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diff --git a/old/14186.txt b/old/14186.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..75694a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14186.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1701 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +December 19, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 19, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 28, 2004 [EBook #14186] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 19, 1891. + + + + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: King Cracker the Millionth, of the Bonbon Dynasty.] + +The Baron's Assistants say that of the Christmas works published by +Messrs. HUTCHINSON & CO. they can and do recommend _The Children of +Wilton Chase_ by L.J. MEAD, to which they accord their mead of praise, +which likewise they bestow on FLORENCE MARRYAT's _The Little Marine +and the Japanese Lily_, a book of adventures in the land of the Rising +Sun, which will delight many rising sons for whom chiefly was this +book intended. There are always "more ways than one," and so _Where +Two Ways Meet_ there is like to be a puzzle, solved in this instance +by the authoress, SARAH DOUDNEY. Put down the books! Come to the +festive board! Down--(the right way of course) with the mince-pie and +plum-pudding! Strange is it that the source of so much enjoyment, the +very types of Christmas good cheer, should themselves be so "down in +the mouth" as invariably are Mathew Mince-pie and Peter Plum-pudding +at this festive season. And they being gone and cleared off, enter a +gentleman bearing the unusual and remarkable name of SMITH--familiarly +welcomed as "TOM" of that ilk--and then pop go the crackers! "But +we must keep the secret," whisper the Baron's Assistants, and they +strongly advise everyone not to peep into this _boite a surprise_ +until Christmas Day itself. So, for SPARAGNAPANE's "charming +confections, which," as the Baron's young lady clerks, BLYTHE and GAY, +observe, "are in the very highest style of 'High Art'; and the same +Mr. SPARE-NA-PAIN's _Darkest Evening, and How to Get Out of It_, will +be tidings of comfort and joy to many a holiday-making household." + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +A TRULY ROORAL OPERA. + +[Illustration] + +Sorry, indeed, are all London lovers of music at the sudden departure +from our midst and mist of _Cavalleria Rusticana_, the Rustic +Cavalier. It is no comfort to us to be told that the Rustic Cavalier +will go into the provinces and appeal to the country. His province at +present should have been to remain in London, where, with nothing to +speak of in the way of _mise-en-scene_, he--that is, his composer, +PIETRO MASCAGNI--has made a decided hit. Wise was our Signor LAGO "_al +factotum_" in producing this, and knowing, too, must he be in his +use of Windsor soap to have so speedily "taken the cake." Nay more, +did not HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY absolutely retain a Royal Box at the +Shaftesbury up to the last night of the run of this one-Act Opera? +"_Ah, bravo, Figaro, bravissimo! Fortunatissimo_!" What a treat, +too, to hear again the "_Che faro_." which brought down the Curtain, +and brought down the House, on this termination to GLUCK's _Orfeo_. +Strong, indeed, must be the _Cavalleria_ to be successful after the +_Che taro_: but it was. + +The Overture, the solo sung, by way of novelty, behind the Curtain, by +TURIDDU,--(what a name! like the commencement of a comic nonsensical +chorus! TURIDDU ought to have been in love with Tulla Lieti and have +behaved badly to Tralala. "But this is another story.")--the choruses, +and most of the concerted pieces are charming; and, above all, the +_intermezzo_, which, were the piece in two Acts, would he the overture +to the Second Act is simply so fascinating, that without a dissentient +voice from a full house it was warmly and heartily encored, and would +have been called for a third time had the judicious Signor ARDITI +shown the slightest sign of conceding a supply to a fresh demand. None +of the solos, except the one sung behind the Curtain, are particularly +catching, or dramatically effective. Mlle. ELANDI, as _Santuzza_, acts +and sings well; and Signor BERTINI, with a good voice, is about as +stiff in action as a rustic Cavalier would naturally be; while Signor +BROMBARA's _Alfio_ the Mule-driver is histrionically just about +perfect. Of course it will not he long ere we hear it again, and under +vastly improved conditions. + + * * * * * + +A MAYOR AND OLD HUNTER. + +[Illustration] + +Last Thursday the Fishmongers gave a banquet in their hall to the +Duke of BEAUFORT and other Masters of Hounds. But why should the +Fishmongers thus publicly advertise themselves as "going to the dogs." +What fishly a-fin-ity is there between hounds and herrings, except in +the running of a drag? However, the Lord MAYOR improved the occasion, +which we dare say judging from the liberal hospitality, or, in this +instance hoss-pitality, of the Fishmongering Corporation, scarcely +required improvement, to inform His Grace of BEAUFORT and other noble +sportsmen that he too was a hunting man, and that Lord Mayors of +London ought as a rule to he hunting men if they would keep up the +ancient traditions of their office. Why doesn't his sporting and +equestrian Lordship revive the "Lord Mayor's Hounds" of the time of +GEORGE THE FIRST? The meet might be in Leadenhall Market, or in a +still meater place, Smithfield, and a bag fox being turned out, they +might, on a good scenting day, have a fine burst of a good forty +minutes, taking Houndsditch in their stride away across Goodman's +Fields then away across Bethnal Green, tally-hoing down Cambridge +Road, and then with a merry burst, into Commercial Road East, gaily +along Radcliff Highway, and running into sly Reynard in Limehouse +Basin. Stepney! Yoicks! On hunting days there would be a placard on +the Mansion House door with the words, "Gone Away!" And of course +there would be a list of the meets appended to all the usual notices. +Let the present Lord MAYOR start this, and his Mayoralty will indeed +be a memorable one. + + * * * * * + +THE HYPNOTISED LOBSTER. + + [Mr. ERNEST HART said, in a recent Lecture, that snakes, + frogs, and lobsters could be hypnotised like human beings.] + + 'Tis the voice of the Lobster, I hear him complain, + That hypnotic suggestion is on me again; + I was mesmerised once and behold, since that time, + I have yielded myself to suggestions of crime: + I have compassed the death of an innocent "dab," + And attempted to poison an elderly crab. + + You'll not wonder my tricks give my relatives shocks, + And they're holding a meeting just now in the rocks + To decide whether I, who was once quite a saint, + Should be put, as the doctors say, under restraint. + I intend to go there in the midst of a trance. + And, may I be boiled, but I'll lead them a dance! + + It's a terrible thing, when to virtue inclined. + That some vile Mesmeriser debauches your mind; + When awake I recoil from the things that I've done, + Such as scrunching the poor little mussels for fun. + In these fetters hypnotic a foe holds me fast, + And you'll find that they'll hang me, in seaweed, at last. + + * * * * * + +WELCOME, LITTLE STRANGER! + +[Illustration] + +Last Friday there appeared a startling paragraph, announcing the first +appearance of a New Island. Appropriately, it was on the face of _The +Globe_. The intelligence came to us _via_ Marseilles. Did it come +up to the surface ready furnished for occupation, as in our second +National Anthem about "Britons never being slaves" Britain is +described as doing? The quotation is:--"When Britain first at Heaven's +command, Arose from out the azure main," (or words to that effect), +She (the Island) came up with a ready-made charter, and was open to be +taken furnished. If this is the case, with the new Island, the sooner +some parties "who won't be missed" pack off, bag and baggage, and take +possession of the property, the better. It's a chance. "Island to Let. +Ready furnished. Quite ready for occupation when thoroughly dry. No +Agents need apply. Ground-Swell Landlord, Neptune, C. district." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PASSIONATE SHEPHERD TO HIS LOVE. + +(_MODERN POLITICAL VERSION, A LONG WAY AFTER MARLOWE._)] + + "COME LIVE WITH ME, AND BE _MY_ LOVE + AND WE WILL ALL THE PLEASURES PROVE + THAT LAND REFORM, ALLOTTED FIELD, + AND VILLAGE COUNCILS SOON MUST YIELD." + + And thou shalt sit at ease, and mock + The Tory Shepherds of the flock, + The Squire and Parson, o'er whose fall + The Primrose Dames already squall. + + And I will give thee cots most cosy, + Of structure sound and aspect rosy; + True homes, salubrious if not garish, + And proper influence in the parish. + + One-Man-one-Vote, the Ballot, School, + And rating on a fairer rule; + A Charity less harsh and cold + To warm thine heart when thou grow'st old. + + A chance upon the land to dwell, + Free, independent, faring well; + And if these pleasures may thee move, + Come live with me, and be _my_ love! + + Though Tory Swains thy vote may crave + To keep thee still the Landlord's slave, + If freedom's joys thy mind may move, + Come live with _me_ and be _my_ love! + +THE NYMPH'S REPLY. + +(_Some way after Sir Walter Raleigh._) + + If I were sure 'twere sooth thou'st sung, + That truth were on thy silvery tongue; + These pleasures must my passion move + To live with thee and be thy love. + + But art _thou_ sure the Allotted Field + A present paradise will yield, + Making a lady of a thrall, + As dreamed at the Memorial Hall? + + Thy Village Council, Cottage cosy, + Present in sooth a prospect rosy, + But promises so oft are rotten; + I've oft been wooed--and oft forgotten! + + Free vote, fair rating, open school, + Good wage, intelligent self-rule,-- + These are enticements me would move + To live with thee and be thy love. + + If thy zeal last, if love, indeed, + Fire thee my hapless lot to heed; + Then such delights my mind shall move + To live with thee and be thy love. + + * * * * * + +A LOST OPPORTUNITY.--During a recent _cause celebre_ in the Divorce +Court the petitioner was asked by Sir CHARLES RUSSELL, Q.C., M.P., +P.T.P.C., "Did he do anything?" to which the reply was, "He took up +a salt-cellar and threw the contents in my face." Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, +Q.C., M.P., V.P.T.P.C. has been lamenting ever since that he could +not have appeared as _amicus curiae_ to point out that this testimony, +until flatly contradicted, "must be taken as _prima facie_ evidence of +_a salting her_." + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS NUMBERS. + +_AFTER A VERY OLD NURSERY MODEL._ + + One, two, crimson and blue; + Two, three, treaclyness free; + Three, four, gilding galore; + Four, five, bogies alive; + Five, six, spectres from Styx; + Six, seven, angels from heaven; + Seven, eight, big "extra plate"; + Eight, nine, wassail and wine; + Nine, ten, pencil and pen; + Ten, eleven, commercial leaven; + Eleven, twelve, "high-art" shelve; + Thirteen, fourteen, pictures of sporting; + Fifteen, sixteen, ghost-stories, fixt een; + Seventeen, eighteen, advertisements great in; + Nineteen, twenty, profit in plenty! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 5. + +WHEN, AFTER LUNCHING SUMPTUOUSLY AT A STRANGE HOTEL IN A STRANGE PART +OF THE COUNTRY, IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO HIM THAT HE HAS LEFT HIS PURSE, +WITH ALL HIS MONEY IN IT, IN THE MAIL TRAIN GOING NORTH.] + + * * * * * + +ILLEGAL FICTIONS. + + SCENE--_Interior of a Publisher's Office, shortly after the + trial of Pinnock v. Chapman and Hall._ + +_Publisher_. We have given our best attention to your Manuscript of +a three-volumed novel, called--let me see, what did you call it? Oh, +yes, here it is!--called, _Haunted by Sixteen Goblins_, and we are +afraid it won't do. + +_Literary Aspirant_ (_pained_). Won't _do_! + +_Pub._ (_calmly_). No. Won't do a bit--at least, not in its present +form. You see, you introduce a Pirate Chief, named Captain WILDFIRE, +who lives at Singapore, and who murders the mate, the steward, five +seamen, and all the Passengers of the _Jolly Seamew_, the vessel that +he commands, and appropriates five million dollars belonging to his +employers, the vessel's owners. + +_Lit. Asp._ Quite so. I thought those incidents would be rather +exciting. They're so new. Do you object to the murders, or what? + +_Pub._ Oh, dear no! But now this name, Captain WILDFIRE. +(_Suspiciously._) Are you sure there is nobody whose name is at all +like it, and who also resides at Singapore? + +_Lit. Asp._ I took the name quite by chance. I've never been near +Singapore in my life. + +_Pub._ (_relieved_). Glad to hear it. One has to be so careful +nowadays. Here's an Army List--let us see if anybody called WILDFIRE +figures in it. Ha! What's this! "Major WILDMAN, 217th Hussars." +(_Gazes at Lit. Aspirant sternly._) Is your Captain WILDFIRE +intended as a caricature of Major WILDMAN, Sir, or is it not? + +_Lit. Asp._ (_astonished_). Why, of course not! I never heard of the +man. + +_Pub._ Very likely not. _We_ should hear of him precious soon if we +published your novel as it stands. + +_Lit. Asp._ But what reason is there to suppose this Major WILDMAN has +ever been to Singapore? And how can a captain of a merchantship like +the _Jolly Seamew_ be confused with a Major in the Army who has never +commanded a vessel in his life? + +_Pub._ (_doggedly_). All very well; but the name must come out. Then +I don't like this description of the Ninth Goblin at all. Where is it? +Oh, here! (_Reads._) "Even the cerements of the tomb enveloping the +form of the Ninth Goblin could not hide--nay, seemed rather to bring +prominently forward--the malignant expression of the one-eyed +face, with its crop of red whiskers, beetle brows, and low receding +forehead." + +_Lit. Asp._ What's wrong with _that_? + +_Pub._ Wrong! Everything's wrong! There are lots of people about with +red whiskers and low receding foreheads, and they'll all bring actions +of libel. + +_Lit. Asp._ But _my_ Goblin has only one eye. + +_Pub._ Well, so may they. They're equal to taking one eye out and +putting it back when the trial's over, if they thought it'd help them +to get money out of _us_. There may be a fellow called Mr. GOBLIN +somewhere, too. Oh, no; it won't do at all. All the chapters with the +Ninth Goblin in must come out. + +_Lit. Asp._ (_aghast_). But that would spoil the book--it would mean +leaving out half of it. + +_Pub._ Yes, it would reduce the bulk, no doubt. In any case we could +not produce it in a three-volume form. But we are bringing out a +series of cheap fictions, and we might include yours. + +_Lit. Asp._ (_making the best of things_). Well, _some_ good books +have appeared in a shilling form. + +_Pub._ Yes. But it's not a shilling form we should propose. The fact +is, that there is a great run on Penny Novelettes just now, and-- + +_Lit. Asp._ (_rising_). And you dare to propose bringing out the +_Sixteen Goblins_ as a Penny Novelette! + +_Pub._ Certainly, and in view of the risk of actions for libel, +you would have to pay the printing-bill, and give us a contract of +indemnity in case your _Captain Wildfire_ did turn out to be identical +with some retired pirate who feels himself hurt at your description. +You don't think much of the proposal? Well, nor do we of the book, to +tell you the truth. Ta, ta! + + [_Disappears into inner room. Literary Aspirant slowly folds + up his novel, and exit._ + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.--Marry, and come up! + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XIX. + + SCENE--_The Tombs of the SCALIGERS at Verona. A seedy and + voluble Cicerone, who has insisted upon volunteering his + services, is accompanying Miss TROTTER, BOB PRENDERGAST, + and CULCHARD. It is a warm afternoon, and CULCHARD, who + has been intrusted with Miss T.'s recent purchases--two + Italian blankets, and a huge pot of hammered copper--is + not in the most amiable of moods._ + +_The Cicerone_ (_in polyglot_). Ecco, Signore (_pointing out the +interlaced ladders in the wrought-iron railings_), l'echelle, la +scala, c'est tout flexible--(_He shakes the trellis_)--molto, molto +curioso! + +_Culch._ (_bitterly, to the other two_). I _warned_ you how it would +be! We shall have this sort of thing all the afternoon _now_! + +_Miss T._ Well, I don't mind; he's real polite and obliging--and +that's something, anyway! + +[Illustration: "Bellissimo scultore!"] + +_Culch._ Polite and obliging! Now I _ask_ you--has he given us the +slightest atom of valuable information _yet_? + +_Miss T._ I guess he's too full of tact to wish to interfere with your +special department! + +_The Cic._ (_to CULCHARD, who looks another way_). Ici le tombeau di +GIOVANNI DELLA SCALA, Signore. Verri grazioso molto magnifique, joli +conserve! (_He skins up on the pedestal, and touches a sarcophagus_.) +Non bronzo--verde-antique! + + [_Nods at CULCHARD, with a beaming smile._ + +_Culch._ (_with a growl_). Va bene, va bene--_we_ know all about it! + +_Bob P. You_ may; but you might give Miss TROTTER and me a chance, you +know! + +_The Cic._ Zees, Marmor di Carrara; _zat_, Marmor di Verona--Verona +marbre. MARTINO PRIMO a fait batir. (_Counting on his fingers for +CULCHARD's benefit._) Quattuor dichieme secolo--_fotteen_! + +_Culch._ Will you kindly understand that I am quite capable of +estimating the precise period of this sculpture for myself. + +_The Cic._ Si-si, Signore. Scultore BONINO DA CAMPIGLIONE. (_With a +wriggle of deferential enthusiasm._) Bellissimo scultore! + +_Miss T._ He's got an idea you find him vurry instructive, Mr. +CULCHARD, and I guess, if you want to disabuse him, you'd better do it +in Italian. + +_Culch._ I think my Italian is equal to conveying an impression that +I can willingly dispense with his society. (_To the Cic._) Andate +via--do you understand? An-da-te _via_! + +_The Cic._ (_hurt, and surprised_). Ah, Signore! + + [_He breaks into a fervent vindication of his value as guide, + philosopher, and friend._ + +_Miss T._ I guess he's endeavouring to intimate that his wounded +self-respect isn't going to be healed under haff a dollar. And every +red cent I had went on that old pot! Mr. CULCHARD, will you give him a +couple of francs for me? + +_Culch._ I--er--really see no necessity. He's done nothing whatever to +deserve it! + +_Bob P._ (_eagerly_). May _I_. Miss TROTTER? (_Producing a ten-lire +note_.) This is the smallest change I've got. + +_Miss T._ No. I guess ten francs would start him with more +self-respect than he's got any use for. Mr. CULCHARD will give him +three--that's one apiece--to punish him for being so real mean! + +_Culch._ (_indignantly_). Mean? because I--! (_He pays and dismisses +the Cic._) Now we can examine these monuments in peace--they are +really--er--unique examples of the sepulchral pomp of Italian +mediaevalism. + +_Miss T._ They're handsome tombs enough--but considerable cramped. I +should have thought these old Scallywags would have looked around +for a roomier burying lot. (_To CULCHARD, who shivers_.) You aren't +feeling sick any? + +_Culch._ No--only pained by such a travesty of a noble name. +"Scallywags" for SCALIGERS seems to me, if I may say so, a very cheap +form of humour! + +_Miss T._ Well, it's more than cheap--it isn't going to cost you a +cent, so I should think you'd appreciate it! + +_Bob P._ Haw--score for _you_, Miss TROTTER! + +_Culch._ I should have thought myself that mere personality is hardly +enough to give point to any repartee--there is a slight difference +between brilliancy and--er--_brutality_! + +_Bob P._ Hullo! You and I are being sat upon pretty heavily, Miss +TROTTER. + +_Miss T._ I guess our Schoolmaster's abroad. But why Mr. CULCHARD +should want to make himself a train out of my coverlets, I don't just +see--he looks majestic enough without that. + + [_CULCHARD catches up a blanket which is trailing, and says + bad words under his breath._ + +_AT THE TOMB OF JULIET._ + +_Culch._ (_who is gradually recovering his equanimity_). Think of +it! the actual spot on which _Romeo_ and _Juliet_--SHAKSPEARE's +_Juliet_--drew their last breath! Does it not realise the tragedy for +you? + +_Miss T._ Well, no--it's a disappointing tomb. I reckoned it would +look less like a horse-trough. I should have expected _Juliet's_ Poppa +and Momma would want, considering all the facts of the case, to throw +more style into her monument! + +_Culch._ (_languidly_). May not its very simplicity--er--attest the +sincerity of their remorse? + +_Miss T._ Do you attach any particular meaning to that observation +now? (_CULCHARD bites his lip._) I notice this tomb is full of +visiting cards--my! but ain't that curious? + +_Culch._ (_instructively_). It only shows that this place is not +without its pathos and interest for _most_ visitors, no matter what +their nationality may be. You don't feel inclined yourself to--? + +_Miss T._ To leave a pasteboard? Why I shouldn't sleep any all night, +for fear she'd return my call! + +_Culch._ (_producing a note-book_). It's fanciful, perhaps but, if you +don't mind waiting a little, I should like to contribute--not my card, +but a sonnet. I feel one on its way. + +_Bob P._ Better make sure the tomb's _genuine_ first, hadn't you? Some +say it _isn't_. + +_Culch._ (_exasperated_). I _knew_ you'd make some matter-of-fact +remark of that kind! There--it's no use! Let us go. + +_Miss T._ Why, your sonnets seem as skeery as those lizards there! I +hope JULIET won't ever know what she's missed. But likely you'll mail +those verses on to her later. + + [_She and BOB P. pass on, laughing._ + +_Culch._ (_following_). She only affects this vulgar flippancy to +torment me. If I didn't know _that_--There, I've left that infernal +pot behind now! + + [_Goes back for it, wrathfully._ + + _In the Amphitheatre; Miss PRENDERGAST, PODBURY, and VAN + BOODELER, are seated on an upper tier._ + +_Podb._ (_meditatively_). I suppose they charged highest for the +lowest seats. Wonder whether a lion ever nipped up and helped himself +to some fat old buffer in the Stalls when the martyrs turned out a +leaner lot than usual! + +_Van. B._ There's an ingenuous modernity about our friend's historical +speculations that is highly refreshing. + +_Miss P._ There is, indeed--though he might have spared himself and +_us_ the trouble of them if he had only remembered that the _podium_ +was invariably protected by a railing, and occasionally by _euripi_, +or trenches. You surely learnt that at school. Mr. PODBURY? + +_Podb._ I--I daresay. Forgotten all I learnt at school, you know! + +_Van. B._ I should infer now, from that statement, that you enjoyed +the advantages of a pretty liberal education? + +_Podb._ If that's meant to be cutting. I should save it up for that +novel of yours; it may seem smart--_there_! + +_Miss P._ Really, Mr. PODBURY, if you choose to resent a playful +remark in that manner, you had better go away. + +_Podb._ Perhaps I had. (_Rises, and moves off huffily_). D---- his +playfulness! 'Pon my word, poor old CULCHARD was _nothing_ to +that beggar! And she backs him up! But there--it's all part of my +probation! (_Here CULCHARD suddenly appears, laden with burdens._) +Hullo! are you _moving_, or what? + +_Culch._ I am merely carrying a few things for Miss TROTTER. (_Drops +the copper pot, which bounds down into the arena._) Dash the thing!... +(_Returning with it_.) It's natural that, in my position, I should +have these--er--privileges. (_He trips over a blanket._) Conf--Have +you happened to see Miss TROTTER about, by the way? + +_Podb._ Fancy I saw her down below just now--with BOB. I expect +they're walking round under the arches. + +_Culch._ Just so. Do you know, PODBURY, I almost think I'll go down +and find her. I--I'm curious to hear what her impressions of a place +like this are. Such a scene, you know,--so full of associations +with--er--the splendours and cruelties of a corrupt past--must produce +a powerful effect upon the fresh untutored mind of an American girl, +eh? + +_Miss T.'s voice_ (_distinctly from arena_). I'd like ever so much to +see Buffalo BILL run his Show in here--he'd just make this old circus +hum! + +_Miss P.'s voice_ (_indistinctly from topmost tier_). Almost fancy +it all.... Senators--_equites--populus--pullati_... yellow sunlight +striking down through _vellarium_ ... crimsoned sand ... _mirmillo_ +fleeing before _secutor_ ... DIOCLETIAN himself, perhaps, lolling over +there on _cubiculum_ ... &c., &c., &c. + +_Culch._ The place appears to excite Miss PRENDERGAST's enthusiasm, at +all events! [_Sighs._ + +_Podb._ Rath-er! But then she's no end of a classical swell, you know! +[_Sighs._ + +_Culch._ (_putting his arm through PODBURY's._) Ah, well, my dear +PODBURY, one mustn't expect too much, must one?) + +_Podb._ I _don't_, old chap--only I'm afraid _she_ does. Suppose we +toddle back to the hotel, eh? Getting near _table d'hote_ time. + + [_They go out arm-in-arm._ + + * * * * * + +'ARRY IN ROME AND LONDON. + +A kind Correspondent calls _Mr. Punch's_ attention to the fact that +'ARRY the Ubiquitous crops up even in the Classics, as ARRIUS, in +fact, in _Carmen_ lxxxiv. of CATULLUS. How proud 'ARRY will be to hear +of his classical prototype! Our Correspondent "dropping into verse," +exclaims:-- + +[Illustration: 'Arry the Classic in his Swell Toga-ry] + + Yes! Your Cockney is eternal; + ARRIUS speaks in 'ARRY still: + Vaunts 'is "hincome" by paternal + "Hartful" tricks hup 'Olborn 'Ill. + +How well he is justified may be seen by a glance at the text of +CATULLUS:-- + +DE ARRIO. + + "C_h_ommoda" dicebat, si quando commoda vellet + Dicere, et "_h_insidias" ARRIUS insidias: + Et tum miritice sperabat se esse locutum. + Cum, quantum poterat, dixerat "_h_insidias." + Credo, sic mater, sic Liber avunculus ejus, + Sic maternus avus dixerit, atque avia. + CATULLUS, _Carmen_ lxxxiv. + +Which--for the benefit of 'ARRY himself, who is not perhaps familiar +with the "Lingo Roruano"--though he may know something of a "Romano" +dear to certain young sportsmen, though not dearer to them than other +caterers,--may thus be _very_ freely adapted:-- + + 'ARRY to _H_oxford gives the aspirate still + He cruelly denies to 'Ighgate 'Ill; + Yet deems in diction he can ape the "Swell," + And "git the 'ang of it" exceeding well. + Doubtless his sire, the 'atter, and his mother, + The hupper 'ousemaid, so addressed each other; + For spite of all that wrangling Board Schools teach, + There seems heredity in Cockney speech. + + * * * * * + +FREDERICK THE GREAT AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.--"Bravo, Sir President of +the Royal Academy!" says _Mr. Punch_, U.P.B.B., enthusiastically; +"a splendid lecture, Sir, that of yours last Thursday, given to the +architectural and other Academical students. who, acting upon your +advice, should be each one the architect of his own fortune. Your +sharply dashed-off portrait of The Grand Monarque, the 'Roi Soleil, +majestic in the many-storey'd wig,'--the King being built up quite +mon-architecturally,--'which encircled his retreating brow,' was +masterly. More power to your elbow, Sir FREDERICK--that is, if you +require it. _Mr. Punch_, Universal President of Brother Brushes, +fraternally and cordially salutes you." + + * * * * * + +LATEST IN MASSAGE.--Our friend, Mrs. RAM, says she will not be "sham +pooh'd;" she will be either really pooh'd, or not pooh'd at all. + + * * * * * + +"THE BIG BIG D." ENCORED. + +[Illustration] + +MR. W.S. GILBERT ought to have been engaged as Counsel in the +_Duplany_ v. _Duplany_ divorce case, when, attired in his wig, gown, +and hands--ARTHUR SULLIVAN's full hands of course--he could have put +the question which Mr. GILL had to make a pint of putting, i.e., as to +the occasional use of strong language. Set librettically, "_Firenza la +bella_" would have answered in her sweetest strain and with her most +bewitching Florentine manner, "I never use a big big D." To her the +Counsel, not Mr. GILL but Mr. GIL-BERT, would have retorted musically, +"What '_never_'?'" To him the fair Witness, replying on consideration, +"Well,--hardly ever!" Then the chorus, led by the Judge, Sir FRANCIS +JEUNE, and joined in by all the Jeuniors of his Court, would have +wound up this portion of the proceedings, if not harmoniously, at +least tunefully. For future reference, it would be known as "the +Big Big D-ivorce Case." How such occasional musical outbursts would +lighten the labours of the Court through many a tedious case! And in +a _cause un peu celebre_ like this, where there is a crammed house +and enthusiastic audience ready to take every point, and risk possible +expulsion rather than remain quiet, what a relief such a burst of song +would be to everybody's pent-up feelings and bottled-up excitement. +The comedy is all very well, but the finale is tragic, the last scene +of all being from the historical subject with modern application +representing "MARIUS seated among the ruins" of what might have been a +happy domestic life. + + * * * * * + +A PANNICK IN GILDHALL! + +We've jist bin and had sitch a Pannick in the City as we ain't not had +since the prowd and orty Portogeese threttened to stop any more old +Port from leaving of their shores, unless we guv 'em up ever so much +of the hinside of Afrikey. Ah, that was a pannick that was, and all +us Waiters felt it severially, but her Majesty's Guvernment, seeing at +wunce the sollem natur of the threat, made such terrems as settled the +hole affair, and Port went down as ushal. + +[Illustration] + +Well that was bad enuff in all conshense, but it was nothink to what +we has all bin threttened with, from the Lord MARE on his throne of +power to the umblest waiter of his royal estaberlishmunt. I herd ony +last week from the Gildall Beedle, so it must be trew, that ever so +many of what's called Comishunners of Suers had cum a tearing down +stairs from their place up above, a cussin and a swearin like mad, +becoz the Kumpany as was a jest beginnin for to lite up our streets +with Lectrissity. had writtin for to say as they coodn't get it dun +for more nor another year. Well that was bad enutf for them as likes +that tell-tail lite, "but wuss remanes behind," as the Pote says; and +I reelly ardly xpecs to be beleeved when I says, as they threttened +not to lite up the onered Manshun Ouse to the werry last! and as the +gas has all a bin taken away, there wooden have been not no lites, and +consequently not no Dinner in that grand Ome of Horspitallerty, not +for twelve long weary hungry munse! + +The shudder as run thro Gildhall when this was fust menshund, the +Beedel tells me, was sumthink quite orful, and the langwidge used, +ewen by anshant Deppertys, sumthink not to remember, but sumthink to +forget as soon as posserbel. + +However, a gentle reminder from them as could do what they threttind, +whether it was six months' hard, or suppenshun from wun of their own +tall, red lamp postesses, brort them all to their sewen senses, and +everythink is to be reddy for the fust State Bankwet at the reglar +hour on the reglar day; and so the dedly wroth of the grand old +Copperashun is apeezed, and there is no longer enny tork of a mighty +band of hindignent Welshers a marching up to Town to awenge the dedly +hinsult with which their poplar Monnark was threttined! + +Wun of our werry cleverest Depputys said to me.--"Ah, Mr. ROBERT, if +our ennemys had reelly xtinguished all our light, I shoud indeed have +said, with the Pote, _Habsent Homen!_" + +I didn't kno a bit what he meant, but I rayther think it were sumthink +seesonnabel about Ome sweet Ome, or about the likker "habsinth," wich +I don't hold with. But I quite agreed with him. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A ROYAL "HAPPY THOUGHT" IN DECEMBER.--The Promise of MAY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &C. + +_Ethel_. "MUMMY DEAR, WHY DID YOU TELL RICHARD YOU 'WEREN'T AT HOME' +JUST NOW?" (_Pause._) "MUMMY, I MEAN--" + +_Mamma_. "WHEN SIR FUSBY DODDERIDGE CALLED? WHY, ETHEL DEAR, BECAUSE +HE BORES ME." + +_Ethel_. "OH!" (_After thoughtfully considering the matter with regard +to her Governess_.) "THEN MAY I SAY I'M NOT AT HOME WHEN MISS KRUX +CALLS TO-MORROW? FOR _SHE_ BORES _ME_ AWFULLY?"] + + * * * * * + +"ENGLAND, HOME, AND BEAUTY!" + + ["I am quite proud to think that my son marries one who was + born in this country, has been educated in this country, and + has the feelings of an Englishwoman."--_H.R.H. the Prince of + Wales at the Civil Service Dinner_.] + + The Prince's word will strike a chord + Of sympathy and pleasure + In English hearts. Not from abroad + Young CLARENCE brought his treasure. + He finds his MAY in British mead; + 'Tis _Punch's_ pleasant duty + The old chorus once again to lead, + "For England, Home, and Beauty!" + + England!--the fair betrothed was born + Within the seas that bind us; + Home!--not from far court-precincts torn, + This Princess comes to find us. + Beauty!--well, look upon that face, + Whilst PUNCHIUS Cupid hovers, + With crowning wreath and genial grace, + Above the Royal lovers. + + Fair home-grown flower, bright English MAY, + Whose promise cheers December, + And who will make "wild March" so gay; + _Punch_ can right well remember. + Betrothals many, bridals too, + Your lover's sire's among them, + And with a loyalty frank yet true + Has generally sung them. + + And so for you he bath a stave, + Latest of the bright bevy. + On gentle hearts and spirits brave + The toll of love you'll levy. + We trust that fortune may prove fair, + And life's long pathway rosy, + And love attend the Royal pair, + The young "_Promessi Sposi._" + + An English bridal it will be + When March brings round the spring time, + And English hearts will hail with glee + The coming of the ring-time. + _Punch_--like his Prince--is "proud to think" + It then will be his duty, + Once more the fine old toast to drink-- + "For England, Home, and Beauty!" + + * * * * * + +TWOPENCE PLAIN.--A PENNY COLOURED. + +MR. PUNCH, HONOURED SIR, + +I have just received a copy of _The Almanack_, which, if I may say so, +is worthy of the approach to the close of "the so-called Nineteenth +Century." Not to go further into particulars, I should say that +"A Doll's Diary" will be hard to beat in contemporary Christmas +literature. + +It was, Sir, not with the intention of making this obvious remark that +I break in upon your reflections. My purpose was moved by discovering +on the front corner of this work of Literature and Art the legend, +"Price 6d.; _Inland postage_, 2d." Looking at the postal cover which +lightly bore the treasure o'er land and sea to this ancient town, I +discovered, that coming under the "foreign postage rate," 11/2d. had +served the turn. Whence it appears, that had I, as usual at this +season of the year, been at my country address, to be found in _Dod_, +the _Almanack_ would have cost me, or someone else (it is beside the +argument), 2d. Whereas, being hundreds of miles away from the placid +pastures that surround The Kennel, Berks, the postage is 25 per cent. +less in amount. In one case, where the larger sum and the less amount +of labour were concerned, the English Post-Office, taking all the +money, charge 2d.; in the other, calling in the assistance of Belgium +and Germany, and of course sharing with them the plunder, 11/2d. is held +to be the fair recompense for the immensely extended labour. Isn't +this something in the way of reversal of the ordinary trade axiom, as +who should say "Twopence Plain; a Penny, Coloured"? + +In its immediate application it is a small thing. People privileged +to receive _Punch's Almanack_ through the post will not quibble over +a half-penny. But it is evident that a system which embodies an +arrangement that needs only to be stated to have its absurdity +demonstrated, wants looking after. + +I beg to give my friend, the new Postmaster-General, notice that, as +soon as the House meets, I shall put a question on the subject. In the +meanwhile, and always I am, honoured Sir, your obliged and obedient +servant, + +TOBY, M.P. + +_Kaiserbad, Aachen, Monday_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ENGLAND, HOME, AND BEAUTY!"] + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. + +Perhaps a version "up to date" (as the slang goes) of _Our Village_, +may interest the supporters of the Statesman Mr. ACLAND, without +annoying the admirers of the poet WAL PINK. + +NO. IV.--OUR VILLAGE. + +AIR--_"THE VILLAGE ON THE 'SLOW AND DIRTY' LINE."_ + + For centuries the Village was maintained, without cessation, + As "a Squire and Parson's paddock," just to keep poor yokels down, + But all that is to be altered, at the Radical's instigation, + We're settling on a village which shall have the charms of town. + It's shaped on Democratic lines, it is _in nubibus_ yet, + But when Reform's set going, it's a horse that does not stop. + The House o' Commons has pronounced, and though old Tories fuss, yet + All understand the tyrant has the tip to shut up shop. + +[Illustration] + +_CHORUS._ + + In the Village, new Village, a healthy little spot, + The home of rural Hygiene, where nasty smells are not, + Where HODGE shan't be the thrall + Of the Vicarage and the Hall, + In the Village shaped on Democratic lines! + + There bobbing to their "betters" shall not be an institution + With the Jemmies and the Jessamies, as in the good old day; + There "Washhouses" shall civilise chawbacons--by ablution, + And Drink-shops shall not freely tithe the ploughman's paltry pay. + There shall be a Parish Council by the householders elected, + Who will snub "the Village tyrant" and will cut the Parson's comb; + And when once 'tis constituted such reform may be expected + That poor HODGE in all sincerity may sing his "_Home, Sweet Home!_" + + _Chorus_.--In the Village, new Village, the sanitary spot, + A small self-governed commune with full powers to "allot," + A Free Library for all, + And a handsome Meeting Hall, + In the Village shaped on Democratic lines! + + There the Labourer shall not half-starve on "swankey." and thin pottage, + With a prospect of the Workhouse when no longer he can work; + But shall have a fragrant pigstye, and a sanitary cottage, + And a voice in local business which the big-wigs cannot burke. + The rural working-man shall superintend his children's schooling, + And control long ill-used "charities," and champion "common rights," + And, in fact, there'll be an end to Squire's sole sway and Parson's fooling, + And the rustic's sole hope-beacon shall no more be "London's Lights." + + _Chorus_.--In the Village, new Village, &c., &c. + + There the peasant politician with the Guardian shall grapple, + And keep up the rural standard, and keep down the local rates; + The haughty Church no longer there shall lord it o'er the Chapel, + And the Voluntary School shall find the level it so hates. + In short, with Local Government invested, the whole Village + Shall grow vigorous, and virtuous, and prosperous, and proud, + And free from Landlord pressure, and the Parson's petty pillage, + The peasants shall no longer to the slums of London crowd. + + _Chorus_.--From the Village, new Village, a happy little spot, + A home of peace and plenty, where oppression may not plot; + Where there's room enough for all. + And the "hind" is _not_ a "thrall," + In the Village shaped on Democratic lines! + + * * * * * + +A SAFE NOVEL. + +(_WITH INTERPOLATED NOTES BY OUR OWN LEGAL ADVISER._) + +CHAPTER I.--THE LOVERS' PARTING. + +The sun was setting behind the towers of the church of +Greenborough-on-the-Driblet. + +[It must be clearly and distinctly understood that this village is not +intended to refer to any parish with the word "green" introduced in +the title--all incumbents of such livings being the most honourable +and distinguished of men.] + +Two persons were bidding one another adieu. The first was a man in the +prime of life wearing a suit of tweeds. + +[Please note that the name of the tailor is not given, and it is not +to be assumed for a single moment that this refers to any individual +in particular.] + +The girl, for she was only a girl, wore a costume of almost +puritanical simplicity. + +[Again no dressmaker is singled out for discussion. It is a purely +fancy portrait.] + +They were both in tears. For the hour had come for their parting. + +[It is necessary to state that by "parting" no reference is made to +any existing firm of hair-dressers.] + +For a moment they were silent, watching Phoebus as he descended in his +glory of purple and gold. + +[This refers to the mythical God of Day, and is not to be confounded +with a member of a well-known firm of manufacturers of blacking.] + +Then they spoke to one another. + +"ZOZIMUS," she murmured, softly, "and is this our last meeting?" + +[The name of ZOZIMUS was selected for the hero because it is an +uncommon one, and consequently unlikely to be confounded with any +more frequently-used designation. If by an unlucky chance there _is_ a +ZOZIMUS, he is assured that the coincidence is purely accidental.] + +"I am afraid it must be so, my ZULUWOLFA," was the heartbroken +response. + +[Again the name has been chosen on the same lines as the selection +of ZOZIMUS, and the explanation above given may be taken as having +reference to both.] + +"And so you are going across the sea in a boat?" she queried, trying +to smile, in spite of her blinding tears. + +[No boat in particular is intended, and we have the author's authority +for saying that he has the greatest respect for every official +connected with the shipping interest.] + +"Yes," he returned, sadly, "it is my father's wish, and I trust that +in a new world I shall find greater prosperity than I have been able +to achieve in dear old England." + +[No reference is made in the above to any weekly publications, +although, perhaps the _World_ and _England_ may have been taken as +titles for Saturday journals. Before passing this passage, we received +the assurance of the author that he felt the deepest esteem for the +Editors of the periodicals thus inadvertently mentioned.] + +"Well, my beloved, you will soon see me; and, dead or alive, I shall +be by your side in the spirit." + +[This passage is not intended to single out any particular firm of +distillers] + +"We shall meet again," he cried, pressing her frail form to his +breast. "Indeed we shall meet again." + +[It must not be assumed that there has been a misprint in the +above passage, and that reference is made to any particular firm of +butchers.] + +And so they parted! + +(_To be continued in our next, after consultation with our +Solicitor._) + + * * * * * + +WITHOUT THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.--A few days since the Justices +of South Shields sentenced a vagrant verging upon seventy years of +age, to fourteen days imprisonment with hard labour--a matter to which +attention was called when the Coroner held an inquest in the gaol on +the poor old fellow's body. It would be interesting to know the names +of these "un-worthies," so that they might be gibbeted as a contrast +to the sentiments that will prevail when Christmas ushers in a time of +peace and good-will! + + * * * * * + +A STORY OF THE SEA (_told on the Beach at Brighton_).--"Fine day for a +sail, Sir!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROMISING FOUR-YEAR-OLD. + +At the Meet he attracted no little attention. + +When Hounds went away, he quickly assumed a prominent position. + +Though his manner of taking Rails was rather risky, + +Yet his Courage was undeniable. + +He proved excellent at Water, + +And his method of taking the Fox from the Hounds was novel and +entertaining.] + + * * * * * + +TOLD IN TAGS. + +We have recently been favoured by a communication from a firm of +Publishers, which informs us that, in a story sent for review, "by +an oversight of the binder," the Epilogue was omitted, and inclosing +that interesting document. We have perused the four pages with so much +pleasure, that we suggest that, instead of writing the whole story, +novelists, in future, should only publish the final chapter, which +might be beneficially compressed into a few lines. As a lead, we print +a few conclusions, to serve as models:-- + +_Specimen of a Happy Ending_.--And so there was nothing more to do +but to get married, and consequently EDWIN led no happier bride to +the altar than his much persecuted and greatly tried ANGELINA. So the +bells of Tinkleton rang out their merriest chimes as the sun went down +on the stately towers of Castle Sympleton. + +_Specimen of an Unhappy Ending_.--So, at peace with all the world, +still holding the hand she loved so well, and smiling a smile that +brought tears into the eyes of the good old Colonial Bishop, FLORA +faded away into the Golden Dream she knew so well! + +_Specimen of a Mysterious Ending_.--And so HUGH, carrying a lamp +in his right hand, and grasping the blade of his sword in his left, +entered the cave of which he had heard so much. Will he ever return? +Who can tell? + +_Specimen of a Comic Ending_.--"So it was you, after all!" cried the +Cheesemonger, with a shout of laughter. + +EGERTON SWELLINGTON smiled an assent. + +"Then all I can say," continued the worthy trader, "is, that a miss is +as good as a mile." + +And, for once in his life, Mr. DOUBLECHIN was absolutely right! + +_Specimen of the Poetical Ending_.--So with the blue-bells sighing +soft music, and the stars chanting their soothing lullaby, the sweet +soul of MARIA realised the truth that-- + + 'Tis better to have loved and lost, + Than never to have loved at all. + +_Specimen of the Shocker's Ending_.--And with a gasp and a reel, Sir +RALPH fell back, back, back, down the precipice, and an hour later was +found by the patrolling coast-guardsman a quivering mass of senseless +humanity! + +_Specimen of the Christmas Ending_.--And so, linked hand in hand, +father and mother, son and daughter, husband and wife, nephew and +niece, bowed their heads beneath the holly and mistletoe, and wished +one another, with a heartiness that told volumes, "A Merry Christmas +and a Happy New Year!" + + * * * * * + +QUERIES FOR CAMBRIDGE EXAM. PAPER.-- + +1. If the Vice-Chancellor's authority to punish immorality within the +bounds of the University town of Cambridge is to be done away +with, will he still retain the then quite superfluous title of +_Vice_-Chancellor? + +2. On the abolition of "The Spinning-House," as plucked candidates +are often spoken of as men who were "spun" for such-and-such +an examination, might not the Senate-House be known as "The +Spinning-House"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FEW ONE-POUND NOTES; OR, THE QUICK-CHANGE +CHANCELLOR.] + + * * * * * + +BY GEORGE! + + [In a recent libel action, brought against an author by an + African merchant, Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH was called as a witness. + He said:-- + + "The story in dispute passed through his hands as reader for + the publishers. Asked in cross-examination if he thought that + the opening of the story relating to the hero's mother did not + offend against the canons of good taste, the witness answered + that it was the attempt of a writer of serious mind to be + humorous. It might be almost called a stereotype of that + form of the element of humour. It was a failure but still + passed with the public.--The Judge: A kind of elephantine + humour?--The Witness: Quite so. I did not like it, but one + would have to object to so much." + + There the report of Mr. MEREDITH'S evidence ends. Exigencies + of space apparently caused the omission of a great deal of + it. Fortunately it is in our power to supply this + deficiency.--ED.] + +[Illustration: Very much En Evidence; or, George in the box.] + +_The Judge_. Quite so, Mr. MEREDITH. I may say for myself that I fully +understand you. But perhaps it would be well to explain yourself a +_leetle_ more clearly for the benefit of the jury. + +_Mr. George Meredith_. My Lord, I will put it with a convincing +brevity, not indeed a dust-scattering brevity fit only for the +mumbling recluse, who perchance in this grey London marching Eastward +at break of naked morn, daintily protruding a pinkest foot out of +compassing clouds, copiously takes inside of him doses of what is +denied to his external bat-resembling vision, but with the sharp +brevity of a rotifer astir in that curative compartment of a +homoeopathic globule--so I, humorously purposeful in the midst, of +sallow-- + +_The Judge_. One moment, Mr. MEREDITH. Have you considered-- + +_Mr. G.M._ Consideration, my Lord, is of them that sit revolving +within themselves the mountainously mouse-productive problems of the +overtoppingly catastrophic backward ages of empurpled brain-distorting +puzzledom: for puzzles, as I have elsewhere said, come in +rattle-boxes, they are actually children's toys, for what they +contain, but not the less do they buzz at our understandings and +insist that they break or we, and, in either case, to show a mere +foolish idle rattle in hollowness. Nor have the antic bobbings-- + +_Sir Charles Russell_ (_cross-examining_). Really, Mr. MEREDITH, I +fail to follow you. Would it not be possible-- + +_Mr. G.M._ Ay, there you have it. In truth, the question looks like a +paragraph in a newspaper, upon which a Leading Article sits, dutifully +arousing the fat worm of sarcastic humour under the ribs of cradled +citizens, with an exposure of its excellent folly. For the word. +That is it. The word is Archon, with extended hand summoning the +collaboratorically ordained, misbegotten brood of shock-shilling +pamphlets to his regal presence-- + +_The Judge_ (_testily_). No doubt that would be so, but it brings us +no nearer to a decision upon the question of humour in the particular +passage of the book which contains the alleged libel. + +_Sir Charles Russell_. Perhaps I can shorten matters, my Lord. Now, +Mr. MEREDITH, will you be kind enough to explain the following passage +from a book with which you may perhaps be acquainted. (_Reads_.) "This +he can promise to his points. As for otherwhere than at the festive, +Commerce invoked is a Goddess that will have the reek of those boards +to fill her nostrils, and poet and alderman alike may be dedicate to +the sublime, she leads them, after two sniffs of an idea concerning +her, for the dive into the turtle-tureen. Heels up they go, poet +first--a plummet he!" Is that humorous, or, if not, what is it? + +_Mr. G.M._ Elephantine, I think; yet not elephantine altogether, +since of them that crash amid jungle of atrophied semi-consciousness, +strivingly set upon an overtopping mastery-- + +_Sir Charles Russell_ (_interrupting_). Thank you. The passage is from +_One of our Conquerors_. Here is another:--"Reverting to the father +and mother, his idea of a positive injury, that was not without its +congratulations, sank him down among his disordered deeper sentiments, +which were a diver's wreck, where an armoured livid subtermarine, a +monstrous puff-ball of man, wandered seriously light in heaviness; +trebling his hundredweights to keep him from dancing like a +bladder-block of elastic lumber." And while you are about it, +pray inform the Court what you mean by "the vulgarest of our +gobble-gobbets," or by "a trebly cataphractic Invisible." + +_Mr. G.M._ Truly, the louder members of the grey public are +fraternally instant to spurn at the whip of that which they do not +immediately comprehend. But to me, plunged chokingly in translucent +profundities of aquamarine splendour, not of a truth that in the +heights above splendour resides not, chidingly offering a fat +whiskerless cheek to the blows of circumstance, this was ever the +problem of problems. How to write. How not to write. This way and +that the raging fates tug the hapless reader, pillowed he upon the +vast brown bosom of his maternal earth, or lurefully beckoning the +dim shadow-shapes of dodecahedronic cataplasmatic centipede fatally +conditioned to the everlasting pyramid of a star-pointing necessity. +So-- + +_The Judge_ (_with determination_). Mr. MEREDITH, the Court is +sincerely obliged to you for your extremely valuable evidence. We are +unwilling to detain you any longer. Besides, after what you have said, +the point is as clear as daylight. Good morning, Mr. MEREDITH, good +morning. You may become a trebly cataphractic Invisible. + + * * * * * + +THE THINNING OF THE THATCH. + +[Illustration] + + Oh, the Autumn leaves are falling, and the days are closing in, + And the breeze is growing chilly, and my hair is getting thin! + I've a comfortable income--and my age is thirty-three; + But my Thatch is thinning quickly--yes, as quickly as can be! + + I was once a merry urchin--curly-headed I was called, + And I laughed at good old people when I saw them going bald; + But it's not a proper subject to be lightly joked about, + For it's dreadful to discover that your roof is wearing out! + + I remember asking Uncle--in my innocent surprise-- + How he liked his head made use of as a Skating Rink by flies; + But although their dread intrusion I shall manfully resist, + I'm afraid they'll soon have got another Rink upon their list. + + When invited to a party I'm invariably late, + For I waste the time in efforts to conceal my peeping pate-- + Though I coax my hair across it--though I brush away for weeks, + Yet I _can't_ prevent it parting and dividing into streaks! + + I have tried a Hair Restorer, and I've rubbed my head with rum, + But the thatch keeps getting thinner, and the new hair doesn't come-- + So I gaze into the mirror with a gloomy, vacant stare, + For the circle's getting wider of that Open Space up there! + + People tell me that my spirits I must not allow to fall. + And that coming generations won't have any hair at all-- + Well--they'll never know an anguish that can adequately match + With the pangs of watching day by day the thinning of your Thatch! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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