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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1416-h.zip b/1416-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..878a03c --- /dev/null +++ b/1416-h.zip diff --git a/1416-h/1416-h.htm b/1416-h/1416-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..956054a --- /dev/null +++ b/1416-h/1416-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1667 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4 { + text-align: left; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings, by Charles Dickens</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings, by Charles Dickens + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings + + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: April 4, 2005 [eBook #1416] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MRS. LIRRIPER'S LODGINGS*** +</pre> +<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> +<p>Transcribed from the 1894 Chapman and Hall “Christmas Stories” +edition by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p> +<h1>MRS. LIRRIPER’S LODGINGS</h1> +<h2>CHAPTER I—HOW MRS. LIRRIPER CARRIED ON THE BUSINESS</h2> +<p>Whoever would begin to be worried with letting Lodgings that wasn’t +a lone woman with a living to get is a thing inconceivable to me, my +dear; excuse the familiarity, but it comes natural to me in my own little +room, when wishing to open my mind to those that I can trust, and I +should be truly thankful if they were all mankind, but such is not so, +for have but a Furnished bill in the window and your watch on the mantelpiece, +and farewell to it if you turn your back for but a second, however gentlemanly +the manners; nor is being of your own sex any safeguard, as I have reason, +in the form of sugar-tongs to know, for that lady (and a fine woman +she was) got me to run for a glass of water, on the plea of going to +be confined, which certainly turned out true, but it was in the Station-house.</p> +<p>Number Eighty-one Norfolk Street, Strand—situated midway between +the City and St. James’s, and within five minutes’ walk +of the principal places of public amusement—is my address. +I have rented this house many years, as the parish rate-books will testify; +and I could wish my landlord was as alive to the fact as I am myself; +but no, bless you, not a half a pound of paint to save his life, nor +so much, my dear, as a tile upon the roof, though on your bended knees.</p> +<p>My dear, you never have found Number Eighty-one Norfolk Street Strand +advertised in Bradshaw’s <i>Railway Guide</i>, and with the blessing +of Heaven you never will or shall so find it. Some there are who +do not think it lowering themselves to make their names that cheap, +and even going the lengths of a portrait of the house not like it with +a blot in every window and a coach and four at the door, but what will +suit Wozenham’s lower down on the other side of the way will not +suit me, Miss Wozenham having her opinions and me having mine, though +when it comes to systematic underbidding capable of being proved on +oath in a court of justice and taking the form of “If Mrs. Lirriper +names eighteen shillings a week, I name fifteen and six,” it then +comes to a settlement between yourself and your conscience, supposing +for the sake of argument your name to be Wozenham, which I am well aware +it is not or my opinion of you would be greatly lowered, and as to airy +bedrooms and a night-porter in constant attendance the less said the +better, the bedrooms being stuffy and the porter stuff.</p> +<p>It is forty years ago since me and my poor Lirriper got married at +St. Clement’s Danes, where I now have a sitting in a very pleasant +pew with genteel company and my own hassock, and being partial to evening +service not too crowded. My poor Lirriper was a handsome figure +of a man, with a beaming eye and a voice as mellow as a musical instrument +made of honey and steel, but he had ever been a free liver being in +the commercial travelling line and travelling what he called a limekiln +road—“a dry road, Emma my dear,” my poor Lirriper +says to me, “where I have to lay the dust with one drink or another +all day long and half the night, and it wears me Emma”—and +this led to his running through a good deal and might have run through +the turnpike too when that dreadful horse that never would stand still +for a single instant set off, but for its being night and the gate shut +and consequently took his wheel, my poor Lirriper and the gig smashed +to atoms and never spoke afterwards. He was a handsome figure +of a man, and a man with a jovial heart and a sweet temper; but if they +had come up then they never could have given you the mellowness of his +voice, and indeed I consider photographs wanting in mellowness as a +general rule and making you look like a new-ploughed field.</p> +<p>My poor Lirriper being behindhand with the world and being buried +at Hatfield church in Hertfordshire, not that it was his native place +but that he had a liking for the Salisbury Arms where we went upon our +wedding-day and passed as happy a fortnight as ever happy was, I went +round to the creditors and I says “Gentlemen I am acquainted with +the fact that I am not answerable for my late husband’s debts +but I wish to pay them for I am his lawful wife and his good name is +dear to me. I am going into the Lodgings gentlemen as a business +and if I prosper every farthing that my late husband owed shall be paid +for the sake of the love I bore him, by this right hand.” +It took a long time to do but it was done, and the silver cream-jug +which is between ourselves and the bed and the mattress in my room up-stairs +(or it would have found legs so sure as ever the Furnished bill was +up) being presented by the gentlemen engraved “To Mrs. Lirriper +a mark of grateful respect for her honourable conduct” gave me +a turn which was too much for my feelings, till Mr. Betley which at +that time had the parlours and loved his joke says “Cheer up Mrs. +Lirriper, you should feel as if it was only your christening and they +were your godfathers and godmothers which did promise for you.” +And it brought me round, and I don’t mind confessing to you my +dear that I then put a sandwich and a drop of sherry in a little basket +and went down to Hatfield church-yard outside the coach and kissed my +hand and laid it with a kind of proud and swelling love on my husband’s +grave, though bless you it had taken me so long to clear his name that +my wedding-ring was worn quite fine and smooth when I laid it on the +green green waving grass.</p> +<p>I am an old woman now and my good looks are gone but that’s +me my dear over the plate-warmer and considered like in the times when +you used to pay two guineas on ivory and took your chance pretty much +how you came out, which made you very careful how you left it about +afterwards because people were turned so red and uncomfortable by mostly +guessing it was somebody else quite different, and there was once a +certain person that had put his money in a hop business that came in +one morning to pay his rent and his respects being the second floor +that would have taken it down from its hook and put it in his breast-pocket—you +understand my dear—for the L, he says of the original—only +there was no mellowness in <i>his</i> voice and I wouldn’t let +him, but his opinion of it you may gather from his saying to it “Speak +to me Emma!” which was far from a rational observation no doubt +but still a tribute to its being a likeness, and I think myself it <i>was</i> +like me when I was young and wore that sort of stays.</p> +<p>But it was about the Lodgings that I was intending to hold forth +and certainly I ought to know something of the business having been +in it so long, for it was early in the second year of my married life +that I lost my poor Lirriper and I set up at Islington directly afterwards +and afterwards came here, being two houses and eight-and-thirty years +and some losses and a deal of experience.</p> +<p>Girls are your first trial after fixtures and they try you even worse +than what I call the Wandering Christians, though why <i>they</i> should +roam the earth looking for bills and then coming in and viewing the +apartments and stickling about terms and never at all wanting them or +dreaming of taking them being already provided, is, a mystery I should +be thankful to have explained if by any miracle it could be. It’s +wonderful they live so long and thrive so on it but I suppose the exercise +makes it healthy, knocking so much and going from house to house and +up and down-stairs all day, and then their pretending to be so particular +and punctual is a most astonishing thing, looking at their watches and +saying “Could you give me the refusal of the rooms till twenty +minutes past eleven the day after to-morrow in the forenoon, and supposing +it to be considered essential by my friend from the country could there +be a small iron bedstead put in the little room upon the stairs?” +Why when I was new to it my dear I used to consider before I promised +and to make my mind anxious with calculations and to get quite wearied +out with disappointments, but now I says “Certainly by all means” +well knowing it’s a Wandering Christian and I shall hear no more +about it, indeed by this time I know most of the Wandering Christians +by sight as well as they know me, it being the habit of each individual +revolving round London in that capacity to come back about twice a year, +and it’s very remarkable that it runs in families and the children +grow up to it, but even were it otherwise I should no sooner hear of +the friend from the country which is a certain sign than I should nod +and say to myself You’re a Wandering Christian, though whether +they are (as I <i>have</i> heard) persons of small property with a taste +for regular employment and frequent change of scene I cannot undertake +to tell you.</p> +<p>Girls as I was beginning to remark are one of your first and your +lasting troubles, being like your teeth which begin with convulsions +and never cease tormenting you from the time you cut them till they +cut you, and then you don’t want to part with them which seems +hard but we must all succumb or buy artificial, and even where you get +a will nine times out of ten you’ll get a dirty face with it and +naturally lodgers do not like good society to be shown in with a smear +of black across the nose or a smudgy eyebrow. Where they pick +the black up is a mystery I cannot solve, as in the case of the willingest +girl that ever came into a house half-starved poor thing, a girl so +willing that I called her Willing Sophy down upon her knees scrubbing +early and late and ever cheerful but always smiling with a black face. +And I says to Sophy, “Now Sophy my good girl have a regular day +for your stoves and keep the width of the Airy between yourself and +the blacking and do not brush your hair with the bottoms of the saucepans +and do not meddle with the snuffs of the candles and it stands to reason +that it can no longer be” yet there it was and always on her nose, +which turning up and being broad at the end seemed to boast of it and +caused warning from a steady gentleman and excellent lodger with breakfast +by the week but a little irritable and use of a sitting-room when required, +his words being “Mrs. Lirriper I have arrived at the point of +admitting that the Black is a man and a brother, but only in a natural +form and when it can’t be got off.” Well consequently +I put poor Sophy on to other work and forbid her answering the door +or answering a bell on any account but she was so unfortunately willing +that nothing would stop her flying up the kitchen-stairs whenever a +bell was heard to tingle. I put it to her “O Sophy Sophy +for goodness’ goodness’ sake where does it come from?” +To which that poor unlucky willing mortal—bursting out crying +to see me so vexed replied “I took a deal of black into me ma’am +when I was a small child being much neglected and I think it must be, +that it works out,” so it continuing to work out of that poor +thing and not having another fault to find with her I says “Sophy +what do you seriously think of my helping you away to New South Wales +where it might not be noticed?” Nor did I ever repent the +money which was well spent, for she married the ship’s cook on +the voyage (himself a Mulotter) and did well and lived happy, and so +far as ever I heard it was <i>not</i> noticed in a new state of society +to her dying day.</p> +<p>In what way Miss Wozenham lower down on the other side of the way +reconciled it to her feelings as a lady (which she is not) to entice +Mary Anne Perkinsop from my service is best known to herself, I do not +know and I do not wish to know how opinions are formed at Wozenham’s +on any point. But Mary Anne Perkinsop although I behaved handsomely +to her and she behaved unhandsomely to me was worth her weight in gold +as overawing lodgers without driving them away, for lodgers would be +far more sparing of their bells with Mary Anne than I ever knew them +to be with Maid or Mistress, which is a great triumph especially when +accompanied with a cast in the eye and a bag of bones, but it was the +steadiness of her way with them through her father’s having failed +in Pork. It was Mary Anne’s looking so respectable in her +person and being so strict in her spirits that conquered the tea-and-sugarest +gentleman (for he weighed them both in a pair of scales every morning) +that I have ever had to deal with and no lamb grew meeker, still it +afterwards came round to me that Miss Wozenham happening to pass and +seeing Mary Anne take in the milk of a milkman that made free in a rosy-faced +way (I think no worse of him) with every girl in the street but was +quite frozen up like the statue at Charing-cross by her, saw Mary Anne’s +value in the lodging business and went as high as one pound per quarter +more, consequently Mary Anne with not a word betwixt us says “If +you will provide yourself Mrs. Lirriper in a month from this day I have +already done the same,” which hurt me and I said so, and she then +hurt me more by insinuating that her father having failed in Pork had +laid her open to it.</p> +<p>My dear I do assure you it’s a harassing thing to know what +kind of girls to give the preference to, for if they are lively they +get bell’d off their legs and if they are sluggish you suffer +from it yourself in complaints and if they are sparkling-eyed they get +made love to, and if they are smart in their persons they try on your +Lodgers’ bonnets and if they are musical I defy you to keep them +away from bands and organs, and allowing for any difference you like +in their heads their heads will be always out of window just the same. +And then what the gentlemen like in girls the ladies don’t, which +is fruitful hot water for all parties, and then there’s temper +though such a temper as Caroline Maxey’s I hope not often. +A good-looking black-eyed girl was Caroline and a comely-made girl to +your cost when she did break out and laid about her, as took place first +and last through a new-married couple come to see London in the first +floor and the lady very high and it <i>was</i> supposed not liking the +good looks of Caroline having none of her own to spare, but anyhow she +did try Caroline though that was no excuse. So one afternoon Caroline +comes down into the kitchen flushed and flashing, and she says to me +“Mrs. Lirriper that woman in the first has aggravated me past +bearing,” I says “Caroline keep your temper,” Caroline +says with a curdling laugh “Keep my temper? You’re +right Mrs. Lirriper, so I will. Capital D her!” bursts out +Caroline (you might have struck me into the centre of the earth with +a feather when she said it) “I’ll give her a touch of the +temper that <i>I</i> keep!” Caroline downs with her hair +my dear, screeches and rushes up-stairs, I following as fast as my trembling +legs could bear me, but before I got into the room the dinner-cloth +and pink-and-white service all dragged off upon the floor with a crash +and the new-married couple on their backs in the firegrate, him with +the shovel and tongs and a dish of cucumber across him and a mercy it +was summer-time. “Caroline” I says “be calm,” +but she catches off my cap and tears it in her teeth as she passes me, +then pounces on the new-married lady makes her a bundle of ribbons takes +her by the two ears and knocks the back of her head upon the carpet +Murder screaming all the time Policemen running down the street and +Wozenham’s windows (judge of my feelings when I came to know it) +thrown up and Miss Wozenham calling out from the balcony with crocodile’s +tears “It’s Mrs. Lirriper been overcharging somebody to +madness—she’ll be murdered—I always thought so—Pleeseman +save her!” My dear four of them and Caroline behind the +chiffoniere attacking with the poker and when disarmed prize-fighting +with her double fists, and down and up and up and down and dreadful! +But I couldn’t bear to see the poor young creature roughly handled +and her hair torn when they got the better of her, and I says “Gentlemen +Policemen pray remember that her sex is the sex of your mothers and +sisters and your sweethearts, and God bless them and you!” +And there she was sitting down on the ground handcuffed, taking breath +against the skirting-board and them cool with their coats in strips, +and all she says was “Mrs. Lirriper I’m sorry as ever I +touched you, for you’re a kind motherly old thing,” and +it made me think that I had often wished I had been a mother indeed +and how would my heart have felt if I had been the mother of that girl! +Well you know it turned out at the Police-office that she had done it +before, and she had her clothes away and was sent to prison, and when +she was to come out I trotted off to the gate in the evening with just +a morsel of jelly in that little basket of mine to give her a mite of +strength to face the world again, and there I met with a very decent +mother waiting for her son through bad company and a stubborn one he +was with his half-boots not laced. So out came Caroline and I +says “Caroline come along with me and sit down under the wall +where it’s retired and eat a little trifle that I have brought +with me to do you good,” and she throws her arms round my neck +and says sobbing “O why were you never a mother when there are +such mothers as there are!” she says, and in half a minute more +she begins to laugh and says “Did I really tear your cap to shreds?” +and when I told her “You certainly did so Caroline” she +laughed again and said while she patted my face “Then why do you +wear such queer old caps you dear old thing? if you hadn’t worn +such queer old caps I don’t think I should have done it even then.” +Fancy the girl! Nothing could get out of her what she was going +to do except O she would do well enough, and we parted she being very +thankful and kissing my hands, and I nevermore saw or heard of that +girl, except that I shall always believe that a very genteel cap which +was brought anonymous to me one Saturday night in an oilskin basket +by a most impertinent young sparrow of a monkey whistling with dirty +shoes on the clean steps and playing the harp on the Airy railings with +a hoop-stick came from Caroline.</p> +<p>What you lay yourself open to my dear in the way of being the object +of uncharitable suspicions when you go into the Lodging business I have +not the words to tell you, but never was I so dishonourable as to have +two keys nor would I willingly think it even of Miss Wozenham lower +down on the other side of the way sincerely hoping that it may not be, +though doubtless at the same time money cannot come from nowhere and +it is not reason to suppose that Bradshaws put it in for love be it +blotty as it may. It <i>is</i> a hardship hurting to the feelings +that Lodgers open their minds so wide to the idea that you are trying +to get the better of them and shut their minds so close to the idea +that they are trying to get the better of you, but as Major Jackman +says to me, “I know the ways of this circular world Mrs. Lirriper, +and that’s one of ’em all round it” and many is the +little ruffle in my mind that the Major has smoothed, for he is a clever +man who has seen much. Dear dear, thirteen years have passed though +it seems but yesterday since I was sitting with my glasses on at the +open front parlour window one evening in August (the parlours being +then vacant) reading yesterday’s paper my eyes for print being +poor though still I am thankful to say a long sight at a distance, when +I hear a gentleman come posting across the road and up the street in +a dreadful rage talking to himself in a fury and d’ing and c’ing +somebody. “By George!” says he out loud and clutching +his walking-stick, “I’ll go to Mrs. Lirriper’s. +Which is Mrs. Lirriper’s?” Then looking round and +seeing me he flourishes his hat right off his head as if I had been +the queen and he says, “Excuse the intrusion Madam, but pray Madam +can you tell me at what number in this street there resides a well-known +and much-respected lady by the name of Lirriper?” A little +flustered though I must say gratified I took off my glasses and courtesied +and said “Sir, Mrs. Lirriper is your humble servant.” +“Astonishing!” says he. “A million pardons! +Madam, may I ask you to have the kindness to direct one of your domestics +to open the door to a gentleman in search of apartments, by the name +of Jackman?” I had never heard the name but a politer gentleman +I never hope to see, for says he, “Madam I am shocked at your +opening the door yourself to no worthier a fellow than Jemmy Jackman. +After you Madam. I never precede a lady.” Then he +comes into the parlours and he sniffs, and he says “Hah! +These are parlours! Not musty cupboards” he says “but +parlours, and no smell of coal-sacks.” Now my dear it having +been remarked by some inimical to the whole neighbourhood that it always +smells of coal-sacks which might prove a drawback to Lodgers if encouraged, +I says to the Major gently though firmly that I think he is referring +to Arundel or Surrey or Howard but not Norfolk. “Madam” +says he “I refer to Wozenham’s lower down over the way—Madam +you can form no notion what Wozenham’s is—Madam it is a +vast coal-sack, and Miss Wozenham has the principles and manners of +a female heaver—Madam from the manner in which I have heard her +mention you I know she has no appreciation of a lady, and from the manner +in which she has conducted herself towards me I know she has no appreciation +of a gentleman—Madam my name is Jackman—should you require +any other reference than what I have already said, I name the Bank of +England—perhaps you know it!” Such was the beginning +of the Major’s occupying the parlours and from that hour to this +the same and a most obliging Lodger and punctual in all respects except +one irregular which I need not particularly specify, but made up for +by his being a protection and at all times ready to fill in the papers +of the Assessed Taxes and Juries and that, and once collared a young +man with the drawing-room clock under his coat, and once on the parapets +with his own hands and blankets put out the kitchen chimney and afterwards +attending the summons made a most eloquent speech against the Parish +before the magistrates and saved the engine, and ever quite the gentleman +though passionate. And certainly Miss Wozenham’s detaining +the trunks and umbrella was not in a liberal spirit though it may have +been according to her rights in law or an act <i>I</i> would myself +have stooped to, the Major being so much the gentleman that though he +is far from tall he seems almost so when he has his shirt-frill out +and his frock-coat on and his hat with the curly brims, and in what +service he was I cannot truly tell you my dear whether Militia or Foreign, +for I never heard him even name himself as Major but always simple “Jemmy +Jackman” and once soon after he came when I felt it my duty to +let him know that Miss Wozenham had put it about that he was no Major +and I took the liberty of adding “which you are sir” his +words were “Madam at any rate I am not a Minor, and sufficient +for the day is the evil thereof” which cannot be denied to be +the sacred truth, nor yet his military ways of having his boots with +only the dirt brushed off taken to him in the front parlour every morning +on a clean plate and varnishing them himself with a little sponge and +a saucer and a whistle in a whisper so sure as ever his breakfast is +ended, and so neat his ways that it never soils his linen which is scrupulous +though more in quality than quantity, neither that nor his mustachios +which to the best of my belief are done at the same time and which are +as black and shining as his boots, his head of hair being a lovely white.</p> +<p>It was the third year nearly up of the Major’s being in the +parlours that early one morning in the month of February when Parliament +was coming on and you may therefore suppose a number of impostors were +about ready to take hold of anything they could get, a gentleman and +a lady from the country came in to view the Second, and I well remember +that I had been looking out of window and had watched them and the heavy +sleet driving down the street together looking for bills. I did +not quite take to the face of the gentleman though he was good-looking +too but the lady was a very pretty young thing and delicate, and it +seemed too rough for her to be out at all though she had only come from +the Adelphi Hotel which would not have been much above a quarter of +a mile if the weather had been less severe. Now it did so happen +my dear that I had been forced to put five shillings weekly additional +on the second in consequence of a loss from running away full dressed +as if going out to a dinner-party, which was very artful and had made +me rather suspicious taking it along with Parliament, so when the gentleman +proposed three months certain and the money in advance and leave then +reserved to renew on the same terms for six months more, I says I was +not quite certain but that I might have engaged myself to another party +but would step down-stairs and look into it if they would take a seat. +They took a seat and I went down to the handle of the Major’s +door that I had already began to consult finding it a great blessing, +and I knew by his whistling in a whisper that he was varnishing his +boots which was generally considered private, however he kindly calls +out “If it’s you, Madam, come in,” and I went in and +told him.</p> +<p>“Well, Madam,” says the Major rubbing his nose—as +I did fear at the moment with the black sponge but it was only his knuckle, +he being always neat and dexterous with his fingers—“well, +Madam, I suppose you would be glad of the money?”</p> +<p>I was delicate of saying “Yes” too out, for a little +extra colour rose into the Major’s cheeks and there was irregularity +which I will not particularly specify in a quarter which I will not +name.</p> +<p>“I am of opinion, Madam,” says the Major, “that +when money is ready for you—when it is ready for you, Mrs. Lirriper—you +ought to take it. What is there against it, Madam, in this case +up-stairs?”</p> +<p>“I really cannot say there is anything against it, sir, still +I thought I would consult you.”</p> +<p>“You said a newly-married couple, I think, Madam?” says +the Major.</p> +<p>I says “Ye-es. Evidently. And indeed the young +lady mentioned to me in a casual way that she had not been married many +months.”</p> +<p>The Major rubbed his nose again and stirred the varnish round and +round in its little saucer with his piece of sponge and took to his +whistling in a whisper for a few moments. Then he says “You +would call it a Good Let, Madam?”</p> +<p>“O certainly a Good Let sir.”</p> +<p>“Say they renew for the additional six months. Would +it put you about very much Madam if—if the worst was to come to +the worst?” said the Major.</p> +<p>“Well I hardly know,” I says to the Major. “It +depends upon circumstances. Would <i>you</i> object Sir for instance?”</p> +<p>“I?” says the Major. “Object? Jemmy +Jackman? Mrs. Lirriper close with the proposal.”</p> +<p>So I went up-stairs and accepted, and they came in next day which +was Saturday and the Major was so good as to draw up a Memorandum of +an agreement in a beautiful round hand and expressions that sounded +to me equally legal and military, and Mr. Edson signed it on the Monday +morning and the Major called upon Mr. Edson on the Tuesday and Mr. Edson +called upon the Major on the Wednesday and the Second and the parlours +were as friendly as could be wished.</p> +<p>The three months paid for had run out and we had got without any +fresh overtures as to payment into May my dear, when there came an obligation +upon Mr. Edson to go a business expedition right across the Isle of +Man, which fell quite unexpected upon that pretty little thing and is +not a place that according to my views is particularly in the way to +anywhere at any time but that may be a matter of opinion. So short +a notice was it that he was to go next day, and dreadfully she cried +poor pretty, and I am sure I cried too when I saw her on the cold pavement +in the sharp east wind—it being a very backward spring that year—taking +a last leave of him with her pretty bright hair blowing this way and +that and her arms clinging round his neck and him saying “There +there there. Now let me go Peggy.” And by that time +it was plain that what the Major had been so accommodating as to say +he would not object to happening in the house, would happen in it, and +I told her as much when he was gone while I comforted her with my arm +up the staircase, for I says “You will soon have others to keep +up for my pretty and you must think of that.”</p> +<p>His letter never came when it ought to have come and what she went +through morning after morning when the postman brought none for her +the very postman himself compassionated when she ran down to the door, +and yet we cannot wonder at its being calculated to blunt the feelings +to have all the trouble of other people’s letters and none of +the pleasure and doing it oftener in the mud and mizzle than not and +at a rate of wages more resembling Little Britain than Great. +But at last one morning when she was too poorly to come running down-stairs +he says to me with a pleased look in his face that made me next to love +the man in his uniform coat though he was dripping wet “I have +taken you first in the street this morning Mrs. Lirriper, for here’s +the one for Mrs. Edson.” I went up to her bedroom with it +as fast as ever I could go, and she sat up in bed when she saw it and +kissed it and tore it open and then a blank stare came upon her. +“It’s very short!” she says lifting her large eyes +to my face. “O Mrs. Lirriper it’s very short!” +I says “My dear Mrs. Edson no doubt that’s because your +husband hadn’t time to write more just at that time.” +“No doubt, no doubt,” says she, and puts her two hands on +her face and turns round in her bed.</p> +<p>I shut her softly in and I crept down-stairs and I tapped at the +Major’s door, and when the Major having his thin slices of bacon +in his own Dutch oven saw me he came out of his chair and put me down +on the sofa. “Hush!” says he, “I see something’s +the matter. Don’t speak—take time.” I +says “O Major I’m afraid there’s cruel work up-stairs.” +“Yes yes” says he “I had begun to be afraid of it—take +time.” And then in opposition to his own words he rages +out frightfully, and says “I shall never forgive myself Madam, +that I, Jemmy Jackman, didn’t see it all that morning—didn’t +go straight up-stairs when my boot-sponge was in my hand—didn’t +force it down his throat—and choke him dead with it on the spot!”</p> +<p>The Major and me agreed when we came to ourselves that just at present +we could do no more than take on to suspect nothing and use our best +endeavours to keep that poor young creature quiet, and what I ever should +have done without the Major when it got about among the organ-men that +quiet was our object is unknown, for he made lion and tiger war upon +them to that degree that without seeing it I could not have believed +it was in any gentleman to have such a power of bursting out with fire-irons +walking-sticks water-jugs coals potatoes off his table the very hat +off his head, and at the same time so furious in foreign languages that +they would stand with their handles half-turned fixed like the Sleeping +Ugly—for I cannot say Beauty.</p> +<p>Ever to see the postman come near the house now gave me such I fear +that it was a reprieve when he went by, but in about another ten days +or a fortnight he says again, “Here’s one for Mrs. Edson.—Is +she pretty well?” “She is pretty well postman, but +not well enough to rise so early as she used” which was so far +gospel-truth.</p> +<p>I carried the letter in to the Major at his breakfast and I says +tottering “Major I have not the courage to take it up to her.”</p> +<p>“It’s an ill-looking villain of a letter,” says +the Major.</p> +<p>“I have not the courage Major” I says again in a tremble +“to take it up to her.”</p> +<p>After seeming lost in consideration for some moments the Major says, +raising his head as if something new and useful had occurred to his +mind “Mrs. Lirriper, I shall never forgive myself that I, Jemmy +Jackman, didn’t go straight up-stairs that morning when my boot-sponge +was in my hand—and force it down his throat—and choke him +dead with it.”</p> +<p>“Major” I says a little hasty “you didn’t +do it which is a blessing, for it would have done no good and I think +your sponge was better employed on your own honourable boots.”</p> +<p>So we got to be rational, and planned that I should tap at her bedroom +door and lay the letter on the mat outside and wait on the upper landing +for what might happen, and never was gunpowder cannon-balls or shells +or rockets more dreaded than that dreadful letter was by me as I took +it to the second floor.</p> +<p>A terrible loud scream sounded through the house the minute after +she had opened it, and I found her on the floor lying as if her life +was gone. My dear I never looked at the face of the letter which +was lying, open by her, for there was no occasion.</p> +<p>Everything I needed to bring her round the Major brought up with +his own hands, besides running out to the chemist’s for what was +not in the house and likewise having the fiercest of all his many skirmishes +with a musical instrument representing a ball-room I do not know in +what particular country and company waltzing in and out at folding-doors +with rolling eyes. When after a long time I saw her coming to, +I slipped on the landing till I heard her cry, and then I went in and +says cheerily “Mrs. Edson you’re not well my dear and it’s +not to be wondered at,” as if I had not been in before. +Whether she believed or disbelieved I cannot say and it would signify +nothing if I could, but I stayed by her for hours and then she God ever +blesses me! and says she will try to rest for her head is bad.</p> +<p>“Major,” I whispers, looking in at the parlours, “I +beg and pray of you don’t go out.”</p> +<p>The Major whispers, “Madam, trust me I will do no such a thing. +How is she?”</p> +<p>I says “Major the good Lord above us only knows what burns +and rages in her poor mind. I left her sitting at her window. +I am going to sit at mine.”</p> +<p>It came on afternoon and it came on evening. Norfolk is a delightful +street to lodge in—provided you don’t go lower down—but +of a summer evening when the dust and waste paper lie in it and stray +children play in it and a kind of a gritty calm and bake settles on +it and a peal of church-bells is practising in the neighbourhood it +is a trifle dull, and never have I seen it since at such a time and +never shall I see it evermore at such a time without seeing the dull +June evening when that forlorn young creature sat at her open corner +window on the second and me at my open corner window (the other corner) +on the third. Something merciful, something wiser and better far +than my own self, had moved me while it was yet light to sit in my bonnet +and shawl, and as the shadows fell and the tide rose I could sometimes—when +I put out my head and looked at her window below—see that she +leaned out a little looking down the street. It was just settling +dark when I saw <i>her</i> in the street.</p> +<p>So fearful of losing sight of her that it almost stops my breath +while I tell it, I went down-stairs faster than I ever moved in all +my life and only tapped with my hand at the Major’s door in passing +it and slipping out. She was gone already. I made the same +speed down the street and when I came to the corner of Howard Street +I saw that she had turned it and was there plain before me going towards +the west. O with what a thankful heart I saw her going along!</p> +<p>She was quite unacquainted with London and had very seldom been out +for more than an airing in our own street where she knew two or three +little children belonging to neighbours and had sometimes stood among +them at the street looking at the water. She must be going at +hazard I knew, still she kept the by-streets quite correctly as long +as they would serve her, and then turned up into the Strand. But +at every corner I could see her head turned one way, and that way was +always the river way.</p> +<p>It may have been only the darkness and quiet of the Adelphi that +caused her to strike into it but she struck into it much as readily +as if she had set out to go there, which perhaps was the case. +She went straight down to the Terrace and along it and looked over the +iron rail, and I often woke afterwards in my own bed with the horror +of seeing her do it. The desertion of the wharf below and the +flowing of the high water there seemed to settle her purpose. +She looked about as if to make out the way down, and she struck out +the right way or the wrong way—I don’t know which, for I +don’t know the place before or since—and I followed her +the way she went.</p> +<p>It was noticeable that all this time she never once looked back. +But there was now a great change in the manner of her going, and instead +of going at a steady quick walk with her arms folded before her,—among +the dark dismal arches she went in a wild way with her arms opened wide, +as if they were wings and she was flying to her death.</p> +<p>We were on the wharf and she stopped. I stopped. I saw +her hands at her bonnet-strings, and I rushed between her and the brink +and took her round the waist with both my arms. She might have +drowned me, I felt then, but she could never have got quit of me.</p> +<p>Down to that moment my mind had been all in a maze and not half an +idea had I had in it what I should say to her, but the instant I touched +her it came to me like magic and I had my natural voice and my senses +and even almost my breath.</p> +<p>“Mrs. Edson!” I says “My dear! Take care. +How ever did you lose your way and stumble on a dangerous place like +this? Why you must have come here by the most perplexing streets +in all London. No wonder you are lost, I’m sure. And +this place too! Why I thought nobody ever got here, except me +to order my coals and the Major in the parlours to smoke his cigar!”—for +I saw that blessed man close by, pretending to it.</p> +<p>“Hah—Hah—Hum!” coughs the Major.</p> +<p>“And good gracious me” I says, “why here he is!”</p> +<p>“Halloa! who goes there?” says the Major in a military +manner.</p> +<p>“Well!” I says, “if this don’t beat everything! +Don’t you know us Major Jackman?”</p> +<p>“Halloa!” says the Major. “Who calls on Jemmy +Jackman?” (and more out of breath he was, and did it less like +life than I should have expected.)</p> +<p>“Why here’s Mrs. Edson Major” I says, “strolling +out to cool her poor head which has been very bad, has missed her way +and got lost, and Goodness knows where she might have got to but for +me coming here to drop an order into my coal merchant’s letter-box +and you coming here to smoke your cigar!—And you really are not +well enough my dear” I says to her “to be half so far from +home without me. And your arm will be very acceptable I am sure +Major” I says to him “and I know she may lean upon it as +heavy as she likes.” And now we had both got her—thanks +be Above!—one on each side.</p> +<p>She was all in a cold shiver and she so continued till I laid her +on her own bed, and up to the early morning she held me by the hand +and moaned and moaned “O wicked, wicked, wicked!” +But when at last I made believe to droop my head and be overpowered +with a dead sleep, I heard that poor young creature give such touching +and such humble thanks for being preserved from taking her own life +in her madness that I thought I should have cried my eyes out on the +counterpane and I knew she was safe.</p> +<p>Being well enough to do and able to afford it, me and the Major laid +our little plans next day while she was asleep worn out, and so I says +to her as soon as I could do it nicely:</p> +<p>“Mrs. Edson my dear, when Mr. Edson paid me the rent for these +farther six months—”</p> +<p>She gave a start and I felt her large eyes look at me, but I went +on with it and with my needlework.</p> +<p>“—I can’t say that I am quite sure I dated the +receipt right. Could you let me look at it?”</p> +<p>She laid her frozen cold hand upon mine and she looked through me +when I was forced to look up from my needlework, but I had taken the +precaution of having on my spectacles.</p> +<p>“I have no receipt” says she.</p> +<p>“Ah! Then he has got it” I says in a careless way. +“It’s of no great consequence. A receipt’s a +receipt.”</p> +<p>From that time she always had hold of my hand when I could spare +it which was generally only when I read to her, for of course she and +me had our bits of needlework to plod at and neither of us was very +handy at those little things, though I am still rather proud of my share +in them too considering. And though she took to all I read to +her, I used to fancy that next to what was taught upon the Mount she +took most of all to His gentle compassion for us poor women and to His +young life and to how His mother was proud of Him and treasured His +sayings in her heart. She had a grateful look in her eyes that +never never never will be out of mine until they are closed in my last +sleep, and when I chanced to look at her without thinking of it I would +always meet that look, and she would often offer me her trembling lip +to kiss, much more like a little affectionate half broken-hearted child +than ever I can imagine any grown person.</p> +<p>One time the trembling of this poor lip was so strong and her tears +ran down so fast that I thought she was going to tell me all her woe, +so I takes her two hands in mine and I says:</p> +<p>“No my dear not now, you had best not try to do it now. +Wait for better times when you have got over this and are strong, and +then you shall tell me whatever you will. Shall it be agreed?”</p> +<p>With our hands still joined she nodded her head many times, and she +lifted my hands and put them to her lips and to her bosom. “Only +one word now my dear” I says. “Is there any one?”</p> +<p>She looked inquiringly “Any one?”</p> +<p>“That I can go to?”</p> +<p>She shook her head.</p> +<p>“No one that I can bring?”</p> +<p>She shook her head.</p> +<p>“No one is wanted by <i>me</i> my dear. Now that may +be considered past and gone.”</p> +<p>Not much more than a week afterwards—for this was far on in +the time of our being so together—I was bending over at her bedside +with my ear down to her lips, by turns listening for her breath and +looking for a sign of life in her face. At last it came in a solemn +way—not in a flash but like a kind of pale faint light brought +very slow to the face.</p> +<p>She said something to me that had no sound in it, but I saw she asked +me:</p> +<p>“Is this death?”</p> +<p>And I says:</p> +<p>“Poor dear poor dear, I think it is.”</p> +<p>Knowing somehow that she wanted me to move her weak right hand, I +took it and laid it on her breast and then folded her other hand upon +it, and she prayed a good good prayer and I joined in it poor me though +there were no words spoke. Then I brought the baby in its wrappers +from where it lay, and I says:</p> +<p>“My dear this is sent to a childless old woman. This +is for me to take care of.”</p> +<p>The trembling lip was put up towards my face for the last time, and +I dearly kissed it.</p> +<p>“Yes my dear,” I says. “Please God! +Me and the Major.”</p> +<p>I don’t know how to tell it right, but I saw her soul brighten +and leap up, and get free and fly away in the grateful look.</p> +<p>* * * * *</p> +<p>So this is the why and wherefore of its coming to pass my dear that +we called him Jemmy, being after the Major his own godfather with Lirriper +for a surname being after myself, and never was a dear child such a +brightening thing in a Lodgings or such a playmate to his grandmother +as Jemmy to this house and me, and always good and minding what he was +told (upon the whole) and soothing for the temper and making everything +pleasanter except when he grew old enough to drop his cap down Wozenham’s +Airy and they wouldn’t hand it up to him, and being worked into +a state I put on my best bonnet and gloves and parasol with the child +in my hand and I says “Miss Wozenham I little thought ever to +have entered your house but unless my grandson’s cap is instantly +restored, the laws of this country regulating the property of the Subject +shall at length decide betwixt yourself and me, cost what it may.” +With a sneer upon her face which did strike me I must say as being expressive +of two keys but it may have been a mistake and if there is any doubt +let Miss Wozenham have the full benefit of it as is but right, she rang +the bell and she says “Jane, is there a street-child’s old +cap down our Airy?” I says “Miss Wozenham before your +housemaid answers that question you must allow me to inform you to your +face that my grandson is <i>not</i> a street-child and is <i>not</i> +in the habit of wearing old caps. In fact” I says “Miss +Wozenham I am far from sure that my grandson’s cap may not be +newer than your own” which was perfectly savage in me, her lace +being the commonest machine-make washed and torn besides, but I had +been put into a state to begin with fomented by impertinence. +Miss Wozenham says red in the face “Jane you heard my question, +is there any child’s cap down our Airy?” “Yes +Ma’am” says Jane, “I think I did see some such rubbish +a-lying there.” “Then” says Miss Wozenham “let +these visitors out, and then throw up that worthless article out of +my premises.” But here the child who had been staring at +Miss Wozenham with all his eyes and more, frowns down his little eyebrows +purses up his little mouth puts his chubby legs far apart turns his +little dimpled fists round and round slowly over one another like a +little coffee-mill, and says to her “Oo impdent to mi Gran, me +tut oor hi!” “O!” says Miss Wozenham looking +down scornfully at the Mite “this is not a street-child is it +not! Really!” I bursts out laughing and I says “Miss +Wozenham if this ain’t a pretty sight to you I don’t envy +your feelings and I wish you good-day. Jemmy come along with Gran.” +And I was still in the best of humours though his cap came flying up +into the street as if it had been just turned on out of the water-plug, +and I went home laughing all the way, all owing to that dear boy.</p> +<p>The miles and miles that me and the Major have travelled with Jemmy +in the dusk between the lights are not to be calculated, Jemmy driving +on the coach-box which is the Major’s brass-bound writing desk +on the table, me inside in the easy-chair and the Major Guard up behind +with a brown-paper horn doing it really wonderful. I do assure +you my dear that sometimes when I have taken a few winks in my place +inside the coach and have come half awake by the flashing light of the +fire and have heard that precious pet driving and the Major blowing +up behind to have the change of horses ready when we got to the Inn, +I have half believed we were on the old North Road that my poor Lirriper +knew so well. Then to see that child and the Major both wrapped +up getting down to warm their feet and going stamping about and having +glasses of ale out of the paper matchboxes on the chimney-piece is to +see the Major enjoying it fully as much as the child I am very sure, +and it’s equal to any play when Coachee opens the coach-door to +look in at me inside and say “Wery ’past that ’tage.—’Prightened +old lady?”</p> +<p>But what my inexpressible feelings were when we lost that child can +only be compared to the Major’s which were not a shade better, +through his straying out at five years old and eleven o’clock +in the forenoon and never heard of by word or sign or deed till half-past +nine at night, when the Major had gone to the Editor of the <i>Times</i> +newspaper to put in an advertisement, which came out next day four-and-twenty +hours after he was found, and which I mean always carefully to keep +in my lavender drawer as the first printed account of him. The +more the day got on, the more I got distracted and the Major too and +both of us made worse by the composed ways of the police though very +civil and obliging and what I must call their obstinacy in not entertaining +the idea that he was stolen. “We mostly find Mum” +says the sergeant who came round to comfort me, which he didn’t +at all and he had been one of the private constables in Caroline’s +time to which he referred in his opening words when he said “Don’t +give way to uneasiness in your mind Mum, it’ll all come as right +as my nose did when I got the same barked by that young woman in your +second floor”—says this sergeant “we mostly find Mum +as people ain’t over-anxious to have what I may call second-hand +children. <i>You’ll</i> get him back Mum.” “O +but my dear good sir” I says clasping my hands and wringing them +and clasping them again “he is such an uncommon child!” +“Yes Mum” says the sergeant, “we mostly find that +too Mum. The question is what his clothes were worth.” +“His clothes” I says “were not worth much sir for +he had only got his playing-dress on, but the dear child!—” +“All right Mum” says the sergeant. “You’ll +get him back Mum. And even if he’d had his best clothes +on, it wouldn’t come to worse than his being found wrapped up +in a cabbage-leaf, a shivering in a lane.” His words pierced +my heart like daggers and daggers, and me and the Major ran in and out +like wild things all day long till the Major returning from his interview +with the Editor of the <i>Times</i> at night rushes into my little room +hysterical and squeezes my hand and wipes his eyes and says “Joy +joy—officer in plain clothes came up on the steps as I was letting +myself in—compose your feelings—Jemmy’s found.” +Consequently I fainted away and when I came to, embraced the legs of +the officer in plain clothes who seemed to be taking a kind of a quiet +inventory in his mind of the property in my little room with brown whiskers, +and I says “Blessings on you sir where is the Darling!” +and he says “In Kennington Station House.” I was dropping +at his feet Stone at the image of that Innocence in cells with murderers +when he adds “He followed the Monkey.” I says deeming +it slang language “O sir explain for a loving grandmother what +Monkey!” He says “Him in the spangled cap with the +strap under the chin, as won’t keep on—him as sweeps the +crossings on a round table and don’t want to draw his sabre more +than he can help.” Then I understood it all and most thankfully +thanked him, and me and the Major and him drove over to Kennington and +there we found our boy lying quite comfortable before a blazing fire +having sweetly played himself to sleep upon a small accordion nothing +like so big as a flat-iron which they had been so kind as to lend him +for the purpose and which it appeared had been stopped upon a very young +person.</p> +<p>My dear the system upon which the Major commenced and as I may say +perfected Jemmy’s learning when he was so small that if the dear +was on the other side of the table you had to look under it instead +of over it to see him with his mother’s own bright hair in beautiful +curls, is a thing that ought to be known to the Throne and Lords and +Commons and then might obtain some promotion for the Major which he +well deserves and would be none the worse for (speaking between friends) +L. S. D.-ically. When the Major first undertook his learning he +says to me:</p> +<p>“I’m going Madam,” he says “to make our child +a Calculating Boy.</p> +<p>“Major,” I says, “you terrify me and may do the +pet a permanent injury you would never forgive yourself.”</p> +<p>“Madam,” says the Major, “next to my regret that +when I had my boot-sponge in my hand, I didn’t choke that scoundrel +with it—on the spot—”</p> +<p>“There! For Gracious’ sake,” I interrupts, +“let his conscience find him without sponges.”</p> +<p>“—I say next to that regret, Madam,” says the Major +“would be the regret with which my breast,” which he tapped, +“would be surcharged if this fine mind was not early cultivated. +But mark me Madam,” says the Major holding up his forefinger “cultivated +on a principle that will make it a delight.”</p> +<p>“Major” I says “I will be candid with you and tell +you openly that if ever I find the dear child fall off in his appetite +I shall know it is his calculations and shall put a stop to them at +two minutes’ notice. Or if I find them mounting to his head” +I says, “or striking anyways cold to his stomach or leading to +anything approaching flabbiness in his legs, the result will be the +same, but Major you are a clever man and have seen much and you love +the child and are his own godfather, and if you feel a confidence in +trying try.”</p> +<p>“Spoken Madam” says the Major “like Emma Lirriper. +All I have to ask, Madam, is that you will leave my godson and myself +to make a week or two’s preparations for surprising you, and that +you will give me leave to have up and down any small articles not actually +in use that I may require from the kitchen.”</p> +<p>“From the kitchen Major?” I says half feeling as if he +had a mind to cook the child.</p> +<p>“From the kitchen” says the Major, and smiles and swells, +and at the same time looks taller.</p> +<p>So I passed my word and the Major and the dear boy were shut up together +for half an hour at a time through a certain while, and never could +I hear anything going on betwixt them but talking and laughing and Jemmy +clapping his hands and screaming out numbers, so I says to myself “it +has not harmed him yet” nor could I on examining the dear find +any signs of it anywhere about him which was likewise a great relief. +At last one day Jemmy brings me a card in joke in the Major’s +neat writing “The Messrs. Jemmy Jackman” for we had given +him the Major’s other name too “request the honour of Mrs. +Lirriper’s company at the Jackman Institution in the front parlour +this evening at five, military time, to witness a few slight feats of +elementary arithmetic.” And if you’ll believe me there +in the front parlour at five punctual to the moment was the Major behind +the Pembroke table with both leaves up and a lot of things from the +kitchen tidily set out on old newspapers spread atop of it, and there +was the Mite stood upon a chair with his rosy cheeks flushing and his +eyes sparkling clusters of diamonds.</p> +<p>“Now Gran” says he, “oo tit down and don’t +oo touch ler people”—for he saw with every one of those +diamonds of his that I was going to give him a squeeze.</p> +<p>“Very well sir” I says “I am obedient in this good +company I am sure.” And I sits down in the easy-chair that +was put for me, shaking my sides.</p> +<p>But picture my admiration when the Major going on almost as quick +as if he was conjuring sets out all the articles he names, and says +“Three saucepans, an Italian iron, a hand-bell, a toasting-fork, +a nutmeg-grater, four potlids, a spice-box, two egg-cups, and a chopping-board—how +many?” and when that Mite instantly cries “Tifteen, tut +down tive and carry ler ’toppin-board” and then claps his +hands draws up his legs and dances on his chair.</p> +<p>My dear with the same astonishing ease and correctness him and the +Major added up the tables chairs and sofy, the picters fenders and fire-irons +their own selves me and the cat and the eyes in Miss Wozenham’s +head, and whenever the sum was done Young Roses and Diamonds claps his +hands and draws up his legs and dances on his chair.</p> +<p>The pride of the Major! (“<i>Here’s</i> a mind +Ma’am!” he says to me behind his hand.)</p> +<p>Then he says aloud, “We now come to the next elementary rule,—which +is called—”</p> +<p>“Umtraction!” cries Jemmy.</p> +<p>“Right,” says the Major. “We have here a +toasting-fork, a potato in its natural state, two potlids, one egg-cup, +a wooden spoon, and two skewers, from which it is necessary for commercial +purposes to subtract a sprat-gridiron, a small pickle-jar, two lemons, +one pepper-castor, a blackbeetle-trap, and a knob of the dresser-drawer—what +remains?”</p> +<p>“Toatin-fork!” cries Jemmy.</p> +<p>“In numbers how many?” says the Major.</p> +<p>“One!” cries Jemmy.</p> +<p>(“<i>Here’s</i> a boy, Ma’am!” says the Major +to me behind his hand.) Then the Major goes on:</p> +<p>“We now approach the next elementary rule,—which is entitled—”</p> +<p>“Tickleication” cries Jemmy.</p> +<p>“Correct” says the Major.</p> +<p>But my dear to relate to you in detail the way in which they multiplied +fourteen sticks of firewood by two bits of ginger and a larding needle, +or divided pretty well everything else there was on the table by the +heater of the Italian iron and a chamber candlestick, and got a lemon +over, would make my head spin round and round and round as it did at +the time. So I says “if you’ll excuse my addressing +the chair Professor Jackman I think the period of the lecture has now +arrived when it becomes necessary that I should take a good hug of this +young scholar.” Upon which Jemmy calls out from his station +on the chair, “Gran oo open oor arms and me’ll make a ’pring +into ’em.” So I opened my arms to him as I had opened +my sorrowful heart when his poor young mother lay a dying, and he had +his jump and we had a good long hug together and the Major prouder than +any peacock says to me behind his hand, “You need not let him +know it Madam” (which I certainly need not for the Major was quite +audible) “but he <i>is</i> a boy!”</p> +<p>In this way Jemmy grew and grew and went to day-school and continued +under the Major too, and in summer we were as happy as the days were +long, and in winter we were as happy as the days were short and there +seemed to rest a Blessing on the Lodgings for they as good as Let themselves +and would have done it if there had been twice the accommodation, when +sore and hard against my will I one day says to the Major.</p> +<p>“Major you know what I am going to break to you. Our +boy must go to boarding-school.”</p> +<p>It was a sad sight to see the Major’s countenance drop, and +I pitied the good soul with all my heart.</p> +<p>“Yes Major” I says, “though he is as popular with +the Lodgers as you are yourself and though he is to you and me what +only you and me know, still it is in the course of things and Life is +made of partings and we must part with our Pet.”</p> +<p>Bold as I spoke, I saw two Majors and half-a-dozen fireplaces, and +when the poor Major put one of his neat bright-varnished boots upon +the fender and his elbow on his knee and his head upon his hand and +rocked himself a little to and fro, I was dreadfully cut up.</p> +<p>“But” says I clearing my throat “you have so well +prepared him Major—he has had such a Tutor in you—that he +will have none of the first drudgery to go through. And he is +so clever besides that he’ll soon make his way to the front rank.”</p> +<p>“He is a boy” says the Major—having sniffed—“that +has not his like on the face of the earth.”</p> +<p>“True as you say Major, and it is not for us merely for our +own sakes to do anything to keep him back from being a credit and an +ornament wherever he goes and perhaps even rising to be a great man, +is it Major? He will have all my little savings when my work is +done (being all the world to me) and we must try to make him a wise +man and a good man, mustn’t we Major?”</p> +<p>“Madam” says the Major rising “Jemmy Jackman is +becoming an older file than I was aware of, and you put him to shame. +You are thoroughly right Madam. You are simply and undeniably +right.—And if you’ll excuse me, I’ll take a walk.”</p> +<p>So the Major being gone out and Jemmy being at home, I got the child +into my little room here and I stood him by my chair and I took his +mother’s own curls in my hand and I spoke to him loving and serious. +And when I had reminded the darling how that he was now in his tenth +year and when I had said to him about his getting on in life pretty +much what I had said to the Major I broke to him how that we must have +this same parting, and there I was forced to stop for there I saw of +a sudden the well-remembered lip with its tremble, and it so brought +back that time! But with the spirit that was in him he controlled +it soon and he says gravely nodding through his tears, “I understand +Gran—I know it <i>must</i> be, Gran—go on Gran, don’t +be afraid of <i>me</i>.” And when I had said all that ever +I could think of, he turned his bright steady face to mine and he says +just a little broken here and there “You shall see Gran that I +can be a man and that I can do anything that is grateful and loving +to you—and if I don’t grow up to be what you would like +to have me—I hope it will be—because I shall die.” +And with that he sat down by me and I went on to tell him of the school +of which I had excellent recommendations and where it was and how many +scholars and what games they played as I had heard and what length of +holidays, to all of which he listened bright and clear. And so +it came that at last he says “And now dear Gran let me kneel down +here where I have been used to say my prayers and let me fold my face +for just a minute in your gown and let me cry, for you have been more +than father—more than mother—more than brothers sisters +friends—to me!” And so he did cry and I too and we +were both much the better for it.</p> +<p>From that time forth he was true to his word and ever blithe and +ready, and even when me and the Major took him down into Lincolnshire +he was far the gayest of the party though for sure and certain he might +easily have been that, but he really was and put life into us only when +it came to the last Good-bye, he says with a wistful look, “You +wouldn’t have me not really sorry would you Gran?” and when +I says “No dear, Lord forbid!” he says “I am glad +of that!” and ran in out of sight.</p> +<p>But now that the child was gone out of the Lodgings the Major fell +into a regularly moping state. It was taken notice of by all the +Lodgers that the Major moped. He hadn’t even the same air +of being rather tall than he used to have, and if he varnished his boots +with a single gleam of interest it was as much as he did.</p> +<p>One evening the Major came into my little room to take a cup of tea +and a morsel of buttered toast and to read Jemmy’s newest letter +which had arrived that afternoon (by the very same postman more than +middle-aged upon the Beat now), and the letter raising him up a little +I says to the Major:</p> +<p>“Major you mustn’t get into a moping way.”</p> +<p>The Major shook his head. “Jemmy Jackman Madam,” +he says with a deep sigh, “is an older file than I thought him.”</p> +<p>“Moping is not the way to grow younger Major.”</p> +<p>“My dear Madam,” says the Major, “is there <i>any</i> +way of growing younger?”</p> +<p>Feeling that the Major was getting rather the best of that point +I made a diversion to another.</p> +<p>“Thirteen years! Thir-teen years! Many Lodgers +have come and gone, in the thirteen years that you have lived in the +parlours Major.”</p> +<p>“Hah!” says the Major warming. “Many Madam, +many.”</p> +<p>“And I should say you have been familiar with them all?”</p> +<p>“As a rule (with its exceptions like all rules) my dear Madam” +says the Major, “they have honoured me with their acquaintance, +and not unfrequently with their confidence.”</p> +<p>Watching the Major as he drooped his white head and stroked his black +mustachios and moped again, a thought which I think must have been going +about looking for an owner somewhere dropped into my old noddle if you +will excuse the expression.</p> +<p>“The walls of my Lodgings” I says in a casual way—for +my dear it is of no use going straight at a man who mopes—“might +have something to tell if they could tell it.”</p> +<p>The Major neither moved nor said anything but I saw he was attending +with his shoulders my dear—attending with his shoulders to what +I said. In fact I saw that his shoulders were struck by it.</p> +<p>“The dear boy was always fond of story-books” I went +on, like as if I was talking to myself. “I am sure this +house—his own home—might write a story or two for his reading +one day or another.”</p> +<p>The Major’s shoulders gave a dip and a curve and his head came +up in his shirt-collar. The Major’s head came up in his +shirt-collar as I hadn’t seen it come up since Jemmy went to school.</p> +<p>“It is unquestionable that in intervals of cribbage and a friendly +rubber, my dear Madam,” says the Major, “and also over what +used to be called in my young times—in the salad days of Jemmy +Jackman—the social glass, I have exchanged many a reminiscence +with your Lodgers.”</p> +<p>My remark was—I confess I made it with the deepest and artfullest +of intentions—“I wish our dear boy had heard them!”</p> +<p>“Are you serious Madam?” asked the Major starting and +turning full round.</p> +<p>“Why not Major?”</p> +<p>“Madam” says the Major, turning up one of his cuffs, +“they shall be written for him.”</p> +<p>“Ah! Now you speak” I says giving my hands a pleased +clap. “Now you are in a way out of moping Major!”</p> +<p>“Between this and my holidays—I mean the dear boy’s” +says the Major turning up his other cuff, “a good deal may be +done towards it.”</p> +<p>“Major you are a clever man and you have seen much and not +a doubt of it.”</p> +<p>“I’ll begin,” says the Major looking as tall as +ever he did, “to-morrow.”</p> +<p>My dear the Major was another man in three days and he was himself +again in a week and he wrote and wrote and wrote with his pen scratching +like rats behind the wainscot, and whether he had many grounds to go +upon or whether he did at all romance I cannot tell you, but what he +has written is in the left-hand glass closet of the little bookcase +close behind you.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER II—HOW THE PARLOURS ADDED A FEW WORDS</h2> +<p>I have the honour of presenting myself by the name of Jackman. +I esteem it a proud privilege to go down to posterity through the instrumentality +of the most remarkable boy that ever lived,—by the name of JEMMY +JACKMAN LIRRIPER,—and of my most worthy and most highly respected +friend, Mrs. Emma Lirriper, of Eighty-one, Norfolk Street, Strand, in +the County of Middlesex, in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and +Ireland.</p> +<p>It is not for me to express the rapture with which we received that +dear and eminently remarkable boy, on the occurrence of his first Christmas +holidays. Suffice it to observe that when he came flying into +the house with two splendid prizes (Arithmetic, and Exemplary Conduct), +Mrs. Lirriper and myself embraced with emotion, and instantly took him +to the Play, where we were all three admirably entertained.</p> +<p>Nor is it to render homage to the virtues of the best of her good +and honoured sex—whom, in deference to her unassuming worth, I +will only here designate by the initials E. L.—that I add this +record to the bundle of papers with which our, in a most distinguished +degree, remarkable boy has expressed himself delighted, before re-consigning +the same to the left-hand glass closet of Mrs. Lirriper’s little +bookcase.</p> +<p>Neither is it to obtrude the name of the old original superannuated +obscure Jemmy Jackman, once (to his degradation) of Wozenham’s, +long (to his elevation) of Lirriper’s. If I could be consciously +guilty of that piece of bad taste, it would indeed be a work of supererogation, +now that the name is borne by JEMMY JACKMAN LIRRIPER.</p> +<p>No, I take up my humble pen to register a little record of our strikingly +remarkable boy, which my poor capacity regards as presenting a pleasant +little picture of the dear boy’s mind. The picture may be +interesting to himself when he is a man.</p> +<p>Our first reunited Christmas-day was the most delightful one we have +ever passed together. Jemmy was never silent for five minutes, +except in church-time. He talked as we sat by the fire, he talked +when we were out walking, he talked as we sat by the fire again, he +talked incessantly at dinner, though he made a dinner almost as remarkable +as himself. It was the spring of happiness in his fresh young +heart flowing and flowing, and it fertilised (if I may be allowed so +bold a figure) my much-esteemed friend, and J. J. the present writer.</p> +<p>There were only we three. We dined in my esteemed friend’s +little room, and our entertainment was perfect. But everything +in the establishment is, in neatness, order, and comfort, always perfect. +After dinner our boy slipped away to his old stool at my esteemed friend’s +knee, and there, with his hot chestnuts and his glass of brown sherry +(really, a most excellent wine!) on a chair for a table, his face outshone +the apples in the dish.</p> +<p>We talked of these jottings of mine, which Jemmy had read through +and through by that time; and so it came about that my esteemed friend +remarked, as she sat smoothing Jemmy’s curls:</p> +<p>“And as you belong to the house too, Jemmy,—and so much +more than the Lodgers, having been born in it,—why, your story +ought to be added to the rest, I think, one of these days.”</p> +<p>Jemmy’s eyes sparkled at this, and he said, “So <i>I</i> +think, Gran.”</p> +<p>Then he sat looking at the fire, and then he began to laugh in a +sort of confidence with the fire, and then he said, folding his arms +across my esteemed friend’s lap, and raising his bright face to +hers. “Would you like to hear a boy’s story, Gran?”</p> +<p>“Of all things,” replied my esteemed friend.</p> +<p>“Would you, godfather?”</p> +<p>“Of all things,” I too replied.</p> +<p>“Well, then,” said Jemmy, “I’ll tell you +one.”</p> +<p>Here our indisputably remarkable boy gave himself a hug, and laughed +again, musically, at the idea of his coming out in that new line. +Then he once more took the fire into the same sort of confidence as +before, and began:</p> +<p>“Once upon a time, When pigs drank wine, And monkeys chewed +tobaccer, ’Twas neither in your time nor mine, But that’s +no macker—”</p> +<p>“Bless the child!” cried my esteemed friend, “what’s +amiss with his brain?”</p> +<p>“It’s poetry, Gran,” returned Jemmy, shouting with +laughter. “We always begin stories that way at school.”</p> +<p>“Gave me quite a turn, Major,” said my esteemed friend, +fanning herself with a plate. “Thought he was light-headed!”</p> +<p>“In those remarkable times, Gran and godfather, there was once +a boy,—not me, you know.”</p> +<p>“No, no,” says my respected friend, “not you. +Not him, Major, you understand?”</p> +<p>“No, no,” says I.</p> +<p>“And he went to school in Rutlandshire—”</p> +<p>“Why not Lincolnshire?” says my respected friend.</p> +<p>“Why not, you dear old Gran? Because <i>I</i> go to school +in Lincolnshire, don’t I?”</p> +<p>“Ah, to be sure!” says my respected friend. “And +it’s not Jemmy, you understand, Major?”</p> +<p>“No, no,” says I.</p> +<p>“Well!” our boy proceeded, hugging himself comfortably, +and laughing merrily (again in confidence with the fire), before he +again looked up in Mrs. Lirriper’s face, “and so he was +tremendously in love with his schoolmaster’s daughter, and she +was the most beautiful creature that ever was seen, and she had brown +eyes, and she had brown hair all curling beautifully, and she had a +delicious voice, and she was delicious altogether, and her name was +Seraphina.”</p> +<p>“What’s the name of <i>your</i> schoolmaster’s +daughter, Jemmy?” asks my respected friend.</p> +<p>“Polly!” replied Jemmy, pointing his forefinger at her. +“There now! Caught you! Ha, ha, ha!”</p> +<p>When he and my respected friend had had a laugh and a hug together, +our admittedly remarkable boy resumed with a great relish:</p> +<p>“Well! And so he loved her. And so he thought about +her, and dreamed about her, and made her presents of oranges and nuts, +and would have made her presents of pearls and diamonds if he could +have afforded it out of his pocket-money, but he couldn’t. +And so her father—O, he WAS a Tartar! Keeping the boys up +to the mark, holding examinations once a month, lecturing upon all sorts +of subjects at all sorts of times, and knowing everything in the world +out of book. And so this boy—”</p> +<p>“Had he any name?” asks my respected friend.</p> +<p>“No, he hadn’t, Gran. Ha, ha! There now! +Caught you again!”</p> +<p>After this, they had another laugh and another hug, and then our +boy went on.</p> +<p>“Well! And so this boy, he had a friend about as old +as himself at the same school, and his name (for He <i>had</i> a name, +as it happened) was—let me remember—was Bobbo.”</p> +<p>“Not Bob,” says my respected friend.</p> +<p>“Of course not,” says Jemmy. “What made you +think it was, Gran? Well! And so this friend was the cleverest +and bravest and best-looking and most generous of all the friends that +ever were, and so he was in love with Seraphina’s sister, and +so Seraphina’s sister was in love with him, and so they all grew +up.”</p> +<p>“Bless us!” says my respected friend. “They +were very sudden about it.”</p> +<p>“So they all grew up,” our boy repeated, laughing heartily, +“and Bobbo and this boy went away together on horseback to seek +their fortunes, and they partly got their horses by favour, and partly +in a bargain; that is to say, they had saved up between them seven and +fourpence, and the two horses, being Arabs, were worth more, only the +man said he would take that, to favour them. Well! And so +they made their fortunes and came prancing back to the school, with +their pockets full of gold, enough to last for ever. And so they +rang at the parents’ and visitors’ bell (not the back gate), +and when the bell was answered they proclaimed ‘The same as if +it was scarlet fever! Every boy goes home for an indefinite period!’ +And then there was great hurrahing, and then they kissed Seraphina and +her sister,—each his own love, and not the other’s on any +account,—and then they ordered the Tartar into instant confinement.”</p> +<p>“Poor man!” said my respected friend.</p> +<p>“Into instant confinement, Gran,” repeated Jemmy, trying +to look severe and roaring with laughter; “and he was to have +nothing to eat but the boys’ dinners, and was to drink half a +cask of their beer every day. And so then the preparations were +made for the two weddings, and there were hampers, and potted things, +and sweet things, and nuts, and postage-stamps, and all manner of things. +And so they were so jolly, that they let the Tartar out, and he was +jolly too.”</p> +<p>“I am glad they let him out,” says my respected friend, +“because he had only done his duty.”</p> +<p>“O, but hadn’t he overdone it, though!” cried Jemmy. +“Well! And so then this boy mounted his horse, with his +bride in his arms, and cantered away, and cantered on and on till he +came to a certain place where he had a certain Gran and a certain godfather,—not +you two, you know.”</p> +<p>“No, no,” we both said.</p> +<p>“And there he was received with great rejoicings, and he filled +the cupboard and the bookcase with gold, and he showered it out on his +Gran and his godfather because they were the two kindest and dearest +people that ever lived in this world. And so while they were sitting +up to their knees in gold, a knocking was heard at the street door, +and who should it be but Bobbo, also on horseback with his bride in +his arms, and what had he come to say but that he would take (at double +rent) all the Lodgings for ever, that were not wanted by this a boy +and this Gran and this godfather, and that they would all live together, +and all be happy! And so they were, and so it never ended!”</p> +<p>“And was there no quarrelling?” asked my respected friend, +as Jemmy sat upon her lap and hugged her.</p> +<p>“No! Nobody ever quarrelled.”</p> +<p>“And did the money never melt away?”</p> +<p>“No! Nobody could ever spend it all.”</p> +<p>“And did none of them ever grow older?”</p> +<p>“No! Nobody ever grew older after that.”</p> +<p>“And did none of them ever die?”</p> +<p>“O, no, no, no, Gran!” exclaimed our dear boy, laying +his cheek upon her breast, and drawing her closer to him. “Nobody +ever died.”</p> +<p>“Ah, Major, Major!” says my respected friend, smiling +benignly upon me, “this beats our stories. Let us end with +the Boy’s story, Major, for the Boy’s story is the best +that is ever told!”</p> +<p>In submission to which request on the part of the best of women, +I have here noted it down as faithfully as my best abilities, coupled +with my best intentions, would admit, subscribing it with my name,</p> +<p>J. JACKMAN.<br /> +THE PARLOURS.<br /> +MRS. LIRRIPER’S LODGINGS.</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MRS. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings + + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: April 4, 2005 [eBook #1416] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MRS. LIRRIPER'S LODGINGS*** + + + + + +Transcribed from the 1894 Chapman and Hall "Christmas Stories" edition by +David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +MRS. LIRRIPER'S LODGINGS + + +CHAPTER I--HOW MRS. LIRRIPER CARRIED ON THE BUSINESS + + +Whoever would begin to be worried with letting Lodgings that wasn't a +lone woman with a living to get is a thing inconceivable to me, my dear; +excuse the familiarity, but it comes natural to me in my own little room, +when wishing to open my mind to those that I can trust, and I should be +truly thankful if they were all mankind, but such is not so, for have but +a Furnished bill in the window and your watch on the mantelpiece, and +farewell to it if you turn your back for but a second, however +gentlemanly the manners; nor is being of your own sex any safeguard, as I +have reason, in the form of sugar-tongs to know, for that lady (and a +fine woman she was) got me to run for a glass of water, on the plea of +going to be confined, which certainly turned out true, but it was in the +Station-house. + +Number Eighty-one Norfolk Street, Strand--situated midway between the +City and St. James's, and within five minutes' walk of the principal +places of public amusement--is my address. I have rented this house many +years, as the parish rate-books will testify; and I could wish my +landlord was as alive to the fact as I am myself; but no, bless you, not +a half a pound of paint to save his life, nor so much, my dear, as a tile +upon the roof, though on your bended knees. + +My dear, you never have found Number Eighty-one Norfolk Street Strand +advertised in Bradshaw's _Railway Guide_, and with the blessing of Heaven +you never will or shall so find it. Some there are who do not think it +lowering themselves to make their names that cheap, and even going the +lengths of a portrait of the house not like it with a blot in every +window and a coach and four at the door, but what will suit Wozenham's +lower down on the other side of the way will not suit me, Miss Wozenham +having her opinions and me having mine, though when it comes to +systematic underbidding capable of being proved on oath in a court of +justice and taking the form of "If Mrs. Lirriper names eighteen shillings +a week, I name fifteen and six," it then comes to a settlement between +yourself and your conscience, supposing for the sake of argument your +name to be Wozenham, which I am well aware it is not or my opinion of you +would be greatly lowered, and as to airy bedrooms and a night-porter in +constant attendance the less said the better, the bedrooms being stuffy +and the porter stuff. + +It is forty years ago since me and my poor Lirriper got married at St. +Clement's Danes, where I now have a sitting in a very pleasant pew with +genteel company and my own hassock, and being partial to evening service +not too crowded. My poor Lirriper was a handsome figure of a man, with a +beaming eye and a voice as mellow as a musical instrument made of honey +and steel, but he had ever been a free liver being in the commercial +travelling line and travelling what he called a limekiln road--"a dry +road, Emma my dear," my poor Lirriper says to me, "where I have to lay +the dust with one drink or another all day long and half the night, and +it wears me Emma"--and this led to his running through a good deal and +might have run through the turnpike too when that dreadful horse that +never would stand still for a single instant set off, but for its being +night and the gate shut and consequently took his wheel, my poor Lirriper +and the gig smashed to atoms and never spoke afterwards. He was a +handsome figure of a man, and a man with a jovial heart and a sweet +temper; but if they had come up then they never could have given you the +mellowness of his voice, and indeed I consider photographs wanting in +mellowness as a general rule and making you look like a new-ploughed +field. + +My poor Lirriper being behindhand with the world and being buried at +Hatfield church in Hertfordshire, not that it was his native place but +that he had a liking for the Salisbury Arms where we went upon our +wedding-day and passed as happy a fortnight as ever happy was, I went +round to the creditors and I says "Gentlemen I am acquainted with the +fact that I am not answerable for my late husband's debts but I wish to +pay them for I am his lawful wife and his good name is dear to me. I am +going into the Lodgings gentlemen as a business and if I prosper every +farthing that my late husband owed shall be paid for the sake of the love +I bore him, by this right hand." It took a long time to do but it was +done, and the silver cream-jug which is between ourselves and the bed and +the mattress in my room up-stairs (or it would have found legs so sure as +ever the Furnished bill was up) being presented by the gentlemen engraved +"To Mrs. Lirriper a mark of grateful respect for her honourable conduct" +gave me a turn which was too much for my feelings, till Mr. Betley which +at that time had the parlours and loved his joke says "Cheer up Mrs. +Lirriper, you should feel as if it was only your christening and they +were your godfathers and godmothers which did promise for you." And it +brought me round, and I don't mind confessing to you my dear that I then +put a sandwich and a drop of sherry in a little basket and went down to +Hatfield church-yard outside the coach and kissed my hand and laid it +with a kind of proud and swelling love on my husband's grave, though +bless you it had taken me so long to clear his name that my wedding-ring +was worn quite fine and smooth when I laid it on the green green waving +grass. + +I am an old woman now and my good looks are gone but that's me my dear +over the plate-warmer and considered like in the times when you used to +pay two guineas on ivory and took your chance pretty much how you came +out, which made you very careful how you left it about afterwards because +people were turned so red and uncomfortable by mostly guessing it was +somebody else quite different, and there was once a certain person that +had put his money in a hop business that came in one morning to pay his +rent and his respects being the second floor that would have taken it +down from its hook and put it in his breast-pocket--you understand my +dear--for the L, he says of the original--only there was no mellowness in +_his_ voice and I wouldn't let him, but his opinion of it you may gather +from his saying to it "Speak to me Emma!" which was far from a rational +observation no doubt but still a tribute to its being a likeness, and I +think myself it _was_ like me when I was young and wore that sort of +stays. + +But it was about the Lodgings that I was intending to hold forth and +certainly I ought to know something of the business having been in it so +long, for it was early in the second year of my married life that I lost +my poor Lirriper and I set up at Islington directly afterwards and +afterwards came here, being two houses and eight-and-thirty years and +some losses and a deal of experience. + +Girls are your first trial after fixtures and they try you even worse +than what I call the Wandering Christians, though why _they_ should roam +the earth looking for bills and then coming in and viewing the apartments +and stickling about terms and never at all wanting them or dreaming of +taking them being already provided, is, a mystery I should be thankful to +have explained if by any miracle it could be. It's wonderful they live +so long and thrive so on it but I suppose the exercise makes it healthy, +knocking so much and going from house to house and up and down-stairs all +day, and then their pretending to be so particular and punctual is a most +astonishing thing, looking at their watches and saying "Could you give me +the refusal of the rooms till twenty minutes past eleven the day after to- +morrow in the forenoon, and supposing it to be considered essential by my +friend from the country could there be a small iron bedstead put in the +little room upon the stairs?" Why when I was new to it my dear I used to +consider before I promised and to make my mind anxious with calculations +and to get quite wearied out with disappointments, but now I says +"Certainly by all means" well knowing it's a Wandering Christian and I +shall hear no more about it, indeed by this time I know most of the +Wandering Christians by sight as well as they know me, it being the habit +of each individual revolving round London in that capacity to come back +about twice a year, and it's very remarkable that it runs in families and +the children grow up to it, but even were it otherwise I should no sooner +hear of the friend from the country which is a certain sign than I should +nod and say to myself You're a Wandering Christian, though whether they +are (as I _have_ heard) persons of small property with a taste for +regular employment and frequent change of scene I cannot undertake to +tell you. + +Girls as I was beginning to remark are one of your first and your lasting +troubles, being like your teeth which begin with convulsions and never +cease tormenting you from the time you cut them till they cut you, and +then you don't want to part with them which seems hard but we must all +succumb or buy artificial, and even where you get a will nine times out +of ten you'll get a dirty face with it and naturally lodgers do not like +good society to be shown in with a smear of black across the nose or a +smudgy eyebrow. Where they pick the black up is a mystery I cannot +solve, as in the case of the willingest girl that ever came into a house +half-starved poor thing, a girl so willing that I called her Willing +Sophy down upon her knees scrubbing early and late and ever cheerful but +always smiling with a black face. And I says to Sophy, "Now Sophy my +good girl have a regular day for your stoves and keep the width of the +Airy between yourself and the blacking and do not brush your hair with +the bottoms of the saucepans and do not meddle with the snuffs of the +candles and it stands to reason that it can no longer be" yet there it +was and always on her nose, which turning up and being broad at the end +seemed to boast of it and caused warning from a steady gentleman and +excellent lodger with breakfast by the week but a little irritable and +use of a sitting-room when required, his words being "Mrs. Lirriper I +have arrived at the point of admitting that the Black is a man and a +brother, but only in a natural form and when it can't be got off." Well +consequently I put poor Sophy on to other work and forbid her answering +the door or answering a bell on any account but she was so unfortunately +willing that nothing would stop her flying up the kitchen-stairs whenever +a bell was heard to tingle. I put it to her "O Sophy Sophy for goodness' +goodness' sake where does it come from?" To which that poor unlucky +willing mortal--bursting out crying to see me so vexed replied "I took a +deal of black into me ma'am when I was a small child being much neglected +and I think it must be, that it works out," so it continuing to work out +of that poor thing and not having another fault to find with her I says +"Sophy what do you seriously think of my helping you away to New South +Wales where it might not be noticed?" Nor did I ever repent the money +which was well spent, for she married the ship's cook on the voyage +(himself a Mulotter) and did well and lived happy, and so far as ever I +heard it was _not_ noticed in a new state of society to her dying day. + +In what way Miss Wozenham lower down on the other side of the way +reconciled it to her feelings as a lady (which she is not) to entice Mary +Anne Perkinsop from my service is best known to herself, I do not know +and I do not wish to know how opinions are formed at Wozenham's on any +point. But Mary Anne Perkinsop although I behaved handsomely to her and +she behaved unhandsomely to me was worth her weight in gold as overawing +lodgers without driving them away, for lodgers would be far more sparing +of their bells with Mary Anne than I ever knew them to be with Maid or +Mistress, which is a great triumph especially when accompanied with a +cast in the eye and a bag of bones, but it was the steadiness of her way +with them through her father's having failed in Pork. It was Mary Anne's +looking so respectable in her person and being so strict in her spirits +that conquered the tea-and-sugarest gentleman (for he weighed them both +in a pair of scales every morning) that I have ever had to deal with and +no lamb grew meeker, still it afterwards came round to me that Miss +Wozenham happening to pass and seeing Mary Anne take in the milk of a +milkman that made free in a rosy-faced way (I think no worse of him) with +every girl in the street but was quite frozen up like the statue at +Charing-cross by her, saw Mary Anne's value in the lodging business and +went as high as one pound per quarter more, consequently Mary Anne with +not a word betwixt us says "If you will provide yourself Mrs. Lirriper in +a month from this day I have already done the same," which hurt me and I +said so, and she then hurt me more by insinuating that her father having +failed in Pork had laid her open to it. + +My dear I do assure you it's a harassing thing to know what kind of girls +to give the preference to, for if they are lively they get bell'd off +their legs and if they are sluggish you suffer from it yourself in +complaints and if they are sparkling-eyed they get made love to, and if +they are smart in their persons they try on your Lodgers' bonnets and if +they are musical I defy you to keep them away from bands and organs, and +allowing for any difference you like in their heads their heads will be +always out of window just the same. And then what the gentlemen like in +girls the ladies don't, which is fruitful hot water for all parties, and +then there's temper though such a temper as Caroline Maxey's I hope not +often. A good-looking black-eyed girl was Caroline and a comely-made +girl to your cost when she did break out and laid about her, as took +place first and last through a new-married couple come to see London in +the first floor and the lady very high and it _was_ supposed not liking +the good looks of Caroline having none of her own to spare, but anyhow +she did try Caroline though that was no excuse. So one afternoon +Caroline comes down into the kitchen flushed and flashing, and she says +to me "Mrs. Lirriper that woman in the first has aggravated me past +bearing," I says "Caroline keep your temper," Caroline says with a +curdling laugh "Keep my temper? You're right Mrs. Lirriper, so I will. +Capital D her!" bursts out Caroline (you might have struck me into the +centre of the earth with a feather when she said it) "I'll give her a +touch of the temper that _I_ keep!" Caroline downs with her hair my +dear, screeches and rushes up-stairs, I following as fast as my trembling +legs could bear me, but before I got into the room the dinner-cloth and +pink-and-white service all dragged off upon the floor with a crash and +the new-married couple on their backs in the firegrate, him with the +shovel and tongs and a dish of cucumber across him and a mercy it was +summer-time. "Caroline" I says "be calm," but she catches off my cap and +tears it in her teeth as she passes me, then pounces on the new-married +lady makes her a bundle of ribbons takes her by the two ears and knocks +the back of her head upon the carpet Murder screaming all the time +Policemen running down the street and Wozenham's windows (judge of my +feelings when I came to know it) thrown up and Miss Wozenham calling out +from the balcony with crocodile's tears "It's Mrs. Lirriper been +overcharging somebody to madness--she'll be murdered--I always thought +so--Pleeseman save her!" My dear four of them and Caroline behind the +chiffoniere attacking with the poker and when disarmed prize-fighting +with her double fists, and down and up and up and down and dreadful! But +I couldn't bear to see the poor young creature roughly handled and her +hair torn when they got the better of her, and I says "Gentlemen +Policemen pray remember that her sex is the sex of your mothers and +sisters and your sweethearts, and God bless them and you!" And there she +was sitting down on the ground handcuffed, taking breath against the +skirting-board and them cool with their coats in strips, and all she says +was "Mrs. Lirriper I'm sorry as ever I touched you, for you're a kind +motherly old thing," and it made me think that I had often wished I had +been a mother indeed and how would my heart have felt if I had been the +mother of that girl! Well you know it turned out at the Police-office +that she had done it before, and she had her clothes away and was sent to +prison, and when she was to come out I trotted off to the gate in the +evening with just a morsel of jelly in that little basket of mine to give +her a mite of strength to face the world again, and there I met with a +very decent mother waiting for her son through bad company and a stubborn +one he was with his half-boots not laced. So out came Caroline and I +says "Caroline come along with me and sit down under the wall where it's +retired and eat a little trifle that I have brought with me to do you +good," and she throws her arms round my neck and says sobbing "O why were +you never a mother when there are such mothers as there are!" she says, +and in half a minute more she begins to laugh and says "Did I really tear +your cap to shreds?" and when I told her "You certainly did so Caroline" +she laughed again and said while she patted my face "Then why do you wear +such queer old caps you dear old thing? if you hadn't worn such queer old +caps I don't think I should have done it even then." Fancy the girl! +Nothing could get out of her what she was going to do except O she would +do well enough, and we parted she being very thankful and kissing my +hands, and I nevermore saw or heard of that girl, except that I shall +always believe that a very genteel cap which was brought anonymous to me +one Saturday night in an oilskin basket by a most impertinent young +sparrow of a monkey whistling with dirty shoes on the clean steps and +playing the harp on the Airy railings with a hoop-stick came from +Caroline. + +What you lay yourself open to my dear in the way of being the object of +uncharitable suspicions when you go into the Lodging business I have not +the words to tell you, but never was I so dishonourable as to have two +keys nor would I willingly think it even of Miss Wozenham lower down on +the other side of the way sincerely hoping that it may not be, though +doubtless at the same time money cannot come from nowhere and it is not +reason to suppose that Bradshaws put it in for love be it blotty as it +may. It _is_ a hardship hurting to the feelings that Lodgers open their +minds so wide to the idea that you are trying to get the better of them +and shut their minds so close to the idea that they are trying to get the +better of you, but as Major Jackman says to me, "I know the ways of this +circular world Mrs. Lirriper, and that's one of 'em all round it" and +many is the little ruffle in my mind that the Major has smoothed, for he +is a clever man who has seen much. Dear dear, thirteen years have passed +though it seems but yesterday since I was sitting with my glasses on at +the open front parlour window one evening in August (the parlours being +then vacant) reading yesterday's paper my eyes for print being poor +though still I am thankful to say a long sight at a distance, when I hear +a gentleman come posting across the road and up the street in a dreadful +rage talking to himself in a fury and d'ing and c'ing somebody. "By +George!" says he out loud and clutching his walking-stick, "I'll go to +Mrs. Lirriper's. Which is Mrs. Lirriper's?" Then looking round and +seeing me he flourishes his hat right off his head as if I had been the +queen and he says, "Excuse the intrusion Madam, but pray Madam can you +tell me at what number in this street there resides a well-known and much- +respected lady by the name of Lirriper?" A little flustered though I +must say gratified I took off my glasses and courtesied and said "Sir, +Mrs. Lirriper is your humble servant." "Astonishing!" says he. "A +million pardons! Madam, may I ask you to have the kindness to direct one +of your domestics to open the door to a gentleman in search of +apartments, by the name of Jackman?" I had never heard the name but a +politer gentleman I never hope to see, for says he, "Madam I am shocked +at your opening the door yourself to no worthier a fellow than Jemmy +Jackman. After you Madam. I never precede a lady." Then he comes into +the parlours and he sniffs, and he says "Hah! These are parlours! Not +musty cupboards" he says "but parlours, and no smell of coal-sacks." Now +my dear it having been remarked by some inimical to the whole +neighbourhood that it always smells of coal-sacks which might prove a +drawback to Lodgers if encouraged, I says to the Major gently though +firmly that I think he is referring to Arundel or Surrey or Howard but +not Norfolk. "Madam" says he "I refer to Wozenham's lower down over the +way--Madam you can form no notion what Wozenham's is--Madam it is a vast +coal-sack, and Miss Wozenham has the principles and manners of a female +heaver--Madam from the manner in which I have heard her mention you I +know she has no appreciation of a lady, and from the manner in which she +has conducted herself towards me I know she has no appreciation of a +gentleman--Madam my name is Jackman--should you require any other +reference than what I have already said, I name the Bank of +England--perhaps you know it!" Such was the beginning of the Major's +occupying the parlours and from that hour to this the same and a most +obliging Lodger and punctual in all respects except one irregular which I +need not particularly specify, but made up for by his being a protection +and at all times ready to fill in the papers of the Assessed Taxes and +Juries and that, and once collared a young man with the drawing-room +clock under his coat, and once on the parapets with his own hands and +blankets put out the kitchen chimney and afterwards attending the summons +made a most eloquent speech against the Parish before the magistrates and +saved the engine, and ever quite the gentleman though passionate. And +certainly Miss Wozenham's detaining the trunks and umbrella was not in a +liberal spirit though it may have been according to her rights in law or +an act _I_ would myself have stooped to, the Major being so much the +gentleman that though he is far from tall he seems almost so when he has +his shirt-frill out and his frock-coat on and his hat with the curly +brims, and in what service he was I cannot truly tell you my dear whether +Militia or Foreign, for I never heard him even name himself as Major but +always simple "Jemmy Jackman" and once soon after he came when I felt it +my duty to let him know that Miss Wozenham had put it about that he was +no Major and I took the liberty of adding "which you are sir" his words +were "Madam at any rate I am not a Minor, and sufficient for the day is +the evil thereof" which cannot be denied to be the sacred truth, nor yet +his military ways of having his boots with only the dirt brushed off +taken to him in the front parlour every morning on a clean plate and +varnishing them himself with a little sponge and a saucer and a whistle +in a whisper so sure as ever his breakfast is ended, and so neat his ways +that it never soils his linen which is scrupulous though more in quality +than quantity, neither that nor his mustachios which to the best of my +belief are done at the same time and which are as black and shining as +his boots, his head of hair being a lovely white. + +It was the third year nearly up of the Major's being in the parlours that +early one morning in the month of February when Parliament was coming on +and you may therefore suppose a number of impostors were about ready to +take hold of anything they could get, a gentleman and a lady from the +country came in to view the Second, and I well remember that I had been +looking out of window and had watched them and the heavy sleet driving +down the street together looking for bills. I did not quite take to the +face of the gentleman though he was good-looking too but the lady was a +very pretty young thing and delicate, and it seemed too rough for her to +be out at all though she had only come from the Adelphi Hotel which would +not have been much above a quarter of a mile if the weather had been less +severe. Now it did so happen my dear that I had been forced to put five +shillings weekly additional on the second in consequence of a loss from +running away full dressed as if going out to a dinner-party, which was +very artful and had made me rather suspicious taking it along with +Parliament, so when the gentleman proposed three months certain and the +money in advance and leave then reserved to renew on the same terms for +six months more, I says I was not quite certain but that I might have +engaged myself to another party but would step down-stairs and look into +it if they would take a seat. They took a seat and I went down to the +handle of the Major's door that I had already began to consult finding it +a great blessing, and I knew by his whistling in a whisper that he was +varnishing his boots which was generally considered private, however he +kindly calls out "If it's you, Madam, come in," and I went in and told +him. + +"Well, Madam," says the Major rubbing his nose--as I did fear at the +moment with the black sponge but it was only his knuckle, he being always +neat and dexterous with his fingers--"well, Madam, I suppose you would be +glad of the money?" + +I was delicate of saying "Yes" too out, for a little extra colour rose +into the Major's cheeks and there was irregularity which I will not +particularly specify in a quarter which I will not name. + +"I am of opinion, Madam," says the Major, "that when money is ready for +you--when it is ready for you, Mrs. Lirriper--you ought to take it. What +is there against it, Madam, in this case up-stairs?" + +"I really cannot say there is anything against it, sir, still I thought I +would consult you." + +"You said a newly-married couple, I think, Madam?" says the Major. + +I says "Ye-es. Evidently. And indeed the young lady mentioned to me in +a casual way that she had not been married many months." + +The Major rubbed his nose again and stirred the varnish round and round +in its little saucer with his piece of sponge and took to his whistling +in a whisper for a few moments. Then he says "You would call it a Good +Let, Madam?" + +"O certainly a Good Let sir." + +"Say they renew for the additional six months. Would it put you about +very much Madam if--if the worst was to come to the worst?" said the +Major. + +"Well I hardly know," I says to the Major. "It depends upon +circumstances. Would _you_ object Sir for instance?" + +"I?" says the Major. "Object? Jemmy Jackman? Mrs. Lirriper close with +the proposal." + +So I went up-stairs and accepted, and they came in next day which was +Saturday and the Major was so good as to draw up a Memorandum of an +agreement in a beautiful round hand and expressions that sounded to me +equally legal and military, and Mr. Edson signed it on the Monday morning +and the Major called upon Mr. Edson on the Tuesday and Mr. Edson called +upon the Major on the Wednesday and the Second and the parlours were as +friendly as could be wished. + +The three months paid for had run out and we had got without any fresh +overtures as to payment into May my dear, when there came an obligation +upon Mr. Edson to go a business expedition right across the Isle of Man, +which fell quite unexpected upon that pretty little thing and is not a +place that according to my views is particularly in the way to anywhere +at any time but that may be a matter of opinion. So short a notice was +it that he was to go next day, and dreadfully she cried poor pretty, and +I am sure I cried too when I saw her on the cold pavement in the sharp +east wind--it being a very backward spring that year--taking a last leave +of him with her pretty bright hair blowing this way and that and her arms +clinging round his neck and him saying "There there there. Now let me go +Peggy." And by that time it was plain that what the Major had been so +accommodating as to say he would not object to happening in the house, +would happen in it, and I told her as much when he was gone while I +comforted her with my arm up the staircase, for I says "You will soon +have others to keep up for my pretty and you must think of that." + +His letter never came when it ought to have come and what she went +through morning after morning when the postman brought none for her the +very postman himself compassionated when she ran down to the door, and +yet we cannot wonder at its being calculated to blunt the feelings to +have all the trouble of other people's letters and none of the pleasure +and doing it oftener in the mud and mizzle than not and at a rate of +wages more resembling Little Britain than Great. But at last one morning +when she was too poorly to come running down-stairs he says to me with a +pleased look in his face that made me next to love the man in his uniform +coat though he was dripping wet "I have taken you first in the street +this morning Mrs. Lirriper, for here's the one for Mrs. Edson." I went +up to her bedroom with it as fast as ever I could go, and she sat up in +bed when she saw it and kissed it and tore it open and then a blank stare +came upon her. "It's very short!" she says lifting her large eyes to my +face. "O Mrs. Lirriper it's very short!" I says "My dear Mrs. Edson no +doubt that's because your husband hadn't time to write more just at that +time." "No doubt, no doubt," says she, and puts her two hands on her +face and turns round in her bed. + +I shut her softly in and I crept down-stairs and I tapped at the Major's +door, and when the Major having his thin slices of bacon in his own Dutch +oven saw me he came out of his chair and put me down on the sofa. "Hush!" +says he, "I see something's the matter. Don't speak--take time." I says +"O Major I'm afraid there's cruel work up-stairs." "Yes yes" says he "I +had begun to be afraid of it--take time." And then in opposition to his +own words he rages out frightfully, and says "I shall never forgive +myself Madam, that I, Jemmy Jackman, didn't see it all that +morning--didn't go straight up-stairs when my boot-sponge was in my +hand--didn't force it down his throat--and choke him dead with it on the +spot!" + +The Major and me agreed when we came to ourselves that just at present we +could do no more than take on to suspect nothing and use our best +endeavours to keep that poor young creature quiet, and what I ever should +have done without the Major when it got about among the organ-men that +quiet was our object is unknown, for he made lion and tiger war upon them +to that degree that without seeing it I could not have believed it was in +any gentleman to have such a power of bursting out with fire-irons +walking-sticks water-jugs coals potatoes off his table the very hat off +his head, and at the same time so furious in foreign languages that they +would stand with their handles half-turned fixed like the Sleeping +Ugly--for I cannot say Beauty. + +Ever to see the postman come near the house now gave me such I fear that +it was a reprieve when he went by, but in about another ten days or a +fortnight he says again, "Here's one for Mrs. Edson.--Is she pretty +well?" "She is pretty well postman, but not well enough to rise so early +as she used" which was so far gospel-truth. + +I carried the letter in to the Major at his breakfast and I says +tottering "Major I have not the courage to take it up to her." + +"It's an ill-looking villain of a letter," says the Major. + +"I have not the courage Major" I says again in a tremble "to take it up +to her." + +After seeming lost in consideration for some moments the Major says, +raising his head as if something new and useful had occurred to his mind +"Mrs. Lirriper, I shall never forgive myself that I, Jemmy Jackman, +didn't go straight up-stairs that morning when my boot-sponge was in my +hand--and force it down his throat--and choke him dead with it." + +"Major" I says a little hasty "you didn't do it which is a blessing, for +it would have done no good and I think your sponge was better employed on +your own honourable boots." + +So we got to be rational, and planned that I should tap at her bedroom +door and lay the letter on the mat outside and wait on the upper landing +for what might happen, and never was gunpowder cannon-balls or shells or +rockets more dreaded than that dreadful letter was by me as I took it to +the second floor. + +A terrible loud scream sounded through the house the minute after she had +opened it, and I found her on the floor lying as if her life was gone. My +dear I never looked at the face of the letter which was lying, open by +her, for there was no occasion. + +Everything I needed to bring her round the Major brought up with his own +hands, besides running out to the chemist's for what was not in the house +and likewise having the fiercest of all his many skirmishes with a +musical instrument representing a ball-room I do not know in what +particular country and company waltzing in and out at folding-doors with +rolling eyes. When after a long time I saw her coming to, I slipped on +the landing till I heard her cry, and then I went in and says cheerily +"Mrs. Edson you're not well my dear and it's not to be wondered at," as +if I had not been in before. Whether she believed or disbelieved I +cannot say and it would signify nothing if I could, but I stayed by her +for hours and then she God ever blesses me! and says she will try to rest +for her head is bad. + +"Major," I whispers, looking in at the parlours, "I beg and pray of you +don't go out." + +The Major whispers, "Madam, trust me I will do no such a thing. How is +she?" + +I says "Major the good Lord above us only knows what burns and rages in +her poor mind. I left her sitting at her window. I am going to sit at +mine." + +It came on afternoon and it came on evening. Norfolk is a delightful +street to lodge in--provided you don't go lower down--but of a summer +evening when the dust and waste paper lie in it and stray children play +in it and a kind of a gritty calm and bake settles on it and a peal of +church-bells is practising in the neighbourhood it is a trifle dull, and +never have I seen it since at such a time and never shall I see it +evermore at such a time without seeing the dull June evening when that +forlorn young creature sat at her open corner window on the second and me +at my open corner window (the other corner) on the third. Something +merciful, something wiser and better far than my own self, had moved me +while it was yet light to sit in my bonnet and shawl, and as the shadows +fell and the tide rose I could sometimes--when I put out my head and +looked at her window below--see that she leaned out a little looking down +the street. It was just settling dark when I saw _her_ in the street. + +So fearful of losing sight of her that it almost stops my breath while I +tell it, I went down-stairs faster than I ever moved in all my life and +only tapped with my hand at the Major's door in passing it and slipping +out. She was gone already. I made the same speed down the street and +when I came to the corner of Howard Street I saw that she had turned it +and was there plain before me going towards the west. O with what a +thankful heart I saw her going along! + +She was quite unacquainted with London and had very seldom been out for +more than an airing in our own street where she knew two or three little +children belonging to neighbours and had sometimes stood among them at +the street looking at the water. She must be going at hazard I knew, +still she kept the by-streets quite correctly as long as they would serve +her, and then turned up into the Strand. But at every corner I could see +her head turned one way, and that way was always the river way. + +It may have been only the darkness and quiet of the Adelphi that caused +her to strike into it but she struck into it much as readily as if she +had set out to go there, which perhaps was the case. She went straight +down to the Terrace and along it and looked over the iron rail, and I +often woke afterwards in my own bed with the horror of seeing her do it. +The desertion of the wharf below and the flowing of the high water there +seemed to settle her purpose. She looked about as if to make out the way +down, and she struck out the right way or the wrong way--I don't know +which, for I don't know the place before or since--and I followed her the +way she went. + +It was noticeable that all this time she never once looked back. But +there was now a great change in the manner of her going, and instead of +going at a steady quick walk with her arms folded before her,--among the +dark dismal arches she went in a wild way with her arms opened wide, as +if they were wings and she was flying to her death. + +We were on the wharf and she stopped. I stopped. I saw her hands at her +bonnet-strings, and I rushed between her and the brink and took her round +the waist with both my arms. She might have drowned me, I felt then, but +she could never have got quit of me. + +Down to that moment my mind had been all in a maze and not half an idea +had I had in it what I should say to her, but the instant I touched her +it came to me like magic and I had my natural voice and my senses and +even almost my breath. + +"Mrs. Edson!" I says "My dear! Take care. How ever did you lose your +way and stumble on a dangerous place like this? Why you must have come +here by the most perplexing streets in all London. No wonder you are +lost, I'm sure. And this place too! Why I thought nobody ever got here, +except me to order my coals and the Major in the parlours to smoke his +cigar!"--for I saw that blessed man close by, pretending to it. + +"Hah--Hah--Hum!" coughs the Major. + +"And good gracious me" I says, "why here he is!" + +"Halloa! who goes there?" says the Major in a military manner. + +"Well!" I says, "if this don't beat everything! Don't you know us Major +Jackman?" + +"Halloa!" says the Major. "Who calls on Jemmy Jackman?" (and more out of +breath he was, and did it less like life than I should have expected.) + +"Why here's Mrs. Edson Major" I says, "strolling out to cool her poor +head which has been very bad, has missed her way and got lost, and +Goodness knows where she might have got to but for me coming here to drop +an order into my coal merchant's letter-box and you coming here to smoke +your cigar!--And you really are not well enough my dear" I says to her +"to be half so far from home without me. And your arm will be very +acceptable I am sure Major" I says to him "and I know she may lean upon +it as heavy as she likes." And now we had both got her--thanks be +Above!--one on each side. + +She was all in a cold shiver and she so continued till I laid her on her +own bed, and up to the early morning she held me by the hand and moaned +and moaned "O wicked, wicked, wicked!" But when at last I made believe +to droop my head and be overpowered with a dead sleep, I heard that poor +young creature give such touching and such humble thanks for being +preserved from taking her own life in her madness that I thought I should +have cried my eyes out on the counterpane and I knew she was safe. + +Being well enough to do and able to afford it, me and the Major laid our +little plans next day while she was asleep worn out, and so I says to her +as soon as I could do it nicely: + +"Mrs. Edson my dear, when Mr. Edson paid me the rent for these farther +six months--" + +She gave a start and I felt her large eyes look at me, but I went on with +it and with my needlework. + +"--I can't say that I am quite sure I dated the receipt right. Could you +let me look at it?" + +She laid her frozen cold hand upon mine and she looked through me when I +was forced to look up from my needlework, but I had taken the precaution +of having on my spectacles. + +"I have no receipt" says she. + +"Ah! Then he has got it" I says in a careless way. "It's of no great +consequence. A receipt's a receipt." + +From that time she always had hold of my hand when I could spare it which +was generally only when I read to her, for of course she and me had our +bits of needlework to plod at and neither of us was very handy at those +little things, though I am still rather proud of my share in them too +considering. And though she took to all I read to her, I used to fancy +that next to what was taught upon the Mount she took most of all to His +gentle compassion for us poor women and to His young life and to how His +mother was proud of Him and treasured His sayings in her heart. She had +a grateful look in her eyes that never never never will be out of mine +until they are closed in my last sleep, and when I chanced to look at her +without thinking of it I would always meet that look, and she would often +offer me her trembling lip to kiss, much more like a little affectionate +half broken-hearted child than ever I can imagine any grown person. + +One time the trembling of this poor lip was so strong and her tears ran +down so fast that I thought she was going to tell me all her woe, so I +takes her two hands in mine and I says: + +"No my dear not now, you had best not try to do it now. Wait for better +times when you have got over this and are strong, and then you shall tell +me whatever you will. Shall it be agreed?" + +With our hands still joined she nodded her head many times, and she +lifted my hands and put them to her lips and to her bosom. "Only one +word now my dear" I says. "Is there any one?" + +She looked inquiringly "Any one?" + +"That I can go to?" + +She shook her head. + +"No one that I can bring?" + +She shook her head. + +"No one is wanted by _me_ my dear. Now that may be considered past and +gone." + +Not much more than a week afterwards--for this was far on in the time of +our being so together--I was bending over at her bedside with my ear down +to her lips, by turns listening for her breath and looking for a sign of +life in her face. At last it came in a solemn way--not in a flash but +like a kind of pale faint light brought very slow to the face. + +She said something to me that had no sound in it, but I saw she asked me: + +"Is this death?" + +And I says: + +"Poor dear poor dear, I think it is." + +Knowing somehow that she wanted me to move her weak right hand, I took it +and laid it on her breast and then folded her other hand upon it, and she +prayed a good good prayer and I joined in it poor me though there were no +words spoke. Then I brought the baby in its wrappers from where it lay, +and I says: + +"My dear this is sent to a childless old woman. This is for me to take +care of." + +The trembling lip was put up towards my face for the last time, and I +dearly kissed it. + +"Yes my dear," I says. "Please God! Me and the Major." + +I don't know how to tell it right, but I saw her soul brighten and leap +up, and get free and fly away in the grateful look. + +* * * * * + +So this is the why and wherefore of its coming to pass my dear that we +called him Jemmy, being after the Major his own godfather with Lirriper +for a surname being after myself, and never was a dear child such a +brightening thing in a Lodgings or such a playmate to his grandmother as +Jemmy to this house and me, and always good and minding what he was told +(upon the whole) and soothing for the temper and making everything +pleasanter except when he grew old enough to drop his cap down Wozenham's +Airy and they wouldn't hand it up to him, and being worked into a state I +put on my best bonnet and gloves and parasol with the child in my hand +and I says "Miss Wozenham I little thought ever to have entered your +house but unless my grandson's cap is instantly restored, the laws of +this country regulating the property of the Subject shall at length +decide betwixt yourself and me, cost what it may." With a sneer upon her +face which did strike me I must say as being expressive of two keys but +it may have been a mistake and if there is any doubt let Miss Wozenham +have the full benefit of it as is but right, she rang the bell and she +says "Jane, is there a street-child's old cap down our Airy?" I says +"Miss Wozenham before your housemaid answers that question you must allow +me to inform you to your face that my grandson is _not_ a street-child +and is _not_ in the habit of wearing old caps. In fact" I says "Miss +Wozenham I am far from sure that my grandson's cap may not be newer than +your own" which was perfectly savage in me, her lace being the commonest +machine-make washed and torn besides, but I had been put into a state to +begin with fomented by impertinence. Miss Wozenham says red in the face +"Jane you heard my question, is there any child's cap down our Airy?" +"Yes Ma'am" says Jane, "I think I did see some such rubbish a-lying +there." "Then" says Miss Wozenham "let these visitors out, and then +throw up that worthless article out of my premises." But here the child +who had been staring at Miss Wozenham with all his eyes and more, frowns +down his little eyebrows purses up his little mouth puts his chubby legs +far apart turns his little dimpled fists round and round slowly over one +another like a little coffee-mill, and says to her "Oo impdent to mi +Gran, me tut oor hi!" "O!" says Miss Wozenham looking down scornfully at +the Mite "this is not a street-child is it not! Really!" I bursts out +laughing and I says "Miss Wozenham if this ain't a pretty sight to you I +don't envy your feelings and I wish you good-day. Jemmy come along with +Gran." And I was still in the best of humours though his cap came flying +up into the street as if it had been just turned on out of the +water-plug, and I went home laughing all the way, all owing to that dear +boy. + +The miles and miles that me and the Major have travelled with Jemmy in +the dusk between the lights are not to be calculated, Jemmy driving on +the coach-box which is the Major's brass-bound writing desk on the table, +me inside in the easy-chair and the Major Guard up behind with a brown- +paper horn doing it really wonderful. I do assure you my dear that +sometimes when I have taken a few winks in my place inside the coach and +have come half awake by the flashing light of the fire and have heard +that precious pet driving and the Major blowing up behind to have the +change of horses ready when we got to the Inn, I have half believed we +were on the old North Road that my poor Lirriper knew so well. Then to +see that child and the Major both wrapped up getting down to warm their +feet and going stamping about and having glasses of ale out of the paper +matchboxes on the chimney-piece is to see the Major enjoying it fully as +much as the child I am very sure, and it's equal to any play when Coachee +opens the coach-door to look in at me inside and say "Wery 'past that +'tage.--'Prightened old lady?" + +But what my inexpressible feelings were when we lost that child can only +be compared to the Major's which were not a shade better, through his +straying out at five years old and eleven o'clock in the forenoon and +never heard of by word or sign or deed till half-past nine at night, when +the Major had gone to the Editor of the _Times_ newspaper to put in an +advertisement, which came out next day four-and-twenty hours after he was +found, and which I mean always carefully to keep in my lavender drawer as +the first printed account of him. The more the day got on, the more I +got distracted and the Major too and both of us made worse by the +composed ways of the police though very civil and obliging and what I +must call their obstinacy in not entertaining the idea that he was +stolen. "We mostly find Mum" says the sergeant who came round to comfort +me, which he didn't at all and he had been one of the private constables +in Caroline's time to which he referred in his opening words when he said +"Don't give way to uneasiness in your mind Mum, it'll all come as right +as my nose did when I got the same barked by that young woman in your +second floor"--says this sergeant "we mostly find Mum as people ain't +over-anxious to have what I may call second-hand children. _You'll_ get +him back Mum." "O but my dear good sir" I says clasping my hands and +wringing them and clasping them again "he is such an uncommon child!" +"Yes Mum" says the sergeant, "we mostly find that too Mum. The question +is what his clothes were worth." "His clothes" I says "were not worth +much sir for he had only got his playing-dress on, but the dear child!--" +"All right Mum" says the sergeant. "You'll get him back Mum. And even +if he'd had his best clothes on, it wouldn't come to worse than his being +found wrapped up in a cabbage-leaf, a shivering in a lane." His words +pierced my heart like daggers and daggers, and me and the Major ran in +and out like wild things all day long till the Major returning from his +interview with the Editor of the _Times_ at night rushes into my little +room hysterical and squeezes my hand and wipes his eyes and says "Joy +joy--officer in plain clothes came up on the steps as I was letting +myself in--compose your feelings--Jemmy's found." Consequently I fainted +away and when I came to, embraced the legs of the officer in plain +clothes who seemed to be taking a kind of a quiet inventory in his mind +of the property in my little room with brown whiskers, and I says +"Blessings on you sir where is the Darling!" and he says "In Kennington +Station House." I was dropping at his feet Stone at the image of that +Innocence in cells with murderers when he adds "He followed the Monkey." +I says deeming it slang language "O sir explain for a loving grandmother +what Monkey!" He says "Him in the spangled cap with the strap under the +chin, as won't keep on--him as sweeps the crossings on a round table and +don't want to draw his sabre more than he can help." Then I understood +it all and most thankfully thanked him, and me and the Major and him +drove over to Kennington and there we found our boy lying quite +comfortable before a blazing fire having sweetly played himself to sleep +upon a small accordion nothing like so big as a flat-iron which they had +been so kind as to lend him for the purpose and which it appeared had +been stopped upon a very young person. + +My dear the system upon which the Major commenced and as I may say +perfected Jemmy's learning when he was so small that if the dear was on +the other side of the table you had to look under it instead of over it +to see him with his mother's own bright hair in beautiful curls, is a +thing that ought to be known to the Throne and Lords and Commons and then +might obtain some promotion for the Major which he well deserves and +would be none the worse for (speaking between friends) L. S. D.-ically. +When the Major first undertook his learning he says to me: + +"I'm going Madam," he says "to make our child a Calculating Boy. + +"Major," I says, "you terrify me and may do the pet a permanent injury +you would never forgive yourself." + +"Madam," says the Major, "next to my regret that when I had my +boot-sponge in my hand, I didn't choke that scoundrel with it--on the +spot--" + +"There! For Gracious' sake," I interrupts, "let his conscience find him +without sponges." + +"--I say next to that regret, Madam," says the Major "would be the regret +with which my breast," which he tapped, "would be surcharged if this fine +mind was not early cultivated. But mark me Madam," says the Major +holding up his forefinger "cultivated on a principle that will make it a +delight." + +"Major" I says "I will be candid with you and tell you openly that if +ever I find the dear child fall off in his appetite I shall know it is +his calculations and shall put a stop to them at two minutes' notice. Or +if I find them mounting to his head" I says, "or striking anyways cold to +his stomach or leading to anything approaching flabbiness in his legs, +the result will be the same, but Major you are a clever man and have seen +much and you love the child and are his own godfather, and if you feel a +confidence in trying try." + +"Spoken Madam" says the Major "like Emma Lirriper. All I have to ask, +Madam, is that you will leave my godson and myself to make a week or +two's preparations for surprising you, and that you will give me leave to +have up and down any small articles not actually in use that I may +require from the kitchen." + +"From the kitchen Major?" I says half feeling as if he had a mind to cook +the child. + +"From the kitchen" says the Major, and smiles and swells, and at the same +time looks taller. + +So I passed my word and the Major and the dear boy were shut up together +for half an hour at a time through a certain while, and never could I +hear anything going on betwixt them but talking and laughing and Jemmy +clapping his hands and screaming out numbers, so I says to myself "it has +not harmed him yet" nor could I on examining the dear find any signs of +it anywhere about him which was likewise a great relief. At last one day +Jemmy brings me a card in joke in the Major's neat writing "The Messrs. +Jemmy Jackman" for we had given him the Major's other name too "request +the honour of Mrs. Lirriper's company at the Jackman Institution in the +front parlour this evening at five, military time, to witness a few +slight feats of elementary arithmetic." And if you'll believe me there +in the front parlour at five punctual to the moment was the Major behind +the Pembroke table with both leaves up and a lot of things from the +kitchen tidily set out on old newspapers spread atop of it, and there was +the Mite stood upon a chair with his rosy cheeks flushing and his eyes +sparkling clusters of diamonds. + +"Now Gran" says he, "oo tit down and don't oo touch ler people"--for he +saw with every one of those diamonds of his that I was going to give him +a squeeze. + +"Very well sir" I says "I am obedient in this good company I am sure." +And I sits down in the easy-chair that was put for me, shaking my sides. + +But picture my admiration when the Major going on almost as quick as if +he was conjuring sets out all the articles he names, and says "Three +saucepans, an Italian iron, a hand-bell, a toasting-fork, a +nutmeg-grater, four potlids, a spice-box, two egg-cups, and a chopping- +board--how many?" and when that Mite instantly cries "Tifteen, tut down +tive and carry ler 'toppin-board" and then claps his hands draws up his +legs and dances on his chair. + +My dear with the same astonishing ease and correctness him and the Major +added up the tables chairs and sofy, the picters fenders and fire-irons +their own selves me and the cat and the eyes in Miss Wozenham's head, and +whenever the sum was done Young Roses and Diamonds claps his hands and +draws up his legs and dances on his chair. + +The pride of the Major! ("_Here's_ a mind Ma'am!" he says to me behind +his hand.) + +Then he says aloud, "We now come to the next elementary rule,--which is +called--" + +"Umtraction!" cries Jemmy. + +"Right," says the Major. "We have here a toasting-fork, a potato in its +natural state, two potlids, one egg-cup, a wooden spoon, and two skewers, +from which it is necessary for commercial purposes to subtract a sprat- +gridiron, a small pickle-jar, two lemons, one pepper-castor, a +blackbeetle-trap, and a knob of the dresser-drawer--what remains?" + +"Toatin-fork!" cries Jemmy. + +"In numbers how many?" says the Major. + +"One!" cries Jemmy. + +("_Here's_ a boy, Ma'am!" says the Major to me behind his hand.) Then +the Major goes on: + +"We now approach the next elementary rule,--which is entitled--" + +"Tickleication" cries Jemmy. + +"Correct" says the Major. + +But my dear to relate to you in detail the way in which they multiplied +fourteen sticks of firewood by two bits of ginger and a larding needle, +or divided pretty well everything else there was on the table by the +heater of the Italian iron and a chamber candlestick, and got a lemon +over, would make my head spin round and round and round as it did at the +time. So I says "if you'll excuse my addressing the chair Professor +Jackman I think the period of the lecture has now arrived when it becomes +necessary that I should take a good hug of this young scholar." Upon +which Jemmy calls out from his station on the chair, "Gran oo open oor +arms and me'll make a 'pring into 'em." So I opened my arms to him as I +had opened my sorrowful heart when his poor young mother lay a dying, and +he had his jump and we had a good long hug together and the Major prouder +than any peacock says to me behind his hand, "You need not let him know +it Madam" (which I certainly need not for the Major was quite audible) +"but he _is_ a boy!" + +In this way Jemmy grew and grew and went to day-school and continued +under the Major too, and in summer we were as happy as the days were +long, and in winter we were as happy as the days were short and there +seemed to rest a Blessing on the Lodgings for they as good as Let +themselves and would have done it if there had been twice the +accommodation, when sore and hard against my will I one day says to the +Major. + +"Major you know what I am going to break to you. Our boy must go to +boarding-school." + +It was a sad sight to see the Major's countenance drop, and I pitied the +good soul with all my heart. + +"Yes Major" I says, "though he is as popular with the Lodgers as you are +yourself and though he is to you and me what only you and me know, still +it is in the course of things and Life is made of partings and we must +part with our Pet." + +Bold as I spoke, I saw two Majors and half-a-dozen fireplaces, and when +the poor Major put one of his neat bright-varnished boots upon the fender +and his elbow on his knee and his head upon his hand and rocked himself a +little to and fro, I was dreadfully cut up. + +"But" says I clearing my throat "you have so well prepared him Major--he +has had such a Tutor in you--that he will have none of the first drudgery +to go through. And he is so clever besides that he'll soon make his way +to the front rank." + +"He is a boy" says the Major--having sniffed--"that has not his like on +the face of the earth." + +"True as you say Major, and it is not for us merely for our own sakes to +do anything to keep him back from being a credit and an ornament wherever +he goes and perhaps even rising to be a great man, is it Major? He will +have all my little savings when my work is done (being all the world to +me) and we must try to make him a wise man and a good man, mustn't we +Major?" + +"Madam" says the Major rising "Jemmy Jackman is becoming an older file +than I was aware of, and you put him to shame. You are thoroughly right +Madam. You are simply and undeniably right.--And if you'll excuse me, +I'll take a walk." + +So the Major being gone out and Jemmy being at home, I got the child into +my little room here and I stood him by my chair and I took his mother's +own curls in my hand and I spoke to him loving and serious. And when I +had reminded the darling how that he was now in his tenth year and when I +had said to him about his getting on in life pretty much what I had said +to the Major I broke to him how that we must have this same parting, and +there I was forced to stop for there I saw of a sudden the +well-remembered lip with its tremble, and it so brought back that time! +But with the spirit that was in him he controlled it soon and he says +gravely nodding through his tears, "I understand Gran--I know it _must_ +be, Gran--go on Gran, don't be afraid of _me_." And when I had said all +that ever I could think of, he turned his bright steady face to mine and +he says just a little broken here and there "You shall see Gran that I +can be a man and that I can do anything that is grateful and loving to +you--and if I don't grow up to be what you would like to have me--I hope +it will be--because I shall die." And with that he sat down by me and I +went on to tell him of the school of which I had excellent +recommendations and where it was and how many scholars and what games +they played as I had heard and what length of holidays, to all of which +he listened bright and clear. And so it came that at last he says "And +now dear Gran let me kneel down here where I have been used to say my +prayers and let me fold my face for just a minute in your gown and let me +cry, for you have been more than father--more than mother--more than +brothers sisters friends--to me!" And so he did cry and I too and we +were both much the better for it. + +From that time forth he was true to his word and ever blithe and ready, +and even when me and the Major took him down into Lincolnshire he was far +the gayest of the party though for sure and certain he might easily have +been that, but he really was and put life into us only when it came to +the last Good-bye, he says with a wistful look, "You wouldn't have me not +really sorry would you Gran?" and when I says "No dear, Lord forbid!" he +says "I am glad of that!" and ran in out of sight. + +But now that the child was gone out of the Lodgings the Major fell into a +regularly moping state. It was taken notice of by all the Lodgers that +the Major moped. He hadn't even the same air of being rather tall than +he used to have, and if he varnished his boots with a single gleam of +interest it was as much as he did. + +One evening the Major came into my little room to take a cup of tea and a +morsel of buttered toast and to read Jemmy's newest letter which had +arrived that afternoon (by the very same postman more than middle-aged +upon the Beat now), and the letter raising him up a little I says to the +Major: + +"Major you mustn't get into a moping way." + +The Major shook his head. "Jemmy Jackman Madam," he says with a deep +sigh, "is an older file than I thought him." + +"Moping is not the way to grow younger Major." + +"My dear Madam," says the Major, "is there _any_ way of growing younger?" + +Feeling that the Major was getting rather the best of that point I made a +diversion to another. + +"Thirteen years! Thir-teen years! Many Lodgers have come and gone, in +the thirteen years that you have lived in the parlours Major." + +"Hah!" says the Major warming. "Many Madam, many." + +"And I should say you have been familiar with them all?" + +"As a rule (with its exceptions like all rules) my dear Madam" says the +Major, "they have honoured me with their acquaintance, and not +unfrequently with their confidence." + +Watching the Major as he drooped his white head and stroked his black +mustachios and moped again, a thought which I think must have been going +about looking for an owner somewhere dropped into my old noddle if you +will excuse the expression. + +"The walls of my Lodgings" I says in a casual way--for my dear it is of +no use going straight at a man who mopes--"might have something to tell +if they could tell it." + +The Major neither moved nor said anything but I saw he was attending with +his shoulders my dear--attending with his shoulders to what I said. In +fact I saw that his shoulders were struck by it. + +"The dear boy was always fond of story-books" I went on, like as if I was +talking to myself. "I am sure this house--his own home--might write a +story or two for his reading one day or another." + +The Major's shoulders gave a dip and a curve and his head came up in his +shirt-collar. The Major's head came up in his shirt-collar as I hadn't +seen it come up since Jemmy went to school. + +"It is unquestionable that in intervals of cribbage and a friendly +rubber, my dear Madam," says the Major, "and also over what used to be +called in my young times--in the salad days of Jemmy Jackman--the social +glass, I have exchanged many a reminiscence with your Lodgers." + +My remark was--I confess I made it with the deepest and artfullest of +intentions--"I wish our dear boy had heard them!" + +"Are you serious Madam?" asked the Major starting and turning full round. + +"Why not Major?" + +"Madam" says the Major, turning up one of his cuffs, "they shall be +written for him." + +"Ah! Now you speak" I says giving my hands a pleased clap. "Now you are +in a way out of moping Major!" + +"Between this and my holidays--I mean the dear boy's" says the Major +turning up his other cuff, "a good deal may be done towards it." + +"Major you are a clever man and you have seen much and not a doubt of +it." + +"I'll begin," says the Major looking as tall as ever he did, "to-morrow." + +My dear the Major was another man in three days and he was himself again +in a week and he wrote and wrote and wrote with his pen scratching like +rats behind the wainscot, and whether he had many grounds to go upon or +whether he did at all romance I cannot tell you, but what he has written +is in the left-hand glass closet of the little bookcase close behind you. + + + + +CHAPTER II--HOW THE PARLOURS ADDED A FEW WORDS + + +I have the honour of presenting myself by the name of Jackman. I esteem +it a proud privilege to go down to posterity through the instrumentality +of the most remarkable boy that ever lived,--by the name of JEMMY JACKMAN +LIRRIPER,--and of my most worthy and most highly respected friend, Mrs. +Emma Lirriper, of Eighty-one, Norfolk Street, Strand, in the County of +Middlesex, in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. + +It is not for me to express the rapture with which we received that dear +and eminently remarkable boy, on the occurrence of his first Christmas +holidays. Suffice it to observe that when he came flying into the house +with two splendid prizes (Arithmetic, and Exemplary Conduct), Mrs. +Lirriper and myself embraced with emotion, and instantly took him to the +Play, where we were all three admirably entertained. + +Nor is it to render homage to the virtues of the best of her good and +honoured sex--whom, in deference to her unassuming worth, I will only +here designate by the initials E. L.--that I add this record to the +bundle of papers with which our, in a most distinguished degree, +remarkable boy has expressed himself delighted, before re-consigning the +same to the left-hand glass closet of Mrs. Lirriper's little bookcase. + +Neither is it to obtrude the name of the old original superannuated +obscure Jemmy Jackman, once (to his degradation) of Wozenham's, long (to +his elevation) of Lirriper's. If I could be consciously guilty of that +piece of bad taste, it would indeed be a work of supererogation, now that +the name is borne by JEMMY JACKMAN LIRRIPER. + +No, I take up my humble pen to register a little record of our strikingly +remarkable boy, which my poor capacity regards as presenting a pleasant +little picture of the dear boy's mind. The picture may be interesting to +himself when he is a man. + +Our first reunited Christmas-day was the most delightful one we have ever +passed together. Jemmy was never silent for five minutes, except in +church-time. He talked as we sat by the fire, he talked when we were out +walking, he talked as we sat by the fire again, he talked incessantly at +dinner, though he made a dinner almost as remarkable as himself. It was +the spring of happiness in his fresh young heart flowing and flowing, and +it fertilised (if I may be allowed so bold a figure) my much-esteemed +friend, and J. J. the present writer. + +There were only we three. We dined in my esteemed friend's little room, +and our entertainment was perfect. But everything in the establishment +is, in neatness, order, and comfort, always perfect. After dinner our +boy slipped away to his old stool at my esteemed friend's knee, and +there, with his hot chestnuts and his glass of brown sherry (really, a +most excellent wine!) on a chair for a table, his face outshone the +apples in the dish. + +We talked of these jottings of mine, which Jemmy had read through and +through by that time; and so it came about that my esteemed friend +remarked, as she sat smoothing Jemmy's curls: + +"And as you belong to the house too, Jemmy,--and so much more than the +Lodgers, having been born in it,--why, your story ought to be added to +the rest, I think, one of these days." + +Jemmy's eyes sparkled at this, and he said, "So _I_ think, Gran." + +Then he sat looking at the fire, and then he began to laugh in a sort of +confidence with the fire, and then he said, folding his arms across my +esteemed friend's lap, and raising his bright face to hers. "Would you +like to hear a boy's story, Gran?" + +"Of all things," replied my esteemed friend. + +"Would you, godfather?" + +"Of all things," I too replied. + +"Well, then," said Jemmy, "I'll tell you one." + +Here our indisputably remarkable boy gave himself a hug, and laughed +again, musically, at the idea of his coming out in that new line. Then +he once more took the fire into the same sort of confidence as before, +and began: + +"Once upon a time, When pigs drank wine, And monkeys chewed tobaccer, +'Twas neither in your time nor mine, But that's no macker--" + +"Bless the child!" cried my esteemed friend, "what's amiss with his +brain?" + +"It's poetry, Gran," returned Jemmy, shouting with laughter. "We always +begin stories that way at school." + +"Gave me quite a turn, Major," said my esteemed friend, fanning herself +with a plate. "Thought he was light-headed!" + +"In those remarkable times, Gran and godfather, there was once a boy,--not +me, you know." + +"No, no," says my respected friend, "not you. Not him, Major, you +understand?" + +"No, no," says I. + +"And he went to school in Rutlandshire--" + +"Why not Lincolnshire?" says my respected friend. + +"Why not, you dear old Gran? Because _I_ go to school in Lincolnshire, +don't I?" + +"Ah, to be sure!" says my respected friend. "And it's not Jemmy, you +understand, Major?" + +"No, no," says I. + +"Well!" our boy proceeded, hugging himself comfortably, and laughing +merrily (again in confidence with the fire), before he again looked up in +Mrs. Lirriper's face, "and so he was tremendously in love with his +schoolmaster's daughter, and she was the most beautiful creature that +ever was seen, and she had brown eyes, and she had brown hair all curling +beautifully, and she had a delicious voice, and she was delicious +altogether, and her name was Seraphina." + +"What's the name of _your_ schoolmaster's daughter, Jemmy?" asks my +respected friend. + +"Polly!" replied Jemmy, pointing his forefinger at her. "There now! +Caught you! Ha, ha, ha!" + +When he and my respected friend had had a laugh and a hug together, our +admittedly remarkable boy resumed with a great relish: + +"Well! And so he loved her. And so he thought about her, and dreamed +about her, and made her presents of oranges and nuts, and would have made +her presents of pearls and diamonds if he could have afforded it out of +his pocket-money, but he couldn't. And so her father--O, he WAS a +Tartar! Keeping the boys up to the mark, holding examinations once a +month, lecturing upon all sorts of subjects at all sorts of times, and +knowing everything in the world out of book. And so this boy--" + +"Had he any name?" asks my respected friend. + +"No, he hadn't, Gran. Ha, ha! There now! Caught you again!" + +After this, they had another laugh and another hug, and then our boy went +on. + +"Well! And so this boy, he had a friend about as old as himself at the +same school, and his name (for He _had_ a name, as it happened) was--let +me remember--was Bobbo." + +"Not Bob," says my respected friend. + +"Of course not," says Jemmy. "What made you think it was, Gran? Well! +And so this friend was the cleverest and bravest and best-looking and +most generous of all the friends that ever were, and so he was in love +with Seraphina's sister, and so Seraphina's sister was in love with him, +and so they all grew up." + +"Bless us!" says my respected friend. "They were very sudden about it." + +"So they all grew up," our boy repeated, laughing heartily, "and Bobbo +and this boy went away together on horseback to seek their fortunes, and +they partly got their horses by favour, and partly in a bargain; that is +to say, they had saved up between them seven and fourpence, and the two +horses, being Arabs, were worth more, only the man said he would take +that, to favour them. Well! And so they made their fortunes and came +prancing back to the school, with their pockets full of gold, enough to +last for ever. And so they rang at the parents' and visitors' bell (not +the back gate), and when the bell was answered they proclaimed 'The same +as if it was scarlet fever! Every boy goes home for an indefinite +period!' And then there was great hurrahing, and then they kissed +Seraphina and her sister,--each his own love, and not the other's on any +account,--and then they ordered the Tartar into instant confinement." + +"Poor man!" said my respected friend. + +"Into instant confinement, Gran," repeated Jemmy, trying to look severe +and roaring with laughter; "and he was to have nothing to eat but the +boys' dinners, and was to drink half a cask of their beer every day. And +so then the preparations were made for the two weddings, and there were +hampers, and potted things, and sweet things, and nuts, and +postage-stamps, and all manner of things. And so they were so jolly, +that they let the Tartar out, and he was jolly too." + +"I am glad they let him out," says my respected friend, "because he had +only done his duty." + +"O, but hadn't he overdone it, though!" cried Jemmy. "Well! And so then +this boy mounted his horse, with his bride in his arms, and cantered +away, and cantered on and on till he came to a certain place where he had +a certain Gran and a certain godfather,--not you two, you know." + +"No, no," we both said. + +"And there he was received with great rejoicings, and he filled the +cupboard and the bookcase with gold, and he showered it out on his Gran +and his godfather because they were the two kindest and dearest people +that ever lived in this world. And so while they were sitting up to +their knees in gold, a knocking was heard at the street door, and who +should it be but Bobbo, also on horseback with his bride in his arms, and +what had he come to say but that he would take (at double rent) all the +Lodgings for ever, that were not wanted by this a boy and this Gran and +this godfather, and that they would all live together, and all be happy! +And so they were, and so it never ended!" + +"And was there no quarrelling?" asked my respected friend, as Jemmy sat +upon her lap and hugged her. + +"No! Nobody ever quarrelled." + +"And did the money never melt away?" + +"No! Nobody could ever spend it all." + +"And did none of them ever grow older?" + +"No! Nobody ever grew older after that." + +"And did none of them ever die?" + +"O, no, no, no, Gran!" exclaimed our dear boy, laying his cheek upon her +breast, and drawing her closer to him. "Nobody ever died." + +"Ah, Major, Major!" says my respected friend, smiling benignly upon me, +"this beats our stories. Let us end with the Boy's story, Major, for the +Boy's story is the best that is ever told!" + +In submission to which request on the part of the best of women, I have +here noted it down as faithfully as my best abilities, coupled with my +best intentions, would admit, subscribing it with my name, + +J. JACKMAN. +THE PARLOURS. +MRS. LIRRIPER'S LODGINGS. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MRS. 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LIRRIPER CARRIED ON THE BUSINESS + + + +Whoever would begin to be worried with letting Lodgings that wasn't +a lone woman with a living to get is a thing inconceivable to me, my +dear; excuse the familiarity, but it comes natural to me in my own +little room, when wishing to open my mind to those that I can trust, +and I should be truly thankful if they were all mankind, but such is +not so, for have but a Furnished bill in the window and your watch +on the mantelpiece, and farewell to it if you turn your back for but +a second, however gentlemanly the manners; nor is being of your own +sex any safeguard, as I have reason, in the form of sugar-tongs to +know, for that lady (and a fine woman she was) got me to run for a +glass of water, on the plea of going to be confined, which certainly +turned out true, but it was in the Station-house. + +Number Eighty-one Norfolk Street, Strand--situated midway between +the City and St. James's, and within five minutes' walk of the +principal places of public amusement--is my address. I have rented +this house many years, as the parish rate-books will testify; and I +could wish my landlord was as alive to the fact as I am myself; but +no, bless you, not a half a pound of paint to save his life, nor so +much, my dear, as a tile upon the roof, though on your bended knees. + +My dear, you never have found Number Eighty-one Norfolk Street +Strand advertised in Bradshaw's Railway Guide, and with the blessing +of Heaven you never will or shall so find it. Some there are who do +not think it lowering themselves to make their names that cheap, and +even going the lengths of a portrait of the house not like it with a +blot in every window and a coach and four at the door, but what will +suit Wozenham's lower down on the other side of the way will not +suit me, Miss Wozenham having her opinions and me having mine, +though when it comes to systematic underbidding capable of being +proved on oath in a court of justice and taking the form of "If Mrs. +Lirriper names eighteen shillings a week, I name fifteen and six," +it then comes to a settlement between yourself and your conscience, +supposing for the sake of argument your name to be Wozenham, which I +am well aware it is not or my opinion of you would be greatly +lowered, and as to airy bedrooms and a night-porter in constant +attendance the less said the better, the bedrooms being stuffy and +the porter stuff. + +It is forty years ago since me and my poor Lirriper got married at +St. Clement's Danes, where I now have a sitting in a very pleasant +pew with genteel company and my own hassock, and being partial to +evening service not too crowded. My poor Lirriper was a handsome +figure of a man, with a beaming eye and a voice as mellow as a +musical instrument made of honey and steel, but he had ever been a +free liver being in the commercial travelling line and travelling +what he called a limekiln road--"a dry road, Emma my dear," my poor +Lirriper says to me, "where I have to lay the dust with one drink or +another all day long and half the night, and it wears me Emma"--and +this led to his running through a good deal and might have run +through the turnpike too when that dreadful horse that never would +stand still for a single instant set off, but for its being night +and the gate shut and consequently took his wheel, my poor Lirriper +and the gig smashed to atoms and never spoke afterwards. He was a +handsome figure of a man, and a man with a jovial heart and a sweet +temper; but if they had come up then they never could have given you +the mellowness of his voice, and indeed I consider photographs +wanting in mellowness as a general rule and making you look like a +new-ploughed field. + +My poor Lirriper being behindhand with the world and being buried at +Hatfield church in Hertfordshire, not that it was his native place +but that he had a liking for the Salisbury Arms where we went upon +our wedding-day and passed as happy a fortnight as ever happy was, I +went round to the creditors and I says "Gentlemen I am acquainted +with the fact that I am not answerable for my late husband's debts +but I wish to pay them for I am his lawful wife and his good name is +dear to me. I am going into the Lodgings gentlemen as a business +and if I prosper every farthing that my late husband owed shall be +paid for the sake of the love I bore him, by this right hand." It +took a long time to do but it was done, and the silver cream-jug +which is between ourselves and the bed and the mattress in my room +up-stairs (or it would have found legs so sure as ever the Furnished +bill was up) being presented by the gentlemen engraved "To Mrs. +Lirriper a mark of grateful respect for her honourable conduct" gave +me a turn which was too much for my feelings, till Mr. Betley which +at that time had the parlours and loved his joke says "Cheer up Mrs. +Lirriper, you should feel as if it was only your christening and +they were your godfathers and godmothers which did promise for you." +And it brought me round, and I don't mind confessing to you my dear +that I then put a sandwich and a drop of sherry in a little basket +and went down to Hatfield church-yard outside the coach and kissed +my hand and laid it with a kind of proud and swelling love on my +husband's grave, though bless you it had taken me so long to clear +his name that my wedding-ring was worn quite fine and smooth when I +laid it on the green green waving grass. + +I am an old woman now and my good looks are gone but that's me my +dear over the plate-warmer and considered like in the times when you +used to pay two guineas on ivory and took your chance pretty much +how you came out, which made you very careful how you left it about +afterwards because people were turned so red and uncomfortable by +mostly guessing it was somebody else quite different, and there was +once a certain person that had put his money in a hop business that +came in one morning to pay his rent and his respects being the +second floor that would have taken it down from its hook and put it +in his breast-pocket--you understand my dear--for the L, he says of +the original--only there was no mellowness in HIS voice and I +wouldn't let him, but his opinion of it you may gather from his +saying to it "Speak to me Emma!" which was far from a rational +observation no doubt but still a tribute to its being a likeness, +and I think myself it WAS like me when I was young and wore that +sort of stays. + +But it was about the Lodgings that I was intending to hold forth and +certainly I ought to know something of the business having been in +it so long, for it was early in the second year of my married life +that I lost my poor Lirriper and I set up at Islington directly +afterwards and afterwards came here, being two houses and eight-and- +thirty years and some losses and a deal of experience. + +Girls are your first trial after fixtures and they try you even +worse than what I call the Wandering Christians, though why THEY +should roam the earth looking for bills and then coming in and +viewing the apartments and stickling about terms and never at all +wanting them or dreaming of taking them being already provided, is, +a mystery I should be thankful to have explained if by any miracle +it could be. It's wonderful they live so long and thrive so on it +but I suppose the exercise makes it healthy, knocking so much and +going from house to house and up and down-stairs all day, and then +their pretending to be so particular and punctual is a most +astonishing thing, looking at their watches and saying "Could you +give me the refusal of the rooms till twenty minutes past eleven the +day after to-morrow in the forenoon, and supposing it to be +considered essential by my friend from the country could there be a +small iron bedstead put in the little room upon the stairs?" Why +when I was new to it my dear I used to consider before I promised +and to make my mind anxious with calculations and to get quite +wearied out with disappointments, but now I says "Certainly by all +means" well knowing it's a Wandering Christian and I shall hear no +more about it, indeed by this time I know most of the Wandering +Christians by sight as well as they know me, it being the habit of +each individual revolving round London in that capacity to come back +about twice a year, and it's very remarkable that it runs in +families and the children grow up to it, but even were it otherwise +I should no sooner hear of the friend from the country which is a +certain sign than I should nod and say to myself You're a Wandering +Christian, though whether they are (as I HAVE heard) persons of +small property with a taste for regular employment and frequent +change of scene I cannot undertake to tell you. + +Girls as I was beginning to remark are one of your first and your +lasting troubles, being like your teeth which begin with convulsions +and never cease tormenting you from the time you cut them till they +cut you, and then you don't want to part with them which seems hard +but we must all succumb or buy artificial, and even where you get a +will nine times out of ten you'll get a dirty face with it and +naturally lodgers do not like good society to be shown in with a +smear of black across the nose or a smudgy eyebrow. Where they pick +the black up is a mystery I cannot solve, as in the case of the +willingest girl that ever came into a house half-starved poor thing, +a girl so willing that I called her Willing Sophy down upon her +knees scrubbing early and late and ever cheerful but always smiling +with a black face. And I says to Sophy, "Now Sophy my good girl +have a regular day for your stoves and keep the width of the Airy +between yourself and the blacking and do not brush your hair with +the bottoms of the saucepans and do not meddle with the snuffs of +the candles and it stands to reason that it can no longer be" yet +there it was and always on her nose, which turning up and being +broad at the end seemed to boast of it and caused warning from a +steady gentleman and excellent lodger with breakfast by the week but +a little irritable and use of a sitting-room when required, his +words being "Mrs. Lirriper I have arrived at the point of admitting +that the Black is a man and a brother, but only in a natural form +and when it can't be got off." Well consequently I put poor Sophy +on to other work and forbid her answering the door or answering a +bell on any account but she was so unfortunately willing that +nothing would stop her flying up the kitchen-stairs whenever a bell +was heard to tingle. I put it to her "O Sophy Sophy for goodness' +goodness' sake where does it come from?" To which that poor unlucky +willing mortal--bursting out crying to see me so vexed replied "I +took a deal of black into me ma'am when I was a small child being +much neglected and I think it must be, that it works out," so it +continuing to work out of that poor thing and not having another +fault to find with her I says "Sophy what do you seriously think of +my helping you away to New South Wales where it might not be +noticed?" Nor did I ever repent the money which was well spent, for +she married the ship's cook on the voyage (himself a Mulotter) and +did well and lived happy, and so far as ever I heard it was NOT +noticed in a new state of society to her dying day. + +In what way Miss Wozenham lower down on the other side of the way +reconciled it to her feelings as a lady (which she is not) to entice +Mary Anne Perkinsop from my service is best known to herself, I do +not know and I do not wish to know how opinions are formed at +Wozenham's on any point. But Mary Anne Perkinsop although I behaved +handsomely to her and she behaved unhandsomely to me was worth her +weight in gold as overawing lodgers without driving them away, for +lodgers would be far more sparing of their bells with Mary Anne than +I ever knew them to be with Maid or Mistress, which is a great +triumph especially when accompanied with a cast in the eye and a bag +of bones, but it was the steadiness of her way with them through her +father's having failed in Pork. It was Mary Anne's looking so +respectable in her person and being so strict in her spirits that +conquered the tea-and-sugarest gentleman (for he weighed them both +in a pair of scales every morning) that I have ever had to deal with +and no lamb grew meeker, still it afterwards came round to me that +Miss Wozenham happening to pass and seeing Mary Anne take in the +milk of a milkman that made free in a rosy-faced way (I think no +worse of him) with every girl in the street but was quite frozen up +like the statue at Charing-cross by her, saw Mary Anne's value in +the lodging business and went as high as one pound per quarter more, +consequently Mary Anne with not a word betwixt us says "If you will +provide yourself Mrs. Lirriper in a month from this day I have +already done the same," which hurt me and I said so, and she then +hurt me more by insinuating that her father having failed in Pork +had laid her open to it. + +My dear I do assure you it's a harassing thing to know what kind of +girls to give the preference to, for if they are lively they get +bell'd off their legs and if they are sluggish you suffer from it +yourself in complaints and if they are sparkling-eyed they get made +love to, and if they are smart in their persons they try on your +Lodgers' bonnets and if they are musical I defy you to keep them +away from bands and organs, and allowing for any difference you like +in their heads their heads will be always out of window just the +same. And then what the gentlemen like in girls the ladies don't, +which is fruitful hot water for all parties, and then there's temper +though such a temper as Caroline Maxey's I hope not often. A good- +looking black-eyed girl was Caroline and a comely-made girl to your +cost when she did break out and laid about her, as took place first +and last through a new-married couple come to see London in the +first floor and the lady very high and it WAS supposed not liking +the good looks of Caroline having none of her own to spare, but +anyhow she did try Caroline though that was no excuse. So one +afternoon Caroline comes down into the kitchen flushed and flashing, +and she says to me "Mrs. Lirriper that woman in the first has +aggravated me past bearing," I says "Caroline keep your temper," +Caroline says with a curdling laugh "Keep my temper? You're right +Mrs. Lirriper, so I will. Capital D her!" bursts out Caroline (you +might have struck me into the centre of the earth with a feather +when she said it) "I'll give her a touch of the temper that I keep!" +Caroline downs with her hair my dear, screeches and rushes up- +stairs, I following as fast as my trembling legs could bear me, but +before I got into the room the dinner-cloth and pink-and-white +service all dragged off upon the floor with a crash and the new- +married couple on their backs in the firegrate, him with the shovel +and tongs and a dish of cucumber across him and a mercy it was +summer-time. "Caroline" I says "be calm," but she catches off my +cap and tears it in her teeth as she passes me, then pounces on the +new-married lady makes her a bundle of ribbons takes her by the two +ears and knocks the back of her head upon the carpet Murder +screaming all the time Policemen running down the street and +Wozenham's windows (judge of my feelings when I came to know it) +thrown up and Miss Wozenham calling out from the balcony with +crocodile's tears "It's Mrs. Lirriper been overcharging somebody to +madness--she'll be murdered--I always thought so--Pleeseman save +her!" My dear four of them and Caroline behind the chiffoniere +attacking with the poker and when disarmed prize-fighting with her +double fists, and down and up and up and down and dreadful! But I +couldn't bear to see the poor young creature roughly handled and her +hair torn when they got the better of her, and I says "Gentlemen +Policemen pray remember that her sex is the sex of your mothers and +sisters and your sweethearts, and God bless them and you!" And +there she was sitting down on the ground handcuffed, taking breath +against the skirting-board and them cool with their coats in strips, +and all she says was "Mrs. Lirriper I'm sorry as ever I touched you, +for you're a kind motherly old thing," and it made me think that I +had often wished I had been a mother indeed and how would my heart +have felt if I had been the mother of that girl! Well you know it +turned out at the Police-office that she had done it before, and she +had her clothes away and was sent to prison, and when she was to +come out I trotted off to the gate in the evening with just a morsel +of jelly in that little basket of mine to give her a mite of +strength to face the world again, and there I met with a very decent +mother waiting for her son through bad company and a stubborn one he +was with his half-boots not laced. So out came Caroline and I says +"Caroline come along with me and sit down under the wall where it's +retired and eat a little trifle that I have brought with me to do +you good," and she throws her arms round my neck and says sobbing "O +why were you never a mother when there are such mothers as there +are!" she says, and in half a minute more she begins to laugh and +says "Did I really tear your cap to shreds?" and when I told her +"You certainly did so Caroline" she laughed again and said while she +patted my face "Then why do you wear such queer old caps you dear +old thing? if you hadn't worn such queer old caps I don't think I +should have done it even then." Fancy the girl! Nothing could get +out of her what she was going to do except O she would do well +enough, and we parted she being very thankful and kissing my hands, +and I nevermore saw or heard of that girl, except that I shall +always believe that a very genteel cap which was brought anonymous +to me one Saturday night in an oilskin basket by a most impertinent +young sparrow of a monkey whistling with dirty shoes on the clean +steps and playing the harp on the Airy railings with a hoop-stick +came from Caroline. + +What you lay yourself open to my dear in the way of being the object +of uncharitable suspicions when you go into the Lodging business I +have not the words to tell you, but never was I so dishonourable as +to have two keys nor would I willingly think it even of Miss +Wozenham lower down on the other side of the way sincerely hoping +that it may not be, though doubtless at the same time money cannot +come from nowhere and it is not reason to suppose that Bradshaws put +it in for love be it blotty as it may. It IS a hardship hurting to +the feelings that Lodgers open their minds so wide to the idea that +you are trying to get the better of them and shut their minds so +close to the idea that they are trying to get the better of you, but +as Major Jackman says to me, "I know the ways of this circular world +Mrs. Lirriper, and that's one of 'em all round it" and many is the +little ruffle in my mind that the Major has smoothed, for he is a +clever man who has seen much. Dear dear, thirteen years have passed +though it seems but yesterday since I was sitting with my glasses on +at the open front parlour window one evening in August (the parlours +being then vacant) reading yesterday's paper my eyes for print being +poor though still I am thankful to say a long sight at a distance, +when I hear a gentleman come posting across the road and up the +street in a dreadful rage talking to himself in a fury and d'ing and +c'ing somebody. "By George!" says he out loud and clutching his +walking-stick, "I'll go to Mrs. Lirriper's. Which is Mrs. +Lirriper's?" Then looking round and seeing me he flourishes his hat +right off his head as if I had been the queen and he says, "Excuse +the intrusion Madam, but pray Madam can you tell me at what number +in this street there resides a well-known and much-respected lady by +the name of Lirriper?" A little flustered though I must say +gratified I took off my glasses and courtesied and said "Sir, Mrs. +Lirriper is your humble servant." "Astonishing!" says he. "A +million pardons! Madam, may I ask you to have the kindness to +direct one of your domestics to open the door to a gentleman in +search of apartments, by the name of Jackman?" I had never heard +the name but a politer gentleman I never hope to see, for says he, +"Madam I am shocked at your opening the door yourself to no worthier +a fellow than Jemmy Jackman. After you Madam. I never precede a +lady." Then he comes into the parlours and he sniffs, and he says +"Hah! These are parlours! Not musty cupboards" he says "but +parlours, and no smell of coal-sacks." Now my dear it having been +remarked by some inimical to the whole neighbourhood that it always +smells of coal-sacks which might prove a drawback to Lodgers if +encouraged, I says to the Major gently though firmly that I think he +is referring to Arundel or Surrey or Howard but not Norfolk. +"Madam" says he "I refer to Wozenham's lower down over the way-- +Madam you can form no notion what Wozenham's is--Madam it is a vast +coal-sack, and Miss Wozenham has the principles and manners of a +female heaver--Madam from the manner in which I have heard her +mention you I know she has no appreciation of a lady, and from the +manner in which she has conducted herself towards me I know she has +no appreciation of a gentleman--Madam my name is Jackman--should you +require any other reference than what I have already said, I name +the Bank of England--perhaps you know it!" Such was the beginning +of the Major's occupying the parlours and from that hour to this the +same and a most obliging Lodger and punctual in all respects except +one irregular which I need not particularly specify, but made up for +by his being a protection and at all times ready to fill in the +papers of the Assessed Taxes and Juries and that, and once collared +a young man with the drawing-room clock under his coat, and once on +the parapets with his own hands and blankets put out the kitchen +chimney and afterwards attending the summons made a most eloquent +speech against the Parish before the magistrates and saved the +engine, and ever quite the gentleman though passionate. And +certainly Miss Wozenham's detaining the trunks and umbrella was not +in a liberal spirit though it may have been according to her rights +in law or an act I would myself have stooped to, the Major being so +much the gentleman that though he is far from tall he seems almost +so when he has his shirt-frill out and his frock-coat on and his hat +with the curly brims, and in what service he was I cannot truly tell +you my dear whether Militia or Foreign, for I never heard him even +name himself as Major but always simple "Jemmy Jackman" and once +soon after he came when I felt it my duty to let him know that Miss +Wozenham had put it about that he was no Major and I took the +liberty of adding "which you are sir" his words were "Madam at any +rate I am not a Minor, and sufficient for the day is the evil +thereof" which cannot be denied to be the sacred truth, nor yet his +military ways of having his boots with only the dirt brushed off +taken to him in the front parlour every morning on a clean plate and +varnishing them himself with a little sponge and a saucer and a +whistle in a whisper so sure as ever his breakfast is ended, and so +neat his ways that it never soils his linen which is scrupulous +though more in quality than quantity, neither that nor his +mustachios which to the best of my belief are done at the same time +and which are as black and shining as his boots, his head of hair +being a lovely white. + +It was the third year nearly up of the Major's being in the parlours +that early one morning in the month of February when Parliament was +coming on and you may therefore suppose a number of impostors were +about ready to take hold of anything they could get, a gentleman and +a lady from the country came in to view the Second, and I well +remember that I had been looking out of window and had watched them +and the heavy sleet driving down the street together looking for +bills. I did not quite take to the face of the gentleman though he +was good-looking too but the lady was a very pretty young thing and +delicate, and it seemed too rough for her to be out at all though +she had only come from the Adelphi Hotel which would not have been +much above a quarter of a mile if the weather had been less severe. +Now it did so happen my dear that I had been forced to put five +shillings weekly additional on the second in consequence of a loss +from running away full dressed as if going out to a dinner-party, +which was very artful and had made me rather suspicious taking it +along with Parliament, so when the gentleman proposed three months +certain and the money in advance and leave then reserved to renew on +the same terms for six months more, I says I was not quite certain +but that I might have engaged myself to another party but would step +down-stairs and look into it if they would take a seat. They took a +seat and I went down to the handle of the Major's door that I had +already began to consult finding it a great blessing, and I knew by +his whistling in a whisper that he was varnishing his boots which +was generally considered private, however he kindly calls out "If +it's you, Madam, come in," and I went in and told him. + +"Well, Madam," says the Major rubbing his nose--as I did fear at the +moment with the black sponge but it was only his knuckle, he being +always neat and dexterous with his fingers--"well, Madam, I suppose +you would be glad of the money?" + +I was delicate of saying "Yes" too out, for a little extra colour +rose into the Major's cheeks and there was irregularity which I will +not particularly specify in a quarter which I will not name. + +"I am of opinion, Madam," says the Major, "that when money is ready +for you--when it is ready for you, Mrs. Lirriper--you ought to take +it. What is there against it, Madam, in this case up-stairs?" + +"I really cannot say there is anything against it, sir, still I +thought I would consult you." + +"You said a newly-married couple, I think, Madam?" says the Major. + +I says "Ye-es. Evidently. And indeed the young lady mentioned to +me in a casual way that she had not been married many months." + +The Major rubbed his nose again and stirred the varnish round and +round in its little saucer with his piece of sponge and took to his +whistling in a whisper for a few moments. Then he says "You would +call it a Good Let, Madam?" + +"O certainly a Good Let sir." + +"Say they renew for the additional six months. Would it put you +about very much Madam if--if the worst was to come to the worst?" +said the Major. + +"Well I hardly know," I says to the Major. "It depends upon +circumstances. Would YOU object Sir for instance?" + +"I?" says the Major. "Object? Jemmy Jackman? Mrs. Lirriper close +with the proposal." + +So I went up-stairs and accepted, and they came in next day which +was Saturday and the Major was so good as to draw up a Memorandum of +an agreement in a beautiful round hand and expressions that sounded +to me equally legal and military, and Mr. Edson signed it on the +Monday morning and the Major called upon Mr. Edson on the Tuesday +and Mr. Edson called upon the Major on the Wednesday and the Second +and the parlours were as friendly as could be wished. + +The three months paid for had run out and we had got without any +fresh overtures as to payment into May my dear, when there came an +obligation upon Mr. Edson to go a business expedition right across +the Isle of Man, which fell quite unexpected upon that pretty little +thing and is not a place that according to my views is particularly +in the way to anywhere at any time but that may be a matter of +opinion. So short a notice was it that he was to go next day, and +dreadfully she cried poor pretty, and I am sure I cried too when I +saw her on the cold pavement in the sharp east wind--it being a very +backward spring that year--taking a last leave of him with her +pretty bright hair blowing this way and that and her arms clinging +round his neck and him saying "There there there. Now let me go +Peggy." And by that time it was plain that what the Major had been +so accommodating as to say he would not object to happening in the +house, would happen in it, and I told her as much when he was gone +while I comforted her with my arm up the staircase, for I says "You +will soon have others to keep up for my pretty and you must think of +that." + +His letter never came when it ought to have come and what she went +through morning after morning when the postman brought none for her +the very postman himself compassionated when she ran down to the +door, and yet we cannot wonder at its being calculated to blunt the +feelings to have all the trouble of other people's letters and none +of the pleasure and doing it oftener in the mud and mizzle than not +and at a rate of wages more resembling Little Britain than Great. +But at last one morning when she was too poorly to come running +down-stairs he says to me with a pleased look in his face that made +me next to love the man in his uniform coat though he was dripping +wet "I have taken you first in the street this morning Mrs. +Lirriper, for here's the one for Mrs. Edson." I went up to her +bedroom with it as fast as ever I could go, and she sat up in bed +when she saw it and kissed it and tore it open and then a blank +stare came upon her. "It's very short!" she says lifting her large +eyes to my face. "O Mrs. Lirriper it's very short!" I says "My +dear Mrs. Edson no doubt that's because your husband hadn't time to +write more just at that time." "No doubt, no doubt," says she, and +puts her two hands on her face and turns round in her bed. + +I shut her softly in and I crept down-stairs and I tapped at the +Major's door, and when the Major having his thin slices of bacon in +his own Dutch oven saw me he came out of his chair and put me down +on the sofa. "Hush!" says he, "I see something's the matter. Don't +speak--take time." I says "O Major I'm afraid there's cruel work +up-stairs." "Yes yes" says he "I had begun to be afraid of it--take +time." And then in opposition to his own words he rages out +frightfully, and says "I shall never forgive myself Madam, that I, +Jemmy Jackman, didn't see it all that morning--didn't go straight +up-stairs when my boot-sponge was in my hand--didn't force it down +his throat--and choke him dead with it on the spot!" + +The Major and me agreed when we came to ourselves that just at +present we could do no more than take on to suspect nothing and use +our best endeavours to keep that poor young creature quiet, and what +I ever should have done without the Major when it got about among +the organ-men that quiet was our object is unknown, for he made lion +and tiger war upon them to that degree that without seeing it I +could not have believed it was in any gentleman to have such a power +of bursting out with fire-irons walking-sticks water-jugs coals +potatoes off his table the very hat off his head, and at the same +time so furious in foreign languages that they would stand with +their handles half-turned fixed like the Sleeping Ugly--for I cannot +say Beauty. + +Ever to see the postman come near the house now gave me such I fear +that it was a reprieve when he went by, but in about another ten +days or a fortnight he says again, "Here's one for Mrs. Edson.--Is +she pretty well?" "She is pretty well postman, but not well enough +to rise so early as she used" which was so far gospel-truth. + +I carried the letter in to the Major at his breakfast and I says +tottering "Major I have not the courage to take it up to her." + +"It's an ill-looking villain of a letter," says the Major. + +"I have not the courage Major" I says again in a tremble "to take it +up to her." + +After seeming lost in consideration for some moments the Major says, +raising his head as if something new and useful had occurred to his +mind "Mrs. Lirriper, I shall never forgive myself that I, Jemmy +Jackman, didn't go straight up-stairs that morning when my boot- +sponge was in my hand--and force it down his throat--and choke him +dead with it." + +"Major" I says a little hasty "you didn't do it which is a blessing, +for it would have done no good and I think your sponge was better +employed on your own honourable boots." + +So we got to be rational, and planned that I should tap at her +bedroom door and lay the letter on the mat outside and wait on the +upper landing for what might happen, and never was gunpowder cannon- +balls or shells or rockets more dreaded than that dreadful letter +was by me as I took it to the second floor. + +A terrible loud scream sounded through the house the minute after +she had opened it, and I found her on the floor lying as if her life +was gone. My dear I never looked at the face of the letter which +was lying, open by her, for there was no occasion. + +Everything I needed to bring her round the Major brought up with his +own hands, besides running out to the chemist's for what was not in +the house and likewise having the fiercest of all his many +skirmishes with a musical instrument representing a ball-room I do +not know in what particular country and company waltzing in and out +at folding-doors with rolling eyes. When after a long time I saw +her coming to, I slipped on the landing till I heard her cry, and +then I went in and says cheerily "Mrs. Edson you're not well my dear +and it's not to be wondered at," as if I had not been in before. +Whether she believed or disbelieved I cannot say and it would +signify nothing if I could, but I stayed by her for hours and then +she God ever blesses me! and says she will try to rest for her head +is bad. + +"Major," I whispers, looking in at the parlours, "I beg and pray of +you don't go out." + +The Major whispers, "Madam, trust me I will do no such a thing. How +is she?" + +I says "Major the good Lord above us only knows what burns and rages +in her poor mind. I left her sitting at her window. I am going to +sit at mine." + +It came on afternoon and it came on evening. Norfolk is a +delightful street to lodge in--provided you don't go lower down--but +of a summer evening when the dust and waste paper lie in it and +stray children play in it and a kind of a gritty calm and bake +settles on it and a peal of church-bells is practising in the +neighbourhood it is a trifle dull, and never have I seen it since at +such a time and never shall I see it evermore at such a time without +seeing the dull June evening when that forlorn young creature sat at +her open corner window on the second and me at my open corner window +(the other corner) on the third. Something merciful, something +wiser and better far than my own self, had moved me while it was yet +light to sit in my bonnet and shawl, and as the shadows fell and the +tide rose I could sometimes--when I put out my head and looked at +her window below--see that she leaned out a little looking down the +street. It was just settling dark when I saw HER in the street. + +So fearful of losing sight of her that it almost stops my breath +while I tell it, I went down-stairs faster than I ever moved in all +my life and only tapped with my hand at the Major's door in passing +it and slipping out. She was gone already. I made the same speed +down the street and when I came to the corner of Howard Street I saw +that she had turned it and was there plain before me going towards +the west. O with what a thankful heart I saw her going along! + +She was quite unacquainted with London and had very seldom been out +for more than an airing in our own street where she knew two or +three little children belonging to neighbours and had sometimes +stood among them at the street looking at the water. She must be +going at hazard I knew, still she kept the by-streets quite +correctly as long as they would serve her, and then turned up into +the Strand. But at every corner I could see her head turned one +way, and that way was always the river way. + +It may have been only the darkness and quiet of the Adelphi that +caused her to strike into it but she struck into it much as readily +as if she had set out to go there, which perhaps was the case. She +went straight down to the Terrace and along it and looked over the +iron rail, and I often woke afterwards in my own bed with the horror +of seeing her do it. The desertion of the wharf below and the +flowing of the high water there seemed to settle her purpose. She +looked about as if to make out the way down, and she struck out the +right way or the wrong way--I don't know which, for I don't know the +place before or since--and I followed her the way she went. + +It was noticeable that all this time she never once looked back. +But there was now a great change in the manner of her going, and +instead of going at a steady quick walk with her arms folded before +her,--among the dark dismal arches she went in a wild way with her +arms opened wide, as if they were wings and she was flying to her +death. + +We were on the wharf and she stopped. I stopped. I saw her hands +at her bonnet-strings, and I rushed between her and the brink and +took her round the waist with both my arms. She might have drowned +me, I felt then, but she could never have got quit of me. + +Down to that moment my mind had been all in a maze and not half an +idea had I had in it what I should say to her, but the instant I +touched her it came to me like magic and I had my natural voice and +my senses and even almost my breath. + +"Mrs. Edson!" I says "My dear! Take care. How ever did you lose +your way and stumble on a dangerous place like this? Why you must +have come here by the most perplexing streets in all London. No +wonder you are lost, I'm sure. And this place too! Why I thought +nobody ever got here, except me to order my coals and the Major in +the parlours to smoke his cigar!"--for I saw that blessed man close +by, pretending to it. + +"Hah--Hah--Hum!" coughs the Major. + +"And good gracious me" I says," why here he is!" + +"Halloa! who goes there?" says the Major in a military manner. + +"Well!" I says, "if this don't beat everything! Don't you know us +Major Jackman?" + +"Halloa!" says the Major. "Who calls on Jemmy Jackman?" (and more +out of breath he was, and did it less like life than I should have +expected.) + +"Why here's Mrs. Edson Major" I says, "strolling out to cool her +poor head which has been very bad, has missed her way and got lost, +and Goodness knows where she might have got to but for me coming +here to drop an order into my coal merchant's letter-box and you +coming here to smoke your cigar!--And you really are not well enough +my dear" I says to her "to be half so far from home without me. And +your arm will be very acceptable I am sure Major" I says to him "and +I know she may lean upon it as heavy as she likes." And now we had +both got her--thanks be Above!--one on each side. + +She was all in a cold shiver and she so continued till I laid her on +her own bed, and up to the early morning she held me by the hand and +moaned and moaned "O wicked, wicked, wicked!" But when at last I +made believe to droop my head and be overpowered with a dead sleep, +I heard that poor young creature give such touching and such humble +thanks for being preserved from taking her own life in her madness +that I thought I should have cried my eyes out on the counterpane +and I knew she was safe. + +Being well enough to do and able to afford it, me and the Major laid +our little plans next day while she was asleep worn out, and so I +says to her as soon as I could do it nicely: + +"Mrs. Edson my dear, when Mr. Edson paid me the rent for these +farther six months--" + +She gave a start and I felt her large eyes look at me, but I went on +with it and with my needlework. + +"--I can't say that I am quite sure I dated the receipt right. +Could you let me look at it?" + +She laid her frozen cold hand upon mine and she looked through me +when I was forced to look up from my needlework, but I had taken the +precaution of having on my spectacles. + +"I have no receipt" says she. + +"Ah! Then he has got it" I says in a careless way. "It's of no +great consequence. A receipt's a receipt." + +From that time she always had hold of my hand when I could spare it +which was generally only when I read to her, for of course she and +me had our bits of needlework to plod at and neither of us was very +handy at those little things, though I am still rather proud of my +share in them too considering. And though she took to all I read to +her, I used to fancy that next to what was taught upon the Mount she +took most of all to His gentle compassion for us poor women and to +His young life and to how His mother was proud of Him and treasured +His sayings in her heart. She had a grateful look in her eyes that +never never never will be out of mine until they are closed in my +last sleep, and when I chanced to look at her without thinking of it +I would always meet that look, and she would often offer me her +trembling lip to kiss, much more like a little affectionate half +broken-hearted child than ever I can imagine any grown person. + +One time the trembling of this poor lip was so strong and her tears +ran down so fast that I thought she was going to tell me all her +woe, so I takes her two hands in mine and I says: + +"No my dear not now, you had best not try to do it now. Wait for +better times when you have got over this and are strong, and then +you shall tell me whatever you will. Shall it be agreed?" + +With our hands still joined she nodded her head many times, and she +lifted my hands and put them to her lips and to her bosom. "Only +one word now my dear" I says. "Is there any one?" + +She looked inquiringly "Any one?" + +"That I can go to?" + +She shook her head. + +"No one that I can bring?" + +She shook her head. + +"No one is wanted by ME my dear. Now that may be considered past +and gone." + +Not much more than a week afterwards--for this was far on in the +time of our being so together--I was bending over at her bedside +with my ear down to her lips, by turns listening for her breath and +looking for a sign of life in her face. At last it came in a solemn +way--not in a flash but like a kind of pale faint light brought very +slow to the face. + +She said something to me that had no sound in it, but I saw she +asked me: + +"Is this death?" + +And I says: + +"Poor dear poor dear, I think it is." + +Knowing somehow that she wanted me to move her weak right hand, I +took it and laid it on her breast and then folded her other hand +upon it, and she prayed a good good prayer and I joined in it poor +me though there were no words spoke. Then I brought the baby in its +wrappers from where it lay, and I says: + +"My dear this is sent to a childless old woman. This is for me to +take care of." + +The trembling lip was put up towards my face for the last time, and +I dearly kissed it. + +"Yes my dear," I says. "Please God! Me and the Major." + +I don't know how to tell it right, but I saw her soul brighten and +leap up, and get free and fly away in the grateful look. + +* * * + +So this is the why and wherefore of its coming to pass my dear that +we called him Jemmy, being after the Major his own godfather with +Lirriper for a surname being after myself, and never was a dear +child such a brightening thing in a Lodgings or such a playmate to +his grandmother as Jemmy to this house and me, and always good and +minding what he was told (upon the whole) and soothing for the +temper and making everything pleasanter except when he grew old +enough to drop his cap down Wozenham's Airy and they wouldn't hand +it up to him, and being worked into a state I put on my best bonnet +and gloves and parasol with the child in my hand and I says "Miss +Wozenham I little thought ever to have entered your house but unless +my grandson's cap is instantly restored, the laws of this country +regulating the property of the Subject shall at length decide +betwixt yourself and me, cost what it may." With a sneer upon her +face which did strike me I must say as being expressive of two keys +but it may have been a mistake and if there is any doubt let Miss +Wozenham have the full benefit of it as is but right, she rang the +bell and she says "Jane, is there a street-child's old cap down our +Airy?" I says "Miss Wozenham before your housemaid answers that +question you must allow me to inform you to your face that my +grandson is NOT a street-child and is NOT in the habit of wearing +old caps. In fact" I says "Miss Wozenham I am far from sure that my +grandson's cap may not be newer than your own" which was perfectly +savage in me, her lace being the commonest machine-make washed and +torn besides, but I had been put into a state to begin with fomented +by impertinence. Miss Wozenham says red in the face "Jane you heard +my question, is there any child's cap down our Airy?" "Yes Ma'am" +says Jane, "I think I did see some such rubbish a-lying there." +"Then" says Miss Wozenham "let these visitors out, and then throw up +that worthless article out of my premises." But here the child who +had been staring at Miss Wozenham with all his eyes and more, frowns +down his little eyebrows purses up his little mouth puts his chubby +legs far apart turns his little dimpled fists round and round slowly +over one another like a little coffee-mill, and says to her "Oo +impdent to mi Gran, me tut oor hi!" "O!" says Miss Wozenham looking +down scornfully at the Mite "this is not a street-child is it not! +Really!" I bursts out laughing and I says "Miss Wozenham if this +ain't a pretty sight to you I don't envy your feelings and I wish +you good-day. Jemmy come along with Gran." And I was still in the +best of humours though his cap came flying up into the street as if +it had been just turned on out of the water-plug, and I went home +laughing all the way, all owing to that dear boy. + +The miles and miles that me and the Major have travelled with Jemmy +in the dusk between the lights are not to be calculated, Jemmy +driving on the coach-box which is the Major's brass-bound writing +desk on the table, me inside in the easy-chair and the Major Guard +up behind with a brown-paper horn doing it really wonderful. I do +assure you my dear that sometimes when I have taken a few winks in +my place inside the coach and have come half awake by the flashing +light of the fire and have heard that precious pet driving and the +Major blowing up behind to have the change of horses ready when we +got to the Inn, I have half believed we were on the old North Road +that my poor Lirriper knew so well. Then to see that child and the +Major both wrapped up getting down to warm their feet and going +stamping about and having glasses of ale out of the paper matchboxes +on the chimney-piece is to see the Major enjoying it fully as much +as the child I am very sure, and it's equal to any play when Coachee +opens the coach-door to look in at me inside and say "Wery 'past +that 'tage.--'Prightened old lady?" + +But what my inexpressible feelings were when we lost that child can +only be compared to the Major's which were not a shade better, +through his straying out at five years old and eleven o'clock in the +forenoon and never heard of by word or sign or deed till half-past +nine at night, when the Major had gone to the Editor of the Times +newspaper to put in an advertisement, which came out next day four- +and-twenty hours after he was found, and which I mean always +carefully to keep in my lavender drawer as the first printed account +of him. The more the day got on, the more I got distracted and the +Major too and both of us made worse by the composed ways of the +police though very civil and obliging and what I must call their +obstinacy in not entertaining the idea that he was stolen. "We +mostly find Mum" says the sergeant who came round to comfort me, +which he didn't at all and he had been one of the private constables +in Caroline's time to which he referred in his opening words when he +said "Don't give way to uneasiness in your mind Mum, it'll all come +as right as my nose did when I got the same barked by that young +woman in your second floor"--says this sergeant "we mostly find Mum +as people ain't over-anxious to have what I may call second-hand +children. YOU'LL get him back Mum." "O but my dear good sir" I +says clasping my hands and wringing them and clasping them again "he +is such an uncommon child!" "Yes Mum" says the sergeant, "we mostly +find that too Mum. The question is what his clothes were worth." +"His clothes" I says "were not worth much sir for he had only got +his playing-dress on, but the dear child!--" "All right Mum" says +the sergeant. "You'll get him back Mum. And even if he'd had his +best clothes on, it wouldn't come to worse than his being found +wrapped up in a cabbage-leaf, a shivering in a lane." His words +pierced my heart like daggers and daggers, and me and the Major ran +in and out like wild things all day long till the Major returning +from his interview with the Editor of the Times at night rushes into +my little room hysterical and squeezes my hand and wipes his eyes +and says "Joy joy--officer in plain clothes came up on the steps as +I was letting myself in--compose your feelings--Jemmy's found." +Consequently I fainted away and when I came to, embraced the legs of +the officer in plain clothes who seemed to be taking a kind of a +quiet inventory in his mind of the property in my little room with +brown whiskers, and I says "Blessings on you sir where is the +Darling!" and he says "In Kennington Station House." I was dropping +at his feet Stone at the image of that Innocence in cells with +murderers when he adds "He followed the Monkey." I says deeming it +slang language "O sir explain for a loving grandmother what Monkey!" +He says "Him in the spangled cap with the strap under the chin, as +won't keep on--him as sweeps the crossings on a round table and +don't want to draw his sabre more than he can help." Then I +understood it all and most thankfully thanked him, and me and the +Major and him drove over to Kennington and there we found our boy +lying quite comfortable before a blazing fire having sweetly played +himself to sleep upon a small accordion nothing like so big as a +flat-iron which they had been so kind as to lend him for the purpose +and which it appeared had been stopped upon a very young person. + +My dear the system upon which the Major commenced and as I may say +perfected Jemmy's learning when he was so small that if the dear was +on the other side of the table you had to look under it instead of +over it to see him with his mother's own bright hair in beautiful +curls, is a thing that ought to be known to the Throne and Lords and +Commons and then might obtain some promotion for the Major which he +well deserves and would be none the worse for (speaking between +friends) L. S. D.-ically. When the Major first undertook his +learning he says to me: + +"I'm going Madam," he says "to make our child a Calculating Boy. + +"Major," I says, "you terrify me and may do the pet a permanent +injury you would never forgive yourself." + +"Madam," says the Major, "next to my regret that when I had my boot- +sponge in my hand, I didn't choke that scoundrel with it--on the +spot--" + +"There! For Gracious' sake," I interrupts, "let his conscience find +him without sponges." + +"--I say next to that regret, Madam," says the Major "would be the +regret with which my breast," which he tapped, "would be surcharged +if this fine mind was not early cultivated. But mark me Madam," +says the Major holding up his forefinger "cultivated on a principle +that will make it a delight." + +"Major" I says "I will be candid with you and tell you openly that +if ever I find the dear child fall off in his appetite I shall know +it is his calculations and shall put a stop to them at two minutes' +notice. Or if I find them mounting to his head" I says, "or +striking anyways cold to his stomach or leading to anything +approaching flabbiness in his legs, the result will be the same, but +Major you are a clever man and have seen much and you love the child +and are his own godfather, and if you feel a confidence in trying +try." + +"Spoken Madam" says the Major "like Emma Lirriper. All I have to +ask, Madam, is that you will leave my godson and myself to make a +week or two's preparations for surprising you, and that you will +give me leave to have up and down any small articles not actually in +use that I may require from the kitchen." + +"From the kitchen Major?" I says half feeling as if he had a mind to +cook the child. + +"From the kitchen" says the Major, and smiles and swells, and at the +same time looks taller. + +So I passed my word and the Major and the dear boy were shut up +together for half an hour at a time through a certain while, and +never could I hear anything going on betwixt them but talking and +laughing and Jemmy clapping his hands and screaming out numbers, so +I says to myself "it has not harmed him yet" nor could I on +examining the dear find any signs of it anywhere about him which was +likewise a great relief. At last one day Jemmy brings me a card in +joke in the Major's neat writing "The Messrs. Jemmy Jackman" for we +had given him the Major's other name too "request the honour of Mrs. +Lirriper's company at the Jackman Institution in the front parlour +this evening at five, military time, to witness a few slight feats +of elementary arithmetic." And if you'll believe me there in the +front parlour at five punctual to the moment was the Major behind +the Pembroke table with both leaves up and a lot of things from the +kitchen tidily set out on old newspapers spread atop of it, and +there was the Mite stood upon a chair with his rosy cheeks flushing +and his eyes sparkling clusters of diamonds. + +"Now Gran" says he, "oo tit down and don't oo touch ler people"--for +he saw with every one of those diamonds of his that I was going to +give him a squeeze. + +"Very well sir" I says "I am obedient in this good company I am +sure." And I sits down in the easy-chair that was put for me, +shaking my sides. + +But picture my admiration when the Major going on almost as quick as +if he was conjuring sets out all the articles he names, and says +"Three saucepans, an Italian iron, a hand-bell, a toasting-fork, a +nutmeg-grater, four potlids, a spice-box, two egg-cups, and a +chopping-board--how many?" and when that Mite instantly cries +"Tifteen, tut down tive and carry ler 'toppin-board" and then claps +his hands draws up his legs and dances on his chair. + +My dear with the same astonishing ease and correctness him and the +Major added up the tables chairs and sofy, the picters fenders and +fire-irons their own selves me and the cat and the eyes in Miss +Wozenham's head, and whenever the sum was done Young Roses and +Diamonds claps his hands and draws up his legs and dances on his +chair. + +The pride of the Major! ("HERE'S a mind Ma'am!" he says to me +behind his hand.) + +Then he says aloud, "We now come to the next elementary rule,--which +is called--" + +"Umtraction!" cries Jemmy. + +"Right," says the Major. "We have here a toasting-fork, a potato in +its natural state, two potlids, one egg-cup, a wooden spoon, and two +skewers, from which it is necessary for commercial purposes to +subtract a sprat-gridiron, a small pickle-jar, two lemons, one +pepper-castor, a blackbeetle-trap, and a knob of the dresser-drawer- +-what remains?" + +"Toatin-fork!" cries Jemmy. + +"In numbers how many?" says the Major. + +"One!" cries Jemmy. + +("HERE'S a boy, Ma'am!" says the Major to me behind his hand.) Then +the Major goes on: + +"We now approach the next elementary rule,--which is entitled--" + +"Tickleication" cries Jemmy. + +"Correct" says the Major. + +But my dear to relate to you in detail the way in which they +multiplied fourteen sticks of firewood by two bits of ginger and a +larding needle, or divided pretty well everything else there was on +the table by the heater of the Italian iron and a chamber +candlestick, and got a lemon over, would make my head spin round and +round and round as it did at the time. So I says "if you'll excuse +my addressing the chair Professor Jackman I think the period of the +lecture has now arrived when it becomes necessary that I should take +a good hug of this young scholar." Upon which Jemmy calls out from +his station on the chair, "Gran oo open oor arms and me'll make a +'pring into 'em." So I opened my arms to him as I had opened my +sorrowful heart when his poor young mother lay a dying, and he had +his jump and we had a good long hug together and the Major prouder +than any peacock says to me behind his hand, "You need not let him +know it Madam" (which I certainly need not for the Major was quite +audible) "but he IS a boy!" + +In this way Jemmy grew and grew and went to day-school and continued +under the Major too, and in summer we were as happy as the days were +long, and in winter we were as happy as the days were short and +there seemed to rest a Blessing on the Lodgings for they as good as +Let themselves and would have done it if there had been twice the +accommodation, when sore and hard against my will I one day says to +the Major. + +"Major you know what I am going to break to you. Our boy must go to +boarding-school." + +It was a sad sight to see the Major's countenance drop, and I pitied +the good soul with all my heart. + +"Yes Major" I says, "though he is as popular with the Lodgers as you +are yourself and though he is to you and me what only you and me +know, still it is in the course of things and Life is made of +partings and we must part with our Pet." + +Bold as I spoke, I saw two Majors and half-a-dozen fireplaces, and +when the poor Major put one of his neat bright-varnished boots upon +the fender and his elbow on his knee and his head upon his hand and +rocked himself a little to and fro, I was dreadfully cut up. + +"But" says I clearing my throat "you have so well prepared him +Major--he has had such a Tutor in you--that he will have none of the +first drudgery to go through. And he is so clever besides that +he'll soon make his way to the front rank." + +"He is a boy" says the Major--having sniffed--"that has not his like +on the face of the earth." + +"True as you say Major, and it is not for us merely for our own +sakes to do anything to keep him back from being a credit and an +ornament wherever he goes and perhaps even rising to be a great man, +is it Major? He will have all my little savings when my work is +done (being all the world to me) and we must try to make him a wise +man and a good man, mustn't we Major?" + +"Madam" says the Major rising "Jemmy Jackman is becoming an older +file than I was aware of, and you put him to shame. You are +thoroughly right Madam. You are simply and undeniably right.--And +if you'll excuse me, I'll take a walk." + +So the Major being gone out and Jemmy being at home, I got the child +into my little room here and I stood him by my chair and I took his +mother's own curls in my hand and I spoke to him loving and serious. +And when I had reminded the darling how that he was now in his tenth +year and when I had said to him about his getting on in life pretty +much what I had said to the Major I broke to him how that we must +have this same parting, and there I was forced to stop for there I +saw of a sudden the well-remembered lip with its tremble, and it so +brought back that time! But with the spirit that was in him he +controlled it soon and he says gravely nodding through his tears, "I +understand Gran--I know it MUST be, Gran--go on Gran, don't be +afraid of ME." And when I had said all that ever I could think of, +he turned his bright steady face to mine and he says just a little +broken here and there "You shall see Gran that I can be a man and +that I can do anything that is grateful and loving to you--and if I +don't grow up to be what you would like to have me--I hope it will +be--because I shall die." And with that he sat down by me and I +went on to tell him of the school of which I had excellent +recommendations and where it was and how many scholars and what +games they played as I had heard and what length of holidays, to all +of which he listened bright and clear. And so it came that at last +he says "And now dear Gran let me kneel down here where I have been +used to say my prayers and let me fold my face for just a minute in +your gown and let me cry, for you have been more than father--more +than mother--more than brothers sisters friends--to me!" And so he +did cry and I too and we were both much the better for it. + +From that time forth he was true to his word and ever blithe and +ready, and even when me and the Major took him down into +Lincolnshire he was far the gayest of the party though for sure and +certain he might easily have been that, but he really was and put +life into us only when it came to the last Good-bye, he says with a +wistful look, "You wouldn't have me not really sorry would you +Gran?" and when I says "No dear, Lord forbid!" he says "I am glad of +that!" and ran in out of sight. + +But now that the child was gone out of the Lodgings the Major fell +into a regularly moping state. It was taken notice of by all the +Lodgers that the Major moped. He hadn't even the same air of being +rather tall than he used to have, and if he varnished his boots with +a single gleam of interest it was as much as he did. + +One evening the Major came into my little room to take a cup of tea +and a morsel of buttered toast and to read Jemmy's newest letter +which had arrived that afternoon (by the very same postman more than +middle-aged upon the Beat now), and the letter raising him up a +little I says to the Major: + +"Major you mustn't get into a moping way." + +The Major shook his head. "Jemmy Jackman Madam," he says with a +deep sigh, "is an older file than I thought him." + +"Moping is not the way to grow younger Major." + +"My dear Madam," says the Major, "is there ANY way of growing +younger?" + +Feeling that the Major was getting rather the best of that point I +made a diversion to another. + +"Thirteen years! Thir-teen years! Many Lodgers have come and gone, +in the thirteen years that you have lived in the parlours Major." + +"Hah!" says the Major warming. "Many Madam, many." + +"And I should say you have been familiar with them all?" + +"As a rule (with its exceptions like all rules) my dear Madam" says +the Major, "they have honoured me with their acquaintance, and not +unfrequently with their confidence." + +Watching the Major as he drooped his white head and stroked his +black mustachios and moped again, a thought which I think must have +been going about looking for an owner somewhere dropped into my old +noddle if you will excuse the expression. + +"The walls of my Lodgings" I says in a casual way--for my dear it is +of no use going straight at a man who mopes--"might have something +to tell if they could tell it." + +The Major neither moved nor said anything but I saw he was attending +with his shoulders my dear--attending with his shoulders to what I +said. In fact I saw that his shoulders were struck by it. + +"The dear boy was always fond of story-books" I went on, like as if +I was talking to myself. "I am sure this house--his own home--might +write a story or two for his reading one day or another." + +The Major's shoulders gave a dip and a curve and his head came up in +his shirt-collar. The Major's head came up in his shirt-collar as I +hadn't seen it come up since Jemmy went to school. + +"It is unquestionable that in intervals of cribbage and a friendly +rubber, my dear Madam," says the Major, "and also over what used to +be called in my young times--in the salad days of Jemmy Jackman--the +social glass, I have exchanged many a reminiscence with your +Lodgers." + +My remark was--I confess I made it with the deepest and artfullest +of intentions--"I wish our dear boy had heard them!" + +"Are you serious Madam?" asked the Major starting and turning full +round. + +"Why not Major?" + +"Madam" says the Major, turning up one of his cuffs, "they shall be +written for him." + +"Ah! Now you speak" I says giving my hands a pleased clap. "Now +you are in a way out of moping Major!" + +"Between this and my holidays--I mean the dear boy's" says the Major +turning up his other cuff, "a good deal may be done towards it." + +"Major you are a clever man and you have seen much and not a doubt +of it." + +"I'll begin," says the Major looking as tall as ever he did, "to- +morrow." + +My dear the Major was another man in three days and he was himself +again in a week and he wrote and wrote and wrote with his pen +scratching like rats behind the wainscot, and whether he had many +grounds to go upon or whether he did at all romance I cannot tell +you, but what he has written is in the left-hand glass closet of the +little bookcase close behind you. + + + +CHAPTER II--HOW THE PARLOURS ADDED A FEW WORDS + + + +I have the honour of presenting myself by the name of Jackman. I +esteem it a proud privilege to go down to posterity through the +instrumentality of the most remarkable boy that ever lived,--by the +name of JEMMY JACKMAN LIRRIPER,--and of my most worthy and most +highly respected friend, Mrs. Emma Lirriper, of Eighty-one, Norfolk +Street, Strand, in the County of Middlesex, in the United Kingdom of +Great Britain and Ireland. + +It is not for me to express the rapture with which we received that +dear and eminently remarkable boy, on the occurrence of his first +Christmas holidays. Suffice it to observe that when he came flying +into the house with two splendid prizes (Arithmetic, and Exemplary +Conduct), Mrs. Lirriper and myself embraced with emotion, and +instantly took him to the Play, where we were all three admirably +entertained. + +Nor is it to render homage to the virtues of the best of her good +and honoured sex--whom, in deference to her unassuming worth, I will +only here designate by the initials E. L.--that I add this record to +the bundle of papers with which our, in a most distinguished degree, +remarkable boy has expressed himself delighted, before re-consigning +the same to the left-hand glass closet of Mrs. Lirriper's little +bookcase. + +Neither is it to obtrude the name of the old original superannuated +obscure Jemmy Jackman, once (to his degradation) of Wozenham's, long +(to his elevation) of Lirriper's. If I could be consciously guilty +of that piece of bad taste, it would indeed be a work of +supererogation, now that the name is borne by JEMMY JACKMAN +LIRRIPER. + +No, I take up my humble pen to register a little record of our +strikingly remarkable boy, which my poor capacity regards as +presenting a pleasant little picture of the dear boy's mind. The +picture may be interesting to himself when he is a man. + +Our first reunited Christmas-day was the most delightful one we have +ever passed together. Jemmy was never silent for five minutes, +except in church-time. He talked as we sat by the fire, he talked +when we were out walking, he talked as we sat by the fire again, he +talked incessantly at dinner, though he made a dinner almost as +remarkable as himself. It was the spring of happiness in his fresh +young heart flowing and flowing, and it fertilised (if I may be +allowed so bold a figure) my much-esteemed friend, and J. J. the +present writer. + +There were only we three. We dined in my esteemed friend's little +room, and our entertainment was perfect. But everything in the +establishment is, in neatness, order, and comfort, always perfect. +After dinner our boy slipped away to his old stool at my esteemed +friend's knee, and there, with his hot chestnuts and his glass of +brown sherry (really, a most excellent wine!) on a chair for a +table, his face outshone the apples in the dish. + +We talked of these jottings of mine, which Jemmy had read through +and through by that time; and so it came about that my esteemed +friend remarked, as she sat smoothing Jemmy's curls: + +"And as you belong to the house too, Jemmy,--and so much more than +the Lodgers, having been born in it,--why, your story ought to be +added to the rest, I think, one of these days." + +Jemmy's eyes sparkled at this, and he said, "So I think, Gran." + +Then he sat looking at the fire, and then he began to laugh in a +sort of confidence with the fire, and then he said, folding his arms +across my esteemed friend's lap, and raising his bright face to +hers. "Would you like to hear a boy's story, Gran?" + +"Of all things," replied my esteemed friend. + +"Would you, godfather?" + +"Of all things," I too replied. + +"Well, then," said Jemmy, "I'll tell you one." + +Here our indisputably remarkable boy gave himself a hug, and laughed +again, musically, at the idea of his coming out in that new line. +Then he once more took the fire into the same sort of confidence as +before, and began: + +"Once upon a time, When pigs drank wine, And monkeys chewed +tobaccer, 'Twas neither in your time nor mine, But that's no macker- +-" + +"Bless the child!" cried my esteemed friend, "what's amiss with his +brain?" + +"It's poetry, Gran," returned Jemmy, shouting with laughter. "We +always begin stories that way at school." + +"Gave me quite a turn, Major," said my esteemed friend, fanning +herself with a plate. "Thought he was light-headed!" + +"In those remarkable times, Gran and godfather, there was once a +boy,--not me, you know." + +"No, no," says my respected friend, "not you. Not him, Major, you +understand?" + +"No, no," says I. + +"And he went to school in Rutlandshire--" + +"Why not Lincolnshire?" says my respected friend. + +"Why not, you dear old Gran? Because I go to school in +Lincolnshire, don't I?" + +"Ah, to be sure!" says my respected friend. "And it's not Jemmy, +you understand, Major?" + +"No, no," says I. + +"Well!" our boy proceeded, hugging himself comfortably, and laughing +merrily (again in confidence with the fire), before he again looked +up in Mrs. Lirriper's face, "and so he was tremendously in love with +his schoolmaster's daughter, and she was the most beautiful creature +that ever was seen, and she had brown eyes, and she had brown hair +all curling beautifully, and she had a delicious voice, and she was +delicious altogether, and her name was Seraphina." + +"What's the name of YOUR schoolmaster's daughter, Jemmy?" asks my +respected friend. + +"Polly!" replied Jemmy, pointing his forefinger at her. "There now! +Caught you! Ha, ha, ha!" + +When he and my respected friend had had a laugh and a hug together, +our admittedly remarkable boy resumed with a great relish: + +"Well! And so he loved her. And so he thought about her, and +dreamed about her, and made her presents of oranges and nuts, and +would have made her presents of pearls and diamonds if he could have +afforded it out of his pocket-money, but he couldn't. And so her +father--O, he WAS a Tartar! Keeping the boys up to the mark, +holding examinations once a month, lecturing upon all sorts of +subjects at all sorts of times, and knowing everything in the world +out of book. And so this boy--" + +"Had he any name?" asks my respected friend. + +"No, he hadn't, Gran. Ha, ha! There now! Caught you again!" + +After this, they had another laugh and another hug, and then our boy +went on. + +"Well! And so this boy, he had a friend about as old as himself at +the same school, and his name (for He HAD a name, as it happened) +was--let me remember--was Bobbo." + +"Not Bob," says my respected friend. + +"Of course not," says Jemmy. "What made you think it was, Gran? +Well! And so this friend was the cleverest and bravest and best- +looking and most generous of all the friends that ever were, and so +he was in love with Seraphina's sister, and so Seraphina's sister +was in love with him, and so they all grew up." + +"Bless us!" says my respected friend. "They were very sudden about +it." + +"So they all grew up," our boy repeated, laughing heartily, "and +Bobbo and this boy went away together on horseback to seek their +fortunes, and they partly got their horses by favour, and partly in +a bargain; that is to say, they had saved up between them seven and +fourpence, and the two horses, being Arabs, were worth more, only +the man said he would take that, to favour them. Well! And so they +made their fortunes and came prancing back to the school, with their +pockets full of gold, enough to last for ever. And so they rang at +the parents' and visitors' bell (not the back gate), and when the +bell was answered they proclaimed 'The same as if it was scarlet +fever! Every boy goes home for an indefinite period!' And then +there was great hurrahing, and then they kissed Seraphina and her +sister,--each his own love, and not the other's on any account,--and +then they ordered the Tartar into instant confinement." + +"Poor man!" said my respected friend. + +"Into instant confinement, Gran," repeated Jemmy, trying to look +severe and roaring with laughter; "and he was to have nothing to eat +but the boys' dinners, and was to drink half a cask of their beer +every day. And so then the preparations were made for the two +weddings, and there were hampers, and potted things, and sweet +things, and nuts, and postage-stamps, and all manner of things. And +so they were so jolly, that they let the Tartar out, and he was +jolly too." + +"I am glad they let him out," says my respected friend, "because he +had only done his duty." + +"O, but hadn't he overdone it, though!" cried Jemmy. "Well! And so +then this boy mounted his horse, with his bride in his arms, and +cantered away, and cantered on and on till he came to a certain +place where he had a certain Gran and a certain godfather,--not you +two, you know." + +"No, no," we both said. + +"And there he was received with great rejoicings, and he filled the +cupboard and the bookcase with gold, and he showered it out on his +Gran and his godfather because they were the two kindest and dearest +people that ever lived in this world. And so while they were +sitting up to their knees in gold, a knocking was heard at the +street door, and who should it be but Bobbo, also on horseback with +his bride in his arms, and what had he come to say but that he would +take (at double rent) all the Lodgings for ever, that were not +wanted by this a boy and this Gran and this godfather, and that they +would all live together, and all be happy! And so they were, and so +it never ended!" + +"And was there no quarrelling?" asked my respected friend, as Jemmy +sat upon her lap and hugged her. + +"No! Nobody ever quarrelled." + +"And did the money never melt away?" + +"No! Nobody could ever spend it all." + +"And did none of them ever grow older?" + +"No! Nobody ever grew older after that." + +"And did none of them ever die?" + +"O, no, no, no, Gran!" exclaimed our dear boy, laying his cheek upon +her breast, and drawing her closer to him. "Nobody ever died." + +"Ah, Major, Major!" says my respected friend, smiling benignly upon +me, "this beats our stories. Let us end with the Boy's story, +Major, for the Boy's story is the best that is ever told!" + +In submission to which request on the part of the best of women, I +have here noted it down as faithfully as my best abilities, coupled +with my best intentions, would admit, subscribing it with my name, + +J. JACKMAN. +THE PARLOURS. +MRS. LIRRIPER'S LODGINGS. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings, by Dickens + diff --git a/old/mlldg10.zip b/old/mlldg10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d19812 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mlldg10.zip |