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diff --git a/old/14053-8.txt b/old/14053-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d02b7d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14053-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1771 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. +October 17, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. October 17, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2004 [EBook #14053] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +October 17, 1891. + + + + +THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST. + + SCENE--_The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine + constructed to reveal the character and future of a person + according to the colour of his or her hair, for the small + consideration of one penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are + examining it._ + +_First Pleasure-seeker_ (_a sprightly young lady of the name of +LOTTIE_). "Put in a penny and get a summary of your character from the +colour of your 'air." I wonder what they'll 'ave _next_! + +_Second Pl.-s._ (_her admirer, a porridge-faced young man with pink +eyelids and faming hair, addressed as 'ECTOR by his intimates_). Ah, +it's surprising how far they've got, it reelly is. And beginning with +butter-scotch, too! + +_Aunt Maria_. Come on, do--you don't want to waste no more time over +that rubbidge! + +_Fourth Pl.-s._ (_a lanky youth, with pale hair and a receding chin, +to his fiancée_). Hadn't we better be making a move if we're going to +'ear the band, CARRIE? + +_Carrie_. I shall move on when I _like_, without your leave, FREDDY; +so make no mistake. + +_Freddy_. Oh, _I_'m in no 'urry. I only thought your Aunt was +getting--but don't mind me. [CARRIE _does not mind him._ + +_Dolph_. (_the funny man of the party_). 'Old on a bit! I've got some +coppers. I'm going to sample this concern. I'll put in for all of +you--it's _my_ treat, this is. We'll begin with Aunt MARIA. What +colour do you call _your_ 'air now? I don't see any slot marked +"cawfy-colour." + +_Aunt Maria_. Never _you_ mind what colour my 'air is--it's a pity you +can't find a better use for your pennies. + +_Dolph_. (_inserting a penny in a slot marked "Light Brown"_). 'Ere +goes, the oracle's working. (_The machine emits a coloured card._) +Listen to what it says about Aunt MARIA. She is--"tender-'arted." Jest +what I've always said of her! "A little 'asty in her temper"--'ullo, +must be a 'itch in the machinery, _there_!--"neither obstinate nor +'aughty"--(_A snort from Aunt MARIA at this_)--"her inclination to +love never unreasonable." 'Ow _like_ her! "Frolicsome, inclined to +flirt and sometimes mischievous." You _giddy_ little thing! Up to +all your little tricks, this machine is! "Fertile in imagination, +domesticated, thoughtful and persevering"--There's Aunt MARIA for yer! + +_General Chorus_. Good old Aunt MARIA! + +_Dolph_. There's a prophecy on blue paper from _Napoleon's Book of +Fate_, gratis. (_Reads._) "Thy 'oroscope forewarns thee of a loss if +thou lendest thy money." Just when I was going to borrow arf-a-crown +off of her too! + +_Aunt Maria_. Ah, I didn't want no machine for _that_. 'Ow you can +patronise such rubbidge, _I_ don't know! Tellin' characters by the +colour of your 'air, indeed--it's told _mine_ all wrong, anyhow! + +_Dolph_. Well, you see, your 'air's so natural it would deceive _any_ +machine! [_Movement on part of Aunt MARIA._ + +_Lottie_. Put in for 'ECTOR next, DOLPH, do. I want to hear what it +says about him. + +_Dolph_. They don't keep _his_ colour in stock--afraid o' losing their +insurance policy. "Red or orbun's" the nearest they can get to +it. (_He puts in a penny in the "Red" slot._) Here's old 'ECTOR. +(_Reads._) "The Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless +disposition, constantly roving." Keep your eye on him, LOTTIE! +"Impatient and fiery in temper"--_'Old_ 'im, two of yer?--"but for all +that, is kind and loving." You _needn't_ 'old him--it's all right. "He +is passionately fond of the fair sex." What _all_ of 'em, 'ECTOR? +I'm ashamed of yer! "He is inclined to timidity"--Oo'd ha' thought +it?--"but by reflection may correct it and pass for a man of courage." +You start reflecting at _once_, old chap! + +_'Ector_ (_ominously, to LOTTIE_). If DOLPH don't mind what he's +about, he'll go too far some day! + + [_He breathes hard, then thinks better of it._ + +_Dolph_. Now it's CARRIE's turn. "Leave you out?" Couldn't think of +it. Brown 'air, CARRIE's is. (_He puts in a penny._) "A Lady with +'air of a medium brown colour, long and smooth"--_Is_ your 'air long +though, CARRIE? + +_Carrie_ (_with pride_). I should hope so--I can set on it. + +_Dolph_. That's nothing! So can Aunt MARIA set on _hers_! (_With a +glance at that Lady's very candid "front."_) _Can't_ you, Auntie, +eh? If you make a effort? + +_Aunt Maria_ (_with dignity_). I'll thank you to 'ave the goodness +to drop your sauce, Mr. ADOLPHUS GAGGS; it's out of place and not +appreciated, I can assure you! [_She walks away._ + +_Dolph_. (_surprised_). Why, there's Aunt MARIA got the 'ump--for a +little thing like _that_! Let me finish with CARRIE. (_Reads._) "She +is of an intellectual turn of mind." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from FREDDY._) +"Very fond of reading." Takes in _Sloper's 'Alf 'Oliday_ regular! +"Steadfast in her engagements." 'Ullo, CARRIE! + +_Carrie_ (_firing up_). Well, have you anything to say against that? +You'd better take care, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. I was only thinking. Sure you haven't been squaring this +machine? Ah, it tells you some 'ome truths here--"Although inquisitive +and fond of prying into the secrets of others--" Now however did it +know _that_? + +_Carrie_. It isn't there--you're making it up! + + [_She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it up._ + +_Dolph_. Temper--temper! Never mind. Now we'll try FREDDY. What's his +shade of 'air? I should say about the colour of spoilt 'ay, if I was +asked. + +_Carrie_ (_with temper_). You're _not_ asked, so you needn't give your +opinion! + +_Dolph_. Well, keep _your_ 'air on, my dear girl, and we'll call +FREDDY's "Fair." (_Reading card._) "A gentleman with this colour of +hair will be assiduous in his occupation--" + +_Carrie_ (_warmly_). What a shame! I'm _sure_ he isn't. _Are_ you, +FREDDY? [_FREDDY smiles vaguely._ + +_Dolph_. "Not given to rambling,"--Except in his 'ed,--"very moderate +in his amorous wishes, his mind much given to reflection, inclined to +be 'asty-tempered, and, when aroused,"--'Ere, somebody, rouse FREDDY, +quick!--"to use adjectives." Mustn't use 'em _'ere_, FREDDY! "But if +reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased." Pat his 'ed, CARRIE, will +yer? "Has plenty of bantering humour." (_Here FREDDY grins feebly._) +Don't he _look_ it too! "Should study his diet." That means his +grub, and he works 'ard enough at that! "He has a combination of good +commercial talents, which, if directed according to the reflection +of the sentiments, will make him tolerably well off in this world's +goods." + +_Carrie_ (_puzzled_). What's it torking about _now_? + +_Dolph_. Oh, it on'y means he's likely to do well in the cat's-meat +line. Now for your fortune, FREDDY. "It will be through marriage that +your future will be brightened." + +_Carrie_ (_pleased_). Lor, FREDDY, think o' that! + +_Dolph_. Think _twice_ of it, FREDDY, my boy. Now we'll be off and get +a drink. + +_Carrie_. Wait. We haven't got _your_ character yet, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. Oh, mine--they couldn't give that for a penny. Too good, yer +know! + +_Carrie_. If they haven't got it, it's more likely they're afraid it +would break the machine. I'm going to put in for you under "Black." +(_She does._) Here we are. (_Reads._) "The gentleman will be much +given to liquor." Found out first time, you see, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. (_annoyed_). Come, no personalities now. Drop all that! + +_Carrie_. "Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled temper; more +decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, and consequently +meets with many disappointments. Such gentlemen"--now you listen to +this, Mr. GAGGS!--"will now know their weaknesses, which should induce +them to take steps to improve themselves." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from the +rest of the party._) "Knowledge is power, and enables us to overcome +many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey to." This is your +fortune. "Thou art warned to be careful what thou drinkest!" Well, +they do seem to _know_ you, I must say! + +_Dolph_. (_in a white rage_). I tell you what it is, Miss CARRIE +BICKERTON, you appear to me to be turning a 'armless joke into a +mejium for making nasty spiteful insinuations, and I, for one, am not +going to put up with it, whatever others may! So, not being partial +to being turned into redicule and made to look a fool in company, I'll +leave you to spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish you +a very good-night! + + [_He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the party + stupefied._ + +_'Ector_. (_with mild regret_). It do seem a pity though, so pleasant +as we were together, till this come up! + +_Freddy_. And CARRIE's Aunt MARIA. gone off in a tantrum, too. We +shall have a job to find _'er_ now! + +_Lottie and Carrie_. Oh, _do_ hold your tongues, both of you. You and +your automatic machines! + +_'Ector and Freddy_. _Our_ automatic machines! Why, we never-- + +_Lottie and Carrie_. If you say one word more, either of you, we'll +go home! [_FREDDY and 'ECTOR follow them meekly in search of Aunt +MARIA as the Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +VOICES OF THE NIGHT. + +(_IN FLEET STREET._) + + Oh raucous street--"_Echo_," whose vile _vox clamantis_ + Is, like the Salvationist's shout, heard a mile hence, + I wish, _how_ I wish,--ah! yes, that what we want is!-- + Some Cockney Narcissus could charm you to silence. + Ah, me! no such luck; in the clear autumn twilight + Your shriek on my tympanum stridently jars. + "_Echo_" murders repose, mars the daffodil sky light; + And if one thing sounds worse 'tis "the Voice of the _Stars_"! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUST CAUGHT THE POST!] + +_Sir J-m-s F-rg-ss-n loquitur_:-- + + Just in time to catch the Post! + Pheugh! But the Pats would have "had me on toast" + (As 'ARRY would say in his odious slang), + If I had been but a little bit later. + Out o' breath as it is. Ah, hang + This hurrying business! My mouth's like a crater, + Dreadfully dry, and doosedly hot. + Rather a downer, this is, for SCOTT's lot! + Feared Mrs. Manchester _might_ just say + (In the popular patter of my young day) + "_It is all very well_ (with a wink and a jeer), + _But you_, Master FERGUSSON, _don't lodge here!_" + All right now, though! Saved my bacon. + My defeat might the Cause have shaken. + Just in time. There! Popped it in! + Awfully glad it conveys a Win; + Although One Fifty ain't _much_ to boast,-- + 'Twixt you and me and the (General) Post! + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM HENRY SMITH. + +BORN, JUNE 24, 1825. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1891. + + O'er-busy Death, your scythe of late seems reaping + Swiftly our heads of State; + The wise who hold our England's weal in keeping, + The gentle and the great. + + GRANVILLE is gone; and now another Warden + Falls with the fading leaf, + Leaving at Hatfield sorrow, and at Hawarden + Scarcely less earnest grief. + + All mourn the Man whose simple steadfast spirit + Made hearty friends of all. + Whilst manhood like to his her sons inherit + England need fear no fall. + + No high-perched, privileged and proud possessor + Of lineal vantage he; + Of perorating witchery no professor, + Or casuist subtlety. + + A capable, clear-headed, modest toiler, + Touched with no egoist taint, + To Duty sworn, the face of the Despoiler + Made him not fear or faint. + + O'erworn, o'erworked, with smiling face, though weary, + The tedious task he plied. + Sagacious, courteous, ever calm and cheery + Unsoured by spleen or pride. + + As unprovocative as unpretentious, + Skilful though seeming-slow; + Unmoved by impulse of conceit contentious + To risk success for show. + + O rare command of gifts, which, common-branded, + Are yet so strangely rare! + Selflessness patient, judgment even-handed + And spirit calmly fair! + + Lost to his friends their worth may now be measured + By the strong sense of loss. + How "OLD MORALITY's" memory will be treasured, + Midst faction's pitch-and-toss. + + But England which has instincts above Party + Most mourns the Man, now gone, + Who gave to Duty an allegiance hearty + As that of WELLINGTON. + + Sure "the gaunt figure of the old Field-Marshal"[1] + Would his successor praise; + As modest, as unselfish, as impartial, + Though fallen on calmer days. + + No glittering hero, but when England numbers + Patriots of worth and pith, + His name shall sound, who after suffering slumbers, + Plain WILLIAM HENRY SMITH! + +[Footnote 1: LONGFELLOW's "_The Warden of the Cinque Ports_."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS. + +"I WANT A NICE TIE, FOR A WEDDING. CAN YOU RECOMMEND ME ONE?" + +"CERTAINLY, SIR. A--ER--_PRINCIPAL_ GUEST, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +A ROMANCE IN NUMBERS. + +As we announced last week, the _Gentlewoman_ proposes for publication +"the most extraordinary novel of modern times"--a tale which is to be +written chapter by chapter, week after week, by well-known writers of +fiction, without consultation with their collaborateurs. We did the +same thing years ago. However, as the notion is still calculated +to amuse and instruct our readers, we subjoin a short story, which +has been written on the same terms by the entire strength of a +paper--political, sporting, and social. It will be found below. + +WHAT? WHO? AND WHICH? + +(_A JOINT STOCK MYSTERY._) + +_Political Writer commences_.--Yes, EUSTACE entered the House prepared +to vote for the Government. He knew that Lady FLORA had counted upon +his vote in support of her father, the Duke, and the other Members of +the Opposition. But when did love outweigh duty? EUSTACE knew that +the prosperity of the entire country depended upon his views. With +the price of corn falling, with the Russian Bear on the prowl, growing +nearer and nearer to our Afghan frontier, with the unsettled state of +the South American Republics, he knew that only one course was open to +him. + +"FLORA, darling," he said to the fair girl, as he paced by her side in +the Lobby, "believe me, I will do anything to help you; but what _can_ +I do?" + +_Sporting Writer continues_.--"What can you do?" she echoed, with a +hearty laugh, as she struck her riding-habit smartly with her whip; +"why, tell me the horse you fancy for the Cambridgeshire!" + +He thought for a moment. He knew the good points of _Bobby_, and was +rather partial to _Rosina_; but nothing wrong with _Snuffbox_, the +stable reports were favourable. Still, you can't always rely upon what +you see, much less what you hear. + +"Lady," said he, at length, "if you take my advice, you will back +nothing until they go to the post." + +_Continuation by French Correspondent_.--They had no further time for +parley, because the mail train left for Dover within the hour. So they +hurried to Victoria, and in less than eight hours were in the Capital +of the World. + +Ah, Paris, beautiful Paris! They enjoyed the balmy air as they drove +through the awaking streets to the Grand Hotel. As they entered the +courtyard they met the President. + +"Is it really true that the Germans refuse to take up the Russian +Loan?" asked EUSTACE of the First Frenchman in France. + +"I would not say this to anyone but yourself," replied M. CARNOT, +looking round to see that no one was listening; "but those who wait +longest will see best!" + +And with his finger to his mouth in token of discretion and silence, +he disappeared. EUSTACE and his fair companion hastened to the +telegraph office. + +_Scientific Writer takes it up_.--They were, of course, desirous of +transmitting their important despatch to head-quarters. + +"You want to know upon what system the telephone is worked?" queried +the operator, as he prepared a black-board, and took up a piece of +chalk. They bowed acquiescence. "You must know," said he, "that if we +represent the motive-power by _x_, we shall--." + +_Lady Correspondent turned on_.--Before he could complete his +sentence, Lady FLORA uttered a cry. + +"What a charming gown! Why, it is the prettiest I have seen in my +life!" and she gazed with increasing delight at the lady beneath on +the boulevard. Then she began to explain the costume to her two male +companions. She showed them that an under-skirt of snuff, with a waist +of orange-blue, both made of some soft fluffy material (which can be +obtained, by the way, at Messrs. SOWE AND SOWE), made an admirable +contrast. + +_Naval Correspondent puts finishing touch_.--[_Please end up +briskly_.--ED.].--And they left Paris, and embarking on H.M.S. +_Ramrod_, met a gale, and foundered. When they were picked up they +were both dead.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. IV.--TO POMPOSITY. + +YOUR EXCELLENCY, + +How difficult it is to succeed in giving pleasure. When I addressed +you recently, I honestly intended to gratify you by the adoption of +a tone of easy familiarity. Surely, I thought to myself, I cannot be +wrong if I address my friend POMPOSITY by his name, and speak to him +in a chatty rather than in an inflated style. If I chose the latter, +might he not think that I was poking fun at him by cheap parody, +and manifest his displeasure by bringing a host of BULMERS about my +ears? These considerations prevailed with me, and the result was the +letter you received. But, _O pectora cæca_! I have learnt from an +authoritative source that you are displeased. You resent, it seems, +what you are pleased to term my affectation of intimacy, and you beg +for a style of greater respect in any future communications. So be it. +I have pondered for hours, and have eventually come to the conclusion +that I shall best consult your wishes by addressing you in a manner +suited to diplomatic personages of importance. I have noticed that +in their official intercourse these gentlemen move on stilts of the +most rigid punctilio, and I have often pictured to myself the glow +of genuine pride which must suffuse the soul of an ambassador or a +foreign Minister when, for the first time, he finds himself styled an +Excellency. It may be of course that he knows himself to be anything +rather than excellent, but he will keep that knowledge to himself, +stowed away in some remote corner of his mind, and never on any +account allowed to interfere with his enjoyment of the ignorant and +empty compliments that others pay him. + +[Illustration] + +I wish to ask you a simple question. Why do you render those who spend +their lives in your service so extremely ridiculous? That may be just +the fashion of your humour; but is it fair to persist as you do? There +is, for instance, my old friend BENJAMIN CHUMP, little BEN CHUMP as +we used to call him in the irreverent days, before his face had turned +purple or his waistcoat had prevented him from catching stray glimpses +of his patent-leathered toes. Little BEN was not made for the country, +that was certain. A life of Clubs and dinner-parties would have suited +him to perfection. In his Club he could always pose before a select +and, it must be added, a dwindling circle as a man of influence. +"There is no Club, however watched and tended, but one dread bore +is there." BEN might have developed into a prime bore, but as he was +plentifully supplied with money and had a good cook and a pleasant +wife, he would always have managed to gather round him plenty of +guests who would have forgiven him his elaborate platitudes, for the +sake of his admirable made-dishes. Suddenly, however, he resolved to +become a country gentleman. As there is no law to prevent a CHUMP +from turning into a squire, BEN had not to wait very long before he +was able to put his fatal resolve into execution. He purchased an +Elizabethan mansion, and descended with all his airs and belongings +upon the unhappy country-side which he had decided to make the scene +of his rural education. Before that I used to see him constantly. +After that I quite lost sight of him. Occasionally I read paragraphs +in weekly papers about immense festivities due to the enterprise of +the CHUMPS, and from time to time I received local papers containing +long accounts of hunt breakfasts, athletic sports, the roasting of +whole oxen, and other such stirring country incidents in which it +appeared that the CHUMPS took a prominent part. I will do BEN the +credit to say that he never omitted to mark with broad red pencil +those parts which referred specially to himself, or reported any +speech he may have happened to make. + +Eventually that which I dreaded came about. Circumstances made it +impossible for me to refuse an invitation to Carchester Manor, and +on a certain evening in the first week of December I found myself a +guest under the roof of the CHUMPS. The entertainment provided was, I +am bound to say, magnificent. Every want that the most exacting guest +could feel was supplied almost before he had expressed it, and all +that gorgeous rooms, stately retainers and irreproachable cooking +could do to secure our comfort was done at Carchester Manor. But CHUMP +himself was on that first evening the grandest spectacle of all. He +overpowered me. Like some huge Spanish galleon making her way with +bellying sails and majestic progress amidst a fleet of cockle-shells, +so did CHUMP bear himself amidst his party. The neighbouring magnates +came to meet us. Lord and Lady AGINCOURT with their charming daughter +Lady MABEL POICTIERS, Sir GEORGE BUCKWHEAT and his wife, the Reverend +Canon and Mrs. CATSPAW, and a host of others were there to do CHUMP +honour. I thought of POLYCRATES and his ring and of other well-known +examples. Something I knew must happen to disturb this edifice of +pompous grandeur. The something was not long in coming, for just after +CHUMP had expatiated at immense length upon the vintages of France, +after he had offered to stock the failing cellars of Lord AGINCOURT +from his own, after the butler had, with due parade, placed two corks +at his master's side in token of the treat that was to follow, it was +discovered by little BILLY SILTZER, an impudent dog without veneration +or reticence, that _both_ the bottles of _Pontet Canet_ were +disgustingly corked. To my relief, but to CHUMP's discomfiture, BILLY +announced his discovery. "BEN, my boy," he shouted across the table, +"the moths have been at this tap of wine. I'm afraid his Lordship +won't care to take it off your hands." BEN became blue with suppressed +fury. The trembling butler obeyed his angry summons. "Take that stuff +away," said BEN, "and drink it yourself. Bring fresh wine at once." +But, alas, for wasted indignation, no more _Pontet Canet_ was +forthcoming, and we had to satisfy ourselves on a wine whose +inferiority no flourish of trumpets could disguise. + +Now there is nothing in the accident of a corked bottle that ought +to crush a man. I have seen a host rise serenely after such an +occurrence, and nobody dreamt of imputing it to him for wickedness. +But the contrast between the magniloquence of poor BEN and the deadly +failure of his wine, was too great. Even Lady MABEL, a kind girl +without affectations, could not forbear a smile when the incident was +narrated to her in the drawing-room, and some of the other guests, +whose names I charitably refrain from mentioning, seemed quite radiant +with pleasure at the misfortune of their host. CHUMP, however, was not +long in recovering, and before many hours had passed, he was assuring +us in the smoking-room, that he proposed to establish sport in his +particular district on a broad and enduring basis. On the following +morning there was a lawn-meet at the Manor, and, as I'm a living +sinner, our wretched host was flung flat on his back before the eyes +of all the neighbouring sportsmen and sportswomen by a fiery chestnut +which he bought for £400 from a well-known dealer. What became of him +during the rest of the day I know not. Indeed I shrink from continuing +the story of his ridiculous humiliations, and I merely desire to +remark that if this be your Excellency's manner of rewarding those +who serve you, I pray that I may be for ever preserved from your +patronage. + +So much, then, for BENJAMIN. In spite of everything I have a sort of +sneaking regard for the poor man, especially since I discovered that +he was not a free agent, but was inspired in word and action by your +blatant influence. Were it not that I feared to weary you, I might +proceed at much greater length. I might parade before you regiment +upon regiment of pompous local magnates and political nobodies all +drilled and disciplined by your offensive methods, and all of them +as absurd and preposterous as they can be made. But the spectacle +would only move you to derision. One point, however, I must insist +on. Whatever you do, don't throw JOSHUA POSER across my path again. +I might do him an injury. We were at College together, he being my +senior by a year. Even then he always assumed a condescension towards +me, an air as of one who temporarily stepped down from a pedestal to +mingle with common grovellers. He became a personage in the City, +a Chairman and a Director of Companies, and I lost sight of him. +Yesterday I met him, and he was good enough to address me. "Yes, +yes," he observed, "I remember you well. I have read some of your +contributions to periodical literature, and I can honestly say I +was pleased; yes, I was pleased. Of course the work is unequal, +and I marked one or two passages that might have been omitted with +advantage. For instance, the discussion between the vicar and the +family doctor is not quite in the most refined taste, but there is +distinct promise even in that. By the way, why don't you write in _The +New Congeries_? Your style would suit it. I always take that paper in, +and I find it very much appreciated in the pantry. The butler reads +it, when we have done with it, and passes it on to the footman. It +keeps them out of mischief. Now take my advice, and contribute to +that." I humbly murmured my thanks to this intolerable person, and +left him. As I turned away I half thought I heard the sound of your +Excellency's bellows in the neighbourhood of POSER. Was I wrong? + + I remain (merely in an epistolary sense), + Your Excellency's humble servant, + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE TITLE FOR MR. ANDREW LANG.--The Folk-Loreate. + + * * * * * + +"AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM!" + +(_A PENDANT TO MR. WILLIAM WATSON'S "THE KEY-BOARD."_) + + Five-and-thirty black slaves, + Half-a-hundred white. + All their duty but to make + Shindy day and night, + Now with throats of thunder, + Now with clattering lips, + While she thumps them cruelly + With stretched finger-tips. + + When she quits the chamber + All the slaves are dumb, + Dumb with rapture, till the Minx + Back shall come to strum, + Dumb the throats of thunder, + Hushed chromatic skips, + Lacking all the torturing + Of strained finger-tips. + + Dusky slaves and pallid, + Ebon slaves and white, + When Minx mounts her music-stool + Neighbours fly with fright. + Ah, the bass's thunder! + Oh, the treble's trips! + Eugh, the horrid tyrannies + Of corned finger-tips! + + Silent, silent, silent, + All your janglings now; + Notes false-chorded, slithering slaps, + Pedal-aided row! + Where is Minx, we wonder? + Ah! those scrambling skips! + Back she's come to torture us + With her finger-tips! + + * * * * * + +CHARLEMAGNE AND I. + +_Aix-la-Chapelle, Monday_.--CHARLEMAGNE was doubtless well advised +in selecting this town for his residence. However that be, it is not +a matter for us to dogmatise about. I have heard a lamented friend, +suddenly and all too soon lost, say there are few things more +regrettable than the tendency of the present age to review the actions +of great men, not lost but gone before, and to pass judgment upon them +without having enjoyed the opportunity of hearing what they might have +to say in justification or palliation of the proceedings challenged. + +That is true and tersely put. Still I may observe that if C. lived +at this period and had his choice, say between Aix-la-Chapelle and +Homburg or Aix-les-Bains, it is doubtful whether he would have +built his cathedral here. Unlike the two latter watering-places, +Aix-la-Chapelle has other fish to boil besides the invalids who come +hither attracted by the fame of its hot springs. It is a manufacturing +town, and has all the characteristics of one. At Homburg or +Aix-les-Bains you walk up a street, turn a corner and find yourself +among pine-trees, or in a smiling valley with a blue lake blinking +at the sun. Here the baths are in the centre of the town, and, like +a certain starling, you feel you "can't get out." + +But invalids musn't be choosers, and if RUSTEM ROOSE sends you +to Aix-la-Chapelle--he's always sending somebody somewhere--to +la-Chapelle you must carry your Aix, in the hope that you may leave +them there. + +"I wonder," said the Member for SARK, who as usual is grumbling round, +"if the local female population was less unlovely in CHARLEMAGNE's +time? Probably, since he married with a frequency not excelled by our +HENRY VIII. But what was HILDEGARDE like--HILDEGARDE, his favourite +spouse? If she in any way resembled the women who throng the streets +of Aix-la-Chapelle to-day, C.'s lot was not a happy one. Never in any +city, in either hemisphere, have I suffered such a nightmare of ugly +ill-dressed women as is here found." + +That is a most unfair and unjustifiable remark to make. Brimstone +evidently does not agree with SARK who is more disagreeable than ever. +The only thing that has touched his stony nature since he came to Aix +is the unselfish devotion of the local aristocracy to the interests +of the town. Visitors mustering in the Elisengarten for their +morning cups, notice the group of musicians in the orchestra by the +entrance-gate. Every man wears a top-hat, the only head-gear of the +kind seen in Aix. SARK, attracted by this peculiarity, made inquiries, +and learned from an intelligent native that these are nobles in +disguise, who, desirous of contributing to the common weal, turn out +at seven every morning to play the band. They are willing to sink all +social distinctions, save that they _will_ wear the cylindrical hat of +civilisation. Not comfortable, especially in wet weather; but it adds +an air of distinction to the group. + +"Very nice of them," SARK grudgingly admits; "but"--he must have +the compensation of a sneer--"imagine our House of Lords forming +themselves into groups to play the band in Palace Yard, with HALSBURY +wielding the mace by way of _bâton_! They'd never do it, TOBY, even in +top-hats. Germany's miles ahead of us in this matter." + +Sorry to find Squire of MALWOOD, who spent a morning here on his way +to Wiesbaden, agreeing in SARK's view of the standard of female beauty +at Aix. + +"Strange," he mused, "that Nature never makes an ugly flower or tree +or blade of grass; and yet, when it comes to men and women, behold!" +and he swept a massive arm round the blighted scene in the crowded +Kaiserplatz. + +A small boy who thought the beneficent stranger in blue serge was +chucking pfennings about the Square, careered wildly round in search +of the treasure. We walked on without undeceiving him. To quote again +from an old friend: "There is nothing more conducive to the production +and maintenance of a healthy mind in a sound body than enterprise and +industry, even when, owing to misapprehension or miscalculation, their +exercise leads to no immediate reward." + +It had been quite a surprise one morning to find the SQUIRE striding +into the coffee-room at "Nuellens." + +"Thought you were down at Malwood," I said, "looking after your flocks +and herds, your brocoli and your spring onions." + +[Illustration: + + Ask why was made the gem so small + And why so huge the granite? + Because 'twas meant that men should set + The larger value on it. +] + +"So I had hoped to be," he said, as we strolled up and down under the +trees in the Elisengarten. "But the fact is, TOBY, dear boy, I could +not stand the weather. I am of a sensitive nature, and it cut me to +the heart to see cold winds nipping the fruit and trees, the flood of +rain beating down the corn, the oats, and the mangel-wurzel. People +make a mistake about me. They regard me as an ambitious politician, +caring for nothing but the House of Commons and the world of +politics. At heart I am an agriculturist. Give me three acres and +a cow--anybody's, I don't care--and I will settle down in peace and +quietness, remote from political strife, never turning an ear to +listen to the roll of battle at Westminster. I am often distraught +between the attractions of interludes in the lives of CINCINNATUS +and of WILLIAM OF ORANGE's great Minister. Of the two I think I am +more drawn towards the rose-garden at Sheen than by CINCINNATUS's +unploughed land. Before I die I should like to create a new rose and +call it 'The Grand Old Man.'" + +Quite a revelation this of the true inwardness of the SQUIRE. Would +astonish some people in London, I fancy, if ever I were to mention +this conversation. But, to quote once more from a revered authority: +"We all live a dual life, and are not actually that which, upon +cursory regard, the passer-by believes us to be. Every gentleman, in +whatever part of the House he may sit, has a skeleton in the cupboard +of his valet." + +The SQUIRE stayed here only a morning, passing on to other scenes. +I watched his departure with mingled feelings; sorrow at losing a +delightful companion, and apprehension of what might happen if he +were to remain here to go through the full cure. The place is, as SARK +says, the most brimstony on the same level. You breathe brimstone, +drink it, bathe in it, and take it in at the pores. At the end +of three weeks or a month you are dangerously saturated with the +chemical. An ordinary lucifer match is nothing to a full-bodied +patient at the end of three weeks treatment at Aix-la-Chapelle. If the +SQUIRE had stayed on, I should never have seen his towering frame pass +underneath a doorway without my heart leaping to my mouth. Some day he +would have accidentally struck his head against the lintel and would +have ignited as sure as a gun. + +If CHARLEMAGNE were now alive, I feel certain from what I know of him, +he would have exhausted the resources of civilisation in search of a +preventive of this ever-present and dangerous risk. Under CAROLO MAGNO +the patient might have gone about the streets of Aix-la-Chapelle with +sweet carelessness, knowing that, however much brimstone he carried, +he would strike only on the box. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD. + +"AND HOW DID YOU LIKE SWITZERLAND?" + +"OH, IMMENSELY! IT WAS OUR FIRST VISIT, YOU KNOW!" + +"AND DID YOU GO ON INTO ITALY?" + +"WELL, NO. WE FOUND A HOTEL AT LAUSANNE WHERE THERE WAS A FIRST-RATE +TENNIS-LAWN, YOU KNOW--QUITE AS GOOD AS OURS AT HOME. SO WE SPENT THE +WHOLE OF OUR HOLIDAY THERE, AND PLAYED LAWN-TENNIS ALL DAY LONG!"] + + * * * * * + +FAMILY TIES. + + ["The journal (the _Grashdanin_) is of opinion that in making + common cause with the other European Powers against China, + Russia would but serve the ends of ... England to the + prejudice of her own interests, which demand that she + should not jeopardise the security of her Asiatic shores, or + contribute to the complete ascendancy of Great Britain in + the Pacific Ocean, by arousing the antagonism of + China."--_Times_.] + +_Muscovite loquitur_:-- + + "Won't you help me bind the Dragon?" says the Briton to the Russ. + Oho! ingenuous JOHNNY! I'm opposed to needless fuss, + And have other fish to fry--say near the Oxus! Not a hang + Do I care for what may happen on the great Yang-tse-Kiang. + + I approve Non-intervention. 'Tis your favourite doctrine, JOHN, + And you stick to it _so_ closely, and that's just why you get on. + If you think that Dragon's dangerous--I hold 'tis but his play!-- + There's but one thing you've got to do--clear out of the brute's way. + + I am sure he doesn't want you where you've stayed a deal too long; + He wishes you would up and go to--well _not_ to Hong-Kong, + But the natural home of all such "Foreign Devils," in _his_ view. + Why, he's none too sweet on Me, JOHN; is it likely he'd like _you_? + + _Grattez le Russe--et cetera_. You are mighty fond, J.B., + Of quoting that stale epigram. You fancy it riles me. + Not a bit of it, my Briton; Tartars have a thickish skin, + And your foe and I are neighbours, nay a distant sort of kin. + + The Mantchus and the Romanoffs are not exactly chums, + And a Tartar insurrection, when that little trouble comes, + As it may do if you press too much at Pekin, well, who knows? + There is always something pleasing in the quarrels of one's foes. + + The Mantchus miss a many of once subject Tartar tribes + Who have--gravitated Russwards. Little call for blows or bribes + To make blood-relations mingle. On the Mantchus this may jar, + But we've not forgotten Kuldja, and we recollect Kashgar. + + Wheels within wheels, dear JOHNNY! As to missionaries, well, + They are troublesome--and useful; but to put things all pell-mell + On account of priests and parsons, and of quite an alien creed, + That's scarce "diplomatic," JOHNNY; it is not, dear boy, indeed. + + A new Tamerlane, my JOHNNY, who could stir the Tartar hordes + To--say "Asiatic Concert,"--well, you know that thought affords + To your talky "Only General" a quite sensational theme. + But prophecy's not "business," JOHN, and CÆSAR should not dream. + + Oh! the world is full of Bogies. _I_'m the biggest of them all + In the minds of many croakers who ne'er saw the Chinese Wall, + But are frightened at the spreading of my kindred--on the map; + For I'm semi-Asiatic, and half Tartar, dear old chap. + + Now put this and that together, think of Pamir, Turkestan, + Of Persia, of the Dardanelles!--I think you'll see, old man, + That though this ramping Dragon _you_ may wish to tie and tame, + A Benevolent Neutrality is rather more _my_ game. + + * * * * * + +A PLAYGOER'S "LAST WORD." + +(_AN ECHO FROM THE PIT._) + + The Season is--_has_ been for some time--silly, + And lengthy correspondences are rife. + We have, alas! to read them willy-nilly; + They take a deal of pleasure out of life. + To flee such evils here's an easy way-- + Let morning dailies idly rant or vapour, + At the Lyceum go and see the play, + The programme there's the finest DALY paper.[2] + +[Footnote 2: A Correspondent, signing himself "A Knight of the Free +Lists," suggests that free admissions to the Lyceum should be known, +during the American Company's season, as "The Best Daly 'Paper.'"] + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A DEPRESSED TEETOTALLER.--"Whine and Water." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAMILY TIES. + +JOHN BULL. "AIN'T YOU GOING TO LEND A HAND?" + +RUSSIA. "WELL, I DON'T KNOW;--YOU SEE HE'S A SORT OF RELATION OF +MINE!!"] + + * * * * * + +TIPPLING SALLY. + +_A SONG OF SORROW ON ZOO SUNDAY._ + + [SALLY, the Chimpanzee (late of the Zoo), is stated to have + "drunk beer daily."] + + Of all the monkeys at the Zoo + There's none like Tippling SALLY. + She was the first who quenched her thirst + Quite al-co-hol-i-cally. + A draught of beer made her not queer, + But seemed her strength to rally. + MORTIMER GRANVILLE well might cheer + Three cheers for Tippling SALLY. + + Of all the days within the week + I chiefly favoured one day, + That was the day when children seek + The rapture called "Zoo Sunday." + For then full drest all in my best + I'd go and visit SALLY, + And see her soothe her hairy breast + So al-co-hol-i-cally! + + But now no more poor SALLY's tricks + With glee fill girl or boy full; + No mug of beer her soul can cheer, + Nor glass of O-be-joyful! + We yet may see some Chimpanzee + With Drink's temptations dally, + To WILFRID's woe; but no, ah! no! + It won't be Tippling SALLY! + + * * * * * + +AN ESSAY IN REVIEWING. + +We are obliged to "Beginner" for the proffered contribution to our +collection of Book Reviews. That is, however, a department of the +paper our noble friend the BARON DE BOOK-WORMS reserves for his own +pen. But as _Mr. Punch_ has never been known to discourage beginners, +he finds room here for the interesting contribution, which perhaps +should more appropriately have been addressed to his _confrère_ at the +office of the _Athenæum_:-- + +[Illustration] + +_Don Quixote_. By MIGUEL CERVANTES. We have conscientiously plodded +through this voluminous work, which is certainly not entirely without +merit. It purports to recount the daily doings of a resident in a +village of La Mancha (Spain) who, accompanied by a clownish retainer, +went forth in search of adventures. He was not very happy, his day's +sport being invariably rounded oft by a sound drubbing, received +either by himself, his Squire, or both. We wish Lord MACAULAY had +lived to see the publication of this work, and had with fuller leisure +relieved us of the task of reviewing it. Remembering his method of +procedure as illustrated in his article on Dr. NARE's _Memoirs of Lord +Burleigh_, he would doubtless by careful enumeration have been able to +show that from first to last _Don Quixote_ had more ribs broken than +any man has actually possessed since ADAM was privy to a diminution of +their original number. He seems also to have had a perpetual renewal +of teeth, keeping pace with their frequent removal by brute force. As +for the number of legs and arms he had fractured, MACAULAY's Schoolboy +would have shrunk from the task of computing their aggregate. + +These are blemishes upon a work that is, at least, well intentioned, +and which might have been more successful had our author been inclined +to give his hero credit for more acumen. When he represents _Don +Quixote_ as running tilt at windmills under the impression that they +are armed knights, and when he pictures him charging a flock of sheep +in the belief that it is an ordered army, we think he too grossly +trifles with the assumed credulity of his readers. Exaggeration +is, indeed, the bane of a work that, from first page to last, bears +evidence of the drawback of extreme youth on the part of the author. +We have been pleased to notice some indications of humour in the +conversation of _Sancho Panza_. But it is the pennyworth of sack to +an intolerably large quantity of bread. What we have written has been +without desire to discourage Mr. CERVANTES, whom we shall be glad to +meet with again, bringing with him the fruits of unremitted practice +and of maturer views of life. + + * * * * * + +TO ARAMINTA. + +(_AFTER HEARING MR. SAMSON'S LECTURE._) + + ["To keep the family true, refined, affectionate, faithful, + is the woman's task--a task that needs the entire energies and + life of woman; and to mix up this sacred duty with the grosser + occupation of politics and trade, is to unfit her for it + as much as if a priest were to embark in the business of + money-lender."--FREDERIC HARRISON.] + +[Illustration] + + I Prithee, ARAMINTA, hear + What FREDERIC HARRISON has said: + Don't read for College honours, dear, + And put a towel round your head. + Don't sully what should surely be + An unstained soul, with tricks of trade; + Leave stern official work to me, + While you remain a simple maid. + + Don't prate of woman's function, sweet, + Your only duty is to charm; + Leave platform spouting, as is meet, + To men; it cannot do them harm. + Your influence comes from gracious ways, + Your glory in the home doth lie; + The guardian angel of our days, + Until you bless us when we die. + + Don't enter on ignoble strife + With man, 'tis yours to soar above-- + To all the higher things of life, + Divine compassion, and pure love. + 'Tis yours to stimulate, refine, + To win men by a kindly heart; + Not grovel with us where the sign + Of Mammon hangs above the mart. + + Thine is the task to reign supreme + Within the sacred sphere of home; + To make our life one happy dream, + Thine own as spotless as the foam. + To trade, to toil, to head the feast, + To seek the politician's gain, + Were hateful:--ay, as though the priest + Took usury, within the fane! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS owns to being easily affected by a pathetic +episode. He well remembers how years ago in the course of a +discussion among literary men about books and their writers, the Baron +acknowledged that in spite of his having been told how the pathos of +DICKENS was all a trick, and how the sentiment of that great novelist +was for the most part false, he still felt a choking sensation in his +throat and a natural inclination to blow his nose strenuously whenever +he re-read the death of _Little Paul_, the death of _Dora_, and some +passages about _Tiny Tim_. There was no dissentient voice as to +the death of _Colonel Newcome_; all admitted the recurrence of that +peculiar choking sensation, read they their THACKERAY never so often. +Now the Baron differs from _Josh Sedley_ in, as he thinks, many +respects, but he is almost as "easily moved to tears" as was that +stout hero. Wherefore this preface? Well, 'tis because the Baron owns +to having "snivelled," if you will, when reading a delightful story, +published by MACMILLAN in one volume ("bless all good stories in _one_ +vol., clearly printed!" says the Baron, parenthetically), entitled +simply, _Tim_. No relation to _Tiny Tim_ already mentioned; quite +another child. The Baron strongly recommends _this_ story, and +especially to Etonians past and present, as giving a life-like picture +which the latter will recognise, of the career at that great public +school of a fragile little chap entirely unfitted by nature for the +rough and tumble of such a life. The considerate tutor, too, is no +effort of imagination; he exists; and, perhaps, such an one may have +always existed since the division between Collegers and Oppidans +first began. The Baron in his own time, nigh forty years ago, knew +an exceptional species of this rare genus; but there are plenty of +witnesses to the truth of the Etonian portion of _Tim_. "_Tolle, +lege_!" quoth the Baron, and be not ashamed if in reading the latter +portion of the story you have to search for your pocket-handkerchief, +and, glancing furtively around, murmur to yourself, "But soft! I am +observed!" Then when unobserved, "_wipe_ the other eye!" and thank the +unknown author of _Tim_; at the same time not forgetting your guide, +philosopher, and friend, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DESIGN FOR THE POSTER FOR THE NEXT GERMAN EXHIBITION IN +LONDON.] + + * * * * * + +A FALLEN LEADER. + +CHARLES STEWART PARNELL. + +BORN, JUNE 27TH, 1846. DIED, OCTOBER 6TH, 1891. + + "The falcon-crest and plumage gone, + Can that be haughty MARMION?" + +_Sir Walter Scott_. + + Fallen! And not as leaders love to fall, + In battle's forefront, loved and mourned by all; + But fiercely fighting, as for his own hand, + With the scant remnant of a broken band; + His chieftainship, well-earned in many a fray, + Rent from him--by himself! + None did betray + This sinister strong fighter to his foes; + He fell by his own action, as he rose. + He had fought all--himself he could not fight, + Nor rise to the clear air of patient right. + Somewhere his strenuous soul unsoundly rang, + When closely tested. Let the laurels hang + About his tomb, for, with whatever fault, + He led with valour cool a fierce assault + Upon a frowning fortress, densely manned + With strong outnumbering enemies. He planned + Far-seen campaigns apparently forlorn; + He fronted headlong hate and scourging scorn, + Impassively persistent. But the task + Of coldly keeping up the Stoic mask + O'ertaxed him at the last; it fell, and lo! + Another face was bared to friend and foe. + Scarce to his foes will generous judgment lean-- + Foes mean as merciless, and false as mean, + Their poisoned pens, which even softening Death, + Which hate should hush and stifle slander's breath, + May not deprive of venom, prodding still + The unresponsive corse they helped to kill, + Is an ignoble sight. Turn, turn away! + Mean hates pursue the MARMION of our day, + A nobler foe, like DOUGLAS, well may rue + His fall, and sigh, "'Tis pity of him, too!" + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE MOMENT. + +(_BY A MILITANT RADICAL CANDIDATE._) + + Ah! I must trounce the Tory foe, + And love my Toiling neighbour. + The cry with which to fight I go + Is "Labour and _Be_labour!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 2. + +WHEN THE ROAD-CAR STOPS SUDDENLY JUST AS HE IS CAUTIOUSLY DESCENDING +THE STAIRCASE!] + + * * * * * + +THE G.P. AND THE G.P.O. + +(_A DIALOGUE STRICTLY ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT._) + +_General Public_. I am sorry to say the condition of the Postal +Service is really extremely defective. The delay in the delivery of +letters is most annoying. Frequently a note which should be received +in the evening is not obtained until the following morning--proof of +this being given by the post-marks. + +[Illustration] + +_General Post Office_. Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ You are most kind. Next, a telegram despatched from one part +of London to another part, sometimes takes eight hours, and the reason +given is that the counter-clerk has a discretionary power to retain +telegrams until he has what he considers a sufficient supply for the +messenger to take out for delivery. This naturally causes much delay +and consequent inconvenience. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ You are too good. Next, the carelessness at Branch Offices +is extremely irritating. For instance, it is often the case that the +words of telegrams have been altered and changed during transmission. +It is unnecessary to point out that such mistakes are liable to create +annoyance, not to say disaster. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Very many thanks. Then, at offices where females are engaged, +rudeness is very common. Would-be purchasers of postage-stamps are +frequently kept waiting while the clerks chatter to one another about +matters entirely unconnected with the Department. And this habit is +gaining ground in those offices in which male labour is only employed, +especially in the immediate neighbourhood of St. Martin's-le-Grand +itself. It is useless to call attention to this practice, as a simple +denial from an official implicated is accepted by the authorities as +proof (almost) positive of his or her innocence. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Again, thanks for your courtesy. But about these and many other +grievances, the same stereotyped answer has invariably been received. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Exactly! That is the very answer. And it is felt that no other +outcome will result from agitation. It seems utterly impossible to +make the officials in charge realise their responsibility to the +taxpayers. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Of course; the same parrot-cry! And it may be for years, and +it be for ever, before reform is introduced. The probability is, that +the present unsatisfactory condition of affairs may exist at St. +Martin's-le-Grand until the hour of doom. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + + * * * * * + +REFLECTION BY A GENERAL READER. + + I have been reading books wherein 'tis shown + (In diction autocratic, sour, un-civil), + That nothing can be absolutely known, + Save that the Universe is wholly evil! + And even this poor result is only plain + To Genius--which, of course, is quite a rarity. + _I_ should have thought this would have given it pain, + And moved it to both modesty and charity; + But what surprises _me_ (--ZOILUS, to mock sure, + Will whip me with sham-epigrams would-be witty,--) + Is that Agnostics seem so awfully pure, + And Pessimists so destitute of pity. + + * * * * * + +ANNALS OF A WATERING-PLACE + +THAT HAS "SEEN ITS DAY." + +[Illustration] + +The weather which, in Mr. DUNSTABLE's varied experience of +five-and-twenty years, he assures me, has never been so bad, +having at length afforded some indications of "breaking" I make +the acquaintance, through Mrs. COBBLER, of Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, the +Proprietor of the one Bath-chair available for the invalid of +Torsington-on-Sea, who, like myself, stands in need of the salubrious +air of that health-giving resort, but who is ordered by his medical +adviser to secure it with the least possible expenditure of physical +strength. + +[Illustration: A Mess Dinner.] + +Both Mr. WISTERWHISTLE and his chair are peculiar in their respective +ways, and each has a decided history. Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, growing +confidential over his antecedents, says, "You see, Sir, I wasn't +brought up to the Bath-chair business, so to speak, for I began in the +Royal Navy, under His Majesty King WILLIAM THE FOURTH. Then I took to +the Coast-Guard business, and having put by a matter of thirty pound +odd, and hearing 'she' was in the market,"--Mr. WISTERWHISTLE always +referred to his Bath-chair as "she," evidently regarding it from the +nautical stand-point as of the feminine gender,--"and knowing, saving +your presence, Sir, that old BLOXER, of whom I bought her, had such +a good crop of cripples the last season or two, that he often touched +two-and-forty shillings a-week with 'em, I dropped Her Majesty's +Service, and took to this 'ere. But, Lor, Sir, the business ain't wot +it wos. Things is changed woeful at Torsington since I took her up. +Then from 9 o'clock, as you might say, to 6 P.M., every hour was +took up; and, mind you, by real downright 'aristocracy,'--real live +noble-men, with gout on 'em, as thought nothink of a two hours' +stretch, and didn't 'aggle, savin' your presence, over a extra +sixpence for the job either way. But, bless you, wot's it come to now? +Why, she might as well lay up in a dry dock arf the week, for wot's +come of the downright genuine invalid, savin' your presence, blow'd +if I knows. One can see, of course, Sir, in arf a jiffy, as you +is touched in the legs with the rheumatics, or summat like it; but +besides you and a old gent on crutches from Portland Buildings, there +ain't no real invalid public 'ere at all, and one can't expect to +make a livin' out of you two; for if you mean to do the thing ever +so 'ansome, it ain't reasonable to expect you and the old gent I was +a referring to, to stand seven hours a day goin' up and down the +Esplanade between you, and you see even that at a bob an hour ain't +no great shakes when you come to pay for 'ousing her and keepin' her +lookin' spic and span, with all her brass knobs a shining and her +leather apron fresh polished with patent carriage blackin': and Lor, +Sir, you'd not b'lieve me if I was to tell you what a deal of show +some parties expects for their one bob an hour. Why, it was only the +other day that Lady GLUMPLEY (a old party with a front of black curls +and yaller bows in her bonnet, as I dare say you've noticed me a +haulin' up and down the Parade when the band's a playin'), says to +me, says she, 'It ain't so much the easy goin' of your chair, Mr. +WISTERWHISTLE, as makes me patronise it, as its general genteel +appearance. For there's many a chair at Brighton that can't hold a +candle to it!'" But at this point he was interrupted by the appearance +of a dense crowd that half filled the street, and drew up in silent +expectation opposite my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten +I had sent for him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has +returned, and brought with him _the One Policeman_! + + * * * * * + +THE BOY THE FATHER OF THE MAN. + +(_A CHAPTER FROM A SEA STORY OF THE FUTURE._) + +"Lash the lubber to the top-gallant yard and give him five hundred +with the cat o' ninetails!" shouted the pirate Captain, blue with +passion. + +There was a murmur amongst his crew. Because their messmate had +forgotten to touch his cap, it seemed hard to their poor untutored +minds he should receive so heavy a punishment. + +"What, mutiny!" cried the ruffian skipper, "here take this and this +and this!" and he distributed the contents of his revolver amongst the +sailors aft. + +In the meanwhile, the poor wretch was hanging to the topgallant yard, +expecting every moment to be his last. + +"A sail, Sir," said the boatswain, saluting, as he mounted to the +quarter-deck. + +"Get ready the torpedoes, and serve out per man a hundredweight of +smokeless powder cartridges. We shall have rough work." Then he added, +"By the way, what is the time?" + +"About half-past two, Sir," returned the other, and then, as his +Captain made an unsuccessful grab, he muttered, "No you don't!" + +The ship in pursuit came on apace, and soon the two vessels were +yard-arm to yard-arm engaged in mortal combat. For a while the +confusion was so great that it was impossible to say what would be the +upshot. But a fortunate torpedo sent the pirate craft to the bottom, +and of all her crew, only the skipper survived. He was brought (loaded +with chains) before his conqueror. + +"Well, you scoundrel," said the British Captain, "have you anything to +urge in your defence before we prepare you for your execution?" + +"What would be the good?" was the sulky reply. "I know my fate." + +"That voice, those husky tones," exclaimed the epauletted +representative of the English Admiralty; "surely I know them. They +bring back painful recollections. Show your face, Sirrah!" + +"Why should I?" queried the conquered Chief. "It won't do me any +good!" + +But at a gesture of the British Captain, his prisoner was seized, and +his face forcibly washed. + +"What, BILLY TOMPKINS!" murmured the Briton, "and we meet again like +this!" + +"Yes," answered the other, "and it can't be helped. You have your duty +to perform, and so have I. Do your worst!" + +"But, BILLY, you were not always like this!" + +"No, JACK, I was not. Once I used to prattle at my mother's knee. I +was beloved by my brothers and sisters, and I was the pride of the +nursery!" + +And then the strong man broke down, and wept bitterly. + +"But have you not fallen very low?" asked the British Captain, gently. + +"Indeed I have! I am a thief, a liar, a scoundrel--and, in fact, a +blackguard!" + +"With such surroundings," returned the Officer R.N., pointing to +the _debris_ of the pirate craft, "it is difficult to dispute your +contention. Indeed, you are a blackguard! But to what cause do you +owe your fall?" + +"To my early training." + +"I do not comprehend you. Your early training! Where were you +trained?" + +"In the _Britannia_!" + +And then the British Captain completely understood the situation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY. + +(_At the close of the German Exhibition._) + +_West Kensington Cuirassier_. "NOW OI WONDER WHAT KOIND OF AN 'ERO +OI'LL 'AVE TO BE NEXT YEAR?"] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. October 17, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2004 [EBook #14053] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 17, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" + id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span> + + <h2>THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The German Exhibition, near an ingenious + machine constructed to reveal the character and future of a + person according to the colour of his or her hair, for the + small consideration of one penny. A party of + Pleasure-seekers are examining it.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Pleasure-seeker</i> (<i>a sprightly young lady of + the name of</i> LOTTIE). "Put in a penny and get a summary of + your character from the colour of your 'air." I wonder what + they'll 'ave <i>next</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Second Pl.-s.</i> (<i>her admirer, a porridge-faced young + man with pink eyelids and faming hair, addressed as</i> 'ECTOR + <i>by his intimates</i>). Ah, it's surprising how far they've + got, it reelly is. And beginning with butter-scotch, too!</p> + + <p><i>Aunt Maria</i>. Come on, do—you don't want to waste + no more time over that rubbidge!</p> + + <p><i>Fourth Pl.-s.</i> (<i>a lanky youth, with pale hair and a + receding chin, to his fiancée</i>). Hadn't we better be making + a move if we're going to 'ear the band, CARRIE?</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i>. I shall move on when I <i>like</i>, without + your leave, FREDDY; so make no mistake.</p> + + <p><i>Freddy</i>. Oh, <i>I</i>'m in no 'urry. I only thought + your Aunt was getting—but don't mind me. [CARRIE <i>does + not mind him.</i></p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. (<i>the funny man of the party</i>). 'Old on a + bit! I've got some coppers. I'm going to sample this concern. + I'll put in for all of you—it's <i>my</i> treat, this is. + We'll begin with Aunt MARIA. What colour do you call + <i>your</i> 'air now? I don't see any slot marked + "cawfy-colour."</p> + + <p><i>Aunt Maria</i>. Never <i>you</i> mind what colour my 'air + is—it's a pity you can't find a better use for your + pennies.</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. (<i>inserting a penny in a slot marked "Light + Brown"</i>). 'Ere goes, the oracle's working. (<i>The machine + emits a coloured card</i>.) Listen to what it says about Aunt + MARIA. She is—"tender-'arted." Jest what I've always said + of her! "A little 'asty in her temper"—'ullo, must be a + 'itch in the machinery, <i>there</i>!—"neither obstinate + nor 'aughty"—(<i>A snort from</i> Aunt MARIA <i>at + this</i>)—"her inclination to love never unreasonable." + 'Ow <i>like</i> her! "Frolicsome, inclined to flirt and + sometimes mischievous." You <i>giddy</i> little thing! Up to + all your little tricks, this machine is! "Fertile in + imagination, domesticated, thoughtful and + persevering"—There's Aunt MARIA for yer!</p> + + <p><i>General Chorus</i>. Good old Aunt MARIA!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. There's a prophecy on blue paper from + <i>Napoleon's Book of Fate</i>, gratis. (<i>Reads.</i>) "Thy + 'oroscope forewarns thee of a loss if thou lendest thy money." + Just when I was going to borrow arf-a-crown off of her too!</p> + + <p><i>Aunt Maria</i>. Ah, I didn't want no machine for + <i>that</i>. 'Ow you can patronise such rubbidge, <i>I</i> + don't know! Tellin' characters by the colour of your 'air, + indeed—it's told <i>mine</i> all wrong, anyhow!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. Well, you see, your 'air's so natural it would + deceive <i>any</i> machine! [<i>Movement on part of</i> Aunt + MARIA.</p> + + <p><i>Lottie</i>. Put in for 'ECTOR next, DOLPH, do. I want to + hear what it says about him.</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. They don't keep <i>his</i> colour in + stock—afraid o' losing their insurance policy. "Red or + orbun's" the nearest they can get to it. (<i>He puts in a penny + in the "Red" slot.</i>) Here's old 'ECTOR. (<i>Reads.</i>) "The + Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless disposition, + constantly roving." Keep your eye on him, LOTTIE! "Impatient + and fiery in temper"—<i>'Old</i> 'im, two of + yer?—"but for all that, is kind and loving." You + <i>needn't</i> 'old him—it's all right. "He is + passionately fond of the fair sex." What <i>all</i> of 'em, + 'ECTOR? I'm ashamed of yer! "He is inclined to + timidity"—Oo'd ha' thought it?—"but by reflection + may correct it and pass for a man of courage." You start + reflecting at <i>once</i>, old chap!</p> + + <p><i>'Ector</i> (<i>ominously, to</i> LOTTIE). If DOLPH don't + mind what he's about, he'll go too far some day!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He breathes hard, then thinks better of it.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. Now it's CARRIE's turn. "Leave you out?" + Couldn't think of it. Brown 'air, CARRIE's is. (<i>He puts in a + penny.</i>) "A Lady with 'air of a medium brown colour, long + and smooth"—<i>Is</i> your 'air long though, CARRIE?</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i> (<i>with pride</i>). I should hope so—I + can set on it.</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. That's nothing! So can Aunt MARIA set on + <i>hers</i>! (<i>With a glance at that Lady's very candid + "front."</i>) <i>Can't</i> you, Auntie, eh? If you make a + effort?</p> + + <p><i>Aunt Maria</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). I'll thank you to + 'ave the goodness to drop your sauce, Mr. ADOLPHUS GAGGS; it's + out of place and not appreciated, I can assure you! [<i>She + walks away.</i></p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. (<i>surprised</i>). Why, there's Aunt MARIA + got the 'ump—for a little thing like <i>that</i>! Let me + finish with CARRIE. (<i>Reads.</i>) "She is of an intellectual + turn of mind." (<i>"'Ear, 'ear!" from</i> FREDDY.) "Very fond + of reading." Takes in <i>Sloper's 'Alf 'Oliday</i> regular! + "Steadfast in her engagements." 'Ullo, CARRIE!</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i> (<i>firing up</i>). Well, have you anything to + say against that? You'd better take care, Mr. GAGGS!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. I was only thinking. Sure you haven't been + squaring this machine? Ah, it tells you some 'ome truths + here—"Although inquisitive and fond of prying into the + secrets of others—" Now however did it know + <i>that</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i>. It isn't there—you're making it up!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it + up.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. Temper—temper! Never mind. Now we'll try + FREDDY. What's his shade of 'air? I should say about the colour + of spoilt 'ay, if I was asked.</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i> (<i>with temper</i>). You're <i>not</i> asked, + so you needn't give your opinion!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. Well, keep <i>your</i> 'air on, my dear girl, + and we'll call FREDDY's "Fair." (<i>Reading card.</i>) "A + gentleman with this colour of hair will be assiduous in his + occupation—"</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i> (<i>warmly</i>). What a shame! I'm <i>sure</i> + he isn't. <i>Are</i> you, FREDDY? [FREDDY <i>smiles + vaguely.</i></p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. "Not given to rambling,"—Except in his + 'ed,—"very moderate in his amorous wishes, his mind much + given to reflection, inclined to be 'asty-tempered, and, when + aroused,"—'Ere, somebody, rouse FREDDY, quick!—"to + use adjectives." Mustn't use 'em <i>'ere</i>, FREDDY! "But if + reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased." Pat his 'ed, CARRIE, + will yer? "Has plenty of bantering humour." (<i>Here</i> FREDDY + <i>grins feebly.</i>) Don't he <i>look</i> it too! "Should + study his diet." That means his grub, and he works 'ard enough + at that! "He has a combination of good commercial talents, + which, if directed according to the reflection of the + sentiments, will make him tolerably well off in this world's + goods."</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i> (<i>puzzled</i>). What's it torking about + <i>now</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. Oh, it on'y means he's likely to do well in + the cat's-meat line. Now for your fortune, FREDDY. "It will be + through marriage that your future will be brightened."</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i> (<i>pleased</i>). Lor, FREDDY, think o' + that!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. Think <i>twice</i> of it, FREDDY, my boy. Now + we'll be off and get a drink.</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i>. Wait. We haven't got <i>your</i> character + yet, Mr. GAGGS!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. Oh, mine—they couldn't give that for a + penny. Too good, yer know!</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i>. If they haven't got it, it's more likely + they're afraid it would break the machine. I'm going to put in + for you under "Black." (<i>She does.</i>) Here we are. + (<i>Reads.</i>) "The gentleman will be much given to liquor." + Found out first time, you see, Mr. GAGGS!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. (<i>annoyed</i>). Come, no personalities now. + Drop all that!</p> + + <p><i>Carrie</i>. "Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled + temper; more decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, + and consequently meets with many disappointments. Such + gentlemen"—now you listen to this, Mr. GAGGS!—"will + now know their weaknesses, which should induce them to take + steps to improve themselves." (<i>"'Ear, 'ear!" from the rest + of the party.</i>) "Knowledge is power, and enables us to + overcome many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey + to." This is your fortune. "Thou art warned to be careful what + thou drinkest!" Well, they do seem to <i>know</i> you, I must + say!</p> + + <p><i>Dolph</i>. (<i>in a white rage</i>). I tell you what it + is, Miss CARRIE BICKERTON, you appear to me to be turning a + 'armless joke into a mejium for making nasty spiteful + insinuations, and I, for one, am not going to put up with it, + whatever others may! So, not being partial to being turned into + redicule and made to look a fool in company, I'll leave you to + spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish you a + very good-night!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the + party stupefied.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>'Ector</i>. (<i>with mild regret</i>). It do seem a pity + though, so pleasant as we were together, till this come up!</p> + + <p><i>Freddy</i>. And CARRIE's Aunt MARIA. gone off in a + tantrum, too. We shall have a job to find <i>'er</i> now!</p> + + <p><i>Lottie and Carrie</i>. Oh, <i>do</i> hold your tongues, + both of you. You and your automatic machines!</p> + + <p><i>'Ector and Freddy</i>. <i>Our</i> automatic machines! + Why, we never—</p> + + <p><i>Lottie and Carrie</i>. If you say one word more, either + of you, we'll go home! [FREDDY <i>and</i> 'ECTOR <i>follow them + meekly in search of</i> Aunt MARIA <i>as the Scene closes + in.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>VOICES OF THE NIGHT.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>In Fleet Street.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh raucous street—"<i>Echo</i>," whose vile + <i>vox clamantis</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Is, like the Salvationist's shout, heard + a mile hence,</p> + + <p>I wish, <i>how</i> I wish,—ah! yes, that what + we want is!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Some Cockney Narcissus could charm you to + silence.</p> + + <p>Ah, me! no such luck; in the clear autumn + twilight</p> + + <p class="i2">Your shriek on my tympanum stridently + jars.</p> + + <p>"<i>Echo</i>" murders repose, mars the daffodil sky + light;</p> + + <p class="i2">And if one thing sounds worse 'tis "the + Voice of the <i>Stars</i>"!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" + id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>JUST CAUGHT THE + POST!</h3><a href="images/182.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/182.png" + alt="JUST CAUGHT THE POST!" /></a> + + <p><i>Sir J-m-s F-rg-ss-n loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Just in time to catch the Post!</p> + + <p>Pheugh! But the Pats would have "had me on + toast"</p> + + <p>(As 'ARRY would say in his odious slang),</p> + + <p class="i2">If I had been but a little bit + later.</p> + + <p>Out o' breath as it is. Ah, hang</p> + + <p>This hurrying business! My mouth's like a + crater,</p> + + <p>Dreadfully dry, and doosedly hot.</p> + + <p>Rather a downer, this is, for SCOTT's lot!</p> + + <p>Feared Mrs. Manchester <i>might</i> just say</p> + + <p>(In the popular patter of my young day)</p> + + <p>"<i>It is all very well</i> (with a wink and a + jeer),</p> + + <p><i>But you</i>, Master FERGUSSON, <i>don't lodge + here!</i>"</p> + + <p class="i4">All right now, though! Saved my + bacon.</p> + + <p class="i4">My defeat might the Cause have + shaken.</p> + + <p>Just in time. There! Popped it in!</p> + + <p>Awfully glad it conveys a Win;</p> + + <p>Although One Fifty ain't <i>much</i> to + boast,—</p> + + <p>'Twixt you and me and the (General) Post!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" + id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span> + + <h2>William Henry Smith.</h2> + + <h4>BORN, JUNE 24, 1825. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O'er-busy Death, your scythe of late seems + reaping</p> + + <p class="i2">Swiftly our heads of State;</p> + + <p>The wise who hold our England's weal in keeping,</p> + + <p class="i2">The gentle and the great.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GRANVILLE is gone; and now another Warden</p> + + <p class="i2">Falls with the fading leaf,</p> + + <p>Leaving at Hatfield sorrow, and at Hawarden</p> + + <p class="i2">Scarcely less earnest grief.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All mourn the Man whose simple steadfast spirit</p> + + <p class="i2">Made hearty friends of all.</p> + + <p>Whilst manhood like to his her sons inherit</p> + + <p class="i2">England need fear no fall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No high-perched, privileged and proud possessor</p> + + <p class="i2">Of lineal vantage he;</p> + + <p>Of perorating witchery no professor,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or casuist subtlety.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A capable, clear-headed, modest toiler,</p> + + <p class="i2">Touched with no egoist taint,</p> + + <p>To Duty sworn, the face of the Despoiler</p> + + <p class="i2">Made him not fear or faint.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O'erworn, o'erworked, with smiling face, though + weary,</p> + + <p class="i2">The tedious task he plied.</p> + + <p>Sagacious, courteous, ever calm and cheery</p> + + <p class="i2">Unsoured by spleen or pride.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As unprovocative as unpretentious,</p> + + <p class="i2">Skilful though seeming-slow;</p> + + <p>Unmoved by impulse of conceit contentious</p> + + <p class="i2">To risk success for show.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O rare command of gifts, which, common-branded,</p> + + <p class="i2">Are yet so strangely rare!</p> + + <p>Selflessness patient, judgment even-handed</p> + + <p class="i2">And spirit calmly fair!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lost to his friends their worth may now be + measured</p> + + <p class="i2">By the strong sense of loss.</p> + + <p>How "OLD MORALITY's" memory will be treasured,</p> + + <p class="i2">Midst faction's pitch-and-toss.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But England which has instincts above Party</p> + + <p class="i2">Most mourns the Man, now gone,</p> + + <p>Who gave to Duty an allegiance hearty</p> + + <p class="i2">As that of WELLINGTON.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sure "the gaunt figure of the old + Field-Marshal"<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p class="i2">Would his successor praise;</p> + + <p>As modest, as unselfish, as impartial,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though fallen on calmer days.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No glittering hero, but when England numbers</p> + + <p class="i2">Patriots of worth and pith,</p> + + <p>His name shall sound, who after suffering + slumbers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Plain WILLIAM HENRY SMITH!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>LONGFELLOW's "<i>The Warden of the Cinque + Ports</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/183.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/183.png" + alt="THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS." /></a> + + <h3>THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.</h3>"I WANT A NICE TIE, + FOR A WEDDING. CAN YOU RECOMMEND ME ONE?"<br /> + "CERTAINLY, SIR. A—ER—<i>PRINCIPAL</i> GUEST, + SIR?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A ROMANCE IN NUMBERS.</h2> + + <p>As we announced last week, the <i>Gentlewoman</i> proposes + for publication "the most extraordinary novel of modern + times"—a tale which is to be written chapter by chapter, + week after week, by well-known writers of fiction, without + consultation with their collaborateurs. We did the same thing + years ago. However, as the notion is still calculated to amuse + and instruct our readers, we subjoin a short story, which has + been written on the same terms by the entire strength of a + paper—political, sporting, and social. It will be found + below.</p> + + <h3>WHAT? WHO? AND WHICH?</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Joint Stock Mystery.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Political Writer commences</i>.—Yes, EUSTACE + entered the House prepared to vote for the Government. He knew + that Lady FLORA had counted upon his vote in support of her + father, the Duke, and the other Members of the Opposition. But + when did love outweigh duty? EUSTACE knew that the prosperity + of the entire country depended upon his views. With the price + of corn falling, with the Russian Bear on the prowl, growing + nearer and nearer to our Afghan frontier, with the unsettled + state of the South American Republics, he knew that only one + course was open to him.</p> + + <p>"FLORA, darling," he said to the fair girl, as he paced by + her side in the Lobby, "believe me, I will do anything to help + you; but what <i>can</i> I do?"</p> + + <p><i>Sporting Writer continues</i>.—"What can you do?" + she echoed, with a hearty laugh, as she struck her riding-habit + smartly with her whip; "why, tell me the horse you fancy for + the Cambridgeshire!"</p> + + <p>He thought for a moment. He knew the good points of + <i>Bobby</i>, and was rather partial to <i>Rosina</i>; but + nothing wrong with <i>Snuffbox</i>, the stable reports were + favourable. Still, you can't always rely upon what you see, + much less what you hear.</p> + + <p>"Lady," said he, at length, "if you take my advice, you will + back nothing until they go to the post."</p> + + <p><i>Continuation by French Correspondent</i>.—They had + no further time for parley, because the mail train left for + Dover within the hour. So they hurried to Victoria, and in less + than eight hours were in the Capital of the World.</p> + + <p>Ah, Paris, beautiful Paris! They enjoyed the balmy air as + they drove through the awaking streets to the Grand Hotel. As + they entered the courtyard they met the President.</p> + + <p>"Is it really true that the Germans refuse to take up the + Russian Loan?" asked EUSTACE of the First Frenchman in + France.</p> + + <p>"I would not say this to anyone but yourself," replied M. + CARNOT, looking round to see that no one was listening; "but + those who wait longest will see best!"</p> + + <p>And with his finger to his mouth in token of discretion and + silence, he disappeared. EUSTACE and his fair companion + hastened to the telegraph office.</p> + + <p><i>Scientific Writer takes it up</i>.—They were, of + course, desirous of transmitting their important despatch to + head-quarters.</p> + + <p>"You want to know upon what system the telephone is worked?" + queried the operator, as he prepared a black-board, and took up + a piece of chalk. They bowed acquiescence. "You must know," + said he, "that if we represent the motive-power by <i>x</i>, we + shall—."</p> + + <p><i>Lady Correspondent turned on</i>.—Before he could + complete his sentence, Lady FLORA uttered a cry.</p> + + <p>"What a charming gown! Why, it is the prettiest I have seen + in my life!" and she gazed with increasing delight at the lady + beneath on the boulevard. Then she began to explain the costume + to her two male companions. She showed them that an under-skirt + of snuff, with a waist of orange-blue, both made of some soft + fluffy material (which can be obtained, by the way, at Messrs. + SOWE AND SOWE), made an admirable contrast.</p> + + <p><i>Naval Correspondent puts finishing + touch</i>.—[<i>Please end up + briskly</i>.—ED.].—And they left Paris, and + embarking on H.M.S. <i>Ramrod</i>, met a gale, and foundered. + When they were picked up they were both dead.—[THE + END.]</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" + id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h4>No. IV.—TO POMPOSITY.</h4> + + <p>YOUR EXCELLENCY,</p> + + <p>How difficult it is to succeed in giving pleasure. When I + addressed you recently, I honestly intended to gratify you by + the adoption of a tone of easy familiarity. Surely, I thought + to myself, I cannot be wrong if I address my friend POMPOSITY + by his name, and speak to him in a chatty rather than in an + inflated style. If I chose the latter, might he not think that + I was poking fun at him by cheap parody, and manifest his + displeasure by bringing a host of BULMERS about my ears? These + considerations prevailed with me, and the result was the letter + you received. But, <i>O pectora cæca</i>! I have learnt from an + authoritative source that you are displeased. You resent, it + seems, what you are pleased to term my affectation of intimacy, + and you beg for a style of greater respect in any future + communications. So be it. I have pondered for hours, and have + eventually come to the conclusion that I shall best consult + your wishes by addressing you in a manner suited to diplomatic + personages of importance. I have noticed that in their official + intercourse these gentlemen move on stilts of the most rigid + punctilio, and I have often pictured to myself the glow of + genuine pride which must suffuse the soul of an ambassador or a + foreign Minister when, for the first time, he finds himself + styled an Excellency. It may be of course that he knows himself + to be anything rather than excellent, but he will keep that + knowledge to himself, stowed away in some remote corner of his + mind, and never on any account allowed to interfere with his + enjoyment of the ignorant and empty compliments that others pay + him.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/184.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/184.png" + alt="Benjamin Chump." /></a> + </div> + + <p>I wish to ask you a simple question. Why do you render those + who spend their lives in your service so extremely ridiculous? + That may be just the fashion of your humour; but is it fair to + persist as you do? There is, for instance, my old friend + BENJAMIN CHUMP, little BEN CHUMP as we used to call him in the + irreverent days, before his face had turned purple or his + waistcoat had prevented him from catching stray glimpses of his + patent-leathered toes. Little BEN was not made for the country, + that was certain. A life of Clubs and dinner-parties would have + suited him to perfection. In his Club he could always pose + before a select and, it must be added, a dwindling circle as a + man of influence. "There is no Club, however watched and + tended, but one dread bore is there." BEN might have developed + into a prime bore, but as he was plentifully supplied with + money and had a good cook and a pleasant wife, he would always + have managed to gather round him plenty of guests who would + have forgiven him his elaborate platitudes, for the sake of his + admirable made-dishes. Suddenly, however, he resolved to become + a country gentleman. As there is no law to prevent a CHUMP from + turning into a squire, BEN had not to wait very long before he + was able to put his fatal resolve into execution. He purchased + an Elizabethan mansion, and descended with all his airs and + belongings upon the unhappy country-side which he had decided + to make the scene of his rural education. Before that I used to + see him constantly. After that I quite lost sight of him. + Occasionally I read paragraphs in weekly papers about immense + festivities due to the enterprise of the CHUMPS, and from time + to time I received local papers containing long accounts of + hunt breakfasts, athletic sports, the roasting of whole oxen, + and other such stirring country incidents in which it appeared + that the CHUMPS took a prominent part. I will do BEN the credit + to say that he never omitted to mark with broad red pencil + those parts which referred specially to himself, or reported + any speech he may have happened to make.</p> + + <p>Eventually that which I dreaded came about. Circumstances + made it impossible for me to refuse an invitation to Carchester + Manor, and on a certain evening in the first week of December I + found myself a guest under the roof of the CHUMPS. The + entertainment provided was, I am bound to say, magnificent. + Every want that the most exacting guest could feel was supplied + almost before he had expressed it, and all that gorgeous rooms, + stately retainers and irreproachable cooking could do to secure + our comfort was done at Carchester Manor. But CHUMP himself was + on that first evening the grandest spectacle of all. He + overpowered me. Like some huge Spanish galleon making her way + with bellying sails and majestic progress amidst a fleet of + cockle-shells, so did CHUMP bear himself amidst his party. The + neighbouring magnates came to meet us. Lord and Lady AGINCOURT + with their charming daughter Lady MABEL POICTIERS, Sir GEORGE + BUCKWHEAT and his wife, the Reverend Canon and Mrs. CATSPAW, + and a host of others were there to do CHUMP honour. I thought + of POLYCRATES and his ring and of other well-known examples. + Something I knew must happen to disturb this edifice of pompous + grandeur. The something was not long in coming, for just after + CHUMP had expatiated at immense length upon the vintages of + France, after he had offered to stock the failing cellars of + Lord AGINCOURT from his own, after the butler had, with due + parade, placed two corks at his master's side in token of the + treat that was to follow, it was discovered by little BILLY + SILTZER, an impudent dog without veneration or reticence, that + <i>both</i> the bottles of <i>Pontet Canet</i> were + disgustingly corked. To my relief, but to CHUMP's discomfiture, + BILLY announced his discovery. "BEN, my boy," he shouted across + the table, "the moths have been at this tap of wine. I'm afraid + his Lordship won't care to take it off your hands." BEN became + blue with suppressed fury. The trembling butler obeyed his + angry summons. "Take that stuff away," said BEN, "and drink it + yourself. Bring fresh wine at once." But, alas, for wasted + indignation, no more <i>Pontet Canet</i> was forthcoming, and + we had to satisfy ourselves on a wine whose inferiority no + flourish of trumpets could disguise.</p> + + <p>Now there is nothing in the accident of a corked bottle that + ought to crush a man. I have seen a host rise serenely after + such an occurrence, and nobody dreamt of imputing it to him for + wickedness. But the contrast between the magniloquence of poor + BEN and the deadly failure of his wine, was too great. Even + Lady MABEL, a kind girl without affectations, could not forbear + a smile when the incident was narrated to her in the + drawing-room, and some of the other guests, whose names I + charitably refrain from mentioning, seemed quite radiant with + pleasure at the misfortune of their host. CHUMP, however, was + not long in recovering, and before many hours had passed, he + was assuring us in the smoking-room, that he proposed to + establish sport in his particular district on a broad and + enduring basis. On the following morning there was a lawn-meet + at the Manor, and, as I'm a living sinner, our wretched host + was flung flat on his back before the eyes of all the + neighbouring sportsmen and sportswomen by a fiery chestnut + which he bought for £400 from a well-known dealer. What became + of him during the rest of the day I know not. Indeed I shrink + from continuing the story of his ridiculous humiliations, and I + merely desire to remark that if this be your Excellency's + manner of rewarding those who serve you, I pray that I may be + for ever preserved from your patronage.</p> + + <p>So much, then, for BENJAMIN. In spite of everything I have a + sort of sneaking regard for the poor man, especially since I + discovered that he was not a free agent, but was inspired in + word and action by your blatant influence. Were it not that I + feared to weary you, I might proceed at much greater length. I + might parade before you regiment upon regiment of pompous local + magnates and political nobodies all drilled and disciplined by + your offensive methods, and all of them as absurd and + preposterous as they can be made. But the spectacle would only + move you to derision. One point, however, I must insist on. + Whatever you do, don't throw JOSHUA POSER across my path again. + I might do him an injury. We were at College together, he being + my senior by a year. Even then he always assumed a + condescension towards me, an air as of one who temporarily + stepped down from a pedestal to mingle with common grovellers. + He became a personage in the City, a Chairman and a Director of + Companies, and I lost sight of him. Yesterday I met him, and he + was good enough to address me. "Yes, yes," he observed, "I + remember you well. I have read some of your contributions to + periodical literature, and I can honestly say I was pleased; + yes, I was pleased. Of course the work is unequal, and I marked + one or two passages that might have been omitted with + advantage. For instance, the discussion between the vicar and + the family doctor is not quite in the most refined taste, but + there is distinct promise even in that. By the way, why don't + you write in <i>The New Congeries</i>? Your style would suit + it. I always take that paper in, and I find it very much + appreciated in the pantry. The butler reads it, when we have + done with it, and passes it on to the footman. It keeps them + out of mischief. Now take my advice, and contribute to that." I + humbly murmured my thanks to this intolerable person, and left + him. As I turned away I half thought I heard the sound of your + Excellency's bellows in the neighbourhood of POSER. Was I + wrong?</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remain (merely in an epistolary sense),</p> + + <p class="i2">Your Excellency's humble servant,</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>APPROPRIATE TITLE FOR MR. ANDREW LANG.—The + Folk-Loreate.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page185" + id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span> + + <h3>"AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM!"</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Pendant to Mr. William Watson's "The + Key-Board."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Five-and-thirty black slaves,</p> + + <p class="i2">Half-a-hundred white.</p> + + <p>All their duty but to make</p> + + <p class="i2">Shindy day and night,</p> + + <p>Now with throats of thunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now with clattering lips,</p> + + <p>While she thumps them cruelly</p> + + <p class="i2">With stretched finger-tips.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When she quits the chamber</p> + + <p class="i2">All the slaves are dumb,</p> + + <p>Dumb with rapture, till the Minx</p> + + <p class="i2">Back shall come to strum,</p> + + <p>Dumb the throats of thunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hushed chromatic skips,</p> + + <p>Lacking all the torturing</p> + + <p class="i2">Of strained finger-tips.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dusky slaves and pallid,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ebon slaves and white,</p> + + <p>When Minx mounts her music-stool</p> + + <p class="i2">Neighbours fly with fright.</p> + + <p>Ah, the bass's thunder!</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, the treble's trips!</p> + + <p>Eugh, the horrid tyrannies</p> + + <p class="i2">Of corned finger-tips!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Silent, silent, silent,</p> + + <p class="i2">All your janglings now;</p> + + <p>Notes false-chorded, slithering slaps,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pedal-aided row!</p> + + <p>Where is Minx, we wonder?</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah! those scrambling skips!</p> + + <p>Back she's come to torture us</p> + + <p class="i2">With her finger-tips!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHARLEMAGNE AND I.</h2> + + <p><i>Aix-la-Chapelle, Monday</i>.—CHARLEMAGNE was + doubtless well advised in selecting this town for his + residence. However that be, it is not a matter for us to + dogmatise about. I have heard a lamented friend, suddenly and + all too soon lost, say there are few things more regrettable + than the tendency of the present age to review the actions of + great men, not lost but gone before, and to pass judgment upon + them without having enjoyed the opportunity of hearing what + they might have to say in justification or palliation of the + proceedings challenged.</p> + + <p>That is true and tersely put. Still I may observe that if C. + lived at this period and had his choice, say between + Aix-la-Chapelle and Homburg or Aix-les-Bains, it is doubtful + whether he would have built his cathedral here. Unlike the two + latter watering-places, Aix-la-Chapelle has other fish to boil + besides the invalids who come hither attracted by the fame of + its hot springs. It is a manufacturing town, and has all the + characteristics of one. At Homburg or Aix-les-Bains you walk up + a street, turn a corner and find yourself among pine-trees, or + in a smiling valley with a blue lake blinking at the sun. Here + the baths are in the centre of the town, and, like a certain + starling, you feel you "can't get out."</p> + + <p>But invalids musn't be choosers, and if RUSTEM ROOSE sends + you to Aix-la-Chapelle—he's always sending somebody + somewhere—to la-Chapelle you must carry your Aix, in the + hope that you may leave them there.</p> + + <p>"I wonder," said the Member for SARK, who as usual is + grumbling round, "if the local female population was less + unlovely in CHARLEMAGNE's time? Probably, since he married with + a frequency not excelled by our HENRY VIII. But what was + HILDEGARDE like—HILDEGARDE, his favourite spouse? If she + in any way resembled the women who throng the streets of + Aix-la-Chapelle to-day, C.'s lot was not a happy one. Never in + any city, in either hemisphere, have I suffered such a + nightmare of ugly ill-dressed women as is here found."</p> + + <p>That is a most unfair and unjustifiable remark to make. + Brimstone evidently does not agree with SARK who is more + disagreeable than ever. The only thing that has touched his + stony nature since he came to Aix is the unselfish devotion of + the local aristocracy to the interests of the town. Visitors + mustering in the Elisengarten for their morning cups, notice + the group of musicians in the orchestra by the entrance-gate. + Every man wears a top-hat, the only head-gear of the kind seen + in Aix. SARK, attracted by this peculiarity, made inquiries, + and learned from an intelligent native that these are nobles in + disguise, who, desirous of contributing to the common weal, + turn out at seven every morning to play the band. They are + willing to sink all social distinctions, save that they + <i>will</i> wear the cylindrical hat of civilisation. Not + comfortable, especially in wet weather; but it adds an air of + distinction to the group.</p> + + <p>"Very nice of them," SARK grudgingly admits; "but"—he + must have the compensation of a sneer—"imagine our House + of Lords forming themselves into groups to play the band in + Palace Yard, with HALSBURY wielding the mace by way of + <i>bâton</i>! They'd never do it, TOBY, even in top-hats. + Germany's miles ahead of us in this matter."</p> + + <p>Sorry to find Squire of MALWOOD, who spent a morning here on + his way to Wiesbaden, agreeing in SARK's view of the standard + of female beauty at Aix.</p> + + <p>"Strange," he mused, "that Nature never makes an ugly flower + or tree or blade of grass; and yet, when it comes to men and + women, behold!" and he swept a massive arm round the blighted + scene in the crowded Kaiserplatz.</p> + + <p>A small boy who thought the beneficent stranger in blue + serge was chucking pfennings about the Square, careered wildly + round in search of the treasure. We walked on without + undeceiving him. To quote again from an old friend: "There is + nothing more conducive to the production and maintenance of a + healthy mind in a sound body than enterprise and industry, even + when, owing to misapprehension or miscalculation, their + exercise leads to no immediate reward."</p> + + <p>It had been quite a surprise one morning to find the SQUIRE + striding into the coffee-room at "Nuellens."</p> + + <p>"Thought you were down at Malwood," I said, "looking after + your flocks and herds, your brocoli and your spring + onions."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/185.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/185.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ask why was made the gem so small</p> + + <p class="i2">And why so huge the granite?</p> + + <p>Because 'twas meant that men should set</p> + + <p class="i2">The larger value on it.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"So I had hoped to be," he said, as we strolled up and down + under the trees in the Elisengarten. "But the fact is, TOBY, + dear boy, I could not stand the weather. I am of a sensitive + nature, and it cut me to the heart to see cold winds nipping + the fruit and trees, the flood of rain beating down the corn, + the oats, and the mangel-wurzel. People make a mistake about + me. They regard me as an ambitious politician, caring for + nothing but the House of Commons and the world of politics. At + heart I am an agriculturist. Give me three acres and a + cow—anybody's, I don't care—and I will settle down + in peace and quietness, remote from political strife, never + turning an ear to listen to the roll of battle at Westminster. + I am often distraught between the attractions of interludes in + the lives of CINCINNATUS and of WILLIAM OF ORANGE's great + Minister. Of the two I think I am more drawn towards the + rose-garden at Sheen than by CINCINNATUS's unploughed land. + Before I die I should like to create a new rose and call it + 'The Grand Old Man.'"</p> + + <p>Quite a revelation this of the true inwardness of the + SQUIRE. Would astonish some people in London, I fancy, if ever + I were to mention this conversation. But, to quote once more + from a revered authority: "We all live a dual life, and are not + actually that which, upon cursory regard, the passer-by + believes us to be. Every gentleman, in whatever part of the + House he may sit, has a skeleton in the cupboard of his + valet."</p> + + <p>The SQUIRE stayed here only a morning, passing on to other + scenes. I watched his departure with mingled feelings; sorrow + at losing a delightful companion, and apprehension of what + might happen if he were to remain here to go through the full + cure. The place is, as SARK says, the most brimstony on the + same level. You breathe brimstone, drink it, bathe in it, and + take it in at the pores. At the end of three weeks or a month + you are dangerously saturated with the chemical. An ordinary + lucifer match is nothing to a full-bodied patient at the end of + three weeks treatment at Aix-la-Chapelle. If the SQUIRE had + stayed on, I should never have seen his towering frame pass + underneath a doorway without my heart leaping to my mouth. Some + day he would have accidentally struck his head against the + lintel and would have ignited as sure as a gun.</p> + + <p>If CHARLEMAGNE were now alive, I feel certain from what I + know of him, he would have exhausted the resources of + civilisation in search of a preventive of this ever-present and + dangerous risk. Under CAROLO MAGNO the patient might have gone + about the streets of Aix-la-Chapelle with sweet carelessness, + knowing that, however much brimstone he carried, he would + strike only on the box.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" + id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/186.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/186.png" + alt="OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD." /></a> + + <h3>OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.</h3> + + <p>"AND HOW DID YOU LIKE SWITZERLAND?"</p> + + <p>"OH, IMMENSELY! IT WAS OUR FIRST VISIT, YOU KNOW!"</p> + + <p>"AND DID YOU GO ON INTO ITALY?"</p> + + <p>"WELL, NO. WE FOUND A HOTEL AT LAUSANNE WHERE THERE WAS + A FIRST-RATE TENNIS-LAWN, YOU KNOW—QUITE AS GOOD AS + OURS AT HOME. SO WE SPENT THE WHOLE OF OUR HOLIDAY THERE, + AND PLAYED LAWN-TENNIS ALL DAY LONG!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FAMILY TIES.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The journal (the <i>Grashdanin</i>) is of opinion that + in making common cause with the other European Powers + against China, Russia would but serve the ends of ... + England to the prejudice of her own interests, which demand + that she should not jeopardise the security of her Asiatic + shores, or contribute to the complete ascendancy of Great + Britain in the Pacific Ocean, by arousing the antagonism of + China."—<i>Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + <i>Muscovite loquitur</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Won't you help me bind the Dragon?" says the Briton + to the Russ.</p> + + <p>Oho! ingenuous JOHNNY! I'm opposed to needless + fuss,</p> + + <p>And have other fish to fry—say near the Oxus! + Not a hang</p> + + <p>Do I care for what may happen on the great + Yang-tse-Kiang.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I approve Non-intervention. 'Tis your favourite + doctrine, JOHN,</p> + + <p>And you stick to it <i>so</i> closely, and that's + just why you get on.</p> + + <p>If you think that Dragon's dangerous—I hold + 'tis but his play!—</p> + + <p>There's but one thing you've got to do—clear + out of the brute's way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am sure he doesn't want you where you've stayed a + deal too long;</p> + + <p>He wishes you would up and go to—well + <i>not</i> to Hong-Kong,</p> + + <p>But the natural home of all such "Foreign Devils," + in <i>his</i> view.</p> + + <p>Why, he's none too sweet on Me, JOHN; is it likely + he'd like <i>you</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Grattez le Russe—et cetera</i>. You are + mighty fond, J.B.,</p> + + <p>Of quoting that stale epigram. You fancy it riles + me.</p> + + <p>Not a bit of it, my Briton; Tartars have a thickish + skin,</p> + + <p>And your foe and I are neighbours, nay a distant + sort of kin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Mantchus and the Romanoffs are not exactly + chums,</p> + + <p>And a Tartar insurrection, when that little trouble + comes,</p> + + <p>As it may do if you press too much at Pekin, well, + who knows?</p> + + <p>There is always something pleasing in the quarrels + of one's foes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Mantchus miss a many of once subject Tartar + tribes</p> + + <p>Who have—gravitated Russwards. Little call for + blows or bribes</p> + + <p>To make blood-relations mingle. On the Mantchus this + may jar,</p> + + <p>But we've not forgotten Kuldja, and we recollect + Kashgar.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wheels within wheels, dear JOHNNY! As to + missionaries, well,</p> + + <p>They are troublesome—and useful; but to put + things all pell-mell</p> + + <p>On account of priests and parsons, and of quite an + alien creed,</p> + + <p>That's scarce "diplomatic," JOHNNY; it is not, dear + boy, indeed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A new Tamerlane, my JOHNNY, who could stir the + Tartar hordes</p> + + <p>To—say "Asiatic Concert,"—well, you know + that thought affords</p> + + <p>To your talky "Only General" a quite sensational + theme.</p> + + <p>But prophecy's not "business," JOHN, and CÆSAR + should not dream.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! the world is full of Bogies. <i>I</i>'m the + biggest of them all</p> + + <p>In the minds of many croakers who ne'er saw the + Chinese Wall,</p> + + <p>But are frightened at the spreading of my + kindred—on the map;</p> + + <p>For I'm semi-Asiatic, and half Tartar, dear old + chap.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now put this and that together, think of Pamir, + Turkestan,</p> + + <p>Of Persia, of the Dardanelles!—I think you'll + see, old man,</p> + + <p>That though this ramping Dragon <i>you</i> may wish + to tie and tame,</p> + + <p>A Benevolent Neutrality is rather more <i>my</i> + game.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A PLAYGOER'S "LAST WORD."</h3> + + <h4>(<i>An Echo from the Pit.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Season is—<i>has</i> been for some + time—silly,</p> + + <p class="i2">And lengthy correspondences are rife.</p> + + <p>We have, alas! to read them willy-nilly;</p> + + <p class="i2">They take a deal of pleasure out of + life.</p> + + <p>To flee such evils here's an easy way—</p> + + <p class="i2">Let morning dailies idly rant or + vapour,</p> + + <p>At the Lyceum go and see the play,</p> + + <p class="i2">The programme there's the finest DALY + paper.<a id="footnotetag2" + name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote2" + name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a> + + <p>A Correspondent, signing himself "A Knight of the Free + Lists," suggests that free admissions to the Lyceum should + be known, during the American Company's season, as "The + Best Daly 'Paper.'"</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>MOTTO FOR A DEPRESSED TEETOTALLER.—"Whine and + Water."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" + id="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/187.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/187.png" + alt="FAMILY TIES." /></a> + + <h3>FAMILY TIES.</h3> + + <p>JOHN BULL. "AIN'T YOU GOING TO LEND A HAND?"</p> + + <p>RUSSIA. "WELL, I DON'T KNOW;—YOU SEE HE'S A SORT + OF RELATION OF MINE!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page189" + id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span> + + <h2>TIPPLING SALLY.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Song of Sorrow on Zoo Sunday.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[SALLY, the Chimpanzee (late of the Zoo), is stated to + have "drunk beer daily."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of all the monkeys at the Zoo</p> + + <p class="i2">There's none like Tippling SALLY.</p> + + <p>She was the first who quenched her thirst</p> + + <p class="i2">Quite al-co-hol-i-cally.</p> + + <p>A draught of beer made her not queer,</p> + + <p class="i2">But seemed her strength to rally.</p> + + <p>MORTIMER GRANVILLE well might cheer</p> + + <p class="i2">Three cheers for Tippling SALLY.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of all the days within the week</p> + + <p class="i2">I chiefly favoured one day,</p> + + <p>That was the day when children seek</p> + + <p class="i2">The rapture called "Zoo Sunday."</p> + + <p>For then full drest all in my best</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd go and visit SALLY,</p> + + <p>And see her soothe her hairy breast</p> + + <p class="i2">So al-co-hol-i-cally!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now no more poor SALLY's tricks</p> + + <p class="i2">With glee fill girl or boy full;</p> + + <p>No mug of beer her soul can cheer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor glass of O-be-joyful!</p> + + <p>We yet may see some Chimpanzee</p> + + <p class="i2">With Drink's temptations dally,</p> + + <p>To WILFRID's woe; but no, ah! no!</p> + + <p class="i2">It won't be Tippling SALLY!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN ESSAY IN REVIEWING.</h2> + + <p>We are obliged to "Beginner" for the proffered contribution + to our collection of Book Reviews. That is, however, a + department of the paper our noble friend the BARON DE + BOOK-WORMS reserves for his own pen. But as <i>Mr. Punch</i> + has never been known to discourage beginners, he finds room + here for the interesting contribution, which perhaps should + more appropriately have been addressed to his <i>confrère</i> + at the office of the <i>Athenæum</i>:—</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/189-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/189-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Don Quixote</i>. By MIGUEL CERVANTES. We have + conscientiously plodded through this voluminous work, which is + certainly not entirely without merit. It purports to recount + the daily doings of a resident in a village of La Mancha + (Spain) who, accompanied by a clownish retainer, went forth in + search of adventures. He was not very happy, his day's sport + being invariably rounded oft by a sound drubbing, received + either by himself, his Squire, or both. We wish Lord MACAULAY + had lived to see the publication of this work, and had with + fuller leisure relieved us of the task of reviewing it. + Remembering his method of procedure as illustrated in his + article on Dr. NARE's <i>Memoirs of Lord Burleigh</i>, he would + doubtless by careful enumeration have been able to show that + from first to last <i>Don Quixote</i> had more ribs broken than + any man has actually possessed since ADAM was privy to a + diminution of their original number. He seems also to have had + a perpetual renewal of teeth, keeping pace with their frequent + removal by brute force. As for the number of legs and arms he + had fractured, MACAULAY's Schoolboy would have shrunk from the + task of computing their aggregate.</p> + + <p>These are blemishes upon a work that is, at least, well + intentioned, and which might have been more successful had our + author been inclined to give his hero credit for more acumen. + When he represents <i>Don Quixote</i> as running tilt at + windmills under the impression that they are armed knights, and + when he pictures him charging a flock of sheep in the belief + that it is an ordered army, we think he too grossly trifles + with the assumed credulity of his readers. Exaggeration is, + indeed, the bane of a work that, from first page to last, bears + evidence of the drawback of extreme youth on the part of the + author. We have been pleased to notice some indications of + humour in the conversation of <i>Sancho Panza</i>. But it is + the pennyworth of sack to an intolerably large quantity of + bread. What we have written has been without desire to + discourage Mr. CERVANTES, whom we shall be glad to meet with + again, bringing with him the fruits of unremitted practice and + of maturer views of life.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO ARAMINTA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After hearing Mr. Samson's Lecture.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["To keep the family true, refined, affectionate, + faithful, is the woman's task—a task that needs the + entire energies and life of woman; and to mix up this + sacred duty with the grosser occupation of politics and + trade, is to unfit her for it as much as if a priest were + to embark in the business of money-lender."—FREDERIC + HARRISON.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/189-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/189-2.png" + alt="Araminta." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I Prithee, ARAMINTA, hear</p> + + <p class="i2">What FREDERIC HARRISON has said:</p> + + <p>Don't read for College honours, dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">And put a towel round your head.</p> + + <p>Don't sully what should surely be</p> + + <p class="i2">An unstained soul, with tricks of + trade;</p> + + <p>Leave stern official work to me,</p> + + <p class="i2">While you remain a simple maid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Don't prate of woman's function, sweet,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your only duty is to charm;</p> + + <p>Leave platform spouting, as is meet,</p> + + <p class="i2">To men; it cannot do them harm.</p> + + <p>Your influence comes from gracious ways,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your glory in the home doth lie;</p> + + <p>The guardian angel of our days,</p> + + <p class="i2">Until you bless us when we die.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Don't enter on ignoble strife</p> + + <p class="i2">With man, 'tis yours to soar + above—</p> + + <p>To all the higher things of life,</p> + + <p class="i2">Divine compassion, and pure love.</p> + + <p>'Tis yours to stimulate, refine,</p> + + <p class="i2">To win men by a kindly heart;</p> + + <p>Not grovel with us where the sign</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Mammon hangs above the mart.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thine is the task to reign supreme</p> + + <p class="i2">Within the sacred sphere of home;</p> + + <p>To make our life one happy dream,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thine own as spotless as the foam.</p> + + <p>To trade, to toil, to head the feast,</p> + + <p class="i2">To seek the politician's gain,</p> + + <p>Were hateful:—ay, as though the priest</p> + + <p class="i2">Took usury, within the fane!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/189-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/189-3.png" + alt="The Baron de Book-Worms." /></a> + </div> + + <p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS owns to being easily affected by a + pathetic episode. He well remembers how years ago in the course + of a discussion among literary men about books and their + writers, the Baron acknowledged that in spite of his having + been told how the pathos of DICKENS was all a trick, and how + the sentiment of that great novelist was for the most part + false, he still felt a choking sensation in his throat and a + natural inclination to blow his nose strenuously whenever he + re-read the death of <i>Little Paul</i>, the death of + <i>Dora</i>, and some passages about <i>Tiny Tim</i>. There was + no dissentient voice as to the death of <i>Colonel Newcome</i>; + all admitted the recurrence of that peculiar choking sensation, + read they their THACKERAY never so often. Now the Baron differs + from <i>Josh Sedley</i> in, as he thinks, many respects, but he + is almost as "easily moved to tears" as was that stout hero. + Wherefore this preface? Well, 'tis because the Baron owns to + having "snivelled," if you will, when reading a delightful + story, published by MACMILLAN in one volume ("bless all good + stories in <i>one</i> vol., clearly printed!" says the Baron, + parenthetically), entitled simply, <i>Tim</i>. No relation to + <i>Tiny Tim</i> already mentioned; quite another child. The + Baron strongly recommends <i>this</i> story, and especially to + Etonians past and present, as giving a life-like picture which + the latter will recognise, of the career at that great public + school of a fragile little chap entirely unfitted by nature for + the rough and tumble of such a life. The considerate tutor, + too, is no effort of imagination; he exists; and, perhaps, such + an one may have always existed since the division between + Collegers and Oppidans first began. The Baron in his own time, + nigh forty years ago, knew an exceptional species of this rare + genus; but there are plenty of witnesses to the truth of the + Etonian portion of <i>Tim</i>. "<i>Tolle, lege</i>!" quoth the + Baron, and be not ashamed if in reading the latter portion of + the story you have to search for your pocket-handkerchief, and, + glancing furtively around, murmur to yourself, "But soft! I am + observed!" Then when unobserved, "<i>wipe</i> the other eye!" + and thank the unknown author of <i>Tim</i>; at the same time + not forgetting your guide, philosopher, and friend,</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" + id="page190"></a>[pg 190]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/190.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/190.png" + alt="DESIGN FOR THE POSTER FOR THE NEXT GERMAN EXHIBITION IN LONDON." /> + </a> + + <h3>DESIGN FOR THE POSTER FOR THE NEXT GERMAN EXHIBITION IN + LONDON.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" + id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span> + + <h3>A FALLEN LEADER.</h3> + + <h2>CHARLES STEWART PARNELL.</h2> + + <h4>BORN, JUNE 27TH, 1846. DIED, OCTOBER 6TH, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"The falcon-crest and plumage gone,</p> + + <p class="i4">Can that be haughty MARMION?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>Sir Walter Scott</i>.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fallen! And not as leaders love to fall,</p> + + <p>In battle's forefront, loved and mourned by all;</p> + + <p>But fiercely fighting, as for his own hand,</p> + + <p>With the scant remnant of a broken band;</p> + + <p>His chieftainship, well-earned in many a fray,</p> + + <p>Rent from him—by himself!</p> + + <p class="i10">None did betray</p> + + <p>This sinister strong fighter to his foes;</p> + + <p>He fell by his own action, as he rose.</p> + + <p>He had fought all—himself he could not + fight,</p> + + <p>Nor rise to the clear air of patient right.</p> + + <p>Somewhere his strenuous soul unsoundly rang,</p> + + <p>When closely tested. Let the laurels hang</p> + + <p>About his tomb, for, with whatever fault,</p> + + <p>He led with valour cool a fierce assault</p> + + <p>Upon a frowning fortress, densely manned</p> + + <p>With strong outnumbering enemies. He planned</p> + + <p>Far-seen campaigns apparently forlorn;</p> + + <p>He fronted headlong hate and scourging scorn,</p> + + <p>Impassively persistent. But the task</p> + + <p>Of coldly keeping up the Stoic mask</p> + + <p>O'ertaxed him at the last; it fell, and lo!</p> + + <p>Another face was bared to friend and foe.</p> + + <p>Scarce to his foes will generous judgment + lean—</p> + + <p>Foes mean as merciless, and false as mean,</p> + + <p>Their poisoned pens, which even softening Death,</p> + + <p>Which hate should hush and stifle slander's + breath,</p> + + <p>May not deprive of venom, prodding still</p> + + <p>The unresponsive corse they helped to kill,</p> + + <p>Is an ignoble sight. Turn, turn away!</p> + + <p>Mean hates pursue the MARMION of our day,</p> + + <p>A nobler foe, like DOUGLAS, well may rue</p> + + <p>His fall, and sigh, "'Tis pity of him, too!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Motto for the Moment.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Militant Radical Candidate.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! I must trounce the Tory foe,</p> + + <p class="i2">And love my Toiling neighbour.</p> + + <p>The cry with which to fight I go</p> + + <p class="i2">Is "Labour and <i>Be</i>labour!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/191-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/191-1.png" + alt="'WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.'--No. 2." /> + </a> + + <h3>"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."—No. + 2.</h3>WHEN THE ROAD-CAR STOPS SUDDENLY JUST AS HE IS + CAUTIOUSLY DESCENDING THE STAIRCASE! + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE G.P. AND THE G.P.O.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Dialogue strictly according to Precedent.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>General Public</i>. I am sorry to say the condition of + the Postal Service is really extremely defective. The delay in + the delivery of letters is most annoying. Frequently a note + which should be received in the evening is not obtained until + the following morning—proof of this being given by the + post-marks.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:24%;"> + <a href="images/191-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/191-2.png" + alt="The General Post Office." /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>General Post Office</i>. Your complaint shall receive + consideration.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.</i> You are most kind. Next, a telegram despatched + from one part of London to another part, sometimes takes eight + hours, and the reason given is that the counter-clerk has a + discretionary power to retain telegrams until he has what he + considers a sufficient supply for the messenger to take out for + delivery. This naturally causes much delay and consequent + inconvenience.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.O.</i> Your complaint shall receive + consideration.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.</i> You are too good. Next, the carelessness at + Branch Offices is extremely irritating. For instance, it is + often the case that the words of telegrams have been altered + and changed during transmission. It is unnecessary to point out + that such mistakes are liable to create annoyance, not to say + disaster.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.O.</i> Your complaint shall receive + consideration.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.</i> Very many thanks. Then, at offices where females + are engaged, rudeness is very common. Would-be purchasers of + postage-stamps are frequently kept waiting while the clerks + chatter to one another about matters entirely unconnected with + the Department. And this habit is gaining ground in those + offices in which male labour is only employed, especially in + the immediate neighbourhood of St. Martin's-le-Grand itself. It + is useless to call attention to this practice, as a simple + denial from an official implicated is accepted by the + authorities as proof (almost) positive of his or her + innocence.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.O.</i> Your complaint shall receive + consideration.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.</i> Again, thanks for your courtesy. But about these + and many other grievances, the same stereotyped answer has + invariably been received.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.O.</i> Your complaint shall receive + consideration.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.</i> Exactly! That is the very answer. And it is felt + that no other outcome will result from agitation. It seems + utterly impossible to make the officials in charge realise + their responsibility to the taxpayers.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.O.</i> Your complaint shall receive + consideration.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.</i> Of course; the same parrot-cry! And it may be + for years, and it be for ever, before reform is introduced. The + probability is, that the present unsatisfactory condition of + affairs may exist at St. Martin's-le-Grand until the hour of + doom.</p> + + <p><i>G.P.O.</i> Your complaint shall receive + consideration.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>REFLECTION BY A GENERAL READER.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have been reading books wherein 'tis shown</p> + + <p class="i2">(In diction autocratic, sour, + un-civil),</p> + + <p>That nothing can be absolutely known,</p> + + <p class="i2">Save that the Universe is wholly + evil!</p> + + <p>And even this poor result is only plain</p> + + <p class="i2">To Genius—which, of course, is + quite a rarity.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> should have thought this would have given + it pain,</p> + + <p class="i2">And moved it to both modesty and + charity;</p> + + <p>But what surprises <i>me</i> (—ZOILUS, to mock + sure,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will whip me with sham-epigrams would-be + witty,—)</p> + + <p>Is that Agnostics seem so awfully pure,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Pessimists so destitute of pity.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page192" + id="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span> + + <h2>ANNALS OF A WATERING-PLACE</h2> + + <h3>THAT HAS "SEEN ITS DAY."</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/192-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The weather which, in Mr. DUNSTABLE's varied experience of + five-and-twenty years, he assures me, has never been so bad, + having at length afforded some indications of "breaking" I make + the acquaintance, through Mrs. COBBLER, of Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, + the Proprietor of the one Bath-chair available for the invalid + of Torsington-on-Sea, who, like myself, stands in need of the + salubrious air of that health-giving resort, but who is ordered + by his medical adviser to secure it with the least possible + expenditure of physical strength.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/192-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192-2.png" + alt="A Mess Dinner." /></a>A Mess Dinner. + </div> + + <p>Both Mr. WISTERWHISTLE and his chair are peculiar in their + respective ways, and each has a decided history. Mr. + WISTERWHISTLE, growing confidential over his antecedents, says, + "You see, Sir, I wasn't brought up to the Bath-chair business, + so to speak, for I began in the Royal Navy, under His Majesty + King WILLIAM THE FOURTH. Then I took to the Coast-Guard + business, and having put by a matter of thirty pound odd, and + hearing 'she' was in the market,"—Mr. WISTERWHISTLE + always referred to his Bath-chair as "she," evidently regarding + it from the nautical stand-point as of the feminine + gender,—"and knowing, saving your presence, Sir, that old + BLOXER, of whom I bought her, had such a good crop of cripples + the last season or two, that he often touched two-and-forty + shillings a-week with 'em, I dropped Her Majesty's Service, and + took to this 'ere. But, Lor, Sir, the business ain't wot it + wos. Things is changed woeful at Torsington since I took her + up. Then from 9 o'clock, as you might say, to 6 P.M., every + hour was took up; and, mind you, by real downright + 'aristocracy,'—real live noble-men, with gout on 'em, as + thought nothink of a two hours' stretch, and didn't 'aggle, + savin' your presence, over a extra sixpence for the job either + way. But, bless you, wot's it come to now? Why, she might as + well lay up in a dry dock arf the week, for wot's come of the + downright genuine invalid, savin' your presence, blow'd if I + knows. One can see, of course, Sir, in arf a jiffy, as you is + touched in the legs with the rheumatics, or summat like it; but + besides you and a old gent on crutches from Portland Buildings, + there ain't no real invalid public 'ere at all, and one can't + expect to make a livin' out of you two; for if you mean to do + the thing ever so 'ansome, it ain't reasonable to expect you + and the old gent I was a referring to, to stand seven hours a + day goin' up and down the Esplanade between you, and you see + even that at a bob an hour ain't no great shakes when you come + to pay for 'ousing her and keepin' her lookin' spic and span, + with all her brass knobs a shining and her leather apron fresh + polished with patent carriage blackin': and Lor, Sir, you'd not + b'lieve me if I was to tell you what a deal of show some + parties expects for their one bob an hour. Why, it was only the + other day that Lady GLUMPLEY (a old party with a front of black + curls and yaller bows in her bonnet, as I dare say you've + noticed me a haulin' up and down the Parade when the band's a + playin'), says to me, says she, 'It ain't so much the easy + goin' of your chair, Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, as makes me patronise + it, as its general genteel appearance. For there's many a chair + at Brighton that can't hold a candle to it!'" But at this point + he was interrupted by the appearance of a dense crowd that half + filled the street, and drew up in silent expectation opposite + my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten I had sent for + him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has returned, + and brought with him <i>the One Policeman</i>!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOY THE FATHER OF THE MAN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Chapter from a Sea Story of the future.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"Lash the lubber to the top-gallant yard and give him five + hundred with the cat o' ninetails!" shouted the pirate Captain, + blue with passion.</p> + + <p>There was a murmur amongst his crew. Because their messmate + had forgotten to touch his cap, it seemed hard to their poor + untutored minds he should receive so heavy a punishment.</p> + + <p>"What, mutiny!" cried the ruffian skipper, "here take this + and this and this!" and he distributed the contents of his + revolver amongst the sailors aft.</p> + + <p>In the meanwhile, the poor wretch was hanging to the + topgallant yard, expecting every moment to be his last.</p> + + <p>"A sail, Sir," said the boatswain, saluting, as he mounted + to the quarter-deck.</p> + + <p>"Get ready the torpedoes, and serve out per man a + hundredweight of smokeless powder cartridges. We shall have + rough work." Then he added, "By the way, what is the time?"</p> + + <p>"About half-past two, Sir," returned the other, and then, as + his Captain made an unsuccessful grab, he muttered, "No you + don't!"</p> + + <p>The ship in pursuit came on apace, and soon the two vessels + were yard-arm to yard-arm engaged in mortal combat. For a while + the confusion was so great that it was impossible to say what + would be the upshot. But a fortunate torpedo sent the pirate + craft to the bottom, and of all her crew, only the skipper + survived. He was brought (loaded with chains) before his + conqueror.</p> + + <p>"Well, you scoundrel," said the British Captain, "have you + anything to urge in your defence before we prepare you for your + execution?"</p> + + <p>"What would be the good?" was the sulky reply. "I know my + fate."</p> + + <p>"That voice, those husky tones," exclaimed the epauletted + representative of the English Admiralty; "surely I know them. + They bring back painful recollections. Show your face, + Sirrah!"</p> + + <p>"Why should I?" queried the conquered Chief. "It won't do me + any good!"</p> + + <p>But at a gesture of the British Captain, his prisoner was + seized, and his face forcibly washed.</p> + + <p>"What, BILLY TOMPKINS!" murmured the Briton, "and we meet + again like this!"</p> + + <p>"Yes," answered the other, "and it can't be helped. You have + your duty to perform, and so have I. Do your worst!"</p> + + <p>"But, BILLY, you were not always like this!"</p> + + <p>"No, JACK, I was not. Once I used to prattle at my mother's + knee. I was beloved by my brothers and sisters, and I was the + pride of the nursery!"</p> + + <p>And then the strong man broke down, and wept bitterly.</p> + + <p>"But have you not fallen very low?" asked the British + Captain, gently.</p> + + <p>"Indeed I have! I am a thief, a liar, a scoundrel—and, + in fact, a blackguard!"</p> + + <p>"With such surroundings," returned the Officer R.N., + pointing to the <i>debris</i> of the pirate craft, "it is + difficult to dispute your contention. Indeed, you are a + blackguard! But to what cause do you owe your fall?"</p> + + <p>"To my early training."</p> + + <p>"I do not comprehend you. Your early training! Where were + you trained?"</p> + + <p>"In the <i>Britannia</i>!"</p> + + <p>And then the British Captain completely understood the + situation.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/192-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192-3.png" + alt="A SOLILOQUY." /></a> + + <h3>A SOLILOQUY.</h3>(<i>At the close of the German + Exhibition</i>.)<br /> + <i>West Kensington Cuirassier</i>. "NOW OI WONDER WHAT + KOIND OF AN 'ERO OI'LL 'AVE TO BE NEXT YEAR?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. October 17, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + +***** This file should be named 14053-h.htm or 14053-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/0/5/14053/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. October 17, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 15, 2004 [EBook #14053] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +October 17, 1891. + + + + +THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST. + + SCENE--_The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine + constructed to reveal the character and future of a person + according to the colour of his or her hair, for the small + consideration of one penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are + examining it._ + +_First Pleasure-seeker_ (_a sprightly young lady of the name of +LOTTIE_). "Put in a penny and get a summary of your character from the +colour of your 'air." I wonder what they'll 'ave _next_! + +_Second Pl.-s._ (_her admirer, a porridge-faced young man with pink +eyelids and faming hair, addressed as 'ECTOR by his intimates_). Ah, +it's surprising how far they've got, it reelly is. And beginning with +butter-scotch, too! + +_Aunt Maria_. Come on, do--you don't want to waste no more time over +that rubbidge! + +_Fourth Pl.-s._ (_a lanky youth, with pale hair and a receding chin, +to his fiancee_). Hadn't we better be making a move if we're going to +'ear the band, CARRIE? + +_Carrie_. I shall move on when I _like_, without your leave, FREDDY; +so make no mistake. + +_Freddy_. Oh, _I_'m in no 'urry. I only thought your Aunt was +getting--but don't mind me. [CARRIE _does not mind him._ + +_Dolph_. (_the funny man of the party_). 'Old on a bit! I've got some +coppers. I'm going to sample this concern. I'll put in for all of +you--it's _my_ treat, this is. We'll begin with Aunt MARIA. What +colour do you call _your_ 'air now? I don't see any slot marked +"cawfy-colour." + +_Aunt Maria_. Never _you_ mind what colour my 'air is--it's a pity you +can't find a better use for your pennies. + +_Dolph_. (_inserting a penny in a slot marked "Light Brown"_). 'Ere +goes, the oracle's working. (_The machine emits a coloured card._) +Listen to what it says about Aunt MARIA. She is--"tender-'arted." Jest +what I've always said of her! "A little 'asty in her temper"--'ullo, +must be a 'itch in the machinery, _there_!--"neither obstinate nor +'aughty"--(_A snort from Aunt MARIA at this_)--"her inclination to +love never unreasonable." 'Ow _like_ her! "Frolicsome, inclined to +flirt and sometimes mischievous." You _giddy_ little thing! Up to +all your little tricks, this machine is! "Fertile in imagination, +domesticated, thoughtful and persevering"--There's Aunt MARIA for yer! + +_General Chorus_. Good old Aunt MARIA! + +_Dolph_. There's a prophecy on blue paper from _Napoleon's Book of +Fate_, gratis. (_Reads._) "Thy 'oroscope forewarns thee of a loss if +thou lendest thy money." Just when I was going to borrow arf-a-crown +off of her too! + +_Aunt Maria_. Ah, I didn't want no machine for _that_. 'Ow you can +patronise such rubbidge, _I_ don't know! Tellin' characters by the +colour of your 'air, indeed--it's told _mine_ all wrong, anyhow! + +_Dolph_. Well, you see, your 'air's so natural it would deceive _any_ +machine! [_Movement on part of Aunt MARIA._ + +_Lottie_. Put in for 'ECTOR next, DOLPH, do. I want to hear what it +says about him. + +_Dolph_. They don't keep _his_ colour in stock--afraid o' losing their +insurance policy. "Red or orbun's" the nearest they can get to +it. (_He puts in a penny in the "Red" slot._) Here's old 'ECTOR. +(_Reads._) "The Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless +disposition, constantly roving." Keep your eye on him, LOTTIE! +"Impatient and fiery in temper"--_'Old_ 'im, two of yer?--"but for all +that, is kind and loving." You _needn't_ 'old him--it's all right. "He +is passionately fond of the fair sex." What _all_ of 'em, 'ECTOR? +I'm ashamed of yer! "He is inclined to timidity"--Oo'd ha' thought +it?--"but by reflection may correct it and pass for a man of courage." +You start reflecting at _once_, old chap! + +_'Ector_ (_ominously, to LOTTIE_). If DOLPH don't mind what he's +about, he'll go too far some day! + + [_He breathes hard, then thinks better of it._ + +_Dolph_. Now it's CARRIE's turn. "Leave you out?" Couldn't think of +it. Brown 'air, CARRIE's is. (_He puts in a penny._) "A Lady with +'air of a medium brown colour, long and smooth"--_Is_ your 'air long +though, CARRIE? + +_Carrie_ (_with pride_). I should hope so--I can set on it. + +_Dolph_. That's nothing! So can Aunt MARIA set on _hers_! (_With a +glance at that Lady's very candid "front."_) _Can't_ you, Auntie, +eh? If you make a effort? + +_Aunt Maria_ (_with dignity_). I'll thank you to 'ave the goodness +to drop your sauce, Mr. ADOLPHUS GAGGS; it's out of place and not +appreciated, I can assure you! [_She walks away._ + +_Dolph_. (_surprised_). Why, there's Aunt MARIA got the 'ump--for a +little thing like _that_! Let me finish with CARRIE. (_Reads._) "She +is of an intellectual turn of mind." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from FREDDY._) +"Very fond of reading." Takes in _Sloper's 'Alf 'Oliday_ regular! +"Steadfast in her engagements." 'Ullo, CARRIE! + +_Carrie_ (_firing up_). Well, have you anything to say against that? +You'd better take care, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. I was only thinking. Sure you haven't been squaring this +machine? Ah, it tells you some 'ome truths here--"Although inquisitive +and fond of prying into the secrets of others--" Now however did it +know _that_? + +_Carrie_. It isn't there--you're making it up! + + [_She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it up._ + +_Dolph_. Temper--temper! Never mind. Now we'll try FREDDY. What's his +shade of 'air? I should say about the colour of spoilt 'ay, if I was +asked. + +_Carrie_ (_with temper_). You're _not_ asked, so you needn't give your +opinion! + +_Dolph_. Well, keep _your_ 'air on, my dear girl, and we'll call +FREDDY's "Fair." (_Reading card._) "A gentleman with this colour of +hair will be assiduous in his occupation--" + +_Carrie_ (_warmly_). What a shame! I'm _sure_ he isn't. _Are_ you, +FREDDY? [_FREDDY smiles vaguely._ + +_Dolph_. "Not given to rambling,"--Except in his 'ed,--"very moderate +in his amorous wishes, his mind much given to reflection, inclined to +be 'asty-tempered, and, when aroused,"--'Ere, somebody, rouse FREDDY, +quick!--"to use adjectives." Mustn't use 'em _'ere_, FREDDY! "But if +reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased." Pat his 'ed, CARRIE, will +yer? "Has plenty of bantering humour." (_Here FREDDY grins feebly._) +Don't he _look_ it too! "Should study his diet." That means his +grub, and he works 'ard enough at that! "He has a combination of good +commercial talents, which, if directed according to the reflection +of the sentiments, will make him tolerably well off in this world's +goods." + +_Carrie_ (_puzzled_). What's it torking about _now_? + +_Dolph_. Oh, it on'y means he's likely to do well in the cat's-meat +line. Now for your fortune, FREDDY. "It will be through marriage that +your future will be brightened." + +_Carrie_ (_pleased_). Lor, FREDDY, think o' that! + +_Dolph_. Think _twice_ of it, FREDDY, my boy. Now we'll be off and get +a drink. + +_Carrie_. Wait. We haven't got _your_ character yet, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. Oh, mine--they couldn't give that for a penny. Too good, yer +know! + +_Carrie_. If they haven't got it, it's more likely they're afraid it +would break the machine. I'm going to put in for you under "Black." +(_She does._) Here we are. (_Reads._) "The gentleman will be much +given to liquor." Found out first time, you see, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. (_annoyed_). Come, no personalities now. Drop all that! + +_Carrie_. "Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled temper; more +decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, and consequently +meets with many disappointments. Such gentlemen"--now you listen to +this, Mr. GAGGS!--"will now know their weaknesses, which should induce +them to take steps to improve themselves." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from the +rest of the party._) "Knowledge is power, and enables us to overcome +many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey to." This is your +fortune. "Thou art warned to be careful what thou drinkest!" Well, +they do seem to _know_ you, I must say! + +_Dolph_. (_in a white rage_). I tell you what it is, Miss CARRIE +BICKERTON, you appear to me to be turning a 'armless joke into a +mejium for making nasty spiteful insinuations, and I, for one, am not +going to put up with it, whatever others may! So, not being partial +to being turned into redicule and made to look a fool in company, I'll +leave you to spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish you +a very good-night! + + [_He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the party + stupefied._ + +_'Ector_. (_with mild regret_). It do seem a pity though, so pleasant +as we were together, till this come up! + +_Freddy_. And CARRIE's Aunt MARIA. gone off in a tantrum, too. We +shall have a job to find _'er_ now! + +_Lottie and Carrie_. Oh, _do_ hold your tongues, both of you. You and +your automatic machines! + +_'Ector and Freddy_. _Our_ automatic machines! Why, we never-- + +_Lottie and Carrie_. If you say one word more, either of you, we'll +go home! [_FREDDY and 'ECTOR follow them meekly in search of Aunt +MARIA as the Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +VOICES OF THE NIGHT. + +(_IN FLEET STREET._) + + Oh raucous street--"_Echo_," whose vile _vox clamantis_ + Is, like the Salvationist's shout, heard a mile hence, + I wish, _how_ I wish,--ah! yes, that what we want is!-- + Some Cockney Narcissus could charm you to silence. + Ah, me! no such luck; in the clear autumn twilight + Your shriek on my tympanum stridently jars. + "_Echo_" murders repose, mars the daffodil sky light; + And if one thing sounds worse 'tis "the Voice of the _Stars_"! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUST CAUGHT THE POST!] + +_Sir J-m-s F-rg-ss-n loquitur_:-- + + Just in time to catch the Post! + Pheugh! But the Pats would have "had me on toast" + (As 'ARRY would say in his odious slang), + If I had been but a little bit later. + Out o' breath as it is. Ah, hang + This hurrying business! My mouth's like a crater, + Dreadfully dry, and doosedly hot. + Rather a downer, this is, for SCOTT's lot! + Feared Mrs. Manchester _might_ just say + (In the popular patter of my young day) + "_It is all very well_ (with a wink and a jeer), + _But you_, Master FERGUSSON, _don't lodge here!_" + All right now, though! Saved my bacon. + My defeat might the Cause have shaken. + Just in time. There! Popped it in! + Awfully glad it conveys a Win; + Although One Fifty ain't _much_ to boast,-- + 'Twixt you and me and the (General) Post! + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM HENRY SMITH. + +BORN, JUNE 24, 1825. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1891. + + O'er-busy Death, your scythe of late seems reaping + Swiftly our heads of State; + The wise who hold our England's weal in keeping, + The gentle and the great. + + GRANVILLE is gone; and now another Warden + Falls with the fading leaf, + Leaving at Hatfield sorrow, and at Hawarden + Scarcely less earnest grief. + + All mourn the Man whose simple steadfast spirit + Made hearty friends of all. + Whilst manhood like to his her sons inherit + England need fear no fall. + + No high-perched, privileged and proud possessor + Of lineal vantage he; + Of perorating witchery no professor, + Or casuist subtlety. + + A capable, clear-headed, modest toiler, + Touched with no egoist taint, + To Duty sworn, the face of the Despoiler + Made him not fear or faint. + + O'erworn, o'erworked, with smiling face, though weary, + The tedious task he plied. + Sagacious, courteous, ever calm and cheery + Unsoured by spleen or pride. + + As unprovocative as unpretentious, + Skilful though seeming-slow; + Unmoved by impulse of conceit contentious + To risk success for show. + + O rare command of gifts, which, common-branded, + Are yet so strangely rare! + Selflessness patient, judgment even-handed + And spirit calmly fair! + + Lost to his friends their worth may now be measured + By the strong sense of loss. + How "OLD MORALITY's" memory will be treasured, + Midst faction's pitch-and-toss. + + But England which has instincts above Party + Most mourns the Man, now gone, + Who gave to Duty an allegiance hearty + As that of WELLINGTON. + + Sure "the gaunt figure of the old Field-Marshal"[1] + Would his successor praise; + As modest, as unselfish, as impartial, + Though fallen on calmer days. + + No glittering hero, but when England numbers + Patriots of worth and pith, + His name shall sound, who after suffering slumbers, + Plain WILLIAM HENRY SMITH! + +[Footnote 1: LONGFELLOW's "_The Warden of the Cinque Ports_."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS. + +"I WANT A NICE TIE, FOR A WEDDING. CAN YOU RECOMMEND ME ONE?" + +"CERTAINLY, SIR. A--ER--_PRINCIPAL_ GUEST, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +A ROMANCE IN NUMBERS. + +As we announced last week, the _Gentlewoman_ proposes for publication +"the most extraordinary novel of modern times"--a tale which is to be +written chapter by chapter, week after week, by well-known writers of +fiction, without consultation with their collaborateurs. We did the +same thing years ago. However, as the notion is still calculated +to amuse and instruct our readers, we subjoin a short story, which +has been written on the same terms by the entire strength of a +paper--political, sporting, and social. It will be found below. + +WHAT? WHO? AND WHICH? + +(_A JOINT STOCK MYSTERY._) + +_Political Writer commences_.--Yes, EUSTACE entered the House prepared +to vote for the Government. He knew that Lady FLORA had counted upon +his vote in support of her father, the Duke, and the other Members of +the Opposition. But when did love outweigh duty? EUSTACE knew that +the prosperity of the entire country depended upon his views. With +the price of corn falling, with the Russian Bear on the prowl, growing +nearer and nearer to our Afghan frontier, with the unsettled state of +the South American Republics, he knew that only one course was open to +him. + +"FLORA, darling," he said to the fair girl, as he paced by her side in +the Lobby, "believe me, I will do anything to help you; but what _can_ +I do?" + +_Sporting Writer continues_.--"What can you do?" she echoed, with a +hearty laugh, as she struck her riding-habit smartly with her whip; +"why, tell me the horse you fancy for the Cambridgeshire!" + +He thought for a moment. He knew the good points of _Bobby_, and was +rather partial to _Rosina_; but nothing wrong with _Snuffbox_, the +stable reports were favourable. Still, you can't always rely upon what +you see, much less what you hear. + +"Lady," said he, at length, "if you take my advice, you will back +nothing until they go to the post." + +_Continuation by French Correspondent_.--They had no further time for +parley, because the mail train left for Dover within the hour. So they +hurried to Victoria, and in less than eight hours were in the Capital +of the World. + +Ah, Paris, beautiful Paris! They enjoyed the balmy air as they drove +through the awaking streets to the Grand Hotel. As they entered the +courtyard they met the President. + +"Is it really true that the Germans refuse to take up the Russian +Loan?" asked EUSTACE of the First Frenchman in France. + +"I would not say this to anyone but yourself," replied M. CARNOT, +looking round to see that no one was listening; "but those who wait +longest will see best!" + +And with his finger to his mouth in token of discretion and silence, +he disappeared. EUSTACE and his fair companion hastened to the +telegraph office. + +_Scientific Writer takes it up_.--They were, of course, desirous of +transmitting their important despatch to head-quarters. + +"You want to know upon what system the telephone is worked?" queried +the operator, as he prepared a black-board, and took up a piece of +chalk. They bowed acquiescence. "You must know," said he, "that if we +represent the motive-power by _x_, we shall--." + +_Lady Correspondent turned on_.--Before he could complete his +sentence, Lady FLORA uttered a cry. + +"What a charming gown! Why, it is the prettiest I have seen in my +life!" and she gazed with increasing delight at the lady beneath on +the boulevard. Then she began to explain the costume to her two male +companions. She showed them that an under-skirt of snuff, with a waist +of orange-blue, both made of some soft fluffy material (which can be +obtained, by the way, at Messrs. SOWE AND SOWE), made an admirable +contrast. + +_Naval Correspondent puts finishing touch_.--[_Please end up +briskly_.--ED.].--And they left Paris, and embarking on H.M.S. +_Ramrod_, met a gale, and foundered. When they were picked up they +were both dead.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. IV.--TO POMPOSITY. + +YOUR EXCELLENCY, + +How difficult it is to succeed in giving pleasure. When I addressed +you recently, I honestly intended to gratify you by the adoption of +a tone of easy familiarity. Surely, I thought to myself, I cannot be +wrong if I address my friend POMPOSITY by his name, and speak to him +in a chatty rather than in an inflated style. If I chose the latter, +might he not think that I was poking fun at him by cheap parody, +and manifest his displeasure by bringing a host of BULMERS about my +ears? These considerations prevailed with me, and the result was the +letter you received. But, _O pectora caeca_! I have learnt from an +authoritative source that you are displeased. You resent, it seems, +what you are pleased to term my affectation of intimacy, and you beg +for a style of greater respect in any future communications. So be it. +I have pondered for hours, and have eventually come to the conclusion +that I shall best consult your wishes by addressing you in a manner +suited to diplomatic personages of importance. I have noticed that +in their official intercourse these gentlemen move on stilts of the +most rigid punctilio, and I have often pictured to myself the glow +of genuine pride which must suffuse the soul of an ambassador or a +foreign Minister when, for the first time, he finds himself styled an +Excellency. It may be of course that he knows himself to be anything +rather than excellent, but he will keep that knowledge to himself, +stowed away in some remote corner of his mind, and never on any +account allowed to interfere with his enjoyment of the ignorant and +empty compliments that others pay him. + +[Illustration] + +I wish to ask you a simple question. Why do you render those who spend +their lives in your service so extremely ridiculous? That may be just +the fashion of your humour; but is it fair to persist as you do? There +is, for instance, my old friend BENJAMIN CHUMP, little BEN CHUMP as +we used to call him in the irreverent days, before his face had turned +purple or his waistcoat had prevented him from catching stray glimpses +of his patent-leathered toes. Little BEN was not made for the country, +that was certain. A life of Clubs and dinner-parties would have suited +him to perfection. In his Club he could always pose before a select +and, it must be added, a dwindling circle as a man of influence. +"There is no Club, however watched and tended, but one dread bore +is there." BEN might have developed into a prime bore, but as he was +plentifully supplied with money and had a good cook and a pleasant +wife, he would always have managed to gather round him plenty of +guests who would have forgiven him his elaborate platitudes, for the +sake of his admirable made-dishes. Suddenly, however, he resolved to +become a country gentleman. As there is no law to prevent a CHUMP +from turning into a squire, BEN had not to wait very long before he +was able to put his fatal resolve into execution. He purchased an +Elizabethan mansion, and descended with all his airs and belongings +upon the unhappy country-side which he had decided to make the scene +of his rural education. Before that I used to see him constantly. +After that I quite lost sight of him. Occasionally I read paragraphs +in weekly papers about immense festivities due to the enterprise of +the CHUMPS, and from time to time I received local papers containing +long accounts of hunt breakfasts, athletic sports, the roasting of +whole oxen, and other such stirring country incidents in which it +appeared that the CHUMPS took a prominent part. I will do BEN the +credit to say that he never omitted to mark with broad red pencil +those parts which referred specially to himself, or reported any +speech he may have happened to make. + +Eventually that which I dreaded came about. Circumstances made it +impossible for me to refuse an invitation to Carchester Manor, and +on a certain evening in the first week of December I found myself a +guest under the roof of the CHUMPS. The entertainment provided was, I +am bound to say, magnificent. Every want that the most exacting guest +could feel was supplied almost before he had expressed it, and all +that gorgeous rooms, stately retainers and irreproachable cooking +could do to secure our comfort was done at Carchester Manor. But CHUMP +himself was on that first evening the grandest spectacle of all. He +overpowered me. Like some huge Spanish galleon making her way with +bellying sails and majestic progress amidst a fleet of cockle-shells, +so did CHUMP bear himself amidst his party. The neighbouring magnates +came to meet us. Lord and Lady AGINCOURT with their charming daughter +Lady MABEL POICTIERS, Sir GEORGE BUCKWHEAT and his wife, the Reverend +Canon and Mrs. CATSPAW, and a host of others were there to do CHUMP +honour. I thought of POLYCRATES and his ring and of other well-known +examples. Something I knew must happen to disturb this edifice of +pompous grandeur. The something was not long in coming, for just after +CHUMP had expatiated at immense length upon the vintages of France, +after he had offered to stock the failing cellars of Lord AGINCOURT +from his own, after the butler had, with due parade, placed two corks +at his master's side in token of the treat that was to follow, it was +discovered by little BILLY SILTZER, an impudent dog without veneration +or reticence, that _both_ the bottles of _Pontet Canet_ were +disgustingly corked. To my relief, but to CHUMP's discomfiture, BILLY +announced his discovery. "BEN, my boy," he shouted across the table, +"the moths have been at this tap of wine. I'm afraid his Lordship +won't care to take it off your hands." BEN became blue with suppressed +fury. The trembling butler obeyed his angry summons. "Take that stuff +away," said BEN, "and drink it yourself. Bring fresh wine at once." +But, alas, for wasted indignation, no more _Pontet Canet_ was +forthcoming, and we had to satisfy ourselves on a wine whose +inferiority no flourish of trumpets could disguise. + +Now there is nothing in the accident of a corked bottle that ought +to crush a man. I have seen a host rise serenely after such an +occurrence, and nobody dreamt of imputing it to him for wickedness. +But the contrast between the magniloquence of poor BEN and the deadly +failure of his wine, was too great. Even Lady MABEL, a kind girl +without affectations, could not forbear a smile when the incident was +narrated to her in the drawing-room, and some of the other guests, +whose names I charitably refrain from mentioning, seemed quite radiant +with pleasure at the misfortune of their host. CHUMP, however, was not +long in recovering, and before many hours had passed, he was assuring +us in the smoking-room, that he proposed to establish sport in his +particular district on a broad and enduring basis. On the following +morning there was a lawn-meet at the Manor, and, as I'm a living +sinner, our wretched host was flung flat on his back before the eyes +of all the neighbouring sportsmen and sportswomen by a fiery chestnut +which he bought for L400 from a well-known dealer. What became of him +during the rest of the day I know not. Indeed I shrink from continuing +the story of his ridiculous humiliations, and I merely desire to +remark that if this be your Excellency's manner of rewarding those +who serve you, I pray that I may be for ever preserved from your +patronage. + +So much, then, for BENJAMIN. In spite of everything I have a sort of +sneaking regard for the poor man, especially since I discovered that +he was not a free agent, but was inspired in word and action by your +blatant influence. Were it not that I feared to weary you, I might +proceed at much greater length. I might parade before you regiment +upon regiment of pompous local magnates and political nobodies all +drilled and disciplined by your offensive methods, and all of them +as absurd and preposterous as they can be made. But the spectacle +would only move you to derision. One point, however, I must insist +on. Whatever you do, don't throw JOSHUA POSER across my path again. +I might do him an injury. We were at College together, he being my +senior by a year. Even then he always assumed a condescension towards +me, an air as of one who temporarily stepped down from a pedestal to +mingle with common grovellers. He became a personage in the City, +a Chairman and a Director of Companies, and I lost sight of him. +Yesterday I met him, and he was good enough to address me. "Yes, +yes," he observed, "I remember you well. I have read some of your +contributions to periodical literature, and I can honestly say I +was pleased; yes, I was pleased. Of course the work is unequal, +and I marked one or two passages that might have been omitted with +advantage. For instance, the discussion between the vicar and the +family doctor is not quite in the most refined taste, but there is +distinct promise even in that. By the way, why don't you write in _The +New Congeries_? Your style would suit it. I always take that paper in, +and I find it very much appreciated in the pantry. The butler reads +it, when we have done with it, and passes it on to the footman. It +keeps them out of mischief. Now take my advice, and contribute to +that." I humbly murmured my thanks to this intolerable person, and +left him. As I turned away I half thought I heard the sound of your +Excellency's bellows in the neighbourhood of POSER. Was I wrong? + + I remain (merely in an epistolary sense), + Your Excellency's humble servant, + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE TITLE FOR MR. ANDREW LANG.--The Folk-Loreate. + + * * * * * + +"AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM!" + +(_A PENDANT TO MR. WILLIAM WATSON'S "THE KEY-BOARD."_) + + Five-and-thirty black slaves, + Half-a-hundred white. + All their duty but to make + Shindy day and night, + Now with throats of thunder, + Now with clattering lips, + While she thumps them cruelly + With stretched finger-tips. + + When she quits the chamber + All the slaves are dumb, + Dumb with rapture, till the Minx + Back shall come to strum, + Dumb the throats of thunder, + Hushed chromatic skips, + Lacking all the torturing + Of strained finger-tips. + + Dusky slaves and pallid, + Ebon slaves and white, + When Minx mounts her music-stool + Neighbours fly with fright. + Ah, the bass's thunder! + Oh, the treble's trips! + Eugh, the horrid tyrannies + Of corned finger-tips! + + Silent, silent, silent, + All your janglings now; + Notes false-chorded, slithering slaps, + Pedal-aided row! + Where is Minx, we wonder? + Ah! those scrambling skips! + Back she's come to torture us + With her finger-tips! + + * * * * * + +CHARLEMAGNE AND I. + +_Aix-la-Chapelle, Monday_.--CHARLEMAGNE was doubtless well advised +in selecting this town for his residence. However that be, it is not +a matter for us to dogmatise about. I have heard a lamented friend, +suddenly and all too soon lost, say there are few things more +regrettable than the tendency of the present age to review the actions +of great men, not lost but gone before, and to pass judgment upon them +without having enjoyed the opportunity of hearing what they might have +to say in justification or palliation of the proceedings challenged. + +That is true and tersely put. Still I may observe that if C. lived +at this period and had his choice, say between Aix-la-Chapelle and +Homburg or Aix-les-Bains, it is doubtful whether he would have +built his cathedral here. Unlike the two latter watering-places, +Aix-la-Chapelle has other fish to boil besides the invalids who come +hither attracted by the fame of its hot springs. It is a manufacturing +town, and has all the characteristics of one. At Homburg or +Aix-les-Bains you walk up a street, turn a corner and find yourself +among pine-trees, or in a smiling valley with a blue lake blinking +at the sun. Here the baths are in the centre of the town, and, like +a certain starling, you feel you "can't get out." + +But invalids musn't be choosers, and if RUSTEM ROOSE sends you +to Aix-la-Chapelle--he's always sending somebody somewhere--to +la-Chapelle you must carry your Aix, in the hope that you may leave +them there. + +"I wonder," said the Member for SARK, who as usual is grumbling round, +"if the local female population was less unlovely in CHARLEMAGNE's +time? Probably, since he married with a frequency not excelled by our +HENRY VIII. But what was HILDEGARDE like--HILDEGARDE, his favourite +spouse? If she in any way resembled the women who throng the streets +of Aix-la-Chapelle to-day, C.'s lot was not a happy one. Never in any +city, in either hemisphere, have I suffered such a nightmare of ugly +ill-dressed women as is here found." + +That is a most unfair and unjustifiable remark to make. Brimstone +evidently does not agree with SARK who is more disagreeable than ever. +The only thing that has touched his stony nature since he came to Aix +is the unselfish devotion of the local aristocracy to the interests +of the town. Visitors mustering in the Elisengarten for their +morning cups, notice the group of musicians in the orchestra by the +entrance-gate. Every man wears a top-hat, the only head-gear of the +kind seen in Aix. SARK, attracted by this peculiarity, made inquiries, +and learned from an intelligent native that these are nobles in +disguise, who, desirous of contributing to the common weal, turn out +at seven every morning to play the band. They are willing to sink all +social distinctions, save that they _will_ wear the cylindrical hat of +civilisation. Not comfortable, especially in wet weather; but it adds +an air of distinction to the group. + +"Very nice of them," SARK grudgingly admits; "but"--he must have +the compensation of a sneer--"imagine our House of Lords forming +themselves into groups to play the band in Palace Yard, with HALSBURY +wielding the mace by way of _baton_! They'd never do it, TOBY, even in +top-hats. Germany's miles ahead of us in this matter." + +Sorry to find Squire of MALWOOD, who spent a morning here on his way +to Wiesbaden, agreeing in SARK's view of the standard of female beauty +at Aix. + +"Strange," he mused, "that Nature never makes an ugly flower or tree +or blade of grass; and yet, when it comes to men and women, behold!" +and he swept a massive arm round the blighted scene in the crowded +Kaiserplatz. + +A small boy who thought the beneficent stranger in blue serge was +chucking pfennings about the Square, careered wildly round in search +of the treasure. We walked on without undeceiving him. To quote again +from an old friend: "There is nothing more conducive to the production +and maintenance of a healthy mind in a sound body than enterprise and +industry, even when, owing to misapprehension or miscalculation, their +exercise leads to no immediate reward." + +It had been quite a surprise one morning to find the SQUIRE striding +into the coffee-room at "Nuellens." + +"Thought you were down at Malwood," I said, "looking after your flocks +and herds, your brocoli and your spring onions." + +[Illustration: + + Ask why was made the gem so small + And why so huge the granite? + Because 'twas meant that men should set + The larger value on it. +] + +"So I had hoped to be," he said, as we strolled up and down under the +trees in the Elisengarten. "But the fact is, TOBY, dear boy, I could +not stand the weather. I am of a sensitive nature, and it cut me to +the heart to see cold winds nipping the fruit and trees, the flood of +rain beating down the corn, the oats, and the mangel-wurzel. People +make a mistake about me. They regard me as an ambitious politician, +caring for nothing but the House of Commons and the world of +politics. At heart I am an agriculturist. Give me three acres and +a cow--anybody's, I don't care--and I will settle down in peace and +quietness, remote from political strife, never turning an ear to +listen to the roll of battle at Westminster. I am often distraught +between the attractions of interludes in the lives of CINCINNATUS +and of WILLIAM OF ORANGE's great Minister. Of the two I think I am +more drawn towards the rose-garden at Sheen than by CINCINNATUS's +unploughed land. Before I die I should like to create a new rose and +call it 'The Grand Old Man.'" + +Quite a revelation this of the true inwardness of the SQUIRE. Would +astonish some people in London, I fancy, if ever I were to mention +this conversation. But, to quote once more from a revered authority: +"We all live a dual life, and are not actually that which, upon +cursory regard, the passer-by believes us to be. Every gentleman, in +whatever part of the House he may sit, has a skeleton in the cupboard +of his valet." + +The SQUIRE stayed here only a morning, passing on to other scenes. +I watched his departure with mingled feelings; sorrow at losing a +delightful companion, and apprehension of what might happen if he +were to remain here to go through the full cure. The place is, as SARK +says, the most brimstony on the same level. You breathe brimstone, +drink it, bathe in it, and take it in at the pores. At the end +of three weeks or a month you are dangerously saturated with the +chemical. An ordinary lucifer match is nothing to a full-bodied +patient at the end of three weeks treatment at Aix-la-Chapelle. If the +SQUIRE had stayed on, I should never have seen his towering frame pass +underneath a doorway without my heart leaping to my mouth. Some day he +would have accidentally struck his head against the lintel and would +have ignited as sure as a gun. + +If CHARLEMAGNE were now alive, I feel certain from what I know of him, +he would have exhausted the resources of civilisation in search of a +preventive of this ever-present and dangerous risk. Under CAROLO MAGNO +the patient might have gone about the streets of Aix-la-Chapelle with +sweet carelessness, knowing that, however much brimstone he carried, +he would strike only on the box. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD. + +"AND HOW DID YOU LIKE SWITZERLAND?" + +"OH, IMMENSELY! IT WAS OUR FIRST VISIT, YOU KNOW!" + +"AND DID YOU GO ON INTO ITALY?" + +"WELL, NO. WE FOUND A HOTEL AT LAUSANNE WHERE THERE WAS A FIRST-RATE +TENNIS-LAWN, YOU KNOW--QUITE AS GOOD AS OURS AT HOME. SO WE SPENT THE +WHOLE OF OUR HOLIDAY THERE, AND PLAYED LAWN-TENNIS ALL DAY LONG!"] + + * * * * * + +FAMILY TIES. + + ["The journal (the _Grashdanin_) is of opinion that in making + common cause with the other European Powers against China, + Russia would but serve the ends of ... England to the + prejudice of her own interests, which demand that she + should not jeopardise the security of her Asiatic shores, or + contribute to the complete ascendancy of Great Britain in + the Pacific Ocean, by arousing the antagonism of + China."--_Times_.] + +_Muscovite loquitur_:-- + + "Won't you help me bind the Dragon?" says the Briton to the Russ. + Oho! ingenuous JOHNNY! I'm opposed to needless fuss, + And have other fish to fry--say near the Oxus! Not a hang + Do I care for what may happen on the great Yang-tse-Kiang. + + I approve Non-intervention. 'Tis your favourite doctrine, JOHN, + And you stick to it _so_ closely, and that's just why you get on. + If you think that Dragon's dangerous--I hold 'tis but his play!-- + There's but one thing you've got to do--clear out of the brute's way. + + I am sure he doesn't want you where you've stayed a deal too long; + He wishes you would up and go to--well _not_ to Hong-Kong, + But the natural home of all such "Foreign Devils," in _his_ view. + Why, he's none too sweet on Me, JOHN; is it likely he'd like _you_? + + _Grattez le Russe--et cetera_. You are mighty fond, J.B., + Of quoting that stale epigram. You fancy it riles me. + Not a bit of it, my Briton; Tartars have a thickish skin, + And your foe and I are neighbours, nay a distant sort of kin. + + The Mantchus and the Romanoffs are not exactly chums, + And a Tartar insurrection, when that little trouble comes, + As it may do if you press too much at Pekin, well, who knows? + There is always something pleasing in the quarrels of one's foes. + + The Mantchus miss a many of once subject Tartar tribes + Who have--gravitated Russwards. Little call for blows or bribes + To make blood-relations mingle. On the Mantchus this may jar, + But we've not forgotten Kuldja, and we recollect Kashgar. + + Wheels within wheels, dear JOHNNY! As to missionaries, well, + They are troublesome--and useful; but to put things all pell-mell + On account of priests and parsons, and of quite an alien creed, + That's scarce "diplomatic," JOHNNY; it is not, dear boy, indeed. + + A new Tamerlane, my JOHNNY, who could stir the Tartar hordes + To--say "Asiatic Concert,"--well, you know that thought affords + To your talky "Only General" a quite sensational theme. + But prophecy's not "business," JOHN, and CAESAR should not dream. + + Oh! the world is full of Bogies. _I_'m the biggest of them all + In the minds of many croakers who ne'er saw the Chinese Wall, + But are frightened at the spreading of my kindred--on the map; + For I'm semi-Asiatic, and half Tartar, dear old chap. + + Now put this and that together, think of Pamir, Turkestan, + Of Persia, of the Dardanelles!--I think you'll see, old man, + That though this ramping Dragon _you_ may wish to tie and tame, + A Benevolent Neutrality is rather more _my_ game. + + * * * * * + +A PLAYGOER'S "LAST WORD." + +(_AN ECHO FROM THE PIT._) + + The Season is--_has_ been for some time--silly, + And lengthy correspondences are rife. + We have, alas! to read them willy-nilly; + They take a deal of pleasure out of life. + To flee such evils here's an easy way-- + Let morning dailies idly rant or vapour, + At the Lyceum go and see the play, + The programme there's the finest DALY paper.[2] + +[Footnote 2: A Correspondent, signing himself "A Knight of the Free +Lists," suggests that free admissions to the Lyceum should be known, +during the American Company's season, as "The Best Daly 'Paper.'"] + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A DEPRESSED TEETOTALLER.--"Whine and Water." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAMILY TIES. + +JOHN BULL. "AIN'T YOU GOING TO LEND A HAND?" + +RUSSIA. "WELL, I DON'T KNOW;--YOU SEE HE'S A SORT OF RELATION OF +MINE!!"] + + * * * * * + +TIPPLING SALLY. + +_A SONG OF SORROW ON ZOO SUNDAY._ + + [SALLY, the Chimpanzee (late of the Zoo), is stated to have + "drunk beer daily."] + + Of all the monkeys at the Zoo + There's none like Tippling SALLY. + She was the first who quenched her thirst + Quite al-co-hol-i-cally. + A draught of beer made her not queer, + But seemed her strength to rally. + MORTIMER GRANVILLE well might cheer + Three cheers for Tippling SALLY. + + Of all the days within the week + I chiefly favoured one day, + That was the day when children seek + The rapture called "Zoo Sunday." + For then full drest all in my best + I'd go and visit SALLY, + And see her soothe her hairy breast + So al-co-hol-i-cally! + + But now no more poor SALLY's tricks + With glee fill girl or boy full; + No mug of beer her soul can cheer, + Nor glass of O-be-joyful! + We yet may see some Chimpanzee + With Drink's temptations dally, + To WILFRID's woe; but no, ah! no! + It won't be Tippling SALLY! + + * * * * * + +AN ESSAY IN REVIEWING. + +We are obliged to "Beginner" for the proffered contribution to our +collection of Book Reviews. That is, however, a department of the +paper our noble friend the BARON DE BOOK-WORMS reserves for his own +pen. But as _Mr. Punch_ has never been known to discourage beginners, +he finds room here for the interesting contribution, which perhaps +should more appropriately have been addressed to his _confrere_ at the +office of the _Athenaeum_:-- + +[Illustration] + +_Don Quixote_. By MIGUEL CERVANTES. We have conscientiously plodded +through this voluminous work, which is certainly not entirely without +merit. It purports to recount the daily doings of a resident in a +village of La Mancha (Spain) who, accompanied by a clownish retainer, +went forth in search of adventures. He was not very happy, his day's +sport being invariably rounded oft by a sound drubbing, received +either by himself, his Squire, or both. We wish Lord MACAULAY had +lived to see the publication of this work, and had with fuller leisure +relieved us of the task of reviewing it. Remembering his method of +procedure as illustrated in his article on Dr. NARE's _Memoirs of Lord +Burleigh_, he would doubtless by careful enumeration have been able to +show that from first to last _Don Quixote_ had more ribs broken than +any man has actually possessed since ADAM was privy to a diminution of +their original number. He seems also to have had a perpetual renewal +of teeth, keeping pace with their frequent removal by brute force. As +for the number of legs and arms he had fractured, MACAULAY's Schoolboy +would have shrunk from the task of computing their aggregate. + +These are blemishes upon a work that is, at least, well intentioned, +and which might have been more successful had our author been inclined +to give his hero credit for more acumen. When he represents _Don +Quixote_ as running tilt at windmills under the impression that they +are armed knights, and when he pictures him charging a flock of sheep +in the belief that it is an ordered army, we think he too grossly +trifles with the assumed credulity of his readers. Exaggeration +is, indeed, the bane of a work that, from first page to last, bears +evidence of the drawback of extreme youth on the part of the author. +We have been pleased to notice some indications of humour in the +conversation of _Sancho Panza_. But it is the pennyworth of sack to +an intolerably large quantity of bread. What we have written has been +without desire to discourage Mr. CERVANTES, whom we shall be glad to +meet with again, bringing with him the fruits of unremitted practice +and of maturer views of life. + + * * * * * + +TO ARAMINTA. + +(_AFTER HEARING MR. SAMSON'S LECTURE._) + + ["To keep the family true, refined, affectionate, faithful, + is the woman's task--a task that needs the entire energies and + life of woman; and to mix up this sacred duty with the grosser + occupation of politics and trade, is to unfit her for it + as much as if a priest were to embark in the business of + money-lender."--FREDERIC HARRISON.] + +[Illustration] + + I Prithee, ARAMINTA, hear + What FREDERIC HARRISON has said: + Don't read for College honours, dear, + And put a towel round your head. + Don't sully what should surely be + An unstained soul, with tricks of trade; + Leave stern official work to me, + While you remain a simple maid. + + Don't prate of woman's function, sweet, + Your only duty is to charm; + Leave platform spouting, as is meet, + To men; it cannot do them harm. + Your influence comes from gracious ways, + Your glory in the home doth lie; + The guardian angel of our days, + Until you bless us when we die. + + Don't enter on ignoble strife + With man, 'tis yours to soar above-- + To all the higher things of life, + Divine compassion, and pure love. + 'Tis yours to stimulate, refine, + To win men by a kindly heart; + Not grovel with us where the sign + Of Mammon hangs above the mart. + + Thine is the task to reign supreme + Within the sacred sphere of home; + To make our life one happy dream, + Thine own as spotless as the foam. + To trade, to toil, to head the feast, + To seek the politician's gain, + Were hateful:--ay, as though the priest + Took usury, within the fane! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS owns to being easily affected by a pathetic +episode. He well remembers how years ago in the course of a +discussion among literary men about books and their writers, the Baron +acknowledged that in spite of his having been told how the pathos of +DICKENS was all a trick, and how the sentiment of that great novelist +was for the most part false, he still felt a choking sensation in his +throat and a natural inclination to blow his nose strenuously whenever +he re-read the death of _Little Paul_, the death of _Dora_, and some +passages about _Tiny Tim_. There was no dissentient voice as to +the death of _Colonel Newcome_; all admitted the recurrence of that +peculiar choking sensation, read they their THACKERAY never so often. +Now the Baron differs from _Josh Sedley_ in, as he thinks, many +respects, but he is almost as "easily moved to tears" as was that +stout hero. Wherefore this preface? Well, 'tis because the Baron owns +to having "snivelled," if you will, when reading a delightful story, +published by MACMILLAN in one volume ("bless all good stories in _one_ +vol., clearly printed!" says the Baron, parenthetically), entitled +simply, _Tim_. No relation to _Tiny Tim_ already mentioned; quite +another child. The Baron strongly recommends _this_ story, and +especially to Etonians past and present, as giving a life-like picture +which the latter will recognise, of the career at that great public +school of a fragile little chap entirely unfitted by nature for the +rough and tumble of such a life. The considerate tutor, too, is no +effort of imagination; he exists; and, perhaps, such an one may have +always existed since the division between Collegers and Oppidans +first began. The Baron in his own time, nigh forty years ago, knew +an exceptional species of this rare genus; but there are plenty of +witnesses to the truth of the Etonian portion of _Tim_. "_Tolle, +lege_!" quoth the Baron, and be not ashamed if in reading the latter +portion of the story you have to search for your pocket-handkerchief, +and, glancing furtively around, murmur to yourself, "But soft! I am +observed!" Then when unobserved, "_wipe_ the other eye!" and thank the +unknown author of _Tim_; at the same time not forgetting your guide, +philosopher, and friend, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DESIGN FOR THE POSTER FOR THE NEXT GERMAN EXHIBITION IN +LONDON.] + + * * * * * + +A FALLEN LEADER. + +CHARLES STEWART PARNELL. + +BORN, JUNE 27TH, 1846. DIED, OCTOBER 6TH, 1891. + + "The falcon-crest and plumage gone, + Can that be haughty MARMION?" + +_Sir Walter Scott_. + + Fallen! And not as leaders love to fall, + In battle's forefront, loved and mourned by all; + But fiercely fighting, as for his own hand, + With the scant remnant of a broken band; + His chieftainship, well-earned in many a fray, + Rent from him--by himself! + None did betray + This sinister strong fighter to his foes; + He fell by his own action, as he rose. + He had fought all--himself he could not fight, + Nor rise to the clear air of patient right. + Somewhere his strenuous soul unsoundly rang, + When closely tested. Let the laurels hang + About his tomb, for, with whatever fault, + He led with valour cool a fierce assault + Upon a frowning fortress, densely manned + With strong outnumbering enemies. He planned + Far-seen campaigns apparently forlorn; + He fronted headlong hate and scourging scorn, + Impassively persistent. But the task + Of coldly keeping up the Stoic mask + O'ertaxed him at the last; it fell, and lo! + Another face was bared to friend and foe. + Scarce to his foes will generous judgment lean-- + Foes mean as merciless, and false as mean, + Their poisoned pens, which even softening Death, + Which hate should hush and stifle slander's breath, + May not deprive of venom, prodding still + The unresponsive corse they helped to kill, + Is an ignoble sight. Turn, turn away! + Mean hates pursue the MARMION of our day, + A nobler foe, like DOUGLAS, well may rue + His fall, and sigh, "'Tis pity of him, too!" + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE MOMENT. + +(_BY A MILITANT RADICAL CANDIDATE._) + + Ah! I must trounce the Tory foe, + And love my Toiling neighbour. + The cry with which to fight I go + Is "Labour and _Be_labour!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 2. + +WHEN THE ROAD-CAR STOPS SUDDENLY JUST AS HE IS CAUTIOUSLY DESCENDING +THE STAIRCASE!] + + * * * * * + +THE G.P. AND THE G.P.O. + +(_A DIALOGUE STRICTLY ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT._) + +_General Public_. I am sorry to say the condition of the Postal +Service is really extremely defective. The delay in the delivery of +letters is most annoying. Frequently a note which should be received +in the evening is not obtained until the following morning--proof of +this being given by the post-marks. + +[Illustration] + +_General Post Office_. Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ You are most kind. Next, a telegram despatched from one part +of London to another part, sometimes takes eight hours, and the reason +given is that the counter-clerk has a discretionary power to retain +telegrams until he has what he considers a sufficient supply for the +messenger to take out for delivery. This naturally causes much delay +and consequent inconvenience. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ You are too good. Next, the carelessness at Branch Offices +is extremely irritating. For instance, it is often the case that the +words of telegrams have been altered and changed during transmission. +It is unnecessary to point out that such mistakes are liable to create +annoyance, not to say disaster. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Very many thanks. Then, at offices where females are engaged, +rudeness is very common. Would-be purchasers of postage-stamps are +frequently kept waiting while the clerks chatter to one another about +matters entirely unconnected with the Department. And this habit is +gaining ground in those offices in which male labour is only employed, +especially in the immediate neighbourhood of St. Martin's-le-Grand +itself. It is useless to call attention to this practice, as a simple +denial from an official implicated is accepted by the authorities as +proof (almost) positive of his or her innocence. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Again, thanks for your courtesy. But about these and many other +grievances, the same stereotyped answer has invariably been received. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Exactly! That is the very answer. And it is felt that no other +outcome will result from agitation. It seems utterly impossible to +make the officials in charge realise their responsibility to the +taxpayers. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Of course; the same parrot-cry! And it may be for years, and +it be for ever, before reform is introduced. The probability is, that +the present unsatisfactory condition of affairs may exist at St. +Martin's-le-Grand until the hour of doom. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + + * * * * * + +REFLECTION BY A GENERAL READER. + + I have been reading books wherein 'tis shown + (In diction autocratic, sour, un-civil), + That nothing can be absolutely known, + Save that the Universe is wholly evil! + And even this poor result is only plain + To Genius--which, of course, is quite a rarity. + _I_ should have thought this would have given it pain, + And moved it to both modesty and charity; + But what surprises _me_ (--ZOILUS, to mock sure, + Will whip me with sham-epigrams would-be witty,--) + Is that Agnostics seem so awfully pure, + And Pessimists so destitute of pity. + + * * * * * + +ANNALS OF A WATERING-PLACE + +THAT HAS "SEEN ITS DAY." + +[Illustration] + +The weather which, in Mr. DUNSTABLE's varied experience of +five-and-twenty years, he assures me, has never been so bad, +having at length afforded some indications of "breaking" I make +the acquaintance, through Mrs. COBBLER, of Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, the +Proprietor of the one Bath-chair available for the invalid of +Torsington-on-Sea, who, like myself, stands in need of the salubrious +air of that health-giving resort, but who is ordered by his medical +adviser to secure it with the least possible expenditure of physical +strength. + +[Illustration: A Mess Dinner.] + +Both Mr. WISTERWHISTLE and his chair are peculiar in their respective +ways, and each has a decided history. Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, growing +confidential over his antecedents, says, "You see, Sir, I wasn't +brought up to the Bath-chair business, so to speak, for I began in the +Royal Navy, under His Majesty King WILLIAM THE FOURTH. Then I took to +the Coast-Guard business, and having put by a matter of thirty pound +odd, and hearing 'she' was in the market,"--Mr. WISTERWHISTLE always +referred to his Bath-chair as "she," evidently regarding it from the +nautical stand-point as of the feminine gender,--"and knowing, saving +your presence, Sir, that old BLOXER, of whom I bought her, had such +a good crop of cripples the last season or two, that he often touched +two-and-forty shillings a-week with 'em, I dropped Her Majesty's +Service, and took to this 'ere. But, Lor, Sir, the business ain't wot +it wos. Things is changed woeful at Torsington since I took her up. +Then from 9 o'clock, as you might say, to 6 P.M., every hour was +took up; and, mind you, by real downright 'aristocracy,'--real live +noble-men, with gout on 'em, as thought nothink of a two hours' +stretch, and didn't 'aggle, savin' your presence, over a extra +sixpence for the job either way. But, bless you, wot's it come to now? +Why, she might as well lay up in a dry dock arf the week, for wot's +come of the downright genuine invalid, savin' your presence, blow'd +if I knows. One can see, of course, Sir, in arf a jiffy, as you +is touched in the legs with the rheumatics, or summat like it; but +besides you and a old gent on crutches from Portland Buildings, there +ain't no real invalid public 'ere at all, and one can't expect to +make a livin' out of you two; for if you mean to do the thing ever +so 'ansome, it ain't reasonable to expect you and the old gent I was +a referring to, to stand seven hours a day goin' up and down the +Esplanade between you, and you see even that at a bob an hour ain't +no great shakes when you come to pay for 'ousing her and keepin' her +lookin' spic and span, with all her brass knobs a shining and her +leather apron fresh polished with patent carriage blackin': and Lor, +Sir, you'd not b'lieve me if I was to tell you what a deal of show +some parties expects for their one bob an hour. Why, it was only the +other day that Lady GLUMPLEY (a old party with a front of black curls +and yaller bows in her bonnet, as I dare say you've noticed me a +haulin' up and down the Parade when the band's a playin'), says to +me, says she, 'It ain't so much the easy goin' of your chair, Mr. +WISTERWHISTLE, as makes me patronise it, as its general genteel +appearance. For there's many a chair at Brighton that can't hold a +candle to it!'" But at this point he was interrupted by the appearance +of a dense crowd that half filled the street, and drew up in silent +expectation opposite my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten +I had sent for him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has +returned, and brought with him _the One Policeman_! + + * * * * * + +THE BOY THE FATHER OF THE MAN. + +(_A CHAPTER FROM A SEA STORY OF THE FUTURE._) + +"Lash the lubber to the top-gallant yard and give him five hundred +with the cat o' ninetails!" shouted the pirate Captain, blue with +passion. + +There was a murmur amongst his crew. Because their messmate had +forgotten to touch his cap, it seemed hard to their poor untutored +minds he should receive so heavy a punishment. + +"What, mutiny!" cried the ruffian skipper, "here take this and this +and this!" and he distributed the contents of his revolver amongst the +sailors aft. + +In the meanwhile, the poor wretch was hanging to the topgallant yard, +expecting every moment to be his last. + +"A sail, Sir," said the boatswain, saluting, as he mounted to the +quarter-deck. + +"Get ready the torpedoes, and serve out per man a hundredweight of +smokeless powder cartridges. We shall have rough work." Then he added, +"By the way, what is the time?" + +"About half-past two, Sir," returned the other, and then, as his +Captain made an unsuccessful grab, he muttered, "No you don't!" + +The ship in pursuit came on apace, and soon the two vessels were +yard-arm to yard-arm engaged in mortal combat. For a while the +confusion was so great that it was impossible to say what would be the +upshot. But a fortunate torpedo sent the pirate craft to the bottom, +and of all her crew, only the skipper survived. He was brought (loaded +with chains) before his conqueror. + +"Well, you scoundrel," said the British Captain, "have you anything to +urge in your defence before we prepare you for your execution?" + +"What would be the good?" was the sulky reply. "I know my fate." + +"That voice, those husky tones," exclaimed the epauletted +representative of the English Admiralty; "surely I know them. They +bring back painful recollections. Show your face, Sirrah!" + +"Why should I?" queried the conquered Chief. "It won't do me any +good!" + +But at a gesture of the British Captain, his prisoner was seized, and +his face forcibly washed. + +"What, BILLY TOMPKINS!" murmured the Briton, "and we meet again like +this!" + +"Yes," answered the other, "and it can't be helped. You have your duty +to perform, and so have I. Do your worst!" + +"But, BILLY, you were not always like this!" + +"No, JACK, I was not. Once I used to prattle at my mother's knee. I +was beloved by my brothers and sisters, and I was the pride of the +nursery!" + +And then the strong man broke down, and wept bitterly. + +"But have you not fallen very low?" asked the British Captain, gently. + +"Indeed I have! I am a thief, a liar, a scoundrel--and, in fact, a +blackguard!" + +"With such surroundings," returned the Officer R.N., pointing to +the _debris_ of the pirate craft, "it is difficult to dispute your +contention. Indeed, you are a blackguard! But to what cause do you +owe your fall?" + +"To my early training." + +"I do not comprehend you. Your early training! Where were you +trained?" + +"In the _Britannia_!" + +And then the British Captain completely understood the situation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY. + +(_At the close of the German Exhibition._) + +_West Kensington Cuirassier_. "NOW OI WONDER WHAT KOIND OF AN 'ERO +OI'LL 'AVE TO BE NEXT YEAR?"] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. 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