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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:47 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:47 -0700 |
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diff --git a/14135-h/14135-h.htm b/14135-h/14135-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c38b38 --- /dev/null +++ b/14135-h/14135-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2185 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 10, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + .author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .scene {margin-left: 10%;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + a:link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:red} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14135 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +January 10, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 10th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" + id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The effect of the curtailed train-service throughout the + country is already observable. On certain sections of one of + our Southern lines there are no trains running except those + which started prior to January 1st.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The new Treasury Notes, we are told, are to have a picture + of the House of Commons on the back. It is hoped that other + places of amusement, such as the Crystal Palace and the + Imperial Institute, will be represented on subsequent + issues.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced from Germany that arrangements have been + made whereby criminals are to be enrolled in the army. They + have, of course, already conducted many of its operations.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> there are only + twenty-three full Generals in the British Army—a total + identical with that of the late Cabinet. It is only fair to the + army to state that the number is purely a coincidence.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="center">"THE RISE IN BOOT PRICES<br /> + WOMEN'S LARGE PURCHASES."</p> + + <p>The above headlines in a contemporary have caused a good + deal of natural jealousy among members of the Force.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"At them and through them!" says the <i>Hamburger + Fremdenblatt</i> in a seasonable message to the commander of + the Turkish Navy. This will not deceive the Turk, who is + beginning to realise that, while the invitation to go <i>at</i> + the enemy is sincere, any opportunities of "going + <i>through</i>" him will be exclusively grasped by his Teutonic + ally.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Prince BUELOW has again arrived in Switzerland. It is these + bold and dramatic strokes that lift the German diplomat above + the ranks of the commonplace.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is explained by a railway official that a passenger who + pays threepence for a ticket to-day is really only giving the + company twopence, the rest being water, owing to the decline in + the purchasing power of money. A movement is now on foot among + some of the regular passengers to endeavour to persuade the + companies to consent to take their fares neat for the + future.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At his Coronation the Emperor KARL OF AUSTRIA waved the + sword of ST. STEPHEN towards the four corners of the earth, to + indicate his intention to protect his empire against all its + foes. The incident has been receiving the earnest consideration + of the KAISER, who has now finally decided that in the + circumstances it is not necessary to regard it as an unfriendly + act.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It was felt that the ceremonies connected with the + Coronation ought to be curtailed out of regard for the + sufferings due to the War. So they dispensed with the customary + distribution of bread to the poor.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lecturing to a juvenile audience Professor ARTHUR KEITH said + that there was no difference between detectives and scientists, + and some of the older boys are still wondering whether he was + trying to popularise science or to discredit detective + stories.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Germans cannot now obtain footwear, it is reported, without + a permit card. Nevertheless we know a number of them who are + assured of getting the boot without any troublesome + formalities.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Burglars have stolen eighteen ducks from the estate of + BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. It will be interesting to note how their + defence—that "Necessity knows no law"—is received + by the distinguished advocate of the invasion of Belgium.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Taxicab drivers must expect a very low standard of + intoxication to apply to them," said the Lambeth magistrate + last week. On the other hand the police should be careful not + to misinterpret the air of light-hearted devilry that endeared + the "growler" to the hearts of an older generation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated that £2,250,000 has been sent by Germany + into Switzerland to raise the exchanges. A much larger sum, + according to Mr. PUTNAM, was sent into the United States merely + to raise the wind.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Referring to the Highland regiments a <i>Globe</i> writer + says, "The streets of London will reel with the music of the + pipes when they come back." This is one of those obstacles to + peace that has been overlooked by the KAISER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/17.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/17s.png" + alt="PRIVATE SLOGGER, JUST ARRIVED WITH LAST DRAFT AND ON GUARD DUTY FOR FIRST TIME, FORGETS HIMSELF" /> + </a> + + <p>PRIVATE SLOGGER, JUST ARRIVED WITH LAST DRAFT AND ON + GUARD DUTY FOR FIRST TIME, FORGETS HIMSELF WHEN THE COLONEL + APPEARS ACCOMPANIED BY HIS DAUGHTER.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" + id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> + + <h2>VIENNA-BOUND: A REVERIE EN ROUTE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + [A Wireless Press telegram says: "The German Imperial train + has reached Constantinople in order to transport the Sultan + to Vienna, to take part in the conference of Sovereigns to + be held there."] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I hate all trains and told them so;</p> + + <p class="i2">I said that I should much prefer</p> + + <p class="i2">(Being, as Allah knows, no traveller)</p> + + <p>To stick to Stamboul and the <i>status quo</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They said, "If you would rather walk,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pray do so; it will save the fare;"</p> + + <p class="i2">Which shows that WILLIAM (who will take + the Chair)</p> + + <p>Insists that I shall come and hear him talk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've never tried a train before;</p> + + <p class="i2">It makes me sick; it knocks my + nerves;</p> + + <p class="i2">The noises and the tunnels and the + curves</p> + + <p>Add a new horror to the woes of war.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What am I here for, anyhow?</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm summoned for appearance' sake,</p> + + <p class="i2">To nod approval at the Chief, but + take</p> + + <p>No further part in his one-man pow-wow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My job is just to sit, it seems,</p> + + <p class="i2">And act the silent super's + <i>rôle</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">The while I wish myself, with all my + soul,</p> + + <p>Safe back in one or more of my hareems.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd let the Conference go hang;</p> + + <p class="i2">Any who likes can have my pew</p> + + <p class="i2">And play at peace-talk with this pirate + crew,</p> + + <p>WILLIAM and KARL and FERDIE—what a gang!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our Chairman wants to save his skin</p> + + <p class="i2">And (curse this train!) to cook a + plan</p> + + <p class="i2">For Germany to pouch what spoils she + can—</p> + + <p>All very nice; but where do I come in?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At best I'm but the missing link</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon his Berlin-Baghdad line;</p> + + <p class="i2">This is the senior partner's show, not + mine;</p> + + <p>Will he consult my feelings? I don't think.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Russia's gain should mean my loss,</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll wince at Teuton schemes cut + short,</p> + + <p class="i2">But for my grief, expelled from my own + Porte,</p> + + <p>Will he care greatly? Not one little toss.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, as I've said and said again,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis Fate (Kismet), and, should it + frown,</p> + + <p class="i2">We Faithful have to take it lying + down—</p> + + <p>And yet, by Allah, how I loathe this train!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">O. S.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "A subaltern friend of mine landed at Gibraltar for a few + hours, and he was anxious to be able to say that he had + been to Spain. So he walked along the Isthmus to Ceuta, + where the British and Spanish sentries faced one another, + and directly the Spanish soldier turned his head he hopped + quickly over into Spain. Then the sentry turned round, and + he hopped back again even more quickly."—<i>Daily + Sketch.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Those of our readers who have walked from the Gibraltar + frontier to Morocco and back, like the above subaltern, know + that it takes some doing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "JAMES PHILLIPS, 16, was charged with doing damage to the + extent of £4 10s. at a refreshment shop in Hackney + belonging to Peter Persico. As he was kept waiting a little + time he broke a plate on the table; then he put a saucer + under his heel and broke it. When remonstrated with he + broke 10 cups and saucers by throwing them at partitions + and enamelled decorations, and overturned a marble table, + the top of which he smashed."—<i>The Times.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>No doubt he was incited to these naughty deeds by the line, + very popular in Hackney circles, "Persico's odi, puer, + apparatus."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>The Emperor of AUSTRIA and Count + TISZA</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. So there is the full account, your Majesty, of + men killed, wounded and captured.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. It is a gloomy list and I hardly can + bear to consider it.</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. Yes, and beyond the mere list of casualties by + fighting there are other matters to be considered. Food is + scarce and of a poor quality, in Hungary as elsewhere. The + armies we can yet feed, but the home-staying men and the women + and children are a growing difficulty. It becomes more and more + impossible to provide them with sufficient nourishment.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. It is strange, but in Austria the + conditions are said to be even worse.</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. You are right, Sire, they are worse, much + worse.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. Well, we must lose no time then. We must + buy great stocks of food. More money must be spent.</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. More money? But where is it to come from? Not + from Hungary, where we are within a narrow margin of financial + collapse, and not in Austria, where there is already to all + intents and purposes a state of bankruptcy. More money is not + to be got, for we have none ourselves and nobody will lend us + any.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. You paint the situation in dark colours, + my friend TISZA.</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. I paint it as it is, Sire, at any rate as I + see it. It is not the part of a Royal Counsellor to act + otherwise.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. Yes, but there might be others who would + take a different view, and support their belief with equally + good reasons.</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. Not if they know the facts and are faithful to + their duty as Ministers of the State. Here and there, no doubt, + might be found foolish and ambitious men who would be willing + to deceive, first themselves and then their Emperor, as to the + true condition of affairs. But, if your Majesty trusted them + and allowed them to guide you, you would learn too late how ill + they had understood their duty. I myself, though determined to + do everything in my power to promote the welfare of Hungary and + its King, would willingly stand aside if you think that others + would give you greater strength.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. I have every reason to trust you most + fully. Have you any plan for extricating us from this dreadful + morass of failure and difficulty into which we are plunged?</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. Your Majesty, there is only one way. We must + have peace, and must have it as soon as possible.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor.</i> I too think we must have peace, but how + shall we obtain it when we have a friend and ally who watches + us with the closest care, and would not allow us even to hint + at any steps that would really lead to peace?</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. Sire, you are a young man, but you are a scion + of a great and ancient House, which was powerful and + illustrious when the Hohenzollerns were but mean and petty + barbarian princelings. Withdraw yourself, while the opportunity + is still with you, from the fatal domination of this vain and + inflated upstart who endeavours to serve only his own selfish + designs. Our enemies will make peace with you, and thus he too + will be forced to abandon the War. With him and with the deeds + that have outraged the world they will not initiate any + movement that tends to peace. He must go through his + punishment, as indeed we all must, but his, I think, will be + heavier than ours.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. Then you want me to make peace?</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. If it could be done by holding up your hand, I + would urge you to hold it up at once.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor</i>. And what would the world say?</p> + + <p><i>Tisza</i>. The world would glorify your name.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" + id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <a href="images/19.png"><img src="images/19s.png" + alt="A SHORT WAY WITH TINO." /></a> + + <h3>A SHORT WAY WITH TINO.</h3> + + <p>THE BIG GUN (<i>ringing up the Entente Exchange</i>). + "OH, YOU <i>ARE</i> THERE, ARE YOU? WELL, PUT ME ON TO + NUMBER ONE, ATHENS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page20" + id="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span> + + <h2>A KNIGHT-ERRANT.</h2> + + <p>Sister Baynes came into my room just as I was putting on my + out-door uniform and wanted to know how I was spending my two + hours off duty. She is full of curiosity about—she calls + it interest in—other people's affairs. When I told her I + was going out to buy a birthday present she looked rather + stern. Said she:—</p> + + <p>"The giving of unnecessary presents has become a luxury + which few of us nowadays think it right to afford."</p> + + <p>I didn't answer her because at the moment I could think of + no really adequate reason why Bobbie <i>should</i> have a + present, except that I so very much wanted to give him one. + Bobbie is tall and young and red-haired and, of course, khaki + clad. We are going to be married "when the War is over."</p> + + <p>I pondered Sister Baynes' words until I reached Oxford + Street, and then forgot them in the interest of choosing the + present. For a while I hesitated between cigarettes and + chocolates, and finally decided on the latter. Bobbie is a + perfect pig about sweets. I bought a comfortable-looking box, + ornamented with a St. George, improbably attired in khaki, + slaying a delightful German dragon clad in blue and a Uhlan + helmet. St. George had red hair and a distinct look of Bobbie, + which was one reason why I got him.</p> + + <p>This business accomplished, I thought I would call on a + friend who lives near by. She is middle-aged and rather sad, + and spends her time pushing trolleys about a munition works. + Just now, however, I knew she had a cold and couldn't go out. I + found her on the floor wrestling with brown paper, preparing a + parcel for her soldier on Salisbury Plain. She adopted him + through a League, and spends all her spare time and + pocket-money in socks and cigarettes for him. She smiled at me + wanly, with a piece of string between her teeth, and I felt I + simply must do something to cheer her up.</p> + + <p>"I've brought you some chocolates for your cold," I said. + "Eat one and forget the War and the weather," and I handed her + Bobbie's box. Her necessity, as someone says somewhere, seemed + at the moment so much greater than his.</p> + + <p>"You extravagant child!" she said, but her face lightened + for an instant. She admired St. George almost as much as I had + done, but, though she fingered the orange-coloured bow, she did + not untie it, so I concluded she meant to have an orgy by + herself later on. We talked for a while, and then I looked at + the clock and fled for the hospital. She thanked me again for + the chocolates as I went; she really seemed quite pleased with + them.</p> + + <p>Two days later Matron collared me in the passage and gave me + a handful of letters and things to distribute. There was a fat + parcel for Martha, the ward-maid. I found her in the closet + where she keeps her brooms, and gave it her. Her eyes simply + danced as she took it, first carefully wiping her hand on her + apron.</p> + + <p>"It's from my bruvver," she explained. "'Im on Salisbury + Plain. Very good to me 'e always is." She stripped off the + paper and gave a sigh of rapture. "Lor, Nurse, ain't it + beautiful?"</p> + + <p>It was a chocolate box, a comfortable-looking chocolate box, + ornamented with a red-headed St. George, a large blue dragon + and a vivid orange bow.</p> + + <p>"It does seem nice," I agreed.</p> + + <p>"Fancy 'im spending all that on me," said Martha.</p> + + <p>"You'll be able to have quite a feast," said I, smiling at + my old friend St. George.</p> + + <p>Martha looked suddenly shy.</p> + + <p>"I'm not going to keep it," she confided. She came closer to + me. "Do you remember young Renshaw, what used to be in your + ward, Nurse?"</p> + + <p>I nodded; I remembered him well, a cheery boy with a smashed + leg, now in a Convalescent Home by the sea.</p> + + <p>"'Im and me's engaged," said Martha in a hoarse whisper. "I + liked 'im and he liked me, and one day I was doing the windows + 'e asked me. 'E says the food down there is that monopolous, so + I'll send him this 'ere just to cheer 'im up like."</p> + + <p>It seemed an excellent idea to me. I beamed upon Martha. I + helped her to re-wrap St. George, and lent her my fountain-pen + to write the address which was to send my Knight once more upon + his travels. It appeared to me that he and his dragon were + seeing a lot of life.</p> + + <p>Bobbie had arranged to call for me on his birthday, so when + my off duty came I simply flung on my things and raced for the + hall. As I passed Matron's door she called me in. I entered + trembling; it was always a toss-up with Matron whether you were + to be smiled upon or strafed.</p> + + <p>To-day she was lamb-like. She sat at a desk piled high with + papers. Among them lay a vivid coloured object.</p> + + <p>"I've just had a letter from that young Renshaw," she said. + "Such a charming letter, thanking us for all our kindness and + enclosing a present to show his appreciation." She smiled. She + seemed hugely pleased about something. "He addresses it to me," + she went on; "but, though I am grateful for the kind thought, I + do not myself eat chocolates."</p> + + <p>She picked up the box, a comfortable-looking box ornamented + with an orange satin bow.</p> + + <p>"I think these are more in your line than mine," she said, + "and Renshaw was in your ward. You have really the best right + to them."</p> + + <p>She handed me the box of chocolates. I gazed at my travelled + Saint and he gazed back. I could almost have sworn he + winked.</p> + + <p>Clutching him and his dragon, I departed and danced down the + corridor into the hall. There waited Bobbie, red-haired and + khaki-clad, more like St. George than the gallant knight + himself.</p> + + <p>"How do you do?" I greeted him. "Many happy returns, dear + old thing!" As he held out his hand I put something into it. "A + box of chocolates," I explained; "I bought them for your + birthday!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/20.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/20s.png" + alt="THE COMBINATION SCOOTER AND CARPET SWEEPER." /> + </a> THE COMBINATION SCOOTER AND CARPET SWEEPER.<br /> + BUY YOUR SERVANT ONE AND ADD A ZEST TO HER WORK. + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Wanted, for Low Comedian, really Funny Sons."—<i>The + Stage</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>As a change, we suppose, from the eternal mother-in-law.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <a href="images/21.png"><img src="images/21s.png" + alt="I SUPPOSE _I_ AM REALLY NON-ESSENTIAL." /></a> + + <p><i>Inveterate Golfer</i> (<i>stung by the leading + article</i>). "I SUPPOSE <i>I</i> AM REALLY NON-ESSENTIAL. + IT'S HARD TO REALISE THIS WITH ONE'S HANDICAP JUST REDUCED + TO SEVEN."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE REGIMENTAL MASCOT.</h2> + + <p>When his honour the Colonel took the owld rigiment to + France, Herself came home bringin' the rigimental mascot with + her. A big white long-haired billy-goat he was, the same.</p> + + <p>"I'll not be afther lavin him at the daypo," says Herself; + "'tis no place for a domestic animal at all, the language them + little drummer-boys uses, the dear knows," says she.</p> + + <p>So me bowld mascot he stops up at the Castle and makes free + with the flower-beds and the hall and the drawin'-room and the + domestic maids the way he'd be the Lord-Lieutenant o' the land, + and not jist a plain human Angory goat. A proud arrygent + crature it is, be the powers! Steppin' about as disdainy as a + Dublin gerrl in Ballydehob, and if, mebbe, you'd address him + for to get off your flower-beds with the colour of anger in + your mouth he'd let a roar out of him like a Sligo piper with + poteen taken, and fetch you a skelp with his horns that would + lay you out for dead.</p> + + <p>And sorra the use is it of complainin' to Herself.</p> + + <p>"Ah, Delaney, 'tis the marshal sperit widin him," she'd say; + "we must be patient with him for the sake of the owld + rigiment;" and with that she'd start hand-feedin' him with + warmed-up sponge-cake and playin' with his long silky hair.</p> + + <p>"Far be it from me," I says to Mikeen, the herd, "to + question the workings o' Providence, but were I the Colonel of + a rigiment, which I am not, and <i>had</i> to have a mascot, + it's not a raparee billy I'd be afther havin', but a nanny, or + mebbe a cow, that would step along dacently with the rigiment + and bring ye luck, and mebbe a dropeen o' milk for the + orficers' tea as well. If it's such cratures that bring ye + fortune may I die a peaceful death in a poor-house," says + I.</p> + + <p>"I'm wid ye," says Mikeen, groanin', he bein' spotted like a + leopard with bruises by rason of him havin' to comb the + mascot's silky hair twice daily, and the quick temper of the + baste at the tangles.</p> + + <p>The long of a summer the billy stops up at the Castle, + archin' his neck at the wurrld and growin' prouder and prouder + by dint of the standin' he had with the owld rigiment and the + high-feedin' he had from Herself. Faith, 'tis a great delight + we servints had of him I'm tellin' ye! It was as much as your + life's blood was worth to cross his path in the garden, and if + the domestic maids would be meetin' him in the house they'd let + him eat the dresses off them before they dare say a word.</p> + + <p>In the autumn me bowld mascot gets a wee trifle powerful by + dint o' the high-feedin' and the natural nature of the crature. + Herself, wid her iligant lady's nose, is afther noticin' it, + and she sends wan o' the gerrls to tell meself and Mikeen to + wash the baste.</p> + + <p>"There will be murdher done this day," says I to the lad, + "but 'tis the orders—go get the cart-rope and the chain + off the bull-dog, and we'll do it. Faith, it isn't all the + bravery that's at the Front," says I.</p> + + <p>"That's the true wurrd," says he, rubbin' the lumps on his + shins, the poor boy.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Delaney," says the domestic gerrl, drawin' a bottle + from her apron pocket, "Herself says will ye plaze be so + obligin' to sprinkle the mascot wid + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> a dropeen of this ody-koloney + scent—mebbe it will quench his powerfulness, she + says."</p> + + <p>I put the bottle in me pocket. We tripped up me brave goat + with the rope, got the bull's collar and chain, and dragged him + away towards the pond, him buckin' and ragin' between us like a + Tyrone Street lady in the arms of the poliss. To hear the roars + he let out of him would turn your hearts cowld as lead, but we + held on.</p> + + <p>The Saints were wid us; in half-an-hour we had him as wet as + an eel, and broke the bottle of ody-koloney over his back.</p> + + <p>He was clane mad. "God save us all when he gets that chain + off him!" I says. "God save us it is!" says Mikeen, looking + around for a tree to shin.</p> + + <p>Just at the minut we heard a great screechin' o' dogs, and + through the fence comes the harrier pack that the Reserve + orficers kept in the camp beyond. ("Harriers" they called them, + but, begob! there wasn't anythin' they wouldn't hunt from a fox + to a turkey, those ones.)</p> + + <p>"What are they afther chasin'?" says Mikeen.</p> + + <p>"'Tis a stag to-day, be the newspapers," I says, "but the + dear knows they'll not cotch him this month, he must be gone by + this half-hour, and the breath is from them, their tongues is + hangin' out a yard," I says.</p> + + <p>'Twas at that moment the Blessed Saints gave me wisdom.</p> + + <p>"Mikeen," I says, "drag the mascot out before them; we'll + see sport this day."</p> + + <p>"Herself—" he begins.</p> + + <p>"Hoult your whisht," says I, "and come on." With that we + dragged me bowld goat out before the dogs and let go the + chain.</p> + + <p>The dogs sniffed up the strong blast of ody-koloney and let + a yowl out of them like all the banshees in the nation of + Ireland, and the billy legged it for his life—small blame + to him!</p> + + <p>Meself and Mikeen climbed a double to see the sport.</p> + + <p>"They have him," says Mikeen. "They have not," says I; "the + crature howlds them by two lengths."</p> + + <p>"He has doubled on them," says Mikeen; "he is as sly as a + Jew."</p> + + <p>"He is forninst the rabbit holes now," I says. "I thank the + howly Saints he cannot burrow."</p> + + <p>"He has tripped up—they have him bayed," says + Mikeen.</p> + + <p>And that was the mortal truth, the dogs had him.</p> + + <p>Oh, but it was a bowld billy! He went in among those hounds + like a lad to a fair, you could hear his horns lambastin' their + ribs a mile away. But they were too many for him and bit the + grand silky hair off him by the mouthful. The way it flew you'd + think it was a snowstorm.</p> + + <p>"They have him desthroyed," says Mikeen.</p> + + <p>"They have," says I, "God be praised!"</p> + + <p>At the moment the huntsman leps his harse up on the double + beside us; he was phlastered with muck from his hair to his + boots.</p> + + <p>"What have they out there?" says he, blinkin' through the + mud and not knowin' rightly what his hounds were coursin' out + before him, whether it would be a stag or a Bengal tiger.</p> + + <p>"'Tis her ladyship's Rile Imperial Mascot Goat," says I; + "an' God save your honour for she'll have your blood in a + bottle for this day's worrk."</p> + + <p>The huntsman lets a curse out of his stummick and rides + afther them, flat on his saddle, both spurs tearin'. In the + wink of an eye he is down among the dogs, larruppin' them with + his whip and drawin' down curses on them that would wither ye + to hear him—he had great eddication, that orficer.</p> + + <p>"Come now," says I to Mikeen, the poor lad, "let you and me + bear the cowld corpse of the diseased back to Herself; mebbe + she'll have a shillin' handy in her hand, the way she'd reward + us for saving the body from the dogs," says I.</p> + + <p>But was me bowld mascot dead? He was not. He was alive and + well, the thickness of his wool had saved him. For all that he + had not a hair of it left to him, and when he stood up before + you you wouldn't know him; he was that ordinary without his + fleece, he was no more than a common poor man's goat, he was no + more to look at than a skinned rabbit, and that's the + truth.</p> + + <p>He walked home with meself and Mikeen as meek as a young + gerrl.</p> + + <p>Herself came runnin' out, all fluttery, to look at him.</p> + + <p>"Ah, but that's not <i>my</i> mascot," says she.</p> + + <p>"It is, Marm," says I; and I swore to it by the whole + Calendar—Mikeen too.</p> + + <p>"Bah! how disgustin'. Take it to the cow-house," says she, + and stepped indoors without another word.</p> + + <p>We led the billy away, him hangin' his head for shame at his + nakedness.</p> + + <p>"Ye'll do no more mascottin' avic," says I to him. "Sorra + luck you would bring to a blind beggar-man the way you are + now—you'll never step along again with the drums and + tambourines."</p> + + <p>And that was the true word, for though Herself had Mikeen + rubbing him daily with bear's-grease and hair-lotion he never + grew the same grand fleece again, and he'd stand about in the + back-field, brooding for hours together, the divilment clane + gone out of his system; and if, mebbe, you'd draw the stroke of + an ash-plant across his ribs to hearten him, he'd only just + look at you sad-like and pass no remarks.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOP-O'-THE-MORNING.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Top-o'-the-Morning's shoes are off;</p> + + <p class="i2">He runs in the orchard, rough, all + day;</p> + + <p>Chasing the hens for a turn at the trough,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fighting the cows for a place at the + hay;</p> + + <p>With a coat where the Wiltshire mud has dried,</p> + + <p class="i2">With brambles caught in his mane and + tail—</p> + + <p>Top-o'-the-Morning, pearl and pride</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the foremost flight of the White Horse + Vale!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The master he carried is Somewhere in France</p> + + <p class="i2">Leading a cavalry troop to-day,</p> + + <p>Ready, if Fortune but give him the chance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ready as ever to show them the way,</p> + + <p>Riding as straight to his new desire</p> + + <p class="i2">As ever he rode to the line of old,</p> + + <p>Facing his fences of blood and fire</p> + + <p>With a brow of flint and a heart of gold.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do the hoofs of his horses wake a dream</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a trampling crowd at the + covert-side,</p> + + <p>Of a lead on the grass and a glinting stream</p> + + <p class="i2">And Top-o'-the-Morning shortening + stride?</p> + + <p>Does the triumph leap to his shining eyes</p> + + <p class="i2">As the wind of the vale on his cheek + blows cold,</p> + + <p>And the buffeting big brown shoulders rise</p> + + <p class="i2">To his light heel's touch and his light + hand's hold?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the swords are sheathed and the strife is + done,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the cry of hounds is a call to + men;</p> + + <p>When the straight-necked Wiltshire foxes run</p> + + <p class="i2">And the first flight rides on the grass + again;</p> + + <p>May Top-o'-the-Morning, sleek of hide,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shod, and tidy of mane and tail,</p> + + <p>Light, and fit for a man to ride,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lead them once more in the White Horse + Vale!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">W.H.O.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Polygamy in Workington.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Supper was served by some of the wives of some of the + members."—<i>Workington News</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <h3>TRAGEDY OF A DUTIFUL WIFE.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/23-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-1s.png" + alt="I SAY, THAT MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON SEEMS A JOLLY WOMAN" /> + </a> + + <p>"I SAY, THAT MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON SEEMS A JOLLY + WOMAN—WHAT?" "ISN'T SHE A + LITTLE—ER——"</p> + + <p>"NOT A BIT OF IT. A WOMAN OUGHT TO BE CHEERY, ESPECIALLY + IN THESE TIMES." "I SEE, DEAR."</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/23-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-2s.png" + alt="WHAT ON EARTH" /></a> + + <p>"WHAT ON EARTH——?"</p> + + <p>"I'M MAKING A NEW HAT, DEAR. I SAW MRS. DASHWOOD + SPIFFINGTON WEARING ONE VERY LIKE THIS."</p> + </div><br clear="all" /> + + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/23-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-3s.png" + alt="GREAT HEAVENS! WHAT ARE YOU CUTTING YOUR NEW DRESS TO BITS FOR?" /> + </a> + + <p>"GREAT HEAVENS! WHAT ARE YOU CUTTING YOUR NEW DRESS TO + BITS FOR?"</p> + + <p>"IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR. MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON HAS ONE + QUITE AS SHORT AS THIS."</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/23-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-4s.png" + alt="GOOD LORD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE?" /> + </a> + + <p>"GOOD LORD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE?"</p> + + <p>"MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON ALWAYS MAKES UP A LITTLE WHEN + SHE'S GOING OUT. OH—I FORGOT TO TELL YOU—I + HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY DINNER, AS I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO AND + DINE AT A RESTAURANT."</p> + </div><br clear="all" /> + + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/23-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-5s.png" + alt="AREN'T YOU MAKING YOURSELF RATHER CONSPICUOUS?" /> + </a> + + <p>"AREN'T YOU MAKING YOURSELF RATHER CONSPICUOUS?"</p> + + <p>"BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED CHEERY PEOPLE LIKE MRS. + DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON."</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/23-6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-6s.png" + alt="I'M AWFULLY SORRY, DEAR. I OUGHT TO HAVE PRACTISED SMOKING." /> + </a> + + <p>"I'M AWFULLY SORRY, DEAR. I OUGHT TO HAVE PRACTISED + SMOKING. I EXPECT MRS. DASHWOOD + SPIFFINGTON——"</p> + + <p>"D—— MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON!"</p> + + <p>"VERY WELL, DEAR."</p> + </div><br clear="all" /> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" + id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> + + <div class="figcenter"> + <a href="images/24.png"><img src="images/24s.png" + alt="THE PINCH OF WAR." /></a> + + <h3>THE PINCH OF WAR.</h3> + + <p><i>Lady of the House</i> (<i>War Profiteer's wife, + forlornly</i>). "THEY'VE JUST TAKEN OUR THIRD FOOTMAN; AND + IF ANY MORE OF OUR MEN HAVE TO GO WE SHALL CLOSE THE HOUSE + AND LIVE AT THE RITZ UNTIL THE WAR IS + OVER—(<i>brightly</i>)—HOWEVER, WE MUST ALL + SACRIFICE SOMETHING."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OVER-WEIGHT.</h3> + + <p class="scene"><i>Scene: A London Terminus</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>with an air of finality</i>). It weighs + 'undred-and-four pounds. You can't take it, mum.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. Oh, I must take it.</p> + + <p class="scene">[<i>Porter is obliged by an irritation of the + head to remove his cap, but does not speak.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. It's all right. I know the manager of + the line, and he would pass it for me.</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. Isn't your friend manager of the Great + Southern?</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i> (<i>sharply</i>). He has a great deal + to do with all these railways now. (<i>To Porter, hopefully, + but not very confidently</i>) That will be all right.</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i>. Very sorry, mum. It can't be done.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. My friend the manager would be very + much annoyed at my being stopped like this. Only four pounds, + too. Why, it's nothing.</p> + + <p class="scene">[<i>Porter removes his cap again on account of + further irritation.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i> (<i>to her Friend</i>). I don't know + what I'm to do. (<i>To Porter</i>) What am I to do?</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>deliberately</i>). You must open it and + take somethink out.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. I can't open it here.</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>ignoring this</i>). Somethink weighing a + bit over four pounds.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. But I can't do it here.</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>ignoring this</i>). Pair o' boots or + somethink.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i> (<i>to her Friend</i>). He seems to + think my boots weigh four pounds.</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. Haven't you got two pairs?</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i> (<i>sourly</i>). Yes, but two pairs of + my boots wouldn't weigh four pounds.</p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>who has been quietly undoing the straps</i>). Is + it locked, mum?</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i> (<i>producing key and almost in + tears</i>). It's too bad.</p> + + <p class="scene">[<i>She dives into box and extracts two pairs + of boots wrapped in newspapers.</i></p> + + <p><i>Porter</i> (<i>taking them and weighing them judiciously + in his hands</i>). That's all right, mum.</p> + + <p class="scene">[<i>He pushes box on to weighing machine which + registers under 100 lbs.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. They're very thick boots, of course. + Whatever am I to do with them now?</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. We shall have to carry them. [<i>Takes + one parcel.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. Jane shall hear of this. I told her + never to use newspaper for packing.</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i> (<i>suddenly</i>). There's Major + Merriman.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i>. So it is. Don't let him see us with + these dreadful parcels. (<i>Angrily</i>) Why don't you turn + round? He'll see you.</p> + + <p><i>Major Merriman</i>. How do you do?</p> + + <p><i>Lady Traveller</i> (<i>in great surprise</i>). Oh, how do + you do, Major Merriman? We've been having such an amusing + experience, etc., etc.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>What made Lord Devonport Dizzy.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The following resolution was unanimously passed, and + ordered to be sent to the Prime Minister and the Food + Controller (Lord Beaconsfield)."—<i>The Western + Gazette</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Lamp-posts and trees and other pedestrians were found with + unpleasant and sometimes violent + frequency."—<i>Beckenham Journal</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>That's the worst of a fog; landmarks will keep on walking + about.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>À propos</i> of the TSAR'S manifesto:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "The <i>Retch</i>, says: 'The order puts the dot on all the + "t's. " ' " —<i>Provincial Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>It is a far, far better thing to dot your "t's" than cross + your "i's."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25s.png" + alt="THE DAWN OF DOUBT." /></a> + + <h3>THE DAWN OF DOUBT.</h3> + + <p>GRETCHEN. "I WONDER IF THIS GENTLEMAN REALLY IS MY GOOD + ANGEL AFTER ALL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/26.png"><img src="images/26s.png" + alt="YOU MUST BE CAREFUL, MY MAN, OR YOU WILL GET CLERGYMAN'S SORE THROAT" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Benevolent Gentleman</i>. "YOU MUST BE CAREFUL, MY + MAN, OR YOU WILL GET CLERGYMAN'S SORE THROAT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2> + + <h4>(SECOND SERIES.)</h4> + + <h4>XV.—THE TOWER.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They put a Lady in the Tower,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + + <p>They put a Lady in the Tower</p> + + <p>And told her she was in their power</p> + + <p>And left her there for half-an-hour,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They put a Padlock on the Chain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + + <p>They put a Padlock on the Chain,</p> + + <p>But they left the Key in the South of Spain,</p> + + <p>So the Lady took it off again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They put a Bulldog at the Door,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + + <p>They put a Bulldog at the Door,</p> + + <p>He was so old he could only snore,</p> + + <p>And he'd lost his Tooth the day before,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They put a Beefeater at the Gate,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + + <p>They put a Beefeater at the Gate,</p> + + <p>But as his age was eighty-eight</p> + + <p>His Grandmother said he couldn't wait,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They put a Prince to watch the Stair,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + + <p>They put a Prince to watch the Stair,</p> + + <p>But he had a Golden Ring to spare,</p> + + <p>So he married the Lady then and there,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And ever since that grievous hour,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + + <p>Ever since that grievous hour</p> + + <p>When the lovely Lady was in their power</p> + + <p>They've never put nobody in the Tower,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heigh-o, fiddlededee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <h4>Flattery from the Front.</h4> + + <p>"I got your parcel quite undamaged, and it came at a + time when we were short of grub. I could have eaten a dead + monkey, so your cake came in very useful."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Major-General (Temporary General) Sir Hugh de la Poer + Bough, K.C.B., whose name appears in the New Year list of + honours as being promoted to the rank of + lieutenant-general, is a second cousin of Major-General + Hugh Sutlej Kough."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>It is rumoured that he is also connected with that famous + fighting family the GOUGHS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A POSTSCRIPT.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Suggested by a later list of L. & + N.W.R. stations which have been closed.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A further list of closured stations</p> + + <p>Elicits further protestations.</p> + + <p>Blank desolation, grim and stark,</p> + + <p>Broods sadly o'er Carpenders Park,</p> + + <p>And Friezland, as perhaps is meet,</p> + + <p>Is suffering badly from cold feet.</p> + + <p>The population of Rhosneigr</p> + + <p>Is raging like a wounded tiger;</p> + + <p>And those who used to book at Llong</p> + + <p>Are using language, loud and strong,</p> + + <p>While residents around Chalk Farm</p> + + <p>Are filled with anguish and alarm.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>N.B. In our anterior lay</p> + + <p>One letter somehow went astray;</p> + + <p>We therefore now apologise;</p> + + <p>'Tis Aspley, and not Apsley, Guise.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From an article on "Greece and Belgium":—</p> + + <blockquote> + "King Tino has a black record of blood and treachery to + answer, and to compare his case with that of King Leopold + is the blackest outrage of all."—<i>Star</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Personally we think that it were blacker still to compare + his case with that of KING ALBERT.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img src="images/27s.png" + alt="HI! BILL! DON'T COME DOWN THIS LADDER. I'VE TOOK IT AWAY." /> + </a> + + <p>"HI! BILL! DON'T COME DOWN THIS LADDER. I'VE TOOK IT + AWAY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LITTLE RIFT.</h2> + + <p>My wife and I are in perfect agreement about everything. We + are like the Allied Ministers who meet at Paris; we always + "arrive at a complete understanding" in all matters of policy. + When strict economy was enjoined upon us I moved my desk into + the dining-room to save a fire. She made a summer hat out of a + bit of my old Panama, encased in the remnants of an evening + gown. All was well.</p> + + <p>I should be giving you a wrong impression altogether if I + were to suggest that there was the slightest difference of + opinion between us. I most solemnly declare that I am as good a + patriot as she is. Still, as time goes on, I do feel a certain + uneasiness, a suggestion of a new domestic element that needs + watching.</p> + + <p>We are both in it, but the initiative rests with her. She + asks me to take two Belgian refugees and the housemaid and the + dog and the laundry-hamper along with me in the two-seater to + the station, to save petrol. Well, I am willing. She fills the + herbaceous border with alternating potatoes and carnations. + Well, I am more than willing. She bottles peas and beans. And I + say to you that I am proud and happy that she should think of + these things.</p> + + <p>Above all she gets at the very root of the food problem. I + should say that here she has advantages over some, as I belong + to the class of husband known as Easily Fed. She has got hold + of a whole sheaf of leaflets from the War Office or + somewhere—"When is a pie not a pie?" "Leave out the egg;" + "How to make something out of something else," etc., etc.; and + we feed on those chiefly. She knows I don't like rabbits, and + yet I am well aware that rabbits are repeatedly insinuated in + such forms as not to leave a single clue. I cannot tell you how + I admire and approve. Still it makes me thoughtful + sometimes.</p> + + <p>No doubt you will believe that we are being drawn together + by sharing these hardships. Well, yes. In a way. And yet I + don't feel easy about it. We are quite in sympathy, but there + is a difference in our point of view. Mine, I affirm, is the + nobler. I economize, although I loathe it; while she, I am + convinced, is beginning to like it. I don't mean to say that + she does it on purpose, but that phrase may give you an idea + what I mean. I sometimes wonder wistfully if the hand that put + that ugly new steel contraption at the back of the fire to save + the coal is really the hand that I wooed and won ten years ago. + I see in her the steady growth of an implacable conscience. In + moments of depression I have a horrid feeling that she always + wanted to do this sort of thing and never got a real chance + till now.</p> + + <p>We were extraordinarily happy before the War. We were not at + all hard up and we had no compunctions about spending money. + But now—I wonder how long the War will last? What + I am afraid of is the formation of habits. I am already + guarding against it by talking about all the things that we are + going to do after the War. She quite agrees with me about them, + but she isn't enthusiastic. I put my claims pretty high. The + garden is to be reconstructed, and I am adding a wing to the + house. We are going to travel first, and I am not sure that we + shan't have a new cook. And we are to have an Airedale and an + Axminster, and a Stilton and a new Panama.</p> + + <p>As a matter of fact that is all bluff on my part. I only + want to have something in hand to bargain with. If I can ever + get back to the <i>status quo ante</i> I will not ask for + annexations.</p> + + <p>Well, that is how it is. Most eagerly do I fall in with her + latest suggestion that I should let her clean my flannel suit + with benzine (I don't like the smell of it) instead of getting + a new one. Only I live in a growing fear that the day when + peace is signed in Europe will be the signal for an outbreak of + a new form of warfare in our happy home.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/28.png"><img src="images/28s.png" + alt="WHATEVER ARE YOU DOING OUT-OF-DOORS AT _THIS_ TIME OF NIGHT, JANE?" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>from upper window</i>). "WHATEVER + ARE YOU DOING OUT-OF-DOORS AT <i>THIS</i> TIME OF NIGHT, + JANE?"</p> + + <p><i>Romantic Maid</i>. "ONLY THROWING A FEW CRUMBS TO THE + OWLS, MA'AM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHAT DID MR. ASQUITH DO?</h2> + + <p>A famous story tells how a heckler once broke up a Liberal + meeting by asking with raucous iteration, "What did Mr. + GLADSTONE say in 1878?" or whatever year it was. Nobody knew, + and neither did the inquirer himself, but uproar followed and + his end was achieved. Now had the question run, "What did Mr. + GLADSTONE do?" how different a result! For Mr. GLADSTONE, apart + from any trifles of statesmanship or legislation, did two + priceless things, as I will show.</p> + + <p>Although, writes the Returned Traveller who in our last + number was so unhappy about the deterioration that has come + upon taxi-drivers, I left England only in October last, I find + it a changed place; but no change, not even the iniquitous + prices demanded by London's restaurateurs, or the increased + darkness, or the queer division of <i>hors d'oeuvres</i> into + half-courses and whole-courses (providing an answer at last to + the pathetic query, "What is a sardine?" "A whole course, of + course")—no change is so striking as the fact that when a + paper now refers to the PRIME MINISTER or the PREMIER, it means + no longer HERBERT HENRY but DAVID. In a world of flux and + mutability I had come to think of Mr. ASQUITH as a rock, a + pyramid, a pole-star. But, alas! even he was subject to + alteration.</p> + + <p>Thinking earnestly upon his career I have realised bow sad + it is that he has bequeathed us no ASQUITH legend. Always + reserved and intent, he discouraged Press gossip to such a + degree as actually to have turned the key on the Tenth Muse. + Everybody else might lunch at the hospitable board in Downing + Street, but interviewers had no chance. In vain did the Quexes + of this frivolous city hope for even a crumb—there was + nothing for them. Mr. ASQUITH came into office, held it, and + left it without a single concession to Demos's love of + personalia. He did not even wear comic collars or white hats or + a single eyeglass or any other grotesquely significant thing; + and how much poorer are we in consequence and how much poorer + will posterity be!</p> + + <p>Contrast the case of Mr. GLADSTONE, from whom anyone could + draw a postcard and most people a chip of some recently-felled + tree, and who is in my mind wonderful and supreme by reason of + two inventions which, though no one would ever guess them to be + the result of a Prime Minister's cogitations, deserve the + widest fame. Of these one was the product of his unaided + genius; the other the result of the collaboration with his + wife.</p> + + <p>Let us begin with the individual triumph.</p> + + <p>Everyone who has ever stayed under anyone else's roof, from + a dine-and-sleep at Windsor Castle to a week in lovely Lucerne, + has been confronted, when packing-up time arrived, with the + problem of the sponge. No matter how muscular the fingers that + wring this article, no matter how thick and costly the rubbered + receptacle that holds it, there is always the chance of + dampness communicating itself to other things in the bag. Isn't + there?</p> + + <p>How so to squeeze the sponge as to drive out the last drop + of moisture was the problem before the massive intellect of the + Grand Old Man. Need I say that he solved it? His method, as he + himself in his unselfish way, told one of the diarists, + possibly Sir M.E. GRANT-DUFF, possibly Mr. G.W.E. + RUSSELL—I forget whom—was to wrap up the sponge in + a bath-towel and jump on it. Here, for the historical painter, + is a theme indeed—something worth all the ordinary dull + occasions which provoke his talented if somewhat staid brush: + the great Liberal statesman, the promoter of Home Rule, the + author of <i>The Impregnable Rock of Holy Scripture</i>, + leaping upon the bath-towel that held his sponge. But no + historical painter could do justice to such a scene. It needs + the movies.</p> + + <p>Those of us then who dry our sponges in this way—and I + am a fervent devotee—owe the inventor a meed of praise. + And equally those of us who put into our hot water bottles at + night hot tea instead of hot water (as I never have done and + never mean to do), so that, waking in the small hours, we may + yet not be without refreshment, owe a meed of praise to the + same inspired innovator, for, if the chroniclers are correct, + it was Mrs. GLADSTONE'S habit to retire to rest with a bottle + thus nutritiously filled, which would be ready for her great + man on his return from the House weary and athirst.</p> + + <p>Here we see the difference between Liberal Premiers. For + what has Mr. ASQUITH done towards the solution of domestic + problems? Who can name a thing? Has he devised a collar stud + that cannot be lost? Has he hit upon a way instantly to stop a + shaving cut from bleeding? Has he contrived a taxi window that + will open when shut or shut when open? No. In all these years + he has spared no time for any inventions.</p> + + <p>No wonder then that he was found wanting and forced to + resign.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Scot among the Cynics.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The railway fares are being raised, we are told, to stop + pleasure travelling, but it can hardly be imagined that a + munition worker going home to spend his week-end with his + family is bent on pleasure."—<i>Glasgow Evening + News</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Beautiful set of civic cat; very large stole and muff; + accept £12."—<i>The Lady</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>As DICK WHITTINGTON'S mascot is the only civic cat known to + history we think the relic should be secured for the Guildhall + Museum.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Simply as a citizen and as a non-party man, I want to say + that Mr. Asquith has my affection and respect—and + that is the highest guerdon that any statesman can + have."—<i>Extract from Letter in Yorkshire Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We know now why Mr. ASQUITH refused a peerage. He did not + want to vex his modest admirer.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "At Caxton Hall the conference was resumed of municipal + authorities interested in the conversation of old fruit, + sardine and salmon tins."—<i>Birmingham Daily + Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We ourselves always listen with pleasure to their talk. It + has at once a fruity and a fishy flavour.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/29.png"><img src="images/29s.png" + alt="AND WHY SHOULDN'T PEOPLE BE DOING TO-DAY WHAT THEY NEVER DREAMED OF DOING BEFORE THE WAR?" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Gentleman</i> (<i>In favour of national work for + everyone</i>). "AND WHY SHOULDN'T PEOPLE BE DOING TO-DAY + WHAT THEY NEVER DREAMED OF DOING BEFORE THE WAR?"</p> + + <p><i>New Assistant</i> (<i>his first operation</i>). + "EXACTLY, SIR. ALL THE SAME, IF ANYBODY HAD TOLD ME TWO + DAYS AGO THAT I SHOULD NOW BE CUTTING THE HAIR OF A + COMPLETE STRANGER, I'D NEVER HAVE BELIEVED 'IM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WARS OF THE PAST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As recorded in the Press of the period.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>VI.</h4> + + <h4><i>From "The Athens Advertiser and Piræus + Post</i>."</h4> + + <h4>MACEDONIA'S ARMY.</h4> + + <h4>THE FAMOUS PHALANX.</h4> + + <h4>(<i>By our Military Expert</i>.)</h4> + + <p>The Macedonian Army has recently undergone an entire + reconstruction at the hands of KING PHILIP. It is now organised + on a national and territorial basis and is divided into + infantry and cavalry. The cavalry predominates and is therefore + the stronger arm. The unit of cavalry is the squadron, of + infantry the battalion. (It is of the utmost interest to note + that there are two battalions in a regiment, each about fifteen + hundred strong).</p> + + <p>KING PHILIP, it will be remembered, received his military + education in the school of EPAMINONDAS, who, as is well known, + revolutionised the Higher Thought of every Higher Command by + the discovery and application of a single tactical + fact—namely, that the chances of A being able to give B a + stronger push than B can give him are <i>in direct ratio to the + numerical superiority of A over B</i>. It follows, then, that, + faced with a sufficient superiority, B <i>must</i> retire, and + <i>the initiative then rests with the side that possesses + it</i>.</p> + + <p>In pursuance of this tactical ideal EPAMINONDAS argued that + the old method of winning battles, which was that A should + exercise superior force against every point of B's line (or + body), required that A should be bigger than B, buskin for + buskin and brisket for brisket. But since it is sufficient, + while "refusing" the rest of one's own body (or line), to bring + an overwhelming force to bear on the point of a person's jaw, + in order to discomfit him, so in a battle a numerically + inferior A, by concentrating on a vital point of numerically + superior B, can gain a local numerical superiority which will + enable him to rout B utterly. (This is always supposing that B + is not doing the same thing himself on the other wing, in which + case each army would miss the other altogether—a + condition of things into which the military art does not care + to follow them).</p> + + <p>Hence the phalanx or "preponderating mass formation." The + Macedonian development of this depends (to reduce the matter to + the simple algebraical formula to which all military problems + are susceptible) on the fact that if <i>x</i> equals the + greatest efficiency of an army, and the rooted square of + stability to the <i>n</i>th rank equals the phalanx, then the + rooted square of stability to the <i>n</i>th rank equals + <i>x</i> minus the tangential curve of velocity of mobility. + This should be plain even to the amateur student of tactics. + Blending almost a military expert's appreciation of this + cardinal doctrine with his natural selfishness as a leader of + cavalry, PHILIP has given to this, the mobile arm, much of the + striking power of the original phalanx. This is now placed in + the centre, its business being mainly to force a salient in the + enemy's line, the two resultant enclaves of which can then be + shattered (at their re-entrants) by the cavalry squadrons, + hurled forward on both phalanks. It should be noted, as a + brilliant example of PHILIP'S staff work, that in the + Macedonian Army, for the avoidance of confusion in the field, + "phalanks" is now spelt "flanks."</p> + + <p>To the intelligent student who has followed me thus far in + these articles it should not be necessary to explain again the + terms "enclave," "salient," and "re-entrant." "Tactical" is a + term used when one is not using the term "strategical," and + <i>vice versâ</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "In the words of Bacon, it should be 'read, marked, learned + and inwardly digested.'"—<i>Financial Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Our gay contemporary does not tell us whether it was before + or after completing the works usually attributed to SHAKSPEARE + that BACON compiled the Book of Common Prayer.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <h2>THE FLAPPER.</h2> + + <blockquote> + [Dr. ARTHUR SHADWELL, in the January <i>Nineteenth + Century</i>, in his article on "Ordeal by Fire," after + denouncing idlers and loafers and shirkers, falls foul + "above all" of the young girls called flappers, "with high + heels, skirts up to their knees and blouses open to the + diaphragm, painted, powdered, self-conscious, ogling: + 'Allus adallacked and dizened oot and a 'unting arter the + men.'"] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good Dr. ARTHUR SHADWELL, who lends lustre to a + name</p> + + <p>Which DRYDEN in his satires oft endeavoured to + defame,</p> + + <p>Has lately been discussing in a high-class + magazine</p> + + <p>The trials that confront us in the year Nineteen + Seventeen.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He is not a smooth-tongued prophet; no, he takes a + serious view;</p> + + <p>We must make tremendous efforts if we're going to + win through;</p> + + <p>And though he's not unhopeful of the issue of the + fray</p> + + <p>He finds abundant causes for misgiving and + dismay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our optimistic journals his exasperation fire,</p> + + <p>And the idlers and the loafers stimulate his + righteous ire;</p> + + <p>But it is the flapper chiefly that in his gizzard + sticks,</p> + + <p>And he's down upon her failings like a waggon-load + of bricks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She's ubiquitous in theatres, in rail and 'bus and + tram,</p> + + <p>She wears her "blouses open down to the + diaphragm,"</p> + + <p>And, instead of realising what our men are fighting + for,</p> + + <p>She's an orgiastic nuisance who in fact + <i>enjoys</i> the War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's a strenuous indictment of our petticoated + youth</p> + + <p>And contains a large substratum of unpalatable + truth;</p> + + <p>Our women have been splendid, but the Sun himself + has specks,</p> + + <p>And the flapper can't be reckoned as a credit to her + sex.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still it needs to be remembered, to extenuate her + crimes,</p> + + <p>That these flappers have not always had the very + best of times;</p> + + <p>And the life that now she's leading, with no Mentors + to restrain,</p> + + <p>Is decidedly unhinging to an undeveloped brain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then again we only see her when she's out for play + or meals,</p> + + <p>And distresses the fastidious by her gestures and + her squeals,</p> + + <p>But she is not always idle or a decorative + drone,</p> + + <p>And if she wastes her wages, well, she wastes what + is her own.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still to say that she's heroic, as some scribes of + late have said,</p> + + <p>Is unkind as well as foolish, for it only swells her + head;</p> + + <p>She oughtn't to be flattered, she requires to be + repressed,</p> + + <p>Or she'll grow into a portent and a peril and a + pest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dr. SHADWELL to the PREMIER makes an eloquent + appeal</p> + + <p>In firm and drastic fashion with this element to + deal;</p> + + <p>And 'twould be a real feather in our gifted + Cambrian's cap</p> + + <p>If he taught the peccant flapper less flamboyantly + to flap.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, in <i>Punch's</i> way of thinking, 'tis for + women, kind and wise,</p> + + <p>These neglected scattered units to enrol and + mobilize,</p> + + <p>Their vagabond activities to curb and + concentrate,</p> + + <p>And turn the skittish hoyden to a servant of the + State.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She's young; her eyes are dazzled by the glamour of + the streets;</p> + + <p>She has to learn that life is not all cinemas and + sweets;</p> + + <p>But given wholesome guidance she may rise to + self-control</p> + + <p>And earn the right of entry on the Nation's golden + Roll.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ONLY STEGGLES.</h2> + + <p>Steggles is my groom, and my crowning mercy. But for his + deafness I am sure he would long since have left the humble + rank of gunner far beneath him, and the Staff might have gained + a brilliant strategist. In addition to dulness of hearing, + Steggles is endowed—I should indeed be ungrateful to use + the word afflicted—with a vacuity of expression which + puts rivals or antagonists off their guard, and doubles his + value during the vicissitudes of active service. What would be + handicaps to ordinary men Steggles turns to the advantage of + himself, Sapphira my mare, and me.</p> + + <p>When on the march the Battery arrives at the morass allotted + to it for horse lines, I know that all will be well with the + mud-bespattered Sapphira. Steggles leaps from the waggon + whereon, in company with one of the cooks, he tours the + pleasant land of France, and receives the mare. With his toes + strangely pointed out, he leads her away from the scene of + labour and language, disappearing amidst the hovels of the + adjacent village. Often I never see him or obtain news of him + till next morning, when he produces Sapphira polished like a + silk hat and every scrap of metal about her sparkling. + Occasionally I have tracked him to the shelter where he + secretes and waits upon Sapphira, always to find that he has + discovered and occupied the best stable in the village. The + grooms of my brother-officers never learn that Steggles' + vacuous expression is the disguise of an intellect subtle, + discriminating and alert, so they never trouble to endeavour to + forestall him. To find Sapphira is to find Steggles, as he + always likes to spread his blanket where she could tread on him + if she wanted anything during the night.</p> + + <p>From time to time he chooses the occasion of a night's halt + on the march to indulge in a bilious attack; but he has no + other vice except an inveterate reluctance to leave off + polishing my boots when I mount. No matter how Sapphira may + prance and back and sidle, he follows her round and round with + a remnant of a shirt, rubbing mud-spots off my boots in the + stirrup. It is quite useless to bellow, "That will do, + Steggles!"—his ideal is the unattainable perfection, and + he persists. I have to escape by giving Sapphira the spur at + the risk of knocking Steggles into the mud, or be late in + turning out.</p> + + <p>He never gives anything, even his own performances, + unqualified praise; in fact it is extremely hard to win from + him any encomium higher than "It's not too bad." Perhaps there + is Scotch blood in his veins.</p> + + <p>I very much want to recommend him for some decoration, but + the organization likely to appreciate the most gallant of his + deeds has not yet been formed—the S.P.G.P., or Society + for the Preservation of Government Property.</p> + + <p>Steggles was once riding behind me down a valley liberally + dimpled with shell-holes, further dimples being in process of + formation as we rode. I was returning from an O Pip, or + Observation Post, and Steggles was carrying a pair of my boots + with a rolled puttee stuffed into each. Suddenly I was aware + that he had wheeled his horse about, and was trotting back + towards the most dimply area of the valley. Out of regard for + his family, I cantered after him. He broke into a gallop. When, + after a thrilling ride, I caught him and had a little talk + amongst the dimples, it appeared that he had dropped one of the + puttees, and wished to return and look for it. This incident + will, I think, demonstrate the exceptional character of the + man, who did not appear to regard himself as a hero, or to pose + as a desperate <i>farceur</i>, or to aspire to the post of + Q.M.S., though, incredible as it may seem, the puttee in + question was of the variety G.S.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img src="images/31s.png" + alt="WHY DON'T YOU CHALLENGE ME?" /></a> + + <p><i>Orderly Officer</i>. "WHY DON'T YOU CHALLENGE + ME?"</p> + + <p><i>Latest called-up Recruit</i>. "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE + COMING."</p> + + <p><i>Orderly Officer</i>. "WHAT DID THE CORPORAL SAY WHEN + HE POSTED YOU?"</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. "I WOULDN'T LIKE TO REPEAT IT TO AN + OFFICER, SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + + <p>To those who would learn what soldiering is like in the + armies of democratic France I would heartily commend two books + recently published by Messrs. ALLEN AND UNWIN, <i>Battles and + Bivouacs</i>, by JACQUES ROUJON, and <i>The Diary of a French + Private</i>, by GASTON RIOU. M. ROUJON, infantryman of the + line, was in private life a journalist on <i>Le Figaro</i>; M. + RIOU, Red Cross orderly, a liberal lay-theologian and writer of + European reputation. The former's transliterator ("Munitions + are distributed around," writes he undismayed; and has also + discovered a territory known as "Oriental Prussia") obtrudes a + little between author and reader. M. RIOU fares better; but + both contrive to give a really vivid impression of the horrors + and anxieties of the early days of the War before the tide + turned at the Marne, of the flying rumours so far from the + actual truth, of the fine spirit of <i>camaraderie</i> in + common danger, of the intimate relations between officers and + men, details, terrible or trivial, of campaigning, and, because + our spirited brothers-in-arms are not ashamed to express their + innermost feelings, of the deeper emotions at work under the + surface gaieties. M. RIOU'S narrative is mainly the record of + his year's captivity in a Bavarian fort. On his way he faced + the fanatical hatred and cruelty of the German civilians, of + the women especially, with a cynical fortitude. The commandant + of his prison, Baron von STENGEL, was, however, a gentleman and + a brick, and did everything in his power to make the difficult + life bearable. An episode pleasant to recall is the reception + of the Russian prisoners (intended by their captors to cause + dissensions) by their French comrades in misfortune. The whole + record gives an impression of fine courage and + resourcefulness.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Very probably you are already acquainted with that restful + and admirable book, <i>Father Payne</i> (SMITH, ELDER), of + which a new edition has just now been published. The point of + this new edition is that, in its special Preface, the genesis + and authorship of the book are assigned, for the first time on + this side the Atlantic, to Mr. A.C. BENSON. And the point of + the new preface is that it entirely gives away the original + edition (also printed here), in which the secret was + elaborately concealed. My wonder is, reading the book with this + added knowledge, that anyone can have at any time failed to + detect in it the gently persuasive hand of the Master of + Magdalene, Cambridge. You remember, no doubt, how <i>Father + Payne</i> (a courtesy title), having had a small estate left to + him, proceeded to turn it into the home of a secular community + for young men desirous of pursuing the literary gift, and how + he financed, encouraged and generally supervised them. Leisure, + an exquisite setting, and the society of enthusiastic and + personally-selected youth—one might call the book perhaps + a Tutor's Dream of the Millennium. Anyhow, <i>Father Payne</i>, + as shown in this volume, which is practically a record of his + table-talk <span class="pagenum"><a name="page32" + id="page32"></a>[pg 32]</span> upon a great variety of + themes, is exactly the gentle, shrewd and idealistic + philosopher whom (knowing his parentage) one would expect. + Bensonians (of the A.C. pattern) will certainly be glad to + have what must surely have been their suspicions confirmed, + and to admit <i>Father Payne</i> to the shelves of + authenticity.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Miss DOROTHEA CONYERS has long ere this established herself + as a specialist of repute in Irish sporting tales. You will + need but one look at the picture wrapper of <i>The Financing of + Fiona</i> (ALLEN) to see that a repetition of the same + agreeable mixture awaits you within. <i>Fiona</i> was a + charming young woman (Irish, of course) with a rich uncle and a + poor, very unattractive cousin, who loved her for her + expectations. As <i>Fiona</i> had no conception about money + beyond the spending of it, the uncle made a will, whose object + was that she should have plenty. The suitor, however, knowing + of this, and being a naughty, rather improbable person, + destroyed part of it, with the result that <i>Fiona</i> was + apparently left only the ancestral home and no cash to keep it + up. So she was forced to take in gentleman boarders for the + hunting, and (for propriety's sake) to invent a mythical + chaperon, who lived above stairs. And, after all, she needn't + have done any such thing, because the rich uncle, in leaving + her all the contents of the mansion, had foolishly forgotten to + mention a secret drawer full of Canadian securities. As for the + villain, I really hardly dare tell you the impossibly silly way + in which he allowed himself to be caught out. But of course all + this melodrama is not what matters. The important thing about + Miss CONYERS' people is that (whatever their private worries) + a-hunting they will go; and <i>Fiona</i>, financed by her + paying guests, shows in this respect as capital sport as any of + her predecessors. For the rest, I can hardly say with honesty + that the story is equal to its author's best form.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>What I like particularly about Mr. FREDERICK NIVEN is the + friendly way in which he contrives to make his readers and + himself into a family party. "We must," he writes at the + beginning of a chapter in <i>Cinderella of Skookum Greek</i> + (NASH), "get a move on with the story, in case you become more + tired of Archer's compound fracture than he was himself." This + is by no means the only occasion on which he shows his + thoughtfulness for us, and I think it very kind and nice of + him. At the same time I will ungraciously admit that the weak + point of his story is that it does not move quite fast enough. + Admirable artist in psychology and atmosphere, his plot, if you + can call it a plot, is very slight. <i>Cyrus Archer</i>, the + young American of the compound fracture (who had my sympathy + from the start because he could never remember dates), goes out + into the back of beyond for a spell before settling down to + married life and a place in his father's business, and at + Skookum Creek, where he grows tomatoes and studies Indians, he + meets his <i>Cinderella</i>, with the result that his life has + to be completely rearranged. A commonplace tale, but there is a + rare and distinct flavour about the telling of it. Mr. NIVEN'S + manner has indeed a very particular charm, over which one would + take an even keener pleasure in lingering if only he himself + lingered a little less over his story.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I hardly think that Madame ALBANESI has chosen quite the + most appropriate name for the story that she calls <i>Hearts + and Sweethearts</i> (HUTCHINSON). Personally, I fancy that + <i>Suits and Lawsuits</i> would have come nearer the mark; + because, though there is a certain proportion of love-making in + the tale, there is considerably more about going to law. One + difficulty with which I fancy the writer had to contend is due + to the fact that her hero and heroine are (in a sense) the + opposing protagonists in a case of disputed succession; + <i>Jemima Frant</i> being engaged in the attempt to turn out + <i>Sir John Norminster</i> from his estates and establish the + claim to them of her dead sister's child. Naturally, therefore, + till this is settled their opportunities for the tender passion + are, to put it very gently, restricted. But of + course—well, a novel with such a title is hardly likely + to leave anybody of importance unmarried at the final page. + Before this is turned, you have some pleasant comedy of London + in war-time, and meet a number of agreeably sketched persons, + whose conversation may amuse you, or, on the other hand, may + cause you to wish them a little less discursive. Madame + ALBANESI indeed impressed me as having occasionally turned her + subordinate characters loose into a chapter, with instructions + to fill it up anyhow, while she herself thought out the next + move. But the law was always leisurely, so this characteristic + might perhaps be expected in a story so much concerned with + it.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/32.png"><img src="images/32s.png" + alt="OH, CHARLES, JUST SEE WHAT THAT DREADFUL CHILD HAS BEEN CARRYING ABOUT IN HIS POCKET!" /> + </a> + + <p><i>The Mother</i> (<i>overhauling little Tommy's + wardrobe</i>). "OH, CHARLES, JUST SEE WHAT THAT DREADFUL + CHILD HAS BEEN CARRYING ABOUT IN HIS POCKET! A REAL + CARTRIDGE WITH A BULLET IN IT. HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN BLOWN TO + BITS!"</p> + + <p><i>The Father</i> (<i>with a glowing consciousness of + assisting his country at a critical time</i>). "JUST PUT IT + IN A COOL PLACE FOR TO-NIGHT, MY DEAR, AND I WILL LEAVE IT + AT THE WAR OFFICE TO-MORROW ON MY WAY TO BUSINESS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Handel in War-Time.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The anthem 'O Thou that tillest' (Messiah), will be + rendered."—<i>Dublin Evening Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>No pains are being spared to promote agriculture in + Ireland.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The river in many places has overflown its + banks."—<i>Henley Newspaper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Even Father Thames cannot resist the modern mania for + aviation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Extract from a review of Dr. JOHN FITZPATRICK'S "<i>This + Realm, This England</i>":—</p> + + <blockquote> + "From a Scotsman, we deprecate the definition of 'This + Realm' as 'England,' and would suggest to the learned + doctor that he would have done nothing derogatory to + himself, even in the eyes of Englishmen, if he had used the + really correct and comprehensive name + Britain."—<i>Scots Pictorial</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>SHAKSPEARE (ghost of), please note.</p> +<p> </p> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14135 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14135-h/images/17.png b/14135-h/images/17.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..889c85d --- /dev/null +++ b/14135-h/images/17.png diff --git a/14135-h/images/17s.png b/14135-h/images/17s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7bca5d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14135-h/images/17s.png diff --git a/14135-h/images/19.png b/14135-h/images/19.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5883835 --- /dev/null +++ b/14135-h/images/19.png diff --git a/14135-h/images/19s.png b/14135-h/images/19s.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f99031e --- /dev/null +++ b/14135-h/images/19s.png diff --git a/14135-h/images/20.png b/14135-h/images/20.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..87d11b5 --- 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