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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+April 25, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 25, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #14277]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+April 25th, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
+
+(_Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite._)
+
+No. III.--HEDDA GABLER.
+
+ACT I.
+
+    SCENE--_A Sitting-room cheerfully decorated in dark colours. Broad
+    doorway, hung with black crape, in the wall at back, leading to a back
+    Drawing-room, in which, above a sofa in black horsehair, hangs a
+    posthumous portrait of the late_ General GABLER. _On the piano is a
+    handsome pall. Through the glass panes of the back Drawing-room window
+    are seen a dead wall and a cemetery. Settees, sofas, chairs, &c.,
+    handsomely upholstered in black bombazine, and studded with small round
+    nails. Bouquets of immortelles and dead grasses are lying everywhere
+    about._
+
+_Enter_ Aunt JULIE (_a good-natured looking lady in a smart hat_).
+
+_Aunt J._ Well, I declare, if I believe GEORGE or HEDDA are up yet!
+(_Enter_ GEORGE TESMAN, _humming, stout, careless, spectacled._) Ah, my
+dear boy, I have called before breakfast to inquire how you and HEDDA are
+after returning late last night from your long honeymoon. Oh, dear me, yes;
+am I not your old Aunt, and are not these attentions usual in Norway?
+
+_George._ Good Lord, yes! My six months' honeymoon has been quite a little
+travelling scholarship, eh? I have been examining archives. Think of
+_that_! Look here, I'm going to write a book all about the domestic
+interests of the Cave-dwellers during the Deluge. I'm a clever young
+Norwegian man of letters, eh?
+
+_Aunt J._ Fancy your knowing about that too! Now, dear me, thank Heaven!
+
+_George._ Let me, as a dutiful Norwegian nephew, untie that smart, showy
+hat of yours. (_Unties it, and pats her under the chin._) Well, to be sure,
+you have got yourself really up,--fancy that!      [_He puts hat on chair
+close to table._
+
+_Aunt J._ (_giggling_). It was for HEDDA'S sake--to go out walking with her
+in. (HEDDA _approaches from the back-room; she is pallid, with cold, open,
+steel-grey eyes; her hair is not very thick, but what there is of it is an
+agreeable medium brown._) Ah, dear HEDDA!      [_She attempts to cuddle
+her._
+
+_Hedda_ (_shrinking back_). Ugh, let me go, do! (_Looking at_ Aunt JULIE'S
+_hat._) TESMAN, you must really tell the housemaid not to leave her old hat
+about on the drawing-room chairs. Oh, is it _your_ hat? Sorry I spoke, I'm
+sure!
+
+_Aunt J._ (_annoyed_). Good gracious, little Mrs. HEDDA; my nice new hat
+that I bought to go out walking with _you_ in!
+
+_George_ (_patting her on the back_). Yes, HEDDA, she did, and the parasol
+too! Fancy, Aunt JULIE always positively thinks of everything, eh?
+
+_Hedda_ (_coldly_). You hold _your_ tongue. Catch me going out walking with
+your aunt! One doesn't _do_ such things.
+
+_George_ (_beaming_). Isn't she a charming woman? Such fascinating manners!
+My goodness, eh? Fancy that!
+
+_Aunt J._ Ah, dear GEORGE, you ought indeed to be happy--but (_brings out a
+flat package wrapped in newspaper_) look _here_, my dear boy!
+
+_George_ (_opens it_). What? my dear old morning shoes! my slippers!
+(_Breaks down._) This is positively too touching, HEDDA, eh? Do you
+remember how badly I wanted them all the honeymoon? Come and just have a
+look at them--you _may_!
+
+_Hedda._ Bother your old slippers and your old aunt too! (Aunt JULIE _goes
+out annoyed, followed by_ GEORGE, _still thanking her warmly for the
+slippers_; HEDDA _yawns_; GEORGE _comes back and places his old slippers
+reverently on the table._) Why, here comes Mrs. ELVSTED--_another_ early
+caller! She had irritating hair, and went about making a sensation with
+it--an old flame of yours, I've heard.
+
+_Enter Mrs._ ELVSTED; _she is pretty and gentle, with copious wavy
+white-gold hair and round prominent eyes, and the manner of a frightened
+rabbit._
+
+_Mrs. E._ (_nervous_). Oh, please, I'm so perfectly in despair. EJLERT
+LOeVBORG, you know, who was our Tutor; he's written such a large new book. I
+inspired him. Oh, I know I don't look like it--but I did--he told me so.
+And, good gracious, now he's in this dangerous wicked town all alone, and
+he's a reformed character, and I'm _so_ frightened about him; so, as the
+wife of a Sheriff twenty years older than me, I came up to look after Mr.
+LOeVBORG. Do ask him here--then I can meet him. You will? How perfectly
+lovely of you! My husband's _so_ fond of him!
+
+_Hedda._ GEORGE, go and write an invitation at once; do you hear? (GEORGE
+_looks around for his slippers, takes them up and goes out._) Now we can
+talk, my little THEA. Do you remember how I used to pull your hair when we
+met on the stairs, and say I would scorch it off? Seeing people with
+copious hair always _does_ irritate me.
+
+_Mrs. E._ Goodness, yes, you were always so playful and friendly, and I was
+so afraid of you. I am still. And please, I've run away from my husband.
+Everything around him was distasteful to me. And Mr. LOeVBORG and I were
+comrades--he was dissipated, and I got a sort of power over him, and he
+made a real person out of me--which I wasn't before, you know; but, oh, I
+do hope I'm real now. He talked to me and taught me to think--chiefly of
+him. So, when Mr. LOeVBORG came here, naturally I came too. There was
+nothing else to do! And fancy, there is another woman whose shadow still
+stands between him and me! She wanted to shoot him once, and so, of course,
+he can never forget her. I wish I knew her name--perhaps it was that
+red-haired opera-singer?
+
+_Hedda_ (_with cold self-command_). Very likely--but nobody does that sort
+of thing here. Hush! Run away now. Here comes TESMAN with Judge BRACK.
+(Mrs. E. _goes out_; GEORGE _comes in with_ Judge BRACK, _who is a short
+and elastic gentleman, with a round face, carefully brushed hair, and
+distinguished profile._) How awfully funny you do look by daylight, Judge!
+
+[Illustration: "I am a gay Norwegian dog."]
+
+_Brack_ (_holding his hat and dropping his eye-glass_). Sincerest thanks.
+Still the same graceful manners, dear little Mrs. HED--TESMAN! I came to
+invite dear TESMAN to a little bachelor-party to celebrate his return from
+his long honeymoon. It is customary in Scandinavian society. It will be a
+lively affair, for I am a gay Norwegian dog.
+
+_George._ Asked out--without my wife! Think of that! Eh? Oh, dear me, yes,
+_I_'ll come!
+
+_Brack._ By the way, LOeVBORG is here; he has written a wonderful book,
+which has made a quite extraordinary sensation. Bless me, yes!
+
+_George._ LOeVBORG--fancy! Well, I _am_--glad. Such marvellous gifts! And I
+was so painfully certain he had gone to the bad. Fancy that, eh? But what
+will become of him _now_, poor fellow, eh? I _am_ so anxious to know!
+
+_Brack._ Well, he may possibly put up for the Professorship against you,
+and, though you _are_ an uncommonly clever man of letters--for a
+Norwegian--it's not wholly improbable that he may cut you out!
+
+_George._ But, look here, good Lord, Judge BRACK!--(_gesticulating_)--that
+would show an incredible want of consideration for me! I married on my
+chance of _getting_ that Professorship. A man like LOeVBORG, too, who hasn't
+even been respectable, eh? One doesn't do such things as that!
+
+_Brack._ Really? You forget we are all realistic and unconventional persons
+here, and do all kinds of odd things. But don't worry yourself!     [_He
+goes out._
+
+_George_ (_to Hedda_). Oh, I say, HEDDA, what's to become of our Fairyland
+now, eh? We can't have a liveried servant, or give dinner-parties, or have
+a horse for riding. Fancy that!
+
+_Hedda_ (_slowly, and wearily_). No, we shall really have to set up as
+Fairies in reduced circumstances, now.
+
+_George_ (_cheering up_). Still, we shall see Aunt JULIE every day, and
+_that_ will be something, and I've got back my old slippers. We shan't be
+altogether without some amusements, eh?
+
+_Hedda_ (_crosses the floor_). Not while I have _one_ thing to amuse myself
+with, at all events.
+
+_George_ (_beaming with joy_). Oh, Heaven be praised and thanked for that!
+My goodness, so you have! And what may _that_ be, HEDDA, eh?
+
+_Hedda_ (_at the doorway, with suppressed scorn_). Yes, GEORGE, you have
+the old slippers of the attentive Aunt, and I have the horse-pistols of the
+deceased General!
+
+_George_ (_in an agony_). The pistols! Oh, my goodness! _what_ pistols?
+
+_Hedda_ (_with cold eyes_). General GABLER'S pistols--same which I
+shot--(_recollecting herself_)--no, that's THACKERAY, not IBSEN--a _very_
+different person.     [_She goes through the back Drawing-room._
+
+_George_ (_at doorway, shouting after her_). Dearest HEDDA, _not_ those
+dangerous things, eh? Why, they have never once been known to shoot
+straight yet! Don't! Have a catapult. For _my_ sake, have a catapult!
+[_Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Bow-Wow!
+
+  The RAIKES' teeth were bared--a most terrible sight!--
+    At the Messenger Companies. Now all seems joy
+    For the Public, the P.O., the Co., and the Boy!
+  The Dog in the Manger JOHN BULL did affright,
+  But--his bark is perhaps rather worse than his bite!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONS OF BRITANNIA; OR, THE UNITED SERVICE.
+
+[The Senior Admiral of the Fleet, SIR PROVO WILLIAM PARRY WALLIS, G.C.B.,
+who was in the action between the British Frigate _Shannon_ and the
+American Frigate _Chesapeake_ on June 1st, 1813 (taking command of the
+_Shannon_ after the disabling of Captain BROKE), celebrated the hundredth
+anniversary of his birthday on April 12th, 1891.
+
+Lieutenant GRANT "displayed great bravery and judgment" (_Times_) in the
+defence of Thobal against the Manipuris, April, 1891.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONS OF BRITANNIA.
+
+1813--1891.
+
+_Britannia loquitur_:--
+
+  From Boston Bay to Thobal fort
+    Is a far cry, but bravery bridges
+  The centuries, and of space makes sport.
+    The shot that swept the salt sea-ridges
+  When VERE BROKE of the _Shannon_ smote
+    The foe, and, struck, left WALLIS smiting,--
+  Sends echoes down the years that float
+    To Thobal o'er the sounds of fighting.
+  Memories of greatness make men great!
+    Brave centenarian, you with pleasure
+  May greet the youth who guard our State.
+    You, whose long memories can measure
+  So wide a sweep of England's war,
+    Must joy to see her served as boldly
+  As in those sad mad days afar,
+    When, gazing on her children coldly,
+  She alienated kindred hearts,
+    Which might till now have beaten loyal.
+  At least you both played well _your_ parts,
+    Though blunderers blind, official, royal,
+  May then or now have marred the work
+    Of arduous years, and gallant spirits,
+  My sons at least no peril shirk,
+    Valour from age to age inherits.
+  The old tradition, duteous stands
+    For the old Flag, wherever flying!
+  Brave WALLIS, gallant GRANT, clasp hands!
+    My sons! Unfaltering, undying,
+  Beneath grey hairs, or youth's brown locks,
+    The spirit proud of patriot valour!
+  Not desperate odds in war's wild shocks
+    Shall strike its flush to craven pallor.
+  Mud-fort, or "mealey" bastion, deck
+    Of shot-torn ship, or red "death-valley,"
+  What odds? Of danger nought I reck,
+    Whilst thus my sons to me can rally.
+  Come what, come will! Whilst centuried age
+    And youth in Spring strike hands before me,
+  Let foemen band, let battle rage,
+    You'll keep my Flag still flying o'er me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GENERAL IDEA"
+
+HITTING ON A NOVEL PLAN FOR OUR COAST DEFENCES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Yankee Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel.
+
+  Our people will not stand it--no!
+    Of Fiction, limp or strong,
+  Yanks want but little here below,
+    Nor want that little _long_!
+  (But oh! our (Saxon) stars one thanks,
+  Romance is _not_ (yet) ruled by Yanks!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.
+
+THE TAX-COLLECTOR'S HEART.
+
+  I know his step, his ring, his knock,
+    I hear him, too, explain,
+  With emphasis my nerves that shock,
+    That he "won't call again!"
+  I know that bodes a coming storm--
+    A summons looms a-head!
+  I follow his retreating form,
+    And note his stealthy tread!
+  Some grace to beg, implore, beseech,
+    'Twere vain! Let him depart!
+  I know no human cry can reach
+    That Tax-Collector's heart!
+
+  He kept his word. To claim that rate
+    He never called again.
+  An outraged Vestry, loth to wait,
+    Soon made their purpose plain.
+  I know not how, I missed the day,--
+    But that fell summons came.
+  Two shillings costs it took to play
+    That Tax-Collector's game.
+  I own the outlay was not much!
+    But, _that_ is not the smart:
+  'Tis that no anguished shriek can touch
+    That Tax-Collector's heart!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MORS ET VITA."--A fine performance, April 15, at Albert Hall, with ALBANI,
+HILDA WILSON, Messrs. LLOYD, and WATKIN MILLS, and Dr. MACKENZIE, as
+conductor or con-doctor. I should have given, writes our correspondent, a
+full and enthusiastic account of it, but that I was bothered all the time
+by two persons near me, who would talk and wouldn't listen. Thank goodness,
+they didn't stay throughout the performance. In a theatre they'd have been
+hushed down, but this is such a big place that a talking duet is heard only
+in the immediate neighbourhood of the talkers; and then no one wants to
+have a row during the performance of sacred music. It's like brawling in
+church.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+THE TITHES QUESTION.--I am the Vicar of a country Church in Wales; but
+owing to the total failure of my last attempt to distrain on the stock of a
+neighbouring farmer, on which occasion I was tossed over a hedge by an
+infuriated cow, my family and myself are starving. I wish to know if I can
+legally pawn the lectern, the ancient carved pulpit, and several rare old
+sedilia in the Church? Or they would be exchanged for an immediate supply
+of their value in groceries.--URGENT.
+
+ANNOYANCE FROM NEIGHBOUR.--I live in a quiet street, and my next-door
+neighbour has suddenly converted his house into a Fried Fish Shop. Some of
+his boxes protrude into my front garden. Have I the right of seizing them,
+and eating contents, supposing them to be fit for human consumption? My
+house is perpetually filled with the aroma of questionable herrings, and
+very pronounced haddocks. I have asked, politely, for compensation, and
+received only bad language. What should be my next step?--PERPLEXED.
+
+DEED OF GIFT.--Upon my eldest son's marriage I wish to make him a really
+handsome money present. My idea is to hand over to him L100, on condition
+that he repays me ten per cent, as long as I live, my age now being
+forty-five. Then as to security. Had I better get a Bill of Sale on the
+furniture, which he has just had given him by his wife's father for their
+new house, or how can I most effectually bind him?--GENEROUS PARENT.
+
+HOLIDAY TRIP.--Would one of your readers inform me of a locality where I
+can take my next summer's holiday of a month, for L3 10_s._, fare included?
+It must be near the sea and high mountains, with a genial though bracing
+climate. Good boating and bathing. Strictly honest lodging-house keepers
+and romantic surroundings indispensable.--EASY TO PLEASE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMING DRESS.
+
+(_Sweet Seventeen to the would-be Sumptuary Reformers at the Kensington
+Town Hall._)
+
+  Vainly on Fashion you make war,
+  With querulous Book, and quaint Bazaar,
+  Good Ladies of the Higher Light!
+  A Turkish Tea-gown, loose or tight,
+  Won't win us to the Rational Cult;
+  Japanese skirts do but insult
+  Our elder instincts, to which _Reason_
+  Is nothing more nor less than treason.
+  Your "muddy weather costume" moves us
+  No more than satire, which reproves us
+  _Ad nauseam_, and for whose rebuff
+  We never care one pinch of snuff.
+  No, Ladies HARBERTON and COFFIN.
+  Your pleading, like the critics' "scoffin"
+  Touches us not; have we not smiled,
+  Mocking, at Mrs. OSCAR WILDE?
+  And shall we welcome with delight
+  Queer robes that make a girl "a fright?"
+  Pooh-pooh! We're simply imperturbable,
+  The Reign of Fashion's undisturbable.
+  The "Coming Dress?"--that's all sheer humming,
+  We only care for Dress _be_-Coming!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._)
+
+No. XXV.--THE ADULATED CLERGYMAN.
+
+The Adulated Clergyman possesses many of the genuine qualities of the
+domestic cat, in addition to a large stock of the characteristics which
+tradition has erroneously assigned to that humble hut misunderstood animal.
+Like a cat, he is generally sleek and has become an adept in the art of
+ingratiating himself with those who wear skirts and dispense comforts. Like
+a cat, too, he has an insinuating manner; he can purr quite admirably in
+luxurious surroundings, and, on the whole, he prefers to attain his objects
+by a circuitous method rather than by the bluff and uncompromising
+directness which is employed by dogs and ordinary honest folk of the canine
+sort. Moreover, he likes a home, but--here comes the difference--the homes
+of others seem to attract and retain him more strongly than his own. And if
+it were useful to set out the points of difference in greater detail, it
+might be said that the genuine as opposed to the traditional cat often
+shows true affection and quite a dignified resentment of snubs, is never
+unduly familiar, and makes no pretence of being better than other cats
+whose coats happen to be of a different colour. But it is better, perhaps,
+at once to consider the Adulated Clergyman in his own person, and not in
+his points of resemblance to or difference from other animals.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He who afterwards becomes an Adulated Clergyman has probably been a mean
+and grubby schoolboy, with a wretched but irresistible inclination to
+sneak, and to defend himself for so doing on principle. It is of course
+wrong to break rules at school, authority must be respected, masters must
+be obeyed, but it is an honourable tradition amongst schoolboys that boys
+who offend--since offences must come--should owe their consequent
+punishment to the unassisted efforts of those who hold rule, rather than to
+the calculating interference of another boy, who, though he may have shared
+the offence, is unwilling to take his proportion of the result. A sneak,
+therefore, has in all ages been invested with a badge of infamy, which no
+amount of strictly scholastic success has ever availed to remove from him;
+and his fellows, recognising that he has saved his own skin at the expense
+of theirs, do their best to make up the difference to him in contempt and
+abuse. Schoolboys are not distinguished for a fastidious reticence. If they
+dislike, they never hesitate to say so, and they have a painfully downright
+way of giving reasons for their behaviour, which is apt to jar on a
+temperament so sensitive that its owner always and only treads the path of
+high principle when self-interest points him in the same direction.
+
+The school career of the future pastor was not, therefore, a very happy
+one, for at school there are no feeble women to be captivated by
+heartrending revelations of a noble nature at war with universal
+wickedness, and all but shattered by the assaults of an unfeeling world.
+Nor, strange to say, do schoolmasters, as a rule, value the boy who ranges
+himself on their side in the eternal war between boys and masters. However,
+he proceeded in due time to a University. There he let it be known that his
+ultimate destination was the Church, but he had his own method of
+qualifying for his profession. He was not afflicted with the possession of
+great muscular strength, or of a very robust health. Neither the river nor
+the football-field attracted him. Cricket was a bore, athletic sports were
+a burden; the rough manners of the ordinary Undergraduates made him
+shudder. However, since at College there are sets of all sorts and sizes,
+he soon managed to fashion for himself a little world of effete and mincing
+idlers, who adored themselves even more than they worshipped one another.
+They drank deep from the well of modern French literature, and chattered
+interminably of RICHEPIN, GUY DE MAUPASSANT, PAUL BOURGET, and the rest.
+They themselves were their own favourite native writers; but their morbid
+sonnets, their love-lorn elegies, their versified mixtures of passion and a
+quasi-religious mysticism, were too sacred for print, though they were
+sometimes adapted to thin and fluttering airs, and sung to sympathisers in
+private. Most of these gentlemen were "ploughed" in their examination, but
+the hero of this sketch secured his degree without honours, and departed to
+read for the Church.
+
+Soon afterwards he was ordained, was plunged ruthlessly into an East-End
+parish, and disappeared for a time from view. He emerged, after an interval
+of several years. The occasion was the inaugural meeting of a Guild for the
+Conversion of Music-hall _Artistes_, which is to this day spoken of amongst
+the irreverent as the Song and Sermon Society. The sensation of the meeting
+was caused by the fervent speech of a clergyman, who announced that he
+himself had been for some months a professional Variety Singer, attached to
+more than one Music-hall, and that, having studied the life _de pres_, he
+knew all its temptations, and was therefore qualified to speak from
+experience as to the best means of elevating those who pursued it. The
+details of his story, as they fell from the mouth of the reverend speaker,
+were highly spiced. His hearers were amused, interested, and stirred; and,
+when a daily newspaper gave a headlined account of the speech, with a
+portrait of the speaker, the professional fortune of the Adulated Clergyman
+(for it was he) was assured.
+
+Shortly afterwards his biography appeared in a series published in a weekly
+periodical under the title of _Unconventional Clerics_, and he himself
+wrote a touching letter on "The Plague Spots of Nova Zembla," in which an
+eloquent appeal was made for subscriptions on behalf of the inhabitants of
+that chill and neglected region. Ladies now began to say to one another:
+"Have you heard Mr. So-and-So preach? Really, not? Oh, you should. He's so
+wonderful, so convincing, so unlike all others. You must come with me next
+Sunday," and thus gradually he gathered round him in his remote church a
+band of faithful women, drawn from the West End by the fame of his
+unconventional eloquence. A not too fastidious critic might, perhaps, have
+been startled by a note of vulgarity in his references to sacred events, as
+well as by the tone of easy and intimate familiarity with which he spoke of
+those whose names are generally mentioned with bated breath, and printed
+with capital letters; but the most refined women seemed to find in all this
+an additional fascination. His sermons dealt in language which was at the
+same time plain and highly-coloured. He denounced his congregation roundly
+as the meanest of sinners. To the women he was particularly merciless. He
+tore to rags their little vesture of self-respect, shattered their nerves
+with emotional appeals, harrowed all their feelings, and belaboured them so
+violently with prophecies of wrath, that they left church, after shedding
+gallons of tears and emptying their expiatory purses into the
+subscription-plate, in a state of pale but pious pulp. In the
+drawing-rooms, however, to which he afterwards resorted, his manner
+changed. His voice became soft; he poured oil into the wounds he had
+inflicted. "How are you to-day?" he would say, in his caressing way. "Is
+the neuralgia any better? And the dulness of spirits? has meditation
+prevailed over it? Ah me! it is the lot of the good to suffer, and silence,
+perhaps, were best." Whereupon he is treated as a Father Confessor of
+domestic troubles, and persuades young married women that their husbands
+misunderstand them.
+
+It is unnecessary to add that his subscription-lists flourished, his
+bazaars prospered, his missions and retreats overflowed with feminine
+money, and his Church was overloaded with floral tributes. The brutal tribe
+of men, however, sneered at him, and perversely suspected his motives; nor
+were they reconciled to him when they saw him relieving the gloom of a
+generally (so it was understood) ascetic existence by dining at a smart
+restaurant with a galaxy of devoted women, whom he proposed to conduct in
+person to a theatre. Such, then, is, or was, the Adulated Clergyman. It is
+unnecessary to pursue his career further. Perhaps he quarrelled with his
+Bishop, and unfrocked himself; possibly he found himself in a Court of Law,
+where an unsympathetic jury recorded a painful verdict against him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+My faithful "Co." says he has been reading the latest novel by "JOHN
+STRANGE WYNTER," called, _The Other Man's Wife_, as the French would
+observe, "without pleasure." As a rule he rather enjoys the works of the
+Author of _Bootle's Baby_, and other stories of a semi-ladylike
+semi-military character; but the newest tale is one too many for him. The
+"man" is a mixture of snob and cad,--say "a snad,"--the "other man" a
+combination of coward and bully, the "wife" a worthy mate to both of them.
+The plot shows traces of hasty construction, otherwise it is difficult to
+account for the "man's" intense astonishment at inheriting a title from his
+cousin, and the farfetched clearing up of a sensational West-End murder. My
+"Co." fancies that the peerage given to the "man," and the _vendetta_ of
+the Polish Countess, both introduced rather late in Vol. II., must have
+been after-thoughts. However, the end of the story is both novel and
+entertaining. The feeble, fickle heroine is made to marry, as her second
+husband, the man who (as an accessory after the fact) has been the murderer
+of her first! And the best of the joke is--she does not know it! My "Co."
+has also been much amused by a brightly-written Novel, in one volume,
+called _A Bride from the Bush_. Mr. E. W. HORNUNG evidently knows his
+subject well, and has caught the exact tone, or rather nasal twang of our
+Australian cousins. My "Co." says that "the Bride" is a particularly
+pleasant young person, thanks to her youth, good heart, and beauty.
+However, it is questionable--taking her as a sample--whether her "people"
+would "pan out" quite so satisfactorily. On the whole it would seem that
+Australians who have "made their pile" by buying and selling land are
+better at a distance--say as Aborigines!
+
+It is also the opinion of my faithful "Co." that the Clarendon Press series
+of _Rulers of India_, has never contained a better volume than the _Life of
+Mayo_, a work recently contributed by the Editor, Sir WILLIAM WILSON
+HUNTER. Admirably written, the book gives in the pleasantest form
+imaginable, a most eventful chapter in the History of Hindostan. But more,
+the pages have a pathetic personal interest, as the subject of the memoir
+was for many years misunderstood, and consequently, misrepresented. Even
+the _London Charivari_  was unfair to the great Earl, but as Sir WILLIAM
+hastens to say, "at his death stood first in its generous acknowledgment of
+his real dessert, as it had led the dropping fire of raillery three years
+before." The author has, by publishing this most welcome addition to a
+capitally edited series, added yet another item to the long list of
+services he has rendered to our Empire in the distant East.
+
+Since Miss FLORENCE WARDEN'S _House on the Marsh_, says the Baron, I have
+not read a more exciting tale than the same authoress's _Pretty Miss
+Smith_. It should be swallowed right off at a sitting, for if your interest
+in it is allowed to cool during an interval, you may find it a little
+difficult to get up the steam to the high-pressure point necessary for the
+real enjoyment of a sensational story.
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SILENT SHAKSPEARE.
+
+DEAR MR. EDITOR,
+
+The great success that has attended the production of _L'Enfant Prodigue_
+at the Prince of Wales's Theatre has encouraged me to make a suggestion in
+the cause of English Art. Why not SHAKSPEARE in dumb show? The Bard himself
+introduced it in "The Play Scene." Allow me to suggest it thus:--
+
+    SCENE--_A more remote part of the Platform in Elsinore Castle. Enter_
+    GHOST; _then_ HAMLET.
+
+_Hamlet_ (_in dumb show_). "Where wilt thou lead me? Speak!" (_In dumb
+show._) "I'll go no further."
+
+_Ghost, by kissing his hand towards the horizon, shows that his hour is
+almost come, when he is bound to render himself to sulphurous and
+tormenting flames. The latter part of his description is composed of his
+shrinking about the stage, as if suffering from intense heat._
+
+_Hamlet buries his face in his hands, and sobs pitifully, expressing_
+"Alas, poor Ghost!"
+
+_Ghost repudiates compassion by turning up his nose, and throwing forward
+his hands; and then, by pointing from his mouth to his ear, demands_
+HAMLET'S _serious attention._
+
+_Hamlet touches his own lips, points to_ GHOST, _slaps his heart, and bows,
+intimating that the_ GHOST _is to_ "Speak!" _and he is_ "bound to hear."
+
+_Ghost explains that he is his father's spirit by stroking_ HAMLET'S _face,
+and then his own, and then shrinks about the stage to weird music,
+descriptive of his prison-house. He concludes by appealing to_  HAMLET'S
+_love for him by pressing his clasped hands to his own heart, and then
+pointing towards the left-hand side of his son._
+
+_Hamlet jerks his hands passionately upwards, as if saying_, "Oh Heaven!"
+
+_Ghost then asks for revenge by touching his dagger, and pointing towards
+the sky. He acts the murder in the garden, showing the serpent who stung
+him by gliding about the stage on his chest, like the boneless man. He
+shows his murderer to be of his own blood by walking up and down as
+himself, and then in the same way, but with a slight limp, as if he were
+his brother._
+
+_Hamlet might here exhibit_ "_Zadkiel's Almanack" as_ "prophetic," _and
+slap the sole of his shoe for_ "soul;" _for_ "my Uncle" _it would be
+sufficient to produce a pawnbroker's ticket_:--"Oh my prophetic soul! Mine
+Uncle!"
+
+_Then the Ghost in great detail acts the murder in the orchard, imitating
+the apples and the singing birds, the setting sun, &c., &c. He shows the
+composition of the poison after its plucking from a bush, and its arrival
+in the laboratory. He represents the actual pouring of the poison in his
+ear. He hints too (by suggesting the action of the bell-ringer) that he was
+never really mourned, and concludes a most spirited Ballet d'Action by a
+rapid sketch of the paling of the ineffectual fires of the glow-worm. As he
+leaves to the music of_ "Then you'll Remember Me," HAMLET _imitates
+cockcrow, which brings the entertainment to an appropriate termination._
+
+Surely this would be an improvement upon the conventional reading? In this
+case where speech is silvern, silence would be golden.
+
+Trusting some Manager will take the matter up,
+
+I remain, always yours sincerely,
+
+A DUMB WAITER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Monday.--Faust_ and Foremost. Miss EAMES better even than she was last
+week. NED DE RESZKE not so diabolical a _Mephistopheles_ as M. MAUREL.
+
+  NEDDY RESZKE
+  Not so goblineske,
+
+and a stouter sort of demon, but of course a "_bon diable_."
+
+[Illustration: Cards held by Druriolanus Operaticus.]
+
+_Wednesday._--_Romeo et Julietta._ JACK and NED DE RESZKE _Romeo_ and _The
+Friar_. Why the waltz alone, which ought to be on every organ besides Miss
+EAMES'S, but which, strange to say, isn't thoroughly popular, should be
+enough to make an Opera; but it's like the proportion of one swallow in the
+composition of a summer, and, however well sung, it does not do everything.
+It's a dull Opera.
+
+_Thursday._--_Carmen_ again. House not immense. Persons "of note" chiefly
+on the stage. JULIA same as before; therefore refer to previous notice. Cab
+and carriage service after the theatres everywhere wants reforming
+altogether. We may not be worse off than in any other capital of Europe,
+but we ought to be far ahead of them.
+
+Somebody or other complained of my writing "GLU:CK" instead of "GLUCK," He
+didn't like the two dots; one too many for the poor chap, already in his
+dotage, so to relieve him and soothe him, I'll write it "GLUCK," and then
+he can go to the proprietor of "DAVIDSON'S Libretto Books" and ask him to
+take the dotlets off the "U:" in GLU:CK. I wonder if my
+strongly-spectacle'd fault-finder writes the name of HANDEL correctly? I
+dare say so correct a person never falls into any sort of error; or if he
+does, never admits it. I like it done down to dots, as "HA:NDEL," myself;
+it looks so uncommonly learned.
+
+_Saturday._--_Tannhaeuser._ Full and appreciative house to welcome the
+_rentree_ of Madame ALBANI, who was simply perfection and the perfection of
+simplicity as the self-sacrificing heroine _Elizabeth_. From a certain
+Wagnerian-moral point of view, no better impersonator,--dramatically at
+least, if not operatically,--of the sensual Falstaffian Knight could be
+found than Signer PEROTTI; and, from every point of view, no finer
+representation of the Cyprian Venus than Mlle. SOFIA RAVOGLI. M. MAUREL was
+admirable in every way as the moral _Wolframo_, and Signor ABRAMOFF the
+gravest of Landgraves. The full title of this Opera should be _Tannhaeuser;
+or, The Story of a Bard who sang a questionable kind of Song in the highest
+Society, and what came of it._
+
+Fine effect at end of First Act, when prancing steeds, with secondhand
+park-hack saddles, at quite half-a-crown an hour, are brought in, and, on a
+striking tableau of bold but impecunious warriors refusing to mount, the
+Curtain descends.
+
+Then what pleasure to see _Albani-Elizabeth_ receiving the guests in Act
+II., varying the courtesies with an affectionate embrace whenever a
+particular friend among the ladies-of-the-court-chorus came in view. My
+LORD CHAMBERLAIN, viewing the scene from his private box, must have picked
+up many a hint for Court etiquette from studying this remarkable scene.
+Then how familiar to us all is the arrangement of the bards all in a row,
+like our old friends the Christy Minstrels, _Tannhaeuser_ being the
+Tambourine, and _Wolfram_ the Bones! Charming. Great success. Repeat it by
+all means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHIVALRY AT THE BREAKFAST-TABLE.
+
+"NOW, COOK, JUST YOU LOOK HERE! LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF BACON I'VE JUST GIVEN
+YOUR MISTRESS! IT'S THE THICKEST AND WORST CUT I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE!--AND
+THIS PIECE I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE MYSELF IS _ONLY A LITTLE BETTER!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY, SIR!"
+
+A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE.
+
+_Poor Income-Tax Payer, loquitur_:--
+
+  Please give me a Penny, Sir!
+    My hope is almost dead;
+  You hold the swag in that black bag,
+    And high you lift your head.
+  Some years I have been asking this,
+    But no one heeds my plea.
+  Will you not give me _something_ then,
+    _This_ year, good Mister G.?
+         Oh! please give me a Penny!
+
+  Please give me a Penny, Sir!
+    _You_ won't say "no" to me,
+  Because I'm poor, and feel the pinch
+    Of dreadful "Schedule D"!
+  You're so high-dried, and so correct,
+    So honest and austere!
+  Remember the full "Tanner," Sir,
+    I've stumped up year by year,
+         And please give me a Penny!
+
+  Please give me a Penny, Sir!
+    My Income is but small,
+  And the hard Tax laid on our backs
+    I _should_ not pay at all.
+  But I'm too feeble to resist,
+    And do not like to lie;
+  And Sixpence, under Schedule D,
+    Torments me till I cry,
+         Do please give me a Penny, Sir!
+
+  Consols, or Dividends, or Rents
+    Don't interest _me_ much;
+  "Goschens," reduced or otherwise,
+    Are things _I_ may not touch,
+  Two hundred pounds per year, all told,
+    Leaves little room for "exes;"
+  And 'tisn't only _public_ men
+    That "lack of pence" much vexes.
+         So please give me a Penny, Sir!
+
+  The mysteries of High Finance
+    I don't presume to plumb;
+  So year by year my back they shear,
+    Sure that they'll find _me_ dumb.
+  But the oft-trodden worm will turn;
+    "Demand Notes" never slack;
+  And "Schedule D" fast at twice three,
+    Breaks the wage-earner's back.
+         So please give me a Penny, Sir!
+
+  The moneyed swells who make "returns,"
+    Much at their own sweet will,
+  Don't gauge the poor clerk's scanty purse,
+    The small shopkeeper's till,
+  How hard 'tis to make both ends meet,
+    When hard times tightly nip;
+  Or how small incomes sorely feel
+    The annual sixpenny dip.
+         So please give me a Penny, Sir!
+
+  Please give me a Penny, Sir!
+    'Tis heard on every side,
+  Muttered by poverty's pinched lip,
+    Silent so long--from pride.
+  Ah! listen to their pleadings, Sir,
+    And pity the true poor,
+  Whose life is one long fight to keep
+    The wolf from the house-door.
+         Oh, please give me a Penny, Sir!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ROOSE IN URBE."--Dr. ROBSON ROOSE has returned to town after a trip to
+Madeira.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SWEET STRIFE."
+
+_By an Unionist M.P._
+
+  When PARNELL's mocked by HEALY,
+  In strident voice and squealy;
+  When HEALY'S snubbed by PARNELL,
+  In voice as from the charnel--
+  I understand the windy
+  Wild charm of WAGNER'S shindy.
+  Discord _may_ be melodious,
+  When Harmony sounds odious;
+  Than _Israfel_ more dear is
+  Old Erin's latest _Eris!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE _IN_-KERRECT KERR.
+
+IT was once said that Pianos may now be had on "MOORE and MOORE" easy terms
+every day. Mrs. WALTER found that those "easy terms" involved such
+pleasures as returning the instrument she had paid many instalments on,
+getting an order from the masterful Mr. Commissioner KERR to pay costs as
+well, and committal to prison for three weeks on the charge of "contempt of
+Court"--for disobeying an order which Justices SMITH and GRANTHAM declare
+the genial Commissioner had no sort of right to make!!!
+
+If this is the "hire-purchase system," a piano-less life is infinitely
+preferable to braving its manifold perils and penalties. Easy terms,
+indeed? Yes,--about as "easy" as "easy shaving" with a serrated
+oyster-knife! Mrs. WALTER'S fate should be a warning to would-be
+piano-purchasers, and, _Mr. Punch_ would fain hope, to exacting
+System-workers and arbitrary Commissioners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PLEASE GIVE ME A PENNY!"
+
+NEEDY INCOME-TAX PAYER (loq.). "HOPE YOU WON'T FORGET ME _THIS TIME_,
+SIR!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR BETTER OR WORSE!
+
+(_Two Views of the Same Subject._)
+
+POSSIBLE ROMANCE.
+
+    SCENE--_A Dungeon beneath the Castle Moat. Wife chained to a post, with
+    bread and water beside her. Enter Husband, with cat-o'-nine-tails._
+
+_Husband._ And now, after ten days' seclusion, will you make over your
+entire property to me, signing the deed with your life's blood?
+
+_Wife_ (_in a feeble voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you
+to the last!
+
+_Husband._ Then die!      [_He is about to leave the dungeon, when he is
+met by a Messenger from the Court of Appeal._
+
+_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner!
+
+_Husband._ Foiled!      [_Joy of_ Wife, _and tableau, as the Curtain
+falls._
+
+PROBABLE REALITY.
+
+    SCENE--_The Church-door of a fashionable Church. Wife bidding adieu to
+    Husband._
+
+_Husband._ Surely, now that my name and fortune are yours, you will
+reconsider your decision, and at least accompany me back to our wedding
+breakfast?
+
+_Wife_ (_in a firm voice_). Never! You may kill me, but I will defy you to
+the last!
+
+_Husband._ This is rank nonsense! You must take my arm.      [_He is about
+to leave the Church-porch, when he is met by a Messenger from the Court of
+Appeal._
+
+_Messenger._ In the name of the Law, release your prisoner!
+
+_Husband._ Sold!     [_Joy of Wife, and tableau, as the Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHAT'S IN A NAME?"
+
+  The "Cony" is feeble, the Bear's a rough bore.
+  But CONYBEARE'S both, and perhaps a bit more!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SMART NEW BOY IN CLOAK-ROOM HAS NOTED GENTLEMEN SHUTTING UP
+THEIR CRUSH HATS, AND PROMPTLY FLATTENS DE JONES'S BEST SILK TOPPER!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE OTHER MAN.
+
+  My health is good, I know no pain,
+    I am not married to a wife;
+  From all accounts I'm fairly sane,
+    And yet I'm sick to death of life.
+
+  The path that leads to wealth and fame
+    Cannot be traversed in a day;
+  I find it twice as hard a game,
+    Because a spectre bars the way.
+
+  It has no terrors such as his
+    Away from which the children ran;
+  It's not the Bogey, but it _is_
+                  The Other Man.
+
+  I met a girl, she seemed to be
+    A kind of vision from above.
+  She wasn't--but, alas! for me,
+    I weakly went and fell in love.
+
+  Her father was a _millionnaire_,
+    Which didn't make me love her less.
+  I thought her quite beyond compare,
+    And gave long odds she'd answer "Yes."
+
+  She thrilled me with each lovely look
+    She gave me from behind her fan,
+  She took my heart, and then she took--
+                  The Other Man.
+
+  Farewell to Love! I thought I'd try
+    My level best to get a post;
+  The salary was not too high,
+    Two hundred pounds a-year at most.
+
+  Committeemen in conclave sat,
+    Their questions all were cut and dried:
+  Oh, was I this? And did I that?
+    And twenty thousand things beside--
+
+  As did I smoke? and could I play
+    At golf? or did I get the gout?
+  And--most important--could I say
+    My mother knew that I was out?
+
+  Then two were chosen. Should I "do"?
+    Perhaps!--and, just as I began
+  To hope, of course they gave it to
+                  The Other Man.
+
+  All uselessly I've learnt to swear
+    And use expressions that are vile;
+  In vain, in vain I've torn my hair
+    In quite the most artistic style.
+
+  Yet one thing would I gladly learn--
+    Yes, tell me quickly, if you can--
+  Shall I be also, in my turn,
+                  The Other Man?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE KEY TO A LOCK.
+
+    ["A lock of ----'s hair, set in a small gold-rimmed case, and said to
+    be an ancient family possession, was knocked down for forty pounds."]
+
+  Take yonder lock of tangled hair,
+    A silver seamed with sable,
+  Dim harbinger from dreamland fair
+    Of reverie and fable;
+
+  Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take,
+    A trinket loved, if little,
+  And wear it, darling, for my sake,
+    In yonder locket brittle;
+
+  Small, as my banker's balance, small
+    And faint--a touching token;
+  My luck, the lock, the locket, all
+    Seem, child, a trifle broken.
+
+  Investments, boy, are looking glum;
+    They flit and fade; in fine a
+  Not inconsiderable sum
+    Has gone to--Argentina.
+
+  Nay, chide me not; one day, refilled
+    By these, may shine your pocket,
+  And Fortune's resurrection gild
+    The lock within the locket.
+
+  Because, you see, when strong and sage
+    You grow, and all the serried
+  Lights of the great Victorian age
+    With me are quenched and buried;
+
+  When other men in other days
+    Walk paramount--then shall you
+  Submit the thing to such as praise
+    The Past, its relics value.
+
+  The curl was worn, you'll tell your friends,
+    By TENNYSON or BROWNING
+  (The detail of the name depends
+    On who is worth renowning).
+
+  You'll vaunt that one who knew the grand
+    Victorian Stars, and rather
+  Deserved himself to join the band
+    (In fact your father's father),
+
+  Who, past expression, loved whate'er
+    The market cottons _then_ to,
+  Committed to your childish care
+    This genuine memento.
+
+  You'll catalogue it, as befalls
+    Your choice, my little gran'son;
+  You'll bear it to the deathless halls
+    Of CHRISTIE, WOODS, AND MANSON.
+
+  So, when the fateful hammer sounds,
+    And you have cashed in rhino
+  A cheque for, haply, forty pounds,
+    You'll bless your grandsire, I know;
+
+  Who, while his fortunes failed, and much
+    Was life's horizon o'ercast,
+  _Created_ souvenirs with such
+    A keen, commercial forecast.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS--SIR WILLIAM VARIETY HARCOURT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY.
+
+(_Fragment from a Romance founded upon evidence given before the Select
+Committee upon Dram-drinking._)
+
+"I really think the experiment should be made," said the Professor. "Our
+knowledge on the subject is so imperfect, that nothing definite can be
+accurately pronounced."
+
+"True enough," replied one of his friends; "but although the end to be
+attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by the scrupulous
+'questionable?'"
+
+"By the over-scrupulous, perhaps," returned the Professor, with a smile.
+
+"And the expense," observed a second of his intimates, "will be no small
+consideration. If we put the matter to a thorough test, a large quantity--a
+very large quantity of the necessary liquid will have to be purchased and
+disposed of. Am I not right in hazarding this supposition?"
+
+"Undoubtedly," responded the Professor, "and the cost will be enhanced by
+the fact that the necessary liquids will have to be of the best possible
+quality. As Dr. PAVEY observed before the Committee 'It is not the alcohol
+in itself that is injurious, but the by-products.' Our aim must be to
+eliminate the by-products."
+
+"I think the idea first-rate," said the third friend; and then he paused
+and added, seemingly as an after-thought, "Pass the bottle."
+
+So the Professor and his three companions decided to make the investigation
+in the cause of scientific research. It was resolved that after a week they
+should meet again, and that in the meanwhile they should in their own
+persons carry on the experiment continuously. When this had been arranged
+the friends parted company.
+
+At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a concrete fact.
+The Professor's friends were the first to appear at the rendezvous. They
+were unsteady as to their gait, their neckties were in disorder and their
+hair falling carelessly over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an
+eyesight that seemingly was temporarily defective. They sank into three
+chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually resolved itself
+into a frown. Then they filled up the pause caused by the non-appearance of
+the Professor by weeping silently. Their emotion was not of long duration,
+as the originator of the experiment was soon in their midst. He seemed to
+be in excellent health and spirits.
+
+"My dear friend," he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone to clip
+his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of the plural, when the latter
+would have been more conventional, "My dear friend, glad see you all. Hope
+you well."
+
+His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which
+ended in further weeping.
+
+"This very painful," continued the Professor, resting his hand somewhat
+heavily on the back of a chair; "very painful indeed! Fact is, you been
+taking wrong things!"
+
+His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively.
+
+"Yes you have! Sure of it! You, Sir--imbibed whiskey! No harm in good
+whiskey--excellent thing, good whiskey! But injuriverius--should say,
+injurious--if has too much flavour of malt! Your whiskey too much flavour
+of malt! You took brandy--bad brandy--too much taste of grapes! You took
+rum--bad rum--too much mo--mo--molasses! Now I took all three--whiskey,
+brandy, rum, but pure--no by-products. No, not at all. Result! See! Sober
+as judge!"
+
+And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at this
+point of his discourse, joined his friends under the table!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CYCLING NOTES.
+
+_He._ "DO YOU BELONG TO THE PSYCHICAL SOCIETY?"
+
+_She._ "NO; BUT I SOMETIMES GO OUT ON MY BROTHER'S MACHINE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_March 20. "George Hotel," Billsbury._--Arrived here yesterday afternoon.
+Mother made up her mind to come with me, being very anxious, she said, to
+hear one of my splendid speeches. She brought luggage enough to last for a
+week, and insisted on taking her poodle _Carlo_, who was an awful nuisance,
+in the train. He growled horribly at old TOLLAND and BLISSOP when they came
+to see me at the Hotel before dinner. Very awkward. TOLLAND wanted to put
+before me the state of the case with regard to registration expenses. The
+upshot was that the Candidate is expected to subscribe L80 a year to the
+Association for this purpose, which I eventually agreed to do. Found
+fourteen letters waiting for me. No. 1 was from Miss POSER, the Secretary
+of the Billsbury Women's Suffrage League, asking me to receive a small
+deputation on the question, and to lay my views before them. No. 2 from the
+Anti-Vaccination League, stating that a deputation had been appointed to
+meet me, in order to learn my views, and requesting me to fix a date. No. 3
+and No. 4, from two local lodges of Oddfellows, each declaring it to be of
+the highest importance that I should become an Oddfellow and proposing
+dates for my initiation. Nos. 5, 6 and 7 were from Secretaries of funds for
+the restoration or building of Churches and Chapels, appealing for
+subscriptions. Nos. 8, 9, and 10, from three more local Cricket Clubs, who
+have elected me an Honorary Member, and want subscriptions. No. 11 from a
+Children's Meat Tea Fund. No. 12 asked me to subscribe to a Bazaar, and to
+attend its opening in June. No. 13, from the local Fire Brigade, and No. 14
+from the Secretary of the Local Society for improving the Breed of
+Bullfinches, recommending this "national object" to my favourable notice.
+Shall have to keep a Secretary, likewise a book of accounts. Where is it
+all going to end?
+
+The Mass Meeting went off well enough. The Assembly Rooms were crammed.
+(The _Meteor_ says, with its usual accuracy and _good taste_, "The
+attendance was small, the proceedings were dull. A wonderful amount of
+stale Jingoism was afterwards swept up by the caretakers from the floor.
+Our Conservative friends are so wasteful.") I was adopted as Candidate
+almost unanimously, only ten hands being held up against me. One or two
+questions were asked--one about local option, which rather stumped me--but
+I managed to express great sympathy with the Temperance party without, I
+hope, offending publicans.
+
+_Carlo_ somehow or other got out of the hotel and followed us to the
+meeting without being noticed. Poodles are all as cunning as Old Nick. He
+lay quite low in some corner or other, until Colonel CHORKLE was in the
+middle of a tremendous appeal to "the stainless banner which 'as so often
+been borne to triumph by Billsbury's embattled chivalry." The Colonel
+thumped on the table very hard, and _Carlo_, I suppose, had his eye on him
+and thought he was going to thump me. At any rate he sprang out and dashed
+at the Colonel, barking furiously. I had to seize him and take him outside.
+The Colonel turned quite pale. _The Meteor_ says: "The war-like ardour
+which burns in the breast of Colonel CHORKLE was well-nigh extinguished by
+an intelligent dog, whose interruptions provoked immense applause." I had
+to apologise profusely to the Colonel afterwards. Mrs. CHORKLE looked
+daggers at me. Mother was delighted with the meeting. She has written about
+it to Aunt AMELIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, April 13._--So long since Lord STALBRIDGE
+parted company from RICHARD GROSVENOR that he forgets manners and customs
+of House of Commons. Not being satisfied with choice made by Committee of
+Selection of certain Members on Committee dealing with Railway Rates and
+Charges, STALBRIDGE writes peremptory letter to Chairman, giving him severe
+wigging; correspondence gets into newspapers; House of Commons, naturally
+enough, very angry. Not going to stand this sort of thing from a mere Peer,
+even though he be Chairman of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case
+of privilege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front Bench, or by
+WHITBREAD, or some other Member of standing. Somehow, whilst thing being
+thought over and talked about, SEXTON undertakes to see it through. As soon
+as questions over to-night, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically
+impressive manner, announces intention of putting certain questions to JOHN
+MOWBRAY, Chairman of Committee of Selection. Ordinary man would have put
+his questions and sat down. But this a great occasion for SEXTON. Domestic
+difficulties in Irish Party kept him away from Westminster for many weeks.
+No opportunity for Windbag to come into action; now is the time, as
+champion of privileges of House of Commons. Position one of some
+difficulty. Not intending to conclude with a Motion, he would be out of
+order in making a speech. Could only ask question. Question couldn't
+possibly extend over two minutes; two minutes, nothing: with the Windbag
+full, bursting after compulsory quiescence since Parliament opened.
+
+SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from time to time
+moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, SEXTON
+lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again,
+patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so
+thoroughly enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person
+could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't SEXTON'S
+funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper.
+
+[Illustration: A Cameron Man.]
+
+"No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be STALBRIDGE'S; but I
+fancy SEXTON will save him from full inconvenience of the ceremony."
+
+So it turned out; House tired of business long before Windbag SEXTON had
+blown himself out. Poor JOHN MOWBRAY admittedly flabberghasted by the
+interminable string of questions under which SEXTON had tried to disguise
+his speech. STALBRIDGE got off without direct censure, and DONALD CAMERON
+abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium.
+
+_Business done._--In Committee on Irish Land Bill.
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-night after Easter Recess; come
+together with a feeling that since last they met a gap been made in their
+ranks that can never be filled. The gentle GRANVILLE'S seat is occupied by
+another. Never more will the Peers look upon his kindly face, or hear his
+lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite phrase.
+
+KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe man; one of the
+rare kind whose reputation stands highest with the innermost circle of
+those who work and live with him. To the outside world, the man in the
+street, KIMBERLEY is an expression; some not quite sure whether he isn't a
+territory in South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course; listened to with
+respect, much as HALLAM'S _Constitutional History of England_ is
+occasionally read. But when to-night he rises from GRANVILLE'S seat and
+makes a speech that, with readjustment of circumstance, GRANVILLE himself
+would have made, an assembly not emotional feels with keen pang how much it
+has lost.
+
+The MARKISS should be here. Perhaps for himself it is as well he's away. To
+him, more than anyone else in the House, the newly filled space on the
+Bench opposite is of direful import. _The MARKISS has no peer now GRANVILLE
+is gone; the two were in all characteristics and mental attitudes
+absolutely opposed, and yet, like oil and vinegar, the mixing perfected the
+salad of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at one
+side of the table talking at large to the House, but with his eye fixed on
+GRANVILLE; at the other, the dapper figure, with its indescribable air of
+old-fashioned gentlemanhood, the light of his smile shed impartially on the
+benches opposite, but his slight bow reserved for the MARKISS, as, leaning
+across the table, he pinked him under the fifth rib with glittering
+rapier--this is a sight that will never more gladden the eye in the House
+of Lords. GRANVILLE was the complement of the MARKISS; the MARKISS was to
+GRANVILLE an incentive to his bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet
+to touch shield with lance across the table in the Lords. LYCIDAS is dead,
+not ere his prime, it is true;
+
+  "But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone,
+  Now thou art gone, and never must return!"
+
+It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that CRANBROOK, KIMBERLEY, DERBY,
+and SELBORNE strummed their lament. But, speaking from different points of
+view, without pre-concert, they struck the same chord in recognising the
+ever unruffled gentleness of the nature of LYCIDAS--a gentleness not born
+of weakness, a sweetness of disposition that did not unwholesomely cloy.
+Only Mr. G. could have fitly spoken the eulogy of GRANVILLE. After him, the
+task belonged to the MARKISS, and it was a pity that circumstances
+prevented his undertaking it. _Business done_,--Irish Land Bill in Commons.
+
+_Wednesday._--Brer FOX turned up to-day, unexpectedly. So did MAURICE HEALY,
+even more unexpectedly. Irish Sunday Closing Bill under discussion. Great
+bulk of Irish Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by
+Windbag SEXTON. Belfast Publicans, who find their business threatened,
+insist that he shall oppose the Bill; does so accordingly, separating
+himself from his party. Brer FOX quickly seized the opportunity; he, too,
+on he side of the Publicans, who hold the purse, and, money (like some of
+their customers) is tight. So PARNELL lavishly compliments Windbag SEXTON
+on his "large and patriotic view"; hisses out his scorn for the Liberal
+Party; declares that Ireland abhors the measure, which he calls a New
+Coercion Bill.
+
+[Illustration: "The mildest-mannered Man."]
+
+Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, looking less
+like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet voice, sounds clearly
+through the House, and Mr. MAURICE HEALY is discovered denying Brer FOX'S
+right to speak on this or any other public question for the constituency of
+Cork.
+
+"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking young man
+continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me about contesting the
+seat."
+
+That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that rang
+through House told how they had gone home.
+
+_Business done._--Irish Sunday Closing Bill read Second Time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Friday._--GRANDOLPH looked in for few minutes before dinner. A little
+difficulty with doorkeeper. So disguised under beard, that failed to
+recognise him; thought he was a stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when
+GRANDOLPH turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of
+lightning.
+
+"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the safety of his
+chair with alacrity.
+
+GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to the manifest
+chagrin of his jilted moustache.
+
+"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; don't know whether
+I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland wants a King, and insists upon my
+accepting the Crown, not sure I shall refuse."
+
+"GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he swung through the
+Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same man since he grew it.
+
+  "There was a Young Man with a beard,
+  Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
+  Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren,
+  Have all built their nests in my beard.'"
+
+_Business done._--Committee on Irish Land Bill Dropping into Poetry, again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not
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+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+100, April 25, 1891, by Various
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