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diff --git a/14074-h/14074-h.htm b/14074-h/14074-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..65d552c --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/14074-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1752 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, November 14th, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + .typewriter {font-family: courier new, courier, monospace;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14074 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 14th, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" + id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. VI.—TO VANITY.</h3> + + <p>DEAR VANITY,</p> + + <p>I think I can see you smirking and posturing before the + abstract mirror, which is your constant companion. It pleases + you, no doubt, to think that anybody should pay you the + compliment of making you the object and the subject of a whole + letter. Perhaps when you have read it to the end you will alter + your mood, since it cannot please you to listen to the truth + about yourself. None of those whom you infect here below ever + did like it. Sometimes, to be sure, it had to be endured with + many grimaces, but it was extraordinary to note how the clouds + caused by the aggravated truth-teller passed away as soon as + his departure had enabled the object of these reproaches to + recover his or her false self again. What boots it, after all, + to tell the truth? For those whom you protect are clad in + armour, which is proof against the sharpest lance, and they can + thus bid defiance to all the clumsy attacks of the merely + honest and downright—for a time; but in the end their + punishment comes, not always in the manner that their friends + predict, but none the less inevitable in one manner or another. + For they all fashion a ridiculous monster out of affectations, + strivings and falsehoods, and label it "Myself;" and in the end + the monster takes breath, and lives and crushes his despised + maker, and immediately vanishes into space.</p> + + <p>Permit me to proceed in my usual way, and to offer you an + example or two. And I begin with HERMIONE MAYBLOOM. HERMIONE + was one of a large family of delightful daughters. Their father + was the well-known Dr. MAYBLOOM, who was Dean of Archester + Cathedral. His massive and convincing volumes on <i>The Fauna + and Flora of the Mosaic Books in their Relation to Modern + Botanical Investigation</i>, must be within your recollection. + It was followed, you remember, by <i>The Dean's Duty</i>, + which, being published at a time when there was, so to speak, a + boom in religious novels, was ordered by many readers under the + impression that it was likely to upset their mature religious + convictions by its assaults on orthodoxy. Their disappointment + when two stout tomes, dealing historically with the + <i>status</i> and duties of Deans, were delivered to them, was + the theme of cheerful comment amongst the light-hearted members + of the Dean's own family.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/229.png" + alt="The Reverend Stephen Hankinson." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Was there ever in this world so delightful a family circle + as that of the Deanery? The daughters were all pretty, but that + was their smallest merit. They were all clever, and well-read, + without a tinge of the bluestocking, and most of them were + musical to the tips of their slender fingers. How merrily their + laughter used to ring across the ancient close, and how + playfully and gently they used to rally the dear learned old + Dean who had watched over them and cared for them since Mrs. + MAYBLOOM'S death, many years before, with all the tender care + of the most devoted mother. And of this fair and smiling + throng, "my only rosary," as the Dean used to call them, + HERMIONE was, I think, the prettiest, as she was certainly the + most accomplished. Every kind of gift had been showered upon + her by Nature. When she played her violin, accompanied by her + elder sister on the piano, tears trickled unbidden down the + aquiline nose of the militant Bishop of Archester, the chapter + stood hushed to a man, and the surrounding curates were only + prevented by a salutary fear of ruining their chances of + preferment from laying themselves, their pittances, and their + garnered store of slippers at her pretty feet. Then in a fit of + charming petulance, she would break off in the middle of the + piece, lay down her violin, and, with a pretty imperiousness, + command a younger sister to fetch her zither, on which to + complete the subjugation of her adorers. And then her + caricatures—summer-lightning flashes of pencilled wit, as + I heard the Reverend SIMEON COPE describe them in a moment of + enthusiasm after she had shown us her sketch of his rival, the + Reverend STEPHEN HANKINSON.</p> + + <p>But even in those days, while she still had about her all + the fascinations of peerless beauty and fresh and glowing + youth, I mistrusted her. Alone of all the sisters she seemed to + me to be wanting in heart. I heard her several times attempt to + snub her father, and once I noted how she spent a whole evening + in moody silence, and refused to play a note, for no other + reason that I could see except that Captain ARBLAST, of the + 30th Lancers, the dashing first-born of the Bishop, who + happened to be spending a few days of his long leave in + Archester, devoted himself with all the assiduity of his + military nature to twirling his heavy moustache in the + immediate neighbourhood of SOPHY MAYBLOOM, and not in that of + HERMIONE. Indeed, I have reason to know that, after the guests + had departed, poor SOPHY had to endure from her sister a + dreadful scene, the harsh details of which have not yet faded + from her memory. And then I remembered, too, how it was a + matter of family chaff against HERMIONE that once, not very + long after she had entered upon her teens, she had sobbed + convulsively through a whole night, because she had discovered + that her juvenile arms were thin and mottled, and she imagined + that she would never be able to wear a low dress, or shine in + Society.</p> + + <p>Such, then, was the beautiful HERMIONE, who for some years + rode rough-shod over the hearts of all the males in Archester. + Space fails me to enumerate all her engagements. She broke them + one after another without a thought, and cast her admirers away + as if they had been dresses of last year's fashion. Most of + them, it must be said, recovered quickly enough, but the + miserable COPE became a hopeless hypochondriac, and never + smiled again. He died the other day, and HERMIONE's sketch of + HANKINSON was found, frayed and soiled, in an ancient + pocket-book which he always carried about with him. HANKINSON'S + fate seemed at first to be worse. He took to poetry, morbid, + passionate, yearning, unhealthy poetry, of the skimmed + SWINBURNE variety, and for a time was gloomy enough. Having, + however, engaged in a paper conflict with one of his critics, + he forgot his sorrows, and though he still declares an + overwhelming desire for death and oblivion about six times a + year, in various magazines, he seemed, when I last saw him, + fairly comfortable and happy. But, of course, he has never + secured a vicarage.</p> + + <p>To return to HERMIONE. She at last married a certain Mr. + PARDOE, a barrister practising on the Archester Circuit, and + established herself in town. Shortly afterwards she became the + rage. Her beauty, her wit, her music, her dinners, her + diamonds, were spoken of with enthusiasm. All the elderly + <i>roués</i>, whose leathery hearts had been offered up + at hundreds of shrines, became her temporary slaves. She coaxed + them, cajoled them, and fooled them, did this innocent daughter + of a simple-minded Dean, to the top of their various bents. She + schemed successfully against countless rivals, in order to + maintain her pre-eminence in the admiration of her circle. Her + ambition knew no bounds. She changed her so-called friends + every week; she cultivated grand passions for actors, authors, + musicians, and even for professors. Sometimes she played to + select audiences with all her old ravishing skill, but this + happened more and more rarely, until at last she utterly + declined, and even went so far as to flout H.S.H. the Duke of + KALBSKOPF, who had been specially invited to meet her.</p> + + <p>Then suddenly came the crash. She left her husband, in + company with CHARLIE FITZHUBERT, the heir presumptive to the + wealthy earldom of Battersea. On the following day Mr. PARDOE + blew out his brains, leaving ten thousand pounds of debt and + three young children. Six months afterwards the venerable Dean + died, and sentimental people spoke of a broken heart. Then the + Earl of BATTERSEA, in a fit of indignation, married, and was + blessed with a son, the present Earl. CHARLIE FITZHUBERT + married HERMIONE, but they are as poor as curates, and he hates + her. I saw her two days ago in a shabby hired carriage. She is + getting prematurely old, and grey, and wrinkled, and everybody + avoids her, except her sister SOPHY, who still visits her, and + suffers her ill-humour.</p> + + <p>Charming story, isn't it? I shall write again soon.</p> + + <p>Yours, in the meantime,<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NIGHT-MAILING.—"Night Mail between London and Paris" + has been recently announced in all the papers as now ready and + willing to take night-mailers from Victoria, L.C. & D., to + the French Capital. It is to be a Third-class Night Mail, + though a Knight of the First Class can, of course, travel by it + should he be so disposed. Thirty shillings through fare for "a + single;" but as the tariff doesn't explicitly inform us whether + the passenger will be asked the question, "Married or single?" + and so be charged accordingly, we may presume that a margin is + left for a little surprise. The train of Night Mails—a + kind of gay bachelor train, no females being of the + party—is to start at 8:15 P.M., and to be in Paris at + 5:50 A.M.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" + id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span> + + <h2>DRAWING THE BADGER.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>A Natural History Note</i>.)</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/230.png" + alt="The Badger" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Badger (<i>Meles-Taxus</i>) is at once one of the most + inoffensive and (in one sense) offensive of our few remaining + British Carnivora. He is described by NAPIER of Merchiston, in + his <i>Book of Nature and of Man</i>, as a "quiet nocturnal + beast, but if much 'badgered' becoming obstinate, and fighting + to the last, in which it is a type of a large class of Britons, + who like to be let alone, but when ill used can fight."</p> + + <p>That great new authority on Natural History, Mr. G.A. HENTY + (author of <i>Those Other Animals</i>), should be able to tell + us much about the Badger. Therewith he would be able, in his + own favourite fashion, to "point a moral" (against the + Demogorgon Democracy), and "adorn a tale" (of laboured + waggery). He might find the subject as suggestive of sardonic + chaff as American women and Republican institutions.</p> + + <p>What says the popular WOOD? He describes the Badger as "slow + and clumsy in its actions," and as "rolling along so awkwardly + that it may easily be mistaken for a young pig in the dusk of + the evening." Woe, however, to whomsoever <i>does</i> take the + creature for "a young pig." "Being naturally as harmless an + animal as can be imagined, it is a terrible antagonist when + provoked to use the means of defence with which it is so well + provided."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" + id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We tax the patience of poor <i>Meles-Taxus</i>,</p> + + <p>Until he turns with tooth and claws and whacks + us.</p> + + <p>The natural home of <i>Taxus</i>—the + Exchequer—</p> + + <p>Harbours a creature that keeps up its pecker.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"For the purpose of so-called 'sport,' the Badger used to be + captured and put into a cage ready to be tormented; at the + cruel will of every ruffian who might chose to risk his dog + against the sharp teeth of the captive animal."</p> + + <p>This particular sort of "sport" is a little out of date. But + "drawing a Badger" is not unknown even in these humanitarian + days. Dogs will sometimes voluntarily rush in to risk their + hides and muzzles against the aforesaid sharp teeth, &c. + Look at those in the picture!</p> + + <p>The two small, if aggressive, terriers seem unequally + matched against the "clumsy" but strong-jawed and + terribly-toothed Badger. They have drawn him, indeed, out of + his hole, and one of them, at least, seems rather sorry for it, + if you may judge by the way in which he turns tail and makes + for his protector, the big Bull-Terrier. The ventripotent + broken-haired tyke looks more valorous—for the moment. + Yap! yap! yap! <i>Meles-Taxus</i> takes little notice of him, + however. His eyes are on that sturdy specimen of <i>Canis + familiaris</i> there, whose bold eyes in turn are on + <i>him</i>. Both, perhaps, experience—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That stern joy which warriors feel</p> + + <p>In foemen worthy of their steel."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Drawn by those two tiny yelpers? Not a bit of it! But + <i>you</i>, my complacent canine Colossus—come on if you + dare!" And he <i>does</i> dare, evidently. Whether he'll regret + his daring remains to be seen.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Memory of Milton.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MILTON forgotten? Nay, my BESANT, nay;</p> + + <p>Not wholly, even in this petty day,</p> + + <p>When learning snips, when criticism snaps,</p> + + <p>And the great bulk of readers feed on scraps.</p> + + <p>Still, still he finds his "audience fit, though + few,"</p> + + <p>The rest <i>forget</i> not since they never + knew.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>The Off-Portsmouth Phrase-Book.</h3> + + <p>Have you caught a fish?</p> + + <p>No, but I have bagged a cannon-ball.</p> + + <p>Is the sea too rough for your boat?</p> + + <p>No, the sea is not too rough, but the Torpedoes are + decidedly embarrassing.</p> + + <p>Is that a pretty shell that you are going to carry home to + your children?</p> + + <p>No, it is a live one, that, if it bursts a yard nearer, will + blow us into smithereens.</p> + + <p>Do you propose returning to your lodging to-night?</p> + + <p>That is a matter that will be decided by the Commander of + the nearest practising gun-boat.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/231a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/231a.png" + alt="The result of too much Greek" /></a> <b>THE + RESULT OF TOO MUCH GREEK.</b> + + <p><i>First Classic</i>. "BY THE WAY, HADN'T DANTE GOT + ANOTHER NAME?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Classic</i>. "YES; ALFIERI, I THINK—OR + ELSE ALIGHIERI."</p> + + <p><i>First Classic</i>. "AH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAD A + NOTION IT WAS GABRIEL ROSSETTI, OR SOMETHING!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>CUTTING REMARKS.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/231b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/231b.png" + alt="Tied to Time." /></a> Tied to Time. + </div> + + <p>Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES has taken a theatre wherein to play + his own plays to his own taste. On the first night of <i>The + Crusaders</i> this taste was not exactly the taste of the + audience. Mr. HENRY AUTHOR JONES seemed to object to be tied to + time, and the result was the prompt appearance of that terrible + conqueror of things terrestrial, General Boredom. Since the + initial performance, it is reported that matters have gone on + more smoothly. According to the "usual sources of information" + the dramatist has been cheered on leaving his theatre, and + heartily congratulated. On one occasion he actually + supplemented his piece with a speech! Apparently he was under + the impression that there could not be too much of a good + thing—JONES for choice! It may be that since the first + performance, there has been some curtailment made in the play. + To judge from appearances it was a question of + cutting—either the author the play, or the public the + theatre!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUITE A NEW SPEC.—We have just received a prospectus + of a Company entitled "<i>The Monarch Insurance Society</i>." + Of course, all the Crowned Heads of Europe will be in it. We + haven't yet read it, the title being sufficient for the + present. <i>Ça donne à penser</i>. Will it + provide New Monarchs for old ones? Will it give good sovereigns + in exchange for bad ones? If so—where will the profit + come in?</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>FRENCH AS SHE IS "WRIT."</h4> + + <p>The <i>Standard's</i> own Vienna Correspondent, when + reporting the unpleasant incident in the life of the Duc + d'ORLÉANS, told us how the Prince, on unwittingly + "accepting service," said to the astute lawyer's clerk, "Mais, + Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment." To which the clerk replied, + "also in French," says the <i>Standard</i>, "One time is as + good as another." But why was not the lawyer's clerk's French + as she is spoke given as well as that of M. le Duc? And how + much more telling it would have been had M. le Duc been served + well and faithfully by a clerk like <i>Perker's Mr. Lowten</i>, + fresh, very fresh, from a carouse at the "Magpie and Stump," or + even by one of <i>Messrs. Dodson and Fog's</i> young men who + enjoyed themselves so much when "a twigging" of the virtuous + <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>.</p> + + <p>"Mais, Monsieur, ce n'est pas le moment," says the Duke, to + which our <i>Mr. Lowten</i> would have replied in + Magpie-and-Stumping French, "Eggskewsy moy, Mossoo, le Dook, + ung Tom is aussy bong qu'ung autre. Mossoo ler Dook ar + maintenong pérusé ler documong; voici le copy et + voilà two. Bonsoir, il faut que je l'accroche."</p> + + <p>Whereupon he would have "hooked it," as it appears this + particular lawyer's clerk did, and was not seen again. No doubt + he joined a circle of admiring friends in the legal + neighbourhood (some Magpies-and-Stumps still exist), where, + over a glass and a cigar, he recounted the merry tale of how he + had served a Duke.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The relation of Hypnotiser to the Hypnotised at the Aquarium + may be simply described as "GERMANE to the subject.'</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>SONG AND CHORUS FOR THE COUNTY COUNCIL ON NEXT DEBATE ON THE + WATER SUPPLY—"Young BENN he was a nice young man."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" + id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS</h2> + + <p class="center">No. XIV.</p> + + <p>SCENE—<i>Gardens belonging to the Hôtel du Parc, + Lugano. Time, afternoon; the orchestra is tuning up in a + kiosk.</i> CULCHARD <i>is seated on a bench in the shade, + keeping an anxious eye upon the opposite door.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She said she had a + headache, and made her father and VAN BOODELER go out on the + lake without her. But she certainly gave me to understand that + she might come out when the band played, if she felt better. + The question is, whether she <i>means</i> to feel better or + not. She is the most tantalising girl! <i>I</i> don't know what + to make of her. Not a single reference, as yet, to that last + talk we had at Bingen. I must see if I can't recall it to her + memory—if she comes. I'll wait here, on the chance of + it—we are not likely to be dis——. Confound it + all—PODBURY! (<i>with suppressed irritation as</i> + PODBURY <i>comes up</i>). Well, do you <i>want</i> anything in + particular?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>cheerfully, as he sits down</i>). Only the + pleasure of your society, old chap. How nicely you do put + things!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> The—er—fact is, I can't promise to + be a particularly lively companion just now.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Not by way of a change? Ah, well, it's a + pity—but I must put up with you as you are, I suppose. + You see—(<i>with a grin</i>)—I've got that vow to + work out.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Possibly—but <i>I</i> haven't. As I've + already told you—I retire.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Wobbled back to Miss TROTTER again, eh? Matter + of taste, of course, but, for my part, I think your + <i>first</i> impression of her was nearer the truth—she's + not what I call a highly cultivated sort of girl, y' know.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You are naturally exacting on that point, but + have the goodness to leave my first impressions alone, + and—er—frankly, PODBURY, I see no necessity + (<i>now</i>, at all events) to take that + ridiculous—hum—penance <i>too</i> literally. We are + <i>travelling</i> together, and I imagine that is enough for + Miss PRENDERGAST.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> It's enough for <i>me</i>—especially when + you make yourself so doosid amiable as this. You needn't alarm + yourself—you won't have any more of my company than I can + help; only I <i>must</i> say, for two fellows who came out to + do a tour <i>together</i>, + it's—— [<i>Walks away, + grumbling.</i></p> + + <p><i>Later. The band has finished playing;</i> Miss TROTTER + <i>is on the bench with</i> CULCHARD.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> And you mean to tell me you've never met + anybody since you even cared to converse with?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>diplomatically</i>). Does that strike you + as so very incredible?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Well, it strikes me as just a <i>little</i> + too thin. I judged you'd go away, and forget I ever + existed.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/232.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/232.png" + alt="Ah, how little you know me!" /></a> "Ah, how + little you know me!" + </div> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with tender reproach</i>). How little you + know me! I may not be an—er—demonstrative man, + my—er—feelings are not easily roused, but, once + roused, well—(<i>wounded</i>)—I think I may claim + to possess an ordinary degree of constancy!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Well, I'm sure I <i>ought</i> to feel it a + vurry high compliment to have you going round grieving all this + time on <i>my</i> account.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Grieving! Ah, if I could only <i>tell</i> you + what I went through! (<i>Decides, on reflection, that the less + he says about this the better.</i>) But all that is past. And + now may I not expect a more definite answer to the question I + asked at Bingen? Your reply then was—well, a little + ambiguous.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I guess it's got to be just about as + ambiguous now—there don't seem anything I <i>can</i> say. + There's times when I feel as if it might be sort of elevating + and improving to have you shining around; and there's other + times when I suspect that, if it went on for any considerable + period, likely I'd weaken. I'm not just sure. And I can't ever + make myself believe but what you're disapproving of me, inside + of you, most all the time!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Pray dismiss such—er—morbid + misgivings, dear Miss TROTTER. Show that you do so by accepting + me as your guide and companion through life!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> My! but that sounds like a proposal?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I intended it to bear + that—er—construction. It <i>is</i> a + proposal—made after the fullest reflection.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I'm ever so obliged. But we don't fix things + quite that way in my country. We want to feel pretty sure, + first, we shann't get left. And it don't seem to me as if I'd + had opportunities enough of studying your leading + characteristics. I'll have to study them some more before I + know whereabouts I am; and I want you to understand that I'm + not going to commit myself to anything at present. That mayn't + be sentiment, but I guess it's common-sense, anyway. And all + <i>you</i>'ve got to do is, just to keep around, and kind of + impress me with a conviction that you're the vurry brightest + and best man in the entire universe, and I don't believe you'll + find much difficulty about <i>that</i>. And now I guess we'll + go into <i>table d'hôte</i>—I'm just as + <i>ravenous</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he follows her</i>). + Really, this is not much better than RUSKIN, after all. But I + don't despair. That last remark was distinctly encouraging!</p> + + <p>SCENE—<i>A large Salle à Manger, decorated in + the Pompeian style. Table d'hôte has begun.</i> CULCHARD + <i>is seated between</i> Miss TROTTER <i>and a large and + conversational stranger. Opposite are three empty + chairs.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culchard's Neighbour</i>. Then you're going on to Venice? + Well, you take <i>my</i> advice. When you get there, you ask + for tunny. Don't forget—<i>tunny</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>who wants to talk to</i> Miss T.) Tunny? + Thank you. I—er—will certainly remember his name, + if I require a guide.</p> + + <p><i>His N.</i> A guide? No, no—tunny's a <i>fish</i>, + Sir, a coarse red fish, with flesh like a raw beefsteak.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Is that so? Then I will make a point of asking + for it—if I want raw beefsteak.</p> + + <p>[<i>Attempts to turn to</i> Miss T.</p> + + <p><i>His N.</i> That's what <i>I</i> did when I was at Venice. + I sent for the Manager. He came. I said to him. "Look here, I'm + an Englishman. My name's BELLERBY. (CULCHARD <i>bows in patient + boredom.</i>) I've heard of your Venetian tunny. I wish to + taste it. <i>Bring</i> me some!"</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>crushingly</i>). A most excellent method + of obtaining it, no doubt. (<i>To</i> Waiter.) <i>Numéro + vingt-sept, demi bouteille de Chianti, et siphon!</i></p> + + <p><i>His N.</i> You don't wait till I've <i>done</i>, Sir! I + <i>didn't</i> obtain it—not at first. The man made + excuses. I was prepared for <i>that</i>. I told him plainly, "I + know what <i>you</i>'re thinking—it's a cheap fish, and + you fancy I'm ordering it out of economy!"</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>raising his eyebrows for</i> Miss T.'s + <i>benefit</i>). Of course, he naturally <i>would</i> think so. + And <i>that</i> is how you got your tunny? I + see. [Mr. BELLERBY <i>stares at him + suspiciously, and decides to suppress the remainder of his + tunny.</i></p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> This hotel seems to be thinning some. We've + three ghosts right in front of us this evening.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>turning with effusion</i>). So we have! My + friend is one, and he'll be here presently, but I much prefer + myself to see every seat occupied. There is something so + depressing about a vacant chair, don't you think?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> It's calculated to put one in mind of + <i>Macbeth's</i> little dinner-party, certainly. But you can + cheer up, Mr. CULCHARD, here comes a couple of belated + <i>Banquos.</i> My gracious; I <i>do</i> like that girl's + face—she has such a perfectly lovely expression, and + looks real superior + too!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" + id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> <i>Culch.</i> (<i>who has + just dropped his glasses into his soup</i>). + I—ah—which lady are you referring too? (<i>He + cleans and adjusts his glasses—to discover that he is + face to face with</i> Miss HYPATIA PRENDERGAST.) Oh ... + I—I see—precisely, quite so! (<i>He turns to</i> + BELLERBY <i>to cover his confusion and avoid meeting</i> + Miss PRENDERGAST'S <i>eye</i>.) I <i>beg</i> your pardon, + you were describing how you caught a tunny? Pray continue. + + <p><i>Mr. Bellerby</i> (<i>stiffly</i>). Excuse me, I don't + seem fortunate enough to have secured your undivided + attention.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with intense interest</i>). Quite the + contrary, I assure you! You were saying you always ordered it + out of economy?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Pardon <i>me</i>—I was saying nothing of + the sort. I was saying that I told the Manager I knew that was + why he <i>thought</i> I ordered it—a rather different + thing! "You're quite wrong," I said. "You may pay + twopence-halfpenny a pound for it, and charge me half-a-crown, + if you like, but I mean to <i>taste</i> that tunny!" I was + determined not to be done out of my tunny, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>breathlessly</i>). And what did the + tunny—I mean the Manager—say to <i>that</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> Oh, made more difficulties—it wasn't to + be got, and so on. At last I said to him (very quietly, but he + saw I was in earnest), "Now I tell you what it + <i>is</i>—I'm going to <i>have</i> that tunny, and, if + you refuse to give it me,—well, I shall just send my + courier <i>out</i> for it, that's all!" So, with, <i>that</i>, + they brought me some—and anything more delicious I never + tasted in all my life!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). If I can only keep him on + at this tunny! (<i>Aloud.</i>) And—er—what + <i>does</i> it taste like exactly, now?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>pregnantly</i>), You <i>order</i> it, + Sir—<i>insist</i> on having it. Then you'll <i>know</i> + what it tastes like! [<i>He devotes + himself to his soup.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with his eyes lowered—to + himself</i>). I <i>must</i> look up in another minute—and + then! [<i>He shivers.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h4>"TYPICAL DEVELOPMENTS."</h4> + + <p>One of our very occasional contributors, whose valuable time + is mainly occupied by the composition of successful novels, + sends us the following, written by his type-writer. From this + specimen it will be gathered what a real economy in correcting + letter-press a type-writer must be.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/233a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233a.png" + alt="Mr. Smuggyns" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote class="typewriter"> + Dear Editor + </blockquote> + + <blockquote class="typewriter"> + I send you my new book to reed and if you likit pleaase + give me a legup. The story of my other book was + anti-turkish but has not yet been probited in Constanple + though it has reachd its tetenth edition, at least the + ninth is neraly all shrubshcribed bedfore it isrereaddy. If + my pullisher is not sasfide oughtbe. Never use pen now only + typwritr so much quickerin tellgible convenent an leshble + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="typewriter">Yours</p> + + <p class="typewriter">S SMUGGYNS</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>It strikes us that either the machine stammers, or that it + was, at the time of writing, somewhat the worse for liquor, or + that it is a very truthfully phonetic-writing but somewhat + indiscreet amanuensis. At the same time herewith and hereby + every success to our friend SMUGGYNS'S new book.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HARD LINES FOR HIM.—When the first stone of a new + theatre in Cranbourne Street was laid the other day by some + Magnates of the Theatrical Profession—beg pardon, + "<i>the</i> Profession," we should have said—Mrs. + BANCROFT made a telling impromptu speech, and then Mr. YARDLEY, + ancient Cricketer and Modern Dramatist, was hit on the + head—accidentally, of course—by the bottle which is + in use on these occasions. "Very YARDLEY treated," observed Sir + DRURIOLANUS, in his happiest vein. Not the first literary gent + who, according to the ancient slang of the Tom-and-Jerry + period, has been "cut" by ill-use of the bottle. But the + unfortunate author's sorrows did not end with this sad blow, + as, very soon afterwards, his dear friends the Critics, with + profuse apologies for being compelled to handle him so + severely, were down upon him for his new version of a French + piece, entitled <i>The Planter</i>. So the logical sequence of + events was, that first a blow was planted, and then appeared + <i>The Planter</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>ECCLESIASTICAL LAYMAN.—At a meeting in Rome, the "Duke + di SERMONETA" took the chair. If ever there were a staunch + Churchman, this by his name, rendered in English as + "Sermon-devourer," should be he.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2> + + <p class="center"><i>Telegraphic Address</i>—"<i>Croesus, + E.C.</i>"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/233b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233b.png" + alt="Lend us half a crown till tomorrow there's a good fellow!" /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Sir,—Let me first express my financial acknowledgments + to the teeming millions who have honoured me, and benefited + themselves by seeking my advice since my first letter appeared + last week. Communications containing cheques, postal orders, + and stamps, have poured in upon me in one unceasing torrent. + The consignors have, in every case, been good enough to say + that they handed all they possessed over to me, in the full + confidence that I would invest the proceeds to the best + advantage in some of the countless undertakings in which I + wield a paramount influence. Their trust is fully deserved.</p> + + <p>Investors will remember that, in the course of the last + German Expedition to Central Africa, a tract of country, rich + in every mineral deposit, and admirably fitted for the + operations of husbandry, was discovered in lat. 42°, long. + 65°. The Germans at that time had not a single handkerchief + left, and were unable, therefore to hoist the German flag over + the palace of the native king, GUL-GULL. Private information of + this was conveyed to me. I at once fitted out an Expedition + <i>at my own expense</i>, placed myself at the head of it, and + after terrible hardships, in the course of which no less than + two hundred of my comrades either succumbed outright to the + bite of the poisonous <i>contango</i> fly, or had to be + mercifully dispatched by the hammer (a painless native form of + death), in order to end their tortures, I succeeded in reaching + the capital, where I was hospitably received by the king. After + a negotiation of three weeks, His Majesty agreed, in the + kindest and most affable manner, to concede to me his whole + country together with all its revenues, minerals, royalties, + timber, water-power, lakes, farm-houses, stock and + manor-houses, the whole beautifully situated in the heart of a + first-class sporting country, within easy reach of ten packs of + hounds; the old residential palace replete with every modern + comfort, and admirably adapted for the purposes of a gentleman + desiring to set up in the business of kingship. It matters not + what I had to pay for this. The secret is my own, and shall go + to Westminster Abbey with me. The point is, that with the funds + entrusted to me, I have formed the Cent-per-Central African + Exploration and Investment Syndicate, and have allotted shares + to all those whose contributions have come to hand. As to + profit, I have calculated it on the strictest actuarial + principles, and find it cannot be less than £100 for + every £100 invested. This may seem small, but in these + matters moderation is the soul of business. I shall have more + to say on this subject next week.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Answers to Correspondents</i>.</p> + + <p>DISMAL JEMMY.—Why do you suggest that the motto of my + new company should be, "<i>Stealer et fraudax</i>"? Is it a + Latin joke? If so, don't write to me any more. Those who deal + with <i>me</i> must be British to the backbone.</p> + + <p>ANXIOUS.—You can't do better than send me those + £50,000. I guarantee secrecy and quick returns. The + Eyeoyu Land Trust is best for your purposes (Pref. deb. 492; + stk. 18. 2. 3). Send money at once to CROESUS, E.C. Delay might + be fatal.</p> + + <p>CAPITALIST.—No doubt, as you say, Consols are Consols; + but take my advice and don't give GOSCHEN your money. Why not + try the <i>United Bladder Mortgage Company</i>? Bladders are + bound to go up. They were floated at 10 and are now at 96. + <i>Verb. sap.</i> No; £20,000 would not be too much.</p> + + <p>"POTTER."—Something good may he done in Land Rails, if + you can get near enough. Have a shot at them by all means.</p> + + <p>"PRACTICAL JOKER."—Quite right. Sell them.</p> + + <p>"ANXIOUS INQUIRER" wishes to be informed what is the + difference between Preferred and Deferred. If he will tell us + how much he expects to receive in each case, the mere + calculation of the difference will be an easy matter; but to + receive it is quite another affair. If he wishes to know the + "distinction" between these two classes of "securities," it may + be summed up in the answer to the question, "Will you have it + now, or wait till you get it?"</p> + + <p>"A PUZZLED ONE."—Sell everything.</p> + + <p>"MEET ME BY MIDNIGHT."—Yes. A Loan.</p> + + <p>"LAMBKIN."—Part with No. 2, &c., but take care of + No. 1.</p> + + <p>"INSIDER."—Get out.</p> + + <p>"TOTTIE TOTTS."—Here for private consultation from 5 + to 7 P.M.</p> + + <p>"RICHARD."—<i>Buy</i> Bizzy B's, <i>Sell</i> Early + P's, and Spoiled Fives. <i>Buy</i> Jingoes.</p> + + <p>"BRUNO."—"Bear" your burdens.</p> + + <p>"ADA WITH THE GOLDENHAIR."—Send photo at once. Cannot + advise until we know your figure.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"CROESUS,</p> + + <p>E.C."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" + id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/234.png" + alt="Conscientiousness" /></a> + + <h3>CONSCIENTIOUSNESS</h3>. + + <p><i>Miss Fitzogre</i>. "WELL, GOOD-BYE, PERCIVAL, AND BE + A GOOD BOY!"</p> + + <p><i>Percival (a very good boy, who has just been + specially warned not to make personal remarks about People + in their presence</i>). "GOOD-BYE. I'LL NOT TELL NURSE WHAT + I THINK OF YOUR NOSE TILL YOU'RE GONE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A JUBILEE GREETING!</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Set to a Song from Sir Walter + Scott</i>.)</p> + + <p class="center">NOVEMBER 9, 1891.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch (for self and everybody) + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My Prince, 'tis for our coming King</p> + + <p class="i2">We all lift glass in hand;</p> + + <p>For him that loud hurrahs do ring</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day all round the land,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">All round a loyal land!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let sycophantish slave kotoo;</p> + + <p class="i2">You love not such display;</p> + + <p>Let courtiers cringe and creatures "boo."</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis not our English way,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis not our English way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As FLORA to Prince CHARLIE bent</p> + + <p class="i2">It is no shame to bow;</p> + + <p>And you're a man to be content</p> + + <p class="i2">With man's respect, I trow,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">With man's respect, I trow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For Fifty Years we've known you, Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">And liked you. Love is free!</p> + + <p>That's why the land is all astir,</p> + + <p class="i2">To hail your Jubilee,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">To hail your Jubilee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Forty-Six <i>Punch</i> pictured you,</p> + + <p class="i2">"A Sailor every + inch,"<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a> + <a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p>Toasting "Mamma!" in a stiff brew</p> + + <p class="i2">Without a sign of flinch,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without one sign of flinch.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Seventy-One he stood beside</p> + + <p class="i2">Your door in sad + "Suspense."<a id="footnotetag2" + name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p> + + <p>We saw the turn in that dark tide</p> + + <p class="i2">With thankfulness intense,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">With gratitude intense.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From stage to stage your course he's marked</p> + + <p class="i2">Abroad as eke at home;</p> + + <p>Where'er you've travelled, toiled, skylarked;</p> + + <p class="i2">And now mid-age has come,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">And now mid-age has come.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come as it comes to all. Most true!</p> + + <p class="i2">But, "let the galled jade wince,"</p> + + <p>Still <i>Punch's</i> pencil pictures you</p> + + <p class="i2">As every inch a Prince,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yes, every inch a Prince!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And now your Jubilee we greet,</p> + + <p class="i2">With hearty English joy,</p> + + <p>Who, as those Fifty Years did fleet,</p> + + <p class="i2">Have watched you, man and boy,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">Have watched you, man and boy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When all is done that Prince can do,</p> + + <p class="i2">All is <i>not</i> done in vain.</p> + + <p>That's why we drink Good Health to you</p> + + <p class="i2">Again and eke again,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">Again and eke again!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Punch</i> turns him round and right about,</p> + + <p class="i2">And leads the British roar</p> + + <p>Which rises in one loyal shout,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Health to the Prince once more!</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">Health to him evermore!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And health to her, the unfading flower</p> + + <p class="i2">From Denmark, o'er the foam.</p> + + <p><i>Ad multos annos</i>, grace, and power,</p> + + <p class="i2">Love, and a Happy Home,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">Love, and a Happy Home!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now youth has gone, and manhood come,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your Jubilee we keep,</p> + + <p>Good-will shall strike detraction dumb,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sound from deep to deep,</p> + + <p class="i16">My Prince,</p> + + <p class="i2">From white-cliff'd deep to deep!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>AN APPARENTLY HARD CASE.—Miss Print is responsible for + a great deal. The other day a tender-hearted person read in a + daily paper, that a stranger "arriving in Paris, did not even + know where to go and die." How sad! But the compositor had only + omitted the "n" from the last word of the sentence. So it + wasn't so bad after all, though for the stranger bad + enough.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Music's the Food."—At the Savoy Hotel the band of + Herr WURMS is advertised to perform during dinner. The name of + the dinner might follow suit, and be entitled "The Diet of + Wurms, for Gentle and Simple." Of course the band of Herr WURMS + is an attraction; "Wurms for bait," eh?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" + id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/235.png" + alt="A Jubilee Greeting!" /></a> + + <h3>A JUBILEE GREETING!</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH (<i>for self and everybody</i>). "HEARTY + CONGRATULATIONS, SIR!—KNOWN YOU FIFTY YEARS, AND LIKE + YOU BETTER THAN EVER!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" + id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/237a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/237a.png" + alt="A kindly view of it." /></a> + + <h3>A KINDLY VIEW OF IT.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>First Rustic</i> (<i>to Second + Ditto</i>). "OH, I SAY! AIN'T HE FOND OF HIS HORSE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>IO TRIUMPHE!</h3> + + <h4>OR, GREEK FOR HEIFER!</h4> + + <p class="center">(<i>By an Old Boy.</i>)</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/237b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/237b.png" + alt="Arcadian piper and dancing sheep." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thee, Camus, reverend renown</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy grateful votaries seek,</p> + + <p>Foil'd are the Vandals who'd "send down"</p> + + <p class="i2">The Genius of Greek.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For Culture's jewell'd master-key</p> + + <p class="i2">They cupboard pick-locks tend,</p> + + <p>And in the cult of Mammon see</p> + + <p class="i2">Learning's true aim and end;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pit shallow youth's impatient fuss</p> + + <p class="i2">Against the grit of CATO,</p> + + <p>Set IBSEN up for ÆSCHYLUS,</p> + + <p class="i2">And OLLENDORFF for PLATO;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For songs august of heroes sung,</p> + + <p class="i2">And epic hosts embattled,</p> + + <p>Enforce some pidgin-Latin tongue</p> + + <p class="i2">By every waiter prattled;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For nymphs, where o'er the fragrant pines</p> + + <p class="i2">A sea-bright sun uprises,</p> + + <p>Their fancy plays round primmest lines</p> + + <p class="i2">Of prigs receiving prizes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From Sir JOHN CHEKE to Dr. JEBB,</p> + + <p class="i2">From CALVERLEY to MILTON,</p> + + <p>Clear spirits burst the Sophist-web,</p> + + <p class="i2">And rent the rook they built on.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>WELLDON is falsely named in this,</p> + + <p class="i2">For sure, in slighting Greek, he</p> + + <p>Will Learning's final blessing miss,</p> + + <p class="i2">Her + <i>καλως + πεποιηκε</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What though the urchin deem it "rot"</p> + + <p class="i2">(Such hasty views we stoop'd to,</p> + + <p>Not seeing how on earth they got</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Tetummenos</i> from <i>Tupto</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still let us learn, not beastly facts,</p> + + <p class="i2">The field of any booby,</p> + + <p>But how thought acts and interacts,</p> + + <p class="i2">And contraries can true be.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though on oblivion's barren shores</p> + + <p class="i2">He give it quick sepulture,</p> + + <p>Still through reluctant passman's pores</p> + + <p class="i2">Instil the dew of culture.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still give us of the rills divine</p> + + <p class="i2">That flow from haunted Helicon,</p> + + <p>Nor rend thyself to feed the swine,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like a perverted Pelican.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Keep far the time when every bee</p> + + <p class="i2">That booms in every bonnet,</p> + + <p>Shall find a chair of Apiary,</p> + + <p class="i2">And drone long lectures on it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still the large light and sweetness seek</p> + + <p class="i2">Of KEATS'S raptured vision,</p> + + <p>(Or KEATE'S)—till Greek at last meets + Greek</p> + + <p class="i2">In brotherhood Elysian.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW TREASURE FOR. THE TREASURER OF + BARTHOLOMEW'S.—<i>Mr. Punch</i>, G.P.E., General + President of Everything, begs to congratulate Professor HUBERT + HERKOMER, R.A.M.A., on his admirable portrait of Sir SYDNEY + HEDLEY, and now, not only HEDLEY, but Full-Lengthly WATERLOW, + Bart., of "Bart's," which H.R.H. correctly described as "a very + fine work of Art, painted by one of our most eminent artists." + Such approbation of Sir HUBERT HERKOMER is praise indeed! + <i>Mr. Punch</i>, G.P.E., prefixes the "Sir" prophetically. For + the present it may be taken as the last syllable, detached, of + "Profes-sir"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"WELLS, I NEVER!"—"Mr. WELLS," says the <i>Times</i> + Correspondent, "has made 250,000 francs" (up to now), and "last + year he made £20,000." Talk of the waters at various + drinking or health-resorts abroad, why, their fame is as + nothing compared with the unprecedented success of the WELLS of + Monte Carlo. How the other chaps who lose must be like LEECH'S + old gent "a cussin' and a swearin' like hanythink." So the two + extremes at Monte Carlo may be expressed by the name of a + well-known shopkeeping London firm, <i>i.e.</i>, SWEARS AND + WELLS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" + id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/238.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/238.png" + alt="Mr. Punch at the Potteries." /></a> + + <h4>ON TOUR. MR. PUNCH AT THE POTTERIES.</h4> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" + id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span> + <hr /> + + <h3>NOTHING LIKE LABOR.</h3>(<i>A Pleasant Prospect suggested + by the evidence taken before the Royal Commission</i>.) + + <p>And so the Un-employed rose from the ditch in which he had + passed the night, and made for the town. It was early morning, + and he thought he could possibly get something to do at the + baker's.</p> + + <p>"Want to work?" cried the foreman. "Why, my good fellow, it + is all over for the next two days. The trade only allows four + hours, so we begin at eight on one night, and carry it on until + four on the following morning. People get their loaves a little + stale, but old bread is said to be good for the digestion!"</p> + + <p>So the Unemployed went on until he came to a half-built + house. The workmen had left, but there was still a watchman on + the premises.</p> + + <p>"Want to work! Why <i>what</i> are you thinking about! Why, + our trade only allows two hours a day, so we build a house by + laying foundation-stones. It is rather slow, but very + sure."</p> + + <p>So the starving man continued his journey. He was + unsuccessful at every trade centre. One industry allowed its + members to work only for three hours a day, another two, a + third four, and so on. There was only one exception to the + rule, and this (so the doctor thinks) was caused by necessity. + The undertakers were fully employed twelve hours out of the + twenty-four. Even the public-houses were closed at noon. The + workhouses and casual wards were never empty.</p> + + <p>But being of a sanguine temperament, the Unemployed cheered + his drooping spirits by murmuring, "Better luck to-morrow!" + Then he retired to his rather damp quarters in the country + ditch!</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Literary Intelligence.</h4> + + <p><i>Airy opening of article by</i> Mr. GINLEY SCORCHSAM, <i>a + rising young author</i>. "Asked by Editor of <i>Magazin des + Louvres</i> to let him have a paper on Art as Applied to + Drapery——"</p> + + <p><i>Note by the Agonised Editor</i> (<i>who has been + struggling with MS. for several hours</i>). "And he <i>did</i> + let me have it, with a vengeance!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/239a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/239a.png" + alt="A scene at the Lucullus." /></a> + + <h3>A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS."</h3> + + <p><i>Mrs. Blunderby</i>. "Now, MY DEAR MONTY, LET ME ORDER + THE LUNCHEON AR-LA-FRAINGSY. GASSONG! I WISH TO + BEGIN—AS WE ALWAYS DO IN PARIS, MY DEARS—WITH + SOME <i>CHEF-D'OEUVRES</i>—YOU UNDERSTAND—SOME + <i>CHEF-D'OEUVRES."</i></p> + + <p><i>Emile, the Waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him + however, presently that the Lady probably means "Hors + d'oeuvres," and acts accordingly</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>LIGHT CONDUCT IN HEAVENLY BODIES.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/239b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/239b.png" + alt="An Astronomer Loyal." /></a> + </div> + + <p>DEAR MR. EDITOR,</p> + + <p>What on earth, or rather what in the starry Heavens' name is + the meaning of this heading to a paragraph in the <i>Times</i> + of Tuesday, Nov. 3:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "APPARENT DUPLICITY OF JUPITER'S SATELLITE No. 1." + </blockquote> + + <p>Except that the stars are given to wink, I have never before + heard of the Heavenly Bodies being accused, of immorality. It + is true that the duplicity is said to be only "apparent" or + alleged, but this is doubtless due to the precaution of the + scientist to escape an action for libel. Flatterers have often + been accused of this vice, and Satellites are not much better. + A "Star" on the stage might perhaps thus acknowledge the + presence of a friend and admirer in the Stalls or in the + charmed Circle. But for a Heavenly Body to be guilty of + duplicity, and above all for a "Number One" Heavenly Body, is + too much. No more will the simple lines</p> + + <blockquote> + "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star!" + </blockquote> + + <p>be true. No; if "Jupiter's Satellite No. 1" takes to such + light conduct, then shall we, have to read</p> + + <blockquote> + "Wink, O wink, you little Star!" + </blockquote> + + <p>Henceforth let astronomers be very careful what observations + they make. To what a state of things are we coming, when at + night all the sublunary world is nodding, and the Stars above + are winking. If there's duplicity in a Satellite of Jupiter, + how about Jupiter itself? Can we henceforth put any trust in + the Planets? Are they in league with deceitful soothsayers, + astrologers, and fortune-tellers? I cannot further pursue the + painful subject. We owe a debt of gratitude to the <i>Times</i> + for exposing duplicity in the highest places. Imagine treachery + in Aurora Borealis! What an awful flirt she would be!! How + she'd "wink the other eye!"</p> + + <blockquote> + Yours,<br /> + AN ASTRONOMER LOYAL. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM MASHONALAND.—Inspired by the success of ARTHUR + B., of DE GORSTIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM, and of Sir KETTLE-DRUMMOND + WOLFF, our GRANDOLPH meditates a surprise return to his own + native land and to Parliamentary life. He announces his + intention of changing his name, and will call himself "Lord NIL + DESPERANDUM CHURCHILL." Hail to the modern Coeur-de-Lion!"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>FINAL.—The <i>Daily Chronicle</i> says it does not + regard Mr. GOSCHEN as one of the Puritans of finance. Well, no, + perhaps, GEORGE JOACHIM'S finance—like his + manner—is rather + <i>Cavalier</i>!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" + id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> + <hr /> + + <h3>ONLY FANCY!</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/240a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/240a.png" + alt="Farmer Atkinson" /></a> Farmer Atkinson. + </div> + + <p>MR. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., attending the American Methodist + Conference, has been supplying the United States with + interesting illustrations of House of Commons manners. + Incidentally he observed that Primitive Methodists, members of + which body were largely represented in his audience, are + "impostors." This led to some misunderstanding, and Mr. + FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., found it necessary to explain that he + had used the term "simply in a Parliamentary sense." We learn + by special Zadkiel telegram that, on emerging from the Hall + after the meeting, the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER (Omaha), bringing + down his clenched fist on the crown of the hat of Mr. + FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., altered its situation in a direction + that temporarily obscured the vision of the Hon. Member.</p> + + <p>"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., + struggling out of the wreck of his hat.</p> + + <p>"I mean it in a purely Pickwickian sense," said the Rev. + HERCULES EBENEZER (Omaha), with a seraphic smile that disarmed + controversy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The GERMAN EMPEROR has lately rearranged his scheme of work + for weekdays. From six A.M. to eight A.M. he gives lectures on + Strategy and Tactics to Generals over forty years old. From + eight to ten he instructs the chief actors, musicians and + painters of Berlin in the principles of their respective arts. + The hours from ten to twelve he devotes to the compilation of + his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A limited edition of + large-paper copies is to be issued. From twelve to four P.M. he + reviews regiments, cashiers colonels, captures fortresses, + carries his own dispatches to himself, and makes speeches of + varying length to all who will listen to him. Any professional + reporter found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's words is + immediately blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless + powder. From four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses + Ministers and officials, dictates state-papers to General + CAPRIVI, and composes his history of "How I pricked the + Bismarck Bubble." From eight to eleven P.M. His Majesty teaches + schoolmasters how to teach, wives how to attend to their + families, bankers how to carry on their business, and cooks how + to prepare dinners. The rest of the day he devotes to himself. + On Thursday next His Majesty leaves Berlin on his tenth visit + to the European Courts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the report that the Lord CHANCELLOR is + arranging a Christmas party, to which shall be invited all the + members and connections of his family for whom he has found + places during his term of office. It is well known that the + accommodation at Lord HALSBURY's town residence is + comparatively limited.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the + House of Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from + political life. His personal experience during the Cork + Election has convinced him that no man over 5 ft. 8 in. can + safely take part in active politics.</p> + + <p>"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew + harmless over the heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," + said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with the bandage over his left + eyebrow.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. + GUTTERIDGE was not present when the final result of the polling + in the Strand was made known, and that it was explained to the + reporter he had been "called out to see a patient." The + suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless contest was + designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only + of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no + patients to call him out—even from Church.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER + BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is about to retire from his supervision of + universal affairs exercised through the Special Paris Wire of a + contemporary. We are glad to learn that this intention does not + in any case imply absolute disappearance from the European + Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has + been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of + Bulgaria. His keen insight into European politics has convinced + him that this arrangement would afford a settlement of an + ever-ruffled question. He has, we understand, stipulated that + the Principality shall be raised to the status of a Kingdom. "I + have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who approached him + on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with + Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish + out of water."</p> + + <p>With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER + BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has recognised the inconvenience that would be + imposed on his subjects, if, in daily use, they were obliged to + refer to him by his full title. He will, therefore, deign to be + known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official + communications, as TROMP THE FIRST.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN + MORLEY, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and + asked him to name a friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman + "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and that the two seconds have + arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour doubtless arose + out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between the + two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the + <i>Times</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of + acceptance by the Prince of WALES, as President of + Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the portrait of Sir SYDNEY + WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a prominent + position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately + in front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some + misunderstanding, people, on entering, not at first knowing + which was the portrait, and which was Sir SYDNEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/240b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/240b.png" + alt="Paddy Rewski, the Pianist." /></a> + + <p>Paddy Rewski, the Pianist, makes his bow, and escapes to + America from an enthusiastic audience, who might have torn + him into musical pieces at St. James's Hall.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.</h4> + + <p><i>First Voice.</i> I hear that you wish to give your + evidence before this Commission?</p> + + <p><i>Second Voice.</i> Certainly, that is my desire. I am here + to speak in the name of my fellow-labourers, + and——</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in + favour of Trade Unions?</p> + + <p><i>Second V.</i> I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet + in mighty conflict, there is only——</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. And you + believe that strikes are beneficial?</p> + + <p><i>Second V.</i> I do consider them beneficial, most + beneficial. I feel that labour must have its rights, and that + the white dove of liberty has only to——</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in + favour of arbitration?</p> + + <p><i>Second V.</i> No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the + beggars, then the cry of labour rises on the stilly night, + and——</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask + to what trade you belong?</p> + + <p><i>Second V.</i> I belong to none. Every thinking and + right-minded man should care for his fellows as himself. Like + an eagle on a snow-capped mountain, he should——</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we + ask, if you belong to no trade, what is your occupation?</p> + + <p><i>Second V.</i> My occupation is to talk + to——</p> + + <p><i>First V.</i> Yes, thank you, that will do!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.—The + Novel that <i>Mr. Punch</i> so recently praised, entitled + <i>Tim</i>, is neither Irish nor political. Both sides can buy + and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of adapting + DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas + book, to be entitled <i>Tiny Tim.</i></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>OLD TIMES REVIVED.—The New Lord Mayor. Gracious + EVANS!! "And," asks a middle-aged Correspondent, "during this + Mayoralty will the Munching House be known as EVANS'S?"</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a> <b>Footnote 1</b>: + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>See Cartoon, "Every Inch a Sailor," p. 129, Vol. XI., + Sept. 26, 1846.</p><a id="footnote2" + name="footnote2"></a> <b>Footnote 2</b>: + <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a> + + <p>See Cartoon. "Suspense," p. 263, Vol. LXI., Dec. 23, + 1871.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="full" /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="margin-bottom:8em"> + <img src="images/pointer.png" + alt="pointer" /> + </div> + + <p style="text-indent:-1em"><b>NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</b></p><br clear="all" /> + + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14074 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14074-h/images/229.png b/14074-h/images/229.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9776679 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/229.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/230.png b/14074-h/images/230.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..36d5a4a --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/230.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/231a.png b/14074-h/images/231a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b5f37f --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/231a.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/231b.png b/14074-h/images/231b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..274b182 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/231b.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/232.png b/14074-h/images/232.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..118f451 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/232.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/233a.png b/14074-h/images/233a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..56ffc59 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/233a.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/233b.png b/14074-h/images/233b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a6ffc6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/233b.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/234.png b/14074-h/images/234.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..07f43ac --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/234.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/235.png b/14074-h/images/235.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9ce553 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/235.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/237a.png b/14074-h/images/237a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8459020 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/237a.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/237b.png b/14074-h/images/237b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e210d88 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/237b.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/238.png b/14074-h/images/238.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea0f502 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/238.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/239a.png b/14074-h/images/239a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..75eb80e --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/239a.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/239b.png b/14074-h/images/239b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..82d3c7b --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/239b.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/240a.png b/14074-h/images/240a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c43ac80 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/240a.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/240b.png b/14074-h/images/240b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..98183c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/240b.png diff --git a/14074-h/images/pointer.png b/14074-h/images/pointer.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6309484 --- /dev/null +++ b/14074-h/images/pointer.png |
