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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+Jan. 29, 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Jan. 29, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 2, 2004 [EBook #13927]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+January 29, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Peace is only a matter of time, says Mr. HUGHES. The ex-Kaiser is said
+to be of the opinion that Mr. HUGHES might have been more explicit as
+to who is going to get that "time."
+
+       ***
+
+Meanwhile the ex-Kaiser is growing a beard. He evidently has no desire
+to share the fate of "Wilhelmshaven."
+
+       ***
+
+After reading the numerous articles on whether he should be charged
+with murder or not, we have come to the conclusion that the answer now
+rests solely between "Yes" or "No."
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. DE VALERA has been appointed a delegate of the Irish Republic
+to the Peace Conference. The fact that he has not ordered the Peace
+Conference to come to Brixton prison should satisfy doubters like _The
+Daily News_ that Sinn Fein can be moderate when it wants to.
+
+       ***
+
+People in search of quiet amusement will be glad to know that there
+will be an eclipse of the sun on May 29th.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the overcrowding of Tube trains we understand there is
+some talk of men with beards being asked to leave them in the ticket
+offices.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that an All-Tube team has applied for admission to the
+Rugby Union.
+
+       ***
+
+A large number of forged five-pound notes are stated to be in
+circulation in London. The proper way to dispose of one is to slip it
+between a couple of genuine fivers when paying your taxi fare.
+
+       ***
+
+The ancient office of Town Crier of Driffield, which carries with it a
+retaining fee of one pound per annum, is vacant. Several Army officers
+anxious to better themselves have applied for the job.
+
+       ***
+
+A large number of "sloping desks," made specially for Government
+Departments, are offered for sale by the Board of Works. The bulk of
+them, it is understood, slope at 3.30 P.M.
+
+       ***
+
+The mysterious disappearance of sheep from Barnstaple has led to the
+report that some Government Department has fixed a price for sheep.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is not practicable," says the London Electric Railway Company,
+"for passengers to enter Tube cars at one door and leave by the other,
+because the end cars have only one door." The idea of reserving these
+cars for persons getting in or out, but not both, appears to have been
+overlooked.
+
+       ***
+
+There is no truth in the report that the lodging, fuel and light
+allowance of Officers is to be raised from two shillings and
+sevenpence to two shillings and sevenpence halfpenny per day, the
+cost of living having increased since the Peninsular War.
+
+       ***
+
+"What is reported to be the largest sapphira in the world," says
+a contemporary, "disappeared when the Bolshevists took Kieff." We
+suspect that the largest living Ananias had a hand in the affair.
+
+       ***
+
+It is not surprising to learn, following the Police Union meeting,
+that the burglars have decided to "down jemmies" unless the eight-hour
+night is conceded.
+
+       ***
+
+The rumour that there was a vacant house in the Midlands last week has
+now been officially denied.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the Market Bosworth woman who, though perfectly
+healthy, has remained in bed for three years, until removed last week
+by the police, it now appears that she told the officers that she had
+no idea it was so late.
+
+       ***
+
+"What can be done to make village life more amusing?" asks _The Daily
+Mirror_. We are sorry to find our contemporary so ignorant of country
+life. Have they not yet heard of Rural District Councils?
+
+       ***
+
+An Oxted butcher having found a wedding ring in one of the internal
+organs of a cow, it is supposed that the animal must have been leading
+a double life.
+
+       ***
+
+"In order to live long," says Dr. EARLE, "live simply." Another good
+piece of advice would be: "Simply live."
+
+       ***
+
+A Streatham man who has been missing from his home since November,
+1913, has just written from Kentucky. This disposes of the theory that
+he might have been mislaid in a Tube rush.
+
+       ***
+
+"Distrust of lawyers," Mr. Justice ATKIN told the boys of Friars
+School recently, "is largely caused by ignorance of the law." Trust in
+them, on the other hand, is entirely due to ignorance of the cost.
+
+       ***
+
+Giving evidence at Marylebone against a mysterious foreigner charged
+with using a forged identity book, the police said they did not know
+the real name and address of the man. The Bench decided to obviate the
+difficulty in the matter of the address.
+
+       ***
+
+In a Liverpool bankruptcy case last week the debtor stated that he
+had lost six hundred pounds in one day rabbit-coursing. The Receiver
+pointed out that he could have almost bought a new set of rabbits for
+that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PICTURE OF THE YEAR.
+
+PROBABLE EFFECT AT THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY EXHIBITION OF THE ELECTION OF
+SIR ASTON WEBB, THE FAMOUS ARCHITECT, TO THE PRESIDENCY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of wedding presents:--
+
+    "Case of sauce ladies from Mr. W. ----."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+No doubt he was glad to be rid of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The ---- National Kitchen has had to close down.... The great
+    majority of the patrons were Army Pap Corps."
+
+Who presumably required only liquid refreshment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The German Government has protested to Russia against the
+    'criminal interference' of olsheviks in the internal affairs
+    of Germany."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Much correspondence will now doubtless take place, as it seems evident
+that the Bolsheviks have sent their initial letter in reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GETTING OUT.
+
+"If you belong to any of the following classes," said the
+Demobilisation advertisement, "do nothing." So Lieut. William Smith
+did nothing.
+
+After doing nothing for some weeks he met a friend who said, "Hallo,
+aren't you out yet?"
+
+"Not yet," said William, looking at his spurs.
+
+"Well, you ought to _do_ something."
+
+So Lieut. William Smith decided to do something. He was a
+pivotal-man and a slip-man and a one-man-business and a
+twenty-eight-days-in-hospital man and a W.O. letter ZXY/999 man.
+Accordingly he wrote to the War Office and told them so.
+
+It was, of course, a little confusing for the authorities. Just as
+they began to see their way to getting him out as a pivotal man,
+somebody would decide that it was quicker to demobilise him as a
+one-man-business; and when this was nearly done, then somebody else
+would point out that it was really much neater to reinstate him as a
+slip-man. Whereupon a sub-section, just getting to work at W.O. letter
+ZXY/999, would beg to be allowed a little practice on William while he
+was still available, to the great disgust of the medical authorities,
+who had been hoping to study the symptoms of self-demobilisation in
+Lieut. Smith as evidenced after twenty-eight days' in hospital.
+
+Naturally, then, when another friend met William a month later and
+said, "Hallo, aren't you out yet?" William could only look at his
+spurs again and say, "Not yet."
+
+"Better go to the War Office and have a talk with somebody," said his
+friend. "Much the quickest."
+
+So William went to the War Office. First he had a talk with a
+policeman, and then he had a talk with a porter, and then he had a
+talk with an attendant, and then he had a talk with a messenger girl,
+and so finally he came to the end of a long queue of officers who were
+waiting to have a talk with _somebody_.
+
+"Not so many here to-day as yesterday," said a friendly Captain in the
+Suffolks who was next to him.
+
+"Oh!" said William. "And we've got an army on the Rhine too," he
+murmured to himself, realising for the first time the extent of
+England's effort.
+
+At the end of an hour he calculated that he was within two or three
+hundred of the door. He had only lately come out of hospital and was
+beginning to feel rather weak.
+
+"I shall have to give it up," he said.
+
+The Captain tried to encourage him with tales of gallantry. There was
+a Lieutenant in the Manchesters who had worked his way up on three
+occasions to within fifty of the door, at which point he had collapsed
+each time from exhaustion; whereupon two kindly policemen had carried
+him to the end of the queue again for air.... He was still sticking to
+it.
+
+"I suppose there's no chance of being carried to the _front_ of the
+queue?" said William hopefully.
+
+"No," said the Captain firmly; "we should see to that."
+
+"Then I shall have to go," said William. "See you to-morrow." And as
+he left his place the queue behind him surged forward an inch and took
+new courage.
+
+A week later William suddenly remembered Jones. Jones had been in the
+War Office a long time. It was said of him that you could take him to
+any room in the building and he could find his way out into Whitehall
+in less than twenty minutes. But then he was no mere "temporary
+civil-servant." He had been the author of that famous W.O. letter
+referring to Chevrons for Cold Shoers which was responsible for
+the capture of Badajoz; he had issued the celebrated Army Council
+Instruction, "Commanding Officers are requested to replace the
+pivots," which had demobilised MARLBOROUGH's army so speedily; and,
+as is well known, HENRY V. had often said that without Jones--well,
+anyhow, he had been in the War Office a long time. And William knew
+him slightly.
+
+So William sent up his card.
+
+"I want to talk to somebody," he explained to Jones. "I can't manage
+more than of couple of hours a day in the queue just now, because
+I'm not very fit. If I could sit down somewhere and tell somebody all
+about myself, that's what I want. Any room in the building where there
+are no queues outside and two chairs inside. I'd be very much obliged
+to you."
+
+"I'll give you a note to Briggs," said Jones promptly. "He's the
+fellow to get you out."
+
+"Thanks _awfully_," said the overjoyed William.
+
+A messenger girl took him and the note to Captain Briggs. Briggs
+listened to the story of William's qualifications--or rather
+disqualifications--and considered for a moment.
+
+"Yes, we ought to get you out very quickly," he said.
+
+"Good," said William. "Thanks _awfully_."
+
+"Walters will tell you just what to do. He's a pal of mine. I'll give
+you a note to him."
+
+So in another minute the overjoyed William was following a messenger
+girl to the room of Lieutenant Walters.
+
+Walters was very cheerful. The thing to do, he said, was to go to
+Sanders. Sanders would get him out in half-an-hour. He'd give William
+a note, and then Sanders would do his best. The overjoyed William
+followed the messenger girl to Sanders.
+
+"That's all right," said Sanders a few minutes later. "We can get you
+out at once on this. Do you know Briggs?"
+
+"Briggs," said William, with a sudden sinking feeling.
+
+"I'll give you a note to him. He knows all about it. He'll get you out
+at once."
+
+"Thank you," said William faintly.
+
+He put the note in his pocket and strode briskly out in search of the
+dear old queue.
+
+"It will be quicker after all," he told himself, as he took his place
+at the end of the queue next to a Lieutenant in the Manchesters.
+("Don't crowd him," said a policeman to William; "he wants air.")
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And you think perhaps that the story ends here, with William in the
+queue again? Oh, no. William is a man of resource. The very next day
+he met another friend, who said, "Hallo, aren't you out yet?"
+
+"Not yet," said William.
+
+"My boy got out a month ago."
+
+"H-h-h-how?" said William.
+
+"Ah well, you see, he's going up to Cambridge. Complete his education
+and all the rest of it. They let 'em out at once on that."
+
+"Ah!" said William thoughtfully.
+
+William is thirty-eight, but he has taken the great decision. He is
+going up to Cambridge next term. He thinks it will be quicker. He no
+longer stands in the queue for two hours every day; he spends the time
+instead studying for his Little Go.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TREES AND FAIRIES.
+
+  The larch-tree gives them needles
+    To stitch their gossamer things;
+  Carefully, cunningly toils the oak
+  To shape the cups of the fairy folk;
+    The sycamore gives them wings.
+
+  The lordly fir-tree rocks them
+    High on his swinging sails;
+  The hawthorn fashions their tiny spears,
+  The whispering alder charms their ears
+    With soft mysterious tales.
+
+  The chestnut decks their ball-room
+    With candles red and white,
+  While all the trees stand round about
+  With kind protecting arms held out
+    To guard them through the night.
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LOST ALLY.
+
+PEACE. "I HOPED HE WOULD MAKE MY PATH EASIER FOR ME--NOT MORE
+DIFFICULT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINISTERIAL TREADMILL.
+
+(_BEING A FREE RÉSUMÉ OF LORD CURZON'S SPEECH AT THE ECCENTRIC CLUB ON
+WEDNESDAY THE 22ND._)
+
+  Lord CURZON rises with the lark--
+  That is (at present) when it's dark--
+  Breakfasts in haste on tea and toast,
+  Then grapples with the early post,
+  And reads the newspapers, which shed
+  Denunciation on his head.
+  Having digested their vagaries
+  He calls his faithful secretaries
+  And keeps them writing, sheet on sheet,
+  Until he's due in Downing Street.
+  The Cabinet is seldom through
+  Until the clock is striking two,
+  When Ministers, dispersing, munch
+  Their frugal sandwiches for lunch.
+  Then back into affairs of State
+  Again they plunge from three till eight,
+  Presiding, guiding, interviewing,
+  Tea conscientiously eschewing,
+  Until exhausted nature cries
+  At half-past eight for more supplies.
+  Another hasty meal is snatched
+  And, when the viands are despatched,
+  Once more our admirable Crichton,
+  Though feeling like a weary Titan,
+  Resumes the toil of brain and pen
+  Till two is sounded by Big Ben.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The life of those whom duty spurs on
+  To lead laborious days, like CURZON,
+  Is not the life of BILLY MERSON
+  Or any gay inferior person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_RUS IN URBE._
+
+The Selborne Society, which used to be a purely rural expeditionary
+force, has lately taken to exploring London, and personally-conducted
+tours have been arranged to University College in darkest Gower
+Street, where Sir PHILIP MAGNUS and Sir GREGORY FOSTER will act
+as guides, and to the Royal Courts of Justice, where Sir EDWARD
+MARSHALL HALL, K.C., "will describe the methods of conducting civil
+actions." What GILBERT WHITE would say to all this brick-and-mortar
+sophistication we do not dare to guess. All that we venture to do is
+to suggest one or two more urbane adventures.
+
+Why, for example, should not a visit be paid to the House of Lords,
+under the direction of the new LORD CHANCELLOR? Five minutes spent on
+the Woolsack in such company not only would be a treasured memory,
+but a liberal (or, at any rate, a coalition) education. After such an
+experience all the Selbornians should come away better fitted to climb
+the ascents which life offers.
+
+Again, if Sir HORACE MARSHALL, the Lord Mayor, invited the Society to
+the Mansion House they might be enormously benefited. Of turtle doves
+they naturally know all; GILBERT WHITE would have seen to that; but
+what do they know of turtle soup? Well, the LORD MAYOR would instruct
+them. He would show them the pools under the Mansion House where these
+creatures luxuriate while awaiting their doom; he would indicate the
+areas beneath the shell from some of which is extracted the calipash
+and from some the calipee; he might even induce the Most Worshipful
+Keeper of the Turtles, O.B.E., to discourse on the subject.
+
+Then there is New Scotland Yard. It would be a scandal for the
+members of the Selborne Society not to visit that home of amity
+and see all the New Scots at work in tracking down the breakers of
+the laws that are made in the picturesque building with the clock
+tower so close by. And not very distant is the War Office, where
+mobilisation-while-you-wait may be studied at first hand, we don't
+think. Indeed, London offers such opportunities that we shall be
+surprised if the Selborne Society ever looks at a mole or a starling
+again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO THE RHINE.
+
+BUSINESS LEAVE.
+
+Of course we _know_ demobilisation is proceeding apace. We _know_ that
+pivotal men are simply pirouetting to England in countless droves. We
+know it because we see it in the papers (when they come), and it is a
+great source of comfort to us. But since it is six days' train journey
+and four days' lorry-hopping from where we sit guarding the wrong side
+of the river to the necessary seaport, perhaps they have forgotten us,
+or they are keeping all the pivots in this area for one final orgy of
+demobilisation at some future date, which for the moment I am not at
+liberty to disclose.
+
+At present my poor friend Cook is sitting in the Company Mess with
+his thoughts all of the inside of Army prisons, instead of the glowing
+pictures he used to have of himself exchanging his battle-bowler for
+the headgear of civilisation. He says I'm responsible for his state of
+mind, because I first put the idea into his head. Well, I did; but I
+don't see how you can blame the fellow who filled the shell if some
+silly ass hits it on the nose-cap with a hammer.
+
+It started like this. After the Demobilisation General Post had
+sounded Cook spent his time writing to everybody who did not know him
+well enough to down his chances, filled up all the forms in triplicate
+and packed his valise ready to start off any time of the day or night
+for England, home and wholesale hardware, which is his particular
+pivot. I may say here that nominally this business is run by him
+and his brother, and the fact that they are now both in the Army is
+probably the chief reason why the manager in charge is able to make
+the business pay. However, you know what people are; if they draw
+receipts from a business nothing will persuade them but that they
+must be there, "on the spot you know," to "look after it." So, seeing
+his face grow longer and longer as the days went by without the
+Quarter-Master coming round and handing him his ration trilby hat,
+civvy suit and the swagger cane he hopes for, I said, "Why don't you
+put in for two months' business leave?"
+
+The air was at once rent with a fearful rush of leaves of his A.B.
+153, and he ceased to take any interest in his platoon from that
+moment. In vain I urged upon him the consummate folly of neglecting
+to inquire more closely into the case of a reprobate in No. 11 Platoon
+who had so far forgotten all sense of discipline as to set out his
+kit with haversack on the left instead of the right (or _vice-versâ_,
+I forget which, but the Sergeant-Major spotted it.). He even went
+the length of saying he didn't care a cuss; and when I asked
+him sarcastically if he had forgotten the Platoon Commander's
+pamphlet-bible, "Am I offensive enough?" he said he thought he was,
+and I agreed with him.
+
+When the whole mess-room was simply a-flutter with torn-out leaves
+from his A.B. 153, representing his abortive attempts to put down his
+application succinctly and plausibly, we all began to take an interest
+in his case. We crowded round and offered him most valuable hints.
+Together we got through two very pleasant evenings and three or four
+A.B.'s 153, and still the application remained in a tentative state.
+We got on all right to start with, but it was after the "I have the
+honour to submit for the approval and recommendation of the Commanding
+Officer this my application for two months' business leave" that we
+got stuck.
+
+Of course _I_ know it was no use, anyway. I have seen these things go
+forward before. They have no chance.
+
+It was then that a stroke of genius (unfortunate, as it turned out,
+but a stroke of genius nevertheless) occurred to me. "Why not say that
+your manager is a complete fool and in his hands the business is going
+to rack and ruin?" I said. He bit at it like a tiger, and only the law
+of libel prevented him putting it into execution there and then; but
+all the same we had a jolly fine argument (six of us) about it for
+some three hours, and nobody got put out of the room for introducing
+acrimony into the discussion.
+
+Finally, he said that he was sure his brother wouldn't mind his saying
+it about _him_, and the application went in as follows:--
+
+_To Adjutant, First Crackshire Regt._
+
+Sir,--I have the honour to submit for the approval and recommendation
+of the Commanding Officer this my application for two months' business
+leave in the following special circumstances:--
+
+The necessity of my presence in the business (wholesale hardware) has
+become more and more urgent of late. It is imperative that I should
+get home at once owing to the total incapability of my partner to
+carry out simple directions which are dictated by letters, and it
+is no exaggeration to say that the business, which has been built
+up almost entirely by my efforts, must inevitably collapse unless it
+receives my personal attention at once.
+
+My address would be, etc., etc., London.
+
+  I am, Sir,
+  Your obedient Servant, etc., etc.
+
+The Adjutant looked serious when he read it. So did Cook, for he
+thought the Adjutant had noted the London address and had remembered
+the business was in Bristol. But it was all right. It wasn't that
+at all really. Pencil and squared paper are poor means of conveying
+information at any time, and when the Adjutant had been assured that
+the business was really "wholesale hardware," and not "wholesale
+hardbake," as he had first read it, everything went swimmingly. The
+C.O. signed it and off it went on its momentous journey. Cook began
+to take a renewed interest in his platoon, and, having discovered the
+recalcitrant one of No. 11 actually coming on parade with only the
+front of the tip of his bayonet-scabbard polished, he took a fiendish
+delight in seeing the criminal writhing under the brutal and savage
+sentence of three days' C.B.
+
+A week later he got a great surprise. His brother-partner turned
+up with a draft of men and found himself posted to the battalion.
+The brothers met, as only brothers can, with the words, "What the
+deuce are you doing here?" Highly elated, Cook told him about the
+application for business leave and gloated over his chances of being
+home first, and on full pay too. His brother was intensely amused,
+and they both laughed heartily, when he told us that he himself, while
+waiting at the reception-camp with the draft, had put in much the same
+kind of application, saying the same kind of things about Cook.
+
+But when they realised that both applications would be forwarded to
+the same Divisional Headquarters for consideration the joke lost some
+of its savour. And when the Adjutant called them up and handed the
+two returned applications _pinned together_ both brothers needed all
+their qualities of toughness and rigidity which, as I understand, are
+acquired in the wholesale hardware business.
+
+L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shortsighted Traveller_. "IS THERE SOME DELAY ON THE
+LINE, MY GOOD MAN?"
+
+_Naval Officer_. "WHO THE ---- DO YOU THINK I AM, SIR?"
+
+_Traveller_. "ER--N-NOT THE VICAR, ANYWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOMES FURNISHED COMPLETE."
+
+    "Oak bedstead, 3 ft. 6 in., with wife and Wool Mattress, new
+    condition, £5 10s. 0d. lot."--_Provincial Paper_,
+
+    "One Parsel Furnishing goods curtains, cushion covers, etc.,
+    Rs. 26; one bundle babies, Rs. 5.--Apply Mrs. ----."--_Ceylon
+    Independent_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Temporary Cook wants Hampshire."--_Morning Post_.
+
+Really quite moderate. Some cooks nowadays seem to want the whole
+earth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POST-WAR PROBLEMS.
+
+_Adjutant_ (_who has been interrupted in his real work by a summons
+from Colonel_). "YES, SIR?"
+
+_Temporary Colonel_. "I SAY--ER--SMITH--IT'S SO UNCERTAIN HOW LONG
+WE SHALL BE OUT HERE--DEMOBILISATION, YOU KNOW. ER--FACT IS--_DO_ YOU
+THINK IT WORTH MY WHILE GETTING ANOTHER PAIR OF BREECHES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VISITOR.
+
+  When yesterday I went to see my friends--
+    (Watching their patient faces in a row,
+    I want to give each boy a D.S.O.)--
+  When yesterday I went to see my friends,
+  With cigarettes and foolish odds and ends
+    (Knowing they understand how well I know
+  That nothing I may do can make amends,
+    But that I must not grieve or tell them so),
+  A pale-faced Inniskilling, tall and slim,
+    Who'd fought two years and now was just eighteen,
+  Smiled up and showed, with eyes a little dim,
+    How someone left him, where his leg had been,
+  On the humped bandage that replaced the limb,
+    A tiny green glass pig to comfort him.
+
+  These are the men who've learned to laugh at pain,
+    And if their lips have quivered when they spoke
+    They've said brave things or tried to make a joke;
+  Said it's not worse than trenches in the rain,
+  Or pools of water on a chalky plain,
+    Or bitter cold from which you stiffly woke,
+  Or deep wet mud that left you hardly sane,
+    Or the tense wait for "Fritz's master stroke."
+  You seldom hear them talk of their "bad luck,"
+    And suffering has not spoiled their ready wit,
+  And oh! you'd hardly doubt their fighting pluck,
+    When each new operation shows their grit;
+  Who never brag of blows for England struck,
+    But only yearn to "get about a bit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Allies had threatened to destroy the Dardanelles if the
+    Medina garrison did not surrender."--_Birmingham Mail_.
+
+So, being reduced to its last Straits, the garrison surrendered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATRIMONY--Young Lady (21), good prospects, wishes to
+    correspond with young man, similar age, with a view to above;
+    no rebels need apply."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+But we guess there will be one Home Ruler in the family.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Replying to a query concerning the rumour that Messrs.
+    Guinness were in treaty for the purchase of the National hell
+    Factory, Parkgate Street, a representative of that firm
+    said this afternoon: 'We have no statement to make at
+    all.'"--_Irish Paper_.
+
+We gather that the printer is a Prohibitionist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Doncaster on Saturday, Messrs. ---- sold for £7,100 the
+    fully licensed house at Armthorpe known as the Plough Inn
+    to the Markham Main Colliery Company, the proprietors of the
+    colliery being sunk in the parish."--_Yorkshire Post_.
+
+Not _spurlos versenkt_, we trust. Perhaps it is hoped that the Plough
+will unearth them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEACHING TOMMY.
+
+Here is a simple method of aiding the admirable efforts of educational
+Staff-Officers in the army.
+
+Let all Regimental Orders be interspersed with items of information
+likely to be of use in civilian life. Thus:--
+
+53. ... will be rendered to this office, in triplicate, by noon
+to-morrow.
+
+53A. _Etiquette, Points of_. It is not considered correct to address
+an Archbishop as "Archie" unless one is on terms of considerable
+intimacy with him. In writing to a Duchess never commit the vulgar
+error of putting a stamp on the envelope; the sixth footman in a ducal
+household is always provided with a fund in respect of unpaid postage
+on incoming correspondence.
+
+54. ... is placed out of bounds to all troops on account of an
+outbreak of mumps.
+
+54A. _Data, Geographical_.--Of all fish those of the Bay of Biscay are
+perhaps the best nourished. An isthmus is a piece of land which saves
+another piece of land from being an island. The principal exports of
+Germany are prisoners of war.
+
+55. ... to be read on three consecutive parades.
+
+55A. _Theory_, _Untenable_, _Literary_.--The The theory that BACON was
+a pork-butcher and derived inspiration for _Hamlet_ by gazing at the
+viands in his shop has now been disproved.
+
+56. ... and a sum of twopence per haircut will be chargeable against
+public funds.
+
+56A. _Courts, Foreign_.--The Sultan of Socotra is entitled to a salute
+of fourteen popguns and one catapult. Before approaching the throne
+of the Duke of the Djibouti one is required to take lessons from the
+Court Contortionist.
+
+57. ... and Company Commanders are reminded of their responsibility in
+this matter.
+
+57A. _World, the Animal_.--It is interesting to know that the inventor
+of the Tank first planned that engine of warfare while watching
+the peregrinations of the armadillo at a travelling menagerie.
+The efficacy of our blockade was such that large consignments of
+armadillo-fodder were prevented from reaching Germany, the consequent
+demise of all German-kept armadilloes thus robbing our enemy of the
+opportunity of devising a similar instrument.
+
+58. ... will parade in full marching order at Reveille.
+
+58A. _Facts, Historical_.--There once was a king who never smiled
+again, but history might have recorded a different verdict had His
+Majesty witnessed the spectacle of the Second-in-Command, on a frisky
+horse, trying to drill the Battalion.
+
+59. ... will therefore immediately submit rolls of all skilled
+organ-blowers of Category B ii.
+
+59A. _Information, General_.--If all the Treasury Notes circulated in
+the United Kingdom since 1914 were placed end to end they might reach
+from Bristol to Yokohama and back, but they would not constitute a
+sufficient inducement to a London taxi-driver.
+
+60. ... and this practice must cease forthwith.
+
+60A. _Query, Our Daily_.--What is Popocatapetl? Is it an indoor game,
+a cannibal tribe, a curative herb, or neither? Solutions are invited.
+
+There are two very advantageous points about this scheme: (1) The
+ingenious system of numbering would avoid interference with army
+routine, which must go on: and (2) men might be encouraged to read
+Regimental Orders.
+
+This suggestion is made without hope of fee or reward. Its author does
+not even ask for extra duty pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE.
+
+_Tramp_. "CAN YOU SPARE A PORE OLD GENTLEMAN THE PRICE OF A CUP OF
+KORFEE. SIR?"
+
+_Sub._ (_in high spirits_). "RIGHT-O. ALL THE COFFEE YOU WANT AND THE
+PRICE OF A SHAVE AND A HAIR-CUT AS WELL."
+
+_Tramp_. "WILL YER? THEN WHO'S A-GOIN' TO KEEP ME WHILE MY 'AIR AN'
+BEARD GROWS AGAIN?".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FINE EAR FOR THE HASPIRATE.
+
+"I wish 'as 'ow I warn't married."
+
+Mr. Punt crooned out the impious aspiration as he sorted a judicious
+modicum of hemp into the canary seed. He spoke in semi-soliloquy,
+yet quite loud enough to reach the vigilant ear of Mrs. Punt, who was
+dusting the cages at the other end of the live-stock store. She said
+nothing in reply, but her eye fixed itself upon him with a glint
+eloquent of what she might say later.
+
+"Why is that, Mr. Punt?" I asked encouragingly.
+
+"Why, it's on'y to-day, Sir, as I met a lidy, a widder lidy, friend o'
+Uncle George's down Putney way, as 'as one leg, a nice little bit o'
+'ouse property and two great hauk's eggs."
+
+It did seem a rare combination of marriageable qualities. I asked the
+value of a great auk's egg, and was surprised to learn that a specimen
+had recently been sold at auction for something like three hundred
+pounds. I inquired whether all the great auks' eggs that came on the
+market were genuine, or whether "faked" specimens were to be met with.
+I had heard, I thought, of "faked" eagles' eggs.
+
+"Different kind o' bird altogether, Sir, and different kind o' egg.
+Can't very well be imitated. You didn't think as I said great 'awk,
+Sir?" he asked very anxiously.
+
+"No, no; I understand," I hastened to assure him.
+
+"The 'awk, Sir, is a bird o' the heagle kind; the hauk's a different
+kind altogether--web-footed, aquatic--was, I should rather say,
+seeing as 'ow 'e's un appily extinct. Hauk and 'awk, Sir--you take the
+difference?"
+
+I said that I thought the distinction was perceptible to a fine ear
+for the aspirate.
+
+The phrase took the little man's fancy wonderfully. "That's it, Sir,"
+he exclaimed, beaming up delightedly at me. "You've 'it it! Done it
+in one, you 'ave. 'Fine ear for the haspirate'--that's what my darter
+Maria 'ave and what I, for one, 'ave not. I'm not above confessing of
+it; 'tain't given to all of us to 'ave everything, as the ant said to
+the helephant when 'e was boasting about 'is trunk. Some there is as
+ain't got no ear for music--same as Joe Mangles, the grocer down the
+street, as 'as caught a heavy cold in 'is 'ead with taking 'is 'at off
+every time as 'e 'ears 'It's a long long way to Tipperary.' Why, I've
+knowed men," said Mr. Punt, in the manner of one who works himself up
+to an almost incredible climax--"I've knowed men as couldn't tell the
+difference between a linnet's note and a goldfinch."
+
+"Astonishing," I said.
+
+One of the canaries suddenly broke into a rich trill of song, as if to
+add his personal expression of surprise.
+
+"Now there!" Mr. Punt exclaimed, shaking a podgy forefinger at him.
+"There's the bird as give all the trouble and cause words 'tween me
+and Maria, 'e did. 'Artz Mountain roller, that bird is. Beeutiful 'is
+note, ain't it, Sir?"
+
+There really was a deep full tone, distantly suggestive of a
+nightingale's, that favourably distinguished the bird's song from the
+canary's usual acute treble.
+
+"'I'm doubting, Maria,' I say to 'er," Mr. Punt resumed. "No longer
+ago than this very morning I say it--'I'm doubting whether I did ought
+to call that 'ere bird a 'Artz Mountain roller,' I say to 'er--me
+meaning, o' course, as the 'Artz Mountains being, as some thinks, in
+Germany, that pussons wouldn't so much as go to look at a canary as
+called 'isself a 'Artz Mountain bird, as it might be a German bird,
+for all as 'e'd never a-bin no nearer Germany than the Royal Road,
+Chelsea, not never since 'e chip 'is little shell, 'e 'aven't.
+
+"So I ask 'er the question, doubting like, and she up and say, all
+saucy as a jay-bird, 'Why, certainly you didn't ought to call 'im so,'
+she say.
+
+"'Question is, Maria,' I says, 'in that case what did I ought to call
+'im?'
+
+"'And I can tell yer that too, Dad,' she say--Maria did. 'You didn't
+ought to call 'im 'Artz Mountain roller, but ha-Hartz Mountain roller.
+That's the way to call 'im,' she says--impident little 'ussy! But
+there--what's in a name, as the white blackbird said when 'e sat on a
+wooden milestone eating a red blackberry? Still, 'e weren't running
+a live-stock emporium, I expect, when 'e ask such a question as that
+'ere. There's a good deal in 'ow you call a bird, or a dawg or a
+guinea-pig neither, if you want to pass 'im on to a customer in a
+honest way o' trade."
+
+I assured Mr. Punt I had not a doubt of it.
+
+"But I shall be a-practisin' my haitches, Sir," he promised
+me, as I went out with the canary seed which I had called to
+purchase--"practise 'em 'ard, I shall. It's what I ain't a-got at the
+present moment--'a fine ear for the haspirate.' Beeutiful expression
+that, Sir, if you'll excuse me sayin' so. But I don't see no reason
+as a man mightn't 'ope to acquire it, 'im practising constant and
+careful--same as a pusson can learn a bullfinch to pipe ''Ome, sweet
+'Ome.' That haitch is a funny letter, but it's a letter as I shall
+practise. Still, haitches or no haitches," he concluded, with a
+profound sigh, "I wish as I knowed 'ow I could set about coming it
+over that 'ere one-legged widder lidy at Putney what 'ave the two
+great hauk's eggs."
+
+Out of the dusty twilight in the far end of the shop Mrs. Punt's eye
+gleamed balefully.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIGHTY IMPRESSIONS.
+
+THE BARBER.
+
+I went into a tobacco-shop, tendered a pound note and asked for a
+packet of cigarettes and a box of matches. With much regret and a
+smiling face, she informed me she had the goods but no change.
+
+What a dilemma! A shop with cigarettes and matches, but I couldn't
+spare a pound note for them.
+
+An inspiration!--I would go into the hairdressing establishment behind
+the shop, have a shave--which I really didn't need--obtain change and
+make my purchase. Besides, with so many barbers closed owing to the
+strike, it was an opportunity.
+
+This is what happened.
+
+"Good morning, Sir. Your turn next but six."
+
+A long, long interval.
+
+"Shave, Sir? Lovely weather we're having. Razor all right, Sir?"
+
+I said as little as possible; it is the only safe thing.
+
+"Face massage, Sir?"
+
+"No, thanks," I mumbled.
+
+"Wonderful thing for the face, Sir; make a new man of you. Invigorates
+the circulation, improves the complexion--"
+
+"Oh, all right," I gasped.
+
+And then for about twenty minutes snatches of conversation floated to
+me through bundles of wet towels. My head was having a Turkish bath.
+My face was covered with ointments and creams. Currents of electricity
+played about my brow.
+
+"Just trim your hair, Sir?"
+
+I swear I said "No," but before I knew what was happening the scissors
+were running merrily over my head.
+
+"Singeing, Sir?"
+
+"Er--no. I--"
+
+"Finest thing in the world, Sir. It's a treat to see hair like this.
+Just a bit 'endy,' but singeing will soon put that right."
+
+Even had I been blind I should have discovered that I was undergoing
+the process.
+
+"What would you like for the shampoo, Sir? Eau de Quinine--Violet--"
+
+"I don't think--"
+
+My feeble protest was cut short.
+
+"I always recommend Violet," he said, sprinkling my head profusely.
+
+More rubbing, more towels, more electricity and finally a brush and
+comb.
+
+"I've a hair-lotion here, Sir--"
+
+"No, thank you."
+
+I meant it.
+
+He helped me on with my coat, brushed off a deal of imaginary dust,
+said something about skin softeners and bath requisites, but I'd had
+enough for one morning, and I was yearning to get those cigarettes and
+have a smoke.
+
+I tendered my pound note.
+
+He took it, and with his best smile said--
+
+"Another sixpence, Sir, please."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MOTHER, I _HAVE_ BEEN GOOD TO-DAY--SO PATIENT WITH
+NURSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIMP!
+
+  There are many things Dora kept dark
+    That she's now letting into the light,
+  And to-day an astounding aerial barque
+    Has suddenly sailed into sight;
+  But its past makes no sympathies burn,
+    And its future leaves interest limp,
+  Compared with the rapture I feel when I learn
+      That its name is the Blimp.
+
+  Who gave it its title, and why?
+    Was it old EDWARD LEAR from the grave?
+  Since Jumblies in Blimps would be certain to fly
+    When for air they abandon the wave.
+  Was it dear LEWIS CARROLL, perhaps
+    Sent his phantom to christen the barque,
+  Since a Blimp is the obvious vessel for chaps
+      When hunting a snark?
+
+  And to-day, in the first-fruits of joy,
+    I scarcely believe it is true
+  That Blimp is a word we shall one day employ
+    As lightly as now Bakerloo;
+  And my reason refuses to jump
+    To the fact that a man, not an imp,
+  Can flash through the other and land with a bump
+      From a trip in a Blimp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It needs no very profound knowledge of the politics of
+    South-Western Europe to surmise that neither Rumania nor
+    Greece would lend military assistance of this kind without
+    being promised something in return.--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+But a rather more profound knowledge of the geography might be useful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD INVINCIBLE.
+
+It is late in the day to draw attention to Mr. Punch as a prophet.
+Everyone knows that his eyes have always discerned the farthest
+horizon. None the less it is pleasant now and again to succumb to the
+temptation of saying "I told you so," and especially when it is the
+finger of a friendly reader that points the way to the Sage's triumph.
+Were we in the habit of quoting from past numbers, as many of our
+contemporaries do, we should print the following paragraph from the
+issue of September 2nd, 1871:--
+
+"A REAL DANGER.
+
+    "'According to _Le Havre_, about forty Prussian officers in
+    mufti leave Dieppe every morning for England, their object
+    being to visit the military establishments of Great Britain.'
+
+"Here at last is an actual invasion! Prussian officers landing on
+our defenceless shores, on the transparently flimsy pretext of making
+themselves acquainted with our military establishments, at the rate
+(excluding Sundays) of 240 a week, or in this present September, of
+1,080 a month, or, amazing and terrifying total, of 12,520 a year! We
+commend this startling announcement to the attention of the Cabinet
+(Parliament, unfortunately, is not sitting), the Commander-in-Chief,
+the War Office, the Commanders of all Volunteer Corps, the Author of
+'The Battle of Dorking,' _Sergeant Blower_, and _Cheeks the Marine_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_homeward bound, and determined not to
+disappoint_). "WHY, MISSY, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE ARMISTICE THE AIR WAS
+THAT THICK WITH AEROPLANES THE BIRDS HAD TO GET DOWN AND WALK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAUSAGE ROLL.
+
+THE VERY LATEST DANCE.
+
+    [To any English composer who has not yet contributed to the
+    wave of music and dance which is now sweeping the country the
+    writer offers the following as the basis of an entirely new
+    and original dance, strictly national in character and full
+    of that quaint old rustic, not to say aboriginal, grace which
+    distinguishes modern dance-music.]
+
+  Oh say, won't you stay down-away at the Sausage Farm?
+  It's a scream, it wouldn't seem you could dream such perfect ch-e-arm;
+    You can bet that Jazz'll be beat to a frazzle,
+    And the old Fox Trot'll be a pale green mottle,
+  When they gauge what's the rage of the age at the Sausage Farm.
+          (CRASH! BANG! TINKLE!)
+
+  _Come along, you'll be wrong if you miss that Sausage Roll._
+  _Every pig does the jig, for he's in this heart and so-ul:_
+    _See the old sow shout, "What about my litter?"_
+    _But she dries those tears when she hears, poor crittur,_
+  _That they're all at the Ball in the Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll._
+          (TZING! BOOM! The lights go out.)
+
+  Oh, haste, life's a waste till you're based at the Sausage Farm,
+  Where the dog and the hog and the frog go arm-in-arm;
+    And the farm-yard bosses can all do Sosses;
+    The old man's crazy, and his poor Aunt Maisie,
+  Over this hit of bliss (have a kiss) at Sausage Farm.
+          (CLATTER! BUMP! The walls begin to crack.)
+
+  _Come a-quick, you'll be sick if you miss that Sausage Roll,_
+  _For the cow does it now and the cat we can't contro-ol,_
+    _And I heard as she purred, "Oh, I've found my kittens,_
+    _You could bet they'd get with the best-born Britons,_
+  _For they're all at the Ball in the Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll."_
+          (CRASH! BANG! The roof falls in.)
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALL ORDER.
+
+    "SHANGHAI MUNICIPAL COUNCIL POLICE FORCE.--Police recruits are
+    now required. Applicants must be unmarried, of good physique,
+    with sound teeth, about 20 to 25 years of age, not less than
+    57 ft. 10 in. in height."--_Weekly Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lloyd's agent at Chriseiansund telegraphs that
+    wreckage marked 'Wilson Line' drifted ashore near
+    Switzerland."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Following the WILSON line the seas appear to be already behaving with
+unusual freedom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'George Eliot' (Mary Ann Evans), the gifted Warwickshire
+    authoress, who wrote 'Adam Bede' and several other popular
+    works."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+We have noticed the name from time to time, and we are glad to know
+who "GEORGE ELIOT" was.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a "multiple shop" catalogue:--
+
+    "SMOKING ROOM.--The decorations are well worth a special note,
+    and are quite unique of their kind, being without a match
+    anywhere."
+
+Surely not "unique." We know a lot of smoking-rooms equally matchless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST GERMAN VICTORY.
+
+[The German Elections have resulted in a signal defeat for the
+Extremists.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering
+glances at the cakes_). "I DON'T THINK YOU CAN EAT ANY MORE OF THOSE
+CAKES, CAN YOU, JOHN?"
+
+_John_. "NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN. BUT MAY I STROKE THEM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW SCHOOL.
+
+An evening newspaper informs its readers that arrangements are being
+made for "a school for M.P.'s"--"a weekly meeting of Unionist M.P.'s
+new to Parliamentary life, who will receive instruction in the forms
+of the House. They will be taught how to address the SPEAKER, how to
+frame a question," and so forth.
+
+This intelligence is of particular interest in that it conveys an
+admission that our new M.P.'s do not know everything.
+
+Interviewed by a correspondent, Mr. Raleigh Quawe, the able young
+educationist, who, it is understood, is watching the experiment with
+some concern, said, "While I do not wish to seem to be giving away
+too much to the gloom of youth, I cannot help feeling that the school
+may be run on wrong lines unless the greatest care is exercised.
+Will the opportunity be taken for testing methods which have been so
+disastrously absent hitherto from our public school system? I would
+urge those in authority to put away the old formulæ, and to ensure
+the introduction of a right spirit in the school by the appointment of
+young masters endowed with vision and enthusiasm.
+
+"I hope that the worship of sport will not be encouraged. I was never
+one who believed that our battles have been won on the playing-fields
+of Westminster. I am confident that I am not alone in the hope that
+the old games at Westminster will be abandoned.
+
+"It is most important that there should be no suppression of the
+emotional nature. Rob politics of emotion and the newspapers are not
+worth reading; and it must not be forgotten that what Westminster does
+to-day is read of by the British Empire to-morrow. No effort should be
+spared to awaken the artistic sense of the pupils. If the pictures and
+sculptures in and about the corridors of the Houses of Parliament are
+not enough, let others be prepared. No expense should be spared. For
+my part I see no reason why a little music should not be introduced
+occasionally.
+
+"Freedom of opinion should also be encouraged. One fault of our
+educational system has been its tendency to produce mass-thinking.
+This will never do among our Unionist Members of Parliament. Yes, I
+would even advocate that some of the seniors should be allowed to
+read _The Herald_ if they wished to do so, and I question whether _The
+Nation_ would do any of them any harm."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+Notice in a watchmaker's window:--
+
+    "No repairs except to watches recently purchased."
+
+Advertisement in Provincial Paper:--
+
+    "WALK IN,
+
+    But you will be happier when you go out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An extraordinary plague of rats prevails on the Sheffield
+    Corporation rubbish tips at Killamarsh. The rodents have
+    constructed beaten tracks eight inches wide, extending to
+    corn stacks on a local farm, where they have wrought munch
+    havoc."--_Local Paper_.
+
+Quite the right epithet, we feel sure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We make a speciality of gorillas and chimpanzees. They are
+    wonderfully intelligent and can be trained right up to the
+    human standard in all except speech. One of our directors, Mr.
+    ----, and his wife are both able to only be tamed to live in
+    captivity."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+A perusal of the above paragraph is said to have stimulated Mr. ----'s
+gift of speech in a startling degree.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IF THE POETS STRUCK WOULD THE MILITARY BE CALLED IN TO
+DO THEIR WORK?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FATHER THAMES TALKS.
+
+  One day last week, it might be Wed-
+    nesday, or even Friday,
+  A day not yet entirely dead,
+    A shortly-doomed-to-die day,
+  The Naiad who lay stretched in dream
+    Awoke and gave a shiver--
+  The Naiad who has charge of stream
+    And rivulet and river.
+
+I had intended to write the whole of this article in verse, of which
+the above is a shocking sample, but, on the whole, I think I will go
+on in prose. When you have committed yourself to double rhymes, prose
+is the easier medium. In verse it is more difficult to stick to your
+subject, and as the subject in this case is a very important one and
+deserves to be stuck to, I shall do the rest in prose.
+
+Anyhow, the fact is that I have read a paragraph in one of the papers
+about a proposed revival of rowing. Rowing, like other sports, has,
+it seems, lain dormant for the past four years and a half. From the
+moment in 1914 when war was declared it suffered a land-change;
+shorts and zephyr and blazer and sweater were abandoned at once, and,
+for the oarsman as for everybody else, khaki became the only wear.
+Already trained by long discipline to obey, our oarsmen trooped to
+the colours, and wherever hard fighting was to be done their shining
+names are to be found on the muster-roll of fame. Some will return to
+us, but for others there waited the _eternum exitium cymbæ_--a very
+different craft from those to which they were accustomed, but they
+accepted it with pride and without a murmur.
+
+Bearing these things in mind, I went to Henley last week to interview
+Father Thames. I found the veteran totally unchanged in his quarters
+on the Temple Island, and immediately began the interview.
+
+"Dull?" he said. "I believe you, my boy. But they tell me there's talk
+of reviving the regatta. You tell them with my compliments not to be
+in too great a hurry about it. Think of what Henley meant to the lads
+who rowed. They hadn't learnt their skill in a day--no, nor in as many
+days as go to a year."
+
+"Do you then," I said, "consider the regatta only from the oarsman's
+point of view?"
+
+"Really," said the old gentleman, "there's no other. Not but what," he
+added with a chuckle, "it gave them more pleasure to row their races
+with lots of pretty faces to look on. Lor' bless you, I don't object
+to 'em. It's the prettiest scene in the world when the sun shines as
+it sometimes does. And that's enough talking for one afternoon." With
+that he plunged, and nothing I did could bring him to the surface
+again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EARLY ONE MORNING.
+
+  Bound South from Japan to the port of Hong Kong
+  We fell in with a little junk blowing along;
+  We met her all bright at the breaking of day,
+  And we gave her good-morning and passed on our way.
+  She had stretched her red sails like the wings of a bat,
+  And light, like a gull, on the water she sat;
+  She had two big bright eyes for to keep a look-out;
+  On her stern there were dragons cavorting about.
+  And Mrs. Ah Fit by the kitchen did sit
+  Preparing some breakfast for Mr. Ah Fit,
+  The gentleman who, as we saw when we neared her,
+  By waggling the tickle-stick skilfully, steered her.
+  The little Fit men and the little Fit maids
+  Were playing at tig round the brass carronades,
+  And with all the delight of a juvenile Briton
+  The littlest Ah Fitlet was plucking the kitten.
+  With a "How do you do, Sir?" and "Hip, hip, hooray!"
+  'Twas so they blew by at the breaking of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Comedian_ (_who has been instructed to modify his
+humour to suit the taste of a select audience at a charity performance
+at the local theatre_). "THERE YOU ARE! NOT A LAUGH! THIS IS WOT COMES
+OF YOUR 'FUNNY WITHOUT BEIN' VULGAR'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BIVVIE.
+
+"Not a bad possie," said George, looking round the village. "Let's
+rustle a bivvie before the crowd comes along."
+
+All George's performances in the art of rustling bivvies rank as star.
+He permits no coarse and obvious gathering of an expectant horde about
+the opening door; no slacking of straps and bootlaces until the final
+"I will" is said on either side. He debouches in extended order on
+the doomed house; gets his range and has the barrage well in hand (the
+quantity and quality of Madame's gesticulations furnish the key to
+this) before Colin drifts off the horizon and shows a peaked face with
+haunting eyes over George's shoulder. Colin does not speak. That is
+not his _métier_. He is the star shell illuminating the position; and
+usually in about six minutes' time it is safe for John to put in an
+appearance with the kit.
+
+This is the recognised procedure, and it has served us indifferently
+well up and down three years of war and a good deal of France and
+Flanders. Therefore John was not to blame when, after waiting the
+scheduled six minutes, he arrived to find the other two still in
+the thick of it. Either Colin was not haunting up to form (which was
+likely, as he had been over-fed lately) or George's French (which was
+never made in the place where they make marriages) had scandalised
+Madame.
+
+She stood in the door like some historical personage, probably the
+Sphinx, and repeated a guttural kind of incantation while George
+stretched his ears until they stood out more than usual in a struggle
+to understand.
+
+"Rotten patois some of these people speak," he said. "I believe she
+has a room, though something's biting her. Likely enough Fritz went
+off with all her furniture; but I've already explained twenty times
+that that doesn't matter. _Écoutez, Madame._ We only want a room.
+_Chambre-à-coucher._ We can furnish it. We have three beds. _Trois
+lits._ _Trois_ stretcher-beds sent over from _Angleterre_. _À la
+gare._ We've just seen them. _Trois lits nous avons._ Three beds."
+
+"Beds!" Madame pounced on the word. "_C'est cela!_ No beds,
+_Monsieur_. _Je n'en ai pas._"
+
+"Ah, now we know where we are." George looked round triumphantly.
+"_Écoutez, Madame._ We don't want beds. _Nous les desirons jamais._
+We have them. _Trois lits._ We don't want them. We have beds.
+_Comprenez?_"
+
+"No beds," explained Madame firmly.
+
+"But I've just told you--" George plunged again into the maelstrom,
+and a pretty girl appeared from the firelit room behind to stir him
+to his highest flights of eloquence. A smell of savoury cooking
+came also, and out in the street night shut down dark and chill and
+sinister, as it does in all the best novels. John let part of the
+kit down on the door-sill. It was his way of explaining that at the
+present moment there was a deeper, more intimate call than the Call of
+the Wild. Colin moved up a step and turned the haunting-stop full on.
+George redoubled his efforts, making them very clear indeed. We could
+understand almost every word he said.
+
+Then Madame answered, and we could understand that too.
+
+"No beds," she said.
+
+The pretty girl smiled in a troubled way and murmured something in a
+soft voice.
+
+"She says they haven't got any beds in the rooms. Fritz took them
+all," interpreted George. "_Écoutez, Mademoiselle_. We have beds.
+_Trois lits. Nous les avons. Tous les trois. Oui. À la gare.
+Absolument_."
+
+Mademoiselle looked at Madame with a kink of her pretty brows. Madame
+rose like a balloon to the need.
+
+"No beds," she said very distinctly, with a rounding of eyes and
+mouth. "No beds, Messieurs. No-o-o--_beds_."
+
+Before George could recover John interfered. He makes a hobby of
+cutting Gordian knots.
+
+"Oh, what's the earthly use of telling 'em we have beds when they
+can see for themselves that we haven't? They just think we can't
+understand. Let's go up and take the rooms if they're decent. Then
+we'll get the stretchers and put 'em up. That's the only sort of
+argument we can handle."
+
+Manfully George went to work again. And reluctant, and yet obviously
+fascinated by his French, like a bird by a snake, Mademoiselle led
+up the narrow stairs and into a sizeable room, clean as a pin and as
+naked. On the threshold Madame washed her hands of hope.
+
+"_Regardez!_ No beds. _C'est affreux!_"
+
+George began again. He had courage. Whatever else Nature and luck
+denied him there was no question of that. For a little it looked as
+though he were in sight of the goal. Then Mademoiselle explained. They
+were _désolées_, but the _sales Boches_ had stolen all the beds, and
+Madame would not let the bare rooms to _Messieurs les Anglais_. It
+would not be _convenable_ when they had no beds.
+
+"No beds!" Madame appealed to the skylight as witness, and we looked
+at each other. It was getting late and the others would have rustled
+all the best bivvies by now. John had another brain-wave.
+
+"Let's pantomime it. They always understand pantomime. There's no use
+_saying_ we've got beds--not when George has to say it. We'll show
+them."
+
+Earnestly we pantomimed stretcher beds--our own stretcher beds--and
+reposeful slumber thereon. "_Mon Dieu!_" cried Mademoiselle,
+retreating in haste. "No beds," repeated Madame, unconvinced and
+unafraid.
+
+"She means that she doesn't want to have us," said John in cold
+despair.
+
+"She'd be a fool if she did now," answered Colin grimly. "Let's get
+out of this."
+
+And then John had a third brain-wave. He ordered George on guard, and
+descended with Colin in search of the concrete proof of our sanity.
+And Madame's voice, faint yet pursuing, followed us down.
+
+"No beds," it said.
+
+In ten minutes we were back triumphant with the three stretchers. It
+was a full six months since we had written to England for them, and
+they had come at last. Visions of rest went upstairs with us, and
+under the big eyes of Madame and Mademoiselle and several more Madames
+who had collected as unobtrusively as a silk hat collects dust
+we slashed at the coverings, ripped them off and disclosed--three
+deck-chairs.
+
+We did not attempt to meet the situation. We left it to the devil--or
+Madame. And she, with the lofty serenity of one who through long
+and grievous misunderstanding has won home at last, was completely
+adequate.
+
+"No beds," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grieved Wife_. "OH, SIMON, ALL OVER YOUR NOO
+CONTROLLED TROUSERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ADOPTION.--Fine healthy boy, 3½ years; entire surrender
+    to good home. reception. 5 bedrooms; £1,100."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+What an exacting young rascal!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Liebknecht was the son of a father who opposed tyranny in
+    earlier days, who sounded the toxin for liberty."--_Express
+    and Star_ (_Wolverhampton_).
+
+But, to do old LIEBKNECHT justice, it was the son, not the father, who
+spelt it that way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR-DOG'S PARTY.
+
+(_CONTINUED._)
+
+I expected, of course, when I declared the resolution, "Dogs not
+Doormats," open for general discussion that there would be some pretty
+plain barking, but nothing calling for the intervention of the Chair.
+Britain's dogs are sound at heart, even if they do talk a bit wildly
+about the Tyranny of Man and Rabbitism and Abolishing the Biscuiteer.
+I don't agree with a lot of it myself--we Airedales have always been
+conservatively inclined; but I am bound to say that three years in the
+Army open one's eyes to a lot of things.
+
+Nothing of a really seditious character was said until the Borzoi
+commenced to address the meeting. I had always disliked the fellow
+and half suspected him of being an Anarchist or the president of some
+brotherhood or other. (It's funny how these rascals, whose one idea
+is to get something which belongs to somebody else without working
+for it, always call themselves a brotherhood.) But those Russian dogs
+have such a shifty slinking way with them that you can't always tell
+what they are driving at. This Borzoi chap had tried once or twice to
+interest me in what he called the Community of Bones doctrine, but
+I soon found out that his master was a conscientious objector and a
+vegetarian and that the doctrine really meant that he would do the
+communing and I would provide the bones.
+
+The rogue began with some fulsome ingratiating remarks about how
+pleased he was to see so many fine representatives of the canine
+race prepared to maintain intact their sovereign doghood whatever
+the sacrifice might entail. This brought loud applause from the young
+hotheads; but I noticed traces of disgust along the backs of the older
+dogs. The time had passed, he continued, for speeches and resolutions
+and votes of censure. Dogs must act if Man, the enemy, was to be
+finally crushed. I intervened at this point and told the Borzoi he
+must moderate his language, upon which he began to bluster, shouting
+that he would not be put down by an arrogant hireling of effete
+Militarism. One learns to practise self-control in the trenches, so
+I was able to repress an inclination to assert my authority then and
+there. It was no use striking at man himself, he went on, for he
+had guns and whips and stones at his command. We must strike at him
+through his children.
+
+Cries of dissent greeted this statement, and I really think the matter
+would have ended then and there only it so happened that none of those
+present were personally interested in children, except old Betty the
+bulldog, who belongs to four little girls who treat her sovereign
+doghood in a most disrespectful way. But old Betty had gone to sleep,
+and, anyway, she is rather deaf and has no teeth, so it's likely she
+would have confined herself to a formal snuffle of protest. "Yes,"
+shouted the Borzoi, now thoroughly worked up, "let every dog take a
+solemn oath to bite every child on every possible occasion--at least
+when no one is looking--and Man, the oppressor, will soon come begging
+for mercy and make peace with us on our own terms. No false loyalty
+or ridiculous sense of chivalry must withhold us," he continued. "The
+baby in the pram to-day is the man with the whip of to-morrow and must
+be bitten with all the righteous fury of outraged doghood." Cries of
+"Shame!" greeted this remark. I decided that it was time to interpose.
+With all the severity at my command I bade the wretch be silent.
+
+"Fellow dogs," I said, "it is clear that we must choose here and now,
+once and for all, between Britishism and Bolshevism. Tails up those
+who wish to remain British!" And of course every tail went up. "Tails
+up, the Bolshevists!" But the Borzoi's was down beyond recall and
+shivering between his legs. "That being your decision, ladies and
+gentlemen," I continued, "the meeting will constitute itself a
+Committee of Safety. Remarks have been passed about your Chairman
+and the canine forces of His Majesty that cannot be allowed to go
+unchallenged. All I ask is plenty of room and no favour."
+
+All this time the Borzoi had been edging towards the door, and I
+really think he would have tried to make a dash for it, only at the
+last minute he caught the eye of the Irish wolfhound. It's no good
+running away from a dog like that, so Bolshy decided to stay and face
+the music. Well, as I said before, we war dogs are supposed to be as
+modest as we are brave, so I will confine myself to saying that down
+our way Bolshevism hasn't a leg to stand on. Of course Master, when
+he saw my ear, pretended to be angry, but he knows a war dog doesn't
+fight except for his country, and when the Borzoi's owner came round
+next day to complain Master told him he was a miserable Pacifist and
+had no _locus standi_. I told Master afterwards that the Borzoi had no
+_loci standi_ either, because I'd jolly well nearly chewed them off;
+and he laughed and gave me a whole cutlet with a lot of delicious meat
+on it, saying he wasn't hungry himself.
+
+Of course we dogs met again and adopted the rest of our platform; and
+I don't mind saying I kept a pretty tight grip on the proceedings.
+In fact, several resolutions, such as those dealing with "Municipal
+Dog's-meat," "Rabbits in Regent's Park," "The Prosecution of
+Untruthful Parlourmaids," "Shorter Fur and Longer Legs," were carried
+without discussion. Naturally the meetings concluded with a vote of
+thanks to the Chair, to which I replied (they tell me) felicitously.
+
+That is how the War Dogs' Party came into being; and to-morrow I shall
+tell that little terrier fellow from No. 10, Downing Street, that as
+long as his master remains faithful to the Dog-in-the-Street the War
+Dogs' Party will remain faithful to him.
+
+ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OO LUMME! THAT MUST BE THE BLOKE WOT WON THE WAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The little lass, and what worlds away,' one says to oneself
+    on coming out of Mr. Rosing's recital."--_"Times'" Musical
+    Critic_.
+
+It's the worst of music that it makes one so love-sick and
+sentimental.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EXPENSIVE AMUSEMENT.
+
+"As," says one of Mr. Punch's many and very welcome correspondents,
+"you will probably be writing for the benefit of your readers a short
+handbook on how to be demobilised, I enclose for your guidance my
+solicitor's bill. He was engaged from November 12th until I returned
+home on leave on December 30th and took a hand in the game myself.
+The chief work was tracing the various Government Departments to their
+hidden lairs in which they indulge in the pleasing habit of exchanging
+minutes.
+
+"Some day perhaps demobilisation will reach me. The sooner the better,
+for I can never settle this account on my Army pay."
+
+So much for the preamble. Here, with the alteration only of certain
+names, is the document itself. Mr. Jones, it should be mentioned, is a
+member of the firm to which the Officer in question (whom we will call
+Mr. Lute) wishes to return:--
+
+  1918.                                                 £  s. d.
+
+  Nov. 12. Attending Mr. Jones on calling on
+           the telephone as to Mr. Lute and
+           advising him to make an application             6  8
+
+   "   27. Attending Demobilisation Office,
+           Whitehall Gardens, when the place
+           was too crowded to be seen to-day.
+           Engaged nearly two hours.                      13  4
+
+           Writing Mr. Lute I was putting
+           through application.                            3  6
+
+   "   28. Attending New Bridge Street when I
+           interviewed Official and he handed
+           me pivotal form after explaining
+           circumstances.                                 18  4
+
+   "   29. Attending Mr. Jones on calling when
+           Mrs. Lute was present, filling in
+           form after discussing same. Engaged
+           3 to 3.50.                                     10  0
+
+           Copy to keep                                    1  0
+
+   "   30. Attending New Bridge Street,
+           interviewing Official, and he
+           referred Mr. Lute's case to
+           Mr. Bedford Smith, 105a,
+           Portman Square, Head Food
+           Department for your district                   13  4
+
+  Dec.  2. Attending Portman Square,
+           interviewing Official, when
+           he said I had got the wrong
+           form and requested me to
+           go to Whitehall Gardens
+           and ask them about it.
+
+           Attending Demobilisation Office
+           at Whitehall Gardens, interviewing
+           Official when he wanted to know how
+           I had got the form as I had no
+           business to have it as the issue of
+           them had been stopped, and I said it
+           had been given to me, and he was
+           unable to say what should be done
+           with it, but in any event another
+           form ought to be filled up, R.C.V.,
+           and he handed me such form.
+           Engaged 10.30 to 1; 2 to 3.45                3  3  0
+
+  Dec.  3. Attending Portman Square office,
+           when I said that I had been to the
+           office at Whitehall Gardens and
+           they wanted to know how I had got
+           the pivotal form, but he took it
+           in and said he would refer it to
+           the local committee at once, and
+           he gave me the name of the head man
+           there and suggested we might push
+           it if we went to him, and he had
+           nothing to do with the R.C.V. form.            13  4
+
+           Attending Whitehall Gardens asking
+           what they wanted done with R.C.V.
+           form and they said if it was sent
+           in there filled up it would
+           receive attention in its turn.                 10  0
+
+           Writing Mr. Jones to get in
+           touch with Local Authority.                     3  6
+
+   "    5. Attending Mr. Jones on telephone as
+           to getting into touch with local
+           representative, which he would do
+           at once                                         3  4
+
+   "    6. Filling up same and writing
+           them therewith                                  5  0
+
+   "   11. Attending Mr. Jones on telephone
+           when he said Committee had
+           recommended application last
+           Friday evening                                  3  4
+
+   "   12. Attending Portman Square,
+           interviewing Official and
+           they had not received recommendation
+           of local committee                              13 4
+
+   "   13. Attending Mr. Jones, informing
+           him thereof on telephone giving
+           me reference No. and he would send
+           on copy letter to him by local
+           committee recommending application              3  4
+
+   "   16. Attending Portman Square when they
+           had not heard from local committee,
+           handing them copy of their letter
+           and they would act on that                     13  4
+
+   "   18. Writing Mr. Jones as to further
+           form, sent in to him to sign                    3  6
+
+   "   19. Attending Portman Square when
+           application had gone forward                   13  4
+
+           Telephoning to Mrs. Lute to
+           that effect. Like Mr. Jones.                    3  4
+
+   "   20. Writing Mr. Lute as to the matter               3  6
+
+   "   23. Attending Portman Square Official
+           when application was on way to
+           War Office and they said you would
+           be demobilised shortly                         13  4
+
+   "   31. Attending Mr. Lute, showing
+           me correspondence and requesting
+           me to see Demobilisation Department,
+           Broad Street.
+
+  1919
+  Jan. 2.  Attending Broad Street when they
+           had removed to Hotel Windsor and
+           obtaining two forms to fill up to
+           extend your leave while your case
+           went through if necessary and they
+           knew nothing about your case                   13  4
+
+           Attending at your office getting
+           Secretary to sign form.                        10  0
+
+   "   4.  Attending Windsor Hotel when
+           department disbanded and had
+           gone to Lancaster Gate                         13  4
+
+           Attending you reporting on
+           telephone                                       3  4
+
+   "   6.  Fare and expenses                              15  0
+                                                        --------
+                                       Total            £14 5  0
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRINK OF THE GODS.
+
+A PROHIBITIONIST'S CANTICLE.
+
+  Let meaner souls make merry
+    O'er cups of ruby wine,
+  With claret, port or sherry
+    Their tunes incarnadine;
+  Let little boys emphatic
+    Become o'er ginger b.
+  Myself I grow ecstatic
+    About a drink called "Tea."
+
+  Tea elevates one's pecker,
+    Rejuvenates the mind,
+  Enriches the exchequer,
+    Yet never makes men "blind";
+  When footsore and effete I'm
+    From every ache set free,
+  And not alone at tea-time
+    I thank the Lord for "Tea."
+
+  It tells of balmy breezes
+    That blow "o'er Ceylon's isle"
+  (While HEBER mostly pleases
+    His accent here is vile)--
+  Of some far-flung plantation
+    Where Hindus bend the knee;
+  And would my occupation
+    Were prefixed (ah!) by "Tea"!
+
+  'Tis told in classic fable
+    The nectar served to Zeus
+  At his Olympic table
+    Was just a vinous juice;
+  That such is purely fiction
+    I heartily agree,
+  Having the sound conviction
+    'Twas nothing less than "Tea."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PARIS, SATURDAY.
+
+    The Conference will be held in the imposing Salle de la Grande
+    Horloge. The 'hall of the great clock' is about 30in. long by
+    15in. wide."--_Liverpool Echo_.
+
+"Imposing," indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Manchester's £6,000,000 scheme for obtaining water supplies
+    from Haweswater was approved last night at a meeting of
+    ratepayers in the Town Hall. The annual increased consumption
+    of water had been a little over a million gallons per head per
+    day."--_Daily Dispatch_.
+
+The new slogan of the temperance enthusiasts--What Manchester drinks
+to-day England will drink to-morrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor_. "BUT THOSE ATTACKS OF MALARIA DON'T LAST
+LONG, DO THEY?"
+
+_Tommy_. "MINE ISN'T ORDINARY MALARIA. THE DOCTOR CALLS IT
+'MALINGERING MALARIA.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+I own that to find the publishers, those sometimes too generous
+critics, writing upon the wrapper of _An English Family_ (HUTCHINSON)
+an appreciation that bracketed it with _The Newcomes_, did little to
+predispose me in its favour. Later, however, when I had read the book
+with an increasing pleasure, I was ready to admit that the comparison
+was by no means wholly unjustified. Certainly Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE has
+written a very charming story in this history of the _Frothinghams_
+and the growth of their typically English characters, maturing just
+in time for the ordeal that has tested and (one is proud to think)
+triumphantly approved the spirit of our country. In fact these memoirs
+of _Hugh Frothingham_ are something more than an idle romance; there
+is an allegory in them, and some touch of propaganda, cunningly
+introduced in the fine character of _Torrance_, the great surgeon who
+married one of the _Frothingham_ girls and was bombed in the hospital
+raids. Through the varied activities of the family, as they develop,
+passes the cleverly-shown figure of _Hugh_, the narrator, who,
+starting with fairer prospects than any of the others, is ruined by
+indolence and an income, and hardly saved by the War from degenerating
+into the torpid existence of a social pussy-cat. _Hugh_ is an
+admirable example of the difficult art of seemingly unconscious
+self-revelation. Altogether I have found _An English Family_ greatly
+to my taste, displaying as it does a dignity and breadth that recall
+not unworthily the best traditions of the English novel. But did we
+speak of _Serbia_ in 1914? I only ask.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_High Adventure_ (CONSTABLE) is in certain ways the most fascinating
+account of flying and of fliers which has come my way. Captain NORMAN
+HALL, already well known to readers of _Kitchener's Mob_, tells us in
+this later book how he became a member of the Escadrille Américaine
+and how he learned to fly. And, as his modesty is beyond all praise,
+I feel sure that he will forgive me for saying that it is not the
+personal note which is here so specially attractive. What makes his
+book so different from other books on flying is that in it we have
+a novice suffering from all sorts of mishaps and mistakes before he
+has mastered the difficulties of his art. Whether consciously or not
+Captain HALL performs a very great service in describing the life of
+a flier while his wings are--so to speak--only in the sprouting stage.
+In an introduction Major GROS tells us of the work done by American
+pilots before America entered the War, a delightful preface to a book
+which both for its matter and style is good to read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I confess at once that _The Uprooters_ (STANLEY PAUL) is a story that
+I have found hard to understand. There seems an idea somewhere, but
+it constantly eluded me. To begin with, exactly who or what were the
+Uprooters, and what did they uproot? At first I thought the answer
+was going to name _Major_ and _Mrs. Elton_, who for no very sufficient
+reason would go meddling off to Paris, and transporting thence the
+brother and sister _Ormsby_ to Ireland. The _Ormsbys_ had been happy
+and (apparently) harmless enough hitherto, but once uprooted they
+promptly developed the most unfortunate passions--reciprocated,
+moreover--for their well-wishers. The obvious and laudable moral
+of which is, never remove your neighbour from his chosen landmarks.
+Later, however, it became apparent that Mr. J.A.T. LLOYD had a more
+subtle interpretation for his title in the activities of a band
+of pacifists, headed by a multi-millionaire, who called himself an
+American, though somehow his name, _Schwartz_, hardly inspired me
+with any feelings of real confidence. On his death-bed, however, this
+gentleman reveals blood of the most Prussian blue, confessing that his
+wealth has actually been derived from the dividends of Frau BERTHA;
+and as the War has by this time resolved the emotional difficulties
+of the other characters the story comes to its somewhat procrastinated
+finish. My own belief in it had to endure two tests, of which the less
+was inflicted by a scene specifically placed in a "dim _second class_
+carriage" on the L.&N.W.R. in 1916; and the greater by the _cri
+de coeur_ of the lady, whose husband surprised her with her lover:
+"Edmund, get that murderous look out of your eyes, the look of that
+dreadful ancestor in the portrait gallery!" I ask you, does that carry
+conviction under the circumstances?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Really, the delight of the publishers over _Cecily and the Wide World_
+(HURST AND BLACKETT) is almost touching. On the outside of the wrapper
+they call it "charming," and are at the further pains to advise me
+to "read first the turnover of cover," where I find them letting
+themselves go in such terms as "true life," "sincerity," "charm"
+(again), "courage," and the like. The natural result of all which was
+that I approached the story prepared for the stickiest of American
+cloy-fiction. I was most pleasantly disappointed. Miss ELIZABETH F.
+CORBETT has chosen a theme inevitably a little sentimental, but her
+treatment of it is throughout of a brisk and tonic sanity, altogether
+different from--well, you know the sort of stuff I have in mind.
+_Cecily_ was the discontented wife of _Avery Fairchild_, a young
+doctor with three children and a fair practice. After a while her
+discontent so increased that she betook herself to the wide, wide
+world, to live her own life. And as both she and _Avery_ before long
+fell cheerfully in love with other persons I suppose the move could
+so far be counted a success. Before, however, the divorce facilities
+of the land of freedom could bring the tale to one happy ending an
+accident to _Cecily's_ motor and the long arm that delivered her
+to her husband's professional care brought it to another. I am left
+wondering how this dénouement would have been affected if _Avery_
+had been, say, a dentist, or of any other calling than the one that
+so obviously loaded the dice in his favour. I repeat, however, a
+distinctly well-written and human story, almost startlingly topical
+too in one place, where _Dr. Avery_ observes, "There's a lot of
+grippe in town, and it's a thing that isn't reported to the Health
+Department." The obvious inference being that it ought to be. _Avery_,
+you observe, had more practical sense than the majority of heroes, few
+of whom would ever have thought of this, or, at any rate, mentioned
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Baroness ORCZY's romance of old Cambrai, _Flower o' the Lily_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON), should not be regarded as in any way bearing upon the
+more modern history of that remarkable city. It has nothing to do with
+our war; it has a war of its own, a rapid affair of bows and arrows,
+scaling ladders and such desperate situations as can be, and were,
+saved by the arrival of the right man, single-handed, in the right
+place at the right moment. Familiar as is his type in novels of
+this adventurous kind, I think I shall never tire of the consummate
+swordsman hero who impersonates, for political and matrimonial ends, a
+man of infinitely higher degree but far less real worth than himself,
+handling the vicarious business with an incredible adroitness, but
+mistakenly carrying by storm the love of the lady for himself. The
+lady is so confoundedly attractive in these circumstances, possibly
+because there is about them a tonic which lends additional colour
+to the feminine cheek and a new brilliance to the eye. And, however
+bitter may be the first moment when the true personalities are
+divulged, it all comes right in the end. Here is a story of intrigue
+and battle and love, written in the necessary phraseology of the time
+and woven round (and, I trust, consistent with) the historical contest
+between the Spanish and French Powers, disputing the terrain of
+Flanders; in every way a worthy successor of _The Scarlet Pimpernel_.
+It is inevitable to suggest that this story should also be dramatised
+in due course; it would make as a play an instant and irresistible
+appeal to that great public which loves the theatre most when it is
+most theatrical. And it is doubtless destined also for the Movies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE.--_Cologne_--_Present Day_.
+
+"GIE YE CHOCOLATE! _GIE YE CHOCOLATE!!_ D'YE THINK I'VE BEEN BOBBIN'
+UP AN' DOON IN FRONT O' YOUR AULD MON FOR FOUR YEARS JUST TAE COME
+HERE AN' GIE YE CHOCOLATE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SECRETS OF THE FLEET.
+
+    "Few people realise the difficulty senior officers in the Navy
+    who are married and have children have in making both ends
+    meet. Naval officers who entered over fifteen years ago did
+    not, as a rule, come from the married classes."--_Sunday
+    Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Whilst waiting to be bathed, an old blind female inmate of
+    the ---- Institution fell to the floor, breaking her
+    thigh. Her injury has accentuated her death from
+    bronchitis."--_Birmingham Post_.
+
+With a grave accent, we fear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The war broke Germany's hold on world's wild animal trade,
+    the New York Zoological Society chairman states. Zoos and
+    circuses are now turning to British dealers to fill their
+    cages."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Provided that the above paragraph has made the British dealers
+sufficiently wild.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, Jan. 29, 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+Jan. 29, 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Jan. 29, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 2, 2004 [EBook #13927]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 156.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>January 29, 1919.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73"
+       id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>Peace is only a matter of time, says Mr. HUGHES. The
+    ex-Kaiser is said to be of the opinion that Mr. HUGHES might
+    have been more explicit as to who is going to get that
+    "time."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Meanwhile the ex-Kaiser is growing a beard. He evidently has
+    no desire to share the fate of "Wilhelmshaven."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>After reading the numerous articles on whether he should be
+    charged with murder or not, we have come to the conclusion that
+    the answer now rests solely between "Yes" or "No."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. DE VALERA has been appointed a delegate of the Irish
+    Republic to the Peace Conference. The fact that he has not
+    ordered the Peace Conference to come to Brixton prison should
+    satisfy doubters like <i>The Daily News</i> that Sinn Fein can
+    be moderate when it wants to.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>People in search of quiet amusement will be glad to know
+    that there will be an eclipse of the sun on May 29th.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Owing to the overcrowding of Tube trains we understand there
+    is some talk of men with beards being asked to leave them in
+    the ticket offices.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is reported that an All-Tube team has applied for
+    admission to the Rugby Union.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A large number of forged five-pound notes are stated to be
+    in circulation in London. The proper way to dispose of one is
+    to slip it between a couple of genuine fivers when paying your
+    taxi fare.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The ancient office of Town Crier of Driffield, which carries
+    with it a retaining fee of one pound per annum, is vacant.
+    Several Army officers anxious to better themselves have applied
+    for the job.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A large number of "sloping desks," made specially for
+    Government Departments, are offered for sale by the Board of
+    Works. The bulk of them, it is understood, slope at 3.30
+    P.M.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The mysterious disappearance of sheep from Barnstaple has
+    led to the report that some Government Department has fixed a
+    price for sheep.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"It is not practicable," says the London Electric Railway
+    Company, "for passengers to enter Tube cars at one door and
+    leave by the other, because the end cars have only one door."
+    The idea of reserving these cars for persons getting in or out,
+    but not both, appears to have been overlooked.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is no truth in the report that the lodging, fuel and
+    light allowance of Officers is to be raised from two shillings
+    and sevenpence to two shillings and sevenpence halfpenny per
+    day, the cost of living having increased since the Peninsular
+    War.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"What is reported to be the largest sapphira in the world,"
+    says a contemporary, "disappeared when the Bolshevists took
+    Kieff." We suspect that the largest living Ananias had a hand
+    in the affair.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is not surprising to learn, following the Police Union
+    meeting, that the burglars have decided to "down jemmies"
+    unless the eight-hour night is conceded.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The rumour that there was a vacant house in the Midlands
+    last week has now been officially denied.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>With reference to the Market Bosworth woman who, though
+    perfectly healthy, has remained in bed for three years, until
+    removed last week by the police, it now appears that she told
+    the officers that she had no idea it was so late.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"What can be done to make village life more amusing?" asks
+    <i>The Daily Mirror</i>. We are sorry to find our contemporary
+    so ignorant of country life. Have they not yet heard of Rural
+    District Councils?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An Oxted butcher having found a wedding ring in one of the
+    internal organs of a cow, it is supposed that the animal must
+    have been leading a double life.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"In order to live long," says Dr. EARLE, "live simply."
+    Another good piece of advice would be: "Simply live."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Streatham man who has been missing from his home since
+    November, 1913, has just written from Kentucky. This disposes
+    of the theory that he might have been mislaid in a Tube
+    rush.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Distrust of lawyers," Mr. Justice ATKIN told the boys of
+    Friars School recently, "is largely caused by ignorance of the
+    law." Trust in them, on the other hand, is entirely due to
+    ignorance of the cost.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Giving evidence at Marylebone against a mysterious foreigner
+    charged with using a forged identity book, the police said they
+    did not know the real name and address of the man. The Bench
+    decided to obviate the difficulty in the matter of the
+    address.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In a Liverpool bankruptcy case last week the debtor stated
+    that he had lost six hundred pounds in one day rabbit-coursing.
+    The Receiver pointed out that he could have almost bought a new
+    set of rabbits for that.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/73.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/73.png"
+             alt="THE PICTURE OF THE YEAR." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE PICTURE OF THE YEAR.</h3>PROBABLE EFFECT AT THIS
+        YEAR'S ACADEMY EXHIBITION OF THE ELECTION OF SIR ASTON
+        WEBB, THE FAMOUS ARCHITECT, TO THE PRESIDENCY.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>From a list of wedding presents:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Case of sauce ladies from Mr. W.
+        &mdash;&mdash;."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>No doubt he was glad to be rid of them.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The &mdash;&mdash; National Kitchen has had to close
+        down.... The great majority of the patrons were Army Pap
+        Corps."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Who presumably required only liquid refreshment.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The German Government has protested to Russia against
+        the 'criminal interference' of olsheviks in the internal
+        affairs of Germany."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Much correspondence will now doubtless take place, as it
+    seems evident that the Bolsheviks have sent their initial
+    letter in reply.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74"
+       id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+
+    <h2>GETTING OUT.</h2>
+
+    <p>"If you belong to any of the following classes," said the
+    Demobilisation advertisement, "do nothing." So Lieut. William
+    Smith did nothing.</p>
+
+    <p>After doing nothing for some weeks he met a friend who said,
+    "Hallo, aren't you out yet?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not yet," said William, looking at his spurs.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, you ought to <i>do</i> something."</p>
+
+    <p>So Lieut. William Smith decided to do something. He was a
+    pivotal-man and a slip-man and a one-man-business and a
+    twenty-eight-days-in-hospital man and a W.O. letter ZXY/999
+    man. Accordingly he wrote to the War Office and told them
+    so.</p>
+
+    <p>It was, of course, a little confusing for the authorities.
+    Just as they began to see their way to getting him out as a
+    pivotal man, somebody would decide that it was quicker to
+    demobilise him as a one-man-business; and when this was nearly
+    done, then somebody else would point out that it was really
+    much neater to reinstate him as a slip-man. Whereupon a
+    sub-section, just getting to work at W.O. letter ZXY/999, would
+    beg to be allowed a little practice on William while he was
+    still available, to the great disgust of the medical
+    authorities, who had been hoping to study the symptoms of
+    self-demobilisation in Lieut. Smith as evidenced after
+    twenty-eight days' in hospital.</p>
+
+    <p>Naturally, then, when another friend met William a month
+    later and said, "Hallo, aren't you out yet?" William could only
+    look at his spurs again and say, "Not yet."</p>
+
+    <p>"Better go to the War Office and have a talk with somebody,"
+    said his friend. "Much the quickest."</p>
+
+    <p>So William went to the War Office. First he had a talk with
+    a policeman, and then he had a talk with a porter, and then he
+    had a talk with an attendant, and then he had a talk with a
+    messenger girl, and so finally he came to the end of a long
+    queue of officers who were waiting to have a talk with
+    <i>somebody</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not so many here to-day as yesterday," said a friendly
+    Captain in the Suffolks who was next to him.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh!" said William. "And we've got an army on the Rhine
+    too," he murmured to himself, realising for the first time the
+    extent of England's effort.</p>
+
+    <p>At the end of an hour he calculated that he was within two
+    or three hundred of the door. He had only lately come out of
+    hospital and was beginning to feel rather weak.</p>
+
+    <p>"I shall have to give it up," he said.</p>
+
+    <p>The Captain tried to encourage him with tales of gallantry.
+    There was a Lieutenant in the Manchesters who had worked his
+    way up on three occasions to within fifty of the door, at which
+    point he had collapsed each time from exhaustion; whereupon two
+    kindly policemen had carried him to the end of the queue again
+    for air.... He was still sticking to it.</p>
+
+    <p>"I suppose there's no chance of being carried to the
+    <i>front</i> of the queue?" said William hopefully.</p>
+
+    <p>"No," said the Captain firmly; "we should see to that."</p>
+
+    <p>"Then I shall have to go," said William. "See you
+    to-morrow." And as he left his place the queue behind him
+    surged forward an inch and took new courage.</p>
+
+    <p>A week later William suddenly remembered Jones. Jones had
+    been in the War Office a long time. It was said of him that you
+    could take him to any room in the building and he could find
+    his way out into Whitehall in less than twenty minutes. But
+    then he was no mere "temporary civil-servant." He had been the
+    author of that famous W.O. letter referring to Chevrons for
+    Cold Shoers which was responsible for the capture of Badajoz;
+    he had issued the celebrated Army Council Instruction,
+    "Commanding Officers are requested to replace the pivots,"
+    which had demobilised MARLBOROUGH's army so speedily; and, as
+    is well known, HENRY V. had often said that without
+    Jones&mdash;well, anyhow, he had been in the War Office a long
+    time. And William knew him slightly.</p>
+
+    <p>So William sent up his card.</p>
+
+    <p>"I want to talk to somebody," he explained to Jones. "I
+    can't manage more than of couple of hours a day in the queue
+    just now, because I'm not very fit. If I could sit down
+    somewhere and tell somebody all about myself, that's what I
+    want. Any room in the building where there are no queues
+    outside and two chairs inside. I'd be very much obliged to
+    you."</p>
+
+    <p>"I'll give you a note to Briggs," said Jones promptly. "He's
+    the fellow to get you out."</p>
+
+    <p>"Thanks <i>awfully</i>," said the overjoyed William.</p>
+
+    <p>A messenger girl took him and the note to Captain Briggs.
+    Briggs listened to the story of William's
+    qualifications&mdash;or rather disqualifications&mdash;and
+    considered for a moment.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, we ought to get you out very quickly," he said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Good," said William. "Thanks <i>awfully</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>"Walters will tell you just what to do. He's a pal of mine.
+    I'll give you a note to him."</p>
+
+    <p>So in another minute the overjoyed William was following a
+    messenger girl to the room of Lieutenant Walters.</p>
+
+    <p>Walters was very cheerful. The thing to do, he said, was to
+    go to Sanders. Sanders would get him out in half-an-hour. He'd
+    give William a note, and then Sanders would do his best. The
+    overjoyed William followed the messenger girl to Sanders.</p>
+
+    <p>"That's all right," said Sanders a few minutes later. "We
+    can get you out at once on this. Do you know Briggs?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Briggs," said William, with a sudden sinking feeling.</p>
+
+    <p>"I'll give you a note to him. He knows all about it. He'll
+    get you out at once."</p>
+
+    <p>"Thank you," said William faintly.</p>
+
+    <p>He put the note in his pocket and strode briskly out in
+    search of the dear old queue.</p>
+
+    <p>"It will be quicker after all," he told himself, as he took
+    his place at the end of the queue next to a Lieutenant in the
+    Manchesters. ("Don't crowd him," said a policeman to William;
+    "he wants air.")</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>And you think perhaps that the story ends here, with William
+    in the queue again? Oh, no. William is a man of resource. The
+    very next day he met another friend, who said, "Hallo, aren't
+    you out yet?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not yet," said William.</p>
+
+    <p>"My boy got out a month ago."</p>
+
+    <p>"H-h-h-how?" said William.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah well, you see, he's going up to Cambridge. Complete his
+    education and all the rest of it. They let 'em out at once on
+    that."</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah!" said William thoughtfully.</p>
+
+    <p>William is thirty-eight, but he has taken the great
+    decision. He is going up to Cambridge next term. He thinks it
+    will be quicker. He no longer stands in the queue for two hours
+    every day; he spends the time instead studying for his Little
+    Go.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">A.A.M.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TREES AND FAIRIES.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The larch-tree gives them needles</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To stitch their gossamer things;</p>
+
+            <p>Carefully, cunningly toils the oak</p>
+
+            <p>To shape the cups of the fairy folk;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sycamore gives them wings.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The lordly fir-tree rocks them</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">High on his swinging sails;</p>
+
+            <p>The hawthorn fashions their tiny spears,</p>
+
+            <p>The whispering alder charms their ears</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With soft mysterious tales.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The chestnut decks their ball-room</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With candles red and white,</p>
+
+            <p>While all the trees stand round about</p>
+
+            <p>With kind protecting arms held out</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To guard them through the night.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">R.F.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75"
+       id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/75.png"
+             alt="THE LOST ALLY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE LOST ALLY.</h3>PEACE. "I HOPED HE WOULD MAKE MY
+        PATH EASIER FOR ME&mdash;NOT MORE DIFFICULT."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76"
+       id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE MINISTERIAL TREADMILL.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Being a free résumé of Lord CURZON's speech at the
+    Eccentric Club on Wednesday the 22nd.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Lord CURZON rises with the lark&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>That is (at present) when it's dark&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Breakfasts in haste on tea and toast,</p>
+
+            <p>Then grapples with the early post,</p>
+
+            <p>And reads the newspapers, which shed</p>
+
+            <p>Denunciation on his head.</p>
+
+            <p>Having digested their vagaries</p>
+
+            <p>He calls his faithful secretaries</p>
+
+            <p>And keeps them writing, sheet on sheet,</p>
+
+            <p>Until he's due in Downing Street.</p>
+
+            <p>The Cabinet is seldom through</p>
+
+            <p>Until the clock is striking two,</p>
+
+            <p>When Ministers, dispersing, munch</p>
+
+            <p>Their frugal sandwiches for lunch.</p>
+
+            <p>Then back into affairs of State</p>
+
+            <p>Again they plunge from three till eight,</p>
+
+            <p>Presiding, guiding, interviewing,</p>
+
+            <p>Tea conscientiously eschewing,</p>
+
+            <p>Until exhausted nature cries</p>
+
+            <p>At half-past eight for more supplies.</p>
+
+            <p>Another hasty meal is snatched</p>
+
+            <p>And, when the viands are despatched,</p>
+
+            <p>Once more our admirable Crichton,</p>
+
+            <p>Though feeling like a weary Titan,</p>
+
+            <p>Resumes the toil of brain and pen</p>
+
+            <p>Till two is sounded by Big Ben.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <hr class="short" />
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The life of those whom duty spurs on</p>
+
+            <p>To lead laborious days, like CURZON,</p>
+
+            <p>Is not the life of BILLY MERSON</p>
+
+            <p>Or any gay inferior person.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3><i>RUS IN URBE.</i></h3>
+
+    <p>The Selborne Society, which used to be a purely rural
+    expeditionary force, has lately taken to exploring London, and
+    personally-conducted tours have been arranged to University
+    College in darkest Gower Street, where Sir PHILIP MAGNUS and
+    Sir GREGORY FOSTER will act as guides, and to the Royal Courts
+    of Justice, where Sir EDWARD MARSHALL HALL, K.C., "will
+    describe the methods of conducting civil actions." What GILBERT
+    WHITE would say to all this brick-and-mortar sophistication we
+    do not dare to guess. All that we venture to do is to suggest
+    one or two more urbane adventures.</p>
+
+    <p>Why, for example, should not a visit be paid to the House of
+    Lords, under the direction of the new LORD CHANCELLOR? Five
+    minutes spent on the Woolsack in such company not only would be
+    a treasured memory, but a liberal (or, at any rate, a
+    coalition) education. After such an experience all the
+    Selbornians should come away better fitted to climb the ascents
+    which life offers.</p>
+
+    <p>Again, if Sir HORACE MARSHALL, the Lord Mayor, invited the
+    Society to the Mansion House they might be enormously
+    benefited. Of turtle doves they naturally know all; GILBERT
+    WHITE would have seen to that; but what do they know of turtle
+    soup? Well, the LORD MAYOR would instruct them. He would show
+    them the pools under the Mansion House where these creatures
+    luxuriate while awaiting their doom; he would indicate the
+    areas beneath the shell from some of which is extracted the
+    calipash and from some the calipee; he might even induce the
+    Most Worshipful Keeper of the Turtles, O.B.E., to discourse on
+    the subject.</p>
+
+    <p>Then there is New Scotland Yard. It would be a scandal for
+    the members of the Selborne Society not to visit that home of
+    amity and see all the New Scots at work in tracking down the
+    breakers of the laws that are made in the picturesque building
+    with the clock tower so close by. And not very distant is the
+    War Office, where mobilisation-while-you-wait may be studied at
+    first hand, we don't think. Indeed, London offers such
+    opportunities that we shall be surprised if the Selborne
+    Society ever looks at a mole or a starling again.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ROAD TO THE RHINE.</h2>
+
+    <h3>BUSINESS LEAVE.</h3>
+
+    <p>Of course we <i>know</i> demobilisation is proceeding apace.
+    We <i>know</i> that pivotal men are simply pirouetting to
+    England in countless droves. We know it because we see it in
+    the papers (when they come), and it is a great source of
+    comfort to us. But since it is six days' train journey and four
+    days' lorry-hopping from where we sit guarding the wrong side
+    of the river to the necessary seaport, perhaps they have
+    forgotten us, or they are keeping all the pivots in this area
+    for one final orgy of demobilisation at some future date, which
+    for the moment I am not at liberty to disclose.</p>
+
+    <p>At present my poor friend Cook is sitting in the Company
+    Mess with his thoughts all of the inside of Army prisons,
+    instead of the glowing pictures he used to have of himself
+    exchanging his battle-bowler for the headgear of civilisation.
+    He says I'm responsible for his state of mind, because I first
+    put the idea into his head. Well, I did; but I don't see how
+    you can blame the fellow who filled the shell if some silly ass
+    hits it on the nose-cap with a hammer.</p>
+
+    <p>It started like this. After the Demobilisation General Post
+    had sounded Cook spent his time writing to everybody who did
+    not know him well enough to down his chances, filled up all the
+    forms in triplicate and packed his valise ready to start off
+    any time of the day or night for England, home and wholesale
+    hardware, which is his particular pivot. I may say here that
+    nominally this business is run by him and his brother, and the
+    fact that they are now both in the Army is probably the chief
+    reason why the manager in charge is able to make the business
+    pay. However, you know what people are; if they draw receipts
+    from a business nothing will persuade them but that they must
+    be there, "on the spot you know," to "look after it." So,
+    seeing his face grow longer and longer as the days went by
+    without the Quarter-Master coming round and handing him his
+    ration trilby hat, civvy suit and the swagger cane he hopes
+    for, I said, "Why don't you put in for two months' business
+    leave?"</p>
+
+    <p>The air was at once rent with a fearful rush of leaves of
+    his A.B. 153, and he ceased to take any interest in his platoon
+    from that moment. In vain I urged upon him the consummate folly
+    of neglecting to inquire more closely into the case of a
+    reprobate in No. 11 Platoon who had so far forgotten all sense
+    of discipline as to set out his kit with haversack on the left
+    instead of the right (or <i>vice-versâ</i>, I forget which, but
+    the Sergeant-Major spotted it.). He even went the length of
+    saying he didn't care a cuss; and when I asked him
+    sarcastically if he had forgotten the Platoon Commander's
+    pamphlet-bible, "Am I offensive enough?" he said he thought he
+    was, and I agreed with him.</p>
+
+    <p>When the whole mess-room was simply a-flutter with torn-out
+    leaves from his A.B. 153, representing his abortive attempts to
+    put down his application succinctly and plausibly, we all began
+    to take an interest in his case. We crowded round and offered
+    him most valuable hints. Together we got through two very
+    pleasant evenings and three or four A.B.'s 153, and still the
+    application remained in a tentative state. We got on all right
+    to start with, but it was after the "I have the honour to
+    submit for the approval and recommendation of the Commanding
+    Officer this my application for two months' business leave"
+    that we got stuck.</p>
+
+    <p>Of course <i>I</i> know it was no use, anyway. I have seen
+    these things go forward before. They have no chance.</p>
+
+    <p>It was then that a stroke of genius (unfortunate, as it
+    turned out, but a stroke of genius nevertheless) occurred to
+    me. "Why not say that your manager is a complete fool and in
+    his hands the business is going to rack and ruin?" I said. He
+    bit at it like a tiger, and only the law of libel prevented him
+    putting it into execution there and then;
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77"
+       id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> but all the same we had a
+       jolly fine argument (six of us) about it for some three
+       hours, and nobody got put out of the room for introducing
+       acrimony into the discussion.</p>
+
+    <p>Finally, he said that he was sure his brother wouldn't mind
+    his saying it about <i>him</i>, and the application went in as
+    follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>To Adjutant, First Crackshire Regt.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Sir,&mdash;I have the honour to submit for the approval and
+    recommendation of the Commanding Officer this my application
+    for two months' business leave in the following special
+    circumstances:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>The necessity of my presence in the business (wholesale
+    hardware) has become more and more urgent of late. It is
+    imperative that I should get home at once owing to the total
+    incapability of my partner to carry out simple directions which
+    are dictated by letters, and it is no exaggeration to say that
+    the business, which has been built up almost entirely by my
+    efforts, must inevitably collapse unless it receives my
+    personal attention at once.</p>
+
+    <p>My address would be, etc., etc., London.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I am, Sir,</p>
+
+            <p>Your obedient Servant, etc., etc.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Adjutant looked serious when he read it. So did Cook,
+    for he thought the Adjutant had noted the London address and
+    had remembered the business was in Bristol. But it was all
+    right. It wasn't that at all really. Pencil and squared paper
+    are poor means of conveying information at any time, and when
+    the Adjutant had been assured that the business was really
+    "wholesale hardware," and not "wholesale hardbake," as he had
+    first read it, everything went swimmingly. The C.O. signed it
+    and off it went on its momentous journey. Cook began to take a
+    renewed interest in his platoon, and, having discovered the
+    recalcitrant one of No. 11 actually coming on parade with only
+    the front of the tip of his bayonet-scabbard polished, he took
+    a fiendish delight in seeing the criminal writhing under the
+    brutal and savage sentence of three days' C.B.</p>
+
+    <p>A week later he got a great surprise. His brother-partner
+    turned up with a draft of men and found himself posted to the
+    battalion. The brothers met, as only brothers can, with the
+    words, "What the deuce are you doing here?" Highly elated, Cook
+    told him about the application for business leave and gloated
+    over his chances of being home first, and on full pay too. His
+    brother was intensely amused, and they both laughed heartily,
+    when he told us that he himself, while waiting at the
+    reception-camp with the draft, had put in much the same kind of
+    application, saying the same kind of things about Cook.</p>
+
+    <p>But when they realised that both applications would be
+    forwarded to the same Divisional Headquarters for consideration
+    the joke lost some of its savour. And when the Adjutant called
+    them up and handed the two returned applications <i>pinned
+    together</i> both brothers needed all their qualities of
+    toughness and rigidity which, as I understand, are acquired in
+    the wholesale hardware business.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">L.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/77.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/77.png"
+             alt="Shortsighted Traveller and Naval Officer." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Shortsighted Traveller</i>. "IS THERE SOME DELAY ON
+        THE LINE, MY GOOD MAN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Naval Officer</i>. "WHO THE &mdash;&mdash; DO YOU
+        THINK I AM, SIR?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Traveller</i>. "ER&mdash;N-NOT THE VICAR,
+        ANYWAY."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"Homes Furnished Complete."</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Oak bedstead, 3 ft. 6 in., with wife and Wool Mattress,
+        new condition, £5 10<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i>
+        lot."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>,</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"One Parsel Furnishing goods curtains, cushion covers,
+        etc., Rs. 26; one bundle babies, Rs. 5.&mdash;Apply Mrs.
+        &mdash;&mdash;."&mdash;<i>Ceylon Independent</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Temporary Cook wants Hampshire."&mdash;<i>Morning
+        Post</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Really quite moderate. Some cooks nowadays seem to want the
+    whole earth.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78"
+       id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/78.png"
+             alt="POST-WAR PROBLEMS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>POST-WAR PROBLEMS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Adjutant</i> (<i>who has been interrupted in his real
+        work by a summons from Colonel</i>). "YES, SIR?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Temporary Colonel</i>. "I
+        SAY&mdash;ER&mdash;SMITH&mdash;IT'S SO UNCERTAIN HOW LONG
+        WE SHALL BE OUT HERE&mdash;DEMOBILISATION, YOU KNOW.
+        ER&mdash;FACT IS&mdash;<i>DO</i> YOU THINK IT WORTH MY
+        WHILE GETTING ANOTHER PAIR OF BREECHES?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE VISITOR.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When yesterday I went to see my friends&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Watching their patient faces in a
+            row,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I want to give each boy a
+            D.S.O.)&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>When yesterday I went to see my friends,</p>
+
+            <p>With cigarettes and foolish odds and ends</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Knowing they understand how well I
+            know</p>
+
+            <p>That nothing I may do can make amends,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But that I must not grieve or tell them
+            so),</p>
+
+            <p>A pale-faced Inniskilling, tall and slim,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who'd fought two years and now was just
+            eighteen,</p>
+
+            <p>Smiled up and showed, with eyes a little dim,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">How someone left him, where his leg had
+            been,</p>
+
+            <p>On the humped bandage that replaced the limb,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A tiny green glass pig to comfort
+            him.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>These are the men who've learned to laugh at
+            pain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And if their lips have quivered when they
+            spoke</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They've said brave things or tried to
+            make a joke;</p>
+
+            <p>Said it's not worse than trenches in the rain,</p>
+
+            <p>Or pools of water on a chalky plain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or bitter cold from which you stiffly
+            woke,</p>
+
+            <p>Or deep wet mud that left you hardly sane,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or the tense wait for "Fritz's master
+            stroke."</p>
+
+            <p>You seldom hear them talk of their "bad luck,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And suffering has not spoiled their ready
+            wit,</p>
+
+            <p>And oh! you'd hardly doubt their fighting pluck,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When each new operation shows their
+            grit;</p>
+
+            <p>Who never brag of blows for England struck,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But only yearn to "get about a bit."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The Allies had threatened to destroy the Dardanelles if
+        the Medina garrison did not surrender."&mdash;<i>Birmingham
+        Mail</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>So, being reduced to its last Straits, the garrison
+    surrendered.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"MATRIMONY&mdash;Young Lady (21), good prospects, wishes
+        to correspond with young man, similar age, with a view to
+        above; no rebels need apply."&mdash;<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But we guess there will be one Home Ruler in the family.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Replying to a query concerning the rumour that Messrs.
+        Guinness were in treaty for the purchase of the National
+        hell Factory, Parkgate Street, a representative of that
+        firm said this afternoon: 'We have no statement to make at
+        all.'"&mdash;<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We gather that the printer is a Prohibitionist.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"At Doncaster on Saturday, Messrs. &mdash;&mdash; sold
+        for £7,100 the fully licensed house at Armthorpe known as
+        the Plough Inn to the Markham Main Colliery Company, the
+        proprietors of the colliery being sunk in the
+        parish."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Post</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Not <i>spurlos versenkt</i>, we trust. Perhaps it is hoped
+    that the Plough will unearth them.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79"
+       id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span>
+
+    <h2>TEACHING TOMMY.</h2>
+
+    <p>Here is a simple method of aiding the admirable efforts of
+    educational Staff-Officers in the army.</p>
+
+    <p>Let all Regimental Orders be interspersed with items of
+    information likely to be of use in civilian life.
+    Thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>53. ... will be rendered to this office, in triplicate, by
+    noon to-morrow.</p>
+
+    <p>53A. <i>Etiquette, Points of</i>. It is not considered
+    correct to address an Archbishop as "Archie" unless one is on
+    terms of considerable intimacy with him. In writing to a
+    Duchess never commit the vulgar error of putting a stamp on the
+    envelope; the sixth footman in a ducal household is always
+    provided with a fund in respect of unpaid postage on incoming
+    correspondence.</p>
+
+    <p>54. ... is placed out of bounds to all troops on account of
+    an outbreak of mumps.</p>
+
+    <p>54A. <i>Data, Geographical</i>.&mdash;Of all fish those of
+    the Bay of Biscay are perhaps the best nourished. An isthmus is
+    a piece of land which saves another piece of land from being an
+    island. The principal exports of Germany are prisoners of
+    war.</p>
+
+    <p>55. ... to be read on three consecutive parades.</p>
+
+    <p>55A. <i>Theory</i>, <i>Untenable</i>,
+    <i>Literary</i>.&mdash;The The theory that BACON was a
+    pork-butcher and derived inspiration for <i>Hamlet</i> by
+    gazing at the viands in his shop has now been disproved.</p>
+
+    <p>56. ... and a sum of twopence per haircut will be chargeable
+    against public funds.</p>
+
+    <p>56A. <i>Courts, Foreign</i>.&mdash;The Sultan of Socotra is
+    entitled to a salute of fourteen popguns and one catapult.
+    Before approaching the throne of the Duke of the Djibouti one
+    is required to take lessons from the Court Contortionist.</p>
+
+    <p>57. ... and Company Commanders are reminded of their
+    responsibility in this matter.</p>
+
+    <p>57A. <i>World, the Animal</i>.&mdash;It is interesting to
+    know that the inventor of the Tank first planned that engine of
+    warfare while watching the peregrinations of the armadillo at a
+    travelling menagerie. The efficacy of our blockade was such
+    that large consignments of armadillo-fodder were prevented from
+    reaching Germany, the consequent demise of all German-kept
+    armadilloes thus robbing our enemy of the opportunity of
+    devising a similar instrument.</p>
+
+    <p>58. ... will parade in full marching order at Reveille.</p>
+
+    <p>58A. <i>Facts, Historical</i>.&mdash;There once was a king
+    who never smiled again, but history might have recorded a
+    different verdict had His Majesty witnessed the spectacle of
+    the Second-in-Command, on a frisky horse, trying to drill the
+    Battalion.</p>
+
+    <p>59. ... will therefore immediately submit rolls of all
+    skilled organ-blowers of Category B ii.</p>
+
+    <p>59A. <i>Information, General</i>.&mdash;If all the Treasury
+    Notes circulated in the United Kingdom since 1914 were placed
+    end to end they might reach from Bristol to Yokohama and back,
+    but they would not constitute a sufficient inducement to a
+    London taxi-driver.</p>
+
+    <p>60. ... and this practice must cease forthwith.</p>
+
+    <p>60A. <i>Query, Our Daily</i>.&mdash;What is Popocatapetl? Is
+    it an indoor game, a cannibal tribe, a curative herb, or
+    neither? Solutions are invited.</p>
+
+    <p>There are two very advantageous points about this scheme:
+    (1) The ingenious system of numbering would avoid interference
+    with army routine, which must go on: and (2) men might be
+    encouraged to read Regimental Orders.</p>
+
+    <p>This suggestion is made without hope of fee or reward. Its
+    author does not even ask for extra duty pay.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/79.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/79.png"
+             alt="HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Tramp</i>. "CAN YOU SPARE A PORE OLD GENTLEMAN THE
+        PRICE OF A CUP OF KORFEE. SIR?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Sub.</i> (<i>in high spirits</i>). "RIGHT-O. ALL THE
+        COFFEE YOU WANT AND THE PRICE OF A SHAVE AND A HAIR-CUT AS
+        WELL."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Tramp</i>. "WILL YER? THEN WHO'S A-GOIN' TO KEEP ME
+        WHILE MY 'AIR AN' BEARD GROWS AGAIN?".</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80"
+       id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>
+
+    <h2>A FINE EAR FOR THE HASPIRATE.</h2>
+
+    <p>"I wish 'as 'ow I warn't married."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punt crooned out the impious aspiration as he sorted a
+    judicious modicum of hemp into the canary seed. He spoke in
+    semi-soliloquy, yet quite loud enough to reach the vigilant ear
+    of Mrs. Punt, who was dusting the cages at the other end of the
+    live-stock store. She said nothing in reply, but her eye fixed
+    itself upon him with a glint eloquent of what she might say
+    later.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why is that, Mr. Punt?" I asked encouragingly.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, it's on'y to-day, Sir, as I met a lidy, a widder lidy,
+    friend o' Uncle George's down Putney way, as 'as one leg, a
+    nice little bit o' 'ouse property and two great hauk's
+    eggs."</p>
+
+    <p>It did seem a rare combination of marriageable qualities. I
+    asked the value of a great auk's egg, and was surprised to
+    learn that a specimen had recently been sold at auction for
+    something like three hundred pounds. I inquired whether all the
+    great auks' eggs that came on the market were genuine, or
+    whether "faked" specimens were to be met with. I had heard, I
+    thought, of "faked" eagles' eggs.</p>
+
+    <p>"Different kind o' bird altogether, Sir, and different kind
+    o' egg. Can't very well be imitated. You didn't think as I said
+    great 'awk, Sir?" he asked very anxiously.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, no; I understand," I hastened to assure him.</p>
+
+    <p>"The 'awk, Sir, is a bird o' the heagle kind; the hauk's a
+    different kind altogether&mdash;web-footed, aquatic&mdash;was,
+    I should rather say, seeing as 'ow 'e's un appily extinct. Hauk
+    and 'awk, Sir&mdash;you take the difference?"</p>
+
+    <p>I said that I thought the distinction was perceptible to a
+    fine ear for the aspirate.</p>
+
+    <p>The phrase took the little man's fancy wonderfully. "That's
+    it, Sir," he exclaimed, beaming up delightedly at me. "You've
+    'it it! Done it in one, you 'ave. 'Fine ear for the
+    haspirate'&mdash;that's what my darter Maria 'ave and what I,
+    for one, 'ave not. I'm not above confessing of it; 'tain't
+    given to all of us to 'ave everything, as the ant said to the
+    helephant when 'e was boasting about 'is trunk. Some there is
+    as ain't got no ear for music&mdash;same as Joe Mangles, the
+    grocer down the street, as 'as caught a heavy cold in 'is 'ead
+    with taking 'is 'at off every time as 'e 'ears 'It's a long
+    long way to Tipperary.' Why, I've knowed men," said Mr. Punt,
+    in the manner of one who works himself up to an almost
+    incredible climax&mdash;"I've knowed men as couldn't tell the
+    difference between a linnet's note and a goldfinch."</p>
+
+    <p>"Astonishing," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>One of the canaries suddenly broke into a rich trill of
+    song, as if to add his personal expression of surprise.</p>
+
+    <p>"Now there!" Mr. Punt exclaimed, shaking a podgy forefinger
+    at him. "There's the bird as give all the trouble and cause
+    words 'tween me and Maria, 'e did. 'Artz Mountain roller, that
+    bird is. Beeutiful 'is note, ain't it, Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>There really was a deep full tone, distantly suggestive of a
+    nightingale's, that favourably distinguished the bird's song
+    from the canary's usual acute treble.</p>
+
+    <p>"'I'm doubting, Maria,' I say to 'er," Mr. Punt resumed. "No
+    longer ago than this very morning I say it&mdash;'I'm doubting
+    whether I did ought to call that 'ere bird a 'Artz Mountain
+    roller,' I say to 'er&mdash;me meaning, o' course, as the 'Artz
+    Mountains being, as some thinks, in Germany, that pussons
+    wouldn't so much as go to look at a canary as called 'isself a
+    'Artz Mountain bird, as it might be a German bird, for all as
+    'e'd never a-bin no nearer Germany than the Royal Road,
+    Chelsea, not never since 'e chip 'is little shell, 'e
+    'aven't.</p>
+
+    <p>"So I ask 'er the question, doubting like, and she up and
+    say, all saucy as a jay-bird, 'Why, certainly you didn't ought
+    to call 'im so,' she say.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Question is, Maria,' I says, 'in that case what did I
+    ought to call 'im?'</p>
+
+    <p>"'And I can tell yer that too, Dad,' she say&mdash;Maria
+    did. 'You didn't ought to call 'im 'Artz Mountain roller, but
+    ha-Hartz Mountain roller. That's the way to call 'im,' she
+    says&mdash;impident little 'ussy! But there&mdash;what's in a
+    name, as the white blackbird said when 'e sat on a wooden
+    milestone eating a red blackberry? Still, 'e weren't running a
+    live-stock emporium, I expect, when 'e ask such a question as
+    that 'ere. There's a good deal in 'ow you call a bird, or a
+    dawg or a guinea-pig neither, if you want to pass 'im on to a
+    customer in a honest way o' trade."</p>
+
+    <p>I assured Mr. Punt I had not a doubt of it.</p>
+
+    <p>"But I shall be a-practisin' my haitches, Sir," he promised
+    me, as I went out with the canary seed which I had called to
+    purchase&mdash;"practise 'em 'ard, I shall. It's what I ain't
+    a-got at the present moment&mdash;'a fine ear for the
+    haspirate.' Beeutiful expression that, Sir, if you'll excuse me
+    sayin' so. But I don't see no reason as a man mightn't 'ope to
+    acquire it, 'im practising constant and careful&mdash;same as a
+    pusson can learn a bullfinch to pipe ''Ome, sweet 'Ome.' That
+    haitch is a funny letter, but it's a letter as I shall
+    practise. Still, haitches or no haitches," he concluded, with a
+    profound sigh, "I wish as I knowed 'ow I could set about coming
+    it over that 'ere one-legged widder lidy at Putney what 'ave
+    the two great hauk's eggs."</p>
+
+    <p>Out of the dusty twilight in the far end of the shop Mrs.
+    Punt's eye gleamed balefully.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>BLIGHTY IMPRESSIONS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>THE BARBER.</h3>
+
+    <p>I went into a tobacco-shop, tendered a pound note and asked
+    for a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches. With much
+    regret and a smiling face, she informed me she had the goods
+    but no change.</p>
+
+    <p>What a dilemma! A shop with cigarettes and matches, but I
+    couldn't spare a pound note for them.</p>
+
+    <p>An inspiration!&mdash;I would go into the hairdressing
+    establishment behind the shop, have a shave&mdash;which I
+    really didn't need&mdash;obtain change and make my purchase.
+    Besides, with so many barbers closed owing to the strike, it
+    was an opportunity.</p>
+
+    <p>This is what happened.</p>
+
+    <p>"Good morning, Sir. Your turn next but six."</p>
+
+    <p>A long, long interval.</p>
+
+    <p>"Shave, Sir? Lovely weather we're having. Razor all right,
+    Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>I said as little as possible; it is the only safe thing.</p>
+
+    <p>"Face massage, Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>"No, thanks," I mumbled.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wonderful thing for the face, Sir; make a new man of you.
+    Invigorates the circulation, improves the
+    complexion&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, all right," I gasped.</p>
+
+    <p>And then for about twenty minutes snatches of conversation
+    floated to me through bundles of wet towels. My head was having
+    a Turkish bath. My face was covered with ointments and creams.
+    Currents of electricity played about my brow.</p>
+
+    <p>"Just trim your hair, Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>I swear I said "No," but before I knew what was happening
+    the scissors were running merrily over my head.</p>
+
+    <p>"Singeing, Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Er&mdash;no. I&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Finest thing in the world, Sir. It's a treat to see hair
+    like this. Just a bit 'endy,' but singeing will soon put that
+    right."</p>
+
+    <p>Even had I been blind I should have discovered that I was
+    undergoing the process.</p>
+
+    <p>"What would you like for the shampoo, Sir? Eau de
+    Quinine&mdash;Violet&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"I don't think&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>My feeble protest was cut
+    short.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page81"
+       id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span>
+
+    <p>"I always recommend Violet," he said, sprinkling my head
+    profusely.</p>
+
+    <p>More rubbing, more towels, more electricity and finally a
+    brush and comb.</p>
+
+    <p>"I've a hair-lotion here, Sir&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"No, thank you."</p>
+
+    <p>I meant it.</p>
+
+    <p>He helped me on with my coat, brushed off a deal of
+    imaginary dust, said something about skin softeners and bath
+    requisites, but I'd had enough for one morning, and I was
+    yearning to get those cigarettes and have a smoke.</p>
+
+    <p>I tendered my pound note.</p>
+
+    <p>He took it, and with his best smile said&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Another sixpence, Sir, please."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/81.png"
+             alt="'MOTHER, I &lt;i&gt;HAVE&lt;/i&gt; BEEN GOOD TO-DAY&mdash;SO PATIENT WITH NURSE.'" />
+        </a>"MOTHER, I <i>HAVE</i> BEEN GOOD TO-DAY&mdash;SO
+        PATIENT WITH NURSE."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>BLIMP!</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There are many things Dora kept dark</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That she's now letting into the
+            light,</p>
+
+            <p>And to-day an astounding aerial barque</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Has suddenly sailed into sight;</p>
+
+            <p>But its past makes no sympathies burn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And its future leaves interest limp,</p>
+
+            <p>Compared with the rapture I feel when I learn</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">That its name is the Blimp.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Who gave it its title, and why?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was it old EDWARD LEAR from the
+            grave?</p>
+
+            <p>Since Jumblies in Blimps would be certain to fly</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When for air they abandon the wave.</p>
+
+            <p>Was it dear LEWIS CARROLL, perhaps</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sent his phantom to christen the
+            barque,</p>
+
+            <p>Since a Blimp is the obvious vessel for chaps</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When hunting a snark?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And to-day, in the first-fruits of joy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I scarcely believe it is true</p>
+
+            <p>That Blimp is a word we shall one day employ</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As lightly as now Bakerloo;</p>
+
+            <p>And my reason refuses to jump</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To the fact that a man, not an imp,</p>
+
+            <p>Can flash through the other and land with a bump</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">From a trip in a Blimp.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"It needs no very profound knowledge of the politics of
+        South-Western Europe to surmise that neither Rumania nor
+        Greece would lend military assistance of this kind without
+        being promised something in return.&mdash;<i>Manchester
+        Guardian</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But a rather more profound knowledge of the geography might
+    be useful.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE OLD INVINCIBLE.</h3>
+
+    <p>It is late in the day to draw attention to Mr. Punch as a
+    prophet. Everyone knows that his eyes have always discerned the
+    farthest horizon. None the less it is pleasant now and again to
+    succumb to the temptation of saying "I told you so," and
+    especially when it is the finger of a friendly reader that
+    points the way to the Sage's triumph. Were we in the habit of
+    quoting from past numbers, as many of our contemporaries do, we
+    should print the following paragraph from the issue of
+    September 2nd, 1871:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <h4>"A REAL DANGER.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"'According to <i>Le Havre</i>, about forty Prussian
+        officers in mufti leave Dieppe every morning for England,
+        their object being to visit the military establishments of
+        Great Britain.'</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"Here at last is an actual invasion! Prussian officers
+    landing on our defenceless shores, on the transparently flimsy
+    pretext of making themselves acquainted with our military
+    establishments, at the rate (excluding Sundays) of 240 a week,
+    or in this present September, of 1,080 a month, or, amazing and
+    terrifying total, of 12,520 a year! We commend this startling
+    announcement to the attention of the Cabinet (Parliament,
+    unfortunately, is not sitting), the Commander-in-Chief, the War
+    Office, the Commanders of all Volunteer Corps, the Author of
+    'The Battle of Dorking,' <i>Sergeant Blower</i>, and <i>Cheeks
+    the Marine</i>."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82"
+       id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/82.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/82.png"
+             alt="Tommy, homeward bound." /></a><i>Tommy</i>
+             (<i>homeward bound, and determined not to
+             disappoint</i>). "WHY, MISSY, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE
+             ARMISTICE THE AIR WAS THAT THICK WITH AEROPLANES THE
+             BIRDS HAD TO GET DOWN AND WALK."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE SAUSAGE ROLL.</h2>
+
+    <h3>THE VERY LATEST DANCE.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[To any English composer who has not yet contributed to
+        the wave of music and dance which is now sweeping the
+        country the writer offers the following as the basis of an
+        entirely new and original dance, strictly national in
+        character and full of that quaint old rustic, not to say
+        aboriginal, grace which distinguishes modern
+        dance-music.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh say, won't you stay down-away at the Sausage
+            Farm?</p>
+
+            <p>It's a scream, it wouldn't seem you could dream such
+            perfect ch-e-arm;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You can bet that Jazz'll be beat to a
+            frazzle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the old Fox Trot'll be a pale green
+            mottle,</p>
+
+            <p>When they gauge what's the rage of the age at the
+            Sausage Farm.</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(CRASH! BANG! TINKLE!)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Come along, you'll be wrong if you miss that
+            Sausage Roll.</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>Every pig does the jig, for he's in this heart
+            and so-ul:</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>See the old sow shout, "What about my
+            litter?"</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>But she dries those tears when she
+            hears, poor crittur,</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>That they're all at the Ball in the
+            Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll.</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(TZING! BOOM! The lights go out.)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, haste, life's a waste till you're based at the
+            Sausage Farm,</p>
+
+            <p>Where the dog and the hog and the frog go
+            arm-in-arm;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the farm-yard bosses can all do
+            Sosses;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The old man's crazy, and his poor Aunt
+            Maisie,</p>
+
+            <p>Over this hit of bliss (have a kiss) at Sausage
+            Farm.</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(CLATTER! BUMP! The walls begin to
+            crack.)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Come a-quick, you'll be sick if you miss that
+            Sausage Roll,</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>For the cow does it now and the cat we can't
+            contro-ol,</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>And I heard as she purred, "Oh, I've
+            found my kittens,</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>You could bet they'd get with the
+            best-born Britons,</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>For they're all at the Ball in the
+            Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll."</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(CRASH! BANG! The roof falls in.)</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">A.P.H.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A Tall Order.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"SHANGHAI MUNICIPAL COUNCIL POLICE FORCE.&mdash;Police
+        recruits are now required. Applicants must be unmarried, of
+        good physique, with sound teeth, about 20 to 25 years of
+        age, not less than 57 ft. 10 in. in
+        height."&mdash;<i>Weekly Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Lloyd's agent at Chriseiansund telegraphs that wreckage
+        marked 'Wilson Line' drifted ashore near
+        Switzerland."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Following the WILSON line the seas appear to be already
+    behaving with unusual freedom.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"'George Eliot' (Mary Ann Evans), the gifted
+        Warwickshire authoress, who wrote 'Adam Bede' and several
+        other popular works."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We have noticed the name from time to time, and we are glad
+    to know who "GEORGE ELIOT" was.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>From a "multiple shop" catalogue:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"SMOKING ROOM.&mdash;The decorations are well worth a
+        special note, and are quite unique of their kind, being
+        without a match anywhere."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Surely not "unique." We know a lot of smoking-rooms equally
+    matchless.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83"
+       id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/83.png"
+             alt="THE FIRST GERMAN VICTORY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE FIRST GERMAN VICTORY.</h3>[The German Elections
+        have resulted in a signal defeat for the Extremists.]
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page85"
+       id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/85.png"
+             alt="Hostess and small guest." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>to small guest, who is casting
+        lingering glances at the cakes</i>). "I DON'T THINK YOU CAN
+        EAT ANY MORE OF THOSE CAKES, CAN YOU, JOHN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>John</i>. "NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN. BUT MAY I STROKE
+        THEM?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A NEW SCHOOL.</h2>
+
+    <p>An evening newspaper informs its readers that arrangements
+    are being made for "a school for M.P.'s"&mdash;"a weekly
+    meeting of Unionist M.P.'s new to Parliamentary life, who will
+    receive instruction in the forms of the House. They will be
+    taught how to address the SPEAKER, how to frame a question,"
+    and so forth.</p>
+
+    <p>This intelligence is of particular interest in that it
+    conveys an admission that our new M.P.'s do not know
+    everything.</p>
+
+    <p>Interviewed by a correspondent, Mr. Raleigh Quawe, the able
+    young educationist, who, it is understood, is watching the
+    experiment with some concern, said, "While I do not wish to
+    seem to be giving away too much to the gloom of youth, I cannot
+    help feeling that the school may be run on wrong lines unless
+    the greatest care is exercised. Will the opportunity be taken
+    for testing methods which have been so disastrously absent
+    hitherto from our public school system? I would urge those in
+    authority to put away the old formulæ, and to ensure the
+    introduction of a right spirit in the school by the appointment
+    of young masters endowed with vision and enthusiasm.</p>
+
+    <p>"I hope that the worship of sport will not be encouraged. I
+    was never one who believed that our battles have been won on
+    the playing-fields of Westminster. I am confident that I am not
+    alone in the hope that the old games at Westminster will be
+    abandoned.</p>
+
+    <p>"It is most important that there should be no suppression of
+    the emotional nature. Rob politics of emotion and the
+    newspapers are not worth reading; and it must not be forgotten
+    that what Westminster does to-day is read of by the British
+    Empire to-morrow. No effort should be spared to awaken the
+    artistic sense of the pupils. If the pictures and sculptures in
+    and about the corridors of the Houses of Parliament are not
+    enough, let others be prepared. No expense should be spared.
+    For my part I see no reason why a little music should not be
+    introduced occasionally.</p>
+
+    <p>"Freedom of opinion should also be encouraged. One fault of
+    our educational system has been its tendency to produce
+    mass-thinking. This will never do among our Unionist Members of
+    Parliament. Yes, I would even advocate that some of the seniors
+    should be allowed to read <i>The Herald</i> if they wished to
+    do so, and I question whether <i>The Nation</i> would do any of
+    them any harm."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+    <p>Notice in a watchmaker's window:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"No repairs except to watches recently purchased."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Advertisement in Provincial Paper:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"WALK IN,</p>
+
+        <p>But you will be happier when you go out."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"An extraordinary plague of rats prevails on the
+        Sheffield Corporation rubbish tips at Killamarsh. The
+        rodents have constructed beaten tracks eight inches wide,
+        extending to corn stacks on a local farm, where they have
+        wrought munch havoc."&mdash;<i>Local Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Quite the right epithet, we feel sure.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"We make a speciality of gorillas and chimpanzees. They
+        are wonderfully intelligent and can be trained right up to
+        the human standard in all except speech. One of our
+        directors, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, and his wife are both able
+        to only be tamed to live in captivity."&mdash;<i>Irish
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>A perusal of the above paragraph is said to have stimulated
+    Mr. &mdash;&mdash;'s gift of speech in a startling degree.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page86"
+       id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/86.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/86.png"
+             alt="IF THE POETS STRUCK WOULD THE MILITARY BE CALLED IN TO DO THEIR WORK?" />
+        </a>IF THE POETS STRUCK WOULD THE MILITARY BE CALLED IN TO
+        DO THEIR WORK?
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>FATHER THAMES TALKS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>One day last week, it might be Wed-</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">nesday, or even Friday,</p>
+
+            <p>A day not yet entirely dead,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A shortly-doomed-to-die day,</p>
+
+            <p>The Naiad who lay stretched in dream</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Awoke and gave a shiver&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The Naiad who has charge of stream</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And rivulet and river.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I had intended to write the whole of this article in verse,
+    of which the above is a shocking sample, but, on the whole, I
+    think I will go on in prose. When you have committed yourself
+    to double rhymes, prose is the easier medium. In verse it is
+    more difficult to stick to your subject, and as the subject in
+    this case is a very important one and deserves to be stuck to,
+    I shall do the rest in prose.</p>
+
+    <p>Anyhow, the fact is that I have read a paragraph in one of
+    the papers about a proposed revival of rowing. Rowing, like
+    other sports, has, it seems, lain dormant for the past four
+    years and a half. From the moment in 1914 when war was declared
+    it suffered a land-change; shorts and zephyr and blazer and
+    sweater were abandoned at once, and, for the oarsman as for
+    everybody else, khaki became the only wear. Already trained by
+    long discipline to obey, our oarsmen trooped to the colours,
+    and wherever hard fighting was to be done their shining names
+    are to be found on the muster-roll of fame. Some will return to
+    us, but for others there waited the <i>eternum exitium
+    cymbæ</i>&mdash;a very different craft from those to which they
+    were accustomed, but they accepted it with pride and without a
+    murmur.</p>
+
+    <p>Bearing these things in mind, I went to Henley last week to
+    interview Father Thames. I found the veteran totally unchanged
+    in his quarters on the Temple Island, and immediately began the
+    interview.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dull?" he said. "I believe you, my boy. But they tell me
+    there's talk of reviving the regatta. You tell them with my
+    compliments not to be in too great a hurry about it. Think of
+    what Henley meant to the lads who rowed. They hadn't learnt
+    their skill in a day&mdash;no, nor in as many days as go to a
+    year."</p>
+
+    <p>"Do you then," I said, "consider the regatta only from the
+    oarsman's point of view?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Really," said the old gentleman, "there's no other. Not but
+    what," he added with a chuckle, "it gave them more pleasure to
+    row their races with lots of pretty faces to look on. Lor'
+    bless you, I don't object to 'em. It's the prettiest scene in
+    the world when the sun shines as it sometimes does. And that's
+    enough talking for one afternoon." With that he plunged, and
+    nothing I did could bring him to the surface again.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>EARLY ONE MORNING.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bound South from Japan to the port of Hong Kong</p>
+
+            <p>We fell in with a little junk blowing along;</p>
+
+            <p>We met her all bright at the breaking of day,</p>
+
+            <p>And we gave her good-morning and passed on our
+            way.</p>
+
+            <p>She had stretched her red sails like the wings of a
+            bat,</p>
+
+            <p>And light, like a gull, on the water she sat;</p>
+
+            <p>She had two big bright eyes for to keep a
+            look-out;</p>
+
+            <p>On her stern there were dragons cavorting about.</p>
+
+            <p>And Mrs. Ah Fit by the kitchen did sit</p>
+
+            <p>Preparing some breakfast for Mr. Ah Fit,</p>
+
+            <p>The gentleman who, as we saw when we neared her,</p>
+
+            <p>By waggling the tickle-stick skilfully, steered
+            her.</p>
+
+            <p>The little Fit men and the little Fit maids</p>
+
+            <p>Were playing at tig round the brass carronades,</p>
+
+            <p>And with all the delight of a juvenile Briton</p>
+
+            <p>The littlest Ah Fitlet was plucking the kitten.</p>
+
+            <p>With a "How do you do, Sir?" and "Hip, hip,
+            hooray!"</p>
+
+            <p>'Twas so they blew by at the breaking of day.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page87"
+       id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/87.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/87.png"
+             alt="Comedian." /></a><i>Comedian</i> (<i>who has been
+             instructed to modify his humour to suit the taste of a
+             select audience at a charity performance at the local
+             theatre</i>). "THERE YOU ARE! NOT A LAUGH! THIS IS WOT
+             COMES OF YOUR 'FUNNY WITHOUT BEIN' VULGAR'!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BIVVIE.</h2>
+
+    <p>"Not a bad possie," said George, looking round the village.
+    "Let's rustle a bivvie before the crowd comes along."</p>
+
+    <p>All George's performances in the art of rustling bivvies
+    rank as star. He permits no coarse and obvious gathering of an
+    expectant horde about the opening door; no slacking of straps
+    and bootlaces until the final "I will" is said on either side.
+    He debouches in extended order on the doomed house; gets his
+    range and has the barrage well in hand (the quantity and
+    quality of Madame's gesticulations furnish the key to this)
+    before Colin drifts off the horizon and shows a peaked face
+    with haunting eyes over George's shoulder. Colin does not
+    speak. That is not his <i>métier</i>. He is the star shell
+    illuminating the position; and usually in about six minutes'
+    time it is safe for John to put in an appearance with the
+    kit.</p>
+
+    <p>This is the recognised procedure, and it has served us
+    indifferently well up and down three years of war and a good
+    deal of France and Flanders. Therefore John was not to blame
+    when, after waiting the scheduled six minutes, he arrived to
+    find the other two still in the thick of it. Either Colin was
+    not haunting up to form (which was likely, as he had been
+    over-fed lately) or George's French (which was never made in
+    the place where they make marriages) had scandalised
+    Madame.</p>
+
+    <p>She stood in the door like some historical personage,
+    probably the Sphinx, and repeated a guttural kind of
+    incantation while George stretched his ears until they stood
+    out more than usual in a struggle to understand.</p>
+
+    <p>"Rotten patois some of these people speak," he said. "I
+    believe she has a room, though something's biting her. Likely
+    enough Fritz went off with all her furniture; but I've already
+    explained twenty times that that doesn't matter. <i>Écoutez,
+    Madame.</i> We only want a room. <i>Chambre-à-coucher.</i> We
+    can furnish it. We have three beds. <i>Trois lits.</i>
+    <i>Trois</i> stretcher-beds sent over from <i>Angleterre</i>.
+    <i>À la gare.</i> We've just seen them. <i>Trois lits nous
+    avons.</i> Three beds."</p>
+
+    <p>"Beds!" Madame pounced on the word. "<i>C'est cela!</i> No
+    beds, <i>Monsieur</i>. <i>Je n'en ai pas.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, now we know where we are." George looked round
+    triumphantly. "<i>Écoutez, Madame.</i> We don't want beds.
+    <i>Nous les desirons jamais.</i> We have them. <i>Trois
+    lits.</i> We don't want them. We have beds.
+    <i>Comprenez?</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>"No beds," explained Madame firmly.</p>
+
+    <p>"But I've just told you&mdash;" George plunged again into
+    the maelstrom, and a pretty girl appeared from the firelit room
+    behind to stir him to his highest flights of eloquence. A smell
+    of savoury cooking came also, and out in the street night shut
+    down dark and chill and sinister, as it does in all the best
+    novels. John let part of the kit down on the door-sill. It was
+    his way of explaining that at the present moment there was a
+    deeper, more intimate call than the Call of the Wild. Colin
+    moved up a step and turned the haunting-stop full on. George
+    redoubled his efforts, making them very clear indeed. We could
+    understand almost every word he said.</p>
+
+    <p>Then Madame answered, and we could understand that
+    too.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page88"
+       id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span>
+
+    <p>"No beds," she said.</p>
+
+    <p>The pretty girl smiled in a troubled way and murmured
+    something in a soft voice.</p>
+
+    <p>"She says they haven't got any beds in the rooms. Fritz took
+    them all," interpreted George. "<i>Écoutez, Mademoiselle</i>.
+    We have beds. <i>Trois lits. Nous les avons. Tous les trois.
+    Oui. À la gare. Absolument</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>Mademoiselle looked at Madame with a kink of her pretty
+    brows. Madame rose like a balloon to the need.</p>
+
+    <p>"No beds," she said very distinctly, with a rounding of eyes
+    and mouth. "No beds, Messieurs. No-o-o&mdash;<i>beds</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>Before George could recover John interfered. He makes a
+    hobby of cutting Gordian knots.</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, what's the earthly use of telling 'em we have beds when
+    they can see for themselves that we haven't? They just think we
+    can't understand. Let's go up and take the rooms if they're
+    decent. Then we'll get the stretchers and put 'em up. That's
+    the only sort of argument we can handle."</p>
+
+    <p>Manfully George went to work again. And reluctant, and yet
+    obviously fascinated by his French, like a bird by a snake,
+    Mademoiselle led up the narrow stairs and into a sizeable room,
+    clean as a pin and as naked. On the threshold Madame washed her
+    hands of hope.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Regardez!</i> No beds. <i>C'est affreux!</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>George began again. He had courage. Whatever else Nature and
+    luck denied him there was no question of that. For a little it
+    looked as though he were in sight of the goal. Then
+    Mademoiselle explained. They were <i>désolées</i>, but the
+    <i>sales Boches</i> had stolen all the beds, and Madame would
+    not let the bare rooms to <i>Messieurs les Anglais</i>. It
+    would not be <i>convenable</i> when they had no beds.</p>
+
+    <p>"No beds!" Madame appealed to the skylight as witness, and
+    we looked at each other. It was getting late and the others
+    would have rustled all the best bivvies by now. John had
+    another brain-wave.</p>
+
+    <p>"Let's pantomime it. They always understand pantomime.
+    There's no use <i>saying</i> we've got beds&mdash;not when
+    George has to say it. We'll show them."</p>
+
+    <p>Earnestly we pantomimed stretcher beds&mdash;our own
+    stretcher beds&mdash;and reposeful slumber thereon. "<i>Mon
+    Dieu!</i>" cried Mademoiselle, retreating in haste. "No beds,"
+    repeated Madame, unconvinced and unafraid.</p>
+
+    <p>"She means that she doesn't want to have us," said John in
+    cold despair.</p>
+
+    <p>"She'd be a fool if she did now," answered Colin grimly.
+    "Let's get out of this."</p>
+
+    <p>And then John had a third brain-wave. He ordered George on
+    guard, and descended with Colin in search of the concrete proof
+    of our sanity. And Madame's voice, faint yet pursuing, followed
+    us down.</p>
+
+    <p>"No beds," it said.</p>
+
+    <p>In ten minutes we were back triumphant with the three
+    stretchers. It was a full six months since we had written to
+    England for them, and they had come at last. Visions of rest
+    went upstairs with us, and under the big eyes of Madame and
+    Mademoiselle and several more Madames who had collected as
+    unobtrusively as a silk hat collects dust we slashed at the
+    coverings, ripped them off and disclosed&mdash;three
+    deck-chairs.</p>
+
+    <p>We did not attempt to meet the situation. We left it to the
+    devil&mdash;or Madame. And she, with the lofty serenity of one
+    who through long and grievous misunderstanding has won home at
+    last, was completely adequate.</p>
+
+    <p>"No beds," she said.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/88.png"
+             alt="Grieved Wife." /></a><i>Grieved Wife</i>. "OH,
+             SIMON, ALL OVER YOUR NOO CONTROLLED TROUSERS."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"ADOPTION.&mdash;Fine healthy boy, 3½ years; entire
+        surrender to good home. reception. 5 bedrooms;
+        £1,100."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>What an exacting young rascal!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Liebknecht was the son of a father who opposed tyranny
+        in earlier days, who sounded the toxin for
+        liberty."&mdash;<i>Express and Star</i>
+        (<i>Wolverhampton</i>).</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But, to do old LIEBKNECHT justice, it was the son, not the
+    father, who spelt it that way.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE WAR-DOG'S PARTY.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Continued.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>I expected, of course, when I declared the resolution, "Dogs
+    not Doormats," open for general discussion that there would be
+    some pretty plain barking, but nothing calling for the
+    intervention of the Chair. Britain's dogs are sound at heart,
+    even if they do talk a bit wildly about the Tyranny of Man and
+    Rabbitism and Abolishing the Biscuiteer. I don't agree with a
+    lot of it myself&mdash;we Airedales have always been
+    conservatively inclined; but I am bound to say that three years
+    in the Army open one's eyes to a lot of things.</p>
+
+    <p>Nothing of a really seditious character was said until the
+    Borzoi commenced to address the meeting. I had always disliked
+    the fellow and half suspected him of being an Anarchist or the
+    president of some brotherhood or other. (It's funny how these
+    rascals, whose one idea is to get something which belongs to
+    somebody else without working for it, always call themselves a
+    brotherhood.) But those Russian dogs have such a shifty
+    slinking way with them that you can't always tell what they are
+    driving at. This Borzoi chap had tried once or twice to
+    interest me in what he called the Community of Bones doctrine,
+    but I soon found out that his master was a conscientious
+    objector and a vegetarian and that the doctrine really meant
+    that he would do the communing and I would provide the
+    bones.</p>
+
+    <p>The rogue began with some fulsome ingratiating remarks about
+    how pleased he was to see so many fine representatives of the
+    canine race prepared to maintain intact their sovereign doghood
+    whatever the sacrifice might entail. This brought loud applause
+    from the young hotheads; but I noticed traces of disgust along
+    the backs of the older dogs. The time had passed, he continued,
+    for speeches and resolutions and votes of censure. Dogs must
+    act if Man, the enemy, was to be finally crushed. I intervened
+    at this point and told the Borzoi he must moderate his
+    language, upon which he began to bluster, shouting that he
+    would not be put down by an arrogant hireling of effete
+    Militarism. One learns to practise self-control in the
+    trenches, so I was able to repress an inclination to
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page89"
+       id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> assert my authority then and
+       there. It was no use striking at man himself, he went on,
+       for he had guns and whips and stones at his command. We must
+       strike at him through his children.</p>
+
+    <p>Cries of dissent greeted this statement, and I really think
+    the matter would have ended then and there only it so happened
+    that none of those present were personally interested in
+    children, except old Betty the bulldog, who belongs to four
+    little girls who treat her sovereign doghood in a most
+    disrespectful way. But old Betty had gone to sleep, and,
+    anyway, she is rather deaf and has no teeth, so it's likely she
+    would have confined herself to a formal snuffle of protest.
+    "Yes," shouted the Borzoi, now thoroughly worked up, "let every
+    dog take a solemn oath to bite every child on every possible
+    occasion&mdash;at least when no one is looking&mdash;and Man,
+    the oppressor, will soon come begging for mercy and make peace
+    with us on our own terms. No false loyalty or ridiculous sense
+    of chivalry must withhold us," he continued. "The baby in the
+    pram to-day is the man with the whip of to-morrow and must be
+    bitten with all the righteous fury of outraged doghood." Cries
+    of "Shame!" greeted this remark. I decided that it was time to
+    interpose. With all the severity at my command I bade the
+    wretch be silent.</p>
+
+    <p>"Fellow dogs," I said, "it is clear that we must choose here
+    and now, once and for all, between Britishism and Bolshevism.
+    Tails up those who wish to remain British!" And of course every
+    tail went up. "Tails up, the Bolshevists!" But the Borzoi's was
+    down beyond recall and shivering between his legs. "That being
+    your decision, ladies and gentlemen," I continued, "the meeting
+    will constitute itself a Committee of Safety. Remarks have been
+    passed about your Chairman and the canine forces of His Majesty
+    that cannot be allowed to go unchallenged. All I ask is plenty
+    of room and no favour."</p>
+
+    <p>All this time the Borzoi had been edging towards the door,
+    and I really think he would have tried to make a dash for it,
+    only at the last minute he caught the eye of the Irish
+    wolfhound. It's no good running away from a dog like that, so
+    Bolshy decided to stay and face the music. Well, as I said
+    before, we war dogs are supposed to be as modest as we are
+    brave, so I will confine myself to saying that down our way
+    Bolshevism hasn't a leg to stand on. Of course Master, when he
+    saw my ear, pretended to be angry, but he knows a war dog
+    doesn't fight except for his country, and when the Borzoi's
+    owner came round next day to complain Master told him he was a
+    miserable Pacifist and had no <i>locus standi</i>. I told
+    Master afterwards that the Borzoi had no <i>loci standi</i>
+    either, because I'd jolly well nearly chewed them off; and he
+    laughed and gave me a whole cutlet with a lot of delicious meat
+    on it, saying he wasn't hungry himself.</p>
+
+    <p>Of course we dogs met again and adopted the rest of our
+    platform; and I don't mind saying I kept a pretty tight grip on
+    the proceedings. In fact, several resolutions, such as those
+    dealing with "Municipal Dog's-meat," "Rabbits in Regent's
+    Park," "The Prosecution of Untruthful Parlourmaids," "Shorter
+    Fur and Longer Legs," were carried without discussion.
+    Naturally the meetings concluded with a vote of thanks to the
+    Chair, to which I replied (they tell me) felicitously.</p>
+
+    <p>That is how the War Dogs' Party came into being; and
+    to-morrow I shall tell that little terrier fellow from No. 10,
+    Downing Street, that as long as his master remains faithful to
+    the Dog-in-the-Street the War Dogs' Party will remain faithful
+    to him.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ALGOL.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/89.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/89.png"
+             alt="'OO LUMME! THAT MUST BE THE BLOKE WOT WON THE WAR!'" />
+        </a>"OO LUMME! THAT MUST BE THE BLOKE WOT WON THE WAR!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"'The little lass, and what worlds away,' one says to
+        oneself on coming out of Mr. Rosing's
+        recital."&mdash;<i>"Times'" Musical Critic</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It's the worst of music that it makes one so love-sick and
+    sentimental.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page90"
+       id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span>
+
+    <h2>AN EXPENSIVE AMUSEMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p>"As," says one of Mr. Punch's many and very welcome
+    correspondents, "you will probably be writing for the benefit
+    of your readers a short handbook on how to be demobilised, I
+    enclose for your guidance my solicitor's bill. He was engaged
+    from November 12th until I returned home on leave on December
+    30th and took a hand in the game myself. The chief work was
+    tracing the various Government Departments to their hidden
+    lairs in which they indulge in the pleasing habit of exchanging
+    minutes.</p>
+
+    <p>"Some day perhaps demobilisation will reach me. The sooner
+    the better, for I can never settle this account on my Army
+    pay."</p>
+
+    <p>So much for the preamble. Here, with the alteration only of
+    certain names, is the document itself. Mr. Jones, it should be
+    mentioned, is a member of the firm to which the Officer in
+    question (whom we will call Mr. Lute) wishes to
+    return:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <table summary="solicitor's bill"
+           align="center"
+           width="80%">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">1918.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right">£</td>
+
+            <td><i>s.</i></td>
+
+            <td><i>d.</i></td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">Nov.&nbsp;12.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on calling on the
+            telephone as to Mr. Lute and advising him to make an
+            application</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">6</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">8</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 27.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Demobilisation Office,
+            Whitehall Gardens, when the place was too crowded to be
+            seen to-day. Engaged nearly two hours.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Writing Mr. Lute I was putting through
+            application.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">6</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center" valign="top">" 28.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending New Bridge Street when I
+            interviewed Official and he handed me pivotal form
+            after explaining circumstances</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">18</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 29.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on calling when
+            Mrs. Lute was present, filling in form after discussing
+            same. Engaged 3 to 3.50.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">10</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">0</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Copy to keep</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">1</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">0</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 30.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending New Bridge Street,
+            interviewing Official, and he referred Mr. Lute's case
+            to Mr. Bedford Smith, 105a, Portman Square, Head Food
+            Department for your district</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">Dec. 2.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Portman Square, interviewing
+            Official, when he said I had got the wrong form and
+            requested me to go to Whitehall Gardens and ask them
+            about it.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td></td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Demobilisation Office at
+            Whitehall Gardens, interviewing Official when he wanted
+            to know how I had got the form as I had no business to
+            have it as the issue of them had been stopped, and I
+            said it had been given to me, and he was unable to say
+            what should be done with it, but in any event another
+            form ought to be filled up, R.C.V., and he handed me
+            such form. Engaged 10.30 to 1; 2 to 3.45</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">0</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">Dec. 3.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Portman Square office, when
+            I said that I had been to the office at Whitehall
+            Gardens and they wanted to know how I had got the
+            pivotal form, but he took it in and said he would refer
+            it to the local committee at once, and he gave me the
+            name of the head man there and suggested we might push
+            it if we went to him, and he had nothing to do with the
+            R.C.V. form.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Whitehall Gardens asking
+            what they wanted done with R.C.V. form and they said if
+            it was sent in there filled up it would receive
+            attention in its turn.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">10</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">0</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Writing Mr. Jones to get in touch with
+            Local Authority.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">6</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 5.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on telephone as to
+            getting into touch with local representative, which he
+            would do at once</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 6.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Filling up same and writing them
+            therewith</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">5</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">0</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 11.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on telephone when
+            he said Committee had recommended application last
+            Friday evening</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 12.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Portman Square, interviewing
+            Official and they had not received recommendation of
+            local committee</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 13.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones, informing him
+            thereof on telephone giving me reference No. and he
+            would send on copy letter to him by local committee
+            recommending application</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 16.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Portman Square when they had
+            not heard from local committee, handing them copy of
+            their letter and they would act on that</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 18.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Writing Mr. Jones as to further form,
+            sent in to him to sign</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">6</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 19.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Portman Square when
+            application had gone forward</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Telephoning to Mrs. Lute to that
+            effect. Like Mr. Jones.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 20.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Writing Mr. Lute as to the matter</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">6</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 23.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Portman Square Official when
+            application was on way to War Office and they said you
+            would be demobilised shortly</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 31.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Mr. Lute, showing me
+            correspondence and requesting me to see Demobilisation
+            Department, Broad Street.</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">1919</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">Jan. 2.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Broad Street when they had
+            removed to Hotel Windsor and obtaining two forms to
+            fill up to extend your leave while your case went
+            through if necessary and they knew nothing about your
+            case</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending at your office getting
+            Secretary to sign form.</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">10</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">0</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"
+                valign="top">" 4.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending Windsor Hotel when
+            department disbanded and had gone to Lancaster
+            Gate</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">13</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="left">Attending you reporting on
+            telephone</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">3</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">4</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center">" 6.</td>
+
+            <td align="left">Fare and expenses</td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">15</td>
+
+            <td align="right"
+                valign="bottom">0</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right">&mdash;&mdash;</td>
+
+            <td align="right">&mdash;</td>
+
+            <td align="right">&mdash;</td>
+        </tr>
+
+        <tr>
+            <td></td>
+
+            <td align="right">Total</td>
+
+            <td align="right">£14</td>
+
+            <td align="right">5</td>
+
+            <td align="right">0</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE DRINK OF THE GODS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>A PROHIBITIONIST'S CANTICLE.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Let meaner souls make merry</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">O'er cups of ruby wine,</p>
+
+            <p>With claret, port or sherry</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their tunes incarnadine;</p>
+
+            <p>Let little boys emphatic</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Become o'er ginger b.</p>
+
+            <p>Myself I grow ecstatic</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">About a drink called "Tea."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Tea elevates one's pecker,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Rejuvenates the mind,</p>
+
+            <p>Enriches the exchequer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yet never makes men "blind";</p>
+
+            <p>When footsore and effete I'm</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From every ache set free,</p>
+
+            <p>And not alone at tea-time</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I thank the Lord for "Tea."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It tells of balmy breezes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That blow "o'er Ceylon's isle"</p>
+
+            <p>(While HEBER mostly pleases</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His accent here is vile)&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Of some far-flung plantation</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where Hindus bend the knee;</p>
+
+            <p>And would my occupation</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Were prefixed (ah!) by "Tea"!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis told in classic fable</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The nectar served to Zeus</p>
+
+            <p>At his Olympic table</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was just a vinous juice;</p>
+
+            <p>That such is purely fiction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I heartily agree,</p>
+
+            <p>Having the sound conviction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Twas nothing less than "Tea."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"PARIS, Saturday.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>The Conference will be held in the imposing Salle de la
+        Grande Horloge. The 'hall of the great clock' is about
+        30in. long by 15in. wide."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"Imposing," indeed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Manchester's £6,000,000 scheme for obtaining water
+        supplies from Haweswater was approved last night at a
+        meeting of ratepayers in the Town Hall. The annual
+        increased consumption of water had been a little over a
+        million gallons per head per day."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        Dispatch</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The new slogan of the temperance enthusiasts&mdash;What
+    Manchester drinks to-day England will drink to-morrow.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page91"
+       id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/91.png"
+             alt="Visitor." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Visitor</i>. "BUT THOSE ATTACKS OF MALARIA DON'T LAST
+        LONG, DO THEY?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Tommy</i>. "MINE ISN'T ORDINARY MALARIA. THE DOCTOR
+        CALLS IT 'MALINGERING MALARIA.'"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>I own that to find the publishers, those sometimes too
+    generous critics, writing upon the wrapper of <i>An English
+    Family</i> (HUTCHINSON) an appreciation that bracketed it with
+    <i>The Newcomes</i>, did little to predispose me in its favour.
+    Later, however, when I had read the book with an increasing
+    pleasure, I was ready to admit that the comparison was by no
+    means wholly unjustified. Certainly Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE has
+    written a very charming story in this history of the
+    <i>Frothinghams</i> and the growth of their typically English
+    characters, maturing just in time for the ordeal that has
+    tested and (one is proud to think) triumphantly approved the
+    spirit of our country. In fact these memoirs of <i>Hugh
+    Frothingham</i> are something more than an idle romance; there
+    is an allegory in them, and some touch of propaganda, cunningly
+    introduced in the fine character of <i>Torrance</i>, the great
+    surgeon who married one of the <i>Frothingham</i> girls and was
+    bombed in the hospital raids. Through the varied activities of
+    the family, as they develop, passes the cleverly-shown figure
+    of <i>Hugh</i>, the narrator, who, starting with fairer
+    prospects than any of the others, is ruined by indolence and an
+    income, and hardly saved by the War from degenerating into the
+    torpid existence of a social pussy-cat. <i>Hugh</i> is an
+    admirable example of the difficult art of seemingly unconscious
+    self-revelation. Altogether I have found <i>An English
+    Family</i> greatly to my taste, displaying as it does a dignity
+    and breadth that recall not unworthily the best traditions of
+    the English novel. But did we speak of <i>Serbia</i> in 1914? I
+    only ask.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>High Adventure</i> (CONSTABLE) is in certain ways the
+    most fascinating account of flying and of fliers which has come
+    my way. Captain NORMAN HALL, already well known to readers of
+    <i>Kitchener's Mob</i>, tells us in this later book how he
+    became a member of the Escadrille Américaine and how he learned
+    to fly. And, as his modesty is beyond all praise, I feel sure
+    that he will forgive me for saying that it is not the personal
+    note which is here so specially attractive. What makes his book
+    so different from other books on flying is that in it we have a
+    novice suffering from all sorts of mishaps and mistakes before
+    he has mastered the difficulties of his art. Whether
+    consciously or not Captain HALL performs a very great service
+    in describing the life of a flier while his wings are&mdash;so
+    to speak&mdash;only in the sprouting stage. In an introduction
+    Major GROS tells us of the work done by American pilots before
+    America entered the War, a delightful preface to a book which
+    both for its matter and style is good to read.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I confess at once that <i>The Uprooters</i> (STANLEY PAUL)
+    is a story that I have found hard to understand. There seems an
+    idea somewhere, but it constantly eluded me. To begin with,
+    exactly who or what were the Uprooters, and what did they
+    uproot? At first I thought the answer was going to name
+    <i>Major</i> and <i>Mrs. Elton</i>, who for no very sufficient
+    reason would go meddling off to Paris, and transporting thence
+    the brother and sister <i>Ormsby</i> to Ireland. The
+    <i>Ormsbys</i> had been happy and (apparently) harmless enough
+    hitherto, but once uprooted they promptly developed the most
+    unfortunate passions&mdash;reciprocated, moreover&mdash;for
+    their well-wishers. The obvious and laudable moral of
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page92"
+       id="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span> which is, never remove your
+       neighbour from his chosen landmarks. Later, however, it
+       became apparent that Mr. J.A.T. LLOYD had a more subtle
+       interpretation for his title in the activities of a band of
+       pacifists, headed by a multi-millionaire, who called himself
+       an American, though somehow his name, <i>Schwartz</i>,
+       hardly inspired me with any feelings of real confidence. On
+       his death-bed, however, this gentleman reveals blood of the
+       most Prussian blue, confessing that his wealth has actually
+       been derived from the dividends of Frau BERTHA; and as the
+       War has by this time resolved the emotional difficulties of
+       the other characters the story comes to its somewhat
+       procrastinated finish. My own belief in it had to endure two
+       tests, of which the less was inflicted by a scene
+       specifically placed in a "dim <i>second class</i> carriage"
+       on the L.&amp;N.W.R. in 1916; and the greater by the <i>cri
+       de coeur</i> of the lady, whose husband surprised her with
+       her lover: "Edmund, get that murderous look out of your
+       eyes, the look of that dreadful ancestor in the portrait
+       gallery!" I ask you, does that carry conviction under the
+       circumstances?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Really, the delight of the publishers over <i>Cecily and the
+    Wide World</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) is almost touching. On the
+    outside of the wrapper they call it "charming," and are at the
+    further pains to advise me to "read first the turnover of
+    cover," where I find them letting themselves go in such terms
+    as "true life," "sincerity," "charm" (again), "courage," and
+    the like. The natural result of all which was that I approached
+    the story prepared for the stickiest of American cloy-fiction.
+    I was most pleasantly disappointed. Miss ELIZABETH F. CORBETT
+    has chosen a theme inevitably a little sentimental, but her
+    treatment of it is throughout of a brisk and tonic sanity,
+    altogether different from&mdash;well, you know the sort of
+    stuff I have in mind. <i>Cecily</i> was the discontented wife
+    of <i>Avery Fairchild</i>, a young doctor with three children
+    and a fair practice. After a while her discontent so increased
+    that she betook herself to the wide, wide world, to live her
+    own life. And as both she and <i>Avery</i> before long fell
+    cheerfully in love with other persons I suppose the move could
+    so far be counted a success. Before, however, the divorce
+    facilities of the land of freedom could bring the tale to one
+    happy ending an accident to <i>Cecily's</i> motor and the long
+    arm that delivered her to her husband's professional care
+    brought it to another. I am left wondering how this dénouement
+    would have been affected if <i>Avery</i> had been, say, a
+    dentist, or of any other calling than the one that so obviously
+    loaded the dice in his favour. I repeat, however, a distinctly
+    well-written and human story, almost startlingly topical too in
+    one place, where <i>Dr. Avery</i> observes, "There's a lot of
+    grippe in town, and it's a thing that isn't reported to the
+    Health Department." The obvious inference being that it ought
+    to be. <i>Avery</i>, you observe, had more practical sense than
+    the majority of heroes, few of whom would ever have thought of
+    this, or, at any rate, mentioned it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Baroness ORCZY's romance of old Cambrai, <i>Flower o' the
+    Lily</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), should not be regarded as in
+    any way bearing upon the more modern history of that remarkable
+    city. It has nothing to do with our war; it has a war of its
+    own, a rapid affair of bows and arrows, scaling ladders and
+    such desperate situations as can be, and were, saved by the
+    arrival of the right man, single-handed, in the right place at
+    the right moment. Familiar as is his type in novels of this
+    adventurous kind, I think I shall never tire of the consummate
+    swordsman hero who impersonates, for political and matrimonial
+    ends, a man of infinitely higher degree but far less real worth
+    than himself, handling the vicarious business with an
+    incredible adroitness, but mistakenly carrying by storm the
+    love of the lady for himself. The lady is so confoundedly
+    attractive in these circumstances, possibly because there is
+    about them a tonic which lends additional colour to the
+    feminine cheek and a new brilliance to the eye. And, however
+    bitter may be the first moment when the true personalities are
+    divulged, it all comes right in the end. Here is a story of
+    intrigue and battle and love, written in the necessary
+    phraseology of the time and woven round (and, I trust,
+    consistent with) the historical contest between the Spanish and
+    French Powers, disputing the terrain of Flanders; in every way
+    a worthy successor of <i>The Scarlet Pimpernel</i>. It is
+    inevitable to suggest that this story should also be dramatised
+    in due course; it would make as a play an instant and
+    irresistible appeal to that great public which loves the
+    theatre most when it is most theatrical. And it is doubtless
+    destined also for the Movies.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/92.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/92.png"
+             alt="SCENE.&mdash;&lt;i&gt;Cologne&lt;/i&gt;&mdash;&lt;i&gt;Present Day&lt;/i&gt;." />
+        </a>SCENE.&mdash;<i>Cologne</i>&mdash;<i>Present
+        Day</i>.<br />
+         "GIE YE CHOCOLATE! <i>GIE YE CHOCOLATE!!</i> D'YE THINK
+        I'VE BEEN BOBBIN' UP AN' DOON IN FRONT O' YOUR AULD MON FOR
+        FOUR YEARS JUST TAE COME HERE AN' GIE YE CHOCOLATE?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>More Secrets of the Fleet.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Few people realise the difficulty senior officers in
+        the Navy who are married and have children have in making
+        both ends meet. Naval officers who entered over fifteen
+        years ago did not, as a rule, come from the married
+        classes."&mdash;<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Whilst waiting to be bathed, an old blind female inmate
+        of the &mdash;&mdash; Institution fell to the floor,
+        breaking her thigh. Her injury has accentuated her death
+        from bronchitis."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Post</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>With a grave accent, we fear.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The war broke Germany's hold on world's wild animal
+        trade, the New York Zoological Society chairman states.
+        Zoos and circuses are now turning to British dealers to
+        fill their cages."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Provided that the above paragraph has made the British
+    dealers sufficiently wild.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, Jan. 29, 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2430 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+Jan. 29, 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Jan. 29, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 2, 2004 [EBook #13927]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+January 29, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Peace is only a matter of time, says Mr. HUGHES. The ex-Kaiser is said
+to be of the opinion that Mr. HUGHES might have been more explicit as
+to who is going to get that "time."
+
+       ***
+
+Meanwhile the ex-Kaiser is growing a beard. He evidently has no desire
+to share the fate of "Wilhelmshaven."
+
+       ***
+
+After reading the numerous articles on whether he should be charged
+with murder or not, we have come to the conclusion that the answer now
+rests solely between "Yes" or "No."
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. DE VALERA has been appointed a delegate of the Irish Republic
+to the Peace Conference. The fact that he has not ordered the Peace
+Conference to come to Brixton prison should satisfy doubters like _The
+Daily News_ that Sinn Fein can be moderate when it wants to.
+
+       ***
+
+People in search of quiet amusement will be glad to know that there
+will be an eclipse of the sun on May 29th.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the overcrowding of Tube trains we understand there is
+some talk of men with beards being asked to leave them in the ticket
+offices.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that an All-Tube team has applied for admission to the
+Rugby Union.
+
+       ***
+
+A large number of forged five-pound notes are stated to be in
+circulation in London. The proper way to dispose of one is to slip it
+between a couple of genuine fivers when paying your taxi fare.
+
+       ***
+
+The ancient office of Town Crier of Driffield, which carries with it a
+retaining fee of one pound per annum, is vacant. Several Army officers
+anxious to better themselves have applied for the job.
+
+       ***
+
+A large number of "sloping desks," made specially for Government
+Departments, are offered for sale by the Board of Works. The bulk of
+them, it is understood, slope at 3.30 P.M.
+
+       ***
+
+The mysterious disappearance of sheep from Barnstaple has led to the
+report that some Government Department has fixed a price for sheep.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is not practicable," says the London Electric Railway Company,
+"for passengers to enter Tube cars at one door and leave by the other,
+because the end cars have only one door." The idea of reserving these
+cars for persons getting in or out, but not both, appears to have been
+overlooked.
+
+       ***
+
+There is no truth in the report that the lodging, fuel and light
+allowance of Officers is to be raised from two shillings and
+sevenpence to two shillings and sevenpence halfpenny per day, the
+cost of living having increased since the Peninsular War.
+
+       ***
+
+"What is reported to be the largest sapphira in the world," says
+a contemporary, "disappeared when the Bolshevists took Kieff." We
+suspect that the largest living Ananias had a hand in the affair.
+
+       ***
+
+It is not surprising to learn, following the Police Union meeting,
+that the burglars have decided to "down jemmies" unless the eight-hour
+night is conceded.
+
+       ***
+
+The rumour that there was a vacant house in the Midlands last week has
+now been officially denied.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the Market Bosworth woman who, though perfectly
+healthy, has remained in bed for three years, until removed last week
+by the police, it now appears that she told the officers that she had
+no idea it was so late.
+
+       ***
+
+"What can be done to make village life more amusing?" asks _The Daily
+Mirror_. We are sorry to find our contemporary so ignorant of country
+life. Have they not yet heard of Rural District Councils?
+
+       ***
+
+An Oxted butcher having found a wedding ring in one of the internal
+organs of a cow, it is supposed that the animal must have been leading
+a double life.
+
+       ***
+
+"In order to live long," says Dr. EARLE, "live simply." Another good
+piece of advice would be: "Simply live."
+
+       ***
+
+A Streatham man who has been missing from his home since November,
+1913, has just written from Kentucky. This disposes of the theory that
+he might have been mislaid in a Tube rush.
+
+       ***
+
+"Distrust of lawyers," Mr. Justice ATKIN told the boys of Friars
+School recently, "is largely caused by ignorance of the law." Trust in
+them, on the other hand, is entirely due to ignorance of the cost.
+
+       ***
+
+Giving evidence at Marylebone against a mysterious foreigner charged
+with using a forged identity book, the police said they did not know
+the real name and address of the man. The Bench decided to obviate the
+difficulty in the matter of the address.
+
+       ***
+
+In a Liverpool bankruptcy case last week the debtor stated that he
+had lost six hundred pounds in one day rabbit-coursing. The Receiver
+pointed out that he could have almost bought a new set of rabbits for
+that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PICTURE OF THE YEAR.
+
+PROBABLE EFFECT AT THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY EXHIBITION OF THE ELECTION OF
+SIR ASTON WEBB, THE FAMOUS ARCHITECT, TO THE PRESIDENCY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of wedding presents:--
+
+    "Case of sauce ladies from Mr. W. ----."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+No doubt he was glad to be rid of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The ---- National Kitchen has had to close down.... The great
+    majority of the patrons were Army Pap Corps."
+
+Who presumably required only liquid refreshment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The German Government has protested to Russia against the
+    'criminal interference' of olsheviks in the internal affairs
+    of Germany."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Much correspondence will now doubtless take place, as it seems evident
+that the Bolsheviks have sent their initial letter in reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GETTING OUT.
+
+"If you belong to any of the following classes," said the
+Demobilisation advertisement, "do nothing." So Lieut. William Smith
+did nothing.
+
+After doing nothing for some weeks he met a friend who said, "Hallo,
+aren't you out yet?"
+
+"Not yet," said William, looking at his spurs.
+
+"Well, you ought to _do_ something."
+
+So Lieut. William Smith decided to do something. He was a
+pivotal-man and a slip-man and a one-man-business and a
+twenty-eight-days-in-hospital man and a W.O. letter ZXY/999 man.
+Accordingly he wrote to the War Office and told them so.
+
+It was, of course, a little confusing for the authorities. Just as
+they began to see their way to getting him out as a pivotal man,
+somebody would decide that it was quicker to demobilise him as a
+one-man-business; and when this was nearly done, then somebody else
+would point out that it was really much neater to reinstate him as a
+slip-man. Whereupon a sub-section, just getting to work at W.O. letter
+ZXY/999, would beg to be allowed a little practice on William while he
+was still available, to the great disgust of the medical authorities,
+who had been hoping to study the symptoms of self-demobilisation in
+Lieut. Smith as evidenced after twenty-eight days' in hospital.
+
+Naturally, then, when another friend met William a month later and
+said, "Hallo, aren't you out yet?" William could only look at his
+spurs again and say, "Not yet."
+
+"Better go to the War Office and have a talk with somebody," said his
+friend. "Much the quickest."
+
+So William went to the War Office. First he had a talk with a
+policeman, and then he had a talk with a porter, and then he had a
+talk with an attendant, and then he had a talk with a messenger girl,
+and so finally he came to the end of a long queue of officers who were
+waiting to have a talk with _somebody_.
+
+"Not so many here to-day as yesterday," said a friendly Captain in the
+Suffolks who was next to him.
+
+"Oh!" said William. "And we've got an army on the Rhine too," he
+murmured to himself, realising for the first time the extent of
+England's effort.
+
+At the end of an hour he calculated that he was within two or three
+hundred of the door. He had only lately come out of hospital and was
+beginning to feel rather weak.
+
+"I shall have to give it up," he said.
+
+The Captain tried to encourage him with tales of gallantry. There was
+a Lieutenant in the Manchesters who had worked his way up on three
+occasions to within fifty of the door, at which point he had collapsed
+each time from exhaustion; whereupon two kindly policemen had carried
+him to the end of the queue again for air.... He was still sticking to
+it.
+
+"I suppose there's no chance of being carried to the _front_ of the
+queue?" said William hopefully.
+
+"No," said the Captain firmly; "we should see to that."
+
+"Then I shall have to go," said William. "See you to-morrow." And as
+he left his place the queue behind him surged forward an inch and took
+new courage.
+
+A week later William suddenly remembered Jones. Jones had been in the
+War Office a long time. It was said of him that you could take him to
+any room in the building and he could find his way out into Whitehall
+in less than twenty minutes. But then he was no mere "temporary
+civil-servant." He had been the author of that famous W.O. letter
+referring to Chevrons for Cold Shoers which was responsible for
+the capture of Badajoz; he had issued the celebrated Army Council
+Instruction, "Commanding Officers are requested to replace the
+pivots," which had demobilised MARLBOROUGH's army so speedily; and,
+as is well known, HENRY V. had often said that without Jones--well,
+anyhow, he had been in the War Office a long time. And William knew
+him slightly.
+
+So William sent up his card.
+
+"I want to talk to somebody," he explained to Jones. "I can't manage
+more than of couple of hours a day in the queue just now, because
+I'm not very fit. If I could sit down somewhere and tell somebody all
+about myself, that's what I want. Any room in the building where there
+are no queues outside and two chairs inside. I'd be very much obliged
+to you."
+
+"I'll give you a note to Briggs," said Jones promptly. "He's the
+fellow to get you out."
+
+"Thanks _awfully_," said the overjoyed William.
+
+A messenger girl took him and the note to Captain Briggs. Briggs
+listened to the story of William's qualifications--or rather
+disqualifications--and considered for a moment.
+
+"Yes, we ought to get you out very quickly," he said.
+
+"Good," said William. "Thanks _awfully_."
+
+"Walters will tell you just what to do. He's a pal of mine. I'll give
+you a note to him."
+
+So in another minute the overjoyed William was following a messenger
+girl to the room of Lieutenant Walters.
+
+Walters was very cheerful. The thing to do, he said, was to go to
+Sanders. Sanders would get him out in half-an-hour. He'd give William
+a note, and then Sanders would do his best. The overjoyed William
+followed the messenger girl to Sanders.
+
+"That's all right," said Sanders a few minutes later. "We can get you
+out at once on this. Do you know Briggs?"
+
+"Briggs," said William, with a sudden sinking feeling.
+
+"I'll give you a note to him. He knows all about it. He'll get you out
+at once."
+
+"Thank you," said William faintly.
+
+He put the note in his pocket and strode briskly out in search of the
+dear old queue.
+
+"It will be quicker after all," he told himself, as he took his place
+at the end of the queue next to a Lieutenant in the Manchesters.
+("Don't crowd him," said a policeman to William; "he wants air.")
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And you think perhaps that the story ends here, with William in the
+queue again? Oh, no. William is a man of resource. The very next day
+he met another friend, who said, "Hallo, aren't you out yet?"
+
+"Not yet," said William.
+
+"My boy got out a month ago."
+
+"H-h-h-how?" said William.
+
+"Ah well, you see, he's going up to Cambridge. Complete his education
+and all the rest of it. They let 'em out at once on that."
+
+"Ah!" said William thoughtfully.
+
+William is thirty-eight, but he has taken the great decision. He is
+going up to Cambridge next term. He thinks it will be quicker. He no
+longer stands in the queue for two hours every day; he spends the time
+instead studying for his Little Go.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TREES AND FAIRIES.
+
+  The larch-tree gives them needles
+    To stitch their gossamer things;
+  Carefully, cunningly toils the oak
+  To shape the cups of the fairy folk;
+    The sycamore gives them wings.
+
+  The lordly fir-tree rocks them
+    High on his swinging sails;
+  The hawthorn fashions their tiny spears,
+  The whispering alder charms their ears
+    With soft mysterious tales.
+
+  The chestnut decks their ball-room
+    With candles red and white,
+  While all the trees stand round about
+  With kind protecting arms held out
+    To guard them through the night.
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LOST ALLY.
+
+PEACE. "I HOPED HE WOULD MAKE MY PATH EASIER FOR ME--NOT MORE
+DIFFICULT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINISTERIAL TREADMILL.
+
+(_BEING A FREE RESUME OF LORD CURZON'S SPEECH AT THE ECCENTRIC CLUB ON
+WEDNESDAY THE 22ND._)
+
+  Lord CURZON rises with the lark--
+  That is (at present) when it's dark--
+  Breakfasts in haste on tea and toast,
+  Then grapples with the early post,
+  And reads the newspapers, which shed
+  Denunciation on his head.
+  Having digested their vagaries
+  He calls his faithful secretaries
+  And keeps them writing, sheet on sheet,
+  Until he's due in Downing Street.
+  The Cabinet is seldom through
+  Until the clock is striking two,
+  When Ministers, dispersing, munch
+  Their frugal sandwiches for lunch.
+  Then back into affairs of State
+  Again they plunge from three till eight,
+  Presiding, guiding, interviewing,
+  Tea conscientiously eschewing,
+  Until exhausted nature cries
+  At half-past eight for more supplies.
+  Another hasty meal is snatched
+  And, when the viands are despatched,
+  Once more our admirable Crichton,
+  Though feeling like a weary Titan,
+  Resumes the toil of brain and pen
+  Till two is sounded by Big Ben.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The life of those whom duty spurs on
+  To lead laborious days, like CURZON,
+  Is not the life of BILLY MERSON
+  Or any gay inferior person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_RUS IN URBE._
+
+The Selborne Society, which used to be a purely rural expeditionary
+force, has lately taken to exploring London, and personally-conducted
+tours have been arranged to University College in darkest Gower
+Street, where Sir PHILIP MAGNUS and Sir GREGORY FOSTER will act
+as guides, and to the Royal Courts of Justice, where Sir EDWARD
+MARSHALL HALL, K.C., "will describe the methods of conducting civil
+actions." What GILBERT WHITE would say to all this brick-and-mortar
+sophistication we do not dare to guess. All that we venture to do is
+to suggest one or two more urbane adventures.
+
+Why, for example, should not a visit be paid to the House of Lords,
+under the direction of the new LORD CHANCELLOR? Five minutes spent on
+the Woolsack in such company not only would be a treasured memory,
+but a liberal (or, at any rate, a coalition) education. After such an
+experience all the Selbornians should come away better fitted to climb
+the ascents which life offers.
+
+Again, if Sir HORACE MARSHALL, the Lord Mayor, invited the Society to
+the Mansion House they might be enormously benefited. Of turtle doves
+they naturally know all; GILBERT WHITE would have seen to that; but
+what do they know of turtle soup? Well, the LORD MAYOR would instruct
+them. He would show them the pools under the Mansion House where these
+creatures luxuriate while awaiting their doom; he would indicate the
+areas beneath the shell from some of which is extracted the calipash
+and from some the calipee; he might even induce the Most Worshipful
+Keeper of the Turtles, O.B.E., to discourse on the subject.
+
+Then there is New Scotland Yard. It would be a scandal for the
+members of the Selborne Society not to visit that home of amity
+and see all the New Scots at work in tracking down the breakers of
+the laws that are made in the picturesque building with the clock
+tower so close by. And not very distant is the War Office, where
+mobilisation-while-you-wait may be studied at first hand, we don't
+think. Indeed, London offers such opportunities that we shall be
+surprised if the Selborne Society ever looks at a mole or a starling
+again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO THE RHINE.
+
+BUSINESS LEAVE.
+
+Of course we _know_ demobilisation is proceeding apace. We _know_ that
+pivotal men are simply pirouetting to England in countless droves. We
+know it because we see it in the papers (when they come), and it is a
+great source of comfort to us. But since it is six days' train journey
+and four days' lorry-hopping from where we sit guarding the wrong side
+of the river to the necessary seaport, perhaps they have forgotten us,
+or they are keeping all the pivots in this area for one final orgy of
+demobilisation at some future date, which for the moment I am not at
+liberty to disclose.
+
+At present my poor friend Cook is sitting in the Company Mess with
+his thoughts all of the inside of Army prisons, instead of the glowing
+pictures he used to have of himself exchanging his battle-bowler for
+the headgear of civilisation. He says I'm responsible for his state of
+mind, because I first put the idea into his head. Well, I did; but I
+don't see how you can blame the fellow who filled the shell if some
+silly ass hits it on the nose-cap with a hammer.
+
+It started like this. After the Demobilisation General Post had
+sounded Cook spent his time writing to everybody who did not know him
+well enough to down his chances, filled up all the forms in triplicate
+and packed his valise ready to start off any time of the day or night
+for England, home and wholesale hardware, which is his particular
+pivot. I may say here that nominally this business is run by him
+and his brother, and the fact that they are now both in the Army is
+probably the chief reason why the manager in charge is able to make
+the business pay. However, you know what people are; if they draw
+receipts from a business nothing will persuade them but that they
+must be there, "on the spot you know," to "look after it." So, seeing
+his face grow longer and longer as the days went by without the
+Quarter-Master coming round and handing him his ration trilby hat,
+civvy suit and the swagger cane he hopes for, I said, "Why don't you
+put in for two months' business leave?"
+
+The air was at once rent with a fearful rush of leaves of his A.B.
+153, and he ceased to take any interest in his platoon from that
+moment. In vain I urged upon him the consummate folly of neglecting
+to inquire more closely into the case of a reprobate in No. 11 Platoon
+who had so far forgotten all sense of discipline as to set out his
+kit with haversack on the left instead of the right (or _vice-versa_,
+I forget which, but the Sergeant-Major spotted it.). He even went
+the length of saying he didn't care a cuss; and when I asked
+him sarcastically if he had forgotten the Platoon Commander's
+pamphlet-bible, "Am I offensive enough?" he said he thought he was,
+and I agreed with him.
+
+When the whole mess-room was simply a-flutter with torn-out leaves
+from his A.B. 153, representing his abortive attempts to put down his
+application succinctly and plausibly, we all began to take an interest
+in his case. We crowded round and offered him most valuable hints.
+Together we got through two very pleasant evenings and three or four
+A.B.'s 153, and still the application remained in a tentative state.
+We got on all right to start with, but it was after the "I have the
+honour to submit for the approval and recommendation of the Commanding
+Officer this my application for two months' business leave" that we
+got stuck.
+
+Of course _I_ know it was no use, anyway. I have seen these things go
+forward before. They have no chance.
+
+It was then that a stroke of genius (unfortunate, as it turned out,
+but a stroke of genius nevertheless) occurred to me. "Why not say that
+your manager is a complete fool and in his hands the business is going
+to rack and ruin?" I said. He bit at it like a tiger, and only the law
+of libel prevented him putting it into execution there and then; but
+all the same we had a jolly fine argument (six of us) about it for
+some three hours, and nobody got put out of the room for introducing
+acrimony into the discussion.
+
+Finally, he said that he was sure his brother wouldn't mind his saying
+it about _him_, and the application went in as follows:--
+
+_To Adjutant, First Crackshire Regt._
+
+Sir,--I have the honour to submit for the approval and recommendation
+of the Commanding Officer this my application for two months' business
+leave in the following special circumstances:--
+
+The necessity of my presence in the business (wholesale hardware) has
+become more and more urgent of late. It is imperative that I should
+get home at once owing to the total incapability of my partner to
+carry out simple directions which are dictated by letters, and it
+is no exaggeration to say that the business, which has been built
+up almost entirely by my efforts, must inevitably collapse unless it
+receives my personal attention at once.
+
+My address would be, etc., etc., London.
+
+  I am, Sir,
+  Your obedient Servant, etc., etc.
+
+The Adjutant looked serious when he read it. So did Cook, for he
+thought the Adjutant had noted the London address and had remembered
+the business was in Bristol. But it was all right. It wasn't that
+at all really. Pencil and squared paper are poor means of conveying
+information at any time, and when the Adjutant had been assured that
+the business was really "wholesale hardware," and not "wholesale
+hardbake," as he had first read it, everything went swimmingly. The
+C.O. signed it and off it went on its momentous journey. Cook began
+to take a renewed interest in his platoon, and, having discovered the
+recalcitrant one of No. 11 actually coming on parade with only the
+front of the tip of his bayonet-scabbard polished, he took a fiendish
+delight in seeing the criminal writhing under the brutal and savage
+sentence of three days' C.B.
+
+A week later he got a great surprise. His brother-partner turned
+up with a draft of men and found himself posted to the battalion.
+The brothers met, as only brothers can, with the words, "What the
+deuce are you doing here?" Highly elated, Cook told him about the
+application for business leave and gloated over his chances of being
+home first, and on full pay too. His brother was intensely amused,
+and they both laughed heartily, when he told us that he himself, while
+waiting at the reception-camp with the draft, had put in much the same
+kind of application, saying the same kind of things about Cook.
+
+But when they realised that both applications would be forwarded to
+the same Divisional Headquarters for consideration the joke lost some
+of its savour. And when the Adjutant called them up and handed the
+two returned applications _pinned together_ both brothers needed all
+their qualities of toughness and rigidity which, as I understand, are
+acquired in the wholesale hardware business.
+
+L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shortsighted Traveller_. "IS THERE SOME DELAY ON THE
+LINE, MY GOOD MAN?"
+
+_Naval Officer_. "WHO THE ---- DO YOU THINK I AM, SIR?"
+
+_Traveller_. "ER--N-NOT THE VICAR, ANYWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOMES FURNISHED COMPLETE."
+
+    "Oak bedstead, 3 ft. 6 in., with wife and Wool Mattress, new
+    condition, L5 10s. 0d. lot."--_Provincial Paper_,
+
+    "One Parsel Furnishing goods curtains, cushion covers, etc.,
+    Rs. 26; one bundle babies, Rs. 5.--Apply Mrs. ----."--_Ceylon
+    Independent_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Temporary Cook wants Hampshire."--_Morning Post_.
+
+Really quite moderate. Some cooks nowadays seem to want the whole
+earth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POST-WAR PROBLEMS.
+
+_Adjutant_ (_who has been interrupted in his real work by a summons
+from Colonel_). "YES, SIR?"
+
+_Temporary Colonel_. "I SAY--ER--SMITH--IT'S SO UNCERTAIN HOW LONG
+WE SHALL BE OUT HERE--DEMOBILISATION, YOU KNOW. ER--FACT IS--_DO_ YOU
+THINK IT WORTH MY WHILE GETTING ANOTHER PAIR OF BREECHES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VISITOR.
+
+  When yesterday I went to see my friends--
+    (Watching their patient faces in a row,
+    I want to give each boy a D.S.O.)--
+  When yesterday I went to see my friends,
+  With cigarettes and foolish odds and ends
+    (Knowing they understand how well I know
+  That nothing I may do can make amends,
+    But that I must not grieve or tell them so),
+  A pale-faced Inniskilling, tall and slim,
+    Who'd fought two years and now was just eighteen,
+  Smiled up and showed, with eyes a little dim,
+    How someone left him, where his leg had been,
+  On the humped bandage that replaced the limb,
+    A tiny green glass pig to comfort him.
+
+  These are the men who've learned to laugh at pain,
+    And if their lips have quivered when they spoke
+    They've said brave things or tried to make a joke;
+  Said it's not worse than trenches in the rain,
+  Or pools of water on a chalky plain,
+    Or bitter cold from which you stiffly woke,
+  Or deep wet mud that left you hardly sane,
+    Or the tense wait for "Fritz's master stroke."
+  You seldom hear them talk of their "bad luck,"
+    And suffering has not spoiled their ready wit,
+  And oh! you'd hardly doubt their fighting pluck,
+    When each new operation shows their grit;
+  Who never brag of blows for England struck,
+    But only yearn to "get about a bit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Allies had threatened to destroy the Dardanelles if the
+    Medina garrison did not surrender."--_Birmingham Mail_.
+
+So, being reduced to its last Straits, the garrison surrendered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MATRIMONY--Young Lady (21), good prospects, wishes to
+    correspond with young man, similar age, with a view to above;
+    no rebels need apply."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+But we guess there will be one Home Ruler in the family.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Replying to a query concerning the rumour that Messrs.
+    Guinness were in treaty for the purchase of the National hell
+    Factory, Parkgate Street, a representative of that firm
+    said this afternoon: 'We have no statement to make at
+    all.'"--_Irish Paper_.
+
+We gather that the printer is a Prohibitionist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Doncaster on Saturday, Messrs. ---- sold for L7,100 the
+    fully licensed house at Armthorpe known as the Plough Inn
+    to the Markham Main Colliery Company, the proprietors of the
+    colliery being sunk in the parish."--_Yorkshire Post_.
+
+Not _spurlos versenkt_, we trust. Perhaps it is hoped that the Plough
+will unearth them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEACHING TOMMY.
+
+Here is a simple method of aiding the admirable efforts of educational
+Staff-Officers in the army.
+
+Let all Regimental Orders be interspersed with items of information
+likely to be of use in civilian life. Thus:--
+
+53. ... will be rendered to this office, in triplicate, by noon
+to-morrow.
+
+53A. _Etiquette, Points of_. It is not considered correct to address
+an Archbishop as "Archie" unless one is on terms of considerable
+intimacy with him. In writing to a Duchess never commit the vulgar
+error of putting a stamp on the envelope; the sixth footman in a ducal
+household is always provided with a fund in respect of unpaid postage
+on incoming correspondence.
+
+54. ... is placed out of bounds to all troops on account of an
+outbreak of mumps.
+
+54A. _Data, Geographical_.--Of all fish those of the Bay of Biscay are
+perhaps the best nourished. An isthmus is a piece of land which saves
+another piece of land from being an island. The principal exports of
+Germany are prisoners of war.
+
+55. ... to be read on three consecutive parades.
+
+55A. _Theory_, _Untenable_, _Literary_.--The The theory that BACON was
+a pork-butcher and derived inspiration for _Hamlet_ by gazing at the
+viands in his shop has now been disproved.
+
+56. ... and a sum of twopence per haircut will be chargeable against
+public funds.
+
+56A. _Courts, Foreign_.--The Sultan of Socotra is entitled to a salute
+of fourteen popguns and one catapult. Before approaching the throne
+of the Duke of the Djibouti one is required to take lessons from the
+Court Contortionist.
+
+57. ... and Company Commanders are reminded of their responsibility in
+this matter.
+
+57A. _World, the Animal_.--It is interesting to know that the inventor
+of the Tank first planned that engine of warfare while watching
+the peregrinations of the armadillo at a travelling menagerie.
+The efficacy of our blockade was such that large consignments of
+armadillo-fodder were prevented from reaching Germany, the consequent
+demise of all German-kept armadilloes thus robbing our enemy of the
+opportunity of devising a similar instrument.
+
+58. ... will parade in full marching order at Reveille.
+
+58A. _Facts, Historical_.--There once was a king who never smiled
+again, but history might have recorded a different verdict had His
+Majesty witnessed the spectacle of the Second-in-Command, on a frisky
+horse, trying to drill the Battalion.
+
+59. ... will therefore immediately submit rolls of all skilled
+organ-blowers of Category B ii.
+
+59A. _Information, General_.--If all the Treasury Notes circulated in
+the United Kingdom since 1914 were placed end to end they might reach
+from Bristol to Yokohama and back, but they would not constitute a
+sufficient inducement to a London taxi-driver.
+
+60. ... and this practice must cease forthwith.
+
+60A. _Query, Our Daily_.--What is Popocatapetl? Is it an indoor game,
+a cannibal tribe, a curative herb, or neither? Solutions are invited.
+
+There are two very advantageous points about this scheme: (1) The
+ingenious system of numbering would avoid interference with army
+routine, which must go on: and (2) men might be encouraged to read
+Regimental Orders.
+
+This suggestion is made without hope of fee or reward. Its author does
+not even ask for extra duty pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE.
+
+_Tramp_. "CAN YOU SPARE A PORE OLD GENTLEMAN THE PRICE OF A CUP OF
+KORFEE. SIR?"
+
+_Sub._ (_in high spirits_). "RIGHT-O. ALL THE COFFEE YOU WANT AND THE
+PRICE OF A SHAVE AND A HAIR-CUT AS WELL."
+
+_Tramp_. "WILL YER? THEN WHO'S A-GOIN' TO KEEP ME WHILE MY 'AIR AN'
+BEARD GROWS AGAIN?".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FINE EAR FOR THE HASPIRATE.
+
+"I wish 'as 'ow I warn't married."
+
+Mr. Punt crooned out the impious aspiration as he sorted a judicious
+modicum of hemp into the canary seed. He spoke in semi-soliloquy,
+yet quite loud enough to reach the vigilant ear of Mrs. Punt, who was
+dusting the cages at the other end of the live-stock store. She said
+nothing in reply, but her eye fixed itself upon him with a glint
+eloquent of what she might say later.
+
+"Why is that, Mr. Punt?" I asked encouragingly.
+
+"Why, it's on'y to-day, Sir, as I met a lidy, a widder lidy, friend o'
+Uncle George's down Putney way, as 'as one leg, a nice little bit o'
+'ouse property and two great hauk's eggs."
+
+It did seem a rare combination of marriageable qualities. I asked the
+value of a great auk's egg, and was surprised to learn that a specimen
+had recently been sold at auction for something like three hundred
+pounds. I inquired whether all the great auks' eggs that came on the
+market were genuine, or whether "faked" specimens were to be met with.
+I had heard, I thought, of "faked" eagles' eggs.
+
+"Different kind o' bird altogether, Sir, and different kind o' egg.
+Can't very well be imitated. You didn't think as I said great 'awk,
+Sir?" he asked very anxiously.
+
+"No, no; I understand," I hastened to assure him.
+
+"The 'awk, Sir, is a bird o' the heagle kind; the hauk's a different
+kind altogether--web-footed, aquatic--was, I should rather say,
+seeing as 'ow 'e's un appily extinct. Hauk and 'awk, Sir--you take the
+difference?"
+
+I said that I thought the distinction was perceptible to a fine ear
+for the aspirate.
+
+The phrase took the little man's fancy wonderfully. "That's it, Sir,"
+he exclaimed, beaming up delightedly at me. "You've 'it it! Done it
+in one, you 'ave. 'Fine ear for the haspirate'--that's what my darter
+Maria 'ave and what I, for one, 'ave not. I'm not above confessing of
+it; 'tain't given to all of us to 'ave everything, as the ant said to
+the helephant when 'e was boasting about 'is trunk. Some there is as
+ain't got no ear for music--same as Joe Mangles, the grocer down the
+street, as 'as caught a heavy cold in 'is 'ead with taking 'is 'at off
+every time as 'e 'ears 'It's a long long way to Tipperary.' Why, I've
+knowed men," said Mr. Punt, in the manner of one who works himself up
+to an almost incredible climax--"I've knowed men as couldn't tell the
+difference between a linnet's note and a goldfinch."
+
+"Astonishing," I said.
+
+One of the canaries suddenly broke into a rich trill of song, as if to
+add his personal expression of surprise.
+
+"Now there!" Mr. Punt exclaimed, shaking a podgy forefinger at him.
+"There's the bird as give all the trouble and cause words 'tween me
+and Maria, 'e did. 'Artz Mountain roller, that bird is. Beeutiful 'is
+note, ain't it, Sir?"
+
+There really was a deep full tone, distantly suggestive of a
+nightingale's, that favourably distinguished the bird's song from the
+canary's usual acute treble.
+
+"'I'm doubting, Maria,' I say to 'er," Mr. Punt resumed. "No longer
+ago than this very morning I say it--'I'm doubting whether I did ought
+to call that 'ere bird a 'Artz Mountain roller,' I say to 'er--me
+meaning, o' course, as the 'Artz Mountains being, as some thinks, in
+Germany, that pussons wouldn't so much as go to look at a canary as
+called 'isself a 'Artz Mountain bird, as it might be a German bird,
+for all as 'e'd never a-bin no nearer Germany than the Royal Road,
+Chelsea, not never since 'e chip 'is little shell, 'e 'aven't.
+
+"So I ask 'er the question, doubting like, and she up and say, all
+saucy as a jay-bird, 'Why, certainly you didn't ought to call 'im so,'
+she say.
+
+"'Question is, Maria,' I says, 'in that case what did I ought to call
+'im?'
+
+"'And I can tell yer that too, Dad,' she say--Maria did. 'You didn't
+ought to call 'im 'Artz Mountain roller, but ha-Hartz Mountain roller.
+That's the way to call 'im,' she says--impident little 'ussy! But
+there--what's in a name, as the white blackbird said when 'e sat on a
+wooden milestone eating a red blackberry? Still, 'e weren't running
+a live-stock emporium, I expect, when 'e ask such a question as that
+'ere. There's a good deal in 'ow you call a bird, or a dawg or a
+guinea-pig neither, if you want to pass 'im on to a customer in a
+honest way o' trade."
+
+I assured Mr. Punt I had not a doubt of it.
+
+"But I shall be a-practisin' my haitches, Sir," he promised
+me, as I went out with the canary seed which I had called to
+purchase--"practise 'em 'ard, I shall. It's what I ain't a-got at the
+present moment--'a fine ear for the haspirate.' Beeutiful expression
+that, Sir, if you'll excuse me sayin' so. But I don't see no reason
+as a man mightn't 'ope to acquire it, 'im practising constant and
+careful--same as a pusson can learn a bullfinch to pipe ''Ome, sweet
+'Ome.' That haitch is a funny letter, but it's a letter as I shall
+practise. Still, haitches or no haitches," he concluded, with a
+profound sigh, "I wish as I knowed 'ow I could set about coming it
+over that 'ere one-legged widder lidy at Putney what 'ave the two
+great hauk's eggs."
+
+Out of the dusty twilight in the far end of the shop Mrs. Punt's eye
+gleamed balefully.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIGHTY IMPRESSIONS.
+
+THE BARBER.
+
+I went into a tobacco-shop, tendered a pound note and asked for a
+packet of cigarettes and a box of matches. With much regret and a
+smiling face, she informed me she had the goods but no change.
+
+What a dilemma! A shop with cigarettes and matches, but I couldn't
+spare a pound note for them.
+
+An inspiration!--I would go into the hairdressing establishment behind
+the shop, have a shave--which I really didn't need--obtain change and
+make my purchase. Besides, with so many barbers closed owing to the
+strike, it was an opportunity.
+
+This is what happened.
+
+"Good morning, Sir. Your turn next but six."
+
+A long, long interval.
+
+"Shave, Sir? Lovely weather we're having. Razor all right, Sir?"
+
+I said as little as possible; it is the only safe thing.
+
+"Face massage, Sir?"
+
+"No, thanks," I mumbled.
+
+"Wonderful thing for the face, Sir; make a new man of you. Invigorates
+the circulation, improves the complexion--"
+
+"Oh, all right," I gasped.
+
+And then for about twenty minutes snatches of conversation floated to
+me through bundles of wet towels. My head was having a Turkish bath.
+My face was covered with ointments and creams. Currents of electricity
+played about my brow.
+
+"Just trim your hair, Sir?"
+
+I swear I said "No," but before I knew what was happening the scissors
+were running merrily over my head.
+
+"Singeing, Sir?"
+
+"Er--no. I--"
+
+"Finest thing in the world, Sir. It's a treat to see hair like this.
+Just a bit 'endy,' but singeing will soon put that right."
+
+Even had I been blind I should have discovered that I was undergoing
+the process.
+
+"What would you like for the shampoo, Sir? Eau de Quinine--Violet--"
+
+"I don't think--"
+
+My feeble protest was cut short.
+
+"I always recommend Violet," he said, sprinkling my head profusely.
+
+More rubbing, more towels, more electricity and finally a brush and
+comb.
+
+"I've a hair-lotion here, Sir--"
+
+"No, thank you."
+
+I meant it.
+
+He helped me on with my coat, brushed off a deal of imaginary dust,
+said something about skin softeners and bath requisites, but I'd had
+enough for one morning, and I was yearning to get those cigarettes and
+have a smoke.
+
+I tendered my pound note.
+
+He took it, and with his best smile said--
+
+"Another sixpence, Sir, please."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MOTHER, I _HAVE_ BEEN GOOD TO-DAY--SO PATIENT WITH
+NURSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIMP!
+
+  There are many things Dora kept dark
+    That she's now letting into the light,
+  And to-day an astounding aerial barque
+    Has suddenly sailed into sight;
+  But its past makes no sympathies burn,
+    And its future leaves interest limp,
+  Compared with the rapture I feel when I learn
+      That its name is the Blimp.
+
+  Who gave it its title, and why?
+    Was it old EDWARD LEAR from the grave?
+  Since Jumblies in Blimps would be certain to fly
+    When for air they abandon the wave.
+  Was it dear LEWIS CARROLL, perhaps
+    Sent his phantom to christen the barque,
+  Since a Blimp is the obvious vessel for chaps
+      When hunting a snark?
+
+  And to-day, in the first-fruits of joy,
+    I scarcely believe it is true
+  That Blimp is a word we shall one day employ
+    As lightly as now Bakerloo;
+  And my reason refuses to jump
+    To the fact that a man, not an imp,
+  Can flash through the other and land with a bump
+      From a trip in a Blimp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It needs no very profound knowledge of the politics of
+    South-Western Europe to surmise that neither Rumania nor
+    Greece would lend military assistance of this kind without
+    being promised something in return.--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+But a rather more profound knowledge of the geography might be useful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD INVINCIBLE.
+
+It is late in the day to draw attention to Mr. Punch as a prophet.
+Everyone knows that his eyes have always discerned the farthest
+horizon. None the less it is pleasant now and again to succumb to the
+temptation of saying "I told you so," and especially when it is the
+finger of a friendly reader that points the way to the Sage's triumph.
+Were we in the habit of quoting from past numbers, as many of our
+contemporaries do, we should print the following paragraph from the
+issue of September 2nd, 1871:--
+
+"A REAL DANGER.
+
+    "'According to _Le Havre_, about forty Prussian officers in
+    mufti leave Dieppe every morning for England, their object
+    being to visit the military establishments of Great Britain.'
+
+"Here at last is an actual invasion! Prussian officers landing on
+our defenceless shores, on the transparently flimsy pretext of making
+themselves acquainted with our military establishments, at the rate
+(excluding Sundays) of 240 a week, or in this present September, of
+1,080 a month, or, amazing and terrifying total, of 12,520 a year! We
+commend this startling announcement to the attention of the Cabinet
+(Parliament, unfortunately, is not sitting), the Commander-in-Chief,
+the War Office, the Commanders of all Volunteer Corps, the Author of
+'The Battle of Dorking,' _Sergeant Blower_, and _Cheeks the Marine_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_homeward bound, and determined not to
+disappoint_). "WHY, MISSY, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE ARMISTICE THE AIR WAS
+THAT THICK WITH AEROPLANES THE BIRDS HAD TO GET DOWN AND WALK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAUSAGE ROLL.
+
+THE VERY LATEST DANCE.
+
+    [To any English composer who has not yet contributed to the
+    wave of music and dance which is now sweeping the country the
+    writer offers the following as the basis of an entirely new
+    and original dance, strictly national in character and full
+    of that quaint old rustic, not to say aboriginal, grace which
+    distinguishes modern dance-music.]
+
+  Oh say, won't you stay down-away at the Sausage Farm?
+  It's a scream, it wouldn't seem you could dream such perfect ch-e-arm;
+    You can bet that Jazz'll be beat to a frazzle,
+    And the old Fox Trot'll be a pale green mottle,
+  When they gauge what's the rage of the age at the Sausage Farm.
+          (CRASH! BANG! TINKLE!)
+
+  _Come along, you'll be wrong if you miss that Sausage Roll._
+  _Every pig does the jig, for he's in this heart and so-ul:_
+    _See the old sow shout, "What about my litter?"_
+    _But she dries those tears when she hears, poor crittur,_
+  _That they're all at the Ball in the Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll._
+          (TZING! BOOM! The lights go out.)
+
+  Oh, haste, life's a waste till you're based at the Sausage Farm,
+  Where the dog and the hog and the frog go arm-in-arm;
+    And the farm-yard bosses can all do Sosses;
+    The old man's crazy, and his poor Aunt Maisie,
+  Over this hit of bliss (have a kiss) at Sausage Farm.
+          (CLATTER! BUMP! The walls begin to crack.)
+
+  _Come a-quick, you'll be sick if you miss that Sausage Roll,_
+  _For the cow does it now and the cat we can't contro-ol,_
+    _And I heard as she purred, "Oh, I've found my kittens,_
+    _You could bet they'd get with the best-born Britons,_
+  _For they're all at the Ball in the Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll."_
+          (CRASH! BANG! The roof falls in.)
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALL ORDER.
+
+    "SHANGHAI MUNICIPAL COUNCIL POLICE FORCE.--Police recruits are
+    now required. Applicants must be unmarried, of good physique,
+    with sound teeth, about 20 to 25 years of age, not less than
+    57 ft. 10 in. in height."--_Weekly Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lloyd's agent at Chriseiansund telegraphs that
+    wreckage marked 'Wilson Line' drifted ashore near
+    Switzerland."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Following the WILSON line the seas appear to be already behaving with
+unusual freedom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'George Eliot' (Mary Ann Evans), the gifted Warwickshire
+    authoress, who wrote 'Adam Bede' and several other popular
+    works."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+We have noticed the name from time to time, and we are glad to know
+who "GEORGE ELIOT" was.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a "multiple shop" catalogue:--
+
+    "SMOKING ROOM.--The decorations are well worth a special note,
+    and are quite unique of their kind, being without a match
+    anywhere."
+
+Surely not "unique." We know a lot of smoking-rooms equally matchless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST GERMAN VICTORY.
+
+[The German Elections have resulted in a signal defeat for the
+Extremists.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering
+glances at the cakes_). "I DON'T THINK YOU CAN EAT ANY MORE OF THOSE
+CAKES, CAN YOU, JOHN?"
+
+_John_. "NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN. BUT MAY I STROKE THEM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW SCHOOL.
+
+An evening newspaper informs its readers that arrangements are being
+made for "a school for M.P.'s"--"a weekly meeting of Unionist M.P.'s
+new to Parliamentary life, who will receive instruction in the forms
+of the House. They will be taught how to address the SPEAKER, how to
+frame a question," and so forth.
+
+This intelligence is of particular interest in that it conveys an
+admission that our new M.P.'s do not know everything.
+
+Interviewed by a correspondent, Mr. Raleigh Quawe, the able young
+educationist, who, it is understood, is watching the experiment with
+some concern, said, "While I do not wish to seem to be giving away
+too much to the gloom of youth, I cannot help feeling that the school
+may be run on wrong lines unless the greatest care is exercised.
+Will the opportunity be taken for testing methods which have been so
+disastrously absent hitherto from our public school system? I would
+urge those in authority to put away the old formulae, and to ensure
+the introduction of a right spirit in the school by the appointment of
+young masters endowed with vision and enthusiasm.
+
+"I hope that the worship of sport will not be encouraged. I was never
+one who believed that our battles have been won on the playing-fields
+of Westminster. I am confident that I am not alone in the hope that
+the old games at Westminster will be abandoned.
+
+"It is most important that there should be no suppression of the
+emotional nature. Rob politics of emotion and the newspapers are not
+worth reading; and it must not be forgotten that what Westminster does
+to-day is read of by the British Empire to-morrow. No effort should be
+spared to awaken the artistic sense of the pupils. If the pictures and
+sculptures in and about the corridors of the Houses of Parliament are
+not enough, let others be prepared. No expense should be spared. For
+my part I see no reason why a little music should not be introduced
+occasionally.
+
+"Freedom of opinion should also be encouraged. One fault of our
+educational system has been its tendency to produce mass-thinking.
+This will never do among our Unionist Members of Parliament. Yes, I
+would even advocate that some of the seniors should be allowed to
+read _The Herald_ if they wished to do so, and I question whether _The
+Nation_ would do any of them any harm."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+Notice in a watchmaker's window:--
+
+    "No repairs except to watches recently purchased."
+
+Advertisement in Provincial Paper:--
+
+    "WALK IN,
+
+    But you will be happier when you go out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An extraordinary plague of rats prevails on the Sheffield
+    Corporation rubbish tips at Killamarsh. The rodents have
+    constructed beaten tracks eight inches wide, extending to
+    corn stacks on a local farm, where they have wrought munch
+    havoc."--_Local Paper_.
+
+Quite the right epithet, we feel sure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We make a speciality of gorillas and chimpanzees. They are
+    wonderfully intelligent and can be trained right up to the
+    human standard in all except speech. One of our directors, Mr.
+    ----, and his wife are both able to only be tamed to live in
+    captivity."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+A perusal of the above paragraph is said to have stimulated Mr. ----'s
+gift of speech in a startling degree.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IF THE POETS STRUCK WOULD THE MILITARY BE CALLED IN TO
+DO THEIR WORK?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FATHER THAMES TALKS.
+
+  One day last week, it might be Wed-
+    nesday, or even Friday,
+  A day not yet entirely dead,
+    A shortly-doomed-to-die day,
+  The Naiad who lay stretched in dream
+    Awoke and gave a shiver--
+  The Naiad who has charge of stream
+    And rivulet and river.
+
+I had intended to write the whole of this article in verse, of which
+the above is a shocking sample, but, on the whole, I think I will go
+on in prose. When you have committed yourself to double rhymes, prose
+is the easier medium. In verse it is more difficult to stick to your
+subject, and as the subject in this case is a very important one and
+deserves to be stuck to, I shall do the rest in prose.
+
+Anyhow, the fact is that I have read a paragraph in one of the papers
+about a proposed revival of rowing. Rowing, like other sports, has,
+it seems, lain dormant for the past four years and a half. From the
+moment in 1914 when war was declared it suffered a land-change;
+shorts and zephyr and blazer and sweater were abandoned at once, and,
+for the oarsman as for everybody else, khaki became the only wear.
+Already trained by long discipline to obey, our oarsmen trooped to
+the colours, and wherever hard fighting was to be done their shining
+names are to be found on the muster-roll of fame. Some will return to
+us, but for others there waited the _eternum exitium cymbae_--a very
+different craft from those to which they were accustomed, but they
+accepted it with pride and without a murmur.
+
+Bearing these things in mind, I went to Henley last week to interview
+Father Thames. I found the veteran totally unchanged in his quarters
+on the Temple Island, and immediately began the interview.
+
+"Dull?" he said. "I believe you, my boy. But they tell me there's talk
+of reviving the regatta. You tell them with my compliments not to be
+in too great a hurry about it. Think of what Henley meant to the lads
+who rowed. They hadn't learnt their skill in a day--no, nor in as many
+days as go to a year."
+
+"Do you then," I said, "consider the regatta only from the oarsman's
+point of view?"
+
+"Really," said the old gentleman, "there's no other. Not but what," he
+added with a chuckle, "it gave them more pleasure to row their races
+with lots of pretty faces to look on. Lor' bless you, I don't object
+to 'em. It's the prettiest scene in the world when the sun shines as
+it sometimes does. And that's enough talking for one afternoon." With
+that he plunged, and nothing I did could bring him to the surface
+again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EARLY ONE MORNING.
+
+  Bound South from Japan to the port of Hong Kong
+  We fell in with a little junk blowing along;
+  We met her all bright at the breaking of day,
+  And we gave her good-morning and passed on our way.
+  She had stretched her red sails like the wings of a bat,
+  And light, like a gull, on the water she sat;
+  She had two big bright eyes for to keep a look-out;
+  On her stern there were dragons cavorting about.
+  And Mrs. Ah Fit by the kitchen did sit
+  Preparing some breakfast for Mr. Ah Fit,
+  The gentleman who, as we saw when we neared her,
+  By waggling the tickle-stick skilfully, steered her.
+  The little Fit men and the little Fit maids
+  Were playing at tig round the brass carronades,
+  And with all the delight of a juvenile Briton
+  The littlest Ah Fitlet was plucking the kitten.
+  With a "How do you do, Sir?" and "Hip, hip, hooray!"
+  'Twas so they blew by at the breaking of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Comedian_ (_who has been instructed to modify his
+humour to suit the taste of a select audience at a charity performance
+at the local theatre_). "THERE YOU ARE! NOT A LAUGH! THIS IS WOT COMES
+OF YOUR 'FUNNY WITHOUT BEIN' VULGAR'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BIVVIE.
+
+"Not a bad possie," said George, looking round the village. "Let's
+rustle a bivvie before the crowd comes along."
+
+All George's performances in the art of rustling bivvies rank as star.
+He permits no coarse and obvious gathering of an expectant horde about
+the opening door; no slacking of straps and bootlaces until the final
+"I will" is said on either side. He debouches in extended order on
+the doomed house; gets his range and has the barrage well in hand (the
+quantity and quality of Madame's gesticulations furnish the key to
+this) before Colin drifts off the horizon and shows a peaked face with
+haunting eyes over George's shoulder. Colin does not speak. That is
+not his _metier_. He is the star shell illuminating the position; and
+usually in about six minutes' time it is safe for John to put in an
+appearance with the kit.
+
+This is the recognised procedure, and it has served us indifferently
+well up and down three years of war and a good deal of France and
+Flanders. Therefore John was not to blame when, after waiting the
+scheduled six minutes, he arrived to find the other two still in
+the thick of it. Either Colin was not haunting up to form (which was
+likely, as he had been over-fed lately) or George's French (which was
+never made in the place where they make marriages) had scandalised
+Madame.
+
+She stood in the door like some historical personage, probably the
+Sphinx, and repeated a guttural kind of incantation while George
+stretched his ears until they stood out more than usual in a struggle
+to understand.
+
+"Rotten patois some of these people speak," he said. "I believe she
+has a room, though something's biting her. Likely enough Fritz went
+off with all her furniture; but I've already explained twenty times
+that that doesn't matter. _Ecoutez, Madame._ We only want a room.
+_Chambre-a-coucher._ We can furnish it. We have three beds. _Trois
+lits._ _Trois_ stretcher-beds sent over from _Angleterre_. _A la
+gare._ We've just seen them. _Trois lits nous avons._ Three beds."
+
+"Beds!" Madame pounced on the word. "_C'est cela!_ No beds,
+_Monsieur_. _Je n'en ai pas._"
+
+"Ah, now we know where we are." George looked round triumphantly.
+"_Ecoutez, Madame._ We don't want beds. _Nous les desirons jamais._
+We have them. _Trois lits._ We don't want them. We have beds.
+_Comprenez?_"
+
+"No beds," explained Madame firmly.
+
+"But I've just told you--" George plunged again into the maelstrom,
+and a pretty girl appeared from the firelit room behind to stir him
+to his highest flights of eloquence. A smell of savoury cooking
+came also, and out in the street night shut down dark and chill and
+sinister, as it does in all the best novels. John let part of the
+kit down on the door-sill. It was his way of explaining that at the
+present moment there was a deeper, more intimate call than the Call of
+the Wild. Colin moved up a step and turned the haunting-stop full on.
+George redoubled his efforts, making them very clear indeed. We could
+understand almost every word he said.
+
+Then Madame answered, and we could understand that too.
+
+"No beds," she said.
+
+The pretty girl smiled in a troubled way and murmured something in a
+soft voice.
+
+"She says they haven't got any beds in the rooms. Fritz took them
+all," interpreted George. "_Ecoutez, Mademoiselle_. We have beds.
+_Trois lits. Nous les avons. Tous les trois. Oui. A la gare.
+Absolument_."
+
+Mademoiselle looked at Madame with a kink of her pretty brows. Madame
+rose like a balloon to the need.
+
+"No beds," she said very distinctly, with a rounding of eyes and
+mouth. "No beds, Messieurs. No-o-o--_beds_."
+
+Before George could recover John interfered. He makes a hobby of
+cutting Gordian knots.
+
+"Oh, what's the earthly use of telling 'em we have beds when they
+can see for themselves that we haven't? They just think we can't
+understand. Let's go up and take the rooms if they're decent. Then
+we'll get the stretchers and put 'em up. That's the only sort of
+argument we can handle."
+
+Manfully George went to work again. And reluctant, and yet obviously
+fascinated by his French, like a bird by a snake, Mademoiselle led
+up the narrow stairs and into a sizeable room, clean as a pin and as
+naked. On the threshold Madame washed her hands of hope.
+
+"_Regardez!_ No beds. _C'est affreux!_"
+
+George began again. He had courage. Whatever else Nature and luck
+denied him there was no question of that. For a little it looked as
+though he were in sight of the goal. Then Mademoiselle explained. They
+were _desolees_, but the _sales Boches_ had stolen all the beds, and
+Madame would not let the bare rooms to _Messieurs les Anglais_. It
+would not be _convenable_ when they had no beds.
+
+"No beds!" Madame appealed to the skylight as witness, and we looked
+at each other. It was getting late and the others would have rustled
+all the best bivvies by now. John had another brain-wave.
+
+"Let's pantomime it. They always understand pantomime. There's no use
+_saying_ we've got beds--not when George has to say it. We'll show
+them."
+
+Earnestly we pantomimed stretcher beds--our own stretcher beds--and
+reposeful slumber thereon. "_Mon Dieu!_" cried Mademoiselle,
+retreating in haste. "No beds," repeated Madame, unconvinced and
+unafraid.
+
+"She means that she doesn't want to have us," said John in cold
+despair.
+
+"She'd be a fool if she did now," answered Colin grimly. "Let's get
+out of this."
+
+And then John had a third brain-wave. He ordered George on guard, and
+descended with Colin in search of the concrete proof of our sanity.
+And Madame's voice, faint yet pursuing, followed us down.
+
+"No beds," it said.
+
+In ten minutes we were back triumphant with the three stretchers. It
+was a full six months since we had written to England for them, and
+they had come at last. Visions of rest went upstairs with us, and
+under the big eyes of Madame and Mademoiselle and several more Madames
+who had collected as unobtrusively as a silk hat collects dust
+we slashed at the coverings, ripped them off and disclosed--three
+deck-chairs.
+
+We did not attempt to meet the situation. We left it to the devil--or
+Madame. And she, with the lofty serenity of one who through long
+and grievous misunderstanding has won home at last, was completely
+adequate.
+
+"No beds," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grieved Wife_. "OH, SIMON, ALL OVER YOUR NOO
+CONTROLLED TROUSERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ADOPTION.--Fine healthy boy, 31/2 years; entire surrender
+    to good home. reception. 5 bedrooms; L1,100."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+What an exacting young rascal!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Liebknecht was the son of a father who opposed tyranny in
+    earlier days, who sounded the toxin for liberty."--_Express
+    and Star_ (_Wolverhampton_).
+
+But, to do old LIEBKNECHT justice, it was the son, not the father, who
+spelt it that way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR-DOG'S PARTY.
+
+(_CONTINUED._)
+
+I expected, of course, when I declared the resolution, "Dogs not
+Doormats," open for general discussion that there would be some pretty
+plain barking, but nothing calling for the intervention of the Chair.
+Britain's dogs are sound at heart, even if they do talk a bit wildly
+about the Tyranny of Man and Rabbitism and Abolishing the Biscuiteer.
+I don't agree with a lot of it myself--we Airedales have always been
+conservatively inclined; but I am bound to say that three years in the
+Army open one's eyes to a lot of things.
+
+Nothing of a really seditious character was said until the Borzoi
+commenced to address the meeting. I had always disliked the fellow
+and half suspected him of being an Anarchist or the president of some
+brotherhood or other. (It's funny how these rascals, whose one idea
+is to get something which belongs to somebody else without working
+for it, always call themselves a brotherhood.) But those Russian dogs
+have such a shifty slinking way with them that you can't always tell
+what they are driving at. This Borzoi chap had tried once or twice to
+interest me in what he called the Community of Bones doctrine, but
+I soon found out that his master was a conscientious objector and a
+vegetarian and that the doctrine really meant that he would do the
+communing and I would provide the bones.
+
+The rogue began with some fulsome ingratiating remarks about how
+pleased he was to see so many fine representatives of the canine
+race prepared to maintain intact their sovereign doghood whatever
+the sacrifice might entail. This brought loud applause from the young
+hotheads; but I noticed traces of disgust along the backs of the older
+dogs. The time had passed, he continued, for speeches and resolutions
+and votes of censure. Dogs must act if Man, the enemy, was to be
+finally crushed. I intervened at this point and told the Borzoi he
+must moderate his language, upon which he began to bluster, shouting
+that he would not be put down by an arrogant hireling of effete
+Militarism. One learns to practise self-control in the trenches, so
+I was able to repress an inclination to assert my authority then and
+there. It was no use striking at man himself, he went on, for he
+had guns and whips and stones at his command. We must strike at him
+through his children.
+
+Cries of dissent greeted this statement, and I really think the matter
+would have ended then and there only it so happened that none of those
+present were personally interested in children, except old Betty the
+bulldog, who belongs to four little girls who treat her sovereign
+doghood in a most disrespectful way. But old Betty had gone to sleep,
+and, anyway, she is rather deaf and has no teeth, so it's likely she
+would have confined herself to a formal snuffle of protest. "Yes,"
+shouted the Borzoi, now thoroughly worked up, "let every dog take a
+solemn oath to bite every child on every possible occasion--at least
+when no one is looking--and Man, the oppressor, will soon come begging
+for mercy and make peace with us on our own terms. No false loyalty
+or ridiculous sense of chivalry must withhold us," he continued. "The
+baby in the pram to-day is the man with the whip of to-morrow and must
+be bitten with all the righteous fury of outraged doghood." Cries of
+"Shame!" greeted this remark. I decided that it was time to interpose.
+With all the severity at my command I bade the wretch be silent.
+
+"Fellow dogs," I said, "it is clear that we must choose here and now,
+once and for all, between Britishism and Bolshevism. Tails up those
+who wish to remain British!" And of course every tail went up. "Tails
+up, the Bolshevists!" But the Borzoi's was down beyond recall and
+shivering between his legs. "That being your decision, ladies and
+gentlemen," I continued, "the meeting will constitute itself a
+Committee of Safety. Remarks have been passed about your Chairman
+and the canine forces of His Majesty that cannot be allowed to go
+unchallenged. All I ask is plenty of room and no favour."
+
+All this time the Borzoi had been edging towards the door, and I
+really think he would have tried to make a dash for it, only at the
+last minute he caught the eye of the Irish wolfhound. It's no good
+running away from a dog like that, so Bolshy decided to stay and face
+the music. Well, as I said before, we war dogs are supposed to be as
+modest as we are brave, so I will confine myself to saying that down
+our way Bolshevism hasn't a leg to stand on. Of course Master, when
+he saw my ear, pretended to be angry, but he knows a war dog doesn't
+fight except for his country, and when the Borzoi's owner came round
+next day to complain Master told him he was a miserable Pacifist and
+had no _locus standi_. I told Master afterwards that the Borzoi had no
+_loci standi_ either, because I'd jolly well nearly chewed them off;
+and he laughed and gave me a whole cutlet with a lot of delicious meat
+on it, saying he wasn't hungry himself.
+
+Of course we dogs met again and adopted the rest of our platform; and
+I don't mind saying I kept a pretty tight grip on the proceedings.
+In fact, several resolutions, such as those dealing with "Municipal
+Dog's-meat," "Rabbits in Regent's Park," "The Prosecution of
+Untruthful Parlourmaids," "Shorter Fur and Longer Legs," were carried
+without discussion. Naturally the meetings concluded with a vote of
+thanks to the Chair, to which I replied (they tell me) felicitously.
+
+That is how the War Dogs' Party came into being; and to-morrow I shall
+tell that little terrier fellow from No. 10, Downing Street, that as
+long as his master remains faithful to the Dog-in-the-Street the War
+Dogs' Party will remain faithful to him.
+
+ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OO LUMME! THAT MUST BE THE BLOKE WOT WON THE WAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'The little lass, and what worlds away,' one says to oneself
+    on coming out of Mr. Rosing's recital."--_"Times'" Musical
+    Critic_.
+
+It's the worst of music that it makes one so love-sick and
+sentimental.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EXPENSIVE AMUSEMENT.
+
+"As," says one of Mr. Punch's many and very welcome correspondents,
+"you will probably be writing for the benefit of your readers a short
+handbook on how to be demobilised, I enclose for your guidance my
+solicitor's bill. He was engaged from November 12th until I returned
+home on leave on December 30th and took a hand in the game myself.
+The chief work was tracing the various Government Departments to their
+hidden lairs in which they indulge in the pleasing habit of exchanging
+minutes.
+
+"Some day perhaps demobilisation will reach me. The sooner the better,
+for I can never settle this account on my Army pay."
+
+So much for the preamble. Here, with the alteration only of certain
+names, is the document itself. Mr. Jones, it should be mentioned, is a
+member of the firm to which the Officer in question (whom we will call
+Mr. Lute) wishes to return:--
+
+  1918.                                                 L  s. d.
+
+  Nov. 12. Attending Mr. Jones on calling on
+           the telephone as to Mr. Lute and
+           advising him to make an application             6  8
+
+   "   27. Attending Demobilisation Office,
+           Whitehall Gardens, when the place
+           was too crowded to be seen to-day.
+           Engaged nearly two hours.                      13  4
+
+           Writing Mr. Lute I was putting
+           through application.                            3  6
+
+   "   28. Attending New Bridge Street when I
+           interviewed Official and he handed
+           me pivotal form after explaining
+           circumstances.                                 18  4
+
+   "   29. Attending Mr. Jones on calling when
+           Mrs. Lute was present, filling in
+           form after discussing same. Engaged
+           3 to 3.50.                                     10  0
+
+           Copy to keep                                    1  0
+
+   "   30. Attending New Bridge Street,
+           interviewing Official, and he
+           referred Mr. Lute's case to
+           Mr. Bedford Smith, 105a,
+           Portman Square, Head Food
+           Department for your district                   13  4
+
+  Dec.  2. Attending Portman Square,
+           interviewing Official, when
+           he said I had got the wrong
+           form and requested me to
+           go to Whitehall Gardens
+           and ask them about it.
+
+           Attending Demobilisation Office
+           at Whitehall Gardens, interviewing
+           Official when he wanted to know how
+           I had got the form as I had no
+           business to have it as the issue of
+           them had been stopped, and I said it
+           had been given to me, and he was
+           unable to say what should be done
+           with it, but in any event another
+           form ought to be filled up, R.C.V.,
+           and he handed me such form.
+           Engaged 10.30 to 1; 2 to 3.45                3  3  0
+
+  Dec.  3. Attending Portman Square office,
+           when I said that I had been to the
+           office at Whitehall Gardens and
+           they wanted to know how I had got
+           the pivotal form, but he took it
+           in and said he would refer it to
+           the local committee at once, and
+           he gave me the name of the head man
+           there and suggested we might push
+           it if we went to him, and he had
+           nothing to do with the R.C.V. form.            13  4
+
+           Attending Whitehall Gardens asking
+           what they wanted done with R.C.V.
+           form and they said if it was sent
+           in there filled up it would
+           receive attention in its turn.                 10  0
+
+           Writing Mr. Jones to get in
+           touch with Local Authority.                     3  6
+
+   "    5. Attending Mr. Jones on telephone as
+           to getting into touch with local
+           representative, which he would do
+           at once                                         3  4
+
+   "    6. Filling up same and writing
+           them therewith                                  5  0
+
+   "   11. Attending Mr. Jones on telephone
+           when he said Committee had
+           recommended application last
+           Friday evening                                  3  4
+
+   "   12. Attending Portman Square,
+           interviewing Official and
+           they had not received recommendation
+           of local committee                              13 4
+
+   "   13. Attending Mr. Jones, informing
+           him thereof on telephone giving
+           me reference No. and he would send
+           on copy letter to him by local
+           committee recommending application              3  4
+
+   "   16. Attending Portman Square when they
+           had not heard from local committee,
+           handing them copy of their letter
+           and they would act on that                     13  4
+
+   "   18. Writing Mr. Jones as to further
+           form, sent in to him to sign                    3  6
+
+   "   19. Attending Portman Square when
+           application had gone forward                   13  4
+
+           Telephoning to Mrs. Lute to
+           that effect. Like Mr. Jones.                    3  4
+
+   "   20. Writing Mr. Lute as to the matter               3  6
+
+   "   23. Attending Portman Square Official
+           when application was on way to
+           War Office and they said you would
+           be demobilised shortly                         13  4
+
+   "   31. Attending Mr. Lute, showing
+           me correspondence and requesting
+           me to see Demobilisation Department,
+           Broad Street.
+
+  1919
+  Jan. 2.  Attending Broad Street when they
+           had removed to Hotel Windsor and
+           obtaining two forms to fill up to
+           extend your leave while your case
+           went through if necessary and they
+           knew nothing about your case                   13  4
+
+           Attending at your office getting
+           Secretary to sign form.                        10  0
+
+   "   4.  Attending Windsor Hotel when
+           department disbanded and had
+           gone to Lancaster Gate                         13  4
+
+           Attending you reporting on
+           telephone                                       3  4
+
+   "   6.  Fare and expenses                              15  0
+                                                        --------
+                                       Total            L14 5  0
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRINK OF THE GODS.
+
+A PROHIBITIONIST'S CANTICLE.
+
+  Let meaner souls make merry
+    O'er cups of ruby wine,
+  With claret, port or sherry
+    Their tunes incarnadine;
+  Let little boys emphatic
+    Become o'er ginger b.
+  Myself I grow ecstatic
+    About a drink called "Tea."
+
+  Tea elevates one's pecker,
+    Rejuvenates the mind,
+  Enriches the exchequer,
+    Yet never makes men "blind";
+  When footsore and effete I'm
+    From every ache set free,
+  And not alone at tea-time
+    I thank the Lord for "Tea."
+
+  It tells of balmy breezes
+    That blow "o'er Ceylon's isle"
+  (While HEBER mostly pleases
+    His accent here is vile)--
+  Of some far-flung plantation
+    Where Hindus bend the knee;
+  And would my occupation
+    Were prefixed (ah!) by "Tea"!
+
+  'Tis told in classic fable
+    The nectar served to Zeus
+  At his Olympic table
+    Was just a vinous juice;
+  That such is purely fiction
+    I heartily agree,
+  Having the sound conviction
+    'Twas nothing less than "Tea."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PARIS, SATURDAY.
+
+    The Conference will be held in the imposing Salle de la Grande
+    Horloge. The 'hall of the great clock' is about 30in. long by
+    15in. wide."--_Liverpool Echo_.
+
+"Imposing," indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Manchester's L6,000,000 scheme for obtaining water supplies
+    from Haweswater was approved last night at a meeting of
+    ratepayers in the Town Hall. The annual increased consumption
+    of water had been a little over a million gallons per head per
+    day."--_Daily Dispatch_.
+
+The new slogan of the temperance enthusiasts--What Manchester drinks
+to-day England will drink to-morrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor_. "BUT THOSE ATTACKS OF MALARIA DON'T LAST
+LONG, DO THEY?"
+
+_Tommy_. "MINE ISN'T ORDINARY MALARIA. THE DOCTOR CALLS IT
+'MALINGERING MALARIA.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+I own that to find the publishers, those sometimes too generous
+critics, writing upon the wrapper of _An English Family_ (HUTCHINSON)
+an appreciation that bracketed it with _The Newcomes_, did little to
+predispose me in its favour. Later, however, when I had read the book
+with an increasing pleasure, I was ready to admit that the comparison
+was by no means wholly unjustified. Certainly Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE has
+written a very charming story in this history of the _Frothinghams_
+and the growth of their typically English characters, maturing just
+in time for the ordeal that has tested and (one is proud to think)
+triumphantly approved the spirit of our country. In fact these memoirs
+of _Hugh Frothingham_ are something more than an idle romance; there
+is an allegory in them, and some touch of propaganda, cunningly
+introduced in the fine character of _Torrance_, the great surgeon who
+married one of the _Frothingham_ girls and was bombed in the hospital
+raids. Through the varied activities of the family, as they develop,
+passes the cleverly-shown figure of _Hugh_, the narrator, who,
+starting with fairer prospects than any of the others, is ruined by
+indolence and an income, and hardly saved by the War from degenerating
+into the torpid existence of a social pussy-cat. _Hugh_ is an
+admirable example of the difficult art of seemingly unconscious
+self-revelation. Altogether I have found _An English Family_ greatly
+to my taste, displaying as it does a dignity and breadth that recall
+not unworthily the best traditions of the English novel. But did we
+speak of _Serbia_ in 1914? I only ask.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_High Adventure_ (CONSTABLE) is in certain ways the most fascinating
+account of flying and of fliers which has come my way. Captain NORMAN
+HALL, already well known to readers of _Kitchener's Mob_, tells us in
+this later book how he became a member of the Escadrille Americaine
+and how he learned to fly. And, as his modesty is beyond all praise,
+I feel sure that he will forgive me for saying that it is not the
+personal note which is here so specially attractive. What makes his
+book so different from other books on flying is that in it we have
+a novice suffering from all sorts of mishaps and mistakes before he
+has mastered the difficulties of his art. Whether consciously or not
+Captain HALL performs a very great service in describing the life of
+a flier while his wings are--so to speak--only in the sprouting stage.
+In an introduction Major GROS tells us of the work done by American
+pilots before America entered the War, a delightful preface to a book
+which both for its matter and style is good to read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I confess at once that _The Uprooters_ (STANLEY PAUL) is a story that
+I have found hard to understand. There seems an idea somewhere, but
+it constantly eluded me. To begin with, exactly who or what were the
+Uprooters, and what did they uproot? At first I thought the answer
+was going to name _Major_ and _Mrs. Elton_, who for no very sufficient
+reason would go meddling off to Paris, and transporting thence the
+brother and sister _Ormsby_ to Ireland. The _Ormsbys_ had been happy
+and (apparently) harmless enough hitherto, but once uprooted they
+promptly developed the most unfortunate passions--reciprocated,
+moreover--for their well-wishers. The obvious and laudable moral
+of which is, never remove your neighbour from his chosen landmarks.
+Later, however, it became apparent that Mr. J.A.T. LLOYD had a more
+subtle interpretation for his title in the activities of a band
+of pacifists, headed by a multi-millionaire, who called himself an
+American, though somehow his name, _Schwartz_, hardly inspired me
+with any feelings of real confidence. On his death-bed, however, this
+gentleman reveals blood of the most Prussian blue, confessing that his
+wealth has actually been derived from the dividends of Frau BERTHA;
+and as the War has by this time resolved the emotional difficulties
+of the other characters the story comes to its somewhat procrastinated
+finish. My own belief in it had to endure two tests, of which the less
+was inflicted by a scene specifically placed in a "dim _second class_
+carriage" on the L.&N.W.R. in 1916; and the greater by the _cri
+de coeur_ of the lady, whose husband surprised her with her lover:
+"Edmund, get that murderous look out of your eyes, the look of that
+dreadful ancestor in the portrait gallery!" I ask you, does that carry
+conviction under the circumstances?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Really, the delight of the publishers over _Cecily and the Wide World_
+(HURST AND BLACKETT) is almost touching. On the outside of the wrapper
+they call it "charming," and are at the further pains to advise me
+to "read first the turnover of cover," where I find them letting
+themselves go in such terms as "true life," "sincerity," "charm"
+(again), "courage," and the like. The natural result of all which was
+that I approached the story prepared for the stickiest of American
+cloy-fiction. I was most pleasantly disappointed. Miss ELIZABETH F.
+CORBETT has chosen a theme inevitably a little sentimental, but her
+treatment of it is throughout of a brisk and tonic sanity, altogether
+different from--well, you know the sort of stuff I have in mind.
+_Cecily_ was the discontented wife of _Avery Fairchild_, a young
+doctor with three children and a fair practice. After a while her
+discontent so increased that she betook herself to the wide, wide
+world, to live her own life. And as both she and _Avery_ before long
+fell cheerfully in love with other persons I suppose the move could
+so far be counted a success. Before, however, the divorce facilities
+of the land of freedom could bring the tale to one happy ending an
+accident to _Cecily's_ motor and the long arm that delivered her
+to her husband's professional care brought it to another. I am left
+wondering how this denouement would have been affected if _Avery_
+had been, say, a dentist, or of any other calling than the one that
+so obviously loaded the dice in his favour. I repeat, however, a
+distinctly well-written and human story, almost startlingly topical
+too in one place, where _Dr. Avery_ observes, "There's a lot of
+grippe in town, and it's a thing that isn't reported to the Health
+Department." The obvious inference being that it ought to be. _Avery_,
+you observe, had more practical sense than the majority of heroes, few
+of whom would ever have thought of this, or, at any rate, mentioned
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Baroness ORCZY's romance of old Cambrai, _Flower o' the Lily_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON), should not be regarded as in any way bearing upon the
+more modern history of that remarkable city. It has nothing to do with
+our war; it has a war of its own, a rapid affair of bows and arrows,
+scaling ladders and such desperate situations as can be, and were,
+saved by the arrival of the right man, single-handed, in the right
+place at the right moment. Familiar as is his type in novels of
+this adventurous kind, I think I shall never tire of the consummate
+swordsman hero who impersonates, for political and matrimonial ends, a
+man of infinitely higher degree but far less real worth than himself,
+handling the vicarious business with an incredible adroitness, but
+mistakenly carrying by storm the love of the lady for himself. The
+lady is so confoundedly attractive in these circumstances, possibly
+because there is about them a tonic which lends additional colour
+to the feminine cheek and a new brilliance to the eye. And, however
+bitter may be the first moment when the true personalities are
+divulged, it all comes right in the end. Here is a story of intrigue
+and battle and love, written in the necessary phraseology of the time
+and woven round (and, I trust, consistent with) the historical contest
+between the Spanish and French Powers, disputing the terrain of
+Flanders; in every way a worthy successor of _The Scarlet Pimpernel_.
+It is inevitable to suggest that this story should also be dramatised
+in due course; it would make as a play an instant and irresistible
+appeal to that great public which loves the theatre most when it is
+most theatrical. And it is doubtless destined also for the Movies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE.--_Cologne_--_Present Day_.
+
+"GIE YE CHOCOLATE! _GIE YE CHOCOLATE!!_ D'YE THINK I'VE BEEN BOBBIN'
+UP AN' DOON IN FRONT O' YOUR AULD MON FOR FOUR YEARS JUST TAE COME
+HERE AN' GIE YE CHOCOLATE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SECRETS OF THE FLEET.
+
+    "Few people realise the difficulty senior officers in the Navy
+    who are married and have children have in making both ends
+    meet. Naval officers who entered over fifteen years ago did
+    not, as a rule, come from the married classes."--_Sunday
+    Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Whilst waiting to be bathed, an old blind female inmate of
+    the ---- Institution fell to the floor, breaking her
+    thigh. Her injury has accentuated her death from
+    bronchitis."--_Birmingham Post_.
+
+With a grave accent, we fear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The war broke Germany's hold on world's wild animal trade,
+    the New York Zoological Society chairman states. Zoos and
+    circuses are now turning to British dealers to fill their
+    cages."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Provided that the above paragraph has made the British dealers
+sufficiently wild.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, Jan. 29, 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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