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diff --git a/1414.txt b/1414.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9f51f1e --- /dev/null +++ b/1414.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2508 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Somebody's Luggage, by Charles Dickens + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Somebody's Luggage + + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: April 3, 2005 [eBook #1414] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE*** + + + + + +Transcribed from the 1894 Chapman and Hall "Christmas Stories" edition by +David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE + + +CHAPTER I--HIS LEAVING IT TILL CALLED FOR + + +The writer of these humble lines being a Waiter, and having come of a +family of Waiters, and owning at the present time five brothers who are +all Waiters, and likewise an only sister who is a Waitress, would wish to +offer a few words respecting his calling; first having the pleasure of +hereby in a friendly manner offering the Dedication of the same unto +_Joseph_, much respected Head Waiter at the Slamjam Coffee-house, London, +E.C., than which a individual more eminently deserving of the name of +man, or a more amenable honour to his own head and heart, whether +considered in the light of a Waiter or regarded as a human being, do not +exist. + +In case confusion should arise in the public mind (which it is open to +confusion on many subjects) respecting what is meant or implied by the +term Waiter, the present humble lines would wish to offer an explanation. +It may not be generally known that the person as goes out to wait is +_not_ a Waiter. It may not be generally known that the hand as is called +in extra, at the Freemasons' Tavern, or the London, or the Albion, or +otherwise, is _not_ a Waiter. Such hands may be took on for Public +Dinners by the bushel (and you may know them by their breathing with +difficulty when in attendance, and taking away the bottle ere yet it is +half out); but such are _not_ Waiters. For you cannot lay down the +tailoring, or the shoemaking, or the brokering, or the green-grocering, +or the pictorial-periodicalling, or the second-hand wardrobe, or the +small fancy businesses,--you cannot lay down those lines of life at your +will and pleasure by the half-day or evening, and take up Waitering. You +may suppose you can, but you cannot; or you may go so far as to say you +do, but you do not. Nor yet can you lay down the gentleman's-service +when stimulated by prolonged incompatibility on the part of Cooks (and +here it may be remarked that Cooking and Incompatibility will be mostly +found united), and take up Waitering. It has been ascertained that what +a gentleman will sit meek under, at home, he will not bear out of doors, +at the Slamjam or any similar establishment. Then, what is the inference +to be drawn respecting true Waitering? You must be bred to it. You must +be born to it. + +Would you know how born to it, Fair Reader,--if of the adorable female +sex? Then learn from the biographical experience of one that is a Waiter +in the sixty-first year of his age. + +You were conveyed,--ere yet your dawning powers were otherwise developed +than to harbour vacancy in your inside,--you were conveyed, by +surreptitious means, into a pantry adjoining the Admiral Nelson, Civic +and General Dining-Rooms, there to receive by stealth that healthful +sustenance which is the pride and boast of the British female +constitution. Your mother was married to your father (himself a distant +Waiter) in the profoundest secrecy; for a Waitress known to be married +would ruin the best of businesses,--it is the same as on the stage. Hence +your being smuggled into the pantry, and that--to add to the +infliction--by an unwilling grandmother. Under the combined influence of +the smells of roast and boiled, and soup, and gas, and malt liquors, you +partook of your earliest nourishment; your unwilling grandmother sitting +prepared to catch you when your mother was called and dropped you; your +grandmother's shawl ever ready to stifle your natural complainings; your +innocent mind surrounded by uncongenial cruets, dirty plates, +dish-covers, and cold gravy; your mother calling down the pipe for veals +and porks, instead of soothing you with nursery rhymes. Under these +untoward circumstances you were early weaned. Your unwilling +grandmother, ever growing more unwilling as your food assimilated less, +then contracted habits of shaking you till your system curdled, and your +food would not assimilate at all. At length she was no longer spared, +and could have been thankfully spared much sooner. When your brothers +began to appear in succession, your mother retired, left off her smart +dressing (she had previously been a smart dresser), and her dark ringlets +(which had previously been flowing), and haunted your father late of +nights, lying in wait for him, through all weathers, up the shabby court +which led to the back door of the Royal Old Dust-Bin (said to have been +so named by George the Fourth), where your father was Head. But the Dust- +Bin was going down then, and your father took but little,--excepting from +a liquid point of view. Your mother's object in those visits was of a +house-keeping character, and you was set on to whistle your father out. +Sometimes he came out, but generally not. Come or not come, however, all +that part of his existence which was unconnected with open Waitering was +kept a close secret, and was acknowledged by your mother to be a close +secret, and you and your mother flitted about the court, close secrets +both of you, and would scarcely have confessed under torture that you +know your father, or that your father had any name than Dick (which +wasn't his name, though he was never known by any other), or that he had +kith or kin or chick or child. Perhaps the attraction of this mystery, +combined with your father's having a damp compartment, to himself, behind +a leaky cistern, at the Dust-Bin,--a sort of a cellar compartment, with a +sink in it, and a smell, and a plate-rack, and a bottle-rack, and three +windows that didn't match each other or anything else, and no +daylight,--caused your young mind to feel convinced that you must grow up +to be a Waiter too; but you did feel convinced of it, and so did all your +brothers, down to your sister. Every one of you felt convinced that you +was born to the Waitering. At this stage of your career, what was your +feelings one day when your father came home to your mother in open broad +daylight,--of itself an act of Madness on the part of a Waiter,--and took +to his bed (leastwise, your mother and family's bed), with the statement +that his eyes were devilled kidneys. Physicians being in vain, your +father expired, after repeating at intervals for a day and a night, when +gleams of reason and old business fitfully illuminated his being, "Two +and two is five. And three is sixpence." Interred in the parochial +department of the neighbouring churchyard, and accompanied to the grave +by as many Waiters of long standing as could spare the morning time from +their soiled glasses (namely, one), your bereaved form was attired in a +white neckankecher, and you was took on from motives of benevolence at +The George and Gridiron, theatrical and supper. Here, supporting nature +on what you found in the plates (which was as it happened, and but too +often thoughtlessly, immersed in mustard), and on what you found in the +glasses (which rarely went beyond driblets and lemon), by night you +dropped asleep standing, till you was cuffed awake, and by day was set to +polishing every individual article in the coffee-room. Your couch being +sawdust; your counterpane being ashes of cigars. Here, frequently hiding +a heavy heart under the smart tie of your white neckankecher (or +correctly speaking lower down and more to the left), you picked up the +rudiments of knowledge from an extra, by the name of Bishops, and by +calling plate-washer, and gradually elevating your mind with chalk on the +back of the corner-box partition, until such time as you used the +inkstand when it was out of hand, attained to manhood, and to be the +Waiter that you find yourself. + +I could wish here to offer a few respectful words on behalf of the +calling so long the calling of myself and family, and the public interest +in which is but too often very limited. We are not generally understood. +No, we are not. Allowance enough is not made for us. For, say that we +ever show a little drooping listlessness of spirits, or what might be +termed indifference or apathy. Put it to yourself what would your own +state of mind be, if you was one of an enormous family every member of +which except you was always greedy, and in a hurry. Put it to yourself +that you was regularly replete with animal food at the slack hours of one +in the day and again at nine p.m., and that the repleter you was, the +more voracious all your fellow-creatures came in. Put it to yourself +that it was your business, when your digestion was well on, to take a +personal interest and sympathy in a hundred gentlemen fresh and fresh +(say, for the sake of argument, only a hundred), whose imaginations was +given up to grease and fat and gravy and melted butter, and abandoned to +questioning you about cuts of this, and dishes of that,--each of 'em +going on as if him and you and the bill of fare was alone in the world. +Then look what you are expected to know. You are never out, but they +seem to think you regularly attend everywhere. "What's this, +Christopher, that I hear about the smashed Excursion Train? How are they +doing at the Italian Opera, Christopher?" "Christopher, what are the +real particulars of this business at the Yorkshire Bank?" Similarly a +ministry gives me more trouble than it gives the Queen. As to Lord +Palmerston, the constant and wearing connection into which I have been +brought with his lordship during the last few years is deserving of a +pension. Then look at the Hypocrites we are made, and the lies (white, I +hope) that are forced upon us! Why must a sedentary-pursuited Waiter be +considered to be a judge of horseflesh, and to have a most tremendous +interest in horse-training and racing? Yet it would be half our little +incomes out of our pockets if we didn't take on to have those sporting +tastes. It is the same (inconceivable why!) with Farming. Shooting, +equally so. I am sure that so regular as the months of August, +September, and October come round, I am ashamed of myself in my own +private bosom for the way in which I make believe to care whether or not +the grouse is strong on the wing (much their wings, or drumsticks either, +signifies to me, uncooked!), and whether the partridges is plentiful +among the turnips, and whether the pheasants is shy or bold, or anything +else you please to mention. Yet you may see me, or any other Waiter of +my standing, holding on by the back of the box, and leaning over a +gentleman with his purse out and his bill before him, discussing these +points in a confidential tone of voice, as if my happiness in life +entirely depended on 'em. + +I have mentioned our little incomes. Look at the most unreasonable point +of all, and the point on which the greatest injustice is done us! Whether +it is owing to our always carrying so much change in our right-hand +trousers-pocket, and so many halfpence in our coat-tails, or whether it +is human nature (which I were loth to believe), what is meant by the +everlasting fable that Head Waiters is rich? How did that fable get into +circulation? Who first put it about, and what are the facts to establish +the unblushing statement? Come forth, thou slanderer, and refer the +public to the Waiter's will in Doctors' Commons supporting thy malignant +hiss! Yet this is so commonly dwelt upon--especially by the screws who +give Waiters the least--that denial is vain; and we are obliged, for our +credit's sake, to carry our heads as if we were going into a business, +when of the two we are much more likely to go into a union. There was +formerly a screw as frequented the Slamjam ere yet the present writer had +quitted that establishment on a question of tea-ing his assistant staff +out of his own pocket, which screw carried the taunt to its bitterest +height. Never soaring above threepence, and as often as not grovelling +on the earth a penny lower, he yet represented the present writer as a +large holder of Consols, a lender of money on mortgage, a Capitalist. He +has been overheard to dilate to other customers on the allegation that +the present writer put out thousands of pounds at interest in +Distilleries and Breweries. "Well, Christopher," he would say (having +grovelled his lowest on the earth, half a moment before), "looking out +for a House to open, eh? Can't find a business to be disposed of on a +scale as is up to your resources, humph?" To such a dizzy precipice of +falsehood has this misrepresentation taken wing, that the well-known and +highly-respected OLD CHARLES, long eminent at the West Country Hotel, and +by some considered the Father of the Waitering, found himself under the +obligation to fall into it through so many years that his own wife (for +he had an unbeknown old lady in that capacity towards himself) believed +it! And what was the consequence? When he was borne to his grave on the +shoulders of six picked Waiters, with six more for change, six more +acting as pall-bearers, all keeping step in a pouring shower without a +dry eye visible, and a concourse only inferior to Royalty, his pantry and +lodgings was equally ransacked high and low for property, and none was +found! How could it be found, when, beyond his last monthly collection +of walking-sticks, umbrellas, and pocket-handkerchiefs (which happened to +have been not yet disposed of, though he had ever been through life +punctual in clearing off his collections by the month), there was no +property existing? Such, however, is the force of this universal libel, +that the widow of Old Charles, at the present hour an inmate of the +Almshouses of the Cork-Cutters' Company, in Blue Anchor Road (identified +sitting at the door of one of 'em, in a clean cap and a Windsor +arm-chair, only last Monday), expects John's hoarded wealth to be found +hourly! Nay, ere yet he had succumbed to the grisly dart, and when his +portrait was painted in oils life-size, by subscription of the +frequenters of the West Country, to hang over the coffee-room chimney- +piece, there were not wanting those who contended that what is termed the +accessories of such a portrait ought to be the Bank of England out of +window, and a strong-box on the table. And but for better-regulated +minds contending for a bottle and screw and the attitude of drawing,--and +carrying their point,--it would have been so handed down to posterity. + +I am now brought to the title of the present remarks. Having, I hope +without offence to any quarter, offered such observations as I felt it my +duty to offer, in a free country which has ever dominated the seas, on +the general subject, I will now proceed to wait on the particular +question. + +At a momentous period of my life, when I was off, so far as concerned +notice given, with a House that shall be nameless,--for the question on +which I took my departing stand was a fixed charge for waiters, and no +House as commits itself to that eminently Un-English act of more than +foolishness and baseness shall be advertised by me,--I repeat, at a +momentous crisis, when I was off with a House too mean for mention, and +not yet on with that to which I have ever since had the honour of being +attached in the capacity of Head, {1} I was casting about what to do +next. Then it were that proposals were made to me on behalf of my +present establishment. Stipulations were necessary on my part, +emendations were necessary on my part: in the end, ratifications ensued +on both sides, and I entered on a new career. + +We are a bed business, and a coffee-room business. We are not a general +dining business, nor do we wish it. In consequence, when diners drop in, +we know what to give 'em as will keep 'em away another time. We are a +Private Room or Family business also; but Coffee-room principal. Me and +the Directory and the Writing Materials and cetrer occupy a place to +ourselves--a place fended of up a step or two at the end of the Coffee- +room, in what I call the good old-fashioned style. The good +old-fashioned style is, that whatever you want, down to a wafer, you must +be olely and solely dependent on the Head Waiter for. You must put +yourself a new-born Child into his hands. There is no other way in which +a business untinged with Continental Vice can be conducted. (It were +bootless to add, that if languages is required to be jabbered and English +is not good enough, both families and gentlemen had better go somewhere +else.) + +When I began to settle down in this right-principled and well-conducted +House, I noticed, under the bed in No. 24 B (which it is up a angle off +the staircase, and usually put off upon the lowly-minded), a heap of +things in a corner. I asked our Head Chambermaid in the course of the +day, + +"What are them things in 24 B?" + +To which she answered with a careless air, "Somebody's Luggage." + +Regarding her with a eye not free from severity, I says, "Whose Luggage?" + +Evading my eye, she replied, + +"Lor! How should _I_ know!" + +--Being, it may be right to mention, a female of some pertness, though +acquainted with her business. + +A Head Waiter must be either Head or Tail. He must be at one extremity +or the other of the social scale. He cannot be at the waist of it, or +anywhere else but the extremities. It is for him to decide which of the +extremities. + +On the eventful occasion under consideration, I give Mrs. Pratchett so +distinctly to understand my decision, that I broke her spirit as towards +myself, then and there, and for good. Let not inconsistency be suspected +on account of my mentioning Mrs. Pratchett as "Mrs.," and having formerly +remarked that a waitress must not be married. Readers are respectfully +requested to notice that Mrs. Pratchett was not a waitress, but a +chambermaid. Now a chambermaid _may_ be married; if Head, generally is +married,--or says so. It comes to the same thing as expressing what is +customary. (N.B. Mr. Pratchett is in Australia, and his address there is +"the Bush.") + +Having took Mrs. Pratchett down as many pegs as was essential to the +future happiness of all parties, I requested her to explain herself. + +"For instance," I says, to give her a little encouragement, "who is +Somebody?" + +"I give you my sacred honour, Mr. Christopher," answers Pratchett, "that +I haven't the faintest notion." + +But for the manner in which she settled her cap-strings, I should have +doubted this; but in respect of positiveness it was hardly to be +discriminated from an affidavit. + +"Then you never saw him?" I followed her up with. + +"Nor yet," said Mrs. Pratchett, shutting her eyes and making as if she +had just took a pill of unusual circumference,--which gave a remarkable +force to her denial,--"nor yet any servant in this house. All have been +changed, Mr. Christopher, within five year, and Somebody left his Luggage +here before then." + +Inquiry of Miss Martin yielded (in the language of the Bard of A.1.) +"confirmation strong." So it had really and truly happened. Miss Martin +is the young lady at the bar as makes out our bills; and though higher +than I could wish considering her station, is perfectly well-behaved. + +Farther investigations led to the disclosure that there was a bill +against this Luggage to the amount of two sixteen six. The Luggage had +been lying under the bedstead of 24 B over six year. The bedstead is a +four-poster, with a deal of old hanging and valance, and is, as I once +said, probably connected with more than 24 Bs,--which I remember my +hearers was pleased to laugh at, at the time. + +I don't know why,--when DO we know why?--but this Luggage laid heavy on +my mind. I fell a wondering about Somebody, and what he had got and been +up to. I couldn't satisfy my thoughts why he should leave so much +Luggage against so small a bill. For I had the Luggage out within a day +or two and turned it over, and the following were the items:--A black +portmanteau, a black bag, a desk, a dressing-case, a brown-paper parcel, +a hat-box, and an umbrella strapped to a walking-stick. It was all very +dusty and fluey. I had our porter up to get under the bed and fetch it +out; and though he habitually wallows in dust,--swims in it from morning +to night, and wears a close-fitting waistcoat with black calimanco +sleeves for the purpose,--it made him sneeze again, and his throat was +that hot with it that it was obliged to be cooled with a drink of +Allsopp's draft. + +The Luggage so got the better of me, that instead of having it put back +when it was well dusted and washed with a wet cloth,--previous to which +it was so covered with feathers that you might have thought it was +turning into poultry, and would by-and-by begin to Lay,--I say, instead +of having it put back, I had it carried into one of my places +down-stairs. There from time to time I stared at it and stared at it, +till it seemed to grow big and grow little, and come forward at me and +retreat again, and go through all manner of performances resembling +intoxication. When this had lasted weeks,--I may say months, and not be +far out,--I one day thought of asking Miss Martin for the particulars of +the Two sixteen six total. She was so obliging as to extract it from the +books,--it dating before her time,--and here follows a true copy: + +Coffee-Room. +1856. No. 4. Pounds s. d. +Feb. 2d, Pen and Paper 0 0 6 + Port Negus 0 2 0 + Ditto 0 2 0 + Pen and paper 0 0 6 + Tumbler broken 0 2 6 + Brandy 0 2 0 + Pen and paper 0 0 6 + Anchovy toast 0 2 6 + Pen and paper 0 0 6 + Bed 0 3 0 +Feb. 3d, Pen and paper 0 0 6 + Breakfast 0 2 6 + Broiled ham 0 2 0 + Eggs 0 1 0 + Watercresses 0 1 0 + Shrimps 0 1 0 + Pen and paper 0 0 6 + Blotting-paper 0 0 6 + Messenger to Paternoster + Row and back 0 1 6 + Again, when No Answer 0 1 6 + Brandy 2s., Devilled + Pork chop 2s. 0 4 0 + Pens and paper 0 1 0 + Messenger to Albemarle + Street and back 0 1 0 + Again (detained), when + No Answer 0 1 6 + Salt-cellar broken 0 3 6 + Large Liquour-glass + Orange Brandy 0 1 6 + Dinner, Soup, Fish, + Joint, and bird 0 7 6 + Bottle old East India + Brown 0 8 0 + Pen and paper 0 0 6 + Pounds 2 16 6 + +Mem.: January 1st, 1857. He went out after dinner, directing luggage to +be ready when he called for it. Never called. + +* * * * * + +So far from throwing a light upon the subject, this bill appeared to me, +if I may so express my doubts, to involve it in a yet more lurid halo. +Speculating it over with the Mistress, she informed me that the luggage +had been advertised in the Master's time as being to be sold after such +and such a day to pay expenses, but no farther steps had been taken. (I +may here remark, that the Mistress is a widow in her fourth year. The +Master was possessed of one of those unfortunate constitutions in which +Spirits turns to Water, and rises in the ill-starred Victim.) + +My speculating it over, not then only, but repeatedly, sometimes with the +Mistress, sometimes with one, sometimes with another, led up to the +Mistress's saying to me,--whether at first in joke or in earnest, or half +joke and half earnest, it matters not: + +"Christopher, I am going to make you a handsome offer." + +(If this should meet her eye,--a lovely blue,--may she not take it ill my +mentioning that if I had been eight or ten year younger, I would have +done as much by her! That is, I would have made her a offer. It is for +others than me to denominate it a handsome one.) + +"Christopher, I am going to make you a handsome offer." + +"Put a name to it, ma'am." + +"Look here, Christopher. Run over the articles of Somebody's Luggage. +You've got it all by heart, I know." + +"A black portmanteau, ma'am, a black bag, a desk, a dressing-case, a +brown-paper parcel, a hat-box, and an umbrella strapped to a +walking-stick." + +"All just as they were left. Nothing opened, nothing tampered with." + +"You are right, ma'am. All locked but the brown-paper parcel, and that +sealed." + +The Mistress was leaning on Miss Martin's desk at the bar-window, and she +taps the open book that lays upon the desk,--she has a pretty-made hand +to be sure,--and bobs her head over it and laughs. + +"Come," says she, "Christopher. Pay me Somebody's bill, and you shall +have Somebody's Luggage." + +I rather took to the idea from the first moment; but, + +"It mayn't be worth the money," I objected, seeming to hold back. + +"That's a Lottery," says the Mistress, folding her arms upon the book,--it +ain't her hands alone that's pretty made, the observation extends right +up her arms. "Won't you venture two pound sixteen shillings and sixpence +in the Lottery? Why, there's no blanks!" says the Mistress; laughing and +bobbing her head again, "you _must_ win. If you lose, you must win! All +prizes in this Lottery! Draw a blank, and remember, Gentlemen-Sportsmen, +you'll still be entitled to a black portmanteau, a black bag, a desk, a +dressing-case, a sheet of brown paper, a hat-box, and an umbrella +strapped to a walking-stick!" + +To make short of it, Miss Martin come round me, and Mrs. Pratchett come +round me, and the Mistress she was completely round me already, and all +the women in the house come round me, and if it had been Sixteen two +instead of Two sixteen, I should have thought myself well out of it. For +what can you do when they do come round you? + +So I paid the money--down--and such a laughing as there was among 'em! +But I turned the tables on 'em regularly, when I said: + +"My family-name is Blue-Beard. I'm going to open Somebody's Luggage all +alone in the Secret Chamber, and not a female eye catches sight of the +contents!" + +Whether I thought proper to have the firmness to keep to this, don't +signify, or whether any female eye, and if any, how many, was really +present when the opening of the Luggage came off. Somebody's Luggage is +the question at present: Nobody's eyes, nor yet noses. + +What I still look at most, in connection with that Luggage, is the +extraordinary quantity of writing-paper, and all written on! And not our +paper neither,--not the paper charged in the bill, for we know our +paper,--so he must have been always at it. And he had crumpled up this +writing of his, everywhere, in every part and parcel of his luggage. +There was writing in his dressing-case, writing in his boots, writing +among his shaving-tackle, writing in his hat-box, writing folded away +down among the very whalebones of his umbrella. + +His clothes wasn't bad, what there was of 'em. His dressing-case was +poor,--not a particle of silver stopper,--bottle apertures with nothing +in 'em, like empty little dog-kennels,--and a most searching description +of tooth-powder diffusing itself around, as under a deluded mistake that +all the chinks in the fittings was divisions in teeth. His clothes I +parted with, well enough, to a second-hand dealer not far from St. +Clement's Danes, in the Strand,--him as the officers in the Army mostly +dispose of their uniforms to, when hard pressed with debts of honour, if +I may judge from their coats and epaulets diversifying the window with +their backs towards the public. The same party bought in one lot the +portmanteau, the bag, the desk, the dressing-case, the hat-box, the +umbrella, strap, and walking-stick. On my remarking that I should have +thought those articles not quite in his line, he said: "No more ith a +man'th grandmother, Mithter Chrithtopher; but if any man will bring hith +grandmother here, and offer her at a fair trifle below what the'll feth +with good luck when the'th thcoured and turned--I'll buy her!" + +These transactions brought me home, and, indeed, more than home, for they +left a goodish profit on the original investment. And now there remained +the writings; and the writings I particular wish to bring under the +candid attention of the reader. + +I wish to do so without postponement, for this reason. That is to say, +namely, viz. i.e., as follows, thus:--Before I proceed to recount the +mental sufferings of which I became the prey in consequence of the +writings, and before following up that harrowing tale with a statement of +the wonderful and impressive catastrophe, as thrilling in its nature as +unlooked for in any other capacity, which crowned the ole and filled the +cup of unexpectedness to overflowing, the writings themselves ought to +stand forth to view. Therefore it is that they now come next. One word +to introduce them, and I lay down my pen (I hope, my unassuming pen) +until I take it up to trace the gloomy sequel of a mind with something on +it. + +He was a smeary writer, and wrote a dreadful bad hand. Utterly +regardless of ink, he lavished it on every undeserving object--on his +clothes, his desk, his hat, the handle of his tooth-brush, his umbrella. +Ink was found freely on the coffee-room carpet by No. 4 table, and two +blots was on his restless couch. A reference to the document I have +given entire will show that on the morning of the third of February, +eighteen fifty-six, he procured his no less than fifth pen and paper. To +whatever deplorable act of ungovernable composition he immolated those +materials obtained from the bar, there is no doubt that the fatal deed +was committed in bed, and that it left its evidences but too plainly, +long afterwards, upon the pillow-case. + +He had put no Heading to any of his writings. Alas! Was he likely to +have a Heading without a Head, and where was _his_ Head when he took such +things into it? In some cases, such as his Boots, he would appear to +have hid the writings; thereby involving his style in greater obscurity. +But his Boots was at least pairs,--and no two of his writings can put in +any claim to be so regarded. Here follows (not to give more specimens) +what was found in + + + + +CHAPTER II--HIS BOOTS + + +"Eh! well then, Monsieur Mutuel! What do I know, what can I say? I +assure you that he calls himself Monsieur The Englishman." + +"Pardon. But I think it is impossible," said Monsieur Mutuel,--a +spectacled, snuffy, stooping old gentleman in carpet shoes and a cloth +cap with a peaked shade, a loose blue frock-coat reaching to his heels, a +large limp white shirt-frill, and cravat to correspond,--that is to say, +white was the natural colour of his linen on Sundays, but it toned down +with the week. + +"It is," repeated Monsieur Mutuel, his amiable old walnut-shell +countenance very walnut-shelly indeed as he smiled and blinked in the +bright morning sunlight,--"it is, my cherished Madame Bouclet, I think, +impossible!" + +"Hey!" (with a little vexed cry and a great many tosses of her head.) +"But it is not impossible that you are a Pig!" retorted Madame Bouclet, a +compact little woman of thirty-five or so. "See then,--look there,--read! +'On the second floor Monsieur L'Anglais.' Is it not so?" + +"It is so," said Monsieur Mutuel. + +"Good. Continue your morning walk. Get out!" Madame Bouclet dismissed +him with a lively snap of her fingers. + +The morning walk of Monsieur Mutuel was in the brightest patch that the +sun made in the Grande Place of a dull old fortified French town. The +manner of his morning walk was with his hands crossed behind him; an +umbrella, in figure the express image of himself, always in one hand; a +snuffbox in the other. Thus, with the shuffling gait of the Elephant +(who really does deal with the very worst trousers-maker employed by the +Zoological world, and who appeared to have recommended him to Monsieur +Mutuel), the old gentleman sunned himself daily when sun was to be had--of +course, at the same time sunning a red ribbon at his button-hole; for was +he not an ancient Frenchman? + +Being told by one of the angelic sex to continue his morning walk and get +out, Monsieur Mutuel laughed a walnut-shell laugh, pulled off his cap at +arm's length with the hand that contained his snuffbox, kept it off for a +considerable period after he had parted from Madame Bouclet, and +continued his morning walk and got out, like a man of gallantry as he +was. + +The documentary evidence to which Madame Bouclet had referred Monsieur +Mutuel was the list of her lodgers, sweetly written forth by her own +Nephew and Bookkeeper, who held the pen of an Angel, and posted up at the +side of her gateway, for the information of the Police: "Au second, M. +L'Anglais, Proprietaire." On the second floor, Mr. The Englishman, man +of property. So it stood; nothing could be plainer. + +Madame Bouclet now traced the line with her forefinger, as it were to +confirm and settle herself in her parting snap at Monsieur Mutuel, and so +placing her right hand on her hip with a defiant air, as if nothing +should ever tempt her to unsnap that snap, strolled out into the Place to +glance up at the windows of Mr. The Englishman. That worthy happening to +be looking out of window at the moment, Madame Bouclet gave him a +graceful salutation with her head, looked to the right and looked to the +left to account to him for her being there, considered for a moment, like +one who accounted to herself for somebody she had expected not being +there, and reentered her own gateway. Madame Bouclet let all her house +giving on the Place in furnished flats or floors, and lived up the yard +behind in company with Monsieur Bouclet her husband (great at billiards), +an inherited brewing business, several fowls, two carts, a nephew, a +little dog in a big kennel, a grape-vine, a counting-house, four horses, +a married sister (with a share in the brewing business), the husband and +two children of the married sister, a parrot, a drum (performed on by the +little boy of the married sister), two billeted soldiers, a quantity of +pigeons, a fife (played by the nephew in a ravishing manner), several +domestics and supernumeraries, a perpetual flavour of coffee and soup, a +terrific range of artificial rocks and wooden precipices at least four +feet high, a small fountain, and half-a-dozen large sunflowers. + +Now the Englishman, in taking his Appartement,--or, as one might say on +our side of the Channel, his set of chambers,--had given his name, +correct to the letter, LANGLEY. But as he had a British way of not +opening his mouth very wide on foreign soil, except at meals, the Brewery +had been able to make nothing of it but L'Anglais. So Mr. The Englishman +he had become and he remained. + +"Never saw such a people!" muttered Mr. The Englishman, as he now looked +out of window. "Never did, in my life!" + +This was true enough, for he had never before been out of his own +country,--a right little island, a tight little island, a bright little +island, a show-fight little island, and full of merit of all sorts; but +not the whole round world. + +"These chaps," said Mr. The Englishman to himself, as his eye rolled over +the Place, sprinkled with military here and there, "are no more like +soldiers--" Nothing being sufficiently strong for the end of his +sentence, he left it unended. + +This again (from the point of view of his experience) was strictly +correct; for though there was a great agglomeration of soldiers in the +town and neighbouring country, you might have held a grand Review and +Field-day of them every one, and looked in vain among them all for a +soldier choking behind his foolish stock, or a soldier lamed by his ill- +fitting shoes, or a soldier deprived of the use of his limbs by straps +and buttons, or a soldier elaborately forced to be self-helpless in all +the small affairs of life. A swarm of brisk, bright, active, bustling, +handy, odd, skirmishing fellows, able to turn cleverly at anything, from +a siege to soup, from great guns to needles and thread, from the +broadsword exercise to slicing an onion, from making war to making +omelets, was all you would have found. + +What a swarm! From the Great Place under the eye of Mr. The Englishman, +where a few awkward squads from the last conscription were doing the +goose-step--some members of those squads still as to their bodies, in the +chrysalis peasant-state of Blouse, and only military butterflies as to +their regimentally-clothed legs--from the Great Place, away outside the +fortifications, and away for miles along the dusty roads, soldiers +swarmed. All day long, upon the grass-grown ramparts of the town, +practising soldiers trumpeted and bugled; all day long, down in angles of +dry trenches, practising soldiers drummed and drummed. Every forenoon, +soldiers burst out of the great barracks into the sandy gymnasium-ground +hard by, and flew over the wooden horse, and hung on to flying ropes, and +dangled upside-down between parallel bars, and shot themselves off wooden +platforms,--splashes, sparks, coruscations, showers of soldiers. At +every corner of the town-wall, every guard-house, every gateway, every +sentry-box, every drawbridge, every reedy ditch, and rushy dike, +soldiers, soldiers, soldiers. And the town being pretty well all wall, +guard-house, gateway, sentry-box, drawbridge, reedy ditch, and rushy +dike, the town was pretty well all soldiers. + +What would the sleepy old town have been without the soldiers, seeing +that even with them it had so overslept itself as to have slept its +echoes hoarse, its defensive bars and locks and bolts and chains all +rusty, and its ditches stagnant! From the days when VAUBAN engineered it +to that perplexing extent that to look at it was like being knocked on +the head with it, the stranger becoming stunned and stertorous under the +shock of its incomprehensibility,--from the days when VAUBAN made it the +express incorporation of every substantive and adjective in the art of +military engineering, and not only twisted you into it and twisted you +out of it, to the right, to the left, opposite, under here, over there, +in the dark, in the dirt, by the gateway, archway, covered way, dry way, +wet way, fosse, portcullis, drawbridge, sluice, squat tower, pierced +wall, and heavy battery, but likewise took a fortifying dive under the +neighbouring country, and came to the surface three or four miles off, +blowing out incomprehensible mounds and batteries among the quiet crops +of chicory and beet-root,--from those days to these the town had been +asleep, and dust and rust and must had settled on its drowsy Arsenals and +Magazines, and grass had grown up in its silent streets. + +On market-days alone, its Great Place suddenly leaped out of bed. On +market-days, some friendly enchanter struck his staff upon the stones of +the Great Place, and instantly arose the liveliest booths and stalls, and +sittings and standings, and a pleasant hum of chaffering and huckstering +from many hundreds of tongues, and a pleasant, though peculiar, blending +of colours,--white caps, blue blouses, and green vegetables,--and at last +the Knight destined for the adventure seemed to have come in earnest, and +all the Vaubanois sprang up awake. And now, by long, low-lying avenues +of trees, jolting in white-hooded donkey-cart, and on donkey-back, and in +tumbril and wagon, and cart and cabriolet, and afoot with barrow and +burden,--and along the dikes and ditches and canals, in little +peak-prowed country boats,--came peasant-men and women in flocks and +crowds, bringing articles for sale. And here you had boots and shoes, +and sweetmeats and stuffs to wear, and here (in the cool shade of the +Town-hall) you had milk and cream and butter and cheese, and here you had +fruits and onions and carrots, and all things needful for your soup, and +here you had poultry and flowers and protesting pigs, and here new +shovels, axes, spades, and bill-hooks for your farming work, and here +huge mounds of bread, and here your unground grain in sacks, and here +your children's dolls, and here the cake-seller, announcing his wares by +beat and roll of drum. And hark! fanfaronade of trumpets, and here into +the Great Place, resplendent in an open carriage, with four gorgeously- +attired servitors up behind, playing horns, drums, and cymbals, rolled +"the Daughter of a Physician" in massive golden chains and ear-rings, and +blue-feathered hat, shaded from the admiring sun by two immense umbrellas +of artificial roses, to dispense (from motives of philanthropy) that +small and pleasant dose which had cured so many thousands! Toothache, +earache, headache, heartache, stomach-ache, debility, nervousness, fits, +fainting, fever, ague, all equally cured by the small and pleasant dose +of the great Physician's great daughter! The process was this,--she, the +Daughter of a Physician, proprietress of the superb equipage you now +admired with its confirmatory blasts of trumpet, drum, and cymbal, told +you so: On the first day after taking the small and pleasant dose, you +would feel no particular influence beyond a most harmonious sensation of +indescribable and irresistible joy; on the second day you would be so +astonishingly better that you would think yourself changed into somebody +else; on the third day you would be entirely free from disorder, whatever +its nature and however long you had had it, and would seek out the +Physician's Daughter to throw yourself at her feet, kiss the hem of her +garment, and buy as many more of the small and pleasant doses as by the +sale of all your few effects you could obtain; but she would be +inaccessible,--gone for herbs to the Pyramids of Egypt,--and you would be +(though cured) reduced to despair! Thus would the Physician's Daughter +drive her trade (and briskly too), and thus would the buying and selling +and mingling of tongues and colours continue, until the changing +sunlight, leaving the Physician's Daughter in the shadow of high roofs, +admonished her to jolt out westward, with a departing effect of gleam and +glitter on the splendid equipage and brazen blast. And now the enchanter +struck his staff upon the stones of the Great Place once more, and down +went the booths, the sittings and standings, and vanished the +merchandise, and with it the barrows, donkeys, donkey-carts, and +tumbrils, and all other things on wheels and feet, except the slow +scavengers with unwieldy carts and meagre horses clearing up the rubbish, +assisted by the sleek town pigeons, better plumped out than on non-market +days. While there was yet an hour or two to wane before the autumn +sunset, the loiterer outside town-gate and drawbridge, and postern and +double-ditch, would see the last white-hooded cart lessening in the +avenue of lengthening shadows of trees, or the last country boat, paddled +by the last market-woman on her way home, showing black upon the +reddening, long, low, narrow dike between him and the mill; and as the +paddle-parted scum and weed closed over the boat's track, he might be +comfortably sure that its sluggish rest would be troubled no more until +next market-day. + +As it was not one of the Great Place's days for getting out of bed, when +Mr. The Englishman looked down at the young soldiers practising the goose- +step there, his mind was left at liberty to take a military turn. + +"These fellows are billeted everywhere about," said he; "and to see them +lighting the people's fires, boiling the people's pots, minding the +people's babies, rocking the people's cradles, washing the people's +greens, and making themselves generally useful, in every sort of +unmilitary way, is most ridiculous! Never saw such a set of +fellows,--never did in my life!" + +All perfectly true again. Was there not Private Valentine in that very +house, acting as sole housemaid, valet, cook, steward, and nurse, in the +family of his captain, Monsieur le Capitaine de la Cour,--cleaning the +floors, making the beds, doing the marketing, dressing the captain, +dressing the dinners, dressing the salads, and dressing the baby, all +with equal readiness? Or, to put him aside, he being in loyal attendance +on his Chief, was there not Private Hyppolite, billeted at the Perfumer's +two hundred yards off, who, when not on duty, volunteered to keep shop +while the fair Perfumeress stepped out to speak to a neighbour or so, and +laughingly sold soap with his war-sword girded on him? Was there not +Emile, billeted at the Clock-maker's, perpetually turning to of an +evening, with his coat off, winding up the stock? Was there not Eugene, +billeted at the Tinman's, cultivating, pipe in mouth, a garden four feet +square, for the Tinman, in the little court, behind the shop, and +extorting the fruits of the earth from the same, on his knees, with the +sweat of his brow? Not to multiply examples, was there not Baptiste, +billeted on the poor Water-carrier, at that very instant sitting on the +pavement in the sunlight, with his martial legs asunder, and one of the +Water-carrier's spare pails between them, which (to the delight and glory +of the heart of the Water-carrier coming across the Place from the +fountain, yoked and burdened) he was painting bright-green outside and +bright-red within? Or, to go no farther than the Barber's at the very +next door, was there not Corporal Theophile-- + +"No," said Mr. The Englishman, glancing down at the Barber's, "he is not +there at present. There's the child, though." + +A mere mite of a girl stood on the steps of the Barber's shop, looking +across the Place. A mere baby, one might call her, dressed in the close +white linen cap which small French country children wear (like the +children in Dutch pictures), and in a frock of homespun blue, that had no +shape except where it was tied round her little fat throat. So that, +being naturally short and round all over, she looked, behind, as if she +had been cut off at her natural waist, and had had her head neatly fitted +on it. + +"There's the child, though." + +To judge from the way in which the dimpled hand was rubbing the eyes, the +eyes had been closed in a nap, and were newly opened. But they seemed to +be looking so intently across the Place, that the Englishman looked in +the same direction. + +"O!" said he presently. "I thought as much. The Corporal's there." + +The Corporal, a smart figure of a man of thirty, perhaps a thought under +the middle size, but very neatly made,--a sunburnt Corporal with a brown +peaked beard,--faced about at the moment, addressing voluble words of +instruction to the squad in hand. Nothing was amiss or awry about the +Corporal. A lithe and nimble Corporal, quite complete, from the +sparkling dark eyes under his knowing uniform cap to his sparkling white +gaiters. The very image and presentment of a Corporal of his country's +army, in the line of his shoulders, the line of his waist, the broadest +line of his Bloomer trousers, and their narrowest line at the calf of his +leg. + +Mr. The Englishman looked on, and the child looked on, and the Corporal +looked on (but the last-named at his men), until the drill ended a few +minutes afterwards, and the military sprinkling dried up directly, and +was gone. Then said Mr. The Englishman to himself, "Look here! By +George!" And the Corporal, dancing towards the Barber's with his arms +wide open, caught up the child, held her over his head in a flying +attitude, caught her down again, kissed her, and made off with her into +the Barber's house. + +Now Mr. The Englishman had had a quarrel with his erring and disobedient +and disowned daughter, and there was a child in that case too. Had not +his daughter been a child, and had she not taken angel-flights above his +head as this child had flown above the Corporal's? + +"He's a "--National Participled--"fool!" said the Englishman, and shut +his window. + +But the windows of the house of Memory, and the windows of the house of +Mercy, are not so easily closed as windows of glass and wood. They fly +open unexpectedly; they rattle in the night; they must be nailed up. Mr. +The Englishman had tried nailing them, but had not driven the nails quite +home. So he passed but a disturbed evening and a worse night. + +By nature a good-tempered man? No; very little gentleness, confounding +the quality with weakness. Fierce and wrathful when crossed? Very, and +stupendously unreasonable. Moody? Exceedingly so. Vindictive? Well; +he had had scowling thoughts that he would formally curse his daughter, +as he had seen it done on the stage. But remembering that the real +Heaven is some paces removed from the mock one in the great chandelier of +the Theatre, he had given that up. + +And he had come abroad to be rid of his repudiated daughter for the rest +of his life. And here he was. + +At bottom, it was for this reason, more than for any other, that Mr. The +Englishman took it extremely ill that Corporal Theophile should be so +devoted to little Bebelle, the child at the Barber's shop. In an unlucky +moment he had chanced to say to himself, "Why, confound the fellow, he is +not her father!" There was a sharp sting in the speech which ran into +him suddenly, and put him in a worse mood. So he had National +Participled the unconscious Corporal with most hearty emphasis, and had +made up his mind to think no more about such a mountebank. + +But it came to pass that the Corporal was not to be dismissed. If he had +known the most delicate fibres of the Englishman's mind, instead of +knowing nothing on earth about him, and if he had been the most obstinate +Corporal in the Grand Army of France, instead of being the most obliging, +he could not have planted himself with more determined immovability plump +in the midst of all the Englishman's thoughts. Not only so, but he +seemed to be always in his view. Mr. The Englishman had but to look out +of window, to look upon the Corporal with little Bebelle. He had but to +go for a walk, and there was the Corporal walking with Bebelle. He had +but to come home again, disgusted, and the Corporal and Bebelle were at +home before him. If he looked out at his back windows early in the +morning, the Corporal was in the Barber's back yard, washing and dressing +and brushing Bebelle. If he took refuge at his front windows, the +Corporal brought his breakfast out into the Place, and shared it there +with Bebelle. Always Corporal and always Bebelle. Never Corporal +without Bebelle. Never Bebelle without Corporal. + +Mr. The Englishman was not particularly strong in the French language as +a means of oral communication, though he read it very well. It is with +languages as with people,--when you only know them by sight, you are apt +to mistake them; you must be on speaking terms before you can be said to +have established an acquaintance. + +For this reason, Mr. The Englishman had to gird up his loins considerably +before he could bring himself to the point of exchanging ideas with +Madame Bouclet on the subject of this Corporal and this Bebelle. But +Madame Bouclet looking in apologetically one morning to remark, that, O +Heaven! she was in a state of desolation because the lamp-maker had not +sent home that lamp confided to him to repair, but that truly he was a +lamp-maker against whom the whole world shrieked out, Mr. The Englishman +seized the occasion. + +"Madame, that baby--" + +"Pardon, monsieur. That lamp." + +"No, no, that little girl." + +"But, pardon!" said Madame Bonclet, angling for a clew, "one cannot light +a little girl, or send her to be repaired?" + +"The little girl--at the house of the barber." + +"Ah-h-h!" cried Madame Bouclet, suddenly catching the idea with her +delicate little line and rod. "Little Bebelle? Yes, yes, yes! And her +friend the Corporal? Yes, yes, yes, yes! So genteel of him,--is it +not?" + +"He is not--?" + +"Not at all; not at all! He is not one of her relations. Not at all!" + +"Why, then, he--" + +"Perfectly!" cried Madame Bouclet, "you are right, monsieur. It is so +genteel of him. The less relation, the more genteel. As you say." + +"Is she--?" + +"The child of the barber?" Madame Bouclet whisked up her skilful little +line and rod again. "Not at all, not at all! She is the child of--in a +word, of no one." + +"The wife of the barber, then--?" + +"Indubitably. As you say. The wife of the barber receives a small +stipend to take care of her. So much by the month. Eh, then! It is +without doubt very little, for we are all poor here." + +"You are not poor, madame." + +"As to my lodgers," replied Madame Bouclet, with a smiling and a gracious +bend of her head, "no. As to all things else, so-so." + +"You flatter me, madame." + +"Monsieur, it is you who flatter me in living here." + +Certain fishy gasps on Mr. The Englishman's part, denoting that he was +about to resume his subject under difficulties, Madame Bouclet observed +him closely, and whisked up her delicate line and rod again with +triumphant success. + +"O no, monsieur, certainly not. The wife of the barber is not cruel to +the poor child, but she is careless. Her health is delicate, and she +sits all day, looking out at window. Consequently, when the Corporal +first came, the poor little Bebelle was much neglected." + +"It is a curious--" began Mr. The Englishman. + +"Name? That Bebelle? Again you are right, monsieur. But it is a +playful name for Gabrielle." + +"And so the child is a mere fancy of the Corporal's?" said Mr. The +Englishman, in a gruffly disparaging tone of voice. + +"Eh, well!" returned Madame Bouclet, with a pleading shrug: "one must +love something. Human nature is weak." + +("Devilish weak," muttered the Englishman, in his own language.) + +"And the Corporal," pursued Madame Bouclet, "being billeted at the +barber's,--where he will probably remain a long time, for he is attached +to the General,--and finding the poor unowned child in need of being +loved, and finding himself in need of loving,--why, there you have it +all, you see!" + +Mr. The Englishman accepted this interpretation of the matter with an +indifferent grace, and observed to himself, in an injured manner, when he +was again alone: "I shouldn't mind it so much, if these people were not +such a"--National Participled--"sentimental people!" + +There was a Cemetery outside the town, and it happened ill for the +reputation of the Vaubanois, in this sentimental connection, that he took +a walk there that same afternoon. To be sure there were some wonderful +things in it (from the Englishman's point of view), and of a certainty in +all Britain you would have found nothing like it. Not to mention the +fanciful flourishes of hearts and crosses in wood and iron, that were +planted all over the place, making it look very like a Firework-ground, +where a most splendid pyrotechnic display might be expected after dark, +there were so many wreaths upon the graves, embroidered, as it might be, +"To my mother," "To my daughter," "To my father," "To my brother," "To my +sister," "To my friend," and those many wreaths were in so many stages of +elaboration and decay, from the wreath of yesterday, all fresh colour and +bright beads, to the wreath of last year, a poor mouldering wisp of +straw! There were so many little gardens and grottos made upon graves, +in so many tastes, with plants and shells and plaster figures and +porcelain pitchers, and so many odds and ends! There were so many +tributes of remembrance hanging up, not to be discriminated by the +closest inspection from little round waiters, whereon were depicted in +glowing lines either a lady or a gentleman with a white +pocket-handkerchief out of all proportion, leaning, in a state of the +most faultless mourning and most profound affliction, on the most +architectural and gorgeous urn! There were so many surviving wives who +had put their names on the tombs of their deceased husbands, with a blank +for the date of their own departure from this weary world; and there were +so many surviving husbands who had rendered the same homage to their +deceased wives; and out of the number there must have been so many who +had long ago married again! In fine, there was so much in the place that +would have seemed more frippery to a stranger, save for the consideration +that the lightest paper flower that lay upon the poorest heap of earth +was never touched by a rude hand, but perished there, a sacred thing! + +"Nothing of the solemnity of Death here," Mr. The Englishman had been +going to say, when this last consideration touched him with a mild +appeal, and on the whole he walked out without saying it. "But these +people are," he insisted, by way of compensation, when he was well +outside the gate, "they are so"--Participled--"sentimental!" + +His way back lay by the military gymnasium-ground. And there he passed +the Corporal glibly instructing young soldiers how to swing themselves +over rapid and deep watercourses on their way to Glory, by means of a +rope, and himself deftly plunging off a platform, and flying a hundred +feet or two, as an encouragement to them to begin. And there he also +passed, perched on a crowning eminence (probably the Corporal's careful +hands), the small Bebelle, with her round eyes wide open, surveying the +proceeding like a wondering sort of blue and white bird. + +"If that child was to die," this was his reflection as he turned his back +and went his way,--"and it would almost serve the fellow right for making +such a fool of himself,--I suppose we should have him sticking up a +wreath and a waiter in that fantastic burying-ground." + +Nevertheless, after another early morning or two of looking out of +window, he strolled down into the Place, when the Corporal and Bebelle +were walking there, and touching his hat to the Corporal (an immense +achievement), wished him Good-day. + +"Good-day, monsieur." + +"This is a rather pretty child you have here," said Mr. The Englishman, +taking her chin in his hand, and looking down into her astonished blue +eyes. + +"Monsieur, she is a very pretty child," returned the Corporal, with a +stress on his polite correction of the phrase. + +"And good?" said the Englishman. + +"And very good. Poor little thing!" + +"Hah!" The Englishman stooped down and patted her cheek, not without +awkwardness, as if he were going too far in his conciliation. "And what +is this medal round your neck, my little one?" + +Bebelle having no other reply on her lips than her chubby right fist, the +Corporal offered his services as interpreter. + +"Monsieur demands, what is this, Bebelle?" + +"It is the Holy Virgin," said Bebelle. + +"And who gave it you?" asked the Englishman. + +"Theophile." + +"And who is Theophile?" + +Bebelle broke into a laugh, laughed merrily and heartily, clapped her +chubby hands, and beat her little feet on the stone pavement of the +Place. + +"He doesn't know Theophile! Why, he doesn't know any one! He doesn't +know anything!" Then, sensible of a small solecism in her manners, +Bebelle twisted her right hand in a leg of the Corporal's Bloomer +trousers, and, laying her cheek against the place, kissed it. + +"Monsieur Theophile, I believe?" said the Englishman to the Corporal. + +"It is I, monsieur." + +"Permit me." Mr. The Englishman shook him heartily by the hand and +turned away. But he took it mighty ill that old Monsieur Mutuel in his +patch of sunlight, upon whom he came as he turned, should pull off his +cap to him with a look of pleased approval. And he muttered, in his own +tongue, as he returned the salutation, "Well, walnut-shell! And what +business is it of _yours_?" + +Mr. The Englishman went on for many weeks passing but disturbed evenings +and worse nights, and constantly experiencing that those aforesaid +windows in the houses of Memory and Mercy rattled after dark, and that he +had very imperfectly nailed them up. Likewise, he went on for many weeks +daily improving the acquaintance of the Corporal and Bebelle. That is to +say, he took Bebelle by the chin, and the Corporal by the hand, and +offered Bebelle sous and the Corporal cigars, and even got the length of +changing pipes with the Corporal and kissing Bebelle. But he did it all +in a shamefaced way, and always took it extremely ill that Monsieur +Mutuel in his patch of sunlight should note what he did. Whenever that +seemed to be the case, he always growled in his own tongue, "There you +are again, walnut-shell! What business is it of yours?" + +In a word, it had become the occupation of Mr. The Englishman's life to +look after the Corporal and little Bebelle, and to resent old Monsieur +Mutuel's looking after _him_. An occupation only varied by a fire in the +town one windy night, and much passing of water-buckets from hand to hand +(in which the Englishman rendered good service), and much beating of +drums,--when all of a sudden the Corporal disappeared. + +Next, all of a sudden, Bebelle disappeared. + +She had been visible a few days later than the Corporal,--sadly +deteriorated as to washing and brushing,--but she had not spoken when +addressed by Mr. The Englishman, and had looked scared and had run away. +And now it would seem that she had run away for good. And there lay the +Great Place under the windows, bare and barren. + +In his shamefaced and constrained way, Mr. The Englishman asked no +question of any one, but watched from his front windows and watched from +his back windows, and lingered about the Place, and peeped in at the +Barber's shop, and did all this and much more with a whistling and tune- +humming pretence of not missing anything, until one afternoon when +Monsieur Mutuel's patch of sunlight was in shadow, and when, according to +all rule and precedent, he had no right whatever to bring his red ribbon +out of doors, behold here he was, advancing with his cap already in his +hand twelve paces off! + +Mr. The Englishman had got as far into his usual objurgation as, "What bu- +si--" when he checked himself. + +"Ah, it is sad, it is sad! Helas, it is unhappy, it is sad!" Thus old +Monsieur Mutuel, shaking his gray head. + +"What busin--at least, I would say, what do you mean, Monsieur Mutuel?" + +"Our Corporal. Helas, our dear Corporal!" + +"What has happened to him?" + +"You have not heard?" + +"No." + +"At the fire. But he was so brave, so ready. Ah, too brave, too ready!" + +"May the Devil carry you away!" the Englishman broke in impatiently; "I +beg your pardon,--I mean me,--I am not accustomed to speak French,--go +on, will you?" + +"And a falling beam--" + +"Good God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "It was a private soldier who was +killed?" + +"No. A Corporal, the same Corporal, our dear Corporal. Beloved by all +his comrades. The funeral ceremony was touching,--penetrating. Monsieur +The Englishman, your eyes fill with tears." + +"What bu-si--" + +"Monsieur The Englishman, I honour those emotions. I salute you with +profound respect. I will not obtrude myself upon your noble heart." + +Monsieur Mutuel,--a gentleman in every thread of his cloudy linen, under +whose wrinkled hand every grain in the quarter of an ounce of poor snuff +in his poor little tin box became a gentleman's property,--Monsieur +Mutuel passed on, with his cap in his hand. + +"I little thought," said the Englishman, after walking for several +minutes, and more than once blowing his nose, "when I was looking round +that cemetery--I'll go there!" + +Straight he went there, and when he came within the gate he paused, +considering whether he should ask at the lodge for some direction to the +grave. But he was less than ever in a mood for asking questions, and he +thought, "I shall see something on it to know it by." + +In search of the Corporal's grave he went softly on, up this walk and +down that, peering in, among the crosses and hearts and columns and +obelisks and tombstones, for a recently disturbed spot. It troubled him +now to think how many dead there were in the cemetery,--he had not +thought them a tenth part so numerous before,--and after he had walked +and sought for some time, he said to himself, as he struck down a new +vista of tombs, "I might suppose that every one was dead but I." + +Not every one. A live child was lying on the ground asleep. Truly he +had found something on the Corporal's grave to know it by, and the +something was Bebelle. + +With such a loving will had the dead soldier's comrades worked at his +resting-place, that it was already a neat garden. On the green turf of +the garden Bebelle lay sleeping, with her cheek touching it. A plain, +unpainted little wooden Cross was planted in the turf, and her short arm +embraced this little Cross, as it had many a time embraced the Corporal's +neck. They had put a tiny flag (the flag of France) at his head, and a +laurel garland. + +Mr. The Englishman took off his hat, and stood for a while silent. Then, +covering his head again, he bent down on one knee, and softly roused the +child. + +"Bebelle! My little one!" + +Opening her eyes, on which the tears were still wet, Bebelle was at first +frightened; but seeing who it was, she suffered him to take her in his +arms, looking steadfastly at him. + +"You must not lie here, my little one. You must come with me." + +"No, no. I can't leave Theophile. I want the good dear Theophile." + +"We will go and seek him, Bebelle. We will go and look for him in +England. We will go and look for him at my daughter's, Bebelle." + +"Shall we find him there?" + +"We shall find the best part of him there. Come with me, poor forlorn +little one. Heaven is my witness," said the Englishman, in a low voice, +as, before he rose, he touched the turf above the gentle Corporal's +breast, "that I thankfully accept this trust!" + +It was a long way for the child to have come unaided. She was soon +asleep again, with her embrace transferred to the Englishman's neck. He +looked at her worn shoes, and her galled feet, and her tired face, and +believed that she had come there every day. + +He was leaving the grave with the slumbering Bebelle in his arms, when he +stopped, looked wistfully down at it, and looked wistfully at the other +graves around. "It is the innocent custom of the people," said Mr. The +Englishman, with hesitation. "I think I should like to do it. No one +sees." + +Careful not to wake Bebelle as he went, he repaired to the lodge where +such little tokens of remembrance were sold, and bought two wreaths. One, +blue and white and glistening silver, "To my friend;" one of a soberer +red and black and yellow, "To my friend." With these he went back to the +grave, and so down on one knee again. Touching the child's lips with the +brighter wreath, he guided her hand to hang it on the Cross; then hung +his own wreath there. After all, the wreaths were not far out of keeping +with the little garden. To my friend. To my friend. + +Mr. The Englishman took it very ill when he looked round a street corner +into the Great Place, carrying Bebelle in his arms, that old Mutuel +should be there airing his red ribbon. He took a world of pains to dodge +the worthy Mutuel, and devoted a surprising amount of time and trouble to +skulking into his own lodging like a man pursued by Justice. Safely +arrived there at last, he made Bebelle's toilet with as accurate a +remembrance as he could bring to bear upon that work of the way in which +he had often seen the poor Corporal make it, and having given her to eat +and drink, laid her down on his own bed. Then he slipped out into the +barber's shop, and after a brief interview with the barber's wife, and a +brief recourse to his purse and card-case, came back again with the whole +of Bebelle's personal property in such a very little bundle that it was +quite lost under his arm. + +As it was irreconcilable with his whole course and character that he +should carry Bebelle off in state, or receive any compliments or +congratulations on that feat, he devoted the next day to getting his two +portmanteaus out of the house by artfulness and stealth, and to +comporting himself in every particular as if he were going to run +away,--except, indeed, that he paid his few debts in the town, and +prepared a letter to leave for Madame Bouclet, enclosing a sufficient sum +of money in lieu of notice. A railway train would come through at +midnight, and by that train he would take away Bebelle to look for +Theophile in England and at his forgiven daughter's. + +At midnight, on a moonlight night, Mr. The Englishman came creeping forth +like a harmless assassin, with Bebelle on his breast instead of a dagger. +Quiet the Great Place, and quiet the never-stirring streets; closed the +cafes; huddled together motionless their billiard-balls; drowsy the guard +or sentinel on duty here and there; lulled for the time, by sleep, even +the insatiate appetite of the Office of Town-dues. + +Mr. The Englishman left the Place behind, and left the streets behind, +and left the civilian-inhabited town behind, and descended down among the +military works of Vauban, hemming all in. As the shadow of the first +heavy arch and postern fell upon him and was left behind, as the shadow +of the second heavy arch and postern fell upon him and was left behind, +as his hollow tramp over the first drawbridge was succeeded by a gentler +sound, as his hollow tramp over the second drawbridge was succeeded by a +gentler sound, as he overcame the stagnant ditches one by one, and passed +out where the flowing waters were and where the moonlight, so the dark +shades and the hollow sounds and the unwholesomely locked currents of his +soul were vanquished and set free. See to it, Vaubans of your own +hearts, who gird them in with triple walls and ditches, and with bolt and +chain and bar and lifted bridge,--raze those fortifications, and lay them +level with the all-absorbing dust, before the night cometh when no hand +can work! + +All went prosperously, and he got into an empty carriage in the train, +where he could lay Bebelle on the seat over against him, as on a couch, +and cover her from head to foot with his mantle. He had just drawn +himself up from perfecting this arrangement, and had just leaned back in +his own seat contemplating it with great satisfaction, when he became +aware of a curious appearance at the open carriage window,--a ghostly +little tin box floating up in the moonlight, and hovering there. + +He leaned forward, and put out his head. Down among the rails and wheels +and ashes, Monsieur Mutuel, red ribbon and all! + +"Excuse me, Monsieur The Englishman," said Monsieur Mutuel, holding up +his box at arm's length, the carriage being so high and he so low; "but I +shall reverence the little box for ever, if your so generous hand will +take a pinch from it at parting." + +Mr. The Englishman reached out of the window before complying, +and--without asking the old fellow what business it was of his--shook +hands and said, "Adieu! God bless you!" + +"And, Mr. The Englishman, God bless _you_!" cried Madame Bouclet, who was +also there among the rails and wheels and ashes. "And God will bless you +in the happiness of the protected child now with you. And God will bless +you in your own child at home. And God will bless you in your own +remembrances. And this from me!" + +He had barely time to catch a bouquet from her hand, when the train was +flying through the night. Round the paper that enfolded it was bravely +written (doubtless by the nephew who held the pen of an Angel), "Homage +to the friend of the friendless." + +"Not bad people, Bebelle!" said Mr. The Englishman, softly drawing the +mantle a little from her sleeping face, that he might kiss it, "though +they are so--" + +Too "sentimental" himself at the moment to be able to get out that word, +he added nothing but a sob, and travelled for some miles, through the +moonlight, with his hand before his eyes. + + + + +CHAPTER III--HIS BROWN-PAPER PARCEL + + +My works are well known. I am a young man in the Art line. You have +seen my works many a time, though it's fifty thousand to one if you have +seen me. You say you don't want to see me? You say your interest is in +my works, and not in me? Don't be too sure about that. Stop a bit. + +Let us have it down in black and white at the first go off, so that there +may be no unpleasantness or wrangling afterwards. And this is looked +over by a friend of mine, a ticket writer, that is up to literature. I +am a young man in the Art line--in the Fine-Art line. You have seen my +works over and over again, and you have been curious about me, and you +think you have seen me. Now, as a safe rule, you never have seen me, and +you never do see me, and you never will see me. I think that's plainly +put--and it's what knocks me over. + +If there's a blighted public character going, I am the party. + +It has been remarked by a certain (or an uncertain,) philosopher, that +the world knows nothing of its greatest men. He might have put it +plainer if he had thrown his eye in my direction. He might have put it, +that while the world knows something of them that apparently go in and +win, it knows nothing of them that really go in and don't win. There it +is again in another form--and that's what knocks me over. + +Not that it's only myself that suffers from injustice, but that I am more +alive to my own injuries than to any other man's. Being, as I have +mentioned, in the Fine-Art line, and not the Philanthropic line, I openly +admit it. As to company in injury, I have company enough. Who are you +passing every day at your Competitive Excruciations? The fortunate +candidates whose heads and livers you have turned upside down for life? +Not you. You are really passing the Crammers and Coaches. If your +principle is right, why don't you turn out to-morrow morning with the +keys of your cities on velvet cushions, your musicians playing, and your +flags flying, and read addresses to the Crammers and Coaches on your +bended knees, beseeching them to come out and govern you? Then, again, +as to your public business of all sorts, your Financial statements and +your Budgets; the Public knows much, truly, about the real doers of all +that! Your Nobles and Right Honourables are first-rate men? Yes, and so +is a goose a first-rate bird. But I'll tell you this about the +goose;--you'll find his natural flavour disappointing, without stuffing. + +Perhaps I am soured by not being popular? But suppose I AM popular. +Suppose my works never fail to attract. Suppose that, whether they are +exhibited by natural light or by artificial, they invariably draw the +public. Then no doubt they are preserved in some Collection? No, they +are not; they are not preserved in any Collection. Copyright? No, nor +yet copyright. Anyhow they must be somewhere? Wrong again, for they are +often nowhere. + +Says you, "At all events, you are in a moody state of mind, my friend." +My answer is, I have described myself as a public character with a blight +upon him--which fully accounts for the curdling of the milk in _that_ +cocoa-nut. + +Those that are acquainted with London are aware of a locality on the +Surrey side of the river Thames, called the Obelisk, or, more generally, +the Obstacle. Those that are not acquainted with London will also be +aware of it, now that I have named it. My lodging is not far from that +locality. I am a young man of that easy disposition, that I lie abed +till it's absolutely necessary to get up and earn something, and then I +lie abed again till I have spent it. + +It was on an occasion when I had had to turn to with a view to victuals, +that I found myself walking along the Waterloo Road, one evening after +dark, accompanied by an acquaintance and fellow-lodger in the gas-fitting +way of life. He is very good company, having worked at the theatres, +and, indeed, he has a theatrical turn himself, and wishes to be brought +out in the character of Othello; but whether on account of his regular +work always blacking his face and hands more or less, I cannot say. + +"Tom," he says, "what a mystery hangs over you!" + +"Yes, Mr. Click"--the rest of the house generally give him his name, as +being first, front, carpeted all over, his own furniture, and if not +mahogany, an out-and-out imitation--"yes, Mr. Click, a mystery does hang +over me." + +"Makes you low, you see, don't it?" says he, eyeing me sideways. + +"Why, yes, Mr. Click, there are circumstances connected with it that +have," I yielded to a sigh, "a lowering effect." + +"Gives you a touch of the misanthrope too, don't it?" says he. "Well, +I'll tell you what. If I was you, I'd shake it of." + +"If I was you, I would, Mr. Click; but, if you was me, you wouldn't." + +"Ah!" says he, "there's something in that." + +When we had walked a little further, he took it up again by touching me +on the chest. + +"You see, Tom, it seems to me as if, in the words of the poet who wrote +the domestic drama of The Stranger, you had a silent sorrow there." + +"I have, Mr. Click." + +"I hope, Tom," lowering his voice in a friendly way, "it isn't coining, +or smashing?" + +"No, Mr. Click. Don't be uneasy." + +"Nor yet forg--" Mr. Click checked himself, and added, "counterfeiting +anything, for instance?" + +"No, Mr. Click. I am lawfully in the Art line--Fine-Art line--but I can +say no more." + +"Ah! Under a species of star? A kind of malignant spell? A sort of a +gloomy destiny? A cankerworm pegging away at your vitals in secret, as +well as I make it out?" said Mr. Click, eyeing me with some admiration. + +I told Mr. Click that was about it, if we came to particulars; and I +thought he appeared rather proud of me. + +Our conversation had brought us to a crowd of people, the greater part +struggling for a front place from which to see something on the pavement, +which proved to be various designs executed in coloured chalks on the +pavement stones, lighted by two candles stuck in mud sconces. The +subjects consisted of a fine fresh salmon's head and shoulders, supposed +to have been recently sent home from the fishmonger's; a moonlight night +at sea (in a circle); dead game; scroll-work; the head of a hoary hermit +engaged in devout contemplation; the head of a pointer smoking a pipe; +and a cherubim, his flesh creased as in infancy, going on a horizontal +errand against the wind. All these subjects appeared to me to be +exquisitely done. + +On his knees on one side of this gallery, a shabby person of modest +appearance who shivered dreadfully (though it wasn't at all cold), was +engaged in blowing the chalk-dust off the moon, toning the outline of the +back of the hermit's head with a bit of leather, and fattening the down- +stroke of a letter or two in the writing. I have forgotten to mention +that writing formed a part of the composition, and that it also--as it +appeared to me--was exquisitely done. It ran as follows, in fine round +characters: "An honest man is the noblest work of God. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 +0. Pounds s. d. Employment in an office is humbly requested. Honour +the Queen. Hunger is a 0 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 sharp thorn. Chip chop, +cherry chop, fol de rol de ri do. Astronomy and mathematics. I do this +to support my family." + +Murmurs of admiration at the exceeding beauty of this performance went +about among the crowd. The artist, having finished his touching (and +having spoilt those places), took his seat on the pavement, with his +knees crouched up very nigh his chin; and halfpence began to rattle in. + +"A pity to see a man of that talent brought so low; ain't it?" said one +of the crowd to me. + +"What he might have done in the coach-painting, or house-decorating!" +said another man, who took up the first speaker because I did not. + +"Why, he writes--alone--like the Lord Chancellor!" said another man. + +"Better," said another. "I know his writing. He couldn't support his +family this way." + +Then, a woman noticed the natural fluffiness of the hermit's hair, and +another woman, her friend, mentioned of the salmon's gills that you could +almost see him gasp. Then, an elderly country gentleman stepped forward +and asked the modest man how he executed his work? And the modest man +took some scraps of brown paper with colours in 'em out of his pockets, +and showed them. Then a fair-complexioned donkey, with sandy hair and +spectacles, asked if the hermit was a portrait? To which the modest man, +casting a sorrowful glance upon it, replied that it was, to a certain +extent, a recollection of his father. This caused a boy to yelp out, "Is +the Pinter a smoking the pipe your mother?" who was immediately shoved +out of view by a sympathetic carpenter with his basket of tools at his +back. + +At every fresh question or remark the crowd leaned forward more eagerly, +and dropped the halfpence more freely, and the modest man gathered them +up more meekly. At last, another elderly gentleman came to the front, +and gave the artist his card, to come to his office to-morrow, and get +some copying to do. The card was accompanied by sixpence, and the artist +was profoundly grateful, and, before he put the card in his hat, read it +several times by the light of his candles to fix the address well in his +mind, in case he should lose it. The crowd was deeply interested by this +last incident, and a man in the second row with a gruff voice growled to +the artist, "You've got a chance in life now, ain't you?" The artist +answered (sniffing in a very low-spirited way, however), "I'm thankful to +hope so." Upon which there was a general chorus of "You are all right," +and the halfpence slackened very decidedly. + +I felt myself pulled away by the arm, and Mr. Click and I stood alone at +the corner of the next crossing. + +"Why, Tom," said Mr. Click, "what a horrid expression of face you've +got!" + +"Have I?" says I. + +"Have you?" says Mr. Click. "Why, you looked as if you would have his +blood." + +"Whose blood?" + +"The artist's." + +"The artist's?" I repeated. And I laughed, frantically, wildly, +gloomily, incoherently, disagreeably. I am sensible that I did. I know +I did. + +Mr. Click stared at me in a scared sort of a way, but said nothing until +we had walked a street's length. He then stopped short, and said, with +excitement on the part of his forefinger: + +"Thomas, I find it necessary to be plain with you. I don't like the +envious man. I have identified the cankerworm that's pegging away at +_your_ vitals, and it's envy, Thomas." + +"Is it?" says I. + +"Yes, it is," says be. "Thomas, beware of envy. It is the green-eyed +monster which never did and never will improve each shining hour, but +quite the reverse. I dread the envious man, Thomas. I confess that I am +afraid of the envious man, when he is so envious as you are. Whilst you +contemplated the works of a gifted rival, and whilst you heard that +rival's praises, and especially whilst you met his humble glance as he +put that card away, your countenance was so malevolent as to be terrific. +Thomas, I have heard of the envy of them that follows the Fine-Art line, +but I never believed it could be what yours is. I wish you well, but I +take my leave of you. And if you should ever got into trouble through +knifeing--or say, garotting--a brother artist, as I believe you will, +don't call me to character, Thomas, or I shall be forced to injure your +case." + +Mr. Click parted from me with those words, and we broke off our +acquaintance. + +I became enamoured. Her name was Henrietta. Contending with my easy +disposition, I frequently got up to go after her. She also dwelt in the +neighbourhood of the Obstacle, and I did fondly hope that no other would +interpose in the way of our union. + +To say that Henrietta was volatile is but to say that she was woman. To +say that she was in the bonnet-trimming is feebly to express the taste +which reigned predominant in her own. + +She consented to walk with me. Let me do her the justice to say that she +did so upon trial. "I am not," said Henrietta, "as yet prepared to +regard you, Thomas, in any other light than as a friend; but as a friend +I am willing to walk with you, on the understanding that softer +sentiments may flow." + +We walked. + +Under the influence of Henrietta's beguilements, I now got out of bed +daily. I pursued my calling with an industry before unknown, and it +cannot fail to have been observed at that period, by those most familiar +with the streets of London, that there was a larger supply. But hold! +The time is not yet come! + +One evening in October I was walking with Henrietta, enjoying the cool +breezes wafted over Vauxhall Bridge. After several slow turns, Henrietta +gaped frequently (so inseparable from woman is the love of excitement), +and said, "Let's go home by Grosvenor Place, Piccadilly, and +Waterloo"--localities, I may state for the information of the stranger +and the foreigner, well known in London, and the last a Bridge. + +"No. Not by Piccadilly, Henrietta," said I. + +"And why not Piccadilly, for goodness' sake?" said Henrietta. + +Could I tell her? Could I confess to the gloomy presentiment that +overshadowed me? Could I make myself intelligible to her? No. + +"I don't like Piccadilly, Henrietta." + +"But I do," said she. "It's dark now, and the long rows of lamps in +Piccadilly after dark are beautiful. I _will_ go to Piccadilly!" + +Of course we went. It was a pleasant night, and there were numbers of +people in the streets. It was a brisk night, but not too cold, and not +damp. Let me darkly observe, it was the best of all nights--FOR THE +PURPOSE. + +As we passed the garden wall of the Royal Palace, going up Grosvenor +Place, Henrietta murmured: + +"I wish I was a Queen!" + +"Why so, Henrietta?" + +"I would make _you_ Something," said she, and crossed her two hands on my +arm, and turned away her head. + +Judging from this that the softer sentiments alluded to above had begun +to flow, I adapted my conduct to that belief. Thus happily we passed on +into the detested thoroughfare of Piccadilly. On the right of that +thoroughfare is a row of trees, the railing of the Green Park, and a fine +broad eligible piece of pavement. + +"Oh my!" cried Henrietta presently. "There's been an accident!" + +I looked to the left, and said, "Where, Henrietta?" + +"Not there, stupid!" said she. "Over by the Park railings. Where the +crowd is. Oh no, it's not an accident, it's something else to look at! +What's them lights?" + +She referred to two lights twinkling low amongst the legs of the +assemblage: two candles on the pavement. + +"Oh, do come along!" cried Henrietta, skipping across the road with me. I +hung back, but in vain. "Do let's look!" + +Again, designs upon the pavement. Centre compartment, Mount Vesuvius +going it (in a circle), supported by four oval compartments, severally +representing a ship in heavy weather, a shoulder of mutton attended by +two cucumbers, a golden harvest with distant cottage of proprietor, and a +knife and fork after nature; above the centre compartment a bunch of +grapes, and over the whole a rainbow. The whole, as it appeared to me, +exquisitely done. + +The person in attendance on these works of art was in all respects, +shabbiness excepted, unlike the former personage. His whole appearance +and manner denoted briskness. Though threadbare, he expressed to the +crowd that poverty had not subdued his spirit, or tinged with any sense +of shame this honest effort to turn his talents to some account. The +writing which formed a part of his composition was conceived in a +similarly cheerful tone. It breathed the following sentiments: "The +writer is poor, but not despondent. To a British 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 +Public he Pounds s. d. appeals. Honour to our brave Army! And also 0 9 +8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 to our gallant Navy. BRITONS STRIKE the A B C D E F G +writer in common chalks would be grateful for any suitable employment +HOME! HURRAH!" The whole of this writing appeared to me to be +exquisitely done. + +But this man, in one respect like the last, though seemingly hard at it +with a great show of brown paper and rubbers, was only really fattening +the down-stroke of a letter here and there, or blowing the loose chalk +off the rainbow, or toning the outside edge of the shoulder of mutton. +Though he did this with the greatest confidence, he did it (as it struck +me) in so ignorant a manner, and so spoilt everything he touched, that +when he began upon the purple smoke from the chimney of the distant +cottage of the proprietor of the golden harvest (which smoke was +beautifully soft), I found myself saying aloud, without considering of +it: + +"Let that alone, will you?" + +"Halloa!" said the man next me in the crowd, jerking me roughly from him +with his elbow, "why didn't you send a telegram? If we had known you was +coming, we'd have provided something better for you. You understand the +man's work better than he does himself, don't you? Have you made your +will? You're too clever to live long." + +"Don't be hard upon the gentleman, sir," said the person in attendance on +the works of art, with a twinkle in his eye as he looked at me; "he may +chance to be an artist himself. If so, sir, he will have a +fellow-feeling with me, sir, when I"--he adapted his action to his words +as he went on, and gave a smart slap of his hands between each touch, +working himself all the time about and about the composition--"when I +lighten the bloom of my grapes--shade off the orange in my rainbow--dot +the i of my Britons--throw a yellow light into my cow-cum-_ber_--insinuate +another morsel of fat into my shoulder of mutton--dart another zigzag +flash of lightning at my ship in distress!" + +He seemed to do this so neatly, and was so nimble about it, that the +halfpence came flying in. + +"Thanks, generous public, thanks!" said the professor. "You will +stimulate me to further exertions. My name will be found in the list of +British Painters yet. I shall do better than this, with encouragement. I +shall indeed." + +"You never can do better than that bunch of grapes," said Henrietta. "Oh, +Thomas, them grapes!" + +"Not better than _that_, lady? I hope for the time when I shall paint +anything but your own bright eyes and lips equal to life." + +"(Thomas, did you ever?) But it must take a long time, sir," said +Henrietta, blushing, "to paint equal to that." + +"I was prenticed to it, miss," said the young man, smartly touching up +the composition--"prenticed to it in the caves of Spain and Portingale, +ever so long and two year over." + +There was a laugh from the crowd; and a new man who had worked himself in +next me, said, "He's a smart chap, too; ain't he?" + +"And what a eye!" exclaimed Henrietta softly. + +"Ah! He need have a eye," said the man. + +"Ah! He just need," was murmured among the crowd. + +"He couldn't come that 'ere burning mountain without a eye," said the +man. He had got himself accepted as an authority, somehow, and everybody +looked at his finger as it pointed out Vesuvius. "To come that effect in +a general illumination would require a eye; but to come it with two +dips--why, it's enough to blind him!" + +That impostor, pretending not to have heard what was said, now winked to +any extent with both eyes at once, as if the strain upon his sight was +too much, and threw back his long hair--it was very long--as if to cool +his fevered brow. I was watching him doing it, when Henrietta suddenly +whispered, "Oh, Thomas, how horrid you look!" and pulled me out by the +arm. + +Remembering Mr. Click's words, I was confused when I retorted, "What do +you mean by horrid?" + +"Oh gracious! Why, you looked," said Henrietta, "as if you would have +his blood." + +I was going to answer, "So I would, for twopence--from his nose," when I +checked myself and remained silent. + +We returned home in silence. Every step of the way, the softer +sentiments that had flowed, ebbed twenty mile an hour. Adapting my +conduct to the ebbing, as I had done to the flowing, I let my arm drop +limp, so as she could scarcely keep hold of it, and I wished her such a +cold good-night at parting, that I keep within the bounds of truth when I +characterise it as a Rasper. + +In the course of the next day I received the following document: + + "Henrietta informs Thomas that my eyes are open to you. I must ever + wish you well, but walking and us is separated by an unfarmable abyss. + One so malignant to superiority--Oh that look at him!--can never never + conduct + + HENRIETTA + + P.S.--To the altar." + +Yielding to the easiness of my disposition, I went to bed for a week, +after receiving this letter. During the whole of such time, London was +bereft of the usual fruits of my labour. When I resumed it, I found that +Henrietta was married to the artist of Piccadilly. + +Did I say to the artist? What fell words were those, expressive of what +a galling hollowness, of what a bitter mockery! I--I--I--am the artist. +I was the real artist of Piccadilly, I was the real artist of the +Waterloo Road, I am the only artist of all those pavement-subjects which +daily and nightly arouse your admiration. I do 'em, and I let 'em out. +The man you behold with the papers of chalks and the rubbers, touching up +the down-strokes of the writing and shading off the salmon, the man you +give the credit to, the man you give the money to, hires--yes! and I live +to tell it!--hires those works of art of me, and brings nothing to 'em +but the candles. + +Such is genius in a commercial country. I am not up to the shivering, I +am not up to the liveliness, I am not up to the wanting-employment-in-an- +office move; I am only up to originating and executing the work. In +consequence of which you never see me; you think you see me when you see +somebody else, and that somebody else is a mere Commercial character. The +one seen by self and Mr. Click in the Waterloo Road can only write a +single word, and that I taught him, and it's MULTIPLICATION--which you +may see him execute upside down, because he can't do it the natural way. +The one seen by self and Henrietta by the Green Park railings can just +smear into existence the two ends of a rainbow, with his cuff and a +rubber--if very hard put upon making a show--but he could no more come +the arch of the rainbow, to save his life, than he could come the +moonlight, fish, volcano, shipwreck, mutton, hermit, or any of my most +celebrated effects. + +To conclude as I began: if there's a blighted public character going, I +am the party. And often as you have seen, do see, and will see, my +Works, it's fifty thousand to one if you'll ever see me, unless, when the +candles are burnt down and the Commercial character is gone, you should +happen to notice a neglected young man perseveringly rubbing out the last +traces of the pictures, so that nobody can renew the same. That's me. + + + + +CHAPTER IV--HIS WONDERFUL END + + +It will have been, ere now, perceived that I sold the foregoing writings. +From the fact of their being printed in these pages, the inference will, +ere now, have been drawn by the reader (may I add, the gentle reader?) +that I sold them to One who never yet--{2} + +Having parted with the writings on most satisfactory terms,--for, in +opening negotiations with the present Journal, was I not placing myself +in the hands of One of whom it may be said, in the words of Another, +{2,}--resumed my usual functions. But I too soon discovered that peace +of mind had fled from a brow which, up to that time, Time had merely took +the hair off, leaving an unruffled expanse within. + +It were superfluous to veil it,--the brow to which I allude is my own. + +Yes, over that brow uneasiness gathered like the sable wing of the fabled +bird, as--as no doubt will be easily identified by all right-minded +individuals. If not, I am unable, on the spur of the moment, to enter +into particulars of him. The reflection that the writings must now +inevitably get into print, and that He might yet live and meet with them, +sat like the Hag of Night upon my jaded form. The elasticity of my +spirits departed. Fruitless was the Bottle, whether Wine or Medicine. I +had recourse to both, and the effect of both upon my system was +witheringly lowering. + +In this state of depression, into which I subsided when I first began to +revolve what could I ever say if He--the unknown--was to appear in the +Coffee-room and demand reparation, I one forenoon in this last November +received a turn that appeared to be given me by the finger of Fate and +Conscience, hand in hand. I was alone in the Coffee-room, and had just +poked the fire into a blaze, and was standing with my back to it, trying +whether heat would penetrate with soothing influence to the Voice within, +when a young man in a cap, of an intelligent countenance, though +requiring his hair cut, stood before me. + +"Mr. Christopher, the Head Waiter?" + +"The same." + +The young man shook his hair out of his vision,--which it impeded,--to a +packet from his breast, and handing it over to me, said, with his eye (or +did I dream?) fixed with a lambent meaning on me, "THE PROOFS." + +Although I smelt my coat-tails singeing at the fire, I had not the power +to withdraw them. The young man put the packet in my faltering grasp, +and repeated,--let me do him the justice to add, with civility: + +"THE PROOFS. A. Y. R." + +With those words he departed. + +A. Y. R.? And You Remember. Was that his meaning? At Your Risk. Were +the letters short for _that_ reminder? Anticipate Your Retribution. Did +they stand for _that_ warning? Out-dacious Youth Repent? But no; for +that, a O was happily wanting, and the vowel here was a A. + +I opened the packet, and found that its contents were the foregoing +writings printed just as the reader (may I add the discerning reader?) +peruses them. In vain was the reassuring whisper,--A.Y.R., All the Year +Round,--it could not cancel the Proofs. Too appropriate name. The +Proofs of my having sold the Writings. + +My wretchedness daily increased. I had not thought of the risk I ran, +and the defying publicity I put my head into, until all was done, and all +was in print. Give up the money to be off the bargain and prevent the +publication, I could not. My family was down in the world, Christmas was +coming on, a brother in the hospital and a sister in the rheumatics could +not be entirely neglected. And it was not only ins in the family that +had told on the resources of one unaided Waitering; outs were not +wanting. A brother out of a situation, and another brother out of money +to meet an acceptance, and another brother out of his mind, and another +brother out at New York (not the same, though it might appear so), had +really and truly brought me to a stand till I could turn myself round. I +got worse and worse in my meditations, constantly reflecting "The +Proofs," and reflecting that when Christmas drew nearer, and the Proofs +were published, there could be no safety from hour to hour but that He +might confront me in the Coffee-room, and in the face of day and his +country demand his rights. + +The impressive and unlooked-for catastrophe towards which I dimly pointed +the reader (shall I add, the highly intellectual reader?) in my first +remarks now rapidly approaches. + +It was November still, but the last echoes of the Guy Foxes had long +ceased to reverberate. We was slack,--several joints under our average +mark, and wine, of course, proportionate. So slack had we become at +last, that Beds Nos. 26, 27, 28, and 31, having took their six o'clock +dinners, and dozed over their respective pints, had drove away in their +respective Hansoms for their respective Night Mail-trains and left us +empty. + +I had took the evening paper to No. 6 table,--which is warm and most to +be preferred,--and, lost in the all-absorbing topics of the day, had +dropped into a slumber. I was recalled to consciousness by the +well-known intimation, "Waiter!" and replying, "Sir!" found a gentleman +standing at No. 4 table. The reader (shall I add, the observant reader?) +will please to notice the locality of the gentleman,--_at No. 4 table_. + +He had one of the newfangled uncollapsable bags in his hand (which I am +against, for I don't see why you shouldn't collapse, while you are about +it, as your fathers collapsed before you), and he said: + +"I want to dine, waiter. I shall sleep here to-night." + +"Very good, sir. What will you take for dinner, sir?" + +"Soup, bit of codfish, oyster sauce, and the joint." + +"Thank you, sir." + +I rang the chambermaid's bell; and Mrs. Pratchett marched in, according +to custom, demurely carrying a lighted flat candle before her, as if she +was one of a long public procession, all the other members of which was +invisible. + +In the meanwhile the gentleman had gone up to the mantelpiece, right in +front of the fire, and had laid his forehead against the mantelpiece +(which it is a low one, and brought him into the attitude of leap-frog), +and had heaved a tremenjous sigh. His hair was long and lightish; and +when he laid his forehead against the mantelpiece, his hair all fell in a +dusty fluff together over his eyes; and when he now turned round and +lifted up his head again, it all fell in a dusty fluff together over his +ears. This give him a wild appearance, similar to a blasted heath. + +"O! The chambermaid. Ah!" He was turning something in his mind. "To +be sure. Yes. I won't go up-stairs now, if you will take my bag. It +will be enough for the present to know my number.--Can you give me 24 B?" + +(O Conscience, what a Adder art thou!) + +Mrs. Pratchett allotted him the room, and took his bag to it. He then +went back before the fire, and fell a biting his nails. + +"Waiter!" biting between the words, "give me," bite, "pen and paper; and +in five minutes," bite, "let me have, if you please," bite, "a", bite, +"Messenger." + +Unmindful of his waning soup, he wrote and sent off six notes before he +touched his dinner. Three were City; three West-End. The City letters +were to Cornhill, Ludgate-hill, and Farringdon Street. The West-End +letters were to Great Marlborough Street, New Burlington Street, and +Piccadilly. Everybody was systematically denied at every one of the six +places, and there was not a vestige of any answer. Our light porter +whispered to me, when he came back with that report, "All Booksellers." + +But before then he had cleared off his dinner, and his bottle of wine. He +now--mark the concurrence with the document formerly given in +full!--knocked a plate of biscuits off the table with his agitated elber +(but without breakage), and demanded boiling brandy-and-water. + +Now fully convinced that it was Himself, I perspired with the utmost +freedom. When he became flushed with the heated stimulant referred to, +he again demanded pen and paper, and passed the succeeding two hours in +producing a manuscript which he put in the fire when completed. He then +went up to bed, attended by Mrs. Pratchett. Mrs. Pratchett (who was +aware of my emotions) told me, on coming down, that she had noticed his +eye rolling into every corner of the passages and staircase, as if in +search of his Luggage, and that, looking back as she shut the door of 24 +B, she perceived him with his coat already thrown off immersing himself +bodily under the bedstead, like a chimley-sweep before the application of +machinery. + +The next day--I forbear the horrors of that night--was a very foggy day +in our part of London, insomuch that it was necessary to light the Coffee- +room gas. We was still alone, and no feverish words of mine can do +justice to the fitfulness of his appearance as he sat at No. 4 table, +increased by there being something wrong with the meter. + +Having again ordered his dinner, he went out, and was out for the best +part of two hours. Inquiring on his return whether any of the answers +had arrived, and receiving an unqualified negative, his instant call was +for mulligatawny, the cayenne pepper, and orange brandy. + +Feeling that the mortal struggle was now at hand, I also felt that I must +be equal to him, and with that view resolved that whatever he took I +would take. Behind my partition, but keeping my eye on him over the +curtain, I therefore operated on Mulligatawny, Cayenne Pepper, and Orange +Brandy. And at a later period of the day, when he again said, "Orange +Brandy," I said so too, in a lower tone, to George, my Second Lieutenant +(my First was absent on leave), who acts between me and the bar. + +Throughout that awful day he walked about the Coffee-room continually. +Often he came close up to my partition, and then his eye rolled within, +too evidently in search of any signs of his Luggage. Half-past six came, +and I laid his cloth. He ordered a bottle of old Brown. I likewise +ordered a bottle of old Brown. He drank his. I drank mine (as nearly as +my duties would permit) glass for glass against his. He topped with +coffee and a small glass. I topped with coffee and a small glass. He +dozed. I dozed. At last, "Waiter!"--and he ordered his bill. The +moment was now at hand when we two must be locked in the deadly grapple. + +Swift as the arrow from the bow, I had formed my resolution; in other +words, I had hammered it out between nine and nine. It was, that I would +be the first to open up the subject with a full acknowledgment, and would +offer any gradual settlement within my power. He paid his bill (doing +what was right by attendance) with his eye rolling about him to the last +for any tokens of his Luggage. One only time our gaze then met, with the +lustrous fixedness (I believe I am correct in imputing that character to +it?) of the well-known Basilisk. The decisive moment had arrived. + +With a tolerable steady hand, though with humility, I laid The Proofs +before him. + +"Gracious Heavens!" he cries out, leaping up, and catching hold of his +hair. "What's this? Print!" + +"Sir," I replied, in a calming voice, and bending forward, "I humbly +acknowledge to being the unfortunate cause of it. But I hope, sir, that +when you have heard the circumstances explained, and the innocence of my +intentions--" + +To my amazement, I was stopped short by his catching me in both his arms, +and pressing me to his breast-bone; where I must confess to my face (and +particular, nose) having undergone some temporary vexation from his +wearing his coat buttoned high up, and his buttons being uncommon hard. + +"Ha, ha, ha!" he cries, releasing me with a wild laugh, and grasping my +hand. "What is your name, my Benefactor?" + +"My name, sir" (I was crumpled, and puzzled to make him out), "is +Christopher; and I hope, sir, that, as such, when you've heard my ex--" + +"In print!" he exclaims again, dashing the proofs over and over as if he +was bathing in them.--"In print!! O Christopher! Philanthropist! +Nothing can recompense you,--but what sum of money would be acceptable to +you?" + +I had drawn a step back from him, or I should have suffered from his +buttons again. + +"Sir, I assure you, I have been already well paid, and--" + +"No, no, Christopher! Don't talk like that! What sum of money would be +acceptable to you, Christopher? Would you find twenty pounds acceptable, +Christopher?" + +However great my surprise, I naturally found words to say, "Sir, I am not +aware that the man was ever yet born without more than the average amount +of water on the brain as would not find twenty pounds acceptable. +But--extremely obliged to you, sir, I'm sure;" for he had tumbled it out +of his purse and crammed it in my hand in two bank-notes; "but I could +wish to know, sir, if not intruding, how I have merited this liberality?" + +"Know then, my Christopher," he says, "that from boyhood's hour I have +unremittingly and unavailingly endeavoured to get into print. Know, +Christopher, that all the Booksellers alive--and several dead--have +refused to put me into print. Know, Christopher, that I have written +unprinted Reams. But they shall be read to you, my friend and brother. +You sometimes have a holiday?" + +Seeing the great danger I was in, I had the presence of mind to answer, +"Never!" To make it more final, I added, "Never! Not from the cradle to +the grave." + +"Well," says he, thinking no more about that, and chuckling at his proofs +again. "But I am in print! The first flight of ambition emanating from +my father's lowly cot is realised at length! The golden bow"--he was +getting on,--"struck by the magic hand, has emitted a complete and +perfect sound! When did this happen, my Christopher?" + +"Which happen, sir?" + +"This," he held it out at arms length to admire it,--"this Per-rint." + +When I had given him my detailed account of it, he grasped me by the hand +again, and said: + +"Dear Christopher, it should be gratifying to you to know that you are an +instrument in the hands of Destiny. Because you _are_." + +A passing Something of a melancholy cast put it into my head to shake it, +and to say, "Perhaps we all are." + +"I don't mean that," he answered; "I don't take that wide range; I +confine myself to the special case. Observe me well, my Christopher! +Hopeless of getting rid, through any effort of my own, of any of the +manuscripts among my Luggage,--all of which, send them where I would, +were always coming back to me,--it is now some seven years since I left +that Luggage here, on the desperate chance, either that the too, too +faithful manuscripts would come back to me no more, or that some one less +accursed than I might give them to the world. You follow me, my +Christopher?" + +"Pretty well, sir." I followed him so far as to judge that he had a weak +head, and that the Orange, the Boiling, and Old Brown combined was +beginning to tell. (The Old Brown, being heady, is best adapted to +seasoned cases.) + +"Years elapsed, and those compositions slumbered in dust. At length, +Destiny, choosing her agent from all mankind, sent You here, Christopher, +and lo! the Casket was burst asunder, and the Giant was free!" + +He made hay of his hair after he said this, and he stood a-tiptoe. + +"But," he reminded himself in a state of excitement, "we must sit up all +night, my Christopher. I must correct these Proofs for the press. Fill +all the inkstands, and bring me several new pens." + +He smeared himself and he smeared the Proofs, the night through, to that +degree that when Sol gave him warning to depart (in a four-wheeler), few +could have said which was them, and which was him, and which was blots. +His last instructions was, that I should instantly run and take his +corrections to the office of the present Journal. I did so. They most +likely will not appear in print, for I noticed a message being brought +round from Beauford Printing House, while I was a throwing this +concluding statement on paper, that the ole resources of that +establishment was unable to make out what they meant. Upon which a +certain gentleman in company, as I will not more particularly name,--but +of whom it will be sufficient to remark, standing on the broad basis of a +wave-girt isle, that whether we regard him in the light of,--{3} laughed, +and put the corrections in the fire. + + + + +FOOTNOTES + + +{1} Its name and address at length, with other full particulars, all +editorially struck out. + +{2} The remainder of this complimentary sentence editorially struck out. + +{3} The remainder of this complimentary parenthesis editorially struck +out. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE*** + + +******* This file should be named 1414.txt or 1414.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/1/1414 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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