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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:44 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:44 -0700 |
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diff --git a/14123-h/14123-h.htm b/14123-h/14123-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..95c9d1e --- /dev/null +++ b/14123-h/14123-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1863 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, November 28, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14123 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 28, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page253" + id="page253"></a>[pg 253]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h4>No. VII.—TO VANITY.</h4> + + <p>DEAR VANITY,</p> + + <p>Imagine my feelings when I read the following letter. It lay + quite innocently on my breakfast-table in a heap of others. It + was stamped in the ordinary way, post-marked in the ordinary + way, and addressed correctly, though how the charming writer + discovered my address I cannot undertake to say; in fact, there + was nothing in its outward appearance to distinguish it from + the rest of my everyday correspondence. I opened it carelessly, + and this is what I read:—</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/253.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/253.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>RIDICULOUS BEING,—In the course of a fairly short life + I have read many absurd things, but never in all my existence + have I read anything so absurd as your last letter. I don't say + that your amiable story about HERMIONE MAYBLOOM is not + absolutely true; in fact, I knew HERMIONE <i>very slightly</i> + myself when everybody was raving about her, and I never + <i>could</i> understand what all you men (for, of course, you + are a man; no woman could be so foolish) saw in her to make you + lose your preposterous heads. To me she always seemed + <i>silly</i> and <i>affected</i>, and <i>not in the least</i> + pretty, with her snub nose, and her fuzzy hair. So I am rather + glad, not from any personal motive, but for the sake of + <i>truth</i> and <i>justice</i>, that you have shown her up. + No; what I do complain of is, your evident intention to make + the world believe that only women are vain. You pretend to + lecture us about our shortcomings, and you don't seem to know + that there is no vainer creature in existence than a man. No + peacock that ever strutted with an expanded tail is one-half so + ridiculous or silly as a man. I make no + distinctions—<i>all men are the same</i>; at least, + that's my experience, and that of every woman I ever met.</p> + + <p>How do you suppose a woman like HERMIONE succeeds as she + does? Why she finds out (it doesn't take long, I assure you) + the weak points of the men she meets; their wretched + jealousies, affectations and conceits, and then artfully + proceeds to flatter them and make each of them think his + particular self the lord of creation, until she has all the + weak and foolish creatures wound round her little finger, and + slavishly ready to fetch and carry for her. And all the time + you go about and boast of your conquest to one another, and + imagine that <i>you</i> have subjugated her. But she sits at + home and laughs at you, and <i>despises</i> you all from the + flinty bottom of her heart. Bah! you're a pack of fools, and + I've no patience with you. As for you personally, if you + <i>must</i> write any more, tell your fellow men something + about their own follies. It won't be news to <i>us</i>, but it + may open <i>their</i> eyes. If you can't do that, you had + better retire into your tub, and cease your painful barking + altogether. I've got my eye on you, so be careful. I remain + (thank goodness)</p> + + <p class="author">A WOMAN.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Now that was not altogether an agreeable breakfast dish. And + the worst of it was that it was so supremely unjustifiable. Had + my indignant correspondent honoured me with her address, I + should have answered her at once. "Madam," I should have said, + "your anger outstrips your reason. I always intended to say + something about men. I had already begun a second letter to my + friend VANITY on the subject. I can therefore afford to forgive + your hard words, and to admit that there is a certain amount of + truth in your strictures on us. But please don't write to me + again so furiously. Such excessive annoyance is quite out of + keeping with your pretty handwriting, and besides, it takes + away my appetite to think I have even involuntarily given you + pain. Be kind enough to look out for my next letter, but don't, + for goodness' sake, tell me what you think about it, unless it + should happen to please you. In that case I shall, of course, + be proud and glad to hear from you again."</p> + + <p>I now proceed, therefore, to carry out my intention, and, as + usual, I address myself to the fountain head. My dear VANITY, I + never shall understand why you take so much trouble to get hold + of men. They are not a pleasing sight when you have got them, + and after a time it must cease to amuse even you to see + yourself reproduced over and over again, and in innumerable + ridiculous ways. For instance, there is Dr. PEAGAM, the + celebrated author of <i>Indo-Hebraic Fairy Tales: a new Theory + of their Rise and Development, with an Excursus on an Early + Aryan Version of</i> "<i>Three Blind Mice</i>." Dr. PEAGAM is + learned; he has the industry of a beaver; he is a correspondent + of goodness knows how many foreign philosophical, philological, + and mythological societies; his record of University + distinctions has never been equalled; his advice has been + sought by German Professors. Yet he carries all this weight of + celebrity and learning as lightly as if it were a wideawake, + and seems to think nothing of it. But he has his weak point, + and, like Achilles, he has it in his feet.</p> + + <p>This veteran investigator, this hoary and venerable Doctor, + would cheerfully give years off his life if only the various + philosophers who from time to time sit at his feet would + recognise that those feet are small, and compliment him on the + fact. They <i>are</i> small, there is no doubt of it, but not + small enough to be encased without agony in the tiny, natty, + pointed boots that he habitually wears. Let anybody who wants + to get anything out of Dr. PEAGAM lead the conversation + craftily on to the subject of feet and their proper size. Let + him then make the discovery (aloud) that the Doctor's feet are + extraordinarily small and beautiful, and I warrant that there + is nothing the Doctor can bestow which shall not be freely + offered to this cunning flatterer. That is why Dr. PEAGAM, a + modest man in most respects, always insists on sitting in the + front row on any platform, and ostentatiously dusts his boots + with a red silk pocket-handkerchief.</p> + + <p>Then, again, who is there that has not heard of + Major-General WHACKLEY, V.C., the hero who captured the + ferocious Ameer of Mudwallah single-handed, and carried him on + his back to the English camp—the man to whose dauntless + courage, above all others, the marvellous victory of Pilferabad + was due? Speak to him on military matters, and you will find + the old warrior as shy as a school-girl; but only mention the + word poetry, and you'll have him reciting his ballads and odes + to you by the dozen, and declaiming for hours together about + the obtuseness of the publishing fraternity.</p> + + <p>I don't speak now of literary men who value themselves above + LAMB, DICKENS, and THACKERAY, rolled into one; nor of artists + who sneer at TITIAN; nor of actors who hold GARRICK to be + absurdly overrated. Space would fail me, and patience you. But + let me just for a brief moment call to your mind ROLAND + PRETTYMAN. Upon my soul, I think ROLAND the most empty-headed + fribble, the most affected coxcomb, and the most conceited + noodle in the whole world. He was decently good-looking once, + and he had a pretty knack of sketching in water-colours.</p> + + <p>But oh, the huge, distorted, overweening conceit of the man! + I have seen him lying full length on a couch, waving a scented + handkerchief amongst a crowd of submissive women, who were + grovelling round him, while he enlarged in his own pet jargon + on the surpassing merits of his latest unpublished essay, or + pointed out the beauties of the trifling pictures which were + the products of his ineffective brush. He will never accomplish + anything, and yet to the end of his life, I fancy, he will have + his circle of toadies and flatterers who will pretend to accept + him as the evangelist of a glorious literary and artistic + gospel. For unfortunately he is as rich as he is impudent and + incompetent. And when he drives out in a Hansom he never ceases + to simper at his reflected image in the little corner + looking-glasses, by means of which modern cab-proprietors + pander to the weakness of men. Such is your handiwork, my + excellent VANITY. Are you proud of it?</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, &c.,<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + + <p>"ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING."—You ask, What are + the duties of "the Ranger"? Household duties only. He has to + inspect the kitchen-ranges in the kitchens of Buckingham + Palace, Windsor Castle, Balmoral, and Osborne. Hence the style + and title. He also edits Cook's Guides.</p> + + <p>"ANOTHER IDIOT" wishes to know if there is such an + appointment in the gift of the Crown as the office of "Court + Sweep." Why, certainly; and, on State occasions, he wears the + Court Soot, and his broom is always waiting for him at the + entrance! At Balmoral and Osborne there is a beautiful sweep + leading the visitor right up to the front door.</p> + + <p>"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE" writes us,—"Sir, in what poem + of MILTON's does the following couplet occur?—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll light the <i>gas</i> soon,</p> + + <p>To play the <i>bas</i>-soon.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>How are the lines to be scanned?" <i>Ans.</i>—On + internal evidence, we question whether the lines are MILTON's. + In the absence of our Poet, who is out for a holiday, we can + only reply, that if shortsighted, you can scan them by the aid + of a powerful glass—of your favourite compound.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page254" + id="page254"></a>[pg 254]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/254.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/254.png" + alt="'THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUB THAT SITS UP ALOFT.'" /> + </a> + + <h3>"THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUB THAT SITS UP + ALOFT."</h3>(<i>Modern Version, as it must be</i>.) + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The Associated Chamber of Commerce ask that the + Coastguard stations, shore-lighthouses, rock lighthouses, + and light-ships of the United Kingdom, should, as far as + possible, be connected by telegraph or telephone with the + general telegraph system of the country, 'as a means for + the protection of life and property, as well as for + national defence.'... France and America, Holland and + Denmark, provide their seamen with this great safeguard in + the hour of their utmost need. IS England content to let + her sailors die by hundreds for want of a little money, or + for want of a little care?"—<i>Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Prospero</i>. Why, that's my spirit!</p> + + <p class="i6">But was not this nigh shore?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ariel</i>. Close by, my master.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Prospero</i>. But are they, Ariel, safe?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ariel</i>. Not a hair perish'd.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>Tempest</i>, Act I., Scene 2.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>CONTENT</i>? There's many an English heart will + hear with fierce amaze</p> + + <p>That England lags so far behind in these electric + days—</p> + + <p>England, whose seamen are her shield, who vaunts in + speech and song,</p> + + <p>The love she bears her mariners! Wake, CAMPBELL, + swift and strong</p> + + <p>Of swell and sweep as the salt waves you sang as + none could sing!</p> + + <p>Rouse DIBDIN, of the homelier flight, but steady + waft of wing!</p> + + <p>Poetic shades, <i>this</i> question, sure, should + pierce the ear of death,</p> + + <p>And make ye vocal once again with quick, indignant + breath.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page255" + id="page255"></a>[pg 255]</span> + + <p><i>Content</i>? Whilst round our rocky coasts the + souls who guard them sink,</p> + + <p>Death clutching from the clamorous brine, hope + beaconing from the brink,</p> + + <p>With lifted hands toward the lights that beam but to + betray,</p> + + <p>Because dull Britons fail to think, or hesitate to + pay?</p> + + <p>No! With that question a fierce thrill through + countless listeners went,</p> + + <p>And, hoarse with indignation, rings the answer, + "<i>Not</i> Content!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the Armada neared our coast in days now dubbed + as "dark,"</p> + + <p>Pre-scientific Englishmen, whom no Electric + Spark</p> + + <p>Had witched with its white radiance, yet sped from + height to height</p> + + <p>Of Albion's long wild sea-coast line the ruddy + warning Light.</p> + + <p>"Cape beyond Cape, in endless range, those twinkling + points of fire"<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p><i>Reveillé</i> shot from sea to sea, from + wave-washed shire to shire,</p> + + <p>Inland, from hill to hill, it flashed wherever + English hand</p> + + <p>Helpful at need in English cause could grip an + English brand.</p> + + <p>To-day? Well, round our jutting cliffs, across our + hollowing bays</p> + + <p>Thicker the light-ship beacons flash, the lighthouse + lanterns blaze.</p> + + <p>From sweep to sweep, from steep to steep, our shores + are starred with light,</p> + + <p>Burning across the briny floods through the black + mirk of night,</p> + + <p>Forth-gleaming like the eyes of Hope, or like the + fires of Home,</p> + + <p>Upon the eager eyes of men far-straining o'er the + foam.</p> + + <p>Good! But how greatly less than good to fear, to + think, to know</p> + + <p>That inland England's less alert against a whelming + foe</p> + + <p>Than when bonfire and beacon flared mere flame of + wood and pitch,</p> + + <p>From Surrey hills to Skiddaw!</p> + + <p class="i10">Science-dowered, serenely rich,</p> + + <p>Safe in its snugly sheltered homes, our England lies + at ease,</p> + + <p>Whilst round her cliffs gale-scourged to wrath the + tiger-throated seas</p> + + <p>Thunder in ruthless ravening rage, with rending + crash and shock,</p> + + <p>Through the dull night and blinding drift on leagues + of reef and rock.</p> + + <p>More furious than the Spaniards they, more fierce, + persistent foes,</p> + + <p>These deep-gorged, pallid, foaming waves. Yes, + bright the beacon glows,</p> + + <p>Warmly the lighthouse wafts its blaze of welcome + o'er the brine;</p> + + <p>The shore's hard by, but where the hands to whirl + the rescuing line?</p> + + <p>To launch the boat?—to hurl the buoy? The + lighthouse men look out</p> + + <p>Upon their wreck-borne brethren there, their hearts + are soft as stout,</p> + + <p>But signals will not pierce this dark, shouts rise + o'er this fierce roar,</p> + + <p>Rescue may wait at hand, but—<i>there's no + cable to the shore!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Content with <i>this</i>? Nay, callous he whom this + stirs not to rage,</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> pictures, with prophetic pen, a + brighter cheerier page,</p> + + <p>Which <i>must be turned</i>, and speedily:</p> + + <p class="i10">Good Mr. PROSPERO BULL,</p> + + <p>Your <i>Ariel</i> is the Electric Sprite, DIBDIN, of + pity full</p> + + <p>For tempest-tost Poor JACK, descried a Cherub up + aloft</p> + + <p>Watch-keeping o'er his venturous life. That symbol, + quoted oft,</p> + + <p>Must find new form to fit the time. The <i>Ariel</i> + of the Spark</p> + + <p>Must watch around our storm-lashed coast in tempest + and in dark,</p> + + <p>Guardian of homeward-bound Poor JACK, to spread the + news of fear,</p> + + <p>And tell him, battling with the storm, that rescuing + hands, though near,</p> + + <p>Are not made helpless in his hour of agonising + need,</p> + + <p>By ignorance that heeds not, and neglect that fails + to heed.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>MACAULAY's <i>Armada.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/255.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/255.png" + alt="NATURAL HISTORY." /></a> + + <h3>NATURAL HISTORY.</h3>"OH, <i>LOOK</i>, MUMMIE! NOW IT'S + LEFT OFF RAINING, HE'S COME OUT OF HIS KENNEL!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALL BERRY WELL.</h2> + + <p>SIR,—As there is so much talk just now about the best + way in which to make Coffee, I will mention the plan I adopt, + in the hope that some of your readers may imitate it in their + own homes. It is very simple. You take some of the excellent + "Coffee Mixture," sold by the "Arabo-Egyptian Pure Parisian + Berry Company, Limited," at sixpence the pound. You need not + give more than one tea-spoon to every four persons, as the + coffee is very good and thick. Add condensed milk, and fill + with water, after which, let the pot stand on the hob an hour + before use. You would be surprised at the quality of the fluid + which results. It gives general satisfaction in my own circle. + My nephew, who lives with me, declares that it is the only + genuine coffee he has drunk since he returned from the East. He + usually, however, has his breakfast out. My General Servant + says that "she prefers it to beer" (though she takes both), and + has asked me for some to send to an Aunt of hers with whom she + has quarrelled. I think this very nice and forgiving of her, + and have allowed her a quarter of a pound for that purpose. My + son-in-law, who unfortunately is rather addicted to drink, says + it is "the finest tap he ever tasted," and adds that if he + could be sure of always having such Coffee, he would join the + Blue Ribbon Army at once. Hitherto he has not joined.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours humbly,<br /> + MARTHA HUSWIFE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—At my "Home for Elderly Orphans of Defective + Brain Power," I give an <i>excellent</i> Coffee, made of five + parts chicory, and one of Mocha, supplied at a cheap rate by a + House in the City, which owes me money, and is paying it off in + this way, with skim-milk added, in moderation, and no sugar. + None of the orphans has ever complained of my Coffee. I should + like to catch them doing so. It is nonsense to say the art of + coffee-making is unknown in England.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, indignantly,<br /> + CLEOPATRA JONES.</p> + + <p>SIR,—Here is the recipe for Coffee which we use at + this Buffet:—</p> + + <p>"Place one pound of the 'Nonpareil Turkish Pasha's Special + Brand Extract of finest Mocha' in the urn in the morning. Pour + on boiling water to half-way up. Let it stew all day. Draw off + as wanted, and dilute with 'Anglo-African Condensed Cows' + Milk.'"</p> + + <p>Strange to say, we do not find great demand either for + Coffee or Tea (made on similar principles); but it is as well + that the Public should know that we have both in constant + readiness, and of first-class quality. The traveller who has + drunk a cup of this Coffee in conjunction with one of our + celebrated Home-made Pork Pies, does not require anything else + till the end of the very longest journey, and, probably, not + even then.</p> + + <p class="author">KEEPER OF THE REFRESHMENT ROOM, STARVEM + JUNCTION.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE GEORGIAN ERA AT THE ALHAMBRA.—Mrs. ABBOTT is an + electric wonder. Not strong muscularly, but with sufficient + electric power to support four or five of the inferior sex + heaped anyhow on a chair. Such a woman is a crown to a + husband—nay, any amount of crowns at £200 per + week—and capable of supporting a family, however large, + all by her own exertions, or indeed, with scarcely any exertion + at all. At present, though married, she is a <i>femme + seule</i>: but how long will she remain the only electric + wonder in London? Many years ago there was a one-legged dancer + named DONATO. Within sixteen weeks there were as many + one-legged dancers. We don't speak by the card, of course, but + one-legged dancers became a drug in the market. Already we hear + of "A Dynamic Phenomenon" at the Pavilion. Little Mrs. ABBOTT + is an active, spry little person, yet her "<i>vis inertiæ</i>" + is, at present, without a parallel.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page256" + id="page256"></a>[pg 256]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVI.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Terrace and Grounds of the Grand Hôtel + Villa d'Este, on Lake Como.</i> PODBURY <i>and</i> CULCHARD + <i>are walking up and down together.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury.</i> Well, old chap, your resigning like that has + made all the difference to <i>me</i>, I can tell you!</p> + + <p><i>Culchard.</i> If I have succeeded in advancing your cause + with Miss PRENDERGAST, I am all the better pleased, of + course.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> You have, and no mistake. She's regularly taken + me in hand, don't you know—she says I've no intelligent + appreciation of Italian Art; and gad, I believe she's right + there! But I'm pulling up—bound to teach you a lot, + seeing all the old altar-pieces I do! And she gives me the + right tips, don't you see; she's no end of a clever girl, so + well-read and all that! But I say—about Miss TROTTER? + Don't want to be inquisitive, you know, but you don't seem to + be much <i>about</i> with her.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/256.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/256.png" + alt="'Bound to teach you a lot, seeing all the old altar-pieces I do!'" /> + </a>"Bound to teach you a lot, seeing all the old + altar-pieces I do!" + </div> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—er—the feelings I entertain + towards Miss TROTTER have suffered no change—quite the + reverse, only—and I wish to impress this upon you, + PODBURY—it is undesirable, for—er—many + reasons, to make my attentions—er—too conspicuous. + I—I trust you have not alluded to the matter + to—well, to Miss PRENDERGAST, for example?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Not I, old fellow—got other things to + talk about. But I don't quite see why—</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You are not <i>required</i> to see. I don't + <i>wish</i> it, that is all. I—er—think that should + be sufficient.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, all right, <i>I'll</i> keep dark. But she's + bound to know sooner or later, now she and Miss TROTTER have + struck up such a friendship. And HYPATIA will be awfully + pleased about it—why <i>shouldn't</i> she, you know?... + I'm going to see if there's anyone on the tennis-court, and get + a game if I can. Ta-ta!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>alone</i>). PODBURY knows very little + about women. If HYP—Miss PRENDERGAST—once found out + <i>why</i> I renounced my suitorship, I should have very little + peace, I know that—I've taken particular care not to + betray my attachment to MAUD. I'm afraid she's beginning to + notice it, but I must be careful. I don't like this sudden + intimacy between them—it makes things so very awkward. + They've been sitting under that tree over there for the last + half-hour, and goodness only knows what confidences they may + have exchanged! I really must go up and put a stop to it, + presently.</p> + + <h4><i>Under the Tree.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Hypatia.</i> I only tell you all this, sweetest one, + because I <i>do</i> think you have rather too low an opinion of + men as a class, and I wanted to show you that I have met at + least <i>one</i> man who was capable of a real and + disinterested devotion.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, I allowed that was about your idea.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> And don't you recognise that it was very fine of + him to give up everything for his friend's sake?</p> + + <p><i>Maud</i>. I guess it depends how much "everything" + amounted to.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). I thought, darling, I had made + it perfectly plain what a sacrifice it meant to him. <i>I</i> + know how much he—I needn't tell you there are certain + symptoms one can<i>not</i> be deceived in.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> No, I guess you needn't tell me <i>that</i>, + love. And it was perfectly lovely of him to give you up, when + he was under vow for you and all, sooner than stand in his + friend's light—only I don't just see how that was going + to help his friend any.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Don't you, dearest? Not when the friend was + under vow for me, too?</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST! And how many + admirers do you have around under vow, as a regular thing?</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> There were only those two. RUSKIN permits as + many as seven at one time.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> That's a vurry liberal allowance, too. I don't + see how there'd be sufficient suitors to go round. But maybe + each gentleman can be under vow for seven distinct girls, to + make things sort of square now?</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Certainly not. The whole beauty of the idea lies + in the unselfish and exclusive devotion of every knight to the + same sovereign lady. In this case I happen to know that + the—a—individual had never met his ideal + until—</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Until he met you? At Nuremberg, wasn't it? My! + And what was his name? Do tell!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> You must not press me, sweetest, for I cannot + tell that—even to you.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> I don't believe but what I could guess. But + say, you didn't care any for <i>him</i>, or you'd never have + let him go like that? <i>I</i> wouldn't. I should have + suspected there was something behind!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> My feelings towards him were purely potential. I + did him the simple justice to believe that his self-abnegation + was sincere. But, with your practical, cynical little mind, + darling, you are hardly capable of—excuse me for saying + so—of appreciating the real value and meaning of such + magnanimity!</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Oh, I guess I <i>am</i>, though. Why, here's + Mr. CULCHARD coming along. Well, Mr. CULCHARD?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—ah—appear to have interrupted a + highly interesting conversation?</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, we were having a little discussion, and I + guess you're in time to give the casting vote—HYPATIA, + you want to keep just where you are, do you hear? I mean you + should listen to Mr. CULCHARD's opinion.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>flattered</i>). Which I shall be delighted + to give, if you will put me in possession of + the—er—facts.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, these are the—er—facts. There + were two gentlemen under vow—maybe you'll understand the + working of that arrangement better than I do?—under vow + for the same young lady. [HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, sit still, or I + declare I'll pinch you!] One of them comes up and tells her + that he's arrived at the conclusion the other admirer is the + better man, and, being a friend of his, he ought to retire in + his favour, and he does it, too, right away. Now <i>I</i> say + that isn't natural—he'd some other motive. Miss + PRENDERGAST here will have it he was one of those noble + unselfish natures that deserve they should be stuffed for a + museum. What's <i>your</i> opinion now?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>perspiring freely</i>). + Why—er—really, on so delicate a matter, + I—I— [<i>He maunders.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> MAUD, why <i>will</i> you be so headstrong! + (<i>In a rapid whisper.</i>) Can't you see ... can't you + <i>guess</i>?...</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> I guess I want to make sure Mr. CULCHARD isn't + that kind of magnanimous man himself. I shouldn't want him to + renounce <i>me</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> MAUD! You might at <i>least</i> wait until Mr. + CULCHARD has—</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Oh, but he <i>did</i>—weeks ago, at + Bingen. And at Lugano, too, the other day, he spoke out + tolerable plain. I guess he didn't wish any secret made about + it—<i>did</i> you, Mr. CULCHARD?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—ah—this conversation is rather + ... If you'll excuse me— [<i>Escapes with as much dignity + as he can command.</i></p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, my dear,—that's the sort of + self-denying hairpin <i>he</i> is! What do you think of him + <i>now</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> I do not think so highly of him, I confess. His + renunciation was evidently less prompted by consideration for + his friend than by a recollection—tardy enough, I am + afraid—of the duty which bound him to <i>you</i>, + dearest. But if you had seen and heard him, as I did, you would + not have doubted the <i>reality</i> of the sacrifice, whatever + the true reason may have been. For myself, I am conscious of + neither anger nor sorrow—my heart, as I told you, was + never really affected. But what must it be to <i>you</i>, + darling!</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, I believe I'm more amused than + anything.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Amused! But surely you don't mean to have + anything more to do with him?</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> My dear girl, I intend to have considerable + more to do with him before I'm through. He's under vow for + <i>me</i> now, anyway, and I don't mean he should forget it, + either. He's my monkey, and he's got to jump around pretty + lively, at the end of a tolerable short chain, too. And I + guess, if it comes to renouncing, all the magnanimity's going + to be on <i>my</i> side this + time!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page257" + id="page257"></a>[pg 257]</span> + + <h4><i>In an Avenue.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he walks hurriedly on</i>). + I only saved myself in time. I don't <i>think</i> MAUD noticed + anything—she couldn't nave been so innocent and + indifferent if she had.... And HYPATIA won't enlighten her any + further now—after what she knows. It's rather a relief + that she <i>does</i> know.... She took it very well, poor + girl—<i>very</i> well. I expect she is really beginning + to put up with PODBURY—I'm sure I <i>hope</i> so, + sincerely!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/257-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/257-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"I dearly love reading a ghost-story," quoth the Baron, + "when, as the song says, 'The lights are low, And the + flickering shadows, Softly come and go.' And I did hope that + <i>Cecilia de Noël</i> was going to be just the very sort of + book for a winter's fireside. Disappointed. There is a ghost in + it, and there's <i>Cecilia de Noël</i> (good Christmassy name, + isn't it?) who instructs the ghost in his neglected Catechism; + for the ghost is as much an Atheist as the unbelieving Sadducee + in this same story, who, after all, is not converted. 'Alas! + Poor Ghost!' Very poor ghost! Bring me another ghost!" cries + the Baron. No other ghost is forthcoming to the invocation, but + a book is placed in his hands entitled <i>Fourteen to One</i>. + The Baron was about to dismiss it as a betting + book—judging by its title—when his eye caught the + name of ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS as authoress. So he read many + of the short stories therein. She has in many places the touch + of DICKENS. All are good; but for pathos, keen observation, and + dramatic surprise, "give me," says the Baron, emphatically, + "the short story of <i>The Madonna of the Tubs</i>." Admirable! + Those who take and act upon the Baron's tip, will do well to + ask for <i>Fourteen to One</i>, and see that they get it.</p> + + <p>What are the Baron's sentiments as to Christmas things? He + refused to have anything to say to games and cards. + Cards—well, we all know whose books some puritanical + party said <i>they</i> were. But these comic and artistic + Christmas Cards of RAPHAEL TUCK do not come into that category; + and same is to be said of Messrs. HILDESHEIMER's, so there's an + end on't. Henceforth, says the Baron, "No Cards."</p> + + <p>"Come to me, O ye children," as some one sings—ARTHUR + CECIL for choice—and it might be adapted for the occasion + by the Publishers of <i>Chatterbox</i>, in which box there's a + prize. Messrs. ROUTLEDGE go in for the old, old tales. They've + kindly given <i>Mother Hubbard</i> a new dress; and as for + their Panorama of the "Beasteses," it is like a picture-walk in + the Zoo. <i>Some Historic Women</i>, well selected by DAVENPORT + ADAMS, who should have styled it <i>Christmas Eves by + Adams</i>. With Mrs. MOLESWORTH's <i>Bewitched Lamp</i> the + Baron's Assistant is much pleased. Pictures ought to have been + in oil, and there should have been a Wickéd Fairy in + it,—but there isn't.</p> + + <p>My "Co." reports that Mrs. GRIMWOOD's long-expected book, + <i>My Three Years in Manipur</i> (BENTLEY), is worthy of the + theme, and adds a fresh laurel to the chaplet worn by the lady + on whose breast the QUEEN pinned the Red Cross. The moving + story is told with a simplicity that looks like the development + of the highest art. But the heroine of Manipur is unmistakably + artless. She is content to jot down, as if she were writing a + letter home, her impressions of what she sees, and her account + of what passes before her eyes. She has the gift of reproducing + with a few strokes of the pen, portraiture of anything that has + struck her. The only thing missed is detailed report of her own + brave bearing through the fearful night when the Residency was + attacked, and during the dreadful days that followed on the + flight towards Cachar. No one reading Mrs. GRIMWOOD's narrative + would guess what splendid part she played in that tragedy. + Fortunately that has been told elsewhere, and the omission is + an added charm to a book that has many others—including a + portrait of the author.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS AND CO.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CIVIL SERVICE EXHIBITION.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—The Military Exhibition was such a + success, and the Naval Exhibition was such a successor, that we + Government Clerks invoke your powerful aid to help us to + establish next year a Civil Service Exhibition. The Public have + really no idea what wondrous curiosities there are in the Civil + Service, and would, I feel sure, be amused and instructed at a + well-organised and representative Exhibition. At 10.15 A.M. + they would see real live Clerks sign real Attendance-Books, and + insert (real or unreal) times of arrival. In the course of the + morning there might be an Exhibition of Civil Servants over + sixty-five years of age, who didn't want to retire, with a + similar number of Civil Servants, of fifty-five years of age, + who didn't want them to stay. In the afternoon, in the Arena, + would daily be attempted the difficult feat of proceeding from + the Second Division to the Higher Division. The obstacles would + be represented by real Treasury Clerks and Civil Service + Commissioners, holding Orders in Council and Treasury Minutes; + and the Clerk successful in performing the feat might be + created a Duke.</p> + + <p>In one of the kiosks a lecture on <i>"Sick Leave and how to + spend it," by the Earl and the Doctor</i>, might be delivered + hourly. In another kiosk, official C.B.'s would be on show; + Jubilee C.B.'s being classed together on one side, and special + prominence being given to those C.B.'s who hadn't applied for + the honour, and to those who had obtained it for real services + otherwise unrecognised. After dark the "Treasury Ring" might + join hands and dance round the flashing light of their own + unassisted intellect.</p> + + <p>The different refreshment rooms (furnished by the Office of + Works) would be classified according to the varying rates of + Subsistence Allowance in force in the Service. Here the dinner + for the £1-a-day man—there the tea for the + 10<i>s.</i>-a-day man. Special luncheon rates for those not + absent from home at night, but absent for more than ten + hours.</p> + + <p>Visitors might be searched on arrival and departure by real + Custom House Officers. This would be sure to make it popular. + Please, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, do help us. Yours, &c.,</p> + + <p class="author">A GOVERNMENT CLERK.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ENGLISH OPERA AS SHE ISN'T SUNG.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/257-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/257-2.png" + alt="Very sorry, my dear Sir Ivanhoe." /></a>"Very + sorry, my dear Sir Ivanhoe, but you're rather too + heavy for this Carte. We shall get along better with a + lighter weight." + </div> + + <p>It seems impossible to support a Royal English Opera House + with its special commodity of English Opera, that is, Opera + composed by an Englishman to an Englishman's <i>libretto</i>, + and played by English operatic singers. <i>Ivanhoe</i>, a + genuine English Opera, by a genuine English Composer (with an + Irish name), produced with great <i>éclat</i>, has, after a + fair run and lots of favour, been <i>Doyl-écarté</i>, in order + to make room for the <i>Basoche</i>, an essentially French + Opera, by French Composer and Librettists, done, of course, + into English, so as to be "understanded of the people." The + <i>Basoche</i> has "caught on," and our friends in front, + including Composer, Librettist, and + Middlemen—DRURIOLANUS, who bought it, and DOYLY CARTY, + who bought it of Sir DRURI—are all equally pleased and + satisfied. Considered as a matter of business, what signifies + the nationality as long as the spec pays?—<i>tout est + là.</i> Only why retain the differentiating title of "English" + for the establishment? Why not call it "The Cosmopolitan Opera + House"? Of course this applies, nowadays, to Covent Garden + Theatre, which is no longer the Italian Opera House, but simply + the Covent Garden Opera during the Operatic Season, when + French, English, Italian, and German Operas are played by a + Babel of singers. By the way, while on the subject of + nomenclature, why not "The Royal Babel Opera House"?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page258" + id="page258"></a>[pg 258]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/258.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/258.png" + alt="A LUCID INTERVAL." /></a> + + <h3>A LUCID INTERVAL.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Things one would rather have expressed + differently.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Doctor.</i> "HOW IS THE PATIENT THIS MORNING?"</p> + + <p><i>Nurse.</i> "WELL—HE HAS BEEN WANDERING A GOOD + DEAL IN HIS MIND. EARLY THIS MORNING I HEARD HIM SAY, 'WHAT + AN OLD WOMAN THAT DOCTOR IS!'—AND I THINK THAT WAS + ABOUT THE LAST REALLY <i>RATIONAL</i> REMARK HE MADE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;</h2> + + <h3>OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["<i>Suprema lex regis voluntas.</i>" Words reported to + have been written by the German Emperor in the Visitors' + Book of the City Council at Munich.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No more let men chatter of such a small matter</p> + + <p class="i2">As Ladies Magnetic, with mystical + forces,</p> + + <p>Whose billiard-cue business strikes with sheer + dizziness</p> + + <p class="i2">Muscular Miloes who're game to lift + horses.</p> + + <p>As MITCHELL the bulky was made to look sulky</p> + + <p class="i2">By slight Mrs. ABBOTT, the Georgian + Mystery,</p> + + <p>She is struck silly by Behemoth BILLY,</p> + + <p class="i2">That young Teuton Titan, the toughest in + history.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Oracle Mighty (though vocally flighty),</p> + + <p class="i2">Great Creature, omniscient (if a bit + youthful),</p> + + <p>Panjandrum-plus-CÆSAR, Herculean Teaser</p> + + <p class="i2">Of tendencies vicious, or tame, or + untruthful!</p> + + <p>You mastered the Moral while sucking your + coral—</p> + + <p class="i2">You set the world right—in + idea—in your cradle.</p> + + <p>Omnipotent Bumble, our pride let us humble,</p> + + <p class="i2">And take our opinions—like + soup—from <i>your</i> ladle!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You <i>are</i> such a fellow! The sages turn + yellow,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wits all go pallid, and so do the + heroes;</p> + + <p>Big Brontes grow jealous when <i>you</i> blow the + bellows,</p> + + <p class="i2">A fig for your CÆSARS, ISKANDERS, and + NEROS!</p> + + <p>You lick them all hollow, great Vulcan-Apollo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sole lord of our consciences, lives, + arts, and armies!</p> + + <p>But (like Mrs. A., Sir) 'twould floor you to say, + Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where, what, in the mischief the source + of your charm is!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, how <i>do</i> you do it? That Georgian's cue, + it,</p> + + <p class="i2">Compared with your sceptre, is just a + mere withy.</p> + + <p>You quietly front in with that calm + "<i>Voluntas</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2">(Expressed for our guidance in epigrams + pithy)</p> + + <p>You hint you can rule us, and guide us, and school + us,</p> + + <p class="i2">"All off your own bat," without Clergy or + Minister,</p> + + <p>Giving swift gruel to stage-prank, or duel,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or any thing else <i>you</i> think stupid + or sinister.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Autocrat fateful, we ought to be grateful</p> + + <p class="i2">For such an infallible, all-potent + party,</p> + + <p>At <i>this</i> time of day too, to show us the way + to—</p> + + <p class="i2">Wherever you'd lead us, with confidence + hearty.</p> + + <p>And as for those duffers, your confidence + suffers</p> + + <p class="i2">To tug at the sceptre, with vain thoughts + of swaying it,</p> + + <p>What can it matter? "The Magnet" can shatter</p> + + <p class="i2">Their strength; at its pleasure + controlling or staying it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain "Blood and Iron," with foes that environ</p> + + <p class="i2">Your sceptre, smart Press-man, or + Socialist spouter,</p> + + <p>May struggle together; you hold them in tether,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or so you proclaim, you, whom foes call + "the Shouter."</p> + + <p>The pose is imposing, if ere the scene's + closing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The "Little Germania Magnate" gets + beaten;</p> + + <p>Well, put at the worst, Sir, you are not the first, + Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who playing the Thraso has humble-pie + eaten!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"DINNER FORGET."—Lord RANDOLPH is coming home by a + Union Company's Steamer. The distinguished Unionist is to have + a special cook to attend to him. Does this mean that he returns + as a Special COOK's Tourist?</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Election Echo.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GLADSTONIAN LAMBERT,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of course, as he should,</p> + + <p>This last bye-election</p> + + <p class="i2">Considered was good.</p> + + <p>But Unionist BULLER</p> + + <p class="i2">Has said, on reflection,</p> + + <p>That to him it seemed rather</p> + + <p class="i2">A Good-Bye election!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW WORK.—<i>A Merry England in a Cat's Cradle</i>, by + the Author of <i>Across England in a Dog-Cart</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.—Brazil.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page259" + id="page259"></a>[pg 259]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/259.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/259.png" + alt="THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;" /></a> + + <h3>THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;</h3>OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE + SCEPTRE. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page261" + id="page261"></a>[pg 261]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/261.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/261.png" + alt="JONES, SHOOTING IN NEW BOOTS." /></a>JONES, + SHOOTING IN NEW BOOTS, IS KNOCKED OUT SIX MILES FROM + HOME, AND ACCORDINGLY IS TOLD OFF TO "MARK" FOR THE + PARTY. WIND N.N.E., VERY FRESH. THERMOMETER 28°. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2> + + <p>I have been forced by the enormous increase of my business + to take larger offices, and to engage two hundred additional + clerks to carry on my immense correspondence. I merely mention + this as it may be satisfactory to my countless well-wishers. + But of course the old address—"CROESUS: London" will + still find me. I publish below a selection from the letters + received during the week.</p> + + <p>(1.) SIR,—You informed me in a private communication, + that the Patent Spills Manufacturing Co. stock was a splendid + investment. Acting on this, I bought. From that moment, Spills + have fallen steadily. Kindly explain.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + INDIGNANT.</p> + + <p>[To this I can only answer, that the complaint is ludicrous, + and preposterous. If you had bought on the day I advised, and + sold out ten minutes afterwards, you would have realised a + handsome profit of one farthing a share. Moreover, how can + anything fall steadily? I never did, which shows what a fool + "INDIGNANT" must be.</p> + + <p class="author">CROESUS.]</p> + + <p>(2.) SIR,—I send £22,000 19<i>s.</i> 8-3/4<i>d.</i>, + which I wish tied up as tightly as possible in the Unlimited + Packthread Stock Company, which you say is as safe as a house. + Let me know which particular house you mean. The money belongs + (or belonged) to my Maiden Aunt.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours sincerely,<br /> + BALIK RASH.</p> + + <p>[Consider it done, my dear Sir; consider it done. I return + the three farthings, for which I have no possible use. The rest + is invested. Transfers await your signature at my new + office.</p> + + <p class="author">CROESUS.]</p> + + <p>(3.) SIR,—I have saved £4 5<i>s.</i> 2<i>d.</i> during + the last twenty years, and now send it to you in the Automatic + Toast and Muffin Distributor Co., which I see guarantees a + return of 500 per cent., with an anticipated increase of 200 + per cent. from the sale of concessions in suburban districts. + "The Muffins," you say, "will always be kept at toasting point, + and, by a novel and ingenious arrangement, a perpetual supply + of the best butter will spread itself over every Muffin as it + is distributed to the Public." I like this very much. Pray, + therefore, place me on toast to the enclosed amount.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + ONE IN THE SLOT.</p> + + <p>[Have done what you wish. You have already cleared profit of + over £500. We shall add buns and crumpets to our business + to-morrow, and tea-cakes on the following day, so as to place + it in everybody's power to take the cake, if he wants to.</p> + + <p class="author">CROESUS.]</p> + + <p>I have little more to add this week, but I think it only + right to hint that I am engaged in perfecting the details of a + scheme which will revolutionise finance. I am not allowed, + <i>at present</i>, to enter into full particulars, but I may + say that I have been in close conference with the very highest + person in the world of finance, and that he is to submit my + plan to the next Cabinet Council. Briefly, when my scheme is + floated, Consols will immediately go to par, and will be + converted into a security bearing ten per cent. + interest—and this without a single penny being added to + the tax-payers' burdens. I have been authorised by the + officials of the Treasury to receive any investments that my + readers may offer. Now, therefore, is your time. Next week I + may have to take a short holiday, owing to the strain on my + nerves, caused by my numerous anxieties. But the good work will + go on as before.</p> + + <p class="author">"CROESUS LONDON."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from + organising and managing an efficient army, and there are at + any given moment a score of men in the City of London, who + could carry out the work with perfect ease.—<i>Daily + Paper, November 19, 1891</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Army Universal Provision Company + Limited (Managing Director, Mr.</i> BLACKLEY<i>). Enter + Recruit in Department No. 1. He looks round him surprised + at the business-like activity that greets him on every + side.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>politely</i>). Anything I can do for you, + Sir, to-day? We have an assortment of Queen's Shillings fresh + from the Mint. Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but + interesting. Can I tempt you?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>with some hesitation</i>). Well, I + thought of joining the Army, and—</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Certainly, Sir. Doctor + in that room. Magistrate in that. Be medically passed and sworn + to allegiance while you wait. (<i>Ushers Recruit into various + Departments—whence he emerges duly enrolled</i>.) And + now, Sir, which branch of the Service would you like to + see?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, I did think of the Tenth Hussars.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>promptly</i>). Quite right, Sir. + First-class Regiment, commanded by His Royal Highness Field + Marshal the Prince of WALES. (<i>To Assistant</i>.) Show this + gentleman the way to the outfitting-room—Tenth + Hussars.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Recruit <i>in less than no time is fitted out. On his + return to the Central Hall he is once more greeted by a + principal official.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Foreman</i>. Now, Sir, you would like to learn your + drill?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, yes—</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i>. Quite so. We teach it in six easy lessons, + at twelve shillings a lesson. You can pay for it either out of + your reserved pay, or now. If the latter, we allow five per + cent. discount.</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>without hesitation</i>). I think I will + pay it later.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>putting up his receipt-book</i>). + Certainly, Sir, No difference to us. And now, Sir, perhaps you + will take your lessons.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Recruit <i>goes through a course which soon puts him + to-rights. At the end he shakes</i> Foreman <i>warmly by + the hand.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. You are sure that I really know my + drill?</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i>. Quite. Why, Sir, you are letter perfect. And + now, is there anything more we can do for you?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, I did join the Army with the intention + of going to the wars.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>apologetically</i>). Very sorry, Sir, but + we haven't the article on hand just at present. Sure to have + some by-and-by. Is there anything else we can do for you, + Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, failing a war, I should like a passage + to India.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>in a deprecatory tone</i>). Well, Sir, + frankly, we cannot recommend it. But if you have made up your + mind, we must ask you to step over to the Waste Department. + They settle such-like matters there. See over yonder, Sir, + where that venerable General on crutches is. He has just got a + Colonelcy, but he can't hold it very long, as he is over + eighty! And now I must say adieu, as I have other pupils + claiming my assistance. Good day!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Starts off, and prepares food for powder in other + quarters. Curtain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page262" + id="page262"></a>[pg 262]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/262.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/262.png" + alt="'BREEZY BRIGHTON.'" /></a> + + <h3>"BREEZY BRIGHTON."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page263" + id="page263"></a>[pg 263]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/263-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/263-1.png" + alt="THE REVOLT OF THE RATEPAYERS AGAINST KING KOUNTY KOUNCIL THE FIRST." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE REVOLT OF THE RATEPAYERS AGAINST KING KOUNTY + KOUNCIL THE FIRST.</h3>(TEMPLE, WEMYSS, AND SAVORY LEAD THE + ATTACK.) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOARD ON BOTH SIDES.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Railway Carriage. Present two</i> + Passengers <i>discussing the Topics of the Day.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Passenger</i>. And then there's the School Board! I + am on my way to record my vote.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> And so am I. I hope, Sir, we are of both + of the way of thinking?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> I hope so, too. My idea is to give the + children of the poor every possible advantage. Let them learn + all they can. Yes, Sir, let them learn all they can.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/263-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/263-2.png" + alt="'Why, it's as plain as the Nose on your face!'" /> + </a>"Why, it's as plain as the Nose on your face!" + </div> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). But, my dear Sir, + what can be the good of that? It will be of no use to them in + their future, and will only make them dissatisfied with their + position.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>calmly</i>). Ah, my dear Sir, you + evidently take a narrow view of the subject. Why should not the + poor enjoy equality with the rich? It is only the accident of + birth that divides the peasant from the Peer.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>obstinately</i>). I do not care + about the cause, I only look to the result—the rich + <i>are</i> divided from the poor. It is ridiculous that an + orange-girl should play the piano, and a ploughman paint a + picture.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>smiling</i>). I do not see why. + Surely the poor should have their little amusements? And do we + not have it on decent classical authority, "that Art polishes + the manners, and renders them less ferocious!"</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Ah! You take a + sentimental view of it! Believe me, the people would be all the + better were they to receive a practical—a technical + education—say were they to be taught how to sweep + chimneys, or to blacken boots!</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>complacently</i>). They will engage + in both those useful industries with the greater <i>gusto</i> + if they know that when they are at leisure they can understand + MACAULAY or enjoy BEETHOVEN.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>with conviction</i>). But you must + admit that there is a good deal of waste. Consider Mr. FORSTER + calculated that the rate would be threepence in the pound, and + now it's a shilling, and will go higher still! Remember that + Londoners pay far more dearly than citizens of many provincial + towns, for an article not one whit better.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>with, a genial smile</i>). Ah, I see + you are quoting from the Press.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>earnestly</i>). And why not? Is it + true, or is it not, that money is squandered upon rotten + buildings, upon excessive salaries to teachers, and upon the + provision of refinements in education?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>smiling</i>). Still quoting! But if I + admit that there is something in what you say, is it not always + the case? Have we ever unmixed good, or unmixed evil? And I + contend that the same advantages derivable from a School-Board + education entirely compensate for a little loss.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>rather out of temper</i>). Well, you + take it calmly enough.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>amiably</i>). Why not? It is my + theory that every child should have the best possible + education. The infant should have enough mental food to last + him for life. It is our duty that he should got it.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>with irritation</i>). Well, at least + you take an unselfish view of the case.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>smiling sweetly</i>). I don't see + that! As a matter of fact, I am sufficiently successful not to + care for competition. I believe that I am first-rate in my own + walk; and, however the School Board may educate, they will not + reach my standard.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>drily</i>). I was not thinking of + that, although it is a consideration. But how about the rates, + my dear Sir—the rates?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>with a good-humoured laugh</i>). Oh, + bother the rates! I don't see where they come in.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>with ghastly jocularity</i>). But I + do—by the front door.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>). Tut, tut! But + what have the rates to do with the matter?</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>astonished</i>). Why, at a shilling + in the pound and more to follow, you must admit they make a + hole in a modest income?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). And what if + they do, Sir—what if they do? Have we no duty to our + fellow man? Ought we not to sacrifice something on his + behalf—for his sake? And, my dear Sir, I speak all the + more dispassionately, because my rates are paid—<i>by my + Landlord!</i> [<i>Curtain.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.—"HISTORICAL + GARDENER."—Yes, certainly—it was "The + Gallows-tree," from which "The Hanging Gardens of Babylon" took + their name. Any school-boy knows this.—"INQUIRING + BUOY."—No; the Nore Light is not a candelabraham.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page264" + id="page264"></a>[pg 264]</span> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/264.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/264.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>DEAREST MADGE,</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You have asked me to tell you some scandal!</p> + + <p class="i2">You seem to forget how I hate such a + theme—</p> + + <p>How I loathe and detest every girl who's a + Vandal,</p> + + <p class="i2">Destroying that fine work of Art, + Nature's Scheme.</p> + + <p>Why, I <i>never</i> talk scandal, you goose, and you + know it;</p> + + <p class="i2">It's no fascination whatever to + <i>me</i>.</p> + + <p>I <i>could</i> tell some, of course, for we county + folk grow it</p> + + <p class="i2">Like so many apples and pears on a + tree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I repeat, I detest such a thing beyond measure.</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm not like dear MAUD, who my husband + declares</p> + + <p>Was invented and made to exist on the pleasure</p> + + <p class="i2">Of dragging to light other people's + affairs.</p> + + <p><i>She</i> would forward you scandalous tales by the + dozen—</p> + + <p class="i2">There's no one like <i>her</i> if you + want any news.</p> + + <p>I declare she's as bad as her wretch of a + cousin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who's bolted with Major FITZ-DASH, of the + Blues.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, for instance, she told me (in confidence, mind + you)</p> + + <p class="i2">That Captain BLANK CARTRIDGE, when + playing at Nap,</p> + + <p>Has an odious habit of getting behind you,</p> + + <p class="i2">And calling according to what's on your + lap.</p> + + <p>(By the way, we have only just heard that the + Major,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who gave Lady B. such a beautiful + horse,</p> + + <p>Is a perfect <i>Don Juan</i>, and quite an old + stager</p> + + <p class="i2">At playing a prominent part in + divorce.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>More than that, she assures me (although I don't + doubt it)</p> + + <p class="i2">That D., though apparently sober and + staid,</p> + + <p>Is a flirt, and that people are talking about it</p> + + <p class="i2">Indignantly here. And it's true, I'm + afraid;</p> + + <p>For I heard Mrs. PARSONS, the wife of the Vicar,</p> + + <p class="i2">Inform Countess C. (who's forgiven, you + know)</p> + + <p>That each day she appears to get thicker and + thicker</p> + + <p class="i2">With N., though engaged to be married to + O.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MAUD has written to mother, and said in her + letter</p> + + <p class="i2">(Marked "private ") that T., who has + taken to drink,</p> + + <p>And been sent to a sort of a home, is no better,</p> + + <p class="i2">And quenches his thirst, when he can, + with the ink.</p> + + <p>And the Dowager Duchess of M. (the old sinner!)</p> + + <p class="i2">Has dropped all the money she had backing + gees;</p> + + <p>While the Colonel, who's said to have spotted the + winner,</p> + + <p class="i2">Owns most of the horses that <i>lost</i>, + if you please!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But dear MAUD is the one for the news that's + exciting.</p> + + <p class="i2">You've wasted your paper in sending to + <i>me</i>.</p> + + <p>I would just as soon think, love, of flying as + writing</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>One word</i> of the scandal of + afternoon tea.</p> + + <p>Give my love to your mother, and kisses to + DORA—</p> + + <p class="i2">(She's doing the season with you, I + presume?)</p> + + <p>And believe me your ever affectionate, FLORA.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">P.S. Mrs. K. has eloped with her + groom!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Scandal Hall, Torking</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <p>We find the following paragraph in a + contemporary:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>A meeting on the Somersetshire floods has been summoned + by the Earl of CORK, Lord-Lieutenant of the County, for + to-morrow, at Bridgewater.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are bound to observe that this arrangement displays a + lamentable lack of consideration for others on the part of the + noble convener. It is all very well for the Earl of CORK to + select the Somersetshire floods for a place of meeting. But + whilst CORK is bobbing up and down, buoyantly enjoying himself, + what is to become of ordinary persons foregathered in such + circumstances? We presume that boats, or at least life-belts, + will be provided for the movers and seconders of the various + resolutions. Or does Bridgewater cover everything?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Walking down St. James' Street the other day, whom should we + meet but the Earl of PORTSMOUTH, long known in the House of + Commons as Lord LYMINGTON. Opportunity was taken to inquire + whether a recent event in South Molton had led to any + estrangement between his Lordship and his former + constituents.</p> + + <p>"No, TOBY," said the belted Earl; "I think I may say, that, + between me and my old constituents, the wing of friendship has + not Molton a feather."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the foregoing paragraph, the phrase "belted Earl," is + used advisedly. At the period of which Sir WALTER SCOTT wrote + (<i>vide</i> any of his novels) it will be found that members + of this rank of the Peerage are all spoken of as belted. For + some time the fashion fell out of use. The belt was + appropriately revived by the late Earl of BEACONSFIELD, and is + now quite a common thing with the aristocracy. The Earl of + SELBORNE is very particular about the fit and cut of his.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. BOYCE, in his interesting and picturesque work, + <i>Snowdon and Rained Upon</i>, insists on the desirability of + taking only a light luncheon when engaged upon a pedestrian + tour. He adds, "I walked up Snowdon on two hard-boiled eggs." + The remark seems scarcely relevant, but it records a notable + achievement. Considering the height of Snowdon, and the + occasional stoniness of the path, to walk up it on two eggs, + howsoever hard-boiled, is a feat that puts in the shade the + Music-hall trick of riding up an inclined plane of rope on a + bicycle. Mr. BOYCE does not say what he came down upon. + Probably his back.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hear from Munich that underneath the motto, <i>Suprema + lex regis voluntas</i>, written in the Visitors' Book by the + Emperor of GERMANY, there now appears the following + line—<i>Rex est major singulis, minor universis</i>. Herr + HITHERCLIFT, the well-known German authority, having made a + careful examination of the page, states his opinion that the + handwriting is that of Prince BISMARCK, or is an excellent + imitation.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A WARLIKE TALE FROM THE PACIFIC.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from the Possible Diary of a Realistic + Novelist.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Well, now I think I have got matters pretty straight. The + question is, whether the Baron will accept my last message as + chaff, or resent it. Let me see, how does it read—"It is + suggested, for the President's consideration, that rumours + uncorrected or unexplained acquire almost the force of admitted + truth." Quite so—so they do. Let me see—"That any + want of confidence between the governed and the Government must + be hurtful"—well, to us both. Yes! That's all right. So + it will! Lastly, "That the rumours, in their present form, tend + to damage the white races in the native mind, and to influence + for the worse the manners of the Samoans." Now, that + <i>ought</i> to fetch him! A wink is as good as a nod to a + blind pig! However, he is quite ass enough to do nothing! + Everybody saying that he is going to blow us all up, himself + included! Why it's enough to make the natives rise and kill + every white man in the place. Still, good idea for a story.</p> + + <p><i>Later</i>. The idiot! Instead of promptly denying the + facts, he says he won't have anything to do with us, because + "we care so little for the correctness of the facts we deal + with." We only asked for information. Are we going to be blown + into smithereens, or are we not? That's the point, and he won't + tell us! Wants to know what business it is of ours? The + situation is decidedly dramatic—but unpleasant!</p> + + <p><i>Later Still</i>.—Have replied that "the matter very + much concerns us." Tell him, we wrote, not for protection, but + for information. "Are we going to be blown up, or are we not?" + An answer will oblige.</p> + + <p><i>A Little Later</i>.—No, he is not to be drawn. + Won't swerve an inch. So now we are trying another dodge. Will + he resign his dual office? He says he will resign one. But he + knows that won't do. If he remains chief adviser to the King, + we shall be nowhere. His last idea is to resign the + Presidentship of the Municipal Council. Why, we are the + Council, and we should have kicked him out if he hadn't! Very + funny, but it's hard to laugh when one's within an ace of a + massacre or an explosion.</p> + + <p><i>Latest</i>.—Still in doubt. However, have a subject + for something in the dramatic line. What the entertainment will + be, depends upon the future development of the plot. At present + it may turn out a Tragedy—or an <i>Opéra-bouffe</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. 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