diff options
Diffstat (limited to '14146-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/14146-h.htm | 2716 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/133.png | bin | 0 -> 51696 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/135.png | bin | 0 -> 242071 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/136.png | bin | 0 -> 139952 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/137.png | bin | 0 -> 96566 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/138.png | bin | 0 -> 137089 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/139.png | bin | 0 -> 134984 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/141.png | bin | 0 -> 137907 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/142.png | bin | 0 -> 122112 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/143.png | bin | 0 -> 234623 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/145-1.png | bin | 0 -> 24945 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/145-2.png | bin | 0 -> 60313 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/146.png | bin | 0 -> 30233 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/147.png | bin | 0 -> 133583 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/148.png | bin | 0 -> 59405 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/149.png | bin | 0 -> 145590 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/151.png | bin | 0 -> 157360 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14146-h/images/152.png | bin | 0 -> 40915 bytes |
18 files changed, 2716 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/14146-h/14146-h.htm b/14146-h/14146-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..38e1f8d --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/14146-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2716 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 19, 1919.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14146 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 156.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 19, 1919.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" + id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The report that demobilisation will be completed by March + 31st is now officially denied. There would appear to be + something in the rumour that the Demobilisation Staff have + expressed the hope of dying in harness.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to + manufacture ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was + the weather that gave them this happy thought.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies + shall not place him on trial that he now threatens to commit + suicide or die in the attempt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK + BENCHER" in <i>The Daily Mail</i>. The rumour that Sir + FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already demanded an apology is + unconfirmed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging + the introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method + of addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to + be most efficacious.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the North of England man who has decided + not to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work + just at present.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told, + one-hundred-and-thirteen years of age. He must try again. We + expect better things than this from America.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters. + The impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do + with it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers + decided, on being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian + suit instead of the usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in + charge of the case lies in a critical condition.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of + sugar washed ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question, + "How do grocers spend their week-ends?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in + Liverpool. In view of the magnitude of our debt to the United + States it is felt that this method of collecting it in + instalments is bound to prove unsatisfactory.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay + the average writer best at the moment." It is not known whether + Labour or the Peace Conference has done most to send up the + price of these luxuries.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the + rumour that restaurant <i>habitués</i> are preparing to strike + in favour of a fifty per cent. reduction in tips.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some + High Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled + to do it themselves.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper + perished after swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said + that the deceased died worth sixty-five pounds.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed + recently in London is that several of our better-class burglars + object to breaking into people's houses like thieves in the + night.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the + landlady wrote asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If + he is not claimed in three days he will be sold to defray + expenses.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a + contemporary, can afford to face the keen winds without taking + precaution. If you have any doubts about your skin the best + thing is to leave it at home on the hat-rack.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee + was struck in the mouth and severely injured by one of the + backs, after ordering three other players off the field for + fighting. This, we understand, was one of the first fixtures to + be brought off under the auspices of the Brighter Football + League.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the + rush for trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to + avoid it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters + by hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on + the old East End system of developing black eyes by + back-answering.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only + took whisky when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to + resist sitting by an open window this weather.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 + years ago, has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We + understand that the local police have been instructed to take + action.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell + out of a moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had + quite a lot to say to the guard when she overtook the train, is + now understood to have been told she could keep on walking if + she liked. However, as her people were not expecting her until + the train arrived, she again entered the carriage from which + she had fallen.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets + and to travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that + the privilege of dying a natural death may be extended to + them.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/133.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/133.png" + alt="House-agent's Clerk." /></a><i>House-agent's + Clerk</i> (<i>to gentleman hunting for a flat</i>). + "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM + ITINERANTS." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" + id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> + + <h2>THE CAM OFFENSIVE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once more on Barnwell's fetid ooze,</p> + + <p class="i2">Neglected these long years of + slaughter,</p> + + <p>In stolid tubs the Lenten crews</p> + + <p class="i2">Go forth to flog the same old water.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fresh from the Somme's resilient phase,</p> + + <p class="i2">From Flanders slime and bomb-proof + burrows,</p> + + <p>Much as we did in ancient days</p> + + <p class="i2">They smite the Cam's repellent + furrows.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Their coaches sit the old, old gees,</p> + + <p class="i2">But with a manner something larger,</p> + + <p>As warriors who between their knees</p> + + <p class="i2">Have learned to steer the bounding + charger.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unchanged their language, rude and firm,</p> + + <p class="i2">Save where a khaki note is sounded,</p> + + <p>And here and there a towpath term</p> + + <p class="i2">With military tags confounded.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Get forward! Are you ready? Quick—</p> + + <p class="i2">March!" "Get a move on! Keep it + breezy!"</p> + + <p>"Two, mind the step!" "Swing out and kick!"</p> + + <p class="i2">"Halt! Sit at—ease! + Ground—oars! Sit easy!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The dressing's bad all down the line."</p> + + <p class="i2">"Eyes on your front rank's shoulders, + Seven!</p> + + <p>Don't watch the Cam—it's not the + Rhine—</p> + + <p class="i2">Or gaze for Gothas up in heaven!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I want to hear your rowlocks ring</p> + + <p class="i2">Like a good volley, all together."</p> + + <p>"Hands up (or 'Kamerad') as you swing</p> + + <p class="i2">Straight from the hips. Don't sky your + feather,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As if I'd given the word, 'High Port'!"</p> + + <p class="i2">"Five, I admit your martial charms, + Sir,</p> + + <p>But now you're on a rowing-thwart,</p> + + <p class="i2">So use your legs and not your arms, + Sir!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Six, you've a rotten seat, my son;</p> + + <p class="i2">Don't trust your stirrups; grip the + saddle!"</p> + + <p>"Squad—properly at ease! + Squad—'shun!</p> + + <p class="i2">Get forward! By the + centre—paddle!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CAST.</h2> + + <p>The auctioneer glanced at his book. "Number 29," he said, + "black mare, aged, blind in near eye, otherwise sound."</p> + + <p>The cold rain and the biting north-east wind did not add to + the appearance of Number 29, as she stood, dejected, listless, + with head drooping, in the centre of the farmers and + horse-dealers who were attending the sale of cast Army horses. + She looked as though she realised that her day had waned, and + that the bright steel work, the soft well-greased leather, the + snowy head-rope and the shining curb were to be put aside for + less noble trappings.</p> + + <p>She had a curiously shaped white blaze, and I think it was + that, added to the description of her blindness, which stirred + my memory within me. I closed my eyes for a second and it all + came back to me, the gun stuck in the mud, the men straining at + the wheels, the shells bursting, the reek of high explosive, + the two leaders lying dead on the road, and, above all, two + gallant horses doing the work of four and pulling till you'd + think their hearts would burst.</p> + + <p>I stepped forward and, looking closer at the mare's neck, + found what I had expected, a great scar. That settled it. I + approached the auctioneer and asked permission to speak to the + crowd for a few moments.</p> + + <p>"Well," said he, "I'm supposed to do the talking here, you + know."</p> + + <p>"It won't do you any harm," I pleaded, "and it will give me + a chance to pay off a big debt."</p> + + <p>"Right," he said, smiling; "carry on."</p> + + <p>"Gentlemen," I said, "about this time a year ago I was + commanding a battery in France. It was during the bad days, and + we were falling back with the Hun pressing hard upon us. My + guns had been firing all the morning from a sunken road, when + we got orders to limber up and get back to a rear position. We + hadn't had a bad time till then, a few odd shells, but nothing + that was meant especially for our benefit. And then, just as we + were getting away, they spotted us, and a battery opened on us + good and strong. By a mixture of good luck and great effort + we'd got all the guns away but one, when a shell landed just in + front of the leaders and knocked them both out with their + driver; at the same time the gun was jerked off the road into a + muddy ditch. Almost simultaneously another shell killed one of + the wheelers, and there we were with one horse left to get the + gun out of the ditch and along a road that was almost as bad as + the ditch itself.</p> + + <p>"It looked hopeless, and it was on the tip of my tongue to + give orders to abandon the gun, when suddenly out of the blue + there appeared on the bank above us a horse, looking + unconcernedly down at us.</p> + + <p>"In those days loose horses were straying all over the + country, and I took this to be one from another battery which + had come to us for company.</p> + + <p>"I turned to one of the men. 'Catch that mare quick.'</p> + + <p>"In a few minutes we had the harness off the dead wheeler + and on the new-comer. Pull? Gentlemen, if you could have seen + those two horses pull!</p> + + <p>"We'd just got a move on the gun when another shell came and + seemed to burst right on top of the strange mare. I heard a + terrified squeal, and through the smoke I saw her stagger and + with a mighty effort recover herself. I ran round and saw she'd + been badly hit over the eye and had a great tearing gash in the + neck. We never thought she could go on, but she pulled away + just the same, with the blood pouring off her, till finally we + got the gun out and down the road to safety.</p> + + <p>"I got knocked out a few minutes later, and from that day to + this I've often wondered what had happened to the mare that had + served us so gallantly. I know now. There she stands before + you. I'd know her out of a thousand by the white blaze; and if + there was a doubt there's her blind eye and the scar on her + neck.</p> + + <p>"That's all, gentlemen; but I'm going to ask the man who + buys her to remember her story and to see that her last days + are not too hard."</p> + + <p>She fell at a good price to a splendid type of West Country + farmer, and the auctioneer whispered to me, "I'm glad old + Carey's got her. There's not a man in the county keeps his + horses better."</p> + + <p>"Old Carey" came up to me as we were moving off. "I had a + son in France," he said, "in the gunners, too, but he hadn't + the luck of the old mare"—he hesitated a moment and his + old eyes looked steadily into mine—"for he'll never come + back. The mare'll be all right, Sir," he went on as he walked + off, "easy work and full rations. I reckon she's earned + them."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride was given away by her grandfather who was + dressed in Liberty satin in empire style, with hanging + sleeves of chiffon."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>He must have looked a sweet old dear.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" + id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/135.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/135.png" + alt="THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS." /></a> + + <h3>THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS.</h3><i>The + Bird</i>. "HAVE YOU REALISED, MY GOOD SIR, THAT IF YOU + PROCEED TO EXTREMES WITH THAT WEAPON MY AURIFEROUS + ACTIVITIES MUST INEVITABLY CEASE?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" + id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/136.png" + alt="ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE." /></a> + + <h3>ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE.</h3>"TAKE YER UP TO THE CITY + FOR 'ALF-A-QUID, GUV'NOR." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ACUTE ANGLER.</h2> + + <p>The Colonel of our Reserve Battalion has an almost unique + reputation as an angler. Scattered elements of the regiment + carry his piscatorial heroics to obscure corners of the earth. + Majors on the Pushti Kuli range recount the episode of the + ingenuous troutling which, having apparently conceived a + violent passion for the Colonel, literally forced itself upon + the hook seven times within a short afternoon. Captains on the + Sultanitza Planina rehearse the epic incidents of how the + Colonel snatched victory from defeat after pursuing for three + miles an infuriated pike which had wrenched the very rod from + his grasp. Subalterns in the chill wilds of Cologne, adding + picturesque details to an already artistic story, relate how he + hooked a mighty veteran carp near Windsor, and played it for + nine full hours (with a rest of ten minutes after the first, + and five after each successive hour); how, under a full moon, + he eventually grounded it on the Blackfriars' mud and beached + it with a last effort; how they lay panting side by side for a + space, and how, finally, with the courtesy due to an honourable + foe from a gallant victor, he forced neat brandy down its + throat and returned it to its domain in a slightly inebriated + but wholly grateful condition.</p> + + <p>Consequently the Colonel's announcement that in view of the + armistice he intended to spend three days in fishing the waters + of a friend's estate was received by the Mess with lively + satisfaction. An overwhelming fish diet was deprecated, but it + was generally held that the honour of the regiment was in some + way involved, and the Major felt it his duty to escort his + senior officer on an expedition of such gravity.</p> + + <p>It transpired that the first day was unfortunate. The + Colonel was silently impolite throughout Mess and retired + immediately afterwards. The Major explained that the conditions + had been adverse. The punt leaked at the end depressed by the + Colonel and the ground-bait had been left behind. The wind was + fierce and cutting, and the brandlings had been upset into the + luncheon-basket. In addition the Colonel's reel had escaped + into the river and had declined to give itself up until the + whole length of line had been hauled in; and, in leaning over + the side to reclaim it, his gold fountain-pen had vanished. + Five hooks had failed to return from the deep and two were left + suspended from inaccessible branches; Also in the Major's + opinion there was not a single fish in the river.</p> + + <p>By breakfast the Colonel had regained his spirits. He + commented on the lack of support given him by the Major, and in + his place invited the Adjutant on the ground that he was + probably less clumsy. He remarked that the offensive had not + yet opened and that the previous day had been mainly devoted to + a thorough reconnaissance of the whole sector. He had reason to + believe that the enemy was present in considerable force.</p> + + <p>The second day proved equally unfortunate. The Colonel took + his dinner in private, and the Mess orderly, who had dismally + cut the two of clubs in the kitchen, returned from his + ministrations a complete nervous wreck. The Adjutant explained + that misfortune had followed misfortune. They had barely + settled down midstream, and he was in the act of extracting a + hook from the Colonel's finger with his jack-knife, when the + punt broke from its moorings and carried them half-a-mile + downstream. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" + id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> It was uncanny how the + craft had contrived to navigate four bends without giving an + opportunity of landing. In the afternoon they had fished + from the bank, and the Colonel had fallen asleep while the + Adjutant mounted guard. The Adjutant protested that it was + not his fault that the float suddenly disappeared, or that + the Colonel, on being vigorously awakened by him, struck so + violently at what proved to be a dead branch that he lost + his footing and tobogganned heavily into the river, and was + compelled to waste three hours in the neighbouring hostelry + taking precautions against a chill.</p> + + <p>At breakfast next morning the Colonel intimated that on this + his last day he would go unaccompanied. With one eye on the + Major and the other on the Adjutant, he passed a few remarks on + the <i>finesse</i> of fishing. The element of surprise should + be the basis of attack. Precision and absolute secrecy in the + carrying out of preliminary operations was vital. Every trick + and every device of camouflage should be brought into play. + There should be no violent preliminary bombardment of + ground-bait to alarm the hostile forces, but the sector should + be unostentatiously registered on the preceding night. The + enemy's first realisation of attack should be at that moment + when resistance was futile—though for his part he + preferred a foe that would fight to the fish-basket, as it + were. He thought the weather was vastly improved and admitted + that his hopes were high.</p> + + <p>In the evening the Colonel positively swaggered into Mess. + He radiated good fellowship and even bandied witticisms with + the junior subaltern in an admirable spirit of give-and-take. + He had enjoyed excellent sport. Later, in the ante-room, he + delivered a useful little homily on the surmounting of + obstacles, on patience, on presence of mind and on nerve, + copiously illustrated from a day's triumph that will resound on + the Murman coast as the unconditional surrender of the + intimidated roach. He described how he had cunningly + outmanoeuvred the patrols, defeated the vigilance of the + pickets, pierced the line of resistance, launched a surprise + attack on the main body, and spread panic in the hearts of the + hostile legions.</p> + + <p>Unhappily for us, common decency, he said, had forced him to + present his catch to his friend.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, to kill time whilst waiting demobilisation, an + old gun, rifle, or pistol."—<i>Morning Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Now we know why Time flies.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/137.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/137.png" + alt="Barber." /></a><i>Barber</i> (<i>carried away by + his reminiscences</i>). "AND WHEN HE'D LOOPED THE LOOP + HE DID A NOSE-DIVE THAT FAIRLY TOOK YOUR BREATH AWAY." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE TWOPENNY BIN.</h2> + + <p>It was called <i>Greatheart</i>; or, <i>Samuel's Sentimental + Side</i>; and I think you will agree that it was a lot of title + for twopence. Day after day, as I fumbled among the old books + in the Twopenny Bin of the little secondhand bookseller's shop, + that volume would wriggle itself forward and worm its way into + my hands; and I would clench my teeth and thrust it to the + remotest depths of the box.</p> + + <p>Then it haunted me. All day in my room I could hear + <i>Greatheart</i>; or, <i>Samuel's Sentimental Side</i> calling + out to me, "How would you like to be in the Twopenny Bin?"</p> + + <p>I began to grow sentimental myself, and to handle those + unconsidered trifles with tenderness. For you never know; I + might be in the Twopenny Bin myself someday; might be picked + up, just glanced at and shifted back into the corner out of + sight.</p> + + <p>Yesterday <i>Greatheart</i> again found himself in my hands, + and I looked to see the date of his entry upon the world. I + reflected on his sixty years of life, on the many happy + fireside hours that had been spent in his company, on the + gentle solace he had furnished to lesser hearts.</p> + + <p>I had decided what to do. There were few people about; the + bookseller was not looking, and, if offence it was, well, I + could fall back on the mercy of those who would judge.</p> + + <p>I leaned forward and tenderly deposited him in the Fourpenny + Bin.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" + id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/138.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/138.png" + alt="The Visitor and Perseus." /></a> + + <p><i>The Visitor</i>. "BY JOVE, PERSEUS, I NEVER KNEW YOU + WENT IN FOR SCULPTURE. GOOD STUFF, TOO, BUT A TRIFLE + REALISTIC."</p> + + <p><i>Perseus</i>. "OH, JUST A HOBBY. BUT, BETWEEN + OURSELVES, IT'S THE MEDUSA'S HEAD THAT DOES IT. TURNS + PEOPLE INTO STONE, AND THERE YOU ARE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO A DEAR DEPARTED.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Georgina," the largest of the giant tortoises at the + Zoo, has died. She was believed to be about two hundred and + fifty years old.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Winds blow cold and the rain, Georgina,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beats and gurgles on roof and pane;</p> + + <p>Over the Gardens that once were green a</p> + + <p class="i2">Shadow stoops and is gone again;</p> + + <p class="i4">Only a sob in the wild swine's + squeal,</p> + + <p class="i4">Only the bark of the plunging seal,</p> + + <p>Only the laugh of the striped hyæna</p> + + <p class="i2">Muffled with poignant pain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long ago, in the mad glad May days,</p> + + <p class="i2">Woo'd I one who was with us still;</p> + + <p>Bade him wake to the world's blithe heydays,</p> + + <p class="i2">Leap in joyance and eat his fill;</p> + + <p class="i4">Sang I, sweet as the bright-billed ousel, + a</p> + + <p class="i4">Pæan of praise for thy pal, + Methuselah.</p> + + <p>Ah! he too in the Winter's grey days</p> + + <p class="i2">Died of the usual chill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He was old when the Reaper beckoned,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ripe for the paying of Nature's debt;</p> + + <p>Forty score—if he'd lived a second—</p> + + <p class="i2">Years had flown, but he lingered yet;</p> + + <p class="i4">But you had gladdened this vale of + tears</p> + + <p class="i4">For a bare two hundred and fifty + years;</p> + + <p>You, Georgina, we always reckoned</p> + + <p class="i2">One of the younger set.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Winter's cold and the influenza</p> + + <p class="i2">Wreaked and ravaged the ranks among;</p> + + <p>Bills that babbled a gay cadenza,</p> + + <p class="i2">Snouts that snuffled and claws that + clung—</p> + + <p class="i4">Now they whistle and root and run</p> + + <p class="i4">In Happy Valleys beyond the sun;</p> + + <p>Never back to the ponds and pens a</p> + + <p class="i2">Sigh of regret is flung.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Flaming parrots and pink flamingoes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Birds of Paradise, frail as fair;</p> + + <p>Monkeys talking a hundred lingoes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ring-tailed lemur and Polar + bear—</p> + + <p class="i4">Somehow our grief was not profound</p> + + <p class="i4">When they passed to the Happy Hunting + Ground;</p> + + <p>Deer and ducks and yellow dog dingoes</p> + + <p class="i2">Croaked, but we did not care.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But you—ah, you were our pride, our + treasure,</p> + + <p class="i2">Care-free child of a kingly race.</p> + + <p>Undemonstrative? Yes, in a measure,</p> + + <p class="i2">But every movement replete with + grace.</p> + + <p class="i4">Whiles we mocked at the monkeys' + tricks</p> + + <p class="i4">Or pored apart on the apteryx;</p> + + <p>These could yield but a passing pleasure;</p> + + <p class="i2">Yours was the primal place.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How our little ones' hearts would flutter</p> + + <p class="i2">When your intelligent eye peeped out,</p> + + <p>Saying as plainly as words could utter,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Hurry up with that Brussels-sprout!"</p> + + <p class="i4">How we chortled with simple joy</p> + + <p class="i4">When you bit that impudent + errand-boy;</p> + + <p>"That'll teach him," we heard you mutter,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Whether I've got the gout."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fairest, rarest in all the Zoo, you</p> + + <p class="i2">Bound us tight in affection's bond;</p> + + <p>Now you're gone from the friends that knew you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wails the whaup in the Waders' Pond;</p> + + <p class="i4">Wails the whaup and the seamews keen + a</p> + + <p class="i4">Song of sorrow; but you, Georgina,</p> + + <p>Frisk for ever where warm winds woo you,</p> + + <p class="i2">There, in the Great Beyond.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">ALGOL.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" + id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/139.png" + alt="TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION." /></a> + + <h3>TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION.</h3><i>Officer</i>. + "WHAT ARE THESE MEN'S TRADES OR CALLINGS, SERGEANT?" + <i>Sergeant</i>. "SLOSHER, SLABBER AND WUZZER, SIR." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A CONTRA APPRECIATION.</h2> + + <p>LORD NORTHCLIFFE has recently contributed a remarkably + outspoken criticism of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE by way of "send-off" to + his latest journal, <i>The New Illustrated</i>. The following + extracts from an article about to appear in <i>The Pacific + Monthly</i>, kindly communicated to us by wireless, seem to + indicate that the PREMIER is indisposed to take it lying + down:—</p> + + <p>"In a letter recently published without my authority I said + that I was unable to control or influence him. This was true at + the time and remains true now. Time and again have efforts been + made to harness his energies to the State, but they have never + succeeded. The responsibilities of office are irksome to his + imperious temperament. There is something almost tragic in a + figure, equipped with the qualities of an hereditary autocrat, + endeavouring to accommodate himself to the needs of a + democracy. The spectacle of this purple Emperor of the Press, + with his ear constantly glued to the ground, is not wanting in + pathos. With him the idols of yesterday are the pet aversions + of to-day. He denounces me as 'a political chameleon, taking on + the colour of those who at the moment happen to be his + associates.' But what are you to say of a man who clamours for + a saviour of the situation and then turns him into a cock-shy; + of a Napoleon who is continually retiring to Elba when things + are not going as he likes; of a politician who claims the + privileges but refuses the duties of a Dictator?</p> + + <p>"It is obvious that he is still labouring under the + hallucination that the War was a duel between him and the + KAISER; that he 'downed' his antagonist single-handed, and that + the prospects of a stable peace have been shattered by my + failure to include him among the British Peace Delegates. So, + all in a moment, the 'Welsh Wizard' is converted into the + miserable creature of the Tory Junkers—a man without + 'high moral courage,' 'wide knowledge' or 'large ideas.'</p> + + <p>"Personally I have no illusions about my consistency, but I + <i>do</i> think that here I displayed some moral courage, also + some unselfish consideration for CLEMENCEAU and WILSON and + others. Just think of the panegyrics that would have been + showered upon my head in the Press which he controls if he had + been invited to the Table!</p> + + <p>"But with all deductions he is a man to be reckoned with, if + not counted upon. He is a man of large type—almost of + "Pica" type. And sometimes he deviates into sound and just + criticism; as for example when he says that I 'depend greatly, + upon others.' It is true. What is more, I know on whom I can + depend; and I have learnt that his support can only be secured + on terms which would reduce the PREMIER to the level of one of + his minor editors."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Shakspeare will be Pleased.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"CZECHO-SLOVAK REPUBLIC.</p> + + <p>PROBLEM OF OUTLET TO SEA.</p> + + <p>Port at Prague or Dantzig."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">—<i>Scottish Paper</i>.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"... Our ship hath touch'd upon</p> + + <p class="i2">The deserts of Bohemia."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>The Winter's Tale, III</i>. 3.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At the Dogger Bank fight, Lion, the flagship of Sir + David Beatty, was crippled. Some people say she was + torpedoed, almost miraculously, by a Hun destroyer from + five miles' range (which version is probably + tripe)."—<i>Scottish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Like so many things that we read in the Press nowadays.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" + id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> + + <h2><i>NOUVELLES DE PARIS.</i></h2> + + <h4>(<i>With acknowledgments to the "Society" Press</i>).</h4> + + <p class="author"><i>Paris, Feb., 1919.</i></p> + + <p>Dearest POPPY,—<i>Que la vie est drôle!</i> Who was it + said that there are two great tragedies in life—not + getting what you want, and getting it? I never understood that + saying until now. For instance, when I left London most people + I knew seemed to have a feverish desire to get to Paris. They + were ready to move heaven, earth and the Ministry of + Information to obtain the desired passport. They would go to + any lengths to prove how necessary their presence is here + during the Peace Conference.</p> + + <p>And now I find my countrymen over here longing with an equal + feverishness to go home again. <i>Ils s'attristent. Ils + s'ennuient.</i> They have <i>nostalgie</i> in its acutest form. + It quite goes to my heart to hear the pathetic questions they + put to newcomers: "How is London looking? What shows are + running now?" And they go on to speak of dear dirty dark + London, its beloved fogs, how adorable is the atrocious climate + of England, in a way that would bring tears to your eyes. Why + <i>don't</i> they go back? you ask, <i>ma chère</i>. It's just + because they want to be "in at the death" and say they were + here when <i>la paix était signée</i>.</p> + + <p>So these poor exiles continue to sacrifice themselves and + drift aimlessly about Paris, making it so full that there's + scarcely room for people like myself—who really + <i>are</i> on important work here—to breathe.</p> + + <p>Imagine! I met Eleanor Dashgood on the Boulevard Haussmann + to-day, descending from her car with her two poms yapping at + her heels, just as if she were <i>chez elle</i>. I really felt + like saying something pointed; but, after all, my only comment + was, "My dear, what a <i>strange</i> lot of people one meets in + Paris nowadays!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, dearest," she said, "that just occurred to me, too." + I'm wondering now what the creature meant. Believe me, my dear, + that woman has illegally wangled a passport out of the + authorities by representing herself as her husband's + typist—he's got a diplomatic passport, you know. I + inquired if the maid she had brought with her had turned into a + typist, too, to say nothing of the poms. The <i>toupet</i> of + some people!</p> + + <p>And, of course, all this unnecessary rabble is helping to + make everything <i>horriblement cher</i>. The price of things + makes one's hair stand on end like the quills of the fretful + porcupine. I can assure you that <i>le moindre petit dîner + coûte les yeux de la tête</i>. Poor Bobbie Lacklands had a + <i>tragic</i> experience yesterday. He said he quite + unthinkingly dropped into that most <i>recherché</i> of eating + places, Fouquet's, for a snack. With only a modest balance at + the bank he ordered a sardine. Then he called for a <i>filet + mignon</i> and half-a-pint of <i>vin rouge</i>—he was + always a reckless spendthrift sort of boy, you know. A cup of + <i>café noir</i> and an apple completed his financial ruin.</p> + + <p>But he still declares that they were most awfully decent to + him about it. They agreed, with scarcely any trouble, to take + all the notes and loose silver he had with him on account. They + accepted his securities and are now allowing him to pay off the + balance gradually.</p> + + <p>Paris is beginning to think of dress once more, or I ought + to say undress, for with the skirts short and the sleeves short + and the bodice low there isn't <i>very</i> much left to write + about. I hope these short tight skirts will reach the ankles + before they reach England, for I notice the people who have the + courage to wear them generally lack the excuse of symmetry.</p> + + <p><i>Figurez-vous!</i> Jenny Bounceley, who considers herself + quite a <i>Parisienne</i> now she's got her official <i>carte + d'alimentation</i>, appeared the other day in a skirt that + resembled the <i>jupe</i> of a <i>gamine</i>. I think it's + disgraceful in one of her age and proportions. If she were + simply knock-kneed; but, as Bertie says, she's knock-ankled as + well.</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Votre bien dévouée</i>,<br /> + ANNE.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"RUMANIA. REDIDIVUS."</h3> + + <p class="author"><i>East African Standard</i>.</p> + + <p>To judge from the rumours of revolution, this false concord + is only too apt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Music was supplied and enjoyed by a local + orchestra."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This phenomenon has frequently been observed; the audience + meanwhile continuing its conversation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Colonel Sir Rhys Williams, who wore his khaki uniform, + moved the Address in reply to the Speech from the + Throne....</p> + + <p>It was not the glamour of war, Mr. Rhys Williams + continued...."—<i>Evening Standard</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is refreshing to come across a case of really rapid + demobilisation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A message from Vienna states that the Emperor Carl + intends to be a candidate in the forthcoming elections for + the Australian National Assembly."—<i>Australian + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But there is no truth in the rumour that, by way of + reprisal, Mr. HUGHES intends to put in for CARL's vacant + throne.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RIME FAIRIES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Last night about the country-side</p> + + <p class="i2">The nimble fairies flew,</p> + + <p>And forests on the latticed pane</p> + + <p class="i2">In quaint devices drew,</p> + + <p>The grasses standing straight and tall,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ferns with curious frond,</p> + + <p>And just a peephole left to show</p> + + <p class="i2">The misty world beyond.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The voices of the murmuring streams</p> + + <p class="i2">They silenced one by one,</p> + + <p>And bound their feet with gleaming chains</p> + + <p class="i2">So they no more could run;</p> + + <p>They hung the icicles about,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you would laugh to see</p> + + <p>Just how they flung the diamonds down</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the whole bare tree;</p> + + <p>And every little blade of grass</p> + + <p class="i2">A thing of beauty stood,</p> + + <p>And when they'd finished it was just</p> + + <p class="i2">Like an enchanted wood.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They paused beside the old barn door;</p> + + <p class="i2">A spider's web hung there</p> + + <p>As fragile as a little dream,</p> + + <p class="i2">As delicate and fair;</p> + + <p>They decked it with a thousand gems</p> + + <p class="i2">Of oh! such dazzling sheen,</p> + + <p>It was the very loveliest thing</p> + + <p class="i2">That you have ever seen!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sun from his soft bed of cloud</p> + + <p class="i2">Came pale and timidly;</p> + + <p>He knew if he let loose his rays</p> + + <p class="i2">The mischief there would be;</p> + + <p>He woke the sleeping world to life</p> + + <p class="i2">With finger-tips of gold,</p> + + <p>And up from meadow, wood and stream</p> + + <p class="i2">The shimmering mists unrolled;</p> + + <p>He lit the candles of the dawn</p> + + <p class="i2">On every bush and tree;</p> + + <p>The fairies on their homing wings</p> + + <p class="i2">Looked back and laughed with glee,</p> + + <p>"We've made a Fairyland for you,</p> + + <p class="i2">O Mortals, wake and see."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is also extremely likely that the Democrats have + induced a considerable number of former Centre voters in + South Germany to join them."—<i>Christian + World</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Democrats" would seem to be the German equivalent of "Home + Rulers."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Extract from a recent novel:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"She wore under it a white blouse of thin stuff, snowy + white ... the big floppy sleeves gently bellowed in the + slight breeze."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It sounds rather a loud dress. Possibly <i>le dernier + cri</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is like a red rag to a bull to the 'bus drivers to + see those lorries running about picking up members of the + public.</p> + + <p>We are trying to keep our heads, but our shoulders are + bending under the pressure, and presently, I am afraid, we + shall collapse and find ourselves in the + vortex."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We should like to see this situation illustrated. Would some + Vorticist oblige?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" + id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/141.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/141.png" + alt="THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH." /></a> + + <h3>THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" + id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/142.png" + alt="The Demobilised One." /></a><i>The Demobilised + One</i>. "SEEMS FUNNY TO THINK THAT ONLY LAST WEEK I + WAS WALKING ABOUT LOOKING LIKE THAT, EH?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LITERARY OPTIONS.</h2> + + <p>In these days of ever-increasing strikes it is suggested, + for the convenience of contributors to those magazines which of + necessity go to press some time in advance, that they should + submit to editors stories with interchangable + situations:—</p> + + <table summary="" + align="center" + width="100%"><tr><td></td></tr></table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="left">Algernon Aimless rose</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">lazily<br /> + hastily</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + + <td align="center">from the breakfast-table</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="center">at</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">9 A.M.<br /> + 7 A.M.</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + + <td align="center">on a dark winter's morning</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">in order to catch the 9.15 to his + office in the City.<br /> + in preparation for his four-mile trudge to the City + (Tube strike).</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="left">The</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">electric lights gleamed with + dazzling brilliance<br /> + solitary candle shed a dismal light (Electricians' + strike)</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="left">on the</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">well-polished<br /> + neglected</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + + <td align="center">china, silver and table cutlery</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="left">which</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">were the joy and pride of the + admirable parlourmaid.<br /> + no servants' hands had touched for weeks (Domestic + servants' strike).</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td>Algernon</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">had glanced casually at his + letters.<br /> + had had no letters to read (Postmen's strike).</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="left">As he stood in the</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">spotlessly kept and charming<br /> + dusty discomfort of the dark</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + + <td align="center">hall,</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="left">arranging his</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">sleek well-brushed brown hair<br /> + long untidy hair (Barbers' strike)</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + + <td align="center">before</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="center">putting on his hat, Ermyntrude + Aimless</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">glided<br /> + bounced</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">gracefully down the staircase, clad + in a charming <i>négligée</i> of satin and lace.<br /> + breathlessly up from the basement, wearing an old + over-all above her dressing-gown.</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">"A handkerchief, dearest," she + murmured. "I was afraid<br /> + "Your sandwiches, old thing," she gasped. "I + believe</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="center">you'd forgotten</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">to take one;"<br /> + about 'em;"</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + + <td align="center">and she held out in her</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td> + + <td align="center">white delicately-manicured hand a + silk handkerchief of palest mauve, exquisitely + scented.<br /> + none-too-clean hand an untidy brown-paper parcel which + contained his luncheon (Restaurant strike).</td> + + <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <table summary="" + align="center" + width="100%"><tr><td></td></tr></table> + + <p>NOTE TO INTENDING AUTHORS.—This is not supposed to be + a complete story, but just gives you the idea.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT PARIS PLAGE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oft have I begged the high gods for a boon,</p> + + <p>That they would bear me from the Flanders slosh</p> + + <p>Back to a desert <i>not</i> made by the Bosch,</p> + + <p>The sunny Egypt that I left too soon.</p> + + <p>O silvery nights beneath an Eastern moon!</p> + + <p>O shirt-sleeved days! O small infrequent wash!</p> + + <p>O once again to see the nigger "nosh"</p> + + <p>The camel, rudely grunting (out of tune)!</p> + + <p>Loudly I called; the high gods hearkened not</p> + + <p>Till came the signal and the big guns ceased;</p> + + <p>But then they brought me to this sea-kissed + spot,</p> + + <p>Heeded my prayer and gave me back at least</p> + + <p>One of the pleasures that of old I knew,</p> + + <p>For here once more there's sand within the stew.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" + id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/143.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143.png" + alt="GIVING HIM ROPE?" /></a> + + <h3>GIVING HIM ROPE?</h3>GERMAN CRIMINAL (<i>to Allied + Police</i>). "HERE, I SAY, STOP! YOU'RE HURTING ME! + [<i>Aside</i>] IF I ONLY WHINE ENOUGH I MAY BE ABLE TO + WRIGGLE OUT OF THIS YET." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" + id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Tuesday, February 11th</i>.—The KING's Speech + outlined a programme of legislation which would in the ordinary + way occupy two or three Sessions. But the Parliamentary + machinery is to be ruthlessly speeded up and "a short cut to + the Millennium" is to be discovered by way of the + Committee-rooms. Precisians observed with regret that the + customary reference in the Speech to "economy" had by some + oversight been omitted; and the prospective creation of several + additional Departments led Lord CREWE to express apprehension + lest the country should be "doped" with new Ministries, to the + detriment of the national health.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/145-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/145-1.png" + alt="THE OPPOSITION FREAK." /></a> + + <h4>THE OPPOSITION FREAK.</h4>THE ADAMSON-MACLEAN + COMBINATION. + </div> + + <p>"Where are they gone, the old familiar faces?" was the + question one asked oneself on looking at the crowded benches of + the House of Commons. It was said of a Past President of the + United States that he was the politest man in America—"he + gave up his seat in a street-car and made room for four + ladies." The gap made on the Front Opposition Bench by the + involuntary retirement of Mr. ASQUITH—to which generous + allusion was made by the PRIME MINISTER—is so vast that + the joint efforts of Sir DONALD MACLEAN and Mr. ADAMSON to fill + it met with only partial success. Unless, by the way, Mr. + SPEAKER definitely decides the problem of precedence, it is to + be feared that the hoped-for acceleration of business will not + occur, for at present each of them thinks it necessary to speak + whenever the other does, like the hungry lions on Afric's + burning shore. For all their outward politeness I am sure "the + first lion thinks the last a bore"; and if they insist on + roaring together much longer the House will think it of both of + them.</p> + + <p>The corner-seat whence Mr. PRINGLE flung his barbed darts at + the Government is filled, physically, by Mr. STANTON. Lonely + Mr. HOGGE now sits uneasily upon the Front Opposition Bench, + but, fearing perhaps lest its dignified traditions should cramp + his style, makes frequent visits to the Lobby.</p> + + <p>In accordance with ancient custom Sir COURTENAY ILBERT + asserted the right of the House to initiate legislation by + calling out "Outlawries Bill" in the middle of the SPEAKER's + recital of the Sessional Orders. Some of the new Members, I + fancy, took the interruption seriously, and thought that this + was the outcome of the "Punish the KAISER." movement.</p> + + <p>The Mover and Seconder of the Address fully deserved the + customary compliments. Col. Sir RHYS WILLIAMS' quiet and + effective style explained his success as a picker-up of + recruits; while Lt.-Commander DEAN, V.C., though he faced the + House with much more trepidation than he did the batteries of + Zeebrugge, got well home at the finish.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/145-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/145-2.png" + alt="SOUTH HACKNEY'S CHAMPION." /></a>SOUTH HACKNEY'S + CHAMPION. + </div> + + <p>The lot of a Labour leader just now is not a happy one. + Perhaps that accounted for the querulous tone assumed by Mr. + ADAMSON, who seemed more concerned with the omissions in the + KING's Speech than with its contents. His best sayings were + imported from America, but he would have done better to content + himself with LINCOLN and abjure BRYAN, whose "cross-of-gold" + fustian will not bear repetition.</p> + + <p>After Sir DONALD MACLEAN had thoughtfully provided a welcome + tea interval the PRIME MINISTER rose to reply to his critics. + The accusation that he had forgotten some of his recent + promises, such as "No Conscription," "Punish the Kaiser," and + "Germany must pay," did not trouble him much. If these + election-eggs had hatched out prematurely and the contents were + coming home to roost at an inconvenient moment he had no time + to attend to them. What the country most needs at the moment is + a firm clear statement on the Labour troubles, and that is what + it got. So far as those troubles are due to remediable causes + they shall be remedied; so far as the demands of Labour are + based upon class-greed they shall be fought tooth and nail. + There were a few dissentient shouts from the Opposition + Benches, but the House as a whole was delighted when the + PREMIER in ringing tones declared that "no section, however + powerful, will be allowed to hold up the whole nation."</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, February 12th</i>.—The Lords had a brisk + little debate on agriculture. Lord LINCOLNSHIRE paid many + compliments to Lord ERNLE for what he had accomplished as Mr. + PROTHERO, but could not understand why, having exchanged the + green benches for the red, he should have reversed his old + policy, "scrapped" the agricultural committees and begun to + dispose of his tractors. Lord ERNLE, in the measured tones so + suitable to the Upper House, made a good defence of the change. + The chief thing wanted now was to "clean the land," where + noxious weeds, the Bolshevists of the soil, had been spreading + with great rapidity. As for the tractors, the Board thought it + a good thing that the farmers should possess their own, but + would retain in its own hands enough of them to help farmers + who could not help themselves—not a large class, I + imagine, with produce at its present prices.</p> + + <p>In the Commons an hour was spent in discussing the + Government's now customary motion to take all the time of the + House. Up got Mr. ADAMSON, to denounce it, now the War was + over, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" + id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> as sheer Kaiserism. Up got + Sir DONALD MACLEAN to defend it as commonsense, though he + induced Mr. BONAR LAW to limit its duration to the end of + March. Colonel WEDGWOOD pleaded that private Members might + still be allowed to bring in Bills under the Ten Minutes' + Rule; but that Parliamentary pundit, Sir F. BANBURY, + asserted that there was no such thing in reality as the Ten + Minutes' Rule, and pictured the possibility of whole days + being swallowed up by a succession of private Members + commending their legislative bantlings one after another + with the brief explanatory statement permitted on such + occasions. Alarmed at the prospect Mr. LAW decided not to + admit the thin end of the WEDGWOOD.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/146.png" + alt="ELEMENTARY ECONOMICS." /></a>ELEMENTARY + ECONOMICS. + </div> + + <p>The debate on the Address was resumed by Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who + had a large audience. During his previous membership, + terminated by one of those periodical visits to the Law Courts + to which he made humorous reference, he delivered some capital + speeches; and it was pleasant to find that the necessity of + constantly producing "another powerful article next week" has + not caused him to lose his oratorical form. His gestures are + slightly reminiscent of the action of the common pump-handle, + but his voice is excellent, and his matter has the merit of + exactly resembling what our old friend "the Man in the Street" + would say in less Parliamentary language, He has no + hesitations, for example, on the subject of making Germany pay. + By one of those rapid financial calculations for which he is + renowned he has arrived at the comfortable figure of ten + thousand millions sterling as Britain's little bill; and if you + express doubts as to the debtor's capacity to pay he replies + that he cannot recall any judge who made an order against him + ever prefacing his judgment with an inquiry whether it would be + convenient for him to find the money.</p> + + <p>Payment in kind is Mr. RONALD McNEILL's prescription. Let + Leipzig library replenish the empty shelves of Louvain and the + windows of Cologne make good—so far as German glass can + do it—the shattered glories of Rheims.</p> + + <p>Mr. CLYNES warned the Government against neglecting the + legitimate aspirations of Labour, one of which, he had the + courage to affirm, was access to more and better beer. He also + sought a clear statement of the Government's policy in Russia. + This request was repeated by Sir SAMUEL HOARE, who, having + spent a year and a half during the War in that distracted + country, declared that "we must decide between Bolshevists and + anti-Bolshevists." Unfortunately that is exactly what, + according to the PRIME MINISTER's reply, we cannot do. The + Allies are not prepared to intervene in force; they cannot + leave Russia to stew in Her own hell-broth. The proposed + Conference is admittedly a <i>pis-aller</i>; and, if it ever + meets, no one can feel very hopeful of a tangible result from + the deliberations of the Prinkipotentiaries.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, February 13th</i>.—Labour unrest produced + a capital debate, in which Mr. BRACE, Mr. THOMAS and Mr. SEXTON + made excellent speeches on the one side, and Major TRYON, Mr. + REMER (an employer and a profit-sharer) and Mr. BONAR LAW were + equally effective on the other. Brushing aside minor causes the + Leader of the House, in his forthright manner, said the root of + the matter was that "Labour wants a larger share of the good + things which are to be obtained in this world"—not an + unreasonable desire, he indicated, but one which would not be + permanently realised by strikes directed against the whole + community. Mr. SEDDON, of the National Democratic Party, + compressed the same argument into an epigram. If the miners' + full demands were conceded they would have "an El Dorado for + one minute and disaster the next."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FROST AND THAW.</h2> + + <p>I was earlier than usual that morning, which was bad luck, + as I heard Fitz-Jones click his gate behind me and thud after + me in his snow-boots. Fitz-Jones and I had a little + disagreement, not long ago, about the sole possession of a + servant-maid. Since then there has been a coolness. Curiously + enough, the hideous frost that raged at the moment (the + thermometer stood at twenty-five degrees in the henhouse) + seemed to thaw Fitz-Jones. And I knew why.</p> + + <p>Last summer Fitz-Jones had spent four torrid days with the + thermometer at 75 degrees, winding up his pipes in straw + "against" the winter. I had seen his purple face as I hammocked + it with an iced drink. He had seen and heard me laugh.</p> + + <p>"Ah," he croaked, "you may laugh on the other side of the + hedge now, but you'll laugh on the other side of your face + later."</p> + + <p>So now I knew that he was thudding after me in the snow, + bursting to hear that my pipes had burst or were about to + burst.</p> + + <p>"Hallo, Browne," he began, "how'd you like this?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, all right," I said airily. Here I did a wonderful step. + Slide on the right heel—hesitation shuffle on the left + toe—two half slips sideways. Wave both + arms—backward bend. Recover. + Jazz—tangle—tickle-toe was nothing to it.</p> + + <p>"Slippery, isn't it?" he said. "My flannel was frozen to the + wash-stand to-day—had to get it off with a chisel."</p> + + <p>I was prepared for these travellers' tales. I knew he was + leading up to water-pipes.</p> + + <p>"Couldn't get my cold tub," he went on; "frozen solid + overnight."</p> + + <p>I had heard of this cold tub before. "My tooth-brush froze + on to my teeth," I capped him; "the teapot spout was hung with + icicles, and the cat's tongue froze on to the milk when it was + drinking."</p> + + <p>"How about your pipes?" he began, "Who was right about + wrapping?"</p> + + <p>"Rapping," I said in well-feigned innocence—"rapping? + Who rapped? Rapped on what?"</p> + + <p>That set him going.</p> + + <p>I gathered when we reached the station there was a strike + on. But we found a milk-lorry travelling our way. So Smith had + the entire use of my right ear into which to say, "I told + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" + id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> you so," for an hour, while + we travelled to the spot on which we win our bread. He had + dragged from me the fact that our hot-water tap had also + struck. The milk cans clattered. Smith chattered. So did my + teeth.</p> + + <p>When I got home that night our house seemed to be more + handsomely garnished with icicles than any other house I had + seen that day.</p> + + <p>"Keep the home fires burning!" I said to my wife on + entering. "If need be, burn the banisters and the bills and my + boot-trees and everything else beginning with a 'b.' Keep us + thawed and unburst, or Fitz-Jones will feel he has scored a + moral victory; he will strut cross-gartered, with yellow + stockings, for the rest of his days."</p> + + <p>"I don't know what you are talking about," said Evangeline, + "but Christabel and I" (Christabel is our general-in-command) + "have been cosseting those pipes all day. Been giving them + glasses of hot water and dressing them up in all our clothes. + The bath-pipe is wearing my new furs and your pyjamas, and I've + put your golf stockings on the geyser-pipe. I expect they'll + all blow up. Come and look at the hot-water cistern."</p> + + <p>The cistern looked dressy in Evangeline's fur coat. I added + my silk hat to the geyser's cosy costume and a pair of boots on + the bath-taps. But I was told not to be silly, so took them off + again.</p> + + <p>I suggested that the geyser should go to a fancy-dress ball + as "The Winter of our Discontent," but was again told not to be + silly.</p> + + <p>Two days elapsed. The frost held. Then something happened. + Fitz-Jones's lady-help came round at 7.30 A.M. to borrow a drop + of water, as they were frozen up.</p> + + <p>We lent them several drops, and I breathed again, and + continued to breathe, with snorts of derision.</p> + + <p>Three days later the thaw came.</p> + + <p>As I passed Fitz-Jones's house I was grieved to hear a + splashing sound. A cascade of water was spouting from his + bathroom window. Fitz-Jones himself was running round and round + the house like a madman, flourishing a water-key and trying to + find the tap to the main.</p> + + <p>I begged him to be calm, to control himself for his wife's + sake, for all our sakes. I was most graceful and sympathetic + about it.</p> + + <p>But with the thaw Fitz-Jones had frozen again.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Civil Servant requires house."—<i>Local + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>On the other hand, many houses just now require a civil + servant.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147.png" + alt="Lady and Tramp." /></a> + + <p><i>Lady</i>. "YOU COME HERE BEGGING AND SAY YOU ARE NOT + EXPECTED TO DO ANY MORE WORK. I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A + THING."</p> + + <p><i>Tramp</i>. "THEN I'VE BEEN MISINFORMED, LIDY. I + CERTAINLY 'EARD THAT AFTER THE WAR ENGLAND WAS GOIN' TER BE + A BETTER PLACE FER THE LABOURING CLASSES."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PAST AND PRESENT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After</i> T. HOOD.)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember, I remember.</p> + + <p class="i2">The line where I was borne,</p> + + <p>The little platform where the train</p> + + <p class="i2">Came rushing in at morn;</p> + + <p>I used to take a little seat</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the little train,</p> + + <p>But now before I get at it</p> + + <p class="i2">It rushes out again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember, I remember</p> + + <p class="i2">The 'buses red and white,</p> + + <p>The corner where they used to stop</p> + + <p class="i2">And take me home at night;</p> + + <p>They never gave a wink at me</p> + + <p class="i2">And shouted, "Full to-day,"</p> + + <p>But now I often wish that one</p> + + <p class="i2">Would carry me away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember, I remember</p> + + <p class="i2">The cabs we used to get,</p> + + <p>The growler from the "Adam Arms"</p> + + <p class="i2">(The horse is living yet);</p> + + <p>My spirit was impatient then,</p> + + <p class="i2">That is so meek to-day,</p> + + <p>And now I often think that that</p> + + <p class="i2">Would be the quickest way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember, I remember</p> + + <p class="i2">The lights against the sky;</p> + + <p>I used to think that London would</p> + + <p class="i2">Be closer by-and-by;</p> + + <p>It was a childish ignorance,</p> + + <p class="i2">But now 'tis little joy</p> + + <p>To know I'm farther from the Strand</p> + + <p class="i2">Than when I was a boy.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">A.P.H.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" + id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <h2>CUE TYPES.</h2> + + <p>At the present moment, when the billiard professionals are + contesting the palm and Mr. S.H. FRY has re-captured the title + of amateur champion seven-and-twenty years after he first won + it, there is such interest in the game that a kind of <i>Guide + to Billiard Types</i> cannot but be of value. Hence the + following classification of players who are to be met with in + clubs, country-houses or saloons by any ordinary wielders of + the cue. Any reader who has ever endeavoured to master what may + be called (by way of inversion) the Three Balls Art has power + to add to their number.</p> + + <p>The player who, as he drops behind in the game, says so + often that it is months since h" touched a cue that your + success is robbed of all savour.</p> + + <p>The player who is funny and calls the red the Cherry, the + Robin, the Cardinal or the Lobster.</p> + + <p>The player who comes to the game as to a solemn ritual and + neither smiles nor speaks.</p> + + <p>The player who keeps on changing his cue and blames each one + in turn for his own ineptitude.</p> + + <p>The player who can use his left hand as well as his right: a + man to be avoided.</p> + + <p>The player who whistles while he plays. This is a very + deadly companion.</p> + + <p>The player who never has a good word for his opponent's + efforts.</p> + + <p>The player who congratulates you on every stroke: a charming + antagonist.</p> + + <p>The player who is always jolly whatever buffets he receives + from fortune.</p> + + <p>The player who talks about every one of his strokes.</p> + + <p>The player who swears at most of them.</p> + + <p>The player who doubts the accuracy of your scoring. Avoid + this one.</p> + + <p>The player who hits everything too hard. This is a very + exasperating man to meet because fortune usually favours him. + Either he flukes immoderately or he does not leave well. He is + usually a hearty fellow with no sense of shame. Perhaps he says + "Sorry;" but he adds, "It must have been on."</p> + + <p>The player who hits everything too gently: the lamb as + compared with the previous type, who is a lion. The lamb is + good to play with if you prefer winning to a real contest.</p> + + <p>The player who groans loudly when you make a fluke.</p> + + <p>The player who is accustomed to play on a much faster table + than this.</p> + + <p>The player who calls the game Pills.</p> + + <p>The player who calls it Tuskers.</p> + + <p>The player who counts your breaks for you, but whether from + interest or suspicion you are not sure.</p> + + <p>The player who pots the white when he should and says + nothing about it.</p> + + <p>The player who pots the white when he should, with a + thousand apologies.</p> + + <p>The player who pots the white when he shouldn't, with a + thousand apologies.</p> + + <p>The player who is snappy with the marker.</p> + + <p>The player who drops cigar ash on the cloth.</p> + + <p>The player who hates to lose.</p> + + <p>The player who would much rather that you won. This type is + a joy to play with, unless towards the end he too patently + ceases to try.</p> + + <p>The player who, after the stroke, tells you what you ought + to have done.</p> + + <p>The player who talks to the balls, particularly to the red. + "Now then, red," he says, "don't go into baulk;" or, "Stop just + by that pocket;" or "White, don't go down."</p> + + <p>The player who has just come from a spectacular match and + keeps on trying to reproduce that shot of STEVENSON's.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/148.png" + alt="Ministry Official and Infatuated Office Boy." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Ministry Official</i>. "NO NEED TO SCREEN THE LIGHTS + <i>NOW</i>, MY BOY. D'YOU THINK THE WAR'S STILL ON?"</p> + + <p><i>Infatuated Office Boy</i>. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE + MISS JENKINS A BIT OF TOAST, SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In a licensing prosecution at —— yesterday + it was stated that one shilling was charged for a 'drop' of + whisky of about one-sixth of a gallon."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In the interests of temperance we have suppressed the name + of the town at which this bargain was secured.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CONTRACTS.</h2> + + <p>It was shortly after the commencement of the March offensive + that it was decided to open new munition works in Glenwhinnie, + N.B. The contract for building was offered to the well-known + firm of McTavish, McTurk & McThom, of Auchterinver.</p> + + <p>They accepted. With thanks.</p> + + <p>And so it came about that, early in April, Glenwhinnie, N.B. + became the scene of great activity. Men bearing strange + instruments came and took extensive measurements; large bodies + of gentlemen in corduroys, armed with powerful implements + indicative of toil, arrived and smoked clay pipes; a special + light railway was rapidly constructed, and bore colossal cranes + and more gentlemen with clay pipes to the scene of action. And + Mr. McTurk went in person to open the proceedings.</p> + + <p>In a speech pulsating with patriotism, Mr. McTurk exhorted + his men to do their best for their King and country, and show + everybody what the firm of McTavish, McTurk & McThom could + do. He then departed, leaving things in the hands of a dozen + subordinates well tried and true ...</p> + + <p>And so by the early days of June the work began ...</p> + + <p>Came November 11th ...</p> + + <p>November 20th it was decided that the new works in + Glenwhinnie, N.B., would not be necessary after all.</p> + + <p>What was to be done?</p> + + <p>A special committee decided that the buildings should be + demolished, and the contract was offered to the well-known firm + of McClusky, McCleery & McClumpha, of Auchtermuchty.</p> + + <p>They accepted. With thanks.</p> + + <p>And so it came about that a second army of occupation + descended upon Glenwhinnie, N.B. Fresh bodies of gentlemen in + corduroys and armed with a rather different set of powerful + implements arrived, and smoked clay pipes. Another light + railway was rapidly constructed, and Mr. McCleery went in + person to open the proceedings. In a speech full of fervour + ...</p> + + <p>And so by early January the work commenced.</p> + + <p>By this time Messrs. McTavish and Co. had got the buildings + well in hand. What was to be done? Leave + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" + id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> their work uncompleted? + Never! As Mr. McThom pointed out with considerable emotion + to his partners, a contract was a contract all the world + over.</p> + + <p>If it ever came to be said that any firm he was interested + in had failed to fulfil a contract, he for one (Angus McThom) + would never hold up his head. The contract must be completed. + It was a sacred duty. Besides—a minor point—what + about payment?</p> + + <p>So Mr. McTurk was despatched to Glenwhinnie, N.B., where in + a speech of great power he pointed out the path of duty.</p> + + <p>Amid scenes of enthusiasm the work went on apace.</p> + + <p>And at the other end the well-known firm of McClusky, + McCleery & McClumpha tore down the buildings with equal + enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>And that is the state of affairs just now in Glenwhinnie, + N.B. What will happen when—as they are bound to + do—the wreckers overtake the builders is a matter for + speculation. Mr. McTurk may make another speech. Possibly Mr. + McCleery may also exhort. There is promise of a delicate + situation.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/149.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149.png" + alt="Interview of Prospective Maid." /></a> + + <p>"AND ARE YOU A GOOD NEEDLEWOMAN AND RENOVATOR, AND + WILLING TO BE USEFUL?"</p> + + <p>"MADAM, I AM AFRAID THERE IS SOME MISUNDERSTANDING. I AM + A LADY'S MAID—NOT A USEFUL MAID."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE STOICS OF THE SERPENTINE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">I, for my part, admire</p> + + <p class="i2">The snug domestic fire,</p> + + <p>The comfortable hearth, the glowing coals,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor in the least aspire</p> + + <p>To emulate those strong heroic souls</p> + + <p class="i2">Who get up while it's dark</p> + + <p class="i2">And haste to chill ablutions in Hyde + Park.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">It can't be very nice</p> + + <p class="i2">To break the solid ice</p> + + <p>And, like a walrus, plunge into the deep;</p> + + <p class="i2">Then jump out in a trice,</p> + + <p>Dissevering the icicles as you leap,</p> + + <p class="i2">Even though the after-glow</p> + + <p class="i2">Of virtue melts the circumjacent + snow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">And we of milder mould,</p> + + <p class="i2">And we who're growing old,</p> + + <p>Wish they would wash, like other folk, + elsewhere;</p> + + <p class="i2">It makes us feel quite cold</p> + + <p>To think of them refrigerating there;</p> + + <p class="i2">We shiver in our beds;</p> + + <p class="i2">Our pitying molars chatter in our + heads.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>"THE DOVER PATROL.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>VINDICTIVE MEN AS PROGRAMME + SELLERS."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>After what men have suffered from the flag-day sex, no + wonder they get vindictive when they have a chance of + retaliation.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The causes of the engineers' strike in London are a + little obscure, but the stoppage of the ten minutes allowed + for tea before the 47-hour day was introduced brought the + men out from one motor works."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The great objection to a day of this length is that it gives + so little scope for overtime.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Association for the Betterment of the Highlands and + Islands of the Free Church of Scotland have prepared and + presented to the Secretary for Scotland a memorandum on the + reconstruction of the Highlands."—<i>Scots + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We have always thought that judicious thinning of the more + congested views would help the tourist.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The men who had watched the daily search set up a + cheer, ffi—— ——fl."—<i>Sunday + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We hope the cheer was more hearty than it appears at first + sight.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" + id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + + <h2>A CONSULTATION.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Persons of the dialogue</i>: Arthur Pillwell, M.D., + <i>a fashionable physician;</i> Henry Swallow, <i>a + patient. The scene is laid in</i> Dr. Pillwell's + <i>consulting-room—a solid room, heavily furnished. A + large writing-table occupies the centre of the scene. There + are a few prints on the walls; two bookcases are solidly + filled with medical books.</i> Dr. Pillwell <i>is seated at + the writing-table. He rises to greet his patient.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Dr. P.</i> Good morning, Mr. —— (<i>He looks + furtively at a notebook lying open on the table</i>) + Mr.—ah—Swallow.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>thinking to himself: Ought I to call this + Johnnie "Doctor," or not? I'm told they're very particular + about a thing like that. Like a fool, I never gave it a + thought. Still, I can't go so very far wrong if I call him + "Doctor." Besides, he's got to be called "Doctor" whether he + likes it or not. Here goes.</i>) (<i>Aloud</i>) Good morning, + Dr. Pillwell. I've been troubled with some symptoms which I + can't quite make out. I think I described them in my letter. + (<i>To himself: They made several doctors Knights of the + British Empire, and I'm almost certain Pillwell was one of + them. Sir John Pillwell. Yes, it sounds all right; but I shan't + call him "Sir John" because if he isn't a knight he might think + I was trying to make fun of him and then he might retaliate by + calling me "Sir Henry," and I should hate that</i>). + (<i>Aloud</i>) The chief symptoms are a steady loss of appetite + and a disinclination to work. I was recommended to consult you + by my friend, Mr. Bolter, as I think I explained in my + letter.</p> + + <p><i>Dr. P.</i> It's curious how prevalent these symptoms are + at the present moment. I think, if you don't mind, I will begin + by taking your temperature.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Produces clinical thermometer and gives it three + good jerks.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>to himself: There—I knew he'd want + to put one of those infernal machines in my mouth. I simply + loathe the feeling of them, and I'm always on the verge of + crunching them up. Perhaps I ought to warn him.</i>) + (<i>Aloud</i>) I'm afraid I'm not much good as a thermometer + man.</p> + + <p><i>Dr. P.</i> Oh, it's a mere trifle. All you've got to do + is just to hold it under your tongue. There—it's in.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>talking with difficulty</i>). Ish i' in 'e + ri' plashe?</p> + + <p><i>Dr. P.</i> Yes. But don't try to talk while it's in your + mouth. I've had patients who've bitten it in two. + There—that's enough. (<i>Extracts it deftly from + patient's mouth and examines it.</i>) Hum, hum, yes. A point + below normal. Nothing violently wrong <i>there</i>. (<i>He now + performs the usual rites and mysteries.</i>) I'll make you out + a little prescription which ought to put you all right. And if + you can spare a week, and spend it at Eastbourne, I don't think + it will do you any harm.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>To himself: I like this man. He doesn't + waste any time. It's a curious coincidence that I should have + been thinking this very morning of arranging a visit to the + seaside. Now of course I've absolutely got to go. Can't disobey + my new doctor, and wouldn't if I could. By Jove, I'd all but + forgotten about the two guineas fee. Yes, the cheque's in my + breast-pocket. Two guineas for the first visit. The rule is not + to give it too openly, but to slip it on to a desk or table as + if you were half ashamed of it. Where shall I put it so as to + make sure he spots it out of the corner of his eye? Ha! on the + blotting-pad, which I can just reach. Does it with his left + hand, and feels a man once more.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Dr. P.</i> And here's your prescription.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> Thank you a thousand times. (<i>To himself: + He's edging up to the blotting-pad, and he'll have the cheque + in another second.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO A CHINESE COOLIE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O happy Chink! When I behold thy face,</p> + + <p class="i2">Illumined with the all-embracing + smile</p> + + <p>Peculiar to thy celestial race,</p> + + <p class="i2">So full of mirth and yet so free from + guile,</p> + + <p>I stand amazed and let my fancy roam,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ask myself by what mysterious + lure</p> + + <p>Thou wert induced to leave thy flowery home</p> + + <p class="i2">For Flanders, where, alas! the flowers + are fewer.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oft have I marked thee on the Calais quay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Unloading ships of plum-and-apple + jam,</p> + + <p>Or beef, or, three times weekly, M. and V.,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sometimes bacon (very rarely + ham);</p> + + <p>Or, where St. Quentin towers above the plain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Have seen thee scan the awful scene and + sigh,</p> + + <p>Pick up a spade, then put it down again</p> + + <p class="i2">And wipe a furtive tear-drop from thine + eye.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And many a Sabbath have I seen thee stride</p> + + <p class="i2">With stately step across the Merville + Square,</p> + + <p>Beaming with pleasure, full of conscious pride,</p> + + <p class="i2">Breaking the hearts of all the <i>jeunes + filles</i> there;</p> + + <p>A bowler hat athwart thy stubborn locks</p> + + <p class="i2">And round thy neck a tie of brilliant + blue,</p> + + <p>Thy legs in football shorts, thy feet in socks</p> + + <p class="i2">Of silken texture and vermilion hue.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Impassive Chu (or should I call thee "Chow"?),</p> + + <p class="i2">Say, what hast thou to do with all this + fuss,</p> + + <p>The ceaseless hurry and the beastly row,</p> + + <p class="i2">The buzzing plane and roaring + motor-bus,</p> + + <p>While far away the sullen Hwang-ho rolls</p> + + <p class="i2">His lazy waters to the Eastern Sea,</p> + + <p>And sleepy mandarins sit on bamboo poles</p> + + <p class="i2">Imbibing countless cups of China tea?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A year ago thou digged'st in feverish haste</p> + + <p class="i2">Against the whelming onset of the Hun</p> + + <p>A hundred miles of trench across the + waste—</p> + + <p class="i2">A year ago—and now the War is + won;</p> + + <p>But thou remainest still with pick and spade,</p> + + <p class="i2">Celestial delver, patient son of + toil!</p> + + <p>To fill the trenches thou thyself hast made</p> + + <p class="i2">And roll the twisted wire in even + coil.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But not for thee the glory and the praise,</p> + + <p class="i2">The medals or the fat gratuity;</p> + + <p>No man shall crown thee with a wreath of bays</p> + + <p class="i2">Or recommend thee for the O.B.E.;</p> + + <p>And thou, methinks, wouldst rather have it so,</p> + + <p class="i2">Provided that, without undue delay,</p> + + <p>They let thee take thy scanty wage and go</p> + + <p class="i2">Back to thy sunny home in Old Cathay;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where never falls a shell nor bursts a bomb,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor ever blows the slightest whiff of + gas,</p> + + <p>Such as was not infrequent in the Somme,</p> + + <p class="i2">But on thy breast shall lean some + slant-eyed lass;</p> + + <p>And she shall listen to thy converse ripe</p> + + <p class="i2">And search for souvenirs among thy + kit,</p> + + <p>Pass thee thy slippers and thy opium pipe</p> + + <p class="i2">And make thee glad that thou hast done + thy bit.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>"SELF MADE MAN</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>Young widwep lady intelligent, wealthy wishing to + remarie, wishes to make acquaintance in a Swiss Sportplace + with a well situated english or american gentleman. + Preference is given to a businessman, self made, with fine + caracter aged 35-45 handsome as the lady is it + too."—<i>Swiss Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We foresee a rush of profiteers to the Alps.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" + id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/151.png" + alt="Sportsman and Guide." /></a> + + <p><i>Sportsman</i>. "THEY DON'T SEEM VERY ANXIOUS TO HUNT + TO-DAY, TOM."</p> + + <p><i>Tom</i> (<i>exasperated by a bad scenting day</i>). + "POOR THINGS, THEY'VE ALMOST FORGOT HOW TO; THEY'VE BEEN SO + BUSY GETTIN' OUT OF THE WAY OF YOU YOUNG OFFICER GENTS + SINCE YOU CAME 'OME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Finding <i>Midas and Son</i> (METHUEN) described on the + wrapper as a tale of "the struggle of a young man and his + immense riches," I said to myself (rather like <i>Triplet</i> + in the play) that here was a struggle at which it would greatly + hearten me to assist. As a fact, however, the conflict proved + to be somewhat postponed; it took Mr. STEPHEN McKENNA more than + two hundred pages to get the seconds out of the ring and leave + his hero, <i>Deryk</i>, face to face with an income of + something over a million a year. Before this happened the youth + had become engaged to a girl, been thrown over by her, + experienced the wiles of Circe and gone in more or less vaguely + for journalism. Then came the income and the question what to + do with it. Of course he didn't know how to use it to the best + advantage; it is universal experience that other people never + do. But <i>Deryk</i> impressed me as more than commonly lacking + in resource. All he could think of was to finance and share in + an archæological venture (rather fun), and to purchase a Pall + Mall club-house—apparently the R.A.C.—and do it up + as a London abode for himself and his old furniture. Also for + his wife, as fortune had now flung him again into the arms of + his early love. But it is just here that the subtle and + slightly cruel cleverness of Mr. McKENNA's scheme becomes + manifest. The million-a-year had been at work on <i>Deryk</i>; + it had slain his capacity for romance. In plain words, he found + that he cared more for his furniture than for his + <i>fiancée</i>, whose adoration soon bored him to shrieking + point. So there you are. I shall not betray the author's + solution of his own problem. I don't think he has proved his + somewhat obvious point as to the peril of great possessions. + <i>Deryk</i> was hardly a quite normal subject, and + <i>Idina</i> (the girl) was a little fool who would have + irritated a crossing-sweeper. But what he certainly has done is + to provide some scenes of pre-war London not unworthy to be + companion pictures to those in <i>Sonia</i>; and this, I fancy, + will be good enough for most readers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Its publishers call <i>The Pot Boils</i> (CONSTABLE) a + "provocative" book, and certainly the title at least deserves + this epithet. But I decline to be drawn into the obvious + retort. Besides, with all its faults, the story exhibits an + almost flaunting disregard of those qualities that make the + best seller. About the author I am prepared to wager, first, + that "STORM JAMESON" is a disguise; secondly, that the + personality behind it is feminine. I have hinted that the tale + is hardly likely to gain universal popularity; let me add that + certain persons, notably very young Socialists and experts in + Labour journalism, may find it of absorbing interest. It is a + young book, almost exclusively about young people, written (or + I mistake) by a youthful hand. These striplings and maidens are + all poor, mostly vain, and without exception fulfilled of a + devastating verbosity. We meet them first at a "Northern + University," talking, reforming the earth, kissing, and again + talking—about the kisses. Thence they and the tale move + to London, and the same process is repeated. It is all rather + depressingly narrow in outlook; though within these limits + there are interesting and even amusing scenes. Also the author + displays now and again a happy dexterity of phrase (I remember + one instance—about "web-footed Socialists ... dividing + and sub-dividing into committees, like + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page152" + id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span> worms cut by a spade"), + which encourages me to hope that she will do better things + with a scheme of wider appeal. But to the general, + especially the middle-aged general, the contents of her + present <i>Pot</i> will, I fear, be only caviare.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Little <i>Sara Lee Kennedy</i>, betrothed to one of those + alert grim-jawed young Americans one sees in the advertising + pages of <i>The Ladies' Home Journal</i>, learns of the + suffering in Belgium at the beginning of the great War and + finds she must do something about it. She can cook, so she will + go and make soup for KING ALBERT's men. She takes her young + man's photograph and his surly disapproval; also a few dollars + hastily collected from her obscure township in Pa.; and becomes + the good angel of a shattered sector of the Belgian line. And + she finds in <i>The Amazing Interlude</i> (MURRAY) her + prince—a real prince—in the Secret Service, and, + after the usual reluctances and brave play (made for the sake + of deferring the inevitable) with the photograph of the old + love, is at last gloriously on with the new. It is a very + charming love-story, and MARY ROBERTS RINEHART makes a much + better thing of the alarms and excursions of war than you would + think. It was no good, I found, being superior about it and + muttering "Sentiment" when you had to blink away the unbidden + tear lest your fireside partner should find you out. So let me + commend to you this idealised vision of a corner of the great + War seen through the eyes of an American woman of vivid + sympathies.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Rovers of the Night Sky</i> (CASSELL) is for more reasons + than one a welcome addition to my rapidly bulging collection of + books about flying. "NIGHT HAWK, M.C.," was in the + Infantry—what he calls a "Gravel-Cruncher"—before + he took to the air, and by no means the least interesting part + of his sketches is the way in which he explains the + co-operation which existed between the fliers and the men + fighting on the ground. And his delight when a bombing + expedition was successful in giving instant assistance to the + Infantry is frequently shown. After his training in England + "NIGHT HAWK" was attached as an observer to a night-flying + squadron in France, and he tells us of his adventures with no + sense of self-importance but with an honest appreciation of + their value to the general scheme of operations. He has also a + keen eye for the humours of life, and can make his jest with + most admirable brevity. "Doubtless," he says in a foreword, + "the whole world will fly before many years have passed, but + for the moment most people have to be content to read about + it." I am one of them, and he has added to my contentment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>My studies of recent fiction induce the belief that modern + Wales may be divided into two parts, in one of which the + inhabitants call each other <i>Bach</i> and follow a code of + morals that I simply will not stoop to characterise; while the + other is at once more Saxon in idiom and considerably more + melodramatic in its happenings. It is to the latter province + that I must assign <i>A Little Welsh Girl</i> (HODDER AND + STOUGHTON), the Romance, with a big R, of <i>Dylis Morgan</i>, + who pushed an unappreciated suitor over a precipice and came to + London to make her fortune in revue. Really the suitor didn't + go all the way down the precipice; but as, by the time he + recovered, <i>Dylis</i>, disguised, had fled for England, he + was promptly arrested for her murder, and as <i>Dylis</i> + thought she had murdered him there was presently so much + confusion (increased for me by the hopelessly unpronounceable + names of a large cast) that I found it increasingly hard to + keep the affair in hand. As for <i>Dylis's</i> theatrical + career—well, you know how these things are managed in + fiction; for my part I was left wondering whether Mr. HOWEL + EVANS' pictures of Wales were as romantically conceived as his + conception of a West-End theatre. Though of course we all know + that Welsh people do sometimes make even more sensational + triumphs in the Metropolis; just possible indeed that this fact + may have some bearing on the recent flood of Cambrian fiction. + Certainly, if <i>A Little Welsh Girl</i> achieves success on + the strength of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE's triumph, she may thank her + luck, for I have my doubts whether she could manage it + unassisted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Of <i>Ladies Must Live</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) one may + say, in the first place, that it is fortunately unnecessary as + well as unusual for the bulk of them to live in the scalp and + tomahawk atmosphere that distinguishes the sexual and social + rivalry of <i>Christine Fennimer</i> and <i>Nancy Almar</i>, + the two beautiful American Society dames whose duel for the + affections of the eligible hero form the plot, the whole plot + and nothing but the plot of Miss ALICE DUER MILLER's latest + book. Nature red in tooth and claw has not mothered + them—they are too well-bred for that; they simply bite + with their tongues. <i>Mrs. Almar</i>, who is married and + purely piratical, comes off worst in the encounter, and the + more artful <i>Christine</i>, ultimately falling in love with + the object of her artifices, becomes human enough to marry him, + despite his lapse from financial eligibility. The plot is a + thin one, but smoothly and brightly unfolded. Unhappily Miss + MILLER lacks the gift of delicate satire and the sense of + humour that the society novel above all others seems to + require. With a lighter and less matter-of-fact treatment one + would accept more easily the overdrawing of her rather + impossible felines.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/152.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/152.png" + alt="Man in the Air. 'ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY PIVOTAL MEN!'" /> + </a><i>Man in the Air</i>. "ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY + PIVOTAL MEN!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir Charles Sykes, Director of Wood Production, has + conferred with representatives of each section of the + tailoring trade, with a view to simplifying the regulations + and making possible a larger output of Standard + suits."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We look forward to the part that this new clothing will play + in the general scheme of afforestation.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A lady visiting the town complained that she went to a + licensed house and asked to be served with tea. She alleged + that the licensee was very rude to her, and refused to + grant her request. He [the Superintendent of Police] + desired to point out to license holders that they were + bound to provide proper accommodation and refreshment for + man and beast."—<i>West-Country Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And we desire to point out to the Superintendent that that + is not the proper way to refer to a lady.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14146 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14146-h/images/133.png b/14146-h/images/133.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9271524 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/133.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/135.png b/14146-h/images/135.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..846ae38 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/135.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/136.png b/14146-h/images/136.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b49fe8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/136.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/137.png b/14146-h/images/137.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df890e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/137.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/138.png b/14146-h/images/138.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d9d02f --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/138.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/139.png b/14146-h/images/139.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1cc3821 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/139.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/141.png b/14146-h/images/141.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a74d956 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/141.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/142.png b/14146-h/images/142.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8867fa4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/142.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/143.png b/14146-h/images/143.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a68ce2d --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/143.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/145-1.png b/14146-h/images/145-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e63636 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/145-1.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/145-2.png b/14146-h/images/145-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2d352f --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/145-2.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/146.png b/14146-h/images/146.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3b6d92 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/146.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/147.png b/14146-h/images/147.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..07e5ae7 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/147.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/148.png b/14146-h/images/148.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da52ad8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/148.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/149.png b/14146-h/images/149.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e6e7cc --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/149.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/151.png b/14146-h/images/151.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e07cfb4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/151.png diff --git a/14146-h/images/152.png b/14146-h/images/152.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de145df --- /dev/null +++ b/14146-h/images/152.png |
