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diff --git a/14166-h/14166-h.htm b/14166-h/14166-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ce66c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14166-h/14166-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2036 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 9, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14166 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 9, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <h2>ON A NEW YEARLING.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>Second Week.</i>)</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/13-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13-1.png" + alt="Second Week. Little 1892 grows rapidly, and begins to look about him." /> + </a>Second Week. Little 1892 grows rapidly, and begins to + look about him. + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My fire was low; my bills were high;</p> + + <p class="i2">My sip of punch was in its ladle;</p> + + <p>The clarion chimes were in the sky;</p> + + <p class="i2">The nascent year was in its cradle.</p> + + <p>In sober prose to tell my tale,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twas New Year's E'en, when, blind to + danger,</p> + + <p>All older-fashioned nurses hail</p> + + <p class="i2">With joy "another little stranger."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The glass was in my hand—but, wait,</p> + + <p class="i2">Methought, awhile! 'Tis early + toasting</p> + + <p>With pæans too precipitate</p> + + <p class="i2">A baby scarce an outline boasting:</p> + + <p>One week at least of life must flit</p> + + <p class="i2">For me to match it with its + brothers—</p> + + <p>I'll wager, like most infants, it</p> + + <p class="i2">Is wholly different from others.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He frolics, latest of the lot,</p> + + <p class="i2">A family prolific reckoned;</p> + + <p>He occupies his tiny cot,</p> + + <p class="i2">The eighteen-hundred-ninety-second!</p> + + <p>The pretty darling, gently nursed</p> + + <p class="i2">Of course, he lies, and fondly + petted!</p> + + <p>The eighteen-hundred-ninety-first</p> + + <p class="i2">Is not, I fancy, much regretted.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You call him "fine"—he's great in size,</p> + + <p class="i2">And "promising"—there issue from + his</p> + + <p>Tough larynx quite stentorian cries;</p> + + <p class="i2">Such notes are haply notes of + promise.</p> + + <p>Look out for squalls, <i>I</i> tell you; soft</p> + + <p class="i2">And dove-like atoms more engage us;</p> + + <p>Your <i>fin-de-siècle</i> child is oft</p> + + <p class="i2">Loud, brazen, grasping, and + rampageous.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You bid me next his eyes adore;</p> + + <p class="i2">So "deep and wideawake," they beckon;</p> + + <p>We've suffered lately on the score</p> + + <p class="i2">Of "deep and wideawake," I reckon.</p> + + <p>You term me an "unfeeling brute,"</p> + + <p class="i2">A "monster Herod-like," and so + on—</p> + + <p>You may be right; I'll not dispute;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll cease a brat's good name to blow + on.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who'll read the bantling's dawning days?—</p> + + <p class="i2">Precocious shall he prove, and harass</p> + + <p>The world with inconvenient ways</p> + + <p class="i2">And lisped conundrums that embarrass?</p> + + <p>(Such as Impressionists delight</p> + + <p class="i2">To offer each æsthetic gaper,</p> + + <p>And faddists hyper-Ibsenite</p> + + <p class="i2">Rejoice to perpetrate on paper?)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or, one of those young scamps perhaps</p> + + <p class="i2">Who love to rig their bogus bogies,</p> + + <p>And set their artful booby-traps</p> + + <p class="i2">For over-unsuspicious fogies?</p> + + <p>Or haply, only commonplace—</p> + + <p class="i2">A plodding sort of good apprentice,</p> + + <p>Who does his master's will with grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">And hurries meekly where he sent is?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, when he grows apace, what blend</p> + + <p class="i2">Of genius, chivalry and daring,</p> + + <p>What virtues might our little friend</p> + + <p class="i2">Display to brighten souls despairing?</p> + + <p>What quiet charities unknown,</p> + + <p class="i2">What modest, openhanded kindness,</p> + + <p>What tolerance in touch and tone</p> + + <p class="i2">For braggart human nature's + blindness?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or what—the worser part to view—</p> + + <p class="i2">Of wanton waste and reckless + gambling,</p> + + <p>What darker paths shall he pursue</p> + + <p class="i2">With sacrilegious step and shambling?</p> + + <p>What coarse defiance, haply, hurl</p> + + <p class="i2">At lights beyond his + comprehension—</p> + + <p>An attitudinising churl</p> + + <p class="i2">Who struts with ludicrous pretension.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know not—only this I know,</p> + + <p class="i2">They're getting overstrained, my + ditties,</p> + + <p>This kind of poem ought to flow</p> + + <p class="i2">Less like a solemn "<i>Nunc + Dimittis</i>."</p> + + <p>'Twas jaunty when I struck my lyre,</p> + + <p class="i2">And jaunty seems this yearling baby;</p> + + <p>But, as both year and song expire</p> + + <p class="i2">They're sadder, each, and wiser, + maybe.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.</h2> + + <p>"<i>Hi-tiddley-hi-ti; or, I'm All Right</i>" is heard, "all + over the place," as light sleepers and studious dwellers in + quiet streets are too well aware. Why should it not be enlisted + in the service of Apollo and Momus as well as of the Back Slum + Bacchus? As thus:—</p> + + <h3>No. V.—I-TWADDLEY-HIGH-DRY-HIGH-TONED-I! OK, I'M ALL + RIGHT!</h3> + + <h4>Air—"<i>Hi-Tiddley-Hi-Ti!</i>"</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/13-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">I'm a young writer grimly gay,</p> + + <p class="i2">My volumes sell, and sometimes pay.</p> + + <p>First log-rollers raised a rumour of a rising Star + of Humour,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who had faced the Sphinx called Life,</p> + + <p class="i2">With amusing misery rife,</p> + + <p>So with sin, and woe, and strife, I thought I'd have + a lark.</p> + + <p class="i2">With pessimistic pick I pottered + round</p> + + <p class="i10">Pottered round,</p> + + <p class="i2">A new "funny" trick I quickly found,</p> + + <p class="i10">Smart and sound,</p> + + <p class="i2">Life's cares in hedonistic chuckles + drowned,</p> + + <p class="i10">You be bound!</p> + + <p class="i10">The cynic lay</p> + + <p class="i10">I found would pay,</p> + + <p class="i8">In a young Man of Mark!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">All of you come along with me!</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm for a rare new fine new spree!</p> + + <p>Everybody is delighted when the Philistines are + slighted,</p> + + <p class="i2">All of you come my books to try!</p> + + <p class="i2">I-twaddley-I-ti I-I-I,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ego for ever! Buy! Buy! Buy!</p> + + <p class="i10">And <i>I</i>'m all right!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Down with the West I go; my pen</p> + + <p class="i2">Is bound to "fetch" the Upper Ten,</p> + + <p>With the aid of some "log-rolling," my "distinction" + much extolling.</p> + + <p class="i2">Smart little scribes from near and + far</p> + + <p class="i2">Say, with a sniff, "O here's a Star!"</p> + + <p>DICKENS on fine souls doth jar, THACKERAY is too + dry,</p> + + <p class="i2">But <i>his</i> pessimistic air, rich and + rare,</p> + + <p class="i10">Subtle, fair,</p> + + <p class="i2">Makes Philistia to stare, in a scare,</p> + + <p class="i10">And to blare;</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst true Critics <i>débonnaire</i>, + who are rare,</p> + + <p class="i10">With a <i>flaire</i>,</p> + + <p class="i10">For true humour,</p> + + <p class="i10">Swell of rumour</p> + + <p class="i8">The gregarious cry.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">All of you come along with me!</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll have a rare new fair new + spree!</p> + + <p>Paradox with "sniff" united, Poor Humanity snubbed + and slighted.</p> + + <p class="i2">Humour's new <i>cuvée</i>, extra-dry.</p> + + <p>I-twaddley—high-dry-high-toned I!</p> + + <p>Come and worship the pessimist "I"</p> + + <p class="i10">For <i>that's</i> all right!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">After I've taken the toffish Town,</p> + + <p class="i2">A second edition, at Half-a-crown,</p> + + <p>Seeks the suffrages—(and <i>money</i>, for on + Swelldom you'll go "stoney")—</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the much derided Mob.</p> + + <p class="i2">Yes, the Proletariat "Bob"</p> + + <p>(With the Guinea of the Nob) must aid the Sons of + Light.</p> + + <p class="i2">Gath and Askelon, you see, can give + Me,</p> + + <p class="i10">L.S.D.</p> + + <p class="i2">All true Egoists love those pregnant + letters</p> + + <p class="i10">Mystic Three!</p> + + <p>Flout Philistia with great glee, fair and free,</p> + + <p class="i10">But agree</p> + + <p class="i10">To take its "tin,"</p> + + <p class="i10">Though with a grin</p> + + <p class="i8">Of pessimistic spite.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">All of you come along with me!</p> + + <p class="i2">'ARRY, who loves a fair old spree!</p> + + <p>"Mugwump" with fine <i>morgue</i> delighted, Cynic + at "yearnestness" sore frighted!</p> + + <p class="i2">All of you come my "tap" to try!</p> + + <p class="i2">I-twaddley-high-dry-high-toned I!</p> + + <p>Come along, boys, Buy! Buy! Buy!</p> + + <p class="i10">And <i>I</i>'m all right!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="THE HOME AND THE OPEN SPACE." /></a> + + <h3>THE HOME AND THE OPEN SPACE.</h3><i>Bumble</i> + (<i>loq.</i>). "<i>WOT</i>, GRUMBLE AT BEING EWICTED, AND + FOR THE PUBLIC GOOD? NOW, I CALLS THAT INGRATITOOD! WY, + WE'RE A-GOING TO MAKE THIS INTO A <i>PEOPLE'S + PLEASURE-GROUND</i>, WE ARE!!!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JIM'S JOTTINGS.</h2> + + <h3>No. 1.—DOWN OUR COURT.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>In which Jim Juniper, better known as "Ginger + Jimmy," discourses of Homes and Open Spaces, &c., and, + puts a practical problem to the new "Public Health, and + Housing Committee of the London County Council.</i>")</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My name is GINGER JIMMY, and I live, when I'm to + hum,</p> + + <p>In Rats Rents, the kind o' nay'brood wot the Swells + now calls a Slum.</p> + + <p>I'm a bit thick in the clear, like, and don't quite + know wot they mean,</p> + + <p>But I guess it isn't mansions, and I'm sure it isn't + <i>clean</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They are always on the job now about Slums, and they + do say</p> + + <p>They are going to clear <i>our</i> Court out on the + suddent some fine day.</p> + + <p>Whether it's roads, or railways, or hotels, blowed + if <i>I</i> know;</p> + + <p>Only 'ope they'll give us notice, and some place + where we can go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'One <i>is</i> 'ome, if but a dungheap; if you're + pitchforked out of that,</p> + + <p>And turned loose in chilly London on the scoop, like + a stray cat,</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + + <p>With yer bits o' sticks permiskus in a barrer or a + truck,</p> + + <p>I can tell yer you feels lost like, and fair down + upon yer luck.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Heviction? When you're stoney-broke, your dubs all + hup the spout,</p> + + <p>And you've nix to raise the rent on, I suppose you + <i>must</i> turn hout;</p> + + <p>'Cos without them "rights o' proputty" no country + couldn't jog;</p> + + <p>But that brings a cove small comfort when 'e's + 'ouseless, in a fog!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I 'ave knocked about a middlin' little bit, you bet + I 'ave,</p> + + <p>And I ain't what Barber BIDDLECOMBE would call "a + heasy shave";</p> + + <p>But these Sanitary codgers give me beans, and no + mistake.</p> + + <p>I am fly to most all capers, but don't tumble to + <i>their</i> fake.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Seems to me all sentimental jor and cold chuck-out, + it do.</p> + + <p>They may call their big Committees, and may chat + till all is blue,</p> + + <p>But to shift me till they gives me somethink sweeter + is all rot;</p> + + <p>Better leave my garret winder, and the flower in the + pot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That gerenum there looks proper; which I bought it + of a bloke</p> + + <p>What does the "All a-blowin'!" with a barrer and a + moke;</p> + + <p>And though tuppences is tuppences, I ain't so jolly + sure</p> + + <p>As to spend two-<i>d.</i> upon it were to play the + blooming cure</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>NICKY SPRIGGINS did chi-ike me. Reglar nubbly one is + NOCK,</p> + + <p>With about as much soft feelink as a blessed + butcher's block.</p> + + <p>He'd a made a spiffing Club Swell if he'd ony 'ad + the chink,</p> + + <p>With them lips like a ham sandwidge, and them eyes + as never blink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And <i>I</i> ain't no softy, neither, bet your + buttons. That don't pay,</p> + + <p>For you're 'bliged to keep yer eyes peeled and to + twig the time o' day;</p> + + <p>But I've got a mash on flowers; they are better than + four 'arf,</p> + + <p>Them red blazers in my winder; so let NOCKY 'ave his + larf!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>NOCKY tells me that the Westry means a-clearin' hout + our place</p> + + <p>For to make a bit o' garding, wot they calls a Hopen + Space,</p> + + <p>O <i>I</i> know the sort o' fakement, gravel walks, + a patch o' grass,</p> + + <p>And a sprinkle of young lime-trees of yer Thames + Embankment class.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some bloke spots the place as likely, and praps buys + it on the cheap,</p> + + <p>(Spekylators keeps <i>their</i> lids hup though the + parish nobs may sleep,)</p> + + <p>Pooty soon the pot's a-bilin' about Hopen Spaces. + Yus!</p> + + <p>And the chap as bought the bit o' ground is fust to + raise the fuss.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Recreation for the People, Hopen Playgrounds for the + Young!</p> + + <p>That's the patter of the platformers; and don't they + jest give tongue!</p> + + <p>Well, it's opened with a flourish, and there's + everyone content;</p> + + <p>Pertiklerly the landlords round as nobbles better + rent.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But <i>I</i> don't object to gardings, not + a'mossel—t'other quite;</p> + + <p>As I've said, a bit of green stuff and a flower is + my delight;</p> + + <p>I wish London wos <i>more</i> hopen, and more + greener, and more gay;</p> + + <p>Only people down our Court has got to <i>live</i> as + well as <i>play</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If they clears out the arf acre where we huddles + orful close,</p> + + <p>We must all turn out, that's certain; where we'll + turn to, goodness knows;</p> + + <p>And it won't be werry spashus, the new "Park" won't, + arter all,</p> + + <p>With the graveyard railinks one side, and on t'other + a blank wall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wot we want is decent 'ouses, at a rent as doesn't + take</p> + + <p>'Arf a cove's poor screw to pay it. That <i>'a</i> + the present landlord's fake!</p> + + <p>If they only knowed 'ow 'ard it is to meet "Saint + Monday" square,</p> + + <p>When yer ealth is werry middlin', and the jobs is + werry rare!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>P'raps them Dooks, and Earls, and Marquiges, and + Kernels, wot they states</p> + + <p>Has just clubbed theirselves together to keep down + the bloomin' Rates,</p> + + <p>And to smash the Kounty Kouncil, as they've + bunnicked the Skool Board,</p> + + <p>Jest a few of their hodd moments to <i>our</i> + naybrood might afford.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They <i>must</i> 'ave a feelink 'art towards the + poor, and no mistake,</p> + + <p>Or they wouldn't take sech trouble for the poor + Ratepayers' sake,</p> + + <p>NOCKY SPRIGGENS sez it 'minds 'im of a League of + Loving Cats</p> + + <p>To purtect from traps and pizen the poor mice and + starvin' rats.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Jest like NOCKY's narsty way that is! But if them + Dooks would try</p> + + <p>To assist the Kounty Kouncil in their new + Committee—wy,</p> + + <p>They might 'elp our Health and Housing in a style as + none could mock,</p> + + <p>Give the proud "Pergressives" what-for, and fair put + the shut on NOCK.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Arter all yer Public Garding's little better than a + chouse,</p> + + <p>While the landlord rents yer heart out for a + wretched Privit 'Ouse.</p> + + <p>And yer Hopen Space's pootiness ain't much good to + <i>our</i> sort,</p> + + <p>Who are shut up in the dismal dens called 'Omes, + gents, down our Court.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Philanterpists, and Sanitrys, and Dooks, I do + not mean</p> + + <p>To be rucking upon Charity, or rounding on wot's + clean;</p> + + <p>But <i>if</i> yer wants to 'elp us as has lived so + long in muck,</p> + + <p>The <i>only</i> thing wot's wanted ain't to give us + the clean—chuck!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/15.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15.png" + alt="TAKING HIM RATHER TOO LITERALLY." /></a> + + <h3>TAKING HIM RATHER TOO LITERALLY.</h3> + + <p><i>Sir Biggan Burleigh</i> (<i>who doesn't see why he + shouldn't have a turn in his own house, to very young + Lady</i>). "MISS VIOLET,—ROUND OR SQUARE?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Violet</i> (<i>her first ball, very + bashful</i>). "WELL—REALLY—SIR + BURLEIGH—IF YOU INSIST—I SHOULD + SAY"—(<i>hesitating</i>)—"DECIDEDLY + <i>ROUND</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>'Arry Examined.</h3> + + <p><i>Q.</i> What is meant by "Higher Education?"</p> + + <p><i>'Arry</i>. Getting a Tutor at so much a week. That's the + way <i>I</i> should 'ire education—if I wanted it.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A DEFINITION.—"A pun on a word is a <i>new + sense</i>."—Dr. JOHNSON, Junior.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XXII.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Campo S.S. Giovanni e Paolo. + Afternoon</i>. CULCHARD <i>is leaning against the pedestal + of the Colleoni Statue</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>who has just come out of S. Giovanni, + recognising</i> CULCHARD). Hullo! <i>alone</i>, eh? Thought you + were with Miss TROTTER?</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i>. So I am. That is, she is going over a + metal-worker's show-room close by, and + I—er—preferred the open air. But didn't you say you + were going out with the—er—PRENDERGASTS again?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> So I am. She's in the Church with BOB, so I + said I'd come out and keep an eye on the gondola. Nothing much + to see in <i>there</i>, you know!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with a weary irony</i>). Only the + mausoleums of the Doges—RUSKIN's "Street of the + Tombs"—and a few trifles of that sort!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/16.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16.png" + alt="'I guess you're about the most unselfish Saint on two legs!'" /> + </a>"I guess you're about the most unselfish Saint on two + legs!" + </div> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> That's all. And I'm feeling a bit done, you + know. Been doing the Correr Museum all the morning, and not + lunched yet! So Miss TROTTER's looking at ornamental + metal-work? Rather fun that, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> For those who enjoy it. She has only been in + there an hour, so she is not likely to come back just yet. What + do you say to coming into S.S. Giovanni e Paolo again, with + <i>me</i>? Those tombs form a really remarkable illustration, + as RUSKIN points out, of the gradual decay of—</p> + + <p><i>Miss Trotter</i> (<i>suddenly flutters up, followed by an + attendant carrying a studded halberd, an antique gondola-hook, + and two copper water-buckets—all of which are consigned + to the disgusted</i> CULCHARD). Just hold these a spell till I + come back. Thanks ever so much.... Well, Mr. PODBURY! Aren't + you going to admire my purchases? They're real antique—or + if they aren't, they'll wear all the better.... There, I + believe I'll just have to run back a minute—don't you put + those things in the gondola yet, Mr. CULCHARD, or they'll get + stolen.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She flutters off.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>helplessly, as he holds the halberd, + &c.</i>). I suppose I shall have to stay <i>here</i> now. + You're not going?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>consulting his watch</i>). Must. Promised + old BOB I'd relieve guard in ten minutes. Ta-ta!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He goes; presently</i> BOB PRENDERGAST <i>lounges + out of the church.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If I could only make a friend of <i>him</i>! + (<i>To</i> BOB.) Ah, PRENDERGAST! lovely afternoon, isn't it? + Delicious breeze!</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. (<i>shortly</i>). Can't say. Not had much of it, + at present.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You find these old churches rather oppressive, + I daresay. Er—will you have a cigarette? [<i>Tenders + case.</i></p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. Thanks; got a pipe. (<i>He lights it.</i>) + Where's Miss TROTTER?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> She will be here presently. By the way, my + dear PRENDERGAST, this—er—misunderstanding between + your sister and her is very unfortunate.</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. I know that well enough. It's none of <i>my</i> + doing! And <i>you</i>'ve no reason to complain, at all + events!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Quite so. Only, you see, we <i>used</i> to be + good friends at Constance, and—er—until + recently—</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. Used we? Of course, if you say so, it's all + right. But what are you driving at exactly?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> All I am driving at is this: Couldn't we + two—er—agree to effect a reconciliation between the + two ladies? So much pleasanter for—er—all + parties!</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. I daresay. But how are you going to set about + it? <i>I</i> can't begin.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Couldn't you induce your sister to lay aside + her—er—prejudice against me? Then <i>I</i> could + easily—</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. Very likely—but I <i>couldn't</i>. I never + interfere in my sister's affairs, and, to tell you the honest + truth, I don't feel particularly inclined to make a beginning + on your account. [<i>Strolls away.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). What a surly boor it is! + But I don't care—I'll do him a good turn, in spite of + himself! (Miss T. <i>returns</i>.) Do you know, I've just been + having a chat with poor young PRENDERGAST. He seems quite cut + up at being forced to side with his sister. I undertook + to—er—intercede for him. Now is it quite fair, or + like your—er—usual good-nature, to visit his + sister's offences—whatever they are—on him? + I—I only put it to you.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Well, to think now! I guess you're about the + most unselfish Saint on two legs! Now some folks would have + felt jealous.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Possibly—but I cannot accuse myself of + such a failing as that.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I'd just like to hear you accuse yourself of + <i>any</i> failing! I don't see however you manage to act so + magnanimous and live. I told you I wanted to study your + character, and I believe it isn't going to take me vurry much + longer to make up my mind about <i>you</i>. You <i>don't</i> + suppose I'll have any time for Mr. PRENDERGAST after getting + such a glimpse into your nature? There, help me into the + gondola, and don't talk any more about it. Tell him to go to + Salviati's right away.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>dejectedly, to himself</i>). I've bungled + it! I might have <i>known</i> I should only make matters + worse!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>On the Piazzetta; it is moonlight, the Campanile and + dome of San Giorgio Maggiore are silhouetted sharp and + black against the steel-blue sky across a sea of silver + ripples.</i> PODBURY <i>and</i> CULCHARD <i>are pacing + slowly arm-in-arm between the two columns.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> And so you went on to S. Giovanni in Bragora, + eh? then over the Arsenal, and rowed across the lagoons to see + the Armenian convent? A delightful day, my dear PODBURY! I hope + you—er—appreciate the inestimable privileges + of—of seeing Venice so thoroughly?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, of course it's very jolly. Find I get a + trifle mixed afterwards, though. And, between ourselves, I + wouldn't mind—now and then, you know—just dawdling + about among the shops and people, as you and the TROTTERS + do!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> That has its charms, no doubt. But don't you + find Miss PRENDERGAST a mine of information on Italian Art and + History?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Don't I just—rather too <i>deep</i> for + me, y' know! I say, isn't Miss TROTTER immense sport in the + shops and that!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> She is—er—vivacious, certainly. + (PODBURY <i>sighs</i>.) You seem rather dull to-night, my dear + fellow?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Not dull—a trifle out of sorts, that's + all. Fact is, I don't think Venice agrees with me. All this + messing about down beastly back-courts and canals and in stuffy + churches—it <i>can't</i> be healthy, you know! And + they've <i>no</i> drainage. I only hope I haven't caught + something, as it is. I've that kind of sinking feeling, and a + general lowness—<i>She</i> says I lunch too + heavily—but I swear it's more than that!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Nonsense, you're well enough. And why you + should feel low, with all your advantages—in Venice as + you are, and in constant intercourse with a mind adorned with + every feminine gift!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Hul-lo! why, I thought you called her a + pedantic prig?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If I used such a term at all, it was in no + disparaging sense. Every earnest nature presents + an—er—priggish side at times. I know that even I + myself have occasionally, and by people who didn't <i>know</i> + me, of course, been charged with priggishness.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Have you, though? But of course there's nothing + of that about <i>her</i>. Only—well, it don't signify. + [<i>He sighs.</i></p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" + id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Ah, PODBURY, take the good the gods provide + you and be content! You might be worse off, believe me!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>discontentedly</i>). It's all very well for + <i>you</i> to talk—with Miss TROTTER all to yourself. I + suppose you're regularly engaged by this time, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Not quite. There's still a ——. And + your probation, that's practically at an end?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I don't know. Can't make her out. She wouldn't + sit on me the way she does unless she <i>liked</i> me, I + suppose. But I say, it must be awf—rather jolly for you + with Miss TROTTER? She's got so much <i>go</i>, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You used to say she wasn't what you call + cultivated.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I know I did. That's just what I like about + her! At least—well, we <i>both</i> ought to think + ourselves uncommonly lucky beggars, I'm sure! [<i>He sighs more + heavily than ever.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You especially, my dear PODBURY. In fact, I + doubt if you're half grateful enough!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>snappishly</i>). Yes, I am, I tell you. + <i>I</i>'m not grumbling, am I? I know as well as you do she's + miles too good for me. Haven't I <i>said</i> so? Then what the + devil do you keep on nagging at me for, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I am glad you see it in that light. Aren't you + a little irritable to-night?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> No, I'm not. It's those filthy canals. And the + way you talk—as if a girl like Miss TROTTER + wasn't—!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I really can't allow you to lecture me. I am + not insensible to my good-fortune—if others are. Now + we'll drop the subject.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I'm willing enough to drop it. And I shall turn + in now—it's late. You coming?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Not yet. Good-night. (<i>To himself, as</i> + PODBURY <i>departs</i>.) You insensate <i>dolt</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Good-night! (<i>To himself, as he swings + off.</i>) Confounded patronising <i>prig</i>!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HUMPTY-DUMPTY UP AGAIN!</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/17-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/17-1.png" + alt="Little Tich and the Fine Fairy." /></a>Little + Tich and the Fine Fairy. + </div> + + <p>That hardy annual known as The Drury Lane Pantomime is in + full vigour this year, its flowers of a more brilliant colour + than ever, and its leaves, as evidenced by the book of words, + are fresh and vigorous. In no other sense, however, does the + Drury Lane Pantomime bear any resemblance to "a plant." There + is no "take in" about it, except that even big Old Drury is not + capable of holding all who would be present; and so it happens + nightly I believe, that many are turned away from the doors + bitterly disappointed. Such certainly was the case when the + present deponent was installed,—without any unnecessary + ceremony,—on a certain given night last week. "The book" + is by the Every-knightly DRURIOLANUS and his faithful Esquire, + HARRY NICHOLLS, who, much to everybody's regret, does not on + this occasion appear as one of the exponents of his own work. + There are Miss FANNIE LESLIE—too much "ie" in this name + now, and one may ask "for why"?—Miss MARIE (not + "MARY"—oh dear now!) LLOYD, Miss PATTIE—not PATTY + of course—HEYWOOD, Mr. JOHN and Miss EMMA (dear me! + <i>not</i> EMMIE!) D'AUBAN, and Messrs. HERBERT CAMPBELL as a + grotesque monarch, Mr. DAN LENO as <i>Queen of Hearts</i>, Mr. + FRED WALTON, wonderful in a frame as the living image of the + <i>Knave of Hearts</i>, and a crowd of clever people. But among + the entire <i>dramatis personæ</i>, first and foremost, both + the least and the greatest, is the impersonator of + <i>Humpty-Dumpty</i> himself, the <i>Yellow Dwarf</i> alias + Little TICH, who shares with the gorgeous spectacle and the + exquisite combination of colours in Scene Eight, <i>The + Wedding</i>, the first honours of the Great Drury Lane Annual. + It is emphatically a Pantomime for children to see and to + enjoy. The action is so rapid, song succeeds dance, and dance + succeeds song, and permutations and combinations of colour are + so brilliant and so frequent, that anyone who wants full change + for his money and a bonus into the bargain, will find it in the + return he will get for his outlay on visiting the Drury Lane + Annual. And now about the Harlequinade. The "Opening," as it + used to be called, which, terminating with the Grand + Transformation Scene, ought to be, theoretically at least, only + the introduction to the real business of the evening, that is, + the "Pantomime business," concludes at 10·45, and allows + three-quarters of an hour for what is called "the Double + Harlequinade"—which consists of one old-fashioned English + Pantomime-scene, followed by a comparatively modern—for + 'tis not absolutely "new and original"—French + Pantomime-scene, and this arrangement seems like, so to speak, + pitting English Joey against French Pierrot. This friendly + rivalry has had the effect of waking up the traditional + Grimaldian spirit of Pantomime, and Mr. HARRY PAYNE's scene, + besides coming earlier than usual, is, in itself, full of fun + of the good old school-boyish kind; and if the Public, as Jury, + is to award a palm to either competitor, then it must give a + hand—which is much the same thing as "awarding a + palm"—to its old friend, HARRY PAYNE, who, with TULLY + LEWIS as <i>Pantaloon</i>, has pulled himself together, and + given us a good quarter of an hour of genuine Old English + Pantomime, compared with which the other, though its fooling is + excellent in its own way, is only comic <i>ballet d'action</i> + after the style of <i>Fun in a Fog</i>. I think that was the + title, but am not sure, of the gambols with which the + MARTINETTI <i>troupe</i> used to entertain us. The new and + improved style of ballet-dancing introduced by the now + celebrated <i>pas de quatre</i> at the Gaiety, is charming, as + here and now represented by Miss MABEL LOVE and her graceful + companions.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/17-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/17-2.png" + alt="''Fin de siècle' Clown! Why I've seen that sort o' thing done years ago, when I was a boy!'" /> + </a>"'<i>Fin de siècle</i>' Clown! Why I've seen that sort + o' thing done years ago, when I was a boy!" + </div> + + <p>To sum up; as the inspired poet of the immortal ode on Guy + Fawkes' Day saw no reason why that particular treason should + ever be forgot, so I, but uninspired, and only mortal, am + unable to ascertain the existence of any objection to the + opinion that this Pantomime possesses staying power sufficient + to carry itself on for an extra long run of several months over + Easter, and, maybe, up to Whitsuntide. There is but one + DRURIOLANUS, and the Pantomime is his Profit! The two authors + have achieved what "all the King's horses and all the King's + men" (not of Cambridge, of course) could not effect!—they + have set <i>Humpty-Dumpty</i> on his legs again! And so + congratulations to "all concerned"! And, without prejudice to + Sir DRURIOLANUS,</p> + + <p class="author">I beg to sign myself,<br /> + THE OTHER KNIGHT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Lay of the Analytic Novelist.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It is not the patent, obvious results of the inner + working of mind on which the modern novelist dwells, it is + on that inner working itself."—<i>Daily + Chronicle</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That odd barrel-organ, the human mind,</p> + + <p class="i2">I love to explore; 'tis the analyst's + lune;</p> + + <p>But if I can only contrive to find</p> + + <p>How the pipes will grunt, and the handle will + grind,</p> + + <p class="i2">I don't care a fig for the + <i>tune</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"HIT ONE OF YOUR OWN SIZE."—About the ups or downs of + the Alexandra Palace, Mr. SHAW LEFEVRE shouldn't have a row + with a LITTLER, specially when the LITTLER, who if he, with his + friends, take over the lease of the Alexandra themselves, will + then be a Lessor, is pretty sure to get the best of the + discussion.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BY A THOUGHTFUL PHILOSOPHER.—Any remedy against London + fogs must involve a grate change.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" + id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/18.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/18.png" + alt="A GREAT DRAWBACK." /></a> + + <h3>A GREAT DRAWBACK.</h3> + + <p><i>Dougal</i> (<i>with all his native contempt for the + Londoner</i>). "AYE, MON, AN' HE'S NO A BAD SHOT?"</p> + + <p><i>Davie</i>. "'DEED AN' HE'S A VERRA <i>GUID</i> + SHOT."</p> + + <p><i>Dougal</i>. "HECH! IT'S AN AWFU' PEETIE HE'S A + LONDONER!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE NEW MONITOR; OR, JOSEPH'S JOBATION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It is reasonable to assume that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will + at once perceive how his position has been altered by + becoming the head of a party including many shades of + opinion, instead of being, as he has been, the spokesman of + a small set of politicians, earnest, no doubt, and active, + but not quite in sympathy with all those who shared their + fortunes."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + + <p>"The arrangements consequent on Lord HARTINGTON's + succession to the Peerage have very much narrowed the + freedom previously enjoyed by the Member for West + Birmingham, and, in a corresponding degree, enlarged the + sphere of his responsibilities.... The Statesman who has to + act as guide and moderator at St. Stephen's will be + careful, no doubt, not to compromise his authority by any + indiscreet or extravagant insistance on remote and + contentious issues."—<i>The Standard</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>St. Stephen's School. Present</i>, Doctor + T., <i>Principal</i>, Mrs. S., <i>Matron, and</i> Master + JOE, <i>Pupil, lately promoted to Monitorship in the Lower + School.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Doctor T.</i> Ahem! And so, JOSEPH, we have to + congratulate you upon your—a—a—promotion!</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>coolly</i>). You are very good, Sir, + I'm sure. [<i>Whistles.</i></p> + + <p><i>Doctor T.</i> Not at all, JOSEPH, not at all. That is to + say—ahem!—you doubtless deserve it.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. S.</i> Doubtless deserve it, JOSEPH! I always + <i>said</i> you would turn out a better boy than, at one time + I—that is to say, <i>many</i>—expected. It is a + great consolation to me, JOSEPH, after all the care—</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>aside</i>). And the numerous + jobations!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. S.</i> That I—that we have bestowed upon you, + to find—ahem!—our best hopes so amply + fulfilled.</p> + + <p><i>Dr. T.</i> <i>Fulfilled</i>, JOSEPH; whether amply or not + it remains for you to prove.</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>carelessly</i>). All right, Sir, + <i>I</i>'ll prove it fast enough.</p> + + <p><i>Dr. T.</i> I trust so, JOSEPH, I trust so, though "fast + enough" is <i>hardly</i> the phrase <i>I</i> should have + adopted, or—ahem!—recommended,—in the + circumstances!</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Is there a word wants nobleness and grace,</p> + + <p>Devoid of weight, nor worthy of high place?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>You know what our excellent HORACE bids you do in such a + case.</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>aside</i>). Bothersome old + <i>Blimber</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. S.</i> Yes, JOSEPH, slanginess, carelessness and + extravagance of speech will not befit your present position, + you know.</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i>. (<i>aside</i>). Prosy old + <i>Pipchin</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Dr. T.</i> You could not, JOSEPH, put before you a better + model than the boy whose post you assume, in consequence of his + going to the Upper School; young HARTY, I mean, a boy who was + ever a pattern of propriety, and one absolutely to be depended + upon to maintain the prestige of the school, + and—ahem!—the authority of the Masters, in every + contingency.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. S.</i> In <i>every</i> contingency, JOSEPH. How + unlike that talented, but untrustworthy, senior of his, and of + yours, WILL GLADSTONE; a lad whose leadership you once + acknowledged, but whose pernicious influence, I am happy to + find, you have lately quite cast off.</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>knowingly</i>). Rather! Where there's + a WILL there's a way; and WILL thought it must always be + <i>his</i> way. But "not for JOE!"</p> + + <p><i>Dr. T.</i> Again, JOSEPH, is not + that—ahem!—quotation from the popular minstrelsy of + our time a <i>leetle</i> reminiscent of ruder, and more Radical + days?</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i>. Perhaps so, Sir, perhaps so. Let me then + say that "<i>Ego primam tollo, nominor quoniam Leo</i>" is a + very pretty maxim for lions—and jackals. The former + <i>rôle</i> I may not yet have risen to, but I'm hanged if I'll + stoop to the latter.</p> + + <p><i>Dr. T.</i> Quite so, quite so! At any rate, not in such a + questionable <i>Leonina Societas</i>. Remember, also, JOSEPH, + what an awful example you have in young GRANDOLPH, with whom, + at one time, you seemed a little intimate. You have only to + reflect upon <i>his fiasco</i>, "to have the counsels of + prudence borne in imperatively upon your mind, and the lesson + will not be the less impressively taught if it is remembered + that GRANDOLPH will be on the spot to take note of and profit + by any mistakes that may be committed by his more deserving and + successful rival."</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>aside</i>). Lessons all round, eh? + Seems to me all this grandmotherly advice is wondrous like a + "wigging" in disguise. Perhaps they'll find I'm better at + teaching than learning.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. S.</i> <i>Cavendo tutus</i>, JOSEPH, safe by + caution. The motto of your predecessor. You cannot do better + than take it as your own.</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>innocently</i>). Think not, Ma'am? I + fancy every man ought to have his <i>own</i> motto. Now + <i>I</i> was thinking of <i>Cede + nullis</i>!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" + id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/19.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/19.png" + alt="THE NEW MONITOR." /></a> + + <h3>THE NEW MONITOR.</h3>DR. TIMES. "YOU'RE A CLEVER BOY, + JOE, AND WE CONGRATULATE YOU; BUT NOW YOU'RE IN A POSITION + OF RESPONSIBILITY,—AHEM!—YOU + MUST—AHEM!—BEHAVE YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY!" + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + + <p><i>Doctor T.</i> Tut—tut—tut, JOSEPH! + Inappropriate,—in your <i>present</i> position. You will + have to yield to <i>many</i>,—to those in authority over + you, in fact. "Leaders! (and Monitors) have to subordinate + their personal tastes, and even their individual convictions, + to an enlarged conception of the general advantage."</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. S.</i> Yes, JOE, don't, whatever you do, compromise + your authority by any indiscreet or extravagant + insistance—</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>quickly, though with becoming + gravity</i>). Quite so, Ma'am! <i>Very</i> true, Sir! My + "conceptions," I may say, have "enlarged" considerably of late, + since I have found (as Mrs. S. well says) "how much of my + antipathy" (to the powers that be) "was sheer prejudice." And, + as to "the general advantage," I am sanguine that I shall find + it consonant—if not identical—with my own.</p> + + <p><i>Doctor T.</i> (<i>dubiously</i>). Humph! Suppose you say + <i>yours</i> with <i>it</i>, JOSEPH?</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>airily</i>). As you please, Sir. + Things which are equal to the same thing are equal to one + another, you know.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. S.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Smart boy, very! I fancy I + should have more confidence in him if he were a little + <i>less</i> so.</p> + + <p><i>Doctor T.</i> (<i>gravely</i>). You see, JOSEPH, there + are some things in your earlier school career which your + well-wishers would fain—forget. You were rather what is + called, I think, "a young Radical" once, not to say "a bit of a + pickle." You seemed not altogether out of sympathy with such + revolutionary proceedings as "revolts" and "barring-outs," and + even talked once, if I remember rightly, of putting the + Principals "to ransom"—doctrines better worthy of a + Calabrian brigand than of a public school-boy. But let bygones + <i>be</i> bygones. Now that you are in a position of + responsibility and—respectability, you will, of course, + abandon all such revolutionary rubbish, and think not of + yourself, but others; consider less the wild wishes of your + inferiors than the wise commands of your betters.</p> + + <p><i>Master Joe</i> (<i>solemnly</i>). Oh, of <i>course</i>, + Sir! And now, if you, <i>Dr. Poloni</i>—ahem!—Dr. + T., and <i>Mrs. Pip</i>—I mean Mrs. S., have <i>quite</i> + finished your wig—I should say wise counsellings, I think + I'll—go out and play! [<i>Does so.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>DYNAMITICAL ARGUMENTS.—The Apostles of "the Gospel of + Dynamite" would, if they could, speedily convert a whole + town—into a ruin.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/21.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21.png" + alt="A STARTLING PROPOSITION." /></a> + + <h3>A STARTLING PROPOSITION.</h3><i>Seedy Individual</i> + (<i>suddenly and with startling vigour</i>)—"AOH? + FLOY WITH ME ERCROSS THER SEA, ERCROSS THER DORK LERGOON!!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>With a spice of <i>Tristram Shandy</i>, a dash of + <i>Ferdinand Count Fathom</i>, and none the worse for the + quaint flavouring thus given to the style and manner of the + romance, <i>The Blue Pavilions</i> by "Q." is about as good a + tale of rapid dramatic and exciting adventure as the Baron + remembers to have read,—for some time at least. There is + in it little enough of love, though that little is well and + prettily told, but there is no lack of fighting at long odds + and at short intervals, of hairbreadth escapes, and of such + chances by land and sea as keep the reader, all agog, hurrying + on from point to point, anxious to see what is to happen next, + and how the expected is to eventuate unexpectedly. The story is + for the most part told in a humorous + devil-may-care-believe-it-or-not-as-you-like sort of way which + compels attention, occasionally raises a smile, and always + excites curiosity. As a one-barrel novel, this ought to score a + gold right in the centre.</p> + + <p>The writer of a little leader in the <i>Daily News</i> of + last Wednesday seems to have been rather hard-up for a subject + when he fell foul of the Messrs. MACMILLAN's cheap re-issue of + <i>A Jest-Book</i>, compiled many years ago by <i>Mr. + Punch's</i> MARK LEMON, "Uncle MARK," who brought the ancient + <i>Joe Miller</i> up to that particular date. It was the last + of the jest-books, and they are now quite out of fashion. A + quarter of a century hence, no doubt, the fortunate possessor + of one of these little books will come out with many a new + jest, and be esteemed quite an original wit.</p> + + <p>It would have been well for the writer of the + above-mentioned leaderette had he referred to the ninth of + ELIA's <i>Popular Fallacies</i>, and been thereby reminded how + "a pun is a pistol let off at the ear; and not a feather to + tickle the intellect." The Baron is prepared to admit that the + lesson to be learned from this delightful Essay of CHARLES + LAMB's is, that a pun once let off, has fizzled off, and cannot + be repeated with its first effect. Now the honest historian of + this, or of any pun, must reproduce in his narrative all the + circumstances of time, place, and individuality that gave it + its point; but the effect of the pun, the Baron ventures to + think, it is impossible to convey in print to the reader, read + he never so wisely, nor however vividly graphic may be the + description. Yet if this same reader possesses the art of + reading aloud, with some approach to the dramatic Dickensian + manner, then, given an appreciative audience, it is probable + that the pun itself would not lose much in recital. At best, + however, the crispness of the original salt is impaired, though + the flavour is not lost by keeping, and the enjoyment of it + must depend on the new seasoning provided by the reciter. Of + course, its piquancy may have been staled by too frequent + use—but "this is another story." After all, is a + jest-book meant to be taken seriously? A question which + "<i>nous donne à penser</i>," quoth</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOGGED!</h2> + + <p>Blest if I know where I am in this murkiness made to benight + us, Blest if I know what it means, this infernal Impressionist + etching;</p> + + <p>Surely some WHISTLER renowned in the gibbering realms of + Cocytus Drew it—and draws us along through its avenues + ghostlily stretching.</p> + + <p>Lights flicker out in the gloom, like diminutive goblins + that beckon; Onward we stagger and gasp in the grip of this + emanence deadly:</p> + + <p>How I would curse if I could, but not RABELAIS even I reckon + Language could find, or a voice if he wished for the sulphurous + medley.</p> + + <p>Blest if I know who you are, wicked giant, colossal above + me, Pluto perchance or, that fell spirit-ferryman, Charon + uprising!</p> + + <p>Blest if I know if survives in this demon-land anything of + me, Blest!—It's a lamp-post, by George—a reality + somewhat surprising!</p> + + <p>London, how long shall thy sons rue this Angel of Death with + his grim bow, Suffer this nightmare to last by its pestilence + mangled and throttled?</p> + + <p>Would magic Science could scare the black vista to luridest + Limbo, Would that fresh breezes were tinned and the sunshine of + Italy bottled!!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/22.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/22.png" + alt="MISS TWELFTHNIGHT AND HER CHARACTERS FOR 1892." /> + </a> + + <h3>MISS TWELFTHNIGHT AND HER CHARACTERS FOR 1892.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <h3>THEFT <i>v.</i> THRIFT.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The Economic Man, whose sole motive was selfishness, + was created by ADAM SMITH."—<i>Daily News</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A century's gone, and still wiseacres plan</p> + + <p>A future for the Economic Man;</p> + + <p>But one fatality strikes us as comical,—</p> + + <p>That—up to now—he is not + <i>economical</i>!</p> + + <p>The soulless thing whose motor sole is Self,</p> + + <p>Squanders, as well as snatches, sordid pelf.</p> + + <p>Perhaps if he could use as well as steal,</p> + + <p>The common wealth might prove the common weal.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S NEW-YEAR HONOURS, GIFTS, GOOD WISHES, AND + GREETINGS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Conferred by him, without</i> "<i>Official + Notification</i>.")</h4> + + <p><i>To Her Most Gracious Majesty</i>.—The Queendom of + his heart.</p> + + <p><i>To the Duke of Clarence, and the Princess + May</i>.—A Bridal Quick March.</p> + + <p><i>To Prince George of Wales</i>.—A Clean Bill of + Health.</p> + + <p><i>To Prince Christian</i>.—"Eyes right!"</p> + + <p><i>To Mr. Gladstone</i>.—Freedom <i>from</i> the City, + its fogs, and politics.</p> + + <p><i>To the Duke of Devonshire</i>.—A Peerage, and the + right successor in Rossendale.</p> + + <p><i>To Mr. Chamberlain</i>.—His Cartoon for the + week.</p> + + <p><i>To Mr. Balfour</i>.—An Irish "Order."</p> + + <p><i>To Lord Randolph Churchill</i>.—"Something new + <i>out of</i> Africa."</p> + + <p><i>To the Peerage</i>.—General Sir FREDERICK ROBERTS. + (The greatest "honour" of the lot, by Jove!)</p> + + <p><i>To Henry Irving</i>.—"A Health to the King" (HARRY + THE EIGHTH), and any number of Nights' (run).</p> + + <p><i>To Johnny Toole</i>.—Rapid recovery, and "another + kind love" from <i>Toole-le-Monde</i>!</p> + + <p><i>To Mr. Punch's Young Men</i>.—Privy Councillorships + (to the Public) all round.</p> + + <p><i>To Everybody</i>.—A Happy New Volume!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A QUESTION OF PRECEDENCE, BUT NOT A PRECEDENT.—It is a + gracious act on the part of a Cabman, when, at a dinner-party, + he gives the <i>pas</i> to an Omnibus-driver, at the same time + courteously explaining this waiver of rights by saying that "at + the present moment he is not standing on his rank."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE COMPLEMENTS OF THE SEASON."—Christmas Boxes.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/23-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-1.png" + alt="SUPERIOR EDUCATION." /></a> + + <h3>SUPERIOR EDUCATION.</h3> + + <p><i>Page Boy</i> (<i>to Jeames</i>). "WHERE SHALL I PUT + THISH 'ER DISH OF AMMONDS?"</p> + + <p><i>Jeames</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). "I'M SURPRISED, + HARTHUR, THAT AT YOUR HAGE YOU 'AVEN'T LEARNT 'OW TO + PERNOUNCE THE <i>R</i> IN HARMONDS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/23-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>In continuation of his interesting notes of incidents + connected with the gathering of Ministers for the last Cabinet + Council, Our Special Reporter states that the only + <i>contretemps</i> arose in connection with the arrival of Mr. + GOSCHEN. On alighting from his <i>coupé</i> the CHANCELLOR of + the EXCHEQUER handed the driver a dirty crumpled piece of + paper.</p> + + <p>"Hi! wot's this?" shouted the Cabman.</p> + + <p>"A one-pound note," said the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, + blandly; "give me the change."</p> + + <p>"Oh, no you don't," said the Cabman; "you try that on in the + City, young feller. This is too far West."</p> + + <p>Mr. GOSCHEN, evidently annoyed, carefully selected a + worn-out shilling, and tossing it to the man, stalked haughtily + into the Treasury. A moment later he hurriedly opened the door + and looked out for the Cabman, but he had gone. It was + understood, Our Reporter says, that the Right Hon. Gentleman + had thought of a repartee.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Morning Papers announce, with tantalising brevity, that + "Lord STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL has (<i>sic</i>) returned to + Bruton Street from Berlin." We are in a position to add that + the occasion of the noble Lords' journey to Berlin was of + international interest. It is no secret at the Foreign Office + that their Lordships have for some time been uneasy at the turn + events are taking in the East. They have endeavoured to + disguise from each other their perturbed feelings. But + STRATHEDEN felt that CAMPBELL's eye was upon him, whilst + CAMPBELL at last abandoned the futile effort of dissembling his + uneasiness under the cold steel-grey glance of STRATHEDEN. They + finally agreed that the best thing they could do was to set + forth for Berlin, making secret <i>détours</i> in order to call + at other of the principal capitals, and confer with the Foreign + Ministers. The result, we are pleased to learn, has been most + beneficial, and has, so to speak, contributed a hodful of + mortar to the foundation on which rests the peace of + Europe.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is disposed to regard HOMER as over-rated. + The only book of his she ever read, she says, is <i>Bombastical + Furioso</i>, and certainly that did not assuage her appetite + for any more.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. STEAD has been taking into his confidence a universe + thrilled with interest, with respect to certain presentiments + which from time to time have struck his mind. One he dates in + October, 1883, at which time he was sub-editor of an evening + journal which Mr. JOHN MORLEY then edited. He had, he records, + a presentiment that at an early approaching date, Mr. MORLEY + would have quitted the establishment—dead Mr. STEAD + genially anticipated—and that he would reign in Stead. In + view of the public interest involved in these confessions, we + have interviewed a certain Right Hon. Gentleman as to his + susceptibility to presentiments.</p> + + <p>"Well," he replied, "they are not usual with me; but I + remember that for some time before the date mentioned, I felt + that either Mr. STEAD or I must leave the paper."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the earliest volumes issued in connection with the + newly-devised Automatic Library in use on some lines of + Railway, is entitled <i>Beyond Escape</i>. We understand that + subsequent volumes will be <i>Dashed to Pieces</i>, <i>The + Broken Bridge</i>, <i>The Sprained Axle</i>, <i>The Wheelbox on + Fire</i>, <i>The Gordon Guard</i>, <i>The Cruel Cowcatcher; or, + Cut in Twain</i>, <i>The Colour-Blind Signalman</i>, and + <i>Shunted and Shattered</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" + id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> + + <h2>CROSSED-EXAMINATION.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/24-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>OLD STYLE.—<i>Nervous</i> Witness <i>about to + leave the box, when his progress is arrested by</i> Counsel + <i>on the other side.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Counsel</i> (<i>sharply</i>). Now, Sir, do you know the + value of an oath?</p> + + <p><i>Witness</i> (<i>taken aback</i>). Why, yes—of + course.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> (<i>pointing at him</i>). Come, no + prevarication! Do you understand the value, or do you not?</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> (<i>confused</i>). If you will allow me to + explain—?</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> Come, Sir, you surely can answer Yes or + No—now which is it?</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> But you will not let me explain—</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> Don't be impertinent, Sir! Explanation is + unneeded. Mind, you have been sworn, so if you <i>don't</i> + know the value of an oath, it will be the worse for you.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> But you won't let me speak.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> Won't let you speak! Why, I can't get a word + out of you. Now, Sir—in plain English—are you a + liar or not?</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> (<i>appealing to</i> Judge). Surely, my Lord, he + has no right to speak to me like this?</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i>. Be good enough to answer the Counsel's + questions. I have nothing to do with it.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> Now, Sir—once more; are you a liar, or + are you not?</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> I don't think that's the way to speak to + me—</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> Don't bully me, Sir! You are here to tell us + the truth, or as much of it as you can.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> But surely you ought to—</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> Don't tell me what I ought to do, Sir. Again; + are you a liar, or are you not?</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> Please tell me how I am to reply to such a + question?</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> You are not there to ask me questions, Sir, but + to answer <i>my</i> questions to <i>you</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> Well. I decline to reply.</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>to</i> Witness). Now you had better be + careful. If you do not answer the questions put to you, it will + be within my right to send you to gaol for contempt of + Court.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> Now you hear what his Lordship says, and now, + once more, are you a liar, or are you not?</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> (<i>confused</i>). I don't know.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> (<i>to Jury</i>). He doesn't know! I need ask + nothing further! [<i>Sits down.</i></p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>to Judge</i>). May we not ask, my Lord, + how you consider this case is being conducted?</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i>. With pleasure. Gentlemen! I will repeat what I + remarked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word + that will describe the matter is "noble." Distinctly noble!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon despair of</i> Witness.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>NEW STYLE.—<i>Arrogant</i> Witness <i>about to + leave the box, when his progress is arrested by</i> Counsel + <i>on the other side.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> I presume. Sir, that—</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> (<i>sharply</i>). You have no right to presume. + Ask me what you want, and have done with it.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> (<i>amiably</i>). I think we shall get on + better—more quickly—if you kindly attend to my + questions.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> Think so? Well, it's a matter of opinion. But, + as I have an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask + what you are instructed to ask, and settle the matter + off-hand.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> If you will allow me to speak—</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> Speak!—I like that! Why I can't get a + rational word out of you!</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> (<i>appealing to Judge</i>). Surely, my Lord, + he has no right to speak to me like this?</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i>. Be good enough to attend to the Witness. I + have nothing to do with it.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Now, Sir, am I to wait all + day?</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> (<i>mildly</i>). I really venture to suggest + that is not quite the tone to adopt.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> Don't bully me, Sir! I am here to answer any + questions you like to put, always supposing that you have any + worth answering.</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> But come—surely you ought to—</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> I am not here to learn my duty from you, Sir. + You don't know your subject, Sir. How long have you been + called?</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> I decline to reply.</p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>to</i> Counsel). Now you had really better + be careful. I wish to treat the Bar with every respect, but if + you waste any more time I shall feel strongly inclined to bring + your conduct before your Benchers.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> You hear what his Lordship says. What are you + going to do next?</p> + + <p><i>Coun.</i> (<i>confused</i>). I don't know.</p> + + <p><i>Wit.</i> (<i>to</i> Jury). He doesn't know! I needn't + stay here any longer.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>"Stands" down.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>to</i> Jury). May I ask you, Gentlemen, how + you consider this case is being conducted?</p> + + <p><i>Foreman of the Jury</i>. With pleasure, my Lord. We were + all using the same word which exactly describes the situation. + We consider the deportment of the Witness "noble." Distinctly + noble.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon despair of</i> Counsel.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT IN A FOG!</h2> + + <p>Well, if we ain't a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel + London Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did + have one. As for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally + female ones, Well, it's about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let + alone a hard-workin, middel-aged Husband, stark staring + mad!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/24-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-2.png" + alt="Robert." /></a> + </div> + + <p>However, thank goodness, I've got one werry grand xception, + and he reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer.</p> + + <p>I need ardly say as it's my old Amerrycan friend, who has + cum back to the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel + London Winter is like, and he bears it all, fog and all, + splendidly. He was jest in time to see Lord MARE's Sho from one + of our best front winders, and if he didn't sit there and larf + away as the pore soddened and soaked persession parsed by, + speshally at the Lord MARE's six gennelmen with their padded + carves and pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman larf. + "Why on earth, Mr. ROBERT," he says to me, "why don't they have + it in the bewtifool Summer, for it's reelly a very splendid + performunce?" To which I replied, rather smartly, becoz I was + naterally rayther cross, "Becoz it has allers bin held on the + same honnerd day since the rain of Lord Mare ALLWINE, who + rained sewen hunderd years ago." "And has probably rained ewer + since," he larfingly replied, as he went out.</p> + + <p>He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware + amost ewery nite afore the Fog begun; but that rayther tried + him, speshally in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to + tell him, from my long xperience, what was the best posserbel + Lunch with which to fite agenst it. So I pulled myself + together, and told him one of my good stories:—"One of + our werry best City Judges, who is passed and gone, used to + have a fat Buck sent to him wunce a year by the QUEEN, from + Windsor Forest. He didn't care werry much for Wenson hisself, + so he goes to BRING AND RYMER, wich is potical sort o' name, + but it is the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his Fat Buck for + Turtel Lunches all through the cold, cold Winter, and they kep + him helthy and strong for years."</p> + + <p>"Then bring me one of his Lordship's Lunches at 2 o'clock + sharp, to-day," said he, "and I'll try it." So I took him a + scrumpshus bason of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of CLICKO's + rich Shampane, and he finisht the lot, and said, "Bring me + xactly the same splendid lunch ewery day the fog lastes." And I + did; and he told me as how it enabeld him to face it + bravely.</p> + + <p>Well, now for my foggy story. On that orful Toosday as ewer + was, I was a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, + when a stout elderly Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just + as we got to the Statty, in the middel of the road, down she + fell, and dragged me down with her. A most kind Perliceman + rushed to our asistance, and saved us both. I then, luckily, + got her a Cab, and took her home to —— Square, and, + after paying the Cabby jest what he chose to arsk, she arsked, + with a sweet smile, if I shood be offended if she gave me jest + a triful for praps saving her life, as she said. I told her, as + I was only a pore Waiter, I was used to tips and strays; so she + gave me a reel gold sovering, and a good arty squeeze of the + hand, and paid the Cabby to take me home, and finisht by + saying, "If you ever want a triful, Sir, you know where to get + it." And all I has to add is, that I thinks as my better arf + mite have been jest a leetel more grayshus, as I told her, with + amost tears in my eyes, of the graitfool conduck of the Lady of + —— Square.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHRISTMAS IN GERMANY.—"The beauties of Leadenhall and + Farringdon," said the <i>D.T.</i>, "do not figure in 'der + Hallen an der Spree.'" But in England, during Christmas time + generally, we were "Hallen on der Spree." Rather!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE DRAMA OF TO-DAY."—A Morning Performance.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14166 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |