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diff --git a/14277-0.txt b/14277-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7207c70 --- /dev/null +++ b/14277-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1347 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14277 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +April 25th, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite._) + +No. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_A Sitting-room cheerfully decorated in dark colours. Broad + doorway, hung with black crape, in the wall at back, leading to a back + Drawing-room, in which, above a sofa in black horsehair, hangs a + posthumous portrait of the late_ General GABLER. _On the piano is a + handsome pall. Through the glass panes of the back Drawing-room window + are seen a dead wall and a cemetery. Settees, sofas, chairs, &c., + handsomely upholstered in black bombazine, and studded with small round + nails. Bouquets of immortelles and dead grasses are lying everywhere + about._ + +_Enter_ Aunt JULIE (_a good-natured looking lady in a smart hat_). + +_Aunt J._ Well, I declare, if I believe GEORGE or HEDDA are up yet! +(_Enter_ GEORGE TESMAN, _humming, stout, careless, spectacled._) Ah, my +dear boy, I have called before breakfast to inquire how you and HEDDA are +after returning late last night from your long honeymoon. Oh, dear me, yes; +am I not your old Aunt, and are not these attentions usual in Norway? + +_George._ Good Lord, yes! My six months' honeymoon has been quite a little +travelling scholarship, eh? I have been examining archives. Think of +_that_! Look here, I'm going to write a book all about the domestic +interests of the Cave-dwellers during the Deluge. I'm a clever young +Norwegian man of letters, eh? + +_Aunt J._ Fancy your knowing about that too! Now, dear me, thank Heaven! + +_George._ Let me, as a dutiful Norwegian nephew, untie that smart, showy +hat of yours. (_Unties it, and pats her under the chin._) Well, to be sure, +you have got yourself really up,--fancy that! [_He puts hat on chair +close to table._ + +_Aunt J._ (_giggling_). It was for HEDDA'S sake--to go out walking with her +in. (HEDDA _approaches from the back-room; she is pallid, with cold, open, +steel-grey eyes; her hair is not very thick, but what there is of it is an +agreeable medium brown._) Ah, dear HEDDA! [_She attempts to cuddle +her._ + +_Hedda_ (_shrinking back_). Ugh, let me go, do! (_Looking at_ Aunt JULIE'S +_hat._) TESMAN, you must really tell the housemaid not to leave her old hat +about on the drawing-room chairs. Oh, is it _your_ hat? Sorry I spoke, I'm +sure! + +_Aunt J._ (_annoyed_). Good gracious, little Mrs. HEDDA; my nice new hat +that I bought to go out walking with _you_ in! + +_George_ (_patting her on the back_). Yes, HEDDA, she did, and the parasol +too! Fancy, Aunt JULIE always positively thinks of everything, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_coldly_). You hold _your_ tongue. Catch me going out walking with +your aunt! One doesn't _do_ such things. + +_George_ (_beaming_). Isn't she a charming woman? Such fascinating manners! +My goodness, eh? Fancy that! + +_Aunt J._ Ah, dear GEORGE, you ought indeed to be happy--but (_brings out a +flat package wrapped in newspaper_) look _here_, my dear boy! + +_George_ (_opens it_). What? my dear old morning shoes! my slippers! +(_Breaks down._) This is positively too touching, HEDDA, eh? Do you +remember how badly I wanted them all the honeymoon? Come and just have a +look at them--you _may_! + +_Hedda._ Bother your old slippers and your old aunt too! (Aunt JULIE _goes +out annoyed, followed by_ GEORGE, _still thanking her warmly for the +slippers_; HEDDA _yawns_; GEORGE _comes back and places his old slippers +reverently on the table._) Why, here comes Mrs. ELVSTED--_another_ early +caller! She had irritating hair, and went about making a sensation with +it--an old flame of yours, I've heard. + +_Enter Mrs._ ELVSTED; _she is pretty and gentle, with copious wavy +white-gold hair and round prominent eyes, and the manner of a frightened +rabbit._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_nervous_). Oh, please, I'm so perfectly in despair. EJLERT +LÖVBORG, you know, who was our Tutor; he's written such a large new book. I +inspired him. Oh, I know I don't look like it--but I did--he told me so. +And, good gracious, now he's in this dangerous wicked town all alone, and +he's a reformed character, and I'm _so_ frightened about him; so, as the +wife of a Sheriff twenty years older than me, I came up to look after Mr. +LÖVBORG. Do ask him here--then I can meet him. You will? How perfectly +lovely of you! My husband's _so_ fond of him! + +_Hedda._ GEORGE, go and write an invitation at once; do you hear? (GEORGE +_looks around for his slippers, takes them up and goes out._) Now we can +talk, my little THEA. Do you remember how I used to pull your hair when we +met on the stairs, and say I would scorch it off? Seeing people with +copious hair always _does_ irritate me. + +_Mrs. E._ Goodness, yes, you were always so playful and friendly, and I was +so afraid of you. I am still. And please, I've run away from my husband. +Everything around him was distasteful to me. And Mr. LÖVBORG and I were +comrades--he was dissipated, and I got a sort of power over him, and he +made a real person out of me--which I wasn't before, you know; but, oh, I +do hope I'm real now. He talked to me and taught me to think--chiefly of +him. So, when Mr. LÖVBORG came here, naturally I came too. There was +nothing else to do! And fancy, there is another woman whose shadow still +stands between him and me! She wanted to shoot him once, and so, of course, +he can never forget her. I wish I knew her name--perhaps it was that +red-haired opera-singer? + +_Hedda_ (_with cold self-command_). Very likely--but nobody does that sort +of thing here. Hush! Run away now. Here comes TESMAN with Judge BRACK. +(Mrs. E. _goes out_; GEORGE _comes in with_ Judge BRACK, _who is a short +and elastic gentleman, with a round face, carefully brushed hair, and +distinguished profile._) How awfully funny you do look by daylight, Judge! + +[Illustration: "I am a gay Norwegian dog."] + +_Brack_ (_holding his hat and dropping his eye-glass_). Sincerest thanks. +Still the same graceful manners, dear little Mrs. HED--TESMAN! I came to +invite dear TESMAN to a little bachelor-party to celebrate his return from +his long honeymoon. It is customary in Scandinavian society. It will be a +lively affair, for I am a gay Norwegian dog. + +_George._ Asked out--without my wife! Think of that! Eh? Oh, dear me, yes, +_I_'ll come! + +_Brack._ By the way, LÖVBORG is here; he has written a wonderful book, +which has made a quite extraordinary sensation. Bless me, yes! + +_George._ LÖVBORG--fancy! Well, I _am_--glad. Such marvellous gifts! And I +was so painfully certain he had gone to the bad. Fancy that, eh? But what +will become of him _now_, poor fellow, eh? I _am_ so anxious to know! + +_Brack._ Well, he may possibly put up for the Professorship against you, +and, though you _are_ an uncommonly clever man of letters--for a +Norwegian--it's not wholly improbable that he may cut you out! + +_George._ But, look here, good Lord, Judge BRACK!--(_gesticulating_)--that +would show an incredible want of consideration for me! I married on my +chance of _getting_ that Professorship. A man like LÖVBORG, too, who hasn't +even been respectable, eh? One doesn't do such things as that! + +_Brack._ Really? You forget we are all realistic and unconventional persons +here, and do all kinds of odd things. But don't worry yourself! [_He +goes out._ + +_George_ (_to Hedda_). Oh, I say, HEDDA, what's to become of our Fairyland +now, eh? We can't have a liveried servant, or give dinner-parties, or have +a horse for riding. Fancy that! + +_Hedda_ (_slowly, and wearily_). No, we shall really have to set up as +Fairies in reduced circumstances, now. + +_George_ (_cheering up_). Still, we shall see Aunt JULIE every day, and +_that_ will be something, and I've got back my old slippers. We shan't be +altogether without some amusements, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_crosses the floor_). Not while I have _one_ thing to amuse myself +with, at all events. + +_George_ (_beaming with joy_). Oh, Heaven be praised and thanked for that! +My goodness, so you have! And what may _that_ be, HEDDA, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_at the doorway, with suppressed scorn_). Yes, GEORGE, you have +the old slippers of the attentive Aunt, and I have the horse-pistols of the +deceased General! + +_George_ (_in an agony_). The pistols! Oh, my goodness! _what_ pistols? + +_Hedda_ (_with cold eyes_). General GABLER'S pistols--same which I +shot--(_recollecting herself_)--no, that's THACKERAY, not IBSEN--a _very_ +different person. [_She goes through the back Drawing-room._ + +_George_ (_at doorway, shouting after her_). Dearest HEDDA, _not_ those +dangerous things, eh? Why, they have never once been known to shoot +straight yet! Don't! Have a catapult. For _my_ sake, have a catapult! +[_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +Bow-Wow! + + The RAIKES' teeth were bared--a most terrible sight!-- + At the Messenger Companies. Now all seems joy + For the Public, the P.O., the Co., and the Boy! + The Dog in the Manger JOHN BULL did affright, + But--his bark is perhaps rather worse than his bite! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONS OF BRITANNIA; OR, THE UNITED SERVICE. + +[The Senior Admiral of the Fleet, SIR PROVO WILLIAM PARRY WALLIS, G.C.B., +who was in the action between the British Frigate _Shannon_ and the +American Frigate _Chesapeake_ on June 1st, 1813 (taking command of the +_Shannon_ after the disabling of Captain BROKE), celebrated the hundredth +anniversary of his birthday on April 12th, 1891. + +Lieutenant GRANT "displayed great bravery and judgment" (_Times_) in the +defence of Thobal against the Manipuris, April, 1891.]] + + * * * * * + +SONS OF BRITANNIA. + +1813--1891. + +_Britannia loquitur_:-- + + From Boston Bay to Thobal fort + Is a far cry, but bravery bridges + The centuries, and of space makes sport. + The shot that swept the salt sea-ridges + When VERE BROKE of the _Shannon_ smote + The foe, and, struck, left WALLIS smiting,-- + Sends echoes down the years that float + To Thobal o'er the sounds of fighting. + Memories of greatness make men great! + Brave centenarian, you with pleasure + May greet the youth who guard our State. + You, whose long memories can measure + So wide a sweep of England's war, + Must joy to see her served as boldly + As in those sad mad days afar, + When, gazing on her children coldly, + She alienated kindred hearts, + Which might till now have beaten loyal. + At least you both played well _your_ parts, + Though blunderers blind, official, royal, + May then or now have marred the work + Of arduous years, and gallant spirits, + My sons at least no peril shirk, + Valour from age to age inherits. + The old tradition, duteous stands + For the old Flag, wherever flying! + Brave WALLIS, gallant GRANT, clasp hands! + My sons! Unfaltering, undying, + Beneath grey hairs, or youth's brown locks, + The spirit proud of patriot valour! + Not desperate odds in war's wild shocks + Shall strike its flush to craven pallor. + Mud-fort, or "mealey" bastion, deck + Of shot-torn ship, or red "death-valley," + What odds? Of danger nought I reck, + Whilst thus my sons to me can rally. + Come what, come will! Whilst centuried age + And youth in Spring strike hands before me, + Let foemen band, let battle rage, + You'll keep my Flag still flying o'er me! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GENERAL IDEA" + +HITTING ON A NOVEL PLAN FOR OUR COAST DEFENCES.] + + * * * * * + +The Yankee Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel. + + Our people will not stand it--no! + Of Fiction, limp or strong, + Yanks want but little here below, + Nor want that little _long_! + (But oh! our (Saxon) stars one thanks, + Romance is _not_ (yet) ruled by Yanks!) + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +THE TAX-COLLECTOR'S HEART. + + I know his step, his ring, his knock, + I hear him, too, explain, + With emphasis my nerves that shock, + That he "won't call again!" + I know that bodes a coming storm-- + A summons looms a-head! + I follow his retreating form, + And note his stealthy tread! + Some grace to beg, implore, beseech, + 'Twere vain! Let him depart! + I know no human cry can reach + That Tax-Collector's heart! + + He kept his word. To claim that rate + He never called again. + An outraged Vestry, loth to wait, + Soon made their purpose plain. + I know not how, I missed the day,-- + But that fell summons came. + Two shillings costs it took to play + That Tax-Collector's game. + I own the outlay was not much! + But, _that_ is not the smart: + 'Tis that no anguished shriek can touch + That Tax-Collector's heart! + + * * * * * + +"MORS ET VITA."--A fine performance, April 15, at Albert Hall, with ALBANI, +HILDA WILSON, Messrs. LLOYD, and WATKIN MILLS, and Dr. MACKENZIE, as +conductor or con-doctor. I should have given, writes our correspondent, a +full and enthusiastic account of it, but that I was bothered all the time +by two persons near me, who would talk and wouldn't listen. Thank goodness, +they didn't stay throughout the performance. In a theatre they'd have been +hushed down, but this is such a big place that a talking duet is heard only +in the immediate neighbourhood of the talkers; and then no one wants to +have a row during the performance of sacred music. It's like brawling in +church. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +THE TITHES QUESTION.--I am the Vicar of a country Church in Wales; but +owing to the total failure of my last attempt to distrain on the stock of a +neighbouring farmer, on which occasion I was tossed over a hedge by an +infuriated cow, my family and myself are starving. I wish to know if I can +legally pawn the lectern, the ancient carved pulpit, and several rare old +sedilia in the Church? Or they would be exchanged for an immediate supply +of their value in groceries.--URGENT. + +ANNOYANCE FROM NEIGHBOUR.--I live in a quiet street, and my next-door +neighbour has suddenly converted his house into a Fried Fish Shop. Some of +his boxes protrude into my front garden. Have I the right of seizing them, +and eating contents, supposing them to be fit for human consumption? My +house is perpetually filled with the aroma of questionable herrings, and +very pronounced haddocks. I have asked, politely, for compensation, and +received only bad language. What should be my next step?--PERPLEXED. + +DEED OF GIFT.--Upon my eldest son's marriage I wish to make him a really +handsome money present. My idea is to hand over to him £100, on condition +that he repays me ten per cent, as long as I live, my age now being +forty-five. Then as to security. Had I better get a Bill of Sale on the +furniture, which he has just had given him by his wife's father for their +new house, or how can I most effectually bind him?--GENEROUS PARENT. + +HOLIDAY TRIP.--Would one of your readers inform me of a locality where I +can take my next summer's holiday of a month, for £3 10_s._, fare included? +It must be near the sea and high mountains, with a genial though bracing +climate. Good boating and bathing. Strictly honest lodging-house keepers +and romantic surroundings indispensable.--EASY TO PLEASE. + + * * * * * + +COMING DRESS. + +(_Sweet Seventeen to the would-be Sumptuary Reformers at the Kensington +Town Hall._) + + Vainly on Fashion you make war, + With querulous Book, and quaint Bazaar, + Good Ladies of the Higher Light! + A Turkish Tea-gown, loose or tight, + Won't win us to the Rational Cult; + Japanese skirts do but insult + Our elder instincts, to which _Reason_ + Is nothing more nor less than treason. + Your "muddy weather costume" moves us + No more than satire, which reproves us + _Ad nauseam_, and for whose rebuff + We never care one pinch of snuff. + No, Ladies HARBERTON and COFFIN. + Your pleading, like the critics' "scoffin" + Touches us not; have we not smiled, + Mocking, at Mrs. OSCAR WILDE? + And shall we welcome with delight + Queer robes that make a girl "a fright?" + Pooh-pooh! We're simply imperturbable, + The Reign of Fashion's undisturbable. + The "Coming Dress?"--that's all sheer humming, + We only care for Dress _be_-Coming! + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._) + +No. XXV.--THE ADULATED CLERGYMAN. + +The Adulated Clergyman possesses many of the genuine qualities of the +domestic cat, in addition to a large stock of the characteristics which +tradition has erroneously assigned to that humble hut misunderstood animal. +Like a cat, he is generally sleek and has become an adept in the art of +ingratiating himself with those who wear skirts and dispense comforts. Like +a cat, too, he has an insinuating manner; he can purr quite admirably in +luxurious surroundings, and, on the whole, he prefers to attain his objects +by a circuitous method rather than by the bluff and uncompromising +directness which is employed by dogs and ordinary honest folk of the canine +sort. Moreover, he likes a home, but--here comes the difference--the homes +of others seem to attract and retain him more strongly than his own. And if +it were useful to set out the points of difference in greater detail, it +might be said that the genuine as opposed to the traditional cat often +shows true affection and quite a dignified resentment of snubs, is never +unduly familiar, and makes no pretence of being better than other cats +whose coats happen to be of a different colour. But it is better, perhaps, +at once to consider the Adulated Clergyman in his own person, and not in +his points of resemblance to or difference from other animals. + +[Illustration] + +He who afterwards becomes an Adulated Clergyman has probably been a mean +and grubby schoolboy, with a wretched but irresistible inclination to +sneak, and to defend himself for so doing on principle. It is of course +wrong to break rules at school, authority must be respected, masters must +be obeyed, but it is an honourable tradition amongst schoolboys that boys +who offend--since offences must come--should owe their consequent +punishment to the unassisted efforts of those who hold rule, rather than to +the calculating interference of another boy, who, though he may have shared +the offence, is unwilling to take his proportion of the result. A sneak, +therefore, has in all ages been invested with a badge of infamy, which no +amount of strictly scholastic success has ever availed to remove from him; +and his fellows, recognising that he has saved his own skin at the expense +of theirs, do their best to make up the difference to him in contempt and +abuse. Schoolboys are not distinguished for a fastidious reticence. If they +dislike, they never hesitate to say so, and they have a painfully downright +way of giving reasons for their behaviour, which is apt to jar on a +temperament so sensitive that its owner always and only treads the path of +high principle when self-interest points him in the same direction. + +The school career of the future pastor was not, therefore, a very happy +one, for at school there are no feeble women to be captivated by +heartrending revelations of a noble nature at war with universal +wickedness, and all but shattered by the assaults of an unfeeling world. +Nor, strange to say, do schoolmasters, as a rule, value the boy who ranges +himself on their side in the eternal war between boys and masters. However, +he proceeded in due time to a University. There he let it be known that his +ultimate destination was the Church, but he had his own method of +qualifying for his profession. He was not afflicted with the possession of +great muscular strength, or of a very robust health. Neither the river nor +the football-field attracted him. Cricket was a bore, athletic sports were +a burden; the rough manners of the ordinary Undergraduates made him +shudder. However, since at College there are sets of all sorts and sizes, +he soon managed to fashion for himself a little world of effete and mincing +idlers, who adored themselves even more than they worshipped one another. +They drank deep from the well of modern French literature, and chattered +interminably of RICHEPIN, GUY DE MAUPASSANT, PAUL BOURGET, and the rest. +They themselves were their own favourite native writers; but their morbid +sonnets, their love-lorn elegies, their versified mixtures of passion and a +quasi-religious mysticism, were too sacred for print, though they were +sometimes adapted to thin and fluttering airs, and sung to sympathisers in +private. Most of these gentlemen were "ploughed" in their examination, but +the hero of this sketch secured his degree without honours, and departed to +read for the Church. + +Soon afterwards he was ordained, was plunged ruthlessly into an East-End +parish, and disappeared for a time from view. He emerged, after an interval +of several years. The occasion was the inaugural meeting of a Guild for the +Conversion of Music-hall _Artistes_, which is to this day spoken of amongst +the irreverent as the Song and Sermon Society. The sensation of the meeting +was caused by the fervent speech of a clergyman, who announced that he +himself had been for some months a professional Variety Singer, attached to +more than one Music-hall, and that, having studied the life _de près_, he +knew all its temptations, and was therefore qualified to speak from +experience as to the best means of elevating those who pursued it. The +details of his story, as they fell from the mouth of the reverend speaker, +were highly spiced. His hearers were amused, interested, and stirred; and, +when a daily newspaper gave a headlined account of the speech, with a +portrait of the speaker, the professional fortune of the Adulated Clergyman +(for it was he) was assured. + +Shortly afterwards his biography appeared in a series published in a weekly +periodical under the title of _Unconventional Clerics_, and he himself +wrote a touching letter on "The Plague Spots of Nova Zembla," in which an +eloquent appeal was made for subscriptions on behalf of the inhabitants of +that chill and neglected region. Ladies now began to say to one another: +"Have you heard Mr. So-and-So preach? Really, not? Oh, you should. He's so +wonderful, so convincing, so unlike all others. You must come with me next +Sunday," and thus gradually he gathered round him in his remote church a +band of faithful women, drawn from the West End by the fame of his +unconventional eloquence. A not too fastidious critic might, perhaps, have +been startled by a note of vulgarity in his references to sacred events, as +well as by the tone of easy and intimate familiarity with which he spoke of +those whose names are generally mentioned with bated breath, and printed +with capital letters; but the most refined women seemed to find in all this +an additional fascination. His sermons dealt in language which was at the +same time plain and highly-coloured. He denounced his congregation roundly +as the meanest of sinners. To the women he was particularly merciless. He +tore to rags their little vesture of self-respect, shattered their nerves +with emotional appeals, harrowed all their feelings, and belaboured them so +violently with prophecies of wrath, that they left church, after shedding +gallons of tears and emptying their expiatory purses into the +subscription-plate, in a state of pale but pious pulp. In the +drawing-rooms, however, to which he afterwards resorted, his manner +changed. His voice became soft; he poured oil into the wounds he had +inflicted. "How are you to-day?" he would say, in his caressing way. "Is +the neuralgia any better? And the dulness of spirits? has meditation +prevailed over it? Ah me! it is the lot of the good to suffer, and silence, +perhaps, were best." Whereupon he is treated as a Father Confessor of +domestic troubles, and persuades young married women that their husbands +misunderstand them. + +It is unnecessary to add that his subscription-lists flourished, his +bazaars prospered, his missions and retreats overflowed with feminine +money, and his Church was overloaded with floral tributes. The brutal tribe +of men, however, sneered at him, and perversely suspected his motives; nor +were they reconciled to him when they saw him relieving the gloom of a +generally (so it was understood) ascetic existence by dining at a smart +restaurant with a galaxy of devoted women, whom he proposed to conduct in +person to a theatre. Such, then, is, or was, the Adulated Clergyman. It is +unnecessary to pursue his career further. Perhaps he quarrelled with his +Bishop, and unfrocked himself; possibly he found himself in a Court of Law, +where an unsympathetic jury recorded a painful verdict against him. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +My faithful "Co." says he has been reading the latest novel by "JOHN +STRANGE WYNTER," called, _The Other Man's Wife_, as the French would +observe, "without pleasure." As a rule he rather enjoys the works of the +Author of _Bootle's Baby_, and other stories of a semi-ladylike +semi-military character; but the newest tale is one too many for him. The +"man" is a mixture of snob and cad,--say "a snad,"--the "other man" a +combination of coward and bully, the "wife" a worthy mate to both of them. +The plot shows traces of hasty construction, otherwise it is difficult to +account for the "man's" intense astonishment at inheriting a title from his +cousin, and the farfetched clearing up of a sensational West-End murder. My +"Co." fancies that the peerage given to the "man," and the _vendetta_ of +the Polish Countess, both introduced rather late in Vol. II., must have +been after-thoughts. However, the end of the story is both novel and +entertaining. The feeble, fickle heroine is made to marry, as her second +husband, the man who (as an accessory after the fact) has been the murderer +of her first! And the best of the joke is--she does not know it! My "Co." +has also been much amused by a brightly-written Novel, in one volume, +called _A Bride from the Bush_. Mr. E. W. HORNUNG evidently knows his +subject well, and has caught the exact tone, or rather nasal twang of our +Australian cousins. My "Co." says that "the Bride" is a particularly +pleasant young person, thanks to her youth, good heart, and beauty. +However, it is questionable--taking her as a sample--whether her "people" +would "pan out" quite so satisfactorily. On the whole it would seem that +Australians who have "made their pile" by buying and selling land are +better at a distance--say as Aborigines! + +It is also the opinion of my faithful "Co." that the Clarendon Press series +of _Rulers of India_, has never contained a better volume than the _Life of +Mayo_, a work recently contributed by the Editor, Sir WILLIAM WILSON +HUNTER. Admirably written, the book gives in the pleasantest form +imaginable, a most eventful chapter in the History of Hindostan. But more, +the pages have a pathetic personal interest, as the subject of the memoir +was for many years misunderstood, and consequently, misrepresented. Even +the _London Charivari_ was unfair to the great Earl, but as Sir WILLIAM +hastens to say, "at his death stood first in its generous acknowledgment of +his real dessert, as it had led the dropping fire of raillery three years +before." The author has, by publishing this most welcome addition to a +capitally edited series, added yet another item to the long list of +services he has rendered to our Empire in the distant East. + +Since Miss FLORENCE WARDEN'S _House on the Marsh_, says the Baron, I have +not read a more exciting tale than the same authoress's _Pretty Miss +Smith_. It should be swallowed right off at a sitting, for if your interest +in it is allowed to cool during an interval, you may find it a little +difficult to get up the steam to the high-pressure point necessary for the +real enjoyment of a sensational story. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +SILENT SHAKSPEARE. + +DEAR MR. EDITOR, + +The great success that has attended the production of _L'Enfant Prodigue_ +at the Prince of Wales's Theatre has encouraged me to make a suggestion in +the cause of English Art. Why not SHAKSPEARE in dumb show? The Bard himself +introduced it in "The Play Scene." Allow me to suggest it thus:-- + + SCENE--_A more remote part of the Platform in Elsinore Castle. Enter_ + GHOST; _then_ HAMLET. + +_Hamlet_ (_in dumb show_). "Where wilt thou lead me? Speak!" (_In dumb +show._) "I'll go no further." + +_Ghost, by kissing his hand towards the horizon, shows that his hour is +almost come, when he is bound to render himself to sulphurous and +tormenting flames. The latter part of his description is composed of his +shrinking about the stage, as if suffering from intense heat._ + +_Hamlet buries his face in his hands, and sobs pitifully, expressing_ +"Alas, poor Ghost!" + +_Ghost repudiates compassion by turning up his nose, and throwing forward +his hands; and then, by pointing from his mouth to his ear, demands_ +HAMLET'S _serious attention._ + +_Hamlet touches his own lips, points to_ GHOST, _slaps his heart, and bows, +intimating that the_ GHOST _is to_ "Speak!" _and he is_ "bound to hear." + +_Ghost explains that he is his father's spirit by stroking_ HAMLET'S _face, +and then his own, and then shrinks about the stage to weird music, +descriptive of his prison-house. He concludes by appealing to_ HAMLET'S +_love for him by pressing his clasped hands to his own heart, and then +pointing towards the left-hand side of his son._ + +_Hamlet jerks his hands passionately upwards, as if saying_, "Oh Heaven!" + +_Ghost then asks for revenge by touching his dagger, and pointing towards +the sky. He acts the murder in the garden, showing the serpent who stung +him by gliding about the stage on his chest, like the boneless man. He +shows his murderer to be of his own blood by walking up and down as +himself, and then in the same way, but with a slight limp, as if he were +his brother._ + +_Hamlet might here exhibit_ "_Zadkiel's Almanack" as_ "prophetic," _and +slap the sole of his shoe for_ "soul;" _for_ "my Uncle" _it would be +sufficient to produce a pawnbroker's ticket_:--"Oh my prophetic soul! Mine +Uncle!" + +_Then the Ghost in great detail acts the murder in the orchard, imitating +the apples and the singing birds, the setting sun, &c., &c. He shows the +composition of the poison after its plucking from a bush, and its arrival +in the laboratory. He represents the actual pouring of the poison in his +ear. He hints too (by suggesting the action of the bell-ringer) that he was +never really mourned, and concludes a most spirited Ballet d'Action by a +rapid sketch of the paling of the ineffectual fires of the glow-worm. As he +leaves to the music of_ "Then you'll Remember Me," HAMLET _imitates +cockcrow, which brings the entertainment to an appropriate termination._ + +Surely this would be an improvement upon the conventional reading? In this +case where speech is silvern, silence would be golden. + +Trusting some Manager will take the matter up, + +I remain, always yours sincerely, + +A DUMB WAITER. + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday.--Faust_ and Foremost. Miss EAMES better even than she was last +week. NED DE RESZKÉ not so diabolical a _Mephistopheles_ as M. MAUREL. + + NEDDY RESZKÉ + Not so goblineske, + +and a stouter sort of demon, but of course a "_bon diable_." + +[Illustration: Cards held by Druriolanus Operaticus.] + +_Wednesday._--_Roméo et Julietta._ JACK and NED DE RESZKÉ _Roméo_ and _The +Friar_. Why the waltz alone, which ought to be on every organ besides Miss +EAMES'S, but which, strange to say, isn't thoroughly popular, should be +enough to make an Opera; but it's like the proportion of one swallow in the +composition of a summer, and, however well sung, it does not do everything. +It's a dull Opera. + +_Thursday._--_Carmen_ again. House not immense. Persons "of note" chiefly +on the stage. JULIA same as before; therefore refer to previous notice. Cab +and carriage service after the theatres everywhere wants reforming +altogether. We may not be worse off than in any other capital of Europe, +but we ought to be far ahead of them. + +Somebody or other complained of my writing "GLÜCK" instead of "GLUCK," He +didn't like the two dots; one too many for the poor chap, already in his +dotage, so to relieve him and soothe him, I'll write it "GLUCK," and then +he can go to the proprietor of "DAVIDSON'S Libretto Books" and ask him to +take the dotlets off the "Ü" in GLÜCK. I wonder if my strongly-spectacle'd +fault-finder writes the name of HANDEL correctly? I dare say so correct a +person never falls into any sort of error; or if he does, never admits it. +I like it done down to dots, as "HÄNDEL," myself; it looks so uncommonly +learned. + +_Saturday._--_Tannhäuser._ Full and appreciative house to welcome the +_rentrée_ of Madame ALBANI, who was simply perfection and the perfection of +simplicity as the self-sacrificing heroine _Elizabeth_. From a certain +Wagnerian-moral point of view, no better impersonator,--dramatically at +least, if not operatically,--of the sensual Falstaffian Knight could be +found than Signer PEROTTI; and, from every point of view, no finer +representation of the Cyprian Venus than Mlle. SOFIA RAVOGLI. M. MAUREL was +admirable in every way as the moral _Wolframo_, and Signor ABRAMOFF the +gravest of Landgraves. The full title of this Opera should be _Tannhäuser; +or, The Story of a Bard who sang a questionable kind of Song in the highest +Society, and what came of it._ + +Fine effect at end of First Act, when prancing steeds, with secondhand +park-hack saddles, at quite half-a-crown an hour, are brought in, and, on a +striking tableau of bold but impecunious warriors refusing to mount, the +Curtain descends. + +Then what pleasure to see _Albani-Elizabeth_ receiving the guests in Act +II., varying the courtesies with an affectionate embrace whenever a +particular friend among the ladies-of-the-court-chorus came in view. My +LORD CHAMBERLAIN, viewing the scene from his private box, must have picked +up many a hint for Court etiquette from studying this remarkable scene. +Then how familiar to us all is the arrangement of the bards all in a row, +like our old friends the Christy Minstrels, _Tannhäuser_ being the +Tambourine, and _Wolfram_ the Bones! Charming. Great success. Repeat it by +all means. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHIVALRY AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. + +"NOW, COOK, JUST YOU LOOK HERE! LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF BACON I'VE JUST GIVEN +YOUR MISTRESS! IT'S THE THICKEST AND WORST CUT I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE!--AND +THIS PIECE I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE MYSELF IS _ONLY A LITTLE BETTER!_"] + + * * * * * + +"PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY, SIR!" + +A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE. + +_Poor Income-Tax Payer, loquitur_:-- + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + My hope is almost dead; + You hold the swag in that black bag, + And high you lift your head. + Some years I have been asking this, + But no one heeds my plea. + Will you not give me _something_ then, + _This_ year, good Mister G.? + Oh! please give me a Penny! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + _You_ won't say "no" to me, + Because I'm poor, and feel the pinch + Of dreadful "Schedule D"! + You're so high-dried, and so correct, + So honest and austere! + Remember the full "Tanner," Sir, + I've stumped up year by year, + And please give me a Penny! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + My Income is but small, + And the hard Tax laid on our backs + I _should_ not pay at all. + But I'm too feeble to resist, + And do not like to lie; + And Sixpence, under Schedule D, + Torments me till I cry, + Do please give me a Penny, Sir! + + Consols, or Dividends, or Rents + Don't interest _me_ much; + "Goschens," reduced or otherwise, + Are things _I_ may not touch, + Two hundred pounds per year, all told, + Leaves little room for "exes;" + And 'tisn't only _public_ men + That "lack of pence" much vexes. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + The mysteries of High Finance + I don't presume to plumb; + So year by year my back they shear, + Sure that they'll find _me_ dumb. + But the oft-trodden worm will turn; + "Demand Notes" never slack; + And "Schedule D" fast at twice three, + Breaks the wage-earner's back. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + The moneyed swells who make "returns," + Much at their own sweet will, + Don't gauge the poor clerk's scanty purse, + The small shopkeeper's till, + How hard 'tis to make both ends meet, + When hard times tightly nip; + Or how small incomes sorely feel + The annual sixpenny dip. + So please give me a Penny, Sir! + + Please give me a Penny, Sir! + 'Tis heard on every side, + Muttered by poverty's pinched lip, + Silent so long--from pride. + Ah! listen to their pleadings, Sir, + And pity the true poor, + Whose life is one long fight to keep + The wolf from the house-door. + Oh, please give me a Penny, Sir! + + * * * * * + +"ROOSE IN URBE."--Dr. ROBSON ROOSE has returned to town after a trip to +Madeira. + + * * * * * + +"SWEET STRIFE." + +_By an Unionist M.P._ + + When PARNELL's mocked by HEALY, + In strident voice and squealy; + When HEALY'S snubbed by PARNELL, + In voice as from the charnel-- + I understand the windy + Wild charm of WAGNER'S shindy. + Discord _may_ be melodious, + When Harmony sounds odious; + Than _Israfel_ more dear is + Old Erin's latest _Eris!_ + + * * * * * + +THE _IN_-KERRECT KERR. + +IT was once said that Pianos may now be had on "MOORE and MOORE" easy terms +every day. Mrs. WALTER found that those "easy terms" involved such +pleasures as returning the instrument she had paid many instalments on, +getting an order from the masterful Mr. Commissioner KERR to pay costs as +well, and committal to prison for three weeks on the charge of "contempt of +Court"--for disobeying an order which Justices SMITH and GRANTHAM declare +the genial Commissioner had no sort of right to make!!! + +If this is the "hire-purchase system," a piano-less life is infinitely +preferable to braving its manifold perils and penalties. Easy terms, +indeed? Yes,--about as "easy" as "easy shaving" with a serrated +oyster-knife! Mrs. WALTER'S fate should be a warning to would-be +piano-purchasers, and, _Mr. Punch_ would fain hope, to exacting +System-workers and arbitrary Commissioners. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY!" + +NEEDY INCOME-TAX PAYER (loq.). "HOPE YOU WON'T FORGET ME _THIS TIME_, +SIR!!"] + + * * * * * + +FOR BETTER OR WORSE! + +(_Two Views of the Same Subject._) + +POSSIBLE ROMANCE. + + SCENE--_A Dungeon beneath the Castle Moat. Wife chained to a post, with + bread and water beside her. Enter Husband, with cat-o'-nine-tails._ + +_Husband._ And now, after ten days' seclusion, will you make over your +entire property to me, signing the deed with your life's blood? + +_Wife_ (_in a feeble voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you +to the last! + +_Husband._ Then die! [_He is about to leave the dungeon, when he is +met by a Messenger from the Court of Appeal._ + +_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner! + +_Husband._ Foiled! [_Joy of_ Wife, _and tableau, as the Curtain +falls._ + +PROBABLE REALITY. + + SCENE--_The Church-door of a fashionable Church. Wife bidding adieu to + Husband._ + +_Husband._ Surely, now that my name and fortune are yours, you will +reconsider your decision, and at least accompany me back to our wedding +breakfast? + +_Wife_ (_in a firm voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you to +the last! + +_Husband._ This is rank nonsense! You must take my arm. [_He is about +to leave the Church-porch, when he is met by a Messenger from the Court of +Appeal._ + +_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner! + +_Husband._ Sold! [_Joy of Wife, and tableau, as the Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +"WHAT'S IN A NAME?" + + The "Cony" is feeble, the Bear's a rough bore. + But CONYBEARE'S both, and perhaps a bit more! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SMART NEW BOY IN CLOAK-ROOM HAS NOTED GENTLEMEN SHUTTING UP +THEIR CRUSH HATS, AND PROMPTLY FLATTENS DE JONES'S BEST SILK TOPPER!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE OTHER MAN. + + My health is good, I know no pain, + I am not married to a wife; + From all accounts I'm fairly sane, + And yet I'm sick to death of life. + + The path that leads to wealth and fame + Cannot be traversed in a day; + I find it twice as hard a game, + Because a spectre bars the way. + + It has no terrors such as his + Away from which the children ran; + It's not the Bogey, but it _is_ + The Other Man. + + I met a girl, she seemed to be + A kind of vision from above. + She wasn't--but, alas! for me, + I weakly went and fell in love. + + Her father was a _millionnaire_, + Which didn't make me love her less. + I thought her quite beyond compare, + And gave long odds she'd answer "Yes." + + She thrilled me with each lovely look + She gave me from behind her fan, + She took my heart, and then she took-- + The Other Man. + + Farewell to Love! I thought I'd try + My level best to get a post; + The salary was not too high, + Two hundred pounds a-year at most. + + Committeemen in conclave sat, + Their questions all were cut and dried: + Oh, was I this? And did I that? + And twenty thousand things beside-- + + As did I smoke? and could I play + At golf? or did I get the gout? + And--most important--could I say + My mother knew that I was out? + + Then two were chosen. Should I "do"? + Perhaps!--and, just as I began + To hope, of course they gave it to + The Other Man. + + All uselessly I've learnt to swear + And use expressions that are vile; + In vain, in vain I've torn my hair + In quite the most artistic style. + + Yet one thing would I gladly learn-- + Yes, tell me quickly, if you can-- + Shall I be also, in my turn, + The Other Man? + + * * * * * + +THE KEY TO A LOCK. + + ["A lock of ----'s hair, set in a small gold-rimmed case, and said to + be an ancient family possession, was knocked down for forty pounds."] + + Take yonder lock of tangled hair, + A silver seamed with sable, + Dim harbinger from dreamland fair + Of reverie and fable; + + Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take, + A trinket loved, if little, + And wear it, darling, for my sake, + In yonder locket brittle; + + Small, as my banker's balance, small + And faint--a touching token; + My luck, the lock, the locket, all + Seem, child, a trifle broken. + + Investments, boy, are looking glum; + They flit and fade; in fine a + Not inconsiderable sum + Has gone to--Argentina. + + Nay, chide me not; one day, refilled + By these, may shine your pocket, + And Fortune's resurrection gild + The lock within the locket. + + Because, you see, when strong and sage + You grow, and all the serried + Lights of the great Victorian age + With me are quenched and buried; + + When other men in other days + Walk paramount--then shall you + Submit the thing to such as praise + The Past, its relics value. + + The curl was worn, you'll tell your friends, + By TENNYSON or BROWNING + (The detail of the name depends + On who is worth renowning). + + You'll vaunt that one who knew the grand + Victorian Stars, and rather + Deserved himself to join the band + (In fact your father's father), + + Who, past expression, loved whate'er + The market cottons _then_ to, + Committed to your childish care + This genuine memento. + + You'll catalogue it, as befalls + Your choice, my little gran'son; + You'll bear it to the deathless halls + Of CHRISTIE, WOODS, AND MANSON. + + So, when the fateful hammer sounds, + And you have cashed in rhino + A cheque for, haply, forty pounds, + You'll bless your grandsire, I know; + + Who, while his fortunes failed, and much + Was life's horizon o'ercast, + _Created_ souvenirs with such + A keen, commercial forecast. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS--SIR WILLIAM VARIETY HARCOURT.] + + * * * * * + +BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY. + +(_Fragment from a Romance founded upon evidence given before the Select +Committee upon Dram-drinking._) + +"I really think the experiment should be made," said the Professor. "Our +knowledge on the subject is so imperfect, that nothing definite can be +accurately pronounced." + +"True enough," replied one of his friends; "but although the end to be +attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by the scrupulous +'questionable?'" + +"By the over-scrupulous, perhaps," returned the Professor, with a smile. + +"And the expense," observed a second of his intimates, "will be no small +consideration. If we put the matter to a thorough test, a large quantity--a +very large quantity of the necessary liquid will have to be purchased and +disposed of. Am I not right in hazarding this supposition?" + +"Undoubtedly," responded the Professor, "and the cost will be enhanced by +the fact that the necessary liquids will have to be of the best possible +quality. As Dr. PAVEY observed before the Committee 'It is not the alcohol +in itself that is injurious, but the by-products.' Our aim must be to +eliminate the by-products." + +"I think the idea first-rate," said the third friend; and then he paused +and added, seemingly as an after-thought, "Pass the bottle." + +So the Professor and his three companions decided to make the investigation +in the cause of scientific research. It was resolved that after a week they +should meet again, and that in the meanwhile they should in their own +persons carry on the experiment continuously. When this had been arranged +the friends parted company. + +At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a concrete fact. +The Professor's friends were the first to appear at the rendezvous. They +were unsteady as to their gait, their neckties were in disorder and their +hair falling carelessly over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an +eyesight that seemingly was temporarily defective. They sank into three +chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually resolved itself +into a frown. Then they filled up the pause caused by the non-appearance of +the Professor by weeping silently. Their emotion was not of long duration, +as the originator of the experiment was soon in their midst. He seemed to +be in excellent health and spirits. + +"My dear friend," he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone to clip +his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of the plural, when the latter +would have been more conventional, "My dear friend, glad see you all. Hope +you well." + +His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which +ended in further weeping. + +"This very painful," continued the Professor, resting his hand somewhat +heavily on the back of a chair; "very painful indeed! Fact is, you been +taking wrong things!" + +His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively. + +"Yes you have! Sure of it! You, Sir--imbibed whiskey! No harm in good +whiskey--excellent thing, good whiskey! But injuriverius--should say, +injurious--if has too much flavour of malt! Your whiskey too much flavour +of malt! You took brandy--bad brandy--too much taste of grapes! You took +rum--bad rum--too much mo--mo--molasses! Now I took all three--whiskey, +brandy, rum, but pure--no by-products. No, not at all. Result! See! Sober +as judge!" + +And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at this +point of his discourse, joined his friends under the table! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CYCLING NOTES. + +_He._ "DO YOU BELONG TO THE PSYCHICAL SOCIETY?" + +_She._ "NO; BUT I SOMETIMES GO OUT ON MY BROTHER'S MACHINE!"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_March 20. "George Hotel," Billsbury._--Arrived here yesterday afternoon. +Mother made up her mind to come with me, being very anxious, she said, to +hear one of my splendid speeches. She brought luggage enough to last for a +week, and insisted on taking her poodle _Carlo_, who was an awful nuisance, +in the train. He growled horribly at old TOLLAND and BLISSOP when they came +to see me at the Hotel before dinner. Very awkward. TOLLAND wanted to put +before me the state of the case with regard to registration expenses. The +upshot was that the Candidate is expected to subscribe £80 a year to the +Association for this purpose, which I eventually agreed to do. Found +fourteen letters waiting for me. No. 1 was from Miss POSER, the Secretary +of the Billsbury Women's Suffrage League, asking me to receive a small +deputation on the question, and to lay my views before them. No. 2 from the +Anti-Vaccination League, stating that a deputation had been appointed to +meet me, in order to learn my views, and requesting me to fix a date. No. 3 +and No. 4, from two local lodges of Oddfellows, each declaring it to be of +the highest importance that I should become an Oddfellow and proposing +dates for my initiation. Nos. 5, 6 and 7 were from Secretaries of funds for +the restoration or building of Churches and Chapels, appealing for +subscriptions. Nos. 8, 9, and 10, from three more local Cricket Clubs, who +have elected me an Honorary Member, and want subscriptions. No. 11 from a +Children's Meat Tea Fund. No. 12 asked me to subscribe to a Bazaar, and to +attend its opening in June. No. 13, from the local Fire Brigade, and No. 14 +from the Secretary of the Local Society for improving the Breed of +Bullfinches, recommending this "national object" to my favourable notice. +Shall have to keep a Secretary, likewise a book of accounts. Where is it +all going to end? + +The Mass Meeting went off well enough. The Assembly Rooms were crammed. +(The _Meteor_ says, with its usual accuracy and _good taste_, "The +attendance was small, the proceedings were dull. A wonderful amount of +stale Jingoism was afterwards swept up by the caretakers from the floor. +Our Conservative friends are so wasteful.") I was adopted as Candidate +almost unanimously, only ten hands being held up against me. One or two +questions were asked--one about local option, which rather stumped me--but +I managed to express great sympathy with the Temperance party without, I +hope, offending publicans. + +_Carlo_ somehow or other got out of the hotel and followed us to the +meeting without being noticed. Poodles are all as cunning as Old Nick. He +lay quite low in some corner or other, until Colonel CHORKLE was in the +middle of a tremendous appeal to "the stainless banner which 'as so often +been borne to triumph by Billsbury's embattled chivalry." The Colonel +thumped on the table very hard, and _Carlo_, I suppose, had his eye on him +and thought he was going to thump me. At any rate he sprang out and dashed +at the Colonel, barking furiously. I had to seize him and take him outside. +The Colonel turned quite pale. _The Meteor_ says: "The war-like ardour +which burns in the breast of Colonel CHORKLE was well-nigh extinguished by +an intelligent dog, whose interruptions provoked immense applause." I had +to apologise profusely to the Colonel afterwards. Mrs. CHORKLE looked +daggers at me. Mother was delighted with the meeting. She has written about +it to Aunt AMELIA. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, April 13._--So long since Lord STALBRIDGE +parted company from RICHARD GROSVENOR that he forgets manners and customs +of House of Commons. Not being satisfied with choice made by Committee of +Selection of certain Members on Committee dealing with Railway Rates and +Charges, STALBRIDGE writes peremptory letter to Chairman, giving him severe +wigging; correspondence gets into newspapers; House of Commons, naturally +enough, very angry. Not going to stand this sort of thing from a mere Peer, +even though he be Chairman of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case +of privilege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front Bench, or by +WHITBREAD, or some other Member of standing. Somehow, whilst thing being +thought over and talked about, SEXTON undertakes to see it through. As soon +as questions over to-night, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically +impressive manner, announces intention of putting certain questions to JOHN +MOWBRAY, Chairman of Committee of Selection. Ordinary man would have put +his questions and sat down. But this a great occasion for SEXTON. Domestic +difficulties in Irish Party kept him away from Westminster for many weeks. +No opportunity for Windbag to come into action; now is the time, as +champion of privileges of House of Commons. Position one of some +difficulty. Not intending to conclude with a Motion, he would be out of +order in making a speech. Could only ask question. Question couldn't +possibly extend over two minutes; two minutes, nothing: with the Windbag +full, bursting after compulsory quiescence since Parliament opened. + +SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from time to time +moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, SEXTON +lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again, +patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so +thoroughly enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person +could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't SEXTON'S +funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper. + +[Illustration: A Cameron Man.] + +"No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be STALBRIDGE'S; but I +fancy SEXTON will save him from full inconvenience of the ceremony." + +So it turned out; House tired of business long before Windbag SEXTON had +blown himself out. Poor JOHN MOWBRAY admittedly flabberghasted by the +interminable string of questions under which SEXTON had tried to disguise +his speech. STALBRIDGE got off without direct censure, and DONALD CAMERON +abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Irish Land Bill. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-night after Easter Recess; come +together with a feeling that since last they met a gap been made in their +ranks that can never be filled. The gentle GRANVILLE'S seat is occupied by +another. Never more will the Peers look upon his kindly face, or hear his +lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite phrase. + +KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe man; one of the +rare kind whose reputation stands highest with the innermost circle of +those who work and live with him. To the outside world, the man in the +street, KIMBERLEY is an expression; some not quite sure whether he isn't a +territory in South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course; listened to with +respect, much as HALLAM'S _Constitutional History of England_ is +occasionally read. But when to-night he rises from GRANVILLE'S seat and +makes a speech that, with readjustment of circumstance, GRANVILLE himself +would have made, an assembly not emotional feels with keen pang how much it +has lost. + +The MARKISS should be here. Perhaps for himself it is as well he's away. To +him, more than anyone else in the House, the newly filled space on the +Bench opposite is of direful import. _The MARKISS has no peer now GRANVILLE +is gone; the two were in all characteristics and mental attitudes +absolutely opposed, and yet, like oil and vinegar, the mixing perfected the +salad of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at one +side of the table talking at large to the House, but with his eye fixed on +GRANVILLE; at the other, the dapper figure, with its indescribable air of +old-fashioned gentlemanhood, the light of his smile shed impartially on the +benches opposite, but his slight bow reserved for the MARKISS, as, leaning +across the table, he pinked him under the fifth rib with glittering +rapier--this is a sight that will never more gladden the eye in the House +of Lords. GRANVILLE was the complement of the MARKISS; the MARKISS was to +GRANVILLE an incentive to his bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet +to touch shield with lance across the table in the Lords. LYCIDAS is dead, +not ere his prime, it is true; + + "But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone, + Now thou art gone, and never must return!" + +It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that CRANBROOK, KIMBERLEY, DERBY, +and SELBORNE strummed their lament. But, speaking from different points of +view, without pre-concert, they struck the same chord in recognising the +ever unruffled gentleness of the nature of LYCIDAS--a gentleness not born +of weakness, a sweetness of disposition that did not unwholesomely cloy. +Only Mr. G. could have fitly spoken the eulogy of GRANVILLE. After him, the +task belonged to the MARKISS, and it was a pity that circumstances +prevented his undertaking it. _Business done_,--Irish Land Bill in Commons. + +_Wednesday._--Brer FOX turned up to-day, unexpectedly. So did MAURICE HEALY, +even more unexpectedly. Irish Sunday Closing Bill under discussion. Great +bulk of Irish Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by +Windbag SEXTON. Belfast Publicans, who find their business threatened, +insist that he shall oppose the Bill; does so accordingly, separating +himself from his party. Brer FOX quickly seized the opportunity; he, too, +on he side of the Publicans, who hold the purse, and, money (like some of +their customers) is tight. So PARNELL lavishly compliments Windbag SEXTON +on his "large and patriotic view"; hisses out his scorn for the Liberal +Party; declares that Ireland abhors the measure, which he calls a New +Coercion Bill. + +[Illustration: "The mildest-mannered Man."] + +Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, looking less +like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet voice, sounds clearly +through the House, and Mr. MAURICE HEALY is discovered denying Brer FOX'S +right to speak on this or any other public question for the constituency of +Cork. + +"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking young man +continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me about contesting the +seat." + +That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that rang +through House told how they had gone home. + +_Business done._--Irish Sunday Closing Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration] + +_Friday._--GRANDOLPH looked in for few minutes before dinner. A little +difficulty with doorkeeper. So disguised under beard, that failed to +recognise him; thought he was a stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when +GRANDOLPH turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of +lightning. + +"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the safety of his +chair with alacrity. + +GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to the manifest +chagrin of his jilted moustache. + +"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; don't know whether +I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland wants a King, and insists upon my +accepting the Crown, not sure I shall refuse." + +"GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he swung through the +Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same man since he grew it. + + "There was a Young Man with a beard, + Who said, 'It is just as I feared! + Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, + Have all built their nests in my beard.'" + +_Business done._--Committee on Irish Land Bill Dropping into Poetry, again. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, +Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not +even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or +Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +100, April 25, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14277 *** |