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diff --git a/14166-0.txt b/14166-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..023e8da --- /dev/null +++ b/14166-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1330 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14166 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +January 9, 1892. + + + + +ON A NEW YEARLING. + +(_SECOND WEEK._) + +[Illustration: Second Week. Little 1892 grows rapidly, and begins to +look about him.] + + My fire was low; my bills were high; + My sip of punch was in its ladle; + The clarion chimes were in the sky; + The nascent year was in its cradle. + In sober prose to tell my tale, + 'Twas New Year's E'en, when, blind to danger, + All older-fashioned nurses hail + With joy "another little stranger." + + The glass was in my hand--but, wait, + Methought, awhile! 'Tis early toasting + With pæans too precipitate + A baby scarce an outline boasting: + One week at least of life must flit + For me to match it with its brothers-- + I'll wager, like most infants, it + Is wholly different from others. + + He frolics, latest of the lot, + A family prolific reckoned; + He occupies his tiny cot, + The eighteen-hundred-ninety-second! + The pretty darling, gently nursed + Of course, he lies, and fondly petted! + The eighteen-hundred-ninety-first + Is not, I fancy, much regretted. + + You call him "fine"--he's great in size, + And "promising"--there issue from his + Tough larynx quite stentorian cries; + Such notes are haply notes of promise. + Look out for squalls, _I_ tell you; soft + And dove-like atoms more engage us; + Your _fin-de-siècle_ child is oft + Loud, brazen, grasping, and rampageous. + + You bid me next his eyes adore; + So "deep and wideawake," they beckon; + We've suffered lately on the score + Of "deep and wideawake," I reckon. + You term me an "unfeeling brute," + A "monster Herod-like," and so on-- + You may be right; I'll not dispute; + I'll cease a brat's good name to blow on. + + Who'll read the bantling's dawning days?-- + Precocious shall he prove, and harass + The world with inconvenient ways + And lisped conundrums that embarrass? + (Such as Impressionists delight + To offer each æsthetic gaper, + And faddists hyper-Ibsenite + Rejoice to perpetrate on paper?) + + Or, one of those young scamps perhaps + Who love to rig their bogus bogies, + And set their artful booby-traps + For over-unsuspicious fogies? + Or haply, only commonplace-- + A plodding sort of good apprentice, + Who does his master's will with grace, + And hurries meekly where he sent is? + + And, when he grows apace, what blend + Of genius, chivalry and daring, + What virtues might our little friend + Display to brighten souls despairing? + What quiet charities unknown, + What modest, openhanded kindness, + What tolerance in touch and tone + For braggart human nature's blindness? + + Or what--the worser part to view-- + Of wanton waste and reckless gambling, + What darker paths shall he pursue + With sacrilegious step and shambling? + What coarse defiance, haply, hurl + At lights beyond his comprehension-- + An attitudinising churl + Who struts with ludicrous pretension. + + I know not--only this I know, + They're getting overstrained, my ditties, + This kind of poem ought to flow + Less like a solemn "_Nunc Dimittis_." + 'Twas jaunty when I struck my lyre, + And jaunty seems this yearling baby; + But, as both year and song expire + They're sadder, each, and wiser, maybe. + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. + +"_Hi-tiddley-hi-ti; or, I'm All Right_" is heard, "all over the +place," as light sleepers and studious dwellers in quiet streets are +too well aware. Why should it not be enlisted in the service of Apollo +and Momus as well as of the Back Slum Bacchus? As thus:-- + +NO. V.--I-TWADDLEY-HIGH-DRY-HIGH-TONED-I! OK, I'M ALL RIGHT! + +AIR--"_HI-TIDDLEY-HI-TI!_" + +[Illustration] + + I'm a young writer grimly gay, + My volumes sell, and sometimes pay. + First log-rollers raised a rumour of a rising Star of Humour, + Who had faced the Sphinx called Life, + With amusing misery rife, + So with sin, and woe, and strife, I thought I'd have a lark. + With pessimistic pick I pottered round + Pottered round, + A new "funny" trick I quickly found, + Smart and sound, + Life's cares in hedonistic chuckles drowned, + You be bound! + The cynic lay + I found would pay, + In a young Man of Mark! + +_CHORUS._ + + All of you come along with me! + I'm for a rare new fine new spree! + Everybody is delighted when the Philistines are slighted, + All of you come my books to try! + I-twaddley-I-ti I-I-I, + Ego for ever! Buy! Buy! Buy! + And _I_'m all right! + + Down with the West I go; my pen + Is bound to "fetch" the Upper Ten, + With the aid of some "log-rolling," my "distinction" much extolling. + Smart little scribes from near and far + Say, with a sniff, "O here's a Star!" + DICKENS on fine souls doth jar, THACKERAY is too dry, + But _his_ pessimistic air, rich and rare, + Subtle, fair, + Makes Philistia to stare, in a scare, + And to blare; + Whilst true Critics _débonnaire_, who are rare, + With a _flaire_, + For true humour, + Swell of rumour + The gregarious cry. + +_CHORUS._ + + All of you come along with me! + You'll have a rare new fair new spree! + Paradox with "sniff" united, Poor Humanity snubbed and slighted. + Humour's new _cuvée_, extra-dry. + I-twaddley--high-dry-high-toned I! + Come and worship the pessimist "I" + For _that's_ all right! + + After I've taken the toffish Town, + A second edition, at Half-a-crown, + Seeks the suffrages--(and _money_, for on Swelldom you'll go "stoney")-- + Of the much derided Mob. + Yes, the Proletariat "Bob" + (With the Guinea of the Nob) must aid the Sons of Light. + Gath and Askelon, you see, can give Me, + L.S.D. + All true Egoists love those pregnant letters + Mystic Three! + Flout Philistia with great glee, fair and free, + But agree + To take its "tin," + Though with a grin + Of pessimistic spite. + +_CHORUS._ + + All of you come along with me! + 'ARRY, who loves a fair old spree! + "Mugwump" with fine _morgue_ delighted, Cynic at "yearnestness" sore frighted! + All of you come my "tap" to try! + I-twaddley-high-dry-high-toned I! + Come along, boys, Buy! Buy! Buy! + And _I_'m all right! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOME AND THE OPEN SPACE. + +_Bumble_ (_loq._). "_WOT_, GRUMBLE AT BEING EWICTED, AND FOR THE +PUBLIC GOOD? NOW, I CALLS THAT INGRATITOOD! WY, WE'RE A-GOING TO MAKE +THIS INTO A _PEOPLE'S PLEASURE-GROUND_, WE ARE!!!"] + + * * * * * + +JIM'S JOTTINGS. + +NO. 1.--DOWN OUR COURT. + + (_In which Jim Juniper, better known as "Ginger Jimmy," + discourses of Homes and Open Spaces, &c., and, puts a + practical problem to the new "Public Health, and Housing + Committee of the London County Council._") + + My name is GINGER JIMMY, and I live, when I'm to hum, + In Rats Rents, the kind o' nay'brood wot the Swells now calls a Slum. + I'm a bit thick in the clear, like, and don't quite know wot they mean, + But I guess it isn't mansions, and I'm sure it isn't _clean_. + + They are always on the job now about Slums, and they do say + They are going to clear _our_ Court out on the suddent some fine day. + Whether it's roads, or railways, or hotels, blowed if _I_ know; + Only 'ope they'll give us notice, and some place where we can go. + + 'One _is_ 'ome, if but a dungheap; if you're pitchforked out of that, + And turned loose in chilly London on the scoop, like a stray cat, + With yer bits o' sticks permiskus in a barrer or a truck, + I can tell yer you feels lost like, and fair down upon yer luck. + + Heviction? When you're stoney-broke, your dubs all hup the spout, + And you've nix to raise the rent on, I suppose you _must_ turn hout; + 'Cos without them "rights o' proputty" no country couldn't jog; + But that brings a cove small comfort when 'e's 'ouseless, in a fog! + + I 'ave knocked about a middlin' little bit, you bet I 'ave, + And I ain't what Barber BIDDLECOMBE would call "a heasy shave"; + But these Sanitary codgers give me beans, and no mistake. + I am fly to most all capers, but don't tumble to _their_ fake. + + Seems to me all sentimental jor and cold chuck-out, it do. + They may call their big Committees, and may chat till all is blue, + But to shift me till they gives me somethink sweeter is all rot; + Better leave my garret winder, and the flower in the pot. + + That gerenum there looks proper; which I bought it of a bloke + What does the "All a-blowin'!" with a barrer and a moke; + And though tuppences is tuppences, I ain't so jolly sure + As to spend two-d. upon it were to play the blooming cure + + NICKY SPRIGGINS did chi-ike me. Reglar nubbly one is NOCK, + With about as much soft feelink as a blessed butcher's block. + He'd a made a spiffing Club Swell if he'd ony 'ad the chink, + With them lips like a ham sandwidge, and them eyes as never blink. + + And _I_ ain't no softy, neither, bet your buttons. That don't pay, + For you're 'bliged to keep yer eyes peeled and to twig the time o' day; + But I've got a mash on flowers; they are better than four 'arf, + Them red blazers in my winder; so let NOCKY 'ave his larf! + + NOCKY tells me that the Westry means a-clearin' hout our place + For to make a bit o' garding, wot they calls a Hopen Space, + O _I_ know the sort o' fakement, gravel walks, a patch o' grass, + And a sprinkle of young lime-trees of yer Thames Embankment class. + + Some bloke spots the place as likely, and praps buys it on the cheap, + (Spekylators keeps _their_ lids hup though the parish nobs may sleep,) + Pooty soon the pot's a-bilin' about Hopen Spaces. Yus! + And the chap as bought the bit o' ground is fust to raise the fuss. + + Recreation for the People, Hopen Playgrounds for the Young! + That's the patter of the platformers; and don't they jest give tongue! + Well, it's opened with a flourish, and there's everyone content; + Pertiklerly the landlords round as nobbles better rent. + + But _I_ don't object to gardings, not a'mossel--t'other quite; + As I've said, a bit of green stuff and a flower is my delight; + I wish London wos _more_ hopen, and more greener, and more gay; + Only people down our Court has got to _live_ as well as _play_. + + If they clears out the arf acre where we huddles orful close, + We must all turn out, that's certain; where we'll turn to, goodness knows; + And it won't be werry spashus, the new "Park" won't, arter all, + With the graveyard railinks one side, and on t'other a blank wall. + + Wot we want is decent 'ouses, at a rent as doesn't take + 'Arf a cove's poor screw to pay it. That _'a_ the present landlord's fake! + If they only knowed 'ow 'ard it is to meet "Saint Monday" square, + When yer ealth is werry middlin', and the jobs is werry rare! + + P'raps them Dooks, and Earls, and Marquiges, and Kernels, wot they states + Has just clubbed theirselves together to keep down the bloomin' Rates, + And to smash the Kounty Kouncil, as they've bunnicked the Skool Board, + Jest a few of their hodd moments to _our_ naybrood might afford. + + They _must_ 'ave a feelink 'art towards the poor, and no mistake, + Or they wouldn't take sech trouble for the poor Ratepayers' sake, + NOCKY SPRIGGENS sez it 'minds 'im of a League of Loving Cats + To purtect from traps and pizen the poor mice and starvin' rats. + + Jest like NOCKY's narsty way that is! But if them Dooks would try + To assist the Kounty Kouncil in their new Committee--wy, + They might 'elp our Health and Housing in a style as none could mock, + Give the proud "Pergressives" what-for, and fair put the shut on NOCK. + + Arter all yer Public Garding's little better than a chouse, + While the landlord rents yer heart out for a wretched Privit 'Ouse. + And yer Hopen Space's pootiness ain't much good to _our_ sort, + Who are shut up in the dismal dens called 'Omes, gents, down our Court. + + Oh, Philanterpists, and Sanitrys, and Dooks, I do not mean + To be rucking upon Charity, or rounding on wot's clean; + But _if_ yer wants to 'elp us as has lived so long in muck, + The _only_ thing wot's wanted ain't to give us the clean--chuck! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TAKING HIM RATHER TOO LITERALLY. + +_Sir Biggan Burleigh_ (_who doesn't see why he shouldn't have a +turn in his own house, to very young Lady_). "MISS VIOLET,--ROUND OR +SQUARE?" + +_Miss Violet_ (_her first ball, very bashful_). "WELL--REALLY--SIR +BURLEIGH--IF YOU INSIST--I SHOULD SAY"--(_hesitating_)--"DECIDEDLY +_ROUND_!"] + + * * * * * + +'ARRY EXAMINED. + +_Q._ What is meant by "Higher Education?" + +_'Arry_. Getting a Tutor at so much a week. That's the way _I_ should +'ire education--if I wanted it. + + * * * * * + +A DEFINITION.--"A pun on a word is a _new sense_."--Dr. JOHNSON, +Junior. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXII. + + SCENE--_The Campo S.S. Giovanni e Paolo. Afternoon. CULCHARD + is leaning against the pedestal of the Colleoni Statue_. + +_Podbury_ (_who has just come out of S. Giovanni, recognising +CULCHARD_). Hullo! _alone_, eh? Thought you were with Miss TROTTER? + +_Culchard_. So I am. That is, she is going over a metal-worker's +show-room close by, and I--er--preferred the open air. But didn't you +say you were going out with the--er--PRENDERGASTS again? + +_Podb._ So I am. She's in the Church with BOB, so I said I'd come out +and keep an eye on the gondola. Nothing much to see in _there_, you +know! + +_Culch._ (_with a weary irony_). Only the mausoleums of the +Doges--RUSKIN's "Street of the Tombs"--and a few trifles of that sort! + +[Illustration: "I guess you're about the most unselfish Saint on two +legs!"] + +_Podb._ That's all. And I'm feeling a bit done, you know. Been doing +the Correr Museum all the morning, and not lunched yet! So Miss +TROTTER's looking at ornamental metal-work? Rather fun that, eh? + +_Culch._ For those who enjoy it. She has only been in there an hour, +so she is not likely to come back just yet. What do you say to coming +into S.S. Giovanni e Paolo again, with _me_? Those tombs form a really +remarkable illustration, as RUSKIN points out, of the gradual decay +of-- + +_Miss Trotter_ (_suddenly flutters up, followed by an attendant +carrying a studded halberd, an antique gondola-hook, and two copper +water-buckets--all of which are consigned to the disgusted CULCHARD_). +Just hold these a spell till I come back. Thanks ever so much.... +Well, Mr. PODBURY! Aren't you going to admire my purchases? They're +real antique--or if they aren't, they'll wear all the better.... +There, I believe I'll just have to run back a minute--don't you put +those things in the gondola yet, Mr. CULCHARD, or they'll get stolen. + + [_She flutters off._ + +_Culch._ (_helplessly, as he holds the halberd, &c._). I suppose I +shall have to stay _here_ now. You're not going? + +_Podb._ (_consulting his watch_). Must. Promised old BOB I'd relieve +guard in ten minutes. Ta-ta! + + [_He goes; presently BOB PRENDERGAST lounges out of the + church._ + +_Culch._ If I could only make a friend of _him_! (_To BOB._) Ah, +PRENDERGAST! lovely afternoon, isn't it? Delicious breeze! + +_Bob_. (_shortly_). Can't say. Not had much of it, at present. + +_Culch._ You find these old churches rather oppressive, I daresay. +Er--will you have a cigarette? [_Tenders case._ + +_Bob_. Thanks; got a pipe. (_He lights it._) Where's Miss TROTTER? + +_Culch._ She will be here presently. By the way, my dear PRENDERGAST, +this--er--misunderstanding between your sister and her is very +unfortunate. + +_Bob_. I know that well enough. It's none of _my_ doing! And _you_'ve +no reason to complain, at all events! + +_Culch._ Quite so. Only, you see, we _used_ to be good friends at +Constance, and--er--until recently-- + +_Bob_. Used we? Of course, if you say so, it's all right. But what are +you driving at exactly? + +_Culch._ All I am driving at is this: Couldn't we two--er--agree to +effect a reconciliation between the two ladies? So much pleasanter +for--er--all parties! + +_Bob_. I daresay. But how are you going to set about it? _I_ can't +begin. + +_Culch._ Couldn't you induce your sister to lay aside +her--er--prejudice against me? Then _I_ could easily-- + +_Bob_. Very likely--but I _couldn't_. I never interfere in my sister's +affairs, and, to tell you the honest truth, I don't feel particularly +inclined to make a beginning on your account. [_Strolls away._ + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). What a surly boor it is! But I don't +care--I'll do him a good turn, in spite of himself! (_Miss T. +returns_.) Do you know, I've just been having a chat with poor young +PRENDERGAST. He seems quite cut up at being forced to side with his +sister. I undertook to--er--intercede for him. Now is it quite +fair, or like your--er--usual good-nature, to visit his sister's +offences--whatever they are--on him? I--I only put it to you. + +_Miss T._ Well, to think now! I guess you're about the most unselfish +Saint on two legs! Now some folks would have felt jealous. + +_Culch._ Possibly--but I cannot accuse myself of such a failing as +that. + +_Miss T._ I'd just like to hear you accuse yourself of _any_ failing! +I don't see however you manage to act so magnanimous and live. I told +you I wanted to study your character, and I believe it isn't going to +take me vurry much longer to make up my mind about _you_. You _don't_ +suppose I'll have any time for Mr. PRENDERGAST after getting such a +glimpse into your nature? There, help me into the gondola, and don't +talk any more about it. Tell him to go to Salviati's right away. + +_Culch._ (_dejectedly, to himself_). I've bungled it! I might have +_known_ I should only make matters worse! + + _On the Piazzetta; it is moonlight, the Campanile and dome of + San Giorgio Maggiore are silhouetted sharp and black against + the steel-blue sky across a sea of silver ripples. PODBURY + and CULCHARD are pacing slowly arm-in-arm between the two + columns._ + +_Culch._ And so you went on to S. Giovanni in Bragora, eh? then over +the Arsenal, and rowed across the lagoons to see the Armenian convent? +A delightful day, my dear PODBURY! I hope you--er--appreciate the +inestimable privileges of--of seeing Venice so thoroughly? + +_Podb._ Oh, of course it's very jolly. Find I get a trifle mixed +afterwards, though. And, between ourselves, I wouldn't mind--now and +then, you know--just dawdling about among the shops and people, as you +and the TROTTERS do! + +_Culch._ That has its charms, no doubt. But don't you find Miss +PRENDERGAST a mine of information on Italian Art and History? + +_Podb._ Don't I just--rather too _deep_ for me, y' know! I say, isn't +Miss TROTTER immense sport in the shops and that! + +_Culch._ She is--er--vivacious, certainly. (_PODBURY sighs_.) You seem +rather dull to-night, my dear fellow? + +_Podb._ Not dull--a trifle out of sorts, that's all. Fact is, I don't +think Venice agrees with me. All this messing about down beastly +back-courts and canals and in stuffy churches--it _can't_ be healthy, +you know! And they've _no_ drainage. I only hope I haven't caught +something, as it is. I've that kind of sinking feeling, and a general +lowness--_She_ says I lunch too heavily--but I swear it's more than +that! + +_Culch._ Nonsense, you're well enough. And why you should feel low, +with all your advantages--in Venice as you are, and in constant +intercourse with a mind adorned with every feminine gift! + +_Podb._ Hul-lo! why, I thought you called her a pedantic prig? + +_Culch._ If I used such a term at all, it was in no disparaging sense. +Every earnest nature presents an--er--priggish side at times. I know +that even I myself have occasionally, and by people who didn't _know_ +me, of course, been charged with priggishness. + +_Podb._ Have you, though? But of course there's nothing of that about +_her_. Only--well, it don't signify. [_He sighs._ + +_Culch._ Ah, PODBURY, take the good the gods provide you and be +content! You might be worse off, believe me! + +_Podb._ (_discontentedly_). It's all very well for _you_ to talk--with +Miss TROTTER all to yourself. I suppose you're regularly engaged by +this time, eh? + +_Culch._ Not quite. There's still a ----. And your probation, that's +practically at an end? + +_Podb._ I don't know. Can't make her out. She wouldn't sit on me the +way she does unless she _liked_ me, I suppose. But I say, it must be +awf--rather jolly for you with Miss TROTTER? She's got so much _go_, +eh? + +_Culch._ You used to say she wasn't what you call cultivated. + +_Podb._ I know I did. That's just what I like about her! At +least--well, we _both_ ought to think ourselves uncommonly lucky +beggars, I'm sure! [_He sighs more heavily than ever._ + +_Culch._ You especially, my dear PODBURY. In fact, I doubt if you're +half grateful enough! + +_Podb._ (_snappishly_). Yes, I am, I tell you. _I_'m not grumbling, +am I? I know as well as you do she's miles too good for me. Haven't I +_said_ so? Then what the devil do you keep on nagging at me for, eh? + +_Culch._ I am glad you see it in that light. Aren't you a little +irritable to-night? + +_Podb._ No, I'm not. It's those filthy canals. And the way you +talk--as if a girl like Miss TROTTER wasn't--! + +_Culch._ I really can't allow you to lecture me. I am not insensible +to my good-fortune--if others are. Now we'll drop the subject. + +_Podb._ I'm willing enough to drop it. And I shall turn in now--it's +late. You coming? + +_Culch._ Not yet. Good-night. (_To himself, as PODBURY departs._) +You insensate _dolt_! + +_Podb._ Good-night! (_To himself, as he swings off._) Confounded +patronising _prig_! + + * * * * * + +HUMPTY-DUMPTY UP AGAIN! + +[Illustration: Little Tich and the Fine Fairy.] + +That hardy annual known as The Drury Lane Pantomime is in full vigour +this year, its flowers of a more brilliant colour than ever, and its +leaves, as evidenced by the book of words, are fresh and vigorous. +In no other sense, however, does the Drury Lane Pantomime bear any +resemblance to "a plant." There is no "take in" about it, except that +even big Old Drury is not capable of holding all who would be present; +and so it happens nightly I believe, that many are turned away from +the doors bitterly disappointed. Such certainly was the case when the +present deponent was installed,--without any unnecessary ceremony,--on +a certain given night last week. "The book" is by the Every-knightly +DRURIOLANUS and his faithful Esquire, HARRY NICHOLLS, who, much +to everybody's regret, does not on this occasion appear as one of +the exponents of his own work. There are Miss FANNIE LESLIE--too +much "ie" in this name now, and one may ask "for why"?--Miss +MARIE (not "MARY"--oh dear now!) LLOYD, Miss PATTIE--not PATTY of +course--HEYWOOD, Mr. JOHN and Miss EMMA (dear me! _not_ EMMIE!) +D'AUBAN, and Messrs. HERBERT CAMPBELL as a grotesque monarch, Mr. +DAN LENO as _Queen of Hearts_, Mr. FRED WALTON, wonderful in a +frame as the living image of the _Knave of Hearts_, and a crowd of +clever people. But among the entire _dramatis personæ_, first and +foremost, both the least and the greatest, is the impersonator of +_Humpty-Dumpty_ himself, the _Yellow Dwarf_ alias Little TICH, who +shares with the gorgeous spectacle and the exquisite combination of +colours in Scene Eight, _The Wedding_, the first honours of the Great +Drury Lane Annual. It is emphatically a Pantomime for children to see +and to enjoy. The action is so rapid, song succeeds dance, and dance +succeeds song, and permutations and combinations of colour are so +brilliant and so frequent, that anyone who wants full change for his +money and a bonus into the bargain, will find it in the return he +will get for his outlay on visiting the Drury Lane Annual. And now +about the Harlequinade. The "Opening," as it used to be called, +which, terminating with the Grand Transformation Scene, ought to be, +theoretically at least, only the introduction to the real business +of the evening, that is, the "Pantomime business," concludes at +10·45, and allows three-quarters of an hour for what is called "the +Double Harlequinade"--which consists of one old-fashioned English +Pantomime-scene, followed by a comparatively modern--for 'tis not +absolutely "new and original"--French Pantomime-scene, and this +arrangement seems like, so to speak, pitting English Joey against +French Pierrot. This friendly rivalry has had the effect of waking up +the traditional Grimaldian spirit of Pantomime, and Mr. HARRY PAYNE's +scene, besides coming earlier than usual, is, in itself, full of fun +of the good old school-boyish kind; and if the Public, as Jury, is to +award a palm to either competitor, then it must give a hand--which +is much the same thing as "awarding a palm"--to its old friend, +HARRY PAYNE, who, with TULLY LEWIS as _Pantaloon_, has pulled himself +together, and given us a good quarter of an hour of genuine Old +English Pantomime, compared with which the other, though its fooling +is excellent in its own way, is only comic _ballet d'action_ after the +style of _Fun in a Fog_. I think that was the title, but am not sure, +of the gambols with which the MARTINETTI _troupe_ used to entertain +us. The new and improved style of ballet-dancing introduced by the now +celebrated _pas de quatre_ at the Gaiety, is charming, as here and now +represented by Miss MABEL LOVE and her graceful companions. + +[Illustration: "'_Fin de siècle_' Clown! Why I've seen that sort o' +thing done years ago, when I was a boy!"] + +To sum up; as the inspired poet of the immortal ode on Guy Fawkes' Day +saw no reason why that particular treason should ever be forgot, so I, +but uninspired, and only mortal, am unable to ascertain the existence +of any objection to the opinion that this Pantomime possesses staying +power sufficient to carry itself on for an extra long run of several +months over Easter, and, maybe, up to Whitsuntide. There is but one +DRURIOLANUS, and the Pantomime is his Profit! The two authors have +achieved what "all the King's horses and all the King's men" (not of +Cambridge, of course) could not effect!--they have set _Humpty-Dumpty_ +on his legs again! And so congratulations to "all concerned"! And, +without prejudice to Sir DRURIOLANUS, + +I beg to sign myself, THE OTHER KNIGHT. + + * * * * * + +THE LAY OF THE ANALYTIC NOVELIST. + + ["It is not the patent, obvious results of the inner working + of mind on which the modern novelist dwells, it is on that + inner working itself."--_Daily Chronicle_.] + + That odd barrel-organ, the human mind, + I love to explore; 'tis the analyst's lune; + But if I can only contrive to find + How the pipes will grunt, and the handle will grind, + I don't care a fig for the _tune_! + + * * * * * + +"HIT ONE OF YOUR OWN SIZE."--About the ups or downs of the Alexandra +Palace, Mr. SHAW LEFEVRE shouldn't have a row with a LITTLER, +specially when the LITTLER, who if he, with his friends, take over the +lease of the Alexandra themselves, will then be a Lessor, is pretty +sure to get the best of the discussion. + + * * * * * + +BY A THOUGHTFUL PHILOSOPHER.--Any remedy against London fogs must +involve a grate change. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GREAT DRAWBACK. + +_Dougal_ (_with all his native contempt for the Londoner_). "AYE, MON, +AN' HE'S NO A BAD SHOT?" + +_Davie_. "'DEED AN' HE'S A VERRA _GUID_ SHOT." + +_Dougal_. "HECH! IT'S AN AWFU' PEETIE HE'S A LONDONER!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MONITOR; OR, JOSEPH'S JOBATION. + + ["It is reasonable to assume that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will at + once perceive how his position has been altered by becoming + the head of a party including many shades of opinion, instead + of being, as he has been, the spokesman of a small set of + politicians, earnest, no doubt, and active, but not quite + in sympathy with all those who shared their fortunes."--_The + Times_. + + "The arrangements consequent on Lord HARTINGTON's succession + to the Peerage have very much narrowed the freedom + previously enjoyed by the Member for West Birmingham, and, + in a corresponding degree, enlarged the sphere of his + responsibilities.... The Statesman who has to act as guide and + moderator at St. Stephen's will be careful, no doubt, not + to compromise his authority by any indiscreet or extravagant + insistance on remote and contentious issues."--_The + Standard_.] + + SCENE--_St. Stephen's School. Present, Doctor T., + Principal, Mrs. S., Matron, and Master JOE, Pupil, lately + promoted to Monitorship in the Lower School._ + +_Doctor T._ Ahem! And so, JOSEPH, we have to congratulate you upon +your--a--a--promotion! + +_Master Joe_ (_coolly_). You are very good, Sir, I'm sure. +[_Whistles._ + +_Doctor T._ Not at all, JOSEPH, not at all. That is to say--ahem!--you +doubtless deserve it. + +_Mrs. S._ Doubtless deserve it, JOSEPH! I always _said_ you would +turn out a better boy than, at one time I--that is to say, +_many_--expected. It is a great consolation to me, JOSEPH, after all +the care-- + +_Master Joe_ (_aside_). And the numerous jobations! + +_Mrs. S._ That I--that we have bestowed upon you, to find--ahem!--our +best hopes so amply fulfilled. + +_Dr. T._ _Fulfilled_, JOSEPH; whether amply or not it remains for you +to prove. + +_Master Joe_ (_carelessly_). All right, Sir, _I_'ll prove it fast +enough. + +_Dr. T._ I trust so, JOSEPH, I trust so, though "fast enough" +is _hardly_ the phrase _I_ should have adopted, +or--ahem!--recommended,--in the circumstances! + + "Is there a word wants nobleness and grace, + Devoid of weight, nor worthy of high place?" + +You know what our excellent HORACE bids you do in such a case. + +_Master Joe_ (_aside_). Bothersome old _Blimber_! + +_Mrs. S._ Yes, JOSEPH, slanginess, carelessness and extravagance of +speech will not befit your present position, you know. + +_Master Joe_. (_aside_). Prosy old _Pipchin_! + +_Dr. T._ You could not, JOSEPH, put before you a better model than the +boy whose post you assume, in consequence of his going to the +Upper School; young HARTY, I mean, a boy who was ever a pattern of +propriety, and one absolutely to be depended upon to maintain the +prestige of the school, and--ahem!--the authority of the Masters, in +every contingency. + +_Mrs. S._ In _every_ contingency, JOSEPH. How unlike that talented, +but untrustworthy, senior of his, and of yours, WILL GLADSTONE; a +lad whose leadership you once acknowledged, but whose pernicious +influence, I am happy to find, you have lately quite cast off. + +_Master Joe_ (_knowingly_). Rather! Where there's a WILL there's a +way; and WILL thought it must always be _his_ way. But "not for JOE!" + +_Dr. T._ Again, JOSEPH, is not that--ahem!--quotation from the popular +minstrelsy of our time a _leetle_ reminiscent of ruder, and more +Radical days? + +_Master Joe_. Perhaps so, Sir, perhaps so. Let me then say that +"_Ego primam tollo, nominor quoniam Leo_" is a very pretty maxim for +lions--and jackals. The former _rôle_ I may not yet have risen to, but +I'm hanged if I'll stoop to the latter. + +_Dr. T._ Quite so, quite so! At any rate, not in such a questionable +_Leonina Societas_. Remember, also, JOSEPH, what an awful example you +have in young GRANDOLPH, with whom, at one time, you seemed a little +intimate. You have only to reflect upon _his fiasco_, "to have the +counsels of prudence borne in imperatively upon your mind, and the +lesson will not be the less impressively taught if it is remembered +that GRANDOLPH will be on the spot to take note of and profit by any +mistakes that may be committed by his more deserving and successful +rival." + +_Master Joe_ (_aside_). Lessons all round, eh? Seems to me all this +grandmotherly advice is wondrous like a "wigging" in disguise. Perhaps +they'll find I'm better at teaching than learning. + +_Mrs. S._ _Cavendo tutus_, JOSEPH, safe by caution. The motto of your +predecessor. You cannot do better than take it as your own. + +_Master Joe_ (_innocently_). Think not, Ma'am? I fancy every man ought +to have his _own_ motto. Now _I_ was thinking of _Cede nullis_! + +[Illustration: THE NEW MONITOR. + +DR. TIMES. "YOU'RE A CLEVER BOY, JOE, AND WE CONGRATULATE YOU; BUT +NOW YOU'RE IN A POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY,--AHEM!--YOU +MUST--AHEM!--BEHAVE YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY!"] + +_Doctor T._ Tut--tut--tut, JOSEPH! Inappropriate,--in your _present_ +position. You will have to yield to _many_,--to those in authority +over you, in fact. "Leaders! (and Monitors) have to subordinate their +personal tastes, and even their individual convictions, to an enlarged +conception of the general advantage." + +_Mrs. S._ Yes, JOE, don't, whatever you do, compromise your authority +by any indiscreet or extravagant insistance-- + +_Master Joe_ (_quickly, though with becoming gravity_). Quite so, +Ma'am! _Very_ true, Sir! My "conceptions," I may say, have "enlarged" +considerably of late, since I have found (as Mrs. S. well says) "how +much of my antipathy" (to the powers that be) "was sheer prejudice." +And, as to "the general advantage," I am sanguine that I shall find it +consonant--if not identical--with my own. + +_Doctor T._ (_dubiously_). Humph! Suppose you say _yours_ with _it_, +JOSEPH? + +_Master Joe_ (_airily_). As you please, Sir. Things which are equal to +the same thing are equal to one another, you know. + +_Mrs. S._ (_aside_). Smart boy, very! I fancy I should have more +confidence in him if he were a little _less_ so. + +_Doctor T._ (_gravely_). You see, JOSEPH, there are some things in +your earlier school career which your well-wishers would fain--forget. +You were rather what is called, I think, "a young Radical" once, not +to say "a bit of a pickle." You seemed not altogether out of sympathy +with such revolutionary proceedings as "revolts" and "barring-outs," +and even talked once, if I remember rightly, of putting the Principals +"to ransom"--doctrines better worthy of a Calabrian brigand than of a +public school-boy. But let bygones _be_ bygones. Now that you are in +a position of responsibility and--respectability, you will, of course, +abandon all such revolutionary rubbish, and think not of yourself, but +others; consider less the wild wishes of your inferiors than the wise +commands of your betters. + +_Master Joe_ (_solemnly_). Oh, of _course_, Sir! And now, if you, _Dr. +Poloni_--ahem!--Dr. T., and _Mrs. Pip_--I mean Mrs. S., have _quite_ +finished your wig--I should say wise counsellings, I think I'll--go +out and play! [_Does so._ + + * * * * * + +DYNAMITICAL ARGUMENTS.--The Apostles of "the Gospel of Dynamite" +would, if they could, speedily convert a whole town--into a ruin. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STARTLING PROPOSITION. + +_Seedy Individual_ (_suddenly and with startling vigour_)--"AOH? FLOY +WITH ME ERCROSS THER SEA, ERCROSS THER DORK LERGOON!!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +With a spice of _Tristram Shandy_, a dash of _Ferdinand Count Fathom_, +and none the worse for the quaint flavouring thus given to the style +and manner of the romance, _The Blue Pavilions_ by "Q." is about as +good a tale of rapid dramatic and exciting adventure as the Baron +remembers to have read,--for some time at least. There is in it little +enough of love, though that little is well and prettily told, but +there is no lack of fighting at long odds and at short intervals, +of hairbreadth escapes, and of such chances by land and sea as keep +the reader, all agog, hurrying on from point to point, anxious to +see what is to happen next, and how the expected is to eventuate +unexpectedly. The story is for the most part told in a humorous +devil-may-care-believe-it-or-not-as-you-like sort of way which compels +attention, occasionally raises a smile, and always excites curiosity. +As a one-barrel novel, this ought to score a gold right in the centre. + +The writer of a little leader in the _Daily News_ of last Wednesday +seems to have been rather hard-up for a subject when he fell foul of +the Messrs. MACMILLAN's cheap re-issue of _A Jest-Book_, compiled many +years ago by _Mr. Punch's_ MARK LEMON, "Uncle MARK," who brought the +ancient _Joe Miller_ up to that particular date. It was the last of +the jest-books, and they are now quite out of fashion. A quarter of +a century hence, no doubt, the fortunate possessor of one of these +little books will come out with many a new jest, and be esteemed quite +an original wit. + +It would have been well for the writer of the above-mentioned +leaderette had he referred to the ninth of ELIA's _Popular Fallacies_, +and been thereby reminded how "a pun is a pistol let off at the ear; +and not a feather to tickle the intellect." The Baron is prepared +to admit that the lesson to be learned from this delightful Essay +of CHARLES LAMB's is, that a pun once let off, has fizzled off, and +cannot be repeated with its first effect. Now the honest historian +of this, or of any pun, must reproduce in his narrative all the +circumstances of time, place, and individuality that gave it its +point; but the effect of the pun, the Baron ventures to think, it is +impossible to convey in print to the reader, read he never so wisely, +nor however vividly graphic may be the description. Yet if this same +reader possesses the art of reading aloud, with some approach to the +dramatic Dickensian manner, then, given an appreciative audience, it +is probable that the pun itself would not lose much in recital. At +best, however, the crispness of the original salt is impaired, though +the flavour is not lost by keeping, and the enjoyment of it must +depend on the new seasoning provided by the reciter. Of course, +its piquancy may have been staled by too frequent use--but "this is +another story." After all, is a jest-book meant to be taken seriously? +A question which "_nous donne à penser_," quoth + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +FOGGED! + +Blest if I know where I am in this murkiness made to benight us, Blest +if I know what it means, this infernal Impressionist etching; + +Surely some WHISTLER renowned in the gibbering realms of Cocytus Drew +it--and draws us along through its avenues ghostlily stretching. + +Lights flicker out in the gloom, like diminutive goblins that beckon; +Onward we stagger and gasp in the grip of this emanence deadly: + +How I would curse if I could, but not RABELAIS even I reckon Language +could find, or a voice if he wished for the sulphurous medley. + +Blest if I know who you are, wicked giant, colossal above me, Pluto +perchance or, that fell spirit-ferryman, Charon uprising! + +Blest if I know if survives in this demon-land anything of me, +Blest!--It's a lamp-post, by George--a reality somewhat surprising! + +London, how long shall thy sons rue this Angel of Death with his +grim bow, Suffer this nightmare to last by its pestilence mangled and +throttled? + +Would magic Science could scare the black vista to luridest Limbo, +Would that fresh breezes were tinned and the sunshine of Italy +bottled!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISS TWELFTHNIGHT AND HER CHARACTERS FOR 1892.] + + * * * * * + +THEFT _V._ THRIFT. + + ["The Economic Man, whose sole motive was selfishness, was + created by ADAM SMITH."--_Daily News_.] + + A century's gone, and still wiseacres plan + A future for the Economic Man; + But one fatality strikes us as comical,-- + That--up to now--he is not _economical_! + The soulless thing whose motor sole is Self, + Squanders, as well as snatches, sordid pelf. + Perhaps if he could use as well as steal, + The common wealth might prove the common weal. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S NEW-YEAR HONOURS, GIFTS, GOOD WISHES, AND GREETINGS. + +(_CONFERRED BY HIM, WITHOUT_ "_OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION_.") + +_To Her Most Gracious Majesty_.--The Queendom of his heart. + +_To the Duke of Clarence, and the Princess May_.--A Bridal Quick +March. + +_To Prince George of Wales_.--A Clean Bill of Health. + +_To Prince Christian_.--"Eyes right!" + +_To Mr. Gladstone_.--Freedom _from_ the City, its fogs, and politics. + +_To the Duke of Devonshire_.--A Peerage, and the right successor in +Rossendale. + +_To Mr. Chamberlain_.--His Cartoon for the week. + +_To Mr. Balfour_.--An Irish "Order." + +_To Lord Randolph Churchill_.--"Something new _out of_ Africa." + +_To the Peerage_.--General Sir FREDERICK ROBERTS. (The greatest +"honour" of the lot, by Jove!) + +_To Henry Irving_.--"A Health to the King" (HARRY THE EIGHTH), and any +number of Nights' (run). + +_To Johnny Toole_.--Rapid recovery, and "another kind love" from +_Toole-le-Monde_! + +_To Mr. Punch's Young Men_.--Privy Councillorships (to the Public) all +round. + +_To Everybody_.--A Happy New Volume! + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF PRECEDENCE, BUT NOT A PRECEDENT.--It is a gracious act +on the part of a Cabman, when, at a dinner-party, he gives the _pas_ +to an Omnibus-driver, at the same time courteously explaining this +waiver of rights by saying that "at the present moment he is not +standing on his rank." + + * * * * * + +"THE COMPLEMENTS OF THE SEASON."--Christmas Boxes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUPERIOR EDUCATION. + +_Page Boy_ (_to Jeames_). "WHERE SHALL I PUT THISH 'ER DISH OF +AMMONDS?" + +_Jeames_ (_with dignity_). "I'M SURPRISED, HARTHUR, THAT AT YOUR HAGE +YOU 'AVEN'T LEARNT 'OW TO PERNOUNCE THE _R_ IN HARMONDS!"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +[Illustration] + +In continuation of his interesting notes of incidents connected with +the gathering of Ministers for the last Cabinet Council, Our Special +Reporter states that the only _contretemps_ arose in connection +with the arrival of Mr. GOSCHEN. On alighting from his _coupé_ the +CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER handed the driver a dirty crumpled piece +of paper. + +"Hi! wot's this?" shouted the Cabman. + +"A one-pound note," said the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, blandly; +"give me the change." + +"Oh, no you don't," said the Cabman; "you try that on in the City, +young feller. This is too far West." + +Mr. GOSCHEN, evidently annoyed, carefully selected a worn-out +shilling, and tossing it to the man, stalked haughtily into the +Treasury. A moment later he hurriedly opened the door and looked out +for the Cabman, but he had gone. It was understood, Our Reporter says, +that the Right Hon. Gentleman had thought of a repartee. + + * * * * * + +The Morning Papers announce, with tantalising brevity, that "Lord +STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL has (_sic_) returned to Bruton Street from +Berlin." We are in a position to add that the occasion of the noble +Lords' journey to Berlin was of international interest. It is no +secret at the Foreign Office that their Lordships have for some time +been uneasy at the turn events are taking in the East. They have +endeavoured to disguise from each other their perturbed feelings. But +STRATHEDEN felt that CAMPBELL's eye was upon him, whilst CAMPBELL at +last abandoned the futile effort of dissembling his uneasiness under +the cold steel-grey glance of STRATHEDEN. They finally agreed that the +best thing they could do was to set forth for Berlin, making secret +_détours_ in order to call at other of the principal capitals, and +confer with the Foreign Ministers. The result, we are pleased to +learn, has been most beneficial, and has, so to speak, contributed a +hodful of mortar to the foundation on which rests the peace of Europe. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is disposed to regard HOMER as over-rated. The only +book of his she ever read, she says, is _Bombastical Furioso_, and +certainly that did not assuage her appetite for any more. + + * * * * * + +Mr. STEAD has been taking into his confidence a universe thrilled +with interest, with respect to certain presentiments which from +time to time have struck his mind. One he dates in October, 1883, +at which time he was sub-editor of an evening journal which Mr. +JOHN MORLEY then edited. He had, he records, a presentiment that +at an early approaching date, Mr. MORLEY would have quitted the +establishment--dead Mr. STEAD genially anticipated--and that he would +reign in Stead. In view of the public interest involved in these +confessions, we have interviewed a certain Right Hon. Gentleman as to +his susceptibility to presentiments. + +"Well," he replied, "they are not usual with me; but I remember that +for some time before the date mentioned, I felt that either Mr. STEAD +or I must leave the paper." + + * * * * * + +One of the earliest volumes issued in connection with the +newly-devised Automatic Library in use on some lines of Railway, is +entitled _Beyond Escape_. We understand that subsequent volumes will +be _Dashed to Pieces_, _The Broken Bridge_, _The Sprained Axle_, _The +Wheelbox on Fire_, _The Gordon Guard_, _The Cruel Cowcatcher; or, Cut +in Twain_, _The Colour-Blind Signalman_, and _Shunted and Shattered_. + + * * * * * + +CROSSED-EXAMINATION. + +[Illustration] + + OLD STYLE.--_Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when + his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side._ + +_Counsel_ (_sharply_). Now, Sir, do you know the value of an oath? + +_Witness_ (_taken aback_). Why, yes--of course. + +_Coun._ (_pointing at him_). Come, no prevarication! Do you understand +the value, or do you not? + +_Wit._ (_confused_). If you will allow me to explain--? + +_Coun._ Come, Sir, you surely can answer Yes or No--now which is it? + +_Wit._ But you will not let me explain-- + +_Coun._ Don't be impertinent, Sir! Explanation is unneeded. Mind, you +have been sworn, so if you _don't_ know the value of an oath, it will +be the worse for you. + +_Wit._ But you won't let me speak. + +_Coun._ Won't let you speak! Why, I can't get a word out of you. Now, +Sir--in plain English--are you a liar or not? + +_Wit._ (_appealing to Judge_). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to +speak to me like this? + +_Judge_. Be good enough to answer the Counsel's questions. I have +nothing to do with it. + +_Coun._ Now, Sir--once more; are you a liar, or are you not? + +_Wit._ I don't think that's the way to speak to me-- + +_Coun._ Don't bully me, Sir! You are here to tell us the truth, or as +much of it as you can. + +_Wit._ But surely you ought to-- + +_Coun._ Don't tell me what I ought to do, Sir. Again; are you a liar, +or are you not? + +_Wit._ Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question? + +_Coun._ You are not there to ask me questions, Sir, but to answer _my_ +questions to _you_. + +_Wit._ Well. I decline to reply. + +_Judge_ (_to Witness_). Now you had better be careful. If you do not +answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to send +you to gaol for contempt of Court. + +_Coun._ Now you hear what his Lordship says, and now, once more, are +you a liar, or are you not? + +_Wit._ (_confused_). I don't know. + +_Coun._ (_to Jury_). He doesn't know! I need ask nothing further! +[_Sits down._ + +_Foreman_ (_to Judge_). May we not ask, my Lord, how you consider this +case is being conducted? + +_Judge_. With pleasure. Gentlemen! I will repeat what I remarked to +the Master quite recently. I think the only word that will describe +the matter is "noble." Distinctly noble! + + [_Scene closes in upon despair of Witness._ + + NEW STYLE.--_Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when + his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side._ + +_Coun._ I presume. Sir, that-- + +_Wit._ (_sharply_). You have no right to presume. Ask me what you +want, and have done with it. + +_Coun._ (_amiably_). I think we shall get on better--more quickly--if +you kindly attend to my questions. + +_Wit._ Think so? Well, it's a matter of opinion. But, as I have +an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you are +instructed to ask, and settle the matter off-hand. + +_Coun._ If you will allow me to speak-- + +_Wit._ Speak!--I like that! Why I can't get a rational word out of +you! + +_Coun._ (_appealing to Judge_). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to +speak to me like this? + +_Judge_. Be good enough to attend to the Witness. I have nothing to do +with it. + +_Wit._ (_impatiently_). Now, Sir, am I to wait all day? + +_Coun._ (_mildly_). I really venture to suggest that is not quite the +tone to adopt. + +_Wit._ Don't bully me, Sir! I am here to answer any questions you like +to put, always supposing that you have any worth answering. + +_Coun._ But come--surely you ought to-- + +_Wit._ I am not here to learn my duty from you, Sir. You don't know +your subject, Sir. How long have you been called? + +_Coun._ I decline to reply. + +_Judge_ (_to Counsel_). Now you had really better be careful. I wish +to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time +I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your +Benchers. + +_Wit._ You hear what his Lordship says. What are you going to do next? + +_Coun._ (_confused_). I don't know. + +_Wit._ (_to Jury_). He doesn't know! I needn't stay here any longer. + + [_"Stands" down._ + +_Judge_ (_to Jury_). May I ask you, Gentlemen, how you consider this +case is being conducted? + +_Foreman of the Jury_. With pleasure, my Lord. We were all using +the same word which exactly describes the situation. We consider the +deportment of the Witness "noble." Distinctly noble. + + [_Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT IN A FOG! + +Well, if we ain't a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel London +Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did have one. As +for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally female ones, Well, +it's about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let alone a hard-workin, +middel-aged Husband, stark staring mad! + +[Illustration] + +However, thank goodness, I've got one werry grand xception, and he +reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer. + +I need ardly say as it's my old Amerrycan friend, who has cum back to +the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel London Winter is +like, and he bears it all, fog and all, splendidly. He was jest in +time to see Lord MARE's Sho from one of our best front winders, and +if he didn't sit there and larf away as the pore soddened and soaked +persession parsed by, speshally at the Lord MARE's six gennelmen with +their padded carves and pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman +larf. "Why on earth, Mr. ROBERT," he says to me, "why don't they +have it in the bewtifool Summer, for it's reelly a very splendid +performunce?" To which I replied, rather smartly, becoz I was +naterally rayther cross, "Becoz it has allers bin held on the same +honnerd day since the rain of Lord Mare ALLWINE, who rained sewen +hunderd years ago." "And has probably rained ewer since," he larfingly +replied, as he went out. + +He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware amost +ewery nite afore the Fog begun; but that rayther tried him, speshally +in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to tell him, from my long +xperience, what was the best posserbel Lunch with which to fite +agenst it. So I pulled myself together, and told him one of my good +stories:--"One of our werry best City Judges, who is passed and gone, +used to have a fat Buck sent to him wunce a year by the QUEEN, from +Windsor Forest. He didn't care werry much for Wenson hisself, so he +goes to BRING AND RYMER, wich is potical sort o' name, but it is +the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his Fat Buck for Turtel Lunches all +through the cold, cold Winter, and they kep him helthy and strong for +years." + +"Then bring me one of his Lordship's Lunches at 2 o'clock sharp, +to-day," said he, "and I'll try it." So I took him a scrumpshus bason +of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of CLICKO's rich Shampane, and he +finisht the lot, and said, "Bring me xactly the same splendid lunch +ewery day the fog lastes." And I did; and he told me as how it enabeld +him to face it bravely. + +Well, now for my foggy story. On that orful Toosday as ewer was, I was +a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, when a stout elderly +Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just as we got to the Statty, in +the middel of the road, down she fell, and dragged me down with her. +A most kind Perliceman rushed to our asistance, and saved us both. I +then, luckily, got her a Cab, and took her home to ---- Square, and, +after paying the Cabby jest what he chose to arsk, she arsked, with a +sweet smile, if I shood be offended if she gave me jest a triful for +praps saving her life, as she said. I told her, as I was only a pore +Waiter, I was used to tips and strays; so she gave me a reel gold +sovering, and a good arty squeeze of the hand, and paid the Cabby to +take me home, and finisht by saying, "If you ever want a triful, Sir, +you know where to get it." And all I has to add is, that I thinks as +my better arf mite have been jest a leetel more grayshus, as I told +her, with amost tears in my eyes, of the graitfool conduck of the Lady +of ---- Square. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS IN GERMANY.--"The beauties of Leadenhall and Farringdon," +said the _D.T._, "do not figure in 'der Hallen an der Spree.'" But +in England, during Christmas time generally, we were "Hallen on der +Spree." Rather! + + * * * * * + +"THE DRAMA OF TO-DAY."--A Morning Performance. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, Jan. 9, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14166 *** |