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diff --git a/old/14217-8.txt b/old/14217-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0b6d688 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14217-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1561 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, +January 16, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, January 16, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 30, 2004 [EBook #14217] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +January 16, 1892. + + + + +[Illustration: LES FRANCAIS PEINTS PAR EUX-MÊMES (ET ILLUSTRÊS PAR +NOUS). + +"O JULIETTE!" S'ÉCRIA OSCAR, EN S'ASSEYANT À COTÉ D'ELLE SUR LA PIERRE +TUMULAIRE, "ÉPOUSE DE MON MEILLEUR AMI! JE JURE QUE JE T'ADORE! JE +JURE ICI, SUR LA TOMBE DE MA SAINTE MÈRE, QUI BÉNIT NOS AMOURS DE LÀ +HAUT!"] + + * * * * * + +CABITAL! + +SIR,--The proposal to extend the Cab Radius to five miles from Charing +Cross is good in its way, but it does not go far enough. My idea is +that the cheap cab-fare should include any place in the Home Counties. +Cabmen should also be prevented by law from refusing to take a person, +say, from Piccadilly to St. Albans, on the plea that their horse +"could not do the distance." All assertions of that kind should be +punished as perjury. Cabmen are notoriously untruthful. Why should +not Cab Proprietors, too, be obliged to keep relays of horses at +convenient spots on all the main roads out of Town in case a horse +really proves unequal to going fifteen miles or so into the country, +in addition to a hard day's work in London?--Yours unselfishly, + +_St. Albans_. NORTHWARD HO! + +SIR,--Why _will_ people libel the Suburbs, and keep on describing +them as dull? I am sure that a place which, like the one I write +from, contains a Lawn Tennis Club (entrance into which we keep _very_ +select), a Circulating Library, where all the new books of two +years' back are obtainable without much delay, a couple of handsome +and ascetic young Curates, and a public Park, capable of holding +twenty-six perambulators and as many nursemaids at one and the same +time, can only fitly be described as an Elysium. Still, we _should_ be +grateful for better facilities for getting away from its delights now +and then, and this proposal to extend the Cab Radius has the warmest +support of Yours, + +EASILY SATISFIED. + +SIR,--By all means let us have cheaper Cabs in Greater London! The +County Council should subsidise a lot of Cabs, to ply exclusively +between London and the outskirts. Or why not a Government Cab Purchase +Bill, like the Irish Land Purchase one? We want a special Minister for +Public Locomotion--perhaps Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL would accept the +post? + +Yours, spiritedly, HAMPSTEAD HEATHEN. + + * * * * * + +"HARD TO BEER!" + +(_ADVANCE-SHEET FROM A PROJECTED ANTI-BACCHANALIAN TRAGI-FARCE, TO BE +CALLED "BY ORDER OF THE KAISER."_) + + SCENE--_A Market Place in Berlin._ German Students + _carousing._ Emissary of the Emperor _seated at table apart + watching them. Apprehensive_ Waiters _nervously supplying the + wants of their Customers._ + +_First German Student_. Another flagon of beer, Kellner! + +_Waiter_. Here, Mein Herr! (_Brings glass and, as he places it on the +table, whispers aside._) Oh, beware, my good Lord--this is your second +glass. + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_with a laugh_). I know what I am about! And now, +my friends, I give you a toast--The Liberty of the Fatherland! + +_Chorus of Students_. The Liberty of the Fatherland! [_They all +drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_). Ha! + + [_He makes an entry in his note-book._ + +_First Ger. Stu._ And now fill another glass. Fill, my comrades--I +pray you, fill! Kellner! glasses round--for myself and friends. + +_Kellner_ (_as before--supplying their wants and warning them_). Oh, +my gracious Lord, be careful! Your third glass--mind now, your third +glass; you know the risk you are running! But one false drop and you +are lost! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_as before_). Well, my good friend, be sure you +supply us with no drop that is not good! Ha, ha, ha! Eh, KARL! eh, +CONRAD! eh, HANS! Did you hear my merry jest? + + [_They all laugh._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_as before_). Ha! (_making an entry in his +note-book_). And they laugh at a witless joke! Good! Very good! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_joyously_). And now, my comrades, yet another +toast--The Prosperity of the People! + +_Chorus of Ger. Stu._ (_raising their glasses_). The People! + + [_They all drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_) Ha! + + [_He makes an entry in his note-book._ + +_First Ger. Stu_. And now, a final flagon! Kellner! + +_Kellner_ (_as before_). Oh, high-born customer, beware! This is your +fourth glass! You know the law! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_as before_). That indeed I do! And I also know +that my daily allowance is--or rather was--twelve quarts _per diem_! +And now, comrades, our last toast--The Freedom of the Press! + +_Chorus of Ger. Stu._ (_raising their glasses_). The Freedom of the +Press! + + [_They all drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_). This is too much! (_He rises, and +approaches the Students_.) Your pardon, Gentlemen! But do you really +believe in the toasts you have just drunk? + +_Chorus of Stu._ Why, certainly! + +_Em. of the Emp._ What, in the Liberty of the Fatherland? + +_Chorus of Stu._ To be sure--why not? + +_Em. of the Emp._ And the Prosperity of the People--mind you, only the +People? + +_Chorus of Stu._ Exactly--don't you? + +_Em. of the Emp._ And further. You wish well to the Freedom of the +Press? + +_Chorus of Stu._ That was our toast! What next? + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_producing staff of authority_). That, in the name +of His Majesty, I arrest you! + +_Chorus of Stu._ (_astounded_). Arrest us! Why? + +_Em. of the Emp._ Because, if you believe in the Liberty of the +Fatherland, ask for the Prosperity of the People, and admire the +Freedom of the Press, you must be drunk!--very drunk! In virtue of the +new law (which punishes the crime of intoxication), away with them! + + [_The_ Students _are loaded with chains, and imprisoned, + for an indefinite period, in the lowest dungeon beneath the + castle's moat. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +OUR HUMOROUS COMPOSER.--What Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN said or sung before +deciding on taking a Villa at Turbie, on the Riviera,--"Turbie, or not +Turbie, that is the question." He is now hard at work writing a new +Opera (founded, we believe, on _Cox and Box_), and "I am here," he +says, in his quaint way, "because I don't want to be dis-turbie'd." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "RETURNED EMPTY."] + +_Returned Prodigal sings, to the tune of "Randy Pandy, O!"_:-- + + Well, here I'm back from Mashonaland! + Mine's hardly a proud position. + My ideas in going were vaguely grand, + And--look at my present condition! + + I may cool my heels on this packing-case; + 'Tis a little mite like _me_, Sir! + Say my "candid friends," as they watch my face, + "O.I.C.U.R.M.T., Sir!" + + I'm the prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + Returned to my native landy, oh! + With a big moustache, and but little cash, + Though the latter would come in handy, oh! + Like the nursery Jack-a-dandy, oh! + I may "love plum-cake and candy," oh! + But tarts and toffies, or sweets of office, + Seem not--at present--for GRANDY, oh! + + Well, I chucked them up,--was it _nous_ or _pique_? + _Is_ the prodigal worst of ninnies? + The fatted calf, and the better half + Of his father's love--and guineas,-- + May fall to his share as he homeward lies, + When the husks have lost their flavour. + _My_ calf? Well, it does not greet my eyes, + And I don't yet sniff its savour. + I'm a prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + Retired from Mashona-landy, oh! + I'm left like a laggard. Grim RIDER HAGGARD + (Whose fiction is "blood-and-brandy," oh!) + Says Africa always comes handy, oh! + For "something new." It sounds grandy, oh! + But a telling new plot I'm afraid is _not_ + The fortune of GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + + Did they miss me much? Well, I fancy not; + (Though a few did come to greet me;) + The general verdict's "A very queer lot!" + Nor is SOL in a hurry to meet me. + _He_ does not spy me afar off. No! + He would rather I kept my distance; + And if to the front I again should go, + 'Twon't be with _his_ assistance. + He deems me a troublesome GRANDY, oh' + In political harness not handy, oh! + I am out of a job, while BALFOUR is a nob, + That lank and effeminate dandy, oh! + Well, a prodigal son _may_ be "sandy." oh! + I am off for a soda-and-brandy, oh! + And a "tub" at my Club, where I'm sure of a snub + From the foes of returning GRANDY, oh! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTION." + +_Philistine Wife_. "YOUR PAPER ISN'T AT ALL AMUSING JUST NOW. BUT +THERE, I MUST CONFESS IT IS _NOT_ EASY TO BE EITHER FUNNY OR WITTY +EVERY WEEK." + +_Journalist_ (_much worried_). "NO, MY DEAR, MUCH EASIER TO BE ALWAYS +DULL AND PROSAIC EVERY EVENING." + +[_He was about to add a personal illustration, but as, fortunately, he +didn't, the subject dropped._] + + * * * * * + +THE CROSS-EXAMINER'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question_. Have you a right to ask any question in Court? + +_Answer_. Certainly, and the questioning is left to my discretion. + +_Ques._ What do you understand by discretion? + +_Ans._ An unknown quality defined occasionally by the Press and the +Public. + +_Ques._ Is the definition invariably the same? + +_Ans._ No, for it depends upon the exigencies of the Press and the +frivolity and fickleness of the Public. + +_Ques._ Were you to refrain from questioning a Witness anent his +antecedents, and subsequently those antecedents becoming known, his +evidence were to lose the credence of the papers, what would be said +of you? + +_Ans._ That I had neglected my duty. + +_Ques._ Were you to question a Witness on his past, and, by an +interruption of the trial, that Witness's evidence were consequently +to become superfluous, what would then be said of you? + +_Ans._ That I had exceeded my duty. + +_Ques._ Is it an easy matter to reconcile the interests of your +clients with the requirements of Public Opinion. + +_Ans._ It is a most difficult arrangement, the more especially as +Public Opinion is usually composed of the joint ideas of hundreds of +people who know as much about law as does a bed-post. + +_Ques._ In the eyes of Public Opinion, whose commendation is the most +questionable? + +_Ans._ The commendation of a Judge, because it stands to reason +(according to popular ideas) that a man who knows his subject +thoroughly must be unable to come to any definite decision as to its +merits. + +_Ques._ And in the eyes of the same authority, whose commendation is +the most valuable? + +_Ans._ In the eyes of Public Opinion the most valuable commendation +would come from a man who is absolutely ignorant of everything +connected with a Counsel's practice, but who can amply supply this +possible deficiency by writing a letter to the papers and signing +himself "FAIR PLAY." + +_Ques._ Is there any remedy for setting right any misconception that +may have occurred as to the rights and wrongs of cross-examiners? + +_Ans._ Yes, the Public might learn what the business of a +cross-examiner really is. + +_Ques._ I see, and having done this, can you recommend anything +further? + +_Ans._ Having learned a cross-examiner's business, the Public might +then have time to attend--to its own! + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXIII. + + SCENE--_The Lower Hall of the Scuola di San Rocco, Venice. + British Tourists discovered studying the Tintorets on the + walk and ceiling by the aid of RUSKIN, HARE, and BÆDEKER, + from which they read aloud, instructively, to one another. + Miss PRENDERGAST has brought "The Stones of Venice" for the + benefit of her brother and PODBURY. Long self-repression has + reduced PODBURY to that unpleasantly hysterical condition + known as "a fit of the giggles," which, however, has hitherto + escaped detection._ + +[Illustration: "A Solemn Gentleman, with a troublesome cough, reading +aloud to his Wife."] + +_Miss P._ (_standing opposite "The Flight into Egypt" reading_). "One +of the principal figures here is the Donkey." Where _is_ Mr. PODBURY? +(_To P., who reappears, humbly proffering a tin focussing-case._) +Thanks, but you need not have troubled! "The Donkey ... um--um--never +seen--um--um--any of the nobler animals so sublime as this quiet head +of the domestic ass"--(_here BOB digs PODBURY in the ribs, behind +Miss P.'s back_)--"chiefly owing to the grand motion in the nostril, +and writhing in the ears." (_A spasmodic choke from_ PODBURY.) May I +ask what you find so amusing? + +_Podb._ (_crimson_). I--I _beg_ your pardon--I don't know _what_ I was +laughing at exactly. (_Aside to BOB._) _Will_ you shut up, confound +you! + +_A Stout Lady, close by_ (_reading from HARE_). "The whole symmetry +of it depending on a narrow line of light." (_Dubiously, to her +Daughter._) I don't _quite_--oh yes, I do now--that's it--where +my sunshade is--"the edge of a carpenter's square, which connects +those unused tools" ... h'm--can _you_ make out the "unused tools," +ETHEL? _I_ can't.... But he says--"The Ruined House is the Jewish +Dispensation." Now I should never have found _that_ out for myself. +(_They pass to another canvas._) "TINTORET denies himself all aid +from the features.... No time allowed for watching the expression" ... +(That reminds me--what _is_ the time by your bracelet, darling?) "No +blood, no stabbing, or cutting ... but an awful substitute for these +in the chiaroscuro." (Ah, yes, indeed! Do you see it, love?--in +the right-hand corner?) "So that our eyes"--(_comfortably_)--"seem +to become bloodshot, and strained with strange horror, and deadly +vision." (Not one o'clock, _really_?--and we've to meet Papa outside +Florian's, for lunch at one-thirty! Dear me, we mustn't stay too long +over this room.) + +_A Solemn Gentleman_ (_with a troublesome cough, who is also provided +with HARE, reading aloud to his wife_).... "Further enhanced +by--rook--rook--rook!--a largely-made--rook--ook!--farm-servant, +leaning on a--ork--ork--ork--ork--or--ook!--basket." Shall I--ork!--go +on? + +_His Wife_. Yes, dear, do, _please_! It makes one notice things so +_much_ more! + + [_The Solemn Gentleman goes on._ + +_Miss P._ (_as they reach the staircase_). Now just look at this +Titian, Mr. PODBURY! RUSKIN particularly mentions it. Do note the mean +and petty folds of the drapery, and compare them with those in the +TINTORETS in there. + +_Podb._ (_obediently_). Yes, I will,--a--did you mean _now_--and will +it take me long, because-- + + [_Miss PRENDERGAST sweeps on scornfully._ + +_Podb._ (_following, with a desperate effort to be intelligent_). They +don't seem to have any Fiammingoes here. + +_Miss P._ (_freezingly, over her shoulder_). Any _what_, Mr. PODBURY? +Flamingoes? + +_Podb._ (_confidently, having noted down the name at the Accademia on +his shirt-cuff_). No, "Ignoto Fiammingo," don't you know. I like that +chap's style--what I call thoroughly Venetian. + + [_Well-informed persons in front overhear and smile._ + +_Miss P._ (_annoyed_). That is rather strange--because "Ignoto +Fiammingo" happens to be merely the Italian for "an unknown Fleming," +Mr. PODBURY. [_Collapse of PODBURY._ + +_Bob_. (_aside to PODBURY_). You great owl, you came a cropper _that_ +time! [_He and PODBURY indulge in a subdued bear-fight up the stairs, +after which they enter the Upper Hall in a state of preternatural +solemnity._ + +_The Solemn G._ Now what _I_ want to see, my dear, is the +ork--ork--angel that RUSKIN thinks TINTORETTO painted the day after he +saw a rook--kic--kic--kic--kingfisher. + + [_BOB nudges PODBURY, who resists temptation heroically._ + +_Miss P._ (_reading_).... "the fig-tree which, by a curious caprice, +has golden ribs to all its leaves."--Do you see the ribs, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_feebly_). Y--yes. I _believe_ I do. Think they grew that +sort of fig-tree formerly, or is it--a--_allegorical_? + +_Miss P._ (_receiving this query in crushing silence_). The ceiling +requires careful study. Look at that oblong panel in the centre--with +the fiery serpents, which RUSKIN finely compares to "winged lampreys." +You're not looking in the right way to see them, Mr. PODBURY! + +_Podb._ (_faintly_). I--I did see them--_all_ of them, on my honour I +did! But it gives me such a crick in my neck! + +_Miss P._ Surely TINTORET is worth a crick in the neck. Did you +observe "the intense delight in biting expressed in their eyes?" + +_Bob._ (_frivolously_). _I_ did, 'PATIA--exactly the same look I +observed last night, in a mosquito's eye. + + [_PODBURY has to use his handkerchief violently._ + +_The Stout Lady_. Now, ETHEL, we can just spend ten minutes on the +ceiling--and then we _must_ go. That's evidently JONAH in the small +oval. (_Referring to plan_.) Yes, I thought so,--it _is_ JONAH. RUSKIN +considers "the whale's tongue much too large, unless it is a kind of +crimson cushion for JONAH to kneel upon." Well, why _not_? + +_Ethel_. A cushion, Mother? what, _inside_ the whale! + +_The Stout Lady_. That we are not _told_, my love--"The submissiveness +of Jonah is well given"--So true--but Papa can't bear being kept +waiting for his lunch--we really ought to go now. [_They go._ + +_The Solemn G._ (_reading_). "There comes up out of the mist a dark +hand." Have _you_ got the dark hand yet, my dear? + +_His Wife_. No, dear, only the mist. At least, there's something that +_may_ be a branch; or a _bird_ of some sort. + +_The S.G._ Ha, it's full of suggestion--full of suggestion! + + [_He passes on, coughing._ + +_Miss P._ (_to PODBURY, who is still quivering_). Now notice the end +one--"the Fall of Manna"--not _that_ end; that's "the Fall of _Man_." +RUSKIN points out (_reading_)--"A very sweet incident. Four or five +sheep, instead of pasturing, turn their heads to catch the manna as +it comes down" (_here BOB catches PODBURY's eye_) "or seem to be +licking it off each other's fleeces." (PODBURY _is suddenly convulsed +by inexplicable and untimely mirth._) Really, Mr. PODBURY, this is +_too_ disgraceful! [_She shuts the book sharply and walks away._ + + _Outside; by the landing-steps._ + +_Miss P._ BOB, go on and get the gondola ready. I wish to speak to Mr. +PODBURY. (_To PODBURY, after BOB has withdrawn._) Mr. PODBURY, +I cannot tell you how disgusted and disappointed I feel at your +senseless irreverence. + +_Podb._ (_penitently_). I--I'm really most awfully sorry--but it came +over me suddenly, and I simply couldn't help myself! + +_Miss P._ That is what makes it so very hopeless--after all the pains +I have taken with you! I have been beginning to fear for some time +that you are incorrigible--and to-day is really the _last_ straw! +So it is kinder to let you know at once that you have been tried and +found wanting. I have no alternative but to release you finally from +your vows--I cannot allow you to remain my suitor any longer. + +_Podb._ (_humbly_). I was always afraid I shouldn't last the course, +don't you know. I did my best--but it wasn't _in_ me, I suppose. It +was awfully good of you to put up with me so long. And, I say, you +won't mind our being friends still, will you now? + +_Miss P._ Of course not. I shall always wish you well, Mr. +PODBURY--only I won't trouble you to accompany me to any more +galleries! + +_Podb._ A--thanks. I--I mean, I know I should only be in your way and +all that. And--I'd better say good-bye, Miss PRENDERGAST. You won't +want me in the gondola just now, I'm sure. I can easily get another. + +_Miss P._ Well--good-bye then, Mr. PODBURY. I will explain to BOB. + + [_She steps into the gondola; BOB raises his eyebrows in + mute interrogation at PODBURY, who shakes his head, and + allows the gondola to go without him._ + +_Podb._ (_to himself, as the gondola disappears_). So _that's_ over! +Hanged if I don't think I'm sorry, after all. It will be beastly +lonely without anybody to bully me, and she could be awfully nice when +she chose.... Still it _is_ a relief to have got rid of old TINTORET, +and not to have to bother about BELLINI and CIMA and that lot.... How +that beggar CULCHARD will crow when he hears of it! Shan't tell him +anything--if I can help it.... But the worst of getting the sack +is--people are almost _bound_ to spot you ... I think I'll be off +to-morrow. I've had enough of Venice! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hard-riding Individual_ (_to Friend, whose Horse has +refused with dire results_). "HELLO! CHARLEY, OLD MAN, HOW ARE TURNIPS +LOOKING DOWN IN THAT NEIGHBOURHOOD?"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +In the admirably-compiled columns of "This Morning's News," given +in the _Daily News_, we read with interest a paragraph occasionally +appearing, furnishing information as to prices current in the +Provision Market. We have made arrangements to supply our readers with +something of the same character, which cannot fail to be valued in the +household. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A Pair of 'Eels.] + +From numerous sources of information, we learn that prime English beef +is underdone, which causes rather a run on mutton. _Revenons_, &c., +is the watchword in many households. Poultry flies rather high for +the time of year, and grouse is also up. Grice--why not? plural of +mouse, mice--grice, we say, are growing more absent, and therefore +dearer. Black game is not so darkly hued as it is painted, and a few +transactions in wild duck are reported. Lard is hardening, as usual +in frosty weather. Hares are not so mad as in March, still, on the +approach of a passer-by, they go off rapidly. Rabbits, especially +Welsh ones, are now excellent. As Christmas recedes, geese have +stopped laying golden eggs. Turkey (in Europe, at least) is in high +feather. Brill is now in brilliant condition; soles are right down to +the ground, whilst eels begin to show themselves in pairs. Halibut +is cheap, but sackbut is scarce, and psaltery requires such prolonged +soaking before it is fit for the table, that purchasers fight shy of +anything but small parcels. As for plaice, a large dealer tells us he +has been driven to the conclusion that there is "no plaice like home." + + * * * * * + +We hear of a curious incident in connection with the revival of _Henry +the Eighth_ at the Lyceum. On Saturday night, a gentleman who had +witnessed the play from the Stalls and carefully sat it out, demanded +his money back as he went out. He did so on the ground that he had +always understood that _Henry the Eighth_ was by SHAKSPEARE, and found +it credibly asserted that that gentleman had no part in the authorship +of the piece. Mr. BRAM STOKER, M.A., was called to the assistance +of the box-keeper, and ably discussed the point. Whilst declining to +commit himself to the admission that SHAKSPEARE had no hand in the +work, he quoted authority which assigned the authorship to FLETCHER +and MASSENGER; in which case, he ingeniously argued, the authorship +being dual, the price of the Stalls ought to be doubled. Conversation +taking this turn, the gentleman, whose name did not transpire, +withdrew. + + * * * * * + +Miss JANE COBDEN, ex-Alderman of the London County Council, who has +long pluckily championed Woman's Rights, has now, according to an +announcement in the papers, determined to assert her own, and get +married. _C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas_--Aldermanic. + + * * * * * + +A telegram from Berlin states that Dr. PFEIFFER, a son-in-law of +Professor KOCH, has succeeded in discovering the cause of influenza +and its infection in a bacillus, which, when seen under the +microscope, appears in the shape of a most minute rod. The best thing +that can be done with this rod is to put it in pickle, and keep it +there. + + * * * * * + +It is satisfactory to know that, at the approaching revival of +_Hubando, the Brigand_, the handkerchiefs used by the Brigands in +their famous scene of contrition at the end of the Third Act, are +entirely of British manufacture. We understand that they are from the +looms of Messrs. PUFF AND RECLAME. + + * * * * * + +In the First Act of the same piece, it will be remembered that the +bridal party is captured whole by _Hubando_, disguised as a mendicant, +in the recesses of one of the forests of the Abruzzi. The real +pine-trees, which are to figure in the foreground of this striking +scene, have been grown, with immense labour and expense, in the +well-known nurseries of Messrs. WEEDEM AND POTTER, at Ditchington. +The mendicant's rags, it should be added, are from one of our most +celebrated slop-shops in the Ratcliff Highway. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIUMPH OF ART OVER NATURE. + +_Serious Artist_. "I THINK YOU KNEW THE MODEL FOR THIS FIGURE--POOR +BEGGAR, DEAF AND DUMB." + +_Light-hearted Friend_. "I KNOW,--USED TO SIT AT CORNER OF STREET. +DEAF AND DUMB! BY JOVE, YOU'VE MADE A _SPEAKING_ LIKENESS OF HIM! +WONDERFUL!!"] + + * * * * * + +"THERE'S THE RUB!" + +(_AN OLD STORY WITH A NEW APPLICATION._) + +_Champion Bill-Poster, loquitur_:-- + + "Bill-stickers beware!" Ah! that's all very well, + A wondrously wise, if conventional, warning. + But _I_'m the legitimate "Poster"--a swell + In the paste-pot profession, all "notices" scorning. + A brush surreptitious, and Bills unofficial, + No doubt, are a nuisance to people of taste, + To Order offensive, to Law prejudicial, + But who can object to _my_ pot and _my_ paste? + + 'Tis time that this Poster were up! _Slap-dap-slosh_! + I think it a telling one. Brave, Big, Blue letters! + Some rivals about, but _their_ programmes won't wash; + Those Newcastle noodles must own us their betters. + I'm Champion Bill-Poster! Even Brum JOEY, + Who flouted me once will acknowledge that fact. + My Bills are so goey, and fetching, and showy, + My paste so adhesive, my brush so exact! + + _Slap-slop-slidder-slosh_! There's "stick-phast," if you like. + Bill-sticking like this is an Art, and no error. + Bold letters, brave colour! A poster to strike,-- + Admiration with some, and with some, perhaps, terror. + I wish I quite knew that the former preponderate,-- + That is, _sufficiently_. Mutterings I hear,-- + But there, 'tis a Bill to admire, and to wonder at. + Why, after five seasons' success, should I fear? + + Hist! What is that? Thought I heard a low grunt. + Hope not, I'm sure, for I'm sick of stye-voices + ARTHUR of those, has no doubt, borne the brunt; + Now in a semi-relief he rejoices + Pigs are fit only for styes and nose-ringing. + Never let Irish ones run loose and root, + Rather wish ARTHUR were less sweet on flinging + Pearls before pigs; as well feed 'em on fruit. + + _Hrumph_! There. I thought so! _Hrumph_! _hrumph_! What a pest! + Sure that big brute has his eye on my ladder. + Has ARTHUR loosed him? He thinks he knows best, + But a nasty spill _now_!--nothing well could be sadder + Brutes always rub their broad backs and stiff bristles + Against--anything that comes handy. Oh lor! + How the brute shoulders, and snorts, grunts and whistles! + Off to the gutter, you big Irish boar! + + Not he! He nears me! It _is_ ARTHUR's pet. + Light ladder this; would capsize in a jiffy. + His bristles he'd scrape and his tusks he would whet + Against it, I wish he were drowned in the Liffey! + _Whisht_! Get away! He's so heavy and big. + There! round the ladder he's playing the fooler. + Ah! there's the rub. PATRICK scumfish that Pig! + If he doesn't mean deviltry I'm a--Home Ruler! + [_Left fidgetting._ + + * * * * * + +UNASKED. + + Unasked, the Tax-Collector wild + Presents to smirking MARY his + Demand--on what the Roman styled + "_Kalendis Januariis_." + + Unasked, a Christmas-box to gain, + Sweeps, lamplighters, and postmen come; + Unasked--too often to remain-- + The wife's mammas of most men come. + + Unasked, it looms--that ophicleide + From Germany, with melodies + Whereat the cow of story died; + Whereat a modern fellow dies. + + Unasked, partakes my Christmas cheer, + (Whom oft, my front-door bell at, I've + Surprised, the better much for beer)-- + My Cook's fraternal relative. + + Unasked, my bills appear in shoals, + "_With compliments_" from creditors; + Unasked, in verse I send my soul's + Throbs--with a stamp--to Editors. + + Unasked, that editorial pack + Return my "throbs" in heavy, new, + Crisp envelopes, unstamped, alack! + While I defray the Revenue. + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM's nephew was reading aloud the prospectus of the Clerical, +Medical, and General Life Assurance Society. She was much impressed by +the idea of Clerical Assurance, and expressed herself greatly pleased +at the Ven. Archdeacon FARRAR being one of the Directors. "But what +puzzles me," observed the excellent lady, "is a paragraph headed +'Disposal of the Surplice.' I know that, years ago, there was a +'surplice difficulty.' But I thought that had been disposed of. Or," +she added, brightening up, as if struck by a happy solution of the +difficulty, "does it mean that the Clerical Assurance Society means to +take in washing? Most useful if they do, and so paying." + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF "CHAFF."--The husk of Wit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE'S THE RUB!" + +BILL-POSTER (_uneasily_). "IF THAT PIG DON'T MEAN DEVILTRY, I'M A ---- +SEPARATIST!"] + + * * * * * + +PLAYING OLD HARRY AT THE LYCEUM. + +[Illustration: The Magnetic Lady.] + +"I once did manage to make a cast correctly," writes ANDREW LANG, in +his charming book anent the sport and pastime of fishing, and if ever +HENRY IRVING made a cast to catch the public, it is now, when he uses +as his bait SHAKSPEARE's _Henry the Eighth_, got up in a style which +emphatically "beats the record," so utterly "regardless of expense" is +it, with well-tried, responsible actors, in what may be called minor +parts, though the majority of the _dramatis personæ_ are on a fair +dramatic equality, and with Our ELLEN TERRY, as _Queen Katharine_, and +himself as the great Lord Cardinal. + +[Illustration: "Go to," Norfolk and Suffolk!] + +The first difficulty that HENRY IRVING had to face--literally to +face--was that by no sort of art could he make up his features to +be an exact portrait of CARDINAL WOLSEY. Personally, I prefer Mr. +IRVING's picture of WOLSEY to the extant portraits, which concur in +representing him as a heavy, jowly-faced man, who might be taken as +a model for one of GUSTAVE DORÉ'S eccentric-looking ecclesiastics in +the _Contes Drolatiques_, rather than as the living presentment of the +great Chancellor, Statesman, and Churchman who ruled a cruel, crafty, +sensual tyrant, and successfully guided the policy of England at home +and abroad. HENRY IRVING's _Cardinal_ is a grand figure, courtly, +though somewhat too cringing withal, evidently despising the various +means he uses to further the end he has in view, and looking upon the +Lords, Courtiers and all around him as merely puppets, whose strings +he holds to work them as he will. + +[Illustration: The Cardinal's _Train de Luxe_.] + +Then, after seeing him as Sole Adviser of the Crown, after seeing him +as Highest Judge in the Ecclesiastical Divorce Court in such splendid +state as our Judge JEUNE may eye with envy, after seeing him in his +own Palace, most courteous as Grand Master and liberal Provider of +Right Royal Revels, he is exhibited to us in the deserted Hall, a +spectacle for gods and men (that is, shown to the Gallery and the rest +of the audience), the single figure of the Great Cardinal, fallen from +his high estate; and to him, in place of all his princely retinue, +comes his one faithful servant, CROMWELL, supporting his dying master, +for dying he is, as he staggers feebly from the Palace at Bridewell. +It is difficult to call to mind any situation in any play more +genuinely affecting in its simplicity than this. The audience is +held spell-bound,--yet, for my part, I should have welcomed a greater +variety in tone and action. + +[Illustration: Ellen Terry as Kate.] + +Miss ELLEN TERRY's _Queen Katharine_ is a "very woman." You can see +how she has caught the King, and how she still holds him. She loves +him, actually loves him, to the last to respect him is impossible, but +she respects herself; and it is just this love for him, for what he +was, not what he is, and her respect for herself, which Miss ELLEN +TERRY marks so forcibly. _Katharine_ is a foreigner, therefore is +her bearing, though stately, less stolid than that of the typical +English Tragedy Queen. The note of her dying scene, so striking by +its simplicity, is its perfect tranquillity. Who's _Griffith_? Why +the veteran HOWE (ah, Howe, When and Where did I first see you, +Sir? Wasn't it in the days when good old Mortonian farces were the +attraction at the Haymarket?) is "_the_ safe man," and excellently +well did he deliver his epitaph on _Wolsey_. But all are good, not +forgetting our old friend the sterling, that is the ARTHUR STIRLING +actor as _Cranmer_, and the youthful GILLIE FARQUHAR, unrecognisable +as _Lord Sands_, looking as ancient as if he were The Sands of Time. + +This revival is bound to have a long--it may be an unprecedentedly +long--run. All of us dearly love a show. Moreover, 'tis educational; +and the School Board should issue an Examination-paper on the history +of HENRY THE EIGHTH and his times as exemplified by Mr. IRVING & CO. +at the Lyceum. + +JACK-IN-THE-BOX. + +P.S.--The cost of production of _Henry the Eighth_ at the Lyceum was +£250,000 3s. 6¾d. Mr. IRVING's nightly expenses are £10,999 2s. 5½d. I +thought it had been more, but the above information comes to me from +a person whose veracity I should not like to question, except with the +boundless sea between us. + + * * * * * + +CON. FOR THE C.O.S.--When SHAKSPEARE said, "The quality of mercy is +not strained," did he mean that it was not strained through a Charity +Organisation Society? + + * * * * * + +"READING between the Lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a +Train coming. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKETCHES IN THE SADDLE BY OUR SPECIAL SPORTING ARTIST +ON THE SPOT.] + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +I.--GOLF. + +The Fairies who came to my Christening provided me with a large +collection of toys, implements, and other articles. There was a heart, +a tender one, a pen of gold, a set of Golf-clubs, a bat, wickets, and +a ball, oars and a boat, boxing gloves, foils, guns, rifles, books, +everything, except ready money, that heart could desire. Unluckily +one Fairy, who was old, deaf, plain, and who had not been invited, +observed, "It is all very well, my child, but not one of these +articles shall you be able to use satisfactorily." This awful curse +has hung heavy on my doom. With a restless desire to shine and excel, +at Lord's, on the river, on the Moors, in the forests, in Society, +on the Links, bitter personal experience and the remarks of candid +friends, tell me that the doom has come upon me. I am "an all-round +Duffer," as my youngest nephew, _ætat._ XI., freely informed me, when +I served twice out of court (once into the conservatory, the other +time through the study window). I was a Duffer at marbles, also +at tops, and my personal efforts in these kinds were constantly in +liquidation. But what are marbles and tops! The first regular game I +was entered at was Golf. Five is not too early to begin, and I began +at five by being knocked down with a club which another small boy was +brandishing. This naturally gave me an extreme zeal for the sport +of MARY STUART, the Great Marquis of MONTROSE, CHARLES EDWARD (who +introduced Golf into Italy), DUNCAN FORBES of Culloden, Mr. HORACE +HUTCHINSON, and other eminent historical characters. + +[Illustration] + +Almost everybody now knows that Golf is not Hockey. Nobody _runs_ +after the ball except young ladies at W--m--n! The object is to put +a very small ball into a very tiny and remotely distant hole, with +engines singularly ill adapted for the purpose. There are many +engines. First there is the Driver, a long club, wherewith the ball +is supposed to be propelled from the tee, a little patch of sand. +The Tee and the Caddie have nothing to do with each other; nobody +but a flippant Cockney sees any fun in plays upon words which, in +themselves, are only too serious. Then there is a weapon called a +Brassey. It is like unto a club, but is shod with brass, and is used +for hitting a ball in "a bad lie" among long grass or heather. A small +tomahawk, styled a Cleek, is employed when you don't know what else to +play with. The same remark applies to an Iron, which is very good for +missing the ball with, also for hitting to square leg when you meant +to go straight. A "Mashy" is a smaller "iron." The skilful use these +when the ball lies in sand, in gorse, or when they wish to make the +ball soar for a short distance and then fall dead. A Putter is a short +thickish club used for jogging the ball into the hole with. There are +plenty of other kinds of clubs, also spoons, but _these_ are enough to +break the heart of any Duffer. + +I am an old player, of forty years' standing, but, like _Parolles_ I +was "made for every man to breathe himself on." When my form is espied +near the links, the players shirk off as if I were a leper. They are +afraid I may want to make a match with them, and there is no falsehood +from which they will shrink, in their desire to escape me. Even +Ladies,--but this is a delicate theme. Beginners breathe themselves on +me, and give me odds after two or three engagements. + +Yet I don't know why I am so bad. True, I am short-sighted, never see +the flag at the hole, play in the wrong direction, and talk a good +deal on topics of academic interest during the round. The Golfer's +mind should be a blank, and generally is "blank enough," like _Sir +Tor's_ shield. My mind is, perhaps, too active--that may be what +is the matter with me. It is the same thing at whist--but of this +hereafter. My Caddie, or arm-bearer, has his own views about the +causes of my incompetence. + +"Ye're no standing richt. Ye haud yer hands wrang. Ye tak' yer ee off +the ba'. Ye're ower quick up. Ye're ower slow doun. Ye dinna swing. +Ye fa' back. Ye haud ower ticht wi' yer richt hand. Ye dinna let your +arms gang easy. Ye whiles tap, and whiles slice, and whiles heel, or +ye hit her aff the tae. Ye're hooking her. Ye're no thinking o' what +ye're doing. Ye'll never be a Gowfer. Lord! ony man can lairn Greek, +but Gowf needs a heid." + +Here are fifteen ways of going wrong, and there is only one way of +going right! Fifteen things to think of, every time you take a driver +in hand. And, remember, that is not nearly all. These fifteen fatal +errors apply to long driving. You may (or at least _I_ may, and do) +make plenty of other blunders with the other weapons. Say the ball +lies in sand--"a bunker," technically. If you hit it whack on the top, +it disappears in a foot-mark. If you "tak' plenty o' sand," why, you +_get_ plenty of sand in your mouth, your eyes, down the back of your +neck, and the ball is no forwarder. If you strike her quite clean, +she goes like a bullet against the face of the bunker, soars in the +air, falls on your head, and you lose the hole! Oh, Golf is full of +bitterness! + +Suppose we play a round. The ball is neatly "tee'd" on a patch of +sand. I approach, I shuffle with my feet for a secure footing, I +waggle my club in an airy manner. Then I take it up and whack it down. +A variety of things _may_ occur. I may smite the top of the hall, when +it runs on for twenty yards and lies in a rut on the road. I may hit +her on the heel of the club, when she spins, with much "cut" on, into +the sea. I may hit her with the toe of the club, when she soars to +square leg, and perhaps breaks a window. I used to try running in at +the ball, as if it were a half-volley at Cricket, but that way lies +madness. However, suppose that, in a lucid interval (as will happen), +I hit her clean. She soars away, and falls within forty yards of a +meandering burn. The hole, the haven where one would be, is beyond the +burn. + +I seize a cleek or an iron, it turns in my hand, cuts up the turf, and +the ball rolls half a dozen feet. My opponent has crossed the burn. +I try again; a fearful misdirected shot; the ball soars over the +burn and lands in a road behind the hole. There is no hitting out of +this road, or, if one does hit a desperate blow, the ball lands in +an eccentric sand-hole, called the Scholar's Bunker. We start for +the next hole. _Même jeu!_ Now we are in the gorse, now among the +Station Master's potatoes, now in the railway, where all hope may be +abandoned, now in bunkers many, now missing the ball altogether, when +you feel as if your arms had flown off. As for "putting" the short +strokes on the green, near the hole, if I hit sharp, the ball runs +over the hole yards and yards beyond, or if I hit mild, it stops with +an air of plaintive resignation, after dribbling for a foot or two. +And the worst of it is that, sometimes, you will play as well as +another for half-a-dozen holes. Then one thinks one has The Secret! +But it falls from us, vanishes, we are topping and slicing, and +heeling, and missing again as sorrily as ever. + +The beauty of Golf is that there are so many ways of going wrong, and +so many things to think of. A person of very moderately active mind +has his ideas diverted by the landscape, the sea, the blossom on the +gorse, the larks singing overhead, not to mention the whole system +of the universe. He forgets to keep his eye on the ball, in devoting +his energy to holding tight with his left, and being slow up. Or +he remembers to keep his eye on the ball, and forgets the other +essentials. Then an awful moment comes when he loses his temper. +Thereby all is lost, honour (not to mention "the honour,") and +everything. People in front, old people, are so provoking. They potter +tardily along, pass ten minutes in considering a putt, shout and swear +if you hit into them, and are not pleased if you sit down and smoke +while you wait. The only entity that I don't lose my temper with is my +partner. The worse he plays, the better am I pleased to have a brother +in adversity. The subjective Golfer, however, is certainly a bore. He +is "put off" by every simple circumstance, by his opponent wearing an +unbecoming cap and the like. Afterwards, he will hold forth for hours +on all his sorrows and all the sins of others. The Duffer is more +modest and less apologetic. He is kept always playing (as I said) +by the diabolical circumstance that he has lucid intervals, though +rarely, when he plays like other people for three or four holes. +I once, myself did the long hole in--but never mind. Nobody would +believe me. The most amiable of Duffers was he who, after ten strokes +in a bunker, cut his ball into three parts. "I am bringing it out," he +said, "in penny numbers." + +The born Duffer, I speak feelingly, is incurable. No amount of odds +will put him on the level even of Scotch Professors. For the learned +have divided Golf into several categories. There is Professional +Golf, the best Amateur Golf, Enthusiasts' Golf, Golf, Beginners' +Golf, Ladies' Golf, Infant Golf, Parlour Golf, the Golf of Scotch +Professors. But the true Duffer's Golf is far, far below that. A +Duffer like me is too bad for hanging. He should be condemned to play +for life at Chorley Wood, or to bush-whack at Bungay. + + * * * * * + +FREE AND EASY THEATRES.--We have no sympathy whatever with the idea of +a Théâtre Libre or with a Free-and-Easy Theatre, but we shall be very +glad when all Theatres are made Easy, Easy, that is, as to sitting +accommodation, and Easy of egress and ingress. But if the space is +to be enlarged, will not the prices have to be enlarged too? 'Tis +a problem in the discussion of which _The Players_, which is a new +journal, solely devoted to things Dramatic and Theatrical, would find +congenial employment. + + * * * * * + +VENICE AT OLYMPIA. + + ["The water in the canals is two feet in depth, and is kept at + a temperature of sixty degrees." + +_Vidé the Press on "Venice at Olympia."_] + +[Illustration] + + O Jane, thou jewel of my heart-- + Thou object of my hopeless passion, + Though Fate decrees that we must part, + I'll leave thee in some novel fashion! + I will not do as others do + When cheated of prospective bridal, + And quit the Bridge of Waterloo + With header swift and suicidal. + + I will not seek--as others seek-- + Some public-house in mean and _low_ street, + And drink--till haled before the Beak + Who patiently presides at Bow Street. + I will not throw--as others throw-- + My manly form, without compunction, + Before the frequent trains that go + At lightning speed through Clapham Junction. + + For though my spirit seeks escape + From all the carking cares that vex it, + I will not plunge thee into crape + By any ordinary exit: + So when--in slang--I "take my hook," + Detesting all that's mean and skimpy, a + Reserved and numbered seat I'll book, + And hie to Venice at Olympia. + + I'll see the Show that draws the town-- + Its pageantry delight affording-- + As per the details noted down + Where posters flame on every hoarding; + And then the sixpence I will pay, + Which in my pocket now I'm fondling, + And try upon the water-way + The new experience of gondling. + + I know that death will seem delight + When in the gondola I'm seated, + For up to sixty Fahrenheit + The Grand Canal is nicely heated; + So--sick of life's incessant storm, + Impatient of its kicks and pinches-- + I'll plunge within the water warm, + And drown--in four-and-twenty inches! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +After copious draughts of novels and romances which, the morning +after, leave the literary palate as dry as a lime-kiln, or as Mrs. RAM +would say, "as a lamb-kin," the Baron, thirsting for a more satisfying +beverage, took up a volume, which he may fairly describe as a youthful +quarto, or an imperial pinto, coming from the CHAPMAN AND HALL +cellars, that is, book-sellers, entitled _On Shibboleths_, and written +by W.S. LILLY. In a recent trial it came out that Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH +is the accredited and professional reader for Messrs. CHAPMAN AND +HALL. Is it possible that this eminent philosophical Novelist is +indebted to a quiet perusal of _Shibboleths_ for some of the quaint +philosophical touches not to be read off schoolboywise, with hurried +ellipses, blurting lips, and unintelligent brain, if any, which make +_One of Our Conquerors_ and others, worth perusal? Be this as it may, +which is a convenient shibbolethian formula, the Baron read this book, +and enjoyed it muchly. There is an occasional dig into the Huxleian +anatomy, given with all the politeness of a Louis-the-Fifteenthian +"M.A.," otherwise _Maître d'Armes_, and a passing reference to "The +People's WILLIAM" and the carrying out of the People's will--which is +quite another affair,--all, to quote Sir PETER, "vastly entertaining." +The chapter on the Shibboleth "Education" is, thinks the Baron, about +the best. Mr. LILLY is a Satirist who, as GEORGIUS MEREDITHIUS MAGNUS +might express it, is, in his fervour, near a truth, grasps it, and is +moved to moral distinctness, mental intention, with a preference of +strong, plain speech, and a chuck of interjectory quotation over the +crack of his whip, with which tramping active he flicks his fellows +sharply. With which Meredithism concludes + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +PREUX CHEVALIER. + +SIR,--The amazing popularity of the Costermonger Songs seems to me +a significant phenomenon. While no humane person would deny to the +itinerant vendor of comestibles that sympathy which is accorded +to the joys and sorrows of his more refined fellow-creatures, it +is impossible to view without alarm the hold which his loose and +ungrammatical diction is obtaining in the most cultured _salons_ of +to-day. Anxious to minimise the danger, yet loth to check a sentiment +of fraternity so creditable to our common humanity, I have devised +a plan by which Mr. CHEVALIER's songs may he rendered in such-wise +that while all their deep humanity is preserved, their English is so +elevated as to be innocuous to the nicest sensibility. Permit me to +give, just as a sample, my treatment of that very popular ballad, +known, _rubesco referens_, as "_Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road_." +Not being a singer, I have adopted Mr. CLIFFORD HARRISON's charming +plan of speaking through the music of the song, and this is how _I_ +render the chorus:-- + +"'How is it with you?' was the universal exclamation of the residents +in the vicinity. + +"'With whom, WILLIAM, have you made an appointment?' + +"'Have you, WILLIAM, purchased all the house-property in this +thoroughfare?' + +"Were my risible faculties exercised?--you ask me. Nay. Indeed I was +actually apprehensive of a fatal issue. + +"So striking was the effect produced upon those in the ancient Cantian +highway." + +This, Sir, not only gives the sense, but gives it, I venture to claim, +in a form fit for the apprehension of the most refined. Judging, +too, by the reception it met with at our recent Penny Readings, I +am convinced that Mr. CHEVALIER's peculiar humour is thoroughly +preserved, for, indeed, many of the audience laughed till I became +positively concerned for their safety. + +Yours faithfully, ROBERT BOWDLER SPALDING. + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS INDEED! + +That fiendish malefactor, the Influenza Bacillus, has been caught +at last! The peculiarity about him, confound him, is said to be +his "immobility." Ugh! the hard-hearted infinitesimally microscopic +monster! No tears, short-breathings, sighs, no groans, no sufferings, +nothing will move him. There he remains, untouched, immobile. +But there was one hopeful sign mentioned in the _Times_ of last +Saturday--the Bacillus was found "in chains, and in strings." Let the +chains be the heaviest possible till he can be tried by a Judge and +Jury; and don't resort to "strings" till the supply of chains has +failed. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, January 16, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14217-8.txt or 14217-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/2/1/14217/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, January 16, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 30, 2004 [EBook #14217] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 16, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25.png" + alt="LES FRANCAIS PEINTS PAR EUX-MÊMES (ET ILLUSTRÊS PAR NOUS)." /> + </a> + + <h3>LES FRANCAIS PEINTS PAR EUX-MÊMES (ET ILLUSTRÊS PAR + NOUS).</h3>"O JULIETTE!" S'ÉCRIA OSCAR, EN S'ASSEYANT À + COTÉ D'ELLE SUR LA PIERRE TUMULAIRE, "ÉPOUSE DE MON + MEILLEUR AMI! JE JURE QUE JE T'ADORE! JE JURE ICI, SUR LA + TOMBE DE MA SAINTE MÈRE, QUI BÉNIT NOS AMOURS DE LÀ HAUT!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CABITAL!</h2> + + <p>SIR,—The proposal to extend the Cab Radius to five + miles from Charing Cross is good in its way, but it does not go + far enough. My idea is that the cheap cab-fare should include + any place in the Home Counties. Cabmen should also be prevented + by law from refusing to take a person, say, from Piccadilly to + St. Albans, on the plea that their horse "could not do the + distance." All assertions of that kind should be punished as + perjury. Cabmen are notoriously untruthful. Why should not Cab + Proprietors, too, be obliged to keep relays of horses at + convenient spots on all the main roads out of Town in case a + horse really proves unequal to going fifteen miles or so into + the country, in addition to a hard day's work in + London?—Yours unselfishly,</p> + + <p class="author"><i>St. Albans</i>. NORTHWARD HO!</p> + + <p>SIR,—Why <i>will</i> people libel the Suburbs, and + keep on describing them as dull? I am sure that a place which, + like the one I write from, contains a Lawn Tennis Club + (entrance into which we keep <i>very</i> select), a Circulating + Library, where all the new books of two years' back are + obtainable without much delay, a couple of handsome and ascetic + young Curates, and a public Park, capable of holding twenty-six + perambulators and as many nursemaids at one and the same time, + can only fitly be described as an Elysium. Still, we + <i>should</i> be grateful for better facilities for getting + away from its delights now and then, and this proposal to + extend the Cab Radius has the warmest support of Yours,</p> + + <p class="author">EASILY SATISFIED.</p> + + <p>SIR,—By all means let us have cheaper Cabs in Greater + London! The County Council should subsidise a lot of Cabs, to + ply exclusively between London and the outskirts. Or why not a + Government Cab Purchase Bill, like the Irish Land Purchase one? + We want a special Minister for Public Locomotion—perhaps + Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL would accept the post?</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, spiritedly, HAMPSTEAD HEATHEN.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"HARD TO BEER!"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Advance-sheet from a projected Anti-Bacchanalian + Tragi-farce, to be called "By Order of the Kaiser."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Market Place in Berlin.</i> German + Students <i>carousing.</i> Emissary of the Emperor + <i>seated at table apart watching them. Apprehensive</i> + Waiters <i>nervously supplying the wants of their + Customers.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First German Student</i>. Another flagon of beer, + Kellner!</p> + + <p><i>Waiter</i>. Here, Mein Herr! (<i>Brings glass and, as he + places it on the table, whispers aside.</i>) Oh, beware, my + good Lord—this is your second glass.</p> + + <p><i>First Ger. Stu.</i> (<i>with a laugh</i>). I know what I + am about! And now, my friends, I give you a toast—The + Liberty of the Fatherland!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Students</i>. The Liberty of the Fatherland! + [<i>They all drink.</i></p> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> (<i>apart</i>). Ha!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He makes an entry in his note-book.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Ger. Stu.</i> And now fill another glass. Fill, my + comrades—I pray you, fill! Kellner! glasses + round—for myself and friends.</p> + + <p><i>Kellner</i> (<i>as before—supplying their wants and + warning them</i>). Oh, my gracious Lord, be careful! Your third + glass—mind now, your third glass; you know the risk you + are running! But one false drop and you are lost!</p> + + <p><i>First Ger. Stu.</i> (<i>as before</i>). Well, my good + friend, be sure you supply us with no drop that is not good! + Ha, ha, ha! Eh, KARL! eh, CONRAD! eh, HANS! Did you hear my + merry jest?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They all laugh.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> (<i>as before</i>). Ha! (<i>making an + entry in his note-book</i>). And they laugh at a witless joke! + Good! Very good!</p> + + <p><i>First Ger. Stu.</i> (<i>joyously</i>). And now, my + comrades, yet another toast—The Prosperity of the + People!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Ger. Stu.</i> (<i>raising their glasses</i>). + The People!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They all drink.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> (<i>apart</i>) Ha!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He makes an entry in his note-book.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Ger. Stu</i>. And now, a final flagon! Kellner!</p> + + <p><i>Kellner</i> (<i>as before</i>). Oh, high-born customer, + beware! This is your fourth glass! You know the law!</p> + + <p><i>First Ger. Stu.</i> (<i>as before</i>). That indeed I do! + And I also know that my daily allowance is—or rather + was—twelve quarts <i>per diem</i>! And now, comrades, our + last toast—The Freedom of the Press!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Ger. Stu.</i> (<i>raising their glasses</i>). + The Freedom of the Press!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They all drink.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> (<i>apart</i>). This is too much! + (<i>He rises, and approaches the Students</i>.) Your pardon, + Gentlemen! But do you really believe in the toasts you have + just drunk?</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Stu.</i> Why, certainly!</p> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> What, in the Liberty of the + Fatherland?</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Stu.</i> To be sure—why not?</p> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> And the Prosperity of the + People—mind you, only the People?</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Stu.</i> Exactly—don't you?</p> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> And further. You wish well to the + Freedom of the Press?</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Stu.</i> That was our toast! What next?</p> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> (<i>producing staff of + authority</i>). That, in the name of His Majesty, I arrest + you!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Stu.</i> (<i>astounded</i>). Arrest us! + Why?</p> + + <p><i>Em. of the Emp.</i> Because, if you believe in the + Liberty of the Fatherland, ask for the Prosperity of the + People, and admire the Freedom of the Press, you must be + drunk!—very drunk! In virtue of the new law (which + punishes the crime of intoxication), away with them!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Students <i>are loaded with chains, and + imprisoned, for an indefinite period, in the lowest dungeon + beneath the castle's moat. Curtain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>OUR HUMOROUS COMPOSER.—What Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN said + or sung before deciding on taking a Villa at Turbie, on the + Riviera,—"Turbie, or not Turbie, that is the question." + He is now hard at work writing a new Opera (founded, we + believe, on <i>Cox and Box</i>), and "I am here," he says, in + his quaint way, "because I don't want to be dis-turbie'd."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>THE "RETURNED + EMPTY."</h3><a href="images/26.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/26.png" + alt="THE 'RETURNED EMPTY.'" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Returned Prodigal sings, to the tune of "Randy Pandy, + O!"</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, here I'm back from Mashonaland!</p> + + <p class="i2">Mine's hardly a proud position.</p> + + <p>My ideas in going were vaguely grand,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—look at my present + condition!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I may cool my heels on this packing-case;</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis a little mite like <i>me</i>, + Sir!</p> + + <p>Say my "candid friends," as they watch my face,</p> + + <p class="i2">"O.I.C.U.R.M.T., Sir!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">I'm the prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh!</p> + + <p class="i2">Returned to my native landy, oh!</p> + + <p>With a big moustache, and but little cash,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though the latter would come in handy, + oh!</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Like the nursery Jack-a-dandy, oh!</p> + + <p class="i2">I may "love plum-cake and candy," oh!</p> + + <p>But tarts and toffies, or sweets of office,</p> + + <p class="i2">Seem not—at present—for + GRANDY, oh!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, I chucked them up,—was it <i>nous</i> or + <i>pique</i>?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Is</i> the prodigal worst of + ninnies?</p> + + <p>The fatted calf, and the better half</p> + + <p class="i2">Of his father's love—and + guineas,—</p> + + <p>May fall to his share as he homeward lies,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the husks have lost their + flavour.</p> + + <p><i>My</i> calf? Well, it does not greet my eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I don't yet sniff its savour.</p> + + <p class="i4">I'm a prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh!</p> + + <p class="i4">Retired from Mashona-landy, oh!</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm left like a laggard. Grim RIDER + HAGGARD</p> + + <p class="i4">(Whose fiction is "blood-and-brandy," + oh!)</p> + + <p class="i4">Says Africa always comes handy, oh!</p> + + <p class="i4">For "something new." It sounds grandy, + oh!</p> + + <p class="i2">But a telling new plot I'm afraid is + <i>not</i></p> + + <p class="i4">The fortune of GRANDY-PANDY, oh!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Did they miss me much? Well, I fancy not;</p> + + <p class="i2">(Though a few did come to greet me;)</p> + + <p>The general verdict's "A very queer lot!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor is SOL in a hurry to meet me.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> does not spy me afar off. No!</p> + + <p class="i2">He would rather I kept my distance;</p> + + <p>And if to the front I again should go,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twon't be with <i>his</i> + assistance.</p> + + <p class="i4">He deems me a troublesome GRANDY, oh'</p> + + <p class="i4">In political harness not handy, oh!</p> + + <p class="i2">I am out of a job, while BALFOUR is a + nob,</p> + + <p class="i4">That lank and effeminate dandy, oh!</p> + + <p class="i4">Well, a prodigal son <i>may</i> be + "sandy." oh!</p> + + <p class="i4">I am off for a soda-and-brandy, oh!</p> + + <p class="i2">And a "tub" at my Club, where I'm sure of + a snub</p> + + <p class="i4">From the foes of returning GRANDY, + oh!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/27.png" + alt="'A VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTION.'" /></a> + + <h3>"A VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTION."</h3> + + <p><i>Philistine Wife</i>. "YOUR PAPER ISN'T AT ALL AMUSING + JUST NOW. BUT THERE, I MUST CONFESS IT IS <i>NOT</i> EASY + TO BE EITHER FUNNY OR WITTY EVERY WEEK."</p> + + <p><i>Journalist</i> (<i>much worried</i>). "NO, MY DEAR, + MUCH EASIER TO BE ALWAYS DULL AND PROSAIC EVERY + EVENING."</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>He was about to add a personal + illustration, but as, fortunately, he didn't, the subject + dropped.</i>]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CROSS-EXAMINER'S VADE MECUM.</h2> + + <p><i>Question</i>. Have you a right to ask any question in + Court?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. Certainly, and the questioning is left to my + discretion.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> What do you understand by discretion?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> An unknown quality defined occasionally by the + Press and the Public.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> Is the definition invariably the same?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> No, for it depends upon the exigencies of the + Press and the frivolity and fickleness of the Public.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> Were you to refrain from questioning a Witness + anent his antecedents, and subsequently those antecedents + becoming known, his evidence were to lose the credence of the + papers, what would be said of you?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> That I had neglected my duty.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> Were you to question a Witness on his past, + and, by an interruption of the trial, that Witness's evidence + were consequently to become superfluous, what would then be + said of you?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> That I had exceeded my duty.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> Is it an easy matter to reconcile the interests + of your clients with the requirements of Public Opinion.</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> It is a most difficult arrangement, the more + especially as Public Opinion is usually composed of the joint + ideas of hundreds of people who know as much about law as does + a bed-post.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> In the eyes of Public Opinion, whose + commendation is the most questionable?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> The commendation of a Judge, because it stands + to reason (according to popular ideas) that a man who knows his + subject thoroughly must be unable to come to any definite + decision as to its merits.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> And in the eyes of the same authority, whose + commendation is the most valuable?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> In the eyes of Public Opinion the most valuable + commendation would come from a man who is absolutely ignorant + of everything connected with a Counsel's practice, but who can + amply supply this possible deficiency by writing a letter to + the papers and signing himself "FAIR PLAY."</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> Is there any remedy for setting right any + misconception that may have occurred as to the rights and + wrongs of cross-examiners?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> Yes, the Public might learn what the business of + a cross-examiner really is.</p> + + <p><i>Ques.</i> I see, and having done this, can you recommend + anything further?</p> + + <p><i>Ans.</i> Having learned a cross-examiner's business, the + Public might then have time to attend—to its own!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XXIII.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Lower Hall of the Scuola di San + Rocco, Venice. British Tourists discovered studying the + Tintorets on the walk and ceiling by the aid of</i> RUSKIN, + HARE, <i>and</i> BÆDEKER, <i>from which they read aloud, + instructively, to one another.</i> Miss PRENDERGAST <i>has + brought "The Stones of Venice" for the benefit of her + brother and</i> PODBURY. <i>Long self-repression has + reduced</i> PODBURY <i>to that unpleasantly hysterical + condition known as "a fit of the giggles," which, however, + has hitherto escaped detection.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/28.png" + alt="'A Solemn Gentleman, with a troublesome cough, reading aloud to his Wife.'" /> + </a>"A Solemn Gentleman, with a troublesome cough, reading + aloud to his Wife." + </div> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>standing opposite "The Flight into Egypt" + reading</i>). "One of the principal figures here is the + Donkey." Where <i>is</i> Mr. PODBURY? (<i>To</i> P., <i>who + reappears, humbly proffering a tin focussing-case.</i>) Thanks, + but you need not have troubled! "The Donkey ... + um—um—never seen—um—um—any of the + nobler animals so sublime as this quiet head of the domestic + ass"—(<i>here</i> BOB <i>digs</i> PODBURY <i>in the ribs, + behind Miss P.'s back</i>)—"chiefly owing to the grand + motion in the nostril, and writhing in the ears." (<i>A + spasmodic choke from</i> PODBURY.) May I ask what you find so + amusing?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>crimson</i>). I—I <i>beg</i> your + pardon—I don't know <i>what</i> I was laughing at + exactly. (<i>Aside to</i> BOB.) <i>Will</i> you shut up, + confound you!</p> + + <p><i>A Stout Lady, close by</i> (<i>reading from</i> HARE). + "The whole symmetry of it depending on a narrow line of light." + (<i>Dubiously, to her Daughter</i>.) I don't + <i>quite</i>—oh yes, I do now—that's it—where + my sunshade is—"the edge of a carpenter's square, which + connects those unused tools" ... h'm—can <i>you</i> make + out the "unused tools," ETHEL? <i>I</i> can't.... But he + says—"The Ruined House is the Jewish Dispensation." Now I + should never have found <i>that</i> out for myself. (<i>They + pass to another canvas.</i>) "TINTORET denies himself all aid + from the features.... No time allowed for watching the + expression" ... (That reminds me—what <i>is</i> the time + by your bracelet, darling?) "No blood, no stabbing, or cutting + ... but an awful substitute for these in the chiaroscuro." (Ah, + yes, indeed! Do you see it, love?—in the right-hand + corner?) "So that our + eyes"—(<i>comfortably</i>)—"seem to become + bloodshot, and strained with strange horror, and deadly + vision." (Not one o'clock, <i>really</i>?—and we've to + meet Papa outside Florian's, for lunch at one-thirty! Dear me, + we mustn't stay too long over this room.)</p> + + <p><i>A Solemn Gentleman</i> (<i>with a troublesome cough, who + is also provided with</i> HARE, <i>reading aloud to his + wife</i>).... "Further enhanced + by—rook—rook—rook!—a + largely-made—rook—ook!—farm-servant, leaning + on + a—ork—ork—ork—ork—or—ook!—basket." + Shall I—ork!—go on?</p> + + <p><i>His Wife</i>. Yes, dear, do, <i>please</i>! It makes one + notice things so <i>much</i> more!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Solemn Gentleman <i>goes on.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>as they reach the staircase</i>). Now + just look at this Titian, Mr. PODBURY! RUSKIN particularly + mentions it. Do note the mean and petty folds of the drapery, + and compare them with those in the TINTORETS in there.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>obediently</i>). Yes, I + will,—a—did you mean <i>now</i>—and will it + take me long, because—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Miss PRENDERGAST <i>sweeps on scornfully.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>following, with a desperate effort to be + intelligent</i>). They don't seem to have any Fiammingoes + here.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>freezingly, over her shoulder</i>). Any + <i>what</i>, Mr. PODBURY? Flamingoes?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>confidently, having noted down the name at + the Accademia on his shirt-cuff</i>). No, "Ignoto Fiammingo," + don't you know. I like that chap's style—what I call + thoroughly Venetian.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Well-informed persons in front overhear and + smile.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). That is rather + strange—because "Ignoto Fiammingo" happens to be merely + the Italian for "an unknown Fleming," Mr. PODBURY. [<i>Collapse + of</i> PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. (<i>aside to</i> PODBURY). You great owl, you + came a cropper <i>that</i> time! [<i>He and</i> PODBURY + <i>indulge in a subdued bear-fight up the stairs, after which + they enter the Upper Hall in a state of preternatural + solemnity.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Solemn G.</i> Now what <i>I</i> want to see, my dear, + is the ork—ork—angel that RUSKIN thinks TINTORETTO + painted the day after he saw a + rook—kic—kic—kic—kingfisher.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[BOB <i>nudges</i> PODBURY, <i>who resists temptation + heroically.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>reading</i>).... "the fig-tree which, by + a curious caprice, has golden ribs to all its leaves."—Do + you see the ribs, Mr. PODBURY.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>feebly</i>). Y—yes. I <i>believe</i> + I do. Think they grew that sort of fig-tree formerly, or is + it—a—<i>allegorical</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>receiving this query in crushing + silence</i>). The ceiling requires careful study. Look at that + oblong panel in the centre—with the fiery serpents, which + RUSKIN finely compares to "winged lampreys." You're not looking + in the right way to see them, Mr. PODBURY!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>faintly</i>). I—I did see + them—<i>all</i> of them, on my honour I did! But it gives + me such a crick in my neck!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Surely TINTORET is worth a crick in the neck. + Did you observe "the intense delight in biting expressed in + their eyes?"</p> + + <p><i>Bob.</i> (<i>frivolously</i>). <i>I</i> did, + 'PATIA—exactly the same look I observed last night, in a + mosquito's eye.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[PODBURY <i>has to use his handkerchief + violently.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Stout Lady</i>. Now, ETHEL, we can just spend ten + minutes on the ceiling—and then we <i>must</i> go. That's + evidently JONAH in the small oval. (<i>Referring to plan</i>.) + Yes, I thought so,—it <i>is</i> JONAH. RUSKIN considers + "the whale's tongue much too large, unless it is a kind of + crimson cushion for JONAH to kneel upon." Well, why + <i>not</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Ethel</i>. A cushion, Mother? what, <i>inside</i> the + whale!</p> + + <p><i>The Stout Lady</i>. That we are not <i>told</i>, my + love—"The submissiveness of Jonah is well given"—So + true—but Papa can't bear being kept waiting for his + lunch—we really ought to go now. [<i>They go.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Solemn G.</i> (<i>reading</i>). "There comes up out + of the mist a dark hand." Have <i>you</i> got the dark hand + yet, my dear?</p> + + <p><i>His Wife</i>. No, dear, only the mist. At least, there's + something that <i>may</i> be a branch; or a <i>bird</i> of some + sort.</p> + + <p><i>The S.G.</i> Ha, it's full of suggestion—full of + suggestion!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He passes on, coughing.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>to</i> PODBURY, <i>who is still + quivering</i>). Now notice the end one—"the Fall of + Manna"—not <i>that</i> end; that's "the Fall of + <i>Man</i>." RUSKIN points out (<i>reading</i>)—"A very + sweet incident. Four or five sheep, instead of pasturing, turn + their heads to catch the manna as it comes down" (<i>here</i> + BOB <i>catches</i> PODBURY's <i>eye</i>) "or seem to be licking + it off each other's fleeces." (PODBURY <i>is suddenly convulsed + by inexplicable and untimely mirth.</i>) Really, Mr. PODBURY, + this is <i>too</i> disgraceful! [<i>She shuts the book sharply + and walks away.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Outside; by the landing-steps.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> BOB, go on and get the gondola ready. I wish + to speak to Mr. PODBURY. (<i>To</i> PODBURY, <i>after</i> BOB + <i>has withdrawn.</i>) Mr. PODBURY, I cannot tell you how + disgusted and disappointed I feel at your senseless + irreverence.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>penitently</i>). I—I'm really most + awfully sorry—but it came over me suddenly, and I simply + couldn't help myself!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> That is what makes it so very + hopeless—after all the pains I have taken with you! I + have been beginning to fear for some time that you are + incorrigible—and to-day is really the <i>last</i> straw! + So it is kinder to let you know at once that you have been + tried and found wanting. I have no alternative but to release + you finally from your vows—I cannot allow you to remain + my suitor any longer.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>humbly</i>). I was always afraid I + shouldn't last the course, don't you know. I did my + best—but it wasn't <i>in</i> me, I suppose. It was + awfully good of you to put up with me so long. And, I say, you + won't mind our being friends still, will you now?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Of course not. I shall always wish you well, + Mr. PODBURY—only I won't trouble you to accompany me to + any more galleries!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> A—thanks. I—I mean, I know I should + only be in your way and all that. And—I'd better say + good-bye, Miss PRENDERGAST. You won't want me in the gondola + just now, I'm sure. I can easily get another.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Well—good-bye then, Mr. PODBURY. I will + explain to BOB.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She steps into the gondola</i>; BOB <i>raises his + eyebrows in mute interrogation at</i> PODBURY, <i>who + shakes his head, and allows the gondola to go without + him.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>to himself, as the gondola disappears</i>). + So <i>that's</i> over! Hanged if I don't think I'm sorry, after + all. It will be beastly lonely without anybody to bully me, and + she could be awfully nice when she chose.... Still it <i>is</i> + a relief to have got rid of old TINTORET, and not to have to + bother about BELLINI and CIMA and that lot.... How that beggar + CULCHARD will crow when he hears of it! Shan't tell him + anything—if I can help it.... But the worst of getting + the sack is—people are almost <i>bound</i> to spot you + ... I think I'll be off to-morrow. I've had enough of + Venice!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/29-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-1.png" + alt="Hard-riding Individual." /></a><i>Hard-riding + Individual</i> (<i>to Friend, whose Horse has refused + with dire results</i>). "HELLO! CHARLEY, OLD MAN, HOW + ARE TURNIPS LOOKING DOWN IN THAT NEIGHBOURHOOD?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <p>In the admirably-compiled columns of "This Morning's News," + given in the <i>Daily News</i>, we read with interest a + paragraph occasionally appearing, furnishing information as to + prices current in the Provision Market. We have made + arrangements to supply our readers with something of the same + character, which cannot fail to be valued in the household.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:10%;"> + <a href="images/29-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-2.png" + alt="A Pair of 'Eels" /></a>A Pair of 'Eels. + </div> + + <p>From numerous sources of information, we learn that prime + English beef is underdone, which causes rather a run on mutton. + <i>Revenons</i>, &c., is the watchword in many households. + Poultry flies rather high for the time of year, and grouse is + also up. Grice—why not? plural of mouse, + mice—grice, we say, are growing more absent, and + therefore dearer. Black game is not so darkly hued as it is + painted, and a few transactions in wild duck are reported. Lard + is hardening, as usual in frosty weather. Hares are not so mad + as in March, still, on the approach of a passer-by, they go off + rapidly. Rabbits, especially Welsh ones, are now excellent. As + Christmas recedes, geese have stopped laying golden eggs. + Turkey (in Europe, at least) is in high feather. Brill is now + in brilliant condition; soles are right down to the ground, + whilst eels begin to show themselves in pairs. Halibut is + cheap, but sackbut is scarce, and psaltery requires such + prolonged soaking before it is fit for the table, that + purchasers fight shy of anything but small parcels. As for + plaice, a large dealer tells us he has been driven to the + conclusion that there is "no plaice like home."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hear of a curious incident in connection with the revival + of <i>Henry the Eighth</i> at the Lyceum. On Saturday night, a + gentleman who had witnessed the play from the Stalls and + carefully sat it out, demanded his money back as he went out. + He did so on the ground that he had always understood that + <i>Henry the Eighth</i> was by SHAKSPEARE, and found it + credibly asserted that that gentleman had no part in the + authorship of the piece. Mr. BRAM STOKER, M.A., was called to + the assistance of the box-keeper, and ably discussed the point. + Whilst declining to commit himself to the admission that + SHAKSPEARE had no hand in the work, he quoted authority which + assigned the authorship to FLETCHER and MASSENGER; in which + case, he ingeniously argued, the authorship being dual, the + price of the Stalls ought to be doubled. Conversation taking + this turn, the gentleman, whose name did not transpire, + withdrew.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Miss JANE COBDEN, ex-Alderman of the London County Council, + who has long pluckily championed Woman's Rights, has now, + according to an announcement in the papers, determined to + assert her own, and get married. <i>C'est magnifique, mais ce + n'est pas</i>—Aldermanic.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A telegram from Berlin states that Dr. PFEIFFER, a + son-in-law of Professor KOCH, has succeeded in discovering the + cause of influenza and its infection in a bacillus, which, when + seen under the microscope, appears in the shape of a most + minute rod. The best thing that can be done with this rod is to + put it in pickle, and keep it there.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is satisfactory to know that, at the approaching revival + of <i>Hubando, the Brigand</i>, the handkerchiefs used by the + Brigands in their famous scene of contrition at the end of the + Third Act, are entirely of British manufacture. We understand + that they are from the looms of Messrs. PUFF AND RECLAME.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the First Act of the same piece, it will be remembered + that the bridal party is captured whole by <i>Hubando</i>, + disguised as a mendicant, in the recesses of one of the forests + of the Abruzzi. The real pine-trees, which are to figure in the + foreground of this striking scene, have been grown, with + immense labour and expense, in the well-known nurseries of + Messrs. WEEDEM AND POTTER, at Ditchington. The mendicant's + rags, it should be added, are from one of our most celebrated + slop-shops in the Ratcliff Highway.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="TRIUMPH OF ART OVER NATURE." /></a> + + <h3>TRIUMPH OF ART OVER NATURE.</h3> + + <p><i>Serious Artist</i>. "I THINK YOU KNEW THE MODEL FOR + THIS FIGURE—POOR BEGGAR, DEAF AND DUMB."</p> + + <p><i>Light-hearted Friend</i>. "I KNOW,—USED TO SIT + AT CORNER OF STREET. DEAF AND DUMB! BY JOVE, YOU'VE MADE A + <i>SPEAKING</i> LIKENESS OF HIM! WONDERFUL!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"THERE'S THE RUB!"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Old Story with a New Application.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Champion Bill-Poster, loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Bill-stickers beware!" Ah! that's all very + well,</p> + + <p class="i2">A wondrously wise, if conventional, + warning.</p> + + <p>But <i>I</i>'m the legitimate "Poster"—a + swell</p> + + <p class="i2">In the paste-pot profession, all + "notices" scorning.</p> + + <p>A brush surreptitious, and Bills unofficial,</p> + + <p class="i2">No doubt, are a nuisance to people of + taste,</p> + + <p>To Order offensive, to Law prejudicial,</p> + + <p class="i2">But who can object to <i>my</i> pot and + <i>my</i> paste?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis time that this Poster were up! + <i>Slap-dap-slosh</i>!</p> + + <p class="i2">I think it a telling one. Brave, Big, + Blue letters!</p> + + <p>Some rivals about, but <i>their</i> programmes won't + wash;</p> + + <p class="i2">Those Newcastle noodles must own us their + betters.</p> + + <p>I'm Champion Bill-Poster! Even Brum JOEY,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who flouted me once will acknowledge that + fact.</p> + + <p>My Bills are so goey, and fetching, and showy,</p> + + <p class="i2">My paste so adhesive, my brush so + exact!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Slap-slop-slidder-slosh</i>! There's + "stick-phast," if you like.</p> + + <p class="i2">Bill-sticking like this is an Art, and no + error.</p> + + <p>Bold letters, brave colour! A poster to + strike,—</p> + + <p class="i2">Admiration with some, and with some, + perhaps, terror.</p> + + <p>I wish I quite knew that the former + preponderate,—</p> + + <p class="i2">That is, <i>sufficiently</i>. Mutterings + I hear,—</p> + + <p>But there, 'tis a Bill to admire, and to wonder + at.</p> + + <p class="i2">Why, after five seasons' success, should + I fear?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hist! What is that? Thought I heard a low grunt.</p> + + <p class="i2">Hope not, I'm sure, for I'm sick of + stye-voices</p> + + <p>ARTHUR of those, has no doubt, borne the brunt;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now in a semi-relief he rejoices</p> + + <p>Pigs are fit only for styes and nose-ringing.</p> + + <p class="i2">Never let Irish ones run loose and + root,</p> + + <p>Rather wish ARTHUR were less sweet on flinging</p> + + <p class="i2">Pearls before pigs; as well feed 'em on + fruit.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Hrumph</i>! There. I thought so! <i>Hrumph</i>! + <i>hrumph</i>! What a pest!</p> + + <p class="i2">Sure that big brute has his eye on my + ladder.</p> + + <p>Has ARTHUR loosed him? He thinks he knows best,</p> + + <p class="i2">But a nasty spill + <i>now</i>!—nothing well could be sadder</p> + + <p>Brutes always rub their broad backs and stiff + bristles</p> + + <p class="i2">Against—anything that comes handy. + Oh lor!</p> + + <p>How the brute shoulders, and snorts, grunts and + whistles!</p> + + <p class="i2">Off to the gutter, you big Irish + boar!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not he! He nears me! It <i>is</i> ARTHUR's pet.</p> + + <p class="i2">Light ladder this; would capsize in a + jiffy.</p> + + <p>His bristles he'd scrape and his tusks he would + whet</p> + + <p class="i2">Against it, I wish he were drowned in the + Liffey!</p> + + <p><i>Whisht</i>! Get away! He's so heavy and big.</p> + + <p class="i2">There! round the ladder he's playing the + fooler.</p> + + <p>Ah! there's the rub. PATRICK scumfish that Pig!</p> + + <p class="i2">If he doesn't mean deviltry I'm + a—Home Ruler!</p> + + <p class="i10">[<i>Left fidgetting.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>UNASKED.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unasked, the Tax-Collector wild</p> + + <p class="i2">Presents to smirking MARY his</p> + + <p>Demand—on what the Roman styled</p> + + <p class="i2">"<i>Kalendis Januariis</i>."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unasked, a Christmas-box to gain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sweeps, lamplighters, and postmen + come;</p> + + <p>Unasked—too often to remain—</p> + + <p class="i2">The wife's mammas of most men come.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unasked, it looms—that ophicleide</p> + + <p class="i2">From Germany, with melodies</p> + + <p>Whereat the cow of story died;</p> + + <p class="i2">Whereat a modern fellow dies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unasked, partakes my Christmas cheer,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Whom oft, my front-door bell at, + I've</p> + + <p>Surprised, the better much for beer)—</p> + + <p class="i2">My Cook's fraternal relative.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unasked, my bills appear in shoals,</p> + + <p class="i2">"<i>With compliments</i>" from + creditors;</p> + + <p>Unasked, in verse I send my soul's</p> + + <p class="i2">Throbs—with a stamp—to + Editors.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unasked, that editorial pack</p> + + <p class="i2">Return my "throbs" in heavy, new,</p> + + <p>Crisp envelopes, unstamped, alack!</p> + + <p class="i2">While I defray the Revenue.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAM's nephew was reading aloud the prospectus of the + Clerical, Medical, and General Life Assurance Society. She was + much impressed by the idea of Clerical Assurance, and expressed + herself greatly pleased at the Ven. Archdeacon FARRAR being one + of the Directors. "But what puzzles me," observed the excellent + lady, "is a paragraph headed 'Disposal of the Surplice.' I know + that, years ago, there was a 'surplice difficulty.' But I + thought that had been disposed of. Or," she added, brightening + up, as if struck by a happy solution of the difficulty, "does + it mean that the Clerical Assurance Society means to take in + washing? Most useful if they do, and so paying."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DEFINITION OF "CHAFF."—The husk of Wit.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/31.png" + alt="'THERE'S THE RUB!'" /></a> + + <h3>"THERE'S THE RUB!"</h3>BILL-POSTER (<i>uneasily</i>). + "IF THAT PIG DON'T MEAN DEVILTRY, I'M A —— + SEPARATIST!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <h2>PLAYING OLD HARRY AT THE LYCEUM.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/33-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33-1.png" + alt="The Magnetic Lady." /></a>The Magnetic Lady. + </div> + + <p>"I once did manage to make a cast correctly," writes ANDREW + LANG, in his charming book anent the sport and pastime of + fishing, and if ever HENRY IRVING made a cast to catch the + public, it is now, when he uses as his bait SHAKSPEARE's + <i>Henry the Eighth</i>, got up in a style which emphatically + "beats the record," so utterly "regardless of expense" is it, + with well-tried, responsible actors, in what may be called + minor parts, though the majority of the <i>dramatis personæ</i> + are on a fair dramatic equality, and with Our ELLEN TERRY, as + <i>Queen Katharine</i>, and himself as the great Lord + Cardinal.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/33-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33-2.png" + alt="'Go to,' Norfolk and Suffolk!" /></a>"Go to," + Norfolk and Suffolk! + </div> + + <p>The first difficulty that HENRY IRVING had to + face—literally to face—was that by no sort of art + could he make up his features to be an exact portrait of + CARDINAL WOLSEY. Personally, I prefer Mr. IRVING's picture of + WOLSEY to the extant portraits, which concur in representing + him as a heavy, jowly-faced man, who might be taken as a model + for one of GUSTAVE DORÉ'S eccentric-looking ecclesiastics in + the <i>Contes Drolatiques</i>, rather than as the living + presentment of the great Chancellor, Statesman, and Churchman + who ruled a cruel, crafty, sensual tyrant, and successfully + guided the policy of England at home and abroad. HENRY IRVING's + <i>Cardinal</i> is a grand figure, courtly, though somewhat too + cringing withal, evidently despising the various means he uses + to further the end he has in view, and looking upon the Lords, + Courtiers and all around him as merely puppets, whose strings + he holds to work them as he will.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/33-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33-3.png" + alt="The Cardinal's <i>Train de Luxe</i>." /> + </a>The Cardinal's <i>Train de Luxe</i>. + </div> + + <p>Then, after seeing him as Sole Adviser of the Crown, after + seeing him as Highest Judge in the Ecclesiastical Divorce Court + in such splendid state as our Judge JEUNE may eye with envy, + after seeing him in his own Palace, most courteous as Grand + Master and liberal Provider of Right Royal Revels, he is + exhibited to us in the deserted Hall, a spectacle for gods and + men (that is, shown to the Gallery and the rest of the + audience), the single figure of the Great Cardinal, fallen from + his high estate; and to him, in place of all his princely + retinue, comes his one faithful servant, CROMWELL, supporting + his dying master, for dying he is, as he staggers feebly from + the Palace at Bridewell. It is difficult to call to mind any + situation in any play more genuinely affecting in its + simplicity than this. The audience is held + spell-bound,—yet, for my part, I should have welcomed a + greater variety in tone and action.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/33-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33-4.png" + alt="Ellen Terry as Kate." /></a>Ellen Terry as Kate. + </div> + + <p>Miss ELLEN TERRY's <i>Queen Katharine</i> is a "very woman." + You can see how she has caught the King, and how she still + holds him. She loves him, actually loves him, to the last to + respect him is impossible, but she respects herself; and it is + just this love for him, for what he was, not what he is, and + her respect for herself, which Miss ELLEN TERRY marks so + forcibly. <i>Katharine</i> is a foreigner, therefore is her + bearing, though stately, less stolid than that of the typical + English Tragedy Queen. The note of her dying scene, so striking + by its simplicity, is its perfect tranquillity. Who's + <i>Griffith</i>? Why the veteran HOWE (ah, Howe, When and Where + did I first see you, Sir? Wasn't it in the days when good old + Mortonian farces were the attraction at the Haymarket?) is + "<i>the</i> safe man," and excellently well did he deliver his + epitaph on <i>Wolsey</i>. But all are good, not forgetting our + old friend the sterling, that is the ARTHUR STIRLING actor as + <i>Cranmer</i>, and the youthful GILLIE FARQUHAR, + unrecognisable as <i>Lord Sands</i>, looking as ancient as if + he were The Sands of Time.</p> + + <p>This revival is bound to have a long—it may be an + unprecedentedly long—run. All of us dearly love a show. + Moreover, 'tis educational; and the School Board should issue + an Examination-paper on the history of HENRY THE EIGHTH and his + times as exemplified by Mr. IRVING & CO. at the Lyceum.</p> + + <p class="author">JACK-IN-THE-BOX.</p> + + <p>P.S.—The cost of production of <i>Henry the Eighth</i> + at the Lyceum was £250,000 3<i>s.</i> 6-3/4<i>d.</i> Mr. + IRVING's nightly expenses are £10,999 2<i>s.</i> 5-1/2<i>d.</i> + I thought it had been more, but the above information comes to + me from a person whose veracity I should not like to question, + except with the boundless sea between us.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CON. FOR THE C.O.S.—When SHAKSPEARE said, "The quality + of mercy is not strained," did he mean that it was not strained + through a Charity Organisation Society?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"READING between the Lines" is a dangerous + occupation—when there's a Train coming.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/34.png" + alt="SKETCHES IN THE SADDLE BY OUR SPECIAL SPORTING ARTIST ON THE SPOT." /> + </a> + + <h3>SKETCHES IN THE SADDLE BY OUR SPECIAL SPORTING ARTIST + ON THE SPOT.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + + <h2>CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2> + + <h3>I.—GOLF.</h3> + + <p>The Fairies who came to my Christening provided me with a + large collection of toys, implements, and other articles. There + was a heart, a tender one, a pen of gold, a set of Golf-clubs, + a bat, wickets, and a ball, oars and a boat, boxing gloves, + foils, guns, rifles, books, everything, except ready money, + that heart could desire. Unluckily one Fairy, who was old, + deaf, plain, and who had not been invited, observed, "It is all + very well, my child, but not one of these articles shall you be + able to use satisfactorily." This awful curse has hung heavy on + my doom. With a restless desire to shine and excel, at Lord's, + on the river, on the Moors, in the forests, in Society, on the + Links, bitter personal experience and the remarks of candid + friends, tell me that the doom has come upon me. I am "an + all-round Duffer," as my youngest nephew, <i>ætat.</i> XI., + freely informed me, when I served twice out of court (once into + the conservatory, the other time through the study window). I + was a Duffer at marbles, also at tops, and my personal efforts + in these kinds were constantly in liquidation. But what are + marbles and tops! The first regular game I was entered at was + Golf. Five is not too early to begin, and I began at five by + being knocked down with a club which another small boy was + brandishing. This naturally gave me an extreme zeal for the + sport of MARY STUART, the Great Marquis of MONTROSE, CHARLES + EDWARD (who introduced Golf into Italy), DUNCAN FORBES of + Culloden, Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON, and other eminent historical + characters.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Almost everybody now knows that Golf is not Hockey. Nobody + <i>runs</i> after the ball except young ladies at + W—m—n! The object is to put a very small ball into + a very tiny and remotely distant hole, with engines singularly + ill adapted for the purpose. There are many engines. First + there is the Driver, a long club, wherewith the ball is + supposed to be propelled from the tee, a little patch of sand. + The Tee and the Caddie have nothing to do with each other; + nobody but a flippant Cockney sees any fun in plays upon words + which, in themselves, are only too serious. Then there is a + weapon called a Brassey. It is like unto a club, but is shod + with brass, and is used for hitting a ball in "a bad lie" among + long grass or heather. A small tomahawk, styled a Cleek, is + employed when you don't know what else to play with. The same + remark applies to an Iron, which is very good for missing the + ball with, also for hitting to square leg when you meant to go + straight. A "Mashy" is a smaller "iron." The skilful use these + when the ball lies in sand, in gorse, or when they wish to make + the ball soar for a short distance and then fall dead. A Putter + is a short thickish club used for jogging the ball into the + hole with. There are plenty of other kinds of clubs, also + spoons, but <i>these</i> are enough to break the heart of any + Duffer.</p> + + <p>I am an old player, of forty years' standing, but, like + <i>Parolles</i> I was "made for every man to breathe himself + on." When my form is espied near the links, the players shirk + off as if I were a leper. They are afraid I may want to make a + match with them, and there is no falsehood from which they will + shrink, in their desire to escape me. Even Ladies,—but + this is a delicate theme. Beginners breathe themselves on me, + and give me odds after two or three engagements.</p> + + <p>Yet I don't know why I am so bad. True, I am short-sighted, + never see the flag at the hole, play in the wrong direction, + and talk a good deal on topics of academic interest during the + round. The Golfer's mind should be a blank, and generally is + "blank enough," like <i>Sir Tor's</i> shield. My mind is, + perhaps, too active—that may be what is the matter with + me. It is the same thing at whist—but of this hereafter. + My Caddie, or arm-bearer, has his own views about the causes of + my incompetence.</p> + + <p>"Ye're no standing richt. Ye haud yer hands wrang. Ye tak' + yer ee off the ba'. Ye're ower quick up. Ye're ower slow doun. + Ye dinna swing. Ye fa' back. Ye haud ower ticht wi' yer richt + hand. Ye dinna let your arms gang easy. Ye whiles tap, and + whiles slice, and whiles heel, or ye hit her aff the tae. Ye're + hooking her. Ye're no thinking o' what ye're doing. Ye'll never + be a Gowfer. Lord! ony man can lairn Greek, but Gowf needs a + heid."</p> + + <p>Here are fifteen ways of going wrong, and there is only one + way of going right! Fifteen things to think of, every time you + take a driver in hand. And, remember, that is not nearly all. + These fifteen fatal errors apply to long driving. You may (or + at least <i>I</i> may, and do) make plenty of other blunders + with the other weapons. Say the ball lies in sand—"a + bunker," technically. If you hit it whack on the top, it + disappears in a foot-mark. If you "tak' plenty o' sand," why, + you <i>get</i> plenty of sand in your mouth, your eyes, down + the back of your neck, and the ball is no forwarder. If you + strike her quite clean, she goes like a bullet against the face + of the bunker, soars in the air, falls on your head, and you + lose the hole! Oh, Golf is full of bitterness!</p> + + <p>Suppose we play a round. The ball is neatly "tee'd" on a + patch of sand. I approach, I shuffle with my feet for a secure + footing, I waggle my club in an airy manner. Then I take it up + and whack it down. A variety of things <i>may</i> occur. I may + smite the top of the hall, when it runs on for twenty yards and + lies in a rut on the road. I may hit her on the heel of the + club, when she spins, with much "cut" on, into the sea. I may + hit her with the toe of the club, when she soars to square leg, + and perhaps breaks a window. I used to try running in at the + ball, as if it were a half-volley at Cricket, but that way lies + madness. However, suppose that, in a lucid interval (as will + happen), I hit her clean. She soars away, and falls within + forty yards of a meandering burn. The hole, the haven where one + would be, is beyond the burn.</p> + + <p>I seize a cleek or an iron, it turns in my hand, cuts up the + turf, and the ball rolls half a dozen feet. My opponent has + crossed the burn. I try again; a fearful misdirected shot; the + ball soars over the burn and lands in a road behind the hole. + There is no hitting out of this road, or, if one does hit a + desperate blow, the ball lands in an eccentric sand-hole, + called the Scholar's Bunker. We start for the next hole. + <i>Même jeu!</i> Now we are in the gorse, now among the Station + Master's potatoes, now in the railway, where all hope may be + abandoned, now in bunkers many, now missing the ball + altogether, when you feel as if your arms had flown off. As for + "putting" the short strokes on the green, near the hole, if I + hit sharp, the ball runs over the hole yards and yards beyond, + or if I hit mild, it stops with an air of plaintive + resignation, after dribbling for a foot or two. And the worst + of it is that, sometimes, you will play as well as another for + half-a-dozen holes. Then one thinks one has The Secret! But it + falls from us, vanishes, we are topping and slicing, and + heeling, and missing again as sorrily as ever.</p> + + <p>The beauty of Golf is that there are so many ways of going + wrong, and so many things to think of. A person of very + moderately active mind has his ideas diverted by the landscape, + the sea, the blossom on the gorse, the larks singing overhead, + not to mention the whole system of the universe. He forgets to + keep his eye on the ball, in devoting his energy to holding + tight with his left, and being slow up. Or he remembers to keep + his eye on the ball, and forgets the other essentials. Then an + awful moment comes when he loses his temper. Thereby all is + lost, honour (not to mention "the honour,") and everything. + People in front, old people, are so provoking. They potter + tardily along, pass ten minutes in considering a putt, shout + and swear if you hit into them, and are not pleased if you sit + down and smoke while you wait. The only entity that I don't + lose my temper with is my partner. The worse he plays, the + better am I pleased to have a brother in adversity. The + subjective Golfer, however, is certainly a bore. He is "put + off" by every simple circumstance, by his opponent wearing an + unbecoming cap and the like. Afterwards, he will hold forth for + hours on all his sorrows and + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> all the sins of others. The + Duffer is more modest and less apologetic. He is kept always + playing (as I said) by the diabolical circumstance that he + has lucid intervals, though rarely, when he plays like other + people for three or four holes. I once, myself did the long + hole in—but never mind. Nobody would believe me. The + most amiable of Duffers was he who, after ten strokes in a + bunker, cut his ball into three parts. "I am bringing it + out," he said, "in penny numbers."</p> + + <p>The born Duffer, I speak feelingly, is incurable. No amount + of odds will put him on the level even of Scotch Professors. + For the learned have divided Golf into several categories. + There is Professional Golf, the best Amateur Golf, Enthusiasts' + Golf, Golf, Beginners' Golf, Ladies' Golf, Infant Golf, Parlour + Golf, the Golf of Scotch Professors. But the true Duffer's Golf + is far, far below that. A Duffer like me is too bad for + hanging. He should be condemned to play for life at Chorley + Wood, or to bush-whack at Bungay.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FREE AND EASY THEATRES.—We have no sympathy whatever + with the idea of a Théâtre Libre or with a Free-and-Easy + Theatre, but we shall be very glad when all Theatres are made + Easy, Easy, that is, as to sitting accommodation, and Easy of + egress and ingress. But if the space is to be enlarged, will + not the prices have to be enlarged too? 'Tis a problem in the + discussion of which <i>The Players</i>, which is a new journal, + solely devoted to things Dramatic and Theatrical, would find + congenial employment.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VENICE AT OLYMPIA.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>["The water in the canals is two feet in depth, and is + kept at a temperature of sixty degrees."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="author"><i>Vidé the Press on "Venice at + Olympia."</i>]</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/36-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Jane, thou jewel of my heart—</p> + + <p class="i2">Thou object of my hopeless passion,</p> + + <p>Though Fate decrees that we must part,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll leave thee in some novel + fashion!</p> + + <p>I will not do as others do</p> + + <p class="i2">When cheated of prospective bridal,</p> + + <p>And quit the Bridge of Waterloo</p> + + <p class="i2">With header swift and suicidal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I will not seek—as others seek—</p> + + <p class="i2">Some public-house in mean and <i>low</i> + street,</p> + + <p>And drink—till haled before the Beak</p> + + <p class="i2">Who patiently presides at Bow Street.</p> + + <p>I will not throw—as others throw—</p> + + <p class="i2">My manly form, without compunction,</p> + + <p>Before the frequent trains that go</p> + + <p class="i2">At lightning speed through Clapham + Junction.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For though my spirit seeks escape</p> + + <p class="i2">From all the carking cares that vex + it,</p> + + <p>I will not plunge thee into crape</p> + + <p class="i2">By any ordinary exit:</p> + + <p>So when—in slang—I "take my hook,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Detesting all that's mean and skimpy, + a</p> + + <p>Reserved and numbered seat I'll book,</p> + + <p class="i2">And hie to Venice at Olympia.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll see the Show that draws the town—</p> + + <p class="i2">Its pageantry delight + affording—</p> + + <p>As per the details noted down</p> + + <p class="i2">Where posters flame on every + hoarding;</p> + + <p>And then the sixpence I will pay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which in my pocket now I'm fondling,</p> + + <p>And try upon the water-way</p> + + <p class="i2">The new experience of gondling.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know that death will seem delight</p> + + <p class="i2">When in the gondola I'm seated,</p> + + <p>For up to sixty Fahrenheit</p> + + <p class="i2">The Grand Canal is nicely heated;</p> + + <p>So—sick of life's incessant storm,</p> + + <p class="i2">Impatient of its kicks and + pinches—</p> + + <p>I'll plunge within the water warm,</p> + + <p class="i2">And drown—in four-and-twenty + inches!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/36-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>After copious draughts of novels and romances which, the + morning after, leave the literary palate as dry as a lime-kiln, + or as Mrs. RAM would say, "as a lamb-kin," the Baron, thirsting + for a more satisfying beverage, took up a volume, which he may + fairly describe as a youthful quarto, or an imperial pinto, + coming from the CHAPMAN AND HALL cellars, that is, + book-sellers, entitled <i>On Shibboleths</i>, and written by + W.S. LILLY. In a recent trial it came out that Mr. GEORGE + MEREDITH is the accredited and professional reader for Messrs. + CHAPMAN AND HALL. Is it possible that this eminent + philosophical Novelist is indebted to a quiet perusal of + <i>Shibboleths</i> for some of the quaint philosophical touches + not to be read off schoolboywise, with hurried ellipses, + blurting lips, and unintelligent brain, if any, which make + <i>One of Our Conquerors</i> and others, worth perusal? Be this + as it may, which is a convenient shibbolethian formula, the + Baron read this book, and enjoyed it muchly. There is an + occasional dig into the Huxleian anatomy, given with all the + politeness of a Louis-the-Fifteenthian "M.A.," otherwise + <i>Maître d'Armes</i>, and a passing reference to "The People's + WILLIAM" and the carrying out of the People's will—which + is quite another affair,—all, to quote Sir PETER, "vastly + entertaining." The chapter on the Shibboleth "Education" is, + thinks the Baron, about the best. Mr. LILLY is a Satirist who, + as GEORGIUS MEREDITHIUS MAGNUS might express it, is, in his + fervour, near a truth, grasps it, and is moved to moral + distinctness, mental intention, with a preference of strong, + plain speech, and a chuck of interjectory quotation over the + crack of his whip, with which tramping active he flicks his + fellows sharply. With which Meredithism concludes</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PREUX CHEVALIER.</h2> + + <p>SIR,—The amazing popularity of the Costermonger Songs + seems to me a significant phenomenon. While no humane person + would deny to the itinerant vendor of comestibles that sympathy + which is accorded to the joys and sorrows of his more refined + fellow-creatures, it is impossible to view without alarm the + hold which his loose and ungrammatical diction is obtaining in + the most cultured <i>salons</i> of to-day. Anxious to minimise + the danger, yet loth to check a sentiment of fraternity so + creditable to our common humanity, I have devised a plan by + which Mr. CHEVALIER's songs may he rendered in such-wise that + while all their deep humanity is preserved, their English is so + elevated as to be innocuous to the nicest sensibility. Permit + me to give, just as a sample, my treatment of that very popular + ballad, known, <i>rubesco referens</i>, as "<i>Knocked 'em in + the Old Kent Road</i>." Not being a singer, I have adopted Mr. + CLIFFORD HARRISON's charming plan of speaking through the music + of the song, and this is how <i>I</i> render the + chorus:—</p> + + <p>"'How is it with you?' was the universal exclamation of the + residents in the vicinity.</p> + + <p>"'With whom, WILLIAM, have you made an appointment?'</p> + + <p>"'Have you, WILLIAM, purchased all the house-property in + this thoroughfare?'</p> + + <p>"Were my risible faculties exercised?—you ask me. Nay. + Indeed I was actually apprehensive of a fatal issue.</p> + + <p>"So striking was the effect produced upon those in the + ancient Cantian highway."</p> + + <p>This, Sir, not only gives the sense, but gives it, I venture + to claim, in a form fit for the apprehension of the most + refined. Judging, too, by the reception it met with at our + recent Penny Readings, I am convinced that Mr. CHEVALIER's + peculiar humour is thoroughly preserved, for, indeed, many of + the audience laughed till I became positively concerned for + their safety.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours faithfully,<br /> + ROBERT BOWDLER SPALDING.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>GOOD NEWS INDEED!</h3> + + <p>That fiendish malefactor, the Influenza Bacillus, has been + caught at last! The peculiarity about him, confound him, is + said to be his "immobility." Ugh! the hard-hearted + infinitesimally microscopic monster! No tears, + short-breathings, sighs, no groans, no sufferings, nothing will + move him. There he remains, untouched, immobile. But there was + one hopeful sign mentioned in the <i>Times</i> of last + Saturday—the Bacillus was found "in chains, and in + strings." Let the chains be the heaviest possible till he can + be tried by a Judge and Jury; and don't resort to "strings" + till the supply of chains has failed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, January 16, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14217-h.htm or 14217-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/2/1/14217/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, January 16, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 30, 2004 [EBook #14217] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +January 16, 1892. + + + + +[Illustration: LES FRANCAIS PEINTS PAR EUX-MEMES (ET ILLUSTRES PAR +NOUS). + +"O JULIETTE!" S'ECRIA OSCAR, EN S'ASSEYANT A COTE D'ELLE SUR LA PIERRE +TUMULAIRE, "EPOUSE DE MON MEILLEUR AMI! JE JURE QUE JE T'ADORE! JE +JURE ICI, SUR LA TOMBE DE MA SAINTE MERE, QUI BENIT NOS AMOURS DE LA +HAUT!"] + + * * * * * + +CABITAL! + +SIR,--The proposal to extend the Cab Radius to five miles from Charing +Cross is good in its way, but it does not go far enough. My idea is +that the cheap cab-fare should include any place in the Home Counties. +Cabmen should also be prevented by law from refusing to take a person, +say, from Piccadilly to St. Albans, on the plea that their horse +"could not do the distance." All assertions of that kind should be +punished as perjury. Cabmen are notoriously untruthful. Why should +not Cab Proprietors, too, be obliged to keep relays of horses at +convenient spots on all the main roads out of Town in case a horse +really proves unequal to going fifteen miles or so into the country, +in addition to a hard day's work in London?--Yours unselfishly, + +_St. Albans_. NORTHWARD HO! + +SIR,--Why _will_ people libel the Suburbs, and keep on describing +them as dull? I am sure that a place which, like the one I write +from, contains a Lawn Tennis Club (entrance into which we keep _very_ +select), a Circulating Library, where all the new books of two +years' back are obtainable without much delay, a couple of handsome +and ascetic young Curates, and a public Park, capable of holding +twenty-six perambulators and as many nursemaids at one and the same +time, can only fitly be described as an Elysium. Still, we _should_ be +grateful for better facilities for getting away from its delights now +and then, and this proposal to extend the Cab Radius has the warmest +support of Yours, + +EASILY SATISFIED. + +SIR,--By all means let us have cheaper Cabs in Greater London! The +County Council should subsidise a lot of Cabs, to ply exclusively +between London and the outskirts. Or why not a Government Cab Purchase +Bill, like the Irish Land Purchase one? We want a special Minister for +Public Locomotion--perhaps Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL would accept the +post? + +Yours, spiritedly, HAMPSTEAD HEATHEN. + + * * * * * + +"HARD TO BEER!" + +(_ADVANCE-SHEET FROM A PROJECTED ANTI-BACCHANALIAN TRAGI-FARCE, TO BE +CALLED "BY ORDER OF THE KAISER."_) + + SCENE--_A Market Place in Berlin._ German Students + _carousing._ Emissary of the Emperor _seated at table apart + watching them. Apprehensive_ Waiters _nervously supplying the + wants of their Customers._ + +_First German Student_. Another flagon of beer, Kellner! + +_Waiter_. Here, Mein Herr! (_Brings glass and, as he places it on the +table, whispers aside._) Oh, beware, my good Lord--this is your second +glass. + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_with a laugh_). I know what I am about! And now, +my friends, I give you a toast--The Liberty of the Fatherland! + +_Chorus of Students_. The Liberty of the Fatherland! [_They all +drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_). Ha! + + [_He makes an entry in his note-book._ + +_First Ger. Stu._ And now fill another glass. Fill, my comrades--I +pray you, fill! Kellner! glasses round--for myself and friends. + +_Kellner_ (_as before--supplying their wants and warning them_). Oh, +my gracious Lord, be careful! Your third glass--mind now, your third +glass; you know the risk you are running! But one false drop and you +are lost! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_as before_). Well, my good friend, be sure you +supply us with no drop that is not good! Ha, ha, ha! Eh, KARL! eh, +CONRAD! eh, HANS! Did you hear my merry jest? + + [_They all laugh._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_as before_). Ha! (_making an entry in his +note-book_). And they laugh at a witless joke! Good! Very good! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_joyously_). And now, my comrades, yet another +toast--The Prosperity of the People! + +_Chorus of Ger. Stu._ (_raising their glasses_). The People! + + [_They all drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_) Ha! + + [_He makes an entry in his note-book._ + +_First Ger. Stu_. And now, a final flagon! Kellner! + +_Kellner_ (_as before_). Oh, high-born customer, beware! This is your +fourth glass! You know the law! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_as before_). That indeed I do! And I also know +that my daily allowance is--or rather was--twelve quarts _per diem_! +And now, comrades, our last toast--The Freedom of the Press! + +_Chorus of Ger. Stu._ (_raising their glasses_). The Freedom of the +Press! + + [_They all drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_). This is too much! (_He rises, and +approaches the Students_.) Your pardon, Gentlemen! But do you really +believe in the toasts you have just drunk? + +_Chorus of Stu._ Why, certainly! + +_Em. of the Emp._ What, in the Liberty of the Fatherland? + +_Chorus of Stu._ To be sure--why not? + +_Em. of the Emp._ And the Prosperity of the People--mind you, only the +People? + +_Chorus of Stu._ Exactly--don't you? + +_Em. of the Emp._ And further. You wish well to the Freedom of the +Press? + +_Chorus of Stu._ That was our toast! What next? + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_producing staff of authority_). That, in the name +of His Majesty, I arrest you! + +_Chorus of Stu._ (_astounded_). Arrest us! Why? + +_Em. of the Emp._ Because, if you believe in the Liberty of the +Fatherland, ask for the Prosperity of the People, and admire the +Freedom of the Press, you must be drunk!--very drunk! In virtue of the +new law (which punishes the crime of intoxication), away with them! + + [_The_ Students _are loaded with chains, and imprisoned, + for an indefinite period, in the lowest dungeon beneath the + castle's moat. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +OUR HUMOROUS COMPOSER.--What Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN said or sung before +deciding on taking a Villa at Turbie, on the Riviera,--"Turbie, or not +Turbie, that is the question." He is now hard at work writing a new +Opera (founded, we believe, on _Cox and Box_), and "I am here," he +says, in his quaint way, "because I don't want to be dis-turbie'd." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "RETURNED EMPTY."] + +_Returned Prodigal sings, to the tune of "Randy Pandy, O!"_:-- + + Well, here I'm back from Mashonaland! + Mine's hardly a proud position. + My ideas in going were vaguely grand, + And--look at my present condition! + + I may cool my heels on this packing-case; + 'Tis a little mite like _me_, Sir! + Say my "candid friends," as they watch my face, + "O.I.C.U.R.M.T., Sir!" + + I'm the prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + Returned to my native landy, oh! + With a big moustache, and but little cash, + Though the latter would come in handy, oh! + Like the nursery Jack-a-dandy, oh! + I may "love plum-cake and candy," oh! + But tarts and toffies, or sweets of office, + Seem not--at present--for GRANDY, oh! + + Well, I chucked them up,--was it _nous_ or _pique_? + _Is_ the prodigal worst of ninnies? + The fatted calf, and the better half + Of his father's love--and guineas,-- + May fall to his share as he homeward lies, + When the husks have lost their flavour. + _My_ calf? Well, it does not greet my eyes, + And I don't yet sniff its savour. + I'm a prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + Retired from Mashona-landy, oh! + I'm left like a laggard. Grim RIDER HAGGARD + (Whose fiction is "blood-and-brandy," oh!) + Says Africa always comes handy, oh! + For "something new." It sounds grandy, oh! + But a telling new plot I'm afraid is _not_ + The fortune of GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + + Did they miss me much? Well, I fancy not; + (Though a few did come to greet me;) + The general verdict's "A very queer lot!" + Nor is SOL in a hurry to meet me. + _He_ does not spy me afar off. No! + He would rather I kept my distance; + And if to the front I again should go, + 'Twon't be with _his_ assistance. + He deems me a troublesome GRANDY, oh' + In political harness not handy, oh! + I am out of a job, while BALFOUR is a nob, + That lank and effeminate dandy, oh! + Well, a prodigal son _may_ be "sandy." oh! + I am off for a soda-and-brandy, oh! + And a "tub" at my Club, where I'm sure of a snub + From the foes of returning GRANDY, oh! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTION." + +_Philistine Wife_. "YOUR PAPER ISN'T AT ALL AMUSING JUST NOW. BUT +THERE, I MUST CONFESS IT IS _NOT_ EASY TO BE EITHER FUNNY OR WITTY +EVERY WEEK." + +_Journalist_ (_much worried_). "NO, MY DEAR, MUCH EASIER TO BE ALWAYS +DULL AND PROSAIC EVERY EVENING." + +[_He was about to add a personal illustration, but as, fortunately, he +didn't, the subject dropped._] + + * * * * * + +THE CROSS-EXAMINER'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question_. Have you a right to ask any question in Court? + +_Answer_. Certainly, and the questioning is left to my discretion. + +_Ques._ What do you understand by discretion? + +_Ans._ An unknown quality defined occasionally by the Press and the +Public. + +_Ques._ Is the definition invariably the same? + +_Ans._ No, for it depends upon the exigencies of the Press and the +frivolity and fickleness of the Public. + +_Ques._ Were you to refrain from questioning a Witness anent his +antecedents, and subsequently those antecedents becoming known, his +evidence were to lose the credence of the papers, what would be said +of you? + +_Ans._ That I had neglected my duty. + +_Ques._ Were you to question a Witness on his past, and, by an +interruption of the trial, that Witness's evidence were consequently +to become superfluous, what would then be said of you? + +_Ans._ That I had exceeded my duty. + +_Ques._ Is it an easy matter to reconcile the interests of your +clients with the requirements of Public Opinion. + +_Ans._ It is a most difficult arrangement, the more especially as +Public Opinion is usually composed of the joint ideas of hundreds of +people who know as much about law as does a bed-post. + +_Ques._ In the eyes of Public Opinion, whose commendation is the most +questionable? + +_Ans._ The commendation of a Judge, because it stands to reason +(according to popular ideas) that a man who knows his subject +thoroughly must be unable to come to any definite decision as to its +merits. + +_Ques._ And in the eyes of the same authority, whose commendation is +the most valuable? + +_Ans._ In the eyes of Public Opinion the most valuable commendation +would come from a man who is absolutely ignorant of everything +connected with a Counsel's practice, but who can amply supply this +possible deficiency by writing a letter to the papers and signing +himself "FAIR PLAY." + +_Ques._ Is there any remedy for setting right any misconception that +may have occurred as to the rights and wrongs of cross-examiners? + +_Ans._ Yes, the Public might learn what the business of a +cross-examiner really is. + +_Ques._ I see, and having done this, can you recommend anything +further? + +_Ans._ Having learned a cross-examiner's business, the Public might +then have time to attend--to its own! + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXIII. + + SCENE--_The Lower Hall of the Scuola di San Rocco, Venice. + British Tourists discovered studying the Tintorets on the + walk and ceiling by the aid of RUSKIN, HARE, and BAEDEKER, + from which they read aloud, instructively, to one another. + Miss PRENDERGAST has brought "The Stones of Venice" for the + benefit of her brother and PODBURY. Long self-repression has + reduced PODBURY to that unpleasantly hysterical condition + known as "a fit of the giggles," which, however, has hitherto + escaped detection._ + +[Illustration: "A Solemn Gentleman, with a troublesome cough, reading +aloud to his Wife."] + +_Miss P._ (_standing opposite "The Flight into Egypt" reading_). "One +of the principal figures here is the Donkey." Where _is_ Mr. PODBURY? +(_To P., who reappears, humbly proffering a tin focussing-case._) +Thanks, but you need not have troubled! "The Donkey ... um--um--never +seen--um--um--any of the nobler animals so sublime as this quiet head +of the domestic ass"--(_here BOB digs PODBURY in the ribs, behind +Miss P.'s back_)--"chiefly owing to the grand motion in the nostril, +and writhing in the ears." (_A spasmodic choke from_ PODBURY.) May I +ask what you find so amusing? + +_Podb._ (_crimson_). I--I _beg_ your pardon--I don't know _what_ I was +laughing at exactly. (_Aside to BOB._) _Will_ you shut up, confound +you! + +_A Stout Lady, close by_ (_reading from HARE_). "The whole symmetry +of it depending on a narrow line of light." (_Dubiously, to her +Daughter._) I don't _quite_--oh yes, I do now--that's it--where +my sunshade is--"the edge of a carpenter's square, which connects +those unused tools" ... h'm--can _you_ make out the "unused tools," +ETHEL? _I_ can't.... But he says--"The Ruined House is the Jewish +Dispensation." Now I should never have found _that_ out for myself. +(_They pass to another canvas._) "TINTORET denies himself all aid +from the features.... No time allowed for watching the expression" ... +(That reminds me--what _is_ the time by your bracelet, darling?) "No +blood, no stabbing, or cutting ... but an awful substitute for these +in the chiaroscuro." (Ah, yes, indeed! Do you see it, love?--in +the right-hand corner?) "So that our eyes"--(_comfortably_)--"seem +to become bloodshot, and strained with strange horror, and deadly +vision." (Not one o'clock, _really_?--and we've to meet Papa outside +Florian's, for lunch at one-thirty! Dear me, we mustn't stay too long +over this room.) + +_A Solemn Gentleman_ (_with a troublesome cough, who is also provided +with HARE, reading aloud to his wife_).... "Further enhanced +by--rook--rook--rook!--a largely-made--rook--ook!--farm-servant, +leaning on a--ork--ork--ork--ork--or--ook!--basket." Shall I--ork!--go +on? + +_His Wife_. Yes, dear, do, _please_! It makes one notice things so +_much_ more! + + [_The Solemn Gentleman goes on._ + +_Miss P._ (_as they reach the staircase_). Now just look at this +Titian, Mr. PODBURY! RUSKIN particularly mentions it. Do note the mean +and petty folds of the drapery, and compare them with those in the +TINTORETS in there. + +_Podb._ (_obediently_). Yes, I will,--a--did you mean _now_--and will +it take me long, because-- + + [_Miss PRENDERGAST sweeps on scornfully._ + +_Podb._ (_following, with a desperate effort to be intelligent_). They +don't seem to have any Fiammingoes here. + +_Miss P._ (_freezingly, over her shoulder_). Any _what_, Mr. PODBURY? +Flamingoes? + +_Podb._ (_confidently, having noted down the name at the Accademia on +his shirt-cuff_). No, "Ignoto Fiammingo," don't you know. I like that +chap's style--what I call thoroughly Venetian. + + [_Well-informed persons in front overhear and smile._ + +_Miss P._ (_annoyed_). That is rather strange--because "Ignoto +Fiammingo" happens to be merely the Italian for "an unknown Fleming," +Mr. PODBURY. [_Collapse of PODBURY._ + +_Bob_. (_aside to PODBURY_). You great owl, you came a cropper _that_ +time! [_He and PODBURY indulge in a subdued bear-fight up the stairs, +after which they enter the Upper Hall in a state of preternatural +solemnity._ + +_The Solemn G._ Now what _I_ want to see, my dear, is the +ork--ork--angel that RUSKIN thinks TINTORETTO painted the day after he +saw a rook--kic--kic--kic--kingfisher. + + [_BOB nudges PODBURY, who resists temptation heroically._ + +_Miss P._ (_reading_).... "the fig-tree which, by a curious caprice, +has golden ribs to all its leaves."--Do you see the ribs, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_feebly_). Y--yes. I _believe_ I do. Think they grew that +sort of fig-tree formerly, or is it--a--_allegorical_? + +_Miss P._ (_receiving this query in crushing silence_). The ceiling +requires careful study. Look at that oblong panel in the centre--with +the fiery serpents, which RUSKIN finely compares to "winged lampreys." +You're not looking in the right way to see them, Mr. PODBURY! + +_Podb._ (_faintly_). I--I did see them--_all_ of them, on my honour I +did! But it gives me such a crick in my neck! + +_Miss P._ Surely TINTORET is worth a crick in the neck. Did you +observe "the intense delight in biting expressed in their eyes?" + +_Bob._ (_frivolously_). _I_ did, 'PATIA--exactly the same look I +observed last night, in a mosquito's eye. + + [_PODBURY has to use his handkerchief violently._ + +_The Stout Lady_. Now, ETHEL, we can just spend ten minutes on the +ceiling--and then we _must_ go. That's evidently JONAH in the small +oval. (_Referring to plan_.) Yes, I thought so,--it _is_ JONAH. RUSKIN +considers "the whale's tongue much too large, unless it is a kind of +crimson cushion for JONAH to kneel upon." Well, why _not_? + +_Ethel_. A cushion, Mother? what, _inside_ the whale! + +_The Stout Lady_. That we are not _told_, my love--"The submissiveness +of Jonah is well given"--So true--but Papa can't bear being kept +waiting for his lunch--we really ought to go now. [_They go._ + +_The Solemn G._ (_reading_). "There comes up out of the mist a dark +hand." Have _you_ got the dark hand yet, my dear? + +_His Wife_. No, dear, only the mist. At least, there's something that +_may_ be a branch; or a _bird_ of some sort. + +_The S.G._ Ha, it's full of suggestion--full of suggestion! + + [_He passes on, coughing._ + +_Miss P._ (_to PODBURY, who is still quivering_). Now notice the end +one--"the Fall of Manna"--not _that_ end; that's "the Fall of _Man_." +RUSKIN points out (_reading_)--"A very sweet incident. Four or five +sheep, instead of pasturing, turn their heads to catch the manna as +it comes down" (_here BOB catches PODBURY's eye_) "or seem to be +licking it off each other's fleeces." (PODBURY _is suddenly convulsed +by inexplicable and untimely mirth._) Really, Mr. PODBURY, this is +_too_ disgraceful! [_She shuts the book sharply and walks away._ + + _Outside; by the landing-steps._ + +_Miss P._ BOB, go on and get the gondola ready. I wish to speak to Mr. +PODBURY. (_To PODBURY, after BOB has withdrawn._) Mr. PODBURY, +I cannot tell you how disgusted and disappointed I feel at your +senseless irreverence. + +_Podb._ (_penitently_). I--I'm really most awfully sorry--but it came +over me suddenly, and I simply couldn't help myself! + +_Miss P._ That is what makes it so very hopeless--after all the pains +I have taken with you! I have been beginning to fear for some time +that you are incorrigible--and to-day is really the _last_ straw! +So it is kinder to let you know at once that you have been tried and +found wanting. I have no alternative but to release you finally from +your vows--I cannot allow you to remain my suitor any longer. + +_Podb._ (_humbly_). I was always afraid I shouldn't last the course, +don't you know. I did my best--but it wasn't _in_ me, I suppose. It +was awfully good of you to put up with me so long. And, I say, you +won't mind our being friends still, will you now? + +_Miss P._ Of course not. I shall always wish you well, Mr. +PODBURY--only I won't trouble you to accompany me to any more +galleries! + +_Podb._ A--thanks. I--I mean, I know I should only be in your way and +all that. And--I'd better say good-bye, Miss PRENDERGAST. You won't +want me in the gondola just now, I'm sure. I can easily get another. + +_Miss P._ Well--good-bye then, Mr. PODBURY. I will explain to BOB. + + [_She steps into the gondola; BOB raises his eyebrows in + mute interrogation at PODBURY, who shakes his head, and + allows the gondola to go without him._ + +_Podb._ (_to himself, as the gondola disappears_). So _that's_ over! +Hanged if I don't think I'm sorry, after all. It will be beastly +lonely without anybody to bully me, and she could be awfully nice when +she chose.... Still it _is_ a relief to have got rid of old TINTORET, +and not to have to bother about BELLINI and CIMA and that lot.... How +that beggar CULCHARD will crow when he hears of it! Shan't tell him +anything--if I can help it.... But the worst of getting the sack +is--people are almost _bound_ to spot you ... I think I'll be off +to-morrow. I've had enough of Venice! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hard-riding Individual_ (_to Friend, whose Horse has +refused with dire results_). "HELLO! CHARLEY, OLD MAN, HOW ARE TURNIPS +LOOKING DOWN IN THAT NEIGHBOURHOOD?"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +In the admirably-compiled columns of "This Morning's News," given +in the _Daily News_, we read with interest a paragraph occasionally +appearing, furnishing information as to prices current in the +Provision Market. We have made arrangements to supply our readers with +something of the same character, which cannot fail to be valued in the +household. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A Pair of 'Eels.] + +From numerous sources of information, we learn that prime English beef +is underdone, which causes rather a run on mutton. _Revenons_, &c., +is the watchword in many households. Poultry flies rather high for +the time of year, and grouse is also up. Grice--why not? plural of +mouse, mice--grice, we say, are growing more absent, and therefore +dearer. Black game is not so darkly hued as it is painted, and a few +transactions in wild duck are reported. Lard is hardening, as usual +in frosty weather. Hares are not so mad as in March, still, on the +approach of a passer-by, they go off rapidly. Rabbits, especially +Welsh ones, are now excellent. As Christmas recedes, geese have +stopped laying golden eggs. Turkey (in Europe, at least) is in high +feather. Brill is now in brilliant condition; soles are right down to +the ground, whilst eels begin to show themselves in pairs. Halibut +is cheap, but sackbut is scarce, and psaltery requires such prolonged +soaking before it is fit for the table, that purchasers fight shy of +anything but small parcels. As for plaice, a large dealer tells us he +has been driven to the conclusion that there is "no plaice like home." + + * * * * * + +We hear of a curious incident in connection with the revival of _Henry +the Eighth_ at the Lyceum. On Saturday night, a gentleman who had +witnessed the play from the Stalls and carefully sat it out, demanded +his money back as he went out. He did so on the ground that he had +always understood that _Henry the Eighth_ was by SHAKSPEARE, and found +it credibly asserted that that gentleman had no part in the authorship +of the piece. Mr. BRAM STOKER, M.A., was called to the assistance +of the box-keeper, and ably discussed the point. Whilst declining to +commit himself to the admission that SHAKSPEARE had no hand in the +work, he quoted authority which assigned the authorship to FLETCHER +and MASSENGER; in which case, he ingeniously argued, the authorship +being dual, the price of the Stalls ought to be doubled. Conversation +taking this turn, the gentleman, whose name did not transpire, +withdrew. + + * * * * * + +Miss JANE COBDEN, ex-Alderman of the London County Council, who has +long pluckily championed Woman's Rights, has now, according to an +announcement in the papers, determined to assert her own, and get +married. _C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas_--Aldermanic. + + * * * * * + +A telegram from Berlin states that Dr. PFEIFFER, a son-in-law of +Professor KOCH, has succeeded in discovering the cause of influenza +and its infection in a bacillus, which, when seen under the +microscope, appears in the shape of a most minute rod. The best thing +that can be done with this rod is to put it in pickle, and keep it +there. + + * * * * * + +It is satisfactory to know that, at the approaching revival of +_Hubando, the Brigand_, the handkerchiefs used by the Brigands in +their famous scene of contrition at the end of the Third Act, are +entirely of British manufacture. We understand that they are from the +looms of Messrs. PUFF AND RECLAME. + + * * * * * + +In the First Act of the same piece, it will be remembered that the +bridal party is captured whole by _Hubando_, disguised as a mendicant, +in the recesses of one of the forests of the Abruzzi. The real +pine-trees, which are to figure in the foreground of this striking +scene, have been grown, with immense labour and expense, in the +well-known nurseries of Messrs. WEEDEM AND POTTER, at Ditchington. +The mendicant's rags, it should be added, are from one of our most +celebrated slop-shops in the Ratcliff Highway. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIUMPH OF ART OVER NATURE. + +_Serious Artist_. "I THINK YOU KNEW THE MODEL FOR THIS FIGURE--POOR +BEGGAR, DEAF AND DUMB." + +_Light-hearted Friend_. "I KNOW,--USED TO SIT AT CORNER OF STREET. +DEAF AND DUMB! BY JOVE, YOU'VE MADE A _SPEAKING_ LIKENESS OF HIM! +WONDERFUL!!"] + + * * * * * + +"THERE'S THE RUB!" + +(_AN OLD STORY WITH A NEW APPLICATION._) + +_Champion Bill-Poster, loquitur_:-- + + "Bill-stickers beware!" Ah! that's all very well, + A wondrously wise, if conventional, warning. + But _I_'m the legitimate "Poster"--a swell + In the paste-pot profession, all "notices" scorning. + A brush surreptitious, and Bills unofficial, + No doubt, are a nuisance to people of taste, + To Order offensive, to Law prejudicial, + But who can object to _my_ pot and _my_ paste? + + 'Tis time that this Poster were up! _Slap-dap-slosh_! + I think it a telling one. Brave, Big, Blue letters! + Some rivals about, but _their_ programmes won't wash; + Those Newcastle noodles must own us their betters. + I'm Champion Bill-Poster! Even Brum JOEY, + Who flouted me once will acknowledge that fact. + My Bills are so goey, and fetching, and showy, + My paste so adhesive, my brush so exact! + + _Slap-slop-slidder-slosh_! There's "stick-phast," if you like. + Bill-sticking like this is an Art, and no error. + Bold letters, brave colour! A poster to strike,-- + Admiration with some, and with some, perhaps, terror. + I wish I quite knew that the former preponderate,-- + That is, _sufficiently_. Mutterings I hear,-- + But there, 'tis a Bill to admire, and to wonder at. + Why, after five seasons' success, should I fear? + + Hist! What is that? Thought I heard a low grunt. + Hope not, I'm sure, for I'm sick of stye-voices + ARTHUR of those, has no doubt, borne the brunt; + Now in a semi-relief he rejoices + Pigs are fit only for styes and nose-ringing. + Never let Irish ones run loose and root, + Rather wish ARTHUR were less sweet on flinging + Pearls before pigs; as well feed 'em on fruit. + + _Hrumph_! There. I thought so! _Hrumph_! _hrumph_! What a pest! + Sure that big brute has his eye on my ladder. + Has ARTHUR loosed him? He thinks he knows best, + But a nasty spill _now_!--nothing well could be sadder + Brutes always rub their broad backs and stiff bristles + Against--anything that comes handy. Oh lor! + How the brute shoulders, and snorts, grunts and whistles! + Off to the gutter, you big Irish boar! + + Not he! He nears me! It _is_ ARTHUR's pet. + Light ladder this; would capsize in a jiffy. + His bristles he'd scrape and his tusks he would whet + Against it, I wish he were drowned in the Liffey! + _Whisht_! Get away! He's so heavy and big. + There! round the ladder he's playing the fooler. + Ah! there's the rub. PATRICK scumfish that Pig! + If he doesn't mean deviltry I'm a--Home Ruler! + [_Left fidgetting._ + + * * * * * + +UNASKED. + + Unasked, the Tax-Collector wild + Presents to smirking MARY his + Demand--on what the Roman styled + "_Kalendis Januariis_." + + Unasked, a Christmas-box to gain, + Sweeps, lamplighters, and postmen come; + Unasked--too often to remain-- + The wife's mammas of most men come. + + Unasked, it looms--that ophicleide + From Germany, with melodies + Whereat the cow of story died; + Whereat a modern fellow dies. + + Unasked, partakes my Christmas cheer, + (Whom oft, my front-door bell at, I've + Surprised, the better much for beer)-- + My Cook's fraternal relative. + + Unasked, my bills appear in shoals, + "_With compliments_" from creditors; + Unasked, in verse I send my soul's + Throbs--with a stamp--to Editors. + + Unasked, that editorial pack + Return my "throbs" in heavy, new, + Crisp envelopes, unstamped, alack! + While I defray the Revenue. + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM's nephew was reading aloud the prospectus of the Clerical, +Medical, and General Life Assurance Society. She was much impressed by +the idea of Clerical Assurance, and expressed herself greatly pleased +at the Ven. Archdeacon FARRAR being one of the Directors. "But what +puzzles me," observed the excellent lady, "is a paragraph headed +'Disposal of the Surplice.' I know that, years ago, there was a +'surplice difficulty.' But I thought that had been disposed of. Or," +she added, brightening up, as if struck by a happy solution of the +difficulty, "does it mean that the Clerical Assurance Society means to +take in washing? Most useful if they do, and so paying." + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF "CHAFF."--The husk of Wit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE'S THE RUB!" + +BILL-POSTER (_uneasily_). "IF THAT PIG DON'T MEAN DEVILTRY, I'M A ---- +SEPARATIST!"] + + * * * * * + +PLAYING OLD HARRY AT THE LYCEUM. + +[Illustration: The Magnetic Lady.] + +"I once did manage to make a cast correctly," writes ANDREW LANG, in +his charming book anent the sport and pastime of fishing, and if ever +HENRY IRVING made a cast to catch the public, it is now, when he uses +as his bait SHAKSPEARE's _Henry the Eighth_, got up in a style which +emphatically "beats the record," so utterly "regardless of expense" is +it, with well-tried, responsible actors, in what may be called minor +parts, though the majority of the _dramatis personae_ are on a fair +dramatic equality, and with Our ELLEN TERRY, as _Queen Katharine_, and +himself as the great Lord Cardinal. + +[Illustration: "Go to," Norfolk and Suffolk!] + +The first difficulty that HENRY IRVING had to face--literally to +face--was that by no sort of art could he make up his features to +be an exact portrait of CARDINAL WOLSEY. Personally, I prefer Mr. +IRVING's picture of WOLSEY to the extant portraits, which concur in +representing him as a heavy, jowly-faced man, who might be taken as +a model for one of GUSTAVE DORE'S eccentric-looking ecclesiastics in +the _Contes Drolatiques_, rather than as the living presentment of the +great Chancellor, Statesman, and Churchman who ruled a cruel, crafty, +sensual tyrant, and successfully guided the policy of England at home +and abroad. HENRY IRVING's _Cardinal_ is a grand figure, courtly, +though somewhat too cringing withal, evidently despising the various +means he uses to further the end he has in view, and looking upon the +Lords, Courtiers and all around him as merely puppets, whose strings +he holds to work them as he will. + +[Illustration: The Cardinal's _Train de Luxe_.] + +Then, after seeing him as Sole Adviser of the Crown, after seeing him +as Highest Judge in the Ecclesiastical Divorce Court in such splendid +state as our Judge JEUNE may eye with envy, after seeing him in his +own Palace, most courteous as Grand Master and liberal Provider of +Right Royal Revels, he is exhibited to us in the deserted Hall, a +spectacle for gods and men (that is, shown to the Gallery and the rest +of the audience), the single figure of the Great Cardinal, fallen from +his high estate; and to him, in place of all his princely retinue, +comes his one faithful servant, CROMWELL, supporting his dying master, +for dying he is, as he staggers feebly from the Palace at Bridewell. +It is difficult to call to mind any situation in any play more +genuinely affecting in its simplicity than this. The audience is +held spell-bound,--yet, for my part, I should have welcomed a greater +variety in tone and action. + +[Illustration: Ellen Terry as Kate.] + +Miss ELLEN TERRY's _Queen Katharine_ is a "very woman." You can see +how she has caught the King, and how she still holds him. She loves +him, actually loves him, to the last to respect him is impossible, but +she respects herself; and it is just this love for him, for what he +was, not what he is, and her respect for herself, which Miss ELLEN +TERRY marks so forcibly. _Katharine_ is a foreigner, therefore is +her bearing, though stately, less stolid than that of the typical +English Tragedy Queen. The note of her dying scene, so striking by +its simplicity, is its perfect tranquillity. Who's _Griffith_? Why +the veteran HOWE (ah, Howe, When and Where did I first see you, +Sir? Wasn't it in the days when good old Mortonian farces were the +attraction at the Haymarket?) is "_the_ safe man," and excellently +well did he deliver his epitaph on _Wolsey_. But all are good, not +forgetting our old friend the sterling, that is the ARTHUR STIRLING +actor as _Cranmer_, and the youthful GILLIE FARQUHAR, unrecognisable +as _Lord Sands_, looking as ancient as if he were The Sands of Time. + +This revival is bound to have a long--it may be an unprecedentedly +long--run. All of us dearly love a show. Moreover, 'tis educational; +and the School Board should issue an Examination-paper on the history +of HENRY THE EIGHTH and his times as exemplified by Mr. IRVING & CO. +at the Lyceum. + +JACK-IN-THE-BOX. + +P.S.--The cost of production of _Henry the Eighth_ at the Lyceum was +L250,000 3s. 63/4d. Mr. IRVING's nightly expenses are L10,999 2s. 51/2d. I +thought it had been more, but the above information comes to me from +a person whose veracity I should not like to question, except with the +boundless sea between us. + + * * * * * + +CON. FOR THE C.O.S.--When SHAKSPEARE said, "The quality of mercy is +not strained," did he mean that it was not strained through a Charity +Organisation Society? + + * * * * * + +"READING between the Lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a +Train coming. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKETCHES IN THE SADDLE BY OUR SPECIAL SPORTING ARTIST +ON THE SPOT.] + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +I.--GOLF. + +The Fairies who came to my Christening provided me with a large +collection of toys, implements, and other articles. There was a heart, +a tender one, a pen of gold, a set of Golf-clubs, a bat, wickets, and +a ball, oars and a boat, boxing gloves, foils, guns, rifles, books, +everything, except ready money, that heart could desire. Unluckily +one Fairy, who was old, deaf, plain, and who had not been invited, +observed, "It is all very well, my child, but not one of these +articles shall you be able to use satisfactorily." This awful curse +has hung heavy on my doom. With a restless desire to shine and excel, +at Lord's, on the river, on the Moors, in the forests, in Society, +on the Links, bitter personal experience and the remarks of candid +friends, tell me that the doom has come upon me. I am "an all-round +Duffer," as my youngest nephew, _aetat._ XI., freely informed me, when +I served twice out of court (once into the conservatory, the other +time through the study window). I was a Duffer at marbles, also +at tops, and my personal efforts in these kinds were constantly in +liquidation. But what are marbles and tops! The first regular game I +was entered at was Golf. Five is not too early to begin, and I began +at five by being knocked down with a club which another small boy was +brandishing. This naturally gave me an extreme zeal for the sport +of MARY STUART, the Great Marquis of MONTROSE, CHARLES EDWARD (who +introduced Golf into Italy), DUNCAN FORBES of Culloden, Mr. HORACE +HUTCHINSON, and other eminent historical characters. + +[Illustration] + +Almost everybody now knows that Golf is not Hockey. Nobody _runs_ +after the ball except young ladies at W--m--n! The object is to put +a very small ball into a very tiny and remotely distant hole, with +engines singularly ill adapted for the purpose. There are many +engines. First there is the Driver, a long club, wherewith the ball +is supposed to be propelled from the tee, a little patch of sand. +The Tee and the Caddie have nothing to do with each other; nobody +but a flippant Cockney sees any fun in plays upon words which, in +themselves, are only too serious. Then there is a weapon called a +Brassey. It is like unto a club, but is shod with brass, and is used +for hitting a ball in "a bad lie" among long grass or heather. A small +tomahawk, styled a Cleek, is employed when you don't know what else to +play with. The same remark applies to an Iron, which is very good for +missing the ball with, also for hitting to square leg when you meant +to go straight. A "Mashy" is a smaller "iron." The skilful use these +when the ball lies in sand, in gorse, or when they wish to make the +ball soar for a short distance and then fall dead. A Putter is a short +thickish club used for jogging the ball into the hole with. There are +plenty of other kinds of clubs, also spoons, but _these_ are enough to +break the heart of any Duffer. + +I am an old player, of forty years' standing, but, like _Parolles_ I +was "made for every man to breathe himself on." When my form is espied +near the links, the players shirk off as if I were a leper. They are +afraid I may want to make a match with them, and there is no falsehood +from which they will shrink, in their desire to escape me. Even +Ladies,--but this is a delicate theme. Beginners breathe themselves on +me, and give me odds after two or three engagements. + +Yet I don't know why I am so bad. True, I am short-sighted, never see +the flag at the hole, play in the wrong direction, and talk a good +deal on topics of academic interest during the round. The Golfer's +mind should be a blank, and generally is "blank enough," like _Sir +Tor's_ shield. My mind is, perhaps, too active--that may be what +is the matter with me. It is the same thing at whist--but of this +hereafter. My Caddie, or arm-bearer, has his own views about the +causes of my incompetence. + +"Ye're no standing richt. Ye haud yer hands wrang. Ye tak' yer ee off +the ba'. Ye're ower quick up. Ye're ower slow doun. Ye dinna swing. +Ye fa' back. Ye haud ower ticht wi' yer richt hand. Ye dinna let your +arms gang easy. Ye whiles tap, and whiles slice, and whiles heel, or +ye hit her aff the tae. Ye're hooking her. Ye're no thinking o' what +ye're doing. Ye'll never be a Gowfer. Lord! ony man can lairn Greek, +but Gowf needs a heid." + +Here are fifteen ways of going wrong, and there is only one way of +going right! Fifteen things to think of, every time you take a driver +in hand. And, remember, that is not nearly all. These fifteen fatal +errors apply to long driving. You may (or at least _I_ may, and do) +make plenty of other blunders with the other weapons. Say the ball +lies in sand--"a bunker," technically. If you hit it whack on the top, +it disappears in a foot-mark. If you "tak' plenty o' sand," why, you +_get_ plenty of sand in your mouth, your eyes, down the back of your +neck, and the ball is no forwarder. If you strike her quite clean, +she goes like a bullet against the face of the bunker, soars in the +air, falls on your head, and you lose the hole! Oh, Golf is full of +bitterness! + +Suppose we play a round. The ball is neatly "tee'd" on a patch of +sand. I approach, I shuffle with my feet for a secure footing, I +waggle my club in an airy manner. Then I take it up and whack it down. +A variety of things _may_ occur. I may smite the top of the hall, when +it runs on for twenty yards and lies in a rut on the road. I may hit +her on the heel of the club, when she spins, with much "cut" on, into +the sea. I may hit her with the toe of the club, when she soars to +square leg, and perhaps breaks a window. I used to try running in at +the ball, as if it were a half-volley at Cricket, but that way lies +madness. However, suppose that, in a lucid interval (as will happen), +I hit her clean. She soars away, and falls within forty yards of a +meandering burn. The hole, the haven where one would be, is beyond the +burn. + +I seize a cleek or an iron, it turns in my hand, cuts up the turf, and +the ball rolls half a dozen feet. My opponent has crossed the burn. +I try again; a fearful misdirected shot; the ball soars over the +burn and lands in a road behind the hole. There is no hitting out of +this road, or, if one does hit a desperate blow, the ball lands in +an eccentric sand-hole, called the Scholar's Bunker. We start for +the next hole. _Meme jeu!_ Now we are in the gorse, now among the +Station Master's potatoes, now in the railway, where all hope may be +abandoned, now in bunkers many, now missing the ball altogether, when +you feel as if your arms had flown off. As for "putting" the short +strokes on the green, near the hole, if I hit sharp, the ball runs +over the hole yards and yards beyond, or if I hit mild, it stops with +an air of plaintive resignation, after dribbling for a foot or two. +And the worst of it is that, sometimes, you will play as well as +another for half-a-dozen holes. Then one thinks one has The Secret! +But it falls from us, vanishes, we are topping and slicing, and +heeling, and missing again as sorrily as ever. + +The beauty of Golf is that there are so many ways of going wrong, and +so many things to think of. A person of very moderately active mind +has his ideas diverted by the landscape, the sea, the blossom on the +gorse, the larks singing overhead, not to mention the whole system +of the universe. He forgets to keep his eye on the ball, in devoting +his energy to holding tight with his left, and being slow up. Or +he remembers to keep his eye on the ball, and forgets the other +essentials. Then an awful moment comes when he loses his temper. +Thereby all is lost, honour (not to mention "the honour,") and +everything. People in front, old people, are so provoking. They potter +tardily along, pass ten minutes in considering a putt, shout and swear +if you hit into them, and are not pleased if you sit down and smoke +while you wait. The only entity that I don't lose my temper with is my +partner. The worse he plays, the better am I pleased to have a brother +in adversity. The subjective Golfer, however, is certainly a bore. He +is "put off" by every simple circumstance, by his opponent wearing an +unbecoming cap and the like. Afterwards, he will hold forth for hours +on all his sorrows and all the sins of others. The Duffer is more +modest and less apologetic. He is kept always playing (as I said) +by the diabolical circumstance that he has lucid intervals, though +rarely, when he plays like other people for three or four holes. +I once, myself did the long hole in--but never mind. Nobody would +believe me. The most amiable of Duffers was he who, after ten strokes +in a bunker, cut his ball into three parts. "I am bringing it out," he +said, "in penny numbers." + +The born Duffer, I speak feelingly, is incurable. No amount of odds +will put him on the level even of Scotch Professors. For the learned +have divided Golf into several categories. There is Professional +Golf, the best Amateur Golf, Enthusiasts' Golf, Golf, Beginners' +Golf, Ladies' Golf, Infant Golf, Parlour Golf, the Golf of Scotch +Professors. But the true Duffer's Golf is far, far below that. A +Duffer like me is too bad for hanging. He should be condemned to play +for life at Chorley Wood, or to bush-whack at Bungay. + + * * * * * + +FREE AND EASY THEATRES.--We have no sympathy whatever with the idea of +a Theatre Libre or with a Free-and-Easy Theatre, but we shall be very +glad when all Theatres are made Easy, Easy, that is, as to sitting +accommodation, and Easy of egress and ingress. But if the space is +to be enlarged, will not the prices have to be enlarged too? 'Tis +a problem in the discussion of which _The Players_, which is a new +journal, solely devoted to things Dramatic and Theatrical, would find +congenial employment. + + * * * * * + +VENICE AT OLYMPIA. + + ["The water in the canals is two feet in depth, and is kept at + a temperature of sixty degrees." + +_Vide the Press on "Venice at Olympia."_] + +[Illustration] + + O Jane, thou jewel of my heart-- + Thou object of my hopeless passion, + Though Fate decrees that we must part, + I'll leave thee in some novel fashion! + I will not do as others do + When cheated of prospective bridal, + And quit the Bridge of Waterloo + With header swift and suicidal. + + I will not seek--as others seek-- + Some public-house in mean and _low_ street, + And drink--till haled before the Beak + Who patiently presides at Bow Street. + I will not throw--as others throw-- + My manly form, without compunction, + Before the frequent trains that go + At lightning speed through Clapham Junction. + + For though my spirit seeks escape + From all the carking cares that vex it, + I will not plunge thee into crape + By any ordinary exit: + So when--in slang--I "take my hook," + Detesting all that's mean and skimpy, a + Reserved and numbered seat I'll book, + And hie to Venice at Olympia. + + I'll see the Show that draws the town-- + Its pageantry delight affording-- + As per the details noted down + Where posters flame on every hoarding; + And then the sixpence I will pay, + Which in my pocket now I'm fondling, + And try upon the water-way + The new experience of gondling. + + I know that death will seem delight + When in the gondola I'm seated, + For up to sixty Fahrenheit + The Grand Canal is nicely heated; + So--sick of life's incessant storm, + Impatient of its kicks and pinches-- + I'll plunge within the water warm, + And drown--in four-and-twenty inches! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +After copious draughts of novels and romances which, the morning +after, leave the literary palate as dry as a lime-kiln, or as Mrs. RAM +would say, "as a lamb-kin," the Baron, thirsting for a more satisfying +beverage, took up a volume, which he may fairly describe as a youthful +quarto, or an imperial pinto, coming from the CHAPMAN AND HALL +cellars, that is, book-sellers, entitled _On Shibboleths_, and written +by W.S. LILLY. In a recent trial it came out that Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH +is the accredited and professional reader for Messrs. CHAPMAN AND +HALL. Is it possible that this eminent philosophical Novelist is +indebted to a quiet perusal of _Shibboleths_ for some of the quaint +philosophical touches not to be read off schoolboywise, with hurried +ellipses, blurting lips, and unintelligent brain, if any, which make +_One of Our Conquerors_ and others, worth perusal? Be this as it may, +which is a convenient shibbolethian formula, the Baron read this book, +and enjoyed it muchly. There is an occasional dig into the Huxleian +anatomy, given with all the politeness of a Louis-the-Fifteenthian +"M.A.," otherwise _Maitre d'Armes_, and a passing reference to "The +People's WILLIAM" and the carrying out of the People's will--which is +quite another affair,--all, to quote Sir PETER, "vastly entertaining." +The chapter on the Shibboleth "Education" is, thinks the Baron, about +the best. Mr. LILLY is a Satirist who, as GEORGIUS MEREDITHIUS MAGNUS +might express it, is, in his fervour, near a truth, grasps it, and is +moved to moral distinctness, mental intention, with a preference of +strong, plain speech, and a chuck of interjectory quotation over the +crack of his whip, with which tramping active he flicks his fellows +sharply. With which Meredithism concludes + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +PREUX CHEVALIER. + +SIR,--The amazing popularity of the Costermonger Songs seems to me +a significant phenomenon. While no humane person would deny to the +itinerant vendor of comestibles that sympathy which is accorded +to the joys and sorrows of his more refined fellow-creatures, it +is impossible to view without alarm the hold which his loose and +ungrammatical diction is obtaining in the most cultured _salons_ of +to-day. Anxious to minimise the danger, yet loth to check a sentiment +of fraternity so creditable to our common humanity, I have devised +a plan by which Mr. CHEVALIER's songs may he rendered in such-wise +that while all their deep humanity is preserved, their English is so +elevated as to be innocuous to the nicest sensibility. Permit me to +give, just as a sample, my treatment of that very popular ballad, +known, _rubesco referens_, as "_Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road_." +Not being a singer, I have adopted Mr. CLIFFORD HARRISON's charming +plan of speaking through the music of the song, and this is how _I_ +render the chorus:-- + +"'How is it with you?' was the universal exclamation of the residents +in the vicinity. + +"'With whom, WILLIAM, have you made an appointment?' + +"'Have you, WILLIAM, purchased all the house-property in this +thoroughfare?' + +"Were my risible faculties exercised?--you ask me. Nay. Indeed I was +actually apprehensive of a fatal issue. + +"So striking was the effect produced upon those in the ancient Cantian +highway." + +This, Sir, not only gives the sense, but gives it, I venture to claim, +in a form fit for the apprehension of the most refined. Judging, +too, by the reception it met with at our recent Penny Readings, I +am convinced that Mr. CHEVALIER's peculiar humour is thoroughly +preserved, for, indeed, many of the audience laughed till I became +positively concerned for their safety. + +Yours faithfully, ROBERT BOWDLER SPALDING. + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS INDEED! + +That fiendish malefactor, the Influenza Bacillus, has been caught +at last! The peculiarity about him, confound him, is said to be +his "immobility." Ugh! the hard-hearted infinitesimally microscopic +monster! No tears, short-breathings, sighs, no groans, no sufferings, +nothing will move him. There he remains, untouched, immobile. +But there was one hopeful sign mentioned in the _Times_ of last +Saturday--the Bacillus was found "in chains, and in strings." Let the +chains be the heaviest possible till he can be tried by a Judge and +Jury; and don't resort to "strings" till the supply of chains has +failed. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, January 16, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14217.txt or 14217.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/2/1/14217/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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