus, _fills_, was +walking swiftly up and down for about one hour. He made no speech like +the night before. He just walked and walked. The part that struck me was +that neither of them had ever seemed to have the slightest notion of +pleading old Angus out of his mad folly. They both seemed to know the +Scotch when it did break out. + +"At seven-thirty the next morning the old boy in overalls and jumper and +a cap was driven to his job in a car as big as an apartment house. The +curtains to Ellabelle's Looey Seez boudoir remained drawn, with hourly +bulletins from the two Swiss maids that she was passing away in great +agony. Angus, Junior, was off early, too, in his snakiest car. A few +minutes later they got a telephone from him sixty miles away that he +would not be home to lunch. Old Angus had taken his own lunch with him +in a tin pail he'd bought the day before, with a little cupola on top +for the cup to put the bottle of cold coffee in. + +"It was a joyous home that day, if you don't care how you talk. All it +needed was a crêpe necktie on the knob of the front door. That ornery +old hound, Angus, got in from his work at six, spotty with paint and +smelling of oil and turpentine, but cheerful as a new father. He washed +up, ridding himself of at least a third of the paint smell, looked in at +Ellabelle's door to say, 'What! Not feeling well, mamma? Now, that's too +bad!' ate a hearty dinner with me, young Angus not having been heard +from further, and fell asleep in a gold armchair at ten minutes past +nine. + +"He was off again next morning. Ellabelle's health was still breaking +down, but young Angus sneaked in and partook of a meagre lunch with me. +He was highly vexed with his pa. 'He's nothing but a scoundrelly old +liar,' he says to me, 'saying that he gives me but a pittance. He's +always given me a whale of an allowance. Why, actually, I've more than +once had money left over at the end of the quarter. And now his talk +about saving money! I tell you he has some other reason than money for +breaking the mater's heart.' The boy looked very shrewd as he said this. + +"That night at quitting time he was strangely down at the place with his +own car to fetch his father home. 'I'll trust you this once,' says the +old man, getting in and looking more then ever like a dissolute working +man. On the way they passed this here yellow-haired daughter of the old +train-robber that there had been talk of the boy making a match with. +She was driving her own car and looked neither to right nor left. + +"'Not speaking?' says old Angus. + +"'She didn't see us,' says the boy. + +"'She's ashamed of your father,' says the old man. + +"'She's not,' says the boy. + +"'You know it,' says the old scoundrel. + +"'I'll show her,' says his son. + +"Well, we had another cheerful evening, with Ellabelle sending word to +old Angus that she wanted me to have the necklace of brilliants with the +sapphire pendant, and the two faithful maids was to get suitable +keepsakes out of the rest of her jewels, and would her son always wear +the seal ring with her hair in it that she had given him when he was +twenty? And the old devil started in to tell how much he could have +saved by taking charge of the work in his own house, and how a union man +nowadays would do just enough to keep within the law, and so on; but he +got to yawning his head off and retired at nine, complaining that his +valet that morning had cleaned and pressed his overalls. Young Angus +looked very shrewd at me and again says: 'The old liar! He has some +other reason than money. He can't fool me.' + +"I kind of gathered from both of them the truth of what happened the +next day. Young Angus himself showed up at the job about nine A.M., with +a bundle under his arm. 'Where's the old man?' his father heard him +demand of the carpenter, he usually speaking of old Angus as the +governor. + +"'Here,' says he from the top of a stepladder in the entry which looked +as if a glacier had passed through it. + +"'Could you put me to work?' says the boy. + +"'Don't get me to shaking with laughter up here,' says the old brute. +'Can't you see I'd be in peril of falling off?' + +"Young Angus undoes his bundle and reveals overalls and a jumper which +he gets into quickly. 'What do I do first?' says he. + +"His father went on kalsomining and took never a look at him more. 'The +time has largely passed here,' says he, 'for men that haven't learned to +do something, but you might take some of the burnt umber there and work +it well into a big gob of that putty till it's brown enough to match the +woodwork. Should you display the least talent for that we may see later +if you've any knack with a putty knife.' + +"The new hand had brought no lunch with him, but his father spared him a +few scraps from his own, and they all swigged beer from a pail of it +they sent out for. So the scandal was now complete in all its details. +The palatial dining-room that night, being a copy of a good church or +something from ancient Italy, smelled like a paint shop indeed--and +sounded like one through dinner. 'That woodwork will be fit to +second-coat first thing in the morning,' says old Angus. 'I'll have it +sandpapered in no time,' says the boy. 'Your sandpapering ain't bad,' +says the other, 'though you have next to no skill with a brush.' 'I +thought I was pretty good with that flat one though.' 'Oh, fair; just +fair! First-coating needs little finesse. There! I forgot to order more +rubbing varnish. Maybe the men will think of it.' And so on till they +both yawned themselves off to their Scotch Renaysence apartments. +Ellabelle had not yet learned the worst. It seemed to be felt that she +had a right to perish without suffering the added ignominy of knowing +her son was acting like a common wage slave. + +"They was both on the job next day. Of course the disgraceful affair had +by now penetrated to the remotest outlying marble shack. Several male +millionaires this day appeared on the scene to josh Angus, _peer_, and +Angus, _fills_, as they toiled at their degrading tasks. Not much +attention was paid to 'em, it appears, not even to the old train-robber +who come to jest and remained to cross-examine Angus about how much he +was really going to clear on the job, seriously now. Anything like that +was bound to fascinate the old crook. + +"And next day, close to quitting time, what happens but this here robber +chieftain's petted daughter coming in and hanging round and begging to +be let to help because it was such jolly fun. I believe she did get hold +of a square of sandpaper with which she daintily tried to remove some +fresh varnish that should have been let strictly alone; and when they +both ordered her out in a frenzy of rage, what does she do but wait for +'em with her car which she made them enter and drove them to their abode +like they belonged to the better class of people that one would care to +know. The two fools was both kind of excited about this that night. + +"The next day she breezes in again and tries to get them to knock off an +hour early so she can take them to the country club for tea, but they +refuse this, so she makes little putty statues of them both and drove a +few nails where they would do no good and upset a bucket of paste and +leaned a two-hundred-dollar lace thing against a varnished wall to the +detriment of both, and fell off a stepladder. Old Angus caught her and +boxed her ears soundly. And again she drove them through the avenues of +a colony of fine old families with money a little bit older, by a few +days, and up the drive to their own door. + +"Ellabelle was peeking between the plush curtains on this occasion, for +some heartless busybody during the day had told her that her son and +husband was both renegades now. And strangely enough, she begun to get +back her strength from that very moment--seeing that exclusive and +well-known young debby-tant consorting in public with the reprobates. +I'm darned if she didn't have the genius after that to treat the whole +thing as a practical joke, especially when she finds out that none of +them exclusives had had it long enough to look down on another +millionaire merely for pinching a penny now and then. Old Angus as a +matter of fact had become just a little more important than she had ever +been and could have snubbed any one he wanted to. The only single one in +the whole place that throwed him down was his own English valet. He was +found helpless drunk in a greenhouse the third day, having ruined nine +thousand dollars' worth of orchids he'd gone to sleep amongst, and he +resigned his position with bitter dignity the moment he recovered +consciousness. + +"Moreover, young Angus and this girl clenched without further +opposition. Her train-robber father said the boy must have something in +him even if he didn't look it, and old Angus said he still believed the +girl to be nothing but a yellow-haired soubrette; but what should we +expect of a woman, after all? + +"The night the job was finished we had the jolliest dinner of my visit, +with a whole gang of exclusive-setters at the groaning board, including +this girl and her folks, and champagne, of which Angus, _peer_, consumed +near one of the cut-glass vases full. + +"I caught him with young Angus in the deserted library later, while the +rest was one-stepping in the Henry Quatter ballroom or dance hall. The +old man had his arms pretty well upon the boy's shoulders. Yes, sir, he +was almost actually hugging him. The boy fled to this gilded café where +the rest was, and old Angus, with his eyes shining very queer, he grabs +me by the arm and says, 'Once when he was very small--though unusually +large for his age of three, mind you--he had a way of scratching my face +something painful with his little nails, and all in laughing play, you +know. I tried to warn him, but he couldn't understand, of course; so, +not knowing how else to instruct him, I scratched back one day, laughing +myself like he was, but sinking my nails right fierce into the back of +his little fat neck. He relaxed the tension in his own fingers. He was +hurt, for the tears started, but he never cried. He just looked puzzled +and kept on laughing, being bright to see I could play the game, too. +Only he saw it wasn't so good a game as he'd thought. I wonder what +made me think of that, now! I don't know. Come--from yonder doorway we +can see him as he dances.' + +"And Ellabelle was saying gently to one and all, with her merry peal of +laughter, 'Ah, yes--once a Scotchman, always--' + +"My land! It's ten o'clock. Don't them little white-faced beauties make +the music! Honestly I'd like to have a cot out in the corral. We miss a +lot of it in here." + + + + +V + +NON PLUSH ULTRA + + +Sunday and a driving rain had combined to keep Ma Pettengill within the +Arrowhead ranch house. Neither could have done this alone. The rain +would merely have added a slicker to her business costume of khaki +riding breeches, laced boots, and flannel shirt as she rode abroad; +while a clement Sabbath would have seen her "resting," as she would put +it, in and round the various outbuildings, feeding-pens, blacksmith +shop, harness-room, branding-chute, or what not, issuing orders to +attentive henchmen from time to time; diagnosing the gray mule's +barbed-wire cut; compounding a tonic for Adolph, the big milk-strain +Durham bull, who has been ailing; wishing to be told why in something +the water hadn't been turned into that south ditch; and, like a +competent general, disposing her forces and munitions for the campaign +of the coming week. But Sunday--and a wildly rainy Sunday--had housed +her utterly. + +Being one who can idle with no grace whatever she was engaged in what +she called putting the place to rights. This meant taking out the +contents of bureau drawers and wardrobes and putting them back again, +massing the litter on the big table in the living-room into an involved +geometry of neat piles that would endure for all of an hour, +straightening pictures on the walls, eliminating the home-circles of +spiders long unmolested, loudly calling upon Lew Wee, the Chinaman, who +affrightedly fled farther and farther after each call, and ever and +again booming pained surmises through the house as to what fearful state +it would get to be in if she didn't fight it to a clean finish once in a +dog's age. + +The woman dumped a wastebasket of varied rubbish into the open fire, +leaned a broom against the mantel, readjusted the towel that protected +her gray hair from the dust--hair on week days exposed with never a +qualm to all manner of dust--cursed all Chinamen on land or sea with an +especial and piquant blight invoked upon the one now in hiding, then +took from the back of a chair where she had hung it the moment before a +riding skirt come to feebleness and decrepitude. She held it up before +critical eyes as one scanning the morning paper for headlines of +significance. + +"Ruined!" she murmured. Even her murmur must have reached Lew Wee, how +remote soever his isle of safety. "Worn one time and all ruined up! +That's what happens for trying to get something for nothing. You'd think +women would learn. You would if you didn't know a few. Hetty Daggett, +her that was Hetty Tipton, orders this by catalogue, No. 3456 or +something, from the mail-order house in Chicago. I was down in Red Gap +when it come. 'Isn't it simply wonderful what you can get for three +thirty-eight!' says she with gleaming eyes, laying this thing out before +me. 'I don't see how they can ever do it for the money.' She found out +the next day when she rode up here in it with me and Mr. Burchell +Daggett, her husband. Nothing but ruin! Seams all busted, sleazy cloth +wore through. But Hetty just looks it over cheerfully and says: 'Oh, +well, what can you expect for three thirty-eight?' Is that like a woman +or is it like something science has not yet discovered? + +"That Hetty child is sure one woman. This skirt would never have held +together to ride back in, so she goes down as far as the narrow gauge in +the wagon with Buck Devine, wearing a charming afternoon frock of pale +blue charmeuse rather than get into a pair of my khakis and ride back +with her own lawful-wedded husband; yes, sir; married to him safe as +anything, but wouldn't forget her womanhood. Only once did she ever come +near it. I saved her then because she hadn't snared Mr. Burchell Daggett +yet, and of course a girl has to be a little careful. And she took my +counsels so much to heart she's been careful ever since. 'Why, I should +simply die of mortification if my dear mate were to witness me in +those,' says she when I'm telling her to take a chance for once and get +into these here riding pants of mine because it would be uncomfortable +going down in that wagon. 'But what is my comfort compared to dear +Burchell's peace of mind?' says she. + +"Ain't we the goods, though, when we do once learn a thing? Of course +most of us don't have to learn stuff like this. Born in us. I shouldn't +wonder if they was something in the talk of this man Shaw or Shavian--I +see the name spelled both ways in the papers. I can't read his pieces +myself because he rasps me, being not only a smarty but a vegetarian. I +don't know. I might stand one or the other purebred, but the cross seems +to bring out the worst strain in both. I once got a line on his beliefs +and customs though--like it appears he don't believe anything ought to +be done for its own sake but only for some good purpose. It was one day +I got caught at a meeting of the Onward and Upward Club in Red Gap and +Mrs. Alonzo Price read a paper about his meaning. I hope she didn't +wrong him. I hope she was justified in all she said he really means in +his secret heart. No one ought to talk that way about any one if they +ain't got the goods on 'em. One thing I might have listened to with some +patience if the man et steaks and talked more like some one you'd care +to have in your own home. In fact, I listened to it anyway. Maybe he +took it from some book he read--about woman and her true nature. +According to Henrietta Templeton Price, as near as I could get her, this +Shaw or Shavian believes that women is merely a flock of men-hawks +circling above the herd till they see a nice fat little lamb of a man, +then one fell swoop and all is over but the screams of the victim dying +out horribly. They bear him off to their nest in a blasted pine and pick +the meat from his bones at leisure. Of course that ain't the way ladies +was spoken of in the Aunt Patty Little Helper Series I got out of the +Presbyterian Sabbath-school library back in Fredonia, New York, when I +was thirteen--and yet--and yet--as they say on the stage in these plays +of high or English life." + +It sounded promising enough, and the dust had now settled so that I +could dimly make out the noble lines of my hostess. I begged for more. + +"Well, go on--Mrs. Burchell Daggett once nearly forgot her womanhood. +Certainly, go on, if it's anything that would be told outside of a +smoking-car." + +The lady grinned. + +"Many of us has forgot our womanhood in the dear, dead past," she +confessed. "Me? Sure! Where's that photo album. Where did I put that +album anyway? That's the way in this house. Get things straightened up +once, you can't find a single one you want. Look where I put it now!" +She demolished an obelisk of books on the table, one she had lately +constructed with some pains, and brought the album that had been its +pedestal. "Get me there, do you?" + +It was the photograph of a handsome young woman in the voluminous riding +skirt of years gone by, before the side-saddle became extinct. She held +a crop and wore an astoundingly plumed bonnet. Despite the offensive +disguise, one saw provocation for the course adopted by the late +Lysander John Pettengill at about that period. + +"Very well--now get me here, after I'd been on the ranch only a month." +It was the same young woman in the not too foppish garb of a cowboy. In +wide-brimmed hat, flannel shirt, woolly chaps, quirt in hand, she +bestrode a horse that looked capable and daring. + +"Yes, sir, I hadn't been here only a month when I forgot my womanhood +like that. Gee! How good it felt to get into 'em and banish that +sideshow tent of a skirt. I'd never known a free moment before and I +blessed Lysander John for putting me up to it. Then, proud as Punch, +what do I do but send one of these photos back to dear old Aunt +Waitstill, in Fredonia, thinking she would rejoice at the wild, free +life I was now leading in the Far West. And what do I get for it but a +tear-spotted letter of eighteen pages, with a side-kick from her pastor, +the Reverend Abner Hemingway, saying he wishes to indorse every word of +Sister Baxter's appeal to me--asking why do I parade myself shamelessly +in this garb of a fallen woman, and can nothing be said to recall me to +the true nobility that must still be in my nature but which I am +forgetting in these licentious habiliments, and so on! The picture had +been burned after giving the Reverend his own horrified flash of it, and +they would both pray daily that I might get up out of this degradation +and be once more a good, true woman that some pure little child would +not be ashamed to call the sacred name of mother. + +"Such was Aunt Waitstill--what names them poor old girls had to stand +for! I had another aunt named Obedience, only she proved to be a regular +cinch-binder. Her name was never mentioned in the family after she slid +down a rainspout one night and eloped to marry a depraved scoundrel who +drove through there on a red wagon with tinware inside that he would +trade for old rags. I'm just telling you how times have changed in spite +of the best efforts of a sanctified ministry. I cried over that letter +at first. Then I showed it to Lysander John, who said 'Oh, hell!' being +a man of few words, so I felt better and went right on forgetting my +womanhood in that shameless garb of a so-and-so--though where aunty had +got her ideas of such I never could make out--and it got to be so much a +matter of course and I had so many things to think of besides my +womanhood that I plumb forgot the whole thing until this social upheaval +in Red Gap a few years ago. + +"I got to tell you that the wild and lawless West, in all matters +relating to proper dress for ladies, is the most conservative and +hidebound section of our great land of the free and home of the +brave--if you can get by with it. Out here the women see by the Sunday +papers that it's being wore that way publicly in New York and no one +arrested for it, but they don't hardly believe it at that, and they +wouldn't show themselves in one, not if you begged them to on your +bended knees, and what is society coming to anyway? You might as well +dress like one of them barefooted dancers, only calling 'em barefooted +must be meant like sarcasm--and they'd die before they'd let a daughter +of theirs make a show of herself like that for odious beasts of men to +leer at, and so on--until a couple years later Mrs. Henrietta Templeton +Price gets a regular one and wears it down Main Street, and nothing +objectionable happens; so then they all hustle to get one--not quite so +extreme, of course, but after all, why not, since only the evil-minded +could criticise? Pretty soon they're all wearing it exactly like New +York did two years ago, with mebbe the limit raised a bit here and there +by some one who makes her own. But again they're saying that the latest +one New York is wearing is so bad that it must be confined to a certain +class of women, even if they do get taken from left to right at Asbury +Park and Newport and other colonies of wealth and fashion, because the +vilest dregs can go there if they have the price, which they often do. + +"Red Gap is like that. With me out here on the ranch it didn't matter +what I wore because it was mostly only men that saw me; but I can well +remember the social upheaval when our smartest young matrons and +well-known society belles flung modesty to the chinook wind and took to +divided skirts for horseback riding. My, the brazen hussies! It ain't so +many years ago. Up to that time any female over the age of nine caught +riding a horse cross-saddle would have lost her character good and +quick. And these pioneers lost any of theirs that wasn't cemented good +and hard with proved respectability. I remember hearing Jeff Tuttle tell +what he'd do to any of his womenfolks that so far forgot the sacred +names of home and mother. It was startling enough, but Jeff somehow +never done it. And if he was to hear Addie or one of the girls talking +about a side-saddle to-day he'd think she was nutty or mebbe wanting one +for the state museum. So it goes with us. My hunch is that so it will +ever go. + +"The years passed, and that thrill of viciousness at wearing divided +skirts in public got all rubbed off--that thrill that every last one of +us adores to feel if only it don't get her talked about--too much--by +evil-minded gossips. Then comes this here next upheaval over riding +pants for ladies--or them that set themselves up to be such. Of course +we'd long known that the things were worn in New York and even in such +modern Babylons as Spokane and Seattle; but no woman in Red Gap had ever +forgot she had a position to keep up, until summer before last, when we +saw just how low one of our sex could fall, right out on the public +street. + +"She was the wife of a botanist from some Eastern college and him and +her rode a good bit and dressed just alike in khaki things. My, the +infamies that was intimated about that poor creature! She was bony and +had plainly seen forty, very severe-featured, with scraggly hair and a +sharp nose and spectacles, and looked as if she had never had a moment +of the most innocent pleasure in all her life; but them riding pants +fixed her good in the minds of our lady porch-knockers. And the men just +as bad, though they could hardly bear to look twice at her, she was that +discouraging to the eye; they agreed with their wives that she must be +one of that sort. + +"But things seem to pile up all at once in our town. That very summer +the fashion magazines was handed round with pages turned down at the +more daring spots where ladies were shown in such things. It wasn't felt +that they were anything for the little ones to see. But still, after +all, wasn't it sensible, now really, when you come right down to it? and +as a matter of fact isn't a modest woman modest in anything?--it isn't +what she wears but how she conducts herself in public, or don't you +think so, Mrs. Ballard?--and you might as well be dead as out of style, +and would Lehman, the Square Tailor, be able to make up anything like +that one there?--but no, because how would he get your measure?--and +surely no modest woman could give him hers even if she did take it +herself--anyway, you'd be insulted by all the street rowdies as you rode +by, to say nothing of being ogled by men without a particle of fineness +in their natures--but there's always something to be said on both sides, +and it's time woman came into her own, anyway, if she is ever to be +anything but man's toy for his idle moments--still it would never do to +go to extremes in a narrow little town like this with every one just +looking for an excuse to talk--but it would be different if all the best +people got together and agreed to do it, only most of them would +probably back out at the last moment and that smarty on the _Recorder_ +would try to be funny about it--now that one with the long coat doesn't +look so terrible, does it? or do you think so?--of course it's almost +the same as a skirt except when you climb on or something--a woman has +to think of those things--wouldn't Daisy Estelle look rather stunning in +that?--she has just the figure for it. Here's this No. 9872 with the +Norfolk jacket in this mail-order catalogue--do you think that looks too +theatrical, or don't you? Of course for some figures, but I've always +been able to wear--And so forth, for a month or so. + +"Late in the fall Henrietta Templeton Price done it. You may not know +what that meant to Alonzo Price, Choice Villa Sites and Price's Addition +to Red Gap. Alonzo is this kind: I met him the day Gussie Himebaugh had +her accident when the mules she was driving to the mowing machine run +away out on Himebaugh's east forty. Alonzo had took Doc Maybury out and +passes me coming back. 'How bad was she hurt?' I asks. The poor thing +looks down greatly embarrassed and mumbles: 'She has broken a limb.' +'Leg or arm?' I blurts out, forgetting all delicacy. You'd think I had +him pinned down, wouldn't you? Not Lon, though. 'A lower limb,' says he, +coughing and looking away. + +"You see how men are till we put a spike collar and chain on 'em. When +Henrietta declared herself Alonzo read the riot act and declared marital +law. But there was Henrietta with the collar and chain and pretty soon +Lon was saying: 'You're quite right, Pettikins, and you ought to have +the thanks of the community for showing our ladies how to dress +rationally on horseback. It's not only sensible and safe but it's +modest--a plain pair of riding breeches, no coquetry, no frills, nothing +but stern utility--of course I agree.' + +"'I hoped you would, darling,' says Henrietta. She went to Miss +Gunslaugh and had her make the costume, being one who rarely does things +by halves. It was of blue velvet corduroy, with a fetching little bolero +jacket, and the things themselves were fitted, if you know what I mean. +And stern utility! That suit with its rosettes and bows and frogs and +braid had about the same stern utility as those pretty little tin tongs +that come on top of a box of candy--ever see anybody use one of those? +When Henrietta got dressed for her first ride and had put on the Cuban +Pink Face Balm she looked like one of the gypsy chorus in the Bohemian +Girl opera. + +"Alonzo gulped several times in rapid succession when he saw her, but +the little man never starts anything he don't aim to finish, and it was +too late to start it then. Henrietta brazened her way through Main +Street and out to the country club and back, and next day she put them +on again so Otto Hirsch, of the E-light Studio, could come up and take +her standing by the horse out in front of the Price mansion. Then they +was laid away until the Grand Annual Masquerade Ball of the Order of the +Eastern Star, which is a kind of hen Masons, when she again gave us a +flash of what New York society ladies was riding their horse in. As a +matter of fact, Henrietta hates a horse like a rattlesnake, but she had +done her pioneer work for once and all. + +"Every one was now laughing and sneering at the old-fashioned divided +skirt with which woman had endangered her life on a horse, and wondering +how they had endured the clumsy things so long; and come spring all the +prominent young society buds and younger matrons of the most exclusive +set who could stay on a horse at all was getting theirs ready for the +approaching season, Red Gap being like London in having its gayest +season in the summer, when people can get out more. Even Mis' Judge +Ballard fell for it, though hers was made of severe black with a long +coat. She looked exactly like that Methodist minister, the old one, that +we had three years ago. + +"Most of the younger set used the mail-order catalogue, their figures +still permitting it. And maybe there wasn't a lot of trying on behind +drawn blinds pretty soon, and delighted giggles and innocent girlish +wonderings about whether the lowest type of man really ogles as much +under certain circumstances as he's said to. And the minute the roads +got good the telephone of Pierce's Livery, Feed, and Sale Stable was +kept on the ring. Then the social upheaval was on. Of course any of 'em +looked quiet after Henrietta's costume, for none of the girls but Beryl +Mae Macomber, a prominent young society bud, aged seventeen, had done +anything like that. But it was the idea of the thing. + +"A certain element on the South Side made a lot of talk and stirred +things up and wrote letters to the president of the Civic Purity League, +who was Mis' Judge Ballard herself, asking where this unspeakable +disrobing business was going to end and calling her attention to the +fate that befell Sodom and Gomorrah. But Mis' Ballard she's mixed on +names and gets the idea these parties mean Samson and Delilah instead of +a couple of twin cities, like St. Paul and Minneapolis, and she writes +back saying what have these Bible characters got to do with a lady +riding on horseback--in trousers, it is true, but with a coat falling +modestly to the knee on each side, and certain people had better be a +little more fussy about things that really matter in life before they +begin to talk. She knew who she was hitting at all right, too. Trust +Mis' Ballard! + +"It was found that there was almost the expected amount of ogling from +sidewalk loafers, at first. As Daisy Estelle Maybury said, it seemed as +if a girl couldn't show herself on the public thoroughfare without being +subjected to insult. Poor Daisy Estelle! She had been a very popular +young society belle, and was considered one of the most attractive girls +in Red Gap until this happened. No one had ever suspected it of her in +the least degree up to that time. Of course it was too late after she +was once seen off her horse. Them that didn't see was told in full +detail by them that did. Most of the others was luckier. Beryl Mae +Macomber in her sport shirt and trouserettes complained constantly about +the odious wretches along Main Street and Fourth, where the post office +was. She couldn't stop even twenty minutes in front of the post office, +minding her own business and waiting for some one she knew to come along +and get her mail for her, without having dozens of men stop and ogle +her. That, of course, was during the first two weeks after she took to +going for the mail, though the eternal feminine in Beryl Mae probably +thought the insulting glances was going to keep up forever. + +"I watched the poor child one day along in the third week, waiting there +in front of the post office after the four o'clock mail, and no one +hardly ogled her at all except some rude children out from school. What +made it more pitiful, leaning right there against the post office front +was Jack Shiels, Sammie Hamilton, and little old Elmer Cox, Red Gap's +three town rowdies that ain't done a stroke of work since the canning +factory closed down the fall before, creatures that by rights should +have been leering at the poor child In all her striking beauty. But, no; +the brutes stand there looking at nothing much until Jack Shiels stares +a minute at this horse Beryl Mae is on and pipes up: 'Why, say, I +thought Pierce let that little bay runt go to the guy that was in here +after polo ponies last Thursday. I sure did.' And Sam Hamilton wakes up +and says: 'No, sir; not this one. He got rid of a little mare that had +shoulders like this, but she was a roan with kind of mule ears and one +froze off.' And little old Elmer Cox, ignoring this defenceless young +girl with his impudent eyes, he says: 'Yes, Sam's right for once. Pierce +tried to let this one go, too, but ain't you took a look at his hocks!' +Then along comes Dean Duke, the ratty old foreman in Pierce's stable, +and he don't ogle a bit, either, like you'd expect one of his debased +calibre to, but just stops and talks this horse over with 'em and says +yes, it was his bad hocks that lost the sale, and he tells 'em how he +had told Pierce just what to do to get him shaped up for a quick sale, +but Pierce wouldn't listen to him, thinking he knew it all himself; and +there the four stood and gassed about this horse without even seeing +Beryl Mae, let alone leering at her. I bet she was close to shedding +tears of girlish mortification as she rode off without ever waiting for +the mail. Things was getting to a pretty pass. If low creatures lost to +all decent instincts, like these four, wouldn't ogle a girl when she was +out for it, what could be expected of the better element of the town? +Still, of course, now and then one or the other of the girls would have +a bit of luck to tell of. + +"Well, now we come to the crookedest bit of work I ever been guilty of, +though first telling you about Mr. Burchell Daggett, an Eastern society +man from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, that had come to Red Gap that spring to be +assistant cashier in the First National, through his uncle having stock +in the thing. He was a very pleasant kind of youngish gentleman, about +thirty-four, I reckon, with dark, parted whiskers and gold eyeglasses +and very good habits. He took his place among our very best people right +off, teaching the Bible class in the M.E. Sabbath-school and belonging +to the Chamber of Commerce and the City Beautiful Association, of which +he was made vice-president, and being prominent at all functions held in +our best homes. He wasn't at all one of them that lead a double life by +stopping in at the Family Liquor Store for a gin fizz or two after work +hours, or going downtown after supper to play Kelly pool at the +Temperance Billiard Parlours and drink steam beer, or getting in with +the bunch that gathers in the back room of the Owl Cigar Store of an +evening and tells these here suggestive stories. Not that he was +hide-bound. If he felt the need for a shot of something he'd go into the +United States Grill and have a glass of sherry and bitters brought to +him at a table and eat a cracker with it, and he'd take in every show, +even the Dizzy Belles of Gotham Big Blonde Beauty Show. He was refined +and even moral in the best sense of the word, but still human. + +"Our prominent young society buds took the keenest notice of him at +once, as would naturally happen, he being a society bachelor of means +and by long odds the best catch in Red Gap since old Potter Knapp, of +the Loan and Trust Company, had broke his period of mourning for his +third wife by marrying Myrtle Wade that waited on table at the +Occidental Hotel, with the black band still on his left coat sleeve. +It's no exaggeration to say that Mr. Burchell Daggett became the most +sought-after social favourite among Reg Gap's hoot mondy in less than a +week after he unpacked his trunk. But it was very soon discovered by the +bright-eyed little gangsters of the best circles that he wasn't going to +be an easy one to disable. Naturally when a man has fought 'em off to +his age he has learned much of woodcraft and the hunter's cunning wiles, +and this one had sure developed timber sense. He beat 'em at their own +game for three months by the simple old device of not playing any +favourite for one single minute, and very, very seldom getting alone +with one where the foul stroke can be dealt by the frailest hand with +muscular precision. If he took Daisy Estelle Maybury to the chicken pie +supper to get a new carpet for the Presbyterian parsonage, he'd up and +take Beryl Mae and her aunt, or Gussie Himebaugh, or Luella Stultz, to +the lawn feet at Judge Ballard's for new uniforms for the band boys. At +the Bazaar of All Nations he bought as many chances of one girl as he +did of another, and if he hadn't any more luck than a rabbit and won +something--a hanging lamp or a celluloid manicure set in a plush-lined +box--he'd simply put it up to be raffled off again for the good of the +cause. And none of that moonlight loitering along shaded streets for +him, where the dirk is so often drove stealthily between a man's ribs, +and him thinking all the time he's only indulging in a little playful +nonsense. Often as not he'd take two girls at once, where all could be +merry without danger of anything happening. + +"It was no time at all till this was found out on him. It was seen that +under a pleasing exterior, looking all too easy to overcome by any girl +in her right mind, he had powers of resistance and evasion that was like +steel. Of course this only stirred the proud beauties on to renewed and +crookeder efforts. Every darned one of 'em felt that her innocent young +girlhood was challenged, and would she let it go at that? Not so. My +lands! What snares and deadfalls was set for this wise old timber wolf +that didn't look it, with his smiling ways and seemingly careless +response to merry banter, and so forth! + +"And of course every one of these shrinking little scoundrels thought at +once of her new riding costume, so no time at all was lost in organizing +the North Side Riding and Sports Club, which Mr. Burchell Daggett gladly +joined, having, as he said, an eye for a horse and liking to get out +after banking hours to where all Nature seems to smile and you can let +your mount out a bit over the firm, smooth road. Them that had held off +until now, on account of the gossip and leering, hurried up and got into +line with No. 9872 in the mail-order catalogue, or went to Miss +Gunslaugh, who by this time had a female wax dummy in her window in a +neat brown suit and puttees, with a coat just opening and one foot +advanced carelessly, with gauntlets and a riding crop, and a fetching +little cap over the wind-blown hair and the clear, wonderful blue eyes. +Oh, you can bet every last girl of the bunch was seeing herself send +back picture postals to her rivals telling what a royal time they was +having at Palm or Rockaway Beach or some place, and seeing the engraved +cards--'Mr. and Mrs. Burchell Daggett, at Home After the Tenth, Ophir +Avenue, Red Gap, Wash.' + +"Ain't we good when you really get us, if you ever do--because some +don't. Many, indeed! I reckon there never was a woman yet outside of a +feeb' home that didn't believe she could be an A. No. 1 siren if she only +had the nerve to dress the part; never one that didn't just ache to sway +men to her lightest whim, and believe she could--not for any evil +purpose, mind you, but just to show her power. Think of the tender +hearts that must have shuddered over the damage they could and actually +might do in one of them French bathing suits like you are said to +witness in Paris and Atlantic City and other sinks of iniquity. And here +was these well-known society favourites wrought up by this legible +party, as the French say, till each one was ready to go just as far as +the Civic Purity League would let her in order to sweep him off his feet +in one mad moment. Quite right, too. It all depends on what the object +is, don't it; and wasn't theirs honourable matrimony with an +establishment and a lawn in front of it with a couple of cast-iron +moose, mebbe? + +"And amid all this quaint girlish enterprise and secret infamy was the +problem of Hetty Tipton. Hetty had been a friend and a problem of mine +for seven years, or ever since she come back from normal to teach in the +third-grade grammar school; a fine, clean, honest, true-blue girl, mebbe +not as pretty you'd say at first as some others, but you like her better +after you look a few times more, and with not the slightest nonsense +about her. That last was Hetty's one curse. I ask you, what chance has a +girl got with no nonsense about her? Hetty won my sympathy right at the +start by this infirmity of hers, which was easily detected, and for +seven years I'd been trying to cure her of it, but no use. Oh, she was +always took out regular enough and well liked, but the gilded youth of +Red Gap never fought for her smiles. They'd take her to parties and +dances, turn and turn about, but they always respected her, which is the +greatest blight a man can put on one of us, if you know what I mean. +Every man at a party was always careful to dance a decent number of +times with Hetty and see that she got back to her seat; and wasn't it +warm in here this evening, yes, it was; and wouldn't she have a glass of +the punch--No, thank you--then he'd gallop off to have some fun with a +mere shallow-pated fool that had known how from the cradle. It was +always a puzzle to me, because Hetty dressed a lot better than most of +them, knowing what to wear and how, and could take a joke if it come +slow, and laid herself out to be amiable to one and all. I kind of think +it must be something about her mentality. Maybe it is too mental. I +can't put her to you any plainer than to say that every single girl in +town, young and old, just loved her, and not one of them up to this time +had ever said an unkind or feminine thing about her. I guess you know +what that would mean of any woman. + +"Hetty was now coming twenty-nine--we never spoke of this, but I could +count back--and it's my firm belief that no man had ever proposed +marriage or anything else on earth to her. Wilbur Todd had once +endeavoured to hold her hand out on the porch at a country-club dance +and she had repulsed him in all kindness but firmly. She told him she +couldn't bring herself to permit a familiarity of that sort except to +the man who would one day lead her to the altar, which is something I +believe she got from writing to a magazine about a young girl's +perplexities. And here, in spite of her record, this poor thing had +dared to raise her eyes to none other than this Mr. Burchell Daggett. +There was something kind of grand and despairing about the impudence of +it when you remember these here trained efficiency experts she was +competing with. Yet so it was. She would drop in on me after school for +a cup of tea and tell me frankly how distinguished his manner was and +what shapely features he had and what fine eyes, and how there was a +certain note in his voice at times, and had I ever noticed that one +stubborn lock of hair that stuck out back of his left ear? Of course +that last item settled it. When they notice that lock of hair you know +the ship has struck the reef and all hands are perishing. + +"And it seemed that the cuss had not only shown her more than a little +attention at evening functions but had escorted her to the midspring +production of 'Hamlet' by the Red Gap Amateur Theatrical and Dramatic +Society. True, he had conducted himself like a perfect gentleman every +minute they was alone together, even when they had to go home in Eddie +Pierce's hack because it was raining when the show let out--but would I, +or would I not, suspect from all this that he was in the least degree +thinking of her in a way that--you know! + +"Poor child of twenty-eight, with her hungry eyes and flushed face while +she was showing down her hand to me! I seen the scoundrel's play at +once. Hetty was the one safe bet for him in Red Gap's social whirl. He +was wise, all right--this Mr. D. He'd known in a second he could trust +himself alone with that girl and be as safe as a babe in its mother's +arms. Of course I couldn't say this to Hetty. I just said he was a man +that seemed to know his own mind very clearly, whatever it was, and +Hetty blushed some more and said that something within her responded to +a certain note in his voice. We let it go at that. + +"So I think and ponder about poor Hetty, trying to invent some +conspiracy that would fix it right, because she was the ideal mate for +an assistant cashier that had a certain position to keep up. For that +matter she was good enough for any man. Then I hear she has joined the +riding club, and an all day's ride has been planned for the next +Saturday up to Stender's Spring, with a basket lunch and a romantic ride +back by moonlight. Of course, I don't believe in any of this +spiritualist stuff, but you can't tell me there ain't something in it, +mind-reading or something, with the hunches you get when parties is in +some grave danger. + +"Stella Ballard it was tells me about the picnic, calling me in as I +passed their house to show me her natty new riding togs that had just +come from the mail-order house. She called from back of a curtain, and +when I got into the parlour she had them on, pleased as all get-out. +Pretty they was, too--riding breeches and puttees and a man's flannel +shirt and a neat-fitting Norfolk jacket, and Stella being a fine, +upstanding figure. + +"'They may cause considerable talk,' says she, smoothing down one leg +where it wrinkled a bit, 'but really I think they look perfectly +stunning on me, and wasn't it lucky they fit me so beautifully? They're +called the Non Plush Ultra.' + +"'The what?' I says. + +"'The Non Plush Ultra,' she answers. 'That's the name of them sewed in +the band.' + +"'What's that mean?' I wanted to know. + +"'Why,' says Stella, 'that's Latin or Greek, I forget which, and it +means they're the best, I believe. Oh, let me see! Why, it means nothing +beyond, or something like that; the farthest you can go, I think. One +forgets all that sort of thing after leaving high school.' + +"'Well,' I says, 'they fit fine, and it's the only modest rig for a +woman to ride a horse in, but they certainly are non plush, all right. +That thin goods will never wear long against saddle leather, take my +word for it.' + +"But of course this made no impression on Stella--she was standing on +the centre table by now, so she could lamp herself in the glass over the +mantel--and then she tells me about the excursion for Saturday and how +Mr. Burchell Daggett is enthused about it, him being a superb horseman +himself, and, if I know what she means, don't I think she carries +herself in the saddle almost better than any girl in her set, and won't +her style show better than ever in this duck of a costume, and she must +get her tan shoes polished, and do I think Mr. Daggett really meant +anything when he said he'd expect her some day to return the masonic pin +she had lifted off his vest the other night at the dance, and so on. + +"It was while she was babbling this stuff that I get the strange hunch +that Hetty Tipton is in grave danger and I ought to run to her; it +seemed almost I could hear her calling on me to save her from some +horrible fate. So I tell Stella yes, she's by far the finest rider in +the whole Kulanche Valley, and she ought to get anything she wants with +that suit on, and then I beat it quick over to the Ezra Button house +where Hetty boards. + +"You can laugh all you want to, but that hunch of mine was the God's +truth. Hetty was in the gravest danger she'd faced since one time in +early infancy when she got give morphine for quinine. What made it more +horrible, she hadn't the least notion of her danger. Quite the contrary. + +"'Thank the stars I've come in time!' I gasps as I rushes in on her, for +there's the poor girl before her mirror in a pair of these same Non +Plush Ultras and looking as pleased with herself as if she had some +reason to be. + +"'Back into your skirts quick!' I says. 'I'm a strong woman and all +that, but still I can be affected more than you'd think.' + +"Poor Hetty stutters and turns red and her chin begins to quiver, so I +gentled her down and tried to explain, though seeing quick that I must +tell her everything but the truth. I reckon nothing in this world can +look funnier than a woman wearing them things that had never ought to +for one reason or another. There was more reasons than that in Hetty's +case. Dignity was the first safe bet I could think of with her, so I +tried that. + +"'I know all you would say,' says the poor thing in answer, 'but isn't +it true that men rather like one to be--oh, well, you know--just the +least bit daring?' + +"'Truest thing in the world,' I says, 'but bless your heart, did you +suspicion riding breeches was daring on a woman? Not so. A girl wearing +'em can't be any more daring after the first quick shock is over +than--well, you read the magazines, don't you? You've seen those +pictures of family life in darkest Africa that the explorers and monkey +hunters bring home, where the wives, mothers, and sweethearts, God bless +'em! wear only what the scorching climate demands. Didn't it strike you +that one of them women without anything on would have a hard time if she +tried to be daring--or did it? No woman can be daring without the proper +clothes for it,' I says firmly, 'and as for you, I tell you plain, get +into the most daring and immodest thing that was ever invented for +woman--which is the well-known skirt.' + +"'Oh, Ma Pettengill,' cries the poor thing, 'I never meant anything +horrid and primitive when I said daring. As a matter of fact, I think +these are quite modest to the intelligent eye.' + +"'Just what I'm trying to tell you,' I says. 'Exactly that; they're +modest to any eye whatever. But here you are embarked on a difficult +enterprise, with a band of flinty-hearted cutthroats trying to beat you +to it, and, my dear child, you have a staunch nature and a heart of +gold, but you simply can't afford to be modest.' + +"'I don't understand,' says she, looking at herself in the glass again. + +"'Trust me, anyway,' I implores. 'Let others wear their Non Plush +Ultras which are No. 9872'--she tries to correct my pronunciation, but I +wouldn't stop for that. 'Never mind how it's pronounced,' I says, +'because I know well the meaning of it in a foreign language. It means +the limit, and it's a very desirable limit for many, but for you,' I +says plainly, 'it's different. Your Non Plush Ultra will have to be a +neat, ankle-length riding skirt. You got one, haven't you?' + +"'I have,' says she, 'a very pretty one of tan corduroy, almost new, but +I had looked forward to these, and I don't see yet--' + +"Then I thought of another way I might get to her without blurting out +the truth. 'Listen, Hetty,' I says, 'and remember not only that I'm your +friend but that I know a heap more about this fool world than you do. +I've had bitter experiences, and one of them got me at the time I first +begun to wear riding pants myself, which must have been about the time +you was beginning to bite dents into your silver mug that Aunt Caroline +sent. I was a handsome young hellion, I don't mind telling you, and they +looked well on me, and when Lysander John urged me to be brave and wear +'em outside I was afraid all the men within a day's ride was going to +sneak round to stare at me. My! I was so embarrassed, also with that +same feeling you got in your heart this minute that it was taking an +unfair advantage of any man--you know! I felt like I was using all the +power of my young beauty for unworthy ends. + +"'Well, do you know what I got when I first rode out on the ranch? I +got just about the once-over from every brute there, and that was all. +If one of them ranch hands had ever ogled me a second time I'd have +known it all right, but I never caught one of the scoundrels at it. +First I said: "Now, ain't that fine and chivalrous?" Then I got wise. It +wasn't none of this here boasted Western chivalry, but just plain lack +of interest. I admit it made me mad at first. Any man on the place was +only too glad to look me over when I had regular clothes on, but dress +me like Lysander John and they didn't look at me any oftener than they +did him. Not as often, of course, because as a plain human being and +man's equal I wasn't near as interesting as he was.' + +"'But then, too,' says Hetty, who had only been about half listening to +my lecture, 'I thought it might be striking a blow at the same time for +the freedom of woman.' + +"Well, you know how that freedom-of-the-sex talk always gets me going. I +was mad enough for a minute to spank her just as she stood there in them +Non Plush Ultras she was so proud of. And I did let out some high talk. +Mrs. Dutton told her afterward she thought sure we was having words. + +"'Freedom from skirts,' I says, 'is the last thing your sex wants. +Skirts is the final refuge of immodesty, to which women will cling like +grim death. They will do any possible thing to a skirt--slit it, thin +it, shorten it, hike it up one side--people are setting up nights right +now thinking up some new thing to do to it--but women won't give it up +and dress modestly as men do because it's the only unfair drag they got +left with the men. I see one of our offended sex is daily asking right +out in a newspaper: "Are women people?" I'd just like to whisper to her +that no one yet knows. + +"'If they'll quit their skirts, dress as decently as a man does so they +won't have any but a legitimate pull with him, we'd have a chance to +find out if they're good for anything else. As a matter of fact, they +don't want to be people and dress modestly and wear hats you couldn't +pay over eight dollars for. I believe there was one once, but the poor +thing never got any notice from either sex after she became--a people, +as you might say.' + +"Well, I was going on to get off a few more things I'd got madded up to, +but I caught the look in poor Hetty's face, and it would have melted a +stone. Poor child! There she was, wanting a certain man and willing to +wear or not wear anything on earth that would nail him, and not knowing +what would do it, and complicating her ignorance with meaningless +worries about modesty and daringness and the freedom of her poor sex, +that ain't ever even deuce-low with one woman in a million. + +"And right then, watching her distress, all at once I get my big +inspiration--it just flooded me like the sun coming up. I don't know if +I'm like other folks, but things do come to me that way. And not only +was it a great truth, but it got me out of the hole of having to tell +Hetty certain truths about herself that these Non Plush Ultras made all +too glaring. + +"'Listen,' I says: 'You believe I'm your friend, don't you? And you +believe anything I tell you is from the heart out and will probably have +a grain of sense in it. Well, here is an inspired thought: Women won't +ever dress modestly like men do because men don't want 'em to. I never +saw a man yet that did if he'd tell the truth, and so this here dark +city stranger won't be any exception. Now, then, what do we see on +Saturday next? Why, we see this here gay throng sally forth for +Stender's Spring, the youth and beauty of Red Gap, including Mr. D., +with his nice refined odour of Russia leather and bank bills of large +size--from fifties up--that haven't been handled much. The crowd is of +all sexes, technically, like you might say; a lot of nice, sweet girls +along but dressed to be mere jolly young roughnecks, and just as +interesting to the said stranger as the regular boys that will be +present--hardly more so. And now, as for poor little meek you--you will +look wild and Western, understand me, but feminine; exactly like the +coloured cigarette picture that says under it "Rocky Mountain Cow Girl." +You will be in your pretty tan skirt--be sure to have it pressed--and a +blue-striped sport bloose that I just saw in the La Mode window, and +you'll get some other rough Western stuff there, too: a blue silk +neckerchief and a natty little cow-girl sombrero--the La Mode is showing +a good one called the La Parisienne for four fifty-eight--and the +daintiest pair of tan kid gauntlets you can find, and don't forget a +pair of tan silk stockings--' + +"'They won't show in my riding boots,' says Hetty, looking as if she was +coming to life a little. + +"'Tush for the great, coarse, commonsense riding boots,' I says firmly; +'you will wear precisely that neat little pair of almost new tan pumps +with the yellow bows that you're standing in now. Do you get me?' + +"'But that would be too dainty and absurd,' says Hetty. + +"'Exactly!' I says, shutting my mouth hard. + +"'Why, I almost believe I do get you,' says she, looking religiously up +into the future like that lady saint playing the organ in the picture. + +"'Another thing,' I says: 'You are deathly afraid of a horse and was +hardly ever on one but once when you were a teeny girl, but you do love +the open life, so you just nerved yourself up to come.' + +"'I believe I see more clearly than ever,' says Hetty. She grew up on a +ranch, knows more about a horse than the horse himself does, and would +be a top rider most places, with the cheap help we get nowadays that can +hardly set a saddle. + +"'Also from time to time,' I goes on, 'you want to ask this Mr. D. +little, timid, silly questions that will just tickle him to death and +make him feel superior. Ask him to tell you which legs of a horse the +chaps go on, and other things like that; ask him if the sash that holds +the horrid old saddle on isn't so tight it's hurting your horse. After +the lunch is et, go over to the horse all alone and stroke his nose and +call him a dear and be found by the gent when he follows you over trying +to feed the noble animal a hard-boiled egg and a couple of pickles or +something. Take my word for it, he'll be over all right and have a +hearty laugh at your confusion, and begin to wonder what it is about +you. + +"'How about falling off and spraining my ankle on the way back?' demands +the awakening vestal with a gleam in her eye. + +"'No good,' I says; 'pretty enough for a minute, but it would make +trouble if you kept up the bluff, and if there's one thing a man hates +more than another it's to have a woman round that makes any trouble.' + +"'You have me started on a strange new train of thought,' says Hetty. + +"'I think it's a good one,' I tells her, 'but remember there are risks. +For one thing, you know how popular you have always been with all the +girls. Well, after this day none of 'em will hardly speak to you because +of your low-lifed, deceitful game, and the things they'll say of +you--such things as only woman can say of woman!' + +"'I shall not count the cost,' says she firmly. 'And now I must hurry +down for that sport bloose--blue-striped, you said?' + +"'Something on that order,' I says, 'that fits only too well. You can +do almost anything you want to with your neck and arms, but remember +strictly--a skirt is your one and only Non Plush Ultra.' + +"So I went home all flushed and eager, thinking joyously how little +men--the poor dubs--ever suspect how it's put over on 'em, and the next +day, which was Friday, I thought of a few more underhand things she +could do. So when she run in to see me that afternoon, the excitement of +the chase in her eye, she wanted I should go along on this picnic. I +says yes, I will, being that excited myself and wanting to see really if +I was a double-faced genius or wasn't I? Henrietta Price couldn't go on +account of being still lame from her ride of a week ago, so I could go +as chaperone, and anyway I knew the dear girls would all be glad to have +me because I would look so different from them--like a genial old ranch +foreman going out on rodeo--and the boys was always glad to see me along +anyway. 'I'll be there,' I says to Hetty. 'And here--don't forget at all +times to-morrow to carry this little real lace handkerchief I'm giving +you.' + +"I was at the meeting-place next morning at nine. None of the other +girls was on time, of course, but that was just as well, because Aggie +Tuttle had got her father to come down to the sale yard to pack a mule +with the hampers of lunch. Jeff Tuttle is a good packer all right, but +too inflamed in the case of a mule, which he hates. They always know up +and down that street when he's packing one; ladies drag their children +by as fast as they can. But Jeff had the hitch all throwed before any of +the girls showed up, and all began in a lovely manner, the crowd of +about fifteen getting off not more than an hour late; Mr. Burchell in +the lead and a bevy of these jolly young rascals in their Non Plush +Ultras riding herd on him. + +"Every girl cast cordial glances of pity at poor Hetty when she showed +up in her neat skirt and silly tan pumps with the ridiculous silk +stockings and the close-fitting blue-striped thing, free at the neck, +and her pretty hair all neated under the La Parisienne cow-girl hat. Oh, +they felt kinder than ever before to poor old Hetty when they saw her as +little daring as that, cheering her with a hearty uproar, slapping their +Non Plush Ultras with their caps or gloves, and then giggling +confidentially to one another. Hetty accepted their applause with what +they call a pretty show of confusion and gored her horse with her heel +on the off side so it looked as if the vicious brute was running away +and she might fall off any minute, but somehow she didn't, and got him +soothed with frightened words and by taking the hidden heel out of his +slats--though not until Mr. D. had noticed her good and then looked +again once or twice. + +"And so the party moved on for an hour or two, with the roguish young +roughnecks cutting up merrily at all times, pretending to be cowboys +coming to town on pay day, swinging their hats, giving the long yell, +and doing roughriding to cut each other away from the side of Mr. D. +every now and then, with a noisy laugh of good nature to hide the +poisoned dagger. Daisy Estelle Maybury is an awful good rider, too, and +got next to the hero about every time she wanted to. Poor thing, if she +only knew that once she gets off a horse in 'em it makes all the +difference in the world. + +"The dark city stranger seemed to enjoy it fine, all this noise and +cutting up and cowboy antics like they was just a lot of high-spirited +young men together, but I never weakened in my faith for one minute. +'Laugh on, my proud beauties,' I says, 'but a time will come, just as +sure as you look and act like a passel of healthy boys.' And you bet it +did. + +"We hadn't got halfway to Stender's Spring till Mr. D. got off to +tighten his cinch, and then he sort of drifted back to where Hetty and I +was. I dropped back still farther to where a good chaperone ought to be +and he rode in beside Hetty. The trail was too narrow then for the rest +to come back after their prey, so they had to carry on the rough work +among themselves. + +"Hetty acted perfect. She had a pensive, withdrawn look--'aloof,' I +guess the word is--like she was too tender a flower, too fine for this +rough stuff, and had ought to be in the home that minute telling a fairy +story to the little ones gathered at her decently clad knee. I don't +know how she done it, but she put that impression over. And she tells +Mr. D. that in spite of her quiet, studious tastes she had resolved to +come on this picnic because she loves Nature oh! so dearly, the birds +and the wild flowers and the great rugged trees that have their message +for man if he will but listen with an understanding heart--didn't Mr. D. +think so, or did he? But not too much of this dear old Nature stuff, +which can be easy overdone with a healthy man; just enough to show there +was hidden depths in her nature that every one couldn't find. + +"Then on to silly questions about does a horse lie down when it goes to +sleep each night after its hard day's labour, and isn't her horse's sash +too tight, and what a pretty fetlock he has, so long and thick and +brown--Oh, do you call that the mane? How absurd of poor little me! Mr. +Daggett knows just everything, doesn't he? He's perfectly terrifying. +And where in the world did he ever learn to ride so stunningly, like one +of those dare-devils in a Wild West entertainment? If her own naughty, +naughty horse tries to throw her on the ground again where he can bite +her she'll just have Mr. D. ride the nassy ole sing and teach him better +manners, so she will. There now! He must have heard that--just see him +move his funny ears--don't tell her that horses can't understand things +that are said. And, seriously now, where did Mr. D. ever get his superb +athletic training, because, oh! how all too rare it is to see a +brain-worker of strong mentality and a splendid athlete in one and the +same man. Oh, how pathetically she had wished and wished to be a man and +take her place out in the world fighting its battles, instead of poor +little me who could never be anything but a homebody to worship the +great, strong, red-blooded men who did the fighting and carried on great +industries--not even an athletic girl like those dear things up +ahead--and this horse is bobbing up and down like that on purpose, just +to make poor little me giddy, and so forth. Holding her bridle rein +daintily she was with the lace handkerchief I'd give her that cost me +twelve fifty. + +"Mr. D. took it all like a real man. He said her ignorance of a horse +was adorable and laughed heartily at it. And he smiled in a deeply +modest and masterful way and said 'But, really, that's nothing--nothing +at all, I assure you,' when she said about how he was a corking +athlete--and then kept still to see if she was going on to say more +about it. But she didn't, having the God-given wisdom to leave him +wanting. And then he would be laughing again at her poor-little-me horse +talk. + +"I never had a minute's doubt after that, for it was the eyes of one +fascinated to a finish that he turned back on me half an hour later as +he says: 'Really, Mrs. Pettengill, our Miss Hester is feminine to her +finger tips, is she not?' 'She is, she is,' I answers. 'If you only knew +the trouble I had with the chit about that horrible old riding skirt of +hers when all her girl friends are wearing a sensible costume!' Hetty +blushed good and proper at this, not knowing how indecent I might +become, and Mr. D. caught her at it. Aggie Tuttle and Stella Ballard at +this minute is pretending to be shooting up a town with the couple of +revolvers they'd brought along in their cunning little holsters. Mr. D. +turns his glazed eyes to me once more. 'The real womanly woman,' says he +in a hushed voice, 'is God's best gift to man.' Just like that. + +"'Landed!' I says to myself. 'Throw him up on the bank and light a +fire.' + +"And mebbe you think this tet-à-tet had not been noticed by the merry +throng up front. Not so. The shouting and songs had died a natural +death, and the last three miles of that trail was covered in a gloomy +silence, except for the low voices of Hetty and the male she had so +neatly pronged. I could see puzzled glances cast back at them and catch +mutterings of bewilderment where the trail would turn on itself. But the +poor young things didn't yet realize that their prey was hanging back +there for reasons over which he hadn't any control. They thought, of +course, he was just being polite or something. + +"When we got to the picnic place, though, they soon saw that all was not +well. There was some resumption of the merrymaking as they dismounted +and the girls put one stirrup over the saddle-horn and eased the cinch +like the boys did, and proud of their knowledge, but the glances they +now shot at Hetty wasn't bewildered any more. They was glances of pure +fright. Hetty, in the first place, had to be lifted off her horse, and +Mr. D. done it in a masterly way to show her what a mere feather she +was in his giant's grasp. Then with her feet on the ground she reeled a +mite, so he had to support her. She grasped his great strong arm firmly +and says: 'It's nothing--I shall be right presently--leave me please, go +and help those other girls.' They had some low, heated language about +his leaving her at such a crisis, with her gripping his arm till I bet +it showed for an hour. But finally they broke and he loosened her +horse's sash, as she kept quaintly calling it, and she recovered +completely and said it had been but a moment's giddiness anyway, and +what strength he had in those arms, and yet could use it so gently, and +he said she was a brave, game little woman, and the picnic was served to +one and all, with looks of hearty suspicion and rage now being shot at +Hetty from every other girl there. + +"And now I see that my hunch has been even better than I thought. Not +only does the star male hover about Hetty, cutely perched on a fallen +log with her dainty, gleaming ankles crossed, and looking so fresh and +nifty and feminine, but I'm darned if three or four of the other males +don't catch the contagion of her woman's presence and hang round her, +too, fetching her food of every kind there, feeding her spoonfuls of +Aggie Tuttle's plum preserves, and all like that, one comical thing +after another. Yes, sir; here was Mac Gordon and Riley Hardin and +Charlie Dickman and Roth Hyde, men about town of the younger dancing +set, that had knowed Hetty for years and hardly ever looked at +her--here they was paying attentions to her now like she was some prize +beauty, come down from Spokane for over Sunday, to say nothing of +Mr. D., who hardly ever left her side except to get her another sardine +sandwich or a paper cup of coffee. It was then I see the scientific +explanation of it, like these high-school professors always say that +science is at the bottom of everything. The science of this here was +that they was all devoting themselves to Hetty for the simple reason +that she was the one and only woman there present. + +"Of course these girls in their modest Non Plush Ultras didn't get the +scientific secret of this fact. They was still too obsessed with the +idea that they ought to be ogled on account of them by any male beast in +his right senses. But they knew they'd got in wrong somehow. By this +time they was kind of bunching together and telling each other things in +low tones, while not seeming to look at Hetty and her dupes, at which +all would giggle in the most venemous manner. Daisy Estelle left the +bunch once and made a coy bid for the notice of Mr. D. by snatching his +cap and running merrily off with it about six feet. If there was any one +in the world--except Hetty--could make a man hate the idea of riding +pants for women, she was it. I could see the cold, flinty look come into +his eyes as he turned away from her to Hetty with the pitcher of +lemonade. And then Beryl Mae Macomber, she gets over close enough for +Mr. D. to hear it, and says conditions is made very inharmonious at home +for a girl of her temperament, and she's just liable any minute to chuck +everything and either take up literary work or go into the movies, she +don't know which and don't care--all kind of desperate so Mr. D. will +feel alarmed about a beautiful young thing like that out in the world +alone and unprotected and at the mercy of every designing scoundrel. But +I don't think Mr. D. hears a word of it, he's so intently listening to +Hetty who says here in this beautiful mountain glade where all is peace +how one can't scarcely believe that there is any evil in the world +anywhere, and what a difference it does make when one comes to see life +truly. Then she crossed and recrossed her silken ankles, slightly +adjusted her daring tan skirt, and raised her eyes wistfully to the +treetops, and I bet there wasn't a man there didn't feel that she +belonged in the home circle with the little ones gathered about, telling +'em an awfully exciting story about the naughty, naughty, bad little +white kitten and the ball of mamma's yarn. + +"Yes, sir; Hetty was as much of a revelation to me in one way as she +would of been to that party in another if I hadn't saved her from it. +She must have had the correct female instinct all these years, only no +one had ever started her before on a track where there was no other +entries. With those other girls dressed like she was Hetty would of been +leaning over some one's shoulder to fork up her own sandwiches, and no +one taking hardly any notice whether she'd had some of the hot coffee or +whether she hadn't. And the looks she got throughout the afternoon! Say, +I wouldn't of trusted that girl at the edge of a cliff with a single +pair of those No. 9872's anywhere near. + +"After the lunch things was packed up there was faint attempts at fun +and frolic with songs and chorus--Riley Hardin has a magnificent bass +voice at times and Mac Gordon and Charlie Dickman and Roth Hyde wouldn't +be so bad if they'd let these Turkish cigarettes alone--and the boys got +together and sung some of their good old business-college songs, with +the girls coming in while they murdered Hetty with their beautiful eyes. +But Hetty and Mr. D. sort of withdrew from the noisy enjoyment and +talked about the serious aspects of life and how one could get along +almost any place if only they had their favourite authors. And Mr. D. +says doesn't she sing at all, and she says, Oh! in a way; that her voice +has a certain parlour charm, she has been told, and she sings at--you +can't really call it singing--two or three of the old Scotch songs of +homely sentiment like the Scotch seem to get into their songs as no +other nation can, or doesn't he think so, and he does, indeed. And he's +reading a wonderful new novel in which there is much of Nature with its +lessons for each of us, but in which love conquers all at the end, and +the girl in it reminds him strongly of her, and perhaps she'll be good +enough to sing for him--just for him alone in the dusk--if he brings +this book up to-morrow night so he can show her some good places in it. + +"At first she is sure she has a horrid old engagement for to-morrow +night and is so sorry, but another time, perhaps--Ain't it a marvel the +crooked tricks that girl had learned in one day! And then she remembers +that her engagement is for Tuesday night--what could she have been +thinking of!--and come by all means--only too charmed--and how rarely +nowadays does one meet one on one's own level of culture, or perhaps +that is too awful a word to use--so hackneyed--but anyway he knows what +she means, or doesn't he? He does. + +"Pretty soon she gets up and goes over to her horse, picking her way +daintily in the silly little tan pumps, and seems to be offering the +beast something. The stricken man follows her the second he can without +being too raw about it, and there is the adorably feminine thing with a +big dill pickle, two deviled eggs, and a half of one of these Camelbert +cheeses for her horse. Mr. D. has a good masterly laugh at her idea of +horse fodder and calls her 'But, my dear child!' and she looks prettily +offended and offers this chuck to the horse and he gulps it all down and +noses round for more of the same. It was an old horse named Croppy that +she'd known from childhood and would eat anything on earth. She rode him +up here once and he nabbed a bar of laundry soap off the back porch and +chewed the whole thing down with tears of ecstasy in his eyes and +frothing at the mouth like a mad dog. Well, so Hetty gives mister man a +look of dainty superiority as she flicks crumbs from her white fingers +with my real lace handkerchief, and he stops his hearty laughter and +just stares, and she says what nonsense to think the poor horses don't +like food as well as any one. Them little moments have their effect on a +man in a certain condition. He knew there probably wasn't another horse +in the world would touch that truck, but he couldn't help feeling a +strange new respect for her in addition to that glorious masculine +protection she'd had him wallowing in all day. + +"The ride home, at least on the part of the Non Plush Ultra cut-ups, was +like they had laid a loved one to final rest out there on the lone +mountainside. The handsome stranger and Hetty brought up the rear, +conversing eagerly about themselves and other serious topics. I believe +he give her to understand that he'd been pretty wild at one time in his +life and wasn't any too darned well over it yet, but that some good +womanly woman who would study his ways could still take him and make a +man of him; and her answering that she knew he must have suffered beyond +human endurance in that horrible conflict with his lower nature. He said +he had. + +"Of course the rabid young hoydens up ahead made a feeble effort now and +then to carry it off lightly, and from time to time sang 'My Bonnie Lies +Over the Ocean,' or 'Merrily We Roll Along,' with the high, squeaky +tenor of Roth Hyde sounding above the others very pretty in the +moonlight, but it was poor work as far as these enraged vestals was +concerned. If I'd been Hetty and had got a strange box of candy through +the mail the next week, directed in a disguised woman's hand, I'd of +rushed right off to the police with it, not waiting for any analysis. +And she, poor thing, would get so frightened at bad spots, with the +fierce old horse bobbing about so dangerous, that she just has to be +held on. And once she wrenched her ankle against a horrid old tree on +the trail--she hadn't been able to resist a little one--and bit her +under lip as the spasm of pain passed over her refined features. But she +was all right in a minute and begged Mr. D. not to think of bathing it +in cold water because it was nothing--nothing at all, really now--and he +would embarrass her frightfully if he said one more word about it. And +Mr. D. again remarked that she was feminine to her finger tips, a brave, +game little woman, one of the gamest he ever knew. And pretty soon--what +was she thinking about now? Why, she was merely wondering if horses +think in the true sense of the word or only have animal instinct, as it +is called. And wasn't she a strange, puzzling creature to be thinking on +deep subjects like that at such a time! Yes, she had been called +puzzling as a child, but she didn't like it one bit. She wanted to be +like other girls, if he knew what she meant. He seemed to. + +"They took Hetty home first on account of her poor little ankle and +sung 'Good Night, Ladies,' at the gate. And so ended a day that was +wreck and ruin for most of our sex there present. + +"And to show you what a good, deep, scientific cause I had discovered, +the next night at Hetty's who shows up one by one but these four men +about town, each with a pound of mixed from the Bon Ton Handy Kitchen, +and there they're all setting at the feet of Hetty, as it were, in her +new light summer gown with the blue bows, when Mr. D. blows in with a +two-pound box and the novel in which love conquered all. So excited she +was when she tells me about it next day. The luck of that girl! But +after all it wasn't luck, because she'd laid her foundations the day +before, hadn't she? Always look a little bit back of anything that seems +to be luck, say I. + +"And Hetty with shining eyes entertained one and all with the wit and +sparkle a woman can show only when there's four or five men at her at +once--it's the only time we ever rise to our best. But she got a chance +for a few words alone with Mr. D., who took his hat finally when he sees +the other four was going to set him out; enough words to confide to him +how she loathed this continual social racket to which she was constantly +subjected, with never a let-up so one could get to one's books and to +one's real thoughts. But perhaps he would venture up again some time +next week or the week after--not getting coarse in her work, understand, +even with him flopping around there out on the bank--and he give her one +long, meaning look and said why not to-morrow night, and she carelessly +said that would be charming, she was sure--she didn't think of any +engagement at this minute--and it was ever so nice of him to think of +poor little me. + +"Then she went back and gave the social evening of their life to them +four boys that had stayed. She said she couldn't thank them enough for +coming this evening--which is probably the only time she had told the +truth in thirty-six hours--and they all made merry. Roth Hyde sang +'Sally in Our Alley' so good on the high notes that the Duttons was all +out in the hall listening; and Riley Hardin singing 'Down, Diver, Down, +'Neath the Deep Blue Waves!' and Mac Gordon singing his everlasting +German songs in their native language, and Charlie Dickman singing a new +sentimental one called 'Ain't There at Least One Gentleman Here?' about +a fair young lady dancer being insulted in a gilded café in some large +city; and one and all voted it was a jolly evening and said how about +coming back to-morrow night, but Hetty said no, it was her one evening +for study and she couldn't be bothered with them, which was a plain, +downright so-and-so and well she knew it, because that girl's study was +over for good and all. + +"Well, why string it out? I've give you the facts. And my lands! Will +you look at that clock now? Here's the morning gone and this room still +looking like the inside of a sheep-herder's wagon! Oh, yes, and when +Hetty was up here this time that she wouldn't wear my riding pants +down, she says. 'Not only that, but I'm scrupulously careful in all +ways. Why, I never even allow dear Burchell to observe me in one of +those lace boudoir caps that so many women cover up their hair with when +it's their best feature but they won't take time to do it.' + +"Now was that spoken like a wise woman or like the two-horned Galumpsis +Caladensis of East India, whose habits are little known to man? My Lord! +Won't I ever learn to stop? Where did I put that dusting cloth?" + + + + +VI + +COUSIN EGBERT INTERVENES + + +"It takes all kinds of foreigners to make a world," said Ma +Pettengill--irrelevantly I thought, because the remark seemed to be +inspired merely by the announcement of Sandy Sawtelle that the mule +Jerry's hip had been laid open by a kick from the mule Alice, and that +the bearer of the news had found fourteen stitches needed to mend the +rent. + +Sandy brought his news to the owner of the Arrowhead as she relaxed in +my company on the west veranda of the ranch house and scented the golden +dusk with burning tobacco of an inferior but popular brand. I listened +but idly to the minute details of the catastrophe, discovering more +entertainment in the solemn wake of light a dulled sun was leaving as it +slipped over the sagging rim of Arrowhead Pass. And yet, through my +absorption with the shadows that now played far off among the folded +hills, there did come sharply the impression that this Sawtelle person +was dwelling too insistently upon the precise number of stitches +required by the breach in Jerry's hide. + +"Fourteen--yes, ma'am; fourteen stitches. That there Alice mule sure +needs handling. Fourteen regular ones. I'd certainly show her where to +head in at, like now she was my personal property. Me, I'd abuse her +shamefully. Only eleven I took last time in poor old Jerry; and here now +it's plumb fourteen--yes, ma'am; fourteen good ones. Say, you get +fourteen of them stitches in your hide, and I bet--thought, at first, I +could make twelve do, but it takes full fourteen, with old Jerry nearly +tearing the chute down while I was taking these fourteen--" + +I began to see numbers black against that glowing panorama in the west. +A monstrous 14 repeated itself stubbornly along the gorgeous reach of +it. + +"Yes, ma'am--fourteen; you can go out right now and count 'em yourself. +And like mebbe I'll have to go down to town to-morrow for some more of +that King of Pain Liniment, on account of Lazarus and Bryan getting good +and lamed in this same mix-up, and me letting fall the last bottle we +had on the place and busting her wide open--" + +"Don't you bother to bust any more!" broke in his employer in a tone +that I found crisp with warning. "There's a whole new case of King of +Pain in the storeroom." + +"Huh!" exclaimed the surgeon, ably conveying disappointment thereby. +"And like now if I did go down I could get the new parts for that there +mower--" + +"That's something for me to worry about exclusively. I'll begin when we +got something to mow." There was finished coldness in this. + +"Huh!" The primitive vocable now conveyed a lively resentment, but +there was the pleading of a patient sufferer in what followed. "And like +at the same time, having to make the trip anyway for these here supplies +and things, I could stop just a minute at Doc Martingale's and have this +old tooth of mine took out, that's been achin' like a knife stuck in me +fur the last fourteen--well, fur about a week now--achin' night and +day--no sleep at all now fur seven, eight nights; so painful I get +regular delirious, let me tell you. And, of course, all wore out the way +I am, I won't be any good on the place till my agony's relieved. Why, +what with me suffering so horrible, I just wouldn't hardly know my own +name sometimes if you was to come up and ask me!" + +The woman's tone became more than ever repellent. + +"Never you mind about not knowing your own name. I got it on the pay +roll, and it'll still be there to-morrow if you're helping Buck get out +the rest of them fence posts like I told you. If you happen to get stuck +for your name when I ain't round, and the inquiring parties won't wait, +just ask the Chinaman; he never forgets anything he's learned once. Or +I'll write it out on a card, so you can show it to anybody who rides up +and wants to know it in a hurry!" + +"Huh!" + +The powers of this brief utterance had not yet been exhausted. It now +conveyed despair. With bowed head the speaker dully turned and withdrew +from our presence. As he went I distinctly heard him mutter: + +"Huh! Four-teen! Four-teen! And seven! And twenty-eight!" + +"Say, there!" his callous employer called after him. "Why don't you get +Boogles to embroider that name of yours on the front of your shirt? He'd +adore to do it. And you can still read, can't you, in the midst of your +agonies?" + +There was no response to this taunt. The suffering one faded slowly down +the path to the bunk house and was lost in its blackness. A light shone +out and presently came sombre chords from a guitar, followed by the +voice of Sandy in gloomy song: "There's a broken heart for every light +on Broadway--" + +I was not a little pained to discover this unsuspected vein of cruelty +in a woman I had long admired. And the woman merely became irrelevant +with her apothegm about foreigners. I ignored it. + +"What about that sufferer down there in the bunk house?" I demanded. +"Didn't you ever have toothache?" + +"No; neither did Sandy Sawtelle. He ain't a sufferer; he's just a liar." + +"Why?" + +"So I'll let him go to town and play the number of them stitches on the +wheel. Sure! He'd run a horse to death getting there, make for the back +room of the Turf Club Saloon, where they run games whenever the town +ain't lidded too tight, and play roulette till either him or the game +had to close down. Yes, sir; he'd string his bets along on fourteen and +seven and twenty-eight and thirty-five, and if he didn't make a killing +he'd believe all his life that the wheel was crooked. Stitches in a +mule's hide is his bug. He could stitch up any horse on the place and +never have the least hunch; but let it be a mule--Say! Down there right +now he's thinking about the thousand dollars or so I'm keeping him out +of. I judge from his song that he'd figured on a trip East to New York +City or Denver. At that, I don't know as I blame him. Yes, sir; that's +what reminded me of foreigners and bazaars and vice, and so on--and poor +Egbert Floud." + +My hostess drew about her impressive shoulders a blanket of Indian weave +that dulled the splendours of the western sky, and rolled a slender +cigarette from the tobacco and papers at her side. By the ensuing flame +of a match I saw that her eyes gleamed with the light of pure narration. + +"Foreigners, bazaars, vice, and Egbert Floud?" I murmured, wishing these +to be related more plausibly one to another. + +"I'm coming to it," said the lady; and, after two sustaining inhalations +from the new cigarette, forthwith she did: + + * * * * * + +It was late last winter, while I was still in Red Gap. The talk went +round that we'd ought to have another something for the Belgians. We'd +had a concert, the proceeds of which run up into two figures after all +expenses was paid; but it was felt something more could be +done--something in the nature of a bazaar, where all could get together. +The Mes-dames Henrietta Templeton Price and Judge Ballard were appointed +a committee to do some advance scouting. + +That was where Egbert Floud come in, though after it was all over any +one could see that he was more to be pitied than censured. These +well-known leaders consulted him among others, and Cousin Egbert says +right off that, sure, he'll help 'em get up something if they'll agree +to spend a third of the loot for tobacco for the poor soldiers, because +a Belgian or any one else don't worry so much about going hungry if they +can have a smoke from time to time, and he's been reading about where +tobacco is sorely needed in the trenches. He felt strong about it, +because one time out on the trail he lost all his own and had to smoke +poplar bark or something for two weeks, nearly burning his flues out. + +The two Mes-dames agreed to this, knowing from their menfolk that +tobacco is one of the great human needs, both in war and in peace, and +knowing that Cousin Egbert will be sure to donate handsomely himself, he +always having been the easiest mark in town; so they said they was much +obliged for his timely suggestion and would he think up some novel +feature for the bazaar; and he said he would if he could, and they went +on to other men of influence. + +Henrietta's husband, when he heard the money wouldn't all be spent for +mere food, said he'd put up a choice lot in Price's Addition to be +raffled off--a lot that would at some future date be worth five thousand +dollars of anybody's money, and that was all right; and some of the +merchants come through liberal with articles of use and adornment to be +took chances on. + +Even old Proctor Knapp, the richest man in town, actually give up +something after they pestered him for an hour. He owns the People's +Traction Company and he turned over a dollar's worth of street-car +tickets to be raffled for, though saying he regarded gambling as a very +objectionable and uncertain vice, and a person shouldn't go into +anything without being sure they was dead certain to make something out +of it, war or no war, he knowing all about it. Why wouldn't he, having +started life as a poor, ragged boy and working his way up to where +parties that know him is always very careful indeed when they do any +business with him? + +Some of the ladies they consulted was hostile about the tobacco end of +it. Mrs. Tracy Bangs said that no victim of the weed could keep up his +mentality, and that she, for one, would rather see her Tracy lying in +his casket than smoking vile tobacco that would destroy his intellect +and make him a loathsome object in the home. She said she knew perfectly +well that if the countries at war had picked their soldiers from +non-smokers it would have been all over in just a few days--and didn't +that show you that the tobacco demon was as bad as the rum demon? + +Mrs. Leonard Wales was not only bitter about tobacco but about any help +at all. She said our hard storms of that winter had been caused by the +general hatred in Europe which created evil waves of malignity; so let +'em shoot each other till they got sense enough to dwell together in +love and amity--only we shouldn't prolong the war by sending 'em soup +and cigarettes, and so on. Her idea seemed to be that if Red Gap would +just stand firm in the matter the war would die a natural death. Still, +if a bazaar was really going to be held, she would consent to pose in a +tableau if they insisted on it, and mebbe she could thus inject into the +evil atmosphere of Europe some of the peace and good will that sets the +United States apart from other nations. + +Trust Cora Wales not to overlook a bet like that. She's a tall, +sandy-haired party, with very extravagant contours, and the thing she +loves best on earth is to get under a pasteboard crown, with gilt stars +on it, and drape herself in the flag of her country, with one fat arm +bare, while Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, and the rest +is gathered about and looking up to her for protection. Mebbe she don't +look so bad as the Goddess of Liberty on a float in the middle of one of +our wide streets when the Chamber of Commerce is giving a Greater Red +Gap pageant; but take her in a hall, where you set close up to the +platform, and she looks more like our boasted liberty has degenerated +into license, or something like that. Anyway, the committee had to +promise her she could do something in her flag and crown and talcum +powder, because they knew she'd knock the show if they didn't. + +This reminded 'em they had to have a program of entertainment; so they +got me on the committee with the other Mes-dames to think up things, me +always being an easy mark. I find out right off that we're a lot of +foreigners and you got to be darned careful not to hurt anybody's +feelings. Little Bertha Lehman's pa would let her be a state--Colorado +or Nebraska, or something--but he wouldn't let her sing unless it would +be a German song in the original; and Hobbs, the English baker, said his +Tillie would have to sing "Britannia Rules the Waves," or nothing; and +two or three others said what they would and wouldn't do, and it looked +like Red Gap itself was going to be dug up into trenches. I had to get +little Magnesia Waterman, daughter of the coons that work in the U.S. +Grill, to do the main singing. She seemed to be about the only American +child soprano we had. She sings right well for a kid, mostly these sad +songs about heaven; but we picked out a good live one for her that +seemed to be neutral. + +It was delicate work, let me tell you, turning down folks that wanted to +sing patriotic songs or recite war poetry that would be sure to start +something, with Professor Gluckstein wishing to get up and tell how the +cowardly British had left the crew of a German submarine to perish after +shooting it up when it was only trying to sink their cruiser by fair +and lawful methods; and Henry Lehman wanting to read a piece from a +German newspaper about how the United States was a nation of vile +money-grubbers that would sell ammunition to the enemy just because they +had the ships to take it away, and wouldn't sell a dollar's worth to the +Fatherland, showing we had been bought up by British gold--and so on. + +But I kept neutral. I even turned down an Englishman named Ruggles, that +keeps the U.S. Grill and is well thought of, though he swore that all he +would do was to get off a few comical riddles, and such. He'd just got a +new one that goes: "Why is an elephant like a corkscrew? Because there's +a 'b' in both." I didn't see it at first, till he explained with hearty +laughter--because there's a "b" in both--the word "both." See? Of course +there's no sense to it. He admitted there wasn't, but said it was a +jolly wheeze just the same. I might have took a chance with him, but he +went on to say that he'd sent this wheeze to the brave lads in the +trenches, along with a lot of cigars and tobacco, and had got about +fifty postcards from 'em saying it was the funniest thing they'd heard +since the war begun. And in a minute more he was explaining, with much +feeling, just what low-down nation it was that started the war--it not +being England, by any means--and I saw he wasn't to be trusted on his +feet. + +So I smoothed him down till he promised to donate all the lemonade for +Aggie Tuttle, who was to be Rebekkah at the Well; and I smoothed Henry +Lehman till he said he'd let his folks come and buy chances on things, +even if the country was getting overrun by foreigners, with an Italian +barber shop just opened in the same block with his sanitary shaving +parlour; though--thank goodness--the Italian hadn't had much to do yet +but play on a mandolin. And I smoothed Professor Gluckstein down till he +agreed to furnish the music for us and let the war take care of itself. + +The Prof's a good old scout when he ain't got his war bonnet on. He was +darned near crying into his meerschaum pipe with a carved fat lady on it +when I got through telling him about the poor soldiers in the wet and +cold without a thing to smoke. He says: "You're right, madam; with Jake +Frost in the trenches and no tobacco, all men should be brothers under +their hides." And I got that printed in the _Recorder_ for a slogan, and +other foreigners come into line; and things looked pretty good. + +Also, I got Doc Sulloway, who happened to be in town, to promise he'd +come and tell some funny anecdotes. He ain't a regular doctor--he just +took it up; a guy with long black curls and a big moustache and a big +hat and diamond pin, that goes round selling Indian Snake Oil off a +wagon. Doc said he'd have his musician, Ed Bemis, come, too. He said Ed +was known far and wide as the world's challenge cornetist. I says all +right, if he'll play something neutral; and Doc says he'll play "Listen +to the Mocking Bird," with variations, and play it so swell you'll +think you're perched right up in the treetops listening to Nature's own +feathered songsters. + +That about made up my show, including, of course, the Spanish dance by +Beryl Mae Macomber. Red Gap always expects that and Beryl Mae never +disappoints 'em--makes no difference what the occasion is. Mebbe it's an +Evening with Shakespeare, or the Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers, or that +Oratorio by Elijah somebody, but Beryl Mae is right there with her +girlish young beauty and her tambourine. You see, I didn't want it a +long show--just enough to make the two-bits admission seem a little +short of robbery. Our real graft, of course, was to be where the young +society débutantes and heiresses in charge of the booths would wheedle +money out of the dazed throng for chances on the junk that would be +donated. + +[Illustration: "ALL SUNNED UP LIKE A MAN THAT KNOWS THE WORLD IS HIS +OYSTER AND EVERY MONTH'S GOT AN 'R' IN IT"] + +Well, about three days before the show I went up to Masonic Hall to see +about the stage decorations, and I was waiting while some one went down +to the Turf Exchange to get the key off Tim Mahoney, the janitor--Tim +had lately had to do janitor work for a B'nai B'rith lodge that was +holding meetings there, and it had made him gloomy and dissolute--and, +while I was waiting, who should come tripping along but Egbert Floud, +all sunned up like a man that knows the world is his oyster and every +month's got an "r" in it. Usually he's a kind of sad, meek coot, looking +neglected and put upon; but now he was actually giggling to himself +as he come up the stairs two at a time. + +"Well, Old-Timer, what has took the droop out of your face?" I ask him. + +"Why," he says, twinkling all over the place, "I'm aiming to keep it a +secret, but I don't mind hinting to an old friend that my part of the +evening's entertainment is going to be so good it'll make the whole show +top-heavy. Them ladies said they'd rely on me to think up something +novel, and I said I would if I could, and I did--that's all. I'd seen +enough of these shows where you ladies pike along with pincushions and +fancy lemonade and infants' wear--and mebbe a red plush chair, with gold +legs, that plays 'Alice, Where Art Thou?' when a person sets down on +it--with little girls speaking a few pieces about the flowers and lambs, +and so on, and cleaning up about eleven-twenty-nine on the evening's +revel--or it would be that, only you find you forgot to pay the Golden +Rule Cash Store for the red-and-blue bunting, and they're howling for +their money like a wild-cat. Yes, sir; that's been the way of it with +woman at the helium. I wouldn't wish to be a Belgian at all under +present circumstances; but if I did have to be one I'd hate to think my +regular meals was depending on any crooked work you ladies has done up +to date." + +"You'd cheer me strangely," I says, "only I been a diligent reader of +history, and somehow I can't just recall your name being connected up +with any cataclysms of finance. I don't remember you ever starting one +of these here panics--or stopping one, for that matter. I did hear that +you'd had your pocket picked down to the San Francisco Fair." + +I was prodding him along, understand, so he'd flare up and tell me what +his secret enterprise was that would make women's operations look silly +and feminine. I seen his eyes kind of glisten when I said this about him +being touched. + +"That's right," he says. "Some lad nicked me for my roll and my return +ticket, and my gold watch and chain, and my horseshoe scarfpin with the +diamonds in it." + +"You stood a lot of pawing over," I says, "for a man that's the keen +financial genius you tell about being. This lad must of been a new hand +at it. Likely he'd took lessons from a correspondence school. At least, +with you standing tied and blinded that way, a good professional one +would have tried for your gold tooth--or, anyway, your collar button. I +see your secret though," I go on as sarcastically as possible: "You got +the lad's address and you're going to have him here Saturday night to +glide among the throng and ply his evil trade. Am I right or wrong?" + +"You are not," he says. "I never thought of that. But I won't say you +ain't warm in your guess. Yes, you certainly are warm, because what I'm +going to do is just as dastardly, without being so darned illegal, +except to an extent." + +Well, it was very exasperating, but that was all I could get out of +him. When I ask for details he just clams up. + +"But, mark my words," says the old smarty, "I'll show you it takes +brains in addition to woman's wiles and artwork to make a decent +clean-up in this little one-cylinder town." + +"If you just had a little more self-confidence," I says, "you might of +gone to the top; lack of faith in yourself is all that's kept you back. +Too bad!" + +"All right for you to kid me," he says; "but I'd be almost willing to +give you two dollars for every dollar that goes out of this hall +Saturday night." + +Well, it was kind of pathetic and disgusting the way this poor old dub +was leaning on his certainty; so I let him alone and went on about my +work, thinking mebbe he really had framed up something crooked that +would bring at least a few dollars to the cause. + +Every time I met him for the next three days after that he'd be so +puffed up, like a toad, with importance and low remarks about woman +that, at last, I just ignored him, pretending I hadn't the least +curiosity about his evil secret. It hurt his feelings when I quit +pestering him about it, but he'd been outraging mine right along; so we +split even. + +He'd had a good-sized room just down the hall turned over to him, and a +lot of stuff of some kind carried in there in the night, and men +working, with the door locked all the time; so I and the other ladies +went calmly on about our own business, decorating the main hall with +the flags of all nations, fixing up the platform and the booths very +pretty, and giving Mr. Smarty Egbert Floud nothing but haughty glances +about his hidden novelty. Even when his men was hammering away in there +at their work he'd have something hung over the keyhole--as insulting to +us as only a man can be. + +Saturday night come and we had a good crowd. Cousin Egbert was after me +the minute I got my things off to come and see his dastardly secret; but +I had my revenge. I told him I had no curiosity about it and was going +to be awful busy with my show, but I'd try as a personal favour to give +him a look over before I went home. Yes, sir; I just turned him down +with one superior look, and got my curtains slid back on Mrs. Leonard +Wales, dressed up like a superdreadnought in a naval parade and +surrounded by every little girl in town that had a white dress. They +wasn't states this time, but Columbia's Choicest Heritage, with a second +line on the program saying, "Future Buds and Débutantes From Society's +Home Galleries." It was a line we found under some babies' photos on the +society page of a great newspaper printed in New York City. Professor +Gluckstein and his son Rudolph played the "Star-Spangled Banner" on the +piano and fiddle during this feature. + +Then little Magnesia Waterman, dressed to represent the Queen of Sheba, +come forward and sung the song we'd picked out for her, with the people +joining in the chorus: + + We're for you, Woodrow Wilson, + One Hundred Million Strong! + We put you in the White House + And we know you can't do wrong. + +It was very successful, barring hisses from all the Germans and English +present; but they was soon hushed up. Then Doc Sulloway come out and +told some funny anecdotes about two Irishmen named Pat and Mike, lately +landed in this country and looking for work, and imitated two cats in a +backyard, and drawing a glass of soda water, and sawing a plank in two; +and winding up with the announcement that he had donated a dozen bottles +of the great Indian Snake Oil Remedy for man and beast that had been +imparted to him in secret by old Rumpatunk, the celebrated medicine man, +who is supposed to have had it from the Great Spirit; and Ed Bemis, the +World's Challenge Cornetist, entertained one and all; and Beryl Mae done +her Spanish dance that I'd last seen her give at the Queen Esther +Cantata in the M.E. Church. And that was the end of the show; just +enough to start 'em buying things at the booths. + +At least, we thought it would be. But what does a lot of the crowd do, +after looking round a little, but drift out into the hall and down to +this room where Cousin Egbert had his foul enterprise, whatever it was. +I didn't know yet, having held aloof, as you might say, owing to the old +hound's offensive manner. But I had heard three or four parties kind of +gasping to each other, had they seen what that Egbert Floud was doing in +the other room?--with looks of horror and delight on their faces. That +made me feel more superior than ever to the old smarty; so I didn't go +near the place yet, but herded people back to the raffles wherever I +could. + +The first thing was Lon Price's corner lot, for which a hundred chances +had been sold. Lon had a blueprint showing the very lot; also a picture +of a choice dwelling or bungalow, like the one he has painted on the +drop curtain of Knapp's Opera House, under the line, "Price's Addition +to Red Gap; Big Lots, Little Payments." It's a very fancy house with +porches and bay windows and towers and front steps, and everything, +painted blue and green and yellow; and a blond lady in a purple gown, +with two golden-haired tots at her side, is waving good-bye to a tall, +handsome man with brown whiskers as he hurries out to the waiting street +car--though the car line ain't built out there yet by any means. + +However, Lon got up and said it was a Paradise on earth, a Heaven of +Homes; that in future he would sell lots there to any native Belgian at +a 20 per cent. discount; and he hoped the lucky winner of this lot would +at once erect a handsome and commodious mansion on it, such as the +artist had here depicted; and it would be only nine blocks from the +swell little Carnegie Library when that, also, had been built, the +plans for it now being in his office safe. + +Quite a few of the crowd had stayed for this, and they cheered Lon and +voted that little Magnesia Waterman was honest enough to draw the +numbers out of a hat. They was then drawn and read by Lon in an exciting +silence--except for Mrs. Leonard Wales, who was breathing heavily and +talking to herself after each number. She and Leonard had took a chance +for a dollar and everybody there knew it by now. She was dead sure they +would get the lot. She kept telling people so, right and left. She said +they was bound to get it if the drawing was honest. As near as I could +make out, she'd been taking a course of lessons from a professor in +Chicago about how to control your destiny by the psychic force that +dwells within you. It seems all you got to do is to will things to come +your way and they have to come. No way out of it. You step on this here +psychic gas and get what you ask for. + +"I already see our little home," says Mrs. Wales in a hoarse whisper. "I +see it objectively. It is mine. I claim it out of the boundless +all-good. I have put myself in the correct mental attitude of reception; +I am holding to the perfect All. My own will come to me." + +And so on, till parties round her begun to get nervous. Yes, sir; she +kept this stuff going in low, tense tones till she had every one in +hearing buffaloed; they was ready to give her the lot right there and +tear up their own tickets. She was like a crapshooter when he keeps +calling to the dice: "Come, seven--come on, come on!" All right for the +psychics, but that's what she reminded me of. + +And in just another minute everybody there thought she'd cheated by +taking these here lessons that she got from Chicago for twelve dollars; +for you can believe it or not but her number won the lot. Yes, sir; +thirty-three took the deed and Lon filled in her name on it right there. +Many a cold look was shot at her as she rushed over to embrace her +husband, a big lump of a man that's all right as far up as his Adam's +apple, and has been clerking in the Owl Cigar Store ever since he can +remember. He tells her she is certainly a wonder and she calls him a +silly boy; says it's just a power she has developed through +concentration, and now she must claim from the all-good a dear little +home of seven rooms and bath, to be built on this lot; and she knows it +will come if she goes into the silence and demands it. Say! People with +any valuables on 'em begun to edge off, not knowing just how this +strange power of hers might work. + +Then I look round and see the other booths ain't creating near the +excitement they had ought to be, only a few here and there taking +two-bit chances on things if Mrs. Wales ain't going in on 'em, too; +several of the most attractive booths was plumb deserted, with the girls +in charge looking mad or chagrined, as you might say. So I remember this +hidden evil of Egbert Floud's and that the crowd has gone there; and +while I'm deciding to give in and gratify my morbid curiosity, here +comes Cousin Egbert himself, romping along in his dinner-jacket suit and +tan shoes, like a wild mustang. + +"What was I telling you?" he demands. "Didn't I tell you the rest of +this show was going to die standing up? Yes, sir; she's going to pass +out on her feet." And he waved a sneering arm round at the deserted +booths. "What does parties want of this truck when they can come down to +my joint and get real entertainment for their money? Why, they're +breaking their ankles now to get in there!" + +It sure looked like he was right for once in his life; so I says: + +"What is it you've done?" + +"Simple enough," says he, "to a thinking man. It comes to me like a +flash or inspiration, or something, from being down to that fair in San +Francisco, California. Yes, sir; they had a deadfall there, with every +kind of vice rampant that has ever been legalized any place, and several +kinds that ain't ever been; they done everything, from strong-arm work +to short changing, and they was getting by with it by reason of calling +it Ye Olde Tyme Mining Camp of '49, or something poetical like that. +That was where I got nicked for my roll, in addition to about fifty I +lost at a crooked wheel. I think the workers was mostly ex-convicts, and +not so darned ex- at that. Anyway, their stuff got too raw even for the +managers of an exposition, so they had to close down in spite of their +name. That's where I get my idee when these ladies said think up +something novel and pleasing. Just come and see how I'm taking it off of +'em." And, with that, he grabs me by the arm and rushes me down to this +joint of his. + +At the side of the doorway he had two signs stuck up. One says, Ye Olde +Tyme Saloone; and the other says, Ye Olde Tyme Gambling Denne. You could +of pushed me over with one finger when I looked in. He'd drew the crowd, +all right. I knew then that Aggie Tuttle might just as well close down +her Rebekkah-at-the-Well dive, and that no one was going to take any +more chances on pincushions and tidies and knitted bed slippers. + +About a third of the crowd was edged up to the bar and keeping Louis +Meyer and his father busy with drink orders, and the other two-thirds +was huddled round a roulette layout across the room. They was wedged in +so tight I couldn't see the table, but I could hear the little ball +click when it slowed up, and the rattle of chips, and squeals from them +that won, and hoarse mutters from the losers. + +Cousin Egbert rubbed his hands and giggled, waiting for me to bedeck him +with floral tributes. + +"I suppose you got a crooked wheel," I says. + +"Shucks, no!" says he. "I did think of it, but I'd of had to send out of +town for one and they're a lot of trouble to put in, what with the +electric wiring and all; and besides, the straightest roulette wheel +ever made is crooked enough for any man of decent instincts. I don't +begrudge 'em a little excitement for their money. I got these old bar +fixings out of the Spilmer place that was being tore down, and we're +charging two bits a drink for whatever, and that'll be a help; and it +looks to me like you ladies would of thought you needed a man's brain in +these shows long before this. Come on in and have a shot. I'll buy." + +So we squeezed in and had one. It was an old-time saloon, all +right--that is, fairly old; about 1889, with a brass foot rail, and back +of the bar a stuffed eagle and a cash register. A gang of ladies was +taking claret lemonades and saying how delightfully Bohemian it all was; +and Miss Metta Bigler, that gives lessons in oil painting and burnt +wood, said it brought back very forcibly to her the Latin Quarter of +Chicago, where she finished her art course. Henrietta Templeton Price, +with one foot on the railing, was shaking dice with three other +prominent society matrons for the next round, and saying she had always +been a Bohemian at heart, only you couldn't go very far in a small town +like this without causing unfavourable comment among a certain element. + +It was a merry scene, with the cash register playing like the Swiss +Family Bellringers. Even the new Episcopalian minister come along, with +old Proctor Knapp, and read the signs and said they was undeniably +quaint, and took a slug of rye and said it was undeniably delightful; +though old Proctor roared like a maddened bull when he found what the +price was. I guess you can be an Episcopalian one without its +interfering much with man's natural habits and innocent recreations. +Then he went over and lost a two-bit piece on the double-o, and laughed +heartily over the occurrence, saying it was undeniably piquant with old +Proctor plunging ten cents on the red and losing it quick, and saying a +fool and his money was soon parted--yes, and I wish I had as much money +as that old crook ain't foolish; but no matter. + +Beryl Mae Macomber was aiding the Belgians by running out in the big +room to drum up the stragglers. She was now being Little Nugget, the +Miners' Pet; and when she wasn't chasing in easy money she'd loll at one +end of the bar with a leer on her flowerlike features to entice honest +workingmen in to lose their all at the gaming tables. There was +chuck-a-luck and a crap game going, and going every minute, too, with +Cousin Egbert trying to start three-card monte at another table--only +they all seemed wise to that. Even the little innocent children give him +the laugh. + +I went over to the roulette table and lost a few dollars, not being able +to stick long, because other women would keep goring me with their +elbows. Yes, sir; that layout was ringed with women four deep. All that +the men could do was stand on the outside and pass over their loose +silver to the fair ones. Sure! Women are the only real natural-born +gamblers in the world. Take a man that seems to be one and it's only +because he's got a big streak of woman in him, even if it don't show any +other way. Men, of course, will gamble for the fun of it; but it ain't +ever funny to a woman, not even when she wins. It brings out the natural +wolf in her like nothing else does. It was being proved this night all +you'd want to see anything proved. If the men got near enough and won a +bet they'd think it was a good joke and stick round till they lost it. +Not so my own sex. Every last one of 'em saw herself growing rich on +Cousin Egbert's money--and let the Belgians look out for themselves. + +Mrs. Tracy Bangs, for instance, fought her way out of the mob, looking +as wild as any person in a crazy house, choking twenty-eight dollars to +death in her two fists that she win off two bits. She crowds this onto +Tracy and makes him swear by the sacred memory of his mother that he +will positively not give her back a cent of it to gamble with if the +fever comes on her again--not even if she begs him to on her bended +knees. And fifteen minutes later the poor little shark nearly has +hysterics because Tracy won't give her back just five of it to gamble +again with. Sure! A very feminine woman she is. + +Tracy is a pretty good little sport himself. He says, No, and that'll be +all, please, not only on account of the sacred memory of his mother but +because the poor Belgians has got to catch it going if they don't catch +it coming; and he's beat it out to a booth and bought the +twenty-five-dollar gold clock with chimes, with the other three dollars +going for the dozen bottles of Snake Oil and the twenty street-car +tickets. + +And now let there be no further words about it, but there was when she +hears this horrible disclosure--lots of words, and the brute won't even +give her the street-car tickets, which she could play in for a dollar, +and she has to go to the retiring room to bathe her temples, and treats +Tracy all the rest of the evening like a crippled stepchild, thinking of +all she could of won if he hadn't acted like a snake in the grass toward +her! + +Right after this Mrs. Leonard Wales, in her flag and powder, begun to +stick up out of the scene, though not risking any money as yet. She'd +just stand there like one petrified while cash was being paid in and +out, keeping away about three women of regular size that would like to +get their silver down. I caught the gleam in her eye, and the way she +drawed in her breath when the lucky number was called out, kind of +shrinking her upper lip every time in a bloodthirsty manner. Yes, sir; +in the presence of actual money that dame reminded me of the great +saber-toothed tiger that you see terrible pictures of in the animal +books. + +Pretty soon she mowed down a lot of her sister gamblers and got out to +where Leonard was standing, to tell him all about how she'd have won a +lot of money if she'd only put some chips down at the right time, the +way she would of done if she'd had any; and Leonard said what a shame! +And they drifted into a corner, talking low. I bet she was asking him if +she couldn't make a claim to these here bets she'd won in her mind, and +if this wasn't the magic time to get the little home or bungalow on the +new lot she'd won by finding out from the Chicago professor how to mould +her destiny. + +Then I lose track of the two for a minute, because Judge Ballard comes +in escorting his sister from South Carolina, that's visiting them, and +invites every one to take something in her honour. She was a frail +little old lady, very old-fashioned indeed, with white hair built up in +a waterfall and curls over both ears, and a flowered silk dress that I +bet was made in Civil War times, and black lace mitts. Say! She looked +like one of the ladies that would of been setting in the front of a box +at Ford's Theatre the night President Lincoln was shot up! + +She seemed a mite rattled when she found herself in a common barroom, +having failed to read Cousin Egbert's undeniably quaint signs; but the +Judge introduced her to some that hadn't met her yet, and when he asked +her what her refreshment would be she said in a very brazen way that she +would take a drop of anisette cordial. Louis Meyer says they ain't +keeping that, and she says, Oh, dear! she's too old-fashioned! So Cousin +Egbert says, why, then she should take an old-fashioned cocktail, which +she does and sips it with no sign of relish. Then she says she will +help the cause by wagering a coin on yonder game of chance. + +The Judge paws out a place for her and I go along to watch. She pries +open a bead reticule that my mother had one like and gets out a knitted +silk purse, and takes a five-dollar gold piece into her little bony +white fingers and drops it on a number, and says: "Now that is well +over!" But it wasn't over. There was excitement right off, because, +outside of some silver dollars I'd lost myself, I hadn't seen anything +bigger than a two-bit piece played there that night. Right over my +shoulder I heard heavy breathing and I didn't have to turn round to know +it was Cora Wales. When the ball slowed up she quit breathing entirely +till it settled. + +It must of been a horrible strain on her, for the man was raking in all +the little bets and leaving the five-dollar one that win. Say! That +woman gripped an arm of mine till I thought it was caught in machinery +of some kind! And Mrs. Doc Martingale, that she gripped on the other +side, let out a yell of agony. But that wasn't the worst of Cora Wales' +torture. No, sir! She had to stand there and watch this little +old-fashioned sport from South Carolina refuse the money! + +"But I can't accept it from you good people," says she in her thin +little voice. "I intended to help the cause of those poor sufferers, and +to profit by the mere inadvertence of your toy there would be +unspeakable--really no!" + +And she pushed back the five and the hundred and seventy-five that the +dealer had counted out for her, dusted her little fingers with a little +lace handkerchief smelling of lavender, and asked the Judge to show her +a game that wasn't so noisy. + +I guess Cora Wales was lost from that moment. She had Len over in a +corner again, telling him how easy it was to win, and how this poor +demented creature had left all hers there because Judge Ballard probably +didn't want to create a scene by making her take it; and mustn't they +have a lot of trouble looking after the weak-minded thing all the time! +And I could hear her say if one person could do it another could, +especially if they had learned how to get in tune with the Infinite. Len +says all right, how much does she want to risk? And that scares her +plumb stiff again, in spite of her uncanny powers. She says it wouldn't +be right to risk one cent unless she could be sure the number was going +to win. + +Of course if you made your claim on the Universal, your own was bound to +come to you; still, you couldn't be so sure as you ought to be with a +roulette wheel, because several times the ball had gone into numbers +that she wasn't holding for with her psychic grip, and the uncertainty +was killing her; and why didn't he say something to help her, instead of +standing there silent and letting their little home slip from her grasp? + +Cousin Egbert comes up just then, still happy and puffed up; so I put +him wise to this Wales conspiracy against his game. + +"Mebbe you can win back that lot from her," I says, "and raffle it over +again for the fund. She's getting worked up to where she'll take a +chance." + +"Good work!" says he. "I'll approach her in the matter." + +So over he goes and tries to interest her in the dice games; but no, she +thinks dice is low and a mere coloured person's game. So then he says to +set down to the card table and play this here Canfield solitaire; she's +to be paid five dollars for every card she gets up and a whole thousand +if she gets 'em all up. That listens good to her till she finds she has +to give fifty-two dollars for the deck first. She says she knew there +must be some catch about it. Still, she tries out a couple of deals just +to see what would happen, and on the first she would have won thirteen +dollars and on the second eight dollars. She figures then that by all +moral rights Cousin Egbert owes her twenty-one dollars, and at least +eight dollars to a certainty, because she was really playing for money +the second time and merely forgot to mention it to him. + +And while they sort of squabble about this, with Cousin Egbert very +pig-headed or adamant, who should come in but this Sandy Sawtelle, +that's now sobbing out his heart in song down there; and with him is +Buck Devine. It seems they been looking for a game, and they give +squeals of joy when they see this one. In just two minutes Sandy is +collecting thirty-five dollars for one that he had carefully placed on +No. 11. He gives a glad shout at this, and Leonard Wales and lady move +over to see what it's all about. Sandy is neatly stacking his red chips +and plays No. 11 once more, but No. 22 comes up. + +"Gee!" says Sandy. "I forgot. Twenty-two, of course, and likewise +thirty-three." + +So he now puts dollar bets on all three numbers, and after a couple more +turns he's collecting on 33, and the next time 22 comes again. He don't +hardly have time to stack his chips, they come so fast; and then it's +No. 11 once more, amid rising excitement from all present. Cora Wales is +panting like the Dying Gamekeeper I once saw in the Eden Musée in New +York City. Sandy quits now for a moment. + +"Let every man, woman, and child, come one, come all, across the room +and crook the convivial elbow on my ill-gotten gains!" he calls out. + +So everybody orders something; Tim Mahoney going in behind the bar to +help out. Even Cora Wales come over when she understood no expense was +attached to so doing, though taking a plain lemonade, because she said +alcohol would get one's vibrations all fussed up, or something like +that. + +Cousin Egbert was still chipper after this reverse, though it had swept +away about all he was to the good up to that time. + +"Three rousing cheers!" says he. "And remember the little ball still +rolls for any sport that thinks he can Dutch up the game!" + +While this drink is going on amid the general glad feeling that always +prevails when some spendthrift has ordered for the house, Leonard Wales +gets Buck Devine to one side and says how did Sandy do it? So Buck tells +him and Cora that Sandy took eleven stitches in Jerry's hide yesterday +afternoon and he was playing this hunch, which he had reason to feel was +a first-class one. + +"If I could only feel it was a cosmic certainty--" says Cora. + +"Oh, she's cosmic, all right!" says Buck. "I never seen anything +cosmicker. Look what she's done already, and Sandy only begun! Just +watch him! He'll cosmic this here game to a standstill. He'll have Sour +Dough there touching him for two-bits breakfast money--see if he don't." + +"But eleven came only twice," says the conservative Cora. + +"Sure! But did you notice Nos. 22 and 33?" says Buck. "You got to humour +any good hunch to a certain extent, cosmic or no cosmic." + +"I see," says Cora with gleaming eyes; "and No. 33 is not only what drew +our beautiful building lot but it is also the precise number of my years +on the earth plane." + +Cousin Egbert overheard this and snorted like no gentleman had ought to, +even in the lowest gambling den. + +"Thirty-three!" says he to me. "Did you hear the big cheat? Say! No +gambling house on earth would have the nerve to put her right age on a +wheel! The chances is ruinous enough now without running 'em up to +forty-eight or so. I bet that's about what you'd find if you was to +tooth her." + +Sandy has now gone back, followed by the crowd, and wins another bet on +No. 11. This is too much for Cora's Standard Oil instincts. She never +trusts Leonard with any money, but she goes over into a corner, hikes +the flag of her country up over one red stocking for a minute, and comes +back with a two-dollar bill, which she splits on 22 and 33; and when 33 +wins she's mad clean through because 22 didn't also win, and she's +wasted a whole dollar, like throwing it into the Atlantic Ocean. + +"Too bad, Pettie!" says Leonard, who was crowded in by her. "But you +mustn't expect to have all the luck"--which is about the height of +Leonard's mental reach. + +"It was not luck; it was simple lack of faith," says Cora. "I put myself +in tune with the Infinite and make my claim upon the all-good--and then +I waver. The loss of that dollar was a punishment to me." + +Now she stakes a dollar on No. 33 alone, and when it comes double-o she +cries out that the man had leaned his hand on the edge of the table +while the ball was rolling and thereby mushed up her cosmic vibrations, +even if he didn't do something a good deal more crooked. Then she +switches to No. 22, and that wins. + +She now gets suspicious of the chips and has 'em turned into real +money, which she stuffs into her consort's pockets for the time being, +all but two dollars that go on Nos. 11 and 33. And No. 22 comes up +again. She nearly fainted and didn't recover in time to get anything +down for the next roll--and I'm darned if 11 don't show! She turns +savagely on her husband at this. The poor hulk only says: + +"But, Pettie, you're playing the game--I ain't." + +She replies bitterly: + +"Oh, ain't that just like a man! I knew you were going to say +that!"--and seemed to think she had him well licked. + +Then the single-o come. She says: + +"Oh, dear! It seems that, even with the higher consciousness, one can't +be always certain of one's numbers at this dreadful game." + +And while she was further reproaching her husband, taking time to do it +good and keeping one very damp dollar safe in her hand, what comes up +but old 33 again! + +It looked like hysterics then, especially when she noticed Buck Devine +helping pile Sandy's chips up in front of him till they looked like a +great old English castle, with towers and minarets, and so on, Sandy +having played his hunch strong and steady. She waited for another turn +that come nothing important to any of 'em; then she drew Leonard out and +made him take her for a glass of lemonade out where Aggie Tuttle was +being Rebekkah at the Well, because they charged two bits for it at the +bar and Aggie's was only a dime. The sale made forty cents Aggie had +took in on the evening. + +Racing back to Ye Olde Tyme Gambling Denne, she gets another hard blow; +for Sandy has not only win another of his magic numbers but has bought +up the bar for the evening, inviting all hands to brim a cup at his +expense, whenever they crave it--nobody's money good but his; so Cora is +not only out what she would of made by following his play but the ten +cents cash she has paid Aggie Tuttle. She was not a woman to be trifled +with then. She took another lemonade because it was free, and made Len +take one that he didn't want. Then she draws three dollars from him and +covers the three numbers with reckless and noble sweeps of her powerful +arms. The game was on again. + +Cousin Egbert by now was looking slightly disturbed, or _outré_, as the +French put it, but tries to conceal same under an air of sparkling +gayety, laughing freely at every little thing in a girlish or painful +manner. + +"Yes," says he coquettishly; "that Sandy scoundrel is taking it fast out +of one pocket, but he's putting it right back into the other. The +wheel's loss is the bar's gain." + +I looked over to size Sandy's chips and I could see four or five markers +that go a hundred apiece. + +"I admire your roguish manner that don't fool any one," I says; "but if +we was to drink the half of Sandy's winnings, even at your robber +prices, we'd all be submerged to the periscope. It looks to me," I goes +on, "like the bazaar-robbing genius is not exclusively a male attribute +or tendency." + +"How many of them knitted crawdabs you sold out there at your booths?" +he demands. "Not enough to buy a single Belgian a T-bone steak and fried +potatoes." + +"Is that so, indeed?" I says. "Excuse me a minute. Standing here in the +blinding light of your triumph, I forgot a little matter of detail such +as our sex is always wasting its energies on." + +So I call Sandy and Buck away from their Belgian atrocities and speak +sharply to 'em. + +"You boys ought to be ashamed of yourselves," I says--"winning all that +money and then acting like old Gaspard the Miser in the Chimes of +Normandy! Can't you forget your natural avarice and loosen up some?" + +"I bought the bar, didn't I?" asks Sandy. "I can't do no more, can I?" + +"You can," I says. "Out in that big room is about eighteen tired maids +and matrons of Red Gap's most exclusive inner circles yawning their +heads off over goods, wares, and merchandise that no one will look at +while this sinful game is running. If you got a spark of manhood in you +go on out and trade a little with 'em, just to take the curse off your +depredations in here." + +"Why, sure!" says Sandy. He goes back to the layout and loads Buck's +hat full of red and blue chips at one and two dollars each. "Go buy the +place clean," he says to Buck. "Do it good; don't leave a single object +of use or luxury. My instructions is sweeping, understand. And if +there's a harness booth there you order a solid gold collar for old +Jerry, heavily incrusted with jewels and his initials and mine +surrounded by a wreath. Also, send out a pint of wine for every one of +these here maids and matrons. Meantime, I shall stick here and keep an +eye on my large financial interests." + +So Buck romps off on his joyous mission, singing a little ballad that +goes: "To hell with the man that works!" And Sandy moves quickly back to +the wheel. + +I followed and found Cora barely surviving because she's lost nine of +her three-dollar bets while Sandy was away, leaving her only about a +hundred winner. Len was telling her to "be brave, Pettie!" and she was +saying it was entirely his fault that they hadn't already got their neat +little home; but she would have it before she left the place or know the +reason why. + +It just did seem as if them three numbers had been resting while Sandy +was away talking to me. They begin to show up again the minute he +resumed his bets, and Cora was crowding onto the same with a rising +temperature. Yes, sir, it seemed downright uncanny or miraculous the way +one or the other of 'em showed up, with Sandy saying it was a shame to +take the money, and Cora saying it was a shame she had to bet on all +three numbers and get paid only on one. + +Of course others was also crowding these numbers, though not so many as +you'd think, because every one said the run must be at an end, and +they'd be a fool to play 'em any farther; and them that did play 'em was +mostly making ten-cent bets to be on the safe side. Only Sandy and Cora +kept right on showing up one Egbert Floud as a party that had much to +learn about pulling off a good bazaar. + +It's a sad tale. Cousin Egbert had to send out twice for more cash, Cora +Wales refusing to take his check on the Farmers and Merchants National +for hers. She said she was afraid there would be some catch about it. I +met Egbert out in the hall after the second time she'd made him send and +he'd lost much of his sparkle. + +"I never thought it was right to strike a lady without cause," he says +bitterly; "but I'd certainly hate to trust myself with that frail out in +some lonely spot, like Price's Addition, where her screams couldn't be +heard." + +"That's right," I says; "take it out on the poor woman that's trying to +win a nice bungalow with big sawed corners sticking out all over it, +when that cut-throat Sandy Sawtelle has win about twice as much! That +ain't the light of pure reason I had the right to expect from the Bazaar +King of Red Gap." + +"That's neither here nor there," says he with petulance. "Sandy would +of been just as happy if he'd lost the whole eighteen dollars him and +Buck come in here with." + +"Well," I warns him, "it looks to me like you'd have to apply them other +drastic methods you met with in this deadfall at the San Francisco +Fair--strong-arm work or medicine in the drinks of the winners, or +something like that--if you want to keep a mortgage off the old home. Of +course I won't crowd you for that two dollars you promised me for every +one that goes out of the hall. You can have any reasonable time you want +to pay that," I says. + +"That's neither here nor there," he says. "Luck's got to turn. The wheel +ain't ever been made that could stand that strain much longer." + +And here Luella Stultz comes up and says Mrs. Wales wants to know how +much she could bet all at once if she happened to want to. I could just +see Cora having a sharp pain in the heart like a knife thrust when she +thought what she would of win by betting ten dollars instead of one. +Cousin Egbert answers Luella quite viciously. + +"Tell that dame the ceiling sets the limit now," says he; "but if that +ain't lofty enough I'll have a skylight sawed into it for her." + +Then he goes over to watch, himself, being all ruined up by these +plungers. Leonard was saying: "Now don't be rash, Pettie!" And Pettie +was telling him it was his negative mind that had kept her from betting +five dollars every clip, and look what that would mean to their pile! + +Cousin Egbert give 'em one look and says, right out loud, Leonard Wales +is the biggest ham that was ever smoked, and he'd like to meet him, man +to man, outside; then he goes off muttering that he can be pushed so +far, but in the excitement of the play no one pays the least attention +to him. A little later I see him all alone out in the hall again. He was +scrunched painfully up in a chair till he looked just like this here +French metal statue called _Lee Penser_, which in our language means +"The Thinker." I let him think, not having the heart to prong him again +so quick. + +And the game goes merrily on, with Sandy collecting steadily on his +hunch and Cora Wales telling her husband the truth about himself every +time one of these three numbers didn't win; she exposed some very +distressing facts about his nature the time she put five apiece on the +three numbers and the single-o come up. It was a mad life, that last +hour, with a lot of other enraged ladies round the layout, some being +mad because they hadn't had money to play the hunch with, and others +because they hadn't had the nerve. + +Then somebody found it was near midnight and the crowd begun to fall +away. Cousin Egbert strolls by and says don't quit on his account--that +they can stick there and play their hunch till the bad place freezes +over, for all he cares; and he goes over to the bar and takes a drink +all by himself, which in him is a sign of great mental disturbance. + +Then, for about twenty minutes, I was chatting with the Mes-dames +Ballard and Price about what a grand success our part had been, owing to +Sandy acting the fool with Cousin Egbert's money, which the latter ain't +wise to yet. When I next notice the game a halt has been called by Cora +Wales. It seems the hunch has quit working. Neither of 'em has won a bet +for twenty minutes and Cora is calling the game crooked. + +"It looks very, very queer," says she, "that our numbers should so +suddenly stop winning; very queer and suspicious indeed!" And she glared +at Cousin Egbert with rage and distrust splitting fifty-fifty in her +fevered eyes. + +Cousin Egbert replied quickly, but he kind of sputtered and so couldn't +have been arrested for it. + +"Oh, I've no doubt you can explain it very glibly," says Cora; "but it +seems very queer indeed to Leonard and I, especially coming at this +peculiar time, when our little home is almost within my grasp." + +Cousin Egbert just walked off, though opening and shutting his hands in +a nervous way, like, in fancy free, he had her out on her own lot in +Price's Addition and was there abusing her fatally. + +"Very well!" says Cora with great majesty. "He may evade giving me a +satisfactory explanation of this extraordinary change, but I shall +certainly not remain in this place and permit myself to be fleeced. +Here, darling!" + +And she stuffs some loose silver into darling's last pocket that will +hold any more. He was already wadded with bills and sagging with coin, +till it didn't look like the same suit of clothes. Then she stood there +with a cynical smile and watched Sandy still playing his hunch, ten +dollars to a number, and never winning a bet. + +"You poor dupe!" says she when Sandy himself finally got tired and quit. +"It's especially awkward," she adds, "because while we have saved enough +to start our little nook, it will have to be far less pretentious than I +was planning to make it while the game seemed to be played honestly." + +Cousin Egbert gets this and says, as polite as a stinging lizard, that +he stands ready to give her a chance at any game she can think of, from +mumblety-peg up. He says if she'll turn him and Leonard loose in a +cellar that he'll give her fifty dollars for every one she's winner if +he don't have Len screaming for help inside of one minute--or make it +fifteen seconds. Len, who's about the size of a freight car, smiles kind +of sickish at this, and says he hopes there's no hard feelings among old +friends and lodge brothers; and Egbert says, Oh, no! It would just be in +the nature of a friendly contest, which he feels very much like having +one, since he can be pushed just so far; but Cora says gambling has +brutalized him. + +Then she sees the cards on the table and asks again about this game +where you play cards with yourself and mebbe win a thousand dollars +cold. She wants to know if you actually get the thousand in cash, and +Egbert says: + +"Sure! A thousand that any bank in town would accept at par." + +She picks up the deck and almost falls, but thinks better of it. + +"Could I play with my own cards?" she wants to know, looking suspicious +at these. Egbert says she sure can. "And in my own home?" asks Cora. + +"Your own house or any place else," says Egbert, "and any hour of the +day or night. Just call me up when you feel lucky." + +"We could embellish our little nook with many needful things," says +Cora. "A thousand dollars spent sensibly would do marvels." But after +fiddling a bit more with the cards she laid 'em down with a pitiful +sigh. + +Cousin Egbert just looked at her, then looked away quick, as if he +couldn't stand it any more, and says: "War is certainly what that man +Sherman said it was." + +Then he watches Sandy Sawtelle cashing in his chips and is kind of +figuring up his total losses; so I can't resist handing him another. + +"I don't know what us Mes-dames would of done without your master mind," +I says; "and yet I'd hate to be a Belgian with the tobacco habit and +have to depend on you to gratify it." + +"Well," he answers, very mad, "I don't see so many of 'em getting +tobacco heart with the proceeds of your fancy truck out in them booths +either!" + +"Don't you indeed?" I says, and just at the right moment, too. "Then you +better take another look or get your eyes fixed or something." + +For just then Sandy stands up on a chair and says: + +"Ladies and gents, a big pile of valuable presents is piled just at the +right of the main entrance as you go out, and I hope you will one and +all accept same with the welcome compliments of me and old Jerry, that I +had to take eleven stitches in the hide of. As you will pass out in an +orderly manner, let every lady help herself to two objects that attract +her, and every gent help himself to one object; and no crowding or +pulling I trust, because some of the objects would break, like the +moustache cup and saucer, or the drainpipe, with painted posies on it, +to hold your umbrels. Remember my words--every lady two objects and +every gent one only. There is also a new washboiler full of lemonade +that you can partake of at will, though I guess you won't want any--and +thanking you one and all!" + +So they cheer Sandy like mad and beat it out to get first grab at the +plunder; and just as Cousin Egbert thinks he now knows the worst, in +comes the girls that had the booths, bringing all the chips Buck Devine +had paid 'em--two hundred and seventy-eight dollars' worth that Egbert +has to dig down for after he thinks all is over. + +"Ain't it jolly," I says to him while he was writing another check on +the end of the bar. "This is the first time us ladies ever did clean out +every last object at a bazaar. Not a thing left; and I wish we'd got in +twice as much, because Sandy don't do things by halves when his money +comes easy from some poor dub that has thought highly of himself as a +thinker about money matters." He pretends not to hear me because of +signing his name very carefully to the check. "And what a sweet little +home you'll build for the Wales family!" I says. "I can see it now, all +ornamented up, and with one of these fancy bungalow names up over the +front gate--probably they'll call it The Breakers!" + +But he wouldn't come back; so I left him surrounded by the wreck of his +former smartiness and went home. At the door where the treasures had +been massed not a solitary thing was left but a plush holder for a whisk +broom, with hand-painted pansies on the front; and I decided I could +live without that. Tim Mahoney was there, grouching round about having +to light up the hall next night for the B'nai B'rith; and I told him to +take it for himself. He already had six drawnwork doilies and a vanity +box with white and red powder in it. + +As I go by the Hong Kong Quick Lunch, Sandy and three or four others is +up on stools; the Chinaman, cooking things behind the counter, is +wearing a lavender-striped silk dressing sacque and a lace boudoir cap +with pink ribbons in it. Yes; we'd all had a purple night of it! + +Next day about noon I'm downtown and catch sight of Cousin Egbert +setting in the United States Grill having breakfast; so I feel mean +enough to go in and gloat over him some more. I think to find him all +madded up and mortified; but he's strangely cheerful for one who has +suffered. He was bearing up so wonderful that I asked why. + +"Ain't you heard?" says he, blotting round in his steak platter with a +slice of bread. "Well, I got even with that Wales outfit just before +daylight--that's all!" + +"Talk on," I beg, quite incredulous. + +"I didn't get to bed till about two," he says, "and at three I was woke +up by the telephone. It's this big stiff Len Wales, that had ought to +have his head taken off because it only absorbs nourishment from his +system and gives nothing in return. He's laughing in a childish frenzy +and says is this me? I says it is, but that's neither here nor there, +and what does he want at this hour? 'It's a good joke on you,' he says, +'for the little woman got it on the third trial.' 'Got what?' I wanted +to know. 'Got that solitaire,' he yells. 'And it's a good joke on you, +all right, because now you owe her the thousand dollars; and I hate to +bother you, but you know how some women are that have a delicate, +high-strung organization. She says she won't be able to sleep a wink if +you don't bring it up to her so she can have all our little treasure +under her pillow; and I think, myself, it's better to have it all +settled and satisfactory while the iron's hot, and you'd probably prefer +it that way, too; and she says she won't mind, this time, taking your +check, though the actual money would be far more satisfactory, because +you know what women are--" + +"Say! He raves on like this for three minutes, stopping to laugh like a +maniac about every three words, before I can get a word in to tell him +that I'm a delicate, high-strung organization myself, if you come right +down to it, and I can't stand there in my nightgown listening to a +string of nonsense. He chokes and says: 'What nonsense?' And I ask him +does he think I'd pay a thousand dollars out on a game I hadn't +overlooked? And he says didn't I agree to in the presence of witnesses, +and the cards is laid out right there now on the dining-room table if I +got the least suspicion the game wasn't played fair, and will I come up +and look for myself! And I says 'Not in a thousand years!' Because what +does he think I am! + +"So then Mis' Wales she breaks in and says: 'Listen, Mr. Floud! You are +taking a most peculiar attitude in this matter. You perhaps don't +understand that it means a great deal to dear Leonard and me--try to +think calmly and summon your finer instincts. You said I could not only +play with my own cards at any hour of the night or day, but in my own +home; and I chose to play here, because conditions are more harmonious +to my psychic powers--' And so on and so on; and she can't understand my +peculiar attitude once more, till I thought I'd bust. + +"It was lucky she had the telephone between us or I should certainly of +been pinched for a crime of violence. But I got kind of collected in my +senses and I told her I already had been pushed as far as I could be; +and then I think of a good one: I ask her does she know what General +Sherman said war was? So she says, 'No; but what has that got to do with +it?' 'Well, listen carefully!' I says. 'You tell dear Leonard that I am +now saying my last word in this matter by telling you both to go to +war--and then ask him to tell you right out what Sherman said war was.' + +"I listened a minute longer for her scream, and when it come, like sweet +music or something, I went to bed again and slept happy. Yes, sir; I got +even with them sharks all right, though she's telling all over town this +morning that I have repudiated a debt of honour and she's going to have +that thousand if there's any law in the land; and anyway, she'll get me +took up for conducting a common gambling house. Gee! It makes me feel +good!" + +That's the way with this old Egbert boy; nothing ever seems to faze him +long. + +"How much do you lose on the night?" I ask him. + +"Well, the bar was a great help," he says, very chipper; "so I only lose +about fourteen hundred all told. It'll make a nice bunch for the +Belgians, and the few dollars you ladies made at your cheap booths will +help some." + +"How will your fourteen hundred lost be any help to the Belgians?" I +wanted to know; and he looked at me very superior and as crafty as a +fox. + +"Simple enough!" he says in a lofty manner. "I was going to give what I +win, wasn't I? So why wouldn't I give what I lose? That's plain enough +for any one but a woman to see, ain't it? I give Mis' Ballard, the +treasurer, a check for fourteen hundred not an hour ago. I told you I +knew how to run one of these grafts, didn't I? Didn't I, now?" + +Wasn't that just like the old smarty? You never know when you got him +nailed. And feeling so good over getting even with the Wales couple that +had about a thousand dollars of his money that very minute! + + * * * * * + +Still from the dimly lighted bunk house came the wail of Sandy Sawtelle +to make vibrant the night. He had returned to his earlier song after +intermittent trifling with an extensive repertoire: + + There's a broken heart for every light on Broadway, + A million tears for every gleam, they say. + Those lights above you think nothing of you; + It's those who love you that have to pay.... + +It was the wail of one thwarted and perishing. "Ain't it the sobbing +tenor?" remarked his employer. "But you can't blame him after the +killing he made before. Of course he'll get to town sooner or later and +play this fourteen number, being that the new reform administration, +with Lon Price as Mayor, is now safely elected and the game has opened +up again. Yes, sir; he's nutty about stitches in a mule. I wouldn't put +it past him that he had old Jerry kicked on purpose to-day!" + + + + +VII + +KATE; OR, UP FROM THE DEPTHS + + +This day I fared abroad with Ma Pettengill over wide spaces of the +Arrowhead Ranch. Between fields along the river bottom were gates +distressingly crude; clumsy, hingeless panels of board fence, which I +must dismount and lift about by sheer brawn of shoulder. Such gates +combine the greatest weight with the least possible exercise of man's +inventive faculties, and are named, not too subtly, the Armstrong gate. +This, indeed, is the American beauty of ranch humour, a flower of +imperishable fragrance handed to the visitor--who does the lifting with +guarded drollery or triumphant snicker, as may be. Buck Devine or Sandy +Sawtelle will achieve the mot with an aloof austerity that abates no jot +unto the hundredth repetition; while Lew Wee, Chinese cook of the +Arrowhead, fails not to brighten it with a nervous giggle, impairing its +vocal correctness, moreover, by calling it the "Armcatchum" gate. + +Ma Pettengill was more versatile this day. The first gate I struggled +with she called Armstrong in a manner dryly descriptive; for the second +she managed a humorous leer to illumine the term; for the third, +secured with a garland of barbed wire that must be painfully untwisted, +she employed a still broader humour. Even a child would then have known +that calling this criminal device the Armstrong gate was a joke of +uncommon richness. + +As I remounted, staunching the inevitable wound from barbed wire, I +began to speak in the bitterly superior tones of an efficiency expert as +we traversed a field where hundreds of white-faced Herefords were +putting on flesh to their own ruin. I said to my hostess that I vastly +enjoyed lifting a hundred-pound gate--and what was the loss of a little +blood between old friends, even when aggravated by probable tetanus +germs? But had she ever paused to compute the money value of time lost +by her henchmen in dismounting to open these clumsy makeshifts? I +suggested that, even appraising the one reliable ranch joke in all the +world at a high figure, she would still profit considerably by putting +in gates that were gates, in place of contrivances that could be handled +ideally only by a retired weight lifter in barbed-wire-proof armour. + +I rapidly calculated, with the seeming high regard for accuracy that +marks all efficiency experts, that these wretched devices cost her +twenty-eight cents and a half each _per diem_. Estimating the total of +them on the ranch at one hundred, this meant to her a loss of +twenty-eight dollars and a half _per diem_. I used _per diem_ twice to +impress the woman. I added that it was pretty slipshod business for a +going concern, supposing--sarcastically now--that the Arrowhead was a +going concern. Of course, if it were merely a toy for the idle rich-- + +She had let me talk, as she will now and then, affecting to be engrossed +with her stock. + +"Look at them white-faced darlings!" she murmured. "Two years old and +weighing eleven hundred this minute if they weigh a pound!" + +Then I saw we approached a gate that amazingly was a gate. Hinges, yes; +and mechanical complications, and a pendant cord on each side. I tugged +at one and the gate magically opened. As we passed through I tugged at +the other and it magically closed. This was luxury ineffable to one who +had laboured with things that seemed to be kept merely for the sake of a +jest that was never of the best and was staling with use. It would also +be, I hoped, an object lesson to my hostess. I performed the simple rite +in silence, yet with a manner that I meant to be eloquent, even +provocative. It was. + +"Oh, sure!" spoke Ma Pettengill. "That there's one of your _per-diem_ +gates; and there's another leading out of this field, and about six +beyond--all of 'em just as _per diem_ as this one; and, also, this here +ranch you're on now is one of your going concerns." She chuckled at this +and repeated it in a subterranean rumble: "A going concern--my sakes, +yes! It moved so fast you could see it go, and now it's went." Noisily +she relished this bit of verbal finesse; then permitted her fancy again +to trifle with it. "Yes, sir; this here going concern is plumb gone!" + +With active malice I asked no question, maintaining a dignified silence +as I lightly manipulated a second paragon of gates. The lady now rumbled +confidentially to herself, and I caught piquant phrases; yet still I +forbore to question, since the woman so plainly sought to intrigue me. +Even when we skirted a clump of cottonwoods and came--through another +perfect gate--upon a most amazing small collection of ranch buildings, +dying of desertion, I retained perfect control of a rising curiosity. + +By unspoken agreement we drew rein to survey a desolation that was still +immaculate. Stables and outbuildings were trim and new, and pure with +paint. All had been swept and garnished; no unsightly litter marred the +scene. The house was a suburban villa of marked pretension and would +have excited no comment on Long Island. In this valley of the mountains +it was nothing short of spectacular. Only one item of decoration hinted +an attempt to adapt itself to environment: in the noble stone chimney +that reared itself between two spacious wings a branding iron had been +embedded. Thus did it proclaim itself to the incredulous hills as a +ranch house. + +Flowers had been planted along a gravelled walk. While I reminded myself +that the gravel must have been imported from a spot at least ten miles +distant, I was further shocked by discovering a most improbable golf +green, in gloomy survival. Then I detected a series of kennels facing a +wired dog run. This was overwhelming in a country of simple, steadfast +devotion to the rearing of cattle for market. + +Ma Pettengill now spoke in a tone that, for her, could be called hushed, +though it reached me twenty feet away. + +"An art bungalow!" she said, and gazed upon it with seeming awe. Then +she waved a quirt to indicate this and the painfully neat outbuildings. +"A toy for the idle rich--was that it? Well, you said something. This +was one little _per-diem_ going concern, all right. They even had the +name somewhere round here worked out in yellow flowers--Broadmoor it +was. You could read it for five miles when the posies got up. There it +is over on that lawn. You can't read it now because the letters are all +overgrown. My Chinaman got delirious about that when he first seen it +and wanted me to plant Arrowhead out in front of our house, and was +quite hurt when I told him I was just a business woman--and a tired +business woman at that. He done what he could, though, to show we was +some class. The first time these folks come over to our place to lunch +he picked all my pink carnations to make a mat on the table, and spelled +out Arrowhead round it in ripe olives, with a neat frame of celery +inclosing same. Yes, sir!" + +This was too much. It now seemed time to ask questions, and I did so in +a winning manner; but so deaf in her backward musing was the woman that +I saw it must all come in its own way. + +"We got to make up over that bench yet," she said at last; and we rode +out past the ideal stable--its natty weather vane forever pointing the +wind to the profit of no man--through another gate of superb cunning, +and so once more to an understandable landscape, where sane cattle +grazed. Here I threw off the depression that comes upon one in places +where our humankind so plainly have been and are not. Again I questioned +of Broadmoor and its vanished people. + +The immediate results were fragmentary, serving to pique rather than +satisfy; a series of _hors d'oeuvres_ that I began to suspect must form +the whole repast. On the verge of coherence the woman would break off to +gloat over a herd of thoroughbred Durhams or a bunch of sportive +Hereford calves or a field teeming with the prized fruits of +intermarriage between these breeds. Or she found diversion in stupendous +stacks of last summer's hay, well fenced from pillage; or grounds for +criticising the sloth of certain of her henchmen, who had been told as +plain as anything that "that there line fance" had to be finished by +Saturday; no two ways about it! She repeated the language in which she +had conveyed this decision. There could have been no grounds for +misunderstanding it. + +And thus the annals of Broadmoor began to dribble to me, overlaid too +frequently for my taste with philosophic reflections at large upon what +a lone, defenceless woman could expect in this world--irrelevant, +pointed wonderings as to whether a party letting on he was a good ranch +hand really expected to perform any labour for his fifty a month, or +just set round smoking his head off and see which could tell the biggest +lie; or mebbe make an excuse for some light job like oiling the +twenty-two sets of mule harness over again, when they had already been +oiled right after haying. Furthermore, any woman not a born fool would +get out of the business the first chance she got, this one often being +willing to sell for a mutilated dollar, except for not wishing financial +ruin or insanity to other parties. + +Yet a few details definitely emerged. "Her" name was called Posnett, +though a party would never guess this if he saw it in print, because it +was spelled Postlethwaite. Yes, sir! All on account of having gone to +England from Boston and found out that was how you said it, though +Cousin Egbert Floud had tried to be funny about it when shown the name +in the Red Gap _Recorder_. The item said the family had taken apartments +at Red Gap's premier hotel _de luxe_, the American House; and Cousin +Egbert, being told a million dollars was bet that he never could guess +how the name was pronounced in English, he up and said you couldn't fool +him; that it was pronounced Chumley, which was just like the old +smarty--only he give in that he was surprised when told how it really +was pronounced; and he said if a party's name was Postlethwaite why +couldn't they come out and say so like a man, instead of beating round +the bush like that? All of which was promising enough; but then came the +Hereford yearlings to effect a breach of continuity. + +These being enough admired, I had next to be told that I wouldn't +believe how many folks was certain she had retired to the country +because she was lazy, just keeping a few head of cattle for +diversion--she that had six thousand acres of land under fence, and had +made a going concern _per diem_ of it for thirty years, even if parties +did make cracks about her gates; but hardly ever getting a good night's +sleep through having a "passel" of men to run it that you couldn't +depend on--though God only knew where you could find any other sort--the +minute your back was turned. + +A fat, sleek, prosperous male, clad in expensive garments, and wearing a +derby hat and too much jewellery, became somehow personified in this +tirade. I was led to picture him a residuary legatee who had never done +a stroke of work in his life, and believed that no one else ever did +except from a sportive perversity. I was made to hear him tell her that +she, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, was leading the ideal life on her +country place; and, by Jove! he often thought of doing the same thing +himself--get a nice little spot in this beautiful country, with some +green meadows, and have bands of large handsome cattle strolling about +in the sunlight, so he could forget the world and its strife in the same +idyllic peace she must be finding. Or if he didn't tell her this, then +he was sure to have a worthless son or nephew that her ranch would be +just the place for; and, of course, she would be glad to take him on and +make something of him--that is, so the lady now regrettably put it, as +he had shown he wasn't worth a damn for anything else, why couldn't she +make a cattleman of him? + +"Yes, sir; that's what I get from these here visitors that are enchanted +by the view. Either they think my ranch is a reform school for poor +chinless Chester, that got led away by bad companions and can't say no, +or they think, like you said, that it's just a toy for the idle rich. +Show 'em a shoe factory or a steel works and they can understand it's a +business proposition; but a ranch--Shucks! They think I've done my day's +work when I ride out on a gentle horse and look pleased at the +landscape." + +Again were we diverted. A dozen alien beeves fed upon the Arrowhead +preserves. Did I see that wattle brand--the jug-handle split? That was +the Timmins brand--old Safety First Timmins. There must be a break in +his fence at the upper end of the field. Made it himself likely. +Wouldn't she give the old penny-pincher hell if she had him here? She +would, indeed! Continuous muttering of a rugged character for half a +mile of jog trot. + +Then again: + +"Cousin Egbert got all fussed up in his mind about the name and always +called her Postle-nut. He don't seem to have a brain for such things. +But she didn't mind. I give her credit for that. She was fifty if she +was a day, but very, very blond; laboratory stuff, of course. You'd of +called her a superblonde, I guess. And haggard and wrinkled in the face; +but she took good care of that, too--artist's materials. + +"You know old Pete--that Indian you see cutting up wood back on the +place. Pete took a long look at her and named her the Painted Desert. +You always hear say an Indian hasn't got any sense of humour. I don't +know; Pete was sure being either a humourist or a poet. However, this +here lady handed me a new one about my business. She thought it was +merely an outdoor sport. I never could get that out of her head. Even +when she left she says she knows it's ripping good sport, but it's such +a terrific drain on one's income, and I must be quite mad about ranching +to keep it up. I said, yes; I got quite mad about it sometimes, and let +it go at that. What was the use?" + +A voiceless interval while we climbed a trail to the timbered bench +where fence posts were being cut by half a dozen of the Arrowhead +forces. Two of these were swiftly detached and bade to repair the break +in the fence by which one Timmins was now profiting, the entire six +being first regaled with a brief but pithy character analysis of the +offender, portraying him as a loathsome biological freak; headless, I +gathered, and with the acquisitive instincts of a trade rat. + +Then we rounded back on our way to the Arrow head ranch house. Five +miles up the narrowing valley we could see its outposts and its smoke. +Far below us the spick-and-span buildings of deserted Broadmoor +glittered newly, demanding that I be told more of them. Yet for the +five-mile ride I added, as I thought, no item to my slender stock. +Instead, when we had descended from the bench and were again in fields +where the gates might be opened only by galling effort, I learned +apparently irrelevant facts concerning Egbert Floud's pet kitten. + +"Yes, sir; he's just like any old maid with that cat. 'Kitty!' here and +'Kitty!' there; and 'Poor Kitty, did I forget to warm its milk?' And so +on. It was give to him two years ago by Jeff Tuttle's littlest girl, +Irene; and he didn't want it at first, but him and Irene is great +friends, so he pretended he was crazy about it and took it off in his +overcoat pocket, thinking it would die anyway, because it was only skin +and bones. Whenever it tried to purr you'd think it was going to shake +all its timbers loose. His house is just over on the other side of +Arrowhead Pass there, and I saw the kitten the first day he brought it +up, kind of light brown and yellow in colour, with some gray on the left +shoulder. + +"Well, the minute I see these markings I recognized 'em and remembered +something, and I says right off that he's got some cat there; and he +says how do I know? And I tell him that there kitten has got at least a +quarter wildcat in it. Its grandmother, or mebbe its great-grandmother, +was took up to the Tuttle Ranch when there wasn't another cat within +forty miles, and it got to running round nights; and quite a long time +after that they found it with a mess of kittens in a box out in the +harness room. One look at their feet and ears was all you'd want to see +that their pa was a bobcat. They all become famous fighting characters, +and was marked just like this descendant of theirs that Cousin Egbert +has. And, say, I was going on like this, not suspecting anything except +that I was giving him some interesting news about the family history of +this pet of his, when he grabs the beast up and cuddles it, and says I +had ought to be ashamed of myself, talking that way about a poor little +innocent kitten that never done me a stroke of harm. Yes, sir; he was +right fiery. + +"I don't know how he come to take it that cross way, for he hadn't +thought highly of the thing up to that moment. But some way it seemed to +him I was talking scandal about his pet--kind of clouding up its +ancestry, if you know what I mean. He didn't seem to get any broad view +of it at all. You'd almost think I'd been reporting an indiscretion in +some member of his family. Can you beat it? Heating up that way over a +puny kitten, six inches from tip to tip, that he'd been thinking of as a +pest and only taken to please Irene Tuttle! So he starts in from that +minute to doctor it up and nurture it with canned soup and delicacies; +and every time I see him after that he'd look indignant and say what +great hands for spreading gossip us women are, and his kitten ain't got +no more bobcat in its veins than what I have. + +"He's a stubborn old toad. Irene had told him the kitten's name was +Kate; so he kept right on calling it that even after it become +incongruous, as you might say. Judge Ballard was up here on a fishing +trip one time and heard him calling it Kate, and he says to Egbert: Why +call it Kate when it ain't? Egbert says that was the name little Irene +give it and it's too much trouble to think up another. The Judge says, +Oh, no; not so much trouble, being that he could just change the name +swiftly from Kate to Cato, thus meeting all conventional requirements +with but slight added labour. But Egbert says there's the sentiment to +think of--whatever he meant by that; and if you was to go over there +to-day and he was home you'd likely hear him say: 'Yes; Kate is +certainly some cat! Why, he's at least half bobcat--mebbe +three-quarters; and the fightingest devil!' What's that? Yes; he's +changed completely round about the wildcat strain. He's proud of it. If +I was to say now it was only a quarter bob he'd be as mad as he was at +first; he says anybody can see it's at least half bob. What changed him? +Oh, well, we're too near home. Some other time." + +So it befell that not until we sat out for a splendid sunset that +evening did I learn in an orderly manner of Postlethwaite vicissitudes. +Ma Pettengill built her first cigarette with tender solicitude; and +this, in consideration of her day's hard ride, I permitted her to burn +in relaxed silence. But when her trained fingers began to combine paper +and tobacco for the second I mentioned Broadmoor, Postlethwaite, +Posnett, and parties in general that come round the tired business +woman, harassed with the countless vexations of a large cattle ranch, +telling her how wise she has been to retire to this sylvan quietude, +where she can dream away her life in peace. She started easily: + +"That's it; they always intimate that running a ranch is mere cream +puffs compared to a regular business, and they'd like to do the same +thing to-morrow if only they was ready to retire from active life. Mebbe +they get the idea from these here back-to-nature stories about a +brokendown bookkeeper, sixty-seven years old, with neuritis and gastric +complications and bum eyesight, and a wife that ain't ever seen a well +day; so they take every cent of their life savings of eighty-three +dollars and settle on an abandoned farm in Connecticut and clear nine +thousand dollars the first year raising the Little Giant caper for +boiled mutton. There certainly ought to be a law against such romantic +trifling. In the first place, think of a Connecticut farmer abandoning +anything worth money! Old Timmins comes from Connecticut. Any time that +old leech abandons a thing, bookkeepers and all other parties will do +well to ride right along with him. I tell you now--" + +The second cigarette was under way, and suddenly, without modulation, +the performer was again on the theme, Posnett _née_ Postlethwaite. + +"Met her two years ago in Boston, where I was suffering a brief visit +with my son-in-law's aunts. She was the sole widow of a large woolen +mill. That's about all I could ever make out--couldn't get any line on +him to speak of. The first time I called on her--she was in pink silk +pyjamas, smoking a perfecto cigar, and unpacking a bale of lion and +tiger skins she'd shot in Africa, or some place--she said she believed +there would be fewer unhappy marriages in this world if women would only +try more earnestly to make a companion of their husbands; she said she'd +tried hard to make one of hers, but never could get him interested in +her pursuits and pastimes, he preferring to set sullenly at his desk +making money. She said to the day of his death he'd never even had a +polo mallet in his hand. And wasn't that pitiful! + +"And right now she wanted to visit a snappy little volcano she'd heard +about in South America--only she had a grown son and daughter she was +trying to make companions of, so they would love and trust her; and +they'd begged her to do something nearer home that was less fatiguing; +and mebbe she would. And how did I find ranching now? Was I awfully keen +about it and was it ripping good sport? I said yes, to an extent. She +said she thought it must be ripping, what with chasing the wild cattle +over hill and dale to lasso them, and firing off revolvers in company +with lawless cowboys inflamed by drink. She went on to give me some more +details of ranch life, and got so worked up about it that we settled +things right there, she being a lady of swift decisions. She said it +wouldn't be very exciting for her, but it might be fine for son and +daughter, and bring them all together in a more sacred companionship. + +"So I come back and got that place down the creek for her, and she sent +out a professional architect and a landscape gardener, and some other +experts that would know how to build a ranch _de luxe_, and the thing +was soon done. And she sent son on ahead to get slightly acquainted with +the wild life. He was a tall bent thing, about thirty, with a long +squinted face and going hair, and soft, innocent, ginger-coloured +whiskers, and hips so narrow they'd hardly hold his belt up. That rowdy +mother of his, in trying to make a companion of him, had near scared him +to death. He was permanently frightened. What he really wanted to do, I +found out, was to study insect life and botany and geography and +arithmetic, and so on, and raise orchids, instead of being killed off in +a sudden manner by his rough-neck parent. He loved to ride a horse the +same way a cat loves to ride a going stove. + +"I started out with him one morning to show him over the valley. He got +into the saddle all right and he meant well, but that don't go any too +far with a horse. Pretty soon, down on the level here, I started to +canter a bit. He grabbed for the saddle horn and caught a handful of +bunch grass fifteen feet to the left of the trail. He was game enough. +He found his glasses and wiped 'em off, and said it was too bad the +mater couldn't have seen him, because it would have been a bright spot +in her life. + +"Then he got on again and we took that steep trail up the side of the +cañon that goes over Arrowhead, me meaning to please him with some +beautiful and rugged scenery, where one false step might cause utter +ruin. It didn't work, though. After we got pretty well up to the rim of +the cañon he looks down and says he supposes they could recover one if +one fell over there. I says: 'Oh, yes; they could recover one. They'd +get you, all right. Of course you wouldn't look like anything!' + +"He shudders at that and gets off to lead his horse, begging me to do +the same. I said I never tried to do anything a horse could do better, +and stayed on. Then he got confidential and told me a lot of interesting +crimes this mater of his had committed in her mad efforts to make a +companion of him. Once she'd tramped on the gas of a ninety-horsepower +racer and socked him against a stone wall at a turn some fool had made +in the road; and another time she near drowned him in the Arctic Ocean +when she was off there for the polar-bear hunting; and she'd got him +well clawed by a spotted leopard in India, that was now almost the best +skin in her collection; and once in Switzerland he fell off the side of +an Alp she was making him climb, causing her to be very short with him +all day because it delayed the trip. Tied to a rope he was and hanging +out there over nothing for about fifteen minutes--he must have looked +like a sash weight. + +"Then he told about learning to run a motor car all by himself, just to +please the mater. The first time he made the sharp turns round their +country house he took nine shingles off the corner and crumpled a fender +like it was tissue paper; but he stuck to it till he got the score down +to two or three shingles only. He seemed right proud of that, like it +was bogey for the course, as you might say. He wasn't the greatest +humourist in the world, being too high-minded, but he appealed to all my +better instincts; he was trying so hard to make the grade out of respect +for his bedizened and homicidal mother. + +"And his poor sister, that come along later, was very much like him, +being severe of outline and wearing the same kind of spectacles, and not +fussing much about the fripperies of dress that engross so many of our +empty-headed sex and get 'em the notice of the male. Her complexion was +brutally honest, which was about all her very best-wishers could say for +it, but she was kind-hearted and earnest, and thought a good deal about +the real or inner meaning of life. What she really yearned for was to +stay in Boston and go to concerts, holding the music on her lap and +checking off the notes with a gold pencil when the fiddlers played them. +I watched her do it one night. I don't know what her notion was, keeping +cases on the orchestra that way; but it seemed to give her a secret +satisfaction. She was also interested in bird life and other studies of +a high character, and she didn't want to be made a companion of by her +rabid parent any more than brother did. They was just a couple of +lambkins born to a tiger. + +"Pretty soon the ranch buildings was all complete and varnished and +polished, like you seen to-day, and the family moved in with all kinds +of uniformed servants that looked unhappy and desperate. They had a +pained butler in a dress suit that never once set foot outside the house +the whole five months they was here. He'd of been thought too gloomy for +good taste, even at a funeral. He had me nervous every time I went +there, thinking any minute he was going to break down and sob. + +"And this lady loses no time making companions of her children that +didn't want to be. First she tried to make 'em chase steers on +horseback. A fact! That was one of her ideas of ranch life. When I asked +her what she was going to stock her ranch with she said didn't I have +some good heads of stock I could sell her? And I said yes, I had some +good heads, and showed her a bunch of my thoroughbreds, thinking none +but the best would satisfy her. She looked 'em over with a glittering +eye and said they was too fat to run well. I didn't get her. I said it +was true; I hadn't raised 'em for speed. I said I didn't have an animal +on the place that could hit better than three miles an hour, and not +that for long. I cheerfully admitted I didn't have a thoroughbred on +the place that wouldn't be a joke on any track in the country; but I +wanted to know what of it. + +"'How do you get any sport out of them,' demands the lady, 'if they +can't give you a jolly good chase?' + +"That's what she asked me in so many words. I says, does she aim to +breed racing cattle? And she says, where will the sport be with +creatures all out of condition with fat, like mine are? It took me about +ten minutes to get her idea, it was that heinous or criminal. When I did +get it I sent her to old Safety First; and what does she do but buy a +herd of twenty yearling steers from the old crook! Scrubby little runts +that had been raised out in the hills and was all bone and muscle, and +any one of 'em able to do a mile in four minutes flat, I guess. + +"Old Safety was tickled to death at first when he put off this refuse on +her at a price not much more than double what they would have brought in +a tanyard, which was all they'd ever be good for except bone fertilizer, +mebbe; but he was sick unto death when he found they was just what she +wanted, the skinnier the better and he could have got anything he asked +for 'em. He says to me afterward why don't I train some of mine and trim +her good? But I told him I'm cinched for hell, anyway, and don't have to +make it tighter by torturing poor dumb brutes. + +"That's what it amounted to. Having got Angora chaps and cowboy hats for +herself and offsprings, what do they do but get on ponies and chase +this herd all over creation, whirling their ropes, yelling, shooting in +the air--just like you see on any well-conducted ranch. Once in a while +the old lady herself, being a demon rider, would rope an animal and +fetch it down; but brother and sister was very careful not to tangle +their own ropes on anything. They didn't shoot their guns with any +proper spirit, either; and when they tried to yip like cowboys they +sounded like rabbits. And brother having to smoke brown-paper +cigarettes, which he hated like poison and had trouble in rolling! + +"Mother could roll 'em, all right--do it with one hand. And she urged +sister to; but sister rebelled for once. The old lady admitted this was +due to a fault in her early training. It seems her grandmother had been +one of the old-fashioned sort; and, having studied the modern young +woman of society in Boston and New York, she'd promised sister a string +of pearls if she didn't either smoke or drink till her twenty-first +birthday. Sister had not only won the pearls but had come on to +twenty-eight without being like other young girls of the day, and wasn't +going to begin now. So ma and brother had to do all the smoking. + +"After a fine morning's run following the steers they'd like as not have +a little branding in the afternoon, the old-fashioned kind that ain't +done in the higher ranch circles any more, where a couple of silly +punchers rope an animal fore and aft and throw it, thereby setting it +back at least four months in its growth. The old lady was puzzled again +by me having my branding done in a chute, where the poor things ain't +worried more than is necessary. I bet she thought I was a short sport, +not doing a thing on my place that would look well in a moving picture. +She got a lot of ripping sport out of this branding. Made no difference +if they was already branded, they got it again; she'd brand 'em over and +over. Two or three of that herd got it so often that they looked like +these leather suitcases parties bring back from Europe stuck all over +with hotel labels. + +"Well, this branch of sport lasted quite a while, with them steers +developing speed every day till they got too fast for any one but the +old lady. Brother and sister would be left far behind, or mebbe get +stacked up and discouraged or sprained for the day. The old dame said it +was disheartening, indeed, trying to make companions of one's children +when they showed such a low order of intelligence for it. Still, she was +fair-minded; so she had a golf links made, and put 'em at that. She +wouldn't play herself, saying it was an effeminate game, good for fat +old men or schoolboys, but mebbe her chits would benefit by it and get a +taste for proper sports, where you can break a bone now and then by not +using care. + +"But golf wasn't much better. Sister would carry a book of poetry with +her and read it as she loafed from one hit to another. The old lady near +shed tears at the sight. And brother was about as bad, getting +hypnotized by passing insect life and forgetting his score while +prodding some new kind of bug. + +"The old lady said I'd never believe what a care and responsibility +children was. She had wanted 'em to go in for ranching and be awfully +keen about it, and look how they acted! Still, she wouldn't give up. She +suggested polo next; but sister said it wasn't a lady's game, making no +demand upon the higher attributes of womanhood, and brother said he +might go in for it if she'd let him play his on a bicycle, as being more +reliable or stauncher than a pony. + +"So she throws up her hands in despair, but thinks hard again; and at +last she says she has the right sport for 'em and why didn't she think +of it before! This new idea is to bring up her pack of prize-winning +beagles, the sport being full of excitement, and yet safe enough for all +concerned if they'll look where they walk and not stop to read slushy +poems or collect insect life. Sister and brother said beagles, by all +means, like drowning sailors clutching at a straw or something; and the +old lady sent off a telegram. + +"I admit I didn't know what kind of a game beagles was, but I didn't +betray the fact when she told me about it. I was over to Egbert Floud's +place next day and I asked him. But he didn't know and he couldn't even +get the name right. He says: 'You mean beetles.' I says, 'Not at all'; +that it's beagles. Then he says I must of got the name twisted, and +probably it's one of these curly horns. That's as close as he ever did +come to the name; and until he actually saw the things he insisted they +was either something to blow on or something that crawled. 'Mark my +words,' he says,'they're either a horn or a bug; and I wonder what this +here blond guy will be doing next.' So I saw nothing sensible was to be +had out of him, and I left him there, doddering. + +"Then in about ten days, which was days of peace for brother and sister, +because they didn't have to go in keenly for any new way of killing +themselves off, what comes up but several crates of beagles, in charge +of their valet or tutor! I'd looked forward to something of a thrilling +or unknown character, and they turned out to be mere dogs; just little +brown-and-white dogs that you wouldn't notice if you hadn't been excited +by their names; kind of yapping mutts that some parties would poison off +if they lived in the same neighbourhood with 'em. They all had names +like Rex II and Lady Blessington, and so on; and each one had cost more +than any three steers I had on the place. What do you think of that? +They was yapping in their kennels when I first seen 'em, with the old +lady as excited as they was, and brother and sister trying to look +excited in order to please mother, and at least looking relieved because +no fatalities was in immediate prospect. + +"I listened to the noise a while and acted nice by saying they was +undoubtedly the very finest beagles I'd ever laid eyes on--which was the +simple God's truth; and then I says won't she take one out of the cage +and let him beagle some, me not having any idea what it would be like? +But the old lady says not yet, because the costumes ain't come. I +thought at first it was the pups that had to be dressed up, but it seems +it was costumes for her and brother and sister to wear; so I asked a few +more silly questions and found out the mystery. It seemed the secret of +a beagle's existence was rabbits. Yes, sir; they was mad about rabbits +and went in keenly for 'em. Only they wouldn't notice one, I gathered, +if the parties that followed 'em wasn't dressed proper for it. + +"Then we went in where we could hear each other without screaming, and +the lady tells me more about it, and how beagles is her last hope of her +chits ever amounting to anything in the great world of sport. If they +don't go in keenly for beagles she'll just have to give up and let +Nature take its course with the poor things. And she said these was +A-Number-One beagles, being sure to get a rabbit if one was in the +country. She'd just had 'em at a big fashionable country resort down +South, some place where the sport attracted much notice from the +simple-minded peasantry, and it hadn't been a good country for rabbits; +so the beagles had trooped into a backyard and destroyed a Belgian hare +that had belonged to a little boy, whose father come out and swore at +the costumed hunters in a very common manner, and offered to lick any +three of 'em at once. + +"And in hurrying acrost a field to get away from this rowdy, that +seemed liable to forget himself and do something they'd all regret +later, they was put up a tree by a bull that was sensitive about +costumes, and had to stay there two hours, with the bull trying to grub +up the tree, and would of done so if his owner hadn't come along and +rescued 'em. + +"She made it sound like an exciting sport, all right, yet nothing I +thought I'd ever go in keenly for. It didn't seem like anything I'd get +up in the night to indulge myself in. And I agreed with her that if her +chits found beagling too adventurous, then all hope was gone and she +might as well let 'em die peacefully in their beds. + +"Two days later the costumes come along and I was kindly sent word to +show up the next morning if I wanted to see some ripping sport that I'd +be quite mad about and go in for keenly, and all that sort of thing, by +Jove! Of course I go over, on account of this dame's atrocities never +yet having failed to interest me, and I didn't think she'd fall down +now. I felt strangely out of it, though, when I seen the costumes. Ma +and sister had, from the top down, black velvet jockey caps; green +velvet coats with gold buttons; white pique skirts, coming to the knee; +black silk stockings; and neat black shoes with white spats. Brother had +been abused the same, barring the white skirt, which left him looking +like something out of a collection called The Dolls of All Nations. + +"I saw right off that all these clothes must be necessary--they looked +so careful and expensive. Yes, Sir; that lady would no more of went out +beagling without being draped for it than she'd of gone steer hunting +without a vanity-box lashed to her saddle horn. + +"I sort of hung back with the awe-stricken help when the start was made. +They was all out in front except the butler, who lurked in the entry +looking like he'd passed a night of grief at the new-made grave of his +mother. + +"The beagles surged all over the place the minute they was let loose, +and then made for down in the willows below the house. And, sure enough, +they started a cottontail down there and went in for him keenly, +followed by ma and brother and sister. Brother started to yell 'Yoicks! +Yoicks!' But ma shut him off with a good deal of severity that caused +him to blush at his words. It seems Yoicks is a cry you give at some +other critical juncture in life. When beagles start you must yell 'Gone +away!' in a clear, ringing voice. Brother meant well, but didn't know. + +"Anyhow, they followed those pups, and I trailed along at a decent +distance on my horse; and pretty soon they got the rabbit which had been +fool enough to come round in a wide circle back to where it started +from. Say! It was mere child's play for that plucky little band of nine +dogs to clean up that rabbit. They never had a minute's fear of it and +the rabbit didn't have the least chance of winning the fight, not at +any stage. Yes, sir! any time you see nine beagles setting on a tuckered +rabbit--I don't care how wild he is--you'll know how to put your money +down. + +"I never did see a rabbit put up a worse fight than that one did. I rode +up to its fragments, and the old lady was saying how ripping it was and +calling sister a mollycoddle, because here was sister crying like a baby +over the rabbit's fate--a rabbit she'd never set eyes on before in her +life. Brother didn't look like he had gone in keenly for the sport, +either. He was kind of green and yellow, like one of these parties on +shipboard about the time he's saying he don't feel the boat's motion the +least bit; and, anyway, he's got a sure-fire remedy for it if anything +does happen. I just kind of stood around, neutral and revolted. + +"Pretty soon the pack beagles off again with glad cries; and this time, +up on the hillside, what do they start but a little spike buck that has +been down to a salt lick on the creek flat! They wasn't any more afraid +of him than they had been of the rabbit and started to chase him out of +the country. Of course they didn't do well after they got him +interested. The last I saw of the race he was making 'em look like they +was in reverse gear and backing up full speed. Anyway, that seemed to +end the sport for the day, because the dogs and the buck must of been +over near the county line in ten minutes. The old lady was mad and +blamed it on the valet, who come up and had to take as sweet a roasting +as you ever heard a man get from a lady word painter. It seems he'd +ought to have taught 'em to ignore deer. + +"Then I lied like a lady and said it was a ripping sport that I would +sure go in keenly for if I had time; and we all went back to the house +and sat down to what they called a hunt breakfast. Ma said at last her +chits could hold up their heads in the world of sport and not be a +reproach to her training. The chits looked very thoughtful, indeed. +Sister still had red eyes and couldn't eat a mouthful of hunt breakfast, +and brother just toyed with little dabs of it. + +"Next day I learned the pack didn't get back till late that evening, +straggling in one by one, and the valet having to go out and look for +the last two with a lantern. Also, these last two had been treated +brutally by some denizen of the wildwood. Rex II had darn near lost his +eyesight and Lady Blessington was clawed something scandalous. Brother +said mebbe a rabbit mad with hydrophobia had turned on 'em. He said it +in hopeful tones, and sister cheered right up and said if these two had +it they would give it to the rest of the pack, and shouldn't they all be +shot at once? + +"Mother said what jolly nonsense; that they'd merely been scratched by +thorns. I thought, myself, that mebbe they'd gone out of their class and +tackled a jack rabbit; but I didn't say it, seeing that the owner was +sensitive. Afterward she showed me a lot of silver things her pets had +won--eye-cups and custard dishes, and coffee urns and things, about a +dozen, with their names engraved on 'em. She said it was very annoying +to have 'em take after deer that way. What she wanted 'em to do was to +butcher rabbits where parties in the right garments could stand and look +on. + +"Next day they tried again; and one fool rabbit was soon gone in for +keenly to the renewed sound of sister's bitter sobs, and brother looking +like he'd been in jail two years--no colour left at all in his face. But +pretty soon the pack took up the scent of a deer again, and that was the +end of another day's sport. Brother and sister looked glad and resumed +their peaceful sports. He hunted butterflies with a net, and she set +down and looked at birds through an opera glass and wrote down things +about their personal appearance in a notebook. The old lady changed to +her cowboy suit and went out and roped three steers--just to work her +mad off, I guess. + +"Well, this time the beagles not only limped in at a shocking hour of +the night but three of the others had had their beauty marred by a demon +rabbit or something. They had been licked very thoroughly, indeed; and +the old lady now said it must be a grizzly bear, and brother and sister +beamed on her and said: 'What a shame!' And would they hunt again next +day? For the first time they seemed quite mad about the sport. Mother +said they better wait till she went out and shot the grizzly, but I told +her we hadn't had any grizzlies round here for years; so she said, all +right, they could lick anything less than a grizzly. And they beagled +again next day, with terrible and inspiring results, not only to Rex II +and Lady Blessington again, but to two of the others that hadn't been +touched before. + +"This left only two of the pack that hadn't been horribly abused by some +unknown varmint; so a halt had to be called for three days while Red +Cross work was done. Brother and sister tried to look regretful and +complained about this break in the ripping sport; but their manner was +artificial. They spent the time riding peacefully round up in the cañon, +pretending to look for the wild creature that had chewed their little +pets. They come back one day and cheered their mother a whole lot by +telling her the pack had been over the pass as far as the house of a +worthy rancher, Mr. Floud by name. They said Mr. Floud didn't believe +there was any bears round, and further said he greatly admired the +beagles, even though at first they seriously annoyed his pet kitten. + +"The old lady said this was ripping of Mr. Floud, to take it in such a +sporting way, because many people in the past had tried to make all +sorts of nasty rows when her pets had happened to kill their kittens. +Brother said, yes; Mr. Floud took the whole thing in a true sporting +way, and he hoped the pack would soon be well enough to hunt again. +Right then I detected falsity in his manner; I couldn't make out what +it was, but I knew he was putting something over on mother. + +"Two days later the dogs was fit again, and another gay hunt was had, +with a rabbit to the good in the first twenty minutes, and then the +usual break, when they struck a deer scent. Brother said he'd follow on +his horse this time and try to get whatever was bothering 'em. He +didn't. He said he lost 'em. They crawled back at night, well chewed; +and mother was now frantic. + +"There had to be another three days in bed for the cunning little +murderers, after which brother and sister both went out with 'em on +horseback, with the same mysterious results--except that Rex II didn't +get in till next day and looked like he'd come through a feed chopper. +For the next hunt, four days after that, the old lady went, too, all of +'em on horseback; but the same slinking marauder got at the pack before +they could come up with it, and two of 'em had to be brought back in +arms. They all stopped here on the way home to tell about the mystery. +Brother and sister was very cheerful and mad about the sport, but their +manner was falser than ever. Mother says the pack is being ruined, and +she wouldn't continue the sport, except it has roused the first gleam of +interest her chits has ever showed in anything worth while. I caught the +chits looking at each other in a guilty manner when she says this, and +my curiosity wakes up. I says next time they go out I will be pleased to +go with 'em; and the old lady thanks me and says mebbe I can solve this +reprehensible mystery. + +"In another three days they come by for me. The beagles was looking an +awful lot different from what I had first seen 'em. They was not only +beautifully scarred but they acted kind of timid and reproachful, and +their yapping had a note of caution in it that I hadn't noticed before. +So I got on my pony and went along to help probe the crime. We worked up +the cañon trail and over the pass, with the pack staying meekly behind +most of the time. Just the other side of the pass they actually got a +rabbit, though not working with their old-time recklessness, I thought. +Of course we had to stop and watch this. Brother looked the other way +and sister just set there biting her lips, with an evil gleam in her +pale-blue eyes. Not a beagle in the pack would have trusted himself +alone with her at that minute if he'd known his business. + +"Then we rode on down toward Cousin Egbert's shack, with nothing further +happening and the pups staying back in a highly conservative manner. +Brother says that yonder is the Mr. Floud's place he had spoken of, and +ma wants to know if he, too, goes in for ranching, and I says yes, he's +awfully keen about it; so she says we'll ride over and chat with him and +perhaps he can suggest some solution of the mystery in hand. I said all +right, and we ride up. + +"Cousin Egbert is tipped back in a chair outside the door, reading a +Sunday paper. Whenever he gets one up here he always reads it clean +through, from murders to want ads. And he'd got into this about as far +as the beauty hints and secrets of the toilet. Well, he was very polite +and awkward, and asked us into his dinky little shack; and the old lady +says she hears he is quite mad about ranching, and he says, Oh, +yes--only it don't help matters any to get mad; and he finds a chair for +her, and the rest of us set on stools and the bed; and just then she +notices that the beagle pack has halted about thirty feet from the door, +and some of 'em is milling and acting like they think of starting for +home at once. + +"So out she goes and orders the little pets up. They didn't want to come +one bit; it seemed like they was afraid of something, but they was well +disciplined and they finally crawled forward, looking like they didn't +know what minute something cruel might happen. + +"The old lady petted 'em and made 'em lie down, and asked Cousin Egbert +if he'd ever seen better ones, or even as good; and he said No, ma'am; +they was sure fine beetles. Then she begun to tell him about some wild +animal that had been attacking 'em, a grizzly, or mebbe a mountain lion, +with cubs; and he is saying in a very false manner that he can't think +what would want to harm such playful little pets, and so on. All this +time the pets is in fine attitudes of watchful waiting, and I'm just +beginning to suspect a certain possibility when it actually happens. + +"There was an open window high up in the log wall acrost from the door, +and old Kate jumps up onto the sill from the outside. He was one fierce +object, let me tell you; weighing about thirty pounds, all muscle, with +one ear gone, and an eye missing that a porcupine quill got into, and a +lot of fresh new battle scars. We all got a good look at him while he +crouched there for a second, purring like a twelve-cylinder car and +twitching his whiskers at us in a lazy way, like he wanted to have folks +make a fuss over him. And then, all at once, catching sight of the dogs, +he changed to a demon; his back up, his whiskers in a stiff tremble, and +his half of a tail grown double in girth. + +"I looked quick to the dogs, and they was froze stiff with horror for at +least another second. Then they made one scramble for the open door, and +Kate made a beautiful spring for the bunch, landing on the back of the +last one with a yell of triumph. Mother shrieked, too, and we all rushed +to the door to see one of the prettiest chases you'd want to look at, +with old Kate handing out the side wipes every time he could get near +one of the dogs. They fled down over the creek bank and a minute later +we could see the pack legging it up the other side to beat the cars, +losing Kate--I guess because he didn't like to get his hide wet. + +"When the first shock of this wore off, here was silly old Egbert, in a +weak voice, calling: 'Kitty, Kitty, Kitty! Here, Kitty! Here, Kitty!' +Then we notice brother and sister. Brother is waving his hat in the air +and yelling 'Yoicks!' and 'Gone away!' and 'Fair sport, by Jove!'--just +like some crazy man; and sister, with her chest going up and down, is +clapping her hands and yelling 'Goody! Goody! Goody!' and squealing with +helpless laughter. Mother just stood gazing at 'em in horrible silence. +Pretty soon they felt it and stopped, looking like a couple of kids that +know it's spanking time. + +"'So!' says mother. That's all she said--just, 'So!' + +"But she stuffed the simple word with eloquence; she left it pregnant +with meaning, as they say. Then she stalked loftily out and got on her +horse, brother and sister slinking after her. I guess I slunk, too, +though it was none of my doings. Cousin Egbert kind of sidled along, +mumbling about Kitty: + +"'Kitty was quite frightened of the pets first time he seen 'em; but +someway to-day it seemed like he had lost much of his fear--seemed more +like he had wanted to play with 'em, or something.' + +"Nobody listened to the doddering old wretch, but I caught brother +winking at him behind mother's back. Then we all rode off in lofty +silence, headed by mother, who never once looked back to her late host, +even if he was mad about ranching. We got up over the pass and the pack +of ruined beagles begun to straggle out of the underbrush. A good big +buck rabbit with any nerve could have put 'em all on the run again. You +could tell that. They slunk along at the tail of the parade. I dropped +out informally when it passed the place here. It seemed like something +might happen where they'd want only near members of the family present. + +"I don't hear anything from Broadmoor next day; so the morning after +that I ride over to Cousin Egbert's to see if I couldn't get a better +line on the recent tragedy. He was still on his Sunday paper, having +finished an article telling that man had once been scaly, like a fish; +and was just beginning the fashion notes, with pictures showing that the +smart frock was now patterned like an awning. Old Kate was lying on a +bench in the sun, trying to lick a new puncture he'd got in his chest. + +"I started right in on the old reprobate. I said it was a pretty +how-de-do if a distinguished lady amateur, trying to raise ranching to +the dignity of a sport, couldn't turn loose a few prize beagles without +having 'em taken for a hunt breakfast by a nefarious beast that ought to +be in a stout cage in a circus this minute! I thought, of course, this +would insult him; but he sunned right up and admitted that Kate was +about half to three-quarters bobcat; and wasn't he a fine specimen? And +if he could only get about eight more as good he'd have a pack of +beagle-cats that would be the envy of the whole sporting world. + +"'It ain't done!' I remarked, aiming to crush him. + +"'It is, too!' Egbert says. 'I did it myself. Look what I already done, +just with Kitty alone!' + +"'How'd it start?' I asked him. + +"'Easy! says he. 'They took Kate for a rabbit and Kate took them for +rabbits. It was a mutual error. They found out theirs right soon; but I +bet Kate ain't found out his, even to this day. I bet he thinks they're +just a new kind of rabbit that's been started. The first day they broke +in here he was loafin' round out in front, and naturally he started for +'em, though probably surprised to see rabbits travelling in a bunch. +Also, they see Kate and start for him, which must of startled him good +and plenty. He'd never had rabbits make for him before. He pulled up so +quick he skidded. I could see his mind working. Don't tell me that cat +ain't got brains like a human! He was saying to himself: "Is this here a +new kind of rabbits, or is it a joke--or what? Mebbe I better not try +anything rash till I find out." + +"'They was still coming for him acrost the flat, with their tongues out; +so he soopled himself up a bit with a few jumps and made for that there +big down spruce. He lands on the trunk and runs along it to where the +top begins. He has it all worked out. He's saying: "If this here is a +joke, all right; but if it ain't a joke I better have some place back of +me for a kind of refuge." + +"'So up come these strange rabbits and started to jump for him on the +trunk of the spruce; but it's pretty high and they can't quite make it. +And in a minute they sort of suspicion something on their part, because +Kate has rared his back and is giving 'em a line of abuse they never +heard from any rabbit yet. Awful wicked it was, and they sure got +puzzled. I could hear one of 'em saying: "Aw, come on! That ain't no +regular rabbit; he don't look like a rabbit, and he don't talk like a +rabbit, and he don't act like a rabbit!" Then another would say: "What +of it? What do we care if he's a regular rabbit or not? Let's get him, +anyway, and take him apart!" + +"'So they all begin to jump again and can't quite make it till their +leader says he'll show 'em a real jump. He backs off a little to get a +run and lands right on the log. Then he wished he hadn't. Old Kate +worked so quick I couldn't hardly follow it. In about three seconds this +leader lands on his back down in the bunch, squealing like one of these +Italian sopranos when the flute follows her up. He crawls off on his +stomach, still howling, and I see he's had a couple of wipes over the +eye, and one of his ears is shredded. + +"'A couple of the others come over to ask him how it happened, and what +he quit for, and did his foot slip; and he says: "Mark my words, +gentlemen; we got our work cut out for us here. That animal is acting +less and less like a rabbit every minute. He's more turbulent and he's +got spurs on." He goes on talking this way while the others bark at +Kate, and Kate dares any one of 'em to come on up there and have it out, +man to man. Finally another lands on the tree trunk and gets what the +first one got. I could see it this time. Kate done some dandy shortarm +work in the clinches and hurled him off on his back like the other one; +then he stands there sharpening his claws on the bark and grinning in a +masterful way. He was saying: "You will, will you?" + +"'Then one of these beetles must of said, "Come on, boys--all together +now!" for four of 'em landed up on the trunk all to once. And Kate +wasn't there. He'd had the top of this fallen tree at his back, and he +kites up a limb about ten feet above their heads and stretches out for a +rest, cool as anything, licking his paws and purring like he enjoyed the +beautiful summer day, and wasn't everything calm and lovely? It was +awful insulting the way he looked down on 'em, with his eyes half shut. +And you never seen beetles so astonished in your life. They just +couldn't believe their eyes, seeing a rabbit act that way! The leader +limps over and says: "There! What did I tell you, smarties? I guess next +time you'll take my word for it. I guess you can see plain enough now he +ain't no rabbit, the way he skinned up that tree." + +"'They calm down a mite at this, and one or two says they thought he was +right from the first; and some others says: "Well, it wouldn't make no +difference what he was, rabbit or no rabbit, if he'd just come down and +meet the bunch of us fair and square; but the dirty coward is afraid to +fight us, except one at a time." The leader is very firm, though. He +tells 'em that if this here object ain't a rabbit they got no right to +molest him, and if he is a rabbit he's gone crazy, and wouldn't be good +to eat, anyway; so they better go find one that acts sensible. And he +gets 'em away, all talking about it excitedly. + +"'Well, sir, you wouldn't believe how tickled Kate was all that day. It +was like he'd found a new interest in life. And next time these beetles +come up they pull off another grand scrap. Kate laid for 'em just this +side of the creek and let 'ern chase him back to his tree. He skun up +three others that day, still pursuin' his cowardly tactics of fighting +'em one at a time, and retirin' to his perch when three or four would +come at once. Also, when they give him up again and started off he come +down and chased 'em to the creek bank, like you seen the other day, +telling 'em to be sure and not forget the number, because he ain't had +so much fun since he met up with a woodchuck. The next time they showed +up he'd got so contemptuous of 'em that he'd leap down and engage one +that had got separated from the pack. He had two of 'em darn' near out +before they was rescued by their friends. + +"'Then, a few days later, along comes the pack again--only this time +they're being herded by the lad with the ginger-coloured whiskers. He +gets off his horse and says how do I do, and what lovely weather, and +how bracing the air is; and I says what pretty beetles he has; and he +says it's ripping sport; and I says, yes; Kate has ripped up a number of +'em, but I hope he don't blame me none, because my Kitty has to defend +himself. Say, this guy brightened up and like to took me off my feet! He +grabs both my hands and shakes 'em warmly for a long time and says do I +think my cat can put the whole bunch on the blink?--or words to that +effect. And I says it's the surest thing in the world; but why? And he +says, then the sooner the better, because it's a barbarous sport and +every last beetle ought to be thoroughly killed; and when they are, in +case his mother don't find out the crooked work, mebbe he'll be let to +raise orchids or do something useful in the world, instead of frittering +his life away in the vain pursuit of pleasure. + +"'Oh, he was the chatty lad, all right! And I felt kind of sorry for +him; so I says Kate would dearly love to wipe these beetles out one by +one; and he says: 'Capital, by Jove!' And I call Kitty and we pull off +another nice little scrap on the fallen tree, though it's hard to make +the beetles take much interest in it now, except in the way of +self-defense. Even at that, they're kept plenty occupied. + +"'Say, this guy is the happiest you ever see one when Kate has about +four more of 'em licked to a standstill in jigtime. He says he has one +more favour to ask of me: Will I allow his sister to come up some day +and see the lovely carnage? And I says, Sure! Kate will be glad to +oblige any time. He says he'll fetch her up the first time the pack is +able to get out again, and he keeps on chattering like a child that's +found a new play-pretty. + +"'I can't hardly get him off the place, he's so greatful to me. He tells +me his biography and about how this here blond guy has been roughing +him all over Europe and Asia, and how it had got to stop right here, +because a man has a right to live his own life, after all; and then he +branches off in a nutty way to tell me that he always takes a cold +shower every morning, winter and summer, and he never could read a line +of Sir Walter Scott, and why don't some genius invent a fountain pen +that will work at all times? and so on, till it sounded delirious. But +he left at last. + +"'And we had some good ripping sport when him and sister come up. I +never seen such a blood-thirsty female. She'd nearly laugh her head off +when Kitty was gouging the eye out of one of these cunning little +scamps. She said if I'd ever seen the nasty curs pile on to one poor +defenseless little bunny I'd understand why she was so keen about my +beetle-cat. That's what she called Kate. + +"'Kate, he got kind of bored with the whole business after that. He +hadn't actually eat one yet, and mebbe that was all that kept him +going--wanting to see if they'd taste any better than regular rabbits. +But you bet they knew now that Kate wasn't any kind of a rabbit. They +didn't have any more arguments on that point--they knew darn' well he +didn't have a drop of rabbit blood in his veins. Oh, he's some +beetle-cat, all right!' + +"That's Cousin Egbert for you! Can you beat him--changing round and +being proud of this mixed marriage that he had formerly held to be a +scandal! + +"Well, I go back home, and here is mother waiting for me. And she's a +changed woman. She's actually give up trying to make anything out of her +chits, because after considerable browbeating and third-degree stuff, +they've come through with the whole evil conspiracy--how they'd got her +prize-winning beagles licked by a common cat that wouldn't be let into +any bench show on earth! Her spirit was broke. + +"'My poor son,' she says, 'I shall allow to go his silly way after this +outrageous bit of double-dealing. I think it useless to strive further +with him. He has not only confessed all the foul details, but he came +brazenly out with the assertion that a man has a right to lead his own +life--and he barely thirty!' + +"She goes on to say that it's this terrible twentieth-century modernism +that has infected him. She says that, first woman sets up a claim to +live her own life, and now men are claiming the same right, even one as +carefully raised and guarded as her boy has been; and what are we coming +to? But, anyway, she did her best for him. + +"Pretty soon Broadmoor was closed like you seen it to-day. Sister is now +back in Boston, keeping tabs on orchestras and attending lectures on the +higher birds; and brother at last has his orchid ranch somewhere down in +California. He's got one pet orchid that I heard cost twelve thousand +dollars--I don't know why. But he's very happy living his own life. The +last I heard of mother she was exploring the headwaters of the Amazon +River, hunting crocodiles and jaguars and natives, and so on. + +"She was a good old sport, though. She showed that by the way she +simmered down about Cousin Egbert's cat before she left. At first, she +wanted to lay for it and put a bullet through its cowardly heart. Then +she must of seen the laugh was on her, all right; for what did she do? +Why, the last thing she done was to box up all these silver cups her +beagles had won and send 'em over to Kate, in care of his owner--all the +eye-cups and custard bowls, and so on. Cousin Egbert shows 'em off to +every one. + +"'Just a few cups that Kate won,' he'll say. 'I want to tell you he's +some beetle-cat! Look what he's come up to--and out of nothing, you +might say!'" + + + + +VIII + +PETE'S B'OTHER-IN-LAW + + +On the Arrowhead Ranch it was noon by the bell that Lew Wee loves to +clang. It may have been half an hour earlier or later on other ranches, +for Lew Wee is no petty precisian. Ma Pettengill had ridden off at dawn; +and, rather than eat luncheon in solitary state, I joined her retainers +for the meal in the big kitchen, which is one of my prized privileges. A +dozen of us sat at the long oilcloth-covered table and assuaged the more +urgent pangs of hunger in a haste that was speechless and far from +hygienic. No man of us chewed the new beef a proper number of times; he +swallowed intently and reached for more. It was rather like twenty +minutes for dinner at what our railway laureates call an eating house. +Lew Wee shuffled in bored nonchalance between range and table. It was an +old story to him. + +The meal might have gone to a silent end, though moderating in pace; but +we had with us to-day--as a toastmaster will put it--the young +veterinary from Spokane. This made for talk after actual starvation had +been averted--fragmentary gossip of the great city; of neighbouring +ranches in the valley, where professional duty had called him; of +Adolph, our milk-strain Durham bull, whose indisposition had brought him +several times to Arrowhead; and then of Squat, our youngest cowboy, from +whose fair brow the intrepid veterinary, on his last previous visit, had +removed a sizable and embarrassing wen with what looked to me like a +pair of pruning shears. + +The feat had excited much uncheerful comment among Squat's _confrères_, +bets being freely offered that he would be disfigured for life, even if +he survived; and what was the sense of monkeying with a thing like that +when you could pull your hat down over it? Of course you couldn't wear a +derby with it; but no one but a darned town dude would ever want to wear +a derby hat, anyway, and the trouble with Squat was, he wished to be +pretty. It was dollars to doughnuts the thing would come right back +again, twice as big as ever, and better well enough alone. But Squat, +who is also known as Timberline, and is, therefore, a lanky six feet +three, is young and sensitive and hopeful, and the veterinary is a +matchless optimist; and the thing had been brought to a happy +conclusion. + +Squat, being now warmly urged, blushingly turned his head from side to +side that all might remark how neatly his scar had healed. The +veterinary said it had healed by first intention; that it was as pretty +a job as he'd ever done on man or beast; and that Squat would be more of +a hit then ever with the ladies because of this interesting chapter in +his young life. Then something like envy shone in the eyes of those who +had lately disparaged Squat for presuming to thwart the will of God; I +detected in more than one man there the secret wish that he had +something for this ardent expert to eliminate. Squat continued to blush +pleasurably and to bolt his food until another topic diverted this +entirely respectful attention from him. The veterinary asked if we had +heard about the Indian ruction down at Kulanche last night--Kulanche +Springs being the only pretense to a town between our ranch and Red +Gap--a post-office, three general stores, a score of dwellings, and a +low drinking place known as The Swede's. The news had not come to us; so +the veterinary obliged. A dozen Indians, drifting into the valley for +the haying about to begin, had tarried near Kulanche and bought whiskey +of the Swede. The selling of this was a lawless proceeding and the +consumption of it by the purchasers had been hazardous in the extreme. +Briefly, the result had been what is called in newspaper headlines a +stabbing affray. I quote from our guest's recital: + + "Then, after they got calmed down and hid their knives, and it + looked peaceful again, they decided to start all over; but the + liquor was out, so that old scar-faced Pyann jumps on a pony and + rides over from the camp for a fresh supply. He pulled up out in + front of the Swede's and yelled for three bottles to be brought out + to him, pronto! If he'd sneaked round to the back door and + whispered he'd have got it all right, but this was a little too + brash, because there were about a dozen men in the bar and the + Swede was afraid to sell an Injin whiskey so openly. All he could + do was go to the door and tell this pickled aborigine that he never + sold whiskey to Injins and to get the hell out of there! Pyann + called the Swede a liar and some other things, mentioning dates, + and started to climb off his pony, very ugly. + + "The Swede wasn't going to argue about it, because we'd all come + out in front to listen; so he pulled his gun and let it off over + Pyann's head; and a couple of the boys did the same thing, and that + started the rest--about six others had guns--till it sounded like a + bunch of giant crackers going off. Old Pyann left in haste, all + right. He was flattened out on his pony till he looked like a + plaster. + + "We didn't hear any more of him last night, but coming up here this + morning I found out he'd done a regular Paul Revere ride to save + his people; he rode clear up as far as that last camp, just below + here, on your place, yelling to every Injin he passed that they'd + better take to the brush, because the whites had broken out at + Kulanche. At that, the Swede ought to be sent up, knowing they'll + fight every time he sells them whiskey. Two of these last night + were bad cut in this rumpus." + +"Yes; and he'd ought to be sent up for life for selling it to white men, +too--the kind he sells." This was Sandy Sawtelle, speaking as one who +knew and with every sign of conviction. "It sure is enterprising +whiskey. Three drinks of it make a decent man want to kill his little +golden-haired baby sister with an axe. Say, here's a good one--lemme +tell you! I remember the first time, about three, four years ago--" + +The speaker was interrupted--it seemed to me with intentional rudeness. +One man hurriedly wished to know who did the cutting last night; +another, if the wounded would recover; and a third, if Pete, an aged red +vassal of our own ranch, had been involved. Each of the three flashed a +bored glance at Sandy as he again tried for speech: + +"Well, as I was saying, I remember the first time, about three, four +years ago--" + +"If old Pete was down there I bet his brother-in-law did most of the +knifework," put in Buck Devine firmly. + +It was to be seen that they all knew what Sandy remembered the first +time and wished not to hear it again. Others of them now sought to +stifle the memoir, while Sandy waited doggedly for the tide to ebb. I +gathered that our Pete had not been one of the restive convives, he +being known to have spent a quiet home evening with his mahala and their +numerous descendants, in their camp back of the wood lot; I also +gathered that Pete's brother-in-law had committed no crime since Pete +quit drinking two years before. There was veiled mystery in these +allusions to the brother-in-law of Pete. It was almost plain that the +brother-in-law was a lawless person for whose offenses Pete had more +than once been unjustly blamed. I awaited details; but meantime-- + +"Well, as I was saying, I remember the first time, about three, four +years ago--" + +Sandy had again dodged through a breach in the talk, quite as if nothing +had happened. Buck Devine groaned as if in unbearable anguish. The +others also groaned as if in unbearable anguish. Only the veterinary and +I were polite. + +"Oh, let him get it offen his chest," urged Buck wearily. "He'll perish +if he don't--having two men here that never heard him tell it." He +turned upon the raconteur, with a large sweetness of manner: "Excuse me, +Mr. Sawtelle! Pray do go on with your thrilling reminiscence. I could +just die listening to you. I believe you was wishing to entertain the +company with one of them anecdotes or lies of which you have so rich a +store in that there peaked dome of yours. Gents, a moment's silence +while this rare personality unfolds hisself to us!" + +"Say, lemme tell you--here's a good one!" resumed the still placid +Sandy. "I remember the first time, about three, four years ago, I ever +went into The Swede's. A stranger goes in just ahead of me and gets to +the bar before I do, kind of a solemn-looking, sandy-complected little +runt in black clothes. + +"'A little of your best cooking whiskey,' says he to the Swede, while +I'm waiting beside him for my own drink. + +"The Swede sets out the bottle and glass and a whisk broom on the bar. +That was sure a new combination on me. 'Why the whisk broom?' I says to +myself. 'I been in lots of swell dives and never see no whisk broom +served with a drink before.' So I watch. Well, this sad-looking sot +pours out his liquor, shoots it into him with one tip of the glass; and, +like he'd been shot, he falls flat on the floor, all bent up in a +convulsion--yes, sir; just like that! And the Swede not even looking +over the bar at him! + +"In a minute he comes out of this here fit, gets on his feet and up to +the bar, grabs the whisk broom, brushes the dust off his clothes where +he's rolled on the floor, puts back the whisk broom, says, 'So long, +Ed!' to the Swede--and goes out in a very businesslike manner. + +"Then the Swede shoves the bottle and a glass and the whisk broom over +in front of me, but I says: 'No, thanks! I just come in to pass the time +of day. Lovely weather we're having, ain't it?' Yes, sir; down he goes +like he's shot, wriggles a minute, jumps up, dusts hisself off, flies +out the door; and the Swede passing me the same bottle and the same +broom, and me saying: 'Oh, I just come in to pass the time of--'" + +The veterinary and I had been gravely attentive. The faces of the others +wore not even the tribute of pretended ennui. They had betrayed an +elaborate deafness. They now affected to believe that Sandy Sawtelle +had not related an anecdote. They spoke casually and with an effect of +polished ease while yet here capitulated, as tale-tellers so often will. + +"I remember a kid, name of Henry Lippincott, used to set in front of me +at school," began Buck Devine, with the air of delicately breaking a +long silence; "he'd wiggle his ears and get me to laughing out loud, and +then I'd be called up for it by teacher and like as not kept in at +recess." + +"You ought to seen that bunch of tame alligators down to the San +Francisco Fair," observed Squat genially. "The old boy that had 'em says +'Oh, yes, they would make fine pets, and don't I want a couple for ten +dollars to take home to the little ones?' But I don't. You come right +down to household pets--I ruther have me a white rabbit or a canary bird +than an alligator you could step on in the dark some night and get all +bit up, and mebbe blood poison set in." + +"I recollect same as if it was yesterday," began Uncle Abner quickly. +"We was coming up through northern Arizona one fall, with a bunch of +longhorns and we make this here water hole about four P.M.--or mebbe a +mite after that or a little before; but, anyway, I says to Jeff Bradley, +'Jeff,' I says to him, 'it looks to me almighty like--'" + +Sandy Sawtelle savagely demanded a cup of coffee, gulped it heroically, +rose in a virtuous hurry, and at the door wondered loudly if he was +leaving a bunch of rich millionaires that had nothing to do but loaf in +their club all the afternoon and lie their heads off, or just a passell +of lazy no-good cowhands that laid down on the job the minute the boss +stepped off the place. Whereupon, it being felt that the rabid +anecdotist had been sufficiently rebuked, we all went out to help the +veterinary look at Adolph for twenty minutes more. + +Adolph is four years old and weighs one ton. He has a frowning and +fearsome front and the spirit of a friendly puppy. The Arrowhead force +loafed about in the corral and imparted of its own lore to the +veterinary while he took Adolph's temperature. Then Adolph, after nosing +three of the men to have his head rubbed, went to stand in the +rush-grown pool at the far end of the corral, which the gallery took to +mean that he still had a bit of fever, no matter what the glass thing +said. + +The veterinary opposed a masterly silence to this majority diagnosis, +and in the absence of argument about it there seemed nothing left for +the Arrowhead retainers but the toil for which they were paid. They went +to it lingeringly, one by one, seeming to feel that perhaps they wronged +the ailing Adolph by not staying there to talk him over. + +Uncle Abner, who is the Arrowhead blacksmith, was the last to leave--or +think of leaving--though he had mule shoes to shape and many mules to +shoe. He glanced wistfully again at Adolph, in cool water to his knees, +tugged at his yellowish-white beard, said it was a dog's life, if any +one should ask me, and was about to slump mournfully off to his +shop--when his eye suddenly brightened. + +"Will you look once at that poor degraded red heathen, acting like a +whirlwind over in the woodlot?" + +I looked once. Pete, our Indian, was apparently the sole being on the +ranch at that moment who was honestly earning his wage. No one knows how +many more than eighty years Pete has lived; but from where we stood he +was the figure of puissant youth, rhythmically flashing his axe into +bits of wood that flew apart at its touch. Uncle Abner, beside me, had +again shrugged off the dread incubus of duty. He let himself go +restfully against the corral bars and chuckled a note of harsh derision. + +"Ain't it disgusting! I bet he never saw the boss when she rode off this +A.M. Yes, sir; that poor benighted pagan must think she's still in the +house--prob'ly watching him out of the east winder this very minute." + +"What's this about his brother-in-law?" I asked. + +"Oh, I dunno; some silly game he tries to come the roots over folks +with. Say, he's a regular old murderer, and not an honest hair in his +head! Look at the old cheat letting on to be a good steady worker +because he thinks the boss is in the house there, keeping an eye on him. +Ain't it downright disgusting!" + +Uncle Abner said this as one supremely conscious of his own virtue. He +himself was descending to no foul pretense. + +"A murderer, is he?" + +I opened my cigarette case to the man of probity. He took two, crumpled +the tobacco from the papers and stuffed it into his calabash pipe. + +"Sure is he a murderer! A tough one, too." + +The speaker moved round a corner of the barn and relaxed to a sitting +posture on the platform of the pump. It brought him into the sun; but it +also brought him where he could see far down the road upon which his +returning employer would eventually appear. His eyes ever haunted the +far vistas of that road; otherwise he remained blissfully static. + +It should perhaps be frankly admitted that Uncle Abner is not the +blacksmith of song and story and lithographed art treasure, suitable for +framing. That I have never beheld this traditional smith--the rugged, +upstanding tower of brawn with muscles like iron bands--is beside the +point. I have not looked upon all the blacksmiths in the world, and he +may exist. But Uncle Abner can't pose for him. He weighs a hundred and +twenty pounds without his hammer, is lean to scrawniness, and his arms +are those of the boys you see at the track meet of Lincoln Grammar +School Number Seven. The mutilated derby hat he now wore, a hat that had +been weathered from plum colour to a poisonous green--a shred of peacock +feather stuck in the band--lent his face no dignity whatever. + +In truth, his was not an easy face to lend dignity to. It would still +look foolish, no matter what was lent it. He has a smug fringe of white +curls about the back and sides of his head, the beard of a prophet, and +the ready speech of a town bore. The blacksmith we read of can look the +whole world in the face, fears not any man, and would far rather do +honest smithing any day in the week--except Sunday--than live the life +of sinful ease that Uncle Abner was leading for the moment. + +Uncle Abner may have feared no man; but he feared a woman. It was easy +to see this as he chatted the golden hours away to me. His pale eyes +seldom left the road where it came over a distant hill. When the woman +did arrive--Oh, surely the merry clang of the hammer on the anvil would +be heard in Abner's shop, where he led a dog's life. But, for a time at +least-- + +"So he's one of these tough murderers, is he?" + +"You said it! Always a-creating of disturbances up on the reservation, +where he rightly belongs. Mebbe that's why they let him go off. Anyway, +he never stays there. Even in his young days they tell me he wouldn't +stay put. He'd disappear for a month and always come back with a new +wife. Talk about your Mormons! One time they sent out a new agent to the +reservation, and he hears talk back and forth of Pete philandering +thisaway; and he had his orders from the Gov'ment at Washington, D.C., +to stamp out this here poly-gamy--or whatever you call it; so he orders +Pete up on the carpet and says to him: 'Look here now, Pete! You got a +regular wife, ain't you?' Pete says sure he has; and how could he say +anything else--the old liar! 'Well,' says Mr. Agent, 'I want you to get +this one regular wife of yours and lead a decent, orderly home life with +her; and don't let me hear no more scandalous reports about your goings +on.' + +"Pete says all right; but he allows he'll have to have help in getting +her back home, because she's got kind of antagonistic and left him. The +agent says he'll put a stop to that if Pete'll just point her out. So +they ride down about a mile from the agency to a shack where they's a +young squaw out in front graining a deerhide and minding her own +business. She looked up when they come and started to jaw Pete something +fierce; but the agent tells her the Gov'ment frowns on wives running +off, and Pete grabbed her; and the agent he helps, with her screeching +and biting and clawing like a female demon. The agent is going to see +that Pete has his rights, even if it don't seem like a joyous household; +and finally they get her scrambled onto Pete's horse in front of him and +off they go up the trail. The agent yells after 'em that Pete is to +remember that this is his regular wife and he'd better behave himself +from now on. + +"And then about sunup next morning this agent is woke up by a pounding +on his door. He goes down and here's Pete clawed to a frazzle and +whimpering for the law's protection because his squaw has chased him +over the reservation all night trying to kill him. She'd near done it, +too. They say old Pete was so scared the agent had to soothe him like a +mother." + +Uncle Abner paused to relight his pipe, meantime negotiating a doubly +vigilant survey of the distant road. But I considered that he had told +me nothing to the discredit of Pete, and now said as much. + +"You couldn't blame the man for wanting his wife back, could you?" I +demanded. "Of course he might have been more tactful." + +"Tactful's the word," agreed Uncle Abner cordially. "You see, this +wasn't Pete's wife at all. She was just a young squaw he'd took a fancy +to." + +"Oh!" Nothing else seemed quite so fitting to say. + +"'Nother time," resumed the honest blacksmith, "the Gov'ment at +Washington, D.C., sent out orders for all the Injun kids to be sent off +to school. Lots of the fathers made trouble about this, but Pete was the +worst of all--the old scoundrel! The agent said to him would Pete send +his kids peaceful; and Pete said not by no means. So the agent says in +that case they'll have to take 'em by force. Pete says he'll be right +there a-plenty when they're took by force. So next day the agent and his +helper go down to Pete's tepee. It's pitched up on a bank just off the +road and they's a low barrier of brush acrost the front of it. They look +close at this and see the muzzle of a rifle peeking down at 'em; also, +they can hear little scramblings and squealings of about a dozen or +fourteen kids in the tepee that was likely nestled up round the old +murderer like a bunch of young quail. + +"Well, they was something kind of cold and cheerless about the muzzle of +this rifle poked through the brush at 'em; so the agent starts in and +makes a regular agent speech to Pete. He says the Great White Father at +Washington, D.C., has wished his children to be give an English +education and learnt to write a good business hand, and all like that; +and read books, and so on; and the Great White Father will be peeved if +Pete takes it in this rough way. And the agent is disappointed in him, +too, and will never again think the same of his old friend, and why +can't he be nice and submit to the decencies of civilization--and so +on--a lot of guff like that; but all the time he talks this here rifle +is pointing right into his chest, so you can bet he don't make no false +motions. + +"At last, when he's told Pete all the reasons he can think up and +guesses mebbe he's got the old boy going, he winds up by saying: 'And +now what shall I tell the Great White Father at Washington you say to +his kind words?' Old Pete, still not moving the rifle a hair's breadth, +he calls out: 'You tell the Great White Father at Washington to go to +hell!' Yes, sir; just like that he says it; and I guess that shows you +what kind of a murderer he is. And what I allus say is, 'what's the use +of spending us taxpayers' good money trying to educate trash like that, +when they ain't got no sense of decency in the first place, and the +minute they learn to talk English they begin to curse and swear as bad +as a white man? They got no wish to improve their condition, which is +what I allus have said and what I allus will say. + +"Anyway, this agent didn't waste no more time on Pete's brats. He come +right away from there, though telling his helper it was a great pity +they couldn't have got a good look into the tepee, because then they'd +have known for the first time just what kids round there Pete really +considered his. Of course he hadn't felt he should lay down his life in +the interests of this trifling information, and I don't blame him one +bit. I wouldn't have done it myself. You can't tell me a reservation +with Pete on it would be any nice place. Look at the old crook now, +still lamming that axe round to beat the cars because he thinks he's +being watched! I bet he'll be mad down to his moccasins when he finds +out the Old Lady's been off all day." + +Uncle Abner yawned and stretched his sun-baked form with weary +rectitude. Then he looked with pleased dismay into the face of his +silver watch. + +"Now, I snum! Here she's two-thirty! Don't it beat all how time flits +by, as it were, when you meet a good conversationalist and get started +on various topics! Well, I guess like as not I better amble along over +toward the little shop and see if they ain't some little thing to be +puttered at round there. Yes, sir; all play and no work makes Jack a +dull boy, as the saying is." + +The honest fellow achieved a few faltering paces in the general +direction of his shop. Then he turned brightly. + +"A joke's a joke, all right; but, after all, I hate to see old Pete +working hisself into the grave that way, even if he ain't a regular +human being. Suppose you loaf over there and put him wise that the +Madam's been off the place since sunup. The laugh's on him enough +already." + +Which showed that Uncle Abner had not really a bad heart. And I did even +as he had said. + + * * * * * + +Pete was instantly stilled by my brief but informing speech. He leaned +upon his axe and gazed at me with shocked wonder. The face of the +American Indian is said to be unrevealing--to be a stoic mask under +which his emotions are ever hidden. For a second time this day I found +tradition at fault. Pete's face was lively and eloquent under his shock +of dead-black hair--dead black but for half a dozen gray or grayish +strands, for Pete's eighty years have told upon him, even if he is not +yet sufficiently gray at the temples to be a hero in a magazine costing +over fifteen cents. His face is a richly burnished mahogany and tells +little of his years until he smiles; then from brow to pointed chin it +cracks into a million tiny wrinkles, an intricate network of them +framing his little black eyes, which are lashless, and radiating from +the small mouth to the high cheek bones of his race. + +His look as he eyed me became utter consternation; then humour slowly +lightened the little eyes. He lifted the eyes straight into the glare of +the undimmed sun; nor did they blink as they noted the hour. "My good +gosh!" he muttered; then stalked slowly round the pile of stove wood +that had been spreading since morning. He seemed aggrieved--yet +humorously aggrieved--as he noted its noble dimensions. He cast away the +axe and retrieved some outflung sticks, which he cunningly adjusted to +the main pile to make it appear still larger to the casual eye. + +"My good gosh!" he muttered again. "My old mahala she tell me Old Lady +Pettengill go off early this morning; but I think she make one big +mistake. Now what you know about that?" He smiled winningly now and +became a very old man indeed, the smile lighting the myriad minute +wrinkles that instantly came to life. Again he ruefully surveyed the +morning's work. "I think that caps the climax," said he, and grimanced +humorous dismay for the entertainment of us both. + +I opened my cigarette case to him. Like his late critic, Pete availed +himself of two, though he had not the excuse of a pipe to be filled. One +he coyly tucked above his left ear and one he lighted. Then he sat +gracefully back upon his heels and drew smoke into his innermost +recesses, a shrunken little figure of a man in a calico shirt of gay +stripes, faded blue overalls, and shoes that were remarkable as ruins. +With a pointed chip in the slender fingers of one lean brown hand--a +narrow hand of quite feminine delicacy--he cleared the ground of other +chips and drew small figures in the earth. + +"Some of your people cut up in a fight down at Kulanche last night," I +remarked after a moment of courteous waiting. + +"Mebbe," said Pete, noncommittal. + +"Were you down there?" + +"I never kill a man with a knife," said Pete; "that ain't my belief." + +He left an opening that tempted, but I thought it wise to ignore that +for the moment. + +"You an old man, Pete?" + +"Mebbe." + +"How old?" + +"Oh, so-so." + +"You remember a long time ago--how long?" + +He drew a square in his cleared patch of earth, subdivided it into +little squares, and dotted each of these in the centre before he spoke. + +"When Modocs have big soldier fight." + +"You a Modoc?" + +"B'lieve me!" + +"When Captain Jack fought the soldiers over in the Lava Beds?" + +"Some fight--b'lieve me!" said Pete, erasing his square and starting a +circle. + +"You fight, too?" + +"Too small; I do little odd jobs--when big Injin kill soldier I skin um +head." + +I begged for further items, but Pete seemed to feel that he had been +already verbose. He dismissed the historic action with a wise saying: + +"Killing soldiers all right; but it don't settle nothing." He drew a +triangle. + +Indelicately then I pried into his spiritual life. + +"You a Christian, Pete?" + +"Injin-Christian," he amended--as one would say +"Progressive-Republican." + +"Believe in God?" + +"Two." This was a guarded admission; I caught his side glance. + +"Which ones?" I asked it cordially; and Pete smiled as one who detects a +brother liberal in theology. + +"Injin God; Christian God. Injin God go like this--" He brushed out his +latest figure and drew a straight line a foot long. And Christian God go +so--he drew a second straight line perpendicular to the first. I was +made to see the line of his own God extending over the earth some fifty +feet above its surface, while the line of the Christian God went +straight and endlessly into the heavens. "Injin God stay +close--Christian God go straight up. Whoosh!" He looked toward the +zenith to indicate the vanishing line. "I think mebbe both O.K. You +think both O.K.?" + +"Mebbe," I said. + +Pete retraced the horizontal line of his own God and the perpendicular +line of the other. + +"Funny business," said he tolerantly. + +"Funny business," I echoed. And then--the moment seeming ripe for +intimate personal research: "Pete, how about that brother-in-law of +yours? Is he a one-God Christian or a two-God, like you?" + +He hurriedly brushed out his lines, flashed me one of his uneasy side +glances, and seemed not to have heard my question. He sprang lightly +from his heels, affected to scan a murky cloud-bank to the south, +ignited his second cigarette from the first, and seemed relieved by the +actual diversion of Laura, his present lawful consort, now plodding +along the road just outside the fence. + +Laura is ponderous and billowy, and her moonlike face of rusty bronze is +lined to show that she, too, has gone down a little into the vale of +years. She was swathed in many skirts, her shoulders enveloped by a +neutral-tinted shawl, and upon her head was a modist toque of light +straw, garlanded with pink roses. This may have been her hunt constume, +for the carcasses of two slain rabbits swung jauntily from her girdle. +She undulated by us with no sign. Pete's glistening little eyes lingered +in appraisal upon her noble rotundities and her dangling quarry. Then, +with a graceful flourish of the new cigarette, he paid tribute to the +ancient fair. + +"That old mahala of mine, she not able to chew much now; but she's some +swell chicken--b'lieve me!" + +I persisted in the impertinence he had sought to turn. + +"How about this brother-in-law of yours, Pete?" + +Again he was deaf. He picked up his axe, appearing to weigh the +resumption of his task against a reply to this straight question. He +must have found the alternative too dreadful; he leaned upon the axe, +thus winning something of the dignity of labour, with none of its pains, +and grudgingly asked: + +"Mebbe some liars tell you in conversation about that old +b'other-in-law?" + +"Of course! Many nice people tell me every day. They tell me all about +him. I rather hear you tell me. Is he a Christian?" + +"He's one son-of-gun, pure and simple--that old feller. He caps the +climax." + +"Yes; I know all about that. He's a bad man. I hear everything about +him. Now you tell me again. You can tell better than liars." + +"One genuine son-of-gun!" persisted Pete, shrewdly keeping to general +terms. + +"Oh, very well!" I rose from the log I was sitting on, yawning my +indifference. "I know everything he ever did. Other people tell me all +the time." + +I moved off a few steps under the watchful side glance. It worked. One +of Pete's slim, womanish hands fluttered up in a movement of arrest. + +"Those liars tell you about one time he shoot white man off horse going +by?" + +"Certainly!" + +"That white man still have smallpox to give all Injins he travel to; so +they go 'n' vote who kill him off quick, and my b'other-in-law he win +it." + +I tried to look as if this were a bit of stale gossip. + +"Then whites raise hell to say Pete he do same. What you know about +that? My old b'other-in-law send word he do same--twenty, fifty Injin +witness tell he said so--and now he gon' hide far off. Dep'ty sheriff +can't find him. That son-of-gun come back next year, raise big fight +over one span mules with Injin named Walter that steal my mules out of +pasture; and Walter not get well from it--so whites say yes, old Pete +done that same killing scrape to have his mules again; plain as the nose +on the face old Pete do same. But I catch plenty Injin witness see my +b'other-in-law do same, and I think they can't catch him another time +once more, because they look in all places he ain't. I think plenty too +much trouble he make all time for me--perform something not nice and get +found out about it; and all people say, Oh, yes--that old Pete he's at +tricks again; he better get sent to Walla Walla, learn some good trade +in prison for eighteen years. That b'other-in-law cap the climax! He +know all good place to hide from dep'ty sheriff, so not be found when +badly wanted--the son-of-gun!" + +Pete's face now told that, despite the proper loathing inspired by his +misdeeds, this brother-in-law compelled a certain horrid admiration for +his gift of elusiveness. + +"What's your brother-in-law's name?" + +Pete deliberated gravely. + +"In my opinion his name Edward; mebbe Sam, mebbe Charlie; I think more +it's Albert." + +"Well, what about that next time he broke out?" + +"Whoosh! Damn no-good squaw man get all Injins drunk on whiskey; then +play poker with four aces. 'What you got? No good--four aces--hard +luck--deal 'em up!'" Pete's flexible wrists here flashed in pantomime. +"Pretty soon Injin got no mules, no blanket, no spring wagon, no gun, no +new boots, no nine dollars my old mahala gets paid for three bushel wild +plums from Old Lady Pettengill to make canned goods of--only got one big +sick head from all night; see four aces, four kings, four jacks. 'What +you got, Pete? No good. Full house here. Hard luck--my deal. Have +another drink, old top!'" + +"Well, what did your brother-in-law do when he heard about this?" + +"Something!" + +"Shoot?" + +"Naw; got no gun left. Choke him on the neck--I think this way." + +The supple hands of Pete here clutched his corded throat, fingertips +meeting at the back, and two potent thumbs uniting in a sinister +pressure upon his Adam's apple. To further enlarge my understanding he +contorted his face unprettily. From rolling eyes and outthrust tongue it +was apparent that the squaw man had survived long enough to regret the +inveteracy of his good luck at cards. + +"Then what?" + +"Man tell you before?" He eyed me with frank suspicion. + +"Certainly; you tell, too!" + +"That b'other-in-law he win everything back this poor squaw man don't +need no more, and son-of-gun beat it quick; so all liars say Old Pete +turn that trick, but can't prove same, because my b'other-in-law do same +in solitude. And old judge say: 'Oh, well, can't prove same in +courthouse, and only good squaw man is dead squaw man; so +what-the-bad-place!' I think mebbe." + +"Go on; what about that next time?" + +"You know already," said Pete firmly. + +"You tell, too." + +He pondered this, his keen little eyes searching my face as he pensively +fondled the axe. + +"You know about this time that son-of-gun go 'n' kill a bright lawyer in +Red Gap? I think that cap the climax!" + +"Certainly, I know!" This with bored impatience. + +"I think, then, you tell me." His seamed face was radiant with cunning. + +"What's the use? You know it already." + +He countered swiftly: + +"What's use I tell you--you know already." + +I yawned again flagrantly. + +"Now you tell in your own way how this trouble first begin," persisted +Pete rather astonishingly. He seemed to quote from memory. + +Once more I yawned, turning coldly away. + +"You tell in your own words," he was again gently urging; but on the +instant his axe began to rain blows upon the log at his feet. + +Sounds of honest toil were once more to be heard in the wood lot; and, +though I could not hear the other, I surmised that the sledge of Uncle +Abner now rang merrily upon his anvil. Both he and Pete had doubtless +noted at the same moment the approach of Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, +who was spurring her jaded roan up the long rise from the creek bottom. + + * * * * * + +My stalwart hostess, entirely masculine to the eye from a little +distance, strode up from the corral, waved a quirt at me in greeting, +indicated by another gesture that she was dusty and tired, and vanished +briskly within the ranch house. Half an hour later she joined me in the +living-room, where I had trifled with ancient magazines and stock +journals on the big table. Laced boots, riding breeches, and army shirt +had gone for a polychrome and trailing tea gown, black satin slippers, +flashing rhinestone rosettes, and silk stockings of a sinful scarlet. +She wore a lace boudoir cap, plenteously beribboned, and her sunburned +nose had been lavishly powdered. She looked now merely like an indulged +matron whose most poignant worry would be a sick Pomeranian or +overnight losses at bridge. She wished to know whether I would have tea +with her. I would. + +Tea consisted of bottled beer from the spring house, half a ham, and a +loaf of bread. It should be said that her behaviour toward these +dainties, when they had been assembled, made her seem much less the worn +social leader. There was practically no talk for ten active minutes. A +high-geared camera would have caught everything of value in the scene. +It was only as I decanted a second bottle of beer for the woman that she +seemed to regain consciousness of her surroundings. The spirit of her +first attack upon the food had waned. She did fashion another sandwich +of a rugged pattern, but there was a hint of the dilettante in her work. + +And now she spoke. Her gaze upon the magazines of yesteryear massed at +the lower end of the table, she declared they must all be scrapped, +because they too painfully reminded her of a dentist's waiting-room. She +wondered if there mustn't be a law against a dentist having in his +possession a magazine less than ten years old. She suspected as much. + +"There I'll be sitting in Doc Martingale's office waiting for him to +kill me by inches, and I pick up a magazine to get my mind off my fate +and find I'm reading a timely article, with illustrations, about +Cervera's fleet being bottled up in the Harbour of Santiago. I bet he's +got Godey's Lady's Book for 1862 round there, if you looked for it." + +Now a brief interlude for the ingestion of malt liquor, followed by a +pained recital of certain complications of the morning. + +"That darned one-horse post-office down to Kulanche! What do you think? +I wanted to send a postal card to the North American Cleaning and Dye +Works, at Red Gap, for some stuff they been holding out on me a month, +and that office didn't have a single card in stock--nothing but some of +these fancy ones in a rack over on the grocery counter; horrible things +with pictures of brides and grooms on 'em in coloured costumes, with +sickening smiles on their faces, and others with wedding bells ringing +out or two doves swinging in a wreath of flowers--all of 'em having +mushy messages underneath; and me having to send this card to the North +American Cleaning and Dye Works, which is run by Otto Birdsall, a +smirking old widower, that uses hair oil and perfumery, and imagines +every woman in town is mad about him. + +"The mildest card I could find was covered with red and purple +cauliflowers or something, and it said in silver print: 'With fondest +remembrance!' Think of that going through the Red Gap post-office to be +read by old Mis' Terwilliger, that some say will even open letters that +look interesting--to say nothing of its going to this fresh old Otto +Birdsall, that tried to hold my hand once not so many years ago. + +"You bet I made the written part strong enough not to give him or any +other party a wrong notion of my sentiments toward him. At that, I guess +Otto wouldn't make any mistake since the time I give him hell last +summer for putting my evening gowns in his show window every time he'd +clean one, just to show off his work. It looked so kind of indelicate +seeing an empty dress hung up there that every soul in town knew +belonged to me. + +"What's that? Oh, I wrote on the card that if this stuff of mine don't +come up on the next stage I'll be right down there, and when I'm through +handling him he'll be able to say truthfully that he ain't got a gray +hair in his head. I guess Otto will know my intentions are honest, in +spite of that 'fondest remembrance.' + +"Then, on top of that, I had a run-in with the Swede for selling his +rotten whiskey to them poor Injin boys that had a fight last night after +they got tight on it. The Swede laughs and says nobody can prove he sold +'em a drop, and I says that's probably true. I says it's always hard to +prove things. 'For instance,' I says, 'if they's another drop of liquor +sold to an Injin during this haying time, and a couple or three nights +after that your nasty dump here is set fire to in six places, and some +cowardly assassin out in the brush picks you off with a rifle when you +rush out--it will be mighty hard to prove that anybody did that, too; +and you not caring whether it's proved or not, for that matter. + +[Illustration: "THE SWEDE BRISTLES UP AND SAYS: 'THAT SOUNDS LIKE +FIGHTING TALK!' I SAYS: 'YOUR HEARING IS PERFECT.'"] + +"'In fact,' I says, 'I don't suppose anybody would take the trouble to +prove it, even if it could be easy proved. You'd note a singular lack of +public interest in it--if you was spared to us. I guess about as far as +an investigation would ever get--the coroner's jury would say it was the +work of Pete's brother-in-law; and you know what that would mean.' The +Swede bristles up and says: 'That sounds like fighting talk!' I says: +'Your hearing is perfect.' I left him thinking hard." + +"Pete's brother-in-law? That reminds me," I said. "Pete was telling me +about him just--I mean during his lunch hour; but he had to go to work +again just at the beginning of something that sounded good--about the +time he was going to kill a bright lawyer. What was that?" + +The glass was drained and Ma Pettengill eyed the inconsiderable remains +of the ham with something like repugnance. She averted her face from it, +lay back in the armchair she had chosen, and rolled a cigarette, while I +brought a hassock for the jewelled slippers and the scarlet silken +ankles, so ill-befitting one of her age. The cigarette was presently +burning. + +"I guess Pete's b'other-in-law, as he calls him, won't come into these +parts again. He had a kind of narrow squeak this last time. Pete done +something pretty raw, even for this liberal-minded community. He got +scared about it himself and left the country for a couple of +months--looking for his brother-in-law, he said. He beat it up North and +got in with a bunch of other Injins that was being took down to New York +City to advertise a railroad, Pete looking like what folks think an +Injin ought to look when he's dressed for the part. But he got homesick; +and, anyway, he didn't like the job. + +"This passenger agent that took 'em East put 'em up at one of the big +hotels all right, but he subjects 'em to hardships they ain't used to. +He wouldn't let 'em talk much English, except to say, 'Ugh! Ugh!'--like +Injins are supposed to--with a few remarks about the Great Spirit; and +not only that, but he makes 'em wear blankets and paint their faces--an +Injin without paint and blanket and some beadwork seeming to a general +passenger agent like a state capitol without a dome. And on top of these +outrages he puts it up with the press agent of this big hotel to have +the poor things sleep up on the roof, right in the open air, so them jay +New York newspapers would fall for it and print articles about these +hardy sons of the forest, the last of a vanishing race, being stifled by +walls--with the names of the railroad and the hotel coming out good and +strong all through the piece. + +"Three of the poor things got pneumonia, not being used to such +exposure; and Pete himself took a bad cold, and got mad and quit the +job. They find him a couple of days later, in a check suit and white +shoes and a golf cap, playing pool in a saloon over on Eighth Avenue, +and ship him back as a disgrace to the Far West and a great common +carrier. + +"He got in here one night, me being his best friend, and we talked it +over. I advised him to go down and give himself up and have it over; +and he agreed, and went down to Red Gap the next day in his new clothes +and knocked at the jail door. He made a long talk about how his +brother-in-law was the man that really done it, and he's been searching +for him clear over to the rising sun, but can't find him; so he's come +to give himself up, even if they ain't got the least grounds to suspect +him--and can he have his trial for murder over that afternoon, so he can +come back up here the next day and go to work? + +"They locked him up and Judge Ballard appointed J. Waldo Snyder to +defend him. He was a new young lawyer from the East that had just come +to Red Gap, highly ambitious and full of devices for showing that +parties couldn't have been in their right mind when they committed the +deed--see the State against Jamstucker, New York Reports Number 23, +pages 19 to 78 inclusive. + +"Oh, he told me all about it up in his office one day--how he was going +to get Pete off. Ain't lawyers the goods, though! And doctors? This J.W. +Snyder had a doctor ready to swear that Pete was nutty when he fired the +shot, even if not before nor after. When I was a kid at school, back in +Fredonia, New York State, we used to have debates about which does the +most harm--fire or water? Nowadays I bet they'd have: Which does the +most harm--doctors or lawyers? Well, anyway, there Pete was in +jail--" + +"Please tell in your own simple words just how this trouble began," I +broke in. "What did Pete fire the shot for and who stopped it? Now +then!" + +"What! Don't you know about that? Well, well! So you never heard about +Pete sending this medicine man over the one-way trail? I'll have to tell +you, then. It was three years ago. Pete was camped about nine miles the +other side of Kulanche, on the Corporation Ranch, and his little +year-old boy was took badly sick. I never did know with what. +Diphtheria, I guess. And I got to tell you Pete is crazy about babies. +Always has been. Thirty years ago, when my own baby hadn't been but a +few weeks born, Lysander John had to be in Red Gap with a smashed leg +and arm, and I was here alone with Pete for two months of one winter. +Say, he was better than any trained nurse with both of us, even if my +papoose was only a girl one! Folks used to wonder afterward if I hadn't +been afraid with just Pete round. Good lands! If they'd ever seen him +cuddle that mite and sing songs to it in Injin about the rain and the +grass! Anyway, I got to know Pete so well that winter I never blamed him +much for what come off. + +"Well, this yearling of his got bad and Pete was in two minds. He +believed in white doctors with his good sense, but he believed in Injin +doctors with his superstition, which was older. So he tried to have one +of each. There was an old rogue of a medicine man round here then from +the reservation up north. He'd been doing a little work at haying on +the Corporation, but he was getting his main graft selling the Injins +charms and making spells over their sick; a crafty old crook playing on +their ignorance--understand? And Pete, having got the white doctor from +Kulanche, thought he'd cinch matters by getting the medicine man, too. +At that, I guess one would of been about as useful as the other, the +Kulanche doctor knowing more about anthrax and blackleg than he did +about sick Injin babies. + +"The medicine man sees right off how scared Pete is for his kid and +thinks here's a chance to make some big money. He looks at the little +patient and says yes, he can cure him, sure; but it'll be a hard job and +he can't undertake it unless Pete comes through with forty dollars and +his span of mules. But Pete ain't got forty dollars or forty cents, and +the Kulanche doctor has got to the mules already, having a lien on 'em +for twenty-five. + +"Pete hurried over and put the proposition up to me. He says his little +chief is badly sick and he's got a fine white doctor, but will I stake +him to enough to get this fine Injin doctor?--thus making a cure +certain. Well, I tore into the old fool for wanting to let this depraved +old medicine man tamper with his baby, and I warned him the Kulanche +doctor probably wasn't much better. Then I tell him he's to send down +for the best doctor in Red Gap at my expense and keep him with the child +till it's well. I tell him he can have the whole ranch if it would cure +his child, but not one cent for the Injin. + +"Well, the poor boy is about half convinced I'm right, but he's been an +Injin too long to believe it all through. He went off and sent for the +Red Gap doctor, but he can't resist making another try for the Injin +one; and that old scoundrel holds out for his price. Pete wants him to +wait for his pay till haying is over; but he won't because he thinks +Pete can get the money from me now if he really has to have it. Pete +must of been crazy for fair about that time. + +"'All right,' says he; 'you can cure my little chief?' + +"The crook says he can if the money is in his hand. + +"'All right,' says Pete again; 'but if my little chief dies something +bad is going to happen to you.' + +"That's about all they ever found out concerning this threat of Pete's, +though another Injin who heard it said that Pete said his brother-in-law +would make the trouble--not Pete himself. Which was likely true enough. + +"Pete's little chief died the night the Red Gap doctor got up here. Ten +minutes later this medicine man had hitched up his team, loaded his +plunder into a wagon, and was pouring leather into his horses to get +back home quick. He knew Pete never talks just to hear himself talk. +They found him about thirty miles on his way--slumped down in the wagon +bed, his team hitched by the roadside. There had been just one careful +shot. As he hadn't been robbed--he had over" a hundred dollars in gold +on him--it pointed a mite too strong at Pete after his threat. + +"A deputy sheriff come up. Pete said his brother-in-law had been +hanging round lately and had talked very dangerous about the medicine +man. He said the brother-in-law had probably done the job. But Pete had +pulled this too often before when in difficulties. The deputy said he'd +better come along down to Red Gap and tell the district attorney about +it. Pete said all right and crawled into his tepee for his coat and +hat--crawled right on out the back and into the brush while the deputy +rolled a cigarette. + +"That was when he joined this bunch of noble redmen to advertise the +vanishing romance of the Great West--being helped out of the country, I +shouldn't wonder, by some lawless old hound that had feelings for him +and showed it when he come along in the night to the ranch where he'd +nursed her and her baby. They looked for him a little while, then +dropped it; in fact, everybody was kind of glad he'd got off and kind of +satisfied that he'd put this bad Injin, with his skull-duggery, over the +big jump. + +"Then he got homesick, like I told you, and showed up here at the door; +and I saw it was better for him to give himself up and get out of it by +fair and legal means. Now! You got it straight that far?" + +I nodded. + +"So Pete took my advice, and a couple days later I hurried down to Red +Gap and had a talk with Judge Ballard and the district attorney. The +judge said it had been embarrassing to justice to have my old Injin +walk in on 'em, because every one knew he was guilty. Why couldn't he of +stayed up here where the keen-eyed officers of the law could of +pretended not to know he was? And the old fool was only making things +worse with his everlasting chatter about his brother-in-law, every one +knowing there wasn't such a person in existence--old Pete having had +dozens of every kind of relation in the world but a brother-in-law. But +they're going to have this bright young lawyer defend him, and they have +hopes. + +"Then I talked some. I said it was true that everybody knew Pete bumped +off this old crook that had it coming to him, but they could never prove +it, because Pete had come to my place and set up with me all night, when +I had lumbago or something, the very night this crime was done +thirty-odd miles distant by some person or persons unknown--except it +could be known they had good taste about who needed killing. + +"At this Judge Ballard jumps up and calls me an old liar and shook hands +warmly with me; and Cale Jordan, that was district attorney then, says +if Mrs. Pettengill will give him her word of honour to go on the witness +stand and perjure herself to this effect then he don't see no use of +even putting Kulanche County, State of Washington, to the expense of a +trial, the said county already being deep in the hole for its new +courthouse--but for mercy's sake to stop the old idiot babbling about +his brother-in-law, that every one knows he never had one, because such +a joke is too great an affront to the dignity of the law in such cases +made and provided--to wit: tell the old fool to say nothing except 'No, +he never done it.' And he shakes hands with me, too, and says he'll have +an important talk with Myron Bughalter, the sheriff. + +"I says that's the best way out of it, being myself a heavy taxpayer; +and I go see this Snyder lawyer, and then over to the jail and get into +Pete's cell, where he's having a high old time with a sack of peppermint +candy and a copy of the Scientific American. I tell him to cut out the +brother-in-law stuff and just say 'No' to any question whatever. He said +he would, and I went off home to rest up after my hard ride. + +"Judge Ballard calls that night and says everything is fixed. No use +putting the county to the expense of a trial when Pete has such a classy +perjured alibi as I would give him. Myron Bughalter is to go out of the +jail in a careless manner at nine-thirty that night, leaving all cells +unlocked and the door wide open so Pete can make his escape without +doing any damage to the new building. It seems the only other prisoner +is old Sing Wah, that they're willing to save money on, too. He'd got +full of perfumed port and raw gin a few nights before, announced himself +as a prize-hatchet man, and started a tong war in the laundry of one of +his cousins. But Sing was sober now and would stay so until the next New +Year's; so they was going to let him walk out with Pete. The judge said +Pete would probably be at the Arrowhead by sunup, and if he'd behave +himself from now on the law would let bygones be bygones. I thanked the +judge and went to bed feeling easy about old Pete. + +"But at seven the next morning I'm waked up by the telephone--wanted +down to the jail in a hurry. I go there soon as I can get a drink of hot +coffee and find that poor Myron Bughalter is having his troubles. He'd +got there at seven, thinking, of course, to find both his prisoners +gone; and here in the corridor is Pete setting on the chest of Sing Wah, +where he'd been all night, I guess! He tells Myron he's a fool sheriff +to leave his door wide open that way, because this bad Chinaman tried to +walk out as soon as he'd gone, and would of done so it Pete hadn't +jumped him. + +"It leaves Myron plenty embarrassed, but he finally says to Pete he can +go free, anyway, now, for being such an honest jailbird; and old Sing +Wah can go, too, having been punished enough by Pete's handling. Sing +Wah slides out quickly enough at this, promising to send Myron a dozen +silk handkerchiefs and a pound of tea. But not Pete. No, sir! He tells +Myron he's give himself up to be tried, and he wants that trial and +won't budge till he gets it. + +"Then Myron telephoned for the judge and the district attorney, and for +me. We get there and tell Pete to beat it quick. But the old mule isn't +going to move one step without that trial. He's fled back to his cell +and stands there as dignified as if he was going to lay a cornerstone. +He's a grave rebuke to the whole situation, as you might say. Then the +Judge and Cale go through some kind of a hocus-pocus talk, winding up +with both of them saying 'Not guilty!' in a loud voice; and Myron says +to Pete: 'There! You had your trial; now get out of my jail this +minute.' + +"But canny old Pete is still balking. He says you can't have a trial +except in the courthouse, which is upstairs, and they're trying to cheat +a poor old Injin. He's talking loud by this time, and Judge Ballard +says, all right, they must humour the poor child of Nature. So Myron +takes Pete by the wrist in a firm manner--though Pete's insisting he +ought to have the silver handcuffs on him--and marches him out the jail +door, round to the front marble steps of the new courthouse, up the +steps, down the marble hall and into the courtroom, with the judge and +Cale Jordan and me marching behind. + +"We ain't the whole procession, either. Out in front of the jail was +about fifteen of Pete's friends and relatives, male and female, that had +been hanging round for two days waiting to attend his coming-out party. +Mebbe that's why Pete had been so strong for the real courthouse, +wanting to give these friends something swell for their trouble. Anyway, +these Injins fall in behind us when we come out and march up into the +courtroom, where they set down in great ecstasy. Every last one of 'em +has a sack of peppermint candy and a bag of popcorn or peanuts, and +they all begin to eat busily. The steam heat had been turned on and that +hall of justice in three minutes smelt like a cheap orphan asylum on +Christmas-morning. + +"Then, before they can put up another bluff at giving Pete his trial, +with Judge Ballard setting up in his chair with his specs on and looking +fierce, who rushes in but this J. Waldo person that is Pete's lawyer. +He's seen the procession from across the street and fears some low-down +trick is being played on his defenseless client. + +"He comes storming down the aisle exclaiming; 'Your Honour, I protest +against this grossly irregular proceeding!' The judge pounds on his desk +with his little croquet mallet and Myron Bughalter tells Snyder, out of +the corner of his mouth, to shut up. But he won't shut up for some +minutes. This is the first case he'd had and he's probably looked +forward to a grand speech to the jury that would make 'em all blubber +and acquit Pete without leaving the box, on the grounds of emotional or +erratic insanity--or whatever it is that murderers get let off on when +their folks are well fixed. He sputters quite a lot about this monstrous +travesty on justice before they can drill the real facts into his head; +and even then he keeps coming back to Pete's being crazy. + +"Then Pete, who hears this view of his case for the first time, begins +to glare at his lawyer in a very nasty way and starts to interrupt; so +the judge has to knock wood some more to get 'em all quiet. When they +do get still--with Pete looking blacker than ever at his lawyer--Cale +Jordan says: 'Pete, did you do this killing?' Pete started to say mebbe +his brother-in-law did, but caught himself in time and said 'No!' at the +same time starting for J. Waldo, that had called him crazy. Myron +Bughalter shoves him back in his chair, and Cale Jordan says: 'Your +Honour, you have heard the evidence, which is conclusive. I now ask that +the prisoner at the bar be released.' Judge Ballard frowns at Pete very +stern and says: 'The motion is granted. Turn him loose, quick, and get +the rest of that smelly bunch out of here and give the place a good +airing. I have to hold court here at ten o'clock.' + +"Pete was kind of convinced now that he'd had a sure-enough trial, and +his friends had seen the marble walls and red carpet and varnished +furniture, and everything; so he consented to be set free--not in any +rush, but like he was willing to do 'em a favour. + +"And all the time he's keeping a bad little eye on J. Waldo. The minute +he gets down from the stand he makes for him and says what does he mean +by saying he was crazy when he done this killing? J. Waldo tries to +explain that this was his only defense and was going on to tell what an +elegant defense it was; but Pete gets madder and madder. I guess he'd +been called everything in the world before, but never crazy; that's the +very worst thing you can tell an Injin. + +"They work out toward the front door; and then I hear Pete say: 'You +know what? You said I'm crazy. My b'other-in-law's going to make +something happen to you in the night.' Pete was seeing red by that time. +The judge tells Myron to hurry and get the room cleared and open some +windows. Myron didn't have to clear it of J.W. Snyder. That bright young +lawyer dashed out and was fifty feet ahead of the bunch when they got to +the front door. + +"So Pete was a free man once more, without a stain on his character +except to them that knew him well. But the old fool had lost me a +tenant. Yes, sir; this J.W. Snyder young man, with the sign hardly dry +on the glass door of his office in the Pettengill Block, had a nervous +temperament to start with, and on top of that he'd gone fully into +Pete's life history and found out that parties his brother-in-law was +displeased with didn't thrive long. He packed up his law library that +afternoon and left for another town that night. + +"Yes, Pete's a wonder! Watch him slaving away out there. And he must of +been working hard all day, even with me not here to keep tabs on him. +Just look at the size of that pile of wood he's done up, when he might +easy of been loafing on the job!" + + + + +IX + +LITTLE OLD NEW YORK + + +Monday's mail for the Arrowhead was brought in by the Chinaman while Ma +Pettengill and I loitered to the close of the evening meal: a canvas +sack of letters and newspapers with three bulky packages of merchandise +that had come by parcels post. The latter evoked a passing storm from my +hostess. Hadn't she warned folks time and again to send all her stuff by +express instead of by parcels post, which would sure get her gunned some +day by the stage driver who got nothing extra for hauling such matter? +She had so! + +We trifled now with a fruity desert and the lady regaled me with a brief +exposure of our great parcels-post system as a piece of the nerviest +penny pinching she had ever known our Government guilty of. Because why? +Because these here poor R.F.D. stage drivers had to do the extra hauling +for nothing. + +"Here's old Harvey Steptoe with the mail contract for sixty dollars a +month, three trips a week between Red Gap and Surprise Valley, +forty-five miles each way, barely making enough extra on express matter +and local freight to come out even after buying horse-feed. Then comes +parcels post, and parties that had had to pay him four bits or a dollar +for a large package, or two bits for a small one, can have 'em brought +in by mail for nothing. Of course most of us eased up on him after we +understood the hellish injustice of it. We took pains not to have things +sent parcels post and when they come unbeknown to us, like these here +to-night, we'd always pay him anyway, just like they was express. It was +only fair and, besides, we would live longer, Harvey Steptoe being +morose and sudden. + +"Like when old Safety First Timmins got the idea he could have all his +supplies sent from Red Gap for almost nothing by putting stamps on 'em. +He was tickled to death with the notion until, after the second load of +about a hundred pounds, some cowardly assassin shot at him from the +brush one morning about the time the stage usually went down past his +ranch. The charge missed him by about four inches and went into the barn +door. He dug it out and found a bullet and two buckshot. Old Safety +First ain't any Sherlock Holmes, but even Doctor Watson could of solved +this murderous crime. When Harvey come by the next night he went out and +says to him, 'Ain't you got one of them old Mississippi Yaegers about +seventy-five years old that carries a bullet and two buckshot?' Harvey +thought back earnestly for a minute, then says,'Not now I ain't. I used +to have one of them old hairlooms around the house but I found they +ain't reliable when you want to do fine work from a safe distance; so I +threw her away yesterday morning and got me this nice new 30-30 down to +Goshook & Dale's hardware store.' + +"He pulled the new gun out and patted it tenderly in the sight of old +Timmins. 'Ain't it a cunning little implement?' he says; 'I tried it out +coming up this afternoon. I could split a hair with it as far, say, as +from that clump of buck-brush over to your barn. And by the way, Mr. +Timmins,' he says, 'I got some more stuff for you here from the Square +Deal Grocery--stuff all gummed up with postage stamps.' He leans his new +toy against the seat and dumps out a sack of flour and a sack of dried +fruit and one or two other things. 'This parcels post is a grand thing, +ain't it?' says he. + +"'Well--yes and no, now that you speak of it,' says old Safety First. +'The fact is I'm kind of prejudiced against it; I ain't going to have +things come to me any more all stuck over with them trifling little +postage stamps. It don't look dignified.' 'No?' says Harvey. 'No,' says +Safety First in a firm tone. 'I won't ever have another single thing +come by mail if I can help it.' 'I bet you're superstitious,' says +Harvey, climbing back to his seat and petting the new gun again. 'I bet +you're so superstitious you'd take this here shiny new implement off my +hands at cost if I hinted I'd part with it.' 'I almost believe I would,' +says Safety First. 'Well, it don't seem like I'd have much use for it +after all,' says Harvey. 'Of course I can always get a new one if my +fancy happens to run that way again.' + +"So old Safety First buys a new loaded rifle that he ain't got a use on +earth for. It would of looked to outsiders like he was throwing his +money away on fripperies, but he knew it was a prime necessity of life +all right. The parcels post ain't done him a bit of good since, though I +send him marked pieces in the papers every now and then telling how the +postmaster general thinks it's a great boon to the ultimate consumer. +And I mustn't forget to send Harvey six bits for them three packages +that come to-night. That's what we do. Otherwise, him being morose and +turbulent, he'd get a new gun and make ultimate consumers out of all of +us. Darned ultimate! I reckon we got a glorious Government, like +candidates always tell us, but a postmaster general that expected stage +drivers to do three times the hauling they had been doing with no extra +pay wouldn't last long out at the tail of an ... route. There'd be +pieces in the paper telling about how he rose to prominence from the +time he got a lot of delegates sewed up for the people's choice and how +his place will be hard to fill. It certainly would be hard to fill out +here. Old Timmins, for one, would turn a deaf ear to his country's +call." + +Lew Wee having now cleared the table of all but coffee, we lingered for +a leisurely overhauling of the mail sack. Ma Pettengill slit envelopes +and read letters to an accompanying rumble of protest. She several times +wished to know what certain parties took her for--and they'd be fooled +if they did; and now and again she dwelt upon the insoluble mystery of +her not being in the poorhouse at that moment; yes, and she'd of been +there long ago if she had let these parties run her business like they +thought they could. But what could a lone defenceless woman expect? +She'd show them, though! Been showing 'em for thirty years now, and +still had her health, hadn't she? + +Letters and bills were at last neatly stacked and the poor weak woman +fell upon the newspapers. The Red Gap Recorder was shorn of its wrapper. +Being first a woman she turned to the fourth page to flash a practised +eye over that department which is headed "Life's Stages--At the +Altar--In the Cradle!--To the Tomb." Having gleaned recent vital +statistics she turned next to the column carrying the market quotations +on beef cattle, for after being a woman she is a rancher. Prices for +that day must have pleased her immensely for she grudgingly mumbled that +they were less ruinous than she had expected. In the elation of which +this admission was a sign she next refreshed me with various personal +items from a column headed "Social Gleanings--by Madame On Dit." + +I learned that at the last regular meeting of the Ladies' Friday +Afternoon Shakespeare Club, Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale had read a +paper entitled "My Trip to the Panama-Pacific Exposition," after which a +dainty collation was served by mine hostess Mrs. Judge Ballard; that +Miss Beryl Mae Macomber, the well-known young society heiress, was +visiting friends in Spokane where rumour hath it that she would take a +course of lessons in elocution; and that Mrs. Cora Hartwick Wales, +prominent society matron and leader of the ultra smart set of Price's +Addition, had on Thursday afternoon at her charming new bungalow, corner +of Bella Vista Street and Prospect Avenue, entertained a number of her +inmates at tea. Ma Pettengill and I here quickly agreed that the +proofreading on the Recorder was not all it should be. Then she +unctuously read me a longer item from another column which was signed +"The Lounger in the Lobby": + +"Mr. Benjamin P. Sutton, the wealthy capitalist of Nome, Alaska, and a +prince of good fellows, is again in our midst for his annual visit to +His Honour Alonzo Price, Red Gap's present mayor, of whom he is an +old-time friend and associate. Mr. Sutton, who is the picture of health, +brings glowing reports from the North and is firm in his belief that +Alaska will at no distant day become the garden spot of the world. In +the course of a brief interview he confided to ye scribe that on his +present trip to the outside he would not again revisit his birthplace, +the city of New York, as he did last year. 'Once was enough, for many +reasons,' said Mr. Sutton grimly. 'They call it "Little old New York," +but it isn't little and it isn't old. It's big and it's new--we have +older buildings right in Nome than any you can find on Broadway. Since +my brief sojourn there last year I have decided that our people before +going to New York should see America first." + +"Now what do you think of that?" demanded the lady. I said I would be +able to think little of it unless I were told the precise reasons for +this rather brutal abuse of a great city. What, indeed, were the "many +reasons" that Mr. Sutton had grimly not confided to ye scribe? + +Ma Pettengill chuckled and reread parts of the indictment. Thereafter +she again chuckled fluently and uttered broken phrases to herself. +"Horse-car" was one; "the only born New Yorker alive" was another. It +became necessary for me to remind the woman that a guest was present. I +did this by shifting my chair to face the stone fireplace in which a +pine chunk glowed, and by coughing in a delicate and expectant manner. + +"Poor Ben!" she murmured--"going all the day down there just to get one +romantic look at his old home after being gone twenty-five years. I +don't blame him for talking rough about the town, nor for his criminal +act--stealing a street-car track." + +It sounded piquant--a noble theft indeed! I now murmured a bit myself, +striving to convey an active incredulity that yet might be vanquished by +facts. The lady quite ignored this, diverging to her own opinion of New +York. She tore the wrapper from a Sunday issue of a famous metropolitan +daily and flaunted its comic supplement at me. "That's how I always +think of New York," said she--"a kind of a comic supplement to the rest +of this great country. Here--see these two comical little tots standing +on their uncle's stomach and chopping his heart out with their +axes--after you got the town sized up it's just that funny and horrible. +It's like the music I heard that time at a higher concert I was drug to +in Boston--ingenious but unpleasant." + +But this was not what I would sit up for after a hard day's +fishing--this coarse disparagement of something the poor creature was +unfitted to comprehend. + +"Ben Sutton," I remarked firmly. + + * * * * * + +"The inhabitants of New York are divided fifty-fifty between them that +are trying to get what you got and them that think you're trying to get +what they got." + +"Ben Sutton," I repeated, trying to make it sullen. + +"Ask a man on the street in New York where such and such a building is +and he'll edge out of reaching distance, with his hand on his watch, +before he tells you he don't know. In Denver, or San Francisco now, the +man will most likely walk a block or two with you just to make sure you +get the directions right." + +"Ben Sutton!" + +"They'll fall for raw stuff, though. I know a slick mining promoter from +Arizona that stops at the biggest hotel on Fifth Avenue and has himself +paged by the boys about twenty times a day so folks will know how +important he is. He'll get up from his table in the restaurant and +follow the boy out in a way to make 'em think that nine million dollars +is at stake. He tells me it helps him a lot in landing the wise ones." + +"Stole a street-car track," I muttered desperately. + +"The typical New Yorker, like they call him, was born in Haverhill, +Massachusetts, and sleeps in New Rochelle, going in on the 8:12 and +coming out on the--" + +"I had a pretty fight landing that biggest one this afternoon, from that +pool under the falls up above the big bend. Twice I thought I'd lost +him, but he was only hiding--and then I found I'd forgotten my landing +net. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I was fishing for steel +head down in Oregon, and the bear--" The lady hereupon raised a hushing +hand. + + * * * * * + +Well, as I was saying, Ben Sutton blew into town early last September +and after shaking hands with his old confederate, Lon Price, he says how +is the good wife and is she at home and Lon says no; that Pettikins has +been up at Silver Springs resting for a couple weeks; so Ben says it's +too bad he'll miss the little lady, as in that case he has something +good to suggest, which is, what's the matter with him and Lon taking a +swift hike down to New York which Ben ain't seen since 1892, though he +was born there, and he'd now like to have a look at the old home in +Lon's company. Lon says it's too bad Pettikins ain't there to go along, +but if they start at once she wouldn't have time to join them, and Ben +says he can start near enough at once for that, so hurry and pack the +suitcase. Lon does it, leaving a delayed telegram to Henrietta to be +sent after they start, begging her to join them if not too late, which +it would be. + +While they are in Louis Meyer's Place feeling good over this coop, in +comes the ever care-free Jeff Tuttle and Jeff says he wouldn't mind +going out on rodeo himself with 'em, at least as far as Jersey City +where he has a dear old aunt living--or she did live there when he was a +little boy and was always very nice to him and he ain't done right in +not going to see her for thirty years--and if he's that close to the big +town he could run over from Jersey City for a look--see. + +Lon and Ben hail his generous decision with cheers and on the way to +another place they meet me, just down from the ranch. And why don't I +come along with the bunch? Ben has it all fixed in ten seconds, he being +one of these talkers that will odd things along till they sound even, +and the other two chiming in with him and wanting to buy my ticket right +then. But I hesitated some. Lon and Ben Sutton was all right to go with, +but Jeff Tuttle was a different kittle of fish. Jeff is a decent man in +many respects and seems real refined when you first meet him if it's in +some one's parlour, but he ain't one you'd care to follow step by step +through the mazes and pitfalls and palmrooms of a great city if you're +sensitive to public notice. Still, they was all so hearty in their +urging, Ben saying I was the only lady in the world he could travel that +far with and not want to strangle, and Lon says he'd rather have me than +most of the men he knew, and Jeff says if I'll consent to go he'll take +his full-dress suit so as to escort me to operas and lectures in a +classy manner, and at last I give up. I said I'd horn in on their party +since none of 'em seemed hostile. + +I'd meant to go a little later anyway, for some gowns I needed and some +shopping I'd promised to do for Lizzie Gunslaugh. You got to hand it to +New York for shopping. Why, I'd as soon buy an evening gown in Los +Angeles as in Portland or San Francisco. Take this same Lizzie +Gunslaugh. She used to make a bare living, with her sign reading "Plain +and Fashionable Dressmaking." But I took that girl down to New York +twice with me and showed her how and what to buy there, instead of going +to Spokane for her styles, and to-day she's got a thriving little +business with a bully sign that we copied from them in the East +--"Madame Elizabeth, Robes et Manteaux." Yes, sir; New York has at least +one real reason for taking up room. That's a thing I always try to get +into Ben Sutton's head, that he'd ought to buy his clothes down there +instead of getting 'em from a reckless devil-dare of a tailor up in +Seattle that will do anything in the world Ben tells him to--and he +tells him a plenty, believe me. He won't ever wear a dress suit, +either, because he says that costume makes all men look alike and he +ain't going to stifle his individuality. If you seen Ben's figure once +you'd know that nothing could make him look like any one else, him being +built on the lines of a grain elevator and having individuality no +clothes on earth could stifle. He's the very last man on earth that +should have coloured braid on his check suits. However! + +My trunk is packed in a hurry and I'm down to the 6:10 on time. Lon is +very scared and jubilant over deserting Henrietta in this furtive way, +and Ben is all ebullient in a new suit that looks like a lodge regalia +and Jeff Tuttle in plain clothes is as happy as a child. When I get +there he's already begun to give his imitation of a Sioux squaw with a +hare lip reciting "Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night" in her native +language, which he pulls on all occasions when he's feeling too good. +It's some imitation. The Sioux language, even when spoken by a trained +elocutionist, can't be anything dulcet. Jeff's stunt makes it sound like +grinding coffee and shovelling coal into a cellar at the same time. +Anyway, our journey begun happily and proved to be a good one, the days +passing pleasantly while we talked over old times and played ten-cent +limit in my stateroom, though Jeff Tuttle is so untravelled that he'll +actually complain about the food and service in a dining-car. The poor +puzzled old cow-man still thinks you ought to get a good meal in one, +like the pretty bill of fare says you can. + +Then one morning we was in New York and Ben Sutton got his first shock. +He believed he was still on the other side of the river because he +hadn't rid in a ferryboat yet. He had to be told sharply by parties in +uniform. But we got him safe to a nice tall hotel on Broadway at last. +Talk about your hicks from the brush--Ben was it, coming back to this +here birthplace of his. He fell into a daze on the short ride to the +hotel--after insisting hotly that we should go to one that was pulled +down ten years ago--and he never did get out of it all that day. + +Lon and Jeff was dazed, too. The city filled 'em with awe and they made +no pretense to the contrary. About all they did that day was to buy +picture cards and a few drinks. They was afraid to wander very far from +the hotel for fear they'd get run over or arrested or fall into the new +subway or something calamitous like that. Of course New York was looking +as usual, the streets being full of tired voters tearing up the +car-tracks and digging first-line trenches and so forth. + +It was a quiet day for all of us, though I got my shopping started, and +at night we met at the hotel and had a lonesome dinner. We was all too +dazed and tired to feel like larking about any, and poor Ben was so +downright depressed it was pathetic. Ever read the story about a man +going to sleep and waking up in a glass case in a museum a thousand +years later? That was Ben coming back to his old town after only +twenty-five years. He hadn't been able to find a single old friend nor +any familiar faces. He ordered a porterhouse steak, family style, for +himself, but he was so mournful he couldn't eat more than about two +dollars' worth of it. He kept forgetting himself in dismal +reminiscences. The onlysright thing he'd found was the men tearing up +the streets. That was just like they used to be, he said. He maundered +on to us about how horse-cars was running on Broadway when he left and +how they hardly bothered to light the lamps north of Forty-second +Street, and he wished he could have some fish balls like the old +Sinclair House used to have for its free lunch, and how in them golden +days people that had been born right here in New York was seen so +frequently that they created no sensation. + +He was feeling awful desolate about this. He pointed out different +parties at tables around us, saying they was merchant princes from +Sandusky or prominent Elks from Omaha or roystering blades from +Pittsburgh or boulevardeers from Bucyrus--not a New Yorker in sight. He +said he'd been reading where a wealthy nut had seat out an expedition to +the North Pole to capture a certain kind of Arctic flea that haunts only +a certain rare fox--but he'd bet a born New Yorker was harder to find. +He said what this millionaire defective ought to of done with his +inherited wealth was to find a male and female born here and have 'em +stuffed and mounted under glass in a fire-proof museum, which would be a +far more exciting spectacle than any flea on earth, however scarce and +arctic. He said he'd asked at least forty men that day where they was +born--waiters, taxi-drivers, hotel clerks, bartenders, and just anybody +that would stop and take one with him, and not a soul had been born +nearer to the old town than Scranton, Pennsylvania. "It's +heart-rending," he says, "to reflect that I'm alone here in this big +city of outlanders. I haven't even had the nerve to go down to West +Ninth Street for a look at the old home that shelters my boyhood +memories. If I could find only one born New Yorker it would brace me up +a whole lot." + +It was one dull evening, under this cloud that enveloped Ben. We didn't +even go to a show, but turned in early. Lon Price sent a picture card of +the Flatiron Building to Henrietta telling her he was having a dreary +time and he was now glad he'd been disappointed about her not coming, so +love and kisses from her lonesome boy. It was what he would of sent her +anyway, but it happened to be the truth so far. + +Well, I got the long night's rest that was coming to me and started out +early in the A.M. to pit my cunning against the wiles of the New York +department stores, having had my evil desires inflamed the day before by +an afternoon gown in chiffon velvet and Georgette crepe with silver +embroidery and fur trimming that I'd seen in a window marked down to +$198.98. I fell for that all right, and for an all-silk jersey sport +suit at $29.98 and a demi-tailored walking suit for a mere bagatelle, +and a white corduroy sport blouse and a couple of imported evening +gowns they robbed me on--but I didn't mind. You expect to be robbed for +anything really good in New York, only the imitation stuff that's worn +by the idle poor being cheaper than elsewhere. And I was so busy in this +whirl of extortion that I forgot all about the boys and their troubles +till I got back to the hotel at five o'clock. + +I find 'em in the palm grill, or whatever it's called, drinking +stingers. But now they was not only more cheerful than they had been the +night before but they was getting a little bit contemptuous and Western +about the great city. Lon had met a brother real estate shark from Salt +Lake and Jeff had fell in with a sheep man from Laramie--and treated him +like an equal because of meeting him so far from home in a strange town +where no one would find it out on him--and Ben Sutton had met up with +his old friend Jake Berger, also from Nome. That's one nice thing about +New York; you keep meeting people from out your way that are lonesome, +too. Lon's friend and Jeff's sheep man had had to leave, being +encumbered by watchful-waiting wives that were having 'em paged every +three minutes and wouldn't believe the boy when he said they was out. +But Ben's friend, Jake Berger, was still at the table. Jake is a good +soul, kind of a short, round, silent man, never opening his head for any +length of time. He seems to bring the silence of the frozen North down +with him except for brief words to the waiter ever and anon. + +As I say, the boys was all more cheerful and contemptuous about New +York by this time. Ben had spent another day asking casual parties if +they was born in New York and having no more luck than a rabbit, but it +seemed like he'd got hardened to these disappointments. He said he might +leave his own self to a museum in due time, so future generations would +know at least what the male New Yorker looked like. As for the female, +he said any of these blondes along Broadway could be made to look near +enough like his mate by a skilled taxidermist. Jeff Tuttle here says +that they wasn't all blondes because he'd seen a certain brunette that +afternoon right in this palm grill that was certainly worth preserving +for all eternity in the grandest museum on earth--which showed that Jeff +had chirked up a lot since landing in town. Ben said he had used the +term "blonde" merely to designate a species and they let it go at that. + +Lon Price then said he'd been talking a little himself to people he met +in different places and they might not be born New Yorkers but they +certainly didn't know anything beyond the city limits. At this he looks +around at the crowded tables in this palm grill and says very bitterly +that he'll give any of us fifty to one they ain't a person in the place +that ever so much as even heard of Price's Addition to Red Gap. And so +the talk went for a little, with Jake Berger ever and again crooning to +the waiter for another round of stingers. I'd had two, so I stayed out +on the last round. I told Jake I enjoyed his hospitality but two would +be all I could think under till they learned to leave the dash of +chloroform out of mine. Jake just looked kindly at me. He's as chatty as +Mount McKinley. + +But I was glad to see the boys more cheerful, so I said I'd get my +lumpiest jewels out of the safe and put a maid and hairdresser to work +on me so I'd be a credit to 'em at dinner and then we'd spend a jolly +evening at some show. Jeff said he'd also doll up in his dress suit and +get shaved and manicured and everything, so he'd look like one in my own +walk of life. Ben was already dressed for evening. He had on a totally +new suit of large black and white checks looking like a hotel floor from +a little distance, bound with braid of a quiet brown, and with a vest of +wide stripes in green and mustard colour. It was a suit that the +automobile law in some states would have compelled him to put dimmers +on; it made him look egregious, if that's the word; but I knew it was no +good appealing to his better nature. He said he'd have dinner ordered +for us in another palm grill that had more palms in it. + +Jake Berger spoke up for the first time to any one but a waiter. He +asked why a palm room necessarily? He said the tropic influence of these +palms must affect the waiters that had to stand under 'em all day, +because they wouldn't take his orders fast enough. He said the +languorous Southern atmosphere give 'em pellagra or something. Jeff +Tuttle says Jake must be mistaken because the pellagra is a kind of a +Spanish dance, he believes. Jake said maybe so; maybe it was tropic +neurasthenia the waiters got. Ben said he'd sure look out for a fresh +waiter that hadn't been infected yet. When I left 'em Jake was holding a +split-second watch on the waiter he'd just given an order to. + +By seven P.M. I'd been made into a work of art by the hotel help and +might of been observed progressing through the palatial lobby with my +purple and gold opera cloak sort of falling away from the shoulders. +Jeff Tuttle observed me for one. He was in his dress suit all right, +standing over in a corner having a bell-hop tie his tie for him that he +never can learn to do himself. That's the way with Jeff; he simply +wasn't born for the higher hotel life. In his dress suit he looks +exactly like this here society burglar you're always seeing a picture of +in the papers. However, I let him trail me along into this jewelled palm +room with tapestries and onyx pillars and prices for food like the town +had been three years beleagured by an invading army. Jake Berger is +alone at our table sipping a stinger and looking embarrassed because +he'll have to say something. He gets it over as soon as he can. He says +Ben has ordered dinner and stepped out and that Lon has stepped out to +look for him but they'll both be back in a minute, so set down and order +one before this new waiter is overcome by the tropic miasma. We do the +same, and in comes Lon looking very excited in the dress suit he was +married in back about 1884. + +"Ben's found one," he squeals excitedly--"a real genuine one that was +born right here in New York and is still living in the same house he was +born in. What do you know about that? Ben is frantic with delight and is +going to bring him to dine with us as soon as he gets him brushed off +down in the wash room and maybe a drink or two thrown into him to revive +him from the shock of Ben running across him. Ain't it good, though! +Poor old Ben, looking for a born one and thinking he'd never find him +and now he has!" + +We all said how glad we was for Ben's sake and Lon called over a titled +aristocrat of foreign birth and ordered him to lay another place at the +table. Then he tells us how the encounter happened. Ben had stepped out +on Broadway to buy an evening paper and coming back he was sneaking a +look at his new suit in a plate-glass window, walking blindly ahead at +the same time. That's the difference between the sexes in front of a +plate-glass window. A woman is entirely honest and shameless; she'll +stop dead and look herself over and touch up anything that needs it as +cool as if she was the last human on earth; while man, the coward, walks +by slow and takes a long sly look at himself, turning his head more and +more till he gets swore at by some one he's tramped on. This is how Ben +had run across the only genuine New Yorker that seemed to be left. He'd +run across his left instep and then bore him to the ground like one of +these juggernuts or whatever they are. Still, at that, it seemed kind of +a romantic meeting, like mebbe the hand of fate was in it. We chatted +along, waiting for the happy pair, and Jake ordered again to be on the +safe side because the waiter would be sure to contract hookworm or +sleeping sickness in this tropic jungle before the evening was over. +Jeff Tuttle said this was called the Louis Château room and he liked it. +He also said, looking over the people that come in, that he bet every +dress suit in town was hired to-night. Then in a minute or two more, +after Jake Berger sent a bill over to the orchestra leader with a card +asking him to play all quick tunes so the waiters could fight better +against jungle fever, in comes Ben Sutton driving his captive New Yorker +before him and looking as flushed and proud as if he'd discovered a +strange new vest pattern. + +The captive wasn't so much to look at. He was kind of neat, dressed in +one of the nobby suits that look like ninety dollars in the picture and +cost eighteen; he had one of these smooth ironed faces that made him +look thirty or forty years old, like all New York men, and he had the +conventional glue on his hair. He was limping noticeably where Ben had +run across him, and I could see he was highly suspicious of the whole +gang of us, including the man who had treated him like he was a +cockroach. But Ben had been persuasive and imperious--took him off his +feet, like you might say--so he shook hands all around and ventured to +set down with us. He had the same cold, slippery cautious hand that +every New York man gives you the first time so I says to myself he's a +real one all right and we fell to the new round of stingers Jake had +motioned for, and to the nouveaux art-work food that now came along. + +Naturally Ben and the New Yorker done most of the talking at first; +about how the good old town had changed; how they was just putting up +the Cable Building at Houston Street when Ben left in '92, and wasn't +the old Everett House a good place for lunch, and did the other one +remember Barnum's Museum at Broadway and Ann, and Niblo's Garden was +still there when Ben was, and a lot of fascinating memories like that. +The New Yorker didn't relax much at first and got distinctly nervous +when he saw the costly food and heard Ben order vintage champagne which +he always picks out by the price on the wine list. I could see him plain +as day wondering just what kind of crooks we could be, what our game was +and how soon we'd spring it on him--or would we mebbe stick him for the +dinner check? He didn't have a bit good time at first, so us four others +kind of left Ben to fawn upon him and enjoyed ourselves in our own way. + +It was all quite elevating or vicious, what with the orchestra and the +singers and the dancing and the waiters with vitality still unimpaired. +And New York has improved a lot, I'll say that. The time I was there +before they wouldn't let a lady smoke except in the very lowest table +d'hotes of the underworld at sixty cents with wine. And now the only one +in the whole room that didn't light a cigarette from time to time was a +nervous dame in a high-necked black silk and a hat that was never made +farther east than Altoona, that looked like she might be taking notes +for a club paper on the attractions or iniquities of a great metropolis. +Jeff Tuttle was fascinated by the dancing; he called it the "tangle" and +some of it did look like that. And he claimed to be shocked by the +flagrant way women opened up little silver boxes and applied the paints, +oils, and putty in full view of the audience. He said he'd just as lief +see a woman take out a manicure set and do her nails in public, and I +assured him he probably would see it if he come down again next year, +the way things was going--him talking that way that had had his white +tie done in the open lobby; but men are such. Jake Berger just looked +around kindly and didn't open his head till near the end of the meal. I +thought he wasn't noticing anything at all till the orchestra put on a +shadow number with dim purple lights. + +"You'll notice they do that," says Jake, "whenever a lot of these people +are ready to pay their checks. It saves fights, because no one can see +if they're added right or not." That was pretty gabby for Jake. Then I +listened again to Ben and his little pet. They was talking their way up +the Bowery from Atlantic Garden and over to Harry Hill's Place which, +it seemed the New Yorker didn't remember, and Ben then recalled an old +leper with gray whiskers and a skull cap that kept a drug store in +Bleecker Street when Ben was a kid and spent most of his time watering +down the sidewalk in front of his place with a hose so that ladies going +by would have to raise their skirts out of the wet. His eyes was quite +dim as he recalled these sacred boyhood memories. + +The New Yorker had unbent a mite like he was going to see the mad +adventure through at all costs, though still plainly worried about the +dinner check. Ben now said that they two ought to found a New York club. +He said there was all other kinds of clubs here--Ohio clubs and Southern +clubs and Nebraska societies and Michigan circles and so on, that give +large dinners every year, so why shouldn't there be a New York club; +maybe they could scare up three or four others that was born here if +they advertised. It would of course be the smallest club in the city or +in the whole world for that matter. The New Yorker was kind of cold +toward this. It must of sounded like the scheme to get money out of him +that he'd been expecting all along. Then the waiter brought the check, +during another shadow number with red and purple lights, and this lad +pulled out a change purse and said in a feeble voice that he supposed we +was all paying share and share alike and would the waiter kindly figure +out what his share was. Ben didn't even hear him. He peeled a large +bill off a roll that made his new suit a bad fit in one place and he +left a five on the plate when the change come. The watchful New Yorker +now made his first full-hearted speech of the evening. He said that Ben +was foolish not to of added up the check to see if it was right, and +that half a dollar tip would of been ample for the waiter. Ben pretended +not to hear this either, and started again on the dear old times. I says +to myself I guess this one is a real New Yorker all right. + +Lon Prince now says what's the matter with going to some corking good +show because nothing good has come to Red Gap since the Parisian Blond +Widows over a year ago and he's eager for entertainment. Ben says "Fine! +And here's the wise boy that will steer us right. I bet he knows every +show in town." + +The New Yorker says he does and has just the play in mind for us, one +that he had meant to see himself this very night because it has been +endorsed by the drama league of which he is a regular member. Well, that +sounded important, so Ben says "What did I tell you? Ain't we lucky to +have a good old New Yorker to put us right on shows our first night out. +We might have wasted our evening on a dead one." + +So we're all delighted and go out and get in a couple of taxicabs, Ben +and this city man going in the first one. When ours gets to the theatre +Ben is paying the driver while the New Yorker feebly protests that he +ought to pay his half of the bill, but Ben don't hear him and don't hear +him again when he wants to pay for his own seat in the theatre. I got +my first suspicion of this guy right there; for a genuine New Yorker he +was too darned conscientious about paying his mere share of everything. +You can say lots of things about New Yorkers, but all that I've ever met +have been keenly and instantly sensitive to the presence of a determined +buyer. Still I didn't think so much about it at that moment. This one +looked the part all right, with his slim clothes and his natty cloth hat +and the thin gold cigarette case held gracefully open. Then we get into +the theatre. Of course Ben had bought a box, that being the only place, +he says, that a gentleman can set, owing to the skimpy notions of +theatre-seat builders. And we was all prepared for a merry evening at +this entertainment which the wise New Yorker would be sure to know was a +good one. + +But that curtain hadn't been up three minutes before I get my next shock +of disbelief about this well-known club man. You know what a good play +means in New York: a rattling musical comedy with lively songs, a tenor +naval lieutenant in a white uniform, some real funny comedians, and a +lot of girls without their stockings on, and so forth. Any one that +thinks of a play in New York thinks of that, don't he? And what do we +get here and now? Why, we get a gruesome thing about a ruined home with +the owner going bankrupt over the telephone that's connected with Wall +Street, and a fluffy wife that has a magnetic gentleman friend in a +sport suit, and a lady crook that has had husband in her toils, only he +sees it all now, and tears and strangulations and divorce, and a +faithful old butler that suffers keenly and would go on doing it without +a cent of wages if he could only bring every one together again, and a +shot up in the bathroom or somewhere and gripping moments and so +forth--I want to tell you we was all painfully shocked by this break of +the knowing New Yorker. We could hardly believe it was true during the +first act. Jeff Tuttle kept wanting to know when the girls was coming +on, and didn't they have a muscle dancer in the piece. Ben himself was +highly embarrassed and even suspicious for a minute. He looks at the New +Yorker sharply and says ain't that a crocheted necktie he's wearing, and +the New Yorker says it is and was made for him by his aunt. But Ben +ain't got the heart to question him any further. He puts away his base +suspicions and tries to get the New Yorker to tell us all about what a +good play this is so we'll feel more entertained. So the lad tells us +the leading woman is a sterling actress of legitimate methods--all too +hard to find in this day of sensationalism, and the play is a triumph of +advanced realism written by a serious student of the drama that is +trying to save our stage from commercial degradation. He explained a lot +about the lesson of the play. Near as I could make out the lesson was +that divorce, nowadays, is darned near as uncertain as marriage itself. + +"The husband," explains the lad kindly, "is suspected by his wife to +have been leading a double life, though of course he was never guilty of +more than an indiscretion--" + +Jake Berger here exploded rudely into speech again. "Thai wife is +leading a double chin," says Jake. + +"Say, people," says Lon Price, "mebbe it ain't too late to go to a show +this evening." + +But the curtain went up for the second act and nobody had the nerve to +escape. There continued to be low murmurs of rebellion, just the same, +and we all lost track of this here infamy that was occurring on the +stage. + +"I'm sure going to beat it in one minute," says Jeff Tuttle, "if one of +'em don't exclaim: 'Oh, girls, here comes the little dancer!'" + +"I know a black-face turn that could put this show on its feet," says +Lon Price, "and that Waldo in the sport suit ain't any real reason why +wives leave home--you can't tell me!" + +"I dare say this leading woman needs a better vehicle," says the New +Yorker in a hoarse whisper. + +"I dare say it, too," says Jeff Tuttle in a still hoarser whisper. "A +better vehicle! She needs a motor truck, and I'd order one quick if I +thought she'd take it." + +Of course this was not refined of Jeff. The New Yorker winced and loyal +Ben glares at all of us that has been muttering, so we had to set there +till the curtain went down on the ruined home where all was lost save +honour--and looking like that would have to go, too, in the next act. +But Ben saw it wasn't safe to push us any further so he now said this +powerful play was too powerful for a bunch of low-brows like us and we +all rushed out into the open air. Everybody cheered up a lot when we got +there--seeing the nice orderly street traffic without a gripping moment +in it. Lon Price said it was too late to go to a theatre, so what could +we do to pass the time till morning? Ben says he has a grand idea and we +can carry it out fine with this New York man to guide us. His grand idea +is that we all go down on the Bowery and visit tough dives where the +foul creatures of the underworld consort and crime happens every minute +or two. We was still mad enough about that play to like the idea. A good +legitimate murder would of done wonders for our drooping spirits. So Ben +puts it up to the New Yorker and he says yes, he knows a vicious resort +on the Bowery, but we'd ought to have a detective from central office +along to protect us from assault. Ben says not at all--no +detective--unless the joints has toughened up a lot since he used to +infest 'em, and we all said we'd take a chance, so again we was in +taxicabs. Us four in the second cab was now highly cynical about Ben's +New Yorker. The general feeling was that sooner or later he would sink +the ship. + +Then we reach the dive he has picked out; a very dismal dive with a room +back of the bar that had a few tables and a piano in it and a +sweet-singing waiter. He was singing a song about home and mother, that +in mem-o-ree he seemed to see, when we got to our table. A very gloomy +and respectable haunt of vice it was, indeed. There was about a dozen +male and female creatures of the underworld present sadly enjoying this +here ballad and scowling at us for talking when we come in. + +Jake Berger ordered, though finding you couldn't get stingers here and +having to take two miner's inches of red whiskey, and the New Yorker +begun to warn us in low tones that we was surrounded by danger on every +hand--that we'd better pour our drink on the floor because it would be +drugged, after which we would be robbed if not murdered and thrown out +into the alley where we would then be arrested by grafting policemen. +Even Ben was shocked by this warning. He asks the New Yorker again if he +is sure he was born in the old town, and the lad says honest he was and +has been living right here all these years in the same house he was born +in. Ben is persuaded by these words and gives the singing waiter a five +and tells him to try and lighten the gloom with a few crimes of violence +or something. The New Yorker continued to set stiff in his chair, one +hand on his watch and one on the pocket where his change purse was that +he'd tried to pay his share of the taxicabs out of. + +The gloom-stricken piano player now rattled off some ragtime and the +depraved denizens about us got sadly up and danced to it. Say, it was +the most formal and sedate dancing you ever see, with these gun men +holding their guilty partners off at arm's length and their faces all +drawn down in lines of misery. They looked like they might be a bunch of +strict Presbyterians that had resolved to throw all moral teaching to +the winds for one purple moment let come what might. I want to tell you +these depraved creatures of the underworld was darned near as depressing +as that play had been. Even the second round of drinks didn't liven us +up none because the waiter threw down his cigarette and sung another +tearful song. This one was about a travelling man going into a gilded +cabaret and ordering a port wine and a fair young girl come out to sing +in short skirts that he recognized to be his boyhood's sweetheart Nell; +so he sent a waiter to ask her if she had forgot the song she once did +sing at her dear old mother's knee, or knees, and she hadn't forgot it +and proved she hadn't, because the chorus was "Nearer My God to Thee" +sung to ragtime; then the travelling man said she must be good and pure, +so come on let's leave this place and they'd be wed. + +Yes, sir; that's what Ben had got for his five, so this time he give the +waiter a twenty not to sing any more at all. The New Yorker was +horrified at the sight of a man giving away money, but it was well spent +and we begun to cheer up a little. Ben told the New Yorker about the +time his dog team won the All Alaska Sweepstake Race, two hundred and +six miles from Nome to Candle and back, the time being 76 hours, 16 +minutes, and 28 seconds, and showed him the picture of his lead dog +pasted in the back of his watch. And Jake Berger got real gabby at last +and told the story about the old musher going up the White Horse Trail +in a blizzard and meeting the Bishop, only he didn't know it was the +Bishop. And the Bishop says, "How's the trail back of you, my friend?" +and the old musher just swore with the utmost profanity for three +straight minutes. Then he says to the Bishop, "And what's it like back +of you?" and the Bishop says, "Just like that!" Jake here got +embarrassed from talking so much and ordered another round of this +squirrel poison we was getting, and Jeff Tuttle begun his imitation of +the Sioux squaw with a hare lip reciting "Curfew Shall Not Ring +To-night." It was a pretty severe ordeal for the rest of us, but we was +ready to endure much if it would make this low den seem more homelike. +Only when Jeff got about halfway through the singing waiter comes up, +greatly shocked, and says none of that in here because they run an +orderly place, and we been talking too loud anyway. This waiter had a +skull exactly like a picture of one in a book I got that was dug up +after three hundred thousand years and the scientific world couldn't +ever agree whether it was an early man or a late ape. I decided I didn't +care to linger in a place where a being with a head like this could pass +on my diversions and offenses so I made a move to go. Jeff Tuttle says +to this waiter, "Fie, fie upon you, Roscoe! We shall go to some +respectable place where we can loosen up without being called for it." +The waiter said he was sorry, but the Bowery wasn't Broadway. And the +New Yorker whispered that it was just as well because we was lucky to +get out of this dive with our lives and property--and even after that +this anthropoid waiter come hurrying out to the taxis after us with my +fur piece and my solid gold vanity-box that I'd left behind on a chair. +This was a bitter blow to all of us after we'd been led to hope for +outrages of an illegal character. The New Yorker was certainly making a +misdeal every time he got the cards. None of us trusted him any more, +though Ben was still loyal and sensitive about him, like he was an only +child and from birth had not been like other children. + +The lad now wanted to steer us into an Allied Bazaar that would still be +open, because he'd promised to sell twenty tickets to it and had 'em on +him untouched. But we shut down firmly on this. Even Ben was firm. He +said the last bazaar he'd survived was their big church fair in Nome +that lasted two nights and one day and the champagne booth alone took in +six thousand dollars, and even the beer booth took in something like +twelve hundred, and he didn't feel equal to another affair like that +just yet. + +So we landed uptown at a very swell joint full of tables and orchestras +around a dancing floor and more palms--which is the national flower of +New York--and about eighty or a hundred slightly inebriated débutantes +and well-known Broadway social favourites and their gentlemen friends. +And here everything seemed satisfactory at last, except to the New +Yorker who said that the prices would be something shameful. However, no +one was paying any attention to him by now. None of us but Ben cared a +hoot where he had been born and most of us was sorry he had been at all. + +Jake Berger bought a table for ten dollars, which was seven more than it +had ever cost the owner, and Ben ordered stuff for us, including a +vintage champagne that the price of stuck out far enough beyond other +prices on the wine list, and a porterhouse steak, family style, for +himself, and everything seemed on a sane and rational basis again. It +looked as if we might have a little enjoyment during the evening after +all. It was a good lively place, with all these brilliant society people +mingling up in the dance in a way that would of got 'em thrown out of +that gangsters' haunt on the Bowery. Lon Price said he'd never witnessed +so many human shoulder blades in his whole history and Jeff Tuttle sent +off a lot of picture cards of this here ballroom or saloon that a waiter +give him. The one he sent Egbert Floud showed the floor full of +beautiful reckless women in the dance and prominent society matrons +drinking highballs, and Jeff wrote on it, "This is my room; wish you was +here." Jeff was getting right into the spirit of this bohemian night +life; you could tell that. Lon Price also. In ten minutes Lon had made +the acquaintance of a New York social leader at the next table and was +dancing with her in an ardent or ribald manner before Ben had finished +his steak. + +I now noticed that the New Yorker was looking at his gun-metal watch +about every two minutes with an expression of alarm. Jake Berger noticed +it, too, and again leaned heavily on the conversation. "Not keeping you +up, are we?" says Jake. And this continual watch business must of been +getting on Ben's nerves, too, for now, having fought his steak to a +finish, he says to his little guest that they two should put up their +watches and match coins for 'em. The New Yorker was suspicious right off +and looked Ben's watch over very carefully when Ben handed it to him. It +was one of these thin gold ones that can be had any place for a hundred +dollars and up. You could just see that New Yorker saying to himself, +"So this is their game, is it?" But he works his nerve up to take a +chance and gets a two-bit piece out of his change purse and they match. +Ben wins the first time, which was to of settled it, but Ben says right +quick that of course he had meant the best two out of three, which the +New Yorker doesn't dispute for a minute, and they match again and Ben +wins that, too, so there's nothing to do but take the New Yorker's watch +away from him. He removes it carefully off a leather fob with a gilt +acorn on it and hands it slowly to Ben. It was one of these extra +superior dollar watches that cost three dollars. The New Yorker looked +very stung, indeed. You could hear him saying to himself, "Serves me +right for gambling with a stranger!" Ben feels these suspicions and is +hurt by 'em so he says to Jeff, just to show the New Yorker he's an +honest sport, that he'll stake his two watches against Jeff's solid +silver watch that he won in a bucking contest in 1890. Jeff says he's +on; so they match and Ben wins again, now having three watches. Then Lon +Price comes back from cavorting with this amiable jade of the younger +dancing set at the next table and Ben makes him put up his gold +seven-jewelled hunting-case watch against the three and Ben wins again, +now having four watches. + +Lon says "Easy come, easy go!" and moves over to the next table again to +help out with the silver bucket of champagne he's ordered, taking Jeff +Tuttle with him to present to his old friends that he's known for all of +twenty minutes. The New Yorker is now more suspicious then ever of Ben; +his wan beauty is marred by a cynical smile and his hair has come +unglued in a couple of places. Ben is more sensitive than ever to these +suspicions of his new pal so he calls on Jake Berger to match his watch +against the four. Jake takes out his split-second repeater and him and +Ben match coins and this time Ben is lucky enough to lose, thereby +showing his dear old New Yorker that he ain't a crook after all. But the +New Yorker still looks very shrewd and robbed and begins to gulp the +champagne in a greedy manner. You can hear him calling Jake a +confederate. Jake sees it plain enough, that the lad thinks he's been +high-graded, so he calls over our waiter and crowds all five watches +onto him. "Take these home to the little ones," says Jake, and dismisses +the matter from his mind by putting a wine glass up to his ear and +listening into it with a rapt expression that shows he's hearing the +roar of the ocean up on Alaska's rockbound coast. + +The New Yorker is a mite puzzled by this, but I can see it don't take +him long to figure out that the waiter is also a confederate. Anyway, +he's been robbed of his watch forever and falls to the champagne again +very eager and moody. It was plain he didn't know what a high-powered +drink he was trifling with. And Ben was moody, too, by now. He quit +recalling old times and sacred memories to the New Yorker. If the latter +had tried to break up the party by leaving at this point I guess Ben +would of let him go. But he didn't try; he just set there soggily +drinking champagne to drown the memory of his lost watch. And pretty +soon Ben has to order another quart of this twelve-dollar beverage. The +New Yorker keeps right on with the new bottle, daring it to do its worst +and it does; he was soon speaking out of a dense fog when he spoke at +all. + +With his old pal falling into this absent mood Ben throws off his own +depression and mingles a bit with the table of old New York families +where Lon Price is now paying the checks. They was the real New Yorkers; +they'd never had a moment's distrust of Lon after he ordered the first +time and told the waiter to keep the glasses brimming. Jeff Tuttle was +now dancing in an extreme manner with a haggard society bud aged +thirty-five, and only Jake and me was left at our table. We didn't count +the New Yorker any longer; he was merely raising his glass to his lips +at regular intervals. He moved something like an automatic chess player +I once saw. The time passed rapidly for a couple hours more, with Jake +Berger keeping up his ceaseless chatter as usual. He did speak once, +though, after an hour's silence. He said in an audible tone that the New +Yorker was a human hangnail, no matter where he was born. + +And so the golden moments flitted by, with me watching the crazy crowd, +until they began to fall away and the waiters was piling chairs on the +naked tables at the back of the room. Then with some difficulty we +wrenched Ben and Lon and Jeff from the next table and got out into the +crisp air of dawn. The New Yorker was now sunk deep in a trance and just +stood where he was put, with his hat on the wrong way. The other boys +had cheered up a lot owing to their late social career. Jeff Tuttle said +it was all nonsense about its being hard to break into New York society, +because look what he'd done in one brief evening without trying--and he +flashed three cards on which telephone numbers is written in dainty +feminine hands. He said if a modest and retiring stranger like himself +could do that much, just think what an out-and-out social climber might +achieve! + +Right then I was ready to call it an absorbing and instructive evening +and get to bed. But no! Ben Sutton at sight of his now dazed New Yorker +has resumed his brooding and suddenly announces that we must all make a +pilgrimage to West Ninth Street and romantically view his old home which +his father told him to get out of twenty-five years ago, and which we +can observe by the first tender rays of dawn. He says he has been having +precious illusions shattered all evening, but this will be a holy moment +that nothing can queer--not even a born New Yorker that hasn't made the +grade and is at this moment so vitrified that he'd be a mere glass crash +if some one pushed him over. + +I didn't want to go a bit. I could see that Jeff Tuttle would soon begin +dragging a hip, and the streets at that hour was no place for Lon Price, +with his naturally daring nature emphasized, as it were, from drinking +this here imprisoned laughter of the man that owned the joint we had +just left. But Ben was pleading in a broken voice for one sight of the +old home with its boyhood memories clustering about its modest front and +I was afraid he'd get to crying, so I give in wearily and we was once +more encased in taxicabs and on our way to the sacred scene. Ben had +quite an argument with the drivers when he give 'em the address. They +kept telling him there wasn't a thing open down there, but he finally +got his aim understood. The New Yorker's petrified remains was carefully +tucked into the cab with Ben. + +And Ben suffered another cruel blow at the end of the ride. He climbed +out of the cab in a reverent manner, hoping to be overcome by the sight +of the cherished old home, and what did he find? He just couldn't +believe it at first. The dear old house had completely disappeared and +in its place was a granite office building eighteen stories high. Ben +just stood off and looked up at it, too overcome for words. Up near the +top a monster brass sign in writing caught the silver light of dawn. The +sign sprawled clear across the building and said PANTS EXCLUSIVELY. +Still above this was the firm's name in the same medium--looking like a +couple of them hard-lettered towns that get evacuated up in Poland. + +Poor stricken Ben looked in silence a long time. We all felt his +suffering and kept silent, too. Even Jeff Tuttle kept still--who all the +way down had been singing about old Bill Bailey who played the Ukelele +in Honolulu Town. It was a solemn moment. After a few more minutes of +silent grief Ben drew himself together and walked off without saying a +word. I thought walking would be a good idea for all of us, especially +Lon and Jeff, so Jake paid the taxi drivers and we followed on foot +after the chief mourner. The fragile New Yorker had been exhumed and +placed in an upright position and he walked, too, when he understood +what was wanted of him; he didn't say a word, just did what was told him +like one of these boys that the professor hypnotizes on the stage. I +herded the bunch along about half a block back of Ben, feeling it was +delicate to let him wallow alone in his emotions. + +We got over to Broadway, turned up that, and worked on through that +dinky little grass plot they call a square, kind of aimless like and +wondering where Ben in his grief would lead us. The day was well begun +by this time and the passing cars was full of very quiet people on their +way to early work. Jake Berger said these New Yorkers would pay for it +sooner or later, burning the candle at both ends this way--dancing all +night and then starting off to work. + +Then up a little way we catch sight of a regular old-fashioned horse-car +going crosstown. Ben has stopped this and is talking excitedly to the +driver so we hurry up and find he's trying to buy the car from the +driver. Yes, sir; he says its the last remnant of New York when it was +little and old and he wants to take it back to Nome as a souvenir. +Anybody might of thought he'd been drinking. He's got his roll out and +wants to pay for the car right there. The driver is a cold-looking old +boy with gray chin whiskers showing between his cap and his comforter +and he's indignantly telling Ben it can't be done. By the time we get +there the conductor has come around and wants to know what they're +losing all this time for. He also says they can't sell Ben the car and +says further that we'd all better go home and sleep it off, so Ben hands +'em each a ten spot, the driver lets off his brake, and the old ark +rattles on while Ben's eyes is suffused with a suspicious moisture, as +they say. + +Ben now says we must stand right on this corner to watch these cars go +by--about once every hour. We argued with him whilst we shivered in the +bracing winelike air, but Ben was stubborn. We might of been there yet +if something hadn't diverted him from this evil design. It was a string +of about fifty Italians that just then come out of a subway entrance. +They very plainly belonged to the lower or labouring classes and I +judged they was meant for work on the up-and-down street we stood on, +that being already torn up recklessly till it looked like most other +streets in the same town. They stood around talking in a delirious or +Italian manner till their foreman unlocked a couple of big piano boxes. +Out of these they took crowbars, axes, shovels, and other instruments of +their calling. Ben Sutton has been standing there soddenly waiting for +another dear old horse-car to come by, but suddenly he takes notice of +these bandits with the tools and I see an evil gleam come into his tired +eyes. He assumes a businesslike air, struts over to the foreman of the +bunch, and has some quick words with him, making sweeping motions of the +arm up and down the cross street where the horse-cars run. After a +minute of this I'm darned if the whole bunch didn't scatter out and +begin to tear up the pavement along the car-track on this cross street. +Ben tripped back to us looking cheerful once more. + +"They wouldn't sell me the car," he says, "so I'm going to take back a +bunch of the dear old rails. They'll be something to remind me of the +dead past. Just think! I rode over those very rails when I was a tot." + +We was all kind of took back at this, and I promptly warned Ben that +we'd better beat it before we got pinched. But Ben is confident. He says +no crime could be safer in New York than setting a bunch of Italians to +tearing up a street-car track; that no one could ever possibly suspect +it wasn't all right, though he might have to be underhanded to some +extent in getting his souvenir rails hauled off. He said he had told the +foreman that he was the contractor's brother and had been sent with this +new order and the foreman had naturally believed it, Ben looking like a +rich contractor himself. + +And there they was at work, busy as beavers, gouging up the very last +remnant of little old New York when it was that. Ben rubbed his hands in +ecstasy and pranced up and down watching 'em for awhile. Then he went +over and told the foreman there'd be extra pay for all hands if they got +a whole block tore up by noon, because this was a rush job. Hundreds of +people was passing, mind you, including a policeman now and then, but no +one took any notice of a sight so usual. All the same the rest of us +edged north about half a block, ready to make a quick getaway. Ben kept +telling us we was foolishly scared. He offered to bet any one in the +party ten to one in thousands that he could switch his gang over to +Broadway and have a block of that track up before any one got wise. +There was no takers. + +Ben was now so pleased with himself and his little band of faithful +workers that he even begun to feel kindly again toward his New Yorker +who was still standing in one spot with glazed eyes. He goes up and +tries to engage him in conversation, but the lad can't hear any more +than he can see. Ben's efforts, however, finally start him to muttering +something. He says it over and over to himself and at last we make out +what it is. He is saying: "I'd like to buy a little drink for the party +m'self." + +"The poor creature is delirious," says Jake Berger. + +But Ben slaps him on the back and tells him he's a good sport and he'll +give him a couple of these rails to take to his old New York home; he +says they can be crossed over the mantel and will look very quaint. The +lad kind of shivered under Ben's hearty blow and seemed to struggle out +of his trance for a minute. His eyes unglazed and he looks around and +says how did he get here and where is it? Ben tells him he's among +friends and that they two are the only born New Yorkers left in the +world, and so on, when the lad reaches into the pocket of his natty +topcoat for a handkerchief and pulls out with it a string of funny +little tickets--about two feet of 'em. Ben grabs these up with a strange +look in his eyes. + +"Bridge tickets!" he yells. Then he grabs his born New Yorker by the +shoulders and shakes him still further out of dreamland. + +"What street in New York is your old home on?" he demands savagely. The +lad blinks his fishy eyes and fixes his hat on that Ben has shook loose. + +"Cranberry Street," says he. + +"Cranberry Street! Hell, that's Brooklyn, and you claimed New York," +says Ben, shaking the hat loose again. + +"Greater New York," says the lad pathetically, and pulls his hat firmly +down over his ears. + +Ben looked at the imposter with horror in his eyes. "Brooklyn!" he +muttered--"the city of the unburied dead! So that was the secret of your +strange behaviour? And me warming you in my bosom, you viper!" + +But the crook couldn't hear him again, haying lapsed into his trance and +become entirely rigid and foolish. In the cold light of day his face now +looked like a plaster cast of itself. Ben turned to us with a hunted +look. "Blow after blow has fallen upon me to-night," he says tearfully, +"but this is the most cruel of all. I can't believe in anything after +this. I can't even believe them street-car rails are the originals. +Probably they were put down last week." + +"Then let's get out of this quick," I says to him. "We been exposing +ourselves to arrest here long enough for a bit of false sentiment on +your part." + +"I gladly go," says Ben, "but wait one second." He stealthily approaches +the Greater New Yorker and shivers him to wakefulness with another +hearty wallop on the back. "Listen carefully," says Ben as the lad +struggles out of the dense fog. "Do you see those workmen tearing up +that car-track?" + +"Yes, I see it," says the lad distinctly. "I've often seen it." + +"Very well. Listen to me and remember your life may hang on it. You go +over there and stand right by them till they get that track up and don't +you let any one stop them. Do you hear? Stand right there and make them +work, and if a policeman or any one tries to make trouble you soak him. +Remember! I'm leaving those men in your charge. I shall hold you +personally responsible for them." + +The lad doesn't say a word but begins to walk in a brittle manner toward +the labourers. We saw him stop and point a threatening finger at them, +then instantly freeze once more. It was our last look at him. We got +everybody on a north-bound car with some trouble. Lon Price had gone to +sleep standing up and Jeff Tuttle, who was now looking like the society +burglar after a tough night's work at his trade, was getting turbulent +and thirsty. He didn't want to ride on a common street car. "I want a +tashicrab," he says, "and I want to go back to that Louis Château room +and dance the tangle." But we persuaded him and got safe up to a +restaurant on Sixth Avenue where breakfast was had by all without +further adventure. Jeff strongly objected to this restaurant at first, +though, because he couldn't hear an orchestra in it. He said he couldn't +eat his breakfast without an orchestra. He did, however, ordering apple +pie and ice cream and a gin fizz to come. Lon Price was soon sleeping +like a tired child over his ham and eggs, and Jeff went night-night, +too, before his second gin fizz arrived. + +Ben ordered a porterhouse steak, family style, consuming it in a moody +rage like a man that has been ground-sluiced at every turn. He said he +felt like ending it all and sometimes wished he'd been in the cab that +plunged into one of the forty-foot holes in Broadway a couple of nights +before. Jake Berger had ordered catfish and waffles, with a glass of +Invalid port. He burst into speech once more, too. He said the nights in +New York were too short to get much done. That if they only had nights +as long as Alaska the town might become famous. "As it is," he says, "I +don't mind flirting with this city now and then, but I wouldn't want to +marry it." + +Well, that about finished the evening, with Lon and Jeff making the room +sound like a Pullman palace car at midnight. Oh, yes; there was one +thing more. On the day after the events recorded in the last chapter, as +it says in novels, there was a piece in one of the live newspapers +telling that a well-dressed man of thirty-five, calling himself Clifford +J. Hotchkiss and giving a Brooklyn address, was picked up in a dazed +condition by patrolman Cohen who had found him attempting to direct the +operations of a gang of workmen engaged in repairing a crosstown-car +track. He had been sent to the detention ward of Bellevue to await +examination as to his sanity, though insisting that he was the victim +of a gang of footpads who had plied him with liquor and robbed him of +his watch. I showed the piece to Ben Sutton and Ben sent him up a pillow +of forget-me-nots with "Rest" spelled on it--without the sender's card. + +No; not a word in it about the street-car track being wrongfully tore +up. I guess it was like Ben said; no one ever would find out about that +in New York. My lands! here it is ten-thirty and I got to be on the job +when them hayers start to-morrow A.M. A body would think I hadn't a care +on earth when I get started on anecdotes of my past. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14376 *** |