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diff --git a/old/14277-8.txt b/old/14277-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..09534ce --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14277-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1736 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, +April 25, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 25, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #14277] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +April 25th, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite._) + +No. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_A Sitting-room cheerfully decorated in dark colours. Broad + doorway, hung with black crape, in the wall at back, leading to a back + Drawing-room, in which, above a sofa in black horsehair, hangs a + posthumous portrait of the late_ General GABLER. _On the piano is a + handsome pall. Through the glass panes of the back Drawing-room window + are seen a dead wall and a cemetery. Settees, sofas, chairs, &c., + handsomely upholstered in black bombazine, and studded with small round + nails. Bouquets of immortelles and dead grasses are lying everywhere + about._ + +_Enter_ Aunt JULIE (_a good-natured looking lady in a smart hat_). + +_Aunt J._ Well, I declare, if I believe GEORGE or HEDDA are up yet! +(_Enter_ GEORGE TESMAN, _humming, stout, careless, spectacled._) Ah, my +dear boy, I have called before breakfast to inquire how you and HEDDA are +after returning late last night from your long honeymoon. Oh, dear me, yes; +am I not your old Aunt, and are not these attentions usual in Norway? + +_George._ Good Lord, yes! My six months' honeymoon has been quite a little +travelling scholarship, eh? I have been examining archives. Think of +_that_! Look here, I'm going to write a book all about the domestic +interests of the Cave-dwellers during the Deluge. I'm a clever young +Norwegian man of letters, eh? + +_Aunt J._ Fancy your knowing about that too! Now, dear me, thank Heaven! + +_George._ Let me, as a dutiful Norwegian nephew, untie that smart, showy +hat of yours. (_Unties it, and pats her under the chin._) Well, to be sure, +you have got yourself really up,--fancy that! [_He puts hat on chair +close to table._ + +_Aunt J._ (_giggling_). It was for HEDDA'S sake--to go out walking with her +in. (HEDDA _approaches from the back-room; she is pallid, with cold, open, +steel-grey eyes; her hair is not very thick, but what there is of it is an +agreeable medium brown._) Ah, dear HEDDA! [_She attempts to cuddle +her._ + +_Hedda_ (_shrinking back_). Ugh, let me go, do! (_Looking at_ Aunt JULIE'S +_hat._) TESMAN, you must really tell the housemaid not to leave her old hat +about on the drawing-room chairs. Oh, is it _your_ hat? Sorry I spoke, I'm +sure! + +_Aunt J._ (_annoyed_). Good gracious, little Mrs. HEDDA; my nice new hat +that I bought to go out walking with _you_ in! + +_George_ (_patting her on the back_). Yes, HEDDA, she did, and the parasol +too! Fancy, Aunt JULIE always positively thinks of everything, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_coldly_). You hold _your_ tongue. Catch me going out walking with +your aunt! One doesn't _do_ such things. + +_George_ (_beaming_). Isn't she a charming woman? Such fascinating manners! +My goodness, eh? Fancy that! + +_Aunt J._ Ah, dear GEORGE, you ought indeed to be happy--but (_brings out a +flat package wrapped in newspaper_) look _here_, my dear boy! + +_George_ (_opens it_). What? my dear old morning shoes! my slippers! +(_Breaks down._) This is positively too touching, HEDDA, eh? Do you +remember how badly I wanted them all the honeymoon? Come and just have a +look at them--you _may_! + +_Hedda._ Bother your old slippers and your old aunt too! (Aunt JULIE _goes +out annoyed, followed by_ GEORGE, _still thanking her warmly for the +slippers_; HEDDA _yawns_; GEORGE _comes back and places his old slippers +reverently on the table._) Why, here comes Mrs. ELVSTED--_another_ early +caller! She had irritating hair, and went about making a sensation with +it--an old flame of yours, I've heard. + +_Enter Mrs._ ELVSTED; _she is pretty and gentle, with copious wavy +white-gold hair and round prominent eyes, and the manner of a frightened +rabbit._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_nervous_). Oh, please, I'm so perfectly in despair. EJLERT +LÖVBORG, you know, who was our Tutor; he's written such a large new book. I +inspired him. Oh, I know I don't look like it--but I did--he told me so. +And, good gracious, now he's in this dangerous wicked town all alone, and +he's a reformed character, and I'm _so_ frightened about him; so, as the +wife of a Sheriff twenty years older than me, I came up to look after Mr. +LÖVBORG. Do ask him here--then I can meet him. You will? How perfectly +lovely of you! My husband's _so_ fond of him! + +_Hedda._ GEORGE, go and write an invitation at once; do you hear? (GEORGE +_looks around for his slippers, takes them up and goes out._) Now we can +talk, my little THEA. Do you remember how I used to pull your hair when we +met on the stairs, and say I would scorch it off? Seeing people with +copious hair always _does_ irritate me. + +_Mrs. E._ Goodness, yes, you were always so playful and friendly, and I was +so afraid of you. I am still. And please, I've run away from my husband. +Everything around him was distasteful to me. And Mr. LÖVBORG and I were +comrades--he was dissipated, and I got a sort of power over him, and he +made a real person out of me--which I wasn't before, you know; but, oh, I +do hope I'm real now. He talked to me and taught me to think--chiefly of +him. So, when Mr. LÖVBORG came here, naturally I came too. There was +nothing else to do! And fancy, there is another woman whose shadow still +stands between him and me! She wanted to shoot him once, and so, of course, +he can never forget her. I wish I knew her name--perhaps it was that +red-haired opera-singer? + +_Hedda_ (_with cold self-command_). Very likely--but nobody does that sort +of thing here. Hush! Run away now. Here comes TESMAN with Judge BRACK. +(Mrs. E. _goes out_; GEORGE _comes in with_ Judge BRACK, _who is a short +and elastic gentleman, with a round face, carefully brushed hair, and +distinguished profile._) How awfully funny you do look by daylight, Judge! + +[Illustration: "I am a gay Norwegian dog."] + +_Brack_ (_holding his hat and dropping his eye-glass_). Sincerest thanks. +Still the same graceful manners, dear little Mrs. HED--TESMAN! I came to +invite dear TESMAN to a little bachelor-party to celebrate his return from +his long honeymoon. It is customary in Scandinavian society. It will be a +lively affair, for I am a gay Norwegian dog. + +_George._ Asked out--without my wife! Think of that! Eh? Oh, dear me, yes, +_I_'ll come! + +_Brack._ By the way, LÖVBORG is here; he has written a wonderful book, +which has made a quite extraordinary sensation. Bless me, yes! + +_George._ LÖVBORG--fancy! Well, I _am_--glad. Such marvellous gifts! And I +was so painfully certain he had gone to the bad. Fancy that, eh? But what +will become of him _now_, poor fellow, eh? I _am_ so anxious to know! + +_Brack._ Well, he may possibly put up for the Professorship against you, +and, though you _are_ an uncommonly clever man of letters--for a +Norwegian--it's not wholly improbable that he may cut you out! + +_George._ But, look here, good Lord, Judge BRACK!--(_gesticulating_)--that +would show an incredible want of consideration for me! I married on my +chance of _getting_ that Professorship. A man like LÖVBORG, too, who hasn't +even been respectable, eh? One doesn't do such things as that! + +_Brack._ Really? You forget we are all realistic and unconventional persons +here, and do all kinds of odd things. But don't worry yourself! [_He +goes out._ + +_George_ (_to Hedda_). Oh, I say, HEDDA, what's to become of our Fairyland +now, eh? We can't have a liveried servant, or give dinner-parties, or have +a horse for riding. Fancy that! + +_Hedda_ (_slowly, and wearily_). No, we shall really have to set up as +Fairies in reduced circumstances, now. + +_George_ (_cheering up_). Still, we shall see Aunt JULIE every day, and +_that_ will be something, and I've got back my old slippers. We shan't be +altogether without some amusements, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_crosses the floor_). Not while I have _one_ thing to amuse myself +with, at all events. + +_George_ (_beaming with joy_). Oh, Heaven be praised and thanked for that! +My goodness, so you have! And what may _that_ be, HEDDA, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_at the doorway, with suppressed scorn_). Yes, GEORGE, you have +the old slippers of the attentive Aunt, and I have the horse-pistols of the +deceased General! + +_George_ (_in an agony_). The pistols! Oh, my goodness! _what_ pistols? + +_Hedda_ (_with cold eyes_). General GABLER'S pistols--same which I +shot--(_recollecting herself_)--no, that's THACKERAY, not IBSEN--a _very_ +different person. [_She goes through the back Drawing-room._ + +_George_ (_at doorway, shouting after her_). Dearest HEDDA, _not_ those +dangerous things, eh? Why, they have never once been known to shoot +straight yet! Don't! Have a catapult. For _my_ sake, have a catapult! +[_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +Bow-Wow! + + The RAIKES' teeth were bared--a most terrible sight!-- + At the Messenger Companies. Now all seems joy + For the Public, the P.O., the Co., and the Boy! + The Dog in the Manger JOHN BULL did affright, + But--his bark is perhaps rather worse than his bite! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONS OF BRITANNIA; OR, THE UNITED SERVICE. + +[The Senior Admiral of the Fleet, SIR PROVO WILLIAM PARRY WALLIS, G.C.B., +who was in the action between the British Frigate _Shannon_ and the +American Frigate _Chesapeake_ on June 1st, 1813 (taking command of the +_Shannon_ after the disabling of Captain BROKE), celebrated the hundredth +anniversary of his birthday on April 12th, 1891. + +Lieutenant GRANT "displayed great bravery and judgment" (_Times_) in the +defence of Thobal against the Manipuris, April, 1891.]] + + * * * * * + +SONS OF BRITANNIA. + +1813--1891. + +_Britannia loquitur_:-- + + From Boston Bay to Thobal fort + Is a far cry, but bravery bridges + The centuries, and of space makes sport. + The shot that swept the salt sea-ridges + When VERE BROKE of the _Shannon_ smote + The foe, and, struck, left WALLIS smiting,-- + Sends echoes down the years that float + To Thobal o'er the sounds of fighting. + Memories of greatness make men great! + Brave centenarian, you with pleasure + May greet the youth who guard our State. + You, whose long memories can measure + So wide a sweep of England's war, + Must joy to see her served as boldly + As in those sad mad days afar, + When, gazing on her children coldly, + She alienated kindred hearts, + Which might till now have beaten loyal. + At least you both played well _your_ parts, + Though blunderers blind, official, royal, + May then or now have marred the work + Of arduous years, and gallant spirits, + My sons at least no peril shirk, + Valour from age to age inherits. + The old tradition, duteous stands + For the old Flag, wherever flying! + Brave WALLIS, gallant GRANT, clasp hands! + My sons! Unfaltering, undying, + Beneath grey hairs, or youth's brown locks, + The spirit proud of patriot valour! + Not desperate odds in war's wild shocks + Shall strike its flush to craven pallor. + Mud-fort, or "mealey" bastion, deck + Of shot-torn ship, or red "death-valley," + What odds? Of danger nought I reck, + Whilst thus my sons to me can rally. + Come what, come will! Whilst centuried age + And youth in Spring strike hands before me, + Let foemen band, let battle rage, + You'll keep my Flag still flying o'er me! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GENERAL IDEA" + +HITTING ON A NOVEL PLAN FOR OUR COAST DEFENCES.] + + * * * * * + +The Yankee Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel. + + Our people will not stand it--no! + Of Fiction, limp or strong, + Yanks want but little here below, + Nor want that little _long_! + (But oh! our (Saxon) stars one thanks, + Romance is _not_ (yet) ruled by Yanks!) + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +THE TAX-COLLECTOR'S HEART. + + I know his step, his ring, his knock, + I hear him, too, explain, + With emphasis my nerves that shock, + That he "won't call again!" + I know that bodes a coming storm-- + A summons looms a-head! + I follow his retreating form, + And note his stealthy tread! + Some grace to beg, implore, beseech, + 'Twere vain! Let him depart! + I know no human cry can reach + That Tax-Collector's heart! + + He kept his word. To claim that rate + He never called again. + An outraged Vestry, loth to wait, + Soon made their purpose plain. + I know not how, I missed the day,-- + But that fell summons came. + Two shillings costs it took to play + That Tax-Collector's game. + I own the outlay was not much! + But, _that_ is not the smart: + 'Tis that no anguished shriek can touch + That Tax-Collector's heart! + + * * * * * + +"MORS ET VITA."--A fine performance, April 15, at Albert Hall, with ALBANI, +HILDA WILSON, Messrs. LLOYD, and WATKIN MILLS, and Dr. MACKENZIE, as +conductor or con-doctor. I should have given, writes our correspondent, a +full and enthusiastic account of it, but that I was bothered all the time +by two persons near me, who would talk and wouldn't listen. Thank goodness, +they didn't stay throughout the performance. In a theatre they'd have been +hushed down, but this is such a big place that a talking duet is heard only +in the immediate neighbourhood of the talkers; and then no one wants to +have a row during the performance of sacred music. It's like brawling in +church. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +THE TITHES QUESTION.--I am the Vicar of a country Church in Wales; but +owing to the total failure of my last attempt to distrain on the stock of a +neighbouring farmer, on which occasion I was tossed over a hedge by an +infuriated cow, my family and myself are starving. I wish to know if I can +legally pawn the lectern, the ancient carved pulpit, and several rare old +sedilia in the Church? Or they would be exchanged for an immediate supply +of their value in groceries.--URGENT. + +ANNOYANCE FROM NEIGHBOUR.--I live in a quiet street, and my next-door +neighbour has suddenly converted his house into a Fried Fish Shop. Some of +his boxes protrude into my front garden. Have I the right of seizing them, +and eating contents, supposing them to be fit for human consumption? My +house is perpetually filled with the aroma of questionable herrings, and +very pronounced haddocks. I have asked, politely, for compensation, and +received only bad language. What should be my next step?--PERPLEXED. + +DEED OF GIFT.--Upon my eldest son's marriage I wish to make him a really +handsome money present. My idea is to hand over to him £100, on condition +that he repays me ten per cent, as long as I live, my age now being +forty-five. Then as to security. Had I better get a Bill of Sale on the +furniture, which he has just had given him by his wife's father for their +new house, or how can I most effectually bind him?--GENEROUS PARENT. + +HOLIDAY TRIP.--Would one of your readers inform me of a locality where I +can take my next summer's holiday of a month, for £3 10_s._, fare included? +It must be near the sea and high mountains, with a genial though bracing +climate. Good boating and bathing. Strictly honest lodging-house keepers +and romantic surroundings indispensable.--EASY TO PLEASE. + + * * * * * + +COMING DRESS. + +(_Sweet Seventeen to the would-be Sumptuary Reformers at the Kensington +Town Hall._) + + Vainly on Fashion you make war, + With querulous Book, and quaint Bazaar, + Good Ladies of the Higher Light! + A Turkish Tea-gown, loose or tight, + Won't win us to the Rational Cult; + Japanese skirts do but insult + Our elder instincts, to which _Reason_ + Is nothing more nor less than treason. + Your "muddy weather costume" moves us + No more than satire, which reproves us + _Ad nauseam_, and for whose rebuff + We never care one pinch of snuff. + No, Ladies HARBERTON and COFFIN. + Your pleading, like the critics' "scoffin" + Touches us not; have we not smiled, + Mocking, at Mrs. OSCAR WILDE? + And shall we welcome with delight + Queer robes that make a girl "a fright?" + Pooh-pooh! We're simply imperturbable, + The Reign of Fashion's undisturbable. + The "Coming Dress?"--that's all sheer humming, + We only care for Dress _be_-Coming! + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._) + +No. XXV.--THE ADULATED CLERGYMAN. + +The Adulated Clergyman possesses many of the genuine qualities of the +domestic cat, in addition to a large stock of the characteristics which +tradition has erroneously assigned to that humble hut misunderstood animal. +Like a cat, he is generally sleek and has become an adept in the art of +ingratiating himself with those who wear skirts and dispense comforts. Like +a cat, too, he has an insinuating manner; he can purr quite admirably in +luxurious surroundings, and, on the whole, he prefers to attain his objects +by a circuitous method rather than by the bluff and uncompromising +directness which is employed by dogs and ordinary honest folk of the canine +sort. Moreover, he likes a home, but--here comes the difference--the homes +of others seem to attract and retain him more strongly than his own. And if +it were useful to set out the points of difference in greater detail, it +might be said that the genuine as opposed to the traditional cat often +shows true affection and quite a dignified resentment of snubs, is never +unduly familiar, and makes no pretence of being better than other cats +whose coats happen to be of a different colour. But it is better, perhaps, +at once to consider the Adulated Clergyman in his own person, and not in +his points of resemblance to or difference from other animals. + +[Illustration] + +He who afterwards becomes an Adulated Clergyman has probably been a mean +and grubby schoolboy, with a wretched but irresistible inclination to +sneak, and to defend himself for so doing on principle. It is of course +wrong to break rules at school, authority must be respected, masters must +be obeyed, but it is an honourable tradition amongst schoolboys that boys +who offend--since offences must come--should owe their consequent +punishment to the unassisted efforts of those who hold rule, rather than to +the calculating interference of another boy, who, though he may have shared +the offence, is unwilling to take his proportion of the result. A sneak, +therefore, has in all ages been invested with a badge of infamy, which no +amount of strictly scholastic success has ever availed to remove from him; +and his fellows, recognising that he has saved his own skin at the expense +of theirs, do their best to make up the difference to him in contempt and +abuse. Schoolboys are not distinguished for a fastidious reticence. If they +dislike, they never hesitate to say so, and they have a painfully downright +way of giving reasons for their behaviour, which is apt to jar on a +temperament so sensitive that its owner always and only treads the path of +high principle when self-interest points him in the same direction. + +The school career of the future pastor was not, therefore, a very happy +one, for at school there are no feeble women to be captivated by +heartrending revelations of a noble nature at war with universal +wickedness, and all but shattered by the assaults of an unfeeling world. +Nor, strange to say, do schoolmasters, as a rule, value the boy who ranges +himself on their side in the eternal war between boys and masters. However, +he proceeded in due time to a University. There he let it be known that his +ultimate destination was the Church, but he had his own method of +qualifying for his profession. He was not afflicted with the possession of +great muscular strength, or of a very robust health. Neither the river nor +the football-field attracted him. Cricket was a bore, athletic sports were +a burden; the rough manners of the ordinary Undergraduates made him +shudder. However, since at College there are sets of all sorts and sizes, +he soon managed to fashion for himself a little world of effete and mincing +idlers, who adored themselves even more than they worshipped one another. +They drank deep from the well of modern French literature, and chattered +interminably of RICHEPIN, GUY DE MAUPASSANT, PAUL BOURGET, and the rest. +They themselves were their own favourite native writers; but their morbid +sonnets, their love-lorn elegies, their versified mixtures of passion and a +quasi-religious mysticism, were too sacred for print, though they were +sometimes adapted to thin and fluttering airs, and sung to sympathisers in +private. Most of these gentlemen were "ploughed" in their examination, but +the hero of this sketch secured his degree without honours, and departed to +read for the Church. + +Soon afterwards he was ordained, was plunged ruthlessly into an East-End +parish, and disappeared for a time from view. He emerged, after an interval +of several years. The occasion was the inaugural meeting of a Guild for the +Conversion of Music-hall _Artistes_, which is to this day spoken of amongst +the irreverent as the Song and Sermon Society. The sensation of the meeting +was caused by the fervent speech of a clergyman, who announced that he +himself had been for some months a professional Variety Singer, attached to +more than one Music-hall, and that, having studied the life _de près_, he +knew all its temptations, and was therefore qualified to speak from +experience as to the best means of elevating those who pursued it. The +details of his story, as they fell from the mouth of the reverend speaker, +were highly spiced. His hearers were amused, interested, and stirred; and, +when a daily newspaper gave a headlined account of the speech, with a +portrait of the speaker, the professional fortune of the Adulated Clergyman +(for it was he) was assured. + +Shortly afterwards his biography appeared in a series published in a weekly +periodical under the title of _Unconventional Clerics_, and he himself +wrote a touching letter on "The Plague Spots of Nova Zembla," in which an +eloquent appeal was made for subscriptions on behalf of the inhabitants of +that chill and neglected region. Ladies now began to say to one another: +"Have you heard Mr. So-and-So preach? Really, not? Oh, you should. He's so +wonderful, so convincing, so unlike all others. You must come with me next +Sunday," and thus gradually he gathered round him in his remote church a +band of faithful women, drawn from the West End by the fame of his +unconventional eloquence. A not too fastidious critic might, perhaps, have +been startled by a note of vulgarity in his references to sacred events, as +well as by the tone of easy and intimate familiarity with which he spoke of +those whose names are generally mentioned with bated breath, and printed +with capital letters; but the most refined women seemed to find in all this +an additional fascination. His sermons dealt in language which was at the +same time plain and highly-coloured. He denounced his congregation roundly +as the meanest of sinners. To the women he was particularly merciless. He +tore to rags their little vesture of self-respect, shattered their nerves +with emotional appeals, harrowed all their feelings, and belaboured them so +violently with prophecies of wrath, that they left church, after shedding +gallons of tears and emptying their expiatory purses into the +subscription-plate, in a state of pale but pious pulp. In the +drawing-rooms, however, to which he afterwards resorted, his manner +changed. His voice became soft; he poured oil into the wounds he had +inflicted. "How are you to-day?" he would say, in his caressing way. "Is +the neuralgia any better? And the dulness of spirits? has meditation +prevailed over it? Ah me! it is the lot of the good to suffer, and silence, +perhaps, were best." Whereupon he is treated as a Father Confessor of +domestic troubles, and persuades young married women that their husbands +misunderstand them. + +It is unnecessary to add that his subscription-lists flourished, his +bazaars prospered, his missions and retreats overflowed with feminine +money, and his Church was overloaded with floral tributes. The brutal tribe +of men, however, sneered at him, and perversely suspected his motives; nor +were they reconciled to him when they saw him relieving the gloom of a +generally (so it was understood) ascetic existence by dining at a smart +restaurant with a galaxy of devoted women, whom he proposed to conduct in +person to a theatre. Such, then, is, or was, the Adulated Clergyman. It is +unnecessary to pursue his career further. Perhaps he quarrelled with his +Bishop, and unfrocked himself; possibly he found himself in a Court of Law, +where an unsympathetic jury recorded a painful verdict against him. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +My faithful "Co." says he has been reading the latest novel by "JOHN +STRANGE WYNTER," called, _The Other Man's Wife_, as the French would +observe, "without pleasure." As a rule he rather enjoys the works of the +Author of _Bootle's Baby_, and other stories of a semi-ladylike +semi-military character; but the newest tale is one too many for him. The +"man" is a mixture of snob and cad,--say "a snad,"--the "other man" a +combination of coward and bully, the "wife" a worthy mate to both of them. +The plot shows traces of hasty construction, otherwise it is difficult to +account for the "man's" intense astonishment at inheriting a title from his +cousin, and the farfetched clearing up of a sensational West-End murder. My +"Co." fancies that the peerage given to the "man," and the _vendetta_ of +the Polish Countess, both introduced rather late in Vol. II., must have +been after-thoughts. However, the end of the story is both novel and +entertaining. The feeble, fickle heroine is made to marry, as her second +husband, the man who (as an accessory after the fact) has been the murderer +of her first! And the best of the joke is--she does not know it! My "Co." +has also been much amused by a brightly-written Novel, in one volume, +called _A Bride from the Bush_. Mr. E. W. HORNUNG evidently knows his +subject well, and has caught the exact tone, or rather nasal twang of our +Australian cousins. My "Co." says that "the Bride" is a particularly +pleasant young person, thanks to her youth, good heart, and beauty. +However, it is questionable--taking her as a sample--whether her "people" +would "pan out" quite so satisfactorily. On the whole it would seem that +Australians who have "made their pile" by buying and selling land are +better at a distance--say as Aborigines! + +It is also the opinion of my faithful "Co." that the Clarendon Press series +of _Rulers of India_, has never contained a better volume than the _Life of +Mayo_, a work recently contributed by the Editor, Sir WILLIAM WILSON +HUNTER. Admirably written, the book gives in the pleasantest form +imaginable, a most eventful chapter in the History of Hindostan. But more, +the pages have a pathetic personal interest, as the subject of the memoir +was for many years misunderstood, and consequently, misrepresented. Even +the _London Charivari_ was unfair to the great Earl, but as Sir WILLIAM +hastens to say, "at his death stood first in its generous acknowledgment of +his real dessert, as it had led the dropping fire of raillery three years +before." The author has, by publishing this most welcome addition to a +capitally edited series, added yet another item to the long list of +services he has rendered to our Empire in the distant East. + +Since Miss FLORENCE WARDEN'S _House on the Marsh_, says the Baron, I have +not read a more exciting tale than the same authoress's _Pretty Miss +Smith_. It should be swallowed right off at a sitting, for if your interest +in it is allowed to cool during an interval, you may find it a little +difficult to get up the steam to the high-pressure point necessary for the +real enjoyment of a sensational story. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +SILENT SHAKSPEARE. + +DEAR MR. EDITOR, + +The great success that has attended the production of _L'Enfant Prodigue_ +at the Prince of Wales's Theatre has encouraged me to make a suggestion in +the cause of English Art. Why not SHAKSPEARE in dumb show? The Bard himself +introduced it in "The Play Scene." Allow me to suggest it thus:-- + + SCENE--_A more remote part of the Platform in Elsinore Castle. Enter_ + GHOST; _then_ HAMLET. + +_Hamlet_ (_in dumb show_). "Where wilt thou lead me? Speak!" (_In dumb +show._) "I'll go no further." + +_Ghost, by kissing his hand towards the horizon, shows that his hour is +almost come, when he is bound to render himself to sulphurous and +tormenting flames. The latter part of his description is composed of his +shrinking about the stage, as if suffering from intense heat._ + +_Hamlet buries his face in his hands, and sobs pitifully, expressing_ +"Alas, poor Ghost!" + +_Ghost repudiates compassion by turning up his nose, and throwing forward +his hands; and then, by pointing from his mouth to his ear, demands_ +HAMLET'S _serious attention._ + +_Hamlet touches his own lips, points to_ GHOST, _slaps his heart, and bows, +intimating that the_ GHOST _is to_ "Speak!" _and he is_ "bound to hear." + +_Ghost explains that he is his father's spirit by stroking_ HAMLET'S _face, +and then his own, and then shrinks about the stage to weird music, +descriptive of his prison-house. He concludes by appealing to_ HAMLET'S +_love for him by pressing his clasped hands to his own heart, and then +pointing towards the left-hand side of his son._ + +_Hamlet jerks his hands passionately upwards, as if saying_, "Oh Heaven!" + +_Ghost then asks for revenge by touching his dagger, and pointing towards +the sky. He acts the murder in the garden, showing the serpent who stung +him by gliding about the stage on his chest, like the boneless man. He +shows his murderer to be of his own blood by walking up and down as +himself, and then in the same way, but with a slight limp, as if he were +his brother._ + +_Hamlet might here exhibit_ "_Zadkiel's Almanack" as_ "prophetic," _and +slap the sole of his shoe for_ "soul;" _for_ "my Uncle" _it would be +sufficient to produce a pawnbroker's ticket_:--"Oh my prophetic soul! Mine +Uncle!" + +_Then the Ghost in great detail acts the murder in the orchard, imitating +the apples and the singing birds, the setting sun, &c., &c. He shows the +composition of the poison after its plucking from a bush, and its arrival +in the laboratory. He represents the actual pouring of the poison in his +ear. He hints too (by suggesting the action of the bell-ringer) that he was +never really mourned, and concludes a most spirited Ballet d'Action by a +rapid sketch of the paling of the ineffectual fires of the glow-worm. As he +leaves to the music of_ "Then you'll Remember Me," HAMLET _imitates +cockcrow, which brings the entertainment to an appropriate termination._ + +Surely this would be an improvement upon the conventional reading? In this +case where speech is silvern, silence would be golden. + +Trusting some Manager will take the matter up, + +I remain, always yours sincerely, + +A DUMB WAITER. + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday.--Faust_ and Foremost. Miss EAMES better even than she was last +week. NED DE RESZKÉ not so diabolical a _Mephistopheles_ as M. MAUREL. + + NEDDY RESZKÉ + Not so goblineske, + +and a stouter sort of demon, but of course a "_bon diable_." + +[Illustration: Cards held by Druriolanus Operaticus.] + +_Wednesday._--_Roméo et Julietta._ JACK and NED DE RESZKÉ _Roméo_ and _The +Friar_. Why the waltz alone, which ought to be on every organ besides Miss +EAMES'S, but which, strange to say, isn't thoroughly popular, should be +enough to make an Opera; but it's like the proportion of one swallow in the +composition of a summer, and, however well sung, it does not do everything. +It's a dull Opera. + +_Thursday._--_Carmen_ again. House not immense. Persons "of note" chiefly +on the stage. JULIA same as before; therefore refer to previous notice. Cab +and carriage service after the theatres everywhere wants reforming +altogether. We may not be worse off than in any other capital of Europe, +but we ought to be far ahead of them. + +Somebody or other complained of my writing "GLÜCK" instead of "GLUCK," He +didn't like the two dots; one too many for the poor chap, already in his +dotage, so to relieve him and soothe him, I'll write it "GLUCK," and then +he can go to the proprietor of "DAVIDSON'S Libretto Books" and ask him to +take the dotlets off the "Ü" in GLÜCK. I wonder if my strongly-spectacle'd +fault-finder writes the name of HANDEL correctly? I dare say so correct a +person never falls into any sort of error; or if he does, never admits it. +I like it done down to dots, as "HÄNDEL," myself; it looks so uncommonly +learned. + +_Saturday._--_Tannhäuser._ Full and appreciative house to welcome the +_rentrée_ of Madame ALBANI, who was simply perfection and the perfection of +simplicity as the self-sacrificing heroine _Elizabeth_. From a certain +Wagnerian-moral point of view, no better impersonator,--dramatically at +least, if not operatically,--of the sensual Falstaffian Knight could be +found than Signer PEROTTI; and, from every point of view, no finer +representation of the Cyprian Venus than Mlle. SOFIA RAVOGLI. M. MAUREL was +admirable in every way as the moral _Wolframo_, and Signor ABRAMOFF the +gravest of Landgraves. The full title of this Opera should be _Tannhäuser; +or, The Story of a Bard who sang a questionable kind of Song in the highest +Society, and what came of it._ + +Fine effect at end of First Act, when prancing steeds, with secondhand +park-hack saddles, at quite half-a-crown an hour, are brought in, and, on a +striking tableau of bold but impecunious warriors refusing to mount, the +Curtain descends. + +Then what pleasure to see _Albani-Elizabeth_ receiving the guests in Act +II., varying the courtesies with an affectionate embrace whenever a +particular friend among the ladies-of-the-court-chorus came in view. My +LORD CHAMBERLAIN, viewing the scene from his private box, must have picked +up many a hint for Court etiquette from studying this remarkable scene. +Then how familiar to us all is the arrangement of the bards all in a row, +like our old friends the Christy Minstrels, _Tannhäuser_ being the +Tambourine, and _Wolfram_ the Bones! Charming. Great success. Repeat it by +all means. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHIVALRY AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. + +"NOW, COOK, JUST YOU LOOK HERE! LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF BACON I'VE JUST GIVEN +YOUR MISTRESS! IT'S THE THICKEST AND WORST CUT I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE!--AND +THIS PIECE I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE MYSELF IS _ONLY A LITTLE BETTER!_"] + + * * * * * + +"PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY, SIR!" + +A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE. + +_Poor Income-Tax Payer, loquitur_:-- + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + My hope is almost dead; + You hold the swag in that black bag, + And high you lift your head. + Some years I have been asking this, + But no one heeds my plea. + Will you not give me _something_ then, + _This_ year, good Mister G.? + Oh! please give me a Penny! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + _You_ won't say "no" to me, + Because I'm poor, and feel the pinch + Of dreadful "Schedule D"! + You're so high-dried, and so correct, + So honest and austere! + Remember the full "Tanner," Sir, + I've stumped up year by year, + And please give me a Penny! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + My Income is but small, + And the hard Tax laid on our backs + I _should_ not pay at all. + But I'm too feeble to resist, + And do not like to lie; + And Sixpence, under Schedule D, + Torments me till I cry, + Do please give me a Penny, Sir! + + Consols, or Dividends, or Rents + Don't interest _me_ much; + "Goschens," reduced or otherwise, + Are things _I_ may not touch, + Two hundred pounds per year, all told, + Leaves little room for "exes;" + And 'tisn't only _public_ men + That "lack of pence" much vexes. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + The mysteries of High Finance + I don't presume to plumb; + So year by year my back they shear, + Sure that they'll find _me_ dumb. + But the oft-trodden worm will turn; + "Demand Notes" never slack; + And "Schedule D" fast at twice three, + Breaks the wage-earner's back. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + The moneyed swells who make "returns," + Much at their own sweet will, + Don't gauge the poor clerk's scanty purse, + The small shopkeeper's till, + How hard 'tis to make both ends meet, + When hard times tightly nip; + Or how small incomes sorely feel + The annual sixpenny dip. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + 'Tis heard on every side, + Muttered by poverty's pinched lip, + Silent so long--from pride. + Ah! listen to their pleadings, Sir, + And pity the true poor, + Whose life is one long fight to keep + The wolf from the house-door. + Oh, please give me a Penny, Sir! + + * * * * * + +"ROOSE IN URBE."--Dr. ROBSON ROOSE has returned to town after a trip to +Madeira. + + * * * * * + +"SWEET STRIFE." + +_By an Unionist M.P._ + + When PARNELL's mocked by HEALY, + In strident voice and squealy; + When HEALY'S snubbed by PARNELL, + In voice as from the charnel-- + I understand the windy + Wild charm of WAGNER'S shindy. + Discord _may_ be melodious, + When Harmony sounds odious; + Than _Israfel_ more dear is + Old Erin's latest _Eris!_ + + * * * * * + +THE _IN_-KERRECT KERR. + +IT was once said that Pianos may now be had on "MOORE and MOORE" easy terms +every day. Mrs. WALTER found that those "easy terms" involved such +pleasures as returning the instrument she had paid many instalments on, +getting an order from the masterful Mr. Commissioner KERR to pay costs as +well, and committal to prison for three weeks on the charge of "contempt of +Court"--for disobeying an order which Justices SMITH and GRANTHAM declare +the genial Commissioner had no sort of right to make!!! + +If this is the "hire-purchase system," a piano-less life is infinitely +preferable to braving its manifold perils and penalties. Easy terms, +indeed? Yes,--about as "easy" as "easy shaving" with a serrated +oyster-knife! Mrs. WALTER'S fate should be a warning to would-be +piano-purchasers, and, _Mr. Punch_ would fain hope, to exacting +System-workers and arbitrary Commissioners. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY!" + +NEEDY INCOME-TAX PAYER (loq.). "HOPE YOU WON'T FORGET ME _THIS TIME_, +SIR!!"] + + * * * * * + +FOR BETTER OR WORSE! + +(_Two Views of the Same Subject._) + +POSSIBLE ROMANCE. + + SCENE--_A Dungeon beneath the Castle Moat. Wife chained to a post, with + bread and water beside her. Enter Husband, with cat-o'-nine-tails._ + +_Husband._ And now, after ten days' seclusion, will you make over your +entire property to me, signing the deed with your life's blood? + +_Wife_ (_in a feeble voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you +to the last! + +_Husband._ Then die! [_He is about to leave the dungeon, when he is +met by a Messenger from the Court of Appeal._ + +_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner! + +_Husband._ Foiled! [_Joy of_ Wife, _and tableau, as the Curtain +falls._ + +PROBABLE REALITY. + + SCENE--_The Church-door of a fashionable Church. Wife bidding adieu to + Husband._ + +_Husband._ Surely, now that my name and fortune are yours, you will +reconsider your decision, and at least accompany me back to our wedding +breakfast? + +_Wife_ (_in a firm voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you to +the last! + +_Husband._ This is rank nonsense! You must take my arm. [_He is about +to leave the Church-porch, when he is met by a Messenger from the Court of +Appeal._ + +_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner! + +_Husband._ Sold! [_Joy of Wife, and tableau, as the Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +"WHAT'S IN A NAME?" + + The "Cony" is feeble, the Bear's a rough bore. + But CONYBEARE'S both, and perhaps a bit more! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SMART NEW BOY IN CLOAK-ROOM HAS NOTED GENTLEMEN SHUTTING UP +THEIR CRUSH HATS, AND PROMPTLY FLATTENS DE JONES'S BEST SILK TOPPER!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE OTHER MAN. + + My health is good, I know no pain, + I am not married to a wife; + From all accounts I'm fairly sane, + And yet I'm sick to death of life. + + The path that leads to wealth and fame + Cannot be traversed in a day; + I find it twice as hard a game, + Because a spectre bars the way. + + It has no terrors such as his + Away from which the children ran; + It's not the Bogey, but it _is_ + The Other Man. + + I met a girl, she seemed to be + A kind of vision from above. + She wasn't--but, alas! for me, + I weakly went and fell in love. + + Her father was a _millionnaire_, + Which didn't make me love her less. + I thought her quite beyond compare, + And gave long odds she'd answer "Yes." + + She thrilled me with each lovely look + She gave me from behind her fan, + She took my heart, and then she took-- + The Other Man. + + Farewell to Love! I thought I'd try + My level best to get a post; + The salary was not too high, + Two hundred pounds a-year at most. + + Committeemen in conclave sat, + Their questions all were cut and dried: + Oh, was I this? And did I that? + And twenty thousand things beside-- + + As did I smoke? and could I play + At golf? or did I get the gout? + And--most important--could I say + My mother knew that I was out? + + Then two were chosen. Should I "do"? + Perhaps!--and, just as I began + To hope, of course they gave it to + The Other Man. + + All uselessly I've learnt to swear + And use expressions that are vile; + In vain, in vain I've torn my hair + In quite the most artistic style. + + Yet one thing would I gladly learn-- + Yes, tell me quickly, if you can-- + Shall I be also, in my turn, + The Other Man? + + * * * * * + +THE KEY TO A LOCK. + + ["A lock of ----'s hair, set in a small gold-rimmed case, and said to + be an ancient family possession, was knocked down for forty pounds."] + + Take yonder lock of tangled hair, + A silver seamed with sable, + Dim harbinger from dreamland fair + Of reverie and fable; + + Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take, + A trinket loved, if little, + And wear it, darling, for my sake, + In yonder locket brittle; + + Small, as my banker's balance, small + And faint--a touching token; + My luck, the lock, the locket, all + Seem, child, a trifle broken. + + Investments, boy, are looking glum; + They flit and fade; in fine a + Not inconsiderable sum + Has gone to--Argentina. + + Nay, chide me not; one day, refilled + By these, may shine your pocket, + And Fortune's resurrection gild + The lock within the locket. + + Because, you see, when strong and sage + You grow, and all the serried + Lights of the great Victorian age + With me are quenched and buried; + + When other men in other days + Walk paramount--then shall you + Submit the thing to such as praise + The Past, its relics value. + + The curl was worn, you'll tell your friends, + By TENNYSON or BROWNING + (The detail of the name depends + On who is worth renowning). + + You'll vaunt that one who knew the grand + Victorian Stars, and rather + Deserved himself to join the band + (In fact your father's father), + + Who, past expression, loved whate'er + The market cottons _then_ to, + Committed to your childish care + This genuine memento. + + You'll catalogue it, as befalls + Your choice, my little gran'son; + You'll bear it to the deathless halls + Of CHRISTIE, WOODS, AND MANSON. + + So, when the fateful hammer sounds, + And you have cashed in rhino + A cheque for, haply, forty pounds, + You'll bless your grandsire, I know; + + Who, while his fortunes failed, and much + Was life's horizon o'ercast, + _Created_ souvenirs with such + A keen, commercial forecast. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS--SIR WILLIAM VARIETY HARCOURT.] + + * * * * * + +BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY. + +(_Fragment from a Romance founded upon evidence given before the Select +Committee upon Dram-drinking._) + +"I really think the experiment should be made," said the Professor. "Our +knowledge on the subject is so imperfect, that nothing definite can be +accurately pronounced." + +"True enough," replied one of his friends; "but although the end to be +attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by the scrupulous +'questionable?'" + +"By the over-scrupulous, perhaps," returned the Professor, with a smile. + +"And the expense," observed a second of his intimates, "will be no small +consideration. If we put the matter to a thorough test, a large quantity--a +very large quantity of the necessary liquid will have to be purchased and +disposed of. Am I not right in hazarding this supposition?" + +"Undoubtedly," responded the Professor, "and the cost will be enhanced by +the fact that the necessary liquids will have to be of the best possible +quality. As Dr. PAVEY observed before the Committee 'It is not the alcohol +in itself that is injurious, but the by-products.' Our aim must be to +eliminate the by-products." + +"I think the idea first-rate," said the third friend; and then he paused +and added, seemingly as an after-thought, "Pass the bottle." + +So the Professor and his three companions decided to make the investigation +in the cause of scientific research. It was resolved that after a week they +should meet again, and that in the meanwhile they should in their own +persons carry on the experiment continuously. When this had been arranged +the friends parted company. + +At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a concrete fact. +The Professor's friends were the first to appear at the rendezvous. They +were unsteady as to their gait, their neckties were in disorder and their +hair falling carelessly over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an +eyesight that seemingly was temporarily defective. They sank into three +chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually resolved itself +into a frown. Then they filled up the pause caused by the non-appearance of +the Professor by weeping silently. Their emotion was not of long duration, +as the originator of the experiment was soon in their midst. He seemed to +be in excellent health and spirits. + +"My dear friend," he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone to clip +his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of the plural, when the latter +would have been more conventional, "My dear friend, glad see you all. Hope +you well." + +His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which +ended in further weeping. + +"This very painful," continued the Professor, resting his hand somewhat +heavily on the back of a chair; "very painful indeed! Fact is, you been +taking wrong things!" + +His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively. + +"Yes you have! Sure of it! You, Sir--imbibed whiskey! No harm in good +whiskey--excellent thing, good whiskey! But injuriverius--should say, +injurious--if has too much flavour of malt! Your whiskey too much flavour +of malt! You took brandy--bad brandy--too much taste of grapes! You took +rum--bad rum--too much mo--mo--molasses! Now I took all three--whiskey, +brandy, rum, but pure--no by-products. No, not at all. Result! See! Sober +as judge!" + +And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at this +point of his discourse, joined his friends under the table! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CYCLING NOTES. + +_He._ "DO YOU BELONG TO THE PSYCHICAL SOCIETY?" + +_She._ "NO; BUT I SOMETIMES GO OUT ON MY BROTHER'S MACHINE!"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_March 20. "George Hotel," Billsbury._--Arrived here yesterday afternoon. +Mother made up her mind to come with me, being very anxious, she said, to +hear one of my splendid speeches. She brought luggage enough to last for a +week, and insisted on taking her poodle _Carlo_, who was an awful nuisance, +in the train. He growled horribly at old TOLLAND and BLISSOP when they came +to see me at the Hotel before dinner. Very awkward. TOLLAND wanted to put +before me the state of the case with regard to registration expenses. The +upshot was that the Candidate is expected to subscribe £80 a year to the +Association for this purpose, which I eventually agreed to do. Found +fourteen letters waiting for me. No. 1 was from Miss POSER, the Secretary +of the Billsbury Women's Suffrage League, asking me to receive a small +deputation on the question, and to lay my views before them. No. 2 from the +Anti-Vaccination League, stating that a deputation had been appointed to +meet me, in order to learn my views, and requesting me to fix a date. No. 3 +and No. 4, from two local lodges of Oddfellows, each declaring it to be of +the highest importance that I should become an Oddfellow and proposing +dates for my initiation. Nos. 5, 6 and 7 were from Secretaries of funds for +the restoration or building of Churches and Chapels, appealing for +subscriptions. Nos. 8, 9, and 10, from three more local Cricket Clubs, who +have elected me an Honorary Member, and want subscriptions. No. 11 from a +Children's Meat Tea Fund. No. 12 asked me to subscribe to a Bazaar, and to +attend its opening in June. No. 13, from the local Fire Brigade, and No. 14 +from the Secretary of the Local Society for improving the Breed of +Bullfinches, recommending this "national object" to my favourable notice. +Shall have to keep a Secretary, likewise a book of accounts. Where is it +all going to end? + +The Mass Meeting went off well enough. The Assembly Rooms were crammed. +(The _Meteor_ says, with its usual accuracy and _good taste_, "The +attendance was small, the proceedings were dull. A wonderful amount of +stale Jingoism was afterwards swept up by the caretakers from the floor. +Our Conservative friends are so wasteful.") I was adopted as Candidate +almost unanimously, only ten hands being held up against me. One or two +questions were asked--one about local option, which rather stumped me--but +I managed to express great sympathy with the Temperance party without, I +hope, offending publicans. + +_Carlo_ somehow or other got out of the hotel and followed us to the +meeting without being noticed. Poodles are all as cunning as Old Nick. He +lay quite low in some corner or other, until Colonel CHORKLE was in the +middle of a tremendous appeal to "the stainless banner which 'as so often +been borne to triumph by Billsbury's embattled chivalry." The Colonel +thumped on the table very hard, and _Carlo_, I suppose, had his eye on him +and thought he was going to thump me. At any rate he sprang out and dashed +at the Colonel, barking furiously. I had to seize him and take him outside. +The Colonel turned quite pale. _The Meteor_ says: "The war-like ardour +which burns in the breast of Colonel CHORKLE was well-nigh extinguished by +an intelligent dog, whose interruptions provoked immense applause." I had +to apologise profusely to the Colonel afterwards. Mrs. CHORKLE looked +daggers at me. Mother was delighted with the meeting. She has written about +it to Aunt AMELIA. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, April 13._--So long since Lord STALBRIDGE +parted company from RICHARD GROSVENOR that he forgets manners and customs +of House of Commons. Not being satisfied with choice made by Committee of +Selection of certain Members on Committee dealing with Railway Rates and +Charges, STALBRIDGE writes peremptory letter to Chairman, giving him severe +wigging; correspondence gets into newspapers; House of Commons, naturally +enough, very angry. Not going to stand this sort of thing from a mere Peer, +even though he be Chairman of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case +of privilege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front Bench, or by +WHITBREAD, or some other Member of standing. Somehow, whilst thing being +thought over and talked about, SEXTON undertakes to see it through. As soon +as questions over to-night, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically +impressive manner, announces intention of putting certain questions to JOHN +MOWBRAY, Chairman of Committee of Selection. Ordinary man would have put +his questions and sat down. But this a great occasion for SEXTON. Domestic +difficulties in Irish Party kept him away from Westminster for many weeks. +No opportunity for Windbag to come into action; now is the time, as +champion of privileges of House of Commons. Position one of some +difficulty. Not intending to conclude with a Motion, he would be out of +order in making a speech. Could only ask question. Question couldn't +possibly extend over two minutes; two minutes, nothing: with the Windbag +full, bursting after compulsory quiescence since Parliament opened. + +SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from time to time +moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, SEXTON +lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again, +patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so +thoroughly enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person +could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't SEXTON'S +funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper. + +[Illustration: A Cameron Man.] + +"No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be STALBRIDGE'S; but I +fancy SEXTON will save him from full inconvenience of the ceremony." + +So it turned out; House tired of business long before Windbag SEXTON had +blown himself out. Poor JOHN MOWBRAY admittedly flabberghasted by the +interminable string of questions under which SEXTON had tried to disguise +his speech. STALBRIDGE got off without direct censure, and DONALD CAMERON +abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Irish Land Bill. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-night after Easter Recess; come +together with a feeling that since last they met a gap been made in their +ranks that can never be filled. The gentle GRANVILLE'S seat is occupied by +another. Never more will the Peers look upon his kindly face, or hear his +lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite phrase. + +KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe man; one of the +rare kind whose reputation stands highest with the innermost circle of +those who work and live with him. To the outside world, the man in the +street, KIMBERLEY is an expression; some not quite sure whether he isn't a +territory in South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course; listened to with +respect, much as HALLAM'S _Constitutional History of England_ is +occasionally read. But when to-night he rises from GRANVILLE'S seat and +makes a speech that, with readjustment of circumstance, GRANVILLE himself +would have made, an assembly not emotional feels with keen pang how much it +has lost. + +The MARKISS should be here. Perhaps for himself it is as well he's away. To +him, more than anyone else in the House, the newly filled space on the +Bench opposite is of direful import. _The MARKISS has no peer now GRANVILLE +is gone; the two were in all characteristics and mental attitudes +absolutely opposed, and yet, like oil and vinegar, the mixing perfected the +salad of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at one +side of the table talking at large to the House, but with his eye fixed on +GRANVILLE; at the other, the dapper figure, with its indescribable air of +old-fashioned gentlemanhood, the light of his smile shed impartially on the +benches opposite, but his slight bow reserved for the MARKISS, as, leaning +across the table, he pinked him under the fifth rib with glittering +rapier--this is a sight that will never more gladden the eye in the House +of Lords. GRANVILLE was the complement of the MARKISS; the MARKISS was to +GRANVILLE an incentive to his bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet +to touch shield with lance across the table in the Lords. LYCIDAS is dead, +not ere his prime, it is true; + + "But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone, + Now thou art gone, and never must return!" + +It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that CRANBROOK, KIMBERLEY, DERBY, +and SELBORNE strummed their lament. But, speaking from different points of +view, without pre-concert, they struck the same chord in recognising the +ever unruffled gentleness of the nature of LYCIDAS--a gentleness not born +of weakness, a sweetness of disposition that did not unwholesomely cloy. +Only Mr. G. could have fitly spoken the eulogy of GRANVILLE. After him, the +task belonged to the MARKISS, and it was a pity that circumstances +prevented his undertaking it. _Business done_,--Irish Land Bill in Commons. + +_Wednesday._--Brer FOX turned up to-day, unexpectedly. So did MAURICE HEALY, +even more unexpectedly. Irish Sunday Closing Bill under discussion. Great +bulk of Irish Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by +Windbag SEXTON. Belfast Publicans, who find their business threatened, +insist that he shall oppose the Bill; does so accordingly, separating +himself from his party. Brer FOX quickly seized the opportunity; he, too, +on he side of the Publicans, who hold the purse, and, money (like some of +their customers) is tight. So PARNELL lavishly compliments Windbag SEXTON +on his "large and patriotic view"; hisses out his scorn for the Liberal +Party; declares that Ireland abhors the measure, which he calls a New +Coercion Bill. + +[Illustration: "The mildest-mannered Man."] + +Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, looking less +like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet voice, sounds clearly +through the House, and Mr. MAURICE HEALY is discovered denying Brer FOX'S +right to speak on this or any other public question for the constituency of +Cork. + +"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking young man +continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me about contesting the +seat." + +That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that rang +through House told how they had gone home. + +_Business done._--Irish Sunday Closing Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration] + +_Friday._--GRANDOLPH looked in for few minutes before dinner. A little +difficulty with doorkeeper. So disguised under beard, that failed to +recognise him; thought he was a stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when +GRANDOLPH turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of +lightning. + +"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the safety of his +chair with alacrity. + +GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to the manifest +chagrin of his jilted moustache. + +"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; don't know whether +I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland wants a King, and insists upon my +accepting the Crown, not sure I shall refuse." + +"GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he swung through the +Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same man since he grew it. + + "There was a Young Man with a beard, + Who said, 'It is just as I feared! + Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, + Have all built their nests in my beard.'" + +_Business done._--Committee on Irish Land Bill Dropping into Poetry, again. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, +Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not +even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or +Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 25, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #14277] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 25th, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" + id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.'s + Own Harmless Ibsenite.</i>)</p> + + <h4>No. III.—HEDDA GABLER.</h4> + + <p class="center">ACT I.</p> + + <blockquote> + SCENE—<i>A Sitting-room cheerfully decorated in dark + colours. Broad doorway, hung with black crape, in the wall + at back, leading to a back Drawing-room, in which, above a + sofa in black horsehair, hangs a posthumous portrait of the + late</i> General GABLER. <i>On the piano is a handsome + pall. Through the glass panes of the back Drawing-room + window are seen a dead wall and a cemetery. Settees, sofas, + chairs, &c., handsomely upholstered in black bombazine, + and studded with small round nails. Bouquets of immortelles + and dead grasses are lying everywhere about.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Aunt JULIE (<i>a good-natured looking lady in a + smart hat</i>).</p> + + <p><i>Aunt J.</i> Well, I declare, if I believe GEORGE or HEDDA + are up yet! (<i>Enter</i> GEORGE TESMAN, <i>humming, stout, + careless, spectacled.</i>) Ah, my dear boy, I have called + before breakfast to inquire how you and HEDDA are after + returning late last night from your long honeymoon. Oh, dear + me, yes; am I not your old Aunt, and are not these attentions + usual in Norway?</p> + + <p><i>George.</i> Good Lord, yes! My six months' honeymoon has + been quite a little travelling scholarship, eh? I have been + examining archives. Think of <i>that</i>! Look here, I'm going + to write a book all about the domestic interests of the + Cave-dwellers during the Deluge. I'm a clever young Norwegian + man of letters, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Aunt J.</i> Fancy your knowing about that too! Now, dear + me, thank Heaven!</p> + + <p><i>George.</i> Let me, as a dutiful Norwegian nephew, untie + that smart, showy hat of yours. (<i>Unties it, and pats her + under the chin.</i>) Well, to be sure, you have got yourself + really up,—fancy that! + [<i>He puts hat on chair close to + table.</i></p> + + <p><i>Aunt J.</i> (<i>giggling</i>). It was for HEDDA'S + sake—to go out walking with her in. (HEDDA <i>approaches + from the back-room; she is pallid, with cold, open, steel-grey + eyes; her hair is not very thick, but what there is of it is an + agreeable medium brown.</i>) Ah, dear HEDDA! + [<i>She attempts to cuddle + her.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>shrinking back</i>). Ugh, let me go, do! + (<i>Looking at</i> Aunt JULIE'S <i>hat.</i>) TESMAN, you must + really tell the housemaid not to leave her old hat about on the + drawing-room chairs. Oh, is it <i>your</i> hat? Sorry I spoke, + I'm sure!</p> + + <p><i>Aunt J.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Good gracious, little Mrs. + HEDDA; my nice new hat that I bought to go out walking with + <i>you</i> in!</p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>patting her on the back</i>). Yes, HEDDA, + she did, and the parasol too! Fancy, Aunt JULIE always + positively thinks of everything, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>coldly</i>). You hold <i>your</i> tongue. + Catch me going out walking with your aunt! One doesn't + <i>do</i> such things.</p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>beaming</i>). Isn't she a charming woman? + Such fascinating manners! My goodness, eh? Fancy that!</p> + + <p><i>Aunt J.</i> Ah, dear GEORGE, you ought indeed to be + happy—but (<i>brings out a flat package wrapped in + newspaper</i>) look <i>here</i>, my dear boy!</p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>opens it</i>). What? my dear old morning + shoes! my slippers! (<i>Breaks down.</i>) This is positively + too touching, HEDDA, eh? Do you remember how badly I wanted + them all the honeymoon? Come and just have a look at + them—you <i>may</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda.</i> Bother your old slippers and your old aunt + too! (Aunt JULIE <i>goes out annoyed, followed by</i> GEORGE, + <i>still thanking her warmly for the slippers</i>; HEDDA + <i>yawns</i>; GEORGE <i>comes back and places his old slippers + reverently on the table.</i>) Why, here comes Mrs. + ELVSTED—<i>another</i> early caller! She had irritating + hair, and went about making a sensation with it—an old + flame of yours, I've heard.</p> + + <p><i>Enter Mrs.</i> ELVSTED; <i>she is pretty and gentle, with + copious wavy white-gold hair and round prominent eyes, and the + manner of a frightened rabbit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>nervous</i>). Oh, please, I'm so + perfectly in despair. EJLERT LÖVBORG, you know, who was + our Tutor; he's written such a large new book. I inspired him. + Oh, I know I don't look like it—but I did—he told + me so. And, good gracious, now he's in this dangerous wicked + town all alone, and he's a reformed character, and I'm + <i>so</i> frightened about him; so, as the wife of a Sheriff + twenty years older than me, I came up to look after Mr. + LÖVBORG. Do ask him here—then I can meet him. You + will? How perfectly lovely of you! My husband's <i>so</i> fond + of him!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda.</i> GEORGE, go and write an invitation at once; do + you hear? (GEORGE <i>looks around for his slippers, takes them + up and goes out.</i>) Now we can talk, my little THEA. Do you + remember how I used to pull your hair when we met on the + stairs, and say I would scorch it off? Seeing people with + copious hair always <i>does</i> irritate me.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Goodness, yes, you were always so playful and + friendly, and I was so afraid of you. I am still. And please, + I've run away from my husband. Everything around him was + distasteful to me. And Mr. LÖVBORG and I were + comrades—he was dissipated, and I got a sort of power + over him, and he made a real person out of me—which I + wasn't before, you know; but, oh, I do hope I'm real now. He + talked to me and taught me to think—chiefly of him. So, + when Mr. LÖVBORG came here, naturally I came too. There + was nothing else to do! And fancy, there is another woman whose + shadow still stands between him and me! She wanted to shoot him + once, and so, of course, he can never forget her. I wish I knew + her name—perhaps it was that red-haired opera-singer?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>with cold self-command</i>). Very + likely—but nobody does that sort of thing here. Hush! Run + away now. Here comes TESMAN with Judge BRACK. (Mrs. E. <i>goes + out</i>; GEORGE <i>comes in with</i> Judge BRACK, <i>who is a + short and elastic gentleman, with a round face, carefully + brushed hair, and distinguished profile.</i>) How awfully funny + you do look by daylight, Judge!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/193.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193.png" + alt="I am a gay Norwegian dog." /></a> + + <p>"I am a gay Norwegian dog."</p> + </div> + + <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>holding his hat and dropping his + eye-glass</i>). Sincerest thanks. Still the same graceful + manners, dear little Mrs. HED—TESMAN! I came to invite + dear TESMAN to a little bachelor-party to celebrate his return + from his long honeymoon. It is customary in Scandinavian + society. It will be a lively affair, for I am a gay Norwegian + dog.</p> + + <p><i>George.</i> Asked out—without my wife! Think of + that! Eh? Oh, dear me, yes, <i>I</i>'ll come!</p> + + <p><i>Brack.</i> By the way, LÖVBORG is here; he has + written a wonderful book, which has made a quite extraordinary + sensation. Bless me, yes!</p> + + <p><i>George.</i> LÖVBORG—fancy! Well, I + <i>am</i>—glad. Such marvellous gifts! And I was so + painfully certain he had gone to the bad. Fancy that, eh? But + what will become of him <i>now</i>, poor fellow, eh? I + <i>am</i> so anxious to know!</p> + + <p><i>Brack.</i> Well, he may possibly put up for the + Professorship against you, and, though you <i>are</i> an + uncommonly clever man of letters—for a + Norwegian—it's not wholly improbable that he may cut you + out!</p> + + <p><i>George.</i> But, look here, good Lord, Judge + BRACK!—(<i>gesticulating</i>)—that would show an + incredible want of consideration for me! I married on my chance + of <i>getting</i> that Professorship. A man like LÖVBORG, + too, who hasn't even been respectable, eh? One doesn't do such + things as that!</p> + + <p><i>Brack.</i> Really? You forget we are all realistic and + unconventional persons here, and do all kinds of odd things. + But don't worry yourself! [<i>He + goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>to Hedda</i>). Oh, I say, HEDDA, what's to + become of our Fairyland now, eh? We can't have a liveried + servant, or give dinner-parties, or have a horse for riding. + Fancy that!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>slowly, and wearily</i>). No, we shall + really have to set up as Fairies in reduced circumstances, + now.</p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>cheering up</i>). Still, we shall see Aunt + JULIE every day, and <i>that</i> will be something, and I've + got back my old slippers. We shan't be altogether without some + amusements, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>crosses the floor</i>). Not while I have + <i>one</i> thing to amuse myself with, at all events.</p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>beaming with joy</i>). Oh, Heaven be + praised and thanked for that! My goodness, so you have! And + what may <i>that</i> be, HEDDA, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>at the doorway, with suppressed scorn</i>). + Yes, GEORGE, you have the old slippers of the attentive Aunt, + and I have the horse-pistols of the deceased General!</p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>in an agony</i>). The pistols! Oh, my + goodness! <i>what</i> pistols?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>with cold eyes</i>). General GABLER'S + pistols—same which I shot—(<i>recollecting + herself</i>)—no, that's THACKERAY, not IBSEN—a + <i>very</i> different + person. [<i>She goes through the + back Drawing-room.</i></p> + + <p><i>George</i> (<i>at doorway, shouting after her</i>). + Dearest HEDDA, <i>not</i> those dangerous things, eh? Why, they + have never once been known to shoot straight yet! Don't! Have a + catapult. For <i>my</i> sake, have a + catapult! [<i>Curtain.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Bow-Wow!</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The RAIKES' teeth were bared—a most terrible + sight!—</p> + + <p class="i2">At the Messenger Companies. Now all seems + joy</p> + + <p class="i2">For the Public, the P.O., the Co., and + the Boy!</p> + + <p>The Dog in the Manger JOHN BULL did affright,</p> + + <p>But—his bark is perhaps rather worse than his + bite!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" + id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/194.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/194.png" + alt="Sons of Britannia" /></a> + + <h3>SONS OF BRITANNIA; OR, THE UNITED SERVICE.</h3> + + <p>[The Senior Admiral of the Fleet, SIR PROVO WILLIAM + PARRY WALLIS, G.C.B., who was in the action between the + British Frigate <i>Shannon</i> and the American Frigate + <i>Chesapeake</i> on June 1st, 1813 (taking command of the + <i>Shannon</i> after the disabling of Captain BROKE), + celebrated the hundredth anniversary of his birthday on + April 12th, 1891.</p> + + <p>Lieutenant GRANT "displayed great bravery and judgment" + (<i>Times</i>) in the defence of Thobal against the + Manipuris, April, 1891.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" + id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + + <h3>SONS OF BRITANNIA.</h3> + + <h4>1813—1891.</h4> + + <p class="center"><i>Britannia loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From Boston Bay to Thobal fort</p> + + <p class="i2">Is a far cry, but bravery bridges</p> + + <p>The centuries, and of space makes sport.</p> + + <p class="i2">The shot that swept the salt + sea-ridges</p> + + <p>When VERE BROKE of the <i>Shannon</i> smote</p> + + <p class="i2">The foe, and, struck, left WALLIS + smiting,—</p> + + <p>Sends echoes down the years that float</p> + + <p class="i2">To Thobal o'er the sounds of + fighting.</p> + + <p>Memories of greatness make men great!</p> + + <p class="i2">Brave centenarian, you with pleasure</p> + + <p>May greet the youth who guard our State.</p> + + <p class="i2">You, whose long memories can measure</p> + + <p>So wide a sweep of England's war,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must joy to see her served as boldly</p> + + <p>As in those sad mad days afar,</p> + + <p class="i2">When, gazing on her children coldly,</p> + + <p>She alienated kindred hearts,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which might till now have beaten + loyal.</p> + + <p>At least you both played well <i>your</i> parts,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though blunderers blind, official, + royal,</p> + + <p>May then or now have marred the work</p> + + <p class="i2">Of arduous years, and gallant + spirits,</p> + + <p>My sons at least no peril shirk,</p> + + <p class="i2">Valour from age to age inherits.</p> + + <p>The old tradition, duteous stands</p> + + <p class="i2">For the old Flag, wherever flying!</p> + + <p>Brave WALLIS, gallant GRANT, clasp hands!</p> + + <p class="i2">My sons! Unfaltering, undying,</p> + + <p>Beneath grey hairs, or youth's brown locks,</p> + + <p class="i2">The spirit proud of patriot valour!</p> + + <p>Not desperate odds in war's wild shocks</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall strike its flush to craven + pallor.</p> + + <p>Mud-fort, or "mealey" bastion, deck</p> + + <p class="i2">Of shot-torn ship, or red + "death-valley,"</p> + + <p>What odds? Of danger nought I reck,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst thus my sons to me can rally.</p> + + <p>Come what, come will! Whilst centuried age</p> + + <p class="i2">And youth in Spring strike hands before + me,</p> + + <p>Let foemen band, let battle rage,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll keep my Flag still flying o'er + me!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/195.png" + alt="General Idea" /></a> + + <h3>"GENERAL IDEA"</h3>HITTING ON A NOVEL PLAN FOR OUR + COAST DEFENCES + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>The Yankee Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our people will not stand it—no!</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Fiction, limp or strong,</p> + + <p>Yanks want but little here below,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor want that little <i>long</i>!</p> + + <p>(But oh! our (Saxon) stars one thanks,</p> + + <p>Romance is <i>not</i> (yet) ruled by Yanks!)</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.</h3> + + <p class="center">THE TAX-COLLECTOR'S HEART.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know his step, his ring, his knock,</p> + + <p class="i2">I hear him, too, explain,</p> + + <p>With emphasis my nerves that shock,</p> + + <p class="i2">That he "won't call again!"</p> + + <p>I know that bodes a coming storm—</p> + + <p class="i2">A summons looms a-head!</p> + + <p>I follow his retreating form,</p> + + <p class="i2">And note his stealthy tread!</p> + + <p>Some grace to beg, implore, beseech,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twere vain! Let him depart!</p> + + <p>I know no human cry can reach</p> + + <p class="i2">That Tax-Collector's heart!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He kept his word. To claim that rate</p> + + <p class="i2">He never called again.</p> + + <p>An outraged Vestry, loth to wait,</p> + + <p class="i2">Soon made their purpose plain.</p> + + <p>I know not how, I missed the day,—</p> + + <p class="i2">But that fell summons came.</p> + + <p>Two shillings costs it took to play</p> + + <p class="i2">That Tax-Collector's game.</p> + + <p>I own the outlay was not much!</p> + + <p class="i2">But, <i>that</i> is not the smart:</p> + + <p>'Tis that no anguished shriek can touch</p> + + <p class="i2">That Tax-Collector's heart!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"MORS ET VITA."—A fine performance, April 15, at + Albert Hall, with ALBANI, HILDA WILSON, Messrs. LLOYD, and + WATKIN MILLS, and Dr. MACKENZIE, as conductor or con-doctor. I + should have given, writes our correspondent, a full and + enthusiastic account of it, but that I was bothered all the + time by two persons near me, who would talk and wouldn't + listen. Thank goodness, they didn't stay throughout the + performance. In a theatre they'd have been hushed down, but + this is such a big place that a talking duet is heard only in + the immediate neighbourhood of the talkers; and then no one + wants to have a row during the performance of sacred music. + It's like brawling in church.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>THE TITHES QUESTION.—I am the Vicar of a country + Church in Wales; but owing to the total failure of my last + attempt to distrain on the stock of a neighbouring farmer, on + which occasion I was tossed over a hedge by an infuriated cow, + my family and myself are starving. I wish to know if I can + legally pawn the lectern, the ancient carved pulpit, and + several rare old sedilia in the Church? Or they would be + exchanged for an immediate supply of their value in + groceries.—URGENT.</p> + + <p>ANNOYANCE FROM NEIGHBOUR.—I live in a quiet street, + and my next-door neighbour has suddenly converted his house + into a Fried Fish Shop. Some of his boxes protrude into my + front garden. Have I the right of seizing them, and eating + contents, supposing them to be fit for human consumption? My + house is perpetually filled with the aroma of questionable + herrings, and very pronounced haddocks. I have asked, politely, + for compensation, and received only bad language. What should + be my next step?—PERPLEXED.</p> + + <p>DEED OF GIFT.—Upon my eldest son's marriage I wish to + make him a really handsome money present. My idea is to hand + over to him £100, on condition that he repays me ten per + cent, as long as I live, my age now being forty-five. Then as + to security. Had I better get a Bill of Sale on the furniture, + which he has just had given him by his wife's father for their + new house, or how can I most effectually bind + him?—GENEROUS PARENT.</p> + + <p>HOLIDAY TRIP.—Would one of your readers inform me of a + locality where I can take my next summer's holiday of a month, + for £3 10<i>s.</i>, fare included? It must be near the + sea and high mountains, with a genial though bracing climate. + Good boating and bathing. Strictly honest lodging-house keepers + and romantic surroundings indispensable.—EASY TO + PLEASE.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>COMING DRESS.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Sweet Seventeen to the would-be Sumptuary + Reformers at the Kensington Town Hall.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Vainly on Fashion you make war,</p> + + <p>With querulous Book, and quaint Bazaar,</p> + + <p>Good Ladies of the Higher Light!</p> + + <p>A Turkish Tea-gown, loose or tight,</p> + + <p>Won't win us to the Rational Cult;</p> + + <p>Japanese skirts do but insult</p> + + <p>Our elder instincts, to which <i>Reason</i></p> + + <p>Is nothing more nor less than treason.</p> + + <p>Your "muddy weather costume" moves us</p> + + <p>No more than satire, which reproves us</p> + + <p><i>Ad nauseam</i>, and for whose rebuff</p> + + <p>We never care one pinch of snuff.</p> + + <p>No, Ladies HARBERTON and COFFIN.</p> + + <p>Your pleading, like the critics' "scoffin"</p> + + <p>Touches us not; have we not smiled,</p> + + <p>Mocking, at Mrs. OSCAR WILDE?</p> + + <p>And shall we welcome with delight</p> + + <p>Queer robes that make a girl "a fright?"</p> + + <p>Pooh-pooh! We're simply imperturbable,</p> + + <p>The Reign of Fashion's undisturbable.</p> + + <p>The "Coming Dress?"—that's all sheer + humming,</p> + + <p>We only care for Dress <i>be</i>-Coming!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" + id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + + <h3>MODERN TYPES.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</p> + + <h4>No. XXV.—THE ADULATED CLERGYMAN.</h4> + + <p>The Adulated Clergyman possesses many of the genuine + qualities of the domestic cat, in addition to a large stock of + the characteristics which tradition has erroneously assigned to + that humble but misunderstood animal. Like a cat, he is + generally sleek and has become an adept in the art of + ingratiating himself with those who wear skirts and dispense + comforts. Like a cat, too, he has an insinuating manner; he can + purr quite admirably in luxurious surroundings, and, on the + whole, he prefers to attain his objects by a circuitous method + rather than by the bluff and uncompromising directness which is + employed by dogs and ordinary honest folk of the canine sort. + Moreover, he likes a home, but—here comes the + difference—the homes of others seem to attract and retain + him more strongly than his own. And if it were useful to set + out the points of difference in greater detail, it might be + said that the genuine as opposed to the traditional cat often + shows true affection and quite a dignified resentment of snubs, + is never unduly familiar, and makes no pretence of being better + than other cats whose coats happen to be of a different colour. + But it is better, perhaps, at once to consider the Adulated + Clergyman in his own person, and not in his points of + resemblance to or difference from other animals.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/196.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/196.png" + alt="The Adulated Clergyman" /></a> + </div> + + <p>He who afterwards becomes an Adulated Clergyman has probably + been a mean and grubby schoolboy, with a wretched but + irresistible inclination to sneak, and to defend himself for so + doing on principle. It is of course wrong to break rules at + school, authority must be respected, masters must be obeyed, + but it is an honourable tradition amongst schoolboys that boys + who offend—since offences must come—should owe + their consequent punishment to the unassisted efforts of those + who hold rule, rather than to the calculating interference of + another boy, who, though he may have shared the offence, is + unwilling to take his proportion of the result. A sneak, + therefore, has in all ages been invested with a badge of + infamy, which no amount of strictly scholastic success has ever + availed to remove from him; and his fellows, recognising that + he has saved his own skin at the expense of theirs, do their + best to make up the difference to him in contempt and abuse. + Schoolboys are not distinguished for a fastidious reticence. If + they dislike, they never hesitate to say so, and they have a + painfully downright way of giving reasons for their behaviour, + which is apt to jar on a temperament so sensitive that its + owner always and only treads the path of high principle when + self-interest points him in the same direction.</p> + + <p>The school career of the future pastor was not, therefore, a + very happy one, for at school there are no feeble women to be + captivated by heartrending revelations of a noble nature at war + with universal wickedness, and all but shattered by the + assaults of an unfeeling world. Nor, strange to say, do + schoolmasters, as a rule, value the boy who ranges himself on + their side in the eternal war between boys and masters. + However, he proceeded in due time to a University. There he let + it be known that his ultimate destination was the Church, but + he had his own method of qualifying for his profession. He was + not afflicted with the possession of great muscular strength, + or of a very robust health. Neither the river nor the + football-field attracted him. Cricket was a bore, athletic + sports were a burden; the rough manners of the ordinary + Undergraduates made him shudder. However, since at College + there are sets of all sorts and sizes, he soon managed to + fashion for himself a little world of effete and mincing + idlers, who adored themselves even more than they worshipped + one another. They drank deep from the well of modern French + literature, and chattered interminably of RICHEPIN, GUY DE + MAUPASSANT, PAUL BOURGET, and the rest. They themselves were + their own favourite native writers; but their morbid sonnets, + their love-lorn elegies, their versified mixtures of passion + and a quasi-religious mysticism, were too sacred for print, + though they were sometimes adapted to thin and fluttering airs, + and sung to sympathisers in private. Most of these gentlemen + were "ploughed" in their examination, but the hero of this + sketch secured his degree without honours, and departed to read + for the Church.</p> + + <p>Soon afterwards he was ordained, was plunged ruthlessly into + an East-End parish, and disappeared for a time from view. He + emerged, after an interval of several years. The occasion was + the inaugural meeting of a Guild for the Conversion of + Music-hall <i>Artistes</i>, which is to this day spoken of + amongst the irreverent as the Song and Sermon Society. The + sensation of the meeting was caused by the fervent speech of a + clergyman, who announced that he himself had been for some + months a professional Variety Singer, attached to more than one + Music-hall, and that, having studied the life <i>de + près</i>, he knew all its temptations, and was therefore + qualified to speak from experience as to the best means of + elevating those who pursued it. The details of his story, as + they fell from the mouth of the reverend speaker, were highly + spiced. His hearers were amused, interested, and stirred; and, + when a daily newspaper gave a headlined account of the speech, + with a portrait of the speaker, the professional fortune of the + Adulated Clergyman (for it was he) was assured.</p> + + <p>Shortly afterwards his biography appeared in a series + published in a weekly periodical under the title of + <i>Unconventional Clerics</i>, and he himself wrote a touching + letter on "The Plague Spots of Nova Zembla," in which an + eloquent appeal was made for subscriptions on behalf of the + inhabitants of that chill and neglected region. Ladies now + began to say to one another: "Have you heard Mr. So-and-So + preach? Really, not? Oh, you should. He's so wonderful, so + convincing, so unlike all others. You must come with me next + Sunday," and thus gradually he gathered round him in his remote + church a band of faithful women, drawn from the West End by the + fame of his unconventional eloquence. A not too fastidious + critic might, perhaps, have been startled by a note of + vulgarity in his references to sacred events, as well as by the + tone of easy and intimate familiarity with which he spoke of + those whose names are generally mentioned with bated breath, + and printed with capital letters; but the most refined women + seemed to find in all this an additional fascination. His + sermons dealt in language which was at the same time plain and + highly-coloured. He denounced his congregation roundly as the + meanest of sinners. To the women he was particularly merciless. + He tore to rags their little vesture of self-respect, shattered + their nerves with emotional appeals, harrowed all their + feelings, and belaboured them so violently with prophecies of + wrath, that they left church, after shedding gallons of tears + and emptying their expiatory purses into the + subscription-plate, in a state of pale but pious pulp. In the + drawing-rooms, however, to which he afterwards resorted, his + manner changed. His voice became soft; he poured oil into the + wounds he had inflicted. "How are you to-day?" he would say, in + his caressing way. "Is the neuralgia any better? And the + dulness of spirits? has meditation prevailed over it? Ah me! it + is the lot of the good to suffer, and silence, perhaps, were + best." Whereupon he is treated as a Father Confessor of + domestic troubles, and persuades young married women that their + husbands misunderstand them.</p> + + <p>It is unnecessary to add that his subscription-lists + flourished, his bazaars prospered, his missions and retreats + overflowed with feminine money, and his Church was overloaded + with floral tributes. The brutal tribe of men, however, sneered + at him, and perversely suspected his motives; nor were they + reconciled to him when they saw him relieving the gloom of a + generally (so it was understood) ascetic existence by dining at + a smart restaurant with a galaxy of devoted women, whom he + proposed to conduct in person to a theatre. Such, then, is, or + was, the Adulated Clergyman. It is unnecessary to pursue his + career further. Perhaps he quarrelled with his Bishop, and + unfrocked himself; possibly he found himself in a Court of Law, + where an unsympathetic jury recorded a painful verdict against + him.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + + <p>My faithful "Co." says he has been reading the latest novel + by "JOHN STRANGE WYNTER," called, <i>The Other Man's Wife</i>, + as the French would observe, "without pleasure." As a rule he + rather enjoys the works of the Author of <i>Bootle's Baby</i>, + and other stories of a semi-ladylike semi-military character; + but the newest tale is one too many for him. The "man" is a + mixture of snob and cad,—say "a snad,"—the "other + man" a combination of coward and bully, the "wife" a worthy + mate to both of them. The plot shows traces of hasty + construction, otherwise it is difficult to account for the + "man's" intense astonishment at inheriting a title from his + cousin, and the farfetched clearing up of a sensational + West-End murder. My "Co." fancies that the peerage given to the + "man," and the <i>vendetta</i> of the Polish Countess, both + introduced rather late in Vol. II., must have been + after-thoughts. However, the end of the story is both novel and + entertaining. The feeble, fickle heroine is made to marry, as + her second husband, the man who (as an accessory after the + fact) has been the murderer of her first! And the best of the + joke is—she does not know it! My "Co." has also been much + amused by a brightly-written Novel, in one volume, called <i>A + Bride from the Bush</i>. Mr. E. W. HORNUNG evidently knows his + subject well, and has caught the exact tone, or rather nasal + twang of our <span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" + id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> Australian cousins. My + "Co." says that "the Bride" is a particularly pleasant young + person, thanks to her youth, good heart, and beauty. + However, it is questionable—taking her as a + sample—whether her "people" would "pan out" quite so + satisfactorily. On the whole it would seem that Australians + who have "made their pile" by buying and selling land are + better at a distance—say as Aborigines!</p> + + <p>It is also the opinion of my faithful "Co." that the + Clarendon Press series of <i>Rulers of India</i>, has never + contained a better volume than the <i>Life of Mayo</i>, a work + recently contributed by the Editor, Sir WILLIAM WILSON HUNTER. + Admirably written, the book gives in the pleasantest form + imaginable, a most eventful chapter in the History of + Hindostan. But more, the pages have a pathetic personal + interest, as the subject of the memoir was for many years + misunderstood, and consequently, misrepresented. Even the + <i>London Charivari</i> was unfair to the great Earl, but as + Sir WILLIAM hastens to say, "at his death stood first in its + generous acknowledgment of his real dessert, as it had led the + dropping fire of raillery three years before." The author has, + by publishing this most welcome addition to a capitally edited + series, added yet another item to the long list of services he + has rendered to our Empire in the distant East.</p> + + <p>Since Miss FLORENCE WARDEN'S <i>House on the Marsh</i>, says + the Baron, I have not read a more exciting tale than the same + authoress's <i>Pretty Miss Smith</i>. It should be swallowed + right off at a sitting, for if your interest in it is allowed + to cool during an interval, you may find it a little difficult + to get up the steam to the high-pressure point necessary for + the real enjoyment of a sensational story.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>SILENT SHAKSPEARE.</h3> + + <p>DEAR MR. EDITOR,</p> + + <p>The great success that has attended the production of + <i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i> at the Prince of Wales's Theatre has + encouraged me to make a suggestion in the cause of English Art. + Why not SHAKSPEARE in dumb show? The Bard himself introduced it + in "The Play Scene." Allow me to suggest it thus:—</p> + + <blockquote> + SCENE—<i>A more remote part of the Platform in + Elsinore Castle. Enter</i> GHOST; <i>then</i> HAMLET. + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i> (<i>in dumb show</i>). "Where wilt thou lead + me? Speak!" (<i>In dumb show.</i>) "I'll go no further."</p> + + <p><i>Ghost, by kissing his hand towards the horizon, shows + that his hour is almost come, when he is bound to render + himself to sulphurous and tormenting flames. The latter part of + his description is composed of his shrinking about the stage, + as if suffering from intense heat.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hamlet buries his face in his hands, and sobs pitifully, + expressing</i> "Alas, poor Ghost!"</p> + + <p><i>Ghost repudiates compassion by turning up his nose, and + throwing forward his hands; and then, by pointing from his + mouth to his ear, demands</i> HAMLET'S <i>serious + attention.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hamlet touches his own lips, points to</i> GHOST, + <i>slaps his heart, and bows, intimating that the</i> GHOST + <i>is to</i> "Speak!" <i>and he is</i> "bound to hear."</p> + + <p><i>Ghost explains that he is his father's spirit by + stroking</i> HAMLET'S <i>face, and then his own, and then + shrinks about the stage to weird music, descriptive of his + prison-house. He concludes by appealing to</i> HAMLET'S <i>love + for him by pressing his clasped hands to his own heart, and + then pointing towards the left-hand side of his son.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hamlet jerks his hands passionately upwards, as if + saying</i>, "Oh Heaven!"</p> + + <p><i>Ghost then asks for revenge by touching his dagger, and + pointing towards the sky. He acts the murder in the garden, + showing the serpent who stung him by gliding about the stage on + his chest, like the boneless man. He shows his murderer to be + of his own blood by walking up and down as himself, and then in + the same way, but with a slight limp, as if he were his + brother.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hamlet might here exhibit</i> "<i>Zadkiel's Almanack" + as</i> "prophetic," <i>and slap the sole of his shoe for</i> + "soul;" <i>for</i> "my Uncle" <i>it would be sufficient to + produce a pawnbroker's ticket</i>:—"Oh my prophetic soul! + Mine Uncle!"</p> + + <p><i>Then the Ghost in great detail acts the murder in the + orchard, imitating the apples and the singing birds, the + setting sun, &c., &c. He shows the composition of the + poison after its plucking from a bush, and its arrival in the + laboratory. He represents the actual pouring of the poison in + his ear. He hints too (by suggesting the action of the + bell-ringer) that he was never really mourned, and concludes a + most spirited Ballet d'Action by a rapid sketch of the paling + of the ineffectual fires of the glow-worm. As he leaves to the + music of</i> "Then you'll Remember Me," HAMLET <i>imitates + cockcrow, which brings the entertainment to an appropriate + termination.</i></p> + + <p>Surely this would be an improvement upon the conventional + reading? In this case where speech is silvern, silence would be + golden.</p> + + <p>Trusting some Manager will take the matter up,</p> + + <p class="center">I remain, always yours sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">A DUMB WAITER.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><b>OPERATIC NOTES.</b></p> + + <p><i>Monday.—Faust</i> and Foremost. Miss EAMES better + even than she was last week. NED DE RESZKÉ not so + diabolical a <i>Mephistopheles</i> as M. MAUREL.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>NEDDY RESZKÉ</p> + + <p>Not so goblineske,</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and a stouter sort of demon, but of course a "<i>bon + diable</i>."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/197.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197.png" + alt="Cards held by Druriolanus Operaticus." /></a> + Cards held by Druriolanus Operaticus. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Roméo et Julietta.</i> + JACK and NED DE RESZKÉ <i>Roméo</i> and <i>The + Friar</i>. Why the waltz alone, which ought to be on every + organ besides Miss EAMES'S, but which, strange to say, isn't + thoroughly popular, should be enough to make an Opera; but it's + like the proportion of one swallow in the composition of a + summer, and, however well sung, it does not do everything. It's + a dull Opera.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—<i>Carmen</i> again. House not + immense. Persons "of note" chiefly on the stage. JULIA same as + before; therefore refer to previous notice. Cab and carriage + service after the theatres everywhere wants reforming + altogether. We may not be worse off than in any other capital + of Europe, but we ought to be far ahead of them.</p> + + <p>Somebody or other complained of my writing "GLÜCK" + instead of "GLUCK," He didn't like the two dots; one too many + for the poor chap, already in his dotage, so to relieve him and + soothe him, I'll write it "GLUCK," and then he can go to the + proprietor of "DAVIDSON'S Libretto Books" and ask him to take + the dotlets off the "Ü" in GLÜCK. I wonder if my + strongly-spectacle'd fault-finder writes the name of HANDEL + correctly? I dare say so correct a person never falls into any + sort of error; or if he does, never admits it. I like it done + down to dots, as "HÄNDEL," myself; it looks so uncommonly + learned.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday.</i>—<i>Tannhäuser.</i> Full and + appreciative house to welcome the <i>rentrée</i> of + Madame ALBANI, who was simply perfection and the perfection of + simplicity as the self-sacrificing heroine <i>Elizabeth</i>. + From a certain Wagnerian-moral point of view, no better + impersonator,—dramatically at least, if not + operatically,—of the sensual Falstaffian Knight could be + found than Signer PEROTTI; and, from every point of view, no + finer representation of the Cyprian Venus than Mlle. SOFIA + RAVOGLI. M. MAUREL was admirable in every way as the moral + <i>Wolframo</i>, and Signor ABRAMOFF the gravest of Landgraves. + The full title of this Opera should be <i>Tannhäuser; or, + The Story of a Bard who sang a questionable kind of Song in the + highest Society, and what came of it.</i></p> + + <p>Fine effect at end of First Act, when prancing steeds, with + secondhand park-hack saddles, at quite half-a-crown an hour, + are brought in, and, on a striking tableau of bold but + impecunious warriors refusing to mount, the Curtain + descends.</p> + + <p>Then what pleasure to see <i>Albani-Elizabeth</i> receiving + the guests in Act II., varying the courtesies with an + affectionate embrace whenever a particular friend among the + ladies-of-the-court-chorus came in view. My LORD CHAMBERLAIN, + viewing the scene from his private box, must have picked up + many a hint for Court etiquette from studying this remarkable + scene. Then how familiar to us all is the arrangement of the + bards all in a row, like our old friends the Christy Minstrels, + <i>Tannhäuser</i> being the Tambourine, and <i>Wolfram</i> + the Bones! Charming. Great success. Repeat it by all means.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" + id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/198.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/198.png" + alt="Chivalry at the breakfast-table." /></a> + + <h3>CHIVALRY AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE.</h3>"NOW, COOK, JUST + YOU LOOK HERE! LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF BACON I'VE JUST GIVEN + YOUR MISTRESS! IT'S THE THICKEST AND WORST CUT I EVER SAW + IN MY LIFE!—AND THIS PIECE I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE + MYSELF IS <i>ONLY A LITTLE BETTER!</i>" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY, SIR!"</h3> + + <p class="center">A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Poor Income-Tax Payer, + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + + <p class="i2">My hope is almost dead;</p> + + <p>You hold the swag in that black bag,</p> + + <p class="i2">And high you lift your head.</p> + + <p>Some years I have been asking this,</p> + + <p class="i2">But no one heeds my plea.</p> + + <p>Will you not give me <i>something</i> then,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>This</i> year, good Mister G.?</p> + + <p class="i6">Oh! please give me a Penny!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You</i> won't say "no" to me,</p> + + <p>Because I'm poor, and feel the pinch</p> + + <p class="i2">Of dreadful "Schedule D"!</p> + + <p>You're so high-dried, and so correct,</p> + + <p class="i2">So honest and austere!</p> + + <p>Remember the full "Tanner," Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">I've stumped up year by year,</p> + + <p class="i6">And please give me a Penny!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + + <p class="i2">My Income is but small,</p> + + <p>And the hard Tax laid on our backs</p> + + <p class="i2">I <i>should</i> not pay at all.</p> + + <p>But I'm too feeble to resist,</p> + + <p class="i2">And do not like to lie;</p> + + <p>And Sixpence, under Schedule D,</p> + + <p class="i2">Torments me till I cry,</p> + + <p class="i6">Do please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Consols, or Dividends, or Rents</p> + + <p class="i2">Don't interest <i>me</i> much;</p> + + <p>"Goschens," reduced or otherwise,</p> + + <p class="i2">Are things <i>I</i> may not touch,</p> + + <p>Two hundred pounds per year, all told,</p> + + <p class="i2">Leaves little room for "exes;"</p> + + <p>And 'tisn't only <i>public</i> men</p> + + <p class="i2">That "lack of pence" much vexes.</p> + + <p class="i6">So please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The mysteries of High Finance</p> + + <p class="i2">I don't presume to plumb;</p> + + <p>So year by year my back they shear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sure that they'll find <i>me</i> + dumb.</p> + + <p>But the oft-trodden worm will turn;</p> + + <p class="i2">"Demand Notes" never slack;</p> + + <p>And "Schedule D" fast at twice three,</p> + + <p class="i2">Breaks the wage-earner's back.</p> + + <p class="i6">So please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The moneyed swells who make "returns,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Much at their own sweet will,</p> + + <p>Don't gauge the poor clerk's scanty purse,</p> + + <p class="i2">The small shopkeeper's till,</p> + + <p>How hard 'tis to make both ends meet,</p> + + <p class="i2">When hard times tightly nip;</p> + + <p>Or how small incomes sorely feel</p> + + <p class="i2">The annual sixpenny dip.</p> + + <p class="i6">So please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis heard on every side,</p> + + <p>Muttered by poverty's pinched lip,</p> + + <p class="i2">Silent so long—from pride.</p> + + <p>Ah! listen to their pleadings, Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">And pity the true poor,</p> + + <p>Whose life is one long fight to keep</p> + + <p class="i2">The wolf from the house-door.</p> + + <p class="i6">Oh, please give me a Penny, Sir!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"ROOSE IN URBE."—Dr. ROBSON ROOSE has returned to town + after a trip to Madeira.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>"SWEET STRIFE."</h4> + + <p class="center"><i>By an Unionist M.P.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When PARNELL's mocked by HEALY,</p> + + <p>In strident voice and squealy;</p> + + <p>When HEALY'S snubbed by PARNELL,</p> + + <p>In voice as from the charnel—</p> + + <p>I understand the windy</p> + + <p>Wild charm of WAGNER'S shindy.</p> + + <p>Discord <i>may</i> be melodious,</p> + + <p>When Harmony sounds odious;</p> + + <p>Than <i>Israfel</i> more dear is</p> + + <p>Old Erin's latest <i>Eris!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>THE <i>IN</i>-KERRECT KERR.</h4> + + <p>IT was once said that Pianos may now be had on "MOORE and + MOORE" easy terms every day. Mrs. WALTER found that those "easy + terms" involved such pleasures as returning the instrument she + had paid many instalments on, getting an order from the + masterful Mr. Commissioner KERR to pay costs as well, and + committal to prison for three weeks on the charge of "contempt + of Court"—for disobeying an order which Justices SMITH + and GRANTHAM declare the genial Commissioner had no sort of + right to make!!!</p> + + <p>If this is the "hire-purchase system," a piano-less life is + infinitely preferable to braving its manifold perils and + penalties. Easy terms, indeed? Yes,—about as "easy" as + "easy shaving" with a serrated oyster-knife! Mrs. WALTER'S fate + should be a warning to would-be piano-purchasers, and, <i>Mr. + Punch</i> would fain hope, to exacting System-workers and + arbitrary Commissioners.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" + id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/199.png" + alt="Please give me a penny!" /></a> + + <h2>"PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY!"</h2>NEEDY INCOME-TAX PAYER + (loq.). "HOPE YOU WON'T FORGET ME <i>THIS TIME</i>, SIR!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <!-- page 200 blank --> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" + id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + + <h3>FOR BETTER OR WORSE!</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Two Views of the Same Subject.</i>)</p> + + <p class="center">POSSIBLE ROMANCE.</p> + + <blockquote> + SCENE—<i>A Dungeon beneath the Castle Moat. Wife + chained to a post, with bread and water beside her. Enter + Husband, with cat-o'-nine-tails.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Husband.</i> And now, after ten days' seclusion, will you + make over your entire property to me, signing the deed with + your life's blood?</p> + + <p><i>Wife</i> (<i>in a feeble voice</i>). Never! You may kill + me, but I will defy you to the last!</p> + + <p><i>Husband.</i> Then die! + [<i>He is about to leave the + dungeon, when he is met by a Messenger from the Court of + Appeal.</i></p> + + <p><i>Messenger.</i> In the name of the Law, release your + prisoner!</p> + + <p><i>Husband.</i> Foiled! + [<i>Joy of</i> Wife, <i>and + tableau, as the Curtain falls.</i></p> + + <p class="center">PROBABLE REALITY.</p> + + <blockquote> + SCENE—<i>The Church-door of a fashionable Church. + Wife bidding adieu to Husband.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Husband.</i> Surely, now that my name and fortune are + yours, you will reconsider your decision, and at least + accompany me back to our wedding breakfast?</p> + + <p><i>Wife</i> (<i>in a firm voice</i>). Never! You may kill + me, but I will defy you to the last!</p> + + <p><i>Husband.</i> This is rank nonsense! You must take my arm. + [<i>He is about to leave the + Church-porch, when he is met by a Messenger from the Court of + Appeal.</i></p> + + <p><i>Messenger.</i> In the name of the Law, release your + prisoner!</p> + + <p><i>Husband.</i> Sold! [<i>Joy + of Wife, and tableau, as the Curtain falls.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p class="center">"WHAT'S IN A NAME?"</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The "Cony" is feeble, the Bear's a rough bore.</p> + + <p>But CONYBEARE'S both, and perhaps a bit more!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/201a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201a.png" + alt="Smart new boy in cloak-room" /></a> SMART NEW BOY + IN CLOAK-ROOM HAS NOTED GENTLEMEN SHUTTING UP THEIR + CRUSH HATS, AND PROMPTLY FLATTENS DE JONES'S BEST SILK + TOPPER! + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/201b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201b.png" + alt="The Other Man." /></a> + </div> + + <h3>THE OTHER MAN.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My health is good, I know no pain,</p> + + <p class="i2">I am not married to a wife;</p> + + <p>From all accounts I'm fairly sane,</p> + + <p class="i2">And yet I'm sick to death of life.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The path that leads to wealth and fame</p> + + <p class="i2">Cannot be traversed in a day;</p> + + <p>I find it twice as hard a game,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because a spectre bars the way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It has no terrors such as his</p> + + <p class="i2">Away from which the children ran;</p> + + <p>It's not the Bogey, but it <i>is</i></p> + + <p class="i16">The Other Man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I met a girl, she seemed to be</p> + + <p class="i2">A kind of vision from above.</p> + + <p>She wasn't—but, alas! for me,</p> + + <p class="i2">I weakly went and fell in love.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her father was a <i>millionnaire</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which didn't make me love her less.</p> + + <p>I thought her quite beyond compare,</p> + + <p class="i2">And gave long odds she'd answer + "Yes."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She thrilled me with each lovely look</p> + + <p class="i2">She gave me from behind her fan,</p> + + <p>She took my heart, and then she took—</p> + + <p class="i16">The Other Man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell to Love! I thought I'd try</p> + + <p class="i2">My level best to get a post;</p> + + <p>The salary was not too high,</p> + + <p class="i2">Two hundred pounds a-year at most.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Committeemen in conclave sat,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their questions all were cut and + dried:</p> + + <p>Oh, was I this? And did I that?</p> + + <p class="i2">And twenty thousand things + beside—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As did I smoke? and could I play</p> + + <p class="i2">At golf? or did I get the gout?</p> + + <p>And—most important—could I say</p> + + <p class="i2">My mother knew that I was out?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then two were chosen. Should I "do"?</p> + + <p class="i2">Perhaps!—and, just as I began</p> + + <p>To hope, of course they gave it to</p> + + <p class="i16">The Other Man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All uselessly I've learnt to swear</p> + + <p class="i2">And use expressions that are vile;</p> + + <p>In vain, in vain I've torn my hair</p> + + <p class="i2">In quite the most artistic style.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet one thing would I gladly learn—</p> + + <p class="i2">Yes, tell me quickly, if you + can—</p> + + <p>Shall I be also, in my turn,</p> + + <p class="i16">The Other Man?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>THE KEY TO A LOCK.</h4> + + <blockquote> + ["A lock of ——'s hair, set in a small + gold-rimmed case, and said to be an ancient family + possession, was knocked down for forty pounds."] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take yonder lock of tangled hair,</p> + + <p class="i2">A silver seamed with sable,</p> + + <p>Dim harbinger from dreamland fair</p> + + <p class="i2">Of reverie and fable;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take,</p> + + <p class="i2">A trinket loved, if little,</p> + + <p>And wear it, darling, for my sake,</p> + + <p class="i2">In yonder locket brittle;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Small, as my banker's balance, small</p> + + <p class="i2">And faint—a touching token;</p> + + <p>My luck, the lock, the locket, all</p> + + <p class="i2">Seem, child, a trifle broken.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Investments, boy, are looking glum;</p> + + <p class="i2">They flit and fade; in fine a</p> + + <p>Not inconsiderable sum</p> + + <p class="i2">Has gone to—Argentina.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nay, chide me not; one day, refilled</p> + + <p class="i2">By these, may shine your pocket,</p> + + <p>And Fortune's resurrection gild</p> + + <p class="i2">The lock within the locket.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Because, you see, when strong and sage</p> + + <p class="i2">You grow, and all the serried</p> + + <p>Lights of the great Victorian age</p> + + <p class="i2">With me are quenched and buried;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When other men in other days</p> + + <p class="i2">Walk paramount—then shall you</p> + + <p>Submit the thing to such as praise</p> + + <p class="i2">The Past, its relics value.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The curl was worn, you'll tell your friends,</p> + + <p class="i2">By TENNYSON or BROWNING</p> + + <p>(The detail of the name depends</p> + + <p class="i2">On who is worth renowning).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You'll vaunt that one who knew the grand</p> + + <p class="i2">Victorian Stars, and rather</p> + + <p>Deserved himself to join the band</p> + + <p class="i2">(In fact your father's father),</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who, past expression, loved whate'er</p> + + <p class="i2">The market cottons <i>then</i> to,</p> + + <p>Committed to your childish care</p> + + <p class="i2">This genuine memento.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You'll catalogue it, as befalls</p> + + <p class="i2">Your choice, my little gran'son;</p> + + <p>You'll bear it to the deathless halls</p> + + <p class="i2">Of CHRISTIE, WOODS, AND MANSON.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, when the fateful hammer sounds,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you have cashed in rhino</p> + + <p>A cheque for, haply, forty pounds,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll bless your grandsire, I know;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who, while his fortunes failed, and much</p> + + <p class="i2">Was life's horizon o'ercast,</p> + + <p><i>Created</i> souvenirs with such</p> + + <p class="i2">A keen, commercial forecast.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" + id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/202.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/202.png" + alt="Sir William Variety Harcourt." /></a> + + <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS—SIR WILLIAM VARIETY + HARCOURT.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" + id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + + <h3>BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Fragment from a Romance founded upon + evidence given before the Select Committee upon + Dram-drinking.</i>)</p> + + <p>"I really think the experiment should be made," said the + Professor. "Our knowledge on the subject is so imperfect, that + nothing definite can be accurately pronounced."</p> + + <p>"True enough," replied one of his friends; "but although the + end to be attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by + the scrupulous 'questionable?'"</p> + + <p>"By the over-scrupulous, perhaps," returned the Professor, + with a smile.</p> + + <p>"And the expense," observed a second of his intimates, "will + be no small consideration. If we put the matter to a thorough + test, a large quantity—a very large quantity of the + necessary liquid will have to be purchased and disposed of. Am + I not right in hazarding this supposition?"</p> + + <p>"Undoubtedly," responded the Professor, "and the cost will + be enhanced by the fact that the necessary liquids will have to + be of the best possible quality. As Dr. PAVEY observed before + the Committee 'It is not the alcohol in itself that is + injurious, but the by-products.' Our aim must be to eliminate + the by-products."</p> + + <p>"I think the idea first-rate," said the third friend; and + then he paused and added, seemingly as an after-thought, "Pass + the bottle."</p> + + <p>So the Professor and his three companions decided to make + the investigation in the cause of scientific research. It was + resolved that after a week they should meet again, and that in + the meanwhile they should in their own persons carry on the + experiment continuously. When this had been arranged the + friends parted company.</p> + + <p>At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a + concrete fact. The Professor's friends were the first to appear + at the rendezvous. They were unsteady as to their gait, their + neckties were in disorder and their hair falling carelessly + over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an eyesight that + seemingly was temporarily defective. They sank into three + chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually + resolved itself into a frown. Then they filled up the pause + caused by the non-appearance of the Professor by weeping + silently. Their emotion was not of long duration, as the + originator of the experiment was soon in their midst. He seemed + to be in excellent health and spirits.</p> + + <p>"My dear friend," he said, and it was noticeable that he was + prone to clip his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of + the plural, when the latter would have been more conventional, + "My dear friend, glad see you all. Hope you well."</p> + + <p>His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a + resentful frown, which ended in further weeping.</p> + + <p>"This very painful," continued the Professor, resting his + hand somewhat heavily on the back of a chair; "very painful + indeed! Fact is, you been taking wrong things!"</p> + + <p>His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively.</p> + + <p>"Yes you have! Sure of it! You, Sir—imbibed whiskey! + No harm in good whiskey—excellent thing, good whiskey! + But injuriverius—should say, injurious—if has too + much flavour of malt! Your whiskey too much flavour of malt! + You took brandy—bad brandy—too much taste of + grapes! You took rum—bad rum—too much + mo—mo—molasses! Now I took all three—whiskey, + brandy, rum, but pure—no by-products. No, not at all. + Result! See! Sober as judge!"</p> + + <p>And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the + Professor, at this point of his discourse, joined his friends + under the table!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/203.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/203.png" + alt="Cycling Notes." /></a> + + <h4>CYCLING NOTES.</h4> + + <p><i>He.</i> "DO YOU BELONG TO THE PSYCHICAL SOCIETY?"</p> + + <p><i>She.</i> "NO; BUT I SOMETIMES GO OUT ON MY BROTHER'S + MACHINE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h4> + + <p><i>March 20. "George Hotel," Billsbury.</i>—Arrived + here yesterday afternoon. Mother made up her mind to come with + me, being very anxious, she said, to hear one of my splendid + speeches. She brought luggage enough to last for a week, and + insisted on taking her poodle <i>Carlo</i>, who was an awful + nuisance, in the train. He growled horribly at old TOLLAND and + BLISSOP when they came to see me at the Hotel before dinner. + Very awkward. TOLLAND wanted to put before me the state of the + case with regard to registration expenses. The upshot was that + the Candidate is expected to subscribe £80 a year to the + Association for this purpose, which I eventually agreed to do. + Found fourteen letters waiting for me. No. 1 was from Miss + POSER, the Secretary of the Billsbury Women's Suffrage League, + asking me to receive a small deputation on the question, and to + lay my views before them. No. 2 from the Anti-Vaccination + League, stating that a deputation had been appointed to meet + me, in order to learn my views, and requesting me to fix a + date. No. 3 and No. 4, from two local lodges of Oddfellows, + each declaring it to be of the highest importance that I should + become an Oddfellow and proposing dates for my initiation. Nos. + 5, 6 and 7 were from Secretaries of funds for the restoration + or building of Churches and Chapels, appealing for + subscriptions. Nos. 8, 9, and 10, from three more local Cricket + Clubs, who have elected me an Honorary Member, and want + subscriptions. No. 11 from a Children's Meat Tea Fund. No. 12 + asked me to subscribe to a Bazaar, and to attend its opening in + June. No. 13, from the local Fire Brigade, and No. 14 from the + Secretary of the Local Society for improving the Breed of + Bullfinches, recommending this "national object" to my + favourable notice. Shall have to keep a Secretary, likewise a + book of accounts. Where is it all going to end?</p> + + <p>The Mass Meeting went off well enough. The Assembly Rooms + were crammed. (The <i>Meteor</i> says, with its usual accuracy + and <i>good taste</i>, "The attendance was small, the + proceedings were dull. A wonderful amount of stale Jingoism was + afterwards swept up by the caretakers from the floor. Our + Conservative friends are so wasteful.") I was adopted as + Candidate almost unanimously, only ten hands being held up + against me. One or two questions were asked—one about + local option, which rather stumped me—but I managed to + express great sympathy with the Temperance party without, I + hope, offending publicans.</p> + + <p><i>Carlo</i> somehow or other got out of the hotel and + followed us to the meeting without being noticed. Poodles are + all as cunning as Old Nick. He lay quite low in some corner or + other, until Colonel CHORKLE was in the middle of a tremendous + appeal to "the stainless banner which 'as so often been borne + to triumph by Billsbury's embattled chivalry." The Colonel + thumped on the table very hard, and <i>Carlo</i>, I suppose, + had his eye on him and thought he was going to thump me. At any + rate he sprang out and dashed at the Colonel, barking + furiously. I had to seize him and take him outside. The Colonel + turned quite pale. <i>The Meteor</i> says: "The war-like ardour + which burns in the breast of Colonel CHORKLE was well-nigh + extinguished by an intelligent dog, whose interruptions + provoked immense applause." I had to apologise profusely to the + Colonel afterwards. Mrs. CHORKLE looked daggers at me. Mother + was delighted with the meeting. She has written about it to + Aunt AMELIA.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" + id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span> + + <h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, April 13.</i>—So + long since Lord STALBRIDGE parted company from RICHARD + GROSVENOR that he forgets manners and customs of House of + Commons. Not being satisfied with choice made by Committee of + Selection of certain Members on Committee dealing with Railway + Rates and Charges, STALBRIDGE writes peremptory letter to + Chairman, giving him severe wigging; correspondence gets into + newspapers; House of Commons, naturally enough, very angry. Not + going to stand this sort of thing from a mere Peer, even though + he be Chairman of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case + of privilege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front + Bench, or by WHITBREAD, or some other Member of standing. + Somehow, whilst thing being thought over and talked about, + SEXTON undertakes to see it through. As soon as questions over + tonight, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically + impressive manner, announces intention of putting certain + questions to JOHN MOWBRAY, Chairman of Committee of Selection. + Ordinary man would have put his questions and sat down. But + this a great occasion for SEXTON. Domestic difficulties in + Irish Party kept him away from Westminster for many weeks. No + opportunity for Windbag to come into action; now is the time, + as champion of privileges of House of Commons. Position one of + some difficulty. Not intending to conclude with a Motion, he + would be out of order in making a speech. Could only ask + question. Question couldn't possibly extend over two minutes; + two minutes, nothing: with the Windbag full, bursting after + compulsory quiescence since Parliament opened.</p> + + <p>SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from + time to time moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like + going to interrupt, SEXTON lapsed into interrogatory, which put + him in order; then went on again, patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, + posing as champion of privileges of House, and so thoroughly + enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person + could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't + SEXTON'S funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/204a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204a.png" + alt="A Cameron Man." /></a> A Cameron Man. + </div> + + <p>"No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be + STALBRIDGE'S; but I fancy SEXTON will save him from full + inconvenience of the ceremony."</p> + + <p>So it turned out; House tired of business long before + Windbag SEXTON had blown himself out. Poor JOHN MOWBRAY + admittedly flabber-ghasted by the interminable string of + questions under which SEXTON had tried to disguise his speech. + STALBRIDGE got off without direct censure, and DONALD CAMERON + abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Irish Land + Bill.</p> + + <p><i>House of Lords, Tuesday.</i>—Lords met to-night + after Easter Recess; come together with a feeling that since + last they met a gap been made in their ranks that can never be + filled. The gentle GRANVILLE'S seat is occupied by another. + Never more will the Peers look upon his kindly face, or hear + his lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite + phrase.</p> + + <p>KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe + man; one of the rare kind whose reputation stands highest with + the innermost circle of those who work and live with him. To + the outside world, the man in the street, KIMBERLEY is an + expression; some not quite sure whether he isn't a territory in + South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course; listened to with + respect, much as HALLAM'S <i>Constitutional History of + England</i> is occasionally read. But when tonight he rises + from GRANVILLE'S seat and makes a speech that, with + readjustment of circumstance, GRANVILLE himself would have + made, an assembly not emotional feels with keen pang how much + it has lost.</p> + + <p>The MARKISS should be here. Perhaps for himself it is as + well he's away. To him, more than anyone else in the House, the + newly filled space on the Bench opposite is of direful import. + _The MARKISS has no peer now GRANVILLE is gone; the two were in + all characteristics and mental attitudes absolutely opposed, + and yet, like oil and vinegar, the mixing perfected the salad + of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at + one side of the table talking at large to the House, but with + his eye fixed on GRANVILLE; at the other, the dapper figure, + with its indescribable air of old-fashioned gentlemanhood, the + light of his smile shed impartially on the benches opposite, + but his slight bow reserved for the MARKISS, as, leaning across + the table, he pinked him under the fifth rib with glittering + rapier—this is a sight that will never more gladden the + eye in the House of Lords. GRANVILLE was the complement of the + MARKISS; the MARKISS was to GRANVILLE an incentive to his + bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet to touch shield + with lance across the table in the Lords. LYCIDAS is dead, not + ere his prime, it is true;</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone,</p> + + <p>Now thou art gone, and never must return!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that CRANBROOK, + KIMBERLEY, DERBY, and SELBORNE strummed their lament. But, + speaking from different points of view, without pre-concert, + they struck the same chord in recognising the ever unruffled + gentleness of the nature of LYCIDAS—a gentleness not born + of weakness, a sweetness of disposition that did not + unwholesomely cloy. Only Mr. G. could have fitly spoken the + eulogy of GRANVILLE. After him, the task belonged to the + MARKISS, and it was a pity that circumstances prevented his + undertaking it. <i>Business done</i>,—Irish Land Bill in + Commons.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Brer FOX turned up today, + unexpectedly. So did MAURICE HEALY, even more unexpectedly. + Irish Sunday Closing Bill under discussion. Great bulk of Irish + Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by + Windbag SEXTON. Belfast Publicans, who find their business + threatened, insist that he shall oppose the Bill; does so + accordingly, separating himself from his party. Brer FOX + quickly seized the opportunity; he, too, on he side of the + Publicans, who hold the purse, and, money (like some of their + customers) is tight. So PARNELL lavishly compliments Windbag + SEXTON on his "large and patriotic view"; hisses out his scorn + for the Liberal Party; declares that Ireland abhors the + measure, which he calls a New Coercion Bill.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/204b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204b.png" + alt="The mildest-mannered Man." /></a> "The + mildest-mannered Man." + </div> + + <p>Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, + looking less like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet + voice, sounds clearly through the House, and Mr. MAURICE HEALY + is discovered denying Brer FOX'S right to speak on this or any + other public question for the constituency of Cork.</p> + + <p>"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking + young man continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me + about contesting the seat."</p> + + <p>That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers + that rang through House told how they had gone home.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Irish Sunday Closing Bill read + Second Time.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/204c.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204c.png" + alt="Grandolph" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—GRANDOLPH looked in for few minutes + before dinner. A little difficulty with doorkeeper. So + disguised under beard, that failed to recognise him; thought he + was a stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when GRANDOLPH + turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of + lightning.</p> + + <p>"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the + safety of his chair with alacrity.</p> + + <p>GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to + the manifest chagrin of his jilted moustache.</p> + + <p>"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; + don't know whether I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland + wants a King, and insists upon my accepting the Crown, not sure + I shall refuse."</p> + + <p>"GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he + swung through the Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same + man since he grew it.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">"There was a Young Man with a beard,</p> + + <p class="i16">Who said, 'It is just as I feared!</p> + + <p class="i16">Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a + Wren,</p> + + <p class="i16">Have all built their nests in my + beard.'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Committee on Irish Land Bill + Dropping into Poetry, again.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="margin-bottom:8em"> + <img src="images/pointer.png" + alt="pointer" /> + </div> + + <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</b></p><br clear="all" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +100, April 25, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14277-h.htm or 14277-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/2/7/14277/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 25, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #14277] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +April 25th, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite._) + +No. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_A Sitting-room cheerfully decorated in dark colours. Broad + doorway, hung with black crape, in the wall at back, leading to a back + Drawing-room, in which, above a sofa in black horsehair, hangs a + posthumous portrait of the late_ General GABLER. _On the piano is a + handsome pall. Through the glass panes of the back Drawing-room window + are seen a dead wall and a cemetery. Settees, sofas, chairs, &c., + handsomely upholstered in black bombazine, and studded with small round + nails. Bouquets of immortelles and dead grasses are lying everywhere + about._ + +_Enter_ Aunt JULIE (_a good-natured looking lady in a smart hat_). + +_Aunt J._ Well, I declare, if I believe GEORGE or HEDDA are up yet! +(_Enter_ GEORGE TESMAN, _humming, stout, careless, spectacled._) Ah, my +dear boy, I have called before breakfast to inquire how you and HEDDA are +after returning late last night from your long honeymoon. Oh, dear me, yes; +am I not your old Aunt, and are not these attentions usual in Norway? + +_George._ Good Lord, yes! My six months' honeymoon has been quite a little +travelling scholarship, eh? I have been examining archives. Think of +_that_! Look here, I'm going to write a book all about the domestic +interests of the Cave-dwellers during the Deluge. I'm a clever young +Norwegian man of letters, eh? + +_Aunt J._ Fancy your knowing about that too! Now, dear me, thank Heaven! + +_George._ Let me, as a dutiful Norwegian nephew, untie that smart, showy +hat of yours. (_Unties it, and pats her under the chin._) Well, to be sure, +you have got yourself really up,--fancy that! [_He puts hat on chair +close to table._ + +_Aunt J._ (_giggling_). It was for HEDDA'S sake--to go out walking with her +in. (HEDDA _approaches from the back-room; she is pallid, with cold, open, +steel-grey eyes; her hair is not very thick, but what there is of it is an +agreeable medium brown._) Ah, dear HEDDA! [_She attempts to cuddle +her._ + +_Hedda_ (_shrinking back_). Ugh, let me go, do! (_Looking at_ Aunt JULIE'S +_hat._) TESMAN, you must really tell the housemaid not to leave her old hat +about on the drawing-room chairs. Oh, is it _your_ hat? Sorry I spoke, I'm +sure! + +_Aunt J._ (_annoyed_). Good gracious, little Mrs. HEDDA; my nice new hat +that I bought to go out walking with _you_ in! + +_George_ (_patting her on the back_). Yes, HEDDA, she did, and the parasol +too! Fancy, Aunt JULIE always positively thinks of everything, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_coldly_). You hold _your_ tongue. Catch me going out walking with +your aunt! One doesn't _do_ such things. + +_George_ (_beaming_). Isn't she a charming woman? Such fascinating manners! +My goodness, eh? Fancy that! + +_Aunt J._ Ah, dear GEORGE, you ought indeed to be happy--but (_brings out a +flat package wrapped in newspaper_) look _here_, my dear boy! + +_George_ (_opens it_). What? my dear old morning shoes! my slippers! +(_Breaks down._) This is positively too touching, HEDDA, eh? Do you +remember how badly I wanted them all the honeymoon? Come and just have a +look at them--you _may_! + +_Hedda._ Bother your old slippers and your old aunt too! (Aunt JULIE _goes +out annoyed, followed by_ GEORGE, _still thanking her warmly for the +slippers_; HEDDA _yawns_; GEORGE _comes back and places his old slippers +reverently on the table._) Why, here comes Mrs. ELVSTED--_another_ early +caller! She had irritating hair, and went about making a sensation with +it--an old flame of yours, I've heard. + +_Enter Mrs._ ELVSTED; _she is pretty and gentle, with copious wavy +white-gold hair and round prominent eyes, and the manner of a frightened +rabbit._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_nervous_). Oh, please, I'm so perfectly in despair. EJLERT +LOeVBORG, you know, who was our Tutor; he's written such a large new book. I +inspired him. Oh, I know I don't look like it--but I did--he told me so. +And, good gracious, now he's in this dangerous wicked town all alone, and +he's a reformed character, and I'm _so_ frightened about him; so, as the +wife of a Sheriff twenty years older than me, I came up to look after Mr. +LOeVBORG. Do ask him here--then I can meet him. You will? How perfectly +lovely of you! My husband's _so_ fond of him! + +_Hedda._ GEORGE, go and write an invitation at once; do you hear? (GEORGE +_looks around for his slippers, takes them up and goes out._) Now we can +talk, my little THEA. Do you remember how I used to pull your hair when we +met on the stairs, and say I would scorch it off? Seeing people with +copious hair always _does_ irritate me. + +_Mrs. E._ Goodness, yes, you were always so playful and friendly, and I was +so afraid of you. I am still. And please, I've run away from my husband. +Everything around him was distasteful to me. And Mr. LOeVBORG and I were +comrades--he was dissipated, and I got a sort of power over him, and he +made a real person out of me--which I wasn't before, you know; but, oh, I +do hope I'm real now. He talked to me and taught me to think--chiefly of +him. So, when Mr. LOeVBORG came here, naturally I came too. There was +nothing else to do! And fancy, there is another woman whose shadow still +stands between him and me! She wanted to shoot him once, and so, of course, +he can never forget her. I wish I knew her name--perhaps it was that +red-haired opera-singer? + +_Hedda_ (_with cold self-command_). Very likely--but nobody does that sort +of thing here. Hush! Run away now. Here comes TESMAN with Judge BRACK. +(Mrs. E. _goes out_; GEORGE _comes in with_ Judge BRACK, _who is a short +and elastic gentleman, with a round face, carefully brushed hair, and +distinguished profile._) How awfully funny you do look by daylight, Judge! + +[Illustration: "I am a gay Norwegian dog."] + +_Brack_ (_holding his hat and dropping his eye-glass_). Sincerest thanks. +Still the same graceful manners, dear little Mrs. HED--TESMAN! I came to +invite dear TESMAN to a little bachelor-party to celebrate his return from +his long honeymoon. It is customary in Scandinavian society. It will be a +lively affair, for I am a gay Norwegian dog. + +_George._ Asked out--without my wife! Think of that! Eh? Oh, dear me, yes, +_I_'ll come! + +_Brack._ By the way, LOeVBORG is here; he has written a wonderful book, +which has made a quite extraordinary sensation. Bless me, yes! + +_George._ LOeVBORG--fancy! Well, I _am_--glad. Such marvellous gifts! And I +was so painfully certain he had gone to the bad. Fancy that, eh? But what +will become of him _now_, poor fellow, eh? I _am_ so anxious to know! + +_Brack._ Well, he may possibly put up for the Professorship against you, +and, though you _are_ an uncommonly clever man of letters--for a +Norwegian--it's not wholly improbable that he may cut you out! + +_George._ But, look here, good Lord, Judge BRACK!--(_gesticulating_)--that +would show an incredible want of consideration for me! I married on my +chance of _getting_ that Professorship. A man like LOeVBORG, too, who hasn't +even been respectable, eh? One doesn't do such things as that! + +_Brack._ Really? You forget we are all realistic and unconventional persons +here, and do all kinds of odd things. But don't worry yourself! [_He +goes out._ + +_George_ (_to Hedda_). Oh, I say, HEDDA, what's to become of our Fairyland +now, eh? We can't have a liveried servant, or give dinner-parties, or have +a horse for riding. Fancy that! + +_Hedda_ (_slowly, and wearily_). No, we shall really have to set up as +Fairies in reduced circumstances, now. + +_George_ (_cheering up_). Still, we shall see Aunt JULIE every day, and +_that_ will be something, and I've got back my old slippers. We shan't be +altogether without some amusements, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_crosses the floor_). Not while I have _one_ thing to amuse myself +with, at all events. + +_George_ (_beaming with joy_). Oh, Heaven be praised and thanked for that! +My goodness, so you have! And what may _that_ be, HEDDA, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_at the doorway, with suppressed scorn_). Yes, GEORGE, you have +the old slippers of the attentive Aunt, and I have the horse-pistols of the +deceased General! + +_George_ (_in an agony_). The pistols! Oh, my goodness! _what_ pistols? + +_Hedda_ (_with cold eyes_). General GABLER'S pistols--same which I +shot--(_recollecting herself_)--no, that's THACKERAY, not IBSEN--a _very_ +different person. [_She goes through the back Drawing-room._ + +_George_ (_at doorway, shouting after her_). Dearest HEDDA, _not_ those +dangerous things, eh? Why, they have never once been known to shoot +straight yet! Don't! Have a catapult. For _my_ sake, have a catapult! +[_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +Bow-Wow! + + The RAIKES' teeth were bared--a most terrible sight!-- + At the Messenger Companies. Now all seems joy + For the Public, the P.O., the Co., and the Boy! + The Dog in the Manger JOHN BULL did affright, + But--his bark is perhaps rather worse than his bite! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONS OF BRITANNIA; OR, THE UNITED SERVICE. + +[The Senior Admiral of the Fleet, SIR PROVO WILLIAM PARRY WALLIS, G.C.B., +who was in the action between the British Frigate _Shannon_ and the +American Frigate _Chesapeake_ on June 1st, 1813 (taking command of the +_Shannon_ after the disabling of Captain BROKE), celebrated the hundredth +anniversary of his birthday on April 12th, 1891. + +Lieutenant GRANT "displayed great bravery and judgment" (_Times_) in the +defence of Thobal against the Manipuris, April, 1891.]] + + * * * * * + +SONS OF BRITANNIA. + +1813--1891. + +_Britannia loquitur_:-- + + From Boston Bay to Thobal fort + Is a far cry, but bravery bridges + The centuries, and of space makes sport. + The shot that swept the salt sea-ridges + When VERE BROKE of the _Shannon_ smote + The foe, and, struck, left WALLIS smiting,-- + Sends echoes down the years that float + To Thobal o'er the sounds of fighting. + Memories of greatness make men great! + Brave centenarian, you with pleasure + May greet the youth who guard our State. + You, whose long memories can measure + So wide a sweep of England's war, + Must joy to see her served as boldly + As in those sad mad days afar, + When, gazing on her children coldly, + She alienated kindred hearts, + Which might till now have beaten loyal. + At least you both played well _your_ parts, + Though blunderers blind, official, royal, + May then or now have marred the work + Of arduous years, and gallant spirits, + My sons at least no peril shirk, + Valour from age to age inherits. + The old tradition, duteous stands + For the old Flag, wherever flying! + Brave WALLIS, gallant GRANT, clasp hands! + My sons! Unfaltering, undying, + Beneath grey hairs, or youth's brown locks, + The spirit proud of patriot valour! + Not desperate odds in war's wild shocks + Shall strike its flush to craven pallor. + Mud-fort, or "mealey" bastion, deck + Of shot-torn ship, or red "death-valley," + What odds? Of danger nought I reck, + Whilst thus my sons to me can rally. + Come what, come will! Whilst centuried age + And youth in Spring strike hands before me, + Let foemen band, let battle rage, + You'll keep my Flag still flying o'er me! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GENERAL IDEA" + +HITTING ON A NOVEL PLAN FOR OUR COAST DEFENCES.] + + * * * * * + +The Yankee Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel. + + Our people will not stand it--no! + Of Fiction, limp or strong, + Yanks want but little here below, + Nor want that little _long_! + (But oh! our (Saxon) stars one thanks, + Romance is _not_ (yet) ruled by Yanks!) + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +THE TAX-COLLECTOR'S HEART. + + I know his step, his ring, his knock, + I hear him, too, explain, + With emphasis my nerves that shock, + That he "won't call again!" + I know that bodes a coming storm-- + A summons looms a-head! + I follow his retreating form, + And note his stealthy tread! + Some grace to beg, implore, beseech, + 'Twere vain! Let him depart! + I know no human cry can reach + That Tax-Collector's heart! + + He kept his word. To claim that rate + He never called again. + An outraged Vestry, loth to wait, + Soon made their purpose plain. + I know not how, I missed the day,-- + But that fell summons came. + Two shillings costs it took to play + That Tax-Collector's game. + I own the outlay was not much! + But, _that_ is not the smart: + 'Tis that no anguished shriek can touch + That Tax-Collector's heart! + + * * * * * + +"MORS ET VITA."--A fine performance, April 15, at Albert Hall, with ALBANI, +HILDA WILSON, Messrs. LLOYD, and WATKIN MILLS, and Dr. MACKENZIE, as +conductor or con-doctor. I should have given, writes our correspondent, a +full and enthusiastic account of it, but that I was bothered all the time +by two persons near me, who would talk and wouldn't listen. Thank goodness, +they didn't stay throughout the performance. In a theatre they'd have been +hushed down, but this is such a big place that a talking duet is heard only +in the immediate neighbourhood of the talkers; and then no one wants to +have a row during the performance of sacred music. It's like brawling in +church. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +THE TITHES QUESTION.--I am the Vicar of a country Church in Wales; but +owing to the total failure of my last attempt to distrain on the stock of a +neighbouring farmer, on which occasion I was tossed over a hedge by an +infuriated cow, my family and myself are starving. I wish to know if I can +legally pawn the lectern, the ancient carved pulpit, and several rare old +sedilia in the Church? Or they would be exchanged for an immediate supply +of their value in groceries.--URGENT. + +ANNOYANCE FROM NEIGHBOUR.--I live in a quiet street, and my next-door +neighbour has suddenly converted his house into a Fried Fish Shop. Some of +his boxes protrude into my front garden. Have I the right of seizing them, +and eating contents, supposing them to be fit for human consumption? My +house is perpetually filled with the aroma of questionable herrings, and +very pronounced haddocks. I have asked, politely, for compensation, and +received only bad language. What should be my next step?--PERPLEXED. + +DEED OF GIFT.--Upon my eldest son's marriage I wish to make him a really +handsome money present. My idea is to hand over to him L100, on condition +that he repays me ten per cent, as long as I live, my age now being +forty-five. Then as to security. Had I better get a Bill of Sale on the +furniture, which he has just had given him by his wife's father for their +new house, or how can I most effectually bind him?--GENEROUS PARENT. + +HOLIDAY TRIP.--Would one of your readers inform me of a locality where I +can take my next summer's holiday of a month, for L3 10_s._, fare included? +It must be near the sea and high mountains, with a genial though bracing +climate. Good boating and bathing. Strictly honest lodging-house keepers +and romantic surroundings indispensable.--EASY TO PLEASE. + + * * * * * + +COMING DRESS. + +(_Sweet Seventeen to the would-be Sumptuary Reformers at the Kensington +Town Hall._) + + Vainly on Fashion you make war, + With querulous Book, and quaint Bazaar, + Good Ladies of the Higher Light! + A Turkish Tea-gown, loose or tight, + Won't win us to the Rational Cult; + Japanese skirts do but insult + Our elder instincts, to which _Reason_ + Is nothing more nor less than treason. + Your "muddy weather costume" moves us + No more than satire, which reproves us + _Ad nauseam_, and for whose rebuff + We never care one pinch of snuff. + No, Ladies HARBERTON and COFFIN. + Your pleading, like the critics' "scoffin" + Touches us not; have we not smiled, + Mocking, at Mrs. OSCAR WILDE? + And shall we welcome with delight + Queer robes that make a girl "a fright?" + Pooh-pooh! We're simply imperturbable, + The Reign of Fashion's undisturbable. + The "Coming Dress?"--that's all sheer humming, + We only care for Dress _be_-Coming! + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._) + +No. XXV.--THE ADULATED CLERGYMAN. + +The Adulated Clergyman possesses many of the genuine qualities of the +domestic cat, in addition to a large stock of the characteristics which +tradition has erroneously assigned to that humble hut misunderstood animal. +Like a cat, he is generally sleek and has become an adept in the art of +ingratiating himself with those who wear skirts and dispense comforts. Like +a cat, too, he has an insinuating manner; he can purr quite admirably in +luxurious surroundings, and, on the whole, he prefers to attain his objects +by a circuitous method rather than by the bluff and uncompromising +directness which is employed by dogs and ordinary honest folk of the canine +sort. Moreover, he likes a home, but--here comes the difference--the homes +of others seem to attract and retain him more strongly than his own. And if +it were useful to set out the points of difference in greater detail, it +might be said that the genuine as opposed to the traditional cat often +shows true affection and quite a dignified resentment of snubs, is never +unduly familiar, and makes no pretence of being better than other cats +whose coats happen to be of a different colour. But it is better, perhaps, +at once to consider the Adulated Clergyman in his own person, and not in +his points of resemblance to or difference from other animals. + +[Illustration] + +He who afterwards becomes an Adulated Clergyman has probably been a mean +and grubby schoolboy, with a wretched but irresistible inclination to +sneak, and to defend himself for so doing on principle. It is of course +wrong to break rules at school, authority must be respected, masters must +be obeyed, but it is an honourable tradition amongst schoolboys that boys +who offend--since offences must come--should owe their consequent +punishment to the unassisted efforts of those who hold rule, rather than to +the calculating interference of another boy, who, though he may have shared +the offence, is unwilling to take his proportion of the result. A sneak, +therefore, has in all ages been invested with a badge of infamy, which no +amount of strictly scholastic success has ever availed to remove from him; +and his fellows, recognising that he has saved his own skin at the expense +of theirs, do their best to make up the difference to him in contempt and +abuse. Schoolboys are not distinguished for a fastidious reticence. If they +dislike, they never hesitate to say so, and they have a painfully downright +way of giving reasons for their behaviour, which is apt to jar on a +temperament so sensitive that its owner always and only treads the path of +high principle when self-interest points him in the same direction. + +The school career of the future pastor was not, therefore, a very happy +one, for at school there are no feeble women to be captivated by +heartrending revelations of a noble nature at war with universal +wickedness, and all but shattered by the assaults of an unfeeling world. +Nor, strange to say, do schoolmasters, as a rule, value the boy who ranges +himself on their side in the eternal war between boys and masters. However, +he proceeded in due time to a University. There he let it be known that his +ultimate destination was the Church, but he had his own method of +qualifying for his profession. He was not afflicted with the possession of +great muscular strength, or of a very robust health. Neither the river nor +the football-field attracted him. Cricket was a bore, athletic sports were +a burden; the rough manners of the ordinary Undergraduates made him +shudder. However, since at College there are sets of all sorts and sizes, +he soon managed to fashion for himself a little world of effete and mincing +idlers, who adored themselves even more than they worshipped one another. +They drank deep from the well of modern French literature, and chattered +interminably of RICHEPIN, GUY DE MAUPASSANT, PAUL BOURGET, and the rest. +They themselves were their own favourite native writers; but their morbid +sonnets, their love-lorn elegies, their versified mixtures of passion and a +quasi-religious mysticism, were too sacred for print, though they were +sometimes adapted to thin and fluttering airs, and sung to sympathisers in +private. Most of these gentlemen were "ploughed" in their examination, but +the hero of this sketch secured his degree without honours, and departed to +read for the Church. + +Soon afterwards he was ordained, was plunged ruthlessly into an East-End +parish, and disappeared for a time from view. He emerged, after an interval +of several years. The occasion was the inaugural meeting of a Guild for the +Conversion of Music-hall _Artistes_, which is to this day spoken of amongst +the irreverent as the Song and Sermon Society. The sensation of the meeting +was caused by the fervent speech of a clergyman, who announced that he +himself had been for some months a professional Variety Singer, attached to +more than one Music-hall, and that, having studied the life _de pres_, he +knew all its temptations, and was therefore qualified to speak from +experience as to the best means of elevating those who pursued it. The +details of his story, as they fell from the mouth of the reverend speaker, +were highly spiced. His hearers were amused, interested, and stirred; and, +when a daily newspaper gave a headlined account of the speech, with a +portrait of the speaker, the professional fortune of the Adulated Clergyman +(for it was he) was assured. + +Shortly afterwards his biography appeared in a series published in a weekly +periodical under the title of _Unconventional Clerics_, and he himself +wrote a touching letter on "The Plague Spots of Nova Zembla," in which an +eloquent appeal was made for subscriptions on behalf of the inhabitants of +that chill and neglected region. Ladies now began to say to one another: +"Have you heard Mr. So-and-So preach? Really, not? Oh, you should. He's so +wonderful, so convincing, so unlike all others. You must come with me next +Sunday," and thus gradually he gathered round him in his remote church a +band of faithful women, drawn from the West End by the fame of his +unconventional eloquence. A not too fastidious critic might, perhaps, have +been startled by a note of vulgarity in his references to sacred events, as +well as by the tone of easy and intimate familiarity with which he spoke of +those whose names are generally mentioned with bated breath, and printed +with capital letters; but the most refined women seemed to find in all this +an additional fascination. His sermons dealt in language which was at the +same time plain and highly-coloured. He denounced his congregation roundly +as the meanest of sinners. To the women he was particularly merciless. He +tore to rags their little vesture of self-respect, shattered their nerves +with emotional appeals, harrowed all their feelings, and belaboured them so +violently with prophecies of wrath, that they left church, after shedding +gallons of tears and emptying their expiatory purses into the +subscription-plate, in a state of pale but pious pulp. In the +drawing-rooms, however, to which he afterwards resorted, his manner +changed. His voice became soft; he poured oil into the wounds he had +inflicted. "How are you to-day?" he would say, in his caressing way. "Is +the neuralgia any better? And the dulness of spirits? has meditation +prevailed over it? Ah me! it is the lot of the good to suffer, and silence, +perhaps, were best." Whereupon he is treated as a Father Confessor of +domestic troubles, and persuades young married women that their husbands +misunderstand them. + +It is unnecessary to add that his subscription-lists flourished, his +bazaars prospered, his missions and retreats overflowed with feminine +money, and his Church was overloaded with floral tributes. The brutal tribe +of men, however, sneered at him, and perversely suspected his motives; nor +were they reconciled to him when they saw him relieving the gloom of a +generally (so it was understood) ascetic existence by dining at a smart +restaurant with a galaxy of devoted women, whom he proposed to conduct in +person to a theatre. Such, then, is, or was, the Adulated Clergyman. It is +unnecessary to pursue his career further. Perhaps he quarrelled with his +Bishop, and unfrocked himself; possibly he found himself in a Court of Law, +where an unsympathetic jury recorded a painful verdict against him. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +My faithful "Co." says he has been reading the latest novel by "JOHN +STRANGE WYNTER," called, _The Other Man's Wife_, as the French would +observe, "without pleasure." As a rule he rather enjoys the works of the +Author of _Bootle's Baby_, and other stories of a semi-ladylike +semi-military character; but the newest tale is one too many for him. The +"man" is a mixture of snob and cad,--say "a snad,"--the "other man" a +combination of coward and bully, the "wife" a worthy mate to both of them. +The plot shows traces of hasty construction, otherwise it is difficult to +account for the "man's" intense astonishment at inheriting a title from his +cousin, and the farfetched clearing up of a sensational West-End murder. My +"Co." fancies that the peerage given to the "man," and the _vendetta_ of +the Polish Countess, both introduced rather late in Vol. II., must have +been after-thoughts. However, the end of the story is both novel and +entertaining. The feeble, fickle heroine is made to marry, as her second +husband, the man who (as an accessory after the fact) has been the murderer +of her first! And the best of the joke is--she does not know it! My "Co." +has also been much amused by a brightly-written Novel, in one volume, +called _A Bride from the Bush_. Mr. E. W. HORNUNG evidently knows his +subject well, and has caught the exact tone, or rather nasal twang of our +Australian cousins. My "Co." says that "the Bride" is a particularly +pleasant young person, thanks to her youth, good heart, and beauty. +However, it is questionable--taking her as a sample--whether her "people" +would "pan out" quite so satisfactorily. On the whole it would seem that +Australians who have "made their pile" by buying and selling land are +better at a distance--say as Aborigines! + +It is also the opinion of my faithful "Co." that the Clarendon Press series +of _Rulers of India_, has never contained a better volume than the _Life of +Mayo_, a work recently contributed by the Editor, Sir WILLIAM WILSON +HUNTER. Admirably written, the book gives in the pleasantest form +imaginable, a most eventful chapter in the History of Hindostan. But more, +the pages have a pathetic personal interest, as the subject of the memoir +was for many years misunderstood, and consequently, misrepresented. Even +the _London Charivari_ was unfair to the great Earl, but as Sir WILLIAM +hastens to say, "at his death stood first in its generous acknowledgment of +his real dessert, as it had led the dropping fire of raillery three years +before." The author has, by publishing this most welcome addition to a +capitally edited series, added yet another item to the long list of +services he has rendered to our Empire in the distant East. + +Since Miss FLORENCE WARDEN'S _House on the Marsh_, says the Baron, I have +not read a more exciting tale than the same authoress's _Pretty Miss +Smith_. It should be swallowed right off at a sitting, for if your interest +in it is allowed to cool during an interval, you may find it a little +difficult to get up the steam to the high-pressure point necessary for the +real enjoyment of a sensational story. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +SILENT SHAKSPEARE. + +DEAR MR. EDITOR, + +The great success that has attended the production of _L'Enfant Prodigue_ +at the Prince of Wales's Theatre has encouraged me to make a suggestion in +the cause of English Art. Why not SHAKSPEARE in dumb show? The Bard himself +introduced it in "The Play Scene." Allow me to suggest it thus:-- + + SCENE--_A more remote part of the Platform in Elsinore Castle. Enter_ + GHOST; _then_ HAMLET. + +_Hamlet_ (_in dumb show_). "Where wilt thou lead me? Speak!" (_In dumb +show._) "I'll go no further." + +_Ghost, by kissing his hand towards the horizon, shows that his hour is +almost come, when he is bound to render himself to sulphurous and +tormenting flames. The latter part of his description is composed of his +shrinking about the stage, as if suffering from intense heat._ + +_Hamlet buries his face in his hands, and sobs pitifully, expressing_ +"Alas, poor Ghost!" + +_Ghost repudiates compassion by turning up his nose, and throwing forward +his hands; and then, by pointing from his mouth to his ear, demands_ +HAMLET'S _serious attention._ + +_Hamlet touches his own lips, points to_ GHOST, _slaps his heart, and bows, +intimating that the_ GHOST _is to_ "Speak!" _and he is_ "bound to hear." + +_Ghost explains that he is his father's spirit by stroking_ HAMLET'S _face, +and then his own, and then shrinks about the stage to weird music, +descriptive of his prison-house. He concludes by appealing to_ HAMLET'S +_love for him by pressing his clasped hands to his own heart, and then +pointing towards the left-hand side of his son._ + +_Hamlet jerks his hands passionately upwards, as if saying_, "Oh Heaven!" + +_Ghost then asks for revenge by touching his dagger, and pointing towards +the sky. He acts the murder in the garden, showing the serpent who stung +him by gliding about the stage on his chest, like the boneless man. He +shows his murderer to be of his own blood by walking up and down as +himself, and then in the same way, but with a slight limp, as if he were +his brother._ + +_Hamlet might here exhibit_ "_Zadkiel's Almanack" as_ "prophetic," _and +slap the sole of his shoe for_ "soul;" _for_ "my Uncle" _it would be +sufficient to produce a pawnbroker's ticket_:--"Oh my prophetic soul! Mine +Uncle!" + +_Then the Ghost in great detail acts the murder in the orchard, imitating +the apples and the singing birds, the setting sun, &c., &c. He shows the +composition of the poison after its plucking from a bush, and its arrival +in the laboratory. He represents the actual pouring of the poison in his +ear. He hints too (by suggesting the action of the bell-ringer) that he was +never really mourned, and concludes a most spirited Ballet d'Action by a +rapid sketch of the paling of the ineffectual fires of the glow-worm. As he +leaves to the music of_ "Then you'll Remember Me," HAMLET _imitates +cockcrow, which brings the entertainment to an appropriate termination._ + +Surely this would be an improvement upon the conventional reading? In this +case where speech is silvern, silence would be golden. + +Trusting some Manager will take the matter up, + +I remain, always yours sincerely, + +A DUMB WAITER. + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday.--Faust_ and Foremost. Miss EAMES better even than she was last +week. NED DE RESZKE not so diabolical a _Mephistopheles_ as M. MAUREL. + + NEDDY RESZKE + Not so goblineske, + +and a stouter sort of demon, but of course a "_bon diable_." + +[Illustration: Cards held by Druriolanus Operaticus.] + +_Wednesday._--_Romeo et Julietta._ JACK and NED DE RESZKE _Romeo_ and _The +Friar_. Why the waltz alone, which ought to be on every organ besides Miss +EAMES'S, but which, strange to say, isn't thoroughly popular, should be +enough to make an Opera; but it's like the proportion of one swallow in the +composition of a summer, and, however well sung, it does not do everything. +It's a dull Opera. + +_Thursday._--_Carmen_ again. House not immense. Persons "of note" chiefly +on the stage. JULIA same as before; therefore refer to previous notice. Cab +and carriage service after the theatres everywhere wants reforming +altogether. We may not be worse off than in any other capital of Europe, +but we ought to be far ahead of them. + +Somebody or other complained of my writing "GLU:CK" instead of "GLUCK," He +didn't like the two dots; one too many for the poor chap, already in his +dotage, so to relieve him and soothe him, I'll write it "GLUCK," and then +he can go to the proprietor of "DAVIDSON'S Libretto Books" and ask him to +take the dotlets off the "U:" in GLU:CK. I wonder if my +strongly-spectacle'd fault-finder writes the name of HANDEL correctly? I +dare say so correct a person never falls into any sort of error; or if he +does, never admits it. I like it done down to dots, as "HA:NDEL," myself; +it looks so uncommonly learned. + +_Saturday._--_Tannhaeuser._ Full and appreciative house to welcome the +_rentree_ of Madame ALBANI, who was simply perfection and the perfection of +simplicity as the self-sacrificing heroine _Elizabeth_. From a certain +Wagnerian-moral point of view, no better impersonator,--dramatically at +least, if not operatically,--of the sensual Falstaffian Knight could be +found than Signer PEROTTI; and, from every point of view, no finer +representation of the Cyprian Venus than Mlle. SOFIA RAVOGLI. M. MAUREL was +admirable in every way as the moral _Wolframo_, and Signor ABRAMOFF the +gravest of Landgraves. The full title of this Opera should be _Tannhaeuser; +or, The Story of a Bard who sang a questionable kind of Song in the highest +Society, and what came of it._ + +Fine effect at end of First Act, when prancing steeds, with secondhand +park-hack saddles, at quite half-a-crown an hour, are brought in, and, on a +striking tableau of bold but impecunious warriors refusing to mount, the +Curtain descends. + +Then what pleasure to see _Albani-Elizabeth_ receiving the guests in Act +II., varying the courtesies with an affectionate embrace whenever a +particular friend among the ladies-of-the-court-chorus came in view. My +LORD CHAMBERLAIN, viewing the scene from his private box, must have picked +up many a hint for Court etiquette from studying this remarkable scene. +Then how familiar to us all is the arrangement of the bards all in a row, +like our old friends the Christy Minstrels, _Tannhaeuser_ being the +Tambourine, and _Wolfram_ the Bones! Charming. Great success. Repeat it by +all means. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHIVALRY AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. + +"NOW, COOK, JUST YOU LOOK HERE! LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF BACON I'VE JUST GIVEN +YOUR MISTRESS! IT'S THE THICKEST AND WORST CUT I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE!--AND +THIS PIECE I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE MYSELF IS _ONLY A LITTLE BETTER!_"] + + * * * * * + +"PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY, SIR!" + +A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE. + +_Poor Income-Tax Payer, loquitur_:-- + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + My hope is almost dead; + You hold the swag in that black bag, + And high you lift your head. + Some years I have been asking this, + But no one heeds my plea. + Will you not give me _something_ then, + _This_ year, good Mister G.? + Oh! please give me a Penny! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + _You_ won't say "no" to me, + Because I'm poor, and feel the pinch + Of dreadful "Schedule D"! + You're so high-dried, and so correct, + So honest and austere! + Remember the full "Tanner," Sir, + I've stumped up year by year, + And please give me a Penny! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + My Income is but small, + And the hard Tax laid on our backs + I _should_ not pay at all. + But I'm too feeble to resist, + And do not like to lie; + And Sixpence, under Schedule D, + Torments me till I cry, + Do please give me a Penny, Sir! + + Consols, or Dividends, or Rents + Don't interest _me_ much; + "Goschens," reduced or otherwise, + Are things _I_ may not touch, + Two hundred pounds per year, all told, + Leaves little room for "exes;" + And 'tisn't only _public_ men + That "lack of pence" much vexes. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + The mysteries of High Finance + I don't presume to plumb; + So year by year my back they shear, + Sure that they'll find _me_ dumb. + But the oft-trodden worm will turn; + "Demand Notes" never slack; + And "Schedule D" fast at twice three, + Breaks the wage-earner's back. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + The moneyed swells who make "returns," + Much at their own sweet will, + Don't gauge the poor clerk's scanty purse, + The small shopkeeper's till, + How hard 'tis to make both ends meet, + When hard times tightly nip; + Or how small incomes sorely feel + The annual sixpenny dip. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + 'Tis heard on every side, + Muttered by poverty's pinched lip, + Silent so long--from pride. + Ah! listen to their pleadings, Sir, + And pity the true poor, + Whose life is one long fight to keep + The wolf from the house-door. + Oh, please give me a Penny, Sir! + + * * * * * + +"ROOSE IN URBE."--Dr. ROBSON ROOSE has returned to town after a trip to +Madeira. + + * * * * * + +"SWEET STRIFE." + +_By an Unionist M.P._ + + When PARNELL's mocked by HEALY, + In strident voice and squealy; + When HEALY'S snubbed by PARNELL, + In voice as from the charnel-- + I understand the windy + Wild charm of WAGNER'S shindy. + Discord _may_ be melodious, + When Harmony sounds odious; + Than _Israfel_ more dear is + Old Erin's latest _Eris!_ + + * * * * * + +THE _IN_-KERRECT KERR. + +IT was once said that Pianos may now be had on "MOORE and MOORE" easy terms +every day. Mrs. WALTER found that those "easy terms" involved such +pleasures as returning the instrument she had paid many instalments on, +getting an order from the masterful Mr. Commissioner KERR to pay costs as +well, and committal to prison for three weeks on the charge of "contempt of +Court"--for disobeying an order which Justices SMITH and GRANTHAM declare +the genial Commissioner had no sort of right to make!!! + +If this is the "hire-purchase system," a piano-less life is infinitely +preferable to braving its manifold perils and penalties. Easy terms, +indeed? Yes,--about as "easy" as "easy shaving" with a serrated +oyster-knife! Mrs. WALTER'S fate should be a warning to would-be +piano-purchasers, and, _Mr. Punch_ would fain hope, to exacting +System-workers and arbitrary Commissioners. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY!" + +NEEDY INCOME-TAX PAYER (loq.). "HOPE YOU WON'T FORGET ME _THIS TIME_, +SIR!!"] + + * * * * * + +FOR BETTER OR WORSE! + +(_Two Views of the Same Subject._) + +POSSIBLE ROMANCE. + + SCENE--_A Dungeon beneath the Castle Moat. Wife chained to a post, with + bread and water beside her. Enter Husband, with cat-o'-nine-tails._ + +_Husband._ And now, after ten days' seclusion, will you make over your +entire property to me, signing the deed with your life's blood? + +_Wife_ (_in a feeble voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you +to the last! + +_Husband._ Then die! [_He is about to leave the dungeon, when he is +met by a Messenger from the Court of Appeal._ + +_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner! + +_Husband._ Foiled! [_Joy of_ Wife, _and tableau, as the Curtain +falls._ + +PROBABLE REALITY. + + SCENE--_The Church-door of a fashionable Church. Wife bidding adieu to + Husband._ + +_Husband._ Surely, now that my name and fortune are yours, you will +reconsider your decision, and at least accompany me back to our wedding +breakfast? + +_Wife_ (_in a firm voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you to +the last! + +_Husband._ This is rank nonsense! You must take my arm. [_He is about +to leave the Church-porch, when he is met by a Messenger from the Court of +Appeal._ + +_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner! + +_Husband._ Sold! [_Joy of Wife, and tableau, as the Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +"WHAT'S IN A NAME?" + + The "Cony" is feeble, the Bear's a rough bore. + But CONYBEARE'S both, and perhaps a bit more! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SMART NEW BOY IN CLOAK-ROOM HAS NOTED GENTLEMEN SHUTTING UP +THEIR CRUSH HATS, AND PROMPTLY FLATTENS DE JONES'S BEST SILK TOPPER!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE OTHER MAN. + + My health is good, I know no pain, + I am not married to a wife; + From all accounts I'm fairly sane, + And yet I'm sick to death of life. + + The path that leads to wealth and fame + Cannot be traversed in a day; + I find it twice as hard a game, + Because a spectre bars the way. + + It has no terrors such as his + Away from which the children ran; + It's not the Bogey, but it _is_ + The Other Man. + + I met a girl, she seemed to be + A kind of vision from above. + She wasn't--but, alas! for me, + I weakly went and fell in love. + + Her father was a _millionnaire_, + Which didn't make me love her less. + I thought her quite beyond compare, + And gave long odds she'd answer "Yes." + + She thrilled me with each lovely look + She gave me from behind her fan, + She took my heart, and then she took-- + The Other Man. + + Farewell to Love! I thought I'd try + My level best to get a post; + The salary was not too high, + Two hundred pounds a-year at most. + + Committeemen in conclave sat, + Their questions all were cut and dried: + Oh, was I this? And did I that? + And twenty thousand things beside-- + + As did I smoke? and could I play + At golf? or did I get the gout? + And--most important--could I say + My mother knew that I was out? + + Then two were chosen. Should I "do"? + Perhaps!--and, just as I began + To hope, of course they gave it to + The Other Man. + + All uselessly I've learnt to swear + And use expressions that are vile; + In vain, in vain I've torn my hair + In quite the most artistic style. + + Yet one thing would I gladly learn-- + Yes, tell me quickly, if you can-- + Shall I be also, in my turn, + The Other Man? + + * * * * * + +THE KEY TO A LOCK. + + ["A lock of ----'s hair, set in a small gold-rimmed case, and said to + be an ancient family possession, was knocked down for forty pounds."] + + Take yonder lock of tangled hair, + A silver seamed with sable, + Dim harbinger from dreamland fair + Of reverie and fable; + + Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take, + A trinket loved, if little, + And wear it, darling, for my sake, + In yonder locket brittle; + + Small, as my banker's balance, small + And faint--a touching token; + My luck, the lock, the locket, all + Seem, child, a trifle broken. + + Investments, boy, are looking glum; + They flit and fade; in fine a + Not inconsiderable sum + Has gone to--Argentina. + + Nay, chide me not; one day, refilled + By these, may shine your pocket, + And Fortune's resurrection gild + The lock within the locket. + + Because, you see, when strong and sage + You grow, and all the serried + Lights of the great Victorian age + With me are quenched and buried; + + When other men in other days + Walk paramount--then shall you + Submit the thing to such as praise + The Past, its relics value. + + The curl was worn, you'll tell your friends, + By TENNYSON or BROWNING + (The detail of the name depends + On who is worth renowning). + + You'll vaunt that one who knew the grand + Victorian Stars, and rather + Deserved himself to join the band + (In fact your father's father), + + Who, past expression, loved whate'er + The market cottons _then_ to, + Committed to your childish care + This genuine memento. + + You'll catalogue it, as befalls + Your choice, my little gran'son; + You'll bear it to the deathless halls + Of CHRISTIE, WOODS, AND MANSON. + + So, when the fateful hammer sounds, + And you have cashed in rhino + A cheque for, haply, forty pounds, + You'll bless your grandsire, I know; + + Who, while his fortunes failed, and much + Was life's horizon o'ercast, + _Created_ souvenirs with such + A keen, commercial forecast. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS--SIR WILLIAM VARIETY HARCOURT.] + + * * * * * + +BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY. + +(_Fragment from a Romance founded upon evidence given before the Select +Committee upon Dram-drinking._) + +"I really think the experiment should be made," said the Professor. "Our +knowledge on the subject is so imperfect, that nothing definite can be +accurately pronounced." + +"True enough," replied one of his friends; "but although the end to be +attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by the scrupulous +'questionable?'" + +"By the over-scrupulous, perhaps," returned the Professor, with a smile. + +"And the expense," observed a second of his intimates, "will be no small +consideration. If we put the matter to a thorough test, a large quantity--a +very large quantity of the necessary liquid will have to be purchased and +disposed of. Am I not right in hazarding this supposition?" + +"Undoubtedly," responded the Professor, "and the cost will be enhanced by +the fact that the necessary liquids will have to be of the best possible +quality. As Dr. PAVEY observed before the Committee 'It is not the alcohol +in itself that is injurious, but the by-products.' Our aim must be to +eliminate the by-products." + +"I think the idea first-rate," said the third friend; and then he paused +and added, seemingly as an after-thought, "Pass the bottle." + +So the Professor and his three companions decided to make the investigation +in the cause of scientific research. It was resolved that after a week they +should meet again, and that in the meanwhile they should in their own +persons carry on the experiment continuously. When this had been arranged +the friends parted company. + +At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a concrete fact. +The Professor's friends were the first to appear at the rendezvous. They +were unsteady as to their gait, their neckties were in disorder and their +hair falling carelessly over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an +eyesight that seemingly was temporarily defective. They sank into three +chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually resolved itself +into a frown. Then they filled up the pause caused by the non-appearance of +the Professor by weeping silently. Their emotion was not of long duration, +as the originator of the experiment was soon in their midst. He seemed to +be in excellent health and spirits. + +"My dear friend," he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone to clip +his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of the plural, when the latter +would have been more conventional, "My dear friend, glad see you all. Hope +you well." + +His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which +ended in further weeping. + +"This very painful," continued the Professor, resting his hand somewhat +heavily on the back of a chair; "very painful indeed! Fact is, you been +taking wrong things!" + +His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively. + +"Yes you have! Sure of it! You, Sir--imbibed whiskey! No harm in good +whiskey--excellent thing, good whiskey! But injuriverius--should say, +injurious--if has too much flavour of malt! Your whiskey too much flavour +of malt! You took brandy--bad brandy--too much taste of grapes! You took +rum--bad rum--too much mo--mo--molasses! Now I took all three--whiskey, +brandy, rum, but pure--no by-products. No, not at all. Result! See! Sober +as judge!" + +And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at this +point of his discourse, joined his friends under the table! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CYCLING NOTES. + +_He._ "DO YOU BELONG TO THE PSYCHICAL SOCIETY?" + +_She._ "NO; BUT I SOMETIMES GO OUT ON MY BROTHER'S MACHINE!"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_March 20. "George Hotel," Billsbury._--Arrived here yesterday afternoon. +Mother made up her mind to come with me, being very anxious, she said, to +hear one of my splendid speeches. She brought luggage enough to last for a +week, and insisted on taking her poodle _Carlo_, who was an awful nuisance, +in the train. He growled horribly at old TOLLAND and BLISSOP when they came +to see me at the Hotel before dinner. Very awkward. TOLLAND wanted to put +before me the state of the case with regard to registration expenses. The +upshot was that the Candidate is expected to subscribe L80 a year to the +Association for this purpose, which I eventually agreed to do. Found +fourteen letters waiting for me. No. 1 was from Miss POSER, the Secretary +of the Billsbury Women's Suffrage League, asking me to receive a small +deputation on the question, and to lay my views before them. No. 2 from the +Anti-Vaccination League, stating that a deputation had been appointed to +meet me, in order to learn my views, and requesting me to fix a date. No. 3 +and No. 4, from two local lodges of Oddfellows, each declaring it to be of +the highest importance that I should become an Oddfellow and proposing +dates for my initiation. Nos. 5, 6 and 7 were from Secretaries of funds for +the restoration or building of Churches and Chapels, appealing for +subscriptions. Nos. 8, 9, and 10, from three more local Cricket Clubs, who +have elected me an Honorary Member, and want subscriptions. No. 11 from a +Children's Meat Tea Fund. No. 12 asked me to subscribe to a Bazaar, and to +attend its opening in June. No. 13, from the local Fire Brigade, and No. 14 +from the Secretary of the Local Society for improving the Breed of +Bullfinches, recommending this "national object" to my favourable notice. +Shall have to keep a Secretary, likewise a book of accounts. Where is it +all going to end? + +The Mass Meeting went off well enough. The Assembly Rooms were crammed. +(The _Meteor_ says, with its usual accuracy and _good taste_, "The +attendance was small, the proceedings were dull. A wonderful amount of +stale Jingoism was afterwards swept up by the caretakers from the floor. +Our Conservative friends are so wasteful.") I was adopted as Candidate +almost unanimously, only ten hands being held up against me. One or two +questions were asked--one about local option, which rather stumped me--but +I managed to express great sympathy with the Temperance party without, I +hope, offending publicans. + +_Carlo_ somehow or other got out of the hotel and followed us to the +meeting without being noticed. Poodles are all as cunning as Old Nick. He +lay quite low in some corner or other, until Colonel CHORKLE was in the +middle of a tremendous appeal to "the stainless banner which 'as so often +been borne to triumph by Billsbury's embattled chivalry." The Colonel +thumped on the table very hard, and _Carlo_, I suppose, had his eye on him +and thought he was going to thump me. At any rate he sprang out and dashed +at the Colonel, barking furiously. I had to seize him and take him outside. +The Colonel turned quite pale. _The Meteor_ says: "The war-like ardour +which burns in the breast of Colonel CHORKLE was well-nigh extinguished by +an intelligent dog, whose interruptions provoked immense applause." I had +to apologise profusely to the Colonel afterwards. Mrs. CHORKLE looked +daggers at me. Mother was delighted with the meeting. She has written about +it to Aunt AMELIA. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, April 13._--So long since Lord STALBRIDGE +parted company from RICHARD GROSVENOR that he forgets manners and customs +of House of Commons. Not being satisfied with choice made by Committee of +Selection of certain Members on Committee dealing with Railway Rates and +Charges, STALBRIDGE writes peremptory letter to Chairman, giving him severe +wigging; correspondence gets into newspapers; House of Commons, naturally +enough, very angry. Not going to stand this sort of thing from a mere Peer, +even though he be Chairman of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case +of privilege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front Bench, or by +WHITBREAD, or some other Member of standing. Somehow, whilst thing being +thought over and talked about, SEXTON undertakes to see it through. As soon +as questions over to-night, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically +impressive manner, announces intention of putting certain questions to JOHN +MOWBRAY, Chairman of Committee of Selection. Ordinary man would have put +his questions and sat down. But this a great occasion for SEXTON. Domestic +difficulties in Irish Party kept him away from Westminster for many weeks. +No opportunity for Windbag to come into action; now is the time, as +champion of privileges of House of Commons. Position one of some +difficulty. Not intending to conclude with a Motion, he would be out of +order in making a speech. Could only ask question. Question couldn't +possibly extend over two minutes; two minutes, nothing: with the Windbag +full, bursting after compulsory quiescence since Parliament opened. + +SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from time to time +moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, SEXTON +lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again, +patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so +thoroughly enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person +could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't SEXTON'S +funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper. + +[Illustration: A Cameron Man.] + +"No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be STALBRIDGE'S; but I +fancy SEXTON will save him from full inconvenience of the ceremony." + +So it turned out; House tired of business long before Windbag SEXTON had +blown himself out. Poor JOHN MOWBRAY admittedly flabberghasted by the +interminable string of questions under which SEXTON had tried to disguise +his speech. STALBRIDGE got off without direct censure, and DONALD CAMERON +abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Irish Land Bill. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-night after Easter Recess; come +together with a feeling that since last they met a gap been made in their +ranks that can never be filled. The gentle GRANVILLE'S seat is occupied by +another. Never more will the Peers look upon his kindly face, or hear his +lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite phrase. + +KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe man; one of the +rare kind whose reputation stands highest with the innermost circle of +those who work and live with him. To the outside world, the man in the +street, KIMBERLEY is an expression; some not quite sure whether he isn't a +territory in South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course; listened to with +respect, much as HALLAM'S _Constitutional History of England_ is +occasionally read. But when to-night he rises from GRANVILLE'S seat and +makes a speech that, with readjustment of circumstance, GRANVILLE himself +would have made, an assembly not emotional feels with keen pang how much it +has lost. + +The MARKISS should be here. Perhaps for himself it is as well he's away. To +him, more than anyone else in the House, the newly filled space on the +Bench opposite is of direful import. _The MARKISS has no peer now GRANVILLE +is gone; the two were in all characteristics and mental attitudes +absolutely opposed, and yet, like oil and vinegar, the mixing perfected the +salad of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at one +side of the table talking at large to the House, but with his eye fixed on +GRANVILLE; at the other, the dapper figure, with its indescribable air of +old-fashioned gentlemanhood, the light of his smile shed impartially on the +benches opposite, but his slight bow reserved for the MARKISS, as, leaning +across the table, he pinked him under the fifth rib with glittering +rapier--this is a sight that will never more gladden the eye in the House +of Lords. GRANVILLE was the complement of the MARKISS; the MARKISS was to +GRANVILLE an incentive to his bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet +to touch shield with lance across the table in the Lords. LYCIDAS is dead, +not ere his prime, it is true; + + "But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone, + Now thou art gone, and never must return!" + +It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that CRANBROOK, KIMBERLEY, DERBY, +and SELBORNE strummed their lament. But, speaking from different points of +view, without pre-concert, they struck the same chord in recognising the +ever unruffled gentleness of the nature of LYCIDAS--a gentleness not born +of weakness, a sweetness of disposition that did not unwholesomely cloy. +Only Mr. G. could have fitly spoken the eulogy of GRANVILLE. After him, the +task belonged to the MARKISS, and it was a pity that circumstances +prevented his undertaking it. _Business done_,--Irish Land Bill in Commons. + +_Wednesday._--Brer FOX turned up to-day, unexpectedly. So did MAURICE HEALY, +even more unexpectedly. Irish Sunday Closing Bill under discussion. Great +bulk of Irish Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by +Windbag SEXTON. Belfast Publicans, who find their business threatened, +insist that he shall oppose the Bill; does so accordingly, separating +himself from his party. Brer FOX quickly seized the opportunity; he, too, +on he side of the Publicans, who hold the purse, and, money (like some of +their customers) is tight. So PARNELL lavishly compliments Windbag SEXTON +on his "large and patriotic view"; hisses out his scorn for the Liberal +Party; declares that Ireland abhors the measure, which he calls a New +Coercion Bill. + +[Illustration: "The mildest-mannered Man."] + +Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, looking less +like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet voice, sounds clearly +through the House, and Mr. MAURICE HEALY is discovered denying Brer FOX'S +right to speak on this or any other public question for the constituency of +Cork. + +"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking young man +continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me about contesting the +seat." + +That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that rang +through House told how they had gone home. + +_Business done._--Irish Sunday Closing Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration] + +_Friday._--GRANDOLPH looked in for few minutes before dinner. A little +difficulty with doorkeeper. So disguised under beard, that failed to +recognise him; thought he was a stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when +GRANDOLPH turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of +lightning. + +"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the safety of his +chair with alacrity. + +GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to the manifest +chagrin of his jilted moustache. + +"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; don't know whether +I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland wants a King, and insists upon my +accepting the Crown, not sure I shall refuse." + +"GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he swung through the +Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same man since he grew it. + + "There was a Young Man with a beard, + Who said, 'It is just as I feared! + Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, + Have all built their nests in my beard.'" + +_Business done._--Committee on Irish Land Bill Dropping into Poetry, again. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, +Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not +even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or +Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +100, April 25, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14277.txt or 14277.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/2/7/14277/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading +Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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