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diff --git a/14217-0.txt b/14217-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..428fe7b --- /dev/null +++ b/14217-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1172 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14217 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +January 16, 1892. + + + + +[Illustration: LES FRANCAIS PEINTS PAR EUX-MÊMES (ET ILLUSTRÊS PAR +NOUS). + +"O JULIETTE!" S'ÉCRIA OSCAR, EN S'ASSEYANT À COTÉ D'ELLE SUR LA PIERRE +TUMULAIRE, "ÉPOUSE DE MON MEILLEUR AMI! JE JURE QUE JE T'ADORE! JE +JURE ICI, SUR LA TOMBE DE MA SAINTE MÈRE, QUI BÉNIT NOS AMOURS DE LÀ +HAUT!"] + + * * * * * + +CABITAL! + +SIR,--The proposal to extend the Cab Radius to five miles from Charing +Cross is good in its way, but it does not go far enough. My idea is +that the cheap cab-fare should include any place in the Home Counties. +Cabmen should also be prevented by law from refusing to take a person, +say, from Piccadilly to St. Albans, on the plea that their horse +"could not do the distance." All assertions of that kind should be +punished as perjury. Cabmen are notoriously untruthful. Why should +not Cab Proprietors, too, be obliged to keep relays of horses at +convenient spots on all the main roads out of Town in case a horse +really proves unequal to going fifteen miles or so into the country, +in addition to a hard day's work in London?--Yours unselfishly, + +_St. Albans_. NORTHWARD HO! + +SIR,--Why _will_ people libel the Suburbs, and keep on describing +them as dull? I am sure that a place which, like the one I write +from, contains a Lawn Tennis Club (entrance into which we keep _very_ +select), a Circulating Library, where all the new books of two +years' back are obtainable without much delay, a couple of handsome +and ascetic young Curates, and a public Park, capable of holding +twenty-six perambulators and as many nursemaids at one and the same +time, can only fitly be described as an Elysium. Still, we _should_ be +grateful for better facilities for getting away from its delights now +and then, and this proposal to extend the Cab Radius has the warmest +support of Yours, + +EASILY SATISFIED. + +SIR,--By all means let us have cheaper Cabs in Greater London! The +County Council should subsidise a lot of Cabs, to ply exclusively +between London and the outskirts. Or why not a Government Cab Purchase +Bill, like the Irish Land Purchase one? We want a special Minister for +Public Locomotion--perhaps Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL would accept the +post? + +Yours, spiritedly, HAMPSTEAD HEATHEN. + + * * * * * + +"HARD TO BEER!" + +(_ADVANCE-SHEET FROM A PROJECTED ANTI-BACCHANALIAN TRAGI-FARCE, TO BE +CALLED "BY ORDER OF THE KAISER."_) + + SCENE--_A Market Place in Berlin._ German Students + _carousing._ Emissary of the Emperor _seated at table apart + watching them. Apprehensive_ Waiters _nervously supplying the + wants of their Customers._ + +_First German Student_. Another flagon of beer, Kellner! + +_Waiter_. Here, Mein Herr! (_Brings glass and, as he places it on the +table, whispers aside._) Oh, beware, my good Lord--this is your second +glass. + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_with a laugh_). I know what I am about! And now, +my friends, I give you a toast--The Liberty of the Fatherland! + +_Chorus of Students_. The Liberty of the Fatherland! [_They all +drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_). Ha! + + [_He makes an entry in his note-book._ + +_First Ger. Stu._ And now fill another glass. Fill, my comrades--I +pray you, fill! Kellner! glasses round--for myself and friends. + +_Kellner_ (_as before--supplying their wants and warning them_). Oh, +my gracious Lord, be careful! Your third glass--mind now, your third +glass; you know the risk you are running! But one false drop and you +are lost! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_as before_). Well, my good friend, be sure you +supply us with no drop that is not good! Ha, ha, ha! Eh, KARL! eh, +CONRAD! eh, HANS! Did you hear my merry jest? + + [_They all laugh._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_as before_). Ha! (_making an entry in his +note-book_). And they laugh at a witless joke! Good! Very good! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_joyously_). And now, my comrades, yet another +toast--The Prosperity of the People! + +_Chorus of Ger. Stu._ (_raising their glasses_). The People! + + [_They all drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_) Ha! + + [_He makes an entry in his note-book._ + +_First Ger. Stu_. And now, a final flagon! Kellner! + +_Kellner_ (_as before_). Oh, high-born customer, beware! This is your +fourth glass! You know the law! + +_First Ger. Stu._ (_as before_). That indeed I do! And I also know +that my daily allowance is--or rather was--twelve quarts _per diem_! +And now, comrades, our last toast--The Freedom of the Press! + +_Chorus of Ger. Stu._ (_raising their glasses_). The Freedom of the +Press! + + [_They all drink._ + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_apart_). This is too much! (_He rises, and +approaches the Students_.) Your pardon, Gentlemen! But do you really +believe in the toasts you have just drunk? + +_Chorus of Stu._ Why, certainly! + +_Em. of the Emp._ What, in the Liberty of the Fatherland? + +_Chorus of Stu._ To be sure--why not? + +_Em. of the Emp._ And the Prosperity of the People--mind you, only the +People? + +_Chorus of Stu._ Exactly--don't you? + +_Em. of the Emp._ And further. You wish well to the Freedom of the +Press? + +_Chorus of Stu._ That was our toast! What next? + +_Em. of the Emp._ (_producing staff of authority_). That, in the name +of His Majesty, I arrest you! + +_Chorus of Stu._ (_astounded_). Arrest us! Why? + +_Em. of the Emp._ Because, if you believe in the Liberty of the +Fatherland, ask for the Prosperity of the People, and admire the +Freedom of the Press, you must be drunk!--very drunk! In virtue of the +new law (which punishes the crime of intoxication), away with them! + + [_The_ Students _are loaded with chains, and imprisoned, + for an indefinite period, in the lowest dungeon beneath the + castle's moat. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +OUR HUMOROUS COMPOSER.--What Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN said or sung before +deciding on taking a Villa at Turbie, on the Riviera,--"Turbie, or not +Turbie, that is the question." He is now hard at work writing a new +Opera (founded, we believe, on _Cox and Box_), and "I am here," he +says, in his quaint way, "because I don't want to be dis-turbie'd." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "RETURNED EMPTY."] + +_Returned Prodigal sings, to the tune of "Randy Pandy, O!"_:-- + + Well, here I'm back from Mashonaland! + Mine's hardly a proud position. + My ideas in going were vaguely grand, + And--look at my present condition! + + I may cool my heels on this packing-case; + 'Tis a little mite like _me_, Sir! + Say my "candid friends," as they watch my face, + "O.I.C.U.R.M.T., Sir!" + + I'm the prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + Returned to my native landy, oh! + With a big moustache, and but little cash, + Though the latter would come in handy, oh! + Like the nursery Jack-a-dandy, oh! + I may "love plum-cake and candy," oh! + But tarts and toffies, or sweets of office, + Seem not--at present--for GRANDY, oh! + + Well, I chucked them up,--was it _nous_ or _pique_? + _Is_ the prodigal worst of ninnies? + The fatted calf, and the better half + Of his father's love--and guineas,-- + May fall to his share as he homeward lies, + When the husks have lost their flavour. + _My_ calf? Well, it does not greet my eyes, + And I don't yet sniff its savour. + I'm a prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + Retired from Mashona-landy, oh! + I'm left like a laggard. Grim RIDER HAGGARD + (Whose fiction is "blood-and-brandy," oh!) + Says Africa always comes handy, oh! + For "something new." It sounds grandy, oh! + But a telling new plot I'm afraid is _not_ + The fortune of GRANDY-PANDY, oh! + + Did they miss me much? Well, I fancy not; + (Though a few did come to greet me;) + The general verdict's "A very queer lot!" + Nor is SOL in a hurry to meet me. + _He_ does not spy me afar off. No! + He would rather I kept my distance; + And if to the front I again should go, + 'Twon't be with _his_ assistance. + He deems me a troublesome GRANDY, oh' + In political harness not handy, oh! + I am out of a job, while BALFOUR is a nob, + That lank and effeminate dandy, oh! + Well, a prodigal son _may_ be "sandy." oh! + I am off for a soda-and-brandy, oh! + And a "tub" at my Club, where I'm sure of a snub + From the foes of returning GRANDY, oh! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTION." + +_Philistine Wife_. "YOUR PAPER ISN'T AT ALL AMUSING JUST NOW. BUT +THERE, I MUST CONFESS IT IS _NOT_ EASY TO BE EITHER FUNNY OR WITTY +EVERY WEEK." + +_Journalist_ (_much worried_). "NO, MY DEAR, MUCH EASIER TO BE ALWAYS +DULL AND PROSAIC EVERY EVENING." + +[_He was about to add a personal illustration, but as, fortunately, he +didn't, the subject dropped._] + + * * * * * + +THE CROSS-EXAMINER'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question_. Have you a right to ask any question in Court? + +_Answer_. Certainly, and the questioning is left to my discretion. + +_Ques._ What do you understand by discretion? + +_Ans._ An unknown quality defined occasionally by the Press and the +Public. + +_Ques._ Is the definition invariably the same? + +_Ans._ No, for it depends upon the exigencies of the Press and the +frivolity and fickleness of the Public. + +_Ques._ Were you to refrain from questioning a Witness anent his +antecedents, and subsequently those antecedents becoming known, his +evidence were to lose the credence of the papers, what would be said +of you? + +_Ans._ That I had neglected my duty. + +_Ques._ Were you to question a Witness on his past, and, by an +interruption of the trial, that Witness's evidence were consequently +to become superfluous, what would then be said of you? + +_Ans._ That I had exceeded my duty. + +_Ques._ Is it an easy matter to reconcile the interests of your +clients with the requirements of Public Opinion. + +_Ans._ It is a most difficult arrangement, the more especially as +Public Opinion is usually composed of the joint ideas of hundreds of +people who know as much about law as does a bed-post. + +_Ques._ In the eyes of Public Opinion, whose commendation is the most +questionable? + +_Ans._ The commendation of a Judge, because it stands to reason +(according to popular ideas) that a man who knows his subject +thoroughly must be unable to come to any definite decision as to its +merits. + +_Ques._ And in the eyes of the same authority, whose commendation is +the most valuable? + +_Ans._ In the eyes of Public Opinion the most valuable commendation +would come from a man who is absolutely ignorant of everything +connected with a Counsel's practice, but who can amply supply this +possible deficiency by writing a letter to the papers and signing +himself "FAIR PLAY." + +_Ques._ Is there any remedy for setting right any misconception that +may have occurred as to the rights and wrongs of cross-examiners? + +_Ans._ Yes, the Public might learn what the business of a +cross-examiner really is. + +_Ques._ I see, and having done this, can you recommend anything +further? + +_Ans._ Having learned a cross-examiner's business, the Public might +then have time to attend--to its own! + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXIII. + + SCENE--_The Lower Hall of the Scuola di San Rocco, Venice. + British Tourists discovered studying the Tintorets on the + walk and ceiling by the aid of RUSKIN, HARE, and BÆDEKER, + from which they read aloud, instructively, to one another. + Miss PRENDERGAST has brought "The Stones of Venice" for the + benefit of her brother and PODBURY. Long self-repression has + reduced PODBURY to that unpleasantly hysterical condition + known as "a fit of the giggles," which, however, has hitherto + escaped detection._ + +[Illustration: "A Solemn Gentleman, with a troublesome cough, reading +aloud to his Wife."] + +_Miss P._ (_standing opposite "The Flight into Egypt" reading_). "One +of the principal figures here is the Donkey." Where _is_ Mr. PODBURY? +(_To P., who reappears, humbly proffering a tin focussing-case._) +Thanks, but you need not have troubled! "The Donkey ... um--um--never +seen--um--um--any of the nobler animals so sublime as this quiet head +of the domestic ass"--(_here BOB digs PODBURY in the ribs, behind +Miss P.'s back_)--"chiefly owing to the grand motion in the nostril, +and writhing in the ears." (_A spasmodic choke from_ PODBURY.) May I +ask what you find so amusing? + +_Podb._ (_crimson_). I--I _beg_ your pardon--I don't know _what_ I was +laughing at exactly. (_Aside to BOB._) _Will_ you shut up, confound +you! + +_A Stout Lady, close by_ (_reading from HARE_). "The whole symmetry +of it depending on a narrow line of light." (_Dubiously, to her +Daughter._) I don't _quite_--oh yes, I do now--that's it--where +my sunshade is--"the edge of a carpenter's square, which connects +those unused tools" ... h'm--can _you_ make out the "unused tools," +ETHEL? _I_ can't.... But he says--"The Ruined House is the Jewish +Dispensation." Now I should never have found _that_ out for myself. +(_They pass to another canvas._) "TINTORET denies himself all aid +from the features.... No time allowed for watching the expression" ... +(That reminds me--what _is_ the time by your bracelet, darling?) "No +blood, no stabbing, or cutting ... but an awful substitute for these +in the chiaroscuro." (Ah, yes, indeed! Do you see it, love?--in +the right-hand corner?) "So that our eyes"--(_comfortably_)--"seem +to become bloodshot, and strained with strange horror, and deadly +vision." (Not one o'clock, _really_?--and we've to meet Papa outside +Florian's, for lunch at one-thirty! Dear me, we mustn't stay too long +over this room.) + +_A Solemn Gentleman_ (_with a troublesome cough, who is also provided +with HARE, reading aloud to his wife_).... "Further enhanced +by--rook--rook--rook!--a largely-made--rook--ook!--farm-servant, +leaning on a--ork--ork--ork--ork--or--ook!--basket." Shall I--ork!--go +on? + +_His Wife_. Yes, dear, do, _please_! It makes one notice things so +_much_ more! + + [_The Solemn Gentleman goes on._ + +_Miss P._ (_as they reach the staircase_). Now just look at this +Titian, Mr. PODBURY! RUSKIN particularly mentions it. Do note the mean +and petty folds of the drapery, and compare them with those in the +TINTORETS in there. + +_Podb._ (_obediently_). Yes, I will,--a--did you mean _now_--and will +it take me long, because-- + + [_Miss PRENDERGAST sweeps on scornfully._ + +_Podb._ (_following, with a desperate effort to be intelligent_). They +don't seem to have any Fiammingoes here. + +_Miss P._ (_freezingly, over her shoulder_). Any _what_, Mr. PODBURY? +Flamingoes? + +_Podb._ (_confidently, having noted down the name at the Accademia on +his shirt-cuff_). No, "Ignoto Fiammingo," don't you know. I like that +chap's style--what I call thoroughly Venetian. + + [_Well-informed persons in front overhear and smile._ + +_Miss P._ (_annoyed_). That is rather strange--because "Ignoto +Fiammingo" happens to be merely the Italian for "an unknown Fleming," +Mr. PODBURY. [_Collapse of PODBURY._ + +_Bob_. (_aside to PODBURY_). You great owl, you came a cropper _that_ +time! [_He and PODBURY indulge in a subdued bear-fight up the stairs, +after which they enter the Upper Hall in a state of preternatural +solemnity._ + +_The Solemn G._ Now what _I_ want to see, my dear, is the +ork--ork--angel that RUSKIN thinks TINTORETTO painted the day after he +saw a rook--kic--kic--kic--kingfisher. + + [_BOB nudges PODBURY, who resists temptation heroically._ + +_Miss P._ (_reading_).... "the fig-tree which, by a curious caprice, +has golden ribs to all its leaves."--Do you see the ribs, Mr. PODBURY. + +_Podb._ (_feebly_). Y--yes. I _believe_ I do. Think they grew that +sort of fig-tree formerly, or is it--a--_allegorical_? + +_Miss P._ (_receiving this query in crushing silence_). The ceiling +requires careful study. Look at that oblong panel in the centre--with +the fiery serpents, which RUSKIN finely compares to "winged lampreys." +You're not looking in the right way to see them, Mr. PODBURY! + +_Podb._ (_faintly_). I--I did see them--_all_ of them, on my honour I +did! But it gives me such a crick in my neck! + +_Miss P._ Surely TINTORET is worth a crick in the neck. Did you +observe "the intense delight in biting expressed in their eyes?" + +_Bob._ (_frivolously_). _I_ did, 'PATIA--exactly the same look I +observed last night, in a mosquito's eye. + + [_PODBURY has to use his handkerchief violently._ + +_The Stout Lady_. Now, ETHEL, we can just spend ten minutes on the +ceiling--and then we _must_ go. That's evidently JONAH in the small +oval. (_Referring to plan_.) Yes, I thought so,--it _is_ JONAH. RUSKIN +considers "the whale's tongue much too large, unless it is a kind of +crimson cushion for JONAH to kneel upon." Well, why _not_? + +_Ethel_. A cushion, Mother? what, _inside_ the whale! + +_The Stout Lady_. That we are not _told_, my love--"The submissiveness +of Jonah is well given"--So true--but Papa can't bear being kept +waiting for his lunch--we really ought to go now. [_They go._ + +_The Solemn G._ (_reading_). "There comes up out of the mist a dark +hand." Have _you_ got the dark hand yet, my dear? + +_His Wife_. No, dear, only the mist. At least, there's something that +_may_ be a branch; or a _bird_ of some sort. + +_The S.G._ Ha, it's full of suggestion--full of suggestion! + + [_He passes on, coughing._ + +_Miss P._ (_to PODBURY, who is still quivering_). Now notice the end +one--"the Fall of Manna"--not _that_ end; that's "the Fall of _Man_." +RUSKIN points out (_reading_)--"A very sweet incident. Four or five +sheep, instead of pasturing, turn their heads to catch the manna as +it comes down" (_here BOB catches PODBURY's eye_) "or seem to be +licking it off each other's fleeces." (PODBURY _is suddenly convulsed +by inexplicable and untimely mirth._) Really, Mr. PODBURY, this is +_too_ disgraceful! [_She shuts the book sharply and walks away._ + + _Outside; by the landing-steps._ + +_Miss P._ BOB, go on and get the gondola ready. I wish to speak to Mr. +PODBURY. (_To PODBURY, after BOB has withdrawn._) Mr. PODBURY, +I cannot tell you how disgusted and disappointed I feel at your +senseless irreverence. + +_Podb._ (_penitently_). I--I'm really most awfully sorry--but it came +over me suddenly, and I simply couldn't help myself! + +_Miss P._ That is what makes it so very hopeless--after all the pains +I have taken with you! I have been beginning to fear for some time +that you are incorrigible--and to-day is really the _last_ straw! +So it is kinder to let you know at once that you have been tried and +found wanting. I have no alternative but to release you finally from +your vows--I cannot allow you to remain my suitor any longer. + +_Podb._ (_humbly_). I was always afraid I shouldn't last the course, +don't you know. I did my best--but it wasn't _in_ me, I suppose. It +was awfully good of you to put up with me so long. And, I say, you +won't mind our being friends still, will you now? + +_Miss P._ Of course not. I shall always wish you well, Mr. +PODBURY--only I won't trouble you to accompany me to any more +galleries! + +_Podb._ A--thanks. I--I mean, I know I should only be in your way and +all that. And--I'd better say good-bye, Miss PRENDERGAST. You won't +want me in the gondola just now, I'm sure. I can easily get another. + +_Miss P._ Well--good-bye then, Mr. PODBURY. I will explain to BOB. + + [_She steps into the gondola; BOB raises his eyebrows in + mute interrogation at PODBURY, who shakes his head, and + allows the gondola to go without him._ + +_Podb._ (_to himself, as the gondola disappears_). So _that's_ over! +Hanged if I don't think I'm sorry, after all. It will be beastly +lonely without anybody to bully me, and she could be awfully nice when +she chose.... Still it _is_ a relief to have got rid of old TINTORET, +and not to have to bother about BELLINI and CIMA and that lot.... How +that beggar CULCHARD will crow when he hears of it! Shan't tell him +anything--if I can help it.... But the worst of getting the sack +is--people are almost _bound_ to spot you ... I think I'll be off +to-morrow. I've had enough of Venice! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hard-riding Individual_ (_to Friend, whose Horse has +refused with dire results_). "HELLO! CHARLEY, OLD MAN, HOW ARE TURNIPS +LOOKING DOWN IN THAT NEIGHBOURHOOD?"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +In the admirably-compiled columns of "This Morning's News," given +in the _Daily News_, we read with interest a paragraph occasionally +appearing, furnishing information as to prices current in the +Provision Market. We have made arrangements to supply our readers with +something of the same character, which cannot fail to be valued in the +household. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A Pair of 'Eels.] + +From numerous sources of information, we learn that prime English beef +is underdone, which causes rather a run on mutton. _Revenons_, &c., +is the watchword in many households. Poultry flies rather high for +the time of year, and grouse is also up. Grice--why not? plural of +mouse, mice--grice, we say, are growing more absent, and therefore +dearer. Black game is not so darkly hued as it is painted, and a few +transactions in wild duck are reported. Lard is hardening, as usual +in frosty weather. Hares are not so mad as in March, still, on the +approach of a passer-by, they go off rapidly. Rabbits, especially +Welsh ones, are now excellent. As Christmas recedes, geese have +stopped laying golden eggs. Turkey (in Europe, at least) is in high +feather. Brill is now in brilliant condition; soles are right down to +the ground, whilst eels begin to show themselves in pairs. Halibut +is cheap, but sackbut is scarce, and psaltery requires such prolonged +soaking before it is fit for the table, that purchasers fight shy of +anything but small parcels. As for plaice, a large dealer tells us he +has been driven to the conclusion that there is "no plaice like home." + + * * * * * + +We hear of a curious incident in connection with the revival of _Henry +the Eighth_ at the Lyceum. On Saturday night, a gentleman who had +witnessed the play from the Stalls and carefully sat it out, demanded +his money back as he went out. He did so on the ground that he had +always understood that _Henry the Eighth_ was by SHAKSPEARE, and found +it credibly asserted that that gentleman had no part in the authorship +of the piece. Mr. BRAM STOKER, M.A., was called to the assistance +of the box-keeper, and ably discussed the point. Whilst declining to +commit himself to the admission that SHAKSPEARE had no hand in the +work, he quoted authority which assigned the authorship to FLETCHER +and MASSENGER; in which case, he ingeniously argued, the authorship +being dual, the price of the Stalls ought to be doubled. Conversation +taking this turn, the gentleman, whose name did not transpire, +withdrew. + + * * * * * + +Miss JANE COBDEN, ex-Alderman of the London County Council, who has +long pluckily championed Woman's Rights, has now, according to an +announcement in the papers, determined to assert her own, and get +married. _C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas_--Aldermanic. + + * * * * * + +A telegram from Berlin states that Dr. PFEIFFER, a son-in-law of +Professor KOCH, has succeeded in discovering the cause of influenza +and its infection in a bacillus, which, when seen under the +microscope, appears in the shape of a most minute rod. The best thing +that can be done with this rod is to put it in pickle, and keep it +there. + + * * * * * + +It is satisfactory to know that, at the approaching revival of +_Hubando, the Brigand_, the handkerchiefs used by the Brigands in +their famous scene of contrition at the end of the Third Act, are +entirely of British manufacture. We understand that they are from the +looms of Messrs. PUFF AND RECLAME. + + * * * * * + +In the First Act of the same piece, it will be remembered that the +bridal party is captured whole by _Hubando_, disguised as a mendicant, +in the recesses of one of the forests of the Abruzzi. The real +pine-trees, which are to figure in the foreground of this striking +scene, have been grown, with immense labour and expense, in the +well-known nurseries of Messrs. WEEDEM AND POTTER, at Ditchington. +The mendicant's rags, it should be added, are from one of our most +celebrated slop-shops in the Ratcliff Highway. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIUMPH OF ART OVER NATURE. + +_Serious Artist_. "I THINK YOU KNEW THE MODEL FOR THIS FIGURE--POOR +BEGGAR, DEAF AND DUMB." + +_Light-hearted Friend_. "I KNOW,--USED TO SIT AT CORNER OF STREET. +DEAF AND DUMB! BY JOVE, YOU'VE MADE A _SPEAKING_ LIKENESS OF HIM! +WONDERFUL!!"] + + * * * * * + +"THERE'S THE RUB!" + +(_AN OLD STORY WITH A NEW APPLICATION._) + +_Champion Bill-Poster, loquitur_:-- + + "Bill-stickers beware!" Ah! that's all very well, + A wondrously wise, if conventional, warning. + But _I_'m the legitimate "Poster"--a swell + In the paste-pot profession, all "notices" scorning. + A brush surreptitious, and Bills unofficial, + No doubt, are a nuisance to people of taste, + To Order offensive, to Law prejudicial, + But who can object to _my_ pot and _my_ paste? + + 'Tis time that this Poster were up! _Slap-dap-slosh_! + I think it a telling one. Brave, Big, Blue letters! + Some rivals about, but _their_ programmes won't wash; + Those Newcastle noodles must own us their betters. + I'm Champion Bill-Poster! Even Brum JOEY, + Who flouted me once will acknowledge that fact. + My Bills are so goey, and fetching, and showy, + My paste so adhesive, my brush so exact! + + _Slap-slop-slidder-slosh_! There's "stick-phast," if you like. + Bill-sticking like this is an Art, and no error. + Bold letters, brave colour! A poster to strike,-- + Admiration with some, and with some, perhaps, terror. + I wish I quite knew that the former preponderate,-- + That is, _sufficiently_. Mutterings I hear,-- + But there, 'tis a Bill to admire, and to wonder at. + Why, after five seasons' success, should I fear? + + Hist! What is that? Thought I heard a low grunt. + Hope not, I'm sure, for I'm sick of stye-voices + ARTHUR of those, has no doubt, borne the brunt; + Now in a semi-relief he rejoices + Pigs are fit only for styes and nose-ringing. + Never let Irish ones run loose and root, + Rather wish ARTHUR were less sweet on flinging + Pearls before pigs; as well feed 'em on fruit. + + _Hrumph_! There. I thought so! _Hrumph_! _hrumph_! What a pest! + Sure that big brute has his eye on my ladder. + Has ARTHUR loosed him? He thinks he knows best, + But a nasty spill _now_!--nothing well could be sadder + Brutes always rub their broad backs and stiff bristles + Against--anything that comes handy. Oh lor! + How the brute shoulders, and snorts, grunts and whistles! + Off to the gutter, you big Irish boar! + + Not he! He nears me! It _is_ ARTHUR's pet. + Light ladder this; would capsize in a jiffy. + His bristles he'd scrape and his tusks he would whet + Against it, I wish he were drowned in the Liffey! + _Whisht_! Get away! He's so heavy and big. + There! round the ladder he's playing the fooler. + Ah! there's the rub. PATRICK scumfish that Pig! + If he doesn't mean deviltry I'm a--Home Ruler! + [_Left fidgetting._ + + * * * * * + +UNASKED. + + Unasked, the Tax-Collector wild + Presents to smirking MARY his + Demand--on what the Roman styled + "_Kalendis Januariis_." + + Unasked, a Christmas-box to gain, + Sweeps, lamplighters, and postmen come; + Unasked--too often to remain-- + The wife's mammas of most men come. + + Unasked, it looms--that ophicleide + From Germany, with melodies + Whereat the cow of story died; + Whereat a modern fellow dies. + + Unasked, partakes my Christmas cheer, + (Whom oft, my front-door bell at, I've + Surprised, the better much for beer)-- + My Cook's fraternal relative. + + Unasked, my bills appear in shoals, + "_With compliments_" from creditors; + Unasked, in verse I send my soul's + Throbs--with a stamp--to Editors. + + Unasked, that editorial pack + Return my "throbs" in heavy, new, + Crisp envelopes, unstamped, alack! + While I defray the Revenue. + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM's nephew was reading aloud the prospectus of the Clerical, +Medical, and General Life Assurance Society. She was much impressed by +the idea of Clerical Assurance, and expressed herself greatly pleased +at the Ven. Archdeacon FARRAR being one of the Directors. "But what +puzzles me," observed the excellent lady, "is a paragraph headed +'Disposal of the Surplice.' I know that, years ago, there was a +'surplice difficulty.' But I thought that had been disposed of. Or," +she added, brightening up, as if struck by a happy solution of the +difficulty, "does it mean that the Clerical Assurance Society means to +take in washing? Most useful if they do, and so paying." + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF "CHAFF."--The husk of Wit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE'S THE RUB!" + +BILL-POSTER (_uneasily_). "IF THAT PIG DON'T MEAN DEVILTRY, I'M A ---- +SEPARATIST!"] + + * * * * * + +PLAYING OLD HARRY AT THE LYCEUM. + +[Illustration: The Magnetic Lady.] + +"I once did manage to make a cast correctly," writes ANDREW LANG, in +his charming book anent the sport and pastime of fishing, and if ever +HENRY IRVING made a cast to catch the public, it is now, when he uses +as his bait SHAKSPEARE's _Henry the Eighth_, got up in a style which +emphatically "beats the record," so utterly "regardless of expense" is +it, with well-tried, responsible actors, in what may be called minor +parts, though the majority of the _dramatis personæ_ are on a fair +dramatic equality, and with Our ELLEN TERRY, as _Queen Katharine_, and +himself as the great Lord Cardinal. + +[Illustration: "Go to," Norfolk and Suffolk!] + +The first difficulty that HENRY IRVING had to face--literally to +face--was that by no sort of art could he make up his features to +be an exact portrait of CARDINAL WOLSEY. Personally, I prefer Mr. +IRVING's picture of WOLSEY to the extant portraits, which concur in +representing him as a heavy, jowly-faced man, who might be taken as +a model for one of GUSTAVE DORÉ'S eccentric-looking ecclesiastics in +the _Contes Drolatiques_, rather than as the living presentment of the +great Chancellor, Statesman, and Churchman who ruled a cruel, crafty, +sensual tyrant, and successfully guided the policy of England at home +and abroad. HENRY IRVING's _Cardinal_ is a grand figure, courtly, +though somewhat too cringing withal, evidently despising the various +means he uses to further the end he has in view, and looking upon the +Lords, Courtiers and all around him as merely puppets, whose strings +he holds to work them as he will. + +[Illustration: The Cardinal's _Train de Luxe_.] + +Then, after seeing him as Sole Adviser of the Crown, after seeing him +as Highest Judge in the Ecclesiastical Divorce Court in such splendid +state as our Judge JEUNE may eye with envy, after seeing him in his +own Palace, most courteous as Grand Master and liberal Provider of +Right Royal Revels, he is exhibited to us in the deserted Hall, a +spectacle for gods and men (that is, shown to the Gallery and the rest +of the audience), the single figure of the Great Cardinal, fallen from +his high estate; and to him, in place of all his princely retinue, +comes his one faithful servant, CROMWELL, supporting his dying master, +for dying he is, as he staggers feebly from the Palace at Bridewell. +It is difficult to call to mind any situation in any play more +genuinely affecting in its simplicity than this. The audience is +held spell-bound,--yet, for my part, I should have welcomed a greater +variety in tone and action. + +[Illustration: Ellen Terry as Kate.] + +Miss ELLEN TERRY's _Queen Katharine_ is a "very woman." You can see +how she has caught the King, and how she still holds him. She loves +him, actually loves him, to the last to respect him is impossible, but +she respects herself; and it is just this love for him, for what he +was, not what he is, and her respect for herself, which Miss ELLEN +TERRY marks so forcibly. _Katharine_ is a foreigner, therefore is +her bearing, though stately, less stolid than that of the typical +English Tragedy Queen. The note of her dying scene, so striking by +its simplicity, is its perfect tranquillity. Who's _Griffith_? Why +the veteran HOWE (ah, Howe, When and Where did I first see you, +Sir? Wasn't it in the days when good old Mortonian farces were the +attraction at the Haymarket?) is "_the_ safe man," and excellently +well did he deliver his epitaph on _Wolsey_. But all are good, not +forgetting our old friend the sterling, that is the ARTHUR STIRLING +actor as _Cranmer_, and the youthful GILLIE FARQUHAR, unrecognisable +as _Lord Sands_, looking as ancient as if he were The Sands of Time. + +This revival is bound to have a long--it may be an unprecedentedly +long--run. All of us dearly love a show. Moreover, 'tis educational; +and the School Board should issue an Examination-paper on the history +of HENRY THE EIGHTH and his times as exemplified by Mr. IRVING & CO. +at the Lyceum. + +JACK-IN-THE-BOX. + +P.S.--The cost of production of _Henry the Eighth_ at the Lyceum was +£250,000 3s. 6¾d. Mr. IRVING's nightly expenses are £10,999 2s. 5½d. I +thought it had been more, but the above information comes to me from +a person whose veracity I should not like to question, except with the +boundless sea between us. + + * * * * * + +CON. FOR THE C.O.S.--When SHAKSPEARE said, "The quality of mercy is +not strained," did he mean that it was not strained through a Charity +Organisation Society? + + * * * * * + +"READING between the Lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a +Train coming. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKETCHES IN THE SADDLE BY OUR SPECIAL SPORTING ARTIST +ON THE SPOT.] + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +I.--GOLF. + +The Fairies who came to my Christening provided me with a large +collection of toys, implements, and other articles. There was a heart, +a tender one, a pen of gold, a set of Golf-clubs, a bat, wickets, and +a ball, oars and a boat, boxing gloves, foils, guns, rifles, books, +everything, except ready money, that heart could desire. Unluckily +one Fairy, who was old, deaf, plain, and who had not been invited, +observed, "It is all very well, my child, but not one of these +articles shall you be able to use satisfactorily." This awful curse +has hung heavy on my doom. With a restless desire to shine and excel, +at Lord's, on the river, on the Moors, in the forests, in Society, +on the Links, bitter personal experience and the remarks of candid +friends, tell me that the doom has come upon me. I am "an all-round +Duffer," as my youngest nephew, _ætat._ XI., freely informed me, when +I served twice out of court (once into the conservatory, the other +time through the study window). I was a Duffer at marbles, also +at tops, and my personal efforts in these kinds were constantly in +liquidation. But what are marbles and tops! The first regular game I +was entered at was Golf. Five is not too early to begin, and I began +at five by being knocked down with a club which another small boy was +brandishing. This naturally gave me an extreme zeal for the sport +of MARY STUART, the Great Marquis of MONTROSE, CHARLES EDWARD (who +introduced Golf into Italy), DUNCAN FORBES of Culloden, Mr. HORACE +HUTCHINSON, and other eminent historical characters. + +[Illustration] + +Almost everybody now knows that Golf is not Hockey. Nobody _runs_ +after the ball except young ladies at W--m--n! The object is to put +a very small ball into a very tiny and remotely distant hole, with +engines singularly ill adapted for the purpose. There are many +engines. First there is the Driver, a long club, wherewith the ball +is supposed to be propelled from the tee, a little patch of sand. +The Tee and the Caddie have nothing to do with each other; nobody +but a flippant Cockney sees any fun in plays upon words which, in +themselves, are only too serious. Then there is a weapon called a +Brassey. It is like unto a club, but is shod with brass, and is used +for hitting a ball in "a bad lie" among long grass or heather. A small +tomahawk, styled a Cleek, is employed when you don't know what else to +play with. The same remark applies to an Iron, which is very good for +missing the ball with, also for hitting to square leg when you meant +to go straight. A "Mashy" is a smaller "iron." The skilful use these +when the ball lies in sand, in gorse, or when they wish to make the +ball soar for a short distance and then fall dead. A Putter is a short +thickish club used for jogging the ball into the hole with. There are +plenty of other kinds of clubs, also spoons, but _these_ are enough to +break the heart of any Duffer. + +I am an old player, of forty years' standing, but, like _Parolles_ I +was "made for every man to breathe himself on." When my form is espied +near the links, the players shirk off as if I were a leper. They are +afraid I may want to make a match with them, and there is no falsehood +from which they will shrink, in their desire to escape me. Even +Ladies,--but this is a delicate theme. Beginners breathe themselves on +me, and give me odds after two or three engagements. + +Yet I don't know why I am so bad. True, I am short-sighted, never see +the flag at the hole, play in the wrong direction, and talk a good +deal on topics of academic interest during the round. The Golfer's +mind should be a blank, and generally is "blank enough," like _Sir +Tor's_ shield. My mind is, perhaps, too active--that may be what +is the matter with me. It is the same thing at whist--but of this +hereafter. My Caddie, or arm-bearer, has his own views about the +causes of my incompetence. + +"Ye're no standing richt. Ye haud yer hands wrang. Ye tak' yer ee off +the ba'. Ye're ower quick up. Ye're ower slow doun. Ye dinna swing. +Ye fa' back. Ye haud ower ticht wi' yer richt hand. Ye dinna let your +arms gang easy. Ye whiles tap, and whiles slice, and whiles heel, or +ye hit her aff the tae. Ye're hooking her. Ye're no thinking o' what +ye're doing. Ye'll never be a Gowfer. Lord! ony man can lairn Greek, +but Gowf needs a heid." + +Here are fifteen ways of going wrong, and there is only one way of +going right! Fifteen things to think of, every time you take a driver +in hand. And, remember, that is not nearly all. These fifteen fatal +errors apply to long driving. You may (or at least _I_ may, and do) +make plenty of other blunders with the other weapons. Say the ball +lies in sand--"a bunker," technically. If you hit it whack on the top, +it disappears in a foot-mark. If you "tak' plenty o' sand," why, you +_get_ plenty of sand in your mouth, your eyes, down the back of your +neck, and the ball is no forwarder. If you strike her quite clean, +she goes like a bullet against the face of the bunker, soars in the +air, falls on your head, and you lose the hole! Oh, Golf is full of +bitterness! + +Suppose we play a round. The ball is neatly "tee'd" on a patch of +sand. I approach, I shuffle with my feet for a secure footing, I +waggle my club in an airy manner. Then I take it up and whack it down. +A variety of things _may_ occur. I may smite the top of the hall, when +it runs on for twenty yards and lies in a rut on the road. I may hit +her on the heel of the club, when she spins, with much "cut" on, into +the sea. I may hit her with the toe of the club, when she soars to +square leg, and perhaps breaks a window. I used to try running in at +the ball, as if it were a half-volley at Cricket, but that way lies +madness. However, suppose that, in a lucid interval (as will happen), +I hit her clean. She soars away, and falls within forty yards of a +meandering burn. The hole, the haven where one would be, is beyond the +burn. + +I seize a cleek or an iron, it turns in my hand, cuts up the turf, and +the ball rolls half a dozen feet. My opponent has crossed the burn. +I try again; a fearful misdirected shot; the ball soars over the +burn and lands in a road behind the hole. There is no hitting out of +this road, or, if one does hit a desperate blow, the ball lands in +an eccentric sand-hole, called the Scholar's Bunker. We start for +the next hole. _Même jeu!_ Now we are in the gorse, now among the +Station Master's potatoes, now in the railway, where all hope may be +abandoned, now in bunkers many, now missing the ball altogether, when +you feel as if your arms had flown off. As for "putting" the short +strokes on the green, near the hole, if I hit sharp, the ball runs +over the hole yards and yards beyond, or if I hit mild, it stops with +an air of plaintive resignation, after dribbling for a foot or two. +And the worst of it is that, sometimes, you will play as well as +another for half-a-dozen holes. Then one thinks one has The Secret! +But it falls from us, vanishes, we are topping and slicing, and +heeling, and missing again as sorrily as ever. + +The beauty of Golf is that there are so many ways of going wrong, and +so many things to think of. A person of very moderately active mind +has his ideas diverted by the landscape, the sea, the blossom on the +gorse, the larks singing overhead, not to mention the whole system +of the universe. He forgets to keep his eye on the ball, in devoting +his energy to holding tight with his left, and being slow up. Or +he remembers to keep his eye on the ball, and forgets the other +essentials. Then an awful moment comes when he loses his temper. +Thereby all is lost, honour (not to mention "the honour,") and +everything. People in front, old people, are so provoking. They potter +tardily along, pass ten minutes in considering a putt, shout and swear +if you hit into them, and are not pleased if you sit down and smoke +while you wait. The only entity that I don't lose my temper with is my +partner. The worse he plays, the better am I pleased to have a brother +in adversity. The subjective Golfer, however, is certainly a bore. He +is "put off" by every simple circumstance, by his opponent wearing an +unbecoming cap and the like. Afterwards, he will hold forth for hours +on all his sorrows and all the sins of others. The Duffer is more +modest and less apologetic. He is kept always playing (as I said) +by the diabolical circumstance that he has lucid intervals, though +rarely, when he plays like other people for three or four holes. +I once, myself did the long hole in--but never mind. Nobody would +believe me. The most amiable of Duffers was he who, after ten strokes +in a bunker, cut his ball into three parts. "I am bringing it out," he +said, "in penny numbers." + +The born Duffer, I speak feelingly, is incurable. No amount of odds +will put him on the level even of Scotch Professors. For the learned +have divided Golf into several categories. There is Professional +Golf, the best Amateur Golf, Enthusiasts' Golf, Golf, Beginners' +Golf, Ladies' Golf, Infant Golf, Parlour Golf, the Golf of Scotch +Professors. But the true Duffer's Golf is far, far below that. A +Duffer like me is too bad for hanging. He should be condemned to play +for life at Chorley Wood, or to bush-whack at Bungay. + + * * * * * + +FREE AND EASY THEATRES.--We have no sympathy whatever with the idea of +a Théâtre Libre or with a Free-and-Easy Theatre, but we shall be very +glad when all Theatres are made Easy, Easy, that is, as to sitting +accommodation, and Easy of egress and ingress. But if the space is +to be enlarged, will not the prices have to be enlarged too? 'Tis +a problem in the discussion of which _The Players_, which is a new +journal, solely devoted to things Dramatic and Theatrical, would find +congenial employment. + + * * * * * + +VENICE AT OLYMPIA. + + ["The water in the canals is two feet in depth, and is kept at + a temperature of sixty degrees." + +_Vidé the Press on "Venice at Olympia."_] + +[Illustration] + + O Jane, thou jewel of my heart-- + Thou object of my hopeless passion, + Though Fate decrees that we must part, + I'll leave thee in some novel fashion! + I will not do as others do + When cheated of prospective bridal, + And quit the Bridge of Waterloo + With header swift and suicidal. + + I will not seek--as others seek-- + Some public-house in mean and _low_ street, + And drink--till haled before the Beak + Who patiently presides at Bow Street. + I will not throw--as others throw-- + My manly form, without compunction, + Before the frequent trains that go + At lightning speed through Clapham Junction. + + For though my spirit seeks escape + From all the carking cares that vex it, + I will not plunge thee into crape + By any ordinary exit: + So when--in slang--I "take my hook," + Detesting all that's mean and skimpy, a + Reserved and numbered seat I'll book, + And hie to Venice at Olympia. + + I'll see the Show that draws the town-- + Its pageantry delight affording-- + As per the details noted down + Where posters flame on every hoarding; + And then the sixpence I will pay, + Which in my pocket now I'm fondling, + And try upon the water-way + The new experience of gondling. + + I know that death will seem delight + When in the gondola I'm seated, + For up to sixty Fahrenheit + The Grand Canal is nicely heated; + So--sick of life's incessant storm, + Impatient of its kicks and pinches-- + I'll plunge within the water warm, + And drown--in four-and-twenty inches! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +After copious draughts of novels and romances which, the morning +after, leave the literary palate as dry as a lime-kiln, or as Mrs. RAM +would say, "as a lamb-kin," the Baron, thirsting for a more satisfying +beverage, took up a volume, which he may fairly describe as a youthful +quarto, or an imperial pinto, coming from the CHAPMAN AND HALL +cellars, that is, book-sellers, entitled _On Shibboleths_, and written +by W.S. LILLY. In a recent trial it came out that Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH +is the accredited and professional reader for Messrs. CHAPMAN AND +HALL. Is it possible that this eminent philosophical Novelist is +indebted to a quiet perusal of _Shibboleths_ for some of the quaint +philosophical touches not to be read off schoolboywise, with hurried +ellipses, blurting lips, and unintelligent brain, if any, which make +_One of Our Conquerors_ and others, worth perusal? Be this as it may, +which is a convenient shibbolethian formula, the Baron read this book, +and enjoyed it muchly. There is an occasional dig into the Huxleian +anatomy, given with all the politeness of a Louis-the-Fifteenthian +"M.A.," otherwise _Maître d'Armes_, and a passing reference to "The +People's WILLIAM" and the carrying out of the People's will--which is +quite another affair,--all, to quote Sir PETER, "vastly entertaining." +The chapter on the Shibboleth "Education" is, thinks the Baron, about +the best. Mr. LILLY is a Satirist who, as GEORGIUS MEREDITHIUS MAGNUS +might express it, is, in his fervour, near a truth, grasps it, and is +moved to moral distinctness, mental intention, with a preference of +strong, plain speech, and a chuck of interjectory quotation over the +crack of his whip, with which tramping active he flicks his fellows +sharply. With which Meredithism concludes + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +PREUX CHEVALIER. + +SIR,--The amazing popularity of the Costermonger Songs seems to me +a significant phenomenon. While no humane person would deny to the +itinerant vendor of comestibles that sympathy which is accorded +to the joys and sorrows of his more refined fellow-creatures, it +is impossible to view without alarm the hold which his loose and +ungrammatical diction is obtaining in the most cultured _salons_ of +to-day. Anxious to minimise the danger, yet loth to check a sentiment +of fraternity so creditable to our common humanity, I have devised +a plan by which Mr. CHEVALIER's songs may he rendered in such-wise +that while all their deep humanity is preserved, their English is so +elevated as to be innocuous to the nicest sensibility. Permit me to +give, just as a sample, my treatment of that very popular ballad, +known, _rubesco referens_, as "_Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road_." +Not being a singer, I have adopted Mr. CLIFFORD HARRISON's charming +plan of speaking through the music of the song, and this is how _I_ +render the chorus:-- + +"'How is it with you?' was the universal exclamation of the residents +in the vicinity. + +"'With whom, WILLIAM, have you made an appointment?' + +"'Have you, WILLIAM, purchased all the house-property in this +thoroughfare?' + +"Were my risible faculties exercised?--you ask me. Nay. Indeed I was +actually apprehensive of a fatal issue. + +"So striking was the effect produced upon those in the ancient Cantian +highway." + +This, Sir, not only gives the sense, but gives it, I venture to claim, +in a form fit for the apprehension of the most refined. Judging, +too, by the reception it met with at our recent Penny Readings, I +am convinced that Mr. CHEVALIER's peculiar humour is thoroughly +preserved, for, indeed, many of the audience laughed till I became +positively concerned for their safety. + +Yours faithfully, ROBERT BOWDLER SPALDING. + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS INDEED! + +That fiendish malefactor, the Influenza Bacillus, has been caught +at last! The peculiarity about him, confound him, is said to be +his "immobility." Ugh! the hard-hearted infinitesimally microscopic +monster! No tears, short-breathings, sighs, no groans, no sufferings, +nothing will move him. There he remains, untouched, immobile. +But there was one hopeful sign mentioned in the _Times_ of last +Saturday--the Bacillus was found "in chains, and in strings." Let the +chains be the heaviest possible till he can be tried by a Judge and +Jury; and don't resort to "strings" till the supply of chains has +failed. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, January 16, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14217 *** |