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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102,
+Feb. 20, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 20, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 10, 2004 [EBook #14321]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+February 20, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+JIM'S JOTTINGS.
+
+NO. II.--RATS'-RENTS, THE RENTERS AND THE RENTED.
+
+    [In which GINGER JIMMY gives his views of Lazarus, Dives,
+    Dirt, Mother Church, Slum-Freeholders and "Freedom of
+    Contract."]
+
+  "The Golgotha of Slumland!" That's a phrase as I am told
+  Is made use of by a party,--wich that party must be bold,--
+  In the name of Mister LAZARUS, a good Saint Pancrage gent,
+  Wot has writ a book on Slumland, and its Landlords, and its Rent.[1]
+
+  He's a Member of the "Westry 'Ealth Committee," so it seems,
+  And the story wot he tells will sound, _to some_, like 'orrid
+          dreams.
+  But, lor bless yer! _we_ knows better, and if sech 'cute coves as
+          'im
+  Want to ferret hout the _facks_, they might apply to GINGER JIM.
+
+  There's the mischief in these matters; them as knows won't always
+          tell.
+  Wy, if you want to spot a "screw," or track up a bad smell,
+  You've got to be a foxer, for whilst slums makes topping rent,
+  There will always be lots 'anging round to _put yer off the scent_!
+
+  I can tell yer arf the right 'uns even ain't quite in the know,
+  And there's lots o' little fakes to make 'em boggle, or go slow.
+  Werry plorserble their statements, and they puts 'em nice and plain,
+  And a crockidile _can_ drop 'em when 'e once turns on the main.
+
+  All the tenants' faults; they likes it, dirt, and scrowging, and
+          damp walls!
+  They _git used to_ 'orrid odours! O the Landlord's tear-drop falls.
+  Werry often, when collecting of his rents, to see the 'oles
+  Where the parties as must pay 'em up _prefers_ to stick, pore souls!
+
+  No compulsion, not a mossel! Ah, my noble lords and gents
+  Who are up in arms for Libbaty--that is, of paying rents--
+  You've rum notions of Compulsion. NOCKY SPRIGGINS sez, sez 'e,
+  While you've got a chice of starving, or the workus, ain't ye
+          _free_!
+
+  Free? O vus, we're free all round like; there ain't ne'er a
+          bloomin' slave,
+  White or black, but wot is free enough--to pop into 'is grave;
+  Though if they ketch yer trying even _that_ game, and yer _fail_,
+  Yer next skool for teaching freedom ain't the workus, but the jail!
+
+  'Andcuffs ain't the sole "Compulsion," nor yet laws ain't, nor yet
+          whips;
+  There is sech things as 'unger, and yer starving kids' white lips,
+  And bizness ties, a hempty purse, bad 'ealth, and ne'er a crust;
+   Swells may swear these ain't Compulsion, but _we_ know as they
+          means _must_.
+
+  Ah! wot precious rum things _words_ is, 'ow they seems to fog the
+          wise!
+  If they'd only come and look at _things_, that is with their hown
+          heyes,
+  And not filantropic barnacles _or_ goldian giglamps--lor!
+  Wot a lob of grabs and gushers might shut up their blessed jor!
+
+  The nobs who're down on workmen, 'cos on "knobsticks" _they_ will
+          frown,
+  Has a 'arty love for Libbaty--when keepin' wages down.
+  Contrack's a sacred 'oly thing, freedom carnt 'ave _that_ broke,
+  But Free Contrack wot's _forced_ on yer--wy, o'course, that sounds
+          a joke.
+
+  If they knowed us and our sort, gents, they would know Free
+          Contrack's fudge,
+  When one side ain't got a copper, 'as been six weeks on the trudge,
+  Or 'as built his little bizness up in one pertikler spot,
+  And if the rent's raised on 'im must turn hout, and starve or rot!
+
+  Coarse words, my lords and ladies! Well, yer may as well be dumb,
+  As talk pooty on the questions wot concerns hus in the Slum.
+  There ain't nothink pooty in 'em, and I cannot 'elp but think
+  Some of our friends 'as spiled our case by piling on the pink.
+
+  Foxes 'ave 'oles, the Book sez; well, no doubt they feels content,
+  For they finds, or makes, their 'ouses, and don't 'ave to pay no
+          rent;
+  But _our_ 'oles--well, someone builds 'em for us, such, in course
+          is kind,
+  But it ain't a bad investment, as them Landlords seems to find.
+
+  The Marquiges and Mother Church pick lots of little plums,
+  And the wust on 'em don't seem to be their proputty in slums.
+  Oh, I'd like to take a Bishop on the trot around our court,
+  And then arsk 'ow the Church spends the coin collected from our
+          sort.
+
+  Wot's the use of pictering 'errors? Let 'im put 'is 'oly nose
+  To the pain of close hinspection; lot his venerable toes
+  Pick a pathway through our gutter, let his gaiters climb our stairs;
+  And when 'e kneels that evening, I should like to 'ear 'is prayers!
+
+  I'm afraid that in Rats' Rents he mightn't find a place to kneel
+  Without soiling of his small clothes. Yus, to live in dirt, I feel
+  Is a 'orrid degradation; but one thing I'd like to know,
+  Is it wus than living _on_ it? Let 'im answer; it's his go.
+
+  "All a blowing" ain't much paternised, not down our Court, it ain't.
+  Wich we aren't as sweet as iersons, not yet as fresh as paint!
+  For yer don't get spicy breezes in a den all dirt and dusk,
+  From a 'apenny bunch o' wallflower, or a penny plarnt o' musk.
+
+  Wot do _you_ think? Bless yer 'earts, gents, I wos down some
+          months ago
+  With a bout o' the rheumatics, and 'ad got so precious low
+  I wos sent by some good ladies, wot acrost me chanced to come--
+  Bless their kindness!--to a 'evvin called a Convalescent 'Ome.
+
+  Phew! Wen I come back to Rats' Rents, 'ow I sickened of its smells,
+  Arter all them trees and 'ayfields, and them laylocks and
+          blue-bells,
+  And sometimes I think--pertikler when I'm nabbed by them old pains--
+  Wot a proper world it might be if it weren't for dirt and drains.
+
+  Who's to blame for Dirt? Yer washups, praps it ain't for me to say,
+  But--I don't think there'd be much of it if 'twasn't made to _pay_!
+  _Who_ does it pay? The Renters or the Rented? I've no doubt
+  When you spot _who_ cops the Slum-swag--wy, yer won't be so fur out!
+
+[Footnote 1: _Landlordism_, by HENRY LAZARUS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WRIGHT AND WRONG.
+
+"We are getting on by leaps and bounds," remarked Mr. WILDEY WEIGHT,
+during a recent case. Whereat there was "laughter." But Mr. HORACE
+BROWNE, for Plaintiff, "objected to remarks of this kind." Then Mr.
+Justice COLLINS begged Mr. W. WRIGHT "not to make such picturesque
+interjections." Later on, Mr. HORACE BROWNE said to a Witness (whose
+name, "BURBAGE," ought to have elicited from Judge or Counsel some
+apposite Shakspearian allusion--but it didn't), "Then you had him on
+toast." This also was received with "laughter." But Mr. WILDEY WRIGHT
+did not object to this. No! he let it pass without interruption,
+implying by his eloquent silence that such a remark was neither a
+"picturesque interjection," nor sufficiently humorous for him to take
+objection to it. The other day, in a County Court, a Barrister refused
+to go on with a case until the Judge had done smiling! But--"This is
+another story."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD GRACE-IOUS!
+
+  Two out of three, my GRACE! That sounds a drubber.
+  No chance for England now to "win the rubber."
+  We deemed you romping in, that second Cable;
+  But your team didn't. Fact is, 'twasn't ABEL
+  (Though ABEL in himself was quite a team).
+  Well, well, your SHEFFIELD blades met quite the cream
+  Of Cornstalk Cricketers. Cheer up, cut in!
+  And when March comes, make that Third Match a Win!
+  We're sure that while you hold the Captain's place,
+  Your men will win or lose with a good GRACE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTED TITLE FOR AN ACCOUNT OF A GORGEOUS BALLET OF UGLY
+GIRLS.--The Story of the Glittering Plain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "STRAY SHEEP."
+
+(_As illustrated by Mr. Chamberlain in his Speech in the House on
+Thursday, February 11._)
+
+  "THOSE SHEEP WHO NEVER HEARD THEIR SHEPHERD'S VOICE;
+  WHO DID NOT KNOW, YET WOULD NOT LEARN THEIR WAY;
+  WHO STRAYED THEMSELVES, YET GRIEVED THAT I SHOULD STRAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERFECTLY PLAIN.
+
+_Young Wife._ "OH, I'M SO HAPPY! HOW IS IT YOU'VE NEVER MARRIED, MISS
+PRYMME?"
+
+_Miss Prymme._ "MY DEAR, I NEVER HAVE ACCEPTED--AND NEVER WOULD
+ACCEPT--ANY OFFER OF MARRIAGE!"
+
+[_And then her Questioner began softly playing the old Air, "Nobody
+axed you."_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO SHEPHERDS.
+
+    [Mr. JOHN MORLEY was, on Feb. 6, at Newcastle-on-Tyne,
+    initiated a Hon. Member of the Loyal Order of Ancient
+    Shepherds, and afterwards, in a speech in the People's
+    Palace, sharply criticised Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's plan for Old
+    Age Pensions, expressing his preference for "more modest
+    operations" in the direction of relaxing and enlarging the
+    provisions of the Poor Law.]
+
+_To the Tune of Burns's "The Twa Herds."_
+
+  O, all ye poor and aged flocks,
+  Dealt with in fashion orthodox
+  By Bumble bodies hard as rocks,
+            And stern as tykes;
+  And treated like mere waifs and crooks,
+            Or herded Smikes!
+
+  Two brother Shepherds, as men thought,
+  Have somehow fallen out and fought,
+  Though each your welfare swore he sought;
+            Flock-herding elves,
+  What can this bickering have brought
+            Between themselves?
+
+  O, earnest JOHN and jocund JOE,
+  How could two Shepherds shindy so.
+  Old Light and New Light, _con._ and _pro_?
+            Now dash my buttons!
+  A squabbling pastor is a foe
+            To all poor muttons.
+
+  O Sirs, whoe'er would have expected
+  That crook and pipe you'd have neglected,
+  By foolish love of fight infected
+            Concerning food?
+  As though the sheep would have rejected
+            Aught that is good!
+
+  What herd like JOSEPH could prevail?
+  His voice was heard o'er hill and dale;
+  He knew each sheep from head to tail
+            In vale or height,
+  And told whether 'twas sick or hale
+            At the first sight.
+
+  But JOE had a new-fangled plan
+  For feeding ancient sheep. The man
+  Posed as a true Arcadian,
+            With a great gift
+  For zeal humanitarian,
+            Combined with thrift.
+
+  But JOHN replied, "Pooh-pooh! Your scheme
+  Is but an optimistic dream,
+  Whose 'shadowy incentives' seem
+            The merest spooks.
+  Better the ancient plans, I deem,
+            Food, folds, and crooks.
+
+  "You do not grapple with the case
+  Of poorest sheep, a numerous race.
+  As to the black ones, with what face
+            Claim care for such?
+  'Tis hungry old sheep of good race
+            _My_ feelings touch.
+
+  "Your scheme will cost no end--and fail.
+  No sheep who ever twitched a tail
+  So foolish is--I would not rail!--
+            As _such_ a 'herd.'
+  I'd 'modest operations' hail,
+            But yours?--absurd!
+
+  "Better reform, relax, extend
+  The old provisions. I commend
+  Plenty of food, and care no end,
+            For all poor sheep;
+  But flocks would not _get_ poor, my friend,
+            _Had they good keep!_"
+
+  Fancy how JOE would cock a nose
+  At "Cockney JOHN," as certain foes
+  Called JOSEPH's rival. Words like those
+            Part Shepherd swains.
+  Sad when crook-wielders meet as foes
+            On pastoral plains!
+
+  Such two! O, do I live to see
+  Such famous pastors disagree,
+  Calling each other--woe is me!--
+            Bad names by turns?
+  Shall we not say in diction free
+            With BOBBIE BURNS?
+
+  "O! a' ye flocks, owre a' the hills
+  By mosses, meadows, moors and fells.
+  Come join your counsels and your skills
+            To cowe the lairds.
+  And get the brutes the power themsels
+            _To choose their herds!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AND A GOOD JUDGE, TOO!"
+
+  There is a good Justice named GRANTHAM,
+  Who tells lawyers truths that should haunt 'em.
+      There are seeds of reform
+      In his speech, wise as warm,
+  And long may he flourish--to plant 'em!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGE BUT TRUE.--When does a Husband find his Wife out? When he
+finds her at home and she doesn't expect him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XXVI.
+
+    SCENE--_On the Lagoons. CULCHARD and PODBURY's gondola is
+    nearing Venice. The apricot-tinted diaper on the facade of
+    the Ducal Palace is already distinguishable, and behind its
+    battlements the pearl-grey summits of the domes of St. Mark's
+    shimmer in the warm air. CULCHARD and PODBURY have hardly
+    exchanged a sentence as yet. The former has just left off
+    lugubriously whistling as much as he can remember of "Che
+    faro," the latter is still humming "The Dead March in Saul,"
+    although in a livelier manner than at first._
+
+_Culch._ Well, my dear PODBURY, our--er--expedition has turned out
+rather disastrously!
+
+_Podb._ (_suspending the Dead March, chokily_). Not much mistake about
+_that_--but there, it's no good talking about it. Jolly that brown and
+yellow sail looks on the fruit-barge there. See?
+
+[Illustration: "Reads with a gradually lengthening countenance."]
+
+_Culch._ (_sardonically_). Isn't it a little late in the day to be
+cultivating an eye for colour? I was about to say that those two
+girls have treated us infamously. I say deliberately, my dear PODBURY,
+_infamously_!
+
+_Podb._ Now drop it, CULCHARD, do you hear? I won't hear a word
+against either of them. It serves us jolly well right for not knowing
+our own minds better--though I no more dreamed that old BOB would--Oh,
+hang it, I can't talk about it yet!
+
+_Culch._ That's childishness, my dear fellow; you _ought_ to talk
+about it--it will do you good. And really, I'm not at all sure, after
+all, that we have not both of us had a fortunate escape. One is very
+apt to--er--overrate the fascinations of persons one meets abroad.
+Now, neither of those two was _quite_--
+
+_Podb._ (_desperately_). Take care! I swear I'll pitch you out of this
+gondola, unless you stop that jabber!
+
+_Culch._ (_with wounded dignity_). I am willing to make great
+allowances for your state of mind, PODBURY, but such an expression
+as--as _jabber_, applied to my--er--well-meant attempts
+at consolation, and just as I was about to propose an
+arrangement--really, it's _too_ much! The moment we reach the hotel,
+I will relieve you from any further infliction from (_bitterly_) what
+you are pleased to call my "jabber!"
+
+_Podb._ (_sulkily_). Very well--'m sure _I_ don't care! (_To
+himself._) Even old CULCHARD won't have anything to do with me now! I
+must have _somebody_ to talk to--or I shall go off my head! (_Aloud_).
+I say, old _chap_! (_No answer_.) Look here--it's bad enough as it is
+without _our_ having a row! Never mind anything I said.
+
+_Culch._ I _do_ mind--I _must_. I am not accustomed to hear myself
+called a--a _jabberer_!
+
+_Podb._ I _didn't_ call you a jabberer--I only said you _talked_
+jabber. I--I hardly know what I _do_ say, when I'm like this. And I'm
+deuced sorry I spoke--there!
+
+_Culch._ (_relaxing_). Well, do you withdraw jabber?
+
+_Podb._ Certainly, old chap. I _like_ you to talk, only not--not
+against Her, you know! What were you going to propose?
+
+_Culch._ Well, my idea was this. My leave is practically unlimited--at
+least, without vanity, I think I may say that my Chief sufficiently
+appreciates my services not to make a fuss about a few extra days. So
+I thought I'd just run down to Florence and Naples, and perhaps catch
+a P. & O. at Brindisi. I suppose _you're_ not tied to time in any way?
+
+_Podb._ (_dolefully_). Free as a bird! If the Governor had wanted me
+back in the City, he'd have let me know it. Well?
+
+_Culch._ Well, if you like to come with me, I--I shall be very pleased
+to have your company.
+
+_Podb._ (_considering_). I don't care if I do--it may cheer me up a
+bit. Florence, eh?--and Naples? I shouldn't mind a look at Florence.
+Or Rome. How about Rome, now?
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). Was I wise to expose myself to this sort of
+thing _again_? I'm almost sorry I-- (_Aloud._) My dear fellow, if
+we are to travel together in any sort of comfort, you must leave all
+details to _me_. And there's one thing I _do_ insist on. In future we
+must keep to our original resolution--not to be drawn into any chance
+acquaintanceship. I don't want to reproach you, but if, when we were
+first at Brussels, you had not allowed yourself to get so intimate
+with the TROTTERS, all this would never--
+
+_Podb._ (_exasperated_). There you go again! I can't stand being jawed
+at, CULCHARD, and I won't!
+
+_Culch._ I am no more conscious of "jawing" than "jabbering," and if
+_that_ is how I am to be spoken to--!
+
+_Podb._ I know. Look here, it's no use. You must go to Florence by
+yourself. I simply don't feel up to it, and that's the truth. I shall
+just potter about here, till--till _they_ go.
+
+_Culch._ As you choose. I gave you the opportunity--out of kindness.
+If you prefer to make yourself ridiculous by hanging about here, it's
+no concern of mine. I daresay I shall enjoy Florence at least as well
+by myself.
+
+    [_He sulks until they arrive at the Hotel Dandolo, where they
+    are received on the steps by the Porter._
+
+_Porter_. Goot afternoon, Schendlemen. You have a bleasant dimes at
+Torcello, yes? Ach! you haf gif your gondoliers vifdeen franc? Zey
+schvindle you, oal ze gondoliers alvays schvindles eferypody, yes!
+Zere is som ledders for you. I vetch zem. [_He bustles away._
+
+_Mr. Bellerby_ (_suddenly emerging from a recess in the entrance, as
+he recognises CULCHARD_). Why bless me, there's a face I know! Met
+at Lugano, didn't we? To be sure--very pleasant chat we had too! So
+you're at Venice, eh? I know every stone of it by heart, as I needn't
+say. The first time I was ever at Venice--
+
+_Culch._ (_taking a bulky envelope from the Porter_). Just so--how are
+you? Er--will you excuse me?
+
+    [_He opens the envelope and finds a blue official-looking
+    enclosure, which he reads with a gradually lengthening
+    countenance._
+
+_Mr. B._ (_as CULCHARD thrusts the letter angrily into his pocket_).
+You're new to Venice, I think? Well, just let me give you a word of
+advice. Now you _are_ here--you make them give you some tunny. Insist
+on it, Sir. Why, when I was here first--
+
+_Culch._ (_impatiently_). I know. I mean, you told me that before. And
+I _have_ tasted tunny.
+
+_Mr. B._ Ha! well, what did you think of it? _Delicious_, eh?
+
+_Culch._ (_forgetting all his manners_). Beastly, Sir, _beastly!
+[Leaves the scandalised Mr. B. abruptly, and rushes off to get a
+telegram form at the bureau._
+
+_Mr. Crawley Strutt_ (_pouncing on PODBURY in the hall, as he
+finishes the perusal of his letter_). Excuse me--but surely I have
+the honour of addressing Lord GEORGE GUMBLETON? You may perhaps just
+recollect, my Lord--?
+
+_Podb._ (_blankly_). Think you've made a mistake, really.
+
+_Mr. C.S._ Is it possible! I have come across so many people while
+I've been away that--but surely we have met _somewhere_? Why, of
+course, Sir JOHN JUBBER! you must pardon me, SIR JOHN--
+
+_Podb._ (_recognizing him_). My name's PODBURY--plain PODBURY, but
+you're quite right. You _have_ met me--and you've met my bootmaker
+too. "Lord UPPERSOLE," eh? That's where the mistake came in!
+
+_Mr. C.S._ (_with hauteur_). I think not, Sir; I have no recollection
+of the circumstance. I see now your face is quite unfamiliar to me.
+
+    [_He moves away; PODBURY gets a telegram form and sits down
+    at a table in the hall opposite CULCHARD._
+
+_Culch._ (_reading over his telegram_). "Yours just received. Am
+returning immediately."
+
+_Podb._ (_do., do._). "Letter to hand. No end sorry. Start at once."
+(_Seeing CULCHARD._) Wiring to Florence for room, eh?
+
+_Culch._ Er--no. The fact is, I've just heard from my Chief--a--a
+most intemperate communication, insisting on my instant return to my
+duties! I shall have to humour him, I suppose, and leave at once.
+
+_Podb._ So shall I. No end of a shirty letter from the Governor. Wants
+to know how much longer I expect him to be tied to the office. Old
+humbug, when he only turns up twice a week for a couple of hours!
+
+_The Porter_. Peg your bardons, Schendlemen, but if you haf qvide done
+vid ze schtamps on your ledders, I gollect bostage schtamps, yes.
+
+_Culch._ (_irritably flinging him the envelope_). Oh, confound it all.
+take them. _I_ don't want them! (_He looks at his letter once more._)
+I say, PODBURY, it--it's worse than I thought. This thing's a week
+old! Must have been lying in my rooms all this time--or else in that
+infernal Italian post!
+
+_Podb._ Whew, old chap! I say, I wouldn't be _you_ for something!
+Won't you catch it when you _do_ turn up? But look here--as things
+are, we may as well travel _home_ together, eh?
+
+_Culch._ (_with a flicker of resentment_). In spite of my tendency to
+"jaw" and "jabber"?
+
+_Podb._ Oh, never mind all that now. We're companions in misfortune,
+you know, and we'd better stick together, and keep each other's
+spirits up. After all, you're in a much worse hat than _I_ am!
+
+_Culch._ If _that's_ the way you propose to keep my spirits up!--But
+let us keep together, by all means, if you wish it, and just go and
+find out when the next train starts, will you? (_To himself, as
+PODBURY departs._) I must put up with him a little longer, I suppose.
+Ah me! _How_ differently I should be feeling now, if HYPATIA had only
+been true to herself. But that's all over, and I daresay it's better
+so ... I daresay!
+
+    [_He strolls into the hotel-garden, and begins to read his
+    Chief's missive once more, in the hope of deciphering some
+    faint encouragement between the lines._
+
+FINIS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TENNYSONIAN FRAGMENT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  So in the village inn the Poet dwelt.
+  His honey-dew was gone; only the pouch,
+  His cousin's work, her empty labour, left.
+  But still he sniffed it, still a fragrance clung
+  And lingered all about the broidered flowers.
+  Then came his landlord, saying in broad Scotch,
+  "Smoke plug, mon," whom he looked at doubtfully.
+  Then came the grocer, saying, "Hae some twist
+  At tippence," whom he answered with a qualm.
+  But when they left him to himself again,
+  Twist, like a fiend's breath from a distant room
+  Diffusing through the passage, crept; the smell
+  Deepening had power upon him, and he mixt
+  His fancies with the billow-lifted bay
+  Of Biscay, and the rollings of a ship.
+
+  And on that night he made a little song,
+  And called his song "_The Song of Twist and Plug_,"
+  And sang it: scarcely could he make or sing.
+
+  "Rank is black plug, though smoked in wind and rain;
+  And rank is twist, which gives no end of pain;
+  I know not which is ranker, no, not I.
+
+  "Plug, art thou rank? Then milder twist must be;
+  Plug, thou art milder; rank is twist to me.
+  O Twist, if plug be milder, let me buy.
+
+  "Rank twist, that seems to make me fade away,
+  Rank plug, that navvies smoke in loveless clay,
+  I know not which is ranker, no, not I.
+
+  "I fain would purchase flake, if that could be;
+  I needs must purchase plug, ah woe is me!
+  Plug and a cutty, a cutty, let me buy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMPLICATED CASE.--The other day, an Italian Organ-grinder was
+arrested for having shot one GIUSEPPE PIA. "He admitted the charge"
+(we quote the _Globe_), "but said the gun went off accidentally."
+When a Gentleman "admits the charge" (though indeed it was the other
+one who did _that_), how the gun went off seems to be a matter of
+secondary importance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NAME AND THE THING.--A vote of thanks to Sir CHARLES RUSSELL,
+after his address to the Liberal and Radical Association, was earned
+by a Wapping Majority.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LATTERDAY VALENTINE.
+
+(LEAP YEAR: NEW STYLE.)
+
+(_FROM MISS ANASTASIA JAY, NEW YORK, TO THOMAS, EARL OF DUNBROWNE,
+LONDON._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Valentines plebeian
+    Cannot fix an Earl--
+  I'm as you may see, an
+    Ardent Yankee girl.
+  Nothing "soft" you'll find here,
+    No old-fashioned lay;
+  Say then, you'll be mine, dear,
+    In the modern way.
+
+  _You_ (we haven't met as
+    Yet I must record)
+  Figure in _Debrett_ as
+    Out-and-out a Lord:
+  Ancestors, a thousand,
+    Dignities, a score--
+  Hear my bashful vows, and
+    Think this matter o'er.
+
+  I don't in for Pa go;
+    Pa despised New York;
+  Porpa in Chicago
+    Cultivated pork:
+  Ma was born a Gerald;
+    Birth was Morma's pride--
+  As the _New York Herald_
+    Mentioned when she died.
+
+  Well, my pile's a million,
+    That's a fact, you bet:
+  I'm in our cotillon
+    Quite the Broadway Pet:
+  I can sing like PATTI;
+    And to win I went
+  For the Cincinnati
+    Tennis Tournament.
+
+  I've a lovely right hand;
+    For my face I've sat
+  By electric light--and
+    Elegant at that!
+  I enclose the photo,
+    Just for you to see,
+  But deny _in toto_
+    That it flatters me.
+
+  _You_, I've read, are rather
+    "Up the Spout" for cash,
+  Owing to your father
+    Having been so splash:
+  _I_ from debt could free you,
+    And in Politics
+  Calculate to see you
+    Bagging all the tricks.
+
+  Any Earl who marries
+    ANASTASIA JAY
+  Will (except in Paris)
+    Get his little way,
+  Fear no interference;
+    Relatives remain,--
+  But their disappearance
+    Beats me to explain.
+
+  THOMAS, I adore thee!--
+    "THOMAS" _is_ thy name,
+  Isn't it?--the more the
+    Scandal and the shame!
+  All I ask you, TOM, is
+    Just one loving line,
+  One type-written promise
+    Publishing you mine.
+
+  Matrimony's heart is
+    Houselike, "half-detached,"
+  Seldom save at parties
+    Or in papers matched--
+  Answer "Yes," or break'll
+    This poor heart of mine.
+  Be my _Fin-de-Siecle_,
+    Be my Valentine!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY BY A DEPRESSED CONVALESCENT.--"This Influenza is nothing new,
+nor is the Microbe. Wasn't MICROBIUS an ancient classic writer? Didn't
+he treat this subject historically? There's evidently some confusion
+of ideas somewhere. As _Hamlet_ says:--
+
+            'O, cursed spite
+  That ever I was born to set it right.'
+
+But I beg pardon, that 'set it right' shows that _Hamlet_ was a
+Surgeon, not a Physician. Excuse me. 'To bed! To bed!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAD THOUGHT IN MY OWN LIBRARY.--I am a stranger among books. Resting
+on their shelves, they all turn their backs on me. _En revanche_, if I
+find among them a new one, a perfect stranger to me, I cut him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE HOSPITALITY.
+
+(_Sir Bonamy Croesus gives seven Dinner Parties a week, and expects
+his Friends to come and choose their own day, and inscribe their Names
+and the Date on the Dinner-Book in the Hall_.)
+
+_Fair Visitor_. "Look, George! Wednesday, the 17th, the Fetterbys
+are coming. That'll do capitally!" (_Writes down "Mr. and Mrs. Topham
+Sawyer, Feb. 17th."_) "And There's room for one more. Let's drive
+round to Emily's, and get her to come and put her Name down for the
+same Day!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 8_.--The coming of Prince ARTHUR
+anxiously looked for as Members gathered for last Session of a
+memorable Parliament. When, in August last, he, with the rest of us,
+went away, OLD MORALITY still sat in Leader's place. He was, truly,
+just then absent in the flesh, already wasting with the dire disease
+that carried him off. It was JOKIM who occupied the place of Leader;
+Prince ARTHUR, content to sit lower down. It seemed to some that when
+vacancy occurred JOKIM, that veteran Child of Promise, would step in,
+and younger men wait their turn. But youth of certain quality must
+come to the front, as BONAPARTE testified even before he went to
+Italy, and as PITT showed when the Rockingham Administration went to
+pieces.
+
+Prince ARTHUR came in shortly after four o'clock. House full,
+especially on Opposition Benches; faint blush suffused ingenuous cheek
+as welcoming cheer arose. Seemed to know his way to Leader's place,
+and took it naturally. Pretty to see JOKIM drop in on one side of
+him with MATTHEWS on the other, buttressing him about with financial
+reputation and legal erudition. _Tableau_ quite undesigned, but none
+the less effective. Prince ARTHUR, young, hot-tempered and, though not
+without parts, prone to commit errors of judgment. But with JOKIM at
+his left shoulder, and HENRY MATTHEWS at his right, humble citizens
+looking on from opposite Benches, felt a sweet content. On such a
+basis, the Constitution might stand any blast.
+
+In absence of Mr. G., who still dallies with the sunshine of Riviera,
+SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, fresh from hunting in the New Forest, more than
+fills the place of Leader of Opposition. A favourable opportunity for
+distinguishing himself marred by accidental prevalence of funereal
+associations.
+
+"The Squire," said PLUNKET--watching him as, with legs reverently
+crossed, and elbow sympathisingly resting on box, carefully
+suggestive of life-sized figure of tombstone-mourner, he intoned his
+lamentation--"is not fitted for the part, and consequently overdoes
+it. _L'Allegro_ is his line. _Il Penseroso_ does not suit him."
+
+Everyone glad when, sermon over, and the black-edged folios put aside,
+the Squire began business. Happy enough in his attack on JOKIM, always
+a telling subject in present House of Commons.
+
+"He is," says SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, drawing upon his theatrical
+experiences, "like the Policeman in the Pantomime; always safe for a
+roar of laughter if you bonnet him or trip him up over the doorstep."
+
+For the rest, as Prince ARTHUR pointed out when he came to reply,
+Squire's speech had very little to do with the Address, on which
+it was ostensibly based. Couldn't resist temptation of enlarging on
+financial science for the edification of the unhappy JOKIM.
+
+"Finance," observed DICKY TEMPLE, "is HARCOURT's foible."
+
+"Yes," said JENNINGS, whom everyone is glad to see back in better
+health, "and funeral sermons are his forte."
+
+Through nearly hour and half the Squire mourned and jibed, Prince
+ARTHUR listening attentively, all unconscious of the Shades hovering
+about the historic seat in which he lounged, as nearly as possible,
+at full length--OLD MORALITY, kindly generous, pleased in another's
+prosperity; STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, marvelling at the madness of a world
+he has not been loth to quit; DIZZY tickled with the whole situation,
+though perhaps a little shocked to see a Leader of the House resting
+apparently on his shoulder-blades in the seat where from 1874 to
+1876 there posed an upright statuesque figure with folded arms and
+mask-like face, lit up now and then by the gleam of eyes that saw
+everything whilst they seemed to be looking no whither. PAM was there,
+too, with slightly raised eyebrows as they fell on the youthful form
+already installed in a place he had not reached till he was almost
+twice the age of the newcomer. JOHNNY RUSSELL, scowled at the intruder
+under a hat a-size-and-half too big for his legs. CANNING looked on,
+and thought of his brief tenure of the same place whilst the
+century was young. Still further in the shade PITT joined the group.
+[Illustration: "THE COMING OF ARTHUR."
+
+Shade of Pam. "H'M! A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THE PART,--DON'T YOU THINK?"
+
+Shade of Dizzy. "WELL, YES! _WE_ HAD TO WAIT FOR IT A GOOD MANY
+YEARS!--BUT I THINK HE'LL DO!!"]
+
+"Well at least _he_ was even younger when he came to our place," PAM
+whispered in DIZZY's ear, startling him as he inadvertently touched
+his cheek with the straw he still seems to hold in his teeth, as he
+did when JOHN LEECH was alive.
+
+Prince ARTHUR, facing the crowded Opposition Benches, of course saw
+nothing of this; lounged and listened smilingly as the Squire, having
+shaken up JOKIM and his one-pound notes, went oft to Exeter to pummel
+the MARKISS.
+
+_Business done._--Address moved.
+
+_Wednesday._--Evidently going to be an Agricultural Labourer's
+Session. Small Holdings Bill put in forefront of Programme. District
+Councils hinted at. In this situation it was stroke of genius, due I
+believe to the MARKISS, that such happy selection was made of Mover of
+Address.
+
+"It's trifles that make up the mass, my dear nephew," the MARKISS
+said, when this matter was being discussed in the Recess. "No detail
+is so small that we can afford to omit it. It was a happy thought of
+yours, perhaps a little too subtle for some intellects, to associate
+CHAPLIN with Small Holdings. In this other matter, let me have my way.
+Put up HODGE to move the Address. It will be worth 10,000 votes in the
+agricultural districts. I suppose he wouldn't like to come down in
+a smock frock with a whip in his hand? Don't know why he shouldn't;
+quite as reasonable as a civilian getting himself up as a Colonel or
+an Admiral. With HODGE in a smock frock moving the Address we'd sweep
+the country. But that I must leave to you; only let us have HODGE."
+
+So it was arranged. But Member for Accrington wouldn't stand the
+smock-frock. Insisted upon coming out in war-like uniform. Trousers
+a little tight about the knees, and jacket perhaps a trifle too
+tasselly. But made very good speech in the circumstances.
+
+[Illustration: Orator Hodge (in mufti).]
+
+_Business done._--Bills brought in by the half hundred.
+
+_Thursday Night._--Things been rather dull hitherto. House as it were
+lying under a pall, "Every man," as O'HANLON says, "not knowing what
+moment may be his next." Still on Debate on Address. When resumed
+to-night, CHAMBERLAIN stepped into ring and took off his coat. When
+Members saw the faithful JESSE bring in sponge and vinegar-bottle,
+knew there would be some sport. Anticipation not disappointed. JOE in
+fine fighting form. Went for the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD round after round;
+occasionally turned to aim a "wonner" at his "Right Hon. Friend" JOHN
+MORELY. Conservatives delighted; had always thought just what JOE
+was saying, but hadn't managed to put their ideas into such easily
+fleeting, barbed sentences. Only once was there any shade on the faces
+of the country gentlemen opposite. That spread when JOE proposed to
+quote the "lines of CHURCHILL."
+
+"No, no," said Lord HENRY BRUCE in audible whisper, "he'd better leave
+GRANDOLPH alone. Never knew he wrote poetry. If he did, there's lots
+of others. Why, when we're going on so nicely, why drag in CHURCHILL?"
+
+Depression only momentary. Conservative cheers rose again and again as
+JOE, turning a mocking face, and shaking a minatory forefinger at the
+passive monumental figure of the guileless SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, did,
+as JOHN MORLEY, with rare outburst of anger, presently said, from his
+place in the centre of the Liberal Camp, "denounce and assail Liberal
+principles, Liberal measures, and his old Liberal colleagues."
+
+After this it was nothing that, some hours later, O'HANLON, rising
+from a Back Bench, and speaking on another turn of the Debate, should
+observe, in loud voice, with eye fixed in fine frenzy on the nape of
+the Squire's neck, as he sat on the Front Bench with folded arms, "I
+do not believe in the Opposition Leaders, who have split up my Party,
+and are now living on its blood."
+
+_Business done._--JOSEPH turns and rends his Brethren.
+
+_Friday Night._--In Commons night wasted by re-delivery of speeches
+made last year by Irish Members pleading for amnesty for Dynamitards.
+JOHN REDMOND began it. No Irish Member could afford to be off on
+this scene, so one after another they trotted out their speeches of
+yester-year.
+
+Lords much more usefully occupied in discussing London Fog. MIDDLETON
+moved for Royal Commission. MARKISS drew fine distinction. "What
+you really want to remedy," he said, "is not the fog itself, but
+its colour." Rather seemed to like the fog, _per se_, if only his
+particular fancy in matter of colour gratified. Didn't mention what
+colour he preferred; but fresh difficulty looming out of the fog
+evident. Tastes differ. If every man is to have his own particular
+coloured fog, our last state will be worse than the first.
+
+_Business done._--None.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INFLUENZA SONG.
+
+AIR--"_OH, WE'RE ALL NODDIN'._"
+
+      Oh, we've none coddlin',
+        Cod, cod, coddlin';
+      Oh, we've none coddlin'.
+        At our house at home!
+
+  Ha!--my Father has a cough--
+    Now--my Mother has a wheeze;
+  What!! my Brother has a pain
+    In forehead, arms, chest, back and knees.
+        So--we've three coddlin', &c.
+
+  How my eldest Sister aches
+    From her forehead to her toes!
+  And my second Brother's eyes
+    Are weeping either side his nose.
+        So--we've five coddlin', &c.
+
+  There's my eldest Brother down
+    With a pain all round his head,
+  Ah! I'm the only one who's up--
+    Oh!... Oh!... I'll go to bed!
+        So--we're all coddlin', &c.
+
+  As the Doctor orders Port,
+    Orders Burgundy, Champagne,
+  Good living and good drinking,
+    Why we none of us complain,
+        While we're--all coddlin',
+          Cod, cod, coddlin',
+        While we're all coddlin'
+          At our house at home!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A SMALL WESTERN.--Orientals take off their shoes on entering a
+Mosque. We remove our hats on entering a Church. Both symbolical; one
+leaves his understanding outside; the other enters with a clear head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HORACE IN LONDON.
+
+TO THE COUNTY COUNCIL. (_AD REMPUBLICAM._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  New vessel, now returning ship
+  From this thy tried and trial trip,
+    Refit in dock awhile: I fear
+    Your ballast looks a trifle queer.
+
+  Your rigging ("rigging" is a word
+  By other folk than seamen heard)
+    Has got a little loose; you need
+    An overhaul, you do indeed.
+
+  Your sails (or purchases?) should stay
+  The stress--and Press--that on them weigh:
+    This constant playing to the gods
+    Will scarcely weather blustering odds.
+
+  In vain to blazon "London's Heart"
+  As figure-head, if thus you part
+    Unseaworthy; in vain to boast
+    Your "boom"--a cranky boom at most.
+
+  We rate you, _we_ who pay your rates:
+  Beware the overhauling fates,
+    Beware lest down you go at last
+    The sport and puppet of the blast.
+
+  I always voted you a bore,
+  But never quite so much before
+    Besought you with a frugal mind
+    To sail not quite so near the wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. AGAIN.--To our excellent old lady, being convalescent, her
+niece was reading the news. She commenced about the County Council,
+the first item in the report being headed, "An Articulated Skeleton."
+"Ah!" interrupted the good lady, "murder will out! And where did they
+find the skeleton of the Articulated Clerk?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INCOMPLETE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+
+_Ethel_. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAMMA?"
+
+_Mamma_. "ETHEL, THERE ARE YOUR NEW GOLF THINGS JUST COME, THAT I
+ORDERED FOR YOU FROM EDINBORO, AND--ISN'T IT PROVOKING?--THEY'VE
+ACTUALLY FORGOTTEN _THE LINKS_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+PROFESSOR HUBERT HERKOMER has "dried his impressions," and given them
+to the public in a handsome volume brought out by MACMILLAN & CO. It
+is all interesting even to a non-artistic laic, for there is much "dry
+point" of general application in the Professor's lectures. Yet, amid
+all his learning and his light-hearted style, there is occasionally
+a strain of melancholy, as when he pictures himself to us as
+"etching and scratching on a bed of burr." Painful, very; likewise
+Dantesque,--infernally Dantesque. But there is another and a more
+cheerful view which the Baron prefers to take, and that is, the
+word-picture which the Professor gives us of his little room in his
+Bavarian home, where he says, "Under the seat by the table are my
+bottles"--ah! quite Rabelaisian this!--"with the mordants, and my
+dishes for the plates." Isn't this rare! "I should add, there is a
+stove near the door." O Sybarite! Doesn't this suggest the notion of a
+delightful little dinner _a deux_! With "the mordants,"--which is, of
+course, a generic name for sauces of varied piquancy,--and with his
+"dishes" artistically prepared and set before "the plates," as in due
+order they should be, he is as correct as he is original. A true _bon
+vivant_. The Baron highly commends the book, which only for the rare
+etchings it contains, is well worth the attention of every amateur of
+Art, and that he, the Baron, may, one of these days, dine with him,
+the Professor, is the sincere wish of his truly, and everybody else's
+truly,
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STUFF AND (NO) NONSENSE!"--"Begorra, 'tis an ill wind that blows
+nobody any good," said The O'GORMAN DIZER, when he heard that on
+account of the Influenza there was a Papal dispensation from fasting
+and abstinence throughout the United kingdom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE SEAT OF WISDOM.
+
+At a meeting of the Drury Lane Lodge of Freemasons, said the _Daily
+Telegraph_, "with all due solemnity was Mr. S.B. BANCROFT installed in
+the Chair of King SOLOMON." This, whether an easy chair or not, ought
+to be the seat of wisdom. Poor SOLOMON, the very much married man, was
+not, however, particularly wise in his latter days, but, of course,
+this chair was the one used by the Great Grand Master Mason before
+it was taken from under him, and he fell so heavily, "never to rise
+again." How fortunate for the Drury Lane Masons to have obtained this
+chair of SOLOMON's. No doubt it was one of his wise descendants,
+of whom there are not a few in the neighbourhood of Drury Lane, who
+consented to part with this treasure to the Masonic Lodgers. So here's
+King SOLOMON BUSY BANCROFT's good health! "Point, left, right! One,
+two, three!" (_They drink._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.
+
+THE CHANCERY JUDGES WILL BE EXPECTED TO TAKE THE INFANT SUITORS OUT
+FOR AN AIRING IN THE PARK. N.B.--AFTER 4 P.M.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUERY BY "PEN."--There was a "Pickwick Exam." invented by CALVERLEY
+the Inimitable. Why not a "Pendennis" or "Vanity Fair" Exam.? _A
+propos_, I would just ask one question of the Thackerayan student, and
+it is this:--There was one _Becky_ whom everybody knows, but there was
+another BECKY as good, as kind, as sympathetic, and as simple, as the
+first _Becky_ was bad, cruel, selfish, and cunning. Where is BECKY the
+Second to be found in W.M. THACKERAY's Works?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HER NOTE AND QUERY.--Mrs. R. was listening to a ghost-story. "After
+all," observed her nephew, "the question is, is it true? True, or not
+true 'there's the rub!'" "Ah! 'there's the rub!'" repeated our old
+friend, meditatively. "I wonder if that expression is the origin of
+the proverb, 'Truth is stranger than Friction?'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOCAL COLOUR.--"I should like to give all my creditors a dinner,"
+quoth the jovial and hospitable OWEN ORLROUND. "Where shall I have
+it?" "Well," replied his old friend JOE KOSUS, "have it at Duns
+Table."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY MEN.--"Hope springs eternal," and the motto for a probable
+Lord Mayor in the not very dim and distant future must be "_Knill
+desperandum_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOGS AND CATS--(CORRESPONDENCE.)--Sir,--A recent letter to the
+_Spectator_ mentions the case of a man who "barked like a dog in his
+sleep." The writer would like to know if anyone has ever had a similar
+experience. Well, Sir, I knew a whole family of BARKERS, but I never
+heard them bark. I knew three CATTS, sisters, who kept a shop, and
+came from Cheshire; yet they were very serious persons, and never
+grinned. Since this experience I have doubted the simile of the
+Cheshire specimen of the feline race being founded on fact.--Yours,
+&c.,
+
+CATO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WESTMINSTER WAXWORK SHOW FOR THE SESSION 1892.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.
+
+AFTER LUNCHEON THE "BEATING" IS A LITTLE WILD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEATHER REFORM.
+
+SIR,--Acquiescence in the state of the weather is no longer _comme
+il faut_. Bombarding the Empyrean is as little regarded as throwing
+stones at monkeys, that they may make reprisals with cocoa-nuts; yet
+the success of the rain-makers is very doubtful. Their premisses even
+are disallowed by many considerable authorities. The little experiment
+which I propose to submit to the meteorological officials is founded
+on a fact of universal experience, and, if successful, would be of
+immense utility. Every smoker must be aware that the force of the wind
+varies inversely as the number of matches. On an absolutely still day,
+with a heavy pall of fog over the streets, the striking of the last
+match to light a pipe is invariably accompanied by a breeze, just
+strong enough to extinguish the nascent flame. Now if two or three
+thousand men simultaneously struck a last match, the resulting wind
+would be of very respectable strength--anemometer could tell that.
+
+My proposal then, is this. When anticyclonic conditions next prevail,
+and the great smoke-cloud incubates its cletch of microbes, let some
+5,000 men, provided at the public expense with a pipe of tobacco and
+one match each, be stationed in the City, at every corner and along
+the streets, like the police on Lord Mayor's Day. At a given signal,
+say the firing of the Tower guns, each man strikes his match. Judging
+from the invariable result in my own case, this would be followed by
+5,000 puffs of wind of sufficient strength to extinguish the lights,
+or, better still, to give the 5,000 men some thirty seconds of intense
+anxiety, while the wind plays between their fingers and over their
+hands and round the bowls of their pipes. Multiplying the men by the
+seconds (5,000 x 30) you get approximately the amount of the wind, in
+wear and tare and tret. If this experiment were conducted on a duly
+extensive scale round London; say at Brixton, Kensington, Holloway and
+Stepney; there can be no doubt that a cyclone would be established,
+and the fog effectually dissipated. The cost would be slight, and the
+pipe of tobacco would afford a welcome treat to many a poor fellow out
+of work in these hard times.
+
+Yours obediently, PETER PPIPER.
+
+_The Cave, AEolian Road, S.W._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S CURE FOR THE HINFLUENZY.
+
+I hopes as I shall not be blamed for my hordacity in writin as I am
+writin, but it's reelly all the fault of my good-natred Amerrycan
+frend. He says as it's my bounden dooty to do so, if ony to prove the
+trooth of the old prowerb that tells us, "that Waiters rushes in where
+Docters fears to tread!" He's pleased to say as he has never bin in
+better helth than all larst Jennewerry at the Grand Hotel, and that he
+owes it all to my sage adwice.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Allers let Nater be your Dick Tater!" In depressin times like these
+here, keep the pot a bilin' so to speak; and stand firm to the three
+hesses, Soup, Shampane, and Sunlight.
+
+The Soup must be Thick Turtel, such as Natur purwides in this here
+cold seeson, not the Thin Turtel of Summer. The Shampane must be Rich
+Clicko, or the werry best Pummery, sitch as you can taste the ginerous
+grapes in, not the pore dry stuff as young Swells drinks, becoz
+they're told as how it's fashnabel; and the Sunlight can ginerally be
+got if you knows where to look for it. For instance now, in one of the
+cold foggy days of last month, my Amerrycan frend said to me, "What
+on airth, ROBERT, can a gentleman find to do on sitch a orful day
+as this?" So sez I, "Take a Cab to Wictoria Station, and go to the
+Cristel Pallis, wark about in the brillient sunshine as you will find
+there a waiting for you, for about two howers, not a moment longer,
+then cum strait back, and you shall find a lovly lunch."
+
+And off he went, a larfing to think how he would emuse himself when he
+came back by pitching into pore me. But it does so happen as Waiters
+ain't not quite so deaf as sum peeple thinks 'em, and I've offen 'erd
+peeple say, that amost always, if you sees the Sun a trying for to
+peep thro the fog, and see how we all gits on without him, a leetle
+way out of town, on an 'ill, you will see him a shining away like fun!
+
+Well, xacly at 2:30, in cums my frend, a grinnin away like the fablus
+Chesher Cat, and he says, says he, why Mr. ROBERT, you're a reglar
+conjurer! It was all xacly as you prosefied! I had two hours' glorious
+stroll in the Cristel Pallis Gardings in the lovly sunshine!
+
+Hin ten minutes' time he was seated at a purfekly luvly lunch, and a
+peggin away with sitch a happytight as princes mite enwy!
+
+In times like these, dine out reglar either two or three times a week,
+and drink generusly, but wisely, not too well, and on receiving the
+accustomed At, think of the ard times the pore Waiter has had to pass
+through lately, and dubble, or ewen tribbel the accustumd Fee. You'll
+never miss it, but, on the contrairy, will sleep all the sounder for
+it.
+
+Never read no accounts in Noosepapers of hillnesses and sich-like,
+and keep a few little sixpences in your ticket pocket; then if a pore
+woman arsks you if you have a penny to spare, say no, but praps this
+will do as well, and give her a sixpence, and then see her look of
+estonished rapcher, aye, and ewen share it to some small degree.
+
+Check a frown, and encouridge a smile, and the one will wanish away,
+and the other dewelope into a larf. Let your principle virtues be
+ginerosity and ope, and allers look on the brite side of ewerythink,
+as the Miller said to the Sweep.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HUMAN PARADOX.--The man who gives away his friends without losing
+them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+102, Feb. 20, 1892, by Various
+
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