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diff --git a/14321-0.txt b/14321-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..542a1e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14321-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1244 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14321 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +February 20, 1892. + + + + +JIM'S JOTTINGS. + +NO. II.--RATS'-RENTS, THE RENTERS AND THE RENTED. + + [In which GINGER JIMMY gives his views of Lazarus, Dives, + Dirt, Mother Church, Slum-Freeholders and "Freedom of + Contract."] + + "The Golgotha of Slumland!" That's a phrase as I am told + Is made use of by a party,--wich that party must be bold,-- + In the name of Mister LAZARUS, a good Saint Pancrage gent, + Wot has writ a book on Slumland, and its Landlords, and its Rent.[1] + + He's a Member of the "Westry 'Ealth Committee," so it seems, + And the story wot he tells will sound, _to some_, like 'orrid + dreams. + But, lor bless yer! _we_ knows better, and if sech 'cute coves as + 'im + Want to ferret hout the _facks_, they might apply to GINGER JIM. + + There's the mischief in these matters; them as knows won't always + tell. + Wy, if you want to spot a "screw," or track up a bad smell, + You've got to be a foxer, for whilst slums makes topping rent, + There will always be lots 'anging round to _put yer off the scent_! + + I can tell yer arf the right 'uns even ain't quite in the know, + And there's lots o' little fakes to make 'em boggle, or go slow. + Werry plorserble their statements, and they puts 'em nice and plain, + And a crockidile _can_ drop 'em when 'e once turns on the main. + + All the tenants' faults; they likes it, dirt, and scrowging, and + damp walls! + They _git used to_ 'orrid odours! O the Landlord's tear-drop falls. + Werry often, when collecting of his rents, to see the 'oles + Where the parties as must pay 'em up _prefers_ to stick, pore souls! + + No compulsion, not a mossel! Ah, my noble lords and gents + Who are up in arms for Libbaty--that is, of paying rents-- + You've rum notions of Compulsion. NOCKY SPRIGGINS sez, sez 'e, + While you've got a chice of starving, or the workus, ain't ye + _free_! + + Free? O vus, we're free all round like; there ain't ne'er a + bloomin' slave, + White or black, but wot is free enough--to pop into 'is grave; + Though if they ketch yer trying even _that_ game, and yer _fail_, + Yer next skool for teaching freedom ain't the workus, but the jail! + + 'Andcuffs ain't the sole "Compulsion," nor yet laws ain't, nor yet + whips; + There is sech things as 'unger, and yer starving kids' white lips, + And bizness ties, a hempty purse, bad 'ealth, and ne'er a crust; + Swells may swear these ain't Compulsion, but _we_ know as they + means _must_. + + Ah! wot precious rum things _words_ is, 'ow they seems to fog the + wise! + If they'd only come and look at _things_, that is with their hown + heyes, + And not filantropic barnacles _or_ goldian giglamps--lor! + Wot a lob of grabs and gushers might shut up their blessed jor! + + The nobs who're down on workmen, 'cos on "knobsticks" _they_ will + frown, + Has a 'arty love for Libbaty--when keepin' wages down. + Contrack's a sacred 'oly thing, freedom carnt 'ave _that_ broke, + But Free Contrack wot's _forced_ on yer--wy, o'course, that sounds + a joke. + + If they knowed us and our sort, gents, they would know Free + Contrack's fudge, + When one side ain't got a copper, 'as been six weeks on the trudge, + Or 'as built his little bizness up in one pertikler spot, + And if the rent's raised on 'im must turn hout, and starve or rot! + + Coarse words, my lords and ladies! Well, yer may as well be dumb, + As talk pooty on the questions wot concerns hus in the Slum. + There ain't nothink pooty in 'em, and I cannot 'elp but think + Some of our friends 'as spiled our case by piling on the pink. + + Foxes 'ave 'oles, the Book sez; well, no doubt they feels content, + For they finds, or makes, their 'ouses, and don't 'ave to pay no + rent; + But _our_ 'oles--well, someone builds 'em for us, such, in course + is kind, + But it ain't a bad investment, as them Landlords seems to find. + + The Marquiges and Mother Church pick lots of little plums, + And the wust on 'em don't seem to be their proputty in slums. + Oh, I'd like to take a Bishop on the trot around our court, + And then arsk 'ow the Church spends the coin collected from our + sort. + + Wot's the use of pictering 'errors? Let 'im put 'is 'oly nose + To the pain of close hinspection; lot his venerable toes + Pick a pathway through our gutter, let his gaiters climb our stairs; + And when 'e kneels that evening, I should like to 'ear 'is prayers! + + I'm afraid that in Rats' Rents he mightn't find a place to kneel + Without soiling of his small clothes. Yus, to live in dirt, I feel + Is a 'orrid degradation; but one thing I'd like to know, + Is it wus than living _on_ it? Let 'im answer; it's his go. + + "All a blowing" ain't much paternised, not down our Court, it ain't. + Wich we aren't as sweet as iersons, not yet as fresh as paint! + For yer don't get spicy breezes in a den all dirt and dusk, + From a 'apenny bunch o' wallflower, or a penny plarnt o' musk. + + Wot do _you_ think? Bless yer 'earts, gents, I wos down some + months ago + With a bout o' the rheumatics, and 'ad got so precious low + I wos sent by some good ladies, wot acrost me chanced to come-- + Bless their kindness!--to a 'evvin called a Convalescent 'Ome. + + Phew! Wen I come back to Rats' Rents, 'ow I sickened of its smells, + Arter all them trees and 'ayfields, and them laylocks and + blue-bells, + And sometimes I think--pertikler when I'm nabbed by them old pains-- + Wot a proper world it might be if it weren't for dirt and drains. + + Who's to blame for Dirt? Yer washups, praps it ain't for me to say, + But--I don't think there'd be much of it if 'twasn't made to _pay_! + _Who_ does it pay? The Renters or the Rented? I've no doubt + When you spot _who_ cops the Slum-swag--wy, yer won't be so fur out! + +[Footnote 1: _Landlordism_, by HENRY LAZARUS.] + + * * * * * + +WRIGHT AND WRONG. + +"We are getting on by leaps and bounds," remarked Mr. WILDEY WEIGHT, +during a recent case. Whereat there was "laughter." But Mr. HORACE +BROWNE, for Plaintiff, "objected to remarks of this kind." Then Mr. +Justice COLLINS begged Mr. W. WRIGHT "not to make such picturesque +interjections." Later on, Mr. HORACE BROWNE said to a Witness (whose +name, "BURBAGE," ought to have elicited from Judge or Counsel some +apposite Shakspearian allusion--but it didn't), "Then you had him on +toast." This also was received with "laughter." But Mr. WILDEY WRIGHT +did not object to this. No! he let it pass without interruption, +implying by his eloquent silence that such a remark was neither a +"picturesque interjection," nor sufficiently humorous for him to take +objection to it. The other day, in a County Court, a Barrister refused +to go on with a case until the Judge had done smiling! But--"This is +another story." + + * * * * * + +GOOD GRACE-IOUS! + + Two out of three, my GRACE! That sounds a drubber. + No chance for England now to "win the rubber." + We deemed you romping in, that second Cable; + But your team didn't. Fact is, 'twasn't ABEL + (Though ABEL in himself was quite a team). + Well, well, your SHEFFIELD blades met quite the cream + Of Cornstalk Cricketers. Cheer up, cut in! + And when March comes, make that Third Match a Win! + We're sure that while you hold the Captain's place, + Your men will win or lose with a good GRACE! + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTED TITLE FOR AN ACCOUNT OF A GORGEOUS BALLET OF UGLY +GIRLS.--The Story of the Glittering Plain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "STRAY SHEEP." + +(_As illustrated by Mr. Chamberlain in his Speech in the House on +Thursday, February 11._) + + "THOSE SHEEP WHO NEVER HEARD THEIR SHEPHERD'S VOICE; + WHO DID NOT KNOW, YET WOULD NOT LEARN THEIR WAY; + WHO STRAYED THEMSELVES, YET GRIEVED THAT I SHOULD STRAY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PERFECTLY PLAIN. + +_Young Wife._ "OH, I'M SO HAPPY! HOW IS IT YOU'VE NEVER MARRIED, MISS +PRYMME?" + +_Miss Prymme._ "MY DEAR, I NEVER HAVE ACCEPTED--AND NEVER WOULD +ACCEPT--ANY OFFER OF MARRIAGE!" + +[_And then her Questioner began softly playing the old Air, "Nobody +axed you."_]] + + * * * * * + +THE TWO SHEPHERDS. + + [Mr. JOHN MORLEY was, on Feb. 6, at Newcastle-on-Tyne, + initiated a Hon. Member of the Loyal Order of Ancient + Shepherds, and afterwards, in a speech in the People's + Palace, sharply criticised Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's plan for Old + Age Pensions, expressing his preference for "more modest + operations" in the direction of relaxing and enlarging the + provisions of the Poor Law.] + +_To the Tune of Burns's "The Twa Herds."_ + + O, all ye poor and aged flocks, + Dealt with in fashion orthodox + By Bumble bodies hard as rocks, + And stern as tykes; + And treated like mere waifs and crooks, + Or herded Smikes! + + Two brother Shepherds, as men thought, + Have somehow fallen out and fought, + Though each your welfare swore he sought; + Flock-herding elves, + What can this bickering have brought + Between themselves? + + O, earnest JOHN and jocund JOE, + How could two Shepherds shindy so. + Old Light and New Light, _con._ and _pro_? + Now dash my buttons! + A squabbling pastor is a foe + To all poor muttons. + + O Sirs, whoe'er would have expected + That crook and pipe you'd have neglected, + By foolish love of fight infected + Concerning food? + As though the sheep would have rejected + Aught that is good! + + What herd like JOSEPH could prevail? + His voice was heard o'er hill and dale; + He knew each sheep from head to tail + In vale or height, + And told whether 'twas sick or hale + At the first sight. + + But JOE had a new-fangled plan + For feeding ancient sheep. The man + Posed as a true Arcadian, + With a great gift + For zeal humanitarian, + Combined with thrift. + + But JOHN replied, "Pooh-pooh! Your scheme + Is but an optimistic dream, + Whose 'shadowy incentives' seem + The merest spooks. + Better the ancient plans, I deem, + Food, folds, and crooks. + + "You do not grapple with the case + Of poorest sheep, a numerous race. + As to the black ones, with what face + Claim care for such? + 'Tis hungry old sheep of good race + _My_ feelings touch. + + "Your scheme will cost no end--and fail. + No sheep who ever twitched a tail + So foolish is--I would not rail!-- + As _such_ a 'herd.' + I'd 'modest operations' hail, + But yours?--absurd! + + "Better reform, relax, extend + The old provisions. I commend + Plenty of food, and care no end, + For all poor sheep; + But flocks would not _get_ poor, my friend, + _Had they good keep!_" + + Fancy how JOE would cock a nose + At "Cockney JOHN," as certain foes + Called JOSEPH's rival. Words like those + Part Shepherd swains. + Sad when crook-wielders meet as foes + On pastoral plains! + + Such two! O, do I live to see + Such famous pastors disagree, + Calling each other--woe is me!-- + Bad names by turns? + Shall we not say in diction free + With BOBBIE BURNS? + + "O! a' ye flocks, owre a' the hills + By mosses, meadows, moors and fells. + Come join your counsels and your skills + To cowe the lairds. + And get the brutes the power themsels + _To choose their herds!_" + + * * * * * + +"AND A GOOD JUDGE, TOO!" + + There is a good Justice named GRANTHAM, + Who tells lawyers truths that should haunt 'em. + There are seeds of reform + In his speech, wise as warm, + And long may he flourish--to plant 'em! + + * * * * * + +STRANGE BUT TRUE.--When does a Husband find his Wife out? When he +finds her at home and she doesn't expect him. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXVI. + + SCENE--_On the Lagoons. CULCHARD and PODBURY's gondola is + nearing Venice. The apricot-tinted diaper on the façade of + the Ducal Palace is already distinguishable, and behind its + battlements the pearl-grey summits of the domes of St. Mark's + shimmer in the warm air. CULCHARD and PODBURY have hardly + exchanged a sentence as yet. The former has just left off + lugubriously whistling as much as he can remember of "Che + faro," the latter is still humming "The Dead March in Saul," + although in a livelier manner than at first._ + +_Culch._ Well, my dear PODBURY, our--er--expedition has turned out +rather disastrously! + +_Podb._ (_suspending the Dead March, chokily_). Not much mistake about +_that_--but there, it's no good talking about it. Jolly that brown and +yellow sail looks on the fruit-barge there. See? + +[Illustration: "Reads with a gradually lengthening countenance."] + +_Culch._ (_sardonically_). Isn't it a little late in the day to be +cultivating an eye for colour? I was about to say that those two +girls have treated us infamously. I say deliberately, my dear PODBURY, +_infamously_! + +_Podb._ Now drop it, CULCHARD, do you hear? I won't hear a word +against either of them. It serves us jolly well right for not knowing +our own minds better--though I no more dreamed that old BOB would--Oh, +hang it, I can't talk about it yet! + +_Culch._ That's childishness, my dear fellow; you _ought_ to talk +about it--it will do you good. And really, I'm not at all sure, after +all, that we have not both of us had a fortunate escape. One is very +apt to--er--overrate the fascinations of persons one meets abroad. +Now, neither of those two was _quite_-- + +_Podb._ (_desperately_). Take care! I swear I'll pitch you out of this +gondola, unless you stop that jabber! + +_Culch._ (_with wounded dignity_). I am willing to make great +allowances for your state of mind, PODBURY, but such an expression +as--as _jabber_, applied to my--er--well-meant attempts +at consolation, and just as I was about to propose an +arrangement--really, it's _too_ much! The moment we reach the hotel, +I will relieve you from any further infliction from (_bitterly_) what +you are pleased to call my "jabber!" + +_Podb._ (_sulkily_). Very well--'m sure _I_ don't care! (_To +himself._) Even old CULCHARD won't have anything to do with me now! I +must have _somebody_ to talk to--or I shall go off my head! (_Aloud_). +I say, old _chap_! (_No answer_.) Look here--it's bad enough as it is +without _our_ having a row! Never mind anything I said. + +_Culch._ I _do_ mind--I _must_. I am not accustomed to hear myself +called a--a _jabberer_! + +_Podb._ I _didn't_ call you a jabberer--I only said you _talked_ +jabber. I--I hardly know what I _do_ say, when I'm like this. And I'm +deuced sorry I spoke--there! + +_Culch._ (_relaxing_). Well, do you withdraw jabber? + +_Podb._ Certainly, old chap. I _like_ you to talk, only not--not +against Her, you know! What were you going to propose? + +_Culch._ Well, my idea was this. My leave is practically unlimited--at +least, without vanity, I think I may say that my Chief sufficiently +appreciates my services not to make a fuss about a few extra days. So +I thought I'd just run down to Florence and Naples, and perhaps catch +a P. & O. at Brindisi. I suppose _you're_ not tied to time in any way? + +_Podb._ (_dolefully_). Free as a bird! If the Governor had wanted me +back in the City, he'd have let me know it. Well? + +_Culch._ Well, if you like to come with me, I--I shall be very pleased +to have your company. + +_Podb._ (_considering_). I don't care if I do--it may cheer me up a +bit. Florence, eh?--and Naples? I shouldn't mind a look at Florence. +Or Rome. How about Rome, now? + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). Was I wise to expose myself to this sort of +thing _again_? I'm almost sorry I-- (_Aloud._) My dear fellow, if +we are to travel together in any sort of comfort, you must leave all +details to _me_. And there's one thing I _do_ insist on. In future we +must keep to our original resolution--not to be drawn into any chance +acquaintanceship. I don't want to reproach you, but if, when we were +first at Brussels, you had not allowed yourself to get so intimate +with the TROTTERS, all this would never-- + +_Podb._ (_exasperated_). There you go again! I can't stand being jawed +at, CULCHARD, and I won't! + +_Culch._ I am no more conscious of "jawing" than "jabbering," and if +_that_ is how I am to be spoken to--! + +_Podb._ I know. Look here, it's no use. You must go to Florence by +yourself. I simply don't feel up to it, and that's the truth. I shall +just potter about here, till--till _they_ go. + +_Culch._ As you choose. I gave you the opportunity--out of kindness. +If you prefer to make yourself ridiculous by hanging about here, it's +no concern of mine. I daresay I shall enjoy Florence at least as well +by myself. + + [_He sulks until they arrive at the Hotel Dandolo, where they + are received on the steps by the Porter._ + +_Porter_. Goot afternoon, Schendlemen. You have a bleasant dimes at +Torcello, yes? Ach! you haf gif your gondoliers vifdeen franc? Zey +schvindle you, oal ze gondoliers alvays schvindles eferypody, yes! +Zere is som ledders for you. I vetch zem. [_He bustles away._ + +_Mr. Bellerby_ (_suddenly emerging from a recess in the entrance, as +he recognises CULCHARD_). Why bless me, there's a face I know! Met +at Lugano, didn't we? To be sure--very pleasant chat we had too! So +you're at Venice, eh? I know every stone of it by heart, as I needn't +say. The first time I was ever at Venice-- + +_Culch._ (_taking a bulky envelope from the Porter_). Just so--how are +you? Er--will you excuse me? + + [_He opens the envelope and finds a blue official-looking + enclosure, which he reads with a gradually lengthening + countenance._ + +_Mr. B._ (_as CULCHARD thrusts the letter angrily into his pocket_). +You're new to Venice, I think? Well, just let me give you a word of +advice. Now you _are_ here--you make them give you some tunny. Insist +on it, Sir. Why, when I was here first-- + +_Culch._ (_impatiently_). I know. I mean, you told me that before. And +I _have_ tasted tunny. + +_Mr. B._ Ha! well, what did you think of it? _Delicious_, eh? + +_Culch._ (_forgetting all his manners_). Beastly, Sir, _beastly! +[Leaves the scandalised Mr. B. abruptly, and rushes off to get a +telegram form at the bureau._ + +_Mr. Crawley Strutt_ (_pouncing on PODBURY in the hall, as he +finishes the perusal of his letter_). Excuse me--but surely I have +the honour of addressing Lord GEORGE GUMBLETON? You may perhaps just +recollect, my Lord--? + +_Podb._ (_blankly_). Think you've made a mistake, really. + +_Mr. C.S._ Is it possible! I have come across so many people while +I've been away that--but surely we have met _somewhere_? Why, of +course, Sir JOHN JUBBER! you must pardon me, SIR JOHN-- + +_Podb._ (_recognizing him_). My name's PODBURY--plain PODBURY, but +you're quite right. You _have_ met me--and you've met my bootmaker +too. "Lord UPPERSOLE," eh? That's where the mistake came in! + +_Mr. C.S._ (_with hauteur_). I think not, Sir; I have no recollection +of the circumstance. I see now your face is quite unfamiliar to me. + + [_He moves away; PODBURY gets a telegram form and sits down + at a table in the hall opposite CULCHARD._ + +_Culch._ (_reading over his telegram_). "Yours just received. Am +returning immediately." + +_Podb._ (_do., do._). "Letter to hand. No end sorry. Start at once." +(_Seeing CULCHARD._) Wiring to Florence for room, eh? + +_Culch._ Er--no. The fact is, I've just heard from my Chief--a--a +most intemperate communication, insisting on my instant return to my +duties! I shall have to humour him, I suppose, and leave at once. + +_Podb._ So shall I. No end of a shirty letter from the Governor. Wants +to know how much longer I expect him to be tied to the office. Old +humbug, when he only turns up twice a week for a couple of hours! + +_The Porter_. Peg your bardons, Schendlemen, but if you haf qvide done +vid ze schtamps on your ledders, I gollect bostage schtamps, yes. + +_Culch._ (_irritably flinging him the envelope_). Oh, confound it all. +take them. _I_ don't want them! (_He looks at his letter once more._) +I say, PODBURY, it--it's worse than I thought. This thing's a week +old! Must have been lying in my rooms all this time--or else in that +infernal Italian post! + +_Podb._ Whew, old chap! I say, I wouldn't be _you_ for something! +Won't you catch it when you _do_ turn up? But look here--as things +are, we may as well travel _home_ together, eh? + +_Culch._ (_with a flicker of resentment_). In spite of my tendency to +"jaw" and "jabber"? + +_Podb._ Oh, never mind all that now. We're companions in misfortune, +you know, and we'd better stick together, and keep each other's +spirits up. After all, you're in a much worse hat than _I_ am! + +_Culch._ If _that's_ the way you propose to keep my spirits up!--But +let us keep together, by all means, if you wish it, and just go and +find out when the next train starts, will you? (_To himself, as +PODBURY departs._) I must put up with him a little longer, I suppose. +Ah me! _How_ differently I should be feeling now, if HYPATIA had only +been true to herself. But that's all over, and I daresay it's better +so ... I daresay! + + [_He strolls into the hotel-garden, and begins to read his + Chief's missive once more, in the hope of deciphering some + faint encouragement between the lines._ + +FINIS. + + * * * * * + +A TENNYSONIAN FRAGMENT. + +[Illustration] + + So in the village inn the Poet dwelt. + His honey-dew was gone; only the pouch, + His cousin's work, her empty labour, left. + But still he sniffed it, still a fragrance clung + And lingered all about the broidered flowers. + Then came his landlord, saying in broad Scotch, + "Smoke plug, mon," whom he looked at doubtfully. + Then came the grocer, saying, "Hae some twist + At tippence," whom he answered with a qualm. + But when they left him to himself again, + Twist, like a fiend's breath from a distant room + Diffusing through the passage, crept; the smell + Deepening had power upon him, and he mixt + His fancies with the billow-lifted bay + Of Biscay, and the rollings of a ship. + + And on that night he made a little song, + And called his song "_The Song of Twist and Plug_," + And sang it: scarcely could he make or sing. + + "Rank is black plug, though smoked in wind and rain; + And rank is twist, which gives no end of pain; + I know not which is ranker, no, not I. + + "Plug, art thou rank? Then milder twist must be; + Plug, thou art milder; rank is twist to me. + O Twist, if plug be milder, let me buy. + + "Rank twist, that seems to make me fade away, + Rank plug, that navvies smoke in loveless clay, + I know not which is ranker, no, not I. + + "I fain would purchase flake, if that could be; + I needs must purchase plug, ah woe is me! + Plug and a cutty, a cutty, let me buy." + + * * * * * + +COMPLICATED CASE.--The other day, an Italian Organ-grinder was +arrested for having shot one GIUSEPPE PIA. "He admitted the charge" +(we quote the _Globe_), "but said the gun went off accidentally." +When a Gentleman "admits the charge" (though indeed it was the other +one who did _that_), how the gun went off seems to be a matter of +secondary importance. + + * * * * * + +THE NAME AND THE THING.--A vote of thanks to Sir CHARLES RUSSELL, +after his address to the Liberal and Radical Association, was earned +by a Wapping Majority. + + * * * * * + +A LATTERDAY VALENTINE. + +(LEAP YEAR: NEW STYLE.) + +(_FROM MISS ANASTASIA JAY, NEW YORK, TO THOMAS, EARL OF DUNBROWNE, +LONDON._) + +[Illustration] + + Valentines plebeian + Cannot fix an Earl-- + I'm as you may see, an + Ardent Yankee girl. + Nothing "soft" you'll find here, + No old-fashioned lay; + Say then, you'll be mine, dear, + In the modern way. + + _You_ (we haven't met as + Yet I must record) + Figure in _Debrett_ as + Out-and-out a Lord: + Ancestors, a thousand, + Dignities, a score-- + Hear my bashful vows, and + Think this matter o'er. + + I don't in for Pa go; + Pa despised New York; + Porpa in Chicago + Cultivated pork: + Ma was born a Gerald; + Birth was Morma's pride-- + As the _New York Herald_ + Mentioned when she died. + + Well, my pile's a million, + That's a fact, you bet: + I'm in our cotillon + Quite the Broadway Pet: + I can sing like PATTI; + And to win I went + For the Cincinnati + Tennis Tournament. + + I've a lovely right hand; + For my face I've sat + By electric light--and + Elegant at that! + I enclose the photo, + Just for you to see, + But deny _in toto_ + That it flatters me. + + _You_, I've read, are rather + "Up the Spout" for cash, + Owing to your father + Having been so splash: + _I_ from debt could free you, + And in Politics + Calculate to see you + Bagging all the tricks. + + Any Earl who marries + ANASTASIA JAY + Will (except in Paris) + Get his little way, + Fear no interference; + Relatives remain,-- + But their disappearance + Beats me to explain. + + THOMAS, I adore thee!-- + "THOMAS" _is_ thy name, + Isn't it?--the more the + Scandal and the shame! + All I ask you, TOM, is + Just one loving line, + One type-written promise + Publishing you mine. + + Matrimony's heart is + Houselike, "half-detached," + Seldom save at parties + Or in papers matched-- + Answer "Yes," or break'll + This poor heart of mine. + Be my _Fin-de-Siècle_, + Be my Valentine! + + * * * * * + +QUERY BY A DEPRESSED CONVALESCENT.--"This Influenza is nothing new, +nor is the Microbe. Wasn't MICROBIUS an ancient classic writer? Didn't +he treat this subject historically? There's evidently some confusion +of ideas somewhere. As _Hamlet_ says:-- + + 'O, cursed spite + That ever I was born to set it right.' + +But I beg pardon, that 'set it right' shows that _Hamlet_ was a +Surgeon, not a Physician. Excuse me. 'To bed! To bed!'" + + * * * * * + +SAD THOUGHT IN MY OWN LIBRARY.--I am a stranger among books. Resting +on their shelves, they all turn their backs on me. _En revanche_, if I +find among them a new one, a perfect stranger to me, I cut him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUE HOSPITALITY. + +(_Sir Bonamy Croesus gives seven Dinner Parties a week, and expects +his Friends to come and choose their own day, and inscribe their Names +and the Date on the Dinner-Book in the Hall_.) + +_Fair Visitor_. "Look, George! Wednesday, the 17th, the Fetterbys +are coming. That'll do capitally!" (_Writes down "Mr. and Mrs. Topham +Sawyer, Feb. 17th."_) "And There's room for one more. Let's drive +round to Emily's, and get her to come and put her Name down for the +same Day!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 8_.--The coming of Prince ARTHUR +anxiously looked for as Members gathered for last Session of a +memorable Parliament. When, in August last, he, with the rest of us, +went away, OLD MORALITY still sat in Leader's place. He was, truly, +just then absent in the flesh, already wasting with the dire disease +that carried him off. It was JOKIM who occupied the place of Leader; +Prince ARTHUR, content to sit lower down. It seemed to some that when +vacancy occurred JOKIM, that veteran Child of Promise, would step in, +and younger men wait their turn. But youth of certain quality must +come to the front, as BONAPARTE testified even before he went to +Italy, and as PITT showed when the Rockingham Administration went to +pieces. + +Prince ARTHUR came in shortly after four o'clock. House full, +especially on Opposition Benches; faint blush suffused ingenuous cheek +as welcoming cheer arose. Seemed to know his way to Leader's place, +and took it naturally. Pretty to see JOKIM drop in on one side of +him with MATTHEWS on the other, buttressing him about with financial +reputation and legal erudition. _Tableau_ quite undesigned, but none +the less effective. Prince ARTHUR, young, hot-tempered and, though not +without parts, prone to commit errors of judgment. But with JOKIM at +his left shoulder, and HENRY MATTHEWS at his right, humble citizens +looking on from opposite Benches, felt a sweet content. On such a +basis, the Constitution might stand any blast. + +In absence of Mr. G., who still dallies with the sunshine of Riviera, +SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, fresh from hunting in the New Forest, more than +fills the place of Leader of Opposition. A favourable opportunity for +distinguishing himself marred by accidental prevalence of funereal +associations. + +"The Squire," said PLUNKET--watching him as, with legs reverently +crossed, and elbow sympathisingly resting on box, carefully +suggestive of life-sized figure of tombstone-mourner, he intoned his +lamentation--"is not fitted for the part, and consequently overdoes +it. _L'Allegro_ is his line. _Il Penseroso_ does not suit him." + +Everyone glad when, sermon over, and the black-edged folios put aside, +the Squire began business. Happy enough in his attack on JOKIM, always +a telling subject in present House of Commons. + +"He is," says SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, drawing upon his theatrical +experiences, "like the Policeman in the Pantomime; always safe for a +roar of laughter if you bonnet him or trip him up over the doorstep." + +For the rest, as Prince ARTHUR pointed out when he came to reply, +Squire's speech had very little to do with the Address, on which +it was ostensibly based. Couldn't resist temptation of enlarging on +financial science for the edification of the unhappy JOKIM. + +"Finance," observed DICKY TEMPLE, "is HARCOURT's foible." + +"Yes," said JENNINGS, whom everyone is glad to see back in better +health, "and funeral sermons are his forte." + +Through nearly hour and half the Squire mourned and jibed, Prince +ARTHUR listening attentively, all unconscious of the Shades hovering +about the historic seat in which he lounged, as nearly as possible, +at full length--OLD MORALITY, kindly generous, pleased in another's +prosperity; STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, marvelling at the madness of a world +he has not been loth to quit; DIZZY tickled with the whole situation, +though perhaps a little shocked to see a Leader of the House resting +apparently on his shoulder-blades in the seat where from 1874 to +1876 there posed an upright statuesque figure with folded arms and +mask-like face, lit up now and then by the gleam of eyes that saw +everything whilst they seemed to be looking no whither. PAM was there, +too, with slightly raised eyebrows as they fell on the youthful form +already installed in a place he had not reached till he was almost +twice the age of the newcomer. JOHNNY RUSSELL, scowled at the intruder +under a hat a-size-and-half too big for his legs. CANNING looked on, +and thought of his brief tenure of the same place whilst the +century was young. Still further in the shade PITT joined the group. +[Illustration: "THE COMING OF ARTHUR." + +Shade of Pam. "H'M! A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THE PART,--DON'T YOU THINK?" + +Shade of Dizzy. "WELL, YES! _WE_ HAD TO WAIT FOR IT A GOOD MANY +YEARS!--BUT I THINK HE'LL DO!!"] + +"Well at least _he_ was even younger when he came to our place," PAM +whispered in DIZZY's ear, startling him as he inadvertently touched +his cheek with the straw he still seems to hold in his teeth, as he +did when JOHN LEECH was alive. + +Prince ARTHUR, facing the crowded Opposition Benches, of course saw +nothing of this; lounged and listened smilingly as the Squire, having +shaken up JOKIM and his one-pound notes, went oft to Exeter to pummel +the MARKISS. + +_Business done._--Address moved. + +_Wednesday._--Evidently going to be an Agricultural Labourer's +Session. Small Holdings Bill put in forefront of Programme. District +Councils hinted at. In this situation it was stroke of genius, due I +believe to the MARKISS, that such happy selection was made of Mover of +Address. + +"It's trifles that make up the mass, my dear nephew," the MARKISS +said, when this matter was being discussed in the Recess. "No detail +is so small that we can afford to omit it. It was a happy thought of +yours, perhaps a little too subtle for some intellects, to associate +CHAPLIN with Small Holdings. In this other matter, let me have my way. +Put up HODGE to move the Address. It will be worth 10,000 votes in the +agricultural districts. I suppose he wouldn't like to come down in +a smock frock with a whip in his hand? Don't know why he shouldn't; +quite as reasonable as a civilian getting himself up as a Colonel or +an Admiral. With HODGE in a smock frock moving the Address we'd sweep +the country. But that I must leave to you; only let us have HODGE." + +So it was arranged. But Member for Accrington wouldn't stand the +smock-frock. Insisted upon coming out in war-like uniform. Trousers +a little tight about the knees, and jacket perhaps a trifle too +tasselly. But made very good speech in the circumstances. + +[Illustration: Orator Hodge (in mufti).] + +_Business done._--Bills brought in by the half hundred. + +_Thursday Night._--Things been rather dull hitherto. House as it were +lying under a pall, "Every man," as O'HANLON says, "not knowing what +moment may be his next." Still on Debate on Address. When resumed +to-night, CHAMBERLAIN stepped into ring and took off his coat. When +Members saw the faithful JESSE bring in sponge and vinegar-bottle, +knew there would be some sport. Anticipation not disappointed. JOE in +fine fighting form. Went for the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD round after round; +occasionally turned to aim a "wonner" at his "Right Hon. Friend" JOHN +MORELY. Conservatives delighted; had always thought just what JOE +was saying, but hadn't managed to put their ideas into such easily +fleeting, barbed sentences. Only once was there any shade on the faces +of the country gentlemen opposite. That spread when JOE proposed to +quote the "lines of CHURCHILL." + +"No, no," said Lord HENRY BRUCE in audible whisper, "he'd better leave +GRANDOLPH alone. Never knew he wrote poetry. If he did, there's lots +of others. Why, when we're going on so nicely, why drag in CHURCHILL?" + +Depression only momentary. Conservative cheers rose again and again as +JOE, turning a mocking face, and shaking a minatory forefinger at the +passive monumental figure of the guileless SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, did, +as JOHN MORLEY, with rare outburst of anger, presently said, from his +place in the centre of the Liberal Camp, "denounce and assail Liberal +principles, Liberal measures, and his old Liberal colleagues." + +After this it was nothing that, some hours later, O'HANLON, rising +from a Back Bench, and speaking on another turn of the Debate, should +observe, in loud voice, with eye fixed in fine frenzy on the nape of +the Squire's neck, as he sat on the Front Bench with folded arms, "I +do not believe in the Opposition Leaders, who have split up my Party, +and are now living on its blood." + +_Business done._--JOSEPH turns and rends his Brethren. + +_Friday Night._--In Commons night wasted by re-delivery of speeches +made last year by Irish Members pleading for amnesty for Dynamitards. +JOHN REDMOND began it. No Irish Member could afford to be off on +this scene, so one after another they trotted out their speeches of +yester-year. + +Lords much more usefully occupied in discussing London Fog. MIDDLETON +moved for Royal Commission. MARKISS drew fine distinction. "What +you really want to remedy," he said, "is not the fog itself, but +its colour." Rather seemed to like the fog, _per se_, if only his +particular fancy in matter of colour gratified. Didn't mention what +colour he preferred; but fresh difficulty looming out of the fog +evident. Tastes differ. If every man is to have his own particular +coloured fog, our last state will be worse than the first. + +_Business done._--None. + + * * * * * + +AN INFLUENZA SONG. + +AIR--"_OH, WE'RE ALL NODDIN'._" + + Oh, we've none coddlin', + Cod, cod, coddlin'; + Oh, we've none coddlin'. + At our house at home! + + Ha!--my Father has a cough-- + Now--my Mother has a wheeze; + What!! my Brother has a pain + In forehead, arms, chest, back and knees. + So--we've three coddlin', &c. + + How my eldest Sister aches + From her forehead to her toes! + And my second Brother's eyes + Are weeping either side his nose. + So--we've five coddlin', &c. + + There's my eldest Brother down + With a pain all round his head, + Ah! I'm the only one who's up-- + Oh!... Oh!... I'll go to bed! + So--we're all coddlin', &c. + + As the Doctor orders Port, + Orders Burgundy, Champagne, + Good living and good drinking, + Why we none of us complain, + While we're--all coddlin', + Cod, cod, coddlin', + While we're all coddlin' + At our house at home! + + * * * * * + +BY A SMALL WESTERN.--Orientals take off their shoes on entering a +Mosque. We remove our hats on entering a Church. Both symbolical; one +leaves his understanding outside; the other enters with a clear head. + + * * * * * + +HORACE IN LONDON. + +TO THE COUNTY COUNCIL. (_AD REMPUBLICAM._) + +[Illustration] + + New vessel, now returning ship + From this thy tried and trial trip, + Refit in dock awhile: I fear + Your ballast looks a trifle queer. + + Your rigging ("rigging" is a word + By other folk than seamen heard) + Has got a little loose; you need + An overhaul, you do indeed. + + Your sails (or purchases?) should stay + The stress--and Press--that on them weigh: + This constant playing to the gods + Will scarcely weather blustering odds. + + In vain to blazon "London's Heart" + As figure-head, if thus you part + Unseaworthy; in vain to boast + Your "boom"--a cranky boom at most. + + We rate you, _we_ who pay your rates: + Beware the overhauling fates, + Beware lest down you go at last + The sport and puppet of the blast. + + I always voted you a bore, + But never quite so much before + Besought you with a frugal mind + To sail not quite so near the wind. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. AGAIN.--To our excellent old lady, being convalescent, her +niece was reading the news. She commenced about the County Council, +the first item in the report being headed, "An Articulated Skeleton." +"Ah!" interrupted the good lady, "murder will out! And where did they +find the skeleton of the Articulated Clerk?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN INCOMPLETE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. + +_Ethel_. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAMMA?" + +_Mamma_. "ETHEL, THERE ARE YOUR NEW GOLF THINGS JUST COME, THAT I +ORDERED FOR YOU FROM EDINBORO, AND--ISN'T IT PROVOKING?--THEY'VE +ACTUALLY FORGOTTEN _THE LINKS_!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +PROFESSOR HUBERT HERKOMER has "dried his impressions," and given them +to the public in a handsome volume brought out by MACMILLAN & CO. It +is all interesting even to a non-artistic laic, for there is much "dry +point" of general application in the Professor's lectures. Yet, amid +all his learning and his light-hearted style, there is occasionally +a strain of melancholy, as when he pictures himself to us as +"etching and scratching on a bed of burr." Painful, very; likewise +Dantesque,--infernally Dantesque. But there is another and a more +cheerful view which the Baron prefers to take, and that is, the +word-picture which the Professor gives us of his little room in his +Bavarian home, where he says, "Under the seat by the table are my +bottles"--ah! quite Rabelaisian this!--"with the mordants, and my +dishes for the plates." Isn't this rare! "I should add, there is a +stove near the door." O Sybarite! Doesn't this suggest the notion of a +delightful little dinner _à deux_! With "the mordants,"--which is, of +course, a generic name for sauces of varied piquancy,--and with his +"dishes" artistically prepared and set before "the plates," as in due +order they should be, he is as correct as he is original. A true _bon +vivant_. The Baron highly commends the book, which only for the rare +etchings it contains, is well worth the attention of every amateur of +Art, and that he, the Baron, may, one of these days, dine with him, +the Professor, is the sincere wish of his truly, and everybody else's +truly, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"STUFF AND (NO) NONSENSE!"--"Begorra, 'tis an ill wind that blows +nobody any good," said The O'GORMAN DIZER, when he heard that on +account of the Influenza there was a Papal dispensation from fasting +and abstinence throughout the United kingdom. + + * * * * * + +IN THE SEAT OF WISDOM. + +At a meeting of the Drury Lane Lodge of Freemasons, said the _Daily +Telegraph_, "with all due solemnity was Mr. S.B. BANCROFT installed in +the Chair of King SOLOMON." This, whether an easy chair or not, ought +to be the seat of wisdom. Poor SOLOMON, the very much married man, was +not, however, particularly wise in his latter days, but, of course, +this chair was the one used by the Great Grand Master Mason before +it was taken from under him, and he fell so heavily, "never to rise +again." How fortunate for the Drury Lane Masons to have obtained this +chair of SOLOMON's. No doubt it was one of his wise descendants, +of whom there are not a few in the neighbourhood of Drury Lane, who +consented to part with this treasure to the Masonic Lodgers. So here's +King SOLOMON BUSY BANCROFT's good health! "Point, left, right! One, +two, three!" (_They drink._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS. + +THE CHANCERY JUDGES WILL BE EXPECTED TO TAKE THE INFANT SUITORS OUT +FOR AN AIRING IN THE PARK. N.B.--AFTER 4 P.M.] + + * * * * * + +A QUERY BY "PEN."--There was a "Pickwick Exam." invented by CALVERLEY +the Inimitable. Why not a "Pendennis" or "Vanity Fair" Exam.? _À +propos_, I would just ask one question of the Thackerayan student, and +it is this:--There was one _Becky_ whom everybody knows, but there was +another BECKY as good, as kind, as sympathetic, and as simple, as the +first _Becky_ was bad, cruel, selfish, and cunning. Where is BECKY the +Second to be found in W.M. THACKERAY's Works? + + * * * * * + +HER NOTE AND QUERY.--Mrs. R. was listening to a ghost-story. "After +all," observed her nephew, "the question is, is it true? True, or not +true 'there's the rub!'" "Ah! 'there's the rub!'" repeated our old +friend, meditatively. "I wonder if that expression is the origin of +the proverb, 'Truth is stranger than Friction?'" + + * * * * * + +LOCAL COLOUR.--"I should like to give all my creditors a dinner," +quoth the jovial and hospitable OWEN ORLROUND. "Where shall I have +it?" "Well," replied his old friend JOE KOSUS, "have it at Duns +Table." + + * * * * * + +CITY MEN.--"Hope springs eternal," and the motto for a probable +Lord Mayor in the not very dim and distant future must be "_Knill +desperandum_." + + * * * * * + +DOGS AND CATS--(CORRESPONDENCE.)--Sir,--A recent letter to the +_Spectator_ mentions the case of a man who "barked like a dog in his +sleep." The writer would like to know if anyone has ever had a similar +experience. Well, Sir, I knew a whole family of BARKERS, but I never +heard them bark. I knew three CATTS, sisters, who kept a shop, and +came from Cheshire; yet they were very serious persons, and never +grinned. Since this experience I have doubted the simile of the +Cheshire specimen of the feline race being founded on fact.--Yours, +&c., + +CATO. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WESTMINSTER WAXWORK SHOW FOR THE SESSION 1892.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PLEASURES OF SHOOTING. + +AFTER LUNCHEON THE "BEATING" IS A LITTLE WILD.] + + * * * * * + +WEATHER REFORM. + +SIR,--Acquiescence in the state of the weather is no longer _comme +il faut_. Bombarding the Empyrean is as little regarded as throwing +stones at monkeys, that they may make reprisals with cocoa-nuts; yet +the success of the rain-makers is very doubtful. Their premisses even +are disallowed by many considerable authorities. The little experiment +which I propose to submit to the meteorological officials is founded +on a fact of universal experience, and, if successful, would be of +immense utility. Every smoker must be aware that the force of the wind +varies inversely as the number of matches. On an absolutely still day, +with a heavy pall of fog over the streets, the striking of the last +match to light a pipe is invariably accompanied by a breeze, just +strong enough to extinguish the nascent flame. Now if two or three +thousand men simultaneously struck a last match, the resulting wind +would be of very respectable strength--anemometer could tell that. + +My proposal then, is this. When anticyclonic conditions next prevail, +and the great smoke-cloud incubates its cletch of microbes, let some +5,000 men, provided at the public expense with a pipe of tobacco and +one match each, be stationed in the City, at every corner and along +the streets, like the police on Lord Mayor's Day. At a given signal, +say the firing of the Tower guns, each man strikes his match. Judging +from the invariable result in my own case, this would be followed by +5,000 puffs of wind of sufficient strength to extinguish the lights, +or, better still, to give the 5,000 men some thirty seconds of intense +anxiety, while the wind plays between their fingers and over their +hands and round the bowls of their pipes. Multiplying the men by the +seconds (5,000 x 30) you get approximately the amount of the wind, in +wear and tare and tret. If this experiment were conducted on a duly +extensive scale round London; say at Brixton, Kensington, Holloway and +Stepney; there can be no doubt that a cyclone would be established, +and the fog effectually dissipated. The cost would be slight, and the +pipe of tobacco would afford a welcome treat to many a poor fellow out +of work in these hard times. + +Yours obediently, PETER PPIPER. + +_The Cave, Æolian Road, S.W._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S CURE FOR THE HINFLUENZY. + +I hopes as I shall not be blamed for my hordacity in writin as I am +writin, but it's reelly all the fault of my good-natred Amerrycan +frend. He says as it's my bounden dooty to do so, if ony to prove the +trooth of the old prowerb that tells us, "that Waiters rushes in where +Docters fears to tread!" He's pleased to say as he has never bin in +better helth than all larst Jennewerry at the Grand Hotel, and that he +owes it all to my sage adwice. + +[Illustration] + +"Allers let Nater be your Dick Tater!" In depressin times like these +here, keep the pot a bilin' so to speak; and stand firm to the three +hesses, Soup, Shampane, and Sunlight. + +The Soup must be Thick Turtel, such as Natur purwides in this here +cold seeson, not the Thin Turtel of Summer. The Shampane must be Rich +Clicko, or the werry best Pummery, sitch as you can taste the ginerous +grapes in, not the pore dry stuff as young Swells drinks, becoz +they're told as how it's fashnabel; and the Sunlight can ginerally be +got if you knows where to look for it. For instance now, in one of the +cold foggy days of last month, my Amerrycan frend said to me, "What +on airth, ROBERT, can a gentleman find to do on sitch a orful day +as this?" So sez I, "Take a Cab to Wictoria Station, and go to the +Cristel Pallis, wark about in the brillient sunshine as you will find +there a waiting for you, for about two howers, not a moment longer, +then cum strait back, and you shall find a lovly lunch." + +And off he went, a larfing to think how he would emuse himself when he +came back by pitching into pore me. But it does so happen as Waiters +ain't not quite so deaf as sum peeple thinks 'em, and I've offen 'erd +peeple say, that amost always, if you sees the Sun a trying for to +peep thro the fog, and see how we all gits on without him, a leetle +way out of town, on an 'ill, you will see him a shining away like fun! + +Well, xacly at 2:30, in cums my frend, a grinnin away like the fablus +Chesher Cat, and he says, says he, why Mr. ROBERT, you're a reglar +conjurer! It was all xacly as you prosefied! I had two hours' glorious +stroll in the Cristel Pallis Gardings in the lovly sunshine! + +Hin ten minutes' time he was seated at a purfekly luvly lunch, and a +peggin away with sitch a happytight as princes mite enwy! + +In times like these, dine out reglar either two or three times a week, +and drink generusly, but wisely, not too well, and on receiving the +accustomed At, think of the ard times the pore Waiter has had to pass +through lately, and dubble, or ewen tribbel the accustumd Fee. You'll +never miss it, but, on the contrairy, will sleep all the sounder for +it. + +Never read no accounts in Noosepapers of hillnesses and sich-like, +and keep a few little sixpences in your ticket pocket; then if a pore +woman arsks you if you have a penny to spare, say no, but praps this +will do as well, and give her a sixpence, and then see her look of +estonished rapcher, aye, and ewen share it to some small degree. + +Check a frown, and encouridge a smile, and the one will wanish away, +and the other dewelope into a larf. Let your principle virtues be +ginerosity and ope, and allers look on the brite side of ewerythink, +as the Miller said to the Sweep. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A HUMAN PARADOX.--The man who gives away his friends without losing +them. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, Feb. 20, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14321 *** |