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diff --git a/14053-0.txt b/14053-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7946feb --- /dev/null +++ b/14053-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1382 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14053 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +October 17, 1891. + + + + +THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST. + + SCENE--_The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine + constructed to reveal the character and future of a person + according to the colour of his or her hair, for the small + consideration of one penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are + examining it._ + +_First Pleasure-seeker_ (_a sprightly young lady of the name of +LOTTIE_). "Put in a penny and get a summary of your character from the +colour of your 'air." I wonder what they'll 'ave _next_! + +_Second Pl.-s._ (_her admirer, a porridge-faced young man with pink +eyelids and faming hair, addressed as 'ECTOR by his intimates_). Ah, +it's surprising how far they've got, it reelly is. And beginning with +butter-scotch, too! + +_Aunt Maria_. Come on, do--you don't want to waste no more time over +that rubbidge! + +_Fourth Pl.-s._ (_a lanky youth, with pale hair and a receding chin, +to his fiancée_). Hadn't we better be making a move if we're going to +'ear the band, CARRIE? + +_Carrie_. I shall move on when I _like_, without your leave, FREDDY; +so make no mistake. + +_Freddy_. Oh, _I_'m in no 'urry. I only thought your Aunt was +getting--but don't mind me. [CARRIE _does not mind him._ + +_Dolph_. (_the funny man of the party_). 'Old on a bit! I've got some +coppers. I'm going to sample this concern. I'll put in for all of +you--it's _my_ treat, this is. We'll begin with Aunt MARIA. What +colour do you call _your_ 'air now? I don't see any slot marked +"cawfy-colour." + +_Aunt Maria_. Never _you_ mind what colour my 'air is--it's a pity you +can't find a better use for your pennies. + +_Dolph_. (_inserting a penny in a slot marked "Light Brown"_). 'Ere +goes, the oracle's working. (_The machine emits a coloured card._) +Listen to what it says about Aunt MARIA. She is--"tender-'arted." Jest +what I've always said of her! "A little 'asty in her temper"--'ullo, +must be a 'itch in the machinery, _there_!--"neither obstinate nor +'aughty"--(_A snort from Aunt MARIA at this_)--"her inclination to +love never unreasonable." 'Ow _like_ her! "Frolicsome, inclined to +flirt and sometimes mischievous." You _giddy_ little thing! Up to +all your little tricks, this machine is! "Fertile in imagination, +domesticated, thoughtful and persevering"--There's Aunt MARIA for yer! + +_General Chorus_. Good old Aunt MARIA! + +_Dolph_. There's a prophecy on blue paper from _Napoleon's Book of +Fate_, gratis. (_Reads._) "Thy 'oroscope forewarns thee of a loss if +thou lendest thy money." Just when I was going to borrow arf-a-crown +off of her too! + +_Aunt Maria_. Ah, I didn't want no machine for _that_. 'Ow you can +patronise such rubbidge, _I_ don't know! Tellin' characters by the +colour of your 'air, indeed--it's told _mine_ all wrong, anyhow! + +_Dolph_. Well, you see, your 'air's so natural it would deceive _any_ +machine! [_Movement on part of Aunt MARIA._ + +_Lottie_. Put in for 'ECTOR next, DOLPH, do. I want to hear what it +says about him. + +_Dolph_. They don't keep _his_ colour in stock--afraid o' losing their +insurance policy. "Red or orbun's" the nearest they can get to +it. (_He puts in a penny in the "Red" slot._) Here's old 'ECTOR. +(_Reads._) "The Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless +disposition, constantly roving." Keep your eye on him, LOTTIE! +"Impatient and fiery in temper"--_'Old_ 'im, two of yer?--"but for all +that, is kind and loving." You _needn't_ 'old him--it's all right. "He +is passionately fond of the fair sex." What _all_ of 'em, 'ECTOR? +I'm ashamed of yer! "He is inclined to timidity"--Oo'd ha' thought +it?--"but by reflection may correct it and pass for a man of courage." +You start reflecting at _once_, old chap! + +_'Ector_ (_ominously, to LOTTIE_). If DOLPH don't mind what he's +about, he'll go too far some day! + + [_He breathes hard, then thinks better of it._ + +_Dolph_. Now it's CARRIE's turn. "Leave you out?" Couldn't think of +it. Brown 'air, CARRIE's is. (_He puts in a penny._) "A Lady with +'air of a medium brown colour, long and smooth"--_Is_ your 'air long +though, CARRIE? + +_Carrie_ (_with pride_). I should hope so--I can set on it. + +_Dolph_. That's nothing! So can Aunt MARIA set on _hers_! (_With a +glance at that Lady's very candid "front."_) _Can't_ you, Auntie, +eh? If you make a effort? + +_Aunt Maria_ (_with dignity_). I'll thank you to 'ave the goodness +to drop your sauce, Mr. ADOLPHUS GAGGS; it's out of place and not +appreciated, I can assure you! [_She walks away._ + +_Dolph_. (_surprised_). Why, there's Aunt MARIA got the 'ump--for a +little thing like _that_! Let me finish with CARRIE. (_Reads._) "She +is of an intellectual turn of mind." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from FREDDY._) +"Very fond of reading." Takes in _Sloper's 'Alf 'Oliday_ regular! +"Steadfast in her engagements." 'Ullo, CARRIE! + +_Carrie_ (_firing up_). Well, have you anything to say against that? +You'd better take care, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. I was only thinking. Sure you haven't been squaring this +machine? Ah, it tells you some 'ome truths here--"Although inquisitive +and fond of prying into the secrets of others--" Now however did it +know _that_? + +_Carrie_. It isn't there--you're making it up! + + [_She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it up._ + +_Dolph_. Temper--temper! Never mind. Now we'll try FREDDY. What's his +shade of 'air? I should say about the colour of spoilt 'ay, if I was +asked. + +_Carrie_ (_with temper_). You're _not_ asked, so you needn't give your +opinion! + +_Dolph_. Well, keep _your_ 'air on, my dear girl, and we'll call +FREDDY's "Fair." (_Reading card._) "A gentleman with this colour of +hair will be assiduous in his occupation--" + +_Carrie_ (_warmly_). What a shame! I'm _sure_ he isn't. _Are_ you, +FREDDY? [_FREDDY smiles vaguely._ + +_Dolph_. "Not given to rambling,"--Except in his 'ed,--"very moderate +in his amorous wishes, his mind much given to reflection, inclined to +be 'asty-tempered, and, when aroused,"--'Ere, somebody, rouse FREDDY, +quick!--"to use adjectives." Mustn't use 'em _'ere_, FREDDY! "But if +reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased." Pat his 'ed, CARRIE, will +yer? "Has plenty of bantering humour." (_Here FREDDY grins feebly._) +Don't he _look_ it too! "Should study his diet." That means his +grub, and he works 'ard enough at that! "He has a combination of good +commercial talents, which, if directed according to the reflection +of the sentiments, will make him tolerably well off in this world's +goods." + +_Carrie_ (_puzzled_). What's it torking about _now_? + +_Dolph_. Oh, it on'y means he's likely to do well in the cat's-meat +line. Now for your fortune, FREDDY. "It will be through marriage that +your future will be brightened." + +_Carrie_ (_pleased_). Lor, FREDDY, think o' that! + +_Dolph_. Think _twice_ of it, FREDDY, my boy. Now we'll be off and get +a drink. + +_Carrie_. Wait. We haven't got _your_ character yet, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. Oh, mine--they couldn't give that for a penny. Too good, yer +know! + +_Carrie_. If they haven't got it, it's more likely they're afraid it +would break the machine. I'm going to put in for you under "Black." +(_She does._) Here we are. (_Reads._) "The gentleman will be much +given to liquor." Found out first time, you see, Mr. GAGGS! + +_Dolph_. (_annoyed_). Come, no personalities now. Drop all that! + +_Carrie_. "Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled temper; more +decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, and consequently +meets with many disappointments. Such gentlemen"--now you listen to +this, Mr. GAGGS!--"will now know their weaknesses, which should induce +them to take steps to improve themselves." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from the +rest of the party._) "Knowledge is power, and enables us to overcome +many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey to." This is your +fortune. "Thou art warned to be careful what thou drinkest!" Well, +they do seem to _know_ you, I must say! + +_Dolph_. (_in a white rage_). I tell you what it is, Miss CARRIE +BICKERTON, you appear to me to be turning a 'armless joke into a +mejium for making nasty spiteful insinuations, and I, for one, am not +going to put up with it, whatever others may! So, not being partial +to being turned into redicule and made to look a fool in company, I'll +leave you to spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish you +a very good-night! + + [_He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the party + stupefied._ + +_'Ector_. (_with mild regret_). It do seem a pity though, so pleasant +as we were together, till this come up! + +_Freddy_. And CARRIE's Aunt MARIA. gone off in a tantrum, too. We +shall have a job to find _'er_ now! + +_Lottie and Carrie_. Oh, _do_ hold your tongues, both of you. You and +your automatic machines! + +_'Ector and Freddy_. _Our_ automatic machines! Why, we never-- + +_Lottie and Carrie_. If you say one word more, either of you, we'll +go home! [_FREDDY and 'ECTOR follow them meekly in search of Aunt +MARIA as the Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +VOICES OF THE NIGHT. + +(_IN FLEET STREET._) + + Oh raucous street--"_Echo_," whose vile _vox clamantis_ + Is, like the Salvationist's shout, heard a mile hence, + I wish, _how_ I wish,--ah! yes, that what we want is!-- + Some Cockney Narcissus could charm you to silence. + Ah, me! no such luck; in the clear autumn twilight + Your shriek on my tympanum stridently jars. + "_Echo_" murders repose, mars the daffodil sky light; + And if one thing sounds worse 'tis "the Voice of the _Stars_"! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUST CAUGHT THE POST!] + +_Sir J-m-s F-rg-ss-n loquitur_:-- + + Just in time to catch the Post! + Pheugh! But the Pats would have "had me on toast" + (As 'ARRY would say in his odious slang), + If I had been but a little bit later. + Out o' breath as it is. Ah, hang + This hurrying business! My mouth's like a crater, + Dreadfully dry, and doosedly hot. + Rather a downer, this is, for SCOTT's lot! + Feared Mrs. Manchester _might_ just say + (In the popular patter of my young day) + "_It is all very well_ (with a wink and a jeer), + _But you_, Master FERGUSSON, _don't lodge here!_" + All right now, though! Saved my bacon. + My defeat might the Cause have shaken. + Just in time. There! Popped it in! + Awfully glad it conveys a Win; + Although One Fifty ain't _much_ to boast,-- + 'Twixt you and me and the (General) Post! + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM HENRY SMITH. + +BORN, JUNE 24, 1825. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1891. + + O'er-busy Death, your scythe of late seems reaping + Swiftly our heads of State; + The wise who hold our England's weal in keeping, + The gentle and the great. + + GRANVILLE is gone; and now another Warden + Falls with the fading leaf, + Leaving at Hatfield sorrow, and at Hawarden + Scarcely less earnest grief. + + All mourn the Man whose simple steadfast spirit + Made hearty friends of all. + Whilst manhood like to his her sons inherit + England need fear no fall. + + No high-perched, privileged and proud possessor + Of lineal vantage he; + Of perorating witchery no professor, + Or casuist subtlety. + + A capable, clear-headed, modest toiler, + Touched with no egoist taint, + To Duty sworn, the face of the Despoiler + Made him not fear or faint. + + O'erworn, o'erworked, with smiling face, though weary, + The tedious task he plied. + Sagacious, courteous, ever calm and cheery + Unsoured by spleen or pride. + + As unprovocative as unpretentious, + Skilful though seeming-slow; + Unmoved by impulse of conceit contentious + To risk success for show. + + O rare command of gifts, which, common-branded, + Are yet so strangely rare! + Selflessness patient, judgment even-handed + And spirit calmly fair! + + Lost to his friends their worth may now be measured + By the strong sense of loss. + How "OLD MORALITY's" memory will be treasured, + Midst faction's pitch-and-toss. + + But England which has instincts above Party + Most mourns the Man, now gone, + Who gave to Duty an allegiance hearty + As that of WELLINGTON. + + Sure "the gaunt figure of the old Field-Marshal"[1] + Would his successor praise; + As modest, as unselfish, as impartial, + Though fallen on calmer days. + + No glittering hero, but when England numbers + Patriots of worth and pith, + His name shall sound, who after suffering slumbers, + Plain WILLIAM HENRY SMITH! + +[Footnote 1: LONGFELLOW's "_The Warden of the Cinque Ports_."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS. + +"I WANT A NICE TIE, FOR A WEDDING. CAN YOU RECOMMEND ME ONE?" + +"CERTAINLY, SIR. A--ER--_PRINCIPAL_ GUEST, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +A ROMANCE IN NUMBERS. + +As we announced last week, the _Gentlewoman_ proposes for publication +"the most extraordinary novel of modern times"--a tale which is to be +written chapter by chapter, week after week, by well-known writers of +fiction, without consultation with their collaborateurs. We did the +same thing years ago. However, as the notion is still calculated +to amuse and instruct our readers, we subjoin a short story, which +has been written on the same terms by the entire strength of a +paper--political, sporting, and social. It will be found below. + +WHAT? WHO? AND WHICH? + +(_A JOINT STOCK MYSTERY._) + +_Political Writer commences_.--Yes, EUSTACE entered the House prepared +to vote for the Government. He knew that Lady FLORA had counted upon +his vote in support of her father, the Duke, and the other Members of +the Opposition. But when did love outweigh duty? EUSTACE knew that +the prosperity of the entire country depended upon his views. With +the price of corn falling, with the Russian Bear on the prowl, growing +nearer and nearer to our Afghan frontier, with the unsettled state of +the South American Republics, he knew that only one course was open to +him. + +"FLORA, darling," he said to the fair girl, as he paced by her side in +the Lobby, "believe me, I will do anything to help you; but what _can_ +I do?" + +_Sporting Writer continues_.--"What can you do?" she echoed, with a +hearty laugh, as she struck her riding-habit smartly with her whip; +"why, tell me the horse you fancy for the Cambridgeshire!" + +He thought for a moment. He knew the good points of _Bobby_, and was +rather partial to _Rosina_; but nothing wrong with _Snuffbox_, the +stable reports were favourable. Still, you can't always rely upon what +you see, much less what you hear. + +"Lady," said he, at length, "if you take my advice, you will back +nothing until they go to the post." + +_Continuation by French Correspondent_.--They had no further time for +parley, because the mail train left for Dover within the hour. So they +hurried to Victoria, and in less than eight hours were in the Capital +of the World. + +Ah, Paris, beautiful Paris! They enjoyed the balmy air as they drove +through the awaking streets to the Grand Hotel. As they entered the +courtyard they met the President. + +"Is it really true that the Germans refuse to take up the Russian +Loan?" asked EUSTACE of the First Frenchman in France. + +"I would not say this to anyone but yourself," replied M. CARNOT, +looking round to see that no one was listening; "but those who wait +longest will see best!" + +And with his finger to his mouth in token of discretion and silence, +he disappeared. EUSTACE and his fair companion hastened to the +telegraph office. + +_Scientific Writer takes it up_.--They were, of course, desirous of +transmitting their important despatch to head-quarters. + +"You want to know upon what system the telephone is worked?" queried +the operator, as he prepared a black-board, and took up a piece of +chalk. They bowed acquiescence. "You must know," said he, "that if we +represent the motive-power by _x_, we shall--." + +_Lady Correspondent turned on_.--Before he could complete his +sentence, Lady FLORA uttered a cry. + +"What a charming gown! Why, it is the prettiest I have seen in my +life!" and she gazed with increasing delight at the lady beneath on +the boulevard. Then she began to explain the costume to her two male +companions. She showed them that an under-skirt of snuff, with a waist +of orange-blue, both made of some soft fluffy material (which can be +obtained, by the way, at Messrs. SOWE AND SOWE), made an admirable +contrast. + +_Naval Correspondent puts finishing touch_.--[_Please end up +briskly_.--ED.].--And they left Paris, and embarking on H.M.S. +_Ramrod_, met a gale, and foundered. When they were picked up they +were both dead.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. IV.--TO POMPOSITY. + +YOUR EXCELLENCY, + +How difficult it is to succeed in giving pleasure. When I addressed +you recently, I honestly intended to gratify you by the adoption of +a tone of easy familiarity. Surely, I thought to myself, I cannot be +wrong if I address my friend POMPOSITY by his name, and speak to him +in a chatty rather than in an inflated style. If I chose the latter, +might he not think that I was poking fun at him by cheap parody, +and manifest his displeasure by bringing a host of BULMERS about my +ears? These considerations prevailed with me, and the result was the +letter you received. But, _O pectora cæca_! I have learnt from an +authoritative source that you are displeased. You resent, it seems, +what you are pleased to term my affectation of intimacy, and you beg +for a style of greater respect in any future communications. So be it. +I have pondered for hours, and have eventually come to the conclusion +that I shall best consult your wishes by addressing you in a manner +suited to diplomatic personages of importance. I have noticed that +in their official intercourse these gentlemen move on stilts of the +most rigid punctilio, and I have often pictured to myself the glow +of genuine pride which must suffuse the soul of an ambassador or a +foreign Minister when, for the first time, he finds himself styled an +Excellency. It may be of course that he knows himself to be anything +rather than excellent, but he will keep that knowledge to himself, +stowed away in some remote corner of his mind, and never on any +account allowed to interfere with his enjoyment of the ignorant and +empty compliments that others pay him. + +[Illustration] + +I wish to ask you a simple question. Why do you render those who spend +their lives in your service so extremely ridiculous? That may be just +the fashion of your humour; but is it fair to persist as you do? There +is, for instance, my old friend BENJAMIN CHUMP, little BEN CHUMP as +we used to call him in the irreverent days, before his face had turned +purple or his waistcoat had prevented him from catching stray glimpses +of his patent-leathered toes. Little BEN was not made for the country, +that was certain. A life of Clubs and dinner-parties would have suited +him to perfection. In his Club he could always pose before a select +and, it must be added, a dwindling circle as a man of influence. +"There is no Club, however watched and tended, but one dread bore +is there." BEN might have developed into a prime bore, but as he was +plentifully supplied with money and had a good cook and a pleasant +wife, he would always have managed to gather round him plenty of +guests who would have forgiven him his elaborate platitudes, for the +sake of his admirable made-dishes. Suddenly, however, he resolved to +become a country gentleman. As there is no law to prevent a CHUMP +from turning into a squire, BEN had not to wait very long before he +was able to put his fatal resolve into execution. He purchased an +Elizabethan mansion, and descended with all his airs and belongings +upon the unhappy country-side which he had decided to make the scene +of his rural education. Before that I used to see him constantly. +After that I quite lost sight of him. Occasionally I read paragraphs +in weekly papers about immense festivities due to the enterprise of +the CHUMPS, and from time to time I received local papers containing +long accounts of hunt breakfasts, athletic sports, the roasting of +whole oxen, and other such stirring country incidents in which it +appeared that the CHUMPS took a prominent part. I will do BEN the +credit to say that he never omitted to mark with broad red pencil +those parts which referred specially to himself, or reported any +speech he may have happened to make. + +Eventually that which I dreaded came about. Circumstances made it +impossible for me to refuse an invitation to Carchester Manor, and +on a certain evening in the first week of December I found myself a +guest under the roof of the CHUMPS. The entertainment provided was, I +am bound to say, magnificent. Every want that the most exacting guest +could feel was supplied almost before he had expressed it, and all +that gorgeous rooms, stately retainers and irreproachable cooking +could do to secure our comfort was done at Carchester Manor. But CHUMP +himself was on that first evening the grandest spectacle of all. He +overpowered me. Like some huge Spanish galleon making her way with +bellying sails and majestic progress amidst a fleet of cockle-shells, +so did CHUMP bear himself amidst his party. The neighbouring magnates +came to meet us. Lord and Lady AGINCOURT with their charming daughter +Lady MABEL POICTIERS, Sir GEORGE BUCKWHEAT and his wife, the Reverend +Canon and Mrs. CATSPAW, and a host of others were there to do CHUMP +honour. I thought of POLYCRATES and his ring and of other well-known +examples. Something I knew must happen to disturb this edifice of +pompous grandeur. The something was not long in coming, for just after +CHUMP had expatiated at immense length upon the vintages of France, +after he had offered to stock the failing cellars of Lord AGINCOURT +from his own, after the butler had, with due parade, placed two corks +at his master's side in token of the treat that was to follow, it was +discovered by little BILLY SILTZER, an impudent dog without veneration +or reticence, that _both_ the bottles of _Pontet Canet_ were +disgustingly corked. To my relief, but to CHUMP's discomfiture, BILLY +announced his discovery. "BEN, my boy," he shouted across the table, +"the moths have been at this tap of wine. I'm afraid his Lordship +won't care to take it off your hands." BEN became blue with suppressed +fury. The trembling butler obeyed his angry summons. "Take that stuff +away," said BEN, "and drink it yourself. Bring fresh wine at once." +But, alas, for wasted indignation, no more _Pontet Canet_ was +forthcoming, and we had to satisfy ourselves on a wine whose +inferiority no flourish of trumpets could disguise. + +Now there is nothing in the accident of a corked bottle that ought +to crush a man. I have seen a host rise serenely after such an +occurrence, and nobody dreamt of imputing it to him for wickedness. +But the contrast between the magniloquence of poor BEN and the deadly +failure of his wine, was too great. Even Lady MABEL, a kind girl +without affectations, could not forbear a smile when the incident was +narrated to her in the drawing-room, and some of the other guests, +whose names I charitably refrain from mentioning, seemed quite radiant +with pleasure at the misfortune of their host. CHUMP, however, was not +long in recovering, and before many hours had passed, he was assuring +us in the smoking-room, that he proposed to establish sport in his +particular district on a broad and enduring basis. On the following +morning there was a lawn-meet at the Manor, and, as I'm a living +sinner, our wretched host was flung flat on his back before the eyes +of all the neighbouring sportsmen and sportswomen by a fiery chestnut +which he bought for £400 from a well-known dealer. What became of him +during the rest of the day I know not. Indeed I shrink from continuing +the story of his ridiculous humiliations, and I merely desire to +remark that if this be your Excellency's manner of rewarding those +who serve you, I pray that I may be for ever preserved from your +patronage. + +So much, then, for BENJAMIN. In spite of everything I have a sort of +sneaking regard for the poor man, especially since I discovered that +he was not a free agent, but was inspired in word and action by your +blatant influence. Were it not that I feared to weary you, I might +proceed at much greater length. I might parade before you regiment +upon regiment of pompous local magnates and political nobodies all +drilled and disciplined by your offensive methods, and all of them +as absurd and preposterous as they can be made. But the spectacle +would only move you to derision. One point, however, I must insist +on. Whatever you do, don't throw JOSHUA POSER across my path again. +I might do him an injury. We were at College together, he being my +senior by a year. Even then he always assumed a condescension towards +me, an air as of one who temporarily stepped down from a pedestal to +mingle with common grovellers. He became a personage in the City, +a Chairman and a Director of Companies, and I lost sight of him. +Yesterday I met him, and he was good enough to address me. "Yes, +yes," he observed, "I remember you well. I have read some of your +contributions to periodical literature, and I can honestly say I +was pleased; yes, I was pleased. Of course the work is unequal, +and I marked one or two passages that might have been omitted with +advantage. For instance, the discussion between the vicar and the +family doctor is not quite in the most refined taste, but there is +distinct promise even in that. By the way, why don't you write in _The +New Congeries_? Your style would suit it. I always take that paper in, +and I find it very much appreciated in the pantry. The butler reads +it, when we have done with it, and passes it on to the footman. It +keeps them out of mischief. Now take my advice, and contribute to +that." I humbly murmured my thanks to this intolerable person, and +left him. As I turned away I half thought I heard the sound of your +Excellency's bellows in the neighbourhood of POSER. Was I wrong? + + I remain (merely in an epistolary sense), + Your Excellency's humble servant, + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE TITLE FOR MR. ANDREW LANG.--The Folk-Loreate. + + * * * * * + +"AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM!" + +(_A PENDANT TO MR. WILLIAM WATSON'S "THE KEY-BOARD."_) + + Five-and-thirty black slaves, + Half-a-hundred white. + All their duty but to make + Shindy day and night, + Now with throats of thunder, + Now with clattering lips, + While she thumps them cruelly + With stretched finger-tips. + + When she quits the chamber + All the slaves are dumb, + Dumb with rapture, till the Minx + Back shall come to strum, + Dumb the throats of thunder, + Hushed chromatic skips, + Lacking all the torturing + Of strained finger-tips. + + Dusky slaves and pallid, + Ebon slaves and white, + When Minx mounts her music-stool + Neighbours fly with fright. + Ah, the bass's thunder! + Oh, the treble's trips! + Eugh, the horrid tyrannies + Of corned finger-tips! + + Silent, silent, silent, + All your janglings now; + Notes false-chorded, slithering slaps, + Pedal-aided row! + Where is Minx, we wonder? + Ah! those scrambling skips! + Back she's come to torture us + With her finger-tips! + + * * * * * + +CHARLEMAGNE AND I. + +_Aix-la-Chapelle, Monday_.--CHARLEMAGNE was doubtless well advised +in selecting this town for his residence. However that be, it is not +a matter for us to dogmatise about. I have heard a lamented friend, +suddenly and all too soon lost, say there are few things more +regrettable than the tendency of the present age to review the actions +of great men, not lost but gone before, and to pass judgment upon them +without having enjoyed the opportunity of hearing what they might have +to say in justification or palliation of the proceedings challenged. + +That is true and tersely put. Still I may observe that if C. lived +at this period and had his choice, say between Aix-la-Chapelle and +Homburg or Aix-les-Bains, it is doubtful whether he would have +built his cathedral here. Unlike the two latter watering-places, +Aix-la-Chapelle has other fish to boil besides the invalids who come +hither attracted by the fame of its hot springs. It is a manufacturing +town, and has all the characteristics of one. At Homburg or +Aix-les-Bains you walk up a street, turn a corner and find yourself +among pine-trees, or in a smiling valley with a blue lake blinking +at the sun. Here the baths are in the centre of the town, and, like +a certain starling, you feel you "can't get out." + +But invalids musn't be choosers, and if RUSTEM ROOSE sends you +to Aix-la-Chapelle--he's always sending somebody somewhere--to +la-Chapelle you must carry your Aix, in the hope that you may leave +them there. + +"I wonder," said the Member for SARK, who as usual is grumbling round, +"if the local female population was less unlovely in CHARLEMAGNE's +time? Probably, since he married with a frequency not excelled by our +HENRY VIII. But what was HILDEGARDE like--HILDEGARDE, his favourite +spouse? If she in any way resembled the women who throng the streets +of Aix-la-Chapelle to-day, C.'s lot was not a happy one. Never in any +city, in either hemisphere, have I suffered such a nightmare of ugly +ill-dressed women as is here found." + +That is a most unfair and unjustifiable remark to make. Brimstone +evidently does not agree with SARK who is more disagreeable than ever. +The only thing that has touched his stony nature since he came to Aix +is the unselfish devotion of the local aristocracy to the interests +of the town. Visitors mustering in the Elisengarten for their +morning cups, notice the group of musicians in the orchestra by the +entrance-gate. Every man wears a top-hat, the only head-gear of the +kind seen in Aix. SARK, attracted by this peculiarity, made inquiries, +and learned from an intelligent native that these are nobles in +disguise, who, desirous of contributing to the common weal, turn out +at seven every morning to play the band. They are willing to sink all +social distinctions, save that they _will_ wear the cylindrical hat of +civilisation. Not comfortable, especially in wet weather; but it adds +an air of distinction to the group. + +"Very nice of them," SARK grudgingly admits; "but"--he must have +the compensation of a sneer--"imagine our House of Lords forming +themselves into groups to play the band in Palace Yard, with HALSBURY +wielding the mace by way of _bâton_! They'd never do it, TOBY, even in +top-hats. Germany's miles ahead of us in this matter." + +Sorry to find Squire of MALWOOD, who spent a morning here on his way +to Wiesbaden, agreeing in SARK's view of the standard of female beauty +at Aix. + +"Strange," he mused, "that Nature never makes an ugly flower or tree +or blade of grass; and yet, when it comes to men and women, behold!" +and he swept a massive arm round the blighted scene in the crowded +Kaiserplatz. + +A small boy who thought the beneficent stranger in blue serge was +chucking pfennings about the Square, careered wildly round in search +of the treasure. We walked on without undeceiving him. To quote again +from an old friend: "There is nothing more conducive to the production +and maintenance of a healthy mind in a sound body than enterprise and +industry, even when, owing to misapprehension or miscalculation, their +exercise leads to no immediate reward." + +It had been quite a surprise one morning to find the SQUIRE striding +into the coffee-room at "Nuellens." + +"Thought you were down at Malwood," I said, "looking after your flocks +and herds, your brocoli and your spring onions." + +[Illustration: + + Ask why was made the gem so small + And why so huge the granite? + Because 'twas meant that men should set + The larger value on it. +] + +"So I had hoped to be," he said, as we strolled up and down under the +trees in the Elisengarten. "But the fact is, TOBY, dear boy, I could +not stand the weather. I am of a sensitive nature, and it cut me to +the heart to see cold winds nipping the fruit and trees, the flood of +rain beating down the corn, the oats, and the mangel-wurzel. People +make a mistake about me. They regard me as an ambitious politician, +caring for nothing but the House of Commons and the world of +politics. At heart I am an agriculturist. Give me three acres and +a cow--anybody's, I don't care--and I will settle down in peace and +quietness, remote from political strife, never turning an ear to +listen to the roll of battle at Westminster. I am often distraught +between the attractions of interludes in the lives of CINCINNATUS +and of WILLIAM OF ORANGE's great Minister. Of the two I think I am +more drawn towards the rose-garden at Sheen than by CINCINNATUS's +unploughed land. Before I die I should like to create a new rose and +call it 'The Grand Old Man.'" + +Quite a revelation this of the true inwardness of the SQUIRE. Would +astonish some people in London, I fancy, if ever I were to mention +this conversation. But, to quote once more from a revered authority: +"We all live a dual life, and are not actually that which, upon +cursory regard, the passer-by believes us to be. Every gentleman, in +whatever part of the House he may sit, has a skeleton in the cupboard +of his valet." + +The SQUIRE stayed here only a morning, passing on to other scenes. +I watched his departure with mingled feelings; sorrow at losing a +delightful companion, and apprehension of what might happen if he +were to remain here to go through the full cure. The place is, as SARK +says, the most brimstony on the same level. You breathe brimstone, +drink it, bathe in it, and take it in at the pores. At the end +of three weeks or a month you are dangerously saturated with the +chemical. An ordinary lucifer match is nothing to a full-bodied +patient at the end of three weeks treatment at Aix-la-Chapelle. If the +SQUIRE had stayed on, I should never have seen his towering frame pass +underneath a doorway without my heart leaping to my mouth. Some day he +would have accidentally struck his head against the lintel and would +have ignited as sure as a gun. + +If CHARLEMAGNE were now alive, I feel certain from what I know of him, +he would have exhausted the resources of civilisation in search of a +preventive of this ever-present and dangerous risk. Under CAROLO MAGNO +the patient might have gone about the streets of Aix-la-Chapelle with +sweet carelessness, knowing that, however much brimstone he carried, +he would strike only on the box. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD. + +"AND HOW DID YOU LIKE SWITZERLAND?" + +"OH, IMMENSELY! IT WAS OUR FIRST VISIT, YOU KNOW!" + +"AND DID YOU GO ON INTO ITALY?" + +"WELL, NO. WE FOUND A HOTEL AT LAUSANNE WHERE THERE WAS A FIRST-RATE +TENNIS-LAWN, YOU KNOW--QUITE AS GOOD AS OURS AT HOME. SO WE SPENT THE +WHOLE OF OUR HOLIDAY THERE, AND PLAYED LAWN-TENNIS ALL DAY LONG!"] + + * * * * * + +FAMILY TIES. + + ["The journal (the _Grashdanin_) is of opinion that in making + common cause with the other European Powers against China, + Russia would but serve the ends of ... England to the + prejudice of her own interests, which demand that she + should not jeopardise the security of her Asiatic shores, or + contribute to the complete ascendancy of Great Britain in + the Pacific Ocean, by arousing the antagonism of + China."--_Times_.] + +_Muscovite loquitur_:-- + + "Won't you help me bind the Dragon?" says the Briton to the Russ. + Oho! ingenuous JOHNNY! I'm opposed to needless fuss, + And have other fish to fry--say near the Oxus! Not a hang + Do I care for what may happen on the great Yang-tse-Kiang. + + I approve Non-intervention. 'Tis your favourite doctrine, JOHN, + And you stick to it _so_ closely, and that's just why you get on. + If you think that Dragon's dangerous--I hold 'tis but his play!-- + There's but one thing you've got to do--clear out of the brute's way. + + I am sure he doesn't want you where you've stayed a deal too long; + He wishes you would up and go to--well _not_ to Hong-Kong, + But the natural home of all such "Foreign Devils," in _his_ view. + Why, he's none too sweet on Me, JOHN; is it likely he'd like _you_? + + _Grattez le Russe--et cetera_. You are mighty fond, J.B., + Of quoting that stale epigram. You fancy it riles me. + Not a bit of it, my Briton; Tartars have a thickish skin, + And your foe and I are neighbours, nay a distant sort of kin. + + The Mantchus and the Romanoffs are not exactly chums, + And a Tartar insurrection, when that little trouble comes, + As it may do if you press too much at Pekin, well, who knows? + There is always something pleasing in the quarrels of one's foes. + + The Mantchus miss a many of once subject Tartar tribes + Who have--gravitated Russwards. Little call for blows or bribes + To make blood-relations mingle. On the Mantchus this may jar, + But we've not forgotten Kuldja, and we recollect Kashgar. + + Wheels within wheels, dear JOHNNY! As to missionaries, well, + They are troublesome--and useful; but to put things all pell-mell + On account of priests and parsons, and of quite an alien creed, + That's scarce "diplomatic," JOHNNY; it is not, dear boy, indeed. + + A new Tamerlane, my JOHNNY, who could stir the Tartar hordes + To--say "Asiatic Concert,"--well, you know that thought affords + To your talky "Only General" a quite sensational theme. + But prophecy's not "business," JOHN, and CÆSAR should not dream. + + Oh! the world is full of Bogies. _I_'m the biggest of them all + In the minds of many croakers who ne'er saw the Chinese Wall, + But are frightened at the spreading of my kindred--on the map; + For I'm semi-Asiatic, and half Tartar, dear old chap. + + Now put this and that together, think of Pamir, Turkestan, + Of Persia, of the Dardanelles!--I think you'll see, old man, + That though this ramping Dragon _you_ may wish to tie and tame, + A Benevolent Neutrality is rather more _my_ game. + + * * * * * + +A PLAYGOER'S "LAST WORD." + +(_AN ECHO FROM THE PIT._) + + The Season is--_has_ been for some time--silly, + And lengthy correspondences are rife. + We have, alas! to read them willy-nilly; + They take a deal of pleasure out of life. + To flee such evils here's an easy way-- + Let morning dailies idly rant or vapour, + At the Lyceum go and see the play, + The programme there's the finest DALY paper.[2] + +[Footnote 2: A Correspondent, signing himself "A Knight of the Free +Lists," suggests that free admissions to the Lyceum should be known, +during the American Company's season, as "The Best Daly 'Paper.'"] + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A DEPRESSED TEETOTALLER.--"Whine and Water." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAMILY TIES. + +JOHN BULL. "AIN'T YOU GOING TO LEND A HAND?" + +RUSSIA. "WELL, I DON'T KNOW;--YOU SEE HE'S A SORT OF RELATION OF +MINE!!"] + + * * * * * + +TIPPLING SALLY. + +_A SONG OF SORROW ON ZOO SUNDAY._ + + [SALLY, the Chimpanzee (late of the Zoo), is stated to have + "drunk beer daily."] + + Of all the monkeys at the Zoo + There's none like Tippling SALLY. + She was the first who quenched her thirst + Quite al-co-hol-i-cally. + A draught of beer made her not queer, + But seemed her strength to rally. + MORTIMER GRANVILLE well might cheer + Three cheers for Tippling SALLY. + + Of all the days within the week + I chiefly favoured one day, + That was the day when children seek + The rapture called "Zoo Sunday." + For then full drest all in my best + I'd go and visit SALLY, + And see her soothe her hairy breast + So al-co-hol-i-cally! + + But now no more poor SALLY's tricks + With glee fill girl or boy full; + No mug of beer her soul can cheer, + Nor glass of O-be-joyful! + We yet may see some Chimpanzee + With Drink's temptations dally, + To WILFRID's woe; but no, ah! no! + It won't be Tippling SALLY! + + * * * * * + +AN ESSAY IN REVIEWING. + +We are obliged to "Beginner" for the proffered contribution to our +collection of Book Reviews. That is, however, a department of the +paper our noble friend the BARON DE BOOK-WORMS reserves for his own +pen. But as _Mr. Punch_ has never been known to discourage beginners, +he finds room here for the interesting contribution, which perhaps +should more appropriately have been addressed to his _confrère_ at the +office of the _Athenæum_:-- + +[Illustration] + +_Don Quixote_. By MIGUEL CERVANTES. We have conscientiously plodded +through this voluminous work, which is certainly not entirely without +merit. It purports to recount the daily doings of a resident in a +village of La Mancha (Spain) who, accompanied by a clownish retainer, +went forth in search of adventures. He was not very happy, his day's +sport being invariably rounded oft by a sound drubbing, received +either by himself, his Squire, or both. We wish Lord MACAULAY had +lived to see the publication of this work, and had with fuller leisure +relieved us of the task of reviewing it. Remembering his method of +procedure as illustrated in his article on Dr. NARE's _Memoirs of Lord +Burleigh_, he would doubtless by careful enumeration have been able to +show that from first to last _Don Quixote_ had more ribs broken than +any man has actually possessed since ADAM was privy to a diminution of +their original number. He seems also to have had a perpetual renewal +of teeth, keeping pace with their frequent removal by brute force. As +for the number of legs and arms he had fractured, MACAULAY's Schoolboy +would have shrunk from the task of computing their aggregate. + +These are blemishes upon a work that is, at least, well intentioned, +and which might have been more successful had our author been inclined +to give his hero credit for more acumen. When he represents _Don +Quixote_ as running tilt at windmills under the impression that they +are armed knights, and when he pictures him charging a flock of sheep +in the belief that it is an ordered army, we think he too grossly +trifles with the assumed credulity of his readers. Exaggeration +is, indeed, the bane of a work that, from first page to last, bears +evidence of the drawback of extreme youth on the part of the author. +We have been pleased to notice some indications of humour in the +conversation of _Sancho Panza_. But it is the pennyworth of sack to +an intolerably large quantity of bread. What we have written has been +without desire to discourage Mr. CERVANTES, whom we shall be glad to +meet with again, bringing with him the fruits of unremitted practice +and of maturer views of life. + + * * * * * + +TO ARAMINTA. + +(_AFTER HEARING MR. SAMSON'S LECTURE._) + + ["To keep the family true, refined, affectionate, faithful, + is the woman's task--a task that needs the entire energies and + life of woman; and to mix up this sacred duty with the grosser + occupation of politics and trade, is to unfit her for it + as much as if a priest were to embark in the business of + money-lender."--FREDERIC HARRISON.] + +[Illustration] + + I Prithee, ARAMINTA, hear + What FREDERIC HARRISON has said: + Don't read for College honours, dear, + And put a towel round your head. + Don't sully what should surely be + An unstained soul, with tricks of trade; + Leave stern official work to me, + While you remain a simple maid. + + Don't prate of woman's function, sweet, + Your only duty is to charm; + Leave platform spouting, as is meet, + To men; it cannot do them harm. + Your influence comes from gracious ways, + Your glory in the home doth lie; + The guardian angel of our days, + Until you bless us when we die. + + Don't enter on ignoble strife + With man, 'tis yours to soar above-- + To all the higher things of life, + Divine compassion, and pure love. + 'Tis yours to stimulate, refine, + To win men by a kindly heart; + Not grovel with us where the sign + Of Mammon hangs above the mart. + + Thine is the task to reign supreme + Within the sacred sphere of home; + To make our life one happy dream, + Thine own as spotless as the foam. + To trade, to toil, to head the feast, + To seek the politician's gain, + Were hateful:--ay, as though the priest + Took usury, within the fane! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS owns to being easily affected by a pathetic +episode. He well remembers how years ago in the course of a +discussion among literary men about books and their writers, the Baron +acknowledged that in spite of his having been told how the pathos of +DICKENS was all a trick, and how the sentiment of that great novelist +was for the most part false, he still felt a choking sensation in his +throat and a natural inclination to blow his nose strenuously whenever +he re-read the death of _Little Paul_, the death of _Dora_, and some +passages about _Tiny Tim_. There was no dissentient voice as to +the death of _Colonel Newcome_; all admitted the recurrence of that +peculiar choking sensation, read they their THACKERAY never so often. +Now the Baron differs from _Josh Sedley_ in, as he thinks, many +respects, but he is almost as "easily moved to tears" as was that +stout hero. Wherefore this preface? Well, 'tis because the Baron owns +to having "snivelled," if you will, when reading a delightful story, +published by MACMILLAN in one volume ("bless all good stories in _one_ +vol., clearly printed!" says the Baron, parenthetically), entitled +simply, _Tim_. No relation to _Tiny Tim_ already mentioned; quite +another child. The Baron strongly recommends _this_ story, and +especially to Etonians past and present, as giving a life-like picture +which the latter will recognise, of the career at that great public +school of a fragile little chap entirely unfitted by nature for the +rough and tumble of such a life. The considerate tutor, too, is no +effort of imagination; he exists; and, perhaps, such an one may have +always existed since the division between Collegers and Oppidans +first began. The Baron in his own time, nigh forty years ago, knew +an exceptional species of this rare genus; but there are plenty of +witnesses to the truth of the Etonian portion of _Tim_. "_Tolle, +lege_!" quoth the Baron, and be not ashamed if in reading the latter +portion of the story you have to search for your pocket-handkerchief, +and, glancing furtively around, murmur to yourself, "But soft! I am +observed!" Then when unobserved, "_wipe_ the other eye!" and thank the +unknown author of _Tim_; at the same time not forgetting your guide, +philosopher, and friend, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DESIGN FOR THE POSTER FOR THE NEXT GERMAN EXHIBITION IN +LONDON.] + + * * * * * + +A FALLEN LEADER. + +CHARLES STEWART PARNELL. + +BORN, JUNE 27TH, 1846. DIED, OCTOBER 6TH, 1891. + + "The falcon-crest and plumage gone, + Can that be haughty MARMION?" + +_Sir Walter Scott_. + + Fallen! And not as leaders love to fall, + In battle's forefront, loved and mourned by all; + But fiercely fighting, as for his own hand, + With the scant remnant of a broken band; + His chieftainship, well-earned in many a fray, + Rent from him--by himself! + None did betray + This sinister strong fighter to his foes; + He fell by his own action, as he rose. + He had fought all--himself he could not fight, + Nor rise to the clear air of patient right. + Somewhere his strenuous soul unsoundly rang, + When closely tested. Let the laurels hang + About his tomb, for, with whatever fault, + He led with valour cool a fierce assault + Upon a frowning fortress, densely manned + With strong outnumbering enemies. He planned + Far-seen campaigns apparently forlorn; + He fronted headlong hate and scourging scorn, + Impassively persistent. But the task + Of coldly keeping up the Stoic mask + O'ertaxed him at the last; it fell, and lo! + Another face was bared to friend and foe. + Scarce to his foes will generous judgment lean-- + Foes mean as merciless, and false as mean, + Their poisoned pens, which even softening Death, + Which hate should hush and stifle slander's breath, + May not deprive of venom, prodding still + The unresponsive corse they helped to kill, + Is an ignoble sight. Turn, turn away! + Mean hates pursue the MARMION of our day, + A nobler foe, like DOUGLAS, well may rue + His fall, and sigh, "'Tis pity of him, too!" + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE MOMENT. + +(_BY A MILITANT RADICAL CANDIDATE._) + + Ah! I must trounce the Tory foe, + And love my Toiling neighbour. + The cry with which to fight I go + Is "Labour and _Be_labour!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 2. + +WHEN THE ROAD-CAR STOPS SUDDENLY JUST AS HE IS CAUTIOUSLY DESCENDING +THE STAIRCASE!] + + * * * * * + +THE G.P. AND THE G.P.O. + +(_A DIALOGUE STRICTLY ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT._) + +_General Public_. I am sorry to say the condition of the Postal +Service is really extremely defective. The delay in the delivery of +letters is most annoying. Frequently a note which should be received +in the evening is not obtained until the following morning--proof of +this being given by the post-marks. + +[Illustration] + +_General Post Office_. Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ You are most kind. Next, a telegram despatched from one part +of London to another part, sometimes takes eight hours, and the reason +given is that the counter-clerk has a discretionary power to retain +telegrams until he has what he considers a sufficient supply for the +messenger to take out for delivery. This naturally causes much delay +and consequent inconvenience. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ You are too good. Next, the carelessness at Branch Offices +is extremely irritating. For instance, it is often the case that the +words of telegrams have been altered and changed during transmission. +It is unnecessary to point out that such mistakes are liable to create +annoyance, not to say disaster. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Very many thanks. Then, at offices where females are engaged, +rudeness is very common. Would-be purchasers of postage-stamps are +frequently kept waiting while the clerks chatter to one another about +matters entirely unconnected with the Department. And this habit is +gaining ground in those offices in which male labour is only employed, +especially in the immediate neighbourhood of St. Martin's-le-Grand +itself. It is useless to call attention to this practice, as a simple +denial from an official implicated is accepted by the authorities as +proof (almost) positive of his or her innocence. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Again, thanks for your courtesy. But about these and many other +grievances, the same stereotyped answer has invariably been received. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Exactly! That is the very answer. And it is felt that no other +outcome will result from agitation. It seems utterly impossible to +make the officials in charge realise their responsibility to the +taxpayers. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + +_G.P._ Of course; the same parrot-cry! And it may be for years, and +it be for ever, before reform is introduced. The probability is, that +the present unsatisfactory condition of affairs may exist at St. +Martin's-le-Grand until the hour of doom. + +_G.P.O._ Your complaint shall receive consideration. + + * * * * * + +REFLECTION BY A GENERAL READER. + + I have been reading books wherein 'tis shown + (In diction autocratic, sour, un-civil), + That nothing can be absolutely known, + Save that the Universe is wholly evil! + And even this poor result is only plain + To Genius--which, of course, is quite a rarity. + _I_ should have thought this would have given it pain, + And moved it to both modesty and charity; + But what surprises _me_ (--ZOILUS, to mock sure, + Will whip me with sham-epigrams would-be witty,--) + Is that Agnostics seem so awfully pure, + And Pessimists so destitute of pity. + + * * * * * + +ANNALS OF A WATERING-PLACE + +THAT HAS "SEEN ITS DAY." + +[Illustration] + +The weather which, in Mr. DUNSTABLE's varied experience of +five-and-twenty years, he assures me, has never been so bad, +having at length afforded some indications of "breaking" I make +the acquaintance, through Mrs. COBBLER, of Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, the +Proprietor of the one Bath-chair available for the invalid of +Torsington-on-Sea, who, like myself, stands in need of the salubrious +air of that health-giving resort, but who is ordered by his medical +adviser to secure it with the least possible expenditure of physical +strength. + +[Illustration: A Mess Dinner.] + +Both Mr. WISTERWHISTLE and his chair are peculiar in their respective +ways, and each has a decided history. Mr. WISTERWHISTLE, growing +confidential over his antecedents, says, "You see, Sir, I wasn't +brought up to the Bath-chair business, so to speak, for I began in the +Royal Navy, under His Majesty King WILLIAM THE FOURTH. Then I took to +the Coast-Guard business, and having put by a matter of thirty pound +odd, and hearing 'she' was in the market,"--Mr. WISTERWHISTLE always +referred to his Bath-chair as "she," evidently regarding it from the +nautical stand-point as of the feminine gender,--"and knowing, saving +your presence, Sir, that old BLOXER, of whom I bought her, had such +a good crop of cripples the last season or two, that he often touched +two-and-forty shillings a-week with 'em, I dropped Her Majesty's +Service, and took to this 'ere. But, Lor, Sir, the business ain't wot +it wos. Things is changed woeful at Torsington since I took her up. +Then from 9 o'clock, as you might say, to 6 P.M., every hour was +took up; and, mind you, by real downright 'aristocracy,'--real live +noble-men, with gout on 'em, as thought nothink of a two hours' +stretch, and didn't 'aggle, savin' your presence, over a extra +sixpence for the job either way. But, bless you, wot's it come to now? +Why, she might as well lay up in a dry dock arf the week, for wot's +come of the downright genuine invalid, savin' your presence, blow'd +if I knows. One can see, of course, Sir, in arf a jiffy, as you +is touched in the legs with the rheumatics, or summat like it; but +besides you and a old gent on crutches from Portland Buildings, there +ain't no real invalid public 'ere at all, and one can't expect to +make a livin' out of you two; for if you mean to do the thing ever +so 'ansome, it ain't reasonable to expect you and the old gent I was +a referring to, to stand seven hours a day goin' up and down the +Esplanade between you, and you see even that at a bob an hour ain't +no great shakes when you come to pay for 'ousing her and keepin' her +lookin' spic and span, with all her brass knobs a shining and her +leather apron fresh polished with patent carriage blackin': and Lor, +Sir, you'd not b'lieve me if I was to tell you what a deal of show +some parties expects for their one bob an hour. Why, it was only the +other day that Lady GLUMPLEY (a old party with a front of black curls +and yaller bows in her bonnet, as I dare say you've noticed me a +haulin' up and down the Parade when the band's a playin'), says to +me, says she, 'It ain't so much the easy goin' of your chair, Mr. +WISTERWHISTLE, as makes me patronise it, as its general genteel +appearance. For there's many a chair at Brighton that can't hold a +candle to it!'" But at this point he was interrupted by the appearance +of a dense crowd that half filled the street, and drew up in silent +expectation opposite my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten +I had sent for him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has +returned, and brought with him _the One Policeman_! + + * * * * * + +THE BOY THE FATHER OF THE MAN. + +(_A CHAPTER FROM A SEA STORY OF THE FUTURE._) + +"Lash the lubber to the top-gallant yard and give him five hundred +with the cat o' ninetails!" shouted the pirate Captain, blue with +passion. + +There was a murmur amongst his crew. Because their messmate had +forgotten to touch his cap, it seemed hard to their poor untutored +minds he should receive so heavy a punishment. + +"What, mutiny!" cried the ruffian skipper, "here take this and this +and this!" and he distributed the contents of his revolver amongst the +sailors aft. + +In the meanwhile, the poor wretch was hanging to the topgallant yard, +expecting every moment to be his last. + +"A sail, Sir," said the boatswain, saluting, as he mounted to the +quarter-deck. + +"Get ready the torpedoes, and serve out per man a hundredweight of +smokeless powder cartridges. We shall have rough work." Then he added, +"By the way, what is the time?" + +"About half-past two, Sir," returned the other, and then, as his +Captain made an unsuccessful grab, he muttered, "No you don't!" + +The ship in pursuit came on apace, and soon the two vessels were +yard-arm to yard-arm engaged in mortal combat. For a while the +confusion was so great that it was impossible to say what would be the +upshot. But a fortunate torpedo sent the pirate craft to the bottom, +and of all her crew, only the skipper survived. He was brought (loaded +with chains) before his conqueror. + +"Well, you scoundrel," said the British Captain, "have you anything to +urge in your defence before we prepare you for your execution?" + +"What would be the good?" was the sulky reply. "I know my fate." + +"That voice, those husky tones," exclaimed the epauletted +representative of the English Admiralty; "surely I know them. They +bring back painful recollections. Show your face, Sirrah!" + +"Why should I?" queried the conquered Chief. "It won't do me any +good!" + +But at a gesture of the British Captain, his prisoner was seized, and +his face forcibly washed. + +"What, BILLY TOMPKINS!" murmured the Briton, "and we meet again like +this!" + +"Yes," answered the other, "and it can't be helped. You have your duty +to perform, and so have I. Do your worst!" + +"But, BILLY, you were not always like this!" + +"No, JACK, I was not. Once I used to prattle at my mother's knee. I +was beloved by my brothers and sisters, and I was the pride of the +nursery!" + +And then the strong man broke down, and wept bitterly. + +"But have you not fallen very low?" asked the British Captain, gently. + +"Indeed I have! I am a thief, a liar, a scoundrel--and, in fact, a +blackguard!" + +"With such surroundings," returned the Officer R.N., pointing to +the _debris_ of the pirate craft, "it is difficult to dispute your +contention. Indeed, you are a blackguard! But to what cause do you +owe your fall?" + +"To my early training." + +"I do not comprehend you. Your early training! Where were you +trained?" + +"In the _Britannia_!" + +And then the British Captain completely understood the situation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY. + +(_At the close of the German Exhibition._) + +_West Kensington Cuirassier_. "NOW OI WONDER WHAT KOIND OF AN 'ERO +OI'LL 'AVE TO BE NEXT YEAR?"] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. October 17, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14053 *** |