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diff --git a/old/14321-h/14321-h.htm b/old/14321-h/14321-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..34f9e6b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14321-h/14321-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2398 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, February 20, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, +Feb. 20, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 20, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 10, 2004 [EBook #14321] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 20, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" + id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> + + <h2>JIM'S JOTTINGS.</h2> + + <h4>No. II.—RATS'-RENTS, THE RENTERS AND THE RENTED.</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In which GINGER JIMMY gives his views of Lazarus, + Dives, Dirt, Mother Church, Slum-Freeholders and "Freedom + of Contract."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/85.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The Golgotha of Slumland!" That's a phrase as I am + told</p> + + <p>Is made use of by a party,—wich that party + must be bold,—</p> + + <p>In the name of Mister LAZARUS, a good Saint Pancrage + gent,</p> + + <p>Wot has writ a book on Slumland, and its Landlords, + and its Rent.<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He's a Member of the "Westry 'Ealth Committee," so + it seems,</p> + + <p>And the story wot he tells will sound, <i>to + some</i>, like 'orrid dreams.</p> + + <p>But, lor bless yer! <i>we</i> knows better, and if + sech 'cute coves as 'im</p> + + <p>Want to ferret hout the <i>facks</i>, they might + apply to GINGER JIM.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's the mischief in these matters; them as knows + won't always tell.</p> + + <p>Wy, if you want to spot a "screw," or track up a bad + smell,</p> + + <p>You've got to be a foxer, for whilst slums makes + topping rent,</p> + + <p>There will always be lots 'anging round to <i>put + yer off the scent</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I can tell yer arf the right 'uns even ain't quite + in the know,</p> + + <p>And there's lots o' little fakes to make 'em boggle, + or go slow.</p> + + <p>Werry plorserble their statements, and they puts 'em + nice and plain,</p> + + <p>And a crockidile <i>can</i> drop 'em when 'e once + turns on the main.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All the tenants' faults; they likes it, dirt, and + scrowging, and damp walls!</p> + + <p>They <i>git used to</i> 'orrid odours! O the + Landlord's tear-drop falls.</p> + + <p>Werry often, when collecting of his rents, to see + the 'oles</p> + + <p>Where the parties as must pay 'em up <i>prefers</i> + to stick, pore souls!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No compulsion, not a mossel! Ah, my noble lords and + gents</p> + + <p>Who are up in arms for Libbaty—that is, of + paying rents—</p> + + <p>You've rum notions of Compulsion. NOCKY SPRIGGINS + sez, sez 'e,</p> + + <p>While you've got a chice of starving, or the workus, + ain't ye <i>free</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Free? O vus, we're free all round like; there ain't + ne'er a bloomin' slave,</p> + + <p>White or black, but wot is free enough—to pop + into 'is grave;</p> + + <p>Though if they ketch yer trying even <i>that</i> + game, and yer <i>fail</i>,</p> + + <p>Yer next skool for teaching freedom ain't the + workus, but the jail!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Andcuffs ain't the sole "Compulsion," nor yet laws + ain't, nor yet whips;</p> + + <p>There is sech things as 'unger, and yer starving + kids' white lips,</p> + + <p>And bizness ties, a hempty purse, bad 'ealth, and + ne'er a crust;</p> + + <p>Swells may swear these ain't Compulsion, but + <i>we</i> know as they means <i>must</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! wot precious rum things <i>words</i> is, 'ow + they seems to fog the wise!</p> + + <p>If they'd only come and look at <i>things</i>, that + is with their hown heyes,</p> + + <p>And not filantropic barnacles <i>or</i> goldian + giglamps—lor!</p> + + <p>Wot a lob of grabs and gushers might shut up their + blessed jor!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The nobs who're down on workmen, 'cos on + "knobsticks" <i>they</i> will frown,</p> + + <p>Has a 'arty love for Libbaty—when keepin' + wages down.</p> + + <p>Contrack's a sacred 'oly thing, freedom carnt 'ave + <i>that</i> broke,</p> + + <p>But Free Contrack wot's <i>forced</i> on + yer—wy, o'course, that sounds a joke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If they knowed us and our sort, gents, they would + know Free Contrack's fudge,</p> + + <p>When one side ain't got a copper, 'as been six weeks + on the trudge,</p> + + <p>Or 'as built his little bizness up in one pertikler + spot,</p> + + <p>And if the rent's raised on 'im must turn hout, and + starve or rot!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Coarse words, my lords and ladies! Well, yer may as + well be dumb,</p> + + <p>As talk pooty on the questions wot concerns hus in + the Slum.</p> + + <p>There ain't nothink pooty in 'em, and I cannot 'elp + but think</p> + + <p>Some of our friends 'as spiled our case by piling on + the pink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Foxes 'ave 'oles, the Book sez; well, no doubt they + feels content,</p> + + <p>For they finds, or makes, their 'ouses, and don't + 'ave to pay no rent;</p> + + <p>But <i>our</i> 'oles—well, someone builds 'em + for us, such, in course is kind,</p> + + <p>But it ain't a bad investment, as them Landlords + seems to find.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Marquiges and Mother Church pick lots of little + plums,</p> + + <p>And the wust on 'em don't seem to be their proputty + in slums.</p> + + <p>Oh, I'd like to take a Bishop on the trot around our + court,</p> + + <p>And then arsk 'ow the Church spends the coin + collected from our sort.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wot's the use of pictering 'errors? Let 'im put 'is + 'oly nose</p> + + <p>To the pain of close hinspection; lot his venerable + toes</p> + + <p>Pick a pathway through our gutter, let his gaiters + climb our stairs;</p> + + <p>And when 'e kneels that evening, I should like to + 'ear 'is prayers!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm afraid that in Rats' Rents he mightn't find a + place to kneel</p> + + <p>Without soiling of his small clothes. Yus, to live + in dirt, I feel</p> + + <p>Is a 'orrid degradation; but one thing I'd like to + know,</p> + + <p>Is it wus than living <i>on</i> it? Let 'im answer; + it's his go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"All a blowing" ain't much paternised, not down our + Court, it ain't.</p> + + <p>Wich we aren't as sweet as iersons, not yet as fresh + as paint!</p> + + <p>For yer don't get spicy breezes in a den all dirt + and dusk,</p> + + <p>From a 'apenny bunch o' wallflower, or a penny + plarnt o' musk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wot do <i>you</i> think? Bless yer 'earts, gents, I + wos down some months ago</p> + + <p>With a bout o' the rheumatics, and 'ad got so + precious low</p> + + <p>I wos sent by some good ladies, wot acrost me + chanced to come—</p> + + <p>Bless their kindness!—to a 'evvin called a + Convalescent 'Ome.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Phew! Wen I come back to Rats' Rents, 'ow I sickened + of its smells,</p> + + <p>Arter all them trees and 'ayfields, and them + laylocks and blue-bells,</p> + + <p>And sometimes I think—pertikler when I'm + nabbed by them old pains—</p> + + <p>Wot a proper world it might be if it weren't for + dirt and drains.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who's to blame for Dirt? Yer washups, praps it ain't + for me to say,</p> + + <p>But—I don't think there'd be much of it if + 'twasn't made to <i>pay</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Who</i> does it pay? The Renters or the Rented? + I've no doubt</p> + + <p>When you spot <i>who</i> cops the + Slum-swag—wy, yer won't be so fur out!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p><i>Landlordism</i>, by HENRY LAZARUS.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>WRIGHT AND WRONG.</h3> + + <p>"We are getting on by leaps and bounds," remarked Mr. WILDEY + WEIGHT, during a recent case. Whereat there was "laughter." But + Mr. HORACE BROWNE, for Plaintiff, "objected to remarks of this + kind." Then Mr. Justice COLLINS begged Mr. W. WRIGHT "not to + make such picturesque interjections." Later on, Mr. HORACE + BROWNE said to a Witness (whose name, "BURBAGE," ought to have + elicited from Judge or Counsel some apposite Shakspearian + allusion—but it didn't), "Then you had him on toast." + This also was received with "laughter." But Mr. WILDEY WRIGHT + did not object to this. No! he let it pass without + interruption, implying by his eloquent silence that such a + remark was neither a "picturesque interjection," nor + sufficiently humorous for him to take objection to it. The + other day, in a County Court, a Barrister refused to go on with + a case until the Judge had done smiling! But—"This is + another story."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Good Grace-ious!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Two out of three, my GRACE! That sounds a + drubber.</p> + + <p>No chance for England now to "win the rubber."</p> + + <p>We deemed you romping in, that second Cable;</p> + + <p>But your team didn't. Fact is, 'twasn't ABEL</p> + + <p>(Though ABEL in himself was quite a team).</p> + + <p>Well, well, your SHEFFIELD blades met quite the + cream</p> + + <p>Of Cornstalk Cricketers. Cheer up, cut in!</p> + + <p>And when March comes, make that Third Match a + Win!</p> + + <p>We're sure that while you hold the Captain's + place,</p> + + <p>Your men will win or lose with a good GRACE!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTED TITLE FOR AN ACCOUNT OF A GORGEOUS BALLET OF UGLY + GIRLS.—The Story of the Glittering Plain.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" + id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/86.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/86.png" + alt="'STRAY SHEEP.'" /></a> + + <h3>"STRAY SHEEP."</h3>(<i>As illustrated by Mr. + Chamberlain in his Speech in the House on Thursday, + February 11.</i>) + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"THOSE SHEEP WHO NEVER HEARD THEIR SHEPHERD'S + VOICE;</p> + + <p>WHO DID NOT KNOW, YET WOULD NOT LEARN THEIR + WAY;</p> + + <p>WHO STRAYED THEMSELVES, YET GRIEVED THAT I + SHOULD STRAY."</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" + id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/87.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/87.png" + alt="PERFECTLY PLAIN." /></a> + + <h3>PERFECTLY PLAIN.</h3> + + <p><i>Young Wife.</i> "OH, I'M SO HAPPY! HOW IS IT YOU'VE + NEVER MARRIED, MISS PRYMME?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Prymme.</i> "MY DEAR, I NEVER HAVE + ACCEPTED—AND NEVER WOULD ACCEPT—ANY OFFER OF + MARRIAGE!"</p>[<i>And then her Questioner began softly + playing the old Air, "Nobody axed you."</i>] + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE TWO SHEPHERDS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. JOHN MORLEY was, on Feb. 6, at Newcastle-on-Tyne, + initiated a Hon. Member of the Loyal Order of Ancient + Shepherds, and afterwards, in a speech in the People's + Palace, sharply criticised Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's plan for Old + Age Pensions, expressing his preference for "more modest + operations" in the direction of relaxing and enlarging the + provisions of the Poor Law.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + <i>To the Tune of Burns's "The Twa Herds</i>." + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O, all ye poor and aged flocks,</p> + + <p>Dealt with in fashion orthodox</p> + + <p>By Bumble bodies hard as rocks,</p> + + <p class="i10">And stern as tykes;</p> + + <p>And treated like mere waifs and crooks,</p> + + <p class="i10">Or herded Smikes!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Two brother Shepherds, as men thought,</p> + + <p>Have somehow fallen out and fought,</p> + + <p>Though each your welfare swore he sought;</p> + + <p class="i10">Flock-herding elves,</p> + + <p>What can this bickering have brought</p> + + <p class="i10">Between themselves?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O, earnest JOHN and jocund JOE,</p> + + <p>How could two Shepherds shindy so.</p> + + <p>Old Light and New Light, <i>con.</i> and + <i>pro</i>?</p> + + <p class="i10">Now dash my buttons!</p> + + <p>A squabbling pastor is a foe</p> + + <p class="i10">To all poor muttons.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Sirs, whoe'er would have expected</p> + + <p>That crook and pipe you'd have neglected,</p> + + <p>By foolish love of fight infected</p> + + <p class="i10">Concerning food?</p> + + <p>As though the sheep would have rejected</p> + + <p class="i10">Aught that is good!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What herd like JOSEPH could prevail?</p> + + <p>His voice was heard o'er hill and dale;</p> + + <p>He knew each sheep from head to tail</p> + + <p class="i10">In vale or height,</p> + + <p>And told whether 'twas sick or hale</p> + + <p class="i10">At the first sight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But JOE had a new-fangled plan</p> + + <p>For feeding ancient sheep. The man</p> + + <p>Posed as a true Arcadian,</p> + + <p class="i10">With a great gift</p> + + <p>For zeal humanitarian,</p> + + <p class="i10">Combined with thrift.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But JOHN replied, "Pooh-pooh! Your scheme</p> + + <p>Is but an optimistic dream,</p> + + <p>Whose 'shadowy incentives' seem</p> + + <p class="i10">The merest spooks.</p> + + <p>Better the ancient plans, I deem,</p> + + <p class="i10">Food, folds, and crooks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You do not grapple with the case</p> + + <p>Of poorest sheep, a numerous race.</p> + + <p>As to the black ones, with what face</p> + + <p class="i10">Claim care for such?</p> + + <p>'Tis hungry old sheep of good race</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>My</i> feelings touch.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Your scheme will cost no end—and fail.</p> + + <p>No sheep who ever twitched a tail</p> + + <p>So foolish is—I would not rail!—</p> + + <p class="i10">As <i>such</i> a 'herd.'</p> + + <p>I'd 'modest operations' hail,</p> + + <p class="i10">But yours?—absurd!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Better reform, relax, extend</p> + + <p>The old provisions. I commend</p> + + <p>Plenty of food, and care no end,</p> + + <p class="i10">For all poor sheep;</p> + + <p>But flocks would not <i>get</i> poor, my friend,</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Had they good keep!</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fancy how JOE would cock a nose</p> + + <p>At "Cockney JOHN," as certain foes</p> + + <p>Called JOSEPH's rival. Words like those</p> + + <p class="i10">Part Shepherd swains.</p> + + <p>Sad when crook-wielders meet as foes</p> + + <p class="i10">On pastoral plains!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such two! O, do I live to see</p> + + <p>Such famous pastors disagree,</p> + + <p>Calling each other—woe is me!—</p> + + <p class="i10">Bad names by turns?</p> + + <p>Shall we not say in diction free</p> + + <p class="i10">With BOBBIE BURNS?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"O! a' ye flocks, owre a' the hills</p> + + <p>By mosses, meadows, moors and fells.</p> + + <p>Come join your counsels and your skills</p> + + <p class="i10">To cowe the lairds.</p> + + <p>And get the brutes the power themsels</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>To choose their herds!</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"And a Good Judge, too!"</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is a good Justice named GRANTHAM,</p> + + <p>Who tells lawyers truths that should haunt 'em.</p> + + <p class="i4">There are seeds of reform</p> + + <p class="i4">In his speech, wise as warm,</p> + + <p>And long may he flourish—to plant 'em!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>STRANGE BUT TRUE.—When does a Husband find his Wife + out? When he finds her at home and she doesn't expect him.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" + id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XXVI.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>On the Lagoons</i>. CULCHARD <i>and</i> + PODBURY's <i>gondola is nearing Venice. The apricot-tinted + diaper on the façade of the Ducal Palace is already + distinguishable, and behind its battlements the pearl-grey + summits of the domes of St. Mark's shimmer in the warm + air</i>. CULCHARD <i>and</i> PODBURY <i>have hardly + exchanged a sentence as yet. The former has just left off + lugubriously whistling as much as he can remember of "Che + faro," the latter is still humming "The Dead March in + Saul," although in a livelier manner than at first.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Well, my dear PODBURY, + our—er—expedition has turned out rather + disastrously!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>suspending the Dead March, chokily</i>). + Not much mistake about <i>that</i>—but there, it's no + good talking about it. Jolly that brown and yellow sail looks + on the fruit-barge there. See?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/88.png" + alt="'Reads with a gradually lengthening countenance.'" /> + </a>"Reads with a gradually lengthening countenance." + </div> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>sardonically</i>). Isn't it a little late + in the day to be cultivating an eye for colour? I was about to + say that those two girls have treated us infamously. I say + deliberately, my dear PODBURY, <i>infamously</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Now drop it, CULCHARD, do you hear? I won't + hear a word against either of them. It serves us jolly well + right for not knowing our own minds better—though I no + more dreamed that old BOB would—Oh, hang it, I can't talk + about it yet!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> That's childishness, my dear fellow; you + <i>ought</i> to talk about it—it will do you good. And + really, I'm not at all sure, after all, that we have not both + of us had a fortunate escape. One is very apt + to—er—overrate the fascinations of persons one + meets abroad. Now, neither of those two was + <i>quite</i>—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>desperately</i>). Take care! I swear I'll + pitch you out of this gondola, unless you stop that jabber!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with wounded dignity</i>). I am willing to + make great allowances for your state of mind, PODBURY, but such + an expression as—as <i>jabber</i>, applied to + my—er—well-meant attempts at consolation, and just + as I was about to propose an arrangement—really, it's + <i>too</i> much! The moment we reach the hotel, I will relieve + you from any further infliction from (<i>bitterly</i>) what you + are pleased to call my "jabber!"</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>sulkily</i>). Very well—'m sure + <i>I</i> don't care! (<i>To himself.</i>) Even old CULCHARD + won't have anything to do with me now! I must have + <i>somebody</i> to talk to—or I shall go off my head! + (<i>Aloud</i>). I say, old <i>chap</i>! (<i>No answer</i>.) + Look here—it's bad enough as it is without <i>our</i> + having a row! Never mind anything I said.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I <i>do</i> mind—I <i>must</i>. I am not + accustomed to hear myself called a—a <i>jabberer</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I <i>didn't</i> call you a jabberer—I + only said you <i>talked</i> jabber. I—I hardly know what + I <i>do</i> say, when I'm like this. And I'm deuced sorry I + spoke—there!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>relaxing</i>). Well, do you withdraw + jabber?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Certainly, old chap. I <i>like</i> you to talk, + only not—not against Her, you know! What were you going + to propose?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Well, my idea was this. My leave is + practically unlimited—at least, without vanity, I think I + may say that my Chief sufficiently appreciates my services not + to make a fuss about a few extra days. So I thought I'd just + run down to Florence and Naples, and perhaps catch a P. & + O. at Brindisi. I suppose <i>you're</i> not tied to time in any + way?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>dolefully</i>). Free as a bird! If the + Governor had wanted me back in the City, he'd have let me know + it. Well?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Well, if you like to come with me, I—I + shall be very pleased to have your company.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>considering</i>). I don't care if I + do—it may cheer me up a bit. Florence, eh?—and + Naples? I shouldn't mind a look at Florence. Or Rome. How about + Rome, now?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Was I wise to expose + myself to this sort of thing <i>again</i>? I'm almost sorry + I— (<i>Aloud.</i>) My dear fellow, if we are to travel + together in any sort of comfort, you must leave all details to + <i>me</i>. And there's one thing I <i>do</i> insist on. In + future we must keep to our original resolution—not to be + drawn into any chance acquaintanceship. I don't want to + reproach you, but if, when we were first at Brussels, you had + not allowed yourself to get so intimate with the TROTTERS, all + this would never—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>exasperated</i>). There you go again! I + can't stand being jawed at, CULCHARD, and I won't!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I am no more conscious of "jawing" than + "jabbering," and if <i>that</i> is how I am to be spoken + to—!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I know. Look here, it's no use. You must go to + Florence by yourself. I simply don't feel up to it, and that's + the truth. I shall just potter about here, till—till + <i>they</i> go.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> As you choose. I gave you the + opportunity—out of kindness. If you prefer to make + yourself ridiculous by hanging about here, it's no concern of + mine. I daresay I shall enjoy Florence at least as well by + myself.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He sulks until they arrive at the Hotel Dandolo, + where they are received on the steps by the Porter.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Porter</i>. Goot afternoon, Schendlemen. You have a + bleasant dimes at Torcello, yes? Ach! you haf gif your + gondoliers vifdeen franc? Zey schvindle you, oal ze gondoliers + alvays schvindles eferypody, yes! Zere is som ledders for you. + I vetch zem. [<i>He bustles away.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mr. Bellerby</i> (<i>suddenly emerging from a recess in + the entrance, as he recognises CULCHARD</i>). Why bless me, + there's a face I know! Met at Lugano, didn't we? To be + sure—very pleasant chat we had too! So you're at Venice, + eh? I know every stone of it by heart, as I needn't say. The + first time I was ever at Venice—</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>taking a bulky envelope from the + Porter</i>). Just so—how are you? Er—will you + excuse me?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He opens the envelope and finds a blue + official-looking enclosure, which he reads with a gradually + lengthening countenance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>as</i> CULCHARD <i>thrusts the letter + angrily into his pocket</i>). You're new to Venice, I think? + Well, just let me give you a word of advice. Now you <i>are</i> + here—you make them give you some tunny. Insist on it, + Sir. Why, when I was here first—</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). I know. I mean, you told + me that before. And I <i>have</i> tasted tunny.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Ha! well, what did you think of it? + <i>Delicious</i>, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>forgetting all his manners</i>). Beastly, + Sir, <i>beastly! [Leaves the scandalised</i> Mr. B. + <i>abruptly, and rushes off to get a telegram form at the + bureau.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mr. Crawley Strutt</i> (<i>pouncing on</i> PODBURY <i>in + the hall, as he finishes the perusal of his letter</i>). Excuse + me—but surely I have the honour of addressing Lord GEORGE + GUMBLETON? You may perhaps just recollect, my Lord—?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>blankly</i>). Think you've made a mistake, + really.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> Is it possible! I have come across so many + people while I've been away that—but surely we have met + <i>somewhere</i>? Why, of course, Sir JOHN JUBBER! you must + pardon me, SIR JOHN—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>recognizing him</i>). My name's + PODBURY—plain PODBURY, but you're quite right. You + <i>have</i> met me—and you've met my bootmaker too. "Lord + UPPERSOLE," eh? That's where the mistake came in!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> (<i>with hauteur</i>). I think not, Sir; I + have no recollection of the circumstance. I see now your face + is quite unfamiliar to me.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He moves away</i>; PODBURY <i>gets a telegram form + and sits down at a table in the hall opposite</i> + CULCHARD.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>reading over his telegram</i>). "Yours + just received. Am returning immediately."</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>do., do.</i>). "Letter to hand. No end + sorry. Start at once." (<i>Seeing</i> CULCHARD.) Wiring to + Florence for room, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Er—no. The fact is, I've just heard from + my Chief—a—a most intemperate communication, + insisting on my instant return to my duties! I shall have to + humour him, I suppose, and leave at once.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> So shall I. No end of a shirty letter from the + Governor. Wants to know how much longer I expect him to be tied + to the office. Old humbug, when he only turns up twice a week + for a couple of hours!</p> + + <p><i>The Porter</i>. Peg your bardons, Schendlemen, but if you + haf qvide done vid ze schtamps on your ledders, I gollect + bostage schtamps, yes.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>irritably flinging him the envelope</i>). + Oh, confound it all. take them. <i>I</i> don't want them! + (<i>He looks at his letter once more.</i>) I say, PODBURY, + it—it's worse than I thought. This thing's a week old! + Must have been lying in my rooms all this time—or else in + that infernal Italian + post!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page89" + id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Whew, old chap! I say, I wouldn't be <i>you</i> + for something! Won't you catch it when you <i>do</i> turn up? + But look here—as things are, we may as well travel + <i>home</i> together, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with a flicker of resentment</i>). In + spite of my tendency to "jaw" and "jabber"?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, never mind all that now. We're companions + in misfortune, you know, and we'd better stick together, and + keep each other's spirits up. After all, you're in a much worse + hat than <i>I</i> am!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If <i>that's</i> the way you propose to keep + my spirits up!—But let us keep together, by all means, if + you wish it, and just go and find out when the next train + starts, will you? (<i>To himself, as</i> PODBURY + <i>departs.</i>) I must put up with him a little longer, I + suppose. Ah me! <i>How</i> differently I should be feeling now, + if HYPATIA had only been true to herself. But that's all over, + and I daresay it's better so ... I daresay!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He strolls into the hotel-garden, and begins to read + his Chief's missive once more, in the hope of deciphering + some faint encouragement between the lines.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + FINIS. + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>A TENNYSONIAN FRAGMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/89-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/89-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So in the village inn the Poet dwelt.</p> + + <p>His honey-dew was gone; only the pouch,</p> + + <p>His cousin's work, her empty labour, left.</p> + + <p>But still he sniffed it, still a fragrance clung</p> + + <p>And lingered all about the broidered flowers.</p> + + <p>Then came his landlord, saying in broad Scotch,</p> + + <p>"Smoke plug, mon," whom he looked at doubtfully.</p> + + <p>Then came the grocer, saying, "Hae some twist</p> + + <p>At tippence," whom he answered with a qualm.</p> + + <p>But when they left him to himself again,</p> + + <p>Twist, like a fiend's breath from a distant room</p> + + <p>Diffusing through the passage, crept; the smell</p> + + <p>Deepening had power upon him, and he mixt</p> + + <p>His fancies with the billow-lifted bay</p> + + <p>Of Biscay, and the rollings of a ship.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And on that night he made a little song,</p> + + <p>And called his song "<i>The Song of Twist and + Plug</i>,"</p> + + <p>And sang it: scarcely could he make or sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Rank is black plug, though smoked in wind and + rain;</p> + + <p>And rank is twist, which gives no end of pain;</p> + + <p>I know not which is ranker, no, not I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Plug, art thou rank? Then milder twist must be;</p> + + <p>Plug, thou art milder; rank is twist to me.</p> + + <p>O Twist, if plug be milder, let me buy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Rank twist, that seems to make me fade away,</p> + + <p>Rank plug, that navvies smoke in loveless clay,</p> + + <p>I know not which is ranker, no, not I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I fain would purchase flake, if that could be;</p> + + <p>I needs must purchase plug, ah woe is me!</p> + + <p>Plug and a cutty, a cutty, let me buy."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>COMPLICATED CASE.—The other day, an Italian + Organ-grinder was arrested for having shot one GIUSEPPE PIA. + "He admitted the charge" (we quote the <i>Globe</i>), "but said + the gun went off accidentally." When a Gentleman "admits the + charge" (though indeed it was the other one who did + <i>that</i>), how the gun went off seems to be a matter of + secondary importance.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE NAME AND THE THING.—A vote of thanks to Sir + CHARLES RUSSELL, after his address to the Liberal and Radical + Association, was earned by a Wapping Majority.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A LATTERDAY VALENTINE.</h2> + + <h3>(LEAP YEAR: NEW STYLE.)</h3> + + <h4>(<i>From Miss Anastasia Jay, New York, to Thomas, Earl of + Dunbrowne, London.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/89-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/89-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Valentines plebeian</p> + + <p class="i2">Cannot fix an Earl—</p> + + <p>I'm as you may see, an</p> + + <p class="i2">Ardent Yankee girl.</p> + + <p>Nothing "soft" you'll find here,</p> + + <p class="i2">No old-fashioned lay;</p> + + <p>Say then, you'll be mine, dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">In the modern way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>You</i> (we haven't met as</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet I must record)</p> + + <p>Figure in <i>Debrett</i> as</p> + + <p class="i2">Out-and-out a Lord:</p> + + <p>Ancestors, a thousand,</p> + + <p class="i2">Dignities, a score—</p> + + <p>Hear my bashful vows, and</p> + + <p class="i2">Think this matter o'er.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I don't in for Pa go;</p> + + <p class="i2">Pa despised New York;</p> + + <p>Porpa in Chicago</p> + + <p class="i2">Cultivated pork:</p> + + <p>Ma was born a Gerald;</p> + + <p class="i2">Birth was Morma's pride—</p> + + <p>As the <i>New York Herald</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Mentioned when she died.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, my pile's a million,</p> + + <p class="i2">That's a fact, you bet:</p> + + <p>I'm in our cotillon</p> + + <p class="i2">Quite the Broadway Pet:</p> + + <p>I can sing like PATTI;</p> + + <p class="i2">And to win I went</p> + + <p>For the Cincinnati</p> + + <p class="i2">Tennis Tournament.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've a lovely right hand;</p> + + <p class="i2">For my face I've sat</p> + + <p>By electric light—and</p> + + <p class="i2">Elegant at that!</p> + + <p>I enclose the photo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just for you to see,</p> + + <p>But deny <i>in toto</i></p> + + <p class="i2">That it flatters me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>You</i>, I've read, are rather</p> + + <p class="i2">"Up the Spout" for cash,</p> + + <p>Owing to your father</p> + + <p class="i2">Having been so splash:</p> + + <p><i>I</i> from debt could free you,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in Politics</p> + + <p>Calculate to see you</p> + + <p class="i2">Bagging all the tricks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Any Earl who marries</p> + + <p class="i2">ANASTASIA JAY</p> + + <p>Will (except in Paris)</p> + + <p class="i2">Get his little way,</p> + + <p>Fear no interference;</p> + + <p class="i2">Relatives remain,—</p> + + <p>But their disappearance</p> + + <p class="i2">Beats me to explain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>THOMAS, I adore thee!—</p> + + <p class="i2">"THOMAS" <i>is</i> thy name,</p> + + <p>Isn't it?—the more the</p> + + <p class="i2">Scandal and the shame!</p> + + <p>All I ask you, TOM, is</p> + + <p class="i2">Just one loving line,</p> + + <p>One type-written promise</p> + + <p class="i2">Publishing you mine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Matrimony's heart is</p> + + <p class="i2">Houselike, "half-detached,"</p> + + <p>Seldom save at parties</p> + + <p class="i2">Or in papers matched—</p> + + <p>Answer "Yes," or break'll</p> + + <p class="i2">This poor heart of mine.</p> + + <p>Be my <i>Fin-de-Siècle</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Be my Valentine!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUERY BY A DEPRESSED CONVALESCENT.—"This Influenza is + nothing new, nor is the Microbe. Wasn't MICROBIUS an ancient + classic writer? Didn't he treat this subject historically? + There's evidently some confusion of ideas somewhere. As + <i>Hamlet</i> says:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">'O, cursed spite</p> + + <p>That ever I was born to set it right.'</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But I beg pardon, that 'set it right' shows that + <i>Hamlet</i> was a Surgeon, not a Physician. Excuse me. 'To + bed! To bed!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SAD THOUGHT IN MY OWN LIBRARY.—I am a stranger among + books. Resting on their shelves, they all turn their backs on + me. <i>En revanche</i>, if I find among them a new one, a + perfect stranger to me, I cut him.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" + id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/90.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/90.png" + alt="TRUE HOSPITALITY." /></a> + + <h3>TRUE HOSPITALITY.</h3> + + <p>(<i>Sir Bonamy Croesus gives seven Dinner Parties a + week, and expects his Friends to come and choose their own + day, and inscribe their Names and the Date on the + Dinner-Book in the Hall</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>Fair Visitor</i>. "Look, George! Wednesday, the 17th, + the Fetterbys are coming. That'll do capitally!" (<i>Writes + down "Mr. and Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Feb. 17th."</i>) "And + There's room for one more. Let's drive round to Emily's, + and get her to come and put her Name down for the same + Day!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 8</i>.—The + coming of Prince ARTHUR anxiously looked for as Members + gathered for last Session of a memorable Parliament. When, in + August last, he, with the rest of us, went away, OLD MORALITY + still sat in Leader's place. He was, truly, just then absent in + the flesh, already wasting with the dire disease that carried + him off. It was JOKIM who occupied the place of Leader; Prince + ARTHUR, content to sit lower down. It seemed to some that when + vacancy occurred JOKIM, that veteran Child of Promise, would + step in, and younger men wait their turn. But youth of certain + quality must come to the front, as BONAPARTE testified even + before he went to Italy, and as PITT showed when the Rockingham + Administration went to pieces.</p> + + <p>Prince ARTHUR came in shortly after four o'clock. House + full, especially on Opposition Benches; faint blush suffused + ingenuous cheek as welcoming cheer arose. Seemed to know his + way to Leader's place, and took it naturally. Pretty to see + JOKIM drop in on one side of him with MATTHEWS on the other, + buttressing him about with financial reputation and legal + erudition. <i>Tableau</i> quite undesigned, but none the less + effective. Prince ARTHUR, young, hot-tempered and, though not + without parts, prone to commit errors of judgment. But with + JOKIM at his left shoulder, and HENRY MATTHEWS at his right, + humble citizens looking on from opposite Benches, felt a sweet + content. On such a basis, the Constitution might stand any + blast.</p> + + <p>In absence of Mr. G., who still dallies with the sunshine of + Riviera, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, fresh from hunting in the New + Forest, more than fills the place of Leader of Opposition. A + favourable opportunity for distinguishing himself marred by + accidental prevalence of funereal associations.</p> + + <p>"The Squire," said PLUNKET—watching him as, with legs + reverently crossed, and elbow sympathisingly resting on box, + carefully suggestive of life-sized figure of tombstone-mourner, + he intoned his lamentation—"is not fitted for the part, + and consequently overdoes it. <i>L'Allegro</i> is his line. + <i>Il Penseroso</i> does not suit him."</p> + + <p>Everyone glad when, sermon over, and the black-edged folios + put aside, the Squire began business. Happy enough in his + attack on JOKIM, always a telling subject in present House of + Commons.</p> + + <p>"He is," says SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, drawing upon his + theatrical experiences, "like the Policeman in the Pantomime; + always safe for a roar of laughter if you bonnet him or trip + him up over the doorstep."</p> + + <p>For the rest, as Prince ARTHUR pointed out when he came to + reply, Squire's speech had very little to do with the Address, + on which it was ostensibly based. Couldn't resist temptation of + enlarging on financial science for the edification of the + unhappy JOKIM.</p> + + <p>"Finance," observed DICKY TEMPLE, "is HARCOURT's + foible."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said JENNINGS, whom everyone is glad to see back in + better health, "and funeral sermons are his forte."</p> + + <p>Through nearly hour and half the Squire mourned and jibed, + Prince ARTHUR listening attentively, all unconscious of the + Shades hovering about the historic seat in which he lounged, as + nearly as possible, at full length—OLD MORALITY, kindly + generous, pleased in another's prosperity; STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, + marvelling at the madness of a world he has not been loth to + quit; DIZZY tickled with the whole situation, though perhaps a + little shocked to see a Leader of the House resting apparently + on his shoulder-blades in the seat where from 1874 to 1876 + there posed an upright statuesque figure with folded arms and + mask-like face, lit up now and then by the gleam of eyes that + saw everything whilst they seemed to be looking no whither. PAM + was there, too, with slightly raised eyebrows as they fell on + the youthful form already installed in a place he had not + reached till he was almost twice the age of the newcomer. + JOHNNY RUSSELL, scowled at the intruder under a hat + a-size-and-half too big for his legs. CANNING looked on, and + thought of his brief tenure of the same place whilst the + century was young. Still further in the shade PITT joined the + group. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" + id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span></p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/91.png" + alt="'THE COMING OF ARTHUR.'" /></a> + + <h3>"THE COMING OF ARTHUR."</h3> + + <p>Shade of Pam. "H'M! A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THE + PART,—DON'T YOU THINK?"</p> + + <p>Shade of Dizzy. "WELL, YES! <i>WE</i> HAD TO WAIT FOR IT + A GOOD MANY YEARS!—BUT I THINK HE'LL DO!!"</p> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" + id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span> + + <p>"Well at least <i>he</i> was even younger when he came to + our place," PAM whispered in DIZZY's ear, startling him as he + inadvertently touched his cheek with the straw he still seems + to hold in his teeth, as he did when JOHN LEECH was alive.</p> + + <p>Prince ARTHUR, facing the crowded Opposition Benches, of + course saw nothing of this; lounged and listened smilingly as + the Squire, having shaken up JOKIM and his one-pound notes, + went oft to Exeter to pummel the MARKISS.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Address moved.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Evidently going to be an + Agricultural Labourer's Session. Small Holdings Bill put in + forefront of Programme. District Councils hinted at. In this + situation it was stroke of genius, due I believe to the + MARKISS, that such happy selection was made of Mover of + Address.</p> + + <p>"It's trifles that make up the mass, my dear nephew," the + MARKISS said, when this matter was being discussed in the + Recess. "No detail is so small that we can afford to omit it. + It was a happy thought of yours, perhaps a little too subtle + for some intellects, to associate CHAPLIN with Small Holdings. + In this other matter, let me have my way. Put up HODGE to move + the Address. It will be worth 10,000 votes in the agricultural + districts. I suppose he wouldn't like to come down in a smock + frock with a whip in his hand? Don't know why he shouldn't; + quite as reasonable as a civilian getting himself up as a + Colonel or an Admiral. With HODGE in a smock frock moving the + Address we'd sweep the country. But that I must leave to you; + only let us have HODGE."</p> + + <p>So it was arranged. But Member for Accrington wouldn't stand + the smock-frock. Insisted upon coming out in war-like uniform. + Trousers a little tight about the knees, and jacket perhaps a + trifle too tasselly. But made very good speech in the + circumstances.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/93-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/93-1.png" + alt="Orator Hodge (in mufti)." /></a>Orator Hodge (in + mufti). + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Bills brought in by the half + hundred.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday Night.</i>—Things been rather dull + hitherto. House as it were lying under a pall, "Every man," as + O'HANLON says, "not knowing what moment may be his next." Still + on Debate on Address. When resumed to-night, CHAMBERLAIN + stepped into ring and took off his coat. When Members saw the + faithful JESSE bring in sponge and vinegar-bottle, knew there + would be some sport. Anticipation not disappointed. JOE in fine + fighting form. Went for the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD round after + round; occasionally turned to aim a "wonner" at his "Right Hon. + Friend" JOHN MORELY. Conservatives delighted; had always + thought just what JOE was saying, but hadn't managed to put + their ideas into such easily fleeting, barbed sentences. Only + once was there any shade on the faces of the country gentlemen + opposite. That spread when JOE proposed to quote the "lines of + CHURCHILL."</p> + + <p>"No, no," said Lord HENRY BRUCE in audible whisper, "he'd + better leave GRANDOLPH alone. Never knew he wrote poetry. If he + did, there's lots of others. Why, when we're going on so + nicely, why drag in CHURCHILL?"</p> + + <p>Depression only momentary. Conservative cheers rose again + and again as JOE, turning a mocking face, and shaking a + minatory forefinger at the passive monumental figure of the + guileless SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, did, as JOHN MORLEY, with rare + outburst of anger, presently said, from his place in the centre + of the Liberal Camp, "denounce and assail Liberal principles, + Liberal measures, and his old Liberal colleagues."</p> + + <p>After this it was nothing that, some hours later, O'HANLON, + rising from a Back Bench, and speaking on another turn of the + Debate, should observe, in loud voice, with eye fixed in fine + frenzy on the nape of the Squire's neck, as he sat on the Front + Bench with folded arms, "I do not believe in the Opposition + Leaders, who have split up my Party, and are now living on its + blood."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—JOSEPH turns and rends his + Brethren.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night.</i>—In Commons night wasted by + re-delivery of speeches made last year by Irish Members + pleading for amnesty for Dynamitards. JOHN REDMOND began it. No + Irish Member could afford to be off on this scene, so one after + another they trotted out their speeches of yester-year.</p> + + <p>Lords much more usefully occupied in discussing London Fog. + MIDDLETON moved for Royal Commission. MARKISS drew fine + distinction. "What you really want to remedy," he said, "is not + the fog itself, but its colour." Rather seemed to like the fog, + <i>per se</i>, if only his particular fancy in matter of colour + gratified. Didn't mention what colour he preferred; but fresh + difficulty looming out of the fog evident. Tastes differ. If + every man is to have his own particular coloured fog, our last + state will be worse than the first.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—None.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN INFLUENZA SONG.</h2> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Oh, we're all noddin'.</i>"</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Oh, we've none coddlin',</p> + + <p class="i6">Cod, cod, coddlin';</p> + + <p class="i4">Oh, we've none coddlin'.</p> + + <p class="i6">At our house at home!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ha!—my Father has a cough—</p> + + <p class="i2">Now—my Mother has a wheeze;</p> + + <p>What!! my Brother has a pain</p> + + <p class="i2">In forehead, arms, chest, back and + knees.</p> + + <p class="i6">So—we've three coddlin', + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How my eldest Sister aches</p> + + <p class="i2">From her forehead to her toes!</p> + + <p>And my second Brother's eyes</p> + + <p class="i2">Are weeping either side his nose.</p> + + <p class="i6">So—we've five coddlin', &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's my eldest Brother down</p> + + <p class="i2">With a pain all round his head,</p> + + <p>Ah! I'm the only one who's up—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh!... Oh!... I'll go to bed!</p> + + <p class="i6">So—we're all coddlin', &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As the Doctor orders Port,</p> + + <p class="i2">Orders Burgundy, Champagne,</p> + + <p>Good living and good drinking,</p> + + <p class="i2">Why we none of us complain,</p> + + <p class="i6">While we're—all coddlin',</p> + + <p class="i8">Cod, cod, coddlin',</p> + + <p class="i6">While we're all coddlin'</p> + + <p class="i8">At our house at home!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BY A SMALL WESTERN.—Orientals take off their shoes on + entering a Mosque. We remove our hats on entering a Church. + Both symbolical; one leaves his understanding outside; the + other enters with a clear head.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HORACE IN LONDON.</h2> + + <h4>TO THE COUNTY COUNCIL. (<i>AD REMPUBLICAM.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/93-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/93-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>New vessel, now returning ship</p> + + <p>From this thy tried and trial trip,</p> + + <p class="i2">Refit in dock awhile: I fear</p> + + <p class="i2">Your ballast looks a trifle queer.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your rigging ("rigging" is a word</p> + + <p>By other folk than seamen heard)</p> + + <p class="i2">Has got a little loose; you need</p> + + <p class="i2">An overhaul, you do indeed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your sails (or purchases?) should stay</p> + + <p>The stress—and Press—that on them + weigh:</p> + + <p class="i2">This constant playing to the gods</p> + + <p class="i2">Will scarcely weather blustering + odds.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain to blazon "London's Heart"</p> + + <p>As figure-head, if thus you part</p> + + <p class="i2">Unseaworthy; in vain to boast</p> + + <p class="i2">Your "boom"—a cranky boom at + most.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We rate you, <i>we</i> who pay your rates:</p> + + <p>Beware the overhauling fates,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beware lest down you go at last</p> + + <p class="i2">The sport and puppet of the blast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I always voted you a bore,</p> + + <p>But never quite so much before</p> + + <p class="i2">Besought you with a frugal mind</p> + + <p class="i2">To sail not quite so near the wind.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. R. AGAIN.—To our excellent old lady, being + convalescent, her niece was reading the news. She commenced + about the County Council, the first item in the report being + headed, "An Articulated Skeleton." "Ah!" interrupted the good + lady, "murder will out! And where did they find the skeleton of + the Articulated Clerk?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" + id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/94-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/94-1.png" + alt="AN INCOMPLETE BIRTHDAY PRESENT." /></a> + + <h3>AN INCOMPLETE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.</h3> + + <p><i>Ethel</i>. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAMMA?"</p> + + <p><i>Mamma</i>. "ETHEL, THERE ARE YOUR NEW GOLF THINGS + JUST COME, THAT I ORDERED FOR YOU FROM EDINBORO, + AND—ISN'T IT PROVOKING?—THEY'VE ACTUALLY + FORGOTTEN <i>THE LINKS</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>PROFESSOR HUBERT HERKOMER has "dried his impressions," and + given them to the public in a handsome volume brought out by + MACMILLAN & CO. It is all interesting even to a + non-artistic laic, for there is much "dry point" of general + application in the Professor's lectures. Yet, amid all his + learning and his light-hearted style, there is occasionally a + strain of melancholy, as when he pictures himself to us as + "etching and scratching on a bed of burr." Painful, very; + likewise Dantesque,—infernally Dantesque. But there is + another and a more cheerful view which the Baron prefers to + take, and that is, the word-picture which the Professor gives + us of his little room in his Bavarian home, where he says, + "Under the seat by the table are my bottles"—ah! quite + Rabelaisian this!—"with the mordants, and my dishes for + the plates." Isn't this rare! "I should add, there is a stove + near the door." O Sybarite! Doesn't this suggest the notion of + a delightful little dinner <i>à deux</i>! With "the + mordants,"—which is, of course, a generic name for sauces + of varied piquancy,—and with his "dishes" artistically + prepared and set before "the plates," as in due order they + should be, he is as correct as he is original. A true <i>bon + vivant</i>. The Baron highly commends the book, which only for + the rare etchings it contains, is well worth the attention of + every amateur of Art, and that he, the Baron, may, one of these + days, dine with him, the Professor, is the sincere wish of his + truly, and everybody else's truly,</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"STUFF AND (NO) NONSENSE!"—"Begorra, 'tis an ill wind + that blows nobody any good," said The O'GORMAN DIZER, when he + heard that on account of the Influenza there was a Papal + dispensation from fasting and abstinence throughout the United + kingdom.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN THE SEAT OF WISDOM.</h2> + + <p>At a meeting of the Drury Lane Lodge of Freemasons, said the + <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, "with all due solemnity was Mr. S.B. + BANCROFT installed in the Chair of King SOLOMON." This, whether + an easy chair or not, ought to be the seat of wisdom. Poor + SOLOMON, the very much married man, was not, however, + particularly wise in his latter days, but, of course, this + chair was the one used by the Great Grand Master Mason before + it was taken from under him, and he fell so heavily, "never to + rise again." How fortunate for the Drury Lane Masons to have + obtained this chair of SOLOMON's. No doubt it was one of his + wise descendants, of whom there are not a few in the + neighbourhood of Drury Lane, who consented to part with this + treasure to the Masonic Lodgers. So here's King SOLOMON BUSY + BANCROFT's good health! "Point, left, right! One, two, three!" + (<i>They drink.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/94-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/94-2.png" + alt="LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS." /></a> + + <h3>LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.</h3>THE CHANCERY JUDGES WILL BE + EXPECTED TO TAKE THE INFANT SUITORS OUT FOR AN AIRING IN + THE PARK. N.B.—AFTER 4 P.M. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A QUERY BY "PEN."—There was a "Pickwick Exam." + invented by CALVERLEY the Inimitable. Why not a "Pendennis" or + "Vanity Fair" Exam.? <i>À propos</i>, I would just ask one + question of the Thackerayan student, and it is + this:—There was one <i>Becky</i> whom everybody knows, + but there was another BECKY as good, as kind, as sympathetic, + and as simple, as the first <i>Becky</i> was bad, cruel, + selfish, and cunning. Where is BECKY the Second to be found in + W.M. THACKERAY's Works?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HER NOTE AND QUERY.—Mrs. R. was listening to a + ghost-story. "After all," observed her nephew, "the question + is, is it true? True, or not true 'there's the rub!'" "Ah! + 'there's the rub!'" repeated our old friend, meditatively. "I + wonder if that expression is the origin of the proverb, 'Truth + is stranger than Friction?'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LOCAL COLOUR.—"I should like to give all my creditors + a dinner," quoth the jovial and hospitable OWEN ORLROUND. + "Where shall I have it?" "Well," replied his old friend JOE + KOSUS, "have it at Duns Table."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CITY MEN.—"Hope springs eternal," and the motto for a + probable Lord Mayor in the not very dim and distant future must + be "<i>Knill desperandum</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DOGS AND CATS—(CORRESPONDENCE.)—Sir,—A + recent letter to the <i>Spectator</i> mentions the case of a + man who "barked like a dog in his sleep." The writer would like + to know if anyone has ever had a similar experience. Well, Sir, + I knew a whole family of BARKERS, but I never heard them bark. + I knew three CATTS, sisters, who kept a shop, and came from + Cheshire; yet they were very serious persons, and never + grinned. Since this experience I have doubted the simile of the + Cheshire specimen of the feline race being founded on + fact.—Yours, &c.,</p> + + <p class="author">CATO.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page95" + id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/95.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/95.png" + alt="THE WESTMINSTER WAXWORK SHOW FOR THE SESSION 1892." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE WESTMINSTER WAXWORK SHOW FOR THE SESSION 1892.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" + id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/96-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-1.png" + alt="THE PLEASURES OF SHOOTING." /></a> + + <h3>THE PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.</h3>AFTER LUNCHEON THE + "BEATING" IS A LITTLE WILD. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WEATHER REFORM.</h2> + + <p>SIR,—Acquiescence in the state of the weather is no + longer <i>comme il faut</i>. Bombarding the Empyrean is as + little regarded as throwing stones at monkeys, that they may + make reprisals with cocoa-nuts; yet the success of the + rain-makers is very doubtful. Their premisses even are + disallowed by many considerable authorities. The little + experiment which I propose to submit to the meteorological + officials is founded on a fact of universal experience, and, if + successful, would be of immense utility. Every smoker must be + aware that the force of the wind varies inversely as the number + of matches. On an absolutely still day, with a heavy pall of + fog over the streets, the striking of the last match to light a + pipe is invariably accompanied by a breeze, just strong enough + to extinguish the nascent flame. Now if two or three thousand + men simultaneously struck a last match, the resulting wind + would be of very respectable strength—anemometer could + tell that.</p> + + <p>My proposal then, is this. When anticyclonic conditions next + prevail, and the great smoke-cloud incubates its cletch of + microbes, let some 5,000 men, provided at the public expense + with a pipe of tobacco and one match each, be stationed in the + City, at every corner and along the streets, like the police on + Lord Mayor's Day. At a given signal, say the firing of the + Tower guns, each man strikes his match. Judging from the + invariable result in my own case, this would be followed by + 5,000 puffs of wind of sufficient strength to extinguish the + lights, or, better still, to give the 5,000 men some thirty + seconds of intense anxiety, while the wind plays between their + fingers and over their hands and round the bowls of their + pipes. Multiplying the men by the seconds (5,000 x 30) you get + approximately the amount of the wind, in wear and tare and + tret. If this experiment were conducted on a duly extensive + scale round London; say at Brixton, Kensington, Holloway and + Stepney; there can be no doubt that a cyclone would be + established, and the fog effectually dissipated. The cost would + be slight, and the pipe of tobacco would afford a welcome treat + to many a poor fellow out of work in these hard times.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours obediently,<br /> + PETER PPIPER.</p> + + <p><i>The Cave, Æolian Road, S.W.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT'S CURE FOR THE HINFLUENZY.</h2> + + <p>I hopes as I shall not be blamed for my hordacity in writin + as I am writin, but it's reelly all the fault of my good-natred + Amerrycan frend. He says as it's my bounden dooty to do so, if + ony to prove the trooth of the old prowerb that tells us, "that + Waiters rushes in where Docters fears to tread!" He's pleased + to say as he has never bin in better helth than all larst + Jennewerry at the Grand Hotel, and that he owes it all to my + sage adwice.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/96-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Allers let Nater be your Dick Tater!" In depressin times + like these here, keep the pot a bilin' so to speak; and stand + firm to the three hesses, Soup, Shampane, and Sunlight.</p> + + <p>The Soup must be Thick Turtel, such as Natur purwides in + this here cold seeson, not the Thin Turtel of Summer. The + Shampane must be Rich Clicko, or the werry best Pummery, sitch + as you can taste the ginerous grapes in, not the pore dry stuff + as young Swells drinks, becoz they're told as how it's + fashnabel; and the Sunlight can ginerally be got if you knows + where to look for it. For instance now, in one of the cold + foggy days of last month, my Amerrycan frend said to me, "What + on airth, ROBERT, can a gentleman find to do on sitch a orful + day as this?" So sez I, "Take a Cab to Wictoria Station, and go + to the Cristel Pallis, wark about in the brillient sunshine as + you will find there a waiting for you, for about two howers, + not a moment longer, then cum strait back, and you shall find a + lovly lunch."</p> + + <p>And off he went, a larfing to think how he would emuse + himself when he came back by pitching into pore me. But it does + so happen as Waiters ain't not quite so deaf as sum peeple + thinks 'em, and I've offen 'erd peeple say, that amost always, + if you sees the Sun a trying for to peep thro the fog, and see + how we all gits on without him, a leetle way out of town, on an + 'ill, you will see him a shining away like fun!</p> + + <p>Well, xacly at 2:30, in cums my frend, a grinnin away like + the fablus Chesher Cat, and he says, says he, why Mr. ROBERT, + you're a reglar conjurer! It was all xacly as you prosefied! I + had two hours' glorious stroll in the Cristel Pallis Gardings + in the lovly sunshine!</p> + + <p>Hin ten minutes' time he was seated at a purfekly luvly + lunch, and a peggin away with sitch a happytight as princes + mite enwy!</p> + + <p>In times like these, dine out reglar either two or three + times a week, and drink generusly, but wisely, not too well, + and on receiving the accustomed At, think of the ard times the + pore Waiter has had to pass through lately, and dubble, or ewen + tribbel the accustumd Fee. You'll never miss it, but, on the + contrairy, will sleep all the sounder for it.</p> + + <p>Never read no accounts in Noosepapers of hillnesses and + sich-like, and keep a few little sixpences in your ticket + pocket; then if a pore woman arsks you if you have a penny to + spare, say no, but praps this will do as well, and give her a + sixpence, and then see her look of estonished rapcher, aye, and + ewen share it to some small degree.</p> + + <p>Check a frown, and encouridge a smile, and the one will + wanish away, and the other dewelope into a larf. Let your + principle virtues be ginerosity and ope, and allers look on the + brite side of ewerythink, as the Miller said to the Sweep.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A HUMAN PARADOX.—The man who gives away his friends + without losing them.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, Feb. 20, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14321-h.htm or 14321-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/2/14321/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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