diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/14135.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14135.txt | 1920 |
1 files changed, 1920 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/14135.txt b/old/14135.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd1703b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14135.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1920 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +January 10, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 10, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 23, 2004 [eBook #14135] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 152, JANUARY 10, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14135-h.htm or 14135-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/1/3/14135/14135-h/14135-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/1/3/14135/14135-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152 + +JANUARY 10, 1917 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The effect of the curtailed train-service throughout the country is already +observable. On certain sections of one of our Southern lines there are no +trains running except those which started prior to January 1st. + + *** + +The new Treasury Notes, we are told, are to have a picture of the House of +Commons on the back. It is hoped that other places of amusement, such as +the Crystal Palace and the Imperial Institute, will be represented on +subsequent issues. + + *** + +It is announced from Germany that arrangements have been made whereby +criminals are to be enrolled in the army. They have, of course, already +conducted many of its operations. + + *** + +According to _The Daily Chronicle_ there are only twenty-three full +Generals in the British Army--a total identical with that of the late +Cabinet. It is only fair to the army to state that the number is purely a +coincidence. + + *** + + "THE RISE IN BOOT PRICES + WOMEN'S LARGE PURCHASES." + +The above headlines in a contemporary have caused a good deal of natural +jealousy among members of the Force. + + *** + +"At them and through them!" says the _Hamburger Fremdenblatt_ in a +seasonable message to the commander of the Turkish Navy. This will not +deceive the Turk, who is beginning to realise that, while the invitation to +go _at_ the enemy is sincere, any opportunities of "going _through_" him +will be exclusively grasped by his Teutonic ally. + + *** + +Prince BUELOW has again arrived in Switzerland. It is these bold and +dramatic strokes that lift the German diplomat above the ranks of the +commonplace. + + *** + +It is explained by a railway official that a passenger who pays threepence +for a ticket to-day is really only giving the company twopence, the rest +being water, owing to the decline in the purchasing power of money. A +movement is now on foot among some of the regular passengers to endeavour +to persuade the companies to consent to take their fares neat for the +future. + + *** + +At his Coronation the Emperor KARL OF AUSTRIA waved the sword of ST. +STEPHEN towards the four corners of the earth, to indicate his intention to +protect his empire against all its foes. The incident has been receiving +the earnest consideration of the KAISER, who has now finally decided that +in the circumstances it is not necessary to regard it as an unfriendly act. + + *** + +It was felt that the ceremonies connected with the Coronation ought to be +curtailed out of regard for the sufferings due to the War. So they +dispensed with the customary distribution of bread to the poor. + + *** + +Lecturing to a juvenile audience Professor ARTHUR KEITH said that there was +no difference between detectives and scientists, and some of the older boys +are still wondering whether he was trying to popularise science or to +discredit detective stories. + + *** + +Germans cannot now obtain footwear, it is reported, without a permit card. +Nevertheless we know a number of them who are assured of getting the boot +without any troublesome formalities. + + *** + +Burglars have stolen eighteen ducks from the estate of BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. It +will be interesting to note how their defence--that "Necessity knows no +law"--is received by the distinguished advocate of the invasion of Belgium. + + *** + +"Taxicab drivers must expect a very low standard of intoxication to apply +to them," said the Lambeth magistrate last week. On the other hand the +police should be careful not to misinterpret the air of light-hearted +devilry that endeared the "growler" to the hearts of an older generation. + + *** + +It is stated that L2,250,000 has been sent by Germany into Switzerland to +raise the exchanges. A much larger sum, according to Mr. PUTNAM, was sent +into the United States merely to raise the wind. + + *** + +Referring to the Highland regiments a _Globe_ writer says, "The streets of +London will reel with the music of the pipes when they come back." This is +one of those obstacles to peace that has been overlooked by the KAISER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE SLOGGER, JUST ARRIVED WITH LAST DRAFT AND ON GUARD +DUTY FOR FIRST TIME, FORGETS HIMSELF WHEN THE COLONEL APPEARS ACCOMPANIED +BY HIS DAUGHTER.] + + * * * * * + +VIENNA-BOUND: A REVERIE EN ROUTE. + +[A Wireless Press telegram says: "The German Imperial train has reached +Constantinople in order to transport the Sultan to Vienna, to take part in +the conference of Sovereigns to be held there."] + + I hate all trains and told them so; + I said that I should much prefer + (Being, as Allah knows, no traveller) + To stick to Stamboul and the _status quo_. + + They said, "If you would rather walk, + Pray do so; it will save the fare;" + Which shows that WILLIAM (who will take the Chair) + Insists that I shall come and hear him talk. + + I've never tried a train before; + It makes me sick; it knocks my nerves; + The noises and the tunnels and the curves + Add a new horror to the woes of war. + + What am I here for, anyhow? + I'm summoned for appearance' sake, + To nod approval at the Chief, but take + No further part in his one-man pow-wow. + + My job is just to sit, it seems, + And act the silent super's _role_, + The while I wish myself, with all my soul, + Safe back in one or more of my hareems. + + I'd let the Conference go hang; + Any who likes can have my pew + And play at peace-talk with this pirate crew, + WILLIAM and KARL and FERDIE--what a gang! + + Our Chairman wants to save his skin + And (curse this train!) to cook a plan + For Germany to pouch what spoils she can-- + All very nice; but where do I come in? + + At best I'm but the missing link + Upon his Berlin-Baghdad line; + This is the senior partner's show, not mine; + Will he consult my feelings? I don't think. + + If Russia's gain should mean my loss, + He'll wince at Teuton schemes cut short, + But for my grief, expelled from my own Porte, + Will he care greatly? Not one little toss. + + Well, as I've said and said again, + 'Tis Fate (Kismet), and, should it frown, + We Faithful have to take it lying down-- + And yet, by Allah, how I loathe this train! + +O. S. + + * * * * * + + "A subaltern friend of mine landed at Gibraltar for a few hours, and he + was anxious to be able to say that he had been to Spain. So he walked + along the Isthmus to Ceuta, where the British and Spanish sentries + faced one another, and directly the Spanish soldier turned his head he + hopped quickly over into Spain. Then the sentry turned round, and he + hopped back again even more quickly."--_Daily Sketch_. + +Those of our readers who have walked from the Gibraltar frontier to Morocco +and back, like the above subaltern, know that it takes some doing. + + * * * * * + + "JAMES PHILLIPS, 16, was charged with doing damage to the extent of L4 + 10s. at a refreshment shop in Hackney belonging to Peter Persico. As he + was kept waiting a little time he broke a plate on the table; then he + put a saucer under his heel and broke it. When remonstrated with he + broke 10 cups and saucers by throwing them at partitions and enamelled + decorations, and overturned a marble table, the top of which he + smashed."--_The Times_. + +No doubt he was incited to these naughty deeds by the line, very popular in +Hackney circles, "Persico's odi, puer, apparatus." + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_The Emperor of AUSTRIA and Count TISZA_.) + +_Tisza_. So there is the full account, your Majesty, of men killed, wounded +and captured. + +_The Emperor_. It is a gloomy list and I hardly can bear to consider it. + +_Tisza_. Yes, and beyond the mere list of casualties by fighting there are +other matters to be considered. Food is scarce and of a poor quality, in +Hungary as elsewhere. The armies we can yet feed, but the home-staying men +and the women and children are a growing difficulty. It becomes more and +more impossible to provide them with sufficient nourishment. + +_The Emperor_. It is strange, but in Austria the conditions are said to be +even worse. + +_Tisza_. You are right, Sire, they are worse, much worse. + +_The Emperor_. Well, we must lose no time then. We must buy great stocks of +food. More money must be spent. + +_Tisza_. More money? But where is it to come from? Not from Hungary, where +we are within a narrow margin of financial collapse, and not in Austria, +where there is already to all intents and purposes a state of bankruptcy. +More money is not to be got, for we have none ourselves and nobody will +lend us any. + +_The Emperor_. You paint the situation in dark colours, my friend TISZA. + +_Tisza_. I paint it as it is, Sire, at any rate as I see it. It is not the +part of a Royal Counsellor to act otherwise. + +_The Emperor_. Yes, but there might be others who would take a different +view, and support their belief with equally good reasons. + +_Tisza_. Not if they know the facts and are faithful to their duty as +Ministers of the State. Here and there, no doubt, might be found foolish +and ambitious men who would be willing to deceive, first themselves and +then their Emperor, as to the true condition of affairs. But, if your +Majesty trusted them and allowed them to guide you, you would learn too +late how ill they had understood their duty. I myself, though determined to +do everything in my power to promote the welfare of Hungary and its King, +would willingly stand aside if you think that others would give you greater +strength. + +_The Emperor_. I have every reason to trust you most fully. Have you any +plan for extricating us from this dreadful morass of failure and difficulty +into which we are plunged? + +_Tisza_. Your Majesty, there is only one way. We must have peace, and must +have it as soon as possible. + +_The Emperor._ I too think we must have peace, but how shall we obtain it +when we have a friend and ally who watches us with the closest care, and +would not allow us even to hint at any steps that would really lead to +peace? + +_Tisza_. Sire, you are a young man, but you are a scion of a great and +ancient House, which was powerful and illustrious when the Hohenzollerns +were but mean and petty barbarian princelings. Withdraw yourself, while the +opportunity is still with you, from the fatal domination of this vain and +inflated upstart who endeavours to serve only his own selfish designs. Our +enemies will make peace with you, and thus he too will be forced to abandon +the War. With him and with the deeds that have outraged the world they will +not initiate any movement that tends to peace. He must go through his +punishment, as indeed we all must, but his, I think, will be heavier than +ours. + +_The Emperor_. Then you want me to make peace? + +_Tisza_. If it could be done by holding up your hand, I would urge you to +hold it up at once. + +_The Emperor_. And what would the world say? + +_Tisza_. The world would glorify your name. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SHORT WAY WITH TINO. + +THE BIG GUN (_ringing up the Entente Exchange_). "OH, YOU _ARE_ THERE, ARE +YOU? WELL, PUT ME ON TO NUMBER ONE, ATHENS."] + + * * * * * + +A KNIGHT-ERRANT. + +Sister Baynes came into my room just as I was putting on my out-door +uniform and wanted to know how I was spending my two hours off duty. She is +full of curiosity about--she calls it interest in--other people's affairs. +When I told her I was going out to buy a birthday present she looked rather +stern. Said she:-- + +"The giving of unnecessary presents has become a luxury which few of us +nowadays think it right to afford." + +I didn't answer her because at the moment I could think of no really +adequate reason why Bobbie _should_ have a present, except that I so very +much wanted to give him one. Bobbie is tall and young and red-haired and, +of course, khaki clad. We are going to be married "when the War is over." + +I pondered Sister Baynes' words until I reached Oxford Street, and then +forgot them in the interest of choosing the present. For a while I +hesitated between cigarettes and chocolates, and finally decided on the +latter. Bobbie is a perfect pig about sweets. I bought a +comfortable-looking box, ornamented with a St. George, improbably attired +in khaki, slaying a delightful German dragon clad in blue and a Uhlan +helmet. St. George had red hair and a distinct look of Bobbie, which was +one reason why I got him. + +[Illustration: THE COMBINATION SCOOTER AND CARPET SWEEPER. + +BUY YOUR SERVANT ONE AND ADD A ZEST TO HER WORK.] + +This business accomplished, I thought I would call on a friend who lives +near by. She is middle-aged and rather sad, and spends her time pushing +trolleys about a munition works. Just now, however, I knew she had a cold +and couldn't go out. I found her on the floor wrestling with brown paper, +preparing a parcel for her soldier on Salisbury Plain. She adopted him +through a League, and spends all her spare time and pocket-money in socks +and cigarettes for him. She smiled at me wanly, with a piece of string +between her teeth, and I felt I simply must do something to cheer her up. + +"I've brought you some chocolates for your cold," I said. "Eat one and +forget the War and the weather," and I handed her Bobbie's box. Her +necessity, as someone says somewhere, seemed at the moment so much greater +than his. + +"You extravagant child!" she said, but her face lightened for an instant. +She admired St. George almost as much as I had done, but, though she +fingered the orange-coloured bow, she did not untie it, so I concluded she +meant to have an orgy by herself later on. We talked for a while, and then +I looked at the clock and fled for the hospital. She thanked me again for +the chocolates as I went; she really seemed quite pleased with them. + +Two days later Matron collared me in the passage and gave me a handful of +letters and things to distribute. There was a fat parcel for Martha, the +ward-maid. I found her in the closet where she keeps her brooms, and gave +it her. Her eyes simply danced as she took it, first carefully wiping her +hand on her apron. + +"It's from my bruvver," she explained. "'Im on Salisbury Plain. Very good +to me 'e always is." She stripped off the paper and gave a sigh of rapture. +"Lor, Nurse, ain't it beautiful?" + +It was a chocolate box, a comfortable-looking chocolate box, ornamented +with a red-headed St. George, a large blue dragon and a vivid orange bow. + +"It does seem nice," I agreed. + +"Fancy 'im spending all that on me," said Martha. + +"You'll be able to have quite a feast," said I, smiling at my old friend +St. George. + +Martha looked suddenly shy. + +"I'm not going to keep it," she confided. She came closer to me. "Do you +remember young Renshaw, what used to be in your ward, Nurse?" + +I nodded; I remembered him well, a cheery boy with a smashed leg, now in a +Convalescent Home by the sea. + +"'Im and me's engaged," said Martha in a hoarse whisper. "I liked 'im and +he liked me, and one day I was doing the windows 'e asked me. 'E says the +food down there is that monopolous, so I'll send him this 'ere just to +cheer 'im up like." + +It seemed an excellent idea to me. I beamed upon Martha. I helped her to +re-wrap St. George, and lent her my fountain-pen to write the address which +was to send my Knight once more upon his travels. It appeared to me that he +and his dragon were seeing a lot of life. + +Bobbie had arranged to call for me on his birthday, so when my off duty +came I simply flung on my things and raced for the hall. As I passed +Matron's door she called me in. I entered trembling; it was always a +toss-up with Matron whether you were to be smiled upon or strafed. + +To-day she was lamb-like. She sat at a desk piled high with papers. Among +them lay a vivid coloured object. + +"I've just had a letter from that young Renshaw," she said. "Such a +charming letter, thanking us for all our kindness and enclosing a present +to show his appreciation." She smiled. She seemed hugely pleased about +something. "He addresses it to me," she went on; "but, though I am grateful +for the kind thought, I do not myself eat chocolates." + +She picked up the box, a comfortable-looking box ornamented with an orange +satin bow. + +"I think these are more in your line than mine," she said, "and Renshaw was +in your ward. You have really the best right to them." + +She handed me the box of chocolates. I gazed at my travelled Saint and he +gazed back. I could almost have sworn he winked. + +Clutching him and his dragon, I departed and danced down the corridor into +the hall. There waited Bobbie, red-haired and khaki-clad, more like St. +George than the gallant knight himself. + +"How do you do?" I greeted him. "Many happy returns, dear old thing!" As he +held out his hand I put something into it. "A box of chocolates," I +explained; "I bought them for your birthday!" + + * * * * * + +"Wanted, for Low Comedian, really Funny Sons."--_The Stage_. + +As a change, we suppose, from the eternal mother-in-law. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Inveterate Golfer_ (_stung by the leading article_). "I +SUPPOSE _I_ AM REALLY NON-ESSENTIAL. IT'S HARD TO REALISE THIS WITH ONE'S +HANDICAP JUST REDUCED TO SEVEN."] + + * * * * * + +THE REGIMENTAL MASCOT. + +When his honour the Colonel took the owld rigiment to France, Herself came +home bringin' the rigimental mascot with her. A big white long-haired +billy-goat he was, the same. + +"I'll not be afther lavin him at the daypo," says Herself; "'tis no place +for a domestic animal at all, the language them little drummer-boys uses, +the dear knows," says she. + +So me bowld mascot he stops up at the Castle and makes free with the +flower-beds and the hall and the drawin'-room and the domestic maids the +way he'd be the Lord-Lieutenant o' the land, and not jist a plain human +Angory goat. A proud arrygent crature it is, be the powers! Steppin' about +as disdainy as a Dublin gerrl in Ballydehob, and if, mebbe, you'd address +him for to get off your flower-beds with the colour of anger in your mouth +he'd let a roar out of him like a Sligo piper with poteen taken, and fetch +you a skelp with his horns that would lay you out for dead. + +And sorra the use is it of complainin' to Herself. + +"Ah, Delaney, 'tis the marshal sperit widin him," she'd say; "we must be +patient with him for the sake of the owld rigiment;" and with that she'd +start hand-feedin' him with warmed-up sponge-cake and playin' with his long +silky hair. + +"Far be it from me," I says to Mikeen, the herd, "to question the workings +o' Providence, but were I the Colonel of a rigiment, which I am not, and +_had_ to have a mascot, it's not a raparee billy I'd be afther havin', but +a nanny, or mebbe a cow, that would step along dacently with the rigiment +and bring ye luck, and mebbe a dropeen o' milk for the orficers' tea as +well. If it's such cratures that bring ye fortune may I die a peaceful +death in a poor-house," says I. + +"I'm wid ye," says Mikeen, groanin', he bein' spotted like a leopard with +bruises by rason of him havin' to comb the mascot's silky hair twice daily, +and the quick temper of the baste at the tangles. + +The long of a summer the billy stops up at the Castle, archin' his neck at +the wurrld and growin' prouder and prouder by dint of the standin' he had +with the owld rigiment and the high-feedin' he had from Herself. Faith, +'tis a great delight we servints had of him I'm tellin' ye! It was as much +as your life's blood was worth to cross his path in the garden, and if the +domestic maids would be meetin' him in the house they'd let him eat the +dresses off them before they dare say a word. + +In the autumn me bowld mascot gets a wee trifle powerful by dint o' the +high-feedin' and the natural nature of the crature. Herself, wid her +iligant lady's nose, is afther noticin' it, and she sends wan o' the gerrls +to tell meself and Mikeen to wash the baste. + +"There will be murdher done this day," says I to the lad, "but 'tis the +orders--go get the cart-rope and the chain off the bull-dog, and we'll do +it. Faith, it isn't all the bravery that's at the Front," says I. + +"That's the true wurrd," says he, rubbin' the lumps on his shins, the poor +boy. + +"Oh, Delaney," says the domestic gerrl, drawin' a bottle from her apron +pocket, "Herself says will ye plaze be so obligin' to sprinkle the mascot +wid a dropeen of this ody-koloney scent--mebbe it will quench his +powerfulness, she says." + +I put the bottle in me pocket. We tripped up me brave goat with the rope, +got the bull's collar and chain, and dragged him away towards the pond, him +buckin' and ragin' between us like a Tyrone Street lady in the arms of the +poliss. To hear the roars he let out of him would turn your hearts cowld as +lead, but we held on. + +The Saints were wid us; in half-an-hour we had him as wet as an eel, and +broke the bottle of ody-koloney over his back. + +He was clane mad. "God save us all when he gets that chain off him!" I +says. "God save us it is!" says Mikeen, looking around for a tree to shin. + +Just at the minut we heard a great screechin' o' dogs, and through the +fence comes the harrier pack that the Reserve orficers kept in the camp +beyond. ("Harriers" they called them, but, begob! there wasn't anythin' +they wouldn't hunt from a fox to a turkey, those ones.) + +"What are they afther chasin'?" says Mikeen. + +"'Tis a stag to-day, be the newspapers," I says, "but the dear knows +they'll not cotch him this month, he must be gone by this half-hour, and +the breath is from them, their tongues is hangin' out a yard," I says. + +'Twas at that moment the Blessed Saints gave me wisdom. + +"Mikeen," I says, "drag the mascot out before them; we'll see sport this +day." + +"Herself--" he begins. + +"Hoult your whisht," says I, "and come on." With that we dragged me bowld +goat out before the dogs and let go the chain. + +The dogs sniffed up the strong blast of ody-koloney and let a yowl out of +them like all the banshees in the nation of Ireland, and the billy legged +it for his life--small blame to him! + +Meself and Mikeen climbed a double to see the sport. + +"They have him," says Mikeen. "They have not," says I; "the crature howlds +them by two lengths." + +"He has doubled on them," says Mikeen; "he is as sly as a Jew." + +"He is forninst the rabbit holes now," I says. "I thank the howly Saints he +cannot burrow." + +"He has tripped up--they have him bayed," says Mikeen. + +And that was the mortal truth, the dogs had him. + +Oh, but it was a bowld billy! He went in among those hounds like a lad to a +fair, you could hear his horns lambastin' their ribs a mile away. But they +were too many for him and bit the grand silky hair off him by the mouthful. +The way it flew you'd think it was a snowstorm. + +"They have him desthroyed," says Mikeen. + +"They have," says I, "God be praised!" + +At the moment the huntsman leps his harse up on the double beside us; he +was phlastered with muck from his hair to his boots. + +"What have they out there?" says he, blinkin' through the mud and not +knowin' rightly what his hounds were coursin' out before him, whether it +would be a stag or a Bengal tiger. + +"'Tis her ladyship's Rile Imperial Mascot Goat," says I; "an' God save your +honour for she'll have your blood in a bottle for this day's worrk." + +The huntsman lets a curse out of his stummick and rides afther them, flat +on his saddle, both spurs tearin'. In the wink of an eye he is down among +the dogs, larruppin' them with his whip and drawin' down curses on them +that would wither ye to hear him--he had great eddication, that orficer. + +"Come now," says I to Mikeen, the poor lad, "let you and me bear the cowld +corpse of the diseased back to Herself; mebbe she'll have a shillin' handy +in her hand, the way she'd reward us for saving the body from the dogs," +says I. + +But was me bowld mascot dead? He was not. He was alive and well, the +thickness of his wool had saved him. For all that he had not a hair of it +left to him, and when he stood up before you you wouldn't know him; he was +that ordinary without his fleece, he was no more than a common poor man's +goat, he was no more to look at than a skinned rabbit, and that's the +truth. + +He walked home with meself and Mikeen as meek as a young gerrl. + +Herself came runnin' out, all fluttery, to look at him. + +"Ah, but that's not _my_ mascot," says she. + +"It is, Marm," says I; and I swore to it by the whole Calendar--Mikeen too. + +"Bah! how disgustin'. Take it to the cow-house," says she, and stepped +indoors without another word. + +We led the billy away, him hangin' his head for shame at his nakedness. + +"Ye'll do no more mascottin' avic," says I to him. "Sorra luck you would +bring to a blind beggar-man the way you are now--you'll never step along +again with the drums and tambourines." + +And that was the true word, for though Herself had Mikeen rubbing him daily +with bear's-grease and hair-lotion he never grew the same grand fleece +again, and he'd stand about in the back-field, brooding for hours together, +the divilment clane gone out of his system; and if, mebbe, you'd draw the +stroke of an ash-plant across his ribs to hearten him, he'd only just look +at you sad-like and pass no remarks. + + * * * * * + +TOP-O'-THE-MORNING. + + Top-o'-the-Morning's shoes are off; + He runs in the orchard, rough, all day; + Chasing the hens for a turn at the trough, + Fighting the cows for a place at the hay; + With a coat where the Wiltshire mud has dried, + With brambles caught in his mane and tail-- + Top-o'-the-Morning, pearl and pride + Of the foremost flight of the White Horse Vale! + + The master he carried is Somewhere in France + Leading a cavalry troop to-day, + Ready, if Fortune but give him the chance, + Ready as ever to show them the way, + Riding as straight to his new desire + As ever he rode to the line of old, + Facing his fences of blood and fire + With a brow of flint and a heart of gold. + + Do the hoofs of his horses wake a dream + Of a trampling crowd at the covert-side, + Of a lead on the grass and a glinting stream + And Top-o'-the-Morning shortening stride? + Does the triumph leap to his shining eyes + As the wind of the vale on his cheek blows cold, + And the buffeting big brown shoulders rise + To his light heel's touch and his light hand's hold? + + When the swords are sheathed and the strife is done, + And the cry of hounds is a call to men; + When the straight-necked Wiltshire foxes run + And the first flight rides on the grass again; + May Top-o'-the-Morning, sleek of hide, + Shod, and tidy of mane and tail, + Light, and fit for a man to ride, + Lead them once more in the White Horse Vale! + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +Polygamy in Workington. + +"Supper was served by some of the wives of some of the +members."--_Workington News_. + + * * * * * + +TRAGEDY OF A DUTIFUL WIFE. + +[Illustration: "I SAY, THAT MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON SEEMS A JOLLY +WOMAN--WHAT?" "ISN'T SHE A LITTLE--ER--" + +"NOT A BIT OF IT. A WOMAN OUGHT TO BE CHEERY, ESPECIALLY IN THESE TIMES." +"I SEE, DEAR."] + +[Illustration: "WHAT ON EARTH--?" + +"I'M MAKING A NEW HAT, DEAR. I SAW MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON WEARING ONE +VERY LIKE THIS."] + +[Illustration: "GREAT HEAVENS! WHAT ARE YOU CUTTING YOUR NEW DRESS TO BITS +FOR?" + +"IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR. MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON HAS ONE QUITE AS SHORT AS +THIS."] + +[Illustration: "GOOD LORD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE?" + +"MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON ALWAYS MAKES UP A LITTLE WHEN SHE'S GOING OUT. +OH--I FORGOT TO TELL YOU--I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY DINNER, AS I THOUGHT WE +MIGHT GO AND DINE AT A RESTAURANT."] + +[Illustration: "AREN'T YOU MAKING YOURSELF RATHER CONSPICUOUS?" + +"BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED CHEERY PEOPLE LIKE MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON."] + +[Illustration: "I'M AWFULLY SORRY, DEAR. I OUGHT TO HAVE PRACTISED SMOKING. +I EXPECT MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON--" + +"D---- MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON!" + +"VERY WELL, DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PINCH OF WAR. + +_Lady of the House_ (_War Profiteer's wife, forlornly_). "THEY'VE JUST +TAKEN OUR THIRD FOOTMAN; AND IF ANY MORE OF OUR MEN HAVE TO GO WE SHALL +CLOSE THE HOUSE AND LIVE AT THE RITZ UNTIL THE WAR IS +OVER--(_brightly_)--HOWEVER, WE MUST ALL SACRIFICE SOMETHING."] + + * * * * * + +OVER-WEIGHT. + +_Scene: A London Terminus_. + +_Porter_ (_with an air of finality_). It weighs 'undred-and-four pounds. +You can't take it, mum. + +_Lady Traveller_. Oh, I must take it. + +[_Porter is obliged by an irritation of the head to remove his cap, but +does not speak._ + +_Lady Traveller_. It's all right. I know the manager of the line, and he +would pass it for me. + +_Her Friend_. Isn't your friend manager of the Great Southern? + +_Lady Traveller_ (_sharply_). He has a great deal to do with all these +railways now. (_To Porter, hopefully, but not very confidently_) That will +be all right. + +_Porter_. Very sorry, mum. It can't be done. + +_Lady Traveller_. My friend the manager would be very much annoyed at my +being stopped like this. Only four pounds, too. Why, it's nothing. + +[_Porter removes his cap again on account of further irritation._ + +_Lady Traveller_ (_to her Friend_). I don't know what I'm to do. (_To +Porter_) What am I to do? + +_Porter_ (_deliberately_). You must open it and take somethink out. + +_Lady Traveller_. I can't open it here. + +_Porter_ (_ignoring this_). Somethink weighing a bit over four pounds. + +_Lady Traveller_. But I can't do it here. + +_Porter_ (_ignoring this_). Pair o' boots or somethink. + +_Lady Traveller_ (_to her Friend_). He seems to think my boots weigh four +pounds. + +_Her Friend_. Haven't you got two pairs? + +_Lady Traveller_ (_sourly_). Yes, but two pairs of my boots wouldn't weigh +four pounds. + +_Porter_ (who has been quietly undoing the straps_). Is it locked, mum? + +_Lady Traveller_ (_producing key and almost in tears_). It's too bad. + +[_She dives into box and extracts two pairs of boots wrapped in +newspapers._ + +_Porter_ (_taking them and weighing them judiciously in his hands_). That's +all right, mum. + +[_He pushes box on to weighing machine which registers under 100 lbs._ + +_Lady Traveller_. They're very thick boots, of course. Whatever am I to do +with them now? + +_Her Friend_. We shall have to carry them. [_Takes one parcel._ + +_Lady Traveller_. Jane shall hear of this. I told her never to use +newspaper for packing. + +_Her Friend_ (_suddenly_). There's Major Merriman. + +_Lady Traveller_. So it is. Don't let him see us with these dreadful +parcels. (_Angrily_) Why don't you turn round? He'll see you. + +_Major Merriman_. How do you do? + +_Lady Traveller_ (_in great surprise_). Oh, how do you do, Major Merriman? +We've been having such an amusing experience, etc., etc. + + * * * * * + +What made Lord Devonport Dizzy. + + "The following resolution was unanimously passed, and ordered to be + sent to the Prime Minister and the Food Controller (Lord + Beaconsfield)."--_The Western Gazette_. + + * * * * * + + "Lamp-posts and trees and other pedestrians were found with unpleasant + and sometimes violent frequency."--_Beckenham Journal_. + +That's the worst of a fog; landmarks will keep on walking about. + + * * * * * + +_A propos_ of the TSAR'S manifesto:-- + + "The _Retch_, says: 'The order puts the dot on all the + "t's."'"--_Provincial Paper_. + +It is a far, far better thing to dot your "t's" than cross your "i's." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DAWN OF DOUBT. + +GRETCHEN. "I WONDER IF THIS GENTLEMAN REALLY IS MY GOOD ANGEL AFTER ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Benevolent Gentleman_. "YOU MUST BE CAREFUL, MY MAN, OR YOU +WILL GET CLERGYMAN'S SORE THROAT."] + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +(SECOND SERIES.) + +XV.--THE TOWER. + + They put a Lady in the Tower, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + They put a Lady in the Tower + And told her she was in their power + And left her there for half-an-hour, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + + They put a Padlock on the Chain, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + They put a Padlock on the Chain, + But they left the Key in the South of Spain, + So the Lady took it off again, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + + They put a Bulldog at the Door, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + They put a Bulldog at the Door, + He was so old he could only snore, + And he'd lost his Tooth the day before, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + + They put a Beefeater at the Gate, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + They put a Beefeater at the Gate, + But as his age was eighty-eight + His Grandmother said he couldn't wait, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + + They put a Prince to watch the Stair, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + They put a Prince to watch the Stair, + But he had a Golden Ring to spare, + So he married the Lady then and there, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + + And ever since that grievous hour, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + Ever since that grievous hour + When the lovely Lady was in their power + They've never put nobody in the Tower, + Heigh-o, fiddlededee! + + * * * * * + + Flattery from the Front. + + "I got your parcel quite undamaged, and it came at a time when we were + short of grub. I could have eaten a dead monkey, so your cake came in + very useful." + + * * * * * + + "Major-General (Temporary General) Sir Hugh de la Poer Bough, K.C.B., + whose name appears in the New Year list of honours as being promoted to + the rank of lieutenant-general, is a second cousin of Major-General + Hugh Sutlej Kough."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +It is rumoured that he is also connected with that famous fighting family +the GOUGHS. + + * * * * * + +A POSTSCRIPT. + +(_Suggested by a later list of L. & N.W.R. +stations which have been closed._) + + A further list of closured stations + Elicits further protestations. + Blank desolation, grim and stark, + Broods sadly o'er Carpenders Park, + And Friezland, as perhaps is meet, + Is suffering badly from cold feet. + The population of Rhosneigr + Is raging like a wounded tiger; + And those who used to book at Llong + Are using language, loud and strong, + While residents around Chalk Farm + Are filled with anguish and alarm. + + N.B. In our anterior lay + One letter somehow went astray; + We therefore now apologise; + 'Tis Aspley, and not Apsley, Guise. + + * * * * * + +From an article on "Greece and Belgium":-- + + "King Tino has a black record of blood and treachery to answer, and to + compare his case with that of King Leopold is the blackest outrage of + all."--_Star_. + +Personally we think that it were blacker still to compare his case with +that of KING ALBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HI! BILL! DON'T COME DOWN THIS LADDER. I'VE TOOK IT AWAY."] + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE RIFT. + +My wife and I are in perfect agreement about everything. We are like the +Allied Ministers who meet at Paris; we always "arrive at a complete +understanding" in all matters of policy. When strict economy was enjoined +upon us I moved my desk into the dining-room to save a fire. She made a +summer hat out of a bit of my old Panama, encased in the remnants of an +evening gown. All was well. + +I should be giving you a wrong impression altogether if I were to suggest +that there was the slightest difference of opinion between us. I most +solemnly declare that I am as good a patriot as she is. Still, as time goes +on, I do feel a certain uneasiness, a suggestion of a new domestic element +that needs watching. + +We are both in it, but the initiative rests with her. She asks me to take +two Belgian refugees and the housemaid and the dog and the laundry-hamper +along with me in the two-seater to the station, to save petrol. Well, I am +willing. She fills the herbaceous border with alternating potatoes and +carnations. Well, I am more than willing. She bottles peas and beans. And I +say to you that I am proud and happy that she should think of these things. + +Above all she gets at the very root of the food problem. I should say that +here she has advantages over some, as I belong to the class of husband +known as Easily Fed. She has got hold of a whole sheaf of leaflets from the +War Office or somewhere--"When is a pie not a pie?" "Leave out the egg;" +"How to make something out of something else," etc., etc.; and we feed on +those chiefly. She knows I don't like rabbits, and yet I am well aware that +rabbits are repeatedly insinuated in such forms as not to leave a single +clue. I cannot tell you how I admire and approve. Still it makes me +thoughtful sometimes. + +No doubt you will believe that we are being drawn together by sharing these +hardships. Well, yes. In a way. And yet I don't feel easy about it. We are +quite in sympathy, but there is a difference in our point of view. Mine, I +affirm, is the nobler. I economize, although I loathe it; while she, I am +convinced, is beginning to like it. I don't mean to say that she does it on +purpose, but that phrase may give you an idea what I mean. I sometimes +wonder wistfully if the hand that put that ugly new steel contraption at +the back of the fire to save the coal is really the hand that I wooed and +won ten years ago. I see in her the steady growth of an implacable +conscience. In moments of depression I have a horrid feeling that she +always wanted to do this sort of thing and never got a real chance till +now. + +We were extraordinarily happy before the War. We were not at all hard up +and we had no compunctions about spending money. But now--I wonder how +long the War will last? What I am afraid of is the formation of habits. I +am already guarding against it by talking about all the things that we are +going to do after the War. She quite agrees with me about them, but she +isn't enthusiastic. I put my claims pretty high. The garden is to be +reconstructed, and I am adding a wing to the house. We are going to travel +first, and I am not sure that we shan't have a new cook. And we are to have +an Airedale and an Axminster, and a Stilton and a new Panama. + +As a matter of fact that is all bluff on my part. I only want to have +something in hand to bargain with. If I can ever get back to the _status +quo ante_ I will not ask for annexations. + +Well, that is how it is. Most eagerly do I fall in with her latest +suggestion that I should let her clean my flannel suit with benzine (I +don't like the smell of it) instead of getting a new one. Only I live in a +growing fear that the day when peace is signed in Europe will be the signal +for an outbreak of a new form of warfare in our happy home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_ (_from upper window_). "WHATEVER ARE YOU DOING +OUT-OF-DOORS AT _THIS_ TIME OF NIGHT, JANE?" + +_Romantic Maid_. "ONLY THROWING A FEW CRUMBS TO THE OWLS, MA'AM."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT DID MR. ASQUITH DO? + +A famous story tells how a heckler once broke up a Liberal meeting by +asking with raucous iteration, "What did Mr. GLADSTONE say in 1878?" or +whatever year it was. Nobody knew, and neither did the inquirer himself, +but uproar followed and his end was achieved. Now had the question run, +"What did Mr. GLADSTONE do?" how different a result! For Mr. GLADSTONE, +apart from any trifles of statesmanship or legislation, did two priceless +things, as I will show. + +Although, writes the Returned Traveller who in our last number was so +unhappy about the deterioration that has come upon taxi-drivers, I left +England only in October last, I find it a changed place; but no change, not +even the iniquitous prices demanded by London's restaurateurs, or the +increased darkness, or the queer division of _hors d'oeuvres_ into +half-courses and whole-courses (providing an answer at last to the pathetic +query, "What is a sardine?" "A whole course, of course")--no change is so +striking as the fact that when a paper now refers to the PRIME MINISTER or +the PREMIER, it means no longer HERBERT HENRY but DAVID. In a world of flux +and mutability I had come to think of Mr. ASQUITH as a rock, a pyramid, a +pole-star. But, alas! even he was subject to alteration. + +Thinking earnestly upon his career I have realised bow sad it is that he +has bequeathed us no ASQUITH legend. Always reserved and intent, he +discouraged Press gossip to such a degree as actually to have turned the +key on the Tenth Muse. Everybody else might lunch at the hospitable board +in Downing Street, but interviewers had no chance. In vain did the Quexes +of this frivolous city hope for even a crumb--there was nothing for them. +Mr. ASQUITH came into office, held it, and left it without a single +concession to Demos's love of personalia. He did not even wear comic +collars or white hats or a single eyeglass or any other grotesquely +significant thing; and how much poorer are we in consequence and how much +poorer will posterity be! + +Contrast the case of Mr. GLADSTONE, from whom anyone could draw a postcard +and most people a chip of some recently-felled tree, and who is in my mind +wonderful and supreme by reason of two inventions which, though no one +would ever guess them to be the result of a Prime Minister's cogitations, +deserve the widest fame. Of these one was the product of his unaided +genius; the other the result of the collaboration with his wife. + +Let us begin with the individual triumph. + +Everyone who has ever stayed under anyone else's roof, from a +dine-and-sleep at Windsor Castle to a week in lovely Lucerne, has been +confronted, when packing-up time arrived, with the problem of the sponge. +No matter how muscular the fingers that wring this article, no matter how +thick and costly the rubbered receptacle that holds it, there is always the +chance of dampness communicating itself to other things in the bag. Isn't +there? + +How so to squeeze the sponge as to drive out the last drop of moisture was +the problem before the massive intellect of the Grand Old Man. Need I say +that he solved it? His method, as he himself in his unselfish way, told one +of the diarists, possibly Sir M.E. GRANT-DUFF, possibly Mr. G.W.E. +RUSSELL--I forget whom--was to wrap up the sponge in a bath-towel and jump +on it. Here, for the historical painter, is a theme indeed--something worth +all the ordinary dull occasions which provoke his talented if somewhat +staid brush: the great Liberal statesman, the promoter of Home Rule, the +author of _The Impregnable Rock of Holy Scripture_, leaping upon the +bath-towel that held his sponge. But no historical painter could do justice +to such a scene. It needs the movies. + +Those of us then who dry our sponges in this way--and I am a fervent +devotee--owe the inventor a meed of praise. And equally those of us who put +into our hot water bottles at night hot tea instead of hot water (as I +never have done and never mean to do), so that, waking in the small hours, +we may yet not be without refreshment, owe a meed of praise to the same +inspired innovator, for, if the chroniclers are correct, it was Mrs. +GLADSTONE'S habit to retire to rest with a bottle thus nutritiously filled, +which would be ready for her great man on his return from the House weary +and athirst. + +Here we see the difference between Liberal Premiers. For what has Mr. +ASQUITH done towards the solution of domestic problems? Who can name a +thing? Has he devised a collar stud that cannot be lost? Has he hit upon a +way instantly to stop a shaving cut from bleeding? Has he contrived a taxi +window that will open when shut or shut when open? No. In all these years +he has spared no time for any inventions. + +No wonder then that he was found wanting and forced to resign. + + * * * * * + + A Scot among the Cynics. + + "The railway fares are being raised, we are told, to stop pleasure + travelling, but it can hardly be imagined that a munition worker going + home to spend his week-end with his family is bent on pleasure."-- + _Glasgow Evening News_. + + * * * * * + + "Beautiful set of civic cat; very large stole and muff; accept + L12."--_The Lady_. + +As DICK WHITTINGTON'S mascot is the only civic cat known to history we +think the relic should be secured for the Guildhall Museum. + + * * * * * + + "Simply as a citizen and as a non-party man, I want to say that Mr. + Asquith has my affection and respect--and that is the highest guerdon + that any statesman can have."--_Extract from Letter in Yorkshire + Paper_. + +We know now why Mr. ASQUITH refused a peerage. He did not want to vex his +modest admirer. + + * * * * * + + "At Caxton Hall the conference was resumed of municipal authorities + interested in the conversation of old fruit, sardine and salmon + tins."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. + +We ourselves always listen with pleasure to their talk. It has at once a +fruity and a fishy flavour. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gentleman_ (_In favour of national work for everyone_). +"AND WHY SHOULDN'T PEOPLE BE DOING TO-DAY WHAT THEY NEVER DREAMED OF DOING +BEFORE THE WAR?" + +_New Assistant_ (_his first operation_). "EXACTLY, SIR. ALL THE SAME, IF +ANYBODY HAD TOLD ME TWO DAYS AGO THAT I SHOULD NOW BE CUTTING THE HAIR OF A +COMPLETE STRANGER, I'D NEVER HAVE BELIEVED 'IM."] + +WARS OF THE PAST. + +(_As recorded in the Press of the period._) + +VI. + +_From "The Athens Advertiser and Piraeus Post_." + +MACEDONIA'S ARMY. + +THE FAMOUS PHALANX. + + (_By our Military Expert_.) + +The Macedonian Army has recently undergone an entire reconstruction at the +hands of KING PHILIP. It is now organised on a national and territorial +basis and is divided into infantry and cavalry. The cavalry predominates +and is therefore the stronger arm. The unit of cavalry is the squadron, of +infantry the battalion. (It is of the utmost interest to note that there +are two battalions in a regiment, each about fifteen hundred strong). + +KING PHILIP, it will be remembered, received his military education in the +school of EPAMINONDAS, who, as is well known, revolutionised the Higher +Thought of every Higher Command by the discovery and application of a +single tactical fact--namely, that the chances of A being able to give B a +stronger push than B can give him are _in direct ratio to the numerical +superiority of A over B_. It follows, then, that, faced with a sufficient +superiority, B _must_ retire, and _the initiative then rests with the side +that possesses it_. + +In pursuance of this tactical ideal EPAMINONDAS argued that the old method +of winning battles, which was that A should exercise superior force against +every point of B's line (or body), required that A should be bigger than B, +buskin for buskin and brisket for brisket. But since it is sufficient, +while "refusing" the rest of one's own body (or line), to bring an +overwhelming force to bear on the point of a person's jaw, in order to +discomfit him, so in a battle a numerically inferior A, by concentrating on +a vital point of numerically superior B, can gain a local numerical +superiority which will enable him to rout B utterly. (This is always +supposing that B is not doing the same thing himself on the other wing, in +which case each army would miss the other altogether--a condition of things +into which the military art does not care to follow them). + +Hence the phalanx or "preponderating mass formation." The Macedonian +development of this depends (to reduce the matter to the simple algebraical +formula to which all military problems are susceptible) on the fact that if +_x_ equals the greatest efficiency of an army, and the rooted square of +stability to the _n_th rank equals the phalanx, then the rooted square of +stability to the _n_th rank equals _x_ minus the tangential curve of +velocity of mobility. This should be plain even to the amateur student of +tactics. Blending almost a military expert's appreciation of this cardinal +doctrine with his natural selfishness as a leader of cavalry, PHILIP has +given to this, the mobile arm, much of the striking power of the original +phalanx. This is now placed in the centre, its business being mainly to +force a salient in the enemy's line, the two resultant enclaves of which +can then be shattered (at their re-entrants) by the cavalry squadrons, +hurled forward on both phalanks. It should be noted, as a brilliant example +of PHILIP'S staff work, that in the Macedonian Army, for the avoidance of +confusion in the field, "phalanks" is now spelt "flanks." + +To the intelligent student who has followed me thus far in these articles +it should not be necessary to explain again the terms "enclave," "salient," +and "re-entrant." "Tactical" is a term used when one is not using the term +"strategical," and _vice versa_. + + * * * * * + + "In the words of Bacon, it should be 'read, marked, learned and + inwardly digested.'"--_Financial Paper_. + +Our gay contemporary does not tell us whether it was before or after +completing the works usually attributed to SHAKSPEARE that BACON compiled +the Book of Common Prayer. + + * * * * * + +THE FLAPPER. + +[Dr. ARTHUR SHADWELL, in the January _Nineteenth Century_, in his article +on "Ordeal by Fire," after denouncing idlers and loafers and shirkers, +falls foul "above all" of the young girls called flappers, "with high +heels, skirts up to their knees and blouses open to the diaphragm, painted, +powdered, self-conscious, ogling: 'Allus adallacked and dizened oot and a +'unting arter the men.'"] + + Good Dr. ARTHUR SHADWELL, who lends lustre to a name + Which DRYDEN in his satires oft endeavoured to defame, + Has lately been discussing in a high-class magazine + The trials that confront us in the year Nineteen Seventeen. + + He is not a smooth-tongued prophet; no, he takes a serious view; + We must make tremendous efforts if we're going to win through; + And though he's not unhopeful of the issue of the fray + He finds abundant causes for misgiving and dismay. + + Our optimistic journals his exasperation fire, + And the idlers and the loafers stimulate his righteous ire; + But it is the flapper chiefly that in his gizzard sticks, + And he's down upon her failings like a waggon-load of bricks. + + She's ubiquitous in theatres, in rail and 'bus and tram, + She wears her "blouses open down to the diaphragm," + And, instead of realising what our men are fighting for, + She's an orgiastic nuisance who in fact _enjoys_ the War. + + It's a strenuous indictment of our petticoated youth + And contains a large substratum of unpalatable truth; + Our women have been splendid, but the Sun himself has specks, + And the flapper can't be reckoned as a credit to her sex. + + Still it needs to be remembered, to extenuate her crimes, + That these flappers have not always had the very best of times; + And the life that now she's leading, with no Mentors to restrain, + Is decidedly unhinging to an undeveloped brain. + + Then again we only see her when she's out for play or meals, + And distresses the fastidious by her gestures and her squeals, + But she is not always idle or a decorative drone, + And if she wastes her wages, well, she wastes what is her own. + + Still to say that she's heroic, as some scribes of late have said, + Is unkind as well as foolish, for it only swells her head; + She oughtn't to be flattered, she requires to be repressed, + Or she'll grow into a portent and a peril and a pest. + + Dr. SHADWELL to the PREMIER makes an eloquent appeal + In firm and drastic fashion with this element to deal; + And 'twould be a real feather in our gifted Cambrian's cap + If he taught the peccant flapper less flamboyantly to flap. + + But, in _Punch's_ way of thinking, 'tis for women, kind and wise, + These neglected scattered units to enrol and mobilize, + Their vagabond activities to curb and concentrate, + And turn the skittish hoyden to a servant of the State. + + She's young; her eyes are dazzled by the glamour of the streets; + She has to learn that life is not all cinemas and sweets; + But given wholesome guidance she may rise to self-control + And earn the right of entry on the Nation's golden Roll. + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY STEGGLES. + +Steggles is my groom, and my crowning mercy. But for his deafness I am sure +he would long since have left the humble rank of gunner far beneath him, +and the Staff might have gained a brilliant strategist. In addition to +dulness of hearing, Steggles is endowed--I should indeed be ungrateful to +use the word afflicted--with a vacuity of expression which puts rivals or +antagonists off their guard, and doubles his value during the vicissitudes +of active service. What would be handicaps to ordinary men Steggles turns +to the advantage of himself, Sapphira my mare, and me. + +When on the march the Battery arrives at the morass allotted to it for +horse lines, I know that all will be well with the mud-bespattered +Sapphira. Steggles leaps from the waggon whereon, in company with one of +the cooks, he tours the pleasant land of France, and receives the mare. +With his toes strangely pointed out, he leads her away from the scene of +labour and language, disappearing amidst the hovels of the adjacent +village. Often I never see him or obtain news of him till next morning, +when he produces Sapphira polished like a silk hat and every scrap of metal +about her sparkling. Occasionally I have tracked him to the shelter where +he secretes and waits upon Sapphira, always to find that he has discovered +and occupied the best stable in the village. The grooms of my +brother-officers never learn that Steggles' vacuous expression is the +disguise of an intellect subtle, discriminating and alert, so they never +trouble to endeavour to forestall him. To find Sapphira is to find +Steggles, as he always likes to spread his blanket where she could tread on +him if she wanted anything during the night. + +From time to time he chooses the occasion of a night's halt on the march to +indulge in a bilious attack; but he has no other vice except an inveterate +reluctance to leave off polishing my boots when I mount. No matter how +Sapphira may prance and back and sidle, he follows her round and round with +a remnant of a shirt, rubbing mud-spots off my boots in the stirrup. It is +quite useless to bellow, "That will do, Steggles!"--his ideal is the +unattainable perfection, and he persists. I have to escape by giving +Sapphira the spur at the risk of knocking Steggles into the mud, or be late +in turning out. + +He never gives anything, even his own performances, unqualified praise; in +fact it is extremely hard to win from him any encomium higher than "It's +not too bad." Perhaps there is Scotch blood in his veins. + +I very much want to recommend him for some decoration, but the organization +likely to appreciate the most gallant of his deeds has not yet been +formed--the S.P.G.P., or Society for the Preservation of Government +Property. + +Steggles was once riding behind me down a valley liberally dimpled with +shell-holes, further dimples being in process of formation as we rode. I +was returning from an O Pip, or Observation Post, and Steggles was carrying +a pair of my boots with a rolled puttee stuffed into each. Suddenly I was +aware that he had wheeled his horse about, and was trotting back towards +the most dimply area of the valley. Out of regard for his family, I +cantered after him. He broke into a gallop. When, after a thrilling ride, I +caught him and had a little talk amongst the dimples, it appeared that he +had dropped one of the puttees, and wished to return and look for it. This +incident will, I think, demonstrate the exceptional character of the man, +who did not appear to regard himself as a hero, or to pose as a desperate +_farceur_, or to aspire to the post of Q.M.S., though, incredible as it may +seem, the puttee in question was of the variety G.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Orderly Officer_. "WHY DON'T YOU CHALLENGE ME?" + +_Latest called-up Recruit_. "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING." + +_Orderly Officer_. "WHAT DID THE CORPORAL SAY WHEN HE POSTED YOU?" + +_Recruit_. "I WOULDN'T LIKE TO REPEAT IT TO AN OFFICER, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +To those who would learn what soldiering is like in the armies of +democratic France I would heartily commend two books recently published by +Messrs. ALLEN AND UNWIN, _Battles and Bivouacs_, by JACQUES ROUJON, and +_The Diary of a French Private_, by GASTON RIOU. M. ROUJON, infantryman of +the line, was in private life a journalist on _Le Figaro_; M. RIOU, Red +Cross orderly, a liberal lay-theologian and writer of European reputation. +The former's transliterator ("Munitions are distributed around," writes he +undismayed; and has also discovered a territory known as "Oriental +Prussia") obtrudes a little between author and reader. M. RIOU fares +better; but both contrive to give a really vivid impression of the horrors +and anxieties of the early days of the War before the tide turned at the +Marne, of the flying rumours so far from the actual truth, of the fine +spirit of _camaraderie_ in common danger, of the intimate relations between +officers and men, details, terrible or trivial, of campaigning, and, +because our spirited brothers-in-arms are not ashamed to express their +innermost feelings, of the deeper emotions at work under the surface +gaieties. M. RIOU'S narrative is mainly the record of his year's captivity +in a Bavarian fort. On his way he faced the fanatical hatred and cruelty of +the German civilians, of the women especially, with a cynical fortitude. +The commandant of his prison, Baron von STENGEL, was, however, a gentleman +and a brick, and did everything in his power to make the difficult life +bearable. An episode pleasant to recall is the reception of the Russian +prisoners (intended by their captors to cause dissensions) by their French +comrades in misfortune. The whole record gives an impression of fine +courage and resourcefulness. + + * * * * * + +Very probably you are already acquainted with that restful and admirable +book, _Father Payne_ (SMITH, ELDER), of which a new edition has just now +been published. The point of this new edition is that, in its special +Preface, the genesis and authorship of the book are assigned, for the first +time on this side the Atlantic, to Mr. A.C. BENSON. And the point of the +new preface is that it entirely gives away the original edition (also +printed here), in which the secret was elaborately concealed. My wonder is, +reading the book with this added knowledge, that anyone can have at any +time failed to detect in it the gently persuasive hand of the Master of +Magdalene, Cambridge. You remember, no doubt, how _Father Payne_ (a +courtesy title), having had a small estate left to him, proceeded to turn +it into the home of a secular community for young men desirous of pursuing +the literary gift, and how he financed, encouraged and generally supervised +them. Leisure, an exquisite setting, and the society of enthusiastic and +personally-selected youth--one might call the book perhaps a Tutor's Dream +of the Millennium. Anyhow, _Father Payne_, as shown in this volume, which +is practically a record of his table-talk upon a great variety of themes, +is exactly the gentle, shrewd and idealistic philosopher whom (knowing his +parentage) one would expect. Bensonians (of the A.C. pattern) will +certainly be glad to have what must surely have been their suspicions +confirmed, and to admit _Father Payne_ to the shelves of authenticity. + + * * * * * + +Miss DOROTHEA CONYERS has long ere this established herself as a specialist +of repute in Irish sporting tales. You will need but one look at the +picture wrapper of _The Financing of Fiona_ (ALLEN) to see that a +repetition of the same agreeable mixture awaits you within. _Fiona_ was a +charming young woman (Irish, of course) with a rich uncle and a poor, very +unattractive cousin, who loved her for her expectations. As _Fiona_ had no +conception about money beyond the spending of it, the uncle made a will, +whose object was that she should have plenty. The suitor, however, knowing +of this, and being a naughty, rather improbable person, destroyed part of +it, with the result that _Fiona_ was apparently left only the ancestral +home and no cash to keep it up. So she was forced to take in gentleman +boarders for the hunting, and (for propriety's sake) to invent a mythical +chaperon, who lived above stairs. And, after all, she needn't have done any +such thing, because the rich uncle, in leaving her all the contents of the +mansion, had foolishly forgotten to mention a secret drawer full of +Canadian securities. As for the villain, I really hardly dare tell you the +impossibly silly way in which he allowed himself to be caught out. But of +course all this melodrama is not what matters. The important thing about +Miss CONYERS' people is that (whatever their private worries) a-hunting +they will go; and _Fiona_, financed by her paying guests, shows in this +respect as capital sport as any of her predecessors. For the rest, I can +hardly say with honesty that the story is equal to its author's best form. + + * * * * * + +What I like particularly about Mr. FREDERICK NIVEN is the friendly way in +which he contrives to make his readers and himself into a family party. "We +must," he writes at the beginning of a chapter in _Cinderella of Skookum +Greek_ (NASH), "get a move on with the story, in case you become more tired +of Archer's compound fracture than he was himself." This is by no means the +only occasion on which he shows his thoughtfulness for us, and I think it +very kind and nice of him. At the same time I will ungraciously admit that +the weak point of his story is that it does not move quite fast enough. +Admirable artist in psychology and atmosphere, his plot, if you can call it +a plot, is very slight. _Cyrus Archer_, the young American of the compound +fracture (who had my sympathy from the start because he could never +remember dates), goes out into the back of beyond for a spell before +settling down to married life and a place in his father's business, and at +Skookum Creek, where he grows tomatoes and studies Indians, he meets his +_Cinderella_, with the result that his life has to be completely +rearranged. A commonplace tale, but there is a rare and distinct flavour +about the telling of it. Mr. NIVEN'S manner has indeed a very particular +charm, over which one would take an even keener pleasure in lingering if +only he himself lingered a little less over his story. + + * * * * * + +I hardly think that Madame ALBANESI has chosen quite the most appropriate +name for the story that she calls _Hearts and Sweethearts_ (HUTCHINSON). +Personally, I fancy that _Suits and Lawsuits_ would have come nearer the +mark; because, though there is a certain proportion of love-making in the +tale, there is considerably more about going to law. One difficulty with +which I fancy the writer had to contend is due to the fact that her hero +and heroine are (in a sense) the opposing protagonists in a case of +disputed succession; _Jemima Frant_ being engaged in the attempt to turn +out _Sir John Norminster_ from his estates and establish the claim to them +of her dead sister's child. Naturally, therefore, till this is settled +their opportunities for the tender passion are, to put it very gently, +restricted. But of course--well, a novel with such a title is hardly likely +to leave anybody of importance unmarried at the final page. Before this is +turned, you have some pleasant comedy of London in war-time, and meet a +number of agreeably sketched persons, whose conversation may amuse you, or, +on the other hand, may cause you to wish them a little less discursive. +Madame ALBANESI indeed impressed me as having occasionally turned her +subordinate characters loose into a chapter, with instructions to fill it +up anyhow, while she herself thought out the next move. But the law was +always leisurely, so this characteristic might perhaps be expected in a +story so much concerned with it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Mother_ (_overhauling little Tommy's wardrobe_). "OH, +CHARLES, JUST SEE WHAT THAT DREADFUL CHILD HAS BEEN CARRYING ABOUT IN HIS +POCKET! A REAL CARTRIDGE WITH A BULLET IN IT. HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN BLOWN TO +BITS!" + +_The Father_ (_with a glowing consciousness of assisting his country at a +critical time_). "JUST PUT IT IN A COOL PLACE FOR TO-NIGHT, MY DEAR, AND I +WILL LEAVE IT AT THE WAR OFFICE TO-MORROW ON MY WAY TO BUSINESS."] + + * * * * * + +Handel in War-Time. + + "The anthem 'O Thou that tillest' (Messiah), will be + rendered."--_Dublin Evening Mail_. + +No pains are being spared to promote agriculture in Ireland. + + * * * * * + + "The river in many places has overflown its banks."-- + _Henley Newspaper_. + +Even Father Thames cannot resist the modern mania for aviation. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a review of Dr. JOHN FITZPATRICK'S "_This Realm, This +England_":-- + + "From a Scotsman, we deprecate the definition of 'This Realm' as + 'England,' and would suggest to the learned doctor that he would have + done nothing derogatory to himself, even in the eyes of Englishmen, if + he had used the really correct and comprehensive name Britain."--_Scots + Pictorial_. + +SHAKSPEARE (ghost of), please note. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +152, JANUARY 10, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 14135.txt or 14135.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/1/3/14135 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |