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+
+ <title>Punch, May 2, 1891.</title>
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+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 ***</div>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+ <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+ <h2>May 2, 1891.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page205"
+ id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span>
+
+ <h2>SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.</h2>
+
+ <h3>A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR.</h3>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire:</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">He may have failed to call when due: but
+ he&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>My breast being charged with economic
+ fire,&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Was mulcted of his customary fee.</p>
+
+ <p>I was informed, at first he did not seem</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">To grasp the cruel sense of what he
+ heard,</p>
+
+ <p>But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some
+ dream</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of evil portents all his pulses
+ stirred;</p>
+
+ <p>Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Dejected, broken! I had stopped his
+ beer!</p>
+
+ <p>Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">I did not wring a sad and silent
+ tear!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">That I with grief would moisten any
+ eye;</p>
+
+ <p>Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my
+ door,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Upon his beer he knew he could rely!</p>
+
+ <p>Nay more! For never heeding if my bin</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Were full or empty, I that Dustman
+ hailed;</p>
+
+ <p>His grateful smile my one desire to win;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">I felt I could not help it if I
+ failed.</p>
+
+ <p>Twice every week he came,&mdash;his twopence
+ drew:</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">That Dustman seemed to brighten with his
+ beer.</p>
+
+ <p>And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">With joy, not grief, <i>he shed his
+ silent tear!</i></p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+ <h4>[CONTINUED.]</h4>
+
+ <p><i>Thursday, April 16</i>.&mdash;On looking through my book
+ I find that I am now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs,
+ to most of which I am a Vice-President. Not bad, considering
+ that my average in my last year at school was four, and that I
+ didn't play more than half-a-dozen times at Oxford. TOLLAND
+ says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs than Cricket
+ Clubs&mdash;a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have also
+ had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter
+ Monday <i>Fêtes</i>, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and
+ Scientific Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit
+ Clubs, two Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or
+ Chapel Building Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two
+ Christian Young Men's Associations, three Children's Free
+ Dinner Funds, one Angling Association, not to speak of Fire
+ Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass Bands. Have also given a Prize
+ to be shot for by Volunteers, as CHUBSON gives one every year.
+ What with £80 subscription to the Registration Fund, things are
+ beginning to mount up pretty considerably.</p>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:22%;">
+ <a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/205-1.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <p>Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting.
+ TOLLAND said, "You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON
+ yourself. Leave our people to do that. They enjoy that kind of
+ thing, and know how to do it." They do, indeed. At our last
+ meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of the Junior Conservative
+ Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in proposing resolution
+ of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said, "talks of his
+ pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the better. I
+ can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without
+ tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's
+ pledges. It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say,
+ made himself. It's a pity he couldn't put in a little
+ consistency when he was engaged on the job. We don't want any
+ purse-proud Radical knights to represent us. We want a
+ straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll agree
+ with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent
+ and popular young Candidate."</p>
+
+ <p>This went down very well. Next day, however, the
+ <i>Meteor</i> "parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career
+ and mine. Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of
+ honourable and self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a
+ column. "It will be observed," said the <i>Meteor</i>, "that
+ there is a good deal of blank space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative
+ career; but this no doubt recommends him to his Conservative
+ friends, who are quite equal to filling it brilliantly with
+ their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of success."</p>
+
+ <p>Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a
+ great demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me
+ to-morrow.</p>
+
+ <p><i>April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury</i>.&mdash;The
+ Demonstration yesterday was a splendid success. At ten o'clock
+ in the morning the Conservative Band marched up to the Hotel
+ and played patriotic airs under the window. Mother and I drove
+ to the Beaconsfield Club in an open carriage and pair, escorted
+ by the band. Mother's bonnet was all primroses, and she carried
+ an immense bouquet of them. <i>Carlo</i> came with us and sat
+ on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of primroses, and
+ small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back and at the
+ end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and carried
+ a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD
+ BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The
+ coachman and horses too were all tricked out with bunches.
+ TOLLAND and CHORKLE, and all the leaders of the Party, met us
+ at the entrance of the Club, and the ceremony of depositing the
+ flowers all round the bust began. CHORKLE, who once shook hands
+ with DIZZY in the lobby of the House, made a great speech,
+ mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our great departed
+ leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five of them
+ being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL
+ SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN
+ CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen
+ months old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH
+ CHORKLE. They were all present, covered with primroses. I added
+ a few words about the inspiring effect that the contemplation
+ of LORD BEACONSFIELD's career must have upon the youth of the
+ country. Mother's bouquet kept falling off the place she had
+ put it on, and two or three enthusiasts always dashed forward
+ to pick it up, causing a good many collisions. In the middle of
+ my speech, <i>Carlo</i> walked into the centre of the hall, sat
+ down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been
+ tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that
+ rolled over on his back with his paws stuck straight out,
+ pretending he was dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that
+ dog again. There was a great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY
+ came down for it and spoke very kindly about me in his speech.
+ Said he had followed my career with profound interest and
+ pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known him a
+ year.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE!</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>Extract from the Diary of</i> PRIVATE ATKINS,
+ <i>Prince's Company, 4th Battalion, H.M.'s Guzzlebeer
+ Guards.</i>)</h4>
+
+ <p><i>Monday</i>.&mdash;Joined the Regiment. Appeared on
+ Parade, and was requested to come to "attention," although the
+ Sergeant <i>must</i> have seen that I was "standing at ease."
+ Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer should rectify
+ the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant apologised, and
+ promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. Both
+ Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties!</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:17%;">
+ <a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/205-2.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;Bugle sounded too early for Assembly.
+ Sent a message to the Adjutant by his orderly (with my
+ compliments) saying that I would feel much obliged if the
+ Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant returned <i>his</i>
+ compliments, with a request that I would give in writing my
+ reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth) that
+ I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed
+ as requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major
+ of my half-battalion (don't like bothering the
+ Commanding-officer about every trifle), and explained that,
+ although the Surgeon had seen me, and reported me fit, I had a
+ presentiment that the easterly winds would play the very
+ mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major thought, perhaps
+ it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused Guard in
+ consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Sorry to find rations very
+ unsatisfactory. Complained to the Officer of the day, who
+ reported the matter to the Captain. Captain said he would have
+ asked the entire company to dine with him at his Club had he
+ not been engaged. He then passed us on to his Subs. The latter
+ most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant.
+ <i>Châteaubriand</i> excellent, <i>Sole à la Normande</i>
+ decent, but <i>Potage à la bisque</i> too rich. Mistake to
+ order the latter, as one can never get it <i>really</i> good,
+ except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of '84.
+ However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you
+ know them, not half bad fellows!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Rather a head, and felt generally out
+ of sorts. Warned for Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so
+ called upon General Commanding District. Not at home, but was
+ asked would I see his <i>locum tenens</i>? Replied in the
+ negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't return to
+ barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at
+ Southend.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;Arrested and conveyed to the
+ Guard-room. Suppose I shall be released with a caution. At any
+ rate, for the present, diary confiscated.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206"
+ id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/206.png"
+ alt="THE GARDEN OF SLEEP." /></a>
+
+ <h3>THE GARDEN OF SLEEP;</h3>
+
+ <h4>OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!"</h4><i>Miss
+ India</i>. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT
+ 'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'"
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes
+ to keep,</p>
+
+ <p>Trade planted a Garden&mdash;a Garden of
+ Sleep;</p>
+
+ <p>'Neath the hot Eastern sky&mdash;in the place of
+ good corn&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>It is there that the baneful white Poppy is
+ born,&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of
+ delight,</p>
+
+ <p>Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in
+ sight.</p>
+
+ <p>Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth
+ to scorn</p>
+
+ <p>The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are
+ born.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are
+ spread,</p>
+
+ <p>Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head.</p>
+
+ <p>JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me
+ creep.</p>
+
+ <p>He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who
+ seek sleep!"</p>
+
+ <p>Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be;</p>
+
+ <p>But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you
+ see!</p>
+
+ <p>Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you
+ must;</p>
+
+ <p>But&mdash;you'll make up the money somehow, Sir,
+ I trust!"</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page207"
+ id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/207.png"
+ alt="WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION." /></a>
+
+ <h3>WANTED&mdash;A LOCAL HABITATION.</h3>
+
+ <h4>(<i>Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British
+ Art.</i>)</h4>
+
+ <p><i>English Art</i> (<i>to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te
+ and Agn-w</i>), "NOW, GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN
+ THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,&mdash;IT ONLY REMAINS FOR YOU TO
+ BUILD IT."</p>
+
+ <p>[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the
+ Government had assigned a site for the new Gallery of
+ Modern Art, as he thought it would be unwise to risk the
+ failure of the gift of £80,000 which had been offered to
+ erect a building.]</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE.</h2>
+
+ <p>In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the
+ statement that Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to
+ Mashonaland, is only going to take two books with
+ him&mdash;SHAKSPEARE and MOLIÈRE&mdash;an Inquiring
+ Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons
+ on this subject, and has received&mdash;so he says&mdash;the
+ following replies:&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>SIR,&mdash;You ask me what books I should take if I were
+ contemplating a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH
+ CHURCHILL. The question, in the abstract, and without reference
+ to my own personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt
+ human fallibility would, in the case you suppose, induce me to
+ take several volumes of my own <i>Gleanings</i> with
+ me,&mdash;not so much for their intrinsic merits, as because
+ perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native
+ African potentates. HOMER, too, <i>of course</i>. At my time of
+ life, however, I must be excused from grappling with any new
+ Continents, dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite
+ dark enough for me just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E.
+ GL-DST-NE.</p>
+
+ <p>SIR,&mdash;As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the
+ Dark Continent," and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there
+ seems to be no sufficient reason for my answering your
+ questions, or for your asking them. S-L-SB-RY.</p>
+
+ <p>SIR,&mdash;Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth
+ taking to Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of
+ last year's <i>Review of Reviews</i>, GENERAL BOOTH's
+ epoch-making volume, and&mdash;this is indispensable&mdash;SIR
+ C. D-LKE's invaluable <i>Problems of Greater Britain.</i> When
+ I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred best
+ books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought
+ the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances
+ prevented my presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T.
+ ST-D.</p>
+
+ <p>SIR,&mdash;I don't know much about books. I've just written
+ rather a good one on <i>Cricket</i>, and I think if I were
+ going to Africa I should take a supply. From all I've heard of
+ TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would enjoy the game; at any rate
+ TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and run without much
+ difficulty. W.G. GR-CE.</p>
+
+ <p>SIR,&mdash;Having consulted my relatives&mdash;also CAPTAIN
+ M-L-SW-RTH&mdash;as to whether there would be any impropriety
+ in giving a reply to your questions, I am happy to say that
+ they seem to think there would be none, but that on the
+ contrary it might even assist the takings at the Aquarium. I
+ may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central
+ Africa there is <i>only one book</i> I should dream of taking
+ with me. That would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London
+ County Council, since the joyful date of its advent on this
+ planet. Yours obediently, Z-o.</p>
+
+ <p>SIR,&mdash;The one book I should take with me to Africa
+ would be DR. PETERS' recent valuable work&mdash;<i>More Light
+ on Dark Africa</i>. I should give it to the Dwarfs. It would
+ make capital poisoned arrows. H.M. ST-NL-Y.</p>
+
+ <p>SIR,&mdash;The only book worth thinking about for such an
+ expedition as you mention would be STANLEY's <i>In Darkest
+ Africa</i>. Its Maps would be invaluable,&mdash;as presents for
+ a rival explorer, whom one might desire to mislead as to his
+ route. CARL P-T-RS.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>Mr. Herkomer and Mr. Pennell.</h3>
+
+ <p>PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the
+ engraver's purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON
+ ought to have written, in <i>Locksley Hall</i>, was&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the
+ Sun's."</p>
+
+ <p>He also comforts himself with the reflection that being
+ called over the coals in the <i>National Observer</i>, is one
+ of the PENNELL-ties of success.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208"
+ id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span>
+
+ <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless
+ Ibsenite</i>.)</h4>
+
+ <h3>No. III.&mdash;HEDDA GABLER.</h3>
+
+ <h4>ACT II.</h4>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is
+ afternoon</i>. HEDDA <i>stands loading a revolver in the
+ back Drawing-room.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>looking out, and shouting</i>). How do you
+ do, Judge? (<i>Aims at him.</i>) Mind yourself! [<i>She
+ fires.</i></p>
+
+ <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>entering</i>). What the devil! Do you
+ usually take pot-shots at casual visitors? [<i>Annoyed.</i></p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden.
+ It is my unconventional way of intimating that I am at home.
+ One does do these things in realistic dramas, you know. And I
+ was only aiming at the blue sky.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Brack</i>. Which accounts for the condition of my hat.
+ (<i>Exhibiting it.</i>) Look here&mdash;<i>riddled</i>!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored
+ with TESMAN. Everlastingly to be with a professional
+ person!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). Our excellent TESMAN
+ is certainly a bit of a bore. (<i>Looks searchingly at
+ her</i>.) What on earth made you marry him?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And
+ then I used TESMAN to take me home from parties; and we saw
+ this villa; and I said I liked it, and so did he; and so we
+ found some common ground, and here we are, do you see! And I
+ loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the villa now; and I do
+ feel the want of an entertaining companion so!</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:15%;">
+ <a href="images/208.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/208.png"
+ alt="'I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar.'" />
+ </a>"I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar."
+ </div>
+
+ <p><i>Brack</i>. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered
+ arrangement that I like. Let me be the third person in the
+ compartment&mdash;(<i>confidentially</i>)&mdash;the tried
+ friend, and, generally speaking, cock of the walk!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>audibly drawing in her breath</i>). I
+ cannot resist your polished way of putting things. We will
+ conclude a triple alliance. But hush!&mdash;here comes
+ TESMAN.</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[<i>Enter</i> GEORGE, <i>with a number of books under
+ his arm.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. Puff! I <i>am</i> hot, HEDDA. I've been
+ looking into LÖVBORG's new book. Wonderfully
+ thoughtful&mdash;confound him! But I must go and dress for your
+ party, Judge. [<i>He goes out.</i></p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics,
+ Judge. Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Brack</i>. H'm!</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[<i>A short pause; both look at one another, without
+ speaking. Enter</i> GEORGE, <i>in evening dress, with
+ gloves.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. It is afternoon, and your party is at
+ half-past seven&mdash;but I like to dress early. Fancy that!
+ And I am expecting LÖVBORG.</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[EJLERT LÖVBORG <i>comes in from the hall; he is worn
+ and pale, with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an
+ elegant perfectly new visiting-suit, and black
+ gloves.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. Welcome! (<i>Introduces him to</i> BRACK.)
+ Listen&mdash;I have got your new book, but I haven't read it
+ through yet.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i>. You needn't&mdash;it's rubbish. (<i>Takes a
+ packet of MSS. out.</i>) This <i>isn't</i>. It's in three
+ parts; the first about the civilising forces of the future, the
+ second about the future of the civilising forces, and the third
+ about the forces of the future civilisation. I thought I'd read
+ you a little of it this evening?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Brack and George</i> (<i>hastily</i>). Awfully nice of
+ you&mdash;but there's a little party this evening&mdash;so
+ sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs.
+ ELVSTED instead.</p>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. It would never have occurred to me to think
+ of such clever things! Are you going to oppose me for the
+ Professorship, eh?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>modestly</i>). No; I shall only triumph
+ over you in the popular judgment&mdash;that's all!</p>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the
+ back drawing-room and drink cold punch.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i>. Thanks&mdash;but I am a reformed character,
+ and have renounced cold punch&mdash;it is poison.</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[GEORGE <i>and</i> BRACK <i>go into the back-room and
+ drink punch, whilst</i> HEDDA <i>shows</i> LÖVBORG <i>a
+ photograph album in the front.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>slowly, in a low tone</i>). HEDDA GABLER!
+ how <i>could</i> you throw yourself away like this!&mdash;Oh,
+ is <i>that</i> the ORTLER Group? Beautiful!&mdash;Have you
+ forgotten how we used to sit on the settee together behind an
+ illustrated paper, and&mdash;yes, very picturesque
+ peaks&mdash;I told you all about how I had been on the
+ loose?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. Now, none of that, here! These are the
+ Dolomites.&mdash;Yes, I remember; it was a beautiful
+ fascinating Norwegian intimacy&mdash;but it's over now. See, we
+ spent a night in that little mountain village, TESMAN and
+ I!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i>. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that
+ delicious moment when you threatened to shoot me
+ down&mdash;(<i>tenderly</i>)&mdash;I do!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>carelessly</i>). Did I? I have done that to
+ so many people. But now all that is past, and you have found
+ the loveliest consolation in dear, good, little Mrs.
+ ELVSTED&mdash;ah, here she is! (<i>Enter</i> Mrs. ELVSTED.)
+ Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch.
+ Mr. LÖVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LÖVBORG,
+ GEORGE and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too
+ much if you once begin.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr.
+ LÖVBORG so&mdash;good gracious! <i>don't</i> make him drink
+ cold punch!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. You see, Mr. LÖVBORG, our dear little friend
+ can't <i>trust</i> you!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i>. So <i>that</i> is my comrade's faith in me!
+ (<i>Gloomily.</i>) <i>I</i>'ll show her if I am to be trusted
+ or not. (<i>He drinks a glass of punch</i>.) Now I'll go to the
+ Judge's party. I'll have another glass first. Your health,
+ THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the Sheriff's
+ health&mdash;<i>everybody's</i> health!</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[<i>He tries to get more punch.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>stopping him</i>). No more now. You are
+ going to a party, remember. [GEORGE <i>and</i> TESMAN <i>come
+ in from back-room.</i></p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg.</i> Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a
+ moment. Now I'm up again! (Mrs. E. <i>beams with delight</i>).
+ Judge, I'll come to your party, as you <i>are</i> so pressing,
+ and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the evening. I'll do all
+ in <i>my</i> power to make that party go!</p>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. No? fancy! that <i>will</i> be amusing!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures!
+ But Mr. LÖVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA
+ home!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, goodness, yes! (<i>In concealed
+ agony.</i>) Mr. LÖVBORG, I shan't go away till you do!</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[<i>The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop
+ is lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is</i> 7
+ A.M., <i>and</i> Mrs. ELVSTED <i>and</i> HEDDA <i>are
+ discovered sitting up, with rugs around them.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>wearily</i>). Seven in the morning, and
+ Mr. LÖVBORG not here to take me home <i>yet</i>! what
+ <i>can</i> he be doing?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>yawning</i>). Reading to TESMAN, with
+ vine-leaves in his hair, I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the
+ third part.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, do you <i>really</i> think so, HEDDA? Oh,
+ if I could but hope he was doing that!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. You silly little ninny! I should like to
+ scorch your hair off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. <i>goes. Enter</i>
+ GEORGE.</p>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. I'm a little late, eh? But we made
+ <i>such</i> a night of it. Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT
+ read his book to me&mdash;think of that! Astonishing book! Oh,
+ we really had great fun! I wish <i>I'd</i> written it. Pity
+ he's so irreclaimable.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage
+ of life than most people?</p>
+
+ <p><i>George</i>. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more
+ drunk than most people. But, altogether, it was what you might
+ almost call a Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to
+ have early coffee with some of these jolly chaps, and poor old
+ LÖVBORG dropped his precious manuscript in the mud, and I
+ picked it up&mdash;and here it is! Fancy if anything were to
+ happen to it! He never could write it again. <i>Wouldn't</i> it
+ be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it.</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[<i>He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes
+ out;</i> HEDDA <i>hides the packet as</i> BRACK
+ <i>enters.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>Brack</i>. <i>Another</i> early call, you see! My party
+ was such a singularly animated <i>soirée</i> that I haven't
+ undressed all night. Oh, it was the liveliest affair
+ conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, I tracked LÖVBORG
+ home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the house, and
+ cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling you
+ that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads
+ with a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the
+ police-station! You mustn't have him here any more. Remember
+ our little triple alliance!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>her smile fading away</i>). You are
+ certainly a dangerous person&mdash;but you must not get a hold
+ over me!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>ambiguously</i>). What an idea! But I
+ might&mdash;I am an insinuating dog. Good morning! [<i>Goes
+ out.</i></p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>bursting in, confused and excited</i>). I
+ suppose you've heard where <i>I've</i> been?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>evasively</i>). I heard you had a very
+ jolly party at Judge BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED <i>comes
+ in.</i></p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i>. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more
+ work. I've no use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your
+ Sheriff!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>agitated</i>). Never! I want to be with
+ you when your book comes out!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg</i>. It won't <i>come</i> out&mdash;I've torn it
+ up! (<i>Mrs. E. rushes out, wringing her hands</i>.) Mrs.
+ TESMAN, I told her a lie&mdash;but no
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page209"
+ id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> matter. I haven't torn my
+ book up&mdash;I've done worse! I've taken it about to
+ several parties, and it's been through a police-row with
+ me&mdash;now I've lost it. Even if I found it again, it
+ wouldn't be the same&mdash;not to me! I am a Norwegian
+ literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of it
+ altogether!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Hedda</i>. Quite so&mdash;but look here, you must do it
+ beautifully. I don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your
+ hair&mdash;but do it beautifully. (<i>Fetches pistol.</i>) See,
+ here is one of General GABLER's pistols&mdash;do it with
+ <i>that</i>!</p>
+
+ <p><i>Lövborg.</i> Thanks!</p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>[<i>He takes the pistol, and goes out through the
+ hall-door; as soon as he has gone</i>, HEDDA <i>brings out
+ the manuscript, and puts it on the fire, whispering to
+ herself, as Curtain falls.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE?</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>An Autobiographical Consideration of the Question, by
+ an Eminent Legal Authority.</i>)</h4>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:20%;">
+ <a href="images/209-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/209-1.png"
+ alt="Summing Up." /></a>Summing Up.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved
+ acknowledgment of my professional pre-eminence, I received,
+ some little while ago, the appointment of a
+ Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In performing the
+ duties of this important office, I sometimes have to incur
+ bodily risk&mdash;the more especially when I have to
+ distinguish between the rival claims of the political parties
+ that I am sorry to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the
+ antithesis of heaven upon earth. On the occasion to which I
+ particularly wish to refer, I was accompanied by my Wife, to my
+ secret annoyance, as I am afraid the Lady who does me the
+ honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of my safety,
+ and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special
+ reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been
+ greatly moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal,
+ whereby it seemed to me (and no doubt to many of my learned
+ friends) the custody of a wife by her husband had become an
+ empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt that if, by any means,
+ I could get this judgment set aside, I would not only confer
+ upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but, moreover,
+ as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction.
+ However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I
+ came to consider the best mode in which marital authority might
+ be assumed to raise the question of the right of <i>habeas
+ corpus</i>. I had returned to my room before the opening of the
+ Registration Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a
+ disturbed frame of mind. Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned
+ that political feeling was rising so high in the town that it
+ was possible that the Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might
+ be assaulted by either or both of the rival factions, had done
+ her best to dissuade me from taking my customary seat.</p>
+
+ <p>"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if
+ you are brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out.</p>
+
+ <p>I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my
+ succumbing to such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle
+ raised the presumption that the victim had been hunting, a
+ sport in which I seldom, I may say, never indulged. But this
+ explanation did not reassure her, and she left me in tears. Her
+ emotion caused me much pain, the more especially as my proposed
+ task seemed to me, under the circumstances, a species of
+ domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat down to
+ consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure
+ to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the
+ custody of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most
+ estimable old lady, with whom I have had many a pleasant and
+ exciting game of backgammon, seemed a right and proper person
+ to assist me in carrying out my project. But the objection
+ immediately occurred to me that it would be an exceedingly
+ difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from me unless I
+ desired her to take such a course. But if I made this request,
+ would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this
+ obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to
+ pay a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised,
+ seize and carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and
+ riding on the box, I could preserve my incognito until reaching
+ home, and then I might confine her in her own room with assumed
+ harshness, and possibly (of this I had some doubt) get her to
+ complain of her imprisonment. By keeping my Wife's domicile a
+ close secret, her mother would be induced to visit me to ask my
+ professional assistance in recovering her daughter. Thus
+ approached it would be possible to so advise the old lady that
+ in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court
+ under a writ of <i>habeas corpus</i>. Then would come my
+ opportunity. Of course I would produce my Wife, and having
+ carefully prepared my arguments, would deliver an oration that
+ would fill columns of the newspapers, and hand down my name to
+ generations to come as <i>the</i> authority on marital rights.
+ I saw in the near future wealth and restored domestic
+ happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock up my Wife.
+ And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for me to
+ walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain
+ necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat,
+ grasped the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I
+ could obtain no egress. I rang the bell&mdash;and instead of a
+ servant my Wife answered the summons. "The door is locked,
+ dear," I observed, "and as the key seems to be on the other
+ side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry to be
+ off."</p>
+
+ <p>"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not
+ going to get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision
+ Court."</p>
+
+ <p>"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of
+ authority I rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough
+ to open the door at once."</p>
+
+ <p>"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly.
+ "I locked you in, and I shan't let you out."</p>
+
+ <p>"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?"</p>
+
+ <p>"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or
+ think what you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as
+ sure as I am your lawfully wedded Wife."</p>
+
+ <p>And as a matter of fact I didn't!</p>
+
+ <p class="author">(<i>Signed.</i>) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Pump-handle Court.</i></p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:23%;">
+ <a href="images/209-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/209-2.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <p><i>Monday</i>.&mdash;To see MADAME ALBANI as <i>Violetta</i>
+ the consumptive heroine of "<i>La Traviata</i>." Charmingly
+ sung and admirably, nay, most touchingly, acted. MAUREL
+ excellent as <i>Germont Senior</i>, and MONTARIOL quite the
+ weak-minded masher <i>Alfredo</i>. What a different turn the
+ story might have taken had it occurred to <i>Violetta</i> to
+ have a flirtation with the handsome middle-aged <i>père
+ noble</i>! At one time it almost seemed as if there had been
+ some change in motive of the Opera since I last saw it, and
+ that the above original idea was about to be carried out. But
+ no; in another second <i>Germont-Maurel</i> as "Old Maurelity"
+ (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself together,
+ and <i>Albani-Violetta</i> was in the depths of remorseful
+ sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a
+ physician, unostentatiously styled <i>Il Dottore</i> (he would
+ probably be <i>Ill</i> Dottore the morning after) is present to
+ look after the health of the guests, and perhaps to "propose"
+ it, I noticed with pleasure that, on the tables, DRURIOLANUS
+ ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had placed bottles of
+ real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles. This
+ interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses
+ turned in the direction of the bottles&mdash;of course 'tis
+ opera-glasses I mean, yer honour,&mdash;in order to ascertain
+ what particular wanity was <i>La Traviata's</i> favourite; but
+ the bottles were so placed that only one unimportant word on
+ the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80 <i>très
+ sec</i>?&mdash;Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not
+ mentioned in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word.
+ But at all events, if the wine is one which requires
+ advertisement, the guests should be told to be very careful to
+ leave the bottles in the same position as in the old prefatial
+ stage-directions "the reader of the play" is supposed to be;
+ <i>i.e.</i>, "<i>on the stage, facing the audience</i>."</p>
+
+ <p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;<i>Rigoletto</i>. M. MAUREL as the
+ Jester; acting good, voice too loud. ALBANI, as <i>Gilda</i>,
+ overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's <i>Il Duca</i> is
+ <i>Alfredo</i> over again, only confirmed in a vicious career.
+ To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song,
+ "<i>La Donna e mobile</i>," a wonderful rendering is absolutely
+ essential, and somehow something seems wanting to the success
+ of <i>Rigoletto</i> when this song goes for nothing and is
+ passed without a rapturous "<i>bis, bis!</i>" which makes a
+ Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good
+ bis-ness."</p>
+
+ <p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<i>Lohengrin</i> I believe, but
+ wasn't there. Hope the Opera went all right without me. Can't
+ be in more places than one at the same moment. Same remarks
+ apply to Friday and Saturday.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE.</h3>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>To see her in <i>Our Daughters</i>! worth the
+ money!</p>
+
+ <p>She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny!</p>
+
+ <p>Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song,</p>
+
+ <p>We recognise thy talent <i>et ton</i>
+ "<i>ton</i>."</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play,"
+ SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient
+ Mariner, L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it
+ altogether!"</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210"
+ id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/210.png"
+ alt="WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO." /></a>
+
+ <h3>WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO.</h3>
+
+ <p>"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!"</p>
+
+ <p>"WHAT <i>IS</i> THE MATTER, ALGY?"</p>
+
+ <p>"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST
+ OF A PONY'S TROD ON MY TOE!"</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>HYMEN AND CUPID.</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>Fin-de-Siècle Version, some way after Moore.</i>)</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling,</p>
+
+ <p>Called at many a maiden's dwelling;</p>
+
+ <p>But he found too well they knew him;</p>
+
+ <p>None were prompter to pooh-pooh him.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">"Who'll buy my love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p>
+
+ <p>Soon as that old cry resounded.</p>
+
+ <p>How his baskets were surrounded!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Maidens mocked, with laughter dying,</p>
+
+ <p>Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying;</p>
+
+ <p>Dames, who once with him had sided,</p>
+
+ <p>Openly his wares derided.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">"Who'll buy my love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p>
+
+ <p>All at that old cry came flocking,</p>
+
+ <p>Mocking in a style quite shocking.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>"Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking</p>
+
+ <p>Some loose nooses of Law's making.</p>
+
+ <p>"Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em?</p>
+
+ <p>We have changed your queer old custom.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p>Women they bind not, nor tie men.</p>
+
+ <p>You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>"When the bargain is completed,</p>
+
+ <p>We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!'</p>
+
+ <p>And you'll find you're sold most sadly.</p>
+
+ <p>Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy <i>your</i> love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy <i>your</i> love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p>Burdens you would lay our backs on&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>Our reply is&mdash;TOLSTOI! JACKSON!"</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter</p>
+
+ <p>Was extinguished in the gutter.</p>
+
+ <p>"At my torch and crown of roses</p>
+
+ <p>These young minxes cock their noses.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p>
+
+ <p>What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion,</p>
+
+ <p>HYMEN's plainly out of fashion!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding,</p>
+
+ <p>Would have laughed but for good breeding.</p>
+
+ <p>"Best join <i>me</i>," he cried, "Old Chappie!</p>
+
+ <p>IBSEN read, be free, and happy!</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p>
+
+ <p>Have a spree&mdash;all shackles scorning,</p>
+
+ <p>Come! We won't go home till morning!'"</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>A BACONIAN THEORY;</h2>
+
+ <h3>OR, TRYING IT ON.</h3>
+
+ <p>SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether
+ Mrs. MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not.
+ "To fit or not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave
+ his decision after a fair trial of the two costumes&mdash;this
+ might be remembered on both sides as "the trying-on
+ case,"&mdash;that, according to the evidence of unimpeachable
+ witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense and
+ artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't
+ fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must
+ consider herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs.
+ MANLEY had, of course, undertaken to provide fits for her
+ customers, and for having partially failed, her customers
+ determined to return the compliment, by "giving <i>her</i>
+ fits" if possible. So the parties came before Judge BACON, and
+ appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge mindful of
+ ancestral Baconian wisdom, "<i>Cast a severe eye upon the
+ example</i>"&mdash;that is, he examined the dresses most
+ critically,&mdash;"<i>but a merciful eye upon the
+ person</i>,"&mdash;for the fair Plaintiff and fair Defendant
+ His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as
+ BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them
+ with his beany-diction. But, <i>pauca verba</i>,&mdash;and may
+ we always have nothing but praise to bestow on <i>Bacon's
+ Essays</i>.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>A DISCLAIMER.</h3>
+
+ <h4>(<i>By an Unionist.</i>)</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p><i>I</i> "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no!</p>
+
+ <p>There is no man I've hated so.</p>
+
+ <p>But, since he turned a fierce derider</p>
+
+ <p>Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;"</p>
+
+ <p>Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff,"</p>
+
+ <p>And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff;</p>
+
+ <p>Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT,</p>
+
+ <p>Half justified the Orange bigot;</p>
+
+ <p>Proved part of the <i>Times</i>' charge at
+ least,</p>
+
+ <p>And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>Since then&mdash;why, hang it, 'tis such fun,</p>
+
+ <p>I half forgive him all he's done;</p>
+
+ <p>I'll back him, bet on him, and grin;</p>
+
+ <p>Give him my vote, and hope he'll win.</p>
+
+ <p>But I <i>prefer</i> him? Goodness gracious!</p>
+
+ <p>Why <i>can't</i> Gladstonians be veracious?</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN
+ MASHONALAND.&mdash;"Play us none of your 'treks'!"</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211"
+ id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/211.png"
+ alt="HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE." /></a>
+
+ <h3>HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE.</h3>"MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH
+ LAUGHTER DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING."
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213"
+ id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:13%;">
+ <a href="images/213-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/213-1.png"
+ alt="MOLTKE in German-style script." /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <h3>HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE.</h3>
+
+ <h4><i>Born, October 26th, 1803. Died, April 24th</i>,
+ 1891.</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Shaped to such service of the
+ Fatherland</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">As seldom to one firm, unfailing
+ hand,</p>
+
+ <p>A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears</p>
+
+ <p>Bedew the most illustrious of biers!</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The waning century hastening to its
+ close</p>
+
+ <p>Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Hope of thy land, and terror of its
+ foes;</p>
+
+ <p>Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul!</p>
+
+ <p>War's greatness is not greatest; there are
+ heights</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce
+ may scale,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">But thou wert more than battle's scourge
+ and flail,</p>
+
+ <p>Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">As mould man's after-history. When thy
+ star</p>
+
+ <p>Shone clear at Koniggrätz, men gazed and knew</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The light that heralds the great Lords of
+ War;</p>
+
+ <p>And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew</p>
+
+ <p>And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">One shuddering gasp of agony and
+ sank,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">When thy long-mustered legions rank on
+ rank</p>
+
+ <p>Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love,</p>
+
+ <p>Then thy star culminated, shone above</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">All but the few fixed beacon-lights,
+ which owned</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">A new compeer. Long steadfastly
+ enthroned</p>
+
+ <p>In German hearts, and all men's reverence,</p>
+
+ <p>Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence,</p>
+
+ <p>To the great muster, full of years and fame!</p>
+
+ <p>How thinks <i>he</i>, lord of a co-equal name,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Thine ancient comrade in war's iron
+ lists,</p>
+
+ <p>Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three</p>
+
+ <p>Who led the Eagles on to victory?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Calmest of Captains, first of
+ Strategists.</p>
+
+ <p>BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier</p>
+
+ <p>With more than common grief in the unbidden
+ tear!</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>JOKIM AND JOHN.&mdash;The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is
+ following Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started
+ "No fees" for Play-time, and the former advocates "No fees" for
+ School-time.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:60%;">
+ <a href="images/213-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/213-2.png"
+ alt="A PROP OF THE DRAMA." /></a>
+
+ <h3>A PROP OF THE DRAMA.</h3>
+
+ <p>"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE,
+ THEN?"</p>
+
+ <p>"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND
+ STALLS AND BOXES, AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!&mdash;SO I
+ CAME AWAY."</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL.</h2>
+
+ <p>Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I
+ don't bleeve as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site
+ is to be seen in all the world, as is to be seen at these
+ anniwersary yearly festivals in our nobel Egipshun All at the
+ honoured Manshun House.</p>
+
+ <p>Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held
+ there when the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer
+ was there at all&mdash;for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but,
+ from what I've seen of some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I
+ should think as there werry peculyar style of dress was not
+ much sooted to such occashuns.</p>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:14%;">
+ <a href="images/213-3.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/213-3.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <p>I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this
+ speshal ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers
+ says, both for illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to
+ describe 'em, where on airth shoud I begin! But, as I must
+ begin sumwheres, I hopes as I shan't awake the biling jealousy
+ of all the other mothers present when I says as I gives the
+ Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef Eaters. As for the
+ number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings, they was so
+ numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter,
+ coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first
+ glimpse of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and
+ hansum LADY MARESS&mdash;who I should ha liked to ha seen
+ putting herself at the hed of them all, and leading em all
+ round the bewtifool All&mdash;had most kindly inwited a few
+ poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and plow
+ boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day
+ cum to be, if so be as they is all good.</p>
+
+ <p>There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of
+ the werry prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest
+ faces, as I shood most suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted
+ for to take my picter, but as I coudn't bleeve it was for my
+ bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't for my full heavening
+ dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I respekfully
+ declined.</p>
+
+ <p>It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own
+ Daughter, which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's
+ the HEMPEROR of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that
+ the werry loveliest site as the Grand Old Copperashun can
+ posserbly show him, will be a reppytishun of the glorious seen
+ as I seed with my own delited eyes on Wensdy last.</p>
+
+ <p class="author">ROBERT.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+ <p>"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of
+ Cricket are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good
+ stories. "My Early Cricket Days" will hugely interest young
+ would-be Willow-wielders. "Cricketers I have Met" is excellent
+ reading, the Champion being as generous in appreciation as keen
+ in judgment. On the science of the game he, of course, speaks
+ as one having authority. THACKERAY said he never saw a boy
+ without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for some
+ time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing
+ to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that
+ lots of other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act
+ upon it.</p>
+
+ <p>One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on
+ <i>Decorative Electricity</i>, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a
+ very pretty and original little book he found it, full of
+ suggestions, ingenious, fanciful, and practical, all at
+ once&mdash;a rare combination. "Those about to"
+ instal&mdash;and most of us will find ourselves in that
+ position, sooner or later&mdash;will gain some invaluable hints
+ and ideas from this volume, which, in addition to its other
+ merits, is charmingly illustrated. Before very long we shall
+ all be modern Aladdins, and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a
+ matter of course. But there is plenty of scope for imagination
+ in devising the form of his appearance, notwithstanding, and
+ Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the Genius may be compelled to
+ present himself in a variety of pleasing and fantastic
+ shapes.</p>
+
+ <p>The Baron is of opinion that <i>The Seal of Fate</i>, by
+ Lady POLLOCK and W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat
+ discursive novel. Will it be followed by <i>The Fate of the
+ Seal</i>, a tale of the Fishery Question?</p>
+
+ <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS &amp; Co.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214"
+ id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/214.png"
+ alt="LORD RANDOLPH&mdash;PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK." />
+ </a>
+
+ <h3>LORD RANDOLPH&mdash;PAST, PRESENT, AND TO
+ COME-BACK.</h3>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215"
+ id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span>
+
+ <h2>UPON AFRIC'S SHORE;</h2>
+
+ <h3>OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES.</h3>
+
+ <h4>(<i>Not by the Author of "The Battle of
+ Limerick</i>.")</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Ye lovers of the nation,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who burn with indignation,</p>
+
+ <p>And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Ye flouters of our factions,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And partisan distractions,</p>
+
+ <p>How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore?</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Ye've all heard of the Lion</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who a rival cast his eye on,</p>
+
+ <p>(You'll find him in <i>Bombastes</i>) and thought
+ the brute a bore.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Such rival Leos flourish,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And mutual hatred nourish,</p>
+
+ <p>With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's
+ shore.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Faith their manes are <i>always</i>
+ waving,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And their claws for contest craving,</p>
+
+ <p>And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever
+ at full roar,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And in book and morning paper,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">They still clapperclaw and caper,</p>
+
+ <p>And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's
+ shore.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">There was EMIN, sage pacific,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The serene and scientific,</p>
+
+ <p>Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot
+ bore,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who declared him weak, unmanly.</p>
+
+ <p>Oh! 'tis strange how heroes <i>can</i> lie about
+ Afric's shore.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Then BARTTELOT and TROUP,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">JEPHSON, JAMESON&mdash;a group</p>
+
+ <p>Who each of each "made soup"&mdash;off each other
+ tried to score;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And in many a verjuiced "vollum"</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column"</p>
+
+ <p>Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's
+ shore.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Then the "foreign element"</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">To it tooth and nail <i>they</i>
+ went,</p>
+
+ <p>And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than
+ before.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Now that man, and now this man,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN,</p>
+
+ <p>Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's
+ shore.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Now comes PETERS! He has slanged</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">STANLEY awfully, and banged</p>
+
+ <p>The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big
+ bore,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">When, with tempers hot as Indies,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Heroes smash each other's windies,</p>
+
+ <p>Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">It is doubtless "moighty fine,"</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Being what <i>Titmarsh</i> called "a
+ line,"</p>
+
+ <p>And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear
+ him roar;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">But 'tis folly to suppose</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">He <i>must</i> rush upon his foes,</p>
+
+ <p>And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.&mdash;When Mr. SMITH proposed
+ shutting up shop early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT
+ FOWLER was all for singing, "We won't go home till morning
+ (<i>three times</i>), Till daylight doth appear." But, as
+ <i>Falstaff</i> asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after
+ midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice,
+ and hie thee, armed <i>Night-cap-à-pie</i>, to thy couch. Don't
+ get up till morning, Till (long after) daylight doth
+ appear!</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:65%;">
+ <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/215.png"
+ alt="IBSEN IN BRIXTON." /></a>
+
+ <h3>IBSEN IN BRIXTON.</h3><i>Mrs. Harris</i>. "YES,
+ WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND I'M
+ NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!"
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>THE PARTY PETER BELL.</h3>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>A potterer, Sir, he was by trade,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">A Party Potterer, much respected,</p>
+
+ <p>And every year, when Spring appeared,</p>
+
+ <p>The yellow blooms, to bards endeared,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">In swarms by PETER were collected.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>He roved among the vales and streams,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">In the green wood and hollow dell,</p>
+
+ <p>And, upon April's nineteenth day,</p>
+
+ <p>Big buttonholers made display</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Upon the heart of PETER BELL.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>In vain through each succeeding year</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Did Nature mourn her lessening store.</p>
+
+ <p>A Primrose on the river's brim</p>
+
+ <p>A Party emblem was to him,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And it was nothing more!</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>DISINFECTING THE WIGS.&mdash;"<i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i>,"
+ which is filling the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night,
+ has much in it that is delightful. Perhaps there is nothing
+ quite excels the subtle touch in the programme where it is
+ written: "The theatre is disinfected by the Sanitas Company,
+ Limited. <i>The Wigs by Clarkson</i>."</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"&mdash;The <i>Evelyn</i> v.
+ <i>Hurlbert</i> trial was as full of literary interest as a
+ sale of old books and manuscripts. Specially valuable were
+ copies of <i>Evelyn's Diary</i>; while, in spite of the
+ pressing demand, <i>Murray's Memoirs</i> were uncommonly
+ scarce. Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he
+ will be, for some time, a "very much Murray'd man."</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>A SAVOY QUESTION.&mdash;The general idea of the forthcoming
+ new Opera at the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's
+ music." Is it to be a pantomime-drama, like <i>L'Enfant
+ Prodigue</i>, or simply a ballet? If neither, where do
+ song-words and dialogue come in?</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216"
+ id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span>
+
+ <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+ <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+ <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 20</i>.&mdash;The other
+ week T.C. BARING was sitting among us, one of the Members for
+ the City of London. Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS
+ GIBBS comes in to take his place. VICARY G. brought his father
+ down; watched him take oath and has undertaken generally to see
+ him through. In fact, when GIBBS <i>père</i> hesitated about
+ taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY undertook to
+ fill it; finally, GIBBS <i>père</i> being warmly pressed,
+ consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in
+ by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn.</p>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:27%;">
+ <a href="images/216-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/216-1.png"
+ alt="Late Member for the City." /></a>Late Member for
+ the City.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I
+ complimented him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout
+ these negotiations. "I always think that we young fellows lose
+ nothing by giving our elders a start. My father, you know,
+ sometime ago wanted to change the name of our firm. Suggested
+ it should be called SONS &amp; ANTONY GIBBS. There's something
+ in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they are.
+ ANTONY GIBBS &amp; SONS known all over the world; always
+ embarrassing to change style of an old firm; so, for the
+ present, at least, we leave things alone. Come along,
+ <i>Pater</i>; think I'll take you home now. Never rush wildly
+ into new engagements; you've had the excitement of being sworn
+ in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been in the
+ place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting
+ on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night.
+ By-and-by you shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in
+ Committee on Irish Land Bill."</p>
+
+ <p>So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss
+ much; grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing
+ experience of modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of
+ Queen Anne's Gate brings up amendment after amendment, and
+ makes successive speeches; SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto;
+ SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation by taking voluminous
+ notes which promise illimitable succession of orations; House
+ empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury Bench on
+ which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members
+ troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right
+ or left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere
+ drift of which two-thirds don't understand.</p>
+
+ <p>BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of
+ flare-up in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks
+ inspiration of contiguity to BRER FOX.</p>
+
+ <p>"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of
+ evening to BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through
+ Ireland. "He may ramp and roar here, but his game's up in
+ Ireland."</p>
+
+ <p>"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked.</p>
+
+ <p>TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved
+ right eye.</p>
+
+ <p>"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the
+ parson, who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had
+ ter be,' she said, choking a sob."</p>
+
+ <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Very little in the Irish Land
+ Bill.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting
+ gave only possible fillip to interminable Debate on Land
+ Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still away, so comparative peace reigns
+ in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to butt his head against;
+ COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of five men; showing
+ them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell rings, and
+ how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out through
+ one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look as
+ much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W.
+ RUSSELL&mdash;"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in
+ Temperance fights, WILFRID LAWSON, calls him&mdash;frequently
+ on his legs. At sound of his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up;
+ interposes interjections and corrections; and presently, when
+ he can stand it no longer, plunges into a speech.</p>
+
+ <p>Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said
+ Mr. G., who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that
+ the hon. and gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by
+ gross misstatements."</p>
+
+ <p>Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well,
+ grinding SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces
+ before the Lord STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping
+ peacefully together in the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the
+ Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up smilingly at the face in the
+ Gallery, which looks twice as wise when asleep as the ordinary
+ man does in full possession of his senses.</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:27%;">
+ <a href="images/216-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/216-2.png"
+ alt="'Roaring' Russell." /></a>"Roaring" Russell.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite
+ scorn, "that the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman
+ (meaning SAUNDERSON) is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is
+ sometimes unprofitable. In the exercise of the understanding
+ which the Almighty has given him, he has represented me as
+ being a supporter of this Bill."</p>
+
+ <p>Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of
+ emotion conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented,
+ invocation. An unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of
+ mingled feeling&mdash;pity for one so meagrely endowed, and
+ marvel that, out of boundless stores, the Deity could, even in
+ this instance, have been so chary of gifts.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Still less in Committee on Irish
+ Land Bill.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Rival shows in both Houses to-night.
+ Lords running the Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the
+ Commons Budget on. On the whole, Commons drew the fullest
+ House, to which JOKIM descanted for nearly three hours. If he'd
+ taken two, the speech would have been a third less long, and
+ three times as successful. Still the Budget comes but once a
+ year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make the
+ most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours.
+ Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all.
+ Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth
+ Estimates for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before
+ of the General; thought, at least, he must belong to the Army
+ Estimates. But JOKIM would have him in, spurs and epaulettes,
+ and all.</p>
+
+ <p>"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have
+ fallen off." JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what;
+ presumed to be his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had
+ enough of the mysterious warrior. But he was up again a few
+ minutes' later. "General STAMPS," JOKIM continued, in his airy
+ fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I reduce from £6,700,000
+ to £5,900,000."</p>
+
+ <p>"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral
+ FIELD, who is a terrible martinet.</p>
+
+ <p>But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered
+ along, bungling terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that
+ didn't help matters much. To have a Member in one part of the
+ House filling up an awkward pause by suggesting "dried fruit,"
+ another "coffee," a third "rum," and a fourth "probate duty,"
+ when after all, JOKIM was thinking of the Income Tax or General
+ STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance matters.</p>
+
+ <p>"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously,
+ looking round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in
+ lately. But that is exactly what the Committee didn't do.</p>
+
+ <p>"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you
+ read them in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House
+ mollified; still can't help thinking that if it is to wait till
+ next morning to read report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in
+ order to understand his statements, some preliminary time might
+ be saved in the evening.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Budget brought in.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury
+ Bench; looked in his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed,
+ by fire-place, with copy of <i>Morning Advertiser</i> in his
+ hand.</p>
+
+ <p>"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been
+ reading JOKIM's Budget Speech right through!" He certainly
+ looked as if he had.</p>
+
+ <p>"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader.
+ Haven't you seen what the <i>Morning Advertiser</i> says about
+ me? 'For the first time in our recollection he (that's me)
+ bears on his political escutcheon a deep smudge of dishonour':
+ and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take a penny off a barrel
+ of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits. It's the
+ injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr.
+ BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me."</p>
+
+ <p>"It <i>is</i> hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping
+ here. Come along into House; they're in Committee on the Land
+ Bill; an hour or two of that'll freshen you up." And it
+ did.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In Committee on the Irish Land
+ Bill.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+ whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+ description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+ accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+ Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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