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diff --git a/14344-0.txt b/14344-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c69c1b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14344-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1154 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14344 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +February 27, 1892. + + + + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +V.--THE DUFFER AT CRICKET. + +To hear my remarks on the Cricket, in the Pavilion, you might think +that I had been a great player entirely, in my day. "Who is that +fine old English sportsman," you might ask, "who seems to have been +so intimate with MYNN, and FULLER PILCH, and CARPENTER, and HAYWARD +and TARRANT and JACKSON and C.D. MARSHAM? No doubt we see in him the +remains of a sterling Cricketer of the old school." And then when I +lay down the law on the iniquity of boundary hits, "always ran them +out in _my_ time," and on the tame stupidity of letting balls to the +off go unpunished, and the wickedness of dispensing with a long stop, +you would be more and more pursuaded that I had at least, played for +my county. Well, I _have_ played for my county, but as the county I +played for was Berwickshire, there is perhaps nothing to be so very +proud of in that distinction. But this I will say for the Cricketing +Duffer; he is your true enthusiast. When I go to Lord's on a summer +day, which of my contemporaries do I meet there? Not the men who +played for the University, not the KENNYS and MITCHELLS and BUTLERS, +but the surviving members of College Second Elevens in the old days of +Cowley Marsh, when every man brought his own bottle of Oxford wine for +luncheon. These are the veterans who contribute most to the crowd of +lookers-on. They never were of any use as players, but their hearts +were in the game, and from the game they will never be divorced. It is +an ill thing for an outsider to drop a remark about Cricket among us, +at about eleven o'clock in a country house smoking-room. After that +the time flies in a paradise of reminiscences, till about 4 A.M. or +some such "wee, short hour ayont the Twal'," if one may quote BURNS +without being insulted by all the numerous and capable wits of +Glasgow. Why is it that the Duffer keeps up his interest in Cricket, +while the good players cease to care much about it? Perhaps _their_ +interest was selfish; his is purely ideal, and consequently immortal. +To him Cricket was ever an unembodied joy of which he could make +nothing palpable; nothing subject to the cold law of averages. Mine +was 0.3. + +[Illustration] + +My own introduction to Cricket, as to Golf, was peculiarly poignant. I +and my brother, aged more or less about six or seven, were invited to +play by the local Club, and we each received exactly one very slow and +considerate lob. But his lob took him on the eye, and mine, kicking on +a bad wicket, had me on the knee-pan. The subsequent proceedings did +not interest us very much, but there is nothing like entering children +early at a manly pastime. + +Intellectual application will, to some extent, overcome physical +difficulties. By working at least five hours a day, and by reading the +_Cricket Field_ daily and nightly, I did learn to bowl a little, with +a kind of twist. This, while it lasted, in a bowlerless country, was +a delightful accomplishment. You got into much better sporting society +than you deserved, and, in remote parts of the pastoral districts +you were looked up to as one whose name had been in _Bell's Life_; +we still had _Bell's Life_ then. It was no very difficult matter to +bowl a rustic team for a score of runs or so, and all went merry as a +wedding bell. But, alas, when Drumthwacket played Tullochgorum, there +was a young Cambridge man staying with the latter chieftain. I began, +as I usually did, by "yorking" Tullochgorum's Piper and his chief +Butler, and his head Stalker, and then SMITH of King's came in. The +ground, as usual, had four sides. He hit me over the enclosure at +each of the four sides, for I changed my end after being knocked for +five fours in his first over. After that, my prestige was gone. The +rustics, instead of crawling about their wickets, took to walking +in and smacking me. This would not have mattered, if any of the +Drumthwacket team could have held a catch, and if the wicket-keeper +had not let SMITH off four times in one over. My character was lost, +and all was ended with me north of the Grampians, where the wickets +are peculiarly suitable to my style of delivery. + +As to batting, there is little that is pleasant to confess. As soon as +I got a distant view of a ball, I was ever tempted to whack wildly in +its direction. There was no use in waiting for it, the more I looked +at it the less I liked it. So I whacked, and, if you always do this, +a ball will sometimes land on the driving part of the bat, and then it +usually happened that my companion, striving for a five or a six, ran +me out. If he did not, I did not stay long. The wicket-keeper was a +person whose existence I always treated as _une quantité négligeable_, +and sometimes the ball would bound off his pads into the stumps. The +fielders would occasionally hold a catch, anything _may_ happen. On +the other hand there was this to be said for my style of batting, +that the most experienced Cricketer could not tell where or in what +direction I would hit any given ball. If it was on the off, that was +no reason why I should not bang it to square-leg, a stroke which has +become fashionable since my time, but in those old days, you did not +often see it in first-class Cricket. It was rather regarded as "an +agrarian outrage." Foreigners and ladies would find Cricket a more +buoyant diversion if all the world, and especially LEWIS HALL and +SHREWSBURY, played on my principles. Innings would not last so long. +Not so many matches would be drawn. The fielders would not catch cold. + +To speak of fielding is to revive unspeakable sorrows. For a +short-sighted man, whose fingers are thumbs, no post in the field +is exactly grateful. I have been at long-leg, and, watching the game +intently, have perceived the batters running, and have heard cries of +"well fielded!" These cries were ironical. The ball had been hit past +me, but I was not fortunate enough to observe the circumstance. A +fielder of this _calibre_ always ends by finding his way to short-leg. +A prudent man can do a good deal here by watching the umpire, dodging +when he dodges, and getting behind him on occasion. But I was not +prudent. I observed that a certain player hit very much behind the +leg, so there, "in the mad pride of intellectuality," I privily +stationed myself. He _did_ it very fine, very fine indeed, into my +eye. The same misfortune has attended me at short-slip; it should have +been a wicket, it was a black eye, or the loss of a tooth or two, as +might happen. In fact, I sometimes wonder myself at the contemptuous +frankness of my own remarks on the fielding at Lord's. For if a catch +could be missed (and most catches can), I was the man to miss it. +Swift ones used to hit me and hurt me, long ones I always misjudged, +little simple poppy ones spun out of my fingers. Now the unlucky thing +about Cricket, for a Duffer, is that your misfortunes do not hurt +yourself alone. It is not as in a single at Golf, it is not as in +fishing, or riding, or wherever you have no partner. To drop catches +is to madden the bowler not unnaturally, and to lengthen the period +of leather-hunting. Cricket is a social game, and its proficients +soon give the cold shoulder to the Duffer. He has his place, however, +in the nature of things. It is he who keeps up the enthusiasm, who +remembers every run that anybody I made in any given match. In fact, +at Cricket, the Duffer's mission is to be a "judge of the game;" I +don't mean an Umpire, very far from that. If you once let the Duffer +umpire he could ruin the stoutest side, and secure victory to the +feeblest. I may say that, at least in this capacity, I have proved +really useful to my party in country matches. But, in the long run, +my capacity even for umpiring came to be doubted, and now I am only +a critic of Cricket. There is none more relentless, not one with a +higher standard, at least where no personal feelings are concerned. +For I have remarked that, if a Cambridge man writes about an Oxford +victory (which he seldom has to do), or if an Oxford man writes on a +Cambridge victory (a frequent affliction), he always leaves you with +the impression that, in spite of figures, his side had at least a +moral triumph. These admirable writers have all been Duffers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TIMES CHANGE. + +_Shade of William the Conqueror._ "WHAT! THE PEOPLE OBJECT TO +ENCLOSING A FEW ACRES OF THIS OPEN SPACE FOR STATE PURPOSES--FOR THEIR +OWN BENEFIT? BY THE SPLENDOUR OF HEAVEN! I SHOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE +HEARD THE VARLETS OBJECT TO MY MAKING MILES OF IT SUCH--FOR _MINE_!" + +_Secretary for War._ "AH, YOUR MAJESTY HAD IN _YOUR_ TIMES NO _TIMES_ +TO RECKON WITH!"] + + * * * * * + +TIMES CHANGE. + + ["The 'Ranges Act' constitutes ... a standing menace to rights + of common wherever commons and open spaces exist."--_The + Times_.] + + "The old order changes, yielding place to new." + By Phoebus, you are right, mellifluous TENNYSON! + Could Norman WILLIAM this conjuncture view, + He'd greet our Progress with--well, scarce a benison; + He, though ranked high 'midst monarchs and commanders, + Had the same weakness as our troops in Flanders. + + ROBERT the Devil's ruthless son would clear + A county to make coverts, deer-runs, chaces. + What had he thought of modern notions queer + Concerning Common Rights and Open Spaces? + "The People--who are varlets!--still oppose them, + Whether the Powers that be make or enclose them!" + + "The People _versus_ Powers that Be!" Ah, yes! + Imperious Norman, that's a modern trial + That's always being argued more or less; + The Press keeps now such vigilant espial + On every grasping would-be public plunderer. + You, Sire, had not to reckon with "The Thunderer!" + + Times change, stark soldier, and we have the _Times_ + Premier to check and snub Chief Secretaries. + Counting land-grabbing high among earth's crimes + Would have amazed you! Public judgment varies. + You and your wolf-hound, WILLIAM, would not now + Try a "clean sweep,"--without a general row. + + Ask OTTO! He is somewhat in your style, + But he could tell you what new risks environ + The ancient art of Ruling. You may smile + At Print and Paper _versus_ Blood and Iron, + But Sovereign and Crown, though loved by many, + Stand now no chance against the Popular Penny. + + Ask Malwood's Squire again! He knows right well + The New Democracy,--and the New Forest; + _Our_ great Plantagenet, a true blue "Swell," + Fights for the People when their need is sorest. + In Norman BILLY he'd own small belief; + The People's WILLIAM is _his_ favourite chief. + + Your ghostly presence in these verdant glades + Might startle STANHOPE, musing on his Ranges, + But not the angriest of Royal Shades + May now arrest the progress of Time's changes. + True, much is yielded yet to Swelldom's "Sport," + But some aver that even _its_ time is short. + + No, Clearances and Rights of Common, now + Own not the sway of autocrats capricious. + Small use, great Shade, to knit that haughty brow, + And swear _your_ action would be expeditious. + The days of Curfew and of Forest Law + Are passed. _We_'re swayed by Justice--and Free Jaw! + + * * * * * + +"FOR VALUE RECEIVED."--Aldgate Ward changed Alderman LUSK for one +POUND. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH, BEFORE HE TURNS +LIKE A CRUSHED WORM. + +_Our Art Critic_ (_patronisingly_). "HA--HUM! WELL, YOUR COLOUR IS +FAIRLY DECENT, AND YOU HAVE NICISH FEELING FOR LIGHT AND SHADE, AND +_CHIAROSCURO_. BUT WHERE YOB ALWAYS FAIL TO PLEASE, SOMEHOW, IS IN +YOUR _EXECUTION_!" + +_Our Artist_. "MY _EXECUTION_? AH! JUST SO. I'VE NO DOUBT THAT +_YOURS_, NOW WOULD BE MORE GENERALLY POPULAR!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM PARLIAMENTARY EXAMINATION PAPER. + +_Question_.--Explain the term "Standing Orders." + +_Answer_ 1.--It means that when a visitor to the House has an order +for the Speaker's Gallery, and can't find a seat, he then becomes one +of the Standing Orders.--SISTE VIATOR. + +_Answer_ 2.--When a friendly M.P. sees three of us waiting for him, +takes us to the bar of the House, and orders drinks all round, which +we take standing.--BIBENDUM EST. + + * * * * * + +INDIA FOR THE IRISH!--"An amended estimate of the present Paddy Crop +has been published by the Local Government." (_Vide Times_ for Feb. +15.) What more can the most thorough Home-Rulers want, if they would +only be content to make their home in Burmah instead of Ireland? +"Local Government" can soon be developed, for 'tis but Home Rule in +the bud, and the "Paddy Crop" is already there. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE NEW RECORDER OF THE CITY OF LONDON.--"HALL There!" + + * * * * * + +"COMBINING AMUSEMENT WITH INSTRUCTION." + +(_A SKETCH AT THE COLLECTION OF INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE._) + + SCENE--_The Maddox Street Galleries. A large and appropriately + lighted room. Upon walls of a sombre crimson, various + Implements of Torture are arranged with considerable taste, + and an eye for decorative effect, the central space being + reserved for more elaborate contrivances in wood and iron. + Visitors discovered inspecting the Exhibition by the aid of + the excellent Catalogues, with the subdued appreciation of + persons conscious that they are spending a very pleasant and + profitable afternoon._ + +_Mr. Charnelhouse Goole_ (_as he enters, to Mrs. C.G._). Now, my dear, +the first thing I want to see is that Iron Maiden there's so much talk +about. I wonder whereabouts it is! + +_Mrs. C.G._ I think _that_ must be it, up at the other end of the +room. But don't you _think_, dear, it would be nicer to see the +_other_ things first, and keep that for the _last_? + +_Mr. C.G._ (_struck by the refinement of this suggestion_). Well, +upon, my word, AMINA, I almost think it would! + +_Mr. Frederic Frivell_ (_to his wife, whom he takes a marital pleasure +in shocking_). What fun those old fellows must have had in those days, +mustn't they? + +_Mrs. Frivell_ (_a serious lady_). I don't think fun is at _all_ the +right word, FREDERIC. I do _wish_ you wouldn't take these things so +lightly. I'm sure it's melancholy enough to look at all these horrid +machines, and think-- + +_Mr. F._ That Torture is a lost art? Isn't that what you were going to +say? But it's _not_, you know; we've refined it--that's all. Look at +the Photographer, and the Interviewer, and the Pathetic Reciter, and +the-- + + [_Mrs. F. endeavours to convince him that she didn't mean that + at all, and that he is comparing totally different things._ + +_An Aphoristic Uncle_ (_to an irreverent Nephew_). No. 89. "A +Long-spiked Wooden Roller, known as a 'Spiked Hare.'" You see, TOM, +my boy, the victim was--(_Describes the process._) "Some of the old +writers describe this torture as being most fearful," so the Catalogue +tells us. + +_Tom-my-boy_ (_after inspecting the spikes_). Well, do you know, +Uncle, I shouldn't be at all surprised if the old Johnnies weren't so +far out. + +_The Aph. Uncle._ Another illustration, my boy, of "Man's inhumanity +to Man"! + +_Tom-my-boy._ Not bad for you, Uncle--only you cribbed it out of the +Catalogue, you know! [_The A.U. gives him up._ + + _An Indulgent Parent enters, leading a small boy in a tall + hat, and is presently recognised by the A.U._ + +_The A.U._ So you've brought your son to see this collection, +hey? Well, it's of the greatest educational value to a thoughtful +youth--rich in moral and historical instruction! + +_The I.P._ Well, it was like this, you see. I had to take him to the +dentist's, and, finding we should have half-an-hour or so to spare +before he could attend to him, I thought we'd just drop in here and +amuse ourselves--eh, BOBBY? Wonderfully ingenious, you know, in +their way, some of these things! Now, _here's_ a thing--"A Spanish +mouth-pear, made of iron." You see, BOBBY, they forced it into the +mouth and touched a screw, and it sprang open, preventing the victim +from screaming. + +_Bobby_. Y-yes, father. Should you think Mr. Fawcepps will have one of +those? + +_The I.P._ (_annoyed_). Now, what _is_ the use of my taking you to a +place of this sort to divert your thoughts, if your mind is running +on something else all the time? I won't have it, do you hear. Enjoy +yourself like a sensible boy! + +_Bobby_. Y-yes, Father, I am. It--it's quite cured my toothache +already--_really_ it has! + +_Mrs. Frivell_ (_reading from Catalogue_). "A Penitent's Girdle, made +of barbed wire, which, when worn next to the flesh, caused the most +unpleasant and uncomfortable irritation." Oh, FREDERIC, just fancy +that! + +_Mr. F._ My dear CECILIA, I can _quite_ fancy it! + +_Mrs. F._ But I thought these tortures were only for _Malefactors_. +Why do they call it a _Penitent's_ Girdle? + +_Mr. F._ Can't say,--unless because he generally repented having put +it on. + +_Mrs. F._ I don't think that _can_ be the real reason. + +_Two English House-maids_ (_to a small German Page-Boy who is +escorting them_). Here, JOHNNIE, what's _this_ mean? (_Reads from +Catalogue the motto on an Executioner's Sword._) "Di Herrin' sturin +dem Unheel ick exequire ir End Urthile." Come, _you_ ought to know! + +_Johnnie_ (_not unnaturally at a loss_). It means--it means--somding I +do not understandt. + +_The Housemaids_ (_disappointed in him_). Well, you _are_ a boy! I +_did_ think, bein' German yourself, you'd be quite at _'ome_ 'ere! + +_Mr. Ernest Stodgely_ (_impressively, to Miss FEATHERHEAD, his +fiancée_). Just look at this, FLOSSIE. (_Reading._) "Executioner's +Cloak, very long, of red woollen material; presumably red so as not to +show blood-spots or stains." Hideously suggestive that, is it not? + +_Miss Flossie._ I shouldn't call it exactly _hideous_, ERNEST. Do +you know, I was just thinking that, with a high Astrachan collar, you +know, and old silver fastenings, it would make rather a nice winter +cloak. So deliciously warm! [_ERNEST avails himself of a lover's +privileges to lecture her severely._ + + IN FRONT OF THE IRON MAIDEN. + +_Mr. Ch. Goole._ So _this_ is the Iron Maiden! Well, I expected +something rather more dreadful-looking. The face has really quite a +pleasant expression. [_Disappointedly._ + +[Illustration: "Oh, but I think that makes it so much _more_ horrible, +don't you?"] + +_Mrs. Ch. G._ (_with subtler appreciation_). Oh, but I think that +makes it so much _more_ horrible, don't _you_? + +_Mr. Ch. G._ Well, I don't know--perhaps. But there ought to be a +wax figure inside it. They ought to have wax figures on most of these +things--make it much more interesting! + +_Mr. Frivell_ (_who is close by_). I quite agree with you, +Sir--indeed, I would go farther. I think there should be competent +persons engaged to provide practical illustrations of all the more +amusing tortures--say from three to five every afternoon. Draw all +London! + +_Mrs. F._ (_horrified_). FRED, you _know_ you don't mean it! And +besides, you would _never_ get people willing to be shut up inside +that thing! + +_Mr. F._ My dear, I'm perfectly serious, as I always am. And as to +not getting subjects, why--(_He beckons to one of the Boy-Messengers +in waiting, who advances_). Look here, my lad, you seem a bright +intelligent youth. Would you mind just stepping inside and allowing us +to close the door? We won't detain you an instant. + +_Mrs. F._ What a shame, FRED! Don't _think_ of such a thing, there's a +good boy! Say no--and I'll give you sixpence! + +_The Boy_ (_grinning_). Well, Lady, make it a shillin', and I'll stay +outside--to oblige you! + +_Mrs. F._ (_giving him a shilling_). There's a good sensible boy! +FREDERIC, have you gone _quite_ mad? You know you wouldn't hurt a fly? + + [_The GOOLES move away, feeling that they have been trifled + with._ + +_Mr. F._ A fly? Not for the world!--but this is only a boy. I want to +know what they're here _for_. Now, my lad, you're not engaged to be +_idle_, you know. Just think of the amount of innocent pleasure you +would afford by getting into this spiked cradle and letting me rock +you. You won't? Well, will you sit on the Spanish Donkey? come! I'll +give you a leg up and fasten the weights on your legs for you. You +aren't afraid of a donkey? + + [_Bystanders collect in hope of amusement._ + +_The Boy_ (_sulkily_). Not of _some_ Donkeys, Sir, as ain't quite so +sharp as that one, whatever they think theirselves! + + [_Titters. Mr. F.F. feels that he has got rather the worst + of it, and collapses, with the dismal completeness of a Funny + Man; Mrs. F. remains behind to bribe the boy with another + shilling to promise her solemnly never on any account to play + with any of the tortures._ + +_Mrs. F._ (_rejoining her husband_). FREDERIC, how _can_ you? You make +me feel perfectly _faint_ when you act like this! + +_Mr. F._ (_recovering_). Faint, CECILIA? Well, I daresay they won't +mind if you sit down in one of these spiked chairs for a minute or +two. + +_Mrs. F._ (_angrily_). I shall do no such thing, FREDERIC! And you +ought to be _ashamed_ to suggest it! + +_Mrs. Borrodale_ (_choosing photographs of Nuremberg_). Look, JOHN, +what a lovely large one of the _Sebald's Kirche_! I really _must_ +have this. Oh, and the _Insel Schutt_--and this of the _Schöne +Brunnen_--and the view from the _Burg_--that makes the half-dozen. +They will be joys for _ever_, JOHN! And _only_ three shillings each! +Will you pay the boy for them, JOHN, please--it's just eighteen +shillings. + +_John_. Can't, my dear. Only half-a-crown in my pocket. Don't you +remember, I lent you my last sov. not five minutes ago? + +_Mrs. B._ Oh, so you did. Well, on second thoughts, perhaps this +size is rather--I think I'll take five of the sixpenny ones +instead--they're every bit as good. You can spare me that half-crown, +JOHN! + +_A Patriot_ (_coming out_). Well, it's just the same 'ere as +everywhere else. All the things "made in Germany"! Sickenin' _I_ call +it! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MEETING OF THE "BANDY" ASSOCIATION + +FOR THE PROMOTION OF "HOCKEY ON THE ICE."] + + * * * * * + +RICE AND PRUNES. + +[Illustration] + + Rice and prunes a household journal + Called the chief of household boons: + Hence my mother cooks diurnal + Rice and prunes. + + Therefore on successive noons, + Sombre fruit and snowy kernel + Woo reluctant forks and spoons. + + As the ear, when leaves are vernal, + Wearies of the blackbird's tunes, + So we weary of eternal + Rice and prunes. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD FRIEND AT THE CRITERION.--Time flies, and _Fourteen Days_, +occupying only a couple of hours or so at the Criterion, goes +wonderfully. CHARLES WYNDHAM is the life and soul of the piece, and +the giddy GIDDENS is another life and soul. Miss MARY MOORE, charming +as ever, with a clearness of "dictation," as Mrs. MALAPROP would +say, that is in itself a delight to the ear. Every word she speaks is +distinct, and, which is more to the purpose, every telling word tells. +_Fourteen Days_ is a survival and revival of one of H.J. BYRON's +fittest. If it "catches on" once more, as it ought to do, it might run +fourteen weeks, and then,--"Next please!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Q.E.D. + +"_MAY_ I ASK YOU HOW YOU MANAGE TO KEEP YOUR LITTLE PET SO SLEEK AND +THIN?" + +"I DON'T KNOW. IT HAS ITS LUNCH AND DINNER WITH ME EVERY DAY." + +"WELL, SO DOES MINE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 15._--A lively sitting, with an +unexpected ending. Debate on Address resumed by SEXTON in excellent +speech, an effect largely contributed to by comparative brevity. Only +an hour long; remarkable compression. Would have been better still +had it been reduced by the twenty minutes occupied in preliminary +observations. At twenty-five minutes past four he rose to move +Amendment condemnatory of Land Purchase Act of last year. Precisely at +a quarter to five came to his amendment, and began to recommend it to +House. But mustn't complain. An excellent beginning for new Session +that may further develop. + +"An oratorical eel," SAUNDERSON, later in sitting, likened Member +for West Belfast to; charming simile, with just that mixture of +graphicness and incongruity that only Irish wit could flash upon. +Not meant to be uncomplimentary, for SAUNDERSON, like the rest, +acknowledges capacity of SEXTON in debate; his clear insight, his +capacity for grasping a subject, his aptness of illustration, his +quickness of retort, and, alack! the embarrassment of the wealth of +language. If he could only economise that, and guard against the +fatal fluency that besets him, converting what might be a sharp direct +speech of twenty minutes into a windy weariness of hour-and-a-half or +two hours, he would take high rank among Parliamentary debaters. + +DIZZY once said the occasions when a man addressing House of Commons +need exceed twenty minutes, come to him only twice or thrice in a +lifetime. He did more than preach; he carried into practice his own +principle with success. Very rarely in later years, even when Leader +of House of Commons, did he exceed twenty minutes, and all his +most successful interpositions in debate were on that plan. When, +occasionally, he felt that circumstances demanded a long and laboured +address, his labour was in vain. + +Capital speech, too, of quite another kind, from DUNBAR BARTON. Most +promising maiden speech delivered in present Parliament; of good +omen that best parts were not those prepared in leisure of study, +put the earlier passages evoked by preceding debate, and necessarily +impromptu. As for SAUNDERSON, he was in his best form. + +"SAUNDERSON," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, recognising a kindred +spirit, "always reminds me of those Lifeguardsmen you see at the +Military Festival, riding round Agricultural Hall slashing off heads. +The heads are dummies, and no harm is done; but it's a pretty sight." + +The Colonel rides well, and is a skilful swordsman. + +Delight of audience crowding in after dinner completed by TIM HEALY +dashing in with intent to trip up Colonel. Domestic difficulties in +the Party have not smoothed down TIM's natural truculence. With JOHN +REDMOND sitting behind him and SAUNDERSON in front, a porcupine in +fretful mood is a ball of spun silk compared with TIM. + +After this RADCLIFFE COOKE and collapse, with the prospect of +proceedings droning on till midnight, then adjournment, and begin +again to-morrow. Suddenly, on stroke of twelve, Closure moved. House +completely taken aback. Whilst it sat gasping under shock SPEAKER +declared Closure carried; bells rang through all the corridors; +Members trooped in to find Division imminent. When figures declared, +showing Government had been surprised into narrow majority of 21, +fresh wave of excitement welled forth, amid which Address was, +somehow, agreed to. Members went off into snowstorm, cheering and +laughing as if there had never before been such larks. + +_Business done_.--Address agreed to. + +_Tuesday Night_.--GRANDOLPH turned up to-day; took his familiar +corner seat; tugged at his old moustache; caressed his new beard, and +listened to SEALE HAYNE recklessly attacking the sacred institution of +Justiciary of the Peace. + +"Nothing changed, TOBY, dear boy," he said; "not even the Ministry. +When I came back from Mashonaland I was told we were on the eve of +political earthquake. The House of Commons was to be transformed into +a cockpit; the Benches steepled in the gore of an iniquitous Ministry. +But, except for some vacant places and some further advancement of +privates in the little band I once officered, it's all the same, only +a little drearier. The same throng in the Lobby, the same rows of +Members sitting on the Benches, the same Mace on the Table, the same +stately figure in the Chair, and the same Sergeants-at-Arms relieving +guard at the Cross Benches. There are not quite the same two Irish +Leaders, for BRER FOX has 'gone away.' BRER RABBIT I see sitting +over there with his kindly face and his friendly smile, perhaps the +only Irishman in the House who, if a coat were trailed before him, +would turn away from temptation. It's only Irishmen, with their +inexhaustible fund of humour, who would have put JUSTIN MCCARTHY in +his present place. Doesn't much matter so long as TIM HEALY's around. +I'll bet my gold mine at Mashonaland against the Kennel, Barks, that +TIM will make up the average of fighting even when BRER RABBIT in the +scale." + +[Illustration: A GIFT FROM THE GREEKS. + +RIGHT HON. ARTHUR. "IF I CAN ONLY GET THIS THROUGH, IT OUGHT TO SETTLE +'EM!"] + + +There's one thing changed GRANDOLPH did not allude to; perhaps +unconscious of it. 'Tis his own appearance. In addition to the beard, +he has put on ruddy tint that speaks well for Mashonaland as a health +resort compared with Westminster. Amongst the pale-faced legislators +his visage shines like the morning sun. "Quite a Colonial look about +him," says ALGERNON BORTHWICK, fretfully. "But, after a few dinners at +the Amphitryon and a few nights at the House and elsewhere, he'll get +over it." + +Members from all parts crowd round GRANDOLPH to shake the horny hand +of the intrepid explorer, the dauntless lion _dompter_. A cold air +whistles along the row of Ministers as he sits behind. + +"What's he up to?" JOKIM hoarsely whispered, all his native gaiety +eclipsed. + +"Come down, I suppose," said Prince ARTHUR, smiling, "to congratulate +us on our great victory last night, whereby we escaped defeat in +Debate on Address by triumphant majority of 21." + +"Quite a stormy petrel don't you think?" JOKIM said, nervously rubbing +his hands. + +"Not exactly," said Prince ARTHUR; "that usually comes before the +storm you know. If you must be personal and ornithological, I should +say GRANDOLPH's appearance on the scene is more reminiscent of the +vulture; a little hasty in his appearance perhaps, but that is none +the less significant." + +_Business done._--Practically none, and so home to dinner at twenty +minutes to eight. + +_Thursday Night._--Prince ARTHUR explained provisions of +long-looked-for Local Government scheme. A remarkable, unexampled, +scene. House crowded on every Bench, with Duke of DEVONSHIRE looking +down from Peers' Gallery, thanking Heaven he is out of it. Prince +ARTHUR's manner in introducing the measure in keeping with the strange +surroundings. Might reasonably have been expected that he would have +been at pains to recommend the Bill to acceptance of House. Not a +bit of it. If people insisted upon regarding it as the most important +business of Session, Prince ARTHUR couldn't help it. But he certainly +would not foster the delusion. In its potentiality of beneficent +effect, the Bill nothing in comparison with the Coercion Act or the +Light Railways Act. + +"A poor thing," he said, in effect, and did not add, "but mine own." + +If it was not his, certainly no one else would own it. Irish Members +received it with jeers. JOHN MORLEY denounced it as a monstrous +imposture. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD benignantly affected to regard it as a +little joke with which Ministers designed to vary a dull Session. +But a joke may be carried too far; better drop this now, and go to +business. + +Oddly enough, the storm of contumely had effect of inspiring Prince +ARTHUR with new affection for his unwelcomed offspring, adding to the +strength of his evidently new conviction that the proposed expedient +was sound, and, if accepted, would prove efficacious. + +"And what do _you_ think of the Tory scheme of Home Rule," I asked +JUSTIN MCCARTHY, when it was all over. + +"_Timeo Danaos, et dona ferentes_," he said, dropping into his native +Celtic speech. "But in this case there is no room for apprehension. +BALFOUR may leave this wooden horse outside the gates for a month, and +the Trojans wouldn't touch it with a pair of tongs." + +Prince ARTHUR grew more confident as the clouds gathered. + +"I see very well," he said, "if I'm to stable this horse in the Home +Rule Troy, I must drag it all the way myself. I shall get no help +from either section of the garrison. But it's got to be done, and +I'll buckle-to. Once through, it will settle the more than ten years' +siege." + +_Business done._--Prince ARTHUR left tugging away at his wooden horse. + +_Friday Night._--House of Lords almost deserted. HALSBURY punctual in +his place, making most of opportunities on Woolsack whilst they yet +remain. + +"Here to-day and gone to-morrow, TOBY," he remarked, with forced +gaiety; "but, when I hand in the Seals of Office, I shall at least +have the serene assurance to cheer me in my retirement that the whole +of my family, including collateral branches, have been provided for." + +Amongst the prevailing dolour, the MARKISS in high spirits. + +"Things not looking well in the Commons or the country, I admit," he +says; "but all is not lost yet. I have still a card to play, and I +believe it will score the trick. We shall presently have to go to the +country, and fight a confident Opposition. Successful Foreign Policy +is played out. Free Education has brought us no support; trifling +with Home Rule in Ireland will bring us enemies. Am convinced that +the thing to go to the country on is the fog. MIDDLETON's our man. +Been thinking over it for a week. See it now; shall take up question +of London fog; devise some means of battling with it; and then let +the worst come. A Government that has fought the fog will at least +carry London, and, London ours, we shall be able to stem the tide of +anarchy." + +_Business done_.--The MARKISS takes a great resolution. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE HUNTING OF THE HARCOURT." + +_(According to Fancy Sketch by "Observer" in the "Times.") "O where +and O where is our Harcourt Laddie gone?"_] + + * * * * * + +PADDYWHACK AND DR. BIRCH.--Everyone knows what "the Assisted Education +(Ireland) Bill" is. Why should not an Assisted Education (England) +Bill be brought in to enable public school-boys to secure, without +payment of any additional fee beyond that included for "swishing" +in the Bill sent home to the parents, the specimen of the legal +instrument with which their education may have been most helpfully +assisted? + + * * * * * + +"BECKY THE SECOND."--Those comparatively few who answered our query +as to where "the good _Becky_, the very opposite of _Becky_ in _Vanity +Fair_, was to be found in THACKERAY's works," and have referred us to +_A Shabby Genteel Story_, are right. The many who hit upon _Rebecca_ +in the burlesque of _Ivanhoe_ mistook the question. + + * * * * * + +A CORRESPONDENT, signing himself "IGNORAMUS," writes to inquire "The +address of a Society called 'The London French Polishers.'" He says, +"I want my French polished up a bit before going to Paris." + + * * * * * + +"VIVE LA LIBERTÉ!" + +The _Era_ at one time used to enjoy a monopoly of strangely, but +purely professionally-worded advertisements; but now the _Daily +Telegraph_ is creeping up and commencing to occupy the _Era's_ +special domain. One day last week in the _D.T._ the following +notice appeared:--"Mr. CHARLES SUGDEN at liberty.--Address, &c." "At +Liberty!" How will this sound to the uninitiated millions? Taking for +granted that the readers, whose name is Legion, know perfectly well +who and what Mr. CHARLES SUGDEN is, having a lively recollection +of this talented actor as among the best representatives of bad +characters (excepting perhaps that of _William of Orange_, which was +Mr. SUGDEN's _chef d'oeuvre_, and about whose character there are +strong differences of opinion), will they not unnaturally be led +to inquire how, why, when and wherefore Mr. SUGDEN ever came to be +deprived of his liberty, and under what circumstances he has been +restored to it, or it to him? "At Liberty!" It has a grand and +glorious sound! This distinguished Thespian was never an "hereditary +bondsman," then why not always "at liberty"? But, be this as it may, +once more "the Rover is free!" SUGDEN is a name honourable behind and +before the foot-lights. In the Courts of Law it is a Legal Light, and +among Gas Companies the Sugden Burner is, we believe, justly famous. +Whatever the announcement may or may not mean, all sons of Liberty +will rejoice that this eccentric comedian is once more free, and on +the stage he will be again most welcome. + + * * * * * + +"Are you staying in town?" "No," answered Mrs. R.; "I'm going _au +contraire_." Which, she subsequently explained, was French for going +into the country. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +GENERAL _BOOM_BASTES. + +_Solo and Chorus._ + +AIR--"_Piff! Paff! Pouf!" from "La Grande Duchosse."_ + + "ET PUFF! PUFF! PUFF! + ET TARA PARA POUM! + JE SUIS, MOI, LE GÉNÉRAL BOOM! BOOM!" + + [_Repeats it ad lib._] + + * * * * * + +ON RELIGIOUS CYMBALISM. + +The Salvationist Bands which perform in and out of London--(would +that they were restricted as the Moore and Burgess Minstrels restrict +themselves to one hall, never or "hardly ever," performing out +of London!)--everywhere and anywhere without respecting illness, +or the hours of public worship in our Churches and Chapels, or +the necessities of repose, show thereby a distinct want of that +consideration for the feelings of their fellow-citizens which simple +Christian folk call Charity. These Booth performers--which designation +savours suggestively of Mountebanks--would do well to play their +peculiar music and sing their peculiar hymns within the four walls +of their own places of worship, employing the intervals essential +for gaining of wind and for rest of muscle in meditating, perhaps +breathlessly, on the inspired Pauline teaching which will inform them +that even the works of an Apostle, if he have not charity, will be as +"sounding brass and tinkling cymbals," making indeed a great noise in +the world, but as one WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE has said, being mere "sound +and fury signifying nothing." "Liberty of Worship" by all means, +but not such Liberty for any one particular form of worship which, +interfering with the freedom of others, speedily degenerates into +fanatical licence, and so becomes a nuisance as intolerant as it is +intolerable. + + * * * * * + +ANGLO-AMERICAN FRENCH.--A new word must be added to our French +dictionaries. In _Le Figaro_ for Feb. 15, in an article on HECTOR +MALOT, occurs this expression, "_en ce temps de puffisme littéraire_." +In English we have had the word and the thing too, since the time of +SHERIDAN's _Critic_, but is any student of French journalism familiar +with it in the Parisian newspapers? + + * * * * * + +THE FANCY BALL. + +[Illustration] + + You came as GRETCHEN, hair of gold + And face so exquisitely sweet, + That I, like FAUST, had _certes_ sold + Myself, to win you, MARGUERITE. + Each plait enmeshed my struggling heart, + That wildly beat against my will; + And though at last we had to part, + In Dreamland I could see you still. + + Another night, with tresses dark, + And kirtle strewn with _fleurs-de-lys_, + You came a flashing JOAN OF ARC, + Destructive of my bosom's peace. + The sword was girt upon your hip, + And thine the Maid's heroic glance; + I seemed to hear upon your lip, + The watchword of her life, "For France!" + + Anon I saw thee as the Queen + Who held so many hearts in fee; + But MARY STUART scarce had been, + Methinks, so beautiful as thee. + I fain had gone and splintered lance, + As in the old days in our realm; + To win a kind approving glance, + And wear your glove upon my helm. + + What, stately EDITH! Lives there yet + The lady of that royal line, + The peerless proud Plantagenet, + Will KENNETH's great emprise be mine? + We saw how high his hopes could soar; + We know the guerdon that he won. + Shall I find favour, as of yore + Did DAVID, Earl of Huntingdon? + + 'Tis certain, in whatever guise + You come, as heroine of song + Or story, to my faithful eyes + You shine the fairest of the throng. + However fanciful you be, + Whatever fancy dress befalls; + My fancy paints you fancy-free, + To fancy me at Fancy Balls! + + * * * * * + +THE REAL NINE POINTS OF THE LAW.--Costs. + + * * * * * + +THE UNOBSERVED OF ONE "OBSERVER." + +From the account given by "OBSERVER" in the _Times_, it might be +inferred that "HARCOURT! HARCOURT!" was shouted all over the House, +in the lobbies, through the smoking-room, in the library, through +the cellars, in fact, everywhere within the sacred precincts, on +one memorable night, while at that very moment the wily Sir WILLIAM, +tucked comfortably up in his little bed, was murmuring softly to +himself, "HARCOURT! indeed! '_Ha! not caught_,' more likely!" and +so sweetly fell asleep. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. read aloud from the latest Report of "B. and F. Bible +Society," "One cannot help thinking of the glorious field of labour +which lies open here before the Colporteur, and of the pleasant way +in which his labours are appreciated by all." But the worthy lady +pronounced colporteur as coalporter, and so on hearing from a +friend that "the Coalporters were on strike," Mrs. R. could not help +exclaiming, "Dear! how ungrateful of them, when they were being 'so +much appreciated by all!'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WESTMINSTER WAX-WORK SHOW FOR THE SESSION 1892. +ROOM 2.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +In _Tess of the D'Urbevilles_ (published by Messrs. OSGOOD, MCILVAINE +& CO.), Mr. THOMAS HARDY has given us a striking work of fiction, +bold in design, and elaborate in finish. The characters, with one +exception, are as true to life as are his graphic descriptions of +nature's own scenery; true that is to the types of such rural life as +he professes to represent,--the life led in our Christian country by +thousands and thousands of genuine Pagans, superstitious Boeotians, +with whom the schoolmaster can do but little, and the parson still +less. As to the clergymen who appear in this story, two of them are +priggishly academic, a third is a comfortable antiquarian, and the +fourth unacquainted with even the A.B.C. of his own pastoral theology. + +[Illustration: A BRIGHT PARTICULAR STAR IN THE MILKY WAY. + +Showing how an Angel without wings played on the harp to Milkmaid Tess +of the Tubbyveals, who was so proud of her calves.] + +Since THACKERAY's _Captain Costigan_, and TOM ROBERTSON's dramatic +variation of him as _Eccles_ in _Caste_, no more original type of the +besotted, no-working working-man, has been given us ("at least, as far +as I am aware," interpolates the Baron, with a possible reservation) +than _Tess's_ father, _Durbeyfield_. His foolish wife, _Joan_, kindly +in a way, a fair housewife and helpmate, yet deficient in moral sense, +is another admirably-drawn character. + +The only blot on this otherwise excellent work is the absurdly +melodramatic character of that "villain of the deepest dye," _Alec +D'Urbeville_, who would be thoroughly in his element in an Adelphi +Drama of the most approved type, ancient or modern. He is just the +sort of stage-scoundrel who from time to time seeks to take some mean +advantage of a heroine in distress, on which occasions said heroine +(of Adelphi Drama) will request him to "unhand her," or to "stand +aside and let her pass;" whereupon the dastardly ruffian retaliates +with a diabolical sneer of fiendish malice, his eyes ablaze with +passion, as, making his melodramatic exit at the O.P. wing, he growls, +"Aha! a day will come!" or "She must and shall be mine!" or, if +not making his exit, but remaining in centre of stage to assist in +forming a picture, he exclaims, with fiendish glee, "Now, pretty one, +you are in my power!" and so forth. 'Tis a great pity that such a +penny-plain-and-two-pence-coloured scoundrel should have been allowed +so strong a part among Mr. HARDY's excellent and unconventional +_dramatis personæ_. Even the very, very strong ejaculations wherein +this bold bad man indulges on the slightest provocation belong to the +most antiquated vocabulary of theatrical ruffianism. However, there +he is, and all the perfumes of the Vale of Blackmoor will not suffice +for dispelling the strong odour of the footlights which pervades +every scene where this unconscionable scoundrel makes his appearance. +That he is ultimately disposed of by being stuck to the heart with +the carving-knife that had been brought in for cold-beef slicing at +breakfast, is some satisfaction. But far be it from the Baron to give +more than this hint in anticipation of the tragic _dénoûment_. Some +might accuse Mr. THOMAS HARDY of foolhardiness in so boldly telling +ugly truths about the Pagan Phyllises and Corydons of our dear old +Christian England; but we, his readers, have the author's word for +the truth of what he has written, as "the fortunes of _Tess of the +D'Urbevilles, a Pure Woman_," are "faithfully presented," by THOMAS +HARDY, and so his honour is pledged to the truth of this story which +his powers of narration have made so fascinating to a host of readers +besides the one who is a host in himself, namely, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +JUSTICE FOR JUSTICE! + + SCENE--_A Court of Justice. Prisoner, a young man of + eighteen, in the dock, weeping bitterly. His Uncle stands + before him, and occasionally offers him smelling salts. + General commiseration amongst the spectators, many of whom + are ladies armed with opera-glasses. Police Constable under + cross-examination._ + +_Counsel for the Defence._ And so, Constable, you had actually the +heart to read the warrant to the Prisoner? + +_Witness._ I did, Sir, in the execution of my duty. + +_Coun. for the Def._ (_scornfully_). Duty! and to this he said +nothing? + +_Wit._ (_in a low tone_). Nothing, Sir--nothing! + +_Coun. for the Def._ And I am not surprised! He might well +say nothing to such an announcement! HE, a Gentleman by +birth--education--everything--to be accused of forgery! It is +_too_ cruel! + +_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_courteously but firmly_). I do not wish to +control the management of your case, Mr. MCSLANGER, but the time +for you to address the Jury has not yet arrived. + +_Coun. for Def._ (_submissive but sulky_). As your Lordship pleases. + + [_Resumes his seat._ + +_Usher_ (_calling_). Admiral CUTTERMAN! + +_Admiral_ (_in a low tone_). Here! + + [_He leaves the Prisoner, first handing him the smelling + salts, and enters the Witness Box._ + +_Council for the Prosecution_ (_after the Witness has been sworn_). +I think you are here on subpoena served by the Treasury. + +_Witness_ (_with a glance of sadness at the Dock_). Had I not been +summoned to be present by those in authority, not the entreaties of +magicians would have brought me here! + +_Coun. for the Pros._ I take it you are an unwilling Witness? + +_Witness_ (_with difficulty suppressing acute emotion_). A most, a +very most unwilling Witness! + +_Coun. for the Def._ (_scornfully_). Unwilling! + +_Coun. for the Pros._ (_in a tone of remonstrance_). I really must beg +my learned friend to refrain from disturbing the proceedings. These +constant interruptions are most annoying. + +_Coun. for the Def._ (_with force and violence_). I cannot +sufficiently express my indignation-- + +_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_sharply_). Then do not make the attempt. + +_Coun. for the Def._ (_surlily_). As your Lordship pleases. +[_Subsides._ + +_Coun. for the Pros._ But, in spite of being an unwilling Witness, you +undoubtedly saw the Prisoner forge your name? + +_Witness_ (_with his handkerchief to his eyes_). Alas! I did! + + [_A pause, during which everyone regains equanimity._ + +_Coun. for Def._ (_on renewal of proceedings_). And so you are the +Uncle of the Prisoner? + +_Witness_ (_sadly_). Yes, I am. + +_Coun. for Def._ Still you are here, and are pushing that poor lad to +the prison-door! (_Prisoner snivels._) Yes, you are dealing him (one +of your own flesh and blood) a never-to-be-recalled injury! + +_Witness_ (_plucking up spirit_). Only my duty, Sir. I obey only my +duty! + +_Coun. for Def._ Your duty! Why, man, how can it be your duty? + +_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_seriously_). Again I must interpose. (_To_ +Counsel.) Mr. MCSLANGER, I must once more remind you that your +business at present is to ask questions, not to make speeches. + +_Coun. for Def._ But, my Lord, the task is a difficult one. + +_Mr. Justice Punch._ If you find it beyond your powers, no doubt some +of your colleagues will come willingly to your assistance. + +_Coun. for Def._ No, my Lord, I do not mean what your Lordship means. +I am quite capable of performing the duties it has been my pleasure +and pride to accept. + +_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_wearily_). Pray let us get on? + +_Coun. for Def._ Do you not think it a grossly cruel and revolting +thing that a man should give evidence against his near relative? + +_Witness_ (_greatly agitated_). My Lord, I appeal to you, is it fair +that I should be treated in this fashion? + +_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_emphatically_). No, it is not! You are here, +Sir, in performance of a solemn duty--to assist the ends of justice in +the punishment, and consequently prevention, of crime. It is not right +that in the witness-box you should be badgered and insulted as if you +were worthy of the dock! One can feel some sympathy with the +relatives of the prisoner, because he appears to have had respectable +surroundings. But if he is convicted of forgery, it will be his own +fault! I shall accept the verdict as a proof that education and birth +are not safeguards to prevent crime. And as for you, Sir (_turning +angrily to_ Coun. for Def.), let me tell you that you degrade your +office when you make the wig and the gown the shield of the brute and +the bully. Let us have no more of it! + +_Coun. for Def._ (_subdued but depressed_). As your Lordship pleases. + +_Mr. Justice Punch._ It does so please me, and I think that it will +equally please all my learned brothers who sit in Royal Courts +to follow my example! It is time that the Witness, as well as the +accused, received proper protection. I hope my words will be taken to +heart in another place! + + [_The Scene closes in on his Lordship's suggestion._ + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, February 27, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14344 *** |